#this is probably thanks to my neurotypical brain

[harrietmjones]

Okay, so I was having a shower and my mind begun to wonder. I ended up connecting Luke Kirby to himself, through various projects/actors.

This was only because I decided to watch The Princess Diaries as well, so very random!

Okay, so here we go:

Luke Kirby worked with Michelle Williams in Take This Waltz

Michelle Williams worked with Hugh Jackman in The Greatest Showman

Hugh Jackman worked with Anne Hathaway in Les Misérables

@twistandturnaway

Anne Hathaway worked with Mandy Moore in The Princess Diaries

Mandy Moore worked with Zachary Levi in Tangled

Zachary Levi worked with Luke Kirby in The Marvelous Mrs Maisel

(Also, Sandra Oh appeared in The Princess Diaries and she went to the same drama school as Luke, National Theatre School of Canada in Montreal.)

Nearly did a full round just through movies but TMMM changed that. 😅💖

I used to do this kind of thing when I was younger, get someone to say two actors and I’ll try and connect them through projects (we’d make it even harder by saying to do it through just tv shows or just movies). Maybe I’ll do this again?

[xaymak]

i think about asian link all the time. theyre asian to me like... "oh its not realistic theyre pale and blue eyed and blond" do u wanna know whats unrealistic. in the legend of zelda series thats fantasy/adventure. the way no ones just moved out of hyrule already just make a bridge and leave!!!! place keeps getting overrun!!! leave!!!!!!!!

[deadmomjokes]

Idk who needs to hear this, but caffeine immediately making you sleepy instead of energizing you is not just a fun quirk. You probably have ADHD.

I'm not talking about the crash that comes after it wears off, or the soothing nature of your daily coffee routine. I'm not talking about how you can build up a tolerance to where caffeine no longer effects you at lower doses, so you stay tired.

I mean if you can't let yourself drink soda or coffee before driving because it makes you sleepy within 10-45 minutes after, or you've always wondered how people can chug a Starbucks and then get to work because every time you've tried you start feeling all sluggish and Suspiciously Peaceful, that is not a normal response.

Caffeine is a stimulant. It should stimulate you. Unless you have ADHD, in which case a stimulant chills the background brain noise and you suddenly feel a lot calmer, at which point your body goes "Oh thank goodness" and pushes the Sleepy button. That's why people with ADHD get chiller and more focused on Adderall, whereas neurotypicals will get famously spastic and twitchy.

So if you've always been that weirdo who doesn't drink Coke because you have a long drive home and you don't want to risk driving drowsy, or you can have a nice warm cup of coffee in the evening and go right to bed, go to a doctor, my dude. You probably have ADHD.

[meo-eiru]

Silas has got me feeling brain rot so bad, He's got me psychoanalysing him.

I don't know if it's just me putting my own experiences of growing up neurodiverse but he does show some parallels.

You said in one of your posts that elves find silas "off" (just like a lot of neurotypical children do with neruodiverse children) which means that he most likely had no friends growing up as well as the fact that his parents didn't really give him love either leaving him isolated which could of stunted certain aspects of his cognitive growth i.e emotional intelligence (in cases such as not understanding the reasoning for the reader rebelling against him or how to successfully stop it in a proper way),

All this meant that the only thing to keep him company was his hyperfixation on humans. He probably spent most of his life imagining living among humans and maybe even imagining his own human friends/family.

Which is why Silas gets so transfixed on the reader when he first sees them. They are a physical manifestation of what he's hyper fixated on for hundreds of years, the concept of them being the only thing that has kept him company for all that time.

I don't even know if this makes any sense, I'm sleep deprived and its 5am where I'm at.

Aaaaaaa thank you for the analyses this was so fun to read!

I definitely agree with your points, Silas being so neurodiverse coded wasn’t intentional on my part but I’m happy if he ended up being relatable to you guys :D

I’m not neurodiverse myself so I wouldn’t want to deny or confirm anything but it’s definitely a very fun and fitting headcanon I can get behind!

[youcouldmakealife]

2024 Writing Wrap

Well, my goal for 2024 was 225,000 words, and I did exceed that, so I believe that is what we call a success. Never mind that my ~secret goal was 250k and that the 225k goal was just in case anything came up. And it did. So that is technically still a success! So I’m trying not to be grumbly about it.

What I’m not grumbly about at all is how, exactly, that final word count broke down by project (actual numbers below).

I don’t think the COTT and SAIT word counts could be closer than if I’d been intentionally trying to balance them. Which, I cannot stress enough, I was not. I was actually expecting a 2:1 COTT v SAIT ratio, mostly because, well, SAIT hasn’t been easy to write at times, and I was fully prepared for that to continue. But then something happened. I won’t investigate it too closely — gift horses, etc — but the floodgates finally broke, and a character that was so reluctant to speak honestly about himself and his life that it left him (and me) mute was suddenly willing to talk.

(We all know what happened. Robbie Lombardi happened.)

So, coming into this year I set myself a 13 part (approx 27.5k) goal for SAIT, and a 60k goal for COTT. They both ended up around 75k. Add in the SOTWs&Ms, which ended up around 65k combined (goal was 60k), and on all counts, I beat my individual project goals, and absolutely smashed the one for SAIT.

Considering this year I also got the TOTI paperback done and published the final installment of Between the Teeth, I think it was a pretty productive year, particularly considering I was finally diagnosed with Audhd in January, and have spent a lot of time and energy processing that, reframing a lot of things, and adjusting my work style to better accommodate my neurotype.

It's all been a big learning process, though one slightly derailed by the arrival of COVID and the…refusal to leave of COVID…and a fraught one at times, but it’s really been a relief to look at things like ‘this doesn’t work for me because my brain isn’t wired that way’ versus ‘this doesn’t work for me because I’m lazy/not trying hard enough/not living up to my ‘potential’, ad nauseum. It’s been…good. Tough, and emotional, and sometimes exhausting, but good. And I think that might be the other reason that Georgie started to speak again: how the fuck was I supposed to write him starting to move forward when I was still masking? How could I?

Meanwhile my other project was literally ‘okay, what if I worked through some of this by making my ADHD and my autism kiss? What if I did that?’ And COTT has been an absolute delight for me as a somewhat chaotic way for me to examine how these totally different beings co-exist. Throw in me shoving a ton of common romance tropes, gleefully undermining them (sometimes even intentionally! Though COTT can indeed be marked down as yet another failure in my quest to write some proper hate sex), a whole lot of ‘look, he actually gets me’ that is probably a liiiittle too close to home (and, I think, the home of most ND people), and everybody Doing Their Best (even when it fails, even when it doesn’t look like it, even when they aren’t rewarded for that), it is probably the closest thing I’ve ever written to pure Id fic, and I’m including the fucking Scouts here.

So thank you for all being very patient with me working through my ~stuff via narrative, and I’m really glad some of you (Audhd, autistic, ADHD, and otherwise) see yourselves reflected in Holden and/or James as well. Every single thing that annoys about them is probably something I do. (Uh. Off the ice. I don’t throw dirty hits. And I sadly don’t have a hockey room either.) I love them both a lot and I genuinely think my loving them, with all their faults (that are often my faults), has made my relationship with myself better, because I too am Always Doing My Best, even when it doesn’t look like it. And sometimes I forget that.

Okay, enough of the navel gazing, time for numbers!

These may seem slightly different than the word counts on, say, AO3, but at the end of each writing day I log my process. It’s always a little inflated -- some of it ends up on the cutting room floor, some of it applies to works currently still in progress, etc.

But, end of the year, here’s the breakdown*:

*rounded up/down to the nearest thousand, but that was the extent of the rounding, they're just naturally handsome numbers

Cards on the Table: 75k

Still Always in Tandem: 75k

SOTW/Ms and Extras: 82k

(Comprised of: SOTWs: 34k, SOTMs: 33k, Extras 15k)

For a combined total of 232k, squeaking in a mere 7k above my 225k goal.

But wait! There’s the misc (includes some Gritty work, last minute BTT additions, the bracket challenge, and other things that don’t fit the categories above), which adds an additional 13k.

So, in fact, it all adds up to 245k. Which is pretty damn close to 250k in my humble opinion, especially considering I spent a full quarter of 2024 sick. So I think we can call this year a success, at least on the writing front.

[roseofthewind]

Furina and High-Masking Autism

A lot of people don’t know how to recognize high-masking autism because its presentation challenges many stereotypes about what autistic people are like, but Furina continues to be a perfect example of it.

It should go without saying, but I love Furina as a character and this analysis is in no way putting her down. Autism is an entirely neutral trait that carries through to adulthood, and if you have a strong negative reaction to the idea of a character you like being autistic, you have probably absorbed a lot of misconceptions about autism and have some unconscious prejudice to unpack.

In the paragraphs that follow, I am going to explain several autistic traits and give examples of how Furina displays each trait.

*thinking face on*

1. Autism is, at its core, a difference in the way the brain takes in, processes, and shares information. This can make it challenging to communicate with other people who don’t share this neurotype, but a high-masking autistic person has observed the way other people interact and spent years copying them, figuring out through trial and error how to act to best fit in and get the most positive responses from other people.

Furina’s ascension speech in Act V of the Fontaine Archon Quest, where she first presents herself to the people of Fontaine, is a great example of this observation of others with the goal of masking as well as possible. Furina initially gives the speech as comes naturally to her in a very straightforward and honest manner (also an autistic trait!). After the speech, she realizes that her citizens are responding with hostility to her humility and lack of authoritarianism, so she then plays off the original speech as a ruse and immediately redoes the entire thing more assertively according to the feedback she picked up on.

(Calm down, Furina… Think. Think. What do the people want? How would they imagine a god to speak and act?)

Fontaine AQ Act V, Chinese audio: (link starts video at 3:10:07) https://youtu.be/T-AbXi5bufk?si=eQADAWw6n8Sk0PZE&t=11407

This is the kind of social trial and error that many autistic people do over the course of years so that eventually we can say the “right thing” the first time around, and it’s a testimony to Furina’s skills as an actor that she course-corrects so quickly.

Because of all the constant mental calculations, social situations are usually very tiring for autistic people, even when the social event lines up with their interests. In Clorinde’s Story Quest, Furina has no interest in Navia’s suggestion of pulling an all-nighter to keep playing D&D (I mean, Tabletop Troupe!) and wants to go home and rest.

Furina: Huh!? Oh, um… I’m not sure I’ll have enough energy for that…

Furina has shown other signs of needing to take a break from socializing– for instance, in Lynette’s hangout event quest, Lynette gets tired of all the people at her post-performance reception and goes upstairs to a quieter room to find Furina already there.

Furina offers to give Lynette tips on the best ways to slip away from an event, and Lynette misunderstands at first and isn’t interested in Furina’s advice because she thinks Furina loves everything about the spotlight and doesn’t realize how much they have in common. This goes a long way to show just how well Furina masks her autistic traits!

Furina: I see you’ve escaped the crowds to seek refuge on the second floor. Fame can be overwhelming at first, can’t it? Perhaps you’d benefit from hearing about the experiences of a veteran celebrity such as myself?

Lynette: No thanks, I’m good. Pretty sure this’ll be my first and last time in this situation…

Furina: Hey, at least let me finish! I have top tips on dealing with belligerent reporters, slipping away to hunt down snacks during the intermission…

Lynette: …Tell me everything.

Conversely, when alone, Furina will stay up late reading or doing something else that interests her and will not feel the same need to stop and rest, because when alone, there is no need to expend extra energy worrying about socializing properly.

At the beginning of the Fontinalia Film Festival limited event story, Traveler and Paimon go to Furina’s apartment and she answers the door sounding a bit groggy.

Paimon: Did you just get up, Furina? It’s already past noon, you know…

After Traveler chastises Paimon for being rude, Paimon panics and says something nonsensical about how the weather is so nice in the afternoon and sleeping in is fine, actually, and Furina responds that she’s just a bit tired because she was up late reading:

Furina: I was just up late last night reading some novels…

When focused on an interest, it’s very easy for an autistic person to lose track of time and it can be difficult to break out of the focused state and go to bed. (This is a trait that overlaps significantly with ADHD.)

2. Alexithymia is a difficulty with identifying, processing, and expressing your own emotions, and in extreme cases presents as an almost total lack of emotion. Some degree of alexithymia is common in autistic people.

I believe, in the flashback scene below from Act V of the Fontaine Archon Quest, that Furina genuinely did not realize she was upset and did not realize she was crying, which could be explained by alexithymia.

Fontainian citizen: Are… are you crying?

(If you played this part with the English voice acting and interpreted it differently, try listening to it in Chinese- Furina’s voice sounds completely confident and in control the entire time, and it’s not until the other person points out she’s crying that Furina sounds at all upset.)

Fontaine AQ Act V, Chinese audio: (link starts video at 3:22:00) https://youtu.be/T-AbXi5bufk?si=fl8xSwkQ0rRLFPQU&t=12121

I am a believer that Furina and Focalors were originally the same person, and Focalors is just Furina’s divinity and pre-archonhood memories— so if Furina is autistic, Focalors is autistic.

While talking to Neuvillette, Focalors is extremely matter-of-fact with her explanation of her plan, very matter-of-fact about the suffering of her own human self, and very matter-of-fact about her own impending death. There is no show of emotion— she just tells Neuvillette the facts. This could be related to alexithymia, but regardless it is a very autistic way of communicating that is often misinterpreted as cold and uncaring. In actuality, someone who is willing to sacrifice their own immortality, divine power, and freedom to save other people’s lives cares a great deal, even if the tone of their voice doesn’t reflect it!

Focalors: I mean, did you think I would be the sort to enjoy peaceful repose while Furina suffered?

3. The autistic nervous system takes in a lot of information that a neurotypical person’s would filter out as not being important enough to bother with- this is why autistic people are so much more sensitive to sounds, lights, textures, and any changes in the environment. Too much sensory input can actually feel painful.

There is a documented instance of the Opera Epiclese becoming so loud that Furina was overstimulated enough to yell at everyone to be quiet.

Furthermore, post-Archon Quest, after moving out of the Palais Mermonia and into her own apartment, Furina eats primarily macaroni for an unspecified amount of time— weeks or months on end. After a huge life change, it’s common for an autistic person to want anything they can control to be the same, so their brain has more space to process everything that’s different.

There is no neurotypical explanation for eating the same food over and over to the exclusion of everything else. It makes no sense to someone who doesn’t experience overstimulation and distress at too much change. Case in point, during Furina’s Story Quest, Traveler and Paimon are rather baffled:

Traveler: …Don’t you get sick of macaroni every day?

Furina: Not at all. As long as you have different kinds of sauces in, you can have macaroni and tomato sauce one week, macaroni and bolognese the next…

Notice that Furina says “macaroni and tomato sauce one week,” implying that she’s fine with just that sauce for an entire week, and then uses a different sauce for the next entire week. Still not very much variety!

Paimon: Oh, sounds like you’re really struggling to cope… Traveler: Is it because you have to do all your own cooking now?

Yes, Furina is struggling to cope, but not because she’s incapable of learning how to cook more complex dishes! She’s just too burnt out to want to make or eat a variety of things right now. Furina explains this and Paimon doesn’t believe her, but since we know that Furina’s special dish is an even more extravagant version of La Lettre a Focalors, if Furina is capable of baking at that level, she would certainly be capable of cooking.

4. Stimming, or self-stimulatory behaviors, are repetitive actions that serve to regulate or soothe the nervous system. There are countless behaviors that can be used as stims, but some common ones are rocking back and forth, hand flapping or waving, leg bouncing, skin picking or scratching, rubbing or squeezing a comforting object, dancing, spinning in circles, humming or vocalizing, or listening to the same song on repeat for hours. (It’s worth noting that stimming is not exclusive to autism— especially when stressed neurotypical people do some of these things too. Stimming can also be commonly exhibited by people with ADHD who aren’t autistic, although there are also a significant number of people with both ADHD and autism.)

One of Furina’s idle animations and also her normal attack sequence include behaviors that can be interpreted as stimming. Furina’s idle animation with Surintendante Chevalmarin involves her holding the seahorse up, waving her around, squeezing her tightly and rubbing her face on her head. Chevalmarin is made entirely of water and loves Furina dearly, and so does not mind being cuddled like a stuffed animal.

If you use all four of Furina’s normal attacks, she spins around several times and the final attack culminates with her spinning on a bubble and swinging her sword for AOE. If you use just three of Furina’s normal attacks and do not append any additional actions, Furina spins around again before plunging the tip of her sword into the ground (I do not have a gif of this). Furina also spins around when added to your 4-character party. That’s a lot of spinning, which certainly makes it seem like a preferred stim!

5. I got this far without mentioning special interests because I have so much other evidence that I hardly need to bring it up— but since it’s a much more commonly recognized autistic trait than many of the things I discussed at the beginning, I will include this part of Furina’s teapot dialogue, which does indicate that Furina engages in special interests:

Furina pretty much defines “special interest” with the above statement: it’s something that you’re interested in (to the point that it may feel like an obsession) and you have to know everything about it!

These are just a few examples of autistic traits that Furina exhibits— there are absolutely more. Furina is shown many times to have a high level of near constant anxiety despite being someone who is confident enough to perform on stage. This anxiety could come from other sources, like c-PTSD, but it’s very common for a high-masking autistic person to have chronic anxiety from being hyper-aware of avoiding potential social blunders, repressing stimming to appear more “normal,” and dealing with the increased risk of overstimulation that comes with repressing stimming.

If you made it this far, thanks for reading! Even if you don’t agree with my interpretation of the character, I do genuinely hope you learned something about autism.

[turtlesandfrogs]

When I say that as a neurodivergent person, I hate ambiguity, I don't mean the ambiguity that exists in reality as nature abhors a binary-

I mean ambiguity that exists in some people's communications and directions. For example, I once got a winter job working in a tree nursery, where a great deal of the job was assessing if trees met the criteria or not.

So, I was told that tree seedlings had to be at least 4 inches tall, say. First question- are you measuring by the terminal bud, or the needles? (Boss A said terminal buds, so I measured by terminal buds [which is what I had assumed, but I had learned at that point to check my assumptions to some degree], but then I was told I was culling trees that were a fine height because Boss A hadn't communicated with Boss B, so Boss B was measuring by needles, which were a good inch and a half taller.) Ok, correct that. Got more feed back, turns out its ok if they're like, 3.5 inches, if they're sturdy. Ok. Thanks.

The ambiguity lies not in reality, but in people not including all of the relevant information, or not communicating effectively between individuals to set standard expectations.

Same job- they said the roots after pruning needed to be 5 inches long. Great. So I check, but they're actually 4 and a half inches long. I bring it up- "Oh, that's fine actually, as long as it's between about 4 and 3/4s to 5 and a quarter inches, it's fine."

We'll just ignore that the roots are 4.5 inches long. If they just told me from the get go that it was around 5 inches long, that would work really well. Because if you give me a number, I'm going to automatically assume that you mean that precise number. If it's a range, give me a range. If it's a range plus some qualifying other factors such as overall health, roots system development, etc, just tell me those other factors from the get-go.

So, yeah, I probably put more specifics and details into my directions and communications than is deemed necessary by mainstream, neurotypical brains.

[ineffable-opinions]

GMMTV 2025

This year I had discussed two of my greatest peeves with GMMTV:

Lack of BL literacy and harrowing learning curve

Khujin paradox – it is their asset and liability

here & here

Having seen what GMMTV plans to offer in the year 2025, I have to admit that they might be on the right track.

Ticket To Heaven – I didn’t expect this. What percent of Thailand’s population is Christian? (Thailand has significant and influential Christian population.) Many frames and scenes in this one looks they were from the Japanese BL movie from 2007 Boys Love – School Boy Crush. Serendipitously, it is so similar to Jijo Kuriakose’s autobiographical queer film — Velipaadu (വെളിപ്പാട്) which also has seminarian main characters. But since the characters are Orthodox/Jacobite Christians but not Catholics there is additional compulsory heterosexuality.

Memoir of Rati – Most Beautiful Count colorism debacle has tarnished my love for Thai historical setting. This is one series where I really wish GMMTV did not stick to the nenja/wakashu style pairing. Yaoi revolution did not happen all those years ago for this to manifest in 2024-25. These aesthetic choices are something GMMTV and Change 2561 (among others) will learn to overcome. Eventually.

Me and Thee – I am not impressed by the choice of khujin for this role. The comedy is not working for me and I think that's probably because there is not enough gap moe between the actor playing the mafia boss and the mafia boss playing the actor. However, fans of this khujin might enjoy it immensely for the very reason. Love guru set up is underplayed, so I am expecting tonal shift half way through the series where the drama will play into the soap opera it is supposed be parodying. Some kidnapping and bloodshed maybe. Odo (royal road progression) is odo for a reason. Unintended consequence of the series was to remind me of my dearest wish to see unabridged version of Breath, the story of TulHin from Love By Chance 2) with shibari and all.

A Dog and a Plane - feels like a nice mix of Japanese BL Ossan’s Love: LOVE or DEAD and Ossan's Love: In the Sky and Cornered Mouse Dreams of Cheese. Since I thoroughly enjoyed both, I'm looking forward to this one. It also promises a lot of "wife-chasing" (My Stand-in's influence?) complete with a grand, lives-saving, heart-winning gesture. 

Magic of Prophecy - Fortune telling as a reason for forced proximity in provincial Thailand seems nice but I'm afraid the series is going to go where The Sign went with superstitious local folks (as opposed to rational main characters, except it was a fantasy show hinging on those very local people's faith and festival) and gun violence. BL being a vehicle for Thaification is kind of inevitable but I wish it wasn't so and we would get more provincial shows like Love Poison. For a country that dared to give us Tropical Malady (2004) directed by Apichatpong Weerasethakul and Malila: The Farewell Flower (2017) directed by Anucha Boonyawatana (director of Not Me), their BL needs to do better. 

Boys in Love - honor student x diliquent is a beloved pairing but this neurotypical honor student is not sitting well with me at the moment thanks to Iwashiro from Outsider Communication by Natsume Tsuno overwhelming my brain. But that is a me problem. The other pairs are cool and is in line with the saccharine sweetness GMMTV is known for.

Cat for Cash - this is for that khujin's fans as well as for cat lovers. Surrealist comedy with glittering, sputtering succulents in Love is Like A Poison has raised my tolerance for this brand of romantic dramedy. 

Mu-Te-Luv - I am intrigued because it gives me the kind of feeling that I got when I watched the trailer for Hello Mummy. I wonder how Thai audience will receive this series' take on the non-romantic themes it deals with. So, I'm equally apprehensive and excited. 

Love You Teacher - surprisingly it is Thailand that managed to get this show going. De-aging is a popular trope in BL and fan-fiction. Given the taboo nature of de-aging as a set up it is hard to pull off. But, if anyone can do that it is Thailand. This is resourceful side of khujin - they can't take the jado (evil road) narrative progression. No twisted moe. Yet, it leaves space for deception. Faking or automatic de-aging to cope with repressed stress and anxiety, like selective mutism and amnesia. It will be about character growth and unconditional love. Otherwise, the price GMMTV would have to pay would be too steep.

Melody of Secrets - wow, a dark take on amnesia trope! Seems like GMMTV finally figured out how to tease a jado progression within an odo plot - by employing a (faux)-look-alike so as not to upset khujin fans' worldview while offering them a thrilling experience. But it is clear that GMMTV won't be able top commit to a proper jado plot. That not their brand. It will not help with branding and advertising. There's no helping it. The violin scene reminded me of the Japanese BL with numerous adaptations Fujimi Orchestra. Also, the mind-forgot-but-body-remembers trope?! 

My Romance Scammer - gold digging, getting ONESELF trapped in the love trap that one laid and marry-first-regret-later tied with the friction of getting a divorce. I want it to have first ever remarriage of the same pair in a live action BL.

That Summer - how does Thailand keep getting casting net wrong? At least it is better than diving with the net we're got in love sea. Prince? Who was assaulted?  Found at a Thai beach? Reminds me of princess Latifa bint Mohammed Al Maktoum debacle.

Only Friends: Dream On - I like this set up more than the one for season 1. I wasn't happy about it and thought they could do better. I'm looking forward to this season. And for khujin fans, isn't it a good chance to enjoy netorare and stalking horse tropes since the Love Dodecahedron will anyway resolve into khujin pairings?

Burnout Syndrome - super pretty, shonen ai style art! Look at the nude he drew! Isn't it giving early BL vibes, from before the donkey dicks took over the BL manga scene thanks to Korea? Isn't it a beacon (please forgive the pun) of hope in the strange, new world of uncensored smut scenes in BL manhwa? Khujin's gonna khujin and stalking horse gonna stalking horse. I'm truly intrigued. 

Head 2 Head - fine old wine, new bottle. Let's see if the wine (rivalry to romance, unrequited to required, college campus setting) can be as intoxicating when drunk from the new bottle.

Dare You To Death - Channel V style drama with khujin boarding together for reasons.  Unfortunately, it did not moe for me. Maybe because I'm still trying to get over Zheng Bei x Jiang XiaoHai ship from The First Shot 雪迷宫 that paled in comparison to Zheng Bei x Gu YiRan ship. Honestly, I started watching just to listen to Huang Jingyu say heroin (hailouyin) and accidental got too invested in the cop x kingpin ship. 

I wonder who suggested GMMTV to add so much of occult and fortune-telling in their series. Also, I am a little worried after seeing this post by @guzhufuren and this post by @alwaysthepessimist - there is opposition to BL in East Asian countries led by certain groups of feminists based on the disproportionate benefit accruing to men (especially actors, voice actors, creators and production companies' executives), declining presence of women in entertainment and advertising as well as shifting purchasing power from women to men through consumption of BL.

In this video, BL scholar Kim Hyojin talks about Boys Love in an Era of Feminism: Online Discourse on “Leaving BL” in Late 2010s Korea.

[amuseoffyre]

I can't remember whether you wrote the original post about neurotypical people taking away special interests/hyperfixations, but I've thought about it a lot and my hypothesis is: there are two possible reasons why. Sometimes, they're just fed up of hearing about the Thing (mean); sometimes, though, they conclude that it's the closest equivalent for a neurotypical brain: obsession/addiction, so they try to help us "get over" that (well-meaning). Although for brief hyperfixations that can help...

If I wrote it, I can't remember it, but it does sound like something I'd write 😅

And yeah, that's exactly it as well. The assumption that taking the thing away will stop the hyperfixation. Oh my sweet summer parents, you would have to take away my whole brain to do that 🤣The key to the hyperfixation is locked in there in a steel vault and you cannot take that away. Likewise, shaming people for their hyperfixation = a terrible horrible way to guarantee that person will probably never trust you with things they like again.

And thank you, re. RoP :D There was a lot of it that was challenging and mentally/physically exhausting in all kinds of ways, but the bits with the cast and the fandom crew who were there were phenomenal :) And so chill! I didn't expect it to be so much laughing and joking like we - including the cast - were just a bunch of friends hanging out. It was so nice :)

[trashcanwithsprinkles]

Ever since I saw that you like zhongtham... the idea has been living rent free on my head, thanks for build this roman empire in my brain lmao so...... TELL ME MORE, what are your thoughts on their relationship? how the people around them react to their relationship??

(of course, only if you want to, I hope you have a nice day!!)

oh god

ultimately i think what they both need is understanding? in the sense that- both have very specific experiences in their day-to-day lives that aren't exactly the common shared experience between most other people. zhongli is a fucking eons-long being and alhaitham is not neurotypical. like he's autistic, idk how else we want to put it, that's what he is. zhongli, meanwhile, by virtue of not being a human and not having a strictly human way of processing the world, cannot be autistic since- again, not human. but this does make him autistic-coded, if that makes any sense. my man despises slimy foods on the basis of the texture (yes, this comes from trauma, but what bothers him is still the texture. that's coding). he's not human so he has different sensory experiences, probably more acute than humans. he's been described as a blockhead. he seems like he'd have a very specific routine he follows. he's very exacting on his field of expertise. the whole 'haha no mora no wallet' situation comes from the fact that his brain is still logically thinking he can just make mora (which, given everything, is a perfectly valid thing to still be hung up on), and so he forgets his money because his mind insists the way of the world is that he can just make it - but he can't anymore, and for an arbitrary reason, too. he's the literal god of contracts: what are contracts if not a parameter of very logical pre-established rules you have to follow? and he doesn't bend on those contracts, because he's of the mindset that if you made them in the first place, you knew what you were getting into, so what's the problem. all combined, and added with the fact that he's not human, and you cannot call him neurotypical. because he just does not function to match human standards of what 'neurotypical' even is.

so like- we don't know that they've met in canon, but we have decent reason to believe it's a very real possibility. the same way you could say gaming and ganyu have probably either met or seen each other at least once despite neither ever mentioning the other or appearing together on screen, because- well, he handles a delivery agency, she works for the qixing, they live in the same city, they're both familiar with cloud retainer, ganyu moves around a lot and knows a lot of people, and gaming seems pretty social. you get what i mean, right? in that same sense, i think it's perfectly possible for alhaitham and zhongli to have met at some point. granted nowhere near as probable as two people actually living in the same city, but notable enough nonetheless: alhaitham knows twenty languages, for that quota to exist i have to assume that each nation has at least their own unique language (since they all seem to speak the same thing in-game, tho, i can only translate that as all nations having their unique writing script- which they do). idk how many languages you could pull out of regional dialects in teyvat, but the most logical and easiest and obvious thing to do here if you were told to go learn 20 languages to graduate is to first go for the main most spoken languages and then fill in the gaps w regional dialects or more obscure no-longer-spoken ancient dialects. so we stand to reason alhaitham must know liyuean (?) right? and unless he learned it from within the confines of sumeru (which is possible tbf), then he must've traveled to liyue in order to learn the damn language. with liyue having quite the decently-preserved history, he might've picked other regional dialects up since they'd be easier to study next to like- idk, an obscure old language from mondstadt or smth. so if you're a student in liyue on a quest for knowledge trying to learn the language and possibly other obscure dialects, who are you going to go after? fellow scholars. what do all fucking scholars in liyue do when people have highly-specific needs and questions? point to fucking zhongli. so you get where the idea comes from. you can't tell me its completely implausible (for a headcanon) for zhongli and alhaitham to have met at some point, not the same way i'd raise eyebrows at like- headcanoning candace and zhongli having met based solely on in-game info. or- ei and sigewinne. y'know?

so like- alhaitham needs to learn liyuean (+ maybe other regional dialects bc 20 sounds like quite a lot for 7 nations, 8 if you count khaenri'ah), he goes to liyue, he gets to learning and then runs into the roadblock of not many scholars being familiar enough with ancient dialects for him to become fluent in them from their input alone, so the scholars are like 'yeah dw we know a guy, he's super knowledgable' and so they point him to zhongli, zhongli is like 'yea sure i can teach you, what do you need?'. idk how long it'd take alhaitham to learn liyuean (+ whatever else), but i'd assume he'd bunker down in liyue for most of that time. so let's say like- 6 months, and it counts as like a 'foreign languages' course where haravatat students get given money and are shipped off to learn (bear in mind 6 months sounds like stupid little to become fluent in an entire language let alone possibly a few others, but we'll just assume alhaitham is a prodigy (he seems to be) + since it's not a whole language and just a script, then it can be done).

so he stays in liyue for a while. i'd guess learning from zhongli most of that while. they're two guys who like peace and quiet and reading and investigating and they're both rather knowledgable (the gap is obviously abyssmal but still). you can imagine them just- going to a tea house and sitting down with tea for hours on end in amiable silence and quiet grammar exercises. i cannot see them not getting along. alhaitham is practical and so is zhongli, zhongli has a lot to say but it's always with purpose and informative and for a reason, and alhaitham is just happy to absorb knowledge. alhaitham is effective and to the point and zhongli (a battle general) would probably be perfectly happy rolling with it and being effective and to the point in turn. maybe they start having lunch together some days (zhongli does seem to do that with acquaintances a lot so it's not strange of him) and alhaitham just doesn't want any stewy soups and zhongli doesn't question it bc he's the one asking chef mao to dice and slice his fish into oblivion. sumeru is big on spices so alhaitham would probably have no problems whatsoever w the jueyun chilli. he'd also probably pick up on using chopsticks easily enough bc he's a perfectionist. zhongli would realise like two seconds into their introductions that alhaitham can hear him perfectly loud and clear w the headgear on and never bother commenting on it at all. alhaitham would also probably clock zhongli's more acute senses two seconds in and be relieved he doesn't have to raise his voice around people for no reason all the time. catch the patrons at the tea houses being confused and mildly unsettled by the two guys on the corner table just mumbling stuff to the other with a pile of books between them lmao

i cannot see their relationship being like- exciting in the sense that big shocking things happen. i just think they're both too smart and good at communicating w each other that shit like that just wouldn't catch them off guard. alhaitham would probably hear about legends of the adepti throughout his stay in liyue and quietly figure mr zhongli might be an adeptus but never bother saying anything because why should he care about what mr zhongli is? it's not his business, and it doesn't make him not-mr zhongli. so it's whatever. i also don't think any drama would pop up 🤷‍♂️ again they're too smart and hypercompetent for any misunderstandings to appear. by virtue of both of them being non-neurotypical they'd also understand each other in particular ways, so they'd easily be able to figure out any stuff and sand off any rough edges. it wouldn't be an exciting ship, it wouldn't be a ship full of ups and downs and drama and twists and turns and spice and oh the romance of it all. they both strike me as ace af and if not aro then absolutely somewhere in the spectrum, alhaitham more than zhongli.

but i'm an absolute sucker for non-verbal comunication and quiet understanding and an almost telepathic camraderie that would be so funny from the outside so i just think they'd be a delight. like the perfect team. they get each other, they're both smart, they're both strong (again, the gap is abyssmal). absolute academic weapons the both of them. catch someone being an ass about a contract and zhongli just staring disappointed and alhaitham next to him equally disappointed but listing off every single reason why they're being stupid about it also. zhongli's a bit too nice to say any of that stuff aloud but you can't tell me he wasn't running a constant 'chat are you seeing this shit?' in his head during his first story quest w kliment. alhaitham knows he's already got the 'freak' reputation so he just goes 'well if you want to keep digging i'm happy to hand you a shovel'.

as for other characters' reactions to them- i'd have to sit and think about them? idk how the liyue gang would react bc idk how they'd work in a canon setting? i can't see zhongli leaving liyue and i can't see alhaitham leaving sumeru either. if i had to pick one, alhaitham seems more likely for like- leave sumeru for plot reasons. and then go 'okay fuck this' and go to zhongli like 'you're the only bitch i respect in this house'. but outside of plot contrivances, hu tao does send zhongli off on random errands? so maybe he could pop up in sumeru from time to time. idk how the liyue gang would get to meet alhaitham then but if there is one character that absolutely gets to meet zhongli is kaveh bc the man is almost everywhere alhaitham is + they literally live together.

i think it would be fucking hilarious. like alhaitham: oh yeah a friend is coming over btw. don't be weird about it kaveh: why would i be weird about it what are you on kaveh: ... kaveh: ... kaveh: a what alhaitham: a friend kaveh: what alhaitham: i don't think the bimarstan is open at this hour if you got something in your ear kaveh: what friend kaveh: you don't have friends kaveh: ...you can just say nilou alhaitham: ??? zhongli: hello kaveh: who- what. what- who are you alhaitham: a friend from liyue. the one i said was coming over. like five minutes ago kaveh: what zhongli: is he alright alhaitham: he's never been alright, dw about him. the study is this way

[mentalknot]

What do you mean by “I could see the graph?”

I mean the above statement quite literally, and strongly believe it’s a quirk many neurodivergent individuals share.

The phenomenon is best described using an analogy to the social “intuition” neurotypical people feel when meeting someone, that 6th-sense that says “this person is good/bad/going through something.” It’s a type of intuition I will never understand, yet I find the idea of it beautiful.

My original model for the graph was built around motivation to model “language,” specifically any phrases (in the highest level of abstraction, genuinely anything you want a “phrase” to be) organized on the relation of “meaning.” Specifically, we say a phrase has “meaning” if we can describe that phrase in terms of another distinct phrase. Otherwise, we say the phrase is “meaningless,” which is somewhat of a phrase itself…

Now, it’s probably quite obvious why I keep this initial motivation hushed; I sound crazy, especially given the deviation from many syntactic models of language used for years. I have no intention to continue with that motivation. However, the abstraction I’d developed made sense to me, and eventually I realized that the best way to model such a relationship was with a rooted graph.

This is where the “intuition” part comes in, like an animation in my mind, I could build the thing up, remove edges, alter the recursive step, anything; it was my personal playground of abstraction.

I worked for weeks to truly understand and describe the structure I’d thought up. I ran to friends and advisors attempting to draw it and saying

“please tell me if I’m crazy so I can direct attention to my work.”

However, even with how admittedly scattered my initial explanation was at first, they didn’t discourage me; it was terrifying. I refused to believe that I’d truly thought of a novel graph purely in my head. But I fell in my core that this could be constructed.

And then, I wrote an algorithm in my Python, which I’ve now brought into more formal mathematical language, and it looked exactly how I’d imagined.

I have a million different questions about the basic graph theoretic properties of this object, captivated by the structure alone, although finding a “use” for this graph could be nice as well I suppose…

In summary, I did “see” the graph, my brain tends towards mathematical patterns way many tend toward social intuition. I find extreme abstraction quite comforting, and truly believe I’m not unique in this way.

I love math because it finally gives me language to explain my mind, but I was also lucky to have the right mentors. Many neurodivergent people believe they’ll fail at math because they are introduced to the field through pure computation, which feels unnatural to us.

I dream of a world where someone can develop an early course in mathematics for neurodivergent teens, so we can grow up loving the unique nature of our brains instead of constantly questioning our sanity.

Thank you for reading this long brain-dump, and enjoy a few variations of the graph :)

[thatonegaybrit]

; I know it's talked about but genuinely it's not talked about enough how difficult ( difficult ) it is being autistic. And it's not even just because I have autism, sometimes it's from Third Party People Being Ableist™ and making my life 20x harder than it was previously.

; and I'm sick and tired of people trying to be allies by denying that I'm autistic ?? Denying my struggles and saying " you're just a little funky !! " or " you're not different, you're the same as any other person <3 " because I'm not ( not ), I'm genuinely not like every other person. And wow are you going to be disappointed when you find out I actually can't function like you, I physically can not. I can't do most anything like a " normal " person and every day is a struggle because people want to see me as average, so they treat me as average and neurotypical and no different from them, but I am different. I do need things that others don't, I do need support even if I'm probably categorized as low support needs, I still have needs that the average person doesn't !! I'm Autistic !! I am different, I am not like the average person and it disables me. I do not resent being autistic, I do not want to be neurotypical. What I resent is how I'm treated because of it, how my struggles are either ignored or stigmatized. I resent not being able to function how others want me too, and therefore being labeled as a nuisance or a difficult case.

; I. Am. Autistic. And yk what ?? I'm not making it my whole personality, it is my whole personality !! It's my mother fucking brain, of course it's going to effect most every aspect of me and how I work ?? And so of course most things I talk about or most my experiences are going to " look autistic " or could be categorized as autism, because I'm autistic !! I'm a walking book of autistic traits so yeah, a lot of the ways I think and the things I do are gonna be related to autism, because I literally am autistic. Sorry if that bothers you ?? Like ?? Idk what people expect from me, I'm going to talk about it because it's kinda hard not to when everything I do or say is " affected " by it ?? :/

; anyways, happy disability pride month. Thanks for listening to my miniature rant

[petrichor-idyllic]

Hello! I am back 😇 could i get another autistic female reader x Gally (possibly a Part Two) where she gifts him a rock she found in the Gardens and he is slightly confused by it but really treasures it. Thank you! 🤍🤍

Part 2 let's goooo

A BIT DIFFERENT PT.2

MASTERLIST | GALLY MASTERLIST

PART 1 | PART 2

SUMMARY: See above. Continuation of part 1. Takes places before the arrival of Thomas.

WARNINGS: Inappropriate language, Gally's awkward ass, my potentially inaccurate portrayal of autism (again, but yall seemed to like the first one).

It's been about a week since you and Gally started seeing each other.

I'm using the phrase "seeing each other" loosely.

You see, you and Gally are in a weird place. Well, at least he feels like you are. You've not exactly established anything - you know you like each other and you've kissed, but that is literally it.

You still hang out and go about your lives in the Glade, but nothing has changed.

You're kind of fine with that. You've assumed something has been established since you both said you liked each other as more than friends. So, obviously, that means you're more than friends - AKA in a relationship. Right?

Yeah.

That's what you think.

But Gally's neurotypical brain doesn't work that way. He thinks you're in a weird situationship and doesn't know what to do now you've gone back to acting like friends.

You are none the wiser.

"Dude, she likes you - what's the big deal?" Frypan says as Gally loiters around the kitchen; a growing irritation in the cook's opinion.

"Yeah, but we're just... the same. Like, nothing's changed." He leans back against the counter as Frypan prepares the evening's meal behind it.

"I thought you kissed?"

"Yeah - once, and now it's just back to the same old klunk. This is a head-shuck; what am I meant to do?"

Frypan snorts. "I seriously doubt she's doing this on purpose." Gally looks over his shoulder at the boy. "You're probably overthinking it. Now, please shuck off and do your job so I can do mine in peace."

Gally glares as Frypan flashes him a cheeky grin. Rolling his eyes, Gally leaves the cook be.

He thinks about going to visit you for a second, but Alby will have his head if he keeps skipping work like this. He's still a Keeper, even if he is having relationship problems.

So, he returns to work.

You, however, are having the time of your life in the Gardens. You still love your job, and Zart still appreciates having you around (even if you do continue to show him up).

Today is a particularly positive day for you, because you have found a cool rock.

It's dark grey with swirls of whites and browns in it, and it's smooth and heavy in your palm.

It is a very cool rock.

You put the stone in your pocket and decide it would make a great gift. You continue with your day and spend your time awkwardly excited to give the rock to Gally.

After all, Gally means an awful lot to you, and this rock is from the Gardens that you also care about - so obviously, you have to give it to Gally.

So, after you've finished work, you go off in search of the Keeper. Though, that's easier said than done when Gally is having some kind of meltdown.

After some directions from Frypan, you find him leaning against a tree in the Deadheads.

"Gally!" You exclaim, grinning as he sits with his knees bent in front of him, resting his arms on his knees. He looks up at you as you bounce over, his gaze softening and his typical playful smile creeping across his face.

It's an expression you're so used to that you don't even realise that it's out of the ordinary. If Gally were to look at anyone else like that, they'd think he'd lost his mind.

"Hey, (Y/N)." He watches you as you sit down next to him, crossing your legs.

"What are you doing here?" You ask. It's unusual for Gally to be alone in the forest area. Actually, it's kind of rare for Gally to be alone at all. He's always with his little gang - or you.

"Just... thinking, yanno?" He playfully nudges you. "You okay? How was work?" He swiftly changes the conversation.

"Good, as always."

"Good, you learn about any new plants today?"

You shake your head. "Nope, not today. 'Think I've exhausted all the plants in the Glade, now." You grin at him, and he chuckles, shaking his head. "But," you reach into your pocket, "I did find this."

You show him the rock, holding it out in front of you. He glances at it before his eyes flicker back up to your face and then back to the rock.

"A... rock?" He blinks.

"Yeah, I found it in the Gardens. It's a cool rock," he can't fight the smirk that creeps across your face.

"Yeah," he picks it up out of your flat palm and examines it, holding it between his thumb and forefinger. "It's a very cool rock."

He goes to give it back to you, but you wave his hand away. "No, it's for you."

"What?"

"It's a gift... for you."

He grins; it's a genuine heart-felt smile and it sends butterflies through your stomach. "For me?"

"Mhm, thought you might like it."

"Hm, well, you've got me there - it is a very cool rock... But why are you giving it to me?"

You pause, blinking. He's a Builder? You thought he liked rocks?

"Because it's pretty, and I wanted to give my boyfriend a gift - that's not that weird, is it?"

Gally's face falls completely blank. He blinks at you and you can practically see the cogs spinning behind his eyes. "Have I said something wrong?" You're becoming genuinely concerned.

You're not the best at social cues and this is the first time you've misjudged something. So, you're picking up a vibe that you've put your foot in it.

"Gally? You good?"

"Sorry, uhm, I'm your, you said- uh, boyfriend?"

You now blink at him. "Uh, yeah? I thought we likes each other - isn't that what being in a relationship is? Are you not my boyfriend? Shit, have I shucked up?"

"What- no, you've... we just didn't talk about it, so I didn't realise we were... yanno."

You push your lips into a thin line before dropping your head, feeling your face start to go red. "Oh. Sorry - I didn't think- shit."

"No, hey, it's all good - I would love to be your boyfriend. Just wish you woulda told me about it, though."

You snort out of embarrassment, bringing your hands up to your face to hide. "Sorry - well, this is shuckin' embarrassing."

"Nah," he nudges you with his elbow. "It's cute."

You look at him, letting your hands fall from your face, smirking slightly. "Ya know, if anyone else knew how much of a big softie you were, they'd never let it go."

He shoves you, it's hard but still playful. You shove him back, which results in a wrestling match.

You squeal as he pushes you back onto the leaves covering the ground. He chuckles as you try to push him off, even trying to tickle him in the ribs. This is easily cut short when he grabs your wrists with one hand, pinning them above your head with ease.

His smiles fades fairly quickly, as his eyes flicker to your lips.

"You know you can kiss me, right?" Your forwardness catches him off-gaurd once again as you take a joking tone. "After all, you're my boyfriend, right?"

He shakes his head, smiling before he leans in. His nose bumps against yours as you squirm under his grips to try and kiss him. He lets out a low chuckle before finally connecting your lips.

It starts off sweet and quickly becomes passionate, with his grip loosening and allowing you to move them around the back of his neck.

He breaks the kiss, looking into your eyes. "God, I shuckin' love you."

Your eyes widen, and he seems shocked himself. He sits back slightly.

"You love me?" You sit up on your elbows and he avoids eye contact with you.

"Yeah... I think I do," he sighs.

You smile, leaning forward and pecking him on the lips. "I think I love you, too."

He grins, and kisses you again, once again pushing you back down into a small make-out session.

"I should give you rocks more often," you giggle when he breaks the kiss.

Yep, sorry for the embarrassingly long amount of time it took me to write this - my brain has turned to jelly.

"You should; it's a very cool rock - I'll treasure it." He pauses, grinning and pecking your lips. "It's obviously very lucky."

Anyway, hope you at least kinda enjoyed this :))

[actuallyadhd]

hi! i’m a 16F with anxiety and adhd. i just got diagnosed with adhd last week, but i’m terrified that i somehow got misdiagnosed. i don’t know how to shake the feeling that i’m secretly a bad person for ever questioning if i have adhd, because what if everyone’s wrong. my symptoms are a lot more subtle than the other neurodivergents in my life and online, so it’s frustrating since i don’t feel like i fit in with neurotypicals, but i don’t feel like i’m “adhd enough” to fit in with neurodivergents. sorry, this just turned into me venting 😅 but do you have any advice as of what to do?

tldr: what do you do when you don’t fit in with neurotypicals or neurodivergents?

Sent May 31, 2024

Impostor Syndrome, nice to see you back again, thanks for coming! Now, get out.

I am first going to reassure you that if you were formally diagnosed with ADHD, then you probably do have it. Since one of the diagnostic criteria is that your symptoms are disrupting your life, it doesn't matter how "subtle" they are. If they're causing you serious problems, then that counts.

If you're feeling like you don't fit in because you don't seem to struggle in the same ways as the other neurospicy people you know, that's okay. It's important to remember that we're all different. ADHD affects all of us slightly differently because we're all different people with different life experiences.

I encourage you to poke around a bit in the "actually adhd" tag. The internal experience of ADHD is what really put me on the right track in the end; basic descriptions of symptoms didn't do it for me, but when I started reading about the life experiences of other ADHDers, I started seeing myself all over the place. That's what convinced me.

You are absolutely welcome here regardless. I am not worried about whether you "really" have ADHD or were misdiagnosed. I am worried about your ability to manage your life. And while medication can help with that, it's not the be-all/end-all some people think it is. You still need strategies that work with your brain, and you still need people in your life who understand how your brain works and who are willing to try and support you and your brain. That's what I try to provide.

Followers, do you have any words of encouragement to offer this Anon? Have you felt like you didn't fit in with other ADHDers? Let's talk about it.

-J

[faffreux]

no offense intended but your love for fawful is "weird". that's not a bad thing, it just is "weird". but i firmly hold the belief that everyone has a "weird" interest/love/taste, and i'd wager that a good 90% of people don't tell anyone about theirs. i don't, and i probably never will! it's my secret.

my first reaction to seeing your blog was a negative one, not because of the content itself but because of the fact that you decided to post it to the public. "bruh why does he feel the need to put this on twitter/tumblr." it took me a little while to realise "wait, i'm being spiteful because i'm not as brave as that guy. he's freer than i am." i'm convinced that's why people like you get hate - someone who truly has nothing "weird" hidden in their brains would not feel so agitated at seeing your love for fawful, they'd simply scroll. anyone doing anything further to you has some personal wound associated with another person being open about their "weird"ness, and that usually means they've got something of their own up in that brain.

anyway convoluted answer but that's why i follow you LOL, it's nice. it's refreshing, you're awesome

AWW WHAT THANK YOU!!!??? This was awesome to read! Props to you for self analyzing as well!

I completely agree and came to the same conclusion, btw. I used to ask the question: “Why is it the most ‘normal’ everyday people like my 55 year old florist coworker or my neurotypical non-artist college friends who seem to be the CHILLEST types across the board? Nothing bothers them in the way it does random people on the internet. Like, what’s with that?”

Well, you pretty much summed it up!

[ali3nboyfriend]

i feel like im probably autistic and it just feels like shit to just think im wired in someway that doesnt make sense to anybody, that the emotions i feel arent correct or that im alone in all that i feel and nobody will understand be regardless of what i can do, like ive just been screwed in someway. is that normal or just something i stuck to myself in a panicced delusions?

this is a really common experience for people w any sort of neurodivergence but it's esp common for autists. i've compared my own experience to feeling like an alien, and those feelings for me often crop up when i find out someone's upset with or frustrated by me for me doing something that's just completely neutral and non-malicious in my head. i've been taken as condescending or apathetic when i'm trying to be friendly and positive more times than i can count and i apparently do not perform enjoyment well because it's hard even for my own friends to tell when i like something.

(thanks to my adhd often times thinking about talking about something just checks off the box for talking about it and that's probably part of it)

i guess like. the best thing i can say is to remember that often times, unless you really did something legitimately harmful, people's reactions to you are way less about you and way more about them. it takes time to build good lines of communication even among friends and even neurotypical people have to actually work to build them. sometimes you say something and the person you're talking to ties it to someone else they know and take it the way that person would mean it. it is good to learn how to change your communication styles for other people sometimes, but it's also good to know when it would hurt you to do so, and when pursuing a friendship w someone would stick you in a box you don't fit in.

at the end of the day your people are out there, it just takes a while to find them. i don't think your fears are deluded, but i do think they speak to someone who's struggling w a brain our society was not built to help.

if you think you might be autistic, i will say, a lot of the times seeking an official diagnosis is not beneficial unless you're very high care needs, and can actively be harmful if you want to transition or adopt or immigrate. go ahead and look into autism resources and help guides and basically treat yourself as if you are. if they help you they help you, doctor's note or not.