#this is me journaling but not really journaling lol
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yet another JAYVIK post about the Butterfly Effect :3
also spoilers lol
So Hextech isn't invented in Ekko's alternate timeline, and I feel like since life seemed so much better without Hextech there can be a couple things to infer about alternate Jayce and, by association, our Jayce (and Viktor!) here:
this is a long one and my long posts never get notes but i promise its actually super interesting to think about so u should totally read through it 🧎🏻♀️➡️🔥
My Strongest Theory:
(and also my favorite one bc its Very JayVik lmao)
alternate Jayce never pursued Hextech after the explosion: maybe too guilty over killing someone (because we see alternate Vi died from that explosion during the kids' robbery), he does what Heimerdinger advises him to: fully admitting his crimes and not mentioning the arcane. And we can assume the academy burned all his studies too becauseeeeee…
Viktor never endorsed it. Assuming the admission of guilt theory is correct- Viktor never would’ve even known about the arcane in the first place, because Jayce would never mention it in the council room trial. Viktor would never know that the arcane can be used to help cure people, which we see is what piques his interest in the first place. And like, obviously Viktor wants to cure his leg and illness lol
Which means Viktor never interrupted Jayce's suicide attempt after the trial and Jayce probably goes through with killing himself, Viktor never went to check on him. It seems the compelling force behind Viktor’s interrupting in season 1 was initially from Jayce’s journal, which he picks up while browsing all the Hextech equipment they were planning to destroy. Viktor only really looks at the notes because he was interested in the arcane in the first place, which again, can't happen if Jayce never mentions it in the council room.
Which is SO important to the plot and me that everything happened the exact way that it did for everything to succeed (which is quite literally the butterfly effect btw lmao). Because it shows how extremely important Jayce and Viktor’s partnership was to not only their own lives, but the entire future of Piltover, good or bad ie no hextech=no shimmer and peace between the cities, hextech= tons of shimmer, the corruption of the arcane, and the destruction of piltover.
Jayce needed someone there to believe in him, and that was Viktor: After the council disagrees with him, and he’s kicked out of the academy and banned from studying the arcane, he tries to find comfort with his mother. She’s the one who was saved using the arcane in the first place after all, so surely she’ll understand. But she tells him to give up on this dream, a dream he’s had almost his entire life. His own mother doesn’t believe in him.
He then goes to the Kiramman’s because “I'll find someone to believe in me,” most likely assuming if they sponsored his studies in the first place, they would still support him after the trial. But they kick him out from the Kiramman household too, as well as forbid his and Caitlyn’s friendship. And with no one left, the very next scene we see of him is as he’s deciding to jump.
The only thing that stops him is Viktor showing up. With an interest in the Hextech theory after he reads Jayce’s notes, Viktor wants to help Jayce make the Hextech a reality. Viktor believes in him, and he supports him. That interaction is what leads to their partnership forming, them sneaking back into the lab, grabbing the Hextech equipment and showing Mel and Heimerdinger that it was possible to create magic, and Mel's influence leading to the council’s support and the okay on continuing to develop Hextech together, projecting Piltover into success (and of course accelerating it into ruin, seen in s2. but I won’t get into that snowballing effect here because we’ll be here for hours)
Also, Viktor would be against Hextech if his first and only introduction to seeing it was as a tool to invoke harm (on a Zaunite especially). Which is what would drive Viktor away from investigating it, and before their theory ever even has the chance to get off the ground or evolve, it's already dead in the water for good because:
Something both of them, but especially Viktor, have been extremely against during the entire show was that their plans for Hextech WILL NOT be used as weapons to kill or harm, only to make lives better (especially in the undercity). Think about it: Viktor only adamantly opposed using the Hexcore AFTER it killed Skye.
The guilty conscience of accidentally killing another person with his own technology would not have helped Jayce’s mental state either lol. Like, think about the DIRECT PARALLEL in our timeline: where Viktor almost jumps and kills himself, after Skye's death, as a result of his tampering with the Hexcore, before Jayce interrupts him (ohhh their mirroring, it hurts me)
a Tandem Theory:
If not from jumping, then alternate Jayce was arrested or exiled… I mean like, he inadvertently killed a young Zaunite girl. That's a lot more consequential to his conscience, reputation, house name AND criminal record than just the building blowing up in our timeline. It’s pretty vague if anyone died in our timeline from it, I think the most that’s mentioned is some people were injured (“Was anyone hurt?” “A building was blown to bits, what do you think?”) so it would weigh heavier on Jayce’s shoulders if someone actually died in this timeline.
Also remember: he felt so guilty about accidentally killing a child with his hammer in s1, that he gave up entirely on trying to wipe out the production of Shimmer. Once he sees how his Hextech can be used against someone, he drops all his plans because "thats not what we created Hextech for"
From that theory, I'm assuming more-so that he was exiled though? Because Heimerdinger said he was in the alternate timeline for like 3 years and couldn't find Jayce, so I don't know... plus I feel like he would have found Jayce in jail if he was there lol.
And beforeeeee anyone yaps, ik Heimerdinger actually said he thinks Jayce ended up somewhere else, and never specifically stated that he "couldn't find Jayce". BUT from the end, since we see two Ekko's before he goes back to the main timeline, we can assume that the original person's mind inhabits the other's body so that there aren't like paradoxical two people in one place at the same time.
SO theoretically, Heimerdinger actually does go looking for Jayce, and if he found the alternate timeline's Jayce, he probably would've mentioned it to Ekko when asked if Jayce was there too… right? I’m assuming he was hanging around Ekko for most of the 3 years that he was there, waiting for our Ekko to be projected into the alternate Ekko, because it's not like Heimerdinger just happened to show up right when our Ekko gets there, he might’ve assumed it would happen eventually. And when the alternate Ekko starts freaking out about being in the wrong universe, it's pretty clear that this is his Ekko now lol
But then why stick around Ekko and not Jayce? I guess he was currently closer to Ekko, calling him his current pupil, and given that he was the one who showed him the Firelights community and gave him hope. Plus I mean, Jayce literally voted him off the council from a disagreement over the Hexcore so there's some salt in the wound there lmao. Or maybe because Ekko is a lot younger and would not react as calmly or rationally as Jayce would (I'm assuming... idrk HAHA). You could argue that Heimerdinger was just visiting both of them back and forth, but again if he couldn't find any Jayce, then I think it would explain why he doesn’t mention any Jayce at all, and that's where this make the most sense, at least to me.
And lastly, a Weaker Theory:
alternate Jayce also died in the explosion with Vi- When we see it in our timeline, he and Vi were the closest to the blast. If it killed Vi, it would’ve presumably killed Jayce too. And if he did die, then obviously Hextech would never be invented, reasons being: everything I just mentioned in the previous theories.. but like, even more simplified bc he wasn't there to begin with lol
I only say it's a weaker theory because Heimerdinger definitely would've seen a memorial for him (or at the very least a gravestone), given Jayce was in the Talis house and under the study of the Kiramman family, it was a pretty high status name compared to the average Piltovian citizen, and probably wouldn’t be silenced or brushed away…
Although to counter that, I guess since everything in the over city is super status-y, maybe the Kiramman’s wouldn't want their name being tied with the death of two people, which is a similar but obviously more significant reason to why they kicked him out of their house in our timeline after the trial, his “name is no good now.” Plus we hear in the council trial from Ximena that the Talis family is a lower house too, and their voice doesn’t hold as much weight, so maybe it wouldn’t actually have that much mention? He hasn’t become the “Man of Progress” yet either since he’d never get to finish his studies…hmmmmm idk
anyway thats all i have. if you made it this far i greatly appreciate you :3 🫶🏻 i love analyzing this show because OUGH the jayvik butterfly effect goes CRAZY HARD bc its both figurative with the theory and literal with the butterflies being in SO MUCH of their imagery UGHHHHH what the FUCKKKK
#the way this literally took like 4 whole hours to write omfg how do youtube analysts do this holy fuck#i just checked an this is 1600 words LMFAO ??? someone tell me to stfu#arcane#arcane season 2#arcane s2#arcane spoilers#arcane season two#arcane league of legends#league of legends#heimerdinger#heimerdinger arcane#ekko#ekko arcane#jayce talis#jayvik#viktor#viktor arcane#viktor and jayce#jayce and viktor#jayce arcane#arcane season 2 act 3#the butterfly effect#kats movie rants#hextech#arcane s1#arcane season 1#arcane meta
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What actually happened to Rex's batchmates?
Here's my take on this, because atm I'm writing a fanfic about Cadet!Rex as well so I'm appealing for his fanon cadet fate.
I respect both "Rex's batchmates are all decommissioned because the whole batch is defective but Cody and the others saved him so now he's got PTSD from child ab**e" and "Rex got bullied because of his mutated blond hair" fanons (uh hey where did this begin? Had those been widely accepted headcanon that it became fanon eventually? I'm revisiting this fandom and am just stepping my foot into the fanon so maybe safe to say I'm kinda-but-not-really new) but... Hear me out.
(Future me, approx 2 hours after starting this post: okay this post turns out to be so long you might wanna sit down)
Disclaimer again; I don't hate those fanons but it's kinda bothersome to me (so cruel omg idek if he'd been really strong for, what, just 10 years haunted by child ab**e trauma, based on majority fic depiction? and said trauma lasted into the clone wars even? uh, really? more in 10) that I've pieced the puzzle myself on how one may approach this matter from another angle.
Facts i (we) know about clones
As far as we know, they have batchmates and squadmates.
Not only are they genetically engineered with accelerated physical stamina, they are also capable of withholding more stress than the average natborn. This is due to the fact that war soldiers generally suffer PTSD and the Kaminoans wanted to create Tupperware clone army. Thus, to a certain extent, genetically, clones prove to be more emotionally stable – mind you, that doesn't mean they're not immune to PTSD and other related traumas. There were clones who defected from the army just because they couldn't handle it anymore. As cruel as this might sound, yeah; there's something wrong with their programming.
There are 3 known mass-produced clone types: CT (Clone Trooper), CC (Clone Commando), and RC (Republic Commando). Each type is made? cloned? bred? separately. Obviously.
Clones are engineered to be obedient and submissive to order and structure. CT has the most extreme levels of this alteration, meanwhile CC has less, due to their supposed strategic position in command they have to adjust to every possible scenario thrown at them, eventually concocting tactically effective battle plans.
Mutations and defective traits are different. Mutations are uniquely positive and genetically induced or by experiment, while defective traits pop up due to poor maintenance or accidents. Kaminoan scientists are willing enough to tolerate mutations as long as it causes no further problems (like Blue Eyes), while they deem the ones with defective traits totally unfit for combat (like 99).
So, to stress and/or narrow them down:
Clones, regardless of type, are capable of handling more stress and adapting to situations quickly.
#GodlikeKaminoanEngineering (or so they say): Nothing wrong with programming = wouldn't suffer trauma and/or related disorders. (Idk if this hypothetically would apply irl. If there's any legit research about this particularly, point me to the journal article lol I'd love to check it out tho I'm not a huge bio fan. Intriguing all the same.)
Nothing wrong with programming = wouldn't defect. Clone Force 99 is a special case, though. (This point is completely unrelated to Rex but I think still worth mentioning)
CT's aren't that much capable of putting all hands on deck in strategy talks (that's what the CC's are for). All they know is to wait for orders from command and follow them thoroughly and make sure the job's done. However, they may or may not develop those traits themselves and finally take initiative basically becoming a kriffin badass CC intern, like Rex.
Genetic mutations, as we know or may assume, consist of change in physical appearance. This could mean lighter skin tone, not-Jango-Fett eye color, or not-so-Jango-Fett hair color. This is due to recessive genes. Jango's sister Arla has natural blond hair, you guys.
Therefore, from my perspective, Rex is in possession of genetic mutations and definitely not defective traits.
Combined with his standard CT emotional intelligence, excellent combat skill, his (pre-Skywalker) undying love for order and structure, and if not little acts of valor that undeniably has to show during his cadet years (I mean it would carry on into his ARC training and first months of the Clone Wars that he's given jaig eyes), I see no reason why he would be bullied and shunned by the rest of his batch.
If any, they regard him with so much respect because he shines – gloriously – throughout his training and essentially be the local pride. He's their brother, after all! Their vod! That's how he would've caught Cody and the other's attention too.
☝🏼🤓 I do accept the fanon that he's a batch behind them. I can't think of a reason. Might as well be freeform. And it's cute.
So.
That's the baseline, for clones.
Now we move on to the man himself.
(on gif above) That is so Cody-coded, Rex.
(1) Decommissioned batchmates
Tbh not sure what being decommissioned means, but given the generally grim and threatening implication that it strikes enough terror and neck-breaking amount of trauma to Rex of this fanon, it's gotta mean being terminated(?). Correct me if I'm wrong, but for now I'm rolling with that.
Rex exhibits excellent capabilities on field during his training that it easily captures his trainer's attention. A transfer to the CC command training sounds possible, I think, since y'know, Ponds is a CT as well and I'd like to think he's above Rex that the rank Commander is permissible for him (yes yes Rex is given the Commander promotion but he turned it down because he favors fighting up in the front with his men I am a firm believer of this as well). So he just gets separated from his batchmates and situated himself in the new brotherhood.
Also here's my baseless debunking because I just don't know any of those biology-related stuff.
I just don't think every single of his batchmates are so defective that the Kaminoans pulled the genoc**e card. It's just... Not possible. Math and probability, anyone? Hello?
Assuming the only reason for being decommissioned is for possessing defective traits so bad that it's worse than 99, the Kaminoans have no excuse to pull the genoc**e card just because a clone gets blond hair instead of Jango's black hair. As much as I support them being the most ultimate of assholes, I don't think they'd waste resources just like that.
So, in conclusion of this one; I think not. Rex's batchmates are very much alive and well and kicking droid ass during campaigns :)
(2) Traumatized Rex
Fanon: Rex with child ab**e trauma and, in conjunction, PTSD because he witnessed his batchmates get decommissioned.
I shall assume he carries this trauma even to the Clone Wars period.
Oh hang on, okay, he's defective because he's traumatized? Or is it the other way around; he gets traumatized that it somehow affects his already-defected emotional intelligence? What about his coping mechanism, is it defected as well? If the decommissioning of his brothers affects him so much he couldn't cope and carries with him the trauma, I don't think he'd be fit to go further since the start, or even earn those jaig eyes.
One thing about Rex is that he's brave. Since we're working with existing materials to create this headcanon, and that the jaig eyes itself is important, the jaig eyes still gotta be there. He earns it because he commits acts of valor in the battlefield – because he is a man of honor. Rex is very much aware of his emotional state, aware of the proper time and place; when to break down and when to put on a strong façade, because he's that selfless. He puts his men first. He cares about his men. He regards every single troop as his brother. First in, last out. An inspirational figure with strong will, always trying his best being the prime example and morale to his men.
Aside from the genetic stress inhibitor traits, Rex is a strong man, physically and mentally. In line with my previous point about how implausible and improbable it is that every single of his batchmates gets decommissioned, with this fanon scenario, I don't think Rex would be some guy who easily succumbs to trauma. He'd push on through and survive, and lo and behold. Canon-wise, he does. Still does.
(3) Why is he bullied 😭
My poor little meow meow of a heart can't take it. I don't know what this version of Rex is supposed to be bullied for? But if it's because of his blond hair IT'S NOT DEFECTIVE TRAIT it's genetic mutation. Even the majority of the clones sport black hair and brown eyes Jango style and only some of them sport brown hair or lighter, and even fewer of blond hair. And the Kaminoans allow it, as seen in 302.
Look at him he's precious. Some may think he's overrated, but he's just being him. No wonder he's majority's favorite. So with all that said, I rest my case.
Sorry that took so long and much of your time, but for my part, I'm glad I got those out of me. I might write my Rex and the other's headcanon in the future. Mentioned I'm writing a Cadet!Rex fic, so there's the link, if you're interested.
And don't get me started with the natural vs dyed blond thing. I'm a firm believer that Rex is a natural blond, and I've written the reason somewhere above.
Thank you for coming to my TED talk. You may use this headcanon in your adaptations if you'd like. Cheers!
#captain rex#captain rex headcanon#ct 7567#star wars#star wars the clone wars#clone wars#yes i actually wrote this instead doing my homework#how irresponsible of me#*puts candles* i am manifesting fox's infinite energy#this is a character study#i try make it to be
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there are very few dramas that burrow their way so deep into my heart that they become a part of my soul, my conscience - don't get me wrong, i like/love A LOT of dramas (im a serial liker/lover you can say) - but with some dramas, it's like I have a perpetual hangover. Kinda like "the one - kdrama version" (assume the one to be a group with a small number of elements) (sorry my stem ass is showing) (also sorry for the endless brackets, my adhd is also showing)
Anyway, the point is i am pretty sure that Love Next Door is on the verge of joining this set already inhabited by Hometown Cha-Cha-Cha, Misaeng and My Mister.
#i love kdramas#they make me want to live life#is it sad?#maybe#but so am i as a person#i feel seen in bae seok ryu#this show has me in a chokehold#i CANNOT stop thinking about episode 9#i keep seeing the sad flashbacks of seokryu suffering and then current confrontation and cry#at least my tear glands are getting good exercise#god i should get back to work instead of word vomiting here#this is me journaling but not really journaling lol#why am i like this#ok now some actually useful tags instead of rants#love next door#jung hae in#jung so min#kdrama#tvn drama#netflix drama#bae seok ryu#choi seung hyo#choisseung#엄마친구아들#엄친아#misaeng#my mister#hometown cha cha cha#갯마을 차차차#나의 아저씨
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i have to say the disconnect between the traditional media and the actual fan sentiment is absolutely wild in F1 at the moment. take oscar's overtake on lando in turn 1 in monza. every single fan that i've spoken to irl or seen online thinks it was the best move ever, super exciting to watch, and all in all just good racing whereas every single journalist immediately got on air and cried about it (looking at you will buxton) and chose into the baku weekend to continue to villainise oscar to hell for not just acting as second driver (even though there were no team orders to do so).
#can trace this back to media trying to make lando the second coming and everyone going 'uh no he's really not all that lol' but#reminds me of the sainz vs. leclerc debate from earlier in the season but at a much larger scale#oscar piastri#anti lando norris#f1 journalism discourse#baku gp 2024
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redacted characters as things in my journal 🎀
relatively big tw - there's like vague to explicit mentions of su!cid3 and heavily implied mental self-esteem struggles in this one (i'm alright at the moment, promise) so if that's triggering to you, don't read. this is kinda heavy and maybe disturbing to read to some people i think.
i decided to do this because i though it was kinda fun and cool to like analyse my stuff and the characters a little bit. sorry if this offends anyone ig? idk 😭 i'll be back with the more lighthearted stuff in a couple days okay let's go ->
darlin: "my feelings aren't in my control most of the time. i don't know why i feel this way."
angel before they broke up with micheal: "i think is funny (but i also feel bad) that he's always talking about "getting married" and "forever" when i have a break up letter sitting in my notes."
freelancer: lyrics to "making the bed - olivia rodirgo"
darlin: "i don't wanna talk about him anymore."
damien: "i just want my mom. and i wish i could go up to her just bawling my fucking eyes out like i'm five-years-old without feeling like a fucking failure but i can't... i've survived long enough and i can do it some more."
darlin before sam: "and a part of me will always miss what once was or could have been. but i know they will never be long term, permanent, or reality. i wasn't created to have a happy ending... but i'm okay with this. it makes it easier to slip away and disappear."
cutie: i don't know what so say really. i just feel empty and alone often. i feel out of place. i feel like everything i do is humiliating or straight up wrong. i don't know what's wrong with me."
gavin: "try as i might, i still feel like i am not in my body. living vicariously... through myself?"
baabe: "i should know. my dad didn't want me enough to stay."
lasko: "man what a fucking baby. stop crying over shit that hasn't even happened."
damien before huxley: "i wish i was dead. do you think if [mom] knew she'd wish that too?" (knew that he was gay)
lovely: lyrics to "strangers - ethel cain"
darlin: "i hope it's not my fault when it's all over. i want one thing to not be my fault. but it probably will be."
angel: "why am i crying. again. over and over and over again. it's all i ever do. cry about this or cry about that."
milo post-inversion: "this hurts a lot more than i thought. the thought of feeling like this forever? it sucks."
freelancer: "fucking kill me. i can't breathe."
sam: "is it wrong to think i don't deserve this or that it's not my fault?"
lasko: "it feels like i'm always apologizing."
david: "it really hurts when i need to talk to [him] so bad but i can't."
huxley post-inversion/xavier's death: "is it just always going to feel like this? holy shit this hurts."
damien: "i'm sorry, mom, i'm sorry."
vincent: "the real me? i don't know who that is anymore."
angel: "one more or one less, nobody's worried. my tummy hurts."
darlin before sam: "i don't plan on feeling like this again. i don't plan on "being in love" ever again. as if i know what that feels like... it makes me feel like shit all the time."
cutie: "after this, i'll go back to being alone. like god intended."
asset: "it's kind of sad how i don't even feel like a person sometimes."
lovely: "every so often it hurts so much i think it's gonna rip me apart from the inside."
asher post-inversion: "and it's like, sometimes it straight up feels like i'm gonna die in that moment."
sweetheart: "my greatest sin to men was being a child."
damien: lyrics to "forwards beckon rebound - adrianne lenker"
#can you guess my kins lmfao#this was actually really fun#redacted asmr#redacted audio#redactedverse#redacted darlin#redacted sam#redacted david#redacted freelancer#redacted gavin#redacted milo#redacted damien#redacted asset#redacted asher#redacted sweetheart#redacted angel#redacted huxley#redacted lasko#redacted damn crew#redacted baabe#redacted vincent#redacted lovely#redacted cutie#journal entry#is this gonna get me cancelled :/#part two? lol
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Hobonichi updates 🖊 📖
#doodles#non fandom stuff#hobonichi tag#dailylife#hobonichi techo#well ok maybe some of it is fandom stuff but not enough for me to bother with the proper tags#i almost forgot i wanted to post this stuff!#but i remembered cause of the comic i did about today!!!#it was a really funny interaction. kids are so silly. it's fun to make them laugh#especially when they seem kinda stiff or nervous about asking questions#ah... there were a lot of other entries i coulda posted but I've been writing a lot of personal stuff#I've been going through so many like... mini mental health crises since late April#at the end of the year reading back through this journal is going to be interesting#and i hope i am in a better place mentally#or like. consistently. lol#anyway there u go enjoy the kai life journaling nonsense
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like man the parallels between stan and bill are so so so so so fascinating to me ough...... the most obvious thing is that they speak so similarly, often using the same terms and i can't help but wonder how intentional it all was on the part of the writers. biggest one being "eenie meenie miney you" to me, it's so specific.
it could simply be bill picking up stan's mannerisms through ford's memories to further appeal to ford (is that canon somewhere? i don't actually know but i see it mentioned a lot) but some of these are things bill still says and does even when ford is absent. for a being that's lived for trillions of years would terms he picked up only a couple decades ago cement themselves in his behaviour so much?
(also, has anyone ever brought up dreamscaperers' deleted scenes where bill summons a paddleball in the mindscape? stan does the same thing in his own mindscape in the finale. again, that's so specific i can't help but wonder how intentional it was or if it was just a coincidence. i know deleted scenes might not be the best to point to as evidence but i think i've only ever seen someone allude to in one fic and nowhere else?)
i havent read tbob and haven't really kept up much with the new info from it but i have seen the poem about stan and gosh like. it really does seem like it's being consistently hinted at over and over that there's something there with specifically bill and stan. the axolotl's poem was already eyebrow raising with how much of it could be applied to stan and now there's even more..
#idk what im trying to say lol im not smart enough to analyse shit#again i havent read tbob and havent really kept up much with the show's external media.. idek what's in the journal lol#picked up a lot solely through other people's fics and posts ahahha#gravity falls#same coin theory#sure ill tag it.. spare me if im stupid i kinda dont know where to look for the deeper lore stuff without buying the books myself lol#and all the videos i find are so like. idk. i dont like them. i dont like Overly Scripted Generic Narrator Voice it's grating to me#irritant irritant
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I know little of the Keepers and their cultural norms, but I suppose it should not come as a surprise that matters of grooming and personal maintenance should carry a more pragmatic connotation for those who live in such isolation - or perhaps our friend is simply strange, regardless of his context. I must admit: it was no small comfort to me, in those frigid days heralding the twilight of the Dragonsong War, to discover that our champion did not share our Sharlayan intuition toward personal space. Our more guarded companions don't always share my gratitude for the attention, but I believe that after our long estrangement, even the coldest of hearts could not fail to be warmed by such a gesture.
Wolcred Week 2024 Day 1: Warmth | Home
ok as mentioned in the tags i didnt have time to render a complete scene for this but i found this old mspaint sketch that demonstrates the Vibe. tyagoa just walked up behind him after cleaning up from their meal
#ffxiv#wolcred#wolcred week#wolcred week 2024#valerianart#caption is alphinaud journal entry#please imagine everyone is making camp and sitting down i simply did not have time to draw the wider context U_U#to be perfectly transparent i am doing the prompts kind of ass backwards and the degree of effort varies#but come sit with me and imagine#we can hold hands if you want#anyway tyagoa does a lot of Fussing post-vault#at the time it's really the only tell that things are. well. you know how things are.#i think little grieving alphie would soak that up like a sponge but it would come as quite the shock to the other returning scions#shtola probably had to set some polite but firm boundaries#but tyagoa would appreciate that#he likes knowing what his friends like#and vhasoa was frequently touch-averse so he doesnt take it as an insult or anything#anyway i think it's a combo of [gestures to heavensward] and the way that traveling through the wilderness with a small group feels like#well#like home to him#that kind of shortcuts through all the Eorzean Social Customs that he's learned to navigate#i hc his tribe as being very casually tactile with each other#to the extent that something like this doesn't even register as intimacy#not to him anyway LOL
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I've decided to take a particular spin with this year's entries and emphasize the fact that i titled this blog "the personal journal and scrapbook of Elilgeim 'Ellie' Wiltarwyn". hopefully that will make the creative juices flow easier, especially since i'm post-surgery and in painkiller hibernation so that's a pretty severe debuff lol. sooo:
FFXIV Write 2024 | #1: Steer
Word Count: 436
Fourth Umbral Moon, 23rd Sun
Cid stopped by the house today - surprising, and welcome with how long it’s been. Even more surprising was the vehicle he arrived upon: a prototype magitek bike that runs off a “twin-bank ceruleum” engine, whatever that means. Somehow he had convinced Jessie to have me be the one to test-drive it, put it through its paces. They seem to think I’d be the one most likely to wring the most potential out of it, and he also alluded to Jessie determining I’d be the most marketable person and therefore the best candidate to show it off.
I must admit, even after all this time, I still don’t understand Jessie’s business acumen and I’m not certain I wish to. That being said, when I took it for a spin later that evening, with Mia as passenger holding on tight from behind… it was an amazing sensation, like those manacutters but without the pesky third dimension. The thing (Cid says its model is called the Garlond GL-II, but I’m thinking she needs a sexier name than that) can outspeed chocobos, and feeling the wind in my hair as we sliced a path through the Lominsan plains posed a thrill I haven’t felt since well before Ultima Thule.
Every day, I’m grateful for these peaceful times we fought so bloody hard for - for the chance to engage in fun times like this, testing inventions by good friends. Some days, I still wonder how I ended up in this position of trust for so many, with someone as famous and genius as Cid Garlond entrusting me with his prototype vehicles of dubious safety. I mentioned this to Mia when we stopped for a break near Red Rooster Stead, and she just smiled and pointed out that I’ve done a lot of work to ingratiate myself with so many influential figures. “Which is funny, considering how rude and standoffish you were when we first joined the Scions,” she teased as well. “You certainly put in the effort to become a much more agreeable person overall.”
Couldn’t let her get away with that - “You know that that’s your fault,” I shot back at her with a grin, “you steered me along those paths to become that person - away from the whole ‘reckless brute’ thing you kept calling me back then.”
She looked stunned by the idea, but smiled back eventually in that coy-yet-comfortable manner that arrests my gaze every time. If she insists I’m such a good person, then she should get to feel good about helping me reach that point too. For being that person in the first place.
#ffxivwrite#ffxivwrite2024#my fanfiction#ffxiv fanfiction#ellie's journal entries#i woke up too late to put too much time into the gpose unfortunately so this is what i got lol#“steer” made me immediately think of steering the motorcycle but ended up not really being able to work that in there oh well
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PoE journal part... 5? where i was forced to face the inevitable challenge of learning how to draw dragons (previous entries here)
entering spoilers territory maybe!
I loooved speaking to the gods and reading those dream-like encounters with them, probably one of my favorite parts of the game so far.
also the adra dragon fight? big fan of her killing everyone in the party in one hit! what the hell
#i did manage to beat her but last time i played this game it's literally where i stopped playing cuz i got frustrated lol#my art#fan art#poe#pillars of eternity#pallegina#Hylea#Galawain#me when reading the galawain enconunter: this can be so gay if I draw it right#i don't think i did it justice but eh i tried :)#game journaling#video game journaling#game journal#video game journal#rpg#crpg#traditional art#digital art#its both baby#i dont know how to draw birds or dragons or like most things of course we be learning#this is great practice#im really slowing down huh#never gonna finish the game at this point hehe#poe journal
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me all day all nite fr
#mokey my beloved#me n my journal/notes app against the world#really feeling like her lately#i drew this for a discord emoji but nobody cared/saw lol#fraggle rock#muppets#lil doodle#my art <3#frootbats
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The thing is Honey is Supposed to be unattractive (by conventional standards) to Everyone... Guys who want skinny dudes won't like him, guys who want fat dudes won't like him either and guys who want muscular dudes definitely won't like him, his hair is a mess in a way that isn't really pretty; the point is he's kinda ugly in a failboy loser way... But it doesn't get him down... That's how I see myself irl so it's why Honey turned out this way
#more journaling#not that honey IS me; he's not written as nor intended as a self insert#just that specific aspect of his design is important to me because of my personal relationship with like#knowing im not really a pretty person irl but idgaf and it doesn't affect me at all#really the only direct (?) self insert aspect of his design is we both have the same hair lol#although my relationship with drawing food art and how it helped me view food a different way and get out of being underweight#was somewhat implimented into honey's relationship with loving food and also recovering from being underweight (which is why he's the oc#im the most firm with wrt his body type being faithful whenever ive commed stuff
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.~
#not a vent just a journal entry (feel free to scroll past; there is no snz here and this is also not that interesting)#realizing now that i never thought of myself as#someone whose absence would register to others in any other way than just neutral/detached recognition?#phrasing this really badly and i am truly going to delete this later bc it is embarrassing LOL#i think when i was young and posting all this fic into questionable places (the f*rum) i was like#(@ an unfinished work of mine) no way anyone could be bothered by these cliffhangers 👍 they can just imagine the ending#even though i would frequently be bothered by other people's cliffhangers. that exact same principle just wouldn't apply to me in my head#and when i did not respond to people i was like.. i'm sure i wasn't really an important part of their lives so they won't mind it#if i stepped away?#i never really entertained the concept of people missing me or looking forward to my responses 😭 i never thought of myself as someone worth#missing... so when i disappeared it was always with little to no sense of guilt. i think even now i struggle with#seeing myself as someone that inhabits like a tangible enough space in other people's lives that my absence would be felt#(and i don't mean that in a morbid way. and i do recognize that it's quite hypocritical)#on the flipside of things i frequently miss people and look forward to their responses. and sometimes i wonder like#do they all know? do they all know that i miss them because they somehow understand this aspect of human nature better than i do?#or are they in the dark like i am? are these things assumed or are they only known when they are said... 😭#i am a little bit of a coward so i am not saying anything (also because can you even say this kind of thing to someone??#i would probably die of embarrassment) but#how strange it is to have someone suddenly inhabit a space in your life that is substantial enough that#when they're gone you feel that space open up and you miss them#the few times in my life people have conveyed that sentiment to me i remember feeling puzzled that my presence could have that kind of#weight to them. i think my problem is that i purposefully do not read between the lines if the conclusion is something favorable towards me#because i don't want to bank on something good that might or might not be true 😭 anyways this is way too long already. if you read this#then good morning or goodnight
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trying to use my journal more
#journal#commonplace book#filofax#i might start making these little to-do list sticky notes in addition to my planner/calendar pages#i do really love my little journal i use the planner page everyday#i just want to start actually journaling a bit more often + do more commonplacing#idk if any of you guys care lol but let me know if you want me to talk about it more/share more photos i guess!
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small blessings: managed to get my adhd meds refilled this month!!
#void journal#i really don’t take them as prescribed due to supply chain issues#so i usually just sub in smoking a sativa strain whenever i need to concentrate lol#which SUPER WORKS but unfortunately makes me barf
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I may be insane
I made THREE s/i concepts since I was having trouble choosing a race, and it actually forced me to go against my knee jerk reaction and I ended up going with something I wouldn't have considered initially!
#jane journals#self insert talk#final answer: half-elf paladin with a sage background!!#i wouldnt have considered ANY of those things really!! but as i was doing research i put together a few things#and this ended up being a rly interesting combo that gave me interesting ideas for a character!#her personality and her disposition too#all my s/is are some part of me#maybe not 100% me but pieces of me i choose to explore or bring into focus (unless theyre power fantasies lol)#im loving this paladin s/i tho shes so cute#her curiosity is insatiable and can turn her a bit macabre at times and she has a bit of a manic edge#she'll kick your ass with one hand and a book in the other ajfjfkg
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