#this is a thing that only developed for him post soi - he needed enough self confidence to let himself feel mad! | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

axemetaphor · 3 years ago

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im definitely not ripping off my friend by making a list of au ideas i have no siree //gonna slap this under a readmore cause i. well i say a lot. all of the time. i tried so hard to format this Good but tumblr fucked me up i am so sorry

so first-off i know i already have one WIP AU (Auckland) on ao3 so i wont talk about That one cause like. spoilers. i actualyl have it like 80% created so its likely gonna truly get finished for once and i dont wanna ruin shit

the other one ive posted about is something me and ben (catgirlrepublic) have worked on together its not at all close to done or anything but it's. a fun little crossover. Between jdate and my fuckinuhm. Original characters story “Untitled Villains Project”. the sketches of the comic version ive started is actually my pinned post 👉👈 its like the first chunk of the story, i think half of part 1? yea.

Tldr john fucking Somehow is able t oget into contact with a certain curious scientist from another reality who’d just love to study the Soy Sauce, most certainly not for her own nefarious purposes

John and Dave meet up with the scientist, her name is Boss, and her lab assistant, Toxic, and after a bit of a preliminary Vibe Check where john determines her trustworthy (which Dave doesnt agree with,) the two agree to be taken to the world UVP is set in. from there they stay in Boss’s lab (big old fucking abandoned military lab). John and Toxic are fast friends due to mutual love-of-chaos. John n Dave get to fuckin, camp out on an air mattress.

The day after they arrive, the two get split up, not exactly intentionally; big plot points of UVP are liek. Fueled by Boss sending Toxic to go fetch her “research materials,” which are usually important artifacts

Fuckin side note i guess i have to explain my dumb bullshit: Boss’s, uh, field of expertise so to speak is actually fckin, basically the scientific study of magic and superpowers n shit like that. This shit’s all real in that world. Toxic’s got fuckin superpowers, so do 4 other main characters, whatever. It’s got a bit to do with spirituality, iss Boss’s hypothesis. So she has Toxic fetch important artifacts that might have “energies” to them. The thing is actually way more fuckin complictated than that, this is just Boss’s initial hypothesis.

Motherfucking anyways. So Boss gives Toxic a job to do, and John get excited about how Cool that sounds, and ends up going with Toxic, leaving Boss and Dave alone. Neither is thrilled about this. But Dave and Boss get to have a bit of conversation (while Toxic and John are off bonding and having a good time) and come to a… mutual grudging understanding of some kind. They still dont like each other though lmao

Theres gonna be deeper shit going on but we havent sorted it out yet/tbh havent like Written For It in a while but i still like thinking about it a lot lol

Also pretty sure our endgame is john and dave steal toxic and bring them back with em lmao boss is kind of not nice and toxic would most certainly be better off in Undisclosed. Actually theyd fucking love it. Theyd become a local cryptid im sure. Undisclosed’s mothman is a teleporting spike baby.

I have. Another crossover AU that i might. Post something about for halloween? Maybe? If i have it finished?

Crosses over into, you guessed it, another one of my original-character projects. God, am i vain or something?

I promise this is just because i think blue and dave should get to team up to beat up some monsters

Quick briefing on my fuckinuh. Original character story, this one doesnt have a name (yet? Idk lol my work never actually goes anywhere sso who gives a shit). It centers around two grim reapers, Red (26, bi woman) and Blue (22, aroace agender asshole). In this reality or whatever, grim reapers function kind of like low-level office workers. They get told who’s going to die + when by some middle-management types, and upper management only involve themselves when punishment needs to be doled out. These Higher-Ups can be seen as analogous to Korrok; they’re decidedly not human, never were, and fucking terrifyingly powerful. Additionally, grim reapers are sort of .. designed to be “background noise” people. In reality theyre supernatural beings and, uh, look Real Fuckin Weird (the whole deal has a neon aesthetic im terrible at drawing uwu) but most humans just perceive them like extras in a movie. A body’s there but the camera’s not focused on it.

To the narrative: the shit starts when Red n Blue get relocated to Undisclosed. Relocation is something that just happens every now and then to reapers; they usually work in teams, but they get split up into different cities to avoid any strong bonds forming (a counter-union strategy from the Higher-Ups).

Red, Blue, John and Dave end up running into each other for the first time in a McDonalds where John n Dave are getting some 4am “hey, we just survived another horrific monster fight” celebration burgers. John and Dave are the only two people who can see how… strange Red and Blue are. Nobody else notices.

John unintentionally pisses Blue off, leading to Blue whacking him upside the head with a dildo bat. They all four get kicked out of McDonald’s. Dave and Red both are less than thrilled

Blue and John end up resolving their differences, somehow. Red and Dave briefly bond over their dumbass best friends being, well, dumbasses. They all part ways amicably.

somehow-or-other (idk yet) they end up running into each other a few more times, and eventually john invites them over to his place, and the four (plus Amy now!) get to know each other a little better

while there, Blue gets a text about some guy who's gonna die and John offers to drive them to where that's gonna go down. they take him up on the offer and get to have a bit of one-on-one conversation

after that ordeal though Blue has had Enough of people and bails, leaving John to head home alone

theres a sort of mirror-development going on with the five of em. Red, John, and Amy would all like everyone to get along, though theyre a bit tentative about it (John moreso than the other two, actually, jsut cause. well Red n Blue could still be Sauce Monsters). Dave and Blue on the other hand do Not like people enough for this shit, and Dave's not unconvinced theyre Sauce Monsters. he will not trust them until proven he should

the story's kinda nebulous but i got an idea for some Shit going down that involves both Sauce Monsters and also the Higher-Ups to have some fuckin absolute chaos go down.

Oops! All Trans

Everybody is transgender. Everyone

Ive actually workshopped this one both with ben (catgirlrepublic) and ghost (ghost-wannabe) lmao its a fun lil concept ive had from the get-go cause i mean. What’s an internet tran gonna do other than hit all their favourite media with the Everyone’s Trans beam

Dave transitioned post-high school and faked his death for it. People go missing in Undisclosed all the damned time, after all. He moved to the next city over, transitioned fully, then came back as a completely new man. Yes i know this doesnt exactly fit with the “everyone knows David from high school” thing alright, hush.

Anytime anyone brings up John’s old best friend (pre-transition Dave) John throws an entire fit like an overdramatic grieving widow. Full-on sobbing “why would you bring her up?! I miss her so much—” to the point that people just stop bringing up because Jesus Christ That Sure Is Uncomfortable KJHGFDS.

This is a scheme he and Dave came up with prior to Dave leaving, though Dave hadnt exactly anticipated John putting on this much of a performance about it— but it’s stopped Dave from ever having tto hear his deadname again, so hey.

Amy transitioned sometime in middle school/early high school. Her family was super supportive and loved her a ton and most people just know her as Amy. she was super shy her whole life really so. Yeah. people just dont think to bring it up lmao also i Feel Like big jim would absolutely wallop anyone who gave her trouble of any kind

John’s nonbinary (genderfluid specifically) and not exactly Interested in transitioning ? like hes fine with how he is. mostly.

he came out to Dave in high school but hes not out to anyone else exactly. Maybe his bandmates. Probably any other trans person in Undisclosed knows, too, cause theyre safe to tell lmao. Johns mostly a “he/him out of convenience” kinda nb who’s cool with any pronouns but does prefer they/them most. Dave and Amy use they/them when the trio are alone

Also this is a totally self-indulgent caveat that i think would be great, Dave’s actually agender but because he's transmasc and transitioned when he thought there were really only two options, and being Boy at least felt less weird than being Girl, he just kind of assumed he was a dude. It’s only through a lot of (like fucking years and years hes probably in his 30s/40s when he puts 2 and 2 together on this one) talks about gender with John that he realizes he actually feels like No Gender. Masc aesthetic with none gender.

I Just Think It’d Be Neat Is All Okay

Also Amy came out to Dave about being trans early on in them seeing each other and his response was to get very nervous before blurting out “me too” and then just being too embarrassed to talk about it for the rest of the day. Hes got a lot of hangups on talking about it actually it takes years for him to get comfortable in that

by contrast when Amy comes out to John about it his response is to yell “EYYY ME TOO” and give her a big ol hug lmao

I think itd be neatt if Amy ran a like. Transfem help/advice blog on tumblr. Kind of helped-with by John who can give her transfem nb insight for certain asks. I also just think that would be neat.

Cowboy AU - i put this one last cause its got drawings to it actually. Theyll be at the bottom

Basically just. Hey you ever watched a western. I think they look neat

This is another one me n ben have come up with lol

The soy sauce and all that shit still exist, im not sure where korrok fits in yet but ill figure it out

Theres no real like solid narrative yet ? but heres the barebones of everybody’s arcs.

John

Johns an absolute troublemaker, Of Course. Hes wanted in several towns for absolutely stupid shit. Hes a loner who shows up, causes chaos, gets drunk, does some drugs, runs away if people get too mad at him

He definitely had the same kind of deal with the soy sauce as in canon— he was at some kind of party, somebody offered it, he took it cause why the fuck wouldnt he, now he can see monsters and shit

Hes kind of a mooch also. Like. dont let him stay in your barn man he’ll never fucking leave and drink all your booze.

He runs into Dave when they happen to just, cross paths in the same town. the bullshit John stirs up ends up involving Dave in a way that makes it seem like it's his fault too, and they both get run out of town

after that he just tags along after Dave. hes decided this guy's Cool he wants to stick around. Dave is pissed at first, but not enough to shoot him or anything, and eventually, John grows on him

Dave

Dave also is a loner but unlike John hes simply so fucking awkward and bad with people. He doesnt feel like he belongs anywhere so he just travels

He’s the stereotypical Lone Ranger tbh. He wanders from town to town, solving their problems, though hed deny its out of any moral obligation (it kinda is, a little bit, tbh. He does like feeling useful). He shows up, fixes things, leaves. He's kind of a legend but most people think he's hiding something dark. other people jsut know him as that guy who farted real loud in the middle of the saloon and promptly skipped town out of sheer embarrassment. you know how it goes with Dave

He ends up involved with the Soy Sauce when a snake (not Actually a snake,) bites him. The snake’s more like the wig-monsters, really. Anyway, it injects him with the soy sauce, he fucking trips balls in the middle of the desert, he can see monsters now

He runs into John and shit goes tits-up, as said, but they become traveling buddies after that. he'd never say so, but he's glad for the company, actually. it's nice. hes not used to companionship but he feels a strange kind of easiness hanging out with John....

not sure how the Monster Dave concept will like fit in to this reality but like. trust me i want it in here. I'll Figure It Out.

Amy

Amy’s been living in a town John and Dave end up passing through and she is very curious about these two new Handsome Strangers who claim to fight monsters and just kinda. Persistently tags along til they let her join for real

Her family’s all dead, unfortunately, just like in canon, and she’s been living alone for a few years before meeting John n Dave. she had nothing left in that town to stay for, she'd been fantasizing about escaping on wild adventures for a long time and this felt a little like a dream come true. (Dave still gives her a spiel about how Difficult it is, but really, her fantasies were pretty grounded-in-reality already. i jsut think thats how she is, yknow?)

Shes the first person to react to the whole “we see monsters” shit with a kind of “oh, okay. neat” kind of response lmao

John and Dave fix whatever the fuck is up with her town (maybe that’s where the Korrok shit can fit, who knows) and Amy ends up being integral to that. After, she insists they take her with them because “they need her now” and Dave just cant really say no. John too is very much "the more the merrier!" and hes actually glad to have another person along he loves people lmao

At the start she has long hair but after she joins them she chops it short with a knife for convenience

also she still is an amputee. justt. idk. it was a wagon/stagecoach accident rather than a car accident lmao. just to clarify since i hadnt mentioned it, i wouldnt rob her of her ghost hand or yknow. all of the significance to her character that Missing A Hand has. although also now im going to have to research what was used as painkillers way-back-when, but im betting shes still got, like, her pain pills, they probably had those, maybe i wouldnt have to try too hard there. old timey medicine could be WACK though,

Shitload

Yeah hes in tthis shit mostly cause i liked designing his cowboy self lmao

Hes a kid (like 16, 17, technically i think in those days that was more Young Man than Kid but whatever. Hes Young i mean.) who got possessed by the Worms out in the desert and, by his family’s perception, just went missing!

Hes also a wanderer, but he ended up at the same town john and dave met in, at that same time, and starts following them after, already aware of who/what they are.

He keeps his face covered 24/7. actually he covers a Majority of his self for reasons. kinda want him to be a slightly more horrifying Worm Entity rather than human idk,

I kinda dont have much for this boy yet sorry Shitload

images !

with some editing notes for me cause im doing a very specific aesthetic with this lmao. i might change some lil details/colours though ...... idk

im also kinda 🤔 about shitload's colour palette. i want things assoicated w the sauce to be black'n'red predominantly but i think his palette might mirror dave's too closely. also im working on a korrok design i jsut am too busy to draw it now

#jdate #john dies at the end #aus #erh. tthe hell do i tag this as #rambles.txt #long post #well let me know if youd wanna hear more or. or something #send an ask. or whatever #yaknow #:jazz hands:

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infinitelytheheartexpands · 5 years ago

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as we are exchanging asks, something you asked me once: 10 favorite characters from 10 different operas and what you like about them?

an extremely delayed response, all apologies, and also it’s past midnight right now so perhaps I should be sleeping and I’ll try to keep this somewhat short (and probably fail), but anyway, to answer your question:

1. Don Carlo(s): I love just about everyone in this opera (except you, Grand Inquisitor. you can go die) but if I had to choose one, I’d go with the absolute icon that is Princess Éboli. The thing I love about her most, I think, is how wonderfully complicated and real she is. I mean, she loves life, she’s a fierce badass, she does some horrible things for...lots of different reasons, but she does her absolute best to set things right again. In short, an extremely relatable, amazing, gorgeous Disaster Bi. Also: Verdi mezzo, so epic-as-hell music.

2. La traviata: Violetta Valéry. She doesn’t have much in the way of competition within her opera, but I’m still putting her on here because she’s one of my favorite characters in anything ever, and one of the first fictional ladies on whom I developed a hardcore crush. Something people forget about courtesans is that they were more than just...sex objects. They were smart ladies who oftentimes set the pace for upper-class life even as they were privately scorned for their position. And Marie Duplessis (on whom Violetta is based) is pretty much your ultimate rags-to-riches story (although we know how it ultimately ends). So Violetta goes from having nothing to teaching herself the ways of the world, climbs to the top of Parisian society, then decides she wants to give it all up for true love and fulfillment. While she didn’t choose the right guy IMO, she’s incredibly brave and bold and sensitive and she cares so much about everyone and she gives up her happiness so many times and I can’t and I love her so much and also her music is amazing and excuse me while I go cry. Also I need to make these shorter.

3. Simon Boccanegra: There’s my boy, Simon! One: I am a sucker for Good Baritones. Two: I am particularly a sucker for Good or Good-at-Heart Tormented Verdi Baritones. Three: THIS GUY. All he wants is to have peace and be with his family. That’s it. He’s so good and kind and amazing but also he is taking exactly no one’s BS (just listen to that Council Chamber scene!). He takes a position he didn’t want in the hope that he’ll be able to win Maria, but then she dies, but then he still uses his position to try to reconcile the factions anyway (and surprisingly enough, he’s pretty successful?). And him as a dad MY HEART.

4. Falstaff: Alice Ford, aka area 15th-century mistress of the house who has the mind of a 21st-century woman and is absolutely iconic for it. She’s incredibly smart and funny and clever and such a sweet person and great mom. She takes no one’s crap whatsoever and she outsmarts both Ford and Falstaff at every turn. She’s the ultimate ‘girls supporting girls’ lady and she gives the middle finger to the concepts of women just being good for being men’s playthings and of arranged marriage. And she knows how to have fun with it all. My one complaint: VERDI WHAT WERE YOU THINKING NOT GIVING HER A BADASS ARIA. That’s all.

5. Carmen: Carmen, my first love...I fell in love with her Habañera and her sheer confidence when I was 7 (and not realizing what it was about, may or may not have attempted to sing it on the playground at school, much to everyone’s confusion, but that’s a story for another time) and I’ve loved her since. I love her freedom, her huge self-confidence, her devil-may-care attitude, and every last note of her music. I just love her as a person. And of course, the iconic ‘‘Free was I born, and free I will die!” That right there is a life motto.

6. Eugene Onegin: My fellow book-loving, perpetually-dreaming nerd Tatyana Larina. Of course, I love her because of how sheerly relatable she is but there are so many other reasons as well. Like her and her sister’s dynamic. And the way she grows up and matures. And the way she’s not afraid to set some damn boundaries with Onegin, indeed, tell him no. That’s a strong girl right there, and while I wish she’d been able to get Onegin and true happiness...I’m not sure a relationship with Onegin would’ve worked out, and I’m proud of her for realizing that such a relationship (and perpetually fantasizing about it) could be extremely unhealthy and moving on. And oh God, her music. Especially the letter scene, which is every writer on an inspiration binge. And the final scene. Anyway.

7. Guillaume Tell: This is another ‘I love just about all the characters in this opera but welp I have to choose just one’ opera, and my choice is Guillaume Tell himself. First off: see #4. Second off: He’s just??? such an incredible person in every way like how is it possible to be that great of a human being??? He’s brave, he sticks up for what he believes in, he’s always willing to give others a helping hand, he’s super-enthusiastic, he’s a great husband/dad/friend, he’ll do anything for the people he cares about, he will readily call those who need it out on their BS...anyway we STAN him on this blog. Also, Rossini. And that incredibly gorgeous aria ‘Sois immobile’. I die.

8. Les Huguenots: Yet another grand opéra where I love the vast majority of the characters, and while I am 99% sure you already know the answer to this, I’ll say it again: it’s the only, the only Valentine de Saint-Bris, who just so happens to be incredibly amazing. She’s so...real and expressive and she’s someone I just personally feel like I get, like I see a little (okay more than that) of myself in her because of how real and relatable she is (I wrote a few posts a while back about why I headcanon that she has a severe undiagnosed anxiety disorder, which was...a major part of the story of my life for a while and to a lesser extent still is, but I digress) and also how amazing of a person she is. She’s not willing to just sit idly by while the world around her falls apart and the people she loves turn on each other (and eventually her). She’s one of the few people on either side of the aisle who’s like ‘this whole religious war thing is stupid and y’all need to stop’ and when things go from bad to worse, she puts herself out there in the middle of it all to save the people she cares about most (oh, also, remember how she just. stormed into the royal palace, demanded an interview with the Queen Mother, got it, and then used said interview to get a way to save Raoul and Marcel? yeah me too), and then when that fails, she literally renounces her own faith rather than belong to a religion that is committing actual crimes against humanity. and while she still fights to the bitter end, she still believes there’s a way to redemption for everyone and forgives her dad and JUST...I die. Also her music’s great but like. I love her mostly for her story.

9. Benvenuto Cellini: I am falling in love with this opera and literally all of its characters more and more every day, but my favorite character is probably Benvenuto Cellini himself, who is a) one of the few Not-Dumb tenors in opera and b) is a (mostly) Good Tenor. He loves life, he loves his art, he loves Teresa, and there are so many times where he is just such a Mood (see pretty much his entire second-act aria). Also, dude is GUTSY as hell. I mean, he literally gets the Pope to give him...pretty much everything he wants in exchange for the statue. That right there is an iconic moment. I don’t have a whole lot else to say about the character because it’s still kind of a new opera to me, but anyway he’s super-cool and I love him.

10. Les contes d’Hoffmann: Nicklausse! (Also his incarnation as the Muse, but mostly Nicklausse) He gets some of the best music in the whole thing (the Violin Aria anyone? or the Barcarolle with Giulietta?) and also he’s one of my favorite trouser roles. He’s super-ambiguous— is he really Hoffmann’s buddy or is he actually secretly working for Lindorf or is he going back and forth or is he somehow trying to help Hoffmann through working with Lindorf??? But one thing’s for sure: he’s by turns funny, serious, caring, devious...and I love him all the time. And his Musely work...ugh, the Muse gets me every time. Also, I invariably picture Kate Lindsey in the Sher production and that is a LOOK.

That’s all, sorry about the wait, and here you go! ❤️

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voicesfromthelight · 5 years ago

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The Story of “Abuela,” Simon, and Millicent: On Astral Party-Crashers (and How to Avoid Them)

Today, to celebrate the Halloween/Samhain season, I’d like to explore the somewhat spooky phenomenon of astral party-crashers.

Astral party-crashers are spiritual entities that sometimes pop up in mediumistic settings - or in your home! - who have no readily apparent association with any individual in the room, but are drawn to present themselves out of curiosity, benevolence, boredom, or, in some cases, energetic hunger stemming from unresolved issues that keep them hovering close to the physical plane. Luckily, the intrusions of astral party-crashers have been fairly infrequent in my personal experience. However, when I have encountered them, the evidence has been strong enough in terms of physical manifestations of synchronicities, etc., that I think it’s important for students of mediumship to know that they exist, and plan for them without apprehension.

Much of the work of a competent medium consists of understanding how to attune oneself to the spirit world, and receive accurate, verifiable information from it. However, far from being one uniform field, the “other side” is a multifaceted realm: a spectrum of different frequencies. Different types of entities dwell in different “layers” of the spiritual plane, of varying densities, much like different colours of light occupy different ranges on a spectrum of wavelengths. Accordingly, the emotional, spiritual, physical and energetic qualities of a medium determine which frequencies they are able to attune themselves to most easily. This is why Lorna Byrne speaks to angels, Jessyka Winston works with her Lwa, Tyler Henry passes messages between people and their dead loved ones, and I communicate most easily with Salvador, Natalie and my other guides, who dwell in a layer of the spirit realm somewhat higher in frequency than the astral. The reason I refer specifically to astral party-crashers when talking of this subject, is that the entities in question will usually pop up because they dwell in the frequency band commonly known as the astral realm, which is closest in density to that of the physical plane. This doesn’t necessarily mean that they are the types of ghosts who would cause physical hauntings, but I do find that they seem to have an easy time firing off synchronicities that manifest in the physical realm. Although they are usually harmless, and easy to miss altogether if one is not psychically open, if you find yourself frequently bumping into astral party-crashers, it may be an indication that your baseline energy level and psychic protection measures could use a boost.

The first time I bumped into an astral party-crasher was a bit over a year ago. The incident started on the same day I spoke about in my piece on clairaudience, during a time when my mediumistic ability was going through a bit of a spike. I had been working on a film set in Harlem that day, and took the opportunity of being in a neighborhood with a large Latino population to visit a local botánica. Salvador and Natalie are quite protective of me, and have more than once shooed me away from dabbling in working with any spirits outside of my circle of personal guides. However, I was curious to see the place, and wanted to buy a candle.

The botánica was a large space, with hundreds of different candles of all colours to choose from, soperas, and a plethora of pre-packaged oils and incenses for every magical purpose, stacked on shelves that reached from the floor to the ceiling. The energy there felt a little scattered to me, but not uncomfortable. I chose a candle for myself, and went home happy with my purchase.

The next day, as I was tuning into a channeling session, an unfamiliar spirit popped up and greeted me. In Spanish. Which I barely speak.

“¡Hola, Emily!”

Somewhat taken aback, I asked whom I had the pleasure of speaking with. “Soy Abuela,” she replied. (“I am Grandmother.”) She then switched to English, and went on to give me specific instructions on how to burn my candle for best magical results, and which herbs would work best with it. (Damiana and vetiver, on an alternating basis, she said.)

My psychic protection practices always include specifying whom I wish to communicate with before my channeling sessions, so when “Abuela” declared her presence, I was a little suspicious, but also, I admit, somewhat intrigued. If she was who she claimed to be, it seemed someone’s magically savvy grandmother had followed me home from the botánica, wanting to teach me her craft. I wasn’t so sure it was something I should be getting involved in, but appreciated her attention. I thanked her for visiting me, and said goodbye.

Abuela turned up again intermittently in my sessions over the next couple of weeks, and I remained somewhat wary of her. Salvador told me that she was harmless, but there were other incidents not directly associated with her - not all of them pleasant - that had me a bit on edge. My energy around this time was running low due to working very long hours on film shoots, and once in a while, I would notice astral level spirits that needed to be crossed over tagging along with me from my excursions out into the city, or otherwise subtly tugging at my spiritual sleeve. A woman from a small Finnish village I had never heard of before wanted me to warn her relative about a fire hazard, giving me her full name and place of residence. A gay man from a few states over wanted me to take a message to his husband. After sending them home, I would usually end up googling their obituaries, and try to find clues as to how to address their various requests. I attempted to make the most of it and gather at least some kind of mediumistic evidence. However, I knew in my heart that working outside of designated “office hours,” and being vulnerable to astral interference, was neither smart nor sustainable.

Because of these incidents, I began working long-distance with a shamanic healer and psychic named Joy. Joy, who specializes in working with other practitioners, was helping me tune up my psychic self-care and patch up my energy field to stop uninvited energies from seeping in.

At the end of my first phone session with Joy, I described some of the latest incidents of tag-alongs I had been experiencing. I mentioned my encounters with Abuela. Joy said that it was probably fine, but if she hung around much longer, it might be a good idea to ask her if she needed some help to move on.

Right after we ended our call, I decided to check my Instagram account to wind down from the session. As I opened up the app, through a slip of my hand, I unintentionally ended up on a feed that was not my own - which is something I rarely explore. And there, one of the very first posts that popped up was not a photograph, but one that only showed a screen capture of this text, in bold letters:

“¡SOY ABUELA!”

I do not recall hearing from her since.*

Perhaps the strangest incident I ever experienced of astral party-crashing happened in connection with a séance I attended a while ago, which I briefly outlined in my recent post on “getting the wires crossed.”

At the time, I had been shopping around for a new psychic development circle to join up with, and visited one I had been to once before, a few months earlier. I had already had some misgivings about the way the circle had been conducted before, but publicly announced séances are surprisingly few and far between in New York City, so I decided to give it a second shot.

As in most message circles, the protocol at this one consisted of the leader of the circle taking us through a series of meditations and psychic protection practices before moving on to passing messages to those present. However, my alarm bells soon went off, when after our initial meditations, during a quick break, the somewhat grandiosely inclined leader started to explain that there were demons attracted by the spiritual light generated by our circle, attempting to interfere. As he began to give a graphic description of the “demons” he had seen, I covered my ears and walked out of the room. (For the record: If you ever see anything menacing during a mediumistic meditation, unless you are specifically doing some kind of shadow work or banishing, the last thing you want to do is to feed it with attention and anchor its energy down through verbally describing it.) I did not care for the man’s foolish attempts to impress the novices at the event, nor was I intimidated by what he had said, but decided to let go of my reservations to get my own mediumistic practice time in.

When the break ended, I returned to the circle, and we moved into the section of the séance where messages would be delivered. As I meditated, I became aware of a middle-aged, stocky man, wearing leather boots and a cap. I heard the name “Simon.” He seemed to be a farmer. I placed him to have been alive around the 1970s. I did not recognize him, but he reminded me a bit of a character I had seen bizarrely stomp through a precognitive dream, the previous summer, flashing a set of very unlucky Tarot cards at me before declaring, á propos of them: “Nobody wins!” - the night before my fiancé had broken up with me. Then, in my mind’s eye, I saw a slender woman with long, brown hair. Her name was Millicent. She was wearing something that looked like a prairie dress. Perhaps a hippie. They seemed to belong together. I jotted down all the details, anticipating the end of the circle, when I could speak up and find out whose dead relatives I had brought through. They certainly weren’t mine.

The leader of the circle worked his way around the room, delivering messages to each attendee in turn. Then, he turned to me and said: “When I tune into your energy, I am aware of two spirits. There is an older man, whose name is either John or Simon. I’m not quite sure. And a woman with an M name. She comes across as a hillbilly. I think she’s Irish.” I concurred that I had picked on those exact two people, but my ancestral roots went back exclusively to Eastern Europe and Finland, and I definitely did not have any relatives from Ireland named Simon or Millicent. Surely they were there for someone else! However, nobody in the room recognized the rustic duo any better than I could.

The séance eventually trailed off, and I noticed that the leader never formally closed the circle. This worried me somewhat, but I told myself it wasn’t a big deal. I also wondered what exactly was going on with Simon and Millicent. Why would two such random characters show up for me, when we didn’t seem to have any direct connection? Still, for all my concerns, I was happy that the session had resulted in the information I had received on them being corroborated so closely by the other medium.

That night, as I was falling asleep, something very unusual happened. Right as I was dozing off, in a hypnagogic state, I heard a male voice loudly say my name in my right ear, almost as if it was physically coming from outside of my head. (Usually, when I receive clairaudient information, the impression is one of simply having a verbally expressed thought, and it feels like it is situated more near my left ear. Furthermore, it almost never happens unbidden.) “Ugh.” I thought. “Here we go. Someone followed me home.”

Life went on as normal for a while. Salvador confirmed to me the next day that the problem had been that the séance had not been closed properly, and I should avoid that particular circle in the future. I tried to shake off the incident.

About a week later, I met up for coffee with a dear colleague, and as we were catching up on what had been going on in our lives, I shared with him the strange story of Simon and Millicent. By then, I was laughing about it, and my friend was also amused.

Towards the end of our visit, we stopped by a large bookstore to look for some inspiration for a project we were working on together. My friend took the opportunity to visit the restroom, and as I was waiting for him, my eyes wandered to a book sitting on a stand in the children’s section: “Dear Mili,” read the title. It was a book illustrated by the illustrious Maurice Sendak, author of “Where The Wild Things Are.” I had already had several other, sweet little synchronicities happen that day, and so, my first thought was “Hey! My spirit guides must have wanted me to see this, since they always call me Dear Emily.” As I leafed through it, I discovered it was a somewhat creepy little story, discovered in the early 1980s in a letter written by Wilhelm Grimm to a young girl in 1816. The story made me somewhat melancholy, but the pictures were beautiful. I texted a picture of the cover of the book to a friend of mine who not only had been one of my first mediumistic clients, and was quite familiar with the lingo my guides use, but had also been at the séance with me where Simon and Millicent had made an appearance. “Look what Natalie sent me!” I captioned my photo.

Then, I opened the book up to its dedication page, and my jaw dropped open.

“For my sister, Natalie.” - M.S.

M.S. - Millicent and Simon?

Barely believing my eyes, I texted my friend a second photo of the page.

A moment later, she replied:

“Wait. Dear Mili - MILLICENT?!”

And that, as they say, was that.

These two incidents of astral party-crashing illustrate well some of elements that can contribute to being vulnerable to psychic interference. They can be summed up fairly simply:

Attempting mediumship when energetically run down either through physical tiredness, negative emotions, poor diet, illness, or while under the effects (or after-effects!) of mind-altering substances such as alcohol or drugs. (Yes, this includes cannabis for most people. CBD, however, is usually fine, as it isn’t psychoactive.)

Not practicing proper psychic self-care through meditation, energy-clearing, and psychic protection. This includes not only your personal energy, but your personal living space, as well.

Dabbling in practices that are not aligned with your spiritual integrity.

Spending time in places with negative energy, that attract low-vibration entities. These can be spaces associated with addiction, abuse, or violence. This doesn’t mean mediums need to avoid such spaces altogether, of course, but energetic clearing is doubly important after being exposed to that kind of energy.

Focusing on images, thoughts, or stories that invoke fear or unease. Don’t watch horror movies before doing a mediumistic session! At least give yourself a few days to detox.

Asking for trouble by intentionally invoking fear-based entities. (Duh.) Just don’t. It’s not worth it.

Being afraid of the spirit world, and of one’s own mediumistic tendencies.

Not properly opening and closing your mediumistic sessions.

On the other hand, my guides have a slightly different take on the matter. From their perspective, every experience is an opportunity to learn something new. So, here are some points that my guides conveyed through clairaudient dictation around the time that Abuela was visiting me. (Parts of this were cited in an early post on this blog about empathic vulnerability.)

Question: “Why are uninvited energies interfering with my mediumistic sessions? Am I not strong enough to keep them out?”

“Your guides know when an energy can be helpful even if you yourself have not set up the meeting. Even if you are being told something you think you do not want to hear, the energy itself may have something useful to tell you. Have no fear. You are in good hands. Wear an amulet if you think it will make you feel more safe, but this is not necessary or helpful if you do not trust your guides to help you. Call your guides to help you raise and strengthen your energies. Allowing the information that comes through to reach you as just that, information, and not as an energetic intrusion, will give you the best access to knowledge of all stripes.

Allow your guides to act as informed gatekeepers and let in the spirits covered in your opening prayer. [Being very adamant about proactive,] careful vetting places an undue burden of self-protection on the practitioner. If you feel unsafe or drained, plan ahead and look to your sources of strength to hold you in a higher vibration. Ask the lower energies to step away. You are safe […] Do not succumb to the influence of fear. You are OK. Pay attention to any disturbances in the atmosphere of your home, Work to become a better arbiter of your own boundaries. Nobody can enter your awareness [unbidden] if you have placed high enough barriers on your consciousness.”

All of this can be summed up into the principle that the stronger your connection is with your personal team of guides, and the better care you take care of yourself as well as your environment, the less vulnerable you will be to interference. Lately, I almost never experience these kinds of incidents anymore, and when they are about to happen, Salvador and Natalie will quickly warn me and nip them in the bud. The bottom line is, these are not things to be feared. At the limit, I would use this information to encourage my readers to treat themselves with love, self-respect and kindness, stay true to themselves, and build a strong relationship with own protectors.

Have you ever experienced an astral party-crasher? How did they make themselves known? How did you deal with it? How would you deal with it if it happened again? Let me know!

------------------------------------------------------

* In case you are wondering if this was a result of an algorithm being triggered by my phone “spying” on my conversation with Joy, I can only say that it wasn’t the first time that Spirit had used social media for synchronicities. The first time my guides gave me a timeline for an event using astrological timing, citing only the symbols for Venus and Scorpio, I had no idea what it meant - until I opened up Instagram after the session. The very first post on my feed was captioned with a long piece on the astrological implications of Venus shortly moving into Scorpio. There was no technological record of my channeling session to feed into any algorithm at that time. I also had never had any interest in astrology until that moment.

#spirit communication #astral #mediumship #psychic #medium #psychic medium #ghosts #hauntings #haunted #psychic protection #energy healing #spiritualism #seance #witchesoftumblr #witches #spirit guides #channeled messages #synchronicities #entities

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john-laurens · 8 years ago

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Alexander Hamilton to John Laurens, April 1779: Close Reading and Analysis

After posting the original and edited versions of this letter, I wanted to do a thorough analysis of it to cover the many innuendos and implications contained within. Again, this reading is my own (though it has been driven by suggestions from others) and is a subjective interpretation of the data we have. I encourage you to read the letter for yourself to draw your own conclusions and add to the discussion.

Cold in my professions, warm in [my] friendships, I wish, my Dear Laurens, it m[ight] be in my power, by actions rather than words, [to] convince you that I love you_

This is the first (surviving) letter that Hamilton sent to Laurens, and he opened it with an explicit declaration of his love for Laurens. He even suggested a physical aspect of their relationship that likely would have gone beyond the socially acceptable “romantic friendships” of the day. What’s interesting here is that Hamilton stated that his verbal and written sentiments are typically “cold” and that he wants the distance between Laurens and himself to be eliminated so that he might be able to express the full extent of his feelings through some from of physical affection. However, this is one of the most emotionally expressive and romantic letters written by Hamilton – if this is “cold,” just imagine what the full “warmth” of their relationship was like when they were not separated.

I shall only tell you tha[t] ‘till you bade us Adieu, I hardly knew the value you had tought my heart to set upon you[_] Indeed, my friend, it was not well done_ You know the opinion I entertain of mankind, and how much it is my desire to preserve myself free from particular attachments, and to keep my happin[ess] independent on the caprice of others_ You sh[ould] not have taken advantage of my sensibility to ste[al] into my affections without my consent. But a[s] you have done it and as we are generally indu[l]gent to those we love_ I shall not scruple to pa[r]don the fraud you have committed, on condit[ion] that for my sake, if not for your own, you will always continue to merit the partiality, which you have so artfully instilled into [me_]

Here, Hamilton emphasizes the fact that he does not form many close relationships and lets Laurens (and future readers like ourselves) know just how exceptional it was that Laurens formed such a deep connection with Hamilton. Hamilton lightly teased him about accomplishing such a feat, but in doing so, he affirmed the depth of the love that he had for Laurens and revealed that he was quite committed to the relationship they developed. The term “partiality” was also frequently used by Hamilton when expressing his love for Laurens, and I have a brief post here which highlights those instances.

I also think it’s interesting that Hamilton switched from “preserve myself free from particular friendships” in his original letter to “preserve myself free from particular attachments” in this final, edited version. The earlier version implies somewhat that Hamilton didn’t keep many friends and that his relationship with Laurens was only on the level of friendship. Hamilton did have friends – but the number of people he deeply cared for and loved was kept to a minimum. He seems to have been affected by the large number of people he loved and ultimately lost early on in life to a point where he guarded his heart to prevent any further suffering. By switching the phrasing to “attachments,” this idea comes across more clearly, and it’s implied that Hamilton’s relationship with Laurens was a more serious “attachment” rather than a casual friendship.

I have received your two lett[ers] one from Philadelphia the other from Chester[_]

Laurens did write to Hamilton! Wow! It’s almost like most of Laurens’s letters have been lost or destroyed, and maybe we shouldn’t judge the level of one’s affection based on the number of letters written by a depressed man who didn’t write much in general! So please stop arguing that Hamilton loved Laurens more than Laurens loved Hamilton. I have a post about this here.

I am pleased with your success, so far_ and I hope the favourable omens, that precede your app[lic]ation to the Assembly may have as favoura[ble] an issue_ provided the situation of affairs sh[ould] require it which I fear will be the case_ But both for your country’s sake and for my ow[n] I wish the enemy may be gone from Georgia befor[e] [y]ou arrive and that you may be obliged to return and [sh]are the fortunes of your old friends_

Hamilton wished “for [his] own” sake that Laurens would not meet any danger and that he would be able to return to camp swiftly and safely. ‘Daw. This once again emphasizes the level of attachment that Hamilton had with Laurens. Their desires for each other’s safety weren’t just casual well-wishes – they were deeply personal concerns borne out of their love for each other and the closeness between them.

[In respect] to the Commission, which you [received from] Congress, all the world must think your conduct perfectly right. Indeed your ideas upon this occasion seem not to have their wonted accuracy; and you have had scruples, in a great measure, without foundation. By your appointment as Aide De Camp to the Commander in Chief you had as much the rank of Leiutenant Colonel, as any officer in the line_ your receiving a commission as Lieutenant Colonel from the date of that appointment, does not in the least injure or interfere with one of them; unless by virute of it you are introduced into a particular regiment in violation of the right of succession; which is not, the case at present neither is it a necessary consequence. As you were going to command a batalion, it was proper you should have commission, and if this commission had been dated posterior to your appointment as Aide De Camp, I should have considered it as derogatory to your former rank_ to mine and to that of the whole corps_ The only thing I see wrong in this affair is this_ Congress by their conduct, both on the former and present occasion, appear to have intended to confer a privilege, an honor, a mark of distinction, a something upon you; which they withold from other Gentlemen in the family. This carries with it an air of preference, which, though we can all truly say, we love your character and admire you[r] military merit, cannot fall to give some of us uneasy sensations. But in this, my Dear J I wish you to understand me well_ The blame, if there is any, falls wholly upon Congress_ I repea[t] it_ your conduct has been perfectly right and even laudable; you rejected the offer when you ought to have rejected it; and you accepted [it] [w]hen you ought to have accepted it; and let me [add] [w]ith a degree of overscrupulous del[ica]cy._ It [was necessary] to your project_ your p[roject] was the public good_ and I should have done the same_ _ In hesitating, you have refined upon the refinements of generosity.

@ciceroprofacto and @revolutionary-pirate have a good post here that details that complexities behind Laurens receiving his commission as Lieutenant-Colonel, and I won’t try to summarize any of that here. I will comment on the fact that Hamilton repeatedly emphasized that Laurens acted properly and was an honorable, good man who was always trying to do right by his peers and his country. Laurens seems to have suffered from depression, and his self-loathing and fears that he was not doing enough good or failing in his actions come across prominently in many of his letters. Hamilton’s reassurances of Laurens’s character likely were made with the intention of helping Laurens to see that he was loved/appreciated and that he had done much good in his life. Laurens’s father often refrained from directly complimenting or praising him, so it’s good that Hamilton was able to provide Laurens with the positive affirmations that he needed.

There is a total stagnation of new[s] here, political military_ Gates has refused the Indian command_ Sullivan is come to take it[_] The former has lately given a fresh proof of his impudence, his folly and his rascality_ ‘Tis no great matter; but a peculiarity in the case, prevents my saying what

I anticipate by sympathy the pleasure you must feel from the sweet converse of your dearer self in the inclosed letters_ I hope they may be recent_ They were brought out of New York by General Thompson delivered to him there by a Mrs. Moore not long from England, soi-disante parente de Madame votre épouse. She speaks of a daughter of yours_ well when she left England_ perhaps [illegible/torn]

Hamilton first wrote this paragraph with references to Laurens in the third person rather than in the second person, which carries a greater feeling of anger, resentment, and detachment. With third person, Hamilton refused to directly address Laurens and communicated his shock and bitterness over Laurens’s withholding of his marital status. Hamilton’s use of “She speaks of a daughter of yours” rather than “She speaks of your daughter” indicates that he did not know about Frances and likely Martha as well. Hamilton had known Laurens for about a year and a half at this point – during this period, they had grown incredibly close, risked their lives in battles together, and even participated in a duel together. Laurens felt the need to refrain from telling Hamilton about his wife and child during this time – possibly because of the similarities between his marriage and Hamilton’s family life, or possibly because of the nature of the romantic/sexual relationship between Laurens and Hamilton. Regardless of the reasoning, Hamilton’s anger here is certainly understandable.

And Now my Dear as we are upon the subject of wife_ I empower and comman[d] you to get me one in Carolina_

Everyone knows this paragraph for its massive amounts of sexual innuendo, but I am of the mind that this paragraph was also a description of Laurens. By describing Laurens as his ideal “wife,” Hamilton would have reaffirmed the idea that 1) he loved Laurens (even after learning about his wife and child), and 2) he had no intention of seeking another partner or marrying in the foreseeable future. I’ll do my best to explain each point.

Such a wife a[s] I want will, I know, be difficult to be found _ but if you succeed, it will the stronger proof of your zeal and dexterity_

Dexterity most often refers to skill with one’s hands – potential sexual innuendo? With Hamilton, it’s certainly possible.

Take her description[_] She must be young_ handsome

Laurens: young and handsome. Check.

(I lay most stress upon a good shape)

This could be referring to the fact that Laurens was physically fit and considered quite handsome, but I also read this as sexual innuendo.

sensible (a little learning will do)_

Given his extensive education with private tutors and European schools, I’d say that Laurens was certainly a learned man.

well bred (but she must have an aversion to the word ton)

Laurens was certainly well-bred, so another check-mark here. In the 18th century, the word “ton” referred to fashionable society, so Hamilton’s remark would allow us to check yet another box for Laurens. Though from the upper-class himself, Laurens repeatedly discussed his desires for social, racial, and economic equality, and he fought for each of these to varying extents. In this way, Laurens demonstrated his aversion to maintaining the status quo of the high society in that time period.

chaste and tender (I am an enthusiast in my notions of fidelity and fondness)

This could easily describe the “fidelity and fondness” that Laurens was demonstrating in his relationship with Hamilton. Additionally, the remark about “fidelity” could also be a jab at Laurens over the recent marriage reveal.

of some good nature_ a great deal of generosity (she must neither love money nor scolding, for I dislike equally a termagant and an œconomist)_

This brings me back to some points I raised after the line about being “well bred.” Though Laurens was rich and frequently a heavy spender, he also refused to take pay for his military service and openly discussed his desire to distribute wealth equally.

In politics, I am indifferen[t] what side she may be of_ I think I have arguments that will easily convert her to mine_

This one is a little harder to explain in relation to Laurens. Laurens and Hamilton appear to have had similar political opinions, so Hamilton likely did not have to convert Laurens to his side very often. Hamilton could be saying that his love for Laurens would always supersede any differences they had over politics. Again, this isn’t my strongest point.

As to religion a moderate stock will satisfy me_ She must believe in god and hate a saint.

This appears to be an accurate description of Laurens’s religion. We know that Laurens was some form of Christian and believed in God, but he rarely mentions religion or God in any of his letters (I believe he made no mention of religion in his letters after his teenage years).

But as to fortune, the larger stock of that the better_ You know my temper and circumstances and will therefore pay special attention to this article on the treaty_ _ Though I run no risk of going to Purgatory for my avarice; yet as money is an essential ingredient to happiness in this world_ as I have not much of my own_ and as I am very little calculated to get more either by my address or industry; it must needs be that my wife, if I get one, bring at least a sufficiency to administ[er] to her own extravagancies

Laurens was quite rich, so he certainly falls into the financial category that Hamilton preferred. The last line here could also be poking fun at Laurens for his desire for certain “extravagancies” during the war (hair powder, fancy clothes, and the like – Laurens did have to look good as an aide to Washington, but his requests for new clothes came quite frequently and likely with a certain fashionable style in mind).

NB You will be pleased to recollect in your negotiation that I have no invincible antipathy to the maidenly beauties & that I am willing to take the trouble of them upon mys[elf_]

@ciceroprofacto made a great addition to an earlier post of mine that more thoroughly details the innuendo of this line. “Maidenly beauties” likely refers to a virgin of some sort, and it’s heavily implied that Hamilton took on the “trouble” of Laurens’s “virginity.” In this discussion, we should remember that “virginity” does not have to be and should not be reduced to an argument of who took on what position during intercourse. Rather, we can glean that Laurens was likely involved with Hamilton in a way he had never been involved with a man before.

If you should not readily meet with a lady that you think answers my description you can only advertise in the public papers and doubtess you will hear of many competitors for most of the qualifications required, who will be glad to become candidates for such a pr[ize] as I am. To excite their emulation, it will be necessary for you in to give an account of the lover_ his size, make, qua[lity] of mind and body, [ach]ieve[me]nts, expectations, fortunes, &c_ In drawing my picture, you wil[l] no doubt be civil to your friend_ mind you do justice to the length of my nose and don’t forget, that I [never spared you of pictures]_

The fact that Laurens was familiar with the finer details of Hamilton’s penis is highly suggestive that Laurens and Hamilton had an intimate relationship. Many people have posted about this innuendo before, so I won’t get into any more detail here.

@ciceroprofacto also conducted a great analysis of the infamous scratched-out five words (”never spared you of pictures”), which you can read here.

After reviewing what I have written_ I am ready to ask myself what could have put it into my head to hazard this jeu de follie_ Do I want a wife[?] No. I have plagues enough without desiring to add to the number that greatest of all; and if I were silly enough to do it, I should take care how I employed a proxy._

The paragraph that is always forgotten by straight historians. Hamilton was completely joking about wanting a wife – he says so himself. Additionally, the fact that Hamilton was joking helps to support the idea that the previous paragraph was truly about Laurens.

Did I mean to show my wit?_

Did you know that “wit” was Shakespearean slang for “penis”? The more you know.

if I did, I am sure I have missed my aim_ Did I only intend to [frisk?] In this I have succeeded_ but I have done m[ore_] I have gratified my feelings, by lengthening o[ut] the only kind of intercourse now in my po[wer] with my friend_ Adieu

The use of “intercourse” (and, to some extent, “gratified”) is once again very sexually suggestive.

Yrs. A Hamilt[on]

P.S_ Fleury shall be taken care of. All the family send their love_ In this join the General Mrs. Washington_ & what is best, tis not in the stile of [ce]remony but sincerit[y]_

#John Laurens #Alexander Hamilton

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reinadelosangeles · 8 years ago

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Soy Luna Headcanons [or Alternative Universe].

Hey there! So, I had these headcanons for a while in mind (that, let’s be honest, are more au than anything) and a couple of people I love told me to share them here wth the #soyluna hashtag... So, here they are! A few explanations before starting:

-The pairings I put in [] are based on the characters’ interests, it’s not like they play a big role in the story, I just needed them for background and storylines.

-I don’t like all the pairings in here, (i.e Jimiro, Jimico, Gasfi and Lumon are paring I completely do not like nor ship) once again, I just need them for the storyteller.

-The pairings in cursive are the ones I’ll be developing.

-It’s gonna be a two parts post, this one has the sexualities and explains the plots a little. The other contains the headcanons in general.

-It’s not a fic or something, these are just some ideas I’ve got, tho if I ever get inspire I could write something but Idk, we’ll see.

-This does not contains s*x stuff, not explict anyway, but the characters do get involve in situations like that, so if that’s not your way, don’t read it please.

-I don’t know if I should advert this but, the majority of the ships are LGBTQ+ as well as the characters, so if you are not down with this neither Do. Not. Read.

-I tried to fix my ideas with the characterization that the characters have in the show, so if you find something OOC (more than the pairings) I’m really sorry.

Andddd, that’ll be all, hope you all enjoy my gay mess :’)♥.

Headcanons:

LGBTQ+ characters;

Luna {bisexual}.

Matteo {bisexual}.

Ámbar {bisexual}.

Gastón {queer}.

Ramiro {queer}.

Yam {lesbian}.

Delfi {lesbian/queer}.

Jazmín {polysexual/queer}.

Simón {bisexual/queer}.

The Inevitable Straights™;

Nina.

Jim.

Pedro.

Nico.

Pairings and basic storylines;

»Luna is an extrovert, fluffy, kinda silly girl; she used to have a golden life in México until her parents get a job from a rich woman from Argentina and has to move there. That’s the place where she meets Nina, the girl that quickly becomes her best friend, and well, then there is the following thing: Luna likes boys and girls, and although she is not really open about it, she definetely falls for Nina, who is already in love with someone else. Luna also kind of likes this guy Matteo, who is an irritating ass, but really charming and cute at the same time, and because of this she has to fight her feelings in the process of finding herself. [Lutteo/Lunina].

»Ámbar is Matteo’s all life girlfriend, but she’s always had something for girls, reason why she falls for Luna the instant she’s introduced. Ámbar had a pretty rude childhood and is still dealing with family issues, resulting in her always brad and mean demeanor. Her two best friends are the only people that actually like her, so when she meets Luna, she’s exposed to a different view of reality: Luna’s passionate, vivacious and cheerful and Ámbar realizes throught her that not everything has to be a black whole of revenge. [Lumbar/Mambar].

»Matteo is openly bisexual, dates Ámbar and chills sleeping around with boys… Until Simón comes into town. Matteo never liked to feel exposed or attached to no one, and that’s why he and Ámbar never had such a serious relationship. However, Simón is not like the guys he’s used to sleep with; he’s brave and expressive and won’t take any of his shit, so… Things really start to change. [Mambar/Sitteo].

»Yam is a punk-rock girl power kind of girl, she’s free in her own world. She has always known that she likes girls, and if she never came out as lesbian she well knows she is. She used to have a massive crush on Jazmín, but after Jim goes into another heartbreak, Yam helps her so that she doesn’t let herself suffer like that anymore, and in the process of making her independent she realizes she’s in love with her (kinda like Ari and Dante from Aristotle and Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe). [Yazmín/Jimila].

»Delfi is a popular girl with low self-esteem, a lot of sterotypes and prejudices when it comes to POC or LGBTQ+ people, and the belief that she should date Cute Popular Guys™. Thus, she starts with Gastón, but that is until something goes wrong and she ends up kissing Jazmín on a party… Wrong move. Jazmín has been Delfi’s best friend maybe her whole life, and she has always been connected to her better than to anyone else, but never in the world could she like a girl… Right? [Gasfi/Dezmín].

»Ramiro is a loner, an impassioned for dance, rap and skating, he’d got no friends until he meets Jim and Yam, and when Jim starts having feelings for him, he wonders why he never felt something quite like for… Nobody; he deals with the fact that he does not acknowledge his true sexuality, leading him to consider himself asexual for a while, although he’s always thought Gastón Perida is pretty cute while also admiring the way Yam views the world… But Gastón. [Yamiro/Gasmiro].

»Simón is the stereotypical delusional fell-in-love-with-my-whole-life’s-friend kind of guy, reason why he follows his best friend Luna all the way to Argentina when she moves. Once he’s there, he confronts two things: how a guy called Matteo Balsano can either take his girl or take his heart. Simón is a good guy, he has really high expectatives from life, and sees everything in a cheerful, vivid sort of way, and that’s why he thought Luna was the one for him. Little did he know you can reach heaven with the devil. [Lumon/Sitteo].

»Jazmín is a goofy, extravagant person, the average popular kind of girl; she doesn’t like to define her sexuality because she doesn’t think it matters that much, or that’s what she told to herself when she liked her best friend Ámbar. Now that that’s over, she obsesses with the new worker in the Roller: Simón cutie-face Álvarez. [Jambar/Jazmon].

»Nina is a bookworm (at least that’s how she gets called at school). She’s smart, shy and likes graphic novels just as much as tea. Luna is the first friend she makes, well, ever, reason why she’s the only one who gets to know Nina’s biggest secret: the pathetic fall she’s got from Gastón, even though Luna thinks Pedro Arias suits her better. Nina and Pedro have been friends for a while, and Nina loves talking to him, but for some reason, she always falls for the losers. [Gastina/Pedrina].

»Gastón is a average teenage boy: he likes sports, girls (especially that girl Delfi, w o w) and music, but he also reads novels and textbooks, likes to dance a lot and watches the constellations every night with a telescope from his balcony. Small things he would never tell in general… But here goes another: The hesitant feeling he gets around Ramiro Ponce. Gastón has never doubted his sexuality before, of course that, he had never hung out with Ramiro either. [Gasfi/Gasmiro].

»Jim doesn’t know what the word “stop” means, and that’s why she gets constantly hurt by guys that does not deserve her, including her best friend Ramiro; after going on hiatus when Ramiro told her he liked her best friend Yam, Jim promised herself she wouldn’t fall for boys again, but good luckk was what she needed when Nico started tutoring her in math… oh Jim. [Jimiro/Jimico].

»Pedro is a smart, decent guy, and smart enough to know that Delfi would never like him, starting from the fact that she’s a Mean Girl™, which actually doesn’t bother him that much, but damn she’s pretty, as pretty as any girl could ever be… Except for Nina. Nina is an angel, he was sure of that. Pedro never wondered if he liked Nina, it wasn’t important, he wanted to have her in his life as much as he could, ‘cause she’s the best girl he’s ever met. [Pedrelfi/Pedrina].

»Nico helps Jim in math after she fails a test and he’s in the band and stuff (idc about him enough to make him a proper stoyline lol sorry, i just need him for Jim). [Jimico].

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cyansovereign · 8 years ago

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Relative Power Level

This blog generally takes place in a nebulous time period between the fall of Aizen and the fall of Yhwach. What sets Grimmjow (and technically Nel and Harribel too, but mostly Grimmjow) apart from Soul Reapers is that he doesn’t just get stronger from training, he also gets stronger from eating other souls. I have not yet decided whether Grimmjow will have a Segunda Etapa (although I am leaning in that direction). When I finish Bleach in full, I will update this post with the answer.

But since Kubo fucks up consistency with regards to power levels almost constantly, I’m going to stack Grimmjow up against the competition based on three periods of time: Introduction, post-Aizen, and post-Yhwach. Note that “stronger than” in the context below generally translates to “likely to win in a fight against”.

I’m going to establish the relative strength of Grimmjow when he was introduced, and then build from there.

GRIMMJOW’S INTRODUCTION:

Usually, anything pre-Aizen’s fall is this.

Stronger Than:

Kenpachi Zaraki - I’m not gonna lie: I unapologetically think (well, know) that Kenpachi is the weakest captain, and his battle data backs that up. His crippling overspecialization leaves him in bad shape.

Byakuya Kuchiki - Ichigo had to power up to the biggest threshold then seen in order to duel Byakuya Kuchiki, and managed to draw even with him. In comes Grimmjow, beating the living shit out of Ichigo without breaking a sweat.

Toshiro Hitsugaya - Hitsugaya’s relative inexperience and inability to control his power is really the only flaw he has, but it’s a big one. Toshiro struggled against Luppi, someone Grimmjow killed with absurd ease.

Sajin Komamura - The real weaknesses of Komamura’s fighting style were highlighted in his fight with Tosen.

Mayuri Kurotsuchi - Not a fighter at all. Long since established.

Rose - His powers are rather unsuited to fighting Grimmjow.

Love - His powers are rather unsuited to fighting Grimmjow.

Level with:

Kensei Muguruma - I’m highlighting this because Grimmjow would love to fight Kensei. Their skillsets are rather similar and Kensei is strong enough to give Grimmjow a run for his money.

Shinji Hirako - Shinji made pretty short work of Grimmjow when they fought--while using his Hollow Mask while Grimmjow had one arm. I think that the playing field would quickly start to tip in Grimm’s favor once Pantera was released, Shinji’s Hollow mask cracked, or both, but Shinji does still have his Shikai and an unknown bankai.

Jushiro Ukitake - Jushiro is one of the strongest captains out there and should by all rights be able to defeat Grimmjow relatively easily. However, I think his relative physical fragility hinders him, especially when it comes to his shikai--Grimmjow much prefers hand-to-hand, and would quickly resort to that once it became clear that Sogyo no Kotowari could absorb energy attacks.

Weaker Than:

Soi Fon - Soi Fon, on top of having an instant-kill shikai and a fucking mini-nuke for a bankai, simply has mastery over too many different areas for Grimmjow to believably defeat her. Her skillset is not only broad, but she is a genius in most of them.

Kaname Tosen - Only barely. I believe that, without Hollowfication, Tosen is only a little stronger than Grimmjow. But, still stronger.

Gin Ichimaru - Self-explanatory.

Aizen - Also self-explanatory.

Shunsui Kyoraku - [ cue Grimm cursing about how unfair Shunsui’s shikai is ]

Retsu Unohana - This is Unohana we’re talking about, Grimm’s toast.

Genryusai Shigekuni Yamamoto - Nope. Grimmjow’s not that stupid.

AFTER AIZEN’S FALL:

This is where most of my interactions take place, and is also where things get troublesome. It is around here that Grimmjow is in the “may or may not have” stage for Segunda Etapa. But whether he has one or not, he’s still immensely stronger than he was before, due to eating the corpses of Nnoitra, whose spiritual pressure was stronger than his, and Yammy, whose spiritual pressure was way stronger than his. Grimmjow has more than doubled in strength and should not be taken lightly even by the stronger captains unless it’s Yamamoto. He has also developed two new abilities:

Punta Huecos: “Hollow-point”. Grimmjow rummaged around in Szayel’s lab after the latter was defeated until he found plans on this new bala, and practiced it until he had perfected it. It leaves a severely painful stinging effect where it lands, even if it doesn’t penetrate, and takes a few minutes to shake off.

Traspaza Armadura: “Armor Piercing”. Grimmjow invented this bala himself, intentionally to prevent himself falling prey to anyone like Nnoitra Gilga ever again, and it’s sort of like his secret weapon. It’s a bala made of incredibly compacted and concentrated spirit energy and is designed to punch straight through defenses. It can blast straight through kido barriers and any spiritual pressure being used as armor, and thus tends to be of great effect even on enemies much tougher and stronger than Grimmjow.

AFTER YHWACH’S FALL:

This is where Grimmjow’s ultimate goals come in. This is the hinted general idea of some of my interactions right now; Grimmjow’s aims after Yhwach’s defeat is to consume Aizen, who is otherwise conventionally immortal, and become stronger that way. I say this, not because I want Grimmjow to be stronger than everyone else, but because Grimmjow wants to be strong enough to defeat Ichigo Kurosaki, and can only really do so at that point by consuming Aizen because Ichigo’s so absurdly powerful by that point.

Once Grimmjow carries through with that, he would become one of, if not the most powerful beings in the cast. Forget Segunda Etapa, this would give Grimmjow a freaking Tercera Etapa at the very least. But that’s really only important in the context of Ichigo--once Grimmjow wins the fight he wants to win, and forces Ichigo to admit defeat and inferiority, then he has at last gotten rid of the block that prevents most of his mellowing out and puts a stop to most of his character development. Grimmjow is a stubborn, stupid man, and absolutely refuses to give up or cool off until he’s achieved the goal he’s set himself on. But once he achieves it, Grimmjow can start to metamorph from hostile, ornery panther villain to the laid-back, overall friendly Arrancar that fanon often wants him to be and start to show all of the good traits he has potential for.

Basically speaking, Grimm will no longer feel the need to enter into fights with everyone who annoys him anymore, meaning from then on his strength will no longer be of much importance.

#this is a #long post #but it explains where i feel grimmjow stands #and why i want him to become stronger still #Chris.txt

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new-rituals · 7 years ago

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Money Diaries - End of March

Day One: 3/25

9 a.m. — I “wake up” - in reality it means I stare at my phone with one eye shut and lay in bed for another hour browsing Reddit and FB

10 a.m. — Finally decide to get out of bed, brush my teeth, and go to the kitchen. My mom bought me cheesecake from an Asian bakery! She’s leaving for China today, so I make myself 2 cups of espresso with soy milk and sit in the kitchen at chat with her until she leaves for her flight at noon.

11 a.m. — My friends and I were planning a trip to Seattle for my friend’s going away trip, and we finally booked the flight back (even though we haven’t bought our flight there yet)!!! My dad tells me to use his card cause he gets points. It was $118, but I give him $100 in cash cause I don’t have loose bills. He says its fine. $100

12 p.m. — My dad brings my mom to the airport, and I decide to try to get some interview prep done. I start by reading an article about Dropbox from the NYT since I’m trying to get into the habit of reading the news every day.

2:30 p.m. — I have work at 3:30, and it takes me a while to do my make-up and hair, so I retreat to my room to get ready.

3:45 p.m. — Finally head out for work! Another exciting day in retail.

6 p.m. — The store was crazy with terrible customers. I finally go on my 15 minute break and stop by Smashburger for a Neapolitan shake and rosemary fries. I manage to finish all the fries within 10 minutes, and I’m proud but disgusted with myself. $7.96

7:45 p.m. — I get off work 15 min late because the store was trashed. I’m exhausted and finally head home.

8 p.m. — My dad was waiting at home for me to eat dinner. We head out to a noodle place nearby our house. He pays.

9:50 p.m. — I notice a similarly priced flight that flies a little earlier than the flight we booked previously, and its to a better/more convenient airport. We all cancel our previous flight and book this one instead. It’s still charged on my dad’s card, thanks dad!

Daily Total: $107.96

Day Two: 3/26

9 a.m. — I wake up early so I can go to the library and prep for my 2 interviews. But first, I roll around in bed for a little bit.

10 a.m. — Got to the library right when it opened. I check for flights again to see if they’ve dropped - they haven’t. I start replying to emails that I received this morning, and commit to studying until at least 1.

11 a.m. — The girl sitting across from me is disgusting, so I switch seats to across the aisle.

1:30 p.m. — I didn’t get that much work done (ended up replying to a bunch of emails), but I decide to roll out so I can make lunch and take a quick nap before I Skype the BF.

1:45 p.m. — There’s not really any food at home, so I make a bowl of cereal and call it a day. I fall asleep on the couch while watching B99.

3 p.m. — I Skype the BF before work so I can get some interview prep in.

4:45 p.m. — I head out to work!! Yay.

9:30 p.m. — Work ends and I rush home. I take a quick shower and eat left over noodles for dinner. My friends and I saw that flights to Seattle from SFO have dropped by about 50 bucks, so we buy! They buy the direct flight and I buy the only indirect flight at the same time because it’s $15 bucks cheaper. I put it on my dad’s card and give him $150 in cash, but he only takes $100. $100

10:30 p.m. — I’m feeling really tired, so I decide not to do anymore interview prep and to just call it a night so I can be well rested. I lay in bed on my phone for an hour before I finally go to sleep.

Daily Total: $100

Day Three: 3/27

6:15 a.m. — My first alarm rings - I hate myself. I hit snooze on the next few alarms.

6:30 a.m. — I finally drag myself out of bed and head to the bathroom to brush my teeth, wash my face, and put in my contacts. Then I head to my room and play some B99 as I put on my make-up and do my hair.

7:30 a.m. — I was going to get coffee on the way to the Caltrain but decided not to. My dad drops me off at the Mountain View stop right as a train is approaching. I quickly buy a ticket and get on the train and manage to snag a seat. I’ll be expensing this ticket.

9 a.m. — Finally get to SF a few minutes later than expected. I call an Uber to the office I’m interviewing at. I’ll be expensing this ride.

9:30 a.m. — There’s way more traffic than expected. I tried to prep a little more on the Uber, but I was so stressed I can’t concentrate. I finally get to the office and use the lobby bathroom so I can change into my skirt and heels, then head up.

12 p.m. — So far, I’ve said some things I probably shouldn’t have said - but I hope for the best. 3 analysts take me and another interviewee to lunch at a really fancy restaurant downstairs. There are literally no vegetarian options so I order a chicken Caesar salad without the chicken. They order 4 apps that I cant eat, and then 2 desserts that we all split.

2 p.m. — We all head back up to the office so the interviewee and I can finish up our last 2 rounds of interviews.

3 p.m. — My interviews are finally over. I don’t think I did great, but I’m trying not to dwell. I change back into my pants and flats, chat with my friend in the lobby for a little bit, and decide to walk to Boba Guys for a treat.

3:30 p.m. — Boba Guys has a crazy long line, so I decide just to go home. I call an Uber to the Caltrain and tell my dad when I expect to be at the Mountain View station. I’ll be expensing this ride.

5 p.m. — I get to the Mountain View station and my dad picks me up. We head home, and he cooks up a few veg dishes for us.

9 p.m. — After napping, eating, and de-stressing on the sofa for a little bit, I decide to get to work. I review my notes about the company and a few frameworks for case studies.

10:30 p.m. — I’m tired and unmotivated. I brush my teeth and head to bed. I lay in bed on my phone for a little bit before finally falling asleep.

Daily Total: $0

Day Four: 3/28

8:15 a.m. — My alarm wakes me up and I get up to get ready for another day of interviewing.

9:15 a.m. — After finishing my hair and make-up, I head out to buy myself a cup of matcha so I can be caffeinated (but not jittery) for my interview. $4.90

9:45 a.m. — After getting back home, I eat a bowl of cereal while watching B99. Then I get to work and try to squeeze in a little more studying before I have to head out.

11 a.m. — My dad comes home to pick me up for my interview. We drive to the Caltrain and I buy a ticket (not re-imburse-able). $16.50

1 p.m. — We should’ve been in the city by now, but the train breaks down because of a problem with the power. I wait for 10 minutes before getting off the train with the bulk of everyone else, and call an Uber to the city. All the Ubers and Lyfts are super far away so it takes a while for them to reach me. $12.87

1:30 p.m. — I finally get to Blue Bottle! I go inside and snag a seat. I sit and study for about 30 minutes before I head into the bathroom to change into my skirt.

2 p.m. — I head over to the office site. I get there a little early so I sit and study for a little bit more. When the clock hits 15, I head upstairs to wait for my interview.

3:30 p.m. — The interview went terribly, and I come out of the office on the verge of tears. I call my friend to vent and cry a little bit, and she reassures me that everything will be okay and that it isn’t my fault. I’m constantly on edge with recruiting, and I’m just ready for the whole thing to be over.

4 p.m. — My friend who works in the city is able to take a quick (not-so-quick) break, so we head to Boba Guys and wait in the long line. We chat about my interview yesterday and today, and our future trip to Seattle. After we grab our drinks , we head back to her office. $4.50

5:30 p.m. — I try to call an Uber from her office, but there’s so much traffic that all the Uber’s take too long to get to me. I decide to walk to the Caltrain since it would take about the same amount of time.

6 p.m. — I finally get to the Caltrain and snag a seat. I text my dad to let him know when I would reach Mountain View.

7:30 p.m. — I finally get home! I feel disgusting and exhausted. I take a quick shower, and call the nearby pizza place for take out. I offer to share with my dad but he wants to eat left overs. $17.50

9 p.m. — Dinner and snacking time is over. I am trying to destress by watching B99 and Youtube, but it isn’t working.

Daily Total: $56.27

Day Five: 3/29

7:25 a.m. — My alarm goes off. At first, I wake up thinking that it’s so early, I can definitely go back to sleep! And then I remember I have work at 8 AM, so I get up and get ready for the day.

9 a.m. — My manager and I had to make a run to the bank, and I literally spend the entire time on my phone trying to stake out Fenway Park tickets for senior week. I feel bad, but I finally get them! $14

12:30 p.m. — Today was a crazy day at work. I swear at one point there were literally 10 strollers in the store, with babies crying left and right and the store getting trashed. I thank my lucky stars that I don’t have to clean up tonight, and head out of work for the day.

1 p.m. — After having a mental breakdown about my abilities and job searching, I heat up my left over pizza and eat it for lunch as I watch B99. I snack on some sunflower seeds, and then pass out on the couch for a few hours.

4 p.m. — I finally wake up and feel disgusting. I wash my face and put in some eye drops (since my contacts dried up in my eyes). I go to my computer and update my budget and cringe in pain as I see how much money I spent on food this month. I vow to myself to really rein it in so I can actually save some money for Europe.

7 p.m. — My dad comes home and brings Chipotle for dinner! I’m only able to finish half of mine, so I save the other half for lunch tomorrow.

Daily Total: $14

Day Six: 3/30

9:30 a.m. — I wake up, roll around in bed for a little bit, and then get up to head to the gym.

11:30 a.m. — My workout is finally done! I head home so I can shower.

12 p.m. — I heat up my left over Chipotle for lunch, and respond to a few emails. I got invited back by one of the companies I interviewed at for lunch, and I am super confused as to why because I was 100% sure that I bombed the interview and that the director did not like me. I respond saying that I am interested anyways and we schedule a time.

1 p.m. — I eat my Chipotle on the couch while watching B99. I pass out for like 3 hours.

3:30 p.m. — I finally get up off the couch. I remix my slime to make it less sticky and accidentally get some on the kitchen rug. I can’t get it off so I leave it, hoping that it’ll get less sticky with time.

4 p.m. — I retreat into my room to get ready for work. I only do my make-up since I’m feeling lazy.

4:45 p.m. — I head out to work.

9:30 p.m. — I love closing with one manager in particular cause she’s always in a rush to get out early, just like me. We leave about 15 minutes early and I get home. My dad’s not home, so I make myself a bowl of cereal and eat it in a rush since I have to head out soon. My dad gets home just as I start eating and I let him know what my plans for the night are.

10 p.m. — My friend calls me telling me that she and her boyfriend just broke up. She is not upset about it at all, which is good, and we use the time to catch up on each other’s lives. I chat with her as I drive to my other friends house. One of my friends recently got into her first choice med school, so we are celebrating! They were planning on going clubbing, but we decided to stay in and have a chill night instead.

2 a.m. — We ended up spending the night just chatting and watching tv/movies. We finally head home at 2 am, and I take off my make-up, wash my face, change, and get into bed.

Daily Total: $0

Day Seven: 3/31

10 a.m. — I wake up suuper late today because of how late I slept last night. I muster what little motivation I have to get up and get changed for the gym.

12 p.m. — I finally finish at the gym! I take a shower and heat up two Asian buns and eat two hard boiled eggs for lunch. Then I snack on some sunflower seeds before passing out on the couch for another 3 hours.

4 p.m. — I finally wake up and hate myself for sleeping for so long. This is one of the few weekends I have off and I wasted one by napping! I am still stressed out about job search, but I decide not to do anything about it today since I still need more me time.

6 p.m. — My dad gets home from biking, and after he showers and changes, we head out to a shabu shabu place for dinner. He pays - thanks dad!

9:30 p.m. — I do a little bit of job search since I’m bored and it’ll take some of the tension I’m feeling off.

10 p.m. — I finish up totaling my money diaries!

Daily Total: $0

The Breakdown:

Weekly Total $$ Spent: $278.23

Food & Drink: $34.86 Entertainment: $14 Home & Health: $0 Clothes & Beauty: $0 Transport: $229.37 Other: $0

#moneydiaries

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findingmyami · 7 years ago

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The V Word

No, not vagina. Vagina, vagina, vagina, vagina. Although I’m a big fan of people who have them.

The cringe inducing word to which I’m referring is “vegan”. It conjures a rather disagreeable image for many. Much like an alcoholic is imagined to be a homeless person with a paper bag, vegans are often thought of as waif like creatures with a distinctly crunchy style and earthy smell. They are weak, certainly not athletes, and they are proselytizers, not people one would desire to engage in conversation.

Now, I don’t know that I am the candidate to dispel this precise image. I have hippie genes coursing through my DNA and I get rather preachy when I’m feeling manic. Overall, though, I’m just a person trying to make the best life choices I can for myself and my family. As with other struggles I’ve overcome in my life, I do believe that my story can benefit others, though your decision to trudge the same path does not inhibit me in my own health journey. I will, as always, continue to do what I do, and help anyone who asks for my help. I have found that attempting to help people who don’t want my assistance leads to resentment and heartache and immeasurable, unnecessarily expended energy. Ain’t nobody got time for that.

So if you care to know, this is my story, as it pertains to food and my health.

My parents divorced when I was 5 or 6. My father was an alcoholic in the throes of a disease that told him to throw his family aside for the sake of the disease’s survival. Until his death at 51 (I was 19), I watched his weight climb and overall health decline sharply as he was unable to maintain any sort of routine sleep schedule or balanced diet, due to his workaholism and of course, alcoholism. He was a man with a brilliant mind, beautiful heart, and a sense of humor that could disarm the coldest individual. He was, however, trapped in a body that deprived him of a full life and robbed him of watching his children flourish, or meeting his grandchildren. I could say he was a great example of how not to live, but choice has nothing to do with my father’s life. Genetic predisposition is powerful and I inherited those same genes. His story could easily be mine without the blessing of divine intervention. It’s often hard to understand why I have the gift of carrying on to tell my story, while James Petkus’ story ended so abruptly. I do know that the ultimate sacrifice of his life brought me to my knees sooner than I ever would have got there. And if I hadn’t got there, I may not have lived much longer. The story is not mine to question, only to relate.

At the time of my parents’ divorce, my mother was going through a transformation that brought her to a new career in the holistic health field, as well as exploring healthier ways of feeding her family. A vegetarian cooking class in particular brought foods like tofu “meatballs” into the dinner rotation. I dined on hummus sandwiches and banana chips for lunch at my small Catholic school, jealously eyeing those with Oreos and PBJs. I was embarrassed by it all: by the food; by my mother’s lack of a “normal” job; by my father’s lack of ability to show up for his family.

My palate was refined. I ate every vegetable put in front of me, and there were many. My mother did a wonderful job of nourishing my body and soul. But sometimes, love and care is not enough. My genetic predisposition is to consume anything I can to excess in the hopes of quelling a raging internal storm of fear, doubt, and insecurity. Food soon became my shelter and my foe.

On the outside it was eating for comfort or out of boredom. On the inside, the shame cycle began in my early teens. Food fed my hunger, my loneliness and my low self esteem. Overeating (alone, as I preferred it) stoked the flame of self loathing. What started as a flicker, the obsession with body and my desire to control this thing I was trapped in, soon consumed me.

Losing my father was like losing any reason I had to maintain the facade of happiness and success. Coupled with binge drinking, binge eating and purging pulled me down into a morass of shame I was powerless to climb out of.

The things I did to myself I will spend a lifetime overcoming and forgiving. I hurt others, but I hurt myself in ways my broken soul could not withstand and did not deserve.

Help came in the form of rock bottom and spiritual enlightenment and angels on Earth. It was slow and treacherous and thoroughly painful. I was brought back from the brink and broken down completely in order to be built back up into the kind of person I always thought I could be. My life is a miracle. I am still unfolding and make so many mistakes and hurt myself and hurt others. The difference today is hope and an unwavering desire to seek and speak the truth in all its forms. Without the truth, I am sick and alone. I can no sooner turn a blind eye to the woes of this world, than tell a lie to save my own skin. As I work toward groundlessness I feel exhausted, and the urge to give up sneaks in. There is nothing left to hide behind. There is nothing left to fill me up and numb the pain. My eyes are wide open and the invisible line has been crossed. So here we are.

The difference between recovering from substance addiction and food addiction is that it is not possible to completely abstain from food. We need to eat to live! And therein lies the problem. We are eating beyond what we need to live and we are risking our planet, the well-being of other sentient creatures, and if we are honest, our own moral compasses to do so.

When I was 22, Tom and I backpacked Europe for 3 months. We were constantly walking with packs on our backs; we were starving and ate voraciously. It was the first time in a long time I was eating for fuel and not worrying about the calories. It felt exhilarating and was a much needed shift in my attitude toward food. We tried a great variety of cuisines in each country we visited. We did not discern. By and large we skipped fast food establishments, but our diet was heavy on meat and convenience. Along the way, I picked up a copy of Fast Food Nation at a free library in a youth hostel. It changed my life. It truly had never occurred to me (nor would I have cared during those 4am blacked out and slovenly McDonald’s excursions) where my food came from. In retrospect, it wasn’t my time. For so long I simply lacked the mental and emotional stability to safely process such information. The truth is painful. The truth is unsettling. The truth has slowly turned my whole world upside down.

I read as much as I could tolerate and stunned myself into vegetarian submission. It didn’t take much. A book simply entitled, 101 Reasons Why I’m a Vegetarian catapulted me into action. The image of Tyson factory farm workers torturing chickens haunts me until this day.

Almost 2 years into my vegetarianism (a way of life being lived alongside a partner who happily ate meat at almost every meal) I suffered a health crisis leading to emergency surgery and a long road of mental and physical recovery from the event. Soon after my surgery, my mother and I observed that I simply wasn’t healing. My wound wasn’t closing properly and my weight had plummeted. My energy was zapped. Reintroducing protein in the form of meat seemed like the logical answer.

Our culture tells us we need meat for protein, and milk for vitamin D. These lies are literally shoved down our throat from so early on, it can be hard to combat them with even the greatest of logic. If I had even scratched the surface of nutritional knowledge in my quest to eat better, I could have saved myself years of dieting, fluctuating weight and a constant feeling of lethargy. During the post-surgery sickness, I failed to examine the many ways proper nutrition evaded me that had nothing to do with my vegetarianism. A diet full of simple carbs, sugars and dairy, and low on fruits, vegetables, and whole grains, is a true recipe for disaster. I was depriving myself of whole foods and wondering why I felt I was dying a slow death. Meat was a seemingly much easier answer than the truth.

I am a master of deception, most adept in deceiving myself. After all of the knowledge and compassion I had amassed, I was able to shove it all aside for the sake of convenience and comfort.

During the many years I should have known better, I became a mother. Unfortunately for my children, health has a trickle down effect. I did my best, with the information I had, and now I am paying the price. I am detoxing my children off of dairy, avoiding meat at all costs, and begging them to eat vegetables of any kind.

More than even me, Zelda is reaping the benefits of my newfound knowledge and was the initial catalyst for changes I so desperately needed. After a disastrous effort at breastfeeding Louise, who was allergic to both milk and soy as a baby and ultimately survived on an abhorrent hypoallergenic formula, I was determined to do better with Z. Like her sister before her, Zelda was covered in an itchy, uncomfortable, red and often weeping rash from just a couple of weeks old. Also like Louise, she developed a desperate and sad case of acid reflux. Despite the many attempts to relieve her pain topically and through oral medicine, it became apparent the answer had to come from within. Up until she was allergy tested, I had great trouble with the elimination diet. For me, deprivation is a surefire way to ignite an inner rebellion, and I didn’t believe that after all the trouble I would get any clear answers anyway. No matter, the results of the blood and skin tests revealed conclusively that my baby was suffering from a severe milk allergy. The jig was up.

Some time during the latter months of my pregnancy with Zelda, Tom had done his own research and had taken action as part of his ongoing health journey. Even in his new role as endurance athlete, he ventured into veganism or “plant based eating” and was firm in his beliefs and his choices. He had found a new guru in Rich Roll, a sober, vegan, endurance athlete and brilliant author. As I listened to Tom’s retelling of Mr. Roll’s transformation, I was brimming with skepticism. However, as I was already giving up dairy, and had very complicated feelings toward eating animals, I made the transition to eating plant based. It happened slowly, but naturally.

During this new journey into eating exclusively plant based, mostly whole foods, I needed to add to my resolve. Convenience and comfort are the greatest demons in my fight to eat in a healthful way and moments of weakness were inevitable. I endeavored to read more articles as well as watch documentaries to add to an arsenal of protection that would keep me from making the detours I had taken in the past. What the Health, a documentary available on Netflix, was particularly enlightening and motivating to me. It is my first recommendation to anyone who is interested in taking a step toward improving her quality of life. Potent, powerful, and lacking in ghastly slaughterhouse scenes, the message gets across easily. All you have to do is listen.

Clearly, I am new at this approach to eating and am not a health expert. All I have is my story and my research, albeit condensed. Take from all of this what you will. Let it spark your own questions and a quest for your own answers. For now, here are the answers to the the most common questions I field when I broach the subject of my diet:

Where do you get your calcium?

I get the bulk of my calcium from kale. Stay with me. I start every morning with a giant smoothie. Frozen fruit is the overwhelming flavor. Kale merely provides color, but also the sought after nutrients, calcium being the one that most concerns people.

Where do you get your PROTEIN?!

Well, from black beans, chickpeas, lentils, wild rice, peanut butter, almonds, chia seeds, oatmeal, cashews, pumpkin seeds, edamame and tofu. To start. Spinach and broccoli are a couple of favorite sources, too. Yes, plants have protein! Per calorie, broccoli has more protein than beef, which is about 4.5 grams per 30 calories. Broccoli is also packed with amino acids, fiber, Vitamin B6 to improve your mood and is one of the best vegetables linked to fighting cancer. Take that!

Where do you get your Vitamin D?

From the sun. Turns out, you can’t get the right amount of vitamin D your body needs from food! This renders the need for dairy milk obsolete. It’s about as useful to us as monkey’s milk. (Ew.) On another note, new studies (not funded by the dairy industry) show that those who drink milk are actually at an increased risk for fractures. Strong bones, my ass.

How can you enjoy the holidays or other events?

Holidays and parties are not difficult. With just a little bit of planning, I never go hungry. And for the first time ever, I came away from this holiday season without feeling bloated and remorseful. It was incredible.

Can you go on vacation and eat like this?

Again, with the planning. Again, with the no remorse. We just got back from Disney World. I ate a good deal of vegan junk food, I must admit. But I did not feel deprived. Once I got over being that person who asks the food service person a few questions, the whole world opened up for me.

People often tell me how little dairy they consume. My retort at this point would be, try giving it up. It is only then that you will see how much you do actually consume. This is never more true than when on vacation. Case in point: At our lunch in Epcot, I conferred with my waiter about my meal preferences and ordered the vegetable soup. Soon after, a cook emerged from the kitchen to disclose that the vegetables were initially cooked in butter and I canceled my order. Milk is so pervasive, despite how many alternatives exist. Even choosing a bag of potato chips or crackers has become disturbing when I realize how often milk is unnecessarily included. So while I do find myself on guard, it doesn’t prevent me from eating. It just makes me a smarter consumer (and forces those Disney chefs to get creative).

In addition to these impossible tasks, I trained for a marathon while exclusively breastfeeding a Fleck baby (Have you seen them? They’re huge!) for 9 months, all while eating a vegan diet. Suffice it to say, veganism is not limiting. It is life saving and life sustaining.

It would be easy to quote sources and copy and paste disturbing facts and images, but I believe it is up to the individual to do her due diligence. Your body, your world, your responsibility. My takeaway from the information I’ve synthesized about living plant-based is this:

1.It’s the only true way to be an environmentalist. It takes 1,799 gallons of water to produce one pound of beef. And this is just the tip of the iceberg (or receding glaciers?) for what animal agriculture is doing to our planet.

2. It’s the best way to ensure being here for the long haul for my children. Of course, I could get hit by a car on my run tomorrow, but anything I do have control over I will do my best to harness in order to increase my odds of a longer life. And with a diet rich in ingredients that fight disease, and void of the foods that increase one’s susceptibility to disease (dairy and meat products are linked to various cancers, decline in cardiovascular health, high cholesterol, hypertension, Alzheimer’s and much more) I have more than a fighting chance.

3. As a self professed animal lover, it is hypocritical of me to eat animals. It’s that simple. It is only our culture that has lured us into believing that some animals deserve to die, while others get to be our pets. There is no rhyme or reason to it except that it is traditional, and breaking tradition is not easy. There is such a disconnect between the origin of our foods and what ends up packaged in the store and lands on our plate. Most people would not be able to stomach the process that gets animals onto our table. Eating meat is eating the terror an animal experiences throughout its life until its dying breath. The wish to live is as strong in them as it is in us. Through sheer brute force and selfish desire, we have stopped caring and stopped seeing this. It is the meat and dairy industry’s job to shield us from this. It is our duty to stop being willfully blind.

Growing up, my mother kept a card with this Goethe quote taped to the fridge. It bounces around my brain still, reminding me that my words and actions carry great weight, and that meaningful change can start with my own actions. I just have to start somewhere.

Whatever you can do or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it.

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indulgetouch-blog · 7 years ago

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Loss Trade Makes Large Positive aspects

As for a comparison of Nutrisystem vs Jenny Craig, JC is more expensive than NS however they are each very costly to affix. The implication is evident: if it is not for you, you may have 2 weeks to make up your mind - in any other case decide to 2 months to see if the program works. As you will probably read in different Nutrisystem weight reduction opinions, the style shouldn't be the one thing great about Nutrisystem foods. The food on Nutrisystem is fairly good so I used to be a bit shocked on the gas but now its gone, I'm actual proud of the food regimen so far. Soon after I saw that journal advert, I starting seeing tv commercials like this one claiming that the Yoplait diet is a great way to get your body prepared for something. The very best factor to do is educate your self on which food regimen is best for you and speak to your doctor earlier than starting it. Slimming capsules are dangerous, even when they're herbal, and they merely don't address the problems that cause you to overeat. I had, like all of us, seen these commercials where overweight girls appeared so amazing after doing Nutrisystem so you'll be able to think about my dismay when my very own body took a flip for the more severe after attempting it. As an fyi: I also stepped up my exercise and had no drawback with the meals itself by way of dwell within strolling distance of an organic produce retailer so we had lots of fresh stuff to decorate the meals up with. Prepared weight loss program meals can assist with portion management and so they can help hold you in your weight reduction journey if you're inclined to simply grabbing the easiest thing within the cabinet or fridge because you actually don't feel like cooking. Nutrisystem offers a weight loss program that's totally custom-made to the person buyer's necessities, whilst still offering the structure that many people discover they should shed weight successfully. Price to lose 20 pounds: $120 to $200 with the month-to-month pass, including membership and 12 to 20 conferences. Can You Get Nutrisystem At Clinics Or Doctors' Places of work?: I do have a number of of us inform me that they've requested their physician to prescribe this weight-reduction plan and have gotten very puzzled looks. Lunch was NutriSystem Tex-Mex rice and beans, another concoction in a styrofoam cup. Not surprisingly, the experts had loads of issues, and the Quick Diet landed toward the underside of the Finest Diets Total rankings. JC was a terrific plan, however I opted for NS as a result of I had a couple friends on this system they usually had great success. The idea is that whereas kids which can be tough over maintaining a healthy diet meals such as vegetables as an example, they are often extra easily satisfied to eat a healthy, calorie controlled meal from Nutrisystem based on their recognition of its TV presence and the hyperlink to its popular movie star spokesperson, presently the extraordinarily common Janet Jackson. And, if you determine the cost per meal individually as opposed to in bulk, it is not even humorous what a distinction this is. The Spark Solution weight-reduction plan is designed round nutritious, decreased-calorie meals that optimize your metabolism, together with an everyday health routine. There are three ranges of plan available, every of which incorporates totally different meals, and each carries a unique price. All variations of the Nutrisystem plans fall underneath the SUCCESS program and tailored to each particular person, whether that be diabetes, vegetarian, males's wants, girls's wants, finances wants, or another points. Critics of the eating regimen level out that during this system, you are not taught how to shop for, make, and prepare healthful nutritious meals. Disclaimer: Our opinions and investigations are based on extensive research from the information publicly obtainable to us and consumers on the time of first publishing the post. But until you actually have a genuine grievance with Nutrisystem itself, I don't need to learn offended or hateful comments or arguments particularly over what you see or don't see on TV. This is my site and whereas I let a lot of stuff go, I don't want it to show right into a free-for-all mud-throwing match. The NutriSystem diet is a food plan meal plan that would give attention to you consuming what you need but still shedding weight. Their findings, due to this fact, present that weight-reduction plan soda doesn't actually lead to weight loss - the truth is, it raises the probability of weight achieve, as well as of the development of plenty of weight-related way of life ailments. The customer service reps are all the time there to help and find the very best plan that is cost efficient and right for you.

I was starting this eating regimen off at a drawback as a result of I sent my nutrisystem breakfast husband out to the grocery to get all of the meals for me. I gave him an inventory, but I wasn't particular enough with it as a result of he got here house with Yoplait Unique as an alternative of Yoplait Mild, which is a significant element of this Two Week Tune Up. It was one of many fridge packs, which only has two flavors in it. Proper. Experts handed out a beneath-average three stars to the Engine 2 Weight loss plan Though they acknowledged its advantages for heart health and diabetes control and prevention, they faulted this system for being unnecessarily restrictive and gimmicky, and known as for more analysis into some of its claims. These are the objects which can be supposed to enrich the packaged meals from Nutrisystem. I simply opened my field of Nutrisystem D which I bought from Walmart which is suppose to contain a 7 day weight reduction kit. The vegetarian plan is also balanced nutritionally, to make sure that the dieter shouldn't be lacking out on any required vitamins and minerals. This weight-loss program has plenty of desserts to select from, together with puddings, chocolate cake, cookies, and shakes. Even with the variations, Nutrisystem fails miserably when it comes to high quality. In 2014, the company unveiled Nutrisystem My Way, its new, personalized plan for each individual's metabolism. Since nutrisystem has plenty of soybean derivatives, soy sensitivity is likely to be one to check out first. The aspartame in the soda performs a significant position in blocking IAP activity, resulting in additional weight gain. But considering I used to be eating out every single day, at a cost of usually $12 or more a day for lunch, I'm actually saving cash, even shopping for the grocery items. I made sure to call into Nutrisystem to clarify how the program works, the fee, or any further fees I must find out about earlier than buying, mentioned a buyer. They've an web web site on-line which makes ordering foods and checking ideas or pointers for this system quite simple. On the identical time, reading different individuals's testimonies and opinions of the Nutrisystem diet was encouraging and galvanizing, too. One of many explanation why NutriSystem is so widespread is as a result of the program doesn't deprive the dieters of fine, satisfying meals, akin to pasta and meat. Meal supply makes controlling energy simple however Nutrisystem does not prove it is higher than the competitors. NutriSystem offers a wide range of pre-planned menus, all packaged and ready to go. You possibly can choose from packages for ladies, males, diabetics, and vegetarians. I'm going to buy a Walmart fast 5 (?) box this weekend to see if I can jumpstart a weight loss. 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One thing I have observed specifically whereas following the Medifast program that has turned out, for me, to be even better than the burden loss is that my pores and skin cleared up and a lot of my GI Tract issues have disappeared. Hey RockyRose, it's nice to hear you're enjoying the weight-reduction plan and having great success with it. Sure you're proper: the secret to winning is sticking to the program (it doesn't matter what anyone else says or does). Nutrisystem meals are low fat, have excellent carbs, the correct amounts of protein and fiber, and now have Omega-three fatty acids. The Flat Belly Eating regimen landed in the midst of the pack as a result of most of its scores from the consultants were proper around common. There's a lot to like about this program as a result of it means that you can take two days off every week. You supplement the program with fruits and veg since that would not be excellent prepackaged. Preserving your weight-reduction plan in verify will help because to turn out to be truly toned, you may need to construct muscle and burn extra energy than you are consuming on the same time. The Turbo10 program consists of Turboshakes, the Firm's first ever line of shakes with probiotics to help digestive and immune well being and assist reduce stomach bloat. I had originally changed my plan to the plan where we do dinners on our own so my wife and I might start planning meals with meals that wasn't packaged - thinking it would be a superb transition. But, total, the program offers a managed weight loss program, while still providing some flexibility, which could assist with long run, sustainable and wholesome weight reduction. Embody all espresso drinks, merchandising snacks, meals out and estimated precise value of portions consumed at residence. 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NutriSystem Nourish: This puts the diet in your fingers, as it's a e book the outlines a one-month program for preparing your personal meals whereas following the NutriSystem pointers. I perceive desirous to try the meals and preserve costs down, however if you happen to feel like you may be putting a couple of order or be on the food regimen for longer than a week, then it doesn't make sense (at least cash wise) to order this fashion.

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