#this is the first thing I've written in MONTHS and it's deranged and I had fun so yay!!!

[creature-wizard]

Found some stories from people who realized their SRA/repressed memory therapists were a bunch of quacks. Lots of CWs for talk of severe abuse and some occasional disturbing activities. If you can stomach it, it's worth a read because it shows just how bad these therapists could get with malpractice and quackery. If you don't want to read the whole thing, here's some key takeaways:

Many therapists just decided their patients had repressed memories. The patients were not allowed to question or disagree with this. The therapists basically flexed their professional authority and told them they were just in denial. Former patient Deborah David described her own experience as being like constantly told that she had once seen a bear climbing a candy cane, told that other people had seen bears on candy canes, and constantly being asked leading questions about her experiences with bears on candy canes, and told that she was in denial if she said she'd never seen one.

Not all patients appear to have been put under hypnosis, but the therapists' insistence that terrible things must have happened to them and their insistence that the only way to heal was to "remember" all of it basically had a number of patients just imagining up all the horrible scenarios they could think of. Former patient Laura Pasley realized after getting out that a number of her "memories" actually came from the book Sybil, the movie Deranged, and from a story she'd written when she was seventeen.

(Worth noting here that a study showed that people who believe they have past lives are more likely to forget where they learned information. It would make a lot of sense if many people who "remembered" SRA under therapists like these have the same issue.)

Many patients were told that their bodies stored memory of this alleged repressed trauma, and any physical sensation they felt was a "body memory" surfacing. So for a hypothetical example, someone who experienced an aching ankle might be told that this is their body "remembering" parental abuse. A patient might imagine a scenario where a parent broke their ankle, and the therapist would treat this as a "recovered" memory.

A number of patients were diagnosed with MPD (as it was called at the time) regardless of whether they initially showed any symptoms. Patients were pushed into "uncovering" these alters that allegedly remembered all the abuse. One patient (Robert Wilson) actually began acting out the alters his therapist told him he had outside of the therapist's office, in some very harmful and destructive ways. (CW for prostitution and animal death if you want to read his story.)

Another patient (Nell Charette) said that while her therapy was ongoing, she had "eight different people telling [her] what to do."

Another patient (Susan) reports:

I mapped an elaborate system, virtually every emotional state or conflicting world view was an alter, plus the male protector and little girl and little boy that went with it. There were sets of 12 for every ego state, complete with names. In the end, I had about 200 "alters." ... Now along with all these alters is the question of how did they get here? Now, we've all heard the story that you can't be this way without severe, repeated, sexual or physical trauma from before you were 5. I'm really pissed about this part, because look how they did this: 1. Your symptoms mean you have MPD, the first step to getting better is to admit this. There is no other thing this could be; if it walks like a duck it's a duck. 2. Since you have MPD, you had to have been sexually/physically/ritually abused. There is no other way you could have this, so you need to admit it to get better. 3. You have to bring these "memories" forward to get better.

This confirms exactly what I've been saying for months: that the mythology of SRA and Project Monarch-type alter programming permits any uncomfortable feeling, any unwanted impulse, and any conflicting beliefs to be attributed to an alter, and therefore to trauma-based mind control, extreme abuse, or whatever you want to call it.

Robert's unfortunate case also confirms that if you go telling a sufficiently unstable person that they have certain alters that do certain things, they will effectively develop them. (This is why convincing a child that they might have a prostitute alter is not only unethical, but also incredibly dangerous!)

If you try and make yourself uncover certain alters, or if someone convinces you that you have them, you will almost certainly "find" them. The simple act of imagining an alter can be enough to make your brain start generating one, or at least something that resembles one close enough to convince people like these therapists.

Many of these former patients describe their mental health deteriorating as their "therapy" progressed. Many who came in without severe issues were completely dysfunctional by the time they left, and if they did have issues when they started, they were exacerbated. This was treated as a part of the healing process, with patients being told that "you have to get worse before you get better" and "the only way out is through."

As retractor Stephanie Krauss put it:

They get hold of this impressive-sounding theory and it goes through some metamorphosis in their minds and is transformed into fact. Then they go treat patients with this new information that only causes more havoc in the lives of persons with normal problems. They have this zeal to treat a disorder that doesn't even exist-at least, not until after treatment starts, and that's when the suffering really begins.

I know brainwashing techniques, and what these people experienced was 100% brainwashing. Each patient had their very sense of self torn apart and each was led to believe that they couldn't trust their own minds. They were led to believe that they had a serious problem that only the therapist - the one with all the power - could fix. They were only "healing" when they complied with the therapist's desires. They were told to cut off anyone who challenged the therapist's narrative.

In other words, the real programmers, the real practitioners of mind control, were the therapists.

[asmo-that1simp]

Yan!Nikolai x Yan!Reader!

Authors note: tysm! For all the lovely gremlins who voted on the poll, I know I said in my bio that I wouldn't be doing graphics but when your making a fic abt. A terroristic maniac it's kinda hard not too lmao, so yeah I hope you enjoy!

-Nikolai wandered the endless and grim halls of the desolate space, down each corridors was a nice gift wrapped corpse theer were hearts written in crimson red as he he skipped and swayed~

-Unbenouced to him someone was watching his every action and move,his hand motions, his hip sways, every delighted chuckle he made when he found a guresome knick nack somewhere in the abandonded hospital, galore with expired medine bottles perscripted drugs that never made it to there owner, there you were deranged and void of life the only pleasure you received was watching watching your future hsuband skip around an abandoned hospital any regular human being would be terrified of someone so manic, but you however found peace in it the fact that he wasn't scared of death in fact he accepted it with open arms (and someone elses leg)

- Unfortunately you didnt realize in your trance of lust over nikolai,he uhm turned the corner and set his hetrochromic eyes on you, you froze pink ribbons in your bloodied hands the same ribbon that had been wrapped around every single corpse or dismembered body of a person who had spoken to for the past six months (obviosly fyodor wasnt dead, you already knew nikolai wouldnt be his glorious self if he did end up breathless)

-Nikolai looked at you with confusion rather then fear or disgust "This was all your doing sweetie~. All the murder the cut up bodies of those pitiful souls, they were brutally masacred by little adorable you~" At first you expected him to be devestated but then you remebered this is the same terrorist who helped destruction of the Moby dick with the Rat fyodor

"You're not scared..of me my love I-"

"Why would one be scared of a beauty such as yourself, who negates the societal taboos and wrongdoings of our age"

Is it real, you think a man no a person who accepts what you do not only accepts it but actively finds it atractive

''Oh yeah sweetie I've noticed you stalking me multiple times, you arent very good at this to be honest with you but with due time I Gogol NIkolai will teach you the true ways of crime''

-so there you were, an ex convict who broke out of prison just to meet the mat standing before you now marveling in your work and looking at you with love instead of disgust, though you know Nikolai well enough that he's not easily attached to things the only person He's ever felt anything for was Fyodor, but could you be his second

-He treated the hospital like he was touring a museum 'Ooh what did she do?" He squealed eager to hear the motives behind your gruesome play of dismembered dolls

"She talked to you on January 19 2021 she was too close for my liking so I chopped her up"

"Wow you even have receipts, and what about him?"

"Oh that was this morning, he was trying to convince me to join this cult so I just stuffed him in the closet

"Wait, isn't that Akutagawa's sister, yeah what's she doing here?"

-You forgot about her, see Gin and you were friends even before the mafia so she often hand out with you here when the police were to busy to chase you "oh yeah this is her comfort spot she likes to stay here with me when we're not on the clock, looking at the beautiful stars imagining Nikol-

"Do you dream about me darling? Aww that's adorable absolutely adorable you know, I've had dreams about this moment, meeting the person I'd like to live with and eventually slaughter or be it the other way around, how I can imagine you dragging a hatchet down my tracia~ even the thought of it gets me giddy".

- you spent the night with him, not sex too early he said, but watching the most hilarious death on Alice in Borderland compilation ever, he shared your favorite shows even having similar stuffed bunnies his with a cute black and white top hat and yours with an adorable spades shaped tiara, sharing udon and futon, your rested your eyes falling into yet another dream of madness...

Authors note: hello my lovely Gyaru gremlins, I hope you enjoyed this fic as much as I enjoyed making it, I'm hoping to make a Nagi sleep head cannons soon, see ya till next time!♡

@uzmacchiato for banner credit~ᰔ

[msperfectsheep-posts]

ooooo a chance to ask about Dead Weight? Yes please! Please tell me more about where that's going! The first chapter lives forever in my head and I think about it at least once a week <3

HI KEI!!! Thanks for the ask!! I'm so glad you asked about Dead Weight and I'm SO sorry I've held out on you for, what, like nine months now?? The study abroad + Batman fic worms hit me hard 😔😔 Anyways, thoughts about Dead Weight! I actually have not??? written any more since I published chapter 1???? I swear i had more written but I guess it was in my head?? Originally, my plan was for it to be a story in five parts, nothing super long or even normal by my standards but more than a one shot, and I'm thinking I'll stick to that? The biggest thing is wrangling my worms whenever the i7 bug gets ahold of me, but like, trust me, this is the top of my priority list in terms of i7 fics because it would be SO easy for me to finish once I have the motivation. It's a fun premise, I like the setting and tone, and it's an AU that doesn't feel too like. specifically AU-ish?? if that makes sense. This is so incredibly rambly and I WISH I had an excerpt to share after this long but I don't. Maybe I should watch i7 for a ninth time, that'll fix me <- deranged

[paula-in-dreamland]

ask game for teasing wips/upcoming projects: 🌀❄️☔

*Claps hands excitedly* I AM READY!!! [I had a lot to say]

🌀Post the fic summary for a fic you haven't written/published yet. It can be hypothetical or something you really plan on releasing...

Okay seeing as I have spent the last month reworking the main plot after just saying I was going to do a bit of organizing/get all new ideas back in one place (and FINALLY finished last night lmfao), I'll talk about my Biker Gang AU for Sig/Stiorra!! Basically, there is going to be a main 2023 plot along with flashbacks that support the main plot by basically answering how they got there in the first place. It will also feature four POVs. Takes place over ~20 years. Includes TWO mysteries (one of which is kind of obvious to book readers). And is a BEAR of plot cause well...twenty years to keep consistent, plot-hole free-ish, and make logical sense (like...make sure each choice, each twist, each timeline point flows). AND YEAH IM SUPER EXCITED AND A LITTLE SCARED, BUT IF I PULL IT OFF I WILL BE REALLY FREAKING PROUD OF MYSELF.

❄️Share a snippet from a WIP of your choosing.

I'm planning on getting back into Scandal land today. But gonna post an unedited snippet of HG to hold @chman90 over hehe -- It’s strange talking to him so casually - like the last two years were just a deranged nightmare. The words flow easily, too easily. If they keep this up, she’ll be telling him all her secrets. “I thought we were not meant to keep secrets anymore.”, she teases.  “I’ll tell mine, when you start spilling yours.”  “Who says I’m keeping secrets?” The mischief arising inside of her makes her feel like she’s sixteen again. The setting and circumstances cements the notion; they’ve been here before, countless times. Without even looking at him, she knows the exact face he is making now - the “I know when you’re lying to me” one where a little wrinkle appears between his eyebrows, head tilted just slightly to the right, corners of his lips ticked upward…. Sometimes she wonders if he forgets that she can read him just as well.  “You’ll be happy to hear that you’ve finally broken, Rognvaldr. You’d think he saw a ghost when I asked him about what you two were talking about in the elevator after you left.”  

���Is there a fic concept you have that you'd like to just explain and share because you're not sure you'll ever write it? If so, what is it?

Hmmm, there are plenty. Some that are just fun to imagine. Last night, I had a 'Titanic' AU come to me lmfao [Stiorra essentially as Rose, Sig as Jack with some nuance cause I don't like erasing that Sig is also of noble birth]. I've also been playing around with 'She's a Man' AU ?? But there are certain things I can't quite figure out/twist for the AU -- like which brother is Stiorra switching places with cause she's not twins with either?! And if the other school would be the Dane school, why would x brother [most likely osbert] be sent there in the first place?! lmfao. But also why is Aethelstan/Eadgyth at the dane school isntead of the Wessex school? OH and I probably won't write it ever but playing around with a Brooklyn Nine-Nine-espque AU is also quite fun!!

THANK YOU SO MUCH LOVELY!!!! <3

Emoji WIP/Upcoming Projects Ask :)

[cruesuffix]

I agree so much with the anon listening to tosom, the nostalgia I feel when I see Mick Mars content is incredible. I'm a fairly new fan, liked Mick for almost six months now, so I missed the album publication and the common posts from him. I wish he could see the Instagram message I've written to him, but I think he just uninstalled it😢 I wish I could contact him somehow, because even though I'm a new fan, he had already inspired me to buy my first guitar, and is my favourite rockstar. I want to send him an appreciation letter, and I remember reading that someone's daughter with AS did that and GOT A REPLY FROM HIM. I don't know if you're supposed to send it to his manager, although he (the manager) probably wouldn't read some 15 years old's ramble

tbh i wouldn’t have any clue on how to send that fucker letters or anything. i’ve never been one to want to contact my favs in any way cause i personally find it cringy, not when anyone else does it… just when i do it! i just think i couldn’t possibly do it without sounding deranged and weird (and what 74 yo would be interested in hearing the insane asylum rambles of a girl in her early twenties, y’know!)

though, i do love the fact that he did respond to a girl with AS, i’ve always got the impression that he cares so much about people going through the same thing as him. i’ve always figured celebs don’t even read the stuff they get sent anyways. i guess that was a rare exception!

it would be harder cause he isn’t on sm like the rest of the crue are… you know, he’s not like nikki reposting edits of himself (which i find so hilarious for some reason!), it would be much harder to be able to send him anything. idk what to tell you about that one… maybe tie your letter to a balloon and throw it up in the sky and hope he finds it LMAOOO.

(that being said, forget brat summer, we need a mick mars summer.)

[ratsplendor]

Congratulations on reaching a million words milestone on AO3!!! 🥳🥳🥳🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉

(-parallel fiddauthor anon)

Also I wanna ramble a bit about the whole parallel fiddauthor trope, because I'm in that mood I hope you don't mind! Okay so I actually didn't even know a trope like that even existed in the first place until I saw some stuff here on tumblr about parallel Fiddleford falling in love with Ford and I was like damn that's actually delicious why the fuck not! I like the intense amount of yearning that trope has like imagine Ford who's been traveling the multiverse alone for almost 30 years and suddenly he stumbles into a world where he meets the parallel version of a man he's been missing for so long meanwhile parallel Fidds who thinks his Ford doesn't love him back is suddenly face to face with the alternate version of him who's an incredibly hot silverfox scifi hero, I think it would be incredibly difficult for him to resist fawning over him and tbh I don't blame him. Ford comes to PF asking for his help with the gun and PF provides him a safe place to rest and recover from his previous journies. And they're both having such a hard time being around each other because of all the YEARNING until they both finally snap and can no longer keep their hands away from each other. Over Ford's short stay in that dimension PF will provide him with comfort and satisfy his carnal needs by letting Ford fuck him senseless and Ford in turn provides PF with the same comfort and satisfaction by fucking him senseless with the vigor of a man who's been yearning for his friend for almost 30 years. After intense fucking comes the comfort where they're both laying in bed, wrapped up in each others arms, stroking and caressing whatever surface their hands could reach and murmuring soft words against each other's skin. They both know this is incredibly risky and wrong and that they could never be able to be together, but they don't care and will ignore the inevitable as long as possible until the day comes when the gun is finally ready and they have to part ways. PF sends Ford trough the portal with a bittersweet goodbye kiss, hoping that he'll be able to complete his lifelong mission and survive and return to his own dimension to his own Fiddleford waiting for him.

aaaaAAAAAAAA you people know exactly !! how to get to me >:c (/affectionate)

like i told deranged anon last week. i had *plans.* well not really. this ear infection thing is kicking my ass and i am just taking whatever i can get done as a gift. in any case, i thought maybe i'll work on that crackfic this weekend, or perhaps even act II of sleeping dogs. no . you come into my inbox when i rise from crusty slumber and hit me with this beautiful, horrible, gaping miasma of queer yearning. i opened this doc so fast. as i've said before, sometimes i wonder why y'all outsource to me (/complimentary, i'm certainly not complaining i love writing for y'all) bc some of you have this clarity of vision + ability to put shit down on paper that makes me convinced you could write an excellent fic! <3

++ just to curse you/thank you for this, here is the beginning of this fic, written over a month ago. some fics are a long haul and some are a sprint but they all turn out feral in the end.

(+ thank you for the congratulations <3 i wouldn't be here without you guys!!)

[azures-grace]

i give you two options

a. the entire list of questions

or

b. 2, 5, 14, 20

Challenge MCFUCKING accepted

Questions at the end

1. 4 published, but technically I worked on The Shadow of the Wicked but didn't publish anything for it.

2. One shots!

3. Fallout lmaoo

4. 2, Skyrim and Fallout, 3 if you wanna get technical and say My Father's Name is FNV and Too Much has Fallen in Mine is Fo3

5. Butchicity.... Goober n Gore......

6. Butch DeLoria and Moira Brown

7. Yeah! Started writing for Fallout, and the new ships would be Moira and Lissy and Butch and Lissy but that technically hasn't actually come up in any writing yet. There's stuff I've been writing for it tho.... But for later.....

8. TMHFIM, it was really special to me because it was like... The first thing I was able to write after being really depressed for a long ass time. God bless antidepressants.

9. Ooh... Hard question. I was really happy to work on all of them, but I think Let me hold you until I soften your hands made me the happiest because it's just. Pure fluff.

10. One of the oneshots, I'm a whore for unfinished long fics nshdjejdbd

11. Uncanny Blood, mostly because I wanted to work on later parts a lot and had to figure out travel times and then had to write a whole extra chapter even though technically I had 2 chapters after it written, so currently the fic is at a standstill because I have to write chapter 3, even though I have 4 and 5 ready to go 😔😔😔

12. None of them lmaoo. My Father's Name, probably. I know the beginning of New Vegas pretty well.

13. Shortest: My Father's Name, Longest: TMHFIM

14. Depends on when in the year I was? I've got a couple character playlists n stuff sorry for the terrible answer lmao djsjjzbd

15. TMHFIM, I was stuck between several titles, but I'm using at least one of them for a later chapter, so all is well.

16. Let me hold you until I soften your hands. Makes me emotional

17. "Evenings by the fire were always their favorite part of the evening." Or "Her father had been… distant lately." I feel like both of those set up the tone of the story pretty well. And I giggle at the sentence mistake in the first

18. Well. I've only got two of those. But it's " “I think I'd like that, blood.” " which makes more sense in context. I'm gonna go cry about it now.

19. Eheheheh my favorite part. I have 2

“Hey,” Amkar said lightly. “Even if there's no real information here, at least it's very pretty to look at. Those Nords sure were on to something…”

“Weird to hear that from a Thalmor soldier,” she pointed out, pulling out her journal and beginning to sketch the crarvings.

“Just because I'm a racist doesn't mean I can't enjoy art,” he said.

She took a long pause trying to figure out if he was being serious or not. “Are you joking?”

And

“Hey!” a voice shouted from above.

She looked up, shading her eyes with her good arm. “Hi?”

“Are you a raider?” the voice called down.

“What's a raider?” Felicity asked, flabbergasted.

“Sherrif! You should get over here, there's some weird girl covered in blood at the gate!”

20.

“Oh? Family? You're not some deranged lunatic who spawned into Tamriel with a poor haircut and a strangely lovely taste in music?” Caryalind had pushed himself up onto his elbows to look at her.

21. I don't think so...? I think what surprised me most is how terribly Bethesda's characters in Skyrim are developed, I guess? At least for the minor ones and the general factions. Too many bandits. So I gave them personalities.

22. Google docs 😔

23. Felicity punching Moriarty, no question about it.

24. Nope

25. I didn't, I guess? Just... Fell into a writer's block and then came back months later.

26. Looooots of fanart, my azure arted tag has almost all of it.

27. None in the fanfic world, but I had 2 art trades this year and that was fun! I'd love to do more in the future.

28. My friends who listened to me ramble about my characters :]]

29. Finish up Chapter 6 of TMHFIM!

30. Oughg more TMHFIM and maybe a New Vegas fic or prequel that covers Celeste? Those would be fun...

[muppet-chaos]

❤️,🎁, 📚, 💌? (as many or few as u wanna answer!)

❤️ Picking a specific line that stands out is hard. When I'm picturing my favorite parts I tend to stop breaking stuff down at scenes but the first thing that came to mind was from Not The Type To Ever Heal:

The other Michael let out a chuckle, deranged, afraid, and said, “God. I think that’s, I think I can feel your diaphragm moving, when you do that. I think that’s what that is.”

I, really love writing horror and gore and I think this moment was the peak of the horror in this fic. It got a lot of fun reactions from people too.

🎁Most of my wips rn are still in the plot bunny stage but here's a little thing I never finished from Mike4Mike month that hopefully I'll get back to eventually. I really love Ace from @solipsistful's Daemon AU for WOE.BEGONE so this was an attempt at writing something in that setting.

Something was off about Mdawg’s daemon. (Mikey had asked for his name and then immediately sworn to himself that he would forget it, it was exactly as atrocious as he should have expected from the people who happily went along with the names Mdawg and Edman. He’d accepted the name Mdawg but poor Androclese didn’t deserve to get dragged through the mud alongside him.) It wasn’t the stupid little Hawaiian shirt that Mdawg had dressed him up in. He’d gotten used to that sort of nonsense after he had to live with Michael. (And he would never admit it but it was kind of cute.)

📚 Oh god uhhh, there are so many good writers in this fandom it's genuinely difficult to choose just one or two people to recommend. @hyperfocusedcloneshipper obviously goes without saying but I'm gonna take this chance to hype up some of their fics that they don't talk about as much.

This Art Is Worth It is a Ryan/Topher/Eagle fic they wrote for our birthday last year and it is, just, insanely good. They captured all of the best things about these characters. This description is not doing it justice but if you have any interest in this kind of horny gorey goodness and you haven't read it yet please do.

Making up for lost time (non-con warning) is one of their other very few one-shot works from Mike4Mike month and its, incredibly impressive the amount of intense emotion that is packed into such a short work. I am always in awe of how they write Edgar.

I also want to take this chance to rec ProbablyNotSafeForWork they have, a ton of amazing fics (written in a surprisingly short time). Some of my favs are Of Cowboys and Princesses, a Michael/Boris feminization fic I've read a frankly absurd amount of times, and Trust is Earned, Not Given from the latest flood of a/b/o stuff in the tag.

💌 I'm not sure this is a trope exactly but I'm a sucker for 5+1 style fics, and other similar stuff. I only have the one fic strictly in that form but I have several out or in the works that are that sort of, loosely connected incidents building up to a final moment style and I just think it's a very fun format to write.

[sinofwriting]

then I get an idea/inspo and it's off to the races (get it? I think I'm so funny).

honestly very relatable, sometime one(!!) single thing sparks an idea, then the next thing you know it's on your mind 25/8 and suddenly you're writing a whole lot of something that you were absolutely not prepared for but you can't let it go bc they've latched on to your mind🐥. smiled at the joke/gen

The fic your talking about, Made For Each Other, would honestly work well for babytrapping if it wasn't for the fact that reader would happily have Max's kids with only like three months of dating under their belt, lol.

yes! i love that fic so much.(I've actually downloaded it so that i can read it no matter what even when i have no internet😊) i fear that they are too coo coo for cocoa puffs too see that as a problem (me 2🤞 but only fictionally). i could kinda see it for please oh please or maybe even private professor if they didn't immediately get married and live happily ever after(i love them so much, I'm actually tearing up). regardless, i would eat that eat up for them, they're both crazy enough that I could maybe see like a miscommunication issue and then both of them panicking about losing one another and then instantly secretly trying to 'trap' the other into being connected 4ever🤩[talking about made for each other]

idk what max fic ive written is crazier made for each other or causing problems

personally i think it's definitely made for each other!max. max was just being (kinda understandably) weirded out and then possessive + messy in causing problems. while in made for each other he literally saw that girl and said, "yeah that's the love of my life, I will do absolutely anything to make her my wife" and then rearranged everything in his life to make sure that they'd be together. also, he was just overall crazier and that was super hot {gets shot} he definitely takes the cake and there's a spot specially for him in my brain.

There will be more Ollie fics! I have a request for him and an idea of my own for him. Will probably work on one of those after this lestappen fic idea I got yesterday (the press conference was a gold mine)

yay! can't wait!!! {everyone loved that🙂‍↕️}

also, yeah! I would love a nickname💞

adding on to my previous ask, mfeo!max literally (and I quote) thought this about reader being involved with someone else b4 him "He knows that if she had been seeing someone his blood would be boiling everytime his name got brought up or even hinted at" while cproblems!max wasn't that jealous about leclerc!reader and pierre.

speaking of that quote, i would've actually loved to see what he would've done if reader had a boyfriend or was seeing someone(casually!!) while they met. (absolute deranged and unhinged behaviour no doubt) like tried to ruin the person's life or have them taken care of😊 I'm guessing.

I have so many wips (for F1) and my brain coming up with new ideas doesn't help with that. (putting the rest under read more, cause I yap)

Writing Made For Each Other was trip. I went into that and was like... I don't know how people are gonna feel about this. Very happy that you like it! You are not wrong, lol they both are crazy enough about each other that they would try and baby trap each other. Which would honestly I think read as both desperate and funny.

Rereading please, oh please, if I was to write that today, I think that the second part would include Max trying his damndest to get her pregnant, not baby trapping necessarily, but just lots of unprotected sex, hoping that it catches. Or at least him thinking about it.

And yeah you are right. Max in mfeo is crazy (it's okay though, he's cute) while Causing Problems Max is just messy. He's honestly just a guy who learned that his girlfriend/first crush/sexual awakening lost her virginity to her brother's best friend, her friend, and his former teammate... My brain makes some interesting ideas.

He's also not weirded out, just angry because he figured that whoever she lost her virginity too wasn't in her life anymore (y'know what they say about assumptions) and while he does bring up her only being 14 in Charles hotel room with everyone, he's really just using it as an excuse to be mad at Pierre. Pierre threw him a fucking lifeline unintentionally with the whole “Max, your issue with this is the age difference. And I imagine it’s worse because of Kika, yes?” Was he surprised by her being 14? Yeah, but it's established that it was because of Lorenzo and Charles being overprotective nightmares, lol.

Made For Each Other Max is a different breed, lol. I've talked about it before but I think Max in fics is the perfect candidate for love at first sight. He doesn't believe in it but then it happens and that is that. He will be getting that person.

Also this: "He knows that if she had been seeing someone his blood would be boiling every time his name got brought up or even hinted at" insane from me. That is insane behavior from me. But, yeah he is a jealous boy.

I briefly toyed when writing it with her having a boyfriend when they met, but I already had to deal with Kelly and I liked the idea of her being unattached.

But, since you brought it up, if she had... Max would have been fucking insane. She stops him from kissing her and then just a few seconds later stops him from calling Kelly to break up with her just so he can kiss her. If she been seeing someone... well she would have done the same thing but with the added,

"Max," and his name is near breathless and he doesn't know if he wants to feel her lips on his or her lips against his skin again more. "I have to break up with someone, we can't"

Green would have taken over, he'd be grabbing her hand, dragging her out of the party they were at to his hotel, the drunkness he had been feeling gone with her words, and he's texting Kelly that it's over, that he wants what little she has at his gone before he gets back in two days. And when they finally get to his hotel room, he's kissing her, slipping his fingers between her legs and then finally when he's got her on his bed, fully inside her, he'd be making her call who she's been seeing as has her break up with them while he makes her moan his name.

... so yeah it's confirmed that mfeo!Max is fucking insane. Thank you for coming to my ted talk.

Also, nicknaming you 💞 anon. I now have to find what asks are yours and go back and tag them, lol.

[thatgirlwithasquid]

I got tagged by @hg-deranged-edition (ty <3)

20 Questions for Fic Writers (& Artists)

1. How many works do you have on ao3(Tumblr)?

41 on AO3, but I think I have another 2 one-shots on Tumblr that I never got round to cross-posting

2. What's your total ao3 (Tumblr) word count?

253,123 which... wow ok neat

3. What fandoms do you write for?

A lot lmao. I organised my google drive a few months back and I have a lot of folders now hahaha. A quick count says I've started something for 24 fandoms, good lord.

The ones I've actually posted for are Stranger Things, Harry Potter, Andi Mack, Detroit: Become Human, Arcane, Encanto, The Host, and Little Nightmares

4.What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

Playing Pretend : 2,204 kudos

Severus Snape and the Burden of Responsibility : 694 kudos

Thirium Pooling in His Chest (Bleeding Different, Feeling the Same) : 511 kudos

Communication and Cuddles : 440 kudos

Not Quite Less Than Romantic : 396 kudos

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

I used to make a point to respond to every comment, but I fell out of the habit. It's something I really want to get back into doing, because I really appreciate receiving them <3

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

Either I've Been There For A While or Severus Snape and the Burden of Responsibility (I got a fair few distraught comments on the latter lol)

7. What is the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

Playing Pretend, probably. That one's just a lot of cutesy friends to lovers that I wrote in a state of sheer obsession when Encanto first came out. Or maybe To Cherish and be Cherished which is just 400 ish words of fluff

8. Do you get hate on any fics (Art)?

I've been lucky enough that people engaging with my writing have been overall really kind. I have had like 2 slightly rude comments, but I don't think that was intentional :)

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

I have! It was a challenge cause my ace brain doesn't like working that way, but I wrote a voyeurism/exhibitionism Jonathan x Jason fic. I actually feel quite happy with it.

10. Do you write crossovers? What's the craziest one you've written?

I haven't posted any, but I do have an abandoned wip in my drafts, if that counts?

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not to my knowledge

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

No, but if anyone wanted to translate my stuff I'd be perfectly happy with that.

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

No, but I am open to the idea of that. If anyone wants to co-write a fic feel free to reach out :)

14. What's your all-time favorite ship?

Cunningway!! At this point I think everyone knows lmao. I feel like I bring them up a lot, even though I am trying to not be obnoxious about them. I just love them a lot!

15. What's a wip you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

Uh, is saying 'all of them' cheating? There are so many wips in my google drive that, realistically, I'm never going to go back to. But if I had to pick one... maybe the this untitled Thomally fic I was writing?

16. What are your writing strengths?

lmao fuck if I know. Coming up with ideas, maybe? Everything else is a bit of a struggle.

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

Sustaining my ability to focus. I also feel like I struggle with balancing speech and description.

18. thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

Idk. I've done it before in Playing Pretend to match how the characters speak in the film, but I can only speak English so... I gave it a go? I don't mind reading dialogue in other languages in fic, if I need I just have google translate open to understand what's being said.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

Depends how we're looking at it. Technically WWE when I was like 7 but idk if I'd count that. The first time I wrote fanfic and was aware that was what it was would've been Andi Mack, but the first fandom I wrote for on AO3 was Little Nightmares.

20. Favorite fic you've written?

I feel like I'm most content with the writing in Thirium Pooling in His Chest (Bleeding Different, Feeling the Same) but I am probably proudest in myself for Ceramic Hearts because that fic was a real labour of love.

tagging: @half-oz-eddie @brightside-of-the-upsidedown @bigdumbbambieyes (no pressure!! hope you guys don't mind being tagged. I was really blanking on this aha)

[patrutrus]

February 23rd, 2011

Hello. I will be writing on this blog because I am researching a show called Happy Appy. One of the main reasons why I'm researching this show is because I've been fascinated with missing TV shows, episodes, and movies. Like most people who research missing episodes, I'm hell-bent on finding London after Midnight, the 108 missing Doctor Who episodes, and Him, the 1974 film where a man has a sexual obsession with Jesus. Even though I should help the search for any fragment of the missing episodes and films, I'm going to research this one series for now.

Another reason I want to research this show is because I had an experience with it around 2001. It was around eight in the morning. My younger brother, who was seven, was watching a local station during its child TV show block. After a dubbed over Blue's Clues, it started to air a show called Счастливые Яблоко, or Happy Apple. I can barely remember the episode’s plot, but it was about this apple who was trying to help a kid, named Nathaniel. It felt sort of low-budget, but since my brother liked the episode, I didn't mind him watching it. The only thing that made me dubious was this evil smile that the apple did in the middle of the episode.

From what I gathered, in the first weeks of Noggin’s existence, this "Happy Appy" show began production. Its plot was about a giant clay apple with arms, baby blue eyes, and large dark green lips being held up by a bent, rusty stick. He would go around in a white 1996 Ford Windstar helping children when they got injured. As the show kept going, the episodes started to become more unusual. For one example, Happy Appy would often stare at the viewers of the show with a deranged smile.

It’s also worth mentioning that the series slowly got more violent as the series progressed. Happy Appy was one of the shorter shows on Noggin, with every episode being 10 minutes long at the most. They played in duets, making each full episode 20 minutes long, minus commercials. A couple of months after Happy Appy aired its first episode, Nickelodeon cancelled the show, and it was never shown again on Noggin or Nick Jr. Even the much more appropriate episodes weren't shown for whatever reason. However, some parents did record the show, but they were VHS copies.

Of those said VHS copies, only a few survived through the years. Many of the tapes had been destroyed either due to neglect or disgust, or were simply misplaced and thrown out by accident. However, some copies of the show were reportedly stolen by a shadowy figure. I was one of the lucky people to own a copy of the episodes. Yesterday, when I did some winter cleaning, I found an old DVD with ‘H.A. Episodes’ written on it. I had a feeling that I knew this abbreviation from somewhere, I did some research on what the H.A. meant. My first choice was the forum about missing episodes/films that I normally go to.

When I entered the missing episode section of the forum, the first thread I saw was one named "HA? What's this?" A woman posted the thread, who had, like me, found a VHS with the initials "HA" on it. As I read the thread more, I found out that the initials on the disc stood for Happy Appy. This instantly reminded me of the weird low-budget show that I watched with my brother in 2000. In the replies, the users claimed that there are no known DVD copies around. I'm not sure how the disc got there, though. I certainly don't remember owning a disc that looked like it!

After viewing the thread, I went ahead and put it into the disk drive, hoping that it would work. Thankfully, the disc did work, and it instantly cut to the intros of the episode, no menus or anything. Happy Appy's intro song had the same tune as Mary Had a Little Lamb, and went something like this.

Happy Appy Appy App,

Happy App, Happy App

Happy Appy Appy App,

He helps kids all day! 

Happy Appy Appy App,

Happy App, Happy App

Happy Appy Appy App,

He helps kids all day!

Happy Appy Appy App,

Happy App, Happy App

Happy Appy Appy App,

He helps kids all day!

Episode 1 and 2 were called “Happy's Vacation” and “Hurt Happy”, respectively.

Happy's Vacation was exactly what you’d expect; Happy Appy goes on a vacation to the beach, heals injured kids, and even talks down a bully into not hurting a child. Hurt Happy was about Happy's stick getting broken, and the kids teaming up to help Happy Appy by giving him bandages and fruit. Nothing seemed out-of-place when I first saw it, but when I saw it a second time, the episodes looked questionably odd. When Happy was driving his van to the beach in Happy's Vacation, a few seconds skipped. At first, I ignored it, saying that it could be a scratched DVD. But when I checked the disc, it had no scratches on it whatsoever. Also, during the fruit scene in Hurt Happy, the kids gave him an apple for whatever reason. It could have been a mistake by the producers, though.

Finally, I noticed some things in Hurt Happy that looked out-of-place. In Happy's van during the intro of Happy's Vacation, there was what looked like the border of the HOPE poster, but it was so out of frame that it could have been something else. At the end of Hurt Happy, there was a news broadcast about a 9.0 earthquake that recently struck Japan. Happy responded "Oh no! If you want to help the Japanese, call this number!" and a 1-800 number appeared. I thought those were just coincidental. Well, I was wrong. Episodes 3 and 4 were stranger. The intros of these two episodes were removed, but I found out that Episode 4's name was "Nate Needs Help". This struck out to me because this was the very same episode I saw with my brother, but in English!

Episodes 3 and 4 were missing a few scenes, and, overall, more disturbing than the first two. On Episode 3 - near the 5:10 mark - is when Happy Appy does his first evil smile for 25 seconds. A scene that could send chills down anyone's spine was the Boo-boo part in "Nate Needs Help". Happy aids Nate, who has a bruise on his knee. He looks to the camera, giving off the same evil smile that I remember from 2000, and says "What does Nate need for this booboo?” For 30 seconds, he stared at the camera, motionless, with his soulless baby blue eyes locking on to anyone watching. Finally, he broke the silence by saying "That's right, a bandage!" Why did he need that long to speak, I will never know.

Also, the out-of-place objects were getting more noticeable. In Nate Needs Help, the radio plays what sounds like a country cover of "Hot and Cold", which was made in 2008 and very out-of-place for a kid's show.

[cloudie-skay]

This would have been a post befitting of Pride month but I say I can post about sexuality and gender any damn time I want. I also just want this written down somewhere

Identity is one shitty puzzle and I lost the box for it ages ago

It was easy to accept that I was nonbinary. It's one of the first things I discovered about myself when the idea of different genders and sexualities was just getting introduced to me. There were signs that even a younger me recognised. I have journal entries dating to 2016 where I referred to my as a gender-neutral person back when I thought I was inventing the term. I told my best friend I was genderfluid but then whenever they asked what pronouns I felt like that day it was always they/them. There had always been some sort of disconnect when people called me a girl that I couldn't quite pinpoint. So when I stared at the definition of nonbinary for maybe a bit too long, it all kinda clicked in place.

It was easy to accept that I was asexual. Getting rid of all the imbalanced hormones and religious trauma, there was no desire left. There was a morbid curiosity for something I was barred from really knowing about but then that was it? Catholic school really scared us into thinking we'd become deranged sex addicts if we looked at porn at all. Then came how others described how they perceived attractive people. Sometimes it came with an underlying motivation that I didn't really understand. I really went through life thinking sexual attraction was some sort of inside joke I just didn't quite get yet because I haven't had sex. Though it didn't initially occur to me that it was because I simply didn't have any sexual attraction, I figure it out eventually. At this point, I wouldn't bat an eye if it turns out I'm demisexual instead though.

Despite all these lables seeming slotting into my identity pretty neatly, it was not and still isn't easy to come to terms that I might be aromantic. To me it simultaneously doesn't make any sense and makes too much sense.

I'm a hopeless romantic, I say with emphasis on hopeless every single time. I've had crushes, I've dated people, and I have a desire for romance! Surely that means something?

But I fantasise over the most mundane things, I read fairy tales of princesses and their knights, I watched movies of people falling in love. Maybe the romance I want isn't something I could even get.

I want to love and be loved in that way. I want the intimacy and emotions you get from romantic love. I've always wanted that kind of love where you are each other's world, where you put each other over most else. I still want to be held desperately close by the person who knows me like the back of their hand, as I do them

But whenever I think of these scenarios and images, I can never really put someone there with me. There's never a solid image of someone in my life that I could fully imagine doing those act with.

The pessimistic side of me thinks I'll feel like this forever, that I'm just not built for that kind of love no matter how hard I try. And that I shouldn't pull someone through my fantasies without loving them the same way.

The desperate optimistic side of me thinks that maybe I just need to find the right person. That when I finally do, I would pour all this bottled up love on them as soon as I can. Maybe even a little scared that I'd love too intensely.

As of now, I can't piece that part of my identity and even then, I don't even know if I'd like what piece ends up fitting in that empty space. I feel like that this point, I'm avoiding finishing the puzzle because halfway in, I realised I didn't like the picture I was about to complete.

I like the parts I did put together before, and I'll probably stare at the unfinished puzzle for a while before I dare put it together fully

[triviareads]

Note: I've linked StoryGraph summaries of every book to each title.

The Duke Gets Even by Joanna Shupe

There was a lot of reasons The Duke Gets Even worked as well as it did and I can split it between the relatability factor and the hotness factor.

Because it's set in Gilded Age America, the language is definitely more accessible for first-time HR readers. Even content-wise, the heroine, Nellie, becomes a birth control advocate which comes at a... very fitting time for us here in the United States. She also harbors fears of losing herself to a man if she were to get married, all while being in that position where she's the only single in her friend group. Super relatable.

What is less relatable is just how off-the-charts the chemistry between Nellie and the Duke of Lockwood is. We know it's slowly building in the last 3 books but watching it implode is glorious. I don't know if this is a trend but Lockwood seems to written in the mold of the "new" HR hero, similar to MacLean's Duke of Clayborn, where they give and take in equal measure: sexually (in this case, a bit of pain), and perhaps they even give a little more emotionally in the beginning. They respect their heroines in that they have a deep understanding of what makes them tick, but obviously "respect" doesn't mean they aren't willing to get down and dirty. And when they do, it's GREAT.

Also, because of all the water imagery in this book, I'd recommend listening to the Moonlight soundtrack by Nicholas Britel while you read (try The Middle of the World).

Her Husband's Harlot by Grace Callaway

January has been my Grace Callaway month and I was endlessly delighted as I read every HR she's ever published. This was the first book I read by Grace (who is an Asian Canadian author btw), and it's exactly the sort of deranged nonsense I live for: a bit o' rough self-made hero elevated to the aristocracy, a genteel heroine he falls for immediately and marries, but he panics on their wedding night that the d was too big and he was an animal with her, so he goes to slake his lusts at a brothel with a harlot except, well, guess who the "harlot" is. It's great. 10/10 would recommend.

Fiona and the Enigmatic Earl by Grace Callaway

I was reaching the tail-end of my Callaway marathon when I hit this book and wow... I did not expect to be shook further by Grace. Not only did I enjoy the "investigative services for women" plot, but the couple, Fiona and Hawk, had excellent chemistry even as they ostensibly start off as having married out of "convenience".

There's too much to list but here are a few highlights: "oh no I'm too sore so mutual masturbation it is", One of the best carriage blowjob scenes, in part because he's *standing*, he performs a Clayborn (iykyk), there's a Victorian sex toy store, and there is a dungeon(s) in the toy store with an alter on which our heroine is "sacrificed".

What I Did for a Duke by Julie Anne Long

You can read the summary above⬆️ but let me take this opportunity to wax a rhapsodic on what worked for me in this book:

First, it features a hero hellbent on *revenge* for being cucked. Which is great. The *revenge* involves seducing the sister of the man who cucked him. Also great.

Listen... Alexander says some hot shit. And the reason it's hot isn't even because it's the dirtiest stuff; it's because Genevieve takes in his words and internally goes haywire, and any suggestiveness in Alex's words is not lost on her. She's a Knowing virgin, if you will. They're also usually the two smartest people in the room which makes for great dialogue suffused with barely-restrained sexual tension. Alex is also a very real hero, if that makes sense. He makes dumb jokes after having sex. He can't resist trolling his future brother-in-law. His grief is not over-the-top, but a quiet thing, and all the more moving for it.

Side note: @viscountessevie (Sahara), @jeanvanjer (Z), and I did, in fact, debate whether or not Alexander was daddy (the answer is no).

The Legend of Lyon Redmond by Julie Anne Long

The "Love at first sight" trope can easily be written in a trite, boring way, but Julie wrote it brilliantly here. The book alternated between flashbacks and present-day so we got the full picture of Lyon and Olivia's early relationship (in all its, ah, young adult glory. See: below). We also see them as older and fairly jaded and world-weary, which makes their reunion all the more moving and romantic (and hot. very hot).

It was an emotional book overall, and Z and I found ourselves crying for unexpected characters, to say the least.

The Counterfeit Scoundrel by Lorraine Heath (Releases on Feb 21st)

For the full (funny) story on how I got an early copy, see here.

This was very much a *thinking* book. Ever since I started writing as certain dark things are to be loved almost two years ago, I've always been on the look out for books that basically show that fight for women's rights neither began nor ended with suffrage. I appreciate this book because it delves into how much more difficult it was for women to be granted a divorce historically, and gives a fictionalized take on the lengths women might be willing to go to in order to get a divorce. Make no mistake, Blackwood and Daisy's relationship is very very romantic, but I think by the time I finished, I felt like the history was the main draw for me.

A Daring Pursuit by Kate Bateman

The classic familial enemies-to-lovers book. Also, it's very rare to see HR set in Wales, which I did appreciate. Anyway, "enemies" Carys (a proper Welsh name, according to Rhys Winterborne) and Tristan decide to have an affair so Carys can see what she's missing out on in the marriage bed. As it turns out, A Lot despite her thinking otherwise because of a bad first time. Obviously this gives our hero a chance to be all "he didn't do this for you??" It's all very fire-and-ice until they find themselves in over their heads with all their Feelings, especially Carys.

There is a very primal sex scene post bear-chase, and if that doesn't compel you to read this book, I don't know what will.

[deanwasalwaysbi]

I've gotta say, I find the concept of Bedlund trying to Ben-Hur Jensen absolutely hysterical. I'm just imagining Jensen getting a script and being like "Ben?? What's this? Is this gay? This seems gay????" and Ben just soothing him like a frightened horse.

Hahaha - Look it wouldn't be the first time. What is this verb we're working with? Okay. Strap in everyone. The Multi-Oscar-winning 1959 movie 'Ben Hur' had a bunch of gay subtext. The writer, the director, and the second lead actor all knew that Charlton Heston's character, Ben Hur, was gay. However, one person didn't find out until the 1990s: Charlton Heston. The consensus on set was "Don’t tell Charlton, because he’ll freak out." and when Heston found out in the ninties, freak out was exactly what he did. (x) [the movie may have gotten a reference from Misha back in season 6 (x)]

Whether this happened with Jensen on SPN depends on two things.

Was the character of Dean intentionally written as Bi and, if so, at what point did that become true?

Did anyone tell Jensen? Did he figure it out? if so, when?

I personally DO believe at this point, I really do, that Bedlund - Ben Hur'd Jensen. I think it was part of the writers room but not all of it, until it was. (Which RN I believe finally happened under Dabb.) I think Jensen wasn't in on it, until he was. So for me? I think he really was in the dark at one point. But at what point that changed? Probably only he can answer that question. and RN? He ain't talking.

In the meantime we can only look at things Jensen has said on the subject - Like this unbearably ambiguous GIF set from @nikadd. Was this tongue in cheek? Legitimate ignorance? You're killing me, Jensen. That cheeky lil smile, Jensen. Nvm - I'm going to kill you instead. It's for my own survival. No hard feelings right? You understand.

UH OH HERE COMES A CUT TO HIDE A LONG DERANGED POST...

We can look at the text for number 1 - and I do that uh - a lot - see the blog name #Dean Was Always Bi

For number 2 we can look over some points when we got clues from what Jensen thought was going on [regardless of whether they make sense based on his jacting or directorial choices I guess] and get left wondering whether at any point he felt pressured to lie for his career, for self protection, or to protect the narrative from the network: 

2010 - 'We're missing the gay angel' (x) (Season 5 gag reel) (x) “Sorry man, not what the show’s about.” Jared: One of the good and bads about playing the straight [non-comedic] character on the show… Jensen: What wait? I’ve been playing him so wrong

2012 / S8 - Trenchcoat - Jensen talking about how sometimes they change the lines because they're way too gay. Calls Cas a third brother

2012 - "What's Destiel?" Ben Edlund: That’s some weird shit. Jensen: Is this something that you created, Ben? Ben: You don’t want any part of that.

“Don’t ruin it for everyone now” “I still don’t know what the question was. I’m going to pretend I don’t know what the question was.”

2013 @ JIB, re Dean’s reaction to Aaron’s flirting in the season 8 episode Everybody Hates Hitler,  (x)

“And the scene wasn’t written to be that kind of - I mean - It was written to be awkward.  Ben Edlund wrote the - my favorite line in that scene was ‘carry on . citizen’ that was - I almost couldn’t say that with a straight face I was laughing so hard.  But it was - you know - it was comedy. It was a comedic moment in the show and fortunately Dean gets a lot of the comedic moments in the show and it was just, you know, Ben was poking fun at the fact that - you know, how can we make this very kind of manly, heterosexual guy uncomfortable - uh -you know, or  or have him back on his heels and throw him off his game a little bit.”

The thing is - Bedlund and Phil Sgriccia made very clear on the commentary track that THEY saw this scene as a 'romantic comedy kind of fluster' "This potential for love in all places."

Ben Edlund calling the writer’s room a boy’s club in 2013 (x)

Misha Collins telling Destiel fans they aren’t Crazy in 2013 after some executives said they were (x).

2014 Jensen says he was glad there wasn’t much Dean and Cas in season 9  - HA Hah HAH (x)

“I think the whole Cas and Dean thing has gotten out of hand”  “I don’t think there’s anything secret to their relationship even though a lot of people wish there was” REMINDER - that season we got the nightstands acknowledgement and “play him like a jilted lover” and the “he dumped me James” cut and -

I certainly know that Misha and I don’t play that. SIGH. they Ben Hur'd Jensen.

2014 - the fan fiction joke - 10.05

“I didn’t have a positive reaction, The first time in I think 200 scripts I went and sat down in the showrunners office and said, ‘What in god’s name are you doing?! Why? I need to understand why this is happening.’” “[Carver] gave very eloquent answers and did a great job of explaining why we were doing what we were doing, I guess I had been aware of this ‘fan fiction’ for a while and I felt like maybe if I ignored it, it would eventually go away. When I read it in the script that is what I do for a living and is my work—I’m very protective of these characters and the story and I think we have a right to be—I wasn’t angry. I just wanted to understand why and what was the message we were ultimately sending with this script and story. By the end of it, I felt good and it gave me all the confidence I needed. It was better than I could have ever hoped.”

But then there's Jensen in 2015 talking about all of Dean’s bromances. (x)  [gifs at the top] Could go either way - starting to figure it out? or No?

What had changed if anything? the entire Crowely season 10 story line?  This was July 2015 - the same day as the SDCC 2015 panel where Misha talked about Destiel   (x @ 13) Carver and Dabb were there - 

By this time Jensen and Misha were nominated for a teen choice award for best chemistry against various tv couples (and one ensemble cast, but the award nomination did NOT include Jared) .... Misha and Jensen would go on to WIN this award one month after the panel.

At the Panel Rob and Rich ask the question: “You two have branded yourselves as TV’s greatest team since, ... idk who.... Ernie and Bert so.”  [Misha says to Jensen & Jared, half not on the microphone: “I really didn’t expect them to throw us under the bus.”] “are we going to see that continue? Is the Castiel Dean relationship still aflutter and still growing as we move into season 11?”  Jeremy Carver: “Ish.” [mocking from panel ensues] “Yes. Of course. I mean Yeah. Absolutely. Yeah. There’s no doubt.”

Jensen Directs 11x03 and the choreo mimics Goodbye stranger (x)

2016 - Jensen: Dean could have a huntress, but you’d kill her.

Jan 2017 Con the infamous - no hedge - harsh - “Destiel doesn’t exist.” (x)

I would hope that if he knew he wouldn’t have been so harsh with it.  So by that point either he still didn’t know - OR - to him ‘Destiel’ was specifically about internet porn/sex and not like - the potential for feelings / a relationship.  It makes me think about something Misha had actually said, around 2013, “It’s called ‘Destiel’ and it’s about the romantic interludes between Dean and Castiel.” (x)

2017 - jib8 Jensen called Dean a lover of the ladies

May 2017 - After filming the end of season 12:

2018 - Misha confirms he and Jensen have talked about Destiel (x) - also 2018: The Bisexual Dean essay "? No." (Oh god was this really this recent?! I can't deal with this.)

Well. SOMETHING happened in 2019. cuz here it comes

2019 - "Dean has no taste, clearly." 2019 - 'So, tell us just a little bit about what you're most excited to tackle with your character this final season.' "Cas. Just like a full football form tackle."

Look at this face he gave Dean when Cas told him he loved him and tell me he wasn't playing into it here. You can't. (x)

[parkitaco]

You mentioning you forgot about a fic you wrote made me giggle so i thought it would be fun to name my favorite stories of your and see if there are any others you’ve forgotten about 😂 my favorites in no particular order:

you were bigger than the whole sky (except this one, this is my absolute favorite story of yours and is easily in my list of top 10 fics i’ve ever read)

meet me in the afterglow

if the world was ending

the gaps and the silence

would it really kill you if we kissed

smoke signals

you had me for a minute there

can i ask you a question (i actually imagine this as a sequel to Undertow by beansie in a way lol)

that funny feeling

God i thank you so much for your gifts and stories parker. You’re such a talented writer

ohh my goodness first off thank you so much?? i'm so glad you like my stories <33

you were bigger than the whole sky - my baby my brainchild the scariest thing i've ever done (hyperbole but still)

meet me in the afterglow - this one i haven't reread in Months bc every time i do i see like fifty ways i could have written it better but. thank u for reading and appreciating it anyway <33

if the world was ending - ok actually i Did forget this one existed. mainly bc it was word vomit that i wrote in like an hour tops, posted, and never looked back but !! yay!!

the gaps and the silence - my Other baby brainchild literally fifty percent pre s4 byler dynamic and fifty percent Oh God Oh Fuck My Emotions. i didn't expect it to read all that well or coherent or anything but apparently people like my deranged emotional word vomit

would it really kill you if we kissed - yes i remember this one but Barely. that one was chaos and i rearranged all the scenes like 12 times but. here we are

smoke signals - sad mike wheeler my beloved. and also me fr

you had me for a minute there - literally the most ooc thing i've ever written but also so so fun to write

can i ask you a question - sort of like the gaps in the silence in that i was like. ok let's pick apart byler's relationship under a microscope. duffers let them talk through it bastards. (and undertow sequel are you kidding?? as if i could ever match the genius that is @byeler beansie truly the fic author of all time)

that funny feeling - ok this one i am proud of. worked on this for like two days straight tried so so hard to get the idiot mike internal dialogue right and if i'm allowed to brag about myself for a second i would say i kinda nailed it actually

thank u for reminding me of these!! i hadn't Forgotten per se but a lot of these are old and i'd left them in the back of my brain and it's crazy to me that there are people still out there appreciating them when i've like. not moved on but moved forward yknow??

[itsbenedict]

Earlier I started posting about the games I played this year, and now here's the rest of them!

Rogue Legacy 2

This one's still in early access, but I've seen most of what it has to offer so far. If you played the first Rogue Legacy, it's more of that- bigger, with more classes and spells and locations, and a new Relics system that gives a little bit of upgrade progression-type stuff to each run. I like it!

If you haven't played the first Rogue Legacy- it's a roguelite platformer! You go through a spooky castle fighting enemies and also smashing every single piece of furniture you see just in case gold coins are hiding inside. When you die, your descendant picks up where you left off, and can use your inherited gold coins to buy upgrades and unlock more stuff. Also, this time it appears to have a story! The ending's not in yet, but it's reasonably interesting so far.

Psycholonials

Jegus fucking christ. What a thing this was! It sure... was a thing!

If you don't know, Psycholonials is a visual novel created by Andrew Hussie, creator of Homestuck- the first properly non-Homestuck thing he's done in ages. I was excited to find out what he'd been sitting on for so long, and...

Uh. How do I describe Psycholonials? It's... it escalates. It does the thing Homestuck and Problem Sleuth do where it starts out simple, and then sort of unfolds fractally into this insane clusterfuck that's constantly upping the stakes and getting increasingly deranged in a way that technically follows entirely logically from what came before.

Where Psycholonials is interesting is in that it... doesn't use game mechanics or space magic or whatever to drive that escalation, for the most part. It is... I would not in a million years call it realistic, because the events of the story are a psychotic doomer fever dream with a tenuous grasp on human reality, but it at least purports to take place on Earth, with events driven by human action in our modern world. There's some weird plausibly-deniable meta space magic stuff in there, but it could be plausibly written off as a delusion.

I don't think I, like, agree with most of what it's saying, but it sure is saying some stuff! In a really unique way! It's worth experiencing, at least.

(soundtrack's kinda weak though. lot of very pretty piano compositions but the very pretty piano compositions really do not work as emotional backdrop for most of these moments. idk if the inappropriate musical accompaniment was supposed to be making a statement or what, but i don't think it worked.)

Monster Train

Eesh. Okay, so- it's a roguelike deckbuilder, all the rage these days. Very pretty art. Very fun, mostly very well-balanced except the DLC goes the "okay now pump the difficulty up insanely so that only one strategy actually works and fuck you if you want to have fun" route. Polished and enjoyable and...

...and I got seriously addicted and wasted way way way too much time on it. Like a month of my life doing nothing else with my free time. I don't know exactly what the special sauce is that makes it do that, but I had to uninstall- this one's dangerous.

The Witch & The 66 Mushrooms

A short and sweet retro-styled metroidvania platformer. Not too much to say about it- it's cute, it's fun, there's a handful of really annoying challenges you have to do for 100% completion and the good ending- but overall, a pretty breezy experience. Took me about 3 hours to beat 95% of and another 3 hours to beat the last 5% of.

Deltarune (chapter 2)

If you've been holding off on Deltarune because it's not complete: that's valid, but each chapter is a mostly contained story so far- they're more like individual short games, at least for the two chapters that are out. Chapter 2 is hysterical, featuring a new main antagonist who is an evil cyborg queen that learned about humanity Lightners from the internet, and who is just the best. There's also a second [𝙴𝚇𝙲𝙻𝚄𝚂𝙸𝚅𝙴! $𝟷𝟿.𝟿𝟿 𝚟𝚊𝚕𝚞𝚎] antagonist who is apparently [𝐕𝐞𝐫𝐲 𝐏𝐨𝐩𝐮𝐥𝐚𝐫] lately, but he's not as good as the main attraction and very best cyber-tyrant.

-

That's everything I finished in 2021, but there's a few things I've sunk a lot of time into that are worthy of a mention, even though I'm not quite done with them yet.

Eastward

Holy damn, this game is gorgeous. It's like... every inch of this world is custom pixelart, made by someone who clearly loves doing pixelart, because there's no other reason there'd be this damn much of it. Every background NPC has a name and a character design, no reused generic townsfolk assets. Every building in every area- even if it's just there for decoration and the door is locked- is a custom piece packed with little details. You only see, like, tilesets and reused art in wilderness or dungeon areas where the terrain needs to be legible for combat and puzzle-solving- otherwise the whole game is just a work of art.

(the gameplay is very simplistic and the movement controls seem a little awkward considering how polished the rest of it is- it recommends a gamepad but the way aiming works I suspect it works better with mouse and keyboard. combat is serviceable but the art and story are the real draw.)

I'm only about halfway through it right now, so I don't know where the story is going exactly, but there sure is a lot of it- it's a very story-focused thing, following an old man and his surrogate daughter as they're forced to flee their lives in a Jiha Village-esque subterranean mining colony and adventure throughout a colorful world being menaced by some sort of ancient apocalyptic threat. I'm excited to see where it goes!

Trails to Azure

Trails from Zero and Trails to Azure (Zero no Kiseki and Ao no Kiseki) are a couple JRPGs in the Trails series that were never localized in the west- they skipped right from Trails in the Sky to Trails of Cold Steel. A fan organization called Geofront took it upon themselves to do full translation projects for the games, so I finally got to fill in that gap. (The fan translations have actually recently been taken down, though- because the Geofront actually got approached by NIS to partner in officially localizing the games, with the bulk of the work already being done- the fan translation patch is now going to be the official release, whenever that comes out.)

Anyway, the duology takes place in Crossbell this time- unlike the other Trails games, which have you journeying across a whole nation, Crossbell is a single city (plus a couple outlying villages), brought to life in exquisite detail. The Trails series is hard to localize because there's so much dialogue- every NPC in these games is a character with a name and face and little story arc of their own, developing over the course of a long story where each NPC has new dialogue every time the plot advances fractionally. Crossbell feels real- it makes me feel disappointed that I can't like, actually buy a plane ticket to go visit it. I can't ever visit Morges Bakery in real life! That feels so unjust!

I've finished Zero and I'm on the final chapter of Azure right now- and man, Azure is definitely the best of the second-entry Trails games. Usually the first game in a pair introduces a setting and characters, and then in the second game you stay in the same setting with the same characters while Mysterious Badguy Organization "Ouroboros" does an evil supermagic JRPG plot that makes no sense. Azure does keep the same setting and characters, but this time the plot feels properly foreshadowed and the big twists earned. (A lot of the weaker stuff in Cold Steel feels in retrospect like it was blindly aping a lot of the stuff that succeeded in the Crossbell games.)

Anyway, the fun combat, good writing, and great soundtrack mean it'll be a solid rec when it gets officially rereleased in, uh, 2023 apparently. Glad I got in early!

Raft

It's a survival-crafting game like so many others, except instead of a big empty asset flip wilderness, you're on a raft drifting through the wreckage of an apocalyptic flood that destroyed civilization. The basic loop of "reel in trash" -> "expand raft" is pretty satisfying, and the islands you can visit to progress the story have some pretty fun things going on. I'm waiting to play it in a group with some friends before I finish it.

Inscryption

It's a roguelike deckbuilder! ...At first. It's a horror game, too, where you're playing across a table from some sort of shadowy horror that has a sort of obsession with hunting and survivalism and kill-or-be-killed. If that were all it was, it'd be pretty good- the card game itself is strategically compelling and has a lot of fun synergies and unique challenges.

But it's by the same guy who made Pony Island and The Hex, so you know shit is gonna get weird and meta. I'm only like a third of the way through the game (I've reached "act 2", which is- like, cool for what it's doing, but less fun so far) and I don't know entirely where it's going, but it's definitely doing a lot of fun creepypasta shit. Zero is constantly on my ass to finish it already so he can talk spoilers with me, so I know it's good.

The Outer Wilds

You are a space alien who lives on a tiny planet. You have a spaceship that lets you fly around your solar system. The fucking sun keeps exploding and you have to timeloop back to 20 minutes before the sun explodes, to figure out why the sun keeps exploding and how to stop it from exploding so much.

It's a really unique experience- it's a spaceflight exploration game where you have to hunt down secrets and hints across an open world of planets with different gravity and exotic properties, many of which will kill you stone dead and send you back to the beginning. Your progress is measured in information gained, as you traverse the world and uncover ancient ruins and mysterious facilities and precursor aliens and quantum magic and all kinds of mind-blowing stuff.

I'm currently kind of stuck, having exhausted most of my leads and my best remaining lead probably being somewhere deep inside a horrifying MC Escher-ass nest of jumpscare space anglerfish, but I'm sure I'll work up the courage to go back in there and finish the game someday.