#this is so far out of my comfort zone and I can’t believe I’m actually sharing this for other people to read

[mollywog]

WIP Tag Game!

Diner Thanksgivinglark Part 3

Part 1 | Part 2

Tagged by: @thelettersfromnoone @littlemarianah @districtunrest 🩶🩶🩶

~~~

She flexes her fingers, before slipping her hands into the pocket of her apron to fiddle with the straws as she heads to the coffee maker. She’s not one for touching; She dreads the accidental brush of limbs as she hands off cups or clears plates. Nothing like Delly, who’s a self proclaimed ‘hugger’ or Johanna who she once watched braid a patron’s beard on request. But there’s something about Peeta that has her doing and saying things out of her comfort zone.

Returning with cup and carafe, she quickly scans the room and upon finding no immediate need, slides into the seat across from him.

“How’s your day been?”

‘Better now,’ she thinks, but instead she shrugs, “not terrible. The Turkey Trot had us busy this morning, but after that it slowed a bit, no worse than a usual day. How about you? We weren’t expecting the after dinner rush until at least 11. Shouldn't you be drinking too much and reminiscing about the good ol’ days or something?”

She’d only moved to town three years ago when her sister had started college at Panem U, but she’d quickly learned that half the town was related to a Mellark, Cartwright, or Undersee. She imagined their family gatherings to be like the big boisterous depictions from the movies. Peeta has a self-deprecating charm that allows him to fit in wherever he goes; she can’t imagine him not enjoying the holidays.

Her family on the other hand had always been small, made smaller by circumstance and time. She’d still loved Thanksgiving, but it was just her and Prim now and with her sister abroad for the semester, she’d decided to work rather than wallow alone.

He groans, “I ducked out early. I’ve been helping with Thanksgiving orders at the bakery all week and I’m all Mellarked out. Then there was the cake this morning; Can you believe someone actually planned a Thanksgiving Day wedding? I thought those were just made up for Hallmark Movies. I’ve been up since 3am. I’m so tired, Katniss,” he says with exaggerated head slump.

She tisks, standing from her seat in anticipation of the hulking man at table 2’s empty coffee cup. “Sounds like you should be at home in bed, instead of caffeinating here.”

“And miss the best part of my week so far? Never.”

~~~

Tagging: @mkweber @oenothera5 @mage-chocolate @rainymyx @waywardangel-wilds

[chokisnumber1fan]

kriti; an ode to devotion

dr. ratio x fem!reader, in which ratio finds himself absolutely smitten for a musician from earth.

content/warnings: 1.4k words, reader is very very feminine, referred to with she/her, reader is also indian and a maestro at indian classical music, i made this purely as a self-indulgent self-insert piece, religious imagery/writing, good ol’ potential ooc dr. ratio warning, he does not know ANYTHING about indian classical music or hindu culture, a few sanskrit terms used

author’s note: aaaah i can’t stop thinking about how dr. ratio would absolutely just fall in love with people passionate for their lines of work. i know this is pretty much just a self insert of my own but the thought of ratio with an s/o devoted to music or dance is so... <3

ratio feels like he’s sighed for the millionth time today. “didn’t you find someone else to do your bidding, gambler?” his question is met with a resounding and joyful nope! from aventurine, who drags him into the crowded theatre. “i had two tickets for this show because my friend was very kind. but no one else could make it on such short notice,” the blonde says, the smile never leaving his face. “so, i’m glad you came with me, doctor. ah! two empty seats! lucky us, eh?”

“whatever.”

ratio can’t say he’s the biggest fan of music— he dabbles in it from time to time, but nothing too much. it it weren’t for the gambler’s insistence, he would currently have been home and indulging in a relaxing bath; but alas, aventurine always gets what he wants. “i’m surprised you even have friends with a personality as repulsive as yours.”

“that hurt, you know,” aventurine says, clutching at his chest and forcing a pained expression onto his face. “do you really think i’m that bad?”

“no, i just think you are an idiot. or that the friends you have are equally as repulsive as you.”

the chatter around him turns into static white noise and he stares emptily at the blank stage, numbers and letters going left and right and center in his brain. the frustrating proof that the doctor had been trying to work on for weeks now is making a resurgence in his head. well, on second thought, maybe it’s not so bad that he got dragged out… perhaps, the doctor could make use of this opportunity to unplug and relax a bit. maybe the gambler isn’t so much of an idiot after all (aventurine knows, but he won’t let up).

ratio is snapped out of his daze as the curtains draw to a close, the stage now hidden behind them. a good portion of the crowd silences, in anticipation of the performance that was about to begin any second now. he heaves a sigh when the curtains reopen, a subconsciously bated breath being released.

in the middle of the stage sits a woman wearing a rich blue… robe? stole? no, it’s probably a saree, he surmises. “that’s her!” aventurine says excitedly with a gasp. “do you see her, doctor?” the soft light falling on the woman seems to reflect off of her in a subtle shine. almost like an ethereal goddess... “yes, i do, aventurine, i am not blind. i’m actually surprised you have friends from earth, of all planets.”

and ratio truly was genuinely surprised— not because he truly believed that aventurine’s personality would be an obstacle between him and his friendships, but because as far as he knew, earth was one of those tiny planets in a remote arm of the milky way galaxy. the people of earth tended to have their own cultures and gods that they worshipped instead of the aeons, and all of this differed widely between major regions on the planet. the… earthlings? well, in any case, they rarely ever travelled outside of their home planet— the maximum they usually ever went was within their planetary system. maybe they’re finally beginning to get out of their comfort zone? no one knows for sure.

the chatter of the crowd gradually dies down as three others assemble next to the woman with their instruments. she takes a sip from the bottle that lay next to her, and ratio notices the slight motion she makes with her hand. he assumes this was to get the show going, because the instrumentalists began playing their parts. they start with a monotonous and constant drone, after which the other stringed instrumentalist joins along with the harmonium player— and finally, you. ratio finds his interest piqued— he does not know much about earth and its customs and cultures.

you take a breath and you start singing. you start off slow and mellow, but ratio can feel the intensity and tempo of the performance gradually increasing— and with it, the intricacies of phrases that you’re singing. he finds it infuriatingly captivating, the way you jump through the chromatic scale with ease, like a deer prancing about in the forest. he wonders if you speak in melody.

ratio swears it’s the most masterful thing he’s ever listened to. he’s never listened to this kind of music ever in his life before, he knows nothing. it’s not as big as a choir or orchestra— and yet, he finds it amazing, the ease with which you conduct everyone with a flick of your hand. no… it’s not conducting. it seemed too unauthoritative to be. honestly, he has a lot of questions but for now he lets himself think of it simply for what it probably was— a well coordinated performance (and he would not be wrong to think of it that way either).

the skillful gliding of your voice has ratio enamoured. he finds it impressive, how easily you seem to be gliding over three octaves of notes without breaking out into as much as a sweat. he can only imagine the years and years of practice that must have gone into gaining such mastery— you make it look as easy as breathing. he would be lying if he said he didn’t find it attractive to some degree at the very least.

it takes him completely by surprise when you look in his direction and shoot your biggest most saccharine smile ever. and then he remembers about your supposed friendship with the man next to him and realises that it wasn’t for him. the gambler wasn’t lying, eh? who was ratio kidding, you didn’t even know him.

but he’s starting to become far gone. ratio isn’t a sapiosexual or whatever, by any means, even if he comes off as such. he knows that people think he would only be willing to date someone who has more phds than he does, but that’s not true at all. ratio believes that one must be passionate about anything that they choose to do. ultimately, that’s really what gets him hooked. he’s absolutely taking delight in looking at the fruits of your years of devotion to your art. and you, your performance is so enchanting it almost hurts. he feels like a dazed sailor drawn to a siren.

heh, it wouldn’t be so bad if the siren was you, he thinks, but immediately cringes at the thought afterward, discarding it into some corner of his brain he hopes to never see again.

oh, aventurine isn’t blind to any of this. he looks at the doctor’s eyes glued onto the stage with hyperfocus, and laughs. he doesn’t miss the way his grip on the armrests grow tighter and tighter, the flexing and tensing of his muscles obvious. who would’ve thought that his musician friend from earth of all people would’ve had the doctor whipped? he supposes it wasn’t a bad decision to bring ratio along, after all.

the audience bursts into thunderous clapping once you hit the end of your performance. ratio almost thought there was going to be no end to it— not that he’d complain though, it would’ve given him more time to study your performance, your art, more time to study you. “that was… that was a splendid performance. i wasn’t expecting to find myself hooked onto a musical of all things, seems like you aren’t completely bad, gambler.” ratio is completely candid with his compliment.

“oh, i know how much you enjoyed this,” aventurine says rather suggestively, catching the doctor off-guard. “hey, i’m going into the backstage to meet her— would you like to tag along?”

ratio is elated at the offer. of course he’d want to meet you, he’s got so many questions and— “sure…” his expression remains as stoic as ever. he’s always been able to count on himself but now? he hopes his deadpan image isn’t betrayed by his feelings, and he finds it so impossibly difficult to fight back the smile that’s slowly creeping onto his features as he watches you and aventurine converse like you were best friends reunited.

“this is my friend, doctor ratio!”

“oh, so you’re the doctor that everyone talks about! nice to meet you, i’m _____.”

you knew him already? well, it’s no big deal, you must have heard about him from aventurine. fuck, you look so much more heavenly up close. you’re like the manifestation of a goddess, with the way you seem to literally radiate a glow and everything. shit, if he didn’t know any better, he’d think you were an emanator of beauty, or an incarnation of devi saraswati (he hopes he isn’t thinking of the wrong goddess with his limited knowledge of hindu culture).

“likewise. just veritas is fine, too. that was an absolutely phenomenal performance, back then.”

veritas doesn’t know the first thing about the gods you sung the praises of during your performance, but he does think that your devotion to the art must be unmatched. he feels like you are a personification of the heavens, and he’s blind to everything that isn’t your divine beauty. there’s something so ancient about your art, and you’re almost like an envoy of the gods— aeons, you’re slowly getting him wrapped around your damn finger, and he doesn’t think he’s going to do anything to stop it.

“thank you, veritas,” you smile at him, and he feels a slight warmth. “i’ll be performing again at the grand theatre soon. you’ll be there, right?”

[kamjkaze]

Some Andre HCs cause I feel like I understand my baby the most.. TW: eating disorders

I think Andre struggles with anorexia as a means of having control over his life. If pried about it you’ll learn he genuinely does not believe he has disordered eating. He will fast for days on end to simply feel like he has a grip on his own reality.

I think his brain still thinks I’m german and when he’s only around his family for awhile he fumbles a little when translating his thoughts into English. Cal, naturally makes fun of him for this.

When he’s very sleepy and keeping himself awake his brain defaults to German and Cal usually just goes along with whatever Andre is saying.

Cal and Andre are super different in how they go to sleep. Andre can force himself to be awake for hours even if he’s barely lucid. But Cal, once he’s out, he’s out.

Andre is a mega computer nerd and begged his parents for that little computer for a full calendar year before he received it. He loves to tinker with it and I think once when he was younger his tinkering went too far and he broke something inside it. His dad got suuupppeer pissed and threatened to throw the whole thing out if Andre was so comfortable with breaking the things he bought him. , thankfully Andre fixed it with a bit of reading and stressing

Andre is a terrible skin picker. He has acne as it is but he will poke and prod and squeeze and scratch at all the little bumps on his face. The fact he has dirty man hands all up in his open ass acne is not doing the problem any favors

Andre still struggles with his own religious identity and never fully dropped the idea of Judaism from his mind, even on zero day.

I think he actually enjoys working with his dad, I think he’s a daddy’s boy as it is but being able to be out of the house and actually social with his father most nights is really good for him. Many of his doubts for zero day occurred while he was at work with his father.

I think Andre is very sensitive to weed and cannot handle himself very well with getting high because the Goldilocks zone of “this ain’t shit” to “throwing up and greening out” is so small for Andre. As opposed to Cal who hasn’t taken a tolerance break in the four years he’s been smoking.

This is the opposite for drinking. Andre can smash as much alcohol as he wants in a night whereas Cal is a total lightweight who can’t handle his vodka

Andre sleeps completely naked no matter the season. Andre is also naked most of the time in his bedroom or when left alone in the house. It’s a small quirk about him that he doesn’t really know where it came from. “I guess I was just meant to be a nudist. I mean, it’s how we’re all born”

Andre is not the type to admit his jealousy but it is one of the few things he’s able to laugh about just because I think he understands that he is a very jealous person and has more or less come to terms with it (unless of course pushed too hard about it, Andre would get mad about anything if pushed too hard about it)

When andre was a small boy his favorite book was The Runaway Bunny

Andre Kriegman is my life and joy PLLEAASSEEE share your Andre Hcs with me I beg of you

[theebubblegumbitch]

You Know You Ain’t Gettin Your Bitch Back~

Chad Meeks Martin x fem!reader

Synopsis: After attending a frat Party with your (soon to be ex-) bf, his behavior leads to a fight between y’all. Good thing Chad is there to comfort you…

Warnings: none for now (maybe in a part two) some angst, some fluff, slightly suggestive ending but not really, Chad being a girlfriend stealing charmer

Series: Pt.1 , Pt.2

You can’t even remember why you agreed to come to this stupid party. And then you feel a familiar hand on your back, your boyfriend Derek had dragged you here… of course. And that’s not to say you didn’t love your boyfriend, of course you did! He could just be… pushy, sometimes is all. He never got physical with you but he sure was stubborn, and didn’t seem very good at listening to you when you said you “weren’t the constantly going out type” which was true. You enjoyed a good party as much as the next girl but, this was like the fourth one had brought you to this week, and it was literally only Thursday! You didn’t seem to understand how he got the energy for all this.

All of a sudden you’re snapped out of your thoughts when you hear Derek’s voice calling your name. “Y/N, hellooo, you okay there babe?” He was looking at you as you came out of your zoned out state, haphazardly waving his drink in front of your face. You hated when he did that, acting like you were some space case in front of your shared friends. “Yea I’m fine, was just thinking is all.” You answered him semi-sheepishly, already slightly tired from the amount of social interaction you had done so far.

“Well don’t hurt yourself pretty, can’t have that gorgeous skin of yours forming premature wrinkles!” He said that to the other guys with a chuckle. But you didn’t find it very funny. In fact it was pretty damn rude, maybe even the rudest you had ever heard him be towards you. You quickly spun around to face him. “Okay first of all, don’t know where the fuck that came from, and second, what the hell! Is that really how you think you should be speaking to me? In front of our friends no less??” You were mad, and the volume of your voice showed it. Any louder and you would’ve caused a huge scene, which was definitely the last thing you wanted. Derek could only look at you with a shocked smile on his face. “Babe calm down okay? It was just a joke you know that.”

You couldn’t believe he actually had the nerve to say that instead of apologizing. “Well it sure didn’t fucking sound like one! And even if it did, I clearly wasn’t laughing was I?” Your voice was definitely getting a bit louder now, you even felt your face getting hot. And this douchebag still wasn’t taking you seriously. “Woah Woah Woah, where is all this coming from? Are you okay, I mean are- are we okay cause this feels like a fight babe.” He was slightly laughing as he looked around the living room you were in. It seemed like he was just as paranoid about causing a scene as you were.

“Yes this is a fight Derek! I mean my god, I knew I was smarter than you but come on! A cucumber could put that together!” It felt really good to yell at him, probably too good if you were being really honest with yourself. But you were fed up of all the little building instances of disrespect, so this was definitely necessary. “I seriously don’t know what I did wrong, I mean it was just a joke! It was supposed to funny!” Wow was this man clueless, were your standards really that low? “It’s not just about that one “joke” Derek! It’s about all the little stupid and honestly disrespectful things that you keep doing! Like consistently dragging me to these parties, that I keep telling you I don’t want to come to!” Man did it feel good to get that off your chest, however your boyfriend didn’t look too happy about it.

“What are we even doing right now babe, like what is this? Are we breaking up?” He kinda looked sad now, which is why you felt slightly bad for what you were about to say. “Ya know what Derek yes! We’re breaking up because I simply cannot deal with you anymore!” You said, or rather yelled, that in his face before storming off to the kitchen. Hoping to drown your anger in alcohol and maybe some pop tarts or something. Upon making your way to the counter you grab the first bottle of cheap vodka you see and go to start chugging, when a strong hand on your arm stops you. “Woah careful there tiger, you can’t just go chugging random bottles that could be roofied!” The man spoke as he grabbed the bottle from your hand to lower it back down onto the kitchen counter. You spoke fast without even looking up at him. “Well after my last ten minutes spent here, I really don’t care if I do get roofied, or alcohol poisoned, or blackout drunk or whatever! In fact that’s kind of the goal right now so, move along.” You sajd as you made a shooing motion with your hands towards the man before coming face to face with his abs, and then his face. Holy shit he was attractive. Way more so than your now ex-boyfriend Derek…

Your borderline unethical thoughts were interrupted by his voice yet again. “Well I’m Chad, and I gotta ask, what exactly was so bad about the last ten minutes that made you want to completely disregard your safety? Just curious.” He asked you with an air of sarcastic humor, but he honestly seemed pretty sincere and truth be told, you kinda wanted someone to talk to. “Just broke up with my boyfriend that I came here with. Well he actually sorta made me come here because I didn’t really want to, but that’s not important. Point is he was acting like a dick to me in front of our friends then acted totally clueless when I confronted him about, which made me realize that he’s kinda always been a dick soooo yea. That’s how my night’s going.” You finished your ramblings as you slumped yourself against the counter. You felt relieved to be able to say all of that out loud.

Chad just looked at you for a second, mouth slightly agape from your info-dump. “Well, he sounds like he sucks, and you seem pretty cool so, good on you for getting rid of him!” He somewhat awkwardly raised his hand for a high five, which you reluctantly met. You felt bad for being so unenthusiastic about talking to him, I mean he was being so bubbly and outgoing, letting a complete stranger vent about her relationship problems. “Yea he did suck, and thanks for letting me ramble, I’m y/n by the way.” You finally formally introduced yourself as you went to shake his hand, a habit you had picked up while you were learning to be more polite as a kid. “Ah no problem y/n, and I like the handshake it’s very- gentlewomanly.” You chuckled a little at the phrase. This guy was actually pretty charming, and it definitely helped that he was insanely good looking.

“Ya know you’re actually pretty funny and nice for a guy at a frat party. You don’t really see that a lot ya know?” You were making full eye contact with him now, genuinely enjoying your conversation. “Ah yea I get that a lot, guys kinda hate it cause it means I get a lot of attention from woman and it makes them jealous, but I don’t really care. Half of the guys at this party don’t know how to treat women anyway.” He sounded kinda cocky, but truthfully he was right. College guys were dicks, especially ones who came to frat parties. “Sounded to me like your boyfriend was one of them.”

Okay you were not expecting that. But once again, the gorgeous man in front of you wasn’t wrong. You made sure to look in his eyes as you spoke next, noticing something that you didn’t think was there before. “Yea you’re definitely right about that, looking back I have no idea how I even ended up giving him a chance.” Chad seemed to like that answer, which was good because it was true. Derek wasn’t even really your type. The man that was standing in front of you now was, and you had never been more happy to be a single woman. “I mean I don’t even know you all that well yet but I will say that, you’re absolutely gorgeous, so I’m pretty sure any man in here would be no where near your league.”

And there it was, your opportunity. “Oh yea? You think that includes you Chad?” You framed it as a genuine question, but you already knew the answer. You watched as his eyes flicked to your lips for a second, biting the corner of his lip ever so slightly as he spoke. “I mean, that’s all up to you y/n. I can’t speak for you after all.” And with that you had already decided on your next move, you only had to see if he would take the bait. “Yea I guess you’re right… Anyway I kinda don’t wanna be at this party anymore so I’m gonna walk back to my dorm!” You said as you quickly turned heel to start leaving the kitchen, but not before you said one last thing. “You can walk me back if you’d like, ya know since I don’t have Derek to do it anymore.” You watched as Chad stood up straight with a smirk on his face and walked towards you, slinging an arm around your shoulder.

“Oh I can definitely do that.”

A/N: oh this one was funnnn~ I seriously love writing for Chad I just NEED MORE IDEAS!! So seriously send me asks I’m lowkey begging 🙏 but anyway thanks for reading and if y’all want I will def do a part two! Y’all’s wish is my command and all that

-With love, from Miss Grace<3

[lilliumrorum]

Soap with a stoner S/O

A/n: sorry I haven’t checked my inbox, I didn’t think anyone would see my account so I haven’t really been looking, but here you are!!

Soap x Stoner!reader

CW: use of marijuana, Alcohol. Sex is mentioned.

Before you both had even acquainted he could smell it on you

He thought nothing of it at first, believing that someone must have smoked next to you.

it wasn’t until he saw you being reprimanded for being under the influence during a mission that he finally understood.

When you both eventually talked to each other he noticed your glossy red eyes darting back and forth

After breaking the awkward barrier of being just teammates, he was more comfortable with your habit (He’d never really been around weed due to its legality)

He would snag you extra food if you had the munchies

Found it adorable the way you smiled when you ate the food he brought you

If you were ever too stressed he’d offer to pick up your workload so that you could get stoned and relax

The night your relationship changed was when you and the 141 had went out for drinks

Johnny knew you weren’t really a drinker, so he came up with a fun little dare

He walked over to where you sat and ordered you an old fashioned

When you went to question his actions he revealed his plan

He wanted to get as drunk as possible with you, and then once you two headed back to your room he would get high with you.

You didn’t just get drunk, you were hammered

Just kept laughing at your intoxicated state

When you both made it back to your room (he had to drag you) you couldn’t even get your bong because you couldn’t walk. You lazily clutched your hand towards the closet and whined

”What’re ye reachin’ for lass?”

You explained that the bong was too far for you to grab and that you were too dizzy to get up

He let out a laugh and got it for you

Looked at it like it was a fucking Scientific container and frowned when you giggled at him

Was mesmerized when you took it from him and showed him what to do

Actually called you an engineer (its literally the easiest thing and he still brings it up)

When you held it for him he looked into your eyes as you lit the bowl

As soon as he inhaled he almost coughed out his soul

You tried to explain how he can’t swallow it and how he actually has to inhale it

Once he did you made him take a long puff

Gagged at the taste

Snatched the water bottle off of your night stand

Within 5 minutes he was already zoned out

You decided to get baked as well, too drunk to count how many times you hit it

Your vision was still blurred and you were very light headed, words started spilling from both of your mouths

Many of them being things you would not say sober

Soap started babbling about demolitions

Asked if you’ve ever thought of being involved with anyone of your teammates

”I’m jus tryin’ to fill the silence Bonnie”

the silence was imaginary because he’d been talking your ear off

When you admit that you’ve thought of him being involved with you he almost jumped up and off of your bed

Had the biggest most shit eating grin known to man

“In what way lass!?” He asked energetically

”in every way.”

You were way too honest with that answer.

He was too high to even comprehend what you said.

Passed out on your thighs

Now it’s a routine, you both get drunk and high every weekend

Loves high sex

Is very soft during

Also loves cuddling and watching whatever is on if there is a tv

Another note: Sorry, I didn’t know whether to do HC style or to write a Drabble, so I opted for the HC Layout.

[metaldevilll]

viv and palp both being down bad as hell. that’s the post.

and like…. the stupidity that comes with it….. they say or do things in the heat of the moment and then they’re like wait no. like palp catches himself staring and he’s just like “you’re so fuckin ugly” and viv is like what the hell

or like….. one of them watching the other, just completely fuckin enamored, and then something happens that snaps them back out of it- like. palp watching viv fight and viv catches his eye and is like “yo this sucks let’s gtfo” and palpers has to shake his head and like… etch a sketch his brain back into thinking mode instead of Gay mode

viv zoning out and just watching palp do whatever mundane task, palp is talking about whatever and is like “are you even listening” and viv has to be like uhhhh nah. palp is annoyed and viv is flustered cuz he knows why he wasn’t listening, palp doesn’t notice, and then the moment is just gone again….. locked in back to normal

i just really fuckin love the idea of them being so infatuated while also fighting for their lives to pretend they aren’t.. and them just being stupid ass little simps in general. like the drawing of palpers in the dress you made…… viv thinking lgbt thoughts…… genius

i’ll eat any art you make of them like i’m starving so keep it up man they are my lifeblood

no because i get you anon. grabs you by the shoulders and SHAKES YOU!!!!!!!!!!! i think vivilly finds a sad comfort in believing palpers doesn't love him the way he does. like,, it's fine if he thinks gay thoughts cuz it's not like they'll come true anyway. he can dream, right...? so he indulges in those feelings in his own time, while pretending like he only likes palpers as a friend it never strikes him that palpers might feel the same way. he’s thought over different scenarios a million times and while he doesn’t have a response for every silly thing palpers may say, he’s seemingly never caught off guard despite humoring him, kind of playing into the chill sarcastic stoic dude trope. but he’s not. he’s soft and he feels and he loves and the persona is a result of that with palpers i feel like he also does believe that vivilly could never reciprocate. when he looks at vivilly, he never knows what's going on in his brain. they do have their moments that sort of prove they have similar minds, but he never actually knows what vivilly’s thinking imo his brain is empty more often than viv’s is when it comes to thinking of his crush. a sus moment happens and he’s like “holy fuck….” but it’s glossed over almost immediately afterward. things happen in-the-moment for him, and he reacts with his true emotions and has less of a filter than vivilly, he gets louder and more aggressive (not with malicious intent, just in general as a silly guy) essentially they both are going "nah he can't like me... he CANT... THERES NO WAY" and theyre both dead fucking wrong im writing this using how i personally view the characters (my version of the characters? idk), i have a limited perspective and small perception of things (if you played mc with me you’d know…), i misinterpret stuff a lot, so like… idk. maybe it’s totally out of character for how you view them. it’s kind of cool to think about though, that they can be read so many different ways when none of them are inherently incorrect I TOTALLY CAN SEE THEM MINDLESSLY WATCHING THE OTHER ALSO. not caring about what the other might be thinking while looking at them, not noticing the other watching them equally as much… they’re so clueless it’s INFURIATING i like to imagine that when they flirt with each other, it’s always by accident. i can’t imagine them flirting with each other on purpose… like, they’ll be arguing absentmindedly, bickering or maybe laughing about something, one of them says one thing (most likely palpers) that catches the other off guard. they just continue to build off of that and i think the only thing that stops them from going too far is them getting too flustered to continue… they could be like two centimeters away from kissing (and they both want to) but they both back out because they’re about to fuckign explode from emotion “FINE. I’M GONNA- I’M GONNA KISS YOU, BRO.” “OH YEAH??? BE MY FUCKING GUEST, DUDE.” “BET.” “DOUBLE BET.” “T-... TRIPLE BET.” “bro. you gotta get closer than that…” "i know i know, just- give me a second-"

in my opinion the only situation where i can see them ACKSHUALLYYYY confessing is like… the other’s health is in grave danger and it’s a last minute thing where they mihgt fucking lose them so they just tell them everything. viv comes back from a mine or smth on the verge of fucking splurging bleeding out and palpers holds him in his arms and begins sobbing and says i love you please don’t die over and over or something. viv survives but he was half unconscious throughout it so he doesn’t even remember. the pining continues

[pedrospatch]

I just read Run again and I really don’t have the words to describe how much I love that fic. That whole series is so great but that work in particular actually makes me tear up a bit when I read it, like how scared the reader is of never seeing Joel again and Joel being so genuinely distraught at his girl being gone, like the way he goes from being furious at Tess to just pleading with her to tell her where she went. So heartbreaking and then their reunion is so lovely, literally sighed in relief despite the fucked up circumstances.

And oh god I know it would be bad for literally everyone involved but I can’t help but imagine the reader getting pregnant. Like having a baby would be bad obviously but the actual pregnancy would be interesting like Joel is already so fiercely protective of her like it would just be more so when she’s in an even more vulnerable state. And god just the possessiveness that comes with it like now everyone who sees her can see what he’s done to her and that she’s his.

You’ve mentioned before you’ve had ideas for oneshots about early in the reader’s captivity as well as Joel’s pov when he first sees her and I love both those ideas, I’m really so curious as to how that relationship developed.

hello non i’m sorry for the delayed response!

this kind of made my whole day???

i’m really proud of this fic, especially seeing as i truly pushed myself out of my comfort zone. with this whole dark joel universe in general had been a challenge for me, but this fic in particular was—i was in the trenches for months let’s put it that way haha

i don’t think i’d take the pregnancy route with reader, let’s just say the girl should thank her lucky stars it didn’t ehm—stick. however i will say it’s interesting to think about how joel would change if she did happen to get pregnant. i can absolutely see him becoming even more possessive and protective of her and idk i’m just thinking it would mean the end of his raider era?

as far as writing for them during her early days in captivity, i am all for it! i have a couple of ideas, one is already a draft. i’ve also mentioned joel’s pov from the first time he sees reader when he’s scoping out her group’s camp (wah i appreciate you remembering this!) i could definitely make a little drabble of that. exploring how our girl got from point A to point B with joel would be so so so interesting for me and believe me when i say it’s on the table 🫡

[salemcantupdate]

So this is my updated shipping and favorites perspective, given my prior one I no longer agree with.

First things first, I believe in big polycule ship, everyone is together and dating. (Sobs in that’s not the case).

But! My favorite ships that isn’t just massive polycule (preface I am a multishipper):

Gale and Astarion, aka, Bloodweave. Listen, it’s all big now, we all know about it. Opposites but the same, walking the same path, they can make each other so much worse or so much better. Hubris vs self preservation, both essentially having the possibility to become a god. Both have been beaten down and belittled by beings far more powerful than them, one knowing the abuse and the other not. Also the manipulative hatefuck to love would be incredible.

Lae’zel and Shadowheart, aka Silverheart. Classic enemies to rivals to lovers. Both have been mislead and brainwashed by evil female goddesses that demanded total obedience, that both people completely dedicated themselves to until they realized everything they knew was a lie. Whats more romantic than fighting and getting bloody and then fighting over who tops?

Wyll and Karlach, (I don’t know their ship name, may I suggest Devilbound?) is one that I’m still kinda iffy about honestly. I’m not sure if I can see them as explicitly dating, but I can see them being best buddies who fuck sometimes. I can see them making a deal like “If neither of us are married in a decade let’s just marry each other.” Like they aren’t actively in love or awed by each other but there is deep respect and they would fight and die for each other. And I also headcanon that if you romance Karlach and then go to Avernus with her, Wyll HAS to join and it’s gone be a weird little polycule thing I don’t CARE.

So, another thing. I really really like a threesome of Karlach, Lae’zel, and Shadowheart. The Ladies. But like, Lae’zel and Shadowheart both immediately love Karlach. Lae’zel being like “You WILL respect her” and Shadowheart like “She could carry me to safety.” Are they not blatantly simping??? Like I think they would hatefuck and then stare at Karlach and be like “We need her too.” Two scary women and then the golden retriever girlfriend.

Wyll and Astarion isn’t one that really calls to me, though I get the appeal. Monster and monster hunter, Wyll being the hero that Astarion always dreamed of saving him so long ago. So on and so forth. I just prefer a Redeemed Durge playing that role for Astarion?? But I definitely get the appeal.

Wyll and Gale, I haven’t seen anything for. I don’t know if anyone ships them. But listen, these two would try and one up each other in wowing and wooing the other, Gale with the weave and Wyll with the stories of old. Imagine Wyll trying to get old and out-of-shape Gale to dance in his physical body. They are both 100% into worshipping their partner, so them worshipping each other would just be so cute to me.

Now, this one really surprised me. But I really like Karlach and Astarion??? Like, cause, OK. If you romance Astarion as Karlach, you can’t actually have sex with him in his first romance scene cause it’ll burn him. This causes Astarion to panic, immediately forced him out of his comfort zone, and also ensures a route in which you never have to have sex with Astarion??? Which I know I wish I could do in a normal route! So lowkey adore those two. Also, they’re literally black cat and golden retriever??? Someone who literally went through Hell and lost all bodily autonomy for so long but still laughs and smiles and has so much hope compared to someone who was beaten to hopelessness. It’s cute! But I also ship this in specifically the asexual way. They kiss and cuddle and bump heads and are adorable, but I can’t really see them having sex. That’s just me though haha.

Durge and Gortash obviously fucked and were so in love with each other in such a horrible twisted way. If Gortash ordered it, Durge would stay their hand. Durge prayed for forgiveness, begged for it, promised, swore, vowed that he would still kill everyone, kill all. But he was in love, he was obsessed, and Gortash may have been able to pull Durge from Bhaal’s grasp, only for Gortash himself to fall to the depths of depravity. I need more fucked up fics for these, with all the gore dirt and blood. I want it to be like the movie Hellraiser.

Durge and Astarion is by far my favorite for “canon” routes. It’s just, Astarion doesn’t feel like he’s a damsel in distress being saved, he doesn’t want that. He wants to be your equal, he wants to help you, and as Durge you are able to save each other from the hunger, from the urge, from the “monster”, from the Father. Both were created to be a tool, to be used, for a singular purpose to serve. And both break free, and then have the choice. Shall they become what they were made to be? What they are destined to be? Or take a shit on destiny and be truly happy?

Now for bear-daddy Halsin. He’s more difficult, as his story isn’t fully explored in the plot of the game and he was mostly added as a proper companion because he was so popular. Which I’m extremely happy about cause I fucking love him. But! Due to this, it’s hard for me to ship him with anyone. I’ve seen some people argue for Kagha or Rath, but I personally disagree. I do like Astarion and him, or a poly with him, Astarion, and Redeemed Durge. Fighting the “beast within” and all that, Halsin in the more metaphorical sense. BUT, let me offer something up as an idea, a concept if you will. Gale and Halsin. NOW, now, let me explain. This isn’t JUST them being my two favorite romance options and me being sad I can’t be with them both. But! Both were young men suddenly thrust upon with a massive amount of responsibility and faith put in them; Halsin becoming a commander and archdruid as an apprentice during the war against Ketheric, Gale with being chosen by Mystra, taught by her, and then becoming her romantic partner. A literal goddess. And I’m one of the people who headcanon that their interactions started when Gale was a teenager. Gale both believes he is the best and deserves to die, Halsin has never once believed in his ability to lead. Also Halsin explicitly notes he will miss the library at the grove, and GUESS WHAT GALE HAS? A library. But like, imagine Gale making a magic teleportation circle thing that goes from his tower to the middle of the forest with a little cabin that Halsin lives in and they can easily travel and visit each other and fbskfhwkfjw. Also, both of them having weird sex scenes (that I absolutely adore). Gale with astral projection and Halsin with bear. I bet Gale is one of the few companions who’d be like “Oh you’re a bear? Chill, not the weirdest sexual experience I’ve had.” Halsin would also smile and nod along and sip tea and Gale goes on his long long rant and then— gah it could be so cute. Cottagecore meets academia. I’m gonna call their ship name CottageAcademia. I will take criticism on that name. I’m dumb.

Speaking of, if I failed to mention, Halsin and Gale are my absolute favorite romance options. Gale makes me giddy every single play through and I break my heart every time I have to say no to him for a different romance (like Astarion). He’s just… I find him so charming and cute and I love him and I GAJDHAKSHQK.

Anyways, npc involved ships. (Also I can’t say anything about Minthara cause I literally don’t know her, never played evil route)

Karlach and Dammon is cute, but, eh? I don’t get much from it personally. I think Karlach and Alfira would be cuter.

A fucked up ship that I like is Astarion and Raphael. It… yes, I know, it’s terrible, it’s abusive. But it’s juicy, it’s delicious, the best of the poisoned apples. There’s a fic on AO3 that’s just fantastic even though it’s only got two chapters so far, it’s called Palmarosa by thespectaclesofthor

… The Emperor and Gale. LISTEEENNN, it’s just, Gale is the only one ok with mindflayer Tav. And like, Emperor is smart. It’d be funny. Come on.

Another fun fucked up ship that I haven’t seen much of, Minthara and Orin the Red. It’s bad, it’s terrible, it’s so fucked up, but I like it.

Barcus and Wulbren, no, I don’t think it’s healthy. But Barcus clearly loves Wulbren so damned much and I just want the poor stupid gnome to be happy godsdammit all.

Apikusis and Kagha. So, I don’t know if anyone else has spoken to the Druid Apikusis, but she is one of the few druids who is desperately against the rite. And when I spoke to her after, she said she saw the old Kagha in the woman, was desperate that what she saw was true. What if they were girlfriends? Then Kagha fell to the shadow druids, and now that they’re back they can fall back into love? I just see so much possibility in them!

Olly and Rugan got down and dirty after barely surviving the gnolls and I’ll put money on that.

Omeluum and Blurg, they just seem like science husbands. They’re married and I refuse to take criticism on this.

That’s all I can really think of, but for characters I’m just absolutely obsessed with: He Who Was and Abdirak are my favorite npc’s. Gale and Halsin are my favorite companions.

Now, my personal opinion on class/race Tav/Durge romance for each character.

Shadowheart: Selune Cleric for obvious reasons, race I don’t think super matters. But I do like Durge, connect on amnesia. Just figure out how cleric and a Durge works haha.

Lae’zel: Githyanki who defected from the gith and has been living peacefully in hiding until recently (so a class that gives peaceful options) Tav

Astarion: Redeemed Durge, any race any class. I’m personally doing a Drow Spore Druid. But a paladin or cleric could also be super cute.

Gale: Wild Sorcerer / Bard, and I personally prefer gnome? But any race is still fine. Also Tav or Durge work fine to me, he’s gonna be a big simp. Though, I do personally like the idea of you becoming the mindflayer in this route. He would use magic to disguise you and it’d be cute

Wyll: Tiefling Bard… I know it’s the first that’s so specific but come on. He becomes a devil, he loves stories of old, y’all dance together. I think it’s cute. I also prefer Tav here, I just can’t see a circumstance where he looks past the murder of Alfira to romance a Durge.

Karlach: Honestly she’s the one I’m least sure over, other than I like being smaller for her. I also like the idea of a paladin / bard for her?

Halsin: Literally anyone and anything as long as you’re down to fuck a bear.

These are all just my own opinion, added it cause I know sometimes I wanna see what other people think is the best “romance route” for a character.

But that’s the closing! These perspectives might change again, but for now this is my thoughts on everything shipping and romance related (that isn’t explicitly canon).

[kinzig81]

COMMISSION INFO / PRICES

Please Help

Hello,

Sorry for my lack of posts and slowness to getting back to peeps on AF.

There is currently a fatal health scare in my family, and I am scrambling to do what I can to help. Medical bills are stacking up and getting ugly and I have to assume the worst. I want to do anything I can to make money to help, my family means the world to me and has helped me through so much. My heart is breaking.

I am scared and lost, the world is at a stand still.

Although nothing is confirmed yet, we are preparing for the worst because sadly, the disease is genetic in my family. So there is a more likely chance of it being passed down. We won’t know until the end of the week. These hours of not knowing and uneasiness are killing me and I know this week will be rough and long.

I don’t want to get too much into detail, sharing info like this is not my usual and is way out of my comfort zone. I just don’t know what else to do other than desperately applying for jobs and doing one-off/temporary contracting work/assistance.

So please, if you can commission me, it would help my family in trying to avoid a huge, painful loss. It would mean the world to me.

If an art commission doesn’t interest you, I’m currently working on a canine head base. I’d be willing to make another for $75 (Price is negotiable). It would take about 4-5 days to make.

I can only ship within US, if someone is interested I will list it on Mercari (it’s just easier for me to list it there and makes sure everything goes smoothly and quickly). Shipping would be $4.99 I believe.

Check out the base on my TikTok, same handle @Kinzig81 to see my base example. Ofc, small changes I can do, like bigger ears or somethin.

This month, and this month ONLY I’m willing to negotiate prices if your a bit short on one of my listed items.

Going along with that.. all money I earn during this month-July 2024-will be put towards my family’s medical situation.

If you can’t commission me, reblogging, sharing, and liking would help me greatly.

If you have any questions about commissioning me, please don’t be scared to DM me. I’d be happy to answer and questions you have.

Commision Info:

Headshot/Bust: $3-$29

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Flat: $6

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Rendering: $25

Additional Character: $3

Complicated character fee: $1

HEADSHOT/BUST EXAMPLES

Half body: $5-$41

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Flat Color: $8

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Fully Shaded: $22

Rendering: $33

Additional Character: $5

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HALF BODY EXAMPLE

Full Body: $6-$66

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Flat: $16

Flat Shade: $21

Fully Shaded: $29

Rendering: $36

Additional Character: $6

Complicated character fee: $4

Solid Color BG: Free Simple: Free

Scenery: $20 (I am new to drawing detailed backgrounds but I will do my best)

FULL BODY EXAMPLES

Simplistic Animated Pixel Icon: $30-$58

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Additional Animation (Props, expression change, ect.): $12+

(Please let me know what you have in mind to give you a solid price) ^^

Complicated designs have an additional $6 dollar fee

(If you're not sure about your oc being complicated please feel free to ask!)

Additional character: $10

SIMPLISTIC ANIMATION ICON EXAMPLE

Sona Speech bubble/Yapper: $6

All sona speech bubbles must be a half body or headshot, if it were any bigger you wouldn’t be able to make out any details. This will be done in a more simplistic, chibi style compared to the rest of my work to make it look even better from far away or when shrunken down.

Please keep in mind it may look cruddy close up because it’s a small file, when it’s actually posted it will look fine.

(If you have an idea for something else other than a speech bubble lmk!)

SONA SPEECH BUBBLE EXAMPLE

PAGE BANNER: $45-$100

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This is all just an estimate so please DM me for a proper quote <3

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WHAT I CAN AND CAN NOT DO

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I CAN DO:

☆ Suggestive

☆ Ponies

☆ Furries / Anthro or Feral / Digi or Planigrade

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I CANT DO:

☆ NSFW

☆ Mecha

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[lajulie24]

1, 17, 30 for the fic asks!

1. What fic of yours would you recommend to someone who had never read any of your work? (In other words, what do you think is the best introduction to your fics?)

This is a tough question, because I really do try to kind of mix things up in my fics these days, so there are a few examples that might work well as a starting point. But I think Cover Me is a good example of the early-relationship Han and Leia I try to write — a good team, friends before they become lovers, struggling a little with whether getting together is a good idea or not, but ultimately fitting together really well. And bonus Springsteen references, since, as we know, he is a popular Corellian singer and Han is a fan.

17. What highly specific AU do you want to read or write even thought you might be the only person to appreciate it?

As far as an AU that basically takes Han and Leia and puts them into roles from another property, I’ve long wanted a Dirty Dancing AU. Maybe not the whole movie, maybe just the part where they finally admit their feelings for each other and then have a dance scene that turns into a love scene. Or maybe just Leia telling Han, “I’m doing all this to save your ass and what I’d really like to do is drop you on it!” Similarly I think a The Cutting Edge AU could be fun solely for Han and Leia being in “the ultimate love/skate relationship”. Also as I was thinking of this question I decided it would be really fun to put Han and Leia in an X-Files AU where they are two detectives in the GFFA solving X-Files mysteries (some of which are probably the work of a Sith Lord or random Force nonsense — I think Han might end up having to be the Scully sometimes in this scenario).

I’m not sure if I would categorize this as fully an AU so much as me just rejecting the post-ROTJ canon, but I have sort of daydreamed a post-ROTJ story where Leia decides fairly early on that being a politician and diplomat is great, but that she’s actually going to be more help to the ideals she and the Rebellion fought for if she takes a very different role. So she and Han (and maybe Luke, too, and Chewie when he’s not hanging out with his family) bum around the galaxy on the Falcon and she works on things like helping slavery liberation movements and supporting refugees and advocating alongside worlds who were especially devastated by the Empire to help them have a voice in the new government and get what they need. It kind of ends up being a Jedi thing except if the Jedi weren’t so chained to the Republic and had more leeway to help folks around the galaxy. They make use of Han’s contacts and skills and Leia studies to be a Jedi and every so often she hangs out with the Alderaanians to help them out too (although the Alderaanians also sort of make this their collective mission, too, once they are able to get a more stable foothold in the galaxy).

30. Have you ever written something that was out of your comfort zone? If so, what was it, and how did it affect your approach to writing fic thereafter?

Several times! Even though I have written quite a bit of smut by now, it took me a long time before I tried it, and it’s always a little out of my comfort zone. As you know, I recently wrote smut that included some acts that…I hadn’t written about before and that made me go “OMG holy shit I cannot believe I actually wrote that” — in something in the way you move (makes me feel like I can’t live without you).

How did it affect my approach to writing thereafter? Well, I think each time I’ve tried something new, particularly in my out-of-my-comfort-zone smut writing, I’ve realized that the only way to do it is to just take yourself through it, step by step. I can’t think of it as “okay now I’m going to write Leia fucking Han” as a whole giant scene because that just makes me come to a complete stop. Depending on whose POV I’m writing, I’ve learned that the smut works better if I focus on what the POV character is noticing, what they’re feeling both physically and emotionally, and imagine each step they take in the scene (and skip over / gloss over steps that aren’t particularly relevant). Then it’s more real than movie-screen sex but not quite so real that we need to know every single detail like you would if you were doing this to someone in real life. And also, I found that when I wrote smut more often, I actually got better at it and liked writing it more.

Thank you kindly for the ask!

Fanfiction writer asks!

[sixty-silver-wishes]

having a lot of international friends and looking through old discord dms with them is wild because it’s like

- “lol look at this meme”

- “haha it’s so funny how our first languages have similar quirks”

- “can I open up to you about this issue that’s been bothering me?”

- “let’s work out a time that works for both of us to chat since we live in different time zones”

- “HOW ARE YOU STILL AWAKE”

- “wow, talking about the weather is actually really cool when people live in different climates”

- “look at these cool pictures I took on vacation”

- “can you help me translate this?”

- “dang; that sucks. I wish I could fly over to comfort you in person right now”

- “lol I made cookies and wanted to ask if you wanted any, and then I remembered you live across an ocean from me”

- “isn’t it crazy how technology lets us communicate instantly from so far away, and we use it to send memes and stupid stuff”

- “we should meet up one day; I’ll show you around”

- “your connection is cutting out; lemme pause the movie”

- “wait isn’t it like 2 am where you live”

- “I can’t believe we have messages from like five years ago; wow”

- “I just read the news about what happened in your country; are you okay? I don’t completely understand the situation but I’m here if you need me; don’t feel pressured to respond but I just want to know that you’re safe”

- “hey; I know this meme is old and I sent it to you before, but it still makes me think of you”

- “I drew you a picture since I wanted to get you a gift, but I can’t mail anything to your country”

- “don’t worry about your grammar/pronunciation/accent; you speak my first language really well! but if you want, we can try to talk in your language too; I’ve been practicing”

- “what’s going on in your country? the news is saying lots of different things and I don’t know what to believe”

- “we’ll be okay. we’ll get through this”

- “omg look at this funny post”

- “thanks for being here. you’re a really good friend. I wish we could meet in person”

- “the weather where you live is WHAT”

- “you’re probably asleep right now, but I just read the news again, so when you see this, I just want to know if you’re doing all right”

- “omg your pets are so cute”

- “today is a holiday for you, right? how was it?”

- “wow; those pictures you sent are so pretty”

- “look at this stupid cat gif”

- “read the news again; are you doing okay?”

[piperslovebot]

My current feelings on the T9S ships (updated)

I made this a few months ago and I thought since s2 is out, I can do this again.

Jay/Leia - I ship them even harder this season than the last because we get to see just how rock solid their relationship is. It’s like how Formciotti was a budding relationship in s1 and in s2, we see them mature. And I love their ‘I love you' arc! It’s so angsty and obstacle filled yet so them! I love how much Jay was willing to do to prove that he's changed. I can easily say that after watching this season that I can’t imagine Jay nor Leia with anyone else.

Gwen/Nikki - Still my otp of otps. I'm so happy to see more scenes of them just like I wanted. Nikki actually gets upset at Gwen for lying and the latter apologizes and is there for her. Their plot in Baby Baby Baby was also SO GOOD. It just proves why Gwen is Nikki's best option. Gwen challenges Nikki to get out of her comfort zone, and take risks. And Nikki is good for Gwen too! I feel like aside from Cole, Nikki really brought out Gwen's soft side this season. I actually have a feeling they'll end up being a thing. I hope they do.

Gwen/Cole - They were so sweet together imo. I loved seeing Gwen navigate a relationship for the first time, and I really like Cole. He’s such a sweetheart and makes Gwen really happy. I hope we see more of them in part 3. This is the only valid het ship for Gwen as far as I’m concerned.

Gwen/Leia - I love their dynamic, but I don’t ship them romantically anymore this season. They had cute moments, but for the most part, that romantic tension was gone this season. I do love seeing their friendship growing stronger and they truly remind me of Jackie and Donna, especially in the episode where Leia gives Gwen relationship advice.

Nikki/Leia - I honestly don’t know. I like how things were handled with them when it came to the Nate shit, and I loved their hug in the premiere 🥰. I'm not exactly in love with Nikki saying that Leia was "clueless" and like "a doll that was wished to life yesterday" (she’s not wrong tho since girlie was sheltered after till '95 😂) and obviously there’s the Nate stuff haha. But I like the bones we got and I think it'll be cool to see more of them in part 3.

Jay/Ozzie - I love their friendship, but I can’t see them romantically anymore, even if I didn’t only see Jay and Leia with each other 😂. I don’t see Ozzie being into Jay tbh, but who knows? Anything can happen.

Ozzie/Etienne - Etienne, you dickhead lol. Him dumping Ozzie through a phone call is so shitty and Ozzie deserves better.

Jay/Nate - Still love them. Even though Jeia is my heart, I still get Janate feels haha. I love how Jay was there for Nate during his breakup with Nikki. One thing about Jay Kelso is unlike his father, he's loyal as fuck haha. I really love their friendship in this season and I can’t wait to see more in part 3. No one gets Nate the way Jay does.

Nate/Leia - At this point, I only want them as Hyde/Donna friendship. Them being a couple at this point imo would make no sense. Both of them admitted it was just a heat of the moment thing and that they want Nikki and Jay. They still have great chemistry tho haha.

Nate/Nikki - I like their storyline a lot better this season. With them finally breaking up, Nate apologizing to Nikki, and their fwb arc. And they were so carefree and happy around one another.

But as a couple, I don’t want them back. It's like, they both are still on different pages when it comes to their futures; and I've talked how I believe that Nikki's current views on her future make them more incompatible so I'm not gonna do that again haha. Plus I feel like if they got back together, all that carefreeness and joy would be gone and they'd go back to constantly fighting.

I much rather them as friends or fwb than them becoming a couple again.

[yourcaramelfairy]

Imposter Syndrome

I typically shy away and try my best to stay out of situations where I feel like I will be uncomfortable. But then I took this new job and I knew that it would push me out of all the comfort zones. But it wasn’t supposed to be this heavy, this is a work from home job. But now, here I am, sweating through my sweats in anxious anticipation as the flight got closer and closer to Hawai’i. As I got closer to meeting my coworkers for the first time ever. After faking it til I made it. 

Now, here we are. Can I continue to fake it until I make it? Will all of my coworkers see me as the fraud that I feel like?  Why am I so scared? So anxious? So nervous? Do I not deserve to be here? Or maybe I don’t believe that I’m in the right place. 

I did a pull before I left this morning. Pulled from my goddess deck to see who I could call out to, who I could talk to when I’m not feeling myself. I got Aeracura. Goddess of blooming. And I saw it as a great sign. I saw it as a way to help guide me through my breakthrough with my coworkers. To help me get out of my bubble and blood into what I know I can be. I had hope. 

But as the plane gets closer and closer to the destination. I’m more aware of how I’m sweating through my hoodie. How I can smell myself, even though I was in denial, thinking it was the man in front of me. I’m sitting here freaking out and doing my breathing exercises to calm down. But, the tears are still stinging behind my eyes. 

I felt anxious days before this. Probably why I was so slow at finishing up packing. Because like I kept saying, this all felt so surreal. Growing up, I knew we weren’t struggling but I also knew that we were vacationing at home in Nola while my friends were taking actual trips. Me getting excited to skip school for Mardi Gras, but sinking into my seat when people talked about the places they went overseas. Loving the fact that my mom married into the military, because I’d be able to brag about being a military brat, regardless of only ever being to Louisiana, Texas or Florida. My first time further north was moving because of my stepdad. 

And I still hate conversations about where I’ve been. I judge myself because I don’t have the same experiences as any one else. And I know I know, everyone has their own experiences. But have you ever been on the receiving end of a stare from somebody who is finding out you haven’t been anywhere before. They say with great exasperation “oh, you’ve never been xyz” or you should go to xyz, like I can pick up and easily move. Have you ever been on the receiving end of a “you’ve never had a passport before?” The stares, the questions, the feeling like you are being reduced to where you’ve been and not for who you are. 

I’m so anxious and tears are stinging and I’m freaking out more and more. I’ll try my best to be strong when I get around all these people that I feel like a fraud around. I’ll try not to shrink myself down so that I won’t have to answer questions that might reveal who I am. I want to be proud, I hate not feeling proud of how far I’ve made it. I need to stop reducing my own feelings. I need to stop reducing my experiences because they don’t add up to anyone else’s. 

But it’s not like I can turn around now. Definitely can’t run away. I’ll just have to smile and continue to fake it until I make it. Work on my breathing exercises. Work on writing my feelings down as the hit. Letting myself feel but not letting it overwhelm me…but damn would I kill for something to take the edge off…at least I know that alcohol takes me out of my shell…let’s just hope I stay responsible and don’t let my secret out. 

And time slowly counts down and down and down, as we get closer and closer and closer, and my pits have turned into waterfalls…

[wanderinglotus7]

Knock Knock...Is U Okay

ANXIETY. Anxiety you’re becoming a close friend that I’m not sure that I want you around. Actually, I definitely don’t want you around. I don’t need a cuddle buddy like you. Man, my body & mind have been going through it lately. If it isn’t one thing it’s another. I didn’t realize how much my anxiety was impacting me until I spoke with my brother, and he said he could hear the anxiety coming thru the phone. OUCH! I tried to explain to him and others what’s been going on recently in my life, but they just don't understand. You can’t fully understand something until you experience it for yourself.

HOME. I don’t have a home. No, I’m not homesick. I’m not rushing to return to Gloucester anytime soon full time. Boston isn’t home for me. I don’t feel like I belong here. I’ve been giving myself time to adjust to this new environment I’m living in, but the energy of this place isn’t settling right within inside of me. Mixing & mingling hasn’t been the greatest experience for me thus far. HECK! The dating scene around here sucks in my opinion. It has been disappointment after disappointment. No wonder some single people these days just want to give up and remain single or end up settling for someone or something. Things have to get better right...? I can at least say that I went on a decent date a few weeks ago that ended up being very pleasant. However, the end result equated to me being ghosted again. Yet, I already had a feeling by the end of the night that was going to happen. So, when that individual did what he did, I wasn’t too surprised. It’s all a game that I’m not interested in playing. Sad to say that date was my first date too (bummer).

I believe my recent struggles with anxiety is connected to loneliness. I miss human connection. And I mean human connection outside of the work context. My brother told me I sound bored and need to get a hobby. Again, he just doesn’t understand. Try moving to somewhere new that is hundred miles away from everything that you’re familiar with; to an area where you have no ties (no family nor friends), during a pandemic, and basically recreating your life from scratch. Trust me, I’ve been putting myself out there. I’m not confining myself to my apartment or only going out if it’s related to work or errands. I’m socializing to the best of my ability with the small circle I do have and with the limited time & energy I have in my reserve. I don’t care what anybody says, making friends as an adult is difficult especially when other people want to remain in their small bubbles. Since living here, I noticed that not too many people are willing to step outside their comfort zone. Unlike me, I like to step outside my box from time to time. That’s the only real way to grow and experience the world. On the other hand, I’m not going to place myself in situations knowing that I’m not going to be welcomed or I’m not going to enjoy myself in desperation for creating friendships. 

ONE DEEP BREATH. My brother told me it sounds like I have no goals for myself which is wrong. I do have goals, but at this point they are more long-term goals than short-term goals. And most of those long-term goals are somewhat dependent on having another person involved in my life and I haven’t met that person yet. And another goal I have for myself right now is resolving my health issues which I might be receiving some answers this week (hopefully good news). There’s nothing wrong with having goals. I also don’t want to rush my life away being so goal oriented too. Honestly, I’m somewhat enjoying not having to worry about the next steps in my life that’s the survival mode speaking. I no longer want to live in survival mode. I’m not spending the rest of my life chasing after a bag ($).

So, this is me.

[rainbowmoodring]

Fresh Meet Three Days Ago

(trigger warnings!)

I’m shaking already I’m trembling And all I’m doing is remembering But I want to run.

With each crack, Slap, smack, Whap, I can feel it. In my feet, in my chest, In my nightmares.

I can feel his hand Collide with my bare Ass cheek, A young screaming child, Never beaten by a Real parent. But just the once, By one married in, For who knows what. I can’t remember, But I remember.

And I feel his hands, Huge on me, Often Massaging my back before bed, A comforting feeling Until my shirt slides up And his fingers slide down The sides of my ribcage, Too close to my child Chest. Not yet breasts. I held my breath for What felt like Hours. If I asked him to stop, Would he get mad? Would he yell again? Would he hit me again? Would he shoot me?

Would he do worse, Strip me down and Do worse? I looked painfully Similar To the desktop background Of his profile On our family computer. A young, Long blonde-haired girl Stood among grass, Wearing nothing. A child. Like me.

Why did he choose that? What did he think about? Did he think about me that way? What if I told my mom? Would she believe me?

Every source of impact I witnessed at Erota Jolted through me Like I’d been the victim, Not those willing Participants. And I joked about Passing out or throwing up, But I might have, Had we not moved. I was frozen, Shaking still as I write, Clenching the safety Of a trusted hand beside me. I watched a little, But it didn’t take long Before I had to shut my eyes. It stole my breath But left the pounding, Thudding heartbeat.

They say it's not as painful As it sounds. The first time is the worst, But it gets better. You get used to it. You grow to like it. Is that a promise, Or a threat?

I’d seen scenarios Of myself getting stripped, Beaten, Harassed, Groped, Worse and worse Til death, And worse In my troubled mind, Since as far back As I can honestly recall.

The earliest Images of men With x-ray binoculars Peering through my bedroom walls, Through my sheets, Through my clothes, And they’d thrill When I clamped my legs shut And shook until I fell asleep.

Fresh Meat. It doesn’t come any fresher Than a child, A young person.

And it messed me up.

I have had my share Of unwanted Touches, Advances, Like many others. And each one haunts me Still.

Family, Friends, Partners, Acquaintances, Strangers, Nightmares.

And my worst fear Has been mine All my life.

So while I am still glad That I went, And learned a lot, And got out of my comfort zone, And had a steady hand to squeeze, I didn’t expect To remember.

I wanted to focus on the beauty Of what was bustling Around us. The shapes of bodies, The laughter, Confidence, Vulnerability, Joy, Instruction, Pride Of these strangers, Of you. You looked so vibrant, Somehow glowing in all black, Radiant in the light. So curious and engrossed. And I tried, And I was engrossed in Them, too. I couldn’t stop staring, And that made me feel Gross. And I would confront that, To remind myself That it was really beautiful, Actually, That they wanted to be seen, And that part of me Was extremely jealous.

To imagine being so exposed, So vulnerable, In shocking pain That somehow felt amazing… My vivid imagination Can do a lot, But it can’t make me Stop shaking. Can’t stop my flinching At the impact, That I would never expect From you. Ever. But in my nightmares, Anything is fair game, And I’m a naked, Restrained deer, Pleading for death Instead of -

I’m always just the soft one, The prude, The ace in the corner With tingles up his sleeve, That can barely handle Taking his shirt off, So willingly, But blank-screening Soon after. Who does that? What can I give to make you keep me? What of me do you want So you won’t push me away? I normally push away, Because being let go, When I feel so strongly, Would be so much worse. But I would understand, It would make sense. I am not kind to myself, Although I am working hard on it, But it doesn’t feel like it. Do you feel it? Do I make you want to keep me Anyway? Does this version of me, Needy and grasping, Feel obsessive Or suffocating? I know you hate that. And while I would not end my life, As I said, If we part, I didn't tell you about The bathtub in college. (A single attempt For different reasons.) I didn't want to ruin the mood Of our limited time. Not to worry about that now, I will always tell you, And you may always ask.

I am bird-minded. Gifts, gifts, gifts, Signs that I think of you often, And hope you fill your space With pieces of me. I will dance (poorly) For you, Sing (poorly) For you, Try to show my best colors And peek at my soft down. Your nest looks safe Enough to sleep. Otherwise I'd fly off.

I often, truly, Imagine myself being Bold. Flirtatious. Daring. Experimental. And while I can Occasionally Manage to flirt (Not well), The most I tend to offer Is just being happy to be there, In a safe embrace, Knowing that I won’t be Killed or worse today. Not by you.

It’s all I can manage for now. And it makes me feel Pathetic. Weak. Inexperienced and stupid, Ignorant to the ways of being An adult. A child.

But even the child Can’t escape it.

So how could I now? What if I’ve been lying to myself? What if I’m wrong?

What if I’ve always been right?

Forgive me when I peer Into your face, Searching for the kindness You always show me, The patience, The lack of expectation, The support and comfort That I struggle to show myself. Because I don’t know If I can ever meet you Where you’re at. I don’t know if I want to, And it makes me feel Terrible. That being so tender with someone Feels like I don’t give enough, That it just isn’t Enough For anyone. It may take a lifetime of Reassurance, If you’re willing.

Forgive my restless limbs, Saving me from falling When I fall asleep. That signal when I panic, Uncontrolled And embarrassing. An indicator That a storm of convulsions Might be looming.

You would never. Never say these things to me. You are so kind, And I don’t understand. And you say the same, We’re such odd Little mirrors Sometimes. Reflecting back at each other Or one at the back of another.

And god I commend you. For working through your own. For being vulnerable with me In our own ways. For choosing to stay, A million miles away.

The therapist, empath, sensitive soul, Whatever, In me Loves so much That people can hear the crack Of a whip, The slap of leather, And turn their awful Into something wonderful. But pain is not something I have tolerance for, And I don’t think I want Anything to do with Building it up, In that case.

And then a part of me sneers, Scoffs at my reluctance To TRY, why don’t you? Don’t you want him to be happy?

But he’s happy with me as I am.

Don’t you want to free yourself From fear, Expectation, Limits?

But some of these are fine, And healthy. I don’t need to compromise myself For others. He won't ask me to.

Don’t you see what you’re missing out on? Don’t you want to know what it’s like to feel The joy That they feel?

But others’ happiness isn’t mine. Even when his happiness is.

You’re scared of everything. You’re scared you’ll be hurt so bad, You’ll scar and never be the same. You’re scared you’ll love it so much, You’ll never be satiated again, Lose an identity you cling to, Lose yourself and your control. You’re scared you’ll lose him to The people you want him to feel Comfortable with physically, Because having someone else Who isn’t, Is too much of a burden After a while. You’re scared you’ll try something And hurt someone else. Get a disease. You’re scared someone will Misunderstand. Of course they will. You’re so fucking scared. You’re scared he’s lying, Even though you know You KNOW He’s not, Because that’s what your horrible brain Says To make you feel worse. Even though everything he does Everything he does Everything Is done with compassion. He loves you, god dammit.

He chooses you Every day.

Even if there are others. Especially if there are. (It's one of the cool things about A poly relationship. I don't have to be the only one, And so the pressure Is off. Right?)

God dammit.

If he minded that you trembled When you sat on him, Your bare chests Facing each other For the first time, He wouldn’t have gently laughed, And continued to praise you As you laid shaky kisses to his skin, Palms brushing over his stomach While holding your weight. He wouldn’t have stopped you When you couldn’t speak Or sit up from his chest, Realizing you were fizzling Before you realized it Yourself. He wouldn’t have done that. Because he’s good. He’s kind. He does not ask For what you can’t give. (Can’t or won’t?) (Shut the fuck up.) If I could give him more of me, I would do so willingly, Because he means that much. But he understands And he does not ask more, Just lets me explore And get myself even remotely Comfortable.

I dream that one day I’ll be Easier to manage. I won’t shake. I’ll be more sure of what I want And maybe have learned To trust Myself And he And others More. Learned more nice feelings, Sensations, Found new boundaries. But for now I give you all I can. It is so little. And still, you don’t press. You just press your body up to mine, The warmth and pressure Safe. Fucking safe. God dammit. I didn’t know I could feel so safe.

So while I’m watching The hot wax, The electric fingernails, The rope and the tails and the straps, And the bodies, And the expressions, I am hearing, “How are you feeling?” “Do you want to go somewhere quieter?” “Are you alright?” “Do you want to stay much longer?” “I have learned about myself, What about you?” “How are you feeling?” “I’m right here.” “You can keep holding my bag, If you need to.” “You’ve got this.” “This is a lot. Are you okay?” “I’m following you tonight. I’m here with you.” “I’m nervous, too.” “Are you okay? I can feel you shaking. Should we move?”

“Are you okay?”

“You did it. We survived!”

I did. We did. I wasn't the only nervous one, Your distractions on the way Helpful to us both. I would do everything To make you feel as safe As you do me, Always.

And I’m glad I went, really. And I’m glad you held me Then And when we got home.

Because my research And imagination Can take me anywhere, Into wild and bold Situations that may never happen, But it can’t take me anywhere close To melting In your gentle But secure arms.

Thank you for taking me with you. I’m sorry I feel the need to apologize. Thank you. I’m sorry. Thank you, thank you, thank you. For learning with me.

I hear your echo, “I am not good At being wanted.” And I have always Resonated.

Thank you for staying so long, Thank you for loving me. Thank you for listening, Whether it's a spew like this, Or silence.

I cried a lot writing this.

I don’t know how to end it. I guess this is fine.

-

4.8.24

[cflsblog]

How do you move on? You move on when your heart finally understands that there is no turning back.I’ve spent so much time in my head and in my heart that I forgot to live in my body.No matter what happens, no matter how far you seem to be away from where you want to be, never stop believing that you will somehow make it. Have an unrelenting belief that things will work out, that the long road has a purpose, that the things that you desire may not happen today, but they will happen. Continue to persist and persevere.Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what’s going to happen next.I guess that's just part of loving people: You have to give things up. Sometimes you even have to give them up.I’ve spent my whole telling myself I was capable of great things and able to do anything I set my mind to.

The only problem is that I’ve always put off accomplishing what I wanted.

Something always came up, the time was never right and it seemed life got in the way every time.

Well, I’m not okay with that any more.

I’m lighting the fire under my passion and turning the page in that chapter-

Actually no, I’m starting a whole new book.

No more “maybe tomorrow” or “if only” and forget “when the time is right.”

I’ve made those excuses all my life and it’s never done me a bit of good.

So, I’m flipping the script and changing the chapters.

I’m done with doing things the way I’ve always done and expecting my life to be any different.

This is a new day, a new direction and a new choice..

To start being true to myself, listening to my heart and finally start doing instead of just wanting.

I can’t expect anything to change if I don’t change how I approach my life.

I’m taking the chances, I’m stepping out, speaking up and leaving my comfort zone behind.

Sure, it scares me to death but then, if it didn’t, then I would be doing it all wrong.

If I do what I’ve always done then I’ll get what I’ve always had.

No more.

I’m capable of more, I deserve more and now for the first time, I’m going after it.

I won’t look back with regret wishing I had done whatever it took to be happy, find purpose and change my life.

Sometimes, it’s the little things in little ways that edge me closer to where I want to be.

Put enough of those little steps together and they’ll add up to be one big step.

This is my time to start doing instead of wishing I had.

One small step, one day, one dream at a time,

I’ll get there..

And it all starts with me.

It always has.

|ravenwolf

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