#this has really pissed me off sorry I've seen several people post things like this

[thedreadvampy]

vaguing a post that's on my dash that I don't want to engage with (as usual) but actually no CPTSD isn't a diagnosis for 'when things were a tiny bit bad a lot' or 'if you experienced relationships that were toxic but not abusive' it's a diagnosis describing the impacts of CONTINUOUS TRAUMA. not less significant but more frequent trauma; trauma which is ongoing/continuous/recurring in developmental years.

like I'm not trying to gatekeep here and I recognise the value of saying 'it doesn't have to be a Single Big Obvious Trauma' because one key thing about CPTSD is that generally it makes traumatic incidents Your Normal so you don't necessarily view them as unusual or concerning. but I often see people talk about CPTSD as if it implies smaller individual incidents than PTSD and that just is not the case.

most experiences I have seen people be diagnosed with CPTSD for (myself included) are not 'a little bit toxic'. they are things which, each incident taken separately, an outsider would still recognise as traumatic - medical emergencies, rape and sexual abuse, significant physical violence, emotional abuse and coercive control, homelessness, severe poverty, war, torture, etc - and the thing that makes the PTSD C is not the relative level of the trauma, but the fact that it's enough of a repeated and consistent pattern, at an early enough stage, and sufficiently embedded in everyday life, that it becomes a person's baseline for 'normal'.

CPTSD is not a synonym for emotional microtraumas or cumulative trauma or 'death by a thousand cuts'. It's specifically defining the psychological differences in response to long term formative trauma as opposed to traumatic events which you process as an aberration (eg the difference between regular violence against you from trusted adults in childhood vs being physically abused for the first time in adulthood with existing experience of healthy relationships). Traumas causing CPTSD tend to be pretty similar in type, scale and severity to traumas causing standard PTSD - they are just more embedded and normalised earlier in life.

all this to say there's nothing wrong with acknowledging that cumulative microtraumas can't affect us in traumatic ways. there's nothing wrong with pointing out that there's a broad range of types of trauma, and trauma can include stuff like growing up marginalised or ill as well as abuse, war, injury or immediate loss. there's nothing wrong, too, with acknowledging that a lot that is traumatic doesn't necessarily feel traumatic to you.

but like. no. CPTSD is not a diagnosis for people whose trauma wasn't 'big enough' for PTSD. CPTSD is not cumulative microtraumas. CPTSD is a response to formative macrotraumas or to a long term traumatic situation without hope of escape or change and if you want to talk about microtraumas then do that but it's not what CPTSD is!

[themotherofhorses]

Hi guys, it's Vic! Also known as:

Round TWO at addressing the extreme racism in the CoD fandom!

So it’s both odd and funny that my Indigenous fem!OC has pissed off so many random people, especially with the fact that I created her to ship with Ghost.

(A fictional character that has NO canon love interest, FYI. Sorry to bust y'all's little bubble. Well, there's Mara and Urban Tracker....)

Anyways, I really don't care if this post sounds bitchy in nature. I really don't, not anymore. Some of y'all need a damn wakeup call. Several months ago, in December of 2023, I made a post (here) regarding the sudden influx of hate I began receiving following the posting of my OC, SilentDove Reyes. For around two weeks after that post, the hate died down, and I felt motivated to create more content involving Dove and Ghost.

Until the hate picked up again with every little thing I posted that related to my OC x Ghost.

However....this new hate incorporated the MMIW. A bold ass move, in my opinion.

If you are not aware, the MMIW stands for "Missing and Murdered Indigenous Women." Alternate spellings include the MMIWG & MMIWGTS (Missing and Murdered Indigenous Women, Girls, and Two-Spirits). As of 2023, statistics indicate that Indigenous women face a 10x murder rate than any other race/ethnicity. I have made a previous post regarding the issue, seen here. The unfortunate truth is that young Indigenous girls are more likely to be SA'd and murdered than to attend college. Let that sink in for a moment.

Now, I am an Indigenous woman. That is no surprise there; I fashioned my OC to provide myself (and, by extension, others) with Native representation in a franchise I greatly enjoy. What IS surprising, however, is that me doing so has pissed off so many people. I'm very certain some of y'all must descend from Andrew Jackson, or John Wayne cause, christ on a bike driven by a pike.

Here is a screenshot of a hate anon I recently received:

Listen, I don't care who you ship Ghost with. I really don't. I've blocked numerous shipping tags, remained mindful of the content I'm interacting with, and surrounded myself with fellow mutuals who also have personal OCs. It is really that easy.

What I do care about is the fact that some of you CANNOT separate fanon headcanons from canon material.

Exhibit A:

So let’s clear some stuff up!

Soap x Ghost is NOT canon.

Ghost being queer is NOT canon.

And, most definitely, Ghost being a woman abuser who would harm/abuse/murder a woman (either physically, emotionally, psychologically) is NOT canon.

What IS canon is his and Soap's strong bond. In my eyes, that is a brotherly bond, reminding me of a big brother/little brother relationship; in my fanfiction, Soap is Ghost's children's uncle. In fact, his son (second-born child) is named after him.

You are, of course, free to view them as romantic; what you are not free to do is attack OC creators/non-shippers for not perceiving them like that.

That is just fucking weird and delusional behavior. Knock it off. You're giving your fellow normal shippers a bad name.

ALSO! Let’s clear things up!

1. I’m not straight — I’m bisexual and demisexual.

2. I’m only half white (Spanish, with Mexican heritage). I’m QUITE LITERALLY an enrolled Native, so I guess the best way to describe me is “biracial.”

3. It’s y’all ruining the canon gay representation by shipping Laswell—a GAY woman—with Price, despite the fact that she canonically has a wife.

4. My OC does not have a “dumb fucking name.” Her name is an Indigenous name with a specific backstory to it; it’ll be explored further in future fanfics once I find the motivation to return to writing.

Anyways, I highly doubt this will be the last post I create regarding this problem; apparently, a nice chunk of the fandom has this intense animosity towards fem!OCs, fem!Y/Ns, and BIPOC!OC creators. Alright. With that being said, I invite anyone who has similar experiences to share yours, either in the reblogs or in separate posts.

As sometimes we say during pow wows:

“The floor is all yours.”

Thank you!

[just-prime]

Ahsoka is so slow I could cry. She was trained by Anakin and presumably Obi-wan and several other Jedi, and Rosario can hardly do an actual lightsaber twirl, let alone make me believe she could survive Ventress, Maul, Grievous, or Vader, survive order 66, or run in a way that looks fast. Bo-Katan moves faster, Shin moves faster, Sabine moves faster, Ezra moves faster, even Ewan's lazy twirls while walking around and not actively engaged in battle in the prequels were roughly as fast as Rosario's in an actual duel.

It's also canon that in this era, in a less prequels flashy version of standard Jedi abilities, a Jedi can leap SEVERAL feet. Luke in ROTJ- even GROGU can jump higher, while Rosario's feet are consistently glued to the ground. Her choreography and speed are so inconsistent with this established era and people keep writing it off and praising it as her fighting like a samurai now, even though it makes NO sense for her to, given who trained her. She isn't A New Hope Obi-wan, nor sad cave dwelling Obi-wan who hasn't stretched or lifted a weapon in a decade, and a 44 year old Jedi is still supposed to be in their prime.

I truly wonder if part of it is that they can't keep her lekku on properly if she does a flip, and they are shorter because they were meant to be more practical, but I'm really not seeing a character agile enough to need stunt modified lekku.

If they couldn't bring this to life in live action convincingly, it should have remained animated and each passing week demonstrates this more and more.

I'm sorry to anon into your inbox like this, but your post about the last episode has been so refreshing, and I've felt like I've been watching a completely different show than other people and don't know how they considered any of the actors ready. (Rosario has said she was training during filming). Thank you for your brutally honest take, you're spot on on all counts.

Couple of things.

A) I agree with everything you just said. Always feel free to come and rant into my asks.

B) I HAVE BEEN ANTI TINY LEKKU SINCE MANDO S2. It's laughable that we've seen cosplayers with more Rebels accurate headpieces. And of course everyone defends it with the 'it wouldn't be fair to the stunt person to have them try and do flips in that' and it's like NEWSFLASH Ahsoka isn't doing flips anyway!!! And sure, they probably stuck Rosario in a 5 week sword training class, but she's clearly not had to do any serious combat training given how clunky her fights are. And again, this was also a problem back in Mando s2, only she was in the middle of a foggy woods, so it was easier to hide the fact that she is incompetent when it comes to fight choreography.

C) "If they couldn't bring this to life in live action convincingly, it should have remained animated" Exactly. This is why every passing day I am increasingly pissed that this show killed and ate the animated Rebels sequel series that was in fucking development. Everything about this show, from Ahsoka, to Hera (hell, even TBoBF cameos like Cad Banes) prove that Disney is not willing to shell out for a decent makeup and/or CG designer. No shade to the artists that are currently working on it, they are doing their jobs to the best of their abilities. What I mean is they didn't have anyone on set that was in a high enough positions to say 'Hey, have any of you heard of contouring?' Like, just looking at the alien makeup of the OT...which somehow holds up better than state of the art Disney budget makeup. It's just fucking embarrassing at this point. There is no reason everyone should look as flat as they do, but it's no surprise that they do when mary elizabeth winstead is celebrating that her makeup only took an hour. Sure, it's understandable that you don't want to be sitting in the makeup chair every morning of hours on end, but in the end you are an actor who signed up to play an alien...Suck it up buttercup.

D) I totally understand how hard it is to be not liking this show right now. The amount of people who've told me that "well, clearly it's just not made for you" after I point out a simple fact that a character is out of character is painful. Looking at twitter after each episode as everyone seems to think Filoni is creating the second coming is painful. Because it really does feel like we're watching a different show than them.

Okay, I think I covered everything. Thank you again for your kind words and your wonderful rant!!!

[littlesparklight]

Why do Patrochilles fans always seem to forget about the Trojan women and children do they not matter?

To be fair, there are probably several reasons, and, I'd guess, no matter which other reasons there might be, being uncomfortable with the violence and the cruelty is probably a big reason.

Which is neither strange nor wrong!

But - well. This is about war. War in a society where slavery is a thing and where, specifically, the captives taken are enslaved. If (general) you like an Achaean character in the Trojan war narrative, then your blorbo absolutely has traumatized an unknown number of women personally by killing members of their natal and/or potentially marital family, long before Troy falls. And are, at the very least, using them as slave labour.

And a smaller number of said captive women are serving as personal status objects, including serving in their captor's beds. (And, you clearly don't need to be one of these ~special~ slaves for this to happen either, if circumstances change, as Diomede (the woman Achilles sleeps with/next to the night of the embassy) shows.)

(The discomfort is, presumably, also part of why some people are working overtime in trying to soften and cutiefy the Odysseus-Astyanax situation with ~he saves him~ AUs or just general angst and regret in the moment and milking it afterwards. I had to see "father son duo" in connection with fucking Odysseus and Astyanax a couple days ago, and, ugh. Like, sorry, but even when Odysseus isn't the killer he seems to always come up with/champion the idea! Make your peace with it instead of having Odysseus cry as if he fucking CARES about this one child that he's advocating for murdering. (I would not really think it odd if Odysseus potentially has PTSD from this, but man, the way I've seen it used just makes me pissed off, sorry not sorry. Astyanax is basically just a prop.)

Anyway, ok.

I have no idea if TSoA is actually the most usual way for shippers to get into Patrochilles any more, but it still seems like that? And TSoA works very, very hard to soften and smooth out all and any uncomfortable bits. The Troilus incident doesn't exist, and the Achilles and Patroklos are basically running a ~women's shelter~ and not doing anything questionable with the women with their power or whatever.

If this is where you come into Patrochilles specifically and the Trojan war in general, no wonder you'd like to keep ignoring all the unpleasant bits. Which like. Fine. If they would keep to TSoA, but usually they don't.

The Hades game, too, did its work of presenting a more palatable Achilles. It is post-war, so basically nothing comes up, and the Achilles we get is unexplainedly regret- and shameful over his earlier behaviour and actions. I say unexplainedly not because I couldn't necessarily see this change, but it's not actually shown to us. We're just shown a personality that isn't actually very/at all connected to what those of us who knows the Iliad and the Odyssey have seen.

Even the Odyssey doesn't show us an Achilles who regrets anything of what he did (and he's proud of his son's achievements, even if Odysseus doesn't enumerate them in detail). What Achilles in the Odyssey regrets is being dead, specifically, and he seems rather depressed over being so.

So, again, if you come in to Patrochilles and the Hades game, it's once again easy to just... ignore stuff you don't want to touch on (even more so, since it's (long) post-war, which is undoubtedly a plus, genuinely).

The thing is, though - when you start dipping into the actual Trojan war, even just by reading, say, Achilles' wiki page, especially Troilus is right there. And making jokes (I have seen several) about "what would Achilles need Lesbian women for, Agamemnon, you idiot!!", is just... unpleasant. What are enslaved women used for, huh? Sexuality jokes have no place in this instance, just because someone might be uncomfortable and/or clinging to "Achilles is totally and only gay and doesn't fuck women".

But, tl; dr; no I don't think that, in general, most Patrochilles shippers think the Trojan (and every other woman who was enslaved during these ten years) women and the children matter. They're here for the ship.

And there is not really anything wrong with that, but the way the war (and the women, children etc) are usually dealt with (or not) in the course of that is extremely lacking because it's basically all whitewashed. (And Hektor gets used as some sort of handy ship-obstacle in any way they like to. Leave Hektor alone, damn it.)

[actuallycassidyiambusy]

You have become one of my favorite blogs. For several reasons.

Your art is fantastic.

Your writing is so good. Like really. Never stop.

You're a funny motherfucker.

But the main reason?

You don't give a SHIT.

I'll elaborate lmao

There are so many antis out there. So many petty people who feel the need to drag others for anything they don't agree with. There are Bluffy shippers that get attacked on Twitter, on here and just about anywhere else they decide to reveal themselves. They get shit on and called names for literally NOTHING. Hypocritical assholes who just can't stand when someone is happy with something they don't like. People who act like you're the antichrist for something as stupid as an age gap or something that isn't technically "canon"

I have been a target myself for some of my Bluffy art and it always upsets me. I get my shit screenshot and then I get blasted for something fictional 😕

But you? It doesn't faze you. You couldn't give a fuck less what people have to say, and I envy that so much. You dust off your shoulders and keep creating some of the best Bluffy content I've ever seen. Seriously, I love when you post and you post with zero regrets. I wish I was like you. I wish the antis didn't bother me.

I'm always showing my friends your work and several of us are currently reading your fic. Please don't ever stop creating. You may not know it, but you make me feel seen. That sounds really sappy, but it's true. A lot of people love what you do and we love your don't give a fuck attitude. It's refreshing for the people who are too shy or too afraid to post their work.

It always pisses me off when I find out someone is bullied into silence or anonymity. There is no reason to hate on something that hurts absolutely no one. No one should be afraid to post their art or share their favorite pair.

You shouldn't be afraid. There are fuckers on this site shipping people with animals for fuck's sake. People who draw monster porn, furry porn and fuck knows what else. And you're feeling scared to post a ship that has an age gap? Fuck, that just doesn't sit right with me. They're literally both adults. Didn't Damon and Stefan Salvatore flirt with a literal high school girl? The age gaps in Supernatural are wild as fuck. (And just to be clear, I'm not hating on those fandoms. I love me some vampires and demons🥴)

Not to mention the people the same fucking age as Luffy shipping themselves with Buggy? Everyone seems okay with that. It's hypocrisy at it's finest, kid.

Fandoms can be extremely toxic and I'm so sorry you got treated so horribly. My blog will always be a safe space and I will never stop posting or answering my asks. I do hope at some point, you feel confident enough to post again. Antis will never go away and they'll never stop being complete assholes. There's no reason for them to screenshot your shit and blast it. A block button is a beautiful thing. They have options, and every time, they choose to act holier than thou. There are times it does bother me. It really just pisses me off more than anything else, but it's not gonna stop me. I'm not hurting a single damn person and neither are you.

I'm flattered that you love my work so much and that you share it with whoever you can. Fuck what they say. Keep making whatever art you like and shove it down their throats. Eventually, they'll see that their behavior has no effect on you and they'll back off. And if they don't? Fuck it. Keep drawing anyway.

Idc who you are. I'm someone you can come to if you need to talk. I'll listen and let you get it all out. Life is hard enough and I'll never understand the people out there who want to make it worse. That's not me.

[hana-the-ghostieee]

hi so remember when i reblogged that gay webcomic??? yeah i've thought of an oc but i have far too many projects that i'm procrastinating on that i really shouldn't think of drawing something else (actually though i've got this very excessive Kyary Pamyu Pamyu fanart with references to past MVs, a cat based on PONPONPON, some Elmy fanart, my enby oc's character sketch, and this cat cafe concept where i drew cats based on foods people typically serve at cafes and a drawing of me and a friend that has left the country and is currently in Canada) so here imma give you some details instead

there may or may not be gore-ish kind of under the cut but also i kind of don't feel like forcing you to read a literal essay

also while i was studying today i was playing the ost of my favorite movie (which is a whisker away if you didn't know) and that may or may not influence what i thought of while creating this character in my head

so they have no name cuz i can't think of one

(she/they)

very talented at art cuz yes i am talented too (i think) but they're so freaking goooooooooooooood

the Protector™ of the queer peeps at said school

pretty much posted the entire thing (as in the romance and the notes and whatever) on this hellsite

has learnt the art of MURDER for this thing.

okay don't cross them.

they WILL LIVE TO SEE THIS QUEER COUPLE LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER. so please don't be queerphobic. unless you'd like to be sent to the ER.

anyways they practically guarded Damian and Ollie's lockers before Damian got a phone somehow don't ask

and if anyone other than Damien or Ollie touched those notes on the lockers. the ppor person would probably get dropkicked and end up being severely traumatized and get the living daylights knocked out of their being.

and because that scene in nakineko was a thing where Miyo jumps off ths school building

i thought one day she/they just randomly walks around during lunch, hanging out with friends at like the upper corridors and then suddenly??? some random dudes start being a-holes (i don't use swear words don't judge me) and then they start trash talking about them and she/they is. the most PISSED PERSON ON THE PLANET RIGHT NOW and yells at them to take it back but they ignore she/they and then she/they yells at them again and then they piss her off a bit more cuz they're queerphobic little rats or something and then she jumps off the building into a tree so SHE/THEY doesn't/don't die but ends up getting a butt ton of scratches and bleeding wounds anyways so. she/they walks up to a-hole peeps.

and in the back Damian is RUNNING and carrying Ollie (you read that correctly) and then Damian drops Ollie, half expecting him to pick himself up. um they just arrived to see the tea and im not sure if they know that she/they put their notes under high security cuz i haven't figured that out yet but sometime soon i shall

all the while she/they is suffering from blood loss and after some "WHAT DID YOU SAY???"s and "DON'T YOU DARE"s and stuff the rude peeps are just like "...let's get out of here" and of course because Damian and Ollie were part of the crowd that gathered and they were mentioned or something, um, eyes are also on them or something idk i can't describe a school fight i've never been part of one and haven't seen one yet unless my memory sucks

anyways she/they walks up to the couple and is like im sorry you had to see this :((( but i can't just let them slander you guys like this and then literally just collapses on the floor, head hitting the ground and then passes out

and while she/they is literally just lying there, bleeding out someone finally gets the sense to call an ambulance

and then flash forward to the ER where she/they is rn i guess, not sure what injuries to give them

and that is everything i can think of so far because i'm tired and probably should go to sleep but i can't otherwise i'd forget and then i'd never forgive myself for forgetting something that's related one of the most important posts here

also we need more of that wlw couple as in NEED

[fluorescentbrains]

ok genuinely I'm sorry for bringing this into your inbox but I saw your recent post about this channel & I guess I just need someone to vent to. mr ballen posted a video earlier this month about a case where the victim was a friend of mine. I have no idea if it's one you've watched recently but it has over 6 million views at this point so you might've seen it. I don't follow his channel and haven't seen any of his other videos, it's just that her case has been covered by true crime types several times over the years, I keep an eye on them even though it usually fills me with rage & other mixed emotions (one recent video got her name wrong in the title). fwiw his wasn't the worst I've seen and he plugged her father's charity at the end. I have a real distaste for true crime frankly, I guess for obvious reasons - even the folks who do it to "spread awareness" are really only rehashing the worst and final moments of someone's life, in service of feeding their own brand. then I get to see that people left comments talking about how her music sucks and her parents are bad and weak people for how they responded, a few saying she deserved to die because she was an sjw (in 2013 which was before "sjw" was even in the popular lexicon), and to top it off, several d*pp stans in the pinned comment whining that her father's charity (which is for raising awareness of male on female violence) ignores violence against men. I don't know why I'm sending this, I'm not mad at you or anything it's just a jolt every time I'm reminded. I don't want to leave a comment on the video where it will just get buried and probably piss people off.

she was a great and a WHOLE person and it's hard to describe how surreal and unsettling it is to see her story, and her parents' story, being spread with a "MATURE AUDIENCES ONLY" warning and an 'omg!' reaction thumbnail to literally millions of people, most of whom are just rubberneckers and fans of the channel mindlessly consuming crime content. you seem like a thoughtful person & I guess I'm just trying to tell someone that she was here and people knew her. she was incredibly outgoing and considerate and engaged with the world, socially conscious in a conservative small town before it was cool, genuinely a people person, she always encouraged me to come out of my shell (even though she was a year younger than me). her hair is short in most of the pictures shown in the news but I always remember it long. she was tiny and willowy but had a big personality and always seemed confident. she was a great musician & fledgling composer, every time she came over to my house she'd beeline right to our piano. she taught me how to play Ingrid Michaelson's "The Chain" and we'd sing the round part together. her singing voice at 19 is instinctive and raw and striking and I wish more people had heard it. she really was just getting started. this is a Bon Iver cover of "Skinny Love" that she did that I like to listen to sometimes (she's singing and playing the piano) -

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zLSELs5ArN4

this is another song she wrote with a friend:

https://soundcloud.com/ian-nytes-1/resonance?fbclid=IwAR3YIM6D04Vp6miUzizzVOEFcJzbfTxJz8jYsMPoTIaRIKhyqy69g5J7aUQ

i’m really sorry to hear about your friend. honestly the comments on his videos are often pretty awful and victim-blamey no matter how the story is presented in the video. people are always trying to convince themselves nothing in these stories would have happened to them because they would have been tougher or smarter. I hadn’t watched this one; i avoid his true crime videos (and most other true crime content in general) because it does leave a bad taste in my mouth. I looked into it out of curiosity after getting this ask and it is a terribly sad story; I can only imagine how hard it must have been for her family and friends.

for me, seeing someone say anything that i know is misrepresenting/misunderstanding a real thing that happened, even something i’m not that personally invested in, is really maddening and has gotten me into many a blow-out fight, so i can see how watching all of this play out would be incredibly frustrating. i think while it’s pretty normal to have a morbid fascination with scary things that have happened to other people, a lot of the people who watch these videos are just mindlessly consuming, as you say, and have no respect at all for the dead or traumatized. even if content creators try to be respectful, their audience usually isn’t. i’ve rarely seen people pull off respectful true crime content and sadly mrballen is not one of these people; he’s just too clickbaity to cultivate a respectful and restrained audience.

I listened to the music you sent. her voice is very beautiful. it is a shame more people don’t remember her for the person she was rather than the way she died.

[crymeariveronceagain]

I’m going to put this here under the assumption that you’re okay with receiving vents. If not, I’m so sorry for the misunderstanding and please ignore this ask. I hope you’re doing well either way.

(Very heavy vent below, once again do not read if you’re not comfortable. Put yourself first, please!)

Vent start: I don’t know what to do. That’s the summary of it. I just don’t know. I want to be okay and normal and healthy so much, but I just can’t. So often I hear “you’re not alone!” And “There are so many other people like you out there!” And I believe it but I just can’t seem to find them. Every person I’ve spoken to cannot relate to me, and if they can relate to me at all it’s with one of my most surface-level issues, and it just makes me feel more alone than before. I’ve been suicidal for years and years now. I have ocd, autism, adhd, sensory processing disorder, insomnia, and severe general and social anxiety along with severe depression. (These are professionally diagnosed.) I am 16 years old. I feel like I’ve been alive for centuries. I don’t think I’ve ever felt like a kid, even when I was a small child. I can’t even imagine what it feels like to be joyful because my entire life has been this endless cycle of stress and misery and there’s not a thing I can do about it. I’m not good at anything, I can barely even exist in the moment without dissociating. None of the doctors I’ve spoken to care about me, I am tearing my family apart because of what a bad state I’m in. I just want the people I care about to be happy, but I cannot even achieve that because the biggest obstacle in the way of their happiness is me.

Vent’s over now.

In other news, you are very good at writing and I admire your work, and how you are able to release it so quickly. Please take care of yourself, and I wish you well (whether or not you chose to read the vent.) <3

hoooooooooo boy that's a vent, but love, I'm glad you went somewhere with it. That's a lot. It sounds horrible to deal with. Like, every bit of what you described I would collapse instantly under. Pass out and die immediately. Just, sheer emotional crunch.

You are infinitely stronger than I am. You are far more powerful, more impressive, and amazing than i could ever be.

I'm so sorry no one can relate to you. That is one of the worst feelings. Ever. Human beings want to be recognized, seen, noticed, and understood. I believe it is also the human condition that as much as we want to be understood, no one ever perfectly does. It burns, hurts, stings. Aches.

And you're right, I can't relate to your struggles either. I wish I could. Honestly. Like, I know it's selfish, but I really wish I had more mental problems just so I could relate to people who go through this kind of thing.

As far as the suicidal thoughts go, what my advice there is: I love you. Hang on for me. The world is so much better with you in it. You might not be able to see how, but I see it. Someone's gonna read this post and think, stars, there's someone out there like me. And you, in this moment, are the hope for another person. You are hope, beloved. Keep being hope. Keep going.

Everything else, I'm sure you've heard every advice on the planet, there's not going to be much I can add to it. Like, everything you're going through? It's awful. It's hard. Nothing I say can make it better, because it... it's out of the reach of words.

Words can't make it better.

There are things words can't change. This is one of them.

But, all I can offer is that you are far stronger than I've ever been, or ever will be. You are the hope for every person dealing with what feels overwhelming. You are the strength people need to see in the world.

Because it takes a lot of strength, keeping going. It takes so much work. I know it has to.

Also, honestly, doctors piss me off <3. I hope you find better ones. You deserve better ones. People should care about you. I care about you.

And. For the record.

You are not an obstacle to anyone's happiness. That's a lie your brain is desperately trying to convince you of. But it isn't true.

People's happiness does not depend on you. You are outside of them. They control their own emotions. They are responsible for themselves. They are in charge of their own wellbeing. Joy is a choice. Happiness is an emotion, chemicals in the brain. Joy is a conscious choice. Like, seriously. There are things that people get wrong in this world, and one of them is that every emotion is just feeling. Like, Love is willing the good of the other. That's not a feeling, that's a choice. Joy is a choice to focus on what's good, to strive to just keep going.

So, darling, dearest, beloved anon.

You, my dear, are hope. You are strength. You are power. You may not feel like it. In fact, you probably feel like the opposite, most of the time.

But you give me hope. Because if you can do it, I can too.

If you are brave enough to keep on going.

Stars, the rest of us can only keep going on in awe of you.

[stardustintheabyss]

“I’ve seen you before”

Oikawa x fem!reader

Sum: Taking a deep breath, letting down your guard, getting out of your comfort zone. Opening the wall you built around your heart a long time ago.

You let Oikawa Tooru in.

But was it a mistake?

Warnings: swearing because I have no r e s t r a i n t. Insecurity, bullying. Oikawa being a dumbass. Angst and fluff. Small spoiler at the end.

Word count: A lot, it’s....it’s long. My stupid tablet doesn't have word count capabilities

A/n: this is based on a dream I had. How dare the dream gods give me oikawa and not my husbando(s) tendou(kirishima) 😩 and I write to get scenarios out of my head before they drive me insane

Well at least he's pretty

ok I 💫may💫 have fallen a little while writing this

It had been a long weekend of practice and homework for Oikawa. So what better way to zoneout and relax before bed on Sunday night then scroll through his instagram feed.

He'd been scrolling through random sunset photos when he suddenly saw your face in the 'suggested for you' section. Your picture was of you with what he assumed was your cat perched on your shoulder. It was cute. You were cute.

And you did look familiar. Yes, he has seen you before. He's seen you at school. You're always by yourself, reading a book or on your phone sitting on a bench by the front gates.

He tapped on your photo. He started looking through your posts. Landscapes, food, your cute cat, flowers, sunsets, your family. Is what you mostly posted.

Then he came across the rare selfie.

He was wrong. You weren't just cute.

You were breathtakingly beautiful.

How had he not seen that at school?

You were looking off to the side, a small shy smile on your lips. Sunlight and cherry blossom petals in your wild wind blown hair.

He saw that you were online.

He wanted to talk to you and he didn't have the patience to wait until tomorrow at school.

Hey I've seen you before. You go to Aoba Johsai right?

A message popped up on your phone. One from Aoba Johsai's resident pretty boy and captain of the volleyball club. Oikawa Tooru. What the fuck? You weren't one of his pathetic fan girls that fawned all over him. You never cared for the drama that followed the popular crowd. And in all honestly he kind of repulsed you because of the way he let his ego be stroked. You saw him as a pompous ass. You've never shown any kind of interest in the setter. So why was he messaging you of all people? But curiosity got the better of you and you wrote back. Not like he's gonna talk to you at school anyway. He's popular and you're a loner. Two different worlds.

You know that sounds creepy right? But yes.

I'm just trying to be friendly 😔

I've seen that you sit mostly by yourself and thought you could use a friend 😁

You snorted. Maybe he wasn't as bad as you thought. Still, you didn't want to be too friendly towards him.

I don't care for hs drama but thanks for your chivalry ig 🙄

At this moment your college aged sister begged you to help with one of her cosmetology classes that's due tomorrow. Eyelash extensions. You don't wear makeup but she's your sister and she's giving you puppy dog eyes. You sighed, "Fine." Forgetting to exit out of your messages, you set your phone down, ready to be put through hell.

"Thanks sis! Okay I just need you to lay down and relax." While she got to work the messages on your phone went unnoticed by you.

I'm sorry I didn't mean it like that, promise 😅

Y/l/n?

You there?

I'm REALLY sorry!

It's rude to leave people on read yk

Please ?

Y/l/n-chan?

Oikawa was panicking. He didn't mean to piss you off...and now he might have lost his chance to be your friend...or more maybe?

Trying to face time couldn't hurt right?

It just rang. And rang. And rang.

You didn't pick up.

Please. Y/n I'm truly sorry. Sometimes my mouth gets the better of me and I don't think about what I say. I just meant I'd like to be your friend. If you'd let me?

"All finished, babe." Your sister said. "You're looking gorgeous! If I do say so myself." She took a quick after picture for her class.

You grimaced. You never thought of yourself as pretty let alone gorgeous. "Thanks, I guess. Not one to toot your own horn, huh?"

She just rolled her eyes. " Your phone has been pinging like crazy by the way." Wiggling her eyebrows, "Talking to a boy? My baby sis, all grown up."

"W-what?" You stuttered, picking up your phone. 8 messages and 1 face time call. All from the setter captain. It must be your imagination because in the last message he sounded...flustered? You didn't notice the soft smile that graced your lips. But your annoying sister did.

"Oikawa. Isn't he some volleyball big shot at your school? Y/n, is that a smile I see?" She grinned from over your shoulder, seeing the messages.

"I-. Yes. He is." Furrowing your brows. Denying the truth, "And no, I am not smiling."

"Mmhm. Sooo you going to have a new 'friend' or what."

Your self consciencesness got the better of you. "Why would he want to be my friend? He's him and I'm...me." You bit your lip.

"You idiot. You really don't give yourself enough credit. Your smart, have a kind heart and you are beautiful. You just don't let yourself see it. Let someone in." She whispered in your ear giving you a hug.

You sighed. You believed that your sister believed in what she was saying...but years of middle school bullying ingrained into your heart and mind don't disappear overnight. "I'm tired. I'm gonna go to bed. 'Night sis."

"Good night y/n."

Getting ready for bed you looked in the mirror. You had a tiny smile, your sister was right, the lashes did look great.

It was late but right before you drifted off to sleep you sent Oikawa a message.

Sorry. I'm not mad, I was helping my sister with something...

Taking a deep breath, letting down your guard, getting out of your comfort zone.

Opening the wall you built around your heart a long time ago.

You let Oikawa Tooru in.

...I wouldn't mind having a friend

The next day

He woke up to two new messages from you. He had tried staying up, waiting for a reply back but he must have fallen asleep. His phone still in his hand.

Sorry. I'm not mad, I was helping my sister with something...

...I wouldn't mind having a friend.

A wide sleepy smile came across his face. Just about the time he was going to dm you his phone died. Where's my damn charger? He started rifling through everything, turning his room upside down. The last place he had it was...the locker room.

"Dammit!" He would just have to see you at school. He quickly got ready to go meet Iwa-chan and walk to school.

You weren't necessarily disappointed that Oikawa hadn't replied yet. Even though you had lowered your walls, you set the bar pretty low on expectations. Especially on a friendship with him. But that didn't stop you from being a little excited to see him. You were sitting in your favorite spot at school, reading. Same thing you did every day. It was on a small stone bench in the shade of a cherry tree near the entrance. Abruptly you heard a chorus of squealing. You've learned throughout high school this meant Oikawa had stepped on campus, Iwaizumi reluctantly in tow.

You smiled and waved.

He didn't see. But you didn't know that. 

You thought he was ignoring you. Your smile faded. Last night must have been some prank. It wouldn't have been the first time someone decided it would be funny to play with you like a toy. You never should have listened to your sister and let your guard down.

Tears started to prick your eyes. You shut them tightly, willing them to not fall.

You were not going to cry over Oikawa fucking Tooru.

You grabbed you bag and headed to your classroom.

He had seen you get off the bench and walk towards the building. He tried making his way to you but there was just too many girls blocking him. Letting out a frustrated breath he waved his hand and yelled, "Y/l/n-chan!"

You didn't hear him.

Upset he couldn't get to you he said the only thing he could think of to get all these girls to back off for once. "I have a girlfriend, so could you please respect that." He didn't see the crazy girls make a connection between what he said about having a girlfriend and yelling your name.

He didn't realize he just put a target on your back.

At lunch

You were spinning the dial to your locker getting your lunch when you were shoved against it. You turned around and was met with several angry looking girls. Eyes darting between them. Your fight or flight instincts kicking in.

But nobody ever mentions the third option, which is what happened.

You froze.

"This is her?" Some girl sneered.

What were they talking about? You'd never done anything to these girls. You'd always kept to yourself, ensuring a situation like this wouldn't happen.

"She's not even pretty." Said another taking a sip from her juice carton.

"I bet it's just some joke. He wouldn't be with some fat worthless nobody." The girl who seemed to be the leader said as she pushed you to the ground.

Ignoring the tears starting to run down your cheeks and swallowing the lump forming in your throat, "What are you talking about?"

"Wow, Oikawa has himself a stupid girlfriend." said the leader.

"G-girlfriend?" Ok. Now you really had no clue what the fuck they were talking about.

"Stay the hell away from him. He's mine." With that she dumped the remains of the other girls juice carton on you and they walked away laughing.

Holditin.Holditin.Holditin. You chanted inside your head until you made it to the bathroom where you could cry without being bothered. You had stayed off the radar for years and now you were in the middle of it. You let out a sob, sliding to the floor. You felt like you were right back in middle school. Useless. Fat. Ugly. You brought your knees to your chest. Unloveable. Unwanted. Not worth anybody’s time. That’s why you shut everyone out when you became a first year at Seijoh. You didn’t want a repeat of middle school. 

But it ended up happening anyway. 

So you cried. You cried until you had no more tears. You let it all out until you didn’t care anymore. You had no problem in obeying the threat staying away from the bastard. She could have him. You stood and splashed water on your face trying to ease the puffiness around your eyes. Sighing you realized you'd probably have to stay after school until you looked like you hadn't spent your entire lunch break crying or your sister would ask questions. The now pink stained shirt you could explain away easily. The red and puffy eyes you could not. And you didn't want to deal with that on top of everything else. 

Oikawa had looked for you at lunch but he couldn't find you. He did however hear some girls laughing and chatting about messing with ‘Oikawa’s girlfriend’. How could they mess with someone he made up? He turned to his best friend to ask. “Iwa-chan do you know what those girls were talking about?” he whispered so no one would hear, “How could they have messed with my ‘girlfriend’ when I made her up?”

“Idiot. Remember this morning when you called Y/l/n’s name and then immediately after said you had a girlfriend? And don't call me Iwa-chan, Shittykawa.” He rolled his eyes.

He blanched. He hadn’t realized what he'd done. Or apparently how psycho those girls are. He was so focused on you he didn't even whine about Iwaizumi’s regular insults. He wanted to find you and see if you were okay. To apologize for putting you in that situation. Standing abruptly making his chair screech, “I got to go find her--” The bell signaled lunch was over. Fuck. Maybe she’ll be on that bench after school. I’ve seen her there after practice sometimes.

After school

And by some miracle you were there, reading your book. Oikawa took a minute to look at you before he approached. As in your picture your hair was wild but not unkept, it was hiding your eyes. Your lips were slightly pursed while you were reading and your leg was bouncing contentedly.  

You were beautiful.

You looked okay.

Until he got closer and finally saw your eyes. You had obviously been crying. By the looks of it a lot. He also saw you had a huge pink stain on your shirt. What had happened?

You had heard someone approach but decided it was best to ignore them.

“Are you okay Y/l/n-chan?” Oikawa spoke softly.

You were so not in the mood for this. For him. Your hands tightened around your book, flicking your eyes up at him and then back down, “Don’t.” 

It was only a second but he saw the hurt in your eyes and it was his fault it was there, “I wanted to-” He tried to say but you didn’t let him finish.

Your voice was raw with emotions you didn’t want to feel for him. “WHAT?! You what? Wanted to play with my feelings some more? I bet you had a good laugh last night saying all that shit. And then completely ignoring me this morning when I waved. Making me feel like I could actually have a friend for once?” Your voice got louder and he flinched at your next words. “That someone would even want to be my friend? I fucking knew I shouldn't have but I let you in anyway.” You let out a dark broken laugh and said much quieter, “Even after what happened last time.” Coldly, “Don’t you have a harem to get back to? Just...just leave me alone Oikawa.”

His mouth dropped in shock. He hadn’t seen you wave. What did you mean by last time? He was heartbroken that someone had made you feel this horrible about yourself and he had reminded you of it. He didn’t want to leave you alone, he had to make you understand you were special. He laid his hand on your book trying to make you pay attention. He said the only thing he thought would make you listen. “Tooru.”

You stiffened, nobody calls him by his first name. You've never even heard his best friend call him Tooru. Your voice barely above a whisper, heart stuttering, “What did you say?”

“Tooru. You can call me Tooru. I-I was happy this morning when I woke up when I saw your messages. But my phone died before I could say anything.” He cleared his throat, “ I fell asleep waiting. I was going to talk to you but then that stupid crowd of girls came. Y/l/n I swear I didn’t see you wave! I tried calling for you but you must not have heard me," he frowned, "and I was frustrated so to get them to back off I said I had a girlfriend. I tried looking for you during lunch period but I couldn't find you. Then I heard what those girls did. I’m sorry I put that target on you. I was going to try looking for you again but then the bell rang. This spot after school was my last hope. Well for now anyway, until I got my phone charged.” He rushed out, praying you would forgive him. 

“That’s what they were talking about...” 

“What were they saying? If you don’t mind talking about it.” Gingerly he laid his hand on yours, holding it.

During his speech you had unconsciously torn your walls down yet again. You heard the sincerity in his voice and saw the concern in his eyes. This was real. He did care. Fuck. Somewhere between last night and this morning you had developed feelings, you just hadn't wanted to believe you weren't immune to his charms. Why did it have to be him. You swallowed, “They basically said I was worthless and wasn’t pretty enough for you. They also shoved me against my locker and onto the floor.” Taking a deep breath you revealed the most humiliating part of the whole thing, “Their leader dumped juice on me.” You looked away not wanting him to see the tears starting to run down your cheeks and you didn't want to see the pity you were sure to receive in his eyes. 

“Hey.” He gently turned your face with a palm on each cheek. Wiping your tears away with his thumbs. “You are not worthless. And those girls are just jealous because your the most beautiful girl at Seijoh. I’m sorry they said and did those things to you. It was my fault and I want to make it up to you if you’ll let me.”

You searched his face, surely he was lying to make you feel better? But you only found the truth in his warm brown eyes. Oikawa may be an ass but he does not lie. “Okay...Tooru.” 

His heart fluttered when you spoke his name. Little did he know that yours did too when he asked you to call him that.

“Come on, lets go.” He smiled pulling you up. “I got something you can change into so you don’t have to wear that home.” He pointed to your ruined shirt.

You and him walked over to the gym. He had never let your hand go from pulling you up and you didn’t mind. You halted at the entry way dropping his hand. He was going to lead you in but, “Tooru, I can't. Only players and managers can go in the gym during practice time.”

He snorted, “Iwa-chan made that rule so the uh” he coughed, “students wouldn't bother us.” Taking your hand he pulled you in after him. 

Your face was blushing like mad from the looks you were getting from his teammates. Nobody questioned their captain though. 

“Please wait here while I change and grab you something.” He left you at the bleachers. 

Iwaizumi walked over to where you were sitting. Before he could say anything you spoke. “I’m sorry. I know I’m not allowed in here but he drug me in and said he was going to get me something to change into." You plucked at your still sticky shirt. "I-I'll leave when Tooru comes back.” You found it easy for Tooru's name to roll of your tongue. 

The usually intimidating looking ace smirked and raised an eyebrow, “Tooru, huh? We don't let students in during practice because they follow Oikawa in. He brought you in here. So you can stay if you want.”

You let out a surprised, “Oh.” 

“You know he couldn't stop talking about you on the way to school this morning? About how he saw this and I quote ‘breathtakingly beautiful’ photo of you on instagram. He kept talking about your hair with cherry blossom petals in it and your shy smile.” 

Your face was on fire. You knew the exact photo he was talking about. How far back did he scroll, it was buried under a ton of pictures.

“He was also worried about you the rest of the day after lunch. He was pretty upset, he even threatened to cancel practice if he didn’t find you on your bench.”

“Iwa-channnn!” Oikawa whined. “Friends keep secrets.” He didn’t look mad but his face was a light shade of pink. Was he...embarrassed?

“Ew. I’m not your friend Shittykawa.” Iwaizumi replied walking away. You laughed quietly, his tone said otherwise.

Except it wasn't just any shirt, it was his jersey. “I can’t wear this! Only couples do that!”

“You're right! You're my best friend!” Tooru called back.

He was met with a middle finger and a "Shut it, Tooru."

 “Anyways here. You can change in the girls locker room over there.” He handed you one of his shirts and pointed to the room.

He shrugged his shoulders. “Well I did inadvertently call you my girlfriend. You wouldn't want to make me a liar now would you Y/l/n-chan?” He pouted.

“N-no, but I'm not your girlfriend?” You remembered the things Iwaizumi told you, your face deepening to a scarlet shade.

He took a step closer. You could smell his scent. He smelled like oranges, cloves and...clean sweat? Of course he could make sweat smell intoxicating. It was making your brain hazy. You almost missed what he said. “Do you? Want to be I mean.” The look he was giving you was so genuine and...sweet.

This was too much too fast, but your mouth and heart didn't care apparently what you thought. “I-.” You breathed. “Yes.”

His face lit up, taking one of your hands into his. “We’ll talk more after practice, yeah?” 

All you could do is nod. Squeezing your hand as he left to go start practice you went to go change your shirt. It was long on you. Almost falling to the same spot your uniform skirt stopped. You rolled it up a little and tucked it in. That was better.

After changing you returned to your spot on the bleachers. You'd been to games before. It was practically an unsaid rule that all students were required to go. But you really never paid attention, usually doing anything but watching to kill time.

This time you paid attention. Tooru was remarkable. You could see why he was captain and how he got the nickname 'the great king'. You were so entrapped by the teams flow you didn't notice the hours fly by.

Tooru came back over to you, asking somewhat nervously, "So what did you think?" He didn't know why it felt so important to get praise from you. He just knew he wanted you to be proud of him.

Your smile was open and you had stars in your eyes, "You were amazing!" Dipping your toe at being flirty, you winked, "l'll have to pay better attention at the next game."

His heart leapt. You said he was amazing. "Thank you, that means so much coming from you." The second part finally clicked, "Hey wait! What do you mean you'll have to pay better attention at the next game?" He teased.

Sheepishly, "I never uh...actively watched a game before."

"That hurts Y/l/n-chan. Just you wait until the next game." He smiled, "So can I walk you home? It's late and you shouldn't walk by yourself."

"Sure. I don't live far though." You returned his smile.

After he went and changed out of his practice clothes he outstretched his hand for you to take, interlacing your fingers with his. When you got to the gates he asked which way. You pulled him to the left. You curious about earlier.

"So about what Iwaizumi said..." You left the question hanging in the air.

"He was telling the truth." He said it so simply, like he just didn't turn your world upside-down.

"Oh." Was all you could manage with all the butterflies in your stomach. Before you knew it you were in front of your house. "This is me." You turned to face him.

"Really? Iwa-chan and I live one street over."

"You're joking." He had to be. 

"Nope, cross my heart." More seriously "Do you want to walk to school with us maybe?"

"I'd like that, Tooru." Shyly you peeked up at him through your lashes.

"Hey, I noticed before." He traced a thumb over your cheekbone, brushing against your fluttering eyelashes. "Your eyes look different some how?"

You let out a small chuckle, "Eye lash extensions. That's what I was helping my sister with last night. She's in a cosmetology class."

He leaned down, getting very close. "They suit you Y/l/n-chan."

Clearing your throat. "Um, thanks." A beat later, "Call me Y/n."

His eyes softened. "Can I kiss you, Y/n?"

Your breath caught. "Y-yes."

He closed the distance between the two of you. Your eyes shutting and heart thumping wildly with anticipation.

You did not expect the feather light touch of his lips ghosting over yours. You did not expect such a tender kiss from the popular setter captain.

At first your lips only brushed against each others. Testing. Until you couldn't stand it any longer. He had lit a fire inside. You leaned in closer, needing more. Pressing your lips against his and moving one hand onto the back of his neck and the other onto his shoulder pulling him closer. He took this queue to hold your waist. As you kissed time stood still. You couldn't tell if the fire inside was tearing you apart or if he was holding you together. There was just you and him, the world had long ago faded away.

He was surprised you took control of the kiss but was glad you did. He didn't want to push you after everything you'd been through. And honestly he could barely think straight. Could barely breathe. Your lips were so soft and they tasted like honey. He didn't want it to end, he would have happily drowned surrounded by air if it meant he could kiss you.

But you pulled away breathless and eyes bright. You leaned into the comfort of his arms.

 That was your first kiss.

"I'll be waiting here tomorrow Y/n." He pressed his lips to the crown of your head.

"Alright." You looked up at him. "Message me when you get home 'kay?"

"Will do, my queen." The name sent tingles down your spine. Once again putting his lips to yours. "Good night."

"'Night Tooru." You slipped out of his embrace and before you made your way inside, you gave him one last wave goodbye. Dazed you shut the door behind you with your back and brought your fingers to your smiling lips.

"'Friends' huh? Lot different in my day." Your sister said from the couch, her eyes catching on his jersey.

Still grinning like a fool, "Shut up." You headed upstairs to start on your homework. About ten minutes later you received a text. Smiling you opened it.

Made it home safe and sound. And now I'm going to sleep so I can dream of you 😘

Who knew 'the great king' was such a goofball.

Sweet dreams then, goofball

They will be because you'll be in them ❤

Rude, my queen, rude

Good night Tooru ❤

But that’s why you like me 

Rolling your eyes, you grinned.

The next morning he was right where he said he would be. Waiting for you. Iwaizumi with him of course. “Morning Iwaizumi.”

“Good morning Y/l/n.” Iwaizumi greeted.

 You said taking your boyfriends hand. “Morning Tooru.” You were feeling confident this morning so you tugged him down a little so you could reach his face, pecking him on the lips.

His eyes widened. He definitely didn't expect that, not that he was complaining. “G-good morning Y/n.” A rosy hue dusting his cheeks.

You giggled at his reaction. 

“I guess the right girl turns you into a flustered mess.” Iwaizumi joked.

"I make you a flustered mess huh? I wouldn’t mind taking advantage of that.” You nudged him playfully as you all started to make your way to school.

“No fair. I won’t allow you and Iwa ganging up on me!” He tilted his head towards your ear, whispering for only you to hear. “Besides, my queen, I give as good as I get.”

You choked. And he didn't miss the red on your face. Oh boy. If he kept up with that name you were going to become a puddle. Clearing your throat awkwardly, “Ah look, we’re here!”

Unfortunately you were met with his swarm of ‘fans’. At the head of it all were the bitches that made you feel like shit. Tooru felt you hesitate and gave your hand a reassuring squeeze and looked at you with such adoration in his eyes. That was all you needed. You were going to show these girls you weren’t afraid of them. You hoped he wouldn't mind your sudden boldness.

Turning towards him and standing on your tippy toes you grabbed the back of his neck and crashed your lips against his. This kiss was much deeper than the one you shared last night. You'd even go so far to say passionate. Last night was tentative, figuring each other out. This kiss you poured in all your feelings, all of your heart and soul. Pulling away slightly, resting your forehead against his and playing with the hair near where your hand rested on his neck, “Um, sorry if that was too much.”

You turned to face the mostly shocked crowd. The only angry one was the leader girl. Remembering what she said yesterday, “I’m his.” He wasn’t some possession to own. But you were free to give your heart to him, if he wanted it. Really you didn’t expect him to say anything during this exchange but he did. 

God, you were perfect he thought. With a stupid smile on his face, “N-no don’t be sorry. Not at all.” 

It made your heart catch in your throat.

“And I’m hers.” The girls mouth dropped open. “Come on. Let’s go, my queen.” he said pressing his lips to your knuckles, sending a shiver up your back.

“Tooru!” You squeaked. That damn pet name. You knew no matter how many times he said it, it would still make you weak in the knees and make your heart leap. And he fucking knew it. You walked hand in hand to your spot under the cherry tree. “Don’t call me that when a bunch of people are around...”

“Why not? It’s true. And you like it.” He gave you a cheeky look. “Besides that passionate kiss you gave me was pretty public.”

A blush creeping up your neck, “I-shut up.”

Chuckling he brought you into a hug, “Whatever you wish, my queen.”

Epilogue 

As the months passed you and Tooru grew closer together and his ‘fan club’ realized you weren't going anywhere. Sure some still tried to bring you down but over the months you had gained some confidence in yourself. You weren't as insecure but when you fell Tooru was there to help you pick yourself back up. You had also become good friends with the volleyball guys, especially Iwa. You had a special bond over teasing your boyfriend. Even though you both teased him relentlessly he was happy two of his favorite people got along so well. In fact he had asked if you had wanted to officially become a manager. You practically were now anyway he said so why not make it official. Of course you agreed. 

It was only your third game as a manager when they lost to Karasuno. You knew how bad he wanted to go to nationals. It was his dream and this was his last chance. He was sitting on the floor outside the gym, head hung low in devastation. You knew words were not what he wanted to hear right now. He just needed you to be there for him. You sat down next to him, waiting. He gently pulled you onto his lap, burying his head in the crook of your shoulder. Holding you closely. He was silent but you felt his warm tears fall on your skin. You held him and hummed a slow melody quietly in his ear. After awhile he kissed your temple.

“Thank you.” He whispered. He was ready talk.

“I’m here for you, always. You’re my king, win or lose. And I am so so proud of you.” A small smile lifted one side of his mouth.

 You were going to tell him something important today. No matter what happened. Maybe he needed to hear it especially because of what happened. You took a deep breath and kissed his forehead briefly. One hand on his cheek and looking into his still tear stained eyes. 

“I know the world has greater things than nationals waiting for you. You may not feel like it now but believe me when I say it. You are so much more than what you think you are and....and that’s why I love you, Tooru.”

He searched your face looking for pity or disappointment but all he found was love. For weeks those three words had been just under the surface, waiting to be spoken into existence, always on the tip of his tongue at the end of every conversation with you or even when he would see you do small simple things. Hearing the love in your voice and the feeling of you mend his shattered heart about nationals they finally broke free.

 “I love you too, Y/n.”

He might have been your first kiss but you were his first love and he wanted you to be his last.

He gently ran his thumb against your bottom lip.

And he kissed you with everything he had, like it would be his last.

But.

There was many more to come...

[imaginejamesandsirius]

this is like, a super weird idea i've have had in my head for a long time: So, trans Sirius and James are both famous singers (they are together) and Sirius is outed as trans, maybe someone posts and old picture or his dead name, and James is the best boyfriend ever comforting him:) (sorry if i had mistakes, English it's my second lenguage)

((A/N: Warning for forced outing and some mild transphobia- aka people see old pictures of Sirius and assume he’s a woman))

Sirius had made a career out of being a bloke that dressed feminine at times. Technically, he'd made a career out of singing, but more people talked about his outfits, his makeup, and his hair, than his songs. Which was fine by him. He wrote all of his own lyrics, but it's not like he thought they were anything groundbreaking. He'd done three albums so far, and each of them had a single, poetic song that was basically a love letter to James. The rest of the songs on the albums were pop. Maybe pop rock, if the reviewer wanted to be generous. Incidentally, his poetic songs were always the least popular ones, but again, it didn't really bother him. He was a pop artist. He was successful at it in large part because people thought he was gorgeous. It was a nice stroke to his ego, which he always appreciated. 

James had made a career out of actually being a good singer and songwriter, which Sirius thought was hilarious. They were quite a pair. Every time a fan discovered that they were married, they expressed shock at how different their styles were-- usually followed by wondering how the hell they were together; Sirius didn't understand how different musical styles were supposed to make them incompatible life partners, but he thought that was pretty funny too. 

"I don't want to go on tour again," Sirius said with a frown-- not that Benjy could see it. The beauty of phone calls was also the biggest drawback: Benjy couldn't see what Sirius looked like. It meant that he could stay in his pants while talking, but it also meant that Benjy couldn't see his expression and react accordingly. 

"I know you said that, but-" 

"But nothing, Benjy. I've got a husband that I do like seeing every once in a while, and I can start on the next album like you wanted." 

"It's an over exaggeration to say that you starting on the next album is what I want," Benjy, Sirius's manager said. "I offered it as an alternative to going on tour." 

"And I've accepted, so what's the problem?" 

Benjy sighed. "Nothing, I guess. Tell James hullo for me." 

"Will do. And thanks." Sirius knew that he was a pain sometimes, but whenever he was too nice to Benjy, he never ended up getting what he wanted. He once hadn't seen James in person for three consecutive days for a year and a half because he had kept telling Benjy that it wasn't the end of the world if he stayed on the road. 

"Uh-huh. I know it's your time off, but keep in touch, yeah?" 

"Yep. Bye." 

Benjy echoed, "Bye," and they both hung up. 

"Hey sweetheart," James said, putting an arm around Sirius's waist and pressing a lingering kiss to his cheek. 

"You're cuddly," Sirius noted. 

He hummed, not denying it. "Just love you is all." 

"Aw, you love me? How embarrassing." 

"I've always been in love with you, and not once in my life has it embarrassed me." 

Sirius flushed a light pink but pretended like he hadn't. James saw it anyways but kept his mouth shut. There had been times where Sirius didn't like himself in the slightest, but James had always liked him. Every inch. When he had his dysphoric days, James loved him just the same; it helped. 

*

James was plucking tunelessly at his guitar as he frowned at his music notebook, and Sirius was laying on the ground with his feet propped up on the armchair in front of him. Ah yes, the glamorous lifestyle of popular musicians. 

Sirius was having a pretty good time of it. Doing nothing was quite a bit of fun. It was one of the only things he really missed from their school days. Even on his days off, where he purposefully sat around doing nothing, it felt like he had been run ragged. Sirius loved his life, and he liked performing, but a part of him couldn't wait for the day when he got to retire. They'd be able to sit around like this all day, every day. 

It was as he was having that thought that his life decided to take a dip. His phone was sitting on the coffee table, and it buzzed several times in quick succession from new messages. "Can you kick me my phone?" Sirius asked, not wanting to get up to see if it was important. 

James paused playing, then did as Sirius asked and kicked it off the end where it landed near Sirius. 

He picked it up and unlocked it, then frowned. "What's Benjy texting me for?" 

"Well, he's your manager. I'm sure he has lots of reasons." 

Don't panic. 

Well that was comforting. 

I'll take care of it.

People might say some shite, but your #1 defence is to just not look at it. 

Sirius itched to get on twitter and see what he was talking about, but to date, Benjy hadn't given him bad advice. If he said that Sirius didn't want to see it, then it was probably true. Still, he needed to know what the hell he was talking about. 

What's going on?, he texted back. 

Someone found an old photo of you and James at school. 

Oh. Sirius swallowed. If it was from Hogwarts, then Sirius hadn't come out, and he sure as hell hadn't transitioned yet. James was back to plucking at the guitar strings, evidently coming to the conclusion that if Sirius hadn't told him what it was about, then it wasn't important. It's not like Sirius was going to keep it from him, but he wanted to know what was going on, and James would tell him not to bother with it. He'd tell James what was going on-- as soon as he figured it out himself. 

You're gonna get pissed at me for looking, aren't you? 

DON'T. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD SIRIUS DO NOOOOOT. 

Sirius read the text and didn't reply. He wasn't going to look at all the comments-- really, he wasn't. He just wanted to know how this had started. 

It wasn't hard to find. 

Some fan of James's was attending Hogwarts and had recognised him in an old photograph. They'd snapped a picture on their phone and uploaded it. Guys, teenaged James Potter!!! I guess that's his girlfriend before he got married :P Sirius had hair down to his shoulders now, but back then, he hadn't cut it once and in the picture, it was in two low pigtails. He'd had to wear the girl's uniform back then, which meant a pleated skirt and a blazer in red instead of trousers and a yellow blazer like the boys had gotten. He'd hated that uniform. He'd gotten more detentions for wearing the wrong uniform than he had anything else, which was sort of amazing considering how often he'd acted out in other ways. 

Someone else had said that the girl in the picture looked an awful lot like James's husband. 

Someone new put that picture side by side with one of Sirius's current ones. Dude, does @siriusblackpotter have a twin sister or smthn?? He has mentioned "family issues" before... 

It went from there to someone unearthing the names listed for the original picture, to someone pointing out that he never took his shirt off for photoshoots, to someone finding both records of him changing his name. That shite was on public record. The only reason he'd gotten away with it up until now was that no one had thought to look for the first one. 

Sirius exited out of twitter and crawled over to James's chair, leaving his phone where he'd been sat before. 

James stopped playing, peering at him curiously. "You alright, love?" 

"Mph." 

"Benjy trying to get you on tour again?" 

"Nah." 

James threaded his fingers through Sirius's hair, scratching lightly at his scalp. "Then what's up?" 

"Someone found an old picture of us in Hogwarts." 

There was the briefest pause in James's hand before he resumed. "All over social media?" 

"Yeah." 

"What did Benjy say? That was Benjy texting you, right?" 

"Yeah. He said he'd come up with a statement or summat, and I should just wait it out." 

"Good advice," James said mildly. 

"You disagree?" Sirius asked, tilting his head back to look at him. 

James gave a small shrug. "I dunno. I'm sure from a PR point of view, that's the smart thing to do." 

"But?" 

"But all I want to do is... I dunno. Something mushy. Let everyone know I love you." 

"Pretty sure they already know that. I think the marriage might've tipped them off." 

"Might've," James agreed with a small smile. With the hand still holding the guitar, he held it off to the side and leaned forward to kiss him. They kept it short since it was an awkward angle, and if James tried to stay that way for very long, he'd probably fall off the chair entirely. It did Sirius a world of good to feel it, brief as it was. Feel him. He leaned back in the chair again, but he kept the guitar away. Evidently, the time for figuring out a new chorus line was done for the moment. 

"I love you," Sirius said. He knew that James knew that. But he liked saying it, and he knew for a fact that James liked hearing it. 

James's eyes lit up like Sirius had given him the world-- just like he did every time Sirius said it. "I love you too. You want to do something fun?" 

"Fun how?" 

"Eh, dealer's choice. We could watch a horror movie and eat ice cream." 

"I hope you realise the only part of horror movies I like is the part where I cuddle up to you." 

"Liar," James said with a grin. "You also like the blood sprays." 

"I just think they're funny is all," Sirius said. 

"Thinking it's funny counts as liking it." 

"Hm, disagree." 

James rolled his eyes. "Does that mean we're on for a horror movie?" 

"Absolutely." 

[mellometal]

Hey, everyone.

If you saw the post from earlier, I had to delete it. There were things I forgot to discuss and things that didn't get saved into my drafts. Sorry if you have to see this again.

I've been WAITING to talk about Glee. Not in the good way either. There's so much wrong with the show, and it's sickening. Yes, I've watched the show last year. Against my will, but that's because of other people refusing to put on anything else besides Glee. I can say that I hate Glee with my entire being. (My initial reason for hating it was because they covered "SING" by My Chemical Romance and turned it into a slow, patriotic song when it's a song about rebellion. NOTHING about "SING" is patriotic. I hated the show since I first heard about it...for that very reason. I was like thirteen or so at the time when I first heard about Glee? Despite it being out since 2009.

Though it's been over for several years now, it's a show that many people have mixed feelings about. From what I've seen, you either love Glee or you absolutely hate it. There's no in-between that I've seen. (If you can't already tell, I hate the show.)

The show is a literal dumpster fire, the characters are all fucking awful people and all of them are poorly written, the script pisses me off, it literally makes me feel disgusting, and don't even get me started on the covers. Most of the covers aren't that good. A lot of them sound like nails on a chalkboard to me. The pacing of the show makes NO sense in certain areas (like when Blaine was initially made to be a grade above Kurt, but was then changed to be like the same grade as him so he'd stay). It just feels like everyone in the show is either a Mary Sue, a Gary Stu, their whole personality is just that they're from a minority group or they're EDGY AND HARDCORE DELINQUENTS BLEEEEHHHHH, creepy as fuck, bigoted as all hell, or they're just background characters who occasionally have the spotlight.

TW: The following post and any other posts that I'll make about this show contains subject matter that may be triggering for some audiences. It will go into subjects like racism, homophobia, ableism, outing of a person in the LGBT community, bigotry in general, statutory r@pe (between teachers and students), teachers being creepy towards students, mentioned past child m0l3stati0n and invalidation of the victim's trauma, making fun of su1c1d3, making fun of overdose, making fun of drug addiction....a lot of fucked up things.

If anything mentioned above is triggering for you, please feel free to scroll and consume safe media instead. I'd rather have you be safe than to be triggered by anything I'm gonna talk about.

Let's start off easy. The characters. It's easy to tear them apart. At least the most problematic ones.

Rachel, the Main Character™️, is textbook definition of a Mary Sue. Instead of calling her Rachel, I'm gonna call her Mary Sue for the whole post. She's almost completely perfect (like too perfect), her flaws are minor if anything, she gets all the special treatment....you get the picture. When Mary Sue does anything fucked up or she says anything fucked up, it either goes unnoticed, people make up excuses for her being a shitty person, or it gets twisted so it looks like Mary Sue is the hero! (I hate her. So much. I cannot stand her.)

Aaawwww, Mary Sue didn't want some OTHER GIRL (Sunshine) to steal HER spotlight, so she SENT THIS GIRL TO A CRACK HOUSE. A FUCKING CRACK HOUSE, OF ALL PLACES. A PLACE WHERE THIS GIRL COULD HAVE BEEN PUT IN SERIOUS DANGER. THIS GIRL COULD HAVE BEEN SERIOUSLY INJURED AT BEST AND KILLED AT WORST. Yes, I'm aware not all drug houses are the same, but still. It doesn't matter what this girl did. What Sunshine did is irrelevant. It's not okay to send people to strange places where they don't know anyone, and are put in danger, even to the point of either getting injured or killed. But it's okay, because at least it's not an "active" crack house you sent Sunshine to, RIGHT, Mary Sue? You still sent some poor girl to a place where she could have been put in serious danger, even to possibly get injured or killed, all because you didn't want her to steal YOUR spotlight. You fucking disgusting, entitled, bratty cunt. You don't need the spotlight all the time anyway. THAT'S HOW THEATRE WORKS. YOU DON'T ALWAYS GET THE LEAD ROLE. YOU DON'T ALWAYS GET THE ROLE YOU WANT. AND THAT'S OKAY. YOU WORK WITH WHAT YOU GOT. Sincerely, a theatre kid.

There are other fucked up things Mary Sue has done, but this is the one thing I could find anyone talking about. If I remember correctly, she hurt her Gay Best Friend™️ Kurt in some way. All I remember is that Kurt was mad at Mary Sue about something. Mary Sue is annoying as fuck. What else can I say about her?

Next, we have Finn, who's textbook definition of a Gary Stu. I'll call him Gary Stu throughout this post. I hate this fucker too. He's the Main Character's Boyfriend™️, the Hot Quarterback™️, and The Good Guy™️. Yet....he's not a good person. He's treated like he's a good person, but he's really not. His flaws are fairly minor and excused (and any major flaws aren't even talked about much), he's almost completely perfect, and every fucked up thing he does is ignored or is justified in some way. Like how he outed Santana as lesbian in the hallway WITHIN EARSHOT OF EVERYONE. HE DIDN'T EVEN APOLOGIZE FOR THIS.

As a woman who has struggled with her sexuality growing up, this really brought back shit I went through. I "dated" boys when I was younger to cover up the fact that I'm only attracted to other women. I wasn't happy with these guys at all. I acted like I did so nobody would suspect anything. I felt nothing for them, except for in a platonic way. I've been outed twice. Once when I thought I was bisexual with a strong preference for other women (by my dad's girlfriend at the time), and when I came out as lesbian (by my brother). It sucks to be outed. The people who outed me in real life could have put me in danger. They could have made it so I had no place to go back to. They could have had me get hurt. It's a scary feeling. Like, it doesn't matter if you're supportive or if you're in the LGBT community. You don't fucking out people without their explicit permission. You especially don't out people to their abusers or to people they don't trust, let alone out them publicly. That's what happened to me. I don't wish this on anyone.

***By the way, for anyone who's closeted, you're valid, I love you, and I know how it feels to be stuck in the closet. You don't have to come out right now. Come out whenever you're ready to. Whenever it's safe for you to do so.***

Or how about the fact that Gary Stu made fun of Kurt's voice because he's gay? Gary Stu apparently has ✨anger issues✨ and that's pretty much the excuse they use to justify him doing fucked up shit to people.

They treat the characters who are from minority groups (i.e., BIPOC, AAPI, LGBT community, disabled people) like absolute garbage, put them through all this horrific shit, or they put them on a pedestal simply for being in a minority group. The teachers and other school staff are either written to be total bigots (Sue), or they're total pr3dators (Mr. Schue, the school nurse, and another teacher who I can't remember her name off the top of my head).

Sue pretty much only exists to be a poorly written villain who's a bigoted bitch just to be a bigoted bitch. Yes, there were some things she WAS right about (like how "Blurred Lines" wasn't an appropriate song choice for the Glee Club™️, but Mr. Schue The Pr3dator™️ downplayed it). Other than that...that's all I can think of. Because everything else that came out of her mouth was bigoted bullshit. Like these right here, for example:

Or how she drugged the principal, date r@ped him, and blackmailed him?

How about them making a tasteless joke about Sue committing su1c1d3 and having her "overdose" on multivitamin gummies?

DO I NEED TO EXPLAIN HOW FUCKED UP ALL OF THIS IS? I do? Well, first of all, she called people racist, homophobic, ableist, and otherwise disgusting names. She boiled them down to their race, sexual orientation, their disability, and their appearance in general. Second, SHE DRUGGED, BLACKMAILED, AND DATE R@PED SOMEBODY. I don't think I need to explain how that's bad. The evidence is right there. Third, she said she was committing "sue-icide" by overdosing on multivitamin gummies. (Yes, you actually can OD on vitamins in supplement form, and it can cause serious symptoms and even death. Specifically with vitamins A, D, E, and K, and Iron. Vitamins A, D, E, and K are fat-soluble. They're a lot harder to remove from the body. The B vitamins and vitamin C aren't as severe if you do OD on them because they're water-soluble, but still be careful. You can't OD on vitamins and minerals you find in food. If you take supplements, vitamins, etc., only take what's on the bottle.) As someone who has su1c1d@l thoughts on and off, this is extremely insulting. Yes, I do use humor and I joke about my own experiences to cope, but this? Nah. Nothing about this is funny or cute in the slightest. Enough said.

Do I need to explain how fucking terrible it is to make light of a serious topic like this? It was never funny to see Britney Spears' mental health be at that low of a point in 2007. It was never funny to see the abuse the paparazzi inflicted on her. How the fuck was this ever okay? You can dislike Britney Spears all you want, but this was never it.

This is all I have for now. I'll probably make a part two because there are way too many things to talk about.

[nothingbutfangirlsmut]

The Maze Trials: A Gally Fanfiction

Pairing: Gally x Emi(OC)

Summary: Emi, first girl the Glade has seen. Tougher than she looks and more than ready to prove it. Since day one her and Gally have been at each other's throats. Fighting constantly and not just with their words.

(Gally fanfiction which will include smut. It also has an actual story line. Think of it as an AU to the original Maze Runner. It'll mostly follow the main story line with some changes. Mostly focusing on Emi and Gally and their relationship.)

Chapter Twenty-Seven

In the distance beyond the smoke from the flames I could see a few figures coming towards us. They were walking quickly. Once they got beyond the smoke I could see that it was Gally leading the way. He looked angrier than I had ever seen him. In that moment I didn't care about the grievers. I didn't care Gally had called quits on us. All I cared about was the big angry builder coming straight for us.

"Gally" Thomas said timidly.

Gally's answer was a severe right hook knocking Thomas to the ground. Several of the boys grabbed Gally pulling him back from the boy on the ground.

"This is all you Thomas! Look around!" Gally shouted angrily.

"Back up!" Fry shouted.

"You heard Alby! He's one of them! He's one of them and they sent him here to destroy everything and now he has!" Gally shouted furiously as he fought back the gladers holding him.

"Look around Thomas! Look around! This is your fault!" Gally continued to shout.

I moved to pull the gladers away from Gally making myself the only barrier between Gally and Thomas. Gally continued trying to scream and rant at Thomas. I grabbed his face making him look down at me. His eyes narrowed like he was about to turn his words on my instead of the other boy.

"Thomas! No!" Chuck and Teresa shouted from behind us. 

I turned around quickly to see Thomas fall to the ground with a griever stinger sticking out of his stomach. I darted toward the boy falling to me knees beside him as Teresa ordered Chuck to get the other syringe. He was seizing. His eyes rolling back. I pulled the stinger out of his stomach and tossed it a few feet away.

"It's going to be okay. It'll be okay." I whispered as I held his face in my hands.

Chuck came running back with the syringe. We quickly stabbed it into his skin giving him the medicine.

"Take Thomas and Teresa to the pit." Gally practically growled.

I jumped to my feet to look at him. Who does he think he is? He's not Alby. He isn't our leader. I opened my mouth to chide him but he grabbed my arm roughly as he dragged me behind him to one of the barely standing huts. He opened the door then pushed me inside. He stepped in slamming the door behind him.

"Gally?" I questioned watching him start to pace.

He put his finger up at me then continued pacing. He turned towards me taking three large steps to put himself right in front of me. I didn't say a word. I couldn't. He was so on edge I was actually scared of what he might do. To my surprise he grabbed each side of my face holding me still as he crashed his lips against mine. I instantly melted into him. His arms moving to wrap around my waist as he pulled me closer. After everything that happened knowing Gally was safe was all I needed. I knew this kiss was the same for him. We shared too much to just completely fall out of each other's hearts.

He pulled away leaning his forehead against mine. We stayed like this for a few silent minutes just enjoying being close to one another again. I had missed him warmth. His touch. His lips.

"Gally" I whispered.

"Please, I just want to stay like this for a little longer." He whispered back tightening his arms around me.

"I do too but you know we can't. The Glade is literally on fire. We have to figure out what to do." I said quietly holding him just as close as he was holding me.

"I already know what to do." He said simply.

"What?" I asked looking up to lock my eyes with his.

"I don't want to talk about it. It'll just piss you off and I'd rather just hold you for what little time I have left to do so."

I pulled myself out of his arms stepping back so I could glare at him. He sighed crossing his arms over his chest.

"All I can say Emi is choose your side. Thomas or me. Just know that no matter what I will always love you." He tried to look stern but I saw the softness in his eyes as he watched me.

"What are you planning?" I asked hesitantly.

"You'll have to wait till tomorrow to find that out." He said simply then turned and left back out the door.

It didn't take long for Gally to take complete control of the Glade. The only ones not in his circle was Minho, Newt, Chuck and myself. We all stood to the side watching the others move about doing whatever Gally had ordered them to do.

"Can't you talk some sense into him?" Chuck asked me.

"He doesn't listen to me anymore." I said sadly.

"Then what do we do?" Minho asked.

"We wait for Thomas to wake up then see what he has to say." I stated matter of factly.

---

The night and most of the next day was incredibly long. Gally kept us mostly out of the loop but we had caught on to what he was intending to do for the most part. We were able to get away from the other gladers and make our way over to Thomas and Teresa who were still locked in the pit. We huddled around the bars as soon as we saw that Thomas was awake. He looked at us grimly before moving closer so we could hear him.

"It's not a prison. It's a test. It all started when we were kids. They'd give us these challenges. They were experimenting on us. And then people started disappearing every month one after the other like clock work." Thomas started to explain.

"Sending them up into the maze." Newt said.

"Yea, but not all of us." Thomas said grimly.

"What do you mean?" I asked him.

There was a pause before Thomas continued.

"Guys, I'm one of them. The people who put you here. I worked with them. I watched you guys for years. The entire time you've been here. I was on the other side of it. So were you." Thomas said stopping to look at Teresa.

"What?" She questioned him.

"Teresa, we did this to them." Thomas told her quietly.

"No, that can't be true." She whispered shaking her head.

"It is, I saw it as well as you." Thomas turned to me this time.

"I'm sorry?" I asked him.

"I saw you. The day they took you from me. The day they separated us. I felt completely lost without my twin sister." He said with a ghost of a smile.

"We really are twins?" I asked him.

He nodded.

"Why would they send us up if we were with them?" Teresa asked pulling Thomas' attention back to her.

"It doesn't matter." Thomas whispered.

"He's right. It doesn't matter. Any of it. The people we were before the maze they don't even exist anymore. These creators took care of that. What does matter is who we are now and what we do right now." Newt said glancing between all of us.

Then he turned to look straight at Thomas.

"You went into the maze and found a way out." Newt told him in amazement.

"Maybe if I hadn't Alby would still be alive." Thomas said trying to hide the pain he felt.

There was a pause as Thomas and Newt stared at each other.

"Maybe but I know if he were here he'd be telling you the exact same thing. Pick your ass up and finish what you started. Cause if we do nothing then that means Alby died for nothing and I can't have that." Newt spoke passionately never tearing his eyes away from Thomas.

Thomas sighed then nodded.

"Okay, okay, but we gotta get threw Gally first." He stated.

Instantly all the heads turned to look at me.

"What? I'm not gonna be able to talk sense into him. I've already tried that." I said matter of factly.

"I have an idea." Minho spoke up.

"And that is?" I asked leaning closer to him.

"We know Gally is going to try and banish you. We give the spears to certain people then use those people to catch them by surprise. We get you free then get out of here." Minho explained quickly.

We agreed that it sounded good enough then broke off to not draw too much attention. Chuck, Newt, and I went back to the rest of the gladers. Gally sent one of his builders to help Minho bring Thomas and Teresa to him. He had set up two wooden poles in front of the doors. The rest of us stood around them watching Gally pace.

The builder Gally sent came back holding a bound Teresa. Minho tossed a fake unconscious Thomas to the ground. They didn't seem to expect anything.

"This is such a waste." Gally said as he looked at both Thomas and Teresa.

"Gally!" Winston said suddenly making most of us turn to look at him.

"This doesn't feel right man." He told Gally.

"What if Thomas is right? What if he can lead us home?" Jeff asked.

"We are home. Okay? I don't want to have to cross any more names off that wall." Gally said walking closer to Jeff.

"You really think banishing us is going to solve anything?" Teresa asked him.

He turned to face her.

"No. This isn't a banishing. It's an offering." Gally said quietly.

"What?" Both myself and Teresa asked in shock.

The builder holding her moved to tie her to the wooden post.

"Gally! What are you doing?" Teresa asked frantically as see was tied up.

"You really think I'm gonna let you and Thomas back into the maze? After what he's done? Look around you." Gally spoke towards Teresa.

He then turned to the other gladers.

"Look at our Glade. This is the only way. And when the grievers get what they came here for. Everything goes back to the way it was." Gally stated like he'd never been more sure of anything.

Newt, Minho, and I shared a look. Newt nodded making me turn to see Chuck a few feet away loaded down with everything we needed.

"Are you listening to this? Why are you all just standing there? He's crazy!" Teresa said turning around on the post.

"Will you shut up?" Gally asked calmly.

"If you stay here the grievers are going to come back. They're gonna come back and keep coming back until you're all dead." Teresa stated harshly.

"Shut up! Tie him up!" Gally ordered finally loosing his cool.

"Did you hear me? I said tie him up!" Gally shouted at the two gladers who hadn't moved.

As they pulled Thomas up he suddenly "woke up". He elbowed them both to make them let go then he grabbed the spear out of one of their hands. He used the spear to his the glader knocking him to the ground. Newt moved pulling out his knife. Chuck tossed me a spear. Teresa kicked the boy who had tied her up. Gally started forward but Minho gently placed his machete on his shoulder to stop him. Frypan quickly cut the ropes holding Teresa as Chuck ran towards us. Thomas, Newt, and I stood at the entrance to the maze. Our weapons at the ready. Teresa and Chuck both getting behind us. Minho slowly rounded Gally as he made he way over to us.

"You're full of surprises aren't you?" Gally asked.

"You don't have to come with us but we are leaving. Anyone else that wants to come now is your last chance." Thomas said loudly towards Gally.

I watched as the keeper of the builders scanned the faces until he stopped at me. I could see the clear pain and betrayal all over his face.

"Don't listen to him. He's just trying to scare you." Gally said to the gladers behind him.

"No I'm not trying to scare you. You're already scared. Alright, I'm scared. But I'd rather risk my life out there than spending the rest of it in here. We don't belong here. This place is not our home. We were put here. We were trapped here. At least out there we have a choice. We can make it out of here. I know that." Thomas spoke sparking life and awe into all of us.

Winston was the first to step forward. Then Clint then Jeff. A handful of others followed all coming to stand behind us at the entrance. The only ones left were mostly the builders and a few slicers.

"Gally, it's over. Come with us." Thomas said.

"Good luck against the grievers." He said as he nodded.

I felt the tears falling. I stepped forward but Newt grabbed my arm holding me in place.

"Gally, please come with us. Come with me." I pleaded trying to blink away my tears.

"I love you Emi" he said quietly then turned his back to me and walked back towards what was left of the Glade.

I was pulled by Newt as everyone started running. I forced myself to turn away and run with the others. I tried to push Gally out of my head but all I could see was his pain filled face and all I could hear was his last words he'd just spoken.

—

[belphegorbillickin]

Of course! glad I could make you happy ^^ I've also been a bit down lately, exams and I've been feeling a bit neglected these days, so ur response to my ask made me soft ;-; lmao I'm usually bubbly but I tend to bottle up feelings like this (to the point where I erupt LMAO). That aside, are u a new blog by any chance? If u aren't (or even if u r tbh) YOU NEED MORE ANONS/READERS APPRECIATING UR WORK OMG! Also, that's rlly sweet of u, but I want u to take care of urself first since ur not well bby

I hate tumblr's word limit BUT AS I WAS SAYING. I really appreciate that, and who knows I might request something in the future ✌️👀👀 but rn I want you to take care of yourself! Don't stress yourself (like me rn) and make sure you're feeling happy and well! Also, off topic, but who is your fav Obey Me! character??

You're so kind, I'm glad I could help cheer you up a bit too! I hope the people around you start giving you more attention and you can relax soon.

I'm not the best conversationalist, but you can message me about random Obey Me! stuff whenever you're feeling lonely. Don't ever feel bad about rambling or going off-topic because as you can see I can't shut up when it comes to Obey Me.

I just started posting Obey Me! content, and any of my writing at all, at the beginning of March so yeah I'm pretty new.

Either way I really appreciate the sentiment. I've seen quite a few nice things people write in the tags sometimes that makes me really happy even if I feel too nervous/awkward to respond properly.

I'm really, really bad at picking favorites tbh. I actually hated almost all of my favs before it turned into love/hate and then just love. Not sure what that says about me but I guess that whole "two sides of the same coin" thing is true to an extent.

I guess my favorite to write would be Levi since it usually comes really easy to me. I'm able to relate to him the most, but I feel like a lot of the ingame interactions are severely lacking to the point where it affected how much I liked him for a while.

You almost never get to actually relate to him. The game just assumes you're outgoing, neurotypical, and know nothing about anything "nerdy" which is a really odd choice for a psuedo-otome that's focusing more and more to whales.

He also seems to be the least interested in romance by far until super recently so it also kind of made me feel like a creep for being into him even though that probably sounds ridiculous. I don't like tsunderes romantically, but he has a pretty good reason for it and he's not too obnoxious about it.

Belphegor's the second easiest to write and I like him a lot, as you can see by my username. I do feel like they missed a lot of potential with him, but his interactions are always the best imo. Especially in Devilgrams, I feel like MC has the most personality in them compared to others. I also really love how soft he his for Beel, it's part of what made me start liking him when he was still being a tsun-tsun little asshole.

I love Beel the most, he's so sweet that and devilgrams always cheer me up, though I have a lot of trouble writing him sometimes. If I had to pick just one of them it'd be him, even though being eaten alive is one of my biggest fears irl. I get really annoyed when the game only lets you dismiss his feelings or outright insult him though.

Simeon really pissed me off during the angel event and then with some of the things he did in the most recent lessons not too long after, but now he's really growing on me again. I pretty much expected him to be that kind of character anyway.

Definitely the hottest character imo, both looks and personality wise, but I rarely see people acknowledge the darker parts of his personality. It doesn't help that most of it is gated around harder lessons or an event that may not be canon.

Lucifer's reveal and softer side made me go from hating him to begrudgingly loving him, he's also unintentionally hilarious and interesting to write. The devs constantly pushing him in early events put me off though.

By the time I actually came to like him I ended up seeing him as more of "the father/older brother I never had" than a romantic interest so the ingame interactions get kind of awkward sometimes.

Sorry about the rambling, but feel free to ramble back about your favorite characters. I'm really curious as to who they are, and especially if my versions match up to your favorites or you find characters that aren't your favorites to be more interesting when I write them. I'm also interested to see if my favorites were obvious, because I feel like they kinda were.

No pressure ofc, don't feel like you have to respond if you don't want to.

[bugie78]

Hey! Just a quick response (knowing me, it will probably get a bit longer anyway, but well...) to your post regarding self-diagnosis because there's something I wanted to add – another reason why I absolutely agree with you. I'm not in university yet, but I've spent the last four years absorbing everything I could find about psychology in general. One of the first things I learned regarding mental illness: You cannot accurately observe yourself. You're biased. (1)

Anonymous said Just like the people you are dear to. And of course, even the best therapist/psychiatrist isn't immune to prejudice. However, they are trained to deal with that and they'll still have an easier time "objectively" (as far as that's possible) looking at possible symptoms than anyone with a personal relationship to you (including yourself). (2)

Anonymous said:That doesn't mean you or the people around you can't suspect you suffer from condition x. Otherwise, how would you know you need to go see a doctor? But that's what it should remain until you can get a pro-diagnosis: a suspicion. And you should treat it as such. (3)

Anonymous said:Regarding the community and resources thing: If you don't have the opportunity to get a pro-diagnosis, that's totally alright. What stops you from beginning your research/looking for resources & people with similar experiences on suspicion alone? For example: I highly suspect I have or at least had a mild form of depression. (And there've been times when I've been so much worse.) It runs in my family and a few of my relatives've got professional diagnoses. Still, I don't tell/never told (4)

Anonymous said: people I suffer from clinical depression because: no official diagnosis. When talking about it to someone, I usually narrow it down to symptoms I experience or to a simple "I think I might've (had) depression". To go further would be to discredit official diagnoses & the severeness of the disorder. And, let's be honest: It hasn't stopped me from recovering. It's been a long, long way, but I've learned to manage what I perceive as symptoms of depression. By learning about it. (5)

Anonymous said: By talking to people with similar experiences. By getting to know myself better, etc. At this point, I don't feel the need to get an official diagnosis anymore. Whatever I have/had, I can live with it just fine now. So, self-diagnosis (as in: being "sure" without checking with a professional) really isn't a requirement for getting into a community or whatever. (6)

Anonymous said: God, I need to go now, haha. This has already turned out way longer than anticipated... and I could still say so, so much about this. One last thing, though: There's another reason why a trained professional's perspective is important when it comes to diagnoses. Not just because of the bias-thing. As a layman, it's easy to get the wrong idea about a condition, to not understand something correctly or see things where there are none. Say, you strongly believe you have x – then it's possible (7)

Anonymous said you overinterpret stuff to suit your image of yourself. Or even develop symptoms you didn't show before. Of course, that's not always the case. There's definitely people out there who've self-diagnosed correctly. But it's not as rare as one would want it to be. What it burns down to: Professionals make mistakes as well, but FEWER and they usually have a deeper understanding of an illness. That's their job. But well, that's the main things I wanted to point out (in addition to your rambling.) (8)

......

I AM SO GLAD YOU AGREE WITH ME ANON CAUSE HONESTLY I WAS A BIT SCARED WHEN I GOT THIS MANY ASKS FROM YOU BUT SO GLAD IT WAS AGREEING AND NOT DISAGREEING. wHAT A RELIEF. 

I know right! You make some excellent points! People who self diagnose and then refuse to go see a doctor and just put a label on themselves are the ones that bug me the most. I know a lot aren’t like this. BUT there are people who I have seen who are like this. Some people say “well some of us don’t have the time, energey or desire to go see a doctor” And I am like  no if you really suspect you might have something you will make time, and have the desire to go see a doctor. 

I remember my doctor told me once that a kid came in, and his mom demanded that he give the child meds because he has ADHD... but my doctor knew better and knew that the kid certantly didn’t have it. So he refused which somehow pissed off the mom... like wouldn’t you be happy your child doesn’t need to rely on meds to keep focus... 

And I saw ppl put in their blog “im self diagnosed autism” and it just doesn’t work that way. Self diagnose Autism isn’t a thing... being just diagnosed with Autism is.. if your self diagnosed and then go and tell ppl that you have it, it’s just like putting a label on yourself... which being autistic or having asperger’s is wayyy more then just having a special interest and not being able to make friends. Hell, I have many friends and I have Asperger’s. And they all know I have it. Even my boyfriend knows and he accepts it. I have a hard time knowning how to socialize with others but I really do try my hardest.. probally why I am better at this is cause I gotten group therapy to help me on this. And if I just self diagnosed myself, then I wouldn’t be able to get group therapy...but since I had a legit diagnoses done I was able to get group therapy which helped me a lot. 

So yeah sorry ranting again but thank you so much for agreeing with me! 

[docholligay]

I'm gonna be honest I had to come to your blog for some reassurance that "feel bad for all femmes that are into butches" thing wasn't actually hatred because I've seen so much vitriol thrown at butches over the last couple years that my kneejerk reaction is to assume even something playful like that is hate. I'm glad it wasn't, but ugh I wish my brain hadn't been conditioned to assume that of people.

I think the couple of nasty comments I got actually come out of a couple things, and I’m glad you said this, because I think it’s something, we, as a people, need to talk about

(When I use ‘you’ in the context of this talk I mean ‘all y’all’ not you specifically) 

1. The point you made–People are so used to butch lesbians being attacked that there’s a knee-jerk desire to protec and attac. I UNDERSTAND THIS INTIMATELY, TRUST. 

2. You’re not gonna like this one–the second factor is a pretty uncharitable lack of reading comprehension. Not just in my post, i see this all the time, but I’ve read my post several times now, because I do in fact have a very aggressive communication style, and sometimes I come off TOTALLY wrong. But I think it’s tough to read what I said and take it as anything other than poking fun at how oblivious butches are about flirting, and how we as femmes end up hilariously tossing ourselves at them. 

3. Tumblr’s really really terrible pattern and impulse of seeing a post, looking at the reblogs and comments for something that pisses them off, and popping off about it devoid of any context. One person, that I had never seen in my life, reblogged it, directly from me, with the addition “Feel sorry for yourself, ugly” (which, hilariously, actually that was what I was doing, yes, I do, rest assured I have been this femme writing notes about coogne and hope you get the message) (It was deleted quickly because I assume they flipped over to my blog and figured out they made a mistake) Oh of raw curiosity, I went to my blog and searched ‘butch’ for the posts that come up not involving this. First was a huge fanfic, where you would have seen it used positively BUT NO ONE BLAMES ANYONE FOR NOT GOING THERE, but the next two were these: 

my (butch) friend E: I drank Hershey’s syrup out of the bottle as a kid. me: I drank soy sauce.my buddy D: there it is folks, the butch- femme dynamic.

Reasons my butch is crying:

today in the Buffalo Bill museum she felt sad that the buffalo no longer freely roam the Plains

Literally a 2 minute search could have told you this was probably being interpreted in an uncharitable way, but we don’t do that on tumblr, we shoot first and ask questions later, and that’s how stuff gets blown up to ridiculous proportions. Maybe don’t flybynight on blogs of people you don’t know and assume the worst of them. It does not take a lot of time to search key terms (my blog even has dates when you search! So you can see that maybe what I thought 3 years ago isn’t what I think now!) 

I really want all of my followers to read this, and think about this next time you want to pop off. 

It is important to be thoughtful in our criticisms, because these things are important, and popping off and crying wolf makes them look silly. 

Thoughtful literally just means sit and think about it. Check your facts. Stop reblogging stuff blindly. Please, for the love of God, Harumichi, chicken strips, whatever you need to swear to, stop and think to yourself: 

Am I reading what they really said? Is there another way to read this?

What does the rest of their blog indicate about this? Does this maybe ask a personal context I don’t have? 

Is this actually a big deal that requires a stranger’s intervention? –picking your battles is literally one of the hardest things to learn to do.

If I am unwilling to put my name to a criticism, do I truly believe it’s worth defending? Do I have the courage of my convictions? 

If a news story/scholarly thing: Let me google this really fast) PLEASE DO THIS BEFORE YOU REBLOG SHIT EVEN WITHOUT COMMENTARY OH MY GOD. (If I see that anime was a mistake thing passed around again, when he never fucking said that, I am…gonna lose it)  

I think you’ll find in general your experiences on tumblr are more positive and less anxiety prone if you just take on a little bit of this responsibility. For example me: I have a major major major major issue with people removing Tracer’s CA for art. It sucks. It’s disability erasure because her CA interferes with outfits or some dumb reason. When i see it, I go to a person’s blog, i check art tags, i try to figure out as much as I can before I speak to them about it ALWAYS UNDER MY ACTUAL NAME. 

It’s been largely positive! Not always, but often! (Actually its mostly the wide scale rebloggers/content ~curators~ who are really really terrible about this no matter how many times I message them and if it didn’t violate my own personal understanding of lashon hara I would absolutely at them and post about it ahah)

Anyway, you don’t have to agree with me, but I think it’s valuable to sit and think about these things, before you act. Sometimes I just take a walk! I’m impulsive as fuck and I need to not have access to answer for a few minutes. 

IN conclusion: I love butch lesbians, I think tumblr really needs to work on open communication 

[tea-at-221]

I'm sorry, love.

I'm responding to this because I've been laughing at the whole thing myself, and I do apologize because I know it's a sensitive thing.

My laughter is actually stemming from a place of having been hurt by this same stuff before (I'm biromantic/gray ace), several times. The wounding pain of those moments of betrayal coming from the shows I loved, plus the denial of the validity of my ships by those around me who "didn't see" the romance, has been brutal. So many times I've agonized over queerbaiting and bury-your-gays with other fans. Not that that's necessarily what the destiel scene was actually meant to be. I just mean that for someone like me, with the history my other same sex ships have had, this scene struck a lot of the same notes.

For me--and I think?/hope most others (though I can't speak for them), it's not actually about thinking Dean (or Jensen, these days) is really homophobic. The response of "wow, that was homophobic" is more directed at the structure of the scene and how the writers handled it (yes though, I know that the writer of this scene is a gay man so it's more complicated than that), plus the speed of Cas' immediate death post-confession (a classic bury-your-gays trope moment, but faster than most of us have ever seen it before). Dean's "wooden" response has been read as homophobic (and I think most of us who know the character ACTUALLY read his emotion there as dread/denial of losing Cas again...we all know Dean hates goodbyes and will avoid them tooth and nail whenever possible)...but I feel like what's really happening here is that viewers are looking at Dean's "blankness" and actually imagining a generic homophobic showrunner in his place and are really directing their commentary at a *concept* rather than at Dean, if that makes sense? I feel like why this scene struck some of us as funny is something that's happening on a lot of levels at once.

I don't know, that's how I've been reading the whole thing, but I may be entirely wrong. I used to take it for granted that other people thought the way I do, but eventually I realized they really don't, so now I always second-guess whether I really understand what others are saying or not.

If I *am* right about any of this and that's how others are reading it and not just me, then: somehow the way the whole thing was written and directed, coming at such a tense/surreal moment for all of us (the election, covid, rumors about Putin, etc etc)...I think it released a sort of mass hysterical laughter and has caused a free-for-all of goofiness, whereas if the episode had aired even a week earlier or later, the reception of it would probably have been a lot more standard (some people elated, others pissed off). It's kind of like the phenomenon of laughing at a funeral...you have so much built up emotion and you don't realize how primed you are until something triggers a release (either tears, or some very inappropriate laughter.

But representation is so very important and I do feel badly for anyone who is getting the sharp end of this stick just now. I have laughed over it, as a coping mechanism, because that's the only way I can personally handle responding right now. But my laughter--as I can only speak for myself ultimately--is about catharsis and not meant to be mocking, vindictive, or cruel. I think that's where the more reasonable among us are probably coming from, though yeah, I've seen some ugliness coming out of this both from and aimed at the Destiel shippers, and that's really not cool. I do wish we could all be more sympathetic to/understanding of each other.

*Hugs to you*

sorry to be sappy on main, but sadly I watched supernatural my last year of high school and being exposed to internet fan theories about destiel–specifically the prevailing theory of dean being bisexual– was the first exposure I ever had to the real possibility of bisexuality and not just gay/straight and that was a pretty formative experience for me. It’s not exactly how I figured out I was bi but it opened the door