#this is the most depressed ive been. ever? fucking hate it

[rek88k]

Mmmm

[knifekris]

every day i struggle to make choices

[tousakamis]

sigh. my mum is talking about how she recognises that both me and my little brother are mentally ill but she's apparently been "protecting us from labels how she wasn't" (because that's "all that society wants to give kids nowadays") and she wants us to just "get on with life and be who we are"

[shigussy]

love interpreting my dreams using dreammoods.com

just used it to translate a dream i had when i was 16(its saved in my notes app) and according to the site, i was lacking in dr pepper and KISS(the band), that my grandpa cares for me, and that im overly defensive. this was the note.

[virq-qgo]

Wolverine x reader

Uh, yeah i know its been like two years LOL. Literately after posting my last fanfic my dog died of cancer. Got like super depressed lmao.. anyways i watched the new movie and i creamed my pants so i had to write the absolute worst fanfic ever. So like this is a warning, its been two years since ive touched my computer and my skills aren't that good anymore.

summary: going to the bar undercover with the man you hate the most had a twisted turn, not expecting to get shot or telling him your feelings.

warnings: cussing, bad writing, random character death, bad writing, not proof read, and this is really long for no reason..

You didn’t quite understand why you were being dragged along with this so called “mission”

It was just one bad dude who robbed a place, so why were you at a damn bar with the person you hate the most. Everyone was aware of this. You two couldn’t be in the same room together without an argument that almost leads to a fight. So why are you here?

So sitting on the bar stool with a glass of water in your hand, a skirt you were wearing too short and a top that left the mind to wonder. What made the whole situation worse was that your worst enemy was sitting next to you, the wolverine aka Logan Howlett.

You knew he was enjoying this by the way he was ordering shot by shot, it was disgustingly attractive the way the man could pour down the hardest liquor down his throat. Rolling your eyes, you focus back on the bartender, watching him make drinks and showing off to the drunken girlfriends or wives. Obviously ignoring the wicked glares he received from their partners sitting next to them.

“Hey, bartender.” you hear Logan call out. “I need something a little harder than this.”

“Nothing for the beautiful lady sitting next to you?” the man behind the counter smirks as he poured a drink for another customer. Totally ignoring Logan's request.

A soft polite smile sits on your face while trying to stuff down the unpleasant feeling you got from the bartender. “Only if it's on the house.”

“For you?” he smiles, “you can have whatever you like.”

Your eyes crinkle from disgust but to the bartender it was from joy. “Oh, you know how to touch a woman's heart.”

You hear Logan scoff while feeling his dark eyes on you. It’s been 10 minutes since you two have been here and you're already getting underneath his skin.

“Something wrong Logan?” you call him out, turning to face him instead of the creep you call bartender.

Logan rolls his eyes as he tosses his head back and downs his shot. “Show a little boob and wear a tiny skirt, and you get anything you want.” 

“Yeah, I would say you should try it. But you don’t have much to show..”

“Is that how you got here, getting passed around the team?”

 “Yup,” you say with a sarcastic smile on your face while pretending to count to the number 8 on your fingers. “Just gotta get into your pants and then I get my reward.”

Logan looks at you with a face of disgust not sure if you were messing with him or not. “Excuse me?”

Just as soon as you open your mouth to make a smartass comment. A sudden yell echoes across the room then the sound of wood breaking. Both you and Logan twist around to see the scene. There you see the “bad guy” you guys were supposed to be after. He had just brutally smashed someone's head into the table, successfully breaking the table in half.

“That a murder.” the words fall from your lips when you see the broken piece of the table

through the poor soul's head.

“Shut the fuck up you fucking clown. That's our guy.” Logan responded in a whisper. But when he didn't hear a snotty response he twisted his head to look at you, only to find your seat empty. Instead he saw you walking towards the scene, causing a deep growl to fall from his lips. Finding himself to chase after you.

Typically, you would leave this stuff for logan. But the guy was instantly on the run. And you didn’t really have a choice but to chase after him. “Hey excuse me!” You yell at the bad guy, instantly frowning as you see the blood cover his hands and shirt.”where do you think you're going, dude? Breaking that table and killing that poor guy? What an asshole!”

The bad guy looked at you, his brows furrowing. His body filled with rage. Who do you think he is and calling him “dude”. If you were here to stop him, then so be it. But you were just a girl, and women are weak. You were easy to dispose of. “Listen lil’ lady. I'll give you a quick death if you leave me alone.”

“I don’t think so, I need you to come with me anyways.”

The man sighs as he hears the words fall from your lips, “How annoying.” he thought.

“Hey, don’t you fucking run off on me like that.” You hear Logan say as he walks up next to you. Making you roll your eyes and turn your head to face him. 

It was so quick to happen you couldn’t even process it, the only thing that processed that very moment was the ear ringing bang that echoed through the air. Then Logan shouting your name. You remember seeing him running away, his face looking angry. It felt like you were standing there for hours, like you were zoning out. Then you remembered him, the guy you were supposed to get. But as soon as you took that first step, that's when you felt it. Burning pain spreads through your body making you want to cry out. Your hand instinctively reaches out to where you feel the pain, not expecting your hand to be bloodied when you pull it back to inspect it. 

You got shot. 

Now you remember why you guys were supposed to basically kidnap this guy, he was a mutant. His abilities were dangerous. The way he fought was with guns and his bullets being made by his blood, it's how he killed people. It was poisonous.

Soft curses leave your lips as you press your hand tight against your wound, but your blood was still pooling out. You felt weak, like you could barely stand and keep your eyes open. You felt as if you were gonna drop dead at any given moment. But you had to help Logan, you two were supposed to do this together. 

The first step you took, you felt your knee give out. Sending your whole body to the ground, but the impact never came. Instead you feel a strong pair of arms lift up your weak body, your eyes see logan. But you refuse to believe it was him. He wouldn’t do this. Why was your body seeing things?

“You idiot! Why did you run off and chase after him like that? You know you don’t have any special abilities to protect you if he attacked you, so why?” He yelled, Logan was truthfully more scared and worried than angry. He was running as fast as he could to the jet to get you medical aid. But he only had so much time to spare before your body was consumed by the poison.

“What happened?” your voice was soft when you asked.

“You were shot in your chest! I can see the huge fucking hole!”

“I can feel it.” Even though you were basically dying, you couldn’t help but make a simple joke. “Y’know, even though you’re a total dick. You have good arm muscles. I like the way they can hold me so tightly. I feel like a princess.” you smile “If it takes getting shot and dying for you to

care, then maybe i should get shot more often.”

Logan frowns as he hears your comment, still rushing to get you to the jet as fast as possible. “You’re so fucking stupid, you’re not dying. If you wanted me to hold you in my arms then all you had to do was ask bub.” 

A weight of relief went off his soldiers once he saw the jet, he was right there. But when he looked at you, he saw that your hand was pressed against his chest and your eyes were on him. Barely opened. “Hey, stay with me.” he comments. “Keep your eyes open, please. We're almost there!”

Your eyes scrunch together as you see his lips move but no words come out, it didn’t help much that you were fading in and out of consciousness. Growing up, you were told not to be afraid of dying because you could die at any given time. Despite all the missions you’ve been on and how many times you were knocking on death's door. You were never afraid. But today was different, why were you so afraid? Maybe it was because you're dying pathetically, or the fact that you're in the arms of a man you’ve fallen in love with.

“I’m sorry.” you tell him, your voice soft and weak. Blood drips from your lips and down your chin. Your hand grabbing his shirt. Everything was going by so fast. In the middle of a deep silence, you look up into Logans eyes, knowing these might be your last moments together. Pain rushes through your body and words fly out of your mouth before your brain can catch up, and you’re saying what you’ve always wanted to say. “I love you.”

He freezes, shocked at your words. He looks down at you, taking in your face, and the pained look on it. You can see his brain racing like a speeding train, and his breath catches in his throat. “You’re an idiot. Why did you wait till this point?”

“I- I thought I would have more time.” was all you managed to say before shutting your eyes.

Finally, Logan runs up the rail of the jet and sets you on the cot. Watching the aids surround you, immediately taking quick action. With the flight there and taking you into emergency surgery. They finally came up to Logan, who fell asleep in the infirmary's waiting room. Telling him that you were okay and would make a good recovery.

Without wasting a single second, Logan rushed to your room. His heart dropped once he saw your frail, weak body. Connecting to different types of wires and IVs. He felt terrible, guilt consumed his body as thoughts raked his mind, he could've prevented all of this, all of your pain. Only if he was faster.

Logan found himself staring at your body, wanting to reach out and take your hand. He pulled up the chair by your bed and sat down, his eyes switching from your resting body to the monitor. Finally mustering the courage to take hold of your hand. “I’m sorry that I wasn’t quick enough, I should’ve been the one. But I was so fucking slow, in my own god damn bloody mind.And  I’m sorry I didn’t tell you that I love you back, I was just so scared. Scared that if I told you, I would never get to tell you so again. I was so fucking selfish. But holy shit, I'm so in love with you. It hurts so much. But I'll make sure to tell you every single chance I get. I love you.”

“You better get started.” you say with a smile on your face. 

Logan looks at you in a state of shock, not expecting you to be awake. Without holding back, he basically launches himself onto you. Wrapping his arms around your weak figure, wanting to hold you tight but being so gentle with you. “You’re okay” he breathes out of relief, “You’re an idiot, but you’re okay.”

“I love you too by the way.” The smile on your face was wide, you were in so much pain. But you were so happy. Never in your life did you think you would be here, but here you are. In the arms of the man you’ve pretended to hate for so long.

“Oh shut your pretty little mouth.” Was all he said before pressing his soft warm lips against yours. 

If someone had asked you what it was like getting shot, you would probably tell them it hurt really fucking bad and wouldn’t recommend it. But if they asked you on a personal level. You would tell them that you would do it again if it meant that you got to see Logan care for you. But it still hurt like a fucking bitch.

[neatalchemist]

THIS IS ALL MY OPINIONS! obviously made before the whole game came out, this is just my opinions on songs that the characters would either listen to or songs/artists/albums that remind me of them :3

all songs and artists taken out of my liked playlist on spotify 😭 im also making a leander and mhin playlists on there..

(i got carried away erm LOL) you can tell i was heavily into...a couple of trenches in my early teenage years. yes im talking about the emo quartet whatevrr

leander is mania coded argue with the WALL!! to me he is the fall out boy. hes got that charm guys TRUST ME. its definitely not because fall out boy have been my top artist for 5 years in a row now and because i love leander and im connecting them its not that guys trust me. ALSO a little death by tnbh ???? Young and a menace and a little death r his song trust me. Also pitbull..Toes by glass animals. just a fever you cant sweat out by patd

mhin is the smiths coded. big mouth strikes again and please please please let me get what i want especially. i saw someone compare them to julian devorak and that did something to my brain because julian may or may not be on my kinlist. Whatever. SO the smiths, radiohead... just the most depressing self hateful indie ever. Yeah, Yeah. the front bottoms. Shit, alex g as well head in hands. Maybe and hear me out- some mitski JUST A LITTLE FUCK IT the only non sad song might be flight of the crows by jhariah. They make great music btw. (theres no emoji for the emotion i need to convey) Kill me kill me now body by mother mother END ME wheres the animation memes and just Three days grace.

ais is hm. i dont want to say the neighbourhood and chase atlantic but the neighbourhood and chase atlantic. ARCTIC MONKEYS. fuck it, system of a down and deftones too. Seriously unserious. glass animals SPECIFICALLY Zaba. I feel it. Oh and naturally GUY.exe DUH ALSO Tyler the Creator... And Pitbull for this guy too

freek-a-leek for both ais and vere goodnight

vere.... Who is she by I Monster. this is going to be so ooc, Odetari and its so basic La Seine. I absolutely see MARINA here... Choke by IDKHBTFM!!!!? I may be reaching here. Honestly i feel like hed listen to lady gaga :× He said he liked lutists but the closest to that genre ive got is yaelokre and sea shanties (nancy the tavern wench) and they just dont fit him, sorry pooks

KURASSSS i love him ive got a few off the top of my head, hozier, he definitely likes calmer music, judas by lady gaga being the exception. riptide by vance joy and honestly? Mac Demarco and tame impala. He gives me that vibe (and reminds me of nadia from the arcana bcz theyre both serious but can switch up to goofing around just like that) Absolutely cosmo sheldrake, its just that folklore far away nostalgic feeling of magical days trust. Cas too OHHH just ghost bc. Yes.

[ishimaru-suprimacy]

All stars episode 12 spoilers + rant CUS FUCK THIS EPISODE

Genuinely feeling like quiting all stars after this one anway this is a rant cus fuck this bullshit this is the worst ending I could ever see for them absolutely NOTHING got concluded "well talk again jake" STFUUUU UGHH THIS WHOLE SESON IM JUST WAITING FOR THEM TO TALK ABOUT THERE ISSUES AND IN THE END THEY NEVER GOT TO AND NO IM NOT GONNA BE SATISFIED WITH A LITTLE KISS ON THE LAST EPISODE i genuinely feel like ive been cheated on i feel edged this is so frustrating ive been watching since the beta version just for them and them not having any proper conclusion is actually murdering me because i feel like i waited for a proper conclusion with them for so longg just for them to get this half assed ending bro IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN GABBYYYY and it is bad idc what anyone says yul should have been the one to go this episode hes debatable the least interesting with the least going on everything is just frustrating me cus now jakes gonna be even more depressed and hes gonna keep bitching like IDCCC IM GENUINELY TWEAKING OVER THIS EVEN WHEN HE LEFT HE WASN'T SMILING LIKE MOST CONTESTENTS CUS HIS ARC WASNT FINISHEDDD AND I CANT EITH THUS STUPID CYCLE I CAN NOTTTTT FUCK TIS STUPID EPISODE FUCK THIS ELIMATION FUCKI CEVRFUHINH also i hate how there complicating the trevor plotline fuck that too

Also this is the only time you'll see me this mad sorry gang

[sonikkublue]

goin on here to rant so most my ppl dont see, im not that active here anyways so who cares, i sure dont. my year has dragged me to my lowest point till ive become sucidal again. i dont like thinkin abt it but its there

i want to quit. i want to quit friends, i want to quit art, i want to quit everything. everything. including my au. i want to drop dead off the internet and prob go kill myself or reflect or smth. idk, one of those is better than the other, but again i dont know. everything is always hurting and ive been so numb to everything since this year has started, its only gotten worse. my friends arent makin this any better either

im done bein used, im done getting manipulated, im done seeing ppl favor one another right in front of me, im done w/ ppl not listenin to me when i try expressin smth im struggling w/, even if it wasnt much or none at all. i dont even vent a lot or at all. why?? cuz no one ever fucking listens, gets mad at me while i try talkin, pushes my issue away w/ another topic immediately. they my friends act more excited towards the other everyone else gettin smth meanwhile i get lil to none. i recognize im not gettin appreciated as everyone else in my friend group, like they're uninterested in me anymore. that they dont care. ive tried bein positive, i cannot. my friends have offered and offered and offered for me to talk to them if im ever bothered- "u can always talk to us if smth wrong" or smth like that...ok?? last time i broke down in call, one of my friends was playin cookie run to distract themselves, so they werent even fully listening...another time i just got flat out ignored, my issue got pushed aside by another art topic, "damn". NO ONE FUCKING CARES. i already know the cycle. too many times ive lived thru it and im only enabling it by gettin vulnerable. at this point, i cant trust my own friends cuz its so hard too believe them when they keep doin the same thing to me over and over. they're trying to prove smth to me to make me think they care. i dont fucking believe it cuz no one has ever shown care back for me, regardless of how much i give to them. theres that word again. i give so fucking much, and i hate myself for bein this way. most of the time i wish my au didnt blow up cuz its put so much pressure on me like the new friends that came and left in my life, me realizing i have to maintain an audience... idk, maybe im a lost cause. i cant do any of this anymore. i want to die. i dont like thinkin it, but i want too. theres so much stress, so much unbearable stress and anger. and no one will fucking care. ive been hurt by my own friends too many times. i dont say anything cuz its just gonna happen all over again, no how many times i *try* and bring it up to them, they will not fucking listen. no one ever fucking listens to me. i didnt like makin friends from the beginning, ive loved bein alone from the start, but everything happens naturally...unfortunately

i give and give and give and i get absolutely nothing back. im all used up.

idk everything fucking sucks rn. i didnt have to worry abt all of this when i was a smaller acc and i had myself. thats all i needed. now im just miserable. im depressed, sucidal thoughts are everyday, i cry to myself everyday and night cuz of it, im stuck living w/ this thing i made out of my pure "imagination" and that same thing almost made me kill myself one time, ive almost killed myself twice a couple months back- one in my parents bathroom and almost sneakin out of my window to wander away from home.

one day im goin to leave, and im not gonna say a word

[smalltestaccount]

okay i think ive come to the conclusion that i dont really fit in with most other trans women, like personality wise, and thats okay. Like i think recently a lot of trans women, not just on tumblr, have been making me think i have to be kinky and bizarre or something, be blasé about transitioning or gender roles, or even just like be okay with some borderline harassing behavior. Its okay if that is you (except the harassing behavior some of yall need to work on that), but like thats not really me. Acting this way just makes me feel bad. Just ignoring that Im a total straightedge, that im like a 1 on the Kinsey scale now. Ever since i was like 11 my biggest desire is just like being a normal cis girl. I always am happiest embracing basic American femininity, and i only just re-realized this after after it helped me get out of a depressive episode (along with antidepressants and an increased estrogen dose). I don't care if im "enforcing gender roles", because i fucking love female gender roles (in modern American culture) cause they make me feel like not-a-piece-of-shit. Also i don't strictly adhere to many anyways. And i just don't think terfs would have any issues with cis girls who love the color pink, flowers, being boy crazy, and dreaming about being a mother. So like why should I feel like its wrong to like that stuff? I don't think there is anything wrong with it. And you know if you don't have that relationship with gender that is fine, you need to do what makes you happy, that's why feminism exists. I'm just saying I don't want to pretend like my personality is something that really just makes me uncomfortable.

I dont like when people here imply being a trans woman entails being sexual cause like i just want to be normal and that stereotype is harmful, especially to transgender children who are really likley to be targeted for some kind of sexual abuse because theyre trans and being trans is already sexualized more than it needs to be. Adults can navigate that to some extent, but not kids; I couldnt really navigate that when i started transitioning in middle school and im lucky it only stayed online. Trying to even somewhat fit in with tumblrs idea of trans women has made me encounter tranny porn on my dash and whenever i post images of myself I'm followed by gross accounts that just reblog that stuff . A lot of trans women don't hate it, because sex work is very much as part of the trans community. But honestly, seeing trans women be treated in those ways just makes me feel bad for the actresses and sick about myself and very dysphoric.

Im not saying that you cant express kinkiness and hyper-sexuality, because I dont want to dictate how you act any more than i want you to be dictated on how I act. But I also want to encourage thoughfulness in what you say. Saying you, yourself, is kinky and weird, is not that same as saying trans *girls* are kinky and weird. In the same way I'm not going to reblog tradwife content, I don't think its productive to make an "all tgirls be kinky" post. You shouldn't try to paint that image of other trans women.

As its the first day of june I'll just tie it up by saying that not all trans people fit into one personality and if you want to show support its best not to suggest trans women all act a certain way, and please don't think talking about "gock" is a good way to show support. This isn't a "kink at pride" discourse post in the very slightest cause I don't, and never have, given any shits about that, cause I've never been to pride. This is just me talking about how I fit into the trans community.

Im Alexa and I'm going to reblog and post shit i like, not what other people like or expect. That Includes not doing tummy tuesday cause i really only briefly did it out of fomo and peer pressure. And please don't say things about me that you wouldnt say about other women

[oncamelliastreet]

whats ur fav movie?

okay i have a loooot so you get top 3 (and thanks for asking ;)

1. 10 things i hate about you: it’s just SO GOOD i love this movie so much, i couldn’t tell you how many times ive watched it because i put it on literally every time i get bored. i love a good enemies-but-not-quite-enemies-more-just-you’re-both-pricks-to-lovers, they slowly reveal why they’re both pricks so well, bianca is adorable and reminds me of my sister (though kat kind of looks like her if im being honest), ive been told i have the same personality as kat strattford (such a compliment) and its just so fucking funny i can’t

2. the breakfast club—this one is mostly because of the sentimental attachment i have to it. i was really close with my paternal grandparents who lived just down the street, and when my grandpa died my grandma didn’t like to spend the nights alone so me or one of my siblings would drive down the street and spend the night watching movies with her to distract her until like 3 am. you know what movie is always on at 3 am for some reason? the breakfast club. most days it would somehow end with it on, and then when she died 2 years ago it became a movie that kind of just feels like getting a hug from her, so i put it on a lot when im sad. also because when i was in the most depressed state of my life a year ago because of bullying this was the first movie that was able to distract me from my own mind and make me feel better, because the overall message is “we’re all a little fucked up no matter what we look like on the outside” and i love that

3. captain america:the winter soldier—shoutout to the best marvel movie ever made, this movie is my fucking shit!!

a) sebastian stan, hello.

b) sebastian stan’s thighs and arms and hands and eyes, hello.

c) i can’t say sebastian stan again can i.

d) steve rogers and natasha romanoff’s beating the shit out of the government together.

e) the fight scenes are top tier.

f) we love a traumatizing back story, sebastian stan.

g) “bucky?”

h) sam’s introduction

i) the highway scene specifically

[jqmalikhsgib]

planets aligned

three

trigger warning: mention of self harm

it’s been three months. three incredible, amazing, beautiful, months since you’ve met eddie. you enjoyed every second of your time with eddie. he was sweet, charming, respectful, and caring. he made you laugh like no one else could. for the last three months the two of you gotten to know each other.

you both decided to keep things low key. with the beginning of a relationship being so fragile, you didn’t want anyone to fuck it up. you both knew how crazy your fans could get. you didn’t want to risk losing each other. but not telling people went beyond just your fans. eddie decided he wasn’t ready for his daughter to know and you weren’t ready for fariah to know.

but after three months, eddie thought telling his daughter was the right time. he wanted the two most important women in his life to get to know each other. with his daughter already being a fan of yours, he knew she’d be excited.

what he wasn’t expecting was her high pitch scream to nearly burst his eardrum.

“oh, ry! way to bust your old man’s ear drums?”

“sorry, daddy! it’s just, you’re dating yn. the yn? she’s been my idol for years now. how long have you been seeing her?”

“just a few months now. listen, i really want you to me her.”

rylee squeals. “when?! god tell me it’s soon. where would we go? what would we do? what should i wear? daddy, you have to take me shopping before meeting her. i can’t believe im gonna meet yn.”

eddie playfully rolls his eyes as his daughter start to ramble. she was just like eddie in so many ways but had her moms looks.

“slow down, ry! remember she’s a person, okay? don’t go scaring her off, yeah?” eddie jokes. rylee rolls her eyes at her father.

the next day you came over. knocking on the door nervously, eddie greets you with a smile. he moves out of the way to let you in.

eddie could tell you were nervous. he gently caresses your cheek before kissing you softly. “everything’s gonna be fine, baby. i promise she’s gonna love you!”

a few minutes later you see eddie’s daughter coming down the steps. she was wearing a t shirt from one of your collections. eddie groaned at his daughter as she steps in front of you guys. “i thought i told you not to treat her differently. what’s with the shirt?”

you shake your head. “it’s cool! it’s one of my favorites i designed believe it or not.”

“yn is in my living room! daddy, yn is in our living room! you’re so cool. why are you dating my father?”

“hey! i have you know young lady i am one of the hottest metal artist known to man.”

you laugh.

“not hot enough to date the yn, dad! i mean, she is perfect. im sorry. normally i am not like this around other celebrities. but you’re my idol. you’re so pretty, kind, sweet, and you’re an inspiration. i have always loved how inclusive you are and how you’re not afraid to tell people off. i know im rambling but i struggled with the way i looked for so long. been bullied, picked on, torn down so many times. when you came out i finally became more confident and started defending myself.”

“baby, it’s okay.”

eddie knew his daughter only rambled this much when she was having a lot of feelings.

“thanks, daddy. sorry again yn.”

“no, it’s cool! im glad i helped you build confidence. means a lot. that’s all ive ever wanted to do for others.”

the three of you enjoy each other company. soon you had dinner together and you got to know rylee better. eddie was happy his girls were getting along. seeing you with rylee made him feel like she could finally be happy again. it made him feel like he can give her a family.

rylee was eight when her mother died. she was young but had a little understanding that her mother was gone. eddie hated seeing his little girl live without her mom.

when rylee was thirteen she showed signs of depression. eddie didn’t know how bad it was until he saw the scares on her arm. he cried with his daughter in his arms as she explained how she was being bullied and how cruel a lot of the kids were being. eddie hated seeing his little girl go through so much hurt. it made him wish bri was still alive. she would know what to do, what to say, how to handle the situation.

it was only so much eddie could do. he felt like he was failing his daughter. over the next few months, after finding rylee someone to talk to and getting her the hell out of that fucked up preppy school filled with rich prick children that never had to work in their lives and posh ass parents, eddie noticed a change in rylee.

she was happier. eddie assumed it was therapy. but she started mentioning you. going on and on about this new model who was a huge advocate on mental health and loving yourself. rylee adored you. you had helped her find herself and even helped her stand up for herself. she went out to buy posters of you, books you’ve written, and adored your clothing line. you were a huge inspiration to her.

two years later, at the age of fifteen, rylee still adored you. you saved his little girls life. meeting you was a happy accident. he wasn’t expecting to fall for you so quickly. seeing you here with his daughter, seeing her smiling, laughing, and enjoying her time with you, it only made his heart grow fonder for you.

once you all were finished with dinner, you helped eddie clean up. once the two of you finished he wraps his arms around your waist. he kisses the side of your head. you smile lovingly before turning around to face him.

“do you think she likes me? not just as yn but as, whatever this is.”

eddie chuckles. “first, she adores you. i never seen her so happy. she really enjoyed getting to know you better. and secondly, this is what you call a relationship, baby. you and i, me and you. together.”

“does that make you my boyfriend?”

eddie winced. “im a forty-two year old man, baby. calling you my girlfriend feels premature.”

you laugh. “so what would you call this?”

“id like to call you my life long partner. someone i want to spend the rest of my life with someday. my love, my heart, my soul.”

“yeah?” you asked shyly.

“mhm. what do you say? want to be stuck with this old man forever?”

“id like that very much, eds.”

“good! ill go buy a ring.”

you laugh thinking he was joking until he shakes his head and caresses your cheek. “‘m serious, baby.”

“eddie, you’re not proposing for real are you?”

“if i am?”

“ill be very pissed at you! you cannot propose to me looking like this. i look a mess eddie! im wearing one of your t shirt, a hair scarf, and my nails aren’t done!”

eddie lets out a breath before laughing. “who fucking cares, baby. i think you look fantastic, yeah? come on! we can fly to vegas right now. grab rylee and get married.”

“eds! my parents will be pissed if i marry someone without planning a wedding and going all out.”

“who gives a shit! we can plan a big wedding another time. come on, let’s go get married. remember, i told you im a live in the moment, carpe diem! come on, baby.”

you bite the bottom of your lip. “ill have to go home and pack.”

“okay.”

“and i want a nice dress. not too flashy! let’s save that for the big wedding.”

“sure.”

“okay.”

“okay?!”

“okay! let’s get married.”

eddie picks you up and spins you around. he runs upstairs to go tell his daughter the news while you text fariah, letting her know you’re gonna be gone for a little bit. you hear rylee screaming before she sprinted downstairs to you.

“tell me my dads not taking the piss out of me. are we all going to vegas right now? are you about to marry my dad?!”

“yes. are you okay with this? because if you—”

“you’re shitting right?! this is the best news ever! you’re gonna be my step mom. holy, fuck! yn yln is gonna be my step mom! i gotta go pack.”

eddie walks over to you with a suitcase. your eyes widened. “you packed fast!”

“technically i packed two weeks ago.”

“what?”

eddie starts opening his suitcase. “you know how i said we should go ring shopping earlier? well, i kind of did already, baby. i saw this ring two weeks ago and knew. i had to ask you to marry me immediately.”

eddie pulls out the most beautiful engagement ring you’ve seen. you hold out your hand and he puts it on your ring finger.

“oh, eds! it’s beautiful.” eddie kisses you passionately. you wrap your arms behind his shoulders, kissing back with equal passion.

“are we ready to do?!”

the two of you pull away from one another before eddie hums. “just one more stop. then we can buy everything there before we get married!”

“lets go!”

eddie grabs your hand as his daughter walks in front of you. you were about to marry eddie munson in just a few short hours.

[maddestmewmew]

HI IF ANY FNAF FANS ARE READING THIS THE TAGS ARE HERE FOR BLOCKLIST NOT FOR. TRYING TO REACH FNAF FANS…THERES NO HATE UNDER THE CUT ITS JUST ME BEING REALLY FUCKING CONFUSED ABT FNAF LORE

ok now thats out of the way. JESUS CHRIST have i just entered a fucking. rabbit hole?? OH MY GOD??? i was a massive fnaf fan in my preteen years, as was everyone ever in the 2010s..ive dialed back my enjoyment of it, ill watch playthroughs of the mainline games and ive seen the movie but thats kind of it. this being relevent bc i watched an into the pit playthrough, and then saw some tweets about it. MOST of them i understood, until i hit a tweet talking abt some kid named andrew?? and how hes not an sci??? and i was like Hold On. maybe its been some years but i cant be THAT behind can i. i know all the important names..michael afton and cassidy and charlie and what have you..

so i look up the wiki for this kid andrew, and it leads me to a story about a ghost kid attatching himself to william aftons spirit and torturing him and shit. i was a bit confused bc like. isnt that cassidys thing? but Whatevs. also the stories seemed weirdly bizzare to me, like not in a hateful way but like. why is william afton getting an exorcism. anyway it brings up a couple (A LOT) of names i dont understand, but what my brain latches onto is this kid jake, who is described as forcing andrew to Stop torturing english willy, at the cost of Now Hes Stuck Possessing An Endoskeleton. okayyy this is fnaf to me. i didnt know this but its abt what i expect from five nights at freddys.

so i head to jakes wiki out of curiosty, and find out he is from, no joke, one of the most fucking depressing stories ive ever read? i dont mean in terms of fnaf, i mean, FUCKING EVER. JESUS. CHRIST.

its like. in the middle of a fazbear frights book. fazbear frights being these scary stories to tell in the dark type books where its collections of spoooky stories that will shape the minds of children everywhere, but like. fnaf themed.

this story is called “the real jake” and i Highly reccomend you read the wiki instead of hearing it from me like. fourth hand. like im retelling a retelling here. but if you want that ultra telephone sypnosis, here you go:

“the real jake” follows a nine year old boy who is bedridden. with cancer. his mother is dead and his father is overseas. jake is taken care of full time by a nanny, margie.

jake likes to talk with a boy in his cupboard, named simon, who is really his father over the phone, through a walkie talkie. at first, jake and “simon” talk about what jake has done that day, but jake cannot leave his bed, so jake gets frustrated that all his stories are so mundane and depression. so one day simons like, okay, tell me what the REAL jake has done. and its a little game of pretend, where jake tells these silly little stories about what the “real jake” did that day. one day, jakes friend tries to get him to sneak out to go to the arcade, and tries to get him there by dragging him in a wagon, but jake is too weak to make it to make it to the wagon and collapses and throws up, and he explains to margie he wanted to be the real jake for a day.

at some point jake and margie are playing chess, and jake gets super frustrated that he cant see straight. margie calms him down and jake tells her that he loves her, causing margie to break down, and then she Later Finds Out The Doctors Are Ceasing Treatment For Him, which makes margie realize she loves jake as a son.

AND THEN MARGIE GETS THE CALL THAT JAKES FATHER WAS FUCKING KILLED. and she has full custody of jake. she cant bring herself to tell him his father died, so she says simon wont be able to visit for a while.

AND THEN JAKE FUCKING DIES.

AND THAT IS IT. THAT IS THE END OF THE STORY . THEY JUST MOVE ON AFTER THAT. HOLY FUCK??? IMAGINE BEING LIKE 9 AND PICKING UP THE LATEST FIVE NIGHTS AT FREDDYS BOOK AT THE SCHOOLASTIC BOOK FAIR AND THEN READING A STORY ABOUT A LITTLE BOY COPING WITH HIS CANCER AND THEN FUCKING DYING ALONE. FREDDY FAZBEAR WASNT EVEN THERE.

[royjamieism]

okay after reading most of your posts about the tea i totally understand why chell and cecile sucked, but what did rowdy do? (genuinely asking, no shade - sorry if u already answered this and i missed it.) coming from a new-ish (former) tip member

EDIT: i have since reconnected w this member and want to clarify that this was my perception of things, the member said that she was severely depressed but not suicidal — i perceived some of her messages that way at the time and had been deeply worried by phrasing of her messages. i certainly didnt think that the mean-spiritedness of rowdy, cecile, and cardens friend group about her (which you can read below) would be helpful.

she requests that no one start any hate on her behalf!

—

since rowdy posted a huge bullshit essay denying that she tormented a suicidal person ill give you the deets here. please forgive that its a bit out of order i just woke up lmao

rowdy and carden and cecile and their stupid fucking friends tried to drive one of the members to suicide over our stupid sexy xmas fic event

tell me why rowdy howdyrowdypartner jumped on talking over and dismissing this specific suicidal member/author every time they talked in the vent channel about being severely depressed and not wanting to be a burden and being bad at writing and wanting to delete everything etc following this event.

why she cruelly criticised “whoever wrote all the anon fics” constantly for being “attention hungry” and “poor quality” whenever they came up, when she knew that author was struggling w immense guilt over it specifically because rowdy and her friends kept calling the anon fics thing an “attention hogging” “poor quality” gesture. tell me why rowdy and her friends doubled down when this member specifically said they felt horrible guilt for being an “attention whore” and “hurting people with her fic”

here is what the anon fics were: every single participant submitted kinks that they wanted to see fics for. this member asked for the list of all the kinks bc they wanted everyone to get an extra gift fic to wake up to because they knew its a difficult time of year for many people

these fics were uploaded every day and rowdy and her friends were pissed that the extra gift fic uploads meant that their fics spent less time at the top of the ao3 royjamie tag for exposure. both rowdy and carden explicitly complained about this numerous times KNOWING BEFORE ANY OF THEM WERE POSTED THAT THEY WERE BY THIS MEMBER bc someone leaked this members really sweet plan to them

rowdy and carden also started a secret server/group dm or whatever SPECIFICALLY to shit on this member for doing the sexy xmas gifts. it was not a fucking small group and it was Not lighthearted fun

even after the fics shouldve stopped being relevant, this suicidebaiting would continue with convos in private like:

member: i feel horrible. i am such a burden. i should just go away

cecile: yes! you should stop being a burden by leaving people alone!

(cecile would come in right at the tailend of the three of them together shitting on the sexy xmas gifts)

actually fucking sickening that rowdy would pretend not to know what im talking about lol. shes so good at pretending shes so sweet but shes one of the ugliest people ive ever ran into on the internet

AND THEN THAT STUPID BACHELORETTE PARTY TOO but thats less evil and more just really fucking stupid. but it was still evil that chell and cecile tried to force us to work on a party for someone who hated us

[almostvermin]

uuuuh my tablet is basically overheating bc ive been drawing so hard for the call boy fan mv (WHICH I CANT WORK ON UNTIL NEXT WEEKEND FUCK MY STUPID BAKA LIFE) so. throws some incomprehesible sekai oc scribbles at you plus elboration

a little explaination of how the gacha system ive made up works. so bc i have 3 people in one unit (sunken starlight) plus 6 people in another (unnamed orchestra) (yes thats their unit name theres a reason okay) and 3 in the third unit (whihc i havent created yet but its gonna be a nightcord-esque thing) heres how the systems gonna work

4*, 4*, 3*, 2*. the orchestra guys will have 3 ocs at a time plus a vs. all cards are hakolims and mixed events can have any previous mixed card OR initial card (every character will have an initial 4*, which doesnt give you an outfit or hairstyle bc its their regular unit one).

also it'll go sunken starlight, unnamed orchestra, mix, [yet to exist], unnamed orchestra, mix

this is not a real game thats being made i am not that good at coding nor do i have that much dedication

okay so this one is for dami1. rockstar set i think. idk if you can see all that well but in the corner its called 2 to overcome our past resentment. basic summary:

erynn is pissed that damien and siobahnn keep "teaming up against her" when in reality her ideas are just shit

damien overreacts. bc its damien and his ego is fragile. so stops talking to erynn altogether.

so now erynn is sad and siobahnn is going to get to the bottom of this no matter what but damien doesn tknow that

damiens mother (who. has a l2d!!! yay for npcs) is like "kid you are acting weird and lonely again dont tell me your new friends dumped you" and ehs like. nooo.... i maybe dumped them.... and shes like talk to them goddamit. but he doesnt want to

he remembers he has a secret pocket dimension he can go to and goes there. but siobahnn is already there (TOTALLY NOT running those lyrics for the untitled track past len). she talks to damien in the sekai and explains how erynn is a little bit depressed bc she really wanted to make amends!! adn sehs really scared she came across accusatorially

damien tells her not to speak for erynn and she can find him herself. and siobahnn, poor social anixiety ridden girl she is, summons all the courage she has to tell him "WELL IM YOUR FRIEND TOO AND YOU GOTTA COME BACK BC WE MISS YOU >:(" except she whispers it rlly fast bc shes so scared of him still

and damiens like. oh. okay. i will. and yay forever!!

next day. siobahnn summons all the courage she has. and gives the lyrics to damien when he comes back like "REALLY SORRY I LIKED THE SONG THAT TAKES US TO A POCKET DIMENSION WITH MEIKO AND LEN IN IT I MADE US LYRICS FOR IT ITS OKAY IF YOU HATE THEM AND ALSO ME" then hides behind erynn despite being a full five inches taller than her.

and damien loves them and untitled track has lyrics :D and that is the commision song for the event

but yeah the cards themselves. damien has the. emo red spikey guitar like any proper secret nerd who thinks in python with emotional attatchment and anger issues. also he dyed just the roots of his hair black (LIKE ERYNN AND ATTICUS) and cut it short. and he has a red leather jacket and black ripped jeans and spikey earrings because hes EMO and its NOT A PhASE (the event disappears in a week sorry bestie) (this isnt. intended to poke fun at actual emo people but hes very much pop culture emo not actual subculture emo. he will be proper emo by the time im done w him though.) and siobahnn.. oh siobahnn... most egirl outfit youve ever seen. implied that damien picked it out for her.her hairs pretty much the same style as normal but in braids and shorter... i promise i;ll get more creative with the other ones but i dont want to randomly change her hair texture in between events and its not 4c or anything. the braids are more frayed on the right side and shorter too going to her ears rather than her shoulders on the other side.shes singing on stage in the trained btw. bc. her whole thing is that she WANT to be famous but shes not sure she can mentally deal w it ect vs damiens im not sure i have the talent to get there vs erynns can you two PULL YOUR SHIT TOGETHER PLEASE (im going to have a luft-core event at some point where her shit gets rocked. watch out.) yay and the erynn 3* is her talking to siobahnn about damien and her trained isher on keytar for reasons (she learnt piano alongside atticus learning violin but refuses to do so bc its boring unless a keytar bc thats Fun and Cool) and the len 2* is him holding. a basse guitar. in a shirt with a bass fish on it. yeah. soryr.

AIGHT and here's atticus mixed 1. 4* atticus 4* siobahnn 3* erynn 2* ivy. ik yall dont know who atticus and ivy actually are but theyre besties atticus is erynns twin brother theyre both in the unnamed orchestra. okie dokie lessgo. the plot of the event is very simple:

atticus is a Funny Guy who tells Jokes and Silly Stories including one about erynn falling off the roof

this intruges siobahnn who asks him to elaborate. he gets this paniced look in his eyes and runs away

siobahnn now tracks down anyone who might knwo. first she goes to ivy whos like what the freak i dunno??? =so she goes to erynn which would be the easiest solution in the first place.

erynn says its all atticus's fault and to ask him to admit what he did

siobahnn is IN DEEP now and needs to know

basically long story short atticus locked erynn on the roof and she jumped off to get down (she was fine and thought it was funny but teases him about it to this day)

but i made it an assasin set for no reason. yes i gave atticus a side part. deal with it.theres like a big ass bloddstain on his back and more on his trousers bc its a formal fancy assasion set whereas siobahnn is having funsies stabbing people!! her hair is more. think frye onega grandfest

being dragged back to family matters so i cant elaborate further but yeag!!! THE LITTLE GUYS I LOVE EM... if it feels like siobahnn is my favourite youre wrong i just wanted to doodle her so you get events featuring her. shes also a master at pushing the plot forward but i ahve an event in mind where she breaks bc she cant keep being the only reasonable person and does something really impulsive (challenges the arata-esque guy to a duel) (she looses) (this becomes her crawl green iykwim)

@socks-wizard-money-gang <- if you wanted to read a bunch of bullshit

[saintetheldredablogshorrormovies]

okay i dont usually post my personal notes in full but i found my old notes from the first time i watched season 2 episode 2 (everybody loves a clown) (i take brief like three word notes as i watch an episode then fill in what i meant when its done so i wasnt like pausing the whole way through) and listen. they are so so embarrassing. the most embarrassing thing i will post on this blog. but im going through a depression right now worse than ive ever known so bad that im getting medicated and it means i go through long stretches often where im so numb and i dont care about anything which feels horrible and this amount of earnest and stupid joy is actually so incredible to me okay the notes are exactly as follows

I feel like the use of clowns is going to have something to do with how we learn to fear clowns cause we’re afraid of anything that looks too happy. Got Winchester trust issues written all over it hehe

(Re Dean protesting working on the car is the only thing he can do) Dean is not a man for destinations. Narry a fuck for destinations coming from this man and I. Find that extremely hot of him tbh

THE GUN SPIN WAS SO HOT HELP JOS PUNCH ALSO HOT CAN EVERYONE QUIT BEING HOT FOR A SECOND SOME MERCY PLEASE I know I’m supposed to laugh about the gun spin now but also I kind of feel like I’ll never be over it help?????

I DONT LIKE JO PT 2 OF ME HATING ALL OF DEANS LOVE INTERESTS NOT THAT IM POSSESSIVE BUT IF HES NOT CASTIELS HES MINE SORRY BUT THE SHADE AT ZEPPELIN 4 IS INEXCUSABLE I find these love interests genuinely distressing WHY CANT THEY GET IT RIGHT

((authors note i adore jo now i think i was just jealous LOL and also i watched the show cause i kept seeing cas online and loved him and thought destiel sounded so romantic so i hated every love interest HAHA))

EEEEEEE WE LOVE A COSTUME WE LOVE A COSTUME

I love this so much. This show has always been so kind to the quiet, antisocial kind of beauty, the kind that knows to protect itself from where people devour it out in the open and that has honestly always, always meant the world to me. The whole, Dean being silent and Sam constantly trying to ask "are you coping am I coping how do I cope" thing. It’s beautiful. The show understands what it’s like for some people to never feel at home, and never feel quite satisfied. Not everyone has that, you know. And where so often that gets called immaturity, a flaw you grow out of and correct, it’s one of the few things that will say to me, no, the way you learned how to survive, that’s beautiful. The storm in your heart, it isn’t your destruction, it is a strength as strong as anyone’s. The way that you are is beautiful without needing to be corrected. Idk I struggled to express this

(fucking insane that i actually wrote this with a straight face god bless this girl)

The intimacy of seeing them laugh at each other’s teasing seriously it’s like nothing else

Whyyy do Dean and Ash have like. Chemistry I hate it Better than Jo though actually I love it

SO ALICE AND I ALWAYS SAID THIS SHOW KNOWS HOW TO ABSOLUTELY SHRED YOUR HEART AND UHHHHH (re the last scene with him hitting the car LOL)

[the-fallen-collective]

I love when most my life is a fucking lie!!

I love when i realize things and now shit makes sense cus of course every part of my life has to be rooted in trauma and negativity!!!

Of course both my parents have to be abusive!! I dont actually have a good parent! One just hides it so well it took me fucking forever to realize and now that i have, a lot of shit makes sense

Oh and of course my several year long want to be a clinical psychologist is just rooted in the fact that ive been playing therapist for years! Since the age of 10 at the least, as far as i remember! Im realizing i probably actually wouldnt do well in that job! It was just more someting i felt like i had to do because what other use do i have than to just be everyones fucking child therapist??? Mostly looking at my adult family right now!

I feel so fucking fantastic that my life is just falling apart all around me and i dont know how to pick it up because i dont know where to start! I may not have been able to be fully functional ever but damn im realizing im way fucking less functional thanks to years of fucking neglect but hey! Of course its all my fault i dont know how to fuckjng function!! BECAUSE EVERYTHING IS MY FUCKING FAULT!!!

I AM SO FUCKING SORRY I AM SUCH A GODDAMN INCONVENIENCE FOR YOU YOU JUST SHOULDNT HAVE HAD ME

I AM SO FUCKING SICK AND TIRED OF EVERYTHING

oh but i cant be!

I forgot!

I have to earn the privilege to even be sick anymore!

Im sick all the fucking time, which is an inconvenience for you, and since the doctors couldnt find anything out of the 5-6 (as in not enough) tests done, then clearly its all my fault and i just choose to be this way!! The same way i choose to be depressed and “ptsd-like” and all this shit!!!

I am so sorry that your sickly child, who has had health issues since birth, has become such an inconvenience on your life, you have to take away its privilege to be sick

Oh but the moment any of you are i gotta help! Im forced to do shit and to go to school and go do things with yall when im sick, but the moment yall are i have to help and do everything for you!! Do it your goddamn self like you make me!

I hate this. I hate it. I hate the constant “youre so addicted to your phone” or “your only issue is how long you can be on your phone” or “there are people who would love live to the life you complain about so much” and this and that SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU DO NOT KNOW THE GODDAMN SUFFERING I HAVE TO ENDURE! ALL THE SHIT IVE BEEN THROUGH AND HAVE TO CARRY IN FUCKING SILENCE OR SO HELP MY PARENTS I AM THE WORST PERSON ALIVE

my parents werent ready to be parents. And they still arent

I am suffering. I am only ever suffering.