#also my mom almost made me cry lol.. it was a misunderstanding both times..

[zippers]

been wanting to continue hxh 99 for the past 6 or so hours but cant bring myself to do it lol

[soundsaboutrighttumblr]

WBL meta ep 4.

On lucky ones and fools for love, of which there might be not one, but two, each, on broken means of communication and bridges, hierarchies and equal footings in relationships. Started out as typing along each scene, but then one scene stole all the paragraphs, so I cut it a bit short in the end. So yes, kinda my stream of consciousness again.

 -          We are reminded: Shi De’s mails have always been unanswered, his messages, after 1 year approximately, stay even unread. Communication and its multitude of possible errors will be touched on… good.

-          We are told: Little baby Oscar is Shi De’s brother. Ashley probably his step sister that helped take care of Oscar while Shi De’s mom recovered. Shi De stayed, because of his mother’s health and problems in the company, to help out the people he loves, because they are his family, too. Besides Shu Yi. That made two months into two years.

The scene that stole all the paragraphs:

-          Moving light on concrete walls, bowls and symbols of present and enduring care and nourishment, a fresh morning, fresh eyes, new awakenings. Man, that scene is everything, not only because it is the scene where Shu Yi will realize imo that this man before him did not cheat on him, without anyone explicitly  having to address it. I love this scene already. Will there be fic? Possibly. First, watch me type through it like this, if you want:

-          They turn towards each other, like really facing each other. At eye level. Do I make myself clear, lol? They are both sober and rested and calm and are looking right at each other, in a safe space, with morning fresh eyes, eyes open once more after their night TM, a period of darkness, that might have stretched longer than this actual night. Yeah, I am feeling dramatic alright.

Boy do I love that Shi De just starts to speak. Apologizes sincerely, and for the thing that shows that successful communication actually can happen between those two, when they are together, that Shi De actually has listened to Shu Yi and his side and considered it and is aware of where his fault lies, to a degree.

He admits that he realized he didn’t believe in Shu Yi’s forever.

I understand the following lines as carrying the sentiment: Shi De always loved Shu Yi, but as he said to Dad, he wanted to be with him forever the moment he got together with him. Before that was his one sided love, a vague concept of love, but the dream to be together with Shu Yi was just that, a dream. One that became concrete and true, and that was the moment Shi De actually felt and decided he wants this forever.

It became a decision to commit, and the process of it becoming real for Shi De, a decision that reaches into his reality, it took ten years. So he was reluctant to believe that for Shu yi that process of reaching certainty could have happened much quicker. He only had his own love as reference, and used to carrying it all by himself, that standard made him question, if Shu Yi COULD be as certain as Shi de was, after arriving at his decision after 10 years, versus Shu Yi’s rather recent-feeling awakening.

– maybe Shu Yi loved you for longer, even if his knowledge of it was asleep, Shi De, you know he comprehends things in his sleep, we know that about him, right? Sorry side tracked –

Shi De realizes, and TELLS Shu Yi, I mean that scene, he just tells and talks, the marvel… sorry, Shi De realized he DID not believe Shu Yi’s devotion to be the equal to his, thought that Shu Yi was just swept off his feet by the moment, and then he realizes, that the fault for that lies in his own insecurities. And he says that. To Shu Yi. InternalYesScreaming.

-          Okay. The intricacies of miscommunication and manipulation. Dad’s arguments were received by Shi De with open ears, because they were thoughts and insecurities, he’d already had himself. The worry of being not good enough, of holding Shu Yi back. That’s why they work even if Shi De realizes he’s being manipulated by that entire put together scene.

-           And then Dad presented that broken phone, the symbol of broken communication and broken bridges between them, on a silver platter almost, I mean do you remember the way Dad orchestrated that meeting with the food and the waiter handing him the device on silent cue? It must have felt like things were truly broken beyond an immediate chance of repair.

-          BTW : Dad holding the cards, ahem, the phone, the means of communication between them in his hands? We will remember that later, right.

-          So yeah, the only chance Shi De saw to salvage anything of it, was in the future. So he gave himself those 5 years, to be worthy to stand next to Shu Yi.

-          I think that is about the time that Shu Yi realizes, finally allows himself to let it click, that this man never looked at anyone else but him. Like, that for Shi De, there is no one better on this planet than Shu Yi, there’s no arrogance that a cheating situation could have been born out of.

-         Also? He sees that Shi De actually has always perceived himself as inferior to Shu Yi, deep down, and/or is afraid Shu Yi might see him as such, which is a reversal and touch on their theme of who is No 1 and Mr. Second, see conclusion waaay down below in highlighted on this monster of a meta.

-          The power of it. For Shu Yi to be able to finally SEE Shi De and who he is enough again, that he can overcome his doubts. Without Shi De addressing the misunderstanding, but, and that is important, by Shi De TALKING. About himself, without pretense for strength. The misunderstanding is made nil by communication per se, not communication about it but by the essence of communication, of baring yourself to another, who listens, and understands.

-          Gah.

-          The way Shu Yi finally acts, when Shi De mentions someone better for Shu Yi. Like there would be someone. How he makes him face him again when Shi De starts to get lost in his own self-flagellating thoughts. Reminding him, this is not a monologue this is a dialogue, by making him face him again. So important, because that happens with them when they are in a room together. They can draw each other out of their heads and communicate.

-          Btw, there are wet spots of tears on both their pillows.

-          And yes, he puts it in words. That it is his call to choose Shi De, and decide to want to stay with him forever. Not Shi De’s for him, not Dad’s.

-          Stupid Gao Shi De. And that affectionate slap on his head. Because they will always be physical like that.

-          And there it is, the bracelet that was never gone, and what follows is a renewed wedding vows scene if I ever saw one, is humility and forgiveness and renewed promises on an equal footing. I think that scene deserves way more words, but I might put that in fic or another meta, this is getting ridiculously long. But I think the feels in this one are quite clear. But let me say this:

This episode poses the question who is the lucky one. Also, related to that, who is Mr. Second, and who is No 1? Is it who we thought it was? Or was it reversed, was Shi De the lucky one after all? OR was it the two of them from the start, two lucky ones, two fools for love? And finally: a sense of growth, away from the hierarchy and the illusion of No 1s and Mr. Seconds, of winners and losers in relationships:

You can be equal only through honesty and vulnerability and shared responsibility.

 -          Please let me know what you think the statue, the rabbit and the crystal ball symbolizes, knowing the show it might symbolize something, but I am lost here, lol. Is it a chinese character thing? Soundsalikes? Three syllables? Am i interpreting too much into it?

-          I actually will skip some scenes now, because I just want to mention the ones that tie into the topics I started on above, communication and bridges, because else this will break all limits lengthwise.

-          The scene where Bing Wei tells Shi De of the magnitude and depths of Shu Yi’s love. Once again solidifying, that it has always been Shi De’s love’s equal, devotion wise.That Shi De is the freaking lucky one, too.

-          The matter of the phone as the symbol. Shu Yi crying alone with the phone, the broken symbol of the broken communication between them, and then Dad taking that out of his hands.

-          How it ties into when they both realize at the same time, Dad’s involvement and interruption of their communication might have even started earlier, with blocking the emails from the start when they were apart. You lose sympathies in this ep again, dad, lol.

-          The scene on the bridge. BRIDGE. Yeah, besides that it has history for them, look what they do in that scene. They reconnect further, mend bridges, by their shared history in highlights, but also by levelling the ground between them, each admitting and being told that they both have been idiots in this for their own parts, laughing about it even with tears in their eyes. Teasing each other with it, but pulling each other closer over it, the teasing, careful, long unused steps around each other, but on a bridge between them that they revisit, that has been mended, that is secure again under their feet.

It’s the ground they can stand on, the ground they can and WILL use to talk about all that stuff, the bridge between them, their equal love.

-          Also, Shu Yi is eating in that scene, happily.

-          Oh man, I will end it here, because there’s just too much to say, and I will, in fic and more meta, let me know what you wanna talk about if you made it this far.

[wheresmynaya]

Lost in the Lights Ch.12|Brittana

A/N - Sorry this took forever but better late than never, right? I’m literally posting this right before I leave for work so I hope I don’t forget anything LOL. Thank you all for being patient! Not sure how I feel about this chapter but I'm sure you'll let me know if I've lost my touch 😅

Available on ff.net (x) ao3 (x) wattpad (x) & under the cut!

Two days go by after the Titans’ big win over Crawford County Day and Brittany is starting to wonder how soon is soon for Santana. She spends Thanksgiving with her family at her grandparents’ house watching football and stuffing her face with all kinds of good food and for awhile it’s enough to distract her from constantly checking her phone.

It’s a quiet day filled with random moments of sadness because her dad isn’t there to drag her and Pete outside for a quick game during halftime like he usually would. He’s not there to carve the turkey or start up with the Christmas music despite their mom’s protest, but they all set a place for him at the head of the table as if he were just running a little late.

It’s the weirdest feeling ever to know that he’s not coming.

Black Friday comes and goes in the same way. Whitney breaks out all the Christmas decorations in anticipation for the holidays which have snuck up on all of them. Pete’s as excited as always and Brittany would be too if it weren’t for the melancholy.

It’ll be their first Christmas without him, just like it was their first Thanksgiving, and Brittany’s not sure how she’s going to cope with that just yet. She’s strong and she usually speaks up when she’s ready to talk about how she hurts, but she has a hard time when it comes to her dad. Everyone in the family hurts, it’s only a matter of it getting easier to cope with as time goes on.

It’s hard to pretend sometimes that she’s over the denial of it all. Sometimes she thinks she doesn’t have any more tears left to cry when it comes to her dad, but she always surprises herself in the end. It’s true what they say about grief, it does come in waves and Brittany longs for the day they only feel like ripples.

 \\

On top of the holiday blues starting to settle in, there’s also everything going on between her and Santana. In the two days that have passed since the game on Wednesday, she hasn’t heard from Santana at all.

At first, Brittany figured it was because she was busy. With Thanksgiving and Black Friday shopping madness, things can get hectic so she was understanding like always. However, now that it’s going on Day 3 and her texts and calls have still gone unanswered, her patience has started to run thin – now she’s just annoyed.

Her head is coming up with all kinds of reasons for Santana’s silence. Did she get scared off after their talk after the game? Was she really needing all this time to work out what she wants? Maybe she got kidnapped and is being held for ransom?

That last one is a little ridiculous, but what else is Brittany meant to think? Everything that they talked about that night wouldn’t have led to a cold shoulder, not after Santana said all of those things about dates and flowers.

She likes Brittany, she said it herself, so why would she be giving her the silent treatment?

If Santana isn’t going to answer her phone or return a text, Brittany will just have to take matters into her own hands and find out herself!

\\

When Brittany arrives on Santana’s door step later that afternoon, all that bravado from earlier starts to dwindle. She’s been here once before with Pete, but now that she’s alone and doesn’t have her cute little brother to lean on it’s kind of scary.

Brittany has heard the rumors about Santana’s family and it makes her nervous – like she’s coming in from the wrong side of the tracks. Brittany definitely didn’t grow up in a similar fashion as Santana so she isn’t sure what to expect. Then again, it wouldn’t be the first time rumors have been wrong about a Lopez.

Still, Brittany didn’t want to take any chances in case she was wrong and Santana’s parents actually are the worst. Who knows if Santana’s parents would be around, but if they were Brittany wanted to make sure she made a good first impression. Her dad always said the first one was the most important so she spent extra time trying to look presentable.

And all this because Santana wouldn’t return a call or text?

She’s going to owe her big time if this ends up being something silly.

\\

After a big deep breath, Brittany gives a firm knock on the front door before taking a step back. With her head held high, she braces herself for whoever is bound to answer.  

A broad-shouldered man with his shiny black hair neatly coifed opens the door a moment later and Brittany’s heart nearly jumps to her throat. His brow quirks in a similar fashion as Santana’s when she’s being critical of someone and it makes Brittany gulp.

So much for steering clear of any judgement…

“Can I help you?” He asks, his voice deep and unwavering.

Brittany doesn’t know why she scared shitless right now because he hasn’t really done anything to scare her but she is. She hopes it doesn’t show though as she gives him her best smile.

“Hi, I was wondering if Santana was home?” Brittany answers politely, “I’m Br – “

“Brittany?”

Santana’s voice can be heard before she’s seen wedging herself between the man and the front door. She’s dressed so casually in dark jeans and a sweater, a stark comparison to the Cheerios uniform Britany’s so used to seeing her in but the blonde is so relieved that she’s there.

Santana looks a little shocked to see Brittany standing there on her doorstep though.

Brittany continues to smile at Santana although the man frowns and looks to the side.

“Did you invite her here? You’re grounded, Santana, that means no – “

“Who is it?” Another voice calls out, “Why are you all standing by the door?”

Santana gives an apologetic look to Brittany before she’s turning away to answer, “It’s Brittany, Mami.”

“Oh! Really?” The woman sounds equally surprised before the man steps to the side too. Out comes this woman who looks just like Santana only a little older. She smiles brightly, “Brittany, hi. I’m Maribel, Santana’s mom. This is Hector, her dad.”

Brittany looks between the three of them and smiles nervously. She wasn’t expecting to meet the entire family all at once, “Nice to meet you both.”

They all stand there for a moment and Brittany isn’t sure what’s happening right now or what all the tension she feels means. Hector continues to eye Brittany while Maribel looks delighted to see her.

Santana’s just looking back and forth between her parents like a lost little girl.

It has Brittany backpedaling, “I – I’m sorry, was I interrupting something? I could come back – “

“No, come in. Please,” Maribel gestures, “We’re just about to sit down for a late lunch.”

“Oh no, I couldn’t –“ Brittany says at the same time Hector speaks.  

“Santana is grounded remember?” He says, “She’s not meant to have any visitors.”

Maribel only waves him off, “It’s Thanksgiving, Hector, it’s fine. Brittany, will you join us?”

Brittany shifts awkwardly. She can’t really find it in her to say no to Santana’s mom; she seems really nice, but super intimidating at the same time.

Hector is just intimidating in general, but a chance to spend time with Santana has Brittany leaning towards a yes.

“Uhm, okay. Sure!” Brittany answers.

Maribel beams, “Great!”

Brittany watches her shoo Hector to the side so that she can invite Brittany in. Santana lingers near her mom also watching this unfold with this curious look on her face.

“It’s only Thanksgiving leftovers,” Maribel explains, “But I make a great panini with them.”

Brittany smiles at her, “Sounds awesome. I’ve never had one before.”

“Really? Well good! Come Hector,” Maribel instructs, “Help me in the kitchen.”

Hector looks back and forth between Maribel and the girls with this confused look on his face, “But Santana is – “

“Let her have this,” Maribel insists in a hushed voice that even has Brittany’s neck hairs standing on end.

Hector nods obediently before following his wife to the kitchen which leaves Santana and Brittany alone in the living room.

Brittany turns back to Santana with raised brows, “So…you’re grounded?”

Santana rolls her eyes, “Yeah. Word got back to them about my little disagreement with Karofsky and Azimio…and whoever else was on the field that night. Dad’s pissed because I keep causing scenes, but Mom’s proud that I care about someone else other than Quinn and myself.”

“Wow,” Brittany chuckles awkwardly, “Well…I guess that would explain a lot. I though you were ignoring me.”

Santana’s shoulders drop, “I’m sorry. It happened so quickly, I couldn’t warn you that I didn’t have my phone anymore.”

Brittany nods, relieved that this wasn’t something bigger. It was purely a misunderstanding.

“I’ve missed you,” Santana whispers through a small smile that makes Brittany blush. Her hands are wringing themselves out and she kicks at the floor so bashfully that Brittany would laugh if she wasn’t so smitten, “Uh…how was your Thanksgiving?”

“It was okay,” Brittany answers shortly, not wanting to touch on how many times she secretly cried about missing her dad, “Just hung out with my family at my grandparents’ house and started Christmas decorating. I missed talking to you though.”

“You did?” Santana looks amazed which has Brittany giggling.

“Don’t sound so surprised,” Brittany smirks, “Talking to you is my favorite.”

It’s Santana’s turn to blush at that but just before she replies, Maribel’s voice interrupts them.

“Girls!” Maribel calls out, “It’s ready.”

The grin Santana wears instantly falls as she goes to inhale deeply, almost as if she’s preparing herself for something big to happen. It worries Brittany.

“What’s that for?” Brittany jokes lightly, “Did I just get myself into something I shouldn’t have?”

“We’ll see,” Santana chuckles nervously before leading the way to the dining room.

\\

Brittany and Santana sit next to each other on one side of the table while Maribel sits opposite them and Hector sits at the head. The tension is still there from before and Brittany’s not sure why that is, but she focuses on her manners and continues to be polite.

Despite only eating sandwiches, the antique China cabinets and ornate dining set make the meal feel way more formal than it actually is. They drink fresh lemonade out of crystal glasses and eat off of the thinnest plates Brittany’s ever seen.

She feels like she might break something with just one touch and it puts her on edge a little, but then Santana’s hand find its way on her knee. She gives it a gentle squeeze and it’s almost enough to relieve some of Brittany’s anxiousness. It’s the hardest thing ever for Brittany to keep her eyes forward instead of watching Santana’s hand move.

“This looks really good, Mrs. Lopez,” Brittany compliments.

“Thank you, Brittany,” The woman replies with a smile, “And please, call me Maribel.”

“Of course,” Brittany nods and everyone digs in.

It’s kind of funny how they’re in such a fancy looking dining room yet they’re all eating with their hands. Maybe this isn’t as formal as Brittany thought?

“So Brittany,” Hector starts after wiping his mouth with the napkin laid in his lap, “Santana says you play football?”

Brittany gulps the last of her bite and nods, “Yes sir, I do.”

He hums and Brittany’s not sure what that means. He’s just as hard to read as Santana can be sometimes, but thankfully Maribel steps in.

“Quarterback, is that right?”

Brittany smiles, “Yes. That’s right.”

“And your parents are okay with that?” Hector asks with just a hint of disbelief in his tone.

Santana stiffens at the question, but Brittany’s no stranger to it.

“Yes sir,” Brittany answers proudly, “My dad always said if you can play the game well then you should. Judging by my stats, I think I do pretty well.”

Hector hums again but Brittany’s not sure if that’s in approval or not. She’s thinking it’s the latter just by the tone of his question and she knows it shouldn’t make her feel small but it kind of does.

“I’d never let my daughter play such a rough sport,” He says dismissively.

Brittany looks to Santana but it seems like she’s just focused on constantly keeping her mouth full. It’s a good tactic, Brittany should’ve thought of that first.

“Cheerleading is pretty rough,” Brittany shrugs casually, “I don’t think it gets enough credit really, you have to be pretty athletic. I think I was injured more times cheering than I have while playing football.”

Her answer seems to take everyone by surprise and Brittany fights the urge to smirk. A girl being able to do both – cheer and play football? – that’s unheard of, right? Brittany chuckles on the inside, secretly loving how she can shut down stereotypes.

“Well…” Hector sighs, seemingly stumped for the moment, “I suppose all sports have their risks.”

“True! I think the Cheerios’ drills might even be a little more intense that what I have to do with the Titans,” Brittany replies with a glance towards Santana, “I couldn’t imagine doing what Santana does every practice. I can see why she’s been Co-Captain for so long.”

“Santana’s such a hard worker,” Maribel agrees, “We’re very proud of her accomplishments.”

“I bet there’s a ton of them too,” Brittany jokes. When she sees Santana’s dimples all on display it makes her entire day.

“Stop it,” Santana whispers through flushed cheeks.

God, Brittany just wants to kiss her.

“So Brittany,” Hector says as he aims the focus back onto Brittany, “What do your parents do?”

“Well, my mom works at a diner at the moment while she tries to get her Real Estate license in order,” Brittany answers, “There’s been some mix up with the paperwork so it’s taking a little longer than usual, but she doesn’t mind the change in work since it’s temporary.”

Hector hums while Maribel smiles, “Which diner does she work at?”

“I think it’s called Frank’s?”

“Ah yes, I know the one,” Maribel nods, “Great coffee.”

“And what about your father?” Hector asks stiffly, “What does he do for work?”

Santana glances to Brittany as the blonde answers, “Well, my dad died earlier this year so…”

“Oh,” Maribel frowns, “I’m so sorry, Brittany.”

Hector nods too, seemingly a little guilty for prying, “My condolences.”

Santana just reaches over and squeezes at Brittany’s knee again and it makes this all feel just a little less awkward. Brittany’s always hated this part of the conversation, she never knows what to say.

“Thanks,” Brittany replies, trying to force a smile.

The awkward silence lingers a little longer before Santana reaches over to top up everyone’s glass with lemonade. It doesn’t take long before Hector asks another question.

“What are your plans after graduation? Will you continue playing football?”

“I hope so,” Brittany answers honestly, “I know it’s a crazy dream, but I want to play at the college level. A couple of scouts had their eye on me at my old school, but I don’t know if they’ll follow me here. It’ll look really good if I can bring home a Championship win for McKinley though – especially for the Titans considering their long dry spell.”

Hector nods, “Yes, I don’t believe the Titans have won in many, many years. It’s part of the reason why they brought Coach Beiste in, but it doesn’t look like she’s been able to end the drought either.”

“It’s probably because she didn’t have the right person leading the team,” Santana replies, “Like Brittany.”

Brittany quirks her brow at the sassy tone before looking to Hector to see what he’ll do.

“You know Brittany made Team Captain after her third week?” Santana adds as she sends Brittany a proud smile, “It took Finn Hudson an entire semester before he was made.”

“Wow! That’s amazing, Brittany,” Maribel compliments, “You must be a born leader.”

“She is,” Santana answers instead, “Brittany’s the perfect person to end the Titans’ drought.”

Brittany tries to keep the smirk from growing when she realizes what Santana’s doing and instead watches out for Hector’s reaction. He only narrows his eyes at Santana before looking back down at his plate.

The tension is palpable again so Brittany quickly fills the awkward silence.

“It’ll be an important game for a lot of people so I hope we can make something happen,” Brittany says, “Coach Beiste is really great and most of the team is really hard working. There are rumors that a recruiter from Ohio State might be there too.”

“We should watch, Hector!” Maribel suggests, “It’ll be history in the making.”

“Maybe, if I’m not working,” Hector responds with a shrug, “So if this scout doesn’t pick you up, then what? I’m sure you have back up plans. It would be silly not to.”

“Hector,” Maribel chastises.

“What’s the harm in asking?” He defends.

Brittany gives Maribel and Santana an assuring smile before responding, “It would be kind of silly, wouldn’t it? I have other interests too that I can fall back on if football doesn’t work out for me.”

“Like?”

“Papi,” Santana begs.

But again, Brittany isn’t too bothered. This time she’s the one to give Santana an inconspicuous squeeze to her knee.

“I do pretty well in math and science,” Brittany answers, “I got a near perfect score on my SAT too. I only struggle with English but Santana helps me with that. She’s a really great tutor.”

“Thanks,” Santana grins.

“College isn’t just about playing football,” Brittany adds, “I doubt I’ll be getting into the NFL so I do have other plans. I’ve always loved animals; one of my other dreams is to be a vet or marine biologist. Someone who helps those that can’t help themselves, you know?”

Hector looks surprisingly impressed by Brittany’s answer.

“Are we done with the 21 questions now?” Santana quips which earns her a glare from her mom this time.

“I’m just curious,” Hector replies as he cracks a smile for the first time, “Small town, Brittany, everyone knows everyone. It’s rare that I come across someone new.”

“You work in Cincinnati,” Santana retorts, "You meet new people all the time.”

Brittany can tell Santana’s getting more and more wound up for some reason, so she moves to diffuse the situation before Santana can get herself into anymore trouble with her parents.

“It’s okay,” Brittany shrugs, “I don’t mind.”

“See?” Hector waves his hand, “We’re just talking. It’s important to have conversations about options when it comes to college.”

“Is it now?” Santana asks sarcastically, “I wouldn’t know. Seems like your mind was pretty made up when it came to my options.”

Brittany’s brows rise at that tone and her gaze averts right to her plate.

“Who needs options when you’re Harvard-bound?” Hector questions, “There’s no better university.”

“Maybe to you.”

Hector looks taken aback, “What are you saying?”

“I’m saying – “

“Let’s not do this here,” Maribel interrupts.

There’s that familiar motherly tone that makes Brittany’s neck hairs stand on end, but she peeks up to see Santana and Hector standing off through glares while Maribel is giving them one of her own.

Out of the three, Maribel’s is the scariest.

Santana backs down first with a mumbled, “Sorry.”

Hector only takes in a deep breath while Maribel smiles again at Brittany.

“Forgive us, Brittany,” She says.

“It’s cool,” Brittany smiles before chancing a glance in Santana’s direction. The girl is still fuming in silence and Brittany wants nothing more than to comfort her.

“We’ll talk about this later,” Hector says lowly.

“Fine,” Santana huffs.

\\

Thankfully, Hector and Maribel dismiss themselves shortly after and Santana’s left to clean up. Brittany tags along to offer her a hand, but they don’t make any small talk. She can see that Santana’s stuck in her head, but Brittany can understand why. After such a short lunch, she’s starting to see why Santana struggles so much with being herself and owning her feelings.

“I’m sorry about him,” Santana mentions awhile later after the dishes are done.

Brittany tries to make light of it, “I haven’t been grilled like that in awhile.”

“Yeah,” Santana shakes her head, “He isn’t usually like that, but if it’s any consolation you did a lot better than when Puck came over for the first time. You should’ve seen my dad’s face when Puck told him about his plans for college.”

“Why?”

“Puck doesn’t have any,” Santana chuckles, “Afterwards my dad told me I wasn’t allowed to see him anymore.”

Brittany’s eyes widen, “You two dated?”

“I wouldn’t really call it that.”

“Oh.”

“It’s whatever. That was before everything happened,” Santana shrugs before she starts to smirk, “So you never told me you used to cheer.”

“You never asked,” Brittany replies jokingly, “The coach at my old school let me join after the football season finished up. I did that for a year before I decided to stick to training in the off season and work.”

“And you had a job?”

“Yeah,” Brittany laughs, “I made smoothies at this one place. I got free drinks whenever I wanted so that was pretty cool.”

“I’ve never had a job,” Santana admits, “My dad won’t let me.”

Brittany chuckles, “Why am I not surprised by that?”

Santana sends her a playful glare before asking, “So why’d you quit cheering?”

“It’s boring.”

“Boring?” Santana laughs out of disbelief.

“Yeah, it didn’t really challenge me,” Brittany shrugs.

“But the stunts?”

“I’ve already done gymnastics so nothing new to me.”

Santana gives her a look for that, “You must’ve not had the right kind of Captain. “

“You think so?” Brittany raises her brow challengingly.

“I know so,” Santana smirks and slides a little closer, “I can promise you’d never get bored on my squad.”

Brittany bites her lip at the sound of Santana’s flirty tone but she puts some distance between them. After all, they’re still in Santana’s kitchen and who knows where Maribel and Hector are.

“Don’t do that.”

“Do what?” Santana asks innocently.

Brittany narrows her eyes although she can’t help but smile, “Flirt with me.”

“I didn’t realize I was.”

“Well, you were and you can’t do that right now,” Brittany says before drying her hands, “I came here because I’m mad at you, but… I guess that was before I knew you were grounded so I can’t really be mad anymore.”

Santana looks confused, “Wait…you’re mad at me? Why?”

Brittany turns away, “It sounds silly now.”

Santana softens at Brittany’s sudden shyness, “Tell me.”

“Well, I thought you were ignoring me on purpose,” Brittany admits guiltily, “You said we would talk soon and then I went two days without hearing from you and…at first I was worried and then I got kind of angry. I thought you might have had…second thoughts.”

“Oh,” Santana breathes out and combs her fingers through her long dark hair, “I’m sorry. Like I said, it happened really quickly – I couldn’t send out a warning or anything.”

“I get that now,” Brittany nods, “Especially after that lunch.”

“Yeah,” Santana says sadly, “I should get my phone back soon, maybe later today if my mom has anything to do with it.”

“Okay,” Brittany replies, “Then maybe we can talk about what we’re doing?”

Santana sighs, “Britt…this is still really new for me. My family isn’t like yours and I’m not like you.”

Brittany starts to frown, “I know that.”

“So you have to stop pressuring me,” Santana replies.  

“Santana,” Brittany sighs as she takes one of her hands, “I wasn’t trying to pressure you, I just don’t want you to get comfortable in hiding who you are.”

Judging by the surprised look on Santana’s face, Brittany’s not sure if she’s just crossed a line she shouldn’t have. She wasn’t trying to be rude, if anything she cares way too much and she just wants Santana to know that.

“I’m sorry,” Brittany says in a softer tone as she runs her thumb over the back of Santana’s hand, “I just…I know how hard it is to venture out of your comfort zone – especially when it comes to this stuff – and I feel like that’s exactly what you were doing. You were getting comfortable with hiding us and with the way I feel about you and knowing how you feel about me…I don’t want to do that.”

Santana looks a little guilty as she nods, “I don’t want to either.”

“I like you,” Brittany admits around a timid grin as she lets go of Santana’s hand, “I really like you and I like kissing you and being around you, but I can only be patient and wait for so long. I’m not asking you to have everything figured out, because who does at our age?”

“Like, no one.”

“Exactly.”

Santana gives her small smile, “There’s that infamous Pierce wisdom again.”

Brittany lifts her shoulder casually at the compliment while Santana just stares at the blonde with this serene look on her face. It kind of makes Brittany feel see-through but in a good way. The kind of way that has her going out on a limb here and voicing exactly what she wants for them.

Brittany nervously bites her lip, “I guess what I’m trying to say is that I think you and I are awesome together and I wouldn’t mind figuring out stuff with you.”

Santana looks like she’s about to melt into a puddle as she says, “Brittany.”

The blonde has never heard her name sound so pretty, but she guesses it helps when there’s a gorgeous girl saying it. It makes her feel tingly all over and she can’t help but grin.

“We won’t have to label it yet if you don’t want to,” Brittany rambles, “I mean, I’d love to call you my girlfriend because I think it kinda has a nice ring to it but I don’t want to pressure you. I just need to know whether or not we’re an us or still Santana and Brittany.”

Santana flutters her thick lashes as she looks up at Brittany with this look of pure adoration.

“Did you just ask me to be your girlfriend?” Santana asks around a small smile.

Brittany lets out a nervous chuckle as she squeezes the back of her neck, “I think I did – which I didn’t plan on doing but I’m not taking it back now.”

“Good,” Santana replies and that makes Brittany’s smile widen, “I don’t want you to.”

Brittany bites her bottom lip to keep from beaming, “So does that mean…”

Santana giggles as she tugs a little on the bottom of Brittany’s shirt and pulls her in even closer. Her expression turns solemn and Brittany’s smile falters, unsure if that’s a good or bad sign.  

“I can’t promise you that I won’t say the wrong thing again or I won’t disappoint you,” Santana says, “You know I’m still a work in progress and I wish that meant that you didn’t have to worry about me back stepping or getting scared, but I really don’t know.”

Brittany looks worried but she tries to mask it with an, “Okay.”

“But…I can try to be better,” Santana adds sounding a lot more hopeful, “I want to be better. Like I’ve said before, I want to be someone you deserve to be with and if we’re going to do this thing for real then it’s time that I put in the work to show you that. I’ve never really been a great girlfriend in the past, but with you – there’s nothing I want more.”

The overwhelming relief that washes over Brittany is unmatched and all she wants to do is wrap Santana up in the tightest hug ever and kiss her silly, but she’s so surprised by the turn of events that all she can do is stand there and stare dopily.

“Okay,” Brittany says again behind her grin.

Santana laughs before looking around hesitantly. After a glance around the kitchen, she’s rolling up on her tippy toes to place a chaste kiss to Brittany’s cheek. The move surprises the quarterback but she smiles anyway.

“I’m taking that as a yes?” Brittany jokes.

“It’s definitely a yes,” Santana giggles and Brittany can’t stop staring at how cute her dimples are when she’s smiling so brightly. She wants to do everything in her power to make Santana smile like that more often – hopefully she can – but then she sees the time displayed on the microwave and suddenly frowns.

“Crap! I should get going,” Brittany says in a hurry, “I’m supposed to pick up Pete from my grandparents’ house in like five minutes. They’re hosting poker at their place tonight.”

Santana quirks a brow, “Poker?”

“Yeah,” Brittany answers casually, “Pretend you didn’t hear that though. I’m not really supposed to say. My mom doesn’t like when they gamble.”

Santana chuckles at that, “Okay then, let me walk you out.”

As she leads the way, they pass Maribel reading in the living room alone. The woman glances up at them and smiles.

“You heading home now, Brittany?” Maribel asks.

“Almost. I have to pick up my little brother first,” Brittany replies, “Thank you for lunch.”

“Of course, any time!”

“I’m just going to walk Brittany to the car,” Santana says to which Maribel only nods with this knowing smile. It makes Brittany wonder what that is but soon Santana’s nudging her out the door and closing it behind them.

“Geez, can’t get rid of me soon en – “

The closes just in time for Santana to steal a kiss. It catches Brittany off guard but she smiles into anyway, hoping it lasts a little longer than the peck on her cheek in the kitchen.

“I couldn’t do that in there,” Santana explains when she pulls away, “Not yet.”

“Not yet,” Brittany grins, “We can wait awhile to do that in front of your parents. Your dad kind of scares me a little. Actually, your mom does too.”

Santana chuckles, “So could I call you later? You know, if I get my phone back tonight?”

“Sure!”

“Okay cool,” Santana nods happily, “Well…have a safe drive.”

“I will,” Brittany winks before walking to her car. She buckles in and waves one last time to Santana before heading off.

\\\\\

Santana’s heart is a little heavy when she heads back inside despite what just happened in her kitchen. The pure joy and happiness she feels for finally clearing things up with Brittany is great, but it’s not enough to overshadow the impending doom since she opened her big mouth during lunch.  Santana has felt this particular storm brewing for some time now and all she has is her attitude to thank for it to finally happen.

Maribel glances from her book when the front door closes and Santana instantly feels her shoulders sink beneath the weight of what’s to come.

Why couldn’t she have bit her tongue like always? Why’d she have to do this now of all times?

There’s this sympathetic look on Maribel’s face as she sets the book aside.

“Brittany’s a sweet girl,” Maribel mentions like any talk of Brittany is some sort of ice breaker for Santana.

It kind of is now; it’s hard not to smile when the blonde crosses Santana’s mind.

“The sweetest,” Santana agrees bashfully before joining her mom on the couch.

They sit there in silence for a moment and Santana’s not sure what Maribel’s going to say next. Talk of Brittany wasn’t her first choice, but she rather that than the latter – at least while it’s just them sitting there.

“So are you two…a couple?” Maribel asks hesitantly.

Santana’s first instinct is to lie and she really considers going through with it, but she doesn’t. She has to do things differently this time – for her and for Brittany. With Maribel, Santana finds a little comfort and pushes her boundaries.

“Kind of.”

Santana’s answer makes Maribel look back at her quizzically.

“Kind of?” Maribel asks, “That was a yes or no question.”

Santana blushes as she stammers out, “Yes. Yes, we are.”

Maribel smiles proudly, “When did that happen?”

“Just a little while ago,” Santana can’t help but smile, “While we were doing the dishes.”

“Really?”

“Yeah,” Santana’s grin turns bashful, “I…I really like her, Mami. I’ve liked her for awhile now.”

“I can see why. She seems like a great girl,” Maribel winks, “What took you two so long?”

Santana knows Maribel was only joking but it makes her start to frown. She knows she isn’t the easiest person to be with and it takes a special kind of patience to stick it out for as long as Brittany has, but that doesn’t make her feel any less guilty about it.

“It’s complicated,” Santana ends up saying.

Maribel nods like she understands, but Santana doubts she really does.

That’s not on her though, that’s on Santana because she makes every conversation about her feelings so difficult. She’s not sure when the wires got crossed and everything started to feel like pulling teeth to her, but it’s been like this for years and she hates it. It’s like being honest with herself and her feelings meant going against this image she has created over the years.

Santana hates how she has played this role for so long – has tried to live up to everyone’s expectations – that she doesn’t know who she is anymore. Did she ever even know in the first place? The crazy thing is though, with Brittany she can see theses glimpses of her true self – the person she wishes she could be all the time if no one cared about reputations or sexuality.  

Her feelings for Brittany came so easily, it was like the moment she laid eyes on the blonde at Puck’s End of Summer party that was it. Santana was hooked then and there. She didn’t expect Brittany to have that kind of effect on her, but here she is a few months later wanting to be the best version of herself…just so she can be someone Brittany deserves.

And really, it sounds like the biggest task in the world. To sort through everything that makes up Santana and pick out what’s real and what isn’t so that she can finally be herself…it’s a lot. But, she’s making some progress when it comes to her love life and that’s half of the battle. The other half is about her future and she has only begun to voice her true feelings.

Santana picks at a thread that has come loose on her sweater and wonders aloud.

“Is Papi angry with me about what I said?”

There’s a quiet sigh from the opposite end of the couch before Maribel answers, “He’s surprised.”

Santana bites her lip, unsure if that really answers her question. Judging by Hector’s reaction and how abruptly her parents left after lunch, it doesn’t look good for her.

“You should talk to him though,” Maribel adds, “He won’t begin to understand you if you don’t.”

Santana lets out a dry laugh and Maribel quirks her brow at that.

“What’s so funny?”

Santana only shrugs, “I’m just not in the mood for another lecture.”

Maribel straightens up as Santana continues.

“I don’t know how many times I can apologize for things that I’m not actually sorry about,” Santana says, “I wasn’t really sorry for breaking JBI’s camera or starting that fight with those jerks on the football team and I’m not sorry for wanting to go somewhere other than Harvard. I’m not, Mami, and I can’t go up there if an apology is what he wants from me.”

“That is exactly why you need to talk to him. Tell him what you just told me,” Maribel replies before scooting closer to Santana, “Mija, you should never apologize for standing up for yourself. Granted, there’s a certain way to go about it that doesn’t involve your fists or football players three times your size…”

Santana ducks her head, “I’m really working on it.”

“I know you are,” Maribel replies, “But he doesn’t and that’s only because you talk to me more often than you talk to your father.”

Santana crosses her arms protectively over her chest, “He’s so hard to talk to.”

“Doesn’t mean you stop trying.”

“Tell that to him.”

“Go tell him yourself.”

Santana looks wide-eyed at her mom, “Seriously?”

Maribel only reaches for her book, “Yes, seriously.”

“But,” Santana stammers, “He never wants to hear what I have to say and I’m not trying to be grounded for the rest of my life.”

Maribel only chuckles, “You won’t be.”

“How can you be so sure?”

“Because,” Maribel replies, “One conversation between you two where you actually say what you mean and he actually listens will work wonders and I think now’s the perfect time for that to happen. I think you’re both ready to have that talk.”

Santana bites her lip nervously, “What if it doesn’t work out?”

Maribel looks to Santana and gives her this sympathetic smile, “Then he isn’t the man I married and this might be an even bigger problem than I thought.”

Santana’s brows rise at that but she doesn’t say anything more, just sits there in silence mulling over whether or not she’s brave enough to actually face her dad. With everything currently on her plate, she doesn’t think she’s ready. If anything, she’s drained and thinking about having to go up to Hector’s office and have this talk just makes her feel even more exhausted.

Maribel watches Santana hesitate in leaving and reaches over to pat her ankle, “You don’t have to talk to him today, but don’t leave things unsaid for too much longer. The sooner, the better.”

Santana nods, wondering where she’s heard that before.

\\\\\

Later that night, Brittany’s sprawled out on her bed watching footage of Carmel High’s Championship game from last year. She wants to be more than prepared for their upcoming game in two weeks’ time so putting in this extra work will hopefully help.

Brittany’s about halfway through when her phone starts to ring on her nightstand. She glances to it, not expecting to see the name that pops up and quickly scrambles to answer the call.

“Well, look who got their phone back!”

Santana chuckles down the line, “Yup! I’m officially a free woman…again.”

“Awesome,” Brittany beams as she rolls onto her back and stares up at the ceiling.

She has been thinking about Santana since the moment she left the Lopez residence. This is her girlfriend and even though she has yet to say the title out loud, just thinking it makes the butterflies in her stomach go crazy.  

“How’d the rest of your day go?”

Brittany tries to recall the past few hours, “Well, Pete kicked my butt in Monopoly. The kid is pretty ruthless, I wonder if he’ll be some big shot business tycoon when he’s older.”

“That’s cute.”

Brittany feels like blushing, “How about yours?”

“It went okay,” Santana hesitates for a moment, “I told my mom about us.”

“You did?” Brittany’s eyes widen and she can’t hide the surprise in her voice.

“Yeah, is that okay? She asked if we were a couple after you left…I didn’t want to lie.”

A smile stretches across Brittany’s face, “Yeah, that’s totally okay! I wasn’t sure if you wanted to tell people yet or…you know.”

“Well, I’m trying out being honest for a change,” Santana replies, “I figure if I have such an amazing girlfriend, why hide it?”

Brittany’s jaw drops and she’s so glad that Santana can’t actually see her right now because she must be a sight to see. She tries to play off being so blindsided by Santana’s glimmer of confidence by moving along the conversation.

“Sorry about leaving so suddenly earlier,” Brittany apologizes.

“It’s okay. Don’t worry about it.”

“So…Harvard, huh?” Brittany mentions, “I didn’t know you wanted to go there.”

“I don’t,” Santana answers with a chuckle.

“Oh,” Brittany moves to sit up against her headboard wondering if this was the right topic to switch to, “Is that why lunch got weird when we started talking about college?”

“Kind of,” Santana sighs, “I haven’t told my dad yet and I probably should’ve instead of the way I brought it up today. I’m supposed to be a doctor like most in my family and Harvard is where they’ve all gone. It’s kind of tradition.”

Brittany frowns, “So traditions aren’t just a Lima thing?”

“Not really, at least when it comes to my family,” Santana explains, “It’s a legacy thing.”

“Is that what you want to do?” Brittany wonders, “Be a doctor too?”

“I’m not sure anymore. I feel like I have to redeem myself for all the crap I’ve put them through and going to Harvard is the guaranteed way to do that.”

“But that’s not fair to you,” Brittany replies, “Especially if it’s not something you really want, or is it?”

Santana lets out a tired sigh, “I’ve spent so much of my life being told what I wanted that I can’t tell if it’s what I really want or what I’m just conditioned to want. I mean, I like helping people but I don’t see myself being a dermatologist like my Dad. Number one, it kind of grosses me out and two…I think it’s boring.”

Brittany giggles at that, “So is there anything else that does interest you? What about one of those kid doctors?”

“Me? Dealing with kids?” Santana lets out a bellyaching laugh, “Not a chance in hell, even if I’m making bank while doing it.”

Brittany finds herself grinning at the sound of Santana loosening up, “Why not?”

“I’m not really the best with kids.”

“Liar,” Brittany teases, “You’re great with Pete!”

“That’s because Pete isn’t like other kids, he’s actually cool. Sick kids can be brats and I’m not down to listen to all that whining.”

Brittany shakes her head and laughs, “Well, from personal experience I think you’d make a great doctor if that’s what you want to be. You’ve taken great care of me a bunch of times.”

“Thanks Britt,” Santana says and the blonde can practically hear the smile she probably wears, “What about you? Any schools your mom is forcing onto you in order to uphold the family legacy?”

“No family legacy here,” Brittany chuckles, “But Ohio State would be cool if I could get a scholarship for football, especially if those scouts looking at me back in Florida don’t pull through.”

“So that’s where you’re from,” Santana jokes, “You’ve never said.”

“Really? I swore I have.”

“No, but it does explain a lot.”

Brittany quirks her brow, “Does it?”

“Definitely. I was thought there was this different air about you,” Santana explains, “It’s probably because you’re one of the few people here who have actually seen the ocean.”

“Wait,” Brittany chuckles, “You’ve never seen the ocean?”

“Nope. I’ve lived in Lima all of my life, never really left either.”

“That’s so crazy!” Brittany gasps, “I don’t think I’ve ever met someone that hasn’t seen the ocean. I didn’t realize how much I’d miss it now that I can’t go to the beach anymore. It used to be my favorite place, everyone has to experience it at some point in their life.”

“Then I guess I’ll have to check it.”

Brittany softens as she imagines Santana and how she might react. She thinks about the cheek-bunching smile she’d wear and the sound of her laughter mixing in with the sea breeze. She imagines her being so carefree for once in her life and it makes Brittany smile.

“Maybe I’ll take you one day?” Brittany finds herself saying.

Santana doesn’t say anything for a moment and Brittany wonders if maybe she crossed a line or something? One day hints at a future together, maybe even one that lasts longer than the school year since taking trips to the beach isn’t something they could do during the weekend.

Waiting for a response makes Brittany’s heart thud, but soon Santana speaks up.  

“I could be down with that.”

“Yeah?” Brittany grins.

“As long as you’re my tour guide, it sounds like fun.”

Brittany bites her lip at that, once again super thankful that Santana can’t see how her words can turn Brittany into mush.

“Sweet. So,” Brittany hums as she sinks down into her pillows, “What else did you get up to after I left?”

“Not much,” Santana answers, “Just finishing up some work before school starts up again. My parents went to my Abuela’s house, they’re still there so they must be having a good time.”

Brittany can swear she hears sadness in Santana’s tone, “How come you didn’t go too?”

Santana doesn’t answer right away and Brittany wonders if maybe she has breached a touchy subject. Before she can try and change the subject though, Santana answers.

“I’m not exactly welcome there anymore.”

Brittany isn’t sure what to say.

“She’s not very…accepting. We haven’t spoken since I came out to her. It didn’t really end well for me and clearly she isn’t interested in making amends so…”

Brittany can tell Santana’s trying to be nonchalant about this but the sadness is so evident. It just breaks Brittany’s heart and all she wants to do right now is wrap her arms around Santana, to make her feel safe and wanted.

“I’m so sorry,” Brittany replies softly, “I didn’t mean to pry.”

“Don’t be sorry. We’re talking, you’re allowed to ask questions.”

“I know, but I don’t want to make you uncomfortable.”

“You aren’t. I promise, if you cross a line then I’ll just hang up on you.”

Brittany gasps but softens when she hears Santana’s cute little giggle.

“Not funny,” Brittany smirks as she turns off her bedside light. Now the light of her alarm clock is the only glow in the room.

“Kind of is.”

Brittany shakes her head, her eyelids feeling a little heavier than before, “You should’ve texted me earlier or something. I could’ve invited you over for Monopoly, really test Petey’s skills.”

Santana chuckles, “Maybe next time.”

“Maybe,” Brittany accidentally says through a yawn.

“You sound tired,” Santana mentions, “Losing is hard work, isn’t it?”

Brittany giggles sleepily, “In most cases I’d say I wouldn’t know, but since we’re talking about Monopoly…yeah, it really is.”

Santana laughs at that, “Do you want me to let you go so you can get some sleep then?”

Brittany rolls onto her side and snuggles into her pillows, “Not really.”

“But you’re tired, you should sleep.”

“I know, but I like talking to you more.”

“More than sleep? Aren’t I special?”

“Duh,” Brittany giggles, “I will gladly lose sleep over you.”

“Okay,” Santana laughs too, “How can I argue with such a smooth talker?”

“You can’t,” Brittany teases; she isn’t even trying to keep her eyes open anymore, “Can you stay here until I fall asleep?”

“Sure Britt,” Santana replies softly, “It doesn’t sound like you’re too far off.”

“It’s been a long day,” Brittany mentions tiredly.

“Yeah?”

“Mhmm, but it’s ending way better than it started.”

Santana hums happily, “So… what do I talk about if I know you’re falling asleep?”

“We don’t have to talk,” Brittany chuckles weakly, “Do whatever you were doing before you called and I’ll just listen?”

“Oh, okay then.”

There’s a long pause and Brittany nearly falls asleep, but then she hears the melodic sounds of piano keys followed by a familiar voice singing so beautifully.

At first, Brittany perks up a little wanting to make sure that she isn’t hearing things – that Santana really is singing to her. She’s only ever heard Santana a couple times before and she usually stops when she realizes someone is listening, but it’s not like that now.

Santana doesn’t care about someone listening because she is singing just for her.

And wow, what a voice!

It’s like rolling thunder with a warmth that reminds her of a crackling bonfire; Brittany hasn’t heard anything like it. She can only smile as she lays her phone down on the pillow next to her, trying her hardest to will herself to stay awake even longer just so she can continue to listen to Santana’s beautiful voice.

[fictionfreakazoid]

That post you made about our culture as lgbtq+ POC and liberalism/modernism is chef’s kiss. I must add I was very disappointed when I first saw the Marjan Muslim woman arranged marriage spoiler, because as a Muslim woman myself these tropes never reflect our true irl experiences. The resolution tonight was surprisingly somewhat not all bad to me. All we see in US tv shows is how inferior our practices are and how they can be ‘cured’ by their modernism for us to be truly happy. Yes some of our practices are problematic but it’s hard to just toss out our family who like Carlos phrased “are good people but not perfect “ for found family without the struggle of needing both.

I am a Biracial, Muslim and engaged to a woman. My parents know and we have had dinner with them. My mom is more welcoming (she is white) and my dad (he is black) is always happier to avoid any conversation about it. I literally stopped wearing a hijab at work & Ṣalāt al-Jumuʿah after the Nice attacks but almost everyday before work, during lunch etc I cry about it to a point where I want to quit because I am not fulfilled. Yes I don’t get to be a target but I want to celebrate my religion the way I please.That conflict phase is hard and most media gloss over it like it’s empowerment (remember Nadia removing her hijab in Elite?) .

Do they (911 LS) need to research more on Muslim and Islam representation? Absolutely!!S1 was very cringe but today I was left feeling somehow hopeful to give them a chance. I will probably get a lot of backlash for this but couldn’t they just hire a Muslim actress or consult with IRL Muslims?

I flesh it out because you gave me the stage lol, Again sorry for the bad English.

Salamu Alaikum sister! First of all, thank you for sharing, and I will always support you as my fellow Muslim and I’m glad there’s another lgbt+ POC Muslim watching the show!  Also, I actually didn’t watch Elite because I heard about that specifically and I didn’t want to go through that painful “representation” again. This is kinda long lol sorry I like writing and I have a lot of feelings about this, so I’ll put a read more here

I didn’t see any spoilers of the arranged marriage before the episode, so watching the episode my dread just grew and grew and unfortunately materialized. However, a few years ago I became friends with a hijabi in my college class and she informed me that she was engaged in an arranged marriage. Obviously, this shocked me at first but then she further explained that it had been more of a matchmaking process where her parents showed her people, and then she got to choose. I was still uncomfortable with this because obviously she was still pressured to get married, but my mom talked to me about it later and was like well, how else are (Muslims) going to find a suitable spouse in a halal way if not by matchmaking or happening to find a person? And I have to agree that at least that form of “arranged marriage” sounded somewhat reasonable if it was truly still a consensual choice by both spouses. However, the form of arranged marriage they showed in the episode was strongly different than that and literally proved to be problematic in the episode. I know Muslims from several different countries, I know my relatives who literally live in the Middle East: none of them still do that or even did that generations ago and honestly, the practice isn’t that Islamic either if the choice to opt out wasn’t apparently given to them from the start, which it didn’t seem to be in Marjan and Salim’s case. Arranged marriage in that form is definitely part of some cultures, but not, to my knowledge, a part of the Muslim nor Middle Eastern/Arab culture at large other than the clearly and undoubtedly unislamic practices of forced child marriages. So clearly they did not actually base the arranged marriage on actual Muslim culture, although arranged marriages do still happen in our culture, I personally do not know of it being common in our Muslim, particularly Muslim American, culture to be in that form so my suspicion is that they really just heard that Muslim communities still have arranged marriage without any context and tried to put it in the show and act all woke about it. I know that Marjan’s actress isn’t Muslim (which is also problematic, I definitely agree with you) and I doubt they either consult any actual Muslims nor is it likely that they have any Muslims in their writing team, and if they do they will only choose the most liberal of their opinions that fit their ideas of liberalism/modernism and escaping stereotypes and that’s too much of a portion that they’re including in the show. 

To continue to the part of the arranged marriage arc that I actually found reasonable: Marjan’s ultimate rejection of Salim. Despite some of the problematic ways they showed it, Marjan did strongly and visibly believe in Islam and its practices and was proud to be Muslim and defended it when the squad questioned any aspects of it. She also made it clear that she personally believed in it/had her personal conviction in Islam and that it wasn’t just something she pretended to follow along for the sake of pleasing her parents, which some Muslims, unfortunately, end up doing, particularly in this generation with exposure to “modernism”, which I still respect because that’s their personal journey and only Allah can judge and they as well as anyone else might end up coming back to Islam ultimately. Also, that can show that they weren’t really taught enough about the beauty of the true religion and not conservative/traditionalist propaganda of Islam, which is not just spread to nonMuslims through Islamophobic media but also spread to poorly Islamically educated Muslims ourselves, to have strong enough convictions for it, but again, their personal journey and I still respect them because true Islam teaches that you respect anyone even nonMuslims and that you always leave the door open and just try to educate and be a good example. Marjan seems to follow that same mindset as well because she is shown to be very accepting of others and their beliefs even when they don’t match hers, she just respects them and makes her boundaries clear. And to tie that back to the main point - that’s exactly what she did with Salim. Salim showed multiple signs of not truly adhering to Islamic values, first the alcohol drinking (which I also strongly admired the visible discomfort she had for that), the side relationship and then ultimately kissing her. She respected his personal decision to do those things, but she ended it when it became apparent that he expected her to do the same or at least tolerate it if she loved him. What I admired is that she put her foot down and said that if she not only couldn’t be in a commitment with someone who didn’t keep their commitments (which even plenty, if not most, of nonMuslims agree with) but also no longer had the same values or a tolerable amount of the same (Islamic) values she held. That along with other subtle signs of Marjan’s personal conviction to Islam are what make me still have at least some hope for the representation. Despite the terrible form of the arranged marriage they showed, they still showed that Marjan sticks to her beliefs and isn’t ashamed of them and is even willing to defend them, she doesn’t conform to just abandoning everything because she loved Salim, which is what the modernism ideology wants to promote. I also liked how they showed that it wasn’t an easy decision to make either - it was a clear choice for her, but it still hurt her and I like that they didn’t just shame her for that like certain modernist ideologies would’ve wanted to portray her situation (particularly because it would further Islamophobia, which let’s be honest is usually the goal for most nonMuslim media): either you abandon everything for love or you cut ties for things that you can’t agree with and feel nothing because your beliefs are strong. That ideology is so wrong and I’m glad the show portrayed that: it’s a struggle, and it hurts. I’m glad that they showed that struggle with a Muslim POC instead of just being like “Oh well her sticking to Islam makes the decision really easy and it wasn’t even a struggle because *shameful tone* religion means a lot to her, and they easily could’ve gotten away with that, but thankfully they at least did that for us. 

I also really liked that they showed a similar struggle with Carlos, but instead of Islam, it was more about the struggle of being lgbt+ and also the love for your family despite their intolerance. (Personal) I literally went through an almost identical scenario to Carlos - I (regrettably) came out (as biromantic asexual) to just my dad and even though I specifically told him not to he later told me that he outed me to my mom. My dad was supportive and said that God made me this way and that true Islam says it’s ok, and although right now I’m still kind of uncomfortable talking about it with him because some of his opinions or understandings are kind of problematic/misunderstandings/stereotypes (i mean he literally outed me to my mom and who knows who else when I told him not to), but my mom... he literally told me she thought it was haram (not Islamically allowed) and that was the last time I discussed anything lgbt+ with my dad and I never even mentioned it to my mom myself. But they’re my parents, I love them and all my relatives and Islam, they’re all so important to me, but I’m also not ashamed of being lgbt+ and it’s a part of who I am. I’m in the closet in real life other than my parents and my personal best friend who is also lgbt+, but I wish I didn’t have to be. I struggle with it every day, I don’t feel safe or secure enough to be out, those words TK chose specifically struck a chord with me. Not only do I physically feel unsafe about being out, I know that despite being supportive of lgbt+ historically before colonialism, the Islamic community, even my family, would not only not be supportive of me now, they’d also be one of the sources of my fear if I came out. I love Islam, I love the community and my family and I know they have their problems, some of which are really serious, but they still have a lot of amazing qualities and they have helped shaped who I am. (End personal)

You know what’s ironic about the message modernism sends out against lgbt+ POC and also Muslims (particularly POC Muslims)? They say that being lgbt+ is part of who you are and you shouldn’t be ashamed of it, yet they promote that you should abandon your ideology, culture and family if they don’t support you, even though those can also be important parts of who you are. I know some people are forced/coerced to make a choice between at least some of those things because of safety and intolerance, and I respect that and my heart is out to all those who have been forced to do so, I easily could’ve been one of them. I know that they struggled with this stuff too, I know they likely still struggle with it. Modernism can’t make that struggle go away, as much as it tries to hide it under an easy choice. Our ideologies, our cultures and our families aren’t personal hobbies that you can toss out at any point because they have problems, modernism can’t and shouldn’t always try to “fix” them, they might have problems but a lot of times modernism tries to “fix” them without context and only out of disrespectful ignorance and prejudice, it’s not empowerment. Our ideologies, our cultures and our families have value not only in general but also to us personally, and just saying that they should be easy sacrifices is disrespectful. Both sides usually make it seem as though we can easily choose only one and can only choose one, but they’re usually both important to us. Neither of them are easy to give up, they’re a part of us, we don’t want to choose between them and we struggle with that every day. 

On a more personal note to you, sister, I understand your fear of publicly wearing the hijab, it’s like the fear I have of being out. I’m so sorry you don’t feel safe enough to show your Muslim pride through your hijab as well. Allah (swt) knows you still love Islam and are not ashamed and are considering your safety, he will always take that into account. I support you and if you ever want to talk more about it, feel free! I know it sucks to have your family not really fully support your lgbt+ identity and all the aspects of it including your fiancee, who I hope makes you as happy as you deserve and respects you and all who you are. You are valid and I hope the struggle gets easier for us and things improve in the future inshAllah. Feel free to reach out any time, and let me know what you think! 

[strawberry-metal]

Ok ok, I’ll do one more unmasking and let you guys see the apology segments because honestly? I think her owning up and apologizing is just as important as her exploding like that.

Once again, all parts are from an au rp with @kazekothestrange​ Also to answer your question, anon. Kazeko is one of @kazekothestrange‘s ocs. She’s a hamon user and is the medic of the group, she is also Avdol’s love interest. All those big ass bloody wounds everyone gets in like every episode but somehow recover from the very next? That’s from Kazeko using her hamon to heal their wounds. Joseph can’t use his own hamon like that because he’s... too damn old. XD

Note though that Shanna is... kind of bad at apologizing but shes trying. This post also contains more references to how Shanna used to act prior to meeting Jotaro! Also contains some Tsundere Shanna, heh.

Also no, Jotaro hasn’t confessed yet, but their feelings are painfully obvious lol. They’re both mostly aware the other has feelings for the other, but they’re still scared to confess, mostly because danger keeps finding them.

------------------------------

Apologizing to the SDC:

------------------------------

Shanna: For fuck's sake. I'm still mad at him but I couldn't help but worry more than be mad so I had to come back. The moron is making everyone worry again....*she jumps down* LISTEN UP! I'M ONLY GOING TO SAY THIS ONCE SO-!

Rose: Isn't there something else you should say first!?

Shanna: Oh my gooooooosh this is why I didn't want to come back, I didn't want to deal with you or you! *she gestures to Rose and Joseph* ...I'm not gonna apologize for feeling betrayed or getting mad at Rose, got it!? ....I will however apologize for my...*she folds her arms across her chest and looks away, as if this is hard for her to do* For picking fights and showing attitude. There was a big misunderstanding and I took it out on you guys. I'm mad about something else now but that doesn't concern you guys so....uh.....sorry....

Holly: *its not the best apology but shes trying, so she appreciates it* ...But you mostly came back for Jotaro, hm? ^^

Shanna: Tch. I know him well enough to know that he shuts himself off from everyone when he gets upset, and I KNOW hes upset. *she sighs* Honestly.

Rose: *she opens her mouth to say shes no better but quickly stops, knowing it'll just make Shanna more angry at her*

Joseph: *he gives Rose a pat on the back, and steps towards Shanna* I know how hard it can be to apologize. Especially when you feel like you were wronged. So thanks for that. *he smiles warmly at her* .. Sorry for almost accepting your challenge.

Shanna: ....*she closes her eyes and grins* I would of won anyway old timer! Heh!

Joseph: ... *he snorts, and grins right back* Ha! Don't you bet on it.

Kazeko: *she softly smiles from the background. At the very least, she doesn't seem angry with Joseph anymore. That's good*

Shanna: *she steps back and points at the crowd* Now listen up everyone! I'll only say this once! I am Shanna Le Brillante! I'm from a noble family and WILL be the next head, so treat me with respect! Last year I was a street fighter!

Rose: Don't tell them that!

Shanna: Now I want to become a rockstar, I guarantee you won't find someone who can shred a Warlock better than I can! I've known Jotaro for a couple months now and I will not share him! Nice to meet you!

Holly: *she supportingly claps her hands, not bothered at all but the street fighter bit*

Rose: *sighs*

Joseph: *he raises an eyebrow, an amused smirk crossing his lips* A street fighter? Looks like we have a lot to talk about! ... heh, anyway, good to meet you too, kid. I'm Joseph Joestar. *he holds out his hand* And you'd better not underestimate this old codger!

Shanna: *she raises an eyebrow. This old man....maybe hes not so bad after all* As long as YOU don't underestimate me for being young! *she accepts the handshake and returns it with a strong grip*

Joseph: Never! *with a twinkle in his eyes, he grips her hand a little harder. the hand he held out was his prosthetic*

Shanna: *she winces a bit, and there’s an impressed look on her face. Looks like his greeting has earned her approval*

Kakyoin: *he can feel the tension in the room starting to vanish. he feels some weight come off his shoulders as he watches the jovial greetings*

Shanna: *letting go of his hand, she approaches the small brunette, tilting her head up for a bit in questioning, before looking back down at her* Dunno your name, but sorry for glaring at you so much earlier. Again, it was a misunderstanding and to be honest, you in particular....made me feel jealous. I hope we can start over. I know I can be a little scary. Heh.

Kazeko: *she shakes her head, smiling gently* It's alright... I was a little overwhelmed. But I'm ok now. ... to be honest, I was worried that I'd ruined things before we'd had a chance to even talk... ... but, jealous?

Shanna: Um, I... *she turns around, her back facing her, re-folding her arms across her chest and tilting her head up, cheeks pink* It's not important! It's not like other girls being close to Jotaro makes me jealous or anything!

Rose: Ara.

Shanna: Shut up Rose.

Kazeko: Oh...? *she blinks, and her smile widens* Eheh... you have nothing to worry about. I've known Jotaro a long time. The last time I saw him, he was only this big. *she holds her hand a little lower than her waist*

Shanna: Oh. I see, so it's family relations! Naruhodo....*she lowers her hands* An-Anyway. Just call me Shanna. Nice to meet you.

Kazeko: It's nice to meet you, Shanna. I'm Kazeko. *she closes her eyes in a smile* I hope we can be friends now.

Shanna: Ah, yeah. I hope so too, let's start over, yeah? *she kneels next to Kakyoin* And you....Kak-yo-ween?  Don't worry about the...fight. I hope your head feels ok. *she reaches a hand out and ruffles his hair* What was that again? A stand? Jotaro, Rose and I have one too so...let's be friends!

Rose: !! /She...included me...?/

Kakyoin: *he leans away when she starts ruffling his hair, a little annoyed by the way she says his name, but his eyes brighten nonetheless* Ah... really...?

Shanna: Sure! I mean, why not? Yesterday's enemies are today's friends! Uh....wait that doesn't quite work in this context. Um...my point still stands!

Rose: ...Shanna, his name is pronounced Kakyoin.

Shanna: Oh crap uh, sorry- *she rubs the back of her head sheepishly* We've been in Japan for about two years now I think. I'm afraid my Japanese still isn't very good. Hope I don't offend-

Holly: She once called Jotaro, “Jotato”~

Joseph: Snnnrkkk... PFFFTTT-!! JOTATO!

Kazeko: Pffu-!!

Kakyoin: .... snrrrrr.... !!! A-Anyway...! It's alright... um... thank you. Maybe... we can be friends. *in spite of his lukewarm reply, he looks happy. deeply happy*

Shanna: *she looks embarrassed now that everyone knows about 'Jotato'* Mm, ok. Think on it! I'm sure we have many more things in common! *she stands back up* HOWEVER! For now, I have a broody friend I gotta drag out of his room!

Rose: How do you know hes in his room...?

Shanna: *she places her hands on her hips* I can read Jotaro perfectly. I mean hes soooo obvious you know?

Rose: He....he is? o_o

Joseph: *he smiles. his recently grouchy, closed off grandson... he was lucky to find someone like this*

Kazeko: Don't let us keep you, then. We'll be waiting... and I'll reheat the tea. ^^

Shanna: Thank you, I look forward to the tea. *with that, she leaves the room rather quickly, knowing exactly where to find him*

------------------------------

Apologizing to Jotaro:

------------------------------

Jotaro: *staring blankly at the ceiling as he lays on his futon, the raven haired male sighs. maybe he could have done something differently and avoided this whole thing... what kind of a friend was he if he made her think what she did?*

Shanna: *it doesn't take long for her to make it to his door, she knows this place like the back of her hand, since she comes over so often. Resisting her urge to just barge in, she knocks on the screen door first* ....

Jotaro: ... *he looks at the door out of the corner of his eye. it's probably his mom, or so he thinks* ... What?

Shanna: *she slides the door open* The hell you mean 'what'?

Jotaro: *hearing her voice, he sits up in surprise* ... Shanna...

Shanna: Yes I know, I'm surprised I'm back too. *she steps back in, sliding the door closed behind her* Look. I'm still mad. It's irritating but even when I'm mad at you, my worry for you outweighs it, and as I thought, you closed yourself off from everyone.

Jotaro: ... you know me. *he averts his eyes* ... I didn't feel like being around the others.

Shanna: Yeah I didn't either. Look, I uh. I really do hate myself, you know that, but at the same time, I got this annoying ass pride going for me, probably because I got a noble family tied to me. But uh....*she sticks her hands in her skirt pockets and looks off to the side* L-Look. I'll just get to the point. I'm sorry I got so mad at you, and that I still am. It's just...*she sighs heavily* It felt like I didn't mean anything to you, and that you didn't trust me. I mean it when I say that you mean alot to me, ok? So even when I found out the truth, it still hurt, alot. Because while you stayed put when I ended up crying over you, some guy pissin' you off made you come out.

Jotaro: ... *he listens quietly, his eyes on her the whole time she talks. he knows where she's coming from, really he does. and when she finishes, there's a short silence before he answers her* ... I'm sorry. ... seeing you cry hurt. ... but even if you pissed me off, I wouldn't have come out for you. Because when you're involved, I can't... I can't take any chances I might hurt you. ... I didn't want to hurt anyone, but especially you.

Shanna: *she opens her mouth to speak, but instead closes it to think over her words* ...I...get that. You act tough but deep down you're soft. *She glances at him before averting her gaze again* ...I was jealous...alright? I was jealous because a couple of old people and their friend could get you to leave and I couldn't. It made me feel powerless, untrustworthy and... it's stupid but it made me question how you feel about me, and I took it out on them, especially your grandfather and Ka-Ka...Kaaaa.....uh- that lady. ...I was a bit overdramatic earlier about how I'd rather die than be around my sister and your grandfather again, and I'm sorry for that too. I tend to just blurt out words when I'm over emotional instead of actually thinking them over. I already apologized to your family. I'll get out of your hair now. You should... get out of your room, everyone is worried about you. *she reaches for the door and slides it open*

Jotaro: .... Wait. ... Please.

Shanna: *she takes a deep breath and slowly exhales, silently telling herself not to push him away and actually hear him out this time. Turning back around to face him* Mm?

Jotaro: ... I should have come out when you were there. I should've known Star would never hurt you... but you should have seen him. It was like someone let a demon out of hell. ... I wasn't thinking right. ... *he goes silent for a few moments, thinking over what he should say* ... I don't blame you for feeling betrayed and pissed. ... and I still wouldn't blame you if you went home. ... but... I'd be happy if you stayed.

Shanna: Gosh, you always make everything so damn complicated. *she blows at her bangs* I don't understand why you'd still want me around, especially after having an argument like we did... though then again, there's alot I still don't understand about you. ....I hope I can figure it all out, someday. Just when I think you're easy to read, you confuse me again. ....Heh. *she closes the door again, staying*

Jotaro: ... *he smiles, just ever so slightly* ... you figured out this much in a few months. ... You'll probably have it all in a year.

Shanna: Yare yare, what a pain. *she steals his phrase, kneeling down on the floor beside him, reaching a hand out to flick his forehead* Baaaaka.

Jotaro: *he opens his mouth to say 'oi, but then she flicks his forehead* Fuck.

Shanna: Fuck you too. *she closes her eyes and grins*

Jotaro: You know that's not what I meant. *he smiles back and pulls her into a hug*

Shanna: *she opens her eyes, blush creeping across her cheeks as she slowly reaches her hands up to hug him back* ....m' sorry for making you cry, too.

Jotaro: ... 'ts fine... *he mumbles* Long as you don't tell anyone.

Shanna: Nah. I embarrassed you enough today in front of everyone.

Jotaro: Oi, don't say that. *his grip around her tightens* ... they'll forget about this by tomorrow. ... well, I don't know Kakyoin. But everyone else will.

Shanna: ...Mm. *she buries her face into his shoulder, it feels like it's been too long since shes been held like this again*

Jotaro: ... *he gently rubs her back, shifting his position to make it comfier for them* ... I missed you. I know it was just a couple days but I missed you, damn it...

Shanna: Yeah, I missed you too...we would see eachother every day so missing eachother for that long felt wrong...

Jotaro: *he nods against her, nuzzling his face into her hair*

Shanna: ....Myu..*she leans forward till they both flop to the floor, moving her head to keep her cheek rested to his shoulder, still blushing. A bit of their everyday lives is starting to return*

Jotaro: ... *he can't help but smile. that 'right' feeling of having her small frame laid on top of him is finally back*

Shanna: *she curls up ever so slightly* ...I'm still not gonna share ya.

Jotaro: Me neither. *he retorts, giving her a squeeze*

Shanna: Pff-! There’s no one to share me with anyway, baaaaka~ *finally, she gives him a nuzzle, like she always used to*

Jotaro: *at this, he smiles, warmly and genuinely as only she can get him to* That's cause I won't let any other guy try anything.

Shanna: Fufu....ufufufu! Then our feelings are mutual~ /Ah. With that in mind, maybe I should be careful how I interact with the new guy, Jo might get jealous-/

------------------------------

Apologizing to Avdol, who has no idea what the fucking shit happened but he appreciates it anyway:

------------------------------

Avdol: I thought I heard alot of laughter back here. *a smile makes its way to his face* It looks like everyone is friends now?

Rose: Hai. Sorry for my sister's trouble earlier.

Shanna: Oi, I can apologize for myself.

Avdol: *he shakes his head* Don't worry about it. You have room for one more?

Holly: Of course! Avdol-san, was it? Please, join us!

Kazeko: I saved a spot for you, Mr. Avdol. *she scoots a little further to the side to make more room*

Joseph: Come join the 'party', Avdol~

Jotaro: *wrapping an arm around Shanna's shoulders, he exhales softly. he thought this would be annoying, but... it's not so bad*

Avdol: Thank you! Don't mind if I do, then! *he takes a seat next to Kazeko, giving her an appreciative smile before grabbing a cup* Did you make this, Ms Kazeko? Mm. It smells great~

Kazeko: I did, thank you...~

Shanna: So uh....Avdor?

Avdol: HAH! No, no. Avdol.

Shanna: Ah. Ok...um...Avdol then. Nice to meet you. I'm sorry we uh...got off to a rough start.

Avdol: *he shakes his head* It's fine, you apologized, and that's enough for me. My full name is Mohammed Avdol, I'm a fortune teller from Egypt. Nice to meet you.

Shanna: *Ahem* Yeah? Well listen up, I'll only say this once-!

Rose: Don't repeat all of that again to try and sound cool.

Shanna: *she huffs in irritation* ....I'm Shanna Le Brillante, you can just call me Shanna. Last year I was a street fighter, but now my dream is to become a rockstar! AlsoI'mnextinlineastheheadofmyfamily.

Rose: Pff....~

Avdol: Ah...then Miss Shanna it is~

Shanna: ....J-Just Shanna is fine. /////

Kakyoin: *he finds himself smiling more to himself. This is.. nice. It's unusual, but he doesn't feel as uncomfortable as he did before*

Joseph: Hahah! Get used to it, formalities are a habit for him! *he grins, giving his friend a pat on the back* I finally gave up on getting him to call me by first name.

Shanna: Heh! I hope you don't mind me being informal Avdol, I don't mean to be rude, it's just that, well... how do I explain this without getting flustered....

Avdol: *he chuckles* Don't worry about it. Avdol is fine. Miss Kazeko, thank you for the tea. It's green, right? *he takes a sip, enjoying the taste*

------------------------------

Apologizing to Rose after finding out about Dio and shit:

------------------------------

Shanna: ....*she holds her tongue on them being in danger for months now*

Jotaro: *he pulls her close to his side*

Kazeko: It must be hard to hear... your life's been fairly normal up until now.

Holly: *she nods* But...hopefully...these four can be safe now. Papa, Avdol-san, Kazeko-chan...please be careful?

Shanna: *she leans against Jotaro, feeling a little better from his comfort*

Rose: ...Kakyoin-san, your face has been quite red for awhile now. Are you ok?

Kazeko: Of course Holly. Mr. Avdol and I are here to make sure your papa stays safe. *she smiles at her softly, placing her hand on hers* You can trust us.

Joseph: Oi, Kaz, don't talk about me like I'm still 19! *he looks miffed* I don't run in recklessly half as much as I used to!

Kakyoin: Uhm- ah! *he blinks, his eyes darting away and to her a couple of times* I-I... I'm alright, really. ... /I-it's that obvious...? I hope I haven't caught a fever.../

Jotaro: ... *after making sure everyone is distracted first, he leans down and kisses the top of her head*

Shanna: ...*she smiles a bit...how long has it been since hes given her kiss since he got stuck in jail?*

Rose: *she raises a hand and places it to his forehead* You're burning up, I'll get another cloth for you so you hopefully don't catch a fever.

Holly: *she chuckles softly* F-For now, let's focus on enjoying the present.

Avdol: Yes, a life was saved today, it is a most joyous occasion!

Joseph: That's right! *he grins, hoping to pull the mood back up* Kakyoin, call your parents and tell them you're spending the night at a friend's house. I think we could all use it!

Kakyoin: Th-thank you... *he lowers his eyes, he definitely felt hotter when she touched him*

Jotaro: *he risks giving her one more kiss, then squeezes her to his side* /More later./

Kazeko: It's been a long afternoon... it's almost 5. *she gets up* Holly, Mr. Avdol, do you want to help me make something for dinner?

Shanna: *she blushes from the second kiss* /Y-Yes, please.../ Kakyoin! *she raises up her hand in a peace sign* Tell them you made three new friends at school today! One guy, and two beauuuutiful girls~!

Jotaro: /Good, cause I want to give you a lot./

Rose: *she blushes* Sh-Shanna!

Shanna: It's true!

Holy: *she claps her hands together* Yes, let's cook a wonderful meal together!

Avdol: I'd be happy to help out~

Kakyoin: A-aha... I-I will... *he only blushes harder, smiling as he gets up* ... they'll be happy to hear that I made friends on my first day...

Kazeko: Great, thank you both very much~

Joseph: when you're done, Kakyoin, I need to call the Foundation with this new lead. But there's no hurry, alright?

Kakyoin: H-hai.

Shanna: Well, with that, Rose, how about we spend the night too? It'll be like a sleepover!

Rose: Aren't you mad at me though? What you said earlier...

Shanna: ...Please forget what I said. *she lowers her head* That was....ridiculous of me. I shouldn't of said what I did. I was being a brat and you called me out on it, and I responded by being an asshole. I'm sorry. The truth is I am still a little upset, but I’d like to move on.

Rose: *her eyebrows upturn* ....Apology accepted.

Avdol: *he smiles at the sisters seeming to recouncil about something, and he leaves the room with Holly and Kazeko to help prepare food for everyone*

Kazeko: *she stays behind for a second, relief flooding her features. thank goodness...* Girls? Kakyoin? Is there anything you don't like in food I should keep in mind?

Kakyoin: *he jumps slightly at being called as he's leaving the room* M-me? Ah... no, I'm not terribly picky. But thank you.

Shanna: No tomatoes, please!

Rose: No onions for me, and if spice is involved, please make my portion mild.

[sheusedtobesassier]

Day 10,158

Mm, it’s the final evening of the year and I think this may turn out to be a particularly sad one. New Year’s Eve is my favorite holiday, you know? Well maybe you don’t know actually. I cannot help but love the mix of being wildly sentimental and anxious/hopeful, feeling extra aware of the year that has gone and the anticipation of what could happen in the one beginning. Glitter and tiny dresses and sparkling grape juice and a big countdown chant and Midnight Kisses and feeling included in something huge almost the whole world is celebrating. Mm and it’s really such a soft celebration with no required fuss. You just gather with anybody you want to gather with and together enjoy the annual grand finale of the years passing by. It’s meaningful and meaningless, lol. A simple and sweet thing that can also be very sparkly. We do it over and over and over and over our whole lives long. Young and old. Mm. How could I resist?

Tonight’s will be sad but that’s okay. That’s another reason I’m fond of this one. It doesn’t deny sadness. It doesn’t expect or demand the way other holidays on the calendar do. It leaves room for being lonely and solemn, for regrets and grief. Mm and tonight I will get very comfortable in that space. I will wallow a little, not too deep, but far enough in that I can write honestly, get some of it out of me so it can be read in nice straight lines, in a way that’ll feel less chaotic, less tangled up. I decided I would let me do it tonight for two reasons. First, because of the magical way NYE makes me feel which I’ve already described to you. Second, because this morning I woke up from a painfully vivid dream that was so convincing it somehow dislodged whatever has been preventing me from being able to articulate these things. I let dreams get to me, maybe more than other people do and this one did the trick. I’ll tell you about it and I’ll tell you about two other ones that might help you understand even better.

There was a pile of us. Maybe eight or ten people sprawled all around on a white couch. The room we were in was white on white on white and one of the walls was just giant windows, like as if we were in a skyscraper. Everybody was wearing jewel tones and color blocking. There wasn’t anybody specific there, but there was the sense they were our friends and we were all getting snug for the sake of a group photo that was going to be taken. Cuddling in and little laughing at one another, you know what it’s like. Omar was further away than I thought he should be so I kind of tugged him in closer when I realized he was miserable crying. Like red eyes, in tears but clearly had been trying to keep it low key. I asked what was wrong and he didn’t want to say. Others noticed and it got quiet. Mm, I can’t quite remember this part but like, I started to get upset and said that we could go if he wanted to go. Ally was suddenly there and was saying she could give us a ride and buy him a ticket? I was angry and Omar was quietly resisting saying, “It’s fine. Let’s stay. You’re gonna be mad.” or something along those lines. I growl snapped back loud enough for everyone to hear. “No, I’ll be fine, because I actually have some control over how I feel!” I was so furious though. I do not remember anything past that.

Towards the beginning of the summer Omar came to camp, he was serving breakfast and I came through the line. He stopped me before I walked out and told me he’d had a nightmare about me the night before. We weren’t really buddies yet, so the comment caught me off guard, his admission in this public space that he dreamed about me. A very sudden intimacy. He said that in the dream I’d been extremely angry and refused to talk to him, how he kept begging me to tell him what was wrong or what he had done and I wouldn’t even look at him. While he told me he seemed so earnest, like it had really bothered him. I laughed and started walking away. I think I tried to say something charming about wondering what he could have possibly done. He stood there shaking his head and shrugging his shoulders, looking concerned.

One of the first times Omar went home after we knew we were into each other, I had one of the wildest/most specific dreams ever. It began with just me standing in the foyer of the Platteville church. I knew I was at a wedding. As I walked into the empty sanctuary I realized it was my own wedding. I promptly started to panic and, in the dream, had this feeling of like, “Wait? How did this happen so quickly? I don’t remember planning this or even deciding to do this? How do I stop this?” I went through a doorway which in real life leads into a very short hallway, but instead it was a large room full of all the women on both sides of our families. My mom and my aunts and a whole heck of a lot of Hispanic women I do not know. I got this sense that all these women had put the wedding together, not me, and that I needed to clear things up now because otherwise I was going to be stuck with a wedding I had nothing to do with. So I started explaining and trying to convince them I didn’t want it to be like that. Saying I was so grateful but this was not at all what I had imagined. I honestly do not remember the speech but do remember feeling like it wasn’t clicking. They were misunderstanding. I felt like I was freaking these people out AND like I was possibly still going to get bulldozed into this anyways. The women (both the white ladies and the Mexican ladies) were all yelling at each other, not ugly fighting, really just trying to organize a wedding. So I went over to a corner where (hahaha this is just accurate okay) Mama Coco was silently sitting in her wheelchair. Like, the animated great grandmother from Coco, more realistic looking but still very much that sweet old lady. I sat down in her lap and watched the discussion carry on without me, feeling like a child. Sat there tracing and picking at the beaded details on my wedding gown’s skirt while the women shouted. I looked up and discovered that from where we were sitting, I could see out onto the stage of the church. Omar and the pastor (I don’t know who the pastor was) were standing there in their suits chatting, looked like they were kidding around and having a nice time. I remember feeling just the BIGGEST sense of relief and thinking, “Omar won’t care that I don’t want to marry him today. Everybody else is gonna be upset at me, but he’s gonna be so nice to me about it.”

Three dreams that would be doozies for almost anybody but wham bam, y’all, lol, for a girl like me these seem an awful lot like prophecies. Oof. Can you see it in there? All the significance? Holy shmoly. It hits and then you get back up and then it hits again. Yikes.

Look. I want things from Omar that he could give me, but when he had to make that decision he chose not to. What I want does not seem like too much to me, but it is more than he is willing to give me. That which he did give me (he is still giving some) he gave soooo sincerely. He gives in the most honest way, which turns out is the only way I can receive anything. And so I’m soooo thankful for what he’s given, but it is not enough. He tried and he still tries and I am heavy with gratitude for the effort he made because I know it wasn’t easy, But It Is Not Enough. I wish it was, but deep down I know it isn’t.

I can remember a night we filled up my whole apartment with an explosion of tension that had gone unspoken. I lost my temper and began angrily expressing how painful it was to feel such deep uncertainty about us staying together. He calmly refuted parts of my attack, but I think was pretty disturbed by my escalating rage. He wasn’t leaving no matter how harsh I got. At one point I coldly told him there was no reason for him to stay and he stayed anyways. After what felt like hours, we were sitting far across the room from each other and I was staring at him waiting for him to finally fucking say something useful. I was so furious and he was so silent. I had stubbornly backed into my corner and decided I wasn’t going to come out of it until he gave me a reason to. He looked helpless. Staring at the floor. Every once in a while he would seem like he had something to say but then nothing would come out. I don’t know how long it took, but my heart softened. I realized I’d been cruel and took notice of how resilient he was being, so I crossed the room to be gentle with him, hoping that it would help him speak. He started crying which I could not have anticipated. I rubbed his back and kept prompting him, softly asking “What?” and “Tell me.” Finally, he choked something like this out. “I’m trying. I’m trying to sit here right now and just choose to be here and give you what you want. I’m trying to make the decision, to tell you I can give you what you’re asking for. But I can’t do it. I can’t make me do it. I’m sorry.” He said it so strained, so in pain. I tried to be comforting and made a few small speeches about how I never wanted him to force himself and I didn’t expect him to make the final decision that night and how even if he wanted to he probably couldn’t because life is so different than what we decide it should be. I apologized for the horrible things I’d said earlier. We both became more rational and began to have a reasonable discussion. We calmed each other down. We snuggled in. The anger and confusion passed so we could get so so close again.***

He tried so damn hard to be my someone. He was my someone for as long as he could be, before the whole rest of it became too unbearable for him. During the last real conversation we had about what him leaving would look like, he told me, “We’ve said all along that if you are the only reason I’m here then I shouldn’t be here.” And he’s right. We did say that. Fuck, I’m the one that said that first. I should have told him that no longer applied though. I should have stopped him and said, “Yeah but that was before we were in love. It’s all different now that we’re in love.” I didn’t say that though. I don’t think I said anything because I think he was still talking and it’s rude to interrupt. I didn’t think about how it’s all different until way later, until after he had already left. If I’d thought about it sooner than that, maybe we could have had another conversation, a better Last Real Conversation with an alternate ending, a better ending. But. I didn’t think about it sooner. We can’t really have a conversation about what him leaving would look like when he’s already left.

One of the most startling parts of breaking up has been being unable to escape the INCREDIBLY PERVASIVE MESSAGE that like, hm, how to put it, the message that IF YOU LOVE SOMEBODY NOTHING ELSE MATTERS. Lol. Yeah that’s how to put it. That if you love somebody and they love you too than that it is the Purest, the Goodest, the Highest Endeavor in the known universe (hell in the unknown universe too). That love is STRONG AS FUCK and will make it through EVERY BAD THING. You cannot get rid of love even if you try. Love never ever gives up, no way, it won’t do it, just lasts and lasts. Oh and the relentless warning that if you give up on love then that is the Biggest Mistake Of Your Life. Like. Whew. Y’all. Look. Frankly, the widespread love gospel is working on me. I am not giving into my fearfulness that tells me to protect myself from him now that we’ve broken up. I do believe I should still keep my heart open to Omar and I do not fight the frequent urges to hold onto what’s left of us. I softly reach out. I don’t let the fire flicker out. (Wow. Damn. Getting campfires going together was kind of one of our things actually.) But if it turns out I’m being told a big fancy romantic lie that prevents me from participating in some reasonable big girl independent healing process that I should be seeking out, THAT’S PRETTY BOGUS OF Y’ALL. If I sort out that I need to fall out of love, will I be able to do so without being consumed by the worry that I’m turning off all the lights in my heart and might not ever be able to turn them back on again?

I need to talk to more people who loved somebody who loved them too and they didn’t pick each other forever and it didn’t ruin their lives. Because. I mean I’m not talking to anybody who’s life was actually ruined because of something like that. No, I’m talking to deeply married people who seem to believe that if they hadn’t married each other it would have ruined their lives. (Now I say this with a heart full of appreciation for the married people who have been attempting to take care of me by using the context of their love stories to provide advice regarding mine. Bunch of sweet baby angels. Thankful.) The overwhelming narrative, at least within my realm, is that I have lost something I should try to get back. That’s what it seems like to me at least. I’ll confess, maybe that’s what my own heart is drawn to so I’m perceiving it more than it’s actually out there. Maybe.

Either way though, the current strongest pulls I feel are to continue to amuse him and to secretly long for us to get back together. There are of course other pulls, to pour myself entirely into ministry, to push him away a little and see if he will fight for me, to cut him out completely and focus on healing, to flirt with the creeps on Tinder and Bumble, to tell my friends either the most hopeful version or the weepy saddest version or angry accusation version of how the last two years went, to disappear into my bed as frequently as possible and not let any part of anything touch me, to write him paragraphs every morning admitting everything, to squash the whole thing, to completely succumb to the horrible ways heartbreak feels and allow the loss to fuck up my life completely. And those are just what’s pulling at me tonight, lol. There are dozens of pulls to this. Hundreds. So many that it rips me up and won’t let me listen to music because none of it means anything to me and won’t let me eat or sleep (seriously, my appetite has dried up and this has pulverized my god given talent for being asleep) and has me googling words like “anesthetize” so I can accurately describe that which I currently crave. Yeah it’s fucked with my vocabulary.

Mm, today though. Today I couldn’t help but notice how much easier it is for me to be kind. I think I lost that with Omar for a while. Inadvertently. He’s so cool and so particular. I think I mimicked that some, toned down my enthusiasm or maybe more so I directed it mostly towards him. I think every kitchen shift was for flirting with him, whispering around corners and knocking into each other. Every afternoon break was for kissing or taking a nap together which of course turned into kissing. I’ve been a starry eyed girl for years, but I think I let him become the whole moon and forgot about the stars in everybody else’s eyes too. I can see them again and they can see mine. It’s nice to look at the stars again. Beautiful sight.

I miss how the sky mattered to him. The colors or the way the light would pass through trees. Oh it would thrill him. He’d call me up and tell me to come see. We’d both shriek on sunset drives. Cheering the spectacle on. Mm, we were the same in that. It mattered to him like it matters to me. We were suckers for the ways we reminded each other of ourselves. Reflection. It wasn’t even imitation. We were both so true, dammit. We had carefully cultivated who we were and what we cared about. I think we recognized that in each other. Mm. God, I love him and I miss him in a hungry way.

I wish I had been a good enough reason to stay, even if I was the only reason and it was stupid and it ended up being a huge mistake. I wish I had been. I was good enough until I wasn’t.

God, I miss him.

“Are you being fearful or loving?”

***Last minute addition. Thinking about how some might read that part and think, “Wait so why didn’t you just break up then? He couldn’t give you what you wanted.” I get how that could be your takeaway. It wasn’t mine. Nah. From then on, I felt like Omar truly wanted to give me what I wanted, but that he wasn’t going to do that until he was sure that it was the right thing. So. That’s the sincerity I mentioned. I love that Omar really really means the things he says and the things he does. He’s not interested in faking anything. I knew that I was waiting around for him to decide to be with me and stay OR to break up with me and go. And I was okay with that waiting, okay with either outcome, because I believed whatever he decided he’d do with resolution. His head AND his heart would be involved, two things I trusted more than almost anything. I didn’t trust them to automatically choose me. I trusted that they would get him to do what he thoroughly believed was right. Mm. So. That’s what hurts. That his head AND his heart told him the right thing was something other than the two of us together. (My own head and heart told me otherwise and I trust them a heck of a lot too, so the three of us are having a tough time.)

[lululawrence]

lululawrence’s May 2018 Fic List

Click here for previous months’ fic lists

And we’re back for another month of reading! I didn’t do a lot of writing this month, but I read a LOT so this list is long! So buckle up, and let’s look back on the amazing fics I read this month! (There’s a lot of Tomlinshaw, but I promise there’s Larry too! Keep reading and don’t give up on me pls hehe)

but tonight (you’re on my mind) by @allwaswell16 / allwaswell16 There’s a lot of Tomlinshaw on this list this month because I was wanting some awesome banter and high angst due to lack of communication and who does that better than Tomlinshaw? ANYWAY, this fic was almost too much for me hahahaha! Anitra has a way of writing that makes you feel every bit of pain and the anticipation building up to where I knew it was going was killing me, but DAMN was the resolution of it all amazing! If Tomlinshaw is your thing, defo give this one a try.

Know You Know You Got It Bad by @taggiecb / taggiecb This one had me cackling but also horrified at the amount of WOW THAT TOTALLY CAME OUT WRONG and misunderstandings, and that is exactly what made this such a fantastic ride. Another fab Tomlinshaw to read, should that be your thing!

Do You Smile To Tempt A Lover by @allwaswell16 / allwaswell16 A MUSEUM AU WHERE NICK PAYS HOMAGE TO PAINTINGS OF MAGGIE SMITH AND JUDI DENCH AFTER OGGLING LOUIS? Yes please. Featuring matchmaker Zayn. AND Louis secretly writes erotica during his lunch breaks? This fic is sooooo fun. A defo Tomlinshaw read.

A Royal Wedding by @reminiscingintherain / reminiscingintherain This short ditty is SO CUTE!!! A short and sweet Larry meet-cute surrounding the royal wedding. It is the best little fic snack to leave you feeling good!

We Used To Wait by @magicalrocketships / sunsetmog I read this as I was on my period and started it around 1 am. Both of these life decisions I do not recommend, because I ended up just shoving a tissue between my face and my pillow so I could keep reading without creating a puddle on my pillow as Nick freaked out in the hospital over Louis possibly not surviving. All the same, the fact I kept reading despite all of this should be one of the highest recommendations. This fic destroyed me and put me back together again in all of the best ways. A Tomlinshaw must read.

Somebody Hurt You (I Know A Place) by @writsgrimmyblog / writcraft I...well looking back on this I thought this fic was a lot shorter than it actually is because I devoured it so fast and it reads so well I had no idea it was 20k. ha! So, that being said: Tomlinshaw featuring amnesia. There’s a few of these coming because I NEEDED IT sorry not sorry. The structure of the fic was beautiful too!

loose lips sink ship all the damn time (not this time) by @mediawhorefics / MediaWhore THIS FIC OMGOSHHHHHHHH I loved it. Gosh I loved it. Secret relationship AGAIN, forced outing, exes to lovers, ALL THE EMOTIONS! The way Nick was written too just had me in LOVE. Sigh. Another fab Tomlinshaw with some incredible structuring that allows you to watch the relationship begin and fall apart all while seeing them come back together again. (I promise, there’s more Larry coming, please don’t give up on me lol)

The Disgruntled Novelist's Bodacious Pornographer (or, that time Nick and Louis were rival romance writers) by aliferuined This fic had me laughing so hard on my porch while my son played with bubbles he actually climbed on my lap to see if I was watching a funny video. I was crying and wheezing. This was just... the most hilarious. Tomlinshaw, again hehe

wait for me to come home by carissima TOMLINSHAW TIME TRAVEL!!! And it’s done in such a beautiful way! It completely satisfies all desires for knowing what happens where and I just LOVE it! 

Once every day your life starts again by blackmustache This fic also features Tomlinshaw amnesia (see a theme for me? lol) and soccer aid and secret relationships and Jay helping them find each other again, which is lovely!

Nobody compares to you by @headband-husbands / fallenflowercrowns (meggiewrites) Larry returns! haha It’s all Larry from here on out on the list, promise :) Tumblr AU! Canon Compliant! Best Friends to Lovers! What more could you want in a fic? I honestly don’t know, which obviously means I loved this one lolll

Seeing Blind by @sugarbabyomega / zedi BLIND ALPHA LOUIS, SAUCY OMEGA HARRY! Gosh this fic just. WOW. It flips between POVs and gives such a full and lovely feel for the entire thing. Involving surprise early heats! No Strings Attached hook ups that turn into Feelings! What could go wrong?? hehehe A new favorite A/B/O for me!

Stay Close, Hold Steady by @jaerie / jaerie THIS FIC FAM! It is one of my fic babies that I didn’t write. hahaha My random ramblings to Jenna as I drove in the car back in March might have helped form this amazing fic and I love it so much. “Brothers” A/B/O Larry fic involving finding your lost family, gender presentation, and so much more. Read while listening to The Tide. It’s a good choice. Promise.

Among Friends by @theficwritersblock / secretswekeepxx This fic, y’all. I’d never seen the film it was based on, so I was a bit wary going into it but IT WAS SO GOOD! SOOOO GOOOOOD!  Be prepared for the pain, the ridiculousness, stupid boys, and love conquering all. Duh.

And I Will Steady Your Hand by @icanhazzalou / kiwikero Another great A/B/O fic! Keri pulls out all the stops with late presentation support group amazingness and the changes and confusion/frustration that come with them, especially at a time of life where it feels like EVERYTHING is changing. It’s such a great fic. Defo read it.

All That You Are by @iamasphodelknox / asphodelknox Y’ALL. This fic. It’s historical fiction at it’s finest. WWII soldier OT5 and Shawn friendship and period typical homophobia and dreams and relying on each other and love and I keep talking and it’s just not enough. All the love for this fic. It is art and beauty and wow. Defo read it.

Getting Naked on Camera (NOT CLICKBAIT) by @velvetnoodle / velvetnoodle (goldfishsunglasses) This little thing had me giggling. A great, light little fic to help you smile on a hard day!

Bijou by @fullonlarrie / FullOnLarrie Lauren did such amazing things with this! Micropenises. Who knew? I didn’t until now, but I can’t wait for the other fics that will eventually be a part of this!

my favourite colour is you by @velvetnoodle / velvetnoodle (goldfishsunglasses) SO CUTE. MUCH CUTE. ALL THE CUTE. It’s so soft and lovely and a happy place to escape.

Slow Hands (Slow Days) by @londonfoginacup / LadyLondonderry This fic, y’all. Farmer Harry, Vet Louis. Softness. Country living. Good friends. It feels so lovely and yet I couldn’t stop giggling at the slow hands aspect of it. haha Defo recommend reading this to understand what slow hands has to do with any of this. 

Your Shadow Running Round by @harrystanslouis / harrystanslouis This fic is lovely! So lovely! Stupid boys who made stupid decisions and have to fix things are a soft spot for me, and that is definitely featured in this fic.

Run With Your Mind by @larryandgaystuff / larryandgaystuff (cnd8544) Another great story with such a great connection to the song it was written for! Full of stupid boys with feelings they aren’t talking about even though they really should. Maybe that was this month’s theme. Next month’s should be communication. HAH! 

Took Me by Surprise by @becomeawendybird / QuickedWeen This is a fic that Molly teased me with the idea for AGES ago and when it finally came to fruition I was not disappointed! Such an amazing read and a fic all around! The kid aspect was so believable and wonderful and just a lovely added bonus to the entire thing.

All My Friends Are Here by abrighteryellow This was the cutest fic! Pub quiz hosted by Harry becomes more than just a little appealing to Louis, despite the fact he doesn’t want it to be. A short little meet-cute to make you smile!

Mars Needs Irishmen by @fakedeepplantjerker / kassio Listen. This is a fic where the relationship tagged is Niall and Space. It’s got a great narrative structure and the story is so lovely! I really enjoyed it. So fulfilling and a great read!

maybe by @gaycousinlarry / momentofclarity This story!!! Two little nerdy boys who don’t think they have a chance with the other falling for each other anyway? Yes please. A beautifully fulfiling story considering how few words there are!

Beat the Odds Together by @ireallysawanangel / crimsontheory Cute! That’s all I can really say. It was so cute! A short little thing with surprising amounts of emotion packed in. 

walk down our aisles first by @jumperlouis / musketrois (B_kate) THIS. WAS. SO. SWEET. I keep saying that, but these short fics for the short fic fest gave me life when I was dealing with stress from my mom’s big open heart surgery and the aftermath of that. This was was particularly lovely as a meet cute with a slight twist to it that I really enjoyed.

Redwood Seedlings Prefer Full Sunlight by @polkadotsvstripes / polka_stripes Girl!Direction short fic featuring a meet-cute! I really enjoyed this one too. A fun quick read that also makes you hope they make it work hehe

Sea of Love by @kinglouisxxviii / theweightofmywords Mermaids and Princes! What more could you ask for?

If Anyone Knew by @marastarfar / StarFar Listen. This was one of the first A/B/O fics I ever read, and it was a WIP. A WIP I thought had been abandoned but then the amazing Mara almost made me cry by completing it! This fic is so great. Please be warned though, there are a LOT of triggers and it very much is a dark!fic in many ways, so be cautious before jumping in. Worth it if you can handle it, though! A great read, as StarFar’s stuff always is.

tell me what you need by @disgruntledkittenface / disgruntledkittenface This fic!!! I laughed hard enough to have my husband pause his movie and take out his headphones to ask me what in the world was going on lollll The pacing of this fic! It had me gasping and having to pause reading on numerous occasions so I could see clearly enough to keep reading. Definitely up there as one of the funniest fics I’ve ever read. 

Not yet a breach, but an expansion by @kinglouisxxviii / theweightofmywords GOSH THIS FIC! Heartwrenching and beautiful and so powerful in so few words! How?!?! I have no idea. Gorgeous and an amazing twist on soulmates.

when i'm pipe and slippers and rocking chair by nightwideopen Whoops. I lied. Another Tomlinshaw. Whatcha gonna do? This was such a cute little thing, though. Such a fun little established relationship fic hehe

head over feet by @kinglouisxxviii / theweightofmywords This fic was so good I went yelling in my GCs until I could find someone who know the tumblr associated with this AO3 and then I immediately ran and began screaming at Caryn, okay? Please read it. Love yourself. Read this fic.

Wish You Were Here by @undersummerstars / alittlewicked SELKIE HARRYYYYYYY!!! I need all the selkie Harry fics. Amazing. This one absolutely did not disappoint. I loved it and it made me crave more. 

Surrender to Seduction by @laynefaire / Layne Faire (HisDarlin) Layne’s tag “fast and loose with canon” had me giggling but those giggles stopped as I read this fic because the way she writes has such power and draw I was immediately in the story. A great read!

Until You Use Me Up by @fullonlarrie / FullOnLarrie OKAY LISTEN. Before I knew this was Lauren’s I read it and was just like FANNING MYSELF. It was so hot and so well done and amazing. It was just...amazing.

AND THAT, in reverse chronological order (because apparently that’s how I roll today), is a list of the fics I read and loved this month! Thank you to all of the amazing writers who shared your amazing works with us! You provided me with so much help in difficult days and entertainment. 

Please spread love to the fandom writers and leave them comments and kudos on their fics! I’ll be back next month with what will likely be a much shorter list lollll

[adhduck]

If You Ever Need Someone, I Will Be There

In the true spirit of February, have some...Halloween? Yikes, this was a late one. But it’s fine. It’s fine. And who needs correct context when you can have SOLID BELLARKE FLUFF WITH A ONE YEAR OLD? Also I think it was @forgivenessishardforus and @ginalou16 who originally told me about this idea? Though I don’t remember and you might not either lol

(AO3)

It was weird, probably, that Clarke met her best friend because of her daughter. Although, to be fair, most of Clarke’s friendships came out of strange situations—she met Maya when she nearly attacked her over a misunderstanding; Murphy at the courthouse, where she was paying a ticket and he was on trial for robbery; and Raven when they realized they were both in a relationship with the same guy.

           Which was sort of, in a roundabout way, how the first one got started.

           When Clarke realized Finn was cheating on her, it was almost shockingly easy cut him out of her life—take back the key, change her Facebook status, and spend a few weeks bonding with the other girl to ease the nagging heartache she didn’t want to feel until it withered into nothing. At least, until she missed her period and got a test, just to be sure, and then Clarke spent hours curled in the bathroom crying, staring at those two stupid lines on the screen because she wasn’t ready for this.

           But, thankfully, she had nine months of cravings and cramps and general irritation (so just the normal you, Jasper noted, which got him kicked in the leg) to prepare, and a horde of overprotective friends and family members to get her through it, and when the baby came she was, if not primed for motherhood, excited to hold a little girl in her arms who was hers. She was determined to do it well, to prove she didn’t need Finn or any other parental figure to raise this child. And she didn’t, not really—not besides occasional babysitting from Lincoln when her professors wouldn’t allow children, or frantic 2am calls to her mother or Monty (who was weirdly knowledgeable about motherhood, considering). In terms of surviving and caring for little Callie, Clarke was perfectly fine on her own.

           The problem was in the finer details.

 --

“What do you mean, you’re not carving pumpkins?”

           Clarke sighed heavily and adjusted Callie on her hip, prying her hair out of the one-year-old’s grabby fingers. “There’s not much of a point, right? Callie can’t make one.”            “So make one for her,” Raven demanded. “You can’t just skip out on the fun of holidays because you’ve got a baby to take care of.”

           “I’m not,” Clarke hedged.

           “Not what? Skipping out?”

           “Not because of Callie.”

           “Then why?” But, being Raven, she didn’t give Clarke a chance to reply. “You can’t be serious. Are you telling me you’re going to let your child’s first official Halloween get ruined because you’re single? Because listen, there’s no rule against single moms enjoying life because they don’t have a partner, and just because that jerk Finn cheated and then ran off to let you deal on your own—”

           “Raven,” Clarke hissed, cutting her off; Callie blinked and dropped her head onto Clarke’s shoulder. “I’m not doing it because of Finn. It’s just—” She swallowed hard and ran a hand across her daughter’s stringy hair. “I know what it’s like to live with a single mom, okay? I know how it feels to have two parents and then be ripped away from one of them. And I don’t want that for Callie.”

           Something softened in Raven’s gaze and she reached out to brush Clarke’s arm with her fingers. “Hey,” she murmured, using more gentleness than she usually ever displayed. “She’ll be fine. More than fine, with a mom like you.” Then she cleared her throat and stepped back with straighter shoulders. “And anyway, if you don’t carve a pumpkin and waste your artistic talent, I’ll knock you over the head with a wrench.”

            Clarke grinned. “Good to see you’re back.”

           “I will get my toolbox, Griffin.”

           “Race you there.”

           (Raven won, mostly because she played dirty. Thankfully, however, carrying children was an excellent protection against death threats.)

 --

Clarke liked her job. She loved it, in fact; working with young kids and teaching them how to draw little pictures, even as a student teacher, was much more enjoyable than the freelancing she once imagined herself doing. The issue was managing where to take her child while she taught other people’s children.

           Usually Callie stayed with Lincoln, who could work from home, or Monty if he was available, but both were unavailable today and Clarke had no idea what to do with the kid (she was too paranoid for babysitters or daycare). Add that to the fact she was late for work – read: unable to warn her boss about the child she was taking with her – got makeup all over her brand-new shirt, and forgot to feed a crying Callie, and it equaled out to a very frustrated Clarke.

           “Good morning, Clarke, how are—oh.” The principal, Anya, stared blankly at Callie, who had buried her face wetly into the collar of Clarke’s blouse.

           “I’m so sorry, I couldn’t find anyone to take her. What do I do?”

           Anya sighed heavily and adjusted her glasses (she didn’t need them, but seemed to think they made her look more qualified or something). “You called everyone you know to see if they’re available?”

           “Yes, everyone, including my mom, although she wouldn’t be helpful four hours away, and they’re all busy. I swear I would take her to someone, but I don’t make much money and I don’t want to use it on some daycare lady who won’t even treat her right – well, I guess you’d know, since you pay me and everything – and I can’t leave her alone, so—”

           “Miss Griffin. Breathe,” Anya said tiredly. “If it was this much of a stressor to get your child to a safe place, you could’ve just called in sick or other and saved me all the trouble. I’ll just have to....”

           “Excuse me, Ms. Anya. What seems to be the problem?”

           Clarke turned to see who the newcomer was and found the freckled face of Bellamy Blake, a social studies teacher who’d just switched from a nearby middle school to work at Arkadia Elementary. She hadn’t gotten to know him yet besides the obligatory greeting (which ended in a half-banter, half-argument) and the forcibly cut-off gazes because, okay, fine. The guy was hot. Sue her.

           “Oh. Um, hi, Mr. Blake,” Clarke said awkwardly. “We were just working out what to do with my daughter Callie. I can’t find a place to take her.”

           “I was thinking of just sending the two home for the day and save all of us the stress. I can easily pull up a sub for the children and let you figure out a more consistent schedule,” Anya said curtly. Clarke just stared at her blankly; she had yet to find the line between concerned and condescending with this woman.

           “What, and let the children miss out on Miss Griffin’s incredible teaching?” Bellamy asked, smirking at Clarke. (That was a line she could recognize easily. Bellamy seemed to live exclusively in the land of snarky or sarcastic.) “Surely we can figure something out.”

           “School policy generally restricts letting teachers’ children in the classroom with them....” Anya reminded him.

           “Yeah, well, bull to policy. She can manage her class fine with or without a child, and if it becomes a problem with drawing or something one of the other teachers can just hold onto the kid for a little bit.” He pointedly turned to Clarke. “Does that sound good to you?”

           Clarke swallowed and glanced momentarily to Anya, who seemed already disinterested in the situation. “Um—okay. As long as you know how to handle her, if I have to pass her off to you.”

           Bellamy rolled his eyes dramatically. “I practically raised my little sister. I can take care of—what was her name again?”

           “Callie. Short for Calypso.”

           Clarke could swear a lightbulb went off behind Bellamy’s eyes. “Like the Greek myth?”

           “If it’s the same as the one in Percy Jackson, yes. It’s sort of where I came up with it; that and it’s just pretty.”

           “More or less, though she was highly romanticized in Percy Jackson,” Bellamy said, getting an excited lilt to his voice. What a nerd. “Not that I minded; she was way more complex in the books and served an interesting side plot. And in Heroes of Olympus I loved when—”

           “Ahem.”

           They both turned to see Anya staring at them expectantly, and Clarke shifted uncomfortably. She’d forgotten the principal was even there. “I believe you have classes to attend.”

           “Yes, ma’am,” Bellamy said obediently, then inclined his eyes to Clarke mischievously. “It’s time, your majesty.”

           Clarke arched an eyebrow. “Are you talking to me or the baby whose pastimes include pooping and chewing on her own fingers?”

           “Calypso was the daughter of a Titan, you know. That’s royalty in my book.”

           “So that makes me what, a queen?”

           “Nah,” Bellamy said, still with that infuriatingly endearing grin, and took one of Callie’s thin arms in his hand. Callie, who only ever wanted her mom and wailed for hours before liking anyone, stared at him carefully and then gurgled happily. “I’m thinking you’re more of a princess, Clarke.”

           He turned and walked away without another word, and all Clarke could think – well, besides how unbelievably dramatic he was – was that he had used her first name.

 --

Two days before Halloween, Raven left a little gift at Clarke’s door.

           “I would’ve left knives as well,” Clarke read, “but I assumed that would be dangerous and I know you have some anyway. I’m checking in tomorrow and if it’s not done, I’m taping your hand to mine and doing it for you. XOXO.” Clarke looked skeptically at Callie, who was busy giggling at the hollow noises the pumpkin made when she hit it. “Does she really think delivering me a pumpkin will convince me to carve it?”

           In response, Callie clapped her hands together and sneezed.

           Clarke brought it up with the squad during her free time before lunch, but they all had the same advice—do whatever makes you comfortable, either way will be fine, just make sure Raven’s not near a hammer if you don’t. So, naturally, she brought it up with Bellamy.

           The two of them had bonded a little in the week since he had defended her in front of Anya, naturally drifting together in the teacher’s lounge when they had spare moments and getting into quips about the best music of the 90s or how to properly make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Clarke had learned Bellamy hadn’t practically raised his little sister, Octavia, he’d really raised her; that he was a giant history nerd but hated teaching middle school and up because they’d only let him teach ‘white boy’ history; that he was supposed to wear glasses but had given up after his puppy had eaten through two pairs of them (Clarke tried really, really hard not to imagine him pushing glasses up the bridge of his nose, especially with all those freckles).

��          In return, Bellamy had learned about Clarke’s never-ending argument with her mom about how she should’ve gone into the medical field, and her weird obsession with middle grade novels she’d read as a kid, and her side job of commissioning art—and, accidentally, her dilemma with Halloween.

           “She just dropped it off at your door?” he asked, half amused and half flabbergasted.

           “Yep, vaguely threatening note and all. She seems to think I’ll prove my independence as a single mom by stabbing orange gourds.”

           Bellamy paused, looking genuinely thoughtful. “Well, it could, couldn’t it? Prove you’re fine just as you are, a family of two.”

           “That’s what everyone keeps telling me. But I just can’t shake the feeling Callie needs somebody there, you know? A dad, or another mom. Someone who’s not just me.”

           “So you want to get hitched by tomorrow is what I’m hearing.”

           “No, you idiot,” she said, shoving his shoulder playfully. “I just wish I had a fill-in-father, somehow. Like you were for Octavia.”

           “Oh.” He caught her gaze, and Clarke became aware that they were oddly close for a public area. She swallowed.

           “Well, I—” She was cut off by the bell, and instantly the spell broke. Clarke backed off a step, clearing her throat nonchalantly, and said, “Thanks for the advice, Bellamy. See you later?”

           “Later. Yeah,” Bellamy agreed.

           She wondered why he seemed so certain.

 --

That night, Clarke spent a good twenty minutes staring at the pumpkin, weighing her options. It wouldn’t hurt to carve it, technically; it wasn’t likely to explode, and Clarke knew how to handle knives without hurting herself (unless it was cooking). But she still felt that incessant nagging, like something was missing.

           Then the doorbell rang.

           Clarke looked quizzically at Callie, who was in her booster seat and not paying attention at all, and went to the door. She swung it open, expecting to see Raven ‘checking in,’ but was instead saw—

           “Bellamy?”

           He blinked and adjusted the glasses – glasses – on his nose. “Clarke.”

           “Um, how—what are you doing here?”

           “Oh! Oh, yeah. Sorry. Octavia told me where you live.”

           “No, no, I meant why you were on my doorstep at seven o’clock on a school night.” And how Octavia knew where I live, and why you asked her, and how I’m supposed to handle your hair being mussed up like that.

           In response, he held up the bag in his hands. “I thought I’d be of assistance.”

           “With what?” Clarke asked, but the question was answered as soon as she looked in the bag. It was full of pumpkin carving tools—knives, hole-punchers, scoops, design books. Beneath all of it was a small, newly-bought pumpkin with the sticker still on it. “...Ah.”

           “I felt bad Calypso was going to start out her Halloween days without getting to celebrate all the traditions,” he explained, a little nervously, “so I asked Octavia about it, and she asked her boyfriend Lincoln....”

           “Lincoln? Octavia’s dating Lincoln?”

           “The connection was a surprise to me, too,” Bellamy agreed, with a little edge to his voice. He was way too overprotective sometimes. “But anyway, Lincoln approved the idea, and he passed your address on to me,” (Clarke made a mental note here to whack Lincoln over the head with her pumpkin the next time she saw him, and then maybe hug him), “and now here I am. Ready to serve.”

           “Um—” How was she supposed to respond to that? “Come inside, then.”

           She opened the door and led Bellamy inside, feeling superconscious of everything—the messy entryway, her paint-splattered clothes and messy bun, the remnants of Callie’s dinner splattered across the table. “I like it,” he said wonderingly. “Sort of huge for a school teacher, but nice.”

           Clarke flushed red. “Mom’s a surgeon and Dad left most everything to me. Seemed to realize I would go the low-pay route instead of following my mother’s footsteps.”

           He gave her that look, the one she couldn’t place on the line between contempt and amusement. “A true princess.”

           She swallowed and stepped past him to the table. “Which pumpkin do you want to carve?”

           He glanced over Raven’s gift thoughtfully before saying, “Calypso’s the one we’re doing this for, so I think she needs one dedicated to her. And the other one we share?”

           Clarke decided to ignore the we’s and picked Callie out of her chair. “All right, Callie, you want to carve some pumpkins with Mr. Blake here? Do you remember him?”

           Callie reached a hand out to Bellamy and gurgled happily. “Bemy.”

           Bellamy smiled in a distinctly paternal way – Clarke was absolutely not into it – and held Callie’s hand between two of his fingers. “Good to see you again, milady,” he said gently. “What picture do you want?”

           “Bufly,” Callie said insistently, squeezing his finger. She turned her face to Clarke. “Bufly, Mommy. I want bufly.”

           “All right, butterfly it is,” Clarke said, smiling widely. “I can do that one. Bellamy, you can pick whatever for our pumpkin.” Our. “As long as you don’t ruin it. This will be on display, remember.”

           Bellamy smiled; Clarke felt a churning in her gut. “As you wish.”

           Turned out Bellamy was just as good as Clarke at the physical carving – practice, he said, lots of practice – and by the time they were finished, up to the elbows in pumpkin guts and smelling about as good, there was a butterfly and a crown side-by-side on the table. “I can’t believe I let you pick,” Clarke groaned when she saw his design idea.

           He shrugged. “Your fault for giving the guest free reign.”

           “Ah, but joke’s on you, because this one’s going into the closet, never to be seen by any decent human soul,” Clarke told him.

           “You wouldn’t.”

           “Oh, I would, Bemy.”

 --

Clarke thought that would be the end of it, but on Halloween Bellamy accidentally revealed he had nothing to do that night, and she nobly suggested he could go trick-or-treating with her and Callie. He came to her house that night, just as before, except now they were both in Star Wars costumes (him as Han Solo, her as Rey) to match with Callie’s Leia outfit. “We’ll take turns taking her to the door, so we don’t crowd up the porch,” Clarke reminded him as she locked her apartment door behind him. “And if she gets too tired we come back immediately. This is for her to have fun, no matter how much candy we get to mooch off her.”

           “I get candy?” Bellamy asked.

           Clarke feigned innocence. “I mean, if I eat all this candy on my own, I’ll have no teeth by the end, and who’ll critique you on your classroom decorations then?”

           “On second thought, I don’t want any,” he decided, and she shoved him.

           They were only out an hour when Callie started to crash. Bellamy volunteered to carry her so Clarke could get into the house and when he tried to lay Callie into her bed she clutched onto his neck and it was so pure that Clarke nearly kissed him right there.

           She didn’t, but after they stuffed their faces with candy and watched movies sitting just a little too close together until Bellamy had to leave, she wrapped her arms around his neck tightly and reveled in the warm, comforting way he held her back.

           “Thank you, Bellamy,” she murmured by his ear, unwilling to be the first to pull away.

           “I didn’t do anything,” he replied, but he was smiling.

           It was a long time before either of them let go.

 --

Raven was, unsurprisingly, the first one to call Clarke out on the whole situation.

           Granted, she didn’t bug Clarke when she asked Bellamy over because ‘Callie was too much to handle,’ or when he made her dinner because she’d been watching a sick Callie all day and didn’t want to order takeout, or even when she stopped using the excuse of Callie altogether and just asked him over, constantly. She only interfered when, months and months after the two pumpkins in the front window had withered away, Clarke gave Bellamy a house key.

           “You do realize there are married couples who don’t take that step,” Raven chided her when Clarke tried to justify the decision with what if something happened to Callie and he always has to cook for me anyway so he might as well let himself in. “You’re practically living together.”

           “It’s a key, Raven, not a diamond ring. It’s just...more effective, all right? We’re not getting married; we haven’t even kissed yet.”

Raven’s whole face lit up at that, and Clarke inwardly cursed, realizing her error.

“No, that’s not what I meant,” she amended hurriedly, “we’re not romantic and we’re not going to be, he’s just—”

           “You said yet!” Raven cawed gleefully. “How many times have you thought about it, Clarke? I need details.”

           “I don’t think about kissing Bellamy.”

           Raven scoffed. “You’re the worst liar I know, Griffin. Spill it. Why haven’t you two smashed your faces together yet?”

           Clarke thought about lying for a moment, but she’d been dying to talk about this for months, and Raven was one of her only friends she could trust to keep a secret. “And someone mistook him for Callie’s father the other day, and he’s so domestic, and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do about it because he just wants to marathon CW shows and I want to flipping marry him, Raven.”

           Raven was silent for a long time and Clarke thought maybe she’d get a good response, but what came out was, “Wow. Okay. I was not expecting that level of honesty. Maybe Bellamy’s secretly drugging you with all those cookies.”

           “Raven.”

           “All right, all right. Well, if you ask me, you need to poke your head out of the sand and actually look at that boy for a moment, because I’m not getting much of a ‘movie buddies’ vibe from him.”

           “That’s literally all we do together.”

           “Oh yes,” Raven said, rolling her eyes, “besides eating dinner like a family every night, sometimes with Octavia, which is the closest thing to meeting his parents, and going out on ‘hangouts’ to restaurants you want to try, and planning each other’s lessons, all the while with your heart eyes in blinding mode.”

           “Bellamy does not have heart eyes for me,” Clarke grumbled even as her heart did that awkward happy flop.

           “Hon, he only has heart eyes for you. Even when you argue it’s like half of him is too busy staring into your soul to be upset.”

           Clarke thought about the way Bellamy had looked at her when he’d said goodbye the night before; how his whole face had gone soft and his eyes had gotten that thing she loved, like a barely-contained spark about to burst into flames. She thought about how hard it had been to do nothing more than squeeze his hand and peck his cheek as he went out the door.

           “I may be seeing your point,” she conceded, “but it doesn’t mean I can just walk up to him and say, ‘Hey, Bellamy, I know I’ve kept things strictly platonic between the two of us since we met, now I would really like to make out with you. Thanks.’”

           “Well, you could, and it would probably end in lots of face-smashing, but since you want a traditional way of going about this, you’re going to have to just find the right time to explain yourself.”

           “What time is that?”

           Raven shrugged. “How would I know? I don’t dabble in your weird rom-com ways. I just tell people when they’re hot.”

           Clarke rolled her eyes before feeling her phone buzz in her pocket; when she opened it, Bellamy’s scrunchy smile dominated the screen. “Thanks, Raven. Very helpful.”

           “I know,” Raven grinned, then left Clarke to her work.

 --

After that conversation, Clarke sort of expected herself to spill everything to Bellamy over the phone, or at least the next time she saw him, but of course it didn’t happen like that. Every time she started up the courage, she got distracted by the weight of his arm around her shoulder or his laugh when he played with Callie or the pressure of his gaze on hers. Or, sometimes, she just panicked and changed the subject because what if? After all, this wasn’t some random person she’d gotten fond of. This was Bellamy. This was her best friend. If she was wrong....

           So, she stalled, even when everyone (except Bellamy, hopefully) figured it out and nagged her incessantly; and maybe she could’ve held off on it forever, too, if not for Callie.

           Bellamy was over, like he always was, and since it was Friday Clarke had hours of being with him to look forward to after Callie fell asleep. He was making another attempt to teach her how to cook, which was as useless as the day he started, but he was so concerned about her ability to feed herself when he was away that she humored him.

           “I vote we each make a single serving for the other person and judge who did it better,” Clarke said as they gathered materials.

           “A competition? From you? I’m shocked,” Bellamy said monotonously.

           “Fine, if you think you can’t win,” she goaded, purposefully leaning into his side.

           “Fine, if you think you can win without me coming to rescue you,” he replied.

           He was right, of course; even though it was a pasta dish, and a simple one at that, Clarke found herself constantly wanting to ask Bellamy questions, and by the time they both served each other their dishes, Bellamy’s looked like the winner on Chopped and Clarke’s looked like it had been chopped. With a chainsaw. Covered in blood.

           “How much paprika did you put in this, Griffin?” Bellamy asked when she set in in front of him, eyes almost comically wide.

           “I may have had some issues with the lid and pouring,” she admitted, sitting gracefully in front of her own plate.

           “If I eat this, I may actually die.”

           She shrugged and stabbed a forkful of food. “More room in the staff fridge for me. Anyway, you agreed to the deal.”

           “Yeah, but I didn’t realize it was Chopped Hunger Games,” Bellamy grumbled, but he ate it anyway – actually ate it, that disgusting bowl of limp noodles covered in red powder and bitter sauce – and all she could think about was how much she loved him, even when he threatened to replicate her dish exactly the next day.

           Once they finished eating and cleaned up – meaning Clarke did dishes while Bellamy washed out his mouth with soap in the bathroom – they went to put Callie to bed. She was getting much better at falling asleep lately, as long as someone told her a story, and (like everything) it had turned into a competition. Each night they both told a story, and Callie picked her favorite as she nodded off. They kept a tally on the fridge.

           Bellamy was currently six ahead of Clarke, which she wasn’t entirely surprised at because the boy could speak. Where Clarke stumbled over her words, searching for the perfect phrase and trying to fit the whole story in her head at once, Bellamy’s stories rolled over his tongue like he’d heard them his whole life. He gave different voices for each character and sent them on wild adventures (with Calypso ever the brave hero) and made dramatic gestures with his hands when it got especially exciting. If Clarke was being honest, she was as riveted as her daughter.

           But war was war, so of course she couldn’t be honest.

           “All right, Callie, which one’s your favorite? Mine or Bellamy’s?” Clarke asked as Bellamy finished up and smirked at her, already knowing he would win.

           She yawned hugely and rolled onto her side. “Daddy’s.”

           Clarke froze.  

           “What was that, sweetie?” she asked, inwardly begging, Please say Bellamy, please say Bellamy.

           “I liked Daddy’s better,” Callie repeated as her eyes drifted shut, casual as could be. “He had dragons. I like dragons. Did the first Calypso have dragons, Daddy?”

           Clarke risked a glance at Bellamy’s face; it was taut and wide-eyed, but he managed to crack a sweet smile. “No, but she should’ve, right? Everything’s better with dragons.”

           “Right,” Callie agreed, and promptly fell asleep.

           There was a solid five seconds of silence as Clarke and Bellamy stared pointedly at Callie instead of each other, then Clarke steeled herself and spoke. “Um—it’s not late, yet. We could watch a movie. If you want.”

           “Yeah—movie. Okay.” Bellamy seemed as in shock as she was. That was a comfort, at least.

           So they watched a movie, barely speaking, with a few inches extra of space than usual and probably not even paying attention to the screen either. Clarke was too busy running every possible scenario in her head of what to do, and very few of them seemed to have positive outcomes. If she pretended to not know what had just happened, it would hang over them until she talked about it. But if she talked about it—geez, what could she even say? He’d either get scared away or they’d be living with the fact that Callie thought of Bellamy as her dad for the rest of their lives.

           Well, okay, maybe it wouldn’t be quite so dramatic. But still.

           When the movie ended, they sat in silence for a few minutes before Bellamy seemed unable to take the tension. “Clarke, about what Callie said...I don’t want you to feel weird or anything.”

           Clarke turned towards him with a sigh of resignation. “You’re fine. It’s not like it was your fault.” She thought about grabbing his hand and decided against it. “I’m sorry she....”

           “Don’t be,” he replied. Their knees were brushing.

           “Well, I am, so deal with it.” She caught his eye and smiled at him, and for a moment he smiled back, then it dissolved into a hard swallow.

           “It wasn’t the worst thing, you know,” he began, slow and unsure, “to be called Callie’s dad.”

           Clarke’s heart effectively leaped into her throat. All she could manage was, “Oh?”

           “Because she’s such a good kid, I mean,” Bellamy rushed to say. “If she thinks of me that way, I can’t be doing too badly, right?”

           “Right,” Clarke agreed, but her head was buzzing too much to say anything else. She wanted to hold his hands so badly. “What do we tell her?”

           Bellamy thought for a moment, running his hand through his hair. “Nothing. She’s a kid; she’ll figure it out.”

           His resigned tone caught Clarke off guard. “Bellamy, you have to know, I don’t want this to...change anything,” she said. Liar. “I mean, I don’t want you to feel like you have to act any differently.”

           Bellamy nodded tightly. “It’s okay. Callie just...misinterpreted our relationship.”

           The Raven-voice in Clarke’s head started screaming at her. I swear, if you don’t do something now when he left a perfect opening right there, I will limp all the way over there and— “What is our relationship?”

           Bellamy’s lips parted in shock, and it took everything in Clarke not to break eye contact. “Well—you’re my best friend,” he stammered at last. And I don’t want to endanger our relationship, even if....” He cut off, looking sharply at her and away; his jaw was clenched, the veins in his neck bulging.

           Clarke’s heart thumped fiercely in her chest. Bellamy didn’t just look nervous; he looked terrified, as if the next words she spoke could break him. She should’ve told him sooner. “Bellamy,” she said urgently, feeling her voice shake with a terror of her own. “Even if what?”

           He wouldn’t look at her. “It doesn’t matter. I just want to make sure—”

           Before he could continue and say some stupid thing about how he didn’t deserve love or he just wanted her to be happy (as if that could happen without him), Clarke grabbed his hands. His gaze jerked to hers, surprised; she gripped his shaking fingers tighter. “Bellamy. I—” But suddenly everything she wanted to say, all the speeches she’d been carrying around for months, dissolved at the tip of her tongue, and all she could do was look at him. The galaxy of freckles spanning his face. The scar above his lip, in almost the same spot as her own mark. The subtle shades in his eyes, spiraling into depths she could get lost in forever.

           I love you, she thought, but she was too afraid to say it. She had to do something, though, so she held his hands up to her face and pressed her lips to them.

           Bellamy’s fingers tightened under hers immediately; his skin was warm. She dropped their hands into his lap, but did not look up, even when she felt Bellamy move so close his breath fanned across her face when he spoke. “Clarke....”

           It was the way he said it, that reassured her most; like he was terrified but didn’t care, like he was prepared to die any moment if it meant whispering her name one more time. She lifted her head and their foreheads met, eyes closing.

           “There’s no one I would want it to be but you,” she murmured with a shaky voice. He was so near, and their noses were brushing; she couldn’t think. “I—I need you. Not just for Callie. I need—”

           He pressed his lips to hers.

           Clarke quickly disentangled her hands from Bellamy’s so she could wrap them around his neck, sifting his curls through her fingers. He steadied her face with a hand and gripped her waist with the other and it was so soft, so gentle, so insistent, she thought she would melt.

           “I love you,” she said between kisses, the words finally bursting through her rib cage with their intensity.

           “I love you, too, Clarke,” Bellamy murmured, tucking back a piece of her hair and looking at her like there was nothing else.

           An ache grew in Clarke’s chest, so warm and large she didn’t know how her body could manage it. He loved her. He loved her.

           And somehow, impossibly, she’d already known.

 --

“Clarke, are you done with it yet?” Bellamy whined from across the room. “It’s been forever.”

           “Patience, young one,” she replied as she finished her final touches on the pumpkin. “Shouldn’t you be busy over there anyway?”

           “First of all, you can’t call the person three years your elder ‘young one,’” Bellamy pointed out. “And second of all, Callie won’t do anything fun. She just wants to drive fake trucks into each other.”

           “Such is the life of a father,” she called back, grinning. Then she looked over her work and breathed out slowly, steeling herself. “Okay, done. Come...come see.”

           Bellamy was over in moments, and Clarke tried hard not to let her hands shake as she spun the pumpkin around so he could see the design. He looked it over, then glanced at her, then back again, looking on the verge of a thousand questions.

           “You keep telling me there’s not enough Callie for both of us,” Clarke said slowly. Breathe, Griffin, breathe. “Maybe this will settle the score.”

           He moved forward slowly, still unspeaking, fingers slightly outstretched. Knowing what he wanted, Clarke took his hand and placed it carefully on her stomach; she could feel the coolness of his ring through her shirt.

           “I promise I wasn’t hiding it from you,” she said when he had stared at her midsection for almost a minute and still had said nothing. “I just found out yesterday, and I wanted how I told you to be exciting, so....” She gestured vaguely to the pumpkin.

           “Any way you told me would’ve been exciting,” Bellamy murmured, resting his lips on her hair. “Clarke.... We’re having a baby. Our own baby.”

           “Our second,” Clarke corrected, and after kissing her profusely, Bellamy agreed.

[justinenicole-blog2]

The “OUR” Just Became “YOUR” and “MY” Story

By: JNAM Jan. 7, 2017 (12:48 AM) “I was young and in love, I gave you everything but it wasn’t enough.” This line comes from the song of Jojo, Too Little Too Late. And I can say that this perfectly defines my first relationship. Being in love at a very young age was both fun and difficult. I experienced my first everything in that relationship. Entering to such situation made me feel excited, gratified and even blue. It was like I was able to experience unlike emotions every time I was with him. And giving him my everything was bullshit, but I got no regrets for what I’ve done. After all it was my choice.

Before entering the college life I promised to myself that I would not let myself to be involved into a romantic relationship until I would get my diploma. I wanted to focus on my family, studies, and to myself first. And having very strict parents I knew that entertaining a guy was a big no-no (to make things clear, I was not mad at my mom and dad for being like that lol). But he came into the picture and I let him to stay. I allowed him to be part of my life. I gave him a chance despite of all those promises I made.

OUR STORY

Summer on the year of 2015 I had a communication with him. We both came from a circle of friends and we barely talked with each other every time our squad was together so I was surprised when we suddenly started to have a conversation. Phone calls and personal messages became our routine as the day passed by although I was not fond of talking to a guy through a phone call. I had known some parts of his past and him to mine. We let to share our stories with each other. And as the day and night came I slowly learned to appreciate his presence. I was already into that type of day where I wanted to talk to him and tell how my day was.

After almost two months of chats and random calls he suddenly stopped reaching out. But a week later, our story began. He confessed. He asked if he can court me. He went to our house and after a couple of days I said yes. I badly wanted him to meet my family, my parents. But I was too afraid. I knew that he deserved to be with a girl that can proudly introduce into her family and I was not that girl. It was really unfair for his side and I was coward for that reason.

He was first, my first in everything. I became dependent on him – to the point that being paranoid became normal for me when he’s not around. Yes, you have read it right. I am not a kind of girlfriend that would show my feelings but when I was still with him, when I was used to his presence, him being gone or not replying back right away to my SMS had made me paranoid at some points. And yes, he doesn’t know that.

I always say to my friends that in our relationship I was the boy and he was the girl when it comes to our emotion. He was too way emotional than I am or maybe he was just more showy than I am. In every arguments and misunderstandings we faced he was the first one to cry and I was acting like it doesn’t affect me. Don’t get me wrong, it also pained me. It’s just that I don’t want us to end up saying hurtful words to each other and there I was wrong. No matter how I tried not to hurt him and him not to hurt me, we always ended up throwing words which we didn’t mean.

I don’t want him to be the center and and only person in my world. I don’t want us to stick only in our relationship. I wanted us to explore our own different worlds whilst we were enjoying each other’s company. (I know. I know that was quite ironic.) We were still young, there were a lot of opportunities and time given to us to improve ourselves and see the beauty of the things that surrounds us. I don’t want him to be tied on me when in fact I knew that he must fulfill the things he wanted to do. I don’t want him to think that I was giving him limitations and I don’t want him to feel that I was taking away his freedom because of our relationship. I wanted us to grow and be mature enough to stand up on our own because one thing is for sure, there will be time when we needed to be on our own.

I thought he already get what I meant for our relationship, guess I was wrong. He made me feel that I was his first priority; he always chose to be with me. He made me feel that no matter what happens he will still stay by my side and believe me or not I was really grateful for that. But I didn’t deserve a guy like him. He was too perfect for me. He doesn’t deserve a girl who doesn’t give him time and effort. I became a type of girlfriend that demanded his time and effort to understand and stick with me but I wasn’t able to return him a favor. Believing on his promises: “I will stay with you,” “I will never leave you,” and “you’re the only girl I will love forever” I became assured that he will hold on to these. That he will hold on to me, to us.

NO MORE “OUR” STORY

It’s true that no matter how hard you tried to keep a commitment you’ll get tired. You’ll get to the point when you feel that anything you do to save a relationship will just be nonsense. And that’s the time when he already chose to let go of me and made me forget about him. I cannot put all the blame on him, and I should definitely not put the blame on him. Clearly, he will not get tired of me if I gave him he deserves. Clearly I was the one who didn’t make the relationship to last. Clearly, from the very beginning he was the one who gave more effort to make us work (and for the record, I wanted us to work. I wanted him to be with me for the rest of my life. It was just that I chose to be more focused on my goals, to finish my pre-med course and eventually continue it to Proper Med). I wanted him to be proud of me. I wanted him to be one of the people that will gladly congratulate me for being able to survive my chosen path.

I thought he already understood my dreams and goals in life. I thought he was willing to wait for me. I thought he will be always by my side no matter what I’m facing through. But he got tired. He had given up. And I truly understood and accepted his decision. But there was this pain. The unfamiliar pain that I had never imagined I would feel because of him. I begged him to stay and to love me again – and I was already too late to ask him for that. I knew that begging him to stay was a shitty act. I loved him. And I still do. I hoped that moment he will chose me again. It did not happen. After wiping my tears and holding my hands for the last time, he had chosen to cut everything about us. He had chosen to end the “us” and walked away. He left me. “Our” relationship suddenly became “his” and “my” and for sure that will be the start of the new chapter of our separate books. He decided to end our story, our chapter, and I on the other side still wanted to erase the period on the last page and to continue writing knowing that there was no blank space left to fill in and the pen was already out of the ink.

AFTER

Months later, I saw him again. I saw him with another girl. I thought I already moved on but the pain inside my heart is slowly awakened. The stitch that I made after that painful wound is opening again. I shouldn’t let my heart to bear this pain again. I should let my walls to be build to protect me from hurting once again. I should not let my tears to fall for him again. I should not let him to make me remember the past. And I should be moving on. No. I should have already moved on.

PS: I’m still grateful that you were my first relationship. Thank you for all those memorable moments we shared together. Thank you for letting me experience the love I didn’t deserve. Thank you for being there at times when I needed you. Thank you for everything you’ve done for me. Thank you for understand. Thank you for waiting. Thank you for accepting me. And thank you for loving me. Until then, my love.