#this is also the longest ive been single since i started dating

[dragons-and-yellow-roses]

5am and I'm feeling gay and yearning

[weirdmageddon]

the shift in lore literacy in homestuck’s fandom

i was thinking about how the people who got into homestuck after it ended—whose interactions with the comic are in a static, archived state, not an ongoing thing—missed out on information that was more common knowledge in the fandom at that time. i don’t know if this is true since i’m not on tiktok, but i wouldn’t be surprised if it was. the fandom certainly isn’t the same as it was before.

ive found that many people reading homestuck now simply do not understand things in homestuck that were common knowledge back in the day, with calls for “homestuck literacy classes to become mandatory” in response to baffling takes because so many people just now seem to have glazed over the comic without absorbing important plot points, and i think i know why this may be. i ended up writing a post reflecting on my time with the comic, my perspective and how ive seen this change. i still think and write about homestuck because it still fascinates me. earlier i quote retweeted that call in my thread talking about the temporal relativity of dave and rose’s god tier ascension in the green sun, saying “my homestuck literacy is 100% so guess im doing my part as a teacher by pointing out whatever i think is really cool about it”. this post im writing now started out as a reply to this tweet i got in response.

i joined the fandom in 2013. i was 11. i had been aware of it since at least late 2011, early 2012 when my friend ryan in fifth grade told me to read it but i couldn’t get past the first few pages. i remember writing a journal on deviantart around this time (late 2011-early 2012) that was mocking people who typed like gamzee, which ironically was very karkat of me. and i remember someone on flipnote hatena i was following was making flipnotes with the alpha kids.

i dont know what caused me to flip the switch into reading it but 2013. i got into it somewhere between april (i think closer to april—i remember it being quite a span of time between the last update before HOMOSUCK dropped.) this was the most recent page the comic, meaning there was no > [S] ACT 6 ACT 6 at the bottom.

i got into it during a pause in updates, which looking into it, was the year 4 megapause. i wasn’t sure of the month until seeing the news post detailing the reason for the hiatus and the status report of the comic’s development at that time. pretty cool i could narrow it down by referencing the dates of those updates and the news post to correspond with the pause!

according to readmspa, the year 4 megapause was a 59 day hiatus from Apr 14, 2013 ==> (EOA6A5) running to 12 Jun 2013, [S] ACT 6 ACT 6. then for a few months there were the first updates that i was apart of the fandom for.

and what an exciting time during the story get into the webcomic! when the updates resumed in june, part 4 of homestuck had begun. here was a glimpse of the updates in that span of time before the next hiatus began in october.

that hiatus was none other than the gigapause, the longest hiatus in the comic, which started october 2013 and lasted for a YEAR, and i already posted about what happened on the date of return.

but here were the main events happening in the story at the time i first actually got interested in it. i wasn’t aware of the full context of them then like i am now, but i was looking at the most recent updates anyway with interest:

the alpha kids just emerged as god tiers from their slabs in derse and prospit, blown up by the condesce and caliborn / lil cal-possessed b2 jack noir.

the journey to the new session started 24 hours after jack called an early reckoning in descend—for context that was about when dave entered around midnight central time and before jade even entered. it’s pretty easy to forget that side 1 of homestuck basically happens within the span of a single day—and at this point in the story, the 3 year journey (which was also 3 real life years) had just ended. john and jade emerged from the other side of the yellow yard through the fenestrated plane on LOMAX. john’s real body was asleep upon arrival in the new session, while his dreaming projection out in the dream bubbles came across vriska’s ghost ship to learn lord english lore with vriska and aranea, and go on the treasure hunt where they found the ultimate weapon at the X mark out in in the furthest ring. in the dream john stuck his hand in the juju, started warping all over canon which removed his real body from the ship on LOMAX. he zapped around for a while but eventually zapped back to LOMAX, now awake, completely out of the loop of what everyone else is up to, and bored as fuck. what was everyone else getting up to while john was asleep?

jade was now once again within the domain of the green sun. im pretty sure her space god doggy essence comes with the power to sense what was anywhere within the domain of the session since her face looks like she arrived at that spot with intent (and she literally has jack noir’s exact powers from bec’s prototyping. also this panel). she immediately dispatched b2 jack to the edge of the incinisphere, defending the newly god-tiered jane and jake. i think even if they weren’t in any danger, she would have warped to them instantly anyway because she COULD now, and i can imagine she wouldve been sooooo eager to meet everyone. even davesprite comments about her rapid departure.

the pre-scratch refugees arrived during the only time serious shit ever went down in the nobles’ months-long inert void session. the condesce used her freak psychic bronze-cerulean powers to commune with jade’s bestial side and mind controlled her, which is super dangerous as someone with the powers of a first guardian. she then used jade’s powers to corrupt jane with the tiaratop. no funtime meetup allowed!

the trolls’ meteor with rose, dave, and the remaining trolls was pulling up into the new session with no way to slow it down. grimbark jade warped there once it was in the incinisphere and took active control. she warped everyone off the trolls’ meteor and sent them to LOMAX.

as john was losing his mind on LOMAX waiting for everyone, the meteor crew warped in. after 3 years he finally reunited with rose and dave, and at least saw the trolls in person. close curtains, end of A6A5. this was the newest [S] flash page at the time, one of my first impressions of this comic, and still one of my favorite flashes. knowing the context of the flash in the story only enhances the retrospective joy i have at getting into the comic at the time i did because it’s such an anticipated moment in the story for everyone, while for someone with no context of the story it was still enjoyable.

so that’s what was going on plotwise when i joined the fandom.

from this time, through those few months of updates and through the gigapause, i was familarizing myself with the characters in the story and overseeing the state of fanbase, getting myself acquainted with the story and wrapping my head around everything.

at that time i found that a new-ish group called colab HQ who were producing a let’s read homestuck series on youtube. hearing the voices and the pacing of it like that really, really eased me into it (maybe it was my adhd that gave me trouble actually starting it?). i caught up to a certain point using lets read homestuck and from that point was able to continue with the comic on my own, and by the time the gigapause came to a close i was fully caught up. i remember the rebranding of colab hq into voxus about a year and a half after i discovered them.

but.. back to the main point of my post. even these posts from hussie’s tumblr exist in archived states. how many new fans know about hussie’s old tumblr? i don’t know, unless theyre a new fan that must scour the internet for more deep more dives on homestuck and its fandom as a whole. but since hussie deleted his tumblr (it exists archived now on homestuck.net which, alongside from the unofficial homestuck collection, has nearly singlehandedly kept the most important relics of the fandom and lore archived), that page is not an active part of the fandom now, because it’s gone. it’s a pile of bones. it’s not living and breathing. it’s in an archived state. the whole thing is already there. homestuck and its fandom history is something you now binge instead of slowly consume and meld with as it comes out. it’s now this rapid information intake that you might forget about if you read it now instead of engaged alongside it. you’re not surrounded by people actively talking and theorizing about developments anymore. the ability to have those sorts of conversations during the ongoing development of the story reinforced concepts, ideas, and lore over and over as we tried to make sense of it.

being in a fandom when the author is still delivering the story is like nothing else. it allows you grow alongside the characters and engage meaningfully with the media and people in the fandom space around you. it feels like you’re participating IN the media itself, especially if you’re interfacing with the creator. it’s in always having something to theorize or talk about and speculate. and people become very aware of these sorts of forgotten story facts because they were applying the logic of the newest official post from hussie into making their sburb ocs or something and share resources and discussion posts about “what just happened in this update?? recap????” it was this cultural osmosis thing. i think this is why homestuck literacy is now at an all time low, at least from what i can see on twitter.

reading homestuck then vs now is like the difference between serialized shows with spaces between episodes to discuss stuff and time to reflect and learn and become attached to the story, narrative, worldbuilding and its characters, vs the netflix model where it’s all dropped all at once and people forget about it after binging.

at this point in time im getting the sense that “homestuck elders” now are no longer just people who were there since 2009-2010, but now also people who were there while it was still updating, probably stretching into 2014-2015. there are many sources of lore that were common knowledge in the fandom at the time that, since becoming susceptible to the deletion of content and link rot, and with the thanosing of mspaforums, are no longer accessible at the source. and a lot of people moved on after it ended, especially following the epilogues, the kate drama, and the whatpumpkin-sarah z drama, leaving a void of information behind if not for archivists and people such as me who continue to keep old facts relevant in discussions. my friend has called me a fandom scholar before and seeing this post i think i get what they mean.

EDIT: there is a series of video essays ive watched multiple times (because theyre that good) and they are exactly what modern fans need to see more of. they really help contextualize the comic and the themes present in it help you appreciate the basic fabric of homestuck a hell of a lot more. i highly recommend them and encourage any fan of homestuck to watch them, or someone considering getting into homestuck to watch the first one.

i think this is arguably as close to the “mandatory literacy class for homestuck” that person was talking about as you can get, especially the first video.

additionally, there is also the website https://rafe.name/homestuck which is essentially a sparknotes for homestuck and can help you follow developments in the comic itself.

[vampycat237]

been single for probably the longest stretch of time since before i started dating and like i dunno. it's very interesting.

its half deliberate because a. i just want to experience being single again. i was in 2 roughly 2 year long relationships with like a month or two between them maybe idk and i just wanted to see what it was like. b. long distance is hard for me bc half my love language is physical touch/proximity, and i tend to fall for friends, and most of my friends (and All my close friends who ive known a long time) are long distance friends.

its also semi unintentional bc i keep crushing on people who are already in relationships lmao. and like while i could, and have come close to, asking if polyamory on the table for those relationships, the thing about long distance is still a problem gfgjkdsk

anyway thats the Why. Not that there needs to be one, eh.

as far as how i feel about it? Idk. Im not upset really, it's a little lonely sometimes bc i am kind of a romantic person, i miss having a partner sometimes. but like... idk. really feeling the "I'm not aromantic but i believe in their beliefs" lately. like do i miss everything about dating, or do i just want to kiss someone? do i really want the image of romance held up by society or do i want some weird polyamorous queerplatonic shit. do i really want a partner or do i just miss sex. And yeah you could bundle those things together into the idea of wanting a partner but also like... what if i unbundled them

also i think i just desperately need more genuine, deep connections with other people, platonic or otherwise. platonic ideally my brain needs friends

anyway wasnt really going anywhere with this but idk. Glimpse into my brain

[abra-ka-dammit]

every year i get to add another year to "longest ive ever been single since i first started dating" and idk man. this isnt a record im TRYING to keep beating but

like

literally how do you meet people as an adult i do not understand

all i go to is work and theres not exactly prospects there in a staff of 4 men i wouldnt be attracted to even if they were single, and one woman who is straight and married and also my boss's daughter

[babesonly]

fic recs 2.0!

hello kings (gn) ive got significantly more fic than last time which means this is gonna be a little more organized than the last post bc it is much longer <3 categories in order are non casefic canonverse, casefic/roadtrip fic, finale fixits, endverse, non supernatural aus, and then non destiel ones. titles will be in bold for my favs! also within each category they’re in order from shortest to longest

Canonverse

I’m a tulip in a cup by godtiering (1.2k)

I worry that I never really came back from hell. I wonder why, if I got remade by heaven, I’m still the same screwed up kid that I always was.

Sometimes I worry I’m not into women at all.

"Guess not,” he looks at his shoes.

a REALLY good fic that’s basically just a look inside dean’s head during my bloody valentine do not read this looking for a fun time but please do read it

on vessels by flightsofangels (1.9k)

“You know,” Cas mutters into Dean’s bare skin. “When I was still… an angel, I used to dream that I would take you as my vessel.”

hello consumehimnatural fans!!!!! read newt’s fic right now its incredible

dean winchester is not a nicholas sparks protagonist by microcomets (1.9k)

Dean fell in love with Cas the way you fall asleep--slowly, and then all at once. Or some other hackneyed and trite bullshit. God, this is embarrassing.

dean is in LOVE. he’s also a disaster who keeps staring at cas’ hands. sigh

Stay by aeli_kindara (2.5k)

Coda to 13.06 (Tombstone). In which Castiel reckons with the aftermath of Dean's grief.

hello fellow widow arc fans <3 click here to see cas find out abt the events of advanced thanatology !

walking on a string by swordfishtrombones (2.7k)

Between the doomed offensive at the Firmament and the impending retreat from the ravaged northeast border, Castiel left camp long enough to answer one of Dean Winchester's prayers.

S6 DEAN IS A WAR WIFE. been really into early seasons deancas lately and this one is very good. god

the flesh of the mighty by Mudprophet (2.7k)

Ezekiel 39:17 "you shall eat the flesh of the mighty and drink the blood of the princes of the earth."

MY GOD. anyone who saw the @autisticandroids​ purgatory cannibalism talk and was interested read this right now. also anyone who enjoyed nbc hannibal OR raw (2016). if romantic cannibalism is remotely aligned with your interests read this right now. god

Sam Winchester, Ally At Law by alittleduck (3.3k)

Sam was pretty sure he could read every single gay friendly guide to coming out or supporting queer family members ever written and literally none of them would even imply that arguing with gay people that they were actually just homophobic constituted as "ally behavior". However, Sam was equally sure that none of those book authors had found themselves accidentally watching their brother get pounded by an Angel of the Lord at 9 am on Tuesday, so Sam was pretty sure he might actually still have the higher ground. Now, if only Jack would stop trying to bond with Dean using gay slurs long enough for Sam to convince everyone of that, he might just be able to cobble together some remnant of sanity or, failing that, dignity.

Or, the one where Sam desperately wants to invent PFLAG but Dean won't stop teaching Jack gay slurs

JACK VOICE HEY COCKSUCKERS. 

hummed low by microcomets (3.3k)

Dean pulls the Impala over at a cider barn about thirty miles out; doesn't really think about it, just sees the hokey orange lettering off the roadside and lets his hands guide the Impala off the interstate with gravel spitting under the wheels.

they get a nice day out together and dean has a gay crisis and it’s written beautifully mwah

Vena Amoris and Other Old-Fashioned Bullshit by pyrebi (3.9k)

In which angelic marriage bonds are apparently stupidly easy to trigger, Cas wages multidimensional war in Heaven, Dean can't catch a break like ever, Sam rather enjoys being a dick, love saves the day, and nobody consummates anything.

sometimes i think about this fic and it hits that at this point dean and cas would have been married for more than a year. cas my beloved...

an exploration of gender; angelic by sometimeswelose (4k)

Castiel's true form is made of electromagnetic radiation. He has spent the majority of his life, if you really want to add it all up and average the whole thing out, as a wavelength of celestial intent.

The thing about being made of light: it's light in the physics sense of the word. Castiel's waves are gamma, x-ray, micro, and radio. He's visible light too, of course, a visible light so intense that it is blinding to most humans.

hello trans cas community <3 he’s literally trans he was assigned genderless and then went hm actually i will be a man! love of my life

Some Boys are Sleeping Alone by prosopopeya (4.2k)

This isn't something that's okay, not for him, but it chases him through the years until it turns into something he can't -- doesn't want to deny. 

ohhh deans tenuous relationship with his sexuality my beloved...

love. worship. consummation. consumption. by redeyedwrath (4.3k)

ConsumehimNatural (copyright marcusantonius) the Series!

These are all snapshots centered around the idea of you know. Hunger in Supernatural. Both carnal hunger and other kinds. Fics are shown in semi-chronological order but this series is generally nebulously early seasons.

for ANYONE who is a consumehimnaturual this is required reading it is INCREDIBLE and gorgeous and very visceral and i am so very obsessed with it. thank you redeyedwrath for enabling my brainrot

the reach of human sense by perilously (4.5k)

“You know what Jimmy Novak looked like. You think he was beautiful—gorgeous, hot, all of it. It’s him. Not me. This isn’t my face.”

“But,” Dean says. He doesn’t know where he’s going with it. Just that Cas’ face is right there, brows drawn together and cheekbones gleaming in the lamplight. It’s a face that’s made his heart skip probably a couple hundred beats collectively since they met.

And it used to belong to someone else.

this one is just very nice <3 cas gets uncomfortable w dean calling him attractive since dean has never seen his trueform and they work it out

Down in the River by Ias (4.7k)

Alone in Purgatory and hunted by Leviathans, Castiel finds himself praying to the one person who can't hear him.

cas i love you <3 cas alone in purgatory praying to dean bc dean is the only thing he still worships i love you so much

Creature of Habit by trinityofone (5.1k)

The more you love someone, the more you want to kill them. Or: How Cas developed some bad habits, and Dean coped surprisingly well.

written in s5 when cas was depowered and completely nails the later seasons bitchy husbands dynamic it’s very good and fun <3

sink by crackers4jenn (5.4k)

"Where to?" A 9.06 coda.

very bittersweet very well written and also canon compliant so do not go into this one looking for a happy ending but i DO recommend it it’s very good

Sensational by castiowl (6.1k)

“When I first came to earth, it was advised that we temper the senses bound to our vessels. They were a distraction, we were told. An antiquated form of experiencing existence that would hinder our ability to complete our missions, whatever that may be. My true form can better facilitate these experiences. What you would recognize as heightened senses of sight and sound, among other things.”

Or, how Dean helps Cas experience all five human senses for the first time in one night.

early seasons deancas man. i love the sound part i love dean being so worried about doing a good job with this. god. read this please

Something to Protect by Sass_Master (6.2k)

Dean’s violent reaction to being unexpectedly woken has become something of a running joke among them, but Castiel can’t help but look past it to the underlying cause. It makes him ache to think that Dean feels so unsafe, so persecuted, before he’s even fully conscious.

Secretly, Castiel has been determined to work on that, to ease Dean into awareness in a less jarring way, smooth away one of the many stresses that follow him even in sleep. Now’s as good a time as any to try.

oh to sleep more soundly in the presence of someone you love...this fic is very nice i enjoyed it a lot

all this and heaven too by ftmsteverogers (7k)

“Hey,” Dean said. “I’m not ashamed of you, okay?”

Cas raised skeptical eyes to meet his.

“I mean it,” Dean insisted.

“I understand you mean it,” Cas said. “But I don’t think it’s any better if you’re only ashamed of yourself.”

hello trans dean community here is 7k of trans dean having to deal with his internalized homophobia now that he’s sleeping with cas <3 it is SO good

The wilderness. by orange_crushed (8k)

He takes a shower and the pressure is not especially good, but it doesn’t matter. It’s warm and he stands under the spray a long time. Human skin, he knows, constantly renews itself, shedding the dead cells of the epidermis. He wonders how long it will take until he is an entirely new person, until every cell on his surface is a new one. He looks at his hands under the water. It might take less than a month.

this might be the only post 9x03 fic on here with a happy ending actually? plenty of good melancholy leading up to it though <3 canon divergent after 9x03 though which means no 9x06 fanfiction gap but it is absolutely worth reading

till the juice runs by deathbanjo (8.4k)

Apparently whoever drew up the venn diagram of Dean’s sex life decided the circle labelled ‘good sex’ and the one labelled ‘sex with men’ should be kept far apart.

hello this one is SO funny dean finally gets comfortable enough with his bisexuality to start having sex with men and it goes so very bad every time so sorry about your shitty choices beloved </3

First Date by aeli_kindara (8.9k)

“We should go on a date. You and me.”

Castiel wishes he could see Dean’s face. He wishes he had any idea what to say.

“I’m asking you out, Cas.”

this one is very sweet i liked it a lot <3 good refreshing little fic where they just get to have a nice evening together

Entertaining Strangers by cadignan (9k)

Dean settles on to his side, lying in the bed facing Castiel. “So you had sex without me and you bit all my moves. I think I deserve to hear about it, at least. What was her name?”

op im in love with you. premise is established relationship deancas and cas mentions he did have sex before dean and not only that it was a threesome. good for him <3 this fic is cas describing the story of what led up to the threesome and what happened during it while dean interrupts regularly. incredible

the shape you take by noviembre (10k)

“What?” Dean says, fake-offended. “I’d be hot as a girl, you know I would.”

And this is when he really, really should have stopped talking. When he shouldn't have whipped back around and asked, “Cas, if I was a woman, you’d fuck me, right?”

Because if he hadn’t said that, then he wouldn’t have had to deal with this:

Cas, meeting his eyes, forehead wrinkles all smoothed out like there’s nothing to be confused about anymore. Cas with something at the corner of his mouth that might barely be called a smile.

Cas saying, calmly and without hesitation, “Yes, Dean.”

--

Dean Winchester fucks around and, with the inadvertent help of some witches, Finds Out.

dean winchester your gender is diabolical. this fic is insane and its the only thing that matters actually. dean fully convinced its normal and straight to think about being a woman so you can fuck your male friend. incredible. op im proposing to you

Sinnerman by a_good_soldier (10k)

Dean listens to Nina Simone, reads Anne Carson, and makes out with a dude (sort of).

yall want to read about dean realizing he’s in love with a man as a direct result of learning to better respect women right?

you’re fooling yourself by cowboydeanwinchester (13k)

Dean Winchester and Castiel retire from hunting to raise baby Jack. Dean struggles to allow himself the things he truly wants.

Jack is two, Castiel and Dean are idiots, and Sam's gotta solve everyone's problems.

love a married couple who doesn’t know they’re married <3 everyone say thank you sam for bullying dean 

The Girlfriend Experience by rageprufrock (15k)

While it's not like Dean hasn't had a couple of truly regrettable hit-and-runs in his sexual history, this is probably the saddest fucking thing that has ever happened to him.

a classic for good fucking reason. we’ve all talked about dean thinking holding hands is too gay after having just had gay sex but my personal favorite was sam accusing dean of cheating on cas because dean bought condoms. incredible

No Kingdom To Come by domesticadventures (16k)

“We should fuck,” Dean says.

Cas looks up from where he sits on his bed, hair still damp from the shower, frowning as he places a finger on the page of his book to mark where he left off.

There are a million things Cas could say here; Dean has rehearsed them. After lunch, his restlessness had given way to a vague panic, a dread that matched his every step and crept along with him from room to room. Eventually, he had returned to his bedroom and spent the rest of the afternoon pacing back and forth, playing out all the possible scenarios. When Cas asks him Why? or Are you being serious? or when he sighs and says, in that way he has, Dean, he knows exactly what he’s going to do. He’s going to shrug casually, like he isn’t invested in the answer, like he isn’t desperate for an outlet, and say, Why not? He’s going to raise an eyebrow and say, What, are you not interested? He’s going to crowd into Cas’ personal space, he’s going to shove himself right up in there and whisper Cas against his ear.

Instead, Cas says, carefully, “Okay.”

literally the only quarantine fic i’ve ever bothered to read in any fandom and completely worth it it’s SO good. they become fwb and dean has an existential crisis and he keeps bringing up meaninglessness and death during sex

Bodies by Speary (18k)

It was a secret they never acknowledged even with each other. It would change everything, end everything if either of them ever dropped the act. So they became very good at acting, at keeping up the lie that gave them what they wanted. Even if that lie involved constantly seeking out temporary, consenting female vessels, Cas would do it. He told himself it was worth it for Dean. He just hoped that he could stop wanting more, or maybe one day Dean might stop pretending that he wasn't really sleeping with Cas every time.

i don’t even have anything to add tbh if that summary did not immediately make you click we are very different this fic is incredible. god. fellas do you ever make yourself a woman so you can fuck the man you love without him having to talk about it or confront his sexuality

it’s such a mystery (the way you know me) by fleeceframe (20k)

So the man crouching in front of Castiel is named Dean. He wonders if that’s supposed to mean something to him.

“Cas must’ve got hit with something earlier. He just dropped like a sack of fucking potatoes a minute ago. By the time I was checking on him, he had already woken up again, but now he doesn’t fucking know who we are.”

“I’m right here you know,” Castiel says testily.

Sam’s eyes are wide even as his eyebrows are furrowed, and he looks between Dean and Castiel again.

“What do you remember, Cas?”

“Firstly, that I’m not Cas. I don’t know who Cas is, but it’s not me. I don’t know who either of you are, either."

or the one where castiel is hit with a memory curse that makes him forget the winchester brothers and is stunned to find out he has a family... also why can't he stop thinking about dean?

BEST amnesia fic oh my god. cas my beloved you deserve the world. everyone read this that is not a request.

More Than Ever by Sass_Master (20k)

Dean’s getting some pancakes together for breakfast when Cas saunters in after a run.

He’s trying to focus on whisking batter, unfairly distracted by Cas a few feet away, breathing heavily and shining with perspiration. Dean’s been painfully aware for a long time that Cas is pretty easy on the eyes, but he’s used to seeing Cas buttoned-up and unflappable, looking straight-laced in a stiff oxford and an unflattering trenchcoat.

Now Cas is sweating, Dean’s borrowed t-shirt clinging to his skin, flushed from exertion and Dean really can’t deal with that in his kitchen right now.

this entire series is really good i enjoyed it a lot, i’m just putting this one specifically on the list bc the rest of the series is very explicit and this is really good as a standalone for anyone who wouldn’t be into the rest of the series!!

Being Dean Winchester by Anonymous (20k)

"You should show me some respect. I dragged you out of hell. I can throw you back in."

Who the fuck was this bitchy "warrior of God" doing talking to him like that? Fuck Cas-tee-el and his dumbass trench coat and abrasive motherfucking attitude.

Dean was done with this shit.

***

Wherein a monster of the week steals the essence of Castiel's vessel, so he must use Dean, recently raised from hell, as a vessel instead.

it is at this point i realize that there are more fics than i expected there to be on this list that involves a threesome with only two people/using the presence of a female body to act like what’s happening is heterosexual. deangirlism is a disease 

I Shall Not Want by domesticadventures (20k)

His grace is burning out, and the wasteland it leaves inside him becomes an echo chamber for all the memories, all the fear and doubt and self-loathing he's collected over the years. Things said and done hound him on endless repeat until he's convinced they’ll break through his skin and fill the silence of the bunker.

His head is killing him, and he sits hunched over an open book, not really reading, just digging his fingers into his skull and praying nothing slips through the cracks.

this one is GORGEOUS i love it so so much. dean and cas are both struggling so much to get by and they’re trying to support each other but fucking it up and they have to grow together and learn to cope with the fact that this is where their lives are and they fall in love i need everyone to read this

To Boldly Go by 8daysuntiltheapocalypseiguess (24k)

Title: Just One of Those Things Author: Impala67 Series: TOS Rating: M Summary: Four years into their five-year mission, and all the planets start to look the same.

In which Dean is not Gene Roddenberry, but he does write Star Trek fanfiction.

mx winchester writing star trek fanfiction to process his own trauma <3 this is a wip but it’s SO good and i also have not consumed a single piece of star trek media so it IS definitely readable to anyone who isn’t a star trek fan. please read this

where the weeds take root by deathbanjo (30k)

“Are you happy? Y’know. Just—being here,” Dean says, gesturing to the yard with his beer bottle. “Being with—I mean, you used to fight in celestial wars and—and save the world. Now you’re growing vegetables and talking about chickens.”

this is on here just for the 1.5 people who were putting off this one like i did for no reason. it’s extremely good and it is just gentle. i enjoyed it a lot

Heroes for Ghosts by pantheon_of_discord (42k)

After Sam and Dean are arrested, Castiel is left alone and scrambling to find them. He knows they’re locked away in a government facility, and he’s still able to hear their prayers, but no matter how he tries Castiel can’t seem to track them. He chases leads and even attempts to hunt on his own, but Mary is AWOL, Crowley refuses to help, and Castiel’s options are running out.

Weeks pass, Castiel’s hope dwindles, and through it all Dean prays, keeping them connected. His voice is comforting, frustrating, and occasionally annoying, but in his solitude Castiel comes to cherish it. But then one day, without warning, Dean stops praying, and Castiel is forced to confront some uncomfortable truths about his feelings.

yall ever wonder what it would’ve been like if the sam and dean arrest storyline in s12 was interesting? yeah <3

Teaching Poetry to Fish by aeli_kindara (52k)

In which Castiel teaches poetry to fish. Also, himself. Also, eventually, Dean.

(A series-long story, diverging slightly from canon after S14.)

cas learning about humanity through poetry before dean and thats what led to him developing enough emotion to be lobotomized....cas i love you so much

Emergence by ellispark (58k)

Something’s been missing from Dean’s life for the past three years, a void left after a hunt gone terribly wrong. He often feels a sense of longing with no discernible cause, a need to talk to someone who isn’t there.

A call from an acquaintance leads Dean to James Novak, a man who disappeared more than a decade ago, and suddenly Dean gets the feeling he’s found what he’s been missing. But James isn’t really James — he’s the angel Castiel, who’s wanted by angels, demons and hunters alike. And he may be at the center of the storm that wrecked Dean’s life all those years ago.

another cool amnesia fic!! for unknown reasons everyone forgot cas three years ago but cas didn’t forget anything. cas deserves so much love and support. god

a turn of the earth by microcomets (95k)

Dean’s your typical half-orphaned, monster-killing 22-year-old until a trenchcoated stranger crashes into his back windshield one September night, claiming he’s an angel that knows him from the future and that he’s on the run.

Frigging fantastic.

(Or, in which Castiel gets stuck in Dean’s timeline preseries and Dean kind of hates it—until he doesn’t.)

cas getting to meet and fall in love with pre hell dean just as much as he loves the dean he already knows oh my GOD. i love this fic so much. turn of the earth my beloved

Crossing Lines by sometimeswelose (122k)

Two Deans, one Cas - it's not as sexy as it sounds

Or

An ethics lesson from Hell

Or

The one where Dean from the past meets Dean in the present. They're not sure they like each other very much.

deans intense self hatred vs cas’ unwavering love for every version of dean oh my GOD also this is a wip fair warning but it’s so worth waiting for updates i’m having such a great time with this one i cannot wait to see how it gets ended

Plot Holes by saltyfeathers (160k)

Of course it wasn’t over after the apocalypse.

There was season six. Then there was season seven. Against all expectations, there was season eight. There were the alphas and purgatory, and then the Leviathans, and then the angels fell. Enter season nine. Loose threads Metatron, Abaddon, and Crowley have to be tied up. Sam, Dean, and Cas have to try to tie them while at the same time dealing with their evolving relationships and newfound graceless states.

Amidst all the chaos, someone has started publishing the Supernatural novels again. Convinced there’s something amiss in the pages, Charlie starts her own quest to suss out the truth behind the Winchester Gospels.

With the help of various faces, old and new, they must now not only deal with the typical runs of demons and recently fallen angels, but also reconcile the battles raging inside themselves, as the fate of the world, once again, quite literally lays in the palm of their hands.

saltyfeathers said i WILL make the plot holes in this show mean something because the showrunners are sure as shit never gonna adress them ! and i thank them for it bc this was a really cool read

Casefic/Roadtrip Fic

Deprived Of Every Planet by KelpietheThundergod (9k)

Dean's breathing is audible in the scant space between them, irregular. The motel room is dark, pale blue shadows falling in through the gaps in the blinds. Throwing a pattern of uneven white stripes over the bunched up covers. Over Dean's fingers twisted in the sheets. One half of him in shadow, softened by the dark. The heat of his skin. The tremble of him under Castiel's touch.

He caresses a hand over Dean's chest, slowly. Dean's mouth falls open, his body arching into Castiel's touch. Castiel stops over Dean's heart. Through the fever of his desire, he rejoices about the wonder of experiencing another's heartbeat through one's own senses.

Dean gasps, but then he turns his face away and towards the dark. Eyes closed tight and brows furrowed like something is hurting him.

Castiel stills.

“Dean?”

the case is background on this one but it Does take place over the course of a case so im putting it here. god touchstarved dean trying so hard to work through his shit for cas head in my hands i love this fic so much

before and after breakfast by spocklee (10k)

The monster of the week is a ghost who hates meat, alcohol, and feeling yourself. Guess who it is during the commercials.

chapter 2 of this one.....god. dean and cas you are both so unwell <3 i love everything abt this fic everyone read it now

we shovel all the ashes out by xylodemon (15k)

Dean’s always known things were headed this way. He just figured getting dragged under would be cleaner and easier than jumping in feet-first.

fics that make you go Oh they love each other...also there’s lesbians in it literally what else could you want.

thunder road by dothraki_shieldmaiden (20k)

After Chuck is defeated and the Winchesters settle into life without God, Dean Winchester is bored.

OR: Dean and Cas take a road trip and figure out some stuff along the way.

this fic is just like. it’s kind! this fic is kind it’s just a pleasant experience and i enjoyed it thoroughly. they’re in love and it’s good

Suck It, Judy Garland by GlitterDwarf, midrashic (20k)

It had to be St. Louis. Or, the one where Sam and Cas get fake married for a case, and Dean loses his mind.

actually im gonna defend dean here imagine youre dean and cas gives what definitely sounded like a deathbed love confession while making eye contact with you and then immediately afterwards fake dates your brother. who among us would not have been a bitch about this

best friends without benefits by lizbobjones (20k)

It’s nearing three a.m. and they’ve been on the road a long time. Sam’s been asleep in the back seat since eleven. Giving up and handing the wheel over to Cas and letting the guy who doesn’t sleep drive had seemed like a good idea.

the premise of this fic is so funny. cas voice dean you want to fuck me so bad it makes you look stupid. everyone read this

the taste of gravel in the mouth by deathbanjo (22k)

This is what Cas gave up Heaven for: greasy diner food, shitty motel rooms with even shittier cable, long car rides spent in complete silence except for the same six tapes playing over and over again, and a burnt-out husk of a man who can barely hold a conversation anymore.

alt version of getting rid of the mark of cain, the darkness never happens. this one is VERY heavy but it’s so good and it has a hopeful ending. ive read this one twice and loved it both times

Someone Who’s Feeling For Me by ellispark (45k)

Dean sees her for the first time in nearly six years in some no-name town in Idaho, and it's panic at first sight.

Lisa Braeden, the one woman Dean ever actually had a shot at a real life with, back from where he buried her in his mind. And her hand is on Cas's arm like it's no big deal, like it belongs there. Cas, Dean's dorky, sweet, badass, angelic best friend, and he's just standing there next to Lisa and not moving her hand away.

Dean feels the jealousy rising, and it's not directed where he expected it to be. Because it takes this exact moment for Dean to realize he's in love with his best friend. He's in love with his best friend, and Lisa is looking at Cas like he's the best thing since automatic rifles, and Dean is utterly fucked.

hello op please contact me. please contact me and let me see the inside of your brain. this fic was an unparalleled experience and everyone should also go through it. i love it so very much

Bumper Cars by mansikka (111k)

Two teenagers are missing from an abandoned carnival, and there’s enough to raise suspicion that their disappearance involves a ghost. Dean, Sam, and Cas arrive in town to investigate, though what they find leads them away from those teenagers, and on the trail of a ghost story that churns up things from their past.

Can newly-human Cas, and Dean, with the help of shipper!Sam, work out the mystery behind the abandoned carnival and its ghost, and along the way, figure out the riddle that is them?

one of my absolute fav case fics it forces dean to confront some aspects of johns parenting and work through some shit and also him and cas fall in love and it’s really well done. love this one a lot <3

Finale Fix-its/Finale Denial

Sorry Jimmy by K_K_TiBal (2.1k)

Based on the tumblr textpost:

jellydeans: so are cas and jimmy novak just up in heaven existing at the same time katebushstandean: #jimmy moves to heaven timbuku so that dean stops trying to make out with him every time they run into each other at the heaven grocery store

this one is just extremely funny. local midwestern heterosexual man is forced to play relationship counselor to the dumbest gay people in existence because one of them wore his face

Dean Winchester Really Needs To Make Some Gay Friends by AreYouReady (2.2k)

“Like, I’m trying to think if I’ve had, I don’t know, crushes. If I ever had a gay thing before you came along and just didn’t notice,” Dean said.

Cas suddenly looked down, and away from Dean. If Dean didn’t know better, he would swear Cas looked guilty.

“What is it, Cas?”

“You have had several… gay things before.” Cas still wouldn’t look at him.

“What? When? How come you know this better than I do?”

There was no way the answer to this question wasn’t funny as hell.

dean learning about gay ppl via the memories of dean smith...incredible.

tiny difference (between ending and starting to begin) by sunforgrace (2.4k)

Sometimes Dean catches Cas staring at the sky.

It doesn’t happen often. Not when Dean’s around to tell, anyway. But often enough that he starts to notice.

Eventually Dean starts to recognize the pattern.

Cas just doesn’t watch the sky. He watches the birds.

Chuck is gone, Cas is human, and the world is safe. In the quiet aftermath Dean and Castiel find each other again.

i really don’t have much to say abt this one it is just very good and they love each other so much

Bring Home by cenotaphy (3.8k)

Dean's phone doesn't ring on the drive back to the Bunker, but that's okay. Because—well, maybe Cas lost his cell, what with getting shuffled back and forth between a cosmic void dimension and all. And anyway, Dean doesn't want this conversation to happen over the phone, he wants to—he wants to talk to Cas face-to-face. They should talk face-to-face.

Dean will tell him—

Dean doesn't know what he'll tell Cas. Dean is, in fact, terrified by how utterly and completely he does not know what he'll say to Cas.

cas being forced to face the consequences of sending the risky text that was despair <3

dean’s coworkers vs the heteronormative agenda by cowboydeanwinchester (4.1k)

Dean started working at a local auto repair shop in Lebanon, Kansas about a year ago. His coworkers don't know much about him. Except that he has a wife. Or maybe he doesn't. But he has a kid. Who is either a toddler or a high schooler. Who is either named Jack or Sammy. He also might have a best friend named Cas, but that also might be his wife.

Truth is nobody knows what to make of Dean.

obsessed w people not knowing a single fucking thing about dean because he talks so much and never explains anything. this fic is SO funny

Enhanced Extraction Techniques by goldenraeofsun (5.8k)

The Empty takes Meg’s shape, Samandriel’s, Duma’s, every one of the thousands of angels Cas killed up in heaven. But in the middle of lecturing Cas in the form of Balthazar, it explodes in a burst of light and sound.

Dean Winchester stands in the aftermath.

the empty playing mind games on an awake cas bc it can’t put him to sleep is a thing i like a lot and this is very very good 

Speak Silence No More by rea_sunshine (8.1k)

When Dean imagined this moment, it went like this:

Dean bursts into the Empty—guns blazing, chin high, righteous anger coursing through him. No matter what form his plans and fantasies and whiskey-drunk-whispered-promises took, he is always, always successful. When he imagined it, he was finally the hero Cas deserved.

The reality of the moment is this:

It’s fucking cold.

dean and cas STILL managing to not communicate with each other properly after the confession is so funny to me and this fic does it really well. also i like that a human being in the empty, where humans do NOT belong, had some like. consequences

my heart is a compass by lagaudiere (10k)

“There you are,” the Empty says, in Dean’s voice. It’s cold, like Dean’s eyes are cold, his expression set in contempt. It’s the expression Cas feared, he realizes, all the times he thought about saying it. Revulsion. It makes him feel sick in the way that goes beyond physical, here where there is nothing physical left.

The moment before it happened had been so sweet it covered up all the hurt. For years, Cas had been holding back those words, biting down on his tongue to keep from saying them. And now he had said it, and he knew that it was good, knew that it was worth it. But on the other side there is only this.

--

In the Empty, Cas dreams of his regrets, until someone comes looking for him.

one of thee best dean rescues cas from the empty fics out there i love the way his memories are written i love how many of them were ones that this fic came up with to give me new things to have brainworms over instead of just making me more fixated on He Watched Him Rake Leaves than i already am

killing time by orestespdf (11k)

It's been four years since Dean saved Cas from the Empty and confessed his feelings in return, and in their Vermont lakehouse, the retired couple is now learning how to heal. One morning, Dean gives Cas a haircut.

(A character study of Castiel.)

perfect fic perfect fic no notes no complaints they love each other so much and now dean is giving cas a haircut and they’re spending the day together. god.

and every time we kiss, i swear i can fly by knameless (14k)

Every time, Dean tells himself it’s the last.

--

aka, twelve times dean and cas kiss.

a just boy best friends kiss for every season <3 mwah

for which no words exist by MediaWhore (14k)

'a prayer for which no words exist' // richard siken

"Dear Cas who art in my bathtub, give me the strength to be honest about how I feel. For your sake and for mine. Forgive me all the times I wasn’t in the past, all the words I should have said but didn’t. And please stay. Please stay with me when all is said and done. Amen. "

Dean rescues a newly human Cas from the Empty. That's the easy step.

mediawhore i am in LOVE with you oh my god this fic. this fic. dean taking care of cas after rescuing him dean wrapping cas in a blanket oh my GOD

swimming with the fish pond fish by februyuri (17k)

Some time between Dean bleeding out on a makeshift hook in a barn in Ohio and Sam making marshmallows on his funeral pyre, Dean was brought back to life. By Castiel. Again. Dean agreed to it if only to give Jack time to work out the glitches up top. So, now Dean’s back in the land of the living and things are ... actually good, for once.

Or, as good as they can be when demons are attacking Earth, Dean’s failing to get over why he died in the first place, and Cas is suddenly, inexplicably taking every opportunity to casually tell Dean that he loves him.

this is a wip! but it is so good and so worth the read i love it a lot and am very excited for the last chapter. it IS pretty heavy though dean has a LOT to work through

looking like a true survivor (feeling like a little kid) by courfeyrac (20k)

"Jack’s a clever kid—has been ever since he was born, maybe even before that—but Dean’s pretty sure he hasn’t figured out where they’re going yet. And Dean’s… Dean’s excited about it. He remembers planning surprises for Sammy when they were little—saving up quarters and sneaking off to the arcade the year he turned seven, or slipping a book Dean had seen Sammy admiring into his jacket before sprinting out of the store the year he turned twelve. There was only so much Dean could give him back then, hindered by lack of finances and transportation and a father who paid attention. Now, though, Dean’s got a wallet full of cash, a tank full of gas, and the freedom to give his kid the kind of birthday he deserves."

Or, it's Jack's fourth birthday, and the kid wants to go to Build-A-Bear.

EVERYONE READ THIS RIGHT NOW. that is not a request this fic undid me. oh my god. oh my god. they’re a family and they’re going to build a bear and they love each other. oh my god. also no it isn’t a baby jack fic he is 4 and he is also alcal

what’s missing is found (our souls can exhale now) by sobsicles (27k)

It's not the first time Claire has ever gone missing. It is, however, the first time Kaia panics about it. Dean's dragged into the mess, but he soon finds that it's the best thing that could have happened to him.

~~~

"But have you ever just met someone and maybe it wasn't from the first moment, maybe it was after all these other moments that meant more than you ever expected them to, and it seems like your soul just—just—" Kaia makes a helpless gesture with her hands, pushing out, and she breathes out loudly. "Like it can finally exhale. And that person isn't guaranteed to make you happy, but they're—they're important. You just know it, you can't even escape it, you can't let them go. Ever met someone like that, Dean?"

"I—" Dean halts, his mouth hanging open. He's looking at Kaia, who's looking at him, and his heart is fluttering in his throat like a caged bird aching to soar again. His mind threatens to spiral out of control, but he focuses, swallowing hard. "Yeah. Um. I—yeah, I have."

deancas AND dreamhunter we love to see it also dean DOES smoke weed with kaia and apologizes for pulling a gun on her what more could you want in a fic

Command Me To Be Well by prospopeya (28k)

Dean did a lot of thinking about when and how he would get Cas back. Months of it, actually, stretching into a year, because while Sam and Eileen were settling into their new lives, Dean was stuck. He was stuck in a faraway corner of the bunker, dark and empty and hollow, ringing with the sound of a vibrating phone.

So when he falls to his knees in that same room, exhausted, hurting, breathless, and he feels a hand on his shoulder and looks up to see Cas, he realizes that he doesn't have a single clue about what to do now. Getting Cas out had been easy--actually, it'd been the opposite of that--but the planning of it, the methodical desperation of one attempt after the other had been a familiar rhythm. It'd been soothing almost, solid, something to focus on that wasn't Cas's eyes, watery and jubilant in a way Dean hadn't ever seen that up close on anyone, let alone Cas.

And now Cas is pulling him to his feet, and Dean's stumbling, and he instinctually grabs Cas's arm, and his hand lights up with a fire that he isn't prepared for.

"Hello, Dean."

oh post despair lack of communication....oh dean refusing to work through his feelings...this fic is incredible i love it everyone who enjoys dean doing everything in his power to avoid talking about feelings up to and including having sex with the guy who’s in love with him multiple times should read this

break the skin (to break the barriers) by sobsicles (29k)

The first time she meets him, he's nothing more than an almost-missed appointment.

SOBSICLES TATTOO FIC MY BELOVED. dean grieving and getting tattoos and it turns into tattoo therapy. im SO in love with mitzi it’s insane. requires some suspension of disbelief for how long a tattoo takes but it’s an incredible fic and an unparalleled experience. sobsicles does not miss

ascend by quiettewandering (53k)

Something in the world is wrong.

Demon activity is rising where mysterious black substance oozes and unusual ecological events are shaking the world. Dean, grief hanging on his shoulders, restlessly searches for answers that might lead him to the Empty… and to Cas.

But what Chuck wrote can’t be undone. The narrative thread pulls Dean along, forcing him to comply. Because once a story already has an ending, it can’t be rewritten.

Or can it?

SUPER cool concept i liked this a lot i’m pretty sure everyone’s read it already but just in case someone hasn’t you absolutely should

oh sooner or later it all comes down to faith by sobsicles (62k)

Getting used to Heaven is something of a marvel. It ain't perfect, and Dean thinks he'd hate it if it was, which is probably why it isn't.

~~~

"You don't understand," Dean whispers, exhaling shakily. "I know you don't, because even I don't. The instant you were gone, I wanted you back. Cas, I wanted you back. I wanted—I wanted—"

Cas stares at him, searching his face. After a moment, his own face falls slack, eyes widening just so. "Oh," he breathes out.

Dean wants to be furious that Cas has figured it out before he has—whatever it is—but he's not even that surprised. Cas knows him too well, always has, even more than Dean knows himself. He's been kicking Dean in the goddamn teeth with how deeply he understands him, even about the things Dean doesn't, ever since they first met. You don't think you deserve to be saved, that's what Cas had said. All bundled up in impossibilities and power, this being that looked at Dean Winchester and knew every single inch of him, as if he had a right to each part.

"What?" Dean grits out.

"I love you, too."

the ONLY heaven fic. i do not read heaven fics bc i refuse to budge in my finale denialism i refuse to read fic where it is accepted that dean dies. i was hesitant to read this but god im glad i did it was so good. literally the best possible outcome of dean dying

Endverse

final fantasy. by orange_crushed (1.9k)

“If I’d actually been born human, would I have gotten sick like everyone else? Would I be running around gnawing on the neighbors?” Castiel tilts his head up and even from here Dean can see the black ring of his pupils, wide and dark as dead stars. He’s high as fuck and he’s been loading the guns for forty-five minutes. He stares into the space where Dean is. He smiles and shows his teeth. “Maybe you’d have already put a bullet in my head.”

"This is why you don’t lead storytime anymore," Dean says. "This kind of shit."

endverse last night on earth fics are something that can be so personal actually. god

The Last Song by Moorishflower (3.5k)

The very last song is the Song of Solomon, and Castiel sings it only for Dean. Set in "The End."

this is like. pre endverse and the tone is so like. wistful? is the best word ive got? it’s gorgeous i love it but fair warning there is graphic description of like. viscera and infected wounds

to think that we could stay the same by cipherwriter (6.5k)

cas has all he needs; himself, his creation, and enough power to continue this cycle for a long time. he's fine. dean wants to take care of him anyway.

oh my GOD this one is good it’s based off the thing of how originally endverse cas was supposed to be just sitting in a room killing and resurrecting the same cockroach over and over. very bittersweet at some points i love it a lot, do not read it if youre looking for something happy though lmao

the first church at the end of the world by withbloodstainedclothingon (11k)

The angels don’t eat the brain. Only Croats do that.

this one is fucked but it’s incredible it contains very heavy and violent subject matter and cas is an Actual cult leader he doesn’t just have orgies it is SO well done and i had a great time reading it i recommend it very highly if the warnings sound like something you can stomach

Down to Agincourt by seperis (1.1 million. i know. yes it’s a wip)

There is no such thing as a guarantee when it comes to war.

The outcome's known. Why try? Return your rusty sword to battered sheath, bow your head and bend your stubborn knee. Why take the field when you cannot win the war? But Harry -- he went down to Agincourt.

PLEASE. i know the length is intimidating i KNOW it’s a very long fic but please. please read down to agincourt i am begging you. head in my HANDS this series is incredible.

Non Supernatural AUS

Long-Term Relationship by bendingsignpost (2.7k)

Castiel says, budging over to make room for Dean on the couch, “I thought we should have a serious talk about our relationship.”

Reflexively, Dean laughs.

Castiel does not.

“Uh, Cas... you know we’re not dating, right?”

look man it’s bendingsignpost okay. it’s bendingsignpost it’s good and it’s sweet and you should read it

One White Lie by komodobits (11k)

Castiel takes a deep breath and rings the doorbell. He doesn’t need to run through what he’s going to say – he’s already planned and edited and rehearsed it a thousand times. He is going to ask Dean Winchester out to dinner. If it’s not too forward, he’ll say, perfectly charming. You see, I’ve seen you around the neighbourhood and you always seem so earnest and I’d really like to get to know you bette— The door swings open, and Castiel panics.

He intends to excuse himself. He means to apologise and come back some other time. However, in a moment of blind fear, what comes out of his mouth instead are the words, “Could you spare a moment for Jesus Christ?”

do you ever pretend to be a jehovahs witness for months to hang out with the guy you like because you fucked up asking him out? yeah.

separate ways and sleeping dogs by sobsicles (53k)

Dean is three years sober when Cas comes back into town.

~~~

For a moment, they just stare at each other. Dean, once again, has to swallow the urge to offer to swallow something else. It's very hard to resist the gut-wrenching pull of want that hooks in his chest whenever he looks at Cas. And to think, he used to have him, used to be able to act on that want.

God, he's so fucking stupid.

Well, there's no point in kicking himself three years later for shit he can't change. He'll just sit right here and pretend that his fingers aren't twitching with the urge to reach out and touch. He can't do that anymore, and it's his own damn fault.

"Three years ago," Cas prompts.

Dean huffs a weak laugh. "Yeah. Eventful."

this fic hit me SO hard emotionally oh my god. don’t have much to say bc most of my thoughts on this fic are very personal but my god read this please

Everyone’s a Critic by Englandwouldfall (109k)

The one where uninspired chef Dean Winchester has a one night stand with the male (!) food critic who described the flavour of his garlic bread as 'closeted' and accidentally ends up dating him to try and prove that he's a kick ass chef, thank you very much.

(He may have a point about the 'closeted' thing).

this one is SO fun. dating the food critic who called your garlic bread closeted and lying about your career because you’re embarrassed and you want to redeem your food in his eyes but then you fall in love with him

Non Destiel Centric

gender? you mean that thing i have that pisses people off? by bigender dean winchester (homosexualitie) (946 words)

sam and dean paint each other's nails and dean abuses the technicalities of her gender. what more could you want? 

HELLO HE/SHE DEAN COMMUNITY oh my god the pure rush of euphoria reading this. oh my god. oh my god. 

the quiet road to a distant city by rottingbrains (1.2k)

Sam stares out the windshield again. They’re approaching a city, and she can see the lights in the distance. She’s past the danger zone, and she feels like the world around her reflects that in some way she can’t put into words- as if God is telling her that it’s okay. She did the right thing, and soon she will be past the lonely unknown and into the warm, forgiving light of acceptance. Or something. Come to think of it, the lights only look warm from far away, and she knows that the actual city will seem far less welcoming. Still. Best not to imagine the worst when it’s already going well.

required reading for transfem lesbian sam fans. fics that live in your ribcage to make your heart feel good

Four People Ruby Seduced & One She Actually Fell For (Or: Ruby's Epic Love Affair with Humanity in General and Sam in Specific) by tuesday (3.7k)

In which Ruby has a lot of sex, is not any kind of therapist that would be legal, and helps a few people out for her own reasons. (S4/S5 AU)

for everyone out there who enjoys ruby being a girlboss <3

Fractured Link by Trell (orphan_account) (5.5k)

Meg goes on, resolute despite the way Dean flinches, "He likes me. He likes me a lot, and I like him back, and that's probably good enough for both of us. But fuck me for saying so, Dean-o, he loves you, probably more than anything else on his daddy's green Earth, and you need to man up and give back what Clarence over there has been devoting to you for years."

this is meg/dean/cas which is not smth i really seek out but this was extremely good. set in s7 so it’s meg and dean and honey cas and it’s a lot of dean figuring his shit out and trying to forgive cas and i love meg a lot in this

[astroohoe]

Heyyyy guys...im sam and ive been obsessed with asweirdlogy since 12😭😭 and this is my first post of astro observations....since i got into asweirdlogy, ive been studying and observing people with different signs and so im about to summarise what i can remember here ....if it resonates with you, please comment down below.....but if it doesn't; its okay....this is meant for ENTERTAINMENT purposes only.

Note; all these are based on MINE observations ...thank you

Nb:Check my new post i made on Aries, Aries placements...will be making soon on all of the other signs one by one and each placement.....thanks

Astro observations

•cancer women are thee most women who gets cheated on easily LMAO😂. Why? Because they are water signs and are easy to manipulate.....even though they have psychic tendencies to find out they're man is cheating, but they always end up being a victim of cheating...😶

•piesces men are fuckboys. Yes! You read that right! I've noticed that most water signs men are FUCKBOYS!!🤨 So be careful!!!! Scorpio MEN are only loyal in friendships or to themselves..but in relationships...UMMMM...TRY AGAIN..

•Cancer men are sweet talkers....child..be careful...They know the ways and means to woo a woman!!! Especially men with Lilith in cancer....sis! They all are WOMANIZERS TO THE CORE!!!😭😭😭😭😭Maybe it's cause most of them had to be the FATHER in the family, since this can indicate men who come from broken homes or who were raised by single parents...it affects them mentally and emotionally and they start bringing the traits of their father or their past to women!

•cancer women have sense of humor...😂 OMG they're soooo funny...infact when i see a cancer female i immediately know she is one....because of their sense of humor😭😭😭 . they're the funniest amongst all of the signs....they know what comedy is like.....

•All of the people with the aspect moon opposition pluto either have a mental disorder....i have moon opposition pluto and i have anxiety...i was going through some weird shit YO!🤦‍♀️😑

•Moon opposition pluto makes one familiar with only one parent..maybe they grew up with single parents, or they're parents were separated...or maybe they're parents are still married but are acting like they wished they never met .....chiiiile.

•Having moon opposition pluto is hard yo!🤦‍♀️It makes one depressed easily. With all those with moon opposition Pluto , don't give up...i know its hard😐😐...

•Excuse Me! But Gemini women are soooooo pretty😭😭..........what ??? They're sooo funny and charming too. I've never seen an ugly ....um with the exception of Donald Trump) Gemini...they're glow up just hit DIFFERENT!🤚

•Gemini men are charming and can be fuck boys too🙄 because they're bipolar mentally and their twin twin feelings can fluctuate!

•some people say its hard to date gemini men because their love triangle can go UP and DOWN! And its NOT gonna work ....and i understand honestly....their just RED FLAGS in the signs...

•Libras are two FACED!!!😐😐 WELL That's NOT TRUE....I've never seen a fake libra before...they're loyal in friendships and they stand up for whats right! Maybe that's why people call them two faced because they're all about JUSTICE!!!!! even in relationships, they stand by their friends and still scold the shit out of them in private knowing what they did isnt a good thing. Maybe that's why people think they're two faced because they want to understand both sides of the story so that they can judge well. See, Libras symbol is the symbol of what's in the Judiciary! The symbol of law and balance! That's why you see most libras practicing law, not necessarily practicing law, but doing what's right in their community....they also give whole heartedly...they just want peace and harmony and balance.....awww aren't they good friends to have?😭😭... Yh so don't talk SHIT about libra! Um so sorry this post was the longest for libras.....just stating what i observed plus see how im standing up for libras?😂 if you're a libra and youre watching this honey, i need to get a discount!🤨🤣

•Don't be fooled, when libras get mad, that peace and harmony thing just vanishes....be careful, they can be plotting some prepared shit against you and can make sure that all their plans is balanced

•Piesces are the best givers in the signs....if you ask them for something and they find it hard to give you, they feel shattered, broken and more sad than you.

•People don't know that the 12th house is NOT only for dreams and imaginations....but its also for victim consciousness (it victimizes them and makes them gain guilty conscience...that's why after cancer, piesces are easily to manipulate)

•i hate when people say pieces are dumb😑😑No they're NOT! My uncle is a Pisces but when you lie to him he catches your lie within a yotosecond...OMG its soooo scary...its like you can't lie to the FISH!!😐😐😳😳

•The 12th house deals with addictions, so pieces men and women love SEX😁😁😁. they're NASTY,Don't let that innocent face fool you

•The 12th house also deals with criminalisms, coke heads🙄🙄, psychiatry hospitals, art like:music and MAKEUP!

•Saturn in piesces might have a father who did drugs, who do drugs or might have someone in their family who is in prison for scamming, or run and hit or doing drugs😐😐

•Saturn in piesces should beware of the friends they hang around with because it can make them associate themselves with criminals and toxic relationships

•12th house moon are the ones who are easily to manipulate🤣🤣🤣🤣.....sometimes their mood fluctuate and they can feel soooo guilty at times when they can't make someone happy.. If you're a 12th house\piesces moon, please don't settle for less😐😐....bring yourself FIRST! in situations because you're soooo fragile people can use you and break you...just my advice

•Pieses risings look like inoocent lost children who need their mama😐😐...they look cute and dreamy since Neptune blurs out and diminishes their appearance with glamour

•Piesces risings can be comfortable naked during photoshoots.

•Aquarius moons and suns really know how to make money😂😂 and sometimes it can be illegal but they don't care😐😐 since the 11th house is the house of MONEY

•Aquarius suns can be Greedy NOT SELFISH.They're NOT like TAURUS🙄 since they're the HUMANITARIAN of the signs, they give a lot but they just want to over achieve because they're obsessed with money its crazy..

•Guuuuurl whaaaat???😂 Aquariuses are more and rebellious than Scorpios, idc what anyone says🤚

•Capricorn suns compared to virgos, are completely different to what astrology pits them out to be...🙄 I've seen August Virgos are more fun but still serious than Capricorn Suns. Capricorn suns are the life of the parttyyyy

•Capricorn suns love to go out, chill, have fun and take good care of themselves....they actually are the opposite of what astrology puts them out to be...those people are NOT SERIOUS🙄🤚

•SEPTEMBER virgos are more SERIOUS than August virgos and MORE AND MORE SERIOUS than Capricorns....why? Capricorns get their energies from their next house Neighbor, Sagittarius and Aquarius....that's why they are bad bitches! Please don't be fooled.

•Cappys are soooo easily to get along with and they love to party, share drinks and be around with their guuurls

•But don't get it twisted, Capricorns are the social climbers of the zodiac and their all about their business🤫💰💰 but that's another story for a different post.

•Moon conjunct saturn please let me give you a hug🥺🥺, i mean i know its tough but it'll be okay for you one day .....no need to suppress your emotions, or get depressed...everything will be fine...Saturn is the planet of limits because it has 8 rings i know its SLOW AF but one day as it keeps moving things will get better ok😓its just a matter of time...its just teaching you in the hard way..i know sometimes you want to give up but don't give up okay...the only thing you can do rn is to learn from your mistakes and everything its teaching you.

Lilith in leo is sooooo scared of getting pregnant😐😐

•Moon conjunct saturn can create miscarriage or infertility , since the moon is a feminine sign and its responsible for period cycles, pregnancy and femininity, conjunct saturn brings restrictions and it can be sometimes difficult to produce kids

•This placement is mostly seen in porn stars or female models, they are so focused on their work they don't really have time for kids.

•Hey moon square sun, please don't give up....everything will be fine ok

•Dont give up too, moon square mars....i know the tension is hard

Okay y'all😭😭...that is it! For me eee.. Gotta goooo! 💃💃💃💃.....gotta HOP ON A

PLANE!✈ Since i only CATCH FLIGHTS! And NEVER FEELEEEEEEEEEENGS!!!!!.

Ok y'all please comment down and tell me what you think...should i continue with another one? Leave your suggestions here thanks...love yaaaa!!!❤

[starlit-dreaming]

[WMMAP] The Slow Burn AU

oh boy guess who’s (a teeny bit) sleep-deprived and back on their bullshit with [concept ideas that they swear to never write]? this pal right here

fun fact, this post is roughly 3400 words :’D

@lithium-15​ @d4ddylucas​ i hope this update brings you joy because i’ve finally convinced myself to open yet another google docs tab for a fic that will cause suffering for us all around, whether it be waiting for, reading, or writing it

i’ll be titling it as “beep beep (answer the phone already you asshole)” just so i can just shorten it to [beep beep] when i tag it on here

the potential titles it could’ve been called in case you didn’t see one of my misc posts about it:

• it was an opportunity missed • call me if you want to reach me • voicemails • this aching heart of mine • may i take your order • it really doesn’t seem like there’s anyone for me • beep beep (answer the phone already you asshole) • a series of bad advice (note to self: don’t listen to helena) • i lost my number; can i have yours?

also im ngl. lowkey got the idea while i was writing this of a pjo au where diana is aphrodite or claude is zeus (which is funny considering that ive been having athy getting nicknamed with “athena” and lucas being nicknamed “luke” for the longest time and only NOW thought of a pjo au)

vague, non-spoiler-y ideas:

• i definitely want lucas and athy to go “lmao they may be attractive but i would Never date them” and then later go “fuck maybe i do want to date them”

• in their pre-irl reveal, they go by athena and luke as nicknames when they text each other

• even though athy seems to be very sociable, i definitely want lucas to call her boring tbh??? also, she Definitely plays otome games in her free time.

• athy definitely has blackie. but i’m not sure if i want to make them be a cute lil pug or a chow chow. case in point:

• fucking adorable, isn’t it? meanwhile, a chow chow is a cute monster of floof and at this point im just being self-indulgent:

• if i wanted to be manhwa-accurate, blackie looks more like a wolfdog or maybe a doberman whatever (i’d have to look more into different types of dog breeds if i really wanted to narrow it all down except i Know i’ll probably start weeping over cute dogs cause i fucking love animals and will coo over it so no, i’m not gonna do that), but because i’m very much a “it’s an au i can do as i please” so i’ll most likely have blackie be a chow chow fluff ball

• athy getting her wisdom tooth removed at one point and texting like an inebriated drunkard that is only coherent thanks to autocorrect

• in the beginning, helena is established to have a romantic interest in lucas, while cabel has a romantic interest in athy. misunderstandings ensue

• i’m deadass rereading last game for this au because of all the pining this fic is gonna have. so there will probably be a few scenes here and there that i got the inspo from the manga. might draw some inspo from other manga/manhwa (i.e. yanagi’s proposal to kujou is a Maybe???)

• college club life even though ive literally never joined any clubs before i dropped out and know nothing. im basing the clubs off of what’s at the community college i went to. taekwondo lucas and tennis player athy?

• cabel being part of the astronomy club, along with helena. tempted to make her be a paralegal but that’s diving a little too close into [it was only one night] ngl

• so lucas canonically has 2 brothers, 1 younger, 1 older. meaning that since lucas is 24 y/o, his younger brother is roughly 14 y/o and his older brother would be maybe 27 y/o. his older bro’s gonna get married in this fic

• lucas has a matchmaking grandma constantly on his case, even more so now that his older brother will be getting married

• “be my matchmaker repellent” lucas @ athy

• lucas is gonna have familial drama in the fact that he’s got brothers and has to Deal with them. meanwhile, athy’s familial drama is that she was raised in a single parent household and has never known her father and ended up meeting him at someone’s goddamn wedding

i’ll essentially be rehashing and expanding on details down below, laying out an outline for the info i mentioned before, but in a more organized manner for my future self’s sanity. it’ll technically be spoilers, even if i might not follow the outline perfectly, since i’m still working through my thought process on how i’d like for this fic to go

OVERVIEW

• AUs: coffee shop + college + wrong number + modern setting + social media??? + strangers to friends to lovers + minor fake dating

• rated: M (no E, no smut, no violence, the only thing that’s E for this fic is Emotional Suffering)

• slice of life vibe, basically

• Ships: lucathy, calena, felily, mentioned claudiana, probably jennkiel, onesided athykiel

• general word count goal: 5k min to 10k max (per chapter)

• total chapter goal: 100 (200 based on the goddamn outline Help)

note: there’s more if you want to read the entire fic outline and get possible in-story spoilers

INTRODUCTION: the setup

• essentially going over a regular day in lucas and athy’s life

• establishing a worker-customer acquaintanceship (meaning that there’s next to no direct interactions)

• the wrong number trope ends up happening -- luke and athena being their nicknames.

• chapter goal from beginning to end: 1 to 5

PART ONE: the getting-to-know-you (mostly via texts)

• essentially thinking that the other person is cute irl but believing that they have such a shitty personality that they would never want to date the other person (after seeing their interactions with their friends -- lucas being blunt and dropping the customer service smile around cabel, athy ranting to helena about what would sound like dumb shit to him)

• helena catches feelings for lucas. cabel also catches feelings for athy. athy helping helena get a date with lucas. lucas decides to try and get cabel a date. it goes exactly as one would expect -- not well.

• there’s a huge misunderstanding, and eventually cabel and helena end up accidentally going on a date together. they realize that they’ve got a lot in common and decide to give it a try

• tl;dr, the “attempted wingman” arc

• athy probably gets her wisdom tooth removal at the beginning of this arc

• the “haha me liking him/her? that’s dumb” portion

• chapter goal: 6 to 15

PART TWO: the friendship portion!!!

• as in. lucas and athy end up becoming proper friends irl instead of the impersonal acquaintanceship.

• i want lucas to have some major family drama going on. like a “i need someone to be my plus 1 for my older brother’s wedding and my grandma’s been constantly trying to matchmake me with every eligible girl my age -- basically, be my matchmaker repellent” type of drama not drama-drama being in something sob-worthy

• note: he does not ask athanasia, he complains to her about it through their text convos by mentioning that his brother’s getting married and his grandma wanting to pair him off with a family friend’s daughter, but he doesn’t ask her to help him whether irl or through the screen and its only mentioned as a minor thing (foreshadowing, basically)

• another note: the wedding would not happen asap, rather his brother’s engagement and marriage is essentially going to be setup in this part of the story. its more of a matter of lucas needing to repel his grandma’s matchmaking attempts. it’ll be a “in the next couple of months” and will most likely be happening in part 4 of this outline

• lucas and athy end up catching feelings for each other. as in their minor attraction from part 1 returns to slap them in the face. they agonize over this with their “wrong number buddy” (who just so happen to be the crush in question)

• the “i kinda wanna hold their hand” to “fuck fuck fuck fuck i wanna hold their hand fuck”

• chapter goal: 16 to 29

PART THREE: the pining

• suffer with me

• there’s essentially the mIb love square as lithium called out. at one point they’ll be talking about maybe doing a phone call one of these days (since one of them called by accident) and just nervous realization of “oh no i like this person AND my texting buddy”

• lucas asking athy if she’d be willing to be his plus one at his brother’s wedding -- his matchmaker repellent. we can turn it into a valentines thing, too so that it’ll be all the more ridiculous, because athy would think he’s about to ask her to be his girlfriend, so she just keeps nodding until she hears the question of her being his plus one so that he’d have a friend that could help him put an end to all the matchmaking attempts. plus, he can’t ask cabel to help him out because then that would invite granny hwang’s attempt to push eligible bachelors at him instead

• athy was 100% not amused to hear that she wasn’t even his first, second, or third choice. but she’s pining and begrudgingly agrees to help him out

• little did she know that she WAS his first choice, it’s just that he didn’t Ask her until everyone else was a definite no. she’s also his last choice because if lucas was desperate enough he would’ve deadass asked his texting buddy

• helena will Probably try to set athy up on a blind date, but since it takes place at the coffee shop/cafe lucas works at, he essentially helps athy out when they realize that helena unintentionally agreed to set her up with her EX???? idk yet except that they’re not really Friends, but regardless lucas manages to help her. it’s kiel who’s the blind date btw

• the one-sided athykiel -- essentially ezekiel establishing that he likes athy. athy mentions him to lucas in their text convos by mentioning that she’s pretty sure he likes her but she’s just Not into him like that

• the “it’s fine we’re friends and friends hold hands and they hug all the time so it wouldn’t be strange right” reassurances

• chapter goal: 30 to 56

PART FOUR: the panicking

• they have their first phone call :’)

• lucathy simping for the other person’s voice and lowkey thinking “wow they sound so familiar haha” and more or less going “you have a really nice voice if you did audiobooks i’d buy them just to hear your voice”

• idk what the fuck’s gonna happen by chapter 100, but its going to be when they FINALLY get a clue that they might have mutual feelings and hold hands and it’s very obvious (to everyone) that they’re into each other

• there’s gonna be the wedding for lucas’s older brother with athy as lucas’s plus one. lucas is from a prominent and rich family, so a lot of his family’s business associates are invited to the wedding. cabel’s family shows up, cause cabel’s older brother is a businessman; cabel is lucas’s childhood friend btw

• so after the family drama that lucas has with his family prior to part four dies down, it’s athy’s turn of familial drama :)

• in the fact that claude shows up to the part and he’s just. “diana???” and athy, having grown up in a single parent household that consists of her and her mom, is surprise pikachu face like “you know my mom?”

• so athy’s familial drama is essentially a “holy shit my dad’s a multibillionaire bachelor and my mom never told me until AFTER i met him”. cue the whole awkward “fuck,,, guys my dad wants to marry my mom after finally finding her thanks to me and my mom still loves him and im so fucking confused because this whole time i thought mom left him cause he was a piece of shit but it turns out that it was because my mom thought he deserved someone better than a part-time dance instructor and now everything i thought i knew is Shattered”

• yeah i didn’t want anything too angsty with athy’s family drama. so i decided to give it a cinderella kinda vibe. like the prince at the ball (claude attending the wedding) and finding cinderella’s shoe (athy being the shoe) that leads him to cinderella (finding diana). i was gonna make a joke about it being like cinderella but then i ended up making That connection tbh

• also, at the wedding lucas planned on telling her that he realized that she’s been his texting buddy, but then claude interrupted them because he was pretty sure that athy is his daughter

• it’s the “what does this mean does that mean they like me back or???” (mostly panic on athy’s side) of the story, but it’s also the “fuck man i’ve got shit going on with my family that i don’t know if i can even Think about romance”

• chapter goal: 57 to 100

PART FIVE: the adjustment period

• athy essentially dealing with the fact that her entire life she thought her dad was a dirtbag but it turns out that it was all a misunderstanding so she’s trying to learn how to get along with the guy

• meeting her cousin jennette who’s all “!!!!!!! i have a cousin that’s almost a year younger than me!!!” and wants to get along with athy. she’s trying to see if jennette’s being genuine or not (spoilers: she is)

• also lucas manages to FINALLY tell athy that he thinks that she’s his texting buddy. and it’s that awkward relief that the person they like is the same person. although now lucas thinks that athy has a crush on a coworker of his or something while athy thinks that lucas is interested in a customer of his

• despite both of them being genuises. helena has the shared brain cell and she’s crying at the level of misunderstandings that’s going on when athy tells her about her crush on lucas and her adamant belief that he’s crushing on a customer

• cabel not so subtly trying to figure out who lucas likes -- it’s obvious to helena who highkey thinks lucathy is definitely gonna happen and will Definitely win the lucathy betting pool against lucas’s older brother, but cabel’s like “idk though athy doesn’t seem like his type”

• claude and diana deciding to get married; felix being claude’s best man, lillian being diana’s maid of honor, with athy taking part in the overall wedding planning

• during the wedding planning process for claudiana, athy is just looking at all these pictures and thinking “getting married,,,,, actually sounds kinda nice” and that comment more or less ends up slipping out while she’s sitting on the sofa at lucas’s apartment while looking through wedding pictures. and lucas just. freezes, staring at athy as she’s staring at her screen.

• lucas making a bet with her courtesy of Last Game (not gonna be the same words as yanagi since athy is Very much aware of social cues unlike kujou, but lucas WILL say “then i’ll be putting a ring on your finger” or something along the lines)

• chapter goal: 100 to 150

PART SIX: FINALLY TOGETHER

• i don’t know i really don’t know i just want them to finally get together by part six because if i keep delaying it in this outline i really might go insane the more slow burn i add to it

• wedding #2 except this time its claudiana getting married. they wanted to get married asap, but claude and athy both agreed that it would be worth it to see diana in a wedding dress because they both simp for her

• athy’s plus one is lucas since they both agreed to be each other’s emergency plus one after his brother’s wedding since. they’re both from prominent families so they want to avoid shit

• everyone’s asking lucathy if they have plans on getting married (a lot of claude’s wedding guests assume that athy’s dating lucas and lowkey wants to know if their sons or daughters have a chance)

• this is where the fake dating Really kickstarts which makes athy feel immensely guilty cause she’s lying to her mom tbh but lucas just swoops in and smoothly answers that it’s only natural that he intends on one day marrying athy and they’re pretty much #relationship goals despite not actually dating

• which is probably when she realizes that he Did mention something about marriage during their bet since his win meant that he’d be putting a ring on her finger

• only reason why claude hasn’t tried to lowkey murder lucas is cause it’s athy’s decision on who she dates and loves, but he Will murder lucas if he ever breaks her heart -- which, luckily for everyone, he hasn’t and won’t be

• especially cause lucas and athy Do start actually dating after claudiana’s wedding (because they end up talking because athy really stopped to think “holy shit am i the person that you like???” and cue lucas going “thanks for stating the obvious -- btw i won the bet” so guess who’s boyfriend/girlfriend but are Also technically fiance/es via bet)

• i am going to cry when lucathy are finally dating

• chapter goal: 151 to 178

CONCLUSION: lovey-dovey fluff

• it’s. as the title indicates. fluff. lovey-dovey pure fluff

• athy moving into lucas’s apartment. athy wearing his sweaters and clothes. matching scarves. athy “accidentally” leaving a lipstick mark on his cheek or lips idk yet but it’ll happen

• ring pop proposal ft. drunk athy. lucas ends up snickering and will ruthlessly tease athy over it, especially since cabel drunkenly got it all on camera and bawled over how “beautiful” it was. lucas said yes btw, and then a drunken helena started crying over it too repeating “he said Yes!!!!”

• then a proper lucathy proposal (although technically athy already gave lucas a ring and lucas already said he’d put a ring on her finger if he won the bet). it’s annoyingly casual for athy’s tastes, and if anyone ever asks how the proposal had gone, there will ALWAYS be a completely different story (“she proposed to me with a ring pop while she was drunk” or “he proposed via a bet before we were even dating” or “he proposed to me when we were having dinner and i choked on my cake” or “she thought i was joking about buying her a ring, but then i actually knelt down on one knee and proposed to her at the cafe when i was still on the clock” “i proposed to him after he made me dinner because of how good his cooking is”). all of it is true and valid, but Nobody knows and everyone thinks that they’re just joking around until the lucathy wedding invitation arrives in the mail a few months later

• maybe a lucathy wedding will be written cause i hate myself and want to make the chapter goal a nice round 200 and you know what they say -- 3rd time’s the charm

• do i want claude and diana to give athy a younger brother that would, undoubtedly, be like almost 21-22 years of an age difference between athy and the lil bro. i did the calculations guys, since in this au diana was 18 (claude was 17-18) when she gave birth to athy, and since athy is 21-22 in the present day, that means diana is 39 years old. it’s still very much a possibility for her to get pregnant and have another kid

• chapter goal: 179 to 200

i planned on posting this earlier, but i guess its an early valentines day post now LMAO

[theunconcernedembalmer]

what’s the issue with elisop? is it just bc you hc aesop as ace? im so concerned by seeing ppl adamantly opposed to mlm/wlw ships but im also genuinely curious about why you dislike it and other lgbt ships so much lol

hmm. that is a strong accusation, n i find it just a bit odd. are you new here? or perhaps you are taking personal offense at my dislike towards a favourite ship of yours and using the lgbt argument as moral high ground?

whatever the case may be, i thank you for asking. if u r truly looking for an answer, its below the cut n it is very very long. mind u these are all my personal opinions n i am in no way policing how others enjoy ships. just in case this wasnt clear; i dont wish to start discourse on this blog, especially since my takes are probably... unpopular.

firstly i would like to address the “disliking lgbt ships” bit, because this has very strong implications in itself. i have nothing against lgbt ships. i enjoy them, even. if the two characters have chemistry between each other, i ship it. however, the moment characterization is broken for the sake of romance, i lose interest. this is generally my stance on ships in general, n this applies for both straight n lgbt ships. 

the ships themselves are fine. however, i do have issues with the ship dynamics, so ill let u in on that.

i want to touch on mlm ships in particular; i believe u are familiar with the top/bottom dynamic that is rampant in these kinds of ships? (i wont deny that this dynamic can be found in other types of ships, but for arguments sake i will be focusing on gay ships because i feel that this occurs more commonly here) its such a popular dynamic that is prone to stripping the personality from one if not both characters, only for them to be reduced to being dominant/submissive. for a character to be pigeonholed into a stereotypical category based on... preferred sexual positions? its just downright insulting, never mind the larger more problematic implications of it. top/bottom is not indicative of someones personality, by the way. flattening multi dimensional characters into these stereotypes is so so so insulting.

unfortunately this is The Most Popular portrayal of just about any gay ship around. ive seen it being used everywhere in so many fandoms n it just about becomes apparent to me that ppl come to stories looking for a Ship. not the stories, nor the characters, just a ship. while id like to say theres nothing wrong with that, keep in mind not everyone is just looking for 2 characters that look pretty next to each other. if i ship something, i see interesting n meaningful interactions between 2 characters, which is so often not the case once u bring in the top/bottom dynamic. why is it so popular? because somehow this is what ppl like from a gay ship n hence it sells. ppl want the drama, characterizations be damned. ppl want to see the big kiss that happens in the end, n maybe the sexy parts that come after. characterizations be damned.

so u can say im a little wary of gay ships when they cross my feed. hell, as a joseph aesop shipper i see this trope everywhere n im pretty disappointed as well. small tangent but i feel like this is the reason why zh0ngli n ch1lde is so popular in g3nshin. i try to see the appeal, i really do, but after a long while of analyzing their respective characters i dont think they have as much chemistry as ppl think they do. dont even get me started on how incredibly ooc they make either of these very interesting n unique characters in ship portrayals. all because of the top/bottom dynamic that ppl want to see. i say this for that particular ship, but this is pretty much the case for a lot of ships out there, n the latter part is painfully true even when the 2 characters do have potential between each other. ill say it again im disgusted by the blatant disrespect to the characterizations if all ppl ever want is 2 pretty puppets to mush lips together. cos thats what theyre essentially reduced to this way.

n its so obvious to see when an artist subscribes to this rhetoric, because u can so clearly see it in the way they draw their characters. the “top” generally has sharper features to go with their “dominating personality”, while the “bottom” has disturbingly softer, feminine, dare i say sometimes child like features “to submit”. n thats where the uwu soft gay trope comes from, i believe. which, in case u still dont know, i hate with a burning passion.

so again for ppl with impaired reading comprehension, im fine with ships, including lgbt ones, but the moment u break characterization for the sake of the ship, im not that okay with it. u want to do it for a short crack comic? fine. but if thats the only way ur portraying the 2 characters then im immediately wary of ur content. ill still look at it cos usually the art is really good, but im very very wary. so im not “adamantly opposed”, just very critical of how the ships are being portrayed. if other ppl want to enjoy their ships like that, sure. just dont expect me to join in on something i dont agree on.

.

now id like to address not shipping “because i hc aesop as ace”. for ppl who are new to the blog (hello there), im an ace in a romantic relationship, so thats definitely not the reason i dont ship elisop. its more of being in a relationship has largely shaped my views towards romance as a whole. even before i met my boyfriend, i hated the romance genre in stories n media. most of it comes off as incredibly forced, especially those love triangles they seem to love putting into teen novels. thats one reason why i stopped reading when i was younger, but i digress.

did i partake in shipping when i was younger? i did. for a gay ship too (if anyone really wants to know, its kurotsukki from haikyuu. at least this was one that i can remember, i was mostly working on my 20 odd ocs for the longest time). i also used to write little short romance ficlets that i never posted anywhere cos i hated (n still do hate) my writing. but writing romance when u dont have experience was really just a way of projecting n probably a way of coping for myself, not that i knew at that time. but after i actually started a relationship with my boyfriend (whom i love n cherish a lot thank u very much), i began to see how much all these have skewed my views towards romance n have actually done some harm to our relationship. the bullshit that the general media feeds u constantly doesnt help in the slightest either.

quick topic shift to elisop in particular (about time, right?). i already stated that i only ship characters if i sense chemistry between the two personalities, n if u have seen the part where i dont ship elisop then u must have seen how agonized i am over not being able to have a concrete personality for eli. that is the main problem i have with elisop: eli does not feel like a solid character to me. n that is a huge problem, because if he doesnt have any defining characteristics besides being mild n nice, then he can be whoever i want him to be. (i have done this in my exorcist comics, i will admit this. n the fact that i can just do that... it really does not sit well with me personally.)

n that is dangerous.

back to young me doing lil ship things. i think its also pretty safe to say when u really do ship 2 characters, chances are u kinda really relate very very hard to at least one of them. that very quickly can turn into projecting, n shipping therefore is not “exploring the relationship between 2 characters” n it becomes “my preferred dating simulator 101″. of course this isnt always the case, but at least it was for me, n subconsciously it might be for lots of ppl too. n since this is ur mental playground, u call the shots, n there is no consequences if u slightly (or even entirely) alter one or both personalities to fit ur desired narrative. n u wouldnt even notice or know, cos ur blind to ur own biasness.

we bring our perceived notions into real life, im sure u know that. so when ur partner does not become that perfect knight in shining armour, or when they get upset at things that u do (which is a very normal thing by the way), n u think (very subconsciously), That isnt what my otp would do, something is wrong here (nothing is wrong, actually its just ur skewed perception of a stable romantic relationship). why wouldnt ur otp do this? because u are both halves of ur otps, there is no hidden secrets between them (apart from the pining part but thats irrelevant), n again they have been altered to fit ur preferred narrative. 

a real relationship requires a lot of communication between parties, because newsflash, liking someone doesnt mean that u have to like every single thing they do, they will make mistakes n it will hurt u, n guess what, the reverse is also true. if u do go with absoutely anything that they would do with 0 objections whatsoever, ur not crushing on someone, ur idolizing them, n that power imbalance is detrimental to a relationship. these things are not obvious to ppl, especially when the whole climate is hell bent on getting into romantic relationships by a certain age or some bullshit. communication is key n is pretty much the only way to solve relationship issues, because the other person has a lot that u r not seeing n vice versa. as similar as 2 ppl can be, i doubt u can have 100% the same thoughts on all things. i dont make the rules.

so in ur mental playground u focus on the fluffy parts, maybe there is communication, but rarely is there any meaningful conflict. thats unrealistic, n if u bring that mindset to an actual relationship, thats not going to end well. i say meaningful conflict, because yes, generally u shouldnt have conflicts with ur significant other. but inevitably when ur with each other for long enough, u will realize that there are habits that u must change in order to be with the other person. habits that are harmful to the other person directly, or harmful habits towards yourself that indirectly harm the other person. these are meaningful in a sense that if left alone, it will manifest into larger problems that will harm u, the other person n the relationship as a whole. its meaningful to the relationship.

all these is made even worse if ur neurodivergent. maladaptive coping practices, self sabotaging behaviours, inherent disabilities. all these must be adjusted n addressed. im so incredibly thankful for my boyfriend for being incredibly patient with me when working all these out, n it has not been easy for me to work on myself n all my problems, n im still not done working on them. this aspect is often not explored in romance in general (or properly), n there is a very good chance i would have still been stuck in the unhealthy mindset of “this isnt like my otp, maybe we’re not meant to be”. because loving someone is a choice. no one is made for each other, it is a conscious choice made between 2 ppl to make things work. this is how arranged marriages work, i am told, n i do see the appeal, not that it actually does appeal to me culturally.

special mention to the kurotsukki ship, cos from there i found a very, very good fic that explored their relationship before n after getting together, n it actually showed aspects of this problem in the incredibly slow burn of (at that time) 20+ chapters. it was just one fic (n a very good one at that, i believe it was called Leviticus), but it had a lesson i never thought i needed to learn, n learn it i did, with a lot of help from my dear. 

this is also probably the reason why i dont really want to delve too much into romance now. i know its a lot of work, n everything (mostly) that the media feeds u is really false advertising, but ppl eat that shit up n so it remains one of the most popular genres to date. im just very wary that if i do start on a romantic story, i want to be able to show it in a way like that fic did, the truths of relationships, because i dont want to make something that sells, i want to make something that meaningful to me, if a little indulgent. n that also includes being very careful in how the respective characterizations will change in a relationship. almost too careful now that i think about it, but its not something that i mind. i was never one for romance from the start, n now im very careful about shipping because of what happened to me persoanlly.

okay enough about me, lets talk about aesop. in any au u put the character in, the essence of the character must remain despite the change in environment. so lets say we have ur typical modern au. dead mom, check. shitty mentor doing illegal stuff? also check. autistic boy with social anxiety? we’re good to go. all these have implications on aesop as a character, n while ppl are aware of this, again the way they go about portraying it can go, in my personal opinion, very wrong. ppl who immediately woobify aesop completely because he has autism annoy me. ppl who reduce him to uwu soft boi cos he has social anxiety do not know how the disorder really works n as someone who has that i hate it to the core. ppl who do all these for the sake of ship have lost my respect. its insulting.

remember the top/bottom dynamic? not that elisop is completely free from that (even if i dont know much about eli, to put him in either one of those stereotypes feels very insulting to his character. i wont even say anything about doing it to aesop its so upsetting), but its not entirely made up of either. but now i want to introduce another trope i am very wary of, which is “i can fix him”. im sure u guys have seen the meme going around poking fun at this trope (for those who havent, its along the lines of “u can fix him? well i can be his worst nightmare”) n no doubt yall would have seen it n gotten sick of it in some forced hetero romantic bullshit. we have one damsel in distress with a saviour that solves all their problems just by existing n being romo with each other.

remember “my preferred dating simulator 101″? this is not mutually exclusive n from my point of view this is dangerously close to this trope. lets be real, if it was actually a thing that all ur deep rooted trauma magically disappears if someone were to waltz into ur life, we would want it. definitely. no painfully dissecting ur own problems n constantly facing them head on. real life states that this is not the case, but it will not stop us from dreaming. n so this trope is born n lives n will go on.

(finally) pulling aesop n eli into this, at least in my mind, u have one severely traumatized boy with lots of issues n u have this. nice mild guy who can be anything u want him to be. i hope u can see where im going with this, n thats the direction i see some elisop heading towards (i dont read a lot of elisop to be fair). if u came from my eli character talk, i mentioned that it is incredibly one sided. this is exactly what im talking about.

putting it all together in case u havent already, aesop is the damsel in distress, whose problems magically disappear because of elis godly kindness n little to no work on improving himself, n they lived happily n gayly ever after.

can u tell how much that does not appeal to me. 

never mind the butchering of character that inevitably happens somewhere somehow, the unrealistically perfect themes n implications of this trope makes me so viscerally uncomfortable. this is, of course, due to personal reasons, n i definitely see the appeal of this dynamic because i would probably have been interested in this once upon a time as well. but as i am now, with everything i have explained up there n everything i have been through, i would politely rather not.

n its difficult to think of another dynamic, because of how little i know about eli apart from him being this saint, which easily makes him a candidate for being aesops trauma panacea. never mind aesop rarely, if ever, does anything for eli as a character in return, n its so damaging to buy into this rhetoric, where a person like this who would solve all ur issues no strings attached exists somewhere in the world. they really dont. a relationship has to be mutually benefitting, or it will be draining n disastrous. maybe u say, Oh its nice to imagine it once in a while. n yeah, i agree, except once in a while is a little difficult to keep track of n that is sort of what happened to me. id rather stay as far away as possible from this kind of unrealistic fantasy, i just got this shit sorted out with myself n my boyfriend.

i have some other reasons, but theyre more personally problematic, so i wont go into them here. but this is mostly n generally why i do not ship elisop romantically. if u do, u do u, and have fun, but again dont expect me to join u. thank u for coming to my ted talk, this took a lot longer than expected.

[bean-pole-art]

Ed’s Borderlands Fics Masterpost

well finally

here is the masterpost of all of my Borderlands fics posted. most of them are Rhysothy focused to various AUs. I’m gonna update it as I post more but here it is, along with some of my commentary

right from the start big big BIG shoutout to @spoks-illogical-art​, my partner in crime, my biggest inspo, without them honestly most of these fics wouldn’t exist, please check out their amazing art <3

(latest edit - 21/02/2021)

Atlas AU - our main timeline, follows events of Moxxi’s Heist. lots of different concepts and ideas but the core really is Tim moving to Promethea to get help from Rhys. gonna sort em here with posting date, check the ao3 series for the “timeline”

Hypothetically - 2240 words summary: Rhys talks a lot, but usually thinks about it too little.

coffee, cats & monographs - 2880 words summary: “Hey hey, easy. You don’t want to repeat the accident from last week, do you?” Rhys cooed towards the cat and picked her up, just as Timothy instructed him to. Hearing these words, Felicity meowed. “Oh, don’t say that. This is my office and I have the power here,” he answered, carrying her back to his personal space.

Or Timothy's cat pays a visit to Rhys' office in the morning. note: I am a stupid mofo and at this point Tim would also have Loader Bot fkjbfd just imagine hes not mentioned cause hes wandering off, typical LB

Have Faith - 1470 words summary: During the 7 year lockdown at the Handsome Jackpot, Timothy couldn't really have any hope for himself. But maybe on Promethea it could be different. note: sudden feelings while watching JoltzDude139′s stream

Warm Cheeks, Cold Hands - 1170 words summary: Rhys comes home early and wants to say hi to his husband. With no ulterior motive. None at all. note: first fic Ive ever posted where characters are married, actually. fuck it, Rhysothy Real, his name is Rhys Lawrence

the battle (and the aftermath) of the ages - 2970 words summary: In a situation like this everything was possible, they could pull any punches they could think of. Four beasts playing against each other, every single one of them thinking of striking the winning blow.

Or Promethea Squad plays UNO. And then watches a movie. note: I love Promethea Squad with my whole heart

okurimono (贈り物) - 4/4, 17170 words summary: “Not a bomb. Just a device with a message for Rhys. Trust me on that,” this time an emoji of both winking and showing off a tongue [;P] appeared on the surface of Zer0’s helmet. Ah. So they were definitely trying to mess him up. In a way. Unfortunately, he really didn’t have any other options. Almost with a defeat, Timothy took the ECHOrecorder right from their hands and looked around it again. Or Zer0 gives Timothy a peculiar mission. note: my first ever multichapter fic. took me legit abt 8 months to finish but I am absolutely satisfied with this. also the bonus ending. yes

(there is) something I see in you - 8690 words summary: How one Rhys Strongfork met one Timothy Lawrence and how they fell for each other. More or less. note: best to go into this one blind, I swear. dumbest fic Ive ever written and please take this as a recommendation

this world is gonna pull through - 14380 words summary: Timothy really hoped it wasn’t anything important. He had that tendency to forget things easily, even if he tried to fight it. But Rhys kept on smiling and went by his side. So it couldn’t have been that bad. Still dumbfounded, he felt Rhys leaving a kiss right on his cheek.“November 11th? 

That- That seriously doesn’t ring any bells?” Rhys continued, brushing his hands against his shoulders. Or how Timothy spent one of his birthdays. note: also a love letter for Tim but a nicer one I guess kdjfnb dont ask how old is he i have no gdamn idea man

Strawberry Sweet - 3560 words summary: Rhys surprises Timothy with a gift for their date night in.

Happy Mercenary Day, Mr. Lawrence - 4670 words summary: How Timothy spent his first Mercenary Day on Promethea. note: I swear this is the best writer night Ive ever had. Ive written this whole thing in one night on Christmas day, solely on the inspo of that song I linked

Don’t Go Wasting Your Emotion - 4/4, 17080 words summary:  Afterwards, he went around with his usual duties. Getting a quick roundabout from his PA, checking several sectors himself and looking through the thousands of messages already sent to him via ECHOs. Rhys was ready to finally take on the day, yet when he made his way to the office, he saw the unusual envelope right by the edge of his desk. “For Rhys” was written on it. Straightforward enough. Or Rhys gets a letter from a secret admirer. note: another multichapter fic!! this one also took some time and well. its inspired by ABBA songs. cause only I would write a Rhysothy fic inspired by ABBA

Ratchet Effect - 7130 words summary: Knowing just how much overworked Rhys has been, Timothy wants to let them have a nice getaway in Lazy River Land. There's only one problem to overcome - ratch infestation. note: first fic of 2021!! Ive been playing a lot of bl3 suring the writing of it so it has a lot of stuff I had observed both on Promethea and on Jackpot

Reflections - 2250 words summary: Sometimes, Timothy needs a reminder.

Tales AU - second most important timeline. it’s Tales but Tim is a part of the group. sorted chronologically

A Story For Another Day - ongoing, for now -  2/25, 15280 words Tales AU main fic. it’s gonna be a big one

Connection Interrupted - 3240 words summary: With his driving shift finished, Timothy checks up on Rhys and Vaughn's plans.

Completely Hopeless - 1040 words summary: In which Fiona notices that Rhys behaves differently in front of a certain doppelganger.

infinity times infinity times infinity - 3460 words summary: Rhys and Timothy share some dreams and secrets underneath the stars. note: the beautiful combination of Sleeping At Last and Minecraft parodies. I promise it makes sense

reality can be whatever I want - 11420 words summary: “Hey, Tim?” Timothy didn’t even spare him a look, “Are we alone, or is he there with you?” Oh, this definitely won’t be pretty.

After the confession of Handsome Jack's AI in his head and his plan to infiltrate Helios, Rhys needs to set things right with Timothy. Somehow. note: thanosdancing.gif to Backstreet Boys’ “I Want It That Way” 80′s remix and a guest appearance from Ferocity but I cant legally say her name here

still here - 2820 words summary: It all had to go down, after Helios crashed. note: I have...a love/hate relationship with this one kjdfbfg I like it but it’s honestly an alternate ending and doesnt fit within our usual bad ending, so take it with a grain of salt. i ten jebany błąd językowy w summary, kiedy ja go poprawię

together at last - 5590 words summary: It all struck him down in an instant, in this one minute. They were all safe. And they were all alive. Nothing was threatening neither him, nor Timothy, nor Fiona. He could finally breathe out.

They all found each other again. note: I am multitasking most time of my life but I dont relate any other fic to multitasking more than this one. I was honestly doing 10 things at once while writing this dfkjbndf

David AU - this one is a sub AU to Tales AU and the plot is kind of complicated dfjkbfb please check the fic for further explanation

building in curved lines - 22490 words summary: “To be fair, you look terrible. You’re barely standing in one piece and none of your coffees will hold you together for that long,” Lilith paused, seemingly weighing the correct words in her head. “You haven’t really been holding on since… We rescued The Double.” Rhys sighed heavily. Why did she have to be so right about everything. Or how Rhys and Timothy adjust to the reality after the Handsome Jack AI. note: bday gift for Spok, EASILY one of my absolute faves and the longest fic Ive written thus far

outside of AUs - some concepts I play with that are honestly outside any of our concrete timelines/concepts + fics not focused on Rhysothy

Real - 770 words summary: Reconciling with your past is a little easier, when you have someone you love right in your arms. note: first blands fic I’ve ever written. the characterization isn’t really there yet but as a first shot at the game and my kind of “introduction”, I am still satisfied of it

(Un)Familiar Faces - 9620 words summary: Timothy pursed his lips and leaned over the wall a little. He’s had enough of this solitude of closed doppelganger cabinet. Today wasn’t the day for another self-loathing session. Today, he should go off on Helios and do something for himself.

Or Timothy spends the night at a Helios bar. But not as Handsome Jack. And not as Timothy Lawrence either. note: personal favorite of mine, tough love letter to Timothy Lawrence. I have so many fond memories of writing this, including getting drunk out of my mind just like Tim and Rhys here

basics of survival - 2010 words summary: Athena taught Timothy everything he needed to know about survival. Now, it was time to put these skills into use. note: wrote this right before rona outbreak on last day in my dorms. thats all

[doc-pickles]

it’s nothing funny just to talk (p. 1)

What happens when you text that random number graffitied on a bathroom stall in your favorite bar? Jo Wilson is about to find out. - In which Bar Princess and Doctor Evil Spawn meet via text.

More Jolex on your timeline because y’all seemed to love what I posted before! Also I’ve posted this whole piece on AO3 as well so it might look familiar.  

this idea came to me in a fever dream and i am not sorry that y'all have to deal with it. 99% of this fic will be in "texting" format, so be prepared for that. 

Jo is regular Alex is italics

Saturday 11:04 PM

heeeeey is thiss doctor evil?

I gotta say ur phone sex namee needs sum weerk

u soud like a comic book village 

fuck

village

VILLAIN

Who the hell is this? And how did you get my number? 

i’m just a girl at thee bar!!!! 

Joe’s Bar?

noooooo

i’m at enerlad city bar

You didn’t answer my question. 

u asked a quesitoon?

whata was it?

i’m goos at takifjg tests 

How’d you get my number?

it qas in the bathrooom!!!

it said “for a good tiem txt dr evil spawne” 

so I did

I am ready to havee fun

You’re drunk, obviously, and I’m going to have to kill Cristina for putting my number up. 

ooooooh is thatt ur girleifnd?

hirlefiend 

girlfriend**

Wow you’re really gone. And hell no, she’s my roommate. One of them. 

ooooh how many do u hav

roomees not girlfriends 

Three. Two girls and a dude. 

intereeesting...

well it’s tome for fireball shoots

steph is yeeling at me 4 txting too much

goodbey doctor eviel apawn!!

Oh lord. Tell Steph you need water. Or an IV. 

I’ve got her. she’s throwing up on her shoes. thanks doctor. - steph

  Sunday 10:11 AM

You know you’re pretty funny, Bar Girl. 

jesus christ what fucking time is it?! 

10 AM

I’m assuming you have a massive hangover. 

hold on I can’t hear you over the sound of me vomiting

TMI as the kids say these days. 

what’re you a grandpa or something?? 

No I just don’t know how to use text lingo. Except WTF. I know that one very well. 

quick question

who the fuck are you?

Dr. Evil Spawn. You found my name graffitied in the bathroom of Emerald City Bar. 

holy shit

I thought I dreamed that... WHAT THE FUCK

Nope. I’m real. 

holy shit i’m so sorry

my texts were so annoying

Who hurt you? I mean you were shitfaced, I’m assuming someone broke your heart into tiny pieces. 

the opposite actually, I was at a bachelorette party

not mine, i’m so single it hurts

Ahhh that makes sense. So you got shitfaced in solidarity? 

exactly you get it

you seem like you’d be the DD at a bachelorette party

Well seeing as I’m a dude I don’t do Bachelorette parties. 

Well I did go to one, but that’s a different story.  

hmmm you seem like a very interesting man doctor evil spawn 

going to bachelorette parties, living with women who aren’t your girlfriend 

OMG ARE YOU DATING THE GUY YOU LIVE WITH?!

George? No absolutely not. And before you ask, my other girl roommate is gay. 

so you’re single?

i’m only asking so when you murder me the police have as much information as possible

Haha very funny. I would be a terrible murderer. 

you didn’t answer my question

Fine. Yes I’m single. 

i’ll note that in the “serial killer file” i’m building 

gotta go, I have to do work :/

Have fun, don’t die. 

  Sunday 8:38 PM

Arizona is trying to set me up on a blind date. 

who’s arizona?

My gay roommate. She wants me to meet this “bubbly blonde” she knows from her pilates class. 

ahhhh. why don’t you go?

Bubbly blonde is not my type. Sounds like she’ll spend the whole date talking about how much she loves dogs or her knitting hobby. 

Plus she does pilates, that tells me more than enough. 

you’re making some good points. I don’t pity you. 

You better not. How was work?

the longest day of my life

it was just paperwork, I don’t actually work on the weekends

What do you do?

hmmmm that’s exactly what a serial killer would say

i’m an elementary school teacher

Oh so you sing and dance and paint pictures all day?

what school did you go to?

were working on multiplication tables and basic photosynthesis tomorrow

Wow that sounds like a lot.

it’s may, ive got three weeks of school left so I have to cram all the crap we didn’t cover into these last few weeks 

Ahhh that sounds more accurate.

and what do you do? 

besides text strangers that you don’t know

I’m a pediatrician. 

oh so you make kids cry and wipe snotty noses all day? two can play at that game

Well we both have to deal with snotty noses sooo...

I GET IT!! Doctor Evil Spawn!! 

why evil spawn though? 

I wasn’t this nice when I started med school. My personality is an acquired taste. 

ha! that’s a funny joke. 

so if you’re a fancy schmancy doctor why do you live with three other people?

I’m only a resident, not making the big bucks yet. Everyone else is a doctor too. 

are they all pediatricians?

No. Arizona is too but Cristina is a cardiologist and George is a trauma specialist. 

interesting!! I too live with my coworkers. it’s not fun. 

the table is always covered in craft supplies. 

Well I can never read the grocery list on the fridge. Stupid doctors script...

oh that’s a classic. you’re pretty funny Dr. Evil Spawn

Thanks Bar Girl. 

I gotta go. monday tomorrow and you know how fourth graders can be. night!! 

Night . 

  Monday 9:47 AM

there’s not enough coffee in the world for monday mornings. 

  Monday 10:52 AM 

Sorry I was yelling at the interns. We have a decent coffee cart here. Keeps me alive. Are you texting in class?

no it was recess

now they’re at spanish class

i’m not totally irresponsible 

Oh good to know the future of America is in good hands. Teacher Princess is “not totally irresponsible”

teacher princess?

Well, Cinderella lost her shoe, you puked on yours. Same thing. 

wooooooooow

that was so uncalled for...

I thought it was funny. Gotta go set a broken arm. 

broken arm vs. adverbs... can we switch? have fun lol

  Monday 3:26 PM

I don’t even think I know what an adverb is. 

how did you become a doctor??

Don’t need to know adverbs to fix a couple broken bones and snuffy noses. 

oh darn I should’ve gone to school for seven more years then

Haha. How were the adverbs?

better than expected, grading papers while I wait for my roomies to be done

we carpool, saving the environment and shit

Okay Eco Warrior.

you text like a 60 year old man

you’re not a 60 year old man are you?

No I’m a 28 year old man though

28 a doctor and you’re single? your personality must be worse than you described 

I’m a busy man, I don’t have time to settle down. And I have no desire to. 

yet you have time to text a complete stranger? 

hmmmm interesting...

Ouch, that one hurt Princess. 

steph is making me socialize with the other teachers

if I don’t respond, they killed me or dragged me to an essential oil party

Hahahaha

  Monday 5:18 PM

Did you get roped into a pyramid scheme?

nooo but therew as wine

I should sotp drunk texting you so often 

It makes your presence that much more entertaining. And bearable. 

woah woah dude

i’m a gem 

I can tell. Elementary school teacher with a heart of gold. 

awwww your too sweet tome

It’s a Monday. Who the hell gets drunk on a Monday?

teachers

we deserve it

You’re a teacher and you’re single and still going to Bachelorette parties. You’re what, 23? 

i’m 25 and i’m doing greta thanks you very nuch 

cnat believe that i’m supplying my perosnal info to a serial killer

What makes you so sure that I’m a mass murderer? 

ur weird nickname and ur intimate knowledge of the himan body

Mmm yes well a good amount of women do find themselves screaming around me often. Or under me. On top of me...

omg are you sending me dirty jokes

you’re crazy 

What can I say. 

Gotta go, I’m on call tonight. Get to bed safe, Bar Princess. 

mmmkay thanks Doc

  Wednesday 11:29 AM

What do you think is worse: School lunch or hospital food?

hospital food, no doubt

thursday is mac and cheese day here... I could bathe in that stuff

We have Spaghetti Wednesday but that’s the only good thing here. 

mmm how depressing

the teachers do a pot luck once a month and that’s always good

the art teacher next door to me makes the BEST blueberry muffins. 

Lucky. All I get here is vending machine cookies. Anything interesting happening in the elementary world? 

a first grader got lice last week so naturally we all have it now

I had to chop off six inches of my hair

Holy crap. Lice can be vicious, be thankful you didn’t have to shave your head. 

it feels like I did, my hair hasn’t been above my shoulders since the backstreet boys were still touring

Wow. I’m glad to know you’re well cultured. 

of course I am

gotta go, kids are back from music class

Don’t be too hard on them, they deserve a break every once in awhile. 

  Thursday 3:06 PM

Incoming Voice Call

“Jenna you forgot your lunch pail. Have a good day!”

“Hello?”

“Hi Mrs. Peters. I didn’t grade Henry’s test yet, I’ll have it tomorrow. Thanks bye!”

“Helloooo?”

“Steph I gotta grab my things, I’ll be there in a seco- oh shit. Hello?”

“Bar Princess?”

“Doctor Evil Spawn? I must’ve butt dialed you, I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay I... I don’t mind the interruption. Are you leaving work?”

“Just about, we’re wrapping up the solar system and I have to bring home the diorama.”

“I was never good at the models, I prefer working with the real thing.”

“Oh ho, a man that works with his hands. I can appreciate that.”

“You know now we’re officially talking and we still don’t know each other’s names.”

“Well around here I’m Miss Wilson, but you can call me Jo.”

“Jo. Hmm I like chicks with dudes names. I’m Dr. Karev but you can call me Alex.”

“Well nice to kinda meet you Alex. I’ll talk to you soon, I gotta get out of here.”

“Talk to you later.”  

  Thursday 4:34 PM

I wouldn’t mind if you were my teacher.

how did I know you’d send me something along those lines

I’m predictable. I’m still calling you Bar Princess. 

as you wish doctor evil spawn

I get to assist on a surgery today. Tonsillectomy. 

like removing tonsils? that’s awesome

for you, not for the kid

Oh she’ll be fine, she gets ice cream and jello for a week.  

okay yeah I might be jealous of her now

id love to be off work for a week and have you waiting on me hand and foot

the ice cream is a nice bonus

You think that’s my job?

well you said you aren’t making the big bucks yet so.... yeah 

Keep dreaming. I’ll talk to you later, gotta scrub in. 

have fun!!!!

[fanficsrusz]

New family - John Wick oneshot

A/n: just a super fluffy request from @all-thingslovely.

Summary: After dating John for a while, its finally time for john to meet y/n's daughter. But, will she accept him?

_______________

Running her hands over the smooth material of her dress, y/n smiled as she turned looking at her outfit in different angles. It was a simple off the shoulder dress that flared out at the bottom and rested just above her knees, it hugged her figure in all the right ways. She felt and looked beautiful. Taking one last look in the mirror she decided that her loose hair and simple make up were perfect and so turned to her daughter for approval. “What do you think” y/n looked at her daughter, Josie, who was just sitting on the bed.  Josie was y/n’s 13 year old daughter from a previous marriage that fell apart when y/n husband was killed at war. It has taken several years but y/n had started to date again and this is what josie didn't like. Josie never told her mum why she hated her dating so much and was planning on keeping that way, so whenever y/n would find a new guy, josie would do everything in her power to make sure they wouldn't stay together. Was it selfish? Yes. did she care? no

Josie gave a small smile and stood up hugging her mum. “You look beautiful as always mum. Do you really need to go out with him again?” y/n sighed and pulled josie to sit down on the bed with her.

y/n had been seeing a certain John wick for a few months now, the longest she had dated anyone since the end of her first marriage and she had fallen for him hard. He was perfect. Perfect smile. Perfect eyes. Perfect everything.

“JJ. you know how much i love you right?” y/n paused and watched at josie fell back on the bed before nodding in agreement. “Then why are you always against me going out with men?” josie shrugged and continued to look up at the ceiling, avoiding any eye contact with her mum. Josie knew why she hated the thought of her mum falling in love again but she didn't want to admit it. How could she? So instead she fell into this routine of just trying to push any man away from her mum.

Looking at her daughters saddened expression, y/n fell back onto the bed laying next to josie. “Look, I really like John, and if you will let me, i would like you two to meet soon. I think you two would like eachother” those words made josie jump up and tears to pool in her eyes. “WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO ME TO MEET HIM? I DON’T WANT TO MEET HIM” she practically screamed and y/n was shocked. She had never seen her daughter act like this, especially to her. Josie saw the shock in her mum’s eyes and looked down saying a small sorry. y/n stood and hugged her, kissing the top of her head. “I don't know why you hate the idea of me dating so much but when i come back later, i want you to tell me why ok? So you better get your story straight”.

As if on cue, there was a knock at the door. “That must be John. right little miss, behave and i will be back no later than 10. If anything was to happen-” josie interrupted her “ yeah yeah i know. Call the police ``. y/n smiled and kissed her again “ i love you jj.” “love you too mum”. y/n ran down the stairs to meet john and josie watched from the window as the two walked to the car john had; a mustang. As much as she hated to admit it, johns car was pretty decent.

“y/n you look stunning” john smiled as she opened the door, “I could say the same about you” she laughed and john kissed her on the cheek. He was wearing a plain black shirt and jeans with a leather jacket, but somehow he still managed to look good in a such a simple outfit. Walking to the car, john caught the sight of josie standing at the window looking down at them, he gave a small wave with a smile which was returned by the young girl walking off. Johns smile fell and y/n looked at him with a sympathetic smile. “Dont worry about it, she's like that with everyone. I'm sure once she gets to meet you properly, she will love you” y/n tried her best to reassure him as they began to make their way to the cinema for their date.  

y/n and john had felt a connection from the second they had met, it was like an electric shock that awoken something within them and y/n  had finally felt happy for the first time in a long time and once she found out that John had lost his wife, it was as if their lives were destined to cross paths.  It also helped that John was a hot. Even Though he was older than herself, john had this aura about him that drew y/n. his eyes were a deep brown that told the story of his life and his hair was on the longerside and framed his face that had a slight beard. He was perfect.

“What are you thinking about?” John asked as he drove, y/n looked at him and smiled, “just how similar we are”  john chuckled and looked at her briefly before she continued “except for your job. That scares me. I don't even know how you did that for so long” she joked. John had told her about his job a while back and was shocked when she didn't run for the hills but he did reassure her that he had gotten out for good this time.  “You know i wouldn't let anything happen to you. Or to josie” he spoke and y/n smiled “I know ``. y/n sat back in her seat as john pulled the car into the car park. “Im worried about josie, john. I just want her to be happy. I want to be happy. I want her to accept you to accept us” john faced y/n and pulled her face so she would look at him in the eyes before placing a deep kiss to her lips. “ its true that you should want your daughter to be happy, but that doesn't mean sacrificing your own happiness. She will just have to learn to deal with it” y/n smiled and pulled away from the man in front of her. “Come on, we’re going to miss out film” and with that the two began to make their way inside the cinema.

4 hours later and john was dropping y/n off outside her house. “I still don't understand how the film could end like that…. I need more answers” y/n rambled as the two walked towards the front door and john just stared at the woman. y/n stopped as she reached the front door, turning to face john. John suddenly pushed his rough  lips against y/ns soft ones. He moved his lips against hers skillfully and y/n couldn't help but let out a small moan and john pulled back. “I love you” he whispered and y/n smiled. “I….i love you too. This was the first time either of them had said those three words. It almost felt alien for them to fall from her mouth. The pair resumed their previous kiss and it was only interrupted when the door was pulled open revealing an angry Josie. The two parted and looked at the girl. “Uhhh hi. You must be Josie. I've heard so much about you”. John turned to the young girl and offered his hand, josie just looked at it giving him a disgusted look, instead turning to her mother. “You're late” josie said sternly. It was as if y/n was her daughter, coming back past curfew. y/n was so embarrassed about the rudeness her daughter was displaying, this wasn't how she had raised her.

Moving to stand next to her daughter, y/n patted the top of josie's blonde hair in a way which warned josie that she was being rude and that she would be in trouble if she didn't at least pretend to be nice. “JJ dont you have anything to say to john?” y/n spoke with a tone that josie knew was her strict voice. Josie turned to john before sighing, she didn't want  to upset her mum. “Ive….. heard of you” she spoke as if the words were venom in her mouth before she turned and stormed off into the living room. y/n turned to john and looked at him apologetically. “Im sorry. She doesn't really like me dating, i'm going to talk to her. She just needs to grow up.`` John just smiled understanding what the girl must have been going through. “Kids are hard. She’s just looking out for you. Don’t worry about it and don’t be too harsh on her. I’ll call you tomorrow” john gave y/n one last kiss before walking off to the car, taking one last glance at her before he drove off.

y/n walked into the house, following after josie before finding her sitting on the floor holding a picture of her dad, tears streaming down her face. “JJ?” y/n called walking slowly over to the young girl on the floor. She crouched and josie wiped the tears from her face. “What's wrong?” josie just ignored her and y/ns sat next to her properly pulling her into a hug and josie just burst into tears and y/n stroked her hair waiting for the girl to calm down before she was able to tell her why she was crying.

Once her tears slowed, y/n moved josie to look at her. “Are you ready to tell me why you're so upset?” josie nodded and looked at her fathers picture, a single tear falling onto the glass. “ I miss dad so much” she mumbled and y/n felt the tears in her eyes as well. People said time was a good healer but it still hurt so much. “I miss him to JJ” y/n’s voice cracked and josie looked at her before continuing. “ mum. I don't want you to replace dad. I don't want you to forget about him” y/n was shocked that her daughter would think this. “Is this why you don’t like me dating? Why you don’t like john?” josie nodded and y/n pulled her in for a hug. “JJ i would never even dream of replacing him. He holds a very special place in my heart but so does john. I love him” josie pushed her mum away in anger. “ YOU ARE REPLACING HIM. YOURE TRYING TO REPLACE DAD WITH JOHN. HOW COULD YOU.” josie stood up and stormed off. She had misunderstood what y/n meant and rushed to her own conclusion. “that's not what i-” y/n couldn't even finish her sentence as josie ran to her room, slamming the door behind her. Standing up, y/n looked at the picture of her late husband. “You were always so much better at this than I was” she closed her eyes and held the picture to her chest before placing back in its spot on the mantelpiece.

Walking towards josie's room, josie’s words raced around her head. She knew what she must do in order to make her daughter happy even if it meant her own happiness was neglected. y/n knocked on the door and waited for a response that never came. Opening the door she was met with josie curled up on her bed, a soft “go away” fell from the girls lips. y/n ignored her and walked over to sit next to her, stroking her hair she began to speak. “JJ i love you so much and I think you’re right” y/n sighed hating what her next words would be. She closed her eyes before continuing. “in the morning I will call john and end things. I will stop seeing him”. A tear fell from her eye and josie sat up, suddenly feeling guilty. This is what she wanted all along, but why didn't she feel happy? “Mum-” y/n held up her hand and gave a weak smile, brushing off any attempts of josie trying to reassure her. “I think it's time you went to bed.” and y/n left the room making her way towards her own bed. “My own happiness doesn't matter as long as JJ’s happy” she whispered to herself, trying to justify her decision.

It was 4am and y/n was awoken by the ringing of her phone. She opened her eyes and grabbed her phone, holding it to her ear. “Hello?” y/n asked not even bothering to read the caller id, her sister's voice soon echoed through the other end of the line “oh God y/n i need help. There's been an accident with mum. You need to get here now” y/n bolted up as she began to panic. She didn't need this right now. y/n ran to gather things before running into josie's room but she soon stopped. She didn't want to upset the girl with news that her grandmother was hurt. “What should I do?” she whispered to herself contemplating various options, she didn't have friends close enough to leave her with and other family members were to far away. There was only one person left. Sighing she began to wake josie up. “JJ wake up” the girl mumbled in her sleep before waking up. “mum? What's wrong?” the girl sat up. “Um, there's been an accident at work and I need to go and attend to it. Im begging you to just go along with my plan and I will make it up to you” the girl nodded “ im going to take you to John’s-” thats all the girl needed before she started to yell and y/n grew impatient and annoyed, she wasn't one to normally argue with her daughter. In Fact she was normally very calm and lenient, but she didn't have time to play games . “JOSIE I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS” y/n shouted, scaring Josie a little. “Please” she whispered and josie just nodded, knowing when her mum was being serious and began to get dressed.

10 minutes later and y/n was knocking on the johns front door. She had been there a few times before but his house still amazed her. A sleepy john opened the door, stood in some baggy tracksuit bottoms and a white shirt, john looked adorable. His hair was messy and he rubbed his eyes, if under any other circumstances, y/n would have swooned at how good he looked. “y/n? What's wrong?” John asked, concerned laced his voice. Who wouldn’t be concerned when their girlfriend suddenly appeared at their front door at God knows what time. “there's been an incident, im so sorry to ask you to do this, but do you mind watching Josie for me? It will only be for a few hours I promise” she quickly explained and john looked down at the girl who didn't make any eye contact, instead she stood with her arms crossed. John nodded “sure, absolutely.” he smiled and y/n turned to josie “ be nice” y/n said kissing her head and josie just nodded. “Thank you” y/n mouthed to john and ran off to go to her mother's house.

Stepping aside, he invited josie inside. “Umm it's nice to finally meet you JJ” josie gave john an angered look as she walked inside “only my mum gets to call me that” she snapped and john held up his hands in defence “sorry. Umm do you want anything to eat? Drink?” josie shook her head, instead she just walked into the living room and sat on the sofa. She didn't want to admit it but johns house was massive and beautifully designed. She looked at the photos on the wall and stopped on one. It was john with another woman and she felt angry. “Whos the women john? I thought you loved my mum” she spoke in a sarcastic tone and John looked at the picture the girl was talking about. “Ohhh shes my wife. Well she's dead now actually” josie suddenly felt guilty. “Oh im sorry” she said quietly “don't be. You're just worrying for your mum.” josie sat there for a moment longer before speaking “how did she die?” John sat next to her and leaned back “well she got sick and it eventually became too much for her to handle. It was the hardest time of my life, but ive had time to heal ``. he looked down and it was obvious it still hurt him. Jossie knew the pain he felt. “ my dad died at war” it was her turn to look down and her heart ached. Looking up she saw a few more pictures on the coffee table of him and a women, except this time it was pictures of john and y/n. Picking up one of them she looked over it, she had never seen this photo before. In the photo, y/n smiled looking at the camera and john was behind her pulling a silly face. She hadn't seen her mum look that happy for so long and she felt herself smile at the picture. She turned to John who was also looking at the picture. She was about to say something but a movement in the hallway caught her eye. A dog came running in barking and rushed over to the girl. “OH MY GOD YOU HAVE A DOG?????”. Josie screamed in excitement and began to fuss the animal. “What's his name?” she asked looking up at john “dog” he replied dead pan and josie just laughed. “That's a stupid name. Mum wont let me have a dog” she pouted, causing John to smile. He looked at the girl as she played with the dog, she looked exactly like her mother and her smile was the same. John had never had the chance to have his own child and he felt a small ache in his heart.

Not wanting to face the pain, he looked at the clock and it read 6am “there's no point in going back to bed now. Ummm do you want to watch some tv?” John asked and josie noddeed. John turned to the tv and went straight to the horror channel forgetting about the young girl next to him. He hated to admit it but he loved horror films. “You like horror films?” josie said shocked and john looked at the girl suddenly remembering her presence. “Oh, sorry. We can watch cartoons instead” jossie shook her head “nonononon i looooovvvvvvveeeee horror films. Mum never lets me watch them” john laughed at y/ns concern imagining how overprotective she was. “Its because she cares about you a lot.” jossie looked down at her hands. She had only been around john for about and hour and she finally understood why her mum had fallen in love with the man. He was kind, considerate, he loved animals and was one of the only men who didn't run away from y/n the second they found out she had a daughter. Josie had also realised just how much they had in common. Maybe jossie had grew up suddenly or maybe she had actually begun to liked john but Josie sighed and turned to john. “How much do you love my mum?” she asked quietly and john looked up smiling “I love her a lot. She has made me so happy and I don't think I could manage without her now. She's beautiful and full of life. You’re a lot like her actualy” he looked at jossie and saw the guilt in her eyes. “Why do you ask?” jossie fell to knees suddenly and began to apologise. John was confused and stopped her “why are you apologising” josie wiped away a tear and began to tell him the truth. “I'm so sorry. When you left last night me and mum argued and I told her that I didn't want you to replace my dad and she must have felt guilty because she said that she would end things with you in the morning” she watched at sadness took over John's face and she suddenly stood up causing John to jump “wait. I have an idea.” josie spoke excitedly pulling a wicked smile as she hatched a plan. “Should I be scared? Your mum pulls the same face when she suddenly gets a weird idea” john laughed as josie began to explain her plan.

5pm and y/n was finally back from her mother's house, thankfully it was nothing serious and y/n was ready to pick up Josie and to go home. Walking up to the front door, y/n found a note waiting for her on the doorbell. She read the words carefully

‘y/n

Come to the garden for a special surprise

J & J’

Y/N was confused but smiled at the little note and made her was to the garden. As she walked around the side of the house, Dog came running  up to her with a small bow tie on and another note. She stroked the dog “what on earth is going on?” she asked the dog as he barked and she read the note. ‘Hello y/n. I am your waiter for the evening. Please follow me to your table’ and as if the dog knew, he ran off to the garden. As she walked around the corner, y/n gasped. Fairy lights were hung across the trees and illuminated the garden as the sun was setting. A small blanket was hung between two trees and a small projector connected to a laptop was set up. A picnic blanket laid across the grass with a hamper set up. “John? JJ?” she called as she struggled to contain the smile that spread across her face at the scene in front of her. “Welcome home” johns deep voice called from behind her. It was like smooth honey to her ears.  y/n spun around and saw john stood there in his jeans and a shirt. He looked stunning. “John what is all this?” she asked and he smiled “ well josie explained the little argument you guys had and she had the idea to do this to make up for it. This was all her idea. I couldn't have done this without her” y/n looked down as the young girl stepped out from behind john. “Josie?” she asked and the girl smiled weakly. “Surprise” she said and y/n walked over to her “mum i just wanted to apologise. I shouldn't have gotten in the way of your happiness. I was being so childish and stupid that i didnt see how good john was for you. John will never replace dad and im ready to accept him into the family.” josie grabbed her mums hand and placed it into john's hand. y/n cried and turned to josie. “JJ i don’t know what to say. Thank you” she kissed her daughter on the cheek and john began to pull y/n over to the picnic whilst josie stayed behind with dog.  John stopped half way and turned to face the girl “you coming?”. Josie laughed and ran over to the two “call me JJ john” she said as she hugged her mother's side. y/n gave John a shocked look at the girls desire for john to call her the nickname that only she had ever called her by. John looked just as shocked.

Eventually josie had fallen asleep on the picnic blanket as she cuddled up to Dog. John and y/n hugged as the film they were watching finished. “What have you done to my real daughter?” y/n joked as she looked up at john and he just shrugged “ I did nothing”. She leaned up and kissed john passionately “well im happy thats shes happy. And im happy I have you. I love you” she whispered leaning against his shoulder and he looked down at the scene in front of him “I love you too” he said kissing the top of her head.  John had finally got his little family and josie had finally accepted the man her mother loved. It was as if the world had fallen into place for all three of them.

The end

____________

Taglist

@gwenebear

[darkarfs]

This is gonna make so many horrible people unhappy. EVERY Takeover has had at least one match-of-the-year candidate on it. Some of the most emotional moments in that brand have come from cards that even aren't quite as good. I even considered not doing this list, because, by all accounts, NXT Takeover: Tampa isn't even going ahead. But then I thought, fuck it, let's celebrate, taken all together, for my taste, the best wrestling product in the history of mankind. It's not just moves; it's emotional investment, sharply-focused, character-based storytelling, intricately-performed spectactle from the greatest physical specimens ever to lace their boots. It FINALLY legitimized Western women's wrestling in the mainstream (Michelle McCool, Trish, Molly, Mickie, Jazz, Victoria, you all were stunning performers in your own right, but you and your kind were, until NXT, only given 3 minutes: the longest women's match IN HISTORY, until 'Mania 32, was Trish Stratus vs. Mickie James at Wrestlemania 22, and it got 9 minutes.), it's got some of the greatest tag wrestling ever seen on ANY brand, it's created the longest-drawn storytelling ever, it's the best of the indies, the best of the WWE, wrapped up in a sequence of shows that were epic without being FIVE FUCKING HOURS LONG.

Where do I even start...?

Honorable mention: Takeover: R Evolution (I have to, because I've only got 10) Sami Zayn spends over a year, clawing and sweating and tearing walls down, just to get to the top of the mountain in NXT. He has the opportunity to cheat, but does it his OWN way, as beautiful, unique babyface Sami Zayn...before being no-scoped by his best friend, who debuted THAT NIGHT. The undercard isn't as strong, so I can't officially include it, but this payoff, this triumph, and this tragedy represents everything the first era of NXT was, and kickstarted it, truly, onto its first golden era. So, properly, then...

10. Takeover: Rival If you leave this list feeling like the title reigns, and thus, ERAS, of Zayn/Owens are a little under-represented by it, I completely understand. After all, so much good came from that time. American Alpha soldifying themselves as the dominant tag team, the Iron-Woman match between Sasha and Bayley, Becky Lynch putting all the pieces together, Enzo and Cass actually being GOOD...it was, still, at its heart, a developmental brand at that time. It had indie megastars, yes, but it also had the likes of Bull Dempsey. And that's not a dig at Bull Dempsey, it's just that those early Takeovers were an eclectic mix of skill levels, which is what NXT was at that time. It was a place to showcase these people. That said, some of these cards were truly *fantastic.* Case in point: Takeover: Rival. Not only was the undercard completely stacked (Hideo Itami vs. Tyler Breeze over-delivered; we had the first and still SOMEHOW ONLY Fatal 4-Way match between the Four Horsewomen; and Finn Balor vs. Neville was a solid match of the year candidate), but the main event was the first step in one of the most storied rivalries in the history of wrestling: Zayn vs. Owens. The video package is one of the best NXT ever did, and the match...was a masterpiece of simple-but unexpected booking. Zayn mistimes a leap to the outside, hits his head, and Owens responds by powerbombing him over...and over...and over again, until the ref stops the match. Zayn loses nothing, because he was never pinned, Owens is made to look even MORE the loathsome monster, and Zayn's title reign ends after just a month, without the champion nor the championship devalued in any way. It showed that NXT knew, even then, how to reward fans for their emotional investment.

9. Takeover: Portland Right now, NXT feels like it's approaching the very end of a special time in its life. Like it's on the verge of hitting critical mass. One of either Gargano or Ciampa probably leaving the company after the next Takeover, and the reign of the Undisputed Era seems to be crumbling, too. In yesteryear, this would indicate a raft of very important call-ups, neccessitating a shift in the roster and a period of calm centered around more patient character-building. NXT's existence now as a third brand throws that formula into uncertainty, but it definitely feels like they're ramping up to a finale, because goddamn, this is NXT almost at a point of self-parody. Every match is so. MUCH. Lee/Dijakovic is the pinnacle of HOT wrestling (and Lee, will you marry me?) Bianca Belair breaks out as an actual superstar...just as Charlotte decides to visit and to ruin everything, which is just dreadful timing. Gargano/Balor being everything we need it to be, and also Balor pinning Gargano with his fucking dick. And the Broserweights being VERY DUMB...but also VERY, VERY GOOD. The only thing that lets this card down...and this is obviously subjective...is that NXT has almost come TOO FAR, now, in its delivery on its main events, in that every kickout starts to beggar belief. On the level of Triple H/Undertaker at Wrestlemania 28, in that I still love it, but...hoo, it can be exhausting. Depends on how much Ring of Honor you like in your gumbo, I guess, but it feels like everyone on the roster is racing toward Tampa to explode, like a wrestling Crisis on Infinite Earths, and then MAYBE...things can calm down. Just a hair. Y'know, if Tampa even...still happens.

8. Takeover: Philadelphia If there's one man that's become synonymous with NXT, it's Johnny fucking Wrestling. You know, what would happen if a meerkat put on muscle mass and became the best set-piece wrestler this side of Daniel Bryan. We knew since he started his tag team with Tommaso Ciampa that he was an exceptional wrestler, but it wasn't until Philadelphia, and his INSANE match with Andrade "Cien" Almas, that we saw him as truly the industry's next star. It was the first Takeover match to go over 30 minutes (Sasha/Bayley at Respect went EXACTLY 30, don't @ me), it was the first NXT match to get 5 stars from Dave Meltzer (if that matters to you), and it set a new bar for Takeover main events. And while the undercard doesn't live up to it, it's still loaded with excellent matches. A.O.P. vs. the Undisputed Era is something special. Shayna Baszler makes her Takeover debut, and while she's nowhere near her prime, it cemented her immediately. Velveteen Dream and Kassius Ohno have a very fun match, and Aleister Black and Adam Cole have a ludcriously stupid no-holds-barred match, featuring two men doing with chairs what no one ought to do with chairs. But as good as all of that is, it's really a one match show, but what a match, and Ciampa ending it by being an utter bastard yet again.

7. Takeover: Brooklyn I Does the first Brooklyn Takeover feature Canadian Destroyers, 18 kick-outs and "fight forever" chants? It does not. Does it create moments of wrestling happiness that are rarely, if ever, replicated? It sure does. Firstly, Blue Pants appears and helps the Vaudevillains defeat Blake and Murphy. Seems quaint to look back on it, but it made everyone SO goddamn HAPPY that night. If you're forgetting, Leva Bates (that wrestling librarian in AEW right now) was once a comedy jobber in NXT, who wore Blue Pants. Adorable. Ignore what happened on the main roster (which is something you'll probably have to do with a lot of these shows, I imagine), but the Vaudevillains were once incredibly over (I promise!), and their win was one of several beam-inducing moments from this stellar night. Samoa Joe destroyed Baron Corbin at the height of his game, Apollo Crews debuted brilliantly (again, ignore what happens next!) and Balor and Owens' ladder match was also fantastic. Also, what's Jushin Thunder Liger doing here?? Wrestling like he's in his early 30s, that's goddamn what!! But of course, the reason we're all here is Sasha Banks vs. Bayley, and...there's still something in my eye. Anytime people want to rag on NXT for being "predictable," remind them that giving the people a moment they've genuinely prayed for...is a good thing. Bayley besting Sasha Banks at her prime just made us all...so happy. All of us. Everyone. When that curtain call took place, it was so earned. The narrative of women's wrestling dominated most of 2015, and this moment, this match, was the apex of that narrative.

6. Takeover: Chicago I And speaking of feelings...hello, Ciampa, you godless fuck. And so begins maybe the actual greatest rivalry in all of NXT. It is truly an odyessy, with twists, turns, injuries, betrayals, wounds torn open, and this is the nexus point. Well, the seeds had already sort of been planted, because Triple H knows what he's doing. Ciampa almost ALMOST turns on Gargano after their terrific match in the Cruiserweight Classic, only for the team to die another day...and what a death it was. After a great ladder match, the two stand atop the ramp, and you think "will it happen?" And the absolute bastards show you the copyright logo, just to make you think the show ends there, because it always does, seconds after that happens. You unclench, you breathe out, relax...Ciampa whispers "this is MY moment" and then...It is a perfectly engineered bait-and-switch, and exactly as vicious as it needs to be. Pats on the back, all 'round. This moment alone makes this a worthwhile Takeover, but there's also a hell of an undercard. The women's triple-threat (Ruby Riott vs. Asuka vs. Nikki Cross) is stellar, Bobby Roode and Hideo Itami have their respective best Takeover matches ever, and then there was Tyler Bate vs. Pete Dunne. An absolute show-stealer of a match, a star-making performance for both men (especially Dunne), it cemented the career of several men, and was a fully-formed GREAT show, as opposed to a good show in service to a storyline.

5. Takeover: Brooklyn IV Gargano and Ciampa's battle of brotherhood, betrayal and brainwashing was supposed to blow off at Takeover: New York, but because God hates necks, Tomato Champion was out of action, making this the final singles encounter to date, until Tampa (again, IF it even happens). This is the weakest of their 3 excellent encounters (which still makes it better than any match over SummerSlam weekend), but it also features Johnny Stupid running into a speaker, because his dumb ass can't seem to quit Ciampa. It's one of the greatest long-form feuds for a reason, mirroring Bret and Owen from 1993 into 1994, with all the repeated imagery, the callbacks, the nuances, the psychological cruelty. The street fight at Chicago II is MAYBE better, but this undercard, for me, is a lot stronger. It featured the Undisputed Era vs. Moustache Mountain, aka the Brothers Shithead vs. the Proud Circus Bear and His Beautiful Son. Velveteen Dream vs. EC3 was the closest NXT got to WWE-style storytelling and was still brilliant (remember when EC3 wrestled?), and HEY, wouldn't you know it, Kairi Sane was once a character with dimensions, as evidenced by an amazing match with Shayna Bazsler. But what makes this undercard truly stellar is Adam Cole vs. Ricochet. It is so nice to see Ricochet used well, etc., but I will still never stop pissing myself at Cole nailing him square in the jaw with a superkick WHILE HE'S MID-MOONSAULT UPSIDE-DOWN SWEET JESUS. Sometimes...sometimes...things fall exactly into place.

4. Takeover: WarGames (2018) The WarGames Takeovers are just so silly. It's a silly shoebox, filled with huge, silly men who only barely know why they're killing each other. It's as close as we ever get to WWE's now-terminal problem of "set aside whatever feuds you have right now, because it's Stipulation Month!" (see: Hell In a Cell, most Money In the Bank shows, though Elimination Chamber largely sidesteps this). The other Shoebox Takeovers are really good, no doubt, but this one stands head-and-shoulders above the rest. But there is not a bad match on this card. Kassius Ohno rides Matt Riddle's knee all the way to heaven; NXT shows why 2-out-of-3-falls is fast becoming its signature stipulation with the excellent blowoff between Sane/Baszler; Sexy Mindgames Prince had a star-making match against Tommaso Ciampa, showing why he may be the best overall character in NXT right now, and sweet lord, Aleister Black vs. Johnny Wrestling. It somehow showed that Gargano was JUST AS, if NOT MORE engaging as a dirtbag than as a good guy. And those Black Masses are presents just for me, a guy who tends to like more community theater in his wrestling than flips ("I ABSOLVE YOU...OF ALL YOUR SINS!"). And then we get to the Shoebox, and gosh it's silly! The Viking Experience, Ricochet and Pete Dunne take on the Undisputed Era, and...its a fucking LOT. 45 minutes of spots and smashing, with just a sprinkling of story, with Fish locking Dunne in his cage so he can't participate in the match. Since this seems to be what this match is designed for...let's rattle off some spots! Ricochet, jumping from one ring to the other! That amazing face-off that recreates the Captain America: Civil War poster! Perhaps the beefiest Tower of Doom in all of wrestling! And then Ricochet proving just how amazing he is...with the double moonsault off the top of the cage. What a stupid thing to do in an amazing, amazing show.

3. Takeover: Dallas I get it; a lot of people might not rank this Takeover quite so high. But it might be my actual personal favorite...? Overall...? More than any other Takeover, this show feels the most like it's filled with living, breathing superheroes. Many NXT stars are seen as just indie guys whose only gimmick is "I'm a very good wrestler," making them almost anti-WWE at the core. But NXT doesn't get enough credit for being, at its core, the best aspects of WWE. The showmanship, the things that elevate mere wrestlers to things like monsters, gods, and demons. I will always like my NXT WWE-style: the best wrestling cut with the most theater, the most camp. And Dallas is that concept, writ large. Baron Corbin coming out with lil' skulls on his shoulders. American Alpha finally becoming Super Saiyan Nerds. Asuka killing our hero, because Bayley is a person, and Asuka is a goddess who can perform brain surgery with her feet. Finn Balor coming out and going actual Texas Chainsaw Massacre on Samoa Joe. It's excellent wrestling, near-mythic visuals...and then we get to Nakamura/Zayn. The most special moment of a very special night. It is, from nearly every perspective, perfect. The hype of the crowd, salivating with anticipation. That moment when Nakamura appears in silhouette, and that violin note slides like a knife across steel, to reveal the man who set New Japan aflame. Sami Zayn getting the best possible swan song in a promotion built almost entirely on HIS back. The end of his era. That bit where they just KEEP PUNCHING ONE ANOTHER. I know it's not a perfect show (Balor/Joe stops for 3 minutes to address a cut on Joe's forehead, stalling its momentum; that Corbin/Ares match isn't as good as it could be) but that all means nothing. It's a sentimental choice, and I'd make it #1 if I could.

2. Takeover: New Orleans I went around and around in my head, and this one and #1 kept jockeying for position in my brain. But these top two Takeovers are literally note-perfect, from ship to shore, soup to nuts, top to tails. So if this is YOUR favorite? (Honestly, maybe 1 person I know who loves wrestling as much as I do will even see this mess). I'm here for you, and I understand. But this show has TWO 5-star matches from the Wrestling Observer, and I don't ever agree with that. In this case, I agree with BOTH, in the North American Championship ladder match, and the first (and so far, BEST) match in the Gargano/Ciampa feud. Everything. Is. Amazing. Shayna Bazsler became Women's Champion after BEAST-MODING her SHOULDER back INTO IT'S SOCKET to show that, YES, she gets pro-wrestling. Roderick Strong shocked the world (and the System) by joining the Undisputed Era and becoming the final Chaos Emerald needed to make that stable Super Sonic. Aleister Black took the championship from Andrade "Cien" Almas and SMILED, I fucking SAW IT! And it all depends on what you want from your wrestling, but Gargs/Tamps might actually be the best main event in Takeover history, at least from a storytelling standpoint. The crutch, the neckbrace. Each man going back to their DIY roots (the tag team - they didn't build another ring when that one broke), and then sitting side-by-side, like they did at the Cruiserweight Classic. Brothers. Completely spent. Destroyed. No one but each other. And then Ciampa shits any chance at redemption up the goddamn wall, cementing his own destruction. Every. Bit. Counts.

and #1...

Takeover: New York For a whole bunch of other wrestling fans, this has the greatest main event in Takeover history. But first, let's take a minute to appreciate how lucky we are, or were, that NXT exists. It justfies the existence of WWE, artistically, almost by itself. If this one's only slightly worse than New Orleans, it is argued, it's that the North American title ladder match was TOO good, and hurt every other match on the card. It has been argued. Not by me, but this one is somehow the most perfectly paced, perfectly sized wrestling card, on its own, ever. Every match, through alchemy or magic, manages to enthrall the crowd equally, and completely. The Viking Raiders vs. Grumpy Smaller Undertaker and the Human Pinball was off the hook incredible, and that warm "thank you" feeling has translated, currently to a man trapped in a room and a man trapped in Vince McMahon's scorn for smaller wrestlers, respectively. Matt Riddle and Velveteen Dream put on an absolute fantasy match, pitting the best of MMA vs. the best of WWE-style theatricality, and adds to the complete, demented character-world of this brand, and the fact that Dream WINS against one of the hottest new prospects is so deserved, and shows that he can, and will, shine forever brighter. Then AAAAGH WALTER vs. Pete Dunne! WALTER LAYS into poor Dunne, his chops alone having you believe that after the match, he's going to run into the arena's parking lot to FIGHT THE CARS. Then Shirai vs. Baszler vs. Sane vs. Belair and goddammit how do I even expound on that without crashing thesarus.com? And then Johnny Gargano and Adam Cole wrestled for. 40. MINUTES. With Gargano as the defacto heel because it was allegedly Cole's time. And by the match's end, he had the crowd more behind him than maybe they ever had been before. Is it a bit much? Yes. Too many kickouts? Probably. But it stands as the apex of Johnny Wrestling's journey. After everything had been taken from him: DIY, his health, his sanity, even his chance at revenge...the only thing he has left is the NXT Championship. And in that moment, he is invincible, he is more than enough.

What a show. What a host of shows.

Thanks for reading, everyone.

[lunawings]

King of Prism SSS episode 7 commentary (Leo)

So this episode is the opener for what I know as the theatrical “Part 3″ ... and boy what an opener.... By the time it was over I was like “T-That was only the first one... BUT IVE ALREADY FELT SO MANY THINGS..” 

Having this as the first episode of the three has been pretty difficult because it’s just such a rollercoaster. I’ve actually been hesitant to see go Part 3 more just because I know I have to get through this episode right off the bat. And not because I think it’s a bad episode OH NO ITS JUST... SO MANY... FEELINGS.......... 

I got to go to the midnight showing for Part 3, and I honestly think that has an unfairly high influence on how I feel about the episodes. Part 1 and Part 3 I saw at the midnight showing and I loved them. Part 2 and Part 4 I saw at 8 am when I was exhausted and miserable and I ended up thinking Part 2 was weaker than the others, and Part 4....................... uhhuhh we’ll get to that later, anyway--

So when I translated the original story about Over the Rainbow crossdressing for Miss Kakyoin, I honestly did it just for that two second reference in episode 3. I had no idea this was also going to happen. So when the first second of Part 3 opened on the theater screen with this I was like OH. MY. GAWD. YES. YESSSSSSSSSSSS. I’m gonna cry already. (Little did I know what was coming up later in this episode....)

Also this was the point where I began to realize some of these episode are taking place in the past/out of order. Because SSS starts off in the summer, but the Kakyoin Fest usually takes place in May. So either this is a Rainbow Live retcon, or this episode is taking place in May. (But I suppose there’s no particular big reason that can’t be possible. Well one small one maybe...) 

So this is Rinne’s first appearance in SSS, right? (Outside of her silhouette in the OP.)

So... I don’t really think it’s a spoiler to tell you she will appear again, under.... vErY DiFfeRent CircumStanCes........ 

And I just wonder if like, when we get to that moment, someone who is watching only SSS who has never seen Rainbow Live or Pride the Hero is gonna be like “Oh that’s the girl from the beauty contest.... wait..... WAIT WHAT IS HAPPENING.... “ 

Oh lord. 

Anyway. 

This scene is a whole lot of fun in cheering because we all have our green out and are cheering to Freedom, then it... stops.... then it starts again ahahah.... 

I love Taiga in the background here. It’s clearly intentional. 

I wonder if he actually believes what Kazuki says here or not. But you know what. I don’t think it matters because I think this scene has about zero influence on how he reacts next. I mean, if Taiga actually realizes Kazuki’s just doing this to save face, well then.... hell yeah he’d want to help defend Kazuki-senpai’s honor! And if he believes him and thinks crossdressing and winning a beauty contest is an honor for Edel Rose.... hell yeah he’d want to follow in Kazuki-senpai’s footsteps ahah ha.......... yeah see it literally doesn’t matter........... For Kazuki-senpai!!!

Yeah see this is definitely post-episode 3 Taiga. He definitely changed in that episode after becoming honest about his feelings for Kazuki. So this is the only stupid little thing that makes me question when this episode is taking place since the Nebuta Festival is in August ahahah ha.... (Well maybe he realized long ago.)

Wait woah woah what’s going on here with the subtitle. I thought I saw someone else’s screenshot of this and it was an upside down “A”? Is it just my computer? Is it really like this?

BTW I actually never had any idea what they were saying here before, neither did I pick up that it was probably a reference to μ's because in the theater you just cannot see anything on that newspaper because it’s on screen for like half a second.

If I had, maybe I would have realized that..... 

......Both Kakeru and Shin’s outfits seem to be a reference to the original Love Live! I had a little subconscious inkling in the back of my mind that I knew where Kakeru’s outfit was from and it probably wasn’t Pretty Series. But Shin..... Shin..... for the longest time I kept trying to think what coord this was. Because it does look like it could easily be a PriPara coord, doesn’t it? But after other folks started pointing it out, yeah it does look like they were trying to rip on the “Bokura wa Ima no Naka de” outfits goddamn it hahaha.... Well, it makes sense because there are people who worked on both Love Live! and Rainbow Live. 

But yeah I swear if they had only made the skirt plaid I would have gotten it. The plaid skirts are such a big point of that outfit for me. 

But still anyway, if anybody can think of a Pretty Series coord which is similar to this (or can make one on the 3DS).... um.... hit me up................ now..........

OH COME ON MINATO you can do so much better than this.... For Miss Schwartz you actually found a look that worked for you.... 

I mean sure he looks like someone’s mom but isn’t he. 

The moment when I was like “Welp, maybe Taiga’s straight after all.” Such a mystery, this kid. 

MINATO AND YU OMG

This moment goes by so fast I literally missed it my first two showings but OMG it’s my favorite joke in this episode and one of my favorite visual jokes overall I crack up uncontrollably every single time. Ahhhhhh you poor boys....  

Welp someone hasn’t watched PriPara but I think we already knew that from Kakeru’s “Glowstick Cage”. Still, I really think you’d be able to figure out this is clearly a catch phrase but WHATEVS

I think my reaction echoes most of the community’s reaction as being “are they gonna say the thing--THEY SAID THE THING” 

As much as I want to feel bad that Leo feels like he has to do this, it’s just too funny. And not to mention adorable. 

How “masculine” Leo somehow ends up being EVEN CUTER than natural Leo, I will never be able to explain but OH LORD HE IS. (I guess just, the more he tries to fight it the stronger it is....)

He’s not lying. 

................ no..... noooooo.......... *buries face in hands*

So. Okay. Okayokay. Sorry we gotta pause here oh boy. 

Ever since the Pride the Hero era, Tsurugi was always my favorite member of The Shuffle. Especially since I realized that even though we could see him failing the training machine in the first movie, he still made the group. It was my headcanon that it was because Kokoro, Mondo, and Mitsuba helped him rise up and overcome his challenges until he finally made it. I saw him as the Otoha of the group. A sweet lovely boy who somehow got mixed up in all the corruption of Schwartz Rose AND SOMEHOW he survived. 

And then this happened. 

His feminine personality. It was all an act. IT WAS A LIE. Just created to add the right appeal to The Shuffle. AND I FELL FOR IT. 

...............

I guess Joji isn’t the only liar in Schwartz Rose. I guess, Schwartz Rose just naturally attracts that kind of people huh. 

Well, from this moment on Tsurugi was not my favorite anymore. 

For the record, my favorite member of The Shuffle nowadays is Ace. And probably subconsciously has been since episode 5? But I actually didn’t come to realize that for.... a few more episodes...... So we’ll talk about it then.

Right now we have to talk about.... wait... wait no no no no no no no

You ever have one of those moments when time just kinda stops and everything just kinda... spins around you........... that was this moment for me at the midnight showing....................

Sorry I have to interrupt again to mention this. They revealed here Leo’s dad supposedly designed all these characters.

Well OK, but the thing is in this universe supposedly PairChams and stuff are actually real. 

So how can they be designed by Leo’s dad?

Welp, my theory on this is Leo’s dad either was a prism star, or just has a lot of prism sparkle in him, and he secretly just draws exactly what he sees. 

I think the phrasing is a little weird here. It’s more like Leo didn’t even particularly realize he was a boy. (Or what his gender was at all.)

(Yes they are wearing mini-Fortune Party CRs.)

(Yes this is also our Young of Prism reference.)

.......I really like this episode but...... this part is just so hard for me..... it’s just...... a bit too real............. but I applaud them for it the same time but.... it’s just.... it’s hard.............

People take out yellow and cheer for Otoha here, but at first I was just so distraught after the proceeding scenes it took me until maybe my 4th or 5th cheering show to actually join them.... just trying to get the energy and to come out of it and like oh it’s Otoha.... oh where are my concert lights.... oh where is yellow..... oh it’s over...... ................. (ahh it’s just.... so sad........)

Okay so now that we’ve gotten this far, I can finish my train of thought about the order that the boys joined Edel Rose.

I think it’s safe to assume Yukinojo was probably first. His episode revealed that he liked prism shows since he was really little, so he probably entered his first year of junior high? I think Kakeru was already in junior high when he found out about prism shows so he probably transferred in anywhere from 2012 - 2014.

Yu and Minato I think probably joined at the same time in April 2015. Because when we meet them in the first movie they are both 1st years (in junior high and senior high respectively) and we know from Minato’s episode he was never in the junior high division. 

Then Leo joined sometime not too long after that, and finally Shin.

Taiga is the only mystery, because his flashback only features Kazuki and there is nothing to particularly date it. In my head I’m gonna throw him in there after Kakeru but before Minato/Yu though. 

......Anyway.

Leo’s reactions as he meets each of the boys, and vice versa, are just... SO INTERESTING to me and reveal so much about him and the other characters. So I’m sorry but. We’re basically gonna take this frame-by-frame....

Oh gosh oh no oh to think that because of his experiences in life, Leo is just so conditioned to the point where this is the first thing he says directly to any of his new friends I just I.... *chair squeak* excuse me I need a moment.

*walks out of the room*

*comes back after several minutes*

Oho gosh okay okay sorry where were we

AND HIS FACE when he realizes Kakeru called him cute and clearly meant it as a compliment I just I *chair squeak* I may need another minute we’re like ten seconds into this scene and it’s already just--

OHHHH MANNNNNN

I’m pretty sure Leo’s extreme reaction here isn’t because he’s upset at not being called cute. It’s because, once again, Leo is just so conditioned because of everything he’s been through. He took one look at Taiga and probably saw him as the exact archetype of a person who usually bullies him. 

But he was wrong. 

Taiga, the actual purehearted softie that he is, had absolutely no idea his words would have such an effect on Leo. And once he realizes, he PANICS, and says absolutely anything he has to in order to fix it as fast as possible.

TAIGA

I LOVE YOU SO MUCH 

I’d also like to note what makes this scene even funnier is that Taiga is using a Tohoku slang word for “cute”. (This is a younger Taiga who hasn’t quite lost his northern dialect yet. Also sort of a northerners bonding moment for the two of them maybe?) 

So Taiga being attracted to Leo is a thing I guess. But.... but does it really count as being gay with Leo, like I mean.....?

Well.... Taiga being asexual is probably ruled out at least.

Anyway.

Out of all of them, Leo’s encounter Minato might just be my favorite.

First, Minato reaches out his hand intending to shake Leo’s. 

But Leo, probably being just.... so desperate for human contact at his point, sees this and actually reaches up and grabs Minato’s hand with both his hands instead. 

If you remember, Leo being too touchy-feely with other boys was one of the reasons he was bullied. Probably moments exactly like this.

But Minato....

He doesn’t flinch. His expression never changes. Instead he’s just like, oh you remind me of my sister. Like it’s the most normal thing in the world. 

And he probably thinks that’s kinda nice that it will be like having his beloved sister around. 

shfsfshl;dsaSDJGSOGSAG+J

Yu doesn’t care who Leo is as long as he thinks he’s cool. 

Sounds about right. 

Gonna say the obvious here but YUKINOJO WHAT ARE YOU DOING 

How he just immediately powers down and goes into kabuki practice mode when nothing has been happening for 30 seconds..... 

I have things to say about this encounter too but we’ll get to it later. 

My favorite comedic line in the episode. 

Yukinojo is somewhat oblivious about gender norms himself eheh. 

I love the juxtaposition of this line with this scene. It’s not a coincidence surely. 

Leo kind of just made a fool of himself here, but the other boys had almost no reaction. They were all just kinda like “huh”, and instead of “this Leo kid is a weirdo” it’s “Yukinojo what did you do” hahahah. That, is acceptance. That is Leo finally finding a place where he can belong.......... Until.....

Oh boy I’m sorry we gotta go on another tangent here. A dark one. 

Throughout SSS it’s pretty clear that Shin’s arrival had a big impact on everyone, but it probably had the biggest impact on Leo.

Edel Rose was the first place in his adolescence where he was able to find acceptance. 

And I think it’s safe to say, that without Shin to bring everyone together, Edel Rose probably would not have survived.

And if that happened.....

Leo would have nowhere to go. 

I really shudder to think about what might have happened.

And I don’t think it’s a huge exaggeration to think that Shin joining Edel Rose... may have actually saved Leo’s life. 

So when you really stand by and take all of this into perspective. 

All of a sudden how attached Leo is to Shin. His over-protectiveness, his jealousy. It.... it starts to make a lot more sense. 

So from this moment on I decided I won’t fault him for it anymore. I can understand.

Oh gosh okay I know it’s hard to come out of that with this, but....

Y.. yay Christmas Party! This is going to come up again in SSS, but since people are going to be talking about it now I’ll talk about it now. 

The Christmas Party is an event which happened in detail on the Prism Rush Main Story and was the first time the boys all performed together as a group and debuted Dramatic Love. 

And yes, at the same time it is also an analog to the real live Music Ready Sparking concert, which was the first time the voice actors all performed  together in real life. Those are the outfits they wore in the real concert, and the same pose they used for promotional materials.

They actually re-drew it for the anime in the performance outfits instead of the concert T-shirts. 

(The outfits aren’t a secret anymore, and no need to sell T-shirts ahah....) 

WHAT. THEY FIXED IT. Okay I SWEAR in the theatrical version of this there is a continuity error here where Leo has his pigtails in this back shot, but his hair is down from the front. I paused here to take a screenshot so I could mention it then I was like wait whaaaaaaaaa. This is the only time I have noticed a blatant change between the theatrical version and the TV version. (Other than the new endings.) It makes me wonder if there’s anything else I missed. 

PFFT. 

I guess “yes” isn’t the worst translation, and who am I to talk since I don’t translate “IIZE” at all. But it drains the flavor out of it whenever I try. 

If you’re not aware, “IIZE” was the scoring system in the boys’ PriPara from Idol Time, DanPri. The joke is that it’s like a masculine version of “iine” which was the scoring system in the regular girls PriPara, and still is in PriChan. Probably the most literal translation of “iine” is “likes” since that’s what they call the like button on Facebook/Twitter. But yeah it’s a bit of a journey to understand this I suppose.

Iize = burly likes 

? ? ?

He’s just.... he’s just so weird........... Tsurugi why...............

(Yes, Mirei hair and Bunny Magician coord from Prism Tours. Sorry I’m skipping over pointing out some of the PriPara references on purpose since this post is just so long as is.)

PFFFFFFT okay okay. Okay. OKAY. Okay. 

I know this is probably just in here for a throwaway joke but OHHHH lord.

We saw Alec compete in a beauty contest on Prism Rush before in the Street Beauty No. 1 event, but not on purpose as Louis basically tricked him that time. To think he’d come this close to doing it on purpose, and in his Mom’s clothes?...... ohhhhhhhh wow

If this really almost happened, then I guess Alexander’s riding the same train as post-episode 3 Taiga nowadays isn’t he ahah. 

And finally we get to the prism show. But oh gosh, I have to say I do not like his initial outfit. First of all it’s supposed to be a boys’ outfit but it’s.... not.... I guess they were trying to go for a Peter Pan thing or something, but it just registers strongly in my head that Peter Pan is usually played by a woman and like. I just wish they would have made this outfit a bit more masculine to highlight the change that’s gonna happen. The least they could do is take off the earrings. 

Not to mention form-fitting stuff does not work for Leo. It highlights how small and child-like his body is, and they even do a butt shot and just NO no please no why. STOP. Okay, my only criticism against this episode is that. Had to say it. 

When you need a character to clarify this you’re doing it wrong. 

But anyway, moving on. 

This. 

When we got to this moment, I just.... I felt.... such a great vicarious weight lifted off my shoulders. It just felt so good to finally, finally see this. It’s been a long time coming. 

Okay, let’s go back. Way back. 

During the first movie, when we first met Leo. In the bath scene he introduced himself using “boku” (a male pronoun). He was presented as wanting to be more boyish, and Yukinojo’s little protege. And I said OK, and I accepted this for face value. For a while. 

But then about a year passed, and this CD came out. 

And I went woah. This was the first point when I began to realize things might not be quite as they seemed. Leo is just straight out wearing girls’ clothing here. As oblivious as he is, nobody can be quite that oblivious. 

So the whole theme of their duo song is mutual respect, and it clearly introduced for the first time the irony of Yukinojo and Leo’s relationship in that although Leo looks up to Yukinojo, in truth Yukinojo wishes he could be more like Leo because Leo is the feminine ideal he’s striving for as a kabuki actor who does female rolls. 

Well okay, but the thing is. 

Leo supposedly wants to be more masculine, but... but....

When he first meets Yukinojo, that’s not the reason he attaches himself to him. 

Leo picks the most feminine member of the group to model his ideal after. Not someone rough like Taiga, or built like Minato. He picks Yukinojo. Yukinojo. 

And that’s when you start to realize.... Nothing Leo has said has ever matched up with what his actual actions are. 

Sure, he talks a lot.... but....

What has he actually done to try and become more masculine since King of Prism started? 

Even when he purposely sets out to dress masculine in stories on Prism Rush (like in his initial PR story for one), he always ends up picking out feminine clothes somehow. 

Although he once introduced himself using “boku” to Shin, it’s pretty much exclusively become “watashi” over time hasn’t it?

His Pride the Hero subplot was enjoying his (arguably) feminine hobby of clothing design. No masculine quest subplot there. 

And we even got to the point where SSS opened with him wearing a frilly pink shirt in one episode and pigtails in the next. 

The more time Leo spends at Edel Rose, a place where he is accepted, the more he slowly opens up and starts acting like himself again. 

So if you’re thinking this came from nowhere, you haven’t been paying attention. 

Still, I was really worrying about what was really going on inside him a lot before this episode came up. And then. Finally. FINALLY. 

This episode should be seen by not just King of Prism fans. Not just Pretty Series fans. This episode should be seen by everyone. 

GAHHHH I’M JUST.... SO HAPPY.............. 

I LOVE YOU TOO

I think just looking at these screenshots and taking it all in is making me tear up more than in the theater. 

Okay so. When I saw Leo’s coord for the first time, my immediate thought was Laala’s first PR....

If you think maybe something else is a better fit though let me know. 

So I actually think this score for Leo is fair. He only did two non-connecting jumps, and as this episode revealed he is the least experienced member of Edel Rose. (...Like I said before Shin... Shin is a special case........) I really like how their shows are actually accurate to what their skill level would reasonably be. 

But it also just makes Minato’s higher score more of a mystery. 

I love, love how this contest has progressed from year to year. Rinne -> Kazuki -> Leo -> ??? 

It may take us until we get to the next generation to get another winner, but someday I hope we see one.... 

YES this is obviously PriPara ahah but in canon it might be “Prism Land”? Ahah.

Okay, the end! 

The post is over!

The end!

Why are you looking at me like that?

It’s over!

Thanks for reading!

.............

.....................

Okay. Since you’ve somehow stuck with me THIS FAR, I’m going to talk a little more about how this episode effected me personally and why it’s important to me. 

The depiction of bullying was just so frighteningly accurate, and I feel like other people who have been through something similar would probably agree.

5th grade really is the year. 

It’s right around that time when gender rolls really seem to solidify. All of a sudden lines are drawn. The girls become more girlish and the boys become more boyish. 

It was around that time that I also noticed, that I didn’t like the same things that other girls my age liked. Other people noticed too. 

My gender issues weren’t as profound as Leo’s, but I just wasn’t interested in things like clothes or boys yet. I still wanted to watch cartoons and play in the dirt and stuff.

Going into middle school, I also tried to pretend. But it didn’t work. 

And I didn’t have any friends for a long time. 

But then something happened to change that. I got more involved in music. Specifically marching band. Music and performing brought me together with a rag-tag group of people from different grades who didn’t know my past, all working together to put together a performance. That sort of activity (music, sports, etc.) builds bonds between people that surpass normal friendship. And eventually, through those sort of bonds, I found myself around people who accepted me even though I was a bit different. Gradually, I learned it was okay to be myself. 

So just watching Leo make friends though prism shows.... just oh my god.... that’s me. 

I kinda joked about Leo being my self insert character in King of Prism before, but man. Watching this episode. It just got so... SO much more real.

*deep breath* 

*exhale*

Wow. Okay.  

[eleanor-writes-stuff]

chemistry (my heart’s a city you’re out to destroy) - [iii/iv]

Kylo Ren - superhuman, mercenary, and the world’s most dangerous man – has recently resurfaced after a mysterious three-month disappearance.

Rey Niima, listicle writer by day and investigative reporter by night, is way too busy to worry about that. Seriously, she’s got a million things on her plate - she doesn’t have the time to think about anything else.

Especially now that news editor Benjamin Snoke has returned to the office and seems hell-bent on making her life… interesting.

This ended up taking me an embarrassingly long time to write, but here it is: the final(ish) chapter of my superhuman!Kylo and reporter!Rey AU. 

Will Rey ever come clean to Ben about her many, many secrets? Will she recover from the setbacks to her investigation into the Guavian Death Gang? And most importantly, will she figure out that thing we’ve all been waiting for her to figure out since the beginning?? All this and more in the seven thousand words that await under the cut!

Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 Also available on AO3. And hey, maybe check out my Twitter and Ko-fi? 

. . .

The first time Ben calls her sweetheart, she nearly cries.

Everything about the moment – strong arms holding her close, warm lips brushing against her temple, sheer contentment running through her veins – feels like something out of a dream.

But then his words hit her, and so does a painful reminder.

“Good night, sweetheart,” Ben whispers into the night, and the words are right but the voice isn’t – except it is, he is, they’ve been dating for a month now and she’s never felt so sure about anything in her life–

Only sometimes she isn’t, and the guilt turns her blood to ice and taints everything with paranoia. For one terrible moment Rey is convinced Ben will somehow catch sight of her stricken look despite the absolute darkness in his room, will suspect that she’s still mourning a relationship that never happened with a man she never knew.

She hides her face in his neck before that can happen, presses a kiss to the hollow of his throat and focuses on nothing but the comforting familiarity of his scent, his arms wrapped around her, his chest moving up and down in time with hers. This, this is better than a hundred dreams of a faceless man, better than any hallucination she could’ve come up with or future she could’ve imagined. Ben is real, and here, and hers, and–

That night she dreams of Kylo anyway, the way she has nearly every single night since the last time she saw him, since the last time anyone had seen him.

He’s alive, that much she knows. After all, her gut feeling had been right about that the last time.

But anything beyond that gets added to the growing mountain of mysteries standing in her way. He’s proving to be just as elusive as the Guavian Death Gang, scattered to the winds after the attack on the Outpost. Gang rivalry, the police tell her with a shrug and advise her to let go of it; dead end, Amilyn declares a week after the explosion and gently suggests she move on to something new.

The problem is, Rey’s never been any good at letting go of anything – not her parents, not her target, not her… her friend.

All of it weighs so heavily on her that two days after the sweetheart thing, as she’s taken to calling it in her mind, Rey finds herself coming clean to Ben - about half of the situation, at least.

“So… I’ve got a meeting with Amilyn next Tuesday,” Ben announces halfway through dinner, the both of them seated at his breakfast nook. “We might be doing some spring cleaning.”

“Budget cuts?” Rey hazards a guess through a forkful of beef and broccoli, long past the point of self-consciousness. It’s hard to bring herself to care about her table manners around a man who’d already seen her at her worst on their very first date, eyes swollen and cheeks splotchy after an unexpected walk down memory lane.

Granted, his eyes had been a little red-rimmed as well as they spent the rest of the evening bonding over being adopted, but still.

Ben had decided to accept her that night, runny nose and all, and she’s already warned him there’s no taking it back.

“No, no, we’re good,” Ben assures her instead of chastising her for speaking with her mouth full, and a silly, lovesick part of Rey sighs internally and thinks yeah, we are. “It’s just… I don’t see the point in keeping people who just sit at their desks all day and repackage AP updates. I mean, I know that’s the bulk of what we do,” he concedes wryly, “but… show some initiative, you know? These people are luckier than what, 80% of their fellow journalism majors? You’re working for a news department with a global readership. Some show drive, for fuck’s sake. Some talent.”

She’s happily nodding along, primarily focused on her food, until–

“Like yours.”

It’s the first time he’s actually brought the matter up since that unexpected confrontation in the office all those weeks ago. Sure, there have been teasing comments here and there about her listicles, and he laughs along with the rest of his team when Phasma breezes out of the downstairs breakroom with stolen snacks in hand and coolly announces to the office that she’s going back up because some of them have real work to do around here, but Ben hasn’t actually brought up her qualifications since that first time.

“Babe…” she sighs, hoping to dissuade him from the topic. Lately it feels like all Rey does is lie – lie to the cops about why she was looking into the Outpost, lie to Amilyn about working on a new story, lie to Ben and her friends and everyone about Kylo Ren – and she’s so, so tired of it, especially where Ben is involved.

But he presses on. “Rey, I don’t get it. I’ve read your work, sweetheart. I know how brilliant you were even when you were just an undergrad writing for the student paper, and every single investigative piece you’ve written since then has only gotten better.”

She pushes one last piece of broccoli around her plate while Ben reaches across the table for her free hand.

“Look, your life is yours to live and I respect your choices, but I just don’t understand…”

And that’s just… that feels wrong, somehow. Ben always understands, has understood since the very first moment she opened up to him more than she’s ever done with anyone else, and for this of all things to stand between them is more than Rey can take.

“I’m investigating the Guavian Death Gang,” she blurts out before she’s even aware of her decision to come clean.

At Ben’s wide eyed look and complete silence, she feels compelled to add, “Well, at least I was. But then the Outpost blew up and I haven’t gotten any good leads since so I’m not really sure–”

He snatches his hand back.

“Do you have a death wish?” Ben demands, hissing the last two words at her as he lunges forward in his seat and curves over half the table. “Jesus Christ, Rey, I figured you were going after that lowlife Plutt and his henchmen or something, but the fucking Gang itself? Do you know what they do to people who ask questions? Do you know what they do to people who so much as look at them the wrong–?”

“Hey, hey!” She leans in to meet Ben halfway and take his face in her hands. “Hey. Calm down. Breathe, Ben. Okay? Just breathe, and I’ll tell you everything.”

“Everything won’t change the fact that you’re going to get yourself killed,” he huffs at her, but sits back in his chair and quiets down anyway.

Rey crosses her arms. “Stop that, okay? I know it’s risky, I know what I’m getting myself into, but this is my job, Ben. And it’s not like I’m recklessly rushing in, guns blazing–”

“No, you’re just casually hanging around their secret headquarters,” Ben mutters.

He’d only ever seen her there once, Rey wants to remind him, and who’s to say that wasn’t the only time? Besides, she still doesn’t know why he was in the area too that night. But given the ridiculous lie Ben had come up with the first time she’d asked, Rey doubts she’ll be getting an answer out of him anytime soon.

“Eight months ago, a girl I knew from one of my old foster homes contacted me,” Rey begins carefully, gathering her thoughts as she goes. “You know the stats – older kids don’t tend to get adopted. I got incredibly lucky when Maz picked me; Namenthe wasn’t as fortunate.”

It still sends chills down her spine sometimes, when she thinks of how unbelievably lucky she got, how easily her life could have been something else entirely.

Ben has softened now, one hand on the table twitching as if instinctively reaching for her. Rey reaches for it and gives him a small smile before she continues.

“When she aged out of the system, she started dancing at the Outpost. It’s not great, but apparently Plutt’s more of a greedy asshole than a sleaze, so she stayed put – until some of the other girls started disappearing. They were the ones dating the gang members, the ones who knew too much from one too many drunken rambles. Namenthe packed up and ran away as soon as she could, but before she disappeared for good she left me all this information. And I… Ben, I couldn’t just do nothing,” Rey tells him beseechingly, willing him to understand.

He sighs and squeezes her hand. “Of course you couldn’t.”

Rey nods. “I was freelancing at first, but then Amilyn called me in for an interview and convinced me to tell her what I was working on. She offered me a spot on your team immediately, but I told her I wanted to get to the bottom of this first – and that would be difficult if I were to join Raddus’ very recognizable news team.”

“Undercover,” Ben murmurs to himself, voice stunned into a whisper. “All this time, the listicles and sponsored posts and all that bullshit… You were undercover.” He looks at her with something akin to awe.

“Sure,” Rey agrees easily, slightly amused by the idea. “Let’s call it that. So now do you understand?”

Ben stares at her for the longest time before his free hand comes up to pinch the bridge of his nose as he shakes his head. “This is so ridiculously reckless and dangerous but… yeah,” he says heavily, dragging a hand down his face before he looks back at her. “Yeah, I get it.”

Rey gives his hand one last squeeze before she gets up and starts gathering plates and boxes. “In any case, it hardly matters anymore. They went underground after the blast, and Amilyn’s been telling me it’s high time to drop it and move on, so–” She shrugs as she crosses the kitchen to stash their leftovers in the fridge.

When she turns around, Ben is right there, close enough for her to stumble into. He grabs her by her waist and steadies her with two warm hands curled around her hip, eyes dim even as his lips quirk into a small smile.

“As if you would ever give up on something that easily,” Ben says with a quiet little laugh. He really does know her better than he has any right to, and she smiles at the reminder. “Just… please,” he murmurs as the smile slips off his face, replaced by a look so earnest and soul-searching it hurts, to be looked at like something important, something loved.

“Just promise me you’ll be careful. I don’t know what I’d do if something were to happen to you, Rey.”

The warmth in her chest turns to ice. This is… this is a hundred times worse than the sweetheart thing, words so close to the ones that still haunt her dreams in a mechanical rasp–

Rey opts for her go-to strategy of hiding her face in Ben’s neck before her shiny eyes or trembling lips can give her away, wraps her arms around his waist and melts into him as she wills herself to focus on this moment and this moment only.

Ben mistakes her cowardice for reluctance, holds her tighter as his pleas grow desperate. “Please, Rey. Promise me, just promise me you’ll be careful–”

She doesn’t deserve this, doesn’t deserve him – not when her own traitorous heart is still being torn in two directions.

“I promise,” she whispers into his neck, lips brushing against the frantic beat of his pulse, proof of his care and concern tangible in a way it never was with…

Rey closes her eyes and banishes the thought, holds Ben so close there’s no space for ghosts between them.

“I promise, baby.”

. . .

Two weeks later, Maz comes through as she always does.

“I don’t like this, child,” she warns even as she slips a scrap of paper across the sticky bar top. “I don’t like this one bit.”

“I know, Maz,” Rey says quietly as she pockets the lead.

Her former foster mother pins her with a warning glare for all of two seconds before she sighs and allows the tension to drain away. “But I know that won’t stop you. Nothing ever could.”

Rey smiles and leans across the bar to pull the older woman into a hug. “I’ll be careful, I promise.”

“That’s all I ask for,” Maz whispers as she pulls back. She gives Rey a small smile and gently pats her cheek. “Off you go now, my curious cat.”

The old nickname threatens to choke her up, but Maz stops her tears before they even make it to the surface.

“And make sure you’ve got that tree of a boyfriend with you the next time I see you! Reminds me a little bit of a tree I used to climb when I was your age,” Maz tells her with a wink, and sends her on her way with a good laugh.

Ben probably wouldn’t have let her go as easily, but he just so happens to have another after-hours meeting with Amilyn today as they continue to restructure the news team. There’s not much he can do through text other than remind her of her promise, and Rey assures him that she hasn’t forgotten and that tonight will be completely safe, just some quick and harmless reconnaissance. With any luck, she might even beat him back to his place.

After all, this shouldn’t take too long. Maz had used the underground connections she pretends not to have in order to figure out a date and location for the gang’s first meeting since the attack, and it’s widely expected that some key players will be in attendance tonight.

As impatient as the six-week pause in her investigation has left her, Rey knows better than to run headfirst into a dangerous situation in an unfamiliar setting. So for tonight she’s back to her stakeout ways, hiding across the street as she keeps an eye on the Cantina and takes note of familiar faces illuminated by the neon signboard for all of five seconds before they disappear down the stairs leading to an underground jazz club.

Something feels off for the first thirty minutes, and Rey tells herself it’s just her sense of self-preservation belatedly kicking in, links her unease to putting herself back into a dangerous situation. It isn’t until the third time she throws a look over her shoulder that she realizes she’s waiting on a ghost, so used to another body crouched next to hers in the dark, another voice whispering exasperated warnings–

Don’t know how I’d live with myself if–

Now is not the time.

Who knows what kind of security the gang has in this new haunt of theirs, especially in the wake of the attack on the Outpost? Rey casts pointless memories out of her mind with a violent shake of her head, replaces them instead with images of Ben pacing his living room, Ben pinching the bridge of his nose, Ben clutching his phone close and waiting for her, worrying for her.

Don’t know what I’d do if–

Something stirs in the back of her mind – a half-formed thought weaving between reality and dreams, a tenuous connection waiting to be made with two pins and red string. But it’s ripped away from her, a forgotten thought that won’t come back to her no matter how hard she tries, when yet another sleek black car pulls up to the club. Rey picks up her binoculars just in time to catch the faintest glimpse of yet another man disappearing into the ground, and tries her best to match what little she’d seen to one of the many faces on the print-out crumpled in her fist.

It takes her a while to connect a jagged sliver of skin to a much angrier-looking scar from last year, but with that she’s crossed off the last name on her list. All twelve known members of the gang’s inner circle are present tonight, probably gathered right under her feet.

The night is still young, and there’s a restless, impatient part of Rey that itches to sneak down the stairs, find a dark corner to nurse a drink in and cast inconspicuous glances– but her promise to Ben weighs heavy on her heart, and again the image of him worrying about her flits through her mind. Besides, she’s achieved what she came here to do, and now that she knows for sure the gang meets here, there’ll be other opportunities, other days, maybe even with Ben as back-up…

Nothing out of place with a young couple checking out a cozy little jazz club, right?

With that plan in mind, Rey sets to packing her things up and slowly retracing her steps, electing to crawl along the row of hedges that’ll cover her until she makes it to the other end of the street. All in all, it’s been a good night, productive and safe and not at all concerning–

Until her ears pick up the distinctive whoosh of a heavy cape fluttering down from the sky, until her eyes catch a flash of black and steel and–

Kylo.

Kylo, who’s just disappeared down the very stairs at least a dozen dangerous, heavily-armed men treaded before him. Kylo, who hasn’t been flanked by his knights in months. Kylo, who might be more than human but is still alone, one man against a dozen who’ve done things that keep even Rey up at night–

Rey gets to her feet and crosses the street before she can even talk herself out of it, before she even knows she’s come to a decision. The flashing, buzzing neon sign gives her pause, blinds her for a moment as it advertises The Cantina and Live Music Downstairs. As Rey tries to blink neon pink out of her eyes, a face sears itself onto the back of her eyelids.

Ben.

Ben pacing, Ben worrying, Ben with tears in his eyes and a hitch in his voice and his broad shoulders curled in on himself–

“I’m sorry, baby,” Rey whispers to herself, and swallows the rest of her words down with the lump in her throat as she begins her descent into the underground. In the space between the stairs and the entrance, hidden from the outside world by heavy velvet curtains, she bends down and retrieves a switchblade from her right boot. It’s warm from being strapped to her leg, and the weight is comforting in her palm until Rey slips both the blade and her hand into her jacket pocket.

Fingers still curled around the weapon – a gift from Kylo so many moons ago, ironically enough, because you never know when to quit, Ms. Niima – and shoulders filled with tension, Rey draws in one last fortifying breath and forcefully pushes her way past the curtains into a room barely visible thanks to dim lighting and thick smoke.

It takes longer than it should for her eyes to adjust, for her to realize there’s no jazz in the jazz club, no lively music or low murmurs or faked laughter, for her to see patrons and staff alike huddled in a corner and shaking like leaves in a storm.

“What…” Rey can’t hear herself over the blood roaring in her ears, the heart thumping in her chest. She steadies herself, tightens her grip around the hidden blade, and tries again. “What’s going on here?”

It’s an elderly woman who finds the courage to speak while everyone else seems to curl in on themselves even more than before, making themselves as small and quiet as possible in the darkened room. “It’s the Rens,” she whispers, voice faint and shaky but made audible through sheer resolve. “One of them, at least. He said to stay down, stay quiet, and stay out of the way, and then he disappeared behind the stage.” A trembling hand slowly pulls itself away from her lap to direct Rey’s attention to even more curtains behind the raised platform full of abandoned instruments, and even all the velvet in the world can’t muffle the gunshot that rings out from behind those curtains at that exact moment.

It rips through the air and cuts through the silence like butter, lodges itself in Rey’s heart just as it leaps into her throat.

Kylo always, always uses silencers.

“Stay here,” she warns the crowd, now even paler than before as they all try to recover from the sound; one man has blood on his lips, from where he’d bitten down to keep in a startled cry. “It’s going to be okay, I promise,” Rey adds, unconvincing even to her own ears, but the others don’t contradict her as she rushes across the floor and carefully parts the heavy curtains.

The stage is set up mere feet away from the wall, curtains and cinderblock creating a narrow hallway behind the velvet. A neon EXIT sign draws her eyes down one end, while a sliver of light beckons from the other. The trail of bodies – knocked out or worse; Rey doesn’t want to consider that right now – seem to lead towards the light, and so that’s the direction she slowly heads towards until she’s close enough to press her ear against a closed door.

She can barely make out the words from beyond the heavy oak door, but the terrible gurgling sound that punctuates every other word comes through loud and clear.

“You… traitor…” the gurgling man spits, his words so slurred they’re nearly indecipherable.

Another voice reaches her ears, and Rey nearly sags against the door in relief. “You disobeyed my direct orders,” Kylo replies in a voice as cold and sharp as the winter air, and all it does is fill her up with warmth. “I’m in charge now. And when I say shut it down, I mean it.”

A sickeningly wet sound follows – laughter, Rey realizes; the laughter of a man choking on his own blood and breathing his last breath. “Your father… was right,” the man wheezes in his last moments. “You are weak–”

He’s cut off by a sharp snap, and his final words haunt the abrupt silence that follows. Moments pass as Rey desperately gulps down one deep breath after another, her throat growing tighter with every fallen body she counts in the hallway as that undeniable snap echoes in her ears.

A pained groan finally snaps her out of it.

“Kylo!” she calls out as she knocks on the door, alerting him to her presence as one hand curls around the doorknob, the other still lodged deep in her pocket. “Kylo, don’t shoot, it’s me–” Rey announces as she flings the door open only to find him leaning against a wall, his breathing ragged as one hand clutches at his side.

“Oh god,” Rey whimpers, picking her way across a sea of bodies to reach him. “What happened? Are you okay? God, Kylo, why are you even here all alone, this was so ridiculously stupid of you–”

His laugh turns into a sharp gasp as Rey bats his hand away from his side and replaces it with both of hers. “That’s rich, coming from you–” he retorts, only to fall silent when she sobs at the sight of her blood-stained hands.

He’s dressed in all black as usual, the big dumb overgrown goth villain, and she can’t… she couldn’t even see it, before this, can’t tell now how much blood he’s losing or how bad it is.

“We need to get you to a hospital–”

Black gloved hands curl around hers. “No. No hospitals,” Kylo implores her with a weak squeeze.

She can barely see that stupid mask of his through the tears swimming in her eyes. “Don’t be ridiculous, you’re going to bleed out–”

He shakes his head at the panicked stream of words tumbling past her lips, squeezes her hands again. “Rey. Rey. I’ll be okay, I promise. I just need to get the bullets out, and everything will be okay.”

“But–”

There are so many bodies on the ground. So many, and for each of them at least one gun by their side. Superhuman or not, even Kylo can’t–

“Sweetheart,” he whispers, and she blinks away her tears to look into the empty, cold depths where his eyes should be. “I’m going to be fine, I swear. I just… I need you to not be here for this part, okay?”

Sweetheart, he calls her, in a voice so low and familiar that her mind itches for those two pins and a length of red string again, for the two dots she can’t even identify, let alone connect. But she’s reminded of more pressing matters at hand when her bloody fingers slip from his grasp.

“What part?”

A sigh crackles through his modulator. “The part where I dig bullets out of myself.”

Her stomach, already weak from the past twenty minutes, threatens to turn against her at the thought.

It must be obvious – or maybe she’s turning green – because Kylo seizes on this opportunity to push her away. “It’s not going to be pretty, Rey. Just… I need you to go and get those people out, okay? Can you do that for me, sweetheart? Get them all upstairs and call the cops. And then go home, Rey.”

That chases the nausea off quite effectively. “No,” Rey says fiercely, steps closer to erase the distance he’s trying to put between them. “I’m not leaving you.”

“Rey, please–”

“No,” she insists, staring down the soulless steel hiding his eyes from her. “I’m going to get those people out, and then I’m coming back for you. And one of them can call the cops while you and I get the hell out of here.”

Kylo remains silent, and she remains stubborn, unwavering as she continues to glare at his dumb mask and will him into submission just this once.

It would be easy, to do as he says. To turn her back on him now and go help all those people instead, to climb into her car and go home to Ben, Ben who’s probably worried sick by now, Ben whose eyes and voice and heart she actually knows, Ben who actually deserves this kind of care and concern from her.

But Rey never does the easy thing, and they both know it.

“You really don’t know when to quit,” Kylo finally relents with another crackly sigh.

Rey- Rey laughs. It surprises them both, the shaky, wet sound that rips past her lips as she reaches for his hands. “You know me. Now, what’s the plan?”

He takes one of her hands and points out a large bookcase on the other side of the room. “There’s a tunnel, right behind that. Not the most original, I know,” Kylo says wryly, beating her to it, “but it’ll work.”

Their joined hands fall down somewhere between them, and when Rey turns back to him she knows he’s looking at her. “I’ll wait for you here.”

She nods and lets go of him. “I’ll be back soon. And I swear to god, Kylo, if you’re not here when I come back–”

It’s like something out of a dream, watching him peel off a glove to curve a pale, warm palm over her cheek. “I would never do that to you,” Kylo whispers, vows, and–

Even if Rey’s never seen his eyes, even if she’s never heard his voice… in that moment Rey remembers that she does know his heart just as she knows Ben’s, knew it long before she ever met Ben.

With guilt wrapped around her like a noose, she takes Kylo’s hand in her own and presses a kiss to his palm.

“Be back in a minute,” Rey promises, and rushes out of the room without looking back.

. . .

It takes closer to ten minutes than one to herd all the terrified people upstairs and pass on instructions, but Rey rushes back down as soon as the first 911 call is made. The hidden tunnel won’t stay hidden for long once first responders swarm the place, but all they need is a head-start.

Kylo is waiting for her by the secret entrance when she comes back, the bookcase pushed aside just enough to allow the both of them through.

“Ready to make a run for it?” he asks, holding out a hand. His gloves are nowhere to be found.

Rey laces their fingers together, smiles as she feels his warmth seep into her skin. “With you? Always.”

She thinks he smiles back at her, wishes she could see it, but– baby steps. He lets go of her hand to pull the bookcase back into place, and Rey has the foresight to reach for her phone and turn on her flashlight just as the bookcase blocks out all light and leaves them in total darkness.

He doesn’t reach for her again as they begin walking, but Rey… Rey shakes away the phantom weight of Ben’s hand to seek the comforting warmth of Kylo’s. She laces their fingers together just as the tunnel widens and a faint light comes into view, welcoming them to the old subway tracks the city abandoned decades ago.

Funny, how his hand in hers feels just right, how his palm curves around her cheek just like–

Two pins fall into her waiting arms, with the elusive red string just out of reach.

“Kylo… how did you know I was going to be here tonight?”

“I didn’t,” he says easily, quickly, and Rey might even believe him if not for the little voice in her head that’s growing louder and louder, echoing words and promises and weird dreams she’s always dismissed as wishful thinking.

Rey stops and lets go of his hand, crosses her arms over her chest and waits until he stops as well. “The timing is too coincidental,” she argues, heart hammering in her chest even as her mind reaches and reaches for that goddamn string, for some way, any way, to make sense of it all, to make it possible. “And there are never any coincidences with you.”

He keeps his back turned, shoulders tense even as he drops his head. “What are you suggesting, Rey? That I walked into that jazz club and singlehandedly took down the most dangerous syndicate in this country because I was sick and tired of watching you put yourself in danger around them?”

She doesn’t bother to acknowledge the obvious truth. “Only two people knew,” Rey says instead, backing him into a corner. “Only two people in the world knew I’d be here tonight.”

Maz could’ve told him. She’s never mentioned Kylo Ren, never even hinted at possibly knowing him, but Rey honestly wouldn’t be surprised to find out that her foster mother has a direct line to the city’s protector.

And of course there’s always the extremely unlikely possibility that Ben’s the one who knows Kylo, that he called in a favor or begged for help or maybe just collaborated with Kylo to keep her safe.

But if Ben had even the slightest inkling of what had happened tonight, he’d be here. He’d be here with her, holding her hand, making sure she gets home safe and sound–

And finally, finally Rey accepts the connection there, reaches for the red string and binds the two men in her life into one.

Kylo still hasn’t said anything.

“Take off your mask,” she whispers to his back as her shaking hand reaches for his shoulder.

He doesn’t move, doesn’t turn, doesn’t show even the slightest reaction to her request or her fingers digging into his skin. He won’t even look at her.

“Goddamn it, Kylo!” Rey snaps, reaching out with both hands to turn him around and force him to face her. “Take off that stupid mask!”

Even now, he’s not looking at her. She can tell, she can always tell. “It’s not stupid,” he says weakly, what little humor he must’ve infused his words with lost to the mechanism of his modulator.

All this time wondering what that godawful piece of machinery was hiding from her, only to find out it’s the same voice that whispers sweet nothings into her ear on lazy mornings and breathes devoted promises into the hollow of her neck late at night, when he thinks she can’t hear him promising her a future together, a lifetime with each other.

“It is,” she growls. “It’s stupid, all of it, and I’ve always hated it – the mask, the modulator, everything. I hate that I can never tell if you’re smiling. I hate that I spent two years not knowing what your eyes look like. I hate that I can never tell if you mean any of the things you tell me–”

He reaches for her then, with the same hands that hold her close at night.

“I do, I always do. Rey, everything I’ve ever told you–”

She shakes her head, pulls her hands out of his when she thinks of all the things he didn’t tell her.

Rey closes her eyes, holds herself tight the way she wishes she could let him hold her now. And with the very last bit of energy she has left in her, she takes a leap.

“Take off the mask… Ben.”

For one terrible, quiet moment, she thinks he’s not going to do it, thinks he’s going to lie to her face. But then his shaking hands reach for the mask, and it feels like something out of a dream when there’s a hiss as he reaches behind his neck and undoes the complex mechanism, breaching the seal connecting his helmet to the collar of his stealth suit.

But then he falters, trembling fingers curling around the helmet so tightly his knuckles go white.

“Rey, I…”

The modulator must’ve been deactivated along with everything else, because the voice that pierces her heart is undeniably Ben’s. Ben’s, and small, and scared.

So Rey takes that final step for the both of them, closes the distance and replaces his hands with hers. She traces her eyes over every familiar, beloved feature as it’s revealed, full lips and tall nose and whiskey eyes that she knows better than her own.

The mask drops to the ground with a clang that echoes throughout the tunnel, but neither of them react, still lost in each other’s eyes, in their own little world.

“Why?” Rey asks when her tears obscure her vision for the second time that night.

Ben tries to speak once, twice, and then like an avalanche it all comes crashing down. “I… I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I fucked up, I know I did, but everything I did, everything I’ve ever done, Rey, I did it because I love–”

“Don’t,” she warns him sharply, steps back and points a shaking finger at him. “Don’t you dare. Two years, Kylo,” she snarls at him even as she finally gives in to her tears. “Two years of waiting, of wondering, of thinking it was all in my head and you could never, would never– and now, now when I’ve finally moved on, this? Now when I’m finally happy again, you tell me it was a lie all along? You tell me I’ve been drowning in guilt for nothing? You tell me you love me?”

It seems wrong, for a man like Ben – like Kylo – to hang his head and look so utterly defeated. “It was never meant to be a lie.”

She waits. She’s been waiting two years for this story, after all.

“I knew…” He stares at his hands, curls his fingers into fists and sets his jaw before he looks up at her and softens all over again. “I knew I was doomed the second I met you. You were the most infuriatingly reckless, persistent, stubborn, brave, beautiful, brilliant person I’d ever met, and I wanted to kiss you until my lungs ran out of air, until I couldn’t remember a time before you.”

Two years, Rey has to remind herself to refrain from throwing herself at him right then and there. Two years of them both feeling the same way and torturing themselves over it because of him.

Ben blows out a shuddering exhale, runs a hand through his hair in a manner so familiar to her it makes her heart ache.

“But… things were different, back then. Dangerous, for both of us.”

Rey throws him a bone. “Your boss?” she guesses.

He shakes his head, hesitates for a second before he looks at her. “My father.”

After everything Ben’s whispered to her late at night, after everything Amilyn’s said about his relationship with his father, Rey can’t even bring herself to feel shocked.

“It was bad enough that we were starting to strike out on our own, getting less and less obedient with every mission he sent us on,” Ben explains. “If he knew– if he so much as suspected that you were the cause for that, if he thought you were a weakness he could turn against me…”

There’s something haunted in his eyes, something that scares a man she’s never known to fear anything.

“I couldn’t let that happen, Rey. I couldn’t let you get close enough for him to find out.”

She wants to accept it, wants that to be enough, but–

“He’s been dead for months, Ben.”

Months and months, most of which she’s spent fearing he’d abandoned her or worse.

“It took a while to settle his affairs,” he says vaguely, and there’s enough discomfort there to keep her from prodding. “And I was going to look for you right after, I was going to tell you everything as soon as I came back, but–”

Suddenly it all falls into place. “But then you saw me at work.”

Ben sighs and drops his gaze to the ground. “There you were, and I was not prepared. Part of me thought it had to be a dream, seeing you in broad daylight and holding you in my arms without those stupid gloves in the way… I freaked out. Next thing I knew I’d fucked it all up as usual.”

“You were a total asshole,” Rey agrees, softening the blow with a tentative smile as Ben looks up.

“From there it just… spiraled. I’d sworn to myself I wouldn’t do anything until you knew my true identity, until you had all the facts and could make an informed decision. But after that first day I was so sure you hated me, Ben-me, and I knew I’d never be able to live with myself if I tricked you into something. So that day in the breakroom, when I saw a chance…”

“You took it.”

“I did,” Ben nods as he hesitantly holds out a hand, and the smile he gives her when she takes it is so fragile, so small, but it’s also everything, the way he looks at her in that moment, eyes soft with fondness. “And you surprised me, like you always do.”

She keeps her hand in his, but Rey can’t find it in her to smile back at him. Not when there’s still so much to go over, not when she still has to know– “But why didn’t you tell me then? Why didn’t you tell me all this time we’ve been together?”

“Things were going so well, I was scared to fuck it up,” he murmurs, and she knows exactly what he means, knows exactly how it feels to have something so good and perfect, too good and perfect, drop into your lap and live with the constant fear that it’ll disappear just as easily and suddenly as it appeared. “Besides,” Ben goes on, “you’d said it yourself: Kylo Ren was a fantasy. A nice dream, and nothing more. So I thought… I thought maybe that’s all it ever was to you, maybe you were happy with just me after all. And the next time we met, when you told me you were seeing someone… it felt like you’d made a choice, and it was a choice I was happy to live with. So I let Kylo Ren die.”

There’s so much they’ll have to go back and hash out, so much for her to pick at in just that one sentence about Kylo being nothing but a fantasy for her, but not now. Not today.

“Until tonight,” Rey says instead, leaving the rest for some other day.

“Until tonight,” Ben echoes, free hand tugging at his hair in agitation. “I just… I know how dangerous these guys are, Rey. They reported back to Snoke. I know everything they’ve done, and the thought of you getting anywhere near that…” His fingers twitch in her hand, and he pauses for a moment to collect himself. “I gave the order for them to shut down months ago, when I was handling the rest of Snoke’s affairs, but they refused.”

He meant well, she knows. Just like he meant well by keeping her in the dark, just like he meant well by putting Kylo Ren to rest, but– Rey can still see that trail of dead bodies, can still hear the snap of the gurgling man’s neck.

“So you killed them all,” she says quietly, looking at their joined hands rather than him.

Ben rests his other hand over hers, engulfing her between hands that have more blood on them than she might ever know. “And I’d do it all over again,” he tells her without hesitation, voice low and scratchy, “if it means you’re safe.”

It’s too much, it’s all just too much, and she can’t help but say so.

“I’m sorry, sweetheart,” he murmurs again and again as he draws her close and holds her tight. “I’m so sorry, I know I fucked up, I’m sorry–”

Rey wraps her arms around him in return and sighs as she allows herself to feel the full brunt of tonight’s events. “You said everything you’ve done, you’ve done for me. For… love.”

A strange thing, love. Life-ruining, even, if not handled correctly.

“I did,” Ben says. “Everything, Rey, it’s all for you, one way or another. Because I love–”

She shakes her head, snakes one hand up to silence him with a finger pressed against his lips. “Not yet,” Rey whispers against his heart. “I don’t want to hear you say it yet. Not after all of this, not before we’ve worked through it.”

This time, they’re going to handle it correctly.

Ben takes the hand hovering close to his lips, presses a kiss to it. “Not yet,” he concedes quietly, with all the contrition of a boy begging for forgiveness and all the hope of a man willing to make amends, “but someday?”

Someday sounds acceptable.

Someday sounds like a promise.

“Someday,” Rey agrees, and lets him walk her home that night.

. . .

This is about two months late, but it's also nearly twice the length it should've been so... yay for extra content?

In all seriousness, I'm so sorry for the delay. I love this fic dearly, but writing it has been oddly challenging. And my mind did this neat thing where the longer I put it off, the more intimidating it became to tackle. Fun! I think it's pretty obvious that I struggled with this chapter, but I hope it turned out decent at the very least. And as for that weak ending - I rewrote it at least fifteen times and am still not pleased with it, but at least we'll have an epilogue this weekend to (hopefully) make up for it!

Thank you to those still reading after that unforeseen hiatus from hell, and as always please don't hesitate to like/reblog/comment!

[disgruntledkittenface]

11/11/11

thank you @a-brighter-yellow @runaway-train-works and @allwaswell16 for tagging me! I took a few questions from each list to answer. 

What fic have you written that you wish everyone would read?

I think bambi legs. I love this fic, it has the warmth and heart that I wanted to infuse in it, and I’m just really proud of it. I’m not sure how many hits to expect on a girl direction fic, but sometimes I see the stats and I think oh, I wish more people had been into it.

Can you listen to or watch anything while you write? What?

Nope, nothing, I can’t concentrate with something on. It’s funny because I listened to Niall’s Spotify playlist the entire time I was writing my first fic, but ever since then I need quiet.

Do your close family/friends outside the fandom read your fics?

No, not really – I did send the first few to my best friend outside of the fandom, but that’s it. Oh, other than @queenofquiet17 who is the mother of the Grace x Karen/Will 7 Grace fandom, she reads all my stuff before I post it. I don’t really have the energy to, like, educate people about fanfic as a hobby, so I just keep it to fandom space mostly.

Is it important to you to describe what your main characters are wearing in every scene? Do you try to pick canon outfits? 

I love nothing more than picking canon outfits, I have entire lookbooks for a fic I will never write languishing in my google docs. My last published fic was crafted specifically around canon outfits. But I haven’t been going out of my way to describe outfits that aren’t a plot point in my current WIP, like unless there’s a reason to specify which ugly cardigan I mean or something.

What’s your favorite comment you’ve ever received?

I fucking love all positive comments, but this one on bambi legs is a forever fave: 

i loved this fic so much. i loved how sweet it was! it was amazing! and i just wanted to thank you for the part where harry is talking to louis about how she feels about the whole asexual thing. it felt so good to read what ive been coming to terms with written down in such a good fic!

What is a fic that you hope to write someday?

I still really want to a Grace Kelly AU and I’m definitely planning on it, but I got totally sidetracked this year. I told myself this could be the fic where I aim for like 100k, but I’m coming to terms with the fact that I just don’t write fics that long. I would love to do it for Big Bang next year, but that’s a huge commitment so I’m not sure.

How often do you spend writing in an average week and is there a certain time of day/day of the week you do it?

This is terrible, but I get most of my writing done in bits and snatches during the workday. Something in me really responds to sitting at a desk? Which is not a setup I have at home. How much time I spend writing totally depends on the week and on the fic, I think. My current wip is split into somewhat short chapters, I think the longest is 5.6k, and I seem to be writing half of a chapter in a day, revising it over a few days, repeat for the second half of the chapter, then a week break to mull the next.

Are you an outliner or do you like to wing it? 

I love an outline so fucking much, but the past few projects, I’ve been winging it a little more than usual and letting myself find the fic a bit more as I go. I could never do away with an outline altogether, I don’t think. Even if I just wrote a first chapter on the fly, I know myself, I would immediately open a notes doc and start structuring.

What’s your favorite fic promo post you (or a collaborator) has ever made?  

I am a huge fan of the moodboard for When this all gets old, I saved this on my phone for like months:

Um, @crinkle-eyed-boo is really good at them, all of hers are fab. I also like all of mine, every single one.

What’s your most popular fic and why do you think it’s your most popular?

By far, you came into my life, and I think for a few reasons. One, Queer Eye is/was hugely popular and I think this was the first or one of the first AUs. It was a good length at 57k, long but not intimidatingly so? And I think people connected to it because it came from a really honest and relatable place. A lot of us have explored/learned about sexuality through fic and I feel like I reflected back a lot of that journey for me in writing this one.

What can people expect from your next fic?

Okay, people have been overwhelmingly kind every time I share last lines and snippets and I love you all, but I’m nervous to share this one. You can expect fluff because Harry and Louis meet for the first time and start dating. You can expect a cat and probably too many coffee references because that’s just my whole deal. There’s vampires which I understand are canceled today?? (Maggie for the whoops.) 

But you can also expect, like, frank discussions of grieving and feeling depressed, and that might be – understandably so – too much for a lot of people. I’m being super withholding and only showing it to one friend so far and she said the balance of fluff and grieving is working really well so fingers crossed, guys.

THANK YOU FOR TAGGING ME, I love seeing everyone’s answers and getting to write my own, but I have to go beta things and then write more, so I’m not going to spend the hours I know I would trying to think of a new set of questions

[maximows]

Against the Odds - Chapter VII

Love you, Wifey,

MASTERLIST (mobile) AO3

Warnings: pure smut (right at the end), lil’ ass play, fluff, alcohol, drinking, honestly the smut scene it like two pages long

After 3 hours in the make-up chair, I was 100% positive my hair was going to fall out within the next week. Since I was blonde now, I had agreed to have it dyed to Wanda’s hair colour instead of using a wig. We were filming mostly in Atlanta and it’s May, so I just didn’t want another layer of silicone on me. Instead, I had to go through hair-dying two times, because they didn’t get to colour right the first time.

Dodger was sleeping on the couch in the corner of my trailer with a fan running directly on him, like a true diva. Chris has been shooting since early in the morning and he was already gone when I woke up, so the dog spent pretty much all the time with me.

I haven’t been feeling very well for the last few days. It was my first shooting day, but I came here with Chris a couple of days ago, because he started shooting earlier and I had some screen tests. I’ve been having some mild headaches during the day, which could turn into nearly unbearable ones in the evening. I’ve also been experiencing some sickness and was barely able to keep anything down, unless it was something very light.

They didn’t want to blow-dry my hair, because it makes it fuzzy, so I got to have a lunch break. Dodger followed me out and we went to Downey’s trailer. Robert had invited me for lunch earlier and I couldn’t say no, because he always has the nicest food on set and it doesn’t make me sick as much.

“Oh, hello, my brown-haired beauty!” he exclaimed when I was nearing his village. “I thought you’d never come.”

I approached him and gave him a kiss on the cheek. “I’m sorry, Rob. They messed up my hair and had to do it all over again.”

“It’s fine, nobody shows up on time anyway,” he said and laid out a water bowl for Dodger. Dodger is now the official set pet. “Help yourself, honey. We have everything you like.”

I grabbed a chicken salad and sat at the table with Robert. “Who’s coming today?” I asked, stuffing the delicious food into my mouth.

“Well, Mackie should be here soon, Evans and Scarlett when they finish their scenes, Emily, as in VanCamp,” he saw my face, when he mentioned the last person. “I know you don’t love her, but...”

“It’s not that I don’t love her, I just don’t like being around people who say that I stole their role, because I slept with someone.” I said and took a sip of my smoothie.

“You’ve gotten feistier since I last saw you.” Rob chucked. “Is everything alright?”

I scratched Dodger’s head and sighed. “You’re not only our main feeder, but also a therapist,” I smiled. “Chris and I are having a bit of a rough time, I think. We, um, we bought that house together, then went on the Age of Ultron press tour together, now we’re filming this and we also agreed to do another movie together... It just started to seem like we are just trapped together. Well, he says that.”

“How is that a problem? Evans can’t stop talking about you when you’re not around and suddenly he feels like he’s in a trap?” Rob asked. “Honestly, I’ve known the guy for a few years now and you’re his longest relationship, so maybe it’s just his odd way of getting used to commitment or something.”

“I don’t know,” I shrugged. “I try not to think about it, to be honest. He was talking about engagement like 3 months ago, so I figured it’s not commitment he’s uncomfortable with. Anyway, he’s been taking care of me now that I’m sick.”

“Give him a break, love. He’s a Gemini.” Robert nodded and turned around to see Anthony walk in, still wearing his suit. 

“I hate this city, I hate this city,” he kept repeating under his breath. “Do ya’ll have any ice I can eat?” He sat back on a chair and sighed loudly.

“Have any one of you had any scenes today?” he asked. “Because it’s fucking hot out in the sun and I wouldn’t let my worst enemy work in that heat.”

While Mackie was complaining, Emily joined us and sat on the other side of the table. Our relations have been very, very tense, since I found out what he has been talking about me. She was stupid enough to spread those things amongst people who knew me.

So. I oncereceived a text from Aaron. “I didn’t know you were already dating Chris at that party at his place in February”

It was just a casual text, he basically wanted to express his shock, when he found out we were appearently already a couple at that time.

“We weren’t. We met that night. Who told you that?” I replied.

“Emily VanCamp is working on a movie with Sam and she told her, and I quote ‘I actually almost got to work on a movie with your husband too, but Emilia Dawson started to magically date Chris Evans right when the auditions started and suddenly I lost the job.’”

What a fucking bitch, I thought. To be honest, I had no idea she auditioned for my role. I got an invitation to audition, but the process was incredibly fast and I figured they considered me to be the only candidate.

“Looks like she’s just mad I got “her" role. I hope she hasn’t been spreading those rumours around too much.”

That’s why we are not on speaking terms, but that’s alright, because her contract expires after Civil War. I’ve never been mean to anyone on set and, to be honest, I’m not mean towards her either, I just don’t speak to her. Chris was trying to talk me into solving this issue with her, but that’s not my thing to do. She should’ve just shut her mouth and thought this through.

I felt my headache kick in again, so I closed my eyes and rubbed my temples. “I really hate this city.” I mumbled.

“Hey, maybe you want me to get you to an air-conditioned room?” Anthony asked. “I mean, the heat must be just making it much worse.”

“No, I’m fine. I just didn’t have to time to adjust here It’s probably just a late jet lag. I’ve never reacted well to heat.” I explained. “I already filmed one scene with Scarlett and I only have a few more takes to do today.”

Both Anthony and Robert sighed. “You’re just too stubborn.”

Because of the temperature, my hair dried out quickly, so the make-up team notified Joe and Anthony that I’m ready to work. They put me into a jacket and leather pants, which didn’t help my condition. I left Dodger with Robert, even though he didn’t really want to stay there without me. Probably because he was getting bad vibes from Emily.

Chris was waiting for me on the set. He had been doing some shots with Mackie, who was supposed to join us soon.

“Hi,” Chris wrapped his arm around me and kissed my head. “How are you feeling?”

“I’m alright,” I lied. “I’ll probably get used to the temperature in a few days and I’ll be completely fine.” I explained, pulling away from him.

“Em, you got up in the middle of the night to throw up and were covered in cold sweat when I woke up today,” he whispered. “I’m not saying it’s something serious, but you’re obviously not comfortable…”

I rolled my eyes at him and watched Joe walk up to us for instructions. We were supposed to do a few simple sequences of Wanda and Steve fighting together against Crossbones. I mainly had to do gestures with my hands and fingers, so it wasn’t very tiring. Sometimes I had to do some running and that was all. Chris kept checking on me, making sure I’m not about to faint. I wasn’t. We had a few retakes, but I was as fine as I could possibly be.

At some point, I had to wait for my turn to show up at the end of Steve and Crossbones’ fight. At first, I had to contain energy from a made up explosion with Chris and Frank in the shot. Then they left and I had a few single takes. I had been practicing my choreography a lot and my headache was helping a lot with showing actual struggle on my face.

“Okay, cut!” Anthony yelled and I felt my legs turn into jelly. I started to feel a little bit dizzy and weak. I fell down and that was the last thing I remembered.

I regained my consciousness feeling very cold air around my body. I still had a knot in my stomach and felt I could throw up any minute, but at least my head wasn’t exploding anymore. I was laying on a bed with something under my legs to keep them up.

I felt someone’s hand on my bare calf, one finger brushing over my skin. I opened my eyes slowly to see Chris sitting right next to me, doing something on his phone. There were I’ve bags around my head and stomach and I was only wearing my underwear.

“Chris?” I mumbled and he reacted instantly and came to my side along with a paramedic.

“Dawson, I’m going to kill you for ignoring your health later.” He said and I could hear concern in his voice and saw it on his face.

“Ms. Dawson, we figured it’s be better for you to rest in our medical area rather than transfer you to the hospital right away. We have some tests to run and we’ll probably hook you up to IV, but I do need to ask some questions.” The paramedic said, taking out a form.

I tried to lift myself up on my elbows, but they stopped me. “I wouldn’t do that, you’re still very weak, Miss.” She said, trying to hold me down on the bed.

She asked me a few questions about my allergies, medical history and symptoms. “How long have you been feeling unwell?”

“About 3 or 4 days probably.” I answered. “But I get a few days of headaches every year when it starts to get hot, it’s normal for me.”

“She also has been throwing up.” Chris interrupted. The woman glared at him, because he probably wasn’t supposed to get involved.

“Is that true, Ms. Dawson?” she asked me.

“Yes,” I nodded. “It happens during the night or in the morning.”

She raised her eyebrow and moved her gaze from me to Chris and to me again. “Are you on any kind of birth control?”

“Yes, I’m on pills.” I said, looking at Chris who seemed to be looking at the wall above me, because of the topic we were stepping into.

She reached to her bag and took out a pregnancy test. Why does she even have those? How often do actresses find out they’re pregnant on set?

“I need to be sure you’re not pregnant, if I’m going to put you on IV or other medication,” she explained. “Drink some water now, wait 30 minutes and then take the test.”

She left the room, leaving Chris and I silently staring at the box. He finally moved and brought me a glass of water. “It’s not possible, is it?” he asked quietly. I knew it wasn’t possible. I knew I wasn’t pregnant. I took my pills every day, 11 o’clock on the dot.

“I barely eat or drink during the day, so when I have a snack in the evening…”

“You what?” he raised his voice. “Emilia, I carried you here and I realised that you lost weight, but I didn’t know you haven’t been eating. I assumed it was because you couldn’t keep anything down.”

“Well, I couldn’t keep anything down, so I only are maybe one meal a day,” I explained. “And I know it sounds fucking stupid, but…”

“No buts!” Chris snapped “I know we haven’t been talking much lately, but I can’t believe you had to lose consciousness for almost an hour to realise that you might need a doctor. I thought that, if you never said anything maybe it wasn’t that bad.”

I sat up slowly and reached out for Chris’ hand. “I’m sorry,” I mumbled. “We’ve been busy here and I genuinely thought it was just heat and some bad food combined.”

He looked down at me and pulled me against him. “Don’t ever do that again, alright?” he whispered against my head. “Em, I was so scared when you collapsed. This last hour…”

“I’m better now.” I said. “I’ll take the test and she’ll give me some meds. Tomorrow we start filming indoors, so I’ll be ok.”

Chris’ eyes wandered off to look at the test. “About the test…”

“Chris, I’m not pregnant.” I stated quickly, making sure he doesn’t get his hopes up.

He chuckled. “I know, I’m not going to bring up kids until you say you’re ready.” He clarified. “I just meant to ask if it was even possible, because the morning sicknesses checked out.”

We waited a little bit more and I went to the bathroom to take the test. I set it on the sink and went back to Chris, who was texting again. “I called your mom, by the way.”

“Are you fucking kidding me?” I sighed. “I’m surprised she hasn’t called me yet.”

“Well, your phone’s not here, so I’ll just text her that everything’s alright and you’ll call her later.” Chris said. “By the way, I was supposed to yell at you for ignoring your health issues.”

“I get it, I’m stupid.” I snuggled into his side. “Why haven’t you been talking to me, Chris?”

Chris sighed and, even though I couldn’t see his face, I knew his mouth was slightly open and he was thinking of things to say. “You know how we signed up for over a year of working together, right?” he started and I nodded. “Well, I always thought that people in a relationship should, you know, have their own things and I thought that we would get tired of each other while living and working together.”

Looking at the fact, that not so long ago he was talking about engagement, I was really surprised by what he was worried about. “Chris, how far have you gone with your previous girlfriends? Because, if moving in together is overwhelming for you, then I can’t imagine what a wedding would feel like.”

Luckily for Chris, the paramedic came back with a doctor and he didn’t have to respond right now. They checked the test, and because it came out negative, they put me on IV for a while. It turned out that I was dehydrated (not surprising) and suffered from a light heat stroke and had a food poisoning.

I got some meds to help tone down my symptoms and then I was released. Chris and I drove back to our rented house. He then left to walk Dodger out and I sat on the sofa and phoned my Mum.

“Chris told me that you’ve been unwell for some time and did nothing about it, Emilia.” She complained. “He’s such a good guy.”

My mum talking about how she feels when she can’t be with me in moments like that and how dad reacted when she told him. I was mad about that, because I didn’t see it as such a huge thing.

Chris came back and my mum heard that, because she was on speaker. “Hello, Christopher! Thank you so much for letting me know! I would’ve have to find out from the press, if it wasn’t for you.”

I rolled my eyes at her words as Chris approached me and sat on the edge of the sofa where I was lying. “It’s alright, Mrs. Dawson. I just wish Em would take care of herself more.” He said, which made my jaw drop.

“Says the guy who smells like an ashtray.” I mumbled. “Anyway, Mum, did dad also start swooning at the mention of Chris when you told him how he took care of me today?” I asked sarcastically, pushing Chris away from me.

“No, I think he still remembers that thing he said on the late night show,” Mum said and I started to laugh so hard my stomach started to hurt again. “I mean, you guys do your own thing, but I don’t think you had to say it on television, Chris.”

I couldn’t contain my laughter, especially because he didn’t know what Mum was talking about. “I love fucking girls in the butt.” I choked out and Chris suddenly became very embarrassed.

“I didn’t know he watched my appearances on the TV,” Chris said. “Had I known, I wouldn’t have drank alcohol before the recording.”

At some point my mum had to go and we were left alone with our unfinished conversation. “So… do you want tea?”

I rolled my eyes again. “Someone’s having commitment issues…” I sang. He wrapped his arms around me and laid us down together on the sofa.

“Alright, girlfriend,” he murmured. “I have never in my life proposed to anyone, if that’s what you want to know. I’ve only once officialy bought a place with a girlfriend, the rest were just sleeping at mine from time to time.”

I raised my eyebrow and reached under his shirt to pull on his dog tag. “So I don’t get it. First you demand commitment and now you're like ‘let's spend as much time apart as we can'.”

“Well,” he sighed. “In fairness, you’re the more mentally mature one and you shouldn’t listen to the shit I say. I’ve only ever worked with one of my girlfriends and we broke up before the movie premiered. That was my only long term relationship, so thought it’s just something i shouldn't do.”

“Age of Ultron has been out for some time and doing fine, so...” I shrugged and snuggled into his chest. “I think we do have our own things anyway, so you shouldn’t be worried about that. You’re the reason I sold my flat in NY and we moved in together, so suck it up Mister. Anyway, you’re the one who’s doing only one movie after Civil War. I’m also filming a TV series in September and another movie in March, so we’ll get our dose of alone time.”

Chris chuckled and kissed my forehead. “Alright, let’s just not get on each other's nerves and we're golden.”

“Now go make me a sandwich, I’m getting hungry.” I mumbled into his chest.

“You mean a grinder?” he corrected me, pronouncing it more as ‘grindah’.

“Not this again.”

I started to take my meds regularly for a few days and I got much better. To make sure the situation doesn’t happen again, the Russos decided to film all of my indoors scenes first, so could get on with work, but also avoid a similar situation.

Chris had started to treat me more like a baby than usual. He was present while I was filming all of my scenes, also the ones he wasn’t involved with. I was very uncomfortable with giving Paul Bettany romantic looks when my boyfriend was right next to me. I mean, I didn’t insist on being there when he shoot that uncalled for kiss between Steve and Sharon.

Around mid-June we got a week off from filming, so Chris and flew back to LA. It was the first time we were staying at the new house, since the renovating team had finished it while we were gone.

Dodger had no problems getting used to his new home. Chris also seemed to love it, even though it wasn’t his first choice. And I was utterly in love with this house. Every day, when I woke up, I had a sunrise in front of me, sneaking through the windows. I looked at Chris, who’s still asleep peacefully and snuggled into him. Even in his sleep, he pulls me closer to him and kisses my shoulder. It’s heaven.

On Friday the 12th, Chris’ friends visited him from Boston to celebrate his birthday. They had an all-boys night with snooker, beers, whisky, American football and stakes, so I let them be and left to run some errands and for a meeting with Jeremy. I had agreed to do an independent movie next year and after reading the script, I thought that the other lead role would be perfect for Jeremy, so I asked him for a meeting.

I walked around a few shops, not really knowing what I wanted to buy, but ended up buying a cute set of pyjamas, jeans and a pair of high heeled shoes.

“Hi, Jer!” I greeted him as he stood up from the table. “How are you?”

“You saw me a few days ago, not much has changed,” he smiled and pulled out the chair for me. “Anyway, you got me interested in that movie.”

I handed him my script. Taylor had asked me not to make any copies, so Jeremy had to read at least a part of it here. We ordered our food and discussed some parts of the movie. “Have they told you where you’d film this?” he asked.

“They’re thinking of Utah in spring,” I answered. “It’s about 5 weeks of filming, but I looked up the locations and they’re incredible, Jer.”

Jeremy seemed very interested in doing the movie. “I’m just a bit worried, you know. I barely got joint custody for my daughter, because my ex tried to prove I don’t have enough time to properly raise a child, so I was actually thinking of having some time off.”

“I mean, I’m not trying to persuade you or anything,” I clarified. “Taylor only mentioned that they still need a male lead, so I asked him for characteristics and thought of you. I’m gonna give you Taylor’s number so you can discuss some matters with him, if you have any other questions.”

Jeremy nodded, putting the script aside. “Anyway, where’s Evans?

“His birthday is tomorrow and his mates from Boston are visiting, so I have house full of Bostonians,” I said. “They’re spending the night, too.”

“You’re in for a loud night,” he chuckled.

“Yeah, but I actually have an invitation to a club for a few of my friends, so I might just do that.” I shrugged. “Seems a bit odd to leave Chris the night before his birthday, but I wouldn’t want to crash their evening either.”

“Good call, guys get super mad when their buddies girlfriends join,” Jeremy said. “How are you two? I gotta be honest, I was pretty sceptical about your relationship at first. Not that I didn’t like you, Em, everyone fucking adores you, but on set relationships have ruined a lot of fun on set.”

I took a bite out of my chicken and said, “We have our ups and downs, but it’s great. So, unless we have a fight, we won’t be ruining the atmosphere.”

“Evans is a great guy, but he’s still lucky to have you,” He grinned. “Honestly, when I met him, I just couldn’t imagine him in an actual, serious relationship and now he responds to the snap of your fingers.”

I laughed out loud, knowing exactly that it’s not true. “Well, that’s a bit of an overstatement.”

We joked a bit more about Chris and talked the Wanda and Hawkeye relationship in the comics, which is sort of a father-daughter thing. It was really fun, especially when be realised that he could, in fact, be my father.

“I’m sorry, I can’t stay longer, but I left Ava with a sitter.”

“Yeah, of course,” I said. “Anyway, I really hope we get to work together again soon, not only for Marvel.”

“And I’m waiting for a housewarming party invitation.”

Jeremy walked me back to my car and we said our goodbyes. I had already noticed a photographer while we were inside, so I was positive that there would be a story about me cheating on my boyfriend with Jer.

It was still early and I knew that Chris hasn’t even started the proper party yet, so I decided to actually go to the club. I got invited by some friends I made on the set of Tudors, who have now also moved to LA.

I didn’t drink, since I had my car with me, but we mainly sat at out table and talked. It’s been too long since we had previously spoken, so it was nice to catch up. At some point we started to dance and I lost track of time.

It’s been too long since I went clubbing and it felt so good to just to close my eyes and not think about anything. I need to take Chris out to a club sometime soon. We’d have a lot of fun.

I think it was around 2 am when I decided it was about time to go back home. I could barely stand on my feet from all this dancing and had to take my shoes off to drive normally.

When I arrived home, the lights were still on. I was hoping to get inside quietly and go to the bedroom, but as soon as I walked in, Dodger started to bark. I bet he wasn’t a fan of the noise.

“Shhh, buddy. Come on, don’t be like that.” I scratched him behind the ear.

Chris came downstairs to greet me at the door and I saw that it took a lot for him not to fall down the stairs. “Hey, babe,” he blurted out. He wasn’t overly drunk, but I would say that he should've stopped drinking about 3 shots ago. “Where ‘ave you been?” His Boston accent was back from spending half the day with his childhood friends. I was kind of loving it.

“I met up with Jeremy and then went out with some friends,” I said and kissed him quickly. “Happy birthday.”

“Oh, God, don’t mention it,” He mumbled and connected out lips in a kiss again. He tasted like alcohol and cigars, which is exactly how I imagine their party would look like. “I hate gettin' old.”

“Old or not, I love you, Evans.” I whispered and made him grin.

“You’re an angel, you know that?” I could see how much he had to focus to say those things out loud properly. “Come on, let me show ya off to the guys a little.”

I rolled my eyes and climbed the stairs with his arm wrapped around me, probably for balance. “Fellas, this is my girl, Emilia,” he said, presenting me almost like Will Smith did with Jada in that one photo. “Some of you have met her, some haven’t been blessed yet.”

“Hey,” I waved at them almost awkwardly. “Don’t worry, I’ll just get something to drink and I’m running upstairs.”

“Why? You should stay with us.” Adam pointed at a spot next to him. “You’re all Chris talks about, anyway.”

“Yeah, I may have never met you, but literally know everything about you,” said the guy that introduced himself as Sam. “Ain’t your fault though, he’s obsessed.”

“I’m sorry, I have no idea what’s gotten into him.” I shrugged. “Anyway, I’m getting myself some wine and I’m gone. Chris, try to change the subject, alright?”

Chris pouted and let me go. I went to the kitchen and grabbed myself a glass of wine and a small bowl of strawberries. I rushed upstairs, taking Dodger with me, grabbed my laptop from the study and set it all on the bedside table. I took a quick shower and changed into my newly bought pyjamas, which I knew Chris will love once he sees it.

I buried myself under the sheets and played a random episode of The Office. Dodger laid down next to my legs, setting his head on my lap for him to scratch. This is the thing he’s takes after his owner. “You’re such an attention seeker, buddy.” He just sighed, signalling that he couldn’t care less, he just wants his petting time.”

I downed my glass very fast and didn’t get a refill, even though I wanted to. At some point I feel asleep with the show still on, Dodger laying down high enough to reach my shoulders and half the bowl of strawberries set on the keyboard.

I woke up to the sound Chris stumbling on the floor. He took the laptop and the bowl off the bed and tried to climb on to the bed without waking me up, but failed.

“You’re such a clumsy drunk, love,” I mumbled against my pillow. “What time is it?”

“It’s, uh, half past 4.” He said, taking off his trousers.

I shifted on my elbows to look at him struggle with the famous red belt which obviously was too complicated to figure out now. “Here, let me help you, old man.” I laughed and sat up on the bed to help him undress.

He gave up and laid back on the bed, before noticing my clothes. “Are these NASA PJs?” He asked.

I smiled and nodded. “You forbid me from buying you any presents so I decided to buy one for myself.”

Suddenly, he wasn’t so helpless anymore and wrestled me down to lay under him. “You’re sadly mistaken, if you think that it’s only a gift for you, fool.”

I turned on the bed to give him a good view of the booty shorts covered with NASA logos. Chris hissed and bent down to leave a few kisses on my thigh and butt. “Fucking amazing.” He whispered to himself, before biting down on my soft flesh.

“Chris!” I squealed, because he wasn’t gentle. Dodger woke up and barked at us.

He sat back and looked at me. “Honestly, I’m so drunk, full and tired that even the sight of this sweet ass isn’t keeping me alive.” He said in such a sad voice that I felt kind of bad for him.

Chris just sighed and threw himself on the bed next to me and brought me as close to him as possible. “Goodnight, Angel.” He whispered and kissed my ear.

“Goodnight, love.” I chuckled and feel asleep.

I woke up a little bit over 5 hours later, again because of Chris, who started to snore unbearably. He was sprawled out on the bed, barely leaving space for me. And that was impressive, because our bedroom bed was huge. Dodger spent the night in his bed on the floor, because once Chris came back, he didn’t leave much space for his rommies.

I got up and went to the bathroom. I brushed my teeth and rushed downstairs with Dodger, who demanded a breakfast right away. I gave him his food and found some leftover pasta for myself. I ate it, made myself some lemon and lime water to go and took Dodger on a walk. First, we went up the hill so he could run around and have some fun. I threw him some sticks and tried to teach him how to fetch, but he was being too playful. I wanted to jog a little bit, but it was too hot and I didn’t want to tire myself out again.

We walked back home, but I let Dodger in to the car and we drove to the shops. I wanted to buy some ingredients for the breakfast I was planning. Chris’ friends were leaving today, late in the afternoon, so we still had to find some entertainment until 7pm.

Having used up a lot of his energy, Dodger was politely walking around by me, not caring around other people or dogs. I bought everything I needed, including more water and Coke and drove back home.

As I suspected, it was almost 11am and none of them have woken up. I went up to the kitchen and placed everything in the fridge, before preparing crust for my breakfast pizza.

“You’re always hungry, aren’t you?” I grinned at Dodger who wouldn’t let me out of his sight, hoping to get some of the smoked chicken I was slicing, which he loves so much he tries to nick it off the counter. At some point he got tired of standing, so he laid down and kept checking on me once in a while.

I made 8 doughs, chopped some meat and vegetables and made a sauce, so everything was ready for me to pop into the oven.

“Am I in hell?” I heard Chris’ low, hoarse voice on the stairs. He was only wearing black jogging pants and no shirt. He had just taken a shower and, I hope, brushed his teeth. “Because it fucking feels like it.”

I giggled at him, but also felt bad for the state he was in. “Do you want some water? It’s ice cold.”

“Yeah, yeah.” He mumbled and sat on the stool at the kitchen counter. I brought him the glass and kissed him on the head. “God, you're too good to me.”

I walked around the kitchen island and put one pizza in the oven. It shouldn’t be long until it’s done. “Do you want some painkillers?” I asked.

“Do we have any?” he lifted his head rapidly, too rapidly apparently. He groaned in pain. “Fucking alcohol.”

I found the pills and refilled his glass. “My poor baby,” I stoked his wet hair, pulling him in for a hug. “At least you had fun.”

He nodded and set his head on my shoulder. “I’m dying...” He whispered and I barely could hold my laughter. “I regret the fun.”

“I mean, you’re 34 today, so...” I chuckled.

“Fuck you,” he muttered. “God, I wish I had the strength to actually fuck you.”

I tilted my head to the side, smiling sweetly at him. “Take the pills. You go upstairs and I’ll wait for the pizza to be done, then I’ll come to the bedroom, feed you and then fuck you.”

Chris groaned and stood up. “Love you, wifey,” I raised my eyebrow at the nickname. “Too much?” he asked.

I shrugged. “I like it, it’s alright.”

Even though he was still a wreck, Chris smiled at me and went up the stairs. “We’re so fucking cheesy.”

I waited a few more minutes for the pizza to be done, sliced it and went upstairs. At this point, I was really hoping Chris' friends wouldn't wake up for at least another hour.

Chris was laying on the bed, his eyes fixed on the ceiling. I shut the door and he turned his gaze to me. “I got way too drunk to be treated this good today.” He said.

I climbed on to the bed and handed my boyfriend a glass of Coke. „Drink this,” I said, rubbing his bare chest. He didn’t have a shirtless scene in Civil War, so they didn’t make him wax his chest, and as much as I never like hairy chests, he had the right amount of hair. The only scene that allowed him to show the incredible shape he got into, was the helicopter scene, which as I told him “could literally replace our foreplay”.

“I really hope these will help, ‘cause I’m guessing you’re not into necrophilia.” He chuckled dryly, referring to the pills he took.

“I can’t believe it’s the first time I’m seeing you hangover.” I said.

“Well, I had to show you my better side, so you wouldn’t want to leave me in the beginning,” he answered. “What do you mean ‘you can’t believe it’s the first time’?”

“Brits and Bostonians have a lot in common,” I shrugged. “As in, both like to drink until we throw up. Did you throw up today?”

Chris looked at me and grinned. “None of your business,” He sat up on the bed, leaning on the headboard. “Now give me my food, woman.”

He ate his pizza while talking about what they did while I was away or asleep. I couldn’t understand how grown up men could entertain themselves in the exact same way I did with my friends 5 years ago, when I was first allowed to drink. “In all honesty, you’re all just a bunch of immature boys.”

“I know,” he shrugged, his mouth full. “Half of them uses Tinder for one-night stands and haven’t been in a serious relationship for a while.”

“Do they have a problem with that?”

“Not really, but they do have a weird look on serious relationships,” he answered, taking sip of Coke. “They thought that as soon as you come back, the party would be over.

I raised my eyebrow. “And as we can clearly see by the state of my boyfriend, the fun continued for a long time after I came back.”

Chris smiled sweetly and grabbed my hand. “Yeah, because your boyfriend’s more into long term relationships, I guess.”

“Oh, I know that, I’ve known that for a long time, “ I said. “That’s why it took me less than a month to know he was worthy of taking my virginity.”

Chris tilted his head to the side. “Less than a month? We did it after 5 weeks.”

“When I was already halfway through my first month of birth control,” I explained, moving my hand from his chest down to his abdomen. “Anyway, Cap might not we worthy of wielding Thor’s hammer, but he’s definitely worthy of hammering into me anytime he wishes.”

Chris choked on the food and started to laugh so loudly, I was sure he would take everyone up. “Holy, hell,” he choked out. “I want that on a shirt and I want you to wear it all the time.” That comment seemed to energize him a little bit, so I decided it was time. Also, I was super horny. I moved to sit on Chris’ thighs and removed my shirt to reveal a thin, white bra. “Oh, Cap’s gettin’ laid.”

I smirked and moved down to hover over his calves, so my head was right above his abdomen. “Let me suck you off, daddy.” I whispered, before lowering my lips to leave wet kisses on his lower stomach, my fingers toying with the strings at the waistband of his pants. It’s been a long time since I‘d gone down on Chris and I didn’t even have enough will power to make him wait. I pulled down his pants and boxers, revealing his half erect length. I looked deep into Chris’ eyes and felt my mouth start to water. I sat back for a second and tied my hair into a ponytail.

“Oh, it’s gonna be good.” Chris mumbled as he saw me do that. I smirked and sunk back down to attach my lips to the base of his cock and lick all the way up to the tip. I rested my hands on his hips and locked my lips around the tip, swirling my tongue around it, tasting his pre-cum. I released him and smiled at Chris who was watching me with his mouth open and eyes half-shut.

I wrapped my hand around him and sunk down to the base of his cock again, but this time moved lower to play with his balls. I’d suck on few spots and give it small licks, toying with his balls, as my hand was stroking up and down his shaft, tugging at it, its movements moisturized by the leaking pre-cum. I hear Chris’ light moans as my lips became more forceful in toying with his sensitive area. I moved away to take a breath and sank down to wrap my mouth around Chris’ throbbing cock. I hollowed my cheeks around him, reaching as far as I can go and covering the rest with my palm. Chris jerked his hips forward, making me take him even further. I moved my hands to fondle his balls, as my lips reached the base. I moaned as he hit the back of my throat and Chris immediately responded to the vibrations caused by it. “Fuck yes, babygirl,” He groaned and grabbed my ponytail and gently guided me to work my mouth up and down his shaft. “You’re so good to me.” he mumbled between heavy breaths.

I kept up the pace, feeling Chris’ dick twitch inside my mouth. My boyfriend was squirming a lot under me, as his orgasm approached. I sucked on the side of his shaft, moving up and down, along the visible veins. Seeing Chris throw his head back, I took his whole length into my mouth again, bobbing my head up and down and waiting for him to reach his orgasm. “Fuck, I’m going to come, baby,” he whined. “Stop, I don’t want to come yet.”

“I’ll get you hard again,” I breathed out, giving myself a very quick break to catch a breath. I sunk down again, trying to finish Chris off. He always lasts very long, but that’s really the opposite of a problem. As Chris groaned loudly, I felt him twitch inside my mouth as he released is load. I swallowed every last drop and licked his cock clean, looking him straight in his eyes.

Chris was panting heavily and shifted on his elbows. “Emily,” he sighed, barely able to say anything. “I could barely stop myself from proposing to you in the middle of a blowjob.”

He sat up leaning on the head board again. I smiled and straddled his thighs, gently tracing veins on his shaft, which was a bit softer now. “I know, I know,” I whispered. “I enjoyed that too.”

Chris moved his hands up and down my hips. He reached behind me to unhook my bra and pulled it off my chest. “Mm, yeah,” He placed his palms on my breasts and started to fondle them. “Come ‘ere.” he mumbled and pulled my chest against his face to attach his lips to my nipple. I gasped as he bit down lightly. I started to gently grind on his dick, rubbing my wet pussy against him. Without his mouth leaving my skin, he reached his hand to my butt and slapped it, before grabbing one cheek firmly. I put my hands on the back of his neck, supporting myself as I rubbed against his length, waiting for him to be hard again. “Babygirl, you’re so good to me.” He breathed on my wet nipple, giving me a tingly sensation. He grabbed both of my cheeks and started massaging them with the same pace I was rubbing against him.

I reached down with my hand and grabbed his semi-hard cock, guiding it against my entrance. I rubbed the tip against my folds, causing both of us to moan loudly. “We probably should be a little bit more quiet.” I breathed out.

“Fuck it, these losers should know you’re the best thing that even happened to me,” He mumbled as I sank down onto his cock. We kept the eye contact as I moved down until he was completely buried inside me. “We should stay like this all day.” Chris said quietly, taking a deep breath.

I started to move up and down, as he started thrusting up. I was already very turned on, after going down on Chris, so I was very close to my first orgasm. I was breathing heavily with my forehead against Chris’ and the know in my stomach tightened. “You feel so good inside me,.” I muttered. “Faster, daddy.”

I came for the first time, gripping Chris’ bicep tightly, trying not to wake up the whole house. It sped up my heart rate, I couldn’t stop letting out little moans, releasing tension from my body. Chris wrapped his arm around my waist to bring me closer to him and thrust faster into my pussy. His other hand was still roaming on my ass cheeks. I felt my walls tighten and a smirk appeared on Chris’ face. He was panting at the same rate as I was. “Since it’s my birthday,” he hummed against my lips. “can we try something new?”

A smile formed on my lips, because I knew what he was asking for. “I guess you weren’t joking about loving fucking girls in the butt.”

“I’m not gonna fuck you in the butt now,” He said, giving me a little, soft kiss on the lips. “I just wanna play a lil’.”

Chris brought his forefinger to my mouth. “Suck it, baby.” I wrapped my lips around his finger, twirling my tongue around it, using extra saliva. Chris slowed down the pace and I swayed my hips to the sides and around, trying to reach different spots. He moved his finger to my butthole, circling around it. I opened my mouth, experiencing something I never have. His finger started to enter my hole and it gave me a weird, but pleasurable sensation. He was very gentle and slow, trying not to cause me any pain.

“I’m so close,” I mumbled and connected our lips. I moved my tongue with his, twirling around it. I felt the knot again, everything in front of me became blurry and I couldn’t speak property. While Chris’ finger was fingering me, the other hand reached my clit to rub it and speed up my orgasm. I was barely able to control my muscles and not collapse onto Chris. I felt overstimulated and helpless.

“You like daddy fingering your tight little hole, huh?” Chris whispered. “Who’s doing that to you, huh?”

I wasn’t able to speak, because of the speed Chris was pounding into me at an incredibly fast speed. I came hard on his dick, as he removed his finger from my hole, stopped rubbing my clit and just brought my body tightly against his.

Chris came right after me, with a last, hard thrust, staying inside me and shooting his load into me. He turned us to lay on our sides, out bodies still intertwined. We were both panting heavily, unable to stabilize our breaths and heart rates. Chris took a few loose strands of hair from my wet forehead and tucked them behind my ear. He then kissed my nose.

“Let’s take a nap, princess,” he whispered. “You deserve it.”

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