#this is one that i'm actively forcing myself to post instead of letting it die in the drafts

[hotties4eva]

the biggest bully ever ( selma bacha x reader )

prompt: your girlfriend is probably the biggest bully in your life (lovingly)

author notes: i wrote this just because i saw a video of selma jumping up and kicking someone in the face. i just know she is like a bad ass little kid. (also i love her so..)

selma prides herself on being your biggest supporter. always finding some time in her schedule to come see your games with paris saint german. proudly wearing your jersey while yelling as loud as she can in the stands and of course making sure to take a few pictures for the gram after the game is done. posting with a cheeky caption of, just met my favorite player ever! what a legend. however, you know first hand that this is just a cover up for how much of bully she really is.

in the privacy of your apartment or hers, she is the complete opposite. especially when you two are playing a game together even if it isn't a competitive game. making it even more laughable.

it was a nice sunday evening when you forced (selma knows she loves playing the game. she just won't admit it) your girlfriend to play minecraft with you. now if she thought you were going to be fighting zombies, creepers, and spiders. well she would be totally wrong. that would her job while you spend your minecraft time building a nice farm and house for the two of you to stay in.

"it's domestic! i'm like your little pixel housewife" you say as you continue to focus on working on the garden you were building. selma smacks her lips, "it's not domestic. just unfair! i don't wanna be the only one fighting off these dudes."

on her screen, selma was actively battling off a creeper. almost throwing her controller in frustration as the creeper blows up and creates another hole in the ground. she pushes you slightly, but just enough that you put down a block you weren't going to. "stop being childish and go kill some cows for me, dumbie" you say as you delete the block. giving selma a quick sight of you sticking out your tongue before going back to finishing up the veggies part of the garden. your girlfriend rolls her eyes, going back to fighting off a zombie to reach a few cows in the field behind it.

instead of getting some cow meat like you asked, selma runs away from the zombie. bringing it and other mobs along to you two's house. she smirks in revenge as she brings the mobs straight to you. you shout in surprise as the mobs surround you. "babe, help me! why would you.." you say as you try to fight them off. giving selma a nice punch on the shoulder once you were finally succumbed to the mobs and died. "that's what i said earlier, but you didn't come to help your absolutely amazing girlfriend, so you had to die" selma shrugs. acting nonchalant until the mob of mobs started to surround her. she manages to kill off a few, but end up dead just like you.

you laugh loudly as you push her shoulder using yours. she glares at you, frowning. "i'm totally killing you myself next time. less effort" selma says before standing up and heading to the kitchen for something to calm her frustration. you still got the last laugh though.

the french player can also be the biggest bully when it came to your games. whether you win or lose, she is always there to make a few snarky comments about your defense or how you let the ball pass you too many times. it was even worse if you two went against eachother.

it was one of the biggest games of the year for the division 1 league; paris saint germain vs lyon. your girlfriend and you were set to both play this match. the playful banter between you two the day before the game fueled the competitive spirit in you. selma was always competitive and ready to do whatever she needed to make sure lyon scored a win.

"ready to lose, babe?" selma says as she stands next to you in the tunnel. you roll your eyes before shrugging, "we'll see." the sound of the crowd ramps up you two's competitiveness as the two teams walk out onto the pitch.

the game goes off well for paris saint germain at first. with ramona scoring a goal for your team. however, despite your team's great defense, lyon was still able to score three goals. the game ends in disappointment with a lost of three to one. you groan out in frustration as you look at your teammates. the lost was a bit of sting just because paris saint germain needed the win, but also because you knew selma would never let you live this down.

after the game and lyon's celebration finally dying down, selma finally texts you; told you that I was gonna win. the text makes you roll your eyes. you message back, shut your mouth for two seconds please.

you two text back and forth. with alot of bragging from selma and tons of insults from you. eventually selma does stop her bragging, messaging you, but truly don't worry bae. you did well I swear. the message makes you smile as you lean your head against the bus window. thank you, baby. congrats on the win even if ... undeserved. after sending that text you shut your phone off and let the tiredness from the match catch up to you. letting yourself slowly fall asleep. knowing good and well your phone will be full of selma going back to being a bully.

[iamanartichoke]

Aren't u tired of the "Taika hates tom" thing? I don't think its tom. Taika just doesn't like the british

(Sorry anon, I started to answer this last week and then completely forgot about it until last night, bc I was thinking about Tom's apparent lack of attendance at the London Thor 4 premiere.)

¯\_(ツ)_/¯ I don't think I ever got invested in any of the "does Taika like Tom y/n?" wank in the first place. I mean, I'm sure I've been snarky about it, but it's not something I gave a great deal of thought or speculation to.

There's a real issue of lack of ability to separate the person from the work, both in fandom and in life. This is not an issue that's limited to just one side of the wank or even just this fandom (I mean, the whole ideology of purity culture stems from the belief that one cannot separate reality from fiction and therefore fiction depicting Certain Things is inherently ~problematic~ and immoral, but that's another conversation), but it's an issue that is at the root of the "Taika vs. Tom" wank.

By that, what I mean is that my perception of Ragnarok is that Taika was, at best, dismissive of Loki as a character and, at worst, actively disliked him. His comments about Loki being a wannabe goth or emo space orphan or whatever, his "jokes" about Loki getting locked in a porta-potty, etc (deleted, but still scripted and filmed) are indicative, I feel, of an overall sense of disdain toward the character - perhaps coupled with a vested interest in actively making Thor look better to compensate for Loki overshadowing Thor in the previous films.

Now, whether or not Taika actually feels that way or if that's just, like, his sense of humor, man is impossible to say; all I can do is speculate based on the evidence presented (ie, the aforementioned comments and deleted scenes).

^^ This is just my opinion, I'm not asking anyone to agree with me or stating that these are definitive facts. What I'm saying, though, is that I am certainly not the only person to have this opinion and when viewing Taika's personal feelings behind-the-scenes through the "ugh, Loki" sort of lens he's put out there, it's very easy to fall into the assumption that Taika dislikes or hates Tom, or that Taika and his bff Chris were sort of "conspiring" against Tom to ensure he/Loki didn't steal the show again, etc. when that may not be the case at all.

We don't know. We don't know what these people's feelings are - we can parse things from what they say publicly, but even public statements are filtered for, yknow, consumption by the public and aren't necessarily 100% factual, either. Additionally, we don't know what happens behind-the-scenes, we don't know what happens in negotiations and what happens once the execs get their hands on the product or who's ultimately responsible for what, and how. And this is the case for all entertainment, not just the Thor franchise and not just Marvel.

When you're enmeshed in fandom, it's easy to let the lines between person and product get blurred; it's easy to get so invested in these people that we feel like we know them - we're on a "first name basis" irt how we refer to them, their lives and their work is on public display, and we are increasingly living in a world that wants to categorize everything as black or white. All of which makes wank like "Taika hates Tom" flourish. (And, incidentally, is what makes the anti "anyone involved with the Loki series" wank flourish in its spaces, as well, like for example how some people prefer to believe Mike Waldron or whomever made a shitty series bc he had a personal vendetta against Loki bc of Reasons, rather than believe what is more likely the truth: dude's a mediocre writer and part of a larger team that set out to explore the character in ways that are inconsistent with previous characterization [which is kind of the point, though, in that the whole premise is Loki as a variant; I digress] and regardless of the fans' emotional responses, the motivation is Not That Deep.)

Which was an awful lot of word vomit to basically say yes, I am tired of the "Taika hates Tom" thing but in my defense I didn't put much stock in it in the first place; however, I understand where it came from and why it's still a Thing in this fandom, so it just ... it is what it is.

As for Taika not liking the British, well, I'm pretty sure that's an entirely separate conversation but also, again, this is an assumption of Taika's feelings based on limited interpretation of his public words and action and whether or not it has any merit is anyone's guess.

Incidentally, all of that aside, no one has to like anyone else. Sometimes people just don't vibe and neither side is wrong for that. So make of that what you will, too.

[darthkruge]

heyy Megan, I'm trying to do a character study on Anakin but im finding very limited information online. what do you think are some of his worst and best traits? his personality, humor and like his values? thank you so much,, hope you have a good day/night

omg hi!! thank you for asking me!!

*cracks knuckles* let’s get into it 

anakin skywalker character analysis

best traits:

intelligence, overall skill, curiosity 

anakin was building droids from scraps when he was a child. he spoke huttese and basic from a young age, as well. he’s an insane battle strategist, wonderfully skilled in battle/with a lightsaber, and incredible pilot! he can pick up new skills quickly, as well. i’m just gonna link this post by @chokemeanakin bc it just sums it up real nice.. but yes smart boy love him

compassion, capacity for emotions, empathy, understanding

anakin feels things deeply. i’ve talked about this a lot before lol. but yeah he is frequently in conflict over the sheer weight of the emotions he carries. further, as a jedi, this is not something his peers could relate to. but he always tries to be there for his friends and would do anything to ease their pain. and i think that anakin seeks to understand others. he’s spent so much of his life feeling alone and like no one related to him; he wants to know how other people work, feel, and think.

loyalty, friendship, caring

anakin is so fucking loyal to those he loves. and, tying into my previous point, he loves deeply. he cares, he always has. he treats droids as humans and forms attachments, even though they may be forbidden. he held onto that need for love, for connection even after he joined the order. and he would defend those he loves til the very end... 

selflessness, protectiveness, bravery

anakin would literally dive headfirst into danger to save someone he loves. he doesn’t care about hurting himself or honestly whatever happens to him, as long as those he cares for are safe. 

worst traits:

impulsivity, recklessness

i think we’ve all seen anakin be a bit impulsive at times... sometimes, he just doesn’t think everything through. this is especially clear when someone he loves is in danger. anakin’s lost so many people that when he’s faced with the threat of losing another, his judgment can become clouded. 

insecurity, jealousy, fear

anakin is frequently jealous, which stems from his insecurities. he was probably conflicted a lot; brought into the order as a young child and told he was the chosen one. the weight of the galaxy was placed on his shoulders and, yet, he was held back in classes as a padawan, he didn’t make rank (canonically). i think these things are what allowed palpatine to manipulate him; palpatine knew anakin was afraid, insecure, and, yet, arrogant (my next point dw). he tapped into this and because anakin and the council did not have much mutual trust (aside from like obi-wan), it was easier to get to him. especially because palpatine used anakin’s fear of losing padme and his unborn children to do so. fuck palpatine bro- 

arrogance

yes, anakin was insecure. yes, he was also arrogant. let me explain myself. he occassionally rushes into things without thinking, thinking he can handle them. i think a lot of this stems from being told he was the chosen one from such a young age. that title combined with his skill?! it makes sense he’d internalize it. i am now going to stop myself before i rant about how the gifted education system is a fuckfest. this is coming from someone who spent years in that program. anyway-

personality/overall rant about his life/motivations:

i think i summed up a lot of his personality within the best and worst traits because i got ahead of myself but im going to say some more!! i think a lot of anakin’s personality is dependent on his deep capacity for emotions. you can see that throughout ROTS, he was conflicted almost all the time. he grew up as a slave and all he wanted was to protect his mother. he built droids to help her and competed in podraces to tryand get them anything that could help. 

then, he was taken to the order. suddenly, all these amazing traits he has make sense!! but then the person who’s supposed to train him (qui-gon) dies after anakin’s only known him for a short period of time. anakin’s attachment issues are abundant (i don’t think i need to explain that one) so of course he grows close to obi-wan! but obi-wan was trying to be strong for anakin. even though obi-wan struggled himself with attachment, he tried to be strong and put up a front as a “good” jedi for anakin to look up to. while this was helpful, anakin probably just felt more conflicted, as no one in his life could relate to the bredth of emotions he felt. this caused him to be more introverted and withdrawn (i talk about that in this post)

then, he loses his mother, she dies in his arms. the only person he’d wanted to protect from a young age, who he left to join the jedi, dies in his arms. he blames himself for this, thinking he should have gotten there faster, should have done something more. he probably also blamed the jedi, to at least some extent. why do these powers matter if they can’t save the people he loves? i believe he acted out of anger, killing the tuskens, because (at least to some degree) of the jedi. instead of teaching him how to express his emotions (pain, fear, loss, grief, etc.), they train him. to some degree, he might think all he’s good for is these skills. so he acts out of anger, slaughtering them. 

and then finally he finds someone who loves him in the way he wants to be loved. padme stays by his side, even after he killed the tuskens. she sees the good in him and treats him as a man, not a prophecy. but once again, this motif of fear remains! he has to hide this love, one of the only pure and good things in his life! he has to live in fear every second of every day because, if the council finds out that he found happiness and love, everything is ruined. 

but then he starts getting the vision’s that padme will die. and not just padme, now his unborn children could die, too. the one thing he has that is good and purely his could now be ripped away. he knew he was helpless, knew there was nothing he could do to stop it by himself. the council isn’t that helpful, telling him to learn to let it go with the force. while that might help any other jedi, it just pushed anakin away. he would never be able to just surrender and let go to the force, not when the life of his entire family is at risk! 

and he finds palpatine, someonoe who has spent years trying to manipulate him. but palpatine is smart, he’s cunning. anakin didn’t know what the real intentions were and, truly, he probably didn’t want to know. he was blinded by his fear and if anything could save padme, he would do it. then the council try to get him to spy on palpatine. again, conflict. anakin’s loyalty is repeatedly questioned and pushed and prodded, he was probably so confused! he didn’t know who to trust. but, when you combine the current situation with his backstory with who he is and what he cares about, it makes sense why it all happened. 

this is what i mean when i say conflict. he was pulled in a million directions constantly. and we all know how his story ends and i don’t want to cry so i’m not gonna detail it...

also: i’m not saying any of this excuses all of his choices, but it does explain them.  

humor:

lowkey a dork

he is. and i love that about him. you can see this in the way he flirts with padme sometimes... like floating the pear to her and the whole “i don’t like sand” thing. he’s a fucking dork. can’t exactly blame him nor do i hold it against him! he didn’t have many close friends growing up and he was like pining for padme for years so it’s not like he spent that time creating a playbook

he’s also witty!

i think this comes with his intelligence; he’s witty and he’s quick. example: “general grievous, you’re shorter than i expected.” i mean he’s no sass-king obi-wan kenobi but anakin definitely can hold his own in a verbal sparring match! 

also i headcanon him as having horrible puns but loving them!

values:

love, friendship, connections

at his core, anakin just wants to find someone who understands him and his emotions. who can relate to him. he wants those connections; in fact, he actively seeks them out. love is a key part of his identity. i talk about this in this post about his love languages so imma just link it there!

success, validation

tying into his determination, anakin wants to do well! he pushes himself and i think he’s a perfectionist, too. you can see this in the way he holds himself as a general; he doesn’t slack off, doesn’t not care. he understands the responsibility he has in that role and he takes it seriously! and just in his overall skill level, even though he was a bit of a child-prodigy, he clearly spent a long time training. he probably also had some imposter syndrome going on and was constantly trying to prove his worth. 

----

uhh yeah i think i got everything?? yes?? he’s so complex and i legit love him immensely. doing character analysis for anakin is my favorite thing in the entire universe! if anyone has anything they want to add, please feel free!!

[annonmaly]

Spoilers Ahead!

Hi, fellow bored humans! Today is another day to set aside our real-life problems and overthink matters about fictional situations. Because why not? Mochijun-Sensei can make us do that. So, last time I made a post questioning Misha's knowledge of Vani's self-hypnotism. So before anything else, I want to thank you guys who took the time to read, liked, and replied to that post. It is fun to read ideas that even I can not think about.

Grab a cup of coffee and be prepared for a long-ass non-sense.

I am calling human Vanitas = Vani, and Luna = Luna. The pronoun I use is "she" because I would not confuse myself. I know Luna said she is an enby so, do not fight me.

Today, I want to talk about Luna and her death. I know that we have too little information in our hands right now, but my brain cells can still assume something based on what we have. This thought came about with the premise that Luna is an Archiviste.

I can't think of anything that happened to them "that day", but I have a theory of why Vani killed Luna. To make things clear, I will summarize my assumptions and list them down. I made an explanation of each point. Supposedly, those would come first but I didn't expect it to be so long, that's why I decided to just put it at the end. You could ignore it if you want. Check it out if you are curious.

Luna is an Archiviste

Vani is protecting memory from his early childhood

Vani casts the hypnotism while/after he was training to be a chasseur but before Luna's death

Luna bit Vani the day she died

Do you see where I'm going with this?

Here is the idea: I think Vani killed Luna because she forced herself to drink Vani's blood for whatever reason and the self-hypnotism activated. Sound farfetched? Because it is, but I'll show you why I thought it this way.

This is my one and only proof. The eyes are almost the same, right? See, I told you I could make a long-ass post just from two panels. The left one is from the Bal-Masque arc before Vani made a scene. The right one is before Vani and Noe's death fight. I believe that Vani's hypnotism is triggered in both pictures. I actually hesitated if I should do this since Mochijun-Sensei really loves including similarities in the story. You see, Astolfo and Misha made the same eye. But all three of them have the same eyes the moment they thought about why they would kill a vampire.

Vani - to not allow anyone to steal his memory

Astolfo - because vampires shouldn't even exist

Misha - Noe didn't drink Vani's blood.

So yeah, whatever, I'll go ahead and write this one. Vani would be the main focus of this thing.

1. The way Vani's hallucination phrased this is interesting. We know Vani's father died protecting him. What about Luna? If Vani killed Luna intentionally or because of hate, she did not die "because" of Vani. Vani killed her. There's a difference between the two. Behind all that facade that Vani is showing, he's kind. He's not someone who could just kill anyone without any reason when he's in the right mind. Especially if that someone is the one who became his guardian and is helping him to find a cure to make his body normal. Initially, I thought that Luna had gone wild and reach the point of no return. That's why Vani had no other choice. Though if this is the reason, Luna still did not die because of Vani. Now, this phrase would only be right if Luna died protecting Vani or if something happened to Vani. How could this happen if she was killed by the one she's protecting. So, what if, instead of Luna going wild, Vani is the one breaking down. Thus, Luna had really no choice but to make Vani her kin. If she's an archiviste and Vani already casted the hypnotism. It would be triggered and so he had no choice but to kill Luna.

"You give yourself someone to protect that's why you're weak." -Vani to Jeanne

If Luna didn't save Vani and Misha, she might still be alive. If she chose to abandon or kill Vani (when Vani loses his mind), she might still be alive. But Luna chose to save him by making him her kin. She handicapped herself by choosing to protect Vani and she died by doing so.

2. Maybe Luna doesn't want to use this method because it involves blood drinking to leave her mark. If she's an Archiviste, perhaps her reason is the same as Noe does not drink blood "She doesn't want to look at anyone's memory without permission".

3.Vani was never an honest and straightforward guy. If there is someone/thing he wants to protect he wouldn't say it outright. Sometimes we would go full on beast mode, just to hide his real agenda. It already happened a lot (reread the manga for examples). So maybe the reason he strongly disagrees is that he knows that once Luna tries to bit her he would lose his mind and try to kill her.

4. This is just so heartbreaking. Look at how he cried. I think this is not a cry of relief. Vani is crying out of frustration. It's not because he wanted to kill Noe. For me, it's like Vani is saying "I killed Luna, why can't I kill now." I mean, he realized that this ordeal could be solved without killing the other party. But why didn't it happened before?

This is just a half baked theory so of course there are still things that could negate these panels:

If Luna is talking with Vani here, she makes him her kin even before dying. Since everything is so calm. Though I would ignore reality and think that Luna is talking with Misha here. I think that Misha became her kin first since he is breaking down first.

The flashback of Misha shouting at Vani, maybe this is just hallucinations. But if this is true, it means that they spent some time together after Luna's death. And yeah, all of this would be meaningless.

Explanation of each point

1. Luna is an Archiviste. The theory is already out there, so I wouldn't explain it anymore.

2. Vani is protecting memory from his early childhood & 3. Vani casts the hypnotism while/after he was training to be a chasseur but before Luna's death. Going back to my previous post, I mentioned that it is strange for Misha to know that Vani hypnotized himself if Luna is the one who begged Vani to not let anyone take his memory on her deathbed because:

a. The timeline doesn't coincide. The chance that Misha and Vani separated "that day" which is I believe the same day as Luna's death is high. So, there's no way Misha could know.

b. Misha forgot what happened "that day". However, it's not like Vani doesn't want Misha to remember. I don't know but I feel like everything would be civil if Misha didn't mention that he wants to revive Luna. That is the moment everything went a wrong turn.

It is likely that Luna already asked Vani days before "that day" and her death. The problem is if the three are together "why did she only ask Vani and not Misha?". Maybe, Luna and Vani have a shady secret that they don't share with Misha as he's too young. However, if the secret has something to do with Luna, Vani won't even mention something relating to it to Misha, I mean the kid knows exactly the trigger of self-hypnotism. Maybe Luna is not the one who asked Vani. I believe that someone already asked Vani before he entered the church to train as a chasseur. But "who" asked Vani is not my problem today it is "when".

So in short, I suppose that the memory Vani is protecting is something that only he knows at the moment, and it did not happen recently but goes way back in his early childhood. As retracexcviii pointed out, it looks like that the self-hypnotism technique Vani used is the same as what the chasseurs. So, Vani knows this technique way back before he became a lab rat.

Continuing on...

Don't judge but I wasted a considerable amount of time digging information about Vani's childhood (yup, I don't have a life outside). And I found nothing concrete that could help, however, as I said, I could make something out of what we have. So here we go.

In Vani's delirium due to high fever he finally opens up and we had a peak of his life before everything. There's nothing much here, just a simple story, but let's overanalyze this:

a. In the era they’re living in, vampires are not allowed to attack humans. People are even treating them as folklore or old people's tall tales. Thus, random vampire attacks are seldom. The attacks that we heard are from the cursed ones (e.g., Amelia and Thomas) or harboring resentment (I think this is why the vampires attacked Astolfo’s family). Well, the attack on Vani and co. may be a special case. Vani mentioned that chasseurs are hunting "dangerous" types of vampires that are rampaging in the human world. So, there may be a miscreant group of vampires somewhere that hates peace or being suppressed by humans. Right, Misha's mother was also killed by a vampire.

b. When Misha asked what's a band of traveling players then Luna answered that it's a bit like a circus. Vani answered that "It was nothing like...that formal". He hesitated for a moment, meaning, he wanted to say something different first, but he changed his mind. Or maybe he just can't find the right word. I know that someone already mentioned this, but did you know that according to Wikipedia "Charlatan is a seller of medicines who might advertise his presence with music and an outdoor stage show." Now that's another thing to add to Vani and Naenia's parallel.

c. Vani thinks that his father doesn't like it there very much. So, why stay even if his wife is dead? Even if Vani's father could not go back to his family, he could still opt to cut ties with the band and settle down somewhere. He's a doctor, it's not like they would be helpless if they leave. Travelling is not a safe choice if you think about it. Perhaps, he stayed in the memory of his wife? Or are there other reasons?

d. This guy didn't just come to Altus ones before. "No matter when I visit" he already visited during different periods. The times he possibly could go in Altus is before his father's death and after Luna's death. Maybe Luna's going in secretly for whatever reason. I just want to drop it here because it's interesting to take note of.

e. I'm not sure if I should include this since it may be Luna's influence, but Vani knows way too much about vampires and also the babel incident. Also, Ruthven's statement just gives me a weird feeling. Does it mean "You an average human are running around doing ridiculous things, so tell me about 'yourself', kin of the blue moon vampire"? Or "without the context of being the kin of the blue moon vampire, tell about yourself?" I think it is the latter meaning.

There's nothing important here that proves Vani's childhood should be kept as a secret. But this will do for now, I just want to establish that Vani is more than just kin to the Blue Moon Vampire. His childhood, his father, family, and that traveling players are also suspicious. (Why the hell do I find everyone in this series suspicious?!? oh, except Amelia and Riche).

4. Luna bit Vani the day she died. I can't come up with anything that happened "that day". Did Luna has gone wild? Did someone attack them? Did Vani and Misha lose their mind as an effect of that weird doctor's experiment? There's really nothing but I think that whatever happened "that day" led to Luna's leaving no choice but to drink Vani's blood, or to make Vani her kin. There has no explicit explanation of how you make one your kin, but I'm sure drinking blood is included in the process. They would only gain a mark if they were bitten.

I'm actually not done yet. I still have plenty to say, but this should end here now. This is already too long for me to handle. Does this make sense? Or is it confusing? Don't hesitate to correct me if I'm wrong or tell me whatever you want to say.

So, if what Vani is saying is true, why do you think he killed Luna?

See ya' later folks!

Note: I wrote this to indulge my over-thinking self. This is just a random theory, thoughts, assumptions, and/or head-canons. Thank you for taking the time to read and understanding if I made any mistakes or post whatever it is you don’t agree on.

[blackdiamondwrites127]

Nightmare

A little follow up one shot to my Hal angst post. Hope y'all like it!

--------------------------------------------------

Catalina woke up in the middle of the night. She sits up and looks around.

Something was wrong.

She could feel it.

She looked beside her and found Jane sleeping peacefully. She allowed herself a small smile at the sight of her wife before focussing back on the task at hand. Carefully, she got out of bed and exited the room quietly so as to not wake up the slumbering silver queen. She stands out in the hallway for a while. Looking at the closed doors of her housemates. Deducting which one was out of place.

Then she noticed it.

The dark yellow door with a large white rabbit painted on it leading to her son's room was opened by a crack.

She goes over to it and knocks lightly. She waited. No answer. She knocks again. A bit louder this time. No answer again. She grabs the knob and gently pushed it open. She then takes a look inside the rabbit themed bedroom.

Empty.

Hal's bed looked recently used. His rabbit patterned blanket thrown back, his favourite rabbit plushie that Jane handmade for him since he was a baby was on the floor and his pink bunny slippers was missing from beside his bed. Catalina frowned and closed the door. She goes over to the bathroom and found it unlocked and empty after knocking and asking if anyone was there. She decides to move to her next destination of her investigation.

"Bugsy's in the kitchen."

The gold queen lets out a startled yelp and turns around to find Mae standing outside her bedroom door. Clad in light blue pj's with cat patterns on it, blue cat slippers on and her curly hair in a mess.

"Ay dios mio. You startled me. How did you...?" Catalina asked.

"He always goes to the kitchen whenever he's feeling down. Probably a nightmare again," Mae said.

"Again?"

The youngest Boleyn-Parr nodded. "I told him yesterday to talk to you or Aunt Jane about his nightmare but it seems that he didn't," she said.

"What was his nightmare even about?"

"It's not my place to tell. It's best that you talk to him."

"Okay. Thank you, Mae. You can go back to bed now," Catalina said.

Mae nodded again before going back in her room. Closing her light blue door shut. The first queen sighed and makes her way downstairs. Sure enough, the kitchen light was on and she could see Hal sitting on one of the barstools and hunched over the island counter. He was clad in his yellow rabbit printed pj's, his feet covered by his favourite pink bunny slippers and his curly brown hair messy and out of his usual bun.

"Mijo?" she called as she approached him.

The young prince sat upright upon hearing his mother's voice call out to him. Catalina could see him do a quick wiping motion to his face followed by hearing him sniffle.

"M-Ma, hey. What are you doing up so late?" he asked in an attempt to act fine but it failed due to his voice shaky and cracking.

"I should be the one asking you that. What's wrong?"

Catalina pulls out the barstool next to his and sat down. She took note of the glass of chocolate milk in his hand and the half empty jug of said chocolate milk next to it.

She distinctly remembers that that specific jug was bought just yesterday.

Drinking chocolate milk is always his go to drink whenever he's upset. And drinking about half a jug of newly bought chocolate milk worried the golden queen.

"I'm fine, ma. Nothing to worry about. I just can't sleep," Hal said. Turning to face her and giving her a forced smile that didn't reach his golden brown eyes.

"Drinking half a jug of newly bought chocolate milk in the middle of the night while crying is something to worry about. Mijo, tell me what's wrong," she said. Gently placing a hand on his shoulder.

His smile dropped from his face and he started to sob. His tears falling down his already tearstained face. Catalina gently pulls him in her arms and lets him cry on her shoulder for awhile. He held on to her tightly as he cried. Letting all his emotions pour out while his mother comfortingly rub circles on his back.

After a while, he pulls away and managed to collect himself.

"Sorry ma..." he said. Catalina gave him a reassuring smile as she wiped his tears away with her thumb.

"It's okay, mijo. Now, Mae mentioned about a nightmare that's been bothering you," she said.

He sighed and finished the last of his glass of chocolate milk. The first queen waited patiently for him to collect himself.

"It started when I decided to do more research on myself," Hal started.

She nodded. Signaling him to go on and that she'll listen. He took a deep breath and continued.

"I...I read some historians theorize about the events happening in history if I had lived up to adulthood. Obvious things like me being king and England staying as a catholic country and all that. But what really struck was the possibility of...father...not divorcing you and separating you and Mary. Leaving you to die alone..."

Catalina held his hand and gently squeezed it reassuringly. She said nothing. Just waiting for him to continue. She knew talking about their past lives is always hard for them.

"...it also made me think of the possibility of...him not marrying five more times and...mum and the others not suffering under his hand."

"Tell me about your nightmare," she said in a calm and quiet voice.

Hal takes a shuddering breath.

"I was...in a dark place. Then a spotlight was on and I saw...I saw a crown floating above my head. Then I felt a heavy weight on my right shoulder. When I looked, I realized...it was father's hand. He was standing next to me. Looming down on me with his heavy hand still on my shoulder. Then I heard a voice declare 'All hail King Henry IX'," he started.

Catalina listened intently to him. Hal continues his recount on his nightmare.

"I started to freak out. Everything was a blur now and I saw myself as king...I saw myself as father...doing the same atrocities he had done because I realized...in a world where I lived to adulthood...in a world where father was prevented in doing his atrocities...I would be the one to execute them instead..."

Hal's hands and voice were shaking by the time he finished and fresh tears welled up in his eyes and fell down his face. Dripping onto the cold tiles of the island counter. The first queen was quiet for awhile. Mulling over her son's words. She snaps out of her stupor when Hal suddenly spoke.

"Ma...do you think...I'm going to end up just like father...?"

She immediately pulls him closer to her.

"No. No you will not. You are Hal. You are MY son. Unless you actively seek out to be just like Henry, which I highly doubt you will, you will not end up like him," she said. Hal sobbed into her shirt as he held on to her tightly.

"B-But...I was named after him...I was born to be the next Henry..."

"Mijo, look at me."

Hal looks up at her. His tearful golden brown eyes meeting her golden ones. Catalina placed her hands on either side of his face and kissed his forehead briefly before looking at him again.

"You may be named Henry but that does not mean you are Henry. You are not a king who marries six times due to his obsession in having a son. You are a young boy with an obsession for rabbits and a passion for the culinary arts. You are Hal. Son of Catherine of Aragon and Jane Seymour. You're my little prince and you will always be my sweet and kind Hal," she said.

Hal gives her a genuine smile this time and she returned it with a smile of her own.

"Gracias mamá. I really needed to hear that," he said. Hugging her again. She kissed the top of his head and holds him closer.

"De nada, mijo. Think you can go back to bed now?"

"Uh...the chocolate milk sort of made me more awake."

Catalina chuckled. "Well then why don't we watch a movie until we both fall asleep?" she suggested.

Hal grins and hops off the barstool. Making his way to the living room to pick a movie. The golden queen smiled and followed her son. Flicking the kitchen light off before joining him on the couch. Zootopia already playing on the T.V.

Hal snuggled next to his mother as they watched his favourite movie for the umpteenth time.

--------------------------------------------------

Jane woke early as usual but what was unusual was the empty space next to her. Sure, Catalina often woke up early as well but she usually stayed in bed for another hour, wanting cuddles from her.

The silver queen gets up and gets dressed for the day. She goes downstairs to find Anna in the living room. Clad in her running clothes, holding a blanket in one hand and her phone in the other.

"Anna what--?"

The red queen cuts her off by shushing her. She then motions for her to come closer to the couch and look.

Jane walks over and couldn't help but gush at the sight that greeted her.

Catalina and Hal sleeping on the couch. The first queen had her arms wrapped protectively around her son and the young prince curled up quite comfortingly against his mother.

Anna takes a picture of the moment before draping the blanket over the slumbering mother and son.

"I found them sleeping here with Zootopia playing on repeat," Anna said.

"Hal probably couldn't sleep last night and Lina went down to keep him company," Jane said.

"Probably. It's best to let them sleep in. I'm off on my run."

"Yeah. Be careful and be back before breakfast."

The fourth queen nods and exits the house to go on her morning run. Jane looked back at her wife and son and smiled lovingly. She planted soft kisses on both of their foreheads before going to the kitchen to start on breakfast.

She didn't notice the empty glass and the half empty jug of chocolate milk still on the island counter.

[ollierachnid]

Agent 47 being autistic coded; a post ( that ive tried to write about seven times ). And yes I am autistic, so this comes from a desire for representation and my own experiences and isn't just a NT extrapolating a headcanon based upon a list of vague traits found online. I'm a fan of lists so I'm gonna use one to explain my reasoning and why people who claim it's Bad Representation or that it can't be canon are wrong.

Generally huge chunks of 47's development and arc as a character revolve heavily about the deconstruction of Ort-Meyers hypothesis that he created a human being that did not feel emotions or form connections or have autonomy. Because he didn't, as Ort-Meyer based his presumptions on; a) his own biased perspective, research and his clones' upbringing, b) an extrapolation from 47's -- largely autistic coded -- traits, which he misinterpreted as a luck of humanity. I doubt it was intentional, but this is a surprisingly apt tackling of the perception of autistic people as the "heartless genius with completely no feelings" type. As while 47 has traits that make him seem this way, his personal growth displays that he is far from that.

47 having so many autistic traits, a comprehensive list of one's I came up with off the top of my head:

Finding it hard to make friends or preferring to be on own; this is a very obvious trait in 47's character. He has very few friends and actively avoids other people, particularly those who seem to irritate him despite their friendliness ( Smith being a key example or this ).

Seeming blunt, rude or not interested in others; Smith and 47's handshake scene. It could very well just be an inability to read " obvious social rules " as Smith does little aside hold his hand out to indicate the action he wants, 47 simply may have not read well and walked off ( hey man, it happens ).

Finding it hard to express emotions; 47 doesn't express emotions verbally very well. He experiences numerous, has flashbacks due to his childhood trauma and more, but even when confronted by someone close to him who is asking about his emotions in concern he does not actually rely how is feeling, and instead describes what he is experiencing ( in his usual fashion ) instead. "Are you alright?" "-It comes back in flashes" and then a very basic list of names for feelings. It is often easier for autistic people, myself very much included, to explain emotion via the narrative events resulting in them instead of the feelings in of themselves or just using one word descriptors to get by. 47's couples with his dissociation from his childhood emotions, due to forced repression.

Stronger attachment to animals; all you have to look at is 47's desire to have pets when possible and how he engages with them in comparison to his attitude with other people. As a child, despite his trauma, he manages to establish an attachment to a lab rabbit ( multiple rabbits in the comics ) and maintain these affectionate connections until they die.

Monotonous speech and lack of inflection; 47 can convey emotions when actively putting on a character or attitude on missions, but so can quite a lot of autistic people. It's often called "masking" and it's a phenomenon where an autistic person consciouslly acts "more neurotypically" to fit in. And it is evident by 47's awkwardly, forced sarcastic humour that this is not his natural dictation. When speaking amongst allies, 47's delivery is equally as monotonous as to enemies, his natural manner of speech is "bland".

Getting very upset or uncomfortable if someone touches or gets too close; 47 seems willing to let a couple of people max touch him -- that being Diana and Victoria, plus Lucas to a slightly lesser extent, all of these people are those who he knows and is comfortable with. Whilst on the other hand the likes of Lei/Mei Ling, who after kissing/hugging 47 abruptly has him immediately reel back, despite his sympathy for her. He does not like touch from people, even those who he has a substantial amount of positive emotions for. This also includes Smith, who 47 reluctantly rescues, but develops into actively saving him even when unnecessary; he is not keen on contact even as mild as handshake.

Preferably to plan things carefully before doing them; the overachievers short story essentially establishes that, canonically, 47's modus operandi is extravagant, expertly pre planned hits. He seems to ( according to Soders and Diana ) favour these, especially in comparison to other agents, to which it does not come naturally. (NT trying to understand a ND's thinking)

Having a lack off or little empathy; I want to preface that a lack of empathy is not a lack of sympathy or an inability to feel compassion, empathy is an entirely different sensation that some autistic people don't have, 47 is one of them. A key example of this is 47's lack of empathy for other clones with similar experiences: specifically agent 17 ( his biological brother ) and Mark Parchezzi, both of who he murders. While both of these men were bred by malevolent groups and raised to kill; Mark in a more extreme sense than even 47. He seems to be unable to conjure up empathy for people who he does not have an established connection or a need to keep them alive long enough to form the sympathetic connections that he is capable of. This is true to quite a lot of people with autism, it is hard to empathise to someone you don't know, regardless of how intertwined your situations are.

Debunking one of the reasons why 47 would "not make good autistic rep"

"47 doesn't have emotions, which creates a bad stereotype". This isn't even a problem with the reasoning, if 47 was an emotionless being I'd actually agree with you. But instead this criticism is more so a fundamental misunderstanding of 47 as a character, because he is not emotionless by any extent of the definition, he lacks empathy but that doesn't reduce his ability to have sympathy or show compassion, nor does it really reduce any other emotion that he posses. 47 gets visibly angry ( blood money after diana injects him, absolution at travis, damnation.. throughout just that whole book ), he shows compassion towards people that he doesn't have to regularly ( victoria, emilio, smith ) and that extends to animals too. If 47's character was more reminiscent of this "human robot" trope - say, he bore more resemblance to one of his brothers: 17, then I would understand. But he doesn't. He's just a monotonous autistic coded man.

[naarlar]

DBH Characters Summed Up In 1 Sentence

Connor: My naivety and lack of social skills makes you forget that I am an advanced super robo cop, and for all you know, I was purposely designed to be easily underestimated.

Markus: If it weren't for the fact that I am a pacifist, I probably would have destroyed humanity by now (and you know that is canon).

Kara: The only reason I am even bothering at this point is for the small hope that I can finally live with Luther and Alice in peace cause' I've had enough of Todd's crap (or for shorter terms, Done™)

Hank: Still wondering how Connor managed to NOT go full deviant by my doing honestly.

Amanda: You know, our plan to try to use a deviant Connor to shoot Markus was in hindsight a really dumb plan, but at this point I blame Kamski.

Gavin: I'm a cold hearted jerk and am honestly surprised the fandom grew on me, despite me metaphorically kicking their favorite character.

Fowler: I'm also surprised Connor didn't go full on deviant because of Hank's doing; that man is a walking human disaster.

Daniel: I blamed Connor for tricking me when I myself was ready to murder a young little girl out of anger for being replaced when I am a LITERAL ADVANCED ROBOT THAT COULD HAVE EASILY ESCAPED INSTEAD OF GOING SHOOTING OFF MY ENTIRE FAMILY.

Allen: I refuse to admit that I was low key impressed that Connor actually managed to save that little girl. 

Sumo: borf.

Kamski: Yes I have a large ego, yes I take credit for the android rebellion's success, yes I am low key sabotaging my own company, and yes I’m a narcissist. 

Chloe: I'm glad I didn't get shot. 

RK900: I was the one meant to replace Connor if he decided to go off the walls obedient to Cyberlife, and seeing as this post is about the best ending, I am really wondering what the heck I am even doing here.

North: I have a weird fascination with making the humans hate the androids and their cause.

Simon: I am Tired™.

Josh: I am also Tired™, but also a pushover cause like there is no way I should ever let North have any form of leadership at Jericho.

Carl: Probably the only human out there that actively does not discriminate against androids in the beginning of the story.

Leo: You never saw me after the first act but I was that much of a jerk that you all still remembered and hated me.

Alice: I am a little bit of a brat child but could you blame me when I've lived my entire existence with Todd of all people?

Luther: I would die for Kara, and that is actual canon.

Rose: I am quite possibly the only character in this entire story with the right balance of recklessness and common sense.

Adam: I had a rough start but I redeem myself in the last act.

Ralph: My naivity and adorableness makes you forget that I am an incredibly mentally unstable person that needs medical help from a robo psychologist.

Jerry(s): We did not deserve this mess and yet we are dealing with it anyway cause' we are to much of a helpful naïve force than a chaotic one.

Todd: I'm the definition of insanity.

Zlatko: Everyone forgets the fact that I was brutally killed by androids, but then again I kind of deserved it. 

RIP I probably forgot a couple characters :PPPP

[thebrokenmasterpiece]

An Open Letter (About Me) | April 26, 2020 - 4:26 am | C J R

As I start the day and time is similar. April 26, 2020, 4:26am. Wow. I just thought of sharing about myself. (Sorry for my grammar. Please bare with it.) Take note this is just a summary or shorted story of my life (there is more behind these).

My life has a common story like other ordinary people. My story is not so easy has it seems. Bad and hard times, difficulties, sorrow but of course I also felt happiness, loved, care, blessed and peace.

Maybe some of you will say this story is so easy life and lucky one unlike to those who struggle since day one in the earth. For sure many of here will not believe, will judge, critize , curse and nag me because of my oh-so-pathetic-self pity-story-as-they-say, but who cares? It's my story to tell and my post to share. I am ready for your negativity because I'am full of it.

Ops, nah, I've decided that after this I will set aside my negativity and my badvibes in whole life. I will be more gracious thankful and honored to be still alive up, healthy and better until now. Here it goes.

My name is Camille Joy Juson Reyes but I preferred to be called by Cami / Mille but way back in college I used CJ as my nickname but I changed it for a reason and you will gonna know why. I'm 25 years old this year. Living on my own since last year (2019). My Father died when I was 7 years old because of heart disease. My Mother also died because of complications in her kidney and diabetes. I have 9 siblings but 1 of them died because of complication with kidney which the same disease that ends my Mother's life in earth. To top it up I am the youngest, the luckiest one they say.

Before my Father died my life is like a princess story. I have everything I've ever wanted a loving and happy family, decent and safe home, things like toys, bags, clothes, foods and so much to mention. Even though I have all I wanted there is still someone who will disagree to what I want to have and yup that's my Mother. She always nags and curses me everytime I tried to ask my Father to buy me this and those. She used abd always tells me "Tigilan mo kakapabili. Hindi tayo mayaman. Basura lang naman yang pinabibili mo (Stop asking so much, we aren't rich. Those things are trash.) So I stop asking my Father. But whenever he asked me what I want because I behave or got an award I will tell him but I say "Secret Papa" but in the end of the day my Mother will know about it and here and there she will shout how spoiled I am how brat I am. But I am thankful I have a complete and happy family or so I thought.

When my Father died everything changed. From being happy and complete to broken and uneasy life. My Mother became more conscious about money. She always think about what we gonna eat how we finish our study (by the way the time my Father died me and my other 4 siblings are still studying). My Sister (the eldest) helped Mother from bills to school fees and projects. She became our father thst time and until now (not after I left the house and started living on my own).

When our Father died one of my sister got pregant after a year. At first my Mother got angry and devastated because of my sister sudden pregnancy but later on she accepted and thought that baby is a gift from above to ease the pain she felt when her husband died. And that's how I started to change. Her grandchild became her most favorite. She always buy anything and everything and some of my toys and stuffed toy became my niece's property. She even released big amounth of money because of christening and first birthday of her grandchild. She even put her in a private school in kindergarten. How I envied my niece that time. How I wish I also got the chance to feel those special treatments. But it never happened.

When my niece still toddler my Mother bring her somewhere far seldom. So I am the one who always beside her. Going to market, going to bank, going to mall. I am the one who carried everything she bought. I am the one who stand to wait for a long line. And it changes when my niece started to grow up. She became the star and I am still nothing. Until it doesn't care anymore. I don't care if she got to celebrate her birthday with party and I am not. I don't care if she got a new toy and other stuffs and I don't. I don't care if I got scold because of her. I don't care if I got hit because of her. I don't care if she can stay inside my Mother's room and I am not even allowed to go inside without permission. I don't care if my Mother for the first time said that I shouldn't be here that it's better if I die. I don't care anymore.

I got bullied because of being "fat", "weak" and "crybaby". I never complained that to my Mother. I shut my mouth. I keep it in myself. Whenver I got home I will change clothes, eat (if there's a food to eat because sometimes we don't have) and do my assignment, project or so what, do house chores if there's any and repeat. My Mother shouts me I am lazy, worthless, stupid, idiot, dumb, trash and whatever hurtful words you can think whenver she see me doing nothing but watching or texting. She always see me doing nothing but when I do something? She still complains how pathetic and I am. When one of my sister left the house I started to use her room. I locked myself, listen to music and cry on my own. I became numb and torpid because of her. I even asked God "Why you have to get my Father instead of her?", "Why don't you just get me here?" "Are you even real?" kind of questions.

Honestly at the age of 10 I tried to kill myslef by drinking diswashing soap (my family doesn't know that. They don't know everything as always) but it didn't end my life. A pathetic failed suicide. My uncle (my Mother's brother) became so close to me 'coz I see my Father to him or so I thought. The more we got closer the more I became conscious because of how she touched, whispered and looked at me. Like someone will do something bad. And yes I am right. Year passed one afternoon I was sleeping in our living room (I'm alone because my sister got back and so to her room. My brother is also in his room. My Mother is also inside her room playing with her favorite gradchild. And yes I am alone). Our door is always close but not lock so anyone can sneak in and out. As for uncle he always like that come to our house and got in even without permission of course blood related. I felt someone touching and licking me in my private parts at first I thought it was a nightmare but when I slowly open my eyes I saw uncle licking my private part down there I push him away I wanted to scream but there's no voice coming out. I started to cry and hug myself. He sat beside me and ask for my forgiveness and he even offer me a money so I could shut my mouth. I didn't accept the money but he put it beside me and left. I thought that will be the first and last. But it just started there. He did it again. I wanted to ask my Mother's help I wanted her to help me but when I tried to tell her what her brother doing to but she opens up to me about her brother who is having a trouble to his family. She talked to me like I am a person who can help her. I listened I even saw my Mother cried because of sadness and angry because of her brother's family. She told me how good his brother, how generous, how kind, how selfless his brother. So I decided to keep it to myself. I let my uncle to those disgusting and dirty things to me because my Mother told me that uncle is sad and be nice to him. I don't want to see those eyes crying again because of sadness.

Until I got in high school. I thought it's the end. I thought it's new journey and a happy life for me. But no. It was still like hell. Uncle still do those disgusting acts to me. Worst is that he wanted me to touch his private part too but I disagree. Whenver he came to our house I always go to my sister's room or to my brother's room. Whenever he tried to lure me to come to him I will do something to avoid him. But of course it's not always like that. Worst thing he did to me is he fingered me and tried to put his private part to mine. But I told him if he still insist it I will report him to authority (not to my Mother of course) so he didn't forced me. But he asked me not to avoid him in return he will give me money and money and money. Because my Mother always complains to me how much my fees, projects, activities in school I decided to accept the money so I could use that to my study without asking for my Mother and my Sister. Worst thing that happened? My counsin (uncle's son) did the same to me. Damn this life. 4 years in high school is like 4 years playing fire on my hand. Before my high school endz I met my oh so second love (my Father was my first love) via social media. I met him because one of my niece knew him. He is sweet, loving, trustworthy again or so I thought. Day became months until I found out that he is a poser. But because he admitted and ask for my forgiveness I forgave him and continue our relation (without my family's permission). Months became year, again I found out that he is cheating on me. At first he denied it until I caught him with evidence so he admitted. I stop our communication there. But I still forgave him because he said he loved me truly it jist thst we are in a long distance relationship and not to mention thst we never meet. Damn I got hurt again because of my bullshit trust radar. Am I not worth for true? Am I not allowed to be loved? Am I not deserved to be happy?

Fast forward a little, when I got in college I swear to God how thankful I am to be far to uncle, his son and my Mother because my Sister decided that I will study in college in her side (Our eldest sister and 2 other brothers are living together to our grandparents' house (my Mother's parents) . So yippeed finally. I am free or so I thought. At first it was so fun. Living free and safe. I do my things. Help my Sister to her work sometimes or in the house. Until one of my brother (my youngest brother) came to my Sister's house and decided to stay, too. Still the same I do my things. But I noticed that I was the only one who helping our Sister. Like the hell is that? Because I am a girl? Because I should be the only one to do the chores? Damn it. But I push myself. I let it go. Still do the same. A year after one of my brother left the house because he wanted to start a family. My Sister got mad because he just graduated and didn't got a job but my brother decision is final because her girlfriend was pregrent. And ny other brother is giving my Sister a hard time because of his addiction to alcohol. Almost everyday he got drunk. Though he have his own family and living in the same roof. He even borrowed money to my Sister so many times (By the way he was the one I mentiobed above that died because of kidney complication.) but because my Sister is such an angel in disguise she always let it pass lent him money. Still fine until I got 18th. My Sister and her husband set a party for me. I am happy with that. So thankful that I could cele8my birthday on my own party. But after that it started to change.

The long I stayed to that house the bigger I got chance to know my Sister and for my opinion based on my experience she is soooooooooo like my Mother. Still thankful because I got in college and experiencing new stuffs. Back then I want to work and earn money while I am studying my Sister didn't allowed me. She make me chose between working or studying of course I chose to study. So my goal is to graduate have diploma and work. College isn't so easy so do life. When I left my Mother's house I seldom go there. I always excuse my class as a reason of not going back there. But day by day I started to miss her. To miss my old me, to miss my old life. How I wish I could bring my Father's life. So my life my family and me can back again to the old times. My Sister is supportive slash not. She supported me in my study but when it comes to activities in school she always mad and irritated. She and my Mother became paranoid for me being in a relationship because of my two sister who got pregnant and abandoned their child to my Mother. So whenever I go in a relationship it's always a secret (if your gonna ask if my past relationships does know about my past with uncle and cousin. The answer is no.) Lets go to my first one. The poser who cheated on me, we got in communication again after a half year. So we're good as friend. He talks sweet again he gave so much time he opened up about this relationship. We're good but I still have feelings for him but I knee isn't right. So I slowly end our conversation and communication without my knowledge he became close to my friend and ever closer to one of them as in closer where they got call sign or endearment to each other. No comment for that but I messaged him thst never ever flirt or let my girl friend falls to him especially he is damn taken abd I believed in his bullahit promised. Then one fine sunny day one of my friend confessed to me that girl friend of mine became MU of my ex (YUP HE IS TAKEN ALREADY AND MY GIRL FRIEND KNEW ABOUT IT. HOW SLUT RIGHT?) Now I got mad totally mad I even cursed him to go to hell both of them. Not because of jealousy but because of betrayal.

A two years passed by and I am 17th. I changed my course. I got new friends. Same school, same environment. But I became more adventurous, fearless and curious about everything. So before my 18th I decided to lose my virginity though not so clean by the way because of uncle and his son but it was a shock to me and an epic one when we (a guy who I met again on social media but this one I met him) decided to do that in hotel but unexpected visitor came too early than usual. So the blood I thought comes from my visit is a blood from my virginity but my boyfriend that time thought it was just a mensuration and I am not a virgin and accused me of being a liar. After that epic situation he started to be cold and avoid my messages. So I decided to end our relationshit. Shit. I was the devasted and overthinking that no one will accept me. That my Mother and Sister is right I am trash, worthless, stupid, nonsense. That they are right I should have die long ago. So I repeat myself again. Lock myself, isolated myself, be an introvert.

So I became cold. And careful to my actions. I became bitter. I became pistanthrophobia. One of my new sets of friend introduced me to someone she knew. He is kind, sweet and loveable like the other guys. But I gave him a chance I doesn't feel the love I felt before but still it work out for 1 year and 2 months I guess? We just broke up because I got tired of his drama like hello my life is full of sucks of drama though I understand him but he never understand me that's why I got tired of him. He wanted to build his own family but he doesn't even know how his family will survive because of property. I wanted him to dream more. I wanted him to achieve his goal before settling down. And so for me I stop getting in a relationship. So I could focus on my study. But oh I'm such a flirt I met this guy on clash of clans. We got along together. And after a few months we're together. He knew about my past. He accepted me for who I was and I am now. He accepted my family's flaw. Until now we're together. We're living together. But before we ended here we were in a long distance relationship for almost 3 years. Fast forward again, I was already working, back then I was a kitchen helper/staff. I used CJ as my nickname like college because I got a lot of same name in school and im work. But I quit after 6 months because of my Mother. She asked me to quit and find another one which more decent and nice one but here finding a job is like finding true love DAMS SO HARD. LIKE, YOU NEED AN EXPERIENCE TO GET A JOB BUT YOU HAVE TO GET A JOB TO GET EXPERIENCE. DAMN THOSE HRDO'S QUALIFICATION STUPIDITY LEVEL. Well thanks to my Sister who helped me to found another job way, way better than before. I am thankful for that super! Such a big help. Super blessed to have a sister like her (though most of the time I'm unappreciated by her and our Mother.)

Ops! Not yet the ending. I wanted you to know why I left. 2019 my Mother died. I am hurt of course though we don't have those mother moments and bonding I still respect and love her. After she died things changes again. The flaw in the house. The way other people talks. It all changed. My Sister's husband who supposedly one of my admiration because of his patience became most hated one. He spread false accusations to me and other siblings without my Sister's knowing of course. In front of my sister she's a goodman saint but behind her back he is the worst. He stab people behind our back. He makes stories like he is the best writer. After all those years that my Sister and "his" sacrifices to make me finished college and got a fine and decent job (Everything my Sister gave me was his, too.) he said behind my back that I'm ungrateful, worlthless, brainless, trash. How do I know? Of course those people he was talking to was people who's good to me. I got tired of those bullshit again. My sister and I had fought because of she had I idea that because of her husband why I itching to leave that house.

But no one can stop me. I decided to live on my own. So those trashtalks can be true now because that's how it really looks like. My boyfriend worried that I will live on my own so he suggested to live with him so we ended together in one roof. No one calls me trashy words. No one hoping me to die. No one wishing me bad.

But to be honest I am grateful and thankful for all those struggle I've encountered I became who I am. I ask God for his graciously love and forgiveness for getting tired for life he lent to me. I ask my parents, their wisdom and understanding why I ended here. And knowing that my sister isn't good at my decisions I hope one day he'll open her eyes and her mind along with her heart to realized the real reasion why I decided to live on my own (by the way I left on the exact birthday of my Mother. First birthday that she isn't here). I'm blessed those I started in a hard time.

Full of loans before starting. Full of problems to my life. Full of what ifs on my mind. Full of sorrow on my heart. But in thr name of God and Jesus with all the good saints up there I know I can make it. I will make it.

PS. I don't mention anyone's name except me for not involving them so I used pronoun. I don't want to be more complicated. I wanted to share this story. For those who felt unloved, betrayed, worthless. It's okay. You are not the only one. Keep it up and open your heart and mind to appreciate God's love and bless and you will found unconditional loving and support.

The End. | April 26, 2020 - 8:17 am