#this is also the first time I’ve drawn the whole core four I think lol

[cactus-cactus-cactus]

Me and my emotional support riverdale season 3 ❤️

[chans-bad-girl]

Hey I was wondering if you could do a fic with channie about if you have a vagina with hair? cause, you know, it’s such a pain to shave/wax down there and it makes me insecure sometimes thinking boys won’t like it. thank you!

ahh I feel you on the part where it's a pain lol shaving is so annoying (in east asian culture I've actually picked up that they don't shave down there anyway so I think the real Chan or just most Korean celebrities wouldn't really bat an eyelash at it (?) lol)

PS: this kinda made me understand I'm not that good at hurt/comfort 😬 but enjoy

Closer

pairing: soft long distance bf! chris x afab yn

warnings: actually pretty soft ngl, creampie, penetrative sex, clitoral stimulation, a bunch of random touching, nipple play when you really hone in on the details, maybe one pet/nickname and also dirty talk but what is a smut fic without dirty talk?

chris' close friend hyunjin got married eight hours ago. he'd never met you, but as his best friend's plus one, you were treated like family: grand buffet packed with traditional korean dishes, unlimited champagne and wine, and the family-lounge away from all the third-cousins his parents invited for formality's sake.

hyunjin's 7-year-old niece caught the bridal bouquet, all stomaches were filled, and everybody sang their hearts out on the poor karaoke machine. in short: you had fun.

but after 4am, you arrive at the hotel, high-heeled shoes the first thing to come off, and you remove all the layers: hair pins, make up, dress, spanx.

chris takes off your necklace, fingers cold against your neck, and whispers, "haven't really had any one-on-one moments today, hm?"

you know where this is going but there’s a minor problem: you had to rush getting ready for the wedding because your flight was late, so you only shaved what the dress exposes.

you two haven’t seen each other in a month and during that time, between lectures and finals, you couldn’t have bothered less about your pubic hair. one less thing to do in the shower.

but now you regret it. because his leg presses between your hips from behind you, and his kisses have gotten wet.

“sorry, channie, but I haven’t shaved in…a bit. I can help you, and tomorrow I'll shave properly.”

“but I don’t care about that stuff, just want you close.”

"tomorrow, yea?" you sit on the bed and put your necklace on the nightstand.

he follows you like a lost puppy, keeping enough distance.

"I wouldn't judge you. especially not for something as small as that. hair is normal and I'm also not always shaved."

"I know...just wanna look good for you."

"alright selena gomez, can I love my girlfriend now?"

"what if I like it like that? a bit unruly?"

"yea?" you tilt your head and stare at his lips. maybe it really doesn't matter.

"yea. I like you in every single way." he trails a wet path of kisses down your neck, down to your collarbone. "and I also want to take you in every single way so if you won't let me love you I might have to kiss you until you're soaking and begging for me." now he comes closer, gaining confidence from the inquiry of your stare. maybe he should fuck that insecurity out of you.

"what if I want you to?"

"oh?" the smirk on his face only grows bigger when you shift to sit on his lap.

because he's right. you can trust him. you want and love each other and that's the only thing that matters right now.

"let me make you feel good, baby, huh?"

his forehead finds yours, and he swallows your little gasps and sighs that you respond to his touch with.

his hands trail up your thighs, then squeeze your waist. and when you tug at his shirt, he flips you onto your back.

"gosh, all night I couldn't wait. it's been way too long." he whispers in your ear, kisses your neck, tickles your cheeks with his curls.

slowly, he takes your shirt off. it tickles when cold air hits hair around your nipples, but chris is quick to replace that feeling with pleasure by twirling his tongue. and you wrap your legs around him.

it doesn't take long for the both of you to lie bare in front of each other, uncomfort long forgotten as the pulse between your legs allows no other thoughts than those of chris inside of you.

"please." your back archs as you close your eyes.

"please what, baby?" his lips brush against yours as he mumbles.

"please fuck me. now." you grab his girth and pump him a few times before aligning.

"so wet and demanding."

"already losing your mind, chan?"

"sight's too pretty." he winks with a smirk that turns into a drawn out hum when he enters your walls.

he's right. it's really been too long.

the second he starts thrusting, your hands are all over him: pressing on his back, sliding down his chest, massaging between his thighs.

he moves at a slow pace and fills you with only his tip, then with his whole shaft over and over.

and when he speeds up, he starts kissing you.

"you're gorgeous," he hushes against your lips. "don't shave just for me. if you want to, do it for yourself. but I shouldn't be the reason, yea?" his lips leave yours so he can look you in the eye at which a wave of warm tingles travels through your body.

the raised eyebrows and soft smile, his deep brown stare and the slow thrusts that have your bodies sticking in sweat: the man in your arms loves you and it's the best thing you've ever learned.

you don't give him an answer to his little question, but connect your lips instead, circling your hip in his rhythm. because you love him too with the same amount of care.

"besides, I think it's cute." chris trails a finger down your body - between your breasts down to your core - to circle it around your clit.

a moan escapes your lips and he drinks it right up.

but you don't last long with the double stimulation and the realization that you've built up way too much of this desire for the past months.

truth is, only he can make you feel this way.

"chan, I'm gonna cum." and even though he could already tell from your strong grip on his back and the loud moans, he finds it hard to control his own orgasm when you whimper out like that.

"then don't hold back. cum with me, y/n." his low whispers push you over the edge and the violent clenching of your core has you squeezing your eyes in bliss.

as a response to your spasms and whimpers, chris fills you with his cum as his whole shaft pushes into you.

but it isn't enough for him.

he hasn't seen you real fucked out since that one night out in that abandoned beach parking lot where he gave you seven orgasms four months ago, and right now he doesn't care who hears. he just wants to make you feel good. make up for the lost time.

"wanna find out just how good it can get?"

"yes, please."

[meta-shadowsong]

Some Thoughts on the Jedi/Jedi Doctrine

So, I’m sometimes hesitant to write meta about the this topic/set of topics, because I kind of feel like I have to make a huge disclaimer that the more critical of my points don’t mean I think that the Jedi were Really Evil/Wrong/what have you, because they weren’t. Like, there are clear Bad Guys in SW and the Jedi (overall/as an institution; obviously there are outliers like Krell running around) are not among them. Fortunately for me, Star Wars fandom is big and broad enough that it’s easier to curate my experience and avoid the Super Polarizing Debates than it has been in some other fandoms I’ve participated in, but the nature/relative Goodness of the Jedi Order is one of the ones that’s just...a fact of life in the PT-era/Clone Wars sections of the fandom that are my focus. And it’s basically Discourse��� bait.

(Which is not to say I don’t want discussion! If I didn’t, I wouldn’t be posting this in a public/semi-public forum, lol. Just that…IDK, there’s a difference between discussion and Discourse™, especially on topics like this.)

Anyway, all that aside, my stance can basically be summed up as: “The Jedi did far more good than harm and were, on the whole, well-intentioned people doing the best they could with the resources and information they had; however, I feel like there are some notable issues in their doctrine and practices which are worth discussing.” In other words, I generally lean more towards the Jedi Positive end of the spectrum – but, given the polarization in fandom on this particular topic, this occasionally makes me feel almost guilty when I make any kind of critical comment. Hence, massive disclaimers, to make up for that and attempt to be clear on where I’m coming from. But when my disclaimers start to feel almost as long as the actual essay I’m trying to write, that starts to take the fun out of it for me, hence my occasional hesitation.

That being said, for a variety of reasons, I decided to write up a few things that have been percolating in my head for a while, because why have a meta blog if I’m not going to use it, right? So, here we are.

This post is kind of a grab bag of three or four things, discussing both the Jedi themselves and how they’re sometimes portrayed, on varying levels of specificity. Being a grab bag, it’s not necessarily super coherent/a nice flowy essay, just some Thoughts. Oh, also, as a note – since, as far as I know, we lack a good canon catch-all, I use ‘Force adept’ as a general term for trained Force-users who may or may not be Jedi or Sith.

All right. Once again reiterating the massive disclaimer that I don’t think any of this makes the Jedi evil – here we go.

First, one of the things I have a problem with is more a perception/discussion thing than an in-universe thing – the idea that comes up sometimes in Jedi-positive discussions, that the Jedi path is The Right Way, or at least The Best Way to be an active Force adept without being Evil. Full stop. For all people, under all circumstances.

I think I’ve touched on this before, but my feelings on this particular issue really boil down to, “The Jedi aren’t wrong, but that doesn’t mean they have a monopoly on being right.” And I tend to come away from some Jedi-positive meta, even if I overall agree with the point the person in question is trying to make, with a bad taste in my mouth, feeling like it’s been framed as a One True Way type of thing. This is, admittedly, my problem, and not anyone else’s – which is why I’m discussing this in my own post, rather than derailing any of the ones I’ve seen that rubbed me in this particular wrong way. But it’s part of why I’m somewhat uncomfortable discussing my thoughts on Jedi practices and philosophy with anyone other than a select circle of fandom friends who I know for sure don’t skew that way. Even, as I said, when I lean more towards the Jedi-positive end of the spectrum.

Anyway, back on topic.

Practically speaking, there is a certain amount of truth to this idea by the time the PT rolls around, because of the relationship between the Order and the late Republic, and the overall sociopolitical setup of the main/focal portion of the galaxy. The Jedi have authority and reputation and presence in a way that other orders, if they’re out there, and/or independent Force adepts don’t. For example – off the top of my head, I believe the Guardians of the Whills, whether Force-adepts or not, whether Jedi-affiliated or not, seem to work in a pretty narrow geographic range; Dathomir (which, as I believe I’ve discussed previously, seems to be an entire planet/culture of people who are Force-sensitive to a perceptible degree, though not everyone necessarily reaches Jedi potential) also tends to mostly concern itself with its own affairs, apart from Mother Talzin and her ambitions. (There’s also the fact that they tend to read as/be grouped with Dark Side adepts, and I have some Thoughts on that/the Nightsisters as Dark Side adepts vs. Sith as Dark Side adepts as well, but that is a topic for a separate essay.)

But this isn’t about practicalities, it’s about philosophy/doctrine, and that’s where it starts getting sticky for me.

Okay. The Jedi basically have a core principle, and everything they do/believe comes from that – be more compassionate than you are selfish. And that’s great! That’s a good foundation for just about any philosophy/religion/culture. Quite a few IRL belief systems can be broken down to something similar, or even if it’s not a fundamental tenet, would still generally be considered a good/ideal way to live one’s life(1).

The problem is, when you break Jedi philosophy and doctrine down that far, it kind of loses a lot of its actual meaning? Which is to say, everything that makes it specifically Jedi philosophy – since, like I said, this is not an uncommon precept.

But the Order, like most belief systems, then takes the next step and says “okay, we’ve accepted this premise/goal, now here is our view on how to actually do that.” And at that point, when we start getting into the specifics, there are things that are not universal.

For example, considering the idea of avoiding attachment – not as it’s normally used in discussions about the Jedi, i.e., in the individual/interpersonal relationships sense, but in the broader/community sense.

The Jedi are more or less a closed community; while they do interact with the wider world when called upon, to provide aid, they’re pretty insular in their daily/personal lives outside of missions. And that is one way to achieve this core goal, to set the organization up as truly objective outsiders/advisors/judges/what have you.

But another would be to be fully integrated in a wider/outside community, either as individuals or as smaller groups/lineages, with connections to the overall Order that can be drawn on to share knowledge/resources/etc. as needed. Basically, trading outsider perspective for insider knowledge. Different ways of gaining the trust of the people you’re trying to help, with advantages and disadvantages to both. (For an IRL analogy, consider the way different orders of, say, Catholic monks and nuns operate, some more cloistered than others. Not a perfect comparison, necessarily, but something in the ballpark. Same goal, different approaches.)

My point here is not to imply or say that the Jedi path is a bad one, because it’s not. My point here is, as I said before, the idea that it’s the only correct path, or even the best path for all people (and/or Force adepts) in all circumstances, really sits wrong with me. Of course, this is all reflective my own personal beliefs, which tend to be pluralistic and avoid like the plague anything that claims to be the One True Way. Because that doesn’t even really hold up on Earth, which is a single planet with a single sentient species(2). If we expand that to an entire galaxy, with multiple species, it seems even shakier. And, yes, I know that Star Wars doesn’t actually do a whole lot with the idea of making alien species and their thought processes Different from humans beyond superficial details/attributes(3), but there’s still a point to be made here.

TL;DR: the galaxy, and, by extension, the Force, is far too big and complex for there to be only one right answer/path. Even building on the same baseline premise of “be more compassionate than you are selfish.”

Okay. Moving on to my next point, which is less about the way the Jedi are talked about and more about the Jedi themselves, and how they communicate with outsiders.

Short version: the Jedi are really, really bad at explaining who they are and how they think/operate to outsiders.

And, you know, I’m not saying they have to be good at it, or even necessarily that they should be. They don’t owe anyone those answers.

But it is something that can very much work against them, especially when they play a public role in galactic life. It’s easy for Palpatine to turn that on its head, especially when the Jedi don’t have the tools or the experience or the desire to play the propaganda game themselves. Again, not saying they should, just that they don’t, and there are downsides to it as well as advantages; and they’re up against someone whose primary wheelhouse is playing against exactly this kind of disadvantage.

That’s not the thing I want to focus on, actually, but it’s the most obvious thing so I felt like i should mention it. But that’s really more about the role of propaganda in the galaxy itself and other people, who are much smarter/more focused than I am and have put a lot of work into that topic have done it a lot better than I ever could.

But another way this comes into play is with their recruitment practices. For at least the past thousand years(4), the Jedi have only taken in infants/toddlers/very young children. Meaning, everyone that they do need to make understand Who They Are and How They Do grows up steeped in all of this, learning more or less by osmosis (because early-childhood neuroplasticity augmented by the Force) so there isn’t all that much need for overt explanations of How and Why the Jedi do things This Way, because it gets absorbed on a subconscious/instinctive level from the very beginning.

And, obviously this isn’t 100% successful – see, the Lost Twenty, not to mention any who left the Order as Padawans/before whatever marker makes them Count among the Twenty/as I’m pretty sure I’ve mentioned before, I’m pretty sure we only have actual identifying information about like 1% of the Jedi Order (~100 out of ~10,000), so any broad statements should be taken with a grain of salt.

But what I’m trying to get at here is that this practice has put the Order in a position where they’ve basically lost the skills and reference points needed to teach people who come to it late. Converts, in other words.

And then it becomes sort of a self-fulfilling prophecy/a cycle which continually reinforces itself – older students have difficulty adapting to the lifestyle/culture, but is that because they’re past a set point where they can’t learn it/adapt, or because the Order’s approach has left it with a weak point when it comes to helping them through that transition? Which then leads to older students having difficulty adapting, which leads to the Order not taking in older students unless they Have To because they can’t adapt, which leads to further adjustment/integration issues for the few they do take, and on and on.

This is especially the case when it comes to older kids from…let’s call them complicated backgrounds, which we see with both Anakin and Ventress.

(Again interjecting a disclaimer – this is in no way saying that Anakin was justified in what he did, or that the Jedi Order deserved it, or anything like that. I have a meta buried somewhere that uses an elaborate road-building metaphor which I should probably post at some point about the various factors that go into Anakin making all the wrong choices; jumping off from that metaphor, this is probably one of the ways the Palpatine got his paving materials, but that doesn’t make the Order responsible for either what Palpatine did with them, or Anakin’s choice to walk on the road Palpatine built for him.)

Anyway.

With Ventress, Ky Narec keeps her away from the Order as a whole, so she’s deprived of the community aspects of the culture – but also insulated from the can’t-fit-in problems she probably would’ve faced with her peers (because, even without the additional communication issues I’m talking about, this is a thing that happens when outsiders/newcomers attempt to join tight-knit communities, even if no one is being overtly/deliberately exclusive). Assuming he’d have even been allowed to keep her if he’d brought her back (which is not at all a guarantee; look at what it took for the Order to accept Anakin). …y’know, on that note, I really wish there was more about the two of them and their relationship/how he taught her/why he decided to handle her this way/etc. But I digress.

Of course, in the end, Narec’s choice ends up being a negative – when he dies, she has no one else to turn to. As far as I know, we don’t have any information on whether she attempted to reach out to the Order and explain herself/hope for acceptance there before running to Dooku, so there’s maybe an additional story there. Either way, we know where she ended up. And this issue of how to handle/communicate effectively with candidates who got locked out of the loop because of when and how they were identified probably played a significant role in her story. If only because it almost certainly informed Ky Narec’s choices.

With Anakin, of course, he’s raised within the Order, and gets the full impact of the community – both the positives and the negatives, being essentially an outsider. We don’t have a lot of canon about his first couple years there, but given everything we do know about his early childhood and the culture he was trying to join, I think there were major cracks in the foundation from the start, despite probably everyone involved trying their best to make things work.

The background radiation of Anakin’s childhood, whether he experienced this directly or not, was that he has to prove he’s worth keeping, or he’ll be thrown away. So, bearing in mind that a lot of this is conjecture, my guess is he spent the first couple of years really trying to measure up, and hiding where he was having problems, because he doesn’t want to seem like a bad investment. Fake it til you make it, essentially(5). Especially given the way his induction was botched – and I’m not saying that the Jedi should have automatically accepted him, but the back and forth on the issue and the way initially refusing him was handled (he really should not have been in the room for that conversation) didn’t help matters/reinforced this issue/made him hyper-aware of how hard it had been for him to even get here, let alone keep his place(6).

Meanwhile, on the Order’s end of things, once they did accept him, I believe they genuinely tried to help him adjust. But, again, they’re making this up as they go along, too; so I feel like those first couple years was a lot of not-quite-meeting in the middle. They get close enough that the deeper issues are masked, but they still just slightly fall short of one another. Which, at least at this point(7), is not really anyone’s fault, just a difficult situation because of the conflicting backgrounds and expectations of the various parties involved, that didn’t necessarily actually get resolved, so much as compensated for. But those foundational cracks still present, leading to a complete collapse later.

Again, this doesn’t excuse the particular way Anakin handled that collapse at all. Also, IMO, none of these issues are necessarily insurmountable – without Palpatine actively working towards the worst possible outcome, my guess is that things would’ve come to a head in a much less destructive manner, and maybe earlier, as well. Whether the resulting course-correction/repair would’ve kept Anakin in the Order or not…IDK. Could go either way. The point is, between Anakin’s particular background and the Jedi Order’s general lack of facility in dealing with older students/kids from complicated backgrounds/outsiders in general (and some active reinforcement from Palpatine), there’s a not-insignificant gap in understanding/communication/trust right from the start, and it’s never entirely healed.

Insert clever segue here, and we move on to my third point, about the Chosen One prophecy.

As a note, I come at this mostly from a fanfic writing perspective, rather than a literary analysis perspective. And in my fic, I don’t actually deal with the prophecy all that much. But when I do, I really like the reading that the Chosen One is intended to be a catalyst for change. To put the Jedi Order/galaxy as a whole in a position for the final defeat of the Sith, whether by defeating the SIth with their own hands or by sparking a shift in the way the Order interacts with the threat/the galaxy as a whole.

Basically, per my reading of the situation, the Order has, over the past thousand years, become a little bit ossified/stagnant(4) in terms of its doctrine and practices. They’re pretty inwardly focused on their traditions and This Is How To Jedi (as an group/institution; as in most practices/cultures, this varies from individual to individual, with some being extremely flexible in their application of doctrine and some much less so), with intervention in the outside world in specific crises as they arise. This approach is at least in part a result of the way things were restructured following the Ruusan reformations, because that is what the Order needed to be at that point in time. But then they just sort of got…stuck there. This is, again, not necessarily a mark against them/proof they’re Really Not The Good Guys or any BS like that. Like I mentioned before, they still do way more good than harm, and are genuinely well-intentioned on the whole. It’s just a Thing that tends to happen. Institutions – and the Order is an Institution, in this sense – are slow to change on their own, and tend to just become The Same Thing But More So. Especially when they’re put in a position where they don’t necessarily need to change, and attempting to do so might cause a fair amount of short-term, maybe even long-term, damage, which could be either internal or external.

But this tendency, and the particular way they’ve become The Same Thing But More So, has left the Jedi Order woefully unprepared and unequipped to deal with the particular threat that Palpatine, and the generations of Sith legwork he’s building on, present.

Which brings us to the Chosen One.

Who is, in this reading(8), essentially a wakeup call from the Force, that the shit is about to hit the fan.

But Anakin and his induction/relationship with the Order were mishandled, as previously discussed. Once again, I feel a need to disclaim – I am not in any way blaming the Order for what happened. Anakin may have a Destiny, but he’s also a sentient being with free will and he actively chose to fulfill said Destiny in the worst possible way.

What I am saying is that the response to this warning was maybe not as thorough/helpful as it could have been. Both on a small scale, when dealing with the individual beings directly involved, and on a large scale, in terms of the questions Anakin and all that he is (with or without the full weight/text of the Prophecy as a factor) could have raised about Order doctrine and practices, which might have put them in a slightly better position when Palpatine initiated his endgame. It may still have been too little, too late – or it may have been enough to significantly change the outcome.

And, to be fair, I think that the Order – or, at the very least, Master Yoda – realized this over the course of the Clone War. That the Order had become stagnant/too attached to Tradition/not as dynamic as it needed to be, I mean. And, if Anakin had made better choices or if circumstances had fallen out differently, I genuinely believe that the Order would have seen some significant change, to adapt to the galaxy as it had become, not the one it was at their last major shift a thousand years ago. Which they do anyway – granted, we don’t know much about how Luke was running things in canon, but in Legends, he took a slightly different approach to the core philosophy and the doctrine built on it, adapting what he’d been taught to the galaxy that he’d grown up in. But, again, that’s as a result of Anakin serving as a catalyst for change in the worst possible way because he made all the wrong choices.

…yeah, that last section, in particular, I’ve been sitting on for a long, long time, trying to figure out how to word it without sounding creepy and victim-blamey. As I keep stressing, none of this changes the enormity of Anakin’s choice, because he had other options and he chose this one. And while the Order could have handled things better in the lead up to that final crossroads, which might have put all of them in a better position when they got there, they didn’t make that choice for him any more than Palpatine did.

So…yeah. There it is. Some of my more critical thoughts about the Jedi Order of the PT/Late Republic era. Like I said. I’m not sure how coherent this is, it’s just…sort of a grab bag of thoughts.

To sum up: The Jedi were well-intentioned and did more good than harm; they were not wrong, but that doesn’t mean they have a monopoly on being right; there are some flaws in their approaches to certain issues such as communication, particularly with outsiders, and change, which in no way mean they caused or deserved what happened to them; however, in the full knowledge that I am looking at this from an outside perspective/with the benefit of 20/20 hindsight, there are better choices they could have made which might well have improved the situation.

(1)Disclaimer: it’s been at least ten years since I’ve done any serious comparative religions study, but this is broadly true to the best of my recollection.

(2)Debates about cetaceans, etc., aside.

(3)Which is actually one of the things I really liked about Alliances, and the way Timothy Zahn handles the Chiss in general – it’s a little closer to the CJ Cherryh style of sci-fi, where aliens may be similar to humans, but there are fundamental differences in the way they think and organize themselves; so the fact that Chiss Force adepts function very differently from Force adepts in the main part of the galaxy is pretty cool to me. Whether the two approaches could adapt and learn from each other in the long run is a fascinating question…

(4)Going by Legends canon here; current canon has yet to give me any deep backstory, so my approach to anything more than 100 years pre-TPM is ‘canon until proven otherwise,’ because there’s little to no historical context for things without that. And I feel like discussions on this topic are really hard to have/missing something significant without that historical context.

(5)I also think that this particular strategy – fake it til you make it, excel in specific areas which cover up the deep flaws in others/your foundation – is something that the Order is vulnerable to in general, even with children who did grow up in the culture. See, Barriss. …there’s probably a whole essay or three, talking about the ways Barriss and Anakin and Ventress and their stories parallel one another, but that is a topic for another day.

(6)Granted, he does get past this, at least to some extent, later (as we can see in the way he deals with his superiors in AOTC and ROTS; if nothing else, he’s identified how much wiggle room he has and is confident enough to go right up to the edge of what he can get away with, even risking going past it in certain contexts and on certain issues), but that doesn’t necessarily mean that this has actually been fixed, just that he’s found ways to get around it and function in his new environment.

(7)As sort of implied in the last footnote, there does more or less come a point where Anakin kind of stops trying with anyone other than a few close, trusted people – and, again, on the one hand this shows a remarkable success in rewriting some of the coping mechanisms he developed in childhood which are no longer helpful for him in his new life, in that he’s less focused on Being Worth Keeping apart from not wanting to disappoint, for example, Obi-Wan; but it also doesn’t necessarily address some of his root issues. And because of this gap in understanding, Anakin comes away with the impression, accurate or not, that he’s never really going to win the trust/approbation of his peers and superiors, which alienation Palpatine can prey on later. Again, none of this excuses the way Anakin eventually acts on that alienation. But it’s there.

(8)There’s another reading that I kind of like – though it leans a little harder into the Fate end of the scale rather than free will – which is that Anakin is at the nexus of both the Jedi Chosen One prophecy and the Sith’ari prophecy from Legends. I.e., some ancient Jedi and Sith did the same thing Ezra and Maul did, bashing a pair of holocrons together to seek some kind of Revelation, and came out with conflicting but not necessarily contradictory answers. But, again, that hits the Fate end of the scale a lot harder than I normally like, though the possibility of it is interesting to contemplate when I write stuff where ROTS happened as in canon (i.e., I referenced this idea in Sanctuary.)

[the-jennnster]

Novel Prep: Stars

I was tagged by @arynneva​!

First Look

1. Describe your novel in 1-2 sentences (elevator pitch)

A criminal and the mechanic she’s kidnapped start out on what seems to be a short adventure, but as they get to know each other, secrets are revealed and enemies are met, forcing them into a fight with their country in the balance.

2. How long do you plan for your novel to be? (Is it a novella, single book, book series, etc.)

This is (I hope) the first in a trilogy, with a couple stories expanding off of it because there are some side characters in here whom I think definitely deserve to have their stories told.

3. What is your novel’s aesthetic? 

Secrets admitted at midnight underneath the stars while avoiding all the shit of the world around you.

4. What other stories inspire your novel? 

@marielubooks​‘s Legend Trilogy was definitely a major inspiration. Cee, one of my main characters, is basically the Day/June lovechild lmao

ALSO HOW COOL IS IT THAT THERE’S GONNA BE A BOOK 4? AHHHH

5. Share 3+ images that give a feel for your novel 

(All of these images were stolen from Pinterest btw) 

6. Who is your protagonist? 

I have two!

Cee - A criminal who’s supposedly ruthless and cruel and has a dark past she hides from everything. 

Kyle - A mechanic who is working his ass off to support his family and isn’t used to doing things for himself

7. Who is their closest ally? 

Besides each other, Cee and Kyle rely a lot on the Specialists later on in the book. Among these Specialists, the most important people are: 

-Sixilia, a mischievous assassin whose past is dangerously intertwined with Cee’s

-Cat, a disgraced noble hardened by the struggles she’s gone through as both a trans woman and a mutate (my version of mutants lol)

-Blake, a hyperactive, happy-go-lucky disgraced soldier

-Hanna, a ex-gang member who’s lost everyone in her life, including her parents and girlfriend (who she was planning to marry)

8. Who is their enemy?

Daniela, a seventeen-year-old world-renowned genius, corrupted by an international organization hell-bent on destroying the American government.

9. What do they want more than anything?

Cee just wants to escape her past and be her own person, independent of the reputations she’s been forced to uphold in both the lives she’s led

Kyle just wants his family to be safe, to honor his mother’s memory, to let his sister live a life with choices, and to just be able to live.

10. Why can’t they have it?

Because Cee is burdened by the reputation of the infamous, cruel criminal she’s shaped herself out to be in her quest for respite and Kyle is struggling to work around the shitty governmental systems that make it difficult for a teenage boy to support his depressed, disabled father and toddler sister.

11. What do they wrongly believe about themselves?

Cee believes that she’s undeserving of love because of the things she’s gone through and the things she’s been forced to do in her life as a criminal and Kyle thinks his chance for a life outside of supporting his family is shot, seeing as he dropped out of school and has lost his chance at his own dreams.

12. Draw your protagonist! (Or share a description) 

Cee and Kyle were actually drawn by @hestray​, who I am very lucky to have! She’s my sounding board and listens to my ramble about this all the time!

Plot Points

13. What is the internal conflict?

The internal conflict revolves a lot about family, about what we owe to them and what we owe to ourselves. There’s also some classic morality about the value of life and death, and a sexuality crisis in there too for good measure.

14. What is the external conflict?

Daniela and her army, trying to dismantle the government, which would do the exact opposite of what she wants to do: put mutates on equal playing grounds with regular humans

15. What is the worst thing that could happen to your protagonist?

For Cee, if you told her that her brothers hated her, if you told her that her brothers had always hated her, if they told her they hated her... she’d be utterly wrecked she is utterly wrecked

Kyle would be a mess if somebody took his sister from him. Four years, he’s been fighting to keep her, to provide for her and give her a good life, giving up his own in the process. If she was taken from him, everything he’d done would be for nothing, and he’d be an absolute mess.

16. What secret will be revealed that changes the course of the story?

Cee’s real identity is a big one, because it’s a lot about her connections to Daniela and how big of a role she really plays in this whole “destroy the government” scheme.

17. Do you know how it ends?

Couple schemes, a few screaming matches, and a death that I hopes rocks people to their cores. I’d like to say I’ve got a decent idea, though things have changed.

Bits and Bobs

18. What is the theme?

I said this before for number 13, but it’s really about what we owe to our families and what we owe to ourselves. Cee and Kyle have very different approaches to their families, but both of them have made drastic decisions revolving around them. They each need to learn the balance between making decisions for their families and making decisions for themselves.

19. What is a reoccurring symbol?

The first one off the top of my head would be Cee’s hair, which in the beginning is long as a symbol to her freedom (because when she was young, it was kept short for practicality). At one point, she chops it off as a show that she’s given up that freedom and is back to working under someone’s thumb.

20. Where is the story set? (Share a description!)

The story is set in 2364, in a post-WWIII American Empire. The soldiers who fought in the war twenty years prior are traumatized and injured and their own children were genetically mutated thanks to the nuclear weaponry used during the fighting, causing them to grow up feared and discriminated against thanks to the deadly abilities that followed. 

21. Do you have any images or scenes in your mind already?

I have a ton of scenes in my mind and nearly a hundred pages written for just this iteration (which is the fourth so far). This isn’t even counting all the expansions I’ve scribbled down between drafts.

22. What excited you about this story?

I’m really excited to tell these characters’ stories, first and foremost! Each of them, the main characters and the Specialists, have a lot that they’ve gone through and a lot to tell the world about it.

It’s also a test of my abilities to write heavier topics. Cee in particular has gone through a lot of shit, so it’s new ground for me to be tackling some of this stuff, and I hope I do it justice and write it in a way that allows people to understand this kind of stuff.

23. Tell us about your usual writing method!

Usually writing for me starts with whatever idea’s in my head for the moment. If it’s a scene I’ve been bouncing around for a while, it might have a song on my playlist, which I’ll then play over and over and over until the scene’s written to my liking.

Props to anyone who actually read the whole post lmfao. It’s a lot of my own bullshit, but if you’re actually interested in my story and characters, I’m begging you to let me know! Always craving that validation

NOW FOR TAGS!

@thegirlfairytalesforgot​ is the only one I can think of at the moment, but if any of my lovely followers have a passion project they’re working on, feel free to do the challenge and tag me when you post it! I’m always looking to read other peoples’ ideas!

[reactingtosomething]

Reacting to Insecure: The Pilot

Lean Back and High Five Her and Say “GURL I KNOW!”

The Setup: Marchae has eagerly anticipated, seen, and adored the first season of HBO’s Insecure. Miri has been meaning to since it came out and now has finally seen the pilot. We really like positive peer pressure, apparently.

All four of us discussed the preceding web series Awkward Black Girl in a class at DePaul University.

As always, after the fact notes are in italics, gifs are not ours, and you can look forward to another reaction on Thursday! Up next: the 2011 rom-com Crazy, Stupid, Love.

MARCHAE: K! Let's go

How many episodes did you get to watch?

MIRI: Only the pilot, I’m afraid

😟

But I have left it queued up in another window because I might be in love with it

And may finish it by like Tuesday

MARCHAE: YAY

I am obsessed with it and took this as an opportunity to binge it for a second time

MIRI: That’s amazing

Ok, so general thoughts:

Issa Rae is just adorable

MARCHAE: God she is charming and it makes me ill!!!!! (In a good way)

MIRI: Like, her face is just great. She really sells the awkwardness and the asshole moments and you forgive her

I really liked that you can tell the some of the things she does are not condoned by the show

MARCHAE: Explain why don't you...

MIRI: Well, I think sometimes people want to play with bad behavior because it’s fun/interesting/dark/whatever but do so without having a clear opinion

So then it basically reads as the show endorsing whatever shitty behavior the characters have

Issa’s rap was mean. (It was amazing! but it was mean.) It was cruel to her friend and also kind of misogynistic

But it’s also shown to be kind of not ok

We’re not left wondering if that’s how Issa the character feels or how Issa Rae the creator feels. It’s clear

without being preachy/pedantic about it

I think sometimes wrtier/creator shows where the protagonist is a version of the creator have to be more aware of that line, and Insecure does it really well

MARCHAE: Yeah knowing the backstory of how hard she fought to maintain the original creative aesthetic of the show as it related to webseries I think makes that clear

MIRI: YES

MARCHAE: There were certain things she wasn't going to give up

MIRI: I also think it’s interesting how it has evolved from the web series. She’s at a different place in her life, so some of the elements have changed. (And not just the production value!!!) But the core of the show is still so there

MARCHAE: And she fought to keep. I don't think we are always supposed to "like" Issa but we are always supposed to "relate" to her so I can agree w you there for sure.  she has to keep a lot of the elements from before to make sure this show didn't turn into a "glossy" remnant of what it was originally intended to be

How do you feel about her and Mollys relationship?

MIRI: Yes! I love a show that trusts the character and the audience enough to let the character be a bit of a dick sometimes. We’re already on Issa’s side and they’ve got that beautiful last little scene to show us why we should put up with her dick moments to get to the good again

MARCHAE: I've been dying to talk to you about that but someone only watched the pilot *wags finger....then still loves you**

MIRI: hahahahahahah that’s fair and I accept it

I really like their relationship!

MARCHAE: I mean legit I was on her side the moment they said ISSA’S GOT A SHOW EVERYONE!!!

MIRI: I think it felt very lived in. They have some built up issues, but also a lot of built up love and trust

I also really liked the VO with Issa comparing herself and Molly earlier in the episode

I like the VO in general

It’s so bad when it’s done poorly, but when voice over is done well it works SO well

Especially with such an interior character as Issa

MARCHAE: We also get a lot from her rap sequences

(Which by the way are everything)

MIRI: 100% agreed

MARCHAE: And in that pilot when she's trying on the make up

MIRI: On both scores

Another really great sequence!

That’s interesting--some of the best moments are Issa by herself, or surrounded by people but only talking to/with herself in one way or another

MARCHAE: I feel like she as a writer knows how to really milk it

MIRI: Definitely

MARCHAE: But I have to say it I think it's also because she's a dynamic writer

MIRI: What do you mean by that?

MARCHAE: Sorry actor* who knows how to use her face and body to communicate as well

MIRI: Ahhhhhhhhh

Gotcha

Yes, she is doing so much in the performance

MARCHAE: I think the character is also incredibly nuanced and complicated

MIRI: btw, I was just on her imdb and I did not realize how much other acting she has done

And a ton of producing

MARCHAE: (And as an aside I am glad little girls will now grow up in a world where Issa is a household name)

Yeah she's had a dynamic career actually she wrote her first script I think in high school her... first feature

I think ABG is what gained her recognition

MIRI: Yeah, that sounds right

I’d love to talk about the differences in title and tone between Awkward Black Girl and Insecure

MARCHAE: YES

And I'm not sure I love the change

MIRI: Interesting. Why?

MARCHAE: I think they have very different connotations

MIRI: I do--or at least I like the tone change. I feel like Insecure (the tone of the show, not necessarily the title) has more understanding of WHY Issa is so awkward

She’s not just baseline awkward about everything. She’s very competent in a lot of ways! But she’s insecure and that shows itself as a lot of awkwardness

But I do like Awkward Black Girl better as a title

MARCHAE: I think especially as a black woman there is lots to be "insecure" about

MIRI: It’s so distinctive, and it very deliberately tells you that this is a story about a version of a black woman that you haven’t seen before on tv

(ABG, I mean)

MARCHAE: But there are far more daily scenarios in which s*** is just awkward for so many reasons

MIRI: Ohhhhh that’s interesting

MARCHAE: And for no good reason be it people's ignorance(like the legit definition)... be it just random things that happen like people touching your hair... invading your space.... the list goes on

MIRI: Yes, she’s insecure about plenty, but the amount of awkward situations the world creates way trumps the amount of weirdness she creates through her own insecurities?

(Not that insecurities aren’t often pushed onto people by the outside world)

MARCHAE: So they don't force you to be insecure which is a whollllleeeee separate conversation so much as that awkward start and stop that happens daily on life

MIRI: That makes a lot of sense

MARCHAE: Right so when it was ABG it was more about those awkward moments and that's fine and funny ok! But insecure and I want to be clear in my opinion takes a much more cerebral tone if you have lived through some of the themes she touches on through the season

MIRI: Right, I obviously have not seen the whole season to comment

Nor have I lived life as a black woman

So I’m going to defer to you on how much each title works thematically!

MARCHAE: (*Texting too fast .. my opinion is that I love the show... both shows)

MIRI: I’m sorry! I’m a youth who texts fast. Feel free to mock me

MARCHAE: LOL

I'm really trying to keep up also my thumbs get on the way

MIRI: Marchae is falsely convinced convinced that she has “man thumbs”

MIRI: I can’t buy a house because of all the avocado toast, I’m killing the diamond industry, etc, etc

KRIS: But also, fuck the diamond industry (although there was that one classical piece of music that De Beers, I want to say?, used in its commercials for awhile, and my 8th grade orchestra teacher brought it in, and I was annoyed when most of the class couldn’t get it, and a classmate rightly called me out for being a dick about it, and the teacher just kind of chuckled to herself, and where were we?)

Also I’m doing this on my laptop, which is way faster

Ok, back to the show--one thing I always loved about the web series and continue to love about the HBO show is that it is extremely relatable

And it does that not through staying super vague and broad, but by going really specific

MARCHAE: Ok keep going I want to know more more more

MIRI: Well I think anything I have to say will be a poor retelling of what the amazing Jessica King covered in our web series class

but if you try to keep a character vague and applicable to everyone, no one will ever really identify with them

But Issa is so specific and clearly drawn. She and I are very different, but the specifics help to create moments that are universal

MARCHAE: That's incredibly true but this show does it with ALL of them

And it's so good even Molly!

MIRI: Very true! It’s so easy to just talk about Issa, but it’s true across the board from what little I’ve seen

I’ve never had a class of students call me out about about my hair, but I’ve felt awkward as fuck talking to a large group of people, or realizing I was supposed to be in charge but didn’t feel like it

MARCHAE: Miri you have to finish because you've already touched on things that will come up later

MIRI: I promise I will!

And we’ve all had that friend who fits in across different groups and you kind of hate them a little bit because you feel like you barely fit anywhere

MARCHAE: Now see I legitimately HAVE BEEN ISSA

MIRI: But also you love them, obviously

MARCHAE: Yup

MIRI: Tell me more

MARCHAE: Well for one I work at a non profit for kids

They question everything about your life, clothing choices etc to the point you question your own life choice... simultaneously I've also been in that awkward position of having to tell people to stop telling black/brown children what they *need* to be doing or going

The hair thing is a constant struggle and I even had a boss call my locs "those things" and try to touch

So it's real

MIRI: THAT IS NOT OK

MARCHAE: I do appreciate that she allows for a bit of levity and you feel almost compelled to lean back and high five her and say "GURL I KNOW!"

MIRI: There is merit in using humor to address real and difficult shit

MARCHAE: I was typing something similar

But it also allows for dialogue

To be open about why things are

MIRI: Because the people who already know about it both need to see themselves and to not have to slog through the mud emotionally to do so

And it makes it easier for people who haven’t lived that kind of experience to be opening to hearing it

MARCHAE: It is a great primer

MIRI: Which is obviously not Issa Rae or anyone’s job, but can be the most effective

MARCHAE: THANK YOU!!!

It becomes emotionally taxing at times

there is also Molly who tackles the notion of the black woman never getting married

The more educated she is

The show really picks at a lot of the stereotypes and things women go through

But as you've said she manages to make it universal

And allows you to feel like you can ask questions or be empowered to learn about where we are

Sorry I feel like me and my thumbs have  highjacked your reaction

MIRI: Hahahahahah it’s both of our reaction!

Also it’s a half hour show that I have only seen the pilot of so far, so I can’t actually speak to a lot of what they’re clearly laying the groundwork for

yet

But I will!

I’m looking forward to seeing how much through line there is here

It doesn’t feel like a classic sitcom where it’ll just be the story of the week every week

But I don’t know if that means it’ll be very serialized or not

MARCHAE: It definitely has a serial element

And definitely builds

MIRI: oh good

MARCHAE: Yeah

MIRI: Also just in terms of production values I’m looking forward to seeing more of it--I’ve seen some gifs and it’s a beautiful looking show

MARCHAE: MIRI

MIRI: WHAT

MARCHAE: It is so pretty to watch and the cool things they do with lighting to juxtapose Issa and Molly

I freaking gasp

(Internally)

KRIS: This is a pretty long lighting digression, and it’s only loosely connected to this particular point about Insecure, but I think it’s pretty important. From an interview with John Cho:

"There's an eye, and it's not a malicious eye, which is a way that the people working the camera and behind the scenes view [Asian actors]. And then they process it and they put it on film. And it's not quite human. Whereas Asian films, they are considered fully human. Fully heroic, fully comic, fully lovely, fully sad, whatever it is. And it's this combination of lighting, makeup, and costume.

"If you don't think of a person as fully human, you sort of stop short and go, That’s good enough. Do you remember Doug Liman’s film Go? I remember Taye Diggs in that movie, and he was charcoal black. I was surprised to see him in How Stella Got Her Groove Back — I realized that Go was not an accurate representation of his skin tone whatsoever. And I've met him. He was carelessly lit. Why is that? Why is one carelessly lit? The white people were carefully lit."

MIRI: Yay! Looking forward to it

MARCHAE: I mean you see it in the pilot too though

Mollys job is bright and shiny

MIRI: Right, I mean looking forward to continuing to see more of it

MARCHAE: Issa's home is really dark

MIRI: Yes! Issa’s job is very industrial lighting

MARCHAE: (Oh my bad)

MIRI: (No, I wasn’t clear!)

MARCHAE: Then the classroom even has a very different kind of gritty aesthetic

I also want to pay a nod to the way Issa chooses to express herself through the hip hop lens

And you mentioned it briefly earlier in a different context

I honestly think it is empowering to see her rap -and even though mean- "broken pussy" in many ways is kind of the inciting incident for the rest of the series

MIRI: Oh, totally! From what I can tell from the pilot it’s both a moment of empowerment--I can do this! I can be amazing at this!--and a reminder that living for yourself doesn’t mean stepping on others to do so

So there’s a lot of journey set up there

Also she’s just a really good rapper and I look forward to getting to hear her do more

MARCHAE: RIGHT

I mean I rap at myself but she's like good ... I am not

MIRI: (btw if you really want the people to understand the ways in which you ARE Issa, we should include video of you rapping to Hamilton)

Wait you rap like you make up your own raps?

HOW HAVE I NOT EXPERIENCED THIS???

MARCHAE: I do and I do not write them down

It's not a thing

MIRI: It clearly is a thing

MARCHAE: I mean not really and it's usually just like chants

MIRI: A thing that has been hidden from me for three years

I’m very excited about this

MARCHAE: So on that way I am like Issa like words that rhyme come out of my mouth

MIRI: What is the tone/subject matter of your rap?

MARCHAE: See it's not rap

It's like empowerment chants

MIRI: Cool! That sounds very affirmational, which we could all use

MARCHAE: Like: you got this get it, get it ...they caint mess wit it...wit it

See that's different than a rap

LOL

MIRI: I mean it’s on the way to being rap

MARCHAE: NOooooo

I would never do it in public

Or in front of others and Hamilton is like rap-lite

I mean we all rap to Hamilton

MIRI: It’s the one thing that can unite everyone

KRIS: ...We’re going to have a Hamilton-related Reaction at some point, aren’t we

MIRI: Obviously

MARCHAE: Also true!

I really can't wait for you to watch the rest of the show

I'd love to dig deeper with you about the Molly/Issa dynamic as it evolves in terms of how women relate

MIRI: Ok, well we will just have to do another once I’ve finished the season

And when does season two drop? I know they’re already filming

MARCHAE: What other reactions did you have to the pilot (also I feel like KM does a way better job of asking good questions)

I thinkkkk July

MIRI: My immediate reaction was “That’s SO far away!” and then I realized it is not and omg we’re already nearly halfway through the year

MARCHAE: HA!!

You can watch the pilot of Insecure for free on Issa Rae’s YouTube channel

MIRI: Ok, other pilot reactions:

I am always a sucker for junk food/good food as shorthand for women bonding and being themselves

I know it’s done a lot, but it’s still so rare to see women actually eat on tv that it gets me every time

MARCHAE: Oh yeah I forgot about that!  

And it's not a carrot stick or single cheese cube

MIRI: No! Fake cheese powder or bust

MARCHAE: HA

MIRI: (Seriously, though I love every example of this kind of thing--Supergirl, Agent Carter, One Day at a Time)

I didn’t have much interested in the boyfriend that she sort of dumps, but I don’t really think I was supposed to

MARCHAE: (It also reminds me of family and home like you eat with those people you're living with related to comfortably and unapologetically)

MIRI KEEP WATCHING

MIRI: WAIT DOES HE COME BACK AND HAVE REAL STORY?

MARCHAE: you will develop interest I'm trying hard not to spoil

GIRL you have no clue

MIRI: You are definitely spoiling that things happen, if not how or what exactly happens

But I’m ok with it

MARCHAE: (Also I may include a few books to read with this post)

MIRI: You can add all the links you want

Or tell me and I’ll add them

MARCHAE: Oh shoot I really don't need to be doing this LOL

I don't love her guy I will say that and not because he does anything I think more or less I want to know what they were like before and I'm afraid I'll never know that

Because good writers start the storylines where the action starts

And I'm also the only person who always wants to tell the story of how we got here

MIRI: I think there can be merit in both 

Depending on the story

And how we got here is a different sequence of action, but it can be action nonetheless

MARCHAE: True but here I know in my heart it's less important (right now this season)

Season 1*

MIRI: Anyway, I think that’s what I have to say for the pilot. I’m really looking forward to seeing more and being able to talk about the season arcs next time!!!

For now, it’s a really fun, very watchable show. You can get a lot from it without it feeling heavy to watch or anything like that. Issa is a super likable character who is clearly going to make some bad choices and some good ones and I am super excited to watch that play out

MARCHAE: Same!!! This has been fun and we WILL check back in!!!

MIRI: Woo!

Marchae’s Recommended Reading

The Misadventures of Awkward Black Girl - Issa Rae (Atria, 2016)

How to Be Black - Baratunde Thurston (Harper, 2012) *The audio version is preferred

For more a cerebral understanding of some of the thematic references in the show:

Is Marriage for White People?: How The African American Marriage Decline Affects Everyone - Ralph Richard Banks (Plume, 2011)

Disintegration: The Splintering of Black America - Eugene Robinson, (Doubleday, 2010)

[survivornavarino]

Rites of Passage

It is time for the Rites of Passage. Take this time to reflect on your journey in this game as well as the people who left for you four to be where you are now. Please play the audio and enjoy your experience.

Heather

You weren't active much in the beginning love   sorry. Love your memes tho

Julia

I never got to meet you, but i'm sorry you got first boot. Who knows, maybe we could have been iconic together?

Shoib

I felt bad about voting you until I found out you voted me :(

Trixie

Heather

Ummm you quit the game. No one knows why. So um... sorry

Julia

I'm gonna keep it real with your ass. I don't like you, I ACTUALLY hate you. And I still did hex your ass. AND the poliece still haven't contacted me so, i'm waiting. (:

Shoib

You were a close ally of mine and then I went to sleep and woke up to find out that you had walked :x. After finding out you leaked some of what I said to Jake I am glad you walked so he was easier to take out.

Trixie

Heather

KING I LOVE YOU. You were so robbed because of all the snakes. But I loved being an outside voter with you and thank you so much for helping me and taking the bullet for me. I will always stan you. 

Julia

I never met you rip. Sorry you were booted so early, but you should totally play again, things can change!

Shoib

RIP Honestly you were the best social player on our tribe and Tyler was kinda dumb for playing so hard to get you out but it worked out in the end for me cause I liked Trixie and didn't want to have to vote her out.

Trixie

Heather

I thought you were so sweet, but you lied to me. I was a little bitter while at exile so I was glad to see you leave. You were really sweet tho and I would love to talk to you outside the game.

Julia

So I remember meeting you on swap. You were such a sweetheart and it was kinda sad voting you out. I hope maybe we can talk again in the future girl! You were fun to talk to though fr.

Shoib

You getting voted out was probs the hardest since you were my closest ally and someone I trusted 100%, it sucked that you were put on a tribe with majority faves and they ended up murdering you all but don't worry, I got my vengeance :). I also miss sending you animal gifs everyday.

Trixie

Heather

My queen   as much as I didn't want to vote you out, it had to happen. You were my only fan ally left after the Tim bote out and leaked the whole Heather vote to me. You saved me love and I am sorry I couldn't do the same to you

Julia

Okay so I felt SO BAD about your vote. You were DEFINATELY the nicest person in the game. Whenever you complimented me, I felt so good about myself. Also, you are highkey gorgeous! I hope we can talk more when the season ends because I loved your company!

Shoib

You were also robbed and I loved talking to you about snakes and you owning one was pretty dope, you also fell victim to the faves which sucks.

Trixie

Heather

I never got to play with you, WHICH I WANTED TO SEE YOU AGAIN. How dare you be done dirty.

Julia

We never really got to talk with eachother so I don't really have much to say. I hope all is gucci!

Shoib

We did't talk much but you seemed like a down to earth person and your vote out was just due to no one really talking to you much

Trixie

Heather

My fav snake who sucks at lying hehehe. The one who tried targeting me round 3 after making an alliance and accidentally writing it in the chat. Other than you being #messy, I did really like you  but never got to working together. I can see us becoming really good friends after this is over  

Julia

Hi Tyler! So, first of all SORRY about that blindside. I just heard alot of things going on in that round, so I thought it was the best for me in that moment. But aside from that you were super fun. I remember showing you my HORRIBLE burger confessional, and my knife confessionals. You honestly were such a fun guy. I hope you play again and get a second chance because I think you deserve it 100% b.

Shoib

You are a great personality to have in games but in this game I feel like you just played way too hard and that lead to your downfall.

Trixie

Heather

I never got to play with you either, but I heard good things and that you were done dirty as well.

Julia

DREW OMG. First of all I love you and I think you know that. But i'm such a Drew fan 100%. I was seriously hoping to like F2 with you because I love you soooooo much. I was deadass furious you got voted out. I was like "ummmm are u kiddin me?" But I used your dead soul in the game as a sacrifice so I could do well. I'm very pleased to find out that your a great person to use as a sacrifice because it has worked so far. So PERSONALLY, I believe that you are in f4 with me at this very moment. And that is because I used you as a sacrifice once you died! You are the living ledgend of navarino i hope i made u proud b.

Shoib

ROBBED, RIP a King, I have taken out everyone who had a hand in your vote out (I think)

Trixie

Heather

It was either me and you, but when I talked about teaming up and getting Jake out, I was honest about it and wanted to work with you. However plans fell through so I had to save myself. We voted together a bit before merge, but merge killed that chance which sucks.

Julia

Hey Ben! So hi!!! I haven't talked to you in ages. I honestly don't remember what even happened on your vote because I had a rough spot I was going thru during your round. But aside from that can we just talk about how you were robbed. I have no clue what you ever did to deserve this treatment. I know you are probably the queen of ponderosa atm though. But I wanna say, you are hilarious. Your lipsynchs. Bitch. I. Am. Still. Shook. To. The. Core. You deserve better and i'm so sorry u were done dirty like tht.

Shoib

Yeah we talked like once lmfaoo, I am suprised you didn't approach me during your vote out since you must have heard your name was going around but didn't talk to me about voting Heather, maybe it was cause you didn't expect anyone to flip. From what I heard Autumn and Eddie changed their votes last minute so RIP you. Also you in the Lana Del Ray lip sync was iconic ngl.

Trixie

Heather

Your vote out was so last minute and I felt super bad doing it to you. We would have worked well together but I thought you had the merge idol

Julia

HI!!! So i've honestly missed talking to you. I remember in the beginning of this game, we got super close. And I know alot of fingers are pointed at me for your vote, which I won't deny I was apart of. But I wanna say I still love you as a person. We just kinda drifted in the end because everything with you got so busy. I hope we can talk together soon because I really love ya, and who knows I can do a few spells 4 you too!

Shoib

Just like with Ben, me and you talked once which sucks cause you seemed like someone I'd get along with but we were on opposite sides and your vote out was like a last second decision. Also everyone thought you had the merge idol lmfaooo

Trixie

Heather

You were SO ROBBED MY LOVE. MY DRINKING BUDDY UGH. I really wanted to work with you for a few more votes, but you wouldn't tell me what anyone was doing so I had to stick with what I knew was happening. I was really hoping it wasn't you to get rocked out because I felt we could mend things, but sadly it was you to go.

Julia

Hey b, soooo in this game I felt super close to you. I remember in the beginning I was drawn to you because I just liked your personality. And during swap I thought we got even closer. Like that TYLER VOTE OMFG. I wasn't having it when he wanted you gone! And we both got him to steppin! And than when we were both at eachothers throats when Matt got voted out. Honestly we were both pretty wild togehter. ALSO not to mention, but being rocked out is an iconic way of leaving. I've always wanted to be rocked out so i'm jealous.

Shoib

I was never mad at you for voting me Mo, I had to act upset so you would keep me and I felt bad guilt tripping you but I had to everything in my power to get the vote off of me, it was nice to talk to you again after Italy and the incident we don't talk about. It sucked cause you claimed how you were gonna get rocked out and I was like "you don't know that" and then it happened dsogbsoigb.

Trixie

Heather

This game I wanted to be so loyal to you, and I was up until my name was thrown out, which I was sad to hear it was thrown out by you. I love and respect you so much as a person and really wanted to remain loyal to you this game, but that didn't end up happening.

Julia

Hi Rebecka! First of all, I apologize for leaving you alone in a jury of MEN. I know you probably handled it well bc ur a badass bitch. But i've loved you since crossroads. I think we can click really well together, and we are both very strong independant women. Also, I love libras :) . Aside from that, I love how you controlled that entire swap with me. You were truly a boss during it and I was absolutley living for it. People wont understand now, but they will soon. I hope you are doing well, and maybe in the reunion we can whip out some astrology together!

Shoib

Ah my secret final 2. Ok we lied to each other a lot lmfao, we were just on opposite sides of the game all game so there was never really a chance for us to work together and also I still think you getting that one vote at tribal is one of the best moments of the season cause it was just so random lol.

Trixie

Heather

I have so much love and respect for you as a person. We always seemed to want to work together, but end up on opposing sides. We need more fire emblem talks once this game is over.

Julia

Hey Mitch!! So hi, I love you. You def tie with Vi as nicest person in the game. I knew when it came to you, there would only be positvity and 0 drama. ALSO I LOVE BIRDSONG. Anyways, I knew you were def a strong player. You were kinda getting it in the beginning, flipping sides on the downlow but still making everyone love you. You deserve plenty of credit in my opinion. I'm really sorry your vote ended in a blindside for you, but I just knew it wouldn't work out in my favor to keep you. I hope you are doing good b!

Shoib

I am so sorry for lying to you so badly before tribal cause I knew you were panicking and I made it worse however, I was also nervous since my name was going around and I tried to do everything in my power to get the vote off of me and telling you to vote Eddie was the easiest way for me to do that. I didn't want to vote you or Autumn but the chances of us actually making final 3 was impossible.

Trixie

Heather

When you saved me, I was so grateful and had my vote written down and sent in to the hosts the next round because I wanted to show how grateful I was for those who voted to keep me. However things changed last minute, and I wanted to let you know, but I wasn't sure if it would be to late or not. Then when you and Julia got into the huge disagreement after I was sure you hated me after the vote as well. I flipped to you during your vote out because I did still have faith in us working together after that vote.

Julia

So you may/may not think I have beef with you. I wanna settle that, and let you know that I do not <3 . I personally love your personality, and I loved talking to you. Though we did have petty drama, on my part it was stratgey/game related. I also LOVED it when you dragged me saying "Let the two brain cells survive" ICONIC! I even made it my mood message. I think that you and I made this season pop off/lit. Like WE WERE the drama, WE WERE the entertainment. Hopefully there is no beef on your side, and I hope maybe we can get on a call and I can teach you some fun witch stuff!

Shoib

Ok your vote out musta been so frustrating, I mean first you had Jake lying to you, it was an instant and then the person you least expected to vote you, voted for you and the people you least expected to vote with you, voted with you. It was next level fuckery. I want to apologise if you felt like I talked to you like you were my "dog" or "slave" because that's not how I meant to come across at all, I am not saying that for your jury vote if I make the end I just don't want to make people feel like I talk to them like shit unless they deserve it lmfao. My ego is just an act cause it makes the game more fun for me and gives me freedom, it also is like a strategy to make people not target me so they're like "oh keep him around no one will vote for him in the end".

Trixie

Heather

The amount of times I wanted to get you out after merge, but each of those time actually working with you was hella fun. I flipped on you during the live hands up round because you were playing such a great game and I would have wanted you gone later anyway. You were just too good and I respected your gameplay so much.

Julia

Ugh disgusting! Jake the flippin skank snake! JK! (im jking only a little). I love you, and I think this is well established. Even though u SNAKED me on a few occasions, we were able to sort that shit thru!! I'm glad we got to play another game together and actually be real with eachother. Ily u brat and I hope u survived jury bc idk if u did.

Shoib

Ah Jake where do I begin, you know I love you and after finally playing a full on game with you I realise why you are so good at them, you are incredibly smart and social and you understand why you had to leave. The only thing stopping you from winning was a bitter af jury (which they may be, idk). I wanted to be honest with you when voting you out so I was and I was a dick about my idol cause I just wanted it to be an entertaining tribal lol. Sorry for flipping on you at the instant but you know me, it's in my nature to flip.

Trixie

Heather

Queen of all Queens. The last remaining of "the other side" Us actually working together was my favorite part if this entire game. We would usually discuss little bits of the vote and then go our own way, but then when it came down to it vote against the each other with our "sides" We did have success with the Jake vote. I knew getting you to ftc would be a shoe in for you to win, but I have so much respect for you and will prob stan you in every game I see you in.

Julia

So truly, I do apologize for being fake the entire season to you. It was sad to do, but it was strategic at the same time. I remember I did wanna work SO BADLY with you but it never worked out. I blame jake 100% for this (no shade). But it's truly upsetting we were put in a position to be after eachother after becoming friends in the crossroads reunion. I think you are very strong. It's hard to be on the bottom the entire game. And from personal experiance, I have never been able to hold underdog position as long as you did this game. I want you to know that when I voted you, it was only because I was intimidated by you. You in my opinion were a threat to win. I'm really happy you made it as far as you did, and I do believe you did deserve to make it further. It was just too risky to have you stay any longer. I hope that this game dosen't ruin our friendship from before because I really do like you. You are a femenist icon i could only wish to become.

Shoib

Ok how tf did we both make final 5? Like whettttttttttt? We were the most dysfunctional duo in the game and kept lying to each other yet in the end we still kinda trusted each other which is weird, you are a great person and fun to talk to and I knew at final 5 it was me or you since we were considered the biggest threats. You played HARD and you know I thought of you as a threat, I didn't make it a secret lmao, me and you were responsible for the most iconic tribals, the first one when we got people to go to rocks for us and then the second one where I flipped and voted Jake and you flipped and voted Eddie lmfao. What a ride honestly, I wouldn't have had as much fun without you we were kinda rivals but like not rivals idk our relationship in this game is fucking weird but I still love you. TRUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Trixie