#this isnt a vent. just explaining my thoughts mainly

[cielwritings]

! Fat!Ciel Sebaciel Hcs !

my first non-request post… how do i explain this without it sounding fetishy?

i wrote this mainly because i needed reassurance on myself. this isnt a mildly chubby ciel, or a thick thighed slim waist ciel. this is a fat ciel. he has chubby cheeks, a belly, larger arms.

i just felt down and wanted to write ciel with my body. it’s okay if you envision him differently in this. i aim to comfort people with my body type. because im ciel’s height, it’s easier for me to imagine him with my body. i just wanted to comfort myself and perhaps vent a little

sorry for the long rant ^^’ i feel like i should give reason for not doing a request here. i know some people like themselves a bigger ciel as well, so…

warning: body issues

We’ll start off bold. Ciel doesn’t like how he looks. He hates it, in fact. Sebastian knows this, as you can’t hide anything from a demon.

Ciel, despite all of this, doesn’t do much about it. “It isn’t my fault I’m like this. My mother fed me too damn much.” he thinks to himself. He feels guilty blaming her the moment after.

Sebastian is gentle with the topic, unlike how he would with other masters or mistresses. Firstly, this boy is delicate. Secondly, he’s still a child. He’s one of the very few adults responsible for what influences him.

Of course, Sebastian gives healthy meals and servings. Ciel isn’t used to this. His brows used to furrow when he was given steak for dinner— he expected pasta and some other form of carb.

Picky eater, much?

Sebastian didn’t mind helping Ciel warm up to new tastes and textures. He’s had to deal with babies up until their senior years, he can handle a little boy like Ciel.

Ciel grows to not mind. He loses some weight as well, though it isn’t noticeable to him. It was around 11 pounds.

He dreads exiting his household or going to the Queen. It’s shameful for the citizens to stare at him, then wonder if he was actually the earl of the manor…

The Queen doesn’t judge. He judges. “I must look like a glutton to her. I bring shame to the Phantomhive name.”

By the end of a long day, he’s so pissed off with others, he nearly cries. He absolutely never cries. Who’s he to cry over some stupid judgement? Even if he was small, he’d be judged for being the earl. Fashion, age, hair, anything. Why was this upsetting him?

Sebastian was quite surprised when he entered Ciel’s work room to see him on the windowsill. While that’s normal, he didn’t expect his eyepatch to be off, tears in his eyes.

“So that’s why the seal was so bright today.” Sebastian thought to himself, looking at his gloved hand. He’d asked Ciel numerous times that day if anything was wrong, to which Ciel shooed him off.

He walked over to Ciel’s side. “Young master, is everything alright? The seal..”

He squints, focusing on his non-contracted eye. It was red. He refrains from sighing as he got onto one knee, eye-level with the boy.

“I will stay here until you’re alright.” he whispers, taking Ciel’s hand in his two hands. He gives it a squeeze, staring at the dimples on his knuckles adoringly.

“You’re aware I cannot lie, correct?” Sebastian spoke, watching as Ciel nervously looked his way. “What if I told you.. you’re stunning. You’re a sight for sore eyes, and that I’m so proud to be your servant.”

His hand moved some hair sticking to the boy’s wet cheek. “No matter how you look or how you are feeling, you’re my master. You will forever be the earl to the Phantomhive’s in my heart.”

[m1lkt00th]

im kind of hoping cross’ whole “killed his family and friends” thing gets explored more ngl.

my memory might be failing me but cross hasnt seen his family up to this point outside of nightmare shapeshifting and his own memories in episode what ? 6 ? which was honestly, really cool and i liked it. cross is obviously still processing what he did and how his entire life up to that point was some weird “this is your destiny and this is your role” kind of thing even if he isnt aware that xgaster was having prophetic visions ???? did that ever get explained actually ? xgaster has a purple monster soul that allows him to overwrite the very make up of a universe and also has future vision

i’ve read stories where cross’ past is brushed aside in a “well, THAT happened 😹😹” kind of way where the murder time trio just make fun of him for having less LV or something. there is also the other side where it’s talked about A LOT but those are mainly shown in what i like to call, “Cross Bullying” fics (which are also usually vent fics, ironically (?) enough) so it makes sense.

thinking about, in comparison to the murder time trio (and depending on the multiverse but thats not what im looking at rn) cross killed his family because he THOUGHT he could bring them back, which is horrifying. just “i’ll hurt you now to help you later” kind of thing. dust is.. interesting. he still has a ‘piece’ of his brother with him at all times. horror’s brother is still ALIVE 😭😭 and killer appears to have disconnected theirself from their original ‘persona’ so to speak. they dont even have anything on them to indicate “my brother” theyre just separate. nightmare is an entire essay on his own but they still see their brother sometimes (even if it’s only fighting)

JUST ??? CROSS. MAN IDK cross was in a weird position during the final episode of xtale like what else could he have done really </3

[tinyorangepotato]

this shouldn't bother me and I'm def not bringing it up to the person I'm vagueing but I dont understand how people don't understand gifts. like ita the intent of giving money or the thought/meaning of giving a gift.

giving a gift is a way to give soemone soemthing that you thought they would like and that they don't have/won't buy for themselves. If you give me any amount of money (I lied. any money over 20 bucks) I'm putting it into savings immediately. I will not have anything physical to show for your gift. you give me and item and I'll display it on a shelf or whatever the use is and fuck yeah you thought I would like it and I do. there was thought behind it and it shows that you might listen to what intrests me or whatever and all that.

like I have bought I think 4 or 5 knives (all as Christmas presents) that's each was 40 dollars plus. In the foreseeable future, I would never spend that much on a knife for myself but I would want it. you give me the 50 bucks that you bought the knife with because you saw I wanted that but didn't have the spare money to buy it, I'm still not buying it. That is just going to something else whether that be food or gas or just savings.

It's also how, at least I, show I care. I listened and knwo what intrests you and you think would be cool (at leats I hope I get it right) and I do not speak emotions or physically show them. I give something that reminded me of the person or go out of my way to do soemthing. hell I drove an extra 3-4 last Saturday to get my friend (around a 40 minute drive), drive them to a Halloween party they were invited to (an hour away from them), and then drove them back home and had to drive home myself. All after a full day of work and feeling like shit mentally the days before. Because they don't get to do things like that (leave the house mainly) and it was the first time they would see their friend in real life (I stayed with them and I knew the guy too) and they were excited for it. so I was more than happy to go and drive them even if I do complain.

I don't know. I can see how someone doesn't understand dor how they dont think this way but it woudl be nice for others to see soemthing and be like "hey, tiny would like this. let me get it for them".

and my friend (the one that will proabbly just give money) said that they alreayd know that they care. talk often and hang out and all that. but that's not the point. it's the way to show that you like them still. obviously I know (most of the time) that you enjoy my presence and we are friends but just knowing thay isn't enough soemtimes. sometimes you just wanna hear soemine say I love you or I like spending time with you outloud. and if not outloud, then in the form of a service or gift or whatever. I don't think I ever initiated saying I love you to one of my friends. I've said it back obviously but I give a gift to say "I like you and your presence and what you care about and I listen and hopefully know you well."

this had no point except to get what's in my mind, out. because I am the one thinking about a little one off couple of sentences said late last night (late for him. it was like 11:30) that he probably doesn't even remember but my brain likes to think about everything at all times and what I should've said even though even if I thought of all these points I wouldn't have said it because that's vulnerability so

[frogbe]

dr1 girls comforting their s/o after they told them about their previous abusive relationship?

1: Thank you so much for sending this in..! It helped me vent a good bit, and 2: I’m at my aunts currently without anything to do, so please, everyone send in as many requests as you want!! And 3: I’m sorry if some of the girls are slight ooc.!

(And thank you for allowing me to write about some of my favorite characters.. coughcoughSakura)

⚠️TRIGGER WARNING: PAST PHYSICAL ABUSE, AND A BIT OF SPOILERS FOR THE FIRST GAME!⚠️

Kyoko Kirigiri:

~You were pretty skittish and nervous about getting into another relationship.

~Since your last one...well...didn’t go too well,

~Kirigiri, being the smart detective girly that she is, noticed your skittishness very early on,

~She could tell the signs of someone who used to be in an abusive relationship because of her detective work, but decided to not say anything and let you tell her when you felt comfortable doing so.

~One day when you said you had something very important to tell her, she knew what was coming,

~She thought she’d be prepared for it,

~but once you started to explain all about what your past “lover” did to you, she was shocked, and more so; disgusted.

~She didn’t get why people would abuse their lovers, I mean, they are called their “lovers” for a reason! Right?

~By the end of it, you were in tears and she was running her thumb over the back of your hand in an attempt to comfort you.

~If you were okay with it, she’d absolutely be okay with hugging you for a long time,

~(maybe even cuddling you~)

~“S/o....I’m sorry you had to go through all that. You didn’t deserve it..”

~She’d be more careful and make sure you felt absoutlely comfortable with everything you guys were doing,

~She’d start to give you hugs if you ever started thinking about it more, or just give you hugs(because she loves you~)

~and if you have any scars, she wouldn’t mind,

~(because of her hands, she thinks she isnt one to judge)

~She will even occasionally kiss one of the more visible ones! But that’s kind of rare, unless you are feeling particularly upset about them.

❤️Aoi Asahina🏊🏼‍♀️:

~She probably would take a bit of time to realize your skittishness and constant anxiousness, but once she does,

~Oh boy, is she concerned

~She loves you so much! And does her best to show it! But, your still very nervous around her.?

~There is a thought at the back of her mind that thinks someone else had caused you to be like this, but she ignored that thought thinking that it wouldn’t be possible.

~At least, thats what she thought, until you asked her to talk about something important.

~She was growing increasingly worried, ‘what’s wrong?’ ‘Did something happen?’

~When you began, she could already feel tears welling up in her eyes

~You went through...all of that...?

~By the end of it, you both are in tears and she has already hugged you and had your head on her shoulder(or against her forehead if your tall, like me-)

~“Baby...you are so strong...I had no idea you went through so much....but... I promise you...it gets better,”

~“And I’ll be here for you, every step of the way.. I promise.”

~Be prepared for long and warm cuddles after telling her that, her being the big spoon and giving you so many soft kisses everywhere

~She would constantly praise you for example:

~”You are one of the strongest people I have ever met” “Baby, you know I love you to bits, right~?”

~And If you have scars?

~Oh boy- Be prepared for them to smothered in kisses!

~Especially with cuddling~!

📕Toko Fukawa✏️:

~You and Toko could get along because of both of your nervous natures,

~but Toko could tell yours isn’t just random, and that there is some story behind it.

~You would sometimes flinch harshly near her and other people who were nowhere near threatening, which concerned her.

~Although, through all of her worries, she still didn’t want to approach you about it, because she feared that she was wrong,

~She thought nothing of it when you nervously asked to talk to her about something very important.

~As you began she became horrified and angry at the same one

~”They did what!?!?”

~She was angry to say the least,

~How dare they do that to you...

~She was VERY angry at your past “lover”

~ And I’ll tell you this; Genocider defiantly would ‘take care’ of your past “lover��

~Even though Toko isn’t one for physical affection, she would defiantly cuddle you throughout that whole night

~And give you a couple small head kisses

~and probably read you to sleep,💞

~She’d become generally more affectionate and loving to you after learning this,

~if you have any scars, she wouldn’t care, and would tell you that, and reassure you if they bother you.

♦️Celestia Ludenburg♣️:

~You used to be very nervous and flinchy around her

~I mean, she can get pretty intense at times,

~But cause of her gambling, she could tell something is wrong.

~Her gambling allowed her to learn how to read people’s emotions and easily tell how people were feeling

~but, She felt guilty whenever you flinched near her, because she felt as if she had made you uncomfortable,

~When you asked to tell her something important one day, she was all ears, she wanted to listen to your problems and was fine with doing so, she thought you had just had a bad day or something.

~Oh was she wrong.....

~As you countiued, she grew angry, but looked calm on the outside

~She wasn’t angry at you, she was angry at herself and your past “lover”.

~Why couldnt she have realized this sooner!?

~She was also very angry at your lover for doing this to you,

~’How dare they hurt a beautiful person like you!?’

~She quickly wrapped you in a hug by the time you were done explaining all of it,not caring about ruining her hair, and dress for once.

~She rubbed your back and allowed you to cry if you needed to

~She’d stay with you all night, laying on her side, facing you,

~She would be holding your hand and giving it kisses and giving you cheek kisses and reassuring you that ‘You didn’t deserve that’ ‘You were too good for them anyway.’ ‘They deserve to burn in Hell.’

~ Well, That last one wasn’t that reassuring. But it helped nevertheless.

~If you have any scars she would take time out of her nightly routine just to kiss, Every. Single. One. Of. Them.

~She will continue to do this every. single. night. Until your either okay with them now, or want her to stop,

~(But really- who would want Celes to stop giving you kisses everywhere~)

~And, If she ever meets your past “lover”....well, let’s just say they might need an ambulance.

🌸Sakura Oogami💪🏻:

~She is a naturally gentle person, so most people that actually know her aren’t nervous around her

~Except you,

~Your very skittish and nervous around her still, even after knowing her for a long time

~It breaks her heart whenever you flinch near her or from what seems to be because of her fault.

~She tried to show you more that she wasn’t going to hurt you,

~Being way more gentle, telling you she is going to touch you before doing it, giving you protectively gentle hugs, allowing you to hug her whenever you need to, and helping you in whatever way she can.

~But... You still always flinched...

~She was concerned, and that’s just putting it lightly.

~Unlike the other girls, she’d actually talk to you about this first.

~”S/o.....why are you always flinching whenever anyone of our classmates touches you.?”

~Or the unsaid question that you could clearly hear “.....Why don’t you trust me..?”

~You know there is no way to lie about this so you decided to just tell her,

~As you continued, she was relieved to learn it wasn’t her fault, and that no one was currently causing you to act like this

~But She was more so horrified and a bit angry

~Why would someone do that to their own lover!? No. Why would someone do that to ANYONE?!

~She didn’t get it

~She asked you if she can hug you, and if you say yes; she’ll gently pull you towards her and wrap her arms around you carefully.

~If you said no, she’d respect that and just stick to verbal comfort,

~”I apologize, love. You didn’t deserve to have to endure all of that pain.......You are so strong..........”

~She would coddle you for the next few days and do her best to make sure you constantly felt safe,

~That night she’d cuddle you, being big spoon that night

~She’d even gently play with your hair, and give it a soft kiss every once and awhile.

~If you have any scars, she wouldn’t mind, she has a couple too, so, it doesn’t matter to her

~But If they bother you, she’ll reassure you that you have no need to be ashamed of them, and she loves them

~”Those scars show that you survived something terrible...don’t be ashamed of them..”

~She will give emphasis on that by giving you a gentle forehead kiss and soft hug

~(gosh I just want a hug from her-)

🎤Sayaka Maizano🎼:

~Sayaka is a naturally kind and motherly person, so she only slightly confused by your behavior

~Shes mainly concerned

~You flinch a lot near her and your other classmates,

~So she assumed that you just didn’t like being touched without warning, so she didn’t touch you without saying she was going to for a while

~Until, you asked to speak to her about something very important,

~She sat you two down and listened quietly

~As you began to explain a couple tears filled her eyes,

~”You went through....all of that....?”

~She sounded terrified to say the least,

~She instantly would tackle you into a hug and let a few tears, that you couldn’t see, fall down her face

~”I’m so, so, so sorry that you had to go through something so.....terrible.......”

~She spend the rest of the day just pampering you and giving you SO. MUCH. LOOOOVVVVVEEEE.

~Like Aoi, she’d constantly praise you, and give you little Eskimo kisses~

~She would be big spoon that night and rubbing small circles on your tummy

~If you have any scars, she wouldn’t hesitate to every one of them and tell you;

~”Your scars are beautiful and I love them, just like I love you..”

~MORE. KISSES.

~She’d also start trying to make sure your always comfortable, so if you feel uncomfy going on stage with her after her showing during the closing of it, she won’t force you to

~and she WILL find your past s/o and make sure they get a lot of jail time.

[the-gay-cryptid]

Okay, I'm super pissed right now and I dont want to bother my friends with this, theyve got shit of their own, I just need to get the angry out of my system.

I want to shave my head. I want to because it would give me a feeling of control and it's the much safer, less permanent, and less painful of my three options: shave head, get piercing, get tattoo. Since whatever I picked would be self done, I naturally went with shaving my head.

I'm no fucking idiot though, I've done my research. I know that, because of my hair type and my own preferences, I dont want it too short. I would first get a #8 attachment, which it the longest you can get. That's what I would use. I looked up a video of someone comparing the lengths of each attachment when actually used on hair, so I have a better idea of what it would actually look like since I'm not good at visualizing lengths.

I was going to tell my mom all this, show her that this isnt a sudden decision, and that I've actually done research and know what to do/expect. It was still entirely possible she'd say no, but this approach was my best chance to convince her.

I told me dad this morning, "I want to shave my head. I think I'd have to order attachments since your clippers are too short, but its definitely doable." I said it this way because I've never had to prove to my dad that I know what I'm doing, like I'm writing a damn research paper.

He wasnt a fan, because he thinks I'll look like a man. He doesnt want me to look too masculine. That's a problem to revisit at a later time. I pointed out that I already look like a boy when I wear hats, my hair grows out fast, and that how he wants me to look isnt my problem. He conceded to all three points, though he still wasnt a fan. He wouldnt stop me, but we both knew I had to convince mom before I even picked up the clippers.

Mom came in, and we said good morning and so on. Then Dad says "she wants to shave her head." Which was the absolute worst possible way to introduce that to my mother.

To her credit, she handled it well. She said she didnt think it would suit my head shape, but if I wanted to I couldn't but if I did it she wasnt going to pay for my hair appointments anymore, even if I grew my hair out again. I wouldnt really mind paying for my own cuts and colors, it's just that it's kinda expensive and I have 10$ and no income until August assuming we're back on campus next semester. I figured I'd think about it.

I took a shower, did makeup, and finished making some earrings I started last night. Then I went to show my parents, because i was proud and I thought they looked cool.

Dad loved them, mom definitely thought they were tacky, but I'm used to that and she's given up trying to convince me that tacky jewelry is bad.

She was making a face that screamed "not a fan", and I asked her why she was making said face. I expected a comment about how people would judge me, and I was totally emotionally prepared for that and ready to let it roll off. But instead, she says

"This doesn't seem like a good use of your time. I just dont feel like enough work is getting done"

I dont know if any of you know this about me, but I'm very sensitive about my work ethic. I've had problems in the past, but I've worked fucking hard to learn the self discipline and time management I have today. It's not perfect, but I'm better than I was. So when people imply that I'm not doing enough, or I'm lazy, or that I'm wasting my time instead of working, I take it a little harder than most.

I didnt linger, because it wouldnt help anyone. I just left and waited in the kitchen to vent to my dad.

"I just wanted to show her something cool." I said. I kept my voice low, because mom has a habit of walking in when I'm venting about her and then getting overly offended and turning it into me being disrespectful. "And she just ignored it-" at which point my dad cut me off. He doesnt like when I complain about mom. He doesnt like the confrontation that occurs if she over hears, and he doesnt like seeing her upset that her kid is implying shes a bad mom. She isnt, but she's not perfect, and as a grown ass woman who lectures me about the same flaw, she should be able to take criticism.

I'm still a bit pissed, so I just grabbed my laptop and went upstairs to do schoolwork. I dont have much to do, since, contrary to my mother's suggestion, I'm very on top of my work, and even ahead on some of it.

Just now, I went down stairs to take a break and grab my house shoes. I talked to my dad a little bit about some netflix shows. Then, because I thought maybe I could sway him a little, I showed him the video of someone comparing all the attachments and how short they actually cut.

I also pointed out that mom wouldve reacted better if hed let me explain what I wanted. He disagreed, so I told him how I'd present the idea:

"I have something I want to do, and I've done a lot of research, so I understand what to do, what I'd need, and how to do it the way I have in mind. I'd like to shave my head, not super short though. I'd use the longest attachment..." et cetera, et cetera.

Basically I'd just prove to her this wasnt decided on a whim. And then I'd ask her opinion. She'd hate it, but at least she'd probably consider it. Even Dad admitted it might have worked.

I started telling him why I wanted to do it, the whole needing to feel in control thing. But he was putting away clothes and heading his and Moms room, and if mom heard me talking through all this she'd get mad and double down on the "fuck no" stance. So I dropped it for now.

But then my dad thought hed be real fucking funny. I was standing in the bathroom with him, and he turned on his clippers and started to reach for my hair. I grabbed his arm to stop him. I knew he was joking, it was just my knee jerk reaction since his clippers have NO attachment and would actually buzz my head completely.

He then said, very smugly, that that's the reaction of someone who doesn't actually want to shave their head. I told him that wasnt funny, and started to explain that I stopped him because it wouldve been the wrong length.

But mom, being in the bedroom right fucking next to us, got PISSED. She then informed us, mainly me, that I wasnt allowed to shave my head, and that she'd be so furious if I did it. And now i was mad with both of my parents.

Since I couldnt be delicate about it anymore, I told her point blank the whole conversation this morning wouldve gone better if dad hadnt said anything, and that I was going to actually explain myself before telling her I wanted to shave my head.

She listened to my whole explanation. I'll give her that. But when I finished, she just hummed and went back to her work. Which is mom for "fuck no, and this is a stupid idea."

As all conversations with my mother inevitably go, I went to the kitchen to talk to dad. I told him he shouldnt have done any of that, and that now, because of him goofing off, mom wasnt taking anything of said seriously.

He told me he was sorry he did that, but that he didn't want me to do it anyway. I reminded him, in far less polite terms than usual, that I dont care what he thinks and that it's my hair and my choice.

He agreed and apologized again, still just as insincere.

Since I didnt have the patience or calmness to try and talk about it further, I went back upstairs. I heard him calling me a little bit ago, probably to talk again, but I'm still fucking angry.

Because of him not only taking away my ability to bring this up with my mom on my own terms, and then ruining any chances of her taking me seriously, theres no way in hell I'm going to be able to do what I wanted. I know shaving my head isnt that big of a deal, but the amount of bullshit its brought out of them both is infuriating.

If he'd just kept his fucking mouth shut this morning, all this could've gone so much better.

[heads-in-the-clouds-spacecadet]

When asked to write a daily diary for anxiety management.

Here are a few days example....

Sunday 24th 

Mood/anxiety = numb. 

Additional meds =8mg of diazipam.

My whole body aches yet it shouldn't. My stomach is growling yet i feel physically sick. 

Things i ask myself....

Q.1 Will i leave my safe space, weighted blanket & mountain of pillows?

A.1 NO. 

Q.2 Will i manage my yoga routine

A.2 NO

Reasons....Why

I feel exhausted even though ive not been outside since Thursday. I just want the aching to subside the pain to leave. My jaw is clenched closed making eating an ordeal. I know this needs to be done. 

The dread of what passive aggressive message/s ill receive today either in person or written either way im struggling to motivate myself to move.

The Internet has been blocked for nearly a wk now. But i just let it slide as the saying goes choose your arguements "wifi is not the hill i want to die on" quote from TBBT. I hear Luke (my brother) is now in his bedroom and his door is closed. He has been banging around the house sending passive aggressive messages (sms) since 4am. My belongings that i left downstairs were thrown into my room. I'm nervous to leave my room till i know he is asleep. 

Flashback/negative thoughts....

1. How can my baby brother be an emotional manipulator. 

2. Last time i had to justify my everymove i was in Portugal in a very bad relationship. 

*****Ways im looking to excuse his behaviour. Find the cause to my sudden crash of low mood aka depression with a nice battle of anxiety.

---Logically i know its not the same. 

---Emotionally it hurts the same. 

The way he looks at me with disgust, resentment & impatience is the trigger. I realise this. How someone you love can make you feel this way. 

Solution: i decide to find a solution to the sudden conflict of money and i know there is a receipt in the car. I go to the normal place the keys are kept and theyre no where to be found. I look in all the obvious logical places they  could be and realise theyre hidden by my loving brother. His Reasons, 1-to stop me  buying shit (his words). 2. He has decided its his house, his car so therefore his rules. (Its all my mums btw)

As im downstairs i notice the kitchen is a mess. Pots all over from a feast Luke cooked up the night before. Or should i say 2am. 

So i feel defeated. Ive basically been cleaning non stop everytime i use a room as per gov guidelines and he just doesnt seem to comprehend the severity of the situation. 

I decide i need to eat. So i opt for Shreddies with Oat Milk (Luke has a serious milk allergy to the milk proteins in cows milk so im not fussed about milk and am happy to use alternatives) topped with vanilla soya yogurt, bannana, a few cranberries, 3 strawberries, sultanas and crushed Almonds. My logical brain is telling me eat well as we are not leaving the bedroom again unless desperate. 

I send a few messages to the family whats app (Luke refuses to be a part of this) and receive encouraging and support in return. Everyone is struggling in their own way so i appreciate having a small outlet between us all.

After food i sleep finally. 

Trying now to Ready myself for round 2 which i know is coming.

My mum calls i dont want to answer but i do. I explain the situation. She knows, she has dealt with his angry behaviour since he was 11yrs old. She stated she is coming to visit Tuesday as per new gov guidelines and we will meet in the park. She then asks me to pass the phone to Luke which i pointblank refuse. Im not ready for round 2 yet. Especially since he has his own phone he is just not answering making everyone worry about him but he just resents it. Its safe to say im proud i refused to do something. Gold star award ⭐

Monday 25th

Mood/Anxiety -  still no change from yesterday but i decide i have to force myself to move. Wash, clean and pack the additional things my mum has requested. 

Additional meds - i decided against taking anything today as i need to be clear headed for my appointment Tues and obvs my mums visit.

I check the weather see its a nice day decide washing is task 1. I set a bath running (multi tasking saving time from all the free time) and head downstairs to pop the washing machine on. Before i left my room i checked my phone for messages i have one from my mum telling me she has had words with Luke and that he needs to basically deal with the resentment in a more positive way. 

This explains all the banging and loud music yesterday early eve. He decided to actually clean. 

Anyhow I head downstairs. Kitchen is clean, messages all wiped from the black board. 

I decide i must try and communicate with Luke as we cant take the conflict with us to the park it isnt fair to our mum. 

I can hear him moving so send a sms message asking if he wants anything in the oven. No response. ***He did finally get out of bed at 3pm so a peaceful day so far. 

I decide food is required. I opt for protein soya burgers x2 with Spinach, tomatos, avacado, sultanas, almond pieces and some crumpets. I sit in the garden to eat.

All washing is out and drying but im to anxiety ridden and unmotivated to enjoy the sunshine. 

I head back to my room to sort bits for my mum and throw away my origami collection. It was over taking my room and again causing conflict. 

Lukes awake!!!. I decide to say hello. So far so good. He decides to make himself lunch and throws a fit because i ate a £0.45 avocado. I walk away as i know he is just venting and i need to not start the circle of negative thoughts or interactions. This is rewarded with resentment. Luke suddenly decides to do his own washing and cut the grass. Which means my washing is in his way. Before he even starts i am pulling in whats dry mainly because i want to go back to bed and need my bedsheets but also because he wont care if my washing turns green or is damaged. To my delight my sheets are dry but my pjs etc need another 30mins so i leave them whilst i go and make my bed. 

Im bellowed at about washing as Luke needs the line. So i head down stairs to reteive the rest of my belongings. 

Self soothing thoughts...

Im walking on eggshells trying not to provoke the beast and i need to keep going. Focus on my achievements. I left my room. I cleaned myself, my clothing and my pillow fort which has been my safe zone for the past 4days. 

Deep down thought i am disappointed as i know isolation and distancing is not a long turn solution as the yrs pass im becoming more and more isolated and lonely. 

Im downstairs again and i ask Luke if he wants anything popping in the oven as i was having toast. He requested 2 burgers and chips but on seperate trays as he was hungry. Easy to do popped into the oven. 40mins later chips are cooked he is plating up and all he says is "why have you cooked so many chips, clearly we now live in a household of wastefulness". 

This was the turning point for me id had enough for 1day and just told him to give it a rest and went to my room. 

Im dozing with Big Bang on in the backround and Luke is banging on my door. Mums on the phone. Confirming arrangements for tomorrow. I say a few oks with the occasional nod. 

I start packing the bits n bobs my mum has asked for and carry then downstairs so theyre ready for the car tomorrow am. 

Its PJs and bed time. Luke has other ideas. He is awake and up and about at 4.30am. Having a bath at 5am, doing weights after his bath at 6am then leaves in the car at 7am. He is back around 8am banging has a shower then decides to leave again in the car. He is meant to be house-bound until July 1st. This in itself causes me anxiety as i cant handle watching another member of my family die in front of my eyes. 

Thoughts...

Yes this is VERY dramatic. STOP IT BRAIN!

Take precautions all will be ok. 

Tuesday 26th

Mood/Anxiety = No change 

Additional meds = 4mg diazipam but late afternoon as i couldnt stop shaking and fidgeting.

My mum is coming to visit. Im trying not to think about the fact Luke is out of the house. 

We are having a picnic social distancing style. 

We head to the coop as Luke has decided even after knowing our mum all his life never be on time, we have to be early. I buy Costa coffee, fresh bread, hummus, bananas, diet coke and some biscuits the nature valley ones theyre really good. Luke doesnt go into the shop I think at least he is listening to some rules. He rolls his eyes as i spray the shopping with dettol spray and use the alcohol hand sanitizer for my hands and door handle etc. I just tell him its how it needs to be done.

We find a perfect parking spot under a bunch of trees. I notice that all the trees are trimmed in a very even shelf across the bottom. It looked like it was designed perfectly for people to walk straight onto the park from the car park without having to fight with tree branches or go around.  But in actual fact its the deer. They eat the lower leaves this made me smile and relax for a moment. WIN.

My mum is late so im nervous that she is 

1. Stuck somewhere (over reaction)

2. Lost (over reaction)

3. Just running late (normal reaction) 

Im a tad fidgety as im aware i have an appointment in 2hrs. Hurry up MOTHER...

I ponder about work and whether or not ill still have a job to return too. Had an email this am stating theyre cutting 200jobs from the team i work in. So not sure if thats a good thing or not. But its also increasing my anxiety as ive read the email and now have a burning desire to do the research to see what my probability of keeping my job will be. Before my brain can go on a major tangent my mum arrives. 

Shes brought Oscar (her poodle) he is so excited to see me. And the big hairy fluff ball  gave me the biggest snuggles. He has a major Covid hairdoo. My mum doesnt hug me which hurts but i know she cant. 

Picnic time. We sit in the middle.of a field away from everyone. Social distancing 10/10. My mum has made me my favourite cakes, rock buns. (Apparently these are a northern thing) but im feeling the love. Its fairly chilled only 1 disagreement with Luke over blinkin avocados.

Im clock checking and aware of impending appointment, im a little (understated) nervous because ive not had positive relationships with therapists or doctors in the past. 

[angrylizardjacket]

like flying [1] {Brian May}

A/N: Stardust AU!!! Mainly a set-up chapter. they/them, fallen star!reader, please please please let me know what you think!!

When one spends their life with their eyes trained on the sky, they tend to miss what’s right in front of them. 

Freddie says that a lot, usually when he’s up by the helm of the ship, and has just witnessed Brian, who is running across the deck trying to get the best vantage point of the sky through the clouds, run straight into John, who in fairness, is equally distracted by the impending storm.

“Could you at least warn us next time?” Brian calls over a crack of thunder.

“Being your guide dog isn’t my job.” Freddie’s glaring into the storm, a white-knuckled grip on the wheel as he prepared to whether it. John doesn’t seem too bothered by it, just picks up his scattered tools, straightens his googles, and heads towards the bow of the ship.

“What about you, ya jackal?” Brian levels a glare at where their resident Warlock had taken up residence on the banister of the quarterdeck, laughing as he watches the events unfold from his vantage point by the Captain. Roger sits with his ankles crossed, balancing with an unnatural ease, and for good reason; his favourite thing was using his magic to make it look like himself appear just that little bit better than the humans around him, irritating git. 

“You should watch where you’re going.” Is all he offers, eyes shining as he watches a crack of lightning streak across the sky.

“I’m trying to watch where we’re all going.” Brian huffs, rolling up his map and putting it in it’s holder for safekeeping. “Anyways, the storms dead ahead, you don’t need me to guide you. I’ll be down by the barrels until this is all over.” And with that he descends further into the ship to keep an eye on, and switch out the lightning barrels as they’re being filled.

From his vantage point on the gun deck, which had initially been for show, and had now been converted into the main collection point that all the lightning funnelled into, Brian could catch glimpses of the storm raging outside, and feel as it knocked the ship about. He had absolute faith in Deaky’s designs, they’d been through far worse and come out singing before, and for now he just contented himself with making sure that none of the lightning barrels overflowed, and occasionally catching a glimpse of stars through the clouds. 

There was no denying he was rather enamoured with them, at least as a concept; spending thousands of years bringing light to the world in it’s darkest hours, holding their constellations for hundred, even thousands of years, watching silently as the universe passes them by, all without complaint. There was something beautiful, artistic about the way they arranged themselves, something that made Brian feel so unbelievably small, and occasionally futile, in comparison. But their constant nature was often the only things that kept him sane aboard this ship, and so he wouldn’t begrudge the stars their shining constance, he’d just be thankful they shone at all, and kept him in a job, and ironically, kept him grounded. 

Roger joins him almost immediately after the storm passes. Brian’s carefully distilling a little of the freshest lightning into a little sample size if the buyer’s unconvinced of it’s quality, which is a tricky process involving heat-proof mittens and a weird metal hose, and Roger pulls off the lid of the barrel without a second thought. By now, Brian doesn’t even flinch; Roger’s adept at keeping the lightning contained with his magic and a flick of his wrist, and looks into the crackling metal barrel without any hesitation.

“Seems like we’ve got a good batch on our hands.” Roger tries to sound like he knows what he’s talking about, like he doesn’t say that every time because he’s a little in awe at the sight of what’s essentially bottled lightning. Brian doesn’t comment. “Well I appreciate your candor, I did do an excellent job.” Roger fills in the blanks with exactly what he wants to hear, and he steps back, stretching out his hand, and there’s a panic that rises in Brian’s chest as what appears to be an electrified serpent rises from the barrel.

“Do you have to show off like that?” Brian asks, deadpan, trying his hardest to hide the fear that the loud, electric snaps bring out in him. After a moment, he caps the sample and shuts off the little vent that he distills the lightning from before taking away the piping, while Roger rolls his eyes but obligingly shoves the lightning back into the barrel. 

As he’s capping it, his hold on the lightning slips for just a moment, and there’s a sudden burst as the not yet secured cap is torn through from his grip, rocketing faster than the eye can see up through the roof of the deck, and into the sky. Electricity bursts forth, fire blooming where the lighting hits the walls and floor in an instant, the very power of it sending both Roger and Brian to opposite ends of the room; it’s deafening, overwhelming, and it takes all of Roger’s focus to wrangle the electricity back under control.

“Spare lid!” He shouts, which Brian parrots back mockingly, looking around.

“We’ve never needed a spare lid why would we have one?!” He cries, and can hear, in the now still night air outside, Freddie cursing up a blue streak as he and Deaky come over to the newly formed hole in the floor of the deck to investigate. 

“Because it’s better to be safe than sorry!” Roger retorts, and suddenly there’s a pair of goggles looking down at them, Deaky, alongside their incredibly annoyed Captain.

“What the blood hell has happened?”

“Roger-” Brian tried to explain as he was putting out fires across the room, but he was cut off.

“We need a spare lid for this batch, okay? I’ll explain after.” Roger insisted, much to both Freddie and Brian’s chagrin.

“We don’t have a spare lid.” Deaky responded, and his face disappeared from the hole where they had been looking in. Freddie’s gaze turns skyward, as if trying to see if the lid was falling back to Earth, though he seemed transfixed.

“Ha! I told you!” Brian cried, and Roger rolled his eyes, as Deaky showed up at the door a few moments later, pulling various items from his tool belt as he set about making a make-shift lid.

“It won’t hold forever.” Deaky explained, “and we can’t sell this batch, I’ve basically just welded a metal plate to the top, and added some insulator. We need to get a new lid.” Roger relaxed, the sudden exertion and overuse of his powers hitting him all at once, though they all jumped when he let go of his hold of the electricity and it crashed threateningly at the new lid.

“How long do we have?” Roger asks, arms crossed as he puts out an on-fire chair with a wave of his hand before collapsing into it. Brian wants to make a snarky remark, but he’s too busy putting out fires of his own, and even at a glance Roger looks like he’s death standing, or sitting as the case may be; either way he’s at his limit. 

“A few days, maybe? I did the best I could given,” and he waves his hand around the ashy room and scattered supplies, “but those lids are specially designed.” And after stamping out a fire by the door, he takes off his goggles. “Worst comes to worst, I can crack the lid and we can chuck it overboard; it’ll come loose in the air and won’t be our problem.” 

“And waste a perfectly good barrel? I don’t think so, dear; we’re going to get our lid.” Freddie sounds so confident that it’s a little unnerving, and he’s still looking at the sky. Brian peers up through the hole and tries to follow his gaze.

“How do you even know where it is?” He asked, and Freddie turned with a bright smile, pointing at light in the sky growing steadily brighter at an alarming rate.

“Because it hit a star, and we can watch where it falls.”

The thing about you is that you adored humanity, you just never understood them. You’d always been so caught up in their day-to-day intricacies that you’d never been bored watching empires come and go, or see history repeat itself over and over again. Each little era brought something new, something to shake up the routine, and everyone’s personal lives, and sometimes you were even able to catch a glimpse of love. That was your favourite thing to watch, the way people would fall in love time and time again, and there’s little patterns, people drawn to one another, sometimes you feel as if you’re watching the same souls come back to each other over and over again. If you liked to fantasize about being one of those souls, you would never say anything to the others who shine beside you, bored with the ebb and flow with time that seemed to change little with each passing eon. 

You knew, objectively, that there were people who looked up at you, who even perhaps loved you, but it wasn’t the same, you couldn’t tell them you loved them in the same way, and after all, you liked it where you were, free from the fear of having your heart eaten like you’d seen happen to your brothers and sisters before, free from the fear of rejection; humans tend to like humans, and you knew if given half a chance you’d want to act out your little fantasy. But it wouldn’t come true; even people who looked up at the stars learned to love something on the ground, you’d seen it happen too many times. 

You were secure where you were, one of the brightest shining stars in the sky, glowing as you delighted in the antics of the people below you, and you never thought that would have to change. 

Until what seems to be a metal plate smacks you in the chest, winding you and knocking you from your perch in the sky. You weren’t even able to cry for help as you crash through the atmosphere. Fear has a stranglehold on your whole body, all you can do is clutch the metal to your chest as the ground approaches, and part of you, in hindsight, will be glad that you passed out before you hit the ground.

deadly viper assassination squad: @strangeandwonderfulconcepts @thatgeekspeak @some-back-ground-noise @ma-ntequilla @d-r-e-a-m-catchme @legendsaresooftenwarnings​ @phantom-fangirl-stuff @obsessedwithrogertaylor​ @cosmicsskies​ @sam-writes​ @queen-mischief-fanfiction​

(i just tagged everyone who expressed interest; tag list is always open, feel free to message me or comment on the fic and i’ll add you xx)

[bracebitez]

probably long ass vent

im aware i should be telling this shit to a therapist ect but yea

so last few months have been fuckin weird, uhh realized a few weeks or month or so back that the substance abuse issues are actually likely binge addiction which is interesting, i have like diagnosed on my chard substance abuse disorder but always thought it was like a whatever thing ig but actually have realized its fucked me up alot and was seriously not good at all ect,

mainly because a while ago i went on a week where i was just out of my mind high like the entire time in a way of i dont even want to be high i just want this brain shit to fuck off, had alot of like probably genuine drug induce psychosis moment and alot of just weird stuff ig and majorly fucked with depersonalization, like i still have a super weird shaky and scary sense of self because of it, there were multiple times during that i genuinely did not know who i was where i was ect even tho entire time i was literal laying in bed praying i could sleep it off and itd stop, which rlly fucked me up and i kept getting high anyway and worsening it because i didnt wanna deal with it or see a point to doing so, which fucked with me

and then also like a few weeks ago or so i once again got high a few times which were really not good to the point of im not sure if it was flashbacks or like what but have a whole weird psychotic thing i still dk if it was real or not what i was experiencing or rembering type thing cuz it reallyy felt like multiple intense detailed flashbacks that aligned and made sense with so much of my life ect when i was little n explained a lot but also like i really dont think any of that stuff happened and was likely just tranfered thoughts images ect experinces ect from the othwr very real trauma i do know i have and also likely tied with like that and the constant nightmares about that stuff but also i really dont know, its very likely just drug induced shit tied inti past trauma on that subject coupled with the nightmares and intrusive thoughts about it,

so thats a whole thing, then like also just the intrusive thoughts are getting so bad that its like i stay in bed and dont wanna do or view or just anything that could trigger them or remind me of them because the second they happen my brain just latches on and force feeds me graphic detailed images and just plays it all out n its just really vile, and is so bad for so many reasons

also like my brain is fucked like cognitively atp from alotta stuff that its like i cldnt go back to being able to do the things or be the person i was because of it which is both good and bad i suppose

im just majorly struggling with alotta stuff and yea, i haven't had any motivation for work or to do anything really for like a few different reasons aswell, the panic and just overwhelming ness i have with just existing is so scary, part of its somwhat exatientialist ish ig but just theres so fucking much,

also best part of that is that the only thing that stops the thoughts and let's me be enjoyably social is drinking, like other people like me more when i do in a way that really isnt even deniable atp which is somthing ?? idk i really dont wanna drink or smoke of take anything anymore because i dont like what it does to me at all and i just really dont wanna but it almost feels like atp i have to just to be able to exist for other people and its fucking horrible

and this is just really only part of it and shit and theres soso much of it its yea,

i also wanna go to sleep rn but im too terrified of nightmares and dreams to be able to at all so i just don't know what to do anymore

[rain-line]

i had such a really sad, fucked up dream yalls

i dont remember wat happened in most of it, i just remember the ending/climax of it. even tho it was fictional i feel devastated

basically me and two friends were being chased by this really determined, wildly angry dude out for revenge. this dude was like on a strategic mind plane of zero escape or komaeda levels. so im gonna call him komaeda. one of the friends with me was some rando blondie so ill just call her kaede (bc she was sweet and very motivated n cute). the other friend,,, was literally just chihiro.

(this is p long so its under cut)

 like im only calling the villain of this dream komaeda bc of how crazy strategic n wild he was, he wasnt literally komaeda. and im calling the other friend kaede just based on looks. but this other person i was escaping with was actually just chihiro. we called them chihiro and everything. just a random dangan ronpa character for no reason lol.

we were on a high floor of a multi-storied building (like a hotel or apartment or something) and komaeda guy cornered us in a room and he sprays some sleeping gas stuff in the air so we cant run from him, like, he even sprays it within HIS own vicinity. thats how confident he was i guess he knew/was counting on that he would be the first to wake up and then he could kill kaede and chihiro (he didnt really care about me, he just wanted kaede n chihiro ded bc he felt they wronged him or watev. even tho i wasnt on his hit-list he was still dangerous so i was still scared tho and wanted to help my friends 😔 )

so kaede chihiro n komaede fall asleep bc of the sleep gas and i dont bc i held my breathe (mind blown amirite) and first thing i do is drag komaeda away into another room and try to think wat i can do with this opportunity since hes knocked out. but im weak and theres nothing i can use as a weapon to maim or kill him. (and thinking back on it, i shouldve at least tied him up to buy time but that never occured to dream me lol) the whole time while i was trying to figure out wat to do, he kept drifting in and out of the gas sleep mumbling incoherently about his plans and even trying to weakly get away from me. i just left him alone in that room and went back to the other room where kaede n chihiro were still knocked out.

i couldnt get them to wake up so i try my best to help them get away. the only other escape from the room was through the balcony. so one by one i drag and toss (GENTLY AS I CAN) their bodies from current balcony to next balcony on the floor beneath. a random gardener dude notices me and helps after quick explanation of the dire situation. having the extra manpower makes this go by way smoother and easier. we’re on the last couple floors of the building, chihiro wakes up after i move him to the next balcony. (gr8!) i climb up to the previous balcony to check to see if kaede is waking up yet and to move her to the next balcony as well, but just as i climb up both me and the rando gardener see sleepy kaede being dragged away by komaeda from a nearby vent system or watever. we’re shook.

i start to immediately climb through the vent to go after them and save her but the scenery in the building is extremely scary, like in this video exactly (probably bc i had just watched that vid for the first time about 2 nights ago). so as much as i wanted to go in and save her i was terrified. U_U 

me, gardener and chihiro try to discuss and brainstorm thingsg we could do. we weren't gonna run off to save ourselves or go look for help bc we didnt want to leave kaede  behind, but also we we were all just too scared to go in there. i tried one more time to go in and i didnt get too far bc it just kept getting scarier the more u went in so i crawled back out.

we spent maybe an hour or two trying our best to brainstorm and venture (unsuccessfully) through the vent system. finally i built up enough courage and determination for kaede and hatred for komaeda that i was ready to face fears and enter the vents again. my plan was to just run through it loud and screaming- so that rather than being jumpscared and caught off guard myself, i’d already alert or scare watever is in there so i would see them coming and it wouldnt be so scary. we still didnt have any weapons or anything, but the gardener gave me this dull gardening tool that kinda looked like one of those tools u see people pick up cake slices on to serve, u kno?

so just as i was ready to burst in, a mega bruised up, beaten, komaeda gets kicked from a window and lands in front of us. we’re all like ‘yay! kaede finally managed to best him!’ i think for a second, where is kaede tho? but i get too overwhelmed seeing komaeda there, this is finally the chance to stop him and make sure he doesnt hurt us or anyone else ever again. he has been a nightmare and i just hope he didnt hurt kaede too much. komaeda is just sittin there and seems to have already accepted his fate. doesnt say anything but it just warmly smiling and waiting for us to end it.

i wasnt gonna miss another oppurtunity like back when he pulled the sleeping gas stunt so i stab him with the  blunt  tool over and over in the face, in his eye, chest, heart- thats wen he falls over n dies. but i keep stabbing him in the back bc this whole dream hes been after us and causing so much stress and anxiety and i want to MAKE SURE he cant get back up somehow through some sneaky tricks up his sleeve or something.

after that ordeal we make our way out the building. we somehow knew that kaede would meet us down there (dream logic i guess). the weather turns into heavy, almost sideways rain. we see kaede made it to the roof of a building across the street via zip line. shes wearing a yellow raincoat bc of the weather (lol.) we’re like yay katie made it out safe. but the gardener is like ‘i dunno, doesnt it kinda look like shes way too spotless, unscratched, untouched for having winning a struggle with komaeda?’ i dont respond and ignore his comment, but it makes a very frightening feeling and thought itch at my mind that something indeed isnt right.

heres the fuckin kick

we meet up withi kaede on the roof only for her to remove the hood of the raincoat and speak to us to reveal that this is actually komaeda with his hair dyed blonde and dressed in kaede’s clothes. hes laughing in our faces and tells us what he did and watches the despair on my face. 

after he snatched kaede from the vent, he beat her the fuck up enough to make up for the fact that he wasnt able to get chihiro too. then he cut and dyed her hair (as well as dyeing his) and switched their clothes (which he actually probably did first since kaedes clothes were spotless remember) that would explain why they were in there for hours while we outside too afraid to go in, deliberating on wat to do. he actually finished setting up with time to spare, but he used that time to just wait, so that our tensions (mainly mine) would build up so much that i would feel fed up and reach the height of my anger, so thats wen he decided it was time to t hrow the disguised kaede at us from the window. he knew the mere sight of “him” would flare up my rage. 

poor katie was so beaten n rekt that she could barely move or even speak, which is why she didnt do anything to fight back or speak. she  couldnt. thats why she, as “komaeda” just sat there and smiled. that was honestly all she could do, just smile at us and accept her fate ;-;  i fucking murdered her.

so the dream ended with komaeda dressed as kaede laughing maniacally at us in the rain with the occasional lightning strikes, like a stereotypical villain ending.

that was the end. i woke up sooooooooooooooo  shookened.

tbh tho, as bad as that dream made me feel im also in love bc ive always liked tragic stories- tragic heroes, sad endings, tearjerker movies, etc, anything sad i love it. so on one hand, im devastated this happened, but on another hand im like- this is a genius storyline. a masterpiece. i love it.

[homestucky]

ok time to do a sort of a vent post  which i may regret and delete but i got lotso thoughts

i been doin a lot of my classic Lindsaylohac Self Indulgent Navel Gazing(TM) because obviously, 

and anyways in this time i been trying to figure myself out a bit. ive probably already ranted about this but anyways. im kind of feeling like maybe im aromantic and asexual altho im still not 100% but its just rlly made me have some interesting revelations

and i know theres a lot of discourse atm about ace stuff and honestly im not commenting on any of that (for one thing its not like theres one big idea being debated there, from what i can see theres loads of different questions and issues so i dont know how people can take such confident stances... seems like theres no clear cut like “sides” so to speak, just like........... a big mess)

ANYWAYS

im kind of freaked out by it all, just because i feel like ive just sort of realised how much about attraction that i never knew because no one ever explains it because youre meant to just feel it at some point and thats how you know BUT I DONT KNOW and i need someone to tell me because i dont understand it and i only recently realised how badly i dont understand it like ive been on forums with a bunch of aroace people and we were all being like ‘woa guys i just found out that romantic feelings are meant to feel DIFFERENT to friendship, guess i might be aro too lol’ and a bunch of other people responding like wait WHAT is that how its meant to feel????? nobody ever told me that!!! 

and i just

hhh

at the moment theres a bit of tumblr content making fun of ace people a little like people saying that being on the ace spectrum doesnt exist because thats just called ‘not sleeping with everyone you see lol’ and other stuff but like this is legit.. this is different to ‘having standards’ or ‘waiting for the right person’ or any decision like that.. this feels at least at the moment like im built to have zero comprehension for anything involving relationships or attraction. it feels like a rlly important distinction to me. like its not a choice im making.. i feel colour blind

dont get me wrong i know i am a privileged person in a lot of ways. and while i dont think i feel like i can call myself het, im not about to try and muscle in on the lgbt community, or attempt use that as a get out of jail free card so i can.. like, hide ignorance or prejudice behind ‘im not het, so i cant be problematic!’. and im certainly not about to start saying im being oppressed by gay ppl or something stupid like that, im not. first and foremost when it comes to sexuality n identity politics i want to listen and to be a good ally because my sexuality doesnt have prejudice against it directly as much as it just isnt really discussed. which has its own problems sure, but ykno. 

i wuld kind of dig it if asexuality and aromanticism were more widely talked abt or represented at least so people know what it is in case thats what they are because obviously a) its just nice to see but mainly b) i and many other people like me im sure have gotten myself into situations or almost gotten myself into situations because i didnt understand them or didnt understand that what i was feeling wasnt ‘feelings’. because otherwise u can just sort of.. end up doing what you think a ‘normal’ person would do. and it sort of sucks and is confusing

nd by representation i do NOT mean white men who are depicted as highly intellectual, cold, alien, or robotic, who’ve like, ‘deleted’ sexuality for efficiency, but then always ALWAYS still end up somehow having an implied relationship with ONE SPECIAL WOMAN because shes just SO SPECIAL he has to make an exception because thats nothing. thats useless. stop.

so basically in conclusion heternormativity sucks for everyone and i want it to be destroyed