#and i had to seek her out MYSELF afterward to ask how i could make up my grades

[deanpinterester]

sometimes i think about the time i failed a midterm (and i mean failed in a literal sense, not like "aw i got a B+") while i was in an enriched high school program where everyone else was getting A's. in hindsight it should have been clear i needed help and i was struggling. but all the teacher said was to try harder next time

[waitingtobreatheagain]

One of my favorite parts of the argument outside the Modiste scene is one although it starts harsh/angry…it becomes vulnerable and communicative very quickly. This is due to the core of their relationship. They are each other’s favorite person. No one understands the other more or in the way they do. Even through the hurt, the love is so so apparent.

It is a great example of how anger is a secondary emotion and in this case the primary emotion are emotions related to feeling emotionally hurt.

People say all they had was miscommunication and that is absolutely not true. You wanted them to be all good in five seconds and that was never going to be the case. Two weeks to process what felt like a betrayal, work through it, and work through your own insecurities that could impact your relationship in the future is NO SMALL THING. Not to mention, Colin repeatedly shows his love even in his anger hurt and confusion.

My absolute favorite thing about the scene (and proof of them still having good conversation even while being on the outs) is Colin doing something that Eloise never did. He actually asks Penelope WHY she wrote what she wrote. Even in feeling his most hurt, he seeks understanding. He knows Pen better than anyone (as she does him) and he really needs to identify how and why his most favorite person in the world, the love of his life, could do this. After discussing it, he is still upset which again is fair but he does understand and knows that she is still who he has always know her to be.

To be vulnerable when you’re hurt instead of hurtful also so emotional maturity. Yes, we know their first time seeing each other after the reveal he says something hurtful but he immediately regrets it which is made evident by Luke Newton’s skill in facial expression. He even asks Pen’s questions which she agrees with and identifies why she couldn’t do those things back when she wrote about specific things (I.E. “why didn’t you just tell me to my face” “I know I should have I didn’t have the confidence to then”).

And the part where we see his insecurity about his writing skill and the biggest insecurity being deserving of her on full display. Colin has grown up feeling as if he has to be so many things for so many people to be able to feel worthy. Just being himself has never felt like enough so it makes complete sense that he cannot honestly fathom that his favorite person…the love of his life…loves him simply for being him. That’s beyond belief for him. That is why the “what good am I to you, then (if I can’t protect you) and Pen’s response of I love you is so important. We see Pen’s face go from on guard, defensive, and some indignation to soft and empathetic. She is truly seeing the insecurity and similarly to how Colin couldn’t believe that Pen had no chance of romance when she asked him to kiss her…Pen can’t believe that Colin thinks he can only be loved by her if he is in service of her or has utility. His reaction to her I love you also support Colin is demisexual theories. The affirmation that she does not need him to protect her or do all these things for her and instead just has to be the man she loves is the catalyst for the passion and desire we see him kiss her with afterwards As to say, that’s right. This is the only relationship in my life where I am able to fully be myself, where I am loved for who I am, where I am uplifted, understood, seen, and valued based on my true self not based on who society says I should be, where my vulnerability and emotional intelligence is seen as a strength and not a deficit, etc.

That is so beautiful to me.

This goes back to why for me Polin will always be the pinnacle. The depth of their relationship following years of friends especially as they got closer sets up how they work through conflicts. There are so many parallels when looking at Colin helping Pen work through her insecurity with her confidence and appearance and Pen helping Colin work through his insecurity with self doubt and feeling deserving/worthy of his love.

Truly, a love that is a beautiful as it is rare.

[sotwk]

Hello, you wonderful, thoughtful, sneaky busybody! I’ve read the letter that you snuck into my room—in fact I may have read and reread it until my eyes went crossed. I can hardly believe you took such risks for me, spying on Lord Eomer and taking his private writing—but I’m certainly glad you did.

Grateful as I am, I have another favor to ask of you—though I know you’ll accept gladly, given your love for meddling in other people’s business. I have a letter for Lord Eomer—oh, Bema help me, I knew you’d be insufferably smug about it. Yes, you were right—you’ve been right all along! Are you happy now? 

I know what you’ll ask next, and yes. If you must, you can take a peek—I suppose I owe you that much, since you were the one who brought me his letter in the first place. Just make sure he gets this, won’t you? I won’t be able to rest until he does.

.

.

.

Lord Eomer,

Last night, my friend gave me a curious gift: a letter, crumpled, torn, and painstakingly pieced back together. A letter written and nearly destroyed by your own hand. I do hope you can forgive her actions���for my part, I have never been more grateful for her meddling.

I was determined Forgive my penmanship. My hands have not stopped shaking since I read your words.

I was determined to speak to you at once. I’d decided to sneak to the Golden Hall and throw pebbles at your window until you awoke. Would you believe that I’d donned my cloak and had a foot out the door, with no thought that midnight had long since passed, when my mother caught me and herded me to bed like an errant foal? Trapped in my room as I was, I resolved to write to you instead.

I slept not at all. 

For months, I have endured the attention of the suitors my parents paraded before me. Foolish man, had you made known even a word of that letter to me, I would have sent them all away without a second thought!

I am—I was resigned to do my duty to my family. But you cannot think I wanted to marry one of those men! If ever I smiled at them, I was thinking of you. If ever I looked attentively at them, I was studying their faces seeking some trace of you. 

I underst  Bema, my quill grows unsteady again. You cannot know what your words have done to me.

I understand your reservations, truly. But I am of a mind with your cousin, that our duties need not rule us entirely. Nor must they be the enemy of our hearts.

Do you recall the midsummer feast last year, when you asked me to dance? We spoke afterwards in the garden below the north balcony. I don’t recall a word of our conversation, for you had kissed the back of my hand when our dance was done and I could think of nothing else. You must have known how your touch would haunt me, how I would drive myself mad with thoughts of how your lips might — 

Bema, I am not myself this morning! But there, you see? I do not cross out words in regret, not when I mean them. 

I will be waiting in that garden tonight, at sundown. If you have the courage to stand by the words you tried so desperately to destroy—if, Bema help me, you are as seized by your passions as you claim—you will meet me there. I make no demands of you. Only that you speak the truth to me, without reservation, as I am doing now. 

Enough of prudence, enough of patience! What good have those miserable words ever done us?

I don't know if you will receive this letter in time (don't know how legible it will be, I have never scrawled so fast in my life), but even with the hour being late, I HAD to write and reassure you that:

I survived reading it, though it got hairy there for a second, my poor heart was not ready.

I delivered the letter.

I did more spy-work and lingered in the halls all morning until I was sure Eomer had returned to his rooms and found it.

I got caught. No, no, not by him, thank Bema. By the other one.

No worries, I handled it. He went all high and mighty, telling me I "should not meddle so much", but he didn't rat me out right there. He went into Eomer's room and chatted with him for a good while. Alas, door was too thick for me to hear a peep. Why are these doors so damn heavy.

I managed to corner him later on, but he wouldn't confirm anything other than that Eomer read your words. I then rushed off to get this note to you, but I'm gonna run back to talk Theodred's ear off until he spills everything. I don't care if he is the Prince. I know for a fact that he meddles as much as I do if not more, that sweet hypocrite.

Please just show up in the garden as you said you would and this would all be worth it I'm sure. I'll meet you on the other side, girl! GO GO GO!!!

Tagging parties who are probably interested in this crazy drama: @from-the-coffee-shop-in-edoras @morethantheycansay @emmanuellececchi @celeluwhenfics

For the other confused readers:

The "Anon" who wrote the gorgeous letter in response to my own "Letter from Eomer" is actually the incredibly talented @scyllas-revenge. It started as a letter writing Ask Game, and is now blowing up into a co-written Eomer x unnamed OC fic.

I've posted my work of Eomer's letter as a ficlet on Ao3 called "A Salvaged Letter", but now I'm probably expanding that into a SMALL multi-part fic. We'll see. Now that I've pulled my beloved Theodred into it, it's hard to resist the urge to write more.

Oh, and the busybody gossipy friend will definitely be an OC self-insert of yours truly. Shamelessly, I'm doing that.

[spicymushroomz]

Mess Ups

Leander Prewett x Reader

Summary: Reader works up the courage to ask Leander Prewett out after 2 years of liking him.

Word Count: 978

Warnings: None

*NOT PROOFREAD

Authors Note: this is my first fic! Please enjoy

You had been going to Hogwarts for only 2 years, and a lot has certainly happened. But the most confusing thing of them all had to be the boy you found yourself in love with.

Leander Prewett. A tall, freckled, red-headed boy in Gryffindor. He was the prefect, and had a tendency to brag. The catch was that he messed up quite a lot. You found it quite endearing.

Your first time seeing him had been in DADA where he and Sebastian Sallow had started dueling. Leander had almost gotten a giant skull dropped on him. If not for Professor Hecat. Your first official meeting however, was in Herbology where he had volunteered to show you the chinese chomping cabbages.

He walked behind you, letting you lead the way as he complimented your dueling against Sebastian in DADA.

“That was quite the duel. It’s nice that somebody finally put Sallow in his place. I would’ve done it myself if not for Professor Hecat.” At his compliment you felt your cheeks flush.

“Thank you Leander. It was actually my first time dueling.” You replied, unable to look him in the eye.

“That’s quite impressive. I hope to see more of your dueling feats.” He said, unaware of the way your heart seemed to leap out of your chest.

That day changed many things for you. As you found yourself catching feelings and constantly seeking out Leander. You thought he was charming. You thought he was charming. His smile, his laugh. You especially loved how even if he failed he still tried again.

Your friends did not share this sentiment.

“Prewett? Really?” Asked Natty in disbelief.

Imelda nodded her head. “I have to agree with Natty. He’s a bumbling idiot, and a fool. He probably puts his shoes on the wrong foot.”

You argued back. “I think he’s dashing. So what if he messes up, don’t you think he’s just adorable?”

They simply looked at you.

You sighed. “He’s very brave. Even though he messes up, even if he’s teased, he still tries. That makes him so very valuable to me.”

You reminisced on a time in your 6th year, when a group of Gryffindors laughed at you for messing up a simple wiggenweld potion.

“What kind of idiot messes that up?” One asked.

“How can the ‘Hero of Hogwarts’ be such a dud?” said another.

You thought it was stupid that it bothered you, it shouldn’t have. You’ve fought trolls and hordes of goblins. You didn’t need the approval of some jealous Gryffindors, and yet you still found yourself crying under a tree afterwards.

Their scrutiny hurt. After all you had done for this school people still didn’t like you. It pained you.

As you sat with your knees against your chest looking at the ground, you felt someone sit next to you. It was Leander. You quickly wiped your tears, embarrassed he had found you in such a state.

“O-Oh Hello Leander.” you said nervously, glancing at him. He looked at you with furrowed brows. “What are you doing here?”

“Garreth told me what happened in potions. Don’t listen to those twats.” He said, looking at the ground in frustration.

“It’s okay. It doesn’t really matter.” You told him. Your heart fluttered at the fact he came to find you.

. “It’s not okay. How could they say that to you?” He turned to look at you. “After everything you’ve done for this school, tf they made fun of you for something as simple as a failed wiggenweld potion then there’s no hope for the rest of us.” he chuckled sadly.

“You’re very sweet.” You told him. Your mind felt lighter at his reassurance.

“I’m jealous of you, you know.” He told you candidly, cracking a cocky grin. “You took everything at Hogwarts like a fish to water. I’ve been using magic my whole life and yet I can never do anything correctly.” He smiled as he said this, but you could see his sadness. “If there’s one thing I learned, It’s that you can’t let people get to you easily.”

He patted your shoulder. “We need to get back to the castle before curfew.”

He stood up, and pulled you to your feet.

You smiled at him. “Thank you for your encouraging words, Leander. For the record, I think you’re a wonderful person.” You saw his face turn fuschia, and you let out a giggle.

Now in your 7th year, you decided you would finally work up the courage to ask him out to Hogsmeade.

It was breakfast, and you made your way over to where Leander sat at the Gryffindor table.

“Hello Leander.” You said, as you nervously fiddled with your fingers. He turned to look at you, face stuffed with toast. You giggled at the sight.

“Yes?” he said, looking at you curiously.

“Well, I-um, I’ve been in love with you since 5th year, and I just was wondering if you wanted to go to Hogsmeade with me later?” You waited a beat.

Leander paused.His face turning fuschia once more. It felt like the entire breakfast hall had gone quiet at this confession.

“You want to go to Hogsmeade…with me?” He asked in disbelief. You nodded your head. He stared at you blankly, unable to comprehend how anybody would want to go out with him. You started to falter. He wasn’t responding, you clearly had embarrassed him. Just as you were going to turn away he finally answered. “Yes!” he answered, a little too enthusiastically. He cleared his throat. “Ah- I mean, of course. I would have to be a fool to say no, and I am no fool.”

You felt elated. “So would 3 o’clock be okay?” You asked happily.

“That would be wonderful.” He said, still bright red.

You gleefully went back to your table, feeling this was the start of something beautiful.

——————————————————————————

I Hope you enjoyed this! It’s a bit short but I think I might do a part 2 where they go to Hogsmeade.

[dreamdepot]

Dreams of the Kingdom - Chapter 24: Beyond Time

Previous < First > Next

AO3 Wattpad or below!

“Hello, [Y/n]. It’s good to finally have a proper conversation with you.”

“Sheik,” you said. “You saved me?”

“Second time now, but I don’t believe in keeping count,” he said with a sly grin. “From what I hear, my name has been passed down even within your family for those protecting Hyrule and carrying out necessary measures in the shadows. Fitting if you ask me; I can’t ask for a greater legacy.” His face fell, a flicker of remorse. “I apologize I couldn’t speak to you more in the pyramid, but my time is very limited. I had to make sure you destroyed Ghirahim to weaken Ganondorf. If I stayed too long, I’m sure he would have taken notice.”

“Didn’t really do much to him,” you muttered. “He had no trouble kicking my ass.”

Sheik shook his head. “Ganondorf always enjoyed to show off, especially if it was to hide a weakness. He puts up a tough front, but you have him scared now. You’ve severely weakened him, between decimating his army and undoing centuries of work he did to prepare for this war of his.”

Even thousands of years afterward, you could tell Ganondorf’s betrayal was still a fresh wound on Sheik’s heart. “Time said that this will finally be the end. You can rest soon, I promise.”

A small smile grew on his face. “Zelda did say you were kind, always seeking to help the people of Hyrule.”

“It’s my sworn duty as prince,” you said. “Hyrule and her people are my family, I’ll do what I can to protect them all, even if it means sacrificing myself to stop Ganondorf.”

“And leave your beloved Link alone?” Your heart turned to ice. “I thought not. That’s not a bad thing, you know. Willing to live for someone is far more noble than willing to die, isn’t it?”

You swallowed hard. “I… suppose so.”

Sheik lifted your chin to look in your eyes. “If there was one thing I hoped to impart in the dreams, it was to not make the same mistakes as I did. You’ve done quite well so far, and you don’t have far left to go.” He took your hand. “Come, Rauru and I always liked to walk and talk. It helps to focus the mind.”

You followed Sheik into the temple, but it melted away around you into a beautiful garden, seemingly in the sky. Looking back where you once were, you didn’t see the jungle of Faron but rather a temple that looked a lot like Hyrule Castle, but if it had been built over millennia. Contrasting architecture and stone all seemed piled on top of each other into a unique building, floating above the clouds. “Beautiful, isn’t it? I’ve always liked how it turned out.”

“Yeah,” you muttered, but your heart wasn’t in it. Your thoughts were a tempest as you wondered what to do.

“Ah, Ganondorf is on your mind, isn’t he?”

“Yeah,” you said again. “What do I do next…”

“Well, seeing him dead’s a good start.” Your head snapped up to Sheik, who laughed. “Oh I loved him, but I’m not so lovesick to not see the bigger picture. No, he needs to be destroyed for good.”

“But how? I can’t even get close to him.”

“Mmm, true.” Sheik pulled his hair back, revealing the burns around his neck. “Thanks to Ganondorf’s curse, it’s impossible for us to attack him directly. Our souls are bound and only destroying him will shatter the bond.”

You groaned. “I know. Any time I try to, he makes my body lock up. If I can’t fight him, then what do I do?”

Sheik smiled. “Ganondorf has always been fated to duel the champion of Hylia and the wielder of the Master Sword – your beloved. That doesn’t mean you’re completely out of the fight though, you have your own part to play.” You raised an eyebrow. “Prince [Y/n], this is going to be a terrible final battle. People are going to need you to lead them. Not to mention, only you are able to break the curse that plagues Hyrule once and for all.”

“The Curse of Demise, right?”

Sheik nodded. “Assemble the Triforce. With it, the Goddesses will grant your deepest desires: a Dream of Power, a Dream of Wisdom, and a Dream of Courage. Remember everything you’ve learned on your journeys, and you will save Hyrule.”

“No pressure,” you laughed weakly. “Just get back two pieces of the Triforce from the embodiment of all evil and find the hidden final piece.” You looked up hopefully. “You… wouldn’t happen to have any hints, would you?”

“Well, since you asked…” Sheik snickered. “I’d start with the fifth sage. Mineru, King Rauru’s sister, is the Sage of Spirit. She was a genius beyond her time and helped me to hide the great divine power. Sonia and Zelda also helped, since we needed a way to hide the Temple as well.”

Suddenly it clicked. “The Triforce of Courage, you’ve been hiding it this whole time.”

Sharpe smiled. “Exactly, not only to keep Ganondorf from obtaining it in my time but in any time in the future. Mineru and I carefully crafted the Shadow Temple to protect it from all invaders. Sonia and Zelda hid the temple until the time you would need it.”

“But wait, the Triforce of Courage was wielded by multiple heroes of the past? Who’s to say it’s still there?”

Sheik shook his head. “Prince [Y/n], you should know the answer to that better than anyone, especially given your boyfriend.”

You thought for a moment, then snapped your fingers. “Sonia’s Recall!”

“Correct, that’s why I needed Sonia. Her ability allowed us to return the Triforce of Courage to the Temple whenever it was not needed for safekeeping. It wasn’t a foolproof strategy. Sonia’s abilities are powerful, but of course, she couldn’t stop the will of the Goddesses. There were times when the Triforce was fully intact and unfortunately Recall couldn’t break that, but it always returned in the end, safe and sound as a last resort for the heroes across time and for you.”

Your heart was starting to pound. Everything now seemed possible, more than a ray of hope to actually see Ganondorf destroyed. “Okay, so we need to find the Shadow Temple. Do that, and the Triforce is as good as ours.”

“It won’t be easy. There are layers to the security of the Shadow Temple. It was meant to be more of a vault really. To even get near the temple, you have to find the hidden path. I can tell you the entrance is near the new – or relatively new – Temple of Time on what you know as the Great Plateau. However, you’ll need to find Mineru. You’ll never get through the first lock without her.”

“How do I find Mineru? Link and I have been all over the sky and the surface…” You thought for a moment. “Wait, Rauru told me her laboratory in the Depths.”

“Correct. As to where…” Sheik smiled, a little devilishly. “Mineru and I were quite close, as she kept the entrance to her laboratory not far from my old home when I was a Dragon Priest. We often looked out for each other. Perhaps you’ll find the answer on the Dracozu River.”

Your mind raced. “This is it, the way we beat Ganondorf. Rauru was right, you had a backup this whole time!”

“Of course. I know Ganondorf better than anyone, and I know he’s a cunning tactician. He’d use whatever he could to get the Triforce, but he has a major weakness.”

“Right,” you said. “He’s obsessed with the past.”

Sheik nodded. “We knew he’d strip Hyrule bare to find it, so we hid it where he could never find it – outside of time itself. You can’t find the Shadow Temple because it doesn’t exist until you unlock it from the stasis Zelda put it in.”

“Then I’ve got to go! I can’t waste time with Ganondorf around.”

Your former self stopped you. “Ah, but before you go, I wanted to give you this.” Sheik produced a band made of a bluish metal. At the center was the winged crest of the royal family, minus the Triforce.

It was lighter than it looked and slipped easily onto your wrist. As soon as it did, it seemed to tighten a bit. It felt perfect next to your scars from the Triforce. “It looks like the ones the Sheikah monks wear. I think I saw Ravio wearing something similar too.”

Sheik laughed. “I wouldn’t try merging into walls with this one. This is the Band of Hylia, the Goddesses asked me to pass this on to you.”

“It’s nice, but… what does it do?”

“That, I’m afraid, I don’t know, but…” He reached forward and pressed his fingers to the winged crest. The crest glowed softly. “I imagine it was for an important reason. Perhaps protection, perhaps a weapon. They said they wished to even the playing field a bit, but only you would know what to do with it. Though Lady Din did say something about giving Ganondorf a taste of his own medicine.”

“Heh, if that’s what she said, I can’t wait to try it.” You studied the bluish metal, tapping it with your finger. “It almost seems like it’s made of Timeshift Stone, but it’s metal instead of crystal.”

“I’m sure you’ll be able to figure it out when the time is right. Now, I believe you have a swordsman waiting for you.”

Your heart skipped a beat. “Right, I need to go.” You bowed to Sheik. “Thank you, it’s not going to be easy, but I won’t let you down.”

“Remember, I am always with you.” Sheik said, embracing you. “All of Hyrule across time is with you. Together, we will see Ganondorf fall, once and for all.”

The temple began to blur around you, the light growing brighter and brighter. A warm breeze enveloped you, whisking you away. By the time you opened your eyes again, you were standing at the entrance to Lookout Landing. The blood moon high above you now began to wane, all thanks to you weakening Ganondorf’s power.

You wasted no time, running back inside the fort; this time throwing stealth to the side. Behind you the guards started shouting and chasing after you, but you barely heard them. Instead, you skidded on the deck and threw open the door to Purah’s lab.

“Holy shit!” Purah hissed, dropping her tea. “What’s wrong? You just left!” You slammed the door behind you and latched it.

“Time travel, long story. No questions. Where’s Link?”

“Time… travel… the fuck are you talking about?!” Purah spluttered. Instead, you pushed past her to where all of the Sages statues had been moved. Despite them being lined up, you had tunnel vision for one. Before you knew it your hands were on the frozen Link’s chest.

“Please… please…”

Slowly, the cold stone began to warm. Bit by bit, color returned to the statue. Link slowly blinked, coming back to life. “Link!” You cried, pulling him into your arms. “Link, I’m so glad you’re safe!”

But the swordsman stood stiffly and did not hug you back. “Do I know you?”

“What?” You pushed back.

“Just kidding,” he said with a weak laugh, before pulling you tightly against him.

“Stupid ass,” you huffed, resting your head on his shoulder. Link was quiet, but you could feel something wet on your cheek. “Hey… it’s alright, we’re back together and safe.”

“You could’ve died somewhere in the distant past – or worse!” Only you could catch the way his voice cracked for just a moment. “Being an echo or whatever… stuck like that. I couldn’t do anything to help you!”

“But I didn’t and having you with me was enough.” You said quietly, trying to keep your voice steady and strong for him. You gently brushed his hair, playing with it just the way he liked it.

“I can’t believe you risked everything to save me.”

“Of course I would Link,” You soothed. “Don’t you know by now? I love you. It doesn’t matter if you lose your memories or if it’s across the seas of time, I’ll love you from now to eternity.”

Suddenly, Link’s lips crashed into yours, needy and desperate. It felt as if you were drowning in his embrace, and you couldn’t help but succumb to the storm of his passion. When he finally broke away, you could only gasp for breath. “I love you too, for all time… and I plan to show you just how much…”

“Ahem,” Purah coughed.

Link blushed furiously. “Sorry Purah.”

The scientist picked up the broken porcelain chunks of her teacup. “Listen, I get it, but please save it for after, huh?”

“Right,” you said, gently extricating yourself from Link. “We do need to help our friends.” You turned to each of the sages, starting with Yunobo, who seemed rather precariously balanced. Touching his forehead brought down the red light from the air, filling him and reverting the curse.

“Yipes!” He squeaked, barely stopping himself in time from toppling over onto Purah’s table. “What… what happened? Your majesty, you… wow! You look amazing! Those look like some real quality gems, goro!”

You hugged him. “Glad to have you back, I’ll let you take a look at the new armor later.” You then turned to Riju.

The yellow light engulfed her, and she slumped back against the wall. “That was far from pleasant,” she muttered, stretching. “Prince [Y/n], you weren’t hurt, were you?”

“No, I’m alright. Got a lot of stories to tell you. Did you know one of your ancestors was an oracle and possibly a goddess?”

She blinked but quickly composed herself with a grin. “Does that really surprise you?”

“No, no it doesn’t.” You then made for Tulin, filling him with the green light.

The little Rito yawned wide. “Five more minutes mom…”

“Up and at ‘em buddy. We’ve got work to do.”

He blinked sleepily at you, then looked around. “How did I get in the crazy scientist lady’s house?”

Purah shot a look at you and Link. “Okay, which of you gave him the idea to call me that.”

Link shrugged. “Is it a lie?”

Before Purah could respond, you turned to Sidon. No sooner had the blue light restored him did you find yourself in another crushing hug. “My dear friend! You’re okay!”

“I should be saying that to you!” You wheezed, struggling for air.

“I’m going to have a new statue sculpted in your honor, for breaking the curse on us all!”

“It better not be like the last one.”

Sidon’s eyes burned with mischief. “Not if Muzu retires with father.”

With all the sages freed, you turned to the Master Sword, still on Link’s back. You touched it but nothing happened. You tried again, yet despite your touch, the sword remained as a stone block. “She’s still frozen,” you muttered. “I guess that means we still need the last flame. I’m sorry Link.”

Link shook his head. “Don’t worry, she’s stronger than that. She always comes back, just like you.” He took your hand, looking into your eyes as if you were the only person in the world… despite the ribbing from the sages in the background.

Purah cleared her throat again. “So, before the Prince and Linky decide to put on a show for everyone-” Cue a whistle from Riju. “-can someone please explain what’s going on.”

It took some time to explain the whole story, and thankfully Purah set out some food for everyone. “And that’s how I ended up back home,” you said with a sip of your tea.

“I can’t believe it,” Sidon muttered. “Ganondorf truly is waging total war with nothing to lose. To threaten not only us but the past…”

“Lucky you were able to stop him!” Yunobo said.

Tulin nodded eagerly. “And you saved Kass!”

“I’m just glad to be home after all that, and that you guys are safe.” You said. “And thankfully, only some minor losses on the way.”

Link perked up. “Oh yeah, you told me about losing your reaver. I’ll make you a better one, promise. Think I saw a Silver Lynel on the Rabia Plains, bet that’ll make an awesome sword for you.”

“Eh, not just that. My Sheikah armor is ruined. Actually, I think I accidentally left them back in the Twilight Realm.”

Link looked devastated. “We have to go to Kakariko Village immediately.”

Purah slammed her hands on the table, glaring at Link. “Five minutes, Linky, please.” She then turned to you. “As for you, after this is all over, you are so taking me to the Gate of Time.”

“I’m pretty sure the Hero of Time will kill me if I let you time travel.”

“Oh, come on! You can’t tell me you don’t want to see what the Sheikah were like at the height of their empire! Think of the technology!”

You sipped your tea. “Oh I am, that’s exactly why I’m not taking you. The horrors we’d release on the world…”

==============================

After a not-so-restful night, you awoke for once in your own bed, Link wrapped around you. You couldn’t help the smile blossoming on your face. Everything in you said, this was right. This was the way things should be…

You threaded your fingers through his hair, gently slipping his hair band back on. Slowly, your knight rose from slumber, looking at you with pure adoration. “Good morning beautiful.”

You kissed him gently. “Maybe I should save your life more often if you’re this cuddly afterward.”

“Nah, it’s not about that. It’s more that I have a secret weakness.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah, it’s for handsome warrior princes who are charming, smart, brave, cute…”

You shoved a pillow in his face. “Okay, now you’re just trying to get me riled up.”

He peeked out from the pillow. “You can still get riled up after last night? I’m clearly losing my touch.”

��I’m gonna shove you off the bed if you keep this up.”

Link anchored himself around your waist. “Oh really?”

“Touché.” You ceded his victory for now, nestling in his arms for a big longer. Soon enough, you would need to leave and begin your next quest, but this time it would be with Link at your side, as things should be. “Link, I trust you with everything I have. Do you trust me?”

“To the end of time itself, my prince.”

You flipped over to look him in the eyes. “We are equal, partners in everything my love. Together, we can overcome anything. Trust me to have your back the same way I trust you to have mine.”

“Of course I do, I just-”

“No. Link, we have to do this together. Ganondorf thinks he can keep us divided by playing on our roles as Prince and Knight. He baited us before by tricking us into charging in, worrying about protecting each other. By doing that, he made me his pawn and made you Hyrule’s final and only defense. Only by unconditional trust are we going to defeat Ganondorf.”

Link nodded. “Together then.”

You embraced him. “Hand in hand.” You thought for a moment. “Well, together is exactly the answer – with everyone.”

“What do you mean?”

“If Ganondorf is going to fight us with an army, then we need one of our own. First step is finding the Fifth Sage.”

Link nodded. “The Sage of Spirit, okay. Where do we even begin?”

An uneasy laugh slipped out as you thought about Sheik’s advice. “Well… about that. Not sure if you’re gonna like the answer…”

==============================

The ride south to Faron was easy enough, and your horses were happy for the long but easy run. Link, however, grew steadily more stoic the closer you got. “Link, please don’t pout.”

“I’m not pouting.”

Admittedly he wasn’t, but your knight wasn’t the type to pout – unless he was trying to get you to make him more food. Instead, he put up his soldier façade, reminding you of how he was when he lost his memories. You sighed as you brought your horses to a stop near the Popla Foothills. With Faron and the Dracozu River being more swamp-like, it wasn’t safe for your horses to make the last bit of the trip. “I’m telling you, he doesn’t have eyes for me.”

Suddenly, Link spun you around, trapping you against your trusty steed. “Good. Because you’re mine.”

You grabbed his Champion’s Leathers, pulling him close to you. “And you’re mine. If you think I’m gonna let some himbo researcher come between us after I literally crossed time, you might still have some rocks in that pretty little head of yours. Now be a good boy and play nice.” You released him, revealing a wide-eyed Link. You even heard a little whimper squeak out of him. You tightened your belt on your Climbing Gear – the Royal Armor would not have been a good idea in the humid swamp – and leapt into the air, paragliding down to the lake. You barely landed when you heard a commotion.

“Your majesty! Sir Link!” Tauro sloshed through the shallow lake, not caring about how much he was splashing all over himself. “Am I glad to see you!”

“Tauro!” You greeted. “How’s your expedition coming?”

“Fantastic, your majesty, you’ve got to see this. Come, this way!” Tauro barreled forward, slipping in the water before sloshing back to the entrance to a hidden altar. You could only shake your head, choosing to walk around on the lakeside instead. Link followed, a bit stiffly. Looking at the ruins, you couldn’t help but wonder what it was like for Sheik to live here. You could remember the feeling of how sad he was when he was forced to leave for the Gerudo Desert.

Tauro eagerly awaited you in the secret room. “This is the culmination of my research. Thanks to you allowing us to investigate the Ring Ruins and now the Dracozu Ruins, I’ve got a whopper of a discovery on the hook here! Look at this Zonai mural, complete with intact text!” He knelt down before a large relief, depicting a Dragon Priest at prayer. “I had a chance to decipher the text, though I’m a bit at a loss. Here, let me read it so we’re on the same page.”

He cleared his throat. “‘Wear the electric garb hidden at long-necked dragons along the wide-mouth forest serpent.’ That must be the tall dragon sculptures we see throughout the region, though I’m not exactly sure of what they mean by serpent. There’s so much snake and dragon iconography in Zonai architecture, it could be any of them! Luckily, I have been able to find the pieces of the ceremonial dress in my excavation.”

“Weren’t there lots of Lizalfos in this area?”

Tauro laughed. “I’m from Lurelin, we know how to deal with them. Besides, you didn’t think these muscles were for nothing, did you?”

“Good point,” you said, noticing Link starting to clench his jaw. Eager to change the subject, you asked, “Okay so what else does it say?”

“Ah yes, then it says, ‘Offer a Zonai Charge to the altar at the tail.’ I haven’t quite found that yet.”

“The river,” Link suggested. “The serpent could be the river. It’d make sense if you found all the pieces here, so the altar must be down where the river meets the Floria River.”

Tauro snapped his fingers. “Of course! The river, you’re a genius Link! I’m sure following the river will unlock the secret of this temple!” he took your hand and Link’s. “I’m so lucky to have friends like you to help with these discoveries! Come on, we’ve got to get to the altar!” Tauro nearly drug the two of you with him as he ran out of the temple.

==============================

A short but wet hike later, you arrived at the final altar. The storm over the skies of Faron seemed especially rough today, and the usual rain had become a typhoon. While you and Link wrung water out of your hair and clothes, Tauro fished around in his pack. “Oh this is so exciting, we’re on the brink of a discovery, I can feel it! Just… a… moment…” He reached in and fished out a small bundle of fabric. “Da-da-da-dum! The ceremonial robes of the last Dragon Priest! I was hoping to wear it myself, but I’m afraid I’m a bit too… big.”

Admittedly, there was no way it was going to fit over that chest of his. You took the sarong in your hands, recognizing it instantly. “Link… this belonged to Sheik.”

“Then you should be the one to wear it.”

Tauro, oblivious, added, “I think either of you would look very nice in it.”

“I’ll just get changed then… if you guys don’t mind…?” You held back your laugh as Link shoved Tauro outside.

The Charged set was old, but you could feel the power thrumming through it. You slipped on the robes, as if second nature – though you were sure it was Sheik helping you. You finished by fixing the horned headdress and smoothing out the wrinkles on the sarong. “Ready!”

The two entered and Link’s jaw dropped first, speechless. He seemed torn about whether to stare at you or find a blindfold to tie over Tauro. The researcher meanwhile clapped. “Fantastic, you look straight out of the wall murals!”

“Mhmm…” Link mumbled.

You pulled out a Zonai Charge, mostly to keep yourself from laughing at Link’s reaction. “So, I just offer it?”

“That’s all the mural said, hopefully it’s just that easy,” Tauro said.

You mounted the steps and climbed to the altar. You placed the Charge gently on the metal plate, noting how it seemed more technological than religious. Words came to your mouth naturally. “In the name of Farosh, I command you cease!”

The smell of ozone filled the air. You could hear sparks starting to fly outside. “I wonder what that is,” Tauro said, taking a step to the door.

“Wait!” Both you and Link shouted together.

A loud crashing boom shook the room and you down to your bones. The three of you froze for a moment as the thunderclap echoed. Your ears rang, but as the tinnitus cleared, you could hear… silence. The rains had stopped.

You led the others outside as the clouds began to part. The thunderhead above Faron dispersed, revealing a new archipelago of sky islands as the sun shone on the Faron jungles for the first time since the Upheaval.

“A… weather machine! The Zonai created a way to control the weather! This is fantastic!” Tauro shouted. “Please excuse me, I’ve got to write this down. Thank you so much for your help! Ah! Can’t wait to tell my boyfriend!” Tauro dashed off back to his camp, muttering to himself with what was likely the first of many theories.

“Did he say boyfriend?” Link asked, a bit shocked.

You, meanwhile, focused on the sky islands. “There must be a hint to Mineru’s laboratory up there,” you said. “Even Ganondorf’s monsters would have trouble getting there. Now how do we get there?”

Link embraced you from behind, his voice slightly raspy. “Later.”

“But the way is open? Shouldn’t we-”

“Later.” As Link hastily pulled you back into the altar room. You figured that Link had found a new favorite armor for you to wear.

==============================

A/N: Another Saturday chapter, hoping to be back to a normal schedule soon. Work continues to be a bit of a bear.

Next week: From the sky to the depths, time to find the Sage of Spirit and face

[irenethewoman]

Mrs. Shelby- Chapter 18 - The Russians

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I grabbed Tommy's sleeve, whispered, "Tell Arthur no one blames him. I actually thought his speech was okay."

Tommy seemed to smile, a twitch at the corner of his mouth. I sat at the head, watching my husband and a guest lock eyes, the man looking away before turning towards me.

"Serve the dinner," I said, signaling the maid. I arranged the seating myself; I didn't know that man, definitely not within the guest range. Better not be Churchill; if he ruins my wedding night, there will be trouble.

"Good evening, Polly."

"Good evening, you look dazzling, dear." Polly handed me a drink; we chatted by the bar. "You were late because... hmm? Oh, you're still so easily embarrassed."

I touched my warm cheeks, murmuring, "Tommy ruined my favorite dress."

I could tell Polly hesitated, feeling I had the right to know what would happen tonight but not wanting to spoil my wedding night.

Seems like today is truly unforgettable.

"Is something going to happen tonight?" I asked. "Tommy has been anxious all day."

"You're too sharp, Darby. It makes people feel inadequate." Polly shook her head, sadly smiling. "Russian royalists, you know."

I nodded, aware of the exiled Russian aristocrats wandering in Europe, seeking support for a futile attempt to reclaim their lost power.

"Is Tommy doing business with them?" What kind of business? Alcohol, horse racing, or heroin?

Polly nodded. "Starting tonight."

Heavens! After all this time in exile, couldn't they wait one more night!

"Dani, Tommy didn't tell you to avoid worrying you. He prefers facing things alone." Seeing my strange expression, Polly explained.

"Not anymore, Polly. I'm Shelby, Diana Shelby."

Polly looked at me with a mix of warmth, pride, and concern, like a mother watching her just-married daughter. "Thomas Shelby made quite a catch, dear."

"Ladies and gentlemen, time for the newlyweds' dance." The announcer's voice interrupted; I adjusted my dress.

"Go, Diana, you can at least enjoy this dance."

Tommy held my waist, almost making me lean into him. I loved being close to him, just like how Charlie loves sticking to me.

"Do you hide some little secrets with your wife, Mr. Shelby?"

Tommy quickly responded, explaining and confessing, "They came uninvited."

"Don't make too much noise, Tommy. This involves secrecy; don't let those drunken bags of wind notice. Do you need me to do anything?"

"Enjoy the dance and our wedding night, Mrs. Shelby." He kissed my lips. "I'm sorry this happened on your first day as Mrs. Shelby."

"It's not your fault, Tommy."

As the announcer allowed everyone to join the dance, Tommy was about to leave.

We exchanged a kiss. "Stay safe, and smoke less, Tommy."

"You too."

I watched his solitary figure with worry.

I wanted to advise him to stop because once we entered the game of power, there was no turning back. We'd become pawns, climbing the peaks of power to survive. But I didn't want to worry him, disturb his thoughts.

I'll be with him. Even if hell awaits, I'll jump with him.

This is why I chose Mei Carlton and Edward Collins as our children's godparents—to protect Charlie if anything happened to us. "It's over, right?"

I hugged Tommy from behind; he covered my hands with his.

"Yes."

I wanted to ask about Churchill and the king's stance, what kind of business they were getting into, and the possibility of us extricating ourselves from the political mess afterward. But what came out of my mouth was different.

"So, it's finally our wedding night, right?"

When he entered my body, I could see his face clearly. His blue eyes were filled with apologies and tenderness. I raised my hand, touching his face. He must be tired, planning and worrying. There were traces of white hair at his temples. He's only 31...

He's tired enough. Let's talk about tomorrow another day.

I leaned back, kissing him.

"You've worked hard, my husband."

I held Charlie, watching Tommy and them leave at the door.

"Say goodbye to Dad, Charlie." I waved Charlie's chubby little hand. "And Uncle Arthur, Uncle John, and Aunt Polly."

"No need to wait for me recently; get some rest early." Tommy kissed me, patting our son's head.

I didn't expect to end up being a housewife so similar to my mother.

Tommy was determined not to involve me in their illicit income, and he kept political matters from me. With Charlie being our only child and a target for many, I couldn't trust a nearly stranger to care for him.

I wanted to work alongside my husband, manage the business, negotiate with politicians. But for now, my role was to provide a stable rear, ensuring he had no worries.

Looking at the mountain of letters on the desk, remembering last night, Tommy rejected my request to join the company. He wanted me to run the Shelby Charity Foundation.

"Tommy, you know I want to help..."

"Building the Shelby Charity Foundation is a huge help, my dear."

"You can assign the legitimate business to Michael, or Finn, or ask Ada to come back..."

"Dani," he cupped my face, looking into my eyes, "if our son ever wonders about our work, let him despise me alone."

"You're a Baroness in the clear, the perfect mother for our child. Leave all the troubles to me. If I'm not around..."

I quickly covered his mouth. "Don't talk nonsense on such a joyous day."

"You go back to London or Yorkshire, live a clean life with Charles." Tommy removed my hand, gently kissing it.

"You won't... we're going to live a long life together, remember? You'll be fine, nothing will happen..."

He just looked at me.

We were both afraid of death because it was within reach now. It was real, so it was terrifying.

Desperately, I thought.

John has stirred up trouble with the Italians.

Tommy didn't tell me, so I pretended not to know. But, in reality, I have my own sources in both Birmingham and London, providing information about politics, social affairs, and "business."

"How was your day?" Tommy, unusually home early, lay on my lap, eyes closed, enjoying my massage.

"Not too bad. Charlie was well-behaved today." I raised an eyebrow, even though he couldn't see. "Oh, I think we can make some changes to our courtyard. I want to plant a rose garden and set up a swing. The charity event had a good response; everyone I wrote to replied." Well, isn't that normal? Tommy rules Birmingham, and I'm the Baroness from London. A powerful alliance, making the Shelbys the most sought-after.

"A busy day, huh?" Tommy sat up. "To reward your hard work, my dear, close your eyes."

"Oh, come on! After all these years, you still come up with these odd surprises." I said it, but I obediently closed my eyes.

"Just because we've been married for ages doesn't mean we don't need surprises, Shelby. Okay, open your eyes."

Before me lay a Tanzanite necklace, a large uncut Tanzanite hanging beneath a diamond necklace.

"Where did you get this?" I'd never had such jewelry before. Usually, I carefully cut gemstones into beautiful patterns and set them in gold or silver grooves. All the diamonds on my most precious diamond necklace were cut from a large diamond.

"You can wear it to the charity dinner." Tommy embraced me from behind.

"Charity event? Tommy, this is too grand." I turned to him, smiling, then looked down at the gem on my neck. It looks like a miner's windfall... but it's really beautiful.

"This is damn Birmingham, Dani. Only those unfortunate folks care about taste. When meeting the king, I won't let you look like a nouveau riche."

"What should I give you in return, Tommy?" I pushed him onto the couch, then pinned him down, fingers circling his abdomen. I watched the movement of his Adam's apple with satisfaction.

He glanced at my chest, not with good intentions. "Anything will do."

The next day, Tommy pulled me out of bed.

"I'm tired..." I waved my hand with my eyes closed. "Don't bother me."

But he persistently woke me up. "Aren't you going to work?" I sat on the bed, looking at him gloomily with disheveled hair.

"I'm off today, accompanying you and Charlie."

"You don't have to..."

"I know you won't be a resentful wife, I know you won't blame me, you can handle Charlie alone..." Tommy held my face, "but I need to do this. I am your husband, Charlie's father, and this is what a husband and father should do, right?"

"..."

It made me uncomfortable. Tommy's love for me was always silent, seen in the details. Now it's like a last-minute request before death.

"Tommy," I stopped him, and he turned. "What's wrong?"

"I won't let you die. I swear, we can start over from scratch if necessary." I hope he lets go of this matter.

I'm serious. If Churchill or others dare to harm Tommy, with my own strength, I can save him. As long as he's alive, there's hope, and we can start over from scratch.

His gaze softened. "I believe you, Dani, I believe."

... He doesn't believe, he's just comforting me.

"The police from London came to the office and took Tommy away?"

"Tommy said it was the Russians." Although Tommy warned John not to call me, he still did.

"... Tommy will come back, don't worry."

It's just a threat. They'll release my husband; they still need him to work for them.

After hanging up with John, I called Churchill.

For Tommy and me, as long as there is no danger to life, doing business with anyone is no different. We don't care about each other's identity. But the king, and Churchill, are different. They staunchly oppose the Bolsheviks. Besides fearing their political system collapsing like Russia's, they don't want a government with different demands to exist. In the recent war, Russia and Britain stood together. If another war broke out, no one knew if today's Russia would stand opposite Britain.

But these things can't be known to the public. So they found Tommy, wanted him to act secretly.

Arms, or money. I lean more towards the former.

Just like what Tommy did before, rob arms, then sell them.

Even though I've always thought my sister-in-law Linda is a bit of a charlatan, she said one thing right, "Devil's work is done in the dark." Doing things in the dark means safety can't be guaranteed. You can kill in the dark, and someone might be waiting to kill you from behind.

"Madam, young master Charles is looking for you again." Jenny's appearance interrupted my thoughts.

I followed her to Charles's nursery, picked him up, and soothed him. Charles's pillows and blankets were all wrinkled by his fussiness. I handed my son to the maid, started tidying the bed, and unexpectedly found a piece of paper. I picked it up, read the words on it, and felt my blood freeze.

It was a card from the crematorium, with "Rest in peace, Charles Shelby" written on the back.

Tommy came back, rushing into Charles's bedroom.

I followed him, standing by his side.

"Are you looking for this?" I handed him the note I found this afternoon. "We are being watched, Tommy."

"They threatened my son, Tommy. To be honest, Tommy, if I could, I really want to kill them all. Damn Russians, monarchists, Russo-British War." I leaned on Charles's small bed, looking out of the window, softly speaking. "What a nonsense about restoring the monarchy, and they have to resort to threatening a child. Restore? Hmph..."

"Nothing will happen." Tommy hugged me.

They know each other, and I think I know where the gem on my neck came from.

"Your lady is beautiful, just like the gem on her neck."

"Thank you." I smiled confidently, accepting the Duchess's ambiguous compliment. I'm not the delicate rose protected so well by Tommy. She doesn't even know me but wants to provoke me.

Rest assured, as long as I'm alive, Thomas Shelby won't sleep with you. He only loves me.

Tommy tried to get me away, called Ada to take me, and I obediently went elsewhere to talk to others.

"You have to take off the necklace." Tommy suddenly said to me.

"Why?" I stared at him.

It's not that I'm unwilling, but this big gemstone disappearing from my neck will surely cause endless inquiries. I hate trouble.

But he insisted.

"Okay, if it makes you feel better." I lowered my head, letting him help me take off the necklace.

"I just want you safe, Dani. I need you." Tommy kept using sweet words to comfort me.

"I'm not angry, dear," I kissed his lips, "I know... I know, Mr. Shelby, all I ask for is

this." That we all live peacefully.

Unconsciously, people in the hall are almost gone.

Suddenly, a waiter shouted, "For Arthur!" Holding a gun, he aimed at Tommy. Arthur lunged, but the man still fired.

It can't be Tommy! No...

After the gunshot, I lay in Tommy's arms with one hand covering my bloody shoulder.

"Tommy, it hurts... Tommy... hurts..." I smelled the gunpowder in the air, along with the scent of blood, mixed with the perfume on my body, Tommy's tobacco, champagne, and floral scents.

"Tommy..." I felt my eyelids heavy...

You have to live well; this family needs you...

[trials-of-a-spirit-worker]

Hey! Before i ask my question-

I just wanna say, I love your account, it has really helped me with my journey in witchcraft.

Now to the question:

I really need some help rn:

Some girl did me absoloutely DIRTY and spread lies about me, so im gonna put a hex on her. I know the most important stuff, but a few days ago i found a dead wasp in my room so i have one question:

How do you use dead wasps/ bugs in hexes?

You dont have to answer this, but it would really help me rn!!

Hello anon!

Sorry I didn't answer sooner, my job is very high stress and time consuming. Totally my bad. Was not ignoring you in the slightest.

I'm glad to have helped you. That makes me very happy to hear.

I'm going to be honest though, I personally wouldn't use the dead wasp. It's not like you found it on the street and was like ha Imma get that person. It was found in your room.

Now...my slightly paranoid ass would assume that shit was an omen or attack or some shit. I don't know. I see something like that and I'm like some shit might be going down. I'd cleanse the little fucker and my room and get it out of my vicinity.

Then again, I had a history with someone who used bugs in their shitty intentions against me so that could be just a me thing as well. That was when I was young, dumb and inexperienced as fuck though.

(also I just do not like bugs, we do not vibe)

As to the answer you seek on what to do with this dead wasp:

Dead buggies are (imo) more suitable for flat out curses. Like...that goes beyond "bitch keep my name out your mouth" to "I will fuck up everything that makes you happy."

But your journey and craft is yours. So do as you see fit. I just highly recommend you cleanse like hell afterwards.

You can use the dead bug as a symbol of your anger/betrayed feeling coming back to the lie spreader.

Get real creative with it: Use the stinger as the bite of their lies now being turned onto them. Or even your own attack.

Take the wings and crush them over a taglock of the person as if to ground the person's lies. May lies fly out of the mouth no more.

Those are my first thoughts.

Like I said, be sure to cleanse yourself afterwards. Don't want that bad energy on you.

When it comes to spells and shit, try and think outside the box. Put a nasty little spin on it, almost like a signature on your own personalized fuck you if you're brave enough.

Do make sure to ward/protect yourself first and foremost. Sometimes even if they don't know it, your target could have something to reflect energy especially if the intent is to hex or harm.

You'd be surprised.

Better to be safe than sorry, honestly. I've made the mistake myself of just hexing without a ward or two. I learned.

Never spellwork when blind with emotion. That's how you fuck up. Witchcraft is all intention and that's all well and good but emotions can really fuck up the mind if you allow them to.

By all means, put your emotion into a spell; it's a powerful tool. Hell, I've used the intensity of my love for my spouse as a ward for them. I've thought of all the things that make me laugh and happy to bless my nephew. Emotions are a damn good tool.

Just don't let it get out of control.

At any rate, good luck. I hope this helps!

I also hope this made sense, I need to stop posting in the middle of the night/early morning. Shit be looking live drunk texts sometimes...

[chelseafcwmemes]

“When you travel around the world, you are often reminded of how lovely Denmark really is” Part 2

At one point I demanded to have my hair cut short so I could look like the players on the screen. It continued like this for a few years, until one day my older sister told me that there was also a national team for women. Then I let the hair grow back.''

If you were to move to another place in Denmark? "When my sports career ends and I have to return to Denmark, I would like to live in Aarhus or Copenhagen. Sometimes people ask why I bother to come forward, but I'm so screwed up that if there's something I want to change, I'll do it myself. If nobody does anything, nothing happens either.''

What do you miss when you are abroad?

"Rye bread. My partner is from Sweden, and she cannot understand that you can be full from a few slices of rye bread in the middle of the day. She wants hot food for lunch. But I love a rye bread meal with a good curry herring or a fish fillet with remoulade.'

'Which season do you enjoy the most?

"Summer. I grew up in the middle of Jutland, so I always had an hour and a half drive to the sea, but my parents liked to drive that trip to get to the water. Not least in the summer months, when you could swim. During the summer holidays we always went camping in Italy, and as an adult I also love to travel. Every summer I make sure to spend at least a week in Denmark, because I love the Danish summer light, but I also make sure to go abroad, so I'm sure to get some sun and warmth.

'Where in the country would you like to go? like to be buried?

"I don't think much about death. In fact, I try to avoid thinking about it. I'm not the type to believe that anything happens afterwards. Unfortunately. Otherwise, it could be nice if you went to a nice place and saw all the people you've cared about again. My mother's family was quite religious, and so is my mother actually, but I did not inherit that faith. Therefore, I also have the opinion that you should enjoy and get the most out of life while you have it. You do that by being in the moment and being grateful for the things you have, and trying not to be upset about all the things you don't have. There will always be something you wish was better or different, but if you get stuck in those thoughts, it will be difficult to be satisfied with the life you live. But of course you have to seek out the dreams you have. That's what life is all about. And when I have to leave here, I want to be buried in Ikast. My grandparents also lie there, and my parents will probably lie there too, so somehow there is a sense of security in knowing that is where I am going. Then the ring is just like over.'

[anemoi-i]

Rain Towards Dawn - The First Day -

Diluven | Rated M | No Reposts.

In which a So-Called-God seeks the approval of a mortal, like that has not gone wrong.

Warnings: Depictions of graphic violence, religious references and imagery, canon divergent. Some formatting may be different from the aO3 version.

Part One | Part Two [Here] | Part Three | Part Four

– The First Day –

Woe be to the So-Called-God.

There was commotion in the walls of Mondstadt City.

There was an effort by the people to clean up a mess that made it’s way into the city without any warning. The people could not explain it. How did a storm come to pass with no one being knowledgeable abou t it? Why didn’t it awaken anyone else? The whole shopping area of the city was in chaos. When Venti entered the city and he saw the Ordo helping with the cleanup, he sighed, looking around.  I couldn’t even ask myself if I did this. I know that I did it. The damage wasn’t significant but it was still there. I felt guilty. This is why I didn’t like to get angry.

Without hesitation, Venti grabbed a bag and began to place broken wood into into it, ignoring the glances directed his way. Why was it so surprising for them to see him helping out? He resisted saying anything aloud and directed his attention to the pile of garbage at his feet. He worked quicker than even the Ordo which made some of them annoyed enough to go and find other tasks to do. I’ll tell you this, Diluc and I are alike in the sense that the Ordo annoys us. He distrusts them for suitable reasons. I dislike them for the very reason that I had to sink to my knees and heal Acting Grandmaster Jean after she collapsed at her desk, shouldering their burdens they could have taken care of themselves. They always left tasks a child could do to her. No God would be able to help them should there be an intervention. I am that God and I am not happy.

Within an hour’s time, the debris was cleared and Mondstadt City returned to being the bustling street Venti loved so much. The people went about their day as if nothing happened and the carefree atmosphere returned. Passing by Good Hunter, Venti was handed a Mondstadt Hash Brown in exchange for a song, to which he sang with beauty. Those that had their breakfast there would marvel at his voice. He left afterwards, eating the food he were given. Venti chose to eat later in the afternoon, either hunting for his own food or travelling to the Springvale Hunter’s Guild to buy some with the mora he kept on reserve. He smiled, for songs could still be payment for certain things.

Being a bard, after all, was a job. One he did well.

The true rise of bards came after the fall of Old Mondstadt. Those that lived created the songs about the new land free from Decarabian’s reign and the Ascension of the Anemo Archon. They shaped the first songs that would be sung at taverns and the streets and everywhere else. Venti’s beloved bard also contributed to this, but he died before he could make his songs known. He could not see the fruits of his labor. He did not see the clear sky and for this, Venti wept. There is not a single song from him I cannot remember. I carved each word in my mind and stitched the notes into my fingers so that my body would play his songs even if I were a corpse mangled on the ground.

Exchanging a song for a meal or drink was considered a beggar’s tactic these days. Now, it’s important to note that the exchange existed for as long as Mondstadt has been around after Decarabian’s fall, but very little wanted to remember the roots today. He was happy when Sara remembered it. Even Margaret was knowledgeable, offering a drink to Venti once a week in exchange for his best songs sung at The Cat’s Tail. He didn’t bother try to see if that tradition could have held up at Angel’s Share (and he was no longer welcome, anyways) so instead, Venti sang for coin and then used that coin to get his drinks. He'd accumulated enough for a reserve, and then only went into it when he wanted to drink or if he did not want to hunt for food.

There were times when he gained mora in less than a noble way.

There was a stupid Treasure Hoarder camp stationed near Falcon Coast on a hot night. The fishermen came here because of the serenity of the coast, which allowed them an easier catch while others came to dip their feet in the lake. At this time, Venti cordoned off the Golden Apple Archipelago with storms, not wishing to deal with another mirage or other foolishness that happened the last year that was out of his control. As such, the people would have to use the lake here to cool their bodies. A perfect opportunity to steal valuables from them. Forseeing what would happen, Venti pretended to be an oblivious traveler, allowed one of the Treasure Hoarders to approach him, and—

—Leaped upon him for I had nothing left to lose.

He took his fingers and scratched up the Hoarder’s face repeatedly. The Hoarder screamed, clutching his bloodied face in agony, with new scratches beginning to form and bleed even as he was doing that. Venti fought much like taverngoers about to get into a nasty brawl. Not pretty, messy and brutal and not for the weak-hearted. When the Hoarder tried to fight back, going for his face, Venti grabbed the offending hand and twisted it, causing a horrifying snap of bone. And then I balled my hand into a fist and punched that Hoarder until his face was bloody and he was crying for whichever God would be stupid enough to listen to him, because it sure as hell wasn’t going to be me. I dragged him back to the camp and placed my foot on his face and dug my heel into his cheek which threatened to break skin and ordered the other two Hoarders to give me the mora they stole, threatening their friend’s life and after it was given to me, threw their beat up friend at them and told them the Sisters healed for free.

Venti is not uncaring or greedy. He tried to trace back the mora to whoever the Hoarders stole it from, was able to anonymously return half of it, and then kept the rest for himself in his reserve. He drunk heavy that night, attempting to wash down the guilt. It didn’t work. It never works. His drinking became minimal, when he actually wanted to enjoy it.

He doesn’t like remembering that night.

Venti makes his way to the square where his statue stood tall. He took out his lyre and played for the small crowd that gathered upon seeing him. He could always draw crowds. They began to place mora at his feet though he didn’t even place his cap down and began to ask him to sing various songs he was accustomed to. He performed every one, beginning to dance as he played, feeling enjoyment. The previous memories lay unforgotten as he performed. The crowd kept cheering for him and left mora at his feet and some taverngoers who knew him also gave him the apples they had on their person, knowing how much he loved the fruit.

When he finished with a final applause from the crowd and began to walk away, a boy tugged his cape, stopping him Venti looked down and saw a familiar face.

This is the boy with the pigeons, Timmie.

“Hi,” he smiled brightly, continuing to tug on Venti’s cape. “I really like your song!”

“Thank you. Did you want to hear another one before I go?”

“Well, not really,” he responded honestly. “You see, I always go to the Church, every time! But... some of the things I don’t understand. So…”

Venti already knew what he was alluding to. You see, the beauty of being a God that pretended to be human is that this would happen. You would have someone approach you and ask you about yourself. Morax is humble in the sense that he corrects any misunderstandings and discrepancies about himself. He would not overglorify his contributions, but still give himself credit when credit was due.

“You want to know about our God,” Venti nodded. “Everyone does, but He likes to keep His secrets.”

In his mind, Venti calls on a single Thread, these Threads looking much like himself when he were a mere Wind Spirit. This Thread weaved several memories into one, imparting him with the memories of Timmie. A smiling boy that holds sadness inside. He recently found out a cruel truth—his father is dead. That truth remained hidden in order to preserve his childhood. To give him wonderful memories to live for—but is it not a child’s nature to be curious? Is it not a child’s nature to want their family, to be loved and nurtured? Is that not which is juxtaposed with having a good childhood? The Thread sensed how annoyed I was. It quickly took it’s leave with reverence to me.

“My father is gone…”

He spoke, as if solidifying what the Thread already imparted onto Venti. He closed his eyes, his heart breaking in an instant.

“I thought he was very busy,” Timmie continued. “That’s what they all told me, but then…”

“They couldn’t hide it anymore,” Venti responded softly. “They were guilty, little one. They were scared for you. They didn’t want you to be sad, they wanted you to be happy.  You shouldn’t blame them.”

Though Venti himself did in fact, blame them, he would not try to make Timmie do the same thing and make him experience the same negative emotions he held—no, that wasn’t wise and not the kind of person he was. This, and Timmie did not seem convinced. His eyes remained melancholy, he fiddled with his hands and did not respond.

“Did you know that our Archon can guide anyone back here, regardless of where they are? Those who are living, those who have died. He can bring them back here. For those who are living, it is to remind them that they always have a place here. To those that have died, it is so they can rest freely in the land they were born to.”

“N-No,” Timmie sniffled, wiping away tears. “What do you mean?”

Venti closed his eyes.

“When you feel the wind blow in Mondstadt, it is never harsh. You pick Windwheel Asters that still spin in your hands  because the wind gives it life. You can always smell dandelions, the wind is crisp and welcoming. Storms are rare. Why do you think this is?”

“Because of… Lord Barbatos?”

Venti sighed. “Yes.”

Timmie did not sense his discomfort. Most of, if not all the reason why I chose to live “as a human” is so I do not embellish my own importance. I am still “me” when I want to be “me.” I was only a mere spirit when I was at my beloved bard’s side when Decarabian’s Tower fell. He would hold the title of Anemo Archon if he were alive today, and I would have not minded being mere decoration, resting my head on his lap. Anyway, I am used to telling everyone lies about “me.” Tall tales, never anything harmful. This is the reason why the Sisters do not like me all too much, likening me to just a drunkard with little intelligence. Having to tell my actual feats feels wrong.

“Then, my dad…”

“Is home. He has always been home, watching over you within the Winds where he will find peace knowing you can grow up happily and lead a good life.”

“Really?” Timmie’s eyes lit up, his sadness disappearing.

“Yes. I am sure of it.”

Venti smiled, feeling comforted himself.

Yet, all good things came to an end as he saw one of the Sisters glaring at him, soon coming towards him.

“What are you saying to that boy this time?” Sister Victoria approached him. “Your views on Lord Barbatos are not correct!”

Venti had little room to spare for any kindness or logical rebuttal. Timmie ran away. Of course, the boy would, with that fright in his eyes. The children loved his songs and tales. This should not be happening, but it was and if it continued, he’d draw a crowd for all the wrong reasons. He could not—should not give rise to this, yet he could not help himself.

“You have only lived on Teyvat for a fraction of how long it took Lord Barbatos to draw His first breath, yet you would call yourself a Lady of His Word by leaning on to words He did not bequeath?”

“I—I—” She was taken aback, not expecting such words from the bard. Quickly recovering herself, she continued with, “Don’t need my faith questioned by—”

“A drunkard like me?”

Livid, his eyes began to glow against his will and he crossed his arms. The wind converged around him, making the breeze suddenly grow in intensity.

Venti hissed, “You should be more concerned about finding that boy and consoling him as I was.”

He needed to leave before he couldn’t control himself and the connection between the mess from the morning and the winds changing now became obvious. Sister Victoria was smart enough to see the anger in his face and in his words and was unnerved. She took a step back.

“I will go and do that.”

She turned on her heel.

“Children of the Anemo Archon, heed these words: from the winds we have come, and with the winds we shall go. Never, ever grieve for me. ‘Tis but my flesh and bones which rest in the soil: my soul has become one with the Thousand Winds. When flowers bloom, when leaves sway, that is me who sings the songs of freedom, of the winds.”

While she did not turn around, Venti could sense her shock from her controlled flinch and slight pause. He was calmer. The Winds returned to normal.

He found amusement at The Cat’s Tail not so long after that.

Uncaring about the odd allergy he had towards cats, Venti asked Margaret for a private room where he would not be disturbed and ordered the tavern’s best drinks to consume. It was the only thing that was calming. Yet, he couldn’t lie to himself. He did miss the taste of Dandelion Wine though it wasn’t too long since he’d previously had it. At some point, he’d have to bribe one of the Angel’s Share regulars to buy him a couple of bottles he could preserve.

He closed his eyes after drinking his last glass. It wouldn’t be the first time he slept for a couple of hours in a tavern. Except this time, when he awoke later the sun was going down and a single Thread was nudging his cheek in desperation, the latter never happening unless something required his intervention. Venti rubbed his eyes and sat up from the couch.

“Speak.”

“My Lord,” The Thread responded. “There is trouble at the Goth Grand Hotel. New members of the Fatui unrecognized by ourselves have stepped into that place with urgency.”

Those idiots want to actually do something now?

“Go spy on them and learn their secrets, then report back to me.”

The Thread disappears. Venti stands and paces back and forth until the Thread returns nearly a hour later.

“The situation is dire, My Lord. I have found out that the Fatui have cruel intentions.”

“Elaborate.”

The Thread looked nervous.

“There—There is a mole. There will be a mole—They wish to assassinate the Master of Dawn Winery.”

Venti sat dawn slowly, looking at the Thread in disbelief.

“You are sure?”

The Thread nodded.

“Absolutely?”

Another nod.

And in true fashion, the Anemo Archon ordered another drink.

He was too sober for this.

[arrow-dodger]

When I was 12, my mom bought the soundtrack to The Phantom of the Opera movie with Gerard Butler. She must have gotten the CD from the bargain bin at Wal Mart or something. She started playing it all the time in the car, insisting she loved that kind of music (which she had never listened to before, as far as I'm aware).

I became obsessed with it almost immediately. I made her get me the movie and I watched it almost every night. At that age I hated Raoul because I thought he was lame and weak. The Phantom was my sexy sad boy and for some reason I thought I could fix him. No offense to Christine, but I was built different. The idea of being someone's entire world was very appealing to me, because I never felt important to anyone. I wanted someone to take me away to be theirs forever. That was a romance I could read fanfiction about for years to come.

I've always listened to it and watched the movie from time to time since, but I revisited it more specifically recently. It occurred to me that I only know the movie version of the songs, which are probably the worst ones, so I started listening to the original Broadway cast and the 2011 recording.

The vibe is... very different. I am very different. Gerard Butler's Phantom IS kind of a sexy sad boy in comparison, and the stage Phantom has much more "muahahaha" energy. I mean, he's a devious, cringe little bitch. But the thing is that he's also scary as hell. Actually, this entire thing has always been scary, and I was kind of blind to it because of how sexy Gerard Butler is, maybe. Listening now, it's a horror that sends chills down my spine.

Now as an adult the romance angle doesn't work the same. I've had men make me their entire world before and convince me they'd die without me living to care for them. I've had men give me things without me asking and then use that against me later. I've had men seek out my very specific weaknesses to exploit them in their favor. I've had men threaten violence and violate my personhood because they wanted to own me so badly. I had a man essentially brainwash me for so many years.

I always hated Wishing You Were Somehow Here Again as a kid. I thought the song was boring and would skip past it sometimes, because I just didn't get what it added. Now I get that it's the entire linchpin to the plot of this thing.

When I watch that scene now, I realize that Christine's trauma about the death of her father IS the plot. That's what all of this is about, in the end. During the Wandering Child bit afterwards, when I see her say "wildly my mind beats against you, but my soul obeys," I know that very feeling... and it isn't romantic, it's DARK. When she says she has endless longings, she doesn't mean she longs to have a sexy phantom boyfriend, she means she longs to feel safe! Feel loved! Protected! She wants to feel like her father is still around and looking out for her! And she spent all these years thinking she would get these things from this person who's convinced her he's an avatar of her dead father, who spends this song calling her a lost child who needs his guidance, specifically poking at the wound he knows she has to give himself the upper hand. That isn't hot! That's awful!

When I see Christine crying as she turns away from the Phantom at the end of the 2011 production, I don't think she's sad because she's in love with him too. I think she's sad because she's leaving behind this person who is the architect of her entire consciousness. Someone who has convinced her that they need each other, that they're each other's destiny. She's realizing that she needs to leave her father behind. When he says "Christine, I love you," she's hearing her father's voice. She doesn't know who she is without him, or if she'll completely collapse if she takes another step away. And bitch, same. I've been there too. I thought I'd die myself.

The angles that art can stab you from change with you as you age. Stranger than you dreamt it!

[fountainpenguin]

New Frayed Knots chapter today!

Chapter 32 - “Forecast”

Read on FFN || Read on AO3

Anti-Cosmo joins Wanda, Blonda, and Juandissimo for an end of semester trip to the lemonade bar. Gossip is had of love and counterparts. Blonda does her utmost to ensure her study buddy has a grand night out.

(First 1300 words under the cut)

The two weeks leading up to migration season were some of the longest in my entire immortal life. And yes, I say that even as a drake who spent 68,000 years of his childhood stuck inside a genie's lamp. Professors are asked not to require heavy exams outside of the Leaves years, so my semester had been burdened with essays, pop quizzes, and research assignments that frankly left me washed up and wilted. And even though I passed most of my classes with flying colours, that single star grade from Dm. Fallenleaf haunted my conscious mind. It didn't matter, somehow, that Blonda had received an equally poor score on her final essay. I tried to tell myself she was a fairy, that I too had misunderstood the assignment and deserved my failing grade, and yet…

I genuinely think my low score was thrust upon me because I'm an Anti-Fairy. Am I allowed to report this? My student handbook doesn't exactly detail step by step instructions for protesting against this sort of thing.

I didn't feel like I could. Every time I considered approaching the school staff, I imagined they'd cite Blonda's low score as evidence that I wasn't being unfairly singled out. I don't know… I don't invest enough time and research in politics that immediately affect me. Somehow, it always seemed easier to campaign for Council Robes than to stand directly in front of someone and explain why I was hurting. I think… For Anti-Fairies, verbalising that distress can be a challenge.

Funny. Everyone in my creche knew exactly how peeved I was by my low score. I didn't do a thing to hide it, and they offered all their comforts until the tears I was wiping off weren't ones of pain anymore. And yet… Blonda herself? The one who ought to have been my "companion in crime?" … I hung out with her (to use the modern term) the following day because we had our potion making class together. But the skim through the hallway, the two hours of preparing our cauldron, the little campus bakery we stopped by afterward… Well, she rambled on and I spoke back as best I could, but I largely didn't know what to say.

See, Blonda had an intense personality at the best of times, though the way she carried it - sort of stifling herself and backing down fast - made it clear she was still recovering from a lifetime of being suppressed by her family and forced to play a softer role. Fairies have never looked fondly on twins, and particularly younger twins… I think lookalikes remind them far too much of their Anti-Fairy counterparts. Blonda fell on the side of those who flap their wings widely when frustrated. As we exited the bakery and stepped out on the sparkly pink walking path, I stayed slightly ahead of her. This gave me the opportunity to busy myself with soft pings of echolocation. So, I simply tried not to say anything that might offend. At least… up until I was nearing the end of my pumpkin bread snack. When Blonda's ramblings drew to a lull, I turned on my heel and began walking backwards instead.

"Blonda, can I offer you some genuine advice?"

She tugged the collar of her pale blue coat, looking faintly rosy as the true extent of her chatter settled in. "I'll always take it from you, Anti-Cosmo."

"Never change."

Evidently, this wasn't the advice she'd been anticipating. She jolted at the shoulders. Her fingers squeezed around the cinnamon roll in her hands (which had already been tossed around quite a bit in all her waving, I might add). "I beg your pardon?"

"Don't cease airing your grievances to trusted friends who support you, even if you don't receive any touches in return. An Anti-Fairy wouldn't normally do this sort of thing with a Fairy- as in, seeking comfort and using only words… And yet, you make speaking to you so easy that I myself have confessed my cultural frustrations to you - touchless - and felt mostly better after it." I smiled at her thinly. Blonda stared back at me with eyes stretched wide. "What I'm saying is, you're allowed to feel disheartened. I applaud you for seeking friends who value your company, strive to lift your spirits, and hurt when you hurt. I promise… Healing will come in time."

Blonda released her cinnamon roll, keeping it airborne with a spark of energy, and gathered her hair in a loose pegasustail. "Oh, you always sound so sure of yourself."

"Believe me, I'm not."

"Well, never change. You sound confident. Though I don't mind saying, as a friend… You might want to consider a wardrobe upgrade. You've been wearing the same signature outfit since lower school."

I looked down at my sleeveless shirt - the black one featuring a simplified version of the Anti-Fairy zodiac - and hummed in thought. As a culture, Fairies oft preferred to nail down a specific "look" for themselves at the start of an Aurora Fairyalis cycle. They'd fill their wardrobes with numerous of the same outfits and stick to them like sprites to fur. The aurora hits every 5,000 years and I'd been wearing identical versions of my favourite sleeveless top for the last three. It hadn't bothered me while I was out of school and travelling regularly, but if I intended to stay in one place much longer, Blonda had a point. "Yes, I suppose I'm not an adolescent anymore… Perhaps I'll look into that next year. After migration season." Migration would be a nice time to catch up on a little reading. I hadn't read a fashion book in 10,000 years or more.

I'd been using this same look since Mickey Peridot was still alive. That thought made my stomach scootch into a little corner. His death felt so recent and yet so far away.

Blonda nodded. "And your shorts are getting short… unless that's intentional. I don't judge."

Hm. Her lighthearted tone made my ears twitch. "How do you mean?"

"Your, ah… slip is showing."

I glanced over myself again, this time more critically, and realised she was right. I really don't know how the Seelie do it, but proper Zodii Anti-Fairies, at least, always wear single-piece undergarments the same colour as our element on the zodiac. If we wore it in separate pieces, it would be far more likely to bunch or flop and become terribly uncomfortable when we hang upside-down. The hem of my water-blue leg sleeve just barely stuck out below the hem of my shorts. I tugged the white fabric down automatically, then shrugged at Blonda. "Yes, I may be outgrowing this look in more ways than one… I've really not made fashion a focus of my life. Any suggestions?"

As I stood admiring myself, Blonda leaned far to one side, apparently sizing me up from this new tilted angle. Then she nodded. "A suit. A black one, I think… unless you find a nice option in navy blue. You've got the monocle to pull off a classy gentledrake's look if you just freshen up your clothes."

I made a face. I wore the monocle because glasses weren't made to sit upon Anti-Fairy ears. Some years ago I did try switching back, but so many of my peers bombarded me, asking why I bothered to wear two lenses when I'm blind in my left eye, so I quickly gave that up. True, my preferred monocle might work as a smashing accent to the right outfit, but did I even want to bother? Was that style for me? "Dressing daily would be a pain, luv… I'll have to think about it."

[fate-magical-girls]

As ambitious as her brother is, he will never match her ambition. After all, he grew up knowing he has a possibility of inheriting the crown, while she grew up knowing she could not depend on the normal order of inheritance. A chaser of a possible dream and a chaser of an impossible dream; how great of an ambition is needed to make the impossible possible?

She should leave the treaty negotiations to the ambassadors, but she makes the journey in person, with her King along as an accessory. Perhaps she just wants look upon a reminder of her past. Perhaps she wants to to compare her past with what she has now.

Her brother has the same idea. They meet in a manor on a lake island in a neutral territory -- King and Queen, of same blood but opposing nations.

The Queen clutches her husband's hand extra tightly as remorse flashes across her face. She regains her composure quickly, but silently chides herself for this show of weakness, especially as her brother shows no such trepidation.

"Royal Brother, and my dear sister," he greets her and her husband with all due gentility, "It gladdens my heart to meet you under these auspicious circumstances, where the friendship between our nations shall hopefully be restored."

"Dear Royal Brother," she greets him, likewise with rehearsed lines, "I too am overjoyed at seeing you safe and sound. Our bonds of friendship were never broken."

Her husband murmurs his own greeting. With that, all formalities are done, and they proceed to talking business over breakfast.

As the victor, the Queen is the first to make demands. She wants reparations for the unprovoked invasion, the annexation of certain seized lands, and free access to a major port. Her brother listens, and then makes his counter-offer: reparations will be paid provided certain noble hostages are freed, access can be given to the port with reduced tariffs, but as for the lands...

"High-minded, virtuous queen, I beg you recall the love that our mother and father showed us and the happy days we spent in our native lands, and allow your natural affection to guide the terms you shall set out for us."

"Perhaps it is because of my natural affection for my native land, that I now long to associate myself with part of it." She replies, mildly annoyed by his moralizing tone.

The conversation goes on. With every offer and counter-offer, her brother brings up their blood relation. She realizes that he has observed her moment of vulnerability and is seeking to capitalize on it.

It is an appeal aimed as much at her as it is toward all observers and scribes. He means to have the world at large judge her for any demands she makes of her natal nation. Even if their familial ties had been technically severed when, during her wedding, she drank down the sacramental wine mingled with the blood of men from her groom's family, adopting her into her new family.

He knows, as well as she does, that simple ceremonies do not erase the truth of one's origins...

Fine. She'll lull him into a false sense of security then. Let him think he's found a way to soften her heart, and then turn the tables on him. She just has to find an opening, a momentary lapse in words...

And her king creates the perfect opportunity.

"You're the one who attacked us!" He snaps, as his brother-in-law makes another cloying plea. Immediately afterwards he shrinks back, looking toward his wife to see if she disapproves of his outburst.

She pets his hand without matching his gaze, all her attention on her brother.

"My Lord speaks the truth. Our ties of blood provide me with a natural affection toward you and my natal home, but they must also inspire affection within you. So what has so displeasured my royal brother that you would rather continue to set flesh against blood, than to show generosity to me?"

Now she is the one using their undeniable familial link against him.

"You sue for peace, and I shall give it, for I am generous. Yet I also ask for you to grant me what is mine by right."

Her brother tenses, the first crack in his calm and charming facade. The queen smiles, knowing she has cornered him.

"After all, as we are siblings bound by blood, does it matter if it be you or I who holds these castles?"

She doesn't get to keep every territory that she demands -- she must show her consideration toward her brother, after all -- but she does gain land for her kingdom

I think the funniest dynamic for arranged-marriage royalty would be a queen who came here 100% prepared to murder her future husband and rule as a widow queen in her own right, only to discover that the king is autistic as hell and responds to her wish to rule with "oh thank god please do, I don't want to be bothered by these people. I can just tell them to go bother you instead, if you really want that. I've got beetles I wanted to study."

[ninelivesastrology]

And people have been like, "But you're a woman! But you're so pretty! You can have anyone you want!" And they're not saying the quiet part out loud... "because you have a vagina." So yeah, a man who exploits me for my vagina. Easy. My vagina could be anyone else's vagina. But I'm supposed to feel special because it's my vagina. That's the trade off. Being a sex object. Which is fine when it's on your own terms, but I saw this post last night on r/TwoxChromosomes talking about the casual sex and the girls are tired. There were a few comments that I felt at one point or another.

Secretly, I want it up until it's happening and unless its absolutely toe curling mind shattering. i'm eager for it to be over. to get out. to leave. I just am at a point with casual sex where I just have zero desire to cuddle, even if i need that aftercare. i just ..i crave the warmth of actual physical intimacy with someone that I care about and cares about me

Sometimes people are unobtainable, and have been for awhile. There are absolutely times when I know who I am most interested in is completely unavailable to me, so I am willing to engage romantically/sexually with other people.

Friends with benefits is great and all as long as both people don't forget the friends part

This. I tried a few ONS but ya it was garbage. FWB is definitely a better situationship. I'm mid 30s now and I need more than just you're cute but dating is fuckin exhausting

I've had it in the past to try to forget people I was stuck on, also had casual sex with guys I wanted to actually date hoping it would turn into something more, but they always dumped me afterwards. And each time it just felt empty. So empty. I'd often cry and cry. So I don't seek it. Just like you said, it scares me when I'm attracted to someone now because men in general just want casual these days and its a recipe for disaster for me to go for it. I find myself having periods of celibacy extending to 3yrs

Lord, even the queer girls

Thank you for sharing these feelings, I didnt know how I felt about casual sex but I recently hooked up with a girl on a second date because she made it seem like she was interested in continuing to get to know me. Little did I know it was a one night stand for her & she ghosted me after the sex. I barely knew this girl but she had been telling me sweet things, cuddling, convincing me she liked me as a person. When i realized it was just for sex I felt so used I definitely let myself cry a bit.

And I even me at my most confident just deters people. I feel like I deter people, that I'm never approached.

The last time I was approached, I fucking was blind as fuck, trying to get home, didn't know what stop I was at. It was night time and I can't see at night.

I don't have my glasses or contacts because my Q was sabotaging money, stealing it and hiding it, stressing me, blah blah blah and I couldn't go to a doctor.

So anyway, I'm on the bus and I fucking open my dumbass mouth and ask a question about directions. Totally valid for my situation. Right, so this dude, drunk as fuck, smelling like a cocktail bar squeezes in front of me and for the next thirty five minutes, I have to be near him because the bus is fucking cramped.

He told me I looked like his daughter. And other shit. Just know it was bad. And I'm like, "Why do I attract alcoholics/addicts why what do I do to deserve this? I just got rid of one," like I'm blaming myself and mind you, he's so drunk and talking to me and all I can think about is how he probably can't get hard.

Like I don't know, there's a certain disdain I feel when someone has to be drunk to approach me romantically. It also makes me feel like I'm ugly? Violent flashbacks to my relationships where my alcoholics would throw themselves at me.

You don't know pain until you're in missionary and someone is sweating the alcohol out all over you, like GET OFF OF ME! GET OFF! Trauma. Trauma.

[khaosophist]

So, liking someone's body is sometimes seen as superficial. Personality can become more central to a relationship than the vessel of that personality.

Was there a moment in my life where this distinction was clear?

That I appreciated the person, more than their body, or just as much, despite of, or because of?

In any case, this reminded me of the time a girl liked me in high school. meet the parents level of like. I only liked her because I wanted to make a friend of mine jealous because I knew he wanted that kind of girl as a partner. I broke it off because It felt wrong. Poor girl. I don't even know if I apologized to her, or even considered her well-being. I didn't even listen to her. I made it all about how my intentions were wrong.

I don't remember what she told me afterwards, why would I? I didn't gain more respect for her, so I didn't even see a point in listening. Did she ask me to try?

Anyways, that relationship, to me, wasn't about her or me. It was in relation to someone else. I made the end of it about my emotions. I didn't listen to what she wanted after learning the truth! I remember kissing her felt like meat on meat. She had a lot of makeup, I tasted it as we kissed, I hated it. It made me feel like the fact she had so much makeup meant something. She was cute, so I didn't understand why she had so much. She was three years younger than me. I felt worse, since I felt like she liked me more because she was naive, than actually interested. I didn't know ANYTHING about her, nor did I try to learn anything about her. For what it's worth. I'm sorry.

So that relationship was neither about their body, nor their personality, but about what someone else could have seen the relationship as. I was jealous of my friend, so I hoped to make him jealous too.

The only relationship where I had no intentions or expectations towards it was with my wife. I had given up on the idea of being in a relationship to be happy. I was cringe as fuck with her. But I didn't care. I sent her a comprehensive image with suggested anime and manga. Emoticons included. I usually hid my power level around normies and women. When I did it was the other that instigated it. I don't think I ever talked about anime to a friend group of mine. I was the blackmetal dude. That's it.

It was a self fulfilling prophecy, by not talking about anime, I didn't attract people that liked the same things as me. Rather there never was a person that both liked anime, and black metal. It was either they liked anime, or they liked music, or were just normies hanging around me.

That being said...I developed a waifu complex on Hatsune Miku. I was convinced that no girl actually liked me, since I didn't like myself anyways, so to me, the waifu was 'the one', the girl pure enough to love me despite my dumb ass. That my wife didn't run screaming after seeing my bedroom with like five Hatsune Miku wall scrolls, one plush,many figures, and one cushion, is a miracle.

I remember going to a con, and meeting this sexy, cute, and sweet girl there. All that mattered to me was that she was cosplaying Miku! I went on my knees and jokingly worshipped her. I had an overwhelming feeling she was too good for me. So, again, I didn't pay attention. It was just something to do, and move on. Then again, she didn't seek me out afterwards. That same con, there was an old woman, maybe 50s or 60s? That saw me in my anonymous mask, (Not the OG green, the Fawkes one), and she asked me to show her what I looked like under the mask. I showed her, and she said, 'Oh you're gorgeous!'. I didn't believe her. If I was gorgeous, why was I alone? If I was a good guy,why was I alone? That same con I went to a speed dating thing. There was this Misty there with massive breasts. I don't remember the conversation we had, but I put her in there as a joke, since I felt she was out of my league. Lo, and behold, she listed me too. We went to a hentai panel together. It started to feel like we had a lot in common, so I ditched my friend at that time to hang with her at the con. There was another dude in the group. He made me feel like he knew he was going to get laid. My thoughts were 'I don't want sex. I want a relationship.' There was constant sexual innuendo, and as I was holding on to Misty's tail I had a moment of self-awareness. A guy, holding on to a girl's tail, eyes down, following her everywhere. Why wasn't I walking next to her? It's not like she playfully teased me. I felt like a thing. I don't know what would have happened if I let this go all the way. But I had her number, so I tried to organize a date, and quickly realized it was leading nowhere. It hurt. But I still feel I made the right choice, there was no communication. Sometimes it feels like I didn't deserve those I was emotionally connected to. While those I found attractive didn't respect me. I would say they shouldn't have respected me anyways.

The fact that my wife was the first girl I felt safe being myself with because I felt like I shouldn't hide my emotions that weren't expected wasn't realized by me for a long time. God, the first time we had sex, I kicked her out, at 3:00 am. Fucking idiot. I felt my emotions, unapologetically at the time, it's how I felt. One time, I took out a rope and tied her up before sex early in the relationship. I think she liked it. But she never asked me to do it again. So there was a kind of feeling that I was a pervert. Still is, of course, but way less than before. It felt like I was a degenerate corrupting a good person. Every time I wanted something from my wife, sexually, it's like I was ripping out a piece of her. The fact she came back to me only made me think she was brave.

As I think of this, everything about sex was either distorted (porn), or matter of fact (Sex Ed), and I was stuck trying to figure out what it all MEANT. No theories of sex, or intimacy, or affection. Those that I did see were hella abstract. The symposium, or 'amour prope', or 'amour de soi'. Things like that. Concepts, not experiences. I didn't know why I wanted sex, or love, I only knew it's what I wanted. I don't know WHY I want to have no secrets with my wife. Only that it's what I want. I can have stories that could explain these things. But that's not always what I need to do.

I'm a furry/scalie. I'm Agender. I like roleplay. I'm tired of hiding why I have emotions, or what emotions I have. Maybe I like having the body of a man sometimes. But, not everyone believes one's definition of one's soul to be seperate than one's definition of one's body. Like the soul is anthropomorphized, but it's immaterial, therefore, it has no form, so it can't be LIKE a human body. It can be more. But most are content of getting virgins in heaven, assuming their gender and Sex to be the same in heaven as it is on the earth. Big ass contradiction. "Heaven is beyond this material realm, but I'll get to keep everything I like about having a body, without it being a sin, because it's happening in heaven." Too many ideas love rent free in my head.

Let's assume we didn't have all this baggage of material and immaterial.

Without this distinction, but keeping to some of its vocabulary, how can I tell between a soul, and a body?

So, I meet someone. They are just what they are. Whether they have a soul or body is nonsense, they are just there! Whatever they wear is just there. Wherever we are just is. When does the difference exist? When would one go ' Oh, hey, here is all good and all, but what about the OTHER here that's here? What about your OTHER you that's you? No, really, I want to know about that REAL you...'. at what point does one go 'body' when pointing at someone, and 'soul' while pointing at...whatever the hell one would point to. At what point did we consider a thing's 'thingness'?

Now my head hurts. Have a Poe. A cat we fostered and gave to someone. They're living their best life.

Praise be to Khaos, Eris, and Tiamat.

[jodilin65]

FRIDAY, MARCH 31, 1989 Yesterday was a shitty day, but it ended up better. I kind of woke up on the wrong side of the bed cuz of not taking my meds, and I got my period, but what really brought me to the boiling point was my father. He must’ve been in a bad mood himself. I don’t know. I just can’t stand his attitude at times. He’s gonna be 58 on April 5th. He’s getting old.

Then Linda came over and calmed me down and cheered me up at the same time. I had taken my pills before she came over.

I’m surprised Tammy hasn’t called to see how I am since I moved. I mean, with all the times I’ve called her she should be considerate enough to see how I am here. She never really called that much on Oswego St., either. I’m the one that always did the calling.

Bruce came over at midnight last night and we had a fairly nice talk, then cuddled in bed and had sex. He was very respectful, gentle and sensitive and after trying little by little I could take him inside me. It hurt a little and it didn’t excite me, but I did enjoy the experience somewhat. I know I can’t be pregnant cuz I started my period today while I was on the phone making calls with Andy.

However, Bruce feels he can’t handle me as his girlfriend, saying he doesn’t admire me cuz of my attitude and my needing to change more. I feel like all my life I’ll be “needing to change,” but he says he really cares and that I’m a good person and will be my friend. He also says I’m not too thin and am attractive with a nice body. I put on makeup for him for the first time.

Al and Jessie were gonna come over earlier, but Bruce and Linda were here instead, and Al got home late and needed to go food shopping. We all talked the other night on the phone and we had a really good talk. I’ll never forget, though, how much Al sucks in bed. He’s after Jessie now. She can have him!

No matter what, I still prefer a woman. Bruce isn’t ugly, and no, he’s not the typical male, but I want a female. I even asked Andy and he agrees. He says I’m definitely gay and there’s no way I could be straight. There is no way for sure that I could be sexually attracted to a man the way I have been to a woman.

Today I’m going grocery shopping and I’m also gonna finish my laundry.

I almost forgot to say that Andy and I had a hell of a time on the phone early this morning around 2:30 or so. We got some really funny names to rank on.

Someone swiped my green pen and that pisses me off cuz I like to write in different colors.

I left a message for the sicko to call at about 1:30 this afternoon, but he never did cuz he probably never went back to the deli afterward, so I hope to hell he calls today so I can get him all nervous and find out why he lied about paying Sasha’s vet bill. I knew the music book was a lie, too. Very typical of him when he can’t get constant attention and his hand held every day. It’s his way of seeking revenge. It’s so humorous, though.

Later…

I just called the Forest Park Grill and left a message for Nervous. We’ll soon see if he calls me. I’m also gonna bring up his spying. That’ll shock the shit out of him and he probably won’t be too happy that I caught him and know about it.

Later…

I found my green pen lying on the floor by the kitchen windows.

I just saw that bitch Rita come out of her car to go into her apartment. I felt like yelling something out to her but didn’t want the other neighbors to hear. I’ll only strike up a storm if she does.

If Nervo doesn’t call by 8:00, I’m gonna start my laundry, then go food shopping. I’ll first find out if Jessie needs to go and if we can do it together. I’ll probably just have to go myself.

Linda says I write funny which is true cuz I write so many different ways. I guess it goes according to my mood.

I hope that if Nervous calls, he’ll be in his nervous mood, and he usually is in the daytime, for some reason. I really want to get him going. It is so hysterically funny!

I forgot to get stamps last time I was at Shopper’s Drug. Next time I’ll get them, and I’ve got to get Dad a birthday card.

I wonder what happened to my period. It just stopped, but I guess I’m not surprised cuz I have such a screwy cycle.

Sasha just got up on the bed with this look on her face saying, “Why are you so busy writing? I want to cuddle.” She’s used to doing that at this time of morning anyway.

TUESDAY, MARCH 28, 1989 I got up today at 6:00 or so when the doorbell rang. I thought it was Andy, but it was Linda. She looked pretty tired and I think I probably talked her ear off, but I’m glad she came over anyway. She was doing her laundry down at the end of the street. She could’ve done it here, though.

I want to ask her if she’ll take me grocery shopping, but I don’t want to burden her. I probably do as it is with my big mouth, so I’m surprised she even comes over.

Sasha likes the balloon she brought over.

At about 9:00, I went over to Jeanie and Jay’s next door. They had a friend over from Locust St. who was from Longmeadow, but I don’t remember him. He knows my cousin Susie.

Tomorrow Jeanie’s gonna let me use her phone to bitch out the phone company. Apparently, they never disconnected me at Oswego Street and I have no phone here. I’m pissed! I called Andy from there and told him about it. Jessie, Tammy, Mom and Dad, and Tammy have probably tried calling me.

The gas guy comes tomorrow, too.

Well, I finally met the guy in Nancy’s old apartment. His name’s Jai Z and he’s very nice. We must’ve talked for almost two hours. Of course, I laid it on the line up front and told him I’m gay. He’s very accepting and considerate about it and seems harmless. He says he has a girlfriend and a lot of gay friends. I know he thinks I’m pretty, though, and he likes my singing. We talked about a lot of things and he says he loves to cook and that I can eat dinner with him sometime, but if he ever steps out of line, he’s dead. He seems nice, but so do most people at first.

He’s doing me a favor cuz he wants some of my boxes and will bring those he doesn’t use down to the dumpster.

He has a cat, too. This whole building has cats and dogs. At least they’re allowed here, unlike at Carabetta.

MONDAY, MARCH 27, 1989 Linda came over earlier. I was so psyched to see her. We had a good time together. I really wonder what she’s got on her mind. I mean, does she like me? I just wish she’d open up and talk a little more. She’s too quiet. I don’t know why but I’m really getting to like her. It’s not that she’s attractive and of course looks aren’t everything but something’s there. I just wish she wasn’t always so serious and quiet. I also wonder if she’s capable of ever being affectionate and really interested in me and getting to know me more. I think she just doesn’t want to be hurt and of course, neither do I.

Another thing I wonder is if she’ll be supportive of a career in music. If ever I do travel someday out of town, will whoever I get be supportive and stand beside me? I mean, I really want someone to say, “Jodi, you have a voice so go for it. I want you to make it as far as you can and don’t ever give it up.”

I think I’ll stay up for a while and see if I get any visits from my obsessed fan out on the street.

SUNDAY, MARCH 26, 1989 I got up late like I knew I would and finally got this place vacuumed. It took forever with this carpet, and my vacuum sucks. It hardly picks up anything.

After that, I put up some of the curtains I got. I really wish I still had the shutters that were in this living room the last time I was here, cuz I put the old kitchen curtains in there and they don’t look too great. They’re ok, though, I guess. They’re better than nothing although I’d rather use them in the kitchen where I put the curtains I got while at Carabetta’s which look pretty stupid cuz they’re two different lengths. Now I have nothing for the kitchen door. Later I’ll put the yellow curtains in the bedroom. I’ll also need to put hooks in the other living room window. I only did one window in there cuz only one had hooks. The door has no hooks either, but first I must buy new curtains.

Where is Andy? I figured he’d be here by now. Maybe later.

I wish I had a fucking phone, but I will soon.

SATURDAY, MARCH 25, 1989 Woodside Terrace…

The movers came to move me out of Oswego St. at 8:15 this morning, and believe it or not, I’m totally unpacked. It looks beautiful and it’s ever so peaceful and quiet. I haven’t been this happy in a long, long time.

Last Tuesday, Andy was over to see it. He almost died. He also brought over the two pianos, guitar, stereo and a few other things for me.

I’d really like to sleep tomorrow, but I need cigarettes. I should also have Nervous come and haul my boxes downstairs tomorrow, too. Then I want to wash my curtains, bedspreads and clothes.

Jeanie, my neighbor in number #15, is such a sweetheart. She reminds me so much of Nancy.

Sasha seems to really like it here where pets are allowed. I think my allergies will definitely improve cuz of the radiators which are much healthier than electric heat like at Carabetta’s.

I hope I get my mail here tomorrow and that it’s not still being delivered on Oswego St. I’ll go back and check though before I turn in my keys.

Nervous is never getting a security door key. Never. But I’ll tease him anyway by saying, “Oh, by the way, I keep forgetting to give you that key. I’ll get it soon.” I wonder if he might have a key from when he lived here. I doubt it.

Later…

I can’t understand why I can’t sleep. Probably cuz I’m just so excited and happy. I’ve got a lot on my mind too. At least I haven’t had too much coffee.

I wonder if Nervous has come looking up at the windows? I wouldn’t be surprised if he has. He’s gonna have an awful view cuz I’m up so high. All he can do is see if the lights are on. He’s no doubt gonna be really bummed out without a key and I really doubt he has a key from when he lived here before, cuz I’m sure that when he got evicted, he had to turn his keys over right then and there as the sheriff was cleaning out his apartment. The only other way he’d have a key would be if he had made duplicates. His mother or sister may’ve had a key.

He never paid Larry and John what he owed them or the electric and gas company. He still doesn’t have a phone and I doubt he ever will.

He asked to borrow my chain lamp if I wasn’t gonna use it. No way. And no way in hell will I put up with his nerve-racking visits here in this apartment where I am gonna better my life. I know I’ve gone back time and time again on my word about ditching him, but this guy is a very sick puppy who’s obsessed with me and has nothing else better to do than be an asshole. I figured once I moved would be the best time to dispose of him. I’m sure after a while I’ll get some phone calls where he hangs up or says nothing. I’m not even gonna have him take my boxes down. I’ll gladly do it myself.

He’s supposedly buying me the music book Canciones de mi Padre. When and if he does I’ll just buzz him in and tell him to leave it outside my door and to come back in an hour cuz I’m really busy, and when he rings again, I’ll tell him to wait a minute and then forget about him. He’ll probably ring about 10,000 times, too.

Later…

Guess what I just saw?! Nervous was spying in his sister’s car! I happened to be looking out my bedroom window when I saw this car drive up Locust, then turn around in the driveway of an auto repair shop near Dickinson, then it came down and parked a few buildings away from mine, then put its flashers on, then another car passed it. At first, I thought they were cruising for drugs or that the car broke down or they were waiting for someone.

So the next thing I know, the car drives closer and parks under my bathroom window and then I began to wonder if it was Judy’s car with the sicko driving it. Then, I saw that it was him when he turned to drive up Woodside. Then he came back from around the block and again parked under the bathroom. I knew it was him cuz I could see his bald spot and by the manner in which he was smoking and picking his teeth. Then a guy walked up to the car and said something to him, and he drove away without a word. The guy probably thought he was looking to buy drugs.

Is the guy out of his mind? How am I ever gonna get rid of him?

Later…

I fell asleep after the sun came up this morning. I had set the clock for 1:00, but I kept hitting the snooze till around 2:00, then as I was starting to wake up, Andy buzzed. When he came up here, he was surprised I had it all set up already and was really impressed. I made us a cup of coffee then we went to Johnson’s, Burger King, and Strawberries Records in West Springfield where I bought the soundtrack album Goya which only has one song on the whole thing by Gloria and some other guy.

Then on the way home, we stopped at Shopper’s Drug where I wrote out a check for a carton of Merits. Fucking $15! In another year or so a carton will cost almost $20.

Guess what? Andy and I are going to the beach tomorrow. I’m really looking forward to going. It’s fun to get out and away and we love the beach so much. I’m sure it’ll be cold but I’m wearing my new bikini anyway. I’ve got the body for one now, that’s for sure.

Later…

Well, I just had a lovely encounter with Rita G on the first floor who was here when I last was. I went down to the laundry room and forgot my keys so I went up and knocked on her door to borrow her keys so I wouldn’t have to go all the way back up here, and she screams in a loud, snotty voice, “What do you want?!”

Before I could even finish a sentence, she pushed me away and says, “Get the fuck away,” then slammed the door.

What a bitch! That was totally uncalled for. I think she got some prank phone calls a long time ago and thought it was me, but it wasn’t. I never could get her number. It’s non-published. I’ll tell you one thing for sure and that’s that I’m gonna knock her one if she ever steps out of line like that again. I never did anything to her to deserve this. I’m not taking any shit from anyone in this building.

A little while ago, after I finished my laundry, I heard Eddie in the hallway downstairs. He might have been yelling at someone, as usual, and at first, I thought he knew I was back and was coming up here. I’m dying to see his reaction whenever we do run into each other. If he starts anything, I’m not gonna walk away or just stand there cuz he needs to know that as long as I live here, I will not tolerate any shit from anyone.

Later…

Andy just buzzed to say that tomorrow we’re gonna do something else cuz it’ll be too cold.

I wonder if I’ll see the psycho tonight. I’m sure he’s already been scouting around today anyway. What else has he got better to do?

I’m surprised that with the nicer view Sasha has that she’s not in the windows more often. Maybe she has been when I haven’t noticed. I’ve seen her a few times though.

Every time this refrigerator shuts off it makes this funny noise.

Sasha just jumped up on the bed and is cleaning herself. She’s so cute and everyone that’s seen her says so. She definitely is cuter than most cats.

SATURDAY, MARCH 18, 1989 Today has been somewhat boring but ok, nonetheless. I got my refill on my Navane and also bought a new flashlight cuz Fran stole mine. He probably thought I’d never notice, but now that he knows I did, I’ll probably never see him again. I also have to get a new calculator. I’ll never even get the money for the records I gave him.

I asked Joe at Saratoga Drug if he’d save me boxes. He said yes, and I’m to go there next Wednesday to pick some up. I gave them my new address for their prescription records.

The only bitch to moving is that there are so many changes to make. My license, the bank, SS, the post office, welfare, the phone company and God knows who else. I’ve got to take care of all that next week.

Ma says to watch the mail for two big envelopes. Probably the dress she says she bought.

I have so many expenses coming up with moving, cable, the phone and the dating service. I’m gonna cancel the cable but I’m not gonna pay them all at once. I’d rather only have a VCR although the reception is better with cable. I’m gonna have to pay for gas and electricity when I move too. I’m gonna have to really cut out my long-distance calls.

Later…

Where the hell is Nervous? I’ve left messages for 4 days in a row and I haven’t heard from him. Maybe he is out screwing someone.

Russ called about cleaning his house on Monday morning at 9:00. The thing that petrifies me is getting attacked by a dog. He says there’s one large dog loose in the neighborhood, but that it doesn’t attack. I’m still scared. Ever since I nearly got attacked in Longmeadow, I’ve been scared to walk the streets cuz of strays.

FRIDAY, MARCH 17, 1989 I’m psyched! I’ve been waiting forever for this day to come. I’m moving! Back to my old place on April 1st. Russ called Mom and Dad in Florida, and they’re paying April’s rent, then from now on they’ll send Russ $140 a month, and I’ll pay $300. I’m paying to move me, too. I’m gonna be working for Russ cleaning his house, and his maintenance guy is gonna move me. Russ is gonna talk to him.

I’m so happy! Goodbye, Puerto Rico! Bruce is gonna help me by getting me boxes and changing my locks. Andy’s gonna buy my bars, cuz of course, I won’t need them, and Jessie’s gonna move my stereo and pianos and whatever else in her car. I’ve already packed tons of shit.

I ran into Linda today at the gas station and I told her about it and I’m kind of upset now cuz she was supposed to come over two hours ago and didn’t and I’m really getting to like her a lot now. She moved too, out of the house she and her ex-girlfriend owned.

You will not believe the horrendous experience I had yesterday afternoon at Friendly’s. I finally met Mary, and oh my God, what a disgusting, pitifully pathetic case! She’s so ugly! Blistery zits all over her face, braces, gross body, her clothes looked like they were 100 years old and had never been washed. She was so insecure, nervous and shy. The things she said were so stupid. She looks like an unstable, immature little kid. She was pulling her sleeves over her hands saying, “I’m so shy. People say I give them bad vibrations.”

When I went to reach for a cigarette, she jumps and I said, “Oh, I’m sorry. Would you rather I wait?”

She said, “No, it’s just that you’re so good-looking and I’ve never seen anyone more attractive.”

I thought to myself, Of course you’re saying that cuz you’re an ugly jerk. If you were decent or attractive you wouldn’t waste your time saying that.

I called Tammy and she said not to worry, and that that always happens the first time, before she went on to tell me about all the ugly losers she got before she met Bill.

I called Pam and told her and she sympathized with me and said she’d make it up to me by sending someone else.

I’m on cloud 9 about moving but hurt that Linda never showed up or called. She’s no Gloria, but I’m really getting to like her. Something’s definitely there. Just something attracts me, and I feel she’d be good to me.

I told Tammy I’d be moving and gave her my address. She seemed happy. Everyone’s happy for me.

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 15, 1989 Yesterday I fell asleep really early in the evening and then at 9:30 or so I slowly became aware of an unfamiliar voice on my answering machine, so I called back and it was a referral from Woman to Woman. Her name is Mary. Like I need to meet another person with that name! Haven’t I met enough people with that name anyway?

Well, anyway, she doesn’t really seem like my type. Just the way she was talking, her choice of words and attitude. I could be wrong cuz you can’t really get to know someone over the phone just by talking to them once. But it seems like I’ll never have what I have in mind. Maybe my standards are too high, but I want what I want.

She says she’s 5’ 4” with auburn hair and that she’s slightly overweight and wears glasses and lives with her mom in Westfield. Of course, I always get overweight people and I hate glasses and I wish she had her own house. She says her hair is long and she’s 27 years old and she’s never been with a woman before. Shit! I want someone who has experience with women.

I suppose whatever and whoever I get is always better than a man just so long as they aren’t another Mary D. Or as ugly.

Later…

Every single fucking morning at this time there’s some car warming up gunning its engine and I’m really beginning to consider going out there and knocking a piece of my mind into this guy. It’s ridiculous.

I can’t wait now, believe it or not, for the warm weather so Andy and I can go to the beach. I can’t wait to wear my new swimsuits.

I’d like to order this strapless mini dress from this catalog I have, but not a bathing suit cuz I can get one just as good at A.D.S. Fashions for less money. The dress costs $16, so I’ll just wait a while.

I filled out that application, so I’ll just wait and see what happens. I’ll mail it today.

Maybe I’ll call my hairdresser, Dee, to get an inch trimmed off the bottom straight across and also my bangs to get it closer to one length. I’d kind of also like her to take the perm out. I’m getting a little sick of it but it does look nice and she did an excellent job. It’s just that I hate how all the hair from the top of my hair is dead. The rest of it is very healthy, soft and silky.

I forgot to mention that I set up a time to meet with Mary at Friendly’s on Sumner Ave. this Thursday at 5 PM. She says she doesn’t know Springfield that well and if she doesn’t “forget” she’ll be there. I’ll probably call her tonight to remind her. I’m not going all the way up there for nothing, and it gets dark soon after 5:00.

The one thing I hate about waking up really early is that no one’s up and nothing’s open.

Tammy called me yesterday saying her cousin from Georgia is flying in for a few days.

My show Unsolved Mysteries is on tonight which I’m looking very forward to seeing cuz I missed it last week.

Later…

Stuart is on the phone now. He’s worried about going to court again for prank phone calls.

Right now I heard this really weird noise outside. Some kind of hissing sound.

Stuart said he’d get back to me later. I really want to get together with him and see how he looks now. He’s grown his hair longer in the back so he says. It’s been close to a year since I’ve seen him.

I pray to God I get my old place back. Stuart and I would be neighbors, and also Jo Leary still lives there. If Eddie bothers me I’ll pop him one, not caring how sick he is with Alzheimer’s disease.

To tell you the truth, I haven’t felt much better since Sasha left, but the new medication and the shots should hopefully help a lot.

Later…

I just got back from having a bite to eat with Stuart. He looks pretty good, but his hair doesn’t look longer to me. It still looks the same. He says I look too thin now. He’s gained some weight in the gut.

The most puzzling thing happened. Stuart went into Carabetta’s office to tell Shauna that he’d pay his rent soon. She looked and acted funny and said, “And you’re with Jodi.”

Whatever the hell did she mean by that? Stuart and I wonder. Probably cuz we’re both so flaky.

Earlier, before going out with Stuart, I spoke with Mary again and still feel she’s not really going to be my type. She seems to have a negative attitude and is very down on herself at times. I don’t feel we have anything at all in common. She doesn’t really interest me. She believes there’s no such thing as a permanent relationship cuz people change so much and that the average relationship between two women only lasts two years. She doesn’t want to move in with anyone either, she says.

I swear I’ll never get the one I dream of. In reality, it seems like the perfect love with the right woman is just too much to ask for. It’s not fair.

I hope the next two I meet will turn out better.

I sensed from what Mary was saying that most people find her unattractive. Sure, if she’s overweight and wears glasses. I hate glasses.

Jessie says she’s gonna spy on me when I go up to Friendly’s to meet her. I asked her if she really wanted to go see what she looks like. Then I won’t feel so alone. She is gonna take me up there but we’re gonna walk in separately, then after a while, I’ll pretend to notice her all of a sudden. Hopefully, if I don’t come home with Mary, Jessie can take me home. It’ll be dark then.

Later…

I just had a very long interesting talk with Andy about the book Helter Skelter. He’s gonna lend me the book to read.

I forgot to mention earlier that when I was cutting through the driveway onto Oswego St. after seeing Dee, I almost got killed. This car which I never heard cuz it was on my deaf side came whizzing by me and just missed me only by inches with a cruiser chasing it. They went around the block, then in back of buildings 25 and 21 no doubt thinking they could get out, smashed into the dumpster and then abandoned the car. It was 3 young black, a guy and two girls. Then Mattie and I were on our way inside when we saw them hiding behind the bushes under Dotty’s window. Then they ran again. It was either a stolen car or drugs.

I’ve got to get the fuck out of this neighborhood and fast. This place is crazy. You never know if you’ll be alive the next day or if in the middle of the night the building will be set on fire.

TUESDAY, MARCH 14, 1989 Andy and I had a blast earlier tonight on the phone ranking on people, then I got really tired, but I want to just stay up and write. It totally cleanses my soul.

I just spoke to Andy a few minutes ago which I wanted to do before I continue writing. While on the phone with him I looked back into my other journals and read him about the day we were at the beach and also the day he taught me how to play La Isla Bonita but I have yet to find the day he taught me Talk To Me or the day we met up again which was downtown at the Sheridan where he still works. He now works at the Holiday Inn. He needed the extra money to support himself with his new apartment.

Later…

Can you believe that after all this time I still remember all my other phone numbers? I don’t think I’ll change it again when I move.

I’ve called my old numbers before to see if anyone’s called looking for me, and sometimes they have. The guy at my first number which was listed said a few people called looking for both me and Michelle L, the fucked-up roommate I had on Locust St.

I wonder just what kind of life good old Crystal C is leading now. Everyone who knows her knows what a loser she and her sweet old boyfriend are. They’re definitely meant for each other.

Also, Mary D is always gonna live a very lonely life with her usual slew of non-stop problems. She’s also going to get her ass severely kicked with the way she is. She’ll never have anyone decent any more than Crystal ever will.

Good old Nellie R is gonna no doubt spend most of her life in jail. I never met anyone so sick, cruel and cold-blooded, but it ended with her knowing just what I knew about her and thought about her, and God help any of these people if I catch them on the streets.

Oh, and don’t I remember that black bitch Barbara T so well? The user probably lives out on the streets or in someone’s cellar.

I spoke to Mom earlier and I pray to God she can help me out of here and into my old apartment by April which is when Russ says my place will be vacant again. She claims there are a few people interested in the house, but I know that it might take forever for that damn stupid house to sell. She also said they might not be coming home until the end of May, and of course, this year I’m not going to Florida. I give anything to stay alone at the beach, but of course not. I’m still a little girl, Tammy’s welcome, but not me. Not even if I was straight and married.

Later…

Last night I fell asleep between the hours of 4:00-5:00 only to wake up at 7:00 to go to the bathroom. I thought I’d never go back to sleep, but I was exhausted, so I forced myself, then I woke up again at 10:30 to someone’s pounding or hammering. I couldn’t tell if it was upstairs or downstairs.

Dotty said the Puerto Ricans upstairs moved out. I hope not cuz they were really nice and I’m worried as it is about who they’re gonna put downstairs in Hank’s old place, and as you know, Carabetta takes anybody. Yesterday morning, I thought I heard footsteps upstairs and was hoping the older couple, Emanuel and Iris, were still there and that it was only their daughter, son and grandson who moved out, but I don’t know. Time will tell. Their names are still on the mailbox. It sure would be quieter if the kids only moved out. They used to run back and forth up there constantly, although I shouldn’t talk. They’ve never once complained about me or my music.

I was surprised Linda never called me yesterday and I even left her a message. I really hope she’s not interested in me cuz I hardly ever see her although that may mean nothing, cuz Mary used to claim how much she was in love with me and wanted me though I only saw her once in a lifetime. But of course, it was the biggest favor she did for me. Linda’s so ugly, too. In a way, she reminds me of Mary.

Later…

I had a long conversation with Bruce today and he made me realize there’s so much more to learn on the piano. Scales, keys, chords and all kinds of things. I really want to go to school to learn but I’m so afraid of failing and I really want to graduate with honors.

He says part of making it as a singer is being attractive and that I am very attractive. When I told him why I wish I were ugly sometimes, he said my chances would be zero if I were. I reminded him of how fat actress Roseanne Barr is, and he said that she’s an actress acting in a role that’s suitable for a fat person. I also told him Ella Fitzgerald was fat and he said, “Look how old she is.” So, he definitely has somewhat of a point. You use your looks and image to sell yourself, as well as your talent.

I am not feeling all that great today cuz of the pork I ate last night. I obviously didn’t cook it well enough. I feel pretty lousy and I took my meds too but I’m glad I don’t need to take them every day. I can go a day or two without them. What I need to understand is that I’m not just going to be able to stop overnight. It’ll take time but, in the future, I’ll need them less and less.

MONDAY, MARCH 13, 1989 So far today I’m having an excellent day. I got up at 8 AM and went grocery shopping and already I’ve eaten a fruit cup, a sandwich, some baked stuffed scallops and later I’m going to have a pork chop and something to go with it.

Today I received that application. Before I fill it out I want to speak to my mom. I left a message on her machine for her to call me back.

I doubt very much that I’ll be going to Florida this year. She said something about coming home early this year. Yeah, sure. They probably won’t be home till May.

Guess what? Pam called from the dating service. She says she has a potential referral for me and that she’s going to mail me the information either today or tomorrow. I’m so worried cuz of where I live and my not having a job cuz if she’s decent that’ll really turn her off. You know all my fears and doubts. I don’t have to write about them again. I just hope she’s attractive.

I miss my cat so much and truthfully haven’t improved much since she’s been gone. If I move to my old apartment, she’ll love it. Nervous is taking her to the vet today for her yearly booster and exam. I hope she’s ok. She should be.

Tammy didn’t call yesterday or today but I spoke to Andy last night and I saw his car at his place as I was on my way up to Food Mart.

Again Linda called yesterday saying she’d call me back about coming over, but she never did.

Today I got into an argument with Jessie about her being paranoid about her coming here and parking in the back here. Oh well, that’s her problem.

SUNDAY, MARCH 12, 1989 I was wicked pissed cuz yesterday I slept all day and never did my grocery shopping and today there are no buses. I could get stuff at the gas station but I have no money. It’s all in the bank.

Very early evening yesterday Linda called and I asked her to come over and she said she would and that she’d call me later. So, I finally woke up again around midnight realizing Linda never called or left a message on my machine, so I called Andy and asked him to bring me a pack of butts and to come over. He did, and we had a damn good time.

When he first came over, he was complaining that his stomach hurt him and I started playing the piano and he was saying how he always wanted someone to play for him when he feels lousy. So I began playing Just One Look and said it sucked, but when I finished, he got up, slowly walked over to me and said, “What do you mean it sucks? That was so good. You weren’t even looking at the music. You’ve improved so much. The pain is all gone.”

That made me feel so good to hear him say that. He’s the only one that really appreciates my music. I also sang for him and he said, “Yes, you’ve improved and maybe I should just stick to the piano and let you do the singing.”

I then told him how we should go out and make it together cuz of how close we are and cuz of how much he knows about the business and he says, “Just maybe we will.”

I’d hate to go off and try to make it alone without him who I trust and know so well.

I got a kick out of a couple of weeks ago when I put on my new 2-piece bathing suit to show him how much weight I’ve lost and he was surprised all right. I haven’t even needed to take my water pill for so long but I’m a little scared cuz it’s the time of year now that I lose weight and I surely can’t afford to lose anymore.

I finally have now learned Words Get in the Way by heart without looking at the music and it feels so damn good! I also began playing Blue Bayou. It’s fairly easy.

Today I’m hoping Linda calls. I just left a message for Nervous to call. Last night Tammy called at fucking 1:30. She’s damn lucky I was up. Andy talked to her for a few minutes.

Right now I’ve got to go check yesterday’s mail to see if that application from Russ came yet.

FRIDAY, MARCH 10, 1989 In an hour I’ve got to catch the Sumner Allen bus for my eye exam with Dr. Donatelli. I’ll bring my old glasses I never wear and explain my situation and hopefully get an answer. I really don’t want to have to wear glasses though, and I’m pretty sure most of my problem is due to the medication. I look hideous in glasses and it feels as awkward as if I had a brick sitting on my nose.

I hate this pen. When I go to Food Mart, I want to get some new pens. My printing is so much neater than my writing, but writing is so much quicker.

The night before last, I saw Andy’s new apartment just 5 minutes away. It’s not in the greatest condition, the hallways are filthy, but it’s a cute place, he’s psyched, so I’m happy for him.

Yesterday Nervous bought me the sheet music for Kokomo and Nadia’s Theme. Kokomo is fairly easy, but I can’t even begin for the life of me to figure out Nadia’s Theme.

Now, I’ve got some really shocking news. My last apartment that was big and really nice that I miss so much – well – I’m going back!!!! It’s not definite but I’m pretty sure. The guy that owns it now is Russell S. He’s mailing me an application. My place is to be vacant in April with a new bathroom and new paint job. I can’t wait. I’m so sick of this neighborhood. It’s really bringing me down to the pits. I spoke to Mom about it and she seems to be on my side saying I never should’ve left there. The rent’s $440, but who cares. It’s safe there and pretty compared to here, with no graffiti or trash all over. Safe to leave your door open. Of course, I hope I have nice neighbors and that no one complains about my music. Everyone that was there before is gone now except for Jo. She was the one who gave me Russ’s number.

Later…

I finally did all my laundry, thank God. I also spoke to Jessie who isn’t doing too much grocery shopping cuz she’s got bad cramps, so I’ll go myself up to Food Mart tomorrow and come back in a cab. The only bitch is that on Saturdays the place is mobbed.

I bought this pen I’m writing with now at Store 24 and I love its razor-fine point.

I called up at the Forest Park Grill. Nervo wasn’t there but I spoke to some woman named Helen who says Nervous had lunch with some sexy blond and that he went to her house. This definitely must be a hooker, if it’s even true. Could he really be getting it off with some hooker? Maybe that’s why he hasn’t been so desperate and pushy.

No. No way. He’ll never get anyone with the way he is. Maybe a good screw every now and then from a hooker, if he has the money, but that’ll never stop him from spying on me or coming over for visits. I’m gonna mention it to him, but he might not say much about it. He’s so secretive. If he starts chuckling, then I’ll know for sure like he always does when I ask him something like that, although he may lie and say it’s a girlfriend.

Getting back to this girl Helen I spoke to, she says Nervo told him I sing and play guitar and piano and that she sang too, and asked for me to come in sometime. When I told her I was gay and why that was ok with me she said, “Really? Are you really gay? Wow, not too many people admit that.”

Later…

I feel so good today, as I recover from the flu. Spring is finally in the air. I had all my windows open and was wearing shorts and a tank top. Time really flies when you get older. It seems like just yesterday it was fall.

I will always prefer to be a night person, but I feel healthier when I sleep at night and get up in the daytime.

Later…

I still haven’t received that application in the mail. Oh well. Probably tomorrow.

I’m gonna be so bored for the rest of the day. Guess I’ll go to sleep early seeing I’ve been up since 3:30 this morning.

I wonder if Linda or Tammy will call later.

I sure as hell hope Nervous calls cuz I’m really curious about this sexy blond.

Later…

That fucking Bruce just called, telling me that I’m not good enough for someone decent and that my attitude sucks and that I should drop out of the dating service, but I know he’s just saying all this cuz he can’t have me. He even said he couldn’t handle being just my friend and that I need to change. I told him I’m just gonna be myself, not what anyone else wants me to be, and then he said, “Well, yourself sucks.”

He’s another Al. I mean, he is just like Al. I swear they could be brothers!

It’s not fair. I know I suck and am too intense as he says and this and that, but do I need to be reminded about it every time I talk to him? I hung up on him. I don’t need him.

It’s hard enough accepting the fact that I’ll always be alone, and I can and will in time, but do people have to constantly rub it in? Especially a fucking male? No way am I gonna let a male drag me down.

Right now I’m gonna have a cup of coffee and then go to sleep. I’ve been up so long.

I’m trying to go without the medication, but it is hard. I’ll just really have to convince myself to cope without drugs and that the drugs can’t solve my problems. They’re only fucking me up.

TUESDAY, MARCH 7, 1989 Like an idiot, I went over to this guy’s house two nights ago. I dialed him randomly. We got to talking and he seemed nice enough. Yet I found that he was tripping on coke when I went over to his guesthouse that was in back of his parent’s house in Agawam. I went by cab, which he paid for. Well, he tried to rape me, but I got out of it, which seems like quite a miracle to me. That’s because this guy has all the makings of a serial killer! He was this short, stout, hideously ugly creature that dove at me from the front, knocking me to the floor, after we’d been chatting at his kitchen table. I cried AIDS and it stopped him from getting in there, and he settled for a hand job. Anything to keep him out of me, though I didn’t really have to do much. Within seconds, the sicko came.

Put it this way, if I didn’t have the temper I’ve got, as well as the ability to act, I’d be dead, but I don’t want to talk about it anymore. The guy was a psycho and I’m lucky to be alive. He’s already paid his consequences, though, and this is just the beginning. The guy fucked with the wrong person.

FRIDAY, MARCH 3, 1989 This morning at 10:00, I’m supposed to be in court, but I’m still debating on whether or not to go. I highly doubt they’ll put a default warrant out for me cuz it’s only a show cause hearing and I quit calling the chick I was calling. How she trapped me so quickly beats the shit out of me.

The day before last Tammy came over at around noon and woke me up out of a sound sleep, and then that night Andy came over and cooked us a really nice dinner of pork chops, homemade mashed potatoes and corn. After we watched Unsolved Mysteries together and then we made some calls. It was funny cuz we were crossing people on the 3-way and looking up funny names in the phonebook.

Last night was both enjoyable and interesting. Bruce came over and he really is a sweet person and a fantastic guitar player! I mean he’s super. We both have the same desires and dreams. I sang for him and played guitar and keyboards for him and practiced all night long after he left and guess what?!?! I can play every note of Words Get in the Way. It’s such a good feeling! I tried playing Primitive Love but it’s gonna take time and so is 1-2-3. I’ll get it someday. I can play them, but just a wee bit too slow.

Before I go, I forgot to mention that I got a shit load of makeup by UPS today that I ordered last month. It’s excellent. This nighttime moisturizer repair I got really softens the skin on my face. It isn’t so tight, dry and flaky anymore. I got 3 lipsticks. My favorite one is sort of a shiny gold color. I got 5 eyeliners, nail polish, perfume, Intimate perfume body lotion, a nail file and cuticle pusher, 2 pencil sharpeners, concealing powder, foot bath, soap, aloe vera body lotion, a nail polish corrector pen and a 2-year calendar planner.

Today, whether I go to court or not, I do have quite a few things to do such as pay bills and make an appointment at HCC for help filing for aid and also, I want to get Linda’s music book I ordered. It has 159 pages so it must have an awful lot of songs in it.

Tomorrow I just may go to Friendly’s and apply there. It’d be more money and mostly under the table cuz of tips.