#this is from some sort of live event? im not entirely sure I need to look into it

[rosemirmir]

My skin is clear, crops flourishing, soul is healed (source)

[milksnake-tea]

━━ die with a smile .

In every zombie apocalypse, there's always one who is immune to the infection. And Blade, it seems, is the unlucky one who has to carry that burden.

blade x gn!reader (kinda. relationship is ambiguous)

contains: gorey language (rotting flesh, wounds), zombie apocalypse au, horror(???? I GUESS????? I DONT EVEN KNOW BRO), reader dies lol, blade got major issues

wc: 2.4k

a/n: lord i am NOT good with horror BUT !!! might as well give this a try. if you can call this horror. I DONT EVEN KNOW I DONT WRITE OR READ HORROR IM JUST A GIRL anyways. this is for @stellaronhvnters's event that's happening rn! the prompt i ended up choosing was zombie, and i hope i brought it to life! i am actually so sad i wasn't allowed to write for sunday. can you believe this. SIGHS

taglist: @sh0jun , @themoderatelyawesomeninja , @xphantasmagoriax , @rainswept , @lucensei , @akutasoda , @naraven , @scribs-dibs , @apathicace , @flurrina , @tragedy-of-commons , @cakechase , @kiiyoooo

Immune.

It is a word that Blade has heard time and time over again, and a word he has grown to hate.

Immune. Immortal.

A blessing, it is, to any other soul, especially in an apocalypse such as this. In a world where survival itself is a luxury, and comfort even moreso, what sane person wouldn’t wish for eternal life - or better yet, a life without fear of death?

They say he is lucky, the others. They say that he is blessed, and that whatever cruel deity overlooked this world must’ve found a sliver of fondness towards him.

They say that he is not human, the others. They say that he is something entirely else - not someone, no, something that cannot possibly fathom the pains of humanity, of a mortal life.

And so they say, why not let him bear the weight of a savior? After all, blessings must be used, and they cannot allow Blade to be selfish.

A pity, truly. They seemed to have forgotten, the others, that no matter how blessed he may seem, the deity is still cruel, and will not stand for shortcuts.

And so, Blade has long forgotten the meaning of the word “companion”.

Days pass like seconds in his constant weariness, and his body has become something akin to that of a clock; going through the motions, surviving but not living. His eyes bear witness to the downfall of his home, and yet he cannot see it - he cannot see anything; not the once-vivid colors of nature nor the once-bright streams of light that dare to warm his barely living skin.

He knows not where he is right now. All he knows is that he is injured, a gash on his arm that streams with useless blood. It will heal in due time, which is why…

“This is unnecessary,” he rasps.

If you had a name, he doesn’t remember it. Your face is blurred as everything else in this world is. You’re one of many, hundreds, that he has traveled with - why, he doesn’t know. Perhaps he feels some sort of obligation, like the ones the others have said long ago, to protect those who aren’t favored like he is.

But that isn’t Blade’s main concern. What is, is the bandages binding his wound, bleeding bandages that are wasted on someone of his constitution.

“I will heal,” he continues, his voice a repetitive drawl. “Save it for your own skin.”

And yet the bandages do not fall - in fact, they may have tightened.

“Your blessing allows you to recover from injuries and pain,” you reply, weariness wearing down your own voice, and yet there is a spark of indignation beneath the exhaustion. “It does not excuse you of pain.”

Blade scoffs. “I am not so weak as to kneel from such an insignificant wound.”

“But it hurts, doesn’t it?”

He blinks. Seizing his stunned silence, you continue.

“While your body takes the time to heal, it becomes prey to infections, parasites, all of which are painful and annoying to deal with, as I’m sure you know. It isn’t wise to rely on your blessings all the time.”

But it’ll only take a second. Gods work quick, after all, and their blessings quicker. He has no need for your bandages nor for your ointment.

He sighs.

“Do what you want.”

He doesn’t have the energy to argue much further. If this futile attempt at aiding him is what will calm you, then he will bear with it.

Blade rears his head slightly so that he can catch a glimpse of the wasteland that lies outside the broken-down shack you’ve temporarily taken refuge in. The streets are quiet - for now. But evidence of past destruction stains the road in warning: do not stay, do not yield. Do not think you are safe, for even a moment, because that is when they will strike.

And they will come, the victims and the assailants, with their rotting flesh and grey skin, and you will have but two options: survive and remember, or join them in their pack.

Both you and Blade are well aware of this fact, evident by the fact that you are still human. No one survives long in a world like this without some sort of wits on them, which makes your insistence on treating him all the more befuddling.

He inhales, and the stench of decay fills his nostrils.

They will be here soon.

He stands up abruptly, interrupting your work and leaving the bandage untied. With a grunt, he finishes the binding himself, cutting off the excess with his namesake.

“We can’t afford to dally,” he says gruffly as he pulls on his black coat once more, hiding the bandages and shielding his scars from past battles. “Come.”

He doesn’t wait for your answer. If you have any brains in there, you’ll follow.

It’s eerie, the way fog curls and billows like smoke as he wretches open the door. He cannot feel the wind, but he sees it well enough in the way it drags the fallen clouds across the deserted earth and tickles what little life is left in the leaves of wilted trees.

He hears your footsteps behind him, along with a little sigh, and he resumes his march.

Dried leaves crack under his boots. The air is quiet, as if he were in a vacuum chamber, too quiet. He wonders how long ago it had been since these dirtied streets were clean and covered not by leaves and dried flesh, but by the pit-pats of dozens of people, all on their next chapter of life.

The silence is deafening. His brows furrow slightly.

With a glance back at you, he confirms his suspicions. Your hackles are raised, and the grip on your weapon has switched from idle to offensive. You peer into the fog’s depths, scanning the premises for anything, live or dead, that might be hiding.

Neither of you dare to speak. Talking only sets them off.

But then again, if they are really here, there is little you can do to deter them.

They come in packs - at least, most of them do. Like the humans they used to be, they can be quite fickle. Most prefer each other’s company - if they can call it company, but there are always one or two or five who go on their own, and those either die quickly or become stronger than what is manageable.

His breath mists from his slightly parted lips.

He breathes in through his nose.

The air is sour.

He stops.

He listens.

And then he hears it - the crack of a leaf, crushed under a foot that is neither his nor yours.

Instinct seizes him and he whirls and grabs you and throws you out of the way. Steel meets flesh, carving it with the precision of a butcher and the life he used to have. He faintly registers cold blood as it coats his face in a splatter, its iron taste on the tip of his tongue as he shouts at you,

“Go!”

They come in packs, the creatures. As they swarm him like an infestation of houseflies, Blade begins to miss the eerie silence.

He plunges into a familiar, red-tinted haze. He slashes and slices and cuts through corpses of those who should’ve been put to rest. Rotted teeth bite into his arms (he briefly remembers your insistence on infection) and he kicks them off and his namesake soon follows.

Undying, the two of them are. They are more similar than the others like to admit, but truth is, they are both cursed by the deity. Never will they live, never will they die. Forever, they must exist in this world, until all that’s left of them is a memory.

For how much longer must he endure this? For how much longer must he fight?

He’s tired.

He wants to sleep.

But rest doesn’t come easy.

In the corner of his eye, another one of them lunges at him, falling teeth bared and eyes lolling from their sockets. He tugs his sword, but it is hindered - only slightly, embedded in the flesh of another. It’s a second he’ll lose, and a second that decides it all.

For a moment, he’s half tempted to let it bite.

But then comes a BANG! and then the distinctive smell of gunpowder and then his face is coated in body bits once more.

“What’re you doing?!” Now it’s your turn to grab his arm and pull him away. “There’s too many of them. Let’s get out of here!”

He clicks his tongue in annoyance. You’re loud, but you’ve got a point.

You shove him behind you and unclip one of the many grenades that hang from your belt. He knows this move well enough now, and therefore knows to avert his gaze once he hears the pin pulled and the bomb sails into the crowd of them.

BOOM!

The explosion is only just enough to startle their attackers and create enough of a divy in their ranks that you can push through. Blade leads the retreat, catching any stranglers with his sword while you keep your gun aimed behind you to ward away any pursuers.

He runs, as he always does. He scales hills with a speed that should’ve left his legs stiff and burning, leaps over canals that are flooded with pollution, and turns corners so fast that his neck might’ve broken. Only once or twice does he glance back to see if you are following. 

You are, although, you are slower. Something is weighing you down.

He runs, until he can no longer hear the groans of the deceased and the sourness fades away into crisp nothingness. The smoke-fog lolls back, and he thinks he finds peace, but then-

A weight crashes into his back, making him stumble. With a growl he doesn’t feel, he leers at you.

“What now-?”

He stills as he sees your state.

“Sorry, I just-” Your breath is ragged as you pant. You try to push yourself off, but your legs give out and you crash back into him. But that’s not what catches Blade off-guard.

You are like a second sun, with the heat searing through your skin and burning him through his clothes. His eyes widen as he fully takes you in.

Sweat drips off of you in raindrops. Your skin shivers in small, terrifying tremors. Your breath is short and rasp and choked and hollow, as if every inhale takes all of your energy. Your eyes are barely peeking open as you try to stay conscious.

Words die on the tip of his tongue.

You inhale again, gasping as you try to speak. You want to move, but your body fails you.

“S-”

“Quiet.” He turns you against his chest to assess the danger. Your chest heaves, and- there.

He’s seen it far too many times.

No. Not again.

How- When? When had it- no.

His brows furrow and his teeth grit.

There, tearing through your jacket and into your shoulder, ripped clothes and frayed threads, a bite, black, purple, bruised and bloody and slobbery. And in between, the beginnings of greying skin.

An infection.

His mind begins to race for the first time in years. Fear erupts in him like a sealed volcano as he fights himself on what to do with you.

He should kill you. Get it over with, make it quick before you suffer. There’s no coming back from a bite - you’re as good as dead now, so it wouldn’t be wrong, right? It wouldn’t be the first time he’s had to kill a fallen companion (if you could even call them that).

Yes, he should - he needs to do it. Now, while you’re still weak and vulnerable, while you still hold your humanity within your grasp.

In one hand, is you, a person whom he has only known for a month or so. In the other hand is the sword that has never left his side.

The choice is obvious.

Yet why can’t he make it?

“Bl…Blade,” you rasp. His glare pierces you. “I…”

“Don’t waste your energy,” he says quietly, almost gently. He doesn’t recognize his own voice.

“...this-” you cough suddenly, hacking phlegm for a few horrid seconds before you’re able to speak again. “This is- like a really bad time to say this, but… you smell really, really good. Like… like… like meat.”

He freezes.

Now. Do it, as you always have. Don’t think of it any longer.

Yet his feet are rooted and his hands are stone. Like a moth to a flame, his eyes can’t tear away from your face as you stagger, dirtied hands clutching at his dirtied coat. Your lidded eyes are hazy.

His namesake is heavy like a weight in his hand. Bandaged, calloused fingers grip and shift and relax and then tighten again around the handle as he struggles with a decision.

He takes too long.

You lunge at him with abrupt strength and tackle him to the ground. Blade chokes as gravel digs into his shoulders. Still-warm hands seize onto his broad shoulders with a grip so tight they might shatter. And above him, the sun halos your silhouette, basking you in shadow.

The grip on his shoulders trembles.

“Sor….” your language begins to slur, deteriorating into the common groan of them. “Hung….”

Blade doesn’t reply, too caught up in his mind and in witnessing your last moments as a human. Your mouth hangs open, breath and saliva dripping from it as the grey climbs up your skin in patches of mold.

“Hurs…” you mutter. ���Hurs… so…”

Your hands leave his shoulders in favor of pulling down his collar in a manner that is hauntingly gentle. You pull, layers and layers of cloth down and away until his throat is fully exposed, Adam’s apple bobbing.

Fingers trace his throat, thumbs rubbing against it. Animalistic hunger overtakes your pupils, which have always smiled so kindly and tiredly at him, blurring all sentient thoughts away.

Blade squeezes his eyes shut. He breathes, feeling the air pool in his lungs.

And then, at last, he decides.

You scarcely resist as he switches your positions. He slams you to the concrete and raises his namesake, pointed tip situated just above your heart.

And then he sees you, as he always has.

And despite your clouded eyes, your dog-like breaths, and the mold growing on your skin, you smile softly.

But why?

Out of relief?

Out of gratitude?

Or… out of forgiveness?

Blade doesn’t know, nor does he ever find out, as he takes one last look at your life, soaking in all that remains of you and burning it into his memory.

And then he plunges, and the deity laughs once more.

And again, he loses the meaning of companion.

reblogs w comments are appreciated !!

[luvo27]

Fantasy High Gravity Falls au:

Opens with riz and fig sitting next to each other upstairs listening to their parents argue: namely, gilear and sandra lynn are arguing with each other, and gorthalax and sklonda are trying to mediate

The cause of the argument is, of course, the revelation that fig is not gilear’s biological daughter with the growing in of her horns

Gorthalax, not having known that fig was his biologically, now wants to be a part of his daughter’s life: riz and sklonda are there because he’s dating sklonda

This is the first time riz and fig have met. It’s super awkward! Very wow i can’t believe im meeting this girl because her mom cheated on her dad. Wow i cant believe im meeting this guy because my mom cheated on my dad with his moms boyfriend

Anyways, sklonda and gorthalax are like, “clearly you and gilear need some time and space to figure things out, and the kids really shouldn’t have to deal with this. Why don’t we send them away for the summer?”

“Where?”

Gorthalax: “well, i grew up in this lovely town called Gravity Falls. I have a friend there—”

“Friend?”

“Well, I’m not exactly sure what else to call him. Friend is about as accurate a description that I can apply. Ex-boss?”

“Fair. But we’re really going to send the kids to stay with him?”

“It’ll be a good learning experience!”

Anyways riz and fig get sent to Gravity Falls to live with one Arthur Aguefort who runs the Mystery Shack

For some reason despite never having been affiliated with a school in any capacity, he insists they call him Principal Aguefort. He’s the most unhelpful adult either riz or fig have met in their entire lives, but he provides them with rooms and food, so that’s chill. They can entertain themselves anyways.

Gorgug, Adaine, Kristen, and Fabian are all Gravity Falls residents. Gorgug and Adaine work at the mystery shack part time, Fabian’s this weird rich kid who hangs around with them for no apparent reason, kristen is way too casual about the cult that she escaped from and constantly talks about how she and adaine live in the woods with a pack of werewolves

There’s a werewolf episode where they actually meet said werewolves: enter tracker and jawbone

Anyways, fig and riz get to know each other over the course of the summer and grow close with the other gravity falls kids as they get into fun and delightful adventures

Riz finds a journal at some point early in the summer with a feather burned into the cover, and uses this to guide all his friends in their adventures

At some point, they meet adaine’s sister who still lives with their parents after she reluctantly comes to adaine and her friends for help exorcising their mansion. It turns out it’s a trap to try to kidnap adaine back home. Adaine lets (read: commands) the ghosts haunting her old family home to kill her dad. The van with hands chases their mom into the woods. No one is particularly sad about either of these events. Aelwyn is going to take over this mansion and fill it with the cats she always wanted but could never have. Adaine, kristen, and their werewolf adoptive family move in. there are MANY sleepovers.

At some point there’s an episode where the kids find out that Fabian is part mermaid when his pirate mermaid family comes to visit

At some point there’s an episode about ghosts and the afterlife where riz gets to say hi to his dad briefly

As the summer progresses, fig grows more comfortable with her demon heritage. Sklonda, Gorthalax, Gilear, and Sklonda visit to check in on their kids on weekends when they can, and fig delights in getting to know her bio dad and repairing her relationship with gilear, and she basically adopts sklonda as a second mom, and she’s really excited to have riz as a brother, plus they’ve made all these really cool friends that she can keep in touch with now.

Riz, on the other hand, can’t stop thinking about what’s going to happen when the summer ends. He’s gotten attached to Fig as a sister, and when the summer ends and her parents sort out their problems is that going to mean that they’re going to go back to how they were before? He doesn’t want to leave his new friends behind, he doesn’t want to go back to the way his life was before, he doesn’t want to lose any of this

Theres an episode where the kids track down gorgugs parents

It’s either about how his bio parents had their memories of gorgug wiped and the bad kids tracking them down and solving that mystery

Or is just completely normal.

“Hey gorgug do you want to find your bio parents?”

“Huh. sounds fun. sure!”

There’s an episode where the kids find arthur’s stash of fake identities.

“Who the fuck is Barthur Baguefort?”

“It’s Arthur wearing sunglasses.”

There’s an episode where the bad kids encounter and probably kill kristen’s former cult

None of the kids are particularly close to Arthur. They don’t really care about the secrets he’s hiding.

At some point, riz is trying to solve some conspiracy or the other, and this is when kalina first appears to him

At some point, the kids wake up to find arthur’s left his secret basement door room open when the kids are having a sleepover. They go in as the portal is opening, and out steps the author of the journals: ayda aguefort.

She’s been traversing the multiverse after an argument with her dad got her thrown in there during one of her research projects. Traversing the multiverse was kind of chill, actually, she’s got a hunger for knowledge and boy did she learn a lot on her adventures

She joins the bad kids on their adventures, and fig is of course delighted to have another friend (and maybe more!)

The time the kids have left before summer ends grows shorter and shorter.

Kalina appears to fig. She makes her an offer, she wants to make a deal. Fig could be gilears biological daughter, if she wants. She could have parents who never cheated on each other, she could go back to her happy idyllic childhood.

Fig does not take the deal. The entire summer for her was finding the silver lining, was learning how to repair relationships and move forwards. If her heritage never came to light, she never would have grown her family basically three times as large

So kalina goes to riz. And riz is so, so desperate. All he wants in the world is a guarantee that people won’t leave him. And kalina? Delivers.

So riz is thrown into a bubble dimension with his devoted partner created to fulfill his deal in the most monkeys paw of situations: enter baron from the baronies

The thing kalina gets out of this deal is for the Nightmare King to be let into their realm, bringing the apocalypse into gravity falls one weekend when riz and figs parents are visiting

The bad kids now have to save riz and defeat the nightmare king. Power of friendship time!

Pooling together collective knowledge from everyone’s adventures: the parents, who used to live in gravity falls, ayda, whos been traversing dimensions, the bad kids, who’ve been messing about with random stuff all summer, they piece together the nightmare king’s story

Kristen’s old cult is plot relevant now! It turns out that they were a doomsday cult and hundreds of years ago, sacrificed the being known as the nightmare king in an attempt to bring about the end of times. They thought it didn’t work, but they’re probably delighted that it’s finally happening

Kristen had escaped the cult because she was being set up to be the sacrifice for apocalypse attempt part 2. This makes her uniquely suited to extend a hand.

“Oh, dude, I totally get what you’re going through. But like, me and my friends completely wiped out those guys-like, killed—”

“Killed? What have you kids been up to? I knew we shouldn’t have trusted aguefort with children—”

“So it’s chill now! And like, bringing about the apocalypse is only going to give them what they want, so maybe don’t do that. I get it though, like I’ve been exactly where you are. Like, exactly. Crazy how the world works, right? Anyways, my name’s Kristen. What’s yours?”

Enter cassandra!

The summer wraps up. The question remains: where do they go from here?

Sandra lynn and gilear have decided that separating is the best option for them. And over their visits, sandra lynns gotten to know jawbone and there’s definitely something there…

I think it’s kind of bittersweet. Sandra lynn and fig move in with jawbone, and sklonda and riz and gorthalax go back to their old place. Summer doesn’t last forever, as much as anyone might want it to, but you don’t need to go back to how you were before. Gorthalax visits fig all the time, and when he can, riz joins, and when sklonda can, she comes along as well. She’s got friends in gravity falls too. Maybe it’s about learning to trust that people will put in the effort to keep up with each other when it gets more difficult. Maybe it’s about the family you find along the way, and the ways you’ll always keep them. Maybe life doesn’t work out how you thought. Maybe reality sets in, overtaking the summer haze. Maybe it’s better. Who knows?

Where did kalina go? What was her whole deal? I have no idea.

[rearranging-deck-chairs]

Hi hello I watched all of carmilla in a weekend when I was 17 because a student teacher who in retrospect I had a bit of a crush on mentioned that she knew one of the actresses. also I am pretty invested in all your recent vampire stuff because I watched iwtv in 2 days last week because your edit intrigued me

oh hiiii 🫶 thank you for indulging me. thats so cool that you watched iwtv! did it live up to the expectation?

i also watched carmilla at 17! or like, 17-19. i found it when s2 had just started and followed it to the end. did something permanent to my brain but i think it was a good thing. on rewatch now im like, i was right to like this. like it's a solid show, it's good. it has its flaws obviously but it's well written, the emotional moments still get me, i can see why i liked it and i still like it now even when it's not anymore, you know, meeting every need that baby gay me didnt even know they had

what it doesnt reaallyy do though - i dont remember if i posted abt this or if i left it in my drafts but - is explore vampirism as a concept. their subject matter is more lesbianism than vampirism. which is great! thats what they wanted to do and they did it and it's very good. but reading interview with the vampire the book rn im realising how much potential vampires have to be metaphors for like so many things and i started wondering like 'wait, did carmilla just not really engage with it or did it all go over my head'. but it just didnt really engage with it all that much. which again is fine bc that wasnt what they were doing. im glad they were more about the lesbianism than the vampirism

but there's this interesting difference in framing, because in iwtv they keep calling armand 'ancient' right? and emphasising how old he is. and he's like 500? and i was like 'wait isnt carmilla like 400?'. she isnt, shes 340, but still, thats getting there, you know? and we know quite a lot about her history, but kind of just the Big Events. when she was turned, the events of the novella, coffin of blood, silas. thats sort of what we know. but none of the long lonely slog of history day to day you know? with armand i feel like we can really feel how much time everything takes. how every one of those years is made up of single days. with carmilla i dont feel that as much. i keep kind of thinking about daniel, when louis calls him a boy in the first episode, saying "im an old man, with all the triggers that come with it"

because carmilla might look 18 (or mid twenties at this point) but she has lived all that time. shes also seen her native land be claimed by like a succession of ruling powers, right? like armand. shes been buried alive, like louis. when lestat is born, shes already 80 years old, shes lived a whole human lifetime, and the entire adult part of it shes been a vampire. shes lived through 1680-1870 being a lure. i compared her to abigail hobbs in some tags on a post, i dont know if youre familiar with hannibal the tv show, but i do also kinda keep thinking about that comparison

if youre not familiar, in the first episode of hannibal the murderer of the week is this guy garrett jacob hobbs who kills and cannibalises girls who resemble his daughter. and later on it turns out she was made to be his lure. like they'd go places and he'd sent her to the victims to make friends and maybe get them back to their home or smth. not sure if they specified all the details. but that's what carmilla did for mother. and in s2 we hear from mattie that while every couple of decades carmilla had to lure victims for the fish god, she also seemed to just enjoy humans between those times, right? like the doctor, gets lonely, gets a new companion. but we've only sort of got mattie's mocking word for it ("dont eat him, hes a poet! or her, shes got such a wonderful voice. or that one, shes just too pretty to ruin"), we don't know exactly from carmilla's point of view what she was doing or why. if mattie's talking about stuff that happened after the blood coffin, 1950-now, then i think it's a fair assumption based on what carmilla says in the s1 sock puppet show that after she'd figured out what the real situation was and what her role in it was, when she'd started trying to save girls from being sacrificed, that she mightve been doing the same trying to save people from becoming mattie's victims. it's probably more likely that she was just trying to find excuses to stop mattie from sucking someone dry rather than actually having like an aesthetic based morality. but it might be a bit of both. im still trying to figure out what her philosophy actually is, like i dont know what existentialism actually means ghkfjghkj but i will

i also found it pretty striking in the movie when shes turning back into a vampire she says like "this was supposed to be done, you know? the blood lust, the self-loathing, the sleeping tied to a chair in my own bedroom". thats what defines her vampirism, wanting blood and hating yourself for it (the third part is a joke/reference to s1 but also i think meaningful for how she sees her relationship with laura when she IS a vampire. little bit of that 'she will reject me for my monstrousness' shining through). and thats what defines vampirism for lots of vampires across the genre obviously, but i dont know, it struck me. we dont get a lot from carmilla's pov, we know a fair amount about her, but the story is always told through laura. we get laura's diaries, but just snippets here and there from carmilla, what shes thinking, how shes feeling

and i love that shes a philosopher. i love that thats how she seems to try and find something to hold onto, in a world that kind of moves around her, having been murdered, kidnapped, turned and groomed to be a lure on the cusp of adulthood, never having been properly loved (the relationship with her father wasnt good she says in s3, and her mortal mother i dont think has ever been mentioned (like laura's)). the only good relationship she seems to have had for the better part of 3 centuries seems to have been mattie, and mattie seems to love being a vampire. i can imagine carmilla just sort of going along with anything mattie wants to do just because shes so desperate for that friendship. not like, against her will necessarily really. but more like, she hasnt even had the space to develop her own will, you know? and philosophy lets you do that. philosophy gives you frameworks to understand the world and to develop your own opinions on it. and by the 21st century she seems to have developed those opinions, she has a sense of her own values, but shes also still stuck in that same situation. shes jaded and cynical in the face of laura's optimism and strong moral code a lot of the time in s1 because she feels probably pretty powerless. like she does what she can to save some girls but at the end of the day shes scared of her mother and she has nowhere else to go really, right?

i like how she grapples with that over the course of the series, in tandem with laura grappling with her black and white morality. she sort of jumps ship from her mother to laura bc theyve fallen in love, but then laura still stuck in her hero thinking refuses to see her monstrous side. not literally bc i think the biological vampirism never seemed to be a problem for laura, but morally. the having murdered. carmilla needs laura to see that and love her while seeing it bc the last girl she loved rejected her for being a vampire.

but you see her kind of swing back and forth in s2. she softens first with laura but then they break up and she leans back hard into the sarcastic cynic defense mechanisms, leans hard into "im a monster, dont expect heroism from me". but thats like, it's sort of learned helplessness i think. it's powerlessness, resignation. bc morally shes not a monster. maybe she doesnt have as strong a drive to help other people as laura does and is a little more selfishly hedonistic in that she just wants to enjoy her/their life, but she doesnt hurt people for fun, she never has. she just sort of didnt have another option for a Really long time. so she pretends she doesnt care. "im a vampire, this is what i do, this is who i am". but clearly from the way she talks about it when she turns back into one, she doesnt enjoy it

and i like how she goes even further in s3, where she starts swinging even more to the heroic side, bc she sees hope. shes like "wow if we kill my mother, i'd be free". theres hope and she becomes like a lot more active. and shes like that at the start of the movie too, a lot happier, a lot more relaxed, and then vampirism is back and bam depression gfhgkjh like shes immediately more gloomy, ashamed of her past and her self, retreats into herself

sorry i just took this as an opportunity to dump all the carmilla thoughts floating in my head on you. you didnt ask fhkghgjh consider this an open invitation to you or anyone else to come talk to me about carmilla

[fractured-shield]

Hiiiiii! I would like to request a rambling about your WIP. Anything you've been wanting to talk about?? Yeah, I want to hear about that!!

omg hi!!!! hm okay let me see. i've been in the middle of redrafting the entire thing for the past few months so i am full of a multitude of very disorganized thoughts. i think i'll talk about my mc's mother bc i recently had so many good ideas about her (you can see her here)

things to know about Leithe. she's 5'5". I've spelled her name about half a dozen different ways through my drafts. she's really bad at lying. she's pan. i associate her with sunflowers and yellow chrysanthemums.

she was the child of lesser nobles in Ngelorim (one of 3 kingdoms that was later abandoned) and despite socially really not needing to do anything of the sort, she was a very outspoken peace advocate and proponent of strengthening the Alliance to include non-elves. (in this setting, elves aren't really like...better in any way? they just live a long time, and humans think they're sort of cowards and unreliable, due to the whole "abandoning kingdoms after magic eco-warfare caused a mass soil degradation speedrun" thing, which is remembered with a lot less nuance by human oral retellings.)

she was coppersmith (?) by hobby. that's very specific so idk for sure but she made jewelry of some variety and was like. passably decent at it. just for fun. she was halfway decent with a sword, I'm thinking maybe like a light sabre/rapier, again just for fun and because she liked staying active and like. queer woman's fixation on swords and all that.

she met idhren at some stuffy social event, where she was speaking about a probably-unpopular political stance. at the time, he was serving on the council in Linador (one of the other 3 kingdoms) as a mediator, or...maybe he was already on the larger Alliance council I need to redo the timeline. and he was immediately just so impressed because, you know, she didn't have to be saying any of that, it wasn't popular, but she didn't care. so naturally he Did Not Fucking Talk To Her. at least not on purpose. later that night he went outside for some fresh air (introvert social battery on 0%) and ran into her. and they hit it off, kind of bonded over people seeing only surface-level things about them. she was pissed off about only being seen as a pretty face and nobody listening to her words, and he was uncomfortable with the unwanted attention of people always pointing out his foreign Fairalmin accent.

they eventually became pretty close friends. don't worry about the timeline. hundred years or so lmao. a very "he fell first, she fell harder" type thing: he kind of always saw her as like a safe person, someone he enjoyed being around and who was entirely captivating as an aside, but he was perfectly content to leave it at that and never mention it. she'd only seen him as like, very serious in a quiet melancholy sort of way, sort of demure and whatever, and vaguely knew he'd been a low-ranking military officer before a council mediator, but at some point saw him sparring and in armor and was just like. "oh. ok cool. im very normal about this. fuck." i made a post of her with the "babygirl your enormous eyebags and just barely noticeable tremor have captivated me" meme and like. yeah.

at that point he was on the Alliance war-council thing I mentioned, and in a...well I hesitate to call it a relationship, with the general/warmaster leading it all. worked closely under him, they'd both experienced similar losses they hadn't really healed from, the warmaster wanted a purely physical distraction from the stress of war/his partner's death. again, Idhren was perfectly content to ignore his own feelings of wanting something more, but finally he did have to break it off just for his own sanity. honestly, he and Leithe (who were sort of figuring out their feelings by then) would've been okay with a casual poly thing if it'd been on the table.

anyways, in the war's aftermath they became a couple in earnest. at some point Therien (my mc) was born. she's a weird little fucker lmao i love her dearly. when Therien was 12, Leithe was part of some peace convoy during a nearby kingdom's civil war, and was killed when they were attacked.

idhren was like "oh my god i am not mentally stable enough to be responsible for raising a child in a healthy environment she needs to stay with my friend for a few years while I get through this" which like, not a great option, but the guy had been launched full force back into half-healed trauma response suicidal ideation so I can't blame him. my first book begins 5 years later, when Therien meets her father again and gets the chance to come home, right on the edge of another war, and gets to learn a lot about her parents on top of the usual teenage uncertainties.

(also thank you for letting me ramble about this it was very fun lol, I'm going to spend time reading up on your wip posts so I can ask questions about them as soon as I have a chance <3)

[bibiana112]

HIIII ive seen you mention your ztd aftermath fic a few times in tags and id rly like to know more... feel free to yap about it im curious

Hiii hellooo SO!!! Something that always sticks out to me with fics that touch a little on the immediate post ztd reactions is that things just kind of sort themselves out and everyone chills out for a little bit which I cannot see happening like no wayyy it's okay for the purposes of other people's fics but personally I'm a staunch believer in effort going into the smallest things in life especially when it involves a group of people and especially when you're fucked up as they'd be after that and it's something I love exploring in my writings like expanding in gross detail on the more mundane ups and downs between all the high stakes stuff like I don't think they'd walk out of there working in harmony at allll there'd be so many factors going into how everyone would be thinking and how they'd interact with each other and how the lives they've lead would inform the new trauma after that and how each of them would react to their immediate circumstances like on a physical level

I mean. Diana is completely new to any of this stuff and she's supposed to just transition seamlessly into a sudden new commited relationship and a daughter her own age? Phi has not gotten a single break since she experienced the events of vlr and has a whole complex about where she comes from and she's supposed to feel uncomplicated joy at finding out these are her parents and that the motherfucker that made the virus that's been making her life hell for a week is related to her? It's just been one week for her and that's so long but so little too she'd still have a connection to most of her old life? That shit isn't true about Sigma what's he supposed to do since Akane lied to his face about not knowing what happened at the test site for decades? It's not even something she remembers doing to him but he remembers spending a lifetime with her I love the ztd booklet scene of them interacting during d-com he asks Akane not to let her future self lie to past him point blank and she just says what he wants to hear and Phi stands in silence like she can't wrap her head around why he thinks for even a second that she'd be honest about being honest but stil extending enough goodwill to silently wait and see if she will. the man would be having a whole crisis of faith

Where do they leave Sean? Should he just stay with Q-team wouldn't he need maintenance and therefore stay in contact at least with Sigma? Eric doesn't remember much so he'd shockingly be one of the most calm people there, he'd have to deal with some revelations but Sean informed them of it in a good enough way that he seemed to take it well enough and even if that's not true he's the most high masking mf of the entire cast he wouldn't let himself step on other people's toes, if anything he'd only be set off by how everyone would have something to hold against Mira now, she kills everyone once except Carlos and Akane and she doesn't remember but they do, in fact there being a serial killer in their midst memo never gets to c-team delta never tells the whole snail story to every team. Would Mira just turn herself in without any resistance? Wouldn't someone have to talk her into it or at least make sure that's what she's really going to do since the stakes are so high? It's her fucking fault rad-6 got out too the characters have no reason to trust she's just gonna beeline to a police station. Carlos would probably be fine for the most part but he wouldn't be around long to keep everyone else sane especially Junpei and Akane because he'd probably go check on Maria as soon as possible especially since we're led to believe avoiding the apocalypse helps her recover

Akane herself would be all sorts of fucked up about it, there'd be so much pressure on her by everyone there and she'd try to be forward thinking and work on the extremist stuff immediately without processing anything and overcompensate the new recent failure to foresee dange and her revictimization by being even more controlling and inconsiderate to the others which is an energy Junpei would match I think especially going off his enneagram they'd be immediatly set in like an unhealthy loop of behaviors that push each other's trauma buttons on accident until they're hurting cause they're both trying to rush things and put each other in idealized boxes they imagined and having things their way Junpei is gonna come off much worse probably cause he's not a pov character and he's canonically an underhanded asshole when he has reson to be and he would not trust akane or her brother wouldn't be trying to pull another fast one on him so soon especially if we assume he has restored memories of the c-team ending too he'd like get keyed up and paranoid of being away from her for even a second

There are so many logistics involved in transporting and keeping in contact with people while simultaneously making sure no one leaks any sensitive information and that's probably important for Crash Keys and would fall mostly on Aoi to keep track of but he would in my opinion not be doing very okay either be it out of separation anxiety a level of psychically feeling like shit because of what akane goes through or just stress from preparing for an apocalypse more likely all of the above lol And he'd be working with half the info everyone else has cause if Akane doesn't pace herself in passing the new info to him he's gonna snap

Like I don't think these issues would be a slow burn to boil over, I think everything would feel like it's all going wrong from the get go and that kind of stress can be palpable in a group setting even if they're not under direct threath of death anymore I mean that's what ptsd is it's when you get fight or flight or freeze levels of fear in an entirely safe environment due to perceived instability and then they'd eat and rest and deal with it better for the next day, be more functional and levelheaded about everything going forward and even perhaps apologize and help each other out, and they'd be like that for a good while until underlying issues start to surface again in individual relationships cough mostly the junepei cough

[forsythi-amitie]

i would like to pretend i had a slightly more coherent thought today but nope i just think its funny how ibara picks at yuzuru for being an obedient butler and similar to a lap dog when he's the one who had to limit nagisa's allowance. He's the one who cooks dinner for him. (+ If you think about it hard enough, ibara is actually like. An evil butler. Who laughs maniacally) anyways here's my contribution.

i think its nice how being in Eden changed him, how he actually has friends, for one, but also how he's learned to be able to open up a little more. I guess it's like having to learn to undo all of the bad habits he'd learned for his own survival, because he now doesn't need to hold onto them as tightly as he did in the past.

This guy has some major trust issues. Constantly being in an environment where being able to trust someone was not guaranteed would probably do a number on you. I think some part of him is also scared to trust the rest of Eden, to an extent. I think his relationship with Eden as a unit in particular is interesting, since its something that he was able to build for himself, something that stands as proof of his effort, which is probably why he works so hard to make sure they succeed. Its probably one of the things he's the most proud of. I also see his "position" in Eden to be interesting, seeing how he does most of the work, but isn't the actual leader. Its probably because that would make it slightly easier for him to manage everything from behind the scenes, and help him to not stand out so much. Yet, he's slightly jealous of how jun was able to stand out, since in the end, he's an idol too. Maybe its the conflict between wanting to be recognized and stand out but also scared of that because a certain level of vulnerability is attached

In bogie time, he was able to open up to hajime because he's just so nice to everyone. Hajime is genuine and innocent, and nothing like the people ibara had encountered in the past. I'm pretty sure the entire event was him trying to strategize his way to victory and failing miserably, which i guess in a way was a sort of lesson? That sometimes you have to let yourself live and have fun. (I think hes still working on that)

I could bring up his list of business practices with questionable ethics, but thats probably just a result of having to live that kind of life, where you make use of everything around you, no matter how dirty. Still, he's above throwing people completely under the bus. He might blackmail them a bit though.

His inability to have fun shows up in his daily life too, like how his favourite food is nutritional supplements. Dude what. I'd like to think part of that is because he's so focused on work that it's easier to not take a lunch break and just take pills instead, and also how im pretty sure he's never actually been able to sit down and have a nice meal? So he just chooses the most bland (but healthy) option there. Thankfully the rest of Eden complained and offered to share their food (which is actually really cute? Lol) still, that makes me think of just how little of a "life" he actually had? To think that he doesn't have a proper favourite food, not because hes indecisive, but because he'd never had a chance to experience it. (Breath mints are more of a favourite food than supplements and that's saying something)

That and the fact that he manages a slightly concerning number of businesses. I might have missed a few things somewhere, but i dont think this guy has any hobbies. (Strategizing is not a hobby)

He should live a little. Go get lost in the mountains for a change.

He might not want to admit it, he definitely had gotten attached to the members of Eden, considering how he'd picked up Jun's catchphrase lol (what kind of catchphrase is Goddamn? Who knows) I also think about how Eden also cares about him, like how hiyori entrusted bloody mary to him, or how Nagisa is totally willing to interrupt his "evil schemes" (that's definitely a love language trust me). Anyways Eden found family.

[foster-the-moths]

oooo dont know anything abt pacific rim but hell yeah 👀

its just "humans use big robots to fight big monsters" basically LMAO but i realized it had some parallels to tmc so. i got a bit silly lol. putting it under a readmore bc its Long

brief pacific rim summary for those unaquainted: bascially monsters start appearing from the ocean and fucking shit up so humans make these big robots to fight them BUT its really dangerous and requires 2 people who are 'drift compatible' to pilot them (basically its the ability to control a big robot with ur mind while also being in sync). thats all u really need to know for this au i think

pacific rim au: this is based purely off of my memories of the first movie (which. i watched when it first came out in uhhh 2013!!!??!?! THIS MOVIE CAME OUT IN 2013??? 10YEAR AGO A DECADE??? WHAT THE FUCKanyways. um. i'm probably missing some stuff but whatever<3 -kaijus become a thing in like. idk 1980 or so. -by the time mark and cesar are 18 the big robots exist. what are they called. JAEGERS thats it. -mark and cesar get sort of. drafted into testing it out and find out they are drift compatible!! -i think in this au they are besties but. they could be worsties. maybe. perhaps toxic if thats what canon says. but in the origin draft of the au they are besties so im going with that -anyways they fight kaijus for a bit and they are pretty good at it!! until a kaiju attacks their hometown (or something. idk how an ocean beast would get to wisconsin. WAIT lake superior AND lake michgan flank wisconsin i can use this) -okay so. a kaiju comes out of the great lakes and the government is like"???? THEY CAN DO THAT??? fuck." and send mark and cesar to deal with it since they. live there -everything goes to shit when a kaiju (altcesar) attacks mandela, their hometown, and ALSO where sarah is!!! and shes like. 5 or smth -so mark is SUPER stressed out, his sister might be dead already, and to top it off?? the kaiju can like. idk hijack their drift link or whatever idk still working on that. im trying to incorporate alternate bs into how kaijus work -anyways mark is the one the kaiju targets and it uses cesar's voice/image to fuck him up and both cesar and mark die. and sarah watches it happen. oops. -sidenote: altcesar kaiju is based off of the crab one. bc sarah is loosely based off of the main protag girl in the movie whats her name. MAKO MORI. apparently. she watches her brother die + entire county get destroyed -another sidenote: since secar apparently DOESN'T die in canon. maybe he survives in this au?? mark is dead as hell tho :(( -anyways sarah is so so traumatized by that. however she is also VERY FUCKING ANGRY because uh. turns out mark and cesar were not the only ones patrolling winconsin!! thatcher and ruth were meant to be back up but uh. they. did NOT get there in time. and sarah thinks maybe if they had gotten there in time mark wouldn't have died. -speaking of those two. ANOTHER kaiju attacks mandela not too long after altcesar does and um. thatcher and ruth DO go out to deal with it but. ruth gets knocked unconscious during the fight. and thatcher can't wake her up. so half of their jaeger is just powered down and stationary while the kaiju rips its arms off and tears into the cockpit. eventually thatcher realizes he has to evacuate to save himself. he tries to bring ruth with him but he can't. -needless to say. thatcher is DEVASTATED. he feels like a coward, even if he DID follow protocol, and he never really forgives himself for leaving ruth behind. dave supports him through it, but. he never really recovers after that.

-…and fast foward 17 years, to the actual events of the au!! -bps is founded by sarah to um. idk actually i have NO fucking clue what they are doing in this au but it IS just. VERY ILLEGAL. and they get caught -however, the government can find literally nobody to pilot the giant murder death trap robots due to A) how rare a drift link (or. whatever its called im 99% sure its called that) is and B) nobody wants to fucking do that. so they just decided to say "hey. you guys are criminals. BUT if you go in the giant death trap robot AND you can pilot it then we'll forgive your criminal charges!! :)" because of course they would do that -anyways. bps agrees to this. and it turns out jonah and adam are drift compatible!! hooray!! they get to pilot a jaeger together -…which leaves sarah. due to testing her against adam and jonah, the government knows she CAN connect to a jaeger, and pilot one. she just needs a partner. -which is were thatcher comes in. he takes the place of the guy whos brother dies in the movie. -sarah is NOT FUCKING HAPPY about this. the moment she recognizes him she freaks OUT. immediately starts chewing him out. -however, she does have a deal to uphold, and she has to at least TRY to pilot the jaeger with thatcher. so they do a testrun and. it turns out they ARE compatible. -so with that the government goes "okay cool we're sending all of you to the faciltiy (or whatever idk)" and. sarah fights this tooth and nail until she realizes they. really don't give a shit LMAO -so she's stuck with thatcher. and her two idiot coworkers but thatcher is the real issue. -so they get shipped over to the training facility and. start training. -dave and evelin take the place of those two gay scientists. dave has so many kaiju tattoos n shit and evelin is just Normal. just kidding shes weird too shes just better at hiding it lol. evelin is officially his 'assistant' and mentor but dave treats her as an equal. they are silly scientist coworkers -dave and thatcher are also still friends. not sure if its strained or not but i dont think it is they can be silly. besties even. -i also think dave is sarahs estranged but still on good terms uncle. hes is ESTATIC to see sarah!! she hates that hes friends with thatcher but she is literall incapable of being mad at dave so she just takes it out on thatcher instead LMAO -also dave sits thatcher down and is like "y'know i think this is good for you actually. being a mentor figure really helped me w moving on i think you could really bond with my cool awesome neice :D!" "dave she tries to kill me every ten seconds" -anyways the au centers around sarah and her relationship with thatcher from one-sided enemies to eventual found family :)

other things: -adam glows in the dark and is just sort of fucked up. surely this means nothing (he is not entirely human) -oh yeah jude and lynn are killed by the same alternate that kills ruth. i think. or it was six but when thatcher and ruth are sent out altthatcher double teams them and thats why they failed. -vol 2 sort of happens (the girls are fighting) but jonah does NOT die. -dave gets hooked up to a kaiju brain like the guy in the movie and like. his brain implodes a little bit and his eyes bleed but hes (mostly) fine^^ -all of the alternates are kaijus i get to be soooooo silly with designs :3 -dave and sarah lost contact when sarah started bps so they are very happy to reunite -i am just making shit up about a movie i saw a literal decade ago so. um. im probably missing a lot of important stuff but oh well lol. -i also have a barebones alt version of this au where everyone lives and nothing bad happens and they just fight monsters. bc i got sad.

[ajdrawshq]

ztd crossover with kh but it's just Carlos meeting Terra, Diana meeting Aqua and Sean meeting Ven. Cursed or blessed concept. Go

HM. WELL. i immediately leaned toward cursed bc like (gestures vaguely at ztd) but that feels mean so im gonna try putting some thought into this

Carlos and Terra :] very good pair for the most part i think. just 2 big older bros doing what they do to try to help people.. but it all goes to shit kupo. i can see them getting along pretty well, both due to their personal experiences and bc of who they are in general. also now that i think abt it its kinda funny that both of them happen to be plagued by visions but only Carlos' have an actual explanation?? Terra morphogenetic field moment?? even funnier is that both of them have the same "welp. anyway" reaction to it like yeah this just happens sometimes 👍 kind of unfortunate Terra couldnt use his to prevent bad things from happening too but oh well. its not like hopping timelines is that easy in his universe anyway. Terra still gets bonus points on an individual level bc while there was very little he couldve done differently there Are things Carlos couldve just uh. not done. yknow. things that i think Terra would kick his ass over tbh

Diana and Aqua.... oof. on god we're gonna get u girls some therapy. they were both so severely fucked over by like. literally everything from ingame events to the narrative itself. trapped in two different but absolute hellholes of sitautions for Very Long Amounts of Time and only called upon as a pawn in a game that both defines and ruins their lives and their entire world, and they barely even know it. and the only people they get to talk to at some point in their respective hells are Sigma and Micheal Mouse (and Terra sort of).. yea i think id lose it too tbh. its interesting that Diana was a 100% crucial part of why ztd happened while Aqua's role in Xehanorts plan wasnt really until ddd/kh3 unless u count him planning the whole end of bbs.. before that she was more of an outside force? not that taking her out wouldnt change anything ofc but her direct actions were more harmful to the overall plan than going according to it. i might need to play bbs again to confirm that more but uhh i forgot where i was going with this. i could see them getting along but i dont really remember enough about Diana as a person to know just how well they would? i guess itd at least be nice to have someone else who knows what their oddly specific and horrific situations are like, more or less

finally Sean n Ven.. Man. talk abt kids who cant catch a break for their entire lives no matter how outragously short OR long. they both just have a Lot going on and play some of the most major roles in their respective stories and god knows they didnt ask for any of it!! tho weirdly enough i dont feel much for Sean considering how he fits into the kinda characters i usually get attached to. but maybe thats just bc it was ztd. anyway !! out of the 3 duos here i think these two are most likely to become actual friends. from the memory fuckery to having a greater role in everything than they couldve imagined (both of them essentially being a key at some point..) to even just. having a very limited world in some way. and not having full control over their bodies. and several other major things im probably forgetting they both have. lots and lots and lots of things. they are friends to me

and just some general other thoughts - while im. not entirely sure how to feel abt what ztd does with the morphogenetic field i can at least appreciate the weird memory stuff that comes with body hopping and the possibilities that has when tied to all the other weird memory stuff that already happens in kh for similar or different reasons. like the way ztd (and vlr to some extent) went about it didnt quite hit the way i wanted it to but the concept is cool to me? itd be fun to play around with it in the context of kh i think. or vice versa. altho maybe introducing multiple timelines to the kh universe isnt the best idea.. hm. much to think about

but yeah!!!! overall verdict: mostly blessed with some underlying hints of cursed. like a weird aftertaste

[innocencelives]

some sort of diary entry

extreme, extreme TW. need someplace, anywhere to talk to my self abt horrific CPTSD occurrences.

a return of perversion,

stockholm relapse of sorts

i am a child born for depravity

perhaps there is both: tenderness/love/softness/care/compassion/joy/innocence, AND depravity in my soul

i feel if you took a journey into the center of my soul underneath every layer in the very core you will find the incestous abuse i experienced.

why is the depravity tempting? luring, hypnotic, comforting even. the genuine comfort i feel when i fantasize about being beat with a concrete brick. torture, why is that alluring? not in a fun bdsm way, not in a way that has anything to do with me, in a disturbed perverted way that speaks directly from my abuse.

this is so regressed…this is stockholm symptoms. crying, anger, these are good symptoms. processing symptoms, they are productive, positive, they are letting go of the trauma, feeling what i need to feel, releasing their burden. stockholm symptoms are not that. they are an indication of severity, and a regression.

how can i cut this out of me, how can i run away from it, how can i surgically remove this depravity from my veins.

i engage in transgression… body horror, art to release it.

i dont want it to consume me. but i also do. would i feel whole? my psychotic fantasies perhaps feel more comforting than usual. im not in danger, but i crave them more than ever.

its attacked me out of nowhere…4 days of no depression, not that this is anything close to depression. did i choose to dive further into this? sure, after being provoked by a dark trigger. a shameful, terrifying happening indicative of stockholm symptoms, this caused me to dive deeper.

i havent experienced an arousal towards my abuse in perhaps 8 years. it comes up, everytime i masturbate honestly. but i easily throw it away, and continue on. not this time… i entertained it. perversely. i allowed myself to enjoy the proclivity. disgusting, vomit inducing, shameful, so so shameful. but alas…an established medical symptom.

perhaps this isnt such a unique event. in the last month/2 months ive seen a massive return of a monolith of distressing symptoms. mostly not CPTSD related: extreme, extreme, torturous mood fluctuations. first months like this since..2021 perhaps? a summer. i need meds changed, urgently. a very bad time to experience a frustrating falling out with a psychiatric agency. their treatment over years has been abysmal, but to happen now is quite disastrous. long waiting lists have prolonged this torturous, fluctuating episode.

so why has the torturous episode of mood disorder turned to trauma? depression, intense suicidality, distressing paranoia, wild unpredictable emotional whiplash. why has that given way for the trauma to resurface? honestly…its been poking its head above ground for more than the last months. im scared that it has left the ground entirely.

the stockholm symptoms, these i havent experienced in almost a decade. what could happen because of them… im scared. i dont want to subject myself to retraumatization. thats what this led to before. a horrific furtherance of trauma, quite literally adding disturbing experiences like notches on a belt. i dont think thats where this will lead. to be honest i hope it just leads to pain, thats more innocuous. i really dont need more psychological anguish though, im already experiencing catastrophic levels of that.

it is still tempting unfortunately. to engage with this depravity. where does sexualizing your own incestous abuse lead? nowhere good thats for sure.

i need to put this to bed…i need to put myself to bed first jeez (7am in a moment) ill probably forget this in the “morning”, feel like it didnt happen, such is mood fluctuations. but a return of stockholm syndrome feelings, this needs to be addressed somehow, someway.

what a broken life i live…maybe not broken, maybe just eventful 😵‍💫

zzzzzz💤💤😴

[gloam-eyed-radio-tower]

January 30th, 2024-Look into my left eye like you would a shooting star and wish for the right one to gaze back at you

Aiko and Punpun are the star crossed lovers trope obviously but I want to write a bit about the shooting stars scene, as the star crossed lovers are represented as shooting stars that cross each other at a moment in time and pass each other it was always obvious to us that aiko and punpun wouldnt end up being together, when I first read it and most people also that I was thought it was going to end with a double suicide but not rereading and thinking a bit it well hinted that Aiko would live punpun. As their symbol is also the milky way galaxy… Im not sure what it could mean, its a place where stars reside it maybe represents their idea or need for them to be together forever, to not just be shooting stars crossing each other. The significance of the wishing scene is that Aiko still wishes for that milky way ( for punpun to always remember her) while punpun wishes for shooting stars to dissapear forever ( for them ???… "the world fades away into the distance " ) and Aiko does in a way grant him that wish tho idk if that was one of the main intentions and maybe if that was the scene where aiko starts shifting into concidering suicide in mind. Quick note to add that Im not entirely familiar with all the Japanese specific sumbolism but they are also represented by a one eyed daruma doll, a daruma doll has both eyes blank and when a wish is made one eye is filled, and the other then filled again when the wish/goal is fullfilled, the daruma doll is also shown with a shooting star. Punpun also trying to commit suicide by stabbing his eye and aiko wanting to stab his eye is related to the daruma symbolism and its the eye that make the wish that is getting stabbed, aiko also holds a daruma doll. Its unclear to me what wish the daruma doll represents aikos or punpuns but later on that. Its often debated among everybody if Punpun really loved Aiko and I am still not sure about that either since the star crossed lovers trope indicates that if even the 2 parties love each other they for some reason cant end up together and here is where punpun and aiko split and contradict one another. Aiko tells punpun to always remember her at least once a year on tanabata when the stars are visible essentially wishing that they would at least end up being star crossed lovers forever, the reason for aikos suicide still isnt completely clear, it might just be her setting punpun free and granting him his wish but as punpun wished for the stars to dissapear they wont appear on tanabata and he wont be able to see aiko again ( signifying that its punpuns own actions and choices that made this happen ? ).Jesus's role in the story - he serves as a narrator of sorts as the doomsday event he describes that will end the world is Aikos death if I remember correctly and starts fall down from the sky right before ( one of the stars would vanish ) as Inio Asano kinda likes using end of the world themes to represent the "end of someones inner world " or something of the sorts. Okey back to the daruma dolls bot the eye that punpun tries to stab, aiko tries to stab with a fork and the eye that punpun bruises on aiko are the eye that is meant for the making of the wish. Punpun punching and bruising Aikos eye here would then represent punpun himself making Aikos wish an impossibility, him forgetting her, Aiko being enable to stab punpuns eye would mean she isnt able to stop punpuns wish from the shooting stars to dissapear ( save each other ? end up together ? it just symbolises that they will end up split ) and punpun trying to kill god that is in his wishing eye is ????? idfk by stabbing his eye and killing god he also destroys his wish but that also goes against aikos wish of him remembering her. But it does tell us that punpun and aiko ( not sure if in love really ) contradicted each other significantly ( they both had stained left eyes ) I should add that the other eye of the daruma is hollow it represents their wish never being able to be fulfilled, I think the daruma dolls eyes being hollow represents the impossibility of their connection to last…

I reached the word limit there was more :<

[handdrawnfantasma]

making another Extremely Niche AU under the readmore bc the concept just exploded into my brain and if i do not put it out somewhere in the ether my head will EXPLODE but afaik none of my usual AU criminal crowd (tm) have seen the pink shark movie yet

okay but seriously i’ve accidentally tripped into DESPERATELY needing a holy grail war AU lmao like. the building blocks are all already there. the master-servant pairups and pre-requisite parallels between those pairups are all already baked in, this is all low-hanging fruit thematically speaking, both canons even have knights and playing with the concepts of heroes and monsters as a major flavour, i dont even have to REACH here

i havent decided if this is just straight-up the nasuverse or if this is just nasuverse-flavoured nimonamovieverse but ANYWAY Ambrosius is a ridiculously perfect fit as the master from a redonkulously old-ass mage family who has been preparing his entire life for this but similarly to Rin cannot actually turn himself into enough of a machine to be a truly “great” mage. obviously summons the Saber class and just to add another layer of delicious fucked-up-ness to the fucked-up souffle i am creating and really hammer home the parallels HGW AUs excel at OF COURSE it’s Gloreth he’s summoning, like let’s make this even more uncomfortable for everyone by summoning your literal fucking old as balls ancestor

meanwhile Bal is absolutely from outside all this secret mage nonsense world but for this to work he needs to have enough magic circuits to make him a viable candidate for the grail to dump Command Seals onto and since i have the keys to the AU im saying that he has an ASTONISHING amount for someone from the outside. idk exactly what his Deal is yet im still cooking but i think Valerin is kind of vaguely a Waver-esque figure in this AU, from an ancient and powerful mage family herself but has made enemies bc she wants to reform a whole lot of This Bullshit, actually, and she idk saved Bal’s life when he was a kid and he had Some kind of brush with the world of magic that he legitimately should Not have survived?? and so idk maybe they have a vaguely Kiritusugu-Shirou situation going on, again, not entirely sure, still cooking. EITHER WAY THO Valerin still gets murdered on the first night of the HGW and Bal still happens to be in the wrong place at the wrong time, accidentally summons Nimona (who doesn’t seem to know or care WHAT Servant class she is if any and also like arturia pendragon my beloved can’t go into spirit form (bc shes not a spirit huehuehue)), chaos and shenanigans ensue as these two try to survive the HGW and find out who actually murdered Bal’s kind-of-sort-of foster mother in cold blood and also Nimona is totally out to BREAK the HGW right from the outset im just saying

for extra Drama(tm) Bal and Ambrosius still know each other and are still dating before the HGW kicks off but are both completely oblivious to the other’s involvement in the world of magic and so they both get the absolute shock of their lives the first time they inevitably see each other with their Servants (and then yet another shock when both of their Servants go NUTS as soon as they lock eyes on one another, kill bill sirens blaring) and so this is entirely detrimental to any possibilities of working together at least at first (Gloreth v Nimona cage fight, terrible attempts at solving centuries-old issues with the power of incredible violence)

a running thing is everyone trying to figure out What Class nimona is and not being able to get anywhere bc she seems to have features of all of them and that’s BEFORE getting into the shapeshifting??? eventually people figure she must be either Archer or Berserker via process of elimination after seeing everyone else’s Servants but spoiler alert they are still Wrong, she is an outside-context problem

Ambrosius probably still ends up being responsible for Bal losing an arm at some point, sorry guys this is a Canon Event(tm) (EDITED BECAUSE I JUST REALISED I AM VERY DENSE TODAY bc after posting this and going to make dinner i realised that ur command seals show up on ur dominant hand. it happens bc of Bal’s command seals. like Ambrosius did not go into it INTENDING to cut the entire fucking arm off or even part of the arm off but that is what ends up happening when things somehow Escalate Quickly. (his actual intent was probs to get Bal to just give up his command seals bc then he’d be out of the war, what he did not count on was a) that Bal is still determined to find out who actually killed Valerin and bring them to justice bc by this point he is probably a legit suspect and has been dodging arrest for days and he KNOWS he is not going to find out who killed her unless he sticks around in this stupid mage world for a bit longer, and b) that by this point Bal has already bonded with Nimona and giving up his command seals would feel a lot like betraying her, which?? no??? (this of course has a heaping of delicious irony added on top of it when it transpires that actually Nimona can get by quite well without any Command Seals holding her anywhere, ut-oh))

the Director is pretty much literally Kirei Kotomine here by which i mean she’s supposedly the neutral Overseer for the HGW but is actually breaking so many rules bc she has her own Servant (Assassin just to be REALLY on the nose), and ALSO Valerin’s Lancer-class Servant that she stole from her on the same night she murdered her and took her Command Seals. is Worryingly invested in Ambrosius winning the HGW

idk who the other Masters are, Todd maybe??? (with a Rider-class Servant???) and maybe Meredith from the comic (with a Caster-class???) to round things out??? who knows who the mysterious 7th Master is

anyway this fic is absolutely also an excuse for a Gloreth redemption arc, nothing like being summoned to a time a full millenium after you’re dead and seeing the full ramifications of just HOW MUCH the legacy that came out of something you did as a scared kid turning on your friend fucked literally everything up not least the descendant that summoned you

im finally running out of steam now thank the lord but im also now turning over and over the conviction i have that nimona would absolutely DESPISE the very CONCEPT of the Command Seals and how this could be an in for some spicy Drama... i am Considering...

if you actually read all this then thank you for getting through the Mess of me exorcising this from my brain, that was extremely lush of you :’)

[melissa-titanium]

OMG. takes the microphone from you.. indeed i do have comments my friend vox....... hm hm hm hmmmmmm.

ALSO anon i love you you are entirely entitled to your opinions and i hope you have a wonderful day. i hope i will not be making you uncomfortable by writing my personal thoughts on this and am perfectly content w deleting it if youd like to reach out & ask :) I JUST !! like writing about this stuff!!!

I PERSONALLY DONT LIKE DOLLZI EITHER. but just like. for my own reasons. i see them as related so my brain kinda freaks out every time i see someone shipping them because i forget its not canon haha. BUT IN THE CASE OF NOLL... i do like them (GREATEST UNDERSTATEMENT OF THE 21ST CENTURY) so im def thinking about this...

doll's whole "i push people away even if they offer help" deal is what intrigues me about her. you do have to take into consideration how she's lived her life.

uzi had no one, but neither did doll.

uzi was actively subjected to bullying on the regular throughout most of her life, and while doll wasn't, her interactions with lizzy show TO ME AT LEAST that her relationships with uzi's bullies were nothing more that superficial, perhaps lizzy being the closest thing to an actual friend shes had

but even then she seemed to keep lizzy at arm's length considering lizzy didnt really. seem to Care a lot about shit that went down with doll, being more than happy to betray her in favor of a girl she LITERALLY JUST MET who she KNOWS killed dolls parents.

uzi has had no friends. doll has had nothing more that superficial connections. but that changes for uzi when she meets n & v. she gets to sort of heal, to understand what its like to have someone supporting you. doll still does not have that.

“If I find what I’m looking for, I’ll help you too.” Ok but like. Why not help her now?

i imagine she was still grappling with the fact that she's not alone. i talk about this alot in my own analyses (?) solely because i think its very interesting but. again i cannot stress enough how long doll has lived in solitude with motivations festering over the course of her life stemming from the fact that she thinks doing one specific thing (killing v) will solve a good portion of her problems, only to have the rug pulled out from under her. she has this thrown at her with literally no warning and she must be internally torn. she wants to complete her goals, and believes she'll be capable of helping uzi, but she's been working at them by herself for so long that she really isn't ready to step into the unfamiliar territory that is having someone at your side. and she ALSO has to grapple with the fact that if she's working with uzi, she's working with her parent's killer. clearly, considering the events of the entire episode beforehand AND in episode six, she had not gotten over that quite yet.

“You don’t even know that that thing does.” THEN TELL HER INSTEAD OF STEALING WHAT SHE KNOWS AS “The only clue to what’s wrong with [her]” GAAAAAAHHHHH

IM ACTUALLY NOT TOO SURE ABOUT THIS PART MYSELF... i do think its an extension of "i need to see if i can do this myself, since working with others is literally my least preferred option." i doubt she was intentionally just trying to be mysterious because. i really don't think she... planned to die before being able to tell uzi everything. like. you get me. okay im sort of getting lost on this I DON'T REALLY KNOW HOW THIS RELATED TO NOLL B UT LIKE . YOU GET ME this was just how i feel about dolls character.

i think doll could change. if, by some fucking miracle (please liam vickers for the love of robo-god,) doll comes back fresh and alive, she could definitely change. sure she's defensive and often has impractical approaches to problems with obviously simpler solutions... but so was uzi, to be fair! which is where n comes in. you saw what happened with n & uzi, you saw how he helped her change. i could say a LOT about the parallels between uzi, doll and v but ultimately because this was meant to be a shipping analysis (OOPS LOL) i think doll and n could work. if the situation was different, they could absolutely work. now, i could say alot about how romantic relationships make no sense to me, but that's like. another post.

OKAY THANK YOU FOR READING. i love my yuri

Found out what bugs me about NxDoll (and Dollzi I suppose) outside of it just not getting the ship(s)

Doll did the same fucking thing to Uzi that V did to N (minus the whole “had a romantic relationship in the past” bit).

Episodes 3-6, she refuses to communicate to Uzi what she’s looking for and why, pushes Uzi away despite Uzi being willing to help one of her literal bullies (pushes other people away too but, y’know), fucking antagonizes Uzi while she’s vulnerable, and guess what fucking happens to her because of this.

“If I find what I’m looking for, I’ll help you too.” Ok but like. Why not help her now? And what are you looking for? Wouldn’t teaming up make finding this thing easier? You obviously have an idea of what to look for, why not tell them? No dont fucking run- and she’s gone.

“You don’t even know that that thing does.” THEN TELL HER INSTEAD OF STEALING WHAT SHE KNOWS AS “The only clue to what’s wrong with [her]” GAAAAAAHHHHH

Doll i love you and most of the other characters but lordy loo you brought your demise unto yourself. Godspeed Ms. "Pragmatic"

.

[viktormaru]

Oh my god those are so specific Id love to hear your take on them as well pls if u'd like

I NEVER THGOUGHT of that but with you mentioning it... do u think he gets a little queasy getting into the Val aircrafts?? thats hilarious

Oh i dont know, Im not too well versed in the phoenix lore. Maybe he played the bass to have the chill vibe to his warm personality (haaa get it???)

I think holidays in general are celebrated only bcs some ppl (mainly raze with the help of breach and anyone else ropped in by her personality) just INSIST in making mini celebrations to keep up the morale (and bcs theyre fun). But Raze will also find out holidays others celebrate and try to organize events to that as well. The most chaotic culture exchange possible, where everything is kinda messy and accuracy is kind of there but what matters is just having a good time. And ppl are invited to join if they want to.

Oooh.. mmm. I think it'd mostly manifest in Killjoy avoiding the hell out of reyna as she'll throw nasty glares whenever she's in her field of view. I dont think Reyna would really like... act on her hatred specially given killjoy seems very young still. Doesnt mean she doesnt act a little petty or mean abt it, better keep KJ on her toes.

ahh its hard to think in general... I do think brim probably likes playing old (at least for valorant times) music in even older music players and he feels all cool and hip about it UAHSDUHAS but also embarrassed abt it in public. We also have Omen's knitting I suppose but thats basically canon.

My cursed brain instantly went "reyna with la chancla"

I'm not entirely sure what a cvs is... google tells me its a pharmacy of sorts?

UASDHDAS ooh gosh thats one I need to put some thought abt.... I am not an avid snack knower even though I DO have a specific time of the day allotted to my snack.... Just off the top of my head I can picture some agents more being more timely like chamber or skye or harbor who will basically eat the same thing at the right times (for chamber is mostly coffee paired with something while for skye its those healthier stuff from protein bars to fruits), while other agents are constantly munching on pastries or baked goods or whatever else like raze or gekko. Then the I Just Need My Coffee When The Need Hits gang like Viper or Kj or Fade. And last but not least the having snacks instead of meals (from reasons ranging from just bcs to forgetting to actually make a meal) which might fit Cypher and jett and others I need to think more abt.

People's digital portrait displays, and he changes the images in it just enough you wont notice it straight away, and keeps making minor changes until the original picture is unrecognizable. (Just because)

For some reason I feel like Omen is a bit picky with textures. For foods, for clothes, just in general. IDK why I just do, like, he barely gets to experience sensations at all, and then hes forced to experience it bad??? absolutely not. Cypher, as much as hes good at adapting probably gets a bit annoyed when his methods are messed with by ppl meaning to help but idk if that counts as being nitpicky.

OOOH thats a good one. They have cleaning bots (or they had maxbot....) so I assume the general cleaning is automated. I would assume each agent is responsible for the upkeep of their own living quarters though the bots are always there for access for that. Now the other types of upkeep.... hmm... I wonder how automated it is.... Maybe there is such a thing as a rotating chores thing that ppl can trade.... Much to think abt...

I would assume theres team training to practice tactics and to develop a well flowing combat dynamic in the field. Specially seeing they are against their doubles, I feel Brim would make them train against eachother's skills a lot to understand them better . And maybe some there are group trainings that arent exactly mandatory but do good to build morale and share some knowledge (sooort of like the impromptu training session in the warm up cinematic). Like, I can see some agents just scheduling some "join if you'd like" training for some specific stuff like hand to hand combat or using flashes properly. But agents are also allowed to just honed their skills alone or in private and are not discouraged from doing so.

He's the weird uncle she never had and never knew she needed (but would never say so outloud). Like, he's the one that comes over and teaches her bad things and then is like "oh but you cant do that though". I loved the dynamic you had in ur latest fic with killjoy actually having a lot to offer in the field of engineering so i think its something definitely mutually beneficial. Cypher has the wisdom and maturity for Killjoy's naïve ingenuity. Like... I think Cypher cant help it but let his parent instinct to its thing around kj, while kj is probably at least very curious abt what Cypher has to offer. Idk, its a fun little dynamic.

I think yes but hear me out... Killjoy sucks at romance. Like, clueless and awkward and very teen like. So when she catches on to whats going on I love to imagine her trying to sneakily give Cypher advice but its the most corny and silly things ever like "you should call Omen over to listen to a playlist" and other stuff of that caliber. But at least she is sweet and wholesome about it.

Thank you for the questions! I had fun writing and again, feel free to share ur ideas too!!!

Ask me about my silly little headcanons please i am starving

[pixiecaps]

the federation sent the islanders to “egg island” while they dealt with the shadow virus/the whole black concrete situation. a maintenance of sorts. however this egg island got hijacked and transformed by a new character called the The Watcher. a fully black tall entity that has a single eyeball. it turned this island into a purgatory of sorts to make the islanders suffer and prove in a way they’re all vermin and murderers. etc. we learn that while this entity took the islanders hostage the federation was not aware of this and had lost communication to “egg island”. and hence lost control of that island and were not sure what was going on with the islanders.

cucurucho sent a worker there to investigate and report back. that worker got infected with the shadow virus, found the islanders, wrote a report about it, died. luffy, one of these tiny eyeball creatures that existed in purgatory (we’re not entirely sure why or what they are but they seemed friendly and just part of that island) found the workers body with a map back to quesadilla island. luffy set off to find quesadilla island and managed to get there where he met cucurucho and two fed workers. cucurucho had no idea what the creature was. he asked him what he was doing there and who sent him. luffy showed a drawing that showed bagi, tubbo, and fit with the word “friends” written over it. in a way stating he wanted to help. then he showed a drawing of The Watcher. as the thing that “sent him”. after that cucurucho got one of the guards to hold luffy at gunpoint as they lassoed him and likely took him into the federation for questioning. we have yet to find out where luffy is and what happened to him after he was taken in for questioning.

back to purgatory. im sure you’re aware but there was team fighting for two weeks where there was a lot of blood spilt. they all fought as hard as they could under the assumption there was a cursed team and if this supposed cursed team lost then all the eggs would be killed. the thing is there was no major confirmation throughout the event stating the cursed team so they just did what they had to do to win. but also its important to mention despite all the pain and suffering, a lot of bonds strengthened and new friendships were made. over the course of these days we find out elquackity has some connection to The Watcher in where he seemed to be part of the reason why all the islanders were being tortured and needed to gain The Watchers approval. (gay) also throughout the event we got confirmation that the eggs ran away from home after waking up to a book next to all of them. we dont know what was written inside but it was enough to frighten all the eggs and to leave. we also see that the times bagi, carre, and tubbo spun the roulette wheel it teleported all the eggs and separated them. they ended up in purgatory island that way fighting for their lives. so moving on to the last day we see that elq knew where the eggs were the entire time, (somehow in between the time of them surviving purgatory island on their own they ended up caged by elq idk man) they were literally held under the spawn area of purgatory, he says theyre all gonna die and all their parents are hypocrites and got their last words or whatever. then he leaves and theres a big final battle between red & blue. the score at this point as a tie so the final day served as a tiebreaker. there would be a pvp fight between the leaders, tubbo and philza. whoever won this would be the team that won the entire thing. phil won so red team won purgatory.

now. the watcher has a cinematic stating theres one last game, hide and seek where they need to find him. saying he’s always been closer than any of them think or some shit like that. bbh pieces together he probably means spawn. they go to spawn and find the place where the eggs were held. there’s an egg wheel. they spin it and it lands on 7 i believe. a cinematic says theyre only allowed to take one egg. then the walls go down and they see all the eggs in little areas behind barrier blocks so they cant reach them. they all talk to their eggs emotionally happy and desperate trying to get them back but they dont manage to find a way to break any of the blocks. theres also a fed worker there but he has one eye (idfk) during this egg moment qmaxo reveals he has a nuke and can detonate it if they arent set free. (he had sneaked this nuke on the train when they were taken to purgatory, and set it up a few days prior to the finale) the watcher himself shows up and says haha L idc. elquackity shows up in a new skin that i wont even begin to explain but the watcher gives him the choice of staying on purgatory island forever working beside the watcher. he agrees. then the nuke sets off and everybody has 10 minutes to escape on boats at the shores of the island which was like thousands of blocks away from spawn. everybody is stressed and horrified because an earthquake disaster happens that begins to crush them under rumble in this room theyre in and they dont manage to get the eggs (etoiles did get richas but he wasnt meant to lol) the eggs all disappear. yet theres no death message in chat. dapper is the only egg that seemed to be allowed to leave the area so he was likely the one egg they were supposed to take. everybody rushes to the boats trying to escape before the nuke explodes them all. i believe roier, pierre, etoiles, bagi, fit, phil, tubbo, were the only ones to make it to the boat. everyone else didnt get on in time. the nuke explodes. qmaxo canonically dies. everybody elses fates are still to be known. its mainly a meta decision for the creators on what happens to their characters because cc maxo wanted his character to die there so he died. but for everybody else they can pick what they want to happen. like cc cellbit made the decision for his character to want to stay on the island as the nuke sets off. meanwhile foolish was super close to the boat but didnt get on in time. he still said he considers that he got on and im sure he’s gonna log on the smp and play as normal. but the only character confirmed dead is maxo. just to list some examples

so yeah now the regular qsmp server is open and they can play normally. i suppose whoever logs on canonically made it on the boat even if they technically didn’t. some people are taking breaks rn so they might be gone for a bit. and yeah.

some meta commentary is that cc maxo thought theyd have more time than 10 minutes and thought everybody would make it to the boat in time, where he’d say his goodbyes and then stay to die. so to me the ending can be shifted a bit to imagine that a lot more people made it on the boat. it was just a lack of time lol

that’s basically it. i probably missed something but this is a VERY brief summary of two weeks of content LOL

wtf happened in qsmp