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hadesknockedupintheunderworld · 3 months ago

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Okay hear me out hear me out hear me out

Sonic who's litho and Tails who's demi

(Sort of headcanons/thoughts/au musing under the cut)

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Tails coming to terms with his desires regarding his best friend, wishing to hold and to be held, to kiss and to be kiss, to take care of and to be taken care of, to share as many domestic moments as one can, to take a shared adventure for the fun of it, to be intimate in a way only lovers could be, right?

And that's where the subtle horror lies in the slow realization of feelings.

To want to be like someone and to admire them is one thing. To want to be someone's friend is one thing. To want to stick with one person you like is one thing.

But to love and desire someone in that way is another.

Tails has kept watch over Sonic's relationships. He's known him long enough to spot trends in how Sonic acts. The rules, so to speak

Sonic always makes the first move. When others express interest in him (depending on the nature of the interest or how obsessive) he preens at the praise at best, treating this person like a fan, and runs away or his expression betrays his uncomfortableness/disgust at worse. This means Sonic has to be interested in you first.

Whether he even realizes the attraction himself or not, Sonic tends to start a bit strong, but this is because of his usual target (people who are able to match or challenge him in a fight). Even if the other person seems uninterested, he has no problem flirting and teasing a bit during altercations

Sonic's romantic relationships never last longer than a year at best

As one can see, the rules are a bit stacked against him to start (at least, from Tails' pov). He's Sonic's best friend and, while they do fight sometimes, that kind of role is hardly comparable to a rival or an archenemy. Sonic gets a specific look in his eyes when engaged in an interesting battle, banter rolls off his tongue like honey. He never gets like this towards Tails. There's no situation (whether during a shared battle or in his lab or when they're just hanging out together) where Sonic looks at him with that level of interest (at least, from Tails' pov).

Of course, Tails wouldn't want to be Sonic's rival anyways (best friend is the kind of role younger him had always coveted), but it doesn't mean he can't be a little jealous...

And of course Tails knows Sonic cares about him, appreciates him. That's never really been in question either.

It's just, in the end, even if his wildest dreams came true—if he confessed his feelings, Sonic reciprocated, they started dating and it didn't ruin their best frienship—how would it then pan out? In the end, whether Sonic would return his feelings is the least of his worries!

Because Tails has seen what happens.

One of Sonic’s rivals, for example. Before they got together, Sonic enjoyed teasing and flirting with them casually. And at the beginning of their relationship, they would race each other often (perhaps more often than they had before). It was their favorite form of date—to have a "friendly" competition, followed up by sunsets and dinner on the go. Really, they almost couldn't get enough of it. But then...things shifted. Sonic didn't enjoy racing them quite as much anymore. That passionate interest began to palpably fade, and the two began to disagree. Eventually, Sonic’s presence was more of a casual one. Tails could see that he enjoyed going out to eat with his ex and hanging out with them in general, but while that was all fine and good, his ex hadn't lost that passion. So with every poke and prodding and proposition for a race, Tails could see his ex become resentful in that Sonic didn't want to be this way with them as much as they used to. Eventually every "I don't feel like it" from Sonic turned into a fight ("when do you ever feel like it?" his ex would follow up with). In the end, Sonic’s ex is still fixated on him. While they wouldn't admit it, they want Sonic’s attention back. Even without being romantic partners, they still cling to rivalhood, challenging Sonic and showing off whenever they can. But Sonic... He doesn't take it so well. Someone who was once a rival and partner to him is now an annoyance—just another person too obsessed with him. They're still fixated on Sonic, but Tails knows Sonic would be happy if they gave it up. That relationship can never be the same again.

Sonic even had a childhood friend once—his very first relationship like that. Not that they're not friends anymore, but things are different now. There was a time where Sonic traded banter with this person often, those who knew them would remark how they fought like a married couple, and they saw the looks they'd shoot each other when the other wasn't looking. It only seemed natural to onlookers that these two would get together, and yet...it took some time. Sonic would be jealous when others pursued that person, and yet, for a while, whenever they pursued him or it seemed the perfect moment to confess, he'd run. For a long while when anyone (even Tails) would ask why he wasn't dating anyone, he would just answer that he didn't want to be tied down. But he eventually gave in, decided he had no choice but to confess his feelings, and (as everyone knew would happen) these feelings were reciprocated. In fact, a number of people even though the two had been dating for years before that. But...things didn't stay all sunshine and rainbows for long. The relationship ended with a (literal) slap in the face for his best friend. The two's interests and futures had grown apart, and even love couldn't change Sonic's nature. In the end of it, he still wanted to be a free spirit, a magnet for danger, a hero to the masses. Just like with that rival of his, though the relationship was seemingly passionate at first, Sonic couldn't sustain those feelings. Sonic's partner wanted someone for life, wanted him to choose their projected future, wanted to keep him out of such great danger. The fact that Sonic seemed to be losing those kind of feelings and interest he'd had when their relationship began was perhaps one of the final straws. And although Sonic and this ex partner are still friends these days, have mended their friendship, their relationship has never been the same again. Even Tails can see that they're friends, but they no longer share that banter, Sonic no longer concerns himself over that person's love life (he's more supportive than anything), and they don't spend quite so much time around each other anymore.

So this is what it comes down to. Even if Sonic does love him back in that way, even if Sonic wants to be with him too, even if he agrees to enter that kind of relationship with him, what use is there in hoping he (Tails) would be an exception to the rules?

What if things are amazing at first, and then over time Sonic begins to lose interest in him? What if those feelings disappear? What if getting together with Sonic ruins their best friendship because all interest has faded away?

What if Tails confesses only to end up as an ex who is a casual friend at best or an annoyance at worst (because Tails knows getting over Sonic would be near impossible)? Then it would be all his (Tails') fault, wouldn't it?

And that's exactly why he figures it's best to leave things as is. As long as he can stay best friends with him, as long as he can still be by Sonic's side through thick and thin, as long as they can still care for each other and be for each other as they are now, that's enough isn't it? In the end, Tails would choose a future where he's still at Sonic's side over having his feelings requited.

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As for Sonic, it does, admittedly, take a while for him to sort of realize those feelings of his. This is partially due to him being dense, but also because he's grown so used to Tails' presence. He's just used to the fact that Tails is always around, always able to be contacted, that the days are largely similar. It just never really occurred to him for a while that Tails could (or would) leave him for any reason.

But after enough times being separated from him completely, then dealing with enough minor jealousy as Tails expresses possible interest in others, it sort of just hits him one day while the two are hanging out (probably playing video games and eating chili dogs or something, or perhaps even while watching a sunset) that he wants to do this forever. He wants to continue this life where he can pull Tails along on adventures and crash at his place and relax with him and bust badniks with him and everything.

Long ago, back when he'd first met Tails, there was this bit of nagging fear in him. Even as he eventually would come to regard Tails as his best friend, for the longest time there was this nagging fear that Tails' admiration and wish to stick to his side would become...something else, and that Sonic would have to confront it one day, potentially risking their relationship.

It's almost weird now thinking that he truly wouldn't oppose the idea of Tails confessing to him (if Tails does indeed feel the same, but Sonic doesn't know for sure). Perhaps it wouldn't be bad (even if cheesy) to live out a fantasy of the first kiss, where Tails confesses and Sonic tenderly steals it...

But pretty soon a new kind of horror sets in—a new "what if".

Because, you see, though he can still count the number of exes on his fingers, Sonic has never had a relationship like that last more than a year. Things always start out great! All Sonic wants to do is be around this person as much as he can be, and that person shares the sentiment. But then as Sonic finally settles in, tension eventually follows. That person becomes increasingly more frustrated in him, and Sonic himself comes to realize that he no longer wants to spend every waking moment with them. He's busy, he has things he wants to do (sometimes alone), other people he wants to hang out with. He doesn't mean to leave this person in the dust, he's just not quite as interested in them as he used to be. And apparently that's a problem

Sonic has never cheated, not once. Maybe he can be a bit of an ass sometimes, but messing around with other people while he has a partner is not his thing. But...this doesn't matter either. Eventually the accusations come—that he doesn’t love them anymore (not true), that he isn't as interested in them anymore (something he can't really refute once he starts to think about it), that he's probably looking at other people (not true).

So inevitably, Sonic can no longer take the tension and facilitates the breakup, or this person breaks up with him (an event that's never better than bittersweet)

In short, that obsession that attraction that attachment—it all begins to fade eventually, no matter how close he is with that person. He often doesn't want to just break up with them (again, just because those feeling start to fade doesn't mean he doesn't love them or cares about them less), but it's an inevitability. People logically want to be with someone who loves them just as much as they do in the same way that they do, and Sonic just...can't seem to live up to that.

If he and Tails started a romantic and/or sexual relationship, could he even place hope in the fact that Tails would be the exception? He knows in his soul that even if these feelings of his began to change or his interest in this way began to fade, he'd never just stop loving or caring about Tails altogether. Best friend or partner in romance, Sonic knows he'd still want him at his side.

But with his track record, who could guarantee that Tails wouldn't grow resentful of him too as things began to change (compared to the very start of that kind of relationship)? And would he really be able to blame Tails? After all, most people want someone who will be just as interested in them as they are in the same way that they are. If Sonic can't always promise that, then isn't it doomed from the start as it always is?

Not that he's never had thoughts such as these before, but in his last relationships (since those people seemed to be cut from similar cloths as him personality wise) he'd been willing to take the risk in hope things would be different. But he doesn't want to lose Tails—can't. What would be the point of solidifying a relationship like that with Tails if he lost his best friend in the process? At that point, it would be all his (Sonic's) fault, since he knew this would probably happen.

So this is why Sonic decides it's best to leave things as they are. As long as he can still crash at Tails' place, come to him for strategical or technological advice, take him along on adventures, bust badniks with him, play video games with him, be his best friend and have him by his side, isn't that better? Isn't that enough? In the end, Sonic would rather take the future as it comes (deal with the possibility of Tails leaving him one day) and get to have him by his side now than have his feelings requited.

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But I'd like to imagine that, one day, the two can't ignore the whatever it is going on between them. The moment is scary, and admitting those feelings doesn't bring as much relief to either of them as it should. They're both apprehensive about starting that kind of relationship for their own reasons. Should they really "get together" simply because the feelings are mutual?

And so starts this weird gray period of the nature of their relationship. They're still best friends for sure, but neither has decided they want to be in a declared state of "dating". If anything, at first it seems like the two have gone right back to trying to exist like normal (business as usual), hang out like they always do, treat each other like they always did before. The only difference in this case is that the feelings are requited now.

But things begin to shift and change during this gray period no matter how hard they try. The two end up sharing their first kisses, every interaction carries a bit of a different weight than before. If it's even possible, more than before people mistake them for a couple, especially their friends (who can't really understand why they're not, even if they try to be supportive for the most part).

And yet, while feelings, their actions, etc seem to make everything undeniable (as if they're dating all but officially in name), Sonic can feel it come on. He can see the signs, recognize that those once undeniable feelings of attraction (romantic or otherwise) is beginning to fade away, meaning that it's only a matter of time.

Meaning that the last thing they should do is "get together" now, because Sonic can't promise Tails those feelings that were so strong before.

And Tails realizes it too. It actually scares him a bit at first, already seeing the signs. He can't help but fear that it's inevitable—that Sonic will lose all interest in him and grow apart from him. It makes him feel like an idiot. Even if back then there was no way to keep those feelings between them wrapped up and hidden, he feels like an idiot for confessing at all—like he should have found some other path. This whole thing, it makes him want to cling to Sonic even more, though he fears making this all worse by being too clingy...

But, fear aside, things do turn out okay.

I'd like to think that one day they wake up in Tails bed together, Sonic brushes Tails' bangs aside, gazing at the fox's expression before he opens his eyes, and feels that though his feelings have undeniably changed, it's just that. Though those kinds of feelings began to fade away, his love did not. More than ever, even though he doesn't love Tails in the same way he did a while ago, or even before he came to feel for him romantically, he cares for him so so deeply. He still wants Tails to be with him going forward.

And yes Tails sees it—the way Sonic has grown more casual, doesn't seek out kisses as much, isn't quite as clingy as he used to be—but his fear begins to let up as well. While he will perhaps keep that nagging fear of Sonic leaving him forever, even Tails comes to see that Sonic has no intention of breaking their friendship. Where Tails once was afraid they'd naturally grow apart and bitter as Sonic's feelings faded and Tails would be clingy by comparison, he sees that Sonic's feelings haven't really faded—not truly. They've only just changed.

Things are undeniably different from before, but Sonic seems to want to be with him still. He still wants him by his side as much as he can have him. Though he's more casual in his expression of feelings, Sonic is still interested in what Tails has to say, he still enjoys making him happy. In fact, somehow, Tails almost suspects Sonic has begun to love him more than before despite the shift in their relationship and in Sonic's feelings.

They were both so afraid things would naturally end in failure, but they cared for each other, and they accepted each other as they were.

Maybe the two decide to officially become partners one day ("partners" in a way that elevates their existing partnership to a status which coveys that they want to live out their lives at each other side, no other types of feelings or actions or life choices inherently implied), perhaps because Sonic (despite not having those large feelings of romance anymore) still doesn't want Tails to choose anyone else but him

And maybe the two don't! Even if they don't label themselves as dating or in any type of partnership society and others recognize as "inherently stronger" than best friendship, they're still best friends and partners. They're still going to spend their lives together, happily doing the things they always do as long as the universe allows it. No matter who comes and goes into their lives, their bond is a constant presence.

In the end, it no longer matters whether Tails has romantic/sexual feelings and Sonic doesn’t, or whether they give themselves conventional labels or not, or whether other people can grasp their chosen relationship or not, or whether it's a "glorified best friendship", or anything else. All that matters is that despite the nature of any feelings involved, they choose to be together.

#sonic the hedgehog #sontails #unbreakable bond #tails the fox #miles tails prower #i just be ramblin #I kinda played a bit fast and loose with what canon it is here #tbh I was running off of an idea that kind of mixes game canon and idw canon and some archie canon #but largely with the example of Sonic's exes #in this case I went with Sonic/Jet (as I like to headcanon the two as being exes in idw just based on how the two act and Jet's picture of #himself with sonic torn out of the picture) and with Sonic/Sally #but yeah this is an interpretation of Sonic and Tails' feelings towards each other that is a bit dear to me #partially because I genuinely love to interpret a potential relationship between them as sort of a complicated one or qqp where Tails does #have romantic feelings and Sonic's aren't romantic but not wholly platonic either and with them being best friends on top of that #anddddd partially because I'm projecting my relationship with romance/sex onto sonic a bit #can't help it #Anyways by god I love them they make me insane the thoughts do not cease they mean everything *head in hands* Sonic and Tails #qqp #queerplatonic sontails

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bromcommie · 9 months ago

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Sokovia falls in spring.

Much of it is blurry now, forced into oblivion, but he remembers that part with vicious detail - the unassuming, forgettable prelude to hell; Lazarus Saturday, the intermittent tinkling of bells down their cul-de-sac and the heavy wet air while he sat out on the wide expanse of the balcony, sipping on his lukewarm coffee and sneaking a rare indulgent cigarette while the house was empty. It'd done little to ward against the chill of the morning, the kind of cold that broke him out into consistent goosebumps and seeped down into his bones, seemingly misplaced in early April. The metal railing stuck to the warm skin of his forearms when he leaned over it to peer idly down at the street, to where snow had accumulated in front of the row of brand-new luxury apartment buildings; all alike in their appearance, all that same shiny glass and metal and blinding white that had become popular in the last fifteen years, fifteen years too late in regards to the rest of the world, and that would fall apart in about as many. All laid out like a poor man's idea of opulence and a stark contrast to the unkempt street.

He'd hated it initially - hates it still, really. The cheap sterility of it, this sign of the times made palpable infrastructure that was devouring what was left of a once beautiful neighborhood, clashing with the old, dilapidated villas and steadfastly grey communist architecture. But Sandra had said, it's a peaceful neighborhood. There's a good school nearby. Sandra had said, There's a life for us here, love, and it'll be a good change of pace. Look how beautiful the view is from up here. Sandra had said: just because you grew up in exile doesn't mean Miho should.

And she was right. So a pristine-white, new-century-cold castle on the hill it was. He could still fit his dream of a future in Sokovia into a different shape, he told himself; what mattered was what was inside, anyway.

He'd watched as a gaggle of children slipped and skittered their way downhill from the international school, kicking the stray willow wreaths that had slipped off the heads of previous passersby back and forth until they'd get stuck in the muddy slush, and found himself wishing again that he'd gone with his wife and son to visit her mother in Kralyev Pole. But he was scheduled to go back to Vienna in the morning - it was a familiar rhythm by now - and Sandra had just pressed a firm kiss to his cheek and said we'll see you back home at Easter in a purposeful, loving tone that almost got lost between the distracted flurry of packing and her distant eyes.

Looking down at the murky palette of the street below he'd wished, not for the first time, that it'd all felt a little more like home. That he wasn't itching to be back on that plane out of the country the second he landed, a feeling amped up to 11 the second his family had set foot outside the building.

But then again, Novi Grad had never been his home; not really, not in any way that mattered.

He'd been in a foul mood already when his father called, the glaring absence of sound from the open double doors behind him and the grey sky pressing down over his head like a steel trap setting his teeth on edge. He'd let the phone ring and ring for almost a full minute before guilt had finally, inevitably, won over.

Their conversation had been relatively brief, caught between perfunctory and utilitarian, much like all of their other phone conversations since he'd started splitting his time between Sokovia and work abroad. They talked about the unexpected snow, about what is to be done for the anniversary of his mother's death, about whether Mihailo would like a BMX sports bicycle for his birthday. He'd tried explaining that his son still didn't really know how to ride one well - that at eight, the five-speed he already had was perfectly fine, thank you, but it's a nice thought. His father had just scoffed.

"You were never athletic as a child either, you know. Never climbed trees with the other children. Always too afraid of falling, I suppose," he'd said mostly to himself, and then, "If the kid actually had someone around to teach him, maybe he'd be learning faster."

On a different day, he might've let it slide. On a different day, he wouldn't have let the sentimental old age in his father's voice feel like a personal affront. "Nobody ever taught me, and I learned just fine."

This wasn't necessarily true. For most of his young life, Zemo had been coached by a wide plethora of professionals: French, German, Latin, shooting, violin, tennis, horseback riding, mountaineering, art, diplomacy, you name it - he'd had a teacher for every single one of the skills his parents and his surroundings had deemed necessary for a young man of his stature, and eventually, with more or less effort, he'd excelled at all of them; but never alone. There'd been Katya, the au pair that practically raised him in his childhood, young herself and lost in a foreign country and still the warmest presence he'd had in his life. There'd been Oeznik, who'd governed him with a much stricter hand than his own parents, but who had guarded Zemo's life with his own nonetheless.

It's just that things like big-game hunting and history lessons took precedence over things like bike riding and soccer, which was just as well, really. He never liked being mundane.

At the Academy it was a different story altogether. Unnoticeability, the skill of being no more interesting than the person next to him, only came later, and at a cost.

"Just make sure your Germans let you out in time for Easter," the old man'd muttered, "if they even recognize that sort of thing."

He remembers that part clearly, too, that bitter emphasis: your Germans. Like Zemo'd picked the wrong thing to do with his abundant time and money, the wrong way to employ his very specialized skill set, the wrong side of the family to lean into; like his name and heritage were something he'd picked himself and not something that was hammered into him by way of memorization, that he was taught to take pride in and embody down to the last detail. Like this mild-mannered, West-oriented young man who spoke German and a handful of other languages softly but deftly, who subsumed all his wilder impulses and hid his smoking and all his other dirty habits from his family and from the world behind a courteous smile wasn't an inadvertent yet nonetheless direct creation of the man on the other end of the line. A prince and a baron, turned a lowly gastarbeiter.

"They're Austrian," Zemo'd said simply. "Look, I have to go - Sandra and the kid just came in. I'll talk to you later."

It's not the last conversation he had with his father, but it's the last one he rememebers. Subtle judgement, the smell of smoke and cold and stale Turkish coffee and all those little clear bells, ringing, ringing, ringing: Lazarus rising, just to fall a week later.

Novi Grad falls on his son's birthday, the 11th of April, the day before Easter. It takes everything else down with it.

This was not the first time Novi Grad had fallen. Historically, this wasn't even the first time it’d suffered this extent of loss of life. But it was the first time the ruins were cauterized before something could grow from in between them like weeds out the sidewalk. It was the first time that what was lost was acknowledged as such: dead, gone, our condolences for your loss. Nothing more to be done.

There’d been excuses, of course, and platitudes spoken by the feeble remaining government, echoes of the UN and NATO and the EU he'd learned to recognize as empty long before he started working in security consulting:

We empathize greatly with all Sokovian nationals in this trying time. We’re doing everything in our power to stabilize the situation. We’re doing everything we can to never let a catastrophe like this happen again. It’ll just take a few weeks, a month, a year or two or five to rebuild, but patience is of the essence here.

We’re all very horrified, you understand. There aren’t enough resources for everyone, you see. It’s a very complicated situation, there’s no one answer here – now’s not the time to be pointing fingers. But we’re doing everything we can. We’re sure it’ll be enough.

Daće Bog. That’s what his mother used to say – like a vague handwave to ward off all the legitimate fear and anxiety before it can ever take root in her body, in her home. If she saw even a glimpse of it in her son’s face she’d take it as a clear sign that she had personally failed somehow, which would, exacerbated by alcohol and pent-up emotion, upset and anger her more than the original problem itself. Zemo'd learned how to bury and snuff out these embers of fear very quickly.

There's talk of persecution of royalist dissidents abroad - God will protect us from the infidels, you'll see. The regime changes and the country plunges into economic crisis - so what, it'll pass, God willing, and then we'll be able to return. Yet another war breaks out, nothing but a parasitic twin to the last, devouring the country from the inside out and draining off fresh blood – well, it's nothing new. it'll be alright, God willing we'll get the bastards before they get us. Crkli dabogda.

And he’d just nod his little head and allow, very neutral, very acquiescing for the tender age of nine, thirteen, sixteen - sure, of course, it'll all be fine. Much later, he'd adjust the poorly-fitted camouflage greens that would squeeze too tight around his neck and say in that same steady tone of voice into the payphone receiver, Don't worry, mama, don't worry, it'll be taken care of. Daće Bog.

That’s all she’d ever say on the topic, or any topic really. God save us, God willing, God will provide – that was her eternal refrain. Well that and, just you wait until your father gets home, if she'd perceived him to be acting up somehow - more often than not by virtue of sheer existence alone.

This was, of course, yet another half-truth - his father never really took to beating him. There were always bigger things to worry about, things that belonged to the grander picture - too wide for him to fit into as an important variable and just manageable enough to squeeze into his young body like a manifestation of a future his father was pouring all his hope and dreams into.

Either way, the fear was there. The fear of disappointing, of coming up short to the ideal of what a son should be; it was all it took to keep him in line. Father, God – they became two sides of the same coin, the same promise of impending judgement. Both instilled far more trepidation in him than comfort.

It’s only when the bulldozer finally digs up what remains of their old country estate and he can pull his father’s unrecognizable, mangled body into his lap – so small and frail, when did his father get to be so small and frail? – that he thinks: what was I so afraid of all those years?

*** Excerpt from my Zemo character study - turned out to be much longer than a snippet, but I got carried away. Still very much a WIP, but thought I might as well post it until I figure out where I want to go with it.

Translations: Daće bog - God will provide, God willing Crkli dabogda - may they all die, God willing gastarbeiter - (German) foreign or migrant worker

#VERY MUCH A WIP. jesus christ #i know zemo's wife and kid technically have german names in mcu canon but I've decided to ignore this #sokovian language and history heavily yet loosely based on yugoslavia with some mixing with other regional influences. to be developed #anyway! this needs so much work fml but the general idea's there.#helmut zemo #helmut zemo fic #my fic #ficlet

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