#this is the tip of the iceberg of my thoughts but I think I’m word vomited out | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

redroomreflections · 5 months ago

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Gentle Hands Chapter Ten

Natasha Romanoff x fem!reader

Summary: Natasha suspects Reader is in an abusive relationship and tries to convince her to leave

10/10

W/c: 6.2k

Masterlist | General Masterlist

Warning: Domestic violence

Author’s note: We are experiencing a time jump here. This is the end. Like many of the stories I’ve written, when I began this came from a deep place of loneliness and discomfort. The only way to write my feelings was to put them into a piece of work that included my favorite character. It’s easy to find that form of escapism in something you enjoy and so I did just that. I do hope y’all enjoyed this ride even if it was painful. I’m open to writing drabbles for this story in the future.

"It’s like climbing a mountain," a woman’s voice quivered with emotion as she neared the end of her share. "You only see the tip of the iceberg, but beneath the surface, there’s so much more we’re battling through." She took a deep, shuddering breath. "I think this is my last day. I don't have the energy to go through it all again. It feels like I've been doing this for so long." She reaches below her open legs to take a sip of her bottled water.

"I can't say how sorry I am that you feel like this," the therapist said, setting down her notepad as she looked over to the speaker. "I know your strength, and it seems like you've been carrying this burden for a very long time. All of you have." She eyed the group.

Directly across from her, you sat quietly in your chair, your hands resting in your lap. You briefly picked at your nails, a nervous habit you wished you could break. The cozy room, with its soft lighting and comforting decor, offered a stark contrast to the heavy emotions shared within its walls.

As the woman’s words hung in the air, you felt a pang of empathy. You understood the weight of unspoken struggles, the unseen battles fought beneath the surface. The therapist’s response was gentle, and filled with compassion and understanding.

Your gaze wandered around the room, taking in the faces of the other women. Each one held a story, a journey marked by pain and resilience. The group’s collective strength was palpable, a testament to their shared experiences and mutual support.

When the therapist turned to address the group, your attention snapped back. You took a deep breath, trying to ground yourself in the moment.

"Let's close out our time together with a meditation. I know you're all feeling very raw today, and I want you to focus on taking care of yourselves. I encourage each of you to lean into the things that bring you comfort and joy."

You closed your eyes thinking of the things that brought joy to your life. Your mind immediately flows to your baby girl. With her toothy smile and big brown eyes. You remember her giggle and the way she clings to you tightly as if never wanting to let go. She is your heart, your world. Then your mind flows to your friends who have truly become like family. Steve and his loyalty. Sam and his ability to always make you laugh. And Natasha, who holds a piece of your heart.

You hear the therapist clear her throat before she begins to speak.

"We can only be truly healed if we choose to embrace the process."

"That's easy for her to say," You thought. Embracing the process of healing is difficult. Healing is not linear.

"There is no rush, no timetable. We will support each other on this journey, and celebrate the healing of our hearts and minds."

As the session came to a close, you gathered your things and prepared to leave. The room began to empty, and you made your way toward the exit. A woman from the group, her face bright with a cheerful demeanor, caught up with you.

“Hey, I’m so glad I caught you!” she said, her excitement palpable. “I’ve missed a few sessions, so I haven’t had a chance to catch up. How are things going with Natasha? You’ve mentioned her before, and I was curious if there have been any updates. I’ve been thinking about you and hoping things have been improving.”

"Improving?" You questioned with a smirk. Delaney Chance had always been one of the nosier groupgoers. You had quickly bonded with her over motherhood and pretty much everything else. She's in her late 30'sand while her demeanor makes her seem much younger you enjoy talking with her. "I'm not sure what there is to improve on."

"So you guys haven't gotten together yet?" She asked as she opened up a brand new pack of cigarettes. "This is the slowest burn I've ever heard of."

"I mean we're as together as together can be," You shrugged.

"I guess that's true," She took a pull from her cigarette. "I mean you both practically live together and you're raising two kids."

"Del," You warned, not wanting to talk about Natasha and yourself right now.

"Right," She took a few more pulls before continuing. "It's been a minute since you've checked in, I was just curious."

"Curiosity is fine," You nod. "It's just that I don't think I'm ready for a relationship. I don't want to keep her waiting forever."

"Has she truly been waiting though?" Delaney questioned. "You can't say the two of you haven't gotten close all this time."

You didn't say anything. You couldn't say anything. In your heart of hearts, you knew Del was right. You'd both been dancing around each other for quite some time now. You didn't want to hold Natasha back. But the truth was, you didn't trust yourself. You were too scared to love her. Too afraid of losing her.

You knew if you didn't make a move soon, someone else would.

"We have almost..." You bite your lip debating on what exactly to share with Delaney. You and Natasha have shared so many intimate moments. Cuddling on the couch at night after the kids have gone to sleep. Her bringing you tea after you'd been up all night studying. Things were as domestic as domestic could get. The only thing the two of you had never done was kiss. Not since that night, she'd taken you in. "But the timing was always off. Like something would always interrupt."

"Like the universe saying not yet," Delaney stated.

"Yeah." You walk down the street further, noting how much closer you are getting to the subway.

"Well, maybe you just have to stop waiting." She suggests. "Stop waiting for the perfect moment. Just kiss her."

"Kiss her?" You asked. "You think things work like that."

"Why not?" Delaney questioned.

"Because things aren't that simple," You argued.

"But they could be," Delaney countered.

"No, it can't." You were quick to argue. "I am me and she is...." You fumble to find the words. "Look I've done a lot of healing but I don't know if I can give her what she needs."

"That sounds like an excuse," Delaney stated. "Are you trying to protect her or yourself?"

"Her, I'm always protecting her."

"Then why are you still fighting it?"

You let out a deep sigh, the weight of the conversation pulling at your thoughts. “It’s not that I don’t want to be with her,” you began, choosing your words carefully. “I love our time together. Natasha… she’s the first person I’ve felt safe with in a long time. We have these deep conversations, you know? We talk about everything—our pasts, our fears, our dreams. She understands me in a way no one else does.”

Delaney nodded, her expression softening. “But…?”

“But we haven’t really defined what we are to each other,” you admitted, the vulnerability in your voice surprising even you. “We’ve gotten so close, and sometimes it feels like we’re more than friends, but we’ve never actually said it out loud. It’s like we’re both scared to cross that line, afraid of what it might mean.”

Delaney tilted her head, considering your words. “So, you’re stuck in this gray area, huh? That’s gotta be tough.”

“Yeah, it is,” you confessed. “Part of me likes the way things are now—no labels, no expectations. It’s comforting, in a way. We’re just�� us. But at the same time, I know that’s not fair to her. Natasha deserves more than just the pieces of me I’m willing to give.”

“You’re right,” Delaney said gently. “But maybe it’s not about giving her more. Maybe it’s about letting yourself accept more. Letting yourself believe that you deserve happiness, too.”

You stopped walking for a moment, letting her words sink in. The truth was, you did enjoy what you had with Natasha. The late-night talks, the way she’d gently brush a strand of hair behind your ear, the comforting warmth of her presence—it all felt right. But the fear of losing that, of losing her if things didn’t work out, kept you from taking that final step.

“Del, I just don’t want to mess this up,” you said, your voice tinged with uncertainty. “I’m terrified that if we try to make it something more and it doesn’t work out, I’ll lose her. I’ll lose this connection we have, and I don’t know if I can handle that.”

Delaney gave you a knowing smile, a mix of empathy and encouragement in her eyes. “Sometimes, you’ve gotta take the risk. If you both care about each other as much as it seems, then maybe it’s worth the chance. It sounds like you’ve already got a pretty solid foundation—why not build on that?”

You glanced down at the sidewalk, the city sounds buzzing around you as you considered her words. The thought of defining what you had with Natasha was both thrilling and terrifying. But maybe Delaney was right. Maybe it was time to stop waiting for the perfect moment and just… go for it.

"Thanks," You said as the two of you continued your walk. "I guess I should figure out a way to do that."

"I'm sure it will happen organically," She offered. "Okay, I have to go and pick up the kids from my mom. See you next week. Kiss those babies for me and that beautiful red-headed lady."

"Will do," You gave her a quick hug before watching her walk away. As you walked towards the subway, you couldn't help but smile to yourself. Maybe it was time to give your heart what it wanted most.

***********

You’ve heard countless stories, some eerily similar to your own, others vastly different, but all filled with the same undercurrent of pain and resilience. For two years, the group has been your anchor, a place where you could finally breathe, where your voice mattered. You remember the first time you walked into the room, your heart pounding, unsure if you belonged. It had been Sam who pushed you to take that step, insisting you needed a space where people truly understood you.

Initially, you’d been skeptical. The idea of sharing your deepest wounds with strangers felt overwhelming, even terrifying. But over time, this group became more than just a suggestion from a friend—it became your sanctuary. The Peach Tree Group for Women Experiencing Domestic Violence was the one place where you could drop the facade, where you didn’t have to be strong for anyone but yourself.

Week after week, you’ve listened as women bared their souls. You’ve watched as they slowly found their footing, just as you’ve been finding yours. Healing is a process, a journey you’ve all been on together, and though the road has been long, you’ve made progress—more than you ever thought possible.

Today’s session was no different. The topic was healing, a concept that had once seemed so distant, so out of reach. But now, as you sat there listening to the others share their stories, you realized just how far you’ve come. Two years ago, you couldn’t imagine feeling as grounded as you do now. Sure, the scars are still there, but they don’t define you anymore.

You can't wait to get home to your babies. You couldn't wait to finally live the life you'd been fighting so hard to have. Days like this felt surreal. It felt like a lifetime ago you'd been running. You're glad you dared to run.

**********

After the therapy session, you made your way home, the day’s conversations still playing in your mind. The moment you stepped into your apartment in the Avenger’s Tower, the warmth and familiarity of the space enveloped you, easing the lingering tension. You paused just inside the doorway, drawn to the sight unfolding before you.

Natasha was sitting cross-legged on the floor, with Brynn nestled comfortably in her lap. The baby’s tiny hands were reaching out, trying to grasp one of Natasha’s fingers while babbling softly, her wide eyes fixed on her sister with pure adoration. In front of them, Kaia was busy coloring a large piece of paper spread out on the coffee table. Her curly coils bounced with each enthusiastic stroke of the crayon, and her face was scrunched up in concentration as she carefully chose her colors.

You stayed where you were, not wanting to interrupt the moment. Kaia, her little tongue poking out in focus, was working on what appeared to be a card. You could see the bright colors she was using, and the careful way she was trying to stay within the lines—a clear sign that this was something important to her. Natasha, ever patient and loving, was softly encouraging her, offering gentle suggestions without taking over.

Brynn, meanwhile, had managed to grab hold of Natasha’s finger and was now bringing it to her mouth, gnawing on it with her emerging teeth. Natasha laughed, a sound so rare and precious that it made your heart skip a beat. The sight of them together, so at ease and content, filled you with a sense of peace you hadn’t realized you needed.

Kaia suddenly looked up, noticing you standing there. Her face lit up with a bright, toothy smile, and she immediately called out, “Mommy! Look!” She held up the card proudly, the front decorated with colorful scribbles and a least a half dozen scribbles.

Natasha looked up too, her eyes meeting yours, and the warmth in her gaze was undeniable. “We’ve been busy,” she said softly, a smile tugging at her lips as she shifted Brynn slightly to one side so the baby could see you too.

You stepped further into the room, your heart swelling with love for this little family you’d found yourself a part of. “It’s beautiful, Kaia,” you said, kneeling beside her to get a closer look at the card. “Did you make this all by yourself?”

"Mama Tasha helped me," Kaia nodded eagerly. “It’s for you, Mommy! I made it special.”

Her calling Natasha "Mama" had become a recent development. At two and a half years old, Kaia had started to pick up on the deep connection between the two of you and Natasha. Hearing her say it now, with such ease and certainty, sent a wave of emotion through you.

Natasha’s smile widened at Kaia’s words, a hint of pride in her eyes as she looked down at the little girl. “She did most of it herself,” Natasha added, her voice filled with a tender affection that made your heart swell even more. “I just helped with the finishing touches.”

You reached out and gently brushed a stray curl away from Kaia’s forehead, marveling at how much she had grown. “You both did an amazing job,” you said, your voice thick with emotion. “Thank you, sweetheart.”

Kaia beamed at the praise, her bright, toothy smile lighting up her entire face. She reached out to you, her little hands sticky with crayon wax, and you pulled her into a hug, holding her close.

Brynn, not wanting to be left out, let out a babble that sounded like a protest until you reached over and stroked her chubby cheek. She immediately grabbed onto your finger, just as she had with Natasha, her grip surprisingly strong for such a tiny baby. Her big brown eyes sparkled as she stared up at you, her expression one of pure innocence and trust.

You shifted closer, placing a gentle kiss on Brynn’s forehead before looking back at Natasha.

"Thank you for keeping them," You offered to her as you settled next to her on the floor. Brynn practically threw herself into your arms before you could sit properly. The ten-month-old rested her head on your chest to hear your heartbeat. It was something she'd done from the very first day she'd been born.

"You don't have to thank me," Natasha reminded you. "I like the little rascals."

"Even when they're being little rascals?" You asked.

"Especially then," She smirked. "They're just like their Mama."

"Hey," You warned.

"I said especially," She teased, her eyes sparkling.

"Do you have anything planned for the day?" You attempted to hold a conversation between Brynn babbling and Kaia adding her commentary.

"The only thing I had planned was making sure the girls were okay."

"That's sweet," You smiled at her. "But seriously, nothing?"

"Why? Have a hot date or something?" Natasha tilted her head.

"Pftt," You scoffed. "I haven't been on a date since... well, I've never been on a date."

"What?" Natasha's eyes widened. "You've never been on a date?"

"Well," You began, knowing you'd have to explain. "K-E-I-T-H and I were in high school and we didn't have the opportunity to since my parents didn't approve. Once we moved we would have little things here and there but it was never a date. I thought I told you this before?" You look at her quizzically.

"I don't recall," Natasha replied. "Maybe I blocked it out."

"Yeah," You laughed. "It's not something I like to talk about."

"Mama, look at these circles." Kaia interrupted.

"They are pretty good," Natasha complimented.

"What color did you use?" You asked her.

"All of them," She answered. "But I put blue because it's your favorite." Suddenly, as if she had just realized, Kaia gasped and looked around. "Oh no, where's Blankie."

"Blankie is in the wash remember?" Natasha said. "You spilled chocolate milk on it the other day."

"Oh," Kaia nodded. It was all coming back to her now.

"It's okay, baby," You assured her. "We'll have it dried in no time. How about you draw a picture for Blankie while we're waiting?"

"Yes, yes, yes!" Kaia cheered. It was the blanket she received as a Christmas gift from Natasha last year. She wouldn't let that thing out of her sight.

"How was the group?" Natasha questioned.

"Good, very good." You replied.

"Anything new happening?"

"Not really," You shrugged. "Just the same stuff. We talked a little bit about the importance of healing and congratulating ourselves for the progress we've made."

"That's good," Natasha smiled, the softness in her eyes filling you with warmth. "You deserve it."

"Thanks," You returned her smile.

"Okay, I'm hungry," Kaia said as she got up. "My stomach is so empty."

"How can it be that empty when you've already had two snacks?" Natasha raised a brow at the two-year-old.

"Because it is," Kaia answered simply.

"Come on, Mama, let's go make a snack." Kaia abandoned her crayons to tug at your arm.

"Careful," You warned her as you passed Brynn back to Natasha. "Don't pull."

"Sorry, " Kaia let go.

"I'll meet you guys in the kitchen," Natasha called after you.

"How about peanut butter and jelly?" You suggested as you followed Kaia into the kitchen. It was then you'd noticed the Elsa of Frozen's costume dress she was wearing. It was the third time she'd worn it this week. Neither of you would dare take it off of her. It's one of those perks of living with a two-year-old. She was fiercely independent and opinionated.

As Kaia assumed her position on the step stool, you worked around her to grab the ingredients.

"Do you think toasted or non-toasted?"

"Toasted," Kaia said matter of fact.

"Okay, toasted it is."

"Do we have grapes?" She asked.

"Yes, I bought a pack yesterday."

"Good," She nodded.

You smiled as Kaia perched herself on the step stool, her tiny hands resting on the countertop as she eagerly watched you gather the ingredients for the peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. Her Elsa dress fluttered slightly as she shifted her weight from one foot to the other.

"Alright, toasted it is," you said, sliding two slices of bread into the toaster. The kitchen filled with the quiet hum of the appliance as it began to brown the bread, and you glanced over at Kaia, who was patiently waiting for her turn to help.

She was growing up so fast, you thought, your heart swelling with pride. At two and a half, Kaia was already so independent, so sure of herself. You couldn’t help but admire the way she approached everything with such determination and focus. It was as if she had already decided that the world was hers to explore, and she was ready to take it on, one small step at a time.

As the toaster popped, you carefully pulled out the warm slices of bread and set them on a plate in front of Kaia. "Okay, little chef," you said, handing her a small butter knife. "Do you want to spread the peanut butter or the jelly?"

"Peanut butter," she decided, her voice full of confidence. She took the jar you’d set out and began to scoop a generous amount onto her knife, her tongue poking out in concentration as she spread it across the toast.

You watched her, marveling at the care she took with each movement. Kaia might be small, but she was already so capable, so eager to help. It was in these little moments that you saw glimpses of the person she was becoming—kind, thoughtful, and endlessly curious.

"You're doing a great job," You praised her, and she looked up at you with a wide smile, her eyes sparkling with pride.

"I want it to be perfect," Kaia said, smoothing out a small clump of peanut butter that had stubbornly stuck to one spot. "Mommy, do you think Brynn will like it too?"

Your heart melted at her words. "I'm sure she will," you assured her. "But I think it's more important that you like it. After all, you’re the one making it."

Kaia nodded, her expression serious as she finished with the peanut butter and reached for the jelly. As she carefully spread it over the second slice of toast, you couldn’t help but feel a surge of love for this little girl who had become your whole world. She was so sweet, so caring, always thinking of others—even her baby sister, who was too young to appreciate a good peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

Once the sandwich was assembled, Kaia handed it to you with a proud smile. "All done!"

"Perfect," you said, cutting the sandwich into triangles just the way she liked it. You placed the pieces on a plate and added a handful of grapes on the side.

"I need to wash my hands first," Kaia slid down from the stool to rush to the bathroom. She almost ran into Natasha in her haste.

"Slow down, speed racer," Natasha said.

"Sorry," Kaia apologized before she sidestepped the other woman.

Natasha rolled her eyes playfully before she made her way towards you.

"Is she okay?" You asked.

"She's fine," Natasha shook her head. "I think she has too much energy."

"With Kaia, there's never too much energy," You joked. You made a silly face at Brynn, who was now nestled comfortably in Natasha's arms. As you looked at her, a familiar pang of surprise hit you. Brynn's resemblance to Keith was undeniable, from the shape of her eyes to the soft curls that framed her tiny face. It was always startling, like a sudden reminder of the past you’d left behind. Not that it made you love her any less your love for her was boundless, unshakable. But there was something about seeing that resemblance, the way it drew you back to a chapter you had long since closed.

Life had turned out in ways you hadn’t expected. You hadn't seen Keith since that day in the tower when you’d said goodbye for what you hoped would be the last time. For the sake of the girls, you prayed it stayed that way. Brynn was yours, part of the little family you had built with Natasha and Kaia, and you were determined to keep her world safe and full of love.

Watching Natasha gently rock Brynn, you felt a deep sense of peace. This was your life now—one filled with love, laughter, and the kind of stability you once feared would never come.

"So, when were you going to tell me you finished with your last class? You're officially a graduate now," Natasha smiled. She buckled Brynn into the high chair all the while glancing back at you for an answer.

"Oh," You hadn't even given it a second thought. "I guess I didn't realize it until now. But yes, I'm done."

Natasha's smile widened as she stepped closer, wrapping her arms around you in a warm embrace. "I'm so proud of you," she said, her voice filled with genuine admiration.

The hug was comforting, something you'd come to cherish deeply. You'd discovered over time that Natasha was incredibly affectionate, especially with you. She wasn’t just a hugger; she thrived on physical touch, always finding little ways to connect. Whether it was your feet in her lap during movie nights, her fingers gently massaging away the tension of the day or the soothing presence of her hand on your back, Natasha’s touch was always there, grounding you, reminding you of the bond you shared.

You hugged her back, letting yourself sink into the warmth of the moment. "I didn't even realize it," you admitted, feeling a bit sheepish. "I’ve been so caught up with everything, I didn’t take the time to acknowledge it."

"Well, I’m acknowledging it," Natasha said, pulling back slightly to look at you, her eyes shining with pride. "You’ve worked so hard for this, and you deserve to celebrate. We’ll have to do something special."

You smiled, touched by her thoughtfulness. "Maybe we could," you said, your heart swelling with affection.

Natasha's hand lingered on your arm, her thumb brushing lightly against your skin. "You’ve come so far, and I’ve loved watching you grow. You should be proud of yourself."

The sincerity in her voice took your breath away, and you found yourself at a loss for words. Instead, you pulled her into another hug, savoring the feeling of her arms around you, knowing that, with her support, you were truly on the path to healing.

"A hug without me?" Kaia padded into the kitchen. She sounded genuinely concerned which made you chuckle.

"You want in?" Natasha asked her.

Kaia nodded, reaching her hands up to you. You bent down to lift her. "Group hugs are the best," Kaia announced.

"They are the best," Natasha agreed. You were impressed with the little one's vocabulary and you'd suspect her time being the only child in the Tower contributed to that.

"Mommy?" Kaia looked at you. "When are we having lunch?"

"We can have it now," You told her. "Your plate is on the table."

"Yay!" She wiggled out of your hold and rushed to the dining table. "The last one to the table is a rotten egg." That one is all Sam's doing.

"You better hurry before she devours it," Natasha chuckled.

"She will," You nodded. You grabbed a hold of Natasha's hand and dragged her over to the table. "Come on, Mama." You teased.

Kaia's smile widened at your words.

You both sat down with the little girl. Kaia had already begun munching on her sandwich, a small dollop of jelly at the corner of her mouth. You grabbed a napkin and gently wiped it away.

This life was all you ever wanted.

**********

Hours later, you slipped out of the kids' room, the soft creak of the door barely audible in the quiet suite. The soothing lullaby coming from their room faded as you padded softly through the hallways.

As you wandered through the dimly lit halls, you decided to check in with JARVIS, “JARVIS, have you seen Natasha?”

“Miss Romanoff is on the sky deck,” Jarvis responded in his calm, neutral tone.”She requests your presence at your earliest convenience.”

Curiosity piqued, and you made your way to the sky deck. The elevator ride felt slower than usual, anticipation building with each passing second. When the doors finally opened, you stepped out into the crisp night air. You weren’t properly dressed for the slight chill. The sky deck was illuminated by a soft, gentle glow, and you were greeted by the flickering light of candles arranged in a cozy setup.

A small table was set up, adorned with an elegant tablecloth and a few candles casting a warm, inviting light. On the table, there was a neatly wrapped present with a small teddy bear attached to it. The teddy bear was wearing a cap and gown and was holding a tiny card that read: “Congratulations on your graduation.” Followed by a hand-drawn heart and Natasha’s signature.

Natasha was standing nearby, her silhouette illuminated by the candlelight. She turned as she heard you approaching, her eyes softening into a tender smile.

“What’s all this?”

“I wanted to celebrate with you,” she said, her voice carrying a hint of nervousness as if she was unsure of how you would react.

You felt a rush of warmth and gratitude. “Natasha, this is beautiful,” you said, your voice filled with emotion. You walked over to the table, taking in the thoughtful details. The teddy bear, the candles, the gift—it was all so perfectly Natasha, combining her warmth and affection with her desire to make you feel special.

“I just wanted to do something nice for you,” Natasha said, her gaze dropping to the gift. “You’ve worked so hard, and I’m so proud of you. I thought this would be a nice way to celebrate.”

You reached out, taking her hand in yours. “Thank you. This means more to me than you know.”

Natasha looked up at you, her eyes shining with emotion. You stepped closer, your free hand coming to rest on her cheek, stroking her skin gently. She leaned into your touch, and you could feel the heat radiating from her skin. You felt a spark of desire, your body drawn to hers.

Natasha seemed to feel it too, and she took a small step forward, closing the space between you. You felt your heart rate quicken as she leaned in, her lips brushing against yours in a soft, gentle kiss.

"Is this a date?" You questioned as you pulled back. Natasha chuckled.

"Do you want it to be?"

You pretended to think about it for a second before nodding, "Yes."

"Good, because I got us food from your favorite restaurant," Natasha smiled, guiding you to sit at the table.

"Are we going to discuss what just happened?" You gestured to the spot you'd been standing only moments ago.

"What? You're not hungry?" Natasha feigned confusion.

"Oh, I'm very hungry," You grinned.

"Then we should eat," She replied, ignoring your teasing.

"I was talking about you," You said, watching as a slight blush spread across her cheeks. "That kiss was something I've been wanting to do for a long while."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah," You nodded, a small smile playing on your lips. "And now that we're on a date, I think we can safely say that we're a couple."

Natasha chuckled. "I think we've been a couple long before this."

"We have," You agreed, squeezing her hand.

Natasha smiled, and you couldn't help but notice how beautiful she looked in the candlelight. Her hair was pulled back into a loose braid, and she was wearing a simple black t-shirt and jeans. "I'm sorry I didn't plan this out a lot better," She brushed a hand over her braid.

"Don't apologize," You told her. "We're both busy and we have two young girls. There's not a lot of time to plan these kinds of things. I also didn't tell you about the graduation thing so."

"I'll do better," Natasha promised.

"Nat, seriously, this is great," You shook your head. "I'm not saying it because I think I deserve less or anything like that. My favorite moments spent with you are when it's just us. You can't say if you'd taken me to a restaurant people wouldn't be all over you to take a picture or sign something."

"But-"

"I don't need anything fancy, okay?"

Natasha nodded. "I understand."

"Okay, enough serious talk," You said, picking up the present. You shake the box. "What is this?"

"Open it and find out," Natasha smirked.

You unwrapped the present and pulled open the box. Inside, nestled on a bed of soft fabric, was a tennis bracelet. Its design was understated yet refined— a delicate chain of polished metal, adorned with a continuous line of small, shimmering diamonds. The stones were evenly spaced, their natural sparkle catching the light with each gentle movement.

The bracelet was crafted with care, its smooth links fitting together seamlessly. It wasn’t flashy or overwhelming but exuded a quiet sophistication. It was the kind of piece that could be worn every day, adding a touch of elegance without being too showy.

It was perfect.

"Nat, it's beautiful," You said, holding the bracelet up to admire the way it shimmered. "I love it."

Natasha seemed relieved. "I'm glad. I had a feeling it would look good on you."

"You're so good to me," You sighed. "I honestly don't know what I'd do without you."

Natasha's gaze softened. "I think you'd do just fine," She said.

"You're too modest," You said, setting the bracelet back in the box. "You've been there for me through some of the hardest times of my life. You're not just a hero to me, you're my friend, my partner."

"You make me feel special," Natasha murmured, a faint smile crossing her lips. "And I'm grateful to have you in my life. I never imagined I could have this—a family, a home, someone to love."

There's a pause between the two of you.

"You love me?" You ask.

Natasha nods, her expression soft and open. "I do. I have for a while, I think. But I was afraid to admit it."

"And now?"

Natasha leans forward, resting her hand on yours. "I'm not afraid anymore. I love you, and I'm ready to take this next step with you."

Your heart swells with happiness, and you lean forward to kiss her, a soft, gentle kiss.

You pulled back, smiling softly. "I love you, too," you said, a sense of joy filling you as the words left your lips. "And I'm ready to take the next step with you, too."

Natasha's grin widened, and she stood up with the expectation that you would follow. She extended her arms to pull you close. You enjoyed the feeling of her body pressed against yours. You inhaled the familiar scent of her soap, the warmth enveloping your body. Being in Natasha's arms is your favorite place to be.

"You're beautiful," Natasha murmured.

You could feel the heat rushing to your cheeks. You buried your face in her shoulder, savoring the moment. You were happy, truly happy, and you hoped that this feeling would never fade.

You pulled back slightly, still nestled in Natasha’s embrace, the cool night air mingling with the warmth of her body. You gazed out at the city lights below the sky deck. The stillness of the night provided a peaceful backdrop for your thoughts, and you found yourself reflecting deeply on the journey that had brought you here.

It was incredible to think about how you’d found someone who truly completed you. The path hadn’t been easy—your past with Keith had been filled with pain and uncertainty, and the process of rediscovering yourself had been long and demanding. Yet, as you stood here with Natasha, you couldn’t help but feel a profound sense of gratitude and clarity.

You understood now why waiting had been so important. You needed time to heal, to find your footing again, and to reconnect with who you were after everything you’d been through. That period of self-discovery had been essential for understanding your worth and what you truly wanted from life. It was during that time that you learned to recognize your own needs and desires and to appreciate your strength and resilience.

And Natasha—she was the one who added so much to this newfound sense of self. Her presence in your life was not just a comfort but a reflection of everything you had come to understand about yourself. She embodied the partnership you had always hoped for, one that was built on trust, understanding, and unconditional love. Natasha’s love had shown you that you deserved this, that you were worthy of such a profound connection.

As you held her close, you realized that all the waiting, all the time spent finding yourself, had led you to this moment of perfect clarity. You felt a deep, abiding sense of contentment, knowing that you were no longer defined by your past but by the love and strength you had cultivated within yourself. With Natasha by your side, you were ready to embrace the future with a renewed sense of hope and purpose.

The journey had been worth it, and standing here, enveloped in Natasha’s warmth, you felt a profound sense of peace. This was where you were meant to be.

fin

#black reader #natasha romanoff #natasha x reader #black widow x reader #black widow x female reader #natasha romanov #natasha x you #natsxaddiction

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futterurl · 1 year ago

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Owe It To You

Josh Futturman x fem!reader

WARNINGS: smut (mdni!), oral(f!recieving), fingering, clit play, female anatomy on reader

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you were tired, to say the least.

going back in time, checking on the future to the same, demented outcome, really took a toll on you guys. it always seemed as if every effort and alternative path taken for the future didn’t matter.

you were lost in thought as tiger and wolf fought with each other, it was the same empty argument: wolf didn’t listen, tiger wanted control. it was draining to hear.

you all were in Joosh’s super house, taking a peek at how fucked up you all made this future. you left the living room in frustration, heading up to Joosh’s room.

you crashed onto the bed, covering your face with a pillow, letting out a low groan. you were tired of all the fighting, all the time travel, everything. you needed a break.

you heard a knock on the door, followed by a calming voice asking, “hey, you okay?”

you lifted the pillow from your face, seeing josh, peaking the door open, worry etched on his eyebrows. he knew how much of a toll this was starting to take on you, you guys were best friends, after all.

“yeah, just…tired, is all.” you half mumbled into the pillow, just loud enough so he could barely hear.

he leaned off the door and sat on the bed that you lay on. he scratched your head.

“something’s telling me there’s more to it than that.” he inquired.

“i don’t know…i guess i’m just tired of all this shit.” you began. “we try so hard to perfect the future, but are met with the same outcome. i’ve been trying to think left and right of new ideas…nothing’s working.”

he understood that this was only the tip of the iceberg, regarding your feelings for all this. when you got roped up into this mess, you left more behind than him. you left behind an internship you had busted your ass off for, and two other jobs, which you probably got fired from, due to your absence.

you had two different jobs just to meet ends meet, in your shitty apartment. sure, they were crappy, dead-end jobs, but they helped you get ends meet. you were somehow able to balance those along with your internship which you fought so hard to get.

all down the drain.

in a way, it was relieving, not having to juggle all of this, living every day as a drained, sleep deprived zombie.

unfortunately, this scenario was just like everything else in your life: there was no way out.

“i know, i know…i really am sorry you got dragged into this. it’s all my fault.” josh sighed.

it had just been a fun night of you guys playing video games, finally beating this one you guys had been playing for…forever. once you guys were just hanging out and talking about it, in a flash of light, wolf and tiger had appeared, needing the people who beat the game’s help. immediately. you both were there, so they needed the both of you.

“it’s not your fault, josh…we did it together, we gotta get through this together.” it really wasn’t his fault. you didn’t want him to think that.

“no, it is. i’m constantly getting you roped into all the shit that happens in my life, and you’ve been working your ass off to fix this timeline. you deserve better.” josh stroked your hair.

you sat up. “it’s okay, josh. there’s nobody i’d rather fix the timeline with.”

“still, it’s not fair. all of this isn’t fair. let me…let me make it up to you.” he seemed a bit nervous and started hesitating on his words.

you started to feel a little hot. “how would you go about ‘making it up to me’, josh?”

you did not expect what he did next.

josh was this awkward gamer nerd who had never felt the touch of a woman before. he’d always been so out of place and nervous talking to anyone, which made it so weird to hear what he said next.

“let…let me make you feel good.” his hand laying on the bed crept closer to your thigh, covered by your pants.

you started to get a little nervous yet excited. you had never seen him be this bold before.

“you’ve been so stressed by everything in life, and i mean everything. a-and you never have anyone help you out with anything. i want to help you…feel good, like stress relief.” his pinkie played with the fabric of your pants.

you couldn’t believe this was real right now. josh, the one you had known for years, barely having the balls to talk to girls besides you, doing this. your mine was racing.

he noticed how quiet you were being. “o-of course you don’t have to let me do it if you don’t want to! it was just an idea, it was stupid, i don’t wanna make you uncomfortable or anythi-”

he was cut off by you kissing him, hand holding his jawline. he melted into the kiss.

as you pulled away, you smiled. “i…i think i do want this. please, josh. make me feel good.”

“okay…okay..” he started to trail off with his words as his thumb ran back and forth on your cheek. “before i do this, i just wanna let you know that if you’re uncomfortable, please tell me, and we’ll be done. won’t have to speak of it ever again. promise.”

he was very sweet. sure, he was awkward, but he put your comfort and pleasure first. it made you feel happy and safe.

he went back to softly kissing you as his hand went slightly under your shirt and rubbed your waist, just above your pants. soft, delicate touches.

as he unbuttoned your pants, he tapped your hips twice, signaling for you to lift them up. as you did, he tugged your pants down at an agonizingly slow pace. he was such a fucking tease.

his eyes became infatuated with your lace underwear you were wearing. the way it clung to your hips was driving him mad. he hoped you couldn’t tell how crazy you were making him. he toyed with the fabric as you smiled.

“as much as i love these,” he snapped them on your hips. “i’m gonna have to take them off. is that okay with you?”

you felt so safe, knowing how tender he was being. he didn’t want to fuck this up. you lifted your hips. “that’s more than okay with me, josh.” you played with a handful of his hair.

he dragged your panties down your legs, exposing your glistening cunt to him. he audibly gasped, he couldn’t believe he was doing this to you. sure, he always thought you were sweet, and even fantasized about doing things like this to you, but he didn’t think it’d ever happen.

he was lost in thought, staring at your cunt. you started to get insecure, closing your legs. “josh, stop staring.” you pleaded.

he shook his head. “sorry, you’re just…so beautiful. i can’t believe it.” he thumbed little circles on your inner thigh.

“can i…feel you? down there, i mean?” he asked. god, he was so awkward it was funny.

you nodded your head. “yeah. please.”

his fingers started inching closer and closer to where you needed them most. suddenly, he ran one through your slit, barely touching your clit. you shuddered. that felt good.

“fuck…you’re so wet. you’re so hot.” he ran his finger slowly around your clit, seeing if he’d get any reactions from you. you silently gasped.

“that..that felt really good. please keep doing that.” you felt so good right now. no guy had ever focused on making you feel good before. this was new. you liked it.

“god, please moan for me. love the little noises y’make.” josh was rubbing your clit a bit faster, making you let out a quiet moan.

“f..fuck. feels good. really good.” feeling that little area constantly stimulated was the ticket. you hadn’t felt this good in a long time.

“can i…can i put a finger in?” he asked, slowing down his aggression on your clit.

you furiously nodded your head, your pussy clamping down on nothing. wanting to be filled. by him.

“please, please josh.” you said, getting lost in the pleasure. you let out a grunt as he slowly inserted a finger inside you.

“fuck, it’s only one finger but you’re so tight, fuck.” he started to ramble as he moved his finger in your wetness. you squirmed a bit. it felt so good, his thick finger getting lost in you.

“m’ gonna put another one im, ‘kay?” he asked, prodding another finger to your tight hole. you nodded, to which he slowly put it in. you groaned at the tight stretch.

“you good?” he asked. he wanted this to be good for you. the last thing he wanted to do was hurt you.

“yeah, was just..new, was all. please keep going. feels good.” you went on.

he did just that. he curled his fingers inside you, pumping them at a quick pace. that, with stimulation he was putting from his thumb to your clit, was making you moan left and right. you felt something stirring inside you.

“god, you’re so cute like this…should’ve done this sooner.” he gushed, turning you on even more.

“fuck, m’close.” you panted.

as soon as the feeling met you, it left as he pulled his fingers out of you.

you looked up at him, confused. “why’d you do that?” you asked.

he started to sink down. “as much as i was getting into that, i wanna see you cum on my tongue.” he kissed your thighs.

you felt the wetness pool inside you even more once he said that. god, you couldn’t get that image out of your head now.

“please, fuck, josh. make me cum on your tongue.” you pleaded as he slowly trailed to your inner thighs, giving them a lot of attention. you had taken him for the thigh guy, but not to this extent.

“since you asked so nicely…” he lowered his head, taking a long lick to your cunt, you releasing a pornographic moan.

“fuck…feels s’good josh…oh my god.” you had never felt this type of pleasure anywhere, and here he was, giving it to you like his life depended on it.

he gave a light kiss to your clit before lightly tracing his tongue over it, testing the waters. once he heard you becoming a moaning mess, he licked it with more vigor, wanting to pull these moans out of you.

the stimulation felt like no other, him focusing on making out with your clit and entrance. he pulled your thighs closer to his face as he licked at more of your slick.

you pulled at his hair, letting out breathy moans. he groaned at this. hard. right into your cunt, which felt so fucking good. you could feel your back arch off the bed as he lapped into your juices, him tonguing your clit. your nails scratched at his scalp as that familiar pit in your stomach came back.

“josh…so close…holy shit.” you moaned as his tongue swirled around you.

“please, come on my face. please.” he pleaded. the vibrations his voice sent to your core sending you even closer. “wanna make you feel better than you ever have. come on my tongue.”

one final stroke of his tongue lead you to your peak, your thighs tightening around his face. you let out incoherent babbles as you came on him. he continued to lick you as you rode out your high.

once you calmed down, you looked down at him, catching your breath. he had slick all over his face and wore a dopey smile. “are you okay?” he asked.

“never better.” you replied. “that felt so fucking good josh. thank you. so much.” you caressed his cheek.

“i hope it’s not too weird to tell you i enjoyed that.” he had a slight tint of red on his cheeks.

“oh! not at all. it was amazing. i can’t thank you enough.” you smiled, laying onto the pillow.

“no, i can’t thank you enough. you always stay by my side and always fix my messes. this is the least that i could do.” he said as he handed you a glass of water that was sitting on the nightstand, which you took.

“i’ll always be here for you, if you ever wanna do shit like this again, or even something soothing like a massage.” he added.

you put the glass of water down, hugging him. “you’re so sweet, josh. i appreciate it so much. you’re such a good person, i really hope you know that.”

“anything else you need?” he asked.

“take a nap with me for awhile?” you asked. you had gotten very sleepy.

“of course.” he get under the covers, cuddling you and stroking your hair. “i’ll do anything for you, i hope you know that.”

you nuzzled into his chest, getting comfortable. “you too, joshy.” you mumbled as you started to fall into a deep sleep.

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a/n: hi guys first(ish) post. hope u enjoyed :p pls send requests as well! i’m so bad at ideas

#josh futturman smut #josh futturman #josh futturman x reader #future man #future man smut

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judesmoonbeauty · 5 months ago

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Miss Fairytale Keeper, Come Have Fun With Us: Nica Schwartz EPILOGUE

Translations will not include screenshots or CGs as mentioned here. Fan translation only. Not 100% accurate. Please expect grammatical errors. Cybird owns everything. Feel free to re-blog, but please do not post my translations elsewhere. Thank you, for you support! ☾.

Nica: She truly is a cute robin.

I heard a muttered voice and turned around, but he just smiled and waved.

Kate: Did you say something?

Nica: Nothing at all. Anyway, if you don’t go home, then will you keep doing naughty things with me?

Kate: I won’t!

When I turned away from him, Nica began to walk ahead, chuckling.

(I’m so tired today…..)

(It’s all because of Nica’s teasing me)

As I watched his nonchalant back, I felt a little irritated, but I didn’t feel any regret about taking his hand.

[Transitions to the Palace.]

One day, a few days after the mission —

(I’m glad the issue was exposed because there was evidence of illegal gambling.)

It was thought that the evidence had been lost in the fire, but a ledger left at the scene revealed illegal gambling, and was delivered to Her Majesty the Queen.

(This is just the tip of the iceberg.)

I recalled Nica’s words and came to a halt.

(Still, I think we need to solve the problems in front of us one at a time.)

With a changed mindset, I started walking,

(Maybe I should talk to Nica about it?)

I turned on my heel to search the entire palace to lay out the facts.

Nica: I found a cute robin looking for me.

At that moment, Nica appeared before me and I jumped in surprise.

Kate: How did you know I was looking for you?

Nica: Heh, so you really were looking for me.

(I’ve been taken along for a ride…..)

Nica: Is there something you wanted to say to me?

Nica: How about some tea?

When I accepted the invitation with a nod, he escorted me to the drawing room, where I sat down on the sofa.

Nica: So, you wanted to have a chat about the casino the other day?

Kate: How’s that….

Nica: I’m a staff officer, right?

Nica: Information gathering is a skill.

He takes a sip of his tea and begins cutting the deck of playing cards he has in hand.

Nica: The core of the aristocrats were arrested, but the children of the upper class were released on bail.

Nica: Well, they’re nothing more than debauched sons and daughters.

Kate: …..People who’ve lost everything because of gambling.

Nica: At best they’ll go to a rescue institution, otherwise won’t they die in ditch somewhere? [1]

Nica: I don’t care what happens to the gambling addicts.

I frowned at his skillful shuffling.

Kate: They certainly brought it upon themselves.

Kate: But I don't believe that all of the people who attacked me had ill intentions that were beyond the point of no return.

Whatever the reason, it was a crime to cause an explosion and attack so many people.

Kate: I don’t approve of methods that do not allow room for rehabilitation.

Nica’s eyes widened and he blinks repeatedly.

Then, there’s a loud laugh.

Nica: I’m jealous that a kind young lady is worried about them.

Nica: Would you like to gamble to find out how they feel?

Kate: Huh?

Nica: You might understand if you experience the thrill of not knowing if you’ll win or lose,

Nica: The exhilaration of winning and the despair of losing.

When I gazed at him who was dealing the cards alternately,

Nica: What will you bet? Money? Your body?

Kate: I won’t bet that!

Nica: The bigger the stakes, the more intense it is.

When he picks up the cards dealt,

Nica: If I win, show me around the city.

Nica: Of course, without telling Crown.

Nica discards a pair of matching cards, and I realize this is a game of Old Maid.

Nica: You might not be trusted as a fairytale keeper anymore.

Kate: What’s in it for me?

Nica: If you win, I’ll tell you all about us.

Kate: What?

He flashed a card,

Nica: What’s our aim, what we’re going to do, I’ll answer all your questions.

Nica: What will you do?

He smiled meaningfully and crossed his legs.

(Maybe I can learn about “their lies” that Harrison was talking about.)

Kate: I’ll do it.

Nica: Now you’re talking.

Taking a deep breath I faced it.

Nica: Ladies first.

As he said that, I reached and pulled out a card, but

(Ah,)

I drew the joker, and resisted the urge to make a facial expression.

Then Nica smiled widely.

(Maybe he knows what I drew…..?)

Nica: Why are you staring at me like that. Have you fallen in love with me?

This battle may have been decided who’d lose from the start.

Ftn [1] 野垂れ死に 'Notarejini' - Literally, to die in a field or die a dog’s death.

[Master List] Dividers: @.adornedwithlight

Tags list: @sh0jun @theimaginativelyreticent @sapphire-323 @letter-from-afar @nateko Please let me know if you'd like to be added to my tags list!

#nica schwartz #ikevil nica #nica schwartz translations #ikevil translations #cybird translations

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lean-mean-demon-genevieve · 8 months ago

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I’m not interested in defending celebrities, to be so for real, but I am interested in a crumb of whatever drugs this blogger is on. This kind of standom delusion must feel amazing. 💊💊

It’s so funny to me when stans go after each other and fail to realize that they are all engaging in the same kind of “Nuh-uh! That other side sucks the hardest because of all this very biased data I’ve compiled” type of arguing. I’m also not interested in warring with any stan blogs, but this was just so egregious and needed to be debunked. So let’s unpack:

Right off the bat, this blog has used the word tokenize incorrectly. This means to use someone as a symbol of inclusion or compliance with regulations, or to avoid the appearance of discrimination or prejudice.

I think they are intending to refer to the kids being a commodity to exploit in the overall branding of the family; that they are being objectified. And one only has to skim the Instagram feeds of Danneel and Gen to see which family is more heavy-handed. “Danneel’s entire Instagram use to be solely about that.”Based on what, exactly? Danneel’s very first post is of Jensen and JJ, yes, and her identity as wife and mother is (gasp) very much on display ever since. But…that’s to be expected, right?! After all, sharing those parts of their family life on socials is exactly the whole point and why anyone initially followed. It is that behind the scenes peek into the family lives of J2 that drew people in. It’s not as if either of these women has much of a fan base on their own and neither of them were acting at the time their IG accounts launched.

A quick side-by-side of the 2 accounts at about the same point in time (2017/2018) shows little differences in themes of content:

This blog further claims that “Genevieve and Jared are intelligently including their children where needed” and doing so in “genuine, selfless ways.” *snorts* At the time of this writing, Danneel has 458 posts and Gen has 1,833. Now, I didn’t review each post but the few tags I saw included in family photos were Disneyland and Warner Bros when they visited in recent years. I did not see multiple paid partnership ads featuring the Ackles children. I’m open to anyone proving me wrong, because by sheer volume my argument will still stand. In a random sampling of 2021, we have a string of posts of the Pada-kids that double as ads to varying degrees. Here are just a few examples:

Now you might say, “ok but these are products for children and families…that still seems pretty thoughtful.” Except that one need only scroll a little farther to see the kids included in brand deals for adult supplements, exercise gear, cleaning products, and even shampoo.

All of these products still fit in the “items that help me be a great mom” theme of the Now & Gen era, but this is still blatantly using images of the kids for profit in ways that the Ackles just have not done. What is shown here is just the tip of the iceberg and does not include the other attempts at branding on the failed Now & Gen blog or the YouTube vlog. So I’m not sure how the Pads have only used the kids “when needed” when this family was never going to go hungry without these endorsement deals.

Comparing the volume of likes on Gen’s IG posts that contain the children vs those that do not makes it seem likely that someone has been paying attention to the trends and has concluded that utilizing the children in ads has more earning potential. This is the current climate of social media marketing. These outcomes are in fact considered.

The idea that kids should be allowed to “earn money or have a brand” if they want is actually incredibly irresponsible. Protecting the safety of children that are a part of family content creation was a popular topic over the last year. There have been several examples of families who lost the plot in their efforts to market their children in order to achieve financial gain. What an asinine claim to make for children in general when Google is right there. And I love a link, so here’s a few: X, X, and X. It’s too early to definitively summarize the harm that the Pads might be causing their kids with all the exposure. Even when parents are not intentionally exploiting, their children are too young to consent to this type of “work.” Their brains are literally not developed enough to consider the long term pros and cons. All of this sets them up for potential harm, the risk of which makes none of this a need.

“What’s wrong are self-centered, clueless parents who only show off their kids to benefit off of a certain image.” (Pretending I can’t see the self-centered bit because woooo boy…Gen…😬) But aren’t both families posting photos of their kids to “benefit” off of their image of “family?” It’s baked into the Spn and even Walker marketing. The fandoms have been referred to as a family almost since their inception, so it only makes sense that fans were interested in the leads and their own growing families. Again, both families have benefitted but the Pads have benefitted all the way to the bank. And some Padalecki stans are quick to point this out as a win. If the above blog wants to congratulate Gen on her shrewd sense of business and use of capitalism, then that is a whole other thing and they should just come out and say that without making anyone out to be a saint.

One should take note that nowhere in here have I said that Danneel or Jensen are better people than anyone. I didn’t praise them for anything or proclaim their intentions are always pure of heart. How could anyone know that, except by virtue of the faith that comes along with extreme fandom? And that faith isn’t the same as screenshots, numbers, and patterns.

As always: Pedestals aren’t for people. Hold everyone accountable, even your faves. They will survive.✌🏼

#anti genevieve #but actually more like #anti stan culture #be your own hero

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d1xonss · 1 year ago

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Desert Rose

Chapter 1 ~ Introductions

✧ Pairing : Daryl Dixon x Rose

✧ Era : Season 1

✧ Word Count : 4.2k

In this chapter ~ In a life full of unexpected turns, this one by far hit Rose the hardest. A disease begins to spread when the dead are somehow brought back to life, that alone being the tip of the iceberg of what she remains to be faced with. When it all leads to her fighting for her life in Atlanta, she meets a group that ends up saving her from what she thought was the end of her rope. But when they bring her along for their great escape out of the dead infested city, she's faced with a decision that seemed to be more difficult than she first realized.

AN ~ Hi! So this is my very first post and series on tumblr and I’m still very much trying to get the feel of things lol. I originally uploaded the first two seasons of this fanfiction to wattpad and am still uploading frequently there, but I also wanted to give this a try as well. Just putting it on a different platform for more people to see:)

I will admit before you read, I started writing this story a little while ago so the phrasing and writing might be a little rusty at first seeing as I was just starting out. But I promise it gets better as it goes on, trust me! I hope whoever reads this grows to love it as much as I do. I will be uploading here as much as I can and adjusting to the new feel of things on here as quick as I can.

And I think that’s all for now! I hope you enjoy!

Fear.

That's the only emotion anyone ever feels anymore, or that's at least what I believe. Considering I've been on my own since the beginning, fear is something that I've had to grow accustomed to. And the world going to shit only made me realize how alone I truly was. How little I had to rely on as I saved myself time and time again. Though I had a family, the people whom I was bonded to by blood, they were nothing but a memory to me now. Reminding myself I was on my own for a reason.

I always knew how to take care of myself, simply because that was all I ever knew, and I was always silently thankful for that. I couldn't imagine living in this world and not knowing how to fight, or fend for yourself, so I considered myself lucky. I caught on quickly when it came time to start killing the dead, the very first time I had taken one out still haunts me to this day. The first feeling of fear I had felt in a very long time. I've learned the hard way that you never quite shake the feeling.

I had a day off from work, which was rare, just sitting in my apartment painting while the T.V. played quietly in the background. But then the whole atmosphere changed, nearly in a split second it felt like. My ears perked up when I suddenly heard blood curdling screams coming from the hallway just outside, instantly sending me flying to the front door to press my ear up against the surface. The desperate pleas and cries only seemed to worsen as the seconds ticked by, causing me to cautiously open my door to see two disgusting looking corpses going after a few of my neighbors. I froze at the scene before me.

They were trying to fight them off with random inanimate objects clutched tightly in their hands, flinching away as they tried desperately to fight back, screaming in utter terror. A part of me was torn, not wanting to step in and actually kill these things that looked exactly like us. People. But these things were no longer human, anyone could see that from a mile away.

I quickly snapped back into reality as my mind was made up, rushing back into my apartment to grab a large steak knife from my kitchen drawer, the blade glistening under the florescent light. My legs sprinted back through the corridor only moments later, stepping in as I shoved the thing up against the wall to get it away from the small group of people that had formed around it, causing the thing to growl as it looked directly at me. Goosebumps formed on my skin at the sight, quickly twirling the knife around to stab it in the chest, but it only continued to flail around in my grasp. My eyes widened as the monster didn't seem the least bit phased, trying again and again desperately to get its clawing hands away from me.

But finally, it a fit of aggravation, I took the blade and stabbed it right in between its eyes, silencing it completely as it fell limp out of my hold and onto the carpeted floor. My breathing was ragged as the others continued to panic loudly from just behind my frame, but I stayed completely still as I couldn't take my eyes away from the being I just murdered. I felt disgusting, horrified, and dazed. Though one thing I knew for certain, I couldn't stay here.

I didn't hesitate then to storm back into my home and pack a larger duffle bag full of my stuff to evacuate, knowing that this couldn't have just been happening here. Curiosity got the better of me as I flipped through the T.V. channels, landing on the news which showed utter chaos and live footage of these things attacking more people in many different countries. My heart seemed to stop for a moment as I watched, seeing that the world was nearly coming to an end as countless military machinery were flooding down the streets, attempting to put a stop to this before it spread.

I didn't know what to do, where I would go, but I wanted to get as far away from here as possible. Looking into the dead eyes of the monster really didn't sit too well with me.

Though after that day, life was never the same. The dead slowly took over everything, killing off anyone they could get a hold of and silencing the planet completely. Leaving everyone who was left alive, utterly terrified and alone.

Two whole months had passed since the dreaded outbreak, and I found myself to be moving constantly. Never staying in the same place for too long, before packing up to move on and stay alive. That's truly all that mattered anymore.

Without having a real clear destination in mind, I somehow ended up in the city of Atlanta Georgia, just passing through the large structures hoping to gather some supplies before moving on all over again. But what I didn't expect, was to see hundreds of corpses filling the streets. My eyes widened at the sight as soon as I turned the corner, hoping to just silently slip away as I backed up from the giant swarm. But a few of their heads turned as they somehow spotted me, and the numbers only grew from there.

I practically sprinted in the other direction as fast as I could, slipping in between a few buildings to try and outrun the many that chased me with outstretched hands. But somehow, I ended up right in a dead end, the alley being blocked off by a giant wall in which I couldn't escape. My heart pounded as I slowly turned back around to face the dead, seeming to accept my fate as I had nowhere else to turn.

And that brings me to today. No, I didn't die...but if I'm being honest, a part of me wished that I had.

Instead of feeling the corpse's dead fingers tearing into me, a few living people came out of nowhere from the tall building to my right and began killing off the dead one by one, right before my eyes. I stood completely still as I thought at first I might be dreaming, but one of the men quickly grabbing my arm and pulling me along like a rag doll told me it was far from that.

Anyone else would be grateful for these people being at the right place at the right time, but I unfortunately didn't work too well with others, so grateful isn't really the word I would use.

So, currently you could say I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place as I racked my brain, trying to figure out how to get out of the situation I was put in. One of the men that had saved me was wearing a God awful hat that made me want to walk back in the herd of walkers. His name, I learned, was Rick Grimes and he and his group were the ones that helped me get out of the pickle I got myself in, along with dragging me with them as they too escaped from the large city of Atlanta. From what I overheard the others talking loudly about, they had just managed to save Rick as well, who was having just as bad of a day as I was, an hour before they saved me. To me it looked like we were both just random strangers that they decided to pick up like lost dogs.

Though I was weary of them, the rest of the group seemedto be nice enough, except for this asshole Merle who was this racist, sexist, piece of shit. Spewing out slurs and insults from his lips every five minutes and only pushing my urge further to walk towards the flesh eating monsters. Wanting to just end my suffering. Though, to make a very long story short, we ended up leaving him handcuffed on the roof of a building where we were once trapped. And much to my surprise, it wasn't on purpose. Rick eventually had enough of the man's bullshit and took his fancy, shiny handcuffs to lock him in place on a metal pole, and a man named T-Dog accidentally dropped his key to freedom down a drain.

But when the time came, we had no choice but to leave him when the dead had broken into the building we were holed up in. The only option we really had now was to maybe go back for him later. Maybe. But to put it into perspective on how uncomfortable I was, riding in this truck with them to their camp...I would rather switch places with Merle.

I was suddenly pulled out of my thoughts when the vehicle we were riding in stopped abruptly, assuming we were at the sanctuary these people had been talking so much about. I took a moment to lean forward and glance out the windshield at my surroundings, not liking the feeling that was forming in my gut at the thought of meeting anyone new. But Rick caught me scanning the area, reading my expression from where he sat in the passenger seat and clearly sensed my nerves.

Though he eventually caught my eye, "Don't worry too much...we're in this together." he assured, flashing a half smile at me that made the corners of his eyes wrinkle.

I raised my eyebrows at his attempt. Oh, thank God we're in this together.

The man who was driving, Morales, told us to come out and meet everyone with a nod before he jumped out of the truck to run to his family. I shared another uneasy look with Rick before slowly following his actions to see for myself what I would be dealing with. My gaze scanned through everyone that was gathered around and instantly all their attention was on me once they heard my door slam shut. I grew uncomfortable at all the watchful eyes boring holes straight into my forehead, but the kid named Glenn eventually stepped in when he sensed the obvious tension.

"Guys, this is Rose. We saved her back in the city. She's cool." he assured with a smile, silently telling all of them to back off.

I shifted uncomfortably, forcing a small smile though it couldn't have been more fake. It seemed as though after Glenn said something, everyone relaxed a bit, thinking that I wouldn't be much of a threat. Though I could be. But they didn't need to know that. I didn't plan on hurting these people or taking their fishing poles unless they tried something with me first. But by the looks of it, some of these people looked like they couldn't even kill a fly, so I made the assumption that I was somewhat safe.

Though all of a sudden, the whole atmosphere seemed to change, everything happening in slow motion as a few people stared at me wide eyed. A man, a woman, and a kid. Confusion crossed my face as I wondered what I did to make these people stare daggers at me, until I heard a small gasp from behind. I looked over my shoulder to see Rick standing there in awe, wearing the same expression they did as he processed the situation in disbelief. I soon realized that they had been looking just behind me the entire time and quickly stepped off to the side as fast as I could.

Well, that's fucking embarrassing.

The little boy then took off in a flash towards Rick, screaming "Dad!" as he cried, and then it all seemed to click. This was the family Rick briefly mentioned to the group. The family he had been trying desperately to find. They had been here the whole time.

Everyone watched as they reunited with laughter and tears, the heartwarming scene almost causing me to smile. Though I snapped out of it with a shake of my head, my eyes now lingering down toward the ground as I crossed my arms around my middle.

After the moment had passed, that only came time for very long and boring introductions as Rick and I seemed to meet everyone else in the camp. I nodded towards everyone somewhat politely as I learned each of their names that I would surely accidentally forget. Although one seemed to really stick out to me amongst the many others.

Someone briefly mentioned the name Dixon, and I couldn't help but ponder over it for longer than necessary. The familiarity left a bad taste in my mouth. Apparently, Merle had a brother. And here I thought one was enough.

However, I had yet to meet him because the older man, Dale, informed me he was currently out hunting somewhere in the woods just ahead of us. But the truth was I didn't need to meet the man to know that he was an asshole just like the one we left behind. I mean, they were related after all.

The entire group then sat around a fire once the sun finally set, eating something small they cooked for the night, while discussing some random things that people would occasionally bring up. But the hot topic currently was what would they say to Daryl when the time came to tell him about his relative. In my mind it was pretty simple, but it was clear these people didn't want to be too harsh about it.

"How do we break it to him?" Dale asked.

"We just tell him the truth," Rick stated simply, "I'll tell him, I mean I was the one who cuffed him."

"No, I'll tell him...I'm the one who dropped the key." T-Dog gently argued, the guilt clearly getting to him.

Glenn sighed as he picked at the food on his plate, "I don't mean to bring race into this but...it might sound better coming from a white guy."

I couldn't help but roll my eyes hearing them going back and forth about the sensitive subject, hearing the same things being said over and over again. I stayed completely silent during the debate as I felt it was far from my business to put in my input, slowly tuning their conversation out. It was then I came to the realization that I couldn't stay here. Stepping even a foot into this camp was clearly a big mistake, I didn't belong with the rest of them. I was always better off alone.

And what seemed to annoy me the most was that I didn't have a choice, they just dragged me back here without even asking, without a care in the world. To me, that alone was a good enough reason to flee the moment I got the chance.

As the hour grew late and the sun disappeared from the sky, they all collectively decided to call it a night as everyone went their separate ways. I planned to head off into the forest to sleep, unprepared to trust the environment here as I felt I always had to keep my guard up. It made me feel safer, more secure, and it gave me an easier escape route for when morning came.

I jumped at the opportunity to be alone, grabbing my things and stepping over the few logs in my way to head toward the tree line for some much needed silence. Though just as I was about to receive the smallest taste of freedom, a voice calling out behind me caused me to stop.

"Hey, Rose!" I recognized Dale's voice softly shout.

My chest raised up and down with a deep sigh, turning around to face him as I looked at him expectantly. "I know you don't have a tent of your own or anything, but we do have some extra room in the RV..."

I continued to stare, hardly showing any emotion on my face at all as I tried to read him, figuring out what his intentions were.

"Look, I know you're new and clearly don't feel too comfortable here just yet...but I just want to make sure you have a safe place to sleep. Now, you don't have to, I just thought I would offer." he said, finishing with a smile.

It was no secret to me that Dale was a good person and a decent man. There were definitely some people in this group that gave me a bad feeling right off the bat, however, Dale wasn't one of them. But I needed to get away. I only wanted this group to be a distant memory in the back of my mind and nothing more.

So, with that I shook my head, "I'm okay." I said as politely as I could before heading off into the forest.

I could hear him sigh from behind me as I walked away but I didn't let it bother me. I needed to go. A part of me didn't even want to sleep so I could get a head start to put some distance between me and this place, but I was fairly tired from running for my life throughout the day. So, I figured I should sleep for a couple of hours and leave before anyone else woke to head off to...well, anywhere but here.

My eyes groggily peeled open the following morning just before the sun began to rise over the hills, looking at it made me guess was it was around four or five in the morning. I yawned and stretched tiredly before standing up to my full height and placing my bag securely on my back, ready to head off in the opposite direction of the camp as the dirt crunched loudly beneath my feet. Although I didn't get very far, maybe about five steps before something suddenly stopped me in my tracks. I stood frozen there for a minute, just thinking. For some reason there was a certain hunch I had, an inkling of sorts. Something telling me to stop.

My mind started to spiral with many different thoughts, enough to give you a headache, but then that's where I stopped myself. My whole life whenever I had a gut feeling about something, I needed to trust it. My little intuition was almost never wrong. And although most impressions like this were like warnings about uneasy feelings, this one was different. Like a magnet was pulling me back to the group. A strong ass magnet.

I found myself plopping back down on my ass, my back up against the tree with my knees to my chest, just lost in my own thoughts, debating and arguing with myself for what felt like hours when in reality it was probably only a few minutes. But a golden flicker of light appearing out of the corner of my eye is what made me look back up, seeing the sun beginning to rise higher in the sky enough to kiss my cheeks. Okay...so it really had been a few hours.

But even after clear hours had passed me by, I was still left very torn about to do with myself. My head was screaming at me to just get out of here, to be on my own without any limitations or responsibilities. But my heart was calmly telling me to stay, to see how it would work out in the end if I went against my better judgement. I hadn't had a real group at all since the outbreak first happened, but in my mind, I never wished for one. I always believed it was okay to be alone, watching out for yourself rather than anyone else dragging you down. That was the logical way to survive...wasn't it?

With that I let out an aggravated groan and slowly stood back up to make my walk of shame back into camp, knowing it would eat me alive if I didn't give it another chance. One more day, I promised myself, and if nothing changed, I'd leave tonight.

As I walked back into the grounds, I noticed some people were already awake in the early hours of the morning much to my surprise. Carol and her daughter Sophia were sitting up on one of the logs talking quietly to each other, the woman's gaze glancing up as she noticed my movement. She sent me a sweet smile with a small wave, to which I nodded to her in return.

My eyes then looked away from her for a split second when I caught a brief glimpse of Rick walking away from the campsite, a certain determination in his step and his head low. I stayed in place as I watched his figure disappear, before I found my feet slowly moving forward to follow him. I didn't know why I did. I just grew curious, I guess.

When I caught up to his long strides, I found him sitting on a larger rock, seemingly talking to himself though I couldn't make out the words from where I was standing. It was all too hushed and quiet. But then my eyes panned over a bit to see a device in his hands, his mouth lowering closer as he spoke into it. Good to know he wasn't batshit crazy or anything.

Though as I shifted my weight and prepared to leave him be, I somehow accidently stepped too far to the right and directly onto a branch that snapped loudly under my boot. My eyes closed the second it happened, silently cursing to myself. Rick's head seemed to whip around the moment the sound hit his ears, his hand hovering over his gun in its holster, but his body instantly relaxed when he realized I wasn't a walking corpse.

The man then flashed me a small smile as he recovered from the mini heart attack, "Hey...you're up early."

I lifted my arm to check my imaginary watch, "No shit."

He nodded slowly, "You're not a morning person...noted." he spoke before sighing to himself as he stared at me, "You know, I can tell you've been alone for quite some time. And I know you're probably scared, but-"

"I'm not scared of anything." I was quick to correct, my harsh tone even surprising myself.

His brows raised a little, whether it was because of my words or the fact that I interrupted him, I wasn't sure. But one thing I knew for certain was I wasn't going to stand here and listen to him accuse me of the things I was feeling when he didn't know anything about me at all. Everyone around here might've been scared of this new world, but I sure as hell wasn't. Maybe that was another reason I shouldn't be here; these people didn't know what the hell they were doing. Too scared to have a steady head on their shoulders.

"Okay, maybe you're not scared... but you are alone." he spoke again.

I didn't open my mouth to respond as my eyes narrowed at him further. Thanks, captain obvious.

He continued, "Look, I know you don't trust us, but all I'm asking for is that you give us a chance. I saw the way you were looking at everyone last night, like you were ready to pounce any minute in case anyone tried anything. But I can tell you need us as much as we need you-"

"Okay," I interrupted with a wave of my hand, "Let me stop you right there before you break out into song and dance. I'm going to make something perfectly clear. I don't need you, or your parade of assholes back there for anything. I have always been just fine on my own, and last time I checked I didn't even ask for you to save me and bring me back here. You just did it. So don't tell me I'm scared, or I need any of you because that is far from the truth, asshole." I spoke harshly.

He stared at me for a few seconds not knowing how to respond, but he clapped back quicker than I expected, "Alright, fair enough. You're right... I don't know you. You didn't ask me to save you, and you don't look like you need anyone's help. All I'm just saying is it's nice to have other people watching your back. I felt completely alone until I found a man and his son while looking for my family, and now I can be a part of this group...and so can you. You just have to trust it...give it a chance."

My brows furrowed as I opened my mouth to retaliate, but it was apparently his turn to cut me off instead, "I can understand if you want to leave. Just know that...everyone in camp likes the idea of having you around."

His response was far from what I expected, finding I didn't say anything in return mostly because I couldn't find the right words. How could he be so understanding over someone he didn't even know? It honestly blew my mind a little.

When he saw I wasn't going to argue further, he turned back around to watch the sun continue to rise. And after debating in my head for a minute or two, I decided to walk over and sit myself next to him on the giant rock. He glanced at me when I sat down, probably expecting me to say some smart ass comment in return to his statement, but I didn't. We just sat in comfortable silence until the sky was no longer orange and pink, but now turning into more of a pale blue with clouds slowly filling up the remaining space. It was somewhat refreshing.

I could tell he was about to move and stand up to his feet, probably to head back to camp, but I said something that stopped him.

"I never wanted to be alone." I confessed, not taking my eyes off the sky.

As soon as the words left my lips, I closed my eyes for a moment as I regretted what I said almost instantly. I didn't want to admit defeat to anyone, let alone a stranger, but I figured I should in this case for him to truly understand what I was feeling.

I felt his eyes on me as he said nothing, expecting me to continue, so I did. "I was already alone before the world went to shit...and I guess I've just gotten used to being by myself. It's kind of exhausting looking out for other people."

He still remained silent.

"My point is, I don't know if I'm staying." I said, finally turning to look at him.

He nodded, "That's okay. Just...make sure to think about it before you make any rash decisions. Who knows...maybe you'll change your mind." he said almost suggestively before finally standing up to head back in the opposite direction.

I turned my head and watched his frame retreat away from me for a few seconds, his words echoing in my mind, before returning all my attention back to the sky. A part of me still wanted to go, the fear of the unknown creeping back up on me, however I did tell myself that I would give it another chance. But if I couldn't find a reason to say by tonight, that was that. I would leave this group behind.

~ Thanks for reading!

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tearitar · 1 month ago

Text

2024 Annual Fic Review

Guess who's back, baby!! Wrote a lot this year and I'm pretty happy about it. Anyway, I did a write up with the usual questions on my dw page HERE.

Or you can read it below: (where tumblr has shot all my formatting through the head, so dw is preferred)

Destiny (1)

Seven on high - Andal/Cayde-6

Hornblower / Temeraire (1)

Off the Starboard Bow - Archie Kennedy/John Granby

barter

Team Fortress (23)

It’s all sniperspy, unless noted otherwise.

thrifty

All bite

No bark

ARMSTOPPER - Engineer/Spy

Critical Provocation

Happy Hour

hindsight

positive reinforcement

Tell You Everything

Conflict Resolution

Get This Feeling, Feel This Static - Engineer/Medic, Sniper/Spy

Last Stage Fashionalism - rule 63-verse

Part 2

Part 3

Various Ficlets/Prompts:

Gun Maintenance

Fluffy

Domestic

Yuri

hypnotic

ostentatious

Idle

Post comic 7 ficlet

just might come crashing

Top Gun (2)

Been Told

rings around

I’m in the not so unique position of where I wrote at least 4 of the fics at least 75% of the way done 13-15 years ago, which is a huge chunk of words. I would estimate 12k written over a decade ago. The Top Gun fics were leftover WIPS from last year. Minus 20k words in total? So more like 71k. Which. Still a massive amount for me.

Total number of completed stories: 26

Total word count: 91,005

Looking back, did you write more fic than you thought you would this year, less, or about what you’d predicted?

I published 1 fic last year and it took all I had in me. But, privately, I wrote a bunch of OC stuff. I definitely blew myself out the water this year. I don’t think I’ve ever had that much output in a loooong time.

What pairing/genre/fandom did you write that you would never have predicted in January?

Bruh. Team Fortress 2 after 14 years of moving on. I’m still fervently shipping sniperspy—and I’ve always been a same fraction girlie. Not much has changed with how I think of them but now that I am older and wiser and better at pwp… I know they’re both bottoms. I know it in my heart. I think the me from 14 years ago would be pretty pleased that I can now write decent pwp (or I just don’t care to be self conscious about it anymore).

What’s your own favorite story of the year? Not the most popular, but the one that makes you happiest?

lol, I love all bite to pieces. It was fun to write! Truly joyous. I answered this question on a tumblr meme so here’s the answer:

I was on an absolute mission with that one. Knew what I wanted, from top to bottom. Wrote it VERY fast. I love how it flows; it’s easy to read, easy to understand the dynamic. (At least, for me.) Sniper bottoms. Spy bottoms. They’re both extremely clear with what they want, and aren’t, like, blushy-shy about it. There’s a lot of characterizations I crammed in as well and, tbh, the jokes still make me chuckle. (Awoo, biscuit, and LET’S TEST THIS PUPPY OUT, being the top three.) That fic was all for me, HAHA!!

Did you take any writing risks this year? What did you learn from them?

I wouldn’t say it was a risk… but I feel like I really showed my ass with just might come crashing. I think it’s an indulgent fic, which is not inherently bad, but I wasn’t going to post it. It started as a collection of somewhat melodramatic scenes that I didn’t plan to make cohesive, didn’t make a plot other than “they go up to the mountains and don’t even hang out with each other for the majority of it”. I drew a lot of scenery inspiration from my own mountain trips.

Admittedly, I don’t much like reading “I Love You” confessions in fic, especially during sex. I wanted to play around with what I would consider…. a neat confession, of sorts. Mind you, this is only the tip of the iceberg with that fic.

Oh, and something I learned from all that… I truly believed this was written pretty poorly for an audience (that wasn’t me!). I didn’t think it would get compliments, like, at all. LOL. Imagine my surprise by all the nice things people took the time to say, haha. So thank you to everyone who did take the time.

Do you have any fanfic or profic goals for the New Year?

Nah. Just keep chugging along, I guess. I wanna finish foresight, and I wanna write more not-so-sub-but-yeah-he-likes-it!sniper. u_u

My best story of this year

Ooh, a toss up between ARMSTOPPER and hindsight. Unfortunately, my thoughts on hindsight have kinda been tainted by the follow up I’m trying to push though so I think hindsight is a bit of a pain in the ass atm, but ARMSTOPPER also had that same kind of suffering. ARMSTOPPER made me take the biggest victory lap, while I reread hindsight more often just because I do like it a lot.... both of them have Spy suffering so maybe that's the real entertainment for me.

My most popular story

Critical Provocation has a baffling amount of hits to me. Well. Not baffling. But it sure is funny. Thrifty actually has the most kudos as of now, but not by much, and it was written earlier in the year.

Critical Provocation was something I knocked out in, like, two days. Because I saw a funny tumblr shitpost, and also I was determined to write Sniper as a bottom, but not… like… being shy about it? I’m not super into extremely shy-blushy-mewling sexually inexperienced bottoms, especially with Sniper. idk, I think Sniper would really put on a gameface about it. Then I think it’s a really cute narrative payoff when he does break. That’s just my two cents. Anyway critprov was fun to write. I’m glad people enjoy it. perhaps the people also long for confident bottom!sniper..... :/c

Story of mine most under-appreciated, in my opinion

Oughoguh it’s not anyone’s fault but Off the Starboard Bow is another one that I’m super proud of but it combines two very niche Age of Sail fandoms that are quite…………….. quite old. I think it’s nicely written, fun, and true to voice. I miss writing for Temeraire. Granby is also a fun character to write for. Things are always happening to him, all of the time. He should be able to suck dick in peace. Archie also deserves to get his dick sucked. rip archie kennedy you would have loved to be granby's normcore boyfriend.

Most fun story to write

I’ve said this with all bite already so my second choice would be Happy Hour, which I sorta wrote buzzed on martinis and melatonin during an 18 hour flight to South Korea, where I didn’t sleep for 48 hours (had to take a third flight to Jeju). It was the only thing keeping me sane on that wretched plane. I had a woman digging her feet into my thighs so ironically when I do reread the fic, Spy going apeshit on the other spies was just me channeling the same violence, and I think of that unhinged plane lady often.

Editing that fic was wild, let me tell you. There’s so many post-dinner minific parts because I wrote the concept of them on the plane. I wish I saved a screencap of an early draft. Utterly incomprehensible.

Most Sexy Story

Thrifty? I’m not sure on this one. I wrote a lot of oneshot PWPs and all of them have sexy scenes, but I think thrifty hits that spot of having adequate build up throughout the fic, with all the flirting and whatnot, and like.. the payoff sex scene, which I think it is very cute to write sniperspy being super into each other and not so fussy with the physicality of it all (just the emotional). Spy especially putting himself in a less dominant position but still being in control is fun.

Oh. I just remembered gun maintenance as well. Conceptually, that was pretty hot. (gun puns....) Non-explicit build up is what I enjoy writing a lot.

Story with the single sexiest moment

positive reinforcement. Another fic inspired by a tumblr shitpost but

Sniper leaps from his chair, grabbing Spy by the face, thumb and forefinger circling over Spy’s mouth to shut him up. Spy jumps, surprised into reaching for Sniper’s wrists, but it’s been a while since Sniper touched him, and the burning stare is enough to make him freeze in place. Sniper gives Spy’s face a little shake for emphasis. He leans down, fingers digging into Spy’s skin through the mask. “Then. Figure. It. Out.”

lol. I love sub!sniper with all my heart but in those moments when I write him calling the shots, I do have fun with twisting the dom/sub dynamic around. I mean, what’s cuter than teaching your normally calculating attack dog the command to “go feral” on you? :’)

Most “holy crap, that’s wrong, even for you” story

Nah. All my fics are in the category of “I’m Not Surprised”. hindsight, in fact, was such a ME fic to write. No one should have been surprised about me writing this kind of time travel fic.

Story that shifted my own perceptions of the characters

LMAO, I GUESS THE FIRST TF2 FIC I WROTE AFTER 14 YEARS? barter? I wrote it, got a bit dissatisfied with falling into “oh spy of course gets on his knees and sucks sniper's dick” trope and so I was like… I’m gonna turn the dom/sub dynamic around a bit. and wrote it twice?????? i don't claim to be reasonable. but i think i did make it clear that Spy was running the show the entire time.

Hardest story to write

ARMSTOPPER TOOK ME 14 YEARS TO PUBLISH. Prior to this year, I had not open the document since 2015 but the creation date was 2010. That file has survived three computer changes, all my years of uni, 10 years into my career. that's my teen child. i can get it a drivers permit.

On a more serious note, ARMSTOPPER’s unfinished state was due to a lot of high expectations from myself at the time, combined with me just drifting away from TF2 around 2015. I got into other fandoms! I also wasn’t a deft enough writer to fully pull off with what I thought I had to write. ARMSTOPPER was supposed to be long and plotty with a sex scene, confession, and courting. And I didn’t know how I wanted to end it at the time. And so it languished!

Years later, I opened it back up again and thought what I had written was still good. I’m not sure if it’s really noticeable, but there’s a distinct shift in writing in the middle of the fic where I simply continued where the early 20s me left off. I think towards the later half, it’s just a bit snappier and the narrative humor is sliiiightly different but I think I was able to emulate my older style of writing, which is a wild thing to say, haha.

I also had to pull out an unbelievable amount of meme jokes from the fic. There is a “Deal With It” falling sunglasses meme gesture Spy does at the very beginning and in my heart of hearts I knew I could not totally rewrite over it.

Most disappointing

(puts my hand on ur shoulder) Those Aren’t Posted.

But!! Honorable mention goes to rings around — where I forgot to write an entire scene (THE ENDING I PLANNED?!?) and posted the fic, panicked, and had to, at great speed, write that missing scene in. WHICH IS WAY THERE WAS A WEIRD TIME SHIFT EPILOGUE AOUGHGOGH MY GODDDDDDD. I wrote a different ending (with Carole), which I did not initially plan because I completely forgot my original ending (with Ice). Incredible work, by me. What a blunder. Other than that, I very much like rings around. It deals with my favorite time travel themes of guilt, longing, and a character looking into their future and just simply hating it because they end up being happy, LOL.

Easiest story to write

Critical Provocation. I saw the shitpost “griping and complaining on it” and a demon possessed me. I slapped that one down quick since I was looking for any excuse to write bottom!Sniper being on the inexperienced side but totally up for it. Wrote out the banter I wanted (WHICH SOME ENDED CUT, THEY WOULDN’T SHUT UP ENOUGH TO GET THEIR DICKS OUT..), and then the rest fell into place, thank god. It was a very Point A to Point B type of writing experience.

Fun bonus fact: I have mulled over a pillow-princess!Sniper follow up but I genuinely think I’d write it in such a way where it’d be more like restraint kink than being pampered. Idk, imagine they attempted it and found it lacking.

Biggest surprise

Bruh. TF2. all of them.

But, more seriously just might all come crashing, which I will get more into in the next question. I’m not surprised I wrote it, I’m just surprised I published it since I tend to not post stuff I find embarrassing, lol. That fic was really supposed to be for my own practice and entertainment.

So… what I mean to say is…… JMCC was written …… from the heart and … (grits teeth) very sincerely. Not that my other fics aren't sincere but. Like. This one was….. hrm …this was written with genuine affection and earnestness for the ship. And I truly didn't care to put in any more than what I wanted (hence the gaps). I don't think it's very polished, and the pacing is something I did not focus on. I’m a pretty confident writer, so to put something out there where I’m kinda like “lol, that was meant for me to read myself, not for others” is… eh. Kinda revealing, I guess.

Most unintentionally telling story

Right. Here we go. I’m gonna yap at length about just might come crashing. Because I feel like it’s a bit different from the other tf2 fics I put out there. Like I need to justify myself, lol.

I put a lot of boring themes in that one. Career burnout. Now’s-not-the-right-time romance. His-Happiness-Over-Yours. The importance of time away from something or someone you love (a job, a partner). Being perceived in what you think is the most cringiest way possible (gee..). I love dynamics that play with mutual attraction/awareness of feelings, but both participants actively choose to not go forward for whatever reason. It’s emotional purgatory, and that’s fun to me.

It’s my ideal, self-indulgent version of sniperspy; love as a responsibility you're taking on. Love being a cold little cabin you are caging yourself in, with all these monitors and trackers you aren't using. The one time you do, there's a huge truth being blurted out that you can't beny but you're also not surprised by it. And the only surprise Spy feels is his own deep, unrelenting happiness. He disassociates, compartmentalizes, because he knows he’ll choke on it.

All this, and he still lets Sniper go out for days, freely, despite being lonely, because Spy knows Sniper will come tapping against his window eventually. Sniper is an independent spirit, but he also knows the lengths Spy has gone, and that's also daunting—being invested in someone's happiness that might not be in line with your own. I think, in the end, they are two fundamentally different people that just happened to cross paths due to circumstance. If early on they had met other people more compatible.. I mean. I don't think they're each others' first choices. They both know it.

This isn't even addressing the mercenary careers they both have, and there's a high chance either one of them will find the other dead in a ditch eventually (in THEIR minds, at present). To them, being in love is a burden you take on so you make damn well sure it's worth it.

Then, I suppose after all the mutual pining’s been addressed, they’d deal with it in their typical mercenary way, by being absolutely ruthless with it. For them, being in love is a job, one you can also burnout of. These are two people who take joy, pride, and satisfaction from their careers. They are going to care a whole lot. So, you know, other than that being a completely deranged way of thinking, that’s just their take.

(I touch on this in hindsight, the time travel fic when Spy is having a moment and thinks about the work and effort of a relationship.)

Don’t get me wrong, JMCC is a hopeful romantic fic—but there’s a tragic undercurrent to it, lol. I don’t resolve the career burnout. I don’t have them confess directly. They don’t talk about it. I don’t go into the UFOs. I don’t even write an explicit sex scene. They don’t even see each other for the majority of their two weeks in the mountains. At the end, Spy comments on Sniper being intentionally hurtful. Is it mutual? Yes, it is.

Fourteen years ago I wrote all that matters, which I belatedly realize was kinda the prototype for this, the first iteration of that underlying sadness and the work that goes into maintaining a relationship. There's a bookmark comment on it by nik_knak, "Maybe it's just me, but I myself find it rather depressing, even in the end." Haha, they've nailed it even before I did. Funnily enough, it’s also from Spy’s POV; love as extra work you’re willing to take, and you’re just lucky to have that other person return it, and that you might be happy doing it.

So, yeah. That was a telling fic. The most unintentional part of it was me revealing that Spy is my little meow meow. My sweetie pie. My silly pookie. My dipshit clown dolly I like to continuously waterboard in an iced tub just to see him suffer while I put Sniper into the woodchipper but give him a nice mug of hot chocolate afterwards.

Story I’d like to revise

Brother, once them fics are up I don’t touch them. Unless to fix typos or sentence structure.

Story I didn’t write but will at some point, I swear

This will get me blacklisted but I think about a BLU Spy/BLU Scout with RED Spy/RED Sniper comedy hour fake dating situation a lot. Wherein BLU Scout attempts psychological warfare with his sperm donor, R!Spy, by pretending to date B!Spy, who goes along with it because it would be so fucking funny. R!Spy sees through their plan and doubles down, ALSO pretends that he’s SO HAPPY his SON has FOUND a GOOD GUY to DATE and he hOPeS THEy aRE soOoOoO hapPY tOGeTHer.

In the meanwhile, R!Sniper proceeds to reconsider his life choices. Relationships go down the pisser. RED and BLU teams implode. All because B!Scout and B!Spy are fucking and committed to the bit.

And that’ll be the fic.

Closing statements:

Never delete your WIPs. Never say die. If you're not feeling it, put it away. Maybe in 10 years you'll come back to writing and it'll be fun again. Maybe you'll love tf2 again.

Anyway. What a nutty year. I hope to continue the trend! I've got a few more fun sniperspy pwps to finish so I'm actually hoping the first fic for the New Year is either Sniper shaving Spy or being in a maid dress. Who could say. The man contains multitudes.

#you can absolutely see me get unhinged about sniperspy towards the end #typans #annual fic meme

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honeyjars-sims · 1 year ago

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2.7 Opening Up

Lexie: It’s too bad we got assigned to set design for the first production, but at least we’ll be able to hang out together.

Johnny: Yeah, it looks like most of the acting roles went to the juniors and seniors. Maybe next year we’ll have better luck.

Lexie: Well, the semester’s just getting started. Who knows what will happen. We could impress them with our sick acting skills and get the leads next time.

Johnny: [laughing] I support your delusional optimism! Oh, I almost forgot…my mom wanted me to tell you hi and that she enjoyed meeting you.

Lexie: Hmm, that’s nice of her. I guess let her know I said hi as well.

Johnny: [teasingly] You’re not going to say it was nice to meet her too?

Lexie: No comment.

Johnny: I don’t blame you! Honestly, it went better than I was expecting.

Lexie: Really? That's kind of sad.

Johnny: Yeah, unfortunately, that was just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to my mom.

Lexie: Well, it really bothered me how she was speaking about you. I kept trying to change the subject, but she’d always end up making some snarky little comment.

Johnny: I’m used to it, I guess. The thing is, if I’d called her out she’d say I was overreacting. In the past, I would’ve believed her, but now…not so much.

Lexie: Good, because she’s wrong about you. I can’t imagine how it affected you to hear that as a child, or even now.

Johnny: [sighs] I wish I could say that was the worst thing I had to deal with as a kid, but it wasn’t by a long shot. If you don’t mind, I think I’m ready to talk to you about it.

Lexie: Of course. You can tell me anything. Let's go somewhere more private.

TW: The dialogue below includes discussion of child abuse and drug abuse (not graphic but please use your own discretion if this topic is triggering to you).

Johnny: It wasn’t just my mom who treated me badly. It was also her husband, Jimmy. I refuse to call him my stepdad because he wasn’t any kind of parent to me. He was way worse, though. With my mom it’s this kind of passive aggressive backhanded shit, but Jimmy? He was full-on aggressive. Not just with his words, either.

Lexie: Oh my God, he hurt you? Johnny, I’m so sorry. I didn’t know it was that bad.

Johnny: Yeah, it was pretty awful. I started having nightmares and I was anxious all the time. I tried to talk to my mom about it, but I was too scared to tell her what was really going on so she thought I was just being dramatic.

Lexie: Geez, I can’t imagine my parents just brushing me off like that. You must have been terrified.

Johnny: I was. It only got worse when my mom started doing drugs. By that time I was old enough to start fighting back and all the blame fell on me. Jimmy almost convinced mom to send me to military school but then my dads got custody of me and Chantal.

Lexie: Thank God for your dads!

Johnny: For real, I’m so grateful for them. It’s weird, though…whenever a kid gets away from their abusive family, everyone expects them to be happy about it. No one ever talks about all the mixed emotions. I knew I was better off with my dads, but I still thought about the good times I had with my mom. It was hard to leave her.

Lexie: I think I understand more why you’re still trying to work things out with her. It sounds like the whole situation was really traumatic for you.

Johnny: Yeah, even when I wasn’t talking to her I always had this feeling of “what if?” Like maybe there is a way to fix everything and make it go away.

Lexie: Some things can’t be fixed, no matter how hard you try. I don’t know if your relationship with your mom is one of them, but I hope you’ll recognize when it’s time to let go if it comes to that.

Johnny: I think I will. I’m going to give it more time, but I’m starting to feel like…like I deserve better. I didn’t feel that way before.

Lexie: You deserve so much better, Johnny. You’re so much more than what your mom sees you as. And Jimmy. He better hope I never see him ‘cause I’ll kick him right in the balls!

Johnny: [laughing] Lexie! I’ve never heard you so angry before. I can’t see you doing something like that, you’re too sweet.

Lexie: I’d do it to him! And I’d enjoy watching him suffer. Oh, sorry, I probably shouldn’t be so violent about it. It just really got me worked up.

Johnny: It’s ok. You’re cute when you’re protective.

Lexie: Well, consider me your bodyguard, then.

Previous | Beginning of story | Beginning of chapter | Next

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dtmsrpfcringe · 6 months ago

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You really are a dumb fuck, aren't you? You repeated exactly what I said, then told me I was wrong for saying what you parroted back to me. Living in your brain must be fucking insufferable.

Your own words were that they did not know each other ten years ago. Incorrect.

They have both said that they have known each other socially (i.e., friends) since 2001. They did not become close until they were in Good Omens. Yes, that is what I said. That's what you agreed to after I corrected your initial false statement. My god, little wonder you think this blog is a good idea when these are your thought processes.

Nothing else you said makes the slightest bit of sense. I can't even decipher the point of that word salad, and I am a teacher. Why would Michael use the names of the characters when he is talking about the show that the characters are in? What? You are reaching so hard that it is comical.

You are a class act making jokes about a congenital defect that kills newborn infants. Is that the kind of thing the mother of a newborn infant who claims to be a nurse would do? We have established that you are lying about both of those things. You are just an awful person. When it comes down to the real point of this blog, you don't care about the greater good of the fandom. You only want attention. You are shouting about a tiny corner of Tumblr that draws no attention to itself. You bring attention to it. You make it loud. Even when it disappears, you keep bringing it back. What's the real point here? You want attention for yourself. You want to be the hero in a war that doesn't exist.

Maybe you don't ship the hairband. Maybe you just have bad taste in music? I don't care. Either way, you have no place calling out anyone when you support those losers. They are the epitome of the scum of society. Actual misogynists. One of them even murdered someone while driving drunk. That is just the tip of the iceberg. But someone no one knows said something mean about Georgia Tennant on Tumblr? Someone suggests that two men who keep talking about having sex and being in love might be in love. Better clutch your pearls over that! Pathetic.

bae that isn’t what you said. You said they’ve been friends for almost 25 years. Do you write things and just fucking forget them? Or can you just not stop lying?

I can’t imagine being a teacher and just constantly being so goddamn wrong, I bet your students can’t stand you.

also saying you don’t have a brain isn’t making fun of a congenital defect babe. I’m neither lying about being a mom or healthcare professional. Most people I talk to pretty regularly here have seen my baby, and it would be pretty hard work to have an entire baby to…fake being a mom??? I’m not going to put my baby’s face on here to prove to someone like you that she’s real, and frankly I think it’s a little strange you wanna see that bad babe. Like? Your obsession with an internet stranger’s newborn (i guess infant now omfg) is kinda creepy.

As for my health certification, you don’t know shit actually. I busted my ass in high school to be licensed because of the people who helped me as a kid. Also I’m not a nurse😉 you are right about that. There’s more to healthcare than your RN and MDs lol. You seem like you’d yell at underpaid healthcare workers in the worst way possible.

you obviously did understand, but didn’t want to lick your wounds and slink into the corner.

btw this group absolutely does draw attention to yourself. I found these people by looking for cute Georgia and Anna stuff and finding hate and misogyny spread about them. As for Motley Crue, I hardly listen to them anymore, if literally ever. I haven’t posted anything about them in over a year and that is why I removed 2000 of my followers on instagram and made it private to have a personal acc. I just never bothered changing the username lol. So try again I guess.

Anyways here’s my daily reminder to you that David and Michael would be disgusted with you. Hope you have the day you deserve!

Keep sending these I think we’re falling in love boo🚨🔵🚨🔵

#david tennant #good omens #michael sheen

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winderlylandchime · 10 months ago

Note

I had to wait to reply to your last message and to write this one because I know that my brother still at times checks your blog to see if there are fic updates (i now told him about subscribing to fics).

Anyway the reason I had to wait is because yesterday (the 6th) was his birthday and we (as in me and our parents) got him the full seasons collections box set from ebay. Our cousin found one that was a pretty decent price so we all got it together for him. And I couldn’t tell you about it when you said we should do that because we already had it and it was hidden at my parents house!! But he also saw that message and sent it to me saying ‘YEAH! Why don’t you lil shits do that for me? I mean it IS your fault, I’m like this now’ And I will forever deny that I did this because all I did was show him qaf…he did mind maps and diy merch and tell everyone and their mom about it.. So this is all on him.

ANYWAY! I do have something to tell you though about his birthday. We’ve been laughing about it all day and the minute my cousin told me the story, I thought of all of you who watched this monster be brought to life.

Like i said his birthday was yesterday and he got blacked out drunk with his friends to celebrate it. And then they went to his house to continue because and i quote from a video i got sent ‘i might be 37 but the party doesn’t stop bitcheeeeesssss’ anyway I was suppose to be there but work had different plans, so our cousin who was the designated driver, made sure to send me updates throughout the day and according to him (and also a too short but amazing video he sent me), my dumb drunk brother made EVERYONE watch fan videos of Britin. And not on tv or like hey let me show you something on my laptop. Nope, he stood in the middle of the living room, holding his laptop while kinda stumbling and the fan videos were playing on it. Apparently most of them were too drunk to actually pay attention, including him but they kinda caught a few glimpses and words and every once in a while, my brother would shush them to say ‘hey! The pretty boy is talking’ and when he wash asked who’s the pretty boy, he would try to point at the pretty boy (both of them) and obviously the scenes were changing so he kept going ‘him, him, him’ while pointing all over the screen. And then he pointed to debbie and a friend went ‘that’s a woman’ and he responded with *putting his index finger up to like prove a point* ‘actually, that’s Debbie’. I wish you guys would be able to see my cousins reenactment of it because it was hilarious. However I was told that the way the night ended was that he went to his room to get his phone so that he can and I quote ‘I gotta read some shit to you guys, you’re gonna fuck with it because I fuck with it, understood?’ and then when he didnt come back, our cousin went to look for him and found him passed out on the bed, hugging Brian the cat and his phone. And I have no way to actually prove this since he only remembers bits and pieces but I genuinely think he was about to “read” one of the fics he’s been reading to them. Today when we were all on facetime and our cousin was telling him/us about everything he did (this was just the tip of the iceberg, he almost fell down the stairs again) his only response was ‘i have no memory of any of that but it does sound like me, doesn’t it?’

So even when absolutely blacked out drunk, Britin is still one of the main things he thinks about. And sorry (again) for a late reply, I’ve been buzzing with excitement about him getting the box set but couldn’t tell anyone since he does pay attention from time to time and unfortunately he is no longer drugged out of his mind on pain pills. In fact I was panicking that I accidentally mentioned it in the last message I sent until you responded. Talk about bad memory

Dear sweet anon! I hope your brother knows that you got him the DVDs before I suggested it. I just want to be sure you and your family get full credit. Also, hello Brother… how are you doing fellow Aries? (My birthday is next week) (I’ll be in Vegas to seeing RPDR Live and hopefully finish my drag au)

I am dying over the image of your brother, drunk and swaying. making everyone watch fan vids and trying to point out Brian. And I am dying over “That’s a woman” “Actually, that’s Debbie” like she defies gender.

I am also a little dead at the idea of him reading fic. Out. Loud. to his friends. I’m curious which fic it was.

I’m very glad he did not fall down the stairs while black out drunk. We need to keep your brother in one piece. Now.

Also, brother, if you’re reading - Hi!

#ask winderlylandchime #dear sweet anon #queer as folk #a straight man watches qaf us 2000 in the year of our lord 2023 #2024 edition

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whatmakesyoulove · 2 years ago

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Welcome the 2023 (9th) Cate Blanchett Birthday Project!

Every year, for the past 9 years I’m collaborating Cate Blanchett fans together in order to make something special for her birthday. And I am super excited to say that we have made 8 successful birthday projects together which has ALL arrived to Cate.

Cate Blanchett has influenced me and many more people through the years and this project is my way to say: Thank You. This year the project will surround INSPIRATION.

Cate is a huge inspiration for all of us. Her thoughts and ideas inspire us and also the way she sees and acts to create a better world to live in. The projects she takes on herself, her work for UNHCR are just the tip of the iceberg. Cate’s words are not just important, but motivate us all to act for a change.

This year, we will tell Cate how she has inspired us to do things in our own life

Each of you can tell a small story *by writing* about how Cate has inspired you:

FOR EXAMPLE

How she inspired you to do something specific.

How she inspired you to move onto something.

How her words made you think or feel differently abut something - and made you act a new way.

Some important points:

Text limit is 200 words.

The final project will be a digital book

THE FINAL PROJECT WILL BE POSTED ONLINE: So don't get too personal. Everyone who wants to see the project, will be able to do so.

How does it work?

Send an email with your Name, Age & Country

Mention in the email if you joined any of the past projects and if yes mention the year

Send your written text.

Rules:

Keep an appropriate language

Letting you know the project will be released ONLINE

Deadline

All projects should arrive until MAY 1ST, 2023. Send them all to the following address: [email protected] (the same one from past years) If you have any questions you can ask me here on the ask box / twitter / email .

Taking part in the project this year + special thanks: Cate Blanchett Daily, Queen Cate, Cate Blanchett Fan

FAQs

Who can participate the project? - Everyone who wants to.

Can I send a picture of myself with a happy birthday poster? You can include that. but it can’t be instead of the project itself.

Can you guarantee Cate will receive the project? - sadly not, but we will try our best to make this work.

Our work at the past years:

2015 – A birthday video by fans - 24 participants 2016 – A birthday book – 138 participants 2017 – A birthday collage – 43 participants 2018 - The art as we see it - 40 participants 2019 – The big 50: A fan video – 61 participants 2020 - A motivation book - 42 participants 2021 - The fans sing - 34 participants 2022 - Motivational quotes by Cate - 18 participants

Please reblog this post so more people will be aware of our project The project Twitter/Tumblr tags: CBBP / CBBP23

#cate blanchett #cbbp #cbbp23 #cate blanchett birthday project #2023 #birthday #*#edit

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hiccupbutpurple · 1 year ago

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Mental disorders/conditions (whatever you wanna call it) are an explanation not an excuse

I saw a thing on Instagram today and I already having a bad day and it pissed me off so I’m talking about it to let go. Probs won’t explain it very well but I don’t care. I can’t fucking stand it when people seem to think that someone struggling with a mental disorder automatically absolves them of any responsibility. Because it doesn’t. It is a valid and understandable explanation. It doesn’t mean there’s no impact. It doesn’t mean that the person they hurt can’t be fucking hurt. It doesn’t mean someone is evil for looking after themselves.

Don’t be an asshole, don’t antagonise people just because they have a mental illness, but if someone is hurting you, you can be hurt. If you are in a situation that is dangerous, it doesn’t matter if that person has a ‘valid reason’ to treat you like shit. They don’t. You are allowed to put yourself first. You are allowed to leave. (And I don’t mean just in romantic relationships because people seem to forget other types of relationships exist.) You are allowed to be fucking upset and angry about it.

Giving some context (not really it’s just a vent without much info tbh) below but that’s the main part.

This is the self indulgent vent part but as a kid for probably around 6 years I got treated like shit because of someone who hurt as a result of their mental illness. I’ve now found out that he has a pretty serious disorder which is a very hard and awful thing to for someone to have to live with and I’m sorry he has too. However, he is probably one of the main reasons I have the problems I do. He not solely the reason, but I know I wouldn’t struggle the way I do without him. It took 6 fucking years (while trying to work out what the hell is wrong with my own self, my sexuality, all the other standard teenage stuff and my own home life) to fully stop communication with him and stop feeling responsible.

And it’s been years but I’m still constantly effected by him. I mean for fuck sake I have to deal with fears of him coming to kill me (I know realistically he wouldn’t but the fear is there). All the little ways too, like how he comes up in my thoughts randomly and suddenly I can’t stop (like now) or how apathetic I feel, especially when suicide comes up. Like that word is mentioned and suddenly I no longer care about anyone or anything and I hate that I don’t care, I care when it comes to fucking characters but if a real human being says they are suicidal suddenly my brain just goes ‘nope’ and it’s either anger or numbness and that’s not fair to anyone.

Honestly it’s smaller things that annoys me even more than the big things. The stuff that just bleeds into everyday things, it affects all my relationships and my life overall. I went through so fucking much because I was scared to hurt someone else, that I ended up hurting myself and tbh others as well. Cause guess what, my own issues that came about mostly as a result of that have made me act in ways that hurt others! Thankfully all my friends are in similar boats and it did make us able to have healthier relationships with each other and learn to set boundaries. So there are some positives.

That’s just the tip of the iceberg but now I’m getting tired again but I seriously hate it when people go ‘you can’t criticise someone with a mental illness’ or ‘you can’t blame them cause they have a disorder.’ I think the majority of people know this but sometimes I see stuff that just pisses me off.

#it doesn’t mean you can’t acknowledge their struggles too #but if someone is hurting you you can protect yourself #that doesn’t make you a bad person no matter how you might feel #because trust me these things continue on #I will stand by this for as long as I’m alive #probably #vent #mental health #self harm #suicide #emotional abuse #now that that’s done I can finally study #hopefully

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honorable-guardian · 2 years ago

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!!!!!!!!

AAA I’m so glad someone sent me this… Grim my everything. My confidant… my best friend… my silly rabbit 😏 But for real, where do I even begin with him?

(Long post under the cut!)

He started off as a character I made specifically to be able to RP when I was at my lowest, mentally and energy-wise. He’s grown, as I have, and he changed me, honestly. For the better.

At his conception he was a gruff, depressed, duty-bound and anxious mess that saw himself as nothing but a burden on all he interacted with. He was also cishet (lol) and my first OC I ever really RP’ed out in the world in WoW rather than with a friend, so I didn’t really know what I was allowed to do, or how to interact with folks, so, neither did he. Autism runs deep, as usual.

His past is… more than troubled, in every way I could think up at the time. When I made him, I made him to suffer, as I had been in my mental health pit for years with no hope of getting out. And I wanted to be able to relate. So I gave him aggressive, pushy parents, a line of failures, and a desolate disposition. And yet, seemingly on his own, he developed this will. This desire to improve, to be better than he was the day before, and to help people. He wanted to be better. So, I did too.

He talks little of his past, save for those who he’s close to and have the courage to ask. His plethora of scars aren’t for show, so to speak. He recalls each one’s origin, the one crossing his eye coming to his memory only in flashes. Only in nightmares, buried in his memory.

As a teen he roamed Darkshore, a ghost of a person shrouded in grief and rage. He was found, eventually, by a special someone that allowed him to call her Maggie. She led him to Moonglade where, after months of much struggle in trying to communicate without being able to form words in his worgenistic mouth, began training there under one Katrena Elswith, a disgraced druidic teacher who was the only one who agreed to be his Shan’do.

All of this happened in backstory however, and much more happened beyond this too. He eventually completed his training and joined the effort in the Tanaan Jungle, intending to meet death there, but managing to find a small glimmer of purpose, instead.

Early on in his RP days, he was asked to join a guild as one of the officers (little did they know he was nineteen. His troubles aged him beyond what others thought), and at a guild function he met someone special: Alythae Wildsong.

Where would he even be without Aly? Their relationship progressed quickly, possibly quicker than he wanted, but it was real. She taught him that he could be loved. That he deserved love. He was more than what he could give others. And he taught her, too. An exchange, entirely coincidental at first, and then fully voluntary.

They went on adventures after adventures together. Some dangerous, some relaxed, some downright ridiculous. But they worked through them together, hands locked together in a bond as they discovered things about each other, and things about themselves that they did not know. Deception. And blood magic. Oh, the blood magic.

He nearly lost himself to it, during the Fourth War. The blight in Darkshore was destroying his body, despite his attempted protections, and he was nearly killed by it. A necessary evil, he thought. His fur gone, his skin blight-pocced, he delved into it. It felt… natural, for reasons he could not yet explain why.

And yet, it was consuming him.

Aly brought him back. Cleansed him enough for him to make a recovery. But he found the magic…innate, somehow. He learned why, eventually, but that’s not something he likes to share pretty much ever. Regardless, he and Aly finally got married in December after several long years of engagement, and now happily live together in Feralas! Along with their many animals, and Grim’s animal scouts, and of course their dog Pippin.

This has already gone on WAY longer than I intended but this feels just like the tip of the iceberg lol. I know this is cheesy but having Grim, knowing what he’s gone through and still he continues on… it gives me reason to be better, too. If he can go through all that and still be a good person, I can too. Without Aly he wouldn’t be half the character he is today, so thank you so much to @tyranduh you mean so much 2 me.

Here's a few more of my favorite pieces of him <3

Thank you so so much for the ask and for the opportunity to infodump on my favorite guy <3

#grim #about grim #grimhall #my oc #my art #ask meme #answered

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nevvaraven · 2 years ago

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10 books to know me 📚

Thanks @otrtbs for the tag !

Ten books to know me or know what I like to read about, Nat did quotes with hers so I’m going to do quotes as well!

Atonement by Ian McEwan - I still remember the way I flung this book across my room when I got to that part, if you’ve read it you know, still not over it and I get emotional every time I think about Robbie :(

“As the distance opened up between them, they understood how far they had run ahead of themselves in their letters. This moment had been imagined and desired for too long, and could not measure up. He had been out of the world, and lacked the confidence to step back and reach for the larger thought. I love you, and you saved my life.”

Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen - The blueprint, will never not be in this list. I was raised on this stuff.

“Your defect is a propensity to hate everybody.” “And yours,” he replied with a smile, “is wilfully to misunderstand them.”

The Magic Faraway Tree by Enid Blyton - I am aware this is a children’s book but it’s the one my mum read to me every night before bed and the copy currently sitting on my shelf is the one she had when she was a child as well so it’s the most precious thing I own and they are still some of my favourite stories :)

“The faraway tree is always there. We never, never know what land is going to be at the top.”

The Fault in our Stars by John Green - I don’t want any slander okay, I don’t care to hear it ok in this house we respect our roots, this book made me cry and a part of my horrendous pre teen years was scrolling through tumblr and seeing all of those god awful picsart posts of the quotes and I loved every minute of it, it was a right of passage

“What a slut time is. She screws everybody.”

The Etymologicon by Mark Forsyth - I bought this book because it’s opening passage actually had me giggling out loud like a loser in a bookstore and the origins of random words will never not be cool, the opening passage is just so long I cant put it all in here but I highly recommend it to everyone.

“Occasionally people make the mistake of asking me where a word comes from. They never make this mistake twice. I am naturally a stern and silent fellow; even forbidding. But there's something about etymology and where words come from that overcomes my inbuilt taciturnity.”

The Fallen Star series by Jessica Sorensen - I bullied my high school librarian to buy these for the school library because I couldn’t afford them at 14 and after 2 months of badgering he caved and got them and I immediately took them and read them all in the span of two days. It’s about a girl whose mum got hit by a falling star when she was pregnant with her and it ended up giving her purple eyes and magic powers? I don’t care how silly it is at 21 I still love it.

“Of course, my nightmares were just the tip of the iceberg in the madness that had overtaken my life. When I was awake, I had much bigger problems to deal with than monsters attacking me. Real problems. Ones I couldn’t blink away.”

Little Women by Louisa May Alcott - Raise your hand if you’re surprised to see this. Anyone? Anyone at all? Yeah me neither.

“Just because my dreams are different to yours does not mean that they’re unimportant.”

Divergent by Veronica Roth - I know it’s goofy but I really don’t care, this was my life! I was so convinced I was a dauntless girl lmao I have enough self awareness to know now I am either a Candor or Abnegation girl.

“Becoming fearless isn’t the point. That’s impossible. It’s learning how to control your fear, and how to be free from it.”

Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde by Robert Louis Stevenson - Was it the insightful examination of the constant battle of good and evil that inherently exists with all humans and the struggle we face daily on deciding which to act upon that drew me into this book or was the idea that I could blame all my bad decisions on ‘night time me’? We’ll never know.

“If I am the chief of sinners, I am the chief of sufferers”

The Devil Tree by Jerzy Kosiński - I’m currently reading this and so far its very rich boy problems and existential crisis but it’s beautifully written so I both am apathetic towards the man I’m reading through but also desperate to know each of his thoughts. Weird.

“My past is the only firmament worth knowing, and I am it’s sole star. It is as haunting and mysterious as the sky overhead, and as impossible to discard.”

No pressure tagging - @waririses @signofthereads @im-still-tryin-to-find-it @euphorial-docx @siriuslyfuxkoff @condoneii and anyone else who wants to do it! xxx

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httpiastri · 9 months ago

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hi again (kind of)!!! i think this is the longest it’s ever taken me to draft out a reply but trust me this one is so worth it because you’ve now touched upon two of the topics i never ever ever shut up about so now there are two very very long asks in your inbox (including this one, but you just can’t post that because my username’s shown 😭🙏)

note: i realise i really did spiral with this one and this is almost no pepe at all but still important-ish?? i think 😭😭

spirituality and synchronicities… i think you’ve probably seen my vv long ask by now? and that’s literally just synchronicities with one person. i could draft out all the weird invisible string moments ive had with people and it would honestly span pages (especially in my new course, where literally everyone is connected, some in the weirdest and most unnatural ways ever) and like this might be a little weird but you posted about your friend angelica/angie and like omg its so weird mentioning someone i have no connection to whatsoever but i used to know a girl named jacquelyne (spelt differently from your name, but still) and her middle name was angelica so like ?? even that is something vv notable i think and like… the thing about thoughts coming true? i completely get what you mean. i think ive always had more spiritual experiences as a child but during my school transition break i worked part time at this retail place where i would experiment with manifestation for fun and it would always happen?? like id manifest compliments for very specific things, or very specific free food items, or even customers pushing to give me money for specific reasons (i couldnt accept it but i did it just because i could) and that’s just like… the tip of the iceberg…

anyway i realised that we all manifest in completely different ways and i realised mine is most prominent with words or speech or thoughts so ive become so unbelievably mindful of the things i say and do so i completely understand and relate to your cases of unintentional manifestation!! like thats the way mine used to always play out before i started becoming super intentional with what i did (and maybe this is very extreme but manifesting is instant and like once you really build your faith in it you’ll realise things can happen instantly or overnight… i won’t say anything too specific but you could literally wake up with changes to basically anything and everything you desire so 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️)

but i also did intentionally manifest that pepe only vid from the barcelona race weekend last year simply because… he won and i wanted a pepe exclusive video (can you blame me? i’m a girl with desires)

BUT IM SO LIKE INSANELY (?? happy?? excited?? shocked/surprised but happy by it both??) with regards to your lotus stories? LIKE THATS SO CRAZY because what are the odds omg😭😭 i chose the lotus because im super spiritual and i have like certain things in my life linked to the lotus and like if you know about the lotus, the most prominent thing about it is that it grows from the very bottom of muddy waters, but always makes it out to the top, still beautiful and pure and seemingly untouched by the dirtiness around it but most importantly, it is so so strong and like i think everything else is self explanatory but to have that in your name is so cute like omg ❤️❤️ id never stop bringing it up if i were you (on a completely unrelated note… lotus biscoff biscuits also exist and they are so good so that is another reason to be proud of your name)

but like music especially?? LIKE WITH ☄️ anons playlist and all, i think it’s actually like (okay ik i keep using the word insane but i really don’t have any other options) insane magical how everything and everyone is so perfectly connected with each other?? you had your baby i song and i was connected to the halsey song they used in their edit 😵‍💫😵‍💫 and it’s still so unbelievable to me how everything just falls into place so neatly and the fact that id never know this if you never shared?? but even if you never shared it’s still something existing and it wouldn’t have changed the fact that everything is interconnected, only that i would’ve never known about any of it at all

- 🪷

hi sweets !!!! thank u sm for the asks, i loved reading all of them 😚 i will be answering your other asks privately hehe

omg jacquelyne and angelica ?!?! that's so 😦 and like it's not surprising that someone somewhere has those two names but the fact that u knew her!!! alsoooo the more i think about it, im like... remembering and realizing more stuff..... i had this thing where after school when i was like ages 11-13, i would always go straight home and put on nickelodeon because starting from 16:35, they always showed one ep of victorious, big time rush, and icarly (idk what order but u get me). and i had this thing where i could sense what episode of the shows that would play..... either i had a dream about it, or i just felt "hm i would love if this specific episode came on today", or i would be blasting "worldwide" by big time rush in my headphones all day because my crush was transferring to another school and then which ep came on?? the ep with worldwide 😶 (yes 11-year-old jack learned about heartbreak early) idk if any of that made any sense to you LMAO but the point is i used to know what episodes would be on and i got it right several times every week... and no one in my life has believed this when ive told them but its true 😭 and it used to just be a thing i joked about but im realizing that like......... it's kinda odd (in a cool way)

but wowww thats so cool !!!! i'll have to learn from you i think because i wanna get more into it 🥺 and you manifesting pepe vid !! y e s !!!!!!!!! as you should 😚 (also just gonna put it here that if manifesting is what ive been doing so far with the like lando win and f3 wins then i have been unintentionally manifesting that paul will win the feature this weekend since FEBRUARY because ive written that in my story 🤭 so if that actually happens.............................)

i agree!!! it's such a weird coincidence that's not rlly a coincidence.... i didn't fully realize it all before i answered your last ask when i was like "!!!! wait a damn minute!!!!!" 😭 the lotus is such a pretty flower but also the meaning of it 💗💗💗 in like middle school i actually changed my name so that everyone in school called me by lotus instead of jack (but then i switched back lol) but now it feels kinda icky when ppl call me it ?? idk :(( but omfg lotus biscoff biscuits are SO GOOD it's unfair 🫠🫠 wish i was named after them tbh

insane is a good word bcs thats how it feels 🥰 but yes omg music especially, it's so..... in that playlist they also have ONE kpop song and guess which group ??? the one i used to obsess over for like seven years, of course 🫠🫠 it's actually so so cool that it can all be connected like this 🥺 and im so thankful that you've shared all of this because it really made my thoughts get going and otherwise i would've probs never come to these conclusions aaaaa

#im so...... idk what to say #it's all crazy #so cool #asks!#anon!#lotus anon!#🪷!

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