#this is a big part of why I stopped posting my art on social media

[beatrixstonehill2]

Kimberley's dad approached his daughter filming on his phone, zooming on the girl's plump ass. "Hello, sweetheart, say hi for the camera!"

"Oh, hello, daddy!" Kimberley said, turning. Her cock measured almost a foot long, quite hard, excessively swollen and red from so much masturbation. She waved to her dad, smiling.

"Look at how gorgeous you are. Excited to live at home with mom and me again?"

"I've been looking forward to it all semester! Um, sorry if my clothes are too skimpy..... My college wardrobe is a bit, well, tailored for college life."

"I bet you distracted the whole class with that big cock of yours hanging out."

"Oh yes! Girls would come up to me all day and service me, guys would just fuck me from behind and jerk me off. Oh! Sorry again.... was that too raunchy?"

"Nah, the family will just be happy to have you back in town for a while. I'm happy you've grown into such a sexually active girl. Last time you were living here you were so shy, but you were barely starting to transition by then. Once you went to college, though, your mother and I were delighted by how fast you went from a shy feminine boy to a total vixen. We watched all the videos you'd post. We couldn't believe how your social media was all about art and music one second, then you're in a tiny dress looking and sounding just like any other girl, getting fucked in the ass by two guys at once!"

Kimberley giggled. "That was a fun day, I think I had sex with over twenty boys! And of course.... I'm not quite like any other girl, daddy." Kimberley lifted and jerked her monster cock.

"Look at that thing. You really pumped it full supplements, huh? And those balls are so big I can hardly believe it...."

"Uh-huh! The guys at all the frat houses injected my cock with stuff to make it grow. And my balls are almost the size of my fists! I can cum a whole liter in one orgasm! Wanna see?"

"Why not? And I'm glad those boys did this to you, you look gorgeous with such a big cock, sweetie."

"Thank you, daddy." Kimberley rolled back her eyes, jerking with one hand as she grabbed one of her breasts and squeezed it until milk squirted out, she stared directly into her dad's eyes, jerking faster, eventually bringing her other hand from her breast to her fat ass, inserting her fingers, using her milk as lube, fisting her ass as she smiled and panted, increasing her rhythm for a while until she rapidly sped up both her cock pumping and her fisting until she squealed in a slightly boyish voice. She shot rope after rope of cum, almost twenty, creating a huge mess on the outer edges of their inground pool. By the end of her orgasm, Kimberley was lightheaded, drooling, eyes rolled back, her brain looking friend. "How..... did I do...... daddy?" she asked, licking the hand she used to fist herself.

"Perfect, sweetie. It's going to be so fun having you live with us....."

"How long has it been since you moved in with us, sweetie?" Kimberley's dad asked his hugely obese pig of a daughter.

"Mmmm, omffff," she stuffed her face, smiling, talking with her mouth open, "A bit over one year."

"Wow, and just how did you get so fat so fast, darling?"

"You guys don't stop feeding me all day...."

"No, we don't. What else have we done to get you so gorgeously fat?"

"You force funnel feed me weight-gain drinks a few times a day......"

"How many calories does our perfect, horny college slut consume a day?"

"At least thirty thousand calories. You and mom put me on a thirty-pound a month diet as soon as I settled in. I've put on 370lbs in one year," she explained, all with her mouth open, shoving fries in and chewing loudly.

"So how much does our oversexed angel weigh now?"

"Almost 500lbs...."

"Wow, from a petite, albeit fat-assed, slim and fit girl who's up for countless hours of sex and masturbation a day to such a pile of lard. What's your favorite part of being so hugely fat, darling?"

Kimberley smiled, blushing, unwrapping a double cheeseburger. "Everything...... I love struggling to walk. I love how hard it is to get up, to do anything. I was so into looking good and being sexy, now I hardly bathe. My heart feels like it's going to pop from putting on so much weight so fast! I'll never look slim and sexy again and that turns me on so much. Plus it makes my cock so hard when you two get so excited about fattening me up and seeing my weight go up and up. Even if I am totally gross now...." Kimberley said, all between belches, shoving the burger in her mouth, farting loudly, her stomach gurgling in so much distress the mic picked it up from a distance.

"That's our lovely daughter. Ever since you started transitioning, and posted those raunchy videos of you getting fucked in every hole, puking on guys' cock as you were cheered on, pregnant sorority sluts forcing your cock into their holes as they pinned you down or against a wall. You looked so divine. Your mom and I would discuss how fat we'd love to see you get ever since. Every night we'd fantasize about seeing you get so fat you can't walk, so fat your poor heart can't keep up with all the lard we pile on you. And most of all we fantasized about you loving every second of it, even as you have a heart attack, caked in grease, sitting in your own excrement, a total slob weighing over a thousand pounds, cumming as she feels her heart finally give up."

"Oh fuck! Mmmmm!" Kimberley came, lifting her belly a bit too fate, getting wad after wad of cum splattered against it, flatulating and groaning in discomfort as she pulled up her heavy belly, her fourteen-inch bloated cock shooting load after load across the living room floor. After finishing she clenched her chest, panting. "Oh fuck, daddy.... Mmmmm...... I can hardly breathe I'm so fat, my heart is pounding so much it hurts! Oh!"

Her dad smiled, taking her other hand, encouraging her to put her belly back down, piling all that heavy fat on top of her cock. "Good girl. You're everything we ever wanted out of a daughter. Now eat up, mom is about to prepare your next weight gain shake, so make sure you finish your second lunch by then, OK?"

"OK, daddy." She slowly returned to her bag and opened another double cheeseburger, still panting, sweating, letting out a few belches and farts as she resumed stuffing her face. Her dad felt so proud of how eagerly fat she became in so short a time, and couldn't wait to see how huge she'd get in another year, if her heart was up for the task.

[unrestrained-balderdash-art-blog]

Going on a Riddler fanart break

I'm having a break from posting Riddler fanart to Tumblr. The backlog will still be posted on Cara and Instagram (both @ tbalderdash), and if the break is long enough for it to catch up I will post things made during the break on there before Tumblr. I will still be posting bird art here. I will still post fanart for other fandoms here if I make any (I am currently undecided about non-Riddler DC). The break will be for at least a month. I will probably come back when the OCD medication has kicked in for a bit. Thank you for all of the support on the last post. I don't want to take a break, but I have to for my mental health.

"Organised" ramble about reasoning (this is heavily influenced by neurodivergence/mental illness and I am not trying to sound like an entitled/ungrateful twat. I don't want to guilt trip anyone, please don't feel guilty):

The Timezone Curse: Tumblr has a reverse-chronological dashboard. I am British. I live earlier than the majority of the userbase. I have no idea what time to post things so they don't get buried. Recently I've tried to stop waiting for the exact right minute to post things, as it doesn't stop them from flopping.

Likes vs Reblogs, (and OCD?): I will preface this and say: a lot of this is my brain's fault. Since Likes don't do anything to spread things, my brain gets upset when things keep getting Liked without Reblogged. Unless it is from a bird fan on the fanart, better artist, or irl friend, Likes mean nothing to me. I know this is silly and irrational, but I can't help it and this is the main reason why my brain is suffering posting fanart. I hope medication will fix my feelings. Additionally, OCD brain keeps trying to find a reason: Am I dislikable? Is my art bad? Does it have no appeal? Is it aphobia? Did I do something cancellable without knowing and now everyone hates me? I (think I) know the answer is people just don't use this website that way, but my brain is never sure. This is why I don't have the problem on the other websites, every like helps the algorithm and actually means something in my brain

The combination of the Timezone Curse and lack of reblogs means my art often gets barely any reach (or reach my brain deems meaningful). I desperately want to feel like part of the Riddler fandom community. Unfortunately, due to Tumblr making me suffer (overwhelmed by compulsive need to scroll entire dash, repulsed aroace, and simple posts being able to make me ruminate unpleasantly for a long time) I find it very hard to follow new blogs or connect with people on this site. I love birds, but I need Riddler interaction. I can't look at much fandom on other sites, as they have barely any/no tag filtering, which means I will suffer if I look for him.

Why it's just fanart and not birds affected by this: I started off as a fanartist with no expectation to get big with birds, so I had a que sera sera attitude and I post them whenever they're ready, I didn't expect to get big. I am more fulfilled when it comes to the bird interest (more community interaction + every day can have different birds out there + people in my real life are interested in birds). Additionally, the bird art spreads a lot more (due to bird blogs reblogging). Bird art is my "job" art (it is where I plan to make money from) whereas Riddler is where my passion lies the most (I still love the birds but I have many other ways of interacting with them without needing art). This means I get more emotionally invested in the Riddler art than the bird art

Is art becoming a compulsion? This applies to the birds as well, but since they're "job art" it doesn't matter too much. I keep being worried about not posting enough Riddler art, and feelings of social media sometimes overshadow the joy of creating - I keep thinking about posting, rather than doing. I get too anxious to make art that is "unpostable" (eg: self-insert and him hugging), especially due to the fact I'm trying to get more professional. I feel like there's more I want to expand on this but it's been too long and I'm tired. This break might help me do more high-quality art instead of having to churn it out out of fear of everyone forgetting me.

Sorry for all the text. I don't know if I've explained everything very well but it's been an hour and usually if I post something after 8 it fails, which I don't usually want to worry about but it's a bit important for an announcement like this

[thoughtsfromlayla]

The allegations are BS. THERE IS A BIG DIFFERENCE between saying “believe all women” and “the facts don’t matter, the allegation is the proof”. In this case, the sources and information are insanely vague and lack any sort of information that would constitute a true “allegation”. PEOPLE HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO INFORMATION BUT HAVE ALREADY DECIDED HE IS GUILTY. People don’t even know what he’s actually accused of anymore because the story has been fabricated and spun so heavily already. I see some saying “he sexually assaulted an actress” or “he assaulted his 20 year old nanny” or “he slept with his 20 year old nanny consensually but it’s still wrong because he’s famous” like WHAT?!? Those are all very different allegations, and not a single one of them have a true source or piece of verifiable information (could be YET or could be NOT AT ALL). Every “source” is just someone saying “I saw some other person say it”. It’s like a bad game of Telephone. It’s not real. Too many people nowadays can just say someone did something to them and people will take it and run with it without fact checking or researching a thing. There are no real, credible sources and absolutely ZERO verifiable pieces of evidence to even remotely prove that it’s true. Crazy that all it takes is for a person to say something online or in a podcast that’s completely made up and BAM- it’s everywhere and they have successfully ruined someones life and career while boosting their own platforms for a quick viral moment. Fame is a hell of a drug. People will do or say anything to have their moment and no one stops to ask “WHY would this person say this? WHY would this person want this particular fanbase to be involved? Why now? WHY would they reveal this allegation in such a silly and fake-sounding way that any lawyer or attorney would completely advise against until actual investigations have been conducted?” People will believe anything they read nowadays. Such a shame. And when the allegations are proven to be as fake and staged for a viral moment as they sound, I hope every person that so easily believed the lies and turned their backs without a shred of information or common sense feels ashamed of themselves. Social media has truly rotted peoples brains 🫠

What’s crazy is- whether Neil is guilty or completely innocent, his reputation and career are ruined. No information, no factual sources, no investigation info, and everyone has still already decided to stone him. The Sandman will likely be boycotted, Dead Boy Detectives will never see a second season, the Sandman fandom will fizzle (you already said that even you intend to be part of ending it on here). He is more than likely innocent and it won’t matter because people have already decided his fate. Sad as hell.

I would rather support the victims and be wrong and apologize than be silent about something like this. I will never feel ashamed for standing up for what I believe is right. Neither will I feel ashamed for learning that I was wrong and being taught better.

I said in my original post (which I'm assuming is what made you send in this in the first place) that I understand that the situation is very complex - that the information regarding both parties and the publishing company that made the story made the allegations unclear.

I've also said that I am still a Sandman fan, just that I will not support Neil Gaiman any longer. Which, wouldn't be all that difficult for me as I didn't even know his name until I watched the Netflix adaption of The Sandman. It took me another year to even bother looking him up and learning that he was also the author of other popular works that I enjoyed.

My love for The Sandman and the fandom is not tied in with Neil Gaiman. I love the actors and workers that made the show possible, too. I love the people who create art and write fanfics, that I've met because I decided to share my love for the fandom as well.

I also never said that I would stop posting my Sandman fanfics on here, just that I believe it would be best to refrain from doing do now given the circumstances. I believe myself to be a small and (relatively) new blog and one blog in the humongous fandom that is The Sandman. So even if I did decide to quit, I doubt would cause the fandom to fizzle.

At the end of the day, we don't know what kind of person Neil Gaiman is because he's just another person on the internet. You don't even know the kind of person I am and how and why I would take my stand the way that I do. If you want to defend Neil Gaiman and whether or not he is guilty or not is completely up to you.

If you don't agree with me, that's fine, but do not come onto my blog and tell me or other people how they should feel about the situation or shame them for being hurt by the information, too.

Layla

[katapotato55]

my theory as to why doomers exist (and how to break that mentality to be a better writer)

yesterday my sibling texted me "hey can you list me what major historical events you experienced in life for an assignment? " of course I listed the big ones like COVID and other depressing shit I went through in my life but most of the ones i listed were not super depressing. here are some of them: -the rise of steve jobs and the popularity of modern OS -the rise of smartphones -new technology completely changing the world that I thought I would never see in my lifetime, like VR and self driving cars. -massive cultural impacts such as spongebob being created affecting pop culture -the start of facebook and modern social media -pluto being declared not a planet yknow stuff on the top of my head that I thought would be interesting to write about.

then my sibling came home to tell me that most of what I sent was not helpful at all and that they meant "world events" And i asked "how the hell is the invention of the smart phone and the beginning of modern social media not considered "world events" by these standards" they said "idk just not that"

I think what they meant to say was "my teacher only wants the really depressing miserable shit the media thinks is headline worthy"

You know, I think this is why my generation is full of so many doomers. God forbid we have a positive outlook on this world and try and look at the bright side of things. god forbid we try to be optimistic for both the future and our current lives. we seem to have this thin veil of maturity that depressing=mature somehow. That the only way to make anything of nuance is to basically spam "look how shit everything is! look how enlightened I am" like you are Steve cutts.

well you know what ?

I hate art like the stuff steve cutts makes, and I hate this redundant "look how shit the world is" mentality

I plan on making an analysis post later on about Mr. Cutts, but for now let's stay on point this mentality is redundant and helps no one. yes. we do need to be aware of the bad parts of life. But being a pathetic miserable sod and ignoring the upsides is just as immature and childish as an aggressive optimist thinking the world is all sunshine and rainbows. you know why I like undertale so much ? Undertale knows when to be optimistic and has a mature take on a happy ending. Undertale ALLOWS itself to be happy. enough with the rick and morty level of writing where everything sucks and "fuck you in particular for being hopeful" only edgy 14 year olds think being depressing is the same as being mature. Maturity is understanding that there is nuance to everything and understanding that things are what they are. Do you want to be a good writer ? stop overly relying on being a sad doomer. Even the darkest writers in history like Edgar Allen Poe knew how to lighten the fuck up, because you need to understand the positives in life to effectively create dark writing.

thank you for reading this ironically negative rant, I plan to expand more on the subject later on.

EDIT

ngl i was honestly scared this post would open me up to harassment. I was genuinely terrified of attracting the psycho political crowd that treats politics like religious doctrine. first of all, shout out to this person:

I feel like this would be the perfect opportunity to talk about my struggle with depression as an artist and the stereotype behind it. the stereotype is that only the best artists are emotionally tortured people constantly struggling in agony and putting that into their art. now as someone who has been battling depression for 10 years let me tell you: that mentality is a load of horse shit. the greatest artists in history such as Van Gogh were not great artists because they were depressed they were great artists because they had a combination of passion and unique life experience. It just so happens that depression is a unique life experience to go through. being depressed does not make you deep, it just makes you feel empty and possibly sad depending on what flavor of depression you have. all the great stories about depression are not great because its about depression, but because its about the writers personal experiences and the love and hard work that went into making it. if Van gogh got treatment for his mental health issues, he would have still created art. Yes he created art as his job, but he also did it because he loved it and put his personal feelings and passion into his work. the biggest reason why I detest Steve Cutts is because there is no passion nor personal experience in his work. yes he is talented but most of his animations are just regurgitating all the bad things he could think of and nothing personal is going into it. (again I plan on making an analysis post about steve cutts sooner or later) What makes the art of Van Gogh deep and Steve Cutts as deep as a dry puddle is the fact that you can tell who put their own soul and personality into their work. heed my warning new artists and writers depression =/= deep all depression does is cripple you. Seek out life experience to be the best artist you can be.

[isiscelestia]

These are my predictions and advice for the Saturn in Pisces transit. This is my first time posting a transit interpretation for each rising sign, so please be nice! I hope you all enjoy❤️

SATURN IN PISCES

- Aries rising (Pisces 12H): Lucky for you, Saturn enjoys being in the 12th house. Prepare to go on some deep self discovery. Saturn in Pisces will be helping you with introspection into the dark, unseen parts of yourself. Think about the parts of yourself that you keep hidden from the rest of the world. I recommend doing shadow work during this transit because you need to do some soul searching. Find out what you love and hate about yourself and your past. Learn to embrace not just what you like about yourself, but all aspects of you. This is a wake up call, a new journey is about to embark and a different (a more mature you) is coming out on the other end. Your subconscious wants structure, improvement, an overall better you mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. Be careful with substances, drinking, or other things you could be addicted to (food, social media, etc).

- Taurus rising (Pisces 11H): You are beginning to reevaluate your role/position in your friend groups and community. Take the opportunity to strengthen your boundaries with people. Who around you is beneficial and who isn’t? Who enables you? Who adds structure to your life and who adds confusion? These are some questions you may be asking yourself. Don’t be afraid to retreat or go into hermit mode to really decipher who you call your friend and your community. Your relationship with the internet (social media perhaps) will also be causing some strife. Learn how to limit your time on social media and do not let it distract you. It is time for you to learn how to stop letting your habit/obsession with social media be the blockade for your goals and manifestations. Take the time and put in the work into your aspirations! Don’t feed into peer pressure, learn how to add structure into your social life, and remember to stay on top of the work you need to do to accomplish your goals.

- Gemini rising (Pisces 10H). I don’t know if you know it or not, but people will be having their eyes on you! I need this group to push their creative image. Whether you do music, art, write, or others, this is a great opportunity to showcase this side of you to the world. Even if it’s not creativity, it could be your emotions, your dreams, or even your interest in the occult. What you decide to show about yourself is becoming your reality. Prepare to add some discipline in your life, this is the push you need. Be careful with getting side tracked from your goals and remember to stick to your plans, but remember to not go overboard. Remember that other aspects of your life need focus too, not just your career and image.

- Cancer rising (Pisces 9H): Are ready to embark on a deeper spiritual journey! This transit is about to have you asking the right questions about your faith, what do you believe? If you are in school you may be questioning why you’re there, or you may start getting impatient about going to the next level after school. My advice is to not rush anything, you need to dot your i’s and cross your t’s. This transit is great for introspection into religion, spirituality, and philosophy. Thinking critically is a big theme during this transit, but be sure to use discernment. Stay away from the fakes and the zealots! Also stay away from the “holier than thou” people and don’t develop that rhetoric either!

- Leo rising (Pisces 8H): Be ready to start building financial wealth and fortune! It will not be an easy feat and you will have to stay on top of what you need to do for material gain. This transit will also help you connect in a deeper sense; just know that secrets will be revealed. You are about to go through some transformation and inner growth, especially when it comes to being comfortable with your shadow self. Make sure that you are careful around bodies of water, especially the ocean. Learn how to trust your intuition, especially if you are putting more work into your spiritual journey and practices.

- Virgo Rising (Pisces 7H): I see someone is about to be reevaluating their personal relationships. I want you all to be upping your standards in this department because the people in your life are about to show you who they really are, and no this is not just about romantic relationships! Even thought it can be about a romantic relationship, your relationships in general are about to change. Stay away from friends and partners who are not clearly communicating with you, and if their intentions with you are not clear then maybe you need to reevaluate that relationship. Things could get mucky here because you may experience your boundaries being crossed or you could have trouble with discernment in your relationships. My best advice is to trust your gut on this, and take off the rose-colored glasses. This is the time for you to try and see who people really are because if you don’t it could turn into a situation where you will be dragged down with them.

- Libra rising (Pisces 6H): Take extra care of your bodies! What you put into your body is important and how you treat your body is important. You may be noticing that certain foods/substances not going well with you, or you may even be thinking about trying new things for your health. Physical wellness is taking a forefront in your life. If you are working, your job will be testing your patience and I say that this is a good thing you should experience. If you don’t learn patience in the workplace/patience when working with others during this transit you will crash and burn. Add structure into your daily routine because this transit will be teaching you about responsibility. As long as you stay vigilant and patient, in the end you will come out victorious. Be sure to take care of your immune system during this time and beware of foot injuries.

- Scorpio rising (Pisces 5H):During this transit you have to learn how to limit how much you are partaking in your pleasures. Overconsumption could be an issue during this time because we all need to learn that too much of a good thing could be a bad thing! Being spontaneous will not come easy but my solution to this is being open to things you weren’t open to before. Please don’t over analyze your productivity because it will affect your self expression and creativity. Right now you should be working on creating an environment and a lifestyle that truly reflects you. You may be attracting older romantic partners or your love life may feel slow/inactive, but be sure not to rush any connection. Stay away from people who hinder your self expression and people who refuse to see you for who you truly are.

- Sagittarius rising (Pisces 4H): What truly makes you feel secure? What makes you comfortable? To answer these questions you need to look back at your roots. You will be going through some life-altering changes when you do look deep into your family history. All of you won’t be moving but you will feel the need to reorganize your space for your own comfort. If you are moving or reorganizing your space, be sure that you are prepared to take on that responsibility. In this capitalistic world, your home should be where you feel safe. If you don’t feel comfortable or relaxed in your own home, then how can you get adequate rest? Also, building your safe haven won’t be done in a day or a week. Just know that it will take time, but be sure to put in good effort.

- Capricorn rising (Pisces 3H): The way you think and the way you speak is going to change for the better. Move away from close/mindedness and learn how to do some real introspection. This is not the time to only think at a surface level because it is not fulfilling and it’s hindering your growth. Work on being able to communicate clearly and openly. During this time you may be getting a lot of brain fog or feel like your brain is being overactive. Learn how to not overthink and jump to conclusions because the things you see and hear may not be the way they are. This is why I said earlier that you need to learn introspection and think outside of your usual viewpoint.

- Aquarius rising (Pisces 2H): This transit is going to be all about finances, material, and self-worth. I think this group should learn to not associate their self-worth with the material they have. I think this group is going to learn how detrimental it is to put all their time and effort into financial and material growth only. Yes adding structure to your life and being responsible (this means not being frivolous) should be helpful to your pockets, but this should not be where all your validation is coming from. Your finances should not be the only thing you’re putting all your effort in. Sit and think about why your self worth comes from material and unpack that. Beware of people in your life who are using you for material because they are not presenting themselves that way on the outside.

- Pisces rising (Pisces 1H): The rose-colored glasses are coming off and you will truly see yourself for what/who you really are. Do you like yourself? Do you like what you’re becoming? Take your time when you are deciphering what changes you want to make to yourself and your appearance. You may even begin to be self conscious but in the end you should learn how not to be so self critical and superficial. Let go of what you think you should be/look, and focus on what makes you feel good. During this time you should be working on erasing the illusions that you have because it is not beneficial for you, and in the end you will be coming out a new you! Beware of being delusional and not being real with yourself. Inconsistency in your life should not be tolerated at this time either, people who love themselves are consistent!

[vaninakan]

Late night thoughts vol. 1

It's 4 am and I cannot sleep so I'm just gonna splooge some random thoughts that I have (some positive, some negative, and some that's probably just nonsense.)

Uhh, I like to get negatives out of the way first so I guess I can start with that.

- Does anyone else miss when art/animation communities felt more niche but open? I'm particularily talking about the animation meme community here cause that's a community I've more or less lurked in for a long time. I remember a time when there was the big three of animation memes a lot of people and myself were inspired by. It feels silly to say that what got me into art were a bunch of independent artists animating anime cats fighting eachother, but that's exactly what happened. I loved these creators (still do) and I looked forward to seeing what else these creators had to offer. As time went on, more creators came in the fray with a lot of cool talent and craftmanship and it was honestly very cool seeing what everyone had to offer. That's something I loved most about AMC, that so many were able to feel free to create whatever they wanted and how wonderful it paid off to see that creativity put into so many special masterpieces of independent art and animation, and that's something I'll always admire. So it breaks my heart to see what the AMC has became. Don't get me wrong, there's still a ton of great artists out there and y'all are fantastic, but I cannot help but feel like the environment in that community especially had gotten a lot more vile than what it started off as. To be fair, that's pretty much any community these days, I'm well aware of that. But I have never seen so much drama, so much infighting, and so much people being deplorable to eachother in my life that it's honestly sickening! I've always wanted to make my own animation memes and I still do, I have a TON of ideas I'd love to get to eventually, but if I ever decide to post them, don't expect me to engage much with the rest of the community. IMO, the best communities you can have are the small close ones you have with your best pals.

- For the past few years, I've been distancing myself from big social media branches and fandoms because of how toxic the environments can be for some of these spaces especially, and it's honestly helped a lot with my mental health (Deleting my Twitter and moving here has honestly been one of the best things I've done last year). It's partially why I've stopped posting so frequently, because really the only people I truly care about pleasing are me and all my close friend groups and found families I've built. I don't really care about statistics and platform building, if people like my stuff, then that's cool. I can look at a post I made with bigger numbers than usual and go "huh, that's pretty neat" and then move on talking about a crossover AU I've been cooking up with my boyfriend. That's not to say I don't appreciate my followers or people who like my content, I do. But know that what I make isn't catered to what'll get me the most attention, it's what'll make me and my family happy. And if people like that, then that's cool. Maybe every now and then I'll ask my followers what they'd like to see, maybe a fanart raffle or sketch request event, I think that'd be nice. But for the most part, this page is very, and I mean VERY self indulgent.

- Uhh I've been doing okay for the most part, personal issues I don't wanna get to aside. I've mainly been working on plushies, commissions and other self indulgent projects. I mentioned before that I got into the latest Cookie Run game, and that's pretty cool. I've mostly focused on making art for that and mine and my boyfriend's OC/AU projects. I'll post more about it when I get there, but for now uhh... gay people.

You'll learn who these guys are soon enough, for now you'll only get name drops

The big gruff fellow is a lava rock golem named Vulcan and the pretty boy is named Jack Frosting.

- And I think that's mostly it for tonight? This post took me a full hour to write so it's actually 5 now as I'm finishing up oops..

My sleep schedule's fucked.

Uhh any final words before I pass out? Hmm..

Gender dysphoria sucks okay BYYYEEEEEEEEEE!!!!

[julymarte]

remember that server that warned me and deleted my posts cause i was underselling and stuff?

MIND YOU I AGREE THAT UNDERPRICING IT'S HARMFUL TO THE BIGGER PICTURE BUT THIS IS NOT ABOUT THAT today i tried to apply to their art seller role (that was removed from me back then) and i found it so....detached??? let me elaborate to apply for that role you need to send a form where you show your listings and send proof of payment for at least one of your commissions and provide said commission to certify you are not a scammer , i was already feeling a bit uncomfortable sharing payment informations even if i had nothing to hide and the client's data would have been censored like....bruh but still...i was unsure if the kofi order documentation was enough or if they wanted the screenshot from paypal with al the other data of the transaction(cause that's what they normally request people to submit) so i asked about that but i unfortunately had happened to send my material in the incorrect way so when i got the response from a mod via an automated bot reply not answering my question i was confused so i went to the chat and asked if i could talk to a human and they said oh just write to the bot and???? so i just remade the form asking the question inside the form again...seems like i got in but everything was super cold like i'm totally in for formal things, i am fine with professionality but that felt...like... the whole server is operated by the bot system...i understand that it's a big server but... right the other day i was talking with a couple of friends how the art community is freezing.... it's not just about the advent of AI but also about the fact that people have stopped interacting with art as something another person made but as if they are consuming a product and no one is on the other side that server is about selling a product. tou have to lower your prices cause you are struggling? i don't care raise them cause you are ruining the market, you have a problem? ask the bot or other social medias completely ruled by algorithms?? people stopped interacting with art as they used to just a few years ago, there are less comments less human interaction people leave a like and leave, i'm on several servers and only in few of them people actually have a positive interaction among eachother, i've been trying to make conversations or ask for ideas in my own server too but the more impersonal something is the more willing people are to take part like several people voted for a poll that could have been left unanswered if it was just a simple question... it's so depressing and alienation tbh... and part of the reason why my creativity is dying everything has become a product, you have to think about your audience, you have to think about the time you post, the format, you have to create a package ready to be consumed just to hope to be seen by someone that will say something to you....mind you i'm an introvert with social anxiety i don't like talking to people it stresses me out but i'm a human being and being social creatures is in our nature... idk i'm just rambling at this point but eh.... sad....

[mercurytrinemoon]

So this is a ✨masterlist✨

⭐️ READINGS AND E-BOOKS ⭐️ INSTAGRAM ⭐ MY KO-FI ACCOUNT ⭐ REQUEST A TOPIC ⭐ SYNASTRY READINGS ⭐

🪐 ASTROLOGY BASICS 🪐

House meanings in astrology part I

House meanings in astrology part II

Simple & quick astro tips that people don’t talk about often

Me debunking astrology generalizations and misconceptions or smth idk…

On houses, house rulerships & how ya’ll should stop associating them with signs + a rant on the meaning of the 8th house

Astro basics: electional astrology

On synastry and how to approach it

Explaining exaltations

A lil guide to why you're not identifying with your natal chart

Chart rectification tips

On house systems and my reasoning behind using whole sign house system

💫 FUN STUFF 💫

Trying to describe each sign’s appearance but just complimenting them instead…

If you want to look into your chart to see your commited partner/marriage

Electional astrology: social media charts pt 1

Electional astrology: social media charts pt 2

The art of guessing rising signs

Something on annual profections and how they’re bomb af

🌙 SIGNS & PLANETS 🌙

Another post on Moon signs you can drag me for

Signs and their creative talents

Keywords for overall energies of the signs

Random thoughts on Moon signs and why Aries Moon is annoying to have

Natal Saturn in the houses

Saturn in Aquarius culture

Saturn Return how-to

A fresh perspective on the lunar nodes

Different look at sign triplicities part 1: air signs

Let's talk about sex, Venus and Mars

🌘 OTHER STUFF 🌘

Titanic, the Titan sub, James Cameron and how they're all connected

Jean-François Champollion: the guy who cracked the Egyptian hierogliphs

Neurodivergence in the birth chart and the issue of "aspects that indicate xyz"

My very VERY impromptu Trump-Kamala thoughts

🌞 CELEBRITY CHARTS 🌞

random observations: celebrity edition

random observations: celebrity edition part 2

Random observations: (Gemini-coded) celebrity edition part 3

Aries risings and eclipses: comebacks and rebrands

The Grammys 2024 aka it's Sagi season: a recap

Katy Perry-John Mayer synastry chart anlaysis

Halsey's natal chart analysis

Billie Eilish's natal chart analysis

Britney Spears-Justin Timberlake synastry chart analysis

Rita Ora-Taika Waititi quick synastry analysis

Sarah Michelle Gellar-Freddie Prinze Jr. synastry analysis

Taylor Swift-Matty Healy synastry analysis

Doja Cat's birth chart analysis

Olivia Rodrigo birth chart analysis

Taylor Swift-Travis Kelce synastry analysis

Gwen Stefani-Gavin Rossdale synastry analysis

Austin Butler-Kaia Gerber synastry analysis

🃏 TAROT 🃏

Some thoughts on pairings of queens and kings of the same tarot suit

TAGS: ⭐️ all of my big astro posts ⭐️ my tarot thoughts ⭐️ random astro stuff ⭐️

[aemerge]

i spent a lot of time off social media - most of the last year with a few exceptions and i am just recently coming back to it. there are a lot of reasons for that + this past few years (though *especially* this last year and a half being sober), ive had what feels like whole other lifetimes of experiences, and i felt further isolated because i didnt think i could identify with anyone and what is/was the point of posting anything. its a big part of why when i ever do post, i often stick to pictures or other NVC-type stuff and i dont share much written word.

once i did start tuning back into facebook and tiktok though, i realized how actually not alone i am in a lot of the ways that i think and other things i have been inspired to discover on my own - which maybe hasnt been the quickest way to learn and become a little wiser, though i believe that was my path for a reason.

it really started for me when i committed suicide in 2013 and woke up in a hospital 3 days later; i suppressed me seeings and feelings from then on with mostly alcohol and weed until my actions necessitated sobriety. but that was the beginning of true acceptance and beauty. finally i accepted meditation; discovered the "Gateway process" pioneered by Robert Monroe. ive filled dozens of notebooks this past year or two with words, crude sketches and drawings, a mishmash of multiple forms of communication and languages that most people might find illegible and non-understandable at best, others might see it all as completely insane. yet i continue to feel compelled to share some of it and knowing that there are others out there who see and think and feel as i do, my fear of judgement etc has still held me back. so here is me trying to get over that and begin sharing some of my... "personal occult art" and inner work, inspirations and realizations, visions of reality greater than the physical here and now... things like that. ways i process. and maybe no one will get anything out of my bad handwriting and crude art; im finally sharing for me and it feels like the part ive been missing to complete some of this and to stop holding on to it all, is just to let it go into the ether and let myself be seen for better or worse. i am more whole than i have ever been, whether perceived as crazy or not.

i will probably begin posting this stuff with as little additional context or explanation as possible. or maybe i will share with pieces of my story. i hope the FB compression allows for zooming and detail, theres a good amount of hidden stuff in here. often i start with writing and it just becomes something else...

so here's one i still reflect on often. i still find new insights and revelations in this as i do in so many journal pages and notebook entries that helps me keep and create new perspective. i believe this one started as a reflection on both what is between my wife and myself and what i desired to build and create there.

science, magic, spirituality; right, left, liberal "vs" conservative, etc... are all intersections of each other; made for each other. we should think about integrating them all. i will leave it at that.

love you.

[qwilman]

Losing your Twitter Audience: Some Shit of the Top of  My Head, by Me

Reposting a Twitter thread I just made because it's got a lot of thoughts I've had stuck in my head lately:

I don't have a fully-formed version of these thoughts, but I think what a lot of artist are asking when they say "where will we go after twitter" is actually asking "where are all of the normal people going to end up?" I can name a half-dozen sites that are ready and waiting for more artists to come flooding onto their platform. I'm sure there are just as many for writers, musicians, filmmakers, everything else. The actual question everyone needs an answer to is where is the AUDIENCE going.

I've been terminally online for well over two decades at this point. I've been obsessed with the internet since middle school and I can honestly say I've never seen anything like twitter's user base in my entire goddamned life. I've never seen a website that EVERYBODY uses. The closest comparison I have is Facebook, which was really the first internet community that normal people ever truly appreciated. At it's core though, Facebook was a tool that kept you connected with people you knew in real life. As much as it changed, that idea was its bones. Twitter isn't really like that. It doesn't have shared calendars or photo albums or a base instinct to keep you hooked into communities you're already in. Twitter has performance in it's core. It's a bullhorn you pick up to shout to as many people as possible. As much as it's changed that's still it's core feature, the thing it's always going to want to do. That's why it's so appealing for every performer in the world, and I think since most people who don't want to be on stage want to watch a show, that's why it got so huge.

So a bunch of performers can reach enormous audiences and a bunch of us managed to make a living off of it. The question now that this stage is burning down with us on it is where is the next one, and I just don't think this massive audience is ever going to move in unison. I think the thing we all need to be prepared for is that we're going to fragment. We're going to find our own corners again and the more savvy members of our audiences are going to find those same corners as they seek out what they love, but our causal viewers will veer off. Twitter has been an incredible tool for us to put our art in the faces of people who would never think to look for it. This was a big part of what the people who found success on Facebook benefitted from as well, the audience who treated social media like television.

The people who are just looking for an entertainment box to turn on and comfort them without effort are most likely never going to use a Pillowfort, or a Tumblr, or a Cohost, and DEFINITELY not a Mastodon, because they all require a base level of interaction and engagement. And to be clear, this isn't me calling those people stupid, or a "bad" audience. People have their own lives and their own interests. Curating a feed of content requires effort and seeking out new artists is a skill. A lot of people just want to crash after they got off work. So those people aren't going to follow us to new sites. Either because those new sites are improved, but more esoteric, or just because signing up for a new site is a hassle of it's own. We're going to lose that audience. Period. Mourn them if you need to, but accept that.

I think success for artists online in the future is going to look a lot more like what it was in the early 00's-10's. Artists and willingly-engaged audiences seeking each other out. I just don't think putting as many eyes as possible on our work will be a winning strategy. Instead of finding as many people as possible, we need to be focused on finding the right people. 100 followers who are excited that their you, specifically, just posted are as valuable as 1000 followers who don't remember you that well and just want to see some cool art. A lot of people stopped trying to find their 1,000 true fans and focused completely on reaching 10k, 50k, 100k followers, no matter how closely they're paying attention. Honest to god, I think the later is going to be suicide in five years.

FWIW, I've never actually been any good at doing that. The biggest following I've ever had in my life is a little over 3,000 followers in TikTok. I think I just feel weird seeing a bunch of artist who have "made it" panic that they'll be losing everything when Twitter's gone. If you have 10k, 50, 100k followers right now, I don't think it's useful to focus on how many you're about to lose. Instead focus on who the best 10% of those followers are, the ones who've supported you financially and by sharing your work, do what you can to meet them where they live.

Anyway this started as an attempt to excise a stray thought I've had stuck in my head all week, didn't mean to spend 45 minutes on it. The point is get ready to post like it's 2007 again. Best case scenario, the internet is going to be asking a little more effort from all of us pretty soon, but I think at the end of the day if things go right we're all going to come out the other side better for it. If you made it this far, dig through your feed, pick one or two of your favorite artists who have links in their bio to give them money, then give them a little money. I promise you they'll notice.

[godsstrongestangel]

✨ HOW TO DEVELOP AIR ENERGY ✨

Refer to part 1 -

Journaling

Journaling helps air signs put all of the clutter in their mind on a paper it's gives a sense of clarity so they can revolve their thoughts around it, also it can be a big release for them it's like taking a weight off their brains ( which they might be trying to achieve through substances). To be very specific in journaling if air signs have to write down for expressing their emotional desires they have to write it off the bat!!!

NO FILTER no need to write oh I wanna manifest this mindset, oh maybe I shld write nice words!! What if these are affs..nono I shld write my desire reality..nono lemme write some affs ughhhhhhh NOOOOOOO!!!!

Writing what's not truly on ur mind will load up ur brain by suppressing what is in ur brain, Do not modify ur thoughts on paper just go raw.. modifying is a big no no for this sign u won't manifest in the ways others do leave that work to others and don't force positivity on ur brain or on paper be natural and just release in the most authentic way possible

Goals can be written by firstly writing what do they desire and how do they think they can get closer to it - go with flow charts for solutions or ideas and it's ok if while reading this you don't know what your goals are. Take it step by step and start by emotional writing

Meditation

Now again a clarity that they thought they could get from substances!! Meditation will really help them focus start by 5min a day and then gradually increase. For initial levels try guided meditation and then without any music or guided video. Though you will reap best results by journaling and meditating altogether

Sound medicine

Simply listening to certain sound frequencies or even meditating to them can help them heal and gain clarity as this can be useful if they are prone to music addiction already. You can try soundcloud

Drawing/painting

Air energy is naturally expressive in nature and it doesn't always have to be words, sometimes their art speaks volume u can try drawing or imitating any art u find attractive u can experiment or do anything as this is very thereaupatic and healing for the mind

Social media detox/ stopping binge watching

This is to give ur brain a pause or relief although many air signs naturally hit a phase where they stop consuming entertainment, it's considered a part of the development process and henceforth they can become selective with info they are feeding into their brains

Making to do lists

Air signs are often loaded up with thoughts hence they are prone to forgetting things although they might mistake it for Alzheimer but that's not really the case. Therefore creating a to do list will remind them of the tasks also don't add more than 5 tasks otherwise the brain will be overwhelmed and u r more likely to discontinue the practice

Other steps can include writing blogs (like me), solving jigsaw puzzles, algebra or some basic math stuff, coloring and painting, singing or acting, writing stories or anything they like, reading good quotes, philosophies.

Have a great life ahead guys...

I know this has been real helpful, answers the queries and trust me the solution lies in simplicity. I hope we all can cultivate our potential by working day by day.

Ty!! For waiting for me to post this

Lots of love 💗

#airsigns #air energy #libra #gemini #aquarius #gemini rising #gemini moon #libra moon #gemini sun #aquarius moon #aquarius rising # aquarius sun #libra sun

[rayatii]

Okay so in my Art of Theater class, we were each asked to do a presentation on a topic of our choice relating to theater, and the topic I chose was opera, as a form of theater. I presented it in late March, it ended up being rather successful, and my teacher liked it well enough to ask me to present it to her other section of that same course, which I did. And so today I had my final exam for this course, so this inspired me to post the slides of my presentation (well, I already had this idea on the day of the presentation, but it’s a convo with @smile-at-the-stars​ yesterday that truly motivated me to work on it), alongside an approximation of the extra stuff I said orally while presenting.

(Note: the star-shaped bullet points are actually gold-colored, for some reason, when I converted the slides into either JPEG or PNG format, they keep getting colored white. I have no idea why.)

“When I say ‘opera’, you may think of a singer standing on a stage and singing in a style some of you might find weird or even unpleasant. Yeah, that’s not opera. That’s just singing. Lyrical singing, or classical singing, or whatever you want to call it. Opera specifically is when this type of singing is placed within a theatrical context.”

(To show the difference between an aria and a recitative, I sang the first 8 measures of Vedrai, carino, and used this audio, which I cut at around 0:32)

Here, I emphasized why I highlighted the word “acting” in the grid above, and also explained that opera students at my Conservatory are given the basics of Italian and German, in order to better understand what they are singing about.

As an example of how singers have to properly convey the emotions of the character they are portraying as they sing, I mentioned an anecdote about the time I was practicing L’ho perduta, which is about a young girl who lost an object and is desperately searching for it, and my voice teacher told me something like: “do not sing it in a grand manner, you are not La Contessa with a big voice. You are this little girl who is desperately searching for that pin she lost”. In order to show the difference to the students, I sang the first couple lines of L’ho perduta in a somewhat grand way, and then I sang it again in a more subdued way that better reflects the context.

(I mentioned that in L’Orfeo, the living world is represented by string instruments while the Underworld is represented by brass instruments, but that’s not very important.)

I also added that even in upcoming opera season announcements all over the world that had come out recently, you can find L’Orfeo in quite a few of them.

“I’m gonna stop here, because otherwise this would take WAY too long. I highly recommend you read more about the history of opera.”

To give the others a better idea of what I mean by “vocal virtuosity”, I briefly sang the first 2 measures of Lütgen’s Etude No. 8 (the clarinet part; up till 0:05).

My commentary on Barber of Seville: “This is the opera that ‘FIGARO, FIGARO, FIGARO’ comes from”. And Lucia di Lammermoor: “You might recognize some of the music from it if you’ve watched The Fifth Element, the scene with the alien singing opera”.

I described Wagner’s operas as having “MASSIVE orchestrations, requiring HUGE voices, lasting like 4 hours”.

I mentioned that Bohème is one of my favorite operas, and that it’s the opera that RENT was based on.

I explained that operetta tends to contain spoken dialogue.

“If you mention microphones in the opera circles on social media (e.g. Reddit), you will be sure to start a war” (it’s kind of an exaggeration, but 😝).

“You cannot cry while singing, because it messes your vocal cords.”

“I chose these two opera houses to show you the difference between a proscenium stage (the format of most opera houses around the world, just like theatres) and an arena, as we learned some time ago during this course.”

Palais Garnier: “which is where the Phantom of the Opera lives”.

The Sydney Opera House “is much more well-known for its exterior than its interior, but it actually houses several venues. The main venue is just concert hall, but the one in the picture here (the Joan Sutherland Theatre) is where operas are typically performed”.

The Bayreuth Festspielhaus: “which performs exclusively works by Wagner. I chose to show you this one because it has a bit of an unusual structure; it rather resembles the thrust stage format, and the orchestra pit is located kind of under the stage”.

The video in question (subs by Yours Truly, except the ones in the last footage, which were already there, when I downloaded it from the Met’s channel).

The following week iirc, the teacher mentioned Diana Damrau’s Queen of the Night as one example of stylized makeup, as opposed to realistic makeup, and I added that it’s because that opera is a fairy tale opera or sorts.

[mumza03]

Showfall Media Special Announcement Keynote!

I'm losing it rn there are so many ideas I have for this video, its going to be pretty much split in two (each a diffrent font so if you just want my ideas and no recap go to the italic)

Recap time this is a lot:

starts with a white screen with GEN 1 in the top left corner, then it changes to the showfall logo and a little tune like the last video posted.

Surprise! we get to see the man with the box over his face's face! he says "hello! and welcome to showfall media. for years we have provided endless entertainment for families all around this world."

the video does a TV style glitch but its in red, and over the static are the words "hello?"

the glitch stops and cuts back to box man, "we are more excited then ever to bring our influence to a new frontier, with our new live experience, we have spent months developing, researching, and connecting with this new frontier and we are thrilled with the results."

another static glitch, this time with the message "where is this signal going?"

back to the dude, "with out state of the art, brand new technology, we're giving you! The viewer at home, control of aspects of our show."

mid sentence his head starts to freak out, his face is blurry and it moves unnaturally.

then he's back to normal, "your choice will matter so be sure to make the right one or the effects could be devastating for our hero. Our hero will meet a cast of crazy characters, some of who you may recognize." on his left and right two pictures of men pop up both of their eyes and mouths are blacked out.

this is the guy on the left

and this is the guy on the right

at the bottom of the screen here are the words "Found them!"

he keeps talking, "which are sure to keep things entertaining and unexpe-" here he get cut off.

the screen turns back and theres red writing on it "is this working?" "I don't have much time" "I don't know what's happening" "i don't know what you are"

"It already found him" background turns to a missing poster from last time. This time its much easier to see who is on the poster and its Ranboo.

"it got everyone" "everyone but me" "I have to save them" "I have to stop this"

and now back to box man, "we are so excited to be showing you this world for the first time, which is why we are not limiting it to just one show. that would be such a waste of this opportunity. be sure to join us for this three part viewing experience. starting on may 24th continuing on may 26th, and concluding with our big finally," his face does the glitty thing like earlier in the video, " on may 28th you can only find it on." and thats where he is cut off.

screen goes black for a second, then box man come back on but his face is featureless, theres static, and GEN 1 is back in the top left. then some new text pops up: "GEN 1: the social experament"

May 24

May 26

May 28

6pm EST

your chosen viewpoint: Twitch.tv/Ranboolive

Here is where the video ends.

in the description box is the binary code reading "let the show begin"

Here are my thoughts on how all of this either connects to past videos or posts and what I think this means for "Our Hero" to reuse this phrase from box man. I strongly believe that Show fall is in control of everything happening in the story, they found "them" and are looking for GL!Ranboo right now. I think that the people that were taken are now apart of the cast, or at least for the most part this is the situation. perhaps the two men in the photos above escaped from Showfall with Ran after learning about a horrible thing that Showfall did. probably relevant to this big project being announced. The two of them look kind of like sneeg and charlie to so I think that they might be involved in genloss as well , but im not 1,000 percent sure, but it would be on brand for them. final thoughts would have to be about the word choice of box man, the fact that he kept saying "this frontier" to me implying that our universe/world/timeline/any other way for showfall to not be apart of this place we are in is some where new to them. However that could be written off as frontier of this interactive video formate. i kinda like my first thoughts over this more.

[cyrsed]

man i like never use that 'more like this' section of people's mobile blogs to find more posts on their blog but i can tell people use it on mine bc there's certain art of mine that gets liked in groups and it's 100% bc what tumblr decides to put in the 'more like this' section on my art, which is ig kinda neat but it means that like, for example a wip i posted gets way more eyes on it than the actual finished version bc tumblr decided to show the wip and not the final in the sidebar.

and bc of that section it seems like people are less likely to go through actual tags in the blog curated by the Blogger and more likely to just click through some of the "more like this" posts and then stop there. and maybe those people would never have gone through a tag anyway, but it feels like kind of a shame that there's stuff i'm more proud of that i can't like, designate as suggested posts or anything. altho i can and do tag things meticulously so the opportunity to see things in an organized way is there :] idk if maybe part of it could be a newer/younger tumblr user thing? or just a general consequence of social media going toward just feeding you content rather than letting you search it out.

anyway in general i prefer looking through tags where possible bc it's an experience intended by another user instead of algorithmically generated suggestions, but also it's not really that big a deal it's just slightly annoying to see this one wip keep getting notes and i know WHY

[warchiefeny]

I was gonna write up a thread on twitter about how my semi-break from social media was going, but I realized I had a lot more on my mind and I... haven’t done a proper blog post in years so why not. Content warning I guess for mental health/abuse talk.

Since I haven’t mentioned it here, for the last month or two I’ve been on a break from checking my timeline on social media. I can’t afford to not post artwork because I still make a good chunk of money from commissions, but it didn’t need to be a full cut off anyway. Honestly it felt great, and despite breaking it a little and reblogging here and there atm, I think I’m gonna continue for the most part. Maybe it was bad timing with twitter exploding, but I really needed to retreat into myself and engage with content on my own terms. You don’t always realize how much of your day is sucked up by social media, really. The only thing that kinda sucked was missing out on dank memes or cool content from friends, mutuals, and other cool people. The reason why I wanted to write a blog here and not on twitter is because I realized how so much of the things I realized about myself weren’t just about social media, but just my life in general. And also character limits. Definitely character limits. This isn’t my first time recognizing or noticing it, but dealing with commissions all the time and making a portfolio appealing for other jobs, I realized how much I lost myself in the process. And while seeing floods of really cool and good art is great, sometimes I would forget what really made me myself. Or what I even wanted out of anything. You draw so much for other people that you have to step back and ask if you’re making the right decisions or if you’re just doing what you think is profitable, and if it’s only a job then why does it matter what you do? What do you care to do when it’s just you? And to that end, who was I being right now in my own life? I felt like I lost myself in a lot of ways, like I wasn’t free to be who I was anymore. And this isn’t related to art, but when you have a particular belief system or way of doing things it tends to colour the rest of your actions in life. One catalyst to all this was when last summer I learned how to tell people to fuck off again and stopped caring so much about how likeable I had come off to people. In my 20s I had over corrected the dickish behaviour from my teens at the expense of my own personal boundaries and I had just finally snapped over it. It wasn’t that I wanted everyone to love me but I cared more about how other people felt than how I felt. It was this fucked up idea that I had to take everything on the chin or else I was irrational or selfish. I realized a lot of this came from the abuse I got from how I was raised, and it wasn’t until this year actually that I realized that I even had been abused because all the adults around me growing up were apart of the same cult. The amount of relief I felt over taking back my boundaries and not caring if people got mad was cathartic. But that’s not it entirely either, and frankly I’m tired of talking or thinking about that part of my life anymore. For the last couple of years I just felt like I stopped feeling safe to be myself. I’d never been one to think that accolades give you more than a fleeting sense of accomplishment, but there was some small part of me that felt like I needed certain things so I wouldn’t feel so embarrassed. Which is also kind of crazy, because when I had no money, no job, no license, no big-ish follower count, less physical strength, less stable mental health, etc... there were people who loved to be around me and wanted to hear what I had to say. People who wanted to seek me out and thought of me highly enough to admire me, and I didn’t have to hide or change anything about how I was presenting myself. And I wasn’t perfect about that stuff back then either. I still cared about how I came off, and I had hang ups, but I was certainly a little more free than I had been in the last couple of years toward the people closest to me. But there’s this funny thing that happens, at least for me, when you aren’t concerned about how you look or what you have or don’t have. When you’re just talking to someone and they catch you off guard that you’re one of their favourite people to talk to. Or when you’re just vibing and being yourself and they say how good of a person you are when you least expect them to say anything regarding it at all. It’s not something you put effort into or predict, it’s just something that sort of happens. When you put a wall up in order to protect yourself or say you aren’t worthy of something for whatever arbitrary reason, you end up making it impossible for people to actually give you love or affection. It turns into unintentionally pushing people away, even if you don’t want that. You think you’re being more responsible or a better person, but you’re not. In trying to respond perfectly, you become imperfect instead and just make a mess of things. And when you are lucky to get attention, it often just feels so hollow because everything feels fake or superficial when you give yourself standards that are unnecessary or impossible to clear for yourself. And the more you think you aren’t worthy of something, the less likely you are to do things that are good for you and create meaningful rewards. Ordinarily I would keep this post behind a private twitter account, but while I have no interest in oversharing my personal life to strangers, I guess take this is my attempt to be a little more like myself than I have been. Over the last two weeks I’ve had a lot to think and digest, and I’m just trying to let myself be me.

[jujuistrulyoutrageous]

and speaking of weird night shift thoughts, I'm seriously considering effectively quitting writing, at least in terms of trying to become a writer. it's not like I've lost the joy of writing, but I look at all that's already out there and wonder if I'm even adding anything. and I'm not saying this to get any kind of "hey, keep going, you! you'll get there!" first, platitudes are annoying, and second, I've mostly come to terms with my lack of accomplishments in the writing sphere. after all, I've been - at best - half-assed about trying to get into the business, and honestly, I feel like it's more fun if I'm not trying to make money off of it.

it's partially why I've stopped posting a lot of my art on social media. I don't want to lose the love I have for painting and drawing, and I also hate playing the role of marketer. I've never been good in that arena anyway.

again, this isn't a cry for help or attention, just an observation. am I sad? sure. a big part of my young adulthood was attempting to start and maintain an artistic career - which is why, in my brain, I was taking such low-paying, unsatisfying jobs - so abandoning it in any capacity, even if for my own sanity, seems like I'm shitting on my own deep-seated desires. I'm not going to stop writing, but I'm taking the pressure off, I guess. maybe someday, somebody will unearth my notebooks or get access to my Google Drive and see something worthy of publishing. I dunno.

but I feel like I may be able to jump back into what I'm currently working on and actually have the same fun that I had back when I was a kid and didn't really know what a career was.