#this is soooo exhausting and im only taking 2 classes

[introspectivememories]

sorry this is just a vent post but like i hate school!!!! i hate, hate, hate it!!!! it's one assignment after the other and like i know that this is what i signed up for when i decided to become a high school teacher but like i dont want to do all this!!! i want to teach!!!! i want to watch kids go "ohhhh!" when the finally get a math concept! i want to watch kids smile when they realize they understand the math and now the worksheet is flying by!!!! i wanna help kids be less afraid of math!!!! i dont want to spend 4 years in college!!!! i want to be teaching already!!!!!

[roses-adventures]

This is amazing advice, I studied politics not law, yet. But, from personal experience I know a few things and I'll share them so you know what I did not. Keep in mind all experiences are different but this isn't just my experience others I've talked to have had very similar experiences to mine.

1. You need to read your laws, even if you're the victim. I had a cop lie to Me about the law so I didn't try to get justice on a boy he was protecting, this is when I realized they will lie to you. They will also try to protect certain criminals so again know your rights, know your laws.

2. Do NOT sign non disclosure acts in exchange for "protection". I didn't make this mistake and I wouldn't have but unfortunately after a cop lied to me and I left he ruined any chance at a much bigger cases with multiple victims by offering that he(the cop)and the school would "protect" these victims from our abuser/stalker/rapist etc in exchange for never telling their story. They never protected these people from him, I did. Read everything you sign or better yet don't sign anything without a lawyer present even if you're a victim.

3. If something happens to you and the only people to see it happen are 4 drunk adults, 1 drunk teen from far away and a young teen who saw more because they were only 2ft away they will take the word of the drunk adults and teen. They will not talk to the young teen at all or if they do they will attempt to gaslight. They do not care, if you're under 18 your witnessing is null and void.

4. If someone is dangerous to you but police can't find a weapon, if they live in your home they tell them and you that the dangerous person will be allowed back at the house.

5. Bonus one for things you should know. If someone is going to jail and has say your phone for some reason you more than likely won't get it back Till the persons out.

I know this is mostly case by case basis but I have heard soooo many stories just like mine. People who like me didn't know that they actually did this stuff just thought it was stories my parents or their friends would tell to keep us away from police but once i started interacting it was one bad experience to another. I was always on the victim or witeness or just asking a question side of things, no record, my boyfriend suggests it may be racial profiling or because im low income, and its possible but idk if this is the case for others with similar experiences.

One time Me and a friend of mine went to do a photography shoot in Seattle, we went to pikes place, we had to go at night because I had classes and volunteering and he had work. We park in the pike place garage, it's still light out relatively when we park so everything is easy to see if you know Seattle if you find any parking you're lucky. Anyway we get walking and we head down to the piers, after taking some beautiful shots we decide to head back up towards the car because it's getting late. Now I mention on here that I'm disabled like my body doest work correctly most times but especially not in the cold. We get walking and realize the closest way back up to where the car is, is like 4 blocks in the opposite direction or 7-8 blocks in the right direction but we didn't know exactly if we could go back that way because we werent sure how we came down. me being cold and exhausted from all the walking already we keep moving forward and we get to... stairs. Now it was shortly after this that I was banned from stairs because they're dangerous for me. Anywho we climb the stairs we stop every few min this whole time because I need to catch my breath so it has taken about an hr to even get to the top of those stairs. We knew the car would need to be moved soon so I pushed myself harder and harder continuing through the pain and not being able to breathe. It was so bad just before we got by pike place my friend was offering to carry me the rest of the way because he could tell I was not doing well. I deny him because I'm stubborn. We get to the market and WE LOST THE PARKING GARAGE. So as logic would say to do we decided to ask for help. We both walked up to police in pike place and I said "excuse me officer I am so sorry to bother you but we're not used to Seattle and lost where we parked our car. Where is the parking garage for pike place?" (Mind you pike place market is closed not the garage but the market) this cop looks only at me disgusted and says "well maybe we should remember better next time" in the most condescending voice I have ever heard in my life. He then turns to my friend and Says very kindly "the parking garage is below us just Take the elevator down to two" I say thank you politely though inside I'm fuming and my friend says thank you and we go to the elevator. I proceed to talk to my friend in the elevator about the interaction he didn't notice which isn't new that friends kinda oblivious but it always left a sour taste because I figured cops were only mean to me when I was a victim or witeness but at this point I realized this treatment wasn't because a crime was involved that there's something about Me that cops who don't know my social status, don't know my history or families history don't like. The only differences between my friend and I that night were that I was reddish in my cheeks from the cold and out of breath because I had to walk several blocks with no where to sit between breaks so my hr didn't go below 112bpm the whole time. My friend is pretty fit he is skinny and tall and did roller skating as a sport so he can handle walking long distance with no issues but he never talked to the police until they talked to him and he was still a bit red in the face because it was cold. My friend is also has pretty paleish skin, red Hair and blue eyes. In contrast I am mixed and though my skin is more of a darker olive complexion, my hair is dark and long, my eyes are hazel but in the dark they're brown. I also had an expensive camera in hand both of us did so it was obvious we were doing photography. When I told my bf this story he said without a doubt it's a race thing. Do I know for sure? No. But is it clear that the only thing outwardly different between my friend and I are our race and gender? yes.

I have friends and family in the criminal justice department none are police police. I have had a total of two experiences that were good with police in my entire life my total experiences is more than 10. One of the two was my boyfriend who was in the Canadian police department in the csi department. (I don't think they call it csi but for the lack of my American knowledge i will) and honestly eventhough he worked police department he and I dont consider him police. What i do know is Police will try and screw you over no matter where you stand, criminal or not, record or not, lawyers are important.

[nardonotes]

18 nov '24

12:01am

NOOOO I DIDN'T MAKE IT BEFORE MIDNIGHTTTTT SO THIS WILL BE AN 18TH OF NOVEMBER ENTRY GRRRR (๑��̀ᗝ•́)૭

-.-,, it's ok we will keep going!!

today my family and i went to have lunch at a japanese restaurant for my dad's brithday which is tomorrow (today?) and then we gave him his lil birthday present and went shopping!! i didn't get to buy anything but i really did wna buy crocs today,,, i'll get it next time though.... when we got home, i ended up taking a nap because i was soooo exhausted like idk what it was but i was so tired... i only took a one hour nap though (..◜ᴗ◝..) godbless!!! because i needed to get up and shower,, and that's exactly what i did!!

i got up. ate dinner. cleaned my room. and took a damn SHOWER!!!! after my shower, i watched the gladiator with my sisters, my sisters bf, and my mama! i edited some pics and finally finished them while watching too :DD because we're going to watch the gladiator 2 tomorrow after class (im gonna be so fucking tired...) (ᴗ_ ᴗ。) i have so much to do but i'll just push through this week so i can have a good weekend!!

anyways,, that's literally all i did today, it didn't feel that long for some reason. maybe cause it gets so dark at like 5pm now ദ്ദി ༎ຶ‿༎ຶ )

anyways! ill phone before bed time now cause i have class tomorrow which im actually excited about because i'm up to date with my work,, SEE WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU'RE UP TO DATE!!! NO STRESS!!!!! also,, god bless writing these entries because you know what? about a week or two ago i was literally feeling so lost and down in the dumps but now i'm lowkey kind of thriving xDDD lemme not jinx it...

byebye goodnight !!

song of the day: Hashtag by Yves ❤︎

[wizkiddx]

heyheyhey idk if u do req but love your dad tom stuff! PLZ PLZ do tom helping his kids with homework but cant do it and reader has to help and its all fluffy 😩💕

ye im down to do req and this had me going completely ott cos its v cute (and a lot less angsty than what ive written recently aha) so apologies for my ramblings:

Summary: tom has the kids for a day and maths homework throws a spanner in the works - tomhollandxreader

implied smut + v slight reference to porn but basically just fluff I promise xox

\\\\\\\\\\\\///////////

Tom had dealt with a lot of whining today. Nova and Leo were the absolute joys of his life, there was no doubt about it. Of course, he also loved you a hell of a lot too - sometimes to his detriment though, hence the position he was in now. 

You’d had a busy week at work and he had been away for the first half of it - leaving you as an almost single mother to a 5 and a 7 year old. So completely fairly, you’d asked if he wouldn’t mind watching the kids for a the day on Sunday, allowing you to go to a friends baby shower. There was no answer but to agree, Tom loved quality time with the kids and he wanted you to kick back and relax with you friends too. 

However the afternoon had not been nearly as idealistic as it were supposed to be in his head. You had left him only one real job (apart from the unavoidable essentials of keeping the kids alive with food and water, something you’d hope he need not be reminded about now). Really it shouldn’t of been that hard, it was just each kid had two pieces of homework. After convincing and cajoling the kids into sitting at the table which he’d already set up with Nova’s ‘Liverpool FC’ and Leo’s ‘captain marvels’ pencil case, the English was easy. 

In fact 5 year old Leo took great joy out of writing a poem with his Dad, which basically involved trying to rhyme any word with another - especially when he tried to convince Tom that all his completely fictitious words were real and worked together. A personal favourite had been ‘snakes’ and ‘palakes’ which Leo was convinced meant pancakes - arguing so vehemently Tom almost started to doubt himself on basic English. 

Thankfully though his eldest and most sensibly child eventually took him out his misery. If anyone had any control over the Holland boys, Leo and Tom - it was the Holland girls. You and Nova had both boys completely under you spell, often taking advantage of the fact too. It was only when Nova got bored of hearing Tom and Leo mock arguing, interspersed with the little boys giggles that Tom tried his absolute hardest to keep a straight face at, that she swooped in.

“Stop being silly Leo, mummy told you he’s not good at school!” She looked oh so innocent, eyes immediately flicking down to continue the little short story she was happily going on with. In response  Tom scowled, knowing your highly curious and intelligent daughter had asked you (for one reason or another) why he was not so academic. Yet instead of Leo bursting out laughing, instead he just nodded and accepted it too - making Tom scowl even more. Not even Leo thought it was a joke. 

So apart from his children apparently taking pity on his simple mind, it was all going smoothly. Perhaps, due to the thankful fact your children had inherited their brains from their mother - something Tom was forever thankful for, until he was shamed for his substandard intellect in the family. Then again though, he was Spiderman. So take that. 

Until Nova brought out her maths sheet. Then the afternoon quickly descended into chaos. It was fractions, something she hadn’t quite grasped from school yet - a concept that still hurt her head somewhat. Normally though it’d be fine, she’d bring the sheet to you and the two of you used ‘ girl power’ to figure it out… you prior experience as a tutor while in uni helping you know how to break through to her. 

Unfortunately Tom didn’t share this same experience. Nor did Tom share a maths qualification… something that had evaded him completely during his schooling career. Of course, it had never been a particular issue, acting didn’t require the use of maths and algebra and Tom was in a very lucky position of being able to pay someone to manage his finances from a very young age. So no, dividing 2/3 and 3/7 didn’t come the most naturally to him. Or at all to be quite honest. 

“I CANT DO IT AND GRACE IN MY CLASS COULD!” For context, Grace was one of her school friends, who forever liked to compare herself to the young Holland - especially because she was normally ahead. Nova had gone from quiet frustration, staring at the questions with her tongue sticking out slightly, to one of pure rage - yelling at her dad with tears in her eyes. Nova was normally incredibly intuitive, she always found it difficult when she couldn’t do something. Now, with a ‘teacher’ who was more useless than her - the frustrations inevitably bubbled over. 

“Hey, we can work it out, just calm-“

“YOU CANT DO IT EITHER YOUR STUPID “ She was just young and frustrated, Tom tried not to take it personally but … it wasn’t always easy. Chiefly because this was the height of offensive statement Nova knew - this was her version of adult explicit language. 

“Nova you can’t be rude.” He used his stern voice, something Tom very rarely used with his little girl. Though he never wanted to upset her, neither did he want her to think it was ever okay to be so rude to anyone like that- no matter how crappy at maths they were. It hurt him to do so but it was necessary - life lessons about the importance of being kind needed to be learnt. And it worked… if what Tom was aiming for was his beautiful baby girl’s eyes to brim with sparkling tears, her bottom lip quivering slightly. 

Instantly Tom’s eyebrows drooped, trying to fight his natural reaction to scoop her onto his knee and reassure her everything was okay. But as you had lectured him many a time before, he had to put his foot down once in a while. So instead, the father and daughter were locked in a silence and intense eye contact, until Nova hesitantly began to speak. 

“I’m sorry Daddy.” During which, Nova shoved her chair back, making it screech against the tiled floors uglily before running off up the stairs. Tom knew she was crying a lot. Knew this was going to take a bit of fixing. 

With a sigh of his daughters name, Tom popped his head into the living to check on Leo who had already finished all his stuff. Seeing him completely zombified in front of ‘paw patrol’ on TV, Tom trudged up the stairs. He knew where she was, when Nova was upset she always hid in the corner of her wardrobe and cried in the darkness. So after steadying himself with a little internal monologue of how to approach the situation Tom walked in and sat down beside the wardrobe - knocking on the door slightly. 

“Nova… can we talk please?” All he heard was sniffing echoing from the wooden chamber until she tried to shout through the door.

“Go-go… go away daddy.” It broke his heart, the way her voice wavered, making Tom pout - gently letting his head fall against the wardrobe doors. 

“I don’t want you to be upset beautiful…. And you did apologise which I appreciate. You know why Daddy got angry right?” Her sniffles heightened before she muttered a quiet ‘yes’. “And you are sorry? Because that might’ve made me really sad too.”

“I’m s-s-sorry, I didn’t mean it.”

“Then that’s good and we don’t need to cry. You want a cuddle little one?” Before Tom could even properly get up the door was being pushed open by her little hands, revealing a tear stained face and big glassy eyes looking up at her Dad. Swiftly Tom scooped her up and out of the cupboard, whispering to her while she buried her face in his chest. 

“Oh come here my little bean.”

//////////////////////

When you came home late that evening, only mildly exhausted from spending the whole day gossiping with your girls, it was weirdly quiet. All the lights were out in the front room, which made you close the door gently, thinking Tom had managed to exhaust the kids - and himself in the process. With a relieved sigh at the peace you pattered into the kitchen to get yourself a drink (it had been a little concern that Tom would’ve worked the kids into a hyperactive and delerious state that kept them up long past bedtime - which ultimately you’d have to deal with). The house was remarkably silent and though it was clear from the littered toys everywhere that it had indeed been Tom alone in charge, everything seemed pretty okay. 

It was only as you were about to head upstairs to join your hubby in bed that you realised the study light was still on, streaming through the small crack in the doorframe. Assuming Tom had just neglected to turn it off, in otherwords Tom being Tom, you nudged it open with your hand. Surprisingly though, there was your husband, hunched over the desk, looking almost angrily focused - between the computer screen and a piece of paper below him. Normally you would’ve just assumed it was another script sent over or an edit Harry had sent of another screenplay they were writing together. 

But no, the blatant red flag was the screen that you could see. A screen on YouTube, of a man pointing at a whiteboard of fractions. 

So with a soft wrist you wrapped your knuckled on the side of the door, even if you had technically already entered the room. The reaction had you stifling a laugh, it was as if you’d caught him watching something *less PG* the way he jumped out his seat, closing the browser immediately. 

“Love!! I -er … didn’t know you’d got back?”

“I just did.” You smiled gently, while walking into stand behind his chair, wrapping your arms round his neck and pressing a kiss to his jaw. “Soooo…. what’ca doingggg” The glee in your voice was evident, making Tom groan and shut his eyes. 

“I hate you, you know that right?” 

“No you don’t… but you were watching a primary school video on fractions, if I’m not so mistaken?” He sighed deeply, making a point of turning the paper with his scribbles over to obscure it. 

“Nova’s homework.. she couldn’t do it and neither could I, so then she basically screamed at me for being thick and udseless and then had a breakdown.” 

Now you felt guilty. This was a bit of a sore spot with Tom, he always for some reason felt inferior because of his academic ability. Which was stupid- mainly because he was the most clever and talented man you’d ever met. Just…. Just not at fraction. 

“Oh T… you could’ve just left it for me to do with her, I don’t mind.”

“That’s not the point Y/n.” He snapped a little, shrugging your arms off him and spinning in the chair so he could face you. “She’s my daughter and I should be able to help her! It’s not like it’s that hard, it’s just I’m unbelievable thick.”

“Tom stop. Look - you can do this I assure you, it’s just been a long old time ‘kay? Your rusty and that’s only natural.”

“I really don’t think I could ev-“

“Can I teach you? It’s just the method and then I promise you’ll get it.”

It took a bit of persuasion but eventually Tom agreed, letting you pull the corner chair forward to beside his desk so you could demonstrate it to him. To be fair, he really could do it- just a bit of familiarising on the ‘stick-change-flip’ method. The way the lightbulb moment literally caused his face to light up; scurrying to do the question for himself, tongue sticking out in the process; then presenting it to you proudly - well it had you melting in your seat. 

“See! That took all of 5 minutes and you got it.” You elbowed  his side by leaning forward in the chair, which instead of letting go, Tom reached and caught, before pulling you up and round. You landed with you bum perched on the edge of the mahogany desk, Tom now stood up- his legs in-between your parted thighs - your feet hooking round the back of knees. 

“It’s all down to my incredibly talented teacher.”

“No…. No I really don’t think it is” You mused with a soft voice, fingers instinctively going to the nape of his neck - twirling the little curls round your fingertips. 

“Well even so… I think I could teach you a thing or two too.” Never one to mull on anything, Tom’s tone had immediately switched to something a lot more… mischievous. 

“Not even going to ask about my day? Wheres the chat mr smooth?” He had to repress the grin at your smirk because as much as you infuriated the hell out of him - you also had this weird ability of making him feel so entranced and helpless. He relented with a sarcastic chime.

“Fine, how was your day love.”

“Good…. but I have a feeling you’re about to make it a whole lot better.”

That was all the signals he needed to lean forward, in doing so forcing you back until your back landed completely on the cool wood. His lips feathered yours, both hands pinned either side of your head.

“Oh darling… you have no idea.”

[fizzingwizard]

;______; just heard that from September we’re gonna have three students in our cluster who are under 1 year old... (5 in the school total)

aaahhh im exhausted just thinking about it

and whats crazy is in one of the classes with under 1 yos there is a kid who is between 1-2 yo and she cannot walk yet. We have been trying to help her learn and have begun wondering if there is some reason beyond her mother just didn’t really encourage her to walk before. (Like maybe she needs leg braces etc.) So far no news on that but this kid only drags her feet around, obviously she needs constant help, and there are 12 other kids in the class, two of whom are under 1 and three teachers, HOW are they supposed to do it???

and the class that will have three under 1s has two first year teachers in it, that makes me so nervous... They’re both awesome coworkers, this is no shade on them, but under 1s can be TOUGH, it’s SO easy for them to get hurt. idk it feels like an accident waiting to happen.

i’ve been at schools where 5 students was an entire class, if we’re gonna have this many under 1s we should just have a class for them, come on! I love them but they are twice the work of kids on year older than them.

Also the recommended teacher-student ration for 1-3 yos is 1:6, which we abide by, but I believe it’s actually 1:3 or 1:4 when the kids are belong 18/12 mos. Apparently the head office does not care.

These kids are not in my class, I currently teach 2-3s, however I am a long care teacher and I look after them during morning and after care. I do their nap and their snack and play time supervision etc. From 10-2 they’re part of their class, but the rest of the day they belong to all of us.

More work ranting under the cut because I guess I just need to vent to the air.

And we have a LOT of students now - two clusters of going on 30 in each, in very small classrooms where the teachers are expected to watch them like a hawk AND keep constantly busy with numerous tasks at the same time.

Plus our prep time has been cut down this year despite additional work getting put on us, and we have no extra help.

If one teacher is out sick, no one gets prep time.

Don’t remember if I whined about this before, but a month or so ago we had a meeting in which the leader said “If you find you don’t have enough prep time, that’s on you to manage your time better.” It was super condescending and annoying. I’m like, dude, my contract says I get 1 hour prep and 1 hour break. We never ever EVER get the full two hours (and I should mention this is never consecutive, it’s 15 min here, 30 min there, 1 full hour if you’re really lucky). It’s usually at most 1 hr 45. But a 30 min break is fine! I’d love to take a 30 min break. Almost never do. Way too busy.

Like, I won’t get into it, but the laundry list of Stuff To Do recently has been ENORMOUS. In my class, I have 19 students. One of my co-teachers is part time, meaning she’s not around to help during much of prep time, and the other is a leader meaning she’s constantly in meetings or doing leader assignments. They are both fantastic co-workers, but yeah, this means I do ALL the class stuff. I prepare all the crafts, I do a ton of the organizing, and I’m often the only teacher from my class available in the afternoons because part-time teacher went home and leader teacher is in a meeting. So I end up with a lot of the after care stuff.

We have to hand out these big projects that teachers are responsible for preparing for each student on 8/16. We know these are coming and prep for them as soon as possible, but like, I won’t get into this either lol, but it’s so hard. It’s time-consuming by itself, and made worse because all the school computers are crap (like takes-15-min-to-start, another 10 to open the browser, 5 to go to the website, then it freezes, then 5 more, another freeze, etc) and like you have 15 min break time hahahahaha.

I wanted to get such a head start that I just started doing what I could back in the beginning of the year but we lit can’t do the bulk of the work until a certain kind of envelope is delivered and that doesn’t come till summer for some stupid reason. Soooo our long prep days in April when there are no kids around... can we use those to prep for this project? Heck no!

Anyway. This year’s is due on 8/16. This coming week we are off for obon break. This year also, the company is doing the project slightly differently. Instead of staggering what class gives out their projects to their students when, we all have to do it at once. We are our company’s biggest school, sooo my honest thought is no one at the head office thought about us when they made this change. The other schools don’t have to stagger anyway, they have at most two classes. We have four.

So this means everyone is printing their projects at the same time. For one student, you need 10 sheets on A3 paper. For my class of 19, that is 190 sheets of paper. For four classes, we’re over 700 sheets total. THAT IS A LOT OF PAPER.

So I get to work this morning and boss says “Yeah so we’re out of A3 paper.”

!!!

IT’S DUE MONDAY.

There was a little bit left so I just charged and printed as much of my stuff as I could in the morning before anyone else could. Then, miraculously, another packet of A3 paper appeared out of nowhere, and we were able to print most of the rest of our students’ projects. (My coworker who is a leader has not printed hers yet because she is super busy and isn’t finished. Again, she’s an awesome coworker, I wish I could have helped her more, but uh, I’m also swamped and not taking breaks, so. Hopefully she can do it before we really do run out of A3 paper.)

Getting more paper is no big deal, it’s just that no one has the time, and this is due Monday.

So I was super stressed. Sooooo super stressed for such a dumbbbb reason. And I don’t understand why these projects have to go out on Monday anyway. Some kids don’t even come to school on Mondays. Like. Just make sure they get them next week, isn’t that good enough?? Why make us stress and panic.

Everyone else seemed fine though, I was the only one tearing my hair out because I’m the type who finishes everything a day early so I have a day to check it over... I am not spontaneous and I hate to rush...

I lit told my coworkers, because regardless of the paper situation we are still behind because we have not had any time to organize the projects, that I will just stay late tomorrow to do it. It’s the Friday before a break so I don’t mind too much. I am really tired tho and would of course rather just go home and sleep but. I’ve done this before. Finishing up this project will take 1.5 hours - 2 hours at the current state it’s in, IF I can just sit down and do it uninterrupted. (Have I mentioned these projects are HEAVY?? And there’s 19 of them?? It’s a big job just to take them out and start putting them together >.<)

So tomorrow evening that is what I will likely be doing -.-;

There are INNUMERABLE other STUPID parts of this project - the idea behind it is great, but the way we are required to make it is absolutely bonkers and desperately needs a revamp but does anyone listen to a preschool teacher? heck no lol

uggh.

I feel better after venting tho.

I like my job, I just wish humans in general gave a shit, not even about quality of life (since obvs that’s expecting too much lol, also as a person with privilege I’m aware I’ve already got it pretty darn good), but just about not making jobs that are ridiculous. Just plan them out better, sheesh. There’s no reason for all this running around. The projects don’t need to be printed. Or they don’t need to be so huge. They don’t need all this fuss and nonsense. They are a good idea, but we could do them in a way that would be sooo much less stressful.

(The funniest part of all being, it’s a project for the parents mainly, and the parents... don’t like it x’D No they really don’t. They are happy to have the project, but first they’ve got to get it home, and it is HUGE and HEAVY and UNWIELDY lmao. And some of them are carrying twin 2 year olds and both of their futons home as well, and we’re like “here you go, two giant projects for you to take home!” And the parents are like “thanks????”)

[jayflrt]

I'm not quite on a break! I still have another summer class I'm taking, but it's not as condensed so im not working on it every day thankfully!! My exams went well too! I got an a in the class 🥰 I've been doing well on the exams for the other class too even tho they are notorious for being super hard so 🙏🏻🙏🏻

We just finished the episode where the performance unit came so it's funny you mention that!! When I first watched iland I didn't Stan seventeen but now that I do it was even more fun~ I'm really glad the iland boys won't have to compete again either 😭 the mentor groups would actually be so cool 👀👀👀 that's a really cool idea!! I loved K as a leader in iland omg imagine him teaching the babies 😭😭 and the video they just released of the signal song?? He looked like a mom leading his children I almost cried 😭😭 also like I got way more emotional than I was expecting when I saw Nicholas like!! I was really upset when he didn't make the top 12 🥲 I'm really excited to see him and EJ again 🥺 it feels like it's been forever for those 2.

And OMG THE TEASER PICS!!! 🤩 Jake looks so good I might collapse.. His hair color is soooo amazing 🤩 and Sunghoon with the kogner hair... 😳 Also honestly jusr blonde Sunghoon>>> still not over his blessed cursed look oml the eyebrow piercing?? The death of me truly. everyone looks amazing tho ahh it's going to be sooooo good 🤩 I just watched the preview for the album and foreshadow tho 😳 that song is going to be so good I already know it !!! It gives me the same vibes as one of my favorite songs by my ult group (Illusion by Kingdom if you're curious!!) so I am vvvvv excited for that one!! What song are you looking forward to the most!?

Sending love (and a Heejay pic, just for you~)

I looked on kprofiles to find their ship name and let's just say there is an interesting comment on the post that I won't write here but um 😳

omg wait i think i remember you mentioning that :o but omfg i would just drop from exhaustion if i were you HAHAH i’m still burnt out from last month ! i’m in awe that you have the energy to keep going 😭🫶 but v v prouf keep it up !!! ♡ AND YAYYY IM GLAD YOU SCORED AN A YOU DESERVE IT 🥳💖 and i’m sure you’ll do great even if they’re hard >:)))

omg i loved performance unit in iland 🥹 they were so supportive and cheerful !! it honestly brightened the mood a LOT in the show :’) i’m rlly glad they were there bc i think it was the only challenge that enha laughed around during and had fun 🤧 and omg you’re a carat now !! :o who’s your bias?? 🤩 HAHAH omg i need to keep up with the show’s content more :o still very confused with how it’s gonna go but i’m excited !! and taki looks so different now but he’s still sooo cute 😭💗 AND SAME IM SO HAPPY TO SEE EJ AND NICHOLAS <33

oh my gosh the teaser for future perfect is just …… i fear this might be the title track the trumps all the ones so far 😵‍💫 it just sounds sooo good !! and i’m so excited for foreshadow omfg AHHH YEAH SUNGHOONS LONG HAIR HAS ME GOING FERALLL BUT IT MAKES ME SO HAPPY :D

THANK YOU FOR HEEJAY 🤧💝 love them and jay’s one sided beef with heeseung in iland ♡

[shotfreed]

Get to know this loser me.

Rules: Answer 20 questions then tag 20 (give or take) followers you wanna get to know better!

Tagged by: @kitakaze-no-ryu

Name: Jade

Nickname: Cova

Height: 4′9″ and ready 2 fite

Nationality: American

Favorite Fruit: Philippine mangoes 

Favorite Season: Autumn, aesthetically. Summer is the only season my joints dont hurt all the time tho

Favorite Smell: freshly baked cookies with way too much vanilla. residual smell of long burned out too-sweet vanilla candles in a stuffy room with stale air.  

Favorite Color(s): metallic red, sage green

Favorite Animal: Siberian huskies 

Tea, Coffee, Hot Cocoa: hot cocoa? or hot water with honey. 

Average Hours of Sleep: bruh whats a regular sleep schedule sometimes its 12 hours sometimes is 20 minutes but uhhhh maybe 4-5 hours broken up over the day?? 

Dogs or Cats: Both, but i love dogs shhhh 

Dream Trip: road trip around the states and canada to meet my mutuals!!! 

When my blog was created: this blog was deleted and remade and i have no fuckin clue 

# of Followers: 126.

Random Fact: I joke about constantly dying, but i literally coughed up blood this morning, shrugged, and went about my day. 

Favorite Food: dude i just had lumpia shanghai again the other day and fell in love all over again, but cocacola. 

Favorite TV show: im not including anime bc i couldn’t decide. but i’ve also only watched game of thrones and westworld recently soooo. 

Favorite Movie: fuck man. Either of the Now You See Me’s or Rise of the Guardians. 

Favorite Vine: fffffuck me man there’s too many. there’s one that i KNOW exists but i cant ever find and it’s the fuckin hetalia theme and like marukaite chikyuu,  marukaite chikyuu,  marukaite chikyuu-- DRAW THE FUCKING CIRCLE and that was it that was the vine and i cannot for the life of me find it. 

Sexuality: ace

Gender: fluid (he/him) 

Favorite Book Series: CASTER CHRONICLES BY KAMI GARCIA AND MARGARET STOHL or WAYFARER'S SERIES BY BECKY CHAMBERS 

Favorite Video Game(s): Kingdom Hearts, FFXV, UtaPri, 

Favorite Subject: my creative writing class sophomore year was so fucking wild i still have flashbacks man

Favorite Fandom(s): im hardly really involved in any atm tbh... I have such fond memories of the haikyuu fandom though. BnHA has been good to me so far? theres certain ppl in the xv fandom who will always mean the world to me. this fandom has as well. 

Favorite Superhero: shit uhhhh how far can i stretch “superhero”?? i’ve never felt very strongly for the superhero genre lmao... to be shitty i guess I kinda like where they’re going with Bakugo from bnha. I hope they don’t diminish this, i’m still fairly early on, but I like how yes he is a single track minded hot head. but he’s also not stupid. he’s observant, he’s to a point analytical, but still very emotionally driven. I really like how easy to forget it is that bakugo is very competent and while he does run away with his gut and his emotions, he’s not a blind fool and I hope they keep that aspect of him growing rather than just diminishing him into just the angry friend-rival. 

Guys or Girls: all. fuck im ace but i am also super fuckin pan wow people. there are just so many fuckin good lookin people. wow. 

Celebrity crush: bruh Kato Kazuki can murder me and i’d say thank you. 

Last time I cried: yesterday bc i had a social exhaustion induced panic attack, snapped at my friends, felt shitty about it then had to drive in a lot of pain. 

Hair Color: sunbleached brown. 

Eye Color: Brown.

What Should I Be Doing: working lol.  Tagging: bruh steal it 

[vintageladylemondrop]

The Vanishing of Ladybug and Chat Noir- Chapter 3

Gah, life gets in the way of me writing this fic but I’m having fun writing it. I finally finished chapter 3 and hopefully I’ll get chapter 4 out sooner than later, so enjoy -VLLD

Here’s the link to the fic on Ao3 if you want to read it there instead.

http://archiveofourown.org/works/9251336/chapters/22432703

Chapter 3 - Revelations and Running

(Scene 1- Marinette’s POV)

She must have been going crazy. She and Adrien were sitting at her desk looking at the research they had collected for their report. Her crush was sitting right next to her, but that’s wasn’t why she felt like she was going crazy. What was wrong with her today! Hell what had been wrong with her all week! She couldn’t even focus on the opportunity in front of her.

She should be happy, She had been partnered with Adrien for a class assignment. She had to keep smiling or he would notice that something was wrong. Adrien had been talking to her all week, she had to take this opportunity, but why wasn’t she…why couldn’t she… It was too late he could see.

“Are you okay Marinette?” Adrien asked her. “Are you feeling sick?” She sure didn’t feel well, but she wasn’t Ill, just going insane in her own mind. She thought her brain was going to explode and then whatever remained of her was going to float away never to be seen again.

“Ya I’m alright, you just surprised me earlier, that’s all” she gave a small fake laugh. He turned away from her, and gave a small sigh.

“I’m sorry, I wasn’t trying to scare you…” She cut him off mid sentence. She didn’t want him to misunderstand her.

“No No, it’s not that… You just sounded like a friend of mine is all.” the tone in her voice deflated a little bit as she spoke. He got quiet and then they directed their attention to the assignment. They worked in silence, every minute that passed seemed more and more awkward… Had she messed up? Then Adrien’s voice rung in her ears

“Soooo, this friend of yours, what’s he like?” he asked. Well crud how was she gonna get out of that question! it’s not like she could tell him that this friend of hers was Chat Noir, because who would believe that, she would just sound crazy.She fabricated a lie as quickly as she could

“You wouldn’t know him, he moved away last year, and since you only started attending our school this year…” Her voice trailed off, she started to regret her lie.

“Oh too bad, sounds like my kind of a friend” he chided. At that moment Marinette started to realize something she hadn’t thought of before.

(Scene 2- Adrien’s POV)

“Where is the restroom?” He asked her. He and Marinette had been working on the assignment when she got really quiet he had tried to make her feel better, but the air between them seemed to be worse.

“It’s downstairs, it’s not to hard to find. If you have trouble just ask my parents” she said

He excused himself and went downstairs to the restroom. He needed to calm down. She had definetly noticed that he spoke like Chat, but still lied about him being her friend . I mean of course it made sense, it’s not like she was going to tell someone she didn’t know about Chat because it would give away she was Ladybug.

He splashed his face with water, he was flushed because being near her made his stomach turn knots. Had she figured out who he was or hadn’t she? He couldn’t tell. Had he hurt her?, was he too relaxed?. He didn’t know he just hoped things would work out for the best.

He climbed back upstairs and into Marinette’s room. As he opened the hatch he started to speak

“Hey, I’m back what did you want to to do for the biblio…” It took him a minute to realize Marinette wasn’t paying attention. She looked like she was going to explode. Something was wrong, very wrong.

“I’ll be back in a second I’m just going to go downstairs to check on something” she mumbled and quickly left her room. He sat down on the desk chair and went to search for his phone in his pocket. It wasn’t there. It must have fallen on the floor earlier when he had gotten up to use the restroom. He picked it up and noticed a message on the screen.

Marinette- Maybe we shouldn’t meet. I hadn’t really thought it through and it’s a risk we should think through.

Shit well if she didn’t know before now she sure as hell did now. Ugh he needed to talk to Marinette when she came back. He leaned back in the desk chair and waited for Marinette to return.

5 minutes passed, then 10 minutes passed and still no Marinette. Something was definitely wrong. He went downstairs, she wasn’t anywhere to be found. He went into the Bakery to ask her parents if they knew where she was.

“Excuse me, Have you seen Marinette anywhere? She excused herself about 15 minutes ago and I haven’t seen her since.” He questioned.

“Oh my that girl” she gave a chuckle and continued to speak" “Didn’t she tell you? She said she had an errand to run and left in a hurry” her mother replied.

“No she didn’t tell me.” He sighed.

“I’m sorry, sometimes our daughter is forgetful, we assumed she had told you and you had left through the back awhile ago.” Her father said trying to make Adrien feel better. He went back up to Marinette’s room gathered his things, and gave his farewell to her parents.

He needed to find Marinette. He scrolled through his phone contacts. He pressed call and waited for an answer.

“Hey, Alya I need a huge favor.”

(Scene 3- Marinettes POV)

“I’ll be back in a second I’m just going to go downstairs to check on something” she quickly told him. She felt like her insides were fighting a war, to say she was freaking out would be an understatement. She rushed to the Bathroom and began puking her guts out. This couldn’t be real, it just couldn’t. If it was real than what hadn’t been real. When she finished she felt better. She had to get away so she could take all this information in. She told her parents a lie, and left. She knew Adrien would definitely be mad at her for this, but it was all too much for her.

She decided to go sit in a cafe her and Alya frequented on the weekends. She could hide here for awhile until Adrien left. Marinette got some iced tea and tried to calm down, and she started to connect the dots.

(Memory- Marinette’s POV/ a few months ago.)

“So are you excited about the dance tonight!” Alya practically shouted while they were nearing their destination.

“I’m not so good with dancing,you know that” Marinette replied sheepishly. She and Alya had decided on going to the cafe to get some caffeine before getting ready for the dance.

“Look who it is!” Alya practically shouted. They had just walked into the cafe, when Alya had noticed that Adrien and Nino, Adrien’s best friend were there.

“Hey guys! What’s up?” Alya easily went over and approached the two boys.

“Just getting some coffee before the dance tonight” Nino replied. Marinette noticed Adrien looking down. She wondered if he was alright.

“Yup what he said!” Adrien perked up and pointed towards his friend.

“So, Marinette what’s this I hear about you not liking dancing?” Adrien teased. She would have cursed her best friend for telling him, if not for that it gave her the chance to talk to Adrien.

“It’s not my thing, that’s all…” Marinette replied as sincerely as she could without stuttering. Alya and Nino went to go order the drinks for the four of them.

“If it makes you feel any better Im new to this whole dance thing, Ive never been to a dance.” Adrien continued “but…well if you don’t mind would you save me a dance tonight?… I know it’s not your thing but everyone deserves to cut loose every once in awhile”

“Surereere , I’d be be honored.” Marinette hoped this wasn’t the doing of Alya. She didn’t want Adrien to feel like he was being forced to dance with her.

The four parted ways and got ready for the dance. Everything had been perfect that night, except Adrien never showed up. Nino explained that Adrien suddenly had to work and wasn’t going to be able to come to the dance. Marinette had been definitely a little disappointed, but probably not as disappointed as Adrien had been about going. She could tell he had been excited about it. She went home early, because she hadn’t really been having any fun. When she arrived home she didnt even bother to undress, she was still all done up for the dance almost as if she didn’t want the magic of the night to end even though it had ended for her before it even started. She hadn’t intended to fall asleep, but did anyway because the day had been more exhausting than planned.

“Knock” she awoke to sound of something knocking on the glass. It echoed off the walls of her room for a moment, she then got up to see what it was, she had a feeling she knew who it was though.

“What do you want you silly cat?” She was slightly annoyed. She opened her balcony hatch and let him into her room.

“Is everything all right? you are usually meowwre welcoming than this.” He asked her.

“Ah, this…” She probably looked strange considering she was still dressed up. “ I… There was a school dance tonight, that’s why I’m all dressed up, but…” She wasn’t sure if she should tell him about the nights events. “…but it didn’t go exactly as planned, sorry for my attitude earlier, I’m just a little salty.” she felt she could trust him, he was her partner… Well even if he didn’t know that, they had this strange relationship between them anyway.

“So what happened?” He gave her a polite smile.

“Ah, well I was asked to save a dance for one of the most popular guys in school but… He wasn’t able to make it to the dance. I know he couldn’t control it, but I can’t help but be a little disappointed… You see I don’t really care for dances and dancing that much. I was really only going cause my best friend had dragged me into it, but for once I really was genuine in my excitement.” She told the Masked Cat Boy.

“If it’s any consolation to you, you look really nice this evening and I would have loved to dance with you if I had the opportunity” he chided. She was trying not to be flustered, it was just she didn’t get compliments on her looks from boys as often and it suprised her. She kept telling herself.

They continued to chat for a little while longer talking about random things, whatever she wanted to, It was easy to talk to him. That evening in her mind took a turn for the better when Chat appeared. It was almost like magic she thought.

(Scene 3 - Marinette’s POV continued)

The dots were adding up in her mind and it was overwhelming. She needed to calm down or she was going to break down here in the cafe.

“Bzzzzzttt” her phone started ringing. It was Alya, dammit she surely had already heard from Adrien. She picked it up, before Alya had a chance to lecture Marinette she was going to speak first.

“Alya, I need a huge favor” She told her best friend.

“How huge of a favor is this?” Alya questioned playfully.

“Big, I need you to hide me from Adrien. I can’t talk to him right now… sooo can I spend the night at your place, because there is something I need to talk to you about” She pleaded.

“Fine, but you at least owe him an apology, for running off like that.” Alya said. She continued to lecture Marinette for another 5 minuted and then Marinette headed back to her house to get her stuff for the night.

(Scene 4 - Alya POV)

“What did you do to my best friend lover boy?"Alya said anxiously over the phone to Adrien.

"Uhh… That’s kind of confidential, but is she alright?” Adrien asked. Alya had called him back shortly after he had called her earlier.

“She’s not dying, but I don’t think she’s ready to talk to you yet… Give her some time she’ll come around."Alya continued ” I can’t help you with that favor though, her favor out weighs yours, no offense"

“That’s alright at least she’s physically okay” Adrien responded.

Alya got off the phone with Adrien after trying to get a few more details on the events of the day to no avail. Adrien hadn’t budged so she was walking into the situation with Marinette almost blind. She waited for Marinette to arrive at her house. She heard a small knock at her front door. When she opened the door she saw her best friend was a mess. Her hair wasn’t done and had obviously fallen out at some point during the day. She had spilt something on the front of her shirt. She looked like she was being held together by a thread and if someone were to even approach her she would snap in two. Alya saw tears start to bubble over her best friends eyes and fall down her face. It was clear to Alya that Her best friend was falling apart at the seams.

“Marinette, come inside let’s talk okay?” She said softly. Marinette stepped inside and she shut the door. Alya took her best friend into a hug. She talked softly “What in the world happened, Are you feeling okay?” Marinette had felt a bit feverish in her arms. Her best friend told her the first truth Alya had heard from her all week.

“No, Alya I’m not okay”

[ilygsd]

odfidk: 140818 - 2

im suicidal and i low key want everyone to unfollow and block so i can write my psycho rants in peace i honestly think i got bpd or smth. ive also checked ptsd multiple times but i dont remember my trauma and i dont have any dreams abt it since in fkn adopted. my whole life had been a trauma. 

im so fucking tired of my dad. i dont think ive gotten a single fucking apology in my whole life from him. 

when we were younger my little sister got scared and never dared to tell him when she broke or lost something cus he always made her cry. he always got soooo angry but always pretended he wasnt angry at us, but he obviously was. i used to cry too but instead i got angry because i’ve always been the problematic kid so i always started to scream at him instead. i still do cus im still problematic

one time when i was 16 i was on my way to the first party at my upper high school. i was looking forward to it so much because i suffered through junior high because of all the white rich racist snobs. i was happy bc i had finally been able to make some friends and after my parents divorce, friends were the only place i felt sade. but then dad suddenly calls me and starts to yell at me, accusing me of stealing his money (aka $2). ive never felt so betrayed and humiliated. my own dad didnt believe me. ”well your sister said she didnt, so it must be one of you two”. 

turns out it was my sister and she was too afraid to say something so my ugly fucking dad decided to ruin my whole fucking night and i embarrassed myself because i cried in public because i was so frustrated of not being believed. she admitted to mom. i never got an apology from any of them but i didnt say anything because i knew my sister was too scared. she never blamed it on me, she just said she didnt do and. and dad did the rest

one time a classmate of mine told me about her abusive dad and how he used to grab her by the neck when she did something ”wrong” and chase after her, maybe even hitting her. our dad never got physical with us but this is obviously emotional abuse. yesterday was the night i finally admitted it to myself. our dad is abusive and he’s one the reasons im so abusive myself. ive known for long, but i love him and i tried for so long. i kept fighting him cus i wanted to believe he was able to change but he’s not. he doesnt even understand. i hate him for that, i hate him for making me the monster i am today.

his first instinct is always to accuse. like yesterday evening for example where he helps me with my phone (he’s not the most technical one). something he thinks will work doesn’t work but an ”error” pops up and he immediately mutters ”what have you done now...” i get furious because i’m tired of all these microaggressions and he agitated me earlier this evening with his ignorance and refusal to change aka ”there will always be injustice and classism, why dont you become a poltician instead”. i tell him to apologize and he guilt trips me, accusing me of being sensitive, always mistunderstanding his words and now he’s ”not going to talk to me anymore” ”since he cant say anything”. i get even more angry and he tells me to shut up. it sounds harsher in swedish, so i’d probably translate it to ”shut the fuck up” instead. i walk away, obviously done with his bullshit 

emotional abuse. i could never tell him that though. i mean i could and i’ fucking did but his dumb ass never listens. not even after mom divorced him he listens. he never does. hes so ruined that he always blames it on everyone else for being sensitive. he thinks hes kind and understanding when he says ”im sorry YOU FEEL that way” because he doesnt understand its not ME or MY feelings. its me, my mom, and my sister. its a fucking fact that hes emotionally abusive, its not something we just FEEL. but theres no idea arguing with him because he will only get angry. as usual.

its gotten better through the years. not because he has learnt anything, but because we are older, not little children anymore. he’s never like this with adults. mom said it was different techniques on her, because she’s an adult and was his wife. he would probably get sad reading all of this but he wouldnt show it and i wouldnt care because he wouldnt apologize and he wouldnt understand. thats his weakness and that will be his doom. 

nothing ever changes in this family. my dad keeps being an emotional abuser while im the only one saying something. my older brothers left me and my little sister during our parentes divorvve. my little sister is always the quiet one while im always the annoying aggressive one. im always on my own fighting. but i never get any appreciation. no one asks me how i am feeling. my sister never asks me, never hugs me. i know she loves me and i hope shes thankful for always standing up against our dad, always protecting her ever since we were kids. i know she doesnt like my ways all the time, that she dislikes when im fighting and yelling but at least i do something. the only one listening is mom but we fight too sometimes. i just wish i wasnt so lonely. me and my closest to age brother could maybe talk, could maybe be closer if he didnt betray us, betray ME like that. ffs he was 21 when they divirced. a grown ass man. i was 11, i was going through another abandonment. i lost everything. the money, my parents, my family. everything i was proud of and thought was safe. we could maybe talk if he wasnt so uncomfortable and unserious. i know he talks to mom and i know mom, me and him are the only one thinking in this god damn family. but he left me. i wish my sister could give me some love. i know she cares but she never shows me. i love her the most in our family. we’re the only chinese adoptees and i feel like i need to protect her. i try not to cry in front of her but i just wish she could give me something. i know theres nothing i can do about it. i tried to pressure her when we were younger but she only withdrew even more. i was always the one trying. im always the one trying, speaking up. im always painted as the problematic unstable one but i’ve gone through the most shit in this family. i came as a crying and screaming baby. i was afraid of everything, always crying. and thats what i’ve always been. always the crying one, the one who cant control her feelings. always the lazy one because ive been to scared to try things. no one appreciates me. im not perfect and i hate myself for it. im paranoid and i have abusive tendencies. i got major abandonment issues and i used to text people a lot. i dont do that anymore. i never answer anymore because no one cares and im too scared of making new friends.

i know im not perfect but i also know my bf would miss me if i stopped texting him. i know my sister will miss me when i move away. she will never stand up against dad and a part of me wants to stay protecting her but im tired. i dont get anything. never a thank you. never a nod. i dont know how she feels. i only from what mom tells me. she never joins me or helps me. only when its herself. ONLY when its about her. she never takes my side. i never blamed her for it. i always blamed dad. i hated my vrothers for leaving me, but not her because shes my baby sister. but im tired. im exhausted and i never get anything. my family abandoned me so i invested in friends instead. they could be my third family. but they abandoned me too. my issues got in the way and they abandoned me. at the same time i went through an abortion at age 17. my mom abandoned me because of her own mental illbess and my boyfriend abandoned me because of his cowardness. at the same time i had the biggest indentity crises and i started to miss my own mom, my actual mom, like crazy. no one was there for me. maybe my adoptive mom tried her hardest but she’s white, she suffered from PTSD for 7 years herself, she wasnt like dad, but she wasnt enough. no ones enough. no one can save me. no one can save me. not even my beautiful boyfriend who loves me so much and who i’ve been a total fkn abuser to. no one can save me. my mom got surprised when we watched a documwntary about killers and i said i think like that. i feel like that. i feel like that could be me. she said ”not could you have killed anyone” but ive wanted to. ive dreamt about it. ive wanted to kill everyone on this earth. ive wanted to kill myself and everyone i hold dear. and when people say ”those abusers and nasty murderers deserve no love. they’re lost” i feel like murderering them extra slow. no one ever loved me. i was never loved. i came here only to serve as a child to a middle class white western couple. no one cares about my mother. no one cares about me. my trauma was only me being difficult and me being difficumt was only bc of what happened in china, never bc of what they did. white people are never weong. the damage adoptees go through is only BEFORE the adoption. never after. white people are perfect. so perfect people want more to adopt us. cus we’re only dolls to you. we’re just children you can send back and forth. no one cared that i was all alone my 2 first years. that i was shipped back and forth like a toy. no one cared about me when they placed me in sweden, the whitest country next to our neighbors, denmark, norwat and finland. no one cared about me when they placed me in a family that would divorce. where the mom would get ptsd for 7 year, not work and no money. dad is emotionally abusive and emotionelly inaccessible. no one cared about me when i missed my mom. when i started to read about racism and sexism and colonialism and classism. no ones ever cared about me and im tired. no one can save me. ive been fighting my whole life. ive been fighting for basic things like love and safety. im never loved. im never safe. im always fighting, always chasing something i’ll never get

i remember when this was everday. when i felt like this everydsy and thought i would die everyday. the only one by my side my boyfriend who i am incapable givning the love and appreciation he deserves. i dont want this to come back. tomorrow i’ll be fine. tomorrow everything will be forgotten. my dad will never ever applogoze for anything. my sister will never ever give me any kind of love. everything will be normal tomorrow but nothing will be solved. im cursed. im cursed. im cursed. im cursed. im doomed. i will never escape these thoughts and feelings. im doomed to suffer. no matter what i do, no matter how much i try its always weong. no one cares. im so lonely. i miss my mom. i wish i was aborted or that i could stat with her. even if i was unhapoy with her she’s at least be my real mom. at least i’d commit suicidw like a normal person. i dont feel like a normal person. i feel like a demon. i feel like a monster.

im very very suicidal right now. i always feel like i have to threaten with suicide but i know no one would care. and that sucks. ive thought about faking my death but my dad is so abusive he’d just get mad at me. so i just couldnt help myself cus i had a big ass anxiety attack so i straight up told him he he wouldnt care if i died. he didnt. he shut the balcony door. so i panicked even more and screamed when i commit suicide he will regret himself, he will regtet. when i commit suicide it will be his fault. no reaction. he was embarrassed. he said ”i dont want the neighbors to hear when youre so sad and angry” so i literally throw a pillow over the tanke and break something and i automatically get scared and then to my room to call mom and i scream so much. i feel like im dying.

i guess i feel better now or whatever cus i was able to talk to my mom but wow our dad is really fucked up. i hate that i cant get people to live me in a healthy why though. i always have to do smth dramatic like killing them or treathening with suicide. but the very fact that i had to go that far for my dad to come and give me a weak hug and after another 5 minutes arguing say ”sorry” cus he just ekot saying ”i usually apologize” and ”i already said that was dumb of me” but literally cant say s-o-r-r-y makes me SO ANGRY. i shouldnt have to commit suicide for my family to care

after everything ive done for my sister and show never gives me any love. after everything ive been through. im standing up against our dad for her too. ive always done. because ove always been the angry kid. always always, and she’s always been te quiet kid. ive done so much for her, ive protected her so much because i know she’s scared of him. i know she’s scared of me too. but she never asks me how im feeling. she never says she loves me or qppreciates me. no one does. she can tell our mom she appreciates that i stand up but never tell me. and NEVER side with me against dad. im always aloen and im so weak and tired. im only doing this because i already have the label as an angry kid. 

i was angry when i was adopted. i was screaming all the time. i was angry and anxious because ive been abandoned multiple times’ and had to deal with these white foreigners i didnt understand. and my mom left me for dad to take care of. she felt like a bad parent and let dad raise me like the unstable psychopath i am today. he always seemed to blame me. theres a reason i feel like the angry annoying kid and that i have no self esteem. it must be from him. probably my whole family, but mainly from him. i was angry when i was adopted, i was angry when my orents divirced, i was angry when i reqlized what a horrible colonial practice international transracial adoption is. all for both me and my sister. because i love her the most in this fucked up family. cus we’re the only chinese adoptees

i hate that i want to revenge through suicide. i hate that im so unhealthy and that i had to go through all of this. i hate all those fucking ”good ppl will not let themselves get broken, they will be kind” fuck you ive been fighting my whole fucking life. these are the quotes that triggers me enogh to kill somebody. ”youre just as bad as your emotionellt abusive dad, as the white pol, the rich, the men who exploited you and separates you from your mother and left you with mental illness and issues that make you uncapable of being loved”

the only thing keeping me alive is the thought of one day going back to china. the only thing keeping me aliev is the thought of being able to avtually help people with my story or knowlege. to help other adoptees or fight for chinese womens rights or smth. thats the only thing. if my life turns out like nothing i’ve been suffering in vain. no one ever needed me. no one ever wanted me. ive always been the only one needing them. the only way for me to heal would be to help others so i can forgive myself. i hate my dad for fuxking me up even more than necessary. i was boound to get these issues sooner or later but the manipulation and absue he gave me will i always hate him for. why did i turn out like this but not my sister? why didnt my sister become a monster like this? and what hurts the most is that i was once proud of my family and my dad. i love him and he took care of me the most. the reason he gave me these fkn issues

[wallses]

1:13pm 03/11/17 Today is Saturday. I was lonely earlier because I can't go home tonight, due to our NSTP activity tomorrow (DRRM 7am-12nn). We don't have classes in our first 3 subjects, then the last is just an exam (in stat huhu). When I am about to go home(dorm), I heard my blockmates that they gonna watch a football game this afternoon at Rizal Memorial Stadium. Since I don't want to go home and start to review for our examsssss next week, I asked them that if I can come to watch the game also. Then they said 'yes'. I know. Uh huh. I am so 'patuki' always. Haha My only intention is to watch the game of women's football, UST vs ATENEO. Since our instructor in PE requires us to watch at least one game for this sem. I told my blockmates that I am sure that UST will lose in this game. Huhuhu. After the meeting of Francine with her Filipino groupmates in Rosarium, I went home first to change my bag before we go to the stadium. Then, when I went back to UST, I texted Leader(Thea) if where she is staying because I told her that I'm ganna text her when I get back to UST. She didn't reply to my texts. Huhu. Then, I crossed the street(?) between carpark parking lot and lover's lane. Since the plan is to meet up at cfad's gate. As I continue walking at lover's lane, I saw kuya Ken sitting there. I don't have any chance but to notice him and say 'hello'. I asked him if he saw Leader(Thea). But he didn't. So I said thank you. And also said that I have to go to look for Thea. Then, I walked again. I tried to call Leader's number. But I know that she's globe so I'm sure that it wont ring. I dont know, but somehow pushed me to do it. Then, it ringed! Omgg. I am so shocked. We meet each other at the first parked bus in front of main building. Then, we stayed for about 30mins in one Pav beside the field to wait for our other blockmates and Choccy who will watch the game as well. Suddenly, kuya Ken appeared. Heading where we were sitting. Then he stayed for about 10mins. Since my blockmates were already at cfad's gate, we've decided to go there too. When we were about to reach where my blockmates are sitting, I heard someone shouted 'NANA' then I realized that no one but my dormmates are the ones who are calling me in this name. So I looked around and I saw KATE!! Sitting from one of the pavs in front of Beato. I shouted her name 'KAAAAAAAAATE' as loud as I can until she reached me and hugged me. We hugged. Like the hug that fits perfectly. Tightly. I felt her. And she tapped my head since she's taller than me. I felt the love and care. I missed her soooo much. Like I am going to cry. Im very happy. I want to hug her more. This is the first time I saw her again since the 1st year ended. She's still thin. Haha. I love her. And really missed her, so bad. Hope to catch up with her soooon. Very soon. Then, I went where my blockmates were seated. When I reached them, they hugged me. I don't know why, but they hugged me all and each of them were saying something to me. I don't know what to feel, but I answered each of their questions and reacted to their statements as well. But Elle's statement is the one that I remembered. She said "Iris, ganda mo talaga sa ppt mo. Grabe. Like super. And ang galing mo mag-edit". I was overwhelmed and don't know what to say or what reaction I must do, so I laugh instead. Hahahaha. Earlier, when I and Francine were about to get back to the room after we finished the food we bought, Elle approached me then she said that I am really pretty at my ppt presentation. So I panicked, because, meaning, others saw it also. Hahahaha. When I entered the room, I saw Inno sitting at the professor's table. And he gave me a thumbs up. Then I gave him a glance to say that 'No. Shhh. Wag kayong maingay' for him not to mention to the class about my ppt. Then, we went to the Rizal's Memorial Stadium when all of us were complete, through riding an fx. Manong driver said to us(passengers) if it is okay to use the other route since it was so traffic in La Salle's place. We all agreed. When we reached the stadium, the fx driver dropped us exactly at the front of the place. Because, in the normal route, they just dropped the passengers in front of La Salle then walk a little bit to reach the place. When the game was about to start, we were already complete and were seated behind the UST's players. During the first half(45mins) of the game, we cheered by ourselves only. But I still enjoyed it. Buuuut, during the break, preparing for the second half, one member of Yellow Jackets approached us. She said "Hello guys. Since pare pareho naman tayong taga-UST and taga-AB, why not sabay-sabay tayong magcheer? Para mas may force?" She's a girl by the way. So we said 'Yes. Sure ate.' Then the 2nd half started. I cheered with all my heart and soul. I give it all. But I didn't feel any pain. Im so happy. I CAN FEEL THE BEAT inside. Hehe. I merely took my seat during this half. Coz I cheered the whole time. Hahahaha. Then, I shouted once the "GO UST!" with super low but load voice. My blockmates and even the three girls from YJ looked at me all of a sudden because they were shocked and they didn't expect that I can shout that way. The game was over. UST won vs Ateneo with score 3-2. I'm so exausted but I didn't endure it because I am still so happy. And I still want to release all my energy coz I can't contain it anymore. I can't force myself to behave. I just want to cheer, shout, and jump. Hahaha. When we were outside the stadium, I(or we?) said "Bye. Kuyaaaa!" and I am still shouting because of the excitement inside of me. Then, one of them approached us. He said "Uhm. Kung sino po babalik ng UST, pwede na po sumabay samin." My eyes open widely. I think half of both my eyeballs will drop anytime. Hahaha. I thought the highlights were over, then this? Oh my. Why am I so lucky? When we were waiting outside the bus, since they were fixing the drum inside, thid 4 students approached me. They asked me "Ate, pwede din po ba kami sumabay?" Then I said "Yes". Though I don't think that we were gonna take a seat inside because the bus was a little bit smaller than the usual. Inside the bus, the Yellow Jackets were seated at the most back part. And we were at the middle. The drums were located at the front. I'm seated on the left side of the bus and Prime(Camille) was beside me. During our way, we prayed first. It was led by a member of YJ. It was in Filipino, and impromtu. We thanked God for the wins of UST athletes today since women's football team weren't the only one who won today. After the prayer, they sang "Itodo mooooooo itodo mooooo itodo mooooooo itodo mooooo ANG AIRCON!" It was so funny to the point I got LSS. Hahahaha. Then, one guy said "Uhm. Bale may bayad po tong sakay na to." And we(or I?) said "What? Awwwwww." Then he continued "Magpapakilala po isa isa." Then they(YJ) shouted in chorus "PAKILALA PAKILALA PAKILALA PAKILALA PAKILALA" hahahaha. Then Denielle said, "Kaya mo na yan, Iris" haha. I said "Halaaa. Oh kuya, alphabetical po ba? Hahahahaha. I don't want to say my name, because I know that it will be a wrong move and I am sure I will regret it eventually if I do this. Hahaha. They said "Ay. Ayaw." in a little bit of sarcasm. Hahaha. I can't remember how we got on the topic about the YJ's recruitment. But I said "Kuya, pa-recruit naman poooo. Hahahaha." Then he said "Ah. Sorry po. Pero hindi na po kasi kami open ngayon for recruitment." I said "aaaaaaw huhu". But someone said, "Pero pwede naman natin itanong sa Leader namin if pwede ulit buksan, since ka-course nyo naman sya." Then they started to sang "Ooooooh(with someone tapping on something). Itanong natin kay Penoy/Paulo(ay. Paulo pala sorry) kung sino'ng kanyang mahaaaaal. Itanong natin kay Paulo, sagot ay di magtatagaaaaaaaaal. Sino ang kanyang mahal. Ang pag-ibig nya'y ang kailangan. Pag-ibig na walang hangganan. Ano ang tunay nyang nararamdamaaaaaaan." Cool right? Woooow. And then I shout "Aaaahhh. Kuya pleeeeese. Ikaw yung may black na hawk na bag diba? I know youuuu. Pleeeease?" Actually, this is the epic-iest part of this night. I sounded super excited which I must not did. Huhu. We're all exhausted. I can feel weary. But I still keep on smiling. Hahahaha. I played 10×10 until we reached Lacson. I took a picture inside the bus. Hehehe. The bus entered at Lacson's gate going to Dapitan, then turn at Tyk's, then at Noval's field then finally, we stopped besides QPAV. So this is it. It's already goodbye. :(( when we we're outside already, we said thank you. And Babye to one guy and a girl(the one who look like Sunny). We said "Ate, kamukha mo sya pag inalis nya yung glasses nya" then the YJ guy said "Oo nga no. Hahahaha." Then finally, we went home. :)) I'm still super hype. Like really. I can't wait to share this experience to others. Hehehe. This is my first time to watch a game, and this was what happened. Omg. Why God is so good to me? Hehe. I WANT TO BE A PART OF THEM! I WANT TO SCREAM AND GROWL! YELLOW JACKETS! GO UST! LET'S GO FIGHT! I CAN STILL FEEL THE FUCKING BEAT INSIDE. I WANT TO FEEL IT EVERYTIME. GO UST!!!!