#this is what happens when im bored at work because i have no tasks

[iguessitsjustme]

Rating The Heart Killers characters again because why not? (Written after episode 5)

Bison - 150/10. You remain great. Every time you unravel a little more, I like you more. Become unhinged. Become terrifying. Become. Bison. (It also brings me a lot of joy every time you do something that brings fear to Kant’s eyes. Very fun for me.)

Kant - 3/10. Mid. You bore me. You’re too perfect. Where is your edge?? I loved your backstory of being a criminal but of course you just did it for Babe. I’ve heard a lot about what you do for Babe but I sure haven’t seen a lot. I need to be shown and not told for this brotherly love to work.

Style - 100,000,000,000/10. Now we’re getting more than just unhinged chaos. We’re getting depth. And I knew you’d be fine with Fadel being a killer as soon as you got over the initial shock. Where Kant has fear in his eyes around Bison, you have understanding and resignation. You know soon it will be too late for you. And as you and Fadel grow closer, the pain that the lies and manipulations will bring only becomes more and more delicious.

Fadel - 849572937493733937293638392747/10. One day. After all the lies and betrayal has passed. After you are finally set free. You will rest. Style will be there and you will feel safe enough to close your eyes and nap. And you will be free. You have done so much and you care so much. You just hide it behind the highest walls. You protect your heart and you try to protect Bison’s heart as well. And I think you know better than anyone how Bison truly is and what he is capable of without someone holding him in check. And you deserve one million hugs from the one you love.

[7s3ven]

Hear me out guys… retired soldiers now bodyguards! task force 141 x spoiled heiress! reader

( just an idea )

You’re like, a nutcase. Your father adores you but sometimes you can go out of control. Like for instance, the time you jumped off a cliff into the ocean below to impress a boy.

Yeah, your father wasn’t very impressed with your behaviour.

On top of your recklessness, your father has enemies who always seem to target you. You’re his obvious weakness and he can’t spend another moment of anxiously wondering if you’re okay while he’s working.

So, he hires the best bodyguards he can find. And they turn out to be retired soldiers from an elite unit known as Task Force 141. Perfect.

You don’t take kindly to being continuously followed by four large men who don’t even try to be subtle. It’s not like taking care of you is easy either. You’re a troublemaker, you always have been since your mother left you for another family (your reckless tendencies tend to stem from the fact that you’re causing trouble to get her to notice you again).

Task Force 141 has had enough when you attempt to sneak out of the house to a party on a Friday night. But it seems apart from shopping and acting like a brat, you aren’t good at anything else.

They hear a crash and someone swearing loudly before you roll off the roof, landing in the bushes right outside the window where the four men have a perfect view of you. They were watching a football came until you interrupted.

Jonny bursts into laughter, slapping Gaz out of amusement, while Price fetches you and forces you back inside.

“You know, your house has a back door for a reason.” Simon utters as he cleans your scratches but there’s a mocking indication to his tone.

“Yeah but like, going out the window felt more cool.” You argue back, furrowing your eyebrows.

“Was it cool when you face planted into the ground?”

You can only pout in annoyance.

From then on, they don’t leave you alone, especially not on Friday nights. You have to deal with being squished between Price and Simon as they watch a boring documentary on… fish? Jonny definitely chose that one.

But hey, you aren’t exactly complaining. Being stuck between the two men means being able to feel their muscles and smell their strong cologne. You tolerate the four men more after they cleaned your scratches from landing in a bush and carried you to your bed.

And so what if you catch feelings? Anybody else in your position would have done the same.

“We can’t date ya, lovie. We’re too old and we work for your dad.”

Do you care? Not really.

“My dad literally hired you because I was a troublemaker. Ya think I give a shit? ‘Sides, the older the better.”

Jonny jabs a thumb in Price’s direction, “Even the captain? You should’ve seen ‘im in his prime. Way better looking.” He hands you a picture that he just happens to have of Price.

You glance at it then lift your head to look at Price. Your lips curve into a teasing smile. “Yeah, you’re right. What happened, Captain?” You joke.

INCORRECT QUOTES FOR THE LAUGHS:

Kidnapper, negotiating with TF 141: We have the annoying heiress. Give us ten thousand dollars and they will be returned to you unharmed

Y/N: Whoa, whoa, wait, you think I’m only worth ten thousand dollars. MAKE IT ONE MILLION–

Price: Y/N, STOP

Simon: Can I be frank with you guys?

Jonny: Sure, but I don’t see how changing your name is gonna help.

Gaz: Can I still be Gaz?

Y/N: Shh, let Frank speak.

Gaz: In your opinion, what’s the height of stupidity?

Simon: *turning to Y/N* How tall are you?

Price: Where's Simon, Gaz, and Y/N?

Jonny: They're playing hide and seek.

Price: Where?

Jonny: I don't think you get how this game works.

Y/N: You really put aside everything and came all this way for me? How did you even get here so fast?

Simon: Several traffic violations.

Gaz: Three counts of resisting arrest.

Jonny: Roughly thirteen cans of energy drinks.

Price: Also, that’s not our car.

[i23kazu]

♡ GENSHIN MEN & STUDYING WITH YOU

characters. xiao diluc kaeya childe wriothesley lyney alhaitham x gn!reader genre. romantic fluff. an. i need motivation. they are my motivation | please reblog!! im getting back into writing and reblogs with tags and comments will make me want to write more :D

xiao

he's the one who's a all the noise-cancellation, blacklisted apps kind of student. everything is on lockdown and on do not disturb mode – please don't disturb him. poke him with your pen and you'll just see him roll his eyes at you– no, seriously- it's not worth it! however, xiao is also a really good student ; always on task, even on the subjects that he absolutely despises. ask him to tutor you and he might grumble and groan, but what happens when the tutor falls in love with his student?

diluc

possibly the class rep. studying with him is a express ticket to resources that teachers had given him because of his high-class status. he's not proud of it – he believes that each student deserves the chance to have the same access as him – which is why he's willing to share it with you as well. we didn't even have to meet up, you could just have sent it over- you whine, but the tinge of crimson on his cheeks is a telltale sign that perhaps he needed- no, wanted, this excuse.

kaeya

the teasy study buddy. watch him annoy the hell out of you– you know he's teasing, but sometimes it hurts. "haha, i thought i taught you this already? does the little bunny not have enough space in there?" he taps your head with his pen. it's only when your face crumples and you start to mumble out apologies, teardrops cockling your paper – that he panics. "shit- i'm sorry– how can i make it better?" he wipes your tears away. he makes it up with a sweet kiss and a stack of gift cards to your favourite cafes.

childe

he's the friend who keeps you going, truly. if sunshine was bottled up and wrapped with a bow and had an orange cap, it would be childe! watching your face fall after staring at algebra simply won't do, no, no. let him lead you as he tugs on your hands outside of the study room, and just let your feet follow in his footsteps – you'll find yourself outside the library cafe. "alright, it's on me! what do you want?" maybe his wallet is a little lighter, but so is his heart, once he sees your face light up.

wriothesley

wriothesley is the one who has it all planned out. first, you'll start studying at 10pm... which is a little late, but it's alright. you'll get tired around midnight, which will be when he offers you the first cup of chamomile. "won't this put me to sleep?" you whine, accepting it from him anyways. he chuckles and runs his hands through your hair, replying that it's never worked on him. true enough, you start getting sleepy around half past one – finally leaning against his shoulder, your arms going slack. kissing your head, he drapes a blanket around you. good night, (y/n).

lyney

the one who sits besides you, cracking jokes every now and then! but when it's time to study, he can buckle down and start doing work –that's just lyney – the human on and off switch. there's something about him doing work while twirling his poker cards in his hands that's just so mesmerising – a stare too long catches his eye, and he starts doing a trick for you. get back to work!, you laugh and playfully swat his shoulder, turning back to your own paper. he chuckles in return, and unbeknownst to you, turns back with a smile.

alhaitham

alhaitham can be stricter as a study buddy – he's stern with distractions, wanting you to keep your phone to the side as he's explaining concepts – yes, concepts you learnt, but never understood. "hey, eyes here. did you understand, or do i need to go through it again?" he sounds bored, and you feel sorry for him. you mumble a soft i understand back, and he sighs and tells you to take a break. "look up." your eyes trail up from your phone, and instinctively close as he presses a sweet kiss to your forehead.

taglist: @tiredsleep @loptido @raincxtter @chichikoi @ladyadii @soulsanta @sheiiths @genshinparty @eowinthetraveler @moonbyunniee @legitnoi @lemontum @manager-of-the-pudding-bank @starz222 @ilyuu @cherry-colored-petals @mondaymelon @tartaglia-apologist @soleillunne @m1shapanda @aimynx @smokipoki @adeptuscharm @diorlumx @vennnnn-diagram @ryuryuryuyurboat @yuminako @st0pthatsgay @aqualesha @sixtynintharchon @supernova25 @kunikuda-simp @starglitterz @rin-nyrasti-writes @mxyarylla (send ask/comment to be added to taglist)

reblogs w/ tags & comments help me lots !!! if you liked this, consider dropping me a follow as well :-)

[sp25]

in the trunk

pairing: simon ‘ghost’ riley x f!reader

summary: you do it in the trunk with your lieutenant, Ghost

warnings: 18+ this is sexually explicit, do not read this or interact with my blog if you’re a minor. do not copy or use ai on my shit, i'll find out. consists of kissing, sex (m&f), name calling, slight breeding kink, cumming inside, cursing. I am not responsible for your media consumption.

a/n: another one. yes. took me a lot of time. please comment and reblog. It really encourages me to write more smut for yall. Please! I’m desperate ;( also inspired by another character ai response. This time it was a character called “Ghost” by @Faunnaa. Please go and support them too. (also please dm me, im bored)

You had been a part of the Task Force 141 for about 2 years now. You had developed a pretty close bond with your comrades. But, you always had your eye on one specific person, Ghost. To an outsider, he might seem like a ruthless, heartless, unemotional person but, you understood and related to him. You felt his pain when no one else did.

You worked with Ghost but, you didn’t have a close relationship to him like Soap did. You always dreamt to be with him though it seemed like those dreams would stay dreams forever.

Until, Task Force 141 was sent on a mission hours away, the military trucks loaded with soldiers. The mission was smooth, until one of your men made the wrong move and jeopardized the whole operation, forcing you to flee almost immediately.

Everyone was running to the trucks and you just so happened to be one of the last along with Ghost. No actual seats were left, so you had to resort to the trunk. “Bloody hell..” He cursed, Before jumping in and pulling you onto his lap to reserve space.

You were shocked. You hadn’t excepted this. You couldn’t believe what Ghost just did. You had no say. But you knew better than arguing or going against him so, you stayed quiet while you sat in his lap.

Soon, you started feeling congested. To get more comfort, you started changing your position. “fucking hell..” Ghost groaned under his breath. He held onto your hips and forced you to stay still on his lap with your head on his chest.

Ghost didn’t say a word. He was pissed off and annoyed at the whole situation of the mission being cancelled. He didn’t like being in a position of weakness. But he also couldn’t deny the fact you were on his lap. He knew you hadn’t had the best day either so he kept quiet. You felt his chest move slowly, as he breathed.

But, the day wasn’t so good for you either. Your closet friend, Sam and more had gotten injured and killed during the failed mission. You were heartbroken. But, seemingly, Ghost’s warmth and hold seemed to comfort you. You needed more now.

“ghost? could you please hold me?” You sniffled, hoping he would accept. You knew that your lieutenant would make fun of you. You waited for your embarrassment to come.

Ghost wasn’t one for displays of affection at all. But he saw you were sad. He wasn’t that much of a dick to blow you off this time. You felt him move his body slightly to face you whilst holding you. He put a hand on the bottom of your chin and lifted you up. Your eyes met, the moonlight pouring in from the cracks of the trunk illuminated him.

You looked up at him with your glossy teary eyes into his cold emotionless ones. “Come on, get it together.” He said bluntly, in his trademark gravelly accent. “A soldier doesn’t fall apart just because of a cancelled mission.” He had the same stone face he always wore. But there was a subtle softness behind his cold demeanor, he cared.

You could feel his cold heart’s walls slowly crumbling. So you decided to take advantage of it. “I feel so scared..” you whispered under your breath. You couldn’t control your emotions anymore.

“Don’t worry, I’m here..” He mumbled, sounding slightly warmer than usual. He pulled your head onto his chest, where he continued to caress your cheek.

His touch seemed to send waves of goosebumps to your skin. You could feel your heart racing. “I don’t want to be alone today..” you softly said, hiding your face in his chest.

Ghost’s gaze shifted downwards, the sound of your breath was soothing. He couldn’t deny how pretty you looked in this position. In the back of his mind he knew that this was wrong, as a soldier he shouldn’t be getting distracted by something like this. But he also couldn’t help but feel the heat of your skin against his own.

“Shh, you’re not alone now..” He muttered, pulling himself closer in the cramped space. You felt his arm wrap around your lower back, pulling you into his embrace. His touch was tender, which was a side to him you hadn’t seen before. In all honesty, the whole situation was sweet. A comforting presence in a place where you felt vulnerable, all the whilst you were held by someone so attractive.

“No one else can see us right?” You whispered carefully. You knew that if anyone saw you both, in this position, it would destroy both of your careers.

“Nope.. unless somebody can open this damn trunk..” He sighed. “Even then, what are they gonna do? Tell on us to our Lieutenant?” He chuckled with a slight smirk. This was his ‘flirty’ side, he was testing the waters.

For the first time after a while, you smiled. “you ain’t wrong there.” You laughed softly as you said that, which made Ghost smile too. Gosh, his smile sent your fucking heart dead. You just couldn’t believe that he smiled.

“I feel like I should kiss you..” That was a little too forward. He realised that the moment the words slipped out of his lips. You felt the heat rise and your heart racing, but for some reason you actually wanted him to do it. A tiny smile played on your lips.

You had never imagined that your dreams would become a reality. You knew you had achieved what you desired. You softly nodded your head, unable to form a response cause how much you were blushing.

“That’s all the yes I need..” He softly said before leaning towards you and pressing his lips on yours. It was everything you could have imagined and more. The feeling of his strong hands, his body against yours, and his kiss sent you into a trance. His scent was intoxicating, along with the feeling of his rough tongue against yours. His hand ran through your hair, as he held you close. This was your dream come into reality.

You both were meant for each other. You held onto his armour as the kiss became more heated. His kiss made your already desperate pussy more wet. You moaned softly.

You broke the kiss and glanced at him, your gaze locked with his. You felt as if you were still in a trance, he had swept you off your feet. “You want me now..?” He whispered, a smirk played on his lips. You were speechless. This was like a movie scene, in a good way. A good soldier, a sexy, charismatic man, and a mission gone bad. Couldn’t get better really.

“Yes.” You whispered with such surety. You were never ever going back to being away from Ghost ever again.

“This is a bad idea..” He mumbled, but he also knew it was too late now. He pulled you in for another kiss. This time it was much more intense and you could practically see the sparks between you.

He picked you up, and shifted you around in the trunk in order to find a more comfortable position. You didn’t even care how tight it was by this point. He sat you on his lap, and moved himself so he had his back against one wall, and his legs against the other. He then pulled you close again, and kept kissing you.

He smirked and pulled you closer in his arms. The tension had built up throughout the day, but now those feelings had resurfaced once more. His hand gently brushed your cheek, and ran through your hair. He was a little rough, but it was what you liked.

You could feel his bulge against your thighs. He broke the kiss and pressed his forehead against yours. “going to let me fuck that pretty pussy of yours solider?” He whispered smirking.

“yes sir..” you responded blushing. Ghost pulled away from the kiss briefly. “Are you sure? We’re in a.. trunk.” He mumbled, not even sure himself what he was saying. You just nodded your head unable to form words.

“Such a good girl for me”, He smirked as he unzipped his pants, pulling out his hard throbbing cock making it hit his abdomen.

You in amazement, put your hand on it and started stroking it as his precum got over your hands. You could feel how hard it is and how it twitched in your hands. You realised he needed you as much as you needed him.

“take it off.” He ordered. You know exactly what he meant. You pulled down your tight leggings revealing your lacy black lingerie underneath.

“fuck..” he muttered under his breath. He pressed his fingers over your wet panties. “so wet for me love..”, he softly pushed aside your panties so he could have access to your needy cunt.

“Alright..” His hand traveled down your body and caressed your thigh. He kissed your neck and then gently nibbled your earlobe. He felt your breathing speed up, and took it as a sign that you were enjoying what he was doing. He continued to kiss your neck gently, nibbling softly with his lips, and then your chin. A soft moan left your lips, and he smirked.

He held onto your hips tightly that you were sure that it would leave bruises. He moved you so that you were right on top his cock.

He slowly pulled you down on his hard cock. You moaned softly feeling his cock stretching you out so blissfully. You could feel how thick his girth was.

He kept pulling you down in his cock until he was all in while he kept muttering curse words cause how tight and wet your pussy wet for him.

He started kissing you passionately and aggressively as he started thrusting into you but ensuring that his cock went fully inside each time making you moan.

“so fucking tight for me..” He groaned into your ears as his thrusts seemed to get more aggressive and faster. But, your moans seemed to get louder so he pressed his hand tightly against your mouth. “shh..” he whispered in your ears as his cock went so deep and hard into you.

You were going dumb cause how good it felt. His cock was hitting the right spots each time. He spanked your ass couple of time before he started playing with your clit too now.

You were a mess. Your mind was clouded with thoughts about him only. He kept muttering and whispering sweet nothing in your ears, while he kept his hand pressed against your mouth.

But, suddenly you felt his slams into your hips become harder, you knew he was about to cum. “gonna let me cum in your wet fertile cunt for me? yeah love?”, you nodded your head unable to form words.

“cum for me love, cum.” You immediately felt yourself cum as your eyes rolled back in pleasure. You could felt the hot thick spurts of his cum fill your womb. He kept thrusting in you softly as you both rode out your high.

He laughed softly and smiled. So did you. His eyes had a hint of lust still present in them. Round 2 was just about to begin.

The rest of the ride was filled with soft laughter and heavy breathing. After it was done, Ghost looked at you affectionately. “Well.. that was something.” He chuckled.

He slowly pulled out of you and you could see him cum leaking out your pussy. Ghost watched it with fascination as he softly pressed his fingers on your leaking hole and whispered in your ears, “can’t let a drop go to waste..”

You smiled softly and whispered, “I can’t believe we fucked in a trunk.”

“And nobody will ever find out. We really have to keep this a secret. We’re in the same unit, that would be bad..” He whispered, he wanted to be with you. The mission meant nothing now, in his mind he had already decided he wanted you. In his head, he knew the chances were small, but he was going to make his move now, and see how you reacted.

“I know..” you whispered. “You don’t look upset about it..” He smirked, the moonlight still pouring in to illuminate his gorgeous face. He tilted his head up slightly, studying you with a smirk. He could see your cheeks were red, and your hair was slightly disheveled. Even if you looked like a mess, you looked adorable to him.

“What can I do, I can’t seem to stay away from you..” you smiled blushing. This was the answer he had been waiting for. He raised an eyebrow and smirked. “Really?” He chuckled nervously. The answer was obvious but he wanted to hear you actually say it. You were a good girl and he was a bad boy, and he knew that. He felt guilty by doing this to you but it was too late, he couldn’t deny himself what he wanted.

Before you could respond, the truck came to a halt and you heard the engine turn off. Then the sound of multiple boots hitting the floorboard was heard. “Everyone out! We’re back at base..” one of your fellow soldiers yelled. You and Ghost both looked at each other awkwardly. You had spent the past few hours making love (more like fucking like rabbits), now you were being greeted with the outside world again.

The truck had reached its destination, base camp. You felt sad. Reality hit you like a literal truck. “well this was fun..” you whispered trying for sound not sad, you opened the trunk.

“Mhmm.” Was all he was able to reply with. He was deep in thought. His heart was saying to ask you out, but his mind knew it wasn’t the right time. “Right.. Uhm I should go and debrief with the others. I’ll see you around okay.” He got up and took a step outside the truck.

“okay.” You muttered as you admired him. You didn’t know when you would get the chance tone this close to him again so you kept looking at him, memorising his face.

You softly got out of the trunk and stood on the ground. You felt so sore and it was tough for you to walk. You could feel his cum still inside of you.

You heard the click of the truck trunk closing and then you were alone. Slowly, you dusted off your uniform. You wanted to be angry with him, but deep down you secretly enjoyed the afternoon. You were just starting to get over him when you spotted him. Ghost was walking over to his tent, he noticed you looking at him. He shot you a wink, and then disappeared. You sighed and made your way back to your tent.

[cauli-is-awake]

life series theorising (spoilers ahead beware)

////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

i like lore and was bored so i compiled this neat lil theory about the life series'.

the main thought in this is, what if it was meant to end with secret life?

and that's why it was so different from the other series before? it was meant to be a big dramatic finale from the watchers and it got fucked up by the players still, and that's why we have wild life -where the watchers are angry and have completely let loose- .

think about it, the really obvious watcher reference in the secret keeper, no more mystery and controlling the games ominously from the shadows, they were directly "we are in control and doing this to you". the tasks getting harder and building up to the final "win secret life" it's so much an order than any other finale:

third life "there can only be one winner" -grian desperately wants to remain in his desert peacefully with scar but is forced to give it up to make it so there is only one winner as the watchers intended. even his jump of the cliff is an act of defiance, killing himself on his terms.

last life "i've spent all season being honourable, im not about to stop now" -scott isn't in a bloodlust like many other players, he is defying the watchers, not by living on peacefully (for he knows that isn't possible) but by having a fair match, being honest and never betraying allies and ending it in a similar fashion, the watchers are furious and strike him down for defying them, vowing to end this treachery.

double life "tilly death do us part" -pearl is given the win by scott. in lore you cant tell me that wasn't purposeful a pairing, and after sessions and sessions of fighting it all comes to an end with scott's sacrifice (already going against the watchers in not going with his soulmate and again by killing himself). the watchers are hoping, WAITING for this full scale fight that never happened. and the worst part is, PEARL FORGAVE HIM. they made up. the watchers are fucking pissedddd.

limited life "this is a death match for a reason" -martyn in the watchers grasps is common is lim life fics, and it leans into that build up of wanting control and watching players thwart it every time, so they full on possess a player and make him win the way they want, with betrayal and violence (even better the players were trying to organise another "fair fight" between the final three). They brought back the boogie, maybe that was there anger festering and they had to cause more chaos and bloodshed and on such short notice just borrowed from Last life? Even the life gimmick of lim life kinda feels like a hint at the near end, time is counting down like the watchers patience and willingness to play, once the countdown (limlife) is over, the finale begins. This time the game ends as the watchers want BECAUSE they interfered, proving to themselves they still control the games.

then we get to secret life and everything is meant to end:

jimmy isn't the first to die (canary curse)

scotts alliance breaks apart (his loyalty is finally tested)

a substantial amount of murder from non reds (boogey apocalypse)

in secret life everything changes

BUT IT DIDNT (dun dun dun)

LIZZIE DIED FIRST BUT WAS STUCK IN THE VOID, CANARY CURSE CONTINUES

GEM AND THE SCOTTS FALL APART IN THE BOOGEY APOCALYPSE BUT SCOTT IS STILL LOYAL AND LAYS DOWN HIS LIFE FOR GEM

AND PEOPLE SURVIVE THE BOOGEY APOCALYPSE, SO THE TASK FAILS

(i could draw more differences but this is enough example for me)

so their big dramatic finale failed

maybe that's why scar lived?

the watchers forgot him in the secret life world in their rage

UNTIL WILDLIFE:

when they are throwing everything at them possible (WILDNESS)

(atleast this time it seems to be working if mumbo's death is anything to go by)

thanks for listening to my yapping ^-^

i love drawing silly conclusions from the series

[str4ngr]

STARTERS [ SIMON 'GHOST' RILEY ]

cw: none, strangers to lovers, first meeting, not beta read, might be military inaccuracies because im not in the military, medic! fem!reader. notes: i've worked so hard [exaggeration] to make this look cute but ik its gonna devolve in 0.5 seconds. this is part one of a series. words: 1,065.

"This won't be easy."

A fair warning, a meager one too, from your new, technically, superior, Kate Laswell. You had accepted her offer as a combat medic, seeing as their next mission was supposed to take months. But those months weren't even this year, they were the next.

This year, it was your mission to become familiar with your crew, have a starter and a taste.

Considering you've dealt with plenty of irritable, ill-mannered patients in the E.D. before, it shouldn't feel so stuffy when you enter the base. You I.D. card was scanned, and you were permitted entry past the intimidating security guard who's eyes nailed you like you were his prey. You might've been.

Heels clacking, you rushed to your new office,

MEDICAL WING

A sign read, in red, right above your head. You wanted to feel like you were walking into a new life, but the stares and exhausted attempts at a smile the veteran nurses tossed you made a breath you didn't realize you were holding leave.

Luckily, offices were assigned, and yours was on the first floor.

Empty and quite sad, you tossed your backpack and purse onto your desk, which didn't even have a chair, and put your hands on your hips. Laswell had told you that they wouldn't be back until evening, it was morning.

It felt like walking into your first job, gingerly taking your steps to the staff lounge where you introduced yourself to the nurses who were lounging. They returned the gesture graciously, luckily understanding of your nerves.

Soon enough, your actual superior came to greet you, smiling and laughing with the rest of the staff as she raved about you. As soon as basic information was given, you were tossed out of your nest, bidding you a good flight. The ED never waits for anyone after all.

⚬

As your first day ended and your night began, you sat in your office, which you finally got a chair for, to sift through paperwork. Boring things never really last for long, and as much as you'd like to one-go your work, it definitely wasn't happening. Especially when your sweet nurses and the other doctors bombarded into your office, playfully asking, more like dragging, you to come with them to the mess hall.

It's impolite to say no, isn't it?

It was fun. It was like being in high school again, smiling and giggling before everyone leans into to whisper, bursting back out into laughter. Oh, and it was juicy. Real juicy, juicier when they mentioned him.

"Ghost?"

You ask, tilting your head as you raise a brow, "What kinda' callsign's that?" There was a strange inkling of familiarity of the name, just right under your nose. The nurse who was telling the story went wide-eyed, grinning at you,

"Oh, honey, he's the one with the skull mask."

The mask. The fucking mask.

Everyone could see it, how you face paled like snow, your head dropping as you gawked at them. They all laughed at your reaction, it was quite comical, though they found it funnier for reasons different than yours, teasing, "I haven't even said the story yet!"

Well, Laswell did. God, were you stupid? He was from Task Force 141! They all, allegedly, saw him in the gym, allegedly lifting double his weight, and allegedly you were blushing at the idea of the number, allegedly. And that was essentially the whole story. The nurse beside you poked as he cooed at you,

"Aw, does the doctor have a crush on her first day?" Laughing as you smacked his arm playfully, a stupid grin on all of your faces. The conversation moves on, talking about the soldiers that got into a fight, and how funny it was when one got a rhinoplasty. It felt like you were half-present, like a fever dream as your thoughts swirled together. Maybe your shift was a little too long.

But you couldn't stop thinking about him, your fork spinning the lukewarm pasta as you blandly laughed with your caffeine-high colleagues. Was he really that fascinating?

You couldn't stop thinking about him, your fork spinning the lukewarm pasta as you blandly laughed with your caffeine-high colleagues. Was he really that fascinating? Your mind ran with every though, you hadn’t even seen him today, and yet here you were imagining him, strong, tall, muscular. And of high status? he sure seemed like the pear most imaginative women would like.

But you can't expect him to be a perfect romance lead, especially the more you listened, seeing as he was quite the topic.

Everyone else seemed to just know him, know him in the sense that he was a figure of admiration. The strongest, the fastest, the most intricate, coolest man on one of the greatest task forces affiliated. They knew every little intricate detail of his service. But you didn’t. You don’t even know what they mean by a ‘skull mask’, was it a full skul? does he do face paint like a 3-year-old? You've never seen him, not that you were reluctant to the chance to.

Maybe you were insane, especially since there was the entire rest of the task force for you to get familiar with too. Well, he was one of them so you should go one by one, right—

"Ya' like to talk, dinnea ya?"

You twitched at the voice, "Scottish," You thought to yourself, "John 'Soap' MacTacvish." Laswell had some comments about him, mostly about his inability to speak understandable English, and his refusal to get a military standard haircut, aka he has a mohawk. But it wasn't just the Scot, the devil answered when his name was called.

Simon 'Ghost' Riley.

It was almost as if he knew who you were the moment your eyes met, like a fuse set off between you. Brown eyes, deep like dark chocolate, and cold like the tundra, and more magnetic than any other man you've ever seen, he stared at you, speaking to his friend,

"Seems like they do, Johnny."

Gravelly and low, almost inaudible if it weren't for your fixated ear, his voice whispered to Soap, his eyes never leaving yours. Soap, or Johnny as Ghost had so endearingly called him, grinned, plopping beside you,

"Aye, yer that new medic Laswell's been talkin' 'bout?"

You blink a couple times before you smile, nodding as you introduce yourself. Soap smiles back, polite yet inked with a bit of his eccentric personality, taking your hand into a firm shake. You smile up at the masked figure,

"You must be Ghost, right?"

He gave a bland grunt, not that you expected much more from a quiet man. Soap grinned, ignoring Ghosts lack of proper manners to introduce himself. With small conversation, they left, almost.

Although he walked away, he never left your mind, and you never left his.

⚬ ☠︎︎ ⚬

i think i'm just gonna set the reader to female bc ik i'm eventually gonna do suggestive bits so it'll be easier in the long run. lmk if you have any ideas for simon. [or the others i wrote about!!] also lmk if i should make a taglist. [part two]

EYES THAT HOLD SECRETS

directory

[satocidal]

what do you think jjk men will be like in a haunted house with you?

since its October now its fitting to talk about halloween :D

qn for u!! do you like horror movies?

i personally wanna like em but im so scared of em :/ esp the jumpscares i hate em but surprisingly i can watch a gory zombie movie without a single flinch its so weird but it only starts and stops at zombie movies. i cant watch any other types of gory movies <\3

Not me sending an ask just as I got this😭 but ok ok here we go<3

Gojo Satoru:

Pretends to be fazed, emphasis on “pretends” because when I say he exaggerates everything? I mean it.

I mean, he’s Satoru you know—obviously he isn’t getting ‘scared’ of anything but he doesn’t let that ruin the vibe for him.

He’s so very obnoxious too- complaining about the price of the tickets and making innuendos about you loudly—poking fun at the staff, all in all, punch worthy.

Inside the house? All the more. For the darkness only ever encourages satoru to cop a feel on you here and there—blaming it all on the ‘brokensms and shitty’ decoration

. He’s a menace through and through so when bored, mid way in the house he’s already on a mission to jump scare the jump-scares — and it works so well, you’re clutching yourself, coughing out broken laughs and he’s entertained too—a win-win situation.

Also starts giving “tips” to the staff onto how to make it successful.

If you ever let out a high pitched scream he’ll try to make you scream louder later, he’s stupid like that.

Geto Suguru:

…why him? Like don’t get me wrong per se but he finds it all so stupid? But to make you happy, suguru geto will comply.

Ps. Suguru is the kind to hook you free tickets just somehow, like he will, don’t question it.

ALWAYS THE GENTLEMAN!!! He will forever hold you close, how so ever less scary it may be and always leads the way and hold your hand. He’s coded that way, nothing can be changed.

Laughs when finally, just finally a jump scare goes past his reflexes and pops out on you guys, surprising him slightly. He will steal it.

Also I think suguru is the kind who is slightly dumb —not obviously but like, he doesn’t get some jumpscares—just doesn’t get it. So when you guys will be walking out, he’ll just go “OH,”

he sincerely doesn’t give two fucks about the haunted house but when you get out, he will ask you if you liked it or no and if you wanted to try that again.

Nanami Kento:

“If you wanted to be scared, I could just show you the amount of work I have pending,” i headcanon that it’s a task in itself to get him to go because ??? Just bake some pretty cookies for yourself Lmao.

Nanami Kento pays full price and through out the way he’s calculating the number of jumpscares that come your way and to see just how much he was charged.

Yeah, Nanami seems scarier than those stupid dressed up guys - especially when you’re trying your best to hold your laugh when a guy thinks Nanami was the jumpscare.

But but but, however mad, he doesn’t break the codes—holds you close, and anytime he feels something is about to happen, he shields you with his body.

And like imagine their is booby trap on the ground (have you guys been to those?) and you notice it before him and help him get away from it? Instant head pats. Bet my ass Nanami is the kind to always and always avoid haunted house from now on and makes you repay in same way *wink wink* afterwards

I was gonna add Sukuna and others too but ehehehe

[p-oisn]

let's get positive ! (⁠ʃ⁠ƪ⁠＾⁠3⁠＾⁠）

(the content below the cut contains mentions of sensitive topics such as implied su*cide & sh so pls scroll if you're uncomfortable w those !)

this is a long rant about life basically .. 💩💩

i was going to make a post like this sometime later anyways bc i felt .. like a nice person ... but i made it a bit earlier than i expected bc i saw a post from oomf that really made me think .. so here u go

this comes from my own PERSONAL experiences and this is js my point of view yk !!! im no expert on any topic HSHSJ this is js the way i cope plz dont come for me in my asks ... i am aware that it isn't the same for everyone but , i hope this message can be helpful to some extent </3

if you feel like like life is leading nowhere n you feel like giving up I PROMISE it will get better bc i felt the same for two whole years n i will say that i have improved a LOT since . yes , it took me longer than i expected but i didn't give up and you shouldn't either ! it was hard n there were times i felt like i wasn't making any progress / improvement but in the end , it still got better

be kinder (to yourself, first) ☆

i think the first step to loving yourself is to forgive yourself .. its okay to try over n over again , you're still human n i think ppl tend to forget that often bc they're so tough on theirselves . let's not forget that your body is actively trying it's best to keep u alive , your WBCs for example ! (let's appreciate these little guys for trying their best 🎉🎉) your body too , deserves to be loved back , for fighting so hard just for YOU! so pls don't hurt yourself in any way </3

appreciate yourself for achieving even the smallest of tasks because even if it wasn't something big , YOU DID IT ANYWAYS ! every small achievement of yours deserves to be appreciated . even if it's momentary happiness , appreciate yourself while it lasts . i understand that sometimes even small things could be such a hassle but you can always reward yourself later ! i personally like to buy donuts everytime i finish something (this could come in handy when you're really craving something if you get what im saying ..)

It's okay if you're going at a slower pace than other people , what matters in the end is that you get it done ! everyone is not the same so it's unfair to put yourself down for such things .. also applies to comparing yourself to someone because in the end you'll still be you .. even if you don't like it .. that makes you unique ofcourse , there's only one of you in this world so embrace yourself for that !! you're one of a kind (⁠◍⁠•⁠ᴗ⁠•⁠◍⁠)

oh, but, life's the same, it's boring ... ☆

yes , a lot of days could end up being the exact same because like , there are 365 days in a year so you can except most of them to be similar .. but as a new year starts , ofc many things change without you even noticing it , you grow older ofcourse , and you could be starting a new year in school , you meet new people and so on ! if you compare your life from a year ago or even a few months ago to now , you'll surely notice a few differences atleast so .. life is not reaaaaally the same right .... everyday is a new experience ! literally anything and i mean anything could happen the next day , you could even win the lottery who knows 🤫

when i felt like everyday was the same , i tried changing my patterns .. (my current favourite thing to do is go on a walk ! sometimes i take my dog w me , it's super fun) i would do small things that i dont usually do like sketch ! or i attempt cooking something new .. but obviously there were a LOT of days where i did nothing , sometimes even weeks , and that's okay ! we all deserve days where we do nothing ESPECIALLY if you're someone who is working or js in school / college everyday .. you deserve that break

i think a big factor is being unproductive ? don't get me wrong , i still am my same unproductive self at times unfortunately , n sometimes they do get so bad that they lead to a terrible burnout .. n i went through a rly bad burnout not long ago n trust me you do not want to get this far :( how do i deal with this ? (let's take studying as an example here) well i always start off with small portions , even if it's just a page or two . n then i slowly keep increasing the amount of pages i read .. n yes ofc , i understand how brutal burnouts can get sometimes n that's why it's important to not overwhelm yourself by attempting to finish a big portion of your studies in one go .. just take it easy , let the information marinate in your head for a bit before you move on to the next topic .. so basically what im trying to say here is don't overwhelm yourself with big tasks especially when you're already burntout

friends .. they're great ☆

the thing that honestly improved my life by a mile is getting good friends .. I've had my fair share of bad friend groups so trust me when I say this , it's better to be alone than with people who drain you mentally because . you deserve someone who treats you the way you actually want to be treated .

"but it's hard to make friends" i completely get this because i am a very shy person myself </3 but i think you could start by trying to make friends online ! its easy to find someone with similar interests on the internet .. so when you feel down atleast you know that there's someone on the other side of the world who cares for you ..

but this doesn't change the fact that solitude is AMAZING too (tbh i could go on for a really long time on how i love being by myself but this is already getting super lengthy ...) you can be your own friend too ! (okay see now this seems insane but if it makes you happy WHO CARES AMIRITE) i personally enjoy my own company like omg .. she can get a good laugh out of me sometimes ... you can do whatever you want when you're alone ! you can dance to your favourite playlist or experiment with a bunch of stuff ! if you get bored you can watch your favourite movie or consume your favourite piece of media that no one gets like you 🤫 so , as much as making friends sounds great , let's appreciate solitude too !!

ah, life can be beautiful sometimes? ☆

one of the biggest reasons i go on walks almost regularly is to remind myself how beautiful the world can be sometimes .. (atp half of this is me convincing you all to go on walks) i live in a beautiful neighbourhood n there are a lot of different flowers and fruits that grow here and that makes me really happy . going on early morning walks especially is soo fun , the world is so quiet then and you can even watch the sunrise 🥹

another thing is buying myself things i like ... especially clothes ... if you think you would look good in something then js go ahead and buy it ! don't mind what other people think because like ... YOU are wearing it and if people around you have a problem with that then i think they should close their damn eyes and not look at you if it bothers them that much 🤦 you deserve to feel confident and comfortable in your own skin , you deserve to dress the way you want to ! so if you feel like dressing a particular way would make you feel better .. GO FOR IT !!! this applies to other things you like, maybe accessories, merch or stationary that look cute .. it's okay even if people judge you for your style because in the end they're the ones who are boring and miserable because they spend soo much time hating on others 😒

life is soo much more fun when you take care of yourself trust me ... you deserve to be taken care of !! so spoil yourself once in a while i promise it's okay as long as it makes you happy <3

to sum it all up .. yes , good times don't last forever but so don't bad times , and you and i both can get through a bad day because life is still going on (⁠*⁠˘⁠︶⁠˘⁠*⁠)⁠.⁠｡⁠*⁠♡ bad times too , will pass . so please believe in yourself and hold on !! i love you

again, this is all how*I* like to cheer myself up so pls don't take anything here in a bad way 😖 all of this was made with good intentions and im so sorry if i still ended up hurting anyone in any way ..

[fairycosmos]

i'm so bored all the time chloe............ any tips? rotting in my room is getting unbearable but going out feels unbearable too 😭

ive been there too and often still am there and what i try to do is break up the monotony of my day with small breaks of doing smth else - you don't have to push yourself to go out at first if that feels too hard, but maybe sit in your living room and follow a 10 min sketch tutorial or wash the dishes or watch a short documentary or do some some stretches. the boredom does strongly persist esp at first, and when your dopamine receptors are fried you just kind of want every activity to end (that's where im at rn) but i will say if you push yourself to do a little something extra every day, no matter how small, your brain starts to come alive again. then you can work on maybe going for a quick 10 min walk or sitting outside for a few minutes each day once you've gotten more comfortable switching up your routine and committing to doing a short hobby or task daily. you don't have to be super passionate about anything you try or anything you do, just having that slight curiosity and need for distraction is enough. there's no timeline for this either, it's just about being consistent i think, and you don't have to shame yourself into making it happen. it's not always easy to commit to change but sometimes i just have to remind myself that there is no life staying in my bedroom 24/7 and that i need to do what i can to work on growing beyond the need to lock myself up in there, because i am only going to be alive for a finite amount of time. even if i fail in the process, even if it takes my whole life to get it right, just trying is alright. sending a lot of love ur way - just know i totally understand and you are definitely not alone in this!! x

[howlsofbloodhounds]

Just a quick warning; glorification and romanization of killing and murder ahead. Killer is unstable for a reason and coping isn’t always pretty.

And also Stage 4 dehumanizes people as “lines of code,” the current target being Cross right now—thinking of Cross as similar to it, a killer, and therefore an it, as well as being seen as just following the script of his code.

Was thinking about how, in Killer’s mind, the act of killing and the concept of murder is completely fucking skewed.

Im thinking its shown most obviously in Stage 4, but more frequently in Stage 2.

In Stage 4, he views it as an act of devotion, of fulfilling Their will and showing how useful and dedicated he is to Them.

Stage 4 will not understand not enjoying the kill. It will not understand not wanting to kill. It will not understand feeling guilty about the kill.

Cross, being one of the most moral of the Bad Sanses and the one most likely to refuse to kill, would be viewed as extremely confusing in Stage 4’s eyes. It was to its understanding that that killer—that one and not this one, never this one—followed the False God.

And the False God appears to have expectations that its vessels will kill when told to kill. Yet that killer does not? Is that killer not devoted? Does that killer not seek to fulfill its purpose?

Blasphemy. It does not understand why the False God keeps the faulty killer around—perhaps its codes are malfunctioning, and it must be fixed—but that is none of its concern. Just more reasons it must return to Their side.

The team of killing non-killers are strange and defective and weak. They are still the sans, it seems. It must go before they can attempt to make it one of them.

It will not be the sans for them.

(Or, alternatively, if Cross does eventually kill whoever Nightmare wanted him to after some protest, and shows signs of being Not Happy about it after, perhaps four would be motivated to break its eerie, watchful silence to praise Cross for being very, very, very good and doing well.

To “reassure” it that its master will be very pleased with it, to not worry, because devotion is its own reward and not all rewards are immediate.

Because the False God walked away without telling his killer how good and well behaved and cherished it is, and They would never do that to this killer. And it felt thought (?) the other killer should not be left without rewards.

Cross is very much disturbed and distressed by this conversation, and four is as well. But for a different reason; it had done something without permission, and had dished out a reward to a line of code as if it was not a line of code.

Unacceptable. It will correct this, and suppress the memory of this interaction. It won’t happen again, surely not.)

(It will happen again, because stage four understands what it’s like to not have your devotion acknowledged, all the hard work. But simply can’t accept that it feels thought anything for line of code and is interacting with it like it is a real person.) (..but that killer has the locket. So maybe..it’s okay?)

(Cross is not feeling comforted.)

Meanwhile, Stage 2 seems have grown terribly bored of killing now. The novelty wore off sometime ago and now he knows various ways to kill someone and how long they can survive what.

Neat.

But mostly it’s more like a task or obligation now, something that happened repeatedly, routinely, so many times ..that it’s just instinct now. No sense of “something new” to gain any depth of emotion from him.

Which is terrible for him, because Nightmare doesn’t do or allow that killing nonsense much anymore. He is not a patient or particularly understanding Boss.

But you keep poking at Killer while he’s in ST2, trying to annoy him or provoke a reaction from him? Get stabbed, loser. Die or don’t. He doesn’t even think about it anymore, his body’s just moving before his mind catches up.

That one was most shown famously with Abyss. Abyss must be grateful that Color was there to save his life. It’s something both Nightmare and Color would eventually have to help train out of his “muscle” memory.

There’s also in that one comic where he was fighting Dream and impaled the poor guy with Dream’s own weapon/staff. Poor Dream was screaming and writhing in pain and Killer was just like…”😑..can you do something now? Anything..you’re so boring.”

Which is another reason why bro literally had to ask Color to teach him to be a good person. Color has really got to tame and rehabilitate this little freak of nature that Chara/the Player so graciously left on his doorstep. (More like Color pulled up on Killer’s breakdown sessions and refused to leave.) (He loves him though.)

[gigglesandfreckles-hp]

weird question maybe but can u elabore on why u wanna throttle the kids that look like they aren’t paying attention to class but know the answer when u call on them?

(not judging u at all btw im just very curious, like maybe it was just an euphemism and i missed it but it got me thinking of it ever elicited a bigger response that idk surprise from teachers when students did that)

this is so fair because i definitely dropped something so mysterious and aggressive soundin gin the tags and just didn't bother explaining at all lol.

so i should definitely clarify there are two types of 'kids that look like they aren't paying attention' in most classes. 1) the kids who are a bit aloof, space cadet-esque, etc. the Luna Lovegoods of the world if you will. i don't know what goes on in their brains but it works for them, so far be it from to mess with that equilibrium. the group i'm talking about here though is 2) the kids who will do everything possible to distract others and avoid completing assignments/activities. this includes alllll the off-task behaviours you can think of. throwing things percussion in desks, tearing paper, playing games/watching youtube on their school chromebooks, etc. anything other than the instruction. but...they...are...so...smart.

and it's because they're so smart that theyre doing these off-task behaviours. because they're bored! and in a dream world, all lessons would be designed with this in mind, to entice all learners...but alas. the triage of a modern classroom is far from the dream world.

so to be clear: i'm sympathetic toward and relate to the bored kids who act out but are so damn intelligent. but goodness gracious do they make me wanna scream sometimes. also i'm a principal-in-residence now so i deal with a lot of student discipline...and conversations with these kids always go the same way. this was literally on monday:

me: so tell me what happened. kid: i was bored. me: right, sooo... kid: sooo *slightly guilty, but mostly evil smile* i stole the balls off the bottom of my desk and threw them at my friend. i know it was wrong. can i have lunch detention instead of a parent conference?

[nesoenaj]

a long post on some of my tf2 oc (inspector) facts/lore/stuff etc if anyone wants to read because its late and im bored lol

the main premise i had thought about the inspectors job is that she is tasked with scoping the hard to search parts that the administrator cannot see. its true that the administrator sees all, including ways that arent observed by a camera obviously, lol

id always envisioned if the inspector was in the game that she would be involved in a sort of 1v1 mode where the player would have to stealthily (or just charging in there) get the intel without her finding (and. killing) the player. i know tf2 isnt a game exactly based on stealth, but it would be fun to figure out a way to capture the flag with someone who is absolutely trained to just get people

although in sort of the real lore of the game, the inspector will defend what work the administrator is doing behind the scenes of the gravel war more than hunting down mercenaries who are capturing the other team’s intel

the inspector used to work for a uk branch of red/blu as a spy, so being an inspector REALLY works out well when checking for spies

the inspector doesnt really like the spy all that much. ill leave it up to you why that is (just kidding will probably draw it out when i figure out more of inspector’s storyline)

the inspector doesnt really get to hang around the other mercenaries (being much like miss pauling and always having to tend to something), but when it does happen, often gets along with the demoman, heavy and engie

the inspector gets along with miss pauling really well! its hard for her to consider whether or not they are really friends or just getting along in the circumstances that they are in, but they will share a few short conversations with each other when they have the time about various topics

the inspector will be tasked with guarding sentries when engie is not working and/or when it’s night with engie, which leads her to fall asleep on his shoulder or on the sentry more times than she would like to admit. lol

despite seeming cold and almost robotic, the inspector does have hobbies! including listening to music, reading fashion magazines/gun catalogs and drawing

in the inspectors previous work, she loved dressing up when she was off work

the inspector has a habit of being almost too quiet, so freaks the mercenaries out when she just appears and starts talking to them about their work lmao

the inspector gets homesick at times and enjoys making a cuppa tea (☕️🧐🇬🇧) or having a full english breakfast

[autumnbrambleagain]

im just saying, wrt Flight of Dragons, Peter started his graduate degree and burned out and decided he wanted to write fantasy instead. Except his book is unfinished, and his board game is something he's trying to get random pawn shop owners to invest in to get off the ground.

He's in the late 90s, even if he succeeds 3.0 is a month or two away. The resurgence of tabletop is coming. And that isn't to his benefit. His one shitty boardgame is going to end up in a handful of LGS and that's about it. People play it sometimes, it's fine.

If he hadn't become suddenly rich from selling magic artifacts irl, he'd have been yet another person trying to ride the tabletop gaming wave and washing out. And the fact that this is the dude that used """logic""" to deny that magic was real despite experiencing it, how much fun do you think his games really are?

Anyway, but that doesn't happen. He gets rich selling artifacts he stole from his adventure and marries Melisande. But you know what? The kind of guy who is big into the IDEA of science but washes out of graduate programs? The kind of guy who can quote random science facts without context you know what sort of asshole that is?

A science fan. Someone who is a fan of the idea of science.

In ten years Peter is one of those biotruth assholes, and he's explaining to Melisande, the literal faery princess who left the world of magic to be with this gashead, he's explaining to her how biological essentialism means as a woman she's obligated to be attracted to the most successful male in the area, and how of COURSE she left everything to be with him, he's very rich and successful now and she is biologically obligated to want to obey him.

But it's the internet age, and Melisande is bored of listening to this guy whose accomplishments were "was okay at delegating tasks during an adventure, and did one single dragony thing I guess" and "got rich because Melisande brought a crown with her when she joined up with him" and she's getting tired of listening to him, and she's spending a lot of time on skype with a transsexual dragon otherkin and realizing she reallly misses home.

In another five years she's the mommy milf to this trans dragonkin, and they've found a way back into the world of magic, remantling their identities as a faery princess and a dragon in truth, and now Peter is blogging about Trump and pizzagate and Jan 6 and about how you really just can't trust women because they're inherently duplicitous.

He and Notch are friends for a year or two before they get into a fight about something completely asinine. Peter masturbates to dragon porn most nights.

Melisande rides her dragon girlfriend around going on adventures and as the world of logic destabilizes because it turns out no, humans aren't ever creatures of logic and we, as Peter proved, use logic systems in a magical-thinking way to create and believe in insane things--it turns out that no, humans don't believe in logic, we believe, largely, in magic, and only replaced the symbology of the charm with the symbology of the chromosome even if we dont know what it means--it turns out most humans just want to do magical thinking.

Peter proved that when he defeated the evil wizard not with clever thinking or explaining HOW his magic shouldn't work, but by holding up statements of science as if they were charms. He didn't explain why the evil wizard couldn't breathe fire--he told him that an object in motion tends to stay in motion. He didn't explain why the wizard shouldn't be able to transform because where does all that mass come from? He tells him he's too gross and ugly to be real.

We don't say Trump lost because people were sick of him and voted him out. We say Trump lost because of a grand pedophile satanic conspiracy. We don't say trans people are just people living their lives--they're an evil cult trying to brainwash children.

We know that chromosomes exist, and instead of referencing them for what they are--constructive blueprints that are not referenced continuously after the sexual system is created?--we call them magic codes and if you have these chromosomes, you are definitively this, because science.

It's magic. Humans turn entirely to magic.

The barrier is no longer needed. Verisimilitude breaks down, as it is. Putin recruits Hearts of Iron players to do military stragedy for him. Polticians say things that are verifiably untrue because it doesn't matter anymore--you just say something and everyone believes it, and by the time we're done fact checking and proving why it's wrong everyone's internalized it and it's too late.

NOW we are in the era of magical thinking.

Melisande and her tg dragon gf return from the world of magic, empowered by relative centuries of adventure. They do not make a call to reason at the world. They descend in sword and fire and unmake the insanity of humankind, as it deserves to be, as it begs to be.

Man wishes to once again be small tribes, reclusive, afraid of one another? It is granted. Their empires are broken. Their cities are scattered.

Man wishes to once again live in a world of feeling, of conspiracy? It is granted. Beasts, monsters, faeries, ghouls, dragons, creatures of all kinds ascend to power. Arbitrary strength, as mankind craves, is the rule of law. It has always been--but they no longer need pretend otherwise.

Things are as it should be. It is the time of dragons, and mankind gratefully makes room, freed of the burden of the center stage.

Peter himself becomes the equivalent of an evil wizard, brandishing """"logic"""" (reciting wikipedia quotes) to create absurdly clearly magical effects. Melisande and her tg dragon gf kill him.

As he dies Peter thinks of Clytemnestra, and about the inevitable duplicity and danger of women everywhere. He does not think about what Agamemnon has done to deserve his murder--as a fan of science, not a man of science, the idea of questioning his own assumptions never occurs to him.

The magic facts he's read are spells that tell him women are the evil ones. He can recite them--they must be true. He is so confused and heartbroken as he dies. Many in this new world will die like this. Most will deserve it.

Melisande and the dragon gf rule eternally atop Peter's former wizard spire. They live happily ever after, and also a cute enby unicorn joins the polycule eventually also.

And that's how the rest of Flight of Dragons goes.

[milkcolle]

pluralasking's 100 questions!!!!!! wow!!!!!!! I was bored at work lol answers under the cut

1. What is your System name and / or the name you collectively go by?

we're the milky way collective! shortened to milkcolle, but we're all fine getting referred to as seven. technicallyyyy that's nara's internet persona name, but we've all basically gotten used to it being used. so we're all fine with it!

2. Which word do you prefer to use for your System? (example: System, Collective, Constellation, ...)

we're a collective! we're fine with being called a system, since we are, but we use collective in our system name because at first we were really afraid to call ourselves a system or even plural! avoiding the term system in general made it easier for us while we figured things out and realized no, we aren't actually stealing a term not for us.

3. What are your Systems origins, if you choose to label them?

traumagenic did!

4. Do you have any Subsystems?

no idea, but we do have a lot of "groups".

5. Do you have any Sidesystems?

once again, not sure!

6. What is your opinion on you& / your& language and similar types?

im honestly not super familiar but like do what you want? lol. not for us though. just say "you guys" or something.

7. What methodes do you use to keep track of your System and it's Members?

mostly simplyplural at this point! plurali we use to share our list with our singlet friends. we had a neocities at one point but it started getting hard to update with every change. we also used to use pinterest? but then we had a lot of fusions and its likeeee cleaning it up is gonna be a huge task so we stopped using it.

8. What is your Systems ways of communication?

we usually can communicate pretty fine in the head! we don't really have an internal world though so a lot of it is just "I know this now that I'm fronting" or "we can talk but only when we're cocon".

9. Is communication hard or easy for you (and why is it the way it is)?

I mean I hear other systems can talk in their internal world? or have things happen when they're not fronting? so like. hard in comparison to that. sometimes we also get walled off. like now! we're recovering at the moment though so things should get better for our communication soon.

10. Do you view yourselves as parts of one person or as multiple people in one body?

we're individual people! we tend to think of all systems like this unless explicitly told not to.

11. Who are you out to as plural?

just online really! irl we could never talk about this kind of thing.

12. What languages do you collectively / one of you speak?

i meannnn we're only fluent in english. we have been learning japanese but we keep getting sidetracked now that we're not in traditional school learning it and have to self study. we can read hiragana and katakana and Some kanji. we really need to brush up on it though lollll someone yell at us to take out our genki book again

13. What is something you can't seem to collectively agree on?

aesthetic. most of us are into alt fashion but in different ways, and then there's the people who are like super normal and don't really give a fuck about how we present. ouji fashion vs sweatpants and a tshirt vibes lol

14. If you have a collective Identity (such as Gender or Orientation), what is it?

we're a gay gnc trans man collectively!

15. Do you collectively identify as queer / LGBTQIA+?

yes! nobody in our system is cishet anyway

16. Do you collectively identify as Otherkin, Alterhuman or Nonhuman?

yes! the line between kin and fictive is hard for us to identify, so we mainly just identify as fictionkin. if people aren't open to that kind of thing, we do also refer to ourselves as multifictives to help people understand better. a lot of us also consider themselves to be nonhuman otherkin, with many of us heavily identifying as related to the divine or the undead.

17. Do you have a collective rentry / carrd / something along those lines? (feel free to share!)

no, but our plurali is here!

18. What does switching feel like for you?

when we're not in a bad headspace, there's like a pressure in our head and we sort of lose focus for a bit before someone else hops in. if we're in a bad headspace, it's more like someone will lose their hold on front and we end up blurry, sometimes rapid switching for a while until someone can get back up to a solid front again.

19. Are you Monoconscious, Polyconscious or something else?

honestly I don't fully get this but I guess poly? we're all individual people. though we do have a lot of common knowledge and don't black out amnesia most of the time when we're mentally ok.

20. What does fronting feel like for you?

hi this is aira! sometimes there's a fog and I feel a little lightheaded, but normally it just feels like. existing? im just a guy.

21. How many System members do you have?

at the moment of typing: 35? maybe? again we're in a very weird mental situation and have made some changes but we're not sure how much is the dissociation making us think someone new split or if someone new actually split. because mistakes happen! often, actually! that's dissociation for you lol

22. Which word / words do you prefer to use for members of your System?

alters and headmates!

23. Which age group seems to be the most common in your System?

mostly adults in their 20s. and I mean. bodily we're 25, so

24. Which gender seems to be the most common in your System?

most of us are masc, either binary men or nonbinary men.

25. Are there any talents / hobbies you picked up because of a Member?

i got us back into watching anime, though I really like shoujo and the others aren't super into it? meanwhile nara got me and lambda into jfashion (mainly jirai). also dromi is the main reason we play genshin, even though we started playing for maki lol

26. Do you have any in-system relationships?

i think nara and lucio are still /r???????? and there's also maybe something going on with nara and evie but who knows. but most of our relationships are familial! we have a lot of siblings and siblinglikes in here.

27. Do you label roles within your System (and if yes, which ones?)

roles are very fluid! so we don't! plus not everyone has a role, and we don't like the idea that there has to be some larger meaning for someone in our system to exist.

28. Are most of your Members introjected, brainmade or something else?

again, complicated! we rely on fictional identities to have a sense of self. we're like a bunch of fictional characters stitched together. but aren't singlets like that with the people they've met throughout their lives too?

29. Do you use names, emojis or something similar to sign off messages (and if yes, which ones and why?)

emojis! if you look back in our system tag (🌌) you'll be able to find our explanation.

30. Do any of your System members use Xenogenders?

I think ben like? identifies more as a computer bug than any gender.

31. How do Members pick face claims?

usually it's kin stuff honestly. except for io. they're not kin from hsr (probably. we haven't actually started to play yet), they just kind of look like that. one day I knowwww it's gonna confuse someone.

32. Do you have any Introjects of popular sources?

I mean it depends what you consider popular? but like we have danganronpa, nintendo, genshin, etc characters if that means anything.

33. Do you have any Introjects of unpopular sources?

hellloooo to all of our idols and joseimuke characters. shuuen. and then ren is two different pitchloids that were only popular in like 2012.

34. Do you have nonhuman members?

yes but everyone is humanoid. so like. angels. ghosts. demons. etc.

35. Do any of you use Typing Quirks?

maki talks like a lolXDsorandom scene kid and uses kaomoji does that count

36. Do all of you front, or only a selected amount?

we all have fronted! not all of us are frequent fronters though. I'm probably like. top most frequent honestly. and then bottom is like. crow maybe. but that's because he's a bit more fragmented.

37. Are there any Members who can't or prefer to not speak?

waka (our little) struggles with speaking and talks mainly in the third person in kind of fragmented sentences, but that's kind of it?

38. Are most of you short or tall in height

don't talk down to us just because we're short kings lollllll

39. Is there a Member that is collectively loved by all in the System?

rey. 100000% rey. maki also because he's literally the best ever.

40. Do any of you struggle with being front-stuck a lot of the time?

sometimes? not enough for it to be a big issue though.

41. Do you have a Headspace (if not, is there a reason)?

no we have that thing where we have issues with visualization. if a number gets skipped, assume it was a headspace question that we can't answer

43. How do Members look like in Headspace? (example: Cartoony, Foggy, Realistic, ...)

sorry not sorry for being a bunch of anime characters?????

46. Do you remember what happened in Headspace when you switch into front?

yes and no? sometimes we'll have a general Feeling of something having happened or having talked about something. bleeding thoughts maybe? idk

51. Are there any "System Stereotypes" you fit into?

idk what any stereotypes are honestly but I feel like I always see people fakeclaim people for having introjects and specifically for having danganronpa and genshin introjects and it's like ooooooops dangankins and genshinkins in this head

52. Who of you would be considered the "evil alter"? (in a lighthearted, joking manner)

probably lucio honestly LOL or dromi because of the cannibalism support

53. What is your favourite inside-joke with a Member?

once ren said baller and he's not allowed to live it down

54. What is your favourite Plural meme?

nervous system when the confident system walks in (and it's like. hitsugi and shu enstars)

55. Is there any character that you headcanon as plural?

ame/k-angel is the first that comes to mind! also randal and satoru.

56. Is there any show or movie that you believe is a good plural representation, despite that not being its intention?

honestly jojo part 5 was kind of awesome. thanks for the plural rep!!! still think it's crazy how people on twitter baby doppio though like that's a grown ass man with a child. once again randal and satoru also read as plural to me and I love their writing a lot!

57. Is there any song that you believe decribes your plural experience?

ghost (vocaP) in general has a lot of songs that really speak to our mental illness. big fan of uncanny which is literally written about being plural.

58. What about an artwork that describes your plural experience?

honestly not sure! but I think it's always really nice seeing fanart of your source that really does feel like it represents you. like ill never forget how happy io was to see a single piece of fanart of iori with super long hair. because that's them!

59. Which Member of your System do you believe to be the prettiest of them all?

this is hard because I feel like if we said anyone but joshua he'd kill us but alsoooo if we said anyone but yoh they'd also kill us.

60. Do you collectively have a lucky number?

we like 3!

61. When did you first discover your System?

late 2019 was our full system awakening but we did realize and then immediately forget back in like. 2016? maybe?

62. How many Members did you know about during your Syscovery?

3? I think? nara maki and dell. though at the time im prettyyyy sure dell was dormant so it was just nara and maki for months.

63. Was accepting your Plurality a challenge for you?

very much! we were sure we were faking it and lying and stealing terms that weren't for us.

64. How did you learn about Plurality?

we had plural friends growing up!

65. Where there any signs of your Plurality, if you look back at your past?

us and our imaginary friends (all of which were alters) against the world

66. Do you think your Syscovery changed a lot in your life?

100%! I feel like for as bad as things get sometimes, we're functioning a lot better in certain aspects of our life. plus, it's nice to know we're not alone! sometimes we do wish we never found out, mainly socially, but having people who accept us is really nice.

67. If you're out to others plural, have they ever told you later on that they already thought about it before you realised?

yes lol

68. What was the biggest struggle during your Syscovery?

one of the main reasons we dislike sys/course is because it held us back from realizing we were a system. fakeclaimers were scary as fuck and we were convinced we were subconsciously faking. I know nara and maki struggled a lot with questioning if the other was real or just a delusion because we did struggle with those often before our current meds.

69. Was there any big event that led to your Syscovery?

not really? mainly nara kept looking at his imaginary friend in adulthood maki and was like. ok something is up here. and then we realized.

70. What is something you want questioning plurals to know?

it's ok to be wrong! you're not a bad person for questioning your plurality and ending up not being plural/having a different disorder. you weren't tricking anyone. so long as you respect the community, and don't go on to start fakeclaiming others, you're fine!

71. Are you Neurodivergent (and if yes, how?)

we are autistic! we might have adhd also but we don't want to say anything definitively

72. Do you have any physical disability?

we don't that we know of!

73. Do you have a dissociative disorder?

yes, DID.

74. Do you have any other disorder?

not going to reveal everything in one place but bpd and ocd are probably the disorders we struggle with the most.

75. Do symptom vary in intensity depending on the fronter?

yes! mainly bpd. some people it's all consuming, other people don't really get impacted as much.

76. Do you think your disability / disorder has an influence on your plurality?

probably! we've split a lot because of our symptoms.

77. Do you have amnesia of any kind?

mostly emotional amnesia. sometimes blackout amnesia, but usually just during very stressful periods.

78. Are there Members who deal better with symptoms than others?

mentioned earlier but yeah, especially with bpd.

79. Do your disorders / disabilities influence communication or switching within your System in any way?

when we're deep in an episode, any kind of episode, it's pretty much impossible for us to communicate. lots of walls.

80. Does being plural help with your disorders in any way? (example: another Member switching in to take care of the body during difficult times, ...)

it's helpful to be able to get different points of view from different members. writing down opinions on our problems is really helpful.

81. Which is your favourite plural flag?

i've only seen the white yellow black one tbh

82. If you have one, which is your favourite plurality related tumblr blog?

can I say fkf. we've been a regular for years and fictives are more than welcome.

83. What is a fun fact about your System?

ohhhh this is hard. king has umanoprincesama (the japanese title of the my horse prince app) as his twitter handle. he hardly uses it anymore though.

84. What is a flavour of ice cream that describes you collectively?

maki says birthday cake. he won't explain why lol

85. Which pride flag is the prettiest, in your collective opinion?

i know we like the wlw and mlm flags! we like the flowers.

86. If you collectively had to choose between being a sweet or a sour candy, which do you pick?

probably sweet? we love sugar.

87. Your body always morphs into what the current fronter(s) look like, would you want this power or not?

absolutely oh my god. though we are working on making a collective singlet sona

88. Is there a Hatsune Miku in your System?

...kind of? she uses miku as a faceclaim.

89. Who has been in your System the longest (if you can remember)?

we aren't sure! our candidates are like. maki dromi and waka.

90. If you collectively had to choose, would you rather only eat sweet foods or only eat savoury foods for the rest of your life?

ohhhh this is hard. I think savory but I know we'd be missing dessert hard. but we can't live without gyudon.

91. If you collectively had to choose, would you pick to become a vampire or a werewolf?

we're split on this. I think we lean more vampire though.

92. Your body is transfered into one of your Members sources, which do you pick and why?

pokemon obviously lol

93. If all of you turned into animals right this second, which animals would we find in your System?

too many of us for me to assign fursonas to everyone but like. birds. cats. bunnies. that kinda vibe?

94. What would a Minecraft server with all d your Members look like? (example: chaotic, peaceful, laggy, ...)

we haven't played minecraft much actually so I couldn't tell you! when I played I personally just liked building. but I know that a lot of people in our system would absolutely sabotage shit lol

96. What topic would you collectively make a youtube channel about? (it can't be plurality!)

hmmmm we aren't as into them anymore because of the fandom but mobile gacha games probably! i personally love idol games forever thanks

97. Which superpower would your body obtain, if you had to collectively decide on one?

shapeshifting!!!!!!

98. Who would pick the coolest tattoo for the System and who would pick the worst?

king would pick the worst everyone else feels passable except maybe nicola but king would get something dumb as fuck tattooed just because it's funny

99. If you only were allowed to eat one food for the rest of your life, but you would have to decide on the food collectively, what would it be and what would the decision making look like?

gyudon. like. I don't think that's even a question. we collectively fucking love gyudon.

100. What is the most fun about doing polls and answering questions, in your opinion?

we like getting to communicate more and express ourselves as plural! it's nice. we get scared to express ourselves on a lot of other websites so it's cool to be ourselves here and talk about ourselves openly

[taflyn]

I was born in a poor family, my life was not easy but even though childhood was like that I still have something good happened in my life. When I was a kid i was very skinny and my skin colour is super brown because I was always outside. I remember playing Bahay-bahayan and other traditional games every afternoon under the sun with my friends and cousins. I was the one who "leads" every games we did because I am the oldest during that time. Even at school, I remember playing with my classmates every free time, lunch time and after class. We would always play Chinese garter, touching ball and dakop-dakopan. Funny part when my teacher gave us assignments and I didn't how to do it so i would make a help to my sister which is my older sister, and then she discuss it to me and ofc I was listening but still I didn't know what to do, so she would scream at me and you know I am a very sensitive and so I did is to cry. It was so funny for real and I miss those times, It was a very very like childhood feel for me, but this isn't the end yet. When im almost a teenager my mother would always scream at me because I don't for real like I was just a child and every little mistakes I did will always be big for them and they would get angry to me. Also my life wasn't easy with my sister because even though it's just a little mistakes like a LITTLE MISTAKE she would still fucking scream at me and then say bad to me but I couldn't do anything because I am the youngest and she was the older sister, so I just go silent and go to the room silent crying and even until now that im almost adult she will still scream at me like a wild lion.

During my Highschool days, this is the time where I was crushing to someone so at grade I had a crush with my classmate who is a girl. We were friends and sher sits behind me but she didn't know that I had a crush on her because I didn't tell her. Funny part is that she had a girlfriend that time. Before I forgot to tell you, I am a girl who is also inlove with a girl, in short im a lesbian. Continue so when the 8th grade ends, I told her that I have a feelings for her and she also felt the same, without me knowing that her feelings wasn't real. We became girlfriends ( they broke up) but it didn't last, it was only 3 days haha funny right. When the covid started and there was no face-to-face class i felt bored so I downloaded an app called "YUBO". The app is installed and I logged in so in that app you can meet new friends and even girlfriend/boyfriend. I was living in YUBO at 3a.m almost 4 a.m and then suddenly there's this girl who joined my live who's from Germany. She added me and asked for my IG and ofcourse I gave my instragram we talked everytime and after 3 days I guess she asked me to be her girlfriend and so I said YES. Our communication was okay because she can speak english and I can a little bit. We would always talk everyday and everynight and would do video call everynight its our way to see each other even thought we're long distance. Our relationship were good and sadly we only lasted for only 8 months. I didn't date anyone for 1yr after that so this girl change my mine. This girl is my school mate and we would always see eachother everytime we get modules in school but we wouldn't talk because were shy I guess. And the best part is when she added me on facebook and ofcourse I confirmed her. She replied on my story and I replied to her and our convo started. Fast forward after like how many months of talking we decided to go dating and we became girlfriend and girlfriend but that relationship didn't last it only lasted for 3months but its okay we are still friends 'till right now.

But foreal aside those sweet moments at school there's also a sad happening inside at home who even I thought I could call a "Happy home". I am the youngest child so every work at home is always on me. I am not a very productive person so when my mother will give me task I will always say "I'll do it later" and that later my mother cannot wait so she just gonna do the task she gave me and then she would start becoming a "dragon" and yeah I mean sometimes its my fault. But for real there's always a time that even though I did everything I could sometimes, there's always wrong about it with them it's like its not worth it and I felt worthless and that didn't stop until now. There were times that I was about to end my life but I just couldn't. Right now my life is still not that good and bad, I mean those things still happens I guess I just couldn't get rid of that kind of problem. Now I am turning eighteen and almost in to college, I have a big future for my self and also for my family. I am the youngest child and I want to give them everything that my other siblings couldn't give. I am now studying anything I can do and will pursue my future for the betterment. And even though our financial problem is hard its still okay for me as long as I am able to buy or get the important thing I need. I just want to say to my self is that I CAN DO ANYTHING I WANT IF YOU HAVE FUTURE AND WORK FOR IT.

[seraphim-soulmate]

22 October 2023

I'm sick with grief I'm sick with longing I'm sick with wanting. someone come put me down please. im longing and wanting vague concepts and I don't have a focus for my energy and I want to curl away and rot rot rot alone and unloved and dejected.

maybe the reason I put myself in positions of caretaking is so someone will need me. even if I don't want that, the desire to be needed and wanted is so profound that maybe I put myself in worse conditions just so I don't have to confront my people pleasing and how to have/keep friends bcs there's just so many relational problems that I have that I feel unfixable but I KNOW that's not true and I KNOW everyone is a little bit weird relationally it just hurts so so bad when you keep being shot down and how do you not take that personally. it's like oh lol you like me bcs im fun to drink with, I'm not too much of a hassle for a disabled person, ill essentially repent via actions or purchases when I think I've done a misdeed so the scales are somehow balanced again. but aside from that, my life consists of perpetual nightmares of my own creation and I therefore cannot see the value in being friends with me or what I bring to the table in a friendship aside from the things I bring as a coping tool so I feel like I have value (cleaning, doing favors). sometimes I can bring good conversations, but it's hard when I'm with different communication styles that want to talk about life, but not in a deep way or not about my life, or interests I don't share, bcs I'm just stuck. I don't know how to talk suddenly and I've got nothing to add. and you can't say a relationship isn't transactional. it is ! it is about what you're bringing and what you have to offer, on what other basis would this be? if you don't like me because you don't think I add value to your life because of my negativity and life struggles, why would you want to be friends with me? I try to cultivate the moments of peace and kindness and love and feeling good but it must be said that my life is not easy and all I can give are those moments. Sometimes those moments aren't enough, because the pain seeps through and the reality slithers in and I'm confronted and stuck again. It sucks because it's so scary and hard for me, and I know how scary and hard it is for everyone else to see someone suffer like this and not know what to do except keep your distance so your life doesn't also go up in flames. Or maybe I'm really just not that important and it's not a big deal.

I feel like I spend all of my time working on my mental health, working on my physical health, trying to keep going and making it to something that feels kind of good or stable. or like for the last two years, just fucking staying alive after a life-changing diagnoses and symptomatic presentations. I guess that doesn't leave much room for actual joy when you're running yourself dry with your "HAVE TOs" and get to spend considerably less time on things that add quality and fulfillment to my life. I guess I'm just not crazy in a fun way. Maybe I got boring somewhere along the way. Maybe people don't want to spend the time to unravel and discover me bcs we want bite-sized consumable info. Maybe my fears and self doubts are major blocks in building or maintaining friendships. Maybe I'm supposed to be getting more support with my physical and mental health, but I don't know where from and I don't know how. It was really nice having my dad do basic tasks that I was dreading, that lifted a lot of weight off of me and it's a lot to constantly care for everything on a daily basis alone.

I'm often so stuck in trying to talk about the present in conversations as well, where there's nothing much happening, and I don't let myself dig into my past anymore too much because it's a whole can of worms that sometimes I don't know if they're acceptable or not. At this point I guess I'd rather placate someone with mediocre conversation, or correct myself anytime I fall into "too weird" territory, than to go into my past and talk about things I have enjoyed because they're often quite blurry and bring a lot of baggage with them as well. Like Ophelia and Barbies were very important when I was 16, but I guess not a lot of people want to hear about that and it's not a time I remember very clearly either.

And being more stable is really helpful in having more stable friendships, or making new friendships since you can show that you have interests and a life. I miss having a routine and goals and something to focus my energy into instead of letting my mind wander and body decay. But I got here in the first place because I wasn't well enough to continue. Even if university was exhilarating and felt good, it also felt really fucking bad not being able to do it well, struggling so much, and having my physical and mental health fail me. Like I'm trying to rebuild from that but I'm really not sure how. Again, here I oscillate between "you're taking this too seriously, everyone struggles really hard with university and you should be able to push through" and "you deserve better accomodations, you deserve to not feel perpetually uncomfortable by how many classes you have to take because you cannot pass them all but you need student status. yes actually, your mental and physical health is different from that of others and is understandably debilitating, even if others can't see it".

and I just sit there with those and go "okay so what the fuck can I do?" and I realize what I have to do is put myself out there in lower-stakes work and build up gradually to maybe being able to do it again. I'm so scared of not finishing my degree bcs it means less money, it means less employment opportunities, it means confronting my most deeply rooted fear of becoming homeless and I shouldn't even have a game plan for that. That shouldn't even be something I have to reassure myself about. But it is, because it's this terror so deeply seated in me that it dictates so much of my life. Don't get tattoos, you'll lower your chances at getting a job -> you'll end up homeless AND it will be your fault since your self expression makes you unemployable. Don't do too many body modifications, justify the ones you have made regarding your gender, it's not really okay that you can't fit into the mold but it seems like that's the life you've chosen so now lie in it. Make up for it in other aspects of your life. Don't make your body or your life yours, you have to be a polished cog so you can easily obtain work and not end up in a bad situation, which for some reason feels more like a prophecy than a fear. My mom pointing out a homeless man to me when I was 3-5 because I was laughing at him and telling me "that could be us. so easily, that could be us" or my childhood best friend telling me I'd "die under a bridge of a drug overdose" bcs I didn't staunchly say I'd never do drugs. I guess those things do stay with you.

My dad dedicating himself to work for his entire life so he wouldn't be in a bad position either obviously sticks with me a lot too. Him saying "people would rather buy from someone with traditional pronouns than they/them" while I was visiting recently and just trying to process all of that and every bit of self he's given up to be a tool for the machine, the mindset and ideology one has to form to explain that to themselves. Of course the only thoughts and knowledge I have about work come from the person who raised me and had pretty radical views on employment. And I feel guilty for not being able to carry that on. For having the audacity to be disabled, to be queer, to be unemployable by some standards. It was unbelievably crushing not being able to accept that job offer for the lawyer's office because I was having to medicate heavily to get through the day and I'd collapse after it, and it feels like such a privileged position to be able to refuse employment because I go through something that every other employed person also goes through. I just really really have to listen to my boundaries and limits or my body will hospitalize me, and rather quickly at that. If it doesn't hospitalize me, I'll lose my job from being out on too many sick days from having symptoms and having to recover, getting sick extremely easily and getting sick bcs of stress. I was also supposed to be a cog and it's stupid, but it hurts that I can't be the perfect employee.