#this is a lot im just lost really

[gaybd1]

recovery update bc idk wtf is going on in my brain

it’s still really hard for me to talk about this stuff even if it’s just posting to the void of the internet

but

I’m doing good, I’m doing REALLY good but I feel like I’m teetering at an edge?

so I feel like we’re coming up on almost 6 months already since I started my recovery and things have been great

I’ve actually lost a lot of weight since all that bc I had this phenomenon of starving myself but binging a comfort food (usually ducking chocolate when my body couldn’t do it anymore?)

anyway at my lowest point I just didn’t eat anything for a whole week right?

since then I’ve really controlled what went in my body to basically make sure I’ve been eating but over time the routine has gotten looser and I feel like I’m falling back into old habits again

the sweet tooth is back. objectively that’s fine on its own. but it makes me scared of losing control again

it’s REALLY hard for me logistically to get the three regular meals a day. One is guaranteed on weekdays at least.

Everything else…

Like I just feel out of control again. I feel like I’m ALWAYS eating (but I know I’m just eating the amount I need bla bla bla) but I’m still not good at choosing the best things for my body

I’m still getting more protein and vitamins than I was before

but that ARFID pickiness is back, I can feel it creeping up

and here come the body image issues again

I just remember it felt so BAD physically to starve myself but I’m SO worried that’s what’s around the corner for me, like I’m feeling this loss of control spiral and as usual there are NO resources around irl to help me

I’m so past this entry level “oh you ate something today good!” I can do that now, I just need to learn HOW to do that best??

[splankie]

is blowing up a volcano after ur first kiss couple goals

[that-wildwolf]

hey, remember being 18 years old and playing mass effect for the first time and it's got this like intense aura of being very small and very insignificant in a very big, very empty galaxy? remember playing mass effect for the first time and everything all of this is so new and mysterious, and it's 2am and you're sitting in a dark room in the light from your tv and you're playing through feros for the first time and you feel that this is someting very old and very ancient and you are somewhere you shouldn't be and you don't know what's going to happen or where you're going but you keep on. there's a tingling in your stomach and you're playing mass effect for the first time. the thorian is a milennia old sentient plant being. the rachni queen is old and telepathic and a hive mind and in pain. sovereign is an ancient machine that has not been built but is, and has always been, and this is something so alien and so unlike and beyond anything your human mind can comprehend, and this is something unexplainable and huge and as uncaring and indifferent as the empty galaxy around you. you're playing mass effect for the first time and you're walking on the surface of an almost completely empty planet with nothing but your two companions silently walking beside you and everything is so huge and empty and silent and you're so small and insignificant and it's so beautiful and so scary and you feel like you are on a rollercoaster about to drop down. you are playing mass effect for the first time and you're playing the mission on the moon and you stop and just look up at earth visible in the sky. you know this. this is home. you are playing mass effect for the first time, and the galaxy is so big, and you are so tiny, and everything is about to change for you.

[boobchuy]

I love amphibia I'm really happy it exists

[cobaltfluff]

so i started playing persona 4

where are the QoL features

[taxkha]

Sometime in 2021 or 2022 I deleted a good amount of my old art from this blog and I really regret this now. Theres still art starting 2015 on here and I also never threw away any of my traditional art, but unfortunately Facebook deleted my old artist page where I had my first digital drawings and even older art from 2012-2017, I deleted my old twitter art acc and I also cant access my old laptop anymore because I forgot my pin and its also pretty damaged and the older I get the more upset I get about this. This is a reminder to artists of all kind to please save your art and to not throw anything away and to not delete anything. Your old art isn't embarrassing, it's the best art you made at that time and to be able to look back onto your old stuff and say "I've improved so much" is a great feeling.

[pansyfemme]

i have been a ball of depression lately as well as my physical health worsening pretty severly this past week due to stress and so my friends have been. trying so hard to get me to get out and do things and its very sweet but i feel bad because the whole time i’m just a total mess

[clowningcrows]

hot take i guess but when i watch the scene with billy and agatha where she finds out for sure he’s billy maximoff and starts tearing up, i perceive it as being bc she’s still a bit (read: significantly) heartbroken that he isn’t nicky. he isn’t hers. sure, she might’ve known from the beginning to some degree that he was wanda’s, but she doesn’t know for sure. we see that every time she panics because he’s hurt. we see that in the way she refused to leave his side when he was asleep. we see that when rio herself has to shake agatha out of it, saying, “agatha… that boy isn’t yours.” like YES logically i think she knew he wasn’t nicky, that he couldn’t be but we CAN see how painfully, hopelessly desperate agatha is to think that maybe he could be. so in my mind, she sees billy maximoff standing in front of her, finally being met with indisputable proof that he could not possibly be her lost son. how could she not tear up at that?

[stupidrant]

Since we’re on the topic of video games, im tired of these fucking remakes. Ive said it before but i’ll say it again each time. These companies dont wanna invest in an actually good remaster or port and would rather waste their time with these remakes bcuz “ooh look how shiny and better the graphics look!!1!1!1” often times it has an empty feeling because everything has to be ultra realism super 6000. Its gotten so bad that now regular gamers are starting to gaslight you into playing or enjoying them. So much has been lost artistically, (like the cool UI designs) that it’s now considered “juvenile” and that i need to “grow up” and “accept it” 😂

[cricketclan]

:(

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[flamestar126]

I feel like they really did enjoy performing.

(click for better quality)

[butchvamp]

i'm working my way through the final companion quests and i finished Bellara's last night. i feel like my criticism of her story is the same, broader critique i've already discussed which is that she's never really given any time or space to reckon with the truth of the elven gods, she's never allowed any real sympathy or a crisis of faith or even just a genuine conversation about having to literally kill her gods that she's spent her entire life studying... this quest almost gets there, but it's once again... hindered by racism.

i would have loved this quest otherwise, in general Bellara is one of my favorite companions and her character is one of the strongest in the game. plus i like a good sibling dynamic, and i loved her scenes with Cyrian and even the final funeral procession. but the context they're in is frustrating. we don't need to teach Bellara the dangers of pursuing elven history, we already know, she already knew even before this, and now the game has completely demonized the Evanuris beyond a doubt and even blamed Bellara for it herself. we don't need Bellara to "learn her lesson." it's redundant and racist, especially the final choice!

this choice (Destroy the Archive or Preserve It) should NOT be up to Rook. this is when faction and companion approval could have come into play, but unfortunately the reputation system in this game is basically nonfunctional. if it did actually matter, then maybe if Rook has high reputation with the Veil Jumpers, Bellara could ask their opinion, but otherwise, why would she leave the fate of a priceless link to elven history up to Just Some Guy? especially if Rook isn't even elven!

Dalish culture is still valuable, it's worth respect and worth preserving regardless of the Evanuris. this confrontation with Anaris should have made her even more determined to do exactly that, to embrace and protect her culture and explore the truth of their history within the Archive, to share it with her people and keep them safe, rather than just blindly destroy it. this could have been her big emotional catharsis moment, with Rook there to encourage her but otherwise let her be the one to make her own choice and ultimately stop Anaris and save the Archive. maybe Cyrian does always die, but he's her link to the Archive that strengthens her resolve regardless. and depending on how Rook approached it (insisted that she would have to kill him versus encouraging her to try and get through to him) it could result in Bellara either opening up and sharing more about the Archive or hardening and closing herself and the Archive off completely. the funeral procession could change depending as well.

i don't know how the funeral procession changes currently, if you destroy the Archive, but if you save it, i do really appreciate those final scenes with her. we even get actual acknowledgment of the Exalted Marches and the reality of the current elves and their enslavement. Bellara finally gets to express herself and participate in her culture without having to feel guilty or apologize. i just wish she was given this respect beyond this single scene, and that she had more of a voice overall and could challenge both Harding and even Solas, and that the game didn't have to punish her before we got here.

[naamahdarling]

.

[lucyshypemaster]

wylinh shippers, dni. dexiana shippers, 𝒹𝓂 𝓂ℯ...

[crippling-pages]

do you guys ever think about how much tam might've missed out on with the group because "oh he wouldn't like it."

if you think about it, tam's really different from the rest of the group. almost the entire group is filled with extroverts (sophie is probably intro, but she's used to them by now). keefe, fitz, dex, linh, biana, marella. all pretty social in my opinion.

and then we have tam. he's our little introvert. he doesn't enjoy talking to people, he doesn't talk much in general. he doesnt like loud gatherings that much. he would prefer to stay at home, probably reading a nice book.

but that doesnt mean he wouldnt want to be included. i feel like if the crew was going to go out and do something, it would be a very active and loud activity, probably something tam wouldn't really like. and when the groups making plans, someone says "okay who's gonna call tam?' and the group does this mutual eye contact thing like-

'idk if tam would enjoy it very much..'

'yeah, he probably wouldnt.'

'thats true.'

and tam probably wouldnt like it much on his own. but what he would like would be being apart of a group who wanted him there. the group thinks they're doing tam a favor but they're really not.

anyways do you think about this often or are you normal

[5hrignold]

they for real just had wander call himself worthless with no objection or indication that he’s wrong and it never got brought up again and that’s just how he sees himself apparently probably likely not