#this is yet another reason why I have to cut off conversation with them eventually

[thisismycorneroftheinternet]

Shit's happening again yet again back at home, my baby sister was telling me about it, and that is stressing me out.

[discodeerdiary]

There's a good reason why I try not to argue publicly with anyone under 18, and it's not that I think they're inherently stupid, it's not that I think their brains are "underdeveloped", it's not that I think they can "do no wrong", it's that I never know how much freedom they actually have to think freely, or how many of their opinions are actually their own. Of course, under-18s *can be* capable of thinking for themselves and developing their own opinions, but (here in the US at least) law and culture put a lot of roadblocks on their ability to do so.

Of course parents and teachers cannot actually control the inner thoughts of the children they wield power over, but they can restrict the information that they have access to, can punish them for saying the wrong things, can cut them off from healthy diverse social groups, and can convince the child their thoughts are being monitored through religion, psychology, and other appeals to higher authority.

Thus if a random teenager says some headass shit in my mentions I have no way of knowing if these are opinions they arrived at on their own, or if they are dogmas forced on them by the people holding food and shelter over their head. If it's the latter, there's nothing to be gained from a public confrontation: people are generally unwilling to change their opinions in a direction that threatens their social support system, and they are especially unwilling to do so at the behest of an internet stranger who cannot offer alternative forms of support. If a teen is genuinely curious about my opinion (that is *if they consent* to a discussion of disagreements) and if I have the mental bandwidth for a potentially emotionally loaded conversation, yeah I'll have it, but I'm not gonna maintain any illusions about my ability to change their mind until they can find a way to live independently.

This is also why my leniency toward the not-yet-adult tends to also extend to the recently-adult. Coming up with a system of beliefs that you're actually willing to stand behind? Shit takes time, and I'm not necessarily gonna expect it of a 20-year-old who may, for all I know, have been living under conditions of near-absolute control up until their 18th birthday. Sure they may be opening their mind in college, or college may be their parents way of keeping them too occupied with busywork to develop new opinions, as they continue to hold financial support over their head. It's around their mid-twenties that I'm willing to go full gloves-off antagonistic with strangers, knowing that they've had a few years of legal and social adulthood under their belt, and that even if they're still financially dependent on their parents it's a different sort of dependence, one where they're given default legal permission to run away from home.

A lot of people are deeply uncomfortable with this line of thinking because if you look too far into the factors that influence young people's thoughts, you eventually have to start asking yourself which forces of dependency are influencing your own beliefs and opinions. Yeah, as an independent adult you may have the option to quit your job, divorce your spouse, ditch your friends, move to another country, but realistically how many of these can you accomplish at the same time? How many do you even want to? And how are all of these forces *in aggregate* setting the acceptable limits of what you're allowed to think and feel? It can be upsetting to think of yourself this way, it can be easier to think of yourself as a true free thinker and children as mindless automatons, but I urge you to think of mentally coercive environments as a continuum rather than a binary. The point is not to free yourself from all influence, but to gain the ability to see yourself as an influenced mind, and to have compassion for those dealing with all the bullshit you don't have to anymore.

[ogh-rambles]

In Your Absence.

summary: you finally get to see things (things mostly comprised of pretty people) and console a crying child in the midst of it all. joy. word count: 2.1k status -> unedited

Chapter I: Familiar

It has been a few hours, you guess— since you had last been sent to the ‘Knights of Favonius Headquarters’ to be put into a more comfortable bed.

Unable to do as much as lift a finger, you had listened to the person everyone had all called ‘Honorary Knight’ leave with his companion.

Barbara left to tend to her deaconess duties, Jean had not yet returned after leaving to find this ‘Albedo’, and now you were all alone again.

The room is painfully quiet. So quiet that you could feel your head spin. Now that your ability to see and to move had been taken from you, every other sensation had been multiplied tremendously. Every click, tick, and rustle makes you shudder and want to writhe out of your skin.

It certainly doesn't help that you had been covered head to toe in oily gauze and bandages. The material clings to your skin making it tickle and itch. It was overwhelming to say at least. You want to move.

You want out.

So, it could only be a relief to you when you hear the muffled sound of voices outside the door, Jean being the most familiar.

“... Have you been getting enough sleep, Acting Grand Master?” You overhear a cat-like voice, teasing Jean with the slightest snappy undertone. “You’re telling us that… they’re here? The one who—”

“ --- I know. ” Jean cuts the other off, frustrated, and rightfully so. “I… know. It sounds outright bizarre and impossible to me as well. But that is exactly why you both are here, Kaeya… Albedo.”

A pause of silence encapsulates the conversation before eventually, you hear an exhausted sigh.

“Just, please. Take a look at them.”

“I do not see any reason not to.” Another voice responds, soft-spoken and aloof. You pick up on a shuffling of a pencil on paper before you hear them speak again. “Shall we head in? Or would you like to stay—”

“It is quite alright, Albedo.” Kaeya is fast to refute and you can essentially hear his thin-lipped smile underneath all that bedazzling demeanour. “Let us go inside then, shall we?”

You hear the doorknob promptly shift and creak open, bringing the waft of wind with it... There's a feeling in the air, you can tell. But you can't seem to put your finger on what it is. The three had paused as soon as the door had opened. It was as if Jean was giving them a moment to take you in like if she had not, they would just believe it to be a dream. A well-thought-out morbid prank if you will.

Your hand trembles at your side. Come on, move, move, move...! Open, open, open. Your damn eyes! You were so sick and spent at the lack of sureness and knowing that this darkness had cast upon you. 

Your brow twitches, furrowing the slightest amount. Jean gasps. It divots once more.

"They look like they are in pain," Albedo states plainly after clearing his throat subtly. It was as if he hadn't been expecting himself to react in such a way. Hadn't been expecting... You. "Their injuries seem very similar to the ones that they had before they..."

"Does it not?" Jean agreed rather hastily, the clicks of her shoes swiftly approaching you.

She did not wish to hear the end of that sentence, you realised... You would have been less irritated if you had felt the same way.  

A sliver of brightness beams through the dark that is your world. 

Finally.

Your eyes flutter open to a dimly lit bedroom and... a face. Wavy blonde hair frames it perfectly as pretty blue eyes search your face. Jean. She looks at you like she’s waiting for… something. Anything. But what, you wonder?

Your gaze flickers to the corner of the room, where standing next to the door — are people equally as breath-taking as Jean.

The tall man you think is ‘Kaeya’ stares at you warily. With lengthy blue hair tucked into a ponytail and a narrowed periwinkle eye (and hold on, was his pupil a star?), his stance emanated a sassy energy. Over his right eye was an eye patch, embellished with gold lining. 

While his relaxed stature doesn’t let up, his expression grows more rigid as he notices your eyes on him. How mysterious, you quip to yourself— before your stare flits over to the other.

Standing a bit further back is an ash-blonde of smaller stature, that you guessed is Albedo.

He has some kind of tattoo on his neck, in the same star shape you had noticed in Kaeya’s eye— only in gold. The mark was hard to miss, almost as if it were drawing you in. Teal eyes follow your gaze to his neck before glancing back up at you with an imperturbable look.

Witty and teasing. Reserved and observant. Both men somehow radiate the way they speak, you think. 

“(Name)...? ” 

Jean’s voice snaps your attention back to her. The bare mention of your name sends another shiver down your spine and if she had noticed your flinch, she had ignored it.

“How —” You grimace at the initial scratchiness of your voice before clearing your throat. “... How do you know my name?”

Her breath hitches in her throat and her greyish-blue eyes go wide and misty. Oh joy, you wince. The sheer mess that your voice has become after not speaking for a short while, has brought someone to actual tears.

“You are… really (Name)?” She asks again, slowly.

“Yes… I think so.” You suddenly feel a lot more nervous than you were under the eye of these three strangers. “It’s the only thing I can remember, really.”

Jean purses her lips, finally tearing her eyes away from you to Albedo. 

“Could you…?” She begins and Albedo nods— quickly understanding.

Side-stepping around Kaeya, Albedo approaches your bedside. Jean leaves the chair she had been sitting on and makes way for the blonde. She swiftly ushers Kaeya out of the room with little hassle, giving you one last look you can’t decipher before turning and leaving herself.

And then there were two.

Now that you were much closer, you notice a strange pattern in his eyes as he looks away from you to pull out his pencil and clipboard. You swear it swims and swirls around in his pupil every time he moves around. 

“Is there something about me that you find interesting enough for you to stare so passionately at?”

You blink. Albedo is staring at you and he seems genuinely intrigued, maybe even a bit amused.

“Ah. No, I just think your eyes are very strange,” you catch yourself before continuing. “Sorry, I mean... In a good way, of course.”

He lifts his brows slightly. “A good way?”

“They’re strange in a pretty way.”

“Hmm.” Albedo’s lips part a bit as he searches your face, just as Jean had— albeit more curiously. “... Thank you.”

Silence overtakes the conversation again, but it’s unlike the ones that came before— so loudly silent.

It’s a mellow stillness that sits well in your stomach. Doesn’t make it churn and holler like the other did and somehow it feels familiar to you in a way. A lot of things had felt familiar to you in a way, you reckon.

“Have we met before?” 

Albedo’s head snaps up at you, frozen. His eyes go wide, slightly. It’s an expression that you feel as though it isn't like him to have, but you have no clue why.

You blink at him. He blinks back before reverting back to appearing passive, shoulders relaxing.

“... Why do you say so?” He asks.

“I have no idea.” You ignore the way he refutes your question with another. “You feel familiar to me, I think... The others too.”

He looks at you pointedly. 

"You sound unsure about a lot of things. Do you know anything?"

It was strange… and a little irritating. What was with all these pretty people being overly ambiguous and avoiding your questions? You wanted to know.

You shrug. “I know about as much as you do about me.”

Albedo taps his pencil lightly on his clipboard, shuffling to make himself comfortable in the chair. He scribbles down something obscure to you. While he does whatever he’s doing, you look around the room. It was a guest room, you assume, a bit cramped sure— but okay. You can see a bit outside the window from the bed, the hundreds of tiny little stars blinking back at you as you gaze at them.

“She never answered.” You say after some time.

Albedo looks up from his writing. “ Pardon ?”

“How she knew my name, I mean. She didn’t answer.” You glance back at him. “Do you know how she knew? Did you also know my name?”`

Albedo does not answer, he just… stares at you.

You press on despite the unease that grips your heart.

“Do you know… me? Did you know me?” 

The blonde runs a gloved hand through his hair, the strands falling gracefully in place. His face slightly contorts into a subtle frown, a crease forming between his brows.

“So similar…” He catches your gaze. “Ah, never mind.” 

You sigh.

---

Albedo asks you a few more questions before he leaves, explaining how he needs to go 'check up on his experiments' as he has not been keeping an eye on them for a while.

He hadn't needed to explain to you a reason why he was leaving, but he had anyway, to your surprise. You asked him if he was some sort of scientist. He had responded with a quirk of the lip and a curt 'somewhat' before shutting the door behind him.

Then there was one.

Albedo hadn't given you orders to stay in your room, but you still were somewhat hesitant to go outside your bubble of short-term familiarity. 

In the meantime, you found the silence wasn't so overwhelming when you could finally move about and see things. The room wasn't much to stare at, though the window would give you an opportunity to distract yourself from your amnesia.

So you sat, in the chair that you had dragged over -- with more effort than you had thought you needed -- staring through the misty window into the chilliness of the night.

Mondstadt was stunning at night. The houses, paths, and architecture remind you of storybooks that you could barely recall. What would the city look like in the day? You wonder.

You’re not sure if you should go out so soon though. Your lips twitch into a grimace.

You did give the citizens quite a first impression when you arrived looking half-dead in the Honorary Knight’s arms. Speaking of whom, you still had to thank them for, to put it simply, saving your life.

A couple of rapid knocks ring from behind you, making you jolt.

“Helloo ?” The person whispers, voice slightly muffled. “Can I please come in, I need to ummm… hide from someone!”

You stiffen. “Ah, sure…?”

The door opens ajar slightly, and you see a red blur come in and quickly close the door behind them. 

You stare absentmindedly. It’s a... child. 

Platinum blonde pigtails bouncing wildly under a red beret, they turned to face you. What an interesting eye colour. You watch crimson-red eyes comically widen as the silence stretches onward.

Suddenly, she barrels into your stomach in a blur— hugging where it hurts the most. You hold back a grunt of pain as you look down at her, confused.

Her eyes look up at you, all teary and shaky. Your heart clenches at the sight, hands hovering everywhere and nowhere. What do you do??

“Big sibling (Name), I knew you’d come back!” Her grip, although small, tightens around you.

“That’s…” You froze. “ What ?”

“Miss Lisa said you had to go somewhere and weren’t coming back! And, and, and —” She sniffled loudly, making your eyes furrow as you listened closer. “When I asked if I could follow you, she told Klee that she would never, ever get to see you… ever !”

“I… Big sib… ling?” You stammer — unable to take in anything — barely settling on resting a hand on her back. “I’m...  sorry, Klee. I don’t seem to remember a lot.”

“You don’t remember… Klee?” She looks up again with big, wide, and watery eyes.

... You don’t think you can handle another tear from her. You pat her back, racking your head as to what you can do for a crying child. 

“Uh-- But! But, maybe… you could help me?” You quickly cover for yourself, watching her red eyes light up with a new fervour. 

“Okay!” She chirps. "Klee will help Big Sibling (Name) remember everything. Then we can go fish-blasting like we did before!"

Your shoulders visibly sag in relief as you let out a quiet sigh, closing your eyes a bit. When you open them, you do so with a wonky smile that Klee happily returns with much more enthusiasm.

“Okay.”

You pause, backtracking slightly.

“What’s… fish-blasting?”

Prologue > Chapter 1 > Chapter 2

[hclymoonsblog]

Memory Arc

GN!Child of Aphrodite x Luke Castellan

Author’s note : I imagined the reader as female but could also be read as gender neutral. Listened to Memory Arc from Rivale Consoles as I wrote.

Warnings : Angst to comfort, with a bit of fluff at the end. Mentions of self-isolation, self-deprecation, nostalgia, fear of death, smoking, acne breakouts, implicit depression from the reader, Luke is insensitive but makes up for it. 

The Aphrodite cabin was awfully quiet. It had been for a while, considering all of your step-siblings had, once again, failed at the tedious task of getting you to attend the nightly campfire. 

It wasn’t their fault, really. But there was no try. Putting on a face and trying to maintain somewhat a form of social life among your peers had been the very least of your concerns. They knew it, and so did you, which is why assuring them that spending your evening listening to music, dining off a few snacks and enjoying silence was perfectly fine with you, had been enough to get them to go. The cabin residents had eventually agreed to leave you on your own, abandoning you to your chosen isolation. 

And, indeed, that’s precisely what was happening. Faint Lana Del Rey was playing in the room – Thunder, the unreleased version, to be exact. You could have recognized the song among a thousand, thanks to its distinct first notes and the familiar grain of the device it was being played on: the mp3 Luke had stolen for you about a year ago, when you first arrived at camp. 

A wave of nostalgia hit you as the boy crossed your mind. You mindlessly inspected the small, grey box, letting your manicured nails trace over the small stickers glued onto the metallic surface. He had never outwardly expressed where he got it from, nor why he chose to gift it to you, among all people. 

You remembered the moment vividly.

***

This was on your second day at camp, at breakfast. You had barely slept, plagued by distressing nightmares all revolving around the implication of being the child of a literal god — or goddess, you weren't sure. It all seemed too surreal to you, and the fact you hadn’t been claimed yet wasn’t helping with it either. Luke Castellan, for some reason, happened to be sitting right next to you at the Hermes table, which welcomed unclaimed children like you, as Mr. D had said in a way that you guessed to be willing to remind you you didn’t belong. Hopefully, that wouldn’t last for long. The thought made you frown unconsciously.

The camp counselor had observed you fiddle with your food for a while, almost thoughtfully. Without a word, he pulled a small object out of his pocket and handed it to you.

“You talk in your sleep.” He commented, giving little to no context regarding his gesture.

Your eyes went from the item, to Luke, to the item again, not moving an inch.

The lack of sleep, combined with all of the information you had to interiorise, made you glare at the box both with curiosity and suspicion, waiting for him to elaborate. Was this another unknown, mystic artefact to, magically, grant you a dreamless sleep?

He blinked, staring back at your emotionless eyes from the insomnia, and cleared his throat awkwardly.

“This, is a mp3,” He explained, gesturing to the small screen and the music note on the back of the device, maintaining the eye contact between the two of you, as if it was trying to get his point across. “You can download songs, and, y’know, listen to music with it.”

“I know what a mp3 is.” You cut him a bit defensively, your cheeks flushing a bit from the slight embarrassment. 

To punctuate your sentence, you pressed a button to switch it on, in order to let him know you actually had owned a similar thing in the past, back when things were still normal for you. Why was this guy showing you off his mp3, anyways?

“I’m sure you do.” The slight mocking tone and the faintest smirk you detected onto Luke’s lips left you questioning the whole point of the conversation. 

Conveniently, the look on your face must have told Luke everything he needed to know as he picked up the conversation. “I thought this might help you relax. Take your mind off things, and, hopefully, make you feel a bit more at home, with songs you like.” 

Your eyes softened. The slight irritation you were feeling towards him evaporated from your body. His friendly gesture had taken you aback, and in a good way. The mp3 may have been in a questionable state, the fact the boy — which was just as much of a stranger than you were to him — had tried to make you feel good, and therefore, welcomed in your new place, was touching.

“… Thank you.”

“Pleasure’s all mine.” Luke’s whole face brightened. An unfamiliar warmth spread across your chest. He ran a hand through his dark curls, looking to the side for a split second.

“How did you get that, though? I didn’t know there was a mystery Apple Store at camp.”

He shrugged. “Doesn’t matter. Let’s just say I stumbled upon it.”

***

Unexpected was the word. Nevertheless, you had truly appreciated the friendly gesture. He had been the first person to act kindly towards you ever since your arrival – at least, not in a way that felt exaggeratingly forced, unlike some other camp residents. You could say this present had sealed the beginning of your friendship. As you stared at it, it left you reflecting onto the day you first met Luke and wondering about where the two of you stood. 

Soon enough, you had no choice but to face the harsh reality of things, which led you inevitably into spiralling into your thoughts.

The two of you hadn’t had a real conversation in months. You didn’t spar together anymore, neither did you share the mp3 he had gifted you, one earbud each, to make him listen to music he claimed to hate — a supposed disdain which had never prevented him from singing, quite awfully, the lyrics along with you. 

You didn’t sit next to one another anymore, didn’t hang out anymore. All of that was quite simply gone.

You had to content yourself of occasional, fleeting from across the hall, nods of acknowledgment. 

People had noticed. They came up to you, asked you about him, probably as much as they asked him about you. 

Of course, you knew. Deep down, you knew why it all went down. 

It is an obligation for demigods to demonstrate constant, unwavering strength and courage. For all you knew, those two had never been qualities that you particularly lacked. 

But when it came to the dark haired boy, it seemed like all the traits you thought you owned came crashing down, and you were left bare, defenseless, while he could see right through your soul.

And you hated that. You thought befriending — though the verb doesn’t quite fit — the best swordsman in camp would help you get rid of the weakness Aphrodite children tend to be associated with. But, truly, it had in fact only been the opposite.

Your barriers all came undone, without fail, one after the other. Your heart only grew fonder, more passionate. And yet, one thing you learned the hard way about being a demigod, is that there is no room for weakness. 

You knew you wouldn’t be capable of balancing both courage and attachment, so the only option left was to flee, to disengage yourself from such a bond, before it was too late. 

Once you got back from your first ever quest, the one in which you almost got violently murdered by a giant scorpion and a bunch of other terrifying creatures, the one which sent you into a concerning amount of sleepless nights, you were convinced of it. 

You wouldn’t be able to bear the thought of forcing yourself through this life without him.

You had believed, foolishly, your avoidance would make things easier.

The truth is that it had only made you feel more heartachingly miserable.

Time had flown by, and despite all your efforts, Luke was still the first thing you thought of when you woke up and the last thing on your mind when you went off to sleep.

For a daughter of Aphrodite, you sure sucked at love. 

The irony of it all left a bitter taste in your mouth.

This was why listening to Lana, despite the affection you held for her, was so dangerous. It always sent you into an uncontrollable overload of emotions.

Fully intending to get rid of the sadness wave before it fully hit you, you stood up from your bed and switched off the device before carefully putting it away in a drawer.

Then, you picked up a pink hoodie, not sure what step-sibling you were borrowing it from, and carelessly put it on. 

As much as you loved the tenth cabin and its coquette aesthetic, you weren’t really feeling that coquette at the moment, which is precisely the reason why you got on your knees in order to grab the pack of Malboro’s carefully hidden under your bed. 

You were glad any of your step-siblings hadn’t picked up on the fact you were smoking, or you would not have ever stopped hearing about it. You could already hear Silena lecturing you about the effect it would have on your lungs, or worse, on your skin. 

Surely the Silena you were imagining in your head was right, though. The frequent smoking, which had been intensifying lately, could explain why you had been breaking out a bit more than usual. 

Thankfully, the perks of being part of the Aphrodite cabin always involved somebody always being kind enough to help the other with spots coverage, so it hadn’t been much of an issue to you. Ever since, you had been perfectly capable of doing it on your own.

You walked out the wooden cabin, shutting the door behind you with a barely audible creak. Immediately met with the cool air, goosebumps erupted on your skin. Maybe cotton shorts weren’t the move for such weather, after all. Too bad. You felt like you had gone through worse — you were more than capable of fighting off the not-so-warm spring evening air. 

It was dark. The moon was your only source of light, since you hadn’t thought about picking up a flashlight before leaving, but that was quite good enough already. Your legs were always bringing you to the precise spot in camp you had in mind, and as you walked, you were straying further away from the woods. 

As tall grass tickled your ankles, you silently prayed to your mother you wouldn’t stumble onto any harpy. The thought still emitted a dry chuckle from you, picturing the creature interrupting your smoking break in the middle of the night. If things went shit, you could always try to charmspeak them away. That would be, in fact, surprisingly entertaining.

Harpies rarely roamed around the beach. That was a reassuring thought to you — firstly because you weren’t too keen on the idea of fighting a monster so late at night, and secondly because that’s precisely where you were heading.

Before you knew it, the smell of salt had invaded your nostrils. The crisp touch of the sand underneath your feet made you shiver as you made your way to the shore, intending to sit down for a while — and enjoy your well-deserved cigarette. 

You put your hand down and shoved it in your pocket, instinctively expecting to get a hold of the familiar surface of your lighter. It was even more unexpected to realize there was no lighter to be found, sending your brain into a haze. The possibilities were endless. You could have either forgotten it in the cabin, accidentally dropped it into the tall grass as you were walking, or dropped it somewhere among the sand–

“Looking for something?”

You spinned around, eyes widening, looking up at the person the masculine voice belonged to.

Luke Castellan. Standing in front of you, holding the silver lighter, but not quite handing it to you. You got a weird sense of deja vu as you both scrutinized the other. 

His hair had definitely grown. The dark curls were more defined than you remembered them to be, and there was a new scar down the sight of his face. The sight made you raise a brow, and you met his eyes once again, examining them as much as the distance allowed you to. As a matter of fact, they looked pretty much the same, except for the lack of emotion. They looked weirdly bland, almost glacial, full of indifference. You weren’t used to him looking at you in such a manner.

“Thank you. I must have dropped it earlier.” You explained, trying your best to keep your voice neutral, hoping he would simply give you the object back, so you could both escape the awkward situation. You didn’t believe for a second he had accidentally found it and magically brought it to you at such a late hour of the night. You didn’t feel like confronting him about it anyways.

“I didn’t know you smoked.” Luke stated, letting his deft fingers trace over the small object. Then, he lit it, as if he were checking if it did work. Was there a slight tinge of disappointment in his voice or had you imagined it? You were unsure.

“Happens, from time to time.”

The dry chuckle your ex-friend let out only left you made you grow more confused about whatever was happening. You were left with an uneasy feeling in the chest.

“Sure. Then, I guess you haven’t bought, like, three packs from Connor in less than a week.”

“It soothes me!” You defended yourself, feeling small under his disapproving glare. “Why do you keep records of who he sells cigs to, anyways?”

“I don’t know, why don’t you try to get into meditation, or some yoga shit, detox tea, guided hypnosis from Cabin 15, or anything else, really, for all I care? Why’d you have to destroy your health for some temporary relief?” The dark-haired boy snapped back, gradually rising in temper.

“I don’t know, maybe because, unless you haven’t noticed during all the years you’ve been stuck at camp, there’s not much to cope with here?” You mirrored his voice, hastily getting up from the small pile of sand you were sitting on.

“Oh, all right then, I get it.” He threw his arms in the air as he spoke, his brown eyes flashing in anger. “You’re a little depressed, but there’s no psychiatrist available here to help you fix your issues, so you choose to ignore the hell out of me and throw your health out the window instead. Real smart choice.”

Your mouth opened in shock, and before you knew it, your vision was blurred from the tears building up in your eyes. You felt your heart twist painfully in your chest at his insensitive words, and you choked back a sob.

“Why would it matter if I fuck up my health, wether that be to me, or to you? (You had to pause to catch your breath, your chest heaving up and down from the mix of negative emotions invading your body.) “I’ll be dead in no more than ten years, maybe less— We’ll all be.” You inhaled, your voice cracking at the end of your sentence. “You know it.”

His brown eyes widened. Your two last sentences seemed to take out the anger out of his body, leaving the two of you in a heavy kind of silence. Luke’s face went from great anger to deep sadness. He took a step up, gradually lessening the distance between you two, and put his two arms on each of your shoulders. The boy knelt down, so the two of you were on eye-level. You were able to see every one of each of his features now.

“Don’t say that.” His voice was lower, and his brown eyes had considerably softened, and it’s as if you were back to when you first fell in love, about three months ago. “We can’t think of life as just an end, or we won’t live at all.”

Your eyes dropped to the sandy ground, unable to hold his gaze any longer. You hadn’t cried in so long that the sensation of the pearly tears dripping down your eyes felt almost foreign, to you. “I can’t help but think of it that way. Knowing our days are counted, threatened by the doings of the gods, is too much to bear, on most days.” You sniffled. “Makes me wonder if there’s truly a point living it all, and if it’s not better to try and lessen the pain as much as you can.” 

Luke was silent for a bit, reflecting onto what you just said, carefully picking out the words he was about to use next. “The one thing about being a demigod is that we’re fundamentally different compared to regular mortals.” He mindlessly wiped a tear off your face with his thumb. “We die young, and most of the time, terribly. This is what differentiates us significantly from mortals.”

You pursed your lips. “Is this how you think you’re gonna make me feel better?”

The dark-haired boy chuckled, a small smile etching its way on his lips. “No. Of course, it’s unfair, but what I mean is that not much mortal philosophy actually applies to us. We have to look up to those who worshipped the same gods we did. See— take Horace, and his whole Carpe Diem belief. He happened, in fact, to be quite right. We need to enjoy our days, live them to the fullest, and make the most of what we have.” He paused, looking away for a split second, before looking back up into your eyes. “You can’t just deny yourself from happiness. Not only you don’t deserve that, it’ll only make your existence as a demigod even more complicated than it already is.” Luke first hesitated before tucking a hair strand of yours behind your ear. “And, especially as a daughter of Aphrodite, you can’t deny yourself from love.” His voice was barely above a whisper now.

His words really resonated with you, for some reason. Of course, all your problems wouldn't disappear out of thin air thanks to his philosophical words, but they were all you needed to close the remaining distance between the two of you, crashing your lips against his. It was a bit bold, and indeed, it took Luke aback. He froze for a split second, but the camp counselor was quick to come to his senses. One hand went up to caress your jaw to deepen the kiss, almost desperately, and the other pulled you in his chest, a strong arm securing you against him. 

You were the first one to pull away, gasping up for air, and he begrudgingly imitated you, his dilated pupils betraying him. He let out a slight chuckle and ran a hand through his hair, trying to play it off cool.

“Didn’t expect you’d be taking my advice so soon.” The boy joked, still squeezing you against his side, practically towering over you. “I’m not complaining, though.” He hurriedly added.

“I didn’t know you’d gotten so wise. If I knew ignoring you would turn into a son of Athena, I would’ve given you silent treatment earlier.” 

Your playful words only made him press you into his side even more, until your cheeks were squished into his hard chest. It was actually quite enjoyable, except for the fact you’d probably end up suffocating and it would then ruin the romantic mood set between the two of you. “Don’t you dare. I’m not letting you go anytime soon.” He replied, a bit of a warning in his voice.  “Even if that means locking you up in the Hermes cabin and tying you down to my bed.”

That made you chuckle. It didn’t exactly sound like a bad situation to you, for numerous reasons, although you wouldn’t admit all of them out loud. Luke must have noticed the slight blush dusting your cheeks since a shit-eating grin appeared on his face. But before he could say anything about it, you spoke up. “I’m sorry. For pushing you away, for keeping you at distance. I—”

“It’s okay, I get it. I appreciate that you’re apologizing, but I’m not blaming you.” He pressed a kiss into the crown of your head, wrapping both his arms around your midsection. “I’m sorry, too, for the way I talked to you, earlier.”

“We’re good, then.”

“Never better.”

“ … ”

“ … ” 

“Does that mean I’m getting my lighter back?”

“Well-tried.”

----------------------------

© hclymoonsblog - Tumblr, 2024.

[definesanity]

Lords and Dames That Sung in The Chapels on a Sunday

There was a library in Laplace, which many borrowed books from. Likewise, there is one in the SPDM, too.

Due to circumstances, the one from the former to had to help the latter, leaving Mesmer Jr. to take the part as the librarian in Laplace.

Which also meant she had to deal with the genius herself.

Every so often, at the exact same time, she always came by. Either to borrow or return a book, and always making sure to say at least one thing to Mesmer Jr. before she left.

It made her want to tear out Vertin's throat and--

Vertin came towards the desk, holding a borrowed book. "Good day, Mesmer Jr."

"...Good day, Vertin." replied the girl who did not want any interaction with any Arcanist ever. "Returning?"

"Yes, I am," she passed over the book to the Mesmer child. "I found it quite interesting, if quite morbid."

It was, of all things, a book detailing Jack The Ripper. Insane.

Mesmer's expression did not shift, but she did look from the book to Vertin. "I did not expect you to enjoy such grotesque stories, Miss Vertin."

"I don't, really," she replied, face equally stoney. "But I found it interesting on the many factors involved with the cases in 1888 Whitechapel."

"'Factors', you say?" Mesmer Jr. replied. No one else was in the library, meaning she had to keep the conversation going. "Like what? The police dogs?"

"Indeed," Vertin nodded, which was not what Mesmer was expecting. "The Metropolitan police failed with a number of aspects; using bloodhounds was one of them."

"I hope you realise that the story isn't true."

"I know, yes; I still find it intriguing. Moreso when you consider the fact we still know not many details of Jack the Ripper."

"And why, pray tell, are you so enamoured with that madman?"

Vertin shrugged. "A current interest. And, it helps to converse with others."

"Ah, yes. Because people would love to discuss serial killers." Mesmer rolled her eyes.

"And what we are doing right now, then?"

"..." Mesmer paused. Then, placed the book back on the shelf. "Are you here to borrow another book, Miss Vertin?"

"No, just wanted to return it." Vertin gave a smile and a bow. "Good day."

She started to walk out.

After a moment, Mesmer followed after her.

"You appearing every day is a plot, isn't it?"

Vertin shook her head. "Not at all."

"You had never used the library prior to my starting there. You must have a reason behind it."

"..." Vertin looked, for once, conflicted. Eventually, she gave a short sigh. "A guilty consciousness. That is all."

"And who's fault is that, hm?" Mesmer Jr replied, her tone clipped. "Need I remind you of--?"

"Mesmer." Vertin's voice cut her off. It was quiet, but Mesmer could hear anger in it.

"Oh? Touched a nerve, did I? I'm surprised that exposed nerve hasn't healed yet, all these years later."

"Mesmer, I'm warning you." Vertin's expression was stormy, eyes narrowed.

"Now you're warning, huh? Could have saved a group of innocent children, had you warned us!" she wasn't shouting, but her voice had been raised.

"Mesmer."

"Oh, no, but you thought you had everything planned out, didn't you?! Our dear little girl, our dear little genius, a leader for a group of children!"

"Mesmer!"

"And look where we are now, Vertin:" she stared directly at Vertin, hatred in her eyes. "Us, alive. And Isabella and The Ring? De--"

SLAP.

It took both parties to register what had happened. Vertin was the first, eyes filled with fury. "THE FOUNDATION KNEW, DAMN IT!"

Mesmer Jr. placed a hand near her right cheek, feeling a stinging sensation. "What did--?"

Vertin grabbed a hold of both of Mesmer Jr.'s hands, and slammed her against the wall, staring down at her, body shaking in pure, unadulterated, anger.

"Every move we made on that day, every fight, every step, even the timing in which we defeated Lilya? All planned by Constantine."

Mesmer had never seen this side of Vertin before. Like all bubbles, you can only make it grow so much before it bursts. And in this case, it bursted violently and swiftly.

"There was no way of knowing I'd lead them to their deaths!" Vertin exclaimed, their voice now slightly hysterical from 4 years worth of repressed feelings and emotions. "And no way in knowing I'd become the Timekeeper!"

She squeezed hard on Mesmer's arms, and the girl knew it would leave rashes. "So for once, in your goddamn life, DON'T. RUSH. TO CONCLUSIONS."

With a rough sigh, she let go of Mesmer Jr's arms. And, without looking back, left.

Mesmer slid down the wall, and looked at her arms. Peeling back the sleeves, she saw red start to form.

She should be hateful. She should go and report Vertin. Heck, she can, right now.

...But then...

Why is it that she feels...

...She deserves this?

----------------

She did not often use Arcanium. But this was an exception.

She used it to stop the rashes from vanishing from her arms, and spent the next day trying to figure out what was going on.

Mesmer Jr. thought on Vertin. Not the Timekeeper, not that small, idiotic child, but Vertin.

And found that, no matter how hard she could, she could not feel any distate towards her. If she tried, all she felt would be... an empty feeling.

Vertin was just... Vertin. A girl thrust into a role she did not want.

Like herself, in some ways.

She rolled down her sleeves, and got to work.

She thought during it, too.

Arcanists were chaotic, it's in their nature.

It was Constantine who showed her that...

She stopped dead in her tracks in her room.

Was that... also apart of what happened--?

"That's a curious expression."

She turned to face the intruder, a mask set immediately. "Get out, X."

X did not listen, that smile on his lips taunting her. "You know, being a researcher, my field often overlaps with others. In this case, I can safely say I can fully understand that you're experiencing some... interesting emotions."

"..." Mesmer Jr. sighed. "No, you know what? I don't have enough energy to deal with you. Good day."

She slammed her head into the desk, and as planned, fell unconscious.

--------------------------------

She woke back up in her own bed. She could tell it was, because she was the only one to have air fresheners in her room.

Her eyes didn't have to adjust to the light, it being low in brightness, and saw a retreating figure.

One with a top hat.

"Wait." she rasped out.

Vertin stopped. Then, turned around.

"Hello, Mesmer." she said. "I... owe you an--"

"If you're going to apologise, then let me do it." she said, controlling her breathing as the headache (unexpected) began to set in. "I provoked you. It was only natural you'd respond, what with so much repressed emotions."

Vertin stayed silent, but she looked momentarily surprised. Not that Mesmer Jr. could blame her. She isn't one to be trustworthy, after everything.

"...What I'm trying to say is..." she breathed in and out, struggling to get the words out. Saying aorry is not something she often does. And for good reason. But in this case...

"...I'm... sorry, for my behaviour."

Vertin looked at her. And then, smiled. "Thank you for being honest. I also apologise, although that is for the..." she trailed off, and Mesmer rolled her eyes.

"I wouldn't have kept the rashes if I didn't want to. Whatever you did, it made me think on a number of things; the fact that I have never gotten to know Vertin was one of them."

Vertin, once more, looked quite surprised. "...If that is the case... when you have recovered, would you care to do that?"

Mesmer looked at Vertin. And, for a split second, Vertin swore she saw the lips of the girl upturn. "Provided there is coffee. It is not often that I indulge, and I want to make sure that I do not perish due to boredom during it."

Vertin gave a nod, smiling. And then left, leaving Mesmer Jr. alone once more with her thoughts.

She looked over to her bedside.

It was a music player, and it has a cassette in it. She leaned over and turned it on.

A song she did not recognise started to play. And the calmness to it, like being near a beach, lulled her into a sleep.

She did not recall the dream. But when she woke up, she found her lips in a smile.

--------------------------------------

She drank from her coffee slowly and carefully, taking time to enjoy every ounce of it.

As she said, she did not partake in it often. But if there is one thing Mesmer Jr. enjoys, it is the taste of espresso. A comfort, in a world of stupidity and nonsense...

Speaking of nonsensical, Mesmer Jr. looked at Vertin, who drank heartily from a cup of mocha.

The two sat in silence in the Suitcase. There was no one here but them.

Mesmer Jr. took the time to truly study Vertin. Her face was a healthy flush, and Mesmer could smell remains of soap and deodorant on her.

"For the record, pineapple does not suit you." Mesmer Jr. commented.

"It was the only one I had at that current moment." Vertin replied.

The two, once again, went into silence. It felt... strange. One was meant to hate the other and, yet, that very same person who sat there did, in fact, not hate the other one.

Hatred is an emotion that is something Mesmer feels often, mostly towards those in the ward. And, yet, she felt none towards Vertin.

And it annoys her greatly.

"If you don't mind me asking..." Vertin spoke up. "You have heard quite a bit about me, either thorough Laplace or the Foundation; so, would you like to share anything about yourself?"

"Not particularly," Mezmer Jr. immediately replied. "...But, since you are insisting, there was this one event I can remember from my childhood.

"When I was younger, I just so happened to write down my thoughts or any passing interests on pieces of paper. This came to bite me as, one day, my father noticed them and brought me downstairs.

"'Jane, Jane!' he yelled, waving the piece of paper in his hand. 'Look at how intelligent our daughter is! It is certainly a strange way of seeing the world, but one oh so interesting!'"

Mesmer Jr. looked deeply unimpressed. "My mother took the paper, gave it a quick glance, looked at my father, and said: 'James. These are the lyrics to Bohemian Rhapsody."

A small but noticeable snort came from Vertin upon hearing this.

"After that, I can't remember any more, because I was sent to the SPDM." she gave another sip of her coffee. "By the way, having all that sugar could lead to a heart attack."

Vertin immediately put the cube of sugar she had in her hand down. "And you?"

Mesmer Jr. took another sip. "I will be fine. I measured the exact amount I needed and used it."

"I've always noticed that you recall the times of ceratin things; it's rare to meet someone with a photographic memory."

"Well, congratulations to you." Mesmer Jr. remarked, and finished her drink. "..."

She looked away. And then, back. "...Thank you for the coffee, Vertin."

"My pleasure," Vertin smiled. And then stood up. "And, before you go..."

She passed a gift box to her. "Here. Sorry if it's nothing special."

Mesmer Jr. gave a non-committal hum and left the room.

She arrived back at her own in the Suitcase, and opened the box.

It was a plant. A very distinctive one, too.

Lycoris radiata. The red spider lily.

She could have simply returned it. And left it be. A memory.

Instead, she held it gently, and stared.

And stared.

And stared.

And, then, as the stared, she noted a feeling inside of her stomach.

A flutter, as she stared at the gift in her hands.

Maybe...

---------------

They met again and again, over the course of three weeks.

During that time, Medicine Pocket was seen entering Mesmer Jr.'s room and later seen leaving via running out, their right hand broken. Both parties deny that Mesmer Jr. had any influence.

During it, both also thought more on each other.

Vertin saw Mesmer Jr. as an enigma, one that had many mysteries, and Vertin was curious about each and every one of them.

She was a girl that had so many things go wrong for her, and no one was there to help pick up the pieces. During that short time, Vertin felt as if she had gotten to know someone she both knew, and did not know both at the same time.

She... loved Mesmer Jr. And she knew that Mesmer would never return it.

To Mesmer Jr., she saw Vertin much like the flower she was given. Mesmer Jr. knew both of their hands were dirty with many deeds, but Mesmer Jr. learnt something during these interactions:

That fluttering was caused by intense emotional responses. In layman's terms, she... loved Vertin.

And that scared her, more than it did disgust her.

She did not want to become the one Vertin loved, as Mesmer did not want anything bad to happen to her.

Mesmer was afraid. Afraid and, she can admit to herself, cowardly.

And, yet...

That gentle embrace gave both new worries and made old ones vanish.

"Mesmer..."

The two stood in silence. A gentle one, once more.

And, very slowly, Mesmer held Vertin, too.

"...Jane."

"Hm?" Vertin looked at Mesmer, who looked back.

"When it is merely you and I, call me by my first name."

Vertin nodded. And smiled to herself.

Jane Mesmer Jr. What a beautiful name.

------------------------------------------

The door opened, and Vertin looked up. "Hello, Jane."

"Don't." Mesmer said, sitting down on her bed. "I know that I said I wanted to try and talk to other Arcanists, why did you stick me with Regulus?"

"She was the only one available."

"..." Mesmer sat in silence. Then, looked up. "My term as the temporary librarian has come to a close. I was informed on my way back five minutes and thirty-one seconds ago."

"Shame," Vertin said. "I... enjoyed you being there."

"You only did to come and see me. And, besides, Jack the Ripper?"

"It was the only book I saw at the time," Vertin tried to defend herself.

Still, Mesmer looked at her. And then, sighed. "I suppose... as far as Arcanists go, anyways... you..."

"..."

"...'

Mesmer looked at Vertin, a very small, but still there, smile on her face. "You are... alright, I suppose."

[fiveredlights]

Okay I need to know things from literally ALL of the wip’s 😂

But I guess the ones that intrigue me the most are the post AUS2024 fic, the alternate Vegas 2023 story and the lmao daniel retirement fic!!

But like I said, I want to know all things lol! You are like one of my favourite authors ❤️

P.S. please feel no pressure to update, write or anything. Take your time

beth you ask and i will dutifully answer, gonna put everything under the cut because this is a long post 🫡

snippets: ausgp 2024/you're on another path

so fun fact about this one i wrote it post quali, and i had planned to post it after the race was done so i a "pre-wrote" two endings. i wasn't going to because i was gonna be like "oh max will win but something bad might happen to daniel" so i had this ready to go:

and i was sitting in the grandstand watching max's car explode in the pitlane and all i could think about was "did i do this. again" and honestly who knows.

Daniel’s already lying down face first on the bed when Max makes it back to their hotel room. He’s been doing it a lot recently after races, opening the door to their hotel room and just starfishing on the bed, unmoving until Max gently coaxes him to actually sleep. 

God, if his twenty-something year old self could see him now. 

Yeah, you’re back at the team you started with—no not HRT, that’s gone now, yes the Red Bull—not junior—sister team. The Red Bull seat? Yeah, not yours anymore, and it’s looking like it’s gonna stay that way. No, no podium at your home race, more like qualifying P18 because you were an idiot and drove over track limits. Points? Well, you had a good chance but I guess luck just wasn’t on your side yet again. 

Oh, and that young and upcoming driver from the Netherlands? Yeah, he’s your boyfriend now—surprise, you’re gay! And he’s a three time world champion, but that’s probably not important. 

Any one of those things would’ve sent Daniel into hospital, but all of those things combined? 

Early death. 

snippets: las vegas 2025/bonus fic reimagined

(i'm going to assume you mean las vegas 2025 and i'll give you both)

Max isn’t winning right now. 

He couldn’t really tell you why. 

Plenty of pundits, fans, strangers on the street have stopped him and asked him to dissect why he hasn’t won a championship in the past two years. He gives them a hastily PR trained and approved answer that seems to be more conscious in his mind now than before and cracks a well timed joke he’s sure his teammate would be proud of. 

Then Daniel comes along and will say, “Max already has three, he’s got to leave some for the rest of us!”, and the conversation will usually move on quickly after that. 

He knows that Daniel isn’t the sole reason for his non-winning ways right now, but when the eventual news of their relationship happens to drop, there’ll be dissections for days on if Daniel plays a part in Max’s performance right now. 

The last time Max hadn’t won a championship was when Daniel Ricciardo was with Red Bull, surely there’s some connection there?

snippets: las vegas 2025/don't read the last page

(Max is italics, Daniel is not.)

Max 🩵

July 31, 2025

...

I may have accidentally 

I swear it was an accident 

Like I pinky promise swear to our first born child

Don’t bring Matilda into this

Did you murder someone

What

Why is that your first thing

You are making a big deal out of it

Like bigger than the podcast you did in January

So I have to assume you murdered someone

Okay well it’s not murder but nice to know you think I’m capable of it

Daniel

I forgot to take off my wedding ring and wore it in the paddock and people saw and I got asked about in the press conference 

They definitely thought I was just engaged so I guess that’s just a silver lining

And you have a bet with Lando over when I was going to accidentally do this

Which is rude because I would never do the same to you Maxy

You literally have a bet with Fernando over if I’m going to slip up and say husband in an interview

How do you know that

And he’s Fernando you know you can’t say no to him

Daniel

When you came out you literally posted a photo of me on your Instagram

The whole paddock knows we are married

Half of them went to our wedding

About 85% of fans think we are in a relationship because you keep on teasing them with photos that is definitely me

Is it so bad that we just say yeah we’re married

We are literally about to have a kid

Okay well when you put it like that

I guess you’re right 

I know

I’m always right

snippets: lmao daniel retirement

They asked him if he wanted a big farewell thing, like they had done with Sebastian and Kimi a couple years back. 

He’d almost said no until Lando pulled a face and said “Mate, people’s last memory of you driving can’t be you heading to the pitlane again.” 

So he agreed. Told Blake to tell them to keep it minimal. No standing on giant mockups of his face during the national anthem or whatever. 

[novankenn]

Broken Slumber (1/?)

/==/

A mare is a malicious entity that walks on people's chests while they sleep, bringing on nightmares. (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mare_(folklore))

(A/N - As I looked further into it Nightmares, which are also known as Mare or Mora. These are all beings that cause bad dreams, and sleep paralysis while draining the lifeforce/vitality of their victims. So this story will cover a generalization of all those entities.)

/==/

Jaune was exhausted. The trip to Vale had been more arduous that he had expected. Yet, it had been necessary. It was an act of rebellion against the gilded cage his family subjected him to. While his sisters adored and doted upon him... his parents were another matter. It had been in his fifteenth year that his... nature had been revealed to him.

The reason behind him having to sleep in a well lite room. The reason why his favorite tree with the knotted and entwined branches, that loved to climb into was cut down. He and his twin had suffered VTS, or Vanishing Twin Syndrome. He had a potential brother or sister that had died in his mother's womb, and had been reabsorbed by him.

It was a rather macabre and frank talk with his parents, but that was not the end of the conversation. Jaune's mother Jasmine was a believer in the old stories. Often decorating the home with talismans designed to repel malevolent entities. In fact Jaune's room was cluttered with the homemade things.

Jasmine informed her only son that he had been born cursed circumstances. That was a statement Jaune had found very odd, but she had continued, much to jaune's and his father, Nicholas' displeasure. Jasmine explained that under normal conditions such a curse would have twisted Jaune into a werewolf. That was an idea that jaune found completely laughable. Werewolves, vampires, ghosts! Those were all fiction!

Jasmine undeterred, by her only son's lack of belief, continued...

"The death of your twin has cursed you in another way." Jasmine explained. "Unlike most males, for some reason you now to the spirit realms are seen as a female."

"Bullshit!" Jaune yelled at his mom. "That's utter fucking bullshit!"

"Jaune, don't speak to your mother like that!" admonished his father.

"You don't believe this crap do you dada?" Jaune asked. "Spirits, ghosts! I could have been a werewolf?"

"Jaune, whether I believe or not, is not the point."

"Really? REALLY?" Jaune yelled.

"Strange things happen around you and with you Jaune." Nicholas informed his son. "Things that can not be explained."

"Is that why I have to sleep with the lights on? Why I have all this junk hanging around my room? you know how embarrassing it is to have a potential friend over and them to see this shit!"

"Jaune, you need to listen and be on guard. You are not responsible for the circumstances of your birth, BUT they are affecting you!" Jasmine pleaded with her son, trying to get him to understand, or at least listen.

Jaune scoffed and before his parents could stop him he stormed off. Disappearing into the vast family home, and eventually sneaking out and into the barn. It was out there hidden from his family, he spent a restless night, and made his plan. He was going to leave. Make his way to Vale and out from under his family's unrelenting observations.

"It took three years, but I did it." Jaune commented to himself, as he secured himself a cheap motel room. Jaune felt somewhat guilty to run as he did, but he also felt vindicated, and finally free.

The trip to Vale had been twisted, convoluted, and took much longer that he had originally anticipated. Though it had worked in his favor, or at least he assumed it did. But he was also nagged by the... occurrences that followed him during the whole trip. Animals being wary of him. Some of his travelling companions waking up utterly drained and listless. Whispers of bad dreams, and nightmare afflicting those around him.

But he pushed those thoughts from his mind. They were just... coincidences. Nothing more. The drivel his mother believed in was pure fantasy. Nothing more. Taking a deep breath he sat down the bed nearest the door of his cheap room. He needed a plan. His meager savings wouldn't last forever, he need a way to support himself.

"There's not much I can do, but look for a job." Jaune mumbled to himself, and then sighed, as he realized that he wouldn't have many options for work. With his age and lack of formal education in any of the career paths that would best allow him to support himself.

Rising from the bed, he left his room. He would need a couple of things before starting his job search. A newspaper, and a new sim-card for his scroll. The scroll that he hadn't used in weeks, out of paranoia that his family would try and trace it.

An hour or so later, Jaune returned to his pitiful lodgings. A rolled up paper under his arm, and his freshly reactivated scroll in his hands. Prior to swapping the sims, he did text his mother. Letting her know he was safe, and guiltily informing her, that he was in Vale. He couldn't help adding that. As much as his mother's beliefs b othered him, she still loved him, and deserved to know why he was safe.

Before they could send a reply, he swapped the cards, and activated his new number. He still had their contacts, and would reach out to them again once he proved he could take care of himself, and that their worries were unfounded. Sitting down on the edge of the bed nearest the door, Jaune began his search for employment.

As Jaune was beginning his employment search, a small meeting was being held at Beacon, in the headmaster's office.

"So with the particulars of applicants and the format of this initiation settled, let's move on to other business." Ozpin informed Glynda, his Deputy Headmistress. "I understand we have a few staff positions to fill?"

"We do." Glynda replied. "The maintenance staff would like some additional staff. Preferably apprentices. As well Mrs. Primrose has requested some assistance with the library."

"Let's reach out to the trade schools, about the apprentices, as for the library... did she have any specific requirements for the position?"

"Just that they should be energetic, driven and love to read." Glynda replied, "She feels that someone interested in literature and books would be an overall better asset."

"Okay, then let's issue a general request for applications. She can help with the screening process."

"Should we specify and closing date?"

"A week?"

"That should be sufficient." Glynda answered. "I'll draft an advertisement and have Mrs. Primrose review it prior to posting it publicly."

"Alright. If there is nothing else, I would say we're done for the day."

While the meeting at Beacon was wrapping up, Jaune tired from scanning job postings, and want ads, tossed the paper and his scroll onto the second bed, before laying down and getting comfortable. He was tired, and wanted to have a bit of a rest, before getting something to eat.

Jaune's eyes closed, and his breathing grew relaxed and steady. Sleep had overtaken him. Time slowly ticked by, and as Jaune's slumber deepened, a slight misty form arose from him. It floated away from the bed, solidifying slightly, but still very much misty in overall composition.

The apparition moved further from the bed, and Jaune's sleeping form, it's featured solidifying further, until to an casual observer a more feminine version of the resting young man was standing at the window of the cheap apartment. It paused there, as if silently consider some choice, before floating forward and vanishing through the wall.

/==> Jaune's of the Monster-Verse Collection <==\

[shootingscar]

The last summer dairies

To my someone :

I don't know about happily ever after, cause I feel we're not meant for 'forever', we part and we live life on our own and might never get to see eachother or even if we do we may be too grown-up or too hesitant/awkward to start a conversation like we do now.. who knows? Who knows what future has in store for us..

Eventually everything ends like it meant to be, not everything can stay with us for an eternity, not even our own flesh and blood. Then why shall I dwell on the possible loss or departure in future, instead of cherishing the moment cause it won't last long, why shall I fear all the what if's and destroy what's happening?

So for the every moment that I've spent with you, I've learnt to cherish it, I've learnt to cherish our time together. It's like a part of you, part of us - a memory - that I'd carry with me till my last breath, even if we're together or just somewhere far away.

I realised I don't wanna name 'us'. I feel we're beyond every bond, every relationship tag that we humans invented. I believe, to love someone doesn't require any tags, all it requires is a heart full of love. To name us or to tag us, is to limit us, to limit our love only to the tag that describe us. If I tag someone as a friend or family I can only love them as such, nothing more. And I feel I love you limitless, tho platonic it has no limits I guess, so I don't wanna tag us and hope you never ask for one, it might sound silly or look like a messed up situation ship, but trust me I just love you, like a person who love another person without any reason, without any tags.

Sometimes I feel like we're romantic in a way, like damn I flirt with you more than I possibly could with my future someone, and we're definitely the friendliest cause we are, we're what not?? We're everything! So baby why limit us with a tag? Why limit our love?!

After all I've said and wrote for you, if you still question your position or the priority I give to you in my life, you're as dumb as a rock! I said what i said.

No tag means no importance?? Just cause I said you're more than a friend but couldn't say what you exactly are meant you mean nothing to me?? You think! When I wanted tagless and limitless love for us, you - unaware and insecure of your role - asked me to limit us?! I understand your inner turmoil but bruh you're dumb sorry!

I may have many people in my life with different tags and different priorities,some might even meant more than you but that doesn't mean you're any less, you remain the same, you remain as the same tag less, strong, pure and silly bond I've got. You're not this, not that, you're everything. Not romantic nor platonic, just soulful.

Remember even if I got hit by a huge, like very huge truck (if!!) And got diagnosed with amnesia, then remember that it's the body, the mind that is effected not my heart or soul. I might forget about your existence, the bodily materialistic existence, but your love remains the same. I might still feel the tears forming in my eyes when I see you in the hospital ward who came to check on me after the incident, I might struggle to remember you but my heart already dwells up and squeezes out the love in form of tears off my eyes, a heavy unknown yet familiar lump forms in my throat cutting the oxygen supply, all cause my heart still loves you while my mind forgot about your existence.

That is how pure our bond is..

That is how pure my love is..

I loved you, neat and clean..

Soulfully and heartfelt..

and will ever do! 𖹭

Tags : #the last summer dairies

Author's note : Idk why half my summer dairies were filled with the love letters I wrote to my bestie (ik I said no tags but it's as in the love, it's beyond the love I show for any friend, while l call her ma or momma, I still describe her as my bestie to the world) but trust me there's other stuff too.. right?!

[property-of-tojifushiguro]

You climbed out of the cab into the cold night air, slightly regretting the dress you were wearing. You paid for your ride and then walked towards the door of The Last Drop. You walked in and made your way through the bar until you got to the counter, sitting down on one of the open stools. The bartender immediately noticed you and walked over.

“You look absolutely stunning. Now, what can I get for you tonight, love?”

You blushed. As much as Vander complimented you, you were never able to get used to it. But you did feel rather pretty tonight, so you didn’t try and fight him.

“Uh, just a raspberry cosmopolitan, please.”

“Of course, love.”

You watched as your boyfriend made your drink. You still weren’t sure how you had managed to start dating him. As far as you were concerned, he was way out of your league.

“Here you go, dear.”

You blushed again.

“Thank you.”

Unfortunately for you, it was a rather busy night. You sat there, sipping your drink and waiting for an opportunity to talk to your busy boyfriend, but any conversation you got to have was short lived as there was always someone who wanted to order a drink. There wasn’t really any reason for you to be here. You could have just come to see him when he was done with work. However, you had had a long, hard day and wanted to relax with a few drinks.

You were still on drink number one when a fairly attractive man walked up to you and tried to start up a conversation, even offering to buy your next drink. You tried to politely decline, making it clear that you weren’t interested, but the man seemed to refuse to leave you alone. Unfortunately, at the moment, Vander was busy mixing drinks, so you were on your own for the time being.

The man continued to try and make conversation, and you continued to give brief answers to any questions asked, trying to make your disinterest clear.

This continued for another five or ten minutes, you weren’t really sure, but the man started to get bolder and decided to turn your head to face him and try to rest a hand on your waist. The same moment you felt his hand touch your waist, you heard something slam into the counter behind the bar. Your head whipped to the side, and you saw a clearly angry yet eerily calm Vander standing there, staring down the guy who now looked absolutely terrified.

“I suggest you keep your hands to yourself.”

His hands shot to his side, and he took a few steps back.

“Uh, sorry man. I didn’t realize she was taken.”

And with that, he scurried away to wherever he had come from.

“I’m sorry about that, love.”

“Sorry, I should have been able to handle that…”

“Nah, that’s why you have me.”

Your conversation was once again cut short as someone was waving him over to make them a drink.

The night continued on, and by the time the bar was closing, you had made it through nine drinks (due to Vander forgetting to keep count). Needless to say, you were wasted.

Everyone was gone now, and Vander was finishing closing everything up while you laid your head on the bar, spacing out.

Eventually, Vander finished up with his tasks and came over to get you before leaving.

He tapped your shoulder, and you raised your head and looked at him before breaking out into a goofy smile. You pointed a finger at him.

“Boyfriend!”

“Yes, darling. Let's go home now, alright?”

“Okayyyyy.”

You stood up and wobbled a bit before you stumbled into Vander. He laughed at your behaviour and scooped you up in his arms before walking out of the bar and locking up. You laid your head on his chest as he carried you to his apparent that was in the building next door to the bar. You were watching the world as it moved past you and listened to your boyfriend's heartbeat. By the time he had reached his door, you were asleep.

He opened the door, careful not to wake you, and carried you inside. He took you into his bedroom and laid you gently on his bed. From there, he slipped off your heels as well as your dress and pulled the covers over you.

He watched you for a moment before getting ready for bed himself. You looked so beautiful, even when you were drunk and asleep. God, he was glad you were his.

Join the tag list

[mamaito]

[Housamo] Tezcatlipoca's Date Quest

On this very night, the lights shone brightly against the ground as the person in question revels in utter luxury on this special occassion.

Ito received an invitation into one of the highest ranking restaurant in all of tokyo, located at the very first floor of a building.

And in this nightscape is Tezcatlipoca, who's figure could be seen in the window, gazing. Immediately he notices Ito's reflection through the glass.

[(His chibi self caught the sight of me through the mirror.)]* [(His now artificial body catches the sight of me through the mirror.)]* *(He brings whichever body you chose to the date. If you picked chibi then throughout the date he will be small lol)

Retreating your gaze away when both of your line of sight locked with one another, you looked once more, only to see that Tezcatlipoca meeting yours again.

Whatever the reason was for feeling strange when gazed at so fondly, one cannot help but feel giddy at the sight of laughter.

-- It has been awhile since you've been summoned to this tokyo, encountering many friends along the way.

However, there was one person in particular that has taken a surmount of Tezcatlipoca's life. Giving special attention to this person's existence in return--

From the many battles they have fought and overcame, came were laughers and tears shed together-- Eventually, the distance between them came closing in, resulting in them becoming more acquainted with one another.

But, what to make of these two's so called relationship remains to be seen. And so they decided to make their intentions clear this time.

Now-- It is just Tezcatlipoca and his companion who have decided to come out and play.

[Tezcatlipoca] "Hahah, such excellent scenery, does it not? Makes one want to run off and carry it with them into the darkness--"

"Besides, as if one can resist this very night when the nightlights are shining so brightly. Tell me, would you consider running off into the night with me..?"

["I'd love to go with you."] ["That's what you'd normally would do."] [Answer vaguely.]

[Tezcatlipoca] "Heheh, Hahah! I see, I see. If that's the answer you've given me then there's no reason for me not to believe you."

"Regardless, this invitation I've given isn't just for us to go out and play. Surely you've taken interest in what're my plans in bringing you to this restaurant."

"That is all I will have to say for now, that alone is not why I chose this place. The chef's skill from this establishment is one of the best of the best so be reassured."

Tezcatlipoca did his usual hearty laugh and the line of his mouth pulls off another kind smile.

Moments later, his line of sight was then fixed onto Ito, peering through with such intensity of wanting nothing more but for their eyes to reconnect again.

[(It's embarrassing to be stared at so much like that.)] [(.. Something's off about him today.)] [(.. No matter where I look, he is rather good looking.)]

[Tezcatlipoca] "… You were thinking of something in regards to me, weren't you? I wish nothing more but to return the favor and fulfill your requests."

"I wonder what other absurdities you'll be showing me from now on, that's what I love about you, after all."

As the two converse, a group of staff came with a silver dish, opening it to reveal a rather delicious cuisine.

Each ingredient was explained to you in detail till Tezcatlipoca cuts them off and giving a sharp thank you--

Their face goes red and vigorously bows down apologetically at the two of you, quickly returning back to their position.

[(Stare at Tezcatlipoca.)] [(Intimidate the staff.)] [(Be the calm one.)]

[Tezcatlipoca] "Hmm? What's with that look, I haven't even done anything yet, was I not suppose to do that?"

"But that look ain't that bad.. Not bad at all, hahah! Even the emotions surging through those eyes of yours, hahah."

He was expecting something when he said that to Ito, wondering just what sort of reaction he'll be able to see next.

Making use of the catering utensils in an elegant manner, you brought the meal into your mouth in small bits and began chewing whilst he watches, quietly gazing at your face.

[Tezcatlipoca] "What my eyes have seen is nothing but fulfilling joy. It has been a long time since I've felt it, but this time it has changed to a rather wonderful ability."

"Just look at this, me, simply watching you eat. It was served just at the right time but I feel it is still too early, shall I explain myself?"

[(Say "Isn't this what you usually do?" but in truth you know it isn't.)] [(Look on as you eat.)]

[Tezcatlipoca] "Heheheh, good, isn't it? I can see your expression plastered on that face of yours."

"In regards for tonight's fee, I've went and asked for a favor in today's food preparation for your sake."

"I know nothing in regards to the cypress and taste buds, I thought you'd be glad to know the details of it, I've entrusted everything--"

"I was the one who planned all of it and let the staff experts execute it. The chef was rather reluctant but I won eventually."

Before Tezcatlipoca and Ito could continue eating, they timed each other and conspired till their dinner was over.

The staff workers for some time have already emptied out the table to lessen the pile in accordance for the next batch--

Following the same actions as they managed all the cuisines and start to exposition just as briefly. A sudden warm sensation is placed on Ito's leg.

Ito is pulled further to Tezcatlipoca as his tail entwines itself onto her leg, and a devilish smile hangs onto his visage.

[Tezcatlipoca] "Thank you for the exposition. Yes, this was the dish that we've been waiting for.."

He calls out to the staff with his usual intimidating expression, grabbing a set of utensils and starts to eat.

[(I'm so embarrassed.)] [(Caress the tail.)] [(Start eating with no reaction.)]

[Tezcatlipoca] "I see, would you look at that, you have the guts after all! Don't tell me, this is payback for that tail of mine you've been aware of!"

"Heheh, it makes me happy to know your eagerness. Just so you know I don't intend to lose."

He pries the utensil from Ito's hand and slides his hand into hers, their hands differing in size made painfully obvious as fingers are wedged in each finger and clasped on tightly.

The act eventually ends as you were made aware of the surrounding staff members averting their gazes at the two of you after that affectionate display.

[Tezcatlipoca] "Oh my, what's wrong, you suddenly surprised me. Were you aware of the escalating nature pounding in my chest?"

"Relax, I've already lent my heart to you, I'm not the least worried about anything else, though, I should've spoken to you beforehand."

"Heheheh, not just in war but in dates, too! No matter what I prepare, you always find a way to crack it open!"

[(Provoke him.)] [(Decide not to be escorted back home.)] [(Keep eating.)]

Tezcatlipoca scoots closer, his mouth drawing in and landing onto the back of Ito's palm for a kiss before setting it down.

[Tezcatlipoca] "I fully intend to behave as much as possible but it's just as I thought, I just can't bring my very nature to match yours."

"You're the same as I. This kind of provocation is like a dream, at this point we might as well continue this dinner back home!"

As if they knew beforehand, the staff picked up their pace with the plates with no further interruptions.

Tezcatlipoca ordered for a one on one full course set in his quest for a reaction out of you--

To think that someone like Tezcatlipoca would seek such a simple praise, for it would be enough to have him be utterly delighted.

At long last, the full course date is coming to it's near end with a desert.

The fine details carved into this cuisine was regaled in earnest, presented in writing also, and yet there is a black fog emitting from somewhere--

Suddenly the entire room was engulfed by a blackout and the staff then began climbing on stage to position themselves.

In the midst of darkness, you could tell where this was all heading to as a large cake appeared before you.

[Tezcatlipoca] "Heheheheh! Were you surprised? Today's the day where we celebrate, it is a special cake for our anniversary!"

[(Ask what the two of you are celebrating about.)] [(By any chance, is this…)] [(This a proposal.)]

[Tezcatlipoca] "Is it not obvious? It is about you and I, it is a celebration for the two of us spending the rest of our lives together henceforth."

"Now, come and cut the cake with me or do you wish to cut the thread instead?"

[(Cut the cake together with the knife.)] [(Be sad that it wasn't a proposal.)]

The two go hand in hand, squeezing against each other tightly.

[Tezcatlipoca] "Isn't this what they call a [Joint Collaboration], this is my first time doing something together with someone. Hahah, I understand it now, it's such an exhilarating feeling!"

"I'm afraid we'll have to wrap this session for on our way back home, though that doesn't mean we can't later on."

"I can't possibly appreciate this cake all by myself now, can I? If only I could rewind the time spent with you, I'd do it right away!"

[(Hold the food in your mouth.)] [(Take some cream and eat it.)] [(Have a taste.)]

[Tezcatlipoca] "How do I put this, it has been rather adequate so far, but did it peak your interest?"

"Ah.. But it's sad. This moment of bliss just goes by in a blink of an eye."

"But I'll remember it forever, seeing your face in the flesh even if just for a moment."

Within the contents of the coffee cup, was the reflection of his face peering back into Tezcatlipoca.

There is something strong emitting from it but only for a short moment that entered his system.

[Tezcatlipoca] "It's unusual for me to be this quite calm, I've become used to having war and battles in my life but--"

"It's honestly such a strange feeling… I've become calm that my own smoke has departed by itself--"

"… Ito. Come with me just for a short minute, I wish to walk alongside you just like this."

It was vague.. Whatever Tezcatlipoca wanted to talk about outside where no one would get to hear.

[Tezcatlipoca] "I figured this would be good to pass time while walking with one another but… Please."

[(Say you want to go with him.)] [(Make a sad face.)] [(Show that you're pleased with the current events.)]

Tezcatlipoca looked please with what Ito said--

But that was all that's been exchanged with one another, and just like that, the relative silence took over.

In the end, the strange conversation that occurred turned sparse and the two cups were then emptied--

After making arrangements in advance to the restaurant, the bill was then paid--

Ito wanted to speak about the overall payment, the staff that was left behind in the establishment, but decided to do it later.

[Tezcatlipoca] "It is too late to go and meet them again, I'll tell them later, for now let us go home."

".. I cannot simply let you haggard yourself. But will you still accompany me?"

["You don't want to go home yet."] ["It is as you say, there is a long night ahead of us."] ["What did you want to talk about suddenly.."]

Tezcatlipoca's gave a troubled expression and sagged his shoulders after hearing your calm voice.

[Tezcatlipoca] "I do not want this to be our final farewell to one another, I- I still wish to see you again…"

Those words uttered out loud, just what reaction should be most appropriate for such words you wonder-

["You should've said so from the start."] [(Chew him out for not growing a backbone.)] ["I've been preparing myself long ago."]

[Tezcatlipoca] "I'll come out and say it, Ito. I have nothing of value to offer back to you."

"Today's dinner date was a gift, for me and me only. It was for my sake that I did it."

"For compensation, I wanted you to hand me your feelings. That's what I've been thinking."

"As you've already know that I cannot feel anything anymore. You were something irreplaceable to me that I wanted to offer something that's equivalently worthy of what you meant to me."

His heart grieves, and yet his words were the only thing he could offer in the end. Tezcatlipoca one by one assembled it in order.

[Tezcatlipoca] "I'm sure you already have another-- Someone that you hold up in high regard. Someone who's more worthy to be yours."

"I am already empty, I cannot fully become yours."

"Even if I were to say it to you, and the two of us did return each other's affection, we would have nowhere to go."

["Stop fucking around and trying to make me cry."] [(Get mad.)] [(Laugh back at him.)]

["It's too late for that."] ["Only I get to do that and only I get to decide when."] ["I'm not letting you go anymore."]

[Tezcatlipoca] "… You're always surprising me by how passionate you always seem to be in my eyes. I.. Just how do you want me to respond back?"

["Say less--"] ["Don't say anything else--"] ["I have nothing to give you either, so--"]

["You can have me all to yourself back at home."]* *(YO!!!!)

Ito, having said that, something unraveled within Tezcatlipoca's eyes, his tail flickering.

Knowing that there wasn't much requirement to accomplish brought immense relief that in spite of his hollow body, that somewhere within it was recognized back.

[Tezcatlipoca] "Ito, my sun, you really are something else-- To think I am to be dazzled by your radiance."

"Now the sun is mine and mine alone. Now that you've permitted me to do such an act, I ask that you to extend me your hand--"

"You have already granted my wish, now it is my turn."

Tezcatlipoca's smile resurfaced, the genuine joy showing through--

As if he was preparing himself, he then turns to face Ito.

[Tezcatlipoca] "Heh… Forgive me. I'm lending you my heart from now on. You're the only one who I hold up in such high esteem."

"This new cold smoke that appears to be seeping through, has been carried off by the wind."

"-- However, that is simply because of this. Let this be known to the whole Tokyo, that I, have offered my love to you."

"If you were to say it back to me, that you'll love me back… I can guarantee you that after this, I'll never tire of pledging my affections for you--"

Tezcatlipoca looked directly at Ito's eyes, making sure that their gaze are affixed between each other, then knelt down on one knee and proposed.

[Tezcatlipoca] "This has been plaguing my mind long now. Back when I was sure that you were irreplaceable and worth devoting myself to--"

Usually, everything would go back as it were but Tezcatlipoca wore a rather gentle look this time and held your hand.

[Tezcatlipoca] "-- No, that's wrong. Could it be perhaps I was in love again, hence why you were irreplaceable to me?"* *(This line is probably not protagonist centric hence why I wrote 'again' and not 'still'.)

"Whatever the case may be, there is only one match for me in this world and I would have it no other way that you would be the one bestowed to me."

As affectionate words were uttered for Ito only, Tezcatlipoca found it natural that they should go somewhere--

[Tezcatlipoca] "There's also something else I'm interested in. As you are my one and only, This is a perfect opportunity--"

"As always, I wonder what's that face you're making. Are you suggesting that you're about to cry for joy, or is it something else…"

"Such wasted opportunity, but I needed to make sure. Could you say it one more time..?"

["Hold my hand, Tezcatlipoca."] ["I do."] [(Laugh.)]

Once he heard those words, Tezcatlipoca flashed a sly smile and embraced Ito tightly.

[Tezcatlipoca] "Like a butterfly stuck on spider's web, you're going back on your word after all that.. Pfft, Hahahah!"* *(You tried to run away from him lol)

[(Hold him back.)] [(Back track on that wish.)] [(Return back to when you couldn't tell which one of you was prey.)]

With that, the two went to a hotel and entered a suite room that Tezcatlipoca resides in, pledging to one another the entire night.

The night sky burying itself onto the glass ceiling-- As if it was drawing up close.

The morning rouse and curtains were opened. The two figures reflecting through the glass window revealed their figures close to one another where they leaned shoulder to shouler.

As though foretold, a magnificent horizon awaits them and their story will begin onto the new day.

[END]

[butchviking]

could you elaborate on your idea of treating dysphoria with therapy. i guess you don't have it figured out yet because if you did you would've already therapied the dysphoria out of yourself. but like. what are your ideas? where do you think dysphoria comes from? how could one fix it with therapy? conversion therapy gets a bad rep, how different or similar is your idea of fixing dysphoria with therapy from the spooky idea people have of conversion therapy? anything else you want add

oh i sure the fuck don't have it figured out. i have no kind of education or training or qualifications in anything like that i am just another dysphoric dyke on the internet. i just wish anyone who IS in that field seemed 2 b listening lol

so im not aware of any standardised therapy to target dysphoria in any way, but ive known & heard from soooo many detrans/desisted/reidentified/etc women that therapy has either hugely helped w their dysphoria or in some cases they've been able to eliminate it entirely. a lot of the time ppl talk like dysphoria is smthn that is just ingrained into you as a person, something you're born with and something that - unless u transition - u will eventually die with. but that's not true! there are often very real causes that can be found out and dealt with. fr example a lot of women have identified the main cause of their dysphoria to be childhood trauma, often abuse and very often sexual abuse (it doesn't take a genius to figure out why this would lead to someone hating/resenting/feeling wrong in/being disgusted by their body. doesn't take a genius to figure out why they'd want to be male instead.) and i mean. listen talking with a group of women anyway there's usually a lot of trauma. but talking with a group of transmascs is like. jesus fucking christ there is so often so much awful shit that has happened to them. (in fact this def applies to transwomen too tbh, ive known a looot of transwomen w a history of sexual abuse. not as many as transmen but definitely higher than the general male population). physical abuse (or witnessing the physical abuse of a mother) can be another cause; that feeling of never wanting to be a scared helpless little girl again and wanting to be strong and able to defend yourself - things that are usually associated w men. these thoughts aren't usually conscious, its not like u think "i want to be a man bc i blame my body for what was done to me and i feel like if i could get out of my skin and be something more powerful i'd be safe and happy" - but thats what ppl often find out in therapy, and after coming 2 terms w that they find they don't have to take it out on themselves anymore and they manage to make peace with their body.

for a lot of women their dysphoria was caused by simple social restriction - ive no doubt in my mind that a huge reason for mine is not being able to be topless in public or have my shirt unbuttoned or jesus christ even just. just fucking EXIST without them having to be an ISSUE. i weaned myself off binding years ago and for a long time i managed 2 get to a place where i didnt even think abt my chest that much. and then some guy makes one comment abt how i never wear bras and its like. oh god i had tried to forget that you people can SEE them. and that sent me into a lil spiral for like a month lol 👍 pair that w going to mcr nj and forgetting to wear a bra the first night and finding my movement severely restricted due to not wanting my tits flying everywhere and i came back from that trip like. can someone just fuciing cut them off. (mcr PLEASE stop transing my gender im not strong enough...) (actually i was going to say that after that trip i wore a binder for the first time in years but i think im getting my timeline mixed up. i think that was before the show actually. bc i distinctly remember that i packed it for the trip 'just in case' and that was after i'd already worn it once around the house & once to a wedding) and obviously idk what the solution is for me there but i think a combination of therapy & lifestyle changes could help me get at least somewhere. i know that for other women lifestyle changes have been a huge factor - living & being around only women has been so healing fr a lot of detrans/dysphoric ladies & ive read some really moving things abt the impact going to womyns land has had fr some. misogyny in general can really wear down how u feel abt ur body over time, without u ever necessarily attributing your feelings to that. and when i say 'misogyny' im also including the simple existence of gender in that! to be born and to be separated into a category based on your body and to have that be something thats supposed to dictate how you live your entire life - you have a vagina so you have to wear this and act like this and people will have these expectations of u and you're limited by these restrictions and if you step out of line, if u dont do femininity or dont do it well enough, you will be punished. by god of course u grow to hate your body and your role in the world. of course u wish u could be a man and just fucking. live and breathe and exist without all these stupid fucking made-up rules & requirements! for a lot of ppl, recognising that & recognising that the problem doesn't lie with them, but with a society that made them feel that way, is huge. & after that realisation they can begin a process of forgiving their body. turning the blame out from where they've internalised it. & this is definitely why so many detrans/desisted/reidentified women get so hard into feminism. that's what brought me to radblr in the first place & started my own process of reidentification!

now obv i can't cover every possible cause of dysphoria here bc its as many & varied as ppl are. and listen im on mobile so i cant see how long this is but jesus christ i know it must be fucking long. and its still going to get much longer! so there is one last obvious cause of dysphoria that no-one likes to talk abt, but which is probably THE most concretely linked: being gay! for at LEAST hundreds of years (im sure there are some ladies around here who could attest to older sources tbh, it could be millenia for all i know) lesbians have written about feeling like they're a man's soul in a woman's body. sexual inversion theory was the default belief for how and why people were homosexual for a long, long time. and that theory is so completely alive and well. im not even going to say any more on this one. it's obvious and i think almost every single butch lesbian (& plenty of non-butch lesbians) feels this at SOME point. the proportion of homosexuals in the transgender population is definitely higher than in the general population. however even if ur het that can induce dysphoria too, cause u get ppl who say they don't want to date men as a woman, they want to do it as a man - which a lot of ppl put down to gay fetishisation but i don't think its all about that. i think its abt wanting to be on equal footing. so no-one is safe really!

ok. so what is the difference between this and conversion therapy. conversion therapy in my mind is smthn that seeks to 'correct' your behaviour/identity, rather than smthn with the goal of alleviating distress. like i don't think any of the stuff ive talked abt should b done w the goal of making someone not identify as trans anymore - idk identify how u want i guess. the identity isn't really the thing that matters. u don't even need to identify as trans in the first place for any of that stuff to b helpful - it's all abt lessening the distress u feel w ur own body. and the main thing 'trans conversion therapy' means 2 me is trying to force gender conformity on someone. like trying to get them to accept their assigned gender role. to get a gnc female who identifies as transmasc to ditch not only the identity but the gnc behaviours & presentation and accept their 'place' in the world as a woman. and gender (a word which to me is synonymous with the phrase 'gender roles' like they dont exist separately that is literally what gender is. its roles.) is my greatest enemy in the world FUCK gender and i don't ever ever think anyone should b forced to abide by it. i think it is the greatest evil on this planet. to me, the comparison of therapeutic dysphoria treatment to conversion therapy is like. say if someone was gay, and was severely distressed by being gay. they couldn't accept it and they hated it and they were depressed about it. this person would definitely benefit from therapy to help them ACCEPT the fact that they're gay and to help them feel comfortable with themselves about it. which is very very different from a 'therapy' which aims to make them not gay anymore. u know?

now im not going to pretend i know or even believe that everyone's dysphoria can be alleviated or erased with therapy. i have no idea how many ppl this would work for. maybe it would help 5% of ppl, maybe it would help 50%, or 95%. honest to god i have no idea. and sometimes figuring out the root causes of your dysphoria doesn't really do jack shit. there's a lot of things in my life i could point to that explain mine. but the trouble is that knowing that doesn't make it go away. it's a mental illness & it's as complicated & often stubborn as any other. chances are that therapy would help some ppl and not help others. and if u try it out & it doesn't help & u still think transition is the right path, then cool! if that's an informed choice and a medical risk/commitment you're willing to take then honestly i believe in giving ppl that right. but like i said the other day, the big thing is that without the OPTION of psychological treatment, there's really only the option of transition. well that's not tru actually, because some people do choose to simply live w their dysphoria, much as one might live w many other mental illnesses. i feel like that's also not an option spoken about often. u can actually just live with it. learn to manage it rather than try to cure it, let it ebb & flow. a lot of the time that will suck, but what mental illness doesn't? for many ppl, learning ways to manage & live w their dysphoria is a more sensible choice for their lifestyle than transition, which basically makes u a lifelong medical patient. for some ppl it's better than taking the health risks. sometimes u just gotta power thru.

anything else i want to add - yes, of course there is. there's a million things i could probably add. i could talk abt this for hours. actually i probably have bc i kept coming back 2 this on breaks at work so im sure ive put a couple of hrs into it by now. i didn't even mention eating disorders and how commonly comorbid they are w dysphoria; how it's all just different forms of body dysmorphia (but as many ppl have said, when an anorexic tells a doctor their body is wrong the doctor tell them no, your mind is wrong, and you need psychological treatment. not so with dysphoria.) the transwomen ive seen basically turn into plastic surgery addicts always seeking more and more changes bc they don't reach the end-point they'd imagined, where they're happy w their body now, bc the discomfort always came from inside their head and their body was never really the problem. the transmen who plan on just taking hormones but not getting top surgery, or vice versa, and then end up doing both AND getting phallo and often still finding themselves unsatisfied at the end. the unrealistic expectations people often have in the first place when starting transition, and the doctors who, instead of being realistic and helping patients to manage their expectations, promise the absolute world - leaving ppl completely mentally unprepared if things don’t go so well, where perhaps some therapy beforehand could have helped them accept what they’re getting into. the studies showing that although ppl REPORT being happier after transition, their life satisfaction scores on assessments aren't actually any higher than before. but i just got home and got to my computer and it turns out this reply is already. my god. over 2,000 words long. and holy shit even viewing it on desktop it’s enormous. so u gotta know when to quit i guess.

thank u so much for asking this. y’all know how much i love to talk abt this topic. i know everything is split into ‘sides’ on this sometimes, like it’s just some discourse, but it’s real people’s real lives and it’s so so important to me for everyone to see that. i want trans & dysphoric ppl to have more options, and to know about the options that they do have. there may not be any standardised dysphoria therapy but as i say, many women HAVE had life-changing results with other kinds of therapy, and there are many professionals out there who will absolutely work with you to the best of their ability if you want to get to the bottom of your dysphoria and come up with ways to lessen it or manage it. unfortunately, there are also many who will run for the hills because they don’t want to endanger their licence or reputation by being branded as conversion therapists. and i want feminists who see this as a solely political issue to see the humanity here and to recognise that dysphoria is a very real and often very debilitating mental illness that can’t always be cured by just explaining to someone that gender is made-up and bad. and no-one is a traitor to the female sex or an inherent misogynist for the choices they make to deal with that mental illness and live their happiest life.

and im. so sorry for all of ur dashboards. but hey, if u can scroll past 79 images per day of my chemical romance, then im sure u can scroll past this too if it’s of no interest to u. i hope not tho. if u read this all then god bless i am so thankful. everyone have a wonderful day <3 i am going to go have a nice big glass of mead bc it’s been a long night & all this thinking make hal head hurt. peace ✌️

[pacificwaternymph]

Sequel to this

-

Finn stumbled outside, rubbing his temples vigorously. It was nursing a killer headache and felt more than a little nauseous, no surprise there. He groaned as the pain spiked, and squeezed his eyes shut against the relentlessly cheerful sun.

The first sound that filtered in through his ears was arguing. It groaned again, already regretting ever getting out of bed, and turned to see which of its fellow Kites had gotten into a spat this early in the morning. (Was it morning? The sun was so high in the sky it may as well have been noon)

He stopped short at a familiar face, contorted in an unfamiliar expression of frustration. All signs of Joanna's disheveled appearance from the last time Finn had seen her had vanished. She wore a new dress, and an expensive looking one at that, probably a gift from Inigo, and her hair was back to its normal braid, tied off with an equally expensive looking ribbon.

It didn't recognize the Kite she was fighting with, though. Finn wasn't awake enough to process what words were being said, but it was clear from both parties' body language this had been going on for a while.

Jo spotted him first. Her irritation melted away as she broke off mid-sentence, face lighting up. She dashed towards it, ignoring the indignant shout from her abandoned opponent.

"Finn!" A body barreled into him and arms wrapped around his torso. Finn stiffened, although it quickly realized that Jo wasn't attacking it. She sighed, relieved, and for a few moments Finn stood there frozen, unsure what to do. Then its mind caught up with it, and it pushed her away, looking her up and down for signs of trouble.

"Jo? What is it? What's wrong?" He didn't see any immediate injuries , which was good, but he remained on guard. Could it have misjudged the situation, and her argument with the Kite turned to physical blows after all? Gods knew she wouldn't do anything to defend herself.

Jo's face twitched in confusion, before alighting in realization.

"Oh- no, no, nothing's wrong." She brought her hands up to cover his, where they were still set on her shoulders, and smiled softly. "I wanted to come check on you. See how you were doing after... yesterday."

Oh. Finn twisted its expression into something decidedly neutral so as not to give anything away. Joanna chewed on her lip nervously.

"I would have come yesterday, but Inigo said I should probably give you some space," she explained. Her hands moved away from his to play with her braid.

"I..." Finn glanced around. The only other person near them was the other kite, who snorted when it met their gaze, and walked off. He gave Jo a terse smile. "Um, thank you. But I'm fine now."

Jo's brow furrowed, disbelieving. Which- yeah okay that was fair. "Really?" she asked, her tone betraying what she thought of its answer. "Are you sure?"

Finn nodded quickly. "Promise."

Despite his reassurances, Joanna didn't say anything, or make any move to leave. Obviously she had been prepared for a longer conversation than that, but what else was there to say? It was fine now. He didn't want her to make it into this whole... thing.

But after a few moments of silence, Finn sighed. "Okay, look, just come inside before someone else sees you. You know how the kites feel about you."

~

A few minutes later, they were back inside Finn's lodgings, sitting down across from one another at the table. Neither had said anything yet, and the silence only grew louder as the seconds ticked by. Joanna shifted uncomfortably in her seat.

"You don't have to answer this, obviously," she said eventually, which was always a promising start, "but... Is there a reason why you... you wouldn't swim?"

Finn stilled, not even trusting itself to breathe. Trust Jo to cut right down to the bone on her first sentence.

"I mean, you're a pirate. I assume you know how. Seems kind of counterintuitive not to, doesn't it?" She laughed nervously, going back to playing with her braid. Finn's jaw clenched so hard he could feel the bones creaking, and he closed his eyes. "Did something happen? I mean... obviously something happened, you nearly drowned, but... I mean before yesterday. Do you..."

"I don't want to talk about this," Finn said, eyes flying open and face shuttering closed. Its tone was as blank as its expression, and it startled Jo. Her eyes blew wide and her mouth snapped shut immediately. Finn winced. Maybe he'd been a little harsher than necessary. "It's... complicated."

Unexpectedly, the tension drained from Jo's shoulders. She took a deep breath and gave Finn that same soft smile, completely unfazed by its rudeness.

"Okay, that's okay. Sorry for prying." She huffed, fidgeting with her thumbs. "But you do know that I'm here if you change your mind, right? Any time you need to talk, I'm here. I'll always be willing to listen."

Finn found himself at a loss for words, completely thrown by the pure sincerity in Jo's voice. Who was this girl? Who in the Isles was that genuine? Who could afford to be that genuine?

It stuttered a few times, mouth opening and closing like a beached fish. He cleared his throat, and turned away.

"Yeah. Whatever." After a moment's pause, it added, "Thanks."

Jo beamed and reached over to squeeze his hand. Finn suddenly felt overwhelmed by guilt, remembering the last it had seen of her yesterday. How she could be so gentle towards him after his callousness in response to her saving his life?

"I'm... I'm sorry," it blurted, bringing its free hand up to rub the back of its neck. "For ignoring you yesterday. I didn't mean to... I mean I wasn't trying to... I just..." Fuck, he was bad at apologies. Its vision started to blur.

Thankfully, Jo seemed to understand what he couldn't say. "It's okay," she reassured it. "I get it. I wasn't mad at you or anything. I was just worried. I'm glad you're okay." She cracked a grin. "Inigo might be a bit more miffed, though."

Finn snorted and laughed wetly, trying and failing to keep its voice from wavering. He swiped at his eyes before he could do something really embarrassing, like start crying. Jo stood up and walked around the table. She set one hand on Finn's shoulder, and pulled him into another hug. It still stiffened, unused to touch without the intent to harm, but slowly brought its arms up to return the embrace.

He closed his eyes and buried his face into her shoulder. If a few tears managed to escape from behind its eyes, soaking into the silk of Joanna's dress, she was polite enough not to say anything.

Despite everything, he really did feel a little bit better.

-

Finneas belongs to the ever lovely @finnified :) I'm sorry, I couldn't just LEAVE it there. So here, have some comfort for both Finn and our readers lmao.

[host-the-radio-guy]

Well. Here's a bit of writing on it for ya

Grian's felt like he's had to guard the rift. Quite literally stand waiting there, to make sure Mumbo won't get past him to try and leave. He hasn't known rest. Not since the first time when Mumbo tried to politely scoot past him while he was working. Keeping him busy with conversation. Getting him to talk about what's been happening this season.

Mumbo wasn't stupid. He knew he didn't belong to this time and place. He knew something was off, and looking at Grian made him feel like all he was seeing was wrong. Some sort of a fever dream, or maybe a delusion. But Mumbo knew this wasn't right. He's talked to other hermits and all of them had acted like it was Mumbo that had something wrong with him. Like he was a throwback to something.

Something bad.

Mumbo didn't get it. And he wanted out. Back home. Back to his season, back to his Grian, his Impulse, his Pearl, his Scar. None of these people were his. Whatever happened to him this season, whatever this Entity was, Mumbo will figure it out when he gets there.

He'd found himself returning to Grian's base once again. Back to the Rift. Back to the madness. He looked at Grian, plopped down in front of the swirling, beckoning purple portal, and they immediately locked eyes.

"Mumbo." , he said, making Mumbo shiver, despite having seen him, and having known he'll speak eventually.

"Yes, Grian?", it was an old game. A battle of wit, a graceless dance of words to see who will emerge victorious, and who will lose a piece of their sanity. So tastless.

Grian narrowed his eyes, slightly soulless from exhaustion, and maybe just their nature. Maybe something was slipping through the cracks the more tired Grian got from guarding the Rift, day in and day out.

"Why are you back here again, Mumbo?", every single time, Grian had managed to convince Mumbo to stay. He seemed so. Desperate. He missed the Mumbo he'd lost to something he refused to even explain. And it seems he forbade everyone else from talking about it. Because Mumbo was yet to actually get someone, a single soul, to tell him what happened here.

Mumbo's brain was quick to reel back into the conversation when he saw Grian get up, and begin to move towards him. Same old game, Mumbo thought to himself, but you gotta win this time.

"I think we both know why I'm here, buddy.", Mumbo moved back to avoid Grian, taking smooth and slow steps backwards to avoid both Grian and the little traps he'd set for Mumbo to stop him getting close. Mumbo knew all of them like the back of his own hand by now.

"Well, you can't go, Mumbo. You have to stay.", Grian had been trying to reason with Mumbo for what's felt like months. Mumbo had been trying to reason with Grian for what's felt like an eternity. Every encounter a century long in its extensiveness and its difficulty. But recently it's felt like both of them had been losing their patience with one another.

"I can't stay, you know i can't. This isn't where i belong, i need to go back to my season, Grian." No nicknames. Mumbo hasn't called Grian anything other than his full name for the entirety of the time he's been here. Grian couldn't blame him. But he wanted to. He just wanted his best friend. Was that really too much to ask?

"But- but you're Mumbo! You're my Mumbo! You belong here, this is where you're meant to be!" Grian knew this was the wrong Mumbo. He did something wrong, missed a variable in his calculations, throwing the entire equation off. Now he was forced to face the mistake he's made in the shape of Mumbo, somehow from last season, standing here before him, and desperately trying to go home. He just wanted to go home. Was that really too much to ask?

"I'm not, Grian, I'm not from this season, i don't remember anything, and you're acting as though I'd died!", A shout, an unexpectedly loud one at that, stunned Grian into complete silence. Mumbo's sharp voice cut through the cold air of the rift room, Grian's self-made lab. He was stood right in front of it, back facing the purple swirling portal. Mumbo knew he was there from the purple light cast on the ground, his own long shadow and the strange purple glow in Grian's eyes.

"I'm sorry, Grian, but i must go." His whole body was tense, he slowly turned to face the Rift.

"I'll see you next season." And with that,

> MumboJumbo has left the game.

so i was like haha what if grian accidentally rift-yoinked season 8 mumbo. then spent my whole weekend on it

[fnaf-phoenix-au]

Hello and welcome!

This is the blog for the Phoenix AU, formerly the Everyone Lives AU.

I'll try to answer questions when I have time (and if I don't forget the blog exists but that's a secret between you and me), but chances are your question will eventually be answered!

You can ask a character a question, or me if it's about the AU itself that either can't be answered in-universe or you want a response from me as the creator (please specify if it's the second one, but otherwise any questions answered directly by me are because the characters can't explain).

There's very few rules to this blog, but there are some boundaries to what you can ask for my own safety (and sanity in some cases).

You CAN: - Ask silly things! The Phoenix AU is basically just my "it's my AU and I decide what's canon" AU, so asking every character you can if they can do a flip is definitely within the ruleset. - Reblog the post to continue a conversation! I'll probably cut it off in the tags at some point to keep one ask chain from taking over the entire blog, but until then feel free to keep going.

You CAN'T: - Ask sexual things. I was going to say general NSFW, but since blood and gore is often considered NSFW I will specify sexual. This doesn't mean you can't ask about a character's sexuality, that's completely fine! There's a difference between asking if a character is gay and asking if you can fuck one of the characters. - Spam the ask button with the same thing over and over. There has to be different question and/or character for each ask.

I am very ready to add to these rules if I must.

DNI if you are:

A pedophile, necrophile, zoophile etc.

Proship

Racist

Sexist

LGBTQ+phobic (yes, this includes you, TERFs)

Zionist, pro-Israel, or neutral

I will probably be adding to the DNI list at some point. These are just the things I can think of off the top of my head.

Finally, now that everything else is out of the way, we have the sheer insanity of just how many characters you could theoretically ask in this AU! It takes place a bit after Ruin, maybe a few weeks/a month. I'll sort the characters by game/first official appearance (characters who are technically the same as another will be listed as the name/appearance they use in the AU, such as the Withereds being the Classics):

FNaF 1

Classic Freddy

Classic Bonnie

Classic Chica

Classic Foxy

FNaF 2

Toy Freddy

Toy Bonnie

Toy Chica

The Mangle

The Puppet

Shadow Freddy

Shadow Bonnie

Charlie Emily

FNaF 3

Springbonnie/trap

William Afton

FNaF 4

Evan Afton

Sister Location

Funtime Freddy

BonBon

Funtime Foxy

Ballora

Circus Baby

Yenndo

Bonnet

Lolbit

Michael Afton

Elizabeth Afton

Pizzeria Sim

Rockstar Bonnie

Rockstar Chica

Rockstar Foxy

Funtime Chica

Mr. Hippo

Orville Elephant

Happy Frog

Nedd Bear

Music Man

Helpy

Henry Emily

Security Breach/Ruin

Glamrock Freddy

Glamrock Bonnie

Glamrock Chica

Roxanne Wolf

Montgomery Gator

Daycare Attendant

Vannesa

Gregory

Cassie

Other

Susie

Gabriel

Fritz

Jeremy

Cassidy

Unavailable Characters and Why

Golden Freddy/Fredbear: by this point the animatronic is too damaged to function, and while Michael could fix him, he's not sure he wants to (everyone understands why, for one reason or another)

Jeremy Fitzgerald: something happened, I'm not sure what yet but it leaves him unavailable

The Phantoms: they're hallucinations and not real characters you can hold a conversation with

The Nightmares: similar to the Phantoms, they are nightmares and you can't hold a conversation with them (they'd just kill you)

Bidybabs/Minireenas: this is going to sound lazy but honestly I can't be bothered with them (yes this counts for Electrobab too)

Rockstar Freddy: Everyone Lives was technically a lie since the fire absolutely fried his circuits beyond repair

Lefty: Charlie shoved Henry into Lefty and he hasn't gotten out yet (Charlie's letting him figure that out on his own since he thought trapping her in the bear-shaped timeout box was a good idea)

Glitchtrap: it's basically just a lil bit of William's soul that got into some circuit boards and didn't get the "I'm in hell" memo, so it's pretty much the same as asking William something

DJ Music Man: Michael and the Funtimes couldn't move him out of the ruined Pizzaplex, so sadly he's still left there (don't worry, he understands)

STAFF Bots/PatPats/Map Bot/Mask Bot: I hopefully don't need to explain why

The Mimic: let's just say there was a scooper incident while Michael and the Funtimes were getting Cassie and the other animatronics out of the Pizzaplex

None of the characters from Fazbear Frights or Tales from the Pizzaplex are here If I did do something like that it would be a different AU blog!

And that concludes my Mr. Hippo story of a post on a probably overambitious project that luckily I am doing on my own time and can figure it out as I go!

[guytheporn]

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[frogtanii]

[buckle up; this one is a long one (1.6k words)]

things weren’t supposed to turn out this way.

she was supposed to show up, apologize “sincerely,” and the boys, her boys, were supposed to welcome her with open arms and swiftly discard of you.

instead, she was sitting in the back of a cramped police car with two pigs, one of which had a horrible b.o. problem and an affinity for sauerkraut.

it was so frustrating.

and, of course, it was all your fault.

you’d been blocking her from true happiness ever since the beginning when you’d first met in middle school. it was crazy because you’d actually seemed nice; kind, understanding, and you didn’t judge her for what her father did to her mother or for how she acted out because of that.

sure, you were a little weird and sometimes you could be downright rude to other kids in your class but you cared for her in a way that no one else had before.

(un)fortunately, you didn’t come alone — you were a packaged deal. your childhood friend, daishou, came into her life right along with you. she didn’t mind at first; daishou was fun when he wanted to be but he was mostly full of snarky comments and sarcastic quips.

the three of you spent all your time with each other; from playing at the playground to helping her begin her makeup youtube channel in 8th grade.

you all got along pretty well up until you got to highschool. once there, you threw yourself into your studies, sort of retracting yourself from her and daishou.

how selfish.

she couldn’t help but feel betrayed by you—you knew how bad she was at making friends and you didn’t even care, leaving her all alone to fend for herself.

well, not all by herself.

daishou was a constant. no matter where she was, or how alone she was feeling, he was there to provide entertainment at the most, and his presence at the least.

it wasn’t always the healthiest, most functional friendship, she could admit that. there were weeks that daishou would choose to ignore her for no apparent rhyme or reason, citing his explanation as he just didn’t feel like it.

obviously it sucked but he was her only friend, ever since you so cruelly abandoned them. i mean, you still ate lunch with them every day and invited them over to study and hang out, but it was not the same.

with you so absent, she grew closer and closer to daishou to the point she was spending almost every waking moment with him. and, as the story so goes, she fell for him, head over heels.

she knew it was a bad idea, if their friendship was anything to go off of but she didn’t care. she was desperate for love and physical affection and he seemed willing to at least give her the latter.

after she decided to confess, nerves all the way in her throat and a box of chocolates behind her back, daishou took her virginity in the back of his ford fusion, hard, fast and nothing like she’d imagined.

the next day, she’d cornered you in the library (where you always seemed to be) to tell you the good news. your face was unusually blank as she detailed the best night of her life to you, your response being less than stellar when she was done. “please be careful,” you had said.

what did that even mean? you clearly wanted to keep daishou safe from her which was ridiculous because weren’t you supposed to be her friend too? she’d stormed out of the library after that, determined to demand a kiss from daishou to make her feel better.

that day was one of the last that she’d see you for a while. you got caught up with clubs and schoolwork (and apparently therapy for god knows what) while she got caught up with daishou.

things with him weren’t... great. they never really were but things were getting even worse. his random bouts of silence got longer and though it was only freshman year and they’d been dating for less than 5 months, he’d meet with her after school with a hickey plastered on his collarbone that she knew she didn’t put there (she sucked even harder over the spot to claim it as her own).

as she said, things weren’t great but they weren’t horrible either. they remained that way all the way up until sophomore year.

you and her had drifted even further, hardly speaking to one another unless it was for a project or to vaguely greet one another in the halls. it was okay though. you had all your other friends and she... well she had daishou.

speaking of, her “boyfriend” had been more distant than usual. she wasn’t an idiot and she knew he’d been seeing other girls on the side, but she believed she would be the one he’d end up with, the one he’d marry.

how foolish she had been.

it was prom night and she felt beautiful. her beauty channel had finally begun picking up traction (she’d just hit 13k subscribers the night before!!) so she filmed a prom night makeup tutorial, making sure that every square inch of her face was perfect. donning a silky blue floor length dress, she felt like a princess and she certainly looked the part.

she showed up to daishou’s house about 30 minutes before the event, ringing his doorbell with an elated grin painted all over her face. he had mentioned in passing that his parents and older sister would be out for the weekend, leaving the house for themselves. that meant sex and sex meant being wanted.

after the third ring of the bell, she started to get nervous. maybe he wasn’t ready yet? maybe he needed help with his tie? just when she was about to wring the bell again, the door swung open to reveal daishou... not in his suit.

“oh, it’s you,” he’d grumbled. “‘m not goin’ to prom.” she felt her breath catch in her throat. she’d protested and begged for an explanation but he wouldn’t give one to her. eventually, she’d followed him into his house, furious because how could he do this to her? on her night?

it didn’t take very long for him to get fed up, his snake-like eyes honing in on her, filled with venom. “‘m not goin’ because i don’t like you anymore. you still look pretty though.”

just like that, with just a few words, he’d shattered her heart. she was frozen in place, completely disconnected from daishou, her love, as he not-so-gently pushed her out the door, slamming it in her face.

she felt tears stream down her cheeks and before she knew it, her legs were carrying her to a place she hadn’t been in months.

banging frantically on the door, she cried out, begging for someone, anyone to hear her. the door opened quickly and there you stood. you’d clearly been studying but as you took in her frazzled appearance, it seemed as though your heart broke.

you ushered her inside, sat her own the couch, and began to make her a cup of tea, your parents having been out for the night as well. once the kettle went off, you quickly prepped her drink and gave it to her, the words flowing out of her like liquid once she had taken a sip.

she didn’t know why she was even there but despite the animosity between the two of you, you seemed like you truly... cared. (neither of you mentioned the tears that stained your favorite t shirt or the quiet apologies you muttered into her hair).

that night quickly went and passed and by the next day, she was feeling rejuvenated and more like herself. however, that feeling quickly dissipated when she caught you in the hallway between classes speaking with daishou behind the stairwell in hushed tones.

within the span of a few hours, her heart had been broken twice and she was sure she’d never felt such heartache before.

she turned on her heel and darted away, avoiding your every attempt to talk to her for weeks and weeks until you just... stopped trying. after you’d cut off conversation, yet again, the sadness quickly festered and morphed into anger.

that anger only grew when she watched you graduate at the top of your class in your senior year, your smile blinding as you accepted your diploma. it only grew when she saw that you had made it into the university of your choice on your instagram story, her own rejection letter torn up in the bottom of her wastebin. it only grew when she saw you’d made your own youtube channel, her own going untouched and neglected (her last video had been a half-assed “get ready with me” that had more dislikes than likes due to her horrible makeup and even worse attitude).

soon enough, the rage had intensified until it had taken over her whole being. she was just so angry at all that you’d done to her, all the ways you’d ruined her life that she couldn’t keep herself from plotting your demise.

when she got the email from the hyper house management team that invited her into the house and offered the option that she could pick someone she wanted to move in as well, her anger turned into excitement.

this was her chance. this was her moment to turn your life into a living hell, to make it at least a fraction of what she went through by your hands.

she was going to make you pay and god, was it going to feel great.

the metal of the handcuffs chafed her wrists as she adjusted herself against the cool leather of the cruiser, the discomfort removing her from her reverie.

yeah, right. it seemed as though she was the only one “paying” right about now.

she tilted her head back to stare at the ceiling, tears filling her eyes but refusing to fall.

things definitely weren’t meant to turn out like this. not at all.

℗ poker face

not like this

series masterlist

(●’◡’●)ﾉ

an - OMFG THE BACKSTORY REVEALED I AM SO OVER IT >:(( this took me forever to write and i still wasn’t able to include everything i wanted to so hop over to my asks if you need any clarification!! oh oh && just a reminder, this playlist is from meiko’s perspective so chances are, things didn’t exactly go just like this wink wonk KAJS ANYWAYS DONT FORGET TO FEED ME ILY <3333

taglist - if your name is in bold, i cannot tag you

@boosyboo9206 • @geektastic84 • @elianetsantana • @trashy-simp • @infinitebells • @6mattsun9 • @suhkusa • @katsulovee • @kotarosbabygirl • @fucktheworlddude • @insomniacwreck • @calumsfringe • @saltylettuce • @chai-blu • @al3x1ss • @hawksyoongi • @jooleuuh • @loubells • @kissungjae • @liberhoe • @tetsurocore • @animeoverdosee • @duhsies • @saiKishaircLip • @afire24 • @premiyagi • @kit-kat428 • @doctorspencereid • @daphnxy • @kyomihann • @maer-333 • @sinoflust19 • @peteunderoos • @peachiikichu • @iidanotlida • @yongboxerrr • @kac-chowsballs • @tanakaslastbraincell • @memorableminds • @risjime • @starry-magicshop • @sugavwara • @smuttyanimeslut • @kiwibirbs-library • @haijkk • @airybnb • @crybabygumi • @iwaisa • @decaffinatedtealover • @notameera • @kawaii-angelanne • @rintarovibes • @urlocalsimp • @keiarma • @shrimpypenis

the rest of the tags will be in the replies!!