#this got me through english class
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Dread be dreading
#ughg#i usually have awful thoughts randomly popping up here or there#make me pretty anxious for a few days then i won't think about them for a while#but man i can't handle doubts suddenly resurfacing#like this monday i was listening to my last lecture and everything bad i cooked up a in the past few months hit me like a truck#couldn't even focus i was too busy internally chanting shit fuck i don't want this i made a huge mistake shit shit#i won't be able to handle all this responsibility i'm so tired this will butcher my mental health should have chosen media studies fuuuck#what was i thinking what am i gonna do help#then proceeded to distract myself with an electric outlet otherwise i might have started crying#:/#and those thoughts aren't wrong unfortunately#i love this university and the classes and the things i study#the teachers and my classmates and the kids i got to take care of#but i don't think i could do this for real#i'm not even struggling with anything i'm just scared and tired as hell#and thought i could just. power through it- like if i'm stubborn enough it won't matter that it's draining#but damn#and hell originally i came here because i wanted to teach english to kids#i guess my expectations were too high i don't feel like i've learned anything that useful this far#and turns out it won't get better#we just gonna do presentations again#to be fair i loved researching nursery rhymes but i hoped we would have... more. of that#also about media studies. chief... i crave to be there#could have picked the english specialization there too- i'm a moron. a bozo. holy shit#well. gonna go through this semester either way. because again everything i study here (almost everything) is genuinely great and useful#and perhaps i'm just in a Pit right now#the dread pit#should probably break this to my sister. somehow#random squeak
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ive got an essay due at 3pm tomorrow and ive not even looked at it i am so so unserious about my degree and by the grace of some higher being i somehow keep managing to crawl through it's actually getting a bit funny
#me and an old friend of mine used to have a running joke during a-levels that im just one of those people where shit Works Out#and it started bc we shared two a-levels (english and economics) and in BOTH classes i regularly didn't do the homework#or the reading etc and yet it would ALWAYS work out for me#like we'd walk into a class neither of us having done the homework and they'd get yelled at while i went under the radar somehow#or that one english essay i got the highest score in the class when i literally hadn't even read the fucking book it was on#and when we pointed the theory out it started just becoming really prevalent#like no matter how late i am for things i'll arrive and by some miracle the thing im late for is also late (e.g a train or teacher)#like im just one of those people that has very very mundane luck#and low and behold i am fighting this degree with bloody fists putting the absolute bare minimum in for my own sanity's sake#and i SOMEHOW keep pulling through. literally failed two modules last year and STILL got a 2:1 average#and the last essay i wrote was the worst essay id ever done in my life and i get my standards are higher bc ik im good at essays#but the point still stands and you know what? i got a FIRST#literally was pure waffle i have never blagged it so hard and i got a FIRST#and all this shit just makes me cockier and cockier and go even more by the skin of my teeth and it ALWAYS WORKS OUT#it's soooo silly but im not complaining. anyway ill keep u posted about this essay <3 it's econ history so is actually interesting#but the most ive done for it is ask the sc ai lmao and for context degree-level essays usually require a good few days of graft#live love laziness#hella goes to uni
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🥹💕
#i took an american english class in uni so im tryING but the accent is still gonna seep through#not saying it's bad bc everyone's got an accent but if there's smth that i mispronounce or that u don't understand pls don't laugH DJDJKAJAG#about it or my voice 🤣 anyway let's get to work#pls tune in later 😁👍🏼🤍#fic: colour me in
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being primarily an artist (as in “someone who draws”) these days is pretty funny to me but also very strange once i give it some thought. i’ve defined myself as a writer for 1/3 of my life and it was my biggest dream to be a published author (and i am!). i wanted to major in languages and that was my plan up until the second to last month of senior year of high school lol. and then once i finished my books i stopped writing. i felt like i had written everything i wanted to write. super weird after a decade of investing in a project!!
and then seeing myself as someone who draws and not as someone who writes is still new to me. not that they are mutually exclusive, i just mean it as my defining characteristic. i’ve drawn all my life but it was never my number one Thing. you guys should see my art from three years ago omg. i still like writing and i do it very unpretentiously here and there, but it’s not something i think about very often. and that’s weird!! it used to be my everything and now it’s just another thing!!!!
#i’m fine with it though i just think it’s funny to think that#if you met me at a certain point in my life you see me as a writer. and if you met me later on you think me of an artist#think of me as*#‘languages’ isn’t the right translation for what i wanted to major in but ‘letras’ doesn’t have an approximate#conceptually though imagine it as if i wanted to major in english#i love portuguese. it’s a beautiful language. both in normative but also semantically#no sentence in english will ever come close to the amount of meaning you can conjure up with three words in portuguese#and i’m saying that as someone who loves english. because i’ve been l speaking it since diapers as well#i don’t know i’m just thinking!! i still love words a lot. we had a phenomenology class today (which i also love)#and it made me remember how i got into psychology through it. because it’s so closely related to the language and meanings#inside said language. and then it got me thinking about this#being dedicated to drawing is a recent development in my life lol
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could never get/relate to gifted kids talk because i was that bitch who was always put in the remedial classes. primarily math, but because of that it took me down pegs from the higher up english/history classes i could have taken
#not gifted in school not bad at school. a secret third thing. too autistic in the not good at school way#my english grades were always a's/b's#math? solid c. sometimes b's depending on the teacher#science? failed two science classes all through high school babey (teacher and i weren't compatible for the type of help i needed)#my guidance counselor my sr year didn't want me taking the anatomy class bc 'it was the hardest science class'#but i needed SOMETHING that fit my schedule so i didn't have to drop something else#and that was it and i got a solid c/b in that class bc the teacher was GREAT and i could do lab tests one on one with her <3#it's honestly just one of those things where sometimes the teacher is the problem and their teaching methods. are. not right for you#personal
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did you actually learn English through reading gay fanfic?? how does it feel being better than every native speaker to ever exist
feels great, thanks for asking!!! ^_^ /j
but yeah...mostly??? all schools have english classes but they're usually the most basic of basic stuff. i learned gramatic rules and all of the tenses, yes (which was GREAT!! because when you learn a language straight from the source you often repeat something you saw being done and ASSUMED was right instead of KNOWING it was right and Why), but only enough to know a few useful phrases & hold the simplest of conversations. so i used that as a guide while everything else was learned through translation and memorization or by research! idk when that changed to 'oh i can read it by myself now' or when that changed to 'i can write lengthy texts without problem' but. that gift horse can keep its mouth shut, idk & idc.
since spanish is so similar to portuguese, im using that as my stepping stone this time. if i cant tell what a word means by just looking at it, ill look it up. thats it. if it works again im posting a five paragraph text fully in spanish or smth
#btw it was percy jackson fanfic the first time. obviously. i was like 12 or 13 i think#also didnt add to it but the reason i stopped with language apps is bc theyre guilty of telling you what to do without explaining why#yeah ok i can use e or y here. oh i got it wrong. are you going to tell me why? no? cool! i learned nothing!#and adding to the english classes we also have 'professional' ones that are private right but. not all of them are good.#my brother went to one for only 1 year and it was BAD. like i cringed going through his textbooks bad. and it was expensive as hell too!!!#but they DO give you certificates... that looks better than 'im self-taught' on applications
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a lot of my teachers this year have randomly complimented me on my writing even when the class largely has nothing to do with it and tbh??!??! it's really nice and it makes me want to write more?!?!?!!?!?!
#i thought i was bad at it but i think it's just bc i had to write so many academic essays that i stopped having time for creative writing#but i was shocked today because i had a one-on-one with my painting teacher which was basically my final#it wasn't even a crit just a talk basically about my painting#and i had to submit a write-up in advance about what i learned through the process of that class basically#so anyway when i got to the one-on-one the first thing he did was thank me for the write-up and he was like 'clearly you love writing'#'you're a good writer'#and i was like what!?!?!??!?!?#BECAUSE#im not trying to brag SERIOUSLY but i wrote it really fast and i didn't think it was that crazy#but it meant a lot coming from him because he's probably the most articulate and insightful teacher i've ever had#and also he like has a degree in english LOL#and he said i was a storyteller... so anyway..... i almost cried in the club immediately#well anyway. top ten moments#also my art history professor who i deeply respect wrote a very thoughtful comment on my work today to tell me that she thinks#that i 'have a true talent for written visual analysis' and to 'take her word on it'#BOTH OF THESE MOMENTS?? IN THE SAME DAY?!??!!?!#sorry for 18 paragraphs of bragging but i was truthfully floored#i am always floored when people compliment my writing because lowkey i am hugely insecure about it and feel like i can't articulate shit#like so insecure i cant even write lyrics for songs im like 'i have nothing to write about' man stfu just make shit up its called FICTION#anyway....#top ten days of my life
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😍😍😍
#accidentally slept through my only class today#which whoops sorry. (my 9am english)#which kind of killed step 1 of a plan of mine but thats okay#anyways THEN i had to go downtown to pick up this award bc i forgot to show up to the ceremony like a dumb dumb#but the building was like a 25 minute walk and it was COLD (punishment for my dumb dumbness tbh) but anyways i got there early so i walked#around the block and then went inside and picked up my medal#and i was already far downtown so then i popped my head in a couple of stores as i slowly walked back#got a few things from target. new hair clip nail polish m&ms pens and then a mango. very excited to eat that either later today or tomorrow#then i popped in the calligraphy store and then the comic shop and looked around. saw some white ribbon in the calligraphy store which ive#been looking for but didnt get it because it was a bit wide and kind of expensive and i want a lot for my project idea#(want to write out some of my favorite poems on them in sharpie and then use it to accessorize)#and then i went to the comic shop and peeked around. saw a nubia issue and a few gl 2021s in the discount bin but i didnt get them bc#they were all middle issues and i havent read those books yet although i do want to someday bc my guys were in them. one of the gl 21s even#had simon on the cover so i was very !!!!!!!! thats my guy!!!!!#didnt buy anything there but i did ask the guy to make sure to order a copy of the spirit world tpb so ill stop by to get that in a few wks#and then i went to the bookstore cafe and got a cold brew and did a but of English there. they have tables in the stacks its nice. the one i#grabbed was just surrounded by old paperbacks of sci fi and thrillers lol. didnt see anything id read but recognized a few author names like#card (no enders game though) and the pern lady (idk her name i havent read it). anyways did half a blog post thats technically late (ill#backdate though dw) and then packed up and i grabbed a gyro from the halal cart on that block which i just finished back at my dorm <3333#anyways good times. now im gonna try and spam some work and go to freaking trivia team for the first time in a month later. oops#blah#oh and i think the halal cart guy may have given me a free soda. unsure abt that though bc its possible it came with and i was just being#silly again. so anyways i had a ginger ale too
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Essentially what it is all boiling down to is I have fully realized I am bad at being a person, that will always be true, and I don’t know how to handle that
#I’m going to be depressing and self depreciating in the tags so. fair warning to anyone who reads them#I’ve known for a while now that I don’t know what to do with my life. I’ve thought of a few ideas but none of them seem to be working. and I#think a good chunk of what it’s boiling down to is that I am quite literally just stupid when it comes to an actual useful real life skills.#and it’s frustrating because I can’t even talk to ppl I know and confide in them that I feel dumb and stupid without them being like ‘nooooo#don’t say that! you’re not stupid! you were top of your class in hs!’ (that is their favorite thing to fall back on) but like. the thing is#I wasn’t even smart in hs. sure I did good but that’s because I cheated my way through and got lucky a lot. I never actually learned anythin#I never understood what I was being taught or how to apply it. I was good at English and art classes and that was it those were the only one#I truly felt I knew what I was doing in and grasped the subject matter well. I know I’m good at those two things and smart when it comes to#those subjects. but the thing is. in real life. both of those are useless skills. I can’t make money with them and it is highly unlikely#that will ever change. and yes I know not being able to make money with it doesn’t mean it’s useless but like it kinda does. capitalism#sucks. I know that. we all do. but that doesn’t change that we live in a capitalist society and it’s unlikely to actual change in my lifetim#so I’m stuck to try and figure out how to live in it. but I have no skills I can make money with so I will live my entire life poor and#miserable and working dead end jobs that make me want to kill myself. I’m not good at socialization I’m so fucking bad at it so I can’t work#any kind of job that hinges on networking or sales or human interaction which is MOST JOBS but I’m also too stupid for anything related to#STEM. I tried two different stem degrees and flunked out of both of them because I am a FUCKING IDIOT and I know there’s no point in trying#to go back to school for another one. but no degree in anything I naturally have a knack for will help me find a decent well paying job. ill#just be wasting my money to go to school for something like that. and then like. I don’t even think I’ll ever get married and I def won’t#ever have kids. so I can’t even put any hopeful stock in just being happy with a family one day. I know a lot of ppl who don’t like their#careers but they’re fine with that because they’re happy with their family but like I don’t even have that and I won’t ever have that. I#have NOTHING to strive for and NOTHING I am good at that’s meaningful I’m going to fail at having a career and a family and I know that#doesn’t mean I won’t be happy in theory but by societal standards I am and always will be a fucking failure of a person and since I do live#in this society yeah. it’s kinda fucking true. and I don’t know what to do about that. I’m just tired. I’m tired of being afraid and#struggling and going through patches of wanting to kill myself because of this because like what’s the point. I’ll never have anything#better so what in the actual hell is the point of me existing. and I know I’m being ridiculous and my brain is eating itself and none of#this is probably even true but that doesn’t change that it FEELS like it is a lot of times and esp right now and I don’t know what to do#to anyone who reads this I’ll be fine tbh prob as soon as tomorrow like dw about it I just need to get it out so I stop stewing in it.#I’m just. yeah. not having a great time rn but I left work so I’m gonna cry and then maybe sleep for a bit and hope that helps#kaz rambles
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sometimes i think about the time i failed a midterm (and i mean failed in a literal sense, not like "aw i got a B+") while i was in an enriched high school program where everyone else was getting A's. in hindsight it should have been clear i needed help and i was struggling. but all the teacher said was to try harder next time
#uhhhh me#when i say i hated high school i'm usually just taklking abt the years i was in this program lol#i don't even know how i got in. i felt so alone when my grades couldn't match up to everyone else's#i didn't know how i was supposed to talk to my classmates about it because they all seem to just Get it and i just didn't#AND LIKE. i didn't even get a stern talking to by the teachers or principal or anyone#teacher just said 'wow you really don't like this class huh' as she handed the test back to me#and i had to seek her out MYSELF afterward to ask how i could make up my grades#genuinely wondering if a student's grade suddenly dropped like that isn't it a cause for worry#or had my grades been slipping so casually that they just assumed i was slacking off#oh ya to be clear it wasn't like something bad happened in my personal life or anything#i just had a rly rly hard time focusing on subjects i couldn't logic my way through (that being history and english)#(math was easy to get through bc there are formulas)#eventually i did figure out a way to properly study for tests#but like. i feel like the teacher upon seeing my failing grade could have offered me some studying strategies? idk#i don't rly resent her for it but at the same time. WOWIE that was such a shitty time in high school
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in other news i get two weeks of summer break!!! :D i thought my summer classes were going to just lead me straight into school again but i do actually get some breathing room before it all starts up once more :D
#can't WAIT to be back in french class i'm gonna have so much fun#and like! ten thousand english classes!!!! everybody say yayyyyyy!!!!#gonna see what i'm taking rn actually. chronicle it#taking literary theory + criticism ; us literature 1 ; folklore and mythology ; sacred texts ; nd emerging lit in global context#on the waitlist for the emerging lit one. but i am first on the waitlist so. it's practically my class already#absolutely no doubt that someone will drop if i'm not just allowed to crash#even if i don't get it it's no big deal though honestly! it would be my only tuesday/thursday class so i wouldn't have to be on campus...#spending five days a week on campus is pretty silly. i got through it last semester but it'd be nice not to have that#nd i'm at 18 units with that class so if i don't take it i'll be back down to 15 which is totally reasonable#bracken's favorite hobby is actually being completely insane with his school + work schedule#18 units and i'm still like 'yeah i wanna work 20 hours though'#you have clinical issues. shut up.#anyway hopefully i'll be able to work 20 hours a week on top of this sdkfjghdsf#if monica gives me morning shifts! i can do that easy peasy (afternoon shifts are 5 hours instead of 3 and a half now. kiss kiss)#so two + a half afternoon shifts a week and a couple morning shifts... we're so set#'bracken when will you have time to do homework' that's a problem for me to solve by just not having free time <3#one of my classes is asynchronous so. ha. haha. i'm sure i'll have appropriate amounts of time to do work.#mondays + wednesdays i have class straight from 1:30 to 7 but it's FINE! it's FINE!#i'm sure i will be very reasonable about it#i got through my three hour 5-8 film lecture last semester. so i can do anything#would i prefer morning classes? oh absolutely. but having the morning for homework will still be good for me#so excited to be back in school i love school so much#( <— has been in school this whole time w/ summer classes )#OH MY GOD I WAS GONNA SAY THOUGH. I'M SO FUCKING EXCITED TO TAKE FOLKLORE AND MYTHOLOGY#anyway#valentine notes
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I DID IT! I finished my first semester and I passed my classes!!!!!!!
#just finished my archaeology final#I got 90%!#I kind of fucked up an earlier quiz a few weeks ago#but I pulled through and did it !!!!#and I passed!!!!!#im so happy#and I got an A in English 🥹#I’m just SO relieved lol#now for a Break !#and then I start again in august!!!!!#ahhhh I’m so happy and I feel really proud of myself#I really did work hard#also LOL I love online classes because instantly being able to see how I did on my final exam was SO RELIEVING#English had me sooo stressed though bc I was sure I would fail#I didn’t but waiting for things to be graded was torture
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#was worried about 'doing well' on my english assignment before i remembered#i have nothing to fear because my prof is the one forced to read the nonsense#worst i get is a fail. worst my prof gets is suffering through 500+ words of my goofy lil thoughts. sucker!#like absolute worst case scenario my prof calls me up in class and is like 'have you considered changing majors' and i'm like#well buddy i got news for you#anyways. am having fun writing now!! hehe#delete later
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ngl ive seen so many people say that reading and analyzing all those old ass books in english class at school was actually really important and good for society but as someone who i think has pretty good media literacy skills now i would say that shit did absolutely nothing for me. i hated every second of it and im not out here thinking about the crucible or hatchet all day so i would say that it was a total loss of time for me personally. this is no "who gives a shit if the curtains are blue" this is "i know why the curtains are blue and i dont give a shit let me read something i find interesting for once"
#i still remember out of the very few times we ever even read a full book in calss (90 percent of my english classes in school#were just based soley off a textbook that only had little excerpts of books in it) there was ONE time we got to pick the book we read#and did an essay on and it was limited to graphic memoirs but we got to find whatever one we wanted. and for the first and only time#with a book i had to read for school when i got it i actually just started reading it right away and finished it and enjoyed it#and it was also rare for me at that point to even *read* a book we had to read because somehow for years i managed to get away with not#doing the reading i had to do at home and just quickly skimming through the book when i had to take a test on it and still got As
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starting my own business and applying for funding help and it's all so stressful and i have to pretend to know what i'm doing because i still feel 14 and i can barely speak my native language and i don't even wanna do this and
#and my parents are making me do this#and i just wwant to go teach english in south east asia#but those dreams have been getting crushed and pushed down by people my entire life and scoffed at and given funny looks at#i hadd to go to these classes for starting your own business and i barely understood anything and now i got assigned a financial advisor#and she's trying to help me but i've been prochrastinating sending info over to ehr#because i feel so stupid#and i might be getting a new laptop through this but i'm too attached to this one#and i'm going to lose all of my stuff on it too#but that's if i get accepted to the financial aidd thing#almost thinking of self sabotaging on purpose just to not go trough that#someone is going to want my laptop and i have so much stuff on this laptop#i am not giving this baby away#and i just waant to go back to being in highschool anddd not having to worry about any of this shit#it feels like a school project i'm not nearly a little bit prepared for#and i just want it to go back#and i just want mmy bf but he hasn't been my bf for 5 months now#i'm just don't want to do this
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nowhere near a cute lil boop message so I'm over it but read tags for an epic prank my class pulled in 6th grade spoilers it doesn't go well the whole time
#okay so elementary used to go up to 6th grade here and for some reason my school decided to split the boys and girls up#the graduating class consisted of one sped class and the 'typical' classes were one boy class and one girl class#the girls started in our math teacher's class and she pranked us by tricking us into believing she'd gotten engaged with the science teacher#we shipped her with and when she dropped us off in the library we decided to get revenge and fake a fight#the librarian helped us plan it and my job was shielding my giggling friend when the teacher walked in#anyway we convinced her something terrible had happened and when we all started laughing she was cool#like yeah you got me back with the worst thing ever good job lol#then it was the math teacher's job to help us trick the englih teacher (halfway through the school day the classes swapped places)#little did we know that while we were orchestrating a fake post-fight environment the english teacher was dealing with an ACTUAL fight#in the boys class and when she came to pick us up instead of lauging along she got genuinely upset thinking both classes had had a fight#we were apologetic and she was just like...grateful we weren't actually fighting lol#anyway that's the story if you made it this far it finally occurred to me that the reason annette touches my face when im half asleep#is because i boop her nose all the time when she'd half asleep so honestly? karma
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