#this has the opportunity to be hilarious if you have a haircut Completely different from what his hair looks like

[catscidr]

man imagine u go get a haircut only to get your shit Fucked. you complain about it to dottore and he js stares at you in silence because my god is this such a..... trivial problem to have. but when he sees how you're actually upset over a haircut he'd leave and grab one of his segments, one that has longer hair, and chop their hair to look like yours. "solidarity"- ............his own nonsensical way of comforting you

[llendrinall]

(1) Draco, Harry, Hermione & Ron (aged 23) all are working on a case. Harry & Ron are Aurors. Draco & Hermione are both Healers & Unspeakables. The case is something like a bunch of Death Eater wannabes trying to resurrect the dark lord. So while busting in on their ritual all 4 are transported to their younger bodies at different times. Draco (5), Ron (7), Hermione (9), Harry (11) (The day before Hagrid comes to fetches him.)

(2) Harry and Draco were married so they use a phrase to each other so the other knows that they're the other and then plan a meet in the Room of Requirements. After confirming that Ron and Hermione (Married) are who they are too they go to the meet too. While each playing the roles they had the first time around. They then work out a plan for the war (Since Draco hasn't found a way back they plan to change things).

(3) Draco needs to play the bully/death eater and work to save the lives of the war victims. While Harry, Ron and Hermione work out the horcrux ect. Befor and during the war they secretly work to make preperations and stuff to minimize the damage while also playing their parts as school rivals. And they manage to minimize the deaths and they manage to save a lot of familiar faces. Sirius, Remus, Tonks, George ect.

(4) So after Harry kills Voldemort (He had an argument with Draco cuz Draco was worried he wouldn't come back this time) they're in the grand hall and everyone just sees the golden trio going to Draco with smiles. Ron gives him a handshake, Hermione a Hug, and shockingly Harry kisses him infront of everyone (Draco's parents are like "WTF?") And says "Told you i wouldn't die." "Shut up you bloody git". (In my head its a long fic with a LOT of stuff added. I just wanna know how you'd write this)

 Mmh, yes this would be a long plotty fic, so I won’t detail the structure, just some of the elements I would use to build it.

First, I would have them go back to exactly one month before they turn 11. There is a very nice symmetry there and we avoid having Draco too long in his child’s body. An adult Draco in a 5-year-old body would be terrifying. Lucius would just flee the country.

So they go back to 11 minus one month. Harry and Draco have 1-2 summer months to get settled and start figuring things out, Ron gets around 7 months to think about family dynamics and draft a plan to contact his friends. Hermione has a whole year plus change to rage, study and come up with a definite plan to Get Things Right.

There is a beautiful tense scene as they board the train, because Harry and Ron don’t know if their friend is their old self or their young self. They are both very cautious around each other until Harry notices the way Ron looks at Scabbers and he knows. It just takes a couple of loaded comments afterwards to recognize each other.  

Hermione barges in their compartment in her usual way and they have to drop some very heavy hints to remind her they are not alone. They can’t spook Pettigrew.  Draco comes by, stares at Harry in silence for a whole minute and then passes him a note saying he can’t find the diary and also he ordered Dobby to go serve Harry, he should be waiting in Hogwarts. It is unclear whether Draco knows this Harry is the old Harry because Draco is, and has always been, kind of odd. It took them a while to discover it, but Draco is just a bunch or random powerful ideas held together with anxiety and fire. Harry loves him so much.

They go to Hogwarts. You would think that in this timeline Harry would be the most belligerent/hostile of them, but it is actually Hermione. Hermione is a nightmare student. She has a list of one hundred and fifty names and she is going to save all of them (except maybe Dumbledore and Snape). She has no time nor attention to waste in silly classes telling her what she already knows. She only comes to class sporadically, aces all her tests and hands out beautiful neat homework that barely took ten minutes out of her day to complete. Teachers hate her (or heavily dislike her), but they can’t expel her. It’s beautiful. The twins develop a crush on her.  

Harry waits patiently until Christmas so Dumbledore can gift him the Invisibility Cloak and then announces that he is not going back to the Dursleys. Dumbledore insists. Harry says softly “by Jove, I will not” and Dumbledore thinks about that exchange for a week. He forgets about it when ten days later there is an incident in Transfiguration class and McGonagall discovers that Ron’s pet rat Scabbers is actually Peter Pettigrew.

(They were going to wait until Quirrell tried to steal the philosopher’s. Hermione insisted they couldn’t deviate too much of the original timeline or they would lose their advantage of knowing what was going to happen. If something was going to change, it was better to attach it to some other important event.

But Harry pointed out that it would be much easier to keep Sirius alive if he had some extra months of freedom and he didn’t have to live as a fugitive and Ron was certain that they would be fine even if they changed everything. It wasn’t just their knowledge of the events to come, it was their knowledge, period, their experience.

Ron is a man now, and adult, and he is kind of freaked out at the shenanigans they did when they were merely children. What were they thinking? Was there no competent adult to point out that were kids? It shouldn’t be up to them to rescue Sirius or Buckbeak, what in the seven hells.)

Anyway, Sirius is freed and Dumbledore is forced to explain everything about prophecies and love magic and blood protection early, because Harry insists he is going to live with Sirius. Harry agrees to go back to the Dursleys for two weeks, but Sirius has to come with him and no, he will not come as a dog, that’s demeaning. He will spend his time at the Dursleys as a human, thank you very much.

Sirius is the first adult to realize that there is something not quite right about Harry. The others had noticed that Harry was… special. But Sirius is the first one to see through, although he doesn’t know what he is seeing exactly.

Lucius still uses the Diary against the Weasleys, but this time Ron picks it up. Their first week back in Hogwarts, they all go for a nice excursion down to the Basilisk lair. They bring the Diadem, too. Harry speaks to the Basilisk and both horcruxes are destroyed.

The rest of the year is spent plotting. Draco takes on the role of the bully and plays it up to hilarious heights. He picks on everyone, and that’s everyone, except Neville and Luna. Funnily, Cedric Diggory is a big fan of him and always answers to Draco’s banter.

Draco suggests having a Duel Club to Lockhart. There has been no student attacks, of course, but Lockhart loves the idea and Draco wants the opportunity to fight Harry and make ridiculously sexually charged comments. They have five very nice duelling sessions until the curse of the DADA post acts up and professor Lockhart is unavailable the rest of the year.

(Harry tutors everyone in his year so this time people will actually now how to cast a protego. Ginny comes to the classes too and is by far his best student).

That summer, Ron has a very long chat with Percy explaining everything. Ron is now eight years older than Percy and understand why his brother fell to the Ministry and rejected his family. The Weasleys had pushed him that way, hadn’t they? Ron also understands that suddenly being nice to Percy and giving him recognition won’t work. It’s too late. But telling Percy they come from another timeline in which Fred died gets Percy’s attention immediately. Percy spends a whole weekend freaking out in silence (nobody notices, of course, and boy is Ron appalled at his family dynamics). Come Monday, Percy emerges relatively calm, all things considered. He has given himself a haircut and is resolved to infiltrate the Ministry.  

The locket is destroyed that summer. They let Sirius and Kreacher do it.

They were hoping to have all horcruxes down before Voldemort rose back, but Pettigrew escapes Azkaban and Voldemort comes back a year ahead of schedule. (Early 4th year).

Dumbledore locates the ring. Despite warnings from all of them (and Snape) he still puts the ring on and gets a curse for it. Hermione says if he is going to be like that, she will take him from her To-Save list.

Barely eight months after Voldemort comes back to power, the Ministry is full of his followers. For now, Voldemort is happy with acting from the shadows, but soon he will want more and the four of them want to avoid open war as much as possible.

Percy sends Ron Helga’s cup, broken. Ron asks how he did it in case they ever find themselves in a similar situation (new timeline and all), but Percy only says that he asked politely. That means there are only two (two? Or is it one?) horcruxes remaining. Draco decides to speed things up, before Voldemort stars his terror campaign. He tells his father than Dumbledore has a mysterious ring with an interesting crest and that’s enough to have Voldemort attack Hogwarts with all his might.

It may not seem like a good idea, but if you think about it it’s much better to have dark wizards try to take over a castle than over a cottage where a half-blood family lives. Plus, now they don’t have to sweep Britain looking for Nagini. They can see her perfectly well down in the grounds trying and failing to eat Hagrid.

The battle draws on and almost becomes a siege. The Ministry comes to help, only they help Voldemort’s side, what with being infiltrated and all.

It’s still preferable to the years of the war.

Sirius has been put under a careful and insistent treatment of “Sirius, no”, so he actually stops when he is told to, he doesn’t follow Pettigrew to a trap and he isn���t killed by Bellatrix. Well done, Sirius! Another advantage of Sirius surviving, beyond the fact that he survived, yay, is that he gets to save Snape when Voldemort decides he might not be a good double spy after all. Snape hates the idea of owing his life to Sirius. It is very entertaining.

Neville kills Bellatrix Lestrange. Luna kills Nagini (and feels bad for it, and cries, sweet Luna, may she always have a soft heart). Peter Pettigrew dies in a freak accident in which both the giant squid and the twins are involved. Cedric Diggory bullies seven Ministry wizards into switching sides.

Things are going good. There are many wounded, more than the last time, but no dead, not on their side.

Harry knows he will have to die, again. And it will have to be Voldemort. He can’t risk having anyone else cast the curse (would they even meant it?). They have changed so many things… They can’t be sure that all those changes won’t coalesce in this one instant in time. They can’t be sure that Harry will make it back.

But Harry still goes, because that’s what he has to do. He tries to make things as similar as possible, act the same way, say the same things. Maybe having Sirius and Moody and Tonks and Lupin alive and well and fighting won’t matter if Harry just follows the script on this.

But just in case it will matter, just in case Harry doesn’t come back this time, he throws some ad lib.

“Hey, Tom,” Harry says, holding his thumb between his index and middle finger. “I’ve got your nose.”

Well, at least he can be sure that Voldemort means it when he cast the curse.

 The honour of killing Voldemort falls on Hagrid this time. It isn’t pretty.

And Harry comes back. Draco forgives him just for having said that line.

[finchbaggins]

Carrot Cake

Rating: Mature

Pairing: Tom Hiddleston AU / OFC

Authors note: For @redfoxwritesstuff 500 followers writing prompt challenge #Kitkats500 

Prompt: “Did you do something different with you hair?”

“Fuck.”

The curse left my lips in a frustrated hiss, and I threw the poppy red beret I’d been trying to style my hair under for the best part of half an hour to the floor. I stared at my reflection in the mirror above the dressing table.

My stupid reflection.

My hideous, god awful, embarrassing, reflection.

You’d think, when you were paying someone a decent amount of money, a professional no less, at a top salon, to restyle your hair, that they might have some idea what they were doing. I’d expected to come out of that salon feeling like a new woman, heaven knows I needed it after the month I’d had.

Work had been hell, what with two people handing in their notice and one of the team had just gone on maternity leave, which meant the number of FTE’s (Full time employees – junior management jargon) was down to just four on my team, and reallocating everyone’s workload’s had kept me tied to the office, sometimes late into the night.

This unusually busy period, and my unforeseen extended hours, had been seemingly the only excuse that Dan – the guy I’d been sort of seeing for almost a year to get bored and find someone else to do his laundry, cook his dinners, and suck his cock.

I wasn’t as upset as I ought to have been, if anything I was relieved. I’d known the guy was a leach and I was better off without him. But somehow being thirty-two and dating him seemed more appealing than being thirty-two and single, going home to an empty flat and microwave meals for one every night.

It had however, been the kick up the backside I needed to get my shit together. Work had finally sorted its self out. I booked a Friday off so I could enjoy a nice long weekend. I enjoyed finding any tiny possession that Dan had left in my little one bed flat, and putting it in a black sack, before hauling it all down to the communal dumpster. Then I’d cashed in on a voucher I’d found on Groupon – Colour and Restyle at Top London Salon – fifty pounds.

That probably should have been my red flag.

But money was tight, and I was determined to push forward with the whole, out with the old and in with the new.

I’d attended the appointment with several images saved on my phone with what I wanted. I wanted my dull light brown hair transformed to a vibrant copper, with choppy layers and a heavy fringe. What the stylist – or apparently blind, trainee stylist – managed to achieve was shade of orange which could be described as radioactive, and an uneven, long bob which made me look like I wanted to ‘talk to the manager’.

The worst part was, because I’d already had a voucher which meant the treatment had been greatly reduced, the salon could not issue me a refund. Although they did invite me back to try and ‘correct’ the colour. But I’d have to wait at least a fortnight, as putting more colour on it straight away could cause serious damage to my hair. Apparently.

So I was stuck with this horrific orange blob on my head for at least a fortnight. Probably longer, as there was no way I was setting foot back in that salon and letting any of their stylists lay a single finger on my hair again. So that meant waiting until my next pay day so I could go to a better salon. But pay day was three weeks away.

In the meantime I had to go to work, in an office full of people. Looking like Chucky.

Worse still. I had to face Tom. Tom, my annoying, shithead of a colleague. Tom who was in equal measure the bane of my existence and the closest thing to a real friend I actually had. Tom who was also devastatingly gorgeous and he knew it too.

I’d just about managed to twist and clip the fringe out of my face, and I’d attempted to do some type of vintage up-do that I could tuck under my beret and hope it just looked like a new style I was trying out. My fashion sense was normally a little off beat and loud so it was unlikely anyone would comment.

But no matter what I tried, I just couldn’t pull off the beret.

Eventually, another brainwave, I pulled out a pretty silk scarf. It would at least offer some cover from the embarrassment of my morning commute on the tube. I couldn’t see my boss standing for it though.

∞

“Kara,” my eyes shot to my boss, who tapped his wrist and frowned at me from the doorway to his office, “Was there something more pressing for you to do this morning, than show up to work on time?”

“No, Nick, sorry, I missed my alarm,” I apologised hastily, as I passed, “I’ll take ten minutes off my lunch.”

“Whatever, Kara,” he chuckled, and shook his head. He wasn’t really mad, I’d worked for him for too many years for him to really care about the odd ten minutes here or there, “Get that stupid thing off your head, we’ve got clients in today.”

When I finally made it into my own office everyone was already there. The small team were quiet and hard at work, Tom was leaned up against the end of one of the newer team members desk, chatting away quietly, but didn’t miss the opportunity to roll his eyes at me as I hung my coat on the back of the door, and hurried over to my desk.

The next fifteen or so minutes were spent logging into my computer and putting an eye over my emails. Long enough for Tom to fetch our morning coffees and put one on the end of my desk and take his seat across from me.

Everyone worked in comfortable silence and I waited for Tom to settle into his work before I shifted and started removing the pins I’d used to hold my scarf in place, hoping to just slip it off and carry on and maybe no one would say anything. But the second I pulled it off my head I could feel the burning of Tom’s gaze on me.

I tried not to look at him, and fixed my stare on the screen in front of me, trying to focus on the monthly audit spreadsheet. But of course my eyes darted to the side and I caught him, sitting across from me, his eyes sparkling with delighted amusement. I looked away and tried hard to ignore him.

“Good weekend?” his voice drifted over the space between us, and I couldn’t bear to look at him.

“It was fine,” I muttered, “Yours.”

“It was good, got drunk with Pete on Saturday. That new bar on Green Street, with the cocktails that turn your tongue black.”

“Nice.”

“So…” he trailed off, and I could hear in his voice that he was holding back laughter now.

“So?” I shot back abruptly.

“Did you do something different with your hair?”

I looked him dead on now. He was lounged back in his chair, arms folded across his chest. God, I wanted to smack the stupid fucking grin off his beautiful face.

“Obviously,” I hissed, looking away quickly, not wanting him to have the satisfaction of seeing how distressed I was. Made worse by how amused my misfortune was making him.

I tried to press on with my work.

“It’s very –”

“Don’t,” I snapped, quickly, cutting him off before he had a chance to finish.

He finished anyway.

“Orange.”

I said nothing, and kept my eyes firmly fixed on my screen. Tom obviously realised he wasn’t going to get a rise out of me now, because it seemed his attention was also back on the job. So, when it seemed like I could finally settle into my working day and hope that was the last comment I’d get regarding the disaster on my head, I shot off a few emails and then looked at the internal audit from my superior.

Everyone worked in silence, which wasn’t always the case. Generally we were a lively office, but the mood was dampened by the clients due in. The office manager was strict on professionalism, and whenever we had visitors he insisted chitchat was kept to a minimum.

“Christ, Kara. What happened to you? I think you were better off with the head scarf on!”

I’d not heard my boss enter our office, and my eyes shot up in time to see Tom bark with laughter, and a collection of snickers rose from around the office.

“Sorry, Nick,” I mumbled.

“Not me you want to be apologising to. Poor Tom here needs sunglasses sitting opposite you,” Tom chuckled and greeted his bosses high five.

I huffed loudly, “Hilarious. Glad you’re all getting a good laugh at my expense.”

“Talking of expense,” Tom started, his eyes were bright and twinkled with humour, “How much did you sell your soul for, for that haircut?”

“Ha, fucking, ha, Tom, gingers don’t have souls, I get it. You’re a fine one to talk with the ginger Jokes, at least mine will grow out,” I groused, annoyed that now Nick had basically given permission for open season on the hair jokes, Tom was going all in.

“Mines auburn, the ladies love it.”

“Sure.”

“Besides there’s ginger, and then there is that,” he waved a pointed finger in my direction, “It looks like you’ve fallen in a vat of chemicals.”

“Fuck off.”

“Language, Kara,” Nick said, suddenly more serious, “That’s quite enough. You can’t expect to turn up looking like that and not get a few jokes made at your expense.”

“Obviously it’s not meant to look like –”

I tried to argue, but my boss held up a hand to stop me.

“I just came in to let you know I’ll be showing our visitors around within the hour. If you could all just be on your best behavior. Tom, perhaps you can bring up some of the recent stats for them to have a look at, I’d like you to talk them through.”

“Nick, I completed last months internal, perhaps it would be better if I did that.”

“Given your vile mood this morning, Kara, you are the last person I want left alone with one of our highest paying clients.”

My lips parted in surprise. No, shock and humiliation.

I wouldn’t even be in such a foul mood if it wasn’t for his and Tom’s jibes at me. I wanted to walk out, but if I did that I’d only make it worse for myself. So I pressed my lips together and gave a short nod.

In his favour, Tom did give me a sympathetic look, as he picked up his laptop and followed the boss out of the office.

∞

If I’d even hoped that might be the end of my ridicule, I was sorely mistaken.

When I arrived back to my desk after lunch, a bowl had appeared, full of fresh oranges, and a two litre bottle of Tango orange was there too. Tom had returned from his meeting with the visitors, and only glanced from his screen briefly, long enough for me to see the smirk on his lips, as I picked up both the bowl and the bottle and marched them to the shared staff canteen.

When I returned, he looked pretty pleased with himself.

“Chill out, Weasley.”

“Oh fuck off.”

Then not long later a tap on the office door. It was Barbara from the bakery down the street, carrying a small white box. The types they delivered their cakes in, because we always ordered from there on birthdays.

“Hi, Kara,” she chirped, placing the box on the end of my desk, “Special occasion?”

I looked at the box, with a post-it on top reading my name and office number. I frowned, then looked back at her.

“Not that I’m aware of.”

“Oh, well… must have an admirer. Enjoy,” with that she skipped off.

I could feel all eyes on me as I pulled the box towards me. When I glanced across my desk, Tom looked about ready to implode.

“What? What did you do?”

“Me?” he exclaimed, holding a hand to his chest, having the gall to look insulted at the accusation.

So I flipped the lid of the box open, and there, inside was a small, but perfectly delicious looking carrot cake. Complete with cream cheese frosting and little decorative iced carrots.

“I…” The tears rolled down my cheeks and splashed onto the cake before I even realised I’d started crying, “I think…I think I’m not feeling too well. I’m going to go home.”

I closed the box quickly and dropped it into the bin under my desk. Then picked up my handbag. It was only when I strode across the room, and reached for my coat that Tom spoke up.

“Oh come on, Kara. Don’t be like that.”

“Tom, I think you should leave it, mate,” I heard Paul, the usually quieter member of the team, pipe up. But his warning went ignored.

“Kara, it’s just a bloody joke.”

“Yeah, well it’s not funny, Tom!” I shouted, spinning back to face him, “Do you think I wanted my hair like this? Do you think, if I could have done something to make it look less hideous, I wouldn’t have done it before having to come in and face you.”

“It was just a laugh.”

“For you, maybe. Not for me,” I sniffed, “You’re meant to be my friend. I know we wind each other up, but I can’t believe you’d go so far out of your way to get a laugh at my expense. It’s bad enough having to leave the house looking like this.”

“Kara, I didn’t…”

“Don’t even bother, Tom. I’m going. Tell Nick I’m ill.”

With that, I turned back and hurried from the office, leaving Tom, and the rest of the team in stunned silence. Not once, in all the years I’d worked there had I walked out like that, or out rightly shouted at Tom. We bickered, sure. All the time actually. We wound each other up, but we were never cruel.

∞

I waited until I arrived home to completely lose it.

A text came through from Nick, saying Tom felt bad about how he’d behaved, and they both meant no harm, and hoped I was okay.

I cried. Tears streamed down my cheeks and my body wrecked with harsh sobs.

This was ridiculous. It was just hair, why did I care so much? Some people had it worse. My own mother had lost all hers when she’d undergone Chemotherapy, and she’d not cried about it once. Alright, she wasn’t okay with it, she hated it. But she got on with it.

So why was I so upset about my hair? It would grow out, eventually. And in a few weeks I’d be able to colour it and maybe get the cut sorted. It was fixable.

More so, why was I so bothered by what Tom said?

Oh yeah, right. Because the office banter and bickering had been my own, so far, successful way of staying in control of the stupid crush I’d been harbouring from the day we were assigned to work with one another.

It’s not like I’d ever stand a chance with him anyway, he’d never paid me the slightest bit of interest. I’d have known if he had, because Tom was a notorious ladies man and when he liked a woman he let her know very quickly. He always said it was because he had impeccable taste, so he didn’t like to hang around. If he didn’t get in there, another man would.

I called him a slut.

But only because I was jealous.

Jealous of every girl who was better than me.

And now I was heartbroken because I’d now made myself look repulsive, and stupid and I’d managed to bump myself further down Tom’s list. Not that I was even on it to start with.

The truth was, of the women Tom had dated, there had been a fair few red heads. These stunning women, with long, scarlet tresses. Usually tall, with fair skin, blue eyes, and so very striking to look at. Women who were so extra, that next to them, I looked positively dull.

I bathed, and washed my hair. The stylist said after a few washes the colour would ‘settle down’. It wasn’t working, but I tried anyway. After blow drying it, it looked brighter than ever, and I shed a few more tears in front of the mirror. I couldn’t stay away from work until it was fixed.

It had just gone seven o’clock in the evening when my door buzzer went. I wasn’t expecting visitors, and my phone had been quiet since I’d ignored my bosses text. So I was a little nervous when I picked up the entry phone and asked who was there.

“Hey, Kar…It’s Tom,” I could heard the uncertainty in his voice. I’d already given him one dressing down today, was he expecting another one? “Can I come in?”

“I don’t know.”

“I’m not here to take the piss.”

“I hope not.”

“Well, can come in then?”

I glanced back into my little flat. It wasn’t too untidy. I looked down at myself. Old leggings, a band t-shirt which I’d cut the sleeves off of, and my fluffy bed socks. I suffered from cold feet. What the hell? He’d seen me in worse states.

“Sure,” I pressed the button and heard him push the door open.

Tom had only visited my flat once before, for a little gathering which I’d had for my thirtieth birthday. Whilst we were friends, it was usually reserved for work, and occasionally nights out. My place was small, and I wasn’t overly fond of having guests.

It only occurred to me when I heard the tap at my front door, that Tom lived the other side of the city. Coming to Croydon was well out of his way, considering his own place was in North West London. No closer to work, than me, really. Just in the complete opposite direction. The fact that he’d made the effort to come all the way to see me, gave me pause for thought.

When I opened the door, Tom was standing on the other side, clutching a bottle of white wine, and wearing a very sheepish smile.

“Sorry,” he said, the instant I beckoned him through the threshold of my doorway, and he thrust the bottle of wine into my hands. It was cold, and had clearly been picked up on his way over from a Newsagents with a chiller. The sudden cold in my hands took me by surprise and I bit back a gasp. Tom frowned at me, waiting for my response.

“Erm…okay,” I nodded slowly, closing the door behind him, “You didn’t have to come all the way here to say sorry. I probably over-reacted.”

Probably. I had definitely over-reacted. Most people would see the funny side. Hell…I’d have normally seen the funny side. Except, when it was at your expense, and the subject of the joke was actually something that was quite upsetting to you, it wasn’t very funny. But how could I expect Tom to understand why I was so upset over my hair. It was just hair.

Hair which he was now looking at with a renewed interest.

Of course. At work, it had been clipped up. But now, post blow dry. He could see the dodgy style in all its horrifying glory. Wonky fringe, and uneven layers, the lot.

“Wow… Kar… that hairdresser’s really did a number on you, didn’t they?”

“Tom, you’ve come here to apologise, but if you’re going to start on me again, I’d rather you just left,” I thrust the wine bottle back in his direction, and pointed at the door, “You can take your cheap bottle of plonk, and bugger off.”

“No, no, I’m not taking the piss, Kara. I promise,” Tom held up his hands, palms out, as if to show he wasn’t there to hurt me. “And I’ll have you know that wine just cost me ten quid.”

He looked sincere. His eyes were wide and full of concern. That’s what  set me off again. As if I hadn’t wasted enough tears over a stupid haircut already.  

“Oh, no…oh Kara, love. Please don’t cry,” he lunged forward, and wrapped his arms around me, pulling me into his chest. Completely forgetting the bottle of wine, which was now trapped between our bodies still in my grasp.

“It’s…so…stupid,” I sniffed and wiped my face on his jacket, “It’s just hair.”

“It’s not stupid.”

“It is though,” I hiccoughed, and pulled away from him, “Sorry, I’m crying all over you.”

“Listen, I’ve got a friend, he works for Toni and Guy, he’s a top level stylist. I’ve had a chat, and he says he can see you tomorrow. He’s based not far from work, and Nick has said you can take the morning off.”

“Why would he do that?”

“Because I told him I’d been a complete knob, and I wasn’t sure if you’d ever come back, if I didn’t try and help you put this right.”

“It doesn’t matter. I can’t afford it anyway, and the salon said I probably shouldn’t put anything on it for a few weeks, or it’ll all fall out or something,” I shrugged hopelessly.

“Well, that might an improvement,” I knew he was trying to lighten the mood, but his jibe cost him a harsh glare from me, “Sorry, I’m sorry,” he said quickly, “Anyway, I spoke to my friend, he said he can help, and he definitely knows more than those idiots that fucked it up in the first place. And as for the cost, it’s my treat. Don’t worry about it.”

“I can’t let you do that. It’ll cost a fortune.”

“Kara. I wasted money on a homemade cake, for a joke today. I can afford a haircut. Besides, I want to do this for you. I hate seeing you so upset. Especially when I’m the one whose fault it is.”

“You didn’t do this,” I gestured to my hair, “How is it your fault?”

“Well, I’m supposed to be your friend. Friends don’t kick each other when they’re down,” Tom shrugged, “Anyway, you’re seeing my friend tomorrow and he’ll fix it for you.”

“Well…that’s very nice. Thank you. Do you…want a glass of this?” I held up the bottle of wine.

“Why do you think I brought it?”

I went into the kitchen, Tom was hot on my heels, and hung behind me whilst I fetched two glasses from the cupboard and poured us each a glass of wine.

“Here,” I turned and put a glass in his hand. We went through to the living room, and sat together on my little sofa. We both sipped our wine quietly, and I wondered how long he would stay. It would take him well over an hour to get across London this time of the night. I couldn’t help but feel bad that he’d felt the need to make the effort, all because I couldn’t take a joke.

“I don’t mean this to come across the wrong way, but I’m not sure why you felt the need to change your hair anyway. It was fine as it was,” Tom said, somewhat out of the blue. I’d thought the topic of my hair catastrophe was done with.

“It wasn’t fine, it was boring, and dull.”

“It was lovely, and natural.”

“Since when do you have an opinion on my hair.”

“Since you felt the need to ruin something beautiful,” he shot back without a beat.

“Beautiful,” I scoffed, “Since when have you considered anything natural about a woman, as beautiful?”

“I beg your pardon?” Okay, maybe they was harsh, and I shouldn’t have been surprised by his insulted expression.

“I didn’t mean…I just…” I stammered trying to explain myself, “I’ve seen the women you date, Tom. We’ve worked together long enough. You can’t sit there trying to tell me I shouldn’t be changing my hair because it’s beautiful in its natural state, when I know for a fact that in your eyes, me and beautiful are two things which don’t go together.”

“Oh you know that for a fact do you?” Tom spat, looking surprisingly, more annoyed than I’d ever seen him. And I’d seen him lose a contract he’d worked on for over three months, “You think because I date a lot of women who bleach their hair and cake on make-up, that I don’t appreciate natural beauty. That I don’t think of you as beautiful?”

“You’ve never given me reason to think you do. But that’s fine, Tom, you’re allowed to have a type. I’m not saying that’s a bad thing. It’s just…don’t judge my decision to try and change my appearance, in an attempt to appear more aesthetically pleasing, when you’re in no position to do so,” I exclaimed, truly exasperated. I didn’t expect him to sit there and lie to make me feel better. Or to try and justify his proclivities.

“I like all women, Kar… all shapes and sizes, it doesn’t bother me. I’m not picky.”

“You are a bit,” I muttered under my breath.

“Well, alright, yeah, I can be a bit picky, but it never has anything to do with looks.”

“Why are we even talking about this?” I wondered, finally. I didn’t want to talk about Tom’s dating catalog, it was literally the last thing I needed right now.

“Because, you seem to be under the impression that I don’t think you’re beautiful. Which I do, actually,” Tom stated, very matter of fact.

“Tom, please don’t do this. I know you think it’s making me feel better, but it’s not. I appreciate you coming here, and also sorting me out an appointment with your friend. But you don’t need to shower me with fake compliments. I don’t…what you think about me doesn’t matter. It’s fine,” the words were rushed, and Tom’s brow furrowed in frustration.

“You’re not listening to me, Kara. I’m not trying to make you feel better, and my compliments are not fake. I’m trying to tell you that I like you, that I have for a while. Which is why I feel so awful for upsetting you today. And I always think you’re beautiful,” he paused, taking a short breath, before adding, “Even with your god awful Toyah hair do.”

“What?” I asked, bluntly. Ignoring his comment about the hair.

“You heard me, Kara.”

“You like me? Like me, like me?” he nodded, “Since when?”

“Well… a while. I don’t know?”

“But… why didn’t you say anything?”

“Because I was trying to be professional, we have to work together. Also, I didn’t want to make a move unless I knew you liked me too, because it would make things awkward,” Tom explained, as if it was the most obvious reasoning in the world, “And up until very recently you were still dating dickhead Dan.”

“But all you do is wind me up, and argue with me.”

“You argue with me too! Plus…I like it when we bicker. I like your fire, Kara. I purposely try to get a rise out of you, because…well… it’s sexy as hell.”

“Oh come on!” I scoffed, incredulous.

“You don’t believe me do you?” He set his wine down on the coffee table.

“I just… you date so many women, really stunning ones.”

“I date a lot of women, because I’m single and I like female company. Am I seeing any of them more than once or twice? Am I looking for anything more than dinner, and maybe sometimes sex? I’ve not had a proper relationship in almost two years Kar…because I’ve been too hung up on you.”

“Oh.”

“I hated that I made you cry today. I never, ever want to hurt you. Although I didn’t plan on telling you quite like this –”

He didn’t get time to finish, because I cut him off, with my lips against his.

Tom froze momentarily, and I wondered for a second, if kissing him had been a mistake. Just because he apparently liked me, it didn’t mean he wanted to make a move. I went to pull back, parting our lips, but as I did so, I felt Tom’s hand grasp the back of my head, pulling back, and he  mumbled his disapproval of my intention to pull away.

He kissed me back this time, his lips insistently working against mine. I flung my arm out, the one still grasping my own wine glass, feeling for the table until I could set it down. Then once it was safely out my hands, I moved back into the kiss properly, maneuvering myself, until I could clamber up and push Tom against the back of the sofa, and straddle his lap.

“Fuck, Kara, you have no idea how long I’ve wanted you like this.”

“About as long as I’ve wanted you,” I responded, moving back to press little kisses along his jaw and neck.

“But…but you were with Dan?”

“Only because I couldn’t bear the thought of being single. It took him cheating on me, to make me realise that I’d rather be on my own, than with him. My self esteem isn’t great, but I know I’m better than that.”

“He cheated on you?” I hadn’t meant to let that lip, I’d not told anyone that part.

“Yeah.”

“What a fucking idiot,” Tom mumbled, tugging me back towards him and kissing me again. When his hand travelling from my hip to my right breast and squeezed trough the worn fabric of my t-shirt, I gasped. The second my lips parted, his tongue plunged into my mouth. He worked a nipple between his fingers, and I groaned loudly into his mouth, grinding myself down into his lap.

“Tom,” I whimpered his name, breaking the kiss, “I wanted you too. For a really long time. I thought… I never thought you could like someone like me.”

“What on earth, Kara?” his hand left my breast and settled back on my hip, he pulled back and his eyes searched mine, “Someone like you? You’re wonderful. You’re beautiful, smart, and incredibly sexy. I’m so incredibly lucky to even know you, to have you as a friend, let alone, on my lap, rubbing yourself on my cock like it’s your fucking job or something.”

I giggled, and ground down again, giving him a playful smile, “Like that?”

“Fucking minx, I always knew you’d be like this. Please tell me I don’t have to go home.”

“You don’t have to go home,” I answered, placing a soft kiss on the corner of his mouth, pleased that he was thinking the same as me. I couldn’t think of letting him leave now.

“Thank god,” he breathed, “Now… lets find you a suitable hat, to cover that monstrosity on your head, then I’m going to take you to bed and fuck you so good, that tomorrow you’ll go into work with a bad limp and a huge smile, and no one will have any doubt exactly what you’ve been up to.”

I didn’t even have time to formulate a suitable sassy response, before I found myself lifted off the sofa and marched across the flat, and thrown, unceremoniously onto my bed.  

[bthenoise]

Q&A: Ronnie Radke Talks ‘The Drug In Me Is You’ Going Gold, Touring With Escape The Fate & The Future Of Falling In Reverse

In the ten-plus years since the start of hard rock outfit Falling In Reverse, larger-than-life frontman Ronnie Radke has seen various levels of success -- one of them being the recent news of his band’s debut album The Drug In Me Is You selling over 500,000 copies and becoming gold certified by the RIAA. 

In celebration of this news, Radke and Co. have decided to embark on a full US headliner playing their beloved 2011 record from front to back. To make matters even more special, Falling In Reverse has invited The Word Alive as well as Radke’s former band, Escape The Fate, to play alongside them on the Noise Presents The Drug In Me Is Gold Tour. 

With just a few days to go until the highly anticipated trek kicks off, as you can probably imagine, the charismatic vocalist has a lot of feelings heading into the upcoming tour.

“It's super ironic that I'm bringing Escape The Fate on tour because [The Drug In Me Is You] was me singing about how angry I am at them and they're coming on this tour to celebrate the record that I was talking shit about them,” Radke explains. “So we're all just gonna laugh about it, you know?”

Radke later went on to say there’s no ill will between the two scene staples stating, “I never really hold grudges for too long even though that was like a huge deal in my life that they kind of turned their backs on me and kind of bad-mouthed me while I was in jail and stuff. But like, I'm not a guy that holds grudges for too long. I mean, that was the longest grudge I ever held, you know? But over the years, it kind of just disappeared. I've known most of the guys since high school. So it's almost like an unconditional love kind of thing.”

For more from Radke, including the Drug In Me Is You song that was the most challenging to relearn, as well as what the future holds for Falling In Reverse, be sure to read our in-depth Q&A below. Afterward, if you haven’t already, make sure to grab tickets to see Falling In Reverse, Escape The Fate and The Word Alive out on tour here.

The Drug In Me Is You going gold is obviously an incredibly huge accomplishment. What does it mean to you personally?

RONNIE RADKE: I mean, in this day and age, it's such a big deal to me. I mean, I have another [record] that's going gold -- it's pretty close so that'd be a total of a million sales. So for a band that's like a Warped Tour scene band, like generalized as that, it's a pretty big deal because I look at all my peers and I try to see if anybody else has actually had a full record go gold and it's pretty rare. So it's a huge accomplishment for me, for sure. Especially, because it's an entire record and not just a single like most of these bands. Like the successful bands will [usually] get a gold single or two but not the entire record. That's crazy to me.

Looking back on the record nine years after its release, what stands out the most to you about it now? 

How stupid some of the lyrics are [laughs]. Straight up. I mean, not stupid. I guess I was young, you know. So I guess it was growing as an artist and becoming more self-aware and stuff like that -- singing old lyrics about like, you know, how angry I am at somebody. It's just funny, actually. We laugh at rehearsal. We're like, “Can you believe I said this!?” And we just laugh.  

You're getting ready to play The Drug In Me Is You in full out on tour. Are there any songs you’re most excited to bring back and play live?

Yeah. It's super ironic that I'm bringing Escape The Fate on tour because that record was me singing about how angry I am at them and they're coming on this tour to celebrate the record that I was talking shit about them. So we're all just gonna laugh about it, you know? But um, it'll probably be like “Tragic Magic” because that's a song that's like, completely directed at Craig Mabbitt. I might even have him come sing on it or something just to be funny.

That has to be pretty special to get to celebrate this accomplishment with Escape The Fate. Is it nice looking back and thinking how much you've progressed as a person to be able to put all that stuff in the past?

Yeah, I never really hold grudges for too long even though that was like a huge deal in my life that they kind of turned their backs on me and kind of bad-mouthed me while I was in jail and stuff. But like, I'm not a guy that holds grudges for too long. I mean, that was the longest grudge I ever held, you know? But over the years, it kind of just disappeared. I've known most of the guys since high school. So it's almost like an unconditional love kind of thing.

Yeah, and looking at all the recent events with Kobe Byrant thinking about his feud with Shaquille O’Neal and now Shaq is totally willing to let all that go... like, it’s 2020. Time to let those beefs go.

100%. Yeah, we've been cool for a long time. Like, it's been years. Some people on Twitter still think we don't like each other. It just blows my mind because there's like pictures of us hanging out. We tweet at each other, we follow each other. It just blows my mind sometimes.

So back to The Drug In Me Is You. Was there a song that was challenging to relearn at all? 

So funny you're saying this because yes. Yes, I was stressed actually. Super stressed because of a song called “Don't Mess With Ouija Boards,” which is literally the dumbest song. I just think it's so funny because it's like the lyrics are so dumb to me. They're cool for a scene band but they're just, you know, I don't know. It's like that cringy kinda look back when you had that emo haircut. Did you ever have an emo haircut? 

Sadly, no. I was close with long hair though.

So you never look back and like cringe at old photos of you with long hair or anything like that?

I think I used to rep a bandana at one point so now I’m like, “Hmm probably not the best look.” So yeah, definitely cringeworthy.

[Laughs] Yeah. So pretty much those ["Don't Mess With Ouija Boards"] lyrics are really funny. We've never played that song live at all. Like, not one time in the entire history of the band. So people are looking forward to me playing that song the most. And that song's like four different tempos. Like it shifts between four different tempos so we have to put these cues in the tracks where we have to slow down drastically and then speed up drastically. So that was a bit challenging. I didn't realize how challenging it would be but we got it now. 

As for Escape The Fate’s set on this upcoming tour, we imagine they might play songs off Dying Is Your Latest Fashion. If so, would you want to join them on stage at all?

If they play Dying Is Your Latest Fashion?

Yeah, if they play songs off that record. 

No way, that’d be dumb if they did that. I really hope they’re not going to do that.

So you haven’t had any conversations with them regarding those songs?

The reason I say that is because if they played Dying Is Your Lastest Fashion, there's pretty much no original members in Escape the Fate. So they'd literally just be covering me before I go on stage. I was going to do it though and then I would bring a couple of their members out on stage with me -- which would make more sense. It would actually be hilarious if they performed my songs before I went on stage. So who knows [laughs].

[Laughs] Maybe they can warm the crowd up first to get people ready then you do it second and everyone would be happy.

That would be sooo funny. That'd be so awkward but that'd be funny.

Definitely. So lastly, as you look ahead seeing the success of singles like “Popular Monster” and “Drugs,” what excites you most about the future of Falling In Reverse?

Just the day-to-day kind of thing [where] you just never know what's going to happen next I guess. Like that's what I love about being able to be in that position now. Because a lot of bands, you kind of got to have growing pains in order for people to look at you that way. Like, the “you never know what you're going to get” kind of thing instead of like, “We know what's going to happen with this band. When they put out their next record, it's gonna sound like this.” I would much rather it be like, "What is he going to put out next? It could be anything.” Instead of like, you know, the same old same old kind of thing that you're expecting. So you just never know. I mean, it could be like a fucking jazz song, I guess, or a country song. Who knows.

Do you see yourself continuing to go the single route for the next few, maybe months or so?

Yep! For a long time, yeah. It's so funny because a couple other big bands like big, big bands -- I won't name their names -- but like I heard them saying “We're gonna go the single route.” I was like, “That's so funny because I'm doing that and no one ever talks about me doing anything.” They're just like, “I'm the one that's doing it.” You know? I guess I just don't really talk about doing it I just kind of do it and not really say anything about it.

Well, guess this is your opportunity then. You’re going to do some singles for a while and see how that goes?

Yeah, I started the singles with “Losing My Mind.” I don't know even how long... has it been two years? A year and a half? Something like that. And then I just kind of connected all the songs and videos together and then the next one and then the next one and then the next one. I feel like I've just honed in more because we're an ADD nation. All we do is look at our phones all day and we get everything instantaneously [and we get] instant gratification by clicking on things. Songs are getting shorter because people's attention spans are getting shorter. So why would you release a full album when you can just hone in on one song and drop that every three months with a music video? That way the viewer is satisfied and their ears are satisfied at the same time -- like sensory overload -- and everything is focused on one thing. And then three months later, it happens again. So [that’s the plan] instead of giving somebody an album where they like three or four songs and they don't listen to the rest of the album. It's just what's happening nowadays, you know?

[semi-imaginary-place]

fe3h blogging 1

spoilers

Sorry blue lions. It was between eagles and deer for me. 

ch3: Well OK. The church is now using me as their personal political assassin are they?  

Fe3h fav characters so far: Tomas: knowledge grandpa! And one of the few I trust  Gatekeeper: my pure boy. On the topic of trust. You know who I don't trust? Claude. He always angling for something. Always digging for secrets never revealing his own

I didn't think I'd like Raphael so much but I do. He's so good natured. He always wants to help and even when the other kids are mean to him. His only response is more kindness. Like oh youre kinda grumpy right now how about a snack. Like a human shaped golden retriever. Full of love and very food motivated. As much as he's a complete musclehead, his emotional/social intelligence is pretty high. He just wants to make friends. Let Raphhael have friends!  

Guess who chose golden deerI was considering black eagle. But everyone did black eagle. I can go on youtube later. I haven't gotten it but on youtube is lorenz and sylvain's c and b supports and they are hilarious

I found japanese audio of fe3h and it just really hit me that Sylvain belongs in an otome game. I mean his character design (hair color, hair style etc.) and the way he acts is already... eh. But then his japanese voice actor... and its giving me this mental dissonance. Especially aince I've seen the character artist doing utapri, samflam, and other stuff.

weeho spoiled myself on supports: Everyday I grow less and less convinced of Sylvain's heterosexuality. Does he even like women?? He's just emotionally manipulating them as a self destructive coping mechanism because he has self worth issues.  So he presents himself as the superficial stuff like social status and then gets insecure and accuses them of only dating him for status. He's setting himself up for failure. And each tine reinforces his belief that he is nothing but his crest and family. Look at this disaster boy 

knowledge grandpa no! I trusted you and I trust so few people. I wonder if it was real Tomas who first joined but an impostor who rejoined a year ago

List of potential immortals: Jeralt, Rhea, Flayn. There are multiple mentions of Jeralt not seeming to age, he looked the same over 30 years ago. Rhea looks suspiciously like Saint Seiros and was archbishop 20 years ago. Flayn act both young and old and won’t give me her age. That said now that its revealed in the paraloge that Seteth is her dad, maybe not secretly an immortal so much as magical bloodline. Also Seiros, Rhea, Sothis, and Flayn are all related somehow. The green hair doesn’t help. And Byleth is somehow involved. I thought byleth might be part of the immortal gang but mom’s grave stone said she died at age 20 so byleth was born at the church like 20-21 years ago

support thoughts: Are all of huberts c supports just him insulting people?? each and every day I fall more in love with Dorothea. her support with Ferdinand where she straight up says she hates him, the voice acting on that! Lorenz and Ferdinand was hilarious. This is why you get bullied. Lorenz and Sylvain was also funny. Not a big fan of Bernadetta. 

Ok so update on the green haired tinfoil hatting: Flayn related to the saint cetholynn????? somehow and definitely real old.

end of part 1

Thinking back the crests and church(seiros/saints) are what turn people into demonic beasts. there are beasts with crest stones in their heads, in Remire villiage they tried to turn people using Flayn’s blood, and later succeeded. Flame emperor is using the church’s abilities against it. Also Rhea’s been seeking to replicate... something Seiros maybe?? (or more someone.. someone who was precious to her) by ripping the hearts out of babies and putting in a special one??? Rhea seem desperate, but I’m not sure what (or whom) she is desperate for. turning Byleth into Seiros??? There is a ... tension is her, like she is on the edge of snapping. And what was she trying to achieve there in the tomb before she was interrupted. For being “holy” relics, they sure are ominous looking. and they turn people into monsters. The whole church is sketch honestly. The propaganda and censorship campaigns. The crushing of any that are a threat under the language of sin and justice.

So Edelgard went full supervillian. Wow. And Rhea was the immaculate one huh (still don’t know what that means), here I was theory crafting that she was a reincarnated Seiros or something. Edelgard is like a worse Alm, she wants to rid humanity of dragons ruling over them and install a meritocracy. Her methods though are !!!!! yikes. I mean any reign that starts with “kill all that resist” can’t lead to anything good. Also out of 10 siblings only 1 didn’t die of illness or go mad. hmmmn where have I heard that before.

That said I do agree with her goal. I love it when I can take down a religious institution in a videogame.

At Garreg Mach her whole plan in to brute force it. Like if we just keep throwing enough lives at it we are bound to win. Admittedly I know nothing of military strategy, but that doesn’t sound like the best plan.

Interesting the differences between routes. In Edelgard’s church allied with feargus, while in Claude’s the Church lost significant power and Edelgard successfully incited a coup, but why did the Empire give up Garreg Mach as a strategic position? 

My baby deer are all grown up. And yup another mark in the Flayn is some immortal being, her sprite didn’t change at all. Totally in favor of stealing everyone from the other houses.

Who wore it better Part 1 or 2

Edelgard: 2. I mean p1 Edelgard was already best dressed but p2 takes it to a new level

Dimitri: 2. I mean p1′s hair is so goofy looking I just have to choose the edgelord

Claude: both. Claude looks fine so matter the time

Hubert: 2. He really did grow into the goth look

Petra: 1. Both are good but I love the huge braid

Lindhart: 1. p2 isn’t bad but I like the two layers look

Dorothea: 2. but both are good

Caspar: 2. Something about p1 always bothered me

Ferdinand: 2. His character model looks better than his sprite, and his hair is so luscious and flowing!

Bernadetta: 2. its just a mess is p1, v cute in p2

Dudue: 2. what is even going on in p1. where as p2 is like... elegant

Sylvain: 1. as much as I teased about him belonging in an otome game, his p2 haircut is just ugly

Ingrid: 1. mmmm its fluffy?

Felix: 1. What is his p2 hair even doing??? it makes me confused

Mercedes: 1. Fluffy.

Annette: 2. never was a fan of the hair loopies

Ashe: both. p1 is cute but p2 is beautiful. both are sooo good

Hilda: 2. p1 pigtails kinda boring

Raphael: 1. though p2 its a shaggy dog

Leonie: 1. another fluffy head, p2′s low pony tail does not give a flattering shape

Ignatz: 2. a bowl cut is an improvment from whatever p1 is

Lysithea: 2. not sue about the veil but it is more intersting than p1

Marianne: 1. I always did prefer thick bangs

Lorenz: 2. its definitely p2. in p1 he looks like such a clown

Cyril: 2. Honestly he kept the baby face so there’s not much difference.

Claude sees that under Rhea the church enforced a doctrine that locked in the status quo of nobles and crests and he wants to chage the church’s influence to promote tolerance, diversity, and open mindedness. but, hey. Hey. What if we got rid of the church all together.

Why can’t I recruit the old general... hey. Hey!

Aww Claude introduced me to his second mom and dad

So the more people you can recruit the less painful things are. I’m a little disappointed I didn’t get to kill Dimitri.

In terms of characters, Ferdinand has surprisingly grown on me. As for Caspar I shocks me occasionally how uncaring he is about killing people. He reminds me of a smt chaos hero with the whole might equals right thing. As long as he decides they are evil its ok to kill them. Now all he needs to do is get possessed by a demon. Eating away at him from the inside out. Ashe as always continues to be an absolute angel. I need somewhere to gush about how cool Claude looks in him final class promotion. So I rather like the group of childhood friends dimitri, felix, sylvain, ingrid. And it always trips me uo to remember that sylvain is like 2 years older than the rest because he really doesn't act like it. I'm getting that they are all traumatized from the death of felix's brother. A lot of the characters have had pretty bad childhoods.I was surprised to find out that Lysithea was tortured as a child like ok wow. I need to spend more time with you. Does Dimitri have PTSD? Golden Deer has had quite a few goofy hijinks. Marianne's character growth really has been a a thing of beauty, I’m so proud of her. But I love my oddball bunch of misfits. How did Dedue not get found out??? He’s very noticeable. and Claude, you’re starting to sound like Edelgard. I love Edelgard’s final promotion. Looks so cool. Like a mix or her Lord and Flame Emperor clothes. I wince every time some mentions the free market or the joys of capitalism. I guess adrestia is imperialism, faergus is religion, and leister is capitalism. I didn’t care about Dimriti’s death, but Edelgard’s got me.

damn ok so dubstep cyberpunk dungeon and Rhea took like 15 missile strikes. wow this really is very smt. maybe persona 2. And fighting zombie Nemesis and the 10 was excellent (Nemesis is still a stupid name). I love it when we fight literal embodiments of the past

its hilarious that in Shamir and Claude's paired ending,  he ends up ditching 3 whole times. He turns the opportunity to lead the unified fodland down, then he ditches house reigen, and then he abdicated the throne! I love it! That's so him. And they both wanted to travel the world.  Technically Claude is also a descendant of Loog so he also gave up claim to the Faerghus throne too. I swear. This dude. This dude...  Next its going to be revealed that secretly Claudr is Edelgard's cousin. Or one of her "dead" sibling. Lysithea tell us that blood experiment to force crests leads to physical and mental damage. Does this have anything to do with what happened to Edelgard’s siblings? As far as I can tell every ending has Fodland under a single party state. Crimson flower, azure moon, and verdant wind all end in monarchies, and silver snow a theocracy.

Hold up. Flayn said that Cethaleann never had any children as rational as to why she's not a descendant. But how did Lindhart get the crest then?? And I might be mixing up the 10 and the saints, but then I thought  the crests were designed as tools of war by those who slither in the dark. Thats how the 10 got them, to use as weapons against Sothis. But that then brings the question of why Rhea edited history in favor of them.  This is why the holy relics looked so ominous and creepy. The animations are eeeeeeeeuuuuuugggh. My initial though was that the church is secretly evil and this is foreshadowing. I mean rhea's kinda... viscous? Ruthless? Filled with barely contained hatred? I was thinking maybe she's secretly the evil dragon of the game the way Mila kinda was. 

But then you dont need consent to make a crest. Only blood. Blood could have been stolen from cihol and cethaleann to make their crests. Alternately they could have chosen to give crests to specific people.  The 2 sources of crests is also why there’s multiple weapons for some crests. The crest weapons made by the agartans all have a similar aesthetic, but not all the crest weapons have that aesthetic some look different and probably weren’t made by them. As for why Rhea rewrote the 10 into heroes. It might have been to stop people from questioning the crests and relics and seeking to replicate them. By framing it as sothis's doing, with the power of the church she can control crests, how people view them, and keep a closer eye on the descendants. Its its a gift by the goddess, of course we cant try to replicate them.

Let’s see what Claude achieved before he dipped. anti-discrimination laws (race, religion), and increased foreign relations. Potentially equal treatment under the law.

Edelgard really likes brute forcing solutions

The whole opera thing with Dorothea and Manuela stinks of the idol industry where an idol peaks at like 18. Real opera singers have much longer careers.

Golden Deer is so JRPG in the best way. There’s an evil cult of technologically advanced subterranean people, a zombie army, the power of friendship.

It already caught my attention when  missiles appeared and the evil cult's dungeon belonged is a scifi movie like ghost in the shell and I was thinking to myself "hmmm... this all sounds very smt of you" or maybe Persona 2. I mean with names like Shambala and the whole general aesthetic of that dungeon ... yeah. But then someone points out the UN’s symbol is all over the Agarthan stuff. And wow we really are in an smt timeline aren't we. and I remember seeing the missiles thinking hmmm that looks vaguely familiar. Its the UN symbol. Which means in alternate future Earth Sothis comes, we wage a war against the gods and and then Rhea destroys modern civilization along with the planet. that really does sound like the plot of an SMT game. I did wonder at the inclusion of electronica and dubstep into the soundtrack.

THC (Thinking Hard about Claude). Claude let's everyone know he's up to something, and his self portrayal as a schemer is both deliberate and truthful. He's using it part as social armor and part as an excuse to probe. Claude holds genuine cuiosity, wonder, and passion for the world. He is not always scheming so much as he is one of those people who's brain never turn off. He just wants to explore the world, meet different cultures, and discover all the secrets. Given the environment he grew up in, his natural inclinations angled him to thinking in terms of how to best leverage someone or how to sneak around.

Alright so here’s the lore as I know it. Sothis=Goddess came from another world to Fodlan. Through her blood made the goddess’ children (Nabateans) who are the original magical beasts and can talk, and they resided at Zanado. Rhea=Seiros=The Immaculate One, and the 4 Saints (Cihol=Seteth, Cethaleann=Flayn, Indech=The Indomitable, Macuil=The Wind Caller) are Nabateans. Sothis gave knowledge/interacted with the native humans of Fodlan (Agarthans). Eventually the Agarthans waged war against Sothis killing her and many Nabateans. The Agarthans used their bones to make weapons, their hearts to make crest stones, and their blood to make crests. The above is why magical beasts and demonic beasts are connected to crest stones. The crest stones as the hearts of Nabateans transform humans into a distorted version of their magical beast forms. The Sword of the Creator was made from materials taken from Sothis’ body. Using these weapons the humans attacked Zanado killing everyone except Seiros and the 4 Saints. The 10 Heroes Relics were similarly made from Nabatean bodies. Seiros, already obsessed with Sothis thought only of vengeance and bringing back Sothis. She raised an army, killed Nemesis, and drove the Agarthans underground to become Those who Slither in the Dark. Seiros then took control of the continent under the guise of The Church of Seiros. Seiros and the 4 Saints gave their blood to favored individuals granting them the power of their personal crest as well as potentially extending their lifespan/granting extended youth. This is why the 10 Heroes Relics have a visual aesthetic distinct from that of the weapons of the 4 Saints. The 10 Heroes Relics were made by the Agarthans but the other crest weapons like the other Gloucester crest weapon the Axe of Ukonvasara and the Saint’s weapons were not mad by them. The Church the acted as a tool for Seiros/Rhea to control the continent and its course. She then rewrote that part of history. The goddess was just sleeping, crests were a blessings of the goddess, etc. 

I am unsure as to why she did so, but I believe it served the 2 purposes. First it allowed Rhea to control the narrative and how people thought about the matter. Second it erases the existence of a rebellion against the Goddess. From the Church, Rhea could control the flow of information, censoring anything that threatened her power. Using the language of religion she could also justify using military force to eliminate her political opponents. 

[douxreviews]

iZombie - ‘Thug Death’ Review

"Time's nearly up for zombies."

This was a strange episode, for me.

All of iZombie’s four season premieres up until this point have made very clear mission statements. Notably, season four’s ‘Are You Ready for Some Zombies’ had the grand task of setting up a completely new version of Seattle that had been walled off from the rest of the world, and it did it well. ‘Thug Death’, the start of iZombie’s final season, feels more like a continuation of what came before it. Nothing felt all that different, and we spend a lot of the hour dancing around elements we had grown to understand last season. On top of that, the episode doesn’t spend enough time with its more impactful moments to let them truly resonate. A shaky start isn’t something iZombie has ever had before, and it’s a little concerning heading in to what should be the show’s last opportunity to show us what it does so well.

Several months after the events of the fourth season, this episode starts with all of the characters pretty much where we left them. Major is now the commander of Fillmore Graves, and struggling to maintain order; Clive is still holding down the fort at Seattle PD, but still enjoying what he can of his married bliss with the now expecting Bozzio; Blaine is a king amongst zombies and men, as he has control over the main channel of brains into the city; Peyton is still Chief of Staff for the former Mayor, but as far as Johnny Frost is concerned, she is the Mayor of New Seattle; Ravi’s “monthly” zombie outbursts are still a thing, as is his stagnated research into the cure he found in Isobel’s brain; and Liv is still Renegade, and is reviewing all of the applications that are pouring in to find asylum in New Seattle.

The latter’s actions this week are probably the strangest of the hour, mostly because they were all completely Liv. No brain and no visions factor into her investigation into the disappearance of a human girl, supposedly at the hands of a group of zombies. It’s nice to see the show rely completely on Liv herself and not a gimmicky trait to sell the episode, but with Ravi taking on the brain-of-the-week it forced Liv to take somewhat of a backseat. The writers do ensure that this investigation is laced with the tensions of the human/zombie inner war, though a decision to extend the case beyond this episode meant we didn’t really get into something concrete at any point during the episode.

Ravi, suffering from his monthly zombie outbreak, takes what was meant to be Liv’s last taste of “Thumb Breaker” brain. After that, we spend most of the episode watching Rahul Kohli having a lot of fun with something very close to home for him, but not necessarily very integral to the plot at hand. It did lend itself to some hilarious problems for Johnny Frost, who got a little handsy and weird with Peyton during a televised broadcast with our new least favourite Seattle resident, Dolly Durkins, leader of an anti-zombie organization known as Concerned Humans Imposing Common Sense.

The actions of CHICS lead to some serious problems for Major, after they stage a bombing on a Fillmore Graves hot spot. We don’t see much of said explosion – those pesky budget constraints rearing their ugly head again – but we also don’t see a whole lot of the aftermath either. Like with the investigation Liv and Clive are embroiled in, this feels like a second casualty of a decision to split the story over more than one episode.

We do get some resolution where the cure is concerned. As we discovered last season, Isobel’s unique brain provided a full cure for the zombie virus. A new doctor working for the CDC, Charli Collier, comes to the same conclusion. With Ravi on a pretty impersonal and insensitive brain, he doesn’t help matters when Collier tries to bring up this discovery with her fellow CDC colleagues. Ravi convinces her of the ramifications of doing so before it’s too late, though. It makes sense to introduce someone like Collier at this point in the game. With a handful of episodes left until the end, we need to get a viable cure on the table, and it seems like Ravi has exhausted most of his resources at this point, and Collier seems like a natural ally, despite what Ravi might have done on “Thumb Breaker” brain to harm that potential alliance.

Plus

Liv's reaction to Ravi's attempts to overcome "Thumb Breaker" brain was hilarious: " I feel like I just watched the Gollum-Smeagol scene from Two Towers."

Thumb Breaker brain wasn't happy with Aly Michalka's new haircut, but I sure as hell am digging it.

Justin is still a part of Fillmore Graves, and is second hand to Commander Lilywhite.

Liv decided to help a foster kid get into Seattle, but the kid in question chose to bring his foster sisters with him and they were caught before they could get into the city. Maybe we'll see more of this plot play out next week, which would be great since Francis Capra played a big part in it, and I relish any chance to see a former Veronica Mars alum in action.

He Said, She Said

Ravi: "Liv, it's happening. I should've known last night when I was more interested in eating the pizza guy than the pizza itself. My monthlies."

Blaine: "I wanna keep my hands clean. It's taken me so long to get them this way."

I was hoping for a bigger and better start to iZombie's final season than this, but it did throw a curve ball by closing on a "to be continued" screen, essentially cutting of the stories mid-stream. Next week should give us a clearer idea of what this season is trying to accomplish.

6 out of 10 fish and chips trucks.

Panda

[amysgiantbees]

Avengers: Endgame Spoilers

Much like Avengers Infinity War, my feelings on this film can most succinctly be put that overall I found it average to infuriating but there were some truly wonderful parts in between that I’ll always enjoy. I’ll come to this later but here are some notes on my feelings on Avengers Endgame...

THE GOOD

Wanda and Captain Marvel (but I still needed more of them)

Wanda and Captain Marvel fighting Thanos

Steve wielding Mjölnir

Valkyrie on a pegasus

King Valkyrie

Carol’s haircut

Rhodney and Nebula bonding!

Nebula and Tony playing paper football!

Pepper fighting in an iron suit

Sam is Captain America! (He better be Cap in the films, not just this new show, I know the MCU has a history of keeping the TV shows and films separate but please not in this case!)

THE BAD

Bruce dabs. I just can’t.

Clint’s hair and tattoos

Thanos’ ecofascism being justified by the narrative in certain ways like with Cap’s look on the bright side about the environment line.

The time travel plotholes. I do not understand time travel at all in this, feel free to explain if you do. Also, Thanos not having knowledge of anyone due to time travel really took a lot of impact out of the climax for me. My biggest issue with the time travel logic in this though is how can Nebula kill her past self? 

The limited time given to emotional character arcs is a real issue for me. For a movie that goes on for so long, I felt like more attention would be given to this and less to action. Like having characters that had rivalries with members of Thano’s Children never confronting against them again.

Thor never mentions Loki. He never grieves him. He was meant to actually legitimately be dead in this one so it would have been nice if not only there was more emotion and time spent on the scene with his mother but if he said goodbye to Loki during it too. Or told Freya to check in on Loki for him, make sure to tell him he loves him form him. I know she is destined to die but if they’d come earlier in the day and let there be time to do all of this it would have been more emotionally satisfying I think at least.

I HATE fatsuits. The fat jokes and the jokes at the expense of Thor’s panic attacks and mental health are REVOLTING. It’s just sad and frustrating that they decided to throw out all of Thor’s character development from Ragnorok for a few cheap laughs. His fat suit doesn’t even look real. It doesn’t match his neck and face and he doesn’t move right. Shockingly enough you move easier when it’s your own skin. This article and the author sum up my thoughts on all of this really well: https://medium.com/@kivabay/the-centr-of-controversy-cba6f23c692e. Also, Bay has a really great quote unrelated to Thor but also sums up another issue I have with the film and I just want to highlight it here, “ I also couldn’t help but view the movie with the knowledge we pick up on the internet about who is leaving the MCU, making the character deaths feel melodramatically goofy and like executive-level calculations.“

Also, somewhat silly critique but doesn’t Thor need special Asgardian beer to get drunk not “mortal” beer in a can. Damn, Thor was just poorly thought through. And I could almost find him fighting against Thanos with zero weight loss aspiring if the whole idea of Chris Hemsworth portraying him and every other way he was handled wasn’t disgustingly terrible. Fat Thor as an idea is amazing. I’d love to see him portrayed as such in the comics as long as he’s treated with respect. 

They can’t just have the film be cathartically separate and contained they have to hint at more film’s with the “Where’s Gamora” mystery ready to go and Thor joining the Guardians. They have been advertising Homecoming for months and have the next few years of movies already planned, people aren’t under any illusions that there won’t be sequels. Just let it be self-contained. Especially since it’s already so long. 

Just personal taste thing here but the “Avengers Assemble” bit was too cheesy and the ruin of the Avengers mansion was a boring background for the battle.

Dr. Strange was wasted stopping that tsunami. Did they need that? It was such a boring use for him in the battle. This battle had so many heroes but it felt like it really used their powers significantly less creatively together than any other battle previously. 

Why weren't Fury, Carol and Maria all standing together at Tony’s funeral with their arms around each other like everyone else? It was really strange and took some of the emotion out of the scene, they’re close to each other. It could have been such a beautiful moment and tied the whole Captain Marvel “Where’s Fury?” scene together if they had them beside each other with her smiling sadly at him or leaning against him. They’re friends and it would be nice to see Fury further fleshed out and more three dimensional. 

I don’t mind that Loki is dead but it does make me retroactively annoyed that ��You... will never be... a god” was seriously his last line. He had nothing nice to say to his brother before he dies? So he really did die trying to use a knife on someone who can take on the Hulk. I hope that at least in his show that’s coming soon he’s genderqueer and given the opportunity to properly show off his magic. I feel like his magic has never been displayed properly or used in particularly interesting ways so far.

I would have rewritten the scene where Banner and Rocket look for Thor. Banner, Thor and Valkyrie’s interactions are stale and strange. It would have been better (so as not to erase all of his character development) if he was still dealing with his PTSD or the loss of his people poorly but was at least trying to help the Asgardians. But then show Valkyrie having to help him and being the clearly stronger leader due to being able to deal with this grief better after having experience working through grief from losing her Valkyries. She could also be helping him with his alcoholism instead of judging him since she has been there! It would have shown her mentor abilities and kingly traits. You could still have him join the Guardians in the end but now he’s just less negligent. Then he isn’t passing a burden for convenience but because he recognizes Valkyrie was there for his people when he couldn’t be and is the better, more loved leader. Instead of what should be a great moment for Valkyrie that she’s shown as earnt and is deserving of it just seems like Thor was like “Well it turns out ruling was too hard for me I’m going to f*ck off to space now look after them for me.” Still, love that she gets to be king. 

Did I mishear her name or is Clint’s daughter not called Kate? Why aren’t we getting Kate Bishop? I know she isn’t Clint’s daughter in the comics but they’ve changed people’s backstories before and after seeing Clint training with a young girl in the trailer I was just really excited for her. I love her character in the comics, but maybe she has a name change here? 

Also, why does Clint go overseas to fight people? I’m sure there are more than enough bad people in America for him to fight for YEARS. There are Neo-Nazis for F*CKS SAKE. It just seems racist to imply he’d have to look in places predominantly occupied by POC to find bad people. Also, that Sword scene was strange. It felt really unnatural and fake like it belonged in a completely different movie. 

Also, little nitpick but I just found it to be a weird moment when that kid Ant-Man talks to didn’t say “What do you mean?” or “How do you not know?” I get not wanting to talk about the snap but how could he not be mildly curious or confused as to how someone seems to be ignorant to the biggest tragedy in world history.

Also, I really would have loved if the final battle had more consequences. More deaths and injuries. I think it would have been more realistic and added more to it. I especially really would have loved it if they had shown Clint getting injured in such a way that his hearing was permanently damaged. It would be nice to finally have him have that important comic book trait. 

Also, that scene where Joe Russo, a straight man, plays a gay man is bullshit. Let us have gay superheroes. That is such a pathetic attempt at representation. Make Loki Genderfluid, make Carol a wLw, Give Okoye and Valkyrie a girlfriend or acknowledge they’re wLw. 

Furthermore, I understand that the shot of all the women at the final battle was probably foreshadowing A-Team but I don’t think the creators realised that, One: it makes it look like they’re trying to hide that they killed the only original female member of the Avengers while giving all the men satisfying endings. Two: that there are A LOT fewer women than men but also that there’s enough of them that more of them really should have been featured before then and had more time spent on them. Just so many women yet so few films focussed on them. Furthermore, for those people who don’t know about A-Team it also just feels like a moment of pandering.  

Look, Black Widow has never been one of my favorite characters but she deserved better. As soon as she was proclaimed infertile in Age of Ultron it was a death sentence because what use is a woman who can’t reproduce. She didn’t even get a funeral. Clint should have died. The snap forced Natasha to fully commit to her found family and lead the Avengers for years. The snap sent Clint into a debatably racist murder rampage. Natasha did something good after the snap it gave her more purpose. Clint’s purpose was to bring his family back and he could still do that by sacrificing himself. It’s honestly far more satisfying to see Natasha get her happy ending than Clint because Clint’s ending is just far too similar to his story in Age of Ultron. It is just hilariously underwhelming when everyone else has an emotional ending just to have Clint’s be a regurgitated version of him retiring with his family in Ultron. Also, Natasha dying for guilt over some vague bad that’s she’s done in her past that we know nothing about is so unsatisfying. This video I feel also sums up a lot of my feelings on this https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A81p1N2gnNY&t=649s. Also from a monetary standpoint, not that Disney needs more money, but there’s way more demand for Black Widow films than Hawkeye. Just why Hawkeye, no one gives a sh*t.

More so I’m not against Tony using the gauntlet but I think it got in the way of Nebula having a fully satisfying conclusion to her arc. At least one woman should have had a satisfying, fully realised arc. It would have been great if Nebula got to finally kill Thanos but honestly, I wouldn’t be as mad at it if she hadn’t got wrongfully blamed for doing it by Thanos or had her arc conclude in an otherwise satisfying way. She gets abused further by Thanos for something she never did and never gets an opportunity to even just face him and confront him about ANYTHING. 

Also, Vision is barely mentioned in the film. Which wouldn’t be so frustrating if he wasn’t the reason why an ENTIRE ARMY of predominantly black people was sacrificed in Infinity War. They had to save him because they all apparently cared so much about him but can’t remember to mention him more than once afterward. 

I really hate that they were so scared of spoilers that they didn’t let all of the actors read their scripts ahead of time and cut out massive chunks of their scripts and didn’t tell them who they were playing against. I would rather spoilers than poor acting that ruins the timelessness of a film. This is meant to be epic! 

[my-pocket-universe]

1, 6, 23, 24, and 30 for wondertrev please!!!!!!!

Wondertrev headcanons!

Omg @justpond–eringtheuniverse thank you so much for doing this OTP question meme with me. You have no idea how stoked I am. I love Wondertrev so much my heart could implode and I have so much to say about them! Please bear with me as this is going to be one hell of a long post and I apologise in advance for the overwhelming length.The following answers are based on my head-canon, in which Steve somehow was resurrected and returned to Diana as an immortal (perhaps as a gift from the powers that be), soon after the explosion and defeat of Ares in 1918, and they have been living blissfully ever after.I must emphasise the fact that I love fanfics that have Steve resurrected and become immortal in the 21st century as much as the next Wondertrev shipper, given the interesting role reversal and the fish-out-of-water situations that have Steve attempt to adjust to modern technology, but my heart aches whenever I try to imagine how excruciating and disheartening it must have been for Diana to live through a century without Steve. Alas, here we go:

1. Who is the most affectionate?They are both passionate about each other but their upbringings make them manifest their love and passion very differently. She may seem reserved to others (with the exception of her original friends like Etta and the guys) but Diana is never one to hide her emotions and perpetually deep affection for Steve, in private or in public - she speaks her mind and put her words and thoughts into action, praising, complimenting, kissing, hugging, caressing and touching him whenever possible. Canonically speaking, in the movie, Diana was the one to hold his hand first and she made it clear that she wanted him to stay in her room in the inn in Veld and she even initiated the kiss. She is unfazed by the societal expectations, norms, customs and traditions of Man’s world which were holding Steve back occasionally. I like to think he is just as affectionate (and he certainly loves her as much) but he was also brought up as a gentleman and born in 1880s after all. At first he wasn’t too accustomed to public display of affection beyond hand holding, cupping Diana’s face, touching her hair and light kisses on her forehead or cheeks but eventually he became bolder and more relaxed in public with her, as they cherished every opportunity to be affectionate to their other half, especially after almost losing each other forever that night in the airfield in Belgium in 1918 and the societal standards changed gradually over the century they have been living in as a couple. It also had something to do with how Diana was rubbing off on him with her Amazonian ways. Steve is also the one to shower Diana with surprises whenever possible and mostly something non-materialistic as he knows well enough the preferences of his goddess. At home or in private they are very on par and in sync in terms of affection, although Diana would be more verbal about everything and Steve tries his best to catch up. They just love each other with every fiber of their being.

6. What is their favourite feature of their partner’s?Diana’s favourite feature(s) of Steve would definitely be his mesmerising and bright cerulean eyes which remind her of the tranquillising blue waters of Themyscira. A close second would be his ash blonde hair (and he’s been keeping the same haircut from 1918 to 2018, as it never goes out of style), followed by his physique. She is just so pleased with his well above-average overall physical appearance and vigour and there is nothing she would find undesirable. To Steve, Diana is his angel (and actual goddess and salvation) and his love for her is a combination of utmost respect, devotion, admiration, affection, adoration and romantic attraction, thus to him she is simply perfect in every sense and it may be hard to pinpoint a feature but if one must ask he would say her eyes can reach one’s soul and her lips hold all the truths in the universe and he would never get tired of savouring her ethereal beauty.

23. Who comes up with cheesy pickup lines?Gotta hand this one to Steve. His dry and sometimes cheesy humour is incredibly endearing to Diana and when the pickup lines are embarrassing he blushes so hard and Diana would first chuckle and then kiss him. Every now and then she turns the table on him and be the one to say them and for him it is always part hilarious and part enticing. Both of them can be goofy at times and they always end up laughing at the lines together lightheartedly.

24. Who whispers inappropriate things in the other’s ear during inappropriate times?Both, although Diana instigated this. In the beginning, she didn’t even realise these things and circumstances are inappropriate because they seemed normal on Themyscira. It certainly had him very flustered and made it difficult for him to keep his composure when she first did that. Eventually Steve was emboldened and she knew he could handle this and they frequently do this to each other.

30. One headcanon about this OTP that mends itThis is by far the best question and I could talk about it all day. And if I were a better writer I would turn this into a fic (I actually tried and am still too ashamed to publish it, seeing there are so many brilliant pieces already, or perhaps I will, when I finally have mustered up enough courage to do so). Humour me, yeah?

Essentially, the major headcanon - shortly after blowing up the German bomber plane with himself in it, in Belgium, 1918, Steve was resurrected and returned to Diana as an immortal and they have been living blissfully ever after - encapsulates numerous minor headcanons:

1918 to 1940s:

a month into their reunion, Steve proposed to Diana and she immediately said yes; marriage might have been a foreign concept to her at first but after having been through so much in terms of life and death, they couldn’t and wouldn’t be separated again, and matrimony became very justified ; they wanted to hold, cherish and love each other more than anything and they intended to spend the rest of their eternal(!) lives together

Diana and Steve had a simple yet blissful wedding ceremony at the City Hall, attended by Steve’s only and elder sister Tracy, Etta, Charlie, Sameer and the Chief and their family members (Steve’s parents passed away before he joined the US Army)

Steve was in his US Army military uniform and he was stunned by the breathtaking sight of Diana when she entered the room, escorted by Etta and Tracy; she wore an airy sleeveless and low-cut white silk wedding gown that made her resemble the Greek marble statues and he was lovesick and his eyes glistened with joyful tears and he grinned so hard his cheeks stiffened, meanwhile she was blushing and smiling like he was the most precious being in the universe

They were now Steve and Diana Prince-Trevor; Diana thought she liked the sound of Mrs Trevor, there was a nice ring to it, however, out of respect, Steve said it was up to her to keep the surname he crafted for her, and they decided on hyphenating them

British Intelligence learnt of Steve’s immortality and his profile became top secret; due to his physical advantage over other officers and criminals, he was assigned special ops and high-risk rescue missions, much to Diana’s dismay (”Steve, you are not invincible, you could still get hurt,” sighed Diana), but Steve wanted to help more people, so he assured her that he would take proper care of himself and if she wanted to help him he was more than content to have her by his side; British Intelligence obviously knew about Diana and her identity as Wonder Woman by now and they condoned this

Diana received a degree in ancient art history and archeology from Oxford, completing the courses in less than 3 years, which wasn’t surprising to Steve at all; she speaks hundreds of languages and has an eidetic memory, for starters, and she went on to become a curator of the British Museum

1940s to 1970s:

They fought side by side during WWII and helped the allies tremendously in liberating concentration camps, pushing the frontlines and gathering  strategic intel

After the war, Steve resumed his secret missions for British Intelligence and Diana also joined SIS, as her colleagues at the British Museum began to show concern for, if not suspect, her apparent lack of aging; the SIS continued to provide them with identifications that could avoid suspicion pertaining to their condition

They visited Tracy and her family every now and then; she kept the questions about his peculiarly youthful appearance to herself and Steve was more than grateful for her understanding and she passed on at the age of 70; her children were curious about their uncle’s secret too but knew better not to ask

They maintained their close friendships with Etta, Sameer, Charlie and the Chief over the years, up until their passing, either due to old age or illness; afterwards, Diana and Steve had a sabbatical and travelled the world for several years, their wealth accumulated over the years kept them comfortable

1980s to present:

After their sabbatical, they parted with British Intelligence to relocate to the US, and there they joined the CIA (the Agency knew about Steve and Diana and their work from top-secret joint missions with the SIS); they were living in the States only every now and then as their operations required frequent worldwide travels; a decade or so later Steve requested a transfer to a command and strategic position based in the US as Diana became a curator for the Smithsonian Institution

Another decade later, Justice League was formed, and Steve has been leading US government’s ARGUS since; Diana is Head of Antiquities at Louvre when she isn’t busy saving the world as Wonder Woman

100 years later Diana and Steve are still living happily ever after and saving the world together

Throughout the years:

They tried out various flavours and types of ice cream in countries they visited but Diana’s favourite is always the homemade ones Steve concocts for her

So is breakfast, they certainly sampled numerous and miscellaneous kinds during their globetrotting travels, yet she always favours the Trevor special, scrambled eggs, bacon, sausage, hashbrown, baked beans and toast always all cooked just right and impeccable, prepared before she wakes up and served in a tray to be enjoyed in bed, and always followed by cuddling

Steve’s missions always require him to pilot airplanes; despite knowing he is immortal, Diana still gets worried (but she doesn’t make a fuss about it and Steve really appreciates that)

Diana and Steve didn’t always just work for the government, they make their best effort to save people outside of the bureaus’ jurisdictions whenever possible

Steve’s father’s watch is kept in a safe for preservation; Steve and Diana have been wearing matching watches (besides always wearing matching couple outfits, much to the amusement of their friends and acquaintances)

They rarely argue, let alone fight, and if they did they reconcile soon after (Steve is always patient and understanding and Diana is very compassionate and caring)

Diana is amused when she realised Steve actually needs glasses (despite his excellent marksmanship) and she chose pairs of them for him; although Steve started wearing contact lens once they were commercialised, he still wears glasses from time to time (think Chris Pine wearing glasses, *wink wink*)

Steve is polylingual (English, French, German, Dutch, Danish and Swedish) and Diana is always there to teach him other languages, either for professional or personal/recreational purposes

They always make time for vacation

They visit Themyscira every 3 years (except during WWII)

When they are at home they always find time to sway to some slow and soothing music

[ineffablefool]

Hey Jack,

I....have a hard question I would very much love your thoughts on. I've gotten so much out of reading your writings.

I'm trans-masc but I seem to be in possession of a body that puts any extra me in verrrry feminine-coded places.

I'm stuck between a rock, a hard place and a sea of ick. The rock is not wanting to be fat-phobic and devalue human bodies of a y size, the hard place is not wanting to be transphobic and say trans people don't have the right be sad & take measures to change how their body looks to match their gender ID and the sea of ick is the idea that adipose tissue being on my hips instead of around my stomach means anything at all.

My body looks so feminine I cannot imagine it is mine. Sometimes I think that it does look like a very nice body, but why am *I* in it? This must be a filing error.

Oh, anon. I wish I had the answer to this one, because I could also kind of use it myself.

I don't... really have anything to say about the rock. You are correct 100% yay good job on not wanting to devalue bodies of any particular size or shape. That by itself is great.

The hard part -- I don't think it's mutually exclusive to say that you do not need to change your body's size, but you would like to change the gender-coded portions of its shape. For one thing, you are playing by society's rules here, just like most of us are (some people have completely opted out and that is good too), which means that, generally speaking, to be treated as a masc-leaning individual, you have to "look like" a masc-leaning individual, and someone who wasn't you decided what that meant. You didn't choose any of this stuff, you didn't choose to have everyone be so hung up on it (or to have your own brain be stewed in it your whole life!), but you (and I, and many other trans, enby and/or gnc people) are stuck with it. That means there are choices that boil down to "how many feminine-coded details could I leave in place if I wanted to (or if I couldn't change them), and still be seen as/feel like I am overall masculine?" And everyone gets to decide for themselves whether the genderedness of their body shape is something they are okay with, or something that they would like to change or downplay.

Granted, I still don't recommend weight loss for this purpose or for any other, since there are no well-formed peer-reviewed scientific studies at all ever that show that more than a few people can safely keep more than a little weight off for more than a couple years (and in fact they are likely to end up fatter, which just makes the "problem" worse) (I have dared naysayers to produce a study saying otherwise; no one ever has. One time someone tried to gotcha me with a study whose Results section agreed with me, which was hilarious).

But aha!, someone might say. Mister Jack N F Ibblefool, if that is your real name (it's not), what's the difference between a trans person making bodily changes and a fat person losing weight?

To which I say. Well. Nobody has ever gotten top surgery and had the things grow back, y'know? Nobody has ever gotten gender-affirming facial reconstruction and had it revert. Not all changes from T are permanent, but the ones that are, are... well... permanent. There are dozens of things that signal to people that we are of a particular gender, from haircut to walking style to voice intonation to bodily shape to what kind of a shirt you're wearing today, and as far as I am aware, there are no studies showing that in the vast majority of cases, all of these will revert in five years max.

Changing perceived markers of gender is often permanent, and even the temporary ones are generally not statistically-speaking nigh-impossible to maintain. Changing weight is, again, statistically speaking (inb4 someone wants to talk about how their aunt and their cousin and their friend all lost weight on this one diet, because your three pals do not trump decades of science), extremely temporary, and is more likely to end up the opposite of what the person was intending in the end.

So that's the difference between a trans person making bodily changes and a fat person losing weight.

(That was very long, anon, and I apologize for making your answer the place where I dump that series of thoughts. But it is at least a little bit relevant I think.)

And the sea of ick -- this gets back to the rules that someone else decided by and now we're surrounded by people playing them. The locations where the squishy bits go should not have nearly so much bearing on how we get gendered (including by ourselves), but they do. And it sucks. I think it's getting better even since I was in high school -- we definitely had no out trans kids in a student body of ~2000 at the end of last century, but now they're popping up all over and cis people are being forced to recognize that maybe their two neat little set-it-and-forget-it boxes are not actually the entirety of human existence and that is good -- but we're still stuck at "hips equals gorl" most of the time. I hate it. I don't know what to do about it.

See, like I said at the top, I really don't have a good answer. You get to pick what you do with your body, because it's your body. If you have the means and opportunity to talk to an experienced gender therapist, this might make a good motive, because they will be aware of resources and tools that one lil transmasc dude on the Internet (who actually tended to use his therapy sessions talking about general mental health instead, oops) has no idea about.

If you wanted thoughts, then hoo boy, I guess you got them. In triplicate. Here also are triplicate hearts. 💜💜💜

(note: I am aware T is a potential solution, but anon didn't mention it, so I'm assuming either they can't be on it at least right now, don't want to be on it at least right now, or have already applied that potential solution.)

[pendesvoyage]

Don’t Shave His Balls

6 June 2018

There are over 43 million households in America that have a dog. Short hair, long hair, thick coated or thin, they all need to be taken care of. That’s where dog groomers come in. Dog owners feed their dogs out of the palm of their hands. They dress them in collars more expensive than my car. It would only make sense that they would only trust a professional to give their little pup a haircut. In my mind, dog groomers are just so obsessed with dogs that they have to have them, not just at home, but at work also. Groomers are the aunt that pinches your cheeks and asks if you met a nice young person to marry yet- but to your dog. I am an animal lover, so I think we would get along.

My journey into being a dog groomer for a day led me to a grooming salon in Rogers, AR. They have their own small territory inside a larger store, and they are very proud of it. The grooming salon is encased in glass and on display for everyone to see. There are grooming tables lining the two long walls where groomers do the best part of their job. Up front is a desk where they greet pet parents, and where they greeted me with a smile and a wave.

They were busy with excitable dogs, but they still had time to interact with each other like it was second nature. They’re just that good. Dog groomers have a very clear and distinct role in their local society. People come to them when their beloved German Shepherd, Rosco, rolls through the mud puddle in the backyard and they have family pictures that afternoon. They are seen as the dog’s stylist, therapist, and babysitter. Groomers come from all backgrounds and ways of life; they are as diverse as the dogs they serve. That includes their personalities. One thing they must all have in common, though, is a love of dogs.

The uniform of a dog groomer is neither sexy nor flashy. Each of them wear closed-toed, non-slip shoes. Some of them wear boots, some tennis shoes, but all of them are picked specifically for this job. Their attire is certainly picked for comfort over fashion but even their pants range from sweats to yoga pants to scrubs, depending on taste. Each of them are matching at least in regards to their slate grey, wicking smocks that are company issue. Then, they differ once again in hair style. Some wear it in a ponytail, some down, and most somewhere in between. All of the groomers in this salon are female except one. I believe it’s probably something like being a teacher, not a profession most men are inherently drawn to, but could be great at nonetheless.

When a pet owner enters the store they know that one of these people with be caring for their dog. Even outside of the salon, that smock with the company name emblazoned upon the breast is recognizable. They also have a way of speaking that is specific to their job. They call dog owners that come in “pet parents” and shaving a dog’s entire body a “ten all over”. Even outside of work, their knowledge of dog breeds and hair types would clue us all in that they’re not just run-of-the-mill animal lovers. When they are at work they are noticed as employees and as experts. When they aren’t in uniform though they wouldn’t be distinguishable from anyone else.

I got the chance to have a sit down with Delores, a dog groomer for a few years and a- surprise- animal lover. She became a dog groomer after her mother-in-law asked her to cut her Shih Tzu’s hair. Delores thought it would be great is she could learn how to do that herself and sought out an opportunity to learn, thus the job. A plus was that they paid for her training and gave her supplies to get her started in her career. One of the perks of being a dog groomer is the “cute dogs that behave” she informed me. She loves being a groomer so she can turn “crazy, frumpy dogs into cute ones”.

Working with other dog groomers can have its downside though. A frustration that rears its ugly head time and again is all of the clashing personality types in such a small space. Though she is secure in knowing they all share a purpose in the salon, it can be tough to feel at ease with so many different types of people. “People that are more on the artistic side have big personalities,” she told me with a roll of her eyes. She considers grooming an art and artists are a very proud people.

The other frustration can be the...enthusiastic pet parents. Although most customers see these groomers as professionals in their career, some think only they know best for their dogs. Delores told a few hilarious and frustrating stories about the more memorable customers. One day, a lady came in with her tiny purse pet and asked for a basic groom including sanitary areas, but when she was given her dog back she wasn’t pleased. She hated that they’d shaved her dog’s balls, citing that they “made him look gay because you can see them”. The pet parent refused to take her dog from the salon; she didn’t want him out in public looking like that.

A more recent example came in the form of a housewife with bigger dreams for her life. She brought her dog in to get groomed, and when the groomers asked their usual questions (Have they had their shots? Are they aggressive towards other dogs? Do they have heart problems, including heartworms?) they hit a snag. The poor dog had heartworms which meant they couldn’t groom the dog. Company policy. “But he’s on preventatives and antibiotics,” the owner protested.

It didn’t matter. For the safety of the dog, they couldn’t put him in a stressful situation that might exacerbate the situation. The owner’s face turned sour and panicked. “We’re going to be on HGTV! They’re coming tomorrow and he has to look nice!” Her fifteen minutes of fame didn’t change company policy though, so they had to refuse. After calling other local groomers and vets to look for an opening for the woman and failing, the frustrated owner threw her hands up and shouted to God and country, “Cuss!” When everyone in the salon stood frozen in confusion she clarified. “I can’t say the word, but cuss!” she exclaimed again before throwing her head back and laughing maniacally, walking out with her dog.

It’s a good thing she doesn’t have to go through that kind of thing alone. She also has a strong group of people that have to deal with the very same everyday. There are a few favorites that make work “light and fun” but others can make the environment “toxic”. Luckily, the majority of her days, she’s surrounded by people she enjoys working with.

I bet Delores is glad she owns cats and can get a break from her job at home. They are two adorable fluffy butts that couldn’t be more different. One is thin with a sharp, black spot across his eye. The other is the Taft of cats and owns it. She got cats because they were easier to have in an apartment, but now she’s obsessed. Getting a dog might be an option when they have a big backyard, she said, but she’ll always prefer cats.

Due to the strain it puts on her body and a lack of longevity in that area of work, Delores has decided to go to school for Medical Billing and Coding, which will take a year or two to complete and then she plans to move on to a different career that will have much less dog hair. Being a part of this group has been fun, but she is looking forward to being a part of a less strenuous one.

Groomers hold a special place in the hearts of dog owners, as proved by the Christmas cards and graduation invites they receive. Surprisingly, I learned, dog groomers lives’ don’t actually revolve around dogs outside of work, though they do have an exuberant love for the species. Their lives are so much more than that, even if that’s all we see of it. They are significant others and cat owners and students and parents. Just like me, they work hard everyday because they love what they do. In the future, I advise everyone to treat their dog groomers with the respect and patience they deserve.

(Names were changed or deleted.)