#this is my main account i like never post on
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five
lance stroll x leclerc!twin
summary: the one where collette is charles' twin but is a genius and owns her own company and after a big fight, she decides to invest in aston martin, and the rest is kinda explanatory
main masterlist | master list | taglist | buy me a coffee! | pateron | still taking requests! | feedback form!!
likes comments and reblogs appreciated!!
a/n some of the face claims will not be liz gilles, so please bear with me
a/n 2: i also have a rough idea of the next series...let me know if you want a rough summary...
©vroomvroommuppett | i do not give the right for my works to be posted, copied or translated anywhere.
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collettemargot
liked by lance_stroll, astonmartinf1, and others
collettemargot life lately 💚
tagged: lance_stroll
lance_stroll Love you
user her aesthetic >>>
user miss privacy could never
astonmartinf1 goals
fransisca.cgomes LINDAAAAAAAAA
user mommy
user love love love
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alexandrasaintmleux posted a story
[amour]
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collettemargot
liked by fransisca.cgomes, carmenmmundt, and others
collettemargot girl night out
tagged: carmenmmundt, fransisca.cgomes, flavy.barla, iamrebeccad
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iamrebeccad love
lilyzneimer sad i missed!
collettemargot we missed you lil!
flavy.barla linda
lance_stroll Beautiful
lilymhe next time i'll be there!
fransisca.cgomes so much fun!
bawsixteen Can we talk?
vroomvroommuppett bawsixteen is charles' alleged private account
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tag list @joaofelixml @angelluv16 @ilivbullyingjeongin @that-aesthetic-chic @lieswithoutfairytales @alice-went-away @minmira95 @bingewatche @queen-aria-things @2pagenumb @d3kstar @formulaal @lady-laura-speaks @abookmouse @anamiad00msday @barcelonaloverf1life @blushmimi @charllleclerc @dark-night-sky-99 @fall-bambi @formulaonebuff @gr3yhues @heavy-vettel @ietss @il0vereadingstuff @magical-spit @mypage-myfandoms @nichmeddar @nikfigueiredo @noooway555 @norstappenvibes @novelswithariana @raizelchrysanderoctavius @samantha-chicago @stupid---person
#f1#formula 1#formula 1 imagine#formula one#f1 smau#f1 instagram au#f1 social media au#f1 x oc#f1 fake social media#formula one instagram au#formula 1 social media au#f1 fluff#f1 imagine#f1 fanfic#f1 fanfiction#my works ♡#lance stroll#lance stroll x oc#lance stroll fake instagram au#lance stroll instagram au#lance stroll social media au#lance stroll smau#lance stroll fluff#lance stroll fanfic#lance stroll fanfiction#lance stroll imagine#k's daylight smau
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—- lunch munch club. ft schlatt. ᝰ
summary: watching porn late one night when you come across an interesting video. you're taken by surprise when you see the main male star is also the man who's streams you tune into almost daily.
— tags: smut, lunch club!schlatt, munch schlatt, mentions of oral, schlatt does purn (duh), open ending.. so we can expand upon this if we're interested.
authors note: hii! the two ideas i had originally can wait, because the lovely @fanficfox posted something about lc!schlatt doing porn and it struck me with inspo. so! everyone say thank you fox, and i hope you all enjoy! ♡
it's not uncommon for you to have some time to just yourself and the stash of porn videos that pop up on your twitter feed
twitter algorithm knows what to give you these days, which is nice. it saves you the hassle of finding a good account
but perhaps twitter knows you a little too well, when you're recommended a video of a guy eating a girl out
and you're intrigued of course, because who doesn't love that? especially when the camera is on her chest, helping entice you into the experience. as if it were you
the video is already a few seconds in by the time you click on it, and you're introduced to the scene with obscene moans escaping the girl
you can see her thighs tremble around the head in between her thighs, her free hand reaching out to run her fingers through the male's hair
you can hear muffled groans from in between her thighs, and you watch as the head moves back slightly, taking a breath
"god sweetheart, you taste so fuckin' good. could stay down here all night and take my sweet time with you."
that's when a shiver runs through your body, because oh. that sounded like.. and you supposed when you looked at the figure of the male, and the hair..
no. you were being stupid. of course you were. why on earth would schlatt of all people do porn. you know what he's like, he wouldn't
but oh, he would. and when he raises his head from beneath the girl's thighs with his lips glistening with her slick, you're frozen
it's as if your mind has short-circuited, because what the fuck?? you have so many questions; why was schlatt doing porn, why was he not making it subtle, why was he fucking good at it?
you don't have time to focus on your own questions, because your eyes are drawn back to the screen. you watch as his slim, naked body crawls up the bed, getting closer to the camera, licking his lips slowly as he groans
"words can't describe how good that was. need you to taste yourself, baby."
and with that, he's leaning over the camera to lock lips with the girl
immediately you close the tab. your whole being is flushed, and you feel hot inside for many reasons
you felt like you shouldn't have seen that, like you were.. intruding. which was stupid, he put this on the internet, there's nothing private about that
you decided you'd sleep it off. or that maybe this was a bizarre dream you'd wake up from not too long from now. anything but clicking back onto it
and yet only 10 minutes later, you had re-opened the tab
the next evening, schlatt is streaming and you try to watch it like normal. as if last night didn't happen
but you couldn't
now, every time he makes a suggestive joke or comment, you're transported back to last night
when he rolls his shoulders and cracks his neck mid-stream, you remember how he looked doing it in the video, before he crawled towards the camera
when he licks his lips after taking a drink, getting the remnants of whatever liquid he had consumed from them, you can only see him licking the girl's slick off himself
you felt insane, like you couldn't act normal about it
and maybe it was part of the insanity, but it felt like he knew.
maybe you were just psychoanalysing his every move now, but you could've sworn he was never like this before.. he was
you decided to test the waters with a few donations littered throughout the night
when he has ordered food in and was wolfing it down, there were scraps and sauces across his lips
"are you always this messy? i thought you liked to take your time with things."
when he's reviewing a video and he's talking a lot over a particular section
"you ever been told you talk too much, or do people usually like that?"
or, when he's playing a poorly made hide 'n' seek game with fans
"i'm not sure you're as good at hiding things as you may think."
"oops, 'things' autocorrected in."
every time schlatt hears one of your donations come through tts, he feels a shiver run down his back
he knew his little side hustle wasn't exactly locked behind security, it was just.. out there
maybe he was overthinking it, reading too much into your donations for no reason
either way, he's noting down your name on a sticky note on his desk for next stream for.. reasons.
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I love the name of this blog it is so creative. Like this was an actual place where you can come whenever you want and there are lots of “danger contamination” signs around while parasites/Fresh are around.
Its kinda funny the reason I named it this actually. I made this blog because I wanted a place I could post suggestive art and even soft-core porn, mainly about Fresh, without posting it to my main account, which I know has a lot of minors following it. So this would be the place I "contained" all my weird fetish content.
.. but than a lot of people followed here, so I never did start posting that type of thing HAHA. Its too late I think, already 800 people follow here, and I know for a fact many are kids, so ahh, no nsfw account for me!
Ah, if there's any confusion, I'm okay with minors and stuff following here, I'm not planning on posting anything like that anymore.
didn't mean to make puppy look so concerned HAHA
#I don't mind too terribly. I'm happy as long as I can post art of Fresh#anywayyy I Just post any suggestive content or any on my bsky#sona puppy#puppydraws#puppy barks#not fresh#anon#suggestive mention#???
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It’s disappointing to see how your account has shifted from being a space for all Rings of Power fans to something that seems… much more selective. You present yourself as ‘open’ and ‘okay with different opinions’, but when actual concerns are raised, especially about the harassment and hate certain fans have been sending, or confessions about ships different from Haladriel/Saurondriel, you go silent or dismiss it, or even allow opposite takes to be shared (such as some absolutely borderlining hate).
You used to share a broader range of thoughts, call out racism in the fandom, and now it feels like only certain perspectives are truly welcome (is that because the main antis share the same ship as you?...). If this is a space primarily for Haladriel fans or those who want to focus on Annatar/Sauron/Galadriel discourse, that’s fine! But at this point, I think it would be more honest to rename the blog to something like ‘Haladriel Confessions’ or ‘Annatar Discourse Central’ instead of pretending it’s a neutral space?....
I genuinely hope you’ll reflect on this and consider if your blog is truly welcoming to all Rings of Power fans, or just the ones who align with your own preferences.
Hi Anon,
Thanks for your message. I only started this blog for something to do in my spare time and to take my mind off some life changing events happening in my life right now which has been having a negative impact on me. I'm autistic/ADHD so big change can throw me sideways and the show/fandom has been helpful and distracting on my bad days and I've made a few close friends through it on other platforms.
I used to run a confessions blog here years ago in The Hobbit fandom and never experienced such negative backlash back then, even when I posted opinions on ships like Tauriel/Legolas or Bilbo/Thorin.
I'm sorry you're disappointed with what I post, you're right, I should be more open to people's opinions (within reason of course). I'll sometimes read a submission and won't know if it'll hurt someone's feelings or not and I'll struggle to decide whether to post something or not. I obviously don't want to hurt people's feelings but I guess they can also block the blog?
I do support Haladriel yes but that doesn't mean I'm biased at all, I respect all thoughts in regards to the ship and definitely not the type to attack someone for having different views, like some people do I've seen. Maybe I'm too soft idk. I guess I just don't want to receive the hate or slander. I've had some nasty anons which I delete and don't respond to.
I don't know what to do any more, honestly. Of course I want to welcome all RoP fans and opinions, I'm just trying to keep everyone happy without being called a bigot. I'm also a mixed race person so I'll call out racism all day every day. <3
#rings of power#the rings of power#trop#lotr#lord of the rings#the lord of the rings#haladriel#anon ask
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Your posts make me giggle
Waiter! More giggle inducing posts, please!!
Hehehe *twirls hair*
I'll see what I've got on the menu!
This made me giggle the other day, I was thinking about how Fulgrim would have an overcomsumption core tiktok, but it's not his main account.
Like 'restock my fridge with me' where he compeltely fills a fridge that he never really uses because he has a personal chef, also definitely has one of those ice drawers with all the different molds. Or his 30-step night routine that has a shot of the shower with 40 colour coordinated bottles that are all absurdly expensive.
Drags other primarchs on to do their makeup or hair every so often, but it's mainly Ferrus. Their audiences don't overlap at all, and Ferrus' followers hate fulgrim's content.
Definitely get cancelled and would crash out because of it. That was his modern au fall to chaos.
#My first ask!#Ferrus' followers named themselves the iron hands after his account 'the iron hand'#the only thing on his account is him working on metal work projects in his workshop#still getting used to how to actually be invovled in a community#just so giddy#cogi questions#warhammer 40k#fulgrim
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I died for a bit there but here is healthy old man yoai or whatever the kids are saying.
#gravity falls#digital art#art#doodles#artists on tumblr#stanley pines#gravity falls stanley#stanford pines#fiddleford mcgucket#fiddlestan#fiddleford x stanley#I never see them draw as old men in love. I understand that but I donno I wanna see it#I thought about posting this on main but I was too ashamed#then I remembered I made an account for that!#yippee!#I need to stop being so embarrassed by some of my art but#I haven’t rewatched the show recently and I don’t feel like I’ll get them in character enough#uhhh I don’t think I have anymore tags byyye
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My hand is cramping so I'm rebloging (He's in the bottom left corner)
my miscellaneous adventures in 2025 lantern rite
day 1!
(inspired by @oneshimaru
#genshin impact#adhd#artistic#genshin#lol memes#my artwork#my art#chongyun#I like chongyun if you hadn't noticed#this is my main account i like never post on#doodles#day 72
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im gonna start posting fanfic recs btw whenever i find good ones. both here and my (awfully barren) 18+ account. because there are so many good fics out there with so few hits and fewer kudos and sometimes no comments period and it SUCKS because i REALLY LIKE THEM A LOT.. and i hope that by linking them here and yelling at everyone to COMMENT DAMMIT they might actually do it
seriously though any comment means a lot. most people who read a fic don’t even give a kudos. even if the fic wasn’t top tier, if you didn’t dislike it, hand over some kudos!! and if you liked it, comment!!!! even if the comment is one singular heart emoji it will be appreciated. if the comment just says “great fic!” the author will be happy. your comment doesn’t have to be this long winded gushing or analysis.
so many authors quit writing or lose motivation because the comments are few and far in between or just sometimes nonexistent. trust me when i say authors don’t care about how long or cool or smart sounding your comment is i promise!!!
i hope that mmmaybe recommending fics and telling people to comment might help fics i really like get more support maybe. and i, points at you reading this, hope that you will listen!!!at least a little….at least sum kudos….
#if u have the ability to reply to my reblog saying how much you loved the fic i recommended comment on the fic itself so the author can see!#especially since the rise of ai writing and seeing ai fics out there can be disheartening#make sure you let your writers know you appreciate them#you never know they might one day write a sequel bc your comment touched them#or might get the motivation to make more works.#(but don’t just comment bc you expect something out of it btw. sometimes the author might be too intimidated to reply ive seen that before)#im a huge yapper. if you can’t tell. lmfao.#and i mostly comment on guest. like 99% of the time because the fics are either really embarrassing#or i get nervous about them knowing me/finding my tumblr and thinking im cringw#bc i admire authors so much. and I get that nervousness! given I experience it!!! but guest mode EXISTS!!! most work allows you to comment#on guest mode!! the author CANT see the email you use for it!!! the only reason they even ask is to give you notifs if theres a reply to it!#a comment is still a comment even if on guest or an alt or your main#even if the fic is embarrassing shameful depraved smut you can log out and comment on guest. even if it’s embarrassing#because the author still worked HARD. it’s so hard to write. people don’t give enough credit to fic authors who do it for free#i had an account (now super abandoned) that had over 400k words. and that didn’t include wips#i reallg do struggle to write because i took a break for so long!!! i can write but not nearly as much as I used to!!! and it sucks!!!#support your authors guys. 1k words is an hour for the first draft at MINIMUM and another hour for revision and editing. and people get#pissy if a fic chapter is less than 3-4k words for some reason. that’s 6-8 hours of work at MINIMUM. likely so much more because there’s#also plotting and brainstorming and So. Much. Editing. stressing out over words and sentence structure. it takes so much time out of your#day. the only oneshot i have posted on this account is 2460 words. and it took me SEVEN HOURS#seven hours!!!! that’s a lot!!!! and for authors that have school or demanding jobs that kind of time is hard to come by!!!!!#and I hope i have convinced at least one of you to listen and go okay you know what. i will. because even if it’s a silly comment it’s loved#tldr support your local fanfic authors of you will be so stabbed. by me#fanfiction#fanfic#archive of our own#ao3#comment on fics#wick fic recs#that’s the rec tag btw. wow custom tags AGAIN i know. im doing what i thought i never would
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i feel like im not making any sense but does anyone else feel like there are stories that let u run with them and ones that spell everything out for you
#im reading that post that says artists are directors of audience reaction and not its dictator:#'you cannot guarantee that everyone viewing your work will react as you are trying t make them react. a good artist knows that this is what#allows work to breath. by definition you cannot have art where the viewer brings nothing to the table ... this is why you have to let go of#the urge to plainly state in text exactly how you think the work should be interpreted ... its better to be misinterpreted sometimes than#to talk down to your audience. you wont even gain any control that way; people will still develop their opinions no matter what you do#im thinking abt this again cuz i was thinking maybe the thing that lets adventure time work so well the way it does is cuz it doesnt#take itself too seriously that it gives the audience enough room to fuck with subtext and then fuck with them back yknow. i think it was#mentioned somewhere that they werent even planning to run with the postapocalyptic elements that are hinted in the show but changed their#mind after the one off with the frozen businessmen and dominoed into marcy and simons backstory. on the other side there are stories that#explain too much to let the story speak for itself and i think it ends up having to do more with the crew trying to lead ppl in a certain#direction than expand on what they have and i see a lot of this with miraculous. like when interviews and tweets are used as word of god in#arguments and it becomes a little stifling to play around with it knowing the creator can just interject. u can say its the crews effort to#engage with its audience but it feels more like micromanaging. and none of this is to say there ISNT room for stories that spell things out#theyre just suited for different things. if sesame street tried abstract approaches to themes and nuance itd be counterproductive#a lot of things fly over my head so i need help picking things apart to get it- but it doesnt have to be from the story itself. ive picked#picked up or built on my own interpretations listening to other ppl share their thoughts which creates conversation around the same thing#sometimes stories will spell things out for you without being so obvious abt it that it feels like its woven into the text. my fav example#for this might be ATLA using younger characters as its main cast but instead of feeling like its dumbed down for kids to understand why war#is bad its framed from a childs point of view so younger audiences can pick up on it by relating to the characters. maybe an 8 year old#wont get how geopolitics works but at least they get 'hey the world is a little more complicated than everyone vs. fire nation'. same for#steven universe bc its like theyre trying to describe and put feelings into words that kids might not have so they have smth to start with#especially with the metaphors around relationships bc even if it looks unfamiliar as a kid now maybe the hope is for it to be smth you can#look back to. thats why it feels like these shows grew up with me.. instead of saving difficult topics for 'when im ready for it'#as if its preparing me for high school it gave me smth to turn in my hands and revisit again and again as i grow. stories that never#treated u as dumb all along. just someone who could learn and come back to it as many times as u need to. i loved SU for the longest time#but i felt guilty for enjoying it hearing the way ppl bash it. bc i was a kid and thought other ppl understood it better than me and made#feel bad for leaning into the message of paying forward kindness and not questioning why steven didnt punish the diamonds or hold them#accountable. but im rewatching it now and going oh. i still love this show and what it was trying to teach me#yapping#diary
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i want to talk about this scene briefly, it’s such a short scene only being about two minutes in length but this scene here is what sets dex completely on the path to becoming bullseye. no matter what, dex was going to become bullseye. nothing would’ve changed that. but this scene he completely falls into fisk’s grasp and manipulations, which sets him on a path he cannot turn back from.
the scene after when matt and ray break into his apartment, the first thing dex does is burn his therapy tapes. the therapy tapes are something that were vital to dex the majority of his life, he always kept them at arms reach to keep him in line. they were his emotional coping mechanism. so him burning them here is another crucial moment into his descent into bullseye, a destruction of his past life and coping strategies and another thing that makes the primal scream scene with fisk being something dex gives into so easily because he has nothing else. the one friend he thought he had, ray, had just lied to his face about being there for him and broken into his apartment and stolen his therapy tapes (even though matt stole them, dex didn’t know that.) matt and ray breaking into his apartment shattered the remaining sense of self he had left, in his eyes they completely violated his sense of self. his gun safe was the “real” him he kept from the world, but was something he cherished because they defined him. they had his coping mechanisms within them, the tapes being his emotional support and his weapons being his physical control. so matt and ray just breaking into his space, defiling it by listening to his therapy tapes without him knowing and then stealing them was a breaking point for him.
and fisk picks up these shattered pieces, and quite literally picking dex up from the ground in this scene and pulls him into his arms, are said pieces that will eventually build dex into the bullseye persona that he is in the comics. because that’s all he has left. dex already had these parts of bullseye within him, but he was also capable of genuine kindess and other good traits, and fisk made sure when picking up the pieces of dex to pick up the ones that would benefit only fisk, and leave out the potential goodness dex had within him. everything that fisk leaves him with by the end of the season are his negative traits and negative thoughts, which will make his volatility and instability as bullseye on another level. it’s just masterful writing i could go on and on for hours but i’ll stop myself here lol.
#will anybody read this idk#i could go on and on about how since the tapes and weapons were in the same place how violence will become his main coping mechanism as#bullseye so easy for him to fall into bcus how violence is all he knows but i wont i wont i have so many dex analyses in my brain and on my#and on my ig spam account but out of fear i wont share them lol#i usually refrain my character analyses to my spam account out of fear of being perceived LMAAOAOAOA#so if anyone likes this and reacts maybe i’ll post more but if they dont i wont. i will delete this and pretend it never happened#benjamin poindexter#bullseye#daredevil#wilson bethel#mcu#marvel#character analysis#3x08#wilson fisk
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every writer who said writing for yourself in the sense of not giving a shit about anything other than your writing and posting content for fun and replying to friends and mutuals or the two readers who actually comment on your stuff and hype you up, were so right. because once you become a little bit selfish as a writer and only give attention to those give attention to you, being on here is so fun!
#like even as a ‘big’ account to some people i barely get rbs on anything i post#and if it’s part of a fandom ppl don’t follow me for it’s like non existent#but i stopped caring about notes a long time ago and just focused on the main constant readers i have#because that’s what matters to me#the readers who interact with me and the mutuals who hype me up#if someone is too ‘good’ to show love on my work then i’m not going to give them space in my brain#i’ve curated this space of love and enjoyment and it’s going to stay that way#i write what i love post it interact on it when or if someone else does and then i never look at the notes#it’s such a peace of mind and i actually love it on here wow#here laur goes again..
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I know I've posted about nothing but my job lately, but I am really struggling right now...
I honestly think one of the greatest failures of our modern education system is that teachers are expected to exhibit patience and forgiveness beyond anything that would be expected in other career fields.
Genuinely, I think the world would be a lot more functional (and better educated) currently if teachers were just allowed to be a little more real with students and tell them that, yeah, actually, it's not acceptable to continue making the same mistake after being corrected on it twelve times.
Of course, I fully understand instructors cannot expect students to master concepts they're never been taught.
But if a concept or rule has been clearly communicated to the student multiple times, it is honestly just not reasonable to expect a high grade while still continuing to make all the same mistakes. If a student refuses to learn the material, they just shouldn't pass. If I give a student a step-by-step video walk-through for how to handle basic formatting and they still fuck it up because they didn't bother to even watch the video, they should lose points. Like is that rocket science???
Imagine being a cashier, being taught the proper procedure for closing out a register multiple times, and then still fucking it up every single time you have to close.
Would you be employed as a cashier for very long? No!
Man, I don't even know. I know I'm just ranting at this point because I'm disappointed, but... Really, I do think that teachers should just be allowed to be a little more real. Sometimes calling people out for not putting in the minimum effort is fair.
If a student makes the same basic mistake after I've corrected them 20 times, it should be socially acceptable for me to tell them to stop wasting my time--and wasting their own time--in a class they don't intend to learn anything from.
I'm so tired...
#irl stuff#don't get me wrong#there are so many rewards to teaching#but the current college environment is actually insane#students literally come into literature classes#fully planning to never read a single word#of either the assigned readings#OR EVEN THE ASSIGNMENT INSTRUCTIONS#god save me#this brought to you by my summer students#even after I provided them a SPECIFIC bullet point list of which readings have their titles in italics and which are in quotation marks#and then posted this list as a class announcement#THEN sent it as a class message#THEN sent it to their student email accounts#90% of them STILL fucked it up in their essays#LIKE NO OFFENSE#but why are you even in a college class if you have no desire to pay attention to any information provided in the class???#if the first piece of advice I give you on your rough draft is that you misspelled the MAIN character's name#and then you turn in a final draft where the name is STILL misspelled#I should legally be allowed to roll up your essay and beat you with it#just saying
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I know you all are awaiting my response, and I’m grateful for your patience. There are some things I have to address here. Never wanted to put everything out there—I don’t like drama on my blog. I have a document that’s over a thousand words long, but I realized that when people have blocked me and are saying stuff in the main tag, they don’t want to listen. They just want to hurt me.
So I guess now there are things I have to clarify… it’s heavy, but I tried to keep it short. I didn’t have the energy to read everything they were saying about me so I may get things wrong. I didn’t really want to post this.
Content warnings for mental illness, suicidal ideation, mentions of abuse.
Let’s get right into it.
1. I’ve always lived with the paranoid delusion that everyone was conspiring against me, that people secretly hated me and would smear me behind my back. I passed these off as negative thoughts, anything that might’ve “confirmed” this would set it off. I’d have an episode I would have to deal with on my own. I thought that nobody would stick with me in a crisis, and I would always be thinking along the lines of, “is it all over?”
I feel liberated, now. There’s no need to fight when they’re true. I am more at peace with myself.
2. I never want to hurt anyone. Not a real level, the angst stuff is fictional pain. I am autistic—the things you’re hearing me say are the first times I’ve talked to people (other than my family) for my entire life. I always want people to go to me when I do something wrong so I can handle it and learn from my mistakes, that’s why I have my bio set to what it is.
That, and my memory is so fuzzy that I can’t remember too much from even last week. I tend to dissociate and my brain turns into mush.
3. The “minor incident” that Ghouse and the others were talking about was one of his mods saying she’d “tear people apart” and then immediately citing me as the main cause because I was “being rude.” I told her why I was taking a break, as I couldn’t handle it, this had happened before and I asked them to correct me if I was wrong—even confirming multiple times that we were just joking around because I was paranoid.
I suggested they go straight to me for future reference. I was having a mental health episode. She called me crazy and that I was overreacting, implying I was stupid. Another mod told me I was overreacting and that I was acting pathetic and childish. This made point 1 so much worse.
4. The “suicide baiting” was something I told the Panic Room server in confidence. I told them I was talking a break. Ghouse said “it wasn’t that bad but okay,” as if he were gaslighting me. He said things like this as I was sobbing alone in my room, which he was well aware of.
I have to clarify that it wasn’t baiting. Suicidal ideation has been something I’ve been dealing with since I was 9 years old. I have been abused/gaslit for more of my life than I have been safe. I never wanted to say this, but they were brushing me off at a point where I was trying to find a reason to live. I had stupidly thought that they would understand what they were doing to me if I said.
5. That was the first time I had an episode like that. To say that it was baiting is to say I was lying. Let’s play devil’s advocate here.
If I were lying for attention, why would I destroy all my relationships in a single night? Why wouldn’t I make art or something along those lines? They’re big on art.
If I wasn’t, then that would mean that I was having a few bad days and they did nothing to help me… beyond condescendingly saying that I need help. I don’t blame the minors in the server, I’m talking about Ghouse, who is older than I am by around 2 years. I told them I called 988 and it didn’t really work. He continued to tell me off.
After I was kicked I was made aware that they immediately started insulting me. Whether you believe me or not, purposely attacking someone who’s mentally ill is… too far. I hadn’t done anything to them before this incident.
6. The reasons I freaked out was because I was sad that I had unintentionally hurt people, I had started a new, dangerous job, and… well, to be honest, I was terrified.
They were making me forget that I’d been hurt. I was starting to trust them. I had been starting to look forward to tomorrow. And, I was so scared that it would all be over. I didn’t know when, just that it would be.
Now, it is.
7. I may very well have been joking around with everything while on the server, but serious topics were serious. I was never “demeaning” when Ghouse was venting about something that happened to him beyond a couple of lighthearted comments. I thought they’d have the same respect for me. Again, I had confirmed multiple times that I was joking.
8. I might not have done much wrong in the Panic Room situation, but the other things that people are saying about me? I had no idea.
That was the first time I’d ever heard of them.
In the past, my autism had gone completely unchecked. some of those things were from when I was a week into being on my first server… ever. I was 17, had no idea how to check for age or even pronouns. Never used anything but tumblr, never interacted with anyone. Never went to school or even had a job at that point. I more tried to figure out everything based off of my own experiences… which was, not good. To say the least. The things I did, in my head, I thought they were “normal.” This doesn’t make it less terrible, but I hadn’t even remembered some of the incidents until someone pointed it out. It was so mundane to me—I was a messed up child. I’m sorry for this.
8. I wasn’t the best person, I really wasn’t. I didn’t know how to “mask” my traits at that time, I was excited to be able to talk to people. I was protective over my friends (my first friends! ever!) and very clingy. I didn’t know that people held characters close to their hearts, either? (When I have a favorite, I only want to hurt them, you see)
So while the doc was deliberately taking things out of context, some of the other accusations are true, unfortunately. I will be posting my DMs between me and the people on the server in my doc.
9. I have explanations for what I’ve seen of the accusations, but I don’t really recall anything from that incident over 3 years ago… if someone had told me, or even confronted me, I’d have known what was wrong. But they didn’t, and they kept talking to me like everything was normal. I was completely unaware. This is most of the reason I thought people were plotting against me—people would be cold to me and I wouldn’t know why. The worst part is that I can’t apologize. I can’t even try to rectify anything. Some of the people in that server still played PAYDAY 2 with me, some would even reply to my DMs. I had… no idea.
I have hurt people. Unknowingly, but still. I apologize to anyone I’ve affected. Most of it was not knowing how basic social media functions worked. I hope you understand that my behavior was out of line, and that I didn’t mean for any of this to happen. Don’t defend me on that, I was entirely wrong. But… smearing me in the fandom tag instead of going to me directly means that they want to attack me. They don’t want an explanation.
All of my actions were genuine. I never intended to hurt anyone, but that’s what ended up happening. I’ll put more detail into the doc.
10. I was already going to take a break. I was already doing poorly, and the server knew this. At that point, they want me to go through with it. What else would they be saying when they do all of this? Unless I’m reading that wrong. Whatever the reason is, they don’t want to help me, they’re deliberately being malicious and they know I wasn’t baiting.
Although, I guess I have to thank them. Now, I can say that I wasn’t delusional. I can say that I was too smart for my own good. How crazy does it sound to think that everyone was just waiting to betray me? But… they were. I can begin to trust myself again, even if it’s accepting some of my “negative thoughts” as reality. I won’t be reaching out to anyone I don’t already know, and there is safety in never putting myself out there again.
Thank you to everybody who stuck around. My delusions… weren’t entirely correct. Just like how most of my former friends blocked me on sight, there were a few people who didn’t mind when I wasn’t responding. There are some people who believed in me to a point where even if all those accusations were true, they believed that I could change. That’s… something I never thought I’d hear, ever, in my life. That is a form of trust I don’t deserve, really.
So, I was wrong again. Not everyone wanted me gone. It took all of this for me to realize that there were people who loved me in the truest form of it.
As for everyone who cut me off… well, I hope you understand that because of my mental issues, I can never trust you beyond a professional level. It is for my own wellbeing, because I’m still not doing good. I will still be taking that break. The PAYDAY 2 fandom was a source of reprieve for me, and now it’s not. It wasn’t an accident that it turned out that way. All my safe spaces have been taken from me. I don’t know why the Panic Room server hated me, so I can’t provide any extra insight on that.
The truth is, I haven’t been around because I’ve been dealing with depression for a long time. I’ve been passively… yknow. Not actively. I haven’t had the energy to respond to anything on most days, I’m sorry for that :(
All of this was just the breaking point, really.
Thank you for reading. I know most people won’t, but I appreciate those who do. I won’t blame the rest of you if you all decide to leave as well, I understand that. I never made the blog for other people, I made it for myself. This whole thing will serve as a reminder that there are more important things than online spaces. Can’t get therapy because I’m broke, but I can enjoy the few things I still can… even if I’m reminded of what I’ve lost. I don’t think I’ll really be here anymore, but I will be okay.
#tw suicide mention#tw mental illness#tw abuse#I’m not putting it in main tag#I know that nobody will believe me#the document I have has pictures and photos with evidence#I’ll post it on a different account about a month from now#I don’t like drama on my blog#beyond the things that ppl have taken from years ago plus my breakdown on the panic room server I haven’t done anything else#(excluding a personal fight me and an ex-confidant had that was only between me and them. it involved no one else)#also… “salty wet’’ was the worst thing I said in the server. ever#because I am ace and I’ve never written actual….. yknow…… before.#the panic room would say downright s*xual things on the daily; with Ghouse never really discouraging them from doing so#I have a screenshot of him replying to a minor like this too#it was very common#…#but I will put it in the doc instead#all of the things tarot card put in their doc was taken out of context#it’s kind of weird that Ghouse is having a minor lead his charge?#he was talking about moving in with a minor… if he really cared about inappropriate conduct he wouldn’t talk about that#…oh. and; some people who blocked me had commissions in progress#so if they’re reading this… keep the playlist. keep the money. I understand. it was fun while it lasted.#those things belong to you now
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I love making aus that no one asked for
#currently working on a tmnt one that will never see the light of day#it's oc focused#RAHH#(oc lowkey stands for self insert in this instance)#JKJKJKJK (she was in fact not kidding)#I'm gonna make a secret ao3 account so I don't have to feel ashamed about posting it on my main /j#there's literally nothing justifying on my main account rn anyways#like#I tell people I'm a writer#and like people have actually told me they like my writing style#but everything that I've posted on my ao3 is either old or just lazy#minus like 2 things#(the fantasy au thing and an angsty rise one shot I posted)#(the one shot WAS ALSO OLD)#someone needs to put me in a federal (writers) prison
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how the fuck do you art 😵💫
i was attempting to make a pfp for insta, started out with a pic of me irl and the shapes in the back- then the motivation of who knows what from who knows where filled me and I spent all night doing this when I should've been sleeping.
Would love to share the actual pic/reference pic but uehermmmm as mentioned, it was an actual pic of me and I'm not cool with sharing my face lmaoaoao so use ur imagination or something
#Post : Art*#want to mention that ive never drawn in this art style before- i guess the eyes are kind of in my style but thats it#also the first ACTUAL thing ive drawn- besides the AU Roo wip- in over 5 or 6 months#hope yall like it-#idrc if this flops or not. doesnt really matter anyways- im not becoming an art account or anything#this is probably gonna look like shit to me in about 5 hours or whenver i wake up so i figured-#-why not share it when im most proud of it#maybe it does look like shit! at least its not my main art style so i dont have to worry about changing much#anyways how tf do i tag this im such a tumblr wimp#art#my art#digital art#ibispaintx#yapping
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might be either totally absent today or desperately online trying to distract myself ! an awful start of the day for me lmao
#ooc post#not to vent on main but i found a tiktok from my ex like#i mean i’m blocked on tiktok but her tiktok came up on my side account fyp#and it just#ouch#idk why she gotta publicly say she never loved me and two weeks later text me happy birthday lmao#if it was just out of politeness i really didn’t need it#would’ve been better she didn’t say hbd and i could be sad about it and never expect much from her anymore#anyway damn i’m VENTING FOR REAL
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