#this isn't helping

[aparticularbandit]

the dynamic of junko never forgiving mukuro for leaving and mukuro coming back, seeing how fucked up junko got, and then refusing to leave again because she knows how much her leaving fucked junko up the first time

of mukuro specifically staying with junko because she never should have left to join fenrir in the first place and she doesn't know how to apologize for that and so she atones by never leaving again

[citriosis]

vent. us stuff implied + sui/ideation. will delete later as always with the "into the void" posts

was gonna make a half-joking "after dan and phil tonight i've pretty much got nothing left" post before realizing that i actually am unironically in that space of "i can't see a future for myself in this world" and i didn't even really realize it when i was in therapy earlier today lol. i don't even really want to kill myself? i just don't not want to die. i think i'm too dissociated to be actively suicidal but the passive ideation is very, very strong.

it doesn't help that i've been struggling to get out of bed and isolating from most of my supports, especially right now.

also please don't like. "no don't you dare kill yourself outlive him you've survived this before" on this post because i promise you it's really not what i need to hear. i'm not unsafe i'm just extremely numb and this is smth i need to deal with in my own way. i just needed this out in the void

[raziraphale]

see it's not like I WANT google to know things about me but I'm tired of being bombarded with youtube ads for that company that specializes in bras for small chests. like great glad that exists but you should somehow be able to divine from my watch history that I have a rack. do better

[seonghrtz]

trying to work on my new series to see if the writer's block goes away...

[alfairb]

I wasn't started yet, I didn't even think you were listening I wasn't ready at all to say anything about anything interesting

[squirmydonnie]

CW: religion

I'm trying to figure out what the next step is.

This is the 2nd time that something like this has happened( in 2 1/2 weeks )

And maybe the 50th I've felt like this. So what's the plan here?

I feel like my best option is to just halt completely. Come to a complete stop. Never do it again.

Unfortunately it isn't that simple.

So should I try and stop completely anyway?

This is normacly to me. Despite how bad it feels I can't really imagine what it would be like.

I could try! But it doesn't seem possible. Or at the very least realistic.

I've been trying to help people for a long time.

Some may say that means it's a calling. But I don't know if a calling should hurt so bad.

How can I know for sure this is what I truly want? After all, I was a Christian once.

What a weird time in my life. And to think it didn't end to long ago. Only about 2 or 3 years.

Yet it feels like it's been so long.

I never disliked helping others when I was young. And then, to know it was something I was supposed to do in the bible made me happier.

I was happy to do it. I didn't bother me. Because I knew it would be soon.

I started making deals with God. Telling him that I would just get it all out my system now and then I would return. But I never did.

I'm not sure what my next step is but its probably stopping the excessive checking.

I'm not sure how I'm going to do it.

I'll just have to be nice to myself when it happens.

[heatseeker-22]

DEAR LORD HAVE MERCY

[formlessvoidbeast]

newbie fic authors, shooting themselves in the foot: This fic is bad haha I suck at writing lol I am being mean to myself in the hopes that you will be nice to me but actually am dissuading anyone from even clicking on my fic because all I have done to advertise it is tell you why you shouldn't read it

me: I am King Big Dick of Fanfic Mountain and I have arrived in your fandom with the Express Intention of writing my Very Favorite Fics, which I will generously allow you to read. You're welcome.

[uncanny-tranny]

I think so many people are so deeply alienated from themselves that they have no clue how to exercise their free will and autonomy. For some, this alienation runs so deep that they are afraid of their own autonomy and humanity. It is completely understandable why one would have those feelings, but it can be worrisome.

I want to help others who feel this way, so here are small things I have done to exercise my free will:

Add "guilty pleasure" songs to playlists and actually listen to them (I have a ton of late 1990s-early 2000s music I listen to now proudly that I never listened to in the past out of shame)

Getting the décor item, bath set, bed spread, ect. in the patterns you like, even if it's "childish" (I got a dinosaur-themed wastebasket from the kids' décor section and I adore it)

Taking a new route to get to a place you go to often

Eat dessert first

Celebrate well, and often

Collect things that are "odd" or don't seem like an "acceptable" thing to collect (somebody on my "for you" page collects dandelion crayola crayons and it was so cool!!!!!!)

Incorporate one new piece in an outfit you wear frequently (e.g., a new chain, a necklace, ribbons, bracelets, ect.). Challenge yourself to add onto the outfits if you feel up for it.

Sing along to songs without worrying that you sound "good" or your intonation is completely accurate

Read a book from a genre you weren't allowed to read as a kid (comics, thrillers, mysteries, anything!)

Walk without having a specific destination or goal

Pick up a new craft without expecting yourself to master it or to ever be "good" enough. Get your hands messy.

I don't want to shame anybody for not feeling as though they have free will or that they are exempt from exercising it. However, I wanted to give ideas so that you might read this list and find your own ways to express your intrinsic autonomy and will. You deserve to be a person, to feel alive, not just living. That is what our lives are for.

[confinesofmy]

alright i've thought about it for two seconds and my eating habits blow up because i'm too stressed to eat. i've checked the timelines. i've looked at next week and thought about what happened literally one month ago today and it's just stress. i can't eat because i'm stressed. what do i do with this information.

[biggest-gaudiest-patronuses]

zany to me how these um actually nihilists like to pretend that "um actually love/friendship/cooperation/kindness isn't real bc we evolved that way to benefit ourselves as a species..." um YES? that's also where tool use comes from? that's where cooking comes from? am i supposed to think social bonds & tool use & cooking aren't "real" because they evolved over time instead of appearing fully formed from the ether?

sorry u can't enjoy things. im a superior being twirling a fork in my bowl of delicious noodles whilst staring in adoration at the world

[o0kawaii0o]

4 hearts

[calicole22]

@/////@ .... very cruel......

we need more armpit tickling art../nf

so cruel... do we really....

[samble-moved]

post itself

false flags

trans/adjacent tags

accessibility features

tumblr live post (thanks for the link, @problemnyatic)

flashing / strobing / lights

unblockable flashing ad

buying ad free

staff @/macmanx guilt trip

list of staff + more issues

[gablehood]

historian: -writing about sums of money in the past-

me: alas how will i ever have context for the value of currency at that time

historian, about to immediately hit me with the wages of a skilled tradesman in that era:

[aashiqeddiediaz]

you know what boils my blood.

over the last 2 weeks, i've seen countless patients walk into my urgent care center, symptomatic for so many things, refusing to get tested for covid and flu, citing that they don't want to knowingly bring it to their holiday tables. i had a patient tell me, verbatim, "i don't want to test for covid, because i don't want to be the asshole who brings it on a plane."

i understand that - i understand that holidays are times where people look forward to meeting loved ones that they might only see once a year, or where they get a break from the hectic back and forth of their lives.

but here's the thing - whether they get tested or not, they will bring whatever they have to their holiday tables. it's pure recklessness to know that you're sick, and walk into someone else's house spreading the disease.

today, january 2, i saw 91 patients, many of them who have tested positive for covid and flu. many of these patients are the same ones who didn't want testing 3 days ago, until their events were over, and now, they will have to reach out to everyone they know to let them know that they were positive because they were showing symptoms well before their event.

the next week or two? we're going to see many, many more, all people with symptoms that started around christmas. these are the only two viruses we test for rapidly in our office, but they are potent and can be fatal in many people.

so here's why i wrote this post, and maybe it's a little late, but - if you care about your loved ones, please get tested if you know you're sick. it doesn't have to be at a clinic if you don't want it to, because the over-the-counter tests work just fine too (if you test within 5-7 days of symptom onset). just...please don't try to run from the knowledge that you might have covid, because immunocompromised people, elderly people, people with co-morbidities like asthma, pregnancy, diabetes, etc...many of them may not recover. and they may not be sitting at your holiday table in the future because of it.