thebrokenmasterpiece

[thebrokenmasterpiece]

Yung akala ko na 2019 yung pinakamasakit na taon, hindi pala.

Yung akala ko na 2020 yung pinaka mahirap na taon, hindi rin pala.

Yung akala ko na 2021 yung magpapagaan ng hirap at sakit na dinanas ko noong 2019 at 2020, ito pala yung taon na mas dumurog sa binuo kong ako.

Mas madami iyak. Mas madami tanong. Mas madami lungkot. Mas madaming sakit.

Napunta ulit ako sa punto na "Sino ba ang totoo? Sino ba dapat pagkatiwalaan? Sino ba yung hindi mananakit?"

Gusto ko ng sumuko, pero kailangan ko pang manatili.

Gusto ko ng matigil yung sakit, pero kailangan ko pang matuto.

Gusto ko ng mawala, pero kailangan ko pang matiis.

Yung taong pinagkatiwalaan ko, pinili ko, pinaniwalaan ko, pinagtanggol ko, siya rin yung taong dumurog sakin ngayon.

Yung binuo ko ng ilang taon, dudurugin lang din pala sa isang iglap ng pagkakataon.

Babangon ulit ako, at sa pagbangon ko sisiguraduhin ko na hinding-hindi ko na hahayaan madurog ulit ako.

October 31, 2021 | 1:20AM

[thebrokenmasterpiece]

July 21, 2021 ; 23:42

Magka-text pa lang tayo noon tinanong mo ako ng "Paano kung hindi ako maging pulis? Tatanggapin mo pa rin ba ako? Mamahalin mo pa rin ba ako?" Naaalala mo pa ba 'yong sagot ko sa'yo o naaalala mo pa bang tinanong mo 'yan sakin at sinagot kita ng ganito, "Hindi naman kita minahal dahil sa propesyon mo. Minahal kita kasi ikaw 'yan. Wala akong pakialam sa kung ano marating mo sa hinaharap ang akin lang tuparin mo ang pangako mo na magkasama tayong aabot ng pangarap natin." Ang sagot mo noon "Pangako aabutin natin ng magkasama lahat ng pangarap natin."

Lahat ng pinangako mo, binalewala ko. Isang pangako mo lang ang pinang-hawakan, pinaniwalaan at pinagkatiwalaan kong tutuparin mo. Pero 'yong nag-iisa na 'yon hindi na rin pala matutupad.

Hindi naman ako nag-hangad ng sobra. Hindi naman ako humiling ng sobra. Hindi naman ako naghanap ng sobra. Pero bakit pakiramdam ko kulang pa rin ang ginawa ko.

Gusto ko ng simpleng pamumuhay. Malaking pasasalamat na nakakain tayo dalawang beses o higit pa sa isang araw. Malayo sa mga malalang sakit. Laging ligtas at payapa sa lugar. Pero iba pala ang pangarap na binubuo mo. Magkaiba pala tayo ng gusto. Sa sobrang tagal na hindi natin namalayan na nangangarap na tayo ng magkahiwalay kaya ngayon itutuloy ang pangarap na 'yon ng magkahiwalay na ng tuluyan.

Hiling ko na sana maging masaya ka sa buhay na tatahakin mo. Maging ligtas ka sa araw-araw, malayo sa sakit at kapahamakan. Hiling ko na gabayan ka ng Diyos Ama sa pangarap na binubuo mo. Hiling ko na sa susunod na magkita ulit tayo masaya tayong ikukwento sa isa't-isa na natupad natin ang pangarap na minsan natin ipinangako sa isa't-isa.

Totoo nga ang kasabihan, hindi lang basta pagmamahal. Hindi lang basta mahal mo ang isang tao makukontento ka na. Kailangan mo pa rin maging malaya sa sarili mo para maabot yung pangarap na gusto mo para sa sarili mo. Akala ko kasi noon bumuo tayo ng pangarap magkasama tayo sa pangarap na 'yon. Hindi ko alam na 'yong pangarap pala na gusto mo marating hindi ako kasama.

Nakontento ako sa pangarap na binuo ko para satin. Nakontento ako na basta kasama kita kahit matagal kahit abutin ng pagtanda basta nandyan tayo para sa isa't-isa ayos na. Hindi pala.

Sorry naging makasarili ako sa pagbuo ng pangarap para satin. Sorry dahil nakontento ako sa simpleng buhay. Sorry dahil akala ko tama na 'yon. Hindi pa pala.

Salamat sa maraming pagkakataon lumaban ka sa relasyon natin. Salamat sa pangakong hiwalay na natin tutuparin. Salamat sa taon nagkasama tayo. Salamat sa pagmamahal at pagkakataon mahalin ko. Maraming salamat sa maraming bagay.

Lagi kang mag-iingat.

- your ex

(for more than six years of staying and fighting together)

[thebrokenmasterpiece]

Today is June 30, 2021

Another tiring day without even doing anything. I wish I could stop the day or return the time when I was still truly happy in whole day. Now, I can't even be happy for a day. Laging may sisira laging may hindi magandang mangyayari kaya nakakatakot na maging masaya. Na kada iisipin ko pa lang na gusto ko maging masaya bigla ko na lang mararamdaman na parang sinasaksak yung puso ko. Akala nila manhid na ko. Akala nila bato ako. Hindi nila alam nasanay lang ako sa kung ano ang pinaramdam at pinakita nila. Pero salamat sa araw-araw na biyaya at pagkakataon na nandito pa rin ako sa mundong ito. Salamat kasi patuloy pa rin akong nabubuhay kahit minsan nakakapagod na. Kahit na minsan gusto ko ng sumuko at ibalik yung buhay na ipinahiram sakin. Ang sarap siguro na maranasan yung buong araw lang masaya buong araw lang okay. Pero imposible.

[thebrokenmasterpiece]

Please give up. Please let go. Please go.

[thebrokenmasterpiece]

Minsan hindi natin masisisi yung ibang tao na ibinabahagi yung problema sa social media o sa ibang tao. Hindi para may makialam o makisawsaw kundi madalas kasi kahit idaan sa maayos at mabuting usapan, sadyang may mga tao na hindi makakaintindi sayo. Kaya ang tanging paraan ay ilabas sa iba para hindi umapaw at sumabog. Ang hirap ipaintindi yung sarili sa ibang tao pero kapag naintindihan nila yung sarili mo ang sarap sa pakiramdam. Pakiramdam na hindi ka pala nagiisa.

[thebrokenmasterpiece]

LAST FOR THIS YEAR 2020

Dear 2020,

Alam kong bugbog ka rin ng mga hinaing ng mga taong apektado ng mga nangyari sa taon mo. Marami ang galit sayo dahil sobra-sobra raw ang pasakit mo. Marami ang gusto ka na agad matapos dahil isa ka raw sumpa para sa amin. Pero alam mo? Marami pa rin naman sobra-sobra ang pasasalamat sayo dahil magtatapos ang taon mo na buo pa rin sila, nandito pa rin sila, nakamit nila ang pangarap nila at marami pang rason.

At isa na ako sa taong gusto kang pasalamatan. Salamat sa aral na iiwan mo sa amin. Salamat sa kaligtasan na natamo namin pagkatapos ng lahat ng nangyari sa taon mo. Salamat sa pag-intindi sa amin ng mga kahulugan ng napabayaan namin buhay. Salamat dahil aalis kang buo pa ako at ang mga taong mahal ko. Salamat dahil hindi ka sumuko sa mga hamon na ibinato sayo ng mga tao. Maraming salamat, 2020.

Ito yung taon na akala ko matatapos ko na ang problema ko. Sobra pa kong naghanda. Kaya natuto na ako. Lalaban ako ng mas matatag, mas wais, mas palaban at hindi basta-basta matitibag. Marami akong natutunan sayo. Natutunan ko na kahit sobrang hirap ng buhay kailangan ko lang maniwala at magtiwala na kakayanin namin. Natutunan ko na maging matapang sa hamon ng buhay. Natutunan kong pahalagahan ang mga tao kahit ayaw nila sakin, kinamumuhian nila ako, galit sila sakin at kahit pa sinumpa nila ako. Natutunan kong maging mas mapagbigay dahil sa oras ng pangangailangan mas marami akong nalalapitan. Natutunan kong maging masaya para sa sarili ko.

Araw-araw akong nagdadasal na ilayo kami ng Diyos na may lalang sa sanlibutan sa mga kapahamakan, sakit, at disgrasya. Hindi nabawasan ang tiwala at pananampalataya ko sakanya sa taon na ito kahit sobrang dami ang nangyari.

Kaya 2020, maraming salamat ulit sa lahat. Nawa'y ang susunod sayo na si 2021 ay maging maganda, maayos at mapayapa ang araw-araw na dadaan.

Nagmamahal,

Taong patuloy na lumalaban sa agos ng buhay.

[thebrokenmasterpiece]

Never ever. 🖤 | November 17, 2020 - 22:21

For girls,

Never ever argue with your partner about their parents especially Mother. Why? Here's the list.

1. They will never listen to your side. No matter how it is. THEY WILL NEVER LISTEN.

2. You are just a trash who have full of ego. HE WILL START SAYING TRASHY ABOUT YOU.

3. They can sleep peacefully at night without fixing your problem. HE WILL GO TO HIS PARENTS INSTEAD.

4. You won't gonna get any update from his whereabout. HIS ONLY CONCERN ABOUT HIMSELF

5. They will let you go so easily. WITHOUT SECOND THOUGHT.

6. You will never get a message from him asking about you. HE DOESN'T CARE ABOUT YOU ANYMORE.

7. They gonna talk about how selfish, ignorant, and self-centred you are. HE ONLY AGREE WITH HIS PARENTS.

8. You will break for sure. WITHOUT HIS HESITATION.

and so much more.

Pagod na ko mag-pipipihan. Pagod na ko mag-bulagbulagan. Pagod na ko mag-bingibingihan. I will stand still. You can break my heart but you can never ever break me. Never ever again.

Signing Off | November 17, 2020 - 22:34

[thebrokenmasterpiece]

Ako yung nawalan ng kaibigan hindi namatayan, hindi niloko sadyang nawala parang boom wala na nasasabihan at napag-lalabasan ng sama ng loob, galit, inis, lungkot, saya dahil sa mga nangyayari sa buhay buhay. Pakiramdam na wala ng gusto makinig sayo. Kaya ito, dito ako naglalabas ng hinanakit at problema sa buhay para hindi sumabog, tuluyan mapagod at sumuko.

Share | November 13, 2020 - 1:13

[thebrokenmasterpiece]

First Time but Unforgettable | November 4, 2020 - 20:15 | CJR

Nangyari ito eksakto Nobyembre 4, 2020 sa oras na 7:24 ng umaga. Hinding-hindi ko malilimutan ito, hindi dahil unang beses nangyari sakin kundi dahil dito natakot akong mamatay.

Normal na sakin ang umangkas sakanya dahil mag-iisang taon na mula ng bilhin niya ang motor na iyon para maging taga hatid at sundo namin sa trabaho o sa kung saan man pupunta. Naging kampante ako na ligtas kami kasi maingat ang boyfriend ko sa pagmamaneho ng motor. Pero kahit lang mag-ingat kung ang tadhana ay dapat mangyari ito ay mangyayari.

Umaga ng araw ng iyon, papasok kami sa trabaho. Ihahatid niya muna ako sa trabaho saka siya papasok sa trabaho niya. Malapit na kami sa aking trabaho ng biglang pumutok ang likuran gulong ng motor na sinasakyan namin. Nawalan ng kontrol at balance dahil na rin sa biglaan pagputok ng sinabing gulong. Nagulat na lang ako ng tumalsik ako sa sinasakyan motor, mga 3-5 hakbang mula sa motor ang pinagtalsikan ko. Pati ang boyfriend ko tumalsik rin pero agad siyang tumayo para alalayan ako.

Sobrang kirot ng balakang ko noon. Sobrang sakit ng ibabang bahagi ng katawan ko. Kaya para makasigurado na ayos ako nagpa-checkup ako at buti na lang walang bale o bleeding sa aking katawan naging kampante ako. Pero ang makulit kong boyfriend ayaw naman magpatingin kesyo okay lang daw siya at kaya niya. Totoo naman kasi ilang araw lang nakalipas ito na naman siya sa mabilis na pagmamaneho.

Mula ng aksidenteng iyon hindi ko alam pero para akong nagkaroon ng takot na maari kaming maaksidente ulit at mamatay. Kaya tuwing ginegewang-gewang niya ang motor habang minamaneho napapasigaw at kapit ako ng mahigpit sa motor at nagdarasal na ilayo kami sa kapahamakan at disgrasya.

Hindi ko alam kung naniniwala pa ba siya/sila na nakakaramdam pa rin ako ng kirot at sakit sa katawan. Kasi kahit paulit ulit ko ng sinasabi na nasasaktan ako parang walang silang pake at ang boyfriend ko naman patuloy pa rin ang pagdaan sa lubak na daan, biglang preno, pag-gewang ng motor, at higit sa lahat ang pagsingit sa mga malalaking sasakyan.

Sana manhid na lang ako. Sana wala na lang akong pakiramdam. Para hindi ko maramdaman yung kirot na nararamdaman ko ngayon na sana mawala na. Para hindi ko maramdaman na walang may pake sa nararamdaman ko. Para hindi ako masanay isipin na meron nag-aalala sakin pero wala pala. Ang lungkot ng gabing 'to. Gusto ko umiyak pero pagod na rin ako.

Hinihiling ko sa Diyos Ama na ilayo niya kami sa disgrasya o kapahamakan. Patuloy niya kami gabayan sa ligtas at matiwasay na byahe. Pagka-ingatan niya kami sa bawat segundo ng aming buhay. Huwag muna niya bawiin samin ang buhay na ipinahiram niya. Nawa'y maging maayos ang lahat at bumalik na sa dati. Amen. 🙏🏼

Signing Off | November 10, 2020 - 20:35

[thebrokenmasterpiece]

The name Eurydice means Wide Justice and is of Greek origin.

One day it will be my beloved daughter's name.

For Future | October 28, 2020 - 22:49

[thebrokenmasterpiece]

Happy Birthday, ate

Hindi ko alam kung paano kita babatiin at iiwanan ng mensahe. Baka ikasira lang ng araw mo kung magtext o magiwan ako ng message sa messenger mo. Kaya dito na lang. Malay ko, Baka, siguro, sana balang araw mabasa mo ito.

Gusto ko magpasalamat kung hindi dahil sayo hindi ako maka-kahawak ng diploma, hindi nga ba? Pursigido ako makapagtapos. Pursigido ako maipagmalaki niyo. Kaya siguro kung sakaling hindi mo ko sinuportahan noon makakaya ko pa rin makapagtapos. Salamat dahil pinatira mo ako sa bahay nila Mama at Nanay na naging pag-aari mo dahil sabi mo nga ikaw, sayo lahat ng gamit na nandoon. Salamat dahil pinakain mo ako at naging malusog ng ganito kahit halos araw-araw twing susubo ako ng pagkain galing sa pera mo lagi mong pinapaalala na hindi ako makakatikim nun kung hindi dahil sayo. Salamat sa mga gamit, damit at gadgets na niregalo at ibigay mo na halos ipamukha mo sakin na ikaw lang ang may kayang magbigay nun sakin. Salamat dahil kahit marami kang obligasyon hindi mo nakakalimutan sumbatan ako ng hindi mo namamalayan. Salamat dahil binuksan niyo ni Mama yung pananaw ko sa buhay na lahat ng tulong ay obligasyon ibalik. Salamat dahil hindi mo binabawi lahat ng masasakit at tagos sa pusong salita galing sa galit, pagod at hirap na dinadanas mo. Salamat kasi ikaw yung naging panganay sa atin dahil mahirap maging bunso kasi wala akong papel sa pamilya kundi tanggapin lahat ng sumbat, husga at pagsira sa lakas ng loob. Salamat dahil tinulungan mo akong tumayo sa sarili kong paa at tanggapin lahat ng sinabi niyo ni Mama. Walang kwenta, bobo, palamunin, mas masahol pa sa baboy, walang utang na loob, bastos, iporkita, impakta, mayabang, mapagmataas, matigas, ano pa nga ba? Paano niyo nga ba binago ang sariling ako? Salamat dahil ang taas-taas ng tingin at respeto sayo ni Mama na sana nabigay niya rin sakin. Buti na lang nakilala ko pa si Papa. May isang taong naniwala sakin na sa kabila ng pagiging walang kwenta ko may halaga pa rin ako. Salamat dahil kahit kelan hindi mo ako pinakinggan. Wala sainyo ang nakinig. Wala sainyo ang nagtanong kung buhay pa ba ako. Wala sainyo ang nagtanong kung masaya pa ba ako. Salamat dahil bago niyo pa ko kinilala nasira niyo na ang pagkatao ko at saka niyo ko hinusgahan. Salamat sa pagsuporta sa mga desisyon mo para sakin sa pagpili ng kukuhanin kong kurso at sa pagpili ng dapat kong pasukan. Salamat dahil wala kang ibang inisip kundi kapakanan namin na halos kinontrol mo dahil ikaw ang ate at ikaw ang may pera. Salamat dahil bago ako umalis sa puder mo nagawa mo ipabaon sakin ang utang na loob ko sayo na hindi ko malilimutan. Salamat sa pagbuo at pagsira sakin. Tinanong mo noon bakit ako ganito? Gusto ko rin itanong bakit kayo ganun ni Mama?

Pasensya na dahil wala akong kwentang kapatid at anak. Hindi ko nagawang tumulong sainyo/sayo. Naalala mo yung sabi mo nun "kahit dalawang taon lang tumulong ka sakin. Magasawa ka umalis ka kahit anong gusto mo gawin sa sarili mo gawin mo. Dalawang taon." Pero hindi pala sapat yun. Sa mata ng marami sa mga mata ng kaibigan asawa at chismosa niyong kapitbahay. Ikaw lang ang kumakayod sa pamilya. Pero kami? Walang kwenta. Pasensya na wala akong utang na loob dahil kahit anong gawin ko hindi ko alam kung paano makakabayad sa lahat ng sakripisyo mo. Dahil kahit anong gawin ko walang silbe para sainyo. Kahit anong sakripisyo ko walang kwenta para sainyo. Kahit anong ibigay ko walang halaga para sainyo. Pasensya na ito lang ako wala akong kwenta. Walang utang na loob. Walang silbe. Walang ambag. Walang halaga. Pasensya na kung lagi akong nakakulong sa kwarto imbis na nakiki-salamuha ako kasama kayo dahil takot na akong madagdagan pa ang panghuhusga niyo sa pagkatao ko. Pasensya na kung tamad ako sa paningin niyo ni Mama. Kahit kelan naman hindi niyo nakita akong kumilos ng tama. Dahil para sainyo mali ako. Isang malaking pagkakamali. Minsan nga tinanong ko na ang Diyos, bakit si Papa ang binawi niya? Bakit hindi na lang ako? Bakit kailangan ako magdala ng lahat ng sama ng loob? Bakit ako lagi ang labasan ng hirap, sakit at sama ng loob niyo sa bawat isa? Bakit ako ang laging nakikinig sa mga hinaing niyo sa bawat isa? Pasensya na nawalan na ko ng tiwala sa sarili ko na kakayanin ko pang makinig kaya nasabi kong pagod na pagod ako. Pagod na pagod na akong mabuhay ba parang robot taga sunod taga pakinig taga tanggap ng husga. Pasensya na ito lang kasi ako.

Maligayang kaarawan sayo. At sa darating na kaarawan ng asawa mo na minsan kong pinagkatiwalaan pero wala rin pala. Tingin lang din pala niya sakin tulad ng tingin niya sa iba pa natin kapatid. Walang kwenta. Walang utang na loob. Walang silbe. Walang ambag. Walang halaga. Kaya pala kayo nagkasundo. Pareho pala kayong humuhusga ng tao kahit hindi niyo pa alam kung bakit siya ganun. Pare-pareho lang din kayo ni Mama na huhusgahan muna ako bago tanungin kung bakit. Nawa'y alisin na ng Diyos ang bigat na dinadala mo. Nawa'y bawasan niya ang responsibilidad mo bilang ate at magulang sa mga kapatid natin. Nawa'y maging masaya ka pa sa darating na panahon.

Huwag mo masamain ito. Sinasabi ko lang yung mga bagay na dapat sinabi ko bago ako umalis. Dahil ang totoo, umalis ako kasi gusto ko maging ako ulit. Pero ang hirap dahil nakabaon pa rin ako sa mga alaala na iniwan niyo ni Mama. Sobrang salamat sa Diyos dahil binigyan niya ako ng mga taong tulad niyo sa buhay ko. Dahil siguro kung wala kayo, hindi rin ako matututo na lumaban at bumangon sa hirap ng buhay. Salamat sa Diyos dahil binigyan niya ako ng pagkakataon mabuhay at maging pamilya niyo. Kung tatanungin ako, kung sa susunod na buhay pipiliin ko pa rin ba kayo? Siguro pipiliin ko huwag na lang mabuhay ulit. Siguro yun ang pinaka tamang desisyon na magagawa ko sa sarili ko.

Ulit, maligayang kaarawan, ate.

Nagmamahal pero hindi pinahalagahan,

Bunso

[thebrokenmasterpiece]

Pamilya? Sila yung imbis na i-angat ka, ilulugmok ka pa pailalim. Sila yung imbis na tulungan ka kapag nadapa, itutulak ka pa ng paulit-ulit hanggang sa mahirapan kang bumangon sa sarili mo. Sila yung imbis na maawa sa kalagayan mo, tatawanan ka pa nila sa kamalian mo. Sila yung imbis na turuan ka ng tama, hahayaan ka nilang magkamali. Sila yung imbis na bumuo sayo, sila mismo ang dudurog sa pagkatao mo.

June 30, 2020 - 1:55am

[thebrokenmasterpiece]

"Hindi mali ang mabuhay ng mahirap. Ang mali ay yung walang ginawa para umahon sa hirap."

[thebrokenmasterpiece]

What to do? I'm mess. | May 4, 2020 - 6:30am | C J R

I'm the kind of person that want to runaway from the past but still holding some memories at the same time. Those memories that I just can't forget and erase to my memory, the times that I'm with my Father. When I was a kid all I ask is for him to be healthy and have a long life. But God has own plan for me that's why he took my Father's life too soon. Did I hate God for that? No, of course not but I got lose. When my Father died Idecided to ruin my life little by little especially what happened to my past, to my childhood is really forgettable. I avoided to go to church, pray, and believe in Him, but again I don't hate Him I just lost interest having faith then after get hurt again. When I was young my Grandmother from mother side was the one who raised me up until four years old but because of her disease she died. Then my parents took full custody to me afterwards. But I started to distance myself to my Mother who alqays nag and shout on me calling me names. I'm so thankful that I have a Father who loves and cares for me so much. I pray everyday and everynight for my Father to have a very long life and stay with me. But after 3 years he died. I was 7 years old that time I'm so young that I barely remember how it happened and why it was all of sudden. I'm happy, contended, thankful and greatful because I have Him. I even pray to give me more years to be with him again though it's impossible.

Then we go to new place, new environment, new people. I thought it would be another fun even my Father's gone. They saide to me that he will protect me even I can't see him. But where is he when someone molested me? Where is he when someone bullied me? Where is he when someone attacked me? Then boom I'm lost. Giving my self to anyone I don't know, trusting people who betrayed me many times, keep smiling even I'm breaking apart and keep standing even I want to rest all my life. I asked God many times, what did I do to experienced those cruel things? Why do I have to feel this kind of pain? Why I don't have anyone beside me? Am I a sinner to my past life? But I don't get any answer. What I got is more and more struggling and problems that I encounter. Hours to day to months to years it's more getting worst. I even wish to die and tried to kill myself but damn maybe I'm a daughter of an evil creature in my past life.

Now, I'm facing my problem of having too much loan. And still asking myself are you accepting your past or still asking God why? Am I able to conquer this kind of life?

Anyone there that can advice me?

Signing Off | May 4, 2020 - 7:01am

[thebrokenmasterpiece]

My thought right now |

April 28, 2020 - 2:17pm | C J R

Who I am? Who I was before? Who I am for everyone I know? Who I was for them? Who really I am?

Most people arround me, decides to leave. Those one who says "I will never leave you" they all want to leave but because of pity and compassion they stay for a while. Yup like when I am used to be around them, when I am comfortable with them, when I am afraid to lose them, when I am dependent with them, when I am deeply in love with them that's when they will decide to leave because of my bullshit, pathetic, selfish, arrogant, snobbish, trashy and dumbness. Yup that's how they see me. That's how they know and understand me. But of course I am not blaming them but I blamed myself non stop for being like this. Who cares right? Definitely I'll go to hell, then meet santan or hades or whoever is surely that because of my badass I am here. But why? Why am I became like this? Does anyone ask me that? Does anyone cares about that? Does anyone will understand? Before, I always pleased them to stay. Beg them and kneel them just to stay. But get tired. Bullshit life. Bullshit me. What else? Nothing to lose. Who cares if I go to hell? Who cares if I meet evil creatures after life? Who damn care?! No. Nothing. Zero. They think I'm crazy bitch. But this crazy bitch once a normal girl with normal life but because of shits in life I became who they think I am, the one that they create. Tired of explaining, tired of pleasing, tired of asking. After all they only sees my flaws not my worth. Wait, worth? My family told me I am worthless and should die because I am trash most of the time of my life. Hahaha. Yeah. I'm trash. That's me. That's who I am now. That who I became. Trash.

Signing off | April 28, 2020 - 2:25pm

[thebrokenmasterpiece]

An Open Letter (About Me) | April 26, 2020 - 4:26 am | C J R

As I start the day and time is similar. April 26, 2020, 4:26am. Wow. I just thought of sharing about myself. (Sorry for my grammar. Please bare with it.) Take note this is just a summary or shorted story of my life (there is more behind these).

My life has a common story like other ordinary people. My story is not so easy has it seems. Bad and hard times, difficulties, sorrow but of course I also felt happiness, loved, care, blessed and peace.

Maybe some of you will say this story is so easy life and lucky one unlike to those who struggle since day one in the earth. For sure many of here will not believe, will judge, critize , curse and nag me because of my oh-so-pathetic-self pity-story-as-they-say, but who cares? It's my story to tell and my post to share. I am ready for your negativity because I'am full of it.

Ops, nah, I've decided that after this I will set aside my negativity and my badvibes in whole life. I will be more gracious thankful and honored to be still alive up, healthy and better until now. Here it goes.

My name is Camille Joy Juson Reyes but I preferred to be called by Cami / Mille but way back in college I used CJ as my nickname but I changed it for a reason and you will gonna know why. I'm 25 years old this year. Living on my own since last year (2019). My Father died when I was 7 years old because of heart disease. My Mother also died because of complications in her kidney and diabetes. I have 9 siblings but 1 of them died because of complication with kidney which the same disease that ends my Mother's life in earth. To top it up I am the youngest, the luckiest one they say.

Before my Father died my life is like a princess story. I have everything I've ever wanted a loving and happy family, decent and safe home, things like toys, bags, clothes, foods and so much to mention. Even though I have all I wanted there is still someone who will disagree to what I want to have and yup that's my Mother. She always nags and curses me everytime I tried to ask my Father to buy me this and those. She used abd always tells me "Tigilan mo kakapabili. Hindi tayo mayaman. Basura lang naman yang pinabibili mo (Stop asking so much, we aren't rich. Those things are trash.) So I stop asking my Father. But whenever he asked me what I want because I behave or got an award I will tell him but I say "Secret Papa" but in the end of the day my Mother will know about it and here and there she will shout how spoiled I am how brat I am. But I am thankful I have a complete and happy family or so I thought.

When my Father died everything changed. From being happy and complete to broken and uneasy life. My Mother became more conscious about money. She always think about what we gonna eat how we finish our study (by the way the time my Father died me and my other 4 siblings are still studying). My Sister (the eldest) helped Mother from bills to school fees and projects. She became our father thst time and until now (not after I left the house and started living on my own).

When our Father died one of my sister got pregant after a year. At first my Mother got angry and devastated because of my sister sudden pregnancy but later on she accepted and thought that baby is a gift from above to ease the pain she felt when her husband died. And that's how I started to change. Her grandchild became her most favorite. She always buy anything and everything and some of my toys and stuffed toy became my niece's property. She even released big amounth of money because of christening and first birthday of her grandchild. She even put her in a private school in kindergarten. How I envied my niece that time. How I wish I also got the chance to feel those special treatments. But it never happened.

When my niece still toddler my Mother bring her somewhere far seldom. So I am the one who always beside her. Going to market, going to bank, going to mall. I am the one who carried everything she bought. I am the one who stand to wait for a long line. And it changes when my niece started to grow up. She became the star and I am still nothing. Until it doesn't care anymore. I don't care if she got to celebrate her birthday with party and I am not. I don't care if she got a new toy and other stuffs and I don't. I don't care if I got scold because of her. I don't care if I got hit because of her. I don't care if she can stay inside my Mother's room and I am not even allowed to go inside without permission. I don't care if my Mother for the first time said that I shouldn't be here that it's better if I die. I don't care anymore.

I got bullied because of being "fat", "weak" and "crybaby". I never complained that to my Mother. I shut my mouth. I keep it in myself. Whenver I got home I will change clothes, eat (if there's a food to eat because sometimes we don't have) and do my assignment, project or so what, do house chores if there's any and repeat. My Mother shouts me I am lazy, worthless, stupid, idiot, dumb, trash and whatever hurtful words you can think whenver she see me doing nothing but watching or texting. She always see me doing nothing but when I do something? She still complains how pathetic and I am. When one of my sister left the house I started to use her room. I locked myself, listen to music and cry on my own. I became numb and torpid because of her. I even asked God "Why you have to get my Father instead of her?", "Why don't you just get me here?" "Are you even real?" kind of questions.

Honestly at the age of 10 I tried to kill myslef by drinking diswashing soap (my family doesn't know that. They don't know everything as always) but it didn't end my life. A pathetic failed suicide. My uncle (my Mother's brother) became so close to me 'coz I see my Father to him or so I thought. The more we got closer the more I became conscious because of how she touched, whispered and looked at me. Like someone will do something bad. And yes I am right. Year passed one afternoon I was sleeping in our living room (I'm alone because my sister got back and so to her room. My brother is also in his room. My Mother is also inside her room playing with her favorite gradchild. And yes I am alone). Our door is always close but not lock so anyone can sneak in and out. As for uncle he always like that come to our house and got in even without permission of course blood related. I felt someone touching and licking me in my private parts at first I thought it was a nightmare but when I slowly open my eyes I saw uncle licking my private part down there I push him away I wanted to scream but there's no voice coming out. I started to cry and hug myself. He sat beside me and ask for my forgiveness and he even offer me a money so I could shut my mouth. I didn't accept the money but he put it beside me and left. I thought that will be the first and last. But it just started there. He did it again. I wanted to ask my Mother's help I wanted her to help me but when I tried to tell her what her brother doing to but she opens up to me about her brother who is having a trouble to his family. She talked to me like I am a person who can help her. I listened I even saw my Mother cried because of sadness and angry because of her brother's family. She told me how good his brother, how generous, how kind, how selfless his brother. So I decided to keep it to myself. I let my uncle to those disgusting and dirty things to me because my Mother told me that uncle is sad and be nice to him. I don't want to see those eyes crying again because of sadness.

Until I got in high school. I thought it's the end. I thought it's new journey and a happy life for me. But no. It was still like hell. Uncle still do those disgusting acts to me. Worst is that he wanted me to touch his private part too but I disagree. Whenver he came to our house I always go to my sister's room or to my brother's room. Whenever he tried to lure me to come to him I will do something to avoid him. But of course it's not always like that. Worst thing he did to me is he fingered me and tried to put his private part to mine. But I told him if he still insist it I will report him to authority (not to my Mother of course) so he didn't forced me. But he asked me not to avoid him in return he will give me money and money and money. Because my Mother always complains to me how much my fees, projects, activities in school I decided to accept the money so I could use that to my study without asking for my Mother and my Sister. Worst thing that happened? My counsin (uncle's son) did the same to me. Damn this life. 4 years in high school is like 4 years playing fire on my hand. Before my high school endz I met my oh so second love (my Father was my first love) via social media. I met him because one of my niece knew him. He is sweet, loving, trustworthy again or so I thought. Day became months until I found out that he is a poser. But because he admitted and ask for my forgiveness I forgave him and continue our relation (without my family's permission). Months became year, again I found out that he is cheating on me. At first he denied it until I caught him with evidence so he admitted. I stop our communication there. But I still forgave him because he said he loved me truly it jist thst we are in a long distance relationship and not to mention thst we never meet. Damn I got hurt again because of my bullshit trust radar. Am I not worth for true? Am I not allowed to be loved? Am I not deserved to be happy?

Fast forward a little, when I got in college I swear to God how thankful I am to be far to uncle, his son and my Mother because my Sister decided that I will study in college in her side (Our eldest sister and 2 other brothers are living together to our grandparents' house (my Mother's parents) . So yippeed finally. I am free or so I thought. At first it was so fun. Living free and safe. I do my things. Help my Sister to her work sometimes or in the house. Until one of my brother (my youngest brother) came to my Sister's house and decided to stay, too. Still the same I do my things. But I noticed that I was the only one who helping our Sister. Like the hell is that? Because I am a girl? Because I should be the only one to do the chores? Damn it. But I push myself. I let it go. Still do the same. A year after one of my brother left the house because he wanted to start a family. My Sister got mad because he just graduated and didn't got a job but my brother decision is final because her girlfriend was pregrent. And ny other brother is giving my Sister a hard time because of his addiction to alcohol. Almost everyday he got drunk. Though he have his own family and living in the same roof. He even borrowed money to my Sister so many times (By the way he was the one I mentiobed above that died because of kidney complication.) but because my Sister is such an angel in disguise she always let it pass lent him money. Still fine until I got 18th. My Sister and her husband set a party for me. I am happy with that. So thankful that I could cele8my birthday on my own party. But after that it started to change.

The long I stayed to that house the bigger I got chance to know my Sister and for my opinion based on my experience she is soooooooooo like my Mother. Still thankful because I got in college and experiencing new stuffs. Back then I want to work and earn money while I am studying my Sister didn't allowed me. She make me chose between working or studying of course I chose to study. So my goal is to graduate have diploma and work. College isn't so easy so do life. When I left my Mother's house I seldom go there. I always excuse my class as a reason of not going back there. But day by day I started to miss her. To miss my old me, to miss my old life. How I wish I could bring my Father's life. So my life my family and me can back again to the old times. My Sister is supportive slash not. She supported me in my study but when it comes to activities in school she always mad and irritated. She and my Mother became paranoid for me being in a relationship because of my two sister who got pregnant and abandoned their child to my Mother. So whenever I go in a relationship it's always a secret (if your gonna ask if my past relationships does know about my past with uncle and cousin. The answer is no.) Lets go to my first one. The poser who cheated on me, we got in communication again after a half year. So we're good as friend. He talks sweet again he gave so much time he opened up about this relationship. We're good but I still have feelings for him but I knee isn't right. So I slowly end our conversation and communication without my knowledge he became close to my friend and ever closer to one of them as in closer where they got call sign or endearment to each other. No comment for that but I messaged him thst never ever flirt or let my girl friend falls to him especially he is damn taken abd I believed in his bullahit promised. Then one fine sunny day one of my friend confessed to me that girl friend of mine became MU of my ex (YUP HE IS TAKEN ALREADY AND MY GIRL FRIEND KNEW ABOUT IT. HOW SLUT RIGHT?) Now I got mad totally mad I even cursed him to go to hell both of them. Not because of jealousy but because of betrayal.

A two years passed by and I am 17th. I changed my course. I got new friends. Same school, same environment. But I became more adventurous, fearless and curious about everything. So before my 18th I decided to lose my virginity though not so clean by the way because of uncle and his son but it was a shock to me and an epic one when we (a guy who I met again on social media but this one I met him) decided to do that in hotel but unexpected visitor came too early than usual. So the blood I thought comes from my visit is a blood from my virginity but my boyfriend that time thought it was just a mensuration and I am not a virgin and accused me of being a liar. After that epic situation he started to be cold and avoid my messages. So I decided to end our relationshit. Shit. I was the devasted and overthinking that no one will accept me. That my Mother and Sister is right I am trash, worthless, stupid, nonsense. That they are right I should have die long ago. So I repeat myself again. Lock myself, isolated myself, be an introvert.

So I became cold. And careful to my actions. I became bitter. I became pistanthrophobia. One of my new sets of friend introduced me to someone she knew. He is kind, sweet and loveable like the other guys. But I gave him a chance I doesn't feel the love I felt before but still it work out for 1 year and 2 months I guess? We just broke up because I got tired of his drama like hello my life is full of sucks of drama though I understand him but he never understand me that's why I got tired of him. He wanted to build his own family but he doesn't even know how his family will survive because of property. I wanted him to dream more. I wanted him to achieve his goal before settling down. And so for me I stop getting in a relationship. So I could focus on my study. But oh I'm such a flirt I met this guy on clash of clans. We got along together. And after a few months we're together. He knew about my past. He accepted me for who I was and I am now. He accepted my family's flaw. Until now we're together. We're living together. But before we ended here we were in a long distance relationship for almost 3 years. Fast forward again, I was already working, back then I was a kitchen helper/staff. I used CJ as my nickname like college because I got a lot of same name in school and im work. But I quit after 6 months because of my Mother. She asked me to quit and find another one which more decent and nice one but here finding a job is like finding true love DAMS SO HARD. LIKE, YOU NEED AN EXPERIENCE TO GET A JOB BUT YOU HAVE TO GET A JOB TO GET EXPERIENCE. DAMN THOSE HRDO'S QUALIFICATION STUPIDITY LEVEL. Well thanks to my Sister who helped me to found another job way, way better than before. I am thankful for that super! Such a big help. Super blessed to have a sister like her (though most of the time I'm unappreciated by her and our Mother.)

Ops! Not yet the ending. I wanted you to know why I left. 2019 my Mother died. I am hurt of course though we don't have those mother moments and bonding I still respect and love her. After she died things changes again. The flaw in the house. The way other people talks. It all changed. My Sister's husband who supposedly one of my admiration because of his patience became most hated one. He spread false accusations to me and other siblings without my Sister's knowing of course. In front of my sister she's a goodman saint but behind her back he is the worst. He stab people behind our back. He makes stories like he is the best writer. After all those years that my Sister and "his" sacrifices to make me finished college and got a fine and decent job (Everything my Sister gave me was his, too.) he said behind my back that I'm ungrateful, worlthless, brainless, trash. How do I know? Of course those people he was talking to was people who's good to me. I got tired of those bullshit again. My sister and I had fought because of she had I idea that because of her husband why I itching to leave that house.

But no one can stop me. I decided to live on my own. So those trashtalks can be true now because that's how it really looks like. My boyfriend worried that I will live on my own so he suggested to live with him so we ended together in one roof. No one calls me trashy words. No one hoping me to die. No one wishing me bad.

But to be honest I am grateful and thankful for all those struggle I've encountered I became who I am. I ask God for his graciously love and forgiveness for getting tired for life he lent to me. I ask my parents, their wisdom and understanding why I ended here. And knowing that my sister isn't good at my decisions I hope one day he'll open her eyes and her mind along with her heart to realized the real reasion why I decided to live on my own (by the way I left on the exact birthday of my Mother. First birthday that she isn't here). I'm blessed those I started in a hard time.

Full of loans before starting. Full of problems to my life. Full of what ifs on my mind. Full of sorrow on my heart. But in thr name of God and Jesus with all the good saints up there I know I can make it. I will make it.

PS. I don't mention anyone's name except me for not involving them so I used pronoun. I don't want to be more complicated. I wanted to share this story. For those who felt unloved, betrayed, worthless. It's okay. You are not the only one. Keep it up and open your heart and mind to appreciate God's love and bless and you will found unconditional loving and support.

The End. | April 26, 2020 - 8:17 am

[thebrokenmasterpiece]

• Dream and Work •

"When you start dreaming. You should start planning to work it hard."

- BitchGoddess|CJJR