#this is just so depressing im gonna go lie down somewhere

[eremin0109]

My heart just absolutely breaks thinking what if Majima knew beforehand that Kiryu's days were numbered but he was in denial, refusing to believe that a fucking illness of all things would put the nail in the Dragon's coffin. So when they finally meet in that shack, he starts their conversation with a taunt, because he needs to see it for himself to believe it. To come to terms with the fact that Kiryu is actually dying.

And so, they fight. It gets real ugly real quick and by the end of it, Majima's eye is glazed over with a terrifying realisation as he stands over Kiryu's beaten body, his breathing more laboured than it had any right to be.

Going into the fight, Majima wanted to be absolutely crushed by those large hands, years of pent up feelings and frustration being pounded down onto him. That way he'd know that the Dragon was still alive and kicking. That his Kiryu-chan was not actually dying an excruciatingly slow death.

But his victory rings like a funeral toll in his ears. This is all wrong. Kiryu Kazuma is supposed to his perfect rival, his true equal. The only one who could tame the Mad Dog. Not the bleeding, coughing mess of a man that laid underneath him. This couldn't be happening.

But when Kiryu looked at Majima, he felt more than saw the remnants of wildfire in the Dragon's eyes, flickering away more and more by the second. It took every single fibre of Majima's being to not end the poor bastard's life right there.

What was the use anyway—the Dragon was already dead.

[designernishiki]

I saw your post where you said something like «Kiryu and Mayumi slept in the same bed for six months» and... I kina doubt it. This bed is too small for two people, it hardly accommodates Kiryu, given his size. So she was probably either sleeping on the floor or sleeping somewhere else.

For some reason I always thought that she didn't live with him at all, just came there from time to time. If you look at the apartment where Kiryu lives, you can see that there are only his things there and no other things. And I don't remember exactly, but Mayumi's profile at the beginning of the game says something like «she's disappointed that their relationship won't get off the ground» or something like that. So, yes, the poor girl was desperate for him while he was in his le gay depression phase.

okay so I was waiting to answer this until I started legit playing 5 so I could have a bit more context and whatnot and now I have done that and hdhxjcjdjv boy do I have a lot of thoughts. warning: this is kinda long.

so I can clarify now that– yeah– they weren’t actually living together technically, she would just come over a lot and spend the night there regardless of his opinion on it (which typically was “you should go home” or “you should stay at your own place for once” no im not just being mean, those are both almost word-for-word). she does have slippers there by the door that denote she’s there often, but his apartment’s pretty barren overall, which to me says less about her being around or not, and more about him probably only going home when he needs to sleep or runs out of things to do, not hanging around there much otherwise– he’s got no books, no radio, nothing. just an ashtray on the table. It’s safe to say it’s not a place he enjoys being in.

And yeah, it’s bizarre how many people say “kiryu had a girlfriend for six months” despite her profile and kiryu himself in dialogue stating… kind of the opposite? ie; that they were not a couple, kiryu was disinterested in her, and their lack of a relationship/kiryu’s lack of interest was frustrating to her. She was never his girlfriend despite her giving her all to get him to budge, and that’s kind of an important part of the dynamic.

(here’s her character profile for reference.)

As for the bed thing… honestly I’ve got no idea how that worked. cause you’re totally right, that bed is SMALL– relatively small for kiryu alone let alone two people, and she wasn’t legit living there so obviously she didn’t have her own room or anything. so my bet’s either that there was a futon that could be rolled out, since that’s pretty common in japan, or that she slept kinda cuddled up close to him and he just sort of laid there stiffly not really sure what to do about it– probably wearing him down with the good ol “well there’s only one bed and I wouldn’t want either of us to have to sleep on the floor…” one night, and she took that and ran with it from then on. either way, also of note, whenever she was around (or could show up at any time) he wore a full sweatsuit, even while in bed. yeah you could blame it on it being winter and all, but come on man who he hell wears a sweatshirt and sweatpants to bed. I think he was just genuinely uncomfortable with the idea of being unclothed in close quarters with her.

it seems like he wasn’t sleeping much in the first place anyway, so I don’t doubt he’d end up slipping away and falling asleep either on the floor or at the table or whatever at times. we know he’s not a big fan of being touched and cuddled or whatever when he doesn’t want it/by almost anyone, so I think it’d just be an ongoing losing battle between not wanting to be too harsh or rude, and preserving his own comfort and boundaries. as an autistic guy who’s particular about his sleeping conditions and necessary privacy myself, it kind of sounds like a nightmare not gonna lie.

anywho. I don’t wanna sound too negative towards mayumi as a character or anything, but it’s pretty straightforward that she was imposing on him quite a bit and did go beyond his boundaries at a time when he was especially emotionally vulnerable– and he let her in because she was in a place of vulnerability, at least so he thought. there’s plot reasons for her persistence in being there to an extent, and maybe that’s why she didn’t take the very very obvious hint that he was not interested in her and not just playing hard to get (is it really a hint when he tells her directly to her face? whatever you get it)

[laylaisthename]

you know im down bad when im actually posting my fics on tumblr.

-

Lincoln McQuoid/M!MC || SFW || 3900 words :pensive: ||

Fic about two guys with terrible birthday experiences that are trying to do better. Set in a theoretical time after everything's been resolved. Timeline doesnt exactly match up since we're probably like a week away in game from Linc’s birthday but uuuh just pretend ok.

tw; mentions of under (american) age drinking (idk im european and he's 18 so its fine to me) 

"Lincooooln." Horus calls lazily from the couch.

"What?"

"You know what day it is?"

Lincoln pads into the living room, his eyes narrowing at Horus. "The day the Elric brothers set their house on fire?"

Horus snorts, "Of course you would say that you weeb. Aaaand...what else is today?"

Lincoln sighs. "Who told you?"

"I'll let you take one guess at who'd be texting me about your well-being."

He buries his face in his hands and lets out another deep, soul-weary sigh.

"Abel says to tell you 'happy birthday' and to make sure that, quote 'he doesn't spend the whole day moping around his apartment alone watching daytime tv and getting drunk.' unquote. Ouch. You really spend your birthdays like that?"

There's a thoughtful frown on Lincoln's face, a look that Horus knows a little too well by now. He opens his arms invitingly, and a small smile plays on Lincoln's lips as he moves to join him on the couch, resting against his chest.

"Bad birthday memories?" Horus asks.

"Melancholic ones. I told you what happened on my seventh birthday. My mom still tried after that but it just... hasn't been the same since. And then I lost touch with Abel, and she..." his words trail off. 

Horus' voice is quiet when he responds. "I know. I'm sorry." 

Unsure of what else to say he simply wraps Lincoln in his arms. Instinctively Horus' eyes flicker to the empty spot on the wall where Silvia's portrait used to hang, a pang of guilt lancing through his heart. He must have apologized a thousand and one times already, but it still never felt like enough. Sometimes he catches Linc glancing over too, expecting it to still be there- for her to still be there. 

His thumb subconsciously moves to twist at his mother's ring. It was a feeling he knew well. 

"Okay I'm gonna be real depressing here," he starts, "but stay with me on this. Every year on my birthday my dad used to take us to this nice Egyptian restaurant. I'd get baklava and chocolate cake and some damn good chicken and then we'd go home and watch any movie of my choice, so we'd usually end up watching A New Hope again."

"And you're calling me a weeb? Nerd."

"Shut up, I'm being genuine here for once in my fucking life. Anyway. Point is. We'd get dinner, watch a movie together, I got some gifts, and it was the best day I could wish for. Then after... everything happened, Amalia and her parents took me out somewhere." He takes a moment to gather himself. Talking about the past five years was still hard at times, actually telling the truth of his hurt rather than lie and say he was fine. "I spent my eighteenth birthday crying my eyes out on the floor of a restaurant bathroom. Told Lia I got food poisoning, but I knew she didn't buy it. Next birthday was barely any better. Amalia was off to college by then, so me and my new best friend 'Fake ID' hit up every bar in town for a free drink for the birthday boy. I vaguely remember making out with some hot girl in a bathroom stall, but mostly I just remember feeling incredibly alone. And, well, nauseous."

"Is this story going anywhere or are you rambling?"

"Right. I'm trying to be profound. Well, tl;dr, birthdays sucked. At 20 I ignored my birthday and 21 I got shitfaced again, but this time legally. Then this year I happened to find myself in the area after a hunt. So I walked into that Egyptian restaurant, I got myself dinner and some baklava, found the nearest movie theater and watched, uh," he falls quiet for a moment, thinking hard, "I don't remember the movie's name, it was pretty forgettable I'll be honest. But it was the best day I'd had in longer than I'd like to admit. Whenever I closed my eyes I could almost feel my family sitting next to me. My dad's lame jokes, my mom's laughter. Annie stealing food off my plate when she thought I wasn't looking..." Horus is quiet for a moment. "Sorry, I'm making it about me again."

Lincoln turns over in his arms to face him. "It's alright. Honor their memory instead of burying it deep, right?"

"Yeah. But, if you do wanne just laze around all day and watch shitty movies I'm down for that too." he tightens his arms around him a little. 

Lincoln hums, lying his head back down on Horus' chest, and he wonders if Lincoln could hear how his heart raced. Neither of them would spend another birthday alone if he had any say in it. They lay there a little while longer in comforting quiet.

Lincoln rouses after a while, quieting Horus' whine with an achingly sweet kiss as he heaves himself off the couch. "I think I know what I want to do today."

***

Their first stop was Westchester Elementary. Lincoln hadn't told Horus what exactly they'd be up to, wanting it to be a surprise. It was a warm autumn day, the warmth of summer not quite gone yet. 

The sounds of children playing outside  accompanied by a quiet ambiance of rustling leaves and birds' song. It was strange how nice Westchester could be when horrible men and creatures weren't actively terrorizing it. 

"So, this is where baby Linc took his first steps into becoming a menace to society?" 

He rolls his eyes, but smiles regardless, "You know Russ, I don't actually know much about what you were like as a kid." 

"Me? A model student once they got me to stop cutting up my clothes." 

"That's what I thought." he holds out his hand, and by now it's second nature for Horus to grasp it as they walk along. Lincoln leads them to the side of the building, stopping before they round the corner. 

"Close your eyes for me?" 

For me.

The gentleness in Linc's voice over shadows any dirty jokes in Horus' mind. He simply smiles, "Alright." letting Lincoln lead him a little further away with his eyes closed. 

He stops Horus, grabbing him by the shoulders and turning him around. 

"Okay, now, open your eyes." 

So he does. And before him, Horus sees something that was-

A stunningly painted mural adorned the old plaster, a deep indigo blue of a night sky, swirling into the yellows and pinks of dawn. Against that backdrop was the silhouette of a woman, leading a chain of children of different ages toward the light of a new day under a bright shining star. More stars dotted the dark sky, painted in such a way that they almost seem to shimmer in the sunlight. Among them Horus managed to recognize a few constellations; the Scales of Libra, Aries the Ram, the Eagle Aquila, the Archer Orion-

His eyes flit to Lincoln, who in turn is watching him with searching eyes and a kind smile. 

"It's gorgeous." Horus says after another breath. It was hard to put into words, but it felt as if a hopeful wish had been put into every brushstroke. 

Having apparently found what he was looking for, Lincoln turns to the mural. "My mother painted this. She told me she started the first draft a few weeks after she found out she was pregnant. The actual mural didn't go up until I enrolled here, and I got special permission to 'help' her out during recess." 

They walk up close, where painted in white, surprisingly neat, yet childish letters;

LINCOLN & 

and then in a beautiful curling script;

Silvia McQuoid

Lincoln traces his fingers along the letters, closing his eyes, a smile painting his lips. 

"There's more murals like these all around town. She'd always say this was her way of giving back a little kindness into the world. Something to inspire people." his eyes open again, looking up at the silhouette. "A couple were painted before I was born, but I loved coming along whenever I could. She always insisted that even if I just painted a single line, that I'd put my name up next to hers."

"She sounds awesome, wish I could have met her."

"She would have loved you, I'm sure of it." 

Horus laughs, "Ha! You're just saying that because I'm your boyfriend." 

Lincoln bumps his shoulder, "I mean it, Russ. Someone so full of life like you? She'd be making wedding plans after our first date." 

Horus was not a shy or bashful man by a long shot, so the blush creeping up to his ears and the sudden stutter in his throat caught him off guard. His eyes flick over to Lincoln, who also seems to realize what he'd said with a start. He didn't want to read into it too much, his racing mind already looking for a way to change the topic, but a small voice in the back of his head tells him that if Lincoln had asked him right here, right now, that he would not mind at all. But then a suitable deflection comes to mind, blurted out a little too tense, a little too fast. 

"I already promised to take you out for dinner today, no need to butter me up."

"Maybe I'm hoping to get free dessert too." 

"I dunno, you find me a dark and quiet corner and I can get right on that if you're so impatient." 

"At an elementary school? Really?" 

"Ah, you're right. So are we going to your highschool next? Behind the bleachers maybe." 

Lincoln laughs again, "Speaking of dinner, there's a few more murals I wanted to show you. Come on." Linc turns to head back to the motorcycle. 

It was like a light bulb flickering to life over Horus' head as he realized exactly what he would get Lincoln for his birthday. He pulls out his phone, sending out a dozen texts as they walk, nearly missing the helmet Linc tosses him. 

The last message is off and confirmed by the time they reach the second mural, and hours blur by as they ride all over Westchester. Every painting is somehow more gorgeous than the last, accompanied by anecdotes from Lincoln about inspirations, color choices, meanings. It was something incredibly dear to his heart, anyone could tell. 

Horus steps up close to Lincoln, leaving a kiss on his cheek. "Thank you."

"For what?" 

"Sharing this with me. But," he reaches his hand into Linc's back pocket, pulling out the motor keys, "I have a surprise for you too." 

Lincoln raises a brow, but doesn't make to grab for the keys. "Where are we going exactly?" 

"Ah-ah, wouldn't be a surprise anymore if I told you. But it's close by, I promise."

***

It's a short drive over. Horus parks the motor out on the side of the road, walking ahead down an alleyway to the back. 

And as his friends had promised, strewn around a blank wall was everything needed to paint a mural of their own. 

Brushes in all sizes, a dozen different colors of paint, lights that illuminated a smooth, blank canvas waiting to be filled. Off to the side lay a cooler filled with drinks, and a bag full of takeout food. 

"But how…?"

Horus counts it off on his fingers, "Had Connor call in some favors at city hall for the permit, Lia brought the food, Joss got us drinks, Dee and Noah took care of the supplies, aaand," Horus lets out a sharp whistle, and Abel appears from around the corner carrying a cake, followed by the rest of their merry little gang. A chorus of "Happy birthday, Lincoln." rises from the group. Joss rolls her eyes. 

"I'm just here for the cake." she nods her head toward Abel. 

Linc's eyes grow wide."Is that…?" 

"My mom's recipe? Yeah, I promised, didn't I?" 

Horus pulls a lighter from his pocket, lighting the candles. 

"Happy birthday to you." Abel starts, and Horus, Amalia, Connor and Dee are quick to join in, "Happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear Lincoln, happy birthday to youuu." 

The look in Lincoln's eyes is part horrified, part touched and wholly embarrassed as the song comes to an end. 

"C'mon make a wish." 

Lincoln walks up and thinks for a moment, and if Horus wasn't head over heels before, then the way that the candlelight flickered in Linc's eyes surely would have done the trick now. The moment passes as he closes his eyes, blowing out the candles in one big breath. 

"Let's see if this cake lives up to the hype." Noah walks up, knife in hand, offering it to Lincoln to cut the first piece. 

Abel looks offended, "You doubt my baking skills?" 

"Cut him some slack," Connor says, "being a ghost for a few years made him forget his manners." 

Noah just shrugs, taking back the knife to cut up pieces for the rest as Lincoln takes the first one. 

The silence is broken by an incredibly inappropriate moan from Lincoln that almost sets something off in Horus. But that would have to wait until he had him all to himself.

"Just as good as you remember?" Abel says, unable to keep a large, goofy grin off his face. 

"Better somehow." he takes another large bite. 

Horus is handed a piece next and wastes no time shoving a large piece into his mouth. "Oh shit, this is good." Agreements ring out as everyone digs in. Their impromptu party is however quite short lived.

"As much as I wish I could stay," Abel says, "I was in the middle of grading papers that I really need to finish by tomorrow."

 Amalia pipes up, "I should go too, I got a long drive ahead to get back in time for my lectures tomorrow if I want to get any sleep. Cake was totally worth it, though." 

Connor walks up to Dee and Noah, slinging his arms around their shoulders. "The three of us promised Harper we'd stop by tonight to check something out, so we should get going too." 

Jocelyn grabs another bite off the last slice of cake. "And I'm not hanging around to play third wheel to these two, so bye."

Horus waves her off. "Good night, Joss." 

"Night, Red. Keep the old man’s spine intact.”

“Old man? I’m not even 30 yet.” Lincoln replies.

“I make no promises about his ability to walk tomorrow.”

Jocelyn grins, “Nice.” and heads off.

Abel hangs back for a moment, watching the others leave. He walks over to Lincoln, whose eyes still betray his feelings of guilt. Apologies were exchanged a while ago, but Horus could tell that Lincoln still had a hard time letting go of the hurt he caused. 

"Abel, I-" but his words are cut off as Abel envelopes him in a hug. Lincoln hesitates for a moment, before hugging him back. 

Abel lets him go, a kind smile on his face. "Happy birthday, old friend." he turns to Horus, giving him a nod, and Horus nods back. 

And just like that it was only the two of them left again. Horus polishes the last crumbs off his plate, quietly thanking Abel and his mother for what was maybe the best cake he'd had, ever. 

Lincoln walks up and hugs him tightly, burying his face in Russ' neck. And now it was Horus' turn to stand there for a moment, unsure of what to do, before he returns the gesture. 

"Thank you," the words are a quiet murmur against the crook of his shoulder. "Thank you."

"I'm glad you like it." 

"No, I liked spending the day with you. You doing this for me? I love it. I-" he hesitates on the word. Lincoln pulls back a bit, cupping Russ' face in his hands. "It means a lot to me. I just don't know what to paint." 

He pulls him in for a kiss, short and sweet. But being pressed up against Lincoln's back all day on the motorcycle has left Horus with a desire for something more than that. He walks Lincoln backwards until his back hits the empty plaster wall, nearly tripping over a bucket of paint in his haste. He opens his mouth, and it was delicious, both of them still tasting of whipped cream and cake. 

Lincoln flips them, so Russ' back is now to the wall and pulls back. A groan escapes him as he leans forward after Lincoln, 

"Don't move." he places another kiss along his jaw. 

"Hm?" 

"I just figured out what I want to paint."

Horus stood there, chest heaving, pupils blown wide. "You're just going to leave me like this?" 

He laughs, a bright and joyful sound, "I didn't exactly bring lube along." 

"I'll run to the corner store and make the most suspicious purchase of my fucking life, I'll even throw in some roses, don't test me."

Lincoln comes back with a bucket of paint and brush in hand. "You can do whatever you want to me back at my apartment. Just keep still." 

He opens the can, a deep blue, and gets to work tracing an outline around Horus, lingering around his hands, leaving kisses as he goes along. Up his arm, over his shoulder, a kiss under his ear. 

"You're making it very hard to stand still, you know." 

"Better keep at it. Don't want to get paint in your hair- hold out your hand a little."

Horus does as asked, moving as little as possible, as Lincoln traces the paint over his head and down his right side. 

Lincoln steps back, admiring his handiwork- or maybe admiring Horus. With the way his eyes darted around it was hard to tell. He turns, reaching for a new brush and another can of bright red paint. It doesn't escape Russ that it's the same shade as the color of his hair. Lincoln holds them out for him to take. 

Horus shakes his head "I'm not much of an artist."

"Just the rough outline, I'll take care of the details." Lincoln stands with his back against the wall, hand overlapping with the silhouette of Horus beside him. 

"Alright, fine. For the birthday boy." 

Horus then realized that he probably had not held a paintbrush in his hands in a decade, if not more. He wasn't nervous per se, but still very cautiously went to work, part of him afraid to mess it all up. He kneels down to get started by Lincoln's legs. The red paint stands in stark contrast against the gray wall, overflow dripping down, and suddenly Horus freezes. 

His hands shake, breath catching in his throat, whole body tense and ready to spring. Blood dripping down the brush, out of a creature's mouth, covering his hands his eyes seeping into his chest the ground thick in the air-

A hand clamps on his arm and distantly his name reaches his ears -"Russ!"- his father telling him to run, Annie calling after him- he tries to pull away, hand balling into a fist so tight that his knuckles ran white, nails digging into his palm, fight or flight instincts setting in and he was afraid and wanted to, no had to fight there was no one else left-

"Horus!" Lincoln's hands frame his face, forcing him to look into his eyes. 

"I'm-" the word comes out as a ragged breath. Adrenaline ebbs out, his heart still racing at a thousand miles a minute, but he was back in the here and now at least. Realizing what had just happened, Horus slaps on his trademark grin, the gesture not quite reaching his eyes. "I'll get lost in your eyes like this." 

"You're shaking." 

His hands still tremble a bit as he pries himself loose, "Low blood sugar, you know how it is. Maybe we should eat some of the take-out before it goes completely cold." he drops the brush back into the bucket, avoiding looking at it too closely. 

"Horus-"

"There's one with chicken and one with beef, which do you want?"

Lincoln wraps himself around him from behind, plucking the beef noodles from the bag. "Talk to me, Russ. You were gone for a moment there." 

Horus hops up onto a crate, opening his food up, his voice quiet, but finding its confidence as he talks. "Ugh. It doesn't usually happen, red is my favorite color, and I've seen worse whenever I need to dye my hair again- seriously makes my bathroom look like someone died there." he lets out a breath, combing his fingers through his hair, "but, I guess the paint just… took me off guard. I'll be fine after I eat something." 

Lincoln sits next to him, frowning, 

"I should have realized-" 

"Don't. Don't start pitying me or, fuckin' saying its your fault. We were just making such good progress in getting you to stop blaming everything on yourself-" 

"That's not true," Linc says matter-of-fact, "I blame plenty on Matthias." 

Horus laughs. "True. But, yeah. I don't want my little episode to ruin this. I won't let it." He nods over, gesturing for Lincoln to go stand at the wall once they're done eating. 

His hand still shakes a little as he traces the outline around him, but everything was further from Horus' mind now. Focus on the motions, focus on his warmth, his voice-

"Look at that. You're a natural." Lincoln says as he draws the final line, vaguely linking the hands of the silhouettes together. 

"Are you gonna start pulling out gold stars next, or what?" He grabs himself a soda from the cooler, and a beer for Lincoln,

"Is that something I'll need to keep in mind?" 

"Everyone likes being told they're doing a good job, no? Don't worry about the drinking by the way, I'll drive us back." 

"Sure, but if I start lamenting about Naruto, cut me off." 

"No, please tell me more about how Naruto and that black haired guy were totally in love." 

"Oh, like you're any better about your space movies." 

"I just have a lot of feelings about the Clones, okay!" 

Conversation flows and time flies as Horus watches Lincoln get to work. It was mesmerizing to see how the piece came together, stroke by stroke; two silhouettes, hand in hand with a ribbon tying their hands together. Horus' figure set in a royal blue, Lincoln framed by an explosive red, the tie that binds them red on one side, blue on the other. The message rang clear; I’m a part of you, you’re a part of me.

"Now all that's left," Lincoln cracks open a black can of paint, dipping in a smaller brush. "is signing it."

He signs his name in beautiful curling letters;

Lincoln & 

Before holding out the brush to Horus, who glady, if a bit messily, adds his name underneath;

Horus Asar

[heyharoldsboo]

Been lurking on the Percy stuff on twitter, tumblr and insta these past few days. Found your blog, I read everything. I dont think I believe these girls but tbh it makes me feel like im a crap human being. I legit feel like shit because what if he did something to someone and those victims are getting shut down and bullied online.

But if he didnt do anything and they are just using this for revenge over some petty high school drama and falling out then omg. I cant even imagine what this kid went through in the past month. The humiliation, the name calling, the worry about his future, those freaking nudes. I would be in a depression by now no joke. I would be thinking about killing myself. If he is innocent for the love of God I hope he has good, supportive and calm people around him.

Im sorry to write to you while everyone seems to be caught up, but I just have this awful feeling in my chest about all this. I miss the days when I just used to fight about Xavier vs Tyler. Those were the days. Now I just feel like an disgusting human being for not believing everything these girls have said. Its been hard as a fan not gonna lie and not knowing the actual truth ever will be so hard to deal with.

I know that this is still relatively new and that maybe once he appears with Jenna somewhere or Georgie things will be better maybe, hopefully I dont know. But until then I dont think that little rock in the middle of my chest will go away every time I think about this.

This Wednesday fandom is very toxic I find, more than any other I have been a part of so far. I hope things get better, thats all I can do at this point, just hope

Hey anon. Please don't apologise, I am sorry it took me so long to find you buried under the other asks.

It's okay to not be "caught up". And it's okay to not believe in these girls. You aren't disbelieving on them to be a horrible person, you are because their stories have changed so many times. I have thought a lot about what you said - what if he did do something? And the conclusion to my thought process is this: these girls had 2 weeks where they were heavily supported online. They could have brought forth evidence. Gone to the police. Found anyone that he actually did something to, even if he never did anything to them, and their stories really are all lies. But they didn't. And they tried. They tried a lot to imply that there were more victims. No one came forth. Only victims of people Percy had been friends with. And that he isn't friends with anymore. He isn't responsible for anyone's actions other than his.

If he did do something to someone (and I don't believe this because no one came forth with actual evidence while he was being heavily canceled by the internet...) these girls screwed any chance of anyone believing. They have wronged this so much, that they made it way more difficult to any victim to come forth about a celebrity abusing them in the future. They are hurting real victims.

My best friend @heavenlyvixen has made a couple of posts about this. You should read it. And if you ever need, come to my chat.

You are NOT a horrible person for not believing them. It just means you have critical thinking skills.

And I agree with you - Wednesday fandom is the most toxic one I have been in a decade. There are some really good people here though, and they make it worth it.

[compassionatereminders]

Hi sorry for the long ask. i think i might have depression or something. I just feel like im always looking at people through some kind of mask, idk. Like i dont fit in anywhere. And sure at work that might just be normal for me bc ive always been a bit different than everyone else but i also feel like i have to pretend to be someone im not even with my best friend. Im just very low on energy all the time. I used to like art i think? I dont even remember if i actually liked it or just pretend i like it. Right now i feel like ive just been saying i like art because it's always been like that but do i really still like it? I sometimes dont draw for months. I feel like im not good enough at work, im a graphic designer but im not creative at all and im being compared to my coworker by my boss and it sucks. I just started my job 2 months ago but i already want to quit but i dont know what else i want to do. The only thing im maybe a bit decent and interested in is design and art even though i dont know if i even like it or if i just pretended to like it for too long that i dont know the difference anymore. On top of this my dad is sick and its incurable and he's literally gonna die soon and he's too young to die.

I just feel like something is wrong with me, at this point im hoping something is wrong with me so it can be fixed. I dont want this to just be my personality. But i dont really want to seek professional help because i dont want my mom to worry. There's so much going on for her already, im the person she depends on the most right now and i dont want to make this more difficult. And of course i also feel like its not bad enough to really count as any mental illness or something. I mean it's not that bad, it might just the the winter season that's making me sadder than usual. And the entire situation im in. And also the fact that i just dont know what i want regarding my job. So its not that weird that im low on energy and i dont want to draw something for my friend that he asked for even though i have 4 days in the week i dont have to work. But i dont draw on those days, i only watch series all day. In the morning i lie down on the couch and in the evening i get up to go back to bed and that was my entire day yesterday and Wednesday. Just no motivation to do anything fun other than this.

You dont have to diagnose me or anything but any personal thoughts on this?

Btw i started following your blog because somewhere last year when i could feel myself just needing some encouragement and positivity. The posts really did cheer me up a little for a while.

While I won't try to diagnose you, it does sound like you are genuinely struggling - and even if this does not qualify as mental illness, that should not prevent you from seeking help and answers. Because the earlier you reach out for support, the better are your odds of avoiding a severe mental health episode. And it's better to worry your mom a bit to get better than to bottle all of this up until it reaches the point of no return. Because you're right that something is going on here. And even if you aren't mentally ill, losing a parent is by itself a major life crisis and a very good reason to seek out therapy and support

[h0ly-fire]

Timeless

Chapter 1

Hi! So this is the first chapter of my Loki x reader fic based off the show! Its really long because its basically the entirety of the first episode. The reader will have Female pronouns in this story solely based on the fact that this will be very self indulgent and I identify as Female. So im sorry to those who do not identify as such. Also this has no editing or proof reading.. so there will probably be a lot of mistakes.

This wasn’t supposed to happen. He wasn’t supposed to be here. Loki was a God how could these people think that they could ever capture him! Strip him of his clothes and make him wait to stand trial? On top of all that they made him question wether or not he was a Robot.  Unbelievable!

 Now here he was with a man in front of him when a guard near by told them to take a ticket. “ Take a ticket.” the guard told them“ What is this a deli?” the man questioned the guard  “ No!” the man said rudely and walked off. “ Take your ticket” the guard said towards Loki as he stepped up. Loki looked at the guard with an are you serious look “ there’s only two of us in here.” Loki said looking around the room. The guard once more told him to take a ticket and Loki huffed grabbing a ticket and shoving it in the Guards face before walking away and shoving it in his pocket. 

“ This is an mistake I shouldn’t be here!” Loki shouted at the guard. Loki turned around when a strange voice sounded around the room “ Hi there! You’re probably saying ,this is a mistake I shouldn’t be here, “ . Loki then saw a television with a clock on it explaining the “ Time Keepers” and how they protect the flow of time and everyone and everything. Apparently he now has to stand trial for his “ crimes”. Loki chuckled before disbelievingly saying “ Time Keepers?” “ The sacred timeline?” he swung his arms out before yelling “ who would actually believe this? “ 

A guard once again asked for a ticket. Loki turned around to see a guard talking to the other man . The man started yelling “ That man didn’t give me a ticket! I tried to ask for one!” The guard rasied his voice “ ticket sir!” “ I tried to asked that guy for a ticket.” Loki then saw the guard pull out a baton and disintegrate the man out of existence. Loki , shocked, searched for his ticket pulled it out and heled it in the air.

Loki was escorted to a court room where women sat up front. “ Variant L1130, aka Loki Laufeyson. Is charged with sequence violation 72089. “ The women sat the paper down as Loki stood on the podium. “ How do you plead ?” she asked him. Loki looked up laughing “ Madam , a God doesn’t plead. “ “ Look this has been a very enjoyable pantomime , but i’d like to go home now.” “ Are you guilty of not guilty,sir?” the women asked . Loki laughed again “ Guilty of being the God of mischief , yes.” “Guilty of finding this all incredably tedious, yes “ “ Guilty of a crime against the sacred timeline? Absolutly not , you have the wrong person.” 

They continued on arguing until the women once again asked him how he pleads. Loki said guilty and then streched his arms out trying to summon his powers. He tried a few times , but each time he failed. The women told him that magic was no good in the TVA. She sentenced him to be reset . Loki freaked out asking what reset meant before being grabbed by the guards. “ You ridiculous beauracrates will not dictate on how my story ends!” Loki screamed. The women said it was never his story . “ You have no idea what I’m capable of!” Loki yelled out in frustration. A man wearing a suite then stood up “ I think I do.” “ I have an idea of what he’s capable of” he said pointing at Loki. He then walked up and stood in front of the women. 

The two talked in whispers before the man turned to Loki. Loki breathed heavy before starring the man down “ and who are you?” the man smirked before leading Loki towards his office. “ I’m gonna burn this place to the ground “ Loki said walking next to the man. “ I’ll show you where my desk is you can start there.” Loki looked out of the hall to see a grand city. Filled with lights , floating buildings, flying cars, the giant statues of the Time Keepers. “ Home sweet home” Loki looked to the man “ I thought there was no magic here.” the man shook his head “ there isn’t.” 

Loki found himself in an elevator with the man. Said man stuck his hand out for Loki to shake before telling his name “ I’m agent Mobius by the way.” Loki looked down at Mobiuses hand before looking back up at him. “ Are you taking me somewhere to kills me?” Loki asked. “ No” Mobius answerd “ thats where you just were. I’m taking you some place to talk.” “ I don’t like to talk” Loki said shaking his head. “ but you like to lie “ Mobius told him “ which you just did. Cause we both know you love to talk.” Loki looked at mobius with a scowl on his face. “ How Long have you been here? “ Loki asked him. “ I don’t know its hard to say time passes diffrently at the TVA.” Mobius replied. 

They stepped out the elevator ,Loki asking Mobius about the three space lizards and how its absurd how they decide the lives of millions. They then step into a big spacious room with a table and two chair in the middle. Loki made the comment on how it really feels like Mobius is going to kill him. Mobius fiddled with a device that sat on the table. Loki tried to attack Mobius, but he didn’t get far when mobius pulled something out and sent him back to where he was standing. Loki looked annoyed before he finally took a seat. 

Loki sat crossing his arms. “ If looks could kill.” Mobius said smartly. They carried on their chat as Mobius pulled a drink out explaing he specializes in dangerous variants. Mobius then started to ask Loki a seires of questions. Loki explained how he wanted to be King of Midgard and the nine realms. How he would have made it easy. “ People like easy.” Mobius said. Loki looked down at the table “ The first depressing lie ever uttered was the song of freedom.” he said before looking back up at Mobius. Mobius continued to write Loki’s answers down as they continued on their chat. Mobius then clicked on the red device in front of them and then it played something catching Loki’s attention.

It started to play his life. It showed him killing Coulson, Mobius asking if he enjoys killing people whilst the video showed Loki destroying NewYork. He then showed Loki in Germany taking out the eyes of a man. “ Look at that smile.You are enjoying that. “ Mobius stated. “ Did you enjoy hurting them?” Loki looked at the floor shaking his head. “ I don’t have to play this game.” Loki told Mobius. “ I’m a God.” Mobius looked at him before replying “ Of what? In mischief right? “ “ yeah, I don’t see anything mischievous about this.” He paused the video before talking about Loki’s escapes. Loki called himself a mischievous scamp and then Mobius continued the video . It was Loki on a Plane . He was D.B Cooper. Apparently he had lost a bet to Thor. Mobius brought the conversation back to Lokis escapes. Loki tried to get up but was brought back to his chair.

Loki was frustrated beyond belief. Mobius showed him another clip agreeing with what his past self had said . Mobius asked if he was finished before showing him what would have happend if he hadn’t taken the Teseract. It showed Loki in chains walking towards his mother. Mobius mouthing “ thats you” towards Loki. Loki looked up starring at his Mother. “ Have I made you proud?” “ Please don’t make this worse.” Loki stood crossing his arms “ What is this? It’s nonsense.” He asked Mobius. “ More tricks this never even happend.” He sais gesturing the the video. “ Not to you, not yet “ Mobius said. The video continued on showing what would have been had Loki stayed within his timeline. He watched as his mother died. How he lead the dark elves to her. How HE killed her. 

“Do you enjoy killing!?” Mobius asked Loki. “ I’ll kill you!” Loki stated. “ What like how you killed your Mother.” Mobius told him. Loki then the the chair at him. Mobius moving out of the way and the chair going through the picture of his dead Mom. “ You weren’t born to be King Loki. You were born to cause Pain and suffering and Death. That’s how it is that’s how it was and that’s how it will be.” Mobius told him. Loki sat on the ground in a mix of grief and anger. He watched the Avengers fighting each other. All of them on the screen. Including you. Oh how he wished to see you right now . Taking him away from this terrible place. You were next to Steve and Natasha, eyes glowing yellow while power surges through your hands. You looked so powerful in that moment. A moment he’d never be able to truly witness. He just couldn’t wrap his head around the idea of you joining the avengers though.

He shook his head and looked up at Mobius sticking his hand out for him. He stood and then the door opened. In came the women guard “ what are you doing?” she asked Mobius. “ My job” Mobius said as if it was obvious. “ Is it yours to interupt?” he asked her. She looked at him before she spoke up “ We have a situation.” she told him. Mobius and the women left, leaving Loki to his own devises. Outside the room Mobius and the women were in a heated argument. “ We just lost another unit!” the women yelled at him. Mobius sighed before walking back in the room. “ Okay Loki I think we can finish up tomorrow and just-” Mobius stopped mid sentence when he noticed Loki was no where to be found. 

Outside Loki wandered around until he ended up in an office like room. TVA workers going about . “ Hey!” Loki shouted in a whispered tone towards the man he saw at the front desk. “ Hey I know you!” the man shouted. Loki grabbed him, pulling him down to keep him quite. “ What’s your name?” Loki asked, the man looked confused before replying “ Casey” he told him. “ Get me the Tesseract or i’ll gut you like a fish!” Loki threated him.” What’s a fish?” Casey loudly asked. Loki sushed him before asking “ how do you not know what a fish is?” “ i’ve lived my entire life behind a desk” casey said. 

After Casey agreed to comply he got up and pulled open a drawer. He pulled out the Teseract and handed it off to Loki. Finally, Loki thought, I have it. he helled it in his hands before glancing down. He saw infinity stones. A lot of them, just sitting there useless. “ What? Infinity stones? “ Loki asked him self, gently touching them as if they weren’t real. He stumbeld over his words “ how do you have these ?” he asked. “ Oh” Casey said “ We actually got a lot of those. Some of the guys use them as paper weights.” he said smiling to himself. Loki stood up and then walked in front of the big television. The weight of everything catching up to him. “ Is this the greatest power in the universe?” Loki questioned. 

The women guard came charging towards Loki with her weapon, but Loki teleported before she could hit him. He went back to the room Mobius had taken him to earlier. Out of breath, Loki got up looking at the Avengers still on the video along with you. He sat in the chair before rewinding the video and playing it again. He saw his life. What happened and what would have happened. 

He saw his Mother, dead on the floor. He saw his Father saying he loved them both. He saw you, your hands intertwined. Bodies pressed together and sweet kisses. He saw a ring on your finger and your smiling face looking up at him. He saw a version of himself being loved by you and living a life together. A life he’d never get to live now. He was crying , his tears streaming down his face. His breathe was shaky as he continued the video. He saw his brother, the two of them, fighting side by side. The video then showed him in front of Thanos. Thanos grabbed him by the neck, lifting him up. Loki stood up walking closer to the screen. He was struggling to breath as Thanos squeezed the life out of him. He could hear your cries of anguish as you pleaded for Thanos to let him go. You ran and banged on Thano’s back to stop him, but it was to late . A crack sound could be heard and he was dead. His body dropping to the floor. You came running up to him , cradling his limp body. Thanos looked down at you in disgust before stabbing you. Your body laying lifelessly next to his. As dead to the universe has he was.

Lokis face was one of fear, shock, and sadness. Seeing his death was teirrble enough, but to see you die was something else entirely. It broke his heart. The last thing he saw was Thor holding on to both your bodies and then the screen said end of file. Loki laughed at himself and then the women stepped in. “ what’s so funny?” she asked. Loki shook his head “ Glorious Purpose “ he turned around starring at her and then marched towards her. He threw a punch but she retaliated. The two fought but Loki brought her down attaching the collor to her neck. He fiddle with the remote causing her to go this way and that before she left the room completly. 

Mobius ran into you in the hall way telling you the Variant “ Loki” as he was called had escaped an he needed your help to find him. “ Mobius how many times do I have to tell you to keep watch of variants?” you huffed. “ I mean isn’t that your job?” He looked at you before pleading “ Please just help me Red, I’ll make it up to you.” “ fine” you pointed your finger at him “ but you owe me” the two of you set a brisk pace  and made it to what you usually call the showing room. It usually just shows the lives of people and variants, but TVA workers were not allowed to look at their own files. You and Mobius both pulled out your weapons entering the room. “ Loki” Mobius said, causiously walking towards him. You trailed behind walking behind Mobius . You moved to stand next to him as you got closer to the variant. He was sitting with his hands over his face.” No where left to run.” you said. Loki looked up hearing your familiar voice. He looked at you in disbelief.  

You weren’t real. How could you possably be here? He saw you die along with him! He saw you being carried away in shackles back on Midgard before he stole the Tesseract and ran off. There was no way that this could be you. He looked away from you and stared back at Mobius “ I can’t go back can I? “ it was more of a statement then a question though. You looked at him feeling some sort of sense of familiarity but sook it off as nerves. “ back to my timeline” Loki continued. Nither you nor Mobius said anything as Loki continued. “ I don’t enjoy hurting people.” he looked back at you “ I don’t enjoy it.” He looked in your eyes “ I do it because I have to. Because I had to.” Mobius shook his head and you spoke up. ‘Explain that to me.” Loki still couldn’t believe you were here right in front of him, but he pushed on anyway “ because it’s part of the illusion. “ “ It’s the cruel elabrate trick, conjured by the weak to inspire fear.” Mobius spoke this time “ a desprate play for control.” “ you do know yourself.” Loki sighed again “ a villain” he stated. “ That’s not how I see it” you said. Loki once again looked up at you . That since of familiarity coming back to you. “ 

Loki grabbed the Tesseract and spoke“ The TVA is formidable” Mobius shook his head in agreement “ that’s been my experince.” Mobius spoke to him,offering him a deal. You grabbed a hold of Mobius arm before yelling at him “you’re not doing what i think you’re doing are you?” Mobius shrugged your arm off before saying yes and then looked back at Loki. Loki got up walking towards the both of you. “ Fugitive Variant has been killing our minutemen” Mobius told him. “ and you need the God of mischief to help you stop him.” Loki said.” That’s right “ “ why me?” Loki asked .You butted in , standing infront of Mobius , looking up at Loki “ the variant we’re hunting is you.” “I beg your Pardon?” Loki asked. You chuckled,not suprised by his reaction. “ I’m sorry , but I think i’m in even more shock as to why you’re even here.” he gestured towards the room and then pointed at you stepping closer. You were face to face , noses almost touching. “ why’re you working for these people?” he furrowed his brows at you “ what are you doing here y/n?” You looked just as confused as he was and uncrossed your arms. “ I’m sorry, but who’s y/n ?” 

[ifyouseekay468]

what do YOU personally think the teenagers (mcr) lyrics are about my friend ? like i keep thinking about them but im not sure im going somewhere

okay, ive answered this ask twice on mobile and each time my phone deleted it, so here I go, the FINAL version of this post

It's been a hot minute since I listened to teenagers so I decided to do a quick run-through of the lyrics, and while Gerard&Co were raised catholic the lyrics seem to REEK of protestant trauma, so that's what I'll be going off of, but I'm pretty sure the two denominations overlap here. The first verse is about kids in youth group, Christian GirlsTM especially, who are put there to pressure you into being "normal" into "cleaning you up with the lies in the book" (bible), although the pastor is the one giving the teaching THESE are the people who will get you to BELIEVE, who will get you to lie to yourself, who will get you to church camps that on some level utilize brainwashing techniques, and will DESTROY you with the idea that you're "Just one of them, and just need to change everything about yourself and fake your way through every last sermon to be just a part of the gang",

The part about sleeping with a gun and keeping an eye on you is about two things: one, about the idea that God can see all your thoughts, that THINKING about "sin" (ie; fantasizing about sex) is as bad as COMMITTING sin (which is fucked up entirely on its own because fantasy is SO FUCKING DIFFERENT FROM REALITY and that is a CRUCIAL aspect of sexual expression in order to safely engage in sex), AND the fact that these kids will pretend to be your friend, will prod you into doing things with them, into telling them things about yourself all the while making you feel like "part of the group" when really they're just blabbing either to religious leaders, or are ostracizing you and bullying you behind your back.

"The drugs never work"

This in my opinion points to the fact that this song is specifically about being QUEER in a christian culture. It is common for trans people to turn to drugs or psychedelics in an area that has little to no access to gender affirming care, or acceptance because they both change reality and disconnect one from the body that is causing their dysphoria. It can also help burn away the guilt, so to speak.

The methods of keeping you clean is about two things: one, about purity culture, no smoking, no drinking, no friends who drink, no sex, no porn, no masturbation, no impure thoughts. The second, is the way they're able to subtly manipulate you into hiding yourself, into lying to yourself, into forcing yourself to the point of death into being cishet. They're keeping you clean not just from the vices of addiction, but the vices of the flesh, the vice you can't escape because it's a part of you from the day youre born. On a darker note, this could also be referring to c*nversion th*rapy, given this second interpretation of the lyrics

"Ripping your head and aspirations to shreds," Is again about two things in my opinion: both the idea of "losing yourself to God's will" that usually leads one to losing their identity and getting depression and fucked up mental health, and the "shift" that happens at church when you reach a certain age. You know the kind, right? You're four years old, and church is FUN! You get to go to this big room and sing and dance on stage with all your friends! You get to play GAMES! You get to talk to the ~cool teenagers~ who are ~Just like you~ and ~think youre a "cool kid"~, you have ~best friends~ who will be with you like Jesus and the 12! but then, one day, something happens, something SHIFTS. maybe the Sunday school teacher leaves, maybe there's a new family at church, maybe the church changes buildings. Maybe none of that has to do with any of it, all you know is that now things are forever different. Church isn't fun anymore. The kids classes are repetitive, they're bribing you into memorizing bible verses with money, they DONT reward critical thinking or analysis, but they do call you smart, that's because they dont want SMART kids they want OBEDIANT ones. You have no choice but to stat going to REAL church. Suddenly, your best friends are not your best friends. Suddenly they're avoiding you. Suddenly they're lying to you. Suddenly you're too... well they don't know the word yet but "gay" for them...

"Teenagers scare the living shit out of me"

This is what youth group does to you, it isolates you from your entire generation because there are few people your age and a whole lot older than you, and everyone is so much DIFFERENT from you for some reason, but neither of you know why, not yet anyways. This makes you distance yourself from teenagers, because you can't SEE yourself as a teenager, because youre nothing like other teenagers.

"They could care less as long as someone will bleed,"

This is the martyr complex that permeates youth culture like the smell of wine, the problem? these kids love to make a show of themselves and their martyrdom, but they're unwilling to martyr themselves, so what do they do? They throw someone else to the wolves and take the glory. They ostracize and eliminate the unique in the name of preserving their faith. They convert and convert and god help anyone who doesn't want to convert.

"So darken your clothes and strike a violent pose"

This is about deconversion, how the moment you leave the church you never want to see another cross till the day you die, that you want to avoid christians of all costs because you don't want them To drag you back into the pit that devoured you. So you do anything and everything you can to make yourself repulsive to Christians, which actually coincides with your indulgence of mundane activities previously considered as "sin"

"Maybe they'll leave you alone but not me,"

There's a different between a cishet ex Christian and a queer ex christian, and that difference is that a cishet atheist is more likely to be left alone than a queer one, especially a queer one whose whole demeanor screams "Christians be gone," that shit is like... it summons christians faster than free winter jam tickets! They swarm to you frothing at the mouth with holy water waiting to either convert you or exorcise you into purity, depends on if you want them or not. Again, you don't even have to be OPENLY gay, they can TRACK this shit. it's like fucking... INSTINCT or something.

"The boys and girls in the clique, the awful names that they stick, you're never gonna fit in much kid,"

as alluded to above, this lyric is about how, even from a young age, BEFORE youth group, this toxic culture kind of develops. ESPECIALLY around christian girls. They don't have the vulgarity of slurs, but they can make up for it with slang like "tomboy" "nancyboy" "too boyish" "a sissy" "Weird" etc, youre NEVER going to fit in, because the moment that "shift", from fun games and songs to Real Church, occurs, you have a target on your back.

"But if youre troubled and hurt what you got under your shirt will make them pay for the things that they did,"

This is probably a gun. But that's a tad too boring for my taste. If you were raised protestant you KNOW that being an ex protestant, after the craziness of evangelicalism, you would not hesitate to burn down your old church. It could be a secret tattoo, top surgery scars, hell maybe even nipple clamps. Whatever it is, it's symbolic of revenge. I know that anytime I wore my labrys necklace to church I would always hide it under my shirt. I hid books and CDs under there too. Again, it's about revenge, it's about breaking free, gun or no gun, the point is getting out and getting back at them.

and thats pretty much my take on the song. Again, this is not about artist intent this is just what the lyrics reminded ME of personally (as you can see from the over biographical bullshit I wrote), I'm always open to contradicting interpretations though as I always have like 2+ interpretations of a song or book! I never really saw the song through the lens of youth group specifically but when I went over the lyrics again in retrospect it all seemed to really click (pun not intended) well! Thanks for the ask!

[wisteria-lodge]

lion primary + slightly burnt lion secondary (badger secondary model) (bird secondary model)

i hope you’re having an amazing day!! here’s my SHC dilemma:

i know my primary is lion, and it feels a little exploded, at that, but at least i know what’s up. but im still extremely confused about my secondary. i tried looking through other submissions, but i didn’t really find anything i vibed with 100%, but then again i have adhd and im really struggling going through all that text, it just kinda blurs together at some point

so, my secondary. taking the test, i always get burnt, often with a vague hint towards bird. at first i immediately adopted that and decided i was a burnt bird, but the more i go the less that feels right to me and i think it might be some sort of model.

Yeah. “doesn’t feel right.” Definitely see the Lion in your sorting.

working by elimination, im pretty certain im not a snake secondary. that ish doesn’t even sound real to me, i know there are people like this because i know a couple, but it’s just so weird to me that some people are just able to improvise so effectively, and seemingly change themselves like that, and they?? enjoy it?? it does sound dope, like i admire it, but wtf. 

Lion secondaries can get very *does not compute* when trying to get their head around Snake secondaries. I’m considering Lion for you. 

i do act differently in different situations or with different people, but i don’t think i have “personas” as much as degrees of awkwardness 

I see the burnt secondary. You’re definitely talking yourself down here. But the way you talk about “degrees of awkwardness” does make me think about the way Lion secondaries “change faces” by modulating intensity. 

depending on how much my anxiety is acting up, and the more anxious i am, the more i act like a doormat and revert to the proper manners i was taught, but like… that’s not me, and it’s not done on purpose, i don’t enjoy it. 

Looks like somebody’s got an unhealthy Badger secondary model.

it feels gross not to be able to act like myself, whatever the hell that is.

And you didn’t vibe with the Lion descriptions? This is the first time I’m reading though this and… very interested to get to the part where you talk about why you think you’re not a Lion. 

im also convinced im not a bagder - my mother is, and there are a lot of those in my community, so i was raised thinking that was the best way to be, an ideal to work towards, but it’s just not comfortable for me, i don’t wanna do it.

Yeah, this would that  unhealthy Badger secondary model you were talking about. ^

i don’t even think i *can* do it. i mean, “showing up and doing the work” is pretty hard with adhd, and not even the most efficient way of getting stuff done (at least for me), and thinking of the group and what i can do in that group is annoying. also i get that asking for help is important sometimes but it still feels like that’s just admitting i can’t figure out how to do it myself, which, yikes (don’t come at me i know it’s unhealthy)

Hey, breathe. It’s okay. Nobody is going to make you be a Badger secondary. Clearly you’ve spent enough time struggling under the weight of a model that doesn’t suit you, and now you’re pushing back against everything Badger extra hard. 

id rather find a group im a good fit for instead of molding myself to please others. 

See, that’s an exaggerated, caricatured way of conceptualizing how a Badger secondary works… but I’m not surprised that you think about it that way.

whatever i do, it needs to come from me.

… you’ve got a very loud Lion secondary. 

anyway im somewhere between lion and bird, and at first i thought i was a bird because i do in fact fricking love learning everything i can, i wouldn’t naturally call it “collecting”, i’m just doing whatever’s interesting in the moment

You mean you learn by improvising? :) Like a Lion? :) 

but sure, why not - i like collecting languages, knowledge about different cultures, books, music, space, countries, medicine, anything and everything, and i sometimes spend hours researching random stuff that im never actually gonna use “just in case im stranded in the wilderness and need to make soap” you feel? but it’s not actually because i think it might be useful (though i do get random bouts of anxiety over not knowing how to do certain stuff “in case” even though the probability id need them is infinitesimal).

Loving knowledge does not make you a Bird secondary. I’m hearing you talk about about a thing you do for fun, and - this is key - a thing you use as  a mechanism to cope with anxiety. ADHD can sometimes make you feel very scattered, going too fast, and your Bird is giving you [the illusion of] control. And I’m not going to knock that. The illusion of control is important. 

i just like knowing things and being able to use those things to do stuff. i wanna be “that guy” you can come to with the most obscure problem and they’d have some way of dealing with it. doesn’t that sound pretty bird?

Okay. Here’s the deal. You like Bird secondaries. You think they’re cool, and badass. Maybe you’d like to be one. But I’m still not at all convinced you are. I haven’t heard you use it to solve problems. 

but i can’t actually do that stuff. i think i used to, when i was a teenager? but depression and undiagnosed adhd kinda kicked my ass, among a few other things, and now i don’t really have the brain power for it and i feel like im not actually able to learn things as well, or to even think straight.

Wow. That is some burnt secondary talk. I can’t do things. 

(I promise you, people with ADHD have absurd brain power, and can learn things crazy well, although not in the same way as neurotypicals. You are right about not thinking straight, which I am interpreting as “in a straight line.” ADHD people think in webs and corkscrews and I love it.) 

 or if i did, i can’t learn as *many* things as i need to feel accomplished? which idk what you think but it kinda just sounds like burnt bird to me. 

Feeling like the secondary you have isn’t good enough can be a Burnt thing... but feeling like you need to manifest a specific secondary *more* (which is what this feels like) is usually a sign of a model. 

but here’s the thing. all of those sound real nice. and cool. and a good way of doing things, maybe even the “right” way, even though i know that’s subjective. but lion just feels more comfy, and idk if that’s because im a burnt bird modeling lion or if it’s smth else.

… you mean… like being… a Lion?

cause the “collecting skills and knowledge to solve problems” thing sounds cool, but it’s actually more just the first part that i vibe with? the part where i get to learn stuff! but when actually solving problems, i don’t usually think too long, i just vibe. i see where my instinct is taking me and i apply reason *after* that, or like, as a secondary, support thing. im not a dumbass either, im good at puzzles and logic problems, i can totally think things through and use my skills! but that’s not really how i approach problem-solving. i just jump into the situation and see what part of it is closest and start there, or what’s convenient, or what just feels right or nicer or whatever.

This is a perfect description of a Lion secondary with a supportive Bird model. Like a LOT of neurodivergent people (hi!) you built yourself some scaffolding using the Bird toolbox.

and on one hand it could be that im not confident in my skillset enough to do things the bird way, but on the other hand, thinking back to my childhood and teenage years, when i had better executive skills and i wasn’t as completely scatterbrained as i am I now (i was, but not as bad in some ways), i still did this? like, all of my major life decisions where made on the spot based on instinct and nothing else

I’m definitely seeing the Lion primary come though as well. 

whenever i have a problem of the interpersonal sort i just face it and talk to the person and don’t bother hiding or sugarcoating things even if it means hurting that person because i don’t want to lie or come off as something i’m not, when i need to work on a project i don’t bother planning, i just jump in and a strategy forms in an organic way as i go, you know what i mean? isn’t that what this “charging” business means?

Yes.

anyway i have no idea which one is a model and which one is actually mine. i love learning things but i don’t care about actually using them. i mean i like it, of course, but it’s whatever. planning is tedious and it kinda gives me validation because im meant to be “smart” and i guess planning is what smart people do, but it’s annoying and nothing ever goes exactly to plan anyway so you just have to pause and plan again or whatever, and that’s just so boring and frustrating??

I get that you like Bird secondaries, and I get that the picture of “smart person” in your head looks like a Bird secondary but just like… come on…

why not just do the damn thing?? and then what you have to do will be obvious anyway?? and sure, if you planned ahead, maybe you’d already know what you need to do and you’d have prepared it and you’d do it better, but who’s got the time for that?? i can’t use my brain like that! i need to live the thing before it actually feels real enough for me to think about solving it.

I have never read anything more Lion secondary in my entire goddamn life.

i hope this actually made sense and i gave enough relevant information, my head kinda feels jumbled right now. i mean it makes sense to me but i don’t know how this reads from an outside perspective. maybe i should have planned this like an essay or whatever lmao

thanks a lot for answering these & running this blog!!! it’s dope and you give really good insights and you’re just a super cool person!

<3 <3 <3 

[mr-walkingrainbow]

Kings, Queens, Royalty, what are our (yes obvi collective bc we're all sharing a braincell here with everything Abimel) thoughts on Miss Abigael trying to bind her powers? And what are our theories about Miss Abigael and Miss Jordan being stuck in (I'm calling it a prison world because I deadass cannot remember the right word for) those separate prison-y worlds? Who's going to notice they're missing, Maggie or Mel??

OK TIME TO RANT.

TW. SPOILIES FOR S3 Ep 11.

TW Mentions of suicide and suicidal behaviors. TW cutting mention

TW depression

TW self harm

HELLO FELLOW KING/QUEEN/ROYALTY.

1. I fucking lost my shit with this episode. The writers are just fucking up huge. Abby is now moved to the most dangerous level of her depression, EXTREME self harm. Before she’d do things but she’d always wake up before it actually hurt her. Hell, this time she literally grabbed shards of glass and went ham on her skin like it was a piece of cake! How did she even reach her shoulder???? They didn’t even show all her wounds and that’s terrifying. she literally fully took sharp things and tried to kill herself from self injury and blood loss. I just.

i can’t.

the charmed writers have still not acknowledge this is depression, or done a thing on how self harm is horrible. Or have anyone actually recognize what Abby is doing without some cruel insult.

and considering the leap that happened, I’m honestly terrified she’s going make the final leap and they will barely even acknowledge it, nevertheless treat it as the delicate and important subject it is.

Literally every scene. Every scène in this was gut wrenching. Waking up in disarray and a desttoyed room, only to be covered in your own blood. (Ok technically she wasn’t, which is also logically incorrect, like what, her demon side decide to be nice and clean up the blood that was 100% no doubt pouring down her arms and body?) yeah no.

Walkinh up to Jorden. Asking him to help her do a binding spell.

Im gonna take a second here to establish that this is Abby. Abigael Jameson-fucking-Caine. the literal DEMON OVERLORD.

she lives for her magic. Magic is who she is and how she lives and she practically breaths the stuff. She’s the most magical out of all of the people on the show. It was how she was raised. It was ingrained into her more then anything else

the fact that she made a split second decision to get rid of ALL of her powers FOREVER.

It just is truly the ultimate show of how desperate she is. How much pain mentally and physically this is causing her.

im not even comment on the fact that I nearly cried from how soft Jordan was patching her up.

🥺😭😭😭 ok yes I am I just did GOD I LIVE FOR THEIR PLATONIC RELATIONSHIP ALMOST MORE THEN OVERWITCH THEMSELVES!

ALMOST! That’s a very hard almost. Overwitch is what gets my heart pumping in the morning.

bro just FUCKING bro! She was so scared. So so scared of the binding ritual. She didn’t want to do it but she had too. It was pure fear and desperation. (I flinched when she whimpered as she cut her hand. She’s already cut herself way to much in the last 24 hours. I’m not even gonna begin on the rollercoaster of thought’s she might have been feeling)

Also, is it just me, or is she ALWAYS too eager to go and slice her palm if they need demon blood for a spell. Like she generally doesn’t care if she hurts herself in the process. hell she proved that by literally poisoning herself painfully to get Harry’s attention.

and that was BEFORE getting a suicidal demon side.

god she’s been a mess for so long and no ones realizing it.

Bro. BRO. JORDAN. WAS. SO. FUCKING. SOFT when he was about to apparently STAB her??? Like what the fuck was that??? Oh to get rid of your powers we need EVEN MORE BLOOD or for you to flat out die, NO BIGGIE!

but look at him as he does it. He stands and gently caresses Her shoulder. I fucking sobbed at that. He holds her like she’s a fragile broken sparrow. A innocent bird. I NEED more of that.

haha if that’s not enought let’s add some MORE PAIN. onto this overwhelming ANGST SESH.

THE PERFECTI DECIDE TO SEND HER TO THE TOMB OF FUCKING CHAOS BY BURNINH A SYMBOL INTO THE BACK OF HER NECK??? WHERE SHE APPARENTLY FINDS A (hammer??) SOMEWHERE! (not gonna lie I didn’t know what I was missing till my life was complete with Abby with a hammer) anywho-

you fucked up perfecti!

the tomb of chaos is for the most evil of monsters and demons, who even murderers are afraid of

IT IS NOT FOR HALF DEMON HALF WITCH SUICIDAL BEANS WHO ARE LITERALLY TRYING TO DIE EVERY NIGHT AND TRYING TO REDEEM HERSELF

THE DIFFERENCE IS MORE THEN CLEAR.

bruh her scream though

🥺 jorden was so concerned

WHEN ABBY CALLED OUT FOR ‘JORDY’ WHEN SHE WAS NERVOUS AND ALONE

when she says ‘Anyone?’ That KILLED ME.

i SWEAR. If she’s gonna see hallucinations of her family I WILL loose my shit.

MY GOD. If in her dream cell she’s dating Mel??? like maybe that’s her incorrect thing.

also WHAT THE FUCK was that beginning scene??? So we all agreed that when she’s in her full on body length let’s bring out the angsty lace dress state, that shes “Asleep” and “Unconscious.” And “NOT LUCID OR SANE AT ALL”

like a normal person

so your telling Me, UNCONSCIOUSLY. She went to the CHARMED ONES HOUSE??

to do exactly WHAT exactly??? She’s not gonna kill them? She wants to kill herself! and she doesn’t even want them to die in real life.

so that’s un probable.

unless the reason she came their wasnt violence related at all!

she’s first in the house , and the first thing she says is MEL.

theirs a dramatic long pause and then she says the other sisters names

as if mels the soul purpose and Maggie and Macy are the unwilling spares.

AKA. CANONLY. IN HER TIME OF NEED. SHE GOES TO MELS HOUSE. TO SEARCH FOR MEL. SO MEL CAN BE THEIR WITH HER

AKA MEL IS EVERYTHING

OVERWITCH CANON

MIC DROP!

(i swtg if they hurt her next episode I will RANT AND BOYCOTT SO AHRD!)

[radiorenjun]

Grand announcement ❗❗❗

Yep you read that right and no this is not a joke, unfortunately.

Honestly is it that much of a surprise?

Um I don't know when I'm actually going to post this or if I will post this considering I've been debating on whether i should actually take time off of not. But depending on the date I post this, its either going to be one of two reasons or both.

LETS GO WITH THE POSITIVE ONE FIRST SHALL WE?

First of all, Happy Ramadan! My maids going back to her old village for the holidays so I'm going to have to assist my parents in babysitting more til she gets back. Therefore I will be too busy to post or update. Or maybe my parents plan an unexpected vacation or something and I'll be too busy to communicate with anyone on my phone.

Edit: I take it back my mom fired her when she caught some cigarette ashes in her room today (my maid went back to her village yesterday btw) and now we gonna get a temporary one that comes and goes everyday at the end of Ramadan LMFAOOO more chores for me then

Also, im posting this to just inform everyone I'll be okay and I'll return somewhere in the end of May or the beginning of June considering I promised a few moots to voice call then. Man, it feels weird speaking all serious like this. It feels even weirder that I'm not even using capslock lmfao.

Okay the other reason. Im not really thrilled to think that it's finally drove me up so far i have to take a break from everything.

If you can't tell from how I've been on and off lately uh like my mental health is getting bad. Like really really bad?

I won't go into much details but for safety stuff here's your trigger warning for ED, SH, Depression, Nightmares, etc. If you don't want to read this part you can scroll down until you see some random red statement I'll write later so you can see what I have to say before i leave.

Uh okay where do I start. To sum it all up basically, my mental health is in absolute ruins? At the moment?? Uh... It's been the worst it has been in the past three to four years? I don't know anymore. I can't sleep properly because I keep having nightmares of past su1c1d3 attempts and the outcome of actually succeeding. I can't eat properly anymore. My SH habits and my anxiety is coming back (every beginning of every month though so it wasn't as bad as way way when this started) and I trying my best to stop it again. I'm almost a month clean but I doubt that I can last more than that again because everything seems to get worse and worse. I cry myself to sleep because of my thoughts being so fucked up. I tried coming forward with this so many times to my parents and my teachers but they won't believe me, i can't do anything anymore except try to get better by myself. I can't bring myself to communicate with anyone anymore knowing full well that the only thing that's keeping me alive at this moment is socializing. I keep having flashbacks of when older men stalked me everywhere I went in the past. I lie awake knowing that nothing can bring me comfort except seeing that one idol who you all probably know by now. Im literally depending on him to keep me together during the day it's not even funny anymore lmfao.

I have to do endless chores, deal with all of this at once, catch up on two semesters worth of materials for my new school, deal with my graduation ceremony which is coming around this month or next month? Somehow I developed some type of anger issues the past year so haha that's great yuh no.

To stop you from worrying, no, I don't have suicidal tendencies anymore but I don't exactly have something to be thrilled living for. I'm just vibin in life at this point lmao

I'm just tired. I'm really really tired. Id lie awake crying my eyes out while listening to renjun voice audios. I'm tired of crying all the time and I'm tired of everything. Im tired of laying in bed overthinking and stressing bout things that wouldnt normally bother as much. I promise I won't do anything stupid

I won't be gone long. I'm not okay at the moment but I will be. Because at the end i need to be okay again. I'm giving myself time to heal again before something gets bad. I promise I'll come back from time to time. I promise I'll be okay again and I'll come back as that happy hyper renjun simp who swears and uses capslock, spamming memes or whatever.

I'm not comfortable opening up about anything that goes beyond too sad in my life so I'm just going to leave it at that

You can stop scrolling now. The triggering part is over.

Thank you for all the moots who decided to cheer me up unknowingly whenever I was having a mental breakdown. Thank you for reading up to here lmfao uh I don't know what to say? God Im a mess.

Dms on both tumblr and discord will be pretty slow. I'm sorry but I'll reply to my asks like a day or two after they're sent. I won't be posting much until June and I'm truly sorry for those who were waiting for the last chapter of idni, im taking this chance to also rethink the ending so I can somehow make it better than I originally planned it literally a year ago.

Damn broken English 101.

As I said before, I'll be okay when I get back. I'll be the happy hyper angie I always was and always will be when I return. I don't know when I'll post this but hopefully I don't haha. You don't have to be worried about me, this happened before and I always come back okay again. I'll be okay, I promise. I'll be back in a month.

Do what yall do and don't forget to tag me whenever you post any renjun fics haha. I'll miss you all, don't forget about me okay? Haha.

I'll be looking forward to writing again and hopefully I'll be mentally and physically healthy then. Hopefully I'll have my motivation in writing back again by then. I'll try my best to commit into getting better and being happy. Plus I wanna start an sm au but rn it doesn't seem very likely haha

I'll be contacting my networks bout this as soon as I post this.

Thank you and see you all later

[yumpty-dumpty-inactive]

ranting because i need to get my feelings out (don't pay attention to this this is all bullshit |8>)

so my parents, both undergoing unbearable stress from their jobs (one at risk of losing their job) have just been getting worse and worse in general. they never have time for each other anymore, and every time I'm around them I have to fucking walk on eggshells because if i do ONE thing wrong they'll go insane. i don't wanna blame them for anything,, but when your parents yell at you more and more it gets hard to feel loved. it gets hard to feel like you're doing enough when you get screamed at for the smallest things. i just can't get a grip on anything, and it's affecting my mental health.

another thing that's been bothering me is...more of a private thing. i won't mention it specifically, but I've worked really fucking hard every single day for this ONE thing,,, this ONE goal,, and now it's being snatched from my hands.

it feels good to be at the top, not gonna lie. but it doesn't feel good when after years of struggle, you finally accomplish your goal only to be yanked back and thrown down the mountain you worked so hard to build.

it's just so frustrating, seeing someone you try so hard to be nice to purposely avoid you and secretly mock you even if they think you can't tell. it's humiliating. especially when that person is the one who keeps yanking you down.

I can't even tell if they mean to or not, as they drop hints for both sides. I just wanna be happy for once... not on here but in the real world with my real life,, not just my online one.

I can't even take it anymore, I just want to go. i wanna run away from all of it, somewhere else. run away from my home, my parents, my schoolwork, my life, everything.

the worst part is my fucking anxiety. it's so stressful just having that on my shoulders. my stress turns into even MORE anxiety which channels into depression. depression is not just bad in general, but especially for me.

depression is bad in itself, but (and i don't know exactly why) it affects me really badly. at this point, I'm sobbing writing this because it's embarrassing. it's childish and selfish, and I have no right to say this. (referring to what's said below)

adding onto my happiness bullshit, I just want to fucking get a longer end of this stick. this is just me and my selfish bullshit, but i feel like i always end up with the short end of the stick. I just want, for ONCE to be told by a real person in the real world I'm loved. it's different through a screen because it's so easy to lie, and sometimes the things people say about me i feel are too good to be true. i just want someone to grab my shoulders and just tell me they love me. i haven't heard an irl "i love you" for so long,, besides from family members and stuff.

i also just want a significant other to be honest, or someone to lean on. it gets so lonely on a day-to-day basis, and i just want someone to talk to and depend on. people laugh and joke when i say i want a fictional character to be real, but seriously, i do.

okok im done and bored goodnight |:)

[missdawnandherdusk]

Something Old

Draco X Gryffindor!Reader

Part One    Part Two    Part Three    Part Four    

Part Five    Part Six    Part Seven    Part Eight

Part Nine

Summary: Now that winter break was upon you, you finally had time to look into what your mother told you about as well as confront the other parent in the situation, the one you dread to think about and the one Draco had to live with.

A/N: Hello my darling loves! We’re finally getting somewhere with plot! And lore! And Latin! ((Seriously, something is lost when you know Latin and can translate the spells on the top of your head... it’s less... magical. But funny because the spells mean exactly what they’re doing and I don’t know if that a cheap lazy move or brilliant.)) Let me know what you guys think! Also I’m toying with the idea of uploading this to AO3... would you guys want that? Love you guys, stay safe. 

Tags: @un-limiteddd @geekysimmerthings @coffee-addicti @ilikestuffproductions @msmcsmutt @ravn-87 @artemismohr18 @whygz @crazywritingbug @dolphincommander @bisexualbumblebeesstuff @fuzzy-panda @bitemebro522 @zombiesnips-blog @jillanaholland @shookyungsoo @savingdraco @welcometomyworldwithoutrules @akari180 @slytherin-emerald @chaotic-good-gemini @memalfoy-spidey @theres-a-dog-outside-omg​ @queenfeatherwings​ @fanficflaneuse​ @go-whovian-universe​ @spicyshenanigans @darling-im-not-okay-i-promise​ @dietkiwi​ @katsukink​ @takemetothekingdom​ @strangerr-things​ @tmnt-queen​ @mccloudchloe​

Snape eyed me as I smiled through my exam, on cloud none the entire way. I had gotten through my History of Magic exam no problem and now Snape wanted us to recreate our Bellum Amoris antidotes. Weeks of worrying and I was finished with the second fastest time.

Draco beat me by a few minutes—he was allowed to the ingredients first—and we walked out of the exam hand in hand, not caring much about anyone who decided to gawk at us.

I was in too good of a mood. The term was done for the winter, I had finished all of my exams, and I wouldn’t be alone for the holidays when I remained at Hogwarts this year as I had the years before.

“I told you, you had nothing to worry about,” Draco nudged my shoulder. “Except beating my time of course.” A grin stretched across his face. “Which you couldn’t of course,”

I rolled my eyes and let out a laugh.

“I think I’ll be okay missing one point because I wasn’t as fast as you,” I drawled.

“Oh, I’m sure you’re dreading the fact,” He teased back as we made our way to the Great Hall. “Have you heard anything from your mother?” His voice lowered.

“Not yet, thought I suppose she’s waiting to hear from me,” I mumbled. 

“You didn’t answer her!?” Draco grew agitated.

“I did,” I reaffirmed, giving him a look. “But I said that I would talk about it later when we had time to... figure things out? I didn’t know what to say...”

“We’re gonna figure this out,” He reassured as we entered the Great Hall that was really magical with the Christmas decorations and warmth from the people within.

“Y/n! Draco!”

We both tensed until we saw Hermione waving at us along with the four Weasleys and Harry. No one was glaring at us—Draco—so I took that as a good sign as we sat down for dinner.

It was easy to sink into the familiarity and safety of the school, but with the Yule Ball coming, worry nagged at my mind. It was a big deal and an even bigger deal to pure-bloods. Another occasion to show off and “be better” than everyone else. My mother wouldn’t care, and I knew that... but Draco’s parents—father—had to have something to say about it and it worried me.

“Have you heard from your father?” I asked in a soft voice during dinner when the others were concerned with the upcoming task for the tournament.

His expression darkened as he glared at his plate.

So, yes then.

“Dray,” I whispered softly, rubbing his arm softly. “What happened?”

“Not here,” He said curtly, his eyes dancing around the merry scene around us.

I nodded and we both put on masks of calm and ease through dinner. His hand held mine throughout and we both lost our appetites. Maybe I should have written my mother a bit more than the vague note I gave. She would know what to do.

____________________________

Draco had gotten the letter last night, before he sent you the invitation to dinner. It what prompted him to send it in the first place. He knew that you could take away the depressing cloud that hovered whenever his father spoke to him.

And you did, almost easily. When he was with you, it was easy to focus on your smile, the way your hair fell into and out of place constantly, the way you almost danced down the hallways because you always gave off the demeanor of not having a care or fear in the world. It rubbed off on him. He’d rather be frustrated with the simple secrets that you kept than frustrated with the conflict about family and legacies.

And you were exactly what he needed last night. Your warmth, and comfort, the games you played and gentle touched you gave and small sounds that were his now to hold. But there were

still dark moments of the night that he couldn’t escape when his father’s words weighed him down.

Draco would never understand how you managed to pick up on the fact that his father had sent him something. Maybe he hadn’t given it away and you were just worrying again.

After dinner the two of you split up for some time, to drop off books and changed from school uniforms and in your case hopefully to find something warmer to wear.

Draco almost didn’t want to take you up to the Astronomy Tower because it was so frigid outside. He racked his brain for anywhere else to go in the school that offered solidarity and warmth. He could sneak you into the Slytherin dorms... but it might pose a danger to you as his house wasn’t as welcoming as yours had been to his relationship with you. The library seemed to be the best place at the moment to finally start looking into what was going on.

He met you outside you Common Room, as always and the two of you walk together. he had taken your books from you the moment you stepped out and though you gave him a curt you, you said nothing.

“I was thinking maybe we go to the library,” He offered. “It’s too cold for you in the Tower.” You hummed in agreement, silent in your thoughts again.

“It’ll probably be empty because of the end of term,” You mused, nodding as if you had settled on the idea.

“You’re quiet again,” He noted, the notion bothering him more than he thought.

“Thinking,”

“Now there’s an idea.” He teased as the two of you sat in a back table in the vacant library. 

__________________________

It wasn’t the same as being alone with him in the Astronomy Tower, but it was much warmer being surrounded by lit fires and a million books.

“Where do you want to start?” The question slipped through as I pulled out parchment and quill to take notes.

I knew the last thing he wanted to talk about was his father, but that’s what worried me the most. It was all for naught if his father could get between us and make whatever this had become into a tragedy. As if he knew this, he slid a folded parchment over to me, not meeting my eyes.

Taking it, I took a breath in and opened it: 

~

Draco,

I have heard many rumors about you, and I pray that none of them are true. You have been raised better than to fraternize a Lupine let alone allow her to kiss you. It is atrocious behavior and it will stop immediately.

They are a disgrace to pure bloods everywhere and are almost worse than the Weasleys. I have raised you with higher standards than this. I am appalled to even hear that these things might be going on.

I do not want you to go near her. I want to hear nothing of you being with her or the people she considers friends. Do not believe her lies or the things that she tells you. It is what the Lupines do. They lie and bend the truth into something that is horrendous. It is what they have always done, and you know this.

She is nothing more than a she-demon come to ruin everything that I have built for you and to steal everything that I have worked all my life to give you.

You are a Malfoy. Do not forget that.

I am beyond disappointed to hear this. Correct what has been done immediately. 

Your Father,

Lucius Malfoy

~

I frowned at the letter as I read it a few more times, trying to figure out what I wanted to address first. At the moment, I just wanted to send this to my mother and see what she would do knowing the fire in her was stronger than mine. But I didn’t do any of that.

Instead, I placed the letter down and looked up to wary blue eyes. “Well,” I whispered. “What are you going to do?”

“What do you mean what am I going to do?” He snapped; a soft look from me and he took a deep breath, calming.

“If... I know that I’ve dragged you into this. And that you didn’t have much of a choice. So, if you want to... I...” My gaze fell to my lap as I tried to find the right words to tell him... to let him go.

“Why would you think—”

“Because I don’t want you to get talked down to like this by someone who’s supposed to love you!” I threw the letter on the table. “I’m... I’m not worth ruining... You shouldn’t be treated like an errant child because you’re talking to me,”

“I’m always treated like an errant child Y/n,” He scoffed. “Now at least I have a good reason.” 

“What?” I looked up, the frown returning to my face.

“Nothing I ever did for my father has been good enough. I think landing in Slytherin was the last time he was actually proud of something that I did.” Draco picked up the letter and rolled his eyes, tearing it in half.

“What are you doing?” I demanded.

“What I should have done when I got this letter,” He muttered, tossing it into the nearest fireplace.

I marveled at him, a small smile playing at my lips. I had hoped he would choose me, but now that he had, something heavy was lifted from my shoulders. Though I still wasn’t quite taken with how his father talked to him, but I knew it wasn’t my place to go against Lucius no matter how much of a...

Never mind.

“Now, to the books?” He sat back down, picking up the book I had taken from him not too long ago and he leafed through the pages.

I smiled and wrapped my arms around him, hugging him tightly for a moment and whispering a small thanks before we settled in to read. Taking another book—The Nature of a Soul— from the stack, we got to work. My eyes scanned the table of contents and then the pages.

...Every person has a soul created of the either stars, or earth. Those who have earthen souls are born without magic, but those with Souls of The Stars will grow to be wizards. It is not genetics that decides but the universe itself...

I scribbled down notes as I read, leafing through pages.

...Souls born of the same matter bond to another. It is rare for a Soul of The Stars to bond, but when it does happen it is the work of the universe and no man or magic can break it. This was known as the Consentire Animi Pace. Seers of our kind have often prophesied about Great Darkness that would take hold before these Animi came to unite what was unraveled by generations past. Millenia has passed since this foretelling and it is doubted to exist...

I nudged Draco and showed him the page, watching the way his eyebrows furrowed slightly and he gnawed on his lip when he read something due to concentration. It made me smile.

“Great Darkness?” He muttered softly.

“You know as well as I do who it could be,” My voice was soft and hesitant.

I knew that Draco’s father had fought alongside Voldemort in the first war and I wondered what happened if it came down to it, what would Draco choose? With what I knew from Harry’s

adventures and life story, the threat of Voldemort loomed now more than ever. Was that the Great Darkness that the text referred to?

“This talks about a prophecy,” He murmured, pulling the book that he was reading. “That might be what this is, I can only make out some of it...”

He showed me the carpet page filled with intricate designs and detailed lettering. Some of the page was burned away, leaving half in its wake. I ran my hand softly over the artwork before reading the script:

Nox defluet et malum surget. 

Dos Animī consentiens

Eō die, nox non vincet

Cum illī ...

I stared at the text, grabbing my parchment and slowly translating.

“What do you know?” I asked softly. “What could you translate?”

“Nox is night, malum, evil...” His brow furrowed again.

“Night... falls—will fall and evil will rise. Two souls... joining?” I wrote down what I could. “On that day, night will not conquer, because these souls...”

“You can read this?” He was baffled.

I shrugged. “Just some Latin. Mother taught it to me. That’s why spells are so easy for me... it’s just Latin all I have to do is translate.”

“Bloody hell that’s genius,” He muttered.

“But some of the prophecy is missing... I think most of it probably.” I mused, leafing through the book to see if I could find anything else.

“Do you really think that this is about is though?” He asked softly, timid. “Even if it’s not... it’s still something to know. And it might be important.”

“The only person who would see this as important is Trelawney.” Draco scoffed, leaning back in his chair.

“Maybe she’s the one we really need to talk to if prophecies are caught up in all of this.” I thought aloud. “Did you find anything else?” I looked up from my notes.

“Nothing of use. You?”

“Souls apparently are made from either stars or earth and magic or muggle has nothing to do with genetics,” I shrugged, reading over my notes. “So that’s new I guess.”

“What do you mean it has nothing to do with blood?” He snapped.

“I read it; I didn’t say that it was law. And what does it matter anyway? Magic is magic, no matter who uses it or doesn’t.” I defended, narrowing my eyes.

He grumbled and folded his arms sulking.

“Draco,” I chided, but gave up the notion.

I knew it would take time to undo what his father had engrained in him. Maybe this was step one.

Soon after finding nothing more about the prophecy or soul matter, Pince said that she was closing the library for the night and that we should head to bed before curfew. Returning the books to their proper places, Draco and I walked quietly along the halls.

“I didn’t mean to snap at you.” Draco sighed, taking my hand. “Forgive me?” 

I nodded and offered a small smile.

“We grew up in different worlds, it was bound to clash eventually.”

“Doesn’t make it right for me to take it out on you,”

I raised an eyebrow at him, a smug smile finding its way to my face.

“Yeah, yeah shut up.” He muttered.

“One step at a time,”

We walked along in thought, no words needing to be spoken. Pausing outside the Gryffindor portrait, Draco leaned down and pressed a soft and gentle kiss to my lips.

“Goodnight Y/n,” 

“Goodnight Draco,”

There were words stuck on the tips of our tongue that neither of us dare to utter but felt all the same:

I love you.

.

.

Part 11?

[spectralhero]

My dudes!

Holy shit...I hurt my heart thoroughly. 

This is probably gonna be a mess of rushed, incoherent, ‘wtf is she saying’ type of shit post ever but I need to type this idea out before I fucking forget.

Okay so...

Think Aria/Femshep. Right so! Fuck it feels like I’m already forgetting but hear me out!!!! Like maybe Shep and Aria had an encounter (or a few) before ME1 events even. Especially Mindoir Shepard. So maybe she had been on Omega a while before joining the Alliance or whatever. Plot holes okay! I know!! 

So this is between ME2 and ME3. Instead of Shepard being held by the Alliance and going through all the bullshit with the Defense Committee, she gets a Dishonorable Discharge instead of being imprisoned or some shit for the whole Cerberus thing and the Batarian situation etc etc. 

Anyways, so Shepard ends up on Omega since...well we all know the kinds of people that live on Omega.  So she is just dealing with her PTSD/Depression/Failures/Self-hatred/ etc etc. So she is not in a good place. And since she isn’t on duty anymore and she doesn’t have anything to keep her occupied and her mind off her issues, she now has nothing to keep her focused and distracted. Let’s also not forget the bullshit of the Reapers coming and she cant do shit about it. So that weighs on her as well.

So like, ugh I wish I can just copy-paste the shit in my brain down instead of typing it out since my words cannot do the idea justice. 

So obviously Aria is aware of Shepard being there and she obviously also knows about the discharge. I mean, everyone knows it. This is Shepard after all.

Okay, so Shepard keeps herself busy with merc work, fight clubs, etc. Obviously she gets away with it because she isn’t interfering with Aria’s business deals and shit. But Aria keeps an eye on her.

Long story short (pfft lol), at some point Shepard and Aria end up...relieving stress together (wink wink) and then feels start to happen sloooowly but surely. A little faster for Shepard since..well Aria being Aria and not doing feels and shit.

This makes Shepard once again feel like she belongs somewhere again. Like she is useful and worthy again unlike the constant reminders by others (Alliance, Udina, her friends after finding out about her being with Cerberus and such blah blah blah)

But at some point the inevitable moment happens where Shepard really has a moment of weakness after she had another night with Aria. She tells Aria she cares about her more than she probably should and ARIA...being Aria and not knowing how the fuck anything works that aint anger , determination, ruthlessness, killing, business, etc just fucking ruins the moment and reinforces Shepard’s negative/destructive feelings/beliefs. Like seriously, Shepard is a mess (I hate how Shepard just seems so perfectly fine in the game but anyways lol).

But anyway, Aria just immediately fills and reinforces the cracks that formed in that ice cold wall she has around herself because panics at the vulnerability and emotions she felt. Like we know Aria will not know how to properly handle such a situation.

Long story short (HA! I lie) so this is where the actual pain of my brainstorming moment comes in....

Aria is just like “You should go.” All ice bitch exterior but inside she is panicking because ‘WTF is this human doing to me right now?!’

Okay so what this moment comes down to is like this: 

Shepard has this realization that Aria (which she should not be surprised by), like all the others just used her once again. And she tells Aria this. Confronts her with the “I’m once again just some fucking tool to be used and abused till I am no longer useful. Till I’m broken and discarded.” So that whole thing of her being more trouble than she is worth. Like I feel these words Im typing is waaay too much of an understatement of what I actually wanna say.

Anyways, so! Shepard dresses and leaves and just goes to her apartment that Aria gave her so she can pack what little she has there. Also I also want to add that Shepard is all bruised and exhausted physically from the fight clubs and drinking and all that shit on top of her mental state.

So because of all that, some good soul she found in Omega somewhere, gave her the advice to write in a journal or something since Shepard refuses to talk about her problems. So Shepard has a journal where she has all the people that got killed and that she feels responsible for, written at the back of the journal. Like Benezia, Kaidan, etc etc.

So her plan for the journal...is to space it somewhere when she leaves Omega as a way to ‘kill’ that part of her like when she got spaced and died. It is all she feels that she has left and she wants to get rid of it in some symbolic way. 

Now, she doesnt get the chance to do that because Aria sends someone to get hold of the journal, so Aria reads and she finally gets a chance to see how troubled Shepard is and how much she is really struggling.

The last entry is after the incident where Aria tells her to go. Now, Aria only meant that Shepard needed to leave her place, not fucking Omega.

Anyways, so in this last entry there is this...epiphany that Shepard writes down on why she can’t and might never find that sense of belonging again and why she is doomed to be alone and remain a tool for everyone to use.

Th epiphany sorta would go like this in the journal:

                      Everyone finds their place in the worlds out there. Everyone has a reason for living. People find their place in what they do, the people they are with, the highs, the lows, the good and the bad. 

But when you die, you lose that place among the living. Sure, you will live on in the memories of others, the deeds that you do.... but you will never have that place you once had.

The dead should stay dead. It is the natural order of things. But when I died and came back, I was destined to wander and never find my place again. I am cursed with a life of never belonging again. Never being worthy of others again. The natural order no longer applies to the dead that returns...it has been disrupted. Distorted.

I lost my place when I died. That place that gives meaning is lost to me and I understand that now.

I just wish I realized this sooner.

____________

So Shepard leaves Omega and then...well...*shrugs*

This is a mess I know but I typed so fucking quickly asdkgjhb

[sierracolorstheworldofwords]

Wilford Warfstache x suicidal reader

TRIGGER WARNING: THEMES OF SUICIDE, LOW SELF WORTH, AND DEPRESSION. This was a request on my wattpad, and I experimented with it a little bit. So, Im sorry if the writing style is confusing, but! Mainly everything in italics is a memory, which I wrote using present tense, because sometimes memories feel like they’re happening as you remember them so yee. 

The edge of the roof tempted you, the ground below called you, and you wanted to answer its song.

 You already left the note on his desk, there was no use trying to hesitate now, you could finally do it, you could finally jump. 

You gulped, heart pounding as you put your foot on the ledge, carefully lifting yourself up, using your arms for balance. You looked down onto the hard ground below,which was  cracked just like you were, old and broken. This was the perfect place. An abandoned building in the woods, where no one could find you. No one would have to watch you die. Everything would be fine. By the time Wilford got your note, you’d be gone. Everything was ready, you were prepared, you wrote the note, you gave everything away, it was okay. There was no point in living. There was no point.

You took a deep breath, heart pounding, guts churning, your thoughts whispering at you to do it, to jump. There was no point now. You could fall now..you could fall. So, why did you hesitate? Why did some tiny part of you feel so...afraid? Why was there a voice inside you whispering, don’t?  Why? Why did you feel so sad at the thought of your own passing? Was it because of all the memories playing inside your head? 

One seemed so similar to what you were going through...but oh so different too--

Wilford holds your hand, the two of you stand on a cliff, it’s not that high, only a few feet, but you’re still scared. Even if he reassures you. Before you can protest, he’s counting to three, making your heart pound. You feel so loved, so brave, even if you are afraid. He looks at you smiling, before screaming, “THREE!” The both of you jump, plugging your noses as you both plunge into the cold water. 

WAIT! You don’t need this right now, you didn’t deserve these memories, these fragments of happiness and joy, glimmering glass shards against the darkness within you, you didn’t need them, you didn’t-- 

You’re alone, sad, looking at the sunny summer sky-- why couldn’t you feel that way? Like the sun, or the clouds? A sigh leaves your lips. The, he pops into view-- a bright bubblegum ray of sunshine, asking what was wrong. How can he help-- 

No! You couldn’t do this, you couldn’t! 

You take a deep breath and close your eyes, trying to focus. You were worthless, stupid, an idiot. People always said that-- bullies, your family, until all the voices outside of you invaded your body, filled you, became you. You shook your head, taking a deep breath-- it was time. He would be better off without you. He would be better off-- 

“Oh cupcake, I wouldn’t know what to do without you--”

That was a lie! A lie! He would be so much better off, he would be okay!

“My life was so horrible, so dark..” he whispers, the both of you underneath the sunshine, flower crowns on the both of your heads, the sky shining with light, yet also raining gently, the rain drops looking like liquid gold. “But now, that I have you, I’m so happy--” 

No! No! None of those things are true! You deserved the hurt, the pain that had been festering inside you for years. You deserved it. You deserved it. You deserved it-- 

He holds you so close, the both of you in a pink pillow fort, huddled against the rain. A movie plays on the screen in front of you, but for some reason, you’re crying your eyes out. Bawling. You sniff, “Wh-what did I do..what did I do to deserve you?” He looks at you, brown eyes holding the universe, holding you in them, “Oh bumble bee, I ask what I did to deserve you, and I can’t and.. I can’t think of a single thing, butterscotch.” 

Your laugh is as watery as the tears falling out of your eyes, “Oh god W-Wilfy..I love you.” 

He smiles, holding your hand, “And I love you, gumdrop.”

No, no he doesn’t love you, you don’t deserve him. These memories needed to stop invading your head, making you feel loved, worthy, they needed to stop! You didn’t deserve him!

Then..then why does your heart feel so heavy at the thought of flying away, of leaving him? Why? Why do you want to have another memory of his smile?

He’s smiling at you, the sunset cascading  like rivers of water color behind him, filling your eyes with violet skies, and a rosy sun, clouds looking like sunflowers. He’s so happy, holding your hand, his nose red from the cold. It’s your first anniversary. One year. You lean on his shoulder, smiling, feeling so happy. He has a pink scarf on, and a yellow puffy coat, and you’re wearing the same thing. It’s near christmas time, the world covers itself with darkness, before adorning a cloak of colorful lights, blinking like rudolph’s nose, painting the world in circles of color. It is beautiful here. 

You had never felt so happy before. 

He’s asking what you want for christmas…

The memory hopscotches into another one, another one--

You both play in his backyard, shivering in the cold spring rain, he’s asking what you want for your birthday, even though it’s a while away. The rain is cold, yet so refreshing, so alive-- 

It hops into another.. 

He’s off from work today, and it’s raining, the sky looking as grumpy as you feel. You feel so angry. So mad. He wasn’t supposed to go in today, but he did, and now, you feel like the thunder outside as you look at him. He left in the middle of breakfast, and now, he’s at the front door, wondering why you locked him out. You turn up the radio so you don’t hear him. He frowns, poofing up a whiteboard and marker, writing why he had to go to work. ‘I was saving up for something.’ it says, ‘something important.’ 

You flick him off. 

He scoffs, before erasing the writing, ‘something really important.’ 

You roll your eyes. 

He erases the board again, getting on one knee, fishing something out of his pocket, before writing, ‘We’ve been together for years now..’ he erases it again, ‘and I’ve been wondering..’ 

You put your hands on your hips, ready to go back to the kitchen, instead of staring out the living room window like a stupid idiot. 

‘Will you marry me?’ 

You gasp, your hands going to your mouth before you rush out the door, Wilford looks at you, standing up, a ring in his hand. You hug him, holding him tightly, “YES!” you shriek, laughing in the rain. 

He gave you so much happiness, but what did you give him in return? Nothing. Nothing. It was time to do it. Nothing could stop you now. You heard the familiar sound of him poofing behind you, and cautiously turned, tears gathering in your eyes, your mind overcrowding with memories--

The both of you playing hopscotch. Dancing in the rain. Playing on the beach. His birthday, the both of you throwing cake at each other. The sound of music filling a disco hall, the disco ball glittering. There’s a party somewhere, sometime, and you are dancing-- 

“Cupcake!” You heard Wilford yell, “Get down from there, darling! O-oh sugar pl-please..” You turned to him, tears falling down your cheeks as you did. He extended his arms towards you, walking slowly towards you, until he stood behind you. 

“P-please..please p-puddin…” You saw the tears falling down his face, and you sobbed as he said, “Please, get down, honey, please.. Don’t leave me.” 

You turned towards him slowly, before falling into his arms, tears running down your face and staining his shirt as you buried your face in his chest. You sobbed into the soft fabric, taking in the smell of his cologne, feeling the comfort of his warmth. You felt water landing on your head, and looked up, expecting to see rain, but instead, you saw Wilford crying, begging you to never do that again. 

“I-I love..I love you pumpkin!” He sobbed, “Please.. Please don’t do that ever again! Please! I was so scared of losing you.. I w-wanna spend the rest of my l-life with y--you.. That’s why I asked you to m-marry me..” he whispers, tears falling down his cheeks, his shoulders shaking as he sobs, taking your face in his hands, wiping away your tears, “I wanna be with you for-forever, cupcake, and I-I’ll remind you everyday-- what ever I need to do, I-I’ll do it darling! Pl-please.. Please don’t you ever try something like that again..I love you so much..” 

Your eyes water and you nod, “I-I promise I-I won’t Wilfy, I’m so sorry..” “Shh,” he reassures you, “it’s okay, I’m gonna get you the help you need pumpkin, because I used to feel that way too, all the time, before I met you, but now..now I don’t, because I got help, cupcake, all for you. And you’re gonna do the same for me, okay?” You nod, and he wipes away your tears, a soft smile on his face, “Now let’s go home, alright?” “O-okay.” 

He poofs the two of you home, placing you in your shared bedroom, tucking you in, and sitting on the edge of the bed, conjuring up a pink phone in his hands as he does. He turns it on and calls Doc, setting up an appointment for the next day. You felt so selfish, so stupid--why didn’t you think? The wedding was months away, you had things to look forward to but...but you couldn’t help but feel..unwanted. Unneeded. Like you couldn’t do anything right, like you wanted to die--no, you needed to die. There wasn’t a place for you here, and Wilford was making a mistake by wanting to marry you of all people. 

Wilford hung up the phone and turned to you, still watery eyed, “You have an appointment tomorrow, sugar plum.” he whispered, blinking as a few tears rolled down his face, “I’m sorry, d-darling I just.. I-I’m sorry.” 

“I-I don’t apologize, Wilfy.. I-I’m sorry, I-I should’ve talked to you, f-first..” you take a deep breath, “I just... I always figure you’d be happier without me--” “No! Never, sugar plum!” 

He grabbed your hands in his, and noticed how.. You didn’t seem to believe him. It felt like.. Like no matter what he said would matter, so maybe..maybe he could show you. He closed his eyes, before taking a deep breath, concentrating. “Wilford, what are you--” 

“Close your eyes.” 

You shut them, and as you did, you felt sparks swirling around your wrists, snaking up your arms, like heated kisses, before reaching your head, your eyes became filled with the sight of bright pink light. Then, your eyes became filled with something else, a vision of a pink, slightly static, scene. 

You’re in Wilford’s office, and he’s sitting alone, slumping in his chair, tears in his eyes. 

“Wilford?”

He looks up at you, seeming as if he’s fading into the darkness that surrounds him. 

“Are you alright?” No reply. 

You walk in further, going to the large window behind him and pulling the curtains apart, letting in the sun, he still says nothing. He is a silent statue, he watches you climb on his desk, sitting in front of him. You lift his chin up, causing him to acknowledge you. 

“What’s wrong, Wilfy?” His eyes water, filling with pink bubbles-- you know he doesn’t want to cry, doesn’t want to relive the memories, feel the pain of the wounds again, but you can already see the bubbles floating, floating towards the ceiling. It’s his way of coping-- since bubbles make him so happy. 

“I-I dunno..” he says, his voice sounding so broken, like a wilting flower in a vase.

You stroke his face lovingly, before sitting his head in your lap, tears finally shedding from his eyes as he sobs, your soft coos bringing him comfort.

The last remaining pink bubbles float to the ceiling, popping one by one, filling your view with pink, before you’re in another memory, another time, another place-- his bedroom. The pink fades into grey, and he’s laying in bed, only in his boxers, staring numbly at the ceiling. He’s been like that all week. Unable to get up, unable to eat. 

You can’t take it anymore. Him laying there like a lifeless doll, you can’t. He’s your friend, but you feel so much more for him. 

You pick the lock of his door, he can hear it. He sighs, baggy eyed, hair tangled, and let’s you open it-- he doesn’t care, but you do. You tell him to get up, get dressed. 

He doesn’t care. Just snuggles deeper into the covers. 

You’ve had enough! 

You stomp to his bed, pull off the covers, and grab his arm, rushing him out of bed. 

“What do you want?” He asks. 

“I just want you to -- to take care of yourself!” :”What’s the point?”

“What’s the point?” You ask, “What’s the POINT? I’ll tell you what the POINT is, you have people who love you. Babies who depend on you, friends who worry about you-- come on. You’re getting dressed, you’re eating. Don’t argue.” He takes a shower, he gets dressed, and he eats the meal you prepare. 

The clack of plates and scrapping of forks fades into something else, into a fancy restaurant. You sit in front of him, nervous, sweating, biting your lip, “Wilford, I love you.” “I love you too!” “Not..not like that! More than a friend. I love you in a romantic way.” “You do?” You can see the surprise on his face, and he can see the fear in yours, he smiles, before leaning over the table and kissing you deeply. 

The kiss feels like.. Like warmth in winter, like hot cocoa after a cold day in the woods. 

The kiss fades into something else, the sight of him sleepily kissing you, looking at you so lovingly, saying, “You mean so much to me, sugar, you don’t know how sad I’d be without you. I was so sad without you..so sad..”

Before you respond, the memory breaks, shatters, revealing others, ones of Wilford alone at night, staring at a shot glass, crying softly. Others are of him smiling at the sight of you, laughing with you, there’s more of him crying alone-- crying, crying, crying. You don’t know where you are, but the tears are overwhelming, and you start crying too. Lost in the tears of the past. 

You felt the tears on your cheeks, the soft sobs that came out of your lips as you snapped back into reality. He gripped onto your shirt tightly sobbing with you, “Please don’t leave me, c-cupcake-- I don’t wanna be alone again. Don’t you know how happy you make me? You make me so happy, so, so happy-- please don’t leave. You mean so, so much!”

The both of you hold each other, and you felt the pain inside you uncoiling, releasing, somehow, as you cried. 

“You mean so much to me and other people, cupcake.” He whispers, “If you leave.. I wouldn’t know what to do without you, please-- promise me?”  You swallowed your tears, “I promise.” 

He smiled, tears leaking down his cheeks as he pulled away from you, cradling your face, kissing you so softly, and for a moment, when your lips met his, the edge didn’t call.

[saltymcsaltything]

So tired of being in pain and simultaneously being in a mental fog that keeps me from taking care of myself.

I wake up everyday with my joints and muscles aching. My nerves randomly decide to light up like thermite and make me wake up screaming. My stomach is an absolute fucking mess constantly. I am depressed and anxious 100% of the time and I can't remember what I need to do or what I have done.

Did I take my meds and supplements? Have I drank my water? Where the fuck did I leave my water? Why am I in the kitchen. Why can't I find anything in this house anymore? When was the last time I brushed my teeth, washed my face, showered? When did I last eat something? What was it, and was it something that is going to mess up my guts? What did I eat in the last two days that has me trapped in the bathroom? Was there wheat in that? Did I eat any of a dozen vegetables that I love but shouldn't eat because they wreck me?

And household chores? I hate them now. If it isn't something that requires careful attention, it means my anxiety-riddled mind declares open season to start thinking of every bad thing in my life, and when it runs out of those everything that is wrong in the world. Queue the panic attacks, flashbacks and dissociative episodes. There goes the next 2 hours while I collapse and breakdown or stare at the wall and go bye bye. I think I prefer the dissociation, at least it's a break from the pain.

Try to do something that requires focus? Can't even start. If I somehow manage I forget the steps, or forget which steps I've already done. Guaranteed to fuck something up. Failure? That's game over for the rest if the day. Time to shutdown. Maybe I'll go to sleep.

Sleep? Don't make me laugh. Lie down and mind goes brrrrr. Get up and distract myself. Maybe have a drink. Oops, forgot I took a Xanax a couple hours ago to make it through my grief support group. Now Im fucking wasted and feeling sick. Stupid stupid stupid. At least that turns off the nightmares. Yay for accidentally mixing alcohol and controlled substances. Would have been even more fun if it was muscle relaxers instead so I could be a drooling mess for the next 18 hours.

There's another wasted day. You know what sucks? I can't even do yoga or meditation anymore, and I used to love that so much. Savasana was my jam. But I can't do a good routine that wears me out the right way to calm my mind, because every move hurts too much no matter how I modify it. And so can't meditate if I can't physically calm myself first, because mind go brrrrr when I try, and I'll have a panic attack or dissociate. Closest I get to exercise these days is pacing and rocking, or getting some of that good sitting still with my uncontrolled anxiety cardio action.

What the fuck am I supposed to do? I don't even know where to start with this shit. There's too many moving parts with all this shit and I'm just so done with it. This has been building up for almost a decade, but the last 5 years have been hell because that's when my life essentially blew up.

I'm in therapy, but just when I think I'm learning to cope, some new terrible event happens and I fall apart again. Coping skills? I forget how to do them. Deep breathing? Oh yeah, now I'm focused on doing something critical to survival in a way that feels unnatural, and if I try to go back to breathing normally I can't remember how. Now I have to actively to breathe until something distracts me enough to break me out of it. Mindfulness? Carefully observing everything to try to focus on the present moment? That used to work, but now the calm narration gets shouted down by the heckling critic. "Look at you acting like you can function if you just put your mind to it, you broken piece of shit. Stop pretending you can actually focus or think. It ain't gonna happen. Nothing works and you know it. You're done, give up. Just crawl into a hole somewhere so nobody can see you fall apart."

Fucking hell, how is functioning as a middle aged person so fucking hard? I'm about as emotionally mature as a toddler at this point. The world makes no sense to me anymore and I have no idea why people can be so casually awful to each other. I don't understand anybody else's behavior or motivation to be absolute hateful asshole garbage bastard shit weasels, and everything anyone says to me feels like an attack no matter what their intentions might be.

Wasn't this supposed to get easier as I got older and wiser? Wasn't being sorta financially secure and taking care of all the basic needs supposed to reduce the stress? How can betrayal and grief and illness completely derail my entire life? Why am I so fucking weak?

And why can't I stop screaming into the void?

[aardvaark]

i know everyone gets mad at judy for always checking things like whats happening in the police precinct with the crimes or talking to detectives about those cases and all. i can totally see why jen and all are having a problem with that (steve is technically another example but he can - and lowkey did - die in a hole). it does look dodgy and weird and the situation is stressful for her (”her” being jen - from now on im just gonna refer to jen bc ew steve, so yeah sorry).

i mean i dont like that jen was still being rude or speaking to her like a child except worse and more angrily. she was condescending. but i do understand, at least, the fear resulting in anger at judy.

but ive been thinking about it, and i think the reason judy has a hard time sticking out of these issues is probably because she has previously had to solve every single issue shes experienced alone, when she was young. and she had to be constantly aware - has someone noticed my mother isnt going to school events? has someone noticed that im cooking and cleaning for myself? has someone noticed im tired and stressed? because if a teacher finds out, theyre going to do something, and i dont want to upset my mother because im sure somewhere deep down she really does care and love me sometimes. i dont want to upset anyone at all. 

you’d fear massive changes in your life - everything needs to stay the same, even if its not stable, theres a kind of makeshift stability in constant instability. in always having to manage a crisis. theres steps, theres a mental checklist, theres things to do. she probably thought change would still be worse than this; a total upheaval in the short-term. no guarantee of stability in the future. as things were, she had the guarantee of instability, but it was still a guarantee. 

she’d have to just reason that she could cope with anything. its what i always hear about kids in neglectful or abusive situations, its a pattern i think a lot of us have experienced: “you’re so mature for your age!” / “you’re special (or smart)” / “you’re so grown up!” / “you’re so responsible!” / “you’re sorry kind and sympathetic to your peers!”. this isnt meant to hurt, it doesnt necessarily hurt, its often from other adults who have no idea whats happening. but the behavior theyre seeing is more along the lines of: quiet, constantly alert, anxious, sad, upset, fearful. 

[imo, theres a harmful misconception that quiet/stressed/rarely happy = growing up, becoming more mature. i do think its kind of awful that you’re not meant to have that child-like fascination and excitement with the world when you get older, but its true that just does often go away a little with time, completely naturally. but it can also be harmful to make that A Thing, because childhood depression and anxiety or experiencing potentially traumatic or otherwise stressful and upsetting situations can also lead to showing similar signs - just faster, earlier. and these can be misread as just being very mature for your age. but thats a separate issue i have with the world, lol.]

anyway, so shes found the only option is to hide the problems and present as totally fine. make excuses. lie. keep secrets. these behaviours have stuck with her, too. and so would the feeling that there is constant danger. she must know what the exact extent of the danger is at all times because she must monitor everything. she needs to be on the lookout for threats, because there are always threats. she has to check, be responsible, no one is going to help her, theres an order to the disorder, theres a way to manage the chaos and only she knows how because this is just another crisis. her average state, a day-in-the-life of judy hale.

shes always had to do that, in the context of her growing up. but although its the same feeling of stress, its a different context now, and that behaviour is a lot more suspicious in this situation. especially now, because shes an adult. and now shes not alone in the stressful environment, other people (eg jen w/the murder) want and need a say in how problems are being sorted out. and jen is kinda right, you know, you cant go around checking in with the police, it looks pretty odd. judys form of crisis management isnt applicable here, but judy doesnt really think about that, shes thinking about how best to keep herself safe. and thats how she thinks she is going to be safe, because thats what has worked. in fact, she was doing it because she wants jen to be safe, too. 

shes doing the best she can with what she has, but her childhood was terrible and she never had the opportunity to form normal, more effective, adult-life socially applicable crisis management skills. all she did get was what she had to do as a child, to protect herself in a horribly twisted way, because she was a child who did not get to grow up in the way everyone else did. she missed out on a lot of things that you gain when youre not under extreme pressure just to survive and hide major problems while also having to live with those major problems. she didnt get to learn how to find more subtle ways of getting information, or when it was better to just not interact at all. 

what she learnt let her live back then, it prevented her world from unravelling. how can she be expected to let go of those makeshift survival skills? how can she be expected to go against the instincts that have clearly saved her before? how can she be expected to confront her slowly growing understanding that her life should never have been like that, that she was robbed of her childhood, that she has had a horrible thing happen to her, that countless horrible things have happened to her, how can she be expected to accept that she deserved better than she has ever gotten? how can she be expected to allow herself all these feelings and fears she has been pushing down her entire life?

admitting/realising that she doesnt know what to do, that she isnt safe and cant control the situation by herself, means admitting far too much: it means admitting that she was never meant to be capable of coping by herself, that she actually couldnt cope with literally everything life threw her way no matter what - shes not okay, she didnt have some supernatural ability to somehow deal with everything, and she wasnt supposed to. that her mother knowingly put her in an unsafe situation, and she was not meant to just learn how to cope.

i dont think jen does or really truly can currently realise that, but i hope she starts to see that if she learns more about judy’s mom and all... she definitely didnt get that judy was stressed and actually doing what she thought was great, and also that what she has been doing isnt out of naivety or something, but kind of the opposite - more like she knows too much, has been too exposed, and now shes just applying those things here but it doesnt work here.