#this is america surely it's not that hard for a ghost to get a gun

[r3negade-x]

Pro tip: try not to live your life in such a way that, should you be murdered, investigating possible motives narrows the suspect list down to roughly everyone.

[fellthemarvelous]

Deny. Defend. Depose.

It is clear to those of us that live in America, the only people we truly have on our side are ourselves. The ruling class has made it clear we don't matter to them.

Luigi Mangione was arrested and happened to have every single piece of evidence on him that law enforcement was looking for, including the parts for the ghost gun, inside his backpack (that he also got rid of in Central Park containing the Monopoly money???). Either he was trying to get caught or that evidence was planted. And when he was being forcefully pushed into the jail, he hollered back to the press about "injustice" and "being an insult to the intelligence of American citizens and our lived experiences."

The people have now turned against corporate America and the CEOs and billionaires are fucking terrified. Nothing the news stations are saying to us are changing our minds. The American people have finally united over this issue and there is no going back for us. Whoever did kill Brian Thompson (and theories abound on the game The Adjuster is playing because no one plays Monopoly alone) exposed the very real divide that exists between every day citizens and the extremely wealthy. Things were easier for them to control when they were able to divide us, but now that we are aware of how uncertain our future is in America and seeing just how little we matter to the people who take our money, we have realized that we have more in common with each other than the people who control every aspect of our lives. We are waking up.

There isn't one person in this country who hasn't been a victim to the predatory scam that is private health insurance. Medical debt is the leading cause of bankruptcy in America, and many of us are one ambulance ride or hospital stay away from homelessness. We all know people who have died because the insurance company denied them the treatment they needed or waited until it was too late for an approval of a medical claim to matter anymore.

Recently, I decided to be tested for autism and ADHD. Not life-threatening or anything, but my life is still in shambles and I want to know if I'm going untreated for something else. Before being tested though, I was informed that the insurance company (Aetna) has said that they were going to cover the full cost of the testing I was having (which was six hours of testing by the way). She even made sure several times that they were, in fact, going to cover it in full and they said yes.

The same day that Brian Thompson, CEO of another horrible healthcare company, was murdered in broad daylight, I received a call from that doctor's office with the woman telling me that Aetna was now telling her they never agreed to cover my testing and that they are going to bill me for $1600 (where the hell am I supposed to get that?) and she is fighting them, but considering our lives don't matter to the people who tell us what healthcare we are and are not allowed to receive, I don't think they will feel compelled to change their minds because they are bloodsucking parasites who only care about lining their pockets while I don't even have $6 lying around, let alone $1600!!

Corporate America leeches off our taxes. They take and take and take and we see nothing in return. They raise prices on insurance coverage and then deny us the very coverage that we pay for. They poison our food, price gouge our poisoned food, and then force us to pay for the treatment we get when the food makes us sick. Corporate America profits off of our hard work, our taxes, our health, our lives, our deaths.

I don't know if this will reach a larger audience or not, but I wanted to talk about it on Tumblr because this platform seems to be a crossroads for every type of creative soul. I initially brought up this idea on TikTok earlier, but I want to see if it can get traction in other places as well since I have fewer than 3,000 followers on TikTok (and I have seen a small few express interest in my idea in the hours since I posted the video.)

We're busy being lectured by politicians and the news media because while they are clutching their pearls at what happened to Brian Thompson, the rest of us do not give one single flying fuck about what happened to him. As CEO of a for-profit health insurance company, he signed off on denied claims and death for those of us who struggle to make it from one day to the next. The sicker you are, the poorer you are, the more they force you to struggle and pay. The love to deny coverage because regardless of whether we live or die, they already have the money we are forced to pay them.

I don't condone murder at all, but I also don't care that he was murdered because he was guilty of murdering so many more people in this country through legal means because it's profitable. The CEOs are scared and there are wanted posters with their names and faces popping up in places. Every CEO of every healthcare company is guilty of murdering Americans and they continue to go unpunished for it because "it's just business".

So (if you've read this far) all of this previous rambling is to say that I keep thinking about how I want to make an impression. I want to continue upsetting the billionaires and the CEOs because corporate America is full of murderers who are legally allowed to decide whether we live or die based on which outcome will give them more money.

I have thought about the idea of creating a wall/constructing a wall somewhere as an art piece or something (making a statement) that will somehow honor the memory of people who died because insurance denied them care.

I know I definitely want it to say something along the lines of "In memory of those murdered by for-profit healthcare systems in corporate America". Something blatant. Loud. Something they are forced to look at every single day. Somehow. The wall could have images of those who are gone, or names of the person who died with the name of the insurance company responsible for their death underneath. Just something to make it clear that we see them for what they are. Something to avenge those who were sacrificed so billionaires and CEOS and shareholders could brag about record profits. Something that shows the whole world that American citizens are waking up to who the real monsters are.

The Adjuster (whoever he is or is not) has fanned the flames of revolution in America. He managed to unite us in a way I can't even recall before. It's not over. We know what happened to Brian Thompson was just the beginning, and corporate America only just now realized how much we actually hate them. A single shooter has sparked an awakening in America that is starting to snowball into something much bigger.

So if there is anyone out there who might be interested in collaborating on something like this, please let me know. I know we are all tired and demoralized and we have no money. I want to make a statement though, and I love doing that through art or writing. Collaborating with other people who have been through this same shit will also probably help us unite even more.

This is a watershed moment in American history.

In the words of Kanan Jarrus, Jedi Knight,

"There is a future for us. One where we're all free. But it's up to us to make it happen."

[monsteraddict1]

Chapter 5

This is a long ass chapter. Srry in advance

I was fucking squished in the car. I could feel both men squeezing me as they breathed. I was just praying wherever we were going was not too far from here.

As we left the base two other cars followed behind us.

It was a short drive into the colorful village. Honestly it was a beautiful place but I heard stories from Jackie on why her uncle left. I loved listening about her family and all the drama in it.

"White truck, four armed in the back." Soap's gruff Scottish voice rang through my left ear. I felt him shift for his gun. Alejandro turned around.

"Hey- tranquilo. Easy. That's normal here. Guns on the street is jurisdiction of the police."

"Where are the police?" Ghost's english accent vibrated through my right ear.

"Well. Las Almas has a very serious problem. There are few here who uphold the law. And many of those who resist corruption... Disappear." Alejandro responded.

"What about the military?" Soap questioned. His voice like a growl.

Does this whole team smoke?

"Well, because we are well trained, soldiers are recruited by the narcos."

  "Why not you?" Ghost's voice was gruff.

  Are we playing 21 questions??

  "We grew up here." Alejandro looked at Rudy. "They call us Los Vaqueros... cowboys. We love this place. And we will die fighting for it."

  I looked out of the right window to see a huge cathedral. As we continued to drive there were a bunch of men in masks and holding guns.

  Soap looked over at Ghost, who was already staring at Soap.

  "Kids, guns and Ballons... that's a new one." Soap spoke.

  "Narcos use generosity to win over the people."

  "Even the children?"

  "Especially the children." Rudy spoke in english.

  The car slowed down as the three of us in the back seat saw white sheets covering two bodies. I cringed at the sight.

  "What's on those sheets?"

  Alejandro rolled down the window. "Narcomantas..."

  "Cartel cloths." Rudy clarified.

  "Messages from El sin nombre. Warnings, marking territory." He paused for a beat. "Our streets are laced with death."

  I felt sick. Like physically sick. I will never even have the full story of how they grew up but it looked horrible.

  "Who's Sin Nombre?" Ghost asks yet another question. It took all the power in me not to correct him. I didn't want him to be more annoyed with me than he already seemed to be.

  "El sin Nombre. The nameless." Alejandro corrected. "The leader of the las Almas cartel."

  "Where can we find him?" Soap had a hard expression on his face.

  "You can't. No one knows who he is. But he is everywhere. And this is a challenge... but Los Vaqueros like challenges."

  "With your mask. You will fit in well here, Ghost." Rudy mused. I couldn’t help but smile at that.

  "Oye, tranquilo." Alejandro snickered. "Checkpoint. It's the army. Turn right. We will go around."

  "Why?" All these fucking men do is ask questions.

  "Some troops are in the pocket of El Sin Nombre. Like I told you. He is everywhere... cartel is hiding Hassan in the village across the river. Let's hope he's still there."

  Why the fuck did my aunt send me here. This is my second fucking mission and I'm pared with British people and my best friend's hot uncle and his funny best friend. Did she forget I have no experience?

  "You ready, (y/n)" Alejandro turned his head.

  "I'm fucked if I'm not." He just laughed at my words.

  We continued driving out of the village.

  "So Kate sent you? Why did you join exactly?" Soap asked YET ANOTHER question. I felt like I was tweaking with every question he asked.

  "It's private." I replied. I didn't want to sound like a spoiled teenager and say, 'oh I just absolutely needed a vacation. That's why I'm here to murder people and get the missals back to America!' It doesn't really sound the best.

  "So the CIA shit runs in the family?"

  "Sure."

  "What do you mean 'sure'?"

  "Well she's not my blood aunt. But I guess we are similar in ways. She's too smart though. Which is why I'm military not CIA." I joked a bit which earned a laugh from Soap.

"Aye, there's a reason I'm behind a gun and not a computer screen." Soap smiled. His smile was contagious and I couldn't help but mimic his grin.

"You're behind one occasionally." Ghost piped in. It wasn't as rude as he normally sounded. I could tell they were good friends though.

  "I just can't believe Lasswell is your aunt." Alejandro looked back at me.

  "She doesn't like to talk about her family." I crossed my arms to save space. "Which, knowing my step mother. I understand."

  "She didn't sound too pleasant when you were on the phone with her when you were over here last." Rudy joined in.

  God she called me every day! Asking when I'd be home and to be super careful because it's extremely dangerous in Mexico. It's dangerous here in Las Almas. Not where Jackie's family is.

"She was so annoying." I grumbled.

  "So you moved in with Lasswell?" Ghost asked.

  "Yeah. When I was seventeen."

  "Was your mum just eager to get you out of the house?" Soap laughed and looked down at my squished form.

  "Oh yes. Very." I replied, not wanting to go into detail of my life story. Not when I could get shot within the next five minutes.

  We continued to drive then we slowly came to a stop near a forested area. When the car stopped we all piled out.

  "Team leaders, circle up on me..." Alejandro commanded.

  "Copy, Colonel." Rudy followed behind him.

  I stood next to Soap as I watched.

  "Weapons hot, Vaqueros."

  "Let's move." Said one of the soldiers. They walked off, gun in hand.

  The five of us stood in a circle. Gear of and guns loaded. It was clear this town was abandoned.

  "Where are they hiding Hassan?" Soap asked.

  "White two story building, back of town." Alejandro gestured to the back of town.

  My aunt wasn't lying when she said getting trained quickly. I'm actually getting thrown into all of this.

  We quickly started moving. I stayed behind Soap. He was wearing a tan bullet proof vest with SAS on the back of it.

“You seem nervous, rookie.” Ghost let out a small chuckle.

“Sorry I don’t have twenty years of experience.” I snapped slightly.

Maybe I was too nervous. Speaking to a Lieutenant like that.

“I’m not that old.”

  We stopped in front of a black painted wooden gate. A stone wall surrounded the town.

  "All victors, stand by... Tres dos uno ejecutar ejecutar!" Alejandro gave the command and Ghost pushed the gate open with force. "Movimiento claro."

  "Civilians?" Soap asked.

  "Gone. Cartel took over. It's a hideout now."

  "Good place to keep Hassan." Soap thought aloud.

  "Next Gate Soap."

  We approached the next gate when we could hear shouting in the distance. "Las ratas se dirigen hacia ti! Puedo oírlos en el camino!"

  "Movimiento! Contacto- todos los Victors se mudan!"

  "Chicos! Aquí vienen! Vamos a la mierda!" They yelled. My heart and stomach dropped. And there is nothing I could do about it.

  "Copy. Twos moving!" Rudy's voice came over the coms.

  "They're down. Push up." Alejandro's voice was gruff.

  "Prepárate!" The cartel shouted. And I knew it was for their men but I couldn't help but take the advice as well. I took a deep breath and tried to relax. Key word... tried.

  We continued pushing through the town then once we turned the corner bullets flew past my head. I stood a little behind Soap and got a few shots in. Not 100% sure if I was really hitting the cartel members.

  Once we got a few of them we continued through the dirt streets. Shooting at any of the men that shot at us.

  "Clear." Soap looked around.

  "Secure the house. Then we will go for Hassan."

  We moved closer to the door to the house. I checked my back and made eye contact with Ghost. I quickly moved my head back forward.

  "Cuidado con todas las ventanas y puertas... están entrando..." I heard one of them whisper through the wall.

  "Cartel will move him fast." Soap brought up in his husky voice.

  "Then we move faster." Alejandro mused. "Take the door." Soap slowly pushed the door open. "Heads up, they're ready."

  We slowly walked into the house and the second we did we heard someone yell. "El hijo de puta!"

  The second Soap entered the hallway he shot what I assumed to be the man who screamed before.

  "Doorway, right side." Alejandro instructed. Soap did as he said but didn't find anything. "Hassan could be anywhere..."

  We probably walked two feet before bullets were flying through the door. The wood was chipped and in the wall from the force of the bullet. Soap threw in a grenade and we all took a few steps back. Except for Ghost. Who I conveniently backed up into.

  "Sorry." I muttered and took two steps forward to get out of his way.

  There was a loud boom and a flash of yellow light. I didn't even want to look into the room.

  Soap kicked the door open but I looked the other way. "Room clear."

  "Nice work, Hermano."

  "No sign of Hassan."

  "Not yet."

  Soap entered the room to make sure it was actually clear and we continued walking.

  "Keep clearing, Sargent." Ghost's low English accent rang through my brain from behind me.

  "Clear. What happened to the families here?"

  "The cartel brings violence. So they leave." Alejandro informed. We walked to the back door and I stood out of the way. "Ready to move." Soap went to open the door then the colonel put his hand on the door. "Stand by. Victor dos, this is uno- uno. Despliega humo. Nos estamos mudando." He spoke over the coms.

  I looked out the window and saw smoke form outside.

  "Where's your family, Alejandro?" Soap looked at him.

  "I keep that a secret, hermano... to protect them." Alejandro looked back at Soap.

  Martin does not want protection. He wants to be just like his father on the field.

  "We have concealment." Ghost spoke as he looked out the window.  I looked at him as he spoke. He looked back down at me. "Ready, private?"

  "I don't have a choice."

  He chuckled slightly at that. "No. You don't."

"Let's move." Alejandro stood up. "On me, Soap." He opened the door and we all followed behind. The white two story house was right in front of us. "This is where they were hiding Hassan. Expect resistance. Todos los equipos, establezcan la contención. Preparación para la violación."

  One of his men shot open the door and kicked it in. As we entered we were immediately met with resistance. I aimed my gun for his head and pulled the trigger. The bullet whizzed past Soap and Alejandro right into the cartel member's head. Soap walked straight ahead and got a guy hiding behind a blue door.

  The house itself was cute. It reminded me of Alejandro's, with bright yellow walls and the doors having a painted trim. There was a painting of the mountains and a bunch of house plants. It was very homey and warm.

  "Clear! No Hassan." Alejandro spoke through the com.

  "Second deck." Ghost replied.

   "Sí. Vamos. Let's move upstairs and get Hassan."

  I followed behind Soap. "You think he's actually up there?"

  "Fuckin' better be." Soap responded without looking at me.

  "Holding at the stairs." Alejandro spoke as we heard another gunshot.  Soap and I turned to find the staircase. We slowly crept our way up the red tiled stairs. "If Hassan is here, he is in this room." Alejandro whispered as we made it to the second floor.

  Soap and I walked in first and started getting shot at. We fired back but there was no sign of Hassan.

  "You two secure the room. I'll cover." Alejandro instructed as Soap and I walked around the room.

  "We got Hassan cornered. Get in there." Ghost said as we made it to another painted door.

  Soap kicked it in. "Clear. No Hassan."

  "Todos los vencedores, apuntan a construir de forma segura. Negativo en Hassan."

  "Entendido que." Rudy responded to Alejandro from the coms.

  Alejandro let out a deep sigh. One of frustration and exhaustion. "They must've moved him."

  "When?" Soap asked. I looked out the window and saw a few dead cartel members.

  "Recently."

  "Quds Force. That's his flag." Ghost pointed to the desk. It was littered in books and paper.

  "He was here."

  "Alejandro's intel was good." I could hear Soap smile.

  "Comandante! El ejército está llegando!" Rudy yelled in a panic.

  Shit.

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

reading update: august 2023

wow what a month!!! I turned 27, I got to do so much work on a documentary on queer style, and most importantly I read a batch of really cool books that I'm so excited to ramble about. so let's cut the bullshit, here's what I've been reading!

Condomnauts (Yoss, 2013; trans. David Frye, 2018) - thank you to, who else, tumblr user @condomnauts for the recommendation! the premise of this book is so sensational: humankind has taken to the stars and become part of a bustling galactic community, with a catch: politeness demands that when different species get together to trade, they open negotiations by sending members from each crew to have sex with each other. these "condomnauts" are highly in demand among humans, since it takes a very particular kind of person to figure out how to bone down with someone who isn't even remotely human. but it's not all fun or free-wheeling space orgies; our protagonist, Josue, is up to his eyes in unresolved trauma from the miserable violence and poverty of his upbringing (seriously, look up those trigger warnings; it gets pretty yucky out there) and has definitely never been to space therapy. ultimately this book isn't as much of a romp as I might have hoped and does fall a bit more into "let's explain at length how the sci-fi tech works" than I usually like, but. BUT. I have to say, the payoff at the (deep sigh) climax of the book (and it is, in fact, a climax) took me totally by surprise and made me SHRIEK with delight when I realized what was about to happen; huge props to Yoss for bringing that particular plot point so perfectly full circle.

Raw Dog: The Naked Truth About Hot Dogs (Jamie Loftus, 2023) - I'm a huge fan of all of Jamie Loftus' nonfiction podcast series (go listen to Ghost Church, like, immediately. stop reading this an go do it) so I was naturally pretty fucking stoked for her first foray into nonfiction books. the premise is simple enough: driven by a need to consume a truly terrifying amount of hot dogs for research, Loftus and her boyfriend set off on a cross-country road trip, sampling hot dogs across America so that Loftus can alternate descriptions of the most iconic contemporary hot dogs with an investigation of the hot dog's sordid past. as is pretty much the signature of Jamie Loftus' work, to me, the end result is much funnier, weirder, and sadder than the innocuous-sounding premise would suggest; in addition to the perils of colonialism, capitalism, COVID-19, and factory farming, Loftus does a remarkably tactful job documenting the the downfall of her own relationship as she searches for the perfect dog. cannot recommend enough, an incredible debut.

Yellowface (R.F. Kuang, 2023) - a couple of months ago I read my first R.F. Kuang book, Babel, and thought that it couldn't possibly live up to the amount of hype that it was getting at the time. and I was wrong! Babel was tremendous! but surely R.F. Kuang, that crazy son of a gun, couldn't pull it off twice in one year. and yet! Yellowface was a book I found hard to put down, because with each chapter came some fresh new BUGFUCK CRAZY BULLSHIT from our terrible, terrible protagonist. maybe the plot hinging so much on extremely online book discourse will make it inaccessible for some readers, but as someone who used to spend a lot of time on lit twitter I got it and felt seen. honestly, if this kind of discourse broke loose on twitter tomorrow - a white author stealing the work of her Chinese-American friend? publishing it after her friend's tragic premature death?? changing her name to sound more racially ambiguous??? - I might go crawling back to X dot com just to gawk. this is a satirical thriller of the highest order, and if you love mess as much as me you will gobble this shit up.

The Prisoner's Wife (asha bandele, 1999) - and now for a totally different vibe than I've been bringing you so far! bandele's memoir is an absolutely wrenching account of falling in love with Rashid, a man incarcerated for murder and the ensuing fight to build a life together. bandele is a poet and it shows; her words flow beautifully even in the ugliest of circumstances. this is no suffering porn but a nakedly honest account, all of the good and all of the bad in her relationship. the struggles are never limited to the inhumanity of American carceral system, and the reader is also witness to the usual growing pains of two people learning how to love each other heightened by the enormous obstacles of stolen autonomy. but for every moment of difficulty there is love, such an enormity of love that you at time feel the need to look away from someone being so vulnerable. but I'm so grateful bandele shared the way she did. even reading the book two decades after its publication, with the knowledge that she and her husband Rashid would ultimately divorce, did nothing to dull the love. the love was real, and bandele captured it with devastating precision.

Clay's Ark (Octavia E. Butler, 1984) - god, I love Octavia. just when you think you know where she's going with a story of a creepy codependent psychic cult she zags on you and introduces a SECOND creepy codependent cult, this time in the form of a bunch of HORNY PARASITIC SPACE WEREWOLVES hiding out in the desert! there was no mention of Mary and the Pattern! where are they, Octavia? why are they sending people into space? what does it mean that aliens are in play now? are they going to fight in the next book? god, I hope they fight. there was some gruesome shit in Clay's Ark, but man was I compelled.

My Wandering Warrior Existence (Nagata Kabi, 2020; trans. Jocelyne Allen, 2022) - this was a really exciting new turn for Nagata's graphic memoirs! this one is a great reflection on ✨romance✨ as Nagata begins the arduous work of trying to figure out what romance means to them and what she'd actually want out of a relationship. there was a lot that I related to immensely, although our outcomes may be different - in my case, I realized that building so many mental hurdles for myself because I didn't want to be in a relationship at all. watching someone else navigate that journey at a later age than people are usually expected to is so cool, especially doing it so thoughtfully and with such candor and coming from a place of queerness. I don't know where things are going for Nagata Kabi, but I'm excited for the next translation of her work to be released in November. and I really recommend this graphic memoir to anyone trying to figure out their own romance situation, whether or not you're read the preceding volumes; it can stand quite well on its own!

Love, Hate & Clickbait (Liz Bowery, 2022) - guys. listen. I was so prepared to hate this romance novel, but "a governor forces two of her male staffers to fake date each other to win #woke points" is pretty heinous premise! and it SUPER doesn't help that one of these guys, Thom, is a stone cold manipulative bastard who's chronically online and obsessed with his job to a generally terrifying degree. (the other guy, Clay, is just kind of a doofus who's been, I think, accidentally autism-coded.) but by the end [SPOILERS] Thom has uuuuuh suffered complete and total ego death and renounced his entire life, and it kind of rules? idk, the fake dating might be kind of long and tedious if you're not into fake dating, by which I mean it was tedious for me, but the climax really catapulted it up the list of romance novels I've read this year. also I regret to say the sex is pretty good.

Docile (K.M. Szpara, 2020) - god almighty I put off actually getting to this book for YEARS but I'm glad I did, because I don't know if I would have had the range to appreciate her back in 2020. the basic bones premise - a slightly future dystopia in which those in extreme debt can take a drug called Dociline to become a passive blank slate and sell themselves as servants for the ultrawealthy - barely scratches the surface; it's an intoxicating story about power, control, cobsession, consent, vulnerability, exploitation, capitalism, and loss of self in so many different ways. also I once again regret to say that the sex is pretty good. I completely understand why this book wouldn't be someone's cup of tea - jesus CHRIST read those content warnings - but I couldn't read it fast enough.

Carnal Knowledge: Sex Education You Didn't Get in School (Zoë Ligon and Elizabeth Renstrom, 2020) - what a fun book! for those of y'all who don't know Ligon's work, she's the owner of Spectrum Boutique, a Detroit-based sex toy store that I endorse wholeheartedly and as often as possible! Ligon has put together a great little book of beginner's sexual affirmations, covering everything from body image to pubic hair to relationship styles as well as, naturally, sex toys. it's a great read for anybody, and Renstrom's whimsical, vibrant photos make it a delight to flip through. I'd recommend it for anyone, especially my many anons over the years who have asked how to start getting more comfortable thinking and talking about sexuality. it's a great place to start, a gorgeous little safe space of a book that welcomes everyone to think more widely about pleasure and how to find it.

[zerogravityinq]

Wand price headcanon a go go

Tom - eventually gets his original wand back but his first wand in his new life was 40 dollars (he got it in America)

Jason - 150 and it was also an American creation.

Conner - 1.5k and it was Collab of Ollivander and an American wand maker. The cost is so high is mostly hazard pay of working with kryptonite which forms the core of his wand.

Damian - 50 USD (not sure what this is in galleons) and it was an Ollivander creation.

Terry - 110 USD and American made

Lilith - 500 and American made. Price is hazard pay for dealing with ectoplasmic fire for her wand core.

Danny - 1.2k and Infinite Realms made. The materials were hard to come by (ghost wood and a ectoplasmic ice)

(Bonus: Jazz's wand is 120 because it is Ollivander but also 'enhanced' by her parents.)

(Bonus Bonus: Jason carries a gun shaped CAD and that one is roughly 600k because it's charmed tech. He's on his 3rd one by the time the story ends)

[foggysirens]

ao3 masterlist

hello friends! finally figured it was time to compile all my fics together over here on tumblr for easy access!

as of now, everything i've written is star wars/dinluke, but if that changes in the future you'll see that updated here!

oneshots

lost to you (4.3k, T)

“I didn’t think I’d ever step foot back onto Tatooine again.” Din spins around, blaster drawn. His grip on the gun falters when he sees who’s standing behind him. “Skywalker?”

sharp dressed man (3.7k, T)

“Okay,” he says, pushing open the door of the changing room as he tightens the tie around his neck and smoothes out an errant wrinkle from the front of his shirt. “How do I look?” He hopes that this will be the winning look. It’s definitely the only one he’s liked so far, the only one he can see himself buying and actually wearing afterwards. Bo-Katan just needs to agree, or else Din will end up sitting next to a co-council that’s plotting to set his wardrobe on fire. “A bit like my uncle if I’m being honest,” replies a voice that is decidedly not Bo-Katan’s.

all of this turbulence (wasn't forecasted) (5.6k, T)

Luke Skywalker always wanted to be a pilot. He never got to be.

no language left to say it (4.9k, T)

“What is that?” “What is what?” Leia points a finger at him, “That thing on your head!” Confusion blooms for a second before realization sinks in, “Oh! My braid?” - In where Luke grows a Padawan braid and there are a lot of thoughts about it.

sprinkling stardust (10.1k, T)

There was nothing in the world that Luke was more sure of than he was about Din Djarin. Din's son? Not so much. - Or, the one where Luke realizes that dating a guy with a kid can be hard. Especially when the aforementioned kid doesn't seem to like you.

a moment in the sun (10k, T)

“Let me get this right,” Din says slowly. “You’re telling me that we have to captain one of the company baseball teams together and prove that we’re a good couple, or your uncle is going to fire you?” “Pretty much.” - Or, the one where Luke comes to figure out what he wants most out of life, all to the tune of intermediate corporate baseball.

get there fast (and then we'll take it slow) (11.3k, T)

The first thought that crosses Luke’s mind about the man in front of him is that, ‘his eyes are stunning’. His second thought is a loud and resounding, ‘shit’. - Or, the one where Luke is forced to retire early, copes by flying across the country to visit his sister, and falls head over heels for the handsome stranger that he got caught staring at in the airport.

après nous, le déluge (20k, M)

A year after a less than favourable meeting, Mand'alor Din Djarin is once again face to face with the man that everyone around him seems to think he despises. If only they knew the truth. - Or, the one where finding love as the ruler of an entire planet is hard, but keeping it a secret is harder.

all for freedom and for pleasure (9.4k, T)

“It was you.” The words fall from Luke’s lips before he can stop them. The Mandalorian freezes, helmeted gaze turning to focus on him. “The Force was leading me to you.” - Or, in an act of desperation, the Rebellion seeks out help from a rather unlikely source, leaving Luke unsure of how to feel about the new arrival to Echo Base, but unable to deny that the Force works in mysterious ways.

called for you everywhere (20k, T)

Din’s done well for himself, all things considered. Living under the nose of the Empire, hiding in plain sight. Surviving. Not bad for a former Jedi. - Or, in the aftermath of Order 66, former Jedi apprentice Din Djarin spends his days trying to track down a lost piece of his past. What he finds, however, is far more than he was expecting.

kiss me once again (15.6k, T)

Seventy years. Din Djarin lost seventy years of his life and only has memories of ghosts to show for it. Until the man on the bridge, that is. - Or, the one where Din is Captain America and Luke is the Winter Soldier and it's just about as tragic as you'd expect.

you're the cigarette (and i'm the smoker) (2.5k, T)

He reaches over toward his lover's side of the bed, but instead of warm skin, his hand falls flat against cold, rumpled sheets. Luke blinks up at the ceiling, twisting his fingers around the empty bedding. - Or, Luke and Din share a late-night smoke.

specific taste (5k, M)

“What’s your name?” the Mandalorian asks again. Luke pauses. This could be it. He could tell this mysterious and sexy stranger his name and risk getting recognized, or he could do what he came here to do in the first place. “Marc,” he says. “My name is Marc.” - Or, the one where Luke just wants one night to be anyone else at all.

boys workin' on empty (9.3k, T)

“Do you like it?” Luke couldn’t help but ask as he walked backwards and hopped up onto the crate, tired of standing on his feet. "Driving, I mean." Din glanced at him over his shoulder, something flashing across his face that Luke wasn’t able to decipher before he looked away again. “I don’t mind it. It’s quiet for the most part. Decent hours and I’m always home for supper.” “Must be nice.” “If you like that sort of thing.” “I do.” - Or, the one where Luke works retail and Din is the dashing delivery driver that he can't seem to get out of his mind.

i'll be gone (in a day or two) (15k, M)

Before it all, Luke Skywalker had been a teacher. - Or, the one where the dead outnumber the living, but Din and Luke still end up finding each other anyway.

my love is mine, all mine (2.5k, T)

Going months without Din was like getting rain on Tatooine. Unfathomable. - Or, Luke returns home.

shake this frost off of my bones (5.4k, T)

“Eager to get rid of me?” “You’re not eager to go?” Luke raises an eyebrow. “Out here all alone on a stranger's farm? Someone else in your shoes might say they’re in trouble.” Din hums, “You don’t seem like the trouble type, Mr. Skywalker.” Luke winks, “Well, I’m glad one of us thinks so, Mr. Djarin.” - Or, Luke is a farmer and Din has car troubles.

a misfit and a mess (14.9k, T)

Din Djarin has been playing Dungeons and Dragons professionally for nearly ten years. He's never shared a table with someone quite like Luke Skywalker before. - Or, the one where sometimes the best way to discover real love is to find it in a fantasy world first.

true blue (5k, T)

“How do you just keep getting better with age?” Luke admires aloud, leaning down to press a chaste kiss to Din’s chin. “You look so good. It’s infuriating.” “You’re one to talk,” Din grumbles between more kisses. “Can’t even see the sliver in your hair it’s so blond.” Luke pulls away, blinking. “What?” - Or, the one where Luke doesn't handle growing older as well as he thought he would.

you're going to die here, you know (13.4k, M)

There’s a grit under Luke’s nails that won’t go away.

suffer does the wolf (4.4k, T)

He ignores the tremble of the flame once he finally finds the beat-up Zippo he carries around, flicking it to life and cupping it up to his face. It throws just enough light to cut through some of the licking, blue wounds cast by the moonlight, but not enough to do anything more than make the grave before him look endlessly deep. A black chasm of bugs and dirt that he’s suddenly very sure must stretch down to the very core of Hell itself. It looks like every dark and swirling and fetid thought that has lived in Din’s head since his heart got placed six feet underground. - Or, Din digs up a grave.

chaptered fics

dumb, beautiful boy (18.1k, T, Completed)

There's a point in which Din thinks anyone else would just stop, let themselves stumble, maybe trip a little gracelessly and admit defeat. But Luke keeps going. He tries to continue his jog, but he’s lost most of his momentum and his legs are off-balanced. Luke starts to pitch forward and Din only manages to take one step towards him before Luke tumbles to the ground; landing on his stomach, arms sprawled in front of him. - Or, the five times Luke fell and the one time Din caught him.

somewhere only we know (63k, T, Ongoing)

Scanning the paper, Din's eyes fall onto a listing that he had somehow missed. Right at the bottom of the page, in smudged black ink, is a listing from the natural history museum looking for a new nighttime security guard. Now that was an interesting thought. - Or, Din is a struggling single father who becomes the natural history museum's new night guard. He's not expecting much out of the job other than a steady paycheque, but when the sun goes down and the exhibits start to come to life, Din needs to find a way to keep everything under control. A task easier said than done, especially when there's a certain Medieval knight who won't leave him alone.

[liugeaux]

The Best Games of 2006 | The 7th Gen is Here

In 2006, with the release of the Wii and PS3, the 7th console generation was officially in full swing. This list ended up having a nice mixture of all the consoles on the market, but 2006 began one of the most pivotal era of video games, and this top 10 is a vivid snapshot of the industry at the time.

As always this will be written as if it was written in December of '06 so any later commentary about these series will not be mentioned. Here we go!

#10 - Tomb Raider: Legend

The Tomb Raider franchise has always had a reputation of being a fun, yet arduous series. The puzzles were obtuse and frustrating and controlling Lara was a bit of a chore. This year, the team at Crystal Dynamics has finally gotten the formula right. With the transition from generation to generation it's hard to know which franchises will successfully make the jump to new hardware, and Tomb Raider proves Lara Croft has legs (no pun intended).

#9 - Tetris DS

Tetris is the best puzzle game ever made. It's the puzzle game on which dozens of other puzzle games are built. Tetris has seen a consistent flow of releases over the years and the quality has been shaky, but Tetris DS gets it right in nearly every way. The controls are tight, the gameplay is true, and like its Game Boy predecessors, the DS makes for a great pick-up-and-play Tetris machine. Even the touch-specific game modes are a welcomed detour, but the real star here is the presentation. Most Tetris games have a reverence for the Tetris method, but Tetris DS has a reverence specifically for the original Nintendo-published Tetris titles and that makes all the difference.

#8 - Resistance: Fall of Man

Ratchet and Clank developers Insomniac tried their hand at an FPS this year and for the most part, hit the jackpot. They created lore and a world engaging enough to explore and sprinkled in just enough Ratchet and Clank gun chaos to make the experience a unique one. Sure it has many of the issues you see with console launch games, but it lays the groundwork for both future Resistance games, and other hard-hitting shooters on PS3.

#7 - Gears of War

Last year's Resident Evil 4 turned out to be much more influential than I thought. Where RE4 established the over-the-shoulder camera as a viable 3rd person game mechanic, Gears of War has perfected it. Borrowing the fast-paced nature of the best FPSs, the over-the-top gore of a Mortal Kombat, and revolutionizing the cover-based shooter, Gears is a new franchise for a new generation. Sure, it's a bit repetitive at times and by the end, the chest-high-walls gimmick begins to feel flimsy, but like Resistance, this world is hungry for my action.

#6 - Marvel Ultimate Alliance

As the spiritual successor to the solid X-Men Legends games, Ultimate Alliance didn't have to be amazing to stick the landing. After being handed the keys to nearly the entire Marvel kingdom, Raven Software built an adventure that successfully translates the enormity of the Marvel universe, while still being an engaging Action-RPG. It even acts as a shortcut through the deep lore of the source material. I learned more about B-tier characters like Thor, Ghost Rider, Moon Knight, and Captain America than any other medium has been able to teach me thus far.

#5 - New Super Mario Bros.

Mario has been bouncing around 3D environments since '96's Super Mario 64. Outside of weird esoteric one-offs here and there, Mario hasn't had a proper major 2D adventure since Super Mario World. I don't count Yoshi's Island, that's a Yoshi game. New Super Mario Bros. is a glorious return to form. The simple idea of, let's make one of those old 2D Mario games, but with up-to-date graphics, seems like a no-brainer, and it turns out to be a winning formula.

#4 - Guitar Hero II

Better in every way, Guitar Hero II improves on its predecessor and proves the fad from last year is still in vogue. The only downside to Guitar Hero II is that it's a PS2 release. Moving the series into the new generation would have unlocked a lot of potential. Luckily Activision has announced it will be hitting Xbox 360 in the Spring, so maybe putting this game on the 2006 list might be a bit premature, but few other games have soaked up as much of my time this year as Guitar Hero II.

#3 - Okami

When a team takes an established formula (The Legend of Zelda) and attempts to make a stand-out game, they need to come up with something fresh and brilliant to garner respect and attention. With Okami, Clover Studio did just that. Like Shadow of the Colossus last year, Okami is squeezing every bit of power out of the PS2 that it can. Enough like a Zelda game to feel familiar, yet beautifully animated with stunning watercolors to make it stand out, Okami puts an exclamation point on a tried and true formula whose days might be numbered.

#2 - The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess

Ever since Space World 2000 Nintendo has been on the hook to give us a more mature and realistic Legend of Zelda game. Windwaker, arguably the best game in the series, had its detractors, so Twilight Princess had a lot to live up to. Full of polish, and style, this game is the perfection of the formula established by Ocarina of Time. Its dungeons are the best the series has seen and while the wolf transformation mechanic may seem lazy at first, it pays off in both gameplay and story. Twilight Princess is what we've wanted from the Zelda series for a long time and it definitely lives up to the hype.

#1 - Wii Sports

Swooping in out of nowhere, Wii Sports is not only the game of the year, it could go down as the most important game of the generation. With the launch of the Wii, Nintendo has reset the market on what it means to be a gamer. It's hands down the most accessible game ever released and is far more than a proof of concept for the Wii platform. Bowling and Tennis alone are worth the price of admission, even if that admission is the cost of a Wii. Nintendo has successfully predicted the market and given us what we didn't know we wanted: motion controls. As with any new tech and launch there's a layer of jank here, but it's worth it to experience the action that has gotten millions of gamers off the couch and swinging their Wii-motes.

Notable Omissions

The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion - There are a lot of things about Oblivion that make it not a game for me. It's a heavy RPG, with a fantasy setting. Everything about that turns me off.

Bully - I might have enjoyed Bully, but since I hate playing GTA games, I stayed away from it.

Final Fantasy XII - This series has never been on my radar as it is WAY too anime for my liking. It being a heavy RPG doesn't help my interest either.

That's it! Next time we dive into 2007.

Cheers

[casspurrjoybell-17]

Heart’s Choice - Chapter 32 - Part 1

*Warning Adult Content*

Carlos Martinez

Sometimes I fucking hate ghosts, I mean, I get it's not their fault.

Things are different on the other side, memories get jumbled, timelines distort, it's hard to get a message through the veil, still, in all this time, Kyle couldn't once have just pointed at the bad guy?

I guess he tried but I feel like almost getting me crushed by a truck and then cryptically yelling 'stay away from him' was less than helpful, somehow.

"Who the fuck are you?" I ask, glaring up at Rafael from where I huddle in the back corner of the van.

The floor is bare metal 'easy to clean, an unhelpful part of my mind suggests' and I have to press myself against the wall to avoid being thrown around as Rexi takes turns too sharply for such a boxy vehicle.

Rafael sits in the front passenger seat, which conveniently swivels like an office chair so he can keep an eye on me.

He holds the gun as casually as a relaxed man holds a drink... as if it wasn't a weapon he'd used to kill someone right in front of me.

"I take it your family never mentioned ours," he says, the corner of his mouth raised in the semblance of a smile.

"Allow me to make introductions. Rafael Moretti and this is my sister, Regina. We come from a line like yours, demon hunters, though we originate from Rome, while the first Martinez of your... particular variety... hailed from Catalonia, I believe."

"I don't know what you're talking about."

I try to pitch my voice low to avoid sounding as terrified as I feel but it trembles anyway and my heart races so fast I gasp for breath at the end of my sentence.

Rafael smirks, apparently enjoying his villain-explaining-shit moment.

"Seems your education is lacking. Not surprising, I suppose. The Martinez whores are matriarchal, aren't they? You probably weren't worth their time."

"That's a lie," I hiss, rising to the bait despite myself.

"My aunt didn't go for that gendered shit. She taught me everything she knew."

Rexi snorts a laugh.

"Clearly not."

I glare at her but as she's facing forward and focused on the road, the effort is futile.

Rafael lifts his hand, as it's the hand holding the gun, I flinch but he merely scratches the side of his head, eying me thoughtfully.

"Did she tell you why you get possessed so easy?" he asks.

"What makes you such a perfect vessel?"

I lift my chin at him.

"Yeah, I'm a Martinez. It's in my blood. My mom was the same way."

"Nah."

Rafael shakes his head.

"She wasn't. She didn't run because she got possessed. She ran because she got hunted."

"Christ on a kebab, Raf," Rexi groans, half her face illuminated by the red glare of a stoplight as she screeches to a halt and turns to look at him.

"You're giving him a fuckin' history lesson?"

"He deserves to know," Rafael says sternly, keeping his eyes on me.

"Fine. Give him the cliffs-notes."

She huffs and turns her attention back to the road, stomping on the gas as the light changes and making me bang my head against the wall with the force of acceleration.

Where were the cops when you wanted them?

Rafael focuses on me.

"As I said, our families are similar. In fact, we shared a mission once, to rid the earth of demons. We worked together in Europe, centuries ago. We Morellis were the scholars and demonologists, you Martinezes were the muscle, the exorcists and assassins. Then your side split for the so called 'new world' settling in Central America and mixing blood with the native tribes. We followed, eventually but landed further north."

I eye him warily, I'm pretty sure whatever he has planned for me isn't a surprise birthday party but it seems he's not going to shoot me either... not until he finishes his story, anyway so my fear level comes down from a ten to an eight-point-five.

"Okay, colonialism 101. So far so good," I say.

"What does any of this have to do with what's happening now?"

Rafael smiles.

"Tell me, Carlos, what is the best way to banish a demon from this plane?"

I frown at him.

"Trap it in a vessel and exorcise it."

That's what Toni taught me, anyway.

Rafael nods.

"Exactly. But good vessels aren't easy to come by, are they?"

Unsure where he's going with this, I stay silent.

"Long ago, our families found a solution. The perfect vessel, it turns out, is both born and made. Children conceived of a possessed host are naturally more open to receiving spirits. They slip between worlds, relinquishing their physical bodies as a driver might relinquish control of a vehicle for a time and reclaiming it just as easily. The women of your line proved especially suited to bearing such children, who, for whatever reason, were always born male."

"You wonder why your clan is matriarchal?" Rexi asks, her eyes flashing in the rear-view mirror as she glances back at me.

"'Cause the men die young. Vessels are born to serve, not to last."

"What kinda Rosemary's Baby shit is this?" I rasp.

"My dad wasn't possessed. My mom wouldn't do that. And how the fuck would you know, anyway?"

"Because unlike you, we learned our history," Rafael says.

"The reason your family left Europe for the Americas was to escape the burden of sacrifice. They kept the tradition, of course... stayed true to the mission but performed the ritual only once per generation. One vessel, who would be treated as sacred and protected at all costs. Even so, according to our grandmother, your grandmother had a hell of a time convincing your mom to go through with it."

My ears ring as the blood drains from my face, Toni never talked about her mom, she'd talk about family history and traditions until she was blue in the face but abuela was something I'd learned not to mention.

"Our grandmothers knew each other?"

"Sure," Rexi says, swerving through another intersection like a stunt driver in an action scene.

"Which would make sense if Raf would get to the God-damn point."

"I am getting there," Rafael snaps.

"Shut up and drive."

Rexi flips him off.

Rafael runs his free hand through his black curls and blows a breath through his nose.

"Right. Anyway, our families reconnected in the last century. Started working more closely together again. Occultism was on the rise, knowledge had become cheap. People were opening doors left and right. Letting things through. Only, unlike in the past, we couldn't just go on a crusade, round up the witches and burn them."

"What a pity," I drawl.

He lifts a brow at me.

"People always focus on the innocent collateral. They'd sing a different tune if they knew the truth. Sometimes sacrifices are called for. You can't make an omelet without breaking some eggs, as they say."

"Yeah, well, you could also cook something else."

"Not in this case. Our families homed in on one particular demon. Something old and powerful, a lesser God, you might say, that had slipped through into the place between worlds. You know it?"

I shudder, remembering the 'in-between' where I'd sensed the dark presence.

"Yewah."

"It's been stuck there for a long time, unable to break through into this plane but waiting for a chance. If it managed it, who knows what havoc it might wreak on this world?"

Rexi chimes in again.

"We're talking apocalyptic proportions here, in case that's not clear. Volcanism, epic storms, earthquakes, plagues, asteroids, you name it."

"So, worse than climate change?" I quip weakly.

Rafael rubs his jaw.

"I doubt you'll understand, so I won't try to explain in depth but it's a matter of probabilities and of will. Think of the worst outcome of climate change that has ever been predicted and the chance that it will happen soon. The demon could tip things so that it comes to pass."

I stare at him, then shake my head. He's right about me not understanding.

"Okay, so what happened?"

"Our grandmother performed a complex ritual intended to trap the demon and subjugate it to her will, at which point she could return it to its native realm. Unfortunately, this ritual required... sacrifices and she was not entirely forthcoming in her design."

"What?" I squint at him.

"Fucking hell. Just say it already, Raf," Rexi gripes and hits the brakes so hard I narrowly avoid being thrown across the van.

She takes a turn and the tires bounce as we leave the pavement and crunch onto gravel and dirt.

"Twenty years ago, our grandmother performed the ritual of Feasts. She used our dad as the vessel, only because you weren't old enough but your meddling mom and her sister didn't know the plan and intervened at the worst possible moment."

"Wait a minute... Are you talking about the Lucille Peters case from back then? The exorcism gone wrong?" I ask.

"Lucille Morelli, at the time," Rafael says.

"Our grandmother."

My brain goes blank but Rexi keeps talking.

"So, our father died for nothing, while your whore mother caught the demon's eye. Your mom and aunt fled. Your aunt hid you behind the supernatural equivalent of Fort Knox, while your mom just... ran. Guess she figured a moving target was harder to pin down. Meanwhile, we got shipped off to relatives in Italy while Lucille went to ground."

"But the problem of the demon remained," Rafael says, picking up the thread.

"Lucille tried the ritual again after she remarried but it didn't work. Not without a proper vessel."

"She used Kyle's parents... and her husband?" I ask, feeling sick as much from the thought as from Rexi's driving.

Rafael nods.

"Indeed. Unfortunately, she failed. She realized she would need help and the proper tools. So, she sent for us and for you."

"Me?" I blink and shake my head.

"That's insane. I never heard of her before I moved here. I approached her about renting the garage."

"You know how magic works, Carlos?" Rafael asks.

"Real magic, I mean. It's the effect of our will upon the world. Lucille spent years exerting her will to bring you here. Things that seemed random, that just happened a certain way? You could say that's coincidence. You could say it's magic, too."

I shake my head.

"Wait. Wait. So you're telling me this is all about me? Sorry but I'm not that delusional."

"That's the thing, Carlos... it's not about you," Rafael says, leaning forward with a zealous gleam in his eyes.

"It's not about any of us. It's about the mission. Our duty. Lucille understood that. Which is why she sacrificed herself for the second Feast. She didn't have long to live, anyway and she trusted us to finish it."

"What about Kyle? Did he volunteer?"

I shake my head as tears sting my eyes, talk about getting all the shitty luck in the world. Poor kid.

"What did he do to deserve what you did to him?"

"Nothing," Rafael says, apparently untroubled by the thought.

"Like your friend at the bar... he was collateral. An acceptable loss, in the grand scheme of things."

"And the drugs?"

Rexi barks a laugh as she jerks the van to a halt and throws the parking brake.

"Raf's idea," she says.

"In the old days, we'd have used something like ayahuasca to open the offering's mind and dull their pain. These days, getting a hold of stuff like that is hard. So we turned to more modern solutions. A mistake, in retrospect. We were untraceable, if not for that."

I feel like I've followed the white rabbit a little too far and shake my head again.

"The fuck," I whisper.

"You're both insane. There's got to be another way to get rid of this demon. I've served as a vessel plenty of times. Why couldn't you just ask me? Why's it gotta be the Feasts?"

"Because the demon can't know what's coming," Rafael says.

"And because to banish it, first we need control. We have to make a deal and for that, we have to give it what it wants."

"In other words, you," Rexi says.

"And for that, Carlos, you'll have to die."

[containatrocity]

This town was a shithole. Stryx had assumed that Jersey was the worst kind of place America had to offer, but after an encounter with inarguably the most insufferable set of yokels she'd ever been forced to spend 30 seconds around, she wasn't sure she wasn't in hell. Ghosts? demons? Whatever those things outside were, she could deal with those. A conversation with some redneck about checking her guns at the door when all she was doing was looking for permission to hunt her own food before going back to the commune? Probably a circle in the depths somewhere. Coffee had been the solution, it was hard to fuck up, she assumed.

She was incorrect, because this place served coffee that was a lot like making love in a canoe- Fucking close to water. And, as if the day couldn't get worse- "Motherfucker!" It was difficult to put Stryx on the back foot- big as she was, it was like smacking into a wall- which meant that now there was coffee all over her good leather jacket. "Oooof course. Because today was definitely already going the way 'covered in coffee' would improve." She turns her gaze down, a scowl on black-painted features. "Yeah, dollface, no spills on your end, meanwhile I'm wearing my shit." She inhales deeply, centering herself. "Where the fuck are you headed that you need to forgo looking where the hell you're going?"

where: outside the daily grind who: open

Mylene was typically a very cautious person, but she had lost track of time reading a book during her lunch hour and was now rushing to get back to the library with multiple coffees in hand for her coworkers. She'd been in such a rush that she didn't see someone coming the other way and ran directly into them, making her gasp. "Oh no! I'm so sorry, are you alright?" she quickly asked, looking the other over to make sure no coffee had spilt on them. "At least no spills, right?" she smiled anxiously, hoping they weren't upset.

[bonky-n-steeb]

𝐶𝑂𝐷𝐸 𝐵𝐿𝑈𝐸

𝙎𝙏𝙀𝙑𝙀 𝙍𝙊𝙂𝙀𝙍𝙎 𝙭 𝙍𝙀𝘼𝘿𝙀𝙍

𝗦𝗨𝗠𝗠𝗔𝗥𝗬: Steve is angry on you for behaving recklessly and you decide to let him take his anger out on you in a very unprofessional way...

𝗪𝗔𝗥𝗡𝗜𝗡𝗚𝗦: Unprotected sex, spanking, shower sex, rough sex, hair pulling, handjob, choking, PWP (porn with a very little plot... wait who am I lying to? It’s porn.) 𝙈𝙄𝙉𝙊𝙍𝙎 𝙋𝙇𝙀𝘼𝙎𝙀 𝘿𝙉𝙄!

For my sake, your sake, your mom’s sake and for the betterment of the entire world, if you are a minor, please do not read this!🔞

Beta’d by the wonderful @lex-the-flex But all mistakes are mine

This is my first time writing smut, so please be kind 🥺 It’s filth... absolutely filth, even I can’t believe I’ve written this 🤦🏽‍♀️ I hope to god my mom never finds this and Marvel is probably gonna sue me for writing this.

“Steve!”

You exclaimed as he shut the door right in front of your face. Closing your eyes, you pressed your face to the door and sighed. You wanted to bang the door until he opened and explain Steve that all you did was your job. But you didn’t, instead you went to your own room next door and sulked.

You and Steve were on a mission to take down a hydra base. For the first few days, all you both did was map out the building. Once sure enough of your plans, you had finally breached it this morning.

In the beginning everything was just as expected. But then during the fight, you had spotted a man aiming his gun at an unaware Steve and like the love crazed woman you were, you shielded Steve with your own body.

Gladly Steve realised it before the damage was done and quickly held the shield in front of your both, deflecting the bullet. At your stunt, he had clenched his jaw and given an angry glare to you and had resumed fighting.

You had thought that was the extent of his anger at your carelessness, but apparently you were wrong. Steve hadn’t spoken a word to you after that. He had been silent throughout the entire ride to the hotel.

As he kept on fuming with unspoken anger, you tried your best to mend the situation by repeatedly calling out his name and talking about random things to yourself.

You actually didn’t know why he was angry. Agreed it was a stupid decision to be standing in front of a bullet, but you did it to save your teammate, at least that’s what you justified it with.

The truth was you were hopelessly in love with Steve Rogers. Soon after you had joined the avengers, you and Steve had become best friends. You hadn’t even planned on befriending him, forget about falling in love.

But with all his charm and naivety it was impossible not to fall for him. Not to mention his godly body. With the way he sometimes got flustered in front of you, you thought he felt something for you too, but you canceled it down by calling it wishful thinking.

While you both shared all your problems and worries with each other, you kept your emotions under wraps.

When you had seen the man aim his gun at Steve, your heart had literally stopped beating. The thought of living in a world without Steve in it was much more harrowing than your own death. So you did what you had to.

But now his silence was speaking louder than his words. It wouldn’t have felt this bad if he had scolded you or given you one of his long boring lectures, but this tactic of not talking with you was hurting you much worse.

The entire time you stripped out of your Kevlar suit and bathed, your mind was occupied by Steve’s silence. No matter how much you thought, you still couldn’t understand what had made him so mad.

After all, signing up with the avengers meant you would get into fights and get injured. The mantle of being an avenger came with a few broken bones.

And you weren’t the first to make such risky decisions during a mission, there had been many before you and there would be many after. So what was all this fuss about?

As you were pacing around your room, chewing your bottom lip, you stopped suddenly and took in a sharp breath. You couldn’t go back with this mess. Whatever it was, you had to sort it out and for that you needed to talk.

Deciding that it was now or never, you stepped out of your room and stood in front of Steve’s. You placed your ear on the door to check for any activity but there was none. You hoped to god he hadn’t fallen asleep.

Gathering all the strength you had, you knocked on the door, once, twice... thrice. But there was still no response. This had your mental alarms ringing. Steve sure wouldn’t ignore you this much, what if he was in danger?

Thinking of the worst case scenario, you crouched down and started picking the lock with your hair pin. As you opened the door and entered the room, you finally heard the noise of cascading water.

You huffed out a breath of relief. All this time he was just taking a shower and you thought about the possibilities of him getting murdered; you sure were an over thinker.

You didn’t know why but your feet weren’t retreating from the room. The sane part of your brain was telling you to go and come back later. And yet you stood awkwardly straight in the middle of his room.

You didn’t know how it happened, you swear to god didn’t realise. But all of a sudden you were standing in front of the bathroom door. You were burning with warmth from head to toe and you could listen to your heart beat in your ear.

Placing one hand on the door and the other on the knob, you tried to think for a moment. But somehow, your brain couldn’t process anything, except Steve. You slowly turned the knob and the door creaked open.

If Steve asked you what you were doing, which he definitely was going to, you would answer that you were sleepwalking or maybe you were possessed by a horny ghost. You wondered which one was more plausible.

The sight which greeted you was better than any you had ever seen. Steve was standing with his broad back facing you, glistening under the trickling water droplets.

His muscled expanse was stretched out magnificently under the shower, the water making rivulets into the grooves of his chiseled back. He straightened visibly under your watchful eye as he became aware of your entrance.

You waited for his scolding as you nibbled your bottom lip. You waited for him to tell you how immoral and indecent this was. You waited for him to fire you on the spot.

But nothing came from his side except strained breaths. It was as if he was doing some physical exertion by standing ramrod straight. As he tensed, his back muscles flexed even more and you wanted nothing more than to lick up the water drops.

Your mouth had fallen open and you were already panting and his body wasn’t the only thing wet. Seeing that he was neither bursting with anger nor reprimanding you for your actions, you decided to let your eyes wander further.

Your body lit itself on fire the moment you eyed his sculpted glutes. It was definitely, undoubtedly America’s ass. God, the things you wanted to do to him and the things you’d let him do to you.

You looked up to see Steve had turned his head a little and was staring at you through the corner of his eye. Taking that as a hint, you walked further until you were inside the shower.

The water seeped through your clothes as you stood right behind Steve. You were so close that the only thing in front of your eyes was his broad back. Yet he didn’t turn to face you.

Your hand shivered despite the warm water as you touched his back. That simple contact passed an electric current through Steve and you could hear his audible gasp.

Keeping one hand on his back, you moved your dominant hand further onto his chest. After palming his abs for sometime, you snaked your hand further down.

But before you could reach your destination, a strong hand curled around your wrist, limiting your movements. “Don’t.” It was the first word he had said to you after the mission.

His voice was hoarse and deep and you wondered if it was possible for you to come just with his voice. “But what if I want to?” You really were possessed, because you definitely didn’t have this much confidence.

Unexpectedly, your defiance worked and he loosened his hold, though he didn’t remove his hand. When you finally touched his warm cock, which was standing hard proudly, you moaned and buried your face into his back.

“Fuck.” Steve cursed as you rubbed him. You had heard him cursing a few times before, but listening to it now just melted you into a puddle. You pressed your face further into his back as you kept palming him, his hand was still on your wrist as a reminder, though he wasn’t guiding your movements.

You wondered how he would fit inside you, as you were barely able to curl your hand around his massive length. One second you were jerking him off and the next you were pinned to the wall, facing him. You blinked rapidly to steady your senses.

The hand he had used to pull you forward was now held against the wall and you had placed the other on his chest. His entire body was blushing hard and his face was just as flustered as yours.

Steve placed his hand gently on your cheek, a stark contrast to his previous actions. He bent down and pressed a soft kiss to your lips as first but he didn’t go any further.

Looking up at him through hooded eyes, you stared at him in confusion. Noticing the question on his face, you realised he was asking for permission. Nodding your head rapidly, you replied with a breathy yes.

That’s all it took for him to smash his face into yours. His kiss wasn’t a perfect or a practiced one, but what he lacked in experience, he made it up with his passion and edge.

You were actually tongue fucking each other and you didn’t regret a moment. You were close to eating each other’s faces off when you finally parted.

You panted and arched your back, exposing your neck as he sucked down your jaw to your neck. Without giving you a moment to gather yourself, he tore your tank top right through the middle.

And the only thing your mushy brain capable of saying was, “Holy shit.” It was the hottest thing you had ever seen. The way his arms flexed as he tore the fabric made you gush.

He discarded the now useless tank top carelessly on the floor and bent down to suck your nipples. You were about to go to sleep and thus weren’t wearing any bra. You let out an unholy moan at the sensation and the sight of him suckling you.

You carded your hands through his hair only for him to take your hands and pin them back to the wall. “Oh Steve.” As you moaned his name, he looked up at you through his lustrous blue eyes.

All of a sudden he let go of your hands and nipple and as you whimpered in dissatisfaction, he quickly tugged your pants down. He practically growled at the sight of you naked in front of him.

He placed his hands on your ass as he knead it while simultaneously kissing you stupid. He shifted his hands from your ass to your thighs and in one swift motion picked you up.

You hadn’t ever been picked up by anyone before and for once you were glad that Steve had taken the serum. He carried you out of the shower and into the room.

You were going to complain about how you were going to ruin the carpet with water when he all but gently threw you into the bed, face down.

You gathered yourself on your hands and knees just as he positioned himself behind you. Steve didn’t know what got into him when he saw your ass perched up in the air, but he went absolutely feral.

He wanted to talk and tell you things, but currently he was incapable of doing anything but devour you. He placed his huge palms on your ass and started kneading, but the thing he did next, took you by absolute surprise.

He spanked your ass, hard. At the contact you let out a loud surprised shriek. You had no idea captain America was a kinky little shit, not that you were complaining.

While you were turned on beyond your senses, Steve mistook your surprise for pain. He snapped out of whatever haze had taken over him, “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

You looked back at Steve with confusion. “God. No. Steve, you didn’t hurt me. I liked it.” You said with such shyness as if you hadn’t just given him a handjob moments ago.

“Do more.” You asked and he delivered. Steve understood that you wanted it rough, and who was he to deny. He spanked your ass thrice more, alternating the cheek, in quick succession, only to rub it gently later.

He kept up with the contrast of quick spanks and gentle kneads until you sobbed with wrecked pleasure and delightful pain.

When you came back from your blissful high, you realised Steve was pressing soft kisses to your back. You strained your neck at an odd angle and pulled Steve in for a kiss.

It was gentle and filled with adoration and love, a great disparity to what just happened. Steve was rutting against your ass as he deepened the kiss.

Parting from the kiss, he took hold of his cock and jerked it a few times before rubbing himself against your drenched folds. You were already so dripping that you didn’t need any extra stimulation.

Finally he pushed in the tip and you moaned like in heat at the sweet pressure. Gladly he gave you a moment before pushing slowly further, inch by inch.

No matter how wet, or in a sex haze you were, you both knew he wasn’t easy to take. All the while, Steve was muttering praises and soft words to you.

When he finally bottomed out, you both moaned out with pleasure. After giving you some time to adjust, he pulled back only to push back in with a measured but powerful thrust.

“Oh fuck!” Overcome with pleasure, you slapped a hand on the headboard to hold yourself steady while you clutched Steve’s ass with the other to hold him as close to you as possible.

He began with slow yet hard thrusts but soon he changed rhythm and started fucking you in earnest. The headboard rattled against the wall as Steve held your shoulder with one hand and supported you both with another placed firmly on the bed.

You had got a hundred dreams about Steve railing the shit out of you. But nothing matched the actual thing.

Steve experimentally wove his fingers through your hair and when you let out something between a moan and a demand for more, he clutched and pulled it tightly making your eyes roll back with euphoria.

“Stevveee, I... Stevie, I’m close,,... oh fuck!” The only thing you could do was moan wantonly and take everything Steve gave you.

Just as Steve felt your walls quivering, he pulled out. He groaned with frustration as you were so so close. But before you could formate any words, he flipped you around.

“I want to watch you as you come for me.” He said bending down to press a kiss. This time, he entered you in one swift motion.

Curling a hand around his neck, you held the head board with other as you arched into his touch. He was grunting loudly and his voice was having more effect than it should have on you.

You were close, so very close, but you needed more, something more. “Steve, choke me.” You whimpered. Steve faltered for a moment before realising what you had said.

When Steve placed his hand delicately on your throat, which you had exposed to him, you knew you were going to have the best orgasm of your life.

Steve squeezed your throat, and at that very second, you orgasmed like never before. Your toes curled and legs shook uncontrollably as you babbled nonsense.

You felt as if you saw the deepest crevices of the universe and snorted the most powerful drug as white pleasure enveloped you.

Steve, in spite of his super soldier stamina, gave in to pleasure as your walls hugged him tight. With a shout, he came deep within you.

After the pleasure faded and the fatigue had set in, you both laid limply within a tangle of limbs and in each other’s embrace.

“Steve.” You croaked as he kept on prepping you with kisses. He only hummed in response. “I love you.” At that the kisses stopped.

You worried if this was the end of everything, but when you looked up in his eyes, you knew it was just the beginning. His eyes were filled with love.

“I love you too.” He smashed your lips once again and you responded just as enthusiastically. “I can’t think of living without you. You mean everything to me.

When I saw you in front of the gun, I was so scared. I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to save you.” You caressed his face as you said, “But you did. And I know you always will Steve.”

“That I will.” You knew that Steve would keep you safe. You knew that in his warm embrace, nothing in this world would touch you.

“Steve, if you ever get mad at me, talk to me, scold me, give me on of your boring lectures if you want, but please don’t stop talking to me.”

“If ignoring you is going to lead to this, then I’ll probably give you the silent treatment.” He chuckled as you punched him playfully.

You couldn’t believe you were in love with this goof, or that he was just as in love with you.

[storiesforallfandoms]

how they react when you walk in covered in blood and carrying a gun ~ mcu

request?: no

warnings: swearing, mentions of guns and violence

masterlist (one, two)

*only using the og six plus bucky, wanda and loki because there’s way too many marvel characters rn; also based off of a tiktok by anniedvorak!*

BRUCE BANNER/HULK:

The last person you expected to see when you entered Thor’s room on Sakaar with the intentions of saving him was your boyfriend, Bruce. He had been lost for so long, you had let your heart let go of him. But there he was, stood with a cloth wrapped around his waist after having turned back from the Hulk.

You were tempted to walk back out. This wasn’t exactly how you wanted Bruce to see you - an alien gun in hand and blood splattered over your face and clothes. But it was too late, he was already looking at you with wide eyes.

“(Y/N),” he said, turning to approach you but stopping halfway. You weren’t sure if he had stopped because of the blood or because he was still technically naked. “What are you...what did you...?”

“I’m trying to save Thor,” you responded. “Listen, we don’t have much time. I can explain everything once all of us are off of this planet. Put some pants on, we’re getting out of here.”

~~~~~~

BUCKY BARNES/THE WINTER SOLDIER:

You walked in after a surprise run in with the Flag Smashers. Bucky already looked about ready to kill someone, but when you walked through the door of Zemo’s apartment, blood covering your face and your gun clutched tightly in your hand, his face turned red with anger.

“What the hell happened to you?” Sam asked.

“Flag Smashers,” you breathed in response.

“I’m gonna fucking kill them,” Bucky hissed, abandoning his drink on the counter and making his way to the door.

You put a hand up to stop him. “I think that ship has sailed. This isn’t all my blood.”

Bucky cupped your face in his hands, his face softening as he looked at you. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” you insisted. “I just need a shower, and maybe a visit to a hospital or something. They hit me pretty hard, I think I have some bruised ribs or something.”

He kissed your forehead and took your gun from your still shaking hands. Once it was safely put aside, he brought you into the bathroom to help you bathe and to start dressing your wounds.

~~~~~~

CLINT BARTON/HAWEYE:

You were extremely lucky that Clint worked with someone like Natasha regularly, or else he would’ve been much more concerned when you arrived home from work covered in blood and still carrying you gun. He barley looked up from the TV as you walked through the door, immediately racing for your bedroom so you could shower and change.

“Hard day at work?” he called as you passed by.

“That last target they sent me after put up a hell of a fight,” you responded. “By the time I finally got him, I realized how late it was and rushed home immediately. I’m glad S.H.I.E.L.D issues those SUVs with the tinted windows or else I definitely would’ve been pulled over for suspicious activity.”

Clint chuckled and rose from his seat. He walked into your shared bedroom as you were pulling off you bloodstained clothes and throwing them into a pile to be tossed out eventually. His eyes raked over your body as you looked up at him.

“Red looks good on you,” he said, a teasing smirk pulling at his lips.

“That’s gross,” you teased. “You’re gross. Just for that, you can’t shower with me.”

He groaned as you walked into the bathroom and locked the door before he could follow you in. 

~~~~~~

LOKI:

The sly smirk on Loki’s face was enough to almost rid you of the annoyance you felt after what you just had to do. Almost.

You walked up to the panel that controlled his glass cage. You could’ve easily figured out how to deal with it, but instead you shot the control panel. Sparks flew from it before Loki’s prison sprung open.

“Seems like a bit of overkill,” he commented.

“Shut it,” you hissed. “You told me it was going to be easy to break you out. You failed to mention the entire team of guards that were watching this room, and, oh yeah, the team of super humans that were assembled to face you?!”

Loki walked free of his cage, taking a dramatic deep breath before smiling to himself. “Well, doesn’t seem like you had an issue with them, as I knew you wouldn’t.”

He approached you, arms out as if he were going to hug you and try to kiss you. You poked his stomach with the barrel of your gun, glaring up at him.

“Come one step closer and we see how much damage a mortal weapon can do to a God.”

Loki put his hands on your shoulders, keeping you a fair distance away to heed your warning. “I’m sorry for not giving you a proper warning. Thank you for freeing me, I do appreciate it.”

You allowed yourself to relax against his touch and smiled a little. “You’re welcome.”

“Now, let’s get out of here, shall we?”

“You’re doing all the work this time.”

~~~~~~

NATASHA ROMANOFF/BLACK WIDOW:

It probably wasn’t a good idea, but you didn’t know where else to go. Natasha had always warned you about the Red Room, and you were so stupid to not listen to her.

Now you were stood on her doorstep, covered in blood that wasn’t yours, your gun dangling from your hand as you wished to drop it but also too scared to let it go. It was what Natasha looked at first when she opened the door - the gun, then to your blood covered face.

“Put the gun down,” she said, her voice calmer than you expected.

You gratefully allowed her to take it from your hand as you felt tears starting to well in your eyes. She pulled you in for a hug, where you started to sob on her shoulder. She took a quick look around to make sure you weren’t followed before bringing you into her house.

“Go get cleaned up,” she told you. “We’ll figure out your next step together.”

~~~~~~

STEVE ROGERS/CAPTAIN AMERICA:

You showed up to Sam’s shortly after Steve had brought Natasha. You could barley keep yourself up, the fight had taken everything out of you. You were sure Sam was going to turn you away - you were a stranger showing up on his doorstep covered in blood with a gun in your hand. You were pleasantly shocked when he stepped aside and told you where to find Steve.

Poor Steve. He was already trying to help Natasha, who had been in the same situation as you just with a lot less blood. She was resting when you walked in, dazed and just wanting to also rest.

He was up in seconds, reaching out to wrap you in his arms despite the blood covering you.

“The Winter Soldier is one mean fucker,” you breathed, resting your head against Steve’s chest. “I think he finally got wore out and ran off. Unfortunately, I was wore out about an hour before he was, but I kept going.”

“You should’ve given up long ago, honey,” he said.

“I’m not a pussy,” you said with a slight laugh. “Although I am starting to succumb to the pain.”

He picked you up into his arms and carried you to the bathroom where he helped you to rinse the blood off of your body so you could finally rest.

~~~~~~

THOR:

It was a side of you that Thor had never seen before. He had lost you during the battle in Sokovia and was expecting the worst when he couldn’t get you over the coms. When you showed back up to jet, blood covering your tired looking face, he was overjoyed to see you were alright, but also a little shocked by your appearance.

“Those fuckers really thought they had me,” you said, a half laugh bubbling on your lips. “They were a little shocked when I got the upper hand on them. Even more shocked when I shot them dead.”

“I was worried for you, (Y/N),” Thor said, cupping your face in his hands as he approached you. “I truly thought they had taken you from me.”

You smirked up at him. “You really have no faith in me at all them, do you? Or you just underestimate me. I’m a little offended on both accounts, though.”

Thor smiled back at you. “Of course, I would never doubt you. Just a bit of fear is all.”

“When you two are done being gross,” came Tony’s voice from inside the jet, “we’d like to get back to the tower. I think (Y/N) needs a shower and a fresh change of clothes more than anything.”

~~~~~~

TONY STARK/IRON MAN:

“Miss (Y/L/N) incoming Mr. Stark.”

“Tell her to come back at another time, J.A.R.V.I.S, I’m busy right now.”

“I don’t think it can wait, sir.”

Tony looked up to see you walking through the door to his lab, your body trembling as you clutched the gun tightly in your hand. There was a splatter of blood over your shirt and some on your face. You looked up at him, looking like a helpless child.

He quickly walked over to you, his hand automatically reaching for the gun. You gladly let him take it, feeling like a weight had been lifted the moment the weapon was out of your hands.

“What happened?” he asked.

“I-I was attacked at-at home,” you stuttered. “I don’t know how they got in, I don’t know who they were. I walked into my house and was blindsided by these two men trying to attack me. I got the gun out of the hands of one of them and I...I...”

Your hands moved to mimic the action of shooting your attackers, but you couldn’t actually bring yourself to say you had done it. You didn’t want to admit to having shot anyone, even if it was in self defense.

Tony placed the gun aside and took you into his arms. You stopped fighting against the lump that had formed in your throat and began to sob into his chest. He ran a hand through your hair, calming you down.

“It’s okay,” he said, soothingly. “It’s alright. I got you now. I won’t let anyone else try to hurt you.”

~~~~~~

WANDA MAXIMOFF/SCARLETT WITCH:

You didn’t think of Tommy and Billy. You didn’t think about the perfect neighborhood Wanda had created. You didn’t even think about Vision, or the version of Vision she had created. Your only thoughts were getting to Wanda before Hayward and his people could.

She was horrified when she opened the door. Of course she was; you were stood at her doorstep, a ghost from the life she wanted to forget, holding a gun with blood splattered on your face.

“You have to get out of here,” you said before she could speak. “You have to break down that boarder and you need to get out of here now.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” she said, her voice still in its sitcom mode. “Please leave before I call the police.”

You grabbed hold of her shoulders before she could walk away, startling her.

“Wanda, you have to listen to me. You know what’s happening here because you are controlling it all. I know that, everyone outside the Hex knows that. Including the S.W.O.R.D director Hayward, who is trying to break through your barrier right now to kill you. I know you don’t want to lose this perfect life you’ve made, but your are in real danger. You need to get out of here.”

It seemed like she was understanding. A hurt look passed over her face as she turned to look into the house where her perfect family was likely residing. She took a deep breath and turned back to you.

“Let’s go.”

[winchest09]

Miscommunication - Chapter Eight

Pairing: Dean Winchester x British!Reader

Word Count: 2589

Summary: After moving to America, British hunter Y/N never expected her life to unfold the way it has. She never anticipated finding two brothers, who would quickly become her found family and she certainly never envisioned falling in love with one of them. Following her attempt to shield her heart, she failed to protect her body, leading her straight back to the Winchesters. So when the language barrier deepens her connection with a certain green eyed hunter, will she succumb to her deepest feelings or keep them at bay?

Rating: 18+

Warnings: Mentions of suicide, description of death, mentions of murder, mentions of domestic violence, swearing, violence, lil angry Dean.  

A/N:  Thanks so much for reading this guys, your comments really make my day and I adore them. Sorry its a few hours late! Hope you enjoy number 8! Massive thank you to my darling betas on this. @deanwanddamons​​​​ & @cockslut-padalecki​​​​, I’d be lost without you both!  Your encouragement gets me through daily! I love youssss! __________________________

Get five weeks ahead on Patreon! __________________________ Miscommunication Masterlist || Main Masterlist || Let me know your thoughts!

Y/N was still pacing the length of their hotel room as her mind reeled with all of her thoughts. She knew how these cases went if left untouched, even the most innocent of spirits can turn into something dark and sinister when left alone with their unfinished business for too long. Hilary was already showing signs of that, with the impaling of the couple that were committing adultery and it was quickly turning into a very treacherous situation.

“But why not go after Steven himself? He caused all this,” Dean asked, pulling the huntress from her thoughts and essentially stopping her from wearing a hole in the carpet.

“Maybe she’s breaking him down, ruining his business, taunting him.” She rubbed at her forehead as she watched the older Winchester get off the bed. “All I know is that ultimately, he’s going to end up dead and to be honest, I can’t say I blame her.”

“But there have been other innocent victims in this,” Dean argued, his voice slightly louder than it had been previously and his tone certainly more firm. “She’s dangerous.”

“I know, Dean, I know,” she returned agitated, slapping her arms to her sides before gesturing to the door. “But clearly so is Steven!”

“Shit, Sam,” he voiced, moving frantically across the room in search of his firearm. Once found, he checked the ammo cartridge before sliding it back in place, ensuring the safety was off and the gun was cocked. “We’re putting an end to this, tonight.”

“We still don’t know what she’s attached to!” Y/N disputed, worried that he was going to get himself hurt when they still did not have all of the answers.

That’s when the green eyed Winchester took a beat to look at the pile of Hilary’s belongings they had found that were strewn about the bed. “Then we burn it all and hope for the best.”

“Dean I--” she stammered, wanting to present another argument but she was cut off immediately.

“--we burn it all,” he asserted, his voice deep and rough as he held her stare. After a few seconds had passed, he moved to grab the medium sized metal garbage can that was placed by the desk Sam had been using, forcibly slamming it down next to ghosts possessions. “Now!”

“And what about Sam? We need to see if he’s okay!” She shot back, already taking steps towards the exit of the room when Dean stopped her, his large hand wrapping around the top of her arm which halted her movement.

“I’ll go get my brother,” he informed her, his eyes now wearing a softer look than they had been a moment ago,  “If that creepy son of a bitch has laid a single finger on him I swear…”

“Go. Make sure he’s okay. I’ll sort all this,” she returned gently, trying hard to concentrate on the matter at hand and not the hunter's palm that was still touching her, his thumb moving back and forth.

With that, he nodded, checking his gun one more time before cautiously leaving the room in search of his younger sibling. When she heard the door click, she let out a breath she wasn’t aware that she was holding. With her fingers running through her hair, she couldn’t help but scratch at her scalp as she turned to look at all of the items that had once belonged to the spirit that was haunting this place. Truth was, she actually felt for Hilary, and even though she was on a bloody rampage, it was only a result of the absolute torture she had been subjected to.

Still, Dean had a point and even though a victim herself, she had still begun to take innocent lives. With that in mind, Y/N moved forward and began to place everything slowing inside of the metal bin. Piece by piece she dropped them slowly from her hand, studying every little trinket that was passing her touch. She shook her head in sadness when she saw photos of Steven and his wife, studying the still snapshot of time. His arm would always be wrapped around her middle, and there were white blotches showing around his fingertips and nails, showing that he was holding onto her tightly. Bastard.

The huntress forcibly threw them into the metal container with a scoff, and everything else followed until her hands landed on the journal she had been reading. There was a hesitation, her thumbs going back and forth over the cover as she lost herself to her own thoughts. Steven was a murderer, his wife’s death had been wrongly ruled and he needed to be brought to justice. This was the only evidence that was left that he was behind the loss of her life. If she burned this…

But then how long would it take for the police to charge him? Would they take this evidence seriously or would they just think they were the lost of words of a dead woman? Dean’s voice was playing on repeat in her head, and she knew that she needed to burn the lot just like he had instructed. It was for the best, it was the only solution to this problem, even if it meant Hilary not getting the justice she was so desperately after.

With that thought solidifying in her mind, she let go of the diary and placed it onto the bed next to the garbage can full of the other items. She was going to burn it, but not yet. There was the tiniest glimmer of hope inside of her that maybe Hilary could be attached to something else instead. If she was, then Steven could get his just desserts and his wife could finally be at peace. Maybe.

With the smallest hesitation, she turned to grab for her duffle, looking to locate the salt and lighter fluid that was always tucked away into one of the pockets for situations like this. Once she found what she was after, she poured both of the ingredients into the container and then quickly reached for the box of matches. Pulling out a couple of the small sticks, she struck their red heads against the side of the box, igniting a flame. Dropping them, she stood back as the fire took hold, a blaze now beginning to roar. Her eyes glanced at the lights in the room; not a flicker. Usually, when you destroy the property of a spirit, they are called to protect it and in this case, that was not happening.

Y/N’s stare then fell to the journal and she just knew in her gut that it was the item that was binding the soul to this building. Sucking in a sharp breath, she picked up the book once more before pulling out her phone and opening the camera app. She took photos of the pages where it was stated that Steven had been hitting her, abusing her. It wasn’t much and it certainly wasn’t the real thing but that was all she could do in hopes of bringing the vile bastard to justice.

Once her cell was slid back into her pocket, the huntress clutched the diary in one hand before she began to bring it closer to the growing flames, their warmth already licking at her skin. It was then that the room grew cold, her breaths leaving her in a small cloud. Shit.

Turning around swiftly, she was met with the haunting image of Hilary. Her blonde hair still dirty, her clothes still stained with soil but this time she had angled her head so the injury to her neck was clear. Y/N couldn’t help but look at it before her gaze travelled back to the ghosts terrifying stare.

“STOP!” She screamed, throwing out a hand which forcibly pushed the huntress off her feet and against the wall,  the journal falling to the floor as the impact echoed loud in the room. “I told you to s-stay away!”

“I know what he did to you,” Y/N forced out, as her feet dangled inches off the floor, the concrete behind her cold on her back as Hilary held her in place. “How he treated you.”

“S-STOP!” The ghost yelled, a snarl clear on her lips before she threw her victim across the room, hitting another wall in force which only caused the huntress to yelp in pain.

Through her crumpled state, Y/N angled her head to the side and winced due to the sharp wave of discomfort that overtook her. But it was then that she noticed Hilary’s journal laying open on the floor, just a few metres in front of her. She couldn’t help but chastise herself for her hesitation. If she had just burned the damn book from the start, she might not be hunched over, bruised and winded. She had to destroy it; she might lose her life otherwise.

Taking a staggered inhale, the huntress quickly got to her feet and rushed to reach out for the remaining item that needed to be burned but the spirit got to her first. With all the power Hilary had, she sent Y/N flying through the air, her body slamming against the wood of the hotel room’s door. It was of no use as there was no way that the ghost was ever going to let her anywhere near that journal so the next best thing to do was force her into a situation where she had to face her past, hoping that would cause the crossover.

Holding tightly to her stomach, she pulled fastly on the handle of the door with her free hand before she began to hastily move down the corridor in search for a lot of salt or something that was made of iron. She kept turning her head to look over her shoulder, her fingers sliding into her pocket to fish out her cell once more to call Dean .She had to let him know that Hilary was here and she was pissed.

Bringing the device to her ear after pressing the call button on his name, she started to try all the doors that were along the hallway, hoping that one of them would have a fireplace and an iron poker. It was a long shot but as the hotel was a little older, it could also be a possibility. It didn’t take him long to answer, and she didn’t even give him the opportunity to say hello.

“Have you found Sam?” She panicked, shaking one of the wooden barriers as it refused to open.

“Yeah,” Dean replied, his tone a mix between relief and anger. “He’s fine but the same can’t be said for sicko Steven.”

With that statement, she stopped her movements, her eyes wide with dread. “Please tell me you’ve not killed him?!”

“Y/N, the bastard had my brother tied up,” he scoffed, before his tone became soft yet alert.  “What’s going on, sweetheart?”

He had sensed there was something wrong and given her breathing was uneven and she was frantically searching for anything to protect herself with, she wasn’t surprised.

“Dean, I need him,” she stated clearly, as she noticed a store room closet at the end of the corridor. That had got to have something, right?

“Really?” The older Winchester replied, his voice monotone and strained. It only caused her to roll her eyes as she raced towards her target

“Not like that y--” Her sentence was cut off by the clouds of mist that were passing her lips. Hilary was close. “Shit!”

“Y/N?” Dean asked concerned, but she couldn’t answer. With one hand still clutching tightly around her phone, she hurriedly travelled the short distance to the storage closet and felt a small wave of relief flood her veins when it was open. Without hesitation, she began to look around the room for any salt or iron, she just needed something to aid her fight until the Winchesters could reach her. “Y/N!? Come on, talk to me!”

“Sorry. It’s Hilary, she’s not exactly happy,” she stressed as she continued to look around but her movements were halted when she heard the door behind her slam. The huntress rushed towards it and tried to jiggle the handle but it was of no use. She was trapped.

“Where are you right now!?” Dean questioned urgently, and she could already hear him whispering to Sam.

“Store cupboard, first floor, she’s locked me in, De,” she worried, one hand now coming up to her forehead as she tried to desperately come up with an impromptu plan but she could see nothing that would be of aid.

“Sweetheart, I’m on the first floor right now and the door to the store cupboard is wide open,” he informed her and Y/N could only crease her brow at his words. That was impossible.

“What?” She panted, her words sounding more breathy than normal as her heart thudded in her chest. She might have been hunting the supernatural for years but it never failed to get the adrenaline to course through her body. “Dean, that's impossible as that’s where I am.”

“You sure it’s the first?” He repeated, wanting to clarify the information that she had just given to him. In that moment however, the lights had started to flicker in the small space where she was being held prisoner. She had nowhere to run.

“Positive Dean!” She snapped, trying the door once again. “I am most definitely on the 1st level of this building!”

There was a small beat of silence. She couldn’t hear any movement on the other end of the line and she had to check that the call was still connected before she heard his deep voice reply. “Wait, so you’re not in the area where the reception is?”

“NO!” Y/N shouted, watching as the bulb above her struggled to remain lit. “That’s the ground floor, Winchester! If I was on the ground floor, I would say I was on the GROUND FLOOR!”

“This is the first floor, Y/N!” Dean stressed back and she heard his pace quicken, his loud footsteps being picked up through the phone’s mic. “You’re on the second!”

“Dean, now is definitely not the time!” She asserted, pushing herself back from the door and towards the shelves once more. There just had to be something.

“You and your stupid British,” the older Winchester frustratingly returned and even though she was in a highly dangerous situation, possibly moments away from losing her life, that remark caused her to smile.

It was then that her earlier idea came back to her, and she realised that this might be the perfect opportunity to get the best of both worlds. Hilary could move on, and her husband could be condemned for the crimes he had committed.

“Listen to me. You need to bring Steven to her. Now,” she instructed, backing towards a wall as she clutched tighter to her phone, knowing that was her last lifeline.

“Why?” Dean blurted, clearly incredibly confused as to why she would even suggest such a thing.

Before she could reply, however, the air around her dropped in temperature and Hilary flickered into view. Her bloodied and beaten apparition stared straight at her, her lips snarling, her hands twitching and her head angled still slightly to the side. All Y/N could do was be strong, her only weapons were her words, her resilience and her bravery.

“Just trust me.”

——————————————– Chapter Nine  ——————————————– A/N: I hope you truly enjoyed Chapter Eight! I’m sorry, I do love a cliffhanger aha. More chapters are available on patreon right now! Thanks so much for reading! Tag list is open! If you want to be tagged, then let me know HERE :)

Tags will be separate <3

[cazzyvintage]

Try not to forget me

Synopsis: Anon request: Can we have a reader who slept with Zemo when they were younger, they were basically each other’s first times. Reader was brought to the mission and when Sam mentions Zemo she only limits herself to saying that she knows him assuming she knows him from civil war. At some point, Zemo mentions it to Sam and since he can’t contain himself he has to ask reader to be sure. Maybe some smut, like ‘I don’t remember you being this good’

Word count: 8.5k

Author’s note: Welp it took me a while but it's finally here! I hope you guys enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it. I am such a sucker for the trope of seeing someone you once dated years after not seeing them again. Like give me all of that. Also I changed a little bit of the request but not much.

Warnings: Gun shots, SMUT (for mature audiences), Fingering, Vaginal sex, Stripping

Masterlist

(Please check out my master list to see what I will be writing next and if requests are open or closed)

Cross-posted to ao3 under the same username

Fingers fumbled with the clasp, the feeling of lips trailing up your thigh, sweet whispers in the air,

‘My princess, my everything’

His kisses on your neck, the desperation in his voice

‘I need you, all of you’

His fingers dug into your hips, his body moving like waves on top of you.

You call out his name to the night, losing yourself in the passion that consumed you.

Your hand tangled in his hair, tugging roughly which elicited a moan from his lips.

His eyes sparkled as he reached his first climax with you, ‘You’ll always be mine’

You woke up still with the taste of his lips upon your mouth. You felt the ghost of him linger on top of you, clinging to that long-ago memory.

But all things fade with time and the cold reality pulled you from the once pleasant dream drenched in sorrow. Sighing you pulled yourself off the made-up bed on the floor, already grabbing a hair tie to pull the bird’s nest of your hair out of your face. You hop over to where your prosthetic leg laid and strapped it onto your thigh.

Grabbing your phone you notice a few miss call from an old friend, calls you must have slept through. Pressing the number you hold it up to your ear as you wander around the apartment preparing for your day.

On the third ring, he picked up.

“Sam?” you ask

“Y/n! I wasn’t sure if I would hear back from you, it’s been a while”

“Yeah, things have been keeping me busy. It’s not like how it was when we were in the army”

You could hear him chuckle down the line, “It’s strange, I would have thought my time in the army would have been the craziest part of my life, but it’s hard to beat all the stories I have of aliens”

“At least you have stories to tell, what do I have? I served for a few years as a new American citizen, almost died a few times till one day I got shot in the leg”

“I don’t know losing your leg is one hell of a story, but speaking of almost losing your life. You remember that time I was able to pull you away from a landmine and you told me, ‘oh Sam thank you so much, I owe you so much’” Sam says down the line in a squeaky voice

“Since when have I ever spoken like that Sam? And why do I have a feeling I’m not going to like where this is going”

“Well that’s because it is time for me to cash in that favour”

That’s how you found yourself arriving at an airport, searching around to find Sam. As you walked around the corner you could make out what seemed to be three figures in the distance. As you got nearer one of them noticed you, and started waving exaggeratingly making you chuckle.

You finally reach him as Sam pulls you into a firm hug. “It’s good to see you again y/n,” he says as you pull away.

“Yes, after all these years of avoiding me” you quip making him laugh

“You know I’d never avoid you! It’s you who has always found an excuse to get out of meeting up with old friends”

“Well I’m here now”

“Speaking of old friends, let me introduce to you this man, 106 years old, dermatologists hate him”

The man Sam referred to now stepped forward, holding out his hand, “Hi, I’m Bucky” he says, smiling slightly as you shake his hand.

“Y/n, you look good for your age”

“He moisturises” Sam buts in making Bucky send him a look, “It’s complicated” he mutters and you nod.

“I met Steve once, I understand,” you tell him, making his eyes light up at the mention of his old friend.

“Super soldier serum, the ability to be almost immortal, another reason as to why we have all gathered here to prevent it”

A shiver ran through your spine as you heard that long ago accent which you had removed from your voice. You focus on the man behind Sam, someone you should have noticed when you first appeared.

It had been over twenty years since you had last seen him yet you could still recognise the way his lips twitched up at the sides but dipped in the middle, the softness of his warm brown eyes, and the slight angular twist his eyebrows had. His hair was more well kept than when you had last seen him. Then he was still going through his rebellious phase, letting his hair grow unkempt but now he had a sense of refinement about him. He knew he was ageing like fine wine and now instead of trying to rebel from the prestigious life he had like when you knew him, he lavished in it, enjoying the money that was of so easy access to him and spent it on all the finer luxuries of life.

“Y/n, this is Zemo. You might remember seeing him on the news, he’s the one who framed Bucky”

You knew him more than that, more than any of them could ever know him. The dream from this morning swarmed your thoughts again, taunting you as if your brain knew what was to come.

Sokovia had been your home country, a place you had longed to forget, leave dead. Zemo, Helmut, was your childhood friend. You couldn’t remember the time when you first met as it felt like he had always been in your life. Everything you two did, you did together. Attending the same schools, going around to each other’s houses, exploring the wildness together. You two were closer than siblings. Your family had nowhere as near the same money as Zemo’s family had, yet that didn’t seem to matter, at least not when you were children. It was no surprise to people when eventually you two started dating. There had been bets on how long it would take for Zemo to gather the courage to ask you out. You and Zemo had been each other’s firsts, first partner, first kiss, first making love, which is where your dream had come from. It was cringy to say it but you felt like you loved him with every inch of your soul, and you knew Zemo was just as dedicated to you.

That’s why the break-up was so messy.

You were the one who called it. You had to. Zemo might have been blind to what it meant to be a Baron at that time but you weren’t. His parents allowed him to have his little indulges, allowed you two to be friends, to date. But at the end of the day, he would always be from the higher class and your family from the lower class. They would of never let you two marry so you had to call off the relationship before you got too deep, to save yourself some pain. You’d hoped that you two could still be friends, though it would have hurt, you still wanted to be around him but that was never meant to be.

At first, he didn’t believe you, he laughed it off as a good joke till he realised you were being serious. Then was the confusion, he wouldn’t let you leave. He needed to know what he did wrong, what could have happened for you to want to break up with him. Then was the obsession. He wouldn’t leave you alone, turning up to your house every day to beg for another chance, following you around trying to pick the relationship back up, threatening any guy that went near you. Then the heartbreak when he finally accepted it was over. He didn’t leave his house for months, you heard rumours he drank himself to sleep most nights, till one time at the dead of the night you found him pounding on your door, shouting to let him in. He was pissed and crying, imploring at you to give him a second chance, begging for you to tell him what he could do to get back with you. He would do anything, give you all his money, abandon his family and run away with you. You helped him back home and told him to leave you alone. And to give it to him he did because then came the anger. You would see him outside and he would pretend he didn’t even know who you were. You’d walk past and accidentally hit shoulders and he shouted at you to watch where you were going. Soon he would be seen with lots of different women, taking them to all the places he took you, dancing at parties. Whenever you looked over to them they were making out and it pained you deeply for what you had to give up. Eventually, you ran away. You couldn’t keep torturing yourself seeing Zemo move on with someone else while you were still suffering on the inside, not just for losing the boy you love but the person who had been your best friend for as long as you could remember.

You left Sokovia to live in America, completely ridding yourself of your whole past identity. There you decided to enlist in the Army which is where you had met Sam, served with him for a few years till you were forced to retire early due to losing your leg. You checked up on Zemo every once in a while, it wasn’t too hard with the Sokovian news constantly obsessing over him. He married the woman he moved onto, the one you always saw making out with him. You suppose he truly must have loved her because it was your birthday when his son was born. While he celebrated the happiest day of his life you spent the day at the bottom of a bottle drinking away the loneliness. You still remember the moment you found out what had happened to Sokovia. You hadn’t been back there in years but it was still your home, where you had all of your fond memories, now all gone.

You didn’t see anything in the news about Zemo after that, he and his family completely vanished so you had to assume the worst. Till you finally saw him on the news. It was hardly like the boy you once knew. The Zemo you knew was kind, empathetic, caring, beautiful in every way he could be yet the man you saw there was a murderer, cold-hearted, reckless. What had happened to the boy you once knew?

You could make guesses, his family was nowhere in sight and you could only imagine how losing the woman you love and your child could hurt you. You hated imagining all the pain Zemo has gone through.

“Yes, I remember seeing him on the news,” you tell Sam. Both you and Zemo stared at each other, your eyes unwavering.

He knew who you were. He knew from the moment you turned around that corner. As he watched you warmly greet Sam and shake hands with Bucky. He watched the person he never thought he would see again stand right in front of him, not even noticing him.

But now you stood there, staring him down. Both of you almost speaking through your eyes. Would the other one bring up the past? Try to acknowledge all that has happened between you or is that dead, left forgotten. Will you two pretend to have never met before, letting years of memories fade.

Zemo was first to speak.

“I see my reputation isn’t too favourable”

“That’s what you get for blowing up the UN,” you say scowling at him as you cross your arms

Zemo opens his mouth to say something but Sam gets here first, “Y/n served in the Army with me so you better be careful with what you say Zemo”

Zemo’s eyes then flicker back to you tilting his head, like he always used to do, in interest.

“Why is he even here?” you ask, finally pulling your eyes away from him to Sam and Bucky

Sam turns to Bucky with a plastered on a fake smile, “Why don’t you explain Bucky”

Bucky sighs as he glances over to you, “As Sam mentioned to you on the call we are trying to track down this group of super-soldiers called the Flag Smashers. We need Zemo here to help us track down where they got the serum and help us so no one else becomes a super-soldier”

“And you trust him?” you scoff, glaring back to Zemo who just smirked at you

“We have no other choice” Bucky mutters, scowling over at Zemo

“I can assure you, I won’t do anything to betray your trust. For once all of our goals are aligned that it would do us no good to go against each other.”

“I’ll hold judgment till later,” you reply bitterly.

Swifty Zemo swings on the heels of his feet, turning around to start walking away, obviously expecting all of you to follow him. Sighing in annoyance you trail after him.

As you had predicted both you and Zemo were pretending to not know each other, perhaps for the sake of the mission or perhaps for the sake of your well beings. You’re not sure if you could cope even acknowledging the past you two had. He’d been the person you had been closest to, someone you shared all your secrets, all your thoughts and feelings with. Someone who you would have taken a bullet for in the blink of an eye and to suddenly lose all of that, it wrecked you. You had finally managed to build yourself up again, to try and move on and then he comes straight back into your life. It’s as if there is some strange omnipotent god up there and it loved to torment every waking moment of your life.

“So all this time you’ve been rich?” Sam asks and you all catch up with Zemo and see him walking towards what you assumed was his private aeroplane.

“I’m a Baron, Sam, my family was royalty till your friends blew up my country”

There was a slight change of tone for when he said ‘my’ not enough for Sam and Bucky to pay attention to it but enough for you to feel the slight twist in your heart as you thought back to the country that used to be yours, long ago.

As you got closer you observed a man standing by the plane, ready to welcome Zemo aboard and you felt your heart stop for a moment. Oeznik. The man had aged since you last saw him, he had fallen to the tolling of time but he still had those warm, caring eyes.

Memories swept over you of your childhood as you observed him. He has always been Zemo’s assistant, hired by Zemo’s parents when they were much younger. You could remember times when you and Zemo would be running down the corridors, not where you were supposed to be and Oeznik would find you two, not telling you off but smiling at you two, saying how Zemo’s parents were looking for him. He would sneak you two Turkish delights even if it was only an hour before dinner. Anywhere you two wanted to go he would drive you there. Whenever you slept over he would prepare your favourite meals, making sure everything was just how you liked in the room you would stay in. He was almost like another father figure to you and Zemo.

And now there he was, greeting Zemo. Zemo kissed him on the cheeks fondly before heading inside. Sam and Bucky both follow up but you take a moment to turn to look at him.

“Oeznik” you whisper

He smiles warmly down at you, placing his hand on the side of your arm. “It’s good to see you again madam”

You nod your head, unable to say anymore without letting your emotions get the better of you so you choose to head inside.

You could feel his eyes on you as you enter. You glance up to him and you know he knows why you took a little longer to get onto the plane. It was that knowing look in his eye, the slight twinkle of amusement but also sadness.

You frown realising you’d have to take a seat opposite Zemo, Sam and Bucky already choosing to sit on the other side, showing their dislike for him. You freeze for just a moment making Zemo gesture to the seat in front of him, smirking as he tilts his head. You huff, not bothering to hide your displeasure, taking the seat in front of him but refusing to even look at him.

A few minutes later Zemo chuckles as Oeznik brings out two drinks, a glass of champagne which he offers to Zemo, and a glass of rum which he offers to you. You’re favourite drink. After all this time he still remembered.

You kindly thanked Oeznik, taking the glass as you avoid the confused eyes of Sam who was wondering why you got a drink and he didn’t and the eyes of Zemo, which held an emotion you couldn’t quite recognise.

“The food is out but I will see if there is some good food in a gallery,” he tells Zemo and starts to turn away but then Zemo speaks.

“If it doesn’t pass the food test, give it to them,” he says, speaking in sokovian and gesturing to Sam and Bucky.

You weren’t prepared for the surge of pain in your heart as you heard Zemo use the language of your people. Though it had been over twenty years since you last heard it, you could still remember it perfectly.

Oeznik laughs, “It’s good to have you back sir,” he says, then nods to you before leaving again. Zemo smiles at Sam and Bucky, enjoying the notion of how they didn’t know what he said, before his eyes swiftly turn back to you, knowing you know exactly what he said.

He takes a swing of his drink before speaking again, “It’s kind of him to remember your go-to drink” he says in Sokovian.

And there it was. The first acknowledgement of the past between you two. Your eyes burn into his head as you realise just what he was doing. It was a test. He spoke in Sokovian for just you to understand, seeing if you were to take the bait and talk back in Sokovian. He wanted to see if you were willing to acknowledge the past between you two as well.

But Sam and Bucky had no idea where you were from. As far as they knew from your accent you were American and you planned to keep that secret. You weren’t going to play in Zemo’s little game, you refused to take your turn. Instead, ignoring what he had said to stare at the ground.

He waits for a few moments before accepting you weren’t going to reply. Sighing he turns to Sam and Bucky.

“You don’t know what it’s like to be locked in a cell” he starts “Oh, that’s right, you do” he then carries on, taunting them. If he can’t mess with you then he’ll mess with them.

“Why don’t you tell us about where you are going” Sam replies, ignoring Zemo’s attempt at taunting.

Zemo then instead turns to the book in his hand, thumbing through it. “Sorry, I was just fascinated by this. I don’t know what to call it but this part seems to be important. Who is Nakajima?” he asks turning to Bucky

Instantly Bucky was out of his seat, his hand around Zemo’s throat pulling him back as he leans in towards his face.

“If you touch that again, I’ll kill you” he whispers

Zemo nods as Bucky lets him go, letting out a slight breath he had been holding in. Bucky glares as Zemo has he takes his seat again.

“I’m sorry. I understand that list of names. People you’ve wronged as the Winter Soldier.”

“But you’re not sorry” you abruptly say, making all eyes turn to you. “Ever since we’ve sat down you’ve been taunting us, trying to stir up trouble. Soon your annoyance will outweigh any use you have for us”

“I’m sorry if I have caused you any offence, Princess, it is never my intention to upset any of you”

But it was. It fucking was. Because he knew just how much pain that nickname brought to your heart. Princess. That’s what he had always referred to you as when you dated. In his eyes, you were a princess, his princess. You clench your jaw, trying to stop the tears that swelled in your eyes. Something Zemo picked up on and himself felt pained seeing your reaction.

“Don’t call her Princess. Her name is y/n” Sam says, glaring at Zemo.

“My apologies, it was my fault to refer to your girl like that”

Instantly both yours and Sam’s eyes widen at his words.

“We’re not, that’s not-” Sam starts to say, fumbling with his words

“We’re just friends” you but in, glaring at Zemo for you knew why he said that.

“Y-yeah” Sam replies, looking between you and Zemo as you stare at each other. Zemo tilts his head slightly, the edge of his lips twitching up.

“I see”

“Now perhaps you could stop taunting us, Zemo, and answer Sam’s original question about where the hell we are going”

If you had blinked you would have missed it but just for a split second, as his last name fell from your lips, you could see him flinch. These days everyone referred to him by his last name, never his first name. And although in the past you had always called him by his first name, you, like them, were using his last name. That hurt more than he thought it would.

“I’m afraid I can’t say just yet, but all will be relieved in due time’

You just groan, rolling your eyes and then choosing to stare out the window trying to forget all about the man that sat in front of you.

Hoping to alleviate the conversation Sam nods to the book Bucky took back from Zemo.

“I’ve seen that book, it’s Steve’s book for when he came out of the ice. I told him about trouble man. He wrote it in that book. Did you hear it? What did you think?”

“I like 40’s music so…” Bucky grumpily replies

“You didn’t like it!?” Sam exclaims leaning forward

“I liked it”

“It’s a masterpiece James. Complete. Comprehensive. It captures the African American experience” Zemo buts in, speaking with his hands as he looks over to Bucky

Sams’s eyes face moves from looking at Bucky, to looking at Zemo then back to Bucky.

“He’s out of line, but he’s right. It’s great. Everybody likes Marvin Gaye”

Inside your head, you scoff at Zemo as he talked as if he was sophisticated with music, ‘like you didn’t listen to Nirvana all the time’ you thought. From that point you ignored what they were saying, sipping your drink as you stare out the window. Today had taken a complete turn from what you ever could have imagined it would have turned out to be. And little did you know it was about to get a whole lot messier.

-

“No fucking way. You can’t make me do that”

“You have to if you want to blend in for the mission” Zemo explains

“She can blend in, in many other ways, she doesn’t have to pretend to be your partner,” Sam says arguing for you

“They will be suspicious of her though and it could risk the whole mission but if she was my partner they wouldn’t be suspicious”

“He’s right y/n” Bucky adds, “I don’t want to be doing this either but if we want to find out where the super-soldier serum has come from we need to”

Zemo nods to Bucky in thanks and then looks to you, the corner of his lip twitching up in amusement that Bucky was backing him up and seeing your anger.

He was deliberately trying to antagonise you. Making you pretend to be his partner for the mission, was his way to get back at you for the pain you caused him when you broke things off. You didn’t think you could cope with having to pretend to be his partner for it, it would just bring up all the pain of what had been lost between you two, what you had to let go of. But they were right. You had to do it for the sake of the mission. If Bucky could pretend to the winter soldier again for the mission the least you could do was this.

“Are you seriously taking his side Bucky, if she doesn’t want to be that then-” Sam starts to argue but you cut him off.

“It’s okay Sam, Bucky’s right I need to do it”

Sam opens his mouth in surprise and then moves over to stand in front of you, placing his hand on your shoulder. “No you don’t y/n, don’t listen to them”

You place your hand over Sam’s hand on your shoulder, rubbing it slightly. “I’ll be okay with it Sam. It’s not like I’d be dating him”

Your eyes flicker to Zemo who had been glaring at Sam now turned his eyes to you, his lips almost twitching into a frown but he stops them.

“I won’t wear that dress though,” you say, your eyes looking down to the short dress Zemo held in his arms.

He opens his mouth to argue against that as well but you stop him, “No Zemo, I won’t be wearing that, that is final”

He bites back his words, smacking his lips together as he nods, “If that is what you wish”

You weren’t ashamed of your prosthetic leg. It was a reminder to you for all you had given to people. But you weren’t about to walk around Madripoor with it being showed off to everyone. And a part of you wasn’t ready for Zemo to see you with it, though you don’t know why.

You hadn’t been to Madripoor before but it didn’t surprise you that Zemo knew the place well. It looked like the shady place you would find him in. As soon as you stepped out of the car Zemo’s arm wrapped around your waist. It fitted like nothing had changed in the time between. Your face instantly turned to him to tell him to let go but he held his finger up to your lips to stop you, “For appearance y/n, you are after all, for this evening, my partner”

Begrudgingly you accept it and don’t try to move his arm away as you walk together. Sam walks up beside you and as you turn to look at him he rolls his eyes. You chuckle at Sam then felt Zemo’s grip on your waist tighten.

As you walk into the bar Zemo takes a seat on the stool. You glance around but all the other seats had been taken. Smirking Zemo pats his lap, “Hop on princess”

You grasp onto his shoulder, pinching it harshly to cause him some pain as you position yourself on his lap, but he just chuckles at your reaction, his hand instantly going to rest on your tigh which was thankfully covered by your trousers.

“Don’t call me princess” you whisper angrily to him

He leans forward, his lips by your ear as you feel his breath, “We have to make it realistic princess, plus I think that would be the sought of a nickname I would give you if we were dating”

He presses a lip to your cheek as he pulls back from you, chuckling as he sees how your cheeks heat up and the glare you grace him with.

“Hello gentlemen and lady,” the barman says finally coming over to you, “I wasn’t expecting the smiling tiger”

“His plans changed, we have a business to do, with Selby,” Zemo says, trying to take over all conversation so no one gave themselves away.

“And she does as well?” he asks, nodding to you

“Anywhere I go she goes with me” Zemo replies, chuckling as he looks at you with a smile on his lips

“Isn’t that right princess?”

You try your best to push back the anger you felt, instead, forcing a smile as you look back at Zemo, “Of course my love” you tell him then leans forward to place a quick peck on his lips.

As your lips lightly brush against his you could hear the slight hitch in his breath and as you lean your head on his chest you wonder if he could feel how fast your heart was beating in your chest.

It’s just for appearances, that’s all you tell yourself but even though it was brief you could still feel the warmth of his lips on yours, that comforting feeling that you hadn’t felt in so long and it was as if all the buried emotions you had come flooding back. Here you were sitting on his lap, kissing him as if nothing had changed and for a moment you wondered if that could be the case. Could you two go back to what time was like before?

But you couldn’t. Not only was it down to the fact that Zemo was a wanted criminal, but he had moved on from you. He fell in love with another, he married her. Any feelings he had for you were long gone and this was just him messing with you, and you didn’t want to let him know the feelings you still had for him after all this time.

The barman seems to accept your display though, choosing to focus on Sam instead as he makes him his ‘usual’ drink.

Zemo orders you and him a drink which you thankfully take from his hand, hoping to drown your feelings away with the alcohol.

A man comes up behind you and instantly Zemo lifted you off your lap, pushing you behind him as he stands up to face the man.

“Got word from on high, you’re not welcomed here,” he tells Zemo,

“Hm” Zemo replies, nodding as he takes the man’s words, “I have no business with the power broker, but if he insists he can either come talk to me...” he finishes, nodding over to Bucky

“Or bring Selby for a chat”

The man leaves as Bucky looks over to Zemo. As Zemo turns around once again his arm wraps around your waist.

“A power broker, really?”

“Every kingdom needs its king. Let’s just pray we stay under his radar”

“Do you know him?” you ask and Zemo looks down at you amused by your question, “Only by reputation”

“In Madripoor he is judge, jury and executioner”

Zemo’s eyes focus now on another man coming towards him. Turning back around to the bar he speaks to Bucky in Russian just as the man places his hand on Zemo’s shoulder. You all turn around to watch as Bucky grabs the man and starts to attack him. You’d seen violence before but it still made you wince knowing how Bucky didn’t want to do this.

After one particular nasty hit without thinking your hand grasps onto his hand, needing something to hold on to. As soon as you realised what you had done you swiftly try to pull your hand back but Zemo holds onto it tight, refusing to let it go. You could feel his gaze turn to you but you choose to ignore his cocky face and instead focus on Bucky.

You stand out of the way as Bucky slams the man onto the table and Zemo leans forward to let Bucky know not to take it too far. That was your ticket though as then you were being shown the way to see Selby.

The meeting itself wasn’t too bad. Zemo held onto your hand as he pulled you over to sit with him. He talked to Selby while you just sat on his lap. Selby didn’t pay any attention to you, which you were thankful for. Things were going smoothly until Sam’s phone ringed.

That’s how you found yourself running along with Bucky, Sam and Zemo avoiding gunfire. As you ran you heard one gunfire and felt your prosthetic leg move slightly as the bullet went straight through it.

Zemo must have seen what happened as well, but not knowing you had a prosthetic leg, he wrapped his arms suddenly around your legs, picking you up bridal style. He ran off to the side, leaving Bucky and Sam behind as he hid you down an alleyway.

“Zemo let go of me!” you hissed, hitting him in the chest as he stopped running. He instead places you on the ground, growling at you not to move as he starts to check all his pockets in his coats. Instead, you do move, getting up off the floor and he looks at you angrily. “I said don’t move! You’ll injure yourself more”

You lean down and jank up slightly the trouser leg, showing the fake metallic leg underneath.

“I’m fine Zemo! It’s fake. Now we need to go and find Sam and Bucky”

But Zemo was frozen, staring down at your leg in shock. Because at that moment was the realisation for him. All this time he had been teasing you, testing the waters of how far he could push you to admit to the past. Messing around with you as if you were two lovesick teenagers again. But you had both changed, and he was refusing to realise that until now. Because he didn’t want to acknowledge the fact you were no longer the woman he once knew. The one person he knew better than himself and he had still half-believed that was the case until now. You had a fake leg, lost in what he assumed was the army which you and Sam had been in. He didn’t know because the truth was you were almost a stranger to him now, and he hated that. He just wanted things to be the way they once were. That’s what he desperately craved but it couldn’t be.

“Okay,” he simply says and nods, finally pulling his gaze away from your leg and up to you. Following your lead, he chases after you to find out where Sam and Bucky had gone.

-

Sam paced around the main room of Sharon’s house. His mind was occupied with so many thoughts it was hard to concentrate but there was one that stuck out like a splinter in a thumb. What the hell was going on between you and Zemo? He wasn’t stupid he could pick up on something, the looks two you gave each other, the tension in the air, the way you reacted when you first saw him. Sam considered himself your best friend, though you two hadn’t seen each other in ages. So it bugged him how this was obviously something big to you, and he didn’t know what it was.

Zemo sat at the table by the side, quietly drinking some whiskey. Both you and Bucky had decided to retire for the night while Sam decided to stay up just so he could find out the truth.

“You look like you are trying to burn a hole through my head by the way you are staring at me Sam” Zemo says, finally looking up from his glass to Sam who was glaring at him.

“Is something the matter?” he asks

“You and y/n. What’s up with that”

Zemo chuckles, looking back down into his glass, “Ah that”

“I’m her best friend, I know everything about her, apart from this apparently”

Zemo’s eyes snapped back to Sam but this time there was no amusement in them, instead a angry glaze as he frowned, “Best friend?” he repeats, standing up and walking over to Sam. “You hardly know her at all”

Sam scoffs as he raises an eyebrow at Zemo attempting to get into his face. “And you do?”

“Yes” Zemo instantly replies, “I know she was born in Novia Grand, Sokovia. Just like me. I know which schools she attended, the same as mine, I know what her favourite meals are, we had them whenever she came round to my house. I know her favourite band, I took her to their first concert. I know everything little thing about her Sam, and you know nothing”

Sam’s eyes widen at Zemo’s confession, realisation dawning on him. “You were childhood friends”

“More than friends Sam, we were lovers. We were the first people we dated, we were each other first kiss, we were each other first time” Zemo claims as if bragging to Sam

“Yet you didn’t know she was in the Army, you didn’t know she had a prosthetic leg did you?” Sam asks and when he sees the slight fall in Zemo’s face he smiles, “You used to know her Zemo, but obviously, you don’t know the person I know now”

-

With a pair of tweezers lent to you from Sharon, you pull your trouser leg up and search around in your prosthetic leg attempting to find the bullet lodged inside and pull it out. You could see the bullet but you couldn’t quite get the right angle to pull it out making you groan in annoyance.

You were about to throw the tweezers across the room in anger when you heard a knock against the door. You were currently sitting in one of Sharon’s guest rooms as lot were staying at Sharon’s place for the night to rest up then go and find the scientist tomorrow morning.

“Y/n?” you hear his voice call out from the other side

You sigh rolling your eyes, “What do you want” you snap

“May I come in? We need to talk”

“I don’t want to talk”

You hear the click of the door and Zemo pushes it open to stare at you in a slight annoyance. His eyes then move down to the tweezers in your hand and your leg. He takes a few steps towards you, his hand out as he closes the door.

“Let me”

You hesitate for a moment but finally, give in and hand him the tweezers. He pulls out a seat beside you and gently puts the tweezers through the hole in your leg.

“How did it happen?” he asks as he concentrates on your leg while at the same time trying to create polite conversation.

“Like most injuries out there. One of the soldiers was on the floor, shot a round of bullets into my leg. The doctor there couldn’t save my leg so I had to get it amputated”

He nods, finally grasping the bullet with the tweezers and started to pull it out. “Serving in the army, it’s admirable. Something very like you. I was in the Sokovian armed forces. EKO scorpion”

You nod as you watch him pull the bullet out and place it to the side. “I remember reading about it in the news”

His eyes, flickering to you, glimmer with amusement. “So you kept track of me?”

Your cheeks heat up in embarrassment as he caught you out. You glance away from his intense stare instead to the table. “Did you really expect that I didn’t? You once were my best friend Zemo. It’s hard to let that go. I saw you got married, had a child. I’m sorry about what happened to them”

It was Zemo’s turn to look away now, feeling the pain in his heart ignite as he thinks back to his previous family. “My son, he was born on your birthday”

“I’m surprised you remember my birthday”

He smiles slightly, finally turning his eyes back to yours, “Of course I do. Every year I’d drink a toast to you. You said that I was your best friend and hard to let go of that. Well, it’s the same both ways y/n. I couldn’t just forget about your existence.”

“I had to leave” you whisper

“I know. I know why you left, and I know why you broke up with me in the first place”

Your eyes flash to his in surprise and widen seeing how they were swarmed with tears. “Because of my family, they never would of let us marry because of your status. Y/n I would have left all of that behind for you, without a second thought”

Shaking your head you reply, “I couldn’t have asked that of you Zemo”

“And that’s one of the reasons why you are so perfect. You always put me before you, now this time I am asking you to finally let yourself choose. If you want me to leave say and I will leave. But if you don’t say I will stay with you, and I won’t let you leave again”

“We’re not who we once were, Helmut” you mutter, finally letting yourself use his first name and with that, he already knew your choice. His hand goes up to cradle the side of your face gently, moving it nearer to him.

“Then let’s discover each other, all over again”

Your eyes fluttered shut as he pushed his lips on you, fitting perfectly against yours as if they were made for you. He poised there, hoping he wasn’t being too forward but his lips smirked as you started to move your lips on him, crashing them on top of his for action, which he kindly gave.

His tongue poked your bottom lip, begging for entrance. One which you allow as you wrap your fingers behind his neck, getting tangled in his hair.

You could hardly believe this is where you were, once again with Zemo, his lips upon yours, desire between your legs. In the last twenty years, you had often dreamt of reuniting with Zemo, experiencing this moment again but you never thought it would happen. But here you were.

His hands travelled down your back, swooping under your butt as you wrapped your leg around his waist. Swiftly he lifts you off the chair and walks you over to the bed, placing you down on it and crawling on top of you.

His lips trail down your cheek, across your jawline and down onto your neck, sucking on that delicate pulse spot. A moan escapes from your lips and he pulls back chuckling. “For so long now I’ve longed to hear you moan for me Princess”

You just groan, your hand pushing his face back into your neck making him laugh but he quickly goes back to making a hickey on it. His fingers trail down to your shirt, slowly lifting it and once again he pulls away to be able to lift the shirt off you.

He holds back for a moment to admire your beauty. His hands move behind your back and swiftly undoes the clasps on your bra, tugging it off. He groans seeing you for all your glory and buries his head in your boobs. ‘Oh how I have missed these’

While his mouth latches onto your breasts, smothering them in kisses as his hands go to undo the buttons on your trousers. He starts to tug them down, with no sense of being gentle but rather a primal urge taking over him. He manages to tug them off you and then his lips move down even further. He trails his tongue from your breasts down your belly, leaving a trail of saliva. As he reaches your underwear, his teeth latch onto it. With a slight groan from his lips, he then pulls them off, sliding them down your legs and flicking them off to the floor along with your other discarded clothes.

He sighs in contentment as he buries his face into the side of your thigh as his fingers trail your prosthetic leg. Leaning forward he places a kiss on it, then trails upwards, littering it in soft kisses. The only softness you’ll be experiencing tonight.

As you feel him get nearer your core you let out a shudder in anticipation, as you shudder you feel his lips suddenly press against your core. He instantly latches into your clit, his tongue dancing on it, twisting it in circular motions. Your hands instantly grasp his hair, holding him close to your core, not letting him go. Not that he ever want to. Sandwiched between your legs is where he belonged.

“If I remember correctly, you always liked this part”

You let out a shocked gasp as suddenly a finger presses against your entrance and then slips inside of you, with ease from how wet you have become. He slides the finger all the way into the end, letting a moan rip out of your throat.

“It seems I do remember correctly”

“Instead of commentating everything why don’t you put that mouth to good use” you groan, pushing his face back into your crotch. His tongue instantly went back to your clit as he started to thrust his finger in and out of you, making sure it brushes against your walls. As you start to let more little moans he thrusts another finger inside, opening slightly to stretch you out.

You could feel the knot in your stomach tightening as he worked his tongue on your clit and his fingers in and out of you at a rapid pace. Then his fingers hit just at that right spot and your walls fluttered around him. You hardly got enough time to choke out a warning before you were gushing all over his fingers. When your climax started to edge away he pulled his face back from your clit, removing his fingers and while holding your eye contact he stuck his tongue out, lapping up your juices on his fingers.

He moans slightly as he licks it up, his eyes fluttering half close, ‘Mine Gott, I forgot just how good you tasted’

“Well let’s see if you are as good with that dick as you were in the past” you tease, pulling his face towards your to encompass in another kiss. As your hands hold his face to yours his fingers feel up the side of your waist, ghosting over your skin creating goosebumps.

You could sense when his fingers started to trail to his trousers though and you pull away from his lips making him whine.

“Strip for me”

He tilts his head smirking as he looks up into your playful eyes. “As you wish my princess,” he says as he climbs off you, standing at the end of the bed. Slowly he tugs off his large coat off, laying it on the side of the bed. Next, he works on his turtleneck, slowly tugging it up to his chest, then over his head. Soon it joins the steady growing pile of discarded clothes. Next, he quickly tugged down his trousers and boxers, his patience starting to wear thin.

As he pulled them down exposing his dick you hummed in approval. “Now isn’t that a sight for sore eyes”

“And you were complaining at me for talking” Zemo murmurs, stepping forward to crawl back onto you but your hold your hand up to stop him. “Put the coat back on”

“I see in our time apart you’ve become more demanding,” he says as he picks up the coat and slides it back onto his naked body. As he finally gets to crawl back on top of you, you grasp the fur collar and pull him closer to your face.

You run your fingers through his hair, making it even messier than it was before. Parts of it fell onto his forehead. His hands move down to hold his dick by your entrance, rubbing it against your folds. For a moment he hesitates, moving his head to rest against your forehead in anticipation.

“You’re still as beautiful as when I last saw you”

With that, he pushes into you, rather quickly because of how desperate he was to feel you around him. As he bottoms out he groans, pushing his face into the crook of the neck as you grasp the back of his head gasping. He stays still for a minute, treasuring the feeling of your walls clasping onto him. Then slowly he pulls mostly out of you, till just his head hung in your, and then thrust back into you.

He started to pick up speed, hearing the increase of your moans against his ear. His grunts and moans start to intertwine with yours as you both chase your pleasure.

“Gott, you are so perfect my princess. You feel so good around me” he’d groan into your ear as his hips thrust repeatedly into your, the sounds echoing on the walls of the room. His fingers sneak down your belly to your core, rubbing against your clit. Instantly your back was arched and your fingers grasped onto the coat.

“God Helmut, I don’t remember you being this good” you moan and with your words he speeds up, pumping inside of you. His head kept brushing up inside that perfect spot inside and with his fingers twisting on your clit you could feel your climax steadily approaching.

“H-Helmut, I’m going to, soon I’m-” you tried to get out between moans but there was no need to as Zemo could feel how close you were for the way your walls clung around him tightly.

“Come for me Princess, let me feel you. I need to feel you again my love, after so long”

And his words were music to your ears as you feel the knot within you snap and your wetness gushing over his dick. Zemo bites down on your neck, trying to be gentle, as he feels your walls grasp you even tiger as he thrusts into you. Not long after he felt his own release coming and as you lay there panting he thrusts in time to his release until he squeezed out every last drop.

He hovers over you for a moment, panting, wanting to remain in your warmth for just a moment longer but eventually he pulls out and collapse beside you.

He wraps his arm around your waist and pulls you into his side, burying his face in your hair.

“Thank you Helmut” you whisper

“No my princess, thank you for forgiving me for everything I’ve ever done to you. I don’t deserve your forgiveness, I don’t deserve your love but I desperately need it. I won’t lose you again my darling”

TAGS: @shrekboobies @arianalilyblack @multiyfandomgirl40 @lieutenantn @neoarchipelago @cable-kenobi @edencherries @faustlyaccused @julyvegan @prestigious-tea @hannahbal-the-fannibal @barneswidow @checkurwindow @babayaga67 @spookycereal-s @mylifeispainandiloveit

If you would like to be added to the tag list please fill out this form here

[70sgolden]

^ emphasis on the sometimes.

FIC REC MASTERLIST

here are my favorite h fics/blurbs/series/oneshots (in no specific order)

i havent been writing in a while bc im insecure lmao but here are a list of extremely talented people that always hit the spot <3

••••••••••

scorpio season (series) - @trulymadlysydney

rating: M

tags: fluff, smut, angst, ghost!harry, supernatural

love this series so much! as a scorpio i felt v special and this series made me laugh, cry, and thirst wow

plot: Harry is the ghost that haunts the sorority house, Misty is the only one who can see him, and Scorpio season is far too short.

••••••••••

citrine (series) - @moonchildstyles

rating: M

tags: fluff, smut, supernatural, witch!harry

changed my life wow i’m a witch myself and witchcraft was depicted very beautifully and i live this series so much!

plot: harrys a witch and he hasnt really been around people in a long time and the one day this girl stumbles upon his house and harry’s pretty sure hes fucked

••••••••••

a series of firsts (series) - @harrywritingsbyme

rating: M

tags: smut, some fluff

plot: a series of firsts between harry and y/n

HOT JUST HOT (; ANYTHING WRITTEN BY THIS WRITER IS JUST HOT <3

••••••••••

love you, that’s all (oneshot) - @hsluna

rating: PG

tags: fluff, very fucking cute

made my heart go boom

plot: Y/N and Harry have only been dating for a little and he tells her that he loves her for the first time.

••••••••••

bratty (blurb) - @haroldloverboy

rating: M

tags: SMUT

one of my go-tos for smutty blurbs it was really hard choosing one cause she has so many!

plot: in which Harry doesn’t like bratty girls and Y/N can be quite the beggar

••••••••••

panic attack (oneshot) - @muffindaddystyles

rating: PG

tags: angst, fluff at the end

i loved this so much!! very heartwarming

plot: Where you got a panic attack while attending a lecture at University and Harry’s out of reach.

••••••••••

tarnish (series) - @hes-writer

rating: PG

tags: angst, mentions of vomiting

anything written by this user is simply magical! i always feel in the story when reading their work. so good that i subscribed to the patreon even tho im broke lmao

plot: y/n finds a letter with a heartbreaking revelation

••••••••••

so… the weather?’ (oneshot/blurb??) - @perksofhs

rating: G

tags: fluff, cute

i love reading things with famous!reader soo this hit

plot: (ask) harry and famous reader are in a talk show and he has a crush on her. Maybe he accidentally hurts her while playing a game and he feels awful about it orrr maybe the host put a video where harry says that the reader is his crush and he gets nervous and embarrassed.

••••••••••

you get me closer to god (series) - @darthstyles

rating: M

tags: smut, dom!harry, mentions of guns/blood/violence, dom/sub dynamics, daddy kink, rough sex, various edgeplay

LOVE shit like this sm!! reminds me of the older wattpad days but this writing is actually good lmao. twelve parts so it’ll last you a good week and tht also means it’s rereadable (im gonna do it tn!)

plot : the daughter of a mob boss, after unrest in the underworld of america, moves to london under the protection of one of her father’s english associates, harry, head of london’s largest crime family.

••••••••••

demon harry oneshot - @jawllines

tags: demon!harry, smut in pt2

anything that this user posts is gold!! definitely posting more of their work on here because they come up with such unique and well-rounded concepts which is hard to come by in my opinion.

plot: harry is a demon and y/n is cute

••••••••••

hades!harry (series) - @adashofniallandasprinkleoflunacy

rating: M

tags: au, hades!harry, smut, fluff, angst

love aus so much!

plot: kinda self explanatory. hades!harry masterlist with different concepts that you’ll love!

••••••••••

feel it (oneshot) - @harrywritingsbyme

rating: FILTHY

tags: pain kink, degrading, spit, choking, daddy kink, size kink, more lmao

IM SWEATING. THIS SHIT WAS POWERFUL.

plot: y/n wants h to fuck her shit up and she gets just that. amen.

••••••••••

the tipping point (oneshot) - @floralsatin

rating: SAD

tags: angst, ANGST, ANGST.

tw// death and grieving

so well written and so fucking heartbreaking. i decided to put this in this list mid-read so you know it’ll fuck u up.

plot: “The final shove off the cliff of sanity.”

DEFINITELY MORE TO COME I READ A LOT! I’LL ADD TO THIS LIST AS I READ AND YOU CAN SENS SUBMISSIONS IN MY INBOX AND I’LL REVIEW!!

[127-mile]

Lay low.

Pairing: Jaehyun x female reader.

Genre: The purge, gang!au, established relationship | Angst, fluff, suggestive.

Warnings: Brief mention of mature content, but it stops as soon as it starts (nothing more than a few kisses happen), strong language, home invasion, weapons, blood, injuries, minor characters’ deaths.

Plot: Being Jaehyun’s girlfriend is nice, until purge night where it becomes more dangerous to be around all because Jaehyun refused to lay low.

Word count: +5k.

A/N: This is part of @kpopscape​‘s 21st purge event.

EMERGENCY BROADCAST SYSTEM.

"This is not a test. This is your emergency broadcast system announcing the commencement of the Annual Purge sanctioned by the U.S. Government. Weapons of class 4 and lower have been authorized for use during the Purge. All other weapons are restricted. Government officials of ranking 10 have been granted immunity from the Purge and shall not be harmed. Commencing at the siren, any and all crime, including murder, will be legal for 12 continuous hours. Police, fire, and medical emergency services will be unavailable until tomorrow morning 7 am when the Purge concludes. Blessed be our New Founding Fathers and America, a nation reborn. May God be with you all."

Jaehyun watches with amusement as you repeat the words scrolling on the blue screen of the television, but he winces when he hears the siren that has grown more and more annoying as the years went by.

"Are the doors and windows locked?" you ask, standing up from the couch. Jaehyun cackles when he sees you trying to open the nearest window, and he clears his throat. "Baby, if you keep trying to open it, it'll set the alarm off." you stop right in front of yet another window, and you turn on your heels. "Couldn't you tell me before I tried?"

"I did not think it was useful, as I told you Johnny would take care of everything an hour before it starts." Jaehyun stands up, and he stops once he is behind you. "Did something go wrong last year?" he asks, pressing his chest against your back, and you shake your head. "And the year before that?" his lips ghost over the shell of your ear, and you feel a shiver running down your spine. "Nothing."

"Then, there is no reason for something to happen tonight." he whispers, and he is wrong because there are a lot of reasons for something to happen tonight, you know it, and you are sure that he knows it too. "Do you promise?" he grabs your caist, and he forces your to face him, the shadow of a smirk on his face. "I promise."

You open your mouth, but instead of letting you speak, he leans in to kiss you. "What are you doing?" you ask in a laugh without kissing him back, which only makes Jaehyun growl softly. "We have twelve hours to kill, so I'm finding us an occupation." of course he would propose something like that.

"You don't want to watch a movie? Read a book?" you ask in a whisper when his lips slide down your neck. "I would rather watch you." you roll your eyes but when he bites on the skin, a rather loud moan escapes your lips. "Bedroom, bedroom right now." the noise Jaehyun lets out is way too funny for the current situation.

He takes your hand and walks to the bedroom, he closes the door behind you but before you can make a move towards the bed, he presses you against said door. "I love you." he whispers before diving back for a kiss. Jaehyun is such a good kisser, you could spend hours doing nothing but kill him. There is nothing soft or sweet in the way he kisses, but you would not change any of it.

You know he does this to change your mind, he knows you are not the biggest fan of the purge, who is? And you are not going to say no. He licks your lower lip, and you open your mouth to grant him access, be before he can do anything, a hard knock against the door startle you. "What the fuck?"

Jaehyun does not move, but he is annoyed. "What?" he asks, and you know whoever is behind that door is going to spend a really bad night. "Jaehyun, you need to come and see this." he growls, and you push yourself off of the door so Jaehyun can open it. "See what? I'm busy here, can't it wait tomorrow?"

Johnny shakes his head, and Jaehyun makes a sound low in his throat. "You really need to see this, it's important!" he curses, and he leaves the bedroom, not without grabbing your hand on his way out. "Hey, Y/n." Johnny says with a stupid grin on his face, and you roll your eyes. "Hey, idiot."

Johnny leads them to the security room where all the surveillance camera screens are installed. Taeyong and Doyoung look worried, and you wonder what is happening for them to bother Jaehyun when he clearly stated that he did not want anyone near his quarter until the of the purge.

"So, what is so urgent?" he mumbles, sitting down on the office chair, making you sit on his lap, arms wrapped around your waist. "This. This is urgent." Taeyong says, showing one of the screens. It shows the front of the house, and you frown when you see at least 6 people. "Oh, come on."

This is what you were talking about Jaehyun said there was no reason for something to happen tonight. This year was not the quietest for the Neos, so it was expected. "They have a lot of weapons, but everything is locked, right?" you ask in a small voice.

"Yes, of course, I checked at least thrice." Mark answers from his side of the room, and you turn your head towards him, he is so discreet that you did not even notice him when you entered. "Then we don't have to worry about anything, right? Right?" you nibble on your lower lip when none of the men answer. You hate this.

"Johnny, get everyone in the meeting room in five minutes. Mark, stay here and call us if anything happens." both men nod, and you stand up when Jaehyun pats your thigh. "What do I do?" you ask, following Jaehyun out of the room, and he turns on his heels. "Go find the kids, stay with them and try to pretend nothing is happening, we don't need them to find out and to freak out."

"Alright, alright." before leaving, he pecks your lips one last time and he disappears in another room. "Mark, let me know too." Mark nods and you leave the security room. You find most of the kids in the common living room, sitted on the sofas and on the ground, watching an horror movie. Of course they would watch an horror movie during the scariest night of the year.

"What are we watching?" you ask, sitting down beside Kun around the dining table. "I have no idea. There is way too much blood, and way too many girls screaming bloody murder." you giggle, but it must sound fake, because Kun looks at you, eyes narrowed. "Why are you here? I thought you would spend the night with Jaehyun, like you do every year."

"Everything is fine, Jaehyun had something urgent to take care of." yes, you do not feel like saying that Jaehyun has to take care of a bunch of armed people, ready to make them pay for whatever they did during this year. "What are you hiding? You are acting weird." he asks, head tilted to the side, and you hate the way he is looking at you, the intensity of his gaze, because you know you are going to cave-in and tell him everything.

But you do not have to say anything when a loud thud is heard in front of the door. One of the boys payse the movie, and all of their eyes turn towards the door. "Tell me." you stand up, and trying to stop the boys to check by themselves is harder than you thought it would be. "Go to the basement. All of you, lock yourself in and stay quiet, I have something to ask to Mark."

"Don't play the superhero, Y/n, and come with us." Kun says, grabbing your hand but you free yourself from his grip right away. "I have something to do. Now, go!" Kun gathers all of the kids, and you see the basement's door close behind them just when another thud is heard, louder this time and you are pretty sure you saw the door shake.

This can't be fucking happening.

You run to the security room, and you can't even begin to explain what emotions are on Mark's face when you push the door. He looks absolutely frightened and his eyes are shining with tears. "What is going on?" you ask, approaching the screens. Now, the men can be seen on multiple of the screens, which mean, they are surrounding the house.

"I have no idea. I told Jaehyun and he said he is taking care of it." he says in a voice so small that your heart breaks a little bit. "I told Kun and the boys to lock themselves in the basement, you should go and join them." Mark shakes his head. "I can't. Jaehyun asked me to be here."

"I do not ware what Jaehyun said, you are too young to be in the house. You have to be in safety with the others. So go, I'll take care of the cameras." Mark seems to think about it, but he stands up. "Give me the phone." he does just that, and he leaves the room at a rapid pace.

You dial Jaehyun's number, and the man answers right away. "Mark, what do you see?" you bite your lower lip, because you know you are in for a big argument, but it is what it is. "It's not Mark, it's me. Mark went to the basement with the others."

"What? Why? You should be in the basement too, Y/n!" he says, his voice as sharm as the knife you see a man raise in front of a camera. "Ten and Jungwoo are still in their rooms, I have to go and get them. You take care of whatever mess you brought in this house, and I'm taking care of putting everyone to safety."

"Please, for the love of God, stay safe too. I don't know how long we'll be able to keep the doors close, so take a gun with you, there is one in one of the drawers of my desk." you nod even though he can't see you. "I will. Please, be careful too." he hums and you hang up. Maybe you should have told him that you loved him, in case you do not have the chance to tell him after tonight.

You head for Jaehyun's office, and like he said, you find a gun in the bottom drawer of his desk. Opening the padlock was easy, as it is your birth day. You stop moving to listen, but no sound come to your ears. There are two options: either the men decided to stop. Either you are too far away from the entrance to hear anything.

Or the third option, they are comploting to open the doors and the windows. But you do not want to think about this option, it is way too scary. You take Mark's phone, and you dial Ten's number, but he doesn't answer, nor does Jungwoo. "Fucking hell." you muster, you are going to teach them a lesson. They need to learn to answer their fucking phones, especially on purge night.

You are in the middle of the staircase when you hear the sound of broken glass. They found a way in, but it did not sound close, so you should be safe once upstairs. At least you hope you will, because if you die, or end up being injured, Jaehyun is going to kill whoever decided to not force you into the basement.

When you find Ten's room, you open the door. You do not have the time to knock, and you do not want to attract anyone's attention. Ten is on his bed, headphones in his ears and you can hear his music from the door. He is in for a big surprise, you think as you hit his arm.

"Stay quiet." you say as soon as he takes his headphones off. "What is going on?" he asks, already on his feet. "The house is surrounded, and a window was broken on my way here." his eyes widen, and you grab his hand. "We have to find the others, and you have to join Kun and the boys in the basement."

"Do you have anything that could work as a weapon?" you ask, and he looks around before grabbing a baseball bat. I will not hurt as much as a bullet, but it is better than nothing. "Let's go find Jungwoo." he nods, and you leave the bedroom. Now, the noises are way clearer.

You hear hushed conversation, but unfortunately, you do not know if it belongs to the Neos or the men trying to break in. "Jungwoo is not in his room." Ten finally says and you turn on your heels to face him. "What? Where is he?"

"The gaming room, with Taeil." oh for god's sake.

The gamine room is far enough from the front door that they probably will not think about checking it, but it is downstairs, which mean you have to get close to the front door to join them. "What happened to everyone stays in their bedrooms or in the living room."

"I know, I told him, but because Jaehyun said nothing would happen, they thought it was safe to go there." well, they thought wrong, and you hope you'll live long enough to give them a piece of your mind. "Listen to me, Ten. I am going to get them, you are going to the basement."

"No, I'm not leaving you alone." Ten is too stubborn for his own good, so you know you won't have the last word. "Let's go then. Walk on the right side of the steps, they don't creak."

Getting down the stairs is quick, but also complicated. You have to stop every time you hear a noise, and you hear a lot of these. "Did you check upstairs?" someone asks, and you stop abruptly. "Not yet." another person answers and you are ready to go back up, but you lock eyes with a stranger at the same moment.

"Wha-" you grab Ten's baseball bat, and before the man can alerts someone else, you hit him square in the head with the bat. Shooting him would have been more efficient, but also too loud ro remain unnoticed. "Let's go before he wakes up."

You look on your left, and on your right and when you see nothing, you start to run towards the gaming room. At least, the idiots who entered the Neo's house decided to keep the light on. It makes the whole ordeal easier, and also more dangerous.

When you try to turn the door handle, nothing happens. The door is locked. You knock softly, putting your ear against it but you hear nothing. "Taeil, Jungwoo, it's me, open the door." you repeat a few times, and when the door finally opens, it is on a scared Jungwoo, cheeks glistening with tears.

"Ten, Ten!" the man looks frozen on the spot, and you have to grab his arm to push him inside of the room, just in time as a bullet ends against the wall where his head was. "Fuck!" he yells, locking the door. "There! There are people in this room!" the shooter says.

"Both of you. If we survive, I'm going to murder you myself, I promise." you say through gritted teeth to the two men. "Hide behind the couch." you oder and they obey. So, it's not all bad to be Jaehyun's girlfriend, you think. You have a little bit of authority over them.

You try to call Jaehyun, but he does not answer, so you choose to send him a text instead.

To Jaehyun - We are in the gaming room, they saw us and they have guns. Are you okay?

From Jaehyun - Don't move, we are coming.

To Jaehyun - Make them leave, we don't need help right now.

Well, they do need help but having them out of the house is way more important than being savec. Even if they only have a gun and a baseball bat, they can protect themselves. If the men find the door to the basement, they won't be able to protect each other, so they are not the more important right now.

From Jaehyun - We'll come and get you when it is safe.

You walk back when voices are heard on the other side of the door. "Little bird, would you please open the door?" the stranger asks, and you want to scoff. Jaehyun would kill him if he heard him give you a petname without his accord. "Because if you do not open yourself, I will have to open it myself, and I won't be as nice."

"If you are ready to get your head blow up, then come on in, be my guest, I'm waiting." being Jaehyun's girlfriend is bad sometimes, because of your self-confidence. A self-confidence that could get them killed, yes.

You would be lying if you said you were expecting the man to stop trying to break in, but he does. And the door does not hold on for more than a couple of hits with a heavy object against it. "Hello little bird."

You get the gun from your back pocket, but of course, of fucking course, it is nowhere to be found. You probably lost it in the stairs when you grabbed Ten's baseball bat. "Oh, did you lose something little bird?" he asks, taking a few steps forwards, and you take a step back each time he does.

He stops moving when you are backed up against the window, you have nowhere to go, nowhere to run. You lock eyes with Jungwoo, and the man stands up as silently as he can and you see what he does. He grabs the pocket knife he still has in his jacket, just in case. And if you complained about said knife before, you take back everything you said.

"Maybe I should keep you, you pretty bird." you tilt your head to the side, and you try to ignore the putric breath hitting against your face. "I do not think you could handle me." you shrug and the man starts to lose his temper, and that's what you love so much about men, they can't stand being belittled.

"You bitch." he hisses and it's at that moment that Jungwoo slides the knife in your direction. Now, you need to distract him, or he will never let you get down to grab it. So you do what you do best, you hit him right in the balls with your knee. "You fucking bitch!" he yells, taking a step back, hands cupping his crotch.

You crouch down and you grab the knife and before he can make a move, you stick the blade of the knife in his throat. He opens his mouth to scream, but you hear nothing but a gurgling noise, blood running down the wound and onto his white shirt. And the carpet, which is going to be a mess to clean. "What were you going to say, you bitch?" you ask.

"Let's go."

Ten, Taeil and Jungwoo stand up, and they leave the room together, closing the door as best as they can behind them. You can't lock it unfortunately but it should be fine. It'll take some time for him to bleed out, but he will die.

You find the door to the basement without any problem, and you knock, you know Kun must be behind, waiting to be told it is safe to get out. "Kun, open!" you say and he does right away. "Go on, get down." when Ten, Taeil and Jungwoo are getting down the stairs, you close the door in front of Kun's face.

You should be going downstairs with them, but you are too far down to stop. You have to find Jaehyun, that's all that mattesr for you. Jaehyun, and nothing else, especially now that everyone is safe downstairs.

You quickly stop in the safety room, you have to check the screens to see if more people are outside, but no, the screens are empty. And if only they had cameras inside of the house, it would be easier to track the people down, but no, you have to go blind on a deadly mission you forced upon yourself.

Jaehyun is so going to kill you.

You should have thought twice before deciding to stay in the house, because as soon as you step out of the room, someone grabs you by the neck. "Oh, would you look at that, the boss's girlfriend."

He pushes you against the closest wall, hard enough for your head to hit the wall and you wince. You see stars dancing behind your eyelids, and a pitiful whine leaves your lips. "Oh, did it hurt? That's too bad." the pressure on your airflow decrease and you grab his wrist. "If your boyfriend had decided to lay low like we told him to, we would not be here today." he explains in a low voice.

"At least now, I have a reason for him to come out. Come on, follow me." he lets go of your throat, and before you have time to take a deep breath, he blocks both of your arms behind your back to make it easier for him to walk with you, and more difficult for you to leave. It is useless, so you do not even try to run away, it would cause nothing but harm on you, and on the others.

"Jung Jaehyun, where are you hiding?" the man asks in a loud voice. "I have your girl, so you have no choice but to come out." he ends his sentence with a laugh that brings shills down your spine, that was an unpleasant sound you wish you'll never have to hear again.

"If you don't come out, I'll have no choice than to kill her." he forces you to the ground, a hand on the back of your neck and the next thing your hear is the sound of footsteps. "Let her go." and Jaehyun's angry voice.

"And why would I do that? Did you let go of my brother when I asked you not to kill him, to spare his life?" the man spits and Jaehyun heaves a long sigh. "Your brother hurt one of my boys, he had to pay. Aren't you the one who said an eye for an eye?"

"That's why I'm here. An eye for an eye, your girl has to die, and you'll have to watch her die." you feel the cold of the gun's barrel on the back of your head, and you close your eyes. So that's how it ends, you think. But are you surprised? Not really, your parents told you it would happen when they learned who your boyfriend was.

You could have listened to them, but sometimes, love is so strong that your heart is the first think you listen when you should obviously be listening to your brain.

"Any last word, pretty?" he asks, and you look up at Jaehyun. You saw him mad before, but this is another level. The anger in his eyes is strong, you can feel it burns through your skin, because you know you are part of the reason behind the anger.

"I love you." you say with a soft smile, and the man shakes his head. "I'm a nice man, Jaehyun, so I am giving you the opportunity to tell her something before I kill her." Jaehyun scoffs, fists squeezed so tight that you can see how white and bloody his knuckles are.

"Do you remember our second anniversary," he starts and you frown, this is not the time to talk about the good old day. "this guy tried to flirt with you while we were eating in the park." he does not need to finish, you know what he means, so you nod. "I do remember. I remember everything."

"You remember what I taught you that day?" once again, you nod. This is a memory you will never forget. "I really wish we could do this again." he moves his lips, and you know he is counting.

One.

Two.

"Three." he says out loud, and you throw your head back, knocking the man on the nose. He growls loudly as he falls on his ass from the impact, but at least, it gives enough time for Jaehyun to grab his gun and shoot him in the head. The noise is so loud that you have to cover your ears, eyes closed tight.

Jaehyun talks to you, but you can't hear anything, but you can feel him force you back on your feet and you follow him without saying a word."

"Eh eh, open your eyes." you look up when you feel Jaehyun's hands on your cheeks. He is still angry, but you can also read relief in his eyes, the relief to be reunited with you. "Basement. Now."

He doesn't give you the choice, the door open, and Kun takes your arm to force you down the stairs. Your ears hurt, everything hurt but you know it is nothing but exhaustion.

"Are you okay, are you hurt?" someone asks, and you shake your head when the buzzing finally stops. The boys are all on one side of the basement, pilled against each other. "That's not my blood." it's enough for Kun to stop asking questions.

You ignore how long you spend in the basement, but at some point, you can't hear a thing coming from upstairs. You remember that you still have Mark's phone and when you check, you notice that it is almost 7 am. You must have fallen asleep, because you did not see the hours pass.

When 7 o'clock strikes, the door to the basement opens and the place is suddenly bathed in yellow light. "You can come up now, it's safe."

Johnny.

They all stand up, groggy and sore after so many hours crowded in one spot. You let the boys go up first, and when it's your turn, you brace yourself for the worst.

A few windows are broken, the front door is in three pieces and on the ground, there is blood everywhere and you have to hold onto Jisung's hand when he starts to slip on a pool of someone's blood. "Easy kid, don't hurt yourself." he thanks you in a small voice and you nod.

"Kids, go to your bedrooms. Take a shower, take a nap if you want, Kun and I will call you when breakfast is ready." a few of them refuse, but Taeil does not give them the choice, he leads them upstairs. They do not need to see more of the mess that is the house they were supposed to be safe in.

"Johnny?" you ask, and the man peaks his head from the kitchen's doorframe and he looks terrible. He has a black eye, and bleed is coming out of his forehead. "How are the others?" he shrugs, and a weight falls on your stomach. "Fine. Injured but fine. Jaehyun too."

You heave a long sigh you didn't know you were holding, and you walk past Johnny to join your boyfriend. The man is sitting on a stool, an ice pack against his severly bruised jaw. He is coreved in blood, but it does not look like his blood, which is a real relief.

"Baby." he says when he sees you, and you smile. "Let me do it." you hold the ice pack for him, and he closes his eyes, finally letting his arm rest on the kitchen island. "How are you feeling? Do you need to go to the hospital?" he shakes his head. "No, it's fine. A few cuts and bruises."

"Any of the other boys need to go to the hospital?" Johnny clears his throat, and you turn to face him. "Doyoung. One of the men broke his arm." oh, this must hurt like a bitch, you think. "Do you want me to drive him?" Johnny shakes his head, keys already in his hand. "I'm going, don't worry."

Kun starts to clear up the dining table, before joining them in the kitchen. They all deserve a good breakfast.

"I'm glad you are okay." Jaehyun says and you look at him. "It's only because of you. I should have listened, but I had to find you, I had to make sure you were okay." you put a hand on his cheek and he shrugs. "I was not expecting you to obey, I know you better than anyone else, but it was worth the try."

He is right, he does know you better than anyone in this house. Better than anyone in the world even, parents included. "I love you Y/n." he whispers and you kiss him softly, trying not to hurt him, tasting blood. "I love you even more."

Now comes the worst part of the purge. It is time to clean the blood, to get the bodies out of the house, to put everything in order and to buy whatever was broken during the night. It is also time to help the boys, to apologize for causing so much fear and pain when they promised to protect them no matter what when they first moved in.

It will be hard, and it will take a few days, or weeks but they'll succeed, you know it. Everyone is strong on their own, and even stronger when they are together.

Until next year.

[thanksjro]

Bayverse: Treating These Movies with More Dignity than They Deserve or Contain, Because I’m a Goddamned Professional - Part One

TRANSFORMERS (2007) - UNCOMFORTABLE SEXUAL TENSION BETWEEN TEENAGERS THAT I DIDN’T NEED TO SEE

So.

This is a little different than what I usually do.

Clearly.

God, how did we even get here?

Oh, I remember.

The date was September 17th, 2020, and I was in a stream with nine or ten other people watching the first Bayverse Transformers movie. Why we were watching it doesn’t particularly matter- sometimes you just gotta watch garbage so you can refresh your palate for the good stuff, I suppose. Also, a couple of folks wanted to make goo-goo eyes at Blackout’s rotors.

...It’s not my thing, but I’m glad they’ve got something to make the journey worth taking.

I made some sort of comment about only using my brain for this blog’s content, and someone (you know who you are :)) suggested that I take a proper look at the film. Being who I am, I immediately latched onto this idea, despite it being technically outside of what I write about.

And then I quintuple-downed, because winners don’t quit.

Good to know that my BA in Film Production wasn’t a complete waste of time.

Fun fact, I broke my television trying to watch Transformers for this. I think the universe was trying to stop me, by making me perform surgery on electronics, and also aggravating my carpal tunnel.

This movie came out when I was 13, and it was the first Transformers thing I saw after Cybertron. Yes, the anime one. No, not the one that’s objectively terrible.

Anyway.

How did I feel about Transformers when I saw it the first time? Well… it was okay. I liked the robots. I thought Mikaela was pretty, not that I knew what that meant back then. I watched it a few times, if only because my oldest younger brother kept renting it at Blockbuster. It was fun.

Now I’m older, and wiser, and know feminist theory, so my opinion is less “this exists” and more “blind, murderous rage”.

Our film opens up with some claptrap about the Cube™, a MacGuffin of ultimate power that allows the Transformers to create worlds in their image and populate them. Which means this is how they reproduce.

It always comes back to baby-making, doesn’t it?

The narration goes on about how the Cube™ is very powerful, and some folks wanted it for good, and others for evil. The criteria for being “good” and “evil” isn’t established, and I’m not exactly sure how one would define such a thing, when all the Cube™ does is create life, but, well, we’ve only just begun. Maybe we’ll get some answers later on.

Haha, I doubt it.

So, the Cube™ is the catalyst for our 4 million year war this continuity, and that sucker was lost in the shuffle a while back. This is a problem, because, again, the Cube™ is how the Transformers reproduce. Now everyone’s in a mad scramble to find the thing so their species doesn’t die out.

Three guesses as to where it ended up, and the first two don’t count.

Smashcut to the shit nobody cares about- the humans. We see an Osprey fly over the Qatar desert, carrying a buttload of American soldiers. We get a taste of some good old-fashioned xenophobia, as several soldiers mock a guy for not speaking English and loving his mother’s cooking, going full “funny haha gibberish language” on him. We’re two and a half minutes into the film, and I already want to stab something.

Ed Sheeran breaks into the conversation, I guess because he was feeling left out, revealing that he is the New Yorker stereotype of the film, for some reason. The fellas ask their captain, Lennox, what he’s looking forward to most about getting home from their tour, and he reveals himself to be a family man. While he’s been away, his wife had a baby, who he hasn’t so much as held yet. His men respond by mocking him.

For loving his child.

We’re three minutes into the film, and the toxic masculinity might actually make me have an aneurysm.

The Ospreys land, the lads disembark, and we get a snapshot of what downtime during deployment looks like to Bay. There are a lot of kiddie swimming pools involved. Two men play basketball. We watch multiple men take outdoor showers. A young Qatari boy brings Lennox a camelback water pack with a smile on his face. This lets me know that he’s a prop and not a character in this film. I can’t wait to see how many horrors he’ll be put through to simulate pathos.

We get a shot of a helicopter flying over the desert, one that the US military doesn’t recognize as their own. They send a couple of planes to check it out, and said planes get their shop wrecked. The helicopter is revealed to be the same ‘copter that was shot down several months prior. That’s… not good. Ghost helicopter?

No. Not at all, actually.

Lennox gets on a video chat with his wife and daughter, who is wearing one of the most ridiculous baby outfits I’ve seen in a hot minute. And I used to work in childcare, so I’ve seen a good amount of those. The writing implies that normal bodily functions are unladylike and therefore undesirable… in an infant… and that’s when all hell breaks loose, thankfully saving me from more of Bay trying to make me give a shit about these characters.

The helicopter lands, we get a shot of the mustachioed pilot, who glitches (gasp), and the line “have your crew step out or we will kill you” is uttered. Not even trying to hide the nationalism, are you?

This film hit theaters in 2007, when the xenophobia from 9/11 was still heavy in the air of the general populace, so things like this were more tolerated, and in fact approved of. Of course, it’s not like America has really improved on that subject, or ever really had a point where we weren’t terrible about it, since we live in a world where the military-entertainment complex exists.

See, the Department of Defense and a good chunk of American entertainment industries have a little deal going, and have for the last few decades, and it goes like this: The DoD will allow the use of their vehicles, personnel, and bases, or the likenesses of such, for free, in exchange for their operations being shown in a positive/morally justified light. This is why you never see the armed forces portrayed in a way that makes them out as anything less than heroes- nobody would be able to afford the sets/likenesses without the DoD’s aid. This is also why you see straight-up advertisements for the military branches on televison, in cinemas, and online, and why both the Army and Navy have flirted with having Twitch channels.

It’s all a ploy to get you to join the military, kids. It’s propaganda.

But enough about that, it’s time for our first transformation sequence!

We get a lot of moving parts with this, since it’s realistic CGI in a live-action movie, and it still holds up. It’s hard to tell what’s actually happening, but it, if nothing else, feels alien, surreal, and horrific to behold. They even included the original sound effect in the cacophony, which is nice.

Our ghost helicopter reveals itself to be a Transformer, not that we get that terminology at any point in this film. This specifically is Blackout, a Decepticon. The soldiers start firing on him the moment he starts transforming, then are surprised when the thing they started shooting with several guns retaliates. This is the point where everything ever in this military base explodes, brilliantly and repeatedly, because it wouldn’t be a Bay film without it. There’s a lot of shouting and bright lights, and I’m positively certain that a great deal of people died during this fight.

It’s just a shame that I don’t care.

Blackout rips the top off of a building like it’s a tin of anchovies, and then snags all the hard drives he can, downloading everything. This is a problem, but it seems like nobody was prepared for a giant alien robot hack-attack, because in order to shut down the power to the servers, you need to be able to unlock the breaker box, and no one seems to have the key. They solve the problem with a fire ax.

Lennox is leading the Qatari boy through the base towards safety. I should mention that it’s night now, and several hours seem to have passed since the Ospreys landed, so I don’t know why this kid is still here. He’s got, like, a house and family to go home to.

We get some more tank-throwing action, Sergeant Epps almost gets flattened under Blackout’s foot, then the movie decides it’s going to try to make things more interesting by having each shot cut flash, for whatever reason.

Someone shoots Blackout with a rocket launcher, I think, and this is the point where he throws his tiny little man off his back to go do his job. Yes, Blackout’s got a baby, and that baby is Scorponok, his symbiotic pal who likes to dig into the ground and be a sneaky little bastard.

Blackout blows up a ton more military equipment and personnel, and then it’s time for another smashcut.

Now we’re in high school, just like all those dreams I’ve had where I’ve forgotten my homework. This is where we meet Sam Witwicky, our main character, and also the stand-in for our target demographic. He’s insufferable, and I don’t like him. Mikaela Banes, our love interest, is also present in this scene, but we don’t get to know about her character for, like, another 20 minutes, because who gives a shit about women, right? They’re just props, right?

Right???

RIGHT??????????

RIGH-

Sam is presenting on his great-great-grandfather, Archibald Witwicky, for his family genealogy report, in front of a class containing maybe three actors who are age appropriate.

I know child labor laws are a good thing, and that hiring adults to play teenagers is just the lay of the land, but I swear some of these students look like they’re old enough to be on their second mortgage and third kid.

Anyway.

Archibald Witwicky was an explorer, one of the first to traverse the Arctic circle, and apparently his crew was made up of folks from 2007, because I swear the clothing for a few of these dudes isn’t period-appropriate. We get a seamen joke, because of course we do, and a sextant joke, because of course we do. Sam is also hawking all this crap he’s brought in for the presentation, because he is a little bastard who has no idea what his peers would want to buy, or really how to relate to them at all. He’s selling these “priceless” artifacts so he can get a car. Mikaela finds this charming, for some fucking reason. Also, her boyfriend is weirdly stroking her shoulder blade with his knuckles the whole time this is happening, and I hate it.

Archibald Witwicky went mad after his expedition, talking about an “ice man” so often that his family ended up locking him in a mental asylum, likely to be forgotten about. Which is sad. But we won’t be getting into the medical mistreatment of the mentally ill in Bayverse, now will we? That’s just Too Deep™.

Sam’s teacher didn’t very much appreciate having his class be turned into an episode of Antiques Roadshow, but still gives Sam an “A” on the project, despite it being a very poor report that lasted all of two minutes. I suspect the teacher has tenure, and therefore no longer gives a shit about academic integrity. This “A” means that Sam’s father will buy him a car.

Which is nice, I suppose, if I gave a damn.

Sam’s father, Ron, picks up his son in a car he probably bought at the crux of his midlife crisis, in a green that reminds me of a school gymnasium floor, then plays a prank on his child by pretending to pull into the Porsche dealership. Sam isn’t getting a Porsche, which is good, because he doesn’t deserve one. As Sam gripes to his father, a yellow Camaro drives by oh so conspicuously. Wonder what’s up with that.

Instead of the Porshe dealership, they head over to the used car lot, which is being run by Bobby Bolivia, who spends his time yelling at his employees and wanting to murder his mother. Sam is incredibly ungrateful about the fact that his dad is helping him get a car, even though it’s his FIRST car, and nobody gets a nice one the first go around. Or, at least, they shouldn’t, given the statistics about accidents with young drivers.

“No sacrifice, no victory” is uttered by Ron, which is the family motto, or so he claims. Archibald Witwicky said the same thing when he had multiple people dying trying to get to the Arctic Circle, so there’s precedence for the phrase, but we’ll see how it holds up throughout the film.

Bobby Bolivia shows Sam and Ron the cars he has for sale, and Sam is immediately drawn to the yellow Camaro in the lot, though there’s a small problem- it’s too expensive for what he and his father agreed to. Also, nobody knows where the hell it came from, so paperwork might be an issue. When Bobby tries to show Sam the yellow Beetle they have right down the line, everything explodes, because this is a Bay film, and fuck the original material this movie was based on. Bobby lets them have the Camaro for a lower price, suddenly fearful of whatever strange powers have just visited his place of business. “The car picks the driver” is suddenly more than a bullshit line to spout off in order to sell cars, and I’m certain that’s shaken the poor man.

Over in Washington, D.C., the Secretary of Defense prepares to address just what the hell happened in Qatar, lamenting on how young the audience he’s going to be speaking to is. In particular, he’s referring to the two dweebs and the hot chick sitting in one of the rows. All the women in this movie who aren’t someone’s mom are made up to be very pretty. And not even in a realistic way. But we’ll get to that in a bit.

So, the military network was hacked. That’s bad. Nobody knows who did it. That’s also bad. The only lead the US has is a soundbite, which is the signal that hacked the network.

Everyone here at the briefing is going to be helping to figure this mess out. This is great, if you like looking at Rachael Taylor for a few seconds at a time, and can compartmentalize hard enough to make that worth the effort of watching this godforsaken film.

Back at the Witwicky household, we meet Mojo, a chihuahua with a cast that doesn’t seem like it’s actually doing anything. I wish he was the main character instead of Sam.

Sam arrives home from the dealership, and says “alright, Mojo, I’ve got the car. Now I need the girl.”

As if ownership of a person is something to aspire to.

As if women are property to be owned.

As if women aren’t people, but rather commodities.

We’re 17.5 minutes into this film.

We’re introduced to Judy, Sam’s mother. She’s shrill, and annoying. This is by design, because none of the women in this film are actually people, but rather archetypes to bounce off of the male characters.

Sam and his father have a moment of what some might consider banter, then Sam gets huffy with his mom over gender roles for the dog. I, for one, think Mojo looks positively dashing in his bedazzled collar, and to hell with whatever Sam says to the contrary.

Sam drives off to go be a misogynist, with the promise to be back by 11PM.

Over in Qatar, the soldiers and that little boy are running from the attack on their base, as Lennox’s wife watches a public announcement on the matter back at home. The Secretary of Defense lets us know that we’re at DEFCON Delta at this point. Lennox Jr. cries, and all I can think about is how they probably pinched that baby to make that happen. They pinched a baby for Transformers (2007).

The soldiers in Qatar talk about shit they have no idea about, Sergeant Epps going on about somehow having been able to see a forcefield around Blackout through his super special binoculars. I don’t know how, or why, he knows this. I don’t know anything anymore.

Ed Sheeran has his doubts about this whole thing, and Lennox is also present in the scene, because I guess he’s important. Through a bit of dramatic irony, Fig- the guy everyone was making fun of for being bilingual at the start of the film- says that this probably isn’t over, as the shape of Scorponok shifts through the sand just beyond them.

Epps is having a minor crisis over the fact that Blackout saw him, but we don’t have time for that, because we’ve got to get to cover. The lads decide to head to the little Qatari boy’s house. Again, I wonder why he was at the base at all, considering that it seems like they’ve been traveling for a good portion of the day.

Back with Sam, he’s picked up his friend Miles, and together they’re going to a lake party. Are they invited to this party? Yes, but also no. It’s public property though, so it should be fine. As they park, Sam notices that Mikaela is here, which is great for him.

Mikaela’s boyfriend, Trent- whose name I had to look up- is a massive tool, and starts pestering the two boys for daring to exist in his airspace. Miles climbs a tree. I’m glad he’s having fun, at least. Sam makes a joke at the expense of people with brain injuries, and this for some reason? Warrants a shot of Mikaela making the blank “pretty girl” face? In response?

Mikaela saves Sam from becoming a wet stain on the grass, which is very kind of her, and more than Sam really deserves. Trent, his boys, and Mikaela start to head off for another party, to get away from Sam and his tree-loving friend. Mikaela offers to drive, and Trent says that she can’t handle his truck, because she’s a ~girl~. This causes Mikaela to ditch him, and start walking home.

The script knows enough about misogyny to know that this would be a nice “take that”. Michael Bay, however, likely fails to see why everything he did with said script involving this character is a goddamned problem.

Because Mikaela, bless her heart, has a lot of problems.

Let’s start with the outfit: a croptop, a jean skirt that BARELY covers her ass, and a pair of wedge heels that are at least four inches tall. On a character that is, at oldest, freshly 18.

Look, I’m all about self-expression and the freedom to choose how you dress for yourself and yourself alone, but this clearly isn’t that. This is a character, not a person, whose wardrobe was designed for the straight male gaze. She’s wearing fucking STRAP HEELS to the lake. This is about oogling. This is about reducing a whole-ass person to the same status as a piece of meat. In fact, who was on wardrobe for this? I’d like to have a few words with-

A woman? Okay, well, what else has she worked on?

You can’t be fucking serious.

ANYWAY.

Miles just called Mikaela an “evil jock concubine.” I don’t like Miles anymore.

As Mikaela walks down the road, strutting hard enough that I’ve got sympathy pains in my hips, the radio in the Camaro turns on, playing “Drive” by the Cars, and giving Sam a hell of an idea; he’s gonna drive Mikaela home, so she doesn’t have to walk the 10 miles to her house. Why he knows how far she lives from the lake isn’t addressed.

Sam kicks Miles out of the car and goes to give Mikaela a ride, which she accepts after a bit of self-deliberation, and also him making an ass of himself. The shot here is framed with Sam like he’s a normal-ass person, and Mikaela from her breasts to the top of her waist. Because of COURSE it is.

She hops in the car and then goes off about her taste in hot guys. Which is weird, and out of left field. Sam is about as confused as I am, then continues to make a fool of himself. This is his nature as a person. Mikaela has no idea who Sam is, even though they’ve gone to the same school for the last 10 years and have multiple classes together. And the fact that she was staring him down all through his genealogy presentation. And at the lake.

This movie isn’t very well thought out, I feel.

It’s at this point the the Camaro turns the key on itself and starts to sputter out and die, as “Sexual Healing” by Marvin Gaye pops on the radio.

I don’t like how this car is trying to get Sam laid.

I don’t like how this car is trying to get Sam laid with a girl who didn’t even know his name five minutes ago.

I don’t like how this car knows what sex is.

The Camaro breaks down on a cliff, and Mikaela hops out to work on the engine, and also to get the hell away from Sam’s sputtering.

As Mikaela admires the sweet engine in this Camaro, showing off her knowledge of cars, we get several shots of her from her breasts to her thighs, while Sam is treated like an actual person. Don’t bother trying to play it off as an artistic choice, Bay, this is blatant horndogging. This adds to NOTHING, other than my ire.

Sam says more stupid shit, and Mikaela, who must be the nicest fucking person in the world, just tells him to fire up the engine so she can try to sort out the problem. Then he asks why she goes for jackasses like Trent, and she decides that she’s hit her limit for today, opting to walk the rest of the way home. Good on you, Mikaela. Don’t take Sam’s bullshit.

Sam, realizing that he’s put his foot in his mouth for the 80th time today, pleads with his Camaro to do him a solid and work, and this actually works out for him. Great. Sam, victorious, once again offers Mikaela a ride, which she, once again, takes.

He drops her off without further incident, and she thanks him for listening. Even though they didn’t really talk that much. I dunno, maybe they had a super deep conversation offscreen. Mikaela asks Sam if he thinks she’s shallow, because clearly all women need approval from the men around them, and Sam says that there’s more to her than meets the eye.

Which made me groan aloud.

Anyway, she gets inside without a problem, and Sam professes his love for his new Camaro for allowing him to talk to a girl. Or at least talk at her.

Back in Washington, D.C., at the Pentagon National Military Command Center, we’re making weirdly racist calls on who hacked the military.

Up with Air Force One, a conspicuous boombox transforms into a robot, and then runs off to hack shit. The President of the United States requests some snack cakes. A flight attendant goes down to storage to retrieve said snack cakes, and finds that boombox in the elevator with her. Considering this is Air Force One, you’d perhaps expect her to immediately be suspicious of such a thing, but this is Bayverse, and we don’t think here.

The flight attendant brings the boombox down with her and places it on the counter as she goes to get the presidential snack cakes. The boombox immediately disappears. Now, you’d perhaps expect her to immediately be suspicious of such a thing, but this is Bayverse-

The flight attendant opens up the snack cake package, for some reason, and drops the cake on the floor. She then proceeds to eat it, and then act shocked when it tastes like floor. There’s a robot in her fucking line of sight, and you’d perhaps expect her to immediately be suspicious of such a thing-

She leaves to go feed the President floor cakes, and our little robot friend gets to work stealing government secrets. He, if nothing else, looks pretty cool doing it. He’s a very pointy lad.

Back at the Pentagon, Maddie- Rachael Taylor’s character- can hear the hacking. This sends everyone into a panic, because, well, that shouldn’t be happening. The hacking noise is a direct match to the one from Qatar, so that’s obviously a problem.

Back on Air Force One, our little robot friend is looking for “Project Iceman”, which he very quickly finds, and downloads everything they’ve got on it, and also plants a virus. The process seems to be… doing things to him. It’s weird. This movie is weird.

The Pentagon cuts all the system hardlines, stopping the process, but it’s too late- he got what he wanted, just about. Two security personnel come into the room, and the robot kills them both with some spinning blade disc nonsense. Air Force One is forced to land for the safety of everyone on-board. More security detail comes in to deal with the little bastard, but he transforms into a boombox and sits on a shelf to avoid suspicion. Now, you’d perhaps expect-

With the plane grounded, our robot is able to walk his little ass over to a cop car. And when I say walk, I do mean walk; this fucker is in multiple folks’ line of sight and nobody notices a thing. When he enters the car, he’s greeted by the mustachioed driver- the same driver who was operating the helicopter at the beginning of the film. This mustache man is a holographic avatar, one that’s being used by all the Decepticons.

We get our first real taste of Cybertronian language, as our robot- it’s Frenzy, his name is Frenzy- lets everyone know that he’s found a clue to the location of the AllSpark, and, through the power of the internet, knows where to find the guy who’s gonna give them what they need.

Three guesses to who it is, and the first two don’t count.

Back at the Witwicky household, Sam’s car does a runner in the middle of the night. Sam, horrified that his property is being stolen, pursues on a bike, screaming at his dad to call the cops. Sam also calls the cops, as he tears through the neighborhood.

The Camaro breaks into an abandoned building, Sam follows, and we finally get a shot of our audience appeal character. Sam watches in disbelief as a giant yellow space robot shines a beacon into the sky, then makes a video on his flip phone recording the experience. He apologizes to his parents for owning pornographic magazines, and goes to face his probable demise.

However, death does not come from above, instead manifesting itself as two of the strongest junkyard dogs in the known universe, who break their brick-inlaid chains to get at this little dip of a man. Sam is chased through the yard, climbing on top of a couple precarious oil drums, even though there’s a ladder, like, right there. The Camaro rolls in, scaring off the dogs, and Sam bolts, throwing the keys to his ride at his ride. When he gets outside, the cops have arrived, and immediately arrest him.

Back with the US government, the Secretary of State is having a conversation about all the bullshit that just went down with Air Force One. He and his fellow cishet old white men discuss their options, until Maddie comes in to set them straight on some of the facts. They act all indignant about it, because women can’t be smart, right?

Right???

RIGHT??????????

RIGH-

Anyway, we get a weird little deflection of Maddie’s role in everything, because a woman is nothing without the men around her, then she brings up the point that the bullshit that happened on Air Force One went down in just a few seconds, which isn’t something that anyone can actually do. She brings up quantum mechanics, which everyone blows off as nonsense- not that I wouldn’t as well- and theorizes on a DNA-based computer, which is technically a thing, if not trapped in the realm of speculation. It’s at this point that the Secretary of Defense tells her to come back when she can back these wild claims up, and isn’t just clearly spitballing.

And then he snaps his fingers at her, and any point he might have had leaves my brain so I have more room for being enraged.

Back with Sam, we’re at the police station talking to the cops. His dad is here, and Sam is trying to explain that his car is a dude. Even though he took at a video (one that was likely crap, given how quickly he spun his phone around to show off what he was seeing) the cops, understandably, don’t believe him. Then one of them, not so understandably, starts… threatening Sam? With his sidearm? And daring him to try something? This isn’t any sort of statement on the corruption of American law enforcement, it’s just bizarre.

Back in Qatar, our soldier buddies have found a telephone line, and are going to try to use it to get in contact with the rest of the world. It’s just too bad that Scorponok’s decided to make an entrance, and knock said telephone line the hell down. Ed Sheeran has next to no reaction to this, despite it happening maybe ten feet behind him. Fig speaks Spanish, and Ed Sheeran makes a point to be an asshole about it.

Scorponok is about to stab Lennox with his very pointy tail, when Epps notices- finally, someone with peripheral vision- and starts shooting. Then everyone starts shooting, kicking up enough sand to blind themselves, as Scorponok scuttles away, buries himself, then reappears behind Ed Sheeran.

Ed Sheeran does not survive this experience.

The others bolt, not wanting the same to happen to them, and for the fourth time I wonder just why the hell this young boy was at the base in the first place.

Off in the distance, the community of a nearby town wonders just what the shit is going on out in the desert. Our soldiers run into the town, and everyone gets their guns and start firing on Scorponok, who retaliates, because why the hell wouldn’t he?

Lennox demands that the young boy take him to his father, and proceeds to borrow his phone. As shit goes down outside, we have a sort-of gag where Lennox is trying to contact the Pentagon, while a telemarketer tries to get him to buy a phone package. In order for this call to go through, he’s going to need a credit card. This is where the well-known “pocket” scene comes from, as Lennox searches Epps’ pants for his wallet as he fires on Scorponok. It’s probably the best-written thing in this whole film.

With the credit card acquired, Lennox finally gets through to the Pentagon, and tosses Epps the phone so he can talk. Maybe he’s got anxiety about speaking on the phone, I dunno.

Scorponok shows off his disregard for historical architecture, blowing up several buildings, and the US government just watches this all go down. One of the actors in this scene looks like my dad, and it trips me up every time he’s on screen. Anyway, now the Pentagon knows about the giant space robots running around in Qatar. They send over some air support about it. All this manages to do is piss Scorponok off.

So they try it again.

This time it works, sort of.

At the very least, he’s left now.

Tail fell off, though.

Also, Fig’s been grievously wounded. The others, for once, don’t make fun of his native language while they help him hold his blood inside his body.

Back at the Pentagon, Maddie’s looking to prove that the bullshit that’s been going on is of the sci-fi variety, and in order to do that, she’s going to need a little outside help. She takes the information from the Pentagon, slaps it into an SD card, hides that shit in her blush compact, and then runs out the door to Glenn Whitmann’s house. Or, rather, his grandma’s house.

Glenn is a hacker, and shouldn’t be seeing anything that Maddie’s brought him, but everyone knows that confidentiality is for nerds, so whatever.

Back at the Pentagon, Maddie’s immediately been caught. It’s almost like slapping the military network onto an SD card maybe wasn’t such a hot idea. But what do I know?

Glenn takes a look at the soundbite and figures out that there’s a code embedded in the thing in about two seconds. Good to know our tax dollars are being well-spent on the US military, that some dude in his jammies can figure this shit out faster than a whole team of analysts. They figure out that “Project Iceman” is involved with this somehow, and also the existence of Sector Seven. It’s at this point that the FBI busts in. Good. I kind of want Maddie to go to jail for this, because she was about as stupid as she could be handling the situation.

Glenn’s cousin goes through a closed glass door- don’t worry, it’s tempered- and there’s a weird cut before that exact same shot continues, and he’s tackled into the pool. There was no reason for that to have happened, but here we are.

Back with Sam, we’re treated to him in his boxers, shooting basketballs in his room. He goes into the kitchen, where Mojo is standing on a stool. It’s a very tall stool, the sort you sit on, and he’s just… there. I don’t know how he got there. There’s no one else in the room besides Sam, and I know he didn’t put him there.

Clearly this must mean Mojo is God, and being on that stool is his divine will. I will be approaching the rest of the franchise with this in mind, because it’s clearly the only answer.

Our merciful Lord Mojo jumps up on the kitchen counter and begins growling at something through the window. Sam looks out… the opposite window… to find that his Camaro has returned to him, and is less than thrilled about it, to put it lightly. He drops a jug of milk- luckily it was mostly empty, given the sound it makes when it hits the floor- and gives his buddy Miles a call. You remember Miles, don’t you? If you don’t, it’s fine, because he reestablishes his quirkiness with a single shot, as he sits in a swimsuit and bathes his huge-ass dog in a kiddie pool, and answers the phone with a headset he just happened to be wearing. He must get a lot of calls during Dog Washing Hours.


After giving us one of the most intense voice cracks I’ve ever heard, Sam books it out of his house, hopping on a bike to escape his murderous Camaro. He’s not seen the thing commit any murders, mind you, but he seems pretty convinced that it would do the job, given half a chance. Also, this isn’t the bike he rode the night before; that one is likely being chewed on by those strong-ass junkyard dogs. No, for some reason, the Witwickys have a pastel pink girl’s bike, with the fun little handle tassels and the basket and everything. As far as I can tell, Sam is an only child, and if you think Bay’s going to allow for a teenage boy to have the vulnerability to own a pink bike, you’ve not been paying attention for the last 48.5 minutes.

The Camaro gives chase, rolling after Sam on his bike at a brisk 7 MPH down the friggin’ sidewalk, one of the only scenes in this travesty of a film to actually get me to crack a smile. Sam races through town until city planning puts a stop to him, through the magic of using chunks of cement to decorate the mulch around their trees. He crashes his bike, faceplants into the concrete in front of Mikaela, and promptly dies, thus ending the film.

No, he doesn’t die. I just told a fib. I’m sorry.

Instead, he does a flip and lands on his back, likely receiving a concussion, in front of Mikaela and her friends. Her friends laugh, because everyone hates Sam, as they should, and Mikaela says that what he just did was “really awesome.” Don’t try to be nice, Mikaela, this is Sam we’re talking about; you could stick the dude in the freezer overnight and he still wouldn’t be even remotely cool.

Sam gets back to the whole “running away from a car” deal, and Mikaela decides that this is the sort of thing she’d like to do with her day, so she ditches her friends in the middle of their scheduled Burger King™ time to go see what the hell Sam’s on about.

As Sam is chased by the Camaro who is being chased by Mikaela on her motorized scooter, a cop becomes involved, tearing through the streets to join this ridiculous game of tag. Now, we’ve seen two different flavor of cop so far- the mustachioed avatar cop car that picked up Frenzy from the airport, and the dude who threatened a teenage boy with a gun after accusing him of being under the influence of drugs. Either way, I don’t think this is going to turn out well for Sam.

Sam’s cornered himself under one of those really wide bridges where people can park their cars, which wasn’t terribly smart, but it’s Sam, so this is about par for the course. The Camaro manages to miss him, but the cop car does not. Sam is actually pretty cool with the cops being here, as if they could do anything about “Satan’s Camaro.” I guess he didn’t see the decal on the side of this car that says “to punish and enslave…”

Sam attempts to approach the car for help, and gets clotheslined by a car door for his troubles. He hits his head on the pavement, certainly exasperating the brain injury he received not ten minutes ago. Still, he continues to try to talk to the holographic avatar through the windshield, revealing that the bike he’s been riding is his mother’s. Mystery solved, I suppose.

The cop car doesn’t much appreciate being slapped on the hood, and begins to rev violently at Sam, threatening to run him over several times. Then it explodes into being a robot. Sam, who’s seen a lot of really weird shit in the last 24 hours, nopes out of the situation. It’s at this point that I realize he’s wearing a shirt for the band the Strokes. I don’t know why that stuck out to me, but it did. Guess my brain needed something to latch onto during all this.

Sam is running as fast as his little legs allow, as our newest robot friend takes up a leisurely jog to keep pace. Then he kicks Sam. He kicks Sam’s body like the football. This, of course, instantly turns Sam into a bag of jelly and kills him, thus ending the film.

No, he doesn’t die. I just told another fib. I’m sorry.

Sam somehow survives being punted by a giant metal leg and lands in the windshield of a car that doesn’t turn into a robot. Then he gets yelled at by the cop car. This is Barricade, a member of the Decepticons, and Sam’s got something he wants. Or, should I say “LadiesMan217” has something he wants.

LadiesMan217 is Sam’s Ebay username. This is both stupid because no teenage boy existing beyond the year 1985 would have ever called himself that, and also because it’s just stupid.

Barricade wants the glasses Sam presented for his genealogy report, and he wants them NOW. Seeing as the thing he wants is for sale, and nobody had been bidding on it, one would wonder why Barricade and his associates didn’t just try to purchase them like upstanding citizens. Perhaps Decepticons don’t understand the concept of money, or perhaps they don’t have a stable address to have the glasses shipped to. Or perhaps nobody considered that angle when the script was being put together. Who can say?

Sam gets back to running away from Barricade, we see where Mikaela got to, and the two of them collide. Sam rips Mikaela off of her scooter, and they both fall to the ground. Mikaela, who did not buckle the clasp on her helmet, asks Sam what his fucking problem is. Then his problem shows up, and they take a very long time to get up so they can run. So long, in fact, that the Camaro has to swing in to save them. After much pleading from Sam, Mikaela gets inside Satan’s Camaro, and the two of them are whisked away to safety. Barricade pursues, and then the butt rock starts.

There’s a lot of screaming and yelling, the Camaro busts through a window and several shelves in an abandoned building, there’s some drifting, and then suddenly it’s nighttime. Barricade somehow got in front of the Camaro, and is circling like a shark. The Camaro locks the two teenagers inside itself, though I suppose they could climb out through the still-open windows if they really wanted to. The Camaro cuts the engine off, then cuts it back on and bolts for the exit, and this somehow tricks Barricade long enough for them to get past.

The Camaro dumps Mikaela and Sam out one of the doors and then transforms into that yellow space robot we saw a bit ago. It’s Bumblebee! Nearly an hour in, and we finally get a proper look at the little bastard. I guess that’s what happens when you spend the first 20-something minutes on being xenophobic and appealing to the focus groups that think it’s fine sexualize high schoolers.

Bumblebee- no, he’s not introduced himself yet, but I just can’t keep calling him “the Camaro” anymore- comes out of his transformation ready to square the fuck up. Barricade throws himself at Bumblebee, they roll around on the ground for a bit, then things start sparking and exploding, because this is a Michael Bay film. Frenzy jumps out and starts chasing down Mikaela and Sam, while Bumblebee and Barricade murder death punch each other. Frenzy manages to grab Sam by the ankles, drag him to the ground, and rip his pants off. Not sure how that happened, considering he’s still got his shoes on.

While Sam’s busy being chased by a sentient pile of safety pins, Mikaela’s taken it upon herself to be proactive about her survival, and is raiding a nearby building for power tools. She sprints out holding an electric jig saw and saves Sam by decapitating Frenzy. If you know anything about Transformers, then you know this doesn’t actually kill Frenzy, but good on her for being a badass. Why couldn’t Mikaela be our main character again? Oh, right, because she’s a ~girl~.

Sam punts Frenzy’s head, like, 50 yards, which seems like something he shouldn’t be able to do, given that he’s a massive weenie, but there you are. With that out of the way, Sam takes Mikaela’s hand and they run off to go watch the giant robot fight. The bottom of Frenzy’s head turns into a spider and he crawls his way over to Mikaela’s purse. He’s gonna steal her gum, the fiend!

Mikaela and Sam have, unfortunately, missed the giant robot fight, which means that we, as the audience, have also missed the giant robot fight. Which is unbelievably stupid, seeing as everyone who has ever watched this movie came for the GIANT GODDAMN ROBOTS.

Mikaela asks just who the hell the yellow robot is, I guess because she’s finally had a second to process what the hell’s going on. Sam claims that he’s a super-advanced robot, “probably from Japan.” Whether or not this is a reference to the Japanese origins of the original toy line isn’t clear, though somehow I think it’s more xenophobia. Sam also makes the claim that if Bumblebee had intended to hurt them, he would have done it by now. This is quite the jump from a few hours ago, when he was calling the poor guy “Satan’s Camaro.”

Sam finally, finally asks Bumblebee what his deal is, and we get our first taste of the Bayverse Bumblebee Gimmick. The Gimmick here is that, due to an injury to his vocal processing, Bumblebee cannot communicate through traditional means, i.e. speech. Because of this, he instead strings together sentences by flicking through the radio frequencies and choosing key words. This can lead to some interesting audio design, like describing his fellow Autobots to “rain down like visitors form heaven, Hallelujah!” because a radio sermon fit what he was trying to say best.

This gimmick is one that has been used in other pieces of Transformers media, at least in part. Bumblebee is unable to speak traditionally in Transformers: Prime, and instead communicates in beeps and clicks that his teammates can understand, but not so much the humans, save for Raf. In Bumblebee (2018), the idea was used whole-cloth, with the injury resulting in his inability to speak happening on-camera within the first 10 minutes of the movie, and the idea of “expressing oneself through music” being introduced by his human companion Charlie Watson.

All in all, I rather like the idea going on here; it’s an interesting part of his character that opens up for a lot of interesting and creative moments.

It’s just too bad it was introduced in fucking Bayverse.

But yeah, anyway, the other Autobots are coming to Earth. Shit’s gonna be lit.

Bumblebee turns back into a Camaro, and Sam uses the power of FOMO to get Mikaela to go in the car with him. We get a shot of Barricade fucking dying on the side of the road. Frenzy murders Mikaela’s phone, and then steals its identity, including the little bejeweled heart stickers. Good thing Mikaela remembered to go get her purse, otherwise he probably would have felt very silly doing that.

Mikaela refuses to sit in the driver’s seat, seeing as she now knows Sam’s car is sentient, and sort of feels weird about this whole thing. Sam suggests that she sit in his lap instead, as the camera angles to give us a peek at the cup of Mikaela’s bra. When asked why the hell she should do such a thing, Sam says it’s a concern about her safety, given that the middle console of the car does not have a seatbelt. Sam either fails to recognize that seatbelts going over two layered bodies won’t save either of them in the event of a crash, or he’s just trying to make an excuse to have a pretty girl in his lap.

Given what movie this is, I’m going to guess it’s the latter.

Mikaela has a similar line of thought, but scoots over anyway, saying that the seatbelt line was a “smooth move”. It wasn’t, but if I picked apart every single bad line Sam had in this film, I’d be here all day.

Mikaela questions Bumblebee’s taste in alt-mode, which offends him to the point of dumping both her and Sam out in the street and driving away. He returns, moments later, as a sleek new Camaro, that I’m sure some car aficionados would call “sexy.”

Bumblebee’s alt-mode is a 2009 Chevrolet Camaro, of which there were none during the time of filming. It was put together for this movie in roughly five weeks. Sam is blown away by the fact that he now owns a car that does not currently exist in his universe. Mikaela is impressed, or at least she would be, if women were allowed to show that emotion in a non-horny way in a Bay film.

Judy doesn’t count.

As Bumblebee breaks into yet another restricted area, we get a shot of the Earth from orbit, as several objects rocket towards the planet. Sam and Mikaela watch the Autobots burn up in the atmosphere, and Mikaela tries to hold Sam’s hand as they do, and it’s at this point that I have to address how much I hate these two’s dynamic.

I don’t give a single solitary shit about this romance, because A) it’s poorly written, B) Mikaela could do infinitely better than Sam, C) I dislike Sam so very much, D) Mikaela, who is a way more interesting character, got placed on friggin’ love interest duty because ~girl~, and E) it’s useless padding to try and make me care about what’s happening here, and I just DON’T. I do NOT care about whether these two get together or not.

We see the Autobots crash-land, three out of four of them causing massive amounts of property damage and possibly killing at least one person. Their stasis pods crack open, and they each climb out, completely naked and in desperate need of clothing to hide their shame. With a quick scan of nearby vehicles, they’re once again decent to be seen in public.

Bumblebee drives the kids out to what I can only assume is the warehouse district he sent that beacon out in, as our collection of good guys finally come together at long last. A massive Peterbilt semi-truck stops directly in front of Mikaela and Sam.

We’re over an hour into this film, and we’re just now getting to the quintessential Transformer, Optimus Prime himself.

In the original cartoon, Optimus’s alt-mode was what’s known as a cabover truck, one where the cab- where the driver sits- is seated directly over the engine. These were popular during the days when maximum truck-lengths were much shorter than they are currently. This is why when you look at height charts for Optimus over various continuities, his G1 cartoon counterpart much shorter than his other iterations.

Modern trucks are longer, and don’t need the cab to sit on top of the engine to save on space. The designers chose to use a Peterbilt to make sure that Optimus would have an imposing stature when compared to his fellow Autobots.

Because heaven forbid we not have heightism come into play in this film.

Our Autobots transform, and say what you will about these bastards being visually incomprehensible, the transformations themselves are cool as hell. My personal favorite is Jazz’s, where he does a cool windmill into his root mode.

Optimus crouches like he’s looking at a cool bug on the sidewalk and addresses Sam by name. He doesn’t even acknowledge Mikaela, which I find to be a bit rude, but whatever. He then introduces himself as the leader of the Autobots.

Peter Cullen is back as the voice for Optimus Prime, sounding wonderful as always. He almost wasn’t brought on for this project, because Michael Bay didn’t want him. If the fans hadn’t thrown a hissyfit, who knows who we would have gotten to be our space dad for the next hour and a half?

This is actually an issue that’s recurred several times in the last few years, and not just with Cullen; Frank Welker, the voice of Megatron, as well as many other Transformers, has been refused roles within Transformers properties. In general, this is because both Cullen and Welker are union actors, and Hasbro would prefer to hire sound-alikes than pay more money for the originals. This isn’t to shame the non-union actors, goodness no, just to merely point out less-than-fantastic business practices.

I realize there have been a lot of tangents, but you have to understand that I am suffering as I do this.

Optimus then introduces his team- there’s Jazz, whose first line is “What’s crackin’ little bitches?”, Ironhide, who incorrectly quotes Dirty Harry, and Ratchet, who calls out just how obnoxiously horny Sam’s character is. We also finally get Bumblebee’s name.

Mikaela asks the very good question of why the fuck the Autobots are here on Earth. Optimus explains that the AllSpark is here, and they’ve got to get to it before Megatron does. He then goes on to explain who Megatron is, stating that he “betrayed” the Cybertronian empire.

No, how exactly he did that isn’t addressed. We’ll just have to take Optimus’s word, I suppose.

If you’ve sussed out by this point the the AllSpark and the Cube™ are the same thing, congrats! You win. Megatron followed the AllSpark to Earth, where he promptly was neutralized by the cold of the Arctic circle. This was 110 years prior to the events of this film, and where Archibald Witwicky came in to the story.

When the expedition was happening, Archibald fell through the ice during a collapse, and ended up finding Megatron’s frozen body in an ice cave. He went poking around on this strange metal giant, and ended up activating Megatron’s navigation systems, which imprinted the coordinates of the AllSpark onto Archibald’s glasses.

Don’t ask how that works, it just does.

So, the Autobots need the glasses, so they can find the AllSpark before the Decepticons do, so those guys don’t use it to build an army out of Earth’s machines, which will destroy humanity.

Sounds simple enough, let’s go get that vision correction device!

Back with the military dudes, everyone’s taking a gander at the tail that Scorponok left behind. They theorize that the metal that makes up these giant murder-robots reacts to extreme heat, but elaboration on that point will have to wait, because the tail has begun to flail. They quickly strap it down, then call the military to let them know to strap anti-tank guns onto anything that’s going to be approaching any giant robots.

Meanwhile, in an interrogation room, Maddie and Glen have been left to sweat a bit. Glen takes to stress-eating, while framing it as a psychological tactic to subconsciously prove his innocence to the FBI.

This is a fat joke, with the added nasty layer of Glen being a black man about to be interrogated by one of the most intimidating white cops I’ve seen in a hot minute.

Glen immediately folds, pinning all the blame on Maddie, and claiming that he’s been a perfect angel his whole life. We get some weird purity culture out of him, before Maddie lets the FBI know that she needs to talk to the Secretary of Defense, NOW.

Over at the Witwicky household, Sam’s parents are watching the news, trying to find out what all those loud crashes were about. Optimus Prime drives down their residential street, the rest of the gang in tow, then they all park to wait for Sam to go get the glasses.

For about 20 seconds.

Sam has to physically hold the door shut to prevent his father from coming out and seeing several very tall robots from outer space tip-toeing around his freshly-landscaped yard, I guess because they got antsy. Optimus plods around on the grass and breaks a fountain, and our benevolent god Mojo comes out of the house, assuredly to smite the leader of the Autobots.

Mikaela runs onto the scene, and Sam chastises her for not controlling the robots who didn’t even acknowledge her existence, outside of pointing out Sam was sexually attracted to her.

Mojo pees on Ironhide’s foot, which prompts Ironhide to threaten to shoot the creature. This is why Ironhide isn’t getting into heaven. Sam, one of Mojo’s chosen few, claims that the mortal shell of his god is seen as a beloved pet by many humans. Sam runs into the house, before Mojo can incur his divine wrath on the Autobots.

While Sam goes to get the glasses, the Autobots decide to do a little peeping on the house, watching his parents watch TV. Sam tears his room apart trying to find the glasses, and Optimus thinks that it would be helpful if he brought Mikaela up to help look. It’s at this point that I realize that Sam has an utterly bizarre fish tank.

I mean, legitimately, what the fuck is this? No filter, no plants, might not even have any rocks on the bottom. Is this a comically oversized bong Sam threw a couple fish into? What the fuck.

Mikaela starts looking for the glasses, running into what is likely a box of porn mags, then they both look out the window to find that the Autobots have decided to hide in plain sight by transforming... in the middle of Sam’s backyard. Amazing work, gentlemen.

Sam finally convinces the Autobots to go sit in the alley and wait, only for Ratchet to run into a power line and trip into a greenhouse. The resulting impact is interpreted as an earthquake. Judy does not have the reaction one might expect from someone who’s lived in California for at least ten years.

Ratchet’s fine, by the way.

The power cuts out, and Ron goes up to check on his son, because he’s at least a halfway-decent father. Ratchet’s shining a light to aid in the search for the glasses. Sam’s parents notice this bright light, and bang on Sam’s door to see what’s up.

Sam quickly hides Mikaela and then attempts to salvage the situation, answering the door and trying to control the narrative. Unfortunately, Ron is far too inquisitive for Sam to do this, and then Judy asks if Sam was masturbating.

Judy, is privacy just not a thing to you? Because if not, it really ought to be.

She keeps going with it too, trying to come up with code words, until another one of the Autobots trips and causes Ron to panic again, climbing into Sam’s ancient claw-foot bathtub to protect himself. He looks out the window to check on his beloved yard, lamenting that the earthquake tore it up.

Ironhide is strongly considering killing Sam’s parents. Optimus tells him that they don’t harm humans, and also begins to wonder if he made a mistake bringing this guy along.

Back in Sam’s room, it’s becoming increasingly obvious that Sam is an absolutely terrible liar, and Mikaela reveals herself, if only to prevent Judy from trying to talk about self-pleasure again. Of course, now she gets to be subjected to both of Sam’s parents objectifying her, so this might be a lose-lose situation.

Sam is reminded that his backpack is in the kitchen, just in time for the government to show up at his house. Mikaela makes a comment about Judy being nice. I suppose on a surface level, yes, being told that you’re gorgeous by someone’s mom is nice. I do have to question the context that compliment took place in, however.

Sam’s about to hand the glasses over to the Autobots, when someone rings the doorbell. It’s Sector Seven, and they’re here to talk to Sam about his stolen car being part of an issue involving national security. Ron and Judy are more concerned about their yard being torn up, Judy yelling that they “need to get their hands off [her] bush.”

We still have another hour of this movie.

The agent leading this mission asks Sam to come with him for questioning, which his parents are very much against. Mojo also voices his displeasure, but it would seem that Agent Simmons is not a follower of the Tenets of Mojo. Sam gets geigered, and his readings are high enough for Sector Seven to take him and everyone in this house into custody.

As Sam and Mikaela are riding in the back of the car, Simmons brings up Sam’s Ebay account, and also the phone video he took of Bumblebee earlier in the week. Mikaela is rather unimpressed with Sam at the moment, probably because he’s gotten her arrested. She still tries to help him out though, because she really is just the nicest fucking person on the planet.

Alas, the combined efforts of these two teenagers isn’t enough to fool the long arm of the law, especially when it’s a branch of said law that deals with extraterrestrial activity. Simmons threatens to lock up these literal children for life if they don’t start talking. Mikaela isn’t taking the bait, so he goes after her father’s parole hearing instead.

Yep! As it turns out, Mikaela and her father stole cars to get by, and she’s got the record to back that claim up. Simmons calls her a criminal, then says that criminals are hot. Mikaela looks like she’s about to cry, and I don’t blame her in the slightest.

Optimus, I suppose because his dad senses were tingling, takes the opportunity to place his leg in the road for the car to run into, then grabs said car like an unruly cat and lifts it until the roof rips off due to stress. The agents in the other cars pile out and point their guns at the giant space robot. The rest of the Autobots quickly relieve them of their weapons.

Optimus notes that Simmons doesn’t seem surprised that a bunch of giant robots just took all his guys’ guns, and demands that he exit the vehicle, posthaste. Simmons obliges, after a bit more prodding. Mikaela undoes Sam’s handcuffs, and he gets fucking pissy about it, as if this girl he’s had a grand total of three (awkward) conversations with should have told him something as personal as “hey, so my dad’s in jail and I’ve been to juvenile detention.”

Luckily, she doesn’t let him get away with it, calling him out as the spoiled, self-centered, privileged little shithead that he is.

Of course, we don’t get any sort of real acknowledgement from Sam, having to move on with the plot. Perhaps, if we hadn’t spent the last hour and 20 minutes faffing about on drivel, we could have had Sam get an actual moment of self-reflection, and potentially even character growth. However, this is Bayverse, and everyone knows that personal accountability is for fucking sissies.

Mikaela and Sam ask several questions, but get no answers from Agent Simmons. And then Bumblebee pees on him.

I hate that I had to write that. I hate it very much.

Anyway, I don’t know why that had to happen, but it did, and I’m nothing if not thorough.

Optimus tells Bumblebee to cut it out, and with that the Sector Seven agents are cuffs and left on the side of the road. Mikaela orders Simmons to strip, as punishment for threatening her father, then cuffs him to a street lamp.

...Yes, that does sound like a bizarre sexual fantasy, doesn’t it?

Unfortunately for our teen heroes, they forgot to confiscate everyone’s phones, and Sector Seven knows what’s up, thanks to the power of speakerphone. More cars and a couple of helicopters show up basically immediately, and the Autobots decide it’s time to dip.

But not before Ironhide fires off a pulsewave into the ground that causes a five-car pileup.

Optimus, I suppose because he knows he chose a ridiculously flashy alt-mode that is in no way practical, just picks the kids up in and places them on his shoulder like a couple of parakeets, then takes up a leisurely jog to get away from the eyes in the sky. He runs through the city, racking up what is likely millions in property damage, as the helicopters pursue. He passes by a “Legalize LA” billboard, which feels odd to see, given what movie this is.

The ‘copters somehow manage to lose Optimus, despite him being relatively slow, and having a notable radiation level that they’ve been using to track him. He hides inside the scaffolding of a bridge, only for Mikaela and Sam to slip off of his polished body to their deaths, thus ending the film.

No, they don’t die. I just told another fib. I’m sorry.

Bumblebee snatches them up just before they hit the ground, the impact of his metal body catching them at 75 mph, killing them instantly and ending the film.

Nope, that doesn’t happen either.

Mikaela and Sam are fine, some-fucking-how, but Sam’s dropped the MacGuffin glasses. The helicopters swing back around, having noticed the sound of a car crashing into the ground and the screams of two whole adolescents. They break out a fucking harpoon gun and fire on our kid appeal character.

Repeatedly.

They wrap up Bumblebee in a series of cables, as he screams like a moose. Mikaela and Sam are held at gunpoint by what is honestly far too many dudes, and are then arrested for the second time in ten minutes. Bumblebee is smoked... because he’s a bee? Sam, not liking this one bit, finds the strength in his weenie body to push a cop off of himself, run at one of the dudes with the smoke guns, throw him to the ground, and then start smoking him. He’s immediately tackled, but points for trying.

Sam and Mikaela are placed back into custody, and the rest of the Autobots regroup with Optimus to see what the plan is. Optimus says that they can’t save Bumblebee without hurting humans, so I guess Bumblebee is just a POW now. Well, at least they got the glasses. That’s cool.

Back at the Pentagon, things are getting dicey, as the other world powers are starting to suspect that something’s up. The Secretary of Defense is approached by a man with a mustache and a briefcase. He’s from Sector Seven, but the Secretary gives not a fuck about mysterious organizations. All the computers in the room suddenly go down, the virus from earlier working its magic- only this time, the blackout is global.

Mr. Mustache opens his briefcase, while explaining that Sector Seven is something known as a “special access” sector of the government, which is why nobody’s ever heard of it; it’s beyond top secret. Commissioned by President Herbert Hoover 80 years prior, it deals with alien life.

When the Beagle 2 spacecraft was lost on the way to Mars in 2003, the mission was declared a failure. This was a lie. The Beagle 2 recorded several seconds of Mars before being crushed to death by a Transformer. This tidbit is pretty funny, given that the Beagle 2 was rediscovered on Mars in 2014, seven years after this film released. Not a terribly mysterious death anymore, is it?

Comparing the footage from Mars to the footage from Qatar has Sector Seven thinking that these are the same species. Which they are. God, it’d be so fucked up if there were two species of giant robots in this film.

Mr. Mustache theorizes that because the Transformers now know that they can be harmed by human weaponry, they’re being proactive about their safety and shutting down all forms of communication technology with that virus that keeps popping up. It’s only a matter of time before the shit hits the fan for humanity.

Mr. Secretary tells his guys to try going analog with comms, breaking out the short-wave radios, to tell their ships to return home.

Over at an Air Force base, Lennox and the gang have landed, only to be scooped up by a bunch of dudes in suits.

Back with Maddie and Glen, the two of them have fallen asleep in the interrogation room, Maddie still wearing her friggin’ four inch pumps as her legs are propped up on the table, crossed in a way that seems rather uncomfortable. Glen gets to sleep like a normal human being, with his head resting on his forearms. Why this place doesn’t have a holding cell for these situations is beyond me.

Mr. Secretary comes in to bring Maddie on as his advisor. Glen can come too, I guess, considering he’s the one who actually figured out the sound file virus.

We get a little military glorification, and then it’s revealed that Mikaela and Sam, as well as Maddie and Glen, are aboard this helicopter. Their paths cross at last. Our heroes are transported to the Hoover Dam, where Bumblebee is also. They are still smoking him.

Meanwhile, the Autobots are figuring out where to go, with the power of Archibald’s glasses. Ratchet, who I guess is omnipotent, senses that the Decepticons have also figured out the location, and that this is going to be a race against the clock. And I mean, he’s right, but the phrasing is a bit odd.

Jazz wants to know when they’re going to save Bumblebee. Optimus says that they aren’t, and that Bumblebee’s sacrifice is noble, and that he would want the Autobots to leave him and complete the mission. As this is said, we get another shot of Bumblebee getting smoked and trapped in a lab. Yep, this is totally what he would want. He absolutely signed up for this, giving himself up to the government and not at all fighting like mad to not be captured.

I don’t think Bayverse Optimus actually knows what martyrdom is, which is bizarre, given that it’s a major trait in a lot of other iterations of the character.

Ironhide isn’t even sure why they’re bothering to save humanity, given that humans are violent and awful, his point being hammered home as Bumblebee is tortured for scientific reasons. Ironhide seems to have forgotten that Cybertron has been at war for literally millions of years. Optimus has faith in humanity, however, stating that we’re “young”.

And then he says that he’s going to end his own race, by destroying the Cube™, which is how they reproduce, because that’s the only way to end the war.

Which is arguably one of the most hardcore fictional applications of eugenics ever conceived.

Being advocated for by Optimus Goddamn Prime.

We still have another 50 minutes of this movie.

Optimus then proves that he does, in fact, know what self-sacrifice is, stating that, if all else fails, he’ll shove the AllSpark into his spark, which will destroy them both. He’s pretty chill about it, too.

Up on top of the Hoover Dam, Frenzy has fallen out of Mikaela’s bag.

Mr. Secretary is also at the Hoover Dam now, as is Lennox’s team. Oh, and Agent Simmons, who is thankfully wearing pants. He offers to buy Sam a coffee, as repartitions for threatening his family, arresting him, and being a complete creep to a teenage girl. Sam gives not a fuck about caramel macchiatos with extra foam and chocolate drizzle, however. He only cares about his car.

Mr. Mustache, who is also here, needs Sam to spill the beans on all these friggin’ giant robots that are running around. This is where Sam realizes he has the upper hand for once, and he starts making demands. One such demand is having Mikaela’s record scrubbed clean, which is an actually very nice thing for him to have done for her. We’ll see if his intent comes to fruition. For now, it’s time to talk about Bumblebee.

We get a shot of all these folks heading into the secret base hidden inside the Hoover Dam, and it’s at this point that I notice that Maddie’s shirt is basically see-through.

Inside the Dam, we see that Sector Seven′s been keeping Megatron this entire time, keeping him neutralized with cryo-stasis since 1935. Cryopreservation was invented in the 50′s. This isn’t a nitpick, I just thought it was a neat little fact.

Megatron being on Earth has resulted in most modern technology. This sort of plot point always bothers me, because it takes away agency from the entire human race. We didn’t use our own ingenuity and work ethic to advance society, we plagiarized from a more advanced species. I dunno, it just rubs me the wrong way.

We get the part of the movie where info is hashed out, so that everyone is on the same page, Sam spouting off Autobot propaganda. We can forgive him for this,considering he’s 16, and no one is immune to propaganda, especially when they have zero way of doing their own research to form their own opinion with.

Sector Seven also has the AllSpark, kept in the room next to Megatron’s, like the chumps they will soon find themselves to be. It’s about ten stories tall and the reason the Hoover Dam exists. With so much concrete suppressing its alien energies, surely no one will ever find it!

Except for Frenzy, who came in through a mouse hole. Whoopsie-doodle!

The AllSpark zaps the nasty little man, restoring his body with its weird MacGuffin powers. Frenzy tells all his coworkers that he found what they were looking for, and everyone starts heading over.

Maddie asks Mr. Mustache what exactly he means by “energies”, perhaps worried that this whole thing has been some elaborate ploy to get her to invest in magic healing stones. Mr. Mustache brings everyone into a testing chamber, since the best way to explain how the AllSpark works is through a demonstration.

There’s a big fish tank in the middle of this testing chamber, in which Agent Simmons places a donated device from the crowd- Glen’s Nokia phone, specifically. Simmons makes a geologically-confused comment. When this is pointed out by Maddie, Mr. Secretary hushes her, simply saying that Simmons is a strange man. The tank is locked down, and then the show starts.

Cube™ energies are shot into the tank, and the phone explodes into life, transforming into a gorilla-shaped gremlin creature. Happy birthday, little dude!

Little dude starts shooting at the tank walls, cracking the glass until Simmons pulls the trigger and ends it. Happy deathday, little dude!

The Decepticons are making tracks towards the Hoover Dam, but Starscream- yeah, he’s in this now, don’t worry about it- arrives first, because he is a very fast jet. He transforms, showing off his ridiculous Dorito body, and fires on the base’s generators. The resulting explosions can be heard all the way down in the testing chamber, and Mr. Mustache calls upstairs to see what’s up. Looks like Megatron may be getting warmed up, seeing as his ice bath has been cut off. Lennox asks if there’s an arms room in Sector Seven, which sort of feels like asking a bakery if they have any flour.

Frenzy has entered the room that houses the controls for the cryo-stasis and set that whole system to “no, thank you”.

Mr. Mustache runs through the base, screaming for everyone to get to the Megatron chamber. Off in the distance, the Autobots approach. Could probably used some fliers on your team, huh Optimus?

Back with Frenzy, he’s decided to just straight-up raise Megatron’s core temperature directly. Hope he doesn’t do it too fast; rewarming hypothermia victims recklessly can do some serious damage.

Outside of the base, Lennox and the boys are loading up with weaponry, along with what’s the entirety of Sector Seven′s cannon-fodder department. Oh, and all the main cast. Yep, just got a couple of teenagers chillin’ in the munitions room.

Sam wants Simmons to take him to his car- he hasn’t used Bumblebee’s name in a hot minute, not sure what’s up with that- even though Simmons is currently busy loading a very large gun. Simmons doesn’t want to do that, because he’s got no idea if what Sam mentioned earlier is even true, and he doesn’t want to pin the fate of humanity on a single Camaro. Lennox takes this opportunity to tackle Simmons, despite likely not knowing that Bumblebee is one of the “good guys”. A Sector Seven guy very much doesn’t like that, and points a gun at Lennox, which prompts all of his guys to also start threatening folks with guns.

Mr. Mustache walks in on the scene, but doesn’t do anything, since he isn’t armed and knows better than to tangle with someone who’s packing. Simmons tries to intimidate Lennox, because he must have missed the day of boot camp where they tell you that guns kill people. Lennox is fully committed to shooting this dude in the lungs before Mr. Secretary suggests he give the people what they want, before things get ugly.

Simmons takes everyone to the robot torture department of Sector Seven, where they are still smoking Bumblebee. Geez, you’d think they’d have something in place for if they ever came across another giant robot after Megatron, but I guess not. The gang gets everyone to stop smoking Bumblebee, which allows him to stop moose-screaming and strongly consider murdering everyone involved with his forced captivity. Unfortunately, revenge with have to wait, as we’ve still got to deal with the AllSpark, and the fact that the Decepticons are here.

They take Bumblebee to the AllSpark, where he makes direct contact the thing, causing the AllSpark to transform, compacting itself down into a far more reasonable size that Bumblebee can carry in one hand. It doesn’t seem to weigh more than a grown adult, if his body language is saying anything. I’d make a joke about the conservation of mass being ignored, but since this is Transformers, I can’t really say much. Conservation of mass doesn’t exist for this franchise.

Bumblebee would really like to get this show on the road, and Lennox agrees, quickly formulating a plan to get away from Megatron and taking the AllSpark to Mission City, which is relatively close to their current location, so that they can hide it there.

Lennox, I know this plan is a first draft, and we don’t have a ton of time for revisions, but the whole point of building a whole-ass dam around the Cube™ was because it was very difficult to hide, given its magical MacGuffin powers. Regardless of this flaw, Mr. Secretary agrees. Lennox also asks that the Air Force be involved in this, I guess because the U.S. military wanted more screentime.

Of course, that whole “global blackout” thing is still going on, so we’re going to have to get creative with how we’re going to contact the Air Force. Mr. Secretary and Simmons make a break for the WWII-era radio Sector Seven has, while Lennox and the boys head out to shoot things, and Mikaela and Sam hop into Bumblebee with the Cube™.

This is about the point that Megatron wakes up. The first thing he does is introduce himself, which I thought was very polite of him. Then he breaks out his flail and starts bashing shit around. Not so polite, that.

Over with Bumblebee, we’re shown that the AllSpark, all-powerful object that can create life and is the whole reason this conflict is even happening, is just chillin’ in the back seat by itself. It’s not even buckled up.

Megatron escapes the base, and it’s actually super easy. He just transforms, goes through the tunnel, and he’s free. I feel like we could have at least attempted some security measures for in case the cryo-stasis failed, given that we’ve had this dude in containment for the last 70-something years, but okay.

Starscream comes over to say hi to his boss, not that Megatron gives a shit. He just wants to know where that fucking Cube™ is. When Starscream tells him that the humans have it, Megatron makes a comment about how Starscream has failed him yet again. This is their first interaction in this movie, and Starscream’s been in the story for a grand total of five minutes at this point. I know that this is a reference to their dynamic in just about every installment of the franchise up to this point, but it doesn’t feel earned in the slightest. Even if it’s going to be expanded upon in future sequels, this is a shit-tier way to set their (awful) relationship up.

Not that anyone should ever bank on getting a sequel anyway, but that’s a discussion for another time.

Megatron tells Starscream to retrieve the AllSpark, and then we cut over to the radio plotline. The radio, which is so cobweb-covered I feel like Sector Seven needs to have a serious discussion with their custodial staff, has its nobs and buttons fiddled with by Simmons until it crackles to life. But where are the microphones? Everyone starts looking for the mics, as Simmons pushes Glen into the seat, I guess because hacking modern computers and using Depression-era radio tech are similar enough.

Maddie asks Glen if he can hotwire a 90′s-era computer to transmit a tone through the radio, so that they can send a Morse code message to the Air Force. Which sounds ridiculous to me, but I don’t know enough about radios or computers to know if that sort of thing would be possible. Maybe it’s fine. Or maybe it’s Hollywood bullshit. Who knows?

Back over with Bumblebee, we get a bunch of car commercial shots, of both him and the other Autobots. Aww, the gang’s back together again! Nobody tell Bumblebee that Optimus was completely cool with leaving him to his fate.

Optimus and the gang whip around to join the convoy, and everyone makes their way towards Mission City.

Back at the radio subplot, someone’s bangin’ on the door, trying to get in. The others try to block the intruder, while Glen does his hacking stuff. Mr. Secretary breaks a case and pulls out a gun that’s about as old as he is.

Glen gets the computer working, and Mr. Secretary gives him the Super Secret Military Codewords™ to use to talk to the Air Force. While he does that, Simmons finds a flamethrower and starts burning Frenzy as he attempts to enter the room. The Air Force receives the message for an air strike. Oh, goody.

Over with the convoy, it appears that the Autobots and Lennox’s boys are being pursued by the Decepticons. It’s difficult to tell, seeing as the cameras have gone full Bay-mode, but I’m guessing that’s what’s up. One of the Decepticons flips over a minivan, likely killing a family of five. another causes a multi-car pileup.

Bonecrusher transforms, then Optimus transforms. Bonecrusher iceskates across the highway, slamming into a bus so hard it just straight-up explodes. He is on fire. He tackles Optimus, and they proceed to fall off the side of the raised highway they’re on. Then they beat the shit out of each other, until Optimus decapitates Bonecrusher with his arm-sword.

Yeah, space dad is a little intense in the Bayverse.

Back at Sector Seven, Frenzy’s decided to leave the door alone, and instead is crawling through the ventilation shaft. Mr. Secretary and Simmons fire off shots into the duct above them, as if bullets would do anything against this nasty little pile of needles.

Frenzy bursts through the bottom of the duct and crash-lands into a glass case, taking cover behind a pillar and fires on the humans on the other side of the room. While this shootout is happening, Glen receives a response from the Air Force, just in time for Frenzy to accidentally decapitate himself with one of his own spinning blades of death. This time, he does not survive losing his head.

The Air Force will be sending fighter planes to Mission City, and to establish this, we get several shots of what some might call “military porn.”

Over in the city, the convoy has arrived. Lennox hands several short-wave radios over to Epps, telling him to use them to direct the Air Force when they arrive, so they can take the AllSpark... somewhere, I guess. Above, an F-22 zooms across the sky. It is not one of the Air Force’s F-22s.

Ironhide recognizes Starscream, and gets ready to throw down. Bumblebee grabs a nearby Furby truck and hoists it up to use as a shield. This marginally works, as the missile that hits the truck doesn’t immediately kill him, though it probably did all those Furbies inside.

The resulting explosion throws all the humans around, Mikaela getting weird heaven lighting as she lies unconscious on the pavement. Sam gets it too, though, so I suppose I can’t complain too much about this particular shot. They touch hands. I really wish that I could take this moment of vulnerability as being anything other than an attempt to set up a romance between these two teens who have known each other for maybe half a week. This movie has so starved me of genuine human interaction I'm jumping at the smallest of scraps.

Bumblebee actually didn’t get out of that missile-strike unscathed, his legs having been blown off. All those Furbies died for nothing. Tragic. Sam asks Bumblebee if he’s alright, and immediately tells him to get up. Sam then remembers that Bumblebee’s legs are off, so he yells for Ratchet.

Over with Lennox and Epps, they’ve realized that the plane they saw wasn’t one of theirs. Which, you know, has already been established, but points for getting caught up, fellas. Sam is crying and still telling Bumblebee to get up. Bumblebee is dragging himself across the pavement and whimpering. It’s awful. Where the fuck is Ratchet? This is basically the only reason he’s in this film, and he’s nowhere to be found.

The actual Air Force calls on the radio, asking for their location. Brawl, who is a tank, starts firing on Lennox’s gang. Jazz and Ratchet race through the city streets. How they were separated from the rest of the team is anyone’s guess.

Sam takes a little sit on the pavement to be with Bumblebee, while Mikaela decides to problem-solve and heads for a nearby tow truck. Bumblebee hands Sam the Cube™ because, as the designated protagonist, it’s his job to handle it in the climax of the film.

Ironhide is shot at several times by Brawl, narrowly avoiding being hit each time. This, of course, means that the people he drives by in this shot are almost assuredly dead, since they’re right next to the explosions. He transforms and does a flip, as the film goes slow-mo on a shot of a woman in a low-cut dress watching him flip. She screams. Ironhide screams. I scream, though probably for a different reason.

Jazz jumps on Brawl, managing to kick off a couple pieces of kibble before Brawl grabs him and throws him into the side of a building. Ironhide, Optimus, and Ratchet descend on Brawl, and so does Lennox’s team, Brawl losing a hand and getting thrown into his own building as a result.

Mikaela breaks into the tow truck and starts to hotwire that shit. Wow, a relevant back story that culminates in her being able to save the day, thus completing her arc and staying on-theme for her character. Why isn’t Mikaela the protagonist again?

Oh, right, because ~girl~.

Megatron lands in a nearby alleyway, and Ratchet, knowing this dude is bad news, tells everyone to head for the hills. Jazz isn’t fast enough, however, and gets shot for his troubles.

Mikaela drives the truck over to Sam, who is still sitting there with the Cube™, and tells him to get his ass in gear.

Jazz gets taken to the top of a nearby building and is ripped in two by Megatron, who acts like a bird of prey the whole sequence. Down on the ground, Brawl is starting to get back up from his smackdown. Blackout appears on a nearby skyscraper. Things are looking grim for humanity.

Mikaela and Sam hook Bumblebee up to the tow line as Lennox approaches them. Sam has left the AllSpark out of his line of sight, like a fool. Despite seeing this, Lennox still gives him the flare to let the military know where to pick up the AllSpark. Doesn’t even acknowledge Mikaela. He tells Sam to head for the white building with statues on top of it and set the flare on top of the roof. Lennox can’t leave his men, because he’s the head of his operation. Why he can’t send literally anyone else who isn’t a 16 year-old boy isn’t made clear.

Sam really doesn’t want to do this, probably because he’s a child, but Lennox has recruited him to the military against his will, so he must. Lennox then attempts to make Mikaela leave for her own good, but she tells him to fuck off, because she’s gonna save Bumblebee. Clearly, this is a win for feminism.

Epps radios the choppers coming from the Air Force to let them know they’ll be picking up a package from a teenager, thus locking Sam into the job. Ironhide and Ratchet vow to protect Sam from the Decepticons on his way to the pickup point. Not one single person has pointed out how fucked up this is.

Sam starts to run off, when Mikaela stops him to let him know that she’s glad she got in the car with him roughly an hour ago. They don’t kiss goodbye, which, honestly? Good. This fucking movie hasn’t earned that. Sam for sure hasn’t earned that, even if he did clear her juvie record. No word on that having actually been done, by the way. Sam never got confirmation, and I feel like he’s not really the type to follow up on things.

Brawl fires off some shots and makes things explode. Ratchet and Ironhide provide cover fire as Sam sprints down the road. Yep, they’re making this idiot WALK to the pickup point. Sure hope the elevators are working today, otherwise this is going to take forever.

Sam carries the AllSpark like a football, and in a better movie, this would have been foreshadowed by Sam having actually been a football player prior to the events of the film, perhaps removed from the team for some character flaw he’s since grown from/accepted. However, this is Bayverse, and well, men don’t have to justify their existence in the story with things like themes and having even an ounce of thought put into their character.

Back with Mikaela, Lennox has refused to learn her name, calling her “girl” as he screams at her to get Bumblebee hooked up to the tow truck. Which she was already doing when he got here. Lennox, dude, you’ve got a daughter now, you’re super extra not allowed to treat women like this.

Optimus Prime pulls through an alleyway and crashes into a pile of garbage. I can forgive him being late, seeing as he is a big rig, and probably had to take the long way into town so he didn’t get stuck in too-low tunnels. Don’t worry about how we briefly saw him during the Brawl take-down. This is his for real entrance into the climax.

He whips around and transforms, ready to throw the fuck down. Megatron spots him from his perch and descends.

Y’know.

Like a vast, predatory bird.

Megatron shoots at Optimus in his alt-mode, and Optimus catches him like a frisbee. Unfortunately for Optimus, it would appear that the horsepower on a Cybertronian flightcraft is hella intense, and he’s carried away. The two of them crash through an office building, then roll around in the streets punching each other in the face, debating the worth of humanity as they do so. Wish I actually gave a shit about either of these people, but alas! The film spent most of its runtime objectifying women and insulting minorities. I know nothing about Optimus, and even less about Megatron.

Megatron transforms his arms into a laser gun, and Optimus does the same. They shoot at each other. Optimus gets thrown into a building, then lands on the sidewalk below, definitely crushing a dude underneath him, but I guess we didn’t check that the shot was clear for where the CGI was gonna go, so he’s fine.

Sam’s still running through the streets, while Blackout murders, like, so many people behind him. Starscream lands in front of Sam, running into roughly 30 cars as he skids to a halt. Ratchet and Ironhide fire on him, as Sam takes a breather behind a car. Starscream transforms and blasts off. He was here for about 15 seconds. Sam begins running again.

Megatron is now following Sam, because he wants that Cube™. Sam is hit by a car- not an evil one, just a regular car- and trips. The impact makes the AllSpark activate, which grants several machines in the vicinity the gift of life, including the car full of bitchy women that just hit Sam, who are upset that hitting a human being might have scratched the paint.

I get it, you hate women, can we PLEASE stop beating this dead horse?

Sam finally gets to the pickup building, which turns out to be abandoned and fenced off. Good thing the gate was open, otherwise things could get really complicated. He heads inside, Megatron crashing through a floor-to-ceiling window shortly behind him. Megatron makes the claim that he can smell where Sam is. I’m going to choose to believe that he isn’t lying here, since Ratchet did something similar earlier.

Sam finds the stairs, and Megatron calls him a slur.

He doesn’t, really, but the voice modulation certainly makes it sound that way.

While this is happening, Mikaela is driving the tow truck down an alley, dragging Bumblebee behind her with the tow cable. She stops for a moment to have a short breakdown, seeing as she is a teenager in what is currently a warzone.

Sam is still running up the stairs. Outside, the military shoots at one of the Decepticons. It is, of course, doing absolutely nothing to the giant metal space robot. Mikaela concludes her moment, looking back at Bumblebee, who gives her the okay to keep going with dragging his ass across the pavement. She whips the truck around and tells Bumblebee “I’ll drive, you shoot.”

Mikaela then proceeds to speed down a main road of this sizable city backwards, running into cars and more or less shoving Bumblebee along to his destination.

The military has finally realized that their efforts have been pointless, but it’s okay because Bumblebee is here with his superior firepower. Bumblebee proceeds to shoot Brawl in the chest, which kills him. After this, he tries to act cute, lifting up his battle mask in a very “did I do that?” way, as if he’s not the same guy who ripped Barricade apart earlier.

Sam, meanwhile, has finally reached the top of this dilapidated building. Helicopters are approaching his location, but will they make it to him before Megatron does? Honestly, I’d be more worried about Starscream on the building just due East.

Sam is just about to hand the AllSpark over, when Starscream fires at the ‘copter, causing it to crash and nearly chop Sam to pieces. Optimus Prime runs towards the scene, on a roof that I refuse to believe could actually support him. Megatron punches thought the roof from the bottom and asks Sam some philosophical questions. Sam can’t answer, given that he’s hiding on the edge of this building, his flimsy grip on one of the angel statues being the only thing keeping him from falling.

Megatron tells him to give him the AllSpark, and in exchange he might not kill him immediately. Sam tells him to fuck off, and Megatron flails the chunk of building he was hanging on to, causing Sam to fall to his death, thus ending the film.

I’m lying to you. Michael Bay is making me into a liar.

No, Sam is, instead, caught by Optimus, very likely breaking several ribs on impact. This is the point where I realize that they’ve given Optimus fingernails. Sam clings to him like a baby koala, as Optimus parkours down the sides of two buildings, Megatron in pursuit. Megatron actually lands on Optimus 2/3rds of the way down, causing the both of them to fall onto the pavement below. How Sam survives this is a mystery.

Megatron recovers from the fall first, flicking a human away from him for having the audacity to exist in his space. The flicked person hits a car, and is almost assuredly dead. At least, I sure hope so, given that this is the director cameo by the Bayman himself.

Feminist icon Megatron?

Feminist icon Megatron.

Optimus comments on the fact that Sam almost fucking died to get the AllSpark out of dodge, and we get the return of “No Sacrifice, No Victory”. Which, I mean, I guess he’s allowed to say that, since he’s actually had to do something that warranted it. His dad doesn’t get to, though.

Optimus then tells this teenage boy, who has already had a hell of a day, to kill him by shoving the AllSpark into his robot-soul-heart, should he be unable to defeat Megatron.

I dunno, I just feel like it’s a bit of an ask.

Sam climbs off of Optimus so the Prime and Megatron can rumble. He runs through the ruined infrastructure of the city, so he’s less likely to be crushed. Optimus tells Megatron to square the fuck up, stating that “one shall stand, one shall fall.”

Then he gets ragdolled around a bunch, so maybe he should have saved the talk for later in the game.

The military is running around some more, stopping in an alley to see Blackout transform to root mode. Yes, the goo-goo eyes were indeed made by several members of the watch party that started this whole thing. People went wild for Rotor-Cape Johnson.

The fighter jets from the US military are arriving in a minute. Epps warns them to aim for the robots that aren’t evil. Lennox and the gang spread out, reminding each other to aim for the underboob, since Transformers’ armor is weak there. Epps marks Blackout with a little green light, which Blackout almost immediately notices. Blackout fires on the military.

Lennox has stolen a motorcycle and is driving through the streets to circle back around and jump off of the bike, sliding on his back to shoot Blackout directly in his underboob. Wonder what his uniform is rated for for road rash.

Sam is watching as Optimus gets his ass handed to him. Up in the sky, Starscream commits identity theft, and then attacks the Air Force. The Air Force can multitask however, and light Megatron the fuck up. Sam has, for some reason, come out of hiding, and Megatron uses this to his advantage, trying to take the AllSpark from him.

Optimus tells Sam to put the AllSpark in his chest, but Sam has a better idea. He shoves it into Megatron’s chest, which has been basically shot open at this point. Megatron makes a Space Invader noise, convulses a bit, then falls over dead.

Congrats on your first murder, Sam.

Optimus tells Megatron’s corpse that he got what was coming to him, then implies that they’re brothers. What flavor of brother isn’t established, but neither was basically anything between the two main faces of the franchise in this film, so it’s fine.

Ironhide walks up holding the two halves of Jazz. Optimus informs Sam that he now has a life-debt to this child. Whether or not Sam is absorbing any information at this point is up in the air. Mikaela shows up, with Bumblebee in tow.

In tow.

In tow-

Sam stares at her blankly. Mikaela stares back, making the pretty girl face. Man, what a great dynamic these two have.

Jazz is dead. That sucks. Optimus is handed his corpse to hold, while he thanks his new friends for helping out.

Then Bumblebee talks and he’s fucKING BRITISH.

Sam is obviously shocked by the fact that Bumblebee is British able to talk now, since not talking has been his whole thing up to this point. Optimus doesn’t let it phase him. Neither does Ratchet, despite having been working on Bumblebee’s throat injury for centuries at this point.

Bumblebee wants to stay on Earth with Sam. Optimus is just like whatever. Sam agrees to have a sweet Camaro from outer space.

Optimus pulls what is left of the AllSpark out of Megatron’s chest. I’m sure that’s not a setup for potential conflicts, not in the slightest.

Over in Washington, D.C., the US President has ordered Sector Seven be terminated, and all the Transformer corpses be disposed of. And by “disposed of” they mean “thrown into the ocean.” Dang, sure hope Earth signed some sort of agreement with the Transformers so that they never come to Earth again. You know, just be proactive about our galactic safety.

The Linkin Park kicks on, as Optimus gives us our bookend narration, telling us what the Autobots plan to do now that their race is at a genological dead end. As he does, we see Lennox reunite with his wife and child, who I had genuinely forgotten were in this movie.

Optimus is pretty chill with Cybertron dying out, because now they know about Earth. We get a shot of Sam and Mikaela making out, a shot that becomes more and more horrifying the further they zoom out, because they’re making out on top of Bumblebee. Who they KNOW is a sentient creature at this point.

And then it gets even worse, because the shot changes, and oh hey! Turns out that the rest of the Autobots were just chillin’ off to the side while this went down. Optimus continues his monologue, just walking around in his root mode as he tells all of Makeout Point how they’re “robots in disguise” now.

The monologue is actually a transmission he’s sending out into space, inviting any of his leftover pals to come kick it on Earth with them, because Earth is pretty cool.

And that’s where they leave us.

IT TOOK THREE PEOPLE TO WRITE THIS SCHLOCK.

So. Bayverse 1. A film showcasing xenophobia, misogyny, and toxic nationalism. It’s rough. Is it the worst film I’ve ever seen? Not even close, but it’s bad, and it was a huge deal at the time of release. Everyone was seeing it, everyone knew the actors and robots, everyone had a scene that they liked. Everyone was exposed to Bayverse, and as a result, a lot of people entered the Transformers franchise thinking that it was all like this.

And really, how far off would they have been in 2007?

When a franchise refuses to introduce female characters until years after being established, when all those female characters have the exact same body type, when a franchise hires misogynists to write stories, when it allows shit like “Prime’s Rib!” to be published- no wonder Michael Bay was approached to direct.

What a mess.

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COMING SOON:

TRANSFORMERS: REVENGE OF THE FALLEN (2009) - MEGAN FOX I AM SO FUCKING SORRY

TRANSFORMERS: DARK OF THE MOON (2011) - WILL YOU JUST STAY DEAD

TRANSFORMERS: AGE OF EXTINCTION (2014) - SHUT UP ABOUT THE LAW SHUT UP ABOUT THE LAW

TRANSFORMERS: THE LAST KNIGHT (2017) - ACTUALLY, FUCK CONTINUITY