#this is the most ive written enthusiastically in like. months. and i find it really funny that its phoenotopia monsterfucking that did that

[the-bearer-of-bad-ideas]

because ok so

assuming the phoenix weapons were put into the bunker immediately after the great war (which logically makes sense, why would you let your super-powerful-genetically-engineered-marvels-of-science bioweapons just roam around before putting them in the bunker), there isn't really any way for her to directly have phoenix blood in her (and she cant really be a phoenix weapon herself because. yknow i think thatd be immediately obvious LMAO)

however

it is still possible that she has it through the arcs or harpies because they were the original attempts at making the phoenix units so they have adam's DNA too, and since they were the prototypes that didnt quite work theyre just. roaming around in the forest where theoretically anyone could find them

so theyre the most plausible way for gale to have gotten adam's DNA, which the phoenix units also have so it makes sense that that's why she has similar qualities as them without directly having their blood

while going through the forgotten forest, all the arcs and harpies you ever see are immediately extremely aggressive. like, they see you and immediately start attacking, regardless of whether youve provoked them. so any attempt at screwing an arc or harpy found in the forest would probably not have worked out very well

however, there's also the hidden village

all the arcs and harpies in there are far less aggressive and theyre willing to talk and trade with you. so if the adam DNA came through an arc or harpy, it probably came through one in there

and it makes more sense that it came from someone in the hidden village than a phoenix weapon, because

think about it

the only way for a phoenix weapon to have screwed with a human is either, a) they were told to do that by whoever was holding the key for their collar, or b) they didnt have a collar

i'd assume the collars were put on immediately after they were created, because if youre going to put a collar on why would you wait, and it doesn't make sense for them to have gotten it off at a later time, because once your mind control device is on why would you take it off. it also doesn't really make sense for one to have never been given a collar in the first place, because. that kinda just seems like something really important that you wouldnt forget yknow

and it doesnt make sense either that they were told to do that through the collar. because. idk making your bioweapon have sex doesnt really seem like itd be too high on the priority list to me

so

yea

thus concludes my presentation on why i think monsterfucking is canon to phoenotopia lore

how the village started (through the arcs and harpies alone or with human influence {which brings more questions about the monsterfucking}) is a different question but. we'll get to that eventually lmao

this parts purely headcanon but im choosing to believe that 1) gale is specifically part harpy and 2) it was her mom that did the fucking because

i think itd be cute because of that one harpy that's like "hey you have pink hair like me :)"

something something dilution of the DNA and itd be heehoo funni and her dad is never mentioned so. you never know kjsdjkds

thank you for listening

did the phoenix units ever get to do anything other than be bioweapons before being put in the bunker or no because if not then that means someone had to have fucked an arc or a harpy at some point in gales lineage and. idk monsterfucking having had to have happened is not something i wouldve predicted to be in this game lmao

[talkintrashcann]

Coffee and cupcakes - Spencer Reid

summary: reader opens up a new coffee shop in town, getting daily visits by a handsome customer. until he doesn't show up one day, wondering if he'll ever come back

wc: 2.2k

warnings: fem!reader, use of she/her pronouns, just fluff n stuff

a/n: this is the first time ive written something in months and first time for this character as well, but it was honestly so refreshing. i would love to receive some feedback from people if you enjoyed it!

Standing in front of her very own coffee shop, hands on her hips while she’s looking up at the sign of the shop. “Butterbean Coffee Shop/Biscuit Bliss” She couldn’t be more proud of herself, finally being able to make her dream of opening her own shop where she can sell freshly brewed coffee and homemade pastries come true. The inside was filled with different kinds of plants, plenty of books on the wall for people to read with a cup of coffee in their hand, chandeliers hanging from the ceiling and other cute decorations on the tables. It looks just like she imagined it to be. Now all that’s left to do is open the shop and wait for the customers to start coming in.

It took a while before the very first customer came inside, as most people preferred their overpriced Starbucks over a new coffeeshop they’ve never even seen before. But just then, a man walked passed the window. His nose was deep in a book he was holding, he sure has good taste. Looking up from his book, his gaze fell on the coffee shop causing him to halt in his tracks. Slowly he closed the book he was holding, reading the menu that was hung up behind the counter. He turned around and walked inside, giving the woman behind the counter an awkward smile.

“Good morning! What can I get for you today?”, she said enthusiastically unable to hide her excitement.

It stayed silent for a couple seconds, the man just staring at her with his mouth slightly hanging open as if he was trying to say something but the words got lost somewhere on the way out. She blinked a few times, confused as to why the man wasn’t saying anything. But after shaking his head and clearing his throat he just ordered a simple black coffee to go. And while she prepared him his order, he looked around the room to take in the new place he found. His eyes land on the pastry display, specifically on a very tasty looking cupcake.

“Can I get that chocolate cupcake as well? It looks really good.”, he pointed to the glass display.

“Of course! They’re freshly baked and your officially the first person to try them.”, she says while handing him his coffee and cupcake in a little brown bag. “Have a nice day, sir!”

And with that he left, looking back at her when he walked past the window once more. You wondered if he’ll ever come back, secretly hoping he would. There was just something about him that wanted to get to know him better. Or maybe that’s just what it feels like with all first customers.

But sure enough, the handsome man did return the next morning. He ordered the exact same thing as last time, a coffee and a chocolate cupcake to go.

“I assume you enjoyed the cupcake yesterday?”

“Oh yes, honestly one of the best cupcakes I’ve ever had.”

It warmed her heart to hear him say those words. Did he really find her cupcakes that good? She handed him his order, his fingers accidentally touching hers when he was about to take it. He apologized and showed that cute awkward smile again, before turning around and leaving the shop.

“See you tomorrow!”, he yelled as he walked away past the large window.

It excited her to know he’ll be coming back. Just like he said he came back the next morning, and the next one, and the morning after that, and the one after that. On some days he even waited outside the shop before she had even opened yet, patiently standing there until she would let him in. As days went by, she started to get to know him better. His name was Spencer Reid according to the tag hanging from his bag, he was always wearing mismatched socks and he would show up every single day with a different book in his hand. On colder days he would even wear a purple scarf around his neck, which she thought suited him really well. Apparently he comes here every morning because the coffee at his work is terrible, and he has always had a soft spot for chocolate cupcakes. Giving him some sort of comfort.

She got so used to seeing him every day that if felt weird when one morning he didn’t show up. Maybe he was just running late for work and didn’t have time to stop for coffee. Or perhaps he’s just not in the mood for coffee today. Or what if he’s sick? Did something happen to him? Endless possibilities popped up in her head as to why he wasn’t here, and it honestly hurt that he wasn’t. She couldn’t explain why but every time she saw him, a warm feeling filled her up inside even on the cold winter days. So when he doesn’t show up the next day, it breaks her heart. Days went by and still no sign of Spencer, it worried her to not know what happened to him but she just accepted it and went on with her life.

As she was getting ready to close one night, a knock on the window made her turn around and drop the broom in her hand. There he was, standing outside with an pleading look on his face. Basically begging her to let him in. Normally, she wouldn’t do this for anyone considering it’s already past closing time and she was about to leave. But Spencer wasn’t just anyone. So she walked to the door and turned the key, letting him come in.

“I’m so terribly sorry for coming in so late, I know you’re already closed but I was wondering if maybe I could still get a coffee? If it’s too much I can just go and-”

“It’s okay, take a seat. I’ll get you a coffee.”, she interrupted while getting back behind the counter to make some fresh coffee. He thanked her about a million times while taking a seat in the café. She noticed he was fiddling with his sweater, clearly there was something bothering him. So, while she placed his coffee in front of him together with the last piece of chocolate cake, she took the seat next to him.

“What’s on your mind?”

“Just had a tough week at work, that’s why I couldn’t come in sooner. I just got off the plane and hoped you were still open so I could get one more feel good coffee from my favourite place.“, he said after taking a sip of his hot coffee. His head was hanging low and his eyes had dark circles under them from exhaustion, his week really must have taken a huge toll on him.

“Do you wanna talk about it?”

“Oh no, please, I’m fine. You’ve already done enough for me by letting me in after closing hours, I can’t make you listen to my worries as well.”

“It’s really not a big deal, Spencer. I was genuinely worried about you, and to be honest you don’t look fine to me.”, she said as she placed her hand on top of his to express her sincerity. He looked up at her, staring at her beautiful eyes. God, she always looked so pretty. Taking a deep breath, he explained the things that happened to him at work, getting a couple gasps from her as he talked about how gruesome it can get sometimes.

The two continue talking until the sun completely sets, the big city being lit by just a couple street lights. They finally had the chance to get the know each other better, and what better way to chat than with a warm cup of coffee in your hand and a piece of cake in the other. They talked and laughed, shared life stories and even showed pictures of their pets. Time flew by and before they knew it, more than an hour has already past. She looked at the clock hanging on the wall above the counter, realizing how late it actually is. Spencer noticed it too, but something in him didn’t wanna leave just yet. His full attention was on her, admiring her side profile in silence. He would love to stay here with her forever, but even he knew that wasn’t possible. He finally build up the courage to speak up about the thing that has been on his mind all night.

“Is there anything I can do to repay you for doing this?”

“No, it’s alright. I had a nice evening so it’s on the house.”. She shot him one of her heart warming smiles, tinging something inside him.

“Well, I was thinking.. Maybe I could take you out sometime to talk some more. You know, like a date..?”

She stared at him like a dear in headlights, unsure if she heard him correctly. Was he actually asking her out on a date? The painfully long silence made him want to sink through the floor, thinking she was going to reject him and that the idea disgusted her. But she got up from her chair and flung her arms around his neck, pulling him into a tight hug.

“Yes! I’d love to! But maybe not to a coffee shop.”. She let out the most contagious little laugh as she pulled back, still keeping her hands on his chest while his rested on her hips. That’s when she realized how close they were actually standing, their face just mere inches away from the other’s. For a moment, it seemed like time stood still. It was just them in the cosy café, with no one else in the world expect them. They were staring into each other’s eyes, searching to find something they were both longing for. He leaned in, feeling her breath tickle on his face. Just when their lips were about to meet, a car honking outside made them jump, pulling away from each other. Both of them looked at the floor, too embarrassed to make eye contact after their intimate moment was interrupted. Spencer scratched the back of his neck, unsure of what to do next.

“Would it be alright if I walk you home? It’s not really safe out here for a woman to walk alone in the dark.”, he asked to break the awkward silence. She was glad he asked her that, not yet wanting to say goodbye to him. They cleaned up the shop together and went on their way to her house, which was just a 15 minute walk from the coffee shop. The walk was still a bit awkward from their interruption earlier, but it soon went back to normal chatter between the two of them. They shared more laughter, hands occasionally brushing against each other as they were walking so closely together. Something about being around the other made them relax, it was as if they’ve known each other for years.

When they arrived in front of her house, the conversation fell flat. Neither of them saying anything to postpone having to say goodbye. Spencer scratched the back of his neck, trying to think of something to tell her while she looked through her back to find her keys.

“So… Guess I’ll see you tomorrow morning?”, her voice had a hint of sadness in it. She looked at him as she stood there in the door opening, the faint street light appearing as little sparkles inside her eyes.

Spencer let out a breathy sigh, taking a few steps backwards while giving her a gloomy wave. It felt wrong to leave like this, to ignore what happened earlier in the café. He had a stabbing pain in his chest as he walked down those stairs in front of her house, looking back at the door to see her still looking at him.

Spencer didn’t want to wait till the morning to see her again, he had to hold her just one more time tonight. He stopped in his tracks, turning around and running back towards her house. Knocking on the door frantically, he was greeted with a confused y/n staring at him as she openend the door.

Without warning, Spencer pulled her closer, hand slipping around her waist. Her shoulders tensed as he placed his other hand on her cheek, staring right into her eyes. And in a heartbeat, he closed the space between them by capturing her lips with his, stealing her breath away. Slowly her shoulders relaxed, melting into the kiss. Her hands moved to his vest, pulling him even closer to her. Firework went off inside them, feeling ecstatic to finally express their affection. The kiss lasted for a couple more seconds until they pulled away, admiration spread all over their face.

Before Spencer had the chance to say or do something else, she pulled him inside with her. Closing the door behind them.

Guess that date came much sooner than expected.

The end...

[grasslandgirl]

multiples of 12 for fanfic asks!! (w binxhera au)

MWAAHHH DEAR LUKA XOXOX

12. Do you outline your fics?  If yes, how detailed are your outlines?  How far do you stray from them?

not really!!!! i've spoken on this before, but for the most part outlining- especially in detail- tends to make me lose my inspiration and motivation for whatever i'm working on, bc a large part of it comes from like. the discovery of figuring out what's going to happen next as i'm writing!!

of course there are some exceptions to this general rule- noble pining being the most glaring of them, i have an extensively detailed outline for that- i'm usually forced to outline a little when it comes to really longform/plot heavy fics, just to keep track of all the moving pieces, but generally i tend to limit outlines to just like. beats i have ideas for that i don't want to foget about

24. How do you choose whose POV to write in?

vibes mostly!! sometimes what's narratively required to move the story forward? sometimes pacing dictates POV if it's a fic with muliple pov changes, but by and large i tend to write in singular pov or back and forth dual povs and those are chosen by like. the framing direction i want to take of the narrative <3

36. What fic are you proudest of?

torn between slasherfic and noble pining for different reasons! slasher is one of the strongest, most cohesive things i've ever written imo; but noble pining is over three years in the making and is the longest thing ive ever written by a HUGE factor and i'm really proud of that, too !!

48. Who is your favorite character to write for?  Has this changed since you’ve started writing for that fandom?

oh my god it changes so much!! i take what i think is kind of an actor/theatre approach to writing? in that i try to find something of myself in every character i write or vice versa- i try to find something of the character in myself- and that really helps me find a solid foothold in how to write and find the voice for the character i'm focusing on!!!! so i don't know if theres one favorite character to write of all time, but it shuffles around depending on who im writing for the most and feeling the most comfortable in the shoes of in that moment

(right now it is, unsurprisingly, fig and gorgug <333333)

60. In [binxhera au], what inspired the idea for the plot?

i wrote this post back in october as acofaf was still airing !! and the idea really stuck with me <3

72. What’s your favorite writing compliment you’ve gotten?

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa this is hard bc im rich in compliments and affection and support so like. top three off the top of my head:

1) there's this one anonymous comment i got on a ye olde american vandal fic truly like. five years ago? saying that they (the commenter) was high but they really enjoyed my fic and that it made them feel like "that one vine of the lawn mower flying up into the sky while whiteny houston sings" and then commented a second time with a link to said vine to make sure i knew what they were referencing. and i thinki about that so much

2) i just messaged jack @kingfisherkink about this but he left me truly a NOVEL LENGTH comment on the first installment of slasher fic last year and its so <33333333333 i just become the human version of the heart emoji when i think about it bc it was such a kind and thoughtful and enthusiastic comment from someone whos opinion i think really highly of an di still have it open in a tab on my computer now months later

3) casey @aberfaeth has said multiple times that my great pretender fic (keiko fic, for those in the know) that i wrote for her bday last year is the best gift she's ever gotten in her life (now tied w the binxhera fic i wrote this year) (HER WORDS NOT MINE!! <33), and every time she says it and every time i hear it she makes me melt and go "noooo 🥹" for real in real life <3333 looove uuu

send me fic asks from this list!!!!

[ffwriterbts]

Lunar- BTS Werewolf AU Part 4

AN: As I’ve said before, if slowburn BTS werewolf AUs that have springlings of angst, smut, and fluff, this is the story for you! Other than that, please leave a like or comment so I know you’re enjoying the story!! The sections should start getting longer as I keep updating :) 

Also! Let me know if you want to be on a tag list for this story! 

Word Count: 7.7k

Warnings: General angst; slight medical talk; mental health issues; soulmate themes if you squint

Posted: 31 Dec 2020

Masterlist

Previous Next

When YN wakes up, she is lying in what looks like a fancy hospital room. Her shoulder is on fire, there’s an IV in her hand, her leg is propped up in an almost uncomfortable way, and all the rest of her feels like she was repeatedly hit by a cement truck. 

YN tries to sit up, but only makes it a few centimeters before pain wracks her body and she stops in her tracks. Her eyes snap shut and she takes a few deep breaths, doing her best to remember what happened and where she was.

And- nothing. YN doesn’t really remember anything that happened. 

That is, until Jin walks into the room, and everything hits her all at once- how Jin and Yoongi came to cook, how she was going back to the garden to grab her phone when a mystery wolf tried to harm her, how Yoongi transformed into a giant black wolf, how he fought for her, how Jin helped her. 

“I didn’t expect you to wake up so soon. Welcome back, YN.” Jin breaks the silence, and YN’s eyes snap up to him. 

“I-” YN starts, taking a second to collect her thoughts before continuing. “What happened to me?” Her voice is gruff, hoarse. 

“You were attacked.” Jin gives a little shrug before continuing, “Your shoulder was bitten, your ankle broken, you have three cracked ribs, and deep tissue bruising on the side with the bite. Other than that, you’re covered in scratches and bruises from the dragging and the nasty fall you took.” 

“Oh.” 

“Don’t worry, you have the same blood type as Jimin, and he was more than happy to donate for you. The wolf blood will have you healed by the end of the month for pretty much all of it. The ankle will take a little longer.” Jin shrugs again, going around and checking all of the monitors, making sure everything was good before he makes small talk with YN and helps her sit up, giving her water. 

Once he is sure she is as fine as she can be, he takes a seat at the end of the bed. YN can feel her ears get hot as she realizes that he has plenty of room, seeing as her legs don’t even reach three-fourths of the way down when she’s lying, much less when she’s sitting up. She doesn’t know why she feels this embarrassment, but she does anyway, and she silently hopes that Jin doesn’t know. 

“You must have questions, so why don’t I give you the full story?” Jin lightly pats where YN’s good foot is, smiling warmly at her. “If you want me to, of course.” 

“Please, I feel like I’m going crazy.” YN’s voice is much softer now, as she looks at him with those big, innocent eyes of hers, sipping water. 

“Well, I hope you’ve figured out by now that we are all werewolves.” Jin lets out a little laugh as YN nods softly. 

“We are a hidden race among humans, almost extinct. There are a few large groups over in America, there’s a couple here, a few somewhere in Europe, and a whole bunch over in Africa. There’s also a city of only wolves and special, trusted humans in China, which is also hidden from the world. We are bigger, faster, and stronger than even the very best human. We have the ability to change into wolves whenever we want, so long as we are fully healed.” Jin takes breath, looking to YN to make sure she was following along. 

YN nods, eyes trained on Jin as she listens, and he continues. 

“In order to survive, we had to breed with humans, muddle the gene pool. The fastest, strongest, largest of the humans, they are all part wolf. Our pack is one of the purest here, genetically speaking, but we would be considered basically human by our ancestors. But, to be fair, some humans are able to be welcomed into packs.” 

“Packs?” YN asks, head tilting slightly to one side as Jin smiles. 

“Yeah, like wolf packs. There are Alphas, Betas, and Omegas, which are basically what you think they are, though there is a lot more variation than you would think. Each designation is on a sort of scale, though that scale is not something that can easily be explained.” Jin gives another half shrug, glancing up at the IV, before standing and doing something that YN didn’t understand. 

“Here, let me get this changed so your body doesn’t starve or dehydrate. And I’ll let the rest of the boys know you’re awake, they’re excited to meet you and make sure you’re okay.” Jin clearly makes the move away from the subject of werewolves, and even though YN’s mind is swirling with questions, she doesn’t question the dropping of the subject. 

YN assumes (correctly) that any and all questions she possibly has will be answered in time, because something about the way Jin putters around the room doing this or that feels like coming home. 

~~~~~~~~~~~

Over the next week, YN steadily gets better. Whatever it is about the werewolf blood that makes healing kick it up into overdrive was working better than expected, which all of the boys were grateful for. She had visitors every day, for most of the day, and she quickly got along with each of them. 

Jin, who YN found out was actually a fully licensed medical doctor and surgeon, mandated that the boys were only allowed to go and see her in pairs, so she wouldn’t be overwhelmed. 

And thus, YN met Hobi and Jimin almost as soon as Jin opened the door to let the boys know she was accepting visitors. She could see who she would later find out to be Jungkook and Taehyung peaking in the doorway, wanting to be included but not being allowed to be. 

Both Hobi and Jimin very enthusiastically introduced themselves, taking no time at all to occupy the end of the bed that YN was far too short to occupy herself. Talking to them felt like talking to people she had known for years, and they had YN almost rolling with laughter within the first five minutes. 

It was almost an hour of not-so-patient waiting on behalf of Taehyung and Jungkook before Jin came back and kicked Hobi and Jimin out, scolding them half-heartedly for not letting the other two have their time yet. 

With quick apologies, those two boys slipped out of the room as two more replaced them. Again, just as enthusiastic, the two boys introduced themselves, and had YN in stitches almost too quickly. 

Without a second thought, YN is talking with them for almost two hours, before Namjoon comes in and cuts them off. He kicks the two youngest out of the room, telling them that YN needs to rest sometime, that she has to heal. 

Namjoon in turn takes the same spot at the end of the bed, but he is bearing gifts. Namely, the gift of her electronics from her home, a nice lap desk, and some of her very favorite sour candy.

“I figured you would want these things, seeing as you’ll be here for a while.” Namjoon smiles softly as he almost sheepishly rubs the back of his neck. 

“Oh, thank you!” YN is much more animated than she was even an hour ago, snatching the sour candies from Namjoon’s hand as quickly as she dares to, trying her best to open the bag without moving her one arm very much. 

“Do you want some help YN?” Namjoon’s voice is soft but deep, and YN nods without even a second’s hesitation, holding out the offending bag with a small pout. 

Namjoon just chuckles, making small talk as he easily opens the bag, carefully handing it to YN. She lets out a grateful sigh, carefully balancing the bag in her hurt hand, and throwing candies into her mouth. 

“How’d you know I like these?” YN asks absently, paying far more attention to the wonderful flavor than to Namjoon and his response. 

She was tired, her body was sore, and honestly, she was more excited for her candy and the prospect of a nice long sleep than she was about anything Namjoon had to say. That was, at least, until she actually heard the words that came out of his mouth. 

“Oh, we can read minds. We know all sorts of things about you.” His voice was that same even calmness, to the point that YN didn’t actually register what was said for almost a whole minute. 

“You… you what?” YN pauses and looks up at Namjoon, shock and confusion written so clearly on her face that Namjoon didn’t even need to read her mind to know exactly what she was thinking. 

“Hyung was supposed to tell you, but yes. It’s an innate ability of ours, and once you present you’ll probably be able to do the same.” Namjoon gives a little sort of half shrug as YN’s face just scrunches up more as she tries to fully process what Namjoon actually said. 

“I can see you’re confused.” Namjoon speaks again and YN rolls her eyes without taking a second to think about how that might be perceived. Sure, the men she had met had all been incredibly kind to her, but that doesn’t mean that they’re comfortable enough to start with the half-bratty sass that YN was known for with her close friends. 

“Yeah, I wonder why.” YN speaks for the first time, her eyes locking up onto Namjoons in a way that seemed out of character for the girl that he had begun to get to know. “It’s not like this is a lot to process or anything.” Sarcasm seems to drip from every pore like venom, and Namjoon pauses for the first time, slightly confused. Again, this was unlike the character that he had come to know as YN.

He’s sure YN doesn’t mean any harm by what she’s saying, that much is clear to him because of her thoughts, but he was under the impression that YN was just a sweet, mild mannered woman. Silently, Namjoon chides himself for allowing himself to believe that YN, a fully functioning adult woman, was something other than a three dimensional person with multitudes to her personality. 

“May I ask some clarifying questions?” YN asks after a short silence. For the first time, she felt slightly uncomfortable in the silence, wondering if she had actually offended Namjoon inadvertently. Usually, she tried to tame the more bratty side of her personality for fear of being hurt by someone she completely offended, and it seemed to hit her all at once that these men, who were already giant in comparison to her, also held an unknown strength.

YN’s fears are assuaged when Namjoon gives her a beautiful smile, nodding his head and motioning for her to ask away. 

“How much of my head can you see?” YN tilts her head to one side, not catching how strange her phrasing is until Namjoon lifts an eyebrow. By that point, too much time has passed for YN to really change her statement, and she can feel her ears getting hot as she waits for Namjoon to actually respond. 

“Well, any of us can read basically any thought you have. We can also access memories, though it is incredibly frowned upon to do so, as it is sort of like torture for the person whose mind you look into for that one. But, we can also teach you how to make sure we can’t see inside your mind, and when the door to the room closes, we can’t see into anyone inside the room.” Namjoon answers with a sort of practiced nuance, which is comforting to YN in a strange way. 

“Do you look at my thoughts all the time?” 

“No, of course not. That wouldn’t be fair, and honestly, we don’t really look in your mind at all. You do throw off emotion, but that’s different in the first place.” Namjoon gives that same little half shrug. 

“How’s it different?” YN’s voice is much softer now. There’s something about the way Namjoon speaks that makes her feel like she’s coming home. 

She shakes the feeling, instead trying to focus on what Namjoon has to say.

“When in the pack, emotions are shared and felt by the other members of the pack, to varying degrees. When it comes to other wolves, we are sensitive to their emotions and have a large amount of completely non-verbal communication. Part of why you’re so interesting to us is the fact that we can feel your emotions, though you clearly aren’t fully wolf.” Namjoon pauses, brow furrowed. 

“What does that mean?” YN’s expression turns to match Namjoons. 

“It means you’re one of us. But also that you’re not.” Namjoon brings a hand up to rub the bridge of his nose. “I’m not sure what it means, honestly. You smell like an Omega. You act like one, mostly. But you clearly won’t be able to turn once you finish presenting, you know nothing of our world or customs, you’re absolutely tiny.” 

YN shifts uncomfortably when Namjoon looks up at her, her ears heating up again, though she has no idea why she’s embarrassed. It’s not her fault she didn’t know about a hidden society of werewolves, after all. 

Namjoon opens his mouth to say something else, but the door opens and Jin steps in. 

“Namjoon, go separate Taehyung and Yoongi. They’re at it again. Both of them are acting like children.” Jin lets out a deep, exasperated sigh. “And you need to leave YN alone, she needs to heal. Didn’t you say the same thing to Tae and Kookie just a bit ago?” 

YN can’t help but smile softly at the familiar interaction, almost laughing when Jin shoos Namjoon out of the room. 

“As for you, Miss YN, you need to actually rest. Don’t be afraid to tell any of the boys to leave, they know full well that you are here to heal.” Jin gives YN a bright smile as he reaches behind her to make sure her pillows are arranged correctly. 

YN nods, a grateful smile on her features. “I’ll do my best to heal well, thank you.”  She speaks softly, her thoughts a jumbled mess after everything Namjoon told her, her prior annoyance and attitude melting away.

“Do you need anything else? It’s getting late enough I’m going to leave you, I know Namjoon set you up with your technology and chargers.” Jin stands in the doorway, facing YN. 

“No, thank you! I’m good until tomorrow.” YN answers quickly, arranging herself so she can rest comfortably for the night. 

“I’ll leave you then. If you need anything through the night, there’s a call button on the side there. Good night, YN.” 

“Good night!” YN calls, watching as Jin flicks off the light and closes the door. She then proceeds to lay there, in the strange bed, and stare up at the ceiling. 

It was a lot to process, everything that she’d been told. 

“I’m fucking crazy.” YN groans, sighing deeply and checking her phone for the first time in what could have been weeks. 

She was unsurprised to see that the only notifications she had were from her editor, sending back things for her to work on and asking for the corrections and newest works.

YN can’t help but sigh again, throwing her phone to one side and settling in better. She was thankful to the men who had saved her, and she knew somewhere deep down that she could trust them, but it was just a lot to deal with. 

What did it mean that she smelled like an Omega? What the fuck did it mean to present? What did Namjoon mean when he said that she threw off emotions? 

YN was confused, to say the least, but as she relaxed more and ignored the aches of her body, she realized just how tired she was. It didn’t take long for her to fall asleep, even with her mind swirling with question after question about what everything meant.

~~~~~~~~~~~

It was three weeks before YN had the use of her arm back, her shoulder only stinging slightly when she actually used her arm properly. It was another month after that before YN could walk on her ankle, which had been almost shattered from the attack. And that whole time, YN was bonding with the boys. 

She quickly found that the three youngest were incredibly physically affectionate, which YN just adored. She quickly found herself curling up beside Jimin, playing with his hair and feeling completely enveloped in his arms. Or laying across Jungkook’s lap, laughing at his facial expressions as he played his games. Or jokingly having Taehyung carry her around, lovingly calling him her “trusty steed” from her perch on his back.

She found that Jin’s love language was acts of service, which usually translated into him cooking this or that for the group. YN quickly fell into the habit of helping Jin as much as she could sitting at (or on) the counter, laughing at his dad jokes and making some of her own. She made sure that Jin didn’t forget to serve himself as well, always sneaking some of the best parts that he gave to her back into his own portion.

She found that the best way to bond with Namjoon was to just talk to him, about anything and everything, especially philosophical topics. Both YN and Namjoon loved the debate of this or that, the exchange of ideas, the passion of discussing things that others find to be boring. They would spend hours sitting in the library and reading this book or that novel, just to discuss it as soon as both of them had finished, getting off topic in that special way that isn’t really off topic, if you think about it on a deeper level. 

She found that Hoseok loved to dance, loved to explore music and feel it through the movement of  his body. While YN wasn’t able to stand and actually dance with him, even though she would have loved to, she did suggest new songs for him to try making routines to, bringing him water and snacks every so often. He would always ask her to stay and watch, which she did, always giving him the biggest applause she could at the end of the beautiful dances, talking his ear off about her love for movement like that, even if she couldn’t ever really do it herself. 

She found, however, that it was with Yoongi that she felt the most at peace. She quickly gained access to his ever-so-exclusive “genius lab,” where he made his music. Most of the time, YN would work on her writing as Yoongi worked on his music, the studio space filled with the soft sounds of YN’s typing and the sounds of whatever Yoongi was working on. They didn’t need to talk, instead the two sat in silence most of the time, just enjoying the fact that there was someone else there who understood that being together was all that was really needed.

Every so often, Yoongi would spin around in his chair and capture YN’s attention, asking her to listen to something and give her opinions on what could be improved or changed to make the song sound better. While YN didn’t have a lick of musical experience, she was sensitive to sounds and could pick out parts that didn’t quite mesh correctly with ease, which is just what Yoongi needed. 

On the flip side, when Yoongi was taking a bit of a break to stretch, YN would ask him to make certain motions or how to say certain things in different accents to help her be able to write this or that out in a way that actually made sense. Her editor was praising the way her work was coming back with less mistakes and awkward parts, and YN was absolutely loving the way she and Yoongi got along. 

And yet at other points, when neither Yoongi nor YN could seem to focus long enough to get anything done, the two would lounge side by side on the couch and just talk. They never really had something specific to talk about, but YN would find herself opening up about things that she had never told anyone else. She would find herself listening intently to whatever Yoongi decided to open up about, carefully choosing her words in a way that was meant to make him feel better, without making it feel like she was dismissing the feelings that he had in the first place. 

It was a system that worked, with YN falling into the routine of the home far quicker than any of them would have ever expected.  She found joy in helping Jin cook, she felt loved at the unashamed touchiness of Jimin and Taehyung, and again in the much more shy touchiness of Jungkook, she found quiet appreciation in sharing music and watching Hobi, she felt wanted during the long conversations and debates with Namjoon, and she felt at peace with Yoongi. 

She felt like she was home.  

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

But nothing can last forever, can it? YN knew just as much as the rest of the boys that she would have to go back to her own home eventually. 

And so, after two and a half months of living with the seven men, YN was taken back to her own home. 

Jin’s the one who drove her, with Namjoon riding shotgun. There was an aura of sadness the entire time, like none of them really wanted to go anywhere, but it wasn’t like YN could just move into their house. 

This wasn’t a movie or some crappy romance novel, after all. It was real life, and in real life, people don’t just pack up and move into the home of people who were basically strangers. 

The whole parting was quiet. YN couldn’t bring herself to actually say the word “goodbye” to either of the men who had come to make sure she got home safe, instead throwing her arms around their necks and giving them a good squeeze, wishing that she didn’t have to leave. 

The whole thing rang the same as the way she had parted with the other boys before the drive, the ache settling into her chest like someone had ripped out her heart and thrown it under the tires of the car as it pulled away, tears falling freely as a sharp longing settled in her stomach. 

It wasn’t until Jin and Namjoon left that YN actually cried, sobs tearing out of her throat as she crumbled to the ground, knees hitting the hardwood sharply. 

She had no idea how long she stayed there, feeling like there was a hole ripped into her very being, wishing for the comfort of Yoongi’s words, or Jimin’s wonderful hugs, or of Jin’s gentle prodding to “eat well.” 

Eventually, YN drug herself to her feet, stumbling to the kitchen and chugging some water before grabbing the bag she had borrowed to take her things back to her house, deciding she needed to put things away. 

“Why did I let them pack the bag?” YN groans, finding quickly that she is wholly unable to actually pick the bag up, and instead has to drag it to her room. She’s silently thankful for the wood floors because she can actually slide the bag. 

It isn’t until she gets to the last couple sweatshirts in the bottom of the bag that YN realizes she’d picked up a few presents from the boys. Shaking her head, she realizes why they had insisted on helping her in the first place, each of them had gifted her something small and they didn’t want her to refuse them, like they knew she would. The knowledge of how kind they were being was completely bittersweet, however, because they felt like “goodbye, at least remember us” presents.

From Jin she got the knife she quickly claimed was her favorite because it was the only one that was properly sized for her. There was a small note attached tha read “For my favorite kitchen helper, since it’s too small for me, -Jin” 

YN felt the tears well up in her eyes as she carefully set the knife to the side, not wanting to accidentally hurt herself. She then reaches back into the bag, wondering what else she might find. 

Hobi’s gift was next, giving her the one black headband of his that she always stole and jokingly wore around. It was wrapped around an adorable little teddy bear, with a note saying “For my favorite dancer, even if you couldn’t really do anything. Next time, I’m sure you’ll show me up -Hobi <3” 

Tears were flowing down her face now, but YN couldn’t stop looking for what was next, no matter what kind of feelings arose from it. 

Next she found one of the small figurines from Jungkook’s games, the one she always told him was her favorite because of it’s cool jacket. The note simply read “He might be your favorite, but you’re mine.”

YN smiled at the lack of signature, getting up and placing the figure on her nightstand, carefully angling it so it could watch over the room. Taking a seat on the edge of her bed, she reaches into the bag again, pulling out a gift that couldn’t have been from anyone but Namjoon. 

It was a book that was equal parts old and beautiful, and as YN ran her finger down the spine, she took out the note that was sticking out of the book. She wiped the tears from her face before she read the note, not wanting to drip tears onto it.

“Our Miss YN, 

Please don’t take this as a goodbye, but as a promise for the future. You’re just as important to us, to me, as we are to you. Remember us, remember the good, and look to when we can be together again. 

-Joon” 

It’s with this that YN starts sobbing again. They’re so sweet, those boys, and YN couldn’t help but feel almost lost without them. Her chest hurt like someone had shot her, a strong sort of longing that seemed endless settling into the pit of her stomach. 

It takes a while this time, before she can reach into the bag again. When she does, she almost immediately has renewed cries falling from her lips. 

She had pulled out the one super soft sweater of Jimin’s that she absolutely adored. She had told him that she was going to steal it from him whenever he wore it, twisting her fingers in the material and snuggling closer to him. It was soft, it smelled nice, and she knew that it would make her both look and feel tiny. 

There’s no note with this one, but YN can feel the love and sincerity behind the action, draping the sweater over her legs for the time being. She reaches into the bag again, smiling as she pulls out one of Taehyung’s million beanies, wrapped around a small toy horse. 

There is a note with this one, which simply reads “Horse.” It’s the most Taehyung thing YN can think of, and without a second thought, she places the horse next to the figurine, pulling the beanie on. 

She doesn’t find anything else immediately, taking a minute to put the things she had gotten in safe spots and going to put away the last couple hoodies, which she knew were hers. 

It isn’t until she reaches the last thing in the bag that she finds what Yoongi left her. At first, she thought it was just one of his hoodies, which she absolutely adored, but when she took it out to lay it next to the sweater Jimin had given her, something fell out of the folding. 

Quickly, YN picks up whatever fell, and finds that it’s a CD. She shakes her head, knowing that Yoongi would be the kind of person to share music as a gift. She sets the CD carefully on the bed, gathering up her shower supplies and a towel, both because she needed to take them back to her bathroom, and because she needed to actually shower. 

~~~~~~~~~~~

Once she’s freshly showered, using Hobi’s headband to keep her hair out of her face, wearing nothing but the amazingly soft sweater Jimin left her, YN settles into her bed with a CD player she found, Yoongi’s hoodie layed out beside her. Now that she had calmed down, she could smell the boys on the things they had given her. She would have been lying if she said that it wasn’t incredibly comforting to have their scent around her. It made the gaping hole in her chest feel a little less bloody, for whatever reason. 

Pressing play, YN settles in, not knowing what to expect. Neither the CD nor the CD cover had any sort of writing on it, so YN had no idea what was going to be playing, or for how long. She can’t help the small smile that graces her face as Yoongi’s voice fills her space, speaking deep and slow in that comforting way YN loved. 

“YN, my lovely secret keeper. You’re hearing this now because the day has come that you had to go back to your own home. I know none of us want you to leave, and if your actions have anything to say about it, you don't want to go.

You know as well as I do that things don’t always work the way we want them to, though.  We will be coming to visit you, as much as we can. And we will keep an eye on you. 

YN, please listen to me when I tell you I won’t let anything happen to you. It broke my heart, letting you get hurt once. And I’m not sure what I would have done if Hyung and I weren’t there when you were attacked. 

If you need me, if you need any of us, we will be there. Always.” 

YN curls up in a ball, hugging Yoongi’s hoodie to her chest, breathing in his scent deeply. She knew that he meant every word, that he truly would never let anything happen to her on purpose, but she also felt abandoned by him. By all of them. 

She had spent the last ten weeks of her life talking to Yoongi or Namjoon when she felt bad. Going to Jimin or Taehyung for cuddles when she was lonely. Gaming with Jungkook when she was bored. Laughing with Jin while prepping meals. Doing what little dancing she could with Hobi when she was restless. Laughing as Taehyung insisted on carrying her from one room to another, even once she had healed enough to walk. 

She had spent the last ten weeks evening out their teams when they played games, singing off-key on karaoke nights, fielding Taehyung’s touchiness before he got on Yoongi’s nerves (because for some reason, Tae insisted on trying to cuddle Yoongi at every opportunity), celebrating with them, helping to clean the wolves if there was a fight, stealing blankets off of every surface she could, curling into the side of whoever sat beside her in the name of stealing their boundless warmth.

She had spent ten weeks creating a space for herself in their lives, in their home. And now, it was back to living in a house that was way too big for her, with nobody to keep her accountable. 

It was because of this that she cried herself to sleep, even the sound of Yoongi’s beautiful music filled the room. She missed them, more than anything. She felt like she was crying more than she ever had, and it had only been hours since she left their home.

What YN didn’t know was that the boys were missing her just as much back at their home. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jin had decided to make a fancier meal than usual, because it would take more time and take his mind off of everything, but as he went about getting things done, he couldn’t help but miss seeing YN, perched precariously on the counter, babbling away about this or that as she carefully cut whatever needed to be chopped up. 

He internally cringed as the thought of the time YN had slipped and almost fallen on her hurt ankle, his own quick reflexes being the only thing that had saved her from weeks of extra healing. Honestly, even though it stressed him out to no end to have her cutting things balanced the way she was, it was also something that he had come to expect. Secretly, he wished she had fallen on that ankle, because that would mean she would have still been right there, trying to out-joke the dad joke master himself. 

Jungkook had holed himself away in his room, going to game, setting out a second controller without thinking about it. He had been in the middle of teaching YN how to play his favorite game, so that they could properly play together instead of having her just watch him play all the time. It felt wrong for him to have to just put away that second controller. 

The feeling was just exasperated when he went to start the game and it came up with the section that they had been working through. Fondly, Jungkook remembered the way YN would bring her bottom lip between her teeth as she concentrated on doing things correctly, bouncing in her seat when she finally figured out how something worked. Despite the fond memories, he found himself close to tears, staring at that second controller. 

Jimin and Hobi both went to the studio, deciding to dance away the hurt. Without thinking, Hobi went to ask YN what song they should freestyle to, the words dying in his throat as he turned around to talk to the girl that just wasn’t there. Jimin can see just how much pain Hobi is in, not even speaking as he brings the slightly taller man into his arms, feeling the same sense of loss. 

They sunk down to the floor, neither of them wanting to talk, which in itself was strange for the two normally boisterous men. Jimin missed the feeling of having YN curled up beside him, stealing his heat. Hobi missed being able to talk to her about the dances he was doing, getting a perspective from someone who didn’t really know anything about dance. They missed her. 

They didn’t realize until that moment, when the two were both trying to get the same sort of comfort from each other that they had begun to seek out YN for, how much of a hole there was in their group. Sure, they had been just fine before YN, and would be fine again without her, but there was a comfort with her that they didn’t know how to replace. Things just weren’t the same.

Taehyung busied himself with a book that Namjoon had been recommending to him about one artist that he recently found, but he couldn’t focus on the words or pictures in front of him. Instead, his mind was preoccupied with the fact that, for the past two months, he had spent this lazy time in the afternoon helping YN get from place to place, laughing with her as the others did this or that. He missed those moments, with YN laughing in his arms or on his back, even though it shouldn’t have been long enough for those feelings to settle in. 

He closed the book, flopping down onto the sofa he had settled on and trying not to think too hard about what he could have been doing with YN. If he was being honest with himself, he liked having someone who was so small and easily carried around, because he liked feeling big and important in comparison to her. It was an added bonus that her personality meshed so well with his own, and that she seemed to just understand  the weirder parts of his personality, instead of being put off by them like so many others. 

Sure, he was one of the largest of the pack, but that didn’t mean he felt like it. By wolf standards, he was pretty close to normal, but for whatever reason, he loved the way YN would curl into his side when they were seated next to each other, mumbling about being cold, looking absolutely tiny in comparison to his own body. 

Or how she’d sigh dramatically whenever she had to stand to do something, hopping around the room and never asking for help, despite the fact Taehyung would be the first to jump up and whisk her off her feet completely, just carrying her to wherever it was she needed to be, chiding her for not asking for the help she so clearly needed. 

Namjoon decided to go to the library, curling up in the chair that YN usually occupied in the mornings before everyone else woke up. His mind was swirling, automatically analyzing why he felt the way he did, instead of really feeling those feelings. Absently, he stroked the spine of the book that YN had been reading, a soft smile gracing his face when he realized that it was the one he had recommended when she was still completely bedridden during those first few days. 

He glanced down at the small table beside the chair, realizing for the first time that YN had left a little notebook under the book. He picks it up, flipping through it and quickly realizing that she had been taking notes over things she was eager to discuss with him, which should have made him happy, but in reality just made him feel worse because she wasn’t there to actually follow through. 

Namjoon chuckled to himself as he imagined YN, absolutely tiny in the chair, curled up in one of the fluffy blankets she always seemed to be wrapped up in, lovingly devouring the book that he had recommended to her, scribbling notes onto her notepad for later. He realized absently that he had missed one of the ways that she showed her growing love and appreciation for him was through this small action, making sure that she knew what she was going to say before their discussions. Namjoon was surprised when a drop of water fell onto the page in the notebook YN had marked, not realizing until he sniffled that it was his own tears. 

Yoongi locked himself up in his Genius Lab as soon as YN was in the car, headphones on as he did this or that to the song he had been working on. He tried to ignore the fact that he couldn’t hear the soft clicks of a keyboard behind him. He tried to ignore the sinking feeling of being lonely.

 He had never once felt lonely in his studio, not before he started letting YN hang out on the couch as he worked.

 Not until he got used to spinning around in his chair and seeing YN there, typing away on her laptop. He remembered hearing her little sighs of frustration or exasperation when something doesn’t work out quite right, her brow furrowed, her tongue sticking out slightly, with a growing fondness.

Yes, Yoongi liked being alone. He enjoyed the silence, he enjoyed his own company. He had always liked being alone, it was how he recharged. And it wasn’t until he let YN into his most private sanctum that he had ever really felt lonely. 

It wasn’t until Jin rounded all of them up for dinner that they realized that every single one of them were missing YN. 

“This is bullshit.” 

Yoongi is the one who speaks, heads turning towards him. None of them had really been in the mood for much talking, but none of them had figured Yoongi, of all people, would be the one to break the tense silence. 

“What, I know you’re all thinking it too. This is bullshit.” Yoongi glares at his plate, taking a deep breath before he looks up at the others. 

“None of us wanted YN to leave. YN didn’t want to leave. And now we are all miserable.” Yoongi stands now, not bothering to push in the chair he had been sitting on. 

“I don’t care what any of you do. I don’t care what the consequences are. I’m going to YN’s.” Yoongi’s eyes sweep the faces of the six boys he loves the most, a fiery intensity radiating off of him in a way that has them all flinching away from him. 

“Yoongi you can’t ju-” Namjoon starts, standing and going over to try to calm Yoongi down, but a sharp growl from Yoongi makes him stop in his tracks. 

“No!” Yoongi’s voice drops an octave as he steps closer to Namjoon himself, squaring up with the leader in a way that could very easily lead to a fight.

 “You know as well as I do Alpha,” Yoongi spits the word like it’s acid on his tongue. “she smells like one of us. She has our scent all over her. If they find out we let her go, that we aren’t around her all the time anymore, they’re going to kill her.” 

Namjoon opens his mouth to say something, anger bubbling up in him like a cursed well, when Jin stands, pushing himself between the two Alphas. 

“Both of you! Stop it!” Jin stands, making sure each of them are an arm’s length away from each other. “We all miss YN, but there’s a reason she’s not here. As much as it might seem like it, she isn’t one of us. She doesn’t belong with us.” 

The other boys are all standing now, helping to make sure Yoongi and Namjoon stay away from each other, trying to calm both of them down. A fight between the Alphas would not end well.

“How could you say that?” It’s Hoseok who speaks this time, his voice sounding oddly small. 

“Because it’s been almost a hundred years since there was a lost Omega! You all know how rare they are, seeing how strong the Omega gene is. We knew her uncle, and he didn’t have a lick of wolf in him, even if she managed to somehow get some wolf in her, it can’t be enough for her to be able to pack bond.” Jin flicks his eyes between the other boys, focusing his attention on keeping Namjoon behind him. 

It’s silent for what feels like hours. 

“Then why do I feel like I lost a piece of me, huh?” It’s Taehyung who speaks up this time, his hands clenched into tight fists at his sides, tears rising in his eyes. “Explain that, Hyung.” His voice is barely above a whisper, choked out over a growing lump in his throat. 

“I-” Jin starts, the words dying in his throat as he watches Taehyung turn into the closest person, seeking the comfort of someone else. 

For once, Yoongi opened his arms to Taehyung, glaring at Jin from over the other man’s shoulder, trying to comfort him. 

“I don’t know.” Jin finally admits, his face falling. 

Again, the room falls silent, only the soft sniffles of Taehyung breaking the deafening quiet of the room. 

“I think we all feel the way Tae does, don’t we?” Namjoon speaks for the first time in a while, the anger he had felt having finally subsided almost completely. There are nods from everyone. 

“The feeling is new, and we don’t want to make a mistake. If we report YN as being lost, she will become a target. If we don’t, we will. Let’s wait for at least a week before we approach her again.” Namjoon eyes the others in the room. “But let’s keep patrols heavy in her part of the woods.” 

Yoongi glares at Namjoon, thoughts swirling. A whole week without YN, knowing that she’s in pain being away from them? It sounded like downright torture to him. 

“Yoongi, Hyung, you know how big of a deal it is to be the pack with a lost Omega. She’ll become a target, just because she can’t handle half as much as we can. It’d be easy to not only to just kill her, but to break her spirit, to force her to tell them about our weaknesses as a pack. She’d have to be with at least one of us almost all the time, have to live with us. She’d have to give up big parts of her freedom, and the YN we know wouldn’t enjoy that at all.” Namjoon pauses, taking a deep breath. 

“We have to be sure before we approach her with this. For all we know, she won’t ever fully present and YN isn’t really one of the lost at all.” Namjoon brings a hand up to rub at his temple, a headache starting from the strong mix of emotions. 

Yoongi sighs, Taehyung finally detaching himself from the smaller man as Yoongi runs a hand through his hair. 

“You’re right Joon. I know you’re right.” He lets out another, more exasperated sigh before he continues, “It’s just hard, ya know? Waiting another week feels like torture, because I know, I know, that YN is hurting. And we caused it.” 

The other boys nod, giving murmurs of agreement as they start to dissipate, their meal forgotten as they begin to retreat again. For whatever reason, even the most other-person oriented of the pack wanted to be alone, wanted to have a minute to process everything that was going on by themselves. 

“Jin, Yoongi. Can we go talk further in the office? We need to actually figure out what to do next.” Namjoon catches Jin by the shoulder before he walks out of the room, reaching for Yoongi as well, even though he was across the room. 

Yoongi just nods, Jin letting out a short hum of approval. The trio then turn in unison, heading out towards the office space that Namjoon used so often. 

[e8luhs]

Hey! So, since you run an actually successful fanventure, do you have any tips on writing one? Mine, Scratchwise, is still in the baby stages, and I want to make it the best it can be.

heres the post ive written about character development!

since most of my previous posts on actual plot writing have been nonexistent and very vague, HERE under the cut are a couple of things that i can say ive learned over the course of time and hopefully it will help you somehow. enjoy

obviously the first question that should be asked is this: what story do you want to tell? figure out themes that are important to you. study your favorite novels and analyze the themes you recognize, why you recognize them, and why they may or may not have an emotional impact on you. do you want to tell a story about recovery? about struggle? WHATEVER have you? ask why you want to tell it, and how youre going to tell it.

sidenote 1.1: sometimes you wont know what youre going for for a while, and thats okay. to be honest i totally had no idea what the main theme of cataclysmalbound until later into the game. sometimes this shit just pulls itself together and thats fine too, but i recommend thinking about themes early on because it helps immensely with foreshadowing and character development.

please god do your research if youre going to be writing about heavier topics. honestly this is a pretty obvious point but i still feel it needs to be specified. i cant even really begin to describe how not just annoying but downright frustrating it is seeing stories where people milk their characters trauma or really just have the audacity to write about experiences that they have no authority to speak about. if youre going to be writing about abuse and trauma, please take on these topics with care, and keep in mind that they must be covered with a sense of understanding, nuance, and with education; these are actual experiences that actual people have to go through.

sidenote 2.1: here and here are some jumping-off-point sources for advice with writing traumatized characters. again these are like SUPER JUMPING OFF POINT sources take it all with a grain of salt and sense of skepticism, theres also plenty of writing blogs on tumblr and whatnot which have typically talked about similar. just USE RESOURCES. you get the gist.

revise revise revise. listen to me right now, youre not going to go with the first version of your story. in fact you SHOULDNT go with the first version of your story, EVER, because your story WILL become better alongside you and your own writing style. give yourself time to let your story sink in, and adjust accordingly when you find hiccups.

sidenote 3.1: im tellin you that cataclysmalbound originally? was nothing like it is now and its because ive been working on it since 2016. i have obviously changed not only as a person but a writer since that point in time. i originally tried starting up the comic one month after the creation of the characters. guess how that went? TERRIBLY! because i had NO idea who the characters were, half of them were irrelevant, the plot was rushed and all in all it was a bad time. just like, let yourself SIT on it no matter how enthusiastic you are. i get it... i know... but seriously

be flexible. in my experience its good to have a plot but its even more important to go with what feels natural to your characters. im personally a very character driven person so it MIGHT just be me, but honestly if your plot is TOO structured it can be almost suffocating to the characters because it gives them no space for development, conversation, emotions, it leaves NO space for tension. dont guide your characters, FOLLOW them because it will ultimately be 20x more impactful in the end due to it being driven by your characters feelings/motivations/actions rather than just like... whatever.

pacing is important. if you have too much going on too quickly, it will lead to an ultimately unfulfilling and lifeless story. let things build up over time. this might not come naturally and thats okay as well! ive had to re-write and re-pace my story like 3 or 4 or HOWEVER many times because ive realized later on just how rushed it sounded. again: youre going to evolve and flexibility is important so that you CAN evolve.

keep track of your plot. duh, obviously. write it down, keep it in a google doc, keep it on a google sheet, whatever is best for you

sidenote 6.1: write down all of your new ideas too. “oh ill remember this later its too cool to forge--” NO. you WILL FORGET. WRITE IT DOWN. KEEP NOTES ON YOUR PHONE. KEEP A NOTEPAD ON YOU. you will thank yourself later.

talk to other people about your characters. overcome the anxiety! its worth it! not only will it help you with bouncing new ideas for plot points off of other people, but it will also give you an idea of how these events and characters will be interpreted. taking from not only your OWN skillset but OTHERS is really great and good and no matter how “solo” of a job youre pulling, writing and literature ultimately is about teamwork because of the fact that it can be interpreted and tweaked upon in unique ways by everyone.

when in doubt write it out. i have run into pitfalls where i have an idea of what i want to happen, but i dont know HOW to make it happen. what causes it, what are the characters intentions, how does it build up, etc. sometimes the best thing you can do at these points is just WRITE like, from whichever characters perspective is necessary and go ham on it. write out the aftermath, or write DURING the plot point, or write how relationships might be affected by it. genuinely it has been helpful to me for brainstorming, since it puts me into my characters places and helps me ask “what would logically happen based on how everyone acts”. sometimes its really as simple as getting it out of your head and onto the page.

sidenote 8.1: on the topic of characters, as ive stated in the “character development” half of this, if you dont care about or dont have a place for your character in the plot, ditch em. really. throw em out if they dont have an actual impact. if you DO care but still dont have a place, its up to you to make one.

sidenote 8.2: also sometimes you might have a character which you might really favor and want to give them a lot of like DRAMA but if you want to have equal emphasis on all of your characters, you need to figure out how to redistribute the spotlight.

finally all i can say is that the rest is up to you. to get all up and fucking poetic in here, the sparks of inspiration will naturally come from your own life and experiences and feelings. utilize that and also the ways that you as an individual garner ideas... because thats what makes your story unique ^_^ go fucking hogwild. apeshit, if you will

[bloo-the-dragon]

Geno and Sparks - Hospital Visit

Heeeey!

Been a while since i posted a written thing huh!

Sorry about that.

So this is a short(ish) fic that started out as just an experiment for some character developments and ideas that ended up going a bit further than i intended.

So basic overview, Sparks ends up at the hospital and Geno goes to visit him and during the visit an unexpected turn of events happen! (Warningfeelsahead) ;w;

MommaCQ/Worldview belongs to @alainaprana ~

Geno belongs to @loverofpiggies ~

Sparks and Bloo(persona) belong to me. ~

Geno’s nerves were shooting through the roof as the nurse led him to the room Sparks was currently staying in.

There had been quite the scare when the child suddenly passed out yesterday morning. Geno hadn’t been there, but Bloo had rung him to let him know what happened after she had gotten him to the hospital. Thankfully it hadn’t been as bad as first thought – his magical energy had suddenly dropped almost dangerously low, and while he was now out of the danger zone the doctors said they wanted to keep him for a few nights to keep an eye on his soul as it was showing signs of instability and there was a chance it might suddenly give out at any moment.

The news had terrified Geno. He had been babysitting Sparks for a few months now and had grown very attached to the child. He had wanted to come up to see him, but unfortunately his own health had taken a bit of a downhill and he was unable to come up to visit little Sparks. Bloo kept him up to date with phone calls, and reassured him that Sparks would be alright, though he could hear the worry in her own voice which made him even more anxious.

Today though Geno was thankfully well enough to come up to visit Sparks himself. The nurse had been expecting him, as he had phoned Bloo to let her know he was coming and she in turn had let the doctors know. The nurse told him Bloo was away to handle some errands, but she would be happy to take him to Sparks room to which he agreed.

Geno fidgeted with his hands. He was getting increasingly anxious as it felt as though it was taking forever for him and the nurse to reach the room Sparks was staying in. He glanced around, taking in all the sights and sounds. They were all familiar to him, given the number of times he had to stay at hospitals while growing up. He felt his soul pang in sympathy and sadness as he realised it was most likely the same for little Sparks.

“Here we are” The nurse stopped outside of a room, snapping Geno out of his thoughts. “You know what to do if something happens. Just push the red button and help will come” The nurse told him.

“Yes, thankyou” Geno replied, as he stepped past the nurse and into the room. The doctors here knew him well enough. He had been here more than a few times in the past, or at least enough times for them to not forget about him.

Geno saw Sparks sitting semi upright on the bed, being supported by the back rest. There was an IV tube connected to the child’s hand that ran up to a bag filled with magical substance. Geno sighed.

Poor kid.

As he approached, he instantly noticed how quiet the child was which made him feel very worried. Usually Sparks was a lot more active than this. Even bedridden, he would be looking around curiously, playing with any nearby toys or scribbling on some paper. And he would have most certainly heard Geno and the nurse approaching, even before seeing them. The kid had pretty good hearing.

However, this time Sparks was near motionless, head slightly bowed and staring off into space. His little colouring book and pencils were on the drawers next to the bed, but it didn’t look as though they had been touched. He didn’t even seem to be aware that Geno was even in the room.

This wasn’t good.

“Sparks?” Geno called gently.

That seemed to do the trick. Sparks head suddenly snapped up and his eyes brightened once he caught sight of Geno. A big smile spread across the child’s face.

“Gigi! You’re here!”

Geno let out a sigh of relief and smiled back as he sat down in a chair next to the bed before the excited Sparks had a chance to leap out of the bed as he had done once before. He had tripped, but thankfully didn’t fall over though he didn’t seem to faze him at all. Certainly gave Geno and Bloo a bit of a scare, and he preferred to not have a repeat incident. However, he was very happy to see Sparks back to his usual self.

“I knew you’d come! I really missed you! Ma said you couldn’t come to visit yesterday cos’ you were feelin’ sick. Are you feelin’ better now? Are-“

“Whoa hey slow down kiddo! Breathing! Kinda need to do that, remember?” Geno laughed slightly as he cut off Sparks excited rambling. He was relived to see Sparks still had that “spark” of energy of his.

“Oh! Oh yeah that!” Sparks took a short moment to catch his breath, but before he could continue, Geno spoke up again.

“Besides I’m the one who should be asking if your alright. You… certainly gave me and Bloo quite the scare yesterday” Geno said, his smile fading just a little. Sparks seemed to have gone a little quiet again. His big grin faltered slightly, and his eyes cast off to the side.

“So…How do you feel in yourself?” Geno asked.

Sparks shrugged, and the smile widened again “Mm doin ok! Doctors said I had to stay in bed though. Sucks” Sparks pouted.

Geno laughed, “Haha ah well I know it sucks but it’s for the best. Wouldn’t want anything happening, now would we?”

“Mm guess not” Sparks replied, a little less enthusiastic than before.

“Uh.. everything alright kiddo? Your lookin a lil sombre there” Geno’s happy smile quickly shifted into a worried one.

“Mmhmm” Sparks mumbled a bit as he stared off into the distance again, causing Geno to frown.

Geno was starting to become increasingly worried. Something was going on here. Sparks was usually so peppy and outgoing but today he seemed… off. Geno had become aware of the child’s distaste for staying in bed all day not long after starting to babysit. However, the kid always seemed to find ways to entertain himself, with his toys, watching cartoons, drawing in his colouring book and even making up little stories and personalities for his toys. Seemed almost impossible for the kid to be bored.

But then that was when he was at home. Having to make frequent visits to the hospital and stay for long periods of time confined to the beds here would have a negative effect on even the most positive of people over time no doubt. At the hospital things are different. You’re not surrounded by the familiarity of being home, nor having all the things that bring you joy around you. Perhaps that was the reason for his sudden change in attitude. Geno felt a twang of sympathy for the child. He knew that feeling all too well.

“...Gigi?”

“Wha-huh?” Geno snapped out of his thoughts and looked up at Sparks who was now looking back up at Geno, though all traces of a smile had left the kids face. He didn’t look sad though just… blank. And possibly a bit confused but Geno wasn’t sure. He couldn’t tell what the child was thinking.

“Yeah wassup kiddo?”

“I heard the doctors talking with ma today”

Geno felt a chill run up his spine. “Oh, you did?” He tried to keep his voice light hearted.

Sparks nodded, “I was bored an’ my legs were feelin’ funny so I left the bed to walk around a bit. They were talkin’ about me. I don’t think I was supposed to hear em”

Geno wasn’t sure how to respond. He was feeling very conflicted and very worried as to where this was leading too. He noticed Sparks seemed to be a little troubled as a small frown had formed on the childs face. Geno suddenly felt half a mind to stop Sparks from continuing, especially if it was bothering the child but at the same time he felt that maybe it would be good for the child to talk about it. Then again, he was so young, and he didn’t want Sparks worrying.

“Well, uhh..”

“They said I wasn’t doing well” Sparks continued, cutting Geno off.

Geno felt a sharp pang in his soul.

“Somethin’ about my soul not doing good. I have ta’ stay here for a while they said. Ma didn’t sound so happy either” Sparks carried on. Their expression was still blank, as was the tone in their voice. He didn’t sound sad though, nor did he sound happy.

Geno was struggling. He couldn’t tell if Sparks knew what was going on, or if he didn’t and was trying to make sense of what he heard by voicing it to Geno. Either way it wasn’t looking good, and it was starting to bring back some de ja vu memories for Geno.

Before Geno could respond, Sparks suddenly perked up look up towards Geno with a big bright smile. “Don’t worry! Ma said the doctors here are the best and that I won’t be here for too long! She said if I’m good I can leave the bed n’ perhaps wander around the halls and visit the play area and stuff. And she’s gonna bring me some books for story times! Which is great cos’ I wanna tell her a good story tonight so she’ll feel better”

“Oh? Is she not feeling too well?” Geno asked.

Sparks shook his head, “No. I told her that if its my time to go then not to be sad because I would be going to a happy place and I’ll be ok! It made her sad and I felt bad…” Sparks told him.

Whatever Sparks said next, Geno didn’t hear him. Every bone in his body froze up and his soul twinged almost painfully. Everything seemed to come to an instant standstill, and the room suddenly felt a lot colder than it had before.

Sparks had said that sentence so casually it had left Geno feeling utterly shocked, to the point where all trains of thought just halted to a stop as he slowly processed what he had just heard.

It felt like hours had passed by the time Geno regained his senses, though it had only been a few seconds and he suddenly felt very very distraught, as all his emotions came crashing down on him like a tidal wave. Sparks didn’t seem to have noticed. He had carried on talking, despite Geno’s current state.

“It’s like going to sleep they told me” Sparks continued.

“W-Wha..” Geno could barely manage a response.

“Whenever I go to sleep, I always dream of going to these new places!” Sparks carried on, “And there’s all these really cool people who are super nice and always like to play and tell stories. But when I wake up back here it’s all gone. So, when I go to sleep and don’t wake up it will be ok because I’ll be there in the happy place with all the nice people.”

Geno couldn’t stop himself rom covering his mouth with a shaky hand as he realised what was going on in the child’s mind. This was… so much worse than he had thought. He should have known. Why had he not seen the signs before? He should have KNOWN!

“But… I only get to the nice place if I’m happy you see.” Sparks continued. He seemed to become more and more downcast as he kept talking. “That’s why I always do my best to stay as happy as I can. Because if I’m feeling really... really scared… and I go to sleep… I go to a scary place with… scary p-people. So, if I’m going to sleep I want t-to be happy s-so I can go to the h-happy place.”

Sparks had startled to tremble slightly, and his little hands had gripped the sheets more tightly. The reality of his situation seemed to be fully dawning on the child, as his defences began to drop, and now Geno could no longer see the happy cheery child before. Now all he saw was a frightened small child who had now come to the full realisation of his condition, and the internal conflict they were still so desperately trying to hide. Geno felt tears begin to well up in his eyes.

Sparks had always seemed like such a happy and positive child. Geno had never noticed the signs and he felt so angry at himself for failing to do so. He had gone through such a similar thing himself when he was just a child, it should have been so obvious! Doing what he could to hide his pain from his brothers and mother, despite the fact they all knew. Trying to stay positive and happy, trying to not make everyone worry, and the intense guilt he would feel whenever they worried over him and how badly he wanted to just see them all happy.

Trying to reassure them he would be alright.

Not wanting them to know he was dying.

Geno clenched his eyes shut. How had he missed this…?

“S-Sparks”

Sparks looked up at Geno and he gasped slightly, “Gigi? W-why are you sad? Are you crying? Don’t cry p-please! D-don’t be sad! I don’t w-want you to be sad!” Tears had started welling up in the child’s eyes as well, and Geno decided enough was enough.

Geno briskly rubbed his eyes before reaching over and very gently pulled the child into a hug. Sparks tensed slightly at the sudden embrace, but he didn’t resist nor try to pull away. He felt the shudders in the bigger skeletons chest as Geno breathed shakily, trying to hold it together. Sparks looked up slightly, but he couldn’t see Geno’s face.

“…Gigi?”

“I know.”

Sparks froze. “H-huh?”

Geno held the child a little closer, “It’s going to be alright Sparks. You’re... you’re not going to d- hgn. You’re not going to go to sleep. You’re g-going to be alright. Everything will be a-alright. I know your scared and I understand. But its ok to be scared. Just stay strong. Please… stay strong for your guardian kiddo… stay strong for me… ok?”

Sparks didn’t respond, and for a moment Geno almost internally panicked thinking he had said the wrong thing. After a short moment though, Sparks buried his face into Geno’s chest, and Geno felt a pair of small trembling arms wrap around his side.

“O..okay…” came the small muffled response.

---

By the time Bloo came back to the room after running a few quick errands and talking with the doctor about certain treatments, she found both Sparks and Geno lying on the hospital bed sound asleep. Geno was laid on his side with an arm around little Sparks who was curled next to him. She smiled and sighed tiredly before settling down in the chair, not wanting to disturb either of them. She pulled out a sketch pad and began some quiet sketching until they woke up.

[eternalsterekrecs]

sorrysorry but im full of feels!

hi! im sorry if this is not the place to do this but im nugu with tumblr and twitter limits characters and i would very much like to GUSH.

okay so, i found eternal sterek through a twitter account im following and it seemed like fate! i have been an avid fanfic reader for many years and had only recently found sterek (discontentedwinter my king) just last year. and when i found fics that i liked, i would open them in a new tab and read later- to the point were i had say, 8 windows all with 25 tabs each and id slowly make my way through… it was also only on my laptop and i couldnt read in public cause you know shes reading nsfw smut and that doesnt fly in my office…

i digress.

so i find fic rec lists but they are years old sometimes and then ive read half of them already and theres not much ‘rec’ so much as ‘word count and rating’. so i find your tumblr (bless sterekfeels) and i am THREW. its organised, its updated and i havent read half of the listings /is shook there are also comments sometimes with personal anecdotes and im even more shook because of the detail and obvious hardwork. so a few months ago i opened up the a-m and ive been steadily working my through it, and today, today i finished it *cries* i work full-time, i travel overseas alot, i took about a 4weeks worth of holidays, maintain some semblance of a social life - but i FINISHED THE FREAKING LIST. i know next month it will have more fics added and there is still m-z to go, but im so happy and pleased i have to gush. i enjoy reading as an escape and sterek couple is just so beautiful. so the real point here is to say thankyou! to everyone who adds to these recs seriously, thankyou for all your hardwork compiling and reading. from the bottom of my sinful heart i really appreciate it. thank you for helping me find alot of hidden gems and explore au’s i would not have read because of how its tagged. i still think of myself new to this fandom and my timing is hilarious with the show ending (tbh, i only watched to put a face to these characters who id fallen for so im not exactly crying its over lmao) but everyone is so lovely and there are SO MANY amazing authors writing for sterek im so movedd.

so yea, thank you so much everyone for your hard work and bringing these wonderful stories into my life!! i will work hard on the M-Z and come back to you when ive read it all hehe until then <3 (ps lowkey sorry for sending this as an ask, i just really wanted to let that out <3)

SENT BY: raisinbts

Dear Raisin! I must say that we were all so happy and amazed reading your message! I think I won’t lie saying this is the best, most enthusiastic and the longest message we ever got! We are especially happy about it since, let’s be honest, some of the best Sterek days are over now. Of course Sterek is eternal, new people are still coming and we really believe Sterek will have place in our hearts forever, but not as many fics are being written these days and, for example, I (- K) have kinda fallen out of the fandom and I don’t read much Sterek now (I still have some crazy nights when I stay up till 3 am and just read) so seeing that people are so enthusiastic about Sterek and our recs? It gives us life, seriously! Thank you for saying all these nice things, you are simply too kind! And we are delighted that you liked our notes and personal comments. These kinds of recs with personal comments are the only recs I like because I love to know what the reader felt during a particular fic. Also, you know this feeling when you finish reading a fantastic fic and you just need to tell the world how amazing it was? – what’s better than to do it by writing a rec and make sure people will read it? We are also always happy and eager to discuss fics so if you have lots of feels and don’t know what to do about it, we are here for all of you :D Anyway, THANK YOU once again, have lots of fun reading the second part of the list and come back for more because we are not giving up the recs yet! - K and the Eternal Sterek Recs Team

[tripile]

A Winter CSF Leak Update

I’ve received many very similar emails and DMs during the last few days.

“Jodi…?” the messages start out. “I don’t want to bother you but it has been a long time since you posted, and I’m really starting to worry.”

“Jodi: blink twice if you’re ok?”

“Jodi, here is a llama walking into an optometrist’s office in France. I thought of you! Also, ARE YOU OK?”

In a world of easy access to people’s inboxes, readers have only been a pleasure, a virtual cloud of warmth and never a burden. And when so many of you ping at once, I know I am due for an update. In this slow bedrest state, life feels like a woozy Groundhog Day. I love the filaments that connect me to so many of you, reminding me not to lose track of time entirely. I am so humbled by your care.

***

When I was a kid, my mother said my first word was a word. Instead of continuing along those lines, apparently the next thing I started said was a sentence, “see car go by.”

“And then,” my family jokes, “she never stopped talking!”

Being at a loss for words is not a problem I normally have. But yes, I have been very lax at updating because it’s been hard to find words for what I’m feeling.

A Leaky Anniversary

January 26 was the one year anniversary of the patch that sealed me last year. I had a really rough and heart-wrenching time reckoning with where I am on this anniversary. Instead of scaffolding off the slow and arduous recovery that followed the anaphylaxis and procedure, I am in bed.

Again.

For many months.

If you’re just tuning in, the CSF leak that sealed up and was healing reopened because I sat on the ground. Gingerly. Not even enthusiastically. I went from 4-5km walks a day, to no walking in record time.

At first, I was in extreme denial that something so small, so inhibited could blow out the scar tissue that had months to form. But one by one, each symptom I had in 2017 came back. I keep detailed daily logs of every symptom, supplement or mediation, and food. I couldn’t deny what I was experiencing.

Then, the grief. The anger. The deep sadness, the kind that suffocates all hope.

We learn about the “stages of grief” in popular culture, but what happens when they just cycle over and over? When you think you’ve come out the other side and can breathe again, when you tilt your face up at a brighter-than-you-remembered sun, only to find that you’re back in the dark?

***

My body, when I releaked, was in far better shape than the initial leak in 2017. Labs last summer showed improvements and lower inflammatory markers. I tried to stay positive. My friends and family came to visit. My inbox overflowed with llama photos.

As fall turned to winter, I saw some wonderful improvements. I stopped having the “brain sag” of my brain smushing into my spine due to low pressure. I moved into “high pressure” again, which is usually a symptom of the leak starting to seal over — the extra CSF produced while leaking backs up against the hole now tentatively closed. I started on the meds to lower intracranial pressure to prevent the fragile seal from bursting due to pressure. I felt cautiously optimistic.

And then a few weeks later in mid-December, I had an awful nightmare in my sleep. I remember it perfectly. And I also remember what woke me up: the excruciating pain in my back.

After an epidural blood patch to seal a CSF leak, the discharge instructions note that there’s to be no bending, lifting, or twisting for many weeks, but also that coughing or sneezing can blow out the patch due to intrathecal pressure. Many fellow leakers have blown out their patches — a clot or glue covering the leak temporarily while your own body can heal with scar tissue underneath — from constipation (pushing), sneezing, coughing, laughing.

Suspend your humanness while you can, the unsaid instructions whisper. Don’t do anything that can compromise this seal.

In my case, this nightmare I had blew out the seal and I was back to square one.

The Roller-Coaster of Ups and Downs

It is difficult for me to express the crazy-making nature of this condition.

No imaging sensitive enough to show a leak in many cases, including where it is located in the spine. Many people are chronically misdiagnosed because their imaging is normal. Normal imaging, the leak experts have learned, does not exclude a leak.

So the best way to know if you are leaking is via your symptoms, which only exacerbates your anxiety about what may or may not be happening in your body. It is a very tough, very exhausting dance to undertake. I have struggled the most with this balance of attempting to stay in touch with my body while also uncurling my clenched hands from the eventual outcome. Science tells us that focusing ad nauseum on our pain can magnify it in our minds, hence the usefulness of mindfulness and other meditation.

When your condition requires a focus on pain, and you also know you need to stay equanimous to heal effectively? That is a total mindfuck.

***

In mid-December, a close family member took a turn for the very worse. The funeral was around Christmas. I was too unwell to attend. Combined with the Re-Re-leak, I spiralled pretty solidly into a very bleak place.

If I’ve learned anything in this madness, it’s that staying in the black hole of despair is not how you heal. With the crutches of visits and calls from close friends, someone to talk with who specializes in grief, and the tools I’ve drawn on at the worst of times, I was able to wrench myself to a better place.

But still, I am not sealed and healed.

***

I put off Duke when I re-leaked because of what happened during the last round of patching. There is a lesson about anxiety in that procedure too: in my most creative of nightmares, I never imagined anaphylaxis as part of what could go wrong.

But it did, and while they will not use fibrin glue again (suspecting that was the cause for anaphylaxis), I’ve written about how my body seems to be stuck in that very reactive, anaphylax-y place. My mast cells degranulated all over the place and LOVED it. They seem to enjoy doing so again and again since, not only to foods but also smells – and even hot showers.

Given how pear-shaped things went last time, I wanted to give my body a long chance to seal before committing to another procedure. When I did seemingly seal up in November, I was so thrilled. It didn’t (and doesn’t) matter to me if it takes a long time, though my parents have the patience of saints. If slow and steady was the way, I was ok with that as long as I sealed up.

I will be honest: my turbulent December and January have tested the limits of my capacity for grace and patience and hope. I have been on bedrest for quite a few months. While I’m not bored, the pain levels are pretty unconscionable and keeping my spirit up has been a mighty challenge.

From my own calculus: if I do need to go back to Duke, I want to know I gave my body a full shot.

That way, if – IF – things go awry again during a procedure, I won’t be able to look back and say, “should have given it a bit more time.”

***

So where are we now? It’s February, and almost at my favourite holiday in the world: Vietnamese lunar new year or Tet. An amazing reader named Wendy just sent me a pic of lamp in my name from her family’s temple in Malaysia, a New Year wish of health and prosperity. Lunar new year was a time for reflection and cleaning and cleansing for my years in Asia, and I’ve kept that spirit during my return to Mexico and Canada. New Year starts in a few days, and with it I hope a better climate for healing.

I have seen such progress since the re-leak, progress I didn’t see when first in bed in 2017. I keep flipping into high pressure as it starts to seal, then unsealing. It may be that I need intervention after all, but I still have hope that the JodiDura-that-could comes through this winter. I’m eating a strict and healthy diet, meditating, visualizing, consistently working to bring my mind into a better space.

If I can’t seal during the winter, it certainly won’t be because I didn’t try.

Learning to be the Tortoise

There once was a speedy hare who bragged about how fast he could run. Tired of hearing him boast, Slow and Steady, the tortoise, challenged him to a race. All the animals in the forest gathered to watch. Hare ran down the road for a while and then and paused to rest. He looked back at Slow and Steady and cried out, “How do you expect to win this race when you are walking along at your slow, slow pace?” Hare stretched himself out alongside the road and fell asleep, thinking, “There is plenty of time to relax.” Slow and Steady walked and walked. He never, ever stopped until he came to the finish line. The animals who were watching cheered so loudly for Tortoise, they woke up Hare. Hare stretched and yawned and began to run again, but it was too late. Tortoise was over the line. After that, Hare always reminded himself, “Don’t brag about your lightning pace, for Slow and Steady won the race!”

The moral lesson of the Aesop’s “Tortoise and the Hare” fable is that sometimes you can be more successful by doing things slowly and steadily than by rash action. The race (of life) isn’t necessarily won by the fastest or strongest animal, but by those who persist in the face of obstacles – including the obstacle of time.

I undertook my life in the stubborn spirit of the hare.

I went to law school straight from grade 13 (CEGEP, in Quebec) because someone bet me I couldn’t get in. I took a job in NYC because on my first day of law school, someone said, “you don’t deserve to be here. Go back to high school where you belong. And don’t bother getting a job in New York City – you’ll never succeed.” When I quit my law job, it wasn’t for a two month trip, it was for an open jaw adventure to Siberia that unfurled into a glorious and food-filled new career.

My identity for years was the lawyer who quit her job to eat soup. As I’ve laid in bed on and off since 2017, I’ve watched the travel industry and my fellow writers move on with their lives. Mine feels very stuck. I am very unused to not being able to solve problems by DOING, and it is a monumental shift in my mindset. Above and beyond the leak, my health will require a different way of approaching work.

Apparently it’s time to be the tortoise.

Tortoise pic from one of the first adventures in my round-the-world trip: the Galapagos Islands in Ecuador

I’m still feeling around the edges of what that means for me. Sealing and healing will require me to change a lot about how I approach work and achievement, because excessive doing is a surefire way to undo my progress. There’s a lot here I hope to write about in the future, about learning to get under your mind and into your heart.

About listening to your body before it’s too late.

About not necessarily taking every bet that comes your way as a life challenge.

For now, though, I don’t know what I will redefine life “as.” I trust that it will unfold in its own way. While mourning the life I had, I also feel curious about what comes next.

But first: this leak in my spine needs to be firmly sealed for me to get walking again.

***

Thank you all as always for the caring notes, the questions, and the overwhelming support and love. I am extraordinarily lucky to have such a robust army of cheerleaders around the world.

Many of you have dedicated your meditation practices to my health, and for that I am grateful. I do plan to restart the group meditations next week, on Sunday February 10th. If you are interested in joining, the first 7 weeks are here, and you can enjoy any of the meditations as the tracks are all on that post.

I have been meditating alone here, but with all that unfolded I couldn’t manage the group ones during the holidays. I appreciate how many emails I’ve received asking when they’ll restart, and I am so glad many of you find them helpful and a source of light.

I haven’t written publicly in a long time, but typing this post out with my thumbs felt very good. I missed it. And though I would still be writing if no one was reading, I’m glad to go through this very tough journey with a community like you to help make things better along the way.

Jodi

The post A Winter CSF Leak Update appeared first on Legal Nomads.

A Winter CSF Leak Update published first on https://oceandreamblog.tumblr.com/

[ateamymm]

The Effect of Oil Prices, Employment and Interest Rates on the Fort McMurray Housing Market

What Will Happen Next Year?

“What do you think the market is going to do in the next x months/years?”

It’s the most common question we get asked.

And we can’t answer it.

As REALTORS®, we shouldn’t predict the real estate market. We’re not economists and so it’s not our role, so the Real Estate Act doesn’t allow it.

What is our role? Well, we deliver unbiased statistics and interpret them, honestly inform buyers and sellers the value of the properties they are considering buying or selling, and we offer our representation & marketing services. Then, if they wish, we execute the transaction.

But what can we say when someone asks us about the future of the real estate market?

There are a few things, but today I’ll just cover one of them.

Hopefully, you will finish reading, a little more informed, and satisfied.

Confessions of a Failed Economist

I have a Masters in Economics for Development from the University of Oxford, but I really didn’t understand economics until the last few years.

I was taught that economics is the study of decision-making; that it’s rooted in human psychology, and that firms & households make decisions based on prices (e.g. wages & rents), which determine aggregate supply & demand for products and services in the marketplace.

Like a lot of people at school, I learned plenty in class, but I didn’t really know what that all meant.

What’s worse, not knowing that I would become a REALTOR®, I didn’t choose Real Estate Economics modules at either college (isn’t hindsight 20/20?).

Finding Answers

It was about 3 years ago, in November 2014, that I first googled “how oil prices affect real estate prices”. OPEC had just made their decision to respond to the US shale boom by opening up the spigots. Oil prices were heading south. And fast.

[caption id="attachment_27700" align="aligncenter" width="601"] The 2014 oil price crash did a number on the housing market in Fort McMurray. (Credit:Kunstler)[/caption]

I wanted to get a sense of what we were in for.

I happened upon the 2005 master’s thesis of a Massachusetts Institute of Technology (MIT) student named Mercedes Padilla entitled:

“The Effects of Oil Prices and Other Economic Indicators on House Prices in Calgary, Canada.” (MIT Library link)

Now, that paper wasn’t published in a journal, and as a result was not peer-reviewed, but the work of the supervising professor is, and enthusiastic readers can read through Professor Wheaton’s list of highly relevant, published work here.

What Was The Point of The Study?

The study attempted to figure out what determines house prices in markets that are dominated by oil. Namely:

-What are the main factors? -Which factors are the most important? -How long does it typically take for changes in the resource price, or other determinants to impact the real estate market?

This was perfect.

This could really help our messaging. If we had a sense of the answers to these questions, next time our clients ask us about prices (typically potential seller clients), we could refer them to this paper so they could draw their own conclusions.

And The Results?

The results of the study need to be taken with a big grain of salt for at least five reasons[note]a) Not peer-reviewed b) Written by a student, not an actual economist c) Calgary (not Fort McMurray) was studied d) 2005 was a long time ago e) Study of a rising, not falling market..[/note], but here are the main results:

A small list of 4 factors explained 98% of the variation in single-family home prices over time.

Those factors were i) employment, ii) the exchange rate, iii) the real interest rate, iv) the oil price.

Oil prices impact prices directly (through a wealth effect) as well as indirectly through employment.

A cheap loonie impacts prices directly (through foreign buyers) and indirectly through employment because oil companies become more profitable ceteris paribus.

Low interest rates impact house prices directly (cheaper payments) and indirectly through employment because businesses become more profitable ceteris paribus.

All other factors being equal for every $2-a-barrel change in oil prices housing prices were affected by 1%. Regarding lags: i) it was the immediate level of employment that impacted home prices ii) the exchange rate impacted home prices 1 year later, iii) interest rate changes impacted home prices over the following two years, iv) the full effect of oil price changes wasn’t felt until 1 year and 9 months after the oil price change.

Is it Worth Taking Seriously?

Well, that’s entirely up to you!

What I will say, is that in hindsight, in Fort McMurray, we have seen oil prices change by about $50 and three years later, benchmark home prices for single family homes have changed by about 20-25%. The interest rate, exchange rate, and employment have also changed, which complicated things (so, of course, does the wildfire), but generally speaking, we have seen the predictions of the academic paper play out.

What Have I Learned?

Old-school economics teaches us that families, when given “perfect” information will make correct decisions that maximize their happiness. Of course, that’s an idealistic view of the world, because making good decisions is really hard (see last week’s blog about reference points).

The business of real estate is done at the kitchen table, and it can be an intense place when decisions are made. Watching those decisions almost as a fly-on-the-wall, has been a bit difficult, but I’ve learned a few things:

People really do systematically make better decisions if presenting with good quality information that they can trust. Our job is to provide that information.

There are important ratios (for example the absorption rate[note]For any part of the market, we can divide the current stock of inventory by the monthly rate of sales. This gives us the “months of inventory” or absorption rate. If this number is greater than 5-6 months, we are in a buyer’s market, and prices tend to not be supported, assuming the economic fundamentals don’t change. By and large, for the last 36 months, this has been the case, and that is what has played out.[/note]), which determine the current state of the market. These can help guide potential buyers and sellers when fine-tuning the timing of their moves.

It’s not possible to predict the future.

Oil prices and credit availability are enormous exogenous forces which clearly determine the price of Fort McMurray real estate.

By extension, people interested in the value of Fort McMurray real estate do well to stay informed about the oil market and federal government/central bank policies (follow us on Twitter for relevant articles).

The value of your primary residence is going to vary greatly over time, and that’s normal in a resource town. Generally, people time the purchases and sales of these homes with the needs of their lifestyles, and that’s a good thing. However, especially those people with shorter timelines, and with higher risk-aversity, do well to arm themselves with quality information prior to making any big decisions.

The Future of Fort McMurray Real Estate

(We don’t predict the future, but here are some things to watch for in 2018)

The rebuild looks sure to continue: Congrats to everyone moving back home! :)

The oil glut may or not disappear during 2018:

How Saudi Arabia plans to end the oil glut

The world’s top oil exporter Saudi Arabia is determined to reduce inventories further through an OPEC-led deal to cut crude output and raised the prospect of prolonged restraint once the pact ends to prevent a build up in excess supplies.

Saudi Energy Minister Khalid al-Falih, speaking during an investment conference in Riyadh, said on Tuesday the focus remained on reducing the level of oil stocks in OECD industrialized countries to their five-year average.

The Organization of the Petroleum Exporting Countries, plus Russia and nine other producers, have cut oil output by about 1.8 million barrels per day (bpd) since January. The pact runs to March 2018, but they are considering extending it. Via business.financialpost.com

Speaking of the oil market, here are some possibly relevant reading topics:

-US shale -Provincial election (2019) -The electric vehicle (EV) revolution -Completion of Keystone XL -Other pipelines

In relation to credit, we will be closely watching interest rates and their impact, as well as the impact of the new mortgage rules which come into effect January 1st, 2018.

In addition, we will be observing fly-in-fly-out as well as automation, Bill 21 and local issues. Some of these might be influenceable by the new Mayor and Council (or not).

It is well known that many changes to the credit, oil, and housing markets are often cyclical, but there might be longer-term elements, too. When confidence returns to our local housing market (all markets balance!) there may be a bump in demand. But are you expecting a rapid “v-shaped” recovery or more of a “new normal” Fort McMurray house price?

If you want to know what signs of recovery might look like, click here for an in-depth look.

If you find this post useful, please feel free to share it with your friends. Comments are welcome in the space below. Thank you for reading!

The following article The Effect of Oil Prices, Employment and Interest Rates on the Fort McMurray Housing Market is republished from www.ateamymm.ca

[aqutalion]

Day Job Implosion, part 4: In which everything old is new again and both RockeTech and Missiles-R-Us continue to be awful

This really isn't an implosion... yet. Or maybe it's a series of several small implosions. But the latest job search incarnation just seemed to bring together all the weirdness this industry has to offer. I probably mentioned earlier about how "cross-pollinated" (or "incestuous", as I prefer to call it) the defense industry in Aquville is. I don't know if it's endemic to the industry, or just a result of being in a smallish city dominated by a single monolithic industry.

At first glance, it looked like there were piles and piles of open jobs. But after digging a little deeper and talking with more people, most of them turned out to be for maybe 3 or 4 projects. One of the things large companies here like to do, in addition to using multiple recruiters for a single position (ARGH!), is subcontract out to smaller ones. This results in several companies looking for the same thing. Sometimes this can be a good thing, like on Labyrinth, where one sub turned me down and another hired me the next week. Other times, you end up wasting your time unknowingly applying for things you've already been submitted for.

And what were these big projects? One was none other than Labyrinth. Apparently, they've somehow managed to resurrect it. I have no idea how. This was probably the most frustrating one. I guess they'd run off all their subs from before (Mom-n-Pop certainly wasn't touching it), as they'd brought on a slew of new ones. At least half a dozen contacted me. The first one went ahead and submitted my resume, only to have it turned down because I'd "been on the project before". As for the others, it was frustrating getting my hopes up, only to find out it was just another Labyrinth sub.

I just realized I haven’t written about Labyrinth or Mom-n-Pop, yet. I’ll be writing about them, soon, once I finish up the stories from Wasteland and Stonehenge.

I bumped into a former coworker from Labyrinth at a job fair. He wouldn't touch it, either. Speaking of that job fair, it had the exact same companies as the one six months before. The exact same. Two were Missiles-R-Us and NotRockets. NotRockets always seems to be hiring, and it makes no sense to me. I went to a larger job fair a few months after they laid me off, and there they were, looking for more people. Another project came to light at that job fair. It was a "software engineer" job at a NASA contractor. That one, I have to admit, gave me a bit of a pang. I'd moved to AquVille because of the NASA facility, and this just reminded me that I'd be giving up that possibility if I left as planned. Yes, I know working for a NASA contractor would have all the same bullshit I've dealt with on the missile projects- Implosion Part 3 proved that- but… still… ya know? Looking at the job description, it was apparent that I had little chance of getting the position, anyway, as there was only a little overlap between my skillset and the set they wanted, and the duties described didn't really match what I'd been doing. I applied, anyway, as did three or four recruiters from the project's various subcontractors. One of them actually got me an interview, and there I found that the overlap was even smaller than I thought, and it was more of a dev-ops position than a developer one, hence the quotes. So no chance at all. The third project was with Missiles-R-Us. And yes, it's the same project that laid me off the first time (Defense contractors have no qualms about letting you go when the budget tanks, but will gladly hire you back if the budget returns). SpiffTek sent me on an interview there, soon after leaving Sideline, but that wasn't the only position I applied to. In one case, the recruiter handling the position was none other than my former "dedicated placement rep" from before. Perhaps they've had another mass exodus. The "research lab" position mentioned in Fun With Recruiters part 2 is still looking for people willing to relocate to their city. They've gone through several recruiters and staffing firms, and I think every one of them has called me. Seriously, guys- REMOTE! Consider it! With the salary you're offering and the job market where you are, you'll have to! A recruiter submitted my resume to what I later found out was Wasteland. According to him, they said I didn't have the right skillset for it, but apparently made a point of saying they'd be open to having me apply again in the future. That's a but surprising, as Wasteland and I didn't part on good terms. Wasteland HR must have forgotten me. But eventually, AwesomeTech (see Fun with Recruiters, part 1) came back out of the woodwork, with a project with a company I'll call Vector-Sigma. It was still defense, but it wasn't missiles, and that's at least a little improvement. I interviewed. They offered me the job. It was a short-term thing and not a great fit for my skillset, but I took it. I hadn't recognized the name, and thought I'd maybe found the one defense contractor in Aquville that I'd never interviewed with, before. However I later found out that I had, in fact, worked for them. Before a series of buyouts and mergers, Vector-Sigma was Qubefarm, where I'd had a short-lived stopgap position (through SpiffTek), just before joining Labyrinth. This, too, was a short stopgap, but it was better than nothing. And who turns out to be the prime contractor for this project? RockeTech! I can't get away from these guys! My first day on the job, someone recognizes me from Wasteland. Qubefarm had occupied a pair of identical office buildings next to each other. Vector-Sigma still has one (the second floor of it, anyway, leaving the first floor empty and very creepy). The other former Qubefarm building, the one I used to work in, is now occupied by Wasteland. A week into this job, a recruiter from MinComp (also from Fun With Recruiters, part 1) contacted me. Still looking for people, still expecting them to relocate. Two and a half weeks in, Missile-R-Us calls for an interview, for something I thought they'd already rejected me for a couple of months ago. Yes, months. As we've already found out, large defense contractors move only slightly faster than glaciers. I have no idea how they manage to hire anyone, moving that slowly. By way of comparison, I interviewed with a non-defense company, at least as large as Missile-R-Us, between Implosion Chapter 3 and now. They had an answer for me two weeks after my interview- and the recruiter apologized for taking that long. 

Three months later, the VectorSigma gig ended. Labyrinth, Missiles-R-Us and RockeTech were still hiring. RockeTech (again) brings me in for an interview for… wait for it… Monolith! Fucking MONOLITH! I was sort of hoping to get this, even though I knew the chances were slim (My skillset had evolved, since then, while their requirements have stayed exactly the same). It would be like bookends. Monolith was what brought me to AquVille, and it would finance my escape. 

A newcomer (sort of) brought a ray of hope. About a month after the events in Fun With Recruiters #1, MinComp had been acquired by a larger company, Snorlax. Snorlax had a facility in AquVille, built probably around the same time. The position wasn't at that facility, but on the base. Yes, at the same super-secret-classified facility I'd had to go to for Stonehenge. The recruiter assures me that they can move quickly, unless other defense contractors. 

But they're only the subcontractor on this project. Who is the prime? Take a guess. Go ahead. Guess. 

Surprise! It's RockeTech! Seriously, RockeTech, either stop following me or just goddamn hire me, already. (Actually, don't. Your health insurance sucks and I have literally never had a positive interaction with you.) 

Or not. Snorlax pulled a bit of a bait-and-switch. Between the first and second interviews, they changed their minds about the position. What had been a development position was now a IV&V position, "temporarily". Their definition of "temporary" was a year. Since I was still planning to leave as soon as I finished my dissertation (at the time, about six more months), that was basically permanent. But the money was significantly higher than I expected, so I figured I could put up with it. They made an "unofficial" offer, but they wanted me to talk to the prime, first. RocketTech? No, he's from Missiles-R-Us! The hell? I have no idea. 

It goes well, and their local person says they'll contact me "soon". And then... nothing. I contact my recruiter for an update, and he says he'll call me back. He doesn't. Nor does he answer his phone. 

I take the hint and start looking elsewhere. It's been nearly a month since I started the process with Snorlax (hence the name), and I'm tired of waiting. As coincidence would have it, Missiles-R-Us was having a hiring event, so I went. Other recruiters call, and I set up another interview. RockeTech calls again, in another case of the right hand not seeing what the left is doing. The recruiter sounds enthusiastic, but I never hear from her again. 

The next week, the Snorlax recruiter emails me back, saying he'll call me that morning. He doesn't. I fantasize about getting an offer from Missiles-R-Us and taking it just to spite them. The "unofficial" offer is two weeks old, at this point, well past stale. I guess they have a different definition of "quickly" than the rest of us. 

A couple of days later, he finally gets back to me. They're still waiting on word from RockeTech, apparently still the prime. Ugh. Fuck you, RockeTech. Fuck you.   

Three weeks in, he calls and says RockeTech wants another interview. Sigh. I get my hopes up, even though I shouldn't have.   

Another three weeks pass. The recruiter is apparently getting as annoyed with this as me. He says he's checking for updates daily, but RockeTech is ghosting him- not just about me, but several others. Is this true? Don't know and at this point, don't care. I give up on them. 

So, is RockeTech just stupidly inefficient, or is there something else going on? My money's on both. 

Interestingly, my mother dealt with a company with he same name as RockeTech when she worked for a research lab. This was 20 years ago and in a completely different industry, but the name is uncommon enough that I suspect it's the same company, or at least a subsidiary. They were stupidly inefficient when she dealt with them, too. "Laziness and managerial incompetence", she called it. 

And there's another possible explanation. The contract structure for this project was especially weird- When I first interviewed, RockeTech was the prime and Snorlax a sub, but that was supposedly to flip. In a few months, Snorlax would become the prime and RockeTech a sub. No, I don't know why. Contracting is just weird, that's all. But anyway, it was suggested to me that they were stalling because they were miffed about this situation and decided to be assholes. If that's true, they can go fuck themselves with a THAAD missile sideways. 

But now it's Missiles-R-Us's turn to be awful. A week or two after I gave up on Snorlax, multiple recruiters start calling. Another huge project has just dropped, apparently rivaling Monolith and Stonehenge in size, and like its predecessors, every decent-size contractor has a piece. I'll call it Menhir, since I'm pretty sure it's an offshoot of Monolith. And in true defense contractor fashion, they've all hired a dozen or so staffing firms and have another dozen or so subcontractors (some of which hired their own staffing firms). 

This brings up something I need to address. When trying to gauge the quality of a city's job market, do not rely on the quantity of job listings! Lots of job listings does not necessarily equal lots of actual jobs! Companies hire multiple recruiters to work on the same position (STOP DOING THIS!). In the world of contracting, things are further complicated by non-compete agreements and such. In the case of Menhir, the various companies involved have agreements that they can't poach each other's staff. That means if one gets an offer from one company, no other company is allowed to even consider them unless they completely back out of the first. So, no real chance for potential employees to shop around. 

The first company that finally bit was some El-Cheapo contractor I've never heard of, working for Missiles-R-Us. They make an offer, not a great one but not terrible, and I accept. But there's a problem- they can't give me a start date, yet. 

The hell? They give me some excuse that it's the defense industry and there's paperwork. There's something to that, but every other company I've worked for- even Missiles-R-Us- gave me a start date with the initial offer. Granted, in Missiles-R-Us's case, the date was a month later, but it was still a firm date. This is NOT normal, despite the BS they keep trying to feed me. 

But whatever. I get the paperwork done and turned in and wait and wait and wait. Every time I ask what's going on, it's 'Oh, we're still waiting for word from Missiles-R-Us'. Two and a half weeks go by, and I finally hear from M-R-U, wanting some more paperwork. No word on the start date, though. They're trying to get in contact with El-Cheapo, supposedly. 

It's now been three weeks, and I'm finally done waiting. No, I don't have a start date, yet, and both El-Cheapo and Missiles-R-Us are still claiming paperwork delays on the part of the other. But I'm done, and I let them know this. I'm taking the first firm start date I get, be it from them, Snorlax, or someone else. And yes, I am looking again. This gets their attention and all of a sudden management is burning up my phone to "discuss". The only thing I'm interested in "discussing" is when I start work, though, and neither El-Cheapo nor M-R-U has an answer. 

Only three months left, until I defend my dissertation and can finally get the fuck out of this city and away from this shithole industry. Only three months.

[tattoosandporcelain-blog]

Coree Marx "Tree hugger."

Roman Kruger "I prefer the term 'tree enthusiast,’” he chuckles.

Coree Marx "Yeah... I'm still calling you a tree hugger. You are officially the tree hugger. Like the only one. You cool with that, right?"

Roman Kruger "Eh" he shrugs chuckling “I’ll take it, but my name is actually Roman,” he says with a wink.

Coree Marx "Nice to meet you, Roman the tree hugger. I'm Coree." Offers her hand in a formal gesture.

Roman Kruger Accepts her handshake "Pleasure to meet you Coree"

Coree Marx Withdraws her hand a moment later. "So aside from being a serial tree hugger... what else do you do?"

Roman Kruger "Im a consultant with the FBI" he smiles "And you Miss Coree?"

Coree Marx "Ahh," she offered, a nod of her head. "I'm in the music business, I suppose you could say." She shrugs, as she wouldn't consider herself truly /in/ the business quite yet, but definitely working towards it. "I've written a few songs here and there and I'm working on recording my first album," she ultimately confessed.

Roman Kruger "Wow, thats way more impressive than an FBI consultant" he says with total seriousness "i could lie and give myself a badass backstory, but alas i have amnesia" he shrugs feigning dramatic

Coree Marx "No way," she argued, shaking her head. "Putting a few words together while strumming a guitar has nothing on what you're doing," she added, having a firm grip on what was important in the world. Pauses. "Do you really have amnesia?"

Roman Kruger "Yep, my psychopathic adoptive mother drugged me with ZIP, she did it to my sister Jane 2 years ago, and now me." He says with a shrug, the memories come few and far between. The few he remembers are awful from his childhood in the orphanage. "I remember a few things from my past. My sister is my main starting point."

Coree Marx Thinking he had only been joking, she couldn't imagine, although she didn't doubt his story either. "Shit," she whispered, trying to find something more than that to say, but finding herself lacking in the word department. "I don't even know what to say," she confessed, finding herself to be as awkward as she normally did, though in this case she wished it weren't so. "How far back can you remember?"

Roman Kruger He scratches his beard "well, consistently only a few months back" he shoves his fists in his pockets "a few memories of me and my sister where we sorta grew up" he scoffs at the aspect of growing up in the orphanage "we grew up in an ophanage in Pretoria, Africa"

Coree Marx Eyeing the man as he spoke of what he could remember, she drew a slow breath, feeling the weight of every word he said, committing it to memory as she'd never want to make a conversational mistake with him considering. "This might sound completely naive of me, but how do you do your job if you don't remember beyond a few months back?"

Roman Kruger "Thats a fair question" he says shifting his wait from one foot to the other "well, i still have the abilities i had before, foreign laguage knowledge, marital art skills, stuff like that i still have i just have to remember i know it" he chuckles. The questions dont bother him any. Nothing really bothers him anymore other than his scar. " i mainly follow Assistant Director Wellers lead, or Agents Zapata, Reade, or Pattersons directions, and my sister of course." He smiles genuinely at her. "But, youre questions arent naive, they're cair questions"

Coree Marx Listening to what the man had to say, she was definitely in awe of his resolve to not give up as she couldn't imagine losing everything she knew the way he had and then having to remember that she knew it to begin with. She shook her head softly as he was giving her too much credit. "I just know there's a lot in the world I don't know, so I ask. It's probably more a lack of world exposure than it is true care, if I'm honest," she confessed, not struggling to be truthful in the slightest as she was that to the very core. "So was tree hugging something you've always done?"

Roman Kruger "Im not entirely sure, to be honest" he states with a chuckle "its honestly more for my sister, she loves the holidays from what little i can remember, so i figured shed enjoy this to decorate" he smiles, he didnt mind the holidays much, he doesnt remember much about them let alone if he ever celebrated them. "So what made yoh decide to be a singer/songwriter?"

Coree Marx "I think you definitely were," she decided conclusively, thinking it made for a good story if nothing else. Hearing him ask about her, she shrugged her shoulders. "I don't think I ever really chose song writing. It kinda chose me? Been at it since I was a kid, really. As for singing... that's another story all in itself. I can do it just fine in the studio, but put me up in front of a crowd and I freeze. Not quite sure this is gonna pan out, so we'll see. Might just need to stick to what I'm good at."

Roman Kruger He nodded processing what he was just told. "Well, i suppose the aspect of crowds could be simple. If youre able to walk up and make conversation with a total stranger..." he begins and points to himself "then you singing to a crowd if kinda the same on a larger scale, just walking up to a whole bunch of strangers and talking, well singing.." he corrects himself "but im not sure, ive never tried so i wouldnt know" he said with finality to his explanation

Coree Marx Hearing him out as he did have a point and she had approached the tree hugger randomly, she nodded her head. "But I didn't walk up to you exposing something of myself. I didn't put something out and say 'here, I hope you like it'. I didn't show you myself without any guard up at all," she reminded him as her written words were so much deeper than anything she could ever say in casual conversation. "Although I will confess, my producer encourages my random interactions with people for the exact reason you just stated, so you're probably not too far off."

Roman Kruger He smoothes his beard out "well you kind of did expose yourself a bit. Saying that you were a singer/songwriter and all" he shakes his head "but youre right, it isnt the same i guess" he says with a shrug. The farthest hed gone with singing was with his sister once at a kareoke bar. While from what he could remember he was told he was good, but he didnt believe it much "well, im sure you could rock it in a arena singing" he said with total honesty "start small i guess, kareoke bars and such"

Coree Marx "I do alright on open mic nights in bars. It's intimate and there's not that many people. The lighting sucks and I can't actually see anyone and everyone stays so quiet. It's those bigger venues that terrify me. All in good time, maybe. The boyfriend says I need blinders like what a horse wears, but we haven't quite found a way to do that yet," she confessed with a soft laugh.

Roman Kruger "Ive been told the spotlights on a stage kind of blind you from seeing the crowd." He says with a shrug "well id love to hear you sing sometime, ive only sang to a room of drunk bikers." He said with a laugh and wag of the eyebrow. He was being totally honest but making himself a joke as well, like usual. "But, hey, they said i was pretty good" he said laughing at himself once more

Coree Marx "Well, I'd love to hear you sing sometime," she offered with a genuine smile to her features finding an even trade of singing to be something worth basing it all off of. "I'll let you hear me sometime. Promise. Next time I'm going to attempt something, I'll get you the information so you can come if you'd like. Just promise me if I freeze, you won't give me a hard time for it and instead, it will be met with vodka. Lots and lots of vodka."

Roman Kruger He smiles with a small chuckle "Well, that may take a couple drinks, i suppose im a hypocrite because i havent sung sober in front of other people." he shrugs "But i am definately looking forward to hearing you" he said with sincerity "I dont think youll freeze, but if you do ill cheer no matter what." he smiled "But im going to aformentioned biker bar tonight and its kareoke night again, so if youd like to join me id be honored" he says bowing dramatically but goofily

Coree Marx Hearing his invitation, she clenched her teeth together in what could only be described as a nervous smile as a biker bar was definitely not a place the blonde would normally be caught within. Hearing it was karaoke night though, her agent would kill her if she didn't take any and all opportunities to get in front of people and perform to her best ability as every little bit would help. "You know what, give me the address and I might just see you there," she suggested, knowing she'd want to run it by her boyfriend to see if he'd like to join, but thinking it might be a good idea for a different crowd in a different space just to see how it went.

Roman Kruger Noticing the clench of her jaw at the aspect of a biker bar "You don't have to come if you aren't comfortable with the atmosphere." he smiled reassuringly "But it isn't as crazy or dangerous as you may expect, yes they do all have guns, but its pretty fun" he scratches his beard "If you do decide to come the bar is called The Nest"

Coree Marx Nodding her head as it was out of her comfort zone, though most everything outside of her apartment was out of her comfort zone to be honest. "I will," she seemed to promise stating that she'd be there one way or another. Whether or not she'd actually sing that night would be another story entirely, but she'd at least give it a chance. "Would it be cool if my boyfriend comes along with me? I don't know if he'll be able to, to be honest. He's in college and it keeps him crazy swamped, but if he's down, would you like to meet him?"

Roman Kruger "Bring anyone you want Coree" he smiled "id love to meet him, my sister and team will be coming as well" he said nodding "i know if you feel uncomfortable so i wont be upset or anything if you change your mind on coming" he said with genuine sincerity. He didnt want to make her uncomfortable by inviting her somewhere unsafe in her mind. "It will be safe, due to the fact of a few FBI agents being there, including the Assistant Director."

Coree Marx She wasn't overly concerned with safety in reality, she was just a bit of a homebody and knew her boyfriend to be the same, though both did their best to overcome it at every opportunity. It was different for Barron than it was for her, but the cores would remain the same. "Count me in, Roman," she committed, not yet sure if Barron would come or if she'd wind up bringing another friend instead, but she'd at least promise to be there. "What time should I plan to be there?" she asked, revealing a bit more of herself to him as she always had a plan and was never late as he'd soon find out.

Roman Kruger "8 o'clock good for you?" He asked "My team and i will be there about then barring no case comes up." He smiles genuinely at her. "Im glad youre coming Coree." He enjoyed making new friends, it made him feel as normal as an amnesic can possibly feel

Coree Marx "8 o'clock it is," she stated, easily agreeing to the offered time as it would give her plenty of time to figure out exactly what she was doing and to see if Barron would like to join her or if she'd be dragging another friend along with her instead. "I'm really glad you invited me," she confessed as friendships were quite important to the young woman in a concrete jungle such as New York where everything felt so cold all too often and it was nice to meet someone willing to extend the arm of friendship without much reservation. "I'll see you then," she promised, giving up a nod of her head before she turned to go her own way, turning one last time first, flashing him a warm smile. "Tree hugger."

Roman Kruger He winked at her "see you then Cor,” he said as he turned the opposite way towards a small coffee shop “I’ll think of a nickname for you eventually,” he said over his shoulder

-March 10, 2017

[theo-ramsay]

theo

BASIC STATISTICS

FULL NAME: Mateo Olivier Ramsay NAME ORIGIN: Ask my mom, bruh...oh wait. NAME MEANING: “gift from God” NICKNAMES: Theo, it’s what I go by. Almost no one knows that it’s short for Mateo. NICKNAME ORIGINS: A neighbor, actually. I came home from the hospital and she couldn’t remember my name so she just kept calling me Theo. SEX: Male AGE: 24 BIRTHDAY: March 26th, 1990 PLACE OF BIRTH: Seattle, Washington ETHNICITY/NATIONALITY: Caucasian SEXUALITY: Bi, preference is men. RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Single and definitely mingling. POLITICAL ALLEGIANCE: Liberal CRIMINAL RECORD: I once was hauled in for vandalism when i was but a teenager. spent one night in jail then my mom came and got him

PHYSICAL APPEARANCE

HEIGHT: 6′0″ WEIGHT: 190 lbs EYE COLOR: Blue NEED GLASSES/CONTACTS? Yes HAIR COLOR: Blonde DISTINGUISHING FEATURES: Jaw SCARS: I has one on my back from falling on a skateboard and a couple on my arm from a hospital visit after a terrible terrible IV experience. TATTOOS: ‘my oh my’ written on his back in a mariners logo, I has a couple others I’ve designed for Barry and Alex.  WHO DOES S/HE TAKE AFTER?: I'd like to think my mom but I got my hair color and jawline from my dad. LEFT OR RIGHT-HANDED?: Right

EVERYDAY BEHAVIORS/HABITS

ADDICTIONS: Erm. Adrenaline maybe. MORNING ROUTINE: I wake up at 5, showers and primps for the day, goes into the shop to assist his baristas during peak, does the order and calls in any mechanical problems AFTERNOON: eats lunch, paperwork mostly and other behind-the-scenes things he has to do for the shop EVENING ROUTINE: gets the evening crew set up, goes home to Barry SLEEP HABITS: I cuddle anything within arm’s reach when I’m sleeping DOES THIS CHARACTER SNORE? surprisingly, no. ANY SPECIAL TALENTS OR SKILLS? I'm an artist over a few mediums but my favorite is definitely visual. painting, spray-paint, shit like that. WHAT IS S/HE PARTICULARLY UNSKILLED AT? Math HOBBIES: I fucking love baseball and i’ll pick up his guitar every now and again when i finds time

LIFE

CURRENT ADDRESS: Manhatten, New York DOES S/HE RENT OR OWN? Rent DOES S/HE LIVE WITH ANYONE? IF SO, WHO? Barry, Alex, Boo BRIEF DESCRIPTION OF HOME: Tiny and packed with everyone’s things, it’s a   jungle in there WHAT IS THEIR BEDROOM LIKE? I share one with Barry and the bed takes most of the room. DOES S/HE DRIVE? IF SO, WHAT CAR? i’ve never learned how to drive. SPOUSE/PARTNER: ....Barry CHILDREN: None. WHAT IS THIS CHARACTER’S RELATIONSHIP WITH HIS/HER CHILD(REN)? N/A PETS: does the toddler count? OCCUPATION: Owner of the Mudhouse which right now kind of feels like a glorified barista JOB SATISFACTION: It’s...very hard owning a small business right now. You gotta want it and god damn it, you gotta work around the clock for it. INCOME: Enough to get by. GENERAL HEALTH: I have diabetes but don’t worry ya’ll, I still have all my toes and shit, PAST HEALTH PROBLEMS, IF ANY: other than problems managing my diabetes when I was younger? not really much.

FAMILY OF ORIGIN

FATHER: Anthony Burke FATHER’S OCCUPATION: Lawyer? Accountant? I dunno man, he wears a suit I think? Whatever, go ask him. MOTHER: Cassidy Burke MOTHER’S OCCUPATION: She was an art teacher. DID THE CHARACTER’S PARENTS RAISE HIM/HER? IF NOT, WHY? My mom raised me. Why? Uh, because my dad’s a coward? ARE THE CHARACTER’S PARENTS STILL TOGETHER? IF NOT, WHY? No, because he’s a dick and she’s dead. DOES THE CHARACTER LIVE WITH HIS/HER PARENTS? No DOES THE CHARACTER HAVE SIBLINGS? No HOW HAS THIS CHARACTER’S RELATIONSHIP WITH THEIR SIBLINGS CHANGED SINCE CHILDHOOD? N/A DESCRIBE HIS/HER FAMILY LIFE AND DYNAMIC WHILE GROWING UP: I remember it being pretty fun but real tough sometimes when money got tight, my mom had me when she was 17 and essentially raised me alone but she never really let me know we were in any trouble when I was really young.  I spent a lot of it just kind of running around Seattle causing trouble with neighborhood kids. My dad sometimes would pop in and out if he was feeling guilty about leaving but surprise, he’d always leave again.

THE PAST

HOMETOWN: Seattle, WA DESCRIBE HIS/HER CHILDHOOD: I’d say it was pretty fun. EARLIEST MEMORY: I remember the opening for a news broadcast when I was toddler-age. HAPPIEST MEMORY: Not sure I have one. Not that my life is sad or anything but I think that the best is coming so I don’t wanna commit. SADDEST MEMORY: When my mom died, I would never wish that 48 hours on my worst enemy. MOST EMBARRASSING MEMORY: I bought the Mudhouse when I was off my face and I straight-up forgot for like, a week. MOST IMPORTANT EVENT IN THE CHARACTER’S LIFE THAT STILL AFFECTS HIM/HER AND WHY/HOW: Once I was on the plane to Florida after my mom’s funeral, I kinda knew that it was like, the start of a new life. It was a very hard 48 hours. my life in Seattle feels so far away now HOW MUCH SCHOOL DID S/HE ATTEND? DOES S/HE LIKE SCHOOL? I, um, got into NYU’s visual art program but I couldn’t afford it...never considered going back. WHAT IS THE WORST THING THIS CHARACTER HAS EVER DONE? I’d rather not say.

EMOTIONAL CHARACTERISTICS

MORAL ALIGNMENT: Chaotic Neutral FOUR TEMPERAMENTS: Choleric. SPONTANEOUS OR STRUCTURED? Spontaneous HOW HAS THIS CHARACTER MOST CHANGED FROM YOUTH? A little more focused when it’s time to be and he’s better about being honest about his emotions. HOW HAS THIS CHARACTER REMAINED THE SAME? Still incredibly impulsive and doesn’t always consider consequences. Still kinda reckless.

RELATIONSHIPS WITH OTHERS

WHO IS HIS/HER BEST FRIEND? Barry and Alex ANY SECRET ATTRACTIONS/CRUSHES: None FIRST CRUSH/ROMANTIC LOVE: Can’t remember CURRENT GIRLFRIEND/BOYFRIEND/SPOUSE: ....BARRY! PEOPLE S/HE DISLIKES: No one, really? I don’t know man, it’s hard holding a grudge. HAS S/HE LOST TOUCH WITH ANYONE SIGNIFICANT IN HIS/HER LIFE? IF SO, WHY? People move, people change. HOW MANY PEOPLE HAS S/HE DATED? DESCRIBE EACH RELATIONSHIP. Okay, FIRST OFF, we’re absolutely not doing this because I would literally be talking all fucking day. I’ve slept around a bit.

SEX/ROMANTIC LIFE

WHAT DO THEY CONSIDER TO BE A ROMANTIC DATE? Art gallery showing or a gig. Anytime I open up my art. HOW DOES A NORMAL DATE GO FOR THIS CHARACTER? Normally I just goes with someone to a bar and then fall into bed with them. Not really a dater. HOW WOULD THEY LIKE TO PROPOSE OR BE PROPOSED TO? I’d make a huge fucking deal out of it. I can be a little, as the kids say, dramatic. VIRGIN? hahahahahaha no. DESCRIBE HIS/HER SEX LIFE: Man, the man is non-stop. HOW OFTEN DOES THIS CHARACTER HAVE SEX? Once every couple of days at the absolute least. HOW LONG CAN S/HE GO WITHOUT SEX? Like a week. Or else I get cranky. HOW DOES THIS CHARACTER FEEL EMOTIONALLY AFTER SEX? Normally I try to slip out after sex but most of the time I’m just relaxed. DOES SEX PLAY AN IMPORTANT ROLE IN HIS/HER RELATIONSHIP? Not as much as I thought. TOP OR BOTTOM? Flexible. Most times I’m with dudes I like being a bottom. DOMINANT OR SUBMISSIVE? I find myself being more submissive lately. WHAT WAS HIS/HER FIRST SEXUAL EXPERIENCE? IS IT A POSITIVE OR NEGATIVE MEMORY? It was painfully average. HAVE THEY EVER IMPREGNATED SOMEONE, OR BEEN IMPREGNATED? Not that I...know of. HAVE THEY EVER HAD INTERCOURSE OR A SEXUAL EXPERIENCE WITH THE SEX IN WHICH THEY ARE NOT ATTRACTED? No.

MENTAL ATTITUDES/PERSONAL BELIEFS

MYERS BRIGGS PERSONALITY TYPE: ENFP ANY PSYCHOLOGICAL ISSUES?  ENNEAGRAM: #7 - The Enthusiast KNOWN LANGUAGES: English SELF-CONFIDENCE: I’m the hottest piece of ass in any room and I damn well know it. OPTIMIST OR PESSIMIST? Can be a little pessimistic...is there a word for kinda both? EXTROVERT OR INTROVERT? Extrovert. EMOTIONAL OR LOGICAL? Very emotional. PATIENT OR IMPATIENT? Impatient. COMPASSIONATE OR SELF-INVOLVED? Self-involved. WHAT DOES S/HE LIKE MOST ABOUT HIM/HERSELF? Confidence. WHAT DOES S/HE LIKE LEAST ABOUT HIM/HERSELF? Recklessness. WHOM DOES S/HE REALLY LOVE BEST? Barry and Alex. WHAT IS HIS/HER GREATEST FEAR? Becoming nothing. CHARACTER’S GREATEST STRENGTH: My confidence and ability to handle situations as they come. CHARACTER’S GREATEST FLAW/WEAKNESS: I’m so all-systems-go and charging forward that I don’t...consider consequences. My recklessness is my worst flaw. SEVEN VIRTUES: Diligence SEVEN SINS: Slut? BIGGEST VULNERABILITY (NONPHYSICAL): It’s very easy to get me to do things if you rile me up enough. BIGGEST REGRET: Ooh, maybe not going to college? BIGGEST ACCOMPLISHMENT: Getting accepted into NYU. WHAT IS/ARE THE CHARACTER’S BIGGEST, DARKEST SECRETS? (He sometimes has suicide ideation and it’s stronger than he’d like to admit) WHO ELSE KNOWS, IF ANYONE? No one. SHORT TERM GOALS: Pay rent. LONG TERM GOALS: Have the Mudhouse survive in the economy and become something to the neighborhood. WHAT EVENT OR OCCURRENCE DOES S/HE MOST DREAD OR FEAR? Losing everything on this stupid coffeehouse. WHAT DOES S/HE ACTIVELY WORK TO GAIN, KEEP, OR PROTECT? That stupid coffeehouse. WHAT IS THIS CHARACTER’S DREAM JOB? I always wanted to be like, a real artist. But this is a cool second. RELIGION: Agnostic DOES THE CHARACTER BELIEVE IN A GOD OR GODDESS? No IS RELIGION OR SPIRITUALITY AN IMPORTANT PART OF THIS CHARACTER’S LIFE? Nah SUPERSTITION: None CHINESE ZODIAC: Horse ASTROLOGICAL ZODIAC: Aries ELEMENT: Fire

LIKES AND DISLIKES

COLOR: Royal blue FOOD: Crab DRINK: Black-eye BOOK: Ha. I don’t read. THEME SONG: I will rock out to that Orange is the New Black song for my entire life. MUSIC GENRE: Alternative PLACE: Seattle PERSON: Barry MOVIE: Trainspotters TV SHOW: Parks and Rec SUBJECT IN SCHOOL: Art ANIMAL: Cat LEAST FAVORITE ANIMAL: Goose WHERE DOES THIS CHARACTER LIKE TO HANG OUT? A blues bar by where we live. WHERE IS THIS CHARACTER’S DREAM PLACE TO LIVE? Moving back to Seattle but only if Barry and Alex can come with. WHAT SORTS OF BOOKS ARE MOST LIKELY TO BE FOUND ON THEIR SHELVES? Ha. MODE OF TRANSPORTATION: Transit. SEASON: Fall. HOLIDAY: That month between Thanksgiving and Christmas is cool. FLOWER: Erm. Ones that smell nice? POSSESSION: I still have a baseball jersey that belonged to my mom and it’s literally the last thing I have of her.