#this is more me affirming myself than trying to make a funny tumblr post

[scoutisnthome]

No I'm NOT working out to lose weight. I'm working out to build muscle. I'm gonna be strong AND well fed. Never let them peer pressure you into losing weight that's the devil talking.

[thegodwithin]

hi! im kind of new to law of assumption and old to law of attraction. law of assumption is not a hard concept but im a bit confused. i find myself reacting to the 3D too much and like i find it hard to persist? what do i do to make persisting easier? i think it’s because i don’t know much about what im getting into?? all i know is affirm and persist and etc. i hear things like time is an illusion, the 3D is an illusion, circumstances don’t matter, we are all gods of our reality. but WHERES the proof?? i can’t blindly follow people’s success stories because im not them and if we are truly the gods of our realities, doesn’t that mean someone else can manifest failure in mine? like i want to use law of assumption and i want to believe to get what I want fast and easily BUT i want to know how it works and that im not following a delusion to make myself feel better and in the end, I am just left with disappointment and failed attempts at manifesting that left me with the consequences of my actions. ive been in the community for almost 2 years and i don’t think ive ever gotten results. i am not usually agitated but it’s exhausting. i affirm and persist and nothing shows up and im worried im doing it all wrong so i ask and now I’m even affirming wrong?? I know manifestation is supposed to be easy and not feel like a chore but how can it not when everything I desire is of so much importance to me. I can even dm you, just please help me so I can actually manifest what I want. I’ve done self concept but I keep breaking. I don’t even know what affirmations to use to combat my limiting beliefs. Tbh I’m tired. I feel like if someone explained to me how this works and how to do it with no mistakes and how to keep faith in the unseen, I could actually get what I want. I keep failing and failing because I affirm and persist but I affirm wrong or I have a limiting belief that hasn’t been uncovered yet. I’m so exhausted and I just want to get what I want. I just feel like if someone told me how it works and exactly what to do, I wouldn’t be so confused and find it hard to persist.

Hey, so I just want to say that I really understand you. It’s funny how as I read your ask for the first time it really stood out to me how it was reflecting my current state at that moment so thank you for sending it. I will try my best to answer your questions but I'm still figuring this stuff out myself so I'm also just going to recommend some material that should help. I’ll put all the links at the end of the reply.

I have broken up your ask into several different topics and I’ll be addressing each one separately so please bear with me here.

This is the longest reply I've ever written so the rest is under the cut

law of assumption is not a hard concept but im a bit confused.

i think it’s because i don’t know much about what im getting into?? all i know is affirm and persist and etc.

I just feel like if someone told me how it works and exactly what to do, I wouldn’t be so confused and find it hard to persist.

The first and most important thing I want to say to you is that you should really learn from the source material, which as far as I’m concerned here is Neville Goddard. I know there are other teachers like him but he’s the main source most blogs and youtubers make their content from. And frankly a lot of posts on tumblr seem to really simplify and reduce things to the point where you get to this idea that it’s all just affirming and persisting which I really can’t agree with. That’s a conclusion one can reach after learning this stuff, processing it, experimenting with it and realizing what works best for them. But there are certainly other factors involved in the process, whether the person was aware of them or not. This also goes for youtubers and coaches in general. All these people are speaking based on their own experiences with the law. Through the lenses of their own beliefs, limitations, etc. So it’s only natural that they will sound different from each other and their message and style might not resonate with every person in the same way. Which is why you’re not supposed to just accept everything you hear or read at face value. Apply it, experiment with it and make your own conclusions.

like i want to use law of assumption and i want to believe to get what I want fast and easily BUT i want to know how it works and that im not following a delusion to make myself feel better and in the end, I am just left with disappointment and failed attempts at manifesting that left me with the consequences of my actions. ive been in the community for almost 2 years and i don’t think ive ever gotten results.

Most of us come into contact with the law from a negative situation and looking for a quick fix, and what we end up finding is a whole lot more than we ever bargained for. These teachings challenge everything we have ever known and accepted as absolute unchangeable truths in the world. And we are also dared to accept the responsibility that we were the cause of our entire lives?! It’s a lot to take in. You can’t be one foot in and one foot out. You’re trying to manifest something but you’re not seeing results. If you’re looking for results then you weren’t truly committed to living in the end and you haven’t really changed. You must notice the change within first, before the outside world can reflect that. You just give yourself what you want in your mind, and you keep doing it, day in and day out, with complete disregard for what your outer senses are telling you, until it hardens into a fact.

i find myself reacting to the 3D too much and like i find it hard to persist? what do i do to make persisting easier?

Battling with the 3d can certainly be painful and it just turns into a vicious cycle, because the more attention you pay to something, the more it gets perpetuated in your reality and in your experiences. I’ll be honest with you, sometimes I struggle with this as well. If anything, at least remember to prioritize your feelings at every given moment. If you notice that you’re feeling bad / reacting negatively to the 3d, stop and ask yourself: what do I want? or what do I want to feel?

Usually when I do that my mind automatically shows me the answer and then if I can enter the reality (within me, in my mind with my thoughts and feelings) where those things are true, suddenly that circumstance I was just reacting to doesn’t matter anymore. Because I feel fulfilled within now.

Just start allowing yourself to have what you want, no matter what. Practice putting yourself first, before anything else, before the circumstances around you, before what others might say or do. Even if the 3d looks bad right now, you deserve to feel what you want, you don’t have to keep putting yourself down because you haven’t seen an outside change yet. And the truth is that you won’t see a change if you keep watching the 3d and taking score from it. Because it can only change after you do. Because it’s a reflection of you. Allow yourself to feel that relief and satisfaction, in your imagination, everyday. Make it a habit and little by little you will have changed your mindset, entering a new reality.

Everything in your 3d world is an illusion in the sense that it’s not the truth. And this is because everything that you experience with your senses, in your 3d world is a direct reflection of you. You are everything, and you are everywhere you go and every person you meet. You can only ever experience yourself, nothing else. Nothing exists outside of you. Everything begins and ends with you.

and if we are truly the gods of our realities, doesn’t that mean someone else can manifest failure in mine?

You are God of your own reality. There’s only you in your reality. Nothing else and no one else. So everything and everyone that shows up is under your influence. IN YOUR REALITY. You can’t really access other people’s realities or inner worlds, and likewise they can’t reach yours. Even what you perceive as things outside of you pertaining to other people’s lives and experiences are still coming in through your own lenses, of the concept you have of that person, of the expectations and beliefs you have about them. This is why you shouldn’t bother with anything but yourself. Because it’s a waste of energy. Because everything you will ever perceive will come through you first. You can’t experience anything but yourself, your beliefs and your expectations. If you believe others can influence your reality then you are living from fear and you are giving your power away.

i hear things like time is an illusion, the 3D is an illusion, circumstances don’t matter, we are all gods of our reality. but WHERES the proof??

Instead of trying to manifest things in order to “see proof”, just let things happen and watch yourself during the process. Start really paying attention to what you’re thinking and feeling on a daily basis. Notice that your thoughts and reactions come from a certain state of being. Notice how people act in ways that you expect them to, because “that’s just how they are”.No, it’s because that’s the concept you hold of them in your reality, and they treat you according to the concept you hold of yourself. By doing this you will start to realize the connection between what has shown up in your life so far, and the person you were identifying with within. And when I say identifying with, I don’t mean something like an affirmation such as “I’m confident”. Your identification and basically your self concept comes from your perspective, the way you see things, the way you react to things and the way you act, the thoughts you have and what you accept as true. Those will show you who you really are.

i can’t blindly follow people’s success stories because im not them

The thing with success stories is that as much as they can be motivational, the process and the factors are always the same. They succeeded because they managed to change their mindset, they entered a new reality (within), they changed their dwelling place (the state of being they return to the most) and their outer reality simply reflected that change. Their circumstances are irrelevant and the only thing setting them apart is the techniques they used and how long it took for them to actually shift their mindset and accept the new reality they wanted. Techniques are not really that relevant because they only serve to aid you into moving states. So at this point it’s really just about what works best for you.

i affirm and persist and nothing shows up and im worried im doing it all wrong so i ask and now I’m even affirming wrong??

There’s no such thing as affirming wrong. And please take affirming off the pedestal. It’s just a technique and you don’t need to use it if it’s troubling you. Affirmations are just thoughts you would be having if you were living in the end. So their purpose is only to help make you feel like you are living in the wish fulfilled. There’s no point in affirming all day long if you keep feeling like you’re in the same old shitty reality. Again it’s the same thing I’ve been saying before. You can’t affirm for two opposite things at the same time and get the result you want. Use affirmations as much as you like but watch yourself for the rest of the time.

The reason this isn’t a trying process is because you’re not attempting to do anything to get something. You are simply being in a different way. You are changing your mind, changing your thoughts, choosing better feelings. This is a lifestyle change. If you accept the law, your entire perception changes. Nothing is ever the same as it used to be. This can be a hard pill to swallow but at some point you gotta be honest with yourself. There is no trying. There is only doing and there is only being.

i am not usually agitated but it’s exhausting.

I’m so exhausted and I just want to get what I want

You’re exhausted because you keep going back and forth between what you want and what has shown up. You need to pick one side and stick to it. You need to dive so deep into the feeling of what you want to the point where thinking the opposite feels unnatural. I know you don’t wanna hear this but thinking you’re doing something wrong really is also getting in your way. Think about it this way: you’re in the end goal, you’re there, it’s done, you got it. Would you be thinking about ANY of this stuff if that was the case? Would you be doubting and having all these fears and looking around everyday to make sure it’s still there? We both know you wouldn’t.

You just can’t have it and wonder where it is at the same time. You have to stick to the end goal and reject anything that contradicts that.

I know manifestation is supposed to be easy and not feel like a chore but how can it not when everything I desire is of so much importance to me

People say manifesting is easy and fun because you’re just supposed to satisfy yourself within by giving yourself what you want. If it feels like a chore then you're not giving yourself what you really want. You are focusing on what you think you should be doing and you are also keeping yourself hostage to your unwanted circumstances. If your desires are so important to you then stop putting conditions on them, stop looking for excuses to deny yourself of them. Get drunk in the feeling and the knowing of their fulfilment. Let go of all the doubts and fears, turn your back on your senses telling you it’s not here yet. Be stubborn and stop taking no for an answer.

You’re coming from a place of: I have all these unwanted circumstances and I want to have xyz instead, but no matter what I do, things aren't changing.

If you had xyz by now, would you still be repeating the unwanted circumstances in your head? Would you be thinking about them? Would you be reacting to them? Would you be identifying with this version of yourself that can’t get what you want?

No! You would be living your life, doing the things you enjoy, your duties and responsibilities, resting in the knowledge that you got that desire. It’s a reality now. It’s part of your life. You’d be living from that perspective.

You're keeping the unwanted stuff in place by reaffirming them, by looking at it everyday and going “yep, still here!”, you’re still accepting it as true for you. You can’t keep your attention on something without getting more of it. You need to die to the unwanted reality. Never to be seen again.

I’ve done self concept but I keep breaking.

Self concept is not a technique that you do once a day. Self concept is who you are. It’s how you behave and what you think all the time, every day, all day. It's what you believe and accept as true for you in all aspects. I think this community has been breaking up the law into bits and pieces, as if there are all these separate factors and steps you need to take, and it’s done more damage than good because it’s actually literally all the same thing, it’s all connected. Once you change through the means of one aspect, the other aspects change automatically. Self concept, mental diet, states, it’s all connected, they all lead to the same destination, you. Neville uses these terms interchangeably, to get his point across in the best way he sees fit at that moment, but he’s always talking about the same thing. So bottomline is that if you “keep breaking”, then you’re still in the process of change, you’re going from one state to the other, from unwanted to wanted. Back and forth. You’re still falling for the illusion of the 3d world and you’re still feeling the pull of your old story. You need to take a stand and decide that enough is enough. No longer accept what you don’t want. You’re the only one making the choice here. No one is forcing you to stay in the unwanted mindset but your own habits and comfort zone.

I don’t even know what affirmations to use to combat my limiting beliefs. Tbh I’m tired. I keep failing and failing because I affirm and persist but I affirm wrong or I have a limiting belief that hasn’t been uncovered yet.

Look, there’s nothing to combat here. There’s no war going on. It’s all just you. You don’t have any blocks or limiting beliefs you need to overpower. This isn’t a good perspective to hold. You ARE the power. I fought these types of statements for a long time but I can understand it now. You need to stop focusing on limiting beliefs or blocks. Stop thinking AND believing that you have problems that are getting in your way and that you need to overcome them. By holding this perspective, you’re only going to create more problems to overcome. Remember what I’ve been saying that you’re in the end now? Are there any blocks in the end? When the wish is fulfilled? I don’t think so and neither do you! I want you to take the challenge to declare to yourself that you no longer have any limitations. It’s all gone! You’re free now! I want you to wake up everyday and before you get out of bed, you remind yourself that hey, all that stuff is gone now! Nothing to worry about anymore! How good is that?!

I feel like if someone explained to me how this works and how to do it with no mistakes and how to keep faith in the unseen, I could actually get what I want.

You keep the faith in the unseen by believing and trusting in yourself. If you accept that you can do anything, that you deserve what you want, that you are the operant power and that everything is coming FROM you, then you know all you need is yourself. Idk it truly is a leap of faith, you need to make a choice. Do you want to live by what is outside of you, or by what’s within you? If you accept the law as true, then you have no choice but to start living by what’s within you. If you’re still sitting there thinking that your world is ruled by the circumstances outside of you then you don’t believe a tiny bit in any of this stuff. You’re truly wasting your time if you hold that perspective in place.

Okay I hope this whole essay I spent hours on helps! Now let’s get you those recs!

You can read most if not all of Neville's work for free here: https://realneville.com/

These are my current favorite Neville Based Teachers:

I am Love / Feeling Twisty (he's also on apple podcasts and spotify I believe)

Here's my own personal playlist of Neville based videos on youtube

There's a LOT of good stuff on reddit tbh, here's pretty much everything I have saved from there:

(ps.: it's good to check the comments on reddit posts because there's usually discussions happening and you can find some good pointers)

EdwardArtSupplyHands Series / Quote

ALLISMIND:

Feelings are your power

How thoughts and beliefs become reality

Overthinking

Superman's way of life

Thinking positive

Living from the Law

There's no reality

You don't believe in the Law

Nothing will change your mind

(ps.: he has A LOT of content, these are just the few I looked into)

Other posts:

Change your mind

It's Real. Success Story

Decide what you want

Self concept and personality

Self concept and self love

Letting go of control

Don't rationalize it

The state of the wish fulfilled

Checkmate 3D

Planting the seeds

Don't react

Faith and Knowledge

Slacker Manifesting

Persistence assumption

Don't complicate it

All you need is reassurance

Brazen Impudence

Manifesting is easy

Practical guide

Why circumstances don't matter

Commit to your desire

Ignore the Outside

Clarifying the Law for beginners

(ps.: These aren't 100% accurate tittles, just based on the actual tittles)

[dreamylyfe-x]

would love to get your feedback on them in the ep, cuz you analyze things really well imo. but wow this ep was just so on the nose homophobic to me. a lot of fans are saying it was funny or entertaining or whatever but i don't see it that way at all cuz homophobia (especially when straight writers put it in the mouths of gay characters to try and get away with it) isn't acceptable imo. i mean i found it offensive tbh, cuz the whole "who's the man" is the oldest homophobic rhetoric in the book?

Hey! Thank you, anon. I will admit, I’m still wrapping my mind around it and I’ll probably post a more comprehensive reaction later on... but he’s where I am at right now. 

A quick word about how I watch this show -- I’m in Canada, and our proveyor of Shameless doesn’t let us watch it until 9:00 on Sunday, so my practice is usually to check out what people are saying on Tumblr and then watch it Through Methods the next morning over breakfast. And today’s episode was fascinating because the tide changed! I went to bed and the mood was a little “???” and “I liked that!” and then woke up to “WHY GOD WHY?” 

Anyway. I lightly spoil myself on the episodes and this almost always results in me being prepared for the worst. (And I was already concerned about 11x03 for exactly the reason stated.) Usually, I find the episode to be better than I expected it to be. Which I think is the case here, because I thought this episode had a lot to recommend it. Just... most of that was the FRANK story. 🧐

I fully agree that the “who is the man” business is not just homophobic but profoundly sexist. The question is -- is the show commenting on homophobia (a little, I think) and sexism (mostly this) or is it BEING homophobic and sexist. 

Here is where I must mention that the gentleman who wrote this episode, Philip Buiser, is a gay man who is also in a decade-long relationship. In terms of final product and your experience as viewer is neither here nor there, because if it bugs you, it bugs you. He's not the show runner and who knows if he pitched the story or just did what he could with it once he was assigned to the episode. 

I think the people who find it entertaining and funny probably see it as very much in the camp of “commenting on homophobia and sexism” rather than BEING homophobic and sexist -- I don’t think that’s a bad read at all. Given the conversation Ian has at the warehouse, and V’s excellent takedown later on, I think this is the intension. PARTICULARLY, I think the show wants us to listen to V. But I’m still watching Ian and Mickey fight all episode long (which I don't care for) with minimal resolution (which I really don't care for) about which one of them is “the girl” and therefore inferior (which I suuuuuper don’t care for.) Because the thing is, sometimes a show is commenting on something, and you can both agree that the thing is bad, but you might still not enjoy watching characters you love hold opinions that upset you. And that’s valid, too. 

To be honest, the most LGBTQ+ problematic thing in the episode for me was having Franny put scare quotes around “they”. 

My biggest issue with this episode, really, isn’t that Mickey -- who grew up steeped in homophobia -- and Ian are fighting about this, but it’s that they’re fighting about this NOW. Like, I get that you never told this story before Shameless, but Ian has been gay his whole life. He’s had plenty of time to consider this question for himself -- and to discard it as nonsense. He’s also dated a trans man. Spent a year a Gay Jesus. Even in this episode, he’s saying things like “gender’s a social construct” and then also getting triggered by the idea of being someone’s bitch and just... It was messy. I mostly feel about this episode as I did about 11x02 -- There’s a LOT going on here, it feels like a whole bunch of machine gun fire of issues, and then we don’t really know where it left off. The resolution is basically “Mickey looks like he feels bad and then later they have gender-affirming sex.” 

It would not surprise me if something got a little lost on the way to the final script. MOST of this script works for me, in terms of the show as a whole. I think this problem is restricted to the Gallavich story. There were definitely notes they wanted to hit here -- For Mickey and Ian it was Ian quitting his job, Mickey making a professional connection with Kev and V, and then settling this First Act issue that we can maybe refer to as “Marriage Is Hard.” 

I haven’t seen the preview for next week, [edit: oh, RIGHT. We’re off to January. But next epsiode.] but I’m expecting to see some Milkoviches, and Gallavich closing the ranks. We got what? Nine more episodes? I’m ready for a little overt sweetness after that one. 

[pinkysfaultorbrainsfault]

pinky and the brain: s1e7 - tv or not tv

y’all do NOT understand how many times i have tried to post this. tumblr just will not stop eating it. this was supposed to be out last wednesday LMAO i am doing my best.

episode summary: brain engineers a pair of Mouse Dentures that give him a charming smile. anyone hypnotised by these dentures Suddenly Adores Him For No Good Reason. unfortunately, he’s also a bit of a shut in, so nobody is actually going to see his charming smile-- unless he gets himself a sitcom.

....or something.

the rundown:

we open on brain talking about the “weird and magical power” of celebrity. he has defaced several women, and is sticking his ass out. as you do. what is he doing to CINDY! and her ilk?? he must be stopped.

“those who have it weild tremendous influence. few can avoid the enchantment of its’ spell.”

“do you know what gives them this power?”

holy shit. he just stabbed CINDY!.

pinky absolutely does not care for CINDY!’s fate. “haha. narf. hey, paddlefoot, do you know what they call a quarter pounder in france?”

of course, sirius black was not in pulp fiction, and neither, as far as i can tell, was he in france. brain silences him with “enough gay banter”, like he wasn’t just sticking his ass out in his general direction, like, two minutes ago.

(this was the 90s, y’all. gay definitely meant gay back then. this is not the faraway tree.)

“pinky! behold the key to the power of attraction!”

“pushpins!”

“hurraaaaaaaaaaaah!”

“no, pinky.”

apparently the key to attraction is a

“winning smile”, as brain points out, tapping on CINDY!’s poor mutilated face for emphasis.

“and a nice healthy gum!”

“and... a nice healthy gum.”

it turns out that brain has “taken this idea of the influential smile to a new level - a level no less than world domination“, which is bold words for Mr Tumble Dryer. to achieve this, he has invented

teeth.

(okay. so it’s a bit bigger than that. he shows pinky the plans for,

and then a prototype of, a whole machine built specifically to engineer him little mousie dentures. a lot of work went into this one. shame, really.

“when did you have time to build that?”

“while you were engrossed in your mr belvedere reruns.”

“oh, i miss him. ):” )

anyway so. brain puts his teeth in.

there he is.

pinky describes this as

“enchanting (’:”

and brain affirms that it’s supposed to be. apparently the “reflective vibrations” (okay) of his smile stimulates the medula oblongata,

“causing the viewer to adore me for no good reason!”

“zort! i’m adoring you for no good reason!”

(he does point out, while brain is admiring his reflection in a nearby bunsen burner, “what if they’re wearing sunglasses?”

brain’s response is “we’ll work nights.”)

still, brain can’t just sit around in the lab twiddling his thumbs and expect the general public to Adore Him For No Reason. he needs exposure! and as pinky ponders “what would mr belvedere do,” brain asserts that he would “eat some butter”.

“i’m afraid, my friend, that you’ve seen far too much of mr belvede--”

more like mr belvIDEA lol. sorry i’ll see myself out.

“pinky, are you pondering what i’m pondering?”

“i think so, brain, bur it’s a miracle that this one grew back. ):”

.....okay.

thankfully, the plan is not, in fact, to amputate pinky’s leg. again???? instead, brain intends to use a weapon of “great stealth, power, and corruption.”

OUR OWN SITCOM.

✨

meanwhile, at the wb studio, we meet jerry kilmer. mr kilmer is currently being harassed by some dudes who also really, really want their own sitcom. for far less nefarious purposes, presumably.

“so there’s this guy, right?”

“and get this! he designs--”

“BIKINIS.”

“TINY LITTLE BIKINIS. OKAY okay okay okay so here’s the hook.”

“HE’S PRETENDING--”

“TO BE BLIND.”

it does not appear to be what mr kilmer is looking for.

(meanwhile, the mice are spying on the acme labs janitor. he seems like a cool dude! but the mice are not here for friendship.

they sneak into his jacket pocket!

and...... steal his.... car keys? “YES. to the television station!”

✨

this isn’t even the first vehicle he’s stolen. hopefully he’ll have this one back by curfew as well.)

they do get pulled over by the police, but i don’t want to go into that. unless you guys reaaaallly want me to. instead, they park outside the studio and harass some poor receptionist.

“excuse me. we’re here to-- pitch. as they say. a sitcóm. my dear.”

i don’t know why brain says words like that.

“appointment?”

“oh, i’m sure you can--”

“work us in.” says brain. he is sticking his ass out for no reason. all the appeal is in his sparkly dentures, so.... there’s really no need for that, my dude.

✨

“you’re next! for no good reason!”

these dudes are still here. “wait!” yells our budding comedian, “wait! check out this idea. it’s about a guy!”

original.

“who always sticks his foot in his mouth!!”

clever. unfortunately, his demonstration goes wrong, and he ends up kicking mr kilmer in the face.

bonk.

gives him a nasty black eye to boot. ouch.

“ugh. can’t i ever just see someone normal?”

good thing these very normal individuals have just shown up, huh? nothing shady about these guys. “ugh, thank goodness,” says mr kilmer. they introduce themselves politely as jonathan michael charles (left) and jamal spelling (right).

“you guys have quite a look.”

“thank you.”

✨

“alright then. what do you got for me?”

“egad, brain.”

“he’s not adoring you for no good reason!!”

“drat.”

“well. we’re young hip adults--”

“and hijinks ensue!”

“who sit on a big fat couch and whine--”

“with disaaaasterous results!!”

“and have lots of generation x friends who trade zippy, sarcastic banter.”

“and i have a monkey.”

a very original concept.

at least, mr kilmer sems to think so. “hmmm. fresh. but tell me! what really brings you here. what are jamal and jonathan all about.”

“actually,  we are two lab mice involved in a broad and sweeping plan to take over the world.”

mr kilmer thinks this is hilarious, apparently.

these guys do not. but they’re not important, for the moment.

the long and short of it, anyway, is that kilmer can’t give them a sitcom because nobody knows who they are, quote unquote. “the day i see your face on the cover of peeple magazine is the day you get a sitcom.”

irritated, jamal and jonathan make their exit.

and mr kilmer laughs so hard at the idea of lab mice trying to take over the world, that he falls out of his chair.

this will become relevant later.

meanwhile -- i just had to screencap this, okay, because of brain’s face. pinky suggests that he get on the cover of peeple by marrying prince charles. and brain thinks this is a horrible idea.

he’s much more interested in princess diana. but no, pinky, the path he must follow is “the same one followed by the leading sitcom stars of the day.”

“i must become a SUCCESSFUL STANDUP COMEDIAN.”

“so hey, how about those mitochondria? do they have enough cilia or what?”

“hey, why don’t you tell a joke you know!”

this may be harder than brain thought. undeterred, though, he presses on.

“do you ever notice how when you’re looking in the mirror of a quadrant electrometre, your forehead seems large?? why is that??”

“i just flew in from cleveland! and boy are my upper extremeties fatigued by a buildup of lactic acid!”

“booooooooooooooo!” says our guy on the left.

“go back to your troll village, squirt!” says his friend on the right. “what do you say to that?”

“i find you repugnant.”

(well. that made them laugh, at least.)

“your stupidity is matched only by the ill-slipped caterpillar, that chews off its’ own wings after emerging from its’ cucoon!!!”

“in fact! all of you! are just a gaggle of pathetically misguided root diggers!!”

“why don’t you all stand under a stalactite and bellow the resonate frequency, causing it to plummet onto your cranium!!”

“you’re all repugnant i say!!! repugnant!!!”

and with that little mousie tantrum out of his system, brain trundles off to sulk.

pinky claps him on the way out.

“egad brain! narf! they love you!”

“yes.”

so then he goes on tv, i guess.

“our comedy challenger is the master of insults! the prince of putdowns! jamal spelling!”

“you’re all a bunch of crevulating nitwits with peat moss for a cortex. repugnant!”

i don’t envy that guy third from the right. he doesn’t look like he’s having a very good time. he’s sensitive about his peat moss cranium, okay? don’t make fun of him.

NEXT ON G, HOWIE TURN HOSTS COMEDIAN JAMAL SPELLING.

“so, uh, jamal spelling. what kind of stupid name is that? cmon? what’s your real name?”

this would be racist if jamal spelling was a human man comedian and not like, a lab mouse. thankfully, this is not the case.

“my real name is the brain.” says brain, helpfully enunciating the “the”. “and you, my unwashed friend, are repugnant.”

HA HA. HA HA HA HA HA.

“oh, you’re hot, baby.”

okay.

but we’re, uh. we’re not going to think about that, and we’re going to go look at the david letterman show instead.

“uh, my next guest-- paul, do you know who our next guest is?”

“daaaaave, i know he’s a beautiful kind of-- nutty cat who just got us all a-wow.”

“here he is, ladies and gentlemen! for your comedy dollar, jamal spelling!!”

jamal spelling appears to be naked.

but he’s funny, so nobody minds.

“somebody here smells like a coagulated agar slant growing in a petri dish. repugnant!”

see! he’s just too comedy for clothes.

(meanwhile, we take a short trip to the office of janet mekko. “welcome, mr kilmer,” she says.

“my... secretary sent me here-- actually, i feel kind of stupid.”

“oh, honey. that’s a good thing! if there weren’t any stupid people, i wouldn’t have any business.”

“now. ya got some paaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiiiin.”

(in the distance, dan reynolds - at the tender age of eight - mumbles “you made me a, you made me a believer” in his sleep.)

“yeah.” says mr kilmer, completely unaware of this. “i fell out of my chair.”

“i’m gonna hypnotise you, so relax.”

okay.

“this’ll make you sleepy.”

“what is it?”

“a kenny g album.”

“okay. you’re in a trance. i’m gonna give you a random word. if you feel pain, say that word, you’ll feel good.”

“but careful! cause if you say it when you’re feeling good, the pain will come back! bad.”

spooky.

“and your random word is--”

“repugnant.”

there is, of course, absolutely no way this can go wrong.)

let us turn our view to happier pastures. namely, the mice are watching tv.

TONIGHT ON CIRCUS OF THE STARS

HARRY DEAN ANDERSON GETS SHOT OUT OF A GIANT PASTA MAKER

COMEDIAN JAMAL SPELLING FLIES THE TRAPEZE

AND BOB SAGET GETS TRAMPLED BY A BEAR. we hope.

pinky is elated! “egad, brain! circus of the stars! narf! you’ve really made it!”

pinky wants to be on circus of the stars, don’t you know. unfortunately, as he dutifully informs brain in pretty much the same breath, he hasn’t quite made it into peeple magazine yet.

“hm. it’s time to use plan b, pinky.”

“there was an a?? poit.”

ouch. jesus, pinky.

undeterred, brain marches his merry little ass over to the old timey corded phone.

beep.

“yes, connect me with buckinham palace, please.”

“egad! you did it brain! the cover of peeple!”

rule britannia is playing in the background of this scene. let’s... not think too hard about how this works, and agree that, yes, pauly shore, enough.

no more pauly shore, please.

conclusion:

jerry keeps his word, and, upon learning that jamal spelling is now legally married to princess diana (a fact which would certainly not lead to a warrant for his arrest in a couple of years) he asks him for a demo tape.

for such small hands, jamal sure does have very neat handwriting.

“make me laugh, jamal, and you got yourself a sitcom.”

“why don’t you all stand under a stalactite and bellow the resonate frequency, causing it to plummet onto your cranium!!”

he seems to like it! kilmer makes a little hee hee noise, unprepared for where this is undoubtedly going.

“you’re repungnant!”

“AAUGHGHGHHH.”

there it is.

“repugnant!”

“i say repugnant!”

repugnant repugnant repugnant repugnant

repugnant!

and with that, jerry kilmer falls out of the window.

as he does, he yells “i’ll get you, jamal spelling” which personally i think is unfair. jamal couldn’t have known, surely? don’t be mean to jamal. he’s got a lot on his mind, what with that restraining order against howie turn.

meanwhile, in the lab, the mice debate a good pitch for a pilot (i’ve got it, brain! it’s a show about nothing!) when jamal spelling gets a call.

“hi jamal! this is nina from the tv station. could you come down for a meeting?”

“mm hmmm.”

✨

it’s the WB.

as nina types away, jamal and jonathan enter casually, like this is their house, or something. “are you pleased to see us?” asks jamal, in a cocky, egomaniac labmouse sort of way.”

“yes i am!”

(nina somehow doesn’t notice.)

anyway then these guys find the dentures and pitch the first idea that comes into their heads.

“hey cortex! what do you wanna do tonight?”

don’t ask why mouse dentures fit a human man. we suspend our disbelief here.

(also there was no way this was brain’s fault. he couldn’t have known. outside influence it is. a shame, really.)

brain: 7 pinky: 7 outside influence: 14

thanks for the fun meme, @shuunthenonbeliever​ !

[prinx-tam]

A Look Inside Me from A to Z

Brain as I scroll through Tumblr: Look at all these people in your fandom. They wouldn’t even notice if you disappeared.

Me: Yeah it’s not “mine” though? And at least a few would, eventually.

Brain: This fandom will go on without you.

Me: I sure hope so! I don’t want things I love to disappear just because I did.

Brain: But you’re a leader among the fans!

Me: Oh wow I literally run (1) discord server, a tumblr blog I repeatedly forget to update and an Instagram see previous point.

Brain: Hardly anyone ever interacts with you! Your headcanons and theories are ignored and your only popular post is a meme you don’t even like!

Me: Meh, I get tagged way more than I did last year. Not to mention I’m bad about answering asks when I do get them. I really rather like seeing other people’s theories and hcs more than folx seeing mine. And that Is This Lip Wrestling? post is funny, and I worked on that one as hard as any other post.

Brain: Can’t you see how little you matter no matter how much you do?

Me: I didn’t start a server, write a ton of fanfic, learn to make an Instagram filter, organize a fan week, organize a fanzine and start learning to draw to “matter more.” I give meaning to what I create, the creations don’t give meaning to me. And I matter. To at least a few other friends but also to myself. All that whining about clout and influence does is belittle what I have accomplished, embitter me towards future success (maybe even ruin it because it wouldn’t be success it would just be getting “what I deserve”), and poison my fun hobby by making it “work.”

Brain: This whole post is just you fishing for compliments and affirmations.

Me: Hey didn’t you say my posts get ignored? If no one sees it no one can compliment or affirm me. Jokes aside, I think it’s important to get out of my own head. Maybe someone does see it and relates to some part? Maybe something I said in response to my own self-flagellating brain helps someone else?

Brain: There you go again, trying to be seen as a good person while really making it about yourself.

Me: I am myself. This whole post is about my own experience. That doesn’t mean I’m “making it about me.” It started off about me, 😂 And I’m a good person.

Brain: You’re manipulative.

Me: It takes too much effort to be manipulative. And it’s a real ego trip to say that you can force others to do what you want them to. Any action one person takes for another is influenced by their emotions and experiences with that person. Just being aware of how one could influence another isn’t the same as actively choosing to try to steer someone else. Heck half the time I can’t even direct myself. I’m no evil genius, I’m just sort of vaguely aware of myself and other people. As we all are.

[technicolorfamiliar]

The Artist vs Social Media

I have been sharing my feelings about art and its ever-growing relationship to social media with a number of people recently. I wrote a bit about it here some months ago, but that was primarily focused on reactions to different types of art I was posting on different platforms. Without a doubt, it’s been something that’s given me pause for a while, and I have a suspicion I can’t be the only person that feels this way.

To be clear: this is not meant to be an attack on the people who enjoy and excel at being a creative on social media. It is purely an expression of my own frustration, a cry out to others who have struggled with the same issues, because I know I’m not alone.

First of all, my personal style just doesn’t compliment a successful social media presence, I’m such a fan of the long-format, in general. I don’t want anything in my life to be bite-sized, cropped, or condensed. I struggle to convey the concepts teeming in my heart in a limited number of characters and pixels. As I am evolving as an artist, I enjoy incorporating many layers of meaning, drawing on a multitude of sources for inspiration. Social media, for the most part, wants to condense, compartmentalize, limit. It’s short-format, lacks fluidity, and promotes shorter attention spans. It feels counterintuitive to the kind of art I love and the art I want to be making.

For as streamlined and easy as social media has made sharing artwork with the great big world out there, it’s also birthed a lot of additional anxiety and despair. At least that’s been my experience. Some people have taken to social media like ducks to water, they are thriving in an endless stream of posts and pictures and stories. But this particular artmaker finds the rise of social media more like an impossible mountain, and climbing it is a requirement.

I envy the artists and makers who have figured out how to hack social media in order to promote their work and their brand. These people make it look easy, like social media integration with one’s art practice is as simple as breathing. I understand how it is crucial now as any kind of artist to have a big social media presence. But despite that understanding, I still have a lot of issues with it.

I was in art school in the still relatively early days of Instagram. Facebook and Twitter were big, but I didn’t really ever get too deeply involved in either platform. For me, Facebook was mostly for staying in touch with friends and family back home. I didn’t even have a smart phone until some time after I graduated. The school I attended encouraged us to build a website, get a business card, but there was no way to prepare us for the expansion of these apps among others that would emerge later on. This is not a sorry attempt at an excuse for my complicated relationship with social media, because there are a lot of artists in their early 30s right now who are very clearly doing well in that arena.

Circa 2009 – 2011, using social media for networking was beginning to be a real thing to consider. Having a Facebook page and separate Instagram and Twitter accounts devoted to your craft in addition to your website and blog in order to reach all possible professional connections was increasingly important. And now, they are all absolutely essential. People think you must be kidding yourself if you’re making art and don’t have a social media presence. I’ve caught myself being judgmental of young artists who aren’t on social media. But then I’m reminded of my own issues with Facebook and Instagram and all the others and I think maybe I should shut my mouth.

—

That’s the background. The real thing I’m trying to say is this:

Social media is exhausting.

I hate it.

For all the good content being generated and shared on FB, IG, etc there are a thousand mentally and emotionally draining posts being shared by people who, by and large, aren’t on social media to promote their craft. And that’s fine, people should have a place to vent their frustrations, laugh at funny or un-funny memes, share recipes and cute animal videos, get 100+ validating reactions to their photos, post thoughts/criticisms/ideas too long for Twitter but too short for a blog…

But to expect an artist generating original content to compete with everything else being blasted on every social media platform is complete and utter unrealistic nonsense.

—

My big, huge, major beef with social media is the totally insane decision to stop having posts featured in chronological order on pretty much every major platform. This really hurts creative people who are trying to get exposure, share their work to the world (or at least their friends and followers), and requires them to generate even more content, or share the same post over and over again in the hopes that their painting or photo or video somehow makes it over all the other posts from everybody else that are only just so much noise. Trying to get noticed or share your work with likeminded creatives you don’t already know is like shouting in a canyon full of other people shouting, drowned out by all the other voices and the echoes of the voices.

But that’s not the only thing about social media that keeps me up at night.

There are people on social media who have become experts in making their lives look like perfect, magical journeys of self discovery and growth and good fortune. Seeing their perfectly composed, perfectly lit photos of what is supposedly their daily lives, their brunches, their cocktails, their pets, their clothes, their travels, their significant others, and whatever else makes me want to not even try. Why should I even bother to try to compete with that? Looking at those kinds of posts immediately makes me feel inferior because 1) I’m not living that theoretically beautiful, charmed life, and 2) I’m not generating masses of content like that of my own experience. I look at my weird little life and there’s hardly anything photo- or post-worthy, at least not on a daily basis, not enough to get above everyone else’s noise. When did having a social media presence become an art form in and of itself? One of my very close friends described social media as performance art, which is probably the best description of this phenomenon I’ve ever heard. I’m not saying it’s not hard work — in order to project this perfect life, you have to be a photographer, or at least know and/or have the money to pay for one, be a master of self-marketing, and you have to set aside the time in your day to make the posts (more on that in a bit). But as someone with at least half a brain, I know that the content being gobbled up by glowing, supportive friends and followers is only a version of reality.

I know I’m not the only one who feels utterly alienated by the “perfect lives” being presented on social media, and I know that it’s not most people’s intention to alienate their friends by posting gorgeous photographs and positive affirmations of their own journeys.

And yet, even just thinking about it is exhausting. It’s a destructive and deadly combination of self-loathing and self-doubt inspired by the vast majority of what I see on Facebook and Instagram with knowing full well that those feelings are totally unfounded since the posts are not a true reflection of reality. It doesn’t motivate me, it doesn’t inspire me to follow their lead, it doesn’t get my blood pumping. It just makes me tired.

—

By my nature, I am a relatively private person. I have no real desire to share my private life with strangers, and it’s a struggle for me to open up to acquaintances. I have a hard time talking about myself, my dreams and aspirations, my needs and wants with other people. I keep to myself, I have a small circle of close friends and family with whom I share things openly.

There’s nothing like the gut-wrenching feeling you get when you’re talking passionately about your art or your interests or your hopes for the future with someone and seeing the very moment their eyes glaze over with disinterest. It’s a special kind of soul-crushing dismissal that has lead me to live an introvert’s life. Because why, after all, would I share anything with people when that’s the reaction I often got in my youth when sharing with my peers?

The whole grand purpose of social media is to share. Share everything and share often. Artists who hold regular jobs and don’t have an abundance of free time or energy to devote to generating social media content on top of the art they’re already making need to find that magical balance. The Buzzfeed article about burnout that was circulating a few months ago touches on this a bit. Work + Art + Self Promotion. That’s always been the case for artists looking to make a profit off their work, but now it’s on a whole other level and puts creatives in direct competition with social media influencers and everyone else on FB, IG, Twitter, Tumblr, Snapchat, etc. When I say time and energy, I mean the lack of energy I personally have after a working a job that already requires me to use my creativity, strategy, and organizational skills. When I get home or when I finish a job, I want to recharge so I can have the energy and motivation to actually sit in my studio and make new art. I struggle with budgeting out my time and energy for taking photos, writing cute little descriptions, thinking up clever hashtags, and setting timers to remind me when to post in order to get the most views.

I’m over-focused right now on making the art, in finding my voice as an illustrator, in re-vamping my portfolio and considering the future of my practice. I would need a personal assistant to run my social media accounts in an effective and professional way, and I don’t understand how other artists don’t have assistants. Or maybe they do. At the very least it would require me to have my phone in my hand far more than I already do, so another reason to keep it on me, especially in my studio while I’m in the zone, working, makes me feel gross.

I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “But Emma… you took all this time to write and edit this long blog post. Surely you could have used that time to work on content for your IG or FB accounts.” And you would be right. However, I’m in a place mentally and emotionally where I see the social media game, I understand it, but I just don’t want to play it. Not the way we’re all expected to if we want to get noticed. I’m not a performance artist, I’m not extroverted enough, my process doesn’t lend itself to this new gold standard of being an artist in the 21st century. Am I making big strides to change my process? Not really, because the very nature of social media feels inauthentic to me and the work I want to be making.

—

In the end… I don’t really know how to make social media work for me and my own journey as an artist. It would be great if there was some compromise, some middle path for people like me who are rubbed the wrong way by hashtags and stories and filters. Is there even a possibility for existing any other way as an artist today? Because everyone I know who creates any kind of art seems to have accepted and figured out the key to doing well on social media. It’s almost not even worth airing my grievances since I’m not willing to completely change and conform to something that does not feel right to me.

I’ll just keep plugging along as I have been until I figure it out. Or some kind souls who have been through a similar conundrum swoop in and offer their wisdom and insight.

[auroraphilealis]

Too Tense to Be Undone (1/5)

Too Tense to Be Undone (1/4) | Dan’s never had an orgasm before. Despite being in a relationship with his ex-girlfriend for three years, he’s just never been able to finish. The doctor’s don’t know what’s wrong with him, so Dan’s mostly put it out of his mind. Until his gap year, when he starts talking with AmazingPhil, and accidentally admits that he’s never come before. Phil’s happy to help with more than just convincing Dan to post YouTube videos, if Dan will just give him the chance. | Phan | Explicit | Slight Friends with Benefits, Pining, Eventual Smut, Very Explicit Smut, Dirty Talk, Flirting, Getting Together, 2009, Skype | 4,569 Words This Chapter

Intense thank you to @imnotinclinedtomaturity who has spent the last week editing fics for me because apparently I’m on a roll. Also for spurring me on when I got this idea out of nowhere (I’ll be honest, I saw this really cute porn video on my dash and I couldn’t help myself. It was supposed to be PWP I don’t know what happened). Also thank you to my followers on tumblr who kept encouraging me to go on while I screamed at them that the word length just kept growing.

I’ll be posting every other day, so expect to hear back from me with chapter 2 on Monday :) I’m still writing chapter 4 so uh, extra encouragement would be… appreciated.

Title from David Bowie’s song “Get Real”.

(ao3 link)

**

Dan wasn’t easy to please.

In fact, he was pretty sure that there was something wrong with him, because despite his young age when he and his girlfriend had first started hooking up, he’d never been able to come. Orgasms just didn’t happen for him. And soon after he’d get his girlfriend off, she’d moan about how it hurt for him to still be inside of her, and stare at his wet dick and frown at the very idea of sucking him off after he’d been inside of her.

It had sucked, to put it lightly.

Getting off seemed so distant, so unattainable, that Dan never managed. Everything, everything, fell short. His hand, his girlfriend’s mouth, the wet heat of her body… it all felt wonderful. But it was never enough. He was always left high and dry, unable to come, and with a sick feeling in his stomach that just ended up making him give up.

Sex was nice, sure, what with the way it made his body feel, but there was never that big ending that Dan had heard so much about. He could work himself up into a frenzy, and even recognized the way his body would start to tense, as if it wanted to finish. But nothing ever happened.

Instead, Dan was always left teetering on a precipice, balls drawn up to his body, tense and waiting, but nothing would happen. There was always a sensation of molten heat in his abdomen that drove him fucking crazy, but no matter how hard he chased his own high, or how fast he fucked his girlfriend, he never came.

So he gave it up for a lost cause, and mostly turned to sex for that flicker of pleasure, or the chance to be intimate with his girlfriend.

But then they broke up and Dan was left with… well, his hand. For a while, he tried. He tried it fast, he tried it slow, he tried fondling his balls while he stroked his cock, but it never finished

And there really was no starting point if it wouldn’t end.

So he stopped altogether. Sometimes, he’d wake up with a hard-on, and he’d rub it into the soft cotton of his duvet, but he never went further than the hazy sensation of drugged pleasure that came with it. Then, he usually took a shower and waited for his throbbing dick to calm down enough that it stopped pumping all of Dan’s blood supply down. It was never worth trying anything else.

So Dan was hard to please.

He was eighteen years old and had never experienced an orgasm, and he was fairly convinced he never would. He didn’t have erectile dysfunction; the doctors couldn’t figure out what was blocking his… release, and he was perfectly comfortable in the understanding that he was very much, bisexual thank you very much. So it wasn’t the fault of his ex-girlfriend that Dan hadn’t been able to come with her.

It was just. Well. Dan.

Unfortunately for him.

“It could just be a disorder,” the doctors had suggested after he turned 18 and they determined he’d matured enough that he, well, should have been able to finish. They’d thrown around a few names that Dan couldn’t remember if he tried, referring to situations where people couldn’t stop having orgasms, or were triggered by the simplest of things, in order to make Dan feel better about his problem, but. Well. At least those people could. He would take those problems over his any day. Dan was angry at first, but then he.

Sort of accepted it.

There was nothing else to do for it except keep trying, but Dan wasn’t willing to put himself through the agony of getting so, so close but not quite reaching that high, so he hoped maybe a partner in the future could help. Assuming he could find someone willing to put up with it, at least. He was certain he wouldn’t mind continuing to just get his partner off, but he’d kind of like some kind of reciprocation. An attempt, at least. Maybe.

If he was lucky enough.

Dan was on his gap year, though, and he wasn’t particularly eager to date any of the guys or girls from his hometown. Dating apps were gross and mostly searched for singles nearby anyway, not to mention the creepy married people looking for a discreet partner, so those were out too.

Dan tried not to think too much about his failed sex life, these days. Sometimes it just felt like a waste of time, when for all Dan knew, he was never reaching orgasm anyway. So he did his best to distract himself with other things, like watching youtube videos and working at the law firm his dad had gotten him a paid internship at.

It kind of sucked.

And was yet another reason Dan sometimes just didn’t bother thinking about sex. He had far more to worry about in his life than whether or not he was going to fucking orgasm ever. He had a future to think about - regardless of whether he wanted to or not.

The main thing was, Dan really, really, really didn’t want to be a lawyer, but he didn’t see any way out of it with his dad looming over him the way he did. One throwaway comment about going to school to be a lawyer, and now Dan seemed stuck in the decision.

God, sometimes he hated his dad.

There was one good thing in his life, though. .

AmazingPhil, Phil Lester of the youtube kingdom, was kind of sort of Dan’s friend.

Well, more than kind of sort of.

They had each other’s phone numbers and their personal skype usernames, and Phil treated Dan like a he was actually his friend, and not just another fan. They spent hours talking to each other, joking and teasing over twitter and dailybooth, and dropping hints to the rest of the world that they maybe, sort of were into each other.

Which was, unfortunately, not true.

On Dan’s end at least.

He didn’t know about Phil’s end. They didn’t talk about it. They just flirted, and joked, and messed around. But mostly, they were just friends. Good friends. Best friends, even, if Dan had a say. Phil was the kind of person Dan could see himself knowing for the rest of his life, and the four year age gap didn’t even phase him.

In fact, it kind of excited him. Not that that was a particularly useful emotion in Dan’s life. It wasn’t as if he could actually do anything with the erections that he could get from just looking at Phil’s face sometimes, let alone the dreams he had. And yet they happened anyway. It was sort of embarrassing, but he supposed it would have been even more so if Dan had actually wanked off to the guy.

No. Instead, he didn’t wank off at all. He wasn’t really sure what was more embarrassing in the end.

Anyway, Dan more than kind of wanted to get into Phil’s pants, but they’d never even met in real life, so he didn’t think that was exactly the most plausible possibility in the world. Besides, like he’d said, he really didn’t have any idea of Phil’s true feelings. The guy was a fucking enigma, insanely good at hiding his feelings, and yet managed to be true to himself all at the same time.

In fact, when Dan spoke with Phil, he often found himself forgetting that he was talking to AmazingPhil, because despite being a similar guy, the Phil Lester that Dan spoke to was far more toned down and amazing than the persona he put on the for the camera (not that camera Phil wasn’t amazing too, just, in a different way. An impossible way).

Phil Lester was just kind of… Quirky. Crazy. Funny. Smart. And sexy. Sexy as all fucking hell.

Basically, he was the perfect package, and if Dan lived any closer, he probably would have jumped him the first time he’d seen him (okay, maybe like, the second, but the point remained). Being his friend was good too. Dan enjoyed that. He enjoyed having someone listen to him wallow while being happy to talk to him about his passions, including youtube and Dan’s very persistent desire to become a youtuber himself.

It was just nice. It was nice to have a friend like this. It was nice to know someone who was happy to help him, and didn’t make Dan feel like he was being a burden. And it was nice to have someone to combat the negative voice of Dan’s dad in his head.

It would be even nicer to put Phil’s focus to another task, but…

Dan shook his head. He couldn’t keep thinking about things like that. It got him… physically interested, and then it usually took like a good fifteen minutes (or longer, depending just how interested he got) to make his boner calm down. Besides, he was on a skype call with Phil, and he’d much rather focus on the sound of his best friend’s voice than on the pressing feeling between his legs.

“So I’ve been thinking,” Phil said, “You know, about you posting youtube videos?”

Dan mumbled something that sounded vaguely like an affirmative, because for all of his bravado, he really wasn’t all that confident. In fact, Dan could be pretty insecure at times, and when it came to youtube, he was… well, at his lowest point.

Or, he had been.

Phil had definitely helped him work out of that hole, at least a little bit. Dan had filmed a couple videos already, and he had footage that Phil thought was hilarious, but, well, he hadn’t exactly edited it together or bothered making an introduction video.

“Don’t get too excited, Dan, we’re only talking about you becoming internet famous over here,” Phil teased.

“Shut up!” Dan snorted. He gave Phil his best unamused look, but he couldn’t help bursting into a fond smile at the way Phil looked back at him. It wasn’t all about Phil’s sex appeal, okay, Dan had a massive crush on the guy too. He was sweet, and he had this way of looking at Dan that made Dan feel like he was on top of the fucking world. “What have you been thinking, then?” Dan asked, because it didn’t seem like Phil was going to continue unless Dan actively chose to take part in this conversation.

“Oh, you know,” Phil hummed, “I was thinking maybe you could film an intro this weekend? Maybe that’ll encourage you to actually start editing your other videos, so you can get them up.”

The words made Dan shrink back a little. Youtube was like, a thing he really wanted and he talked about it with Phil because he knew that Phil would take him more seriously than his parents or his other friends, but, well. Actually posting a video and just talking about it were two very different things.

Filming an introduction to his channel meant this whole thing was real, and once Dan had put his face out there, he was terrified to give it up as a failure. He didn’t need everyone he knew telling him they were right.

“Yeah,” Dan said, noncommittedly.

Phil instantly frowned.

“I really don’t understand what you’re so afraid of. You’re really attractive and funny. That’s like, the perfect package for youtube,” Phil explained. “Besides, you’ve shown me your skits! They’re really good, and you look fucking edible in them, if you know what I mean,” Phil added with a wink.

The expression was a little awkward. Phil had trouble blinking one eye and not two, but it still sent a chill up Dan’s spine - and a surge of blood down to his groin. Never let it be said that he did not have the body of an 18 year old, because he sure as hell did. He got hard just as easy and just as often as anyone else he knew, he just… couldn’t do anything about it, that’s all.

The idea of Phil finding him edible was mouth watering, though.

Dan’s cheeks coloured red.

“Stop,” he moaned, “you’re flattering me!” With a dramatic hand to his head, Dan pretended to fall backwards in a swoon, which successfully broke the tension between him and Phil. They laughed and the world felt normal again - except for Dan’s dick, because that sure as hell hadn’t gotten the memo to calm the fuck down.

“No, but seriously, Dan,” Phil said again, “What’s up with you? I really think you should do it. If I was able to get popular on this platform, I don’t see why you can’t.”

“Yeah, but you’re like. Phil. You’re this super tall, sexy guy with dreamy blue eyes and a good sense of humor. Have you seen yourself in the toxic video? You can’t tell me you weren’t trying to be provocative. How many girls wanted to fuck you after that, hmm? I could never be as good as you.”

Dan didn’t intend to go down the self-deprecating route, but it was kind of his signature thing to do.

Thankfully, Phil wasn’t one to put up with it.

“I might have gotten a few offers. The only ones I took even half seriously were the guys, though,” Phil said, offering Dan another awkward double wink. “But no, really, Dan. Have you looked in a mirror? If you think I’m sexy, I don’t know what to say to you. The amount of followers you have on dailybooth from your nakedbooths alone could far outshine mine if you let it build up long enough.”

The words sent another little zing through Dan. If he was being honest, he knew he was attractive. He’d been a ladies man in secondary school, and even though his last relationship had survived the last three years of school, he’d still known he was well attractive. It was just… Phil was so many leagues ahead of Dan already that it didn’t feel comparable.

Rather than letting Phil dominate the conversation any longer, Dan smirked at his friend.

“Been having a look at my nakedbooths, hmm?”

“You know I have been. How I am I supposed to resist?”

And here came the part of the night that Dan always particularly enjoyed: the cocky flirting. The cocky flirting that Dan was never sure whether it was real or not. Phil always got this intense expression on his face, like he knew he could get anyone that he wanted. He was so confident that it put Dan to shame, and Dan had always thought he was a pretty confident guy. Phil, though - Phil was not afraid to show himself off, and to make it very clear what he wanted.

Phil was no virgin, that much Dan knew. In fact, Phil had admitted that at one point in his life, he’d been a little bit of a slut. He’d learned a lot during his masters program. And it wasn’t all academic.

“How many times have you jacked off to my pictures?” Dan teased.

Phil didn’t back down, not even for a second.

“Too many times to count. My favorite is how innocent you look with all those stuffed animals posed around your body. Don’t leave much to the imagination, do you?”

Dan laughed, his voice husky, and his cock suddenly very interested in the topic of their conversation.

Dan was mostly just glad he’d managed to divert Phil’s attention away from Dan posting his first video.

“I like to let people know what they’d be waking up next too.”

Phil’s eyes, impossibly, grew darker.

“Oh yeah? Is that why you hide the part we all want to see the most? To make sure we take you to bed?”

“Maybe,” Dan teased.

“God, I bet you look beautiful when you’re worked up,” Phil whispered. His voice had gone all deep, and it made Dan’s mouth feel insanely dry.

Was it getting hot in here? Maybe. Dan should open a window. He didn’t want to move from his bed.

“Wouldn’t you like to know.”

“I would,” Phil returned, eyes glittering. His mouth tilted up into his trademark smirk that always made Dan wonder if he was just another game to Phil. “I’d love to get you under me, see how you fall apart. I bet you look amazing when you come.”

The words made Dan’s eyes close, made him feel wistful, lusting for something he knew he couldn’t achieve. It caused his hands to twitch at his sides, itching to relieve some of the tension of his cock. His laptop was thankfully perched on top of his crotch, so Phil could have no idea what kind of effect he was having on Dan, but Dan wanted nothing more than to move it so he could get a hand on his dick.

Not that it would do anything. But still. Phil’s words made him feel so fucking good…

To be taken care of, by anyone, for however long they were willing. God, that was the dream.

“Do you, Dan?” Phil asked, pulling Dan from his thoughts.

His eyes popped open, and he stared quizzically at Phil.

“Do I what?”

“Look hot as fuck when you come.”

The question knocked the breath out of Dan, because he didn’t know. But the way the words curled off of Phil’s tongue made him desperate for the answer. He wanted to fall apart under Phil’s talented hands, and finally know what he was like when he finished. He’d never fucked another man, but he’d love to, he’d love to find out how different it was than being with a girl, and to see if he liked having a cock in his ass. He had a feeling he would.

What would it be like to get fucked? Dan was just horny enough to want to know.

His cheeks went dark red as he contemplated how to answer the question.

Finally, he went with the truth.

“I don’t know.”

Phil seemed to misunderstand what Dan meant, though. His smirk only seemed to grow, and he looked at Dan like he wanted to eat him.

“How would you like to find out?”

Dan had to bite his tongue to prevent himself from making a noise, but he let his hips roll a little, adjusting to the new pressure in his pajama pants. This wasn’t territory Dan was exactly… comfortable with.

It felt like lying, to go along with this, and pretend his issue with never finishing didn’t exist. But he wanted to. God, did he want to.

“Uhm, I don’t know,” Dan whispered.

“I could show you, if you wanted. Get you off over skype, talk you off the edge, and record it all for you,” Phil continued, voice low and rough. The words washed over Dan, and it all sounded so good, except -

Except -

“I’ve never had an orgasm,” Dan blurted out. His face, already impossibly red, seemed to grow redder.

On the other side of Dan’s screen, Phil’s eyes had gone wide. In fact, Phil’s entire posture had changed. He’d gone from complete and utter confidence to outright confusion, shifting backwards so he wasn’t quite so close to his own camera, and staring at Dan as if he’d grown two heads.

“You’ve never had an orgasm?”

Dan laughed nervously. “No, I haven’t.”

Phil didn’t seem to know what else to say. He was so taken aback that Dan thought he might actually be uncomfortable with the whole situation. Dan’s own mind was whirling. He couldn’t believe that he’d even said that to Phil, let alone that Phil had offered to get him off over skype before he’d said it. They’d flirted hardcore before, and Dan had joked about his nakedbooths plenty of times, but they’d never stepped into this realm before.

Phil asked Dan provocative questions, but Dan always brushed them off.

Until today.

Eventually, Phil managed to pull himself back together. His eyes softened, and his shoulders relaxed as he offered Dan a sympathetic look.

Dan didn’t want pity. He found himself shrinking back.

“I thought you had a girlfriend for three years? Are you not… I mean. Are you still a virgin?” Phil asked, words completely matter of fact. “I’m really sorry if I made you uncomfortable Dan. I didn’t even think, I just assumed that -”

“I’m not a virgin,” Dan muttered, cutting Phil off before he could bury them both into an even deeper hole. “I’ve had sex before. Plenty. With my ex-girlfriend. I’ve just... never had an orgasm,” he admitted.

Phil didn’t seem to know what to say to that, either. Dan was starting to get used to that. He hadn’t told very many people that he couldn’t orgasm, but they all seemed to react in the exact same way.

Speechlessness.

Dan sighed, and reached up to card a hand through his hair. He pushed his fringe back, and then immediately fumbled to brush it back into place, already self-conscious enough without his hair being a mess.

Finally, Phil spoke again.

“Are you… do you just not… do you have erectile dysfunction or something?”

“Phil!” Dan reprimanded. “I don’t have erectile dysfunction. I’m not 80! What the fuck!?”

“I’m sorry! I just don’t understand! How have you had sex before and not…”

“I don’t know,” Dan finally admitted, defeated. “The doctor’s don’t either. I’m perfectly healthy, there doesn’t seem to be anything wrong with me, and I can get hard as easily as anyone else. I just. Can’t finish,” Dan finished lamely.

It was an embarrassing thing to talk about, especially to someone Dan was kind of, sort of, incredibly interested in. Besides, Dan still didn’t know if Phil was into him or not. They’d gone way past the normal boundaries tonight, but for all Dan knew, Phil just wanted to fuck him. Not be in a relationship with him.

Dan desperately wanted more. He’d never been a one night stand kind of guy. He might be a flirt, sure. But he was possessive as all hell and got jealous easily. Dan didn’t share well. At the end of the day, he was committed, and he always expected his partner to be committed as well.

That was part of why Dan and his ex-girlfriend had broken it off. She’d found someone else, and, well. Dan couldn’t really blame her.

She’d found it upsetting that Dan couldn’t finish with her, despite the fact that she so rarely tried to help him actually do so.

So Dan was a little bitter towards his ex. So what. He was allowed to be. She’d technically cheated on him, after all.

Phil, for his part, seemed a little lost for words. Dan stared at him, terrified of how he was going to react. “Oh,” Phil finally replied. “I mean. Have you tried?”

“What the fuck, Phil?” Dan snapped. “What kind of a question is that!? Of course I’ve tried!” he complained. “I know how to jack off, asshat. I just can’t get anywhere with it.”

Dan was borderline fuming now. Phil was looking at Dan like he was a science experiment, and it was pissing him off. First, his girlfriend had left him because he couldn’t orgasm, and now his best friend was acting like Dan simply hadn’t put in enough effort or something.

“Well,” Phil said, after another moment of peering at Dan. He leaned in slowly to his webcam, and suddenly that same dark, sexy look was back on his face. “Maybe you just haven’t tried hard enough.”

“Fuck you!” Dan snarled, “Who are you to say I haven’t -”

“Dan,” Phil said, effectively cutting him off. Dan’s chest was too tight for this. He could feel himself heaving, and it wasn’t from arousal anymore. It was anger.

Phil didn’t seem to understand just how livid he’d made Dan. He just continued to smirk at Dan with that same look on his face that he’d had when he’d suggested filming Dan pleasuring himself.

“Maybe I phrased that wrong. I think, maybe, you just haven’t had the right attention paid to you. I’m sure you could orgasm, given the right partner,” he purred.

Dan was speechless. He could still feel his body thrumming with furious energy, and he still kind of wanted to tell Phil off for presuming to know Dan’s body better than he knew his own, but. Well. He hadn’t quite been expecting Phil to say that.

Dan licked his lips. “What do you mean?”

“I mean,” Phil said, that same intense look on his face. “That I think I might be able to help you with your little problem.”

Dan’s cheeks were flushed red again. Despite the outrage he could still feel simmering under the surface, his dick was perking back up. That should have annoyed Dan, but Phil looked so sexy that he was used to it by now. He’d just have to will it away later…

“Look, Dan. You’re hot, and I am very much so attracted to you,” Phil explained, “And if you seem to have a bit of trouble finishing, I can promise you that I wouldn’t give up after just one try. In fact, I don’t think I could ever stop pleasuring you, given the chance,” he added, practically purring once again.

His eyes were so dark that Dan was dizzy with it, and his voice a perfect balance between gravelly and in control, so that Phil sounded like the goddamn sex god that he undoubtedly was. Dan couldn’t deny that he was curious

“Phil…” he whispered.

“Dan. I want you. And if you’ll give me the chance, I think I can guarantee you an orgasm. You were talking about coming to meet me, so how about in two weeks. My parents will be away, and you and I… we can work on your little problem together.”

Dan’s mouth was like a fucking desert. Everything Phil was offering sounded so fucking good, but -

But Dan wanted more than just a one night stand.

He was paralyzed with indecision as Phil drew back from his webcam. The smirk didn’t leave Phil’s face, but he did look a little flushed, and possibly a little turned on.

Dan didn’t know how to answer.

“Think about it. And Dan,” Phil added, “I hope you’ll post that intro video soon. I’d hate to have you star in a collab with me only to have no channel to direct your new followers to.”

And with that, Phil winked, waved goodbye to Dan, and hung up their skype call.

That little shit.

Dan was left staring at a white screen with a few links and hasty conversations in his and Phil’s chat, and nothing else.

His heart was racing with a combination of anger and arousal. Dan didn’t know which to focus on. He was too busy fumbling with the offer Phil had just given him.

Phil’s parents were going out of town, and he was inviting Dan to come over. There was no way he could have been joking about fucking Dan if he’d planned it so they’d be home all alone. And on top of that, Phil had mentioned a collab. Fuck. Dan’s head was spinning.

Had all of this really happened?

He didn’t know, but he wanted to find out.

Besides, with a promise like that, how could Dan refuse?

[taeheyhey]

Hi! I have so much to say! This is gonna be like 80 asks long lol. I've said it a few times and I have to say it again, Close to Normal is the absolute best! But I read that on AO3 months ago when I was to impatient to wait for you to release it on here haha. So, it's been a while since I read your stuff. But I just read your newish other two stories on here, and OMG? God your writing is so good! I'm so impressed! I have read so much fanfic in between Close to Normal and now (tbc)

1/8 Asdfgfdsdadhssff!! Hi sweetie, I wasn’t sure how best to do this to make sure I fully express how much your kind words have meant to me, but I’m gonna try my best, so here goes: When I decided to begin releasing CtN on here I was a little nervous, it had done well on AO3 and I was very surprised, but there were just bits I wanted to tidy up and edit a little when I reposted it on tumblr. I know you have been very supportive and lovely to me since very early on and I am so grateful to you for that...

2/8 Well, your fic was the first multi-chaptered one I ever read, which inspired me to read others, which I also thank you for that, but I have read like literally probably over 100 fan fics since then like 3 months ago. Your writing is still some of the best writing I have ever read. You give just enough detail to set the scene, just enough dialogue, everything about it is amazing. I'm so in awe of just the way you structure your sentences, pepper in vocab(?) words. (tbc) 

I think sometimes huge multi-chaptered fics can be a little daunting, both in the reading and the writing, I feel incredibly honoured that you took a chance with mine! There is some absolutely breath-taking fiction out there and for you to be so sweet about mine is indescribably touching, thank you so much.

3/8 Idk I'm just amazed and I needed to gush about this for a bit. I've also attempted fanfic since I first read your stuff, so I have a much better appreciation. Things I struggle with you succeed so seemingly effortlessly (although I now understand and I am sure it is very hard for you). Thanks for putting so much work in and writing these wonderful stories. (tbc cuz imma have an ask for each of those other writings lol)

I hope you continue to write if it is something that makes you happy! It took me a long time to start writing again, after not doing it for years, and even now I don’t get anywhere enough time to dedicate to it as I would like to! I’m a little obsessive when it comes to writing my stories, I spend half of my time googling “synonyms for eyes” before realising for the umpteenth time that there really aren’t any! A lot of the time the things I am proudest of writing is stuff that just comes out when I get in a bit of a zone and the old writing-trance kicks in (but “wonderful”?! – my dear you are far far too lovely!) 

4/8 Okay so Tell 'Em You're My Lady is so great!!! Hoseok is such a whole ass cutie in this. Also I love how you portrayed Jin! I knew just from your description of him that her bf was gonna be him. It was so accurate! The interactions in general are so cute. I love that her ex's girl interacted with her in the bathroom, and their whole little girls looking out for girls situation. I've read fics similar to this plot but this still seemed so unique. Hobi is my wrecker so my heart is just like ♥

So this Hobi fic was just stuck in my head and I don’t even know where it came from. It was the first time I had tried a one-shot and I just really wanted to make it a little bit of fun! I was very surprised by the response it got!! Kind of still playing around with ideas for a follow-up to this but have a few more pressing ones to get to first! I think it’s really important to show girls supporting one another and this was the best way I could think to do it! I have had some real life-affirming interactions in the ladies restrooms as well! Also, Hoseok became my temporary wrecker when I wrote this, but Jin is my usual bias-wrecker so I am over the moon you liked my portrayal of him!

5/8 Okay Please Pull Me In was such a whirlwind for me! Deep in my heart I really hope that her and Tae end up together. The timing ughhhh. Regardless I'm happy that she left that relationship. Talk about toxic. Idk tho Rebecca seems like a sweet girl tho. Ugh Tae and her are just so cute with their sandwich shop times. Clearly they would be so good together. Maybe she ends up with JK? Idk but this one was also just so well written. I never catch myself skipping parts or losing track of what's (tbc)

It was a whirlwind for me too!! BELIEVE me! As the person who requested it wanted angst and a bit of heartbreak, I wrote it in a way where it could be left as is, while still having a part 2 in mind. I usually try and not write anyone who is an outright “baddie”, but honestly Paul is such a tremendous douche! I don’t want to give too much away but I really hope you like the end, and I really hope to get it uploaded by the end of the week – but I’ve been wrong before!!

6/8 going on. I really liked it even though the ending hurt meee. Anyways!! I feel like I'm awful at leaving feedback, but I really wanted to take extra time to leave you some hopefully really good feedback. I know you feel like Close to Normal hasn't been doing as well lately cuz of notes and stuff, but PLEASE don't be discouraged!! I tell you 100% sincerely that you're amazing as hell at it. Like write a book and I will buy the hell out of it! (If you're even interested in this as a career) (tbc)

How could you think you are awful at feedback?? It is honestly so sweet of you to do this, and I am endlessly grateful for you! I felt sort of awkward expressing my insecurities about the decrease in notes, because honestly, that isn’t at all what I enjoy about writing and posting on here. It’s interacting with wonderful people like you who like the same things I do! It’s my favourite way to fangirl!! I can’t express how encouraging and motivating your generous words are – as long as I can write more stuff that you enjoy, I will be ludicrously happy!

7/8 Okay so this has been so long I am so sorry!!! I briefly mentioned this but I have you to thank for introducing me to this whole world and I couldn't be happier for it. Real talk fanfic made me realize how shitty of a relationship I was in and I may not have ever left without it. (as weird as that sounds) (it seriously changed my life) Close to Normal will ALWAYS hold a special place in my heart. Not just for introducing me to this, but just for being so good. Shit I need to do one more ask jeez

(Please don’t apologise sweetie – I literally teared-up when I read these!) I feel incredibly honoured to have been your introduction to the world of fanfic, and for it to have had such a positive influence in your life! I don’t think it sounds weird, I have been positively influenced many times by words I have read, both fictional and factual. Most of all it’s wonderful that you were able to get yourself out of a crappy situation – whatever the impetus for that may have been – but to think that I might have contributed to that in some way is unbelievably humbling. (The way you ended this ask has me s c r e a m i n g though!!)

8/8 Last one I promise!!! But idk I just find it super funny that what I imagined in my head for meeting Taehyung is pretty similar to Close to Normal. Like he is in a hotel separate from the others, but in mine I'm getting snacks at the vending machine when he comes up to do the same lol. Just thought it was a funny coincidence!!! Anyways thanks for coming for my TED talk. Love you and your writing always ♥

I said it a few times before but I tried really REALLY hard to keep an element of realism – no matter how small – when I wrote CtN, and I am so so glad you were able to relate to it in that way! It’s a whole lot of wish fulfilment from my side I can tell you that!!

I sincerely cannot say thank you enough times to express how truly grateful I am that you took so much time to do this. I have been walking around with the hugest grin on my face all day! I hope more than anything that I have done your amazingly generous comments justice with my responses. I am really overwhelmed with gratitude...thank you so much, you are an absolute sweetheart!! Lots of love, Ally ♥♥♥♥♥

[violetsystems]

#personal

I promised I would keep things less heady this morning which is always a challenge.  I still wake up every morning at around four or five out of routine.  Most of what I’ve been doing since August has been reorganizing money and untangling things from my previous life.  I had both a severance and a payout on a pension from my previous job.  It was a hard cutoff and probably the most diplomatic time to get rid of me.  I spent a lot of time feeling like a failure.  Then I spent a lot of time trying to figure out what I was going to do.  When Monday rolls around the city fully expects us all to do nothing for another thirty days.  I’m not really one to complain although you hear me grumble every Saturday morning like clockwork.  I save most of my emotional output for this blog.  I can say with good faith nobody talks to me this deeply at all.  I’m not on Facebook or Instagram anymore.  I am on LinkedIn more than I’d care to be but nobody ever reaches out other than Bitcoin scammers trying to get me to divest from Nio.  The last one being Andre Bobby.  They introduced themselves as Bobby Andre.  I greeted Andre and subsequently blocked them.  I’m often invited to the same discussions from the news team.  Always about the future of Higher Education and online learning.  Sometimes to the same thread.  I’ve long since ignored everything except jobs posted I’d be interested in over there in China.  From everything I have had to read into, I’ve learned that March is probably the soonest anyone of worth would be hiring.  This is reinforced by conversations with my dad who is admittedly just as much as a workaholic as myself.  I spent twenty years working for something I thought I was part of.  And it just seems like my work was never valued at all.  And the less depressed I got about it, the more I started to explore the reasons why.  I had a thick ass book delivered to me annotating the various financial holdings of what consisted of my share of a pension.  A pension these days is like an ancient relic.  One that many companies find too heavy on their books along with other benefits like health insurance or other basic needs for human survival.  When I started at an art school, the benefits were what were lauded the most.  I had over thirty days of paid vacation.  I spent a period of seven years from 2011 travelling by myself to Korea.  Towards the end of my travel, I had been itching to network for something else.  I felt stagnant in my job.  I spent over twelve years in the same job title drowning in the responsibilities of middle management.  My boss often never showed up to work.  Towards the end, they’d never show up to meetings.  They’d be offsite with an employee of mine making music in a garage.  When the news hit me the Thursday before the fourth of July holiday, it felt targeted and mean.  There was a great alibi, a piece of paper to sign absolving all wrongdoing in exchange for a severance and a health insurance extension and a lot of hurt.  A recruiter reached out the day before my health insurance responsibilities switched over.  My payments per month are about as much as my rent.  I had accepted the highest level insurance through open enrollment about a month before I was let go.  It’s all been pretty heady ever since.  Mostly because somehow I still managed to act like it didn’t even affect me.  Although nobody ever reached out an acknowledged how bad it looks in retrospect.  Nobody reaches out at all other than to punk me into selling stocks while I walk to the grocery store.  I did own a car once.  Now I’m just a target by activist investors and their Qanon buddies.  A step up from the Proud Boys I guess.  But who am I really after all of this?  

Nobody can tell for sure.  I’ve shared everything I could ever possibly feel in my writing week after week.  I’ve had bits and pieces of it lifted and used as actionable intelligence to bully me in public.  Everybody seems to know my business and sometimes I wonder if it really fucking matters.  You can bare your soul to people and they’ll stare right through the gaping hole and laugh.  Mostly because they see how empty they are themselves.  It’s an uncanny valley effect to look in my eyes these days.  People can talk all the shit they want about what theories they have but they’re afraid to face the truth.  That I’ve never really been anything other than genuine.  And America is so desperate to prove you wrong.  To prove how much better it is at everything.  I noticed this a lot with gaming particularly when I would play magic in public with people.  I always build decks at my kitchen table alone for fun.  I love the logic.  I will try unorthodox strategies just to learn through failure.  And I would fail year after year playing against people who literally would define their decks by a monetary value other than a strategic one.  I used to read the Tarot.  I love the idea of randomness.  You buy a pack and you have to work with what you have.  If you’ve ever gone to a prerelease, you know the feeling.  You get a box and you have thirty minutes to draft a deck on the fly with what you have.  You learn the economy of the cards and the existence of rules.  When you win, it’s a special feeling of accomplishment.  You did it yourself and the playing field was level and fair.  And then you sit around with a bunch of loud mouth know it all’s who crush you and laugh about it.  All the while the game’s fun fades into a lecture of mansplaining.  Nowhere does this tendency reel it’s ugly head than in the pundits and the stock markets.  Men telling you what’s best to do with your money.  Men with agendas so blatant it bleeds through the semi annual reports I sift through looking at investment ecosystems of days gone by.  Real estate is a pretty funny one to look at in COVID-19 times.  Nobody feels safe in the office.  Deutschbank recently turned heads saying that people working from home making a paltry sum of 55,000 should pay a tax.  The same week Ken Grfifin spent millions of dollars assaulting a fair tax amendment which died a quiet death.  Real estate sits empty in large droves downtown these days.  Chicago enters another stay at home order Monday which is somewhat of a relief for me.  It’s basically thirty days of respite from people wondering what I’m doing with my time.  Meanwhile we are lectured that we are supposed to save the economy by spending our money eating out instead of enjoying cooking your own meal in the kitchen.  This is incidentally why I like going to to grocery store.  Nobody ever asked but I was anorexic in high school.  I loved coca cola when i was little.  I used to drink too much of it and got a small belly.  When I was twelve American kids used to make fun of my weight.  I was a harsh critic.  I still am.  And I tried to fix it by starving myself.  I promised I wouldn’t get heavy.  I never promised I wouldn’t stay real.  No one would ever know these intimate secrets about me if they didn’t read.  And yet there’s people out there who will lift those very words to figure out a new attack on me.  You’ve got to wonder if I’m so transparent what other people are hiding under the surface if they’re so much more successful than I.

The truth is that I stay down here and write because I’ve found friends to connect with.  It may have not always been the most obvious or personal way to maintain contact.  But nowadays what else do we really have?  A bunch of people who speak through money instead of emotion.  People who assign value and compare each other based on speculation rather than connection.  I often feel like nobody knows what I’m worth.  This is perverse to watch as my bank reports my net worth rising when I spent so many years in debt.  And yet every day I go out in society people follow me around and talk so much about me but never to my face.  Are they scared to find out who I really am?  Are they trying to figure out what makes me so special?  Do they ever succeed?  No.  Things just end up sucking even more.  When the rules change and cheating doesn’t pan out anymore, they figure out more ways to be corrupt.  New ways to target you and intimidate.  New ways to control who you think you are.  All the while advertising this country as the freest place on Earth.  I don’t feel free.  I feel trapped, isolated and caged.  Mostly now for my protection granted.  Which is important to note that the only one keeping me safe is myself.  Nobody really has done me any favors.  It’s been a fucking insult to live out since the summer.  And yet, I still have to keep my shit together.  I have to be there for myself emotionally.  I need to feed ecosystems that I feel a part of.  And we all do this in varying ways seeking connection.  When I come to Tumblr, there isn’t some huge expectation that any of this does anything other than share my feelings.  Are my feelings valued?  Here, yes they are.  Sometimes they are valued in ways that I cannot betray or explain.  And there’s a sort of sacred intimacy to that I have never experienced in my life.  I wonder sometimes how people think they’ll ever fall in love if they can’t feel it.  Love is much more complex than the sum of it’s parts we’ve melted it down to to market back and sell at a cut rate.  Love is supposed to transcend, renew and replenish the soul to keep on existing.  Love isn’t a dividend in your stock portfolio or a cadre of late night trysts that haunt you and demand attention.  Love is a lingering spirit in the dark leading you towards a light.  Sometimes you fear being hurt again.  Sometimes you fear the change.  Sometimes you are excited and afraid.  But love never rushes.  Love never is easy.  Love is never right out there in front of your face demanding affirmation every moment of the day without anything in return.  Love doesn’t forget you and leave you alone in the dark crying for some sort of purpose.  Love isn’t a waste of fucking time.  Patience isn’t either.  And you will never feel the depth of love if you force it.  Love will come to you when it’s time for it to blossom.  Love is part of an ecosystem of connections and kindness you nurture with nothing in return.  But love doesn’t come for free.  There is a cost to love beyond dollars, yen, yuan, won or bitcoin.  You can’t speculate on something you don’t control.  And love is free, chaotic, and most of all nurturing.  Love isn’t a competition.  It’s not something you can quantify and bottle up.  Love is about as heavy as it gets for Saturday morning.  So if anything just remember I love you all.  One person more than most as always.  That’s about as free as I can be.  And if you fuck with my love I will leave you cold in the shadows where you belong not I.  It’s nothing personal.  It’s all love. <3 Tim

[fan-tastic-fiction]

Fanfiction Author Profile Friday

This is the ninth interview in what I hope will be a long running series! I think people need to feel more connected to the brilliant authors behind their favorite fics, I also feel that fic authors need to be taken just as seriously as published authors and treated with respect and admiration in the same way. Making money should not be the only way to gain prestige! Some of the best peices of writing I’ve ever read have been fanfictions and they are often equal or superior to published stories. If you have a story or author recommendation, let me know! And if you have a question you’ve always wanted to ask your favorite author, message me and I’ll try to make it happen!

Pen name: feliciacraft

Age: 37

Is English your first language? Nope, though it’s my best and primary language.

How long have you been writing? Since around 4th grade. Tbh I resisted the call of fandom for a long time, until I felt bursting at the seams with words. I’ve been writing fanfiction (for the Buffyverse) for two years, debuting on Valentine’s Day of 2015 with a story for my OTP.

What do you think your strongest piece of writing has been? I’m partial to Edge of Sorry, Heart of Truth, a WIP Buffy Season 6 rewrite that opens immediately after Buffy’s self sacrifice. It’s my most ambitious project to date. The amount of time I think about it and plan the next chapter in my head is way past the threshold for obsession. :) Chapter 4, “I Am Not Resigned”, a stand-alone chapter I’m partial to, is my version of the funeral missing from the show. http://archiveofourown.org/works/3625725/chapters/8005827

For those reluctant to read a WIP, the Spuffy one-shot, “The Right Words”, gives you a good idea of my style, and my penchant for experimentation. This piece is told from the rarely used Second Person narrative, with intentional disuse of quotation marks around dialogue. http://archiveofourown.org/works/9284084

For Giles fans, my short fic, “Someone (Or, The Watcher’s Night Off Continues)” just won Best Romance category at the Headline Awards, surprising me perhaps more than anyone else. I’m grateful that people like it: http://archiveofourown.org/works/8433775

Your weakest? “New Territory” was my entry into fanfic writing. It occupies a fond spot in my memory, but I hope I’ve progressed since then.

What is your favorite website for posting your writing and why? I love LiveJournal for the connection I feel to my little fandom friends. Perhaps because I blog more than just my fanwork there, the blog feels “mine” in a way that social sites and large archives do not. For my Spuffy work, fans at Elysian Fields (a Spuffy archive) give the most consistent and insightful reviews. Lastly, it may take me some time, but I try to (eventually) upload everything to AO3 for archival purposes, because it’s independent, free, inclusive, enormous, and most likely to stick around for a long time.

What do you find most challenging about writing fanfiction in particular? Lack of time due to Real Life ™. :) I’m a working mom with two little ones, and I have a stressful career. My writing has been coming directly out of my sleep deficit, which I’ve realized does not a long-term strategy make. ;)

In your opinion, what can the fanfiction community do to encourage fanfiction writers to continue their art? Read, review, share, and recommend. I dabble in fan art for my own diversion, creating icons and banners for my stories and such, and my mediocre fan art gets far more likes and reblogs than my writing (which easily takes ten times as much effort). It’s a bit disheartening.

What was your favorite review or comment? I love all of them. :) I’ve recently resumed updating Edge of Sorrow, Heart of Truth after a long hiatus. One amazing fan on Elysian Fields is re-reading the story from the beginning for continuity, all 55,000+ words of it, and leaving me appreciative, encouraging reviews chapter by chapter. I’m beyond moved by the gesture. I’m not a fast writer, and I tend to rephrase a sentence a number of times before I’m satisfied with it. I’ve scraped whole chapters and rewritten from scratch because they just don’t feel right. Reviews are my rewards. They are the extra boost of motivation that helps me stay up at night and write after everyone else in the house has gone to sleep. They are the voice that stamps out bouts of negativity and self doubt and answers affirmatively when the *other* voice in my head asks, “How do you know if anyone would care if you update or not?”

What type fanfiction do you enjoy reading? Anything well-written. :) Good characterization, emotional resonance, moral ambiguities, sharp dialogue and beautiful language are my weaknesses. I’ll read anything that gives me (most if not all of) the above, regardless of pairings. I like to root for the little guys, relationships that are hard fought, against all odds. I tend to stick to canon ships in my own writing, and I’m Spuffy at heart, but I’ve read and loved all kinds of pairings (including unusual ones like Buffy/Tara, Angel/Joyce, etc.).

What are some of your favorite fanfictions or fanfiction authors? There’s a long list of them—no way I can be inclusive, so I’ll only name a few:

Rahirah’s Barbverse (@rahirah) is a must-read for any Buffy fan. With 131 works, including everything from one-shot comedies that are laugh-out-loud funny, to novel-length sagas full of intricate plot, from hawt, hawt smut to metaphysical insights about the soul, it’s got something for everyone. http://archiveofourown.org/series/514

Anaross’s most famous work, My Life Closed Twice, may have gone offline, but there are still plenty of gems to be enjoyed. The poet in me just loves her language (and her clever use of POV). http://archiveofourown.org/users/Anaross

For Spuffy fans addicted to angst, who like cosmic levels of emotional impact, and don’t mind tragedies befalling their favorite characters, Herself_NYC’s (@herself-nyc) Bittersweets series should fit the bill nicely. http://archiveofourown.org/series/118774

If you’ve never read anything from the late NanDibble, you’re in luck. Her stories have been uploaded to AO3 recently. Tight prose, a right-on Spike voice, a beautiful Spike-Dawn friendship, and original plot await your discovery. http://archiveofourown.org/users/NanDibble/

What are some major influences on your writing? My parents like to brag that I’ve been reciting poetry since I was two and a half, but it’s accurate to say that poetry remains my true love. I have a volume of T. S. Eliot’s collected poems that I frequently return to for inspiration as well as for comfort. Other writers/poets I aspire to include F. Scott Fitzgerald, Edgar Allan Poe, Franz Kafka, Sara Teasdale, and Sylvia Plath. I read Hemingway from time to time to reorient myself what a writing style on the opposite spectrum to mine looks like, and to remind me that while it’s fine to emulate a successful writer, it’s also OK to have a different voice that is my own. Lastly, since I’m playing in Joss Whedon’s sandbox, I’d be remiss if I didn’t thank him for sharing the wonderful characters of the Buffyverse with us.

Anything else you would like to tell people about yourself? I love hearing from fellow Buffy fans and other fanfic/fanart creators! I’m on Tumblr obviously. If anyone’s on LiveJournal/Dreamwidth and we’re not already connected, feel feel to add me (same username) there.

I would like to thank the fantastic @feliciacraft so much for their time! I would like to encourage you to go and read their fanfiction! Remember to leave comments and kudos in support!

[the-four-ds-blog]

I hope you like metatextuality, We-Care

INT. CLASSIC DORM ROOM - NIGHT

Two young women sit on their beds, both working on laptops. EMMA - 21, proud Slytherin, the kindest person on their floor and also the sneakiest- browses Facebook. Her roommate ADDIE - 20, reluctant Gryffindor, wants to be Tumblr famous but never posts anything- stares at her screen. She starts out of bed suddenly and groans.

EMMA

What’s wrong? 

ADDIE

This application. It’s like it’s specifically designed to send me into an existential crisis. 

EMMA

Oh?

ADDIE

And I quote- “Out of the avalanche of applicants, why should we choose you?”

EMMA

Oh boy.

ADDIE:

I know!

Addie walks over to Emma’s desk and opens a tin of chocolate covered espresso beans. Through their conversation, she paces back and forth, tossing them individually high into the air and attempting to catch them with her mouth. She’s not excellent at this. 

EMMA:

I wouldn’t know how to answer that. 

ADDIE

I’m thinking of listing a bunch reasons and explanations. And I kind of want them all to start with D. You know, Dedicated, Disciplined, Delightful... 

EMMA

-Dutiful!

Emma looks sheepish. Addie laughs. 

ADDIE

Desperate. And like yeah, it’s a gimmick, but it gives me room to play around. Like after ‘Delightful’ I’m gonna be all “Okay this one’s a bit of a stretch, but I can be funny! I’m pretty nice! You’ll like having me around the office!” 

EMMA

I like having you as a roommate. 

ADDIE (CONT’D)

(halfway under Emma’s bed, searching for a dropped bean)

We should write each other testimonials. 

EMMA

Dear random company- I hereby guarantee that Margaret Adaline is cool and you should hire her.

ADDIE

Perfect. And for Dedicated I can be like- Yo, I’m just looking for a job that will let me do what I’m good at (marketing and communications) while letting me feel like I’m not making the world a worse place. And this org is about actively making the world better. I’d feel so lucky to be there I’d work my ass off.

EMMA

What type of thing are they?

ADDIE

I think they’re about connecting big businesses with non-profits. So shopping big brands can send some of their money to the non-profits who do their saving-the-world thing. I’m underselling it. They’ve helped keep kids out of the slave trade.

EMMA

That’s good!

ADDIE

I know! 

Addie’s attempts at throwing and catching the beans are becoming increasingly desperate. 

ADDIE (CONT’D)

I’ve been thinking again about whether the impact I leave is net positive or negative. I mean environmentally alone it’s probably the latter.

EMMA

Isn’t that why you started using your Divacup instead of tampons?

ADDIE

Yeet. And now I get to go this company and be like ‘Will my work on this planet be worth the damage I do just by existing? You decide!’ 

EMMA

I think you have a good impact. I mean, at least you’re not considering going into the oil industry. 

ADDIE

You’re not gonna go into oil, Emma. You’re like the most environmentally conscious person I know. 

EMMA

Addie, I’m a GEOS major. It’s kinda what we do. 

ADDIE

Ok, sure, but if you do it’s gonna be about promoting new, less shitty alternatives. You’re gonna be on that team PR points to to be like ‘See! We’re not all bad!’

EMMA

...I do get really excited when I think about fracking...

Addie can’t resist.

ADDIE

Well. I mean, who doesn’t love fracking. 

EMMA (playing along)

It’s like, invigorating to imagine. 

ADDIE

And so dirty.

Emma falls into laughter. 

ADDIE (CONT’D)

How could that place not hire me? Look at the complex high-brow humor they’d be missing out on. 

EMMA

Of course they’ll hire you. You know non-profits- you did Grubstreet!

ADDIE

You and your optimism. Hold on-

Addie looks to her computer. 

ADDIE (CONT’D)

They want me to know business stuff- I can spin Grubstreet finance into that... Research- Grubstreet and Boston Lit District... Writing skills- English major... Independent projects and strategy- did a lot of that making those videos at Cape Ann... Facebook, Twitter, Snapchat, Insta- I’m a millennial; I know these. Ok wait guess I’ll need to learn how to Pinterest. Linkedin? Fuck yeah.

EMMA

See? You’re qualified. 

ADDIE

So is everyone else. Ha! I like this one though. “Bonus points if comfortable on the phone.” I can do that. Grubstreet’s front desk drilled any phone anxiety out of me. I’m great at phones. I’m clear, I’m friendly, I don’t stutter. I’m Excellent. 

EMMA

Well you know what that means.

ADDIE

What?

EMMA

Next time we want delivery, you get to place the order.

Addie stares at Emma, amazed.

ADDIE

Oh my god. Wow. WOW. I walked right into that! 

She glances back at the application. Looks away quickly. Tosses another bean into the air and catches it. Chewing, she says-

ADDIE (CONT’D)

Yo, I think I got it figured out. Watch-

She tosses another bean. This one bounces off her tooth. 

ADDIE (CONT’D)

Ow! Fuck! 

EMMA

Ahh! Are you okay?

ADDIE

I’m fine. See?

She picks up the same bean and tosses it. Misses again. 

ADDIE (CONT’D)

Fuck!

EMMA

You know my heartrate speeds up a little every time you do that. 

ADDIE

Why?

EMMA

What if you choke!

ADDIE

(tossing and catching/missing throughout) I’m not gonna choke! Though like, I thought they would make me feel more awake, and, like, they totally are! But I also think that they might, like, be making me a little more anxious? Which is kind of, like, the opposite of what I need right now? Can I have a cider?

EMMA

Addie I’m cutting you off.

ADDIE

No!

EMMA

From the beans I mean. Have a cider. 

ADDIE

Ok wait last one.

She presses an espresso bean into Emma’s hand. 

EMMA

Ohh, I don’t think that’s a great idea... I don’t really want to...

ADDIE

No dude I meant for you to toss it to me. 

EMMA

Oh! Thank God! Yeah, I can do that! I thought you wanted me to try to catch it and I was like Hell No. Okay, you ready? 

Addie crouches closer to bed-level. She opens her mouth wide and grunts an affirmative. Emma throws the bean overhand- it misses wildly. The two laugh.

EMMA (CONT’D)

That was really bad! 

ADDIE

Well maybe you should try throwing underhand. Here-

Addie picks up the bean and gives it back to Emma. Emma tosses it in a gentle underhand- right into Addie’s mouth. 

ADDIE (CONT’D)

Mmm! Fuck yeah! 

They high five. Addie retrieves a hard cider from their closet and cracks it open using a bottle opener off of Emma’s desk. She takes a long sip and sighs. 

ADDIE (CONT’D)

Oh my god that’s so much better already. Day three of the semester and I’m already turning to drink. 

EMMA

Whatever will become of you?

Addie’s face scrunches up at the joke. She finishes her cider, crawls into Emma’s bed, and rests against Emma’s thigh. She takes Emma’s non-scrolling hand and places it on her head. Emma cards her fingers through Addie’s hair. 

ADDIE

Why do they have to be so stressful?

EMMA

Applications?

Addie nods. 

ADDIE

I just wanna not have to worry anymore. But then again I guess worrying is human. Maybe I wanna be a dog. 

EMMA

I saw this thing online that was like- imagine being a golden retriever. You’re living on a farm in Maine and you’ve got a family that looks after you and feeds you... you can just hang out all day...

ADDIE

Okay like I feel that? But also- you’re bordering on furry talk there Emma.

EMMA

You’re the one demanding to be petted. 

ADDIE

Touché. Being a Golden Retriever is the dog ideal though.

EMMA

Everybody loves them! 

ADDIE

It’s cause they don’t have resting bitch face.

Addie realizes her pun, then plays herself a ‘badum ts’ on an imaginary drum set. 

ADDIE (CONT’D)

They’re always smiling! They look like:

ADDIE (CONT’D)

:D

EMMA

:D

The pair laugh. Addie becomes fixated with a tipsy intensity. 

ADDIE

Okay I got a plan.

EMMA

Plans are good! Plans ward off existential dread! 

ADDIE

My thoughts exactly. I’m gonna work on application between classes tomorrow. After that I’ll do homework with free time til Friday night. We can have fun then- that’ll be my incentive to do work. Then I’m donating blood on Saturday morning because it will make me feel better. 

EMMA

That’s a good plan!

ADDIE

Thank you! I think I might include that in the app. About why I donate blood. Because yeah, sometimes I only do good things to feel better about myself, but that’s not a bad thing. It means that as humans, helping other people makes us feel good. Altruism is overrated. Humans evolved so that it makes us happy to help other humans. That’s awesome! It means that if you give someone the opportunity to do good, they’re gonna take it! Even if it’s a company- that’s just a bunch of humans! And this org- it gets that, and it’s making those opportunities, and that’s good! Doing good is beneficial to me, and that’s good! Because it says something amazing about humans in general. 

EMMA

I think you should include that. It’s honest. I like it. 

ADDIE

Yeah, they’ll love that. Dear sir or madam, I know there are people more qualified than me applying, but I’m honest. 

EMMA

You’re unique!

ADDIE

Ugh, don’t say that to a theatre kid- you’ll unleash the monster. I spent most of my high school years convincing myself that I’m no better or worse than anybody else. And now this application comes in like ‘why should we hire you?’ The beast rears its ugly head- “BECAUSE I’M SPECIAL!!!”

Addie mouths ‘I’m not’ to Emma, who smiles. 

EMMA

Hm. Well you’re not afraid to present the less polished sides of yourself-

Emma starts giggling.

ADDIE

What?

EMMA

And that makes you-

Emma laughs harder. 

ADDIE

Am I missing something?

EMMA

Daring!

Addie laughs.

ADDIE

Delectable!

EMMA

Delicious!

ADDIE

Deviant!

Done. 

[uncentury]

stealing jokes but not commercially?

A couple of times (and by ‘a couple’ I mean multiple, I’m Australian, I live in low modality) in my life I’ve had people laugh at something I’ve said, turn to me, look me in the eyes and ask me: “Can I use that?/Can I say that?/Do you mind if I...?” And of course, social anxiety ridden me has said, “Uh, sure.” 

And its weird... because I don't care, not really... But I do—definitely, otherwise these instances wouldn't stick with me years after. One instance strikes me very often, and it makes me fret more than I care to admit. I was roughly 15, sitting in class when I made a comment about the strangeness of breasts because I get handsy with myself unconsciously, and the girl next to me snorted, then turned and hit me with: “Do you mind if I...” And I said sure and I watched as she opened up a text post on tumblr and typed my words in, asking me if that was what I said word for word and I checked and affirmed, feeling strange. I had my own tumblr at the time, and was a bit confused as to why she would bother posting a mundane comment about breasts. Time passed, I grew curious and looked over her shoulder, and lo and behold she was looking at her text post, at the notes she had received. In this short span of time she had about ten notes (shhh, i had 30 followers then, it was a huge deal) and comments from people laughing about how ‘random’ she was, and telling her that she had a great personality and that she was funny. And at the time, I didn't even feel complimented. Selfishly, I wondered if I could garner the same response. (Whether thats because I am not as beautiful as she is.... I’m not sure. ) 

Another instance that really sticks out, is one in which I voiced a comment aloud about the use of the verb ‘calculate’ in a sentence. We were preparing for a religion exam and I joked to my friends: “Nah, of course calculate is a necessary verb. Calculate how much jesus loves you.” It was funny at the time, although in retrospect it’s not the pinnacle of humour I felt like it was. Anyway, a boy sitting up front (popular-ish but just nerdy enough to be seated near me ;/) turned around and, can you guess what happened next? So he says the line aloud as a response to a genuine question—my quiet joke now an attempt at witty back talk to our strict catholic old woman teacher—and I just... I remember being a bit frustrated at his delivery, he fumbled the words... said it all wrong and came across a bit like a jerk. After he was roasted, catholic old teacher woman liked witty responses too, one of my friends (of the two who I truly cherish and did at the time) turned to me and told me she liked it better when I said it. I felt both justified and flattered. It wasn’t a big thing, but I remember disliking the guy and the way people congratulated him on his joke (which is rather normal, I would want to be congratulated of course). 

I think theres more to it than just wanting to be congratulated, I think a big part of it is because I feel like my personality was overlooked because of who I am and also,,, because I think at times I valued the element of privacy—that my friends get to see me happy, get to enjoy my attempt at trying to make them smile AND ALSO, because I have a big ego, and I wish people wouldn't try to benefit off of my personality to enhance their own. anyway, this is too much text.