#this is so tiring ishould sleep

[rosylights]

a good artist doesn't stop creating masterpieces even when his muse is no longer around (I've broken up w the person who was the inspo behind clyde but I'll still write because art over pain any day)

[fluffyseal322]

Will i never be satisfied if i don't express my anger? What if i dont know how to? I think i'm scared of my anger.

(Typing during an emotion) I feel anger. the reason for specifying this is so i can tell the difference between my brain from when im on the emotion rather than being off and able to think clearly. I currently cannot think clearly atm. I'm thinking everything and everything is flooding in my brain. I type as i think.

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My mom really pissed me off today. She told me long ago she wouldn't say I cant go anywhere. I really wanted to go to this guys house and i was convinced i could trust myself and i had the discipline to not give into a man's desires. Thats not the only thing ishould be worried about aparently. I never thought about being a victim. Wuld it have been my fault if i did go out and get "hurt" because i didnt be cautious and do things correctly. I didnt care though. I wanted to see him. Is that so bad? Maybe i am dirty. Theres something rotten in me that others cannot see. My mom thinks about my safety but i dont.... Why dont i... whats wrong with me. i just woke up but i feel so tired. I want to sleep but i know i cant.

IM SO SCARED OF MY DAD I HATE HIM AND I HATE MYSELF I WANNA CRY. im so mad at my mom for telling me to ask dad and she knows im scared of him thats why she did it. or maybe not.... i dont know. I never understand my mom. maybe im still having trauma from them from so long ago. maybe its not trauma, im just used to how it was before. i dont understand anything. i wanna cry. I dont know why im so mad. Why does this remind me of that one saying "i dont know why i bite" I wish i was comfortable crying to someone. I miss my buni.

[zippers]

been wanting to continue hxh 99 for the past 6 or so hours but cant bring myself to do it lol

[rey4kat]

[Fic] Blofeld x OC - Saving Blofeld

This is my first fic posting here. There will be a bigger one, explaing how they got to know each other.

About Oli (short for Olivia), is Ernsts lover, female, musculare and a skilled hacker and coder. So everything, I am not... (that was sarcasm) Please feel free to ask about her! She also has some tattoos and grew up in southwest Germany. She got around all over the globe. Ernst and her are in this fic together for nearly 4 years.

It is some fluff and how the name suggests, Oli is saving Ernst.

It starts under the break. If Ishould add some warnings and tags, please hit me up

It is set at the end of Specter and the beginning of NTTD

He was strapped on the carrier, feeling his body getting flood with painkillers and making him dozy.

Bond had left him alive. He shouldn’t have toyed with him. He heard the medics railing him inside. He saw how they started to treat his broken leg, before he got knocked out from painkillers. 

Oli, pass auf dich auf. Komm nicht mich holen! Sonst gehörst du auch noch ihnen! (1), he thought before he slept in a dreamless sleep.

He woke up to a steady beeping and opened his eye. He tried to lift his arm. He couldn’t. He looked down. He was strapped to a hospital bed. His hands held down on his wrists, with some padded cuffs. The same thing was also down to his right leg. His left leg was splinted. In his right arm was an IV. He heard the door open and a nurse and a doctor came in. The doctor started to tell him something about his condition, but his whole attention was pinned on the nurse. She looked like Oli. But that couldn’t be. She promised him, not to bring herself in danger, to save him. 

The doctor finished his monolog and told the nurse something. She nodded and then turned to him. The doctor left. He then noticed the readied syringe in the hand of the nurse.

“Trust me, love”, he heard Oli’s voice next to his ear and felt the needle pressing inside his flesh. 

He felt everything turning wobly, before he passed out. He saw Oli’s smile and the last thing he heard was the frantic beeping of the heart monitor.

Also sterbe ich wenigstens durch ihre Hand (2)

The room filled with two doctors and two other nurses. The doctors explained him dead. The first doctor gave Oli the order to take him down to the morgue. She did was she was told. 

Down there, she carefully moved Ernst unmoving, seemingly dead body in a fresh body bag. She changed in a uniform of a funeral home. The doctor came down, looking smug at her. She looked smug back.

“My pay”, he said.

“I thought we are even”

“You thought”

“Your pity”, Oli said and shot him, right between the eyes.

The life-less body fell down. She pushed him aside. Then she continued to wheel, the body-bag, containing Ernst outside, inside a morgue car. The guards came out, just to see the car leaving.

The police drove behind them, trying to push her to the side of the road. It didn’t work as planned. Oli drove into a tunnel. The police followed them. She drove faster and lost them shortly. 

The next time the police saw the van again, it was just short. Because it lost the track on the ground and started to overturn. They break and saw the van light up. That would be fun to tell the MI6, that the dead body of their most valuable associate, was definitely gone. As well with every trace, of whom tried to free him. 

He slowly woke up. He opened his tired eyes. He wasn’t in the hospital room anymore. He looked around. He wasn’t fixated anymore, but his leg was still splintered. He recognized the room. It was Oli’s London apartment. That crazy, girlfriend of him, saved him. He pulled himself up. He saw Oli sleeping in an armchair, next to the bed. He turned to her.

“Oli?”, he asked quiet.

She woke from her light sleep and looked at him.

“You promised me not to put your self in danger”

“And you promised me not to toy with Bond. So, we both broke our promise, to each other. I’d say we are even”

He laid back and smiled.

“Thank you”

“No problem. We will stay sometime, until everything calmed down a bit. Sorry, for drugging you. I couldn’t think about something better. I put you out in a body-bag”, she saw his view, ”A fresh one. I blow up a truck and killed Doctor Johnson, That was satisfying”

He smiled at her.

“Good that at least one of us got revenge”

“Just won’t bring back, what I had”

“Yeah”

“I hope, I didn’t offend you. I love you. It’s just like-”

“It won’t be the same. I know. I love you too. Cuddle me, please?”

“Yeah. Thank you for your understanding”, she said.

She undressed herself, except for her underwear. She climbed into the bed, next to him and hugged him. 

She stroked through his hair and he started to relax.

“How long until I feel everything again?” he asked.

“Approximately 4-6 hours. I’ll take care of you. Just sleep it off, or are you hungry?”

“I am indeed hungry. How late is it?”

“19:54h. The meal won’t be as great as normal. I won’t order something and-”

“Just tell me you have some preserved chili. You know, the one you always make”

“Sure. I have a surprise for you”, she said, put a kiss on his lips and stood up.

He looked at her as she put on her kimono and disappeared. He heard her rumoring. She came back some minutes later, with a tablet in her hand. She sat it down on the nightstand. She probed him up into a sitting position and put a little table over his lap. He watched her and was grinning. She put down a hot bowl of chili, a spoon and a tumbler. He looked at her. She finished her table and sat herself next to him. She pulled out a bottle of whiskey and poured them, each a glass. He looked at her.

“I thought, it is for a special occasion?” he asked in surprise.

“This is a special occasion. We are both alive, after all of it. I also wanted to ask you something”, she looked in his eyes, “Ernst, after all that, I would like to spend the rest of my time here on earth with you”

He looked at her and stared in disbelieve. Her face froze. He put his hand on her cheek.

“Of course I will. I love you. I would love to spend my remaining time with you. I did not want to scare you. I just never thought, it would ever happen to me”, he said with shaking voice. Tears running down. 

They smiled at each other and put their lips together for a passionate kiss. They clinched their tumbler and drank to their engagement. She put an arm around his waist and stared to feed him. He did the same.

Some weeks later.

They were siting in a tattoo studio in Heidelberg. His leg was healing well. He just had a small splinter around it and a cane. He had an easy fracture, and it was healing well. 

They decided for an engagement tattoo around their ring fingers, instead of a ring. Oli knew the owner and the artist making the tattoos. He had just finished hers and looked hat him.

He was nervous. It was his first tattoo ever. She put an arm around his waist and he laid back on her. Giving his left hand to the artist. The artist started his work. He clenched with his other hand into hers. He sometimes flinched and held his eyes mostly closed. As they were finished, she paid and the tattoo artist congratulated them.

They slender through the historic center of Heidelberg. The still warm September sun, wandered through the city. They decided to set themselves into a café and have some coffee and cake. They finished their day in their loft. Standing on the balcony, watching the sunset and sipping some champagne.

“You know, if it hadn't been for that stupid accident, we mostly wouldn’t be here today?” Ernst thought loud.

“Yeah. But it wasn’t stupid. I found you. And you ain’t stupid. Du bist wunderbar” (3)

“Du bist auch wunderbar” (3)

They sat down on the bench and watched in relaxing silence the sundown.

“You think James had a same good day, as we?” he asked, grinning.

“Oh, I am not sure. But I am sure this day will stick to him”, she answered, also grinning at the little prank Ernst played on his brother.

The night came faster, than thought, and Oli pulled out a telescope, for star watching.

She noticed her lovers, slight shiver and brought a big fluffy blanket outside.

They continued to watch the night sky for some hours, before retuning to bed for the night.

Translation:

(1) Oli, take care of you. Don’t get me! Or they will get you as well!

(2) At least I am going to die though her hand

(3) You are amazing

[katebihshop]

vent time? vent time

uhhhhhhhhh i don’t think zoloft is working for me??? i haven’t really....felt a difference except like i’m way more tired 

i mean ik that sounds like bullshit bc i’m up at 2 am but like.... i’ve been sleeping longer than i should, through my alarms and stuff, like i can’t get out of bed before noon even when i go to sleep at an early enough time. and then some days after getting out of bed around 1 i take a several hour long nap ???

my energy is jsut lower than normal and my normal is already pretty low so like,,, yikes

and tbh i don’t really feel like it’s doing much for my mood anyways but i’ve only been on it for like 2 weeks so idk if ishould give it more of a chance???

i know meds aren’t the only part of feeling better but like,,,, would be nice to be on one that worked lmao!!

[rockfact]

whenever i type a number it gets really big . anyway its 11pm and ishould sleep but i napped earlier so im NOT tired and its. evil