#so if anyone likes this and reacts maybe i’ll post more but if they dont i wont. i will delete this and pretend it never happened

[bullseyelover]

i want to talk about this scene briefly, it’s such a short scene only being about two minutes in length but this scene here is what sets dex completely on the path to becoming bullseye. no matter what, dex was going to become bullseye. nothing would’ve changed that. but this scene he completely falls into fisk’s grasp and manipulations, which sets him on a path he cannot turn back from.

the scene after when matt and ray break into his apartment, the first thing dex does is burn his therapy tapes. the therapy tapes are something that were vital to dex the majority of his life, he always kept them at arms reach to keep him in line. they were his emotional coping mechanism. so him burning them here is another crucial moment into his descent into bullseye, a destruction of his past life and coping strategies and another thing that makes the primal scream scene with fisk being something dex gives into so easily because he has nothing else. the one friend he thought he had, ray, had just lied to his face about being there for him and broken into his apartment and stolen his therapy tapes (even though matt stole them, dex didn’t know that.) matt and ray breaking into his apartment shattered the remaining sense of self he had left, in his eyes they completely violated his sense of self. his gun safe was the “real” him he kept from the world, but was something he cherished because they defined him. they had his coping mechanisms within them, the tapes being his emotional support and his weapons being his physical control. so matt and ray just breaking into his space, defiling it by listening to his therapy tapes without him knowing and then stealing them was a breaking point for him.

and fisk picks up these shattered pieces, and quite literally picking dex up from the ground in this scene and pulls him into his arm, are said pieces that will eventually build dex into the bullseye persona that he is in the comics. because that’s all he has left. dex already has these parts of bullseye within him, but he was also capable of genuine kindess and other good traits, and fisk made sure when picking up the pieces of dex to pick up the ones that would benefit only fisk, and leave out the potential goodness dex had within him. everything that fisk leaves him with by the end of the season are his negative traits and negative thoughts, which will make his volatility and instability as bullseye on another level. it’s just masterful writing i could go on and on for hours but i’ll stop myself here lol.

[bhnsby]

🔥

Gonna use this to drop off one of my hottest takes;

I think you all take Sierra and Cody, and the way people portray and think of these characters way too seriously

WAIT WAIT BARE WITH ME DONT SHOOT I CAN DEFEND MYSELF HERE

Sierra and Cody…

Sighs. I like sierra. And I thought she was funny. Let me explain before you get your pitchforks out

Sierra and Cody, while being a story about a stalker meeting their tv crush, is a PARODY of real obsessive fans and is meant to be COMEDIC.

Firstly, it is okay to like sierra and Cody’s dynamic;

Shipping them is eh to me it doesn’t make sense but if you can truly justify it without being a freak I’ll let you have it I guess, but Sierra and Cody as a duo not romantic relationship but as a stalker and her crush is different. Sierra and Cody were intended to be comedic. Whether that’s your sense of humour or not isn’t my issue, but claiming its Misery levels of stalker story is insane. Yeah she breached his privacy, yeah she was a bit of a freak, yeah she fucking sucked in world tour what the fuck was that, but she was still intended to be a PARODY. Quick little lesson chat what is a parody?

Well I’m glad you asked a parody is an imitation of the style of a particular writer, artist, or genre with deliberate exaggeration for comic effect.

A really obvious example of a parody I can compare to sierra is caricature art. (Yes some is genuinely offensive and straight up racist but I’m talking about the innocent ones here). Caricature art isn’t funny to everyone, not everyone is going to want to get a caricature done, due to either not wanting their feelings hurt or them just finding the concept a bit rude or a bit offensive. But some people like caricature art and find it funny. They see the satire and parody here and can look at it from an unbiased perspective and appreciate the humour. Sierra isn’t funny to everyone, not everyone is going to like sierra, due to having maybe a personal experience that hits a bit close to home or finding the stalker concept a bit much and more serious than comedic. It some people do find sierra funny. They see the satire and parody here and can look at it from an unbiased perspective and appreciate the humour.

Next I wanted to touch on the whole concept of the Sierra Cody situation to be taken more seriously;

If you want to take Sierra and Cody and look at it from a perspective of a stalker and victim in a more serious lense, and want to include in your fics, fan art and over all interpretations of these characters and situations as something more serious, then that is great. That is wonderful even I’m glad you are able to do that. But if someone wants to just look at Sierra and Cody as comedic relief, and only see them as comedic relief, and want to include this in their fics, fan art and over all interpretations of the characters, then that is also okay. The wonderful thing about people is that we look at, react to and interpret things in different ways. Maybe we should all hold hands and realise that it’s okay to take the Sierra Cody thing seriously, and that it’s okay not to.

Finally , you do need to understand that the Sierra and Cody situation can be serious, and that it can be comedic, but you kind of need to acknowledge both;

So. Yeah Sierra and Cody is a story about a stalker meeting her favourite tv star and getting way too into it. That is a serious situation. But it is also a comedy. Like ive said multiple times throughout this post. But listening to one and ignoring the other is kind of stupid. The fact is that what happens to Cody is pretty serious and not okay at all like some of that stuff what the fuck, and to try and say “uh well it’s a joke so sierra is completely okay and did nothing wrong” is ridiculous, and it is a comedic part of the show. It’s a joke, it’s a huge part of the humour in world tour, so saying “well what happened to Cody was pretty serious so you can’t laugh at it and anyone that does is evil” is also stupid. Now ready for my bombshell of a take

Fiction does affect reality and fiction is different from reality are two statements that can coexist.

This can apply to multiple things, shipping, characters, topics and in this case Sierra and Cody.

In regards to sierra and Cody, this means that while what happened to Cody was awful and a serious matter (mainly in real life as the show doesn’t really take it seriously), it is still a joke and a bit of humour, and that while it is funny to laugh with Sierra and at Cody, there is a level of tragedy to this and what happens to him

Uh to wrap up because I’ve just been repeating myself over and over

TL;DR : Sierra and Cody is ultimately a comedic part of the show, but has a level of seriousness to it, and it’s best to acknowledge both

[fleivious]

When the Wilderness Calls

Pairing ; Charlotte 'lottie' Matthews x gn!reader (but i wrote imagining a woman, tho there is no use of pronouns for the reader)

Years after surviving a plane crash, you reconnect with Lottie, the only person who understood your shared connection to the wilderness that once trapped you. Now leading an enigmatic community, Lottie reveals that her visions have returned, and the wilderness may not be done with either of you. As old feelings resurface, you must confront the haunting past and the mysterious force that still lingers, threatening to pull you both back into its grip.

i dont know if anyone will read but i wanted to post hehe, and this is my first fic so i hope i did a good job, i might continue writing if someone is interested, otherwise it will prolly just be that. but yeah, enjoy it!!!

ִֶָ𓂃 ࣪˖ ִֶָ🐇་༘࿐

ִֶָ𓂃 ࣪˖ ִֶָ🐇་༘࿐

You were in the plane crash with the team. Back then, you and Lottie had a brief, intense connection. Neither of you had ever thought about each other that way before, but being stranded, desperate, and isolated in the wilderness, things just happened. The need for comfort and understanding drew you together. Out of everyone, you were the only one who believed her, the only one who understood when she spoke about the wilderness the way it seemed to talk to her. Because of that, the two of you grew closer. At some point, without any real discussion or labels, you just… acted on what you felt. It wasn’t something planned or defined, it simply was.

But after the rescue, everything changed. Lottie was sent to a mental institution, and you lost contact. Years passed, and while life went on, you never truly recovered. There was an emptiness inside you, one that no therapist, psychiatrist, or medication could ever fill. No matter what you tried, that hollow feeling remained. Years later, you heard about an intentional community, a retreat of sorts. It sounded a little odd, but you were desperate for something to take your mind off the past. So, you thought, why not? What could go wrong? You didn’t expect much… but what you didn’t expect at all was to see her.

Lottie. At the welcome party for new members, there she was, standing in the middle of the crowd, older, different, but still as captivating as ever. She looked so calm, so content. Seeing her again stirred something in you, something you thought you’d buried. She was just as beautiful as you remembered, maybe even more so with time.

As you watched her, your mind raced. Did she recognize you? Did you want her to? You felt torn between excitement and dread, wondering how she would react if she saw you. Did she still feel what she felt back then? Had her feelings changed? Was she with someone else now? The questions buzzed in your mind, and you weren’t sure you wanted the answers.

And then, as fate would have it, her eyes found you in the crowd. She was in the middle of giving a speech, but for a brief moment, her words faltered. No one else seemed to notice, but you did. She recognized you.

After the speech, people began mingling, and before you knew it, Lottie was making her way towards you. You were talking to one of the members when you felt a hand on your shoulder. A familiar shiver ran down your spine at the touch.

“Y/n?” Her voice was soft, almost apprehensive.

You turned to face her, your heart racing. “Lottie. It’s been a while, hasn’t it?” you replied nervously.

“How have you been, truly?” she asked, her gaze filled with something that looked like both fondness and melancholy.

“I try my best to be okay, but… you know. I’ll never be the same after what happened,” you said, trying not to dampen the mood.

Lottie’s expression softened, her eyes full of understanding. “None of us are. That trauma… it changes us forever.”

You felt your throat tighten as the emotion welled up. “I really missed you, you know,” you said, your voice trembling as you fought back the tears.

“And I missed you more than words can express. I thought about you every single day,” she replied, her voice quiet, vulnerable.

That was it. You couldn’t hold back anymore. You stepped forward and hugged her, wrapping your arms around her as if you’d been waiting decades for this one embrace. Lottie seemed taken aback at first but quickly returned the hug, her arms enveloping you in a warmth you’d longed for. You buried your face in her neck, and finally, after all these years, the tears you had been holding in began to flow. In her arms, you felt safe again. You felt like you were home.

“You look so beautiful,” you murmured as you pulled back slightly, cupping her face in your hands. She had aged, but there was a grace to her that made her even more stunning.

Lottie chuckled softly at your words, a blush creeping across her cheeks. “Thank you, Y/n. You’re not so bad yourself,” she teased, her thumb gently wiping away the last of your tears.

Your face flushed deep red at her playful words, and all you could do was smile and giggle awkwardly. “That smile… I’ve missed it,” she said, her own lips curving into a soft smile at the sound of your laughter.

“I really wasn’t expecting to see you here,” you admitted, finally starting to process how surreal it was to find her leading this community. You had thought she was still in the institution in Switzerland, but you decided not to bring it up.

“And yet here we are,” she said with a wistful tone. “I guess fate has a funny way of bringing people back together, doesn’t it?” Her gaze never wavered from yours, as if she were trying to memorize every detail of your face after all these years.

“I guess it does… but I wish fate hadn’t kept us apart for so long,” you replied, your voice breaking slightly as the sadness and anger of those lost years crept up on you.

“I know,” she whispered, her eyes softening. “But we’re here now. And we have each other again. That’s what matters, right? No use crying over spilled milk.”

You giggled at her analogy. “You’re right. But tell me… how have you been? How did this all happen? I mean, this community and everything.” You gestured to the people around you, still trying to grasp how she had ended up here, of all places.

Lottie let out a soft, almost bittersweet chuckle at your question. "It’s a long story," she said, running a hand through her hair as her eyes flicked around the gathering before settling back on you.

"After... everything that happened, I couldn’t just go back to the way things were. I needed something more. I started looking for ways to feel... connected again, to feel like I had a purpose. That’s when I came across a group of people who felt the same way, people who were searching for something beyond the everyday noise of the world. She paused, her eyes glazing over as she continued, "At first, it was just about healing, sharing our stories, finding comfort in each other. But as time went on, things started changing. I started having the visions again, but this time, they were clearer. The wilderness... it spoke to me. It told me what I had to do." Her voice dropped, the tension in her words unmistakable.

Lottie looked down, her fingers absently tracing patterns on the hem of her sleeve. "That’s how the community began. I wasn’t trying to lead anyone, but people saw something in me something I could hardly explain. They wanted to be part of it. They wanted to listen, to follow. And now, here we are." She gestured subtly to the people mingling around you, their faces glowing with contentment, oblivious to the undercurrents of darkness.

Her gaze turned more serious as she met your eyes again. "But it’s not just a community, Y/n. It’s bigger than that. I tried to ignore the signs, tried to believe it was just me, but I think... I think the wilderness isn’t done with us just yet."

[pebiejeebies]

hey uh

dunno if this is a weird question but

you said stuff like ‘you should find your kins’, it made me curious xP

could you maybe elaborate how one would go about doing that? (and anything else youd like to mention about the topic?)

thanks if so! i wouldnt know where to begin to start researching this stuff haha

( praying that my info is accurate + that I used this right for myself )

Lemme make a list of steps for you to simplify everything! :D

1- Find out who you relate to the most: This is the best and quickest way to figure out your kin! You start with someone you think you connect to, then next

2- You reaserch THE HECK out of them: as much as possible, from their personalities, to their colors (I realized I had some sort of connection for white creatures/characters, so when I found out cabby used to be white, it just seemed like we were meant to be lmao), to their friends and foes, and a lot more, just genuinely study the character!

3- Now find the things you relate to about the character: Take what you learnt, and compare them to your life in your own way, (Ex: Let’s say cabby freaked out over a small fight, try to analyze why she did that, and how much of her reactions and thoughts are related to yours) you can swap the characters for your irl people that affected you in the same way (Ex: let’s say cabby and bot had a fight, if I see myself having the same reaction in the fight but I never really fought with a fictional character, just replace “Bot” with anyone that treated or reacted to you the same way, as accurate as possible is the best option!) and see how much of their personality relates to you, or how they act, or how they think, the more you relate with them in more than just one of these things, the more you are connected!

4- Now imagine: Imagine what you would do in their place, put yourself in similar situations and see how much you react and think like the character! (Ex: Let’s say there’s a scenario that you have to interact in, act in character as much as you can, if it doesn’t seem right or doesn’t fit? You can try to act like yourself and connect the dots!)

5- The most important part of this post:

-It’s completely fine if you take a year or a week to figure yourself out

-You don’t have to be EXACTLY the same, since in reality nobody is the exact same, just make sure that the things you don’t relate to aren’t bigger than the things you relate to

-Its completely fine if you’ve made a mistake on your kin (aka got your kin type wrong) It’s completely normal to make mistakes

-DONT. and I repeat, DONT study the characters you LIKE, study the characters you RELATE to, there’s a huge difference between favorites and kins, even if your favorite character isn’t you kin

-Your kintype is NOT a choice, the kin you found is something you can’t deny or hide, embrace your kin, and try to find the good in the bad

-Be true to yourself, don’t cry or get angry for not getting what you want, be happy about the journey, and about seeing yourself in a different body, shape, color, size, and world! Get excited when you see yourself on the screen and go “Look at me go! That’s me! I’m that character!” <3

-Lastly, don’t stress yourself if you don’t know who you are/don’t know who you relate to, etc, there’s no rush, no race, everyone takes their time, and don’t get angry about what you kin, I want you to be happy that you are a fiction kin, and even if it isn’t the character you wanted, it will feel better when you act as your true self rather than act like the character you like, because in reality your favorite character might not even relate to you at all! But if it does then you’re lucky just like me :D

I hope this helps, in fact I’ll make a smaller less overwhelming list to get the main points for you

1- Find the character you relate to the most (it could be many, or just one) not the character you favorite/like, trust me, if you act like your favorite it won’t seem like your personality fits them, unless your favorite is the one you think you kin!

2- Research, very important, you can use the wiki (no not that boring white and black page, there’s a fan made wiki for all your favorite characters in this website here) to find out more about your character

3- Find connections and relatable information about you and the character, the more accurate you get, the more you will feel connected to said character!

4- Imagine yourself in a situation where you are the character or being yourself and see how much your thoughts and actions link!

WOAH! that’s a lot, I know, but give yourself time.

(Haha not me infodumping my 1 week research into one overwhelming post, you can tell how much I like infodumping abt stuff I like lmao)

Btw do tell if I got anything wrong fictionkins out there! I am very open to new info and corrections, since I’m not a very reliable person due to my memory…

Have a great day, and I hope this helps anyone else find themselves, and it’s okay if you don’t kin anyone! Everyone is special in their own way <3

Only you can find out who you are, not your friend, or family, you

[mhayes225]

Major spoilers for the most recent Harley Quinn episode and season 4 thus far:

LIKE MAJOR! DONT READ PAST THIS POINT IF YOU DONT WANT TO BE SPOILED!!!

(I just need to get my thoughts out! There’s been so much happening, and I have no one to talk to about it even though I really want too… so here we are!)

OK NOW IF YOU’RE READING PAST THIS POINT, YOU’VE BEEN WARNED 👁️👄👁️

————————————————————————

Okay it might just be me… but there’s no way that if Nightwing is really dead that they would have his going out funeral be like that right? I mean I know it’s supposed to be a funny show, but… would they really do that? Maybe I’m in denial… I need to know if other people think he’s actually dead and I’ll roll with it. I don’t think he’s dead for real.

Also I NEVER expected the jokers family reacting that way to his (re?)coming out of villany… I’m shocked.

Plus I have to get this out b/c I’ve seen no one mention it: The way they animated and drew the joker after he killed that guy in episode 4 had me gaping and slow blinking afterwards. I HAD CHILLS…. His eyes, his teeth, THE FINGERS! (Here I have screenshots, forgive the poor quality ⬇️)

Like ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK IS THAT! (Don’t get me wrong I’m here for it but that’s scary!) Whoever drew him for this scene went hard and I commend them for it. They captured the jokers true self so well… I don’t think the he has ever looked that terrifying at any point in the series so far.

I feel so bad for Harley right now. She doesn’t have the bat family anymore. Ivy is pushing her aside to focus on the legion of doom. (Even though harley sort of did the same thing to Ivy when she left to be with the bat fam) And now some clone hussy is impersonating her!!! I bet 10 bucks that nobody is going to believe harley if she tries to tell anyone about it! With how Ivy’s been acting I don’t know if she’ll be able to tell the difference between the two…

I know people have their criticisms about the season so far (which is great!) but it has me on the edge of my seat, I like it! I’ve accepted that everything I think is going to happen is either not going to happen at all or come about in a way that I never see coming. I can’t wait to see what’s in store for the rest of the season. I’m ready for harlivy to get back into their groove and I’m scared for Barbras legs. I feel like this season has more cliff hangers than in previous seasons and it’s not even done...

Anyways thanks for letting me vent tumblr and thanks to the strangers that may read this far! I hope I didn’t step on any toes. If you’re a harlivy fan I’d love to hear about your theories or what you think so far! You can also hate on this post if you’d like too… either way live your life, I don’t mind 🤷‍♀️

[yourmidnightlover]

all my fault

Request: spencer and y/n are married, and they’ve been trying to have kids, and then she finds out she’s pregnant. a few weeks into the pregnancy, she has a miscarriage, and at the hospital the doctor said it’s bc she had an abortion as a teenager, and it fucked up her it yet us. spencer didn’t know she had an abortion, and blames her for the death of the baby, and they end up sleeping separately for a while and they have to grieve by themselves. spencer ends up talking to emily about it bc of her experience and it has a comforting ending!

Summary: when reader has a miscarriage after trying to have a baby with spencer, and things about her past are revealed and leaves things rocky within their relationship.

CW: miscarriage, pregnancy, mention of abortion, spencer’s rly harsh at first, teenage pregnancy, mentions of surgery, a cervix condition that i kinda made up, depressive thoughts, negative self-worth, HAPPY ENDING. *please let me know if i’ve missed anything*

A/N: i’ve been working on coming up with a series, which i posted last thursday! i’m sorry i haven’t been as consistent with my schedule, this summer has really taken a toll on my mental health and school is about to start back up. i promise i’m not quitting writing, but my writing might become a bit more sporadic in terms of my posting schedule. i’m still not sure if i like how i’ve executed this piece, so please let me know what you think!

IMPORTANT A/N: this contains serious topics centered around pregnancy and abortion. reader end up blaming herself and it is a very triggering subject to some. if you aren’t comfortable with those kinds of depressive thoughts PLEASE DONT READ. i don’t want anyone to be triggered by my writing. your mental health matters. you matter. do not read if your sensitive to the subject matter, please!

———————————————————————

when you and spencer checked the third pregnancy test and saw those two, very clear lines on the stick, you felt an unbelievable amount of joy.

“oh my god,” you clamped your hand over your mouth, your eyes welling with tears.

“y/n…” he held his breath, holding your free hand with both of his own.

“you’re gonna be a dad,” you huffed out a laugh as his arms flew around you.

“and you’re gonna be a mom! we’re gonna have our own little family,” he cheered as he breathed in your scent, elated from the news he had hoped for since you said ‘i do.’

spencer had wanted to be a father since he met henry, you remember how attached he was to the child who wasn’t even his own. you hadn’t always wanted children, only when you were absolutely ready for them. now, you were more than ready.

your arms flew around spencer’s neck as his went around your waist. he dropped to his knees and began pressing kisses against a bump that wasn’t even visible yet, praising you and your body for carrying his child.

because it was so hard for you to get pregnant, spencer decided to baby you every chance he got. you didn’t do the dishes or sweep, you weren’t allowed to reach for high shelves or even step on a chair to do so. he was worried about you and the baby, so you let him. you found it endearing.

the perfect man that you married was so worried about the little bean inside of you, worried for your safety, that it drove him a bit mad. who were you to complain? each time he’d do one of the new little quirks like not letting you lift anything above 10 pounds, you just smiled to yourself and brushed it off.

being pregnant was something that you had lost hope for, in all honesty. spencer had been talking to a few friends who had adopted children prior to finding out you were pregnant. if this hadn’t worked out, the two of you were going to look into adoption.

spencer had planned your doctors appointment for 6 weeks after your last period. the appointment was in three days. and then the perfect outline you had for your future went down in crumbles.

you had been having pains in your lower abdomen, and you figured it was just because you were pregnant. you went to the bathroom like you normally would when you felt queasy, kneeling by the toilet in preparation for what was to come. only nothing came.

you decided to just go pee and get back to bed. there was a pain that wasn’t like you’d felt before when you were peeing, like someone had been pulling your intestines out of your body. when you looked down, you felt your stomach drop.

“spencer!” you cried out. “spencer, hurry!” you felt tears well in your eyes until he ran up beside you. his hand was on your thigh as the other one was trying to steady your shaking hand.

“what is… oh,” he looked in the toilet to see blood inside of it.

“spencer… what happened? i don’t know what happened. everything was doing so well and the baby-we just found out and now they’re-wh-what’s gonna happen?” you rambled out, unsure of how something this horrific happened so quickly.

“i-i don’t know, my love,” he pressed a kiss to your forehead. “i don’t know. but we’ll go to the hospital right now, okay? we’ll get answers.”

you just nodded. you couldn’t speak anymore. you felt your throat closing in on yourself. you cleaned yourself up and got dressed. even looking in the mirror with spencer’s arms around you, you didn’t feel anything but guilt and worry.

spencer’s touch would usually be something to ease your mind and take away the thoughts of everything else around you. only this was something wrong inside of you. you were the problem this time. and you didn’t think anything could fix this feeling.

“let’s get to the hospital, yea?” you nodded as he held onto your hand, trying to ground you to himself as he guided you to the car.

you were silent the entire drive to the doctor. there was nothing to say. there was nothing to do. there was just… nothing. you were numb.

“hey,” he spoke up, “we don’t know what happened yet. there’s a chance it’s just a fluke, right? the baby might be okay.”

“what’re the statistics, spencer? tell them to me,” you ordered as tears flowed from your eyes.

“y/n…”

“tell me! why don’t you want me to know?!” you accused him, looking over at the man driving as he but his lower lip. “1 in 4 women who experience bleeding during a pregnancy are fine. 25 percent. the other 75 percent of people have either a miscarriage or serious complications. those are the statistics.”

“y/n…” he sighed, “it’s not your fault. you didn’t want this to happen. besides, there’s still a 25 percent chance that nothings wrong.”

“whatever,” you rolled your eyes and opted to look out of the window for the remainder of the drive to the hospital.

-

“alright,” the doctor entered the room. “we have the results from the test and we’ve examined the ultrasound pictures. i’m so sorry, but you’ve had a miscarriage.”

what were you supposed to feel? an overwhelming sense of sorrow? like a failure? like the one thing you wanted most in the world fell through?

“how-how did this happen?” you spoke through the tears. “we were so-we were careful. i didn’t lift heavy objects, i didn’t do repetitive motions, i just… we tried so hard to make this work,” you shook your head in disapproval, as if you wouldn’t accept the answer that had already been proven to you.

“there’s proof of an abortion when you were a teenager. there was severe damage done to your cervix that wasn’t assessed pre-pregnancy. now, we can repair the damage within the next two months, but it will still be difficult to become pregnant after the surgery,” the female informed you.

“then what’s the point of getting the surgery?” you scoffed, looking at spencer who was just staring off in space.

“while getting pregnant will still be difficult, maintaining the pregnancy is much more likely. the fetus would be more protected and secure after the surgery,” she explained with a pitiful smile, you couldn’t help but wonder how she could smile after giving you the worst news of your life.

“right,” you nodded curtly, allowing her to sense the mood of the conversation.

“i’ll leave you two be. i’m so sorry for your loss,” she gave the both of you a pitiful smile before exiting the room, the only sound audible being the closing of the door.

it didn’t feel real. it felt as though you were in a nightmare. only this time, you wouldn’t wake in spencer’s comforting arms. you wouldn’t hear the soft soothing voice of the man you love trying to calm you down. you wouldn’t feel the solace he would provide by merely being himself in your proximity.

the drive home was eerily quiet. there was an inkling of animosity between you. looking over at spencer in the driver’s seat, he had a dead look on his face, the only sign of previous emotion being his red-rimmed eyes and tear-stained cheeks. he didn’t even look like your spencer. he looked like a stranger in the drivers seat with a cold expression that you could barely read.

you knew this was something you should talk about. when the nurse came back in the room it was only to offer a few referrals go therapists that specialized in this kind of grief. clearly, any couple should talk about losing an unborn baby. but you knew that’s not what spencer was truly upset about.

you waited until you shut the door to your apartment before saying anything.

“maybe we should talk about it?” you whispered, not knowing how he’d react.

“about what? the fact that you’ve lied to me for our entire relationship?!” he wouldn’t even turn around to face you. “i thought we were in this together, y/n. we aren’t supposed to keep secrets from each other - especially not any that just killed our child!”

“hey…” you winced at his words. “why would you say that?”

“that’s the truth! your choices when you were a teenager just killed our child! my child!” he finally turned to face you, and you wished he hadn’t.

“do you think i knew they would botch my abortion, spencer?! do you think that’s what i wanted?!” you stepped closer to him, he sighed and ran a hand through his hair.

“i don’t know what you want anymore, y/n,” he shook his head, clearly exasperated.

“i want you. i want to get the surgery to fix my cervix. i want to grieve our child. i still want kids… with you, spencer,” you tried to ease the mood, calm him down. you reached your hand out to cup his cheek before he dodged your touch, afraid of touching you. “but you don’t want that?” you whispered so quiet, too afraid of the answer to raise your voice.

“i-“ he sighed and bit his lower lip. “i don’t know.”

“right. of course you don’t,” you shook your head before sitting on the couch, dropping your face in your hands.

“what’s that supposed to mean?” he scoffed as he took off his coat.

“it means that: of course, you’re making this about you! it can’t be about us grieving our loss together like the doctor recommended?!” you peeked between your hands at the man you still didn’t recognize.

“maybe we shouldn’t grieve together since we can’t even have a conversation without getting angry at one another,” he tried to reason.

“the only reason i’m getting mad is because you’re blaming me for my baby’s death,” you spat back at the doctor before you.

“because it’s your fault!” he stood strong in his belief. “when you were a teenager, did you or did you not have an abortion?”

“i did,” you admitted.

“and the nurse said that in said abortion, they screwed your cervix up! if you didn’t have that abortion, our child would still be alive! we would be on our way to become happy parents!” he accused, rubbing salt in the already stinging wound. “it’s your fucking fault!”

“stop saying that,” you shook your head and dropped it back in your hands, trying to hide the tears that began to flow down your face.

“it is, y/n! i can’t believe you’re even trying to say this isn’t!” he chuckled, clearly getting under your skin.

“shut up, spencer!”

“i can’t, y/n!” he sat in the chair across from you before standing back up, too hyper to sit. “no wonder it was so hard for you to get pregnant.”

“spencer,” you begged him to stop, meeting his face with your teary eyes.

“y/n,” he stared you in the eyes, and you saw a glimpse of the man you loved for a second before he retreated to the bedroom.

you sat on the couch in confusion of what had just occurred.

when you were 15, you’re boyfriend was adamant about taking your relationship “to the next step.” you didn’t think you were ready to have sex, but you wanted him to stay with you. so, you gave in. it just so happened to be that you were one of the lucky girls that ends up getting pregnant her first time in spite of birth control and a condom. you couldn’t tell your mom about your pregnancy, she’d have your head on a pole.

so, you earned enough money from your job to get an abortion yourself. you went to a clinic and had your boyfriend’s mom come with you to sign as your guardian. was it smart to get an abortion that cheap? probably not. but you had no other choice. your mom had made it abundantly clear that if she caught you fooling around with him that she’d kick you out.

you were 15. you were young and still had to finish high school. there was no support system for you. you would’ve been on the streets with a little baby - not to mention the amount of debt you’d go into for just giving birth to a child in a hospital. it was the only choice.

and now you were being berated for making the only choice you even had - and by the person you loved most in the world.

you curled into yourself on the couch, laying your head on the arm and crying into the fabric. you released all of the tension and turmoil. you held onto the cushions as if it were the man that you wanted - no, needed to comfort you. because as much as you’d hate to admit it and try to fight those thoughts, part of you thought that spencer was right. it was your fault.

you fell asleep on the couch that night. you didn’t have the strength to get up to grab a blanket so you just sucked it up.

spencer didn’t sleep at all. he was used to having you curled into his chest, or himself on yours. he felt terrible about how he had talked to you, but he was too stubborn to admit anything just yet.

in the middle of the night he went out of the room to grab a glass of water. he saw you curled up in a ball, you head resting on the arm of the couch as you slept. it was the most peaceful you looked in the past 24 hours. but you began shivering as you slept. you were probably too exhausted to get up to do anything.

he went to the hall closet on a detour and grabbed your favorite, soft blanket and laid it on top of your body. after placing a soft kiss on your forehead, he went into the kitchen and made his glass of water before taking one more glance at you. you had snuggled into the blanket, pulling it up to your chin with a gentle smile that always appeared when he kissed your forehead as you slept.

maybe he didn’t screw up too badly, after all.

the next few days were spent avoiding one another. spencer couldn’t face you after knowing you had kept something so dire from him for the entirety of your relationship. you couldn’t face him after he made you feel as though it was your fault you lost your baby.

you would stay on the couch all day, barely eating or drinking anything while spencer would go out - only mentioning the library or the office to do more paperwork. eventually he just started sleeping at morgan’s house - probably because he couldn’t stand being around you.

you didn’t know how to grieve your baby, you were hoping that spencer might help, but that clearly won’t be happening. on top of that, you were worrying about your marriage. he couldn’t even look at you, how was he supposed to talk to you and sleep beside you?

a lot of times, it’s perceived that the only reason women were put on this planet were to have children - of course that’s a false notion, but it didn’t make it sting any less. your body had betrayed you. you had betrayed yourself.

it was only 12 days after spencer left when he came back home, if he could call it that anymore. once he walked into the living room, he saw you curled up in that same position on the couch. you had a blank stare that was directed towards the black tv. the only evidence that you were doing something was the empty water bottles surrounding you - certainly not enough considering he’d been gone for over a week.

when he entered you didn’t even flinch. your gaze stayed on the empty screen and your face remained vacant of any emotion.

in all honesty, morgan was the one to tell spencer he should check on you. spencer hadn’t told him everything about your argument, he knew he was in the wrong. but he was just so angry. regardless, he was here now, and it’s a good thing he was.

you hadn’t been taking care of yourself. spencer had morgan and savannah checking on him, but you had nobody. he only realized this when morgan pointed it out. and as upset as he was, spencer would always love you. your expressionless face only worried him more. your clothes had been changed from when he last saw you, but he doubts you’ve had a shower.

he stayed silent as he began picking up the empty water bottles from around the table and couch. you looked at him quizzically with furrowed brows.

“what’re you doing?” you asked, your chin already quivering as tears threatened to stream down your face.

“i’m trying to help,” he whispered as sensitively as he could, making eye contact with the most pitiful face you’d ever seen.

“i think you’ve helped enough,” you rolled your eyes before resuming your serious stare-down with the television. “you can leave.”

“no, i can’t,” he replied, sitting down on the opposite end of the couch while being sure not to touch you - he didn’t know if you were ready for that.

“you already did,” you brought to his attention, briefly looking at him. “just go.”

“y/n, i-“

“i don’t want to hear it! what’re you gonna say that could make me feel worse, spencer?!” you let the tears fall past your waterline. “i know it’s my fault. i know i screwed up! and i’m sorry! i’m so sorry!” you replied with far too much sincerity, the tears streaming down your face before he scooted closer to you, planning on wrapping his arms around you. “stop! don’t come near me!” you pushed his shoulders away. “it’s my fault,” you lowered your voice significantly before wrapping your arms around yourself.

he had called emily as soon as he got back into the bedroom. he knew she had previously had an abortion when she was a teenager, and he just needed to hear her side of it. part of him didn’t even expect her to pick up the phone.

“reid, what’s wrong?” she immediately answered.

“i-i think i need to talk to you,” he whispered in a hushed tone.

“right now?” she asked in a mildly concerned tone.

“if you can? the sooner the better,” he answered honestly.

“alright. you want to meet somewhere or just come over?”

“can i just come over? it’s really personal and i wasn’t sure who else to go to,” he began tying his shoes and hoping she’d agree.

“of course, come on over,” she replied in a worried voice.

“ok. i’ll be there in twenty.”

he quietly left the apartment, not before sparing you a regretful glance. he lost his child, but you also lost your child as well. he just couldn’t control his anger. and partially, he thought he was right.

how could you not have told him about something so serious? the second you had began having issues getting pregnant, maybe you should’ve been open about previous pregnancies.

“hey,” emily greeted before giving him a hug after seeing his teary eyes. “come inside.”

“thanks,” he sniffled before stepping into her apartment.

she guided him into her living room and sat down on the couch beside him. they sat there for a few silent minutes before he was able to work up enough courage.

“y/n was pregnant,” he whispered, barely audible if she weren’t right beside him.

“was,” she pointed out, already feeling as though she knew the rest of the story.

“she uhm-she miscarried two weeks ago,” he somberly admitted for the first time to someone else. “the doctor said it was because she had an abortion when she was a teenager that somehow ruined her cervix.”

“and that’s why you felt like you needed to talk to me?” she gathered, she was a great profiler for a reason but this was far more obvious.

“i was pretty harsh. i-i told her it was her fault,” he bit his lower lip as he grimaced. “i really rubbed it in, too.”

“spencer… “ she sighed, taking a deep breath before continuing. “you’re mourning a life, right now. obviously, that would raise tensions and emotions would be heightened. but… have you apologized? for telling her it was her fault?”

“no?” he replied after thinking about it. “i was going to do that today but she’s… she’s not in good shape. i’m not saying she needs to be perfect, but while i was at derek’s i can tell she didn’t take care of herself. she barely drank any water.”

“did you ask her why she had an abortion? why she didn’t tell you? did you ask her anything about how she’s feeling?” emily asked once more.

“no,” he cowered down, feeling even worse about the truthful answer. “i was just… selfish. i didn’t think about how she’s feeling. i just-i feel so bad now, seeing what state she’s in.”

“when i got an abortion it was because i wasn’t ready for a child,” she began to inform him. “i was a child, myself. how was a child supposed to take care of another one? my mother would’ve been disgraced. i basically had nobody there for me. i kept it a secret because having an abortion is so controversial. i knew people would look at me differently for making a responsible decision for my future.”

“god, i feel so bad,” he began to tear up himself. “i love her so much and i told her these horrible things.”

“make it right, spencer,” she gave him a supportive smile and pat his thigh before he stood up.

“i-i have to go,” he wiped the tears from his face before giving emily a hug, grateful she would listen to him at such an ungodly hour.

he quickly drove back home, where he decidedly belonged in the first place. he never should’ve left home. he never should’ve left you. you were his home, and he didn’t know how he could possibly lose sight of that.

“y/n,” he cooed as he entered the apartment once more. it was noticeably a bit more clean. the trash was taken out, the dishes were done, and your hair was wet from a shower - he assumed. “hey,” he smiled when he saw you sitting on the bed, cheeks still red and tear-stained with red, puffy eyes.

“hi,” you sighed as you brushed your hair, spencer sat down beside you.

“how’re you feeling?” you shrugged. “i need to apologize to you,” he admitted, placing a hand on your thigh. “i’m so, so sorry for what i said. telling you that it’s your fault that we lost our child… i-there’s no excuse. i was clearly upset, but so were you. what i said was so out of line, and i’ll never be able to express how sorry i am to you.”

“you’re right,” you shrugged. “it was my fault.”

“no,” he rubbed his thumb on your skin. “it was not your fault. i’m so sorry i made you believe that.”

“when i was 15 my boyfriend at the time pressured me to have sex. we used a condom and i was in birth control but i still-i still ended up pregnant,” you began, taking a deep breath before continuing. “i couldn’t tell my mom because she would’ve kicked me out, so i saved up some money and had his mom take me to a cheap clinic. she signed as my mom and i got the procedure done. that was the end of it,” you finished tears streaming down your face. “a few weeks after the procedure i started having pains in like my lower back, but i didn’t think anything of it. so… it is my fault. i shouldn’t have gone to a cheap clinic, but i couldn’t live on the streets with a baby and no way to clothe or feed them.”

“y/n,” he got your attention, wiping the tears from your cheeks. “you were a teenager who had no other choice, love. it’s not your fault, it’s the clinic’s.”

“i just… it hurts so bad, spencer,” you shook your head in defeat before he wrapped his arms around you. “not even just emotionally, my body physically hurts so bad. i don’t know what to do and i thought i lost you and i didn’t know what i would do without you because i didn’t think you loved me anymore because it’s my fault,” you ranted out, sobbing into his shoulder before he moved the two of you around the bed to lay down, you on his chest.

“i’m so sorry you had to go through that, and that you’re still dealing with the repercussions,” he pressed a kiss to your forehead. “but know that i’m not leaving you. i love you and nothing will ever change that.”

“there’s nothing we can do now,” you whined, clutching to his shirt as if he’d disappear once more.

“we can go to the recommended therapy. we can get that surgery to fix your cervix,” he reminded you, rubbing circles onto your back as you sniffled. “then, if you’d like, we could try again for a baby.”

“so you still want to be with me?” you whispered by his ear, clearly worried of the answer.

“of course i do,” he said as if there were no other option; there wasn’t. “i’m so, so sorry, love.”

“the reason i didn’t tell you is because,” you sighed as you shuffled on top of spencer, now sitting on his lap and facing him. “because there’s this stigma that comes with having an abortion - and i didn’t know how you’d react. i also didn’t know it didn’t go well in the first place, but that’s a different story,” you chuckled. “i’m sorry. i should’ve told you about something so serious.”

“you don’t have to apologize,” he brushed a strand of hair from your face. “that was from your past. this is our future, we shouldn’t get caught up on it and allow it to ruin this.”

you nodded, “you’re right. are-are you staying here, now? or are you going back to derek’s?” there was an obvious look of hope in your eye that spencer never planned on squashing.

“i’m staying here,” he smiled. “home. you’re my home.”

“you’re so cheesy,” you rolled your eyes as a laugh left your lips.

“i’ve missed your smile,” he pressed a kiss to those very lips, your smile not going away but growing even bigger.

“i’ve missed you,” you pointed at his chest. “please don’t leave again.”

“i won’t. ever again,” you held your pinky out, he smiled and wrapped his own around it. “i’m so sorry.”

“we’ll work at it,” you sighed. “we’ll build back the trust and fix my stupid cervix and then maybe try again for a baby.”

over the next few months spencer and you had been going to therapy once a week, mourning the loss of your baby and working through your other issues.

five months after you found out about the miscarriage, you had the surgery to fix your cervix.

one year after you fixed your cervix you and spencer began talking about having a child. you were extremely nervous, rightfully so. you voiced your concerns to spencer about what if the surgery didn’t work? what if your cervix wasn’t the only issue? and he replied by reminding you that you would both take this one step at a time.

seven months after having the conversation with spencer about having children, a miracle had caught up to you.

you were pregnant.

taglist:

@averyhotchner

@greenprisca

@muffin-cup

@spenxerslut

@spencerreid9

@spencyreidpls

@spencerreid9

@spencersmagic

@calm-and-doctor

@the-local-pendeja

@spencersrose

@spencersmagic

@shemarmooresfedora

@pastelbabygirl19

if you’d like to be added to the taglist, please don’t hesitate to message me or leave a comment!

[hunterofthemist]

Strength of the Meek

Carrying a paper bag Dave walks into the cafeteria. He looks around the room and sees Kotzal waving him over. He walks over to him and sits down with Kotzal at a noticeably empty table.

"Hey Dave, how are you?" Kotzal asks with a grin. "You dont have to rub it in, I had no idea you were a natural," Dave grumbles.

"It's just that when you showed me the rules I realized how similar they were to a game I used to play on Geon. Thrum If I remember correctly." Kotzal and dave talk for some time, the topic changes quickly from poker to physical ability.

"How strong are humans anyway? I've seen your movies but you said they aren't a good representation of human strength." Kotzal asks intrigued.

"Were strong enough. Enough to take down something bigger than us, at least with some planning that is." Dave answers. "I mean back when humans still dwelled in caves we took down wooly mammoths, which were beasts around three times the size of a human."

"Oh, I didn't know that. It's pretty impressive to hear." Kotzal says more than intrigued at this point.

"What about when a human has to do something impossible, just to keep the ones they care about alive. What do you do then?" He asks, his face getting a bit more solemn.

"We push on, do whatever it takes, even if it means we tear ourselves apart doing so," Dave says with a look of sincerity. He then breaks the look and smiles warmly. "What's got you asking a question like that?"

Kotzal laughs nervously and scratches the back of his head. "I dont know, I just heard stories over the Ether."

The conversation ends as the buzzer goes off on everyone's watch. "Shit thought we had more time for lunch break. That blows." Dave sighs.

Dave and Kotzal start walking down a hallway towards their respective stations. Halfway towards Dave's station, the alarm sounds, as well as an explosion in a nearby hallway.

"What was that!" Kotzal panics, immediately hiding behind dave and shaking. Dave reacts accordingly, not to the explosion but to Kotzal hiding behind him. "Woah dude, you good?"

"Oh sorry, my species is a prey species on my home planet. We get jumpy when stuff like this happens."

Dave chuckles at the thought, "you know if you did this around the others im pretty sure they wouldn't be able to see you." His attention focuses back on the sound. " We should go check out what happened, we're engineers after all."

Kotzal steps out from behind dave nervously and agrees. They walk down the hallway towards the commotion. Smoke billows out of the walls, embers pour out of the holes as well.

A hulking beast pulls its way out of the hole, it had to be around 8 and a half feet tall. Just as dave gets a look at it, several more come out of the walls. Kotzal grabs dave and pulls him around the corner, away from the beasts.

"Get down! Those are Tarvok pirates. We need to go, we do Not want to pick a fight with those." Kotzal is freaking out, likely having a panic attack. He tries to pull Dave with him. Dave doesn't budge, instead, he stares at the wall and puts his hand on it. "I cant."

Kotzal gets more anxious and frenzied, pulling harder on Dave. "No We have to go, David dont do this." In response, Dave grins and puts his head on the cold metal wall. "I said I cant, This station is my baby. I've fixed her more than anyone else. I can't leave her."

Dave turns to Kotzal and continues. "Not to mention the number of people these guys could hurt. You know how far the nearest guard post is, and how understaffed it is. If I turn tail and run countless people will die. But If I distract them, buy us some time. Maybe I can save a few lives."

"But you'll die! You'll get killed, I can't have you do that. I can't lose you, You're the only one who even respects me, let alone is nice to me." He says as tears start to form in his four eyes.

Daves grin breaks and he pulls Kotzal into a hug, Kotzal's small stature causing him to look like a small child not wanting their parent to leave. "That's not happening. I ain't gonna die." Dave thinks for a moment and goes on. "How about you help me, I dont buy this scared child Schtick. There's something there, something strong. I can see that."

Dave breaks the hug and pulls a knife from his belt, and hands it over to him. Kotzal stares at the blade for a second and takes the knife and nods in agreement. "Use your speed and stature to your advantage. there's a lot of smoke, try to use that."

Dave and total talk for a minute discussing plans and strategies after they're done he grabs a pipe on the wall and rips it off, but not before speaking to the station itself. "Sorry about this."

Walking around the corner Dave bangs the pipe on the wall, getting the army of Tarvok's attention. "Hey you brutes, eyes on me." He says, resting the pipe on his shoulder.

One of the Tarvok's starts walking over to Dave with a look of hunger and anger. Dave grins, this being a part of his plan, and stomps on a jagged and sharp piece of metal, launching it into the air. To which Kotzal leaves cover from behind Dave and grabs the piece of metal and throws it into the eye of the Tarvok.

"See, I told you no one would be able to see you back there." Dave jokes. He takes a step forward and inspects the now corpse of the Tarvok. "Oh damn, straight into the eye." Kotzal meekly responds to the compliment. "Thanks, it was heavier than Im used to so I didn't think it hit where I wanted to."

"You're a good shot, keep it up." Dave compliments. For a split second, Dave swore he could see Kotzal's cheeks turn blue.

Dave starts walking forward towards the rest of the army, beckoning them to come to fight him. One soldier takes a step forward to fight. The hulking beast throws a punch towards Dave but he sides steps it and slams his weapon into a pipe next to the Tarvok.

The soldier notices this and started to laugh but a second later the pipe bursts and hot steam starts to burn the soldier and causing it to fall to the floor.

The next one rushes Dave and throws a punch at him, he absorbs the blow into his shoulder and uses the force to spin himself around and slam the pipe into the soldier's skull.

At the display of force, the rest of the Tarvok's take a step back from the carnage. "Hey Kotzal, I think I fucked my shoulder up. It's your turn. " Dave says quietly so the brutes in front of them won't hear. "Yeah, let's do it." He responds, trying to hide the fear in his voice.

Dave starts to run towards the group of Tarvok's with Kotzal following. Before he gets too close he ducks down and arches his back and Kotzal jumps off his back and launches himself toward the enemy.

With one hand he throws a sharp piece of metal in the neck of one of the soldiers and with the other he stabs another with the knife Dave gave him.

The last one is in front of them, he's bigger than the rest. Probably the leader. "Let me handle this one," Dave says as he blocks Kotzal from moving forward with the pipe.

Looking at the pipe in his hand, Dave realizes that the pipe is way too damaged to continue to be useful. He takes a step forward and throws the thing as hard as he can. The pipe flies through the air and when it's about to hit, the leader catches it.

As soon as he threw the pipe Dave started running towards the beast but only noticed that he caught the pipe when he was too close to do anything. The Leader propels his knee into Daves's gut, the spike on it spearing into dave.

"Oh fuck!" He screams as the spike goes through him. He falls back and tries to stop the bleeding. Another scream is heard, not of pain but rage. "You Fucker!" It's Kotzal, with the look of pure rage in his eyes.

"I'll kill you!" He screams as he starts running towards him. As he reaches him he jumps at the leader to get a clear shot at him. In retaliation, the Tarvok grabs him by the neck and holds him in the air. Kotzal doesn't seem to notice, the anger blinding him. He starts slashing wildly at the beast in front of him, a good majority hitting their targets.

Kotzal gets a good stab into the arm of the beast holding him, causing him to be dropped.

While on the ground he stabs the blade into the back of the knee of the Tarvok leader making him fall to his knees, lining him up for a stab to the side of his head, killing him.

He keeps stabbing the now dead Tarvok, more out of rage than him being unsure he's dead. After a few dozen stabs he stops and takes a second to breathe and remembers Dave. He turns around and sprints towards Dave.

He starts trying to help him staunch the bleeding and stabilize him. "No, no-no-no. Dont do this, you cant." He starts tearing up trying to help him.

"It's okay, you did well. Didn't expect the fucker to catch the pipe. I think this is it" Dave says as he rests on the wall, trying to do whatever he can to stop the bleeding.

"Dont say that! You'll be fine, I know what im doing. I can help you." Kotzal says frantically.

Dave looks at him and puts his bloodied hand on his shoulder. "You can't save me, an injury like this is impossible to fix up."

"Shut up!" Kotzals shouts as he slaps dave. "We aren't in the medical dark ages, You know how strong modern medicine is." a grin forms on Daves face as he shrugs. "Whatever you say," he says as his vision fades to black and passes out.

Daves eyes open and the bright light blinds him, "hey your awake." a familiar voice says. His eyes adjust to the light and he sees that Kotzal is sitting on the chair next to his bed.

Dave groans in pain as he tries to sit up. Kotzal puts a hand on his shoulder and stops him. "Dumbass, you can adjust the bed." He laughs, handing him the switch.

"How long was I out?" He asks as he raises the head of his bed. "About two days. You had us worried for a little while." Kotzal responds with a smile.

"You can't kill me that easily, its gonna take a lot more than that, I still have work to do here." He smiles back.

"Oh yeah, like what?" Kotzal asks. "The engines been making a thunking noise for the past week, I still figure out what the hell the problem is." They both start laughing for a minute and after they stop a silence is formed between them, which is promptly broken ten seconds later by dave. "Hey after they discharge me, do you wanna go to the bar and get a few drinks? I'll buy."

"Sure thing, I'd love to."

[biconicfinn]

Sam/T'Challa Headcanons

just some general headcanons for my faves <3

i dont remember much of the mcu timelines anymore but whatever have this post okay thank you

i'm thinking maybe they get together post-ca:cw, t'challa helps shelter steve, bucky, sam, clint, scott, and wanda in wakanda for a while so they can recover

obvs bucky goes into cryo and then i'm thinking maybe clint takes wanda under his wing and goes on the run, maybe scott joins them too idk i didn't spend too much time thinking about it

so it's just steve, sam, and cryo bucky

steve spends most of his time talking to bucky and moping and being generally Emo but eventually starts going stir-crazy so he turns his usual captain america suit into the nomad one, and heads off to go be a vigilante fugitive

meanwhile sam decides to stay in wakanda; he hasn't had a chance to just be in a long, long time, not since captain america first knocked on his door asking for a safe place. he stays in a small little apartment in the capital city, kinda near the palace so people can still keep an eye on him

over several weeks sam establishes a routine: wake up, go for a run around the neighbourhood (cutting through the public gardens at the palace), come back home and work out, shower, eat breakfast, go out on a patrol with the border tribe around the area, explore the city and practice xhosa along the way, check in with sarah, lunch, check in with steve and bucky, read, sleep, repeat.

he finds a purpose in the help he gives his neighbours, helping the older lady next door with errands at the market, telling the kids stories about what it feels like to fly with your own wings, joining the border tribe on their patrols around the city

occasionally he runs into the generous (and gorgeous) king who gracefully allows him to stay in wakanda in peace while running through the palace gardens

t'challa rises with the sun and often runs in the morning to get at least some form of training in; crucial on days where he's stuck in meetings

sometimes the two run into each other—once literally, and okoye never lets t'challa hear the end of how he was so very flustered by sam wilson taking off his shirt to cool off and the sight of him all hot and sweaty and half-naked made him freeze and run right into said man—and sam has to come to terms with the fact that getting lapped by superhuman attractive men (though he personally prefers t'challa over steve) is just his life now

typically sam opens their conversation with a cat pun that makes t'challa fight back a smile and respond with something so dry and deadpan, couched in the characteristic diplomatic quality he uses it takes sam a minute to reply and react

but when sam does understand, t'challa is met with a charming half-smirk half-smile that makes his heart trip and he relies on all his diplomatic training to remain neutral or at the most amused at sam's comments

the conversations grow slowly, from casual one-liners and sarcastic quips to sam's stories of riley and sarah and his community back in delacroix, and t'challa's anecdotes about growing up in wakanda

soon enough, what starts off as a brief conversation during a part of their respective runs becomes a standing daily routine run together, the two becoming fast friends, admiring one another's loyalty, dedication, honesty, and determination

of course, because sam and t'challa are sam and t'challa, the platonic friendship with a side of appreciative attraction slowly becomes a crush

and it's not just the funny stories and misadventures they share with one another, but the sleepless nights and trauma and grief and healing too

sam couldn't sleep one night and went for a walk in the gardens he ran into an equally sleepless t'challa and so began yet another routine for them; to sit in the gardens at a clearing where the stars were bright and plentiful and visible, so vast that sam felt an ache in his bones to be up there, to be in the skies along the stars, and he realised that if there was anyone he wanted to be up there with him, it was the man sitting next to him in quiet contemplation, shoulders slumped slightly, expression handsomely brooding; the man behind the mantles of king and black panther

t'challa found himself wandering towards the gardens on those nights he couldn't sleep, when the weight of the crown and his legacy and the nation weighed so heavily on him that he felt he would crumble under it, he sought out the clearing in the garden, and more importantly, the man with his soul in the skies, his heart wherever he could help people

some nights were quiet for the most part, a brief check-in with one another before just simply taking comfort in one another's company. others were filled with conversation, those deep talks you only feel safe having in the dead of night, when the only thing awake and alive is nature, when every word is just that much more honest and real

losing parents and partners, the responsibilities of leadership, recovery and healing; just some of the things the two talk about when they can be just them, no titles or nationalities or protocol there to censor them

over morning runs and late-night conversations, sharing music and food and language and culture, and impromptu excursions to the city or beyond they grow close and find that their feelings are getting more and more difficult to ignore, both wanting more than just a friendship

it's not during a morning run or nighttime confession that they admit their feelings, but over a shared lunch together

they're eating a simple picnic lunch near the warrior falls where t'challa will soon undergo the first part of his coronation ritual and offer the people of wakanda to send a representative to fight him in ritual combat for the throne

the view of the falls is spectacular, and sam's wide-eyed face of awe and wonder, bright smile shining with all the warmth of the sun makes t'challa feel like he could take on the entire country in ritual combat and come out the other side victorious if sam continues to smile at him like that and if they had more time then they would probably go for a swim, but they don't so here they are, alone at the falls, the rush of water and the sounds of the river fauna their only company

they're laying on a blanket on the grass, watching the clouds, and sam feels just as at peace on the ground with t'challa next to him then he's ever felt with his wings in the skies

during a discussion about the coronation where t'challa answers the questions sam asks him. the subject turns to his duties as king, and sam asks about whether t'challa is expected to marry a woman in order to produce heirs for the throne. he knows wakanda doesn't discriminate against people for sexuality or gender identity, but the duties of a king are to ensure the legacy of the royal bloodline is preserved isn't it?

t'challa laughs, and says that while the royal bloodline is important, there is no restriction on who the king (or queen) marries, as long as they would be able to connect with the people, serve and help the people of wakanda the way any good ruler should

"so what i'm hearing is all's fair in love and war"

"i guess you could say that"

"so if gender and sexuality don't matter; does nationality?"

"perhaps in the past yes, but i feel wakanda is changing, and that it will not be such a concern moving forward"

"even if the king were to be with, say, a fugitive american ex-pararescue-slash-ex-avenger?"

t'challa turns to face sam, heart caught in his throat as he processes just what sam said, takes in the hopeful and tentative look in his eyes masked by a slightly wavering tone of jest and hunour, as he shifts to mirror him.

the moment stretches out for what feels like an eternity before t'challa can respond

"for you, my falcon, i think we can make an exception"

their lips meet, the two smiling too much for the kiss to be anything other than as sweet and warm as honey and sunshine, and sam wraps his arms around t'challa, bringing the king on top of him, and two exchange soft kisses and softer words until t'challa gets called away, promising to meet later not just for their near-nightly rendezvous, but for dinner in t'challa's private quarters

okay so that's all for now! i kinda hate how this turned out but whatever it's done!! taglist under the cut! if anyone didn't want to be added i'm sorry just let me know and i'll delete!

@sambuckies @thewondrouspickle @tchalcons @like-butterflies-and-glitter @shadowyenthusiaststudentus @vodka-infused-unicorn @cassleia @finger-lickin-fuckboy @twisterss

[ellaenchanting]

Creative Constraints: Don’t Cum, Create! script

So- backstory!:

With Hypnovember coming up, I was dreading trying to make 30 creations in 30 days again. I also remembered how surreal and creative my mind gets when I’m doing a prolonged denial- when I’m not having orgasms for a while. I’m going to try and combine these 2 things for Hypnovember this year and see if it helps.

I wrote this script primarily for myself, but I’m recording it as an audio anyone can use. (In fact, there might be a masc voice version very soon!) When I post my version, it will be here. 

(Update! Here it is: https://www.soundgasm.net/u/EllaEnchanting/Creative-Constraints-Dont-Cum-Create) 

 The script includes suggestions for building up erotic energy and linking that to creative energy. It suggests using denial as a way to stay creative until a creative project is done. The script was meant primarily for me so it is not exactly the same as in the audio, although it is very very close. It’s also meant for listening as opposed to reading as a text induction, so please note that as you read it.

Click below to read the script!

So you can go ahead and close your eyes and get comfortable . You know how to focus and follow and just listen to my voice- and when trance follows it can follow just as easily as taking a deep breath in and out. Very good. You’re already doing that so well. And it’s OK to keep focusing on your breathing for a bit.

And part of the skill of sinking into trance like this is being able to focus inward. Just letting the rest of the world fall away and focus on my voice with no worries, no cares, no other distractions.  Just like you focus on your breath right now. And if anything else comes to mind as I’m talking, you can let yourself just gently shift your focus back to your breathing and the sound of my voice. Feeling your muscles loosening, feel your self open and unwind. And you can respond like that to every deep breath- noting how every breath just helps you sink deeper into that awareness of how your body is starting to feel so good now. 

And it’s OK to sink into that feeling- to just let yourself feel good for awhile. And maybe you need to shift or move occasionally to help that happen and that’s OK too. Anything that helps you feel good right now just deepens your trance, and anything that deepens your trance is a good thing to do. When everything deepens you, everything can feel good and that’s just a wonderful place to be. 

And, like many of us, once you start to breathe and relax and look deep, deep inside, you may notice that other good feelings are already starting there. That might feel like your body becoming warm and sensitive- like a very pleasant, building  sense of arousal. Notice that.  Do you feel it in your heart, in your head, between your legs?  Everywhere, yet? Breathe into it, see if you can let it fill you more with every breath.  I know I’ll sometimes imagine that breath rubbing and teasing me from the inside. Very good. 

And it might feel good from here to imagine  slowly turning up the sensitivity of your skin, bit by bit- until you’re very aware of the feeling of any fabric touching  your body.  All over. Right now. Mmm. And if you focus carefully you may even be able to feel the way the air caresses and touches and teases your bare skin. 

And as you feel all of those things, it’s perfectly natural that your body reacts. Maybe your hips start to shift and move in that familiar way. Maybe your mouth wants to moan and or let out a whimper. Go ahead- the more you give into that arousal, the better it will feel. I’m curious to know just how deeply you can sink into that sensation.  It can start to feel like everything here arouses you, even the sound of my voice.

And as that starts to feel really hot, you can go ahead and find your hand moving to touch yourself in whatever way that feels best. Whether that’s stroking or pinching or rubbing  is all perfectly ok. Just make sure that touch can also be light and teasing and just enough to make you moan and whimper and need. Now you’re going to keep yourself from cuming - we have a higher purpose for your arousal - but it is VERY ok to build yourself up to a perfect level of blissful, continuing pleasure.  If you feel close to orgasming, it’s always ok to move your hand away for a moment and give yourself a rest- you can start touching again when you can maintain a nice, steady arousal for me. I’m going to keep talking as you touch- and all you need to do is listen and enjoy how good you feel right now. 

And you know, some people associate this level of arousal, of being hot and horny and turned on, with thoughtlessness. And that can feel true- as you’re focusing on my voice and focusing on how good and hot your body is- it can definitely FEEL a bit mindless. But I wonder if we can think of this, instead, in a different way. I wonder if you can notice how this arousal gives you  a deeper focus and clarity. After all, it’s very easy to focus in on your body and my voice when those both feel so good.  So easy to block out the rest of the world.  And your mind is being rewarded for your deep focus right now so it naturally just continues as I talk.

In fact, some ancient cultures and old traditions of magic wouldn’t consider this kind of deep, needy focus an impediment at all. No. In fact, it’s a superpower. Horniness and arousal like this are tied to your eros energy- your generative impulses. That eros arousal is connected to energy and creation and life itself.  It’s tied to being very alive- noticing the and enjoying the environment and making new pleasing things out of it.  And THAT is deeply tied in with creativity- your unconscious creative impulses lying just under the surface, just like those deep aroused sensations were before we tuned into them a moment ago. So easy to tune into what’s already there. Especially when you realize that arousal and that sensuality and that creativity are all already connected. After all, your unconscious wanted you to be horny. Your unconscious wants you to be creative. Those ideas are already so connected, deep down- in that ancient part of you that understands in a way that they’re the same. There’s a life giving impulse inside you to squirm and make and touch and  create and connect new ideas in a way that feels SO Good. So pleasing. So creative. Sometimes that energy feels like it just moves through you, the second that you tune in. 

And It feels SO Good to touch and squeeze and let your mind wander now and find new fantasies that please you, even as it pleases you to build up this creative, generative energy for me. It’s so lovely to feel. And you’re finding that you don’t want to release this feeling- not yet. Not when it can give you so much.

Because to be aroused is to notice. And you’re listening to this file because you want to notice. You want to notice all fun, unique ways this energy can help you generate  new ideas, new thoughts , and new creations. Maybe that’s stories or files or art or something else. Anything that sparks your creativity. And here in your aroused unconscious, it’s so easy to notice and create. As long as you hold onto this aroused energy- as long as you don’t let it go and waste it- your mind can give you all sorts of fun, sexy ideas to share with others- or even just to keep for yourself. It’s like you’re tuned into this other level of simmering awareness. Your mind can still be smart and logical when it needs to be smart and logical- but it can also feel really sensitive and open and aware on this deeper unconscious level. That deep, creative, aroused mind easily makes fun new connections between different ideas. You can be extra aware now of sensations that feel good- hot sexy ones but also sensual ones- like the taste of good food or a pleasant smell. And when you’re awake and alive like this, creative thoughts can just flow. Some may be silly or surreal or new to you but- that’s OK. When you’re tuning into this part of yourself, you don’t need to judge or worry or put blocks on this energy we’ve built up. Instead, just let  yourself be simpler. Let those thoughts and fantasies  flow through you no matter what they are. And the more they flow, the better you can feel. Almost like you’re channeling this powerful energy through you. I wonder what it will be like to travel through the world with  that erotic energy just simmering through you. 

And when you’re ready, when you’re REALLY feeling it you can let that energy focus and build up into a new creation. I know your brain can find a hot idea for a story, or a recording, or some art, or some other content that it feels SO good to make. And when you get a moment to yourself, you can indulge in thinking and making and building and building and building up ALL those hot projects. Strengthening and strengthening that energy. And when you’ve strengthened it enough, when you’ve built it enough, when you’ve worked it enough- you can finally release that content. And when you  do release it, it can feel so strong and good. Knowing you’ve done so well and it feels good to just release more and more. Letting all that energy surge out of you in a way that feels so satisfying.

Because when you create, that energy can stay with you- even after the release of that project. It doesn’t dissipate- it satisfies but then you also keep that energy built up so can release things over and over again. And you can realize when that happens that creating feels better than cuming right now. Creating feels better than cuming. When you cum this hot sexual energy is gone, but when you create you can release it again and again without it ever having to dissipate. And if you ever needed to build it up again- well, all you would need to do is touch yourself again and recite that to yourself. creating is better than cuming. Creating is better than cuming.

And of course, once you reach the end of this creative period (whenever you decide that will be), it will be Ok to release that energy as an orgasm again. It’s also OK to have an orgasm if your body isn’t reacting well to denial and you need one to take care of your emotional or physical health. However, until one of those points arise, I want you to keep building up that arousal as creative energy. I want you to notice how that pent up energy makes you feel more sensual, makes you feel more energetic, makes you feel more in touch with those creative impulses. Try and experiment with how good it can feel to only release this energy through a creative release.Through creation. Through being generative. 

I’m excited to see how good that will feel for you.

And, in a moment, I’m going to bring you back up out of trance. And you can come back in just the right state for you to continue your day. If you want to stay aroused and tune into those creative impulses, you can feel free. if you want to relax and let those go back under the surface for a bit, that’s fine too. Just take a few deep breaths and let them sink back down- know they’ll be attuned and sensitive and ready when you need them.

coming back up yada yada 

[tortilla-of-courage]

Blog Intro/Master Post

Hi! I’m Tortilla (or Tort or whatever you wanna call me), any pronouns/gendered terms are fine but i default to she/her, local SkSw nerd

I periodically reply to a bunch of asks in a row, so... yeah, be aware lol.

i try to tag TWs if possible but if you ever need me to tag something just hit me up! (i usually do it in “#tw thing” format)

like/reblog spam are more than welcome! go wild, don’t be shy, you’re not annoying me at all /gen

i’m currently in college so i’m not posting as much but i usually try to setup a queue

i swear. a lot. i say the Fuck word Everywhere. i usually only tag “#swearing” on art posts, otherwise it’s free real estate

please don’t get overly NSFW in my asks or i’ll block you

i tag spoilers for ALL Zelda games, in case you don’t want to get something spoiled! format is “#game subtitle spoilers” (like, “#skyward sword spoilers”)

i also do post reacts of zelda games whenever i play! in that case i tag them as “#tortilla plays acronym” (ex. “#tortilla plays sshd”, “#tortilla plays oos”), so just assume those have spoilers AND will be spammy sometimes, so if you wanna block them go ahead. general tag for these will be "#tortilla plays" if you want a block all lmao

On Art Usage, you CAN use my art as: 

profile pictures/headers (with a link to my blog if possible)

discord emojis/stickers

reaction pictures

for translation into other languages, please DM/send in an ask first!

please DON’T:

repost my art (with “repost” meaning saving the picture, then uploading it yourself somewhere, like say Pinterest, Twitter, Tumblr, etc - reblogs are NOT reposting, and those ARE encouraged)

LU Master Post (oh my god. the links all broke. i need to fix this. eventually. sorry.)

Zelda Master Post (needs updating)

Fast Food AU Master Post (needs updating)

For navigation tags and more info check the read more! <3

Other blogs:

main: @amamillalatortilla

fast food AU (WIP): @tortilla-of-wisdom

theories/language analysis/translations (WIP): @tortilla-of-power

AO3 Account: TortillaKun

normal art account: @tortillakun

english isn't my native language (it's spanish), so if i ever make a mistake I'm sorry in advance. i dont really need you to point it out unless it's like smth bad lmao

About asks/DMs: PLEASE don’t send in asks with overly NSFW content (xILF jokes and similar stuff are okay, but nothing explicit). I am 23 but i have no interest in getting that kind of message, fandom related or not, from anyone. Also please don’t objectify me in any form??? Overall don’t be an asshole. If you do that stuff I won’t hesitate to block you.

related but id prefer if you dont send me several paragraphs of fanfiction. if you really want me to read smth you can just post it somewhere and let me know where it is and I'll probably check it out

as for tags, here’s the main ones i use for original content besides fandom-related ones:

#tortilla rambles: just me saying whatever nonsense in a text post

#tortilla thinks: theory posts, or just pointing out coincidences between the games

#tortilla asks: asks i reply to 

#tortilla posts: most of my original posts (art / theories / writing / etc), but lately i’ve been using it to tag stuff that doesn’t fit the art/writing tags

#tortilla reblogs: for, well, reblogs. in case you want to block that since i sometimes reblog a lot of stuff.

#tortilla writes: my writing (don’t write much but.. it happens sometimes lol)

#tortilla arts: all my art (will mostly be mspaint doodles but there might be something nicer thrown in every once and then)

#tortilla queue: queue tag

#Zelda art: my Zelda art (no AUs - besides maybe my own every once in a while)

#linked universe art: my Linked Universe AU art

All purely Zelda content (both original and reblogged) will be tagged #legend of zelda, with Zelda games tagged by their subtitles (”#Skyward Sword”, etc). The spoiler tag for each game is the title followed by Spoilers (”#Skyward Sword Spoilers”). will use #tortilla’s zelda tag for asks to not clog the main tags

All Linked Universe stuff (both original and reblogged) will be tagged #linked universe. Will use #tortilla’s lu tag when it comes to asks relating to LU, to try and not flood the actual tag with all that

LU stuff won’t be tagged with the main games’ tags, to keep stuff separated, unless under very specific circumstances (mostly in reblogs). if any of my original posts do mix the two it was probably an oversight, as i try not to do it, both at request of LU’s author and to respect the Zelda fandom’s space as a whole. The one exception to this might be my post about the Hylian Written Language, where I only included LU at the end for a brief conclussion regarding the entire thing

also, very rarely i’ll reblog something that’s not Zelda, like, at all. but if I do it’s almost 100% because it reminded me of a Zelda/LU character. anyways, if you dont wanna see those, i’ll tag them as #not zelda

feel free to @ me in anything! you can also send in asks or a submission, but please note that currently i have almost 200 asks, so it might take me a while to reply, or i might not in the long run if i end up deleting them if i feel it’s too late to reply to them. sometimes i overlook stuff since i can get a bunch of asks a day, so if you think it’s of utmost importance i look at it right that moment, feel free to send in another ask asking about it

Additional tags you might wanna check out/block/silence/etc:

#tortilla cries over animals: asks with pics of people’s pets - not sure how they started but they still come every once in a while, so if you wanna block it (or browse it) here it is. will usually be tagged along “#animals” and the respective animal in the pictures

#loftwingsona time: the craze about what SkSw Link would name his loftwing that slowly evolved into people making loftwingsonas. yeah oddly specific

#the linkceler saga: what the title says. look in it at your own risk

#tortilla plushie world: people shared plushies with me so?? yeah

#translation shenanigans: me and other people talking about translation differences in SkSw (at the moment, might cover other games later on)

#fav tag: very recent, but i’ll use it for posts that i really want to go see again from time to time c:

#tortilla plays sshd, #tortilla plays oos: my live-react posts about stuff that happens while i play the games. will add more as i play them. they WILL have spoilers so be aware

[yomiurinikei]

i feel as though i might be someone you side-eye because of an analysis i did, cause i've been into the game for over a year but the only people I ever talked about the game was with those I knew irl, and none of us had any clue about the fandom or any linju info. Iike recently i realised, 'oh what the, this fandom thinks very differently about this game than we did'. and i really think different environments/people really change what you think/know about the games. we never bothered to look deep into the game cause it was nothing more than a game we got into, y'know?

i feel like that's getting a bit off topic but still. people's experiences with the game are definitely changing a lot. a lot more now. sorry that this is stressful, i feel as though my analysis may have add to the stress. to which I do apologize.

glad to hear you are okay tho!

sorry that this is an extra ask to answer.

hello hello!!!

first off dont apologize for asks!! i like answering asks i like talking to people. if the reason u think u have to apologize is because of the time i mentioned like… i may answer the asks i have now and leave this blog, that doesn’t mean i mind getting asks! aaand besides that, i’m feeling significantly better having actually. expressed why i was freaked out, and being reacted to with support!

nowww. there’s nothing wrong with making an analysis! there was like… one or two? which got me freaked out because like… “mmm that’s really reminiscent of the feed expressed by (user who ended up being a raging pro shipper) that’s not… good..” buuut. i do trust that people r good until they’re explicitly shown to be supporting bad things which they know r wrong, so im definitely not upset with anyone who’s new around here!!!

there has been a lot of new people to look into, which! is really nice, because new content and engagement is great, it’s just like… my Issues from being here for so long and seeing so many people ending up as proshippers/etc etc, has made me have a bit of a hair pull trigger when it comes to seeing red flags.

but yeah! if you are like. the one person who posted something which made me go “ohhh you don’t seem to know about (blank) which. entirely changes the context of this thing” then like. all i’m gonna do is reach out to u to explain why people have a different view of (concerning take), but like. i don’t think it’s a bad thing/moral failing to not have context and to make your own views with what u think aksjdjdjkd,,

uhhh tldr. i have issues from seeing so many gross people in the fandom but i just needed to be reminded that people actually care about being good and normal people akdjdjdk, talking with people is great and explaining things is great and like… maybe today? i have a lot of schoolwork. but maybe today i’ll reach out to some people and also.. potentially upload a list of icky users to watch out for. yea. love nd support to u anon i am sure ur a great person!!!

[beetleboo]

long post. one i’ve been trying to make for a while now. hell, i wrote this like... third week of may. didn’t post it until now because i didn’t know if I wanted to.

but something i want to lay out, been wanting to lay out for months. dont want to talk to anyone about it, just want to put the info out there for it to be seen.

if you re/blog this i will block you. i may put this on the relevant sideblog at some point.

because 2020 was the worst year on record for me for a number of reasons, and it’s torn me down to the lowest point i’ve been in a long time, and this is just. everything that’s gone down. not a callout post, no one gets named, but these are all the events

partially in relation to my fandom sideblog, because that’s where i had community, and where it’s all just. gone. doesnt exist anymore.

i started up a server, ages ago now. somewhere i curated to be a positive and safe space for things, and for a while, it was that.

around the end of 2019, spilling over to the start of 2020 when it picked up, i found, both on my blog and in discord spaces, in particular the server i ran, that people no longer talked to me. no one would hold a conversation with me past a few basic responses, no one replied to anything i shared, no one engaged when i tried to start discussions. so i pulled back from the main server - S1. thought it was just a lull in activity. stayed that way for weeks, months, and I just muted the server. no one ever cared about anything i had to say. was lucky if anything i posted got even a token emoji react

was in another, smaller server - S2. people i talked to damn near every day, even in voice. played games together - that became... no fun simply because everyone else was so much better/further ahead in the game. i was completely useless, so didn’t server a function in game and never really felt like anyone actively wanted me around, but i still participated in chat.

but again, no one ever responded to anything I posted beyond maybe a token react

couple people discussing something one day. I contributed with Theory A, and quite immediately got that shut down. few minutes later, they rephrased exactly what I said and happily nattered away. so whatever I said wasn’t worth it when it came out of my mouth but if they talked about it, it was all well and valid. so again, between that specific experience and no one interacting with me, nor anything I post. server muted. treatment taught me no one cared about my presence there.

gave admin rights to S1, my server, to someone I trusted. two requests only: dont delete channels and let me know if you want to invite anyone (since I kept it private)

RYE (i’m just assigning random three letter names to people to keep this straight) posted public invites several times. never asked me. one of the two things i asked. brought it up with them that it bothered me, just got vague noncomittal responses. more public invites. eventually, after having the server muted for months, i handed over full control and left. that was almost a full year ago. none of the people have talked to me in that entire year, through discord or here or anything.

except RYE who sent me a message after a couple months like ‘wow i havent heard from you in a while hope you’re doing ok’. i wasn’t. after a bit but still the same day, i said as much. that i wasn’t doing well. they never responded. and i don’t mean like, they didn’t respond that day. i mean i literally never heard from them until months later when they sent me a meme and also didn’t respond to me commenting on that meme.

and this is one side of things. all of the above was the first half of the year. this next bit happened about. march2020? I was in another server - S3. another place that was a good space at the time. was in voice chat with two other people. started talking about one thing. MIN very suddenly said something along the lines of ‘i don’t care about this i’ll come back when you’re done’

this is one of the very few things that can trigger me - i’ve had a lot of people talk down to me if I dare look excited about anything. when they came back, i asked if they could try to just. depart conversations more softly. MIN always said ‘if i do anything hurtful to you just tell me! i dont want to do that kind of thing!’

this was clearly a lie as they exploded on me, telling me they always have to walk on eggshells around me, that I ask so many things from them. before what I asked them that day, I can only recall one other thing i asked (which was not to talk about a person who was abusive towards me, and they were like ‘yea sure np’ about that, over a year prior’)

the whole thing turned into basically me having to shut down the fact that i was hurt by what they did, had to ignore that now and i had to fawn and placate them and the only thing i got out of that was that my feelings were irrelevant, only theirs.

(incidentally, I have had two other people turn on me in similar ways, accusing me of doing shifty/bad/terrible things, and not being willing to tell me what they are when I ask, only saying that ‘i should know what i did’ so that’s also now a Fun New Bit Of Trauma.)

and that entire weeklong event lead me straight to a breakdown. literal genuine breakdown i cannot convey how devastating that entire scenario was without going into far too many details.

so between all of these things happening in less than six months, with three different community spaces folding and collapsing and fading away from me, with many of the friends i thought i had just. moving on to other things and dropping me. people i talked to every day just not bothering with me anymore. they all have gone on to other stuff and no one ever went ‘hey beets wanna see what i’m up to’ or ‘wanna do this thing with me’

a handful of instances of me saying ‘yeah i’m dealing with these fears that have been reinforced lately that people aren’t safe to deal with, even thought part of me knows they’re probably irrational it feels like i have evidence to back it up’ and people immediately take it personally like i’m saying they’re not safe. despite. me outright saying. i know logically it should be irrational. but their reactions just reinforce it so it’s just a loop and tells me, again, never to bring up any of my problems with anyone.

so this all just reinforces that there’s something wrong with me. couple years back i spoke to a friend and how i was frustrated that I seemed to end up in bad spaces and they said ‘well you’re the one thing in common so its probably your fault’ and obviously they’re not my friend anymore but that has affected me so deeply. i can’t do anything without overthinking, whenever anything goes wrong i tear apart everything i’ve done and everything i’ve said or thought and i don’t know why things keep going bad. i try so hard but i’m just. not right.

so it all teaches me that there’s no point in reaching out in trying to talk to people because if i say ‘hey this hurt me’ i get ignored at best or torn down, yelled at, scolded. no point in trying to talk to new people because everyone just walks away at some point. not even a natural drift apart, i can handle that. but just very suddenly, they’re gone, off with better people doing better things.

roundabout, ties back to ‘consumption versus community’ - this is why i’ve been struggling so hard with lack of engagement on my sideblog. lucky to get a dozen notes on anything i make, unless it’s something other people can use (like mods) and even THEN it’s rare to see much activity. and that was FINE because i had people to talk to elsewhere, who would ask questions and we could back and forth and i shared my stuff and they shared those and it didnt matter if my posts only got a dozen notes because i had friends to talk to.

now i get (example) seven notes, six of which are likes and one is a reblog with no commentary. when i have something with a ton of notes, still, minimal commentary, no one talks to me. even on a mod with five hundred notes it just feels like i went ‘hey i made something :)’ and everyone picked it up and walked away with it, no one went ‘hey this is cool i want to talk to the person who made it.’

and it just feels like 95% of the time, i’m just overlooked. 

and it’s worse than it’s ever been in my entire life, and I wonder, what’s the point of any of this anymore.

why bother to make the posts to share when it all just gets passed by. what’s the point in trying to reach out to new people and make friends when i get lashed out at or left behind? the social is gone out of my social media. i had community, and now it’s gone.

so this has all been going on for months and months and months and hey! suffering. and i dont expect it to get any better, don’t expect this post to fix these issues, but i’ve been trying to say something about all of this for fucking months and i think just, laying it all out is all I can do about it. i’m sure i’ve forgotten some things to touch on but as it is, all these events, all of it happening all together. new traumas, old traumas reawoken, reinforced, i’ve been torn to pieces i don’t know how to function, i can’t remember the last time i felt like even half a real person. taught that the safe, positive spaces that meant so much to me don’t actually exist and they’ll all turn on me and be torn away. nowhere is safe anymore, and trying to make it safe is just going to ruin me again.

people aren’t safe, places aren’t safe, been proven to me time and time again so i just. stay away.

no matter how much i try to fight that, it just doesnt work.

anyway tl;dr beets needs therapy probably

[zmayadw]

Hello again :)

Heres a second part of my fanfic, as i said in previous post that i will add one or two. I know the begining might be a bit long and boring, but i decided my other two favorite Duskwood characters deserve some love ,too. :)

 Thanks to all who took their time to read it!

CALL OF THE RAVEN

PART 2

Next thing I remember was waking up in a hospital. The bright light from the window made me squint my eyes, and my head throbbed as hell. „Arghh, too bright.“ I mumbled, as a cheerfull voice next to me responded  „Well finaly, I was begining to worry you would never wake up! You know, you're taking those beautysleep advices too seriously.“ My eyes ajusted to the light, and I was looking at that cheerful, loving face, the face I knew oh so well. „Hmm, considering all, an extra hour or so of beautysleep is so allowed for me.“  I said, my voice hoarse a bit. She snorted „Make that 'an extra day or so'! You slept for almost three days!“ she said, walkig towards my bed and hugging me carefully. It felt good, just knowing she was there. She pulled away from me, her face serious.  “What wer you thinking?“ „ I'm sorry Jessy, so, so sorry.“  I said, tears swelling behind my eyes. „ I know what I did was stupid, but belive me, I really tought I was doing the right thing.“ „The 'right thing' almost got you killed Maya!“ she yelled at me, wich made me realize just how much she was worried about me. I burried my face in my hands, tears falling down „Please Jessy, dont be mad at me, I feel awfull as it is already. I realize my actions wer wrong, but I cant undo any of it now. And God knows im more then happy to be alive, and Hannah too! And I know my „sorry“ might not be enough this time, but I reall am sorry Jessy, you cant imagine how much. But please, please, you have to forgive me, I couldnt stand if I loose you!“ I couldnt force myself to look at her, I was so scared she would just get up and leave. And who could blame her, really, after all I did, she would have every right to do so. Suddenly, my hands wer slowely being moved from my face, and i opened my eyes  to see hers holding mine. I lifted my head, and our eyes met. Hers wer now also full of tears. She hugged me so fiercly, and even if everything still hurted me like hell, I was so reliefed and hugged her back tightly as I could. „Ofcourse I forgive you, Maya. I was so damn worried and scared that I will loose you!“ I was releifed to hear her say it, I hugged her even tighter, saying through my tears „I'm sorry Jessy.“ She held me like that for a while, and then pulled slowly back. „I'm glad you're ok Maya.“ She said, smile coming back to that pretty face. „Look at us! Bawling here like little kids.“ That made me chuckle, and i said whiping my tears  „Huh, I never tought our fist time meeting would be with me in the hospital. But, hey, im not picky, i'm just glad I finaly had a chance to hug you.“  „I dont think anyone imagined this to be the place of your first meeting us. You do realize others will want to come and see you? Dan already wanted to come with me, he was mumbling something about how he owes you a whiskey. But i gave him such a stern look, he just kissed me goodby and said to say 'hi' from him and ran away from me.“ The tought of Dan being scared of Jessy made me laugh so hard, i got a little dizzy from the pain. Jessy noticed me vincing, quickly saying „But that can wait, you need to rest more first. It's not like you're going anywhere anytime soon!“ She looked at me all serious, and i understood why Dan acted like he did. „Dont worry, Jessy, I wont try to break out of hospital.“ I said with a grin on my face. „A bit of r'n'r is definatly what I need now.“ „Good! And since i'm clearly your favorite person from our little clique, you wont get rid of me that easy while  in here.“ She said cheerfully. „Thanks, Jessy. I mean it, Im really glad you're here with me.“ „Me too, Maya, me too.“ She stayed with me that whole afternoon, and I was happy about it. We talked about everything we could think of: how we gonna take that walk arround Duskwood together, having coffee at the Rainbow caffee, going to Aurora for drinks. Jessy was so full of life, and managed to stay so positive through all of this mess. She told me that police gave her my stuff and my phone, and will bring me what i need. It wasnt so important, but i could really use my phone.  It was like Jessy could read my mind, and she looked at me with simpathy „Did Jake contacted you?“  There was a knot in my stomack when she asked, because I knew I wasnt out in the clear with what I did with everyone just jet. „I dont know, Jessy,  I guess i'll find out when I get my phone. But im sure Lily told him all about it by now, and to be honest, it's the one conversation i'm scared of having at the moment.“ „I'm sure it will be fine.“ „I really hope so, Jessy. I really care so much for him. I dont know for sure what he feels, and it doesnt really matter, I just cant stand the tought of him being mad at me. Or not talking to me anymore...I got so used of having him arround, even just virtualy..i dont know Jessy, i cant explain it... i just need him in my life. Does this make any sense to you?“  She looked at me, with care and a hint of worry showing on her face „Yes Maya, it makes perfect sense.“ We talked for a while more. She looked at the clok on the wall and jumped „Oh, yay I gotta go, forgot Im meeting Dan! He made me promise to meet later, since I didnt let him come with me here.“ „Heh, better go then, I dont want Dan blaming me AGAIN for getting stud up by you. Or he might not buy me that whiskey he promised, an to be honest I could really use it now.“ I sad smiling at her. „Ohh no, you two are gonna be a pain in the butt when you meet, arent you?“ she groaned, but a smile was written all over her face. „Dont worry, i'll behave..as much as possible. As for Dan, im sure if you join us and give him some of your 'scarry' looks, he'll behave too.“  She bursted out laughing. „Oh, cant wait for it! I'll go grab your phone  real quick, and then im off.“ She ran for the door, stoped, turned arround giving me one more of her beautiful smiles „I'm really glad you're ok Maya.“ I smiled back,“ Me too Jessy, me too.“ She came back with my phone, plugged it to charge next to my bed hugging me quickly before leaving.

It was almost dark outside, and the room was so quiet since Jessy left. There wasnt much comotion in the hospital, and I appriciated it actualy, some peace after all the mess was a nice change. I stared at the window for a while, just enjoyeing the sceene of the sun setting down, the sky taking that purpleish-blue color. I was actually delaying the moment of turning my phone on, because I was scared. A the same time I hoped Jake would contact me, but then I was also scared of talking to him. Its been three days since the incident, and im sure Jake found out everything by now, so maybe he vented some of the anger off in the mean time. Ah, c'mon Maya, dont be a sissy! – i tought to myself – You stared death in the face, and showed it the middle finger, and you're scared of that thing? I took a deep breath, took my phone from the stand, and turned it on. It felt like forever for it to turn when i punched my code, and when it finaly did, i left it aside. The beeping of new messages, missed calls, new emails and all was the only sound spreading through the room. And with every beep my stomach reacted a bit, thinking if any of those beeps belongs to Jakes. I got so lost in my toughts, that a voice snaped me back, startling me a bit. A nurse smiled „Sorry hun, i didnt want to fright you. Just came to chek up on you, ask if you need anyhting and to give you some pain meds.“ She winked at me „It's the good stuff, will help you sleep better.“ „Thank you, mam, im good.“ I smiled back at her, and quickly glanced at my phone - 44 missed calls, 24 messages, 17 emails. That will be some time killing stuff. The nurse was done, she waved at me wishing me good night, saying to feel free calling her if I needed anything. I thanked her again as she left the room. I took my phone, my hand shakeing. I checked 'missed calls' first, and tho i didnt expect it, was a bit dissapointed Jake wasnt among one of them. I opened the messages, and Jessy's message was on top. „Sending you hugs&kisses!“ it was written under the picture of her and Dan, grining with their glasses raised. It made me smile, and i texted her back „Hehe, Dan must be happy you actualy came this time! xD Have fun you two, cant wait to join you. Hugs&kisses“ I checked other messages, and my hearth squeezed a bit when i saw he didnt texted either. I didnt feel like replaying to any at the moment, settling the phone back on the stand. I switched off the light above the bed, turned on the side, staring at now complete darkness throught the window. One tear rolled down my cheek as i closed my eyes, hoping sleep will come soon.

[cottoncandyjester]

How would your Yandere Ocs react to Y/N enjoy having friends? They are not into having a romantic relationship but they enjoy giving out platonic affection to their friends. Platonic cuddles, kisses, and hugs.

Anyone ever have those moments where not writing feels weird and unnatural? That's my current mood so decided to write this ask at 7am lol

Warning this contains: talk of sex but nothing nsfw, toxic relationships, yandere behavior, manipulation, blackmail

Theodore

As your friend he urges you to not do that

His scolding feels more like a worried father

He shows you the logical side

"what if someone catches feelings when you do that? Wouldn't be good"

He just wants your kisses to himself

If you become affectionate with him he will love it

Honestly though jealously will set in quite fast

You're not his but you basically are

You just don't know it

His suggestions turn into a warning if you keep it up

After seeing you kiss other people for so long it won't be long until he's snatching you up

Taking you away from that situation the only way he knows how

He makes sure to manipulate you, after all theodore works hard to make sure you see him as the voice of reason

He's so smart and reasonable he's only trying to help you don't you see?

"they really said that?"

"I'm afraid so, but it's okay you have me"

Theodore smiled at you gently, his news about your friends hating you shocked you to the core but you were unsure if you were to believe such a thing after all that simply couldn't be true you had a close bind with them

"maybe I should talk with them, we can work it out or some-"

"you know that not the correct answer dear"

Theodore pulled you in for a hug a long sigh escaping him as he held you close, his voice whispering in your ear

" you know it's true, be logical now. The facts simply line up..all those times they told you that they were all going to hang out only to ditch you, or those moments or the fact that they start to whisper about you when you just aren't aware, I see all those things darling"

Theo was a snake, he was able to make you unsure about it all. Placing a small seed of doubt was all it took to ruin everything, of course he did the same little trick on your friends making sure they doubted your friendship as well.

In the end all those friends you adored for some reason stopped hanging around you, you did never understand why but that was okay cause theo stayed by your side no matter what cause..that's what friends are for

Hikaru

Oh honey

He knows this game all too well

Hell he's played it before

It's so easy to befriend your friends

Win them over and win you over as well

It's all in the plan

Of course he wants to slam your friends' heads into a brick wall for touching you but that's besides the point

Flashing around his debit card was all it took to win your friends over

Once they were his..he corrupted them

Spreading rumors and gossip is his favorite hobby

From fake dark secrets about you to gross remarks

It wasn't long until all your friends thought you were a little whore

They all stopped hanging out with you after that

You have no idea why

It honestly broke you

And now hikaru could break you even more

"what do you expect from greedy little bitches, [y/n]?"

Hikaru had to hold back a grin at the sight of you teary eyes about your friends telling you that they don't want to be around you anymore. All that hard work paid off and he was way too happy, you were all his now but this wasn't enough

You had to want him as much as he wanted you.

"honestly though, maybe we shouldn't be fr-"

"No! Please! You're my only friend left!"

Hikaru eyes you with a cold stare now walking closer and gently pushed you down to your knees

"beg for my friendship, after all you're gonna need allies. I think one of them posted a nasty tweet on Twitter and it's going around. But with my help I can definitely make sure you're safe"

Your eyes widened and you honestly had no choice, it was either have your whole friends and family think awful things about you or become his best friend

Hikaru wasn't too bad..right?

"p-please, be my friend hikaru..I need you"

Hikaru couldn't hide a grin anymore as he leaned down roughly grabbing your face forcing direct eye contact

"that's right, you need me. Without me you will be alone and you don't wanna be alone..right, [y/n]? So be a good little bitch and do exact what I say"

His threatening tone terrified you but it scared you more to think what will happen if you didn't do as you were told.

Axis

Goes straight to guilty tripping

He should get the most affection cause he's your bestest friend ever

He needs you!

Please treat him far more special than the rest of your friends

He becomes extremely clingy

He is always around you..like always

He doesn't really get along with your others friends quite as much

He isn't smart like the others

This blind bag of rocks thinks being a brat will solve it

It does annoy your friends and they complain about him to you

If you try to break your friendship off with him he will break down sobbing

Will say anything to prevent you from seeing him in a bad light

"w-what are you saying, [y/n]?"

"we can't be friends, you're scaring my other friends"

Axis felt shocked but quickly knew what to do, tears rolled down his face as he sniffled now playing the pitiful pathetic role. Seeing his heavy tears made your eyes soften and you stepped towards him unsure of what to do

"it's cause I'm blind isn't it? It's cause I'm not like them right?"

That single sentence sent you in for a loop and you were quickly comforting them male before you knew it

"nononono! That's not it I swear! They all said that you've been threatening them and that you being clingy with me is weird"

"lies lies lies! It's not true! I just wanted to be friends, why do they hate me [y/n]?"

Axis suddenly reached out clearly wanting you to grab him so you did and he wrapped his arms around you hugging you close

"h-how come they can be clingy with you but I can't? That's not fair..they hate me cause of my disability, people like that are the worst"

Seeing how fragile and vulnurable axis was made you bubble up with anger, how could your friends treat him so poorly? There was no way he was making threats towards them!

He was such a sweet guy and having him sob into your arms made you confirm that! Axis wasn't a danger to anyone and your friends were selfish and cruel..is what you believed

Axis sniffles softly now hiding a small smile as he hugged you close, his sweet [y/n] will be all his someday, so what does it matter if he told a few lies or spilled a few tears.

Prince

So that's how you wanna play?

Okay!

Of course he's jealous but he isn't going to have a bitch fit over it

He knows what to do

He proceeded to seduce and sleep with your entire friend group

Gender does matter

Sexuality doesn't matter

He somehow did it

Once he did that it was only natural for things to fall apart

Your friends liked him

Loved him

Wanted to screw him

And he used that to his advantage

Having them fight each other was just amazing

It didn't take much for jealously to kick in amongst your friends

A simple hand hold with one of your friends made the others very jealous

You were blissfully unaware

You didn't understand why your friends were so tense around another

Then they started to bad mouth each other to you

It was utter hell and chaos trying to keep the peace

Prince of course was there to comfort you every step of the way

"babe, some people are just toxic y'know?"

"y-yeah, but this came out of nowhere like we were all fine I have no idea what happened"

You sat with prince in his room he let you vent our your troubles and you needed that. All your other friends were fighting with each other every chance they get and you still don't know why

"what do you think, P?"

"ehh, I dunno? People are weird huh? Well whatever it is dont stick your nose in it or they will snap at you too"

"yeah, I should wait til this all blows over, it will be fine I mean we are all best friends"

Prince held back a chuckle as he watched you, you trusted him and he loved that. He leaned close planting a kiss to your cheek

"how about you spend the night yeah? We can just chill and eat food yeah? You definitely need that"

"yeah sounds good"

Checkmate. You were his.

Yuki

Okay..do it to him

Kiss him too

Hug him as well

When he sees you go to hug or kiss someone else he quickly stops it by distracting you

Whether it be tugging your shirt to get your attention or showing you a random video on his phone of a cute animal

He will distract your mind for that moment

He end up stealing all the kisses and love

Your lap is just perfect for sleeping

He does have to dispose of your friends though

After all you two were 'dating' and cheating isn't a good trait

He does it by intimidation

Blackmail does the trick nicely

Blackmailing all of them has scared them away

But that's okay cause yuki will take all their affection

"I think she blocked me, I'm not in the group chat anymore what about you?"

You spoke to the male who rested his head in your lap, you two were in your room relaxing and as always yuki had his head rested in your lap looking like he was about to fall asleep

His light grunt answered the question for you and you gave a long sigh, your fingers now running through his hair and he's a satisfied groan from him

Yuki was a quiet one but you liked that about him, he reminded you of a cat.

"guess I'll try again later, a nap sound good huh?"

Yuki turned to his side his face buried in your stomach now as he held you close nuzzling his face into you with a pleased him. He wasn't sure how long the blackmail would work but it was working that's all that mattered to him

"forget them...'m here"

His soft whisper shocked you but you grinned as you leaned down kissing your best friend on his cheek

"yeah I could always count on you huh?"

Of course you could, he was your future husband!

[shattered-catalyst]

OCD Subtypes for the RPC

Part 1 is here

Well well well, we are back for Part 2 of the Roleplayer’s Guide to OCD.

Fellow Ocd Folks, I see you in those tags and I'm going to do my best to ensure those obsessions are represented here- BUT understand that physically it is not going to be possible to list every single one because I am one person.  Regardless its incredibly brave of you all to rb and add things in the tags, I know its hard to talk about this shit and I see you. I see you.

Resultantly I typed this out and posted it in formatting to assist with accessibility in mind; if you cannot read it still ( I tried Im sorry!) i recommend the copy and paste method or getting the chrome extension bee-line reader.

 There will be grammatical and spelling mistakes. Im sure spacing is odd some places, but you have to understand doing this is extremely anxiety provoking for me so Im just getting it done when I can.

Remember to use your critical thinking; not everyone has the same symptoms/compulsions/triggers and all that.

OCD is fluid. Its like liquid mercury. One day its a handful of subtypes another day its another different serving.

If you are in general squicked about certain topics even by mention read ahead with your own judgement. Remember us folks that have OCD have many disturbing and distressing experiences so if you are writing a character who has OCD and you can’t read about it just don’t give them that obsessive thought/ compulsion. Make sure writing is still a safe and enjoyable hobby for yourself first and foremost.

But ethically and morally I cannot and will not leave out the more disturbing bits. You have the ability to scroll by, I and many others do not get the chance to escape triggering content that our own mind creates.

So read ahead with your best judgement or at least skip around the squicky parts and educate yourself on what OCD is so people quite using it as a Obsessive Christmas/Corgi/Cat Disorder thing. Alright? Cool beans.

Okay so you made it passed post 1 and got under the read more. Give yourself a gold star for diving into this monster of a document.

Below is a crash course it is not meant to replace actual psychoeducation, personal research, or google. Honestly most of us do our research extensively but because OCD is treated so horribly by social media, media, and society in general.

I wasn’t sure where to throw these together because the education tools to learn fully about OCD are very specialized and thus very restricted. I found that many people DO have these experiences with OCD though so I will represent them throughout. I’ll also sprinkle some of my own experiences so you can get a good reference of a person who has the disorder and not just a randomly generated person.

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So OCD is made up of Obsessions, Trigger, Intrusive thought, Misinterpretation/feared consequence,Somatic and Psychological Anxiety, and Compulsions/Rituals.

Your character may not be able to list all of these. In fact if they aren't in ERP therapy they may not be able to puzzle these things out. But YOU as the writer should know them. Your character won’t be walking around talking to just ANYONE that they have OCD. Remember a huge aspect of OCD is it’s Shame.  The disorder makes us feel intense shame regarding our intrusive thoughts, as a result OCD goes undiagnosed for years especially if it has pediatric onset.

  We won’t tell anyone what we are experiencing or why we are doing x y or z. We act like nothing is wrong because to emotionally react is to admit to yourself- and therefore the world- that you have had this intrusive thought and are therefore by virtue a horrible person.[For further information I would suggest also researching PANDAS].

It may be noticeable if your character has an intrusive thought. They may wince or grimace or roll their eyes certainly, but they won’t open up to Joe at the cafe about how their brain is constantly torturing them. I apparently have a very noticeable eye twitch.

 Depending on the nature of the intrusive thought it will get more or less of a reaction out of me. Its usually dependent on how distressing the intrusive thought is and/or if its a new one.

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You see OCD doesn’t sit still. It never looks the same. You’ll have your long haul intrusive thoughts that are with you for years but then you’ll have weird ass ones that just appear and demand their voice be heard yelling about cars hitting people or squirrels getting eaten.

Some people have similar ones! So while everyone is different there will always be someone out there with an intrusive thought similar to yours.

 For instance; I bonded emotionally with a lady on reddit because we both have intrusive thoughts during storms that animals and the homeless are dying. We were both horribly relieved to find another person and also distressed that every snow or rain storm brings horrible images and whispers to your mind that while you are warm and snug in bed someone is freezing to death. And its all your fault.

Some days are better than others. As with all mental illnesses it isn’t CONSTANT ALARM BELLS. Some days it will be all alarms and other days it will be like a gentle whisper on the breeze. You can almost not notice it. Almost.

Obsessive thoughts run the gauntlet from ‘i will/could have/may/may accidentally harm etc’ something that you hold of value. This is any obsessive thought that you have: you think about repeatedly and not by choice, it is very anxiety provoking, it is unwanted, and unwelcome.

 Mine run the scale from ‘squirrel will be murdered’ to ‘being responsible for harm’.

Compulsions or ‘rituals’ are any behavior done to alleviate the anxiety from the intrusive thought and trigger object. In short, compulsions and rituals are not fun. they are absolutely not logical, and we know they are not logical but we are forced to do them. Thats why its a disorder. 

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To emphasize from post 1: magical thinking and the faulty link between thoughts and actions are hallmarks of OCD.  Magical thinking can be anything from contamination to if I turn around three times or stare really hard at something the bad thing wont happen. Sounds weird and is weird and we know it is thats why its a disorder and not a delusion.

The faulty belief that thought=action is the biggest hurdle it is incredibly difficult to grasp, at least for me maybe some of you that have done further ERP can attest, that the mere concept of a thought not being the same as an action is completely and totally mind blowing.

Free will? Yeah thats terrifying. IDK about anyone else but free will is absolutely terrifying; what do you mean i could do anything i wanted?

Thats how you face OCD(WITH A TRAINED THERAPIST). You give in to ambiguity and the unknown. Its breaking that link between thought and action. Its incredibly difficult and draining. A five minute exposure leaves me in shatters for a week and two five minute ones had me ripping my nails past the nail beds with anxiety.

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Just a reminder: Do not have your character expose themself or expose folks with OCD to a trigger to “ help us get over with”. That is literally forcing someone with a mental illness into a break down and is not helpful. In fact its worse because a person knows about this intrusive thought and they tried to make it real. More shame and some trauma. 

If you have OCD, more likely than not a family member or significant other has tried this with the purest of intentions. But it never works like that. Theres a reason that therapists get special training for this. If people want a post on ERP I can make one at some point. 

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Actually let’s drag me with the squirrel thing as the example- fellow OCD Folks get out a pen and paper and try breaking down one of yours;

Obsession:Squirrel will be murdered

Trigger: seeing a squirrel

 Intrusive thought: Graphic images of a squirrel being murdered by a hawk/ impaling depending on the day

Misinterpretation/feared consequence: Squirrel will be killed and its all my fault

Somatic and Psychological Anxiety:intense anxiety, palms sweating, heart racing,

Compulsions/Rituals: Must stare at the squirrel to prevent bad things from happening, 

Now imagine if that is every time you see a fucking squirrel. You have somehow become completely and totally transfixed on a squirrel and nothing is going to pull your attention away or the squirrel dies- which your mind is giving you lovely images of btw.

Cute right?

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Below are the subtypes with general information/example thoughts/ and how some of these have impacted me socially because apparently some people dont understand that mental illnesses impact their social lives?? yall...

Social: This can range from ‘ i am constantly thinking i did something wrong so i have to ask for reassurance that we are still friends’ to completely unrealistic worries. Maybe its an intrusive thought that ‘ your voice is annoying them’ . There’s reassurance seeking, internal and external checking.

 It makes friendships extremely difficult and exhausting. You’re not trying to get to know someone with an annoying frat boy egging on anxiety in your brain. This can also manifest as having strict rules for yourself and ethical codes. 

My therapist likes to say she could give us (folks with OCD) a pile of hundred dollar bills and come back and they’d all be returned. Because OCD makes you so strict and morally confined. Which ISNT fun. Like I dont get pleasure over having to memorize the entire Code of Conduct!

Social Media: Its the bane of human existence some days and a lifeline the next. But what if everytime your follower count was an odd/even number it sent you into a panic attack. What if you spent all your time with intrusive thoughts that somehow someone misinterpreted a post or that someone is going to be harmed by a post you made about tapirs. 

You may be forced to block people to get your number down or keep pornbots on your blog to keep your number what you like (see there is a use for them! We sacrifice those before actual users!) You may be refreshing your page every second because ‘what if you miss a message’. It's going to look a lot like ‘check check check check reassure yourself double check your posts check check check reassure check check FALSE MEMORY check your post etc’

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Clothing/Body Image: When its not Body Dysmorphia it can be OCD. Sometimes this looks like I obsess about a body part and therefore I choose my clothes/hairstyles to hide those.  Some personal examples: as a kid I was sure that mind readers exist ( THIS IS AN OCD THING TOO I was so relieved to find that out) and that if i didnt wear  a particular hat they would see all these horrible thoughts and it would be revealed what an awful person I was. So I wore the same dumb ass bucket hat for a year (or more I cannot remember but it was a long ass time).

I was once so fixated on being given a compliment on my eye color that I wore sunglasses (even at night) to a summer camp. And if any of those teen girls in that cabin that stood up and mocked me in a crowded lunch hall by singing ‘i wear my sunglasses at night’ you all owe me 40$.

Even younger still I had intrusive thoughts. Like say, if anyone noticed I was female that i would be kidnapped so I chopped my hair very short. I altered my appearance to be very androgynous and even switched to walking more masculine. Because omg if your hips move someones going to kill you thats just how it works. ( It doesnt help I later figured out I was a lesbian)

Your wardrobe may be impacted by OCD and yes so can your body image.

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Also yes the fear of mind readers is also a thing; i always thought I was somehow faking OCD because yes that is also a…..

Faking: Do you value telling the truth? Do you detest lying ? Boy Howdy do I have some news for you. OCD is going to try and convince you that YOU LIED. Whether it was on a chastity pledge to get a free sandwich or in a conversation you just HAD. This links a lot with false memory OCD.

Another aspect is OCD makes us doubt we have OCD and tries to convince us we have any other diagnosis under the sun and we are obviously faking our OCD.

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Sexual Orientation OCD; It is as it is called. Sexual Orientation OCD is what happens when your brain goes ‘hold on what if you’re not this orientation what if you are THAT’. It doesn’t matter where on the LGBT umbrella you fall you will have OCD trying to convince you otherwise. From compulsive staring at members of the same/opposite gender to compulsively reassuring or checking with yourself to ensure that ‘ no no you are in fact THIS orientation.’ 

This can range in behavior from binge watching porn, staring compulsively to check that there is OR is NOT attraction,self checking past experiences and memories, analyzing your clothing and your lifestyle in painful and intricate methods.

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False Memory OCD; False memory OCD is basically your brain sitting you in a noir interrogation room, handcuffing you to a chair grilling you. It demands that you did *insert bad thing here*. This can range from anything from something Harm based to pretty much *anything* from other OCD subtypes. Which is quite delightful really.

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Sensorimotor OCD; Sensorimotor OCD is obsessive body responses. These can be ‘ I have to cough really hard and really feel it right in my chest and if I can’t get it right I have to cough until I do’. This can be counting your heartbeats. Trying to check yourself that you in fact have a heart and checking and reassuring that it is still beating. It can be hyper-awareness of swallowing or even swallowing repeatedly. It is anything with selective attention; ie its an automated process but your OCD is forcing you to be aware of it.

Your OCD makes you aware of the sensation of, say, breathing, and then it convinces you that if you stop paying attention to it you will stop breathing. So now you’re horribly aware and focused solely on breathing and breathing alone. It keeps me up most nights with the pounding anxiety fueled by the pressure of ‘if you stop focusing on breathing you will stop breathing completely’ or waiting to feel that last heartbeat in your chest. 

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Existential OCD; You ever feel existential ? Existential OCD is like having a very aggressive existential crisis that turns you into NEEDING answers IMMEDIATELY. This can look anything from hours panic scrolling the net to panic inducing anxiety because you don't know what happens after death. The thoughts are like foghorns on a misty sea.

This sounds basic and the only example i can give is as a teeny tiny 7 year old I had a panic attack in bed screaming that ‘ what if im a dinosaur and im asleep and i wake up and my whole family is GONE’.

To be fair I did like dinosaurs a lot.

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Harm OCD; This is pretty self explanatory but I will give more details. Harm OCD is OCD demanding that you will/could/can/may have/might harmed yourself/others/any living creature and that you alone are responsible. 

This means anything from getting anxious driving over crosswalks because ‘what if you dont see one and hit someone and its all your fault and you hit someone go back and make sure you havent hit anyone’ to ‘im holding a knife so im going to accidentally stab someone’ to ‘ i didnt see my cat this morning and now im at work and think she must be dead and i am responsible for her demise.’

 It can be as simple as ‘if i use a pencil i will stab myself in the eye’ or as complex as ‘ i may accidentally say a slur’/ ‘ i am going to say this horrible thing out loud if i cannot control myself.’ It can also be images of terror or racist/sexist/ableist jokes in your mind that repeat like a broken record.

(Please note from section 1 that this is extremely anxiety provoking and not something you would do. OCD preys on what we respect the most.)

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pOCD; Tumblr listen the fuck up because I am tired of seeing people get called shit on this website for having this mental illness. People who experience pOCD are not pedophiles, they do not get any pleasure or benefit. The thoughts and images are meant to induce harm to the person experiencing them. Children are normally the trigger for this and the resulting images can be very graphic. Again you aren’t attracted to children- thoughts of them getting harmed hurt you so your OCD makes you see them.

Know this so you can advocate for folks with pOCD in real life. Remember we are here. We are suffering and we are terrified of your children.

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Poisoning others/or in your food; Life isn’t medieval anymore but sometimes OCD demands we have a food taster or that we obsessively worry that we may kill someone with our cooking. Personally I struggle with colorblindness so I am constantly fretful over cooking any sort of meat so it’s difficult for me to cook it.

 However this also comes as; obsessive horrible thoughts of your cooking kill someone or that you have somehow/accidentally poisoned someone’s food (even if you haven’t touched it or been within a foot of it ) or that someone has poisoned YOUR food even if no one has touched it except you. You’re going to be picking apart your food or unable to eat out at all.

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Emotional Contamination: It’s similar to magical thinking and this terrifying prospect of mind readers. Emotional contamination can manifest as anything from intense worry over somehow gaining someone else’s negative personality traits.

 Or that somehow by interacting with any role of someone horrible will make YOU somehow also responsible for the horribleness.  There is usually a person or a type of person that is a trigger, but it can also be location based.

 This is one subtype where magical thinking and superstition are apparent.  

For instance; as a teen if a male was in my space or had physical contact;like shaking hands,giving a high five, being in my room etc. I would have to go around and physically touch all the objects that I perceive they may have also touched as a way to cancel out their presence. 

This includes wiping off myself to negate even the touch of family members. It really hurts peoples feelings, my father was especially hurt by this.

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Physical Contamination: This goes beyond physical dirt and grime. Most of us dont have spotless homes because if you’re having a fist fight with your brain everyday cleaning falls by the wayside just like it would for anyone else. Physical contamination holds 2 things: physical contamination obsessions AND compulsive cleaning behaviors/rituals. We believe that a small amount of a contaminate can cover large surfaces.

 Oh, and did I mention its not JUST dirt/germs/viruses. The list is expansive but heres a mixed bag of what they can be: sticky substances,dead animals,glitter (FUCKING GLITTER),negative words or language,colors, numbers, surfaces in general, food, people, and activities.  There is also a hyper responsibility to protect yourself and others from ‘contamination’.

Strangely there is a magical separation between the contaminated world and the ‘clean’ one. Spaces designated as clean would be a bedroom/bathroom/workspace where you are most active. That space is where the compulsions and intrusive thoughts occur. Its not I MUST CLEAN EVERYTHING ALL THE TIME. Otherwise I would be working cleaning houses because why the hell not amiright?

A real world example from a colleague would be a young man with physical contamination OCD is struck with such intrusive thoughts about cleaning that they refuse to allow anyone in their room or any animals in their home. But they are not able to even flush the toilet, take out the trash, wash dishes, or do garbage because of their intrusive thoughts.

The most famous would be compulsive hand washing but I feel it is important to also note OTHER aspects of physical contamination because everyone sees the hand scrubbing stereotype. 

Other compulsions include intricate rituals, not touching the floor (i played X-treme the floor is lava during college. I couldnt let my feet touch the floor because it was ‘dirty’),excessive showering (2-8+ hour showers guys, 8 hour showers. Thats what we’re talking about.)

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Relationship OCD: This comes as no surprise that yes you will have intrusive thoughts that you are somehow harming/ will harm/ may accidentally harm your significant other. Whether that be by physical or emotional means. It can look like ‘ I may have lied to her about how much I love her’, ‘ i may not actually love her and I may be leading her on’, and ‘ I must be corrupting her’. These can extend to certain physical activities with false memory OCD as a cherry on top. A great finishing garnish to leave you feeling absolutely dismayed and unable to trust your own perception.

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Scrupulosity: Religion! Whatever that may be! Its a thing with OCD.  With Scrupulosity obsessive thoughts run all over the board from; you committed a sin and forgot about it you monster to having to pray continuously/ a certain time/ until its right. What is right?Ask OCD that’s the only person who knows. 

We are fairly certain my grandfather had OCD because he went to church for every single Catholic Mass. Every single day. Every. Single. Day.  That’s not a healthy amount of attendance(I'm calling you out posthumously because I care Robert!). This can also look like: praying a certain amount of times. Praying until you do it ‘right’. Confessing every single potential sin. Cataloguing and dwelling over ‘sinful’ things. 

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Symmetry or Just Right OCD: Symmetry OCD is the runner up for ‘most likely recognized on tv shows’ award.

Symmetry OCD convinces you that if *insert thing here* isnt symmetrical or ‘just right’ (a magical position or number of objects that makes 0 logical sense) that something bad will happen.

This can range from the known; rearranging things. But it also looks like buying more objects until you reach the right amount and even throwing out objects if theres ‘too many’.

It can range from ‘the walls are percievably not straight so now i avoid that room at all costs otherwise i will be trapped traveling the edges of the wall with my eyes otherwise it will fall in and murder us ALL.’ to ‘ this historical bust is one inch off to the left and now all i see is visions of it breaking against the ground.’

So that is what I have time for. 9 pages on subtypes and basic information. If you find yourself wanting me information all of this is easily accessible online. So go, be free and dont ever compare people to Monk again. Write Batman and Scott Summers with OCD. Give us ACTUAL representation and not throw away joke lines. We are here. Our suffering isnt funny. We deserve representation too.

[bbugyu]

:o i dont really know much about mbti types but u seem really knowlegable >.< what about dk's mbti??

oh my god the way i got a boner from being called knowledgeable OK LETS GO I LOVE SEOKMIN SO MUCH

seokmin is an infp, which is the mediator. i actually float between this personality type and infj (the advocate, which is also what wonwoo jihoon and minghao are), so seokmin and i are very similar in a lot of ways - our differences come from our zodiac signs i think ㅠㅠ; infps are actually really rare! yet seventeen has four KDJFSK they value harmony and authenticity and they always have the best intentions - which!!! IS SO SEOKMIN!!!! he will always see the best in people and always act with the best intentions! he is kind to a fault! what a sweet baby.

ok, here’s the breakdown. under the cut. tw seokmin best boy

seokmin is so shy. he doesn’t seem it, because when he’s with svt he goes BUCK FUCKING WILD but in reality he clams up around people he’s not super comfortable around. example: that one picture of him standing with yuju from gfriend where he looks like he’s gonna shit himself kJHFJS or when he was filming his solo parts for the mama performance and he kept saying how nervous he was without the members. he’s super reserved around people he hasn’t known for forever. he even tends to be quiet on variety shows, only really doing his fun comedy bits and talking when other members prompt him (which is almost always jeonghan or seungkwan don’t get me started). infjs (like isfjs) tend to keep a very small group of friends that they are very open and seemingly extroverted with, which is why we get to see seokmin’s genuine personality a lot. he is so fully himself when he is with seventeen and i think that is so beautiful. that being said, infps also are the most social introverts. he makes friends everywhere, and genuinely cares about all of them. his excallibur castmates have said that he was such a bright loving personality on stage and behind the scenes, and he would always visit and support them even after they stopped working together! he went to plays they starred in and posted pictures with them, telling carats to go support them too. you can tell they really appreciated this, because they would return the favor and go to seventeen concerts to cheer him on!

seokmin’s intuition is no joke. he seems a little naive at times, but he is also extremely good at looking at the big picture of a situation and deciding what needs to be done, ie. when they were leaving the venue during ttt he was seemingly the only one that remembered they left a giant mess in the kitchen. that being said, infps skip over details a lot. he also is SO FUNNY like he is genuinely the FUNNIEST MEMBER in my opinion because he just understands every situation so clearly. he’s able to take something a little mundane or whatever and comment on it or react in a way that’s REALLY FUNNY like when they were driving home from ttt and mingyu said he could buy the walnut sweets JFDSKJDSF mingyu wasn’t expecting him to say yes bc they’re such a common treat and seokmin laughed at first but hten immeidately was like “oh actually yes order them” and gyu was like ??? but seokmin kept just saying “stop talking to me order the walnut sweets pls” GODD THEY’RE SO FUNNY i literally cry laugh at shit seokmin does like i don’t know how he does it he’s the funniest motherfucker i’ve ever seen.

he seems like the most understanding member of svt to me. the others are too, ofc, but seokmin’s on another level. infps also feel very deeply and genuinely. as an intuitive personality type, he is immensely empathetic, but not in the same way that jeonghan is. seokmin feels other peoples’ emotions like they’re his own. he sympathizes fully and completely, and i think he tries really hard to internalize that as to not seem so emotional all the time, but as soon as the facade cracks he starts cRYINGGG like he’s a BABY he can’t help it he just FEELS SO MUCHhhh. idk if anyone else notices this but he always repeats what is being said? i find this to be related because he is actively listening, and his way of showing is affirming with short responses every few sentences. he seems like such a good person to go to when you’re struggling and want someone to comiserate with. seungkwan is someone you go to when you need advice, but seokmin is the one you go to when you want to vent, because he’ll immediately match how you’re feeling about the situation and empathize with you.

i think seokmin also tends to take things personally? i think he’s gotten better about this in recent years and instead uses it as a joke, but you can tell it still bothers him sometimes ㅠㅠ like, okay, so seokmin posted that picture for seungkwan’s birthday and said something along the lines of “do you remember when we went out to have fun and fought? sorry i couldn’t be better” etc so in boo’s birthday live he explained the situation because it was resolved nicely. he said that the two of them went kayaking with jeonghan (which, btw, booseokhan are literally married and i am the most spoiled carat ever) and got in a little disagreement about something menial, and seungkwan thought it was resolved quickly, but afterwards jeonghan was driving them and seokmin put on a song and boo was like “oh what kind of song is this?” as a joke, but seokmin took it personally and got sulky. but then him and jeonghan danced to anysong and honestly who can blame them. it seems like every time he gets in a fight with other members, he thinks about how he doesn’t want it to tear them apart, so no matter how mad he is, he tries to find a way to resolve it. like with the gray bag incident JDHFKJHF he said that he thought if he didn’t pick up the bag, mingyu might hit him. he was mad and thought he was in the right, but he didn’t want the argument to escalate, so he did something he didn’t want to end it where it was. also, when jeonghan went live during seokmin’s live, saying “those who want to watch dokyeom watch him, those who want to watch this watch this,” and seokmin got all sulky about carats saying they wanted to see what jeonghan was up to. he laughed and said he was kidding, but then he was like “i’m not fun anyways.” whiCH leads us to...

infps have chronic inferiority complexes, but they aren’t envious people, so it manifests in just being immensely self critical. seokmin genuinely believes he isn’t handsome. or a good singer. like. what the fuck is that all about. i get genuinely angry when i think about this. i could talk about how fucking WRONG he is but this is just supposed to be a personality analysis so i’ll just mention that i talked about why i think he’s the perfect man alive in another ask! check that out if you want JKFHKSDF he always has negative things to say about himself but only positives to say about others. which makes me wanna fight. he also is maybe too idealistic??? like i said before, he will always see the best in other people, and it leads the rest of the members to genuinely worry about him. they’re worried that if they’re not there to take care of him, he’ll end up getting taken advantage of by someone. they don’t want him to get scammed ㅠㅠ

some other aspects of infp personalities that i think suit seokmin well but i’m literally braindead and cannot write more of this: open minded, passionate, determined, and loyal.

i would marry seokmin in an instant.