#this is a love letter to the use of Evan by Eddie because only he and Maddie know how to use it

[1doesnotsimplyhavejust1fandam]

Something that I’ve thought about several times since the lightning episode is the fact that Eddie only yelled out for Buck. He never said Evan. In fact, I never even considered that he might have used Evan, not even when I first saw the promo they released of basically just Eddie yelling for Buck (still such an insane promo). And it’s both easy and kinda difficult to explain why I think Eddie didn’t shout “Evan”.

The easy part: if Eddie actually had used Evan, I think it would have confused even dedicated fans of the show. He’s only ever used Evan once before, and nobody would’ve thought it was a normal occurrence, even for a horrifying situation like the lightning strike. I actually appreciate that they didn’t have Eddie (or anybody) call Buck “Evan” during the lightning strike, because it helped drive home the familial love point of the coma. I think he was full named by coma!Bobby, and irl!Athena, but he gets called Evan by his parents and Daniel while in the coma. And it’s meant to be a reminder that Evan is for the people who don’t know Buck. Daniel because he died, but his parents because they simply didn’t care to make the effort. Maddie and his fire family did make the effort. And so none of them call him Evan in this episode.

The hard part: the reason Eddie used Evan in the Will scene was to grab and hold Buck’s attention. To tell him that what he is saying is one of, if not the, most important things he could tell Buck. He says it to make Buck listen, to make sure Buck actually hears what he has to say. I don’t think we’ll see Eddie use Evan without that type of justification. And storming up the ladder with an unconscious or dead Buck is not enough for Eddie to need Buck to listen. This is especially significant because it also means that Eddie using Evan will be a sign for the audience to listen to Eddie too. Buck couldn’t hear Eddie use “Evan” while he was dead, and Eddie isn’t in the habit of mincing his words when it comes to telling his best friend the important things.

This post is meant to break down my thoughts about the lack of “Evan” shouting by Eddie, but also to get excited about the very distinct possibility of Eddie calling Buck “Evan” during a love confession! Even though there has only been one incidence of Eddie calling him Evan, it is clear that the meaning changes when in Eddie’s mouth. And I can’t wait to see how the meaning develops if and when it’s used during the love confession.

[another-buddiefic-blog]

All Timers

These are simply some of my faves. Fics that I love that I constantly go back to.

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here’s my confession (I’m kind of hooked on you) by donationwayne Word Count: 114,199 tldr: the hot dilf from the bar is my new work partner

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Unlikely Friendship by oncemorepaperback Word Count: 167,730 Eddie starts dating Ana Flores and people are upset. Poor Buck is just confused and was happier when people were less interested in his love life. Shannon Lives AU

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Left Unsaid by C_M2 Word Count: 33,431 The discovery of a small facebook group full of tsunami survivors rocks station 118.

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will someone please want me? by LVRBOY Word Count: 3,136 Everyone is someone's baby. Christopher resigned to being nobody's. He was always special, this was no different. But it couldn't be fair for Buck to be nobody's baby either. It only takes a tsunami to realize that Christopher has been Buck's forever.

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When you need a little love, I got enough love to share by heroic_pants Word Count: 12,878 At a party with some friends, May leans in to the college experience a little too hard. At 2 am, drunk and high and emotionally spiralling, she calls the only adult she knows who might not judge her, and doesn't have kids to disturb. Someone who might unexpectedly just the right person to help her out….

----- we found love right where we were by Polish_Amber Word Count: 70,004 Or, the one where May ensures Buck is enfolded properly into the Grant-Nash clan, which means Bobby (and by extension the firefam, because gossip) suddenly gets significantly more insight into the inner workings of the Buckley-Diaz family, and all roads lead to Buddie…

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Got Your Measure by thelonggoodbye Word Count: 5,568 Hen is relatively certain she has their new probie, Buck, figured out. Him saying he has a husband throws her for a loop, but who hasn't lied to a naked man in handcuffs flirting with them before? But Buck only gets more confusing from there.

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ive finally caught up to you (finally caught up in you) by pbandjeremiah Word Count: 13, 585 or, evan buckley is bobby's son, may and harry's big brother, hen's little brother, and the dad to two incredible kids (eventually)

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Those Two Firefighters by DarkFairytale Word Count: 75, 850 #thosetwofirefighters starts to gather a following on social media, as everyone tries to figure out if those two cute firefighters from the 118 in LA are a thing or not.ters starts to gather a following on social media, as everyone tries to figure out if those two cute firefighters from the 118 in LA are a thing or not.

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Eyes On You by sealeviathan Word Count: 1,060 Or: The fic where Buck blatantly lusts over Eddie. Hen and Chimney worry they're about to witness a marriage-ending move because Buck failed to mention that Eddie is the man he's married to.

----- All the Different Ways to Say I Do by schrijverr Word Count: 349,576 AKA: Secret marriage of convenience buddie slow burn AU, where Buck and Eddie have been married for years so Buck could adopt Chris and no one at the 118 knows.

Eddie and Buck lie about their relationship and the reveal is a big part of the plot, however, before the reveal happens there were so many moments where everyone could have found out. So, these are AUAUs on the main verse where people find out. (I've been calling them AUAUs, because it sounds like a siren when you say it out loud).

----- Away From Us by Marchling Word Count: 76,165 After the lawsuit Buck is doing his absolute best to try to win back his family but nothing is working and the hope is starting to hurt. He makes the the decision to resign from the 118 via letter and leave LA to start something new in Arizona. And that would've been fine except a fire burns down his entire apartment building that morning and the letter never makes it to Bobby. When Buck isn't found amongst the survivors his loved ones have to accept that he died in the fire. A presumed dead story about forgiveness, grief, second chances and falling in love.

[buckadoodledoo]

fuck it friday

tagged by @dangerpronebuddie <3 haven't done one of these in a while but. i started writing this one months ago and now i'm like. well wow. should really finish this because. eddie really might be going to texas. (part of the buck drowns fic btw)

Buck waits, chugs down some more wine while Maddie's eyes flicker over the letter, once, twice. Finally, she sets it down on the counter, looks up at Buck and says, "I think you need to go to El Paso." Somehow, all at once, it's exactly what Buck wants to hear, and exactly what he doesn't want to hear. There's a relief that washes over him, like a warm, sunlit wave. But then— "You think I don’t want to?" Buck says, sets his glass down. "God, Maddie. I feel like I—like I'm going five rounds in a ring with myself every day just to not get in my car and drive." "Okay." Maddie looks at him. Careful, soft, gaze intent. "So why don’t you?" "Because," Buck argues. Because. "Because he asked me not to." "Did he?" Maddie asks. She slides her fingers over the letter, delicately. Like it's something precious, like—like she knows it is. To Buck. Then pushes it back over to Buck's side of the counter. "Because I just read the note, Buck, and I don't think he did." Buck swallows, reaches for it, for those familiar creases, the distinct indent of Eddie's scrawl. Did he? "I–well, okay. Not–not specifically," he agrees. Because it wasn’t—Eddie didn't ask. But it was— "He said he needed time. So I can’t. I can't be this person, Maddie. This—this needy, clingy person who chases him across states. That's not who he needs me to be." "Or it's exactly who he needs you to be." Maddie covers his shaking hands. Shaking. God, when did they start shaking? "I think he needs you to go after him, and I think—" Maddie pauses, soft pads of her fingers pressing against Buck's skin. Then, "I think the only reason you haven't is because you're afraid you're not enough to bring him back." Buck shakes his head, can't quite make his throat and mouth work in tandem to refute her. The words twist and churn in his chest, his stomach. Like a pinwheel. Sometimes, it's uncomfortable, just how well Maddie knows him. "You—you really think I should go?" "Buck," Maddie says, then softer, "Evan," the way she used to say it when they were kids. When she needed him to hear what she meant. "This is a love letter. You do know that, don't you?"

tagging @thatbuddie @sibylsleaves @inell @absolutelybifurious @standback

[thegirlwholovesficcharacters]

𝑳𝑶𝑽𝑬 𝑳𝑬𝑻𝑻𝑬𝑹𝑺 Evan "Buck" Buckley x shy!Femreader!

Summary: In where y/n write Love Letters and send to her crush in a anonymously way, and thanks to eddie magic, she ends up revealing her identity as Buck's secret admirer.

Words: 2.201 Warnings: Mentions of insecurities, misunderstandings, attempts to make funny dialogues, a lot of fluff, buck being a cutie and eddie being a annoying best friend. Cursive are for her thoughts.

Autor's Note: Hello!. English is not my first language, and I apologize if there are any grammatical errors, you may find translation errors since I have little knowledge of English and mostly use Google Translate.

PD: There will be a second part because it was too long, and I want to keep it as one shots. Also, I think i got a little sidetracked with the love letter theme, but I liked how it turned out. What do you think?.

Y/n wasn't sure how this crush started. But she was sure of one thing, and she like Evan Buckley, a lot.

His smile, his hair, the ways he trated the kids when they come for a excursion his ambition for the ciencie and the silly moments he made when the team is working. There was so many things she likes about him, but she was so shy and scary of talk to him, even if he was the one who talk to her on the recess, she always find a way to run and hide, not because she doens't wanted to talk to him.

She was trying not to say anything emabarrassing in front of him or the team.

So, to convey all his feelings and thoughts, she had started writing love letters secretly. A rather romantic and old-fashioned way for her taste, but it helped her clear her mind. She felt like Lara Jean of all the boys I fell in love with, but instead, she didn't have five cards for different boys.

No, she had written too many letters only for one boy.

Letters that she sent him anonymously, she did not dare to tell him what she felt in person, she was not sure if he felt the same as her, but she was sure of one thing, and that was that, every time Buck opened his admirer's letters a big smile invaded his face. And y/n couldn't help but feel how her heart warmed up and began to beat uncontrollably every time she saw his smile.

That damn beautiful smile.

"You know, you can take a photo of it so it lasts longer" Eddie appeared in front of her wearing a mocking smile, almost amused at seeing his partner and friend's cheeks turn red as she was caught admiring the Buckley boy.

"Shut up Diaz" She muttered embarrassed as she was caught by her friend.

Eddie chuckled, setting a cup of hot coffee on the table right in front of her, the girl murmuring a soft thank you before blowing on the liquid and drinking some of the coffee.

"So…" He spoke looking at her, she raised an eyebrow.

"So what?" She asked.

He rolled his eyes.

"When are you going to tell him? You know…" He commented, surreptitiously pointing at Buck, who was leaning against the kitchen counter reading the letter with a stupid smile on his face.

Y/n stopped herself from smiling at Buck's cute image, she looked back into her friend's eyes and quickly denied knowing what he was referring to.

"I'm not ready yet." She wrinkled her nose, leaving the cup on the table. "Besides, I don't think I'm his type. Girls like me almost never date guys like him." She spoke, pointing between her partner and herself.

Hearing her, Eddie couldn't help but grimace and shake his head. He sat next to her and looked at her with a small sparkle in his eyes.

"Darling, we've already talked about that. You know you're beautiful just the way you are, right? Everyone knows that." The girl couldn't help but feel her cheeks burn.

"It's easy for you to say it, because you are my teammates and friends. But it's different when it comes to the person I like" She murmured towards him, Eddie sighed knowing very well what she meant.

He had known Y/N since he arrived at the station, she was one of the many people who introduced herself and offered him friendship, she helped him adapt to his new life in the city, and when he felt safe he introduced her to Christopher and Gosh, that kid adored the adorable woman in front of him. Eddie knew that his friend had insecurities about her body since she was young, she confessed it to him one night after going out to a bar with the team and Eddie had to take care of her, he let her stay at his house and hugged her when she started to cry.

If there was something that firefighter Díaz hated, it was seeing his best friend cry because of the bad comments about her body, about her thick thighs, her wide back, the stretch marks and especially her stomach, y/n wasn't skinny or tall, she had a medium build and a height of 1'60.

Eddie always made sure to make her feel comfortable when they had to train or helped her practice boxing.

He offered her a shoulder to cry on and his ears to listen to her, but he knew that no matter how hard he tried to help her overcome her insecurities, he had to give her space, he was one of the first to know her story. He was the first one she went to when she needed help with her car, he was the first to see her cry, the first to support her in her little secret about the anonymous letters and the first to know about her crush on Evan Buckley.

And Eddie Díaz promised himself to protect her from everything bad, even if it was the Golden Retriever he had as a best friend, Buck.

Eddie let out a small sigh before speaking.

"Hey, I was thinking..."And just as he was going to speak, the station's sirens started wailing.

Both friends looked at each other and got up at the same time, leaving their cups on the table to go with the rest of their companions and get on the pumper.

The moment 118 arrived at the emergency scene, the group of firefighters began to do their work, and y/n was next to Eddie looking for anyone who was trapped inside the house destroyed by a fire.

Although right now she would prefer the company of hen or chimney, so as not to have to listen to her friend's chatter about her crush on evan buckley.

"I'm just saying, you could, I don't know. Ask him out? Like coworkers?" Y/n rolled her eyes when she heard him.

"Stop it, Eddie. I'm not going to tell him yet. And I don't think he'll accept it."She responded in an irritated tone, both friends continued walking and checking every corner". Also, what could I say to-"Without looking down, Y/N quickly stumbled, falling sideways to the ground.

"Shit"

Eddie, like a good friend he is, laughed first and then a few seconds later helped her up, earning an annoyed grunt from her when she heard him laugh.

"Be careful darling." Y/n thanked him with a gesture and stood up, shaking her uniform.

Rememberyng what she was about to say, a big smile invaded in eddie face.

Oh no, not that horrible smile, she say mentally knowing tht smile was dangerous.

"Go on, tell him what? What would you ask?" A mocking smile appeared on Eddie's lips and she rolled her eyes. "Tell meeee, oh, practice with me!" He begged in a low voice without removing his mocking tone.

She looked at him, confused by his request, until she saw the playful glint in his eyes and finally understood what he meant.

For heaven's sake, someone kill me, she thought internally. Knowing that he would not stop bothering her, she decided to do it.

"Okay, okay. Here I go." She swallowed, she looked at her friend and feeling brave, she placed one of her hands on his shoulder.

Observing that gesture, Eddie raised an eyebrow and prevented himself from letting out a laugh.

"Hey, handsome I've been in love with you for along time, and I wanted to ask you, do you want to go on a date with me?" She asked in a seductive tone while batting her eyelashes, and earning a laugh from the firefighter which he muffled when he felt her hand hit his chest.

Avoiding a laugh, Eddie composed himself and looked at her with a seductive little smile.

"Yes, I would love to go out with you, my beautiful and hot firefighter" He answered in the same tone as her, avoiding breaking down with laughter, she rolled her eyes but still smiled."Would you like to move to second base tonight, doll?”He mocks by throwing kisses into the air.

"Oh my god, shut up!, you asshole!" She exclaimed hiting eddie's chest. Eddie just looked at her and laugh, not feeling offended by her insult.

Ignoring eddie's laugh, she give a one last look around, she sighed when she saw that there was nothing left to rescue.

"There's nothing here ed" she muttered to her partner, she looked in her pocket for her walkie tokie, when she found it she press the button "Captain Nash. Here firefighter Y/L/N, there's nothing left, no one else, or anything to rescue. Just charred wood" Spoke to her captain.

"Okay, Firefighter Y/L/N. You can get back in the truck, the patients are already on their way to the hospital" Their captain announced from the other side, both firefighters nodded to themselves.

"Copy that, cap." With that, she cut off the transmission and followed Eddie out of that destroyed house.

As soon as they reached the group and began to return to the station, Eddie spent the entire trip giving his friend mocking glances every time he saw her look and pay attention to what Buck was saying, clearly, y/n ignored his friend and she gave hall full attention to his partner, who was talking animatedly about a fact about reptiles he found on a website.

Eddie, who was next to Chim, pushed his shoulder next to his, drawing his attention. Having Chimney's attention, Eddie surreptitiously pointed to Buck and Y/N.

They both looked at each other and smiled knowingly, Eddie might know about her secret of the anonymous letters, but for the team, it wasn't a secret that Y/N liked Buck. That is to say, how obvious could she be and how blind could he be to not notice.

"Hey buck" Eddie called, when he heard his friend he stopped talking and looked at him confused "I heard that your anonymous admirer sent you a letter, any clue as to who it could be?" He asked feigning interest, at the mention of the letter, Buck smiled goofily.

Seeing his goofy smile, y/n smiled the same way at seeing him smile, completely ignoring the amused looks her coworkers were giving her.

"Well, I haven't started my search yet. But I think I have one" he commented to his friend. Eddie looked at him curiously and nodded.

"Really? What did you find?" Chimney asked this time.

Having the eyes of his companions on him, Buck felt his cheeks heat up and let out a small laugh.

"Well, the letters have beautiful handwriting and every time I open them a scent of lily perfume comes out. So, I guess the clue is that this person uses lily perfume" He explained, remembering exactly the smell of the perfume.

Y/n watched Eddie smile at her teasingly.

"Oh, wow. That's a great clue, buck," Eddie commented, Buck smiled and nodded energetically. "I guess you need help looking for more clues, right?" He smiled innocently at his friend.

Buck seemed to think about it. "Well, I-"

"Great. Because I have the best at solving mysteries" He spoke, the group looked at him raising an eyebrow and y/n wanted to hang from the ceiling of her apartment with toilet paper.

Buck smiled excitedly. "Really? Who?" He asked curiously without removing his excitement.

Eddie tilted his head and flashed a huge smile at his friend.

Oh no. Why me? Why me? She lamented to herself as she noticed his plan.

“Y/n, dear?” He called, ignoring the knowing smiles of hen, chimney, and bobby, y/n looked innocently at her friend and smiled fakely.

"Yes, Eddie?" She asked, getting the girl's attention he smiled.

"You're one of the best at mystery board games, maybe you could help Buck with his little anonymous mystery?" He asked in a neutral tone, pretending not to know what he was getting into.

"I...uh, well I think..." she stammered, scratching the back of her neck nervously as she felt their gazes.

She moved her head in the Buckley boy's direction. Big mistake. y/n couldn't help but feel the little tug her heart gave as she saw his blue eyes shine with a little hope.

Damn, why does he give me that look?

Feeling too much pressure from her friend's teasing gaze and her crush's hopeful eyes, y/n let out a quiet sigh and nodded.

"Yes, of course. Why not?" I accepted with a nervous smile, Buck smiled excitedly.

"Cool! Thank you so much, y/n!" The blonde thanked his partner without removing his huge smile.

Y/n could feel how that smile made her melt inside.

Across the seat, Eddie smiled proudly to himself, completely ignoring his friend's murderous look.

Damn you edmuno.

And damn Evan Buckley's beautiful wet puppy eyes.

And above all, damn the huge crush I have on Evan Buckley

Y/n was screwed, and it was all thanks to Eddie "Fuckin" Diaz.

What a asshole.

[starseneyes]

A Fan Letter to Oliver Stark & Ryan Guzman (that they will never ever read)

I haven't been a part of active fandom in a while. Between health issues, work issues, and raising three incredible, neurodivergent, beautiful humans—I'm spent.

But I wandered into the Buddie tag via Destiel a few weeks ago, and I was immediately curious about Evan "Buck" Buckley and Edmundo "Eddie" Diaz. I saw the GIFs, the clips, the theories, and scenes.

Before you knew it, I was looking up backstory and watching videos on YouTube trying to get a complete picture of why so many people were so invested in this fictional relationship after all these years.

Slash shipping isn't new. I mean, you can tell how old I am because I even referenced that (yes, older than both Oliver Stark and Ryan Guzman, and both are younger than my youngest brother—eep!).

But we're talking about a ship that formed between two characters perceived on-screen as straight for many, many years. Buck only fully recognized his bisexuality in recent years, and to-date Eddie still firmly tells everyone he's straight.

And as I drifted away from the "Buddie" scenes to the "Eddie" and "Buck" scenes, I started to get a more complete picture of why folks are so invested. It's my favorite reason—because these fans love Buck and Eddie.

Not just "Buck and Eddie", but "Buck" and "Eddie".

Both are very flawed characters who make major mistakes, who lash out sometimes or keep things in too much. They've been dancing around their demons so long that it's hard to know if the fiery pit is friend or foe.

And we love them because of what you, Guzman and Stark, bring to the screen.

You are two actors who are passionate about your characters—who can recognize things in them that sometimes others might miss. You don't simply deliver lines, but find the moments between the action lines and dialogue—creating rounded characters that intrigue and excite.

I know the "Buddie" of it all may seem overwhelming. Y'all're tremendous performers and that relationship is only one part of the complex characters you portray.

I'm new here, and I'm nobody. Just a set kid who grew up to be your garden-variety rando writing fan letters on a website that will never be read. But, from what I've seen—you two are tremendous.

Stark, the complete embodiment of Buck is stunning to me. You've mastered not only transforming vocally from Brit to Yank, but the physicality of a character unlike anything I've seen in your interviews—a human being rather than a constructed character.

Guzman, the minutia is where you shine. Eddie is very often reserved and controlled, but even in those moments I can look at your eyes on the screen and see waves of emotion crashing through. When you're able to really break down, those moments feel earned and never false.

From what I can see, Season 8 has been about growth for both characters. Eddie actively pursuing his son, standing up to his folks, and repairing a rundown home—putting it together as he pulls together the pieces of himself. And Buck, facing so many of his greatest fears—including losing his father-figure to death and his best friend to another state—and learning how to let go.

Yes, we'd love to see part of the growth of Season 8 be Buck and Eddie growing towards one another because, alas, we are shippers (those of us who ascribe to Buddie, of course).

But I'm one of those viewers who loves a ship most when it never ever outshines the characters within it. And, so long as the writing holds, I don't see that ever being an issue with Buck and Eddie.

Shipping Buddie right now is a rebellion. It's seeking joy at a time when queer love and LGBTQ rights are under attack in this country. And, yes, we recognize that much as we want this ship, we may never get it.

But, please know, we ship it because of you, Stark and Guzman. Because of what you bring to the screen. Because you've made us believe in these characters and identify with them (damnit, I see so much of myself in Eddie). Because we truly love Buck and Eddie.

I want joy for Eddie. I want real love for Buck. And much as I'd be overjoyed for them to find it in one another, I'd be thrilled for them to find it at all.

So, thanks for bringing to life two incredible characters that make us believe that good things can still happen to people who by others' standards are too broken, too damaged, too traumatized.

After the 18-hour days, the Fraturday schedules, the quick turnarounds, and day-for-night shoots, you're probably exhausted. It's a lot. And I know there's some toxicity out there with fandoms and that's part of fame and fortune—but that doesn't make it any easier.

You're still human beings. People. Performers, yes, which may put you more in the public eye. But you are actors committed to your characters—not to only one facet of them.

So, I imagine it can be overwhelming when such a large subset of your fandom so strongly roots for one component—a potentially romantic relationship, no less.

So many actors I've admired over the years lamented being shoe-horned into the "romantic partner" roles and characters. I think most of us performers (yes, I was an actress back in the day, just not like y'all) yearn to play complex, multi-faceted characters.

Buddie wouldn't be what it is without Buck and Eddie—without you, Stark and Guzman. Your performances made us give a damn about these characters. How you breathe life into them makes us care about what happens to them.

Shipping is brutal. I was a Janeway/Chakotay shipper, for goodness' sake. So, it's possible Buddie may never come to pass.

But, in the meantime, it's nice to hope. It's nice to wonder.

It's nice to believe that there might be a chance at seeing two incredible characters find their way to one another—not to a relationship that defines either one of them, but to a relationship that grows and matures with them as a piece of who they ultimately are.

At least, that's my hope.

And, either way, I want joy and love for Eddie and Buck.

Signed, A Slightly Unhinged, Over-Tired Human Who Loves Complex Characters and Overly Lengthy Signatures

[bidisasterevankinard]

Tommy gets from his shift late at night, basically in the morning. The day was long and night even longer. All he wants now is to fall in his bed and sleep for days.

Opening the door, he's met with silence and a bunch of envelopes near it. He is ready to leave it for tomorrow, but his inner perfectionist doesn't let him leave the mess. He gets it up.

He quickly looks through all of them, noting that all of it's just ads or bills, except the last one. Beautiful baby blue envelope with the handwriting he still remembers as if he saw it yesterday and not a year ago.

Evan.

It's Evan's letter.

Tommy doesn't know why man writers him that way. Using paper and envelope and real mail and not any of their friends. Man knows Tommy has weekly get togethers with Eddie and Chim. Or not on the next barbeque, where they will meet again, like all the time over the last years. Tommy hopes he has to solve his health problem and finally get his weight back. It's sad how Evan was just a ghost of his old self when Tommy saw him over Christmas.

Actually, Tommy doesn't know why man writes him that way. What did he want to tell Tommy that they didn't tell when 118 closed them in the closet in Han's house and didn't let them leave till they got closure? Till they got the understanding why they could never work.

Why does Evan need to write to him?

Tommy weighs the idea about leaving the letter till he wakes up, but his heart is not beating easily without knowing what Evan needed to get on paper and send him.

He opens the envelope. Inside he finds the paper and the photo.

It makes him tear up. The photo is their selfie after they buried Billy. On the outside he can see another handwriting: my happiness.

Tommy swallows, taking a letter in his hands, he sees dried dots if someone was crying when writing.

Dear Tommy,

Hi! How are you? I'm sorry that I'm doing it that way, but I couldn't make myself text or call or come to see you. Because I was afraid. Afraid you would love me just because I'm in pain. Only because I'm in pain. And I had enough of it in my childhood. But I also was afraid you won't be around. It was easier to leave you out. Just as a memory. A good memory. Best memory.

Anyway, if you're reading this, then I'm already dead. Leukemia. Was diagnosed not long before Christmas. It's actually ironic that I'm dying from the same thing that killed my brother and nothing can help.

Ironic and painful. I'm not gonna lie. It's really painful. And not even the treatment or that it doesn't help. No. Painful is that I still have so many things I could live for, try and find, but I don't have time.

But at least I had time to love you. Like I never did with anyone. You're my greatest love, Tommy Kinard. The way you made me feel is unbelievable. Indescribable.

I'm so lucky that I loved and was loved by you. The photo I'm giving you is the moment I had the first “oh! I'm falling for him”, but actually I was falling since you flew us into a hurricane. Thank you for kissing me and giving us those incredible 6 months. I've never been happier. Only with you.

You kissed me and showed me the real me. You showed me I can be loved. And that I can love people.

I know you had reasons to leave. And please know if not for my diagnosis I'd try to call you on New Year's eve, offering you to come and give us another chance. Give you that decision to make.

I hope you forgave me for taking this decision from you. But I can't make you see me dying. See me in pain. See me losing myself. I can't. It could break you, baby. So hard. It's better you find out like that. Maddie or Chim would call you about funerals. Please come. Because I need you to let me go like we did for Billy. I won't be at peace without your goodbye.

But I'm saying it first. Goodbye my love and please remember that I loved you till my very last breath. You were so loved, baby. Please let people love you in the future.

With love,

Your Evan

Tommy falls on his knees, holding the letter close to his heart. He can't see anything. Everything's so blurry. He just cries and cries, screaming in the night.

The sun is rising. The new day is coming. The day he's going to live, knowing that Evan would never call him again.

[sweet-sammy-kisses]

Baby, it's yours

Written for @bratbuckbash as a gift for @Thegirlwiththekite Title: Baby, it's yours Fandom: 9-1-1 Pairing: Buddie Rating: E Summary: Buck attends parent night with Eddie and meets Ana, he isn't impressed and isn't afraid to let his bratty side come out. Eddie makes it clear to Buck that he wants no one else while reminding him that only he gets to see Buck's bratty side. Author Note: I don't think it is Ana bashing just her canon self. But it could be seen as bashing and not kind to Abby.

Also on ao3

Evan ‘'Buck’ Buckley will be the first person to tell you how easy it is to fall in love with Eddie Diaz. He knows firsthand. The moment he laid eyes on Eddie changing his shirt, those abs on display that Buck wanted nothing more to lick and bite before begging the man to pin him against the nearest wall and fuck him into it. Okay, so it was lust at first sight then a week later he was head over heels for Eddie.

He can admit he fought hard, very hard. He was still loyal to Abby, the first person he gave his heart to. He waited faithfully for her to return while falling deeper in love with Eddie and building a family with Eddie and Christopher. He wanted to wait for Abby to return to break up with her as he felt like it was something that needed to be done in person given how much they meant to each other. Given that he didn't meet Abby again until she returned engaged to another man without telling Buck it was over unlike Buck sending at least a letter through her brother after trying every other way of getting in contact with her to tell her he was sorry to do it this way but he had fallen in love with someone else and it wasn't fair to keep pretending that she still had his love. It wouldn't be fair to either one of them to keep pretending they had a future.

Despite Buck knowing how he feels about Eddie he doesn't do anything about his feelings for Eddie in the beginning, not when Eddie's estranged wife Shannon returns and Eddie believes that he owes it to both Christopher and Shannon to fix their marriage and give Christopher his mother back. It was Shannon who pulled Eddie aside and made it clear that they were both different people who had fallen out of love with one another before she left trying to recreate something that was long gone would only hurt them and most of all hurt Christopher. She was back to fix her relationship with her son and to work out being co-parenting with him, and nothing more.

Shannon smiled softly at Eddie, at the man she once loved as she gently cupped his cheek. “Eddie, I will always have a special place in my heart for you, you gave me my son and were my best friend. What we had is gone, both of us have changed and our hearts have found new loves,” Shannon glanced 9ver Eddie's shoulder to where she could see Buck playing with Christopher, she smiled as she watched her son toss his head back and laugh a sound she had greatly missed. Her smile grew as Eddie turned slightly to see what she was watching and she saw the pure love shining in his eyes.

It was one of the hardest things to do but Eddie somehow turned his attention from Buck and Christopher back to Shannon who was giving him a knowing look. “It really is over between us, isn't it?”

“It is but that doesn't mean we can't still be friends.”

Shannon ended up meeting and falling for Ail, the woman Buck and Eddie had saved during the earthquake. Shannon often joined Ail when she needed to be out of town when it didn't interfere when it was her time to have Christopher. Christopher greatly approved of his mother's girlfriend. He liked Ail in part because she treated Christopher like he was more than his CP and because she made his mom happy. He even got to come along when some of Ail’s out-of-town trips happened during his breaks from school.

Shannon was a big help after the truck bombing when Eddie and Christopher decided that Buck needed to move in with them. She helped Buck to his therapy appointments when Eddie or anyone else of the 118th was working.

They became friends. She, May, and Karen also ended up winning the pot when Buck and Eddie finally got their act together.

+*****+

Buck did not like Ana Flores and he had only met the woman once. Shannon had been unable to attend parent night at Christopher's school after she had come down with a cold and didn't dare risk getting anyone else sick so Buck had been thrilled when Eddie asked him to come with him. Everything had been going fine until Ana Flores and her rather ableist views had entered into their lives, and she also spent the time flirting with Eddie.

Buck had wondered how his fiancé could be so blind at the fact that Ana was into him and when she laid her hand on Eddie's arm for the fifth time that hour well Buck had enough. "Well thank you for your time Miss Flores but I think that covers everything and I think it is time that we get back to our son."

Ana blinked as if just remembering that someone other than Eddie was in the room and she flashed Buck an insecure smile. "Oh, of course, it was nice of you to bring a friend along Edmundo."

"I'm his fiancé, and it's Eddie." Buck snapped at the woman.

"Oh." Ana blinked in disbelief.

"What is that supposed to mean?" Buck was at the end of his patience with this woman.

"It's just that Edmundo was married to a woman," Ana said as if that explained everything and maybe to her it did.

Buck bristled. "There is such a thing as being bisexual and some people don't figure out their sexuality until later in their lives."

"I don't mean to be insulting." Ana raised her hands as if trying to calm a wounded animal.

"I'm certain that you didn't. Thank you for your time, Miss Flores, I am glad to hear that Christopher is doing so well in your class and I know Shannon will be happy to hear as well. Come on Buck, it is time to go home." Eddie calmly rose to his feet and gave Buck a look.

Glowering as Ana practically beamed at Eddie's praise Buck followed Eddie out of the room, with Eddie's lower hand on his back guiding him out of the classroom.

Somehow Buck managed to keep his tongue until they got into Eddie's truck. "Can you believe her? Trying to limit what Christopher can do and then being all over you when I am sitting right next to you? And acting as if bisexuals don't exist." He scoffed in disbelief.

"I agree about her wording when it comes to Christopher and the limits she thinks he should have we are his parents and talk to him about what he can and cannot do without some aid. But you can't deny that you didn't act out there a little bit." Eddie smoothly commented as he gazed at Buck. "You were starting to be a bit of a brat."

For a moment Buck could only stare at Eddie and then he felt his face flush as Eddie raised an eyebrow at him daring him to deny the truth of his statement. "She just pushed all of my buttons."

"I understand mi sol, she had no right to ignore you and yes I didn't appreciate her flirting with me or ignoring me telling her I didn't want her to call me Edmundo but that was no reason to start being a brat with her. You know only I get to see your bratty side. This means I am going to have to punish you when we get home."

Buck felt himself growing warm when Eddie promised to punish him, he loved it when Eddie brought out his dominant side. "What do you have planned for me?"

"I think I will put that pretty mouth of yours to work," Eddie commented as he smoothly pulled out of the parking lot. "Have you on your knees as you keep your mouth full as I make a few phone calls informing everyone about how Christopher is doing in school then the real punishment will begin." Eddie grinned as Buck's whimper reached him.

+****+

Eddie drank in the sight of Buck's face who was lost in pure bliss, his hands turning white from the hold he had on the headboard behind him.

“You are such a good boy for me, Buck. Knowing that you can only come from my dick and my dick alone.” Eddie purred. "Say it, baby. Tell me who you belong to," Eddie ordered as he sucked on the mark.

"Yours, Eddie, only and forever yours."

“Good boy.” Eddie praised. "Now why are you being punished?"

"I was jealous. I was being a brat."

"What do you mean baby?" Eddie's voice held an edge of softness to it.

"Because she is someone your parents will approve of."

Eddie's fingers wiped away the tears that fell from Buck's cheeks. "Then that is their problem because she isn't someone I would ever be interested in not when I have you. The moment I met you I was gone, especially since you were such a brat that first shift, I wanted nothing more than to put you over my knee and spank you then take you against the nearest wall until you were screaming my name." The two exchanged a loving kiss, "You are mine and I am yours as it has always been destined to be."

"I love you Eds."

"I love you too Buck."

The sound of flesh on flesh filled the air as the two lovers lost themselves in their new relationship.

It wasn't until Eddie sensed that Buck was near the edge did he spoke again, “I want to do all kinds of things for you those first few days. Now I can. Our next night out with our friends find a nice dark corner or hell, the bathroom or an alley where anyone could see us where I can get you on your knees and you can use that pretty mouth of yours to suck me off. The next time we have off and Christopher is with Shannon, I can fuck you all over this house. I can't wait to see you ride me on the couch. Mmm, a nice lazy dad where you keep my cock warm until I decide I want that ass of yours. On that day I'm going to fill you up with my come and plug you up and you won't be able to come until I say so.” Eddie's voice was dark and seductive as he laid out all his plans for Buck.

Buck came with a cry of Eddie on his lips. Eddie came moments after him branding Buck as his.

Buck's smile was soft as he ran his hands through Eddie's hair, “I want that Eds, all of it.”

Eddie claimed Buck's lips in another soft kiss, “I know you do baby and I am going to give that to you and more. You deserve the world and I am going to start by making you my husband.”

Buck's moans filled the air as one of his hands gripped tightly on the bed sheet and the other hand struggled to keep the phone steady. The headboard was slamming hard against the bed frame as Eddie thrust in and out of Buck.

"Look at you, so hungry for me. You are beautiful like this. You were made for me. It is going to be so hard for me to keep my hands off you at work. We might have to find a secluded place where I can fuck you against the wall. Stuff you full of my cock when I need to see you on your knees. God, I can see you ride my dick in the back of the engine. Us sneaking around finding all the places they would never look for us. I don't know how I am going to be able to handle our 48-hour shifts now that I know what you sound like when you are taking my dick." Eddie sped up his thrusts.

"What about me in my harness?" Buck asked his voice breathless in a way that it only ever is with Eddie. It was still on their to-do list.

A groan escaped Eddie, "We are going to have to find a way to sneak it home one night."

Buck's blue eyes sparkled, "And Cap can't say anything I am certain that he is sneaking things home for personal use, I am going to have to ask May."

Eddie groaned and it wasn't from pleasure, "Do not bring up your adopted father and our boss in bed again. Now do you think you have learned your lesson?"

A thoughtful look appeared on Buck's face, "If your lesson was to tell me not to be a brat I'm not sure it worked, we might have to redo the whole lesson."

"With pleasure," Eddie growled out. "I am going to make certain that you can't walk or sit down for the next few days.

Buck couldn't wait.

+*****+

The next time they ran into Ana was only a few days later at a local market where she took one look at Buck's rather marked-up next and the way he was limping and the smug look Eddie still wore and turned around and left the aisle without saying a word to either of them.

[spectaculardistractions]

To Marie-Laure and Charles de Noailles Paris, 17 March 1932 Very dear friends, I’ve been wanting to write to you for some time now – since receiving Charles’s letter – but these last few days I’ve been very busy with endless surrealist complications. I’m also tied up with ‘dubbing’ work for Paramount. I spoke to Giacometti the other day about the surprise Charles mentioned in his letter: he has agreed to prepare it with me and we’ll keep you informed. As for Crevel, he told me he would write to you. He came for supper at my home on Sunday, with Mrs Cuevas and Ortiz. Naturally, we spoke of nothing all night but the latest complications with the group. For rather complicated reasons, a new splinter group has formed consisting this time of Aragon, Sadoul, Unik, Alexandre, Giacometti and me. This split was caused by the publication of Breton’s Poetry’s Misery. Dalí wrote to me from Cadaqués: he now represents the extreme right wing of surrealism. It’s all so sad and you can imagine the terrible time we are having. Frankly, the Marseille business did not go well. That Mr Castelli took two months to decide to pay me 2,000 francs, and I see from your letter that the takings came to 13,000. The same with Belgium and Holland. As they don’t want to pay me more than 1,000 francs per screening, I’ve spent the last month writing to them. Everyone has the same excuse: limited screenings due to censorship. I should like to know what you think, and whether you would prefer I just keep the film with me here, rather than let it go at that price. I still think that had the censors not intervened we would have recovered the production costs; Braunberger was saying the same thing a few days ago. The film has also been requested by Prague. If you have a moment to write, I’d be grateful for more specific details about the kind of surprise you would like so that we can get on with our preparation. It goes without saying that we’ll try to do the best possible job. The other evening after dinner we played some poetic games and René was lamenting that Marie-Laure was not with us, because she would have loved it. Mrs Cuevas was truly inspired and wanted to carry on and wash the dishes. Only a titanic struggle on our part dissuaded her. There are no major novelties as far as films go. There was a magnificent Eddie Cantor film, Palmy Days. Renoir’s film The Bitch, is very well made and has a very good cast. In my opinion, it’s the best French film in recent years. I went to see Orpheus by Offenbach and found it admirable. A play, Pains of Youth, has caused great commotion among the surrealists, especially Breton; but I prefer Wedekind. It’s the same genre, of course, but with that unpleasant so-called ‘post-war’ touch. Wedekind filtered through the Treaty of Versaille. I got Nora’s letter and want to write back at once. Do let her know and send her my thanks in advance. Love to Laure and Nathalie and all my friendship to you both, Luis

Jo Evans & Breixo Viejo, Luis Buñuel: A Life in Letters

[mistchievous]

Finally listened to the podcast episode of Dispatch and it made me want to dip my toe into new waters, only recently I dared to start listening to podcasts especially in English. So, can you tell me what app you use on your phone to listen to the podfics and can you rec me a few of yours to start me with? 🥺 Something around one hour, enough time to listen while cooking.

All content creators should get all the love and appreciation so everyone should give some feedback if they like the things we get from the creators, hopefully with this episode more podfic creators and other ones will get more love and appreciation ❤️

Ohhhhh! Welcome to the world of podfics, darling! 🥰

And yes. I hope so too. 💜 So many creators get discouraged by it. Feedback plays such an important role in continued motivation, and podficcing is just so thankless. 🥺💔

As for the app, you can use pretty much any MP3 player or music app. I personally use this one. I just really love the setup. I paid a couple of dollars to permanently remove ads when I first got it. And I've used it ever since! But there are a TON of MP3 apps, and any will work. 💛

As for a couple of mine to start with while you cook, maybe try one of these six! These are all standalone fics (or can be listened to as a standalone fic - one is technically the first fic in a series).

I’m assuming you’re looking for Buddie podfics. 😂

I’ll share these by length from shortest to longest, so hopefully you can find something that works for you! They range from 42 minutes to 1 hour and 5 minutes.

“Love in the Time of TikTok” by @evandiaz [Rated T, Length: 42:34] 

Summary: "It seems kind of dystopian to let millions of people know he’s in love with his best friend before telling said best friend first, doesn’t it?

Whatever. Fuck it.

It’s not like anyone he knows in real life watches his TikToks anyway, so he can be a little freer with the truth even if doesn’t tell his followers everything. He already keeps a tight cinch around his emotions when he’s at work, he can let his guard down a little on here, right?"

Wrong.

“my heart’s a secret, tell me you’ll keep it” by @sibylsleaves [Rated T, Length: 44:47] 

Summary: Buck’s first mistake was coming to the bar.

Actually, scratch that—his first mistake was falling hopelessly in love with his best friend, but he’s not sure he could’ve prevented that one.

But the bar—that he could have avoided. And the first shot of tequila. And the second, and third, and fourth.

His seventh mistake was watching Eddie get hit-on by a dead ringer for Chris Evans.

His eighth—and arguably most egregious—mistake was talking to Chimney.

Or, Buck tells Chimney a secret. This proves to be a mistake.

“dream of some epiphany” by @extasiswings​ [Rated M, Length: 48:23]

Summary: Evan Buckley is lost.

It’s happenstance that he wanders into the navy recruiting center—he’s been in San Diego for a few weeks, bartending late nights and weekends, living in a house with three other guys not because he needs the roommates but because he doesn’t want to be alone, and the military is…respectable. Stable. So Buck thinks maybe and opens the door.

Buck leaves ten minutes later with a set of printed instructions for sending his first letter, assured that he can drop it off whenever he’s ready, and a name.

Staff Sergeant Edmundo “Eddie” Diaz.

“beauty in the small things” by @thisissirius [Rated M, Length: 49:58]

Summary: I don’t want therapy.

I don’t want to self-medicate.

I don’t want to be a failure to my son.

How, then, is a guy supposed to deal with everything he suffered during war without damaging himself and his family?

Yeah, writing wasn’t my first thought either, but here we are.

“Carbon Date Me, Excavate Me” by @extasiswings & @letmetellyouaboutmyfeels [Rated M, Length: 51:28]

Summary: Evan "Buck" Buckley has made a name for himself as the independent bad boy of archaeology. At least, until Professor Eddie Diaz shows up with his fedora and good looks and starts beating Buck to the punch more often than not.

Buck hates his stupid six-pack covered guts.

Except for how... he might not.

“baby, say you’ll always keep me” by @hattalove [Rated T, Length: 1:04:54]

Summary: “Yeah,” Eddie says, and the darkness behind his eyelids takes on a white edge. “Be good. Nice to be married,” he yanks on Buck’s t-shirt, “best friend.”

Finally, Buck takes a breath that sounds off somehow, but he laughs too, and that sounds normal, Eddie thinks. A normal laugh.“

Sure, Eds,” he says, and there’s his hand in Eddie’s hair again, a puff of breath on the crown of Eddie’s head like Buck leaned in to press a kiss there and then stopped, but why would he stop—“I’ll marry you if you remind me tomorrow.”

or the one in which joking about being married to your best friend is all fun and games, right up until you realize that you're not laughing.

[justapoet]

Masterpost of my fanfictions

9-1-1

Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz

Oh, Well

Buck writes poems about his feelings, and keeps them all a secret. When he ends up in the hospital ― again ―, though, Eddie accidentally finds his precious notebook ― in which he had poured his heart out. And how poetic ― and chaotic ― could it be if this same heart belonged to Eddie himself?

I adjust the spring for you to follow me with your eyes

The eyes are the windows to the soul, Buck has a broken one and Eddie loves diving.

(for you) I would ruin myself (a million little times)

What if Buck had been the one who got shot?

when in eternal lines (to time thou grow’st)

Between poems, daydreams, and Eddie's body over his, Buck found out just how much can fit inside words ― and how little can be fit inside eternity.

9-1-1: Lone Star

Carlos Reyes/TK Strand

for those who hadn't seen the spring

TK has pills in his hands, a hole in his chest, and Carlos' love in his eyes.

Infinity times infinity

Carlos loves stars, and he, somehow, found them inside of the most beautiful irises he's ever seen.

falling for you

Three times Carlos had had his heart broken and one time he could mend it.

Four-letter noun

TK writes a letter to Carlos, just because three little words are not quite enough.

you are the future, and the future looks good

TK has late night thoughts and a lazy morning beside Carlos.

i'll hold you close in my arms

The aftermath the the hostage, when TK’s at the hospital (again).

if i share my thoughts with you, would you share your life with me?

After a shift from hell, Carlos could use a little bit of kindness.

so dark up above, the sun's in my heart (and I'm ready for love)

TK could really, really use a hug and something to break the deaf sound of his blank thoughts. Instead, Carlos offers him space ― and a little bit more of his heart, even if it already belongs to TK.

you knew what it was ― he is in love (and so are you)

TK gets home to find his boyfriend dancing and singing to songs he doesn't know ― and he stares at him just because he can.

there is nothing new about me (but you)

After Owen finishes helping TK and Carlos moving in, they have a little celebrating to do.

there ain't no way to burn when the fire's out

TK and Carlos have a fight over Owen and his stupid actions, and Carlos is alone when the fire starts ― and even more when, for him it ends.

gonna be okay (but surely not today)

TK apologizes as he should have done, and they talk about feelings, fires, and maybes.

let's have conversations in the dark

Getting home to Carlos, even a sick one, was the best part of TK's days. Even more, so, when sleepy conversations led to the future.

tell me your secrets (and ask me your questions)

TK was never used to be seen. Carlos had always been to scared to be heard ― and if Carlos could see TK through the veils of sorrow he carries around, TK could get used to hear some anwers in the silence.

Anatomy of a broken heart (and its pieces) ― series

Although pain is not everlasting, scars stain more than just skin ― and if broken hearts still beat, broken souls might just mend themselves again (if given a chance, of course). Or in which the relationship with Alex left more scars on TK than only over his soul.

there'll be happiness after you

I know my love should be celebrated

falling feels like flying

if you never bleed, you're never gonna grow (and it's alright now)

he's got my past frozen behind glass, but i've got me (and you've got me too)

you drew stars around my scars

and when i break, it's in a million pieces

gleaming, twinkling (eyes like sinking)

[dannilea]

So I've been thinking a lot about Buck lately, and how he grew up and how he came to be the Buck we know at the end of season 4 and the conclusion I reached is this:

Evan Buckley was an incredibly lonely child who grew up into an incredibly lonely adult, that somehow managed to find a family that refuses to let him go.

His life is measured out in people who left, and how they refused to stay. Margaret and Philip Buckley may have been there physically for they're kids, but they were emotionally distant and neglectful at best. They could never look beyond the loss of Daniel and see their two living children that needed them.

Buck was incredibly lucky to have Maddie, who loved and cherished her brother, but she was also just a child, just as neglected and lonely as her brother and I could go on about the Buckley siblings forver but that's another post.

So, Margaret and Philip are never really there and Maddie leaves for college and for Doug (who, other than Buck, was probably the first to validate Maddie, make her feel like she was wanted and cared for), and even after she's back she's not really there because she's so so desperate for her brother not to know what her relationship with her husband is really like (she only ever wanted to protect him, but she couldn't keep from hurting him).

To Buck it was probably like he never got her back.

But. Back tracking a bit. I don't think Buck ever really made close friends as a child. His parents were too distant and over bearing in turn and he never learned how to connect with anyone other than Maddie until he was older.

Even once he leaves Pennsylvania he never mentions a friend in the postcards he send to Maddie. He talks about a girl he met, and the jobs he works, but there are never friends.

(Which is so heartbreaking, because this is someone who just wants to connect, wants to love and be loved and so desperately wants to be enough, just for one person)

So. He's alone as he travels, sending postcards and letters he never gets a response to in the hopes he'll find something. Anything. Somewhere he's not so desperately achingly lonely.

And then he finds his way to Los Angeles and the 118 and it's not an instant family. It takes time and it takes work and even when they become close Buck is never sure of his place. Because people have only ever left, how can he be sure they'll stay?

(I don't think Buck would have ever gone for the lawsuit if he'd felt secure in his place at the 118, and that whole arc was a mess of miscommunication and hurt)

And of course then Maddie comes running to LA and Buck meets Eddie and Christopher.

Maddie left him, twice, but she came back (and she'll always come back for her brother. She'll fight tooth and nail and with everything she has for him).

Eddie and Christopher fold him into their family and say here, you belong here with us and there's no where else we'd rather be than with you.

The 118 gets closer and there's a father he never really had in Bobby, another sister in Hen, and a brother in Chimney.

(Eventually that circle expands outside the 118. Athena and Karen and Michael and Josh and Albert and Carla and Eddie's Abuela and Pepa and everyone's kids.

And suddenly lonely little Evan Buckley has a family.)

[horrible-writer-rain]

Over the Edge and Under

Summary: The 118's actions have devastating consequences.

Pairing: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Male OC!

Warnings: Suicide, Angst, Hurt No Comfort, Depression, Post-lawsuit, Past Abuse in reference to Buck's treatment at the 118

A/N: This is not edited. I wrote this fic at like midnight. I'll post the reactions and aftermath at some point.

He was tired. Tired of the glares and harsh words from the people he called family. Tired of going home to an empty apartment because Luca was overseas on some mission that was classified. Tired of being the man behind when all he wanted was to save people. To do the one thing he was good at. He left a voicemail for Luca and one to both Luca’s twin sister and brother in Texas. His grip is tight on the railing but not from a fear of failing. No, he had resigned himself that he was going to die but only when he’s ready. He hopes Chris will forgive him, but he had written him a letter and had left it on his counter with Carla’s name on it. He knew she would give it to him. Luca would be pissed and heartbroken but he had a good support system in their old team, his family, and his crew in Austin. He had left letters for the crew of the 118 as well. Left them on the counter as well. He had written a letter for every person in his life that he loved. It was up to them if they read it or not.

He lets out a breath when he hears a car stop. “Sir, please step away back over the railing.” He felt like he could cry. He knew that voice. “I’m good right where I am, ‘Thena.” He calls opening his eyes to look down. It was about a 40ft drop into freezing water so if the impact didn’t kill him then the hypothermia and subsequent drowning would. “Buck?” He hears her come closer. “What are you doing here, baby?” She asks and he shrugs. “I’m tired ‘Thena.” He tells her as a firetruck pulls up. “Anyone I can call?” She asks stepping closer and he shakes his head. “Stay where you are ‘Thena.” He warns and she stops moving. “Just you Bobby. Keep the others back.” He hears her speak into her radio. The 118 must have responded. Fuck. It was bad enough that he was going to jump in front of Athena but now his crew. The ones who have thrown insults and petty jabs his way. The ones who had a hand in causing this. His grip loosens and Athena lets out a strangled noise. “It’s Okay, ‘Thena.” He tries to reassure her.

“Why’d you have the rest of the crew stay back, Athena?” He hears Bobby, no captain Nash say his tone weary. He knows exactly when Captain Nash spots him. His breath audibly hitching. “Buck?” The use of his nickname and the concern in his voice has him letting out a harsh laugh. “It’s Buck now, is it?” He says finally turning around to face him. “Buck, you don’t have to do this.” He says stepping closer, but Athena holds her arm out. “Why should I listen to you? You’ve done nothing but belittle me since I got back. This isn’t your house, so I don’t have to follow your rules.” His voice is calm, and he looks over to where Hen, Chim, and Eddie have gotten out of the truck. He can see the horror in Hen’s eyes, and he feels kind of bad. She was the one who he confided in the most about being away from Luca. They had eventually bonded over their similar sexualities and marriages to people of the same sex.

“Eddie get me a harness.” Captain Nash says and he sees Eddie falter for a second before following the order. Chim stands beside Hen watching with wide eyes. No doubt trying to figure out how to explain what happened to Maddie. Hen is gripping her med bag tightly. “Think about the people that love you, Buck. Think about your family.” Captain Nash says and he turns his gaze once more to his captain. “My family consists of Luca Rizzoli and his family.” He says and Captain Nash shakes his head. “You’ve got us Buck.” Eddie says as he hands over the harness to his captain. He lets out another humorless laugh. “I’ve not had you since the bombing. I thought you were my best friend. But friends don’t call each other exhausting or shove them around. Family doesn’t belittle anything that’s ever happened to a member of said family.” Eddie looks guilty at his words. “Captain Nash, I used to think of you as a father figure. Now, I see that your no better than my own damn father who didn’t give a single shit about me. In a way this is your fault. You chose to lie to me about what happened. So the only way I saw to get back to my family was to fight for it. I turned down 7 million dollars to get back to my family. It was never even about the money. I just wanted you back.” He pauses to take a breath before continuing. “I knew it wasn’t going to be easy and I accepted that you all would be mad at me. I just didn’t expect for it to last a few months and involve being assaulted. You chose to leave me as the man behind. At first, I was fine with it. I knew you didn’t trust me. I figured I’d need to earn your trust back, but you never gave me the chance. Then after awhile it just started to hurt. You had taken away my ability to help people in a way I loved. I wasn’t being shot at or have the threat of getting blown up and I wasn’t in some active warzone halfway across the world.” Captain Nash had put on the harness as he was talking but never took his eyes of him.

“Please, let us make this right.” Captain Nash pleads with him, but he shakes his head resolved to do what he had come here for. “Think of Christopher. That kid loves you like you’re his father too. Think of what it will do to him if you die.” Eddie says. “That’s a low blow, Eddie. I did think of him. All the time. I wondered if he had nightmares from the tsunami. Wondered if there was any way I could help him, but you kept me away.” He seethes but his voice is still level. “I’m sick and tired of thinking of and putting other’s before myself. Call me selfish but I just don’t give a shit anymore. I’m tired of being other people’s punching back both physically and emotionally. I’m done.” He sees Hen and Chim start moving toward him. “I’m sorry but I just am.” With those final words he pushes himself away from the railing letting go.

The air is cool against his skin as he falls closing his eyes a thinking of his husband. He can hear the screams of the people he once called family, but the sound disappears as soon as he hits the water and his world fades to black.

The 118 stand shocked as their youngest member just jumped of the bridge. Henrietta Wilson falls to her knees as a broken wail leaves her. Her partner Howard Han stands in total shock trying to make himself believe that the man he considered as a brother has just ended his life. Edmundo Diaz has crumpled to his knees as well sobs leaving him as the reality of what he had done had cost him his best friend and the man his son considers as a second father. Athena Grant stands with her hand over her mouth and tears streaming down her face. It was like May’s overdose all over again but this time she wouldn’t be saving her child. Robert Nash is half leaning over the railing with his arm outstretched for the man that had become like a son to him. Guilt consumed each member of the 118 from their actions in the last few months. Athena’s guilt coming from her failure to save her boy. Each of them wondering how they were going to tell their family and how they were going to tell them it was their fault. How it was their actions that drove him to take his own life. “Get water and rescue down here to search the waters. I want his body recovered.” Captain Nash’s voice is void of any emotion as he gives the command. It prompts the others into action but a cloud now hung over them and its their own fault.

[potterbite]

With me, you are safe

Wow, so this got away from me. Here’s 2500 words of Buck falling in love in Montana, why he went to Peru and a disastrous date in present day. Eddie to the rescue!

On AO3. 

***

He first met Johnny when working at a ranch in Montana. 

He was searching the country for the parts of himself that were missing, hoping to find them if he just tried hard enough, ignoring the sadness pounding inside him at every heartbeat. 

Johnny was a few years older and had something rugged about him that appealed to Buck.  Maybe it was those eyes that seemed to gaze into your soul, or that blatant confidence in everything he did. Nevertheless, Buck quickly found himself navigating towards the other man, happy to have finally found a friendly face that saw him for who he was. With Johnny around, somehow, the emptiness did not feel as overwhelming. 

They’d gone out for a few beers one night when Johnny took his hand under the table, interlacing their fingers. Surprised, albeit pleasantly so, Buck had looked up at the older man to see that confident smile plastered on his face, and Johnny had surged forward for a kiss that Buck was not expecting but somehow did not rattle him even a little bit; it felt good. 

The following weeks were a jumble of stolen kisses during the day and sleepless nights under the stars. 

Johnny left a few weeks later, promising Buck they would meet again and that he’d get in touch as soon as he had found this new place he was searching for. Buck had realized that a lot of the guys at the ranch carried that same sadness he himself did and was not surprised that Johnny felt it too. The restlessness. 

So he let Johnny go, and Buck left the ranch some time after, continuing his journey in the jeep that had somehow become the one constant in his life. Maybe he felt a little less empty, some space inside of him filled with a new feeling; hope for the future. 

He didn’t tell Maddie about Johnny in his letters; he was worried that if he wrote it down it would become something tangible instead of those amazing, blurry weeks that felt plucked from a dream. Someone else’s dream. 

Ten months went by before he heard from Johnny again, and at that point Buck had even tried to forget his time at the ranch altogether by dating the girl who taught him to surf.

Neither of those things worked out, the girl less so than the surfing.  

Johnny’s text was short, but still had Buck’s heart beating a mile a minute. 

Meet me in Peru. I miss you.

Buck left the country three days later, no questions asked, and nothing with him except for a backpack and his swelling heart. 

Meeting Johnny again felt as if no time had gone by at all, and Buck was soon caught up in the whirlwind. When Johnny looked at him it made him feel as if he were the only thing in the world that mattered and Buck was addicted. Needed to be where Johnny was. So he took a job at the same bar Johnny worked in, figuring he should at least get some use out of that bartender knowledge.

When Johnny left again, it was just as abrupt as it had been back in Montana. This time though, it hurt much more. At the ranch, Buck hadn’t fully understood how swept up in Johnny he was. He still didn’t, but somehow his gut knew. 

And it hurt. The offhand way he told Buck he had fallen for this ‘awesome chick’ and that they would be going to Florida the very next day. While lying naked in bed with Buck. And the casual way he leaned in for another kiss after that statement, as if everything was just a laugh.

Buck would feel sick afterwards, for months trying to get that dirty feeling out of his body, but he gave his body up to Johnny that night in a way he had never done before. Perhaps he had hoped - no, prayed, that it would alter the other man’s plans. That it would make Johnny feel something real for Buck. 

Nothing changed of course, and he was given the same promise as last time and a tight embrace that made him feel disgusted by himself for enjoying. 

Buck stayed in Peru for a while, not wanting to face reality. Somehow, he could pretend none of it had happened if he kept inside his bubble. Same guests at the bar. Same weather. Same mood.

When he finally left to go back to America, he promised himself that he would never again let someone else make him feel this way; unworthy, belittled and clingy.

---

“Buck?” A hand is shaking his shoulder, fingers warm and tight. Buck blinks twice at Eddie, who’s clearly been trying to get his attention for a while. Everyone is looking at him.

It’s ringing inside his ears, and he tries his best to come back to reality. It’s hard though.

The team got a call for a rescue, an elevator that had gotten stuck somewhere between the twelfth and thirteenth floor and the three passengers inside needed to get out before anyone dared to try and fix it. Easy enough. 

Buck is on rope watch while Eddie goes into the elevator to pick all of them out one by one, but when he gets out through the ceiling with the last man, Buck thinks he’s about to have a stroke.

It’s Johnny.

Silence presses on for a few precious seconds, but then Johnny (inevitably so) meets Buck’s eyes and a brilliant smile forms.

“Evan!” Johnny exclaims loudly, and Buck is vaguely aware of everyone stopping with whatever they’re doing to watch this scene unfold. He desperately wants to leave. Buck was always Evan back then, and Johnny is no different. 

“Hey, Johnny,” he forces out. 

The other man opens his mouth to say something, but Eddie cuts him off. “You can catch up later, we need to get off of this elevator.” He doesn’t look at Buck when he speaks, but it does the trick and everyone gets moving again. 

Knowing he can’t avoid it, Buck joins Johnny on the edge of the open ambulance. The team is close by, but still far enough that he can pretend they aren’t listening. 

“Long time,” Johnny comments, smiling again. And Buck hates how his stomach flutters at that. Hates how he automatically smiles back, his body working on its own accord.

“Yeah. How’ve you been?”

“Good, good.” He looks around, and laughs a bit. “Well, maybe not this precise moment. First time in LA for me.”

Buck nods. Ignores Johnny’s hand that has now landed somewhere on his thigh. “You’ll love it. What brought you here?”

Suddenly Johnny is even closer than before, fingers bunching up the fabric of his pants, breath warm on Buck’s face. “You.”

Seemingly out of nowhere, Eddie appears in front of them before Buck has a chance to reply or do anything at all. He’s grateful. 

“Everything alright?” Eddie looks straight at Buck, gaze so intense Johnny might as well have evaporated into thin air. 

Buck nods, not sure he has any words in him right now. Feelings jumbled around like the headphone cord in your pocket, knot upon knot. Butterflies and nausea for Johnny. A warmness somewhere in his abdomen for Eddie. Adrenaline from them both. 

Eddie doesn’t move away and maybe Johnny realizes it’s not a good time to press on because he stays silent. (Or maybe he still doesn’t care.)

“Alright, let’s pack this up,” Hen’s voice says then, looking knowingly at Buck. He gets up, and shivers when he feels Johnny’s fingers brush against his own before dropping. 

Bobby’s eyes are fluttering from Buck, to Eddie, to Johnny and then back again. 

Nobody speaks on the way back to the station, but Buck feels all eyes on him.

---

At the end of that shift, Chimney is the one that brings it up when they are in the changing room.

“So, are we allowed to ask?”

Buck freezes with his eyes inside the locker, hands balling into fists. 

“I guess that’s a no,” Chim continues casually. 

Buck releases a big breath, not sure why he feels so secretive of this past. He turns and leans against the locker instead.

“Johnny and I met in Montana years ago, when I was working at a ranch.” He tries to smile, but isn’t sure it comes out as genuine. Chimney is getting dressed while listening, Bobby and Eddie standing still, observing. 

Buck closes his eyes, feeling the heaviness set in. “Johnny was my first and only boyfriend.” He laughs bitterly. “And he’s also the reason I don’t date men.”

A quiet whistle from Chimney. “That bad, huh?”

Buck doesn’t reply, but his eyes snap open when Eddie speaks. Sounding a bit like he’s… hurt?

“You’ve never told me about him.”

Buck shrugs with one shoulder. “I prefer not to remember it,” he says honestly. 

Bobby steps forward. “Blocking out past memories is not always the way to go. Sometimes we need to face it, learn and grow.”

At this Buck nods. He’s lost for words again. 

---

A text comes later that night from an unknown number, but even so he knows who it’s from without looking.

Grab a drink with me.

And there’s that familiar feeling of being swept away. It’s as if he doesn’t really have a choice, needing to meet up with Johnny as much as he needs to breathe. So he replies, feeling both excited and sickened with himself at the same time, and they decide on a bar. Or rather, Johnny does and Buck has to figure out how to get there without driving.  

Outside of the bar, Buck has to wait for twenty minutes before Johnny arrives. No apologies though, just that blissful tight embrace, hands in under Buck’s t-shirt.

Buck shivers, and he’s not altogether sure if that’s a good thing or not. 

(Not like the shiver he gets when Eddie gives him that soft look. A shiver that makes him want to feed off of that expression for the rest of his life.)

Once they get a table, Johnny orders for the both of them without asking what Buck would like. Johnny was always like that, and it used to make Buck feel important. Still does, but now there’s an added element of feeling uncomfortable. Remembering how small it used to make him feel as well, as if he were depended on this man to help him through life.

The drink is gross, but he downs it in two big gulps. Johnny keeps touching him, not even speaking, and Buck craves it at the same time as he wants to run away from there and never look back. 

(Want it to be someone else’s eyes so close to his, dimples and scruff.)

There’s hands on his thigh, in his hair, on his waist, fingers teasing the zipper, lips wet on his neck. Music pounding loudly. 

Then all at once, he’s so disgusted he stands up, shocking Johnny into a sitting position from where he’d been leaning all of his body into Buck’s.

“I gotta go,” is all he can manage before moving as fast as he can away from there. He’s not yet outside when he remembers he didn’t drive, and for the fraction of a second he feel as if he’s about to cry.

He promised himself he would never let this happen again, yet here he is, years later. 

Eyes a bit blurry, he unlocks his phone and calls the number at the top of his phone book.

“Hello?” Eddie’s whispering, and Buck curses himself for not checking the time. His voice is also kind of groggy, which makes it even worse.

“Shit, I didn’t realize how late it is,” he says in a way of greeting. 

“Buck?” Eddie sounds so confused it makes Buck smile. “It’s fine. I fell asleep reading to Chris.” He’s whispering, but then there’s the sound of a door closing and his voice is normal again. “Is everything alright?”

“I - uh. I kind of need a ride home.”

Silence. 

“Where are you?”

Buck tells him the address to the bar, very close to Eddie’s house, and the jingle of keys is audible before he’s even finished explaining. “Are you sure?” he asks quietly, scared that the answer is going to be no.

“I’ll be there in ten.”

---

Eight minutes later, Buck spots Eddie’s massive car coming down the street before stopping right in front of him. He gets in the passenger seat without a word, and they drive in silence for a few minutes.

Buck frowns when he understands where they are going.

“I can’t crash at your place, Eddie.”

Eddie glances over at him, eyebrows raised. “Sure you can.” He breaks at the red light and turns his head to fully look at Buck. “Carla is watching Chris through video feed for a little while. I need to get home and turn it off before it becomes creepy.”

One corner of Buck’s mouth goes up. “It already sounds a bit creepy.”

The light switches back to green and Eddie drives on. “Hey, it was this or wake him up and you know how grumpy he gets.”

It remains unspoken that the third option of not coming for Buck at all was not really an option. They sit in peaceful silence the rest of the drive. 

---

After telling Carla goodnight, they end up on the couch together, maybe a bit closer than normal, but Buck enjoys the warmth of another body close to his. Of Eddie’s body close to his, he realizes. 

Eddie hands over the bottle of water he grabbed from the fridge before and Buck takes it, just to keep his hands occupied. 

“What happened?” Eddie’s voice is slow and quiet, still forceful. 

Buck fiddles with the label on the bottle. “Johnny wanted to meet up. It was not a good idea.”

He sees Eddie watching him in his peripheral sight. Maybe he tilts the tiniest bit toward him, just ‘cause it feels nice. 

After a few moments, Eddie sighs. “Is it true what you said? About not dating guys because of what happened between you and Johnny?”

Buck shrugs. “I guess. The pros didn’t outweigh the cons.”

He can’t tell if it’s him or Eddie that moves, but somehow they are even closer together on the sofa now, shoulders touching. 

“You really should try it one more time.” He locks eyes with Buck. “It might be worth it.”

For a long while, they sit there watching each other, neither daring to move closer or away, both hoping the other is brave enough to make the call. 

Slowly, Buck lifts his hand and curls it around Eddie’s neck. Eddie sighs and closes his eyes with a smile.

[justsmilestuffhappens]

@siriuslyjamie where feet may fall ( and fear surrounds me ) smartbuckley on AO3

This right now though. OMG.

Oh no. Buck doesn't have a kid to say bye to. Or so he and others thinks. We know!

Modeling! Modeling?

You tell him Eddie. You tell him!

He misses hearing you voice at night! Omg!

I miss you too buck fuck!

I've officially left my body

The fake smile buck plasters on is real when it comes to Christopher

I'm deceased y'all

Eddie grounding buck as he's thinking of the Bombing no!

Don't do anything stupid while I'm not watching your back okay?

Eddie I always care Diaz fuck!

They're back from Austin and oh no the parents are coming. Fuck!

Buck's triggered by explosives this is both ironic and deeply sad. No.

Shit he just revealed that he's seeing a therapist on accident

Buck called them but they never answer him any time. Fuck. I'm crying. You deserve better man.

Yeah Buck you've grown so much since you joined the 118 and left home buddy you did good!

I fell asleep I was so tired lol.

The parents are here. They're judging. Ugh. I hate it here.

The parents thinking buck freeloaders off of Chimney because he's comfortable there when he's practically family and now he's gonna be regardless of what they say or do I'm crying

Excuse you Buckley's telling Maddie off for leaving Doug then invalidating buck's trauma when you weren't ever around to see it his he nearly died and lived through an event filled with both pain and death surrounding him

Oh no fuck he just admitted he's in love with Eddie while talking about the Tsunami and Christopher OMG

They just found buck on the side of the road and they reveal he's adopted while arguing with him no that's why they're detached of him

Buck's running, it's his turn now, only he's, he needs time to think, to process, Oh, Maddie knew he was adopted but not that they didn't even want him ouch why

Gdi no buck staring in the mirror and thinking his birth mother didn't want him since he was just left to be found by the Buckley's buddy it may hurt but you are a wonderful guy my man and that's without the Buckleys help you did so much after you left home bud but Maddie loves you okay gdi

No one's ever wanted him everybody always leaves ouch but looks whose here now you've still got the station and the 118 and Eddie and Chris cough because they're both together with the others and an individual group

Punching the mirror no buck oh God he's stress baking Bobby would be startled and proud you've picking up his coping habits man

And Eddie's now just there watching buck at the punching bag looking fine as hell and here for him but not knowing God Chimney didn't tell him yet

Buck's crying in the locker room Eddie's sitting next to him and they never even wanted buck ouch

Eddie's hugging him now fuck I'm soft let this boy find peace it's okay buck Eddie's here for you man

Eddie kissing buck's head I'm dead

You tell him Eddie we're here for you I'm here for you buck hell yeah use your words bud good for you

Buck is trapped in the warehouse and falls into water triggering memories of his past holy shit

Modeling buck's modeling sounds about right totally possible

His arms in a cast fucking hell poor guy can't catch a break but you're alive buck and that's good you can heal and hopefully it's not too bad

What the fuck he's thinking about high school Oh no his parents didn't answer and what he's a teenager in the hospital alone!

Buck sending photos to Maddie of his travels like the post cards tho

Wtf someone tried to murder him or caused an accident and hurt buck because they were jealous of his parents owning company how ironic since they barely care

Oh buck 1.0 starts in South America while bartender huh

Buck's lover is an older man omg

No he was a married man and Buck didn't know he didn't mean to the guy cheated on his wife!

Buck's gonna be a seal now

Oh the old college house with buck's room mates from s1 he's starting his fire academy training

Buck feels guilty for taking up space in the hospital even though he's legit hurt my guy please stop and yes Eddie's here for you he's your best friend and he loves you

Did Eddie lie saying they're married please tell me he did that old trope alive and kicking yes!

Buck wakes and wants to confront his parents one last time before they leave OMG they're still here

Eddie freaked out at the thought of losing buck just the same as Buck did when he was buried

Oh fuck the Buckleys are alone in Chimney's place and Buck's gonna confront them alone with Eddie outside waiting I can't you can do this buddy get your closure man

You deserve so much buck like you deserve to be happy to man

Buck distancing himself by calling them by their first names

Yes buck use what you learned in therapy bro your techniques

He's not your Evan he's Buck! Say it right Phil and Marge !

Buck standing up to them

They put all that responsibility on Maddie who was barely 9 or 10

Buck tried pleasing them but it never worked they don't love him

I Have My Own Family! YES! 118

Buck left his toxic parents for one last time and didn't look back Bye!

Buck doesn't detach from Maddie by calling her his sister, he really loves her with all his heart she isn't like their horrible parents

Maddie kept everything is that really surprising though yes!

All his letters and photos like that postcard from before I'm crying

Everything Buck sent was an escape for Maddie from Doug the dog she wanted to be with he little brother and now they're together here with chimney and everyone

Buck is a Buckley whether they like it or not he's Maddie's brother!

“Look through the photos Buck. Remember who you are, and who you’ve grown to be. I’m so proud of you, alright?” Maddie whispers, kissing his forehead when Buck nods, a small smile on his face before he walks Maddie through the door. - Put this on my tombstone. I'm blown away now.

The good parts and the bad parts of your past all add up to being who you are you experienced it and grew from it your life things changed and so did you for the better you're wonderful buddy

Buck's heart was locked away to protect it but someone hurting him again but they got in and they love him he's theirs and they're his

I'm trying to not cry right now

Buck's got a home to go to you say would it be a place where he's not really a guest at maybe hmm ?

OMG they were dating pre pandemic and Eddie asked him to move in with him with them fuck but Buck couldn't say yes yet he still had stuff to work through

Buck's walls were no match to Eddie and Chris slowly coming in and alerting his world for the better guys I'm losing it here

“I love you, Eddie. I’ve loved you for so damn long and I’m tired of letting fear and insecurities stop me from going further in my life.” - I'm still screaming at this shit fuck

Eddie waited buck's ready now

He's ready to go public and to move in and for what's to come

Buck knows who he is and that he chooses the Diaz boys Yes!

[softbuckismykink]

That Abby line...

No, he stopped waiting for me a long time ago.

Took me like four days to put words on how I feel about that^ line but here it is: 

***Warnings for foul language***

So I know every Buddie clown and (sometimes literally) their mother is like, duh Buck moved on and fell in love with Eddie, and really I’m not discounting that theory, but that line hit me differently... 

I loved Abby in season one. Like seriously I would hit pause and run around screaming at every Buck/Abby scenes. I think it was kind of romantic that Evan ‘Firehose’ Buckley would turn his life around to have Abby in his life. That he’s give up sex for her when he was a self-diagnosed sex-addict. But now...

At hearing that line^ I’m like FUCK YOU ABBY! That boy loved you with all his heart and you go about your life thinking he already moved on?! Abby just freaking went on living her best life in where the fuck ever while Buck pines away because he didn’t know she already left him for someone else. Buck closed himself up for months after she left waiting for her to comeback and she didn’t have the decency to even call him and let him know they are done... He didn’t move on for months... Buck met a man who he had (romantic?) moments with (initial meet-cute over being onesided ‘frenemies’ {Buck-side} with Eddie) but he didn’t grab the multiple opportunities because he still thinks he and Abby are together, ie. first confrontation Eddie basically said I know your girlfriend broke up with you, you don’t have to be mad at me because you like me and that time Eddie was like they aren’t my type (referring to drunk girls) and basically challenging Buck about his ‘invisible girlfriend’ and telling him it’s a weak excuse for not dating. No one can tell me that Eddie wasn’t flirting with Buck early season 2 because he so is, but Buck was like I have a girlfriend tho, and by the time Buck realized him and Abby are totally done (no thanks to Abby who thinks ghosting Buck was preferrable to picking up the phone and calling it quits), Buck and Eddie had moved on to becoming bestfriends and missed “their moment” and Buck had eventually moved on to Ali... and Eddie’s wife came back only to die, bringing so much freaking angst.

What I’m saying is: We could have buddie much much sooner if Abby would have just called it quits AND told Buck about it in clear terms but she didn’t so we stuck with having solo!Buck and Eddie looking for love somewhere else...

Really though I didn’t get into 9-1-1 because of Buddie... I got into it bacause it the only medical-adjacent show I can fucking tolerate... In season 1 I was all for Buck/Abby (though I did kind of dread it a bit cause I thought PTB were setting up a Buck vs Bobby storyline with Buck/Abby/Bobby love triangle) but looking back now I realize that the relationship between Buck and Abby is so imbalanced. Buck poured all his energy into his relationship with her, he changed for her, and as such Abby maintained control and power over Buck. Abby’s needs dominate the relationship without consideration for Buck’s needs or feelings, like with Abby’s mother, Buck would always put both of them first, he’d forgive Abby for missing dates because she has to take care of her mother, which isn’t that bad but even after her mother died Abby put her needs first and decided to leave without even considering Buck’s opinion on it... Like she freaking bought ticketsto Dublin and she only told him because he happened upon her packing her luggage, like what if he didn’t she’ll just what leave him a letter?! And she didn’t offer to have Buck join her or give him a concrete freaking timeline on when to expect her to be back, heck she didn’t even offer Buck an out. I mean the least she could have done was let Buck go, like say ‘you don’t have to wait for me’ or something but she didn’t do that, she didn’t give him that option. 

Even when she came back and they had their “closure” talk she’s only sorry tht Buck learned she’s in town with a new fiance that Buck has to RISK his life for to save... that is what she is sorry about. She wasn’t sorry that she left him hanging and didn’t return his calls, she wasn’t sorry she abandoned him because she didn’t want to ‘lose herself again’... She basically said that being with Buck would mean having her life revolve around Buck’s life when in reality it’s the other way around. All through their relationship, Buck’s life revolves around her and her struggles. And Buck the dum-dum had for gave her anyway. HE forgave her because the idiot still thinks he love her. Bet all my dollars Buck went away from that conversation thinking: hey it’s fine, I’m fine. Abby deserves better than me and I’m glad she found it... Like WAKE UP BUCK! That Sam guy isn’t better than you! 

TL;DR: I’m MAD at Abby, in Buck’s behalf. I used to love Buck/Abby in season one but now I realized how toxic it was for Buck to be in that relationship even if he thinks he became a better man because of it. Glad it’s over but still hate Abby for her actions...

[reyescarlos]

we found each other in the dark

chapter 2/4: changing tides; word count: 4.8k || read on ao3

There's no doubt, the beauty that we see, Following the path, so much older than we Lovers built it with their hands, walked it with their feet Above the raging waters and the darkness underneath

Buck tumbles backward against the bed, his eyes glued on Ali above him as she slips off her shirt and makes quick work of his as well. A curious expression takes over her features as she looks down at him.

“Edmundo,” she says, tracing her fingertips slowly along his rib cage. “Should I be offended you didn’t tell me?” Her eyes are fixed on his torso before flashing to his face.

Buck takes a moment to try and understand what it is she’s saying but nothing about her words makes even an ounce of sense to him. His brows furrow in confusion.

“Wait, what?” He sits up, her hand sliding away.

“You’ve got the name printed on your skin. What do you mean what?” Ali asks teasingly.

Buck’s face falls, his heart sinking with it as he gently sets her aside and rises up from the bed hurriedly. Buck heads straight to the full-length mirror, seeing the name scrawled there backwards in the reflection.

There are seven letters there where they had only ever been one.

“No. No way,” he mutters to himself, trying and failing to reconcile with the image before him.

“You didn’t know?”

“It wasn’t there this morning,” he replies quietly, still staring in disbelief.

He definitely would have taken notice to a full name scribbled across his flesh when he showered and dressed for the day. That wasn’t the sort of thing that escaped a person’s notice, especially a guy who has spent the last nine years wondering if this would ever happen.

His throat is dry and his heart won’t stop racing. There’s a loud pounding in his ears that threatens to deafen him.

“So, you must’ve met him at some point today then.”

Buck scrolls through his memory of the day. He didn’t meet anyone new. He went about his day same as usual. Nothing out of the ordinary happened. He woke up. He went for a run. He ran errands. He stopped off for coffee—

But he did bump into someone when he was leaving, had he not? Buck had been so busy looking at his phone that he hadn’t even bothered to look up. All he could do was offer a half-hearted apology as he typed up his message to Ali, letting her know they were still on for tonight. Had he seriously blown right past the man he was supposedly fated to be with?

Buck finally tears his eyes away from his reflection to look back at Ali. She’s perched on the edge of the bed, eyeing him thoughtfully with one of her knees pulled up to her chest.

“We had a pretty good run,” she says, matter-of-factly. “We both knew this wasn’t going to last forever.”

That much was true. Buck had only had the letter E to go off of, but that was more than enough to rule Ali out as his soulmate. All the same, the full name of her fated partner hadn’t fully appeared either so the two were more than content with enjoying the downtime together.

Now that the compass within him has a true north, Buck can feel something shifting inside him already. This truly changed everything, putting it all into clearer focus now. There was no more doubting that he was actually destined to be with someone or that his true love had passed away or any of the other wild theories he’d wrapped himself in to help stave off the fear that this day would never come.

It was here now, the proof quite literally in black and white, that it was foretold he had another half, one that was walking the streets of L.A. right now and that he had crossed paths with. To know that he had narrowly missed his soulmate was a shock to the system but Buck had gone this long without having more than the first letter. Surely luck was finally on his side now and he would get the chance to actually meet this man—Edmundo, as it were—face to face sooner rather than later. This was a huge amount of progress to make in one day. If he could make leaps and bounds that great in less than twenty-four hours, Buck was feeling optimistic about what the future had in store.

“Ali—,” he starts off but she simply waves him off, already slipping back on her shirt.

“Seriously, don’t sweat it. I’m really happy for you, Buck. This is a good thing. Now you finally know what you’re looking for.”

Buck can’t help but to agree with the sentiment. Had he not spoken to Ali about this the other night? While he enjoyed hooking up because he didn’t think he had a soulmate, each time he met someone with a name starting with E he would always hold his breath in anticipation, waiting for the rest of the letters to fill in along his flesh but it never happened. Now he has a name in mind, something tangible to use going forward that hadn’t been there in the years before.

Ali gets up from the bed and walks over to him, slipping her arms around his waist. This is goodbye, he knows it, but that doesn’t make it any easier to accept.

“Good luck,” she says softly against his lips, kissing him for the last time.

Even though he knew Ali wasn’t his future, he still sincerely enjoyed these present moments with her.

“You too. I really hope you find your person soon.” He means it from the bottom of his heart. Ali is a great girl and whoever she ends up with is going to be extremely lucky.

Ali offers him one last smile and a peck on his cheek before heading out. Buck just stays in place and watches as she makes her way down the steps. It isn’t until he hears the door close that he turns back to face the mirror and the truth branded onto his skin.

~*~*~

Eddie takes off his watch, blindly rubbing at his wrist. He glances down briefly and does a double take. Instead of three letters he sees four. An N has now hitched itself to the end of his soulmate’s name—or at least what he had believed to be the name. All this time he had been convinced he was searching for a woman named Eva but there it was, clear as day that he had it all wrong. The universe wasn’t finished speaking to him yet; he was off base in his assumption on all accounts.

Evan, his left wrist reads in a hasty scrawl. Eddie traces his finger over the name, following the strokes of the four letters.

Eddie is stunned by this revelation for several reasons, namely that his soulmate is another man. Eddie has only admitted privately to himself that he’s attracted to other guys. He isn’t ashamed of it but he’s never really had the language or capacity to express that to anyone in his life. It was always easier, maybe even safer for him to get caught up in the idea that while Shannon wasn’t his true life partner, there was a woman out there who could be.

But now with this update to his soulmate marking, he’s forced to confront a truth about himself he hasn’t always been so keen on exploring. He reasons with himself now, however. There was no just cause to feel nervous. He is miles away from his unhappy life back in Texas. Los Angeles was meant to be a clean slate, a turning point in his life. It looks as if the city has every intention of living up to the expectations he had for it when making the decision to leave El Paso.

He doesn’t owe anyone any details about his life and, honestly, Eddie is more than tired of feeling like a guest in his own skin. It’s high time he settles into the person he was always meant to be. He owes that to himself.

Eddie sits on the edge of his bed, still staring at the name and trying to pinpoint when he met this man. There was the teller at the bank, he thinks, but Eddie quickly rules that out, recalling that the guy’s name tag didn’t say Evan. He hadn’t had much interaction with anyone. The barista at the coffee shop was a young woman, as was the person he spoke to over the phone with at what he hoped would be Chris’ school. Eddie starts to feel panicked. If he didn’t speak directly to Evan then he must have just been really near to him.

Though he’s had his whole life to grapple with that fact, it only hits him now fully how messed up that is. There are billions of people on the planet. He’s in one of the most populated cities in the United States. His soulmate could be anywhere and somehow the man evaded him even though they were close enough to each other to warrant the full name to appear.

Is it possible he had truly seen the face of the person he was fated to be with and not known it? A naïve part of Eddie thought he would just know the second he met his other half. That the marking would tingle or he’d just catch their eye and it would fall into place from there. Perhaps that was just some dormant romanticism rearing its head. But he knew better than most that life wasn’t that easy and hardly ever went according to plan, especially if it was for something you desperately wanted. At least that’s how the story went for him in virtually every aspect.

He lets out a deep sigh and flops back onto his bed, staring up at the ceiling for so long he swears he can see new colors in the white paint. Eddie closes his eyes and sighs once again wondering if the universe will show him kindness or if he’ll have to wait another nine years to solve the mystery of who his soulmate is.

He takes comfort in having a first name. He can’t imagine anything else will follow after this. Now the next leg of the challenge begins: tracking down this man.

“Dad?” he hears Chris call from the door.

Eddie sits up quickly. He hadn’t even heard his son approach with how wrapped up he was in his musings.

“What’s up, kiddo?”

“Can we have a movie night tonight?” Chris asks, a hopeful smile on his face. Who in the world could say no to that?

“Of course, we can. I’ll order pizza and you pick the movie we watch. Sound good?”

“Sounds perfect!” Chris counters. Satisfied with the answer he’s gotten, he turns around and heads down the hall toward the living room.

Eddie remains seated upright, soon burying his head in his hands. There’s so much he still has to figure out. How to be a single father, how to raise his son in a new city where he himself is still getting used to everything. It feels as if he’s got the weight of the world on his shoulders. His life is the very definition of busy, cartoonishly so. More often than not he doesn’t know which way is up but he’s trying; Lord knows he’s giving it everything he’s got.

Maybe now isn’t the time to go thinking about soulmates, now that he thinks of it. Just because the name appeared in its entirety doesn’t mean he has to do anything about it. After all, he reasons, there isn’t much he even can do. It’s not as if he can take out a billboard on Sunset Boulevard asking every man in the city named Evan to meet him in person. If he really is meant to find his other half, he’ll show up when he’s supposed to. Eddie has to believe that. Until then, Eddie won’t allow himself to open that door.

Renewed in his thinking, Eddie allows himself one more brief moment to come to terms with his decision before getting up from the bed. All he can do now is maintain control over the things in his life that are actual certainties. There’s a little boy a few feet away who needs his undivided attention and that is where his priorities will always remain. He can’t afford any distractions, not when there’s already so much at stake.

“You coming, Dad?” Christopher calls out. Eddie’s ready for action, swiping his phone from where it sits beside him on the mattress.

“I’m calling the shop right now,” he says back, already searching the number and pressing to call as he reaches the door to join Chris in the living room.

~*~*~

When Buck awakes the next day, his hand instantly reaches for the side of his ribs. He barely got any sleep last night with how wound up he was, fixating over the name that had worked its way onto his skin without him even knowing it. That was one of the hardest things for Buck to wrap his mind around. Something so monumental had taken place for him right under his nose and he’d been so ridiculously unaware.

He spent a great deal of his night thinking about Edmundo. He wondered what he looked like, what his hobbies were. He pictured him as being tall and dark haired. He imagined he was an adventurous guy who liked trying new things like him. If this was the person he was meant to be with, he figured they’d ought to have a few things in common.

In one day, he’s gone from not putting any real stock into wondering about the specifics of his soulmate to keeping a running tab on all the qualities he hopes the other man possesses.

Now you finally know what you’re looking for, Ali had said and it’s true. Buck had been directionless for years but yesterday’s update changed all that. He’s still unsure how or when he’ll get the chance to meet Edmundo again but he tries his hand at tempting fate, deciding to go back to the place where he believes this whole thing started.

He has a shift today so he can’t exactly hang around the coffee shop for a while like he wishes he could. All the same when he returns, he quickly realizes just how futile his approach is. He didn’t actually see the guy he bumped into. He can’t even safely guess at a description so truly any man inside the café could be the one. Moreover, the odds that Edmundo is even here right now are slim to none. It’s a brand new day and morning at that. Maybe his soulmate only comes here during the afternoon or maybe he just happened to be in the neighborhood yesterday and decided to drop by.

Variables. Far too many variables that make him uneasy.

Buck notes the time and sees that he has to go. As much as he’s caught up in his personal life, there are other lives he has to center his energy on today. He can’t afford to have his attention stolen away when people are counting on him. He decides to stick a pin in this for now as he exits the coffee shop with one last hopeful glance over his shoulder. Edmundo is out there; he can be assured of that, if nothing else. If luck isn’t on his side two days in a row, there’s still a stretch of time laid out before him for the miracle to take place.

~*~*~

Sometimes it felt like Eddie was the punchline to a joke the universe never grew tired of. His meeting at Chris’ school had gone well; the tour of the building exceeded his expectations. He’d been thorough online, combing through every page on the school’s site and reading up on what parents of students past and present had to say. With his luck he should have known a wrench would find its way into a situation that had, until this precise moment, been utterly perfect.

“All we need now is to speak with Christopher’s mother. After that interview, we should be seeing Christopher in our halls soon enough.”

Eddie blinks at the coordinator for a moment, running through her statement again.

“Is that going to be a problem?” she asks, picking up on his hesitation.

Eddie quickly shakes his head and clears his throat. He’s come this far. He’s not about to squander Chris’ chances of success because he’s caught off guard.

“No, not at all.” He isn’t sure how much truth there is to the statement but he’ll figure out a way to make this work. For Chris he’ll move mountains.

Eddie leaves the office and heads to the parking lot, his mind racing. It’s just one more hurdle for him to have to jump when he had felt confident there wouldn’t be any more obstacles in his path. He was dreading having to pick up the phone and call Shannon. He hoped the talk would go well but right now, he didn’t want to dwell on that. His next step was to get Chris and check in with his grandmother and make good on his promise to her.

Eddie heads straight to Abuela’s place to repair her kitchen sink. She’d spoken to him this morning about it when he dropped Christopher off and he’d given his word he’d take a look after his meeting. Her home isn’t too far from the school and he arrives about fifteen minutes later.

Before he gets out of the car, Eddie takes a moment to pull himself together. Though his thoughts are heavy, he doesn’t want his grandmother to see he’s stressing. He isn’t ready to talk about having to speak to and subsequently see Shannon so soon. He’d really convinced himself that he could have a bit of time before he’d have to see her face to face. But Chris’ education and comfort trumped his trepidation. He settled on the notion of calling Shannon when he got home later. He had no doubt the school probably reached out to her the second he left the office but still, he knew he had to relay the information as well.

Eddie quickly glances at himself in the rear-view mirror. His eyes look weary but he supposes his grandmother will just think it’s from getting settled in still. He nods once to himself and gets out, fishing his key to the house out of his pocket.

“Abuela?” he calls out once he’s let himself in and locks back the door.

“In here,” she shouts back from the kitchen. Eddie walks through the house, greeting her with a hug and kiss on the cheek. She has the toolbox already on the ground by the sink for him.

“Where’s Chris?” The inside of the house is oddly quiet. There aren’t any cartoon voices or beeping of electronics.

“He’s out in the yard. He felt like reading outside an hour ago. I certainly wasn’t going to stop him,” she muses.

“Naturally,” Eddie laughs. “Well, let’s have a look at this sink then, yeah?”

Eddie slips off his watch and sets it aside on the kitchen counter before kneeling to the ground and settling on his back under the sink. He gets to work, moving methodically and chatting with his grandmother as she recounts her day with Christopher. She, like literally everyone that knows him, is completely smitten. Not too long after, he’s done. Eddie sets the wrench aside and gets back on his feet. He reaches out to turn on the faucet when his grandmother hurries over, grabbing a hold of his wrist.

“Edmundo, what’s this?” she asks.

Eddie’s heart clenches the same way it does when one misses a step on a flight of stairs. He tries pulling back his hand but it’s too late; the damage is already done.

“It’s nothing worth talking about.” He doesn’t mean it to be rude or dismissive but if he can prevent this conversation from happening, he’ll steer the talk away from going there as fast as humanly possible.

The stern looks she gives him tells Eddie that he won’t be able to avoid it, however.

“You’ve met your soulmate? This…Evan,” she says, tilting her head and reading off the name.

Eddie is too distracted for a moment to answer her question. There doesn’t seem to be any shock to her that it’s a man’s name branded on his skin instead of a woman’s.

“I must have but I don’t know where he is or even who he is for that matter. It just filled in yesterday.”

Finally, his grandmother lets go of his hand and Eddie draws in a breath to steady himself. He grips the lip of the counter with both his hands, his shoulders hunched over. Through the window he can see Christopher in the backyard, laying out in the afternoon sun with his head buried in a book, so blissfully unaware of the turmoil his father has been feeling since he made the discovery.

“I thought—it said Eva for so long that this whole time I thought I was searching for a woman.” Saying the words out loud strikes Eddie differently than when the sentiment was just swirling around in his head.

“The heart wants what it wants,” Abuela says, as if it’s truly just that simple. Maybe it is but Eddie is still trying to piece it all together for himself.

“Well, it doesn’t matter what it wants. I need to focus on what my head is telling me.”

“Which is?” She sighs and shakes her head. “You can’t run from destiny, Eddie, no matter how much it scares you. One way or another, it’s going to catch up with you. It’s inevitable.”

Eddie wishes he didn’t find that statement as intimidating as he does but it terrifies him to his very core. Some people find comfort in knowing what the road ahead looks like. For a time, Eddie himself had clung to that too. When his fights with Shannon turned vicious and intense, he’d lie beside her in bed, facing the opposite way soothing his nerves with the idea that there was more for him out there. He’d feel guilty for it but there was no mistaking that he and Shannon brought out the worst in each other because they knew they weren’t meant for one another. They were trying to force something that didn’t come naturally and that was a method that was doomed from the start.

He’d picture Eva, her face always shrouded or constantly changing. Even without that certainty, the concept of her was enough of a beacon to guide him through the heaviest of storms.

Now that image he’s spent years fixating on has morphed into something he can’t even begin to guess at. It’s too much change all at once and Eddie can’t handle that kind of stress right now, he’s decided. He has more pressing concerns like continuing to get settled in Los Angeles. He’s got Christopher’s school situation almost secured and now he just needs to work on settling into the new job he’s lined up for himself.

“I’ve managed to avoid it for this long, haven’t I? It’s fine. I’m fine.”

She frowns and Eddie can’t bear the sight. He turns his focus back on his son, glad that he’s so far removed from all of this.

“I don’t think you are,” she says. “And I know you don’t truly believe that either.”

Eddie’s jaw clenches, his shoulders stiffening after being called out. Eddie knows she means well but it’s jarring to be seen so plainly.

He turns on the tap, letting the water run for a bit. He peers down under the sink to make sure pipe is holding up. Everything is just fine, as he knew it would be. There are at least some broken things he’s capable of fixing.

“I need to get Christopher home,” he says decidedly, glancing over his shoulder at her. He leans down and kisses her on the cheek. “Thank you for watching him. I really appreciate it.”

“Ed—,” she starts but Eddie doesn’t give her the chance to get any further as he heads for the back door and leaves.

He can’t afford to hear the rest of her statement. He can’t stand there being fed a lie that he deserves to be happy. He had fooled himself temporarily into thinking this update to his marking could be a good thing but his life was already hectic as it was. Adding in this new factor on top of everything else seemed more like a liability than an asset. And if there’s one thing Eddie doesn’t need in his life right now, it’s another complication.

~*~*~

Buck tries his luck at the coffee shop again though he knows better now this time than to have high expectations. He gets there a bit earlier to see if ten minutes will make much of a difference but he doesn’t hear anyone say the name Edmundo to their friends. None of the baristas call out that name either when drinks are ready to be served. Today pans out much like the last two days; frequenting the coffee shop has become part of his daily routine now.

Admitting defeat, Buck takes his coffee to go, finishing it on the car ride over to the station.

When he gets to work, he heads straight for the locker room, exchanging greetings with Chimney as he steps inside.

“Have you met the new guy yet?” Chimney asks, lacing up his work shoes on the bench as Buck chucks his coffee cup into the garbage bin by the door.

“There’s a new guy?”

Chimney switches feet and works on his laces again.

“Yeah, up from Texas. Apparently, he’s a lucky get. Bobby says another station wanted him but he picked us.”

Buck’s heart races a little faster. On any other day he wouldn’t have thought much about this. New recruits weren’t exactly uncommon but given the name he can practically feel tingling on his torso right this second, he can’t help but feel his curiosity pique.

He wants to ask flat out if the man’s name is Edmundo but that would raise questions he isn’t ready to answer yet. He’s about to ask just casually what the recruit’s name is but Chimney’s phone starts to buzz and he excuses himself to take the call.

Buck tries not to get discouraged but his heart still sinks regardless as he stuffs his belongings into his locker. His mind can’t help but to jump to the conclusion that this latest addition to the 118 is the man he’s spent the last three days trying to meet. It feels too coincidental that this guy would just show up out of the blue. That the station was lucky to have him. There was a possibility for him to land at another station but he found his way to this one just three days after Buck’s soulmate’s name presented itself fully after nine whole years of waiting.

Steeling himself, Buck leaves out of the locker room and makes his way up the stairs to the loft where he can hear the early morning chatter of his coworkers and Hen’s warm laughter.

There’s a new face seated around the table, one that—admittedly—Buck is attracted to.

Bobby is the first to notice his arrival and he gestures for him to come closer to where he sits at the head of the table.

“Buck, this is Eddie. I was just filling him in on what he can expect for his first day and introducing him to everyone.”

Buck’s knees almost give right then and there.

Eddie.

It’s a nickname that can apply to many different names: Edward, Eduardo, Edwin, Edgar. Hell, maybe his actual name was Eddie. But Buck holds out hope that it’s short for Edmundo. That the universe is putting his years’ long searching to an end.

“It’s nice to meet you,” he says a bit stiffly due to shock. He offers up a warm smile to make up for it and in return, Eddie flashes one back.

He’s got warm brown eyes that crinkle at the corners when he smiles. It’s such an open expression that Buck feels as if he knows him. Maybe it’s wishful thinking or maybe this is actually a sign. Either way, Buck knows that Eddie’s smile is something he can easily get addicted to.

“It’s nice to meet you, too,” Eddie says, extending his hand to Buck. “I’m really looking forward to us working together.”

Please let this be him, Buck thinks as he shakes Eddie’s hand.

A small part of him feels like it’s falling already.