#this is something i struggle with myself so that's why i said i empathize (well... i guess as much as you CAN empathize)

[uncanny-tranny]

You know... it's okay to trust your body. If you are separated from your body to such an extent you feel you cannot trust it, I truly from the bottom of my heart empathize and feel grief for you, but you can trust your body.

It's okay to listen to your body and to heed what it is telling you. I wish you (and your body) well wherever you go. You deserve the peace of mind to feel able to do what you want.

[planet-crait]

Part 1 analysis of Dev Dimmadone from Fairly Oddparents A New Wish. A couple of things I want to mention before jumping into this, I have not finished the first season. Last episode I watched was Pattys Possum Party Playground, but I have thoughts and I decided to share them before I reach the end so I can see how my thoughts change as the season goes on or after I finish the finale. Second I recognize I have some bias regarding Dev. I’ll go into more detail why but I heavily empathize with Dev and his struggles so it’s something I wanted to make clear before I started. I’ll also put a Trigger Warning for discussing abuse and my own experiences with it so please keep that in mind. Apologies for how long this gets I didn’t realize how much I had to say about Dev until I started writing. With all of that said let’s get into it.

Something that caught my attention very very early on regarding Dale and Devs relationship is it is painfully and abundantly clear Dale has no love for Dev. We see Dev adores and looks up to his father but no matter how hard Dev tries that love is not reciprocated.

It is unfortunately common for kids who are neglected at home to lash out at school and misbehave, it gets to a point where even negative attention is better than no attention. This is of course not healthy or good behavior but more desperate acts of a kid desperate for any sort of attention.

Growing up, I was in a somewhat not necessarily similar situation to Dev but I can somewhat see parts of myself in Dev? I’m not sure the best wording for it but I was not wealthy nor my family, but I was largely outcasted by my peers and ignored and bullied by them. It was hell. And while Dev isn’t bullied by anyone, he certainly is more the bully, he’s also very alone.

Despite being bullied I had my family who at least cared and I had the occasional recess person? I can’t remember their official title but they wherent teachers lolz. But regardless they took pity on me and let me hang out with them. For Dev though….he doesn’t have anyone in his corner. His dad doesn’t care about him, he has no friends and the teachers don’t care about him. He’s just painfully alone. No one has his back. The sins of his father are put on Devs shoulders regardless of how realistic it is to blame him for things. We see Mr. Guzman glaring at Dev in Lost and Founders Day

All Dev did was hand out bracelets his dad made but Mr. Guzman is suspicious, it seems, of Dev himself as if he is up to something bad with them. The animators actively choose to have Mr. Guzman look at a nine year old this way. He could have been looking this way at the bracelets but no. It was directed towards Dev himself. Despite him, for now, being friends with Hazel and seemingly behaving better Mr. Guzman doesn’t trust that Dev is changing and improving. Instead of being glad something changed with Dev, Dev is met with distrust and suspicion.

In that same episode Hazel assumes the worst of Dev and assumes he was behind everything that happened at the Founders Day Festival. She refuses to listen to him and even give him a chance to explain and decides he’s a bad person. Now this isn’t to say Hazel is a bad person for this, more it was unfair and so far I haven’t seen any real resolution to this. Dev almost seems to be held to a different standard in this regard, we see Hazel screw up big time in The Wellsington Hotellsington in regards to Winn and Jasmine and they forgive her right after she apologizes despite Winn not knowing her for long. Hazel similarly hasn’t known Dev for that long but won’t even let him apologize and storms off very angrily and seemingly never reached out to him to try and work things out.

No Dev does not either but I don’t blame him as much in that regard because Dev clearly has never had friends before Hazel. He doesn’t know really it’s okay for friends to fight and make up and still be friends. And with how Hazel blew up at him I was kind of thinking as well Hazel decided the bridge was burned so to speak and was admittedly surprised when she said in Battle of the Dimmisonian that they could still be friends (which I…question how accurate a statement from Hazel that is but I’ll get their I promise). It’s interesting to me Dev is worried about how Hazel perceives him despite them not being friends. Even though Hazel turned her back on him, he still wants some sort of connection with her even if he’s going about it in an unhealthy manner. Again negative attention is better then no attention, so even if it means fighting and bickering he’d rather take that than have absolutely nothing.

This kid has sky high walls he’s built, but they’re shaky and crumble at the slightest pressure. After only two days of being friendly Dev is willing to disobey a direct order from his father and put himself in harms way to keep Hazel safe. This is very likely the first time Dev has ever disobeyed his father, the man he is desperate to prove himself to and get some sort of love and affection from. He risks ever getting that from his father to protect Hazel, someone he’s not been on friendly terms with for all that long. Which makes him being so alone all the sadder.

I mentioned it in another post but Dev has a lot of love to give people who are willing to put in honestly what feels like the bare minimum of work to break down his walls. And it seems no one has even tried to get past them. He’s written off by everyone as nothing but a rich bully that doesn’t care when that couldn’t be further from the truth when push comes to shove. He’s willing to disobey his father, someone he still is desperate to win the love and affection of, to protect someone that matters to him.

Circling back to the point I mentioned earlier about my doubts regarding Hazel still considering Dev her friend. Now this may just be an oversight but…it still happened so I feel it’s okay to discuss here. In Pattys Possum Party Playground we see pretty much all the classmates we’ve seen previously hanging out and having fun, Dev however is missing. I’m not saying anyone has to invite him, but if you consider someone a friend…why not invite them? Maybe the background characters were thrown in to make it seem more like a party and to emphasize them then being alone. Why not include Dev then as well? Why is he left out of the fun with everyone? A line from say Hazel commenting his dad wouldn’t let him come would do a lot of heavy lifting to show how terrible Dale is and how rough Dev has it and show Hazel is thinking about him.

Again, Hazel doesn’t have to be his friend. But she said they could be friends which is why I mention this. I will admit this is potentially where my own biases come into play. I was the kid people said was their “friend” to get teachers off of their backs and I just didn’t realize this is what was happening and it hurt when I was excluded from things. If I was in Devs shoes I’d feel hurt I wasn’t invited to something everyone else was invited to. And I imagine it would hurt even more as someone already struggling to try and get some sort of love and affection from anyone really.

I hope I’m wrong and I hope we see more of Hazel and Dev rebuilding their friendship, but I’m concerned we won’t really see that or any consequences to that really play out. Again could be wrong I’ll have to wait and see in that regard this is just how I’m seeing things with my own biases as of right now where I’m at in season 1.

We know that Dev gets Peri because he is miserable due to his and Hazels fight and his father’s very public rejection of him. Godparents are supposed to help make things easier to deal with for their kids and help them navigate their difficult lives. Unfortunately, so far from what I’ve seen Peri and Dev aren’t a great match for Godparent and Godchild. I’ve only seen their dynamic for one episode, but when they first met, we see Dev is extremely exited when he first meets Peri:

However, something things to go very wrong because he goes from being sad but not wearing his sunglasses to being back in his sunglasses and being overall disinterested in Peri while Peri seems very frustrated and disinterested in forming any sort of bond with Dev.

I don’t know what all has happened between the pair, but for me it’s notable he wasn’t wearing his sunglasses when he and Peri first met and are wearing them again next time we see him. He was so excited to met Peri and I wonder if he wanted to try and have some sort of bond with him that was shut down. We don’t know obviously and it’s just speculation on my end but it’s something I wonder about.

When Peri notices his parents later on in the episode he’s so focused on himself he’s not even acknowledging Dev or his questions and seems uninterested in sharing about himself. For me, it reads that Peri is really only focused on granting wishes and not about with forming any sort of bond with Dev, something Dev right now desperately needs. He’s lonely and sad and lashing out because he’s been denied real affection for so long and doesn’t know how to connect with other people. It’s sad that his AU Pairs seem to on some level recognize this as they try and comfort Dev after Lost and Founders Day and acknowledge that they cannot give Dev what he needs.

I honestly think Dev would be much better off with a Godparent like Cosmo and Wanda or even Juandissimo, he needs a Godparent who is willing and knows how to connect with a kid like Dev who has a seriously troubled homelife and Peri doesn’t have the tools or knowledge to really help Dev in the ways he needs. I imagine based on what we’ve seen recently of what Jorgan thinks Godparents need to be for their Godkids I am not surprised Peri isn’t handling Dev the best. He was likely taught granting wishes correctly and quickly for their kids is what makes a Godparent good, rather than forming a connection and understanding their godkid. This isn’t exactly Peri’s fault, he’s new and inexperienced but it doesn’t change the fact that it’s not helping Dev either and granting wishes isn’t what he needs, he needs love and someone to be their for him that loves and cares about him.

A side note, I realize again this is more of a gag and not meant to be taken seriously but since I’m looking at all of the things that has happened to Dev so far I just have to wonder. In Battle of the Dimmasonian, Peri’s first instinct is to hide Dev from his parents when they ask if he has a Godkid.

Again I know this is just for a gag but don’t we all love playing the game of “find ways to emotionally devastate our favorite characters even more so we can give them comfort and put them back together again? No? Just me? Well I’m gonna do it anyways. If I was in Devs shoes in this moment I would probably be thinking that my Godparent is ashamed of me, that they don’t want to be associated with me or anyone to know that they where assigned to help me. We know Peri is anxious and doesn’t want his parents smothering him or being weird about his first godkid but Dev definitely doesn’t know this given all the questions he asked that Peri didn’t answer. In Devs mind this could be just another person rejecting him without giving him a chance. Another public rejection of him.

Again I know this is a nothing burger moment in the grand scheme of things but it’s fun to imagine something for it. This being the moment Dev realizes Peri is just another adult in his life stuck with him who doesn’t care about him. Dev falling into the mindset of “if he doesn’t care about me, why should I care about him?” Because angst is just a little fun to think about.

Dev is so desperate for love and attention he tries to get something for his dad by trying to make it work related in the hopes of Dale noticing and agreeing to do “work”. Asking to throw merch boxes back and forth, testing proximity sensors by holding hands this kid will do anything to get something from Dale but it’s not enough.

It’s hard to properly describe the devastation that comes from realizing someone who should love you, who you thought loves you never did. It’s a gut punch over and over again every time you look at them. This recently happened to me and to be frank I’m still not okay from it. You think someone has your back and cares about you but then you come to realize that you’re nothing to them. For me I swing wildly between rage and crying uncontrollably, for a kid as young as Dev I can’t even imagine what that knowledge is doing to him. And what’s worse is even when knowing you don’t matter to this person and that they don’t love you, your love for them doesn’t just….go away. It lingers, longs for some sort of proof that it was just a fluke, that they love you, that you’re not unlovable and the smallest scraps they throw your way have you scrambling to hold onto that, to show them that you are worthy of their love, but it never works, and you’re just tossed away again like trash. You start to wonder if it’s you that’s the problem. You think there has to be something you’ve done to warrant being treated this way. There isn’t though, but to accept that you would also have to contend with the person you love being a monster and it’s not an easy pill to swallow, it’s almost easier to see yourself as the problem and try desperately to try and “fix” whatever your loved one thinks is wrong with you. You live in survival mode just trying to get through it all and it doesn’t just shut off when you’re not around the person or people causing the harm it’s constantly running.

Since this is a kids show I highly highly doubt they’ll really truly dive into the trauma and after affects of dealing with emotional abuse. When I was a kid shows where willing to dive into these topics but shows these days tend to shy away from it (something I have issue with but that’s not the focus of todays post). I just more am sharing because I think some aspects are applicable to Dev.

Again I have a support system, I have friends who worry and care and let me vent and cry and try and deal with it all. Dev has no one in his corner. No adults looking out for him, no friends to offer comfort, he’s painfully alone and dealing with this sheer devastation, pain so bad it’s the tipping point for him getting a Godparent who unfortunately seems overall disinterested in really engaging with Dev in any meaningful way.

Previous posts have somewhat discussed the Dale situation but it was very uh angry for Dev so maybe I can try and write out my thoughts without wanting to commit a crime. Dale is a horrible parent. There isn’t any other way to put it. He’s a shit parent who emotionally abuses and manipulates Dev, who is desperate for his love and affection. Dev tries to sell acts of affection as work related to try and get attention from his dad and is willing to do insane things if it’s what he wants (he seriously considers eating a lizard. This kid is just so desperate for love). Dale emotionally manipulates Dev and tries to use his own past to guilt trip Dev and deny letting him just be a kid. Kids shouldn’t ever have to work, they’re kids they should be able to just be kids but Dale has Dev so spun around and desperate for love he’ll work if it means maybe his dad will love him. It doesn’t work but Dev is desperate and willing to do anything if it means getting even crumbs of affection from his father who can’t even be bothered to great his son and walk away without him forcing Dev to run to catch up.

Dale clearly has been extremely absent from Devs life overall, we see in Peace of Pizza just how excited Dev was when he thought his dad actually came for Dev.

He’s so happy and carefree and excited to see his dad come to support Dev and the anger when he realizes it’s not Dale hurts all the more. For just a moment he thought maybe his dad did care and want to be there for him but no, he doesn’t even care. It’s notable to me that when he finds out Hazel tried to trick him into thinking his dad came is when Dev really gets angry. He was mostly just playing games and such until that moment when he seems to get genuinely angry and I wonder if that comes from a place of deep hurt. The one thing he wants more then anything is for his dad to actually be there for him, and in his mind Hazel takes that desire and mocks him with it, trying to parade a pretend dad just to use him to get what she wants from him.

This next part is pure speculation but I just don’t know another way to explain this. After Dev revealed he’s lactose intolerant and him being forced to watch everyone else have fun and enjoy something he cannot have a why he was fighting so hard against letting them have one, Hazel mentions they could have ordered him a lactose free version which makes Dev freeze and comment he thought that was a myth. Now I know from a writing standpoint they wanted to make sure it’s Hazel who saves the day, however it carries a very painful implication of Dale likely actively lying to Dev about lactose free alternatives for Dev. I can’t imagine why he would do such a thing, maybe he thinks they taste or smell gross and don’t want them in the house? So he thinks it’s easier to just lie and say they don’t exist and eat pizza and such in front of Dev who can only watch in misery.

And yes I am assuming Dale likely would do this based off of when Dev talks about how he would have to sit and watch everyone enjoy pizza and not get any. He sounds like he’s talking from personal experience and with how sensitive to it he is it feels more like a reaction to something he’s had to deal with before vs a fear of it he has.

Regardless of it I’m correct or not, it is undeniable the school really spectacularly failed Dev in this regard and once again set him up for failure. What do I mean by that? In Peace of Pizza we see Dev show Hazel his allergy card.

(Yes I am going on a mini tangent here bare with me I didn’t know a better place to put this) now I don’t know about you but I have only ever seen allergy cards like this in either a school setting or perhaps at a large dinner where everyone is defaulted to being served the same plate of food and people with allergies or other dietary restrictions have a card so the server knows they have one of the special plates. This to me indicates the school knows or should reasonably know Dev can’t have lactose. Despite them reasonably knowing Dev can’t have pizza, they do not offer him any alternatives to enjoy as a reward. As a kid when something like this was done, an alternative was given to the kid with allergies so they could still participate in the fun and not feel left out, however for Dev it seems the default is he’s left out. He’s expected to and frowned upon for not participating in Kindness Day despite, in his eyes, him being actively punished if he does. While everyone else gets a reward to enjoy, he would have to watch and be miserable. No, this is not the end of the world obviously but it is incredibly unkind to Dev to not have anything for him that he can enjoy as a reward despite being expected to participate for a reward the school knows he cannot have and it carries an extra sting happening on a day literally called kindness day.

Yes I know that the school is trying to teach kids the importance of kindness so it shouldn’t be about the reward, but again it does feel wildly unfair to reward most students while seemingly singling out one to not get anything. They’re trying to teach kindness while refusing to be kind to one of their students. And further yes I understand this was done so we could see Hazel be a good negotiator and be the hero. Yes fine, but it is hard to ignore the implications this writing choice carries regarding Dev. It shows the school is extremely disinterested at best regarding Dev and his health needs and I don’t blame Dev for not wanting to participate if this is what the school does when Dev has an allergy restriction and can’t enjoy something for the entire class. Hazel has to be the one to wish for a pizza for Dev. It’s not Hazels job to make sure her classmates feel included and have fun. It shouldn’t fall on her shoulders to help her classmates, that should be on the teachers but they didn’t seem to notice or care Dev was feeling left out. The school could afford to buy a whole pile of pizzas it doesn’t feel unreasonable to think they could afford to do something so Dev doesn’t feel so left out.

Like I don’t know get him Oreos or something it doesn’t have to be big just something so he’s not the only one who doesn’t get anything. Again yes I realize the point was to have Hazel save the day and get her and Dev closer I understand this but that doesn’t change the fact that it makes the school seem to not care about a kid who is already severely emotionally neglected at home. They could have had the school offer an alternative that Dev didn’t like or if they wanted to keep this a secret have Mr. Guzman be the one to hand Dev the lactose free pizza and make some comment and realize he forget to tell Dev or something. Yes it’s not ideal to have him forget to say anything but for me it would be easier to hand wave away then absolutely nothing, and again it just adds onto Dev the feeling that he is unimportant and doesn’t matter. These moments of rejection and loneliness start to add up and get harder and harder to deal with emotionally.

Rewinding some for just a second but in Stanky Danky we do see a brief moment of Dale showing more love and affection to a sentient trash can than Dev. Once again it’s a short moment on screen for us but we can see Dev is pretty upset and hurt by this rejection.

Dev seems to bounce back from this pretty quickly, possibly he’s used to his dad behaving this way which is a whole other can of worms to open up but at this point, he’s not friends with Hazel and still has his walls up which I think potentially plays a part in this but I’ll circle back to that.

Then theirs the uh infamous statue scene that is emotionally devastating and no one besides Hazel and sort of Wanda seem to recognize how fucked up it is. Even still Hazel forgets all about Dev the second she wins the hat and once again, Dev is a lower priority than an inanimate object. Let me be clear, I am not angry at Hazel, she’s a kid at the end of the day and frankly it’s very easy to distract kids. She’s not a bad kid or friend here for getting distracted I’m just discussing from the Dev side of things that in this episode the two people that matter most to him have placed an inanimate object as their priority over Dev. Whether or not Dev realizes Hazel forgot about him for her hat isn’t exactly clear, but it happened and I talk about it solely because it makes my heart hurt and if I have to suffer so do you.

What’s interesting to me is we see Dev has been suffering for some time, but it’s only after Founders Day that he finally is given a Godparent. Arguably it’s likely the getting direct confirmation that boots are more important to his father then his own son, he bought them on the day Dev was born, seemingly if Devs math is correct, and that overshadowed Devs birth, but I find it interesting to explore some other factors that maybe make the blow feel even worse.

We know Dev hasn’t had a friend before Hazel, she’s really the first person that he called a friend. She helped bring down his sky high walls that his classmates seemed to intimidated by to even attempt to cross over. (I also wonder if somehow a fear of Dale maybe also involved with his lack of friends). And we also know Dale is at best emotionally distant which likely Dev impersonated to try and fit in better with his dad and to try and protect himself from getting hurt. However, Hazel breaks down that protective barrier he’s had on so when his dads statue is revealed and he and Hazel fight, it hurts more then it did previously because he doesn’t have that protection anymore and has to face the full brunt of that pain and rejection. Not only that but he is also, in his mind, losing his first and only friend despite him risking so much trying to keep her safe from his dad. Being rejected hurts, but being rejected while trying to do the right thing? Thats got to be an even bigger emotional blow.

I know some of what happens in the season 1 finale, I don’t know all the details or how we get their but I have a feeling Devs feelings of being unwanted and unloved potentially play a massive role in his breakdown. His school couldn’t care less about him, his dad is emotionally abusive, he doesn’t have any friends and every time he gets a glimpse of happiness it’s brutally ripped away from him. This is a literal 9 year old child, and he’s having to deal with being neglected and ignored by any person in his life who is supposed to really be there for him. It’s realistic to life kids slip through the cracks far too often, but that doesn’t make it hurt any less, especially knowing that things just get worse for him from here. All I can hope is season 2 gives him some relief and he gets someone in his life who genuinely cares about him and will be there for him.

That’s everything so far I have in regards to thoughts about Dev. I always love hearing other people’s thoughts and I certainly will have more as I continue with the season.

[my-rose-tinted-glasses]

Rose Recaps 2023 - Japan

So, because I have a hard time making big lists and choosing favourites, this my version of a superlative post, by country.

The one that had me at the first frame

If It’s With You | Kimi to Nara Koi wo Shite Mite mo

As soon as Amane appeared on screen I was gone. This damaged but confident boy had my heart from the beginning. But it was Ryuji that ended up with a bigger piece by the end. The way he saw Amane’s mask from the beginning and just went – “you don’t need to do that with me”. And the way he considered Amane’s feelings even when he wasn’t sure what to do or how to respond, or how he was feeling about all of it, was just beautiful to witness and at certain points kinda reminded of Ida.

Favourite Moment: Amane confessing and running away. Because visually it's so striking. The way he's running from the light that is Ryuji.

The one that was perfect and I never saw coming.

I Cannot Reach You | Kimi ni wa Todokanai

I think that by now at least some people know how I feel about Japanese BL. I love it so much. And for me it’s always about the characters. Whether they are the embodiment of chaos, like Aoki or they are just incredible complex and empathic humans like Ida. - Yes, I’m using Kieta Hatsukoi every chance I get- I just love the way all these characters are written and portrait.

I loved these 2 boys in equal measure all throughout the show. I might have a soft spot for Yamato, but that’s only because pining boys are my weakness.

Yamato’s back and forth in his own head about what to do would be annoying to me in any other show, but it was so well done, and we were privy to his thought process throughout that it just made me feel for him deeply. And Kakeru learning about Yamato’s feelings right away in the first episode was a great choice, because he gave the show time to make the reciprocity more believable.

Favourite Moment - The exchange of gifts at the door. I love the nervousness that the two of them are feeling in this moment.

The one where I gave in.

My Beautiful Man S2 & Eternal

Confession time. This was not love at first season for me. I don’t argue quality overall and much less the acting of the show, but it just didn’t click for me.

There were some truly great moments in the first season but there was a disconnect between my heart and my brain. This happens to me sometimes. Like I watch something that is objectively good but it doesn’t reach me.

That all changed with the second season and the film. I finally connect with Hira. Don't ask me why, I don't fully understand myself, but it happened right at the beginning of the season. I think perhaps it was because I started seeing more from Kiyoi pov, because before I was absolutely clueless about what he saw in Hira in the first place. Sorry if that sounds harsh.

I don't blame the show for this, as I said, I think all the elements are there, it just didn't connect for me.

Also, the film was gorgeous to watch. Several moments (specially the sequence where the gif is from) were so well shot and edited that I'm happy I went in already with a positive mindset.

Favourite Moment: The one from the gif. I'm a sucker for a drastic visual change when the moment calls for it.

The one that had me question if watching it was good for my mental health.

Tokyo in April is | Shigatsu no Tokyo wa

Ok. I love this show. I love Ren. But this was a hard watch for me. Every week I had a struggle between two sides of me.

- Don’t watch it. It will be sad and you will be sad because of it. - But the last one was sad so I need to watch it to see if there’s happy. - Why not just wait? - Because I started already, so now I can’t wait. - But in this case binging is best. Cause for sure the ending is happy so you won’t be sad for long. - Yeah, but I need to see more now. And there’s a new episode waiting for me. - Fine. Just press play. After the episode. - I really shouldn’t watch this one live. (all this repeats the following week)

It was beautifully acted, there were some outstanding moments, the past was as tastefully done as it could be given the subject matter, and in the end my heart of full, but slightly damaged with the process.

Favourite Moment: Ren finding out Kazuma had been looking for him.

The one with all the magic.

What Did You Eat Yesterday? | Kinou Nani Tabeta? S2

I already wrote how this show made me feel in another post. So I’ll just say this.

EVERYONE NEEDS TO WATCH THIS SHOW. NOW. If you haven’t, stop reading this and go. GO. NOW. Start.

There is magic here and you don’t even know.

Favourite Moment: ALL OF THEM. But really this one.

Shiro. Just Shiro.

Well, I'll try to write the next one in these next couple of days. Wish me luck.

Thanks for reading💜

[compassionatereminders]

Venting;

my bf refuses to let me say that i’m fucking sad bc i hardly have a social circle and i struggle to make friends. he always fucking rebuttals it with “well, you have me, you have [roommate friend], you have [friend], you have [lists people i don’t consider friends]” which is like fucking not the point! “quality over quantity” he says LIKE THE QUALITY ISNT MY WHOLE FUCKING POINT AND WHY I FEEL SO ALONE. i feel lonely! i can’t talk to anyone about hardly anything when it comes to my partner either because they’re all friends with each other. anytime i make a new acquaintance either my partner or my roommate become better friends with them than me.

i text and talk to people constantly to hang out and rarely get replies or invited back. these same people will spam my roommate with facetimes and hang out invites and my partner just tells me i have to “actually try” to make people treat me that way. Which feels like he’s insinuating i don’t fucking try? but when i say “hey, i feel that you’re suggesting that i don’t try— or that i’m having a pity party— when all i need is for you to be kind and empathize with my feelings, which you don’t have to do by saying i’m 100% right about i’m feeling!” then that’s immediately thrown back in my face. my partner says i’m just being “[my name]” about it, and it hurts.

most recently one of those people that i introduced my roommate too and then promptly lost as a friend despite trying to hang out with her numerous times was having a superbowl party. my bf was invited and my roommate was invited. i was not. when i expressed i was not invited, my bf argued that this friend actually HAD invited me, but i was zoned out at the time (during class!!!) and didn’t listen. i never received a text from her, i never received any more details from her, nothing. literally just my bf saying she’s invited me more than once, but NEVER DIRECTLY TO ME.

but apparently i’m fucking crazy to suggest that i didn’t feel genuinely invited and therefore didn’t want to go unless i was explicitly told by her she’d like me to be there! i texted her the night of and she said i “could come if i wanted to” but at the time of the super bowl she was out of the house with a friend. my partner and my roommate were both invited not just to her watch party but to other people’s watch parties. i was only “””invited””” to hers, and even then am i that fucking crazy for not feeling like it was a real invite?? when my whole problem is that my entire social circle is based around my bf and roommate no matter how i try to make my own friends and i don’t get invited to hang out unless i make the plan first?

it’s just so fucking upsetting that i’m this giant fucking loser and every time i get emotional about it my partner insinuates i have to stop “being [myself] about it” and “be proactive.” he’s neurotypical and i’m not and this often is a difference that’s hard for us to navigate when it comes to talking abt social shit.

but this is actually driving me so batshit upset right now and i’m venting to you because once again i literally have 0 friends that i can talk to that aren’t also friends with my boyfriend. i also do not have friends that are awesome about talking about emotions in depth, which is something that’s really important to me in a friendship. i can’t confide how i’m feeling with most of the people my bf would define for me as “friends” bc they’re not friends to me!

i can go to a friend and trust them with my baggage and change without worrying who it’s going to hurt or how they’re going to judge me for it. i can go to a friend with trivial shit and they’re still up in arms to support how i’m feeling, even if they’re also telling me i’m being irrational! i have friends in my home state (6 hours away from my college here) that are amazing at listening to me without judging me and still giving me reality checks. i don’t need or want a person who just says i’m right all the time, but i do need someone who can feel my feelings with me and actually talk about them if that makes any freaking sense.

it’s also hard bc i started college and went through some extremely traumatic experiences right off the bat which continued through my sophomore year. it led to a ton of bullying within my relatively small major. to the point that random girls came up to me at a party & asked if i was [my first & last name]” and when i said yes they laughed and walked away. to the point that i was in a group with a random girl from our major and she said “to be honest, i’m surprised how nice you are. i didn’t wanna say anything but i’ve heard a lot about you.” despite us having zero mutual friends!

i already dealt with a lot of mental health issues prior to all of this, which ended up fueling my severe social anxiety and a constant nagging fear that people already know who i am and hate me. i know it’s not true, and i’m working super hard on it. i’m a junior now and for the first time since college started i introduced myself to someone new and they’ve actually been a wonderful friend. i’ve started talking to people in class around me again. i’m trying so freaking hard to be normal again.

the tldr of it is i’m so lonely here and i’m so upset that i can’t express how i feel about social interaction and how much i miss the person i was (and i’m trying to be again) to my partner without feeling belittled. then i’m getting angry bc of the cycle and i hate being angry at him. then i try to explain what i’m trying to get out of these conversations and that i do understand not having friends is ultimately my fault, but i just wanna hear that its okay to mourn and feel weird about it all. i hate that i can’t talk to him. i hate that i don’t have my best friends here, or even close enough to see anymore. i feel like i’m a horrible person all of the time and i can’t stop fearing that i really am just a horrible bad person. i’m so stuck and yet i’m trying as hard as i can right now. i love him so much and hearing him basically say my feelings are wrong and i’m not trying hard enough hurts SO. FUCKING. BAD. but maybe i am being crazy or too stubborn, and i don’t even know.

and yes. i am therapy-shopping rn. but i just needed this off my chest bc i’ve been stewing in it for weeks and i’m so exhausted of blowing up and arguing over this dumb thing. i just need someone to hear me i guess.

thanks for reading this if you do. i really appreciate your blog & how safe it is for me. i feel less alone seeing your responses to asks/vents like this one. so thank you, truly.

No I'm with you on this one like yeah, there ARE ways to respectfully question your conclusions, but completely dismissing and invalidating your experiences and emotions is just not the way to do that. You have a right to your emotions, and even if some of your conclusions might not necessarily fit into their experience of the situation, you still have a right to your own experience, and you still deserve comfort and support from the people who are supposed to be your friends and partners. Like of course you're feeling lonely if no one is willing to take your struggles seriously enough to actually support you through them

[teawiththegods]

I’ve been working with Aphrodite for around 5 years now and I have the absolute worst luck when it comes to romance and love and I don’t know how to not be upset at Her sometimes about it. Like I know in retrospect it’s bs of me to blame my bad luck on Her and not trust that She has a plan for me but sometimes I just wanna scream Why Aren’t You Helping Me whenever I get my heart broken by yet another person and I think sometimes She gets frustrated with me because I don’t trust Her the way I should but I just don’t know how to change that. I’ve also asked for Her help when it comes to love so many times but I’m starting to think that isn’t Her plan for me and it makes me really sad. I want to stop getting hurt and I want to stop blaming Her and this was my long winded way of asking if you have any advice? :(

Hello, love!

I’m really sorry you’re going through a difficult time. I empathize with you because I understand this struggle of wanting to trust in the gods but things not always working in our favor. It’s not easy and I would bet Moo Kitty’s toe beans that the majority of worshipers also struggle with this in some way.

So first order of business is to not be so hard on yourself for feeling frustrated. Take a deep breath. It’s okay. 😮‍💨👍🏻

Secondly, let’s discuss where the struggle comes from. Or well one of the places it comes from. Expectation. See the problem with asking a god for help is that we tend to have a very specific image of what that “help” will look like but how the gods interpret “helping” may be very different from that image.

This actually happens a lot when it comes to Aphrodite and people asking her for help with their love lives. When people invoke Aphrodite they are expecting her to bring love into their lives or improve an existing romantic relationship. The idea that Aphrodite’s “help” could be the exact opposite of that never really crosses peoples minds. If you’re relationship is unhealthy why wouldn’t she work to get you out of it? If you’re not in the right headspace for a relationship why would she bring you one?

Where the trust comes in is trusting that Aphrodite (and the gods in general) will always work in our best interest, even when the outcome doesn’t match the result we initially wanted.

I know I’m talking like this shit is easy but as I said earlier, I know first hand it’s super hard. So no judgment from me. I’m listening to my own advice right now because I need to hear it myself! 🤣😭✌🏻

But let’s talk about your situation specifically. Now I’m not Aphrodite (I do not have an ass that bangin) and I can’t say for sure what her plan is here, however i can give my thoughts on it if you’re open to that.

My beliefs on how the gods ultimately help us is that they don’t make things magically appear or disappear. They aren’t bippity boppity booing a pumpkin into a carriage so we can go marry a prince and finally afford healthcare. Their help is better described as “guidance” because they give us the tools, knowledge, wisdom, and strength to solve our problems and change our lives ourselves.

In your case, I wonder if Aphrodite wants you to take a step back and look at your previous heartbreaks and see if there’s anything to learn? Not always, but often times a string of “bad luck” in love is actually bad patterns, habits, and cycles we find ourselves continuously indulging. Perhaps it’s time to do some self reflection with Aphrodite?

Of course check in with Aphrodite because as I said before I can’t speak for her. I’m just giving my own thoughts based on my experiences. But regardless I hope you found something useful here! 💕

[detectivehole]

I feel deep catholic guilt and discomfort whenever I see art that glorifies satanic stuff or even posts that are anti-God, even though I wasn't raised catholic. Is this normal for people. I'm personally very pro God even though people think I'm a devil worshiper based on my appearance and interests

it's fine that you vented, i don't mind

ftr im just some dude i can't offer significant advice (i'll take a shot) or speak for other people. im not particularly smart or insightful

tldr: you're not abnormal for it but religious guilt that interferes with your life is not good for you. you should speak with a therapist and take time for considerable introspection

catholic guilt is not the only form of religious or even christian guilt; many religions, notably (because i am from the west and most familiar with them) abrahamic ones, can cause or even deliberately wield guilt as an extension of ensuring faith. catholic guilt is often a distinction made because the catholic faith is notorious for its weaponization of guilt in its practice. if you experience religious guilt, but were never or are not catholic, it is not catholic guilt- this isn't, like, a defense of the concept, i just think making that distinction is important for someone struggling with religious guilt. knowing exactly what you're dealing with is important, you don't want to confuse it easily with something else

feeling religious guilt either because you were raised religious or because you live in a culturally christian (im assuming based off the question) society is not good for you, but it is arguably pretty normal. that being said it is absolutely something you should focus energy on and work towards overcoming and processing- there is no reason to feeling guilty and afraid of innocent, innocuous, and harmless behaviors, things, and actions, just because a flawed doctrine has demonized them arbitrarily. your moral compass, and the convictions you hold that's violations might cause guilt, should be held 100% of your own volition after your own careful consideration- not held because of fear, forced faith, or exclusively because of outside influence

religion itself is not a evil or bad, neither is it good and just. it is a neutral concept that is capable of an immense amount of beauty as well as an immense amount of ugliness. religious people are, the vast majority of the time, totally normal people with totally normal senses of right and wrong- whether it's strictly in-line with their faith or not; identical in this way to any non-religious person, or another person of any other faith

all i mean is that you should be considering what you belive and why- if you find it has no conflicts with your faith, that's perfectly fine. if you find it does, that's fine too. just make sure you make the choice on how to move forward in life for reasons of genuine conviction, compassion, and logic- nothing else. do not let anything else control you

if god remains important to you, then that's just fine. just make sure you have a healthy relationship with the concept- no nonsensical, arbitrary guilt

--

im not entity certain what "pro god" means but whatever it is i am likely not myself. i was raised with religious influences but i hold no genuine religious convictions of any kind. i resent aspects of christianity that have hurt myself and others, as well as many fundamental aspects of the christian interpretation of life and the world, so despite complete lack of faith, i frequently take jabs at the concept and often with a "pro satan" tone. this is all to say i don't think we can entirely empathize on that front, and whatever ive told you has been said with a low backing drone of resentment to the concept of of a christian god. i tired to be impartial in the above text, but it's important to make you potential biases known

hope all that texts literally anything at all to you 👍 sorry it makes little sense

[pastelwitchling]

Chain of Iron by Cassandra Clare

⭐⭐⭐⭐

Just finished my reread of this in preparation for Chain of Thorns, and yep, ranking's still the same. I have so many complicated feelings about CC's works, and this was no different. So, without further ado, let's get into it.

Things I loved:

- Cordelia, Lucie, Alastair, Effie, Magnus Bane (obviously), and the Merry Thieves.

- Will. By the gods, did he bring such light to this book.

- I love how much I ended up really admiring Grace this time around. I hated her in the first book, and was caught up in hating her that I felt little to nothing for her and her struggles in the second book, especially considering after everything she'd done to James and Cordelia. But I really found myself not only empathizing with her this time around, but also appreciating the person she had to become, and I actually really wish we had a whole book with her Christopher properly getting to spend time together.

- Matthew. Just. Matthew. Love him so much.

- The romantic intimate scenes were written so painfully well. I just love Cordelia and James together.

- About half the jokes, particularly at the end. More on that below.

- Most of the battle scene with Lilith and Belial at the end, and Leviathan at the Institute courtyard. I'll get into that as well.

- Ariadne Bridgestock. She deserved so much better.

Things I hated:

- All the theft, in my opinion, from Order of the Phoenix 😅 I wouldn't be so frustrated by it if anyone else was mentioning it, but nobody is. So. Yeah, James seeing the actions of a serial killer through his dreams as if he was the one doing it? Fearing he might've actually been the one doing it in the middle of the night by being possessed? Feeling this intense hatred that he couldn't explain? Getting splitting headaches afterwards that left him staggering, not being able to focus on where he was or who he was with? Deciding to spy on the actions of the killer through his dreams? Come on, Cassie.

- Oh my GODS the cluttered sentences. There has been ZERO improvement on that front since TMI. Things described in the same way a hundred times in the same sentence or passage. People shrugging "philosophically," things being described as "lightning," the amount of times we get the description of snowflakes against lantern lights and the sight of London covered in snow. The weather rarely changed, so I don't know why we had to start every chapter with descriptions about it.

- In my opinion, there are way too many descriptions of specific areas of London, and it, again, completely clutters up the paragraphs that I just found myself lost all the time. Unless you know the streets of early 1900's London very well, it's very easy for everything to get jumbled up together.

- The extremely detailed descriptions of people’s lips, or necks, or throats, or collarbones…. There were just so many, and they, again, just felt cluttered.

- Things were dramatic for no reason, just to move the plot along. In what possible universe would Will Herondale, of all people, tell James to keep something important hidden from his parabatai and wife? It makes absolute no sense for his character.

- The jokes at death sites? We can save the one-liners for another time, guys, it's okay.

- The fact that none of these siblings are ever written like real siblings. I don't feel the relationship between them at all. Again, where I appreciated Grace a bit more because her attachment is the only one that makes any kind of sense.

- Thomas being furious with Alastair and everybody treating him the way they did because of something he said back in their academy days? I get them wanting an apology, but he's clearly changed, and you guys are just being pricks, refusing to allow him (and yourselves!) to move on from his mistakes.

- Characters would talk about other characters as they knew them when they were kids like that was sufficient background information to get us to care about them. And I just didn't. I didn't care about Filomena because she "was full of life and loved art," I didn't care about Lilian Highsmith who "ruffled Thomas's hair when he was a kid." When you only show us a character for a scene or two before their death, we surprisingly don't care when they're gone. Even the attack at the Institute left no deaths! I've said this before and I'll say it again; when you don't show us how bad things could get during a battle, it doesn't leave any kind of impact. I actually forgot the attack on the Institute until this reread.

- Anna Lightwood. She was great when she was a cousin and a friend, but the way she treated Ariadne was just plain despicable. Anna is the very epitome of white woman privilege. I get her being hurt by Ariadne, but the fact that all of her friends "eye Ariadne suspiciously" when she comes near Anna, like she's some kind of monster for being AFRAID at FIFTEEN-or-something of being CAST OUT by her ADOPTED PARENTS? And never once, never for a second, does Anna ever show ANY awareness, acknowledgement, or so much as sympathy. Never considering that maybe, JUST MAYBE, she's the unfair one. And the way CC talks about Ariadne in interviews, that outside of fiction no one should give her a second chance, it just doesn't bode well for her, and I think she deserves so much better than someone who treats her as cruelly as Anna does.

- The Bible references. This is a problem I have with all of her books. First thing Jace says in TMI is that they don't follow any particular religion, and yet ALL the characters and oaths EVER QUOTE is the Bible. I hate it. If they had said Shadowhunters follow Christianity from the get-go, I would have no right to complain. But they're so specific about NOT doing that, that when ALL they mention and quote is the Bible, it just feels very excluding and... kind of manipulative, I'm sorry.

- Controversial opinion: every time Jesse said "command me to dance with you/kiss you"; WHAT A LOAD. It just sounded silly, I'm sorry. Lucie could've just had the power to control him and chosen not to, but Jesse Blackthorn telling her not to use her powers without "a ghost's permission" and the way Lucie says she "shouldn't have" accidentally commanded ghosts to save Cordelia from drowning because it possibly could've been against their permission? Context matters, people. And in this case, the very nature of Lucie's power completely goes against the "moral lesson," and just served to show that, in my opinion, there was more care put into pandering and showing how tolerant she is than just focusing on character and having Lucie be a good person who chooses not to force Jesse into obedience. Instead she does it because he scolds her. It's stupid.

- The length. Big books are my favorite kind. But only when they have actual substance to them that moves the story along. Instead we get passages upon passages upon passages of history that comes out of nowhere and leads to nothing, as if just to prove she's thought of it even if it has no place in the story, there's NO demon hunting in this demon hunting story until almost 200 pages in and the next one doesn't happen until around 250 pages later (and what's crazy is that all the fighting scenes last about two to three pages and then they're over!), AND I've forgotten everything that happens a little after Cordelia and James move in together till about the fight with Belial. I honestly forgot James had even given Cordelia that globe necklace. This book could've easily been around 300 pages, and if not for the last 150 of them, I might've bumped down the rating.

Look. I ultimately LOVE CC's books. But I can have my critiques of them, and I see their faults so very clearly. There is stuff that just doesn't work for me, including outside factors that I feel like affected the story more than they should've. My favorite series of CC's is TMI, not just because of my favorite characters, but because it was written in a time when characters were allowed to have faults and there wasn't a constant attempt to not offend anybody. I gave this four stars, and it heartily deserves it. I just don't think the faults in a book should be dismissed either.

[melicorn]

Content warning for discussion about depression, suicidality, mental illness, disability, therapy, treatment, hospitals, and the American healthcare system.

I don’t know a lot about John Fetterman; he seems like a decent guy though and I hope his treatment goes well. When I first saw the headline that he was checking himself into the hospital for depression, I thought, “well, good, I hope this starts many conversations about hospitalization for mental health treatment.”

I have already been thinking about hospitalization a lot lately. I turn 40 soon, which means it’s also the 10 year anniversary of my most recent mental hospitalization, following what had been my fourth or fifth suicide attempt. That stay got me on medication I still rely on today, and the follow-up outpatient care eventually led to the ADHD diagnosis which explained why my depression had been so resistant to treatment for such a long time. (Like I said, before age 30, I had four or five suicide attempts, over fifteen years in and out of therapy with at least half a dozen practitioners by that point, including a previous hospitalization, and tried more SSRIs and supplemental medications than I can remember.) Turns out all the serotonin in the world can’t make a difference if you don’t have dopamine.

One of the things my therapists would often ‘congratulate’ me on was my very clear and precise self-awareness regarding my mental illness. But that level of introspection meant over the years I grew increasingly frustrated and isolated by others’ inability to understand or empathize with my struggles. Even when I had complete lucidity over my mental state and could communicate it in a descriptive and accurate manner, there was no way the other person could actually *know* what it really *felt* like. Excepting, of course, some of the other patients who were in my unit at the hospital. In the year or two following my second hospitalization, I came to realize that the major barrier to neurotypical people understanding people with mental illness disorders and other neurodivergent diagnoses is that, unlike physical ailments, there really is no temporary mental illness. Of course some people experience trauma, grief, or deep sadness that require a short period of medical intervention, but the type of conditions that lead to multiple crises and hospitalizations are always lifelong. I do not pretend that passing physical maladies are truly comparable to permanent physical disabilities, but the fact that almost all people will have an injury or illness at some point that will at least partially debilitate them before recovery gives them at least a starting point to imagine what a permanent disability would be like. I do think this is part of the reason why society has been much better about creating standards for accessibility and accommodation regarding physical status as compared to mental status (although of course they are still woefully lacking in both areas).

After this realization, I had an idea for a comic I wanted to do about my experience with mental illness, and more specifically treatment for mental illness, especially in regards to how it works in the United States. I think I even talked about the general outline of it with one of my therapists, but of course, it never came to any kind of fruition because of ADHD and extreme executive dysfunction. (I mean, that’s why I gave up comics and any kind of art as a career all together, after all.) So here is the script I have carried around in my head for some nine or ten years, a bit of solace for whenever someone (including myself) asks me why I can’t just do a certain thing, or why I take so long to do something, or just in general why I am how I am.

Imagine you are walking along one day, and suddenly both of your legs break. Now, this isn’t the first time you’ve broken a leg, in fact, it seems to happen with some frequency, but rarely simultaneously, and this time they are really bad; all kinds of messed up angles that shouldn’t be there.

“Hey! Help!” You cry out, “I really need someone to help me!”

A few people pass by not noticing or pretending to not notice, but eventually someone stops and says, “oh wow, that looks really bad!”

“Yeah, I know” you reply, “can you help?”

“Oh sure, there’s a hospital just a block that way. If you get up and walk over there I’m sure they can fix you right up!”

“Uhh, what. Are you joking?”

“No, it’s just right there, see? It’s a really short walk!”

“Both my legs are extremely broken. I’m quite sure I cannot walk at all.”

“Have you even tried though? Look, I walk all the time, it’s quite easy, just put one foot in front of the other. Watch how I do it and I’m sure you can too!” And you watch them easily walk away as you are lying on the ground.

You start dragging yourself in the direction of the hospital using your hands and arms, continuing to ask for help from those walking past you. One person suggests that if your leg doesn’t work, you could just hop on the other leg. You explain, no, both of your legs are broken, you don’t have another leg to use. They look at you with a puzzled expression and say, “well that just doesn’t make any sense” while shaking their head and then going on about their business.

The last person you ask for help says, “oh, of course, let me carry you the rest of the way” and you let out a huge sigh of relief.

They continue, “just stand up so I can pick you up and piggyback you over there.”

“Umm, is it not clear that is entirely impossible for me?”

“Ugh, just standing?” They scoff, “how can I be expected to help you when you aren’t willing to help yourself even a little bit?”

“I mean, I already dragged myself over fifty yards of pavement, I think that’s pretty good.”

“That’s ridiculous, everyone can stand, even toddlers can stand for a little bit. All I’m asking you to do is stand for a few seconds so it’s easier for me to pick you up.”

You look down at your legs, each curved in a different spiraling shape, now fairly bloody from being dragged down the street. “And I am telling you I definitely cannot do that” you respond as they walk away.

Eventually you do manage to drag yourself through the hospital doors, your arms bruised and scraped, looking almost as bad as your legs. Fortunately the medical staff gets to you and takes you in for surgery right away. Well, not quite right away, as you’re hard to see on the floor, and perhaps one or two of the orderlies accidentally trampled you or ran a gurney over you, but none of that matters because now you’re in the hands of professionals and they are going to fix you!

The first thing they do, of course, is take you in for x-rays after asking you a few questions. They wheel you in to meet the doctor, and you think, “ah great, we’ll have the surgery to set the bones and then in a few weeks or months I’ll be good as new!” The doctor then explains that no, that is not going to be what’s happening, as you can clearly see in your x-rays, you don’t actually have any bones in your legs, just a bunch of toothpicks held together with scotch tape.

On your floor of the hospital, you meet other patients with toothpicks and scotch tape in their legs, some with twigs held together with twine, some that have plastic forks and hot glue, and even a few that were somehow getting by with crazy straws and silly string. Most of them are like you and never had bones in their legs to begin with, but there are a few that had their bones stolen by someone, or lost them in a horrible accident. You also see a few patients that do have real bones in their legs, but they also grew spring-loaded hammers attached to their toes that whack them in the shins every time they try to take a step.

Well, the toothpicks and scotch tape definitely explain why your legs seem to break so easily and frequently, but is there any way you can get real bones for your legs?

“Oh no,” the doctor explains, “your body can’t grow bones in your legs, and it would reject any bones we transplant into your legs, plus you would have no idea how to walk with them.”

“Well, I would argue I can barely walk as it is,” you respond, “but I guess I see your point.”

So you and the doctor discuss options and plans for treatment. Perhaps you can start by upgrading to bamboo skewers and duct tape, there’s a lot of new and exciting research coming out about the use of wooden dowels, and maybe once you’ve been in outpatient treatment for a while you can find a carpenter who can carve you custom support with hinges that are actually screwed in.

(And since this all happened before the Affordable Care Act was passed into law, and since even after it was passed it didn’t provide anywhere near the help that is needed.) “This all sounds good, but I just don’t know how I’ll be able to afford it. I’ve had a hard time staying employed, since my legs break every few months and jobs almost always require some amount of standing and walking.”

The hospital staff reassures you, “don’t worry, there’s a program for people without leg bones to help pay for their treatments, just go to this building when you check out.”

And so after about a week you do check out of the hospital, legs in full casts up to your hips to protect your new, but fragile, sticks inside. You’re able to hobble around surprisingly well using crutches, so you make your way to the address you were given.

When you get there, you find a building surrounded by a 10-foot tall stone wall and a 5-foot wide moat. You circle the whole building, but there are definitely no doors, bridges, or even windows within reach. You do find someone who seems to look official and in charge though.

“Excuse me,” you ask, “is this the place for people without bones in their legs? How am I supposed to enter?”

“Yes, this is it. You’ll just need to pole-vault over the moat and wall.”

“Umm, I think there’s been some mistake. I’m just recovering from both my legs breaking, as are most of the other people seeking your services, I believe. Are you able to provide any kind of assistance for me?”

“Oh, there’s no mistake. You grab onto the pole with your hands, so it’s totally fine for your to do. And we can loan you a pole if you need, you’ll just need to do 10 jumping jacks and a short hopscotch run.”

You roll your eyes thinking, how on earth does anyone ever get through this? As you look around, you see more people with fresh casts on their legs, or old bandages, or some with a leg still broken. You see a lot of them run a few steps with the pole only to have a leg give out from under them and they fall again. Many of them do just give up and crawl away at that point. Some people look like they have family members that are trying to push them over, or do the pole-vaulting themselves while carrying the injured person. A few have even hired a catapult to fling them over, but that seems to cost more than any financial assistance you could get. Eventually you decide to tunnel your way under. It’s slow and laborious, but it seems the least risky, and you really don’t want to break a leg again.

When you finally get through, you do start getting regular checks on how your legs are doing. You learn how to spot splinters so you can plus some glue on them before they turn into full fractures. And importantly you start working with a trainer to build up the strength of your leg muscles, and learn how to walk more delicately so that the sticks in your legs don’t get so much damage from impact. It’s a slow walk, but you’re staying upright, and it feels like something you can maintain for while.

As you start getting back out in the world more, you do notice that everyone walks much faster than you. Most of the time it doesn’t bother you that much, but sometimes you’re walking somewhere with family, friends, or coworkers, and they’re just getting really impatient with how slow you are. Some times you take the time to explain about how you don’t have bones in your legs, and if you walk any faster you risk one or both of your legs breaking again. And they will make a sad face and say that they will wait for you to catch up, but no one ever slows down to match your pace for more than a few strides. So more often you just say you’re tired, and the other person responds, “oh, that’s too bad. I would wait for you, but I have to go run this 10K to support #NoLegBonesAwareness - you really should join next time, bye!”

The worst thing that happens, though, is when someone asks you, “have you thought about what would help you walk better?” And you want to scream at them, “Bitch, of course I have! I think about it all the fucking time! Having actual fucking bones in my goddamn legs would help!” But of course you can’t do that because at least they’re trying to understand that you have a problem that they don’t know how to fix, whereas everyone else is suggesting calcium and vitamin D supplements to help your non-existent bones grow. Or when they find out walking is difficult for you, they suggest jogging might be easier instead. Or perhaps flying? Have you tried flying?

And so you just keep walking along, mostly slowly, sometimes a little quicker, and sometimes really, really slow. And meanwhile your peers are getting married, buying houses, starting families, all the regular things society likes to celebrate. And one day you realize you’ve been walking for a really long time, years maybe, without breaking a leg, and it’s the first time in your life you’ve gone that long without a broken leg. And you know that’s a much harder and more difficult achievement than any degree anyone’s earned or promotion they got, and took so much more work. But there’s only about a half dozen people in the entire world that actually understand that, and you’re not close with any of them.

And while you’re thinking about that, you hear a sickening, yet familiar crunch.

That’s what it’s like to live with mental illness.

[writers4all]

Hey, so I saw your post about chatgpt and I was wondering, Can someone who has an expressive language delay and receptive language delay use chatgpt to help. I have those two language impairments plus autism (the kind of autism that gives me aphantasia and makes me struggle with writing) so is it okay that I am using chatgpt to help me write? I use it in a guide kind of way where I send in my writing then ask it to refine it and tell me what I did wrong. I also ask it things like 'how do I fix my imagination when I have none' and "how do I write dialoge/pacing/show and tell" is that fine? I would ask an actual human but the questions I have are so weird that they always get sick of me and they judge and condescend me so I prefer an ai like chatgpt who really helps. I write myself for the most part and chat gpt has helped me improve but I still lack so much clarity in my writing and so I struggle. Also I can't read other things sometimes so I have to send in that to help it explain it to me cuz its just really hard for my brain to understand.

Please help, I don't want to do the wrong thing but if my brain can't understand some writing then I kinda have to use a tool to help... Also audio books didn't help

Hello, anon!

That's an excellent question! I genuinely see nothing wrong with people using it due to impairments, disabilities, disorders, and whatnot. Let's take Stephen Hawking for example. He basically used an AI in order to speak. And let's not forget that the GPS is basically an AI that gives us map locations and the best routes to get from Point A to Point B. We also have voice-to-text as well and various programs that allow us to speak words into our documents and turn it into works of art.

Something else I recommend is going to your local bookstore or thrift shop to see if there are any textbooks or writing guides on how to improve your own writing. In fact, I plan on making posts in the future talking about various textbooks and writing guides that I own along with going into detail about my thoughts and opinions on them. They're rather neat. Now if, for whatever given reason, you're not able to afford said books I would just write down the Book Title + Author and then go to Library Genesis's website to see if you can download it for free.

AIs are great in practice and to genuinely help people. Heck, I don't even mind people using it to get some ideas for their fanfics or to have it give randomized prompts. It's just that I'm not too keen on the whole "I want ChatGPT to write out a 50,000 word fanfic or story for me so I can upload it, publish it, and claim it as my own originality." fiasco. Stating that you had an AI write the whole thing is one thing. But if you used the AI to help you get into the right direction because you genuinely need help? That's okay! There's absolutely nothing wrong with that, I promise. Why? Because we all need help. Not only that but socializing is hard.

I also want to say that I'm genuinely sorry that people find your questions annoying. As someone who struggles with properly wording and phrasing thing properly, myself, I feel your pain. One of the reasons for this is because vocabulary and definitions have never been my strong suit — it's always been spelling, ironically enough. I always feel like I'm going to confuse and/or annoy people with my questions because I'm a genuinely curious person who loves learning new things but am unable to properly phrase anything. So I can 100% sympathize and empathize with you on that!

There's also nothing wrong with audio books not helping. It's not for everyone. Some people do better reading in silence. Some people do better reading aloud. Some people do better reading with music. I'm sure you get the point by now. And the same is equally true for white noise and ASMRs. I often think people forget that it's never a "One Size Fits All" kind of scenario. The same can be said about clothes, medicine, makeup, programs, video games, languages and the whole nine yards. We're not made out of clay and made to be exactly the same. We're all uniquely different. Besides ... it's like one of my best friends says, "I don't want to be normal. Normal is a cycle on the washing machine."

With that being said, I definitely recommend you doing whatever helps you and makes you most comfortable. I can guarantee that there's no judgement coming from my end and the most I would ask is "Why?" Simple as that.

[h0-seok]

I have lived in the city my whole life. Since I was little my parents struggled to make ends meet. Loan sharks would follow us constantly and I had to learn to protect myself. When I was of age, the situation had gotten so bad. I needed to work, I needed to do something to protect my parents.

I learnt how to handle a gun. I got mixed with crowds not suitable for a young man like me, but they took me in and taught me everything I know now. Hoseok, these hands of mine have seen more blood than I dare to admit. These hands have killed more people than you can imagine. Twenty years now I have killed for a living, twenty years now I have been living a life that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy and even though my parents are now passed away, I can’t get away from it. I can’t just quit being a hitman.

That’s my secret. That’s my life and I will understand if you want to leave. That’s why I was hesitant to tell you. For the first time I was actually scared. I care about you.

-Hoseok listened carefully. Whatever it was that Jae had to confess to him, he'd be fine with it.

If he didn't want to tell him anything at all, he'd accept it but Hoseok knew that he'd have always worried about the other's life for not knowing where he was or what was happening with him-

You're a hitman? Really? That's all? -probably not the nicest or most empathic answer but Hoseok honestly expected more to come because why even did he keep it a secret? It wasn't anything problematic to him and definitely no reason to leave the man- Silly boy.. you didn't have to be scared but I understand your worries. -he was glad that Jae was finally able to tell him about his job and Hoseok was well aware of all the risks that came with it but now he'd be able to protect him if needed- Thank you for telling me, though. -he said and pulled his boyfriend into a tight hug-

[thesillylittlecircusfreaks]

I fucking love Ragatha. Even as my "least favorite character" I still wildly adore her.

But I also love actively being so fucking antisocial about her. Partly cause she also reminds us of our girlfriend and we like to poke fun at her.

Our girlfriend loves it a lot. It's our dynamic tbh. Me being an antisocial cunty ass bitch and she's just there not being able to deny anything I say because I love calling her out for all her little trauma behaviors.

Twirling her hair and kissing her cheek in my head as I think about it. (Cause she's asleep RN and also in another fucking state.)

I also love how much our girlfriend loves us being a little antisocial bitch. Struggling to empathize and unable to care about what's going on? Fucking finds it adorable.

She was crying and it startled me and I went "Ew gross, you're crying, wtf do I do? I don't know what to do." And it made her laugh and smile. I wasn't expecting her to be crying, it freaked me tf out cause it hadn't occured to me she would be crying over us being stressed and it caught me by surprise. I felt so bad when I said "ew, gross" cause I fucking love her, but it was my first thought and I spatted it out without thinking lol.

But it just makes us happy that she can hear us say we literally do not care and would rather be doing other things and just ✨know.✨

Like yeah. I don't give a fucking shit about your interest, but I like hearing you talk about it. Because you're happy. And that means something to me.

Or like. I cannot even pretend to care about your emotions and I'm frankly very uncomfortable. But tell me what to do to help and I will do it. Because I hate seeing you sad.

Like when her dog died suddenly (cause of shitty vet not identifying it as cancer) and she was there crying and so heartbroken. And we just stared and had to say "Listen. I know you're upset. But we literally cannot feel anything like you about it and we kind of don't care. I don't see a point to crying over something already dead. So if you need me to do something, tell me. Because I cannot tell myself." And then also getting her a shiny pokemon that matches the color of his collar and was the same species (Doberman, shiny houndour) for her to name it after the big boy.

Truth is I just get weird around grief. I'm autistic but also very much learned my emotions weren't "correct." So like. I kind of process things later as well. It's one thing that puts me at risk, I can't tell the danger or be aware of it until way after. So even though I was very heartbroken over it and it crushed me, my response was to shut down. They're dead already, why does it matter? And I ended up feeling it later and being super heartbroken over it for like a week.

Our girlfriend knows how we can be. And they know that we never intend harm. So when joking about Ragatha and stuff, they know it's light hearted and fun. To me, that is a show of love. That I care about you enough to know what you like, to know when someone is like them, to care enough to help them be better. And our girlfriend seldom is upset by it. But if I ever do go too far without realizing it then they tell me. And I will try my best to apologize.

Cause yeah, I can hurt her. I don't process things nor think the same as her. And we both have triggers. But if he lets me know, I often ask what will help him feel better. And then I do it with all of my love. Cause to me, they're an exception person. I would be worse without them and my symptoms get a bit better with them around.

So even with Ragatha being "annoying" to me and the kind of person I hate (a people pleaser) cause of being hurt by it in the past (despite also being a horrible people pleaser T.T), I still love and adore her. Cause to my head, she's like my girlfriend. And she can still be better. And I want to see her be better. Cause she's still as important as the other characters. I relate to her the least and like her the least so I value her less than the others, but I do still largely cherish her.

Plus I love character writing a lot. I don't gotta like or love a character or 100% relate to them to be fascinated by them. Writing is a special interest of mine and making/writing characters is something I love to analyze and dissect. So yes. All the characters are my individual case studies that I analyze and will rant about in large paragraphs to my girlfriend about all the time.

[monarkokingdom]

Autobiographies and Self-Importance

"I have the secret" Antoine whispered.

"What to?" In his deep focus, Rhine mistakenly wondered aloud.

"Your book. Why you can't write it."

"Oh? Do tell me what you might think the answer is." Rhine challenged. He took the opportunity, any opportunity, to relieve himself of the task, "Though I can tell you myself; I am far too busy to write."

"Busy yes, so busy you are." Antoine taunted.

"I don't appreciate your tone. You say that like you don't believe me. I am not only His Majesty's most trusted advisor and confidant, I am also the organizer and leader of everything you do. Everything we all do. Sleep is my enemy and each time I am granted a moment of pause, it is as if I am so unaccustomed to it, I can do nothing but fidget in my chair. It is nearly torture."

"Oh, I believe you. Yet so you sit, quill in hand in front of a piece of parchment for God knows how long every day. And what I have noticed as each day passes, is that not a single word is actually written upon it. You assume the stance and perhaps think about accomplishing something. What do you really have to say, I wonder?" That Antoine would dare insult his employer was honestly one of the man's few redeeming qualities; all worth the price of the gold with which they were purchased.

"That is the question, yes" Rhine agreed. 

"And how would you like if I compared you to Avery?"

Rhine took a swig of water from his elaborate glass, "I wouldn't."

"You know, you two are alike in that you think your word is all powerful."

"Well, it is. It truly is." Rhine began to explain with a resigned expression.

"Do you empathize with the man?" Antoine interrupted with his typical hints of accusation and scandal.

"You seek something that is not there. You will find nothing on me." Rhine deflected, knowing Antoine's every intention.

"Oh, come on! What I seek is the reason why you sit here day after day and accomplish nothing. For a man as ambitious as you are in every avenue, it vexes me why you insist on disregarding your legacy to word of mouth."

"That is precisely what I wish to avoid. I am writing this book because I want people to know how I see the world, not the inverse."

"But then I discovered it, or I realized it. The hidden secret. The reason why you can't accomplish this fundamental task." Antoine's love of theater was on full display. He raised his head, trying to conceal an engrossing smile behind a clenched paw. He so desperately wanted Rhine to ask him for his secrets as had done for Rhine again and again. Antoine craved the infinite power of knowing something another doesn't, especially Rhine. Rhine knew everything, and so Rhine knew that this was very important to Antoine.

"And what is that?" Rhine finally asked.

"Look at yourself!" Antoine announced at such a volume that it could probably be heard outside of Rhine's study. Rhine sought to obey the command, though there were no mirrors in the room. Rhine assumed Antoine probably kept any that they owned to himself.

"Alas, I cannot."

"Then I will show you what I see." Antoine's gleaming smile in an instant dropped to a furrowed brow and pursed lip.

Rhine waited a moment for Antoine to do anything else. "I was waiting for your performance; bouts of mood are not uncommon for you." Rhine quipped with a chuckle.

"No! I was making your face! But yes, that is exactly it now! That is what you lack: laughter." Antoine pointed at him. 

Understanding the critique, Rhine dismissed, "I am not writing a comedy, I am writing my life." He said in such an exaggerated melancholic fashion that the Avery comparison came surging back into his mind. Antoine let him sit with that response for a moment before offering the remedy.

"You take yourself seriously, and justly so, as you have a lot going on. You do play a very solemn and serious role in this tale. I could never, but that is neither here nor there. Your story is," Antoine struggled, not wanting to offend and dampen his message, "Well it is important, as important as you are. And in that sense, it will never be good enough, particularly if you never write it. It is essential then to remain lighthearted about the ordeal. Even if the content within is sometimes bleak, you would never want the reading to be dry. Then who would read it?"

Antoine's criticism held merit. Rhine knew this all too well. He himself often coached those who listened of humor's power in the creation of an image, and thus spreading of a message. How many times had he told Clovis that his writing was too literal and sterile? The common man is repulsed by environments of scientific jargon and financial reports. If something is too literal, too true, than it loses all meaning. Embellishment and entertainment, these are that forces that breathe life into any project, any person. Why he wasn't employing these forces in his own written efforts was a mystery he had not considered until now.

And suddenly it disturbed him that Antoine was advising him of anything. " I shall consider it Antoine." Against all appearances, the brute on rare occasion divulged morsels of wisdom, even if they were mere replications of Rhine's own.

"That's all I ask. You are in your head all the time. It is an expansive place surely,"

"Enough." Rhine lamented at excessive flattery.

"But it does no good to be trapped in a grey box for eternity. Color is needed. If you plan to write this book anyway, and I'm sure you do, why not make fun of it? If it becomes torturous for you, I think it is because you are being too serious about it."

Rhine slowly nodded in approval with his hands folded under his chin. The man was right. He could not write his life in any satisfactory way, not yet anyway. The main characters were depicted as animals for God's sake, it wasn't really an autobiography as much as it was a fable. He recalled when he was a child, when he first decided on the animal theme. His approach back then was liberating as the exercise of writing was fun. He didn't so much consider the reader as he did himself, and perhaps the reader might enjoy the story so long as he did.

"Follow my metric, Rhine. Anything that won't bring you happiness, wealth, or women is a waste of your time."

"And that is where your counsel ends. Close the door on the way out if you would, I would like to focus now." 

[missdrarrydawn]

I'm gonna preface this reblog by saying that AI is stealing. I don't deny this fact. I don't support it. I never will. I will never use it. And I don't think anyone should. However, there is a very big part of the conversation missing here.

Writing, the act of creation, is not universally a fun, relaxing process for everyone. It's not joyful or therapeutic for everyone. It's not creatively fulfilling or engaging for everyone. It's not satisfying for everyone. It can in fact be extremely traumatic, and painful and difficult.

As someone who personally has very deep scars on my psyche related to writing and making art, who does not feel joy when writing, who only does it by forcefully making myself to even though it hurts me psychologically, I completely empathize with 'not having the time or energy' because I don't. I work long hours with no free time and even when I do have free time, the thought of writing is the most exhausting thing there is.

It's more exhausting than imagining doing laundry. And we all hate laundry.

I like being a storyteller, I like being able to express my ideas and characters. Sure, that's nice to maladaptive daydream about.

But the process of writing itself is extremely painful for me. It's not enjoyable. I get nothing out of the experience. The only reason I force myself through it, which feels like I'm army crawling naked through a field of jagged glass, is the fact that it's nice to tell a story. It does not feel good getting there, but the end result is at least worth something. Maybe. It doesn't really feel good even when I finish a story because it was torture getting there. I get little to no satisfaction from it.

I don't experience "the joy of creation." Not from writing or honing my skills or any of it. I have many traumatizing experiences attached to the act of writing and creating that make it impossible for my brain to like it, because it is the same thing that hurt us in the past.

For me, the idea of being able to tell my idea to a machine and have it give me the full story told without having to subject myself to the psychological agony of writing it would be a dream come true. I would love that. I want for nothing more than for there to be an ethical way to create such a machine. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't tempted to just throw my ideas and concepts into an AI text generator and just be done with it before. It would save me so much pain and exhaustion. Unfortunately, there isn't an ethical way to do it. AI isn't it. But that's not the point.

I completely empathize with not having energy to write because I never do. The only "joy" I derive from writing is when it's finally over. I want to tell stories, but that doesn't mean that the act of telling them is easy or fun.

Making art is not universally enjoyable. It can be extremely brutal, in fact.

And when someone who uses AI (I don't think they should because it's unethical, but bear with me) makes the argument that they just don't have the time or the energy to write, consider that they're not some evil AI bro wanting to replace writers.

They might just be a struggling, completely mentally drained and burned creative who is grappling with art related scarring and are just trying to find alternative means to get to have their stories without suffering. There's nothing wrong with not wanting to suffer.

Saying 'well my fave ao3 author released 30k after their house burned down, you're just not built for it' is extremely evil and cruel to someone who's struggling with their traumatic creative past, because I can tell you first hand I feel like that every day. Whenever I fail to write, or to enjoy it, or whenever it hurts, I feel like I'm just not "built for it". I should give up. There's no point.

My relationship to art making is very fractured, and I'm trying to heal it, but posts like these, with this level of hatred toward someone making a point without any context of why they might be saying it (I don't know if the person that is being mocked here is an AI bro or they're just struggling with creativity for the record, I'm not defending them personally, I'm just making a general point) don't help.

They drive me further away from recovery in fact. It's really not the gotcha you think it is.

Don't be like this. You don't know where the person on the other side of the screen is coming from. It could be an extremely vulnerable place of hurting, reaching out for anything that might help them suffer less through their creative struggles, even if it's AI.

They could also be an AI bro making bad-faith arguments of course, but jumping to that conclusion and resorting to bullying immediately isn't really the move, is all I'm saying. Perhaps investigate what their motives are first, before going into attack-dog mode.

AI isn't good, but that doesn't mean that everyone who feels an appeal to it feels that way for immoral, hurtful reasons, so let's not treat people like trash without at the very least finding out why they feel how they feel and say what they say.

just saw a fanfic on ao3 have a dedication for chatgpt... that section is meant for your horny perverted mutual who proofread your work, you violated sacred law and you will be torn apart and laid bare btw

[copingintheghetto]

Who, Where, Why?

I forget what my last words typed here were. Not gonna look. I just had a thought- why post what I find interesting about bands/artists and their lyrics, their donde estas- on facebook? Nobody in my friend list- mainly relatives because I deleted everyone my ex-sociopath boyfriend told me to- wants to read about these things. I should just blog about music and never write another line about anything on facebook.

While I'm here- there's something related to "living in the ghetto". Well, I came across the word. It seems that someone has tried to insult an intelligent, beautiful, professional, classy woman in Congress. I don't know if Ms. Crockett was born into poverty and clawed/climbed her way out or what. I am grateful that I wasn't born into poverty and have no idea what that experience would be like since I haven't lived it. All I can say is that I empathize with those struggling to rise above, cheer for those that do and feel confused as to why a person from a higher socio-economic background would spend their time casting stones at someone who rose above- someone who's words resonate with me- remind me that my glasses are, indeed, the right prescription as I try to keep my balance while navigating through my own little world, putting out fires big and small. Honestly, I wish I had not looked at this mess written on reddit and, instead, focused on my nauseating to-do list. SIDE NOTE- Mom On the Spectrum (also ADHD- on youtube.com) shared something that might be the best thing I've heard about all year. goblin.tools. Your to-do list- each task is broken down into steps for you. There's even this feature that compiles all of your 'brain dump' into a list of tasks! 'Judge' helps you read the tone of someone's message to you if you're not quite sure what to think about it. And it can help you think of a more tactful way to say something to someone. AND it can estimate how long any given task will take you to complete! Back to the beginning. Well, I think that person casting stones is doing so out of insecurity and not having any sense of self. SIDE NOTE- I have been struggling with talking out loud at home, alone, for a year and a half now. It's a compulsion, meaning I can't stop it even though I want to. I waste hours every day giving lectures, interviews, reenacting conversations- what I wanted to say, how I wanted to sound, all the points I wanted to make. Putting away some groceries takes 2 hours. I don't think it is OCD like my psych nurse practitioner said. I agree with the OCD personality disorder diagnosis I received 10 years ago though. I was going through a disorganized psych folder of mine the other day and came across a piece of paper with, "Dr. Clark" written at the top. At the very bottom is this: "Insecurity: loneliness and insecurity sometimes cause people to talk incessantly." But it doesn't say that it's all done out loud while alone like my situation. Regardless, I am definitely insecure. I was learning about all the different kinds of insecurity one can have the other day and it seemed that I had three types. All of it stemming from childhood trauma and abuse and all. So one shouldn't be ashamed about it. Should I waste time trying to put myself in the shoes of the stone thrower? No. I'm exhausted. Anyway, I digested some social media content along with all of the song lyrics I studied for the past week. The word 'ghetto' is used here. The post I read started with,

"Republicans don’t use racial slurs and stereotypes challenge GOP" from Reddit.

"With the disgusting remarks the left makes about Lauren [sic] Boobert, why shouldn't we be a little rough on ghetto Jasmine Crockett? Rep Crockett made an ass of herself during the #impeachmentinquiry hearing today...the woman has no class. I like Byron Donalds...he is a free-thinking black man with a brain. ""Cock-it"" is just a washed-up welfare queen who somehow made it to Congress." So, when you dislike someone for speaking truth backed up by facts, you lash out like a spoiled insecure child-bully because it makes you feel uncomfortable? You type out your lazy commentary- take jabs at someone superior in intellect and logic (just a hunch), knowing the majority of ignorant constituents wrapped around your cronies' fingers won't bother to look up the facts. This person and his/her cronies project a lot. (I think this is part of what's going on here. Not sure. I'm tired.) Repeatedly. Like, when will they stop?! Never. No shame because it would hurt their game. And they are in it to win it-no going back now! Having to admit defeat? No thanks. Let's just run with the ball and see how far we can go while ignoring the referees! When someone calls you something that they are, it is called psychological projection or projection bias. This is a psychological defense mechanism where a person subconsciously denies his or her own attributes, thoughts, and emotions, which are then ascribed to the outside world, usually to other people . (I'm not sure this is applicable here- I thought I was going somewhere with this.) Well, I think people like the one who spouted the hate about Ms. Crockett here are the ones making asses out of themselves. My mom does this. She- probably a narcissist- calls me one. SIDE NOTE: You can benefit from CBT if people do this to you- project- and you start to question yourself- start gaslighting yourself. It's crazy how that can start to happen. Second guessing yourself. Gaslighting- a subtle form of emotional manipulation that often results in the recipient doubting their perception of reality and their sanity. I guess I was saying that Ms. Crockett's words help protect me from gaslighting myself whenever I hear members of Congress squabbling about this and that. The stone thrower wants people to doubt themselves and their ability to think and reason. Doubt their intuition. Their gut feeling. This reminds me of my dad. He doesn't call to ask how I'm doing. He seems like a bully to me-one who is flat out bored sometimes. He calls to push my buttons because he's insecure. I never bring up politics but he usually, gleefully, sneaks something into a phone call for no reason. I don't share my opinion much because his loud, bellowing voice triggers my fight or flight response. If I didn't have these anxiety disorders and whatnot, he'd never speak to me about politics. Why do bullies pick fights with the meek? Insecurity. (again) I think most people know this in this day and age. But I still think that it is really sick and worth repeating that it is really sick. SIDE NOTE: I hope we can all express our own opinions without bighting each others' heads off one day. Wouldn't it be nice? (Beach Boys song popped into my head. I think it played at the end of a documentary I saw long ago.)

[ethereallywinnie]

Hey so its been a while…

A lot has happened since my last ‘breakdown’. I know that I am severely depressed and anxious but looking back throughout my life, something always felt different, i always felt weighed down. Like i couldn’t breathe, express and be grounded in my body. I always go back to thinking; Where did it all go wrong? Why do I think this way? Why do I act like this? Why do I self-sabotage? Always being in a state of question and fog that it is so hard to really know who i am and my identity is in this world. I feel like I’m never going to get the answer to some of these questions, like they will just linger there with no direction. Like me.

Like my previous posts, I have a hard time getting a fucking grip. Each time I feel like I can be strong and take control of my life, something leaves me feeling in less control than before. It feels like I get the wind knocked out of me each time. Even in my childhood, things would go well for a minute, and then all of a sudden my heads being banged against the kitchen cabinet. So shit like that. I feel like I’ve i emulate that chaotic unpredictable energy, at first it was just my environment but now its me. Now I’m the one destroying my happiness and my accomplishments. I cheated on my partner because I could not believe that I deserve that intimacy, love and compassion she has given me. I don’t know why tf would i bring myself to do that, but I hurt a lot and i guess that was the way it manifested. In no way I am excusing my behavior, yes trauma plays a role but I am still responsible for my choices and who they impact. We are going to couples therapy soon, in order to figure out a couple things. It’s not clear atp if we are going to stay together but therapy would help us better communicate. I have this habit that when my partner is trying to talk about their feelings about what I’ve done, its hard to empathize and be there for her without hating myself and shutting down.

In my childhood, I was a “trouble-maker” ( I don’t believe I was but main reason kids act out is because they want attention or needs are not being met. Mine definitely weren’t, like I wanted to be like every other kid but instead i felt so isolated, my “sister” and mother would often exile me because of my behavior it felt like. I never had a voice or an opinion. My parents even said the only reason they had kids was because we were their servants. They definitely did treat us like so too.) It was just exhausting. I was anxious everyday I cam home because I felt like i was always under a magnifying glass because i was so “sneaky, untrustworthy, fast”. I remember having thought as a child like “well if im such these things, they must be true, I am sneaky, untrustworthy, manipulative”.

This wasn’t just at home chile… I had to deal with the torment in school too. Growing up in NJ was brutal for a black girl like me. One wasn’t like Black American, I was from Haiti. We didn’t have the same social cues and customs. I was made fun of the way i looked, dressed, talked, everything. There was a year in school wear my dad got so frustrated selecting back to school shoes that he picked the ugliest option because i dont fucking know. (We never knew why he did or said the things he did, it was always walking around eggshells with him). Anyways, that whole school year i was made fun of for wearing brown and orange hiking sneakers from sketchers. Look I know my family was struggling with money but come on, especially it was the year Jordan’s were coming out and if you didn’t have them, you were basically a loser. I should be grateful, but it was hard to be when you were told in so many ways that you dont matter. It doesnt matter that you dont like that color or would prefer a different style. That made me learn how to take shit with a smile because if I didn’t like it, that would be another issue I’d regret even expressing.

Anyways, what do i do now. Im so exhausted.

I hate everything I took with me from childhood, I want to release all of that gunk and dirtiness. I want a do-over, a hard fucking reset.

Lately, i have been resonating a lot with BPD. Specifically quiet or discouraged. I am fine on the outside but inside I feel like a little demon running around going crazy and screaming for relief. Like nothing is soothing it.

My IPad is about to die so that’s it for now. Sorrows and Prayers.

[tanvb]

An Conversation Of The Broken One

"You called me an angel. . ."

Yes I did.

"I don't see how I'm an angel. . ."

Why not?

"Angels are pure and perfect, they hold a brightness that seems to blind us when they show themselves to us so we won't be scared of them, they are soft and gentle to all, they can take away your pain and sorrow to let you finally find peace as they take you down on a path to move on with your life. . . So how am I an angel?"

. . . . . . .

"Well?

You help people. . . You seem to understand others and their pain as if you can read them without words or thoughts. You set yourself aside to vision yourself in others shoes but you end up either attracting or noticing those who are struggling-

"So! So what if I end up with all these people on my shoulders! I can't help it! I just end up with these amazing people who have a light within the darkness of themselves and I want them to see the beauty of it! I just feel like I have to help the best I can-"

Exactly! That's why you are perfect! You are an angel that walk the Earth that you can't understand. That you can see so much more than what it is! But-

"But? But what?"

Your heart bleeds the symphonies of empathic tunes that seem to be so approachable and comforting that at first it feels too real to be true-

"Yet others have taken advantage of me, developing a monster inside.. a darkness-"

It's not dangerous.. it's something else that I see behind your eyes..

"Loneliness.. hurt.. exhaustion.. I don't know.."

You see it then.. don't you? You see what you are inside, you see the good and the darkness. Not evil, I don't believe you can't ever be evil but you have this darkness that is perceived as evil.

"I've always seen it. That's what angels are too. They are virtues, they follow the commands of their Maker that we heard stories and perceived as evil when they only are doing what they are told to do.. for the Greater Good. . ."

. . . So you won't be able to hurt others? That's good, you are good at heart, you can't just hurt someone just because-

"I mean I would never want to hurt others. I can't hurt others but that doesn't mean I won't do what's necessary while it brings me pain and hurt in the end. Maybe I am an Angel to some. . ."

So you say you aren't an angel yet you say you are.. what are you then?

"An Fallen..."

I- I'm sorry? Isn't that worse than an Angel?

"Ha- Haha Ha ha. . . "

What's so funny? You're scaring me...

"That's the thing! Remember when I said angels shine bright to hide their true appearance. Let others blinding follow them? I'm not like that! Not at first.."

W- wait.. I don't understand. . .

"I'm exhausted.. I'm tired of everything and everyone! Yet when I speak up to defend myself.. I'm the bad guy, I'm the selfish one! So I keep my mouth shut and keep going until I break down, broken and defeated then I slowly make myself stand to keep walking! I don't know how to just give up!"

But you fight for what you believe in right? That's why you keep going? That's not a bad thing..

"You're not.. listening.. nobody listens to me.. I'm done with my own self. One day people will see.. they will see.."

Those wings.. you look different now.. not like once before.. what had happened? Why are you showing this? What are you doing to yourself-

"Shut it.. now it's my turn.. those who truly understand me, who truly know me will stay by my side and not follow me or lead me.. they will be at my side.. they are my real family..

You wanted to help others! Don't forget that!

"That's true. I want to help others, I can't help myself but to do just that but... I need to find my own path.. even if that means taking down those who are in my way...

What are you then? I thought you were a hero! Not a villain! You don't have the heart to be that. You are the light! You help others bring the light from their darkness! You are-

" I Am Not A Toy! I Am Not A Hero Nor A Villain! The Darkness And The Light Have Always Been At My Side. For I'm In-Between Time And Space, The Sky And Sea, The Black And White.."

"I'm An Angel Of My Own Accord.."