#this is what happens when u get a pre-med degree but don’t do well enough to actually get into med/pa school😍

[fyodior]

blegh

[cocobutnochanel]

Roommates | 18+

Genre: slight fluff, smut, roommate!Chanyeol

Main Characters: Park Chanyeol x Reader (oc: fem)

Summary: Your brother's bestfriend, the wrong pill and empty threats could never be good news. Your life turns 180 degrees around when you drink medicine impulsively.

Warning: profanity, sex scene, drug intake

Kink List: unprotected sex, bondage, restraints, drug intake, verbal degradation, creampie, aftercare, daddy kink, daddy!Chanyeol, dom!Chanyeol

Word count: 3.3k+ words

You wanted to bang your head against the wall. Integral calculus was so goddamn hard to learn and you hated how it's included in your courses when you majored in political science. It didn't make sense and the book in front of you didn't too.

You let out a huff and try to comprehend it since you aimed for a perfect GPA this semester.

The door swings open "Hey, dumbface." A familiar voice disrupts you. "What do you need, frat boy?" You hiss, not even bothering to turn around to look at him. Even his presence alone annoys you.

"Stay out tonight." He snickers, shutting the door behind him. "Can you not have sex while exams are going on? I'm trying to study." You whip your head and glare at his smirking face.

"Don't test me, I can tell eomma you're dating someone in uni." He was threatening you with bullshit like this again. What more, you know your mom loves him so much and she'll believe him.

You roll your eyes at him. "Eomma? She's my mother, Chanyeol, not yours. I'll tell her you're fucking with the entire population of Seoul instead." You look at him incredulously while he smiles with amusement in his eyes. He loved pissing you off, you had no idea why your oppa and eomma let you share a dorm room with him.

"You wouldn't do that to your oppa." He cooed at you mockingly. "Oppa? You? Fuck off, Yeollie." You flip him the finger while he cringed. He hates his childhood nickname.

He finally heads out of your shared dorm room and you return to reading the book. Park Chanyeol was a rodent who never left your family alone ever since he met your big brother, Jongin, in pre-school. Like Jongin who was his best friend, he loves pissing you off too. He even has his own room in your house and calls your mother 'eomma'.

You finally resumed studying after he heads out. After a few hours of reviewing calculus over and over again, you decide to sleep for your last day of exam tomorrow.

-

You wake up and notice Chanyeol's top bunk empty and unslept in. He must be with his whores, you assume. You hurriedly get ready and head to your first exam of the day.

The day passed by idly, occupying you with three exams and integral calculus being the last. The moment you got out of the classroom, your head ached. Fuck math, honestly.

You get back to your dorm room and see that Chanyeol still wasn't home despite it being 2 in the afternoon already. You shrug that thought off and text him instead. Your headache bothered you more than your brother's manwhore best friend not coming home.

'frat boy do u have tylenol ?' You text him.

'aww, uri dongsaeng is sick xx' He responded in a heartbeat, dying to tease you since exams were over.

'fuck you where are ur meds' You reply as your vision blurs even more. You couldn't afford to deal with his bullshit. Your head was killing you now.

'my nightstand. be home in a sec w/ food' He finally texted you back. You groan as another pang hits your head, telling you to let go of your phone. You curse integral calculus for giving you this pain.

You pull the drawer in his nightstand. You see condoms of different variations and that disgusted you to the core. Safe sex should be practiced but to need this amount of condoms? He sure does love sleeping around.

You see a white bottle with a red label in the far corner. You couldn't read the label but your head throbbed even more, making you grab that bottle out of impulse. You take it and drink a glass of water.

The sound of the door opening reached your ears as you laid on your bed, trying to rest. "Hey, you okay?" Chanyeol's voice was worried but the pain you were feeling made you snap at him. "Don't talk to me. I'm about to die." He laughs about what you just said and teases you with "That's good news."

A few minutes later, you were expecting the drowsy feeling to take over but unfortunately, it didn't. Your head was still in pain and it wasn't letting you sleep. You wince at an intense pang again.

"Are you sure you took Tylenol? You should be knocked out right now." He comments when he sees you still suffering. "I don't know anymore, fuck. All I know is that the pain is going away." You groan but now, the pain was slowly diminishing.

Few more minutes again, the throbbing stopped but you felt kind of hot. "Holy shit." You hear him mutter.

"What now?" You ask him with a grimace, fanning yourself. Heat now taking over the pain you felt earlier. "You took the wrong bottle! You're so fucking dumb, I swear." He shrieks. You never saw him freak out before which is why I was alarmed.

He holds up a bottle and you cover your mouth as soon as you saw it clearly. "It was my horny pills, you dumbfuck." He said with a flabbergasted face. Well, that explains the heat.

You didn't know why or how but you were aroused when he called you 'dumbfuck'. It wasn't the first time hearing this insult from him but it set you on fire right now. The pill made you feel things you don't feel when you're not having raging hormones.

"B-But, w-why do you even have them?!" You tried to distract yourself from the feeling but it only heightened. This was wrong on all angles. He was your brother's best friend! There was a reason why your mother trusted him to be your roommate! You weren't supposed to feel things like these!

You feel yourself get wet down there. "Fuck." You breathed out, his eyes glued on you while you lay in your bed with a defeated face. He sat across you with knitted eyebrows and an angry face.

"Yeol, get out!" You scream at him before you lost your sanity. You were getting wetter by the minute. "Are you sure you're gonna be okay?" Even his concerned voice sent you over the edge.

Without thinking, you stand up and sit on top of him. "N-No.. Jongin's gonna kill me." His voice was raspy and sitting on top of him made you feel the growing bulge between his legs.

"What happened to the brave frat boy?" You whispered against his ear, your hormones getting the better of you. You start dry humping on his thigh as he closed his eyes in frustration. "Y/N, you know we can't do this." Desperation dripping in his voice.

You roll your eyes at what he just said. "Yeollie, be responsible. This was your fault." You purred, the libido inside you growing. He bit his lip in response.

"God knows how much I want to but Jongin will kill me. You know that, Y/N." He pleaded but you knew he couldn't resist seeing you like this, like a thirsty bitch for him. "Please don't make this harder tha-" You cut him off with a hungry kiss.

He was stunned and he couldn't move but your hands travelled down to the hem of his shirt. You took it off, your lips still on his. He was defenseless under your kiss. Soon, he kissed you back gently too.

His tongue ran down on your bottom lip and you moan his name. His erection was now as hard as a rock and you liked it like that. Especially when it was between your legs too.

His mouth hungrily darted down your neck. You knew he was leaving marks but you couldn't care less. He was finally returning the passion you were feeling. This was his fault, all along.

Your hands held onto his locks as he devoured you on top of him. He couldn't meet your eye. He knew he wanted you but it was wrong. Jongin was your brother and he was his best friend. It was wrong but it only made the two of you want it even more.

His hand clutched your thigh as he nibbles on the sensitive skin of your collarbones. "Yeol." You call out to him, desperately wanting for more. You take off the pullover you had on and he couldn't help but stare in awe.

"Beautiful." He breathes out, his face meeting your hot chest. He unclasps the bra from your back and as it fell to the floor, his hands immediately replaced that warmth.

He massaged your sensitive breasts as he let his mouth play with your chest. You could only moan in agreement.

He managed to slip hand inside your miniskirt. His fingers found your wetness, your back arching at the contact. "Yeol!" You scream in surprise the moment he slipped a digit in. "Wet enough.." He whispers.

He gets up and throws you on the bed. He pulls his belt out of the skinny jeans he was wearing. You gasp when he ties your hand above your head, tightening the belt around it.

You were left in your skirt and that turned him on. You and you were good girl ways, he thought. He pulls your soaked panties down with a satisfied grin, his eyes never leaving yours.

He goes down on you, his hot breath on your pussy. You writhe under his warmth as you buck your hips forward to meet his lips. "Nah-uh. Wait." He whispers breathily.

You exhale in frustration. He felt your desperation and flipped you around, positioning your knees on the bed. "I said wait." He growls as you feel his palm smack your buttcheek.

You bite your lip as the impact made you wetter. You were sure you were dripping down there and the pill you took didn't help either.

Another smack hits your bottom and the sting it inflicted made you moan out loud.

"Jesus, Chanyeol, put it in already." You begged desperately. He puts two digits inside which made you hungrier.

You feel your insides clench around his fingers as he scissors his way in. He was a cruel fucker and you loved how he likes you at his mercy.

"Beg for it." He bellowed above you, fisting a handful of your hair.

Pride wasn't your priority right now. Your priority was your need for him inside you. "Please, daddy, put it in." You sigh, letting all your pride go down the  drain. You hated him but now, you're begging while calling him daddy.

You turn your head around to see him but his erection was now out and it tensed at your nickname for him. It was itching to be inside you too.

He finally pulls out his teasing fingers. Positioning his 9-inch cock on your entrance, you moan audibly. "Daddy, please." You beg once again.

He slides it in as you felt your insides stretch at his size. Tears welled up in your eyes as pain intensified down there. “I’m not even fully inside. Wipe your tears, slut.” He hisses, his fingers diving into the sides of your hips out of frustration.

“So fucking tight.” He comments, feeling up every inch inside you. You could only groan in response as the belt on your wrists restrained you from moving.

He pulls out a bit and starts thrusting in a rhythm. “Yeollie.” You moan out loud as he took you from behind. “What did you just call me?” He spat, thrusting stops abruptly.

“I-I’m sorry, daddy.” Your voice was powerless. Just like how you are right now, kneeling as you call your brother’s best friend ‘daddy’.

“Good.” He starts ramming it inside you again. Your eyes deliriously rolled as he thrusts into your G-spot again.

You weren’t a virgin but you didn’t sleep around as well. You only had sex with the guys you were in a relationship with, hence, why you were so tight. Despite lacking experience that Chanyeol had, it was a no-brainer that this was your best fuck.

After simultaneously hitting your spot, you notice his pace quicken. He was about to come. “D-Daddy!” You screech as his hot liquid filled you to the brim, your own juice gushing out of you too.

You were weak as you slump back on the bed. He wipes you down there, making sure you were clean. He was a monster while doing the deed yet he was so domestic when it was over.

He took his belt off your wrists as you lay on your back, bare and sore. He plants a soft kiss on your lips as if it’d make up for how he tired you out today.

You thought you were through but another wave of heat hit you again 10 minutes later. He plops on your side after that and tries to cuddle you but that only ignited your desires once again.

“Yeol...” You moan into his ear as his arm drapes over your bare waist. “Do you want to go at it again?” He asks like a puppy as if he hadn’t made you beg a while ago.

“How long does it wear off?” You ask, referring to the pill. “I don’t know but usually half a day, I guess?” He shrugs, still cuddling you.

“Are you serious?! Does it mean I’m gonna be like this for twelve fucking hours?!” You grit your teeth. “Relax, I’m willing to help as long as you let me. Also, I’m sorry for that earlier..” He says with sincerity dripping from his voice.

“It was the first time I was ever like that. I just got carried away cause it’s you, I guess.” He looks at you with puppy eyes while his hands inch down towards your pussy that was now wet again. For him.

“What do you mean cause it’s me?” You ask him with a shaky voice, feeling his middle finger against your clit now. “You know you’re attractive. I just didn’t make a move cause I know Jongin would kill me.” He chuckles.

“Hmmm.” You hum which makes him look at you. “I guess I’m flattered, daddy.” You mischievously grin as he bites his lip at the nickname.

-

You wake up with sore thighs and a cooking Chanyeol. You lost count of how many rounds you had with him and he had the guts to look like a husband the next morning. He looked so domestic in a plain white shirt and an apron. He didn't look like the frat boy that he was and it was the first time you saw him in that light.

You get up and he whips his head around. "Good morning.." He greets you with a bright smile as if he wasn't the reason you could barely walk now.

Your feet meet your dorm room's cold hard floor and you walk to the dining table. He serves the breakfast he prepared: fried eggs, pancakes and bacon.

"You look so domestic, it's disgusting." You comment on his bright toothy smile when he placed the food in front of you as if he was some husband serving his wife. "You wish. As if you didn’t beg last night to be cuddled." He winks at you, pulling the chair across.

"There's the frat boy I know." You roll your eyes at his laughing figure. "By the way, eomma texted me the train schedule for today. You have to get ready by 9." He reminds you, his mouth full of pancakes.

You only nod at him, sipping the coffee he prepared for you too. You two finish breakfast while bantering about little things. You wanted to ask him about last night but then, you were afraid it'd make things awkward.

You dismiss that thought and get ready for your trip back countryside. Exams were over which meant it was already summer. Suncheon was only 3 hours away from Seoul but you only went home during school breaks.

You change into comfortable travelling clothes. Chanyeol has a designer hoodie on as if he was some idol in airport fashion. "You picking up girls from the train too?" You snicker judgementally.

He lets out a hoarse laugh. "You jealous?" He smirks and runs a hand through his blonde hair. "You wish." You glare at him and head out of your dorm room with a luggage in hand.

He follows you, his luggage with him too. You two head out to the train station nearby and buy a ticket to Suncheon.

You settle in beside him and sleep for the rest of your 3-hour ride. Last night's strenuous activities tired you out. Drowsiness took over you as Chanyeol leaned his head on your shoulders, slowly getting addicted to your natural scent.

-

You wake up to Chanyeol drooling on your shoulder. You were now near so you decide to wake him up. You were reminded of your question earlier too.

"Yeollie, you’re drooling." You tease him but he only hummed in response, trying to rub his eyes. But suddenly, you wanted to ask him about last night. Were you just an easy fuck? Or were you dating him like how you did with your exes? You weren’t really one to sleep around, you remind yourself.

"W-What does last night mean? Should we act like it never happened?" You ask with a thumping heart. You were scared that he'd say you were just another fuck. Despite your denial of ‘liking him’, rejection scared you.

"We're here." He grabs your hand and lets you up when the train comes to a stop. "Wait, Yeol. Answer me." You say in a weak voice while he dragged you out. Instead, it looks like he just shrugs your question off.

You spot your eomma and oppa waving. Jongin was smiling when he saw you and his best friend. You had no idea he was gonna be here but you were happy. You haven't seen him in so long.

"We missed you!" Your eomma runs to you and Chanyeol, hugging you two. You only smile at her and Jongin who was behind him too.

"Dude!" Jongin greeted Chanyeol with a man-hug. You roll your eyes at their bromance. "Dumbass." Jongin ruffled your hair while you only whine in response. “Oppa, cut it out!” You shriek at him.

"Did you eat already?" Your mom asks the two of you, linking her arms around yours. "Nope." You answer timidly, still not over the fact that Chanyeol dodged your question earlier.

"Let's go to Kyungsoo's place! He opened a new pizzeria." Jongin chimes in. Chanyeol could only nod. Did he lose his energy because you asked him that? Was it wrong to clarify whatever it was between you two?

You sensed the tension in the air when you saw Chanyeol walk so stiffly behind you.

"How's my sister in Seoul? Did her dumbass get a boyfriend, no?" Jongin sneers. He knew you had minimum experience in dating and he loved teasing you about it. Chanyeol clears his throat. "She's seeing someone." You and your mom stop walking the moment he announced this. Suddenly, you were reminded of the empty threat he made when you refused to leave for his hook-up. Were you two back at that again? Just.... roommates?

"What? Her? Are you joking?" Jongin laughs at you and you wanted to smack him in the face but you were too busy overthinking. "Yeol, if this is about the threat you made-" You assumed this was about that night but he cut you off with a bold statement.

"She's seeing me." You let out an audible gasp. Your eomma covered her mouth in surprise. "What did you say?" Jongin sounded like he was challenging his own best friend. The danger in his voice scared you but it didn't affect Chanyeol in any way. Instead, he confirms it again.

"Dude, I said she's seeing me." Before you could deny it, your oppa lunged forward and tackled Chanyeol to the floor.

[obliviatestudies]

3rd YEAR of UNI

hey everyone! if you’re just stumbling upon this post and are new here, i’m going into my 3rd year of undergrad in bio for health sci a.k.a pre-med sorta deal! i did this post last year and u guys loved it, i also think its a great ways for us #studyblrs to share more . this is just an update into what courses i’ll be taking this year, life updates, tips i learnt from last year + more!

PICKING COURSES

my courses:

I'm a health sci bio major with a double minor in chem + business! so here is what my full-time year of studies looks like (5 courses per semester)

physiology of neurons & muscles

human development

structural biochem

metabolism & bioenergetics

neurosci

statistics

lab in cell & molecular bio

molecular bio

fundamentals of marketing

managing projects & business plans

for freshman, your courses are pretty set and you likely won't have much choice around what you actually want to take, so unless you're an upper-year, you likely won't see more interesting course titles like what i have above. not much for an update in this section, i planned most of my courses last year, but the most frustrating thing that happened was 9/10 courses i wanted to take were in my fall semester originally, so i have to do A LOT of rearranging, anywho.....

scheduling:

i'll link last years post here as i went into pretty deep detail of how i schedule my courses and how you can too!

other tips + updates:

it’s always okay to change your programs!! (ie. major, minor, specialist) don’t let the standard of “a 4-year degree” fool you into thinking you can’t take longer. its always a good idea to look ahead and try to plan, but this age of our lives is when we're changing the most and really finding who we are and what we want to do with the rest of our lives. it's definitely not something to rush.

if you have to do summer courses, or retake courses, or take an extra semester, don't beat yourself up. it happens to 99% of people!

take me for example!! i went into school thinking 100% i wanted to go down the med path, now here i am starting my 3rd year and I'm not so sure. I'm more so looking at doing my masters in physical therapy. you change, life changes, and you find what works BEST for you and the path you want for your life.

ALSO your path doesn't have to be linear, or the typical; if you want to go to med/law/other post grad school, but your grades or extra curricular didn't necessarily cut it, that's okay! maybe you'll work somewhere for a year or two and go back to school and get in. basically what I'm trying to say is if there is a career path that you love, don't give up, and don't think you have to get there the same way as someone else did.

currently, my fall courses are all completely online (minus 1 in-person tutorial) i hope most of you will be in-person, unlike me. but i'll continue to post both online and in-person study tips as the year progresses.!

LIFE BESIDES SCHOOL

this summer i was lucky enough to work as an online PT, and this will probably continue part time into the school year. besides my other social accounts kinda blowing up, working on Syrse Dawn, I've been crazy busy with everything. I'm a little worried about balancing everything come the school szn, but as usual, i always prioritize my school work

we love academic validation haha....no but seriously, i love learning and school, and doing well has always been important to me, so while my work is important, mental health and school come first.

right now some passion projects and summer bucket list things I've been working on are finishing a current novel I'm writing (haven't finished writing one since 2015), reading 1 more book, filling a sketchbook, going for a sunrise swim and honestly just spending as much time with my friends as fam as possible!

• • • • • •

like last year, i’d love to create a chain of studyblrs doing an update like this, sharing their courses for the year, how they organize them, updates + more! so if you get tagged, add to this chain + tag 5 more studyblr accounts!!

i’m tagging: @studyblr @felix-studies @studyingatsunrise @luminous-studiess @starrystvdy @studylustre

if you have any questions for me, my ask box is always open! i answer all the questions in my ask, so don’t be afraid to hit me up there

hope this helps you a little bit and you get to learn a bit about me xx

[insomniac-dot-ink]

Breadcrumbs

It was Saturday night so you knew it wasn’t going to be a good time. I mean, someone would probably be having a good time, but that was usually the problem. I work as an EMT downtown and a “good time” didn’t always turn out right for everyone. Weekends in particular often saw a good number of drunken brawls, passed out Freshmen on lawns, people accidentally locked out of their homes and close to frostbite, and all sorts of mild concussions.

I had been dreading this particular day for the entire week. Madison is a college town, meaning that most of the population is young adults trying to get a degree in psychology or international relations or getting alcohol poisoning by the age of 22. It also meant that when things happened at the college, the rest of the city felt it.

It was the weekend after finals and we felt it. The night before had seen a tiny girl in a rainbow shirt puking in the ambulance three times (and on me) and a pre-law student having a nervous breakdown over their test results while I asked them over and over what they had taken. And at the very end of my shift around 3 am a frat boy tried to punch me and then cried, asked to call his mom, and fell asleep all in the span of ten minutes.

I was actually one of those students just a few years earlier with the same panic and sleep-deprived wildness in me. I tried my best to help with sutures and calming words and a very large puke bag. “Doctor” had been the dream job since I was old enough to google youtube videos of live-surgeries, but getting to “Dr. Braginsky” was a thing far in the future.

For now, it was just me and my crew and the frigid streets.

It was the regular gang that night for the Ford pick-up rig: Mary Keynes who was at least forty but drove like hell and texted her kids every few hours. She had been there longer than any of us and often regaled us with the story of how she left her husband and decided to make several “life changes.” Driving an ambulance was one of those changes.

And then there was the other paramedic on duty: Jimmy Newark. He wasn’t even that interested in medicine as far as I knew and worked as an accountant during the day. He told us he just wanted something to fill his nights and was a slow-talking calm man with a sad-dog look about him, like he had been kicked a few too many times as a puppy. I also knew that I only ever saw him really come alive was when he was staunching a head wound or trying to resuscitate an old lady from heart failure.

It seemed he got some weird thrill from it, but he was good at his job so I never said anything.

It was me, Mary, and Jimmy. We were pretty chummy at that point and worked well together and the first few hours flew by.

We picked up a kid with a badly sprained ankle after he took a spill on some black ice and visited two seniors who had taken some party drug that had them picking at invisible scabs and babbling. I didn’t think anything of it.

It was a ten hour shift and we were four hours in. Downtown was all lights and red faces and bad music coming from somewhere. I had my flash cards out. I had been studying for the MCAT for almost a year and a half by that point and being an EMT was good practice, but it wasn't a replacement for the actual book knowledge med school would take. And I kept getting nervous.

My hands are steady and there was no end to my fascination with the weird things of the human body, but thinking about testing into competitive schools like Johns Hopkins always got me a little stomach sick. I was getting that nervous sick feeling thinking about applications when we got the call.

It came in over the radio and Mary took it right away. I didn’t hear most of the conversation since I was absorbed in my own thoughts and figured it was something like a college student slipping on a beer bottle. But it was different.

“Right, Sherman Avenue.” We made a quick U-turn and turned on our lights just as I stuffed my flashcards away into a separate compartment as to not get in the way. “Good Samaritan call-in.” Mary said over her shoulder, “an injured man off Sherman avenue. Near the park.” Jimmy leaned forward, “Cuts? Broken bones?” “Didn’t say,” Mary said and made a sharp right turn. “He said it might be a homeless guy. That he just looked bad.” “Okay,” I said and mentally prepared myself for any of the “worst” possibilities. There was a relatively small homeless population in Madison, but they were the most vulnerable to violence and the worst of the Wisconsin winter.

We made it in good time to Warner Park and I looked up just in time to see the slate grey skies starting to release little tiny puffs of snow. “Oh great,” Jimmy sighed and looked up with me. “I left one my house windows open.” 

I rolled my eyes and we pulled up to Sherman Avenue with a Goodwill across the street and dark stretches of park on the other. I sighed, “I don’t suppose there was a better tip-off for where this person actually is?” Mary stopped the engine. “Better get out and give it a quick sweep.” We usually only spend a little while looking for an injured person on busy nights like this, but Jimmy pointed first.

“There,” he said and jerked a finger up. “By the light.” There was an upright figure caught in the pure white light of the street lamp on the sidewalk and standing perfectly still. “Is he… hurt?” I asked and squinted and Jimmy was already out of the car. “What are you talking about?” He pinched his gloves on and was running, I got my own gloves on and ducked after him.

“Don’t you want the stretcher?” Mary asked, but I didn’t pause. The man looked like he was standing just fine by himself.

Snowflakes kissed my cheeks softly and I followed Jimmy’s hurried steps toward the figure. “Hold on sir! We’re coming.”

My heart was pounding and I didn’t know why. It beat it in my ears with a hot sticky pulse and my breathing was feverish and far too fast for our light jog. I blinked once, twice, and then the man was farther away. Standing in the light of the next street lamp.

“Wait,” I didn’t like this. I turned to reach for Jimmy, but there was only air besides me. I slowed and looked left and right, “Jimmy?”

Soft snow landed on the tip of my nose and there was a red and visceral scent on the breeze. I took a deep breath of it and recognized the rusty hardened stench of old blood. The type that’s been left there to turn to copper and old musty globs.

I tensed from head to foot and when I looked down there were several tiny drops of blood spattering across the sidewalk. Leading me forward. They were wet and must have been what gave the air a putrid smell.

“Jimmy?” I looked around again, but the street was empty as the wind whipped through the branches of the park trees nearby. I turned to get away from this new eerie twilight feeling.

I took a step and the toe of my shoe dipped into a small puddle of blood. I jumped back, I wasn’t a stranger to blood but it looked darker than normal and seemed to sit...wrong. It was too thick and too shiny in the light.

I stood there as if transfixed, and a soft moan crawled through the space. It matched the wind itself and crooned almost sweetly. I jerked my head up and there was the figure again.

He was standing this time inside the park itself by a bench and tall beech tree. I scanned the area around for Jimmy one more time and then figured maybe he got ahead of me. The moan weaved through the air and I reached out a hand toward it.

“Sir?” The smell of cooking meat and winter chill filled my mouth and I covered my nose with my sleeve. The man stood next to the bench, unmoving, and I tried to be rational, there’s blood. Someone’s hurt. Do your job.

I walked quickly on autopilot to get closer to the stranger. Nothing about him came into sharper focus: he was still a faded silhouette among long shadows. I did notice however there was a light I hadn’t seen before.

It was so faint you might be able to convince yourself it wasn’t there, but it burnt pale and tinted blue around his form. An outline a very determined child might have painted around someone.

I sucked in a deep breath and swallowed down the brackish scent once more as I drew closer to him. Spots of blood appeared as shiny pools on the ground. The moan was even softer now and barely audible.

“I’m here to help.” I heard myself say as I indicated the medical insignia on my jacket. The wind slapped me in the face and I winced.

I looked up and there was no one by the bench, but my gaze was driven deeper into the wooded park by a gentle light. And the figure.

I shivered and knew I needed to turn back, I needed it like water or air or a hug after a long day. But there was this smooth line of blood slithering toward him and I was walking. I tried to make it make sense- I couldn’t just leave the fellow and surely once I had him I could drag him back toward the ambulance and find Jimmy again.

I walked past the park bench and past the leafless trees and some of the slush left over from a storm a few days earlier. The snowflakes caressed my cheeks and I squinted ahead.

The moan was musical at this point and I almost started swaying along to it. I didn’t, but I found that I was still walking and walking.

The park passed by and my eyes were filled with the soft glowing blue light and the deep melodic groan that led me toward the earthy blood scent and faded outline.

I couldn’t tear my eyes away and barely noticed as the landscape opened up. The trees fell away and the wind died down and all I was left with was the smooth ground and shiftless dull winter skies. I was however aware of the crack. There was a crackling, electric sound alike to fireworks or eggshells being crunched on the floor.

The moan fell away altogether and it was quiet with only the crackling of the ground and the lovely blue light that seemed to seep inside me. A strange beckoning feeling followed. “Sir,” I whispered as I finally, finally, reached the outline, “You’re injured…”

That’s all I got out before the thing turned around and something stood before me. Featureless, blank skin and something in the middle of its face like a tearing, violent slash that you might describe as a smile. No eyes, no nose, but a jagged smile that split the face in two with the same sick crackling sound as the ground. Something shifted under me.

I gasped and looked down to see that I had stepped out onto the park lake and that’s when the utter cold swallowed me whole.

Cold and cold and freezing water engulfed my head and my vision went white. I tried to pry my eyes open, but the water was black and thick and there was only the barest hint of shine ahead. A shine like long teeth and something looming and huge just beyond me.

“Ah!” A yell like a battle cry erupted from above and I was being wrenched out of the water just as quickly as I had fallen into it.

I sputtered for air above ground.

“Don’t follow the glowing man.” A hoarse voice wheezed into my ear like a chant over and over. “Never follow the glowing man.” I passed out in a twinkling haze of shaking and murmuring.

----------------------

I was saved by a homeless man sleeping on one of the park benches by the lake. No one on my shift remembered me leaving or where I went. All I knew was that I had followed something thoughtlessly out onto the Warner Park lake and fell in.

I asked a nurse, once, if she thought there was something in that lake, but she just gave me a funny look and said that the lake wasn’t deep enough to house much wildlife. I shut up after that.

In the years that followed I never stopped trying to help people, but sometimes I hesitated now. When it was dark, hard to see, and drops of blood littered the ground. I stopped and listened for melodic moaning in the distance.

I didn’t see anything like it again, but working the ambulance wasn’t the same. I looked around corners too much and jumped too easily at different sounds. I took the MCAT as quickly as I could and things become easier in well-lit fluorescent rooms. 

I do stop whenever I can though and give out blankets to anyone sleeping on the street and avidly tell college students and locals to avoid the lakes at night. And not to follow any trails of blood that lead you onward and onward into the dark.

---------------------

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[aquarianlights]

Im so sorry for your episode. But i want you to know that we still love you and we are here for you.

Oh god, thank you...

Apparently everyone is now. No one is like my ex-es/ex-roommates/parents here....we are family. Actual family. And we take care of each other. And it ...I have a REAL support system for the first time in my life. My friends spent 3 FUCKING HOURS running around sketchy af NOLA backroads to find me last night. And one of them even physically fought me and restrained me. And they took care of me. Everyone took care of me. And then when I woke up today and saw my roommates and met with the friend that dealt with me last night, every single one of them asked me if I was okay and gave me a hug.

And there I was between train tracks/highway...a fence with barbed wire...and a lumbar/solar panel factor...in the back alley...in a REALLY dangerous area...with a broken beer bottle just slicing at my arm with it, telling myself out loud that I didn’t matter, no one cared, etc etc etc....meanwhile all my friends were either out looking for me or texting me/calling me frantically. And proceeded to take care of me through a completely dissociative schizo episode. Like, complete psychological blackout. I have no memories. And they were still there for me in the morning.....helping, checking on me, giving me familial love...

I couldn’t believe it. Yeah, they all told me that I scared the fuck out of them. But. . .normally I just wake up in a hospital in restraints after episodes like that. No. Instead, my support system helped me. Because they know how detrimental those places are to me.

And they’re not deserting me, telling me to leave, adjusting our living situation negatively, giving me a time frame in which I need to get out, kicking me out, calling 911 on me, tying me up, locking all the pills and sharp objects up, treating me like a child.....THEY’RE TREATING ME LIKE AN ADULT. GIVING ME AUTONOMY. WHAT I HAVE NEEDED MY WHOLE LIFE!!!

Instead of forcing me into being co-dependent...and then getting angry at me for being co-dependent when they forced me to be that way in the first place...they’re giving me standards and holding me to them. If I don’t hold up to those standards, I get real-world, adult consequences. Which do not involve being kicked out or locked up or getting things taken away from me or anything...

I’ve never had a situation like this...where people genuinely want to help me. And genuinely want to see me grow as a person and achieve my dreams. And are genuinely supporting me.

There is a way to have autonomy while still accepting help...Still being independent, but working in a pack dynamic. We all have weaknesses, we all have strengths...and everyone in this household and all of our friends....we all complement those weaknesses and strengths. Wherever someone is weak, one or more of us can help. And we do. Hell, one of my roommates and I have “packmate tattoos” as we are platonic soul mates and have been since teenagers and all of us have “packmate” necklaces we all got about a year ago. And everyone we welcome into our irl fremily gets a packmate necklace. They’re from the gem and lapidary shop in the french quarter...they’re these wolves engraved into different kinds of stones hung on a black string. We all have different colour/rock style wolves, but they’re all the same engraving and the same string.

And this is so..........wonderful. I have a family. I have a real family here....and I can prosper here.

And I have this wonderful support online, too. A whole family online who is behind me. And a handful of online family equivalent to what my irl fremily is.

If only super suicidal, depressed teenager me could see 25 year old me now. I’m gonna be finished with my degree after this spring semester...and transferring to a pre-med program in Tulane University. Coz I decided...fuck the tech program, fuck the underling studies...that’ll just take 2 years of getting ANOTHER AA.......when I already have an AA...and can just go on to my pre-med BA automatically......why am I starting over like this? Tech school is pointless. My logic was flawed. I’m aiming to be in a surgical residency by the age of 35 or before. I have a kinda disadvantage there since most students start their residency at 26. But...I also have an advantage, like one well-known doctor told me that I e-mailed. So...he said I should just start now. And my adviser said the same thing. And my career counselor said the same thing. Drop all the tech classes and go straight pre-med. My degree combined with my GPA will allow me entrance into almost any pre-med program I want. I’m only choosing Tulane U because it’s closest. And it doesn’t matter where you get your AA and bachelors...it starts mattering when you get to your masters, and ACTUALLY matters when you get to your doctorate. Idk where I’ll physically be after I finish my bachelors...so Idk where I’m gonna go after that...but I will worry about that later.

And getting a job when I come back on the 4th...in a clinic...and internships and shadowing.... And I’m getting nexplanon replaced next week...and switching my medicaid...and updating everything and I found a place that SAFE HRT here...so I’m going to a session there to have all my work from my PPH HRT doctor transferred there to let them look at it and determine together whether it’s safe for me or not. Coz the PPH HRT doc is leaning towards HRT not being safe for me...so I’m kinda disappointed in that. But..... there are other ways to transition. And, as my PPH HRT doc said, if HRT isn’t an option for me, we can find other ways for me to transition. And my dog is gonna be home with me finally... And I will be finding a pscyh and doc here for medication management, etc. . .

Everything is falling into place so nicely for me...and I ...I can’t believe it’s happening. And I’m fucking....happy. Wow. I still have downs, like yesterday, but......majority of my life is happiness and motivation and energy and ...a beginning of stability.

God, if only teenage me could see me now. If early 20′s me could see me now. If 24 year old me could see 25 year old me.......

I never woulda guessed in a million years............

I am honestly the luckiest guy alive. I can’t believe I have an irl family that loves me and an online family that loves me. It’s unreal. And both support me and that is just........unbelievable to me.

Thank you, nons. Messages like this keep me going...keep reminding me that maybe I’m worth something in this life.

Thank you. I cannot thank you enough. Thank you...

[jillicns]

hey hello!! i’m jules and i’m supremely miserable rn bc i’ve been out of uni for the summer for two and a half weeks so far and legit none of my friends live nearby ( & i’m surrounded by snakes kill me pls ) but i’m pumped to be here and to tell you all about jill/jilly bean/a sweetheart™ !! so without further ado ( ?? ) here’s the important stuff but it’s still gonna be a wild ride:

she probably smells like watermelon and roses

.. make what you will of that statement bc idek what i’m trying to get across there lmao

a smol bean with a love for living things

a walking safety hazard whenever she indulges in a whole bottle of wine within a half hour

@ her heavyweight acquaintances: you’ve been warned

grew up the second of four children in an upper middle class family

not rly spoiled but she was privileged nonetheless

used said privilege to get wildly expensive garden supplies, medical journals, etc.. just a lot of good stuff in jill’s opinion, a wonderful investment indeed

can u hear me roll my eyes??

lOVES PLANTS

like she has two shelves and a window pane in her room cOVERED in cacti and herbs and other lil plants ( also has an unexplored kink for bonsai trees, she’s obsessed™ with them )

works as a florist to pay her bills/help her save up for med school and genuinely loves her job, loves the owner, just loves it all

pre-med graduate near the top of her class ( despite being a “c’s get degrees” kinda gal, she’s so in deep with bio clearly ) from ubc and is the happiest soul bc of it

she’s clever with constantly changing approaches to honesty, the irritability of a thirty something year old mother whose kids never stop, looking into the logical side of things a bit too much sometimes, and rly just the most intrusive and overly doting mom friend you’ll ever have

but she’s super easygoing when she’s not in mama bear mode, sincere, always smiling, and is generally comfortable with herself

the type to call herself out but at the same time have a hard time admitting she’s wrong about who won the 1977 stanley cup ??

always there if you need someone to talk to and only hopes it’s reciprocal

bc jill’s been through some shit these past couple of years hOLY

long story short, her mom, aunt and uncle ( by marriage ) were lowkey drug dealers working out of their family-owned antiques shop

no one in the family knew for the longest time, but the huge wads of cash that her mom claimed were from commissions for selling some of her paintings ( also, mama macrae’s an art hoe working in a small gallery ) didn’t always go unnoticed

this happened from when jill was seventeen to just before she turned twenty one

bc that’s when they got arrested for drug trafficking

they’re in the middle of the trial and jill p much ran away from the disaster that is her family rn

bc she can only take so much, she’s but a smol bean

paying for lawyers for his wife, helping to put a kid through uni and keeping up with expenses for basic needs for two other kids and himself had her dad struggling to make ends meet, so jill started working at the florist’s to pay for her education

she even moved into a smaller apartment because she still wasn’t making enough in her opinion and debated taking a couple of years off of school

currently lives off of your standard struggling student diet, subtract the occasional large gfangs bc she has to invest in her medical journals ofc

also watches over the munchkins and goes above and beyond for them bc she loves her family sm, even though this whole thing’s reaching a breaking point

saw that her dad couldn’t put much into their resps so she started adding some of her earnings to it bc she wants them to do well later on and every cent counts ??

she’s the apothecary for a reason, she’s just really selfless for the people she cherishes

so she’s making the most of the vacation here bc she hasn’t gotten a real break from everything and just wants to be pampered for once

last couples of quick facts

loves memes but also fucking hates memes

send her kermit memes and she’ll prob go on a tirade js

would die for sarah reese, aka probably the only tv doc that foreshadows her future as a med student lmao

pasta is her fave

like make her a pasta dish on the second date and she’ll contemplate marrying you then and there

prob the only adult that can still stomach cotton candy, also prob the only person that can eat peeps without complaining about them being death via sugar

caffeine hoe

art hoe

science hoe

a hoe of all trades tbh

doesn’t understand the hype behind some viral songs

doesn’t understand the hype behind most things

ok this got hella long so in conclusion,

protect her

don’t tread lightly, but also don’t break her spine pls

that.. was a mess, but that’s basically it! i can’t wait to rp with you guys and if you’d like to plot, just hmu!!

[unsubstantiatedopinion]

Thinking about when I got my IUD. On the information trail of something else, saw a Quiz on a teen health site of which birth control is for you.

I had to work to get the answer I actually Use. Mind, the major change was "I am willing to go to a doc" and then it followed with the legit "I'm cool w my period getting heavier".

Mine started, and has settled back into being fairly light flow, long lasting, and like one day of cramps that are pretty easily managed.

But this quiz when I answers everything else,(thr first time, no clinic) offered me the Sponge on my list. Like yeah yeah condoms at the top of the list.

In 2016 on campus they were stocking both in the dorm bathrooms, external were more popular by a lot. But if you looked up success rates on Planned Parenthood, external had a higher efficacy rating. I figured that it was probably user error, but like, What? Then at a student health fair, I did ask the people at a sexual health table if they knew this, and if they knew why and they didn't. Though they also thought it was probably a familiarity w the device thing.

My sex Ed classes in 8th grade and HS did have us learn how to put a condom on a penis. (My 8th grade was taught by a lesbian and some outside person was brought in for part as well, but we did learn how to make a dam out of a condom as well. Didn't realize that was unusual knowledge.)

On the one hand, the external condom is the one birth control where the expectation is on the man to be dealing with it. And it has the wonderful qualities of being a in the moment sort of thing, very sweeping passionate much flirty. (And while *I* have never successfully done a seductive foreplay with a condom, there's some solid visual potential there.) And it is effective, one of the few things that is both birth control and STI control.

All that is wonderful.

The internal condom, by contrast, is a newer thing. So it hasn't come into the visual lexicon of "seeing this in the bedroom is normal". And tbh, popping it into place is harder to make into a teasing sensous thing. But i think there's more to it than that.

Unlike the other internal birth control methods. Even than the ring or what are some of those retro ones, sponge or diagphram. Once they are in place, they aren't Seen.

Most of the objects that are placed internally have a reputation of being for wives. Partially bc they are less effective(and the stakes of a pregnancy for a married woman are lower.) partially I think bc they are seen to 'break the mood', which you can get away with when you've seen intimately into the other's life, but when you are still in the dating sexy mystique phase culturally you aren't 'supposed to" do.

Which is also Bad.

If you do not feel like you could say to the other person, hey, can we pause or stop this? Don't fuck them.

But the modern methods of birth control, are mainly chemical (and not good vs STI) but their burden is entirely in the woman. Financially, emotionally, physically.

The optimistic version is that, this is women taking control of their bodies and lives.

But, 1. At what cost? And

2. So invisibly.

The unpopularity of the internal condom to me seems like a stroking of a man's ego. And falling into old hetero scripts.

Which is why I am using man and woman mainly here. Lesbians have less use for condoms generally (toys are washable, and gloves are better for hands). The accessabiltiy and flexibility of external condoms, makes them prefered for gay men. Sure the inner ring of an internal condom can be removed for anal sex, butt that is only one of many sex acts avalible to men outside of fanfiction.

But the Straight(tm) script has man pursue woman be innocent. And if she's not innocent, play innocent; otherwise this isn't a date on the good girls path to wedding. Basically if the woman is shown to be experienced it is mark against her, or specifically for the man's enjoyment. (See history of sex work, succubi as a concept, kink, and/or MILFs).

The pill, and even nexplenon or and IUD, are hidden. Sure they are pre-planned taking ones own reigns, but they aren't visible where the action is. (And the pill is way more popular anyhow, and has plausible deniability-its not cause I'm a slut it's for my cramps. Which is a legit use, but is not the Only reason it should be allowed). They also have that 'ready and avalible at any time' quality. Which, could be - unkindly- seen as making The Sex ready for the picking at any time.

By contrast, the internal condom can be a statment, it's a statment that at some point the woman said to herself, "I plan on getting Laid tonight". Probably when getting dressed and choosing a matching set of underwear. But unlike coordinated sets, its something that really is for her, and her protection. (Yes it's possible she is carrying an infection and doesn't want to pass it along.)

It's incredibly loud and enthusiastic consent.

Which, is not the Straight(tm) prefered narritive.

Obviously, it is the Best version of events. But consent is a whole other post.

The main reason I don't go for it myself, besides Covid, is the they are harder to find, more expensive and so it feels more like a waste of money if you don't fuck. And I haven't gone on many dinner dates that might lead to a rendezvous. And wouldn't want that nagging push. (on the other hand, totally see how this pressure is bad on men in Straight(tm) narritive. There lots of transaction happening in any relationship and we really don't think actively enough about it's influence as a culture).

In personal experience, the #1 reason I didn't want hormonal birth control was lack of research on its physical effects beyond not getting knocked up. The "it's not unusual for this to increase depression but also we are just now half a century later actually looking into this". Plus personally the arm stick was a bad fit with my dislike of needles and my need to pick at things. And there was no time of day in college where I would be able to reliably choose to take a pill. Probably 11am but then I'd need to remember to pack it with me and just, I wasn't here for that life.

Which is where we get to the IUD.

The scene, 2016. The context, I had had a condom break (intercrural, which I STRONGLY recommend) but it freaked the fellow out a bit. (He did not suggest an iud, and tbh I don't think I involved him in the decision at all. ) The other context was the 2016 election. And frankly, the Fear that was being drummed up. Not unwarranted, but, there was a spike in IUDs at that time bc people were worried about loosing access to other forms of birth control. And I doubt I was alone in worrying about loosing options in the event of a rape.

I am against abortion as a method of bieth control. But I think the way to not have abortions, is prevention. Abortions that remove a dead fetus or a dieing fetus that are protecting the mother, aren't birth control, that's sepsis management and tragic. Abortions that are only for the girl babies, are birth control and tbh the way to cut down on that animation is cultural change. It's my opinion that if a woman is going in for an abortion, something has Failed Her.

But, I was at a point where my getting pregnant would be really bad. My mental health was in a sketchy place. I was in school. And frankly not terribly employable since a science degree at a bachelor's is still all grunt work.

I looked into what options were avalible. I researched. My mother had, at some point offered to assist in getting a prescription for the pill, framed in the cramps story. Which for my sister IS why she's on it. I lucked out on not having a Catastrophe of a uterus. (Hyperbole but still).

I remember the process of going in.

I remember being Angry that in the pre-appoinment I was told that the policy was you need to get a pregnancy test up to like 2 days before or so. And I set it up so that I have a block to squeeze in this extra appointment on like the day before. I look up what to do before hand, PP recommend taking a painkiller before showing up so it has time to kick in.

I do all the steps. I go in alone. For myself, I don't want non-experts besides me involved. These are things between me, a doctor, and god and/or my/a/my understanding of amoral system.

The secretary was friendly and like, yeah Doc is doing a lot of these. Reassuring. They didn't give me any preprocedure instructions besides this test (and it was also a STI test I don't remember if that was required or I was like heck if I'm here might as well).

But the appointment happens and three plot twists. 1. They've got a better painkiller and would have preferred I hadn't taken an over the counter before. But it all worked out. And frankly the insertion was absolutely fine. Like yeah little pinch but as u recall it it was more like if you pinched a like big chunk of thigh than like finger in a door.

2. There was a med student/intern/person. I was asked if she could be in the room. Not shocking, University hospital is a teaching hospital and I'm totally chill with being a model. She seemed uncomfortable, wanted to go into pediatrics so not really relevant to her I think. Nothing hands on.

3. The thing that made me mad was that I had to take an additional pregnancy test before she would do the procedure. I took the previous test when the intake had suggested. At the same hospital. So it's all their records. And I hadn't had sex in the interim and even if I had, nothing would have had time to implant. Plus, while I recognize that technically IUD can in a few cases be an aborting procedure, by getting a copper iud, I was saying I plan on not having kids for up to the next 10 years. Thinking back on it, maaaaaayyyyybe maybe a test might have seen a pregnancy that might have been floating around to go etopic and all. But no, this felt controlling and paternalistic.

I didn't have a strategy for dealing with it. For demanding and asserting that I just did this. I did say it once, but that wasn't listened to.

And I know that this isn't an unusual or even particularly egregious example. But still.

After was lots of bleeding. I think I basically bled in some capacity for a month or two. Was on painkillers for long enough that i did get some like stomach pain or maybe just worried docs I don't remember except being told to switch to acetominiphine which I don't think works as well for me but resolved whatever the issue was. And I'm a pads person and did get a bit chapped.

After that resolved. I did have one terrifying Surprise Heavy period like a few months later. I bled through a pad. There was crying in the CVS bc there wasn't a absorbtion conversion between tampons and pads and this was all new and scary.

The next month leveled out. Though things were still heavier than pre-iud or now. But not terrible. And I've seen worse. I couldnt use my mom's strategy of the diva cup, which she got on early I think bc it's Wonderful for HEAVY flow. But between never having had success w a tampon and the potential suction removing the thing and ripping out an IUD. Not worth it.

But for the most part it settled out.

But I still think about it.

The good thing was the RELIEF of the Safety of not having to worry about ending up pregnant. Sure STIs are a risk. But back-alley or date rape transference is likely either way and at least I only have to deal with one issue instead if the moralized one. And in chosen partners, frankly they were either rather virginal. Or Defs gonna use a condom. Like, the bf in the IUD times, we still used a condom each time. (I don't know that he's done it, but he had also apperently been planning on getting a vasectomy asap, since like highschool.) The 'i never want kids' was one of the reasons we stopped dating. There were a few other reasons but like they all boiled down to 'want differnt things from the Future' which is why we are friends still.

But things will come up, and I'll remember, I've got a chunk of copper in me.

That knowledge weighs in my consideration of sense of self, and self identity. It feels representative, and significant.

I don't check for the strings as often as I should, and I think they've mostly stayed out of the way.

But this is a significant thing to me.

And a thing that I keep to myself a lot.

But I do Want to talk about it, because it is so Significant.