#this feels like its written like shit idk why my brain is just GONE rn and im jittery

[space-ninja-fashion-show]

Alden and Kodiak have known each other since their early twenties, have been best friends for just as long. Back then it wasn't about being on the run, about having bounties on their heads. It was just the two of them and eventually a small group of friends causing trouble, stealing supplies, helping where they could

It was also during one of these nights of causing trouble for the orokin/local authorities that Kodiak's leg was injured, and due to not having access to good enough care for it (and over the years, ending up on the run not being conductive of things like physical therapy) it never healed right

It was a smack upside the head for Alden, that what they were doing was truly dangerous. He wasn't going to stop doing it, but he tried to at least get Kodiak out. His injured leg was a good point to argue. While he kept joining the group in their troublemaking, over time it became obvious to everyone involved that he could no longer keep up, until Alden just refused to let him come along anymore

They remained close and Kodiak struggled having to deal with being newly disabled, trying to keep himself afloat despite his criminal record, and being separated from all his friends - bc yes while theyd still come and hang out with him, nothing was the same, he no longer felt like Part Of The Group anymore. Alden esp missed him like hell but absolutely refused to bring him back into trouble and beat himself up for wishing he could (and then also for playing favourites)

This went on for a few months before the authorities breathing down the group's necks could no longer be ignored. And so Alden came to say goodbye to Kodiak before all of them could do it as a group. Bc they'd have to skip town, find somewhere else to hide out for the time being, no intentions of stepping down but they needed to Leave. And no matter how much Kodiak begged Alden to let him come with, he wouldn't allow it. He couldn't

In hindsight, Alden should've been suspicious that Kodiak gave up maybe a bit too fast, but he was too busy feeling sad and trying to enjoy one last evening with his best friend

Early next morning, Kodiak came to say goodbye to the group one last time. Except he did so carrying what little he owned and couldn't do without on his back. Ready with every argument he could gather about making himself useful, about what he could do to help without the risk of falling behind. Everything meticulously planned out

He barely had to present any of it. The group all wanted their friend back. And Alden had never been good at saying no to him

[you-cant-spell-subtext-without]

I’m back on my bullshit and we have GOT TO TALK about 13x08 The Scorpion and the Frog; which serves as a good example of why you should not ONLY watch spn episodes with Cas (partially because of that scene I shamefully blogged about earlier - no I will not link that cursed post here).  The episode title comes from a fable in which the villain is the scorpion.  Interpretations of this fable note its uniqueness lies in the concept that “the scorpion is irrationally self destructive and fully aware of it.”

To quote the scorpion, buddies -  “it’s in my nature.”

Anyway, this episode is subtextually predicated on exploring Dean Winchester’s nature and specifically - his bisexuality, and I’m not only saying that because it opens with Dean in his Bi Colors Plaid (that also he wore on his burger date with Cas).

Let’s get started, after the cut!

Season 13 on its face gives me absolute whiplash because it starts widow arc-reunion-TOMBSTONE and then Jack yeets himself off to Chuck knows where so Cas can go out Looking For Him Because Otherwise He Will Definitely Kiss Dean there is no other option for the writers at this point.  Sigh.  Here, have another shot of Dean anxiously cleaning his gun as he always does when Cas has Gone Off For Reasons -

Anyway, this feels like a filler episode at first, but as always they bury the ENTIRE damn world in it and I am here with my dossier to Unearth It.

Lets start with Bart (demon of terrible nicknames and microagressions) meeting the brothers at Smile Diner to talk about some spell or whatever. 

(I am not thinking about the Cherry Pie meta I AM NOT)

THEY HAVE THE AUDACITY to start with these lines immediately introducing the theme of duality, a thread throughout this episode.

BARTHAMUS

Everything. I've been following your careers a long time. You're a real pain in the pitchfork. And the halo. Natural disrupters. We have that in common, you and I. DEAN

Mm. Yeah, we're twinsies.

***MORE DUALITY!  But as we know, Dean does not like Bart because He Is A Freakin’ Demon

DEAN

Well, see, here's the thing. When a demon tells us to jump, we don't ask how high. We just ice their ass.

UMMM excuse me Barting Bacting Boices?  What is that sexual gaze?  

Then we find out that Bart has 1/2 of the spell.  They need the other 1/2.  Oh, a spell with two parts, you say? [ I am going to scream :) ]

***Also, Dean eats the pie Bart ordered.  I cannot begin to explain to you the state of unwellness that I am in regarding how important this is. DEAN NEVER GETS TO EAT THE PIE, remember?  But in This Filler Episode, Dean eats the pie. While Sam looks at him with a very quizzical expression.  Pie -> what Dean wants but never actually gets -> Dean actively eating this pie.  Dean is coming to terms that maybe he can have what he wants.

***I am reminding you again that this is post widower-arc, post-reunion, and especially post-Tombstone.  Anyway-

Now we get to Smash and Grab.  Not literally even though I want to Commit Such Conduct at this point.  We are introduced to two one off characters named 

Smash (human/female presenting) -  can crack any safe built by man 

and Grab (demon/male presenting)-  expert in bypassing supernatural security.

Reaching or no, you can’t disagree that when spn introduces one off characters - it is almost always a Narrative Parallel or Mirror.

So we have a human and a demon (and Dean Winchester, a human who has been a demon)

who are experts in cracking open/bypassing something that has been secured and guarded (breaking down walls, if you will).  

They also use fake names identifying them as Tools to be Used ( Dean Winchester, the Michael Sword/daddys blunt little instrument)

BONUS:

Dean himself is literally used as a tool in this episode.

So yeah.  Smash and Grab are physical representations of Dean’s duality.  Human/Demon.  Femininity/Masculinity.  Dare we say something else, too?

Anyway, Dean is paired with Smash and Grab; Sam is off to idk negotiate weird artifact purchases lawboy style with Luther Shrike, a man who cannot die so long as he never leaves his house (I cannot even begin to unpack this shit; please just sit there and think about it.  I’m not even going there here.  I CANNOT DISCUSS Luther Shrike RN).

Speaking of things I cannot discuss without halgdhsag;lsa - Smash has very Specific boots (a look overall, really).

DEAN

Hey, Winona. The '90s called. They'd like their shoes back. SMASH

Shh.

***That’s right girl - do not take his shit; he actually LOVES them and is therefore Overcompensating for it with this little jab.

***Dean’s pop culture references and particular attention to the details here Should Not Be Overlooked.  90s! Winona! Ryder!

ANYWAY, then Dean and Smash bond over a caffeinated beverage -

[While Dean is doing a spell, Smash opens a can of drink, takes a mouthful and burps loudly. ] SMASH

Ahh. DEAN

You're weird.

***This scene makes me literally insane. (even aside from Dean living on something named NERVE DAMAGE as a KID.  They could have called it anything. You’re saying this wasn’t a Choice)  

She chugs a swallow of the drink and burps.  Something stereotypically associated with masculinity.  Not feminine.  Dean’s reaction is that she is “weird” - because she is not acting in a way stereotypically, J*hn Winchester brain-rot patriarchy bullshit-tily associated with Being Female.  But also, says the stupid show, they like the same soda.  They are The Same.  She shares the soda with Dean.  HIS FACE WHEN SHE DOES -

Other similarities are addressed throughout the episode (they are working for demons because they have no choice; they don’t discuss feelings/emotions, they both sold their soul, they both This Thing - 

DEAN

You know, we could help you. SMASH

No, you can't. I gotta take care of me.

etc. etc.) Smash is absolutely dean-coded.

****Also it’s textually established that Smash thinks Dean is attractive -

GRAB

[looking at Smash] Oh. You said he was just a pretty face. SMASH 

Shh.

***But Grab flirts with him too.

DEAN

I will kill you. GRAB

I bet you say that to all the girls.

***sorry, Grab - you won’t get far with Dean, but only because as he mentioned in the beginning of this episode - 

Drowley rights.

Now Dean has to put his hand in the mouth of this stone lion thing and all of a sudden he is acting....very-not-like-Dean.

[Dean looks again and takes a deep breath.] DEAN

I… how about this? What if I cut myself, put it on, like, a little piece of paper? We'll just wad it up and throw it in the mouth, okay? Okay. 

***Dean Winchester, who has been to Literal HELL, who has been torn apart by hellhounds, who has battled the devil and angels and God’s sister - all at the expense of his own life is now - afraid of spiders.  Well, technically he has always been afraid of spiders, but why isn’t ‘he being performative about it At This Time??

***Come to think of it, this sends me right back to how Jackles was playing Dean in 12x11 Regarding Dean THE episode dissecting Dean’s performative masculinity [one day I will clean up and post that analysis sitting in my drafts like a sad hamster]. That makes sense actually, because -> -> ->

that episode and this one are both written by Meredith Glynn.  Girl get in I want to torture you affectionately with a barrage of questions.

So here we have Dean and he’s not performing for Reasons, and he’s scared he’s genuinely scared of putting his hand in this stone lion-gargoyle-pig-creature’s mouth and then -

Smash gives him a push.

She gives him a push.  I cannot stop thinking about how she gives him a push.  A push to go do this thing that he is scared of; his fear being something he was hiding under his performative masculinity. Smash - dean coded dean mirror who does not perform femininity and is ‘weird’ -  she   gives   him   a     p u s h.

***linking here for the jackting joices that follow.

Now, let’s circle back to Smash’s story; why she is working for Bart in the first place -

SMASH

You think I wanna be here? Like I have a choice? SAM

You made a deal. SMASH

Wow! You think? SAM

You sold your soul. SMASH

And if I could take it back, I would. 

there is no reason for this picture here other than I needed you to see the jackting again

***How does the story end for Smash?

DEAN

Take care of you. [Dean glances down at the box, and then at Smash. She sees that Dean has put a lighter on top of the bones.]  BARTHAMUS

Alice, chop chop! 

[Bart indicates she should get his bones]. SMASH

Yeah. [She grabs the lighter and sets Bart's bones alight. Bart screams as he bursts into flames. ] 

***She accepts help and breaks free from the narrative, literally burning it down. The female presenting but not female-performing “weird” ooc representing a side of Dean breaks FREE because she makes a choice.  The lighter Dean drops? It’s a push.  And she goes with it.

Alice reclaims her story.

(Also, Grab gets ganked.  The male presenting ooc; the performative masculinity side; the demon; the darkness; the not-humanity - gets ganked).

Guess what Dean says to Alice when they say goodbye?

DEAN

Hey, Alice. Stay weird.

[I know the peace sign is probably just a Charlie throwback but I’d still like to say duality.  Two. ]

Dean’s not just talking to Alice.  He’s talking to himself; because the walls have been breached and for once Dean isn’t as scared of being different.  Maybe, just maybe, he’s going along with the push.  That’s exactly how the episode ends - with Dean feeling a little more hopeful, a little more at peace; a little more Considering he is capable of not only loving Cas but also not hating himself for it. 

[until the knowledge that Mary is still alive and the guilt of allowing himself ANY happy thoughts instead of looking for her miserably rears its ugly head in 13x09 and round and round we go but for NOW at least -> ]

DEAN

I'll drink to that.

(oh look Dean is just wearing his henley.  It’s almost as if a layer has been peeled back).

tagging @im-shaking-like-milk​ and @deanwasalwaysbi​ for letting me ramble on to them while writing this; and @lilac-void​ because you are always so kind about my stuff :)

[ambersky0319]

GONNA RAMBLE ABOUT THE NEW VIDEO SO

SPOILERS AHEAD

note this was written AS I was watching the video and NOT after finishing it

Roman and Thomas saying they could have just talked with Lee and Mary Lee at the beginning? Hell yes. Exactly. Best option. Should have done that.

Patton is walking on thin fucking ice. Think his friends would have felt guilty for asking Thomas to stay at the wedding? Maybe they would have, bUT YOU WOULDNT KNOW THAT UNLESS YOU TALKED TO THEM. And!!! Who knows, maybe they would have AGREED that Thomas going to the callback instead was a good idea! And just. What about Thomas? He's clearly feeling shitty. A conversation could have possibly made him feel better, if he had talked with his friends and just communicated better then maybe everyone could have been happy-

Just. Urgh. Patton. Want to slap him rn honestly.

Also

Roman clearly looking off. Like, he's clearly upset but he's trying. He's defending Patton even if he doesn't necessarily agree with Patton's statements/ideas and just. Yeah. Whereas Patton, although he says he's realizing how he's compromising Thomas's happiness, idk, it still feels like he doesn't actually care? Or at least, he doesn't understand why Thomas is feeling shitty and he's not trying hard enough to understand.

Also, the video game thing is... Okay, I guess? Not really my favorite thing to ever happen. The censorship whenever he curses looking like a coin tho is nice.

Okay. No. No no no no. Patton no. That sharp intake of breath when Roman said you didn't need to give the guy a hotdog. No. No no no.

But also.

That's not... A good comparison. To the wedding and how it would make Thomas feel.

Neither the callback or the wedding affects someones survival. One is not a game and the other someone needing food. Both are luxuries, as Patton stated. You don't need a wedding, and you don't need a callback(Though the callback has more benefits since, if gone well, it could kick off your career). It just. Idk. Wrong example I think to use in this scenario.

"You shouldn't do a good thing just because it makes you feel good."

Listen. Before, I didn't mind Patton. I really, really didn't. But. Jesus, I want nothing more than to punch him rn.

Also love Logan's explanations but oh my stars its distracting me from what Thomas, Roman, and Patton are saying-

"You just... KNOW."

People don't necessarily know what the right thing to do IS tho. Thanos believed he was doing the right thing (my knowledge on the MCU is limited but I'm fairly certain Thanos didn't believe he was doing wrong) to him, wiping out half the universe was the right thing to do.

Clearly it wasn't, but it proves that not everyone believes the same thing when it comes to what's right vs what's wrong.

Also, the trolley problem. Honestly surprised I didn't think that would pop up!

Oh my fucking STARS ROMAN'S GONNA MAKE ME CRY WHILE HE TALKS ABOUT GETTING IN THE WAY JUST, FUCK

And just

Patton's logic is... Hurting my brain. It feels like going in circles. That just me?

THANK YOU LOGAN FOR POINTING THIS OUT: PATTON HAS BEEN CONTRADICTING HIMSELF

AND THATS WHY IM SO FRUSTRATED WITH HIM

JESUS FUCK THAT TRANSITION IS TOO MUCH NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE

NOT EVEN GONNA BE PERSUADED TO BE A FAN OF THIS VIDEO GAME STYLE

Wait shit the sdv reference is COOL THO okay I like that little bit but just- the rest of it like Patton looking like that and just it feels like too much!!!

DEE'S THEME

YES

HAPPY TO SEE DEE

"Not that any of you care, but I am unharmed." Oh I am SO USING THAT IN FICS great angst potential!

SELFLESSNESS AINT ALWAYS THE ANSWER

LOVE THAT LINE

ROMAN SINKING OUT AND THERES ONLY 10 FUCKING MINUTES FUCK NO NO NO

Also, Deceit's named Janus!! I actually quite like that!!! Gonna take a while to get used to tho

So

We aren't gonna address Roman sinking out? Or any of his insecurities? We aren't... No? Like, no? He was just compared to Remus and left. Didn't even pop up in the end. Just. Oh. Okay. No addressing that then.

[bma-2020]

Okiedok here’s the delio. I have a list of all the blogs from the last six months who’s actively either responded to a meme i sent, responded to a message ive sent, replied to something regarding mally herself, has actually written with me, written a starter for me from my liking a starter call, has at least liked a starter i wrote for them to awknowedge it exists, all that jazz, i have a lot of open field so it’s not just a possible tumblr didnt let them no option anymore, because i send memes to everyone who posts them that i see. I reply to most peoples ooc posts. I like most starter calls I pass by. I try my darndest to actually interact bc i know how it feels to be ignored and its… i’ve been called one before so i’m using the word, thats fluffing cunty behavior, and honestly if you complain about not being interacted with but never even try when i try with you, ya being cunty, end of. I gotta list. That list only entails Mally because she’s who I care about the most. I’m probably gonna start instilling a new rule in all my blogs that if you ignore Mally and/or Darcy( @tasedandconfused ), since I would say they’re my two main blogs tho darcy gets ignored even more than mally does, probably bc i denied canon and left it entirely we know fandom hates that, if either of them is ignored then… Ya out of luck, I’m gonna unfollow you. I’m debating soft blocking everyone who ignored me on both of them but I don’t want to like be mean and deny the chance to eventually try again but at the same time i shouldnt feel bad for taking a stand and saying this is bullsheet, idk my anxiety says im awful for giving a fluff about myself but also i should give a fluff about myself probably, ive nearly died in the last three months, my brain almost exploded, i just had three root canals on one corner of my face, i have to potentially get surgery on my inner ear which i cant even afford, i dont got time to deal with only being used for like smut memes or like as a resource blog or utter bs like that, i dont got time for it. So new rules here. 1: If Mally or Darcy are not acknowledged, written with, responded to, viewed as more than just their fluffing bodies? ya dropped, im unfollowing, potentially soft blocking, which means blocking and unblocking for those not in the know, on all accounts I follow you on. Every single one. I know most of my muses are on sideblogs but despite not being able to send memes from sideblogs you can block people from sideblogs fun fact, i will do that if i have to. 2: I’m gonna be posting SCs, PCs, memes, etc. I like and respond to plotting calls, starter calls, i send memes, all of that. If I don’t get any response within.. I’m giving one week for people who don’t run on a queue and a month and a half to people on a queue based system, if i dont get anything within that time like at least an im being like ‘its posted’ or ‘its queued i wanted to let you know in case tumblrs a fluffbutt’ (i do this sometimes if i dont get even just a like on the starters i post so i at least know people saw it since i know tumblrs bs, i wait until the day they’re active to do so in case theyre busy yknow) basically i need acknowledgment at all. No you can’t claim this is abt follower count bc when you unfollow someone they inevitably unfollow you too, thats gonna drop my following, not as quickly as soft blocking would but i wanna be fair i guess, which leads to: 3: I’m basing this on your activity too, like if i like a think and you’re gone for a month after that its fine, im not gonna unfollow you unless you never come back or youre online and posting others just not mine because that tells me youre specifically ignoring me and im gonna drop you for that end of. I’m done with the bullsheet im done w the dillish behavior, i love friendship but if im giving and never receiving thats extremely one way and not gonna work. I check through my follow list weekly and i go back about five-10 pages on someones feed before i unfollow them to see their actual activity and see if theyre here or if its a q so. I’m thorough basically. 4: You dont have to be active with me on all your blogs, i mean i’d prefer it but thats hard as fluff so essentially if you have like five blogs and are just like trying w me on two or three thats fine. Ten blogs, four or five with at least a plot formed is cool. Multis just one muse is all I’d need. I’m not gonna unfollow the blogs youre not writing w me on if you at least write w me on some. Again, specifically Mally and/or Darcy. If you ignore both of them, we’re done. I havent been active on darcy because of being ignored and its a huge butt mess and im just tired i wanna use my babies, you don’t get to have my ‘better’ muses like i know a lot of ppl only follow me for my boys or my villains, you don’t get them if you ignore my baby. But, there is a limit there too. 5: If you never respond to a meme or thread even once with Mally or Darcy, or post a starter, i reply, its never replied to again after a month, I’m unfollowing and/or soft blocking for that too. Bc that means youre just raising my hopes to fluff with me or get someone else and honestly, youre even more cunty than than the people just flat out ignoring me if you do that. And this isnt a specific person, this is five of the people actually on my list. Yes, my list is also annotated with specifics again I was very thorough on this yesterday, I hyperfixated I’ll admit it, I’m in a fluffing depressionary bubble and being told to get over it because people want something they dont deserve to have to. I am a believer that people deserve good things but if youre purposefully being cunty… no you dont. 6: No I’m not releasing my list, maybe I will and I’ll omit the urls because I don’t want people being buttholes to each other too but otherwise, yall not seeing it im not giving a callout because… really thats just unnecessary here. I don’t think yall are toxic people or something i just think yall are unintentionally being cunty. And no I don’t mean everyone that follows me i mean the ppl that add up to what i’ve documented so far and fit the bill of butthat that i’ve shown, its behaviors yall gotta check before ya wreck. Yes there will be some people who have priority, everyone has those people, I write w kathryn on other platforms since she doesnt go on here as often but when Kathryn returns from war here (if she does cause she also agrees most ppl on this platform are cunty, i feel really bad saying that word so often but im gonna keep doing it i recently deleted an ask saying I was a huge cunt for not sending someone smut memes when I didn’t even follow them or know they existed so, again the travesty of this place is nutballers) same with owly, alex is here too, my most active partners are always going to be priority because theyre the ones who show the most interest and the most care. I understand that with others as well which is why I have the timeframe set up, because I want to be as open and shizz as possible while atill being firm i guess. I don’t want to have extreme double standards like its impossible for double standards not to exist at least a little bit but I want to avoid a golden chest full of them I guess. 7: I don’t have a seven rn, this was an even number and it bothered me. Seven is nust my warning that I’m bittery writing this on mobile so formatting is not real but i tried my dandest to make this look like something people might actually mind. I dont want to be butty, i dont want to be awful, i dont want to start drama or have drama but that shizz comes around anyways so i might as well make my space as okay for me as i can cause im supposed to avoid stress so my brain doesnt almost explode again, like again i almost fluffing died i dont need ppl fake being my friend or anything, i want stuff to be real and clear. I want to be happy to be on here again and have fun like i used to since my health is plummetting and I’m not allowed to go outside near plants by myself anymore because i welt up. I have plants outside my work place and im surrounded by chemicals all day long I’m welted from here to new york constantly and never comfortable in my own skin because of it and constantly see people online acting like these actual real problems are pretentious because ‘its an excuse’ when, im a fluffing sagittarius, do you know how much i want to magically be a millionaire so i can pay for friends and my own medical stuff and go on traveling and adventures, be outside probably not camping bc as a pagan i know thats a death sentence but like be outside, lay on grass, go back to swimming because i used to swim competitively and due to health reasons i can barely even go in a pool anymore because theres too much sunlight which, bit plot twist i know, im fluffing allergic to vitamin D and the rays of the sun, so go figure, attempts to be healthy kill me more, i also cant eat most plants and am constantly dying from just eating food, they dont know whats wrong with me. i cant fix it by going ve/gan for a month inf act i tried and it almost made my heart stop thanks society. These arent excuses these are the lives of disabled and diseased and to a lesser but still very real point, ethnic lives every fluffing day. This is real shit and its murder and online and gaming? It may be all I have soon since I can’t just go out and make new friends cause, again, I’d fluffing die. I get sick going to the mall or the movie theater, I miss theme parks so much but have to minimize it to weeks i dont have work so i dont get fired for having a welt while working in the beauty industry. I may have to get a degree online and change my field entirely because of my illness that nobody understands. People even make fun of it constantly online and I wish I could just drop online entirely because of how unbelievably ableist the entirety of the world is, i wish i could drop humans in general for their ableism, but i cant. I don’t have choices in most cases, but throwing away people who maybe purposefully maybe unintentionally thats why i’m giving you this warning and will be repeating this warning for awhile, this is where i have choice. I have to use what little choice I have in life while I can since everytime i go to movies or a concert or a theme park i almost die because of not having an immune system that functions or being in certain air qualities pr being near plants or unclean people, I may not have much time and I gotta do whats best for what little mental health I have, and if that means dropping people i care about and really want to write with and do things with but who ignore me then, i guess so be it.

[nicolekidmanwigfactory]

my current depressive episode was caused by “Lady Bird”  TL;DR the end

this is just a rant. i didn’t edit it except to correct errors as I went. Either read it or don’t. the run up to finals are stressing me out and bringing out my insecurities so i need to vent. don’t reblog. Beware it goes all over the place. 

Other than the fact i’m now depressed, i really did like lady bird (laurie metcalf is my current pick for supporting actress, but it’s still early to be definitive)

tl;dr at the end.

i saw lady bird over the weekend and the experience of going to a single sex catholic high school has me dwelling on everything i chose to miss out on bc i was fat, bc i felt i didn’t deserve to be happy bc fat people don’t deserve happiness (or at least if they;re me). she was doing all of that teenager bs and i don’t think there was a single thing in that movie she did that I can say I did in high school.

like, i lost the weight in undergrad. but got cancer and developed and eating disorder in the process. so it’s like i was never intended to be thin. always destined to be fat and unhappy bc fat = unhappy. yes i know that’s not true but it’s still my gut rxn even though i always challenge it

but since lady bird all i can think about is what i missed out on. had i been thin in hs, would i have realized i was gay then? would i have realized i didn’t actually like girls bc maye then i’dve gotten some attention from them. i mean, that was my main evidence for denial in undergrad. i can’t be gay bc “i’m not thin enough for girls to like me yet. i’m only having this attraction to guys out of desperation” or some shit like that. had i been thin in hs, maybe i’d’ve had a support system for the eating disorder and depression- those are in the family history, idk if they’d have gone away if i’d been thin to start with. if i’d been thin in hs maybe i wouldn’t be so jaded about the catholic hs i went to. maybe id still be in the blind about what a hypocritical republican vote machine it is (through no fault of the jesuits themselves). that it’s just a mecca for the wealthy to put their sons in one place, or that its emphasis on catholic social teaching attracted them to the school but then they get angry when theyre busted for telling the few (mostly) lower income hispanic students to go back to mexico (i saw that on the news) or telling the black students they only liked and voted for obama in ‘08 bc he’s black, a “half N-word” meaning a “good” black person (that is seared in my brain) or that white people only voted for Obama bc that was the cool thing to do

but rn, i’ve been dwelling on a lot of the social experiences i missed out on in hs. i wasn’t out of the closet yet, but i wasn’t even doing the “straight” ones. i don’t regret not going to prom and homecoming (never appealed to me) but i didn’t have a group of friends to hang out with on the weekends, or meet anyone from the all girls school through them. being “cousin” schools of sorts seemed to make it possible for everyone to reach those milestones of puberty- first kiss, make out sesh, dry hump, and on... everyone but me it seemed (obviously not though). i was already struggling with being gay and trying to deny it, and seeing how my homophobic classmates treated the one out kid my freshman made me never want to go through that. it just seems that if i’d been thin, i could’ve hetero non-confirmation and figured out i was gay earlier and learned to handle it with confidence. bc there was a gay my senior year i could’ve fallen for if i’d let myself

i’m rambling i know. i didn’t intend to write on and on like this but here i am

but since i saw lady bird the other night the stuff that i’m really dwelling on, in case you can’t tell, is the romance stuff from my hs days, and that’s what i really struggle with in terms of my body image and eating disorder issues. lady bird got herself two really cute guys just like that it seems. and they were both thin of course. the romantic aspirations of the one fat character in the movie was, of course, treated mostly as a joke by giving her a crush way out of her supposed league (I mean, he was also a teacher and clearly wasn’t sending or returning signals).

so i again got to witness others having the adolescence i denied myself bc i decided i didn’t deserve it. because i was fat. because fat people don’t deserve happiness. because fat people don’t deserve love. because fat people don’t deserve anything good. because fat people don’t deserve good things

i know this is 100% false. but i STILL fight these thoughts everyday. they’re not consistent and active, but they’re still in the background, nagging at me and reminding me why i’m worthless and a failure if something goes wrong or something bad out of my control happens. “that parking ticket is bc you’re fat” or “that chair broke bc you’re fat, not bc your knee was in the weak spot.”

so when i saw lady bird having those adolescent experiences, it just reminded of the adolescent experiences that i’m not having now. i didn’t come out until after i graduated from undergrad, so they say at age you live through the teenage growing pains and such of sex and romance in your twenties bc you didn’t have the chance to do it when your were “supposed” to. but i’m not doing it now. i’ve only gone on a total of three dates since i came out and in all of them i was still catfishing with my old photos before regained the weight i lost in undergrad when my bulimia turned into non-compensatory binge eating disorder. the first guy didn’t show. the second guy seemed disappointed by saw it to the end. he never texted me again (but i didn’t either bc i was so ashamed). and the guy i liked most, i confessed what i did and cancelled the date bc i felt so bad. he was disappointed but i think he appreciated the (eventual) honesty. we still chat on snap from time to time. and then there was a really hot guy who knew what i actually looked like and wanted to go out, but he turned out to be an escort

even looking like i do, i know i could go out and find a quick hook up but i guess being the product of 18 years of catholic education has impressed on me the value of commitment in a relationship before sex. i’m not saying you gotta be 100% exclusive or get married, but for me, i need to know the person, even if its just a friend. the idea of a nsa hook up leaves me uneasy and while i fantasize about having a hoe phase, until i at least go through that adolescent phase i saw my classmates go through and then relived when i saw lady bird, it’s not gonna happen.

this all makes sense in my head but i’m not going back to edit or clarify what i’ve written. it defeats the purpose of a rant

tl;dr i saw lady bird and it triggered a weird depressive episode rooted in the  extent to which i denied myself happiness during my teen years bc i was so ashamed of being fat since i thought i didn’t deserve to be happy. seeing lady bird have so many of the experiences i’ve never experienced, even as a gay man in his 20s when late-blooming gays are supposed to go through that phase, makes me feel like i’m wasting my time on earth. i’ve beaten cancer and i’m successfully treating my eating disorder and depression, but have nothing to show for it. and when else except the homestretch of the semester for all of this to occur?

[master-of-procrastination]

Nightlife asks tag thing

thank youu @greendaygiggles for tagging mee Ill do my best (i dont really know if this is how its supposed to go but oh well)

Candy Apple: Favourite color? Idk purple or green or blue

Go For a Ride: What’s a place you’ve always wanted to visit? Antarctica (and omg I’m finally going in like summer 2019 we finally saved up enough money Im so excited ahhhh)

A Little Lust and Greed: You’re given $1000, how do you spend it? I’d probably put in in like a savings account and just use it for band-related stuff (merch, cds, concerts etc)

Hey Boy Come Over: Which member of Green Day would you call over to talk with? Idk I feel like you can have really good conversations with mike but like you could probably have really fun random chats with tré so one of them 

My black heart beats: Have you ever done something you regret? every day

Crimson and clover: Favourite flower? poppies or wine red roses idk why

Operator, Operator: Age you got your first cell phone 12

Under Your Skin: Do you have tattoos? Piercings? nope my parents are extremely paranoid and Im not old enough to get them on my own (almost though, almost)

Cheap champagne stain: Favourite alcoholic drink? Non-alcoholic? Depends on the moment, but I really like gingerbeer and like lemon/lime/bitters stuff

More in your pants than a bus route: Do you read fanfiction? Have you written fanfiction? like seriously the only fanfiction Ive read is the forest fic cause my friend read it to me for some reason but I really dont have time anymore to do reading

I already cut the brakes: Have you ever cut ties with a friend and not regretted it? Omg yes all the time... But I really try to be nice to them for a long time and then I just snap and poof gone “friend”

This (Dirnty) city: Favourite bassline of Mr. Dirnt’s (other than Nightlife)? shit idk... like my brain is completely blacking out on basslines atm ajgafkdsl

I Know You’ll be my Clown: Favourite drum solo/section? Im just gonna say jesus of suburbia just cause I really cant think of any songs atm ^^^

I’m a Ringleader: Favourite Billie lyrics? Just still breathing all the way and uhm I really like warning and uhm idk practically all of them

Sounds Like Love: Have you ever fallen in love? Yes

Heart Beats Fast: What was a very exciting situation you’ll always remember? Definitely first time performing (I was so anxious) and uhm like the first time I went in an upside-down-rollercoaster

Explore my Vocal Cord: What song do you think you sing almost (or as well) as the original singer? Idk which song I can sing like the original singer but my school band is doing Hard Times by Paramore rn and I think Im okay at it

I Run the Show: Are you a ringleader in life or a member of the circus? definitely member of the circus. I am terrible at having to be responsible for a group of people

She is my nightlife: Who is someone you could call/text in the middle of the night and they would pick up the phone? Probably my 2 best friends back in the Netherlands (I live in Australia now) just because idk I just really appreciate them 

Okay now im gonna tag some more people hi there @whatsernamerebel @citrusgeoff @ifthisishalloweenwhatischristmas @liquorice-and-gasoline @pastel-jishua @ibthereforeicry