#this is the beginning of Sirius' mental health arc

[dyl-z]

174 | 175

cw: depression, negative thoughts toward oneself

[greenerteacups]

What do you think of Tonks and Remus? Wrong answers only 😒. No really, I mean he was older than her and he didn’t seem to love her half as much as she loved him. What are your theories, canon-fitted and otherwise, on their relationship? Do you think he used her?

Oh, they're beards! Next question.

I appreciate the prompt, because you've handed me a shiny free pass to go on a rant I've been holding in since reading Half-Blood Prince. Taking my preferences aside, I don't think he used Tonks, although I think the age gap ads a really unnecessary layer of skeeze to their relationship. To be clear: I like Remus with Sirius, but I don't need them to end up together to be happy. I just don't see why it's Tonks. We don't see their natural chemistry; there's no scenes of banter, I don't know what she likes about him or vice versa. I do know that she's desperately in love with him after Order of the Phoenix, and he... isn't, honestly. Or at least, he doesn't act like he's in love with her. I'm not saying this just to shit on Remus and Tonks; I'm saying this because if I did ship Remus and Tonks, I would be mad as hell at how hard I got short shifted in Book 6! I would not have been fed! That is not a romance arc! Which makes me think, you know, okay, then why are we here? Why is it this woman, i Ask Thee, Remus Lupin, whom you have decided to marry, even though you frankly have more chemistry with Severus Snape? Or, to reframe from an authorial perspective: the HP world is wide open, someone from childhood could walk back into his life, or someone from another school, or you can introduce another Marauders-Era character, or you can just come up with someone from whole cloth — why is it Tonks?

But then I thought: Tonks is intriguingly similar to Sirius in several ways. She's a disgraced Black, she's charming and charismatic, she's a skilled fighter, she's a jokester, she's generally kind and doesn't take herself seriously, she's a shapeshifter. There's a line in OOTP that says she never made prefect because she didn't have "the temperament," which suggests she might've been a troublemaker (not hard to believe). As someone who ships him with Sirius, and believes that their relationship is at least a little bit coded romantic, that all reads like Something to me. But even for strictly canonical purposes, those similarities are still hard to ignore, especially since Tonks begins pursuing Remus in the same year as Sirius dies. So it's a handful of months after he watches his last childhood friend get murdered that Remus is deflecting her advances, meanwhile he's in the middle of fighting a war, meanwhile everyone in his life is pushing them to get together Because Love or whatever the fuck, @ Molly, @ McGonagall for some reason, and it's not hard to imagine that he just... gives in.

He's lonely, he's scared, and here's this person who reminds him of his friend and is willing to freely give him affection and care, and like... to be real? I don't think Remus believes he's going to live that long past Sirius's death, anyway. He's talking about giving Tonks children, but that's stuff he says to her when he's trying to deter her from pursuing him; when he talks about himself, he uses a lot of words like "damaged" and "broken" and "[not] whole." Added to the fact that the First and Second Wars are both very bloody and he's an active fighter in several notable battles; added to the fact that if he's caught, his lycanthropy means he's a target for killing, since taking a werewolf prisoner is the kind of smart move that begs to lose wars; added to the fact that he's been undercover with werewolves for part of this year, which, though we don't hear about it outright, is obviously a move to isolate himself from his friends and cannot do good things for his mental health; all these things point to him being in a Very Dark Place during HBP, and puts him in a headspace where he might marry Tonks essentially to make her happy, because he can always console himself that she'll end up a widow and be free to go live her life after the war.

Is that using her? Yeah, I guess, in that he's entering the relationship on slightly less sincere terms than she is, and I think what he's getting out of it is much more basic and unsentimental than what she's getting; but in his defense, Tonks has sort of marshaled the Order of the Phoenix behind her on this, and we also don't see that she altogether... cares if he's in it for her? He rejects her like, twice at minimum, and she keeps pushing, which is— like, girl, do you honestly want to be in a relationship with someone who's rejected you twice? Who you had to badger into giving you the time of day? Why? We don't know; she just wants him. Which, again, is a very 23-year-old thing to do: it's object-oriented, it's not based in compatibility or long-term happiness or even mutual affection. She's acting like someone who hasn't been in a relationship before. Which, by the way, she might not have been! She's 23!!

Whether or not the Age Gap implies mistreatment, I don't really think it does; I mean, it is a Not Great Situation, and if I were Tonks's friend I would be yelling at her very loudly about why she should wait to date someone that much older than her, but Tonks is an adult. The fact that Remus was already at Hogwarts when she was born carries a certain squick factor (YMMV) but ultimately it's not accompanied by evidence of mistreatment or manipulation on his part. This is helped by the fact that we never (ever! at all!) see Remus pursue or flirt with Tonks, or give her any encouragement, which means their relationship feels DOA for a lot of readers, but also means that the element of older-man-seduces-younger-woman is nowhere in their relationship.

(That being said, while I've been trying to humanize/rationalize Remus's decision, he's still responsible for it. He's a grown ass man, and whom he dates is his choice. It doesn't matter if Molly Weasley's being annoying about it. You're 35. Act like a grownup. Don't date 23-year-olds.)

Tonks is a much less thorny case, because she's younger, and the books are more sympathetic to her. Plus, I mean, seriously: if you're a freshly-minted college-age guerrilla soldier in a horribly traumatizing war, probably haven't been on a date in a while, you've Been Busy, and this hot 30-something war veteran comes around a lot and laughs at your jokes, then — yeah! Girl, I get it! I'm on board with Tonks having a crush on Remus because it could have been a springboard for all sorts of ruminating about age, and power, and "want you" vs. "want to be you," and the social allure of older men, with all the potential for manipulation that opens up. None of that was explored, but that's a problem of execution, not concept.

In conclusion, I like Tonks a lot, and I think she's a pretty realistic rendition of a young woman in her early twenties who, like all young twenty-somethings, is exercising her inalienable right to make stupid-ass decisions and fuck up her love life. I will defend her for that seven days a week. I will not, however, defend the authorial choice to make everyone in her life complicit in that bad decision.

[aidanchaser]

Character Profile: Remus John Lupin Canon: friends with James, Sirius, and Peter; Gryffindor prefect; excellent in Defense Against the Dark Arts; a patient professor; loved Tonks; a werewolf AU: Remus' character arc has always been the most clear to me. I knew what I would do with Remus before I knew what I would do with Harry or Regulus or anyone else. You can see the beginnings of his arc as early as Chapter 4 of Philosopher's Stone when he and Lily see Hagrid out.

Lily and Remus walked Hagrid to the door, and Harry went to wait for everyone in the parlor. He heard a quiet conversation between Lily and Uncle Remus, but only the tail end of it, "I understand, Lily —" and her response of, "But you shouldn't. That's what we want you to understand."

I didn't talk about the criticism I've received for how I write Lily (some of it very valid), but I do want to touch one piece of criticism I have gotten about Remus, which is often something along the lines of, "If James and Lily and Sirius all survived, and stayed with him through adulthood, Remus wouldn't hate himself so much."

I did take that thought into account when I began the series. I thought heavily about who Remus is when he is not alone, when he is established in a community, when he has people who can look out for him. I thought about my own mental health, and how that doesn't go away just because I have good friends. I thought about how injustice doesn't go away, even if your closest friends stand with you. I thought about how we internalize oppression, and since I'm writing this post fresh out of a conference on combating systemic injustice and teaching students to recognize and fight oppression, those ideas are all very present in my mind. I kept Remus' self-loathing because it made sense to me that it would persist, despite his friends.

All of Remus' conversations with Sirius and Tonks echo this deeply rooted self-loathing, and I think understanding the depth of those roots is key to understanding Remus. I had never planned on bringing Lyall Lupin into Deathly Hallows, and I don't know when exactly it occurred to me that I should, but I am so glad that I did because that truly is how deep these roots go. We pass on our fears and hate to our children so easily, no matter how much we might try not to, might try to hide them, children know. If we truly want to change the future, we have to change ourselves.

This is an everyone lives AU, so, spoiler, Remus lives. But what is so key to Remus living is that he gets to grow and work through both his understanding of himself and his relationship with the Wizarding World. And if he can't heal himself, he will pass on the same faults to his children, just as his father passed that internalized fear and hatred onto him.

Which brings us to Teddy and Tonks. I always knew that Teddy would exist. He had to. So I knew that Remus would end up with Tonks. I waffled for a while on what I would do with Sirius, and, honestly, Sirius' conclusion has changed several times just in the few months I have been writing Deathly Hallows. I won't say more on it, but I hope people trust me to be as delicate and kind with Sirius' character as I have been with Remus' development.

There were originally notes for Teddy to be a werewolf, or for Remus and Tonks to have a second child who was a werewolf. It always pained me to watch Remus agonize over his unborn child being like him, and for that fear to be unrealized in such a complete way... But, as terrible as werewolfism as a metaphor for HIV is, I want to honor at the bare minimum Remus' realness as an outcast with a very specific curse that has such limited treatment. With that in mind, I could find no known case of someone with HIV fathering (for lack of an ungendered word) a child with HIV. So I will find another way for Remus' growth beyond his father's mistakes to be realized in the end of Deathly Hallows.

I don't want to say much more on Remus' growth and development, because a lot of that will be coming on June 5, when I release Chapter 11, and I want to let that chapter speak for itself.

The last note I do want to make is, as I did for all the Marauders (and Lily), I gave Remus pieces of myself. My own self-loathing and depression is so present in Remus, my absolute worst days go to him (and to Sirius, but in a different way). The thoughts where I feel utterly hopeless and overwhelmed and unworthy are the thoughts I have given to Remus. The coping mechanisms, the friendships that have uplifted me through that, and the conversations I have with my dear friends are the foundation of Remus' relationship with the Marauders. I only hope that bit of myself and my world that I give to them brings them to life in your mind.

Character Notes: friends with Firenze; once had a conversation about death with Sir Nick Remadora: First he was amused, then impressed, then smitten

Addendum: I forgot how meager Remus' notes were. I don't know that I will ever get to touch on the relationship I imagined for Remus and Firenze, nor Remus and Nearly Headless Nick. I had always imagined that both had lengthy conversations with Remus following the death of his mother and helped him grieve during a time when he did not feel able to turn to any of his friends. I always wanted to do more with Firenze, who would have an entirely different relationship with Remus' furry little problem, and probably would have been even better at helping Remus understand himself and trust himself than James and Sirius. But I am not sure it will come up.

Trust me, it is not lost on me that I am writing this fic to expand on a universe I felt was so unexplored, and here I am, failing to explore all that I want to explore.

[lovehaswonangelnumbers]

New Post has been published on https://lovehaswonangelnumbers.org/88-stargate-sirius-rising-2019/

8:8 Stargate - Sirius Rising 2019

8:8 Stargate – Sirius Rising 2019

By Gillian Macbeth-Louthan

As the energies of the summer light heighten and grow like an un-mowed weed, we are escorted to a new conjunction of time and im-possibilities. We are asked to expand our horizons and expectations and our ability to receive. We are asked to become more, to do more, to see more, and to be more. Our gifts that come on the winds of change escort us into new understandings of how we are to boost our innate abilities. You are commander and chief of your cellular content; you are a directional for human consciousness. Your body seeks your direction and wisdom. Place this newly freed power/energy/light/ into any section of your life that needs and extra boost. It is pure energy, spend it well.

As we round the corner into the den of the Lioness in the month of Leo, we find ourselves face to face with our ancient future and our past.  Reflections in our world mirror our inner needs on all levels bringing to the surface all that has been buried alive. Emanations from the light behind the sun rearrange our brain waves, readjusting the thinking patterns that have kept us hostage in an elliptical orbit. The blue light from the star Sirius shines down onto all of our choices.  Stellar gateways open conduits are created.  Everything we do or do not do will be felt in all sections of the universe.

It is time for the solar lion to rise from her enigmatic posture of guardian and unleash what has been subjugated to human restriction.  A full positioning of this event transpires within the secret chamber of the left hemisphere of the brain for females and the right hemisphere of the brain for males.  Like an unexpected tsunami the ocean floor parts to release a surge and clear the mental shorelines of self.  Emanations from the stars reach down to work there healing magic upon all of us.  The light behind our Sun lifts her skirt exposing her stellar body for all to see. The dance of the seven veils of eternal time cleverly keeps most concealed. 

On August 8, a living power will once again move into material form.  Like a cool breeze on a hot day just allow the solar emanations to encircle you without trying to corral them and tie them down.  The 8:8 is symbolic of the human DNA.  The star Sirius rises every midsummer this rising is associated with new thought, new light, and new beginnings.  It rises before the sun purposefully after being in stellar hiding for about 70 days.  Sirius houses the Great White Brotherhood, the Lemurian Elders and the Christ Consciousness. As the sun sends forth her rays of clarity a personal and planetary sonic boom is heard throughout the land. 

Explosions of the old are atomic as they are cast off the old paradigm like dust in a dirt devil.  Truth unfolds itself to be seen in the long and short of it, Narrating a new bedtime story that can only be learned by heart.  Sleep beckons but the energy shouts so loud and is so demanding that sleep is short and not so sweet.

As the vibrations of the 8:8 Stargate is birthed the human body bucks at the thought of housing more light, downloading more encodings, or receiving any more truths. What was once hidden is seen, what was once seen is changed.  The eyes of the soul see with a new clarity redefining what was once considered dark.  The overlapping of the two suns creates a portal  for all to enter or exit depending upon choice.The tiredness comes to slow down the body and the ancient angers that stir in the emotional layer. The gravitational pull has increased as earth begins a new evolutionary spin.  Centrifugal force fails as all that was within the spinning bucket falls changing scientific truths to a point beyond confusion.

Sirius Rising 2019

The heliacal rising of a star occurs when it first becomes visible above the eastern horizon, for a single moment just before sunrise.  Each day after the heliacal rising, the star will rise slightly earlier and remain visible for longer before the light from the rising sun makes it disappear. The same star will reappear in the eastern sky at dawn approximately one year after its previous heliacal rising. Because the heliacal rising depends on the observation of the object, its exact timing can be dependent on weather conditions.

Sirius rising is different for every latitude, for the Smokey mts of Tennessee, it is on 8:8 this year. this date is a powerful doorway of unequaled opportunity to swim forward into a place of understanding your divine light skills. 

Sirius has been honored since ancient times. In Atlantis, the mysteries were created on information received from the Sirian Star Masters. After the third fall of Atlantis, the Sirian mysteries spread into ancient Egypt. As early as 3000 BC the Egyptians started celebrating the helical rising of the star Sirius declaring this the New Year as the Nile flooded its banks in the time of the great lion, in the month of Leo.

Sirius is the home of Cosmic Christ for this entire Galaxy. It has ‘always’ been a spiritual prototype for Earth.  As the rays from Sirius arc onto earth via the sun, we have another opportunity to activate the Cosmic Christ seed within. The little solar jewels that are dormant DNA encodings, wait for stellar emanations to open sealed cellular files. When Sirius rises in your part of the world go out before dawn and look to the east. Whether cloudy or dark seen or unseen, the star Sirius will rise to meet you energetically. It is in the quiet times in-between words and thoughts that you will find the key that unlocks what has been sealed until now. Go outside, face east, and allow the pre-dawn energies to enter you. Ask to be released of all that no longer serves you and be filled in completion with that which serves your highest soul path and spiritual evolution.

Visualize the emanations and radiance of Sirius coming forth into your earth Heart from your star heart. Sirius gives you the gift of the ‘cycles of Time’, reconnectingall sacred spaces through time and space, on and off planet. The tone of creation sounds in every cell of your body on earth and cycles through all 144 levels of your light body. Without humans, the light from deep space, far off galaxies and event horizons would just continue to travel endlessly without ever stopping to gather and share the teachings and truths from other places of time and space. Light needs you as much as you need light; you are a receiving vessel.

This August 8, 2019 before the star Sirius rises, the winged messenger planet Mercury will make a morning appearance, escorting brilliant Sirius just before sunrise.  For Dandridge Tennessee latitude this would be August 8, 2019.  For locations farther south, this occurs days earlier and later for latitudes farther north. Go to this link for your actual date of Sirius rising per your latitude. 

Start looking for Mercury and Sirius about 30 minutes before sunrise.  A binocular may help in viewing them.  Mercury is low in the east-northeast, about 10 degrees up.  Sirius is very low, in the east-southeast about 3 degrees up when first visible.  Sirius may twinkle wildly this low in the sky.Sirius, the Dog Star, is sometimes called the Nile Star because of its heliacal rising coincided with the flooding of the Nile River.  The first sighting of Sirius and its association with the rebirth of the Nile was so important that its heliacal rising marked the start of the Egyptian calendar year. Heliacal relates to the star’s proximity to the Sun. in the ancient past, Sirius made its first appearance in early July as seen from the ancient capital of Memphis, but due to the precession of the equinoxes, the star now rises in early August.

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[mikeyd1986]

MIKEY’S PERSONAL BLOG 61, July 2017

On Monday morning, I had my Strength Training session with Luke Davey at Breakaway Fitness in Berwick. I spent the weekend replaying the events that happened on Friday over and over inside my head. I even went down the rabbit hole of possibly quitting and thought about the worst case scenario...that Luke wouldn’t want to train me again. But these thoughts were all irrational and highly unlikely. Today I reminded myself that most of my anxiety and fear is all in my head and that everything was going to be okay. Breathe. Take your time. Do your best. Be proud of your achievements. Don’t be so hard on yourself.

WARM-UP...Today I began my session by doing 3 rounds of 10 single arm rows on the bench with a 15-20kg barbell and doing some stretches with the resistance band. I didn’t really say much during this as I was concentrating really hard on doing well today. Plus I was trying to get comfortable with the awkward silence.

DEVELOPMENT...Back to the bench press, this time with 10 reps of controlled ring rows thrown in between each set of lifts. I did 5 rounds of 3 reps today. I was a little shaky at the start and found it difficult keeping the bar straight but I slowly improved over time. Luke made sure I was activating the various muscle groups whilst lifting and lowering the bar. For example, turning my feet out wide, keeping the elbows in close to my body and pulling the bar apart with my hands.

WORKOUT...Today’s workout was another tough one again. A 12 minute AMRAP which included a farmer’s carry, 20 pushups and 15 wall balls. I kept repeating a mantra to myself to keep me focused (Don’t let the mind (mental illness) win!). That’s what messed me up last Friday. But today I had it and I was determined not to give up.

Denee, Kane and Michelle were all up the other end of the green running track and acted like a cheer squad of sorts, encouraging me during the workout. It actually really helped me a lot. The push ups were easily the toughest, even doing them on my knees, but I was determined to get them done. I still need to work on catching the wall balls better but I’ll get there. The fatigue made it difficult to do decent reps. I ended up completing 3.5 rounds in total.

After my session, I actually bumped into my old high school friend Nicole who I haven’t seen in about 10 years or so. Very much a small world. It’s nice when you see familiar faces from the past and you end up crossing paths like that.

I’ve really learned a lot today in terms of my own personal development and things I still need to work on mentally and emotionally. I really took all of Luke’s feedback on board, the positive and the negative. I have to remind myself that he’s not criticising my technique or my movements to put me down or to make me feel like shit. He wants me to improve. He wants me to get better. And today it really showed. I gave it everything I had and I felt a lot better about myself because of it. https://www.facebook.com/breakawayf...

On Monday night, I had my Foundation Meditation course at Brahma Kumaris Centre for Spiritual Learning, The Peninsula in Frankston South. Being my second week at BK, I was beginning to feel a little more comfortable setting foot into the building. At least I knew where to go this time. The turnout was significantly less than last time, possibly because of the weather or perhaps Angie scared them away after last week.

Tonight, we focused on the concept of the physical body (human) being separate from the soul (being). It really took me a while to process this as I’m still very much a “fence sitter” which an open mind towards Spirituality. The being part is the spark that gives the physical body life and energy. The “third eye point”, located between the eyebrows, is where the soul sits in the body.

The next part however was even more difficult to wrap my head around, only because I’ve been brought up in a Western society. Most people see themselves from a body conscious perspective e.g. I am this age, this gender, this race. When the soul leaves the body, it goes into another body. Therefore, we are eternal beings with no ending or beginning. We have simply always existed. If I am a soul, I have original qualities including peace, love, happiness, wisdom and purity.

A popular example of what a soul actually is can be found in the film Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban where Sirius Black has his soul sucked out of his body by a dementor. We see a small, glowing white ball of light gradually floating out of his mouth and away from his lifeless body. So it’s not really a new concept as such but one that we don’t really consider very often. http://www.bkpeninsula.org.au/event...

On Tuesday morning, I had my appointment with my support worker Ally at Colourfield Cafe Casey Central. It’s been about 3-4 weeks since I last saw her so naturally we had a lot to catch up on. I talked about dealing with living alone in the house while my parents are away in Queensland for their anniversary. Feeling better about my relationship with the personal trainer and trying hard to focus more on the positives in my life. Getting excited about starting the Healthy Cooking course again next term. And about my experiences at the Van Gogh exhibition last week.

On Tuesday night, I attended my Body Combat class with Cinamon Guerin at YMCA Casey ARC in Narre Warren. In terms of technique and keeping up with the combos, tonight wasn’t my best performance of all time. However, I was still giving it 100% and doing my best to really put some power into my punches and kicks. And that’s what I try to focus on in these classes. Not all the mistakes or my negative thought patterns but the fact that I’m still trying and I’m working hard during my workout. That’s what truly matters.

It was really good to see Cinamon mixing up the track list with a variety of different songs (Klubfiller - Feel Alive, The Prodigy - Firestarter) and fighting styles from Boxing and Tae Kwon Do to Muay Thai. There were certainly some challenging movements including punching and turning in a circle which caused me to get dizzy fairly quickly. It’s all about knowing when to pull back, slow down, focus, breathe and rest. It’s not always about keeping up as it is about getting the technique and movements right and also making sure you don’t over-exert yourself by forgetting to breathe. https://www.lesmills.com/workouts/f...

On Thursday morning, I attended my Slow Flow yoga class with Keren Gurrieri at Now, Yoga. in Narre Warren South. I haven’t seen Keren for over a month now as she’s been travelling to Bali and was also away sick for a couple of weeks. It was really good to see her again especially with the recent announcement of the Now Yoga Retreat coming up in November. Honestly, I’m all in. This could be a really good thing for me in terms of improving my self confidence, increasing my sense of independence and being able to travel alone without feeling anxious. And of course plenty of yoga and relaxation! http://nowyoga.net.au/

In this morning’s class, we focused on deep stretches through the sides of the body as well as the legs, thighs and hips. I was feeling a little shaky today with my balance and I was sweating a lot but I just did the best I could. We did several flowing sequences including:

Flowing Sequence 1...Cat-cow pose, knee-to-nose pose with leg extensions

Flowing Sequence 2...Plank pose, chaturanga on the knees, cobra/up dog

Flowing Sequence 3...High lunge, sweeping hands, Warrior 2, back to high lunge

Pigeon Pose...http://www.active.com/health/articl...

On Thursday night, I went to a Water Workout class at YMCA Casey RACE in Cranbourne East. After dealing with some rather hurtful and negative comments on Facebook, this was exactly when I needed. Time to switch social media off and focus on myself...not arseholes who are trying to bring me down. Of course with Casey Arc still undergoing their pool renovations and it being the tail end of the school holidays, the pool was really crowded tonight but it didn’t deter me one bit.

The class was run by instructor Janine who was rocking a bright pink tank top that you couldn’t miss. She was extremely uplifting, positive and fun and I could tell that she had good energy. She was also very encouraging, telling everyone in the pool “It’s really impressive that you’ve all come out here in the middle of Winter to exercise. Well done everybody. You’re all amazing.” Even if she was trying to be flattering, I didn’t care. These were the words I needed to hear and believe in myself.

Tonight we did a mixture of different aqua aerobic movements including jogging, ski slopes, rock n’ roll, mermaid, high jumps, tuck jumps, front and side kicks. There were two other guys in the class down the far end of the pool who were goofing around and making jokes but Janine didn’t seem to mind. She was just glad that everyone was having fun and exercising. http://www.swimmingpool.com/pool-fi...

On Friday morning, I had my Strength Training session with Luke Davey at Breakaway Fitness in Berwick. Things could have gone really pear shaped for me this morning but thankfully they didn’t. As much as I wanted to avoid the subject, I decided to confront the elephant in the room because it was still bothering me. My big online blowup with Denee Lalouette last night. Honestly, I’d rather forgive and forget but making negative assumptions about my character is really not okay.

I couldn’t be further from being a selfish person. I care about my parents, my friends, my personal trainer, my yoga teachers, my fitness instructors, my work mates and band members. I donate to charities regularly. I support local businesses, projects and bands. So asserting that I’m a selfish person is extremely laughable to say the least. He also called me shallow and that I focus too much on the negative. Again all bullshit.

I attend regularly therapy sessions, read self-help books, meditate, write myself positive affirmations and try hard to focus on the positives aspects of my life. I have many things in my life to be grateful for...being able to still live with my parents, having a part time job, being able to afford fitness classes, having friends in my life, being a creative person, having a car and being alive.

The truth is that I’m a pacifist and a peacemaker. I want to try and get along with everyone which I know is highly unrealistic but certainly not impossible. I hate drama, conflict and confrontation. And for the most part, I really do like Denee. He has good intentions for me but last night he really crossed a line with me and I got really upset about it. If you start judging me, then I’m going to get defensive. That’s how I roll. But personally I’m sure I’ll be over it by next week.

WARM-UP...Today I started my session by doing some pigeon pose to open up the glutes, hips and thighs. Luckily, I had some practice with this yesterday (thank you Now, Yoga :P). Next I had to release my knees towards the ground whilst keeping my feet wide and my legs bend. It was pretty tough but I had the flexibility and range to do it. Finally, I had to hold a squat position whilst holding a bar over my knees. This one really tested me because my knees were starting to hurt and I had to keep focused in the moment.

DEVELOPMENT...Back to doing some weighted back squats, this time 5 rounds of 3. I was feeling so much better about my performance today. I took all of Luke’s advice on board and my form and technique have improved heaps as a result. I was lifting up to 80kg which was pretty huge for me. It wasn’t perfect but overall I was really happy with my performance today and Luke gave me some positive feedback about it too.

WORKOUT...Look, I’m the first person to admit that I don’t enjoy running but if you give me a reason to run, then I’ll do it. And I have a lot of explosive power behind it too. I had to do 5 rounds of alternate sprinting and jogging along the green running track. Luke really wanted to help improve my technique with both of these exercises such as swinging my arms, taking long strides when sprinting and shorter strides when jogging. I tried really hard to listen, learn and really aim to improve my running style. And I did it. It honestly felt great despite panting and sweating a bit but that means I’m working really hard.

"You are not weak, Harry. The dementor's affect you most of all because there are true horrors in your past, horrors your classmates couldn't scarcely imagine. You have nothing to be ashamed of." Professor Lupin to Harry Potter, Prisoner of Azkaban (2004)

“But you know...Happiness can be found even in the darkest of times, when one only remembers to turn on the light.” Professor Dumbledore’s Welcome Speech, Prisoner of Azkaban (2004)