#this episode was just weak on all fronts—the explanation didn’t make a lot of sense either

[sailforvalinor]

Nobody:

NCIS: “Terrorism…murder…PEOPLE WHO PLAY MMO RPGS MIGHT BE INSANE…conspiracy…murder…”

[inadaydream99]

The One Where You Can’t Be Kept Apart

A/N - Thank you 🥕anon for sending in this request and another brilliant idea! I really hope you enjoy what I have come up with ☺️ Also, I was unsure with how to end it, so it took me a little longer to write than usual 😂

Disclaimer: This is inspired by the Friends episode ‘The One With the Memorial Service’ and is in no way my own original idea. I have also used some direct quotes from the episode for the purpose of keeping some fidelity towards the plot.

You huff, folding your arms across your chest as Soobin begins to interrogate you. He’s only been at yours for a few minutes and you’re already tired of him. You get that he’s trying to look out for you and do as you asked of him; which he’s taking incredibly seriously. But is it really necessary for him to pay you a visit sporadically, just to see if he can catch you out?

It’s like he doesn’t trust you. Not that you blame him really, I mean you’ve just broken up with the love of your life, Yeonjun, and asked Soobin to make sure you don’t have any contact with him because you don’t trust yourself to keep away. But just because you have very little self control when it comes to Yeonjun, doesn’t mean that you need to be watched so often.

It’s been about two weeks since you and Yeonjun broke up after being happily together for just over a year. The reason being that you both realised you wanted different things for your future. Things that, even after much debate, neither of you were willing to compromise on.

It had always been your dream to fall in love with your soulmate and get married. Ever since you were little you’d indulge in your fantasy and act out these magical weddings with your friends. You, of course, always played the bride.

Now, Yeonjun has never been opposed to the idea of marriage. He just doesn’t see the point in having this big, expensive wedding. In his opinion it’s a waste of time and money. He would just be happy to elope.

And that’s the main issue that broke you up. You’d been so distraught over the idea of not having the wedding of your dreams, and Yeonjun stubborn in his views, that you’d come to the agreement that if you can’t agree on this then you’re not meant for each other.

From the second he received the news from you crying down the phone, Soobin had barely left your side. He’s been the most amazing friend to you and done everything he can to help you through this break up. And that’s exactly why you feel guilty for finding him annoying right now.

“I know you’re hiding something (Y/N).” Soobin mumbles, more so to himself than to you, but you hear him clearly none the less. “Who’s shoes are these?” He suddenly quizzes you, holding up a pair of dirty black trainers. Ok, so they aren’t the most fashionable shoes ever, but they are comfy and you have lost any motivation to put effort into your appearance right now. All you can seem to focus on is your heartbreak.

“They’re mine.” You deadpan, your sensitivity making it difficult to not be offended. And Soobin really should have known better because if he’d taken a second longer to look at the shoes he’d realise that they are too small to belong to Yeonjun.

“Oh, sorry.” He utters softly, placing the shoes neatly by the front door once again. You watch as he snoops his way around your apartment, in and out of rooms unsatisfied with his lack of finding anything.

That is, until a knock on your front door sounds. You casually make a stand from the sofa where you had previously been slouched, still sulking over Soobin’s insult over your shoes.

“Wait! I’ll get it.” Soobin calls out to you, hurrying past you. He practically pushes you away from the door; not that he intends to, he’s just oblivious to his actions in the moment.

“It’s just the takeout I ordered.” You sigh, throwing your hands up defensively.

Soobin shoots you a frown before turning the handle and swinging the door open.

“Oh my, what are the chances!” You pretend to be shocked, hands flying up to cover your mouth upon the disappointed look Soobin sends you when the door reveals Yeonjun. “7 billion people in the world and they send Yeonjun to deliver my food!” You continue, hoping that you sound believable enough. Though it’s unlikely with the way your best friend has been doubting you from the very second you asked him to help you keep away from Yeonjun.

Soobin simply rolls his eyes at your terrible acting, turning expectantly to look at Yeonjun for an explanation to his presence.

“I’m sorry, but when (Y/N) called I just couldn’t keep away.” His head hangs low, ashamed of his weakness for you… and for getting caught.

“How’d you even call him?” Soobin gawks at you, seriously confused as to how you found a way to contact Yeonjun without having access to a phone. Yes, Soobin had confiscated it first chance he got. But you have to admit that the time away from your phone has been quite nice.

“FaceTime on IPad.” You mumble sulkily, reluctantly admitting how you’d managed to go behind Soobin’s back. You’d hidden it from him so your parents could at least contact you if they needed… or so you’d convinced yourself.

“iPad, of course! I should have known.” Soobin shakes his head, scolding himself for not having realised sooner.

“Soobin, if (Y/N) and I want to see each other, then we should be allow-”

“This doesn’t concern you Yeonjun.” Soobin interjects Yeonjun’s justification. It’s not that he wants to be rude to Yeonjun, or that he doesn’t like him, it’s just that if he allows this then he’s failed at being a good, supportive friend to you.

“Oh really, maybe I was confused considering the mention of my name.” Yeonjun sasses back. “What I was saying was, why can’t we be friends?” Yeonjun, determined to finish what he wants to say, continues. You notice he doesn’t look at Soobin as he speaks, only you. And the pleading look he sends your way makes you melt.

“I guess there’s no harm in that.” You shrug, trying to not show your true emotions as you observe the wide smile that spreads out across Yeonjun’s face. You really had missed his smile so much.

“Well ok then. If you’re just hanging out as friends then I can join, cause I’m your friend and Yeonjun’s friend too.” Soobin announces and you stifle your laughter when you notice Yeonjun grimace at being called Soobin’s friend.

“I guess.” Yeonjun mumbles reluctantly as he is finally able to enter your apartment properly.

The three of you sit on the sofa, Soobin forcing himself in the small space between you. It’s awkward. No one knowing what to say first to break the silence.

“So how have you been?” Yeonjun is the first to speak, leaning around Soobin to see you.

“I’ve been good, thanks.” Soobin answers as you open your mouth to speak.

“And you?” Yeonjun chuckles now beginning to find Soobin amusing. His gaze is focused intently onto you, eager to finally talk properly with you after so long apart.

“I’ve been better.” You force a small smile.

When you’d initially contacted Yeonjun and invited him over, you’d been so desperate that you hadn’t given it any thought as to how you might feel when he’s actually here. It’s a lot more difficult to see him than you expected, and you know it’s just your overwhelming emotions talking, but you’re still in love with him.

Despite wanting nothing but to cave in and get back with Yeonjun, you remain strong and fight the urge. You don’t want the same things as each other. And the more you remind yourself of that, the more you are able to convince yourself that breaking up was the right thing for the both of you.

“I’ve missed you.” Yeonjun admits. You stare into his longing gaze, your heart racing as you see the sincerity pouring out of him.

“I’ve missed you too.” You whisper, not trusting your voice. You can feel your eyes well up as the words tumble from your lips without thought. Although, it’s true, you really have missed him with all your heart.

“You know, on my way over here I saw a pigeon throw up and then a rat ate it.” Soobin quickly jumps in and changes the moment as soon as he senses the mood getting too serious.

“I still think about you everyday. I mean it’s kinda hard not to when everything reminds me of you.” Yeonjun chooses to ignore Soobin’s obvious attempt at stopping your conversation.

You aren’t sure how to respond to him, so overwhelmed that you feel like the room is spinning.

“Ok, I’m gonna head to the bathroom.” Soobin stands from the sofa. “But I’ll be quick so don’t try anything.” He warns, waving his pointed finger between the both of you before he leaves.

“Look, I’m not going to ask to get back together because I know we want different things.” Yeonjun takes the opportunity to finally say what he’s wanted to say the whole time. “But just to be with you one more night…”

“I want that too, but isn’t that gonna make it too hard?” You try to reason.

“It can’t be any harder than the last few weeks…” And yet, Yeonjun’s words seem to make more sense than you’d like.

“If I’d known the last time I saw you would be the last time, I would have stopped to memorise your face, the way you moved. Everything about you. If I had know the last time I kissed you would be the last time, I never would have stopped.” You’re left speechless by Yeonjun’s confession. Seemingly frozen in shock, your mind blank of all thoughts.

“Kiss him, you fool!” Soobin jolts you out of your daze as he rushes back in to the room.

“Huh?” You scrunch your brows in confusion at your friend. He’s done a complete 180 flip after hearing Yeonjun’s speech.

“Didn’t you hear him? If you don’t kiss him, I will.” You stare at him in shock. This has got to be some sort of test, right?

Except Soobin’s expression is completely serious. You cast several quick glances between Soobin and Yeonjun, observing how the latter sends you an almost pleading look, probably silently begging you to not let Soobin kiss him.

Soobin must be serious about telling you to kiss Yeonjun, because he’s willingly encouraging you. And that’s what finally makes you give in, instantly closing the space between you and Yeonjun, your lips moulding perfectly together in a passionate kiss.

You both pull apart breathless, gazing deeply into each other’s eyes.

“I knew you’d be here!” You jolt apart when the door swings open and slams against the wall.

“Who is this?” Soobin questions, confusion clouding his features.

“It’s my friend Beomgyu.” Yeonjun sighs. “I asked him to keep me away from you.” Yeonjun directs the last part towards you.

You simply giggle at him, half still elated from your kiss, the other in amusement.

“Hey, I’m doing that for (Y/N).” Soobin beams.

“Well you’re not doing a very good job. What’s with all the kissing!” Beomgyu sasses back.

You cast your gaze back to Yeonjun when Soobin and Beomgyu begin bickering back and forth, too invested in their arguing to pay attention to either of you.

“Want to get out of here?” You whisper to him, wide grin on your face when he nods and grabs your hand; both of you sneaking out without being noticed and quickly rushing away to make up for lost time.

“Hey, where’d they go?” Soobin suddenly notices you’re missing.

“Ugh, we blew it.” Beomgyu grumpily mutters, defeatedly throwing his hands in the air.

“I blame myself.” Soobin shakes his head in disappointment.

“I blame you too.” Soobin sends Beomgyu a glare in response.

[safertokiss]

There’s No One Else

A/N: Heyooo! I loved this request so of course I had to write something for it. It’s my first MGG fic, but it was super fun to write and I plan to do more fics for his other roles. Thanks for the support and all the kind words!<3 P.S. I decided to try out 2nd person in this one.

Request: “Can you do an angst/smut with Matthew but it's the set of criminal minds and they are shooting a scene and reader likes Matthew but she is keeping it a secret? sorry if that didn't make any sense. I love your writing!!” ( @victomizedbyreginageorge )

Pairing: MATTHEW GRAY GUBLERx FEM! READER

Category: SMUT, slight angst, and of course fluff

Word Count: 5.2k

ENJOY!:)

~~~

MASTERLIST

~~~

Ever since you were a child, you knew that you were destined to be on the set of a production studio, surrounded by the biggest stars the business had to offer. Granted, you had always assumed you’d be the one in front of the camera rather than behind, but I guess beggars can’t be choosers in this world.

 It’s not that you disliked being Khalia Dark’s assistant. She was a world renown celebrity, loved by all who were graced with her presence, from afar that is. Anyone who had the “honor” to get up close and personal with her, yourself included, knew she wasn’t the sweetest of the bunch. If you were to use your own words, she was a mythic bitch. Adored by millions, envied by more, which was pretty much the case for all of the A-listers out here anyway. Although you could do without the woman being in your vicinity, you didn’t mind being her servant most of the time.

More often than not you were certain she forgot about your existence all together, which usually gave you a chance to breathe for a bit. While your job brought about many positives for yourself, for example the extensive knowledge of posh coffees that you would have memorized for life, the highlight of the endeavor was without a doubt the exclusive access to the extravagant movie and TV sets that the queen bee happened to be appearing in each given week. Today, much to your excitement, was one of those days. Usually movies were more her forte so it was always a nice, refreshing change when she booked a role for the small screen. 

Her newest conquest in the industry just happened to be one of your favorite shows to have ever aired, Criminal Minds. Of course you were trying to remain professional, but it became increasingly difficult the closer you got to the studio lot’s entrance. The child in you was screaming with joy at the prospect of being there, surrounded by some of your favorite actors and actresses in the industry. You couldn’t even consider the possibility that you would get to meet Matthew Gray Gubler, the object of your affections for as long as you had been watching the show. That simply was a no go. You were positive that if at any point in time he was in your vicinity, you would simply lose consciousness, and that wouldn’t exactly be the best first impression. The further you walked onto the set, the more amazed you were. You were so familiar with it after years of watching, it just felt like a second home. After breaking out of your stupor, you quickly spun around to try and locate your boss, immediately colliding with whatever was in front of you, letting out a small “oomf”. Well. Whoever.

“Oh my god, I’m so sorry! I wasn’t paying atten-.”

You immediately froze mid-sentence when your eyes caught up with your actions. Fuck. This is not happening. It was him. Standing less than a foot away from you was the one and only Mr. Matthew Gray Gubler, live and in the flesh. Fucking hell.

“Hey it’s no problem, I promise. Don’t worry about it. I’m not exactly the most coordinated person on the planet either, trust me”, he said, chuckling lightly. Running a hand through his unkempt curls, he momentarily let his eyes roam your frame before seemingly snapping out of it, clearing his throat and extending one of his strong looking hands towards you.

“I’m Matthew by the way.”

You, however, were still frozen in place. Realizing how stupid you looked just standing there, openly ogling the man in front of you, you quickly met his hand, a nervous smile adorning your face. His hands were so fucking soft.

Chuckling once again, he seemed to be waiting for something.

“And you are?”

Oh shit. You hadn’t even introduced yourself yet! So much for first impressions you thought.

“O-oh right! Sorry. I'm Y/N. Ms. Dark’s assistant”, you stuttered out, entranced by the specimen in front of you. “Wow, that’s a beautiful name. Well I guess it’s fitting. A beautiful name for a beautiful girl.”

Wait a second. Had you heard those words correctly. THE Matthew Gray Gubler just called you beautiful? You must’ve been dreaming, there was simply no other explanation. But when you glanced at him he was once again trailing his eyes all over you. Holy shit. You thought you were going to implode on the spot.

“Th-thank you”, you muttered shyly, feeling the blush spread across your features faster than a wildfire in a dry forest. After your weak excuse of an answer left your lips, the two of you just continued to stare at each other for what felt like hours. Eventually you were broken out of your trance by the director calling all of the actors to their places across the lot.

“I-um-I gotta go do a scene, but it was a pleasure to meet you Y/N. I hope I get to see more of you around here.” With a quick wink in my direction, he was off in the direction of the other actors swarming to the set from their trailers. For the third time in the last five minutes you were frozen to the spot in which you stood on the pavement. What in the actual fuck just happened? He called you beautiful. He wants to see more of you. HE WINKED AT YOU. This time you felt like you were truly about to lose consciousness so you booked it to the bathroom to calm yourself. After splashing some water on your face, you felt your body temperature returning to a somewhat normal degree and decided you should probably go to the set in case the Queen of Hearts needed anything from you. 

When you approached the scene that was being filmed, you were able to deduct fairly quickly what the plot revolved around. Apparently Khalia had been hired as the episode’s damsel in distress victim, typical. She was definitely the type to rely on others for pretty much anything. That wasn’t what was catching your eye though. Even from where you were standing you could clearly see her making eyes at Matthew. I guess you couldn’t blame her, he was gorgeous, but it still made you feel so insecure. It really just served as a reminder that people like him would never go after people like you. They want the ones who count. They want Ms. Khalia Dark. In what world would someone like him want a nobody like Y/N Y/L/N? There wasn’t one that came to mind. And while this revelation was pretty damn heartbreaking, you couldn’t say you were shocked by the cold, hard truth.

Feeling like you had lost a war that hadn’t ever really even begun, you turned back to look at Matthew, deciding to make the most of however short the time was that you’d be here. However, he was nowhere to be seen. You quickly realized that while you had been distracted, the scene had switched to something else, one where Matthew appeared to be absent.

“Hey again!”

You literally jumped off the ground and let out a little yelp at the noise, you were so startled.

“Oops, I’m sorry! Didn’t mean to scare you, sweetheart,” he got out between adorable giggles. Damn, this man was gonna be the death of you. Literally. If he scared you like that again, you might actually have a heart attack.

“Jesus Matthew! A little warning next time!” You couldn’t help but join in his giggling after a few seconds. Returning his gesture just made the two of you laugh even harder until both of your chests hurt like hell. His laugh was angelic. Perfect. Just like him. For some reason, after you guys had calmed down a bit, you noticed him once again looking you up and down, admiring your body. You even swore you saw him lick his lips. You must be imagining things. Weird. Very weird. Bringing his wandering eyes back to yours, a goofy grin was plastered across his face. You hadn’t even realized you were biting your lip until he reached towards you, dislodging your teeth from the soft skin. “Don’t do that,” he said with a much more serious expression adorning his features. Before you really had the chance to decipher what had just happened, a loud voice cut through the air directed towards you both, causing you to put a bit of space between the two of you. You were able to easily recognize the sultry voice as Shemar’s, turning towards him, a smirk on his face.

“What’s going on that’s so funny over here,” he questioned before his attention shifted to focus solely on you. “My, my. And what’s your name sugar?” You were starstruck for what felt like the thousandth time that day, standing there with your mouth awkwardly hanging open.

“Hi, I’m Y/N. I work for Kahlia, her assistant actually. Nice to meet you”, you answered brightly, a polite smile gracing your lips.

“Trust me, the pleasure is all mine sweetness”, he concluded with a wink. While the action was endearing, it had nowhere near the same effect on you as Matthew’s did. You had always adored Morgan on the show, but you didn’t really know Shemar well enough to have any serious opinions about the dude. Matthew, however, you knew everything there was to be known, from his haunted treehouse to his love of Halloween. You weren’t proud of your obsession, but you couldn’t deny the unbelievably strong attraction you had for the man to your left. Regardless, the interaction caused a blush to spread, though this time it was caused more by being flustered rather than speechless. 

You were about to say something else to try and salvage some of the pride you had just lost, but you were beaten to the punch by Romeo himself. 

“Nothing’s happening over here actually, Shemar. I was having a private conversation with Y/N and I’d appreciate it if you let us get back to it. Thank you.” Matthew’s voice had picked up an edge and his eyes were dark. Like really dark. Although the situation was super uncomfortable and kind of unsettling, considering how feral he looked, you couldn’t help to think about how HOT it was. How hot he was.

“Woah, sorry kid. I didn’t mean to interrupt, just thought I’d introduce myself.”

Seeming to notice his mistakes, Matthew’s eyes quickly returned to their normal color and he stuttered out an apology, with slightly labored breaths.

“No, no I’m sorry man. I didn’t mean to snap like that, just been kind of on edge today”, he said, darting his eyes towards you quickly before redirecting his attention and clearing his throat.

“It’s all good Pretty Ricky, I get like that sometimes too. I’ll catch you guys later. It was nice to meet you Y/N”, he spoke before turning and retreating in the direction of the cast trailers. Shifting your focus back to Matthew, you could tell he was still a bit tense. You gently placed your hand on his shoulder to grab his attention, quietly asking if he was ok.

“Hmm what? Oh, um yeah. Yup. I’m-I’m good. All good. Like I said just a little on edge today. I haven’t had enough coffee”, he hastily responded. Before you could push further, the silence was broken by a shrill voice you were too familiar with, Khalia, unfortunately calling for your assistance at one of the most inopportune times. You turned back to him and gave a sad smile.

“See you around,” you asked, with just a little too much excitement laced in your voice.

“Y-yeah. Of course!” He seemed to have perked up a bit and gave you a wide grin. With a small wave, you were off to do whatever in God’s name the queen wanted from you now.

~~~

The week you were on set was surprisingly going by pretty damn quickly.

As much as you were anxiously awaiting the end so you could be free from Khalia for a bit of time, you couldn’t help but lament the fact that you would have to leave what felt like your second home. You would have to leave Matthew. That’s what hurt most of all. The two of you had become quite close in the short time you had been on set. Well, maybe not close per say, but comfortable? Sure. You guys were comfortable with each other, maybe a little too much on your end. Since that moment with Shemar and his outburst, the tenseness never seemed to dissipate completely. The two of you had shared some quick glances while he was filming a scene or while you were navigating the complex maze that was this sound stage. Whenever the two of you were near each other, he always appeared to go out of his way to get some kind of contact with you, whether it was his shoulder rubbing against yours or his fingers brushing yours as he passed by you. You, still in the mindset that someone as amazing and talented as him would never want anything to do you with you, didn’t really think much of his actions, simply playing them off as accidents and coincidences. 

Although you caught him staring at you on more than one occasion during your time there, you definitely spent the majority of your time ogling the fine specimen. You didn’t understand how a person could be so perfect. Seemingly no flaws. Sure, you had known pretty much every fun fact about the man when you had arrived on set a couple days ago, but now that you had spent some time with him, you were even more enamored. Matthew was an enigma and you wanted him. So fucking bad. Unfortunately, so did basically every other girl on the planet. You really shouldn’t be wasting so much time thinking about him, but at this point you were just in too deep. Watching him do his thing on the sound stage was like watching your own personal exhibition, so much talent pouring out of him he shouldn’t have even been allowed to do what he does. The world would certainly be a lot darker without his geniusness though so you supposed it was ok. As the scene you had been watching came to a close, you decided you really wanted to talk to Matthew again, missing the sound of his velvety voice as he focused on you and only you during the few conversations you’d gotten to have so far. Just as you were about to reach him, though, Khalia appeared out of nowhere directly in front of him with the same look in her eyes she had given him your first day on set. Hunger. You didn’t really know what to do now so you just kind of stood there watching the interaction. The conversation was just out of range, but you could tell she had said something that had made them both laugh. You also watched her place her hands on him in a very flirty way. And much to your dismay, he didn’t seem to be that bothered by it.

You knew that you had absolutely no right to be jealous of her advances, seeing there was nothing between the two of you, but you couldn’t help but feel a bit hurt. You had known all along that he didn’t have those kinds of feelings for you, but the cold, hard truth being presented on a silver platter right in your face sucked. A whole hell of a lot. Deciding to leave the two of them to enjoy their moment, you turned and made your way to the snack table on the opposite side of the room. As you got closer, you noticed Shemar lingering around it, seemingly snacking on something among the array of treats presented on the table.

“Hey. Nice to see you again”, you said with a small smile, alerting him of your presence.

You had gotten a bit closer to him over the last few days, getting to know more about him, rather than just his character. He was a really nice guy. Very charming, much like his TV counterpart. 

“Y/N! Hey! How are you today?”

“I’m ok. Not one of the best, but hey I’m alive I guess”, you said with a sad smile. Worry quickly spreading across his face, he pulled you into a hug, gently caressing your back.

“Hey don’t say that babydoll. It might not be the best of days, but everyday is worth living in my eyes. We’re all so lucky to be given the chance to be here so why not say fuck it and make everyday a party.” You pulled away from him chuckling at his words, feeling slightly better than you had before. You were grateful for Shemar helping you out when you needed a mood boost.

“Thanks Shemar. You sure know how to make a girl feel better.” 

“Anytime baby girl”, he said with a wink, making you giggle again at his silly nicknames and behavior towards you. A little bit more at ease, you let your eyes survey the room real quick, eventually landing on Matthew. A very angry and annoyed looking Matthew. He was staring directly at the two of you, his hands balled into fists at his sides, his breathing heavy, his eyes as dark as could be. Less than a minute later, he turned around and stormed off in the direction of what you assumed was his trailer. Quickly focusing on Shemar again, you excused yourself and then immediately ran off in the direction he had headed just moments before.

You were able to locate the trailer simply labeled “MGG” fairly quickly and you cautiously approached the steps leading up to the entrance. Would he even want to see you? Why were you special enough to even be this close to his trailer? Before you could second guess yourself anymore, you speedily climbed the steps and knocked on the door, an action based solely on the fact he was without a doubt upset about something and apparently it was your fault to some degree.

You heard some rustling behind the door before his voice rang out.

“Who is it?”

Shit. He sounded really upset. Pushing aside the anxiety bubbling in your chest, you decided that you were curious more than anything and wanted to know what you had done to get his panties in such a twist.

“I-It’s Y/N.”

Immediately the door swung open, making you jump slightly. Without saying a word, he grabbed your arm and dragged you over the threshold, handling you like a rag-doll. Once you were inside he released your arm and began pacing around the trailer, breathing pretty heavily. Maybe it was a mistake coming here. You thought you should probably go and leave him alone for a bit so he could cool off.

“I-I shouldn’t have come here. I’ll leave you be”, you sputtered out, quickly making your way towards the exit. However, before you could even reach the door, his deep voice echoed through the trailer.

“Why did you let him touch you like that?”

You froze mid-step, unsure of how to respond. “Huh?” Wow, nice going Y/N. Really scraped the dictionaries for that one.

“Shemar. Why did you let him put his hands on you and touch you like that?” As he spoke his question, he slowly moved towards you, like a predator eyeing its prey. What was he talking about? Why did he care that you and Shemar had shared a brief hug? And most perplexing of all, why in the hell was he looking at you with such fire in his eyes.

“I-I don’t know what you mean Matthew.”

After his name fell from your lips, you saw his mouth twitch as he moved to close the gap between the two of you, leaving just enough space that your breaths intermingled, but no actual physical contact was occuring. 

“You’re mine, Y/N. You. Are. Mine.” What did he just say? Were you imagining this whole situation in some sick dream of yours? Your brain was struggling to catch up.

“What are you even talki-.”

Before you could finish your sentence, Matthew had surged forward, clashing his mouth against yours, hungrily devouring your lips like they were his favorite meal. You moaned at the contact, letting the shock envelope your entire body. He was ravenous, tongue pressing against your lips, begging for entry. Finally processing what the hell was happening, your mouth quickly opened and welcomed his needy tongue, feeling it tangle with yours as he released the most delicious moan you had ever heard in all the years you had been alive. His hands moved frantically, hastily ripping at the clothes covering your body, desperate to feel any part of you that he could. 

You couldn’t even comprehend how this was happening. Matthew wanted you? Not only did he want you, but he was acting on it too. Fuck. He had said you were his. Did he really mean that?

Breaking away from your lips to pull your blouse over your head, you could’ve sworn you heard a growl escape his throat as his eyes hungrily drank in your appearance, left only in your bra and panties. “Fuck, you’re gorgeous. How are you so fucking hot?” Holy shit. The pure lust that dripped in his words made your legs feel like Jell-O, barely keeping it together as he shed his own shirt and began unbuckling his belt. Apparently that was what caused the wire in your brain to snap, your body surging forward to reconnect your lips and rake your nails down his chest.

“Please Matthew”, you whined, not even entirely sure what you wanted him to do. You just needed more.

Groaning at the desperation evident in your voice, he let his hand drift down your body, toying with the waistband of your panties. “Please what? What do you want from me, sweetheart?” His words made you whimper, grasping his hand to try and maneuver it underneath the damp fabric covering the place you needed him most.

“Uh uh uh. I want you to use your words princess. You can do that for me can’t you?”

Nodding your head fervently, you pushed aside any embarrassment you felt and answered almost immediately as the words left his mouth. “I want you to touch me! Please Matthew, I’m begging you!” As soon as you finished your desperate plea, his nimble fingers had ripped your panties down your legs and he was guiding you towards the couch conveniently located nearby. The two of you stumbled onto the cushions, Matthew hovering over you pinning you down, his large erection pressing into your thigh through his pants. You choked on a breath as one of his long, narrow fingers entered you swiftly, pumping in and out of you at a brutal pace, soon followed by two more. You were a whimpering mess as Matthew had his way with you, perfectly curling his fingers to hit your special spot over and over again. You needed him inside of you now or you were gonna explode.

“You’re so wet sweetheart. This all for me”, he questioned cockily, savoring the sounds pouring from your lips, cherishing the way your body writhed underneath his. 

“Yes Matthew! It’s all for you. Only you”, your words were accompanied by a long, drawn out moan. 

“Good girl”, he growled as his fingers picked up their pace, pushing you dangerously close to the edge. Matthew must have picked up on the fact based on the way your muscles were clenching around his digits and the way your breath was becoming more and more labored. 

“That’s it, baby. Come for me, little girl. Come all over my fingers.” His graphic words made your eyes roll back in your head as you felt your orgasm crash through your body, Matthew continuing his ministrations throughout the entirety of it. As you came down from your high and opened your eyes, you were met with the beautiful vision of Matthew sucking your juices off of himself, staring intently at you with lust-filled eyes. “Mmmm, so fucking sweet baby”, he moaned as he licked the last bit away. Realizing you simply couldn’t wait any longer, you grabbed onto his forearm, pulling him to you as close as physically possible. 

“Matthew I need you inside of me right now. Please. Please, I need you.” You felt like you were on the verge of crying, you were so damn desperate for him. You didn’t miss the way his eyes instantly darkened even more after hearing you beg him to fuck you so viscerally. 

“Baby, I really want to feel you bouncing on my cock. Can you do that? Can you ride me like a good girl, sweetheart?”

Not even bothering to answer his questioning, you mustered up all of your strength to push him up and off of you, allowing yourself to straddle him on one of the cushions. You made quick work unzipping his pants and signalling for him to lift up his hips, allowing you to hastily pull down both his slacks and boxers in one go. God, you were so fucking horny and needy for the man in front of you, you felt like you were going insane. Actually, scratch that. You were already long gone. Finally having removed the last barrier between the two of you, his strong hands grabbed your hips and positioned you over his throbbing cock, slowly letting you lower yourself down. Both of you released matching groans at the overwhelming feeling. 

“Fuck, princess. You feel so fucking amazing”, he moaned before gently grasping your hips, encouraging you to start moving. You couldn’t control the string of whimpers that escaped your mouth as you started circling your hips, gradually picking up your pace. It felt so fucking good, incomparible to anything you had ever felt before. As your speed increased and he began thrusting upwards to meet you, his hands reached behind you, finding the clasp of your bra, practically ripping the garment off of your body. Without any barrier blocking your breasts, he sat back and ogled you as they bounced in sync with your rapid movements, eventually needing more and grabbing the pillowy flesh with his wandering hands. The stimulation only made you move faster, desperate for the addicting friction that you could feel radiating throughout your whole being. You felt Matthew’s grip on your hips tighten exponentially, in order to get your undivided attention. 

“I bet you thought you looked real cute flirting with him like that, didn’t you princess”, he sputtered, his voice strained and hoarse. The sound of it made your insides quiver even more.

“I-I wasn’t f-flirting. I w-was just being n-nice”, you stammered, feeling your climax slowly building more and more with each thrust. He growled and immediately picked up the pace, speaking his next words clearly for you to understand. “That’s bullshit baby and you know it. Do you really think he could fuck you like this, sweetheart? Do you think his cock could fill you up this perfectly? Make you feel the way I do?” 

“N-Noooo! No, of course not. I only want you!” You were a moaning, whimpering mess as you gripped his shoulders trying to maintain your balance, his thrusts launching you into a whole other universe. “What was that, little girl? I couldn’t really hear you.”

“Fuck! Matthew! I only want you! There’s no one else!” You couldn’t control yourself any longer. You lost the ability to move as he wrapped his arms around your waist, slamming into you so fucking hard you swore you could see stars. 

“There better fucking not be, little girl. You are mine, sweetheart. All fucking mine. Mine!” His words make the chord in your stomach snap, your climax overtaking your body dangerously fast. “MATTHEW!” Your vision was spotty, muscles clenched incredibly tight, when you felt his cock start to twitch violently inside of you. 

“Fuck! Y/N! Oh my god!” As soon as the words left his mouth, you felt his cum fill you up completely, warmth radiating throughout your body as his dick pulsated inside of you. 

You collapsed against his sweaty frame, holding on for dear life. “Matthew, Matthew, Matthew”, you muttered as you fought to regulate your breathing. Both of you were shaking, thanks to the world-shattering orgasams you had just experienced, his hands gently rubbing your back, soothing you. “Shhhhhh, breathe little girl”, he whispered so warmly it made butterflies bloom in your stomach, a stark contrast to the way he was speaking moments ago. 

Pulling yourself upright, you couldn’t tear your eyes away from his. After a few seconds had passed, a huge grin slowly formed on his beautiful face, letting out a light giggle. “Hey.”

Feeling a smile form on your own face from his silliness, you couldn’t help but fall for him even more. “Hi”, you shyly responded, reaching up to poke the dimple that was visible on his face, giggling when he playfully stuck his tongue out, trying to reach your finger with it. Completely absorbed in the moment, you had forgotten that he was still inside of you and you were probably hurting him, not that he was gonna complain. You slowly lifted yourself off of him, both of you wincing slightly at the sensation. He immediately pulled you back to him afterwards and continued to rub your back like he had before. It was so comforting, you were scared you were gonna fall asleep in his lap, which you pretty quickly concluded wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world, noticing the way his eyes seemed to droop as well.

As you felt yourself starting to drift off, you heard his soothing voice near your ear. “I’m really sorry I got so rough Y/N. I didn’t mean to act like that. I just got so jealous seeing you with him and I didn’t know how to control my emotions. I didn’t know how to tell you how I felt.” He sounded genuinely sad when he spoke, the guilt evident in his quiet voice.

“Matthew, baby, don’t be sorry, ok? I really enjoyed every second of it, I promise. As for Shemar...you have absolutely nothing to worry about. I’ve only ever had eyes for you. You’re kind of stuck with me Gube.” You felt the chuckle vibrate through his body at your words and you lazily smiled against his chest.

“I know, sweetheart. I know.” You heard him hesitate and you wondered if he was going to finish his thought, hopefully before you knocked out cold. “Would you-would you maybe want to go out with me this weekend? Like on a-a date? You felt your heart swell in your chest at his question and slowly nodded against him. 

“I would love that, Matthew.”

Cherishing the feeling of holding each other in your arms, the two of you quickly succumbed to the drowsiness, falling into the most comfortable slumber you had ever experienced.

Tag List: @hopebaker​ @pastathighs​ @psychedellic-phase​ @gloryekaterina​ @sleepysnapesnake​ @racharr​ @etherealgubler​ @furiouspartyrebelhoagie​ @andiebeaword​ @liaabsurd​ @cielo1984​ @starkeybaby​ @rainsong01​ @moonlight-jukebox ​ @victomizedbyreginageorge

[fishylife]

Spoilers for Hyena Ep 8

- I really like Ji-eun’s character. She’s not dumb, she’s not just a mindless sidekick. She knows her job involves toeing the line, and she knows that her boss works in mob boss ways. But her boss is also a good boss, and gives her opportunities to shine. I love seeing the little scenes when Geum-ja indulges her, like letting her order something fancy for dinner. At the very least, Geum-ja is a good boss.

- Geum-ja and Yu-mi....interesting. Listen, Yu-mi is annoying, but she’s not a completely illogical character. She’s just very dramatic, and she is being chased down by scary loan sharks, so the theatrics get blown up. She may have made some mistakes along the way too (i.e. accidentally letting someone else know that Geum-ja and Hee-jae dated), but I don’t think any of this was like, illogical. Though Choo Dong-sik, rude. Just walks into someone’s office while they’re with a client without knocking? Though he might’ve also done it on purpose. Who knows.

- Anyway, I thought it was interesting that Geum-ja did initially try to talk to Yu-mi calmly. She did trick Yu-mi and so Yu-mi does deserve an explanation. It did get annoying when she spam called Geum-ja and Ji-eun so then Geum-ja was like aight gonna brute force this. But she didn’t do this because she’s friends with Yu-mi, she did this to stop Yu-mi from pestering her forever and ever lol.

- Kim Min-joo returns and we see that she’s put some blame of her sister’s accident on Song Pil-jung. What’s the story? We’ll find out eventually, but in any case, we know what’s between them is both personal and political.

- Let’s talk about the team dinner. Sang-mi has no idea how to read the atmosphere, yikes. After getting drunk, I-jun said that Hee-jae and Geum-ja were like hyenas because they were too busy fighting each other. That got me thinking though, maybe fighting each other is a distraction for both of them. To distract them from their own problems, and to distract them from their attraction to each other. That, or they fight each other because that is the only thing they can fight, the only thing they can fight for. The only thing that Geum-ja really fears is her dad and she couldn’t fight him (because she thought she was still in prison), and now she has a steady income from Song & Kim, so she doesn’t have to fight for survival anymore. So maybe she channels that survival instinct into her legal work. As for Hee-jae, as a descendant of a prominent family, he also has his hands tied. He makes one wrong move and his world comes crashing down. He’s already the black sheep of the family for being a lawyer and not a judge, so if he’s going to be a black sheep, he might as well do it well and show his family that he can. And though they are attracted to each other, they both have lots of pride in being independent. Their first relationship ended poorly, and I think that to both of them, they’d feel that giving in to their feelings would be surrendering to the other and showing weakness. This might be bordering on BS though lol. Just me trying to fit pegs in holes.

- Before, I had suspected that Geum-ja’s informant was maybe a brother, because she cares for him, but not in like, a mushy way, but more in a family way. And in this episode, I guess we can assume that they’re at least childhood friends. Anyway, I think he was a police officer but he got fired for leaking info to Geum-ja, but I think they’re still tight. The dude accepted Geum-ja’s money, so I don’t think that he hates Geum-ja, he knew what he was getting into.

- We got more backstory on Geum-ja. Her name was Jung Eun-yong. Her dad had “drunkenly” killed her mom and gotten off light for it, so she studied law to try to get her dad in jail. Then she set things up so that it would look like he’d stabbed her, which would get him in jail for 30 years. Makes sense in terms of why Geum-ja grew to be the kind of person that she is.

- When Jung Chun-su, Geum-ja’s dad, visited Geum-ja, she showed behaviour that indicated that she was afraid of him. When he tried to give her his business card, she stepped back, and she was very hung up over that. Why? Well, all along Geum-ja has showed that she fears nothing. Death literally does not scare her, as we saw when she had to fight that dude in the alleyway. And it’s because she was already prepared to die once, when she was planning to put her dad in jail. But when she was with her dad, that’s when we first saw signs of Geum-ja actually being afraid. Geum-ja is annoyed at this probably because she thought she’d moved past fearing him, but in front of him, she returns to being that young girl. Again, makes tons of sense.

- The other thing is that to Geum-ja’s annoyance, her dad is now supposedly a changed man. Now that Chun-su’s a religious man, he’d like Geum-ja’s forgiveness. Well, it’s a bit soon for that because Geum-ja has seen him for two seconds and he hasn’t proved to her that he’s changed. But also, sometimes people just don’t want apologies. I think Geum-ja would rather never see her dad ever again than to open old wounds. Sometimes apologies are only for the perpetrators and sometimes do nothing for the victims. Geum-ja is probably still reconciling this pastor with the dad that she remembered. To her, her dad will always be the one that hurt her. I half expect Geum-ja to forgive her father, but I sure hope the writers don’t make it easy for him, because he needs to have done way more than just “be a changed man.” If I were Geum-ja I’d honestly just want to...never see him ever again, regardless of whether he was repentant or not.

- So it looks like Hee-jae and Geum-ja really only talk when they’re drinking. They got into a slight argument at the team dinner, then Hee-jae sought out Geum-ja at that food place where her friend told her that he got fired, and then they were drinking at the end when Geum-ja was in her office after her dad left. Only when they’ve drunk do they ever even acknowledge what happened between them.

- After working together on their last case, I do think that Hee-jae has started to respect Geum-ja more as a person, and even though they did have a spat at the team dinner, he understands that Geum-ja is really upset. At the very least, Hee-jae sees Geum-ja as a peer who is in need. And Geum-ja reacted to his attention, telling him a bit about how she was feeling when she was talking to her dad. I think Hee-jae appreciated Geum-ja opening up at least a little. Geum-ja drew a line insisting that they weren’t going to start dating again, but accepted Hee-jae’s offer (?) and they probably had adult relations in that office (yuck, think of the cleaners). But in any case, their relationship has taken a step in a new direction. Now they are no longer just rivals. They also share a sort of intimacy that they wouldn’t share with anyone else. Geum-ja has probably never shared how she felt with anyone. Her childhood friend the informant already knew what was going on, and Geum-ja is professional enough that she wouldn’t share this information with Ji-eun either. And as for Hee-jae, I think he was taking a risk. I think earlier in the show Hee-jae said he’d never been in love, so like, him trying to cheer Geum-ja up and being there for her is probably kind of new for him too, and I feel like he’s probably pleased that Geum-ja was receptive to his offer of just being a comfort to her.

- I don’t think that the two of them will become awkward after this. I think they both knew what they were doing when Hee-jae offered to be a shoulder to lean on and Geum-ja accepted. Geum-ja said to forget what they were going to do. I don’t think they will, but I also don’t think it’d interfere with their work. Instead, I think that Geum-ja and Hee-jae will be...sort of more attentive to each other, now that they’ve seen each other in a different light, if that makes sense.

- When Yu-mi and Gi-hyeok were on their date, Yu-mi said how she was trying to change her memories. She’d visited that locale with her ex-husband, but now she was going to make new memories there by going on a date with Gi-hyeok. As for Geum-ja, she is still haunted by her old memories of her father. I brought this up because Geum-ja specifically said that the memories hadn’t escaped her, because even though her dad looked and behaved differently, her instinctive reaction toward him was to recoil. So we’ll see if/how she rewrites her memories towards him.

- So this was an episode that focused more on Geum-ja. We got a lot of questions answered, which is neat, and we’re introduced to her dad, who might be the only challenge in her life that she worries about. Literally nothing else in her life has ever worried her besides this guy.

[mymelodyheart]

All I Want For Christmas Is You Chapter 9 ~The Christmas Spirits~

Previously in Christmas Eve Rush

Her hand flew to her chest, and her eyes almost popped out at the realisation. "Good Lord. You're in love with her, aren't ye? It's all over your face. Oh my God!"

"Please? We dinnae have a lot of time," he whispered, almost close to tears. "Ye're the only one who can get through to Claire."

A few heartbeats passed as he held his breath. 

"Fine! Let's do this!" Suddenly spurred by excitement into action, she quickly grabbed a piece of paper and pen and handed it to him. "Write down your number, and I'll update you after I've called Claire."

"Ye will?"

"Yes, yes ..." she muttered. "Come on, chop-chop!" She clapped her hands at him.

Elated with the turn of event, he didn't waste any more time and rapidly scribbled his number and pushed the piece of paper back to her. "Thank ye. I owe ye big time." When an afterthought came to him, he shoved his hand into his pocket, took out a spare key to his cottage and placed it on the table. It was meant to be for Claire. "Another favour, I have a dog and kitten in the house and ..."

"I got it." She grinned and made a shooing motion. "Now go!"

If you wish to read this on AO3, here is the link.

If you wish to read this from the beginning:

AO3 link

Tumblr link

Claire sat at the airport's cafe, every sound of someone's laughter and the sight of happy couples holding hands, driving a knife into her chest. She still had a few hours to go before its time to go through security. With a heavy heart, she miserably flipped the pages of a glossy magazine, unseeing its pages' articles and pictures. It had taken every iota of her resolve and will power to leave Broch Mordha, and now Annalise had made her book a later flight because her friend was on the way and wanted to talk. Damn her for making this more difficult! In truth, she wanted to know what Jamie had told her friend and wondered what he would have said if she'd confronted him instead of running away. Now that she was finally out of his life was he even thinking about her? Staying in Broch Mordha would have most probably increased the likelihood of her believing his excuses and running back into his arms. She just couldn't handle the emotional fallout.

"I beg your pardon, is this seat taken?" a soft feminine voice asked.

Claire briefly glanced up, offered a weak smile and motioned for the woman to sit. She wasn't in the state nor mood for small talks so she put her head down and pretended to read, hoping the woman would take a hint.

Restless, she glanced again at her phone to check the time. Annalise should be here soon. Is she planning to fly with me? I hope not! She noticed the cafe was beginning to get busy with people waiting for love ones to arrive or the check-in counter to open. Tomorrow at this time, she'd be home. The thought of spending Christmas in London in the cramped apartment made her doubly miserable. She loved the open spaces of the Highlands and quaint villages. Although the weather could be quite grim, the landscape's natural beauty and loads of fresh air more than made up for it. With its tranquil settings, it was an ideal place to start her writing career. She'd put it on hold for far too long, working for a publishing company that gave her very little satisfaction and yesterday she'd even fantasised of moving to Broch Mordha and making it a reality to be closer to Jamie. How could I have been so stupid?

"Highlands in December is romantic, isn't it?" The woman sharing her table smiled pleasantly. "I love this place. There's something magical about it, don't you agree?"

Ah, another English woman to fall for the Highland charm! She was about to give some generic answer about the Highlands' ancient history lending the romance a hint of mysticism when the harsh truth chose that moment to free itself. "Kind of deceiving though, isn't it? I got caught up in that so-called magic, but some wanker decided to exploit it and use my heart to make fertiliser. I've only known him for a couple of days, but I can't stand being in this place anymore without thinking about him and his stupid, stupid handsome face. And the way he looked at me." She blew a breath and blinked back the tears. "I guess I was just plain naive and a bloody dimwit for thinking smooth talkers only existed in big cities like London. I tell you what, they're rife everywhere and you can never be too careful."

If the woman had been surprised by Claire's outburst, it didn't show. "Now, now, I'm quite sure there is a perfect explanation. Lovely and sweet as you look, I see the wisdom that belies your age in your eyes. You don't seem like a person to be taken by someone's smooth line at all."

She let out an almost deranged laugh. "Well, obviously, I am. I took one look at a beautiful face, and all logic went south. So there," Claire huffed.

The other woman looked away and sipped her tea. She was much older than Claire thought - in her forties maybe or could be fifties, but it was hard to tell. She had a dark, sleek modern bob hairstyle that contradicted the mumsy grey slacks, woollen jumper and lack of makeup and accessories. Her face was kind though, and there was a serenity in her demeanour she found comforting and familiar.

Claire regretted her oversharing and decided to shut her mouth and continued reading.

"I met my husband many years ago here. Not far from where we are now. A place called Broch Mordha."

Claire's head shot up. "Oh! Is your husband Scottish?"

"No, he's English. We met one summer while watching a Highland game. He lived in Broch Mordha while doing some research for work, and I was on holiday. We fell in love and eventually married. And every year from thereon we celebrated our anniversary here. It's a very special place for us."

"That's very sweet," Claire remarked, trying not to think of Jamie and what could have been for them if he hadn't been a knobhead.

The woman let out a soft laugh and daintily wiped her mouth with a napkin. "Sweet isn't the description I would have used to describe the circumstance of how we met; nevertheless, it turned out my darling husband is my soul mate and marrying him had been the best decision I've ever made in my life."

"Good for you ..." Claire whispered, subtly glancing once more at the time on her phone. She hoped Annalise would be here soon because the last thing she needed right now was to hear someone else's happily forever after. But in the end, curiosity got the better of her. "So what made you change your mind about him?"

The woman sighed and took out her book. "My husband was an insensitive clod, and when he eventually saw the error of his ways and asked for forgiveness, I gave him a second chance. Forgiving him didn't change the past, and I realised in the end, if I hadn't forgiven him, my actions would have robbed me of the best years of my life. And of course, a beautiful daughter who turned out to be everything I've ever hoped for and much more." She smiled and then turned her attention to reading. Obviously, oversharing was now over.

"I see ..." Claire muttered. Well, what had she expected? A magical solution? She almost laughed out loud. No such thing!

It was too late for her and Jamie anyway. She was on her way to London, and he'd probably moved on now that she was gone. It was definitely better this way. Out of sight, out of mind.

**********

He switched off the ignition of his car and texted Annalise to inform her he'd arrived at his destination. She'd messaged him earlier letting him know Claire would be at D'Lish cafe. Scanning his vicinity, Jamie drew in a lungful of air. He'd only been in Inverness Airport's parking lot a few minutes, and already his nerves were on tenterhooks. From the congested traffic and beeping cars to stressed people madly rushing about, Jamie realised how far from his world he'd strayed, and the distance was only under an hour's drive. 

He hadn't even stepped out of his car, and already he was counting the minutes till he was back within the peaceful haven of Broch Mordha. But he'd made up his mind. He wasn't going back without Claire and had taken his passport with him just in case he would have to follow her all the way to London. How he was going to manage that with his unpredictable episodes, he had no idea. He hoped he would be able to keep his panic attacks at bay long enough until he found her and convinced her to come back home.

"I'll walk in with you," Harry said quietly out of the blue as if he'd sense his trepidation. "My flight isn't till later, and my wife is probably enjoying her cuppa tea somewhere."

The tightness in his body relaxed, and Jamie nodded gratefully. Harry seemed to always understand his situation, popping out of the blue at the strangest times. Jamie had never questioned it and put it down to simply Harry being unusually perceptive and a good friend.

They quietly walked side by side towards the airport and when they entered the building, moving bodies and a sea of faces swarmed his vision. The racket and clamour of people going about their business surrounded him, and Christmas crowds trying to make it home before Christmas jostled too close, their cacophony of voices chattering excitedly. 

Jamie swallowed the mounting panic and fixed his thoughts on Claire, breathing deeply in through his nose and with a heaving chest, letting it all out with a whoosh. His eyes darted and saw people smiling and nodding animatedly, laughter and children's squeals infiltrating his consciousness, their sound accompanied by an air of anticipation that told him it was a season of joy. 

Jamie managed to put a grim smile on his face and concentrated on getting one foot in front of the other, apologising now and again whenever he accidentally bumped into someone, almost stumbling like an intoxicated man. Although aware of Harry's presence, perspiration coated his skin, and he could feel a bead of sweat running down his temple. The usually comfortable soft fabric of his sweatshirt chaffed and squeezed him like a clamp almost suffocating him. The chaotic din typical of an airport during the holiday season came in a huge rush of waves, at first faint, then building to a deafening sound that roared in his ears, shattering his foundation and foothold. 

Oh, God, please, not now. Jamie knew it was happening. Attempting not to panic, he began to employ a technique that more often than not worked. He tried listening to his mother's singing in his head, the one that stuck most in his mind and brought him comfort when he'd been amidst a conflict in a war zone, a song that sang him to sleep when he was a wee bairn.

He stopped a few metres away from the cafe where Claire was supposed to be waiting and took a moment to draw in oxygen, clinging to his mother's singing in his head. Goodnight, you moonlight ladies. Rockabye, sweet baby, James. Deep greens and blues are the colours I choose. Won't you let me go down in my dreams? And rockabye, sweet baby, James. 

He dimly recognised where he was, busy eateries, cafes and shops lined a wide area, a focal point for those waiting for love ones to arrive or passengers before heading to security that led to the departure area. Someone's child screamed nearby, and the sound of suitcases dragging on its wheels seemed to rumble and reverberate on the ground. Christmas light decorations that normally shimmered unobtrusively and gave a soft glow suddenly seemed to flash all around him, and the Christmas songs playing in the background became disembodied sounds. Jamie froze, gripped in the throes of a colossal panic attack that forced him to sink halfway to his knees.

Everything seemed to fade in and out, but it was Harry's voice he eventually clung to, his mother's singing hushing into the recesses of his head. The Englishman repeated his name and grabbed hold of his elbow, preventing him from collapsing to the floor and leading him firmly away from the moving crowd. Jamie pitched himself against the giant column and fought the crippling dread chipping away at his sanity. 

He glanced around frantically, but Harry's hand grabbed his face and forced him to look straight into amber eyes. 

"Breathe, Jamie. Everything is going to be alright. Just keep breathing." 

"H-Harry ...I n-need to ..."

"It's alright. I know. I'm not going anywhere. Just breath."

Jamie unzipped his jacket and fought for air, sucking in a lungful. And then, again and again, gasping and coughing as he doubled over, bracing his hands on his knees. Harry's strong hand massaged his back in a circular motion, the older man's presence calm and controlled, breathing with him, encouraging to gradually take in more air. 

It took a while to normalise his breathing, his heart to calm down and the cold sweat to evaporate. As he regained more control, though wobbly at first, he straightened up. Gathering his bearings, he ignored the odd looks from passersby, by now already used to it.

Harry gave him a reassuring smile. "Feeling much better?" 

Jamie managed a nod as the initial feeling of shame and embarrassment took over the panic attack. Why am I even here? Claire deserved so much better than this and all his fucking issues. On top of it all, he'd managed to make her feel cheap when he was nothing but just half a man. There was no way she'd go back to Broch Mordha with him.

"Oh no, you don't. I know that look in your eyes. You've made it this far, old sport," Harry whispered fiercely, straightening his jacket. "Don't you even think of going back home without trying!" 

Jamie blinked, confused. What the fuck? What does Harry know? But there was no time to ask questions, as he caught a glimpse of Claire past Harry's shoulder. She was in the cafe in the motion of getting up, her head bowed down while speaking on the phone. 

Last night, he'd held Claire in his arms and now, the reality of the moment hit him hard as he saw her hand gripped the suitcase next to her, reminding him she's waiting to board a plane. He could hardly think over the furious pounding in his chest as a combination of relief at seeing her and fear of rejection surged through him. He barely registered himself, moving towards the cafe when Harry put a hand on his arm. He turned to meet his friend's eyes. "You're on your own now. For now. Remember to breathe."

Jamie swallowed hard and nodded.

"Now go and hurry."

**********

Claire panicked, her eyes darting around the cafe. Annalise had just called and confessed Jamie was on his way to talk to her. Her friend had insisted on giving Jamie a chance to explain and that he'd made a mistake. 

But Claire couldn't do this. She didn't have this sort of experience nor the emotional strength to handle this kind of situation. All she knew and was aware of was how much Jamie had hurt her with his words. 

She quickly stood up, said goodbye to the woman sat on her table, grabbed her bags and made her way out of the cafe. She kept her head down and tried not to look around in case Jamie spotted her. She began to walk faster, weaving through crowds of travellers as she wheeled her suitcase, images of Jamie encroaching her thoughts. A new voice was trying to make itself heard, telling her maybe she ought to listen to what Jamie had to say. But what was there to say? She'd seen what he wrote with her own eyes, and there was no explaining himself out of it.

She was just getting into the queue for the security check when a shout cut through the hubbub surrounding her. 

"Sassenach!"

She stiffened, and her hand went slack around the suitcase's handle, sending its bulk toppling to the floor. It took a few heartbeats for her to turn around and face Jamie, afraid her resolve would collapse if she looked at him. When she finally saw him, he stood a few yards away, suspended in a sea of bustling chaos. Perspiration beaded his forehead, his face pale and eyes a little wild as they searched hers, snagging on the way she snatched her suitcase to an upright position and pulled it closer to her side. As always, ever since she first laid eyes on him, his unusual male beauty made her chest ache. A head taller than most, he looked out of place in the busy surroundings, his blue eyes penetrating through everything in their wake to reanimate her heart.

She waited for something to happen, but he just continued to stare at her, his body swaying a little. He looked like he was about to faint. Worry, combined with fear prickled her skin when she recalled his accounts of his PTSD condition. She'd made it this far, and now she was torn between going over to him and making her way to the security.

"What are you doing here?" she said a little harshly.

"Dinnae go in that plane.”

"It's too late for that."

Anguish fogged his handsome features. "I need ye to hear me out, Sassenach. Please."

Claire shook her head. "What is there to say, Jamie? That text you wrote, told me everything already."

"Please let me explain ..."

"I already know what you're going to say, Jamie. You're going to say you didn't mean to write that text. It's classic and cliche at the same time and utter bullshit." Claire's shoulders sagged, and she swallowed hard. "No, I'm sorry, I can't ..." 

She started to step into the queue, but stopped, her heart caught in her throat when a passerby in a rush accidentally bumped into him, and he almost vaulted over. She saw how much it took out of him just to remain upright. She made a move to come to his aide, but he stopped her with a motion of his hand, telling her he would say his piece without any help. Squeezing his eyes shut, he took several deep breaths, discomfort, and distress in this busy environment evident on his face. 

"You don't look well, Jamie. You should go home," she said, glancing around, aware of people looking at him.

"Damn it, Sassenach," he wheezed. "I'm gonnae make ye listen even if it kills me."

A stabbing pain went through her heart. "I can't do this, Jamie. I'm going."

"No!" He took another unsteady step forward. When Claire stayed put, relief washed over his face. "What I wrote to my sister about you was wrong ..."

Rage replaced the hurt she was feeling. "You made it sound I was just a notch on the bedpost," she snapped, angrily.

Jamie winced as a woman nearby gasped and glared at him, but they both ignored her. "No, Sassenach. You were never that ..."

"Your words winter fling said it all. What else could it mean?"

"Sometimes, what I think and what I feel doesn't translate into words ..."

"Or you don't think at all," she interrupted, tipping her head back to keep the tears from falling.

His head dropped. "No, I didnae think. What I said was inexcusable, and no explanation or apologies would take any of the hurt I caused ye back."

"It was a horrid thing to say about someone!"

His face flickered with regret and self-loathing. "It was, and I'm an arsehole for it."

"They why? Why Jamie? Is that how you talk about your conquests?"

His face paled even more. "No! You're not that at all. What we had was special, and I've never felt like this about someone before."

"You could have fooled me ..."

He took a careful step forward as if afraid she would bolt. "Sassenach, I said what I said not because that was what I thought about you and that's the truth. Partly, I text those words to get my sister off my case. She was badgering me for getting involved with ye because she was worried about me falling for someone from the city due to my condition. Another part of the reason I wrote that had to do with my fear of getting emotionally attached. I thought by labelling what we had as temporary, it would be easier to let ye go when the time comes. It was wrong ...so wrong. I wish I hadnae said it."

Claire could barely see him through the blur of tears. The awful pain she'd had in her heart all morning waned a little. She forced her feet to move, but the emotion in his voice kept her rooted in place. 

"Christ, everything happened so fast between us. And I was rushing ahead before I could comprehend what was happening. When ye told me ye live in London, I was convinced that nothing could come out of this ...us ...whatever this is we have ....because I wouldnae ken how to live in yer world and it wouldnae be right to ask ye to give up yers. When I asked ye to extend yer stay, my intention was to make as many memories with ye because I needed to face the truth of my limitations. I was determined not to be that someone who held ye back and made ye regret what ye could've done. I said to mysel' whatever time ye could give me, I'd be grateful. Yet, here I am, begging ye not to get on that plane."

She wanted to go to him, take him in her arms and forget what had happened, but she needed more. She needed to know that this thing between them was more than just a handy itinerary with chemistry tossed into the mix. For her, it had always been more, but he's a man, and maybe it's just all about sex for him.

"Sorry, Jamie." Bracing her shoulders, she pulled her suitcase behind her and joined the line for security check-up.

"Wait!"

She and every person within hearing distance in the queue turned around to look at him.

This time, Jamie didn't flinch and looked at her straight in the eyes with unwavering intensity. "I cannae let ye go without giving it my best shot. I've used my condition as an excuse for far too long, yet not once did ye ever look at me as someone damaged. I dinnae want my condition to stop me anymore from going after what I want. I swear to God, ye havenae seen persistence yet, Sassenach. Ye have nae idea what it looks like until ye've seen it on me. I've fought for my life in a war zone before, and I'm doing it again now. If ye get on that bloody plane, be rest assured I will be on the next flight behind yours. I will show up in every God damned place ye go to until ye give me the time of day. And I willnae stop until I get it through yer pretty head how much ye mean to me. And if ye come back to me, I promise ye, I'm gonnae work my arse off to prove to ye every day how special ye are. Even if it means moving to London to be closer to ye. All I'm asking for is a second chance."

Looking at him, she knew he meant every word, and there was an intensity about him, that told her he would go through with his threat of following her to London. A lump stuck in Claire's throat, so huge she could barely speak. Her face crumpled, and she let the unshed tears she'd held all morning flow. Unable to stand a moment longer without feeling his arms around her, she let go of her grip on her suitcase and began to make a move towards him. Jamie fell back a few steps, both hands flying to rest on top of his head, relief and disbelief visible in every line of his body. She covered the distance separating them in three steps and flung herself into strong arms that circled around her without hesitation. Applause, cheers and whistles from passengers who had witnessed the scene erupted around them, making them both laugh through tears. 

"Jesus Christ, Jamie," she stammered with a hiccup. "You really know how to cause a scene and really make it count." 

A hand tunnelled through her hair, gripping her neck so he could angle her head and kiss her. "I'm so sorry, Sassenach. Oh, God, I'm so sorry," he muttered against her lips. "I was an idiot. I thought I wasnae gonnae make it." 

A shudder passed through her. "I almost got on a plane and spent Christmas on my own." 

Jamie fell back into the nearest seat, taking Claire with him. Obviously spent from all the emotions. "Dinnae remind me ...ever again, please. But just so ye know, I have my passport with me. I was ready to come after ye. Today." 

Claire clung to him tighter. "It's Christmas, and we're together. Let's just focus on that." 

"Christ, I thought I knew fear." His breath shook and fanned her skin. "That was the scariest situation I've been in." 

She let out a sigh, inhaling his scent from the crook of his neck. How had she thought for one second that running away would have been a better option? She thought of the woman she spoke to earlier in the cafe and smiled. 

Jamie shook her a little. "Ye're going to think this is mad, but I dinnae want to take another second for granted, so I'm just going to say it, so ye ken once and for all." 

"Say what?" she whispered. Jamie tilted her face up for a slow, deep kiss, then stood, lifting her in his arms. 

"I'm in love with ye, Sassenach. I ken it's too soon, but I want it out there just in case something happens and I dinnae get another chance to say it, or I do something stupid like making ye cry. Life's too short for over-analysing things and keeping something like that to myself." 

She smiled through fresh tears. "I'm in love with you too, Jamie. And next time you say something stupid, I'm just going to get into a fight with you about it, instead of running away."

Jamie's laughter rumbled in his chest before his face turned serious. "Merry Christmas, Sassenach. May it be our first of many more to come."

Claire reached out and clasped his face with her hands and laid a soft kiss on his lips. Her heart broke open, and for the first time, all the pieces clicked together in a perfect puzzle, and everything made perfect sense. Because she'd learned early on you needed to take the bad with the good and embrace it all. Despite Jamie's condition and fear of uncertainty, she'd taken a gamble and trusted her guts, and by giving him a second chance, they'd ended up with the best thing of all. 

Love at Christmas. 

She knew it wasn't going to be smooth sailing forever. There were going to be long talks of how they ought to proceed with their relationship, compromises to be made, and probably many teething problems during their phase of getting to know each other. But as long they both keep their hearts open, they should have a fighting chance.

"Merry Christmas to you too," she whispered, her voice raspy with emotion. 

"Shall we go home?" he murmured, smiling.

"Yes, let's go home."

Hand in hand they left the airport and headed back to Broch Mordha to celebrate Christmas.

 Dear Readers,

Firstly, thank you for your best wishes and feedback from the previous chapter. This latest update was supposed to be published on Christmas day. Unfortunately, because I was so overly ambitious about the storyline, I was unable to deliver. I didn't want to rush it after having gone through the story in my head many times.  Rushing it probably would have made me miss many of the elements I wanted to put in this story.

Anyway, I had a lovely quiet Christmas. With everything that's happening globally, it was more of a time for reflection for us instead of celebration. I am just grateful that my love ones are safe and healthy and hope you're own dearests are as well. As for this story's direction, I don't know how many chapters there are to go, but I can safely say there is another one after this. I will try to publish before New Year, and if I am unable to do so, I wish you all a New Year full of exciting possibilities, good health and lots of love. Keep the good vibes rolling and take care. X

[half-bakedboy]

Where’s My Love? (read on ao3)

Pairing: Evan “Buck” Buckley/Eddie Diaz Rated: Teen Summary: Buck felt all of the air leave his lungs and his heart jumped into his throat because no one had ever told him he was allowed to be upset.

Maddie had always asked him to give their parents a break, to cut them some slack and be grateful the siblings at least had each other. But no one in his life - his sister or other distant relatives, his guidance counselors or teachers, his friend’s parents, all of whom saw how he was impacted - had ever told him it was okay to feel angry or that it was okay to expect more from the people who raised him.

Or a Season 4 Episode 4 coda where Eddie helps Buck get through the dinner with his parents without even knowing it. 

With his parents back in town and his mind racing with thoughts of being forced to socialize with them after so many relatively peaceful years, Buck’s anxiety was the highest it had ever been. That was saying a lot considering he had survived an earthquake, a firetruck bombing and subsequent embolism, and even a fucking tsunami all within the last two years. It made him laugh - almost as much as it made him want to throw up - that a surprise visit from the people that raised him was triggering more of a trauma response than any of those other events.

He took a deep breath as he wandered the streets of L.A. and considered his options. He was set to have dinner one more time with Maddie, Chim, and his parents, and he honestly wasn’t sure how he was going to make it through and keep his mouth shut like he had promised his sister. She asked Buck to understand where they were coming from, to realize that they tried their hardest and that things could have been a lot worse, but Buck couldn’t imagine how that was fair.

It wasn’t fair that it was always his job to push aside their parenting failures because he was an adult and had turned out ‘just fine’ as Maddie had always put it. It wasn’t fair that their small jabs at Maddie tore open the scars Doug had left on her or that their obvious misguidances of Buck in every way caused shame and hurt to flood through every inch of his body when they spoke. It didn’t matter that Maddie was pregnant from a man that truly loved her and treated her right and had a job that she really kicked ass at. If that didn’t matter, then it certainly wouldn’t that Buck had worked harder to become a firefighter than he ever had in his life and that for once, he was truly happy when he looked toward the future.

No, none of that seemed to matter, because Evan and Maddie had to be on their best behavior and pretend that their parents did the best that they could given the circumstances, of which Buck wasn’t aware enough to fully understand. He would get through one more dinner for Maddie and Chimney’s sake and his parents would go back to wherever they decided to venture to next and Buck could repress all of the negative emotions that welled up inside of him once again.

Before he knew it, he was in front of Eddie’s door. He let out a small chuckle at the fact that even when he was lost in his own mind, his body found its way to Eddie. Buck relied on him so much more in the last few years, more than he ever expected to rely on anyone let alone the one person he had despised on sight. He figured it made sense for his subconscious to bring him there, though. Eddie was a father, first and foremost, and he had made that clear since joining the 118 that being a father was the most important thing to him even above his career. Buck knew how much being a firefighter meant to him, so he could only imagine the kind of love Eddie must have for Christopher to put anything above that.

He knocked on the door without a second thought and placed his hands in his pockets nervously as he waited for an answer. When he saw Christopher’s face as the door opened, his heart soared and he held out his arms for an inevitable hug. He loved how Christopher’s hugs were always full-bodied and suffocating because that was just how Buck needed them to be, especially then.

“Buck! Dad didn’t tell me you were coming over!” Christopher said excitedly and Buck was grateful that at least one of the duo was happy to see him. Even though he figured Eddie would be completely fine with the unexpected visit, his mind was too hazed with anxiety to accept that.

“That’s because he didn’t know, Bud. Where is he?” Buck asked, taking a few steps inside just as Eddie rounded the corner. Eddie’s face showed surprise and then immediate concern, and even once Buck smiled at him, the worry in his features seemed to only marginally lessen as he smiled back.

“Just in time to tuck Christopher into bed for the night!” Eddie yelled with a mock joy that did nothing to convince Christopher that bedtime was as exciting as Buck’s surprise arrival.

“But dad,” Christopher drawled out, “Buck just got here!” For a moment, Buck’s guilt must have been obvious, but Eddie scooped his son up in his arms with an easy explanation.

“And Buck can visit anytime he likes. That doesn’t mean you need to be awake for it. Go brush your teeth while I talk with him and we’ll both come say goodnight in a few minutes, okay?” Christopher sighed heavily as Eddie put him back on the ground, but peered around to Buck who nodded to confirm that he wasn’t going anywhere. If he had the opportunity to put his favorite kid to bed, he wouldn’t - and couldn’t when Christopher looked at him with such wide, pleading eyes - say no.

When Christopher was safely out of earshot, Eddie rested a hand on Buck’s shoulder and stated, “You barely ever come here without texting me first.” Buck huffed out a laugh.

“What? I’m not just allowed to come by ‘anytime I like’?” Buck quoted back at Eddie who looked very unimpressed having his words used against him. The ‘you know that’s not what I meant’ was clear in the way his eyebrows furrowed and his arms crossed over his chest. “I just needed a friend. I needed-- well, I needed you,” Buck admitted simply, and fortunately, that appeared to be enough.

“I’ve got a few beers in the fridge leftover from the game on Sunday and I think some juice and Gatorade? Take your pick,” Eddie offered from where he continued finishing up the dirty dishes from dinner. Buck needed to keep his hands busy or his nerves would get the best of him so he stood next to Eddie, holding his hands out for the next rinsed off dish. Eddie apparently decided to take the help and handed Buck the cleaned saucepot without a word.

Their bodies were aligned perfectly with arms pressed together snugly and Bucks’ socked foot nudging against Eddie’s slippered one with each pivot toward the dishwasher. It was comfortable in every sense of the word and just what Buck needed for his mind to finally start to simmer down. For a few minutes, all he focused on was the warmth radiating from Eddie’s body and the repetitive motions of putting the dishes away the exact way he knew Eddie wanted them. He started the dishwasher and all of the stress associated with his parent’s disappointment was washed away from him as if he put himself in the rinse cycle.

“Buck! Dad!” Christopher called from what sounded like his bedroom. As they walked together, Eddie’s hand never left the middle of Buck’s back as if he somehow knew exactly what Buck had needed from the moment he arrived.

“Ouch,” Eddie began and they entered Christopher’s room, “pushed to second place when his Buck is around. Really stings, kid.” Christopher grinned at them unaffected, his smile brighter than anything Buck had ever seen, and he patted his dad on the cheek.

“I like when both of you put me to bed,” Christopher stated and Buck’s heart exploded once more. He couldn’t resist leaning down and wrapping his arms around the kid as tight as he could, pressing an overexaggerated kiss to his temple and rubbing his cheek on Christopher’s out of control hair. Christopher didn’t seem to worry about the affection and held Buck back just as tight, and when Buck pulled away, Christopher held Buck’s face in his hands and leaned up enough to kiss his forehead firmly.

“You’re a good kid, Chris. You know that?” Buck asked, brushing his curly hair back from his forehead only for it to spring forward anyway.

“Yeah, I know. You’re my best friend. You and my daddy,” Christopher said simply as if those words weren’t everything Buck had ever hoped to hear. He couldn’t imagine ever saying those words about his own father, let alone to his own father and something about Chris admitting them so freely had his breath catching in his throat. He was rendered speechless and Buck was grateful when Eddie leaned into their space and kissed Christopher’s other temple gently before pulling the sheets over his chest.

“Love you, Christopher. Thank you for being such a good boy today and every day,” Eddie said as he stood.

“Love you more and I love you, Buck,” Christopher said easily as his eyes closed - as if it was the last thing he needed to make sure his dad and Buck knew before he fell into sleep.

“I love you, too, Chris, so much,” Buck answered as Eddie pulled him from the bedroom.

He felt like he could cry. He wasn’t sure if the tears that welled in his eyes were from Christopher’s words or from the impending doom that would be his own family’s gathering or even from exhaustion brought on by literally every single thing in his life. All he knew was that Eddie pulled him down the hallway and into the living room and when he was drawn into his best friend’s warm embrace, the dam inside of him cracked more than he wanted it to.

“Buck, what’s going on, man? I haven’t seen you like this since--” Buck was glad Eddie didn’t finish. There’d been way too many times that he had broken down in front of Eddie since they had met and he didn’t need a reminder of how weak he was, especially when he was sure he would get one from his parents soon enough. “Talk to me. You came here for a reason so you have to let me in, okay?” Eddie’s voice was on the edge of panic as he urged Buck to sit on the couch.

“Is it hard to be a parent?” Buck asked hastily. Eddie seemed to consider his question for a moment, but Buck didn’t like the way it sounded and backtracked, “Wait, that’s not--”

“You mean, why was it so hard for your parents to be good parents?” Eddie responded and Buck’s jaw dropped. Before he could ask how Eddie knew what he meant, he shrugged and explained, “You’ve been off since Maddie told you your parents were going to visit and she gave me the heads up that there’s history there I might not know.”

“Dammit, Maddie,” Buck cursed under his breath. Eddie let out a small laugh and rested a hand on Buck’s thigh, the small touch immediately sending a sense of calmness through Buck he couldn’t try to solve.

“She cares about you. I care about you. So will you let me answer your first question?” Buck nodded and Eddie took a preparing breath. “Being a parent is the hardest thing I’ve ever done and I’m a veteran and a firefighter. But it’s also the easiest thing I’ve ever done because my life wouldn’t be the same without Christopher. It wouldn’t be nearly as exciting or worth living without him and I think you’d agree with me.”

“He’s the best kid I’ve ever met,” Buck said without thought because it was true. “He’s so easy to take care of and he listens more often than not and he’s got a sense of humor that won’t quit. He’s--”

“He’s a nine year old with Cerebral Palsy, a dead mother, and a single father that works 24-hour shifts on a weekly basis. He’s an incredible kid, don’t get me wrong, but he’s got more problems than you ever did.” Buck winced, but he couldn’t argue with that. Buck had it easy as a child and he shouldn’t be complaining just because his parents neglected his emotional needs a little.

“Yeah, I know I’m just overreacting--”

“Hey, no. Stop that,” Eddie said as Buck made to stand. Eddie pulled him back down and angled his head as if making sure Buck couldn’t look away from his eyes. “Buck, you’re not overreacting. Whatever you feel, whatever you went through as a kid, those emotions and-- and anger that you obviously feel toward your parents is extremely valid.” Buck felt all of the air leave his lungs and his heart jumped into his throat because no one had ever told him he was allowed to be upset.

Maddie had always asked him to give their parents a break, to cut them some slack and be grateful the siblings at least had each other. He tried his hardest to do just that, but there were only so many times his parents could miss his football games or ignore his obvious attempts at scrounging for attention before the resentment for them rose into too much for any kid to handle.

But no one in his life - his sister or other distant relatives, his guidance counselors or teachers, his friend’s parents, all of whom saw how he was impacted - had ever told him it was okay to feel angry or that it was okay to expect more from the people who raised him.

“My parents, they--” Buck choked on tears that he tried so hard to hold back. The only calmness around him came from Eddie’s hand rubbing soothing circles on his back and his other resting gently on Buck’s thigh. He didn’t have time to be embarrassed by the intimacy of the touches or to think too much about what they might have meant as he continued, “They never saw me. It was like I didn’t even exist to them. Like-- Like I was just some sort of accident they couldn’t rewind time to fix. I was so alone in the world besides Maddie, but even then, she found Doug and left me as soon as she could. It was like every person I met didn’t care if I disappeared and everyone else disappeared even though I cared.”

Eddie hummed in what sounded like understanding before asking, “Have your parents ever offered you an explanation?”

“Yeah, right,” Buck said sharply. He softened his tone when he realized Eddie’s hand had stopped moving on his back and glanced back up at his friend with a sad smile on his face. “It was always my fault. I was too reckless, too wild, too hard to handle, too exhausting . It made me easy to give up on.” Eddie opened his mouth as if to apologize or argue against Buck’s words but Buck shook his head and rested his hand on top of Eddie’s where his fingertips started to dig into his thigh.

“You don’t give up on your kids,” Eddie said simply. His eyebrows furrowed, his nose flared and he pressed his lips together so tightly, the skin around them started to pale. Buck could see the frustration rising in him and tried to smile to lighten the mood but it wasn’t enough. “No, you-- Kids are so hard to raise, but a parent has to be there for them before they decide to give up, and even then! I would never give up on Christopher and you have no idea many people have told me I have or even should .”

“Excuse me?” Buck interrupted, his own anger bubbling inside at the insinuation that Christopher wasn’t worth the entire world.

“That shouldn’t be surprising, Buck. Like I said, he’s got a disability that inhibits his quality of life - even if he or either of us doesn’t see it that way - and he’s gone through more trauma than any kid should ever have to handle at his age. It would make sense for me to send him off to a boarding school for kids with special needs or to live with his grandparents who are way more equipped to handle him than I am,” Eddie explained. Buck had a hard time processing what he was hearing because Eddie would never do that to Christopher, there was no way.

“Have you thought about that?” Buck asked, his eyes searching Eddie’s for the truth.

Eddie sighed and nodded. “Yeah, of course I have,” he admitted with shame resonating in his voice. “There are nights where I just want to-- I don’t know, lock myself in my room and forget that I have this responsibility or days where I just wish I could catch a freaking break.”

For the first time since Buck had known Eddie, he felt anger towards his best friend. He thought of Christopher; who told Buck he was his best friend, who reminded him that everything was going to be okay, and told him he was good, and couldn’t possibly imagine ever wanting that to disappear. He thought that if Christopher was his kid, he would have never considered those alternatives.

Then he looked back at the last few years he had known the family and realized there had been plenty of opportunities for Eddie to do even more than consider. He could have sent Christopher to one of the schools Carla had found during their search that required boarding or even let Christopher go home with his grandparents when they begged Eddie to move back to Texas. Eddie could have ‘made his life easier’ if that’s what he wanted, but he chose not to.

“So,” Buck began, gripping Eddie’s hand tight in his as if grasping onto comfort and hoping it never went away, “what did you do instead?”

“I loved him anyway. Through everything - the hard times, the fun times, the times where I wanted to pull my hair out or put him in timeout and never let him out - I just… love him anyway.”

_____________

The dinner was going about half as bad as Buck had figured it would be. He had to resist the urge to check the watch on his wrist every few minutes, knowing that if he stayed too late, he might not be able to find himself over at Eddie’s again when he needed it. He had texted Eddie as he paced outside his sister’s house and asked that Eddie message him at exactly eight on the dot so he could have an excuse to leave. He realized pretty quickly after the dinner had begun that he was going to need his best friend. First, it was the comment about his ‘dangerous’ career and then Buck was reminded of the number of hospital stays he endured without his parents sending so much as a card.

Then they brought out the box of memories of Maddie that they kept for her entire childhood only to be eerily silent when his was nowhere to be found. Chimney tried to ease the tension that hazed the room, but there was nothing that could be done. Buck stared down at his still full plate - he had lost his appetite almost immediately - to try and ignore the conversation around him but he couldn’t.

Not when it became increasingly clear that his parents had every opportunity to choose to love him and they just… didn’t.

It was one snipe at Maddie or Chim and then back to Buck after another and he couldn’t find it in himself to sit there a second longer keeping his mouth shut as he had been forced to the entirety of his young life. When his mother made yet another comment about Doug full well knowing how uncomfortable Maddie - and subsequently, Chim - were at the topic, Buck couldn’t stay calm anymore.

“You never gave up hope?” Buck asked, the venom on his tongue paralyzing everyone around the table. Maddie begged him to stop, the plea clear in her voice and her eyes because she just wanted the night to go smoothly, but Buck refused. “United front, remember?”

Buck barely registered the excuses that spilled from his parent’s mouths; that they never gave up hope for Maddie or that they didn’t know Doug was hurting her. Buck reminded them that while, in their twisted minds, they never gave up hope, they gave up on Maddie. They didn’t help her when she was being beaten to a pulp almost every single night or bother to prove they were there for her, for either of them. Buck was so focused on Maddie, he forgot that they had neglected him, too.

“Actually, you know what? Maybe it does track, because you barely knew what was going on with your own kids when we were under the same roof. Maybe you never gave up hope,” Buck took a deep breath to try and push back the shakiness in his voice so his words might stick, “but you sure as hell gave up on her. You gave up on both of us.”

Buck pushed out of his chair, ignoring the pained eyes of his parents and the sympathetic gazes from Chimney and Maddie. He knew he should just leave, get out of there before he said something he was really going to regret, but his therapist had warned him again continuing to avoid confrontation with the people he cared about so he carried on, holding his arms up and out as if they were shields and turned back toward his parents.

“Oh, and, uh, and you wanna know why I'm really in therapy? It is because I have spent my entire life feeling like a constant disappointment. And you wanna talk about our jobs? You think my job is dangerous?” A ghost of a laugh settled somewhere in his chest. “I have walked through fire every single day of my life because of you!” Buck spat, his throat burning with emotion, his voice like gravel with anger and resentment. “ That is why I am in therapy. Because nothing I ever did was good enough!”

“We tried, but you always…” His dad began and there it was again; that blame that Buck held onto ever since he was a kid and that he carried with him into adulthood.

“You never made it easy on us!” His mom interrupted with tears falling down her cheeks. Because somehow, even after everything he had said, everything was still Buck’s fault. He was never going to get through to them that maybe - just maybe - they were what was wrong. “Either one of you.”

“We were supposed to? We were kids,” Maddie chimed in, her voice breaking with every word. Buck wanted to comfort her but when he glanced over, he realized Chimney had his arm wrapped around her, protecting her from the arguing and the emotion that fogged over them. He was momentarily grateful because for once, he didn’t have to worry about anyone besides himself. Something tugged inside of Buck because there was no one to protect him because the people who were supposed to do just that were looking up at him like they never wanted to see him again.

“Evan, I don't know what you expected us to do!” His mother cried and Eddie’s voice was so clear in his mind.

‘What did you do instead?’ ‘I loved him anyway.’

Buck relented. He was done with the fighting, finished with the way his heart constricted in his chest like the rope his parents tied around it when he was a child was about to slice it in two. He didn't want to feel alone anymore and he was reminded that he was far from it when his phone went off in his pocket. The small vibration that only he could feel resonated through his entire body and soul because with one glance at the clock, he knew the message would belong to Eddie. Even when he felt like he was all alone, Eddie reminded him that wasn’t the case and, without even knowing, pushed Buck into saying exactly what his parents needed to hear.

“Love me anyway.”

[never-fully-lucid]

[Un]Subtle Signs

Pairing: Abed Nadir / Reader 

Summary: You’re caught off guard when the boy you’ve been [not so] sneakily admiring just straight up asks you about your feelings. No Y/N used.

Word Count: 1.3 k

“Do you like me?”  

The words seem to echo in the silence of the empty street, and it takes you a few seconds to process the loaded question. How you’d gone from discussing the quality of visual effects in Inspector Spacetime to Abed dropping this fucking conversational bomb was a mystery. The two of you had offered to buy Troy some medicine for his current cold, and had been making your way back to their apartment while casually discussing the show. Seemingly out of nowhere he’d popped the question, in the same tone you’d use to discuss the weather, and now you’re stuck waiting for your brain to stop making fax machine noises.

Once your brain has sufficiently rebooted, you realize that you’ve stopped walking and take a few strides to make up for the distance between you. Abed- now also standing still- is looking at you expectantly, clearly awaiting some form of reaction.  

Deciding to tread cautiously, you respond, making sure to keep your tone light-hearted,

“Of course I do, Abed. I consider us good friends.”  

Friends, you repeat to yourself. Just friends.

Instead of taking your answer at face value and resuming the trek, Abed studies you. You hope that the one theater class you took when you were twelve is paying off right now. As his silence stretches for a beat too long, you feel yourself growing a little flustered and more than a little stressed.

Could he know how you feel about him? You’d been so careful! Taking care not to stare at him for too long during study sessions, making sure not to ask him too many personal questions despite wanting to know him better. After all, you didn’t want to make him feel uncomfortable around you; you’ve been known to come on a bit too strong in order to compensate for your own awkwardness.

Finally, he speaks up;

“I know that we’re good friends. But that isn’t the kind of “like” that I’m referring to, and I think you know that.” he says, and your stomach sinks a little, blood rushing to your face.  

Shitshitshit! He knows! Or at the very least, suspects!!

“Hah- hah” you laugh weakly, meaning for it to sound lighthearted but coming out slightly choked off. Alarm bells ring in your head and you scramble to do as much damage control as possible, your brain working on overdrive trying to salvage your cover. For all you know this could cost you your friendship with the boy in front of you.  

“Not that you’re not a good-looking great guy,” great start, real smooth, “but can I ask why you’re asking me of all people?” you manage to pull off a small perplexed smile as you speak, which proves hard to do under his intense stare.

Without a pause, Abed launches into his seemingly prepared explanation:

“I'm a perceptive person- I observe those in my close circles, and we’re around each other pretty often. I know that you look at me more than you look at others in the group. At first I simply accredited that to our placement at the table, but there were other signs.”

Uh oh.  

He continues;

“When our eyes meet, you look away and usually flush shortly after. You smile a lot when I’m talking, even if it’s about references that you don’t get. You try to be open about your feelings when we talk so that I don’t have to decipher what you really mean. You look at me the way that you were looking at me minutes ago: your eyes crinkle at the edges, you lean forward; your lips curl slightly upwards- you look... ‘soft.’”

Nonono.  

Your heart is racing. Palms sweaty. Knees weak. Arms heavy- you know; the whole shebang.

“Plus, on the rare occasion that I wear tank tops, I can basically feel you burning a hole into me with your sta-”

“I get it!” you interject, cutting him off rather abruptly. You’d been rapidly growing redder throughout his speech, and by this point you’re sure that all the blood in your body has flooded to your face. You wonder if you could faint to avoid this conversation, and contemplate holding your breath to better those chances.. 

Oh well.

A sigh escapes your mouth. “I thought I’d been so sneaky,” you admit a little dejectedly. There’s no point in trying to deny it now, not after all the surprisingly detailed examples that clearly pointed out your infatuation. Abed’s brows raise, a little surprised to see you acknowledge it so quickly.

“You did your best, and I don’t think the others know,” he points out, seemingly to offer some consolation.  

His words don’t make what you need to say next any less painful, but you know you have to put your feelings aside:

“I’m really sorry if my attention made you uncomfortable. Our friendship is really important to me, not just on the basis of being study-group friends. To be honest, ever since the whole trying-to-set-you-up scenario, I was nervous to ask if you were open to dating, let alone admit my growing feelings and ruin our friendship,” your palms are sticky with sweat, so you wipe them on your shirt.

“I really did try to ignore them. My feelings, I mean. Regardless, I really hope that this doesn’t affect our relationship, and I’m willing to just forget that this talk ever happened, and I promise I’ll try to stop reacting to you the way I d-”

“Don’t.”  

This time it’s Abed who cuts you off, which has you blinking up in surprise at him. Which part does he not want you to do? Before you can ask, he continues,

“Don’t pretend this didn’t happen. And don’t try to change the way you act around me.”

Your eyes widen a little as his gaze moves away from your face, almost self-consciously. A flicker of hope ignites in your chest, and with baited breath, you ask:

“Why not?”

Abed takes a small step towards you, still looking away. 

“Because we share similar interests. Because you always try to think of others, even when being scatterbrained. Because you find happiness in the small things in life. Because I like spending time with you. I’m drawn to you in the same way that you’re drawn to me.” He’s looking at you again, that intense gaze directed at you, with a small smile gracing his lips.

Your flicker of hope is now a burning flame that’s spread throughout your body, and you can feel your mouth stretching into an ear splitting grin. Almost in a dream-like state, you take a small step towards him, looking for any sign that he doesn’t want you so intimately close. Seeing none, you proceed to wrap your arms around his waist, and lean your head into his chest. He smells like soap and some kind of laundry detergent, mixed with a scent that’s just uniquely him. As he returns the embrace, wrapping his larger arms around your frame, a strong sense of comfort washes over you; a feeling you didn’t know you were longing for so strongly prior to this very moment.

The two of you stay standing in the middle of the street, simply basking in your newfound closeness, until the moment is punctured by a deep growl coming from Abed’s stomach, making you giggle against his chest and unwind your arms from his torso. 

“We should get back to Troy, he’ll get mad if we leave him waiting,” you suggest, voice hushed due to the lack of space between the two of you. Before you can move to step back in order to walk beside him, Abed reaches out and takes your hand, studying your reaction. Your grin returns tenfold, grateful that he’s considerate of your response, and you lace your fingers through his larger ones, pulling him in the direction of his and Troy’s street. 

You know there are still things left to be discuss, feelings left to share; maybe friends left to tell, but right now the warmth of his palm against yours is your primary focus, as you walk hand in hand down the empty street, debating the special effects budget of your favourite Inspector Spacetime episodes. 

     ___________________________________________________________

A/N: This is my first fic in a while, so I’m a little nervous posting it,,,  If anyone actually sees this, I’d love some feedback / criticism- my knowledge of appropriate tenses, character writing, and all syntax went out the window. 

[I struggle with expressing physical contact, which is why there’s a lot of making sure that both parties are comfortable with what’s happening!] 

Abed deserves all the love 🥺

[creativeskullcreations]

HTaHHQ episode 4: Unarmed part 2

And thus Stacy is now a little bit more used to all the Puppets, though she's not terribly happy at Scout right now. Hopefully they can work through it, but we'll have to see.

Luckily, Stacy only blacked out for a few seconds before her senses returned. There was a lot of yelling involved, which was torture on her pounding head, but, luckily, she didn't seem to have landed on anyone. She sat up with a groan, and everyone was instantly on her. Danny buried his face in her shirt with a loud sob(gross), and the Puppets clung to them both while yelling questions.

"Are you okay?!" Canon clung to her hair, swinging in front of her face. Stacy carefully grabbed the Puppet and set her down, then patted Danny's head.

"I'm fine." She assured them quietly. "Just slipped, no big deal." She cleared her throat. "Did that loads of time at the ballet studio. Me, and several others." That was a lie, she'd never fallen that hard before. "Let's just go back to the movie..."

Danny nodded and finally stopped clinging to his sister. She went to stand up, but almost fell again when her right arm didn't move to support her weight. "Oh, I don't think arms are supposed to bend like that..." Bonzai muttered, and Stacy felt her heart stop when she looked to see what he meant.

The arm was twisted at the elbow, and when Stacy tried to move it there was instead a sickeningly grinding sound as it stayed still. She could still move the hand, however, but that was useless with the rest of her arm unusable.

"... Mary's going to kill me." She whispered. panic rising. They did not have the money for this. At all. She tried again to move the joint, but found it just as stuck as it was a few seconds ago.

She had no idea what to do. Should she try and wench it back into place? Leave it and hope Mary didn't notice? No that was insane, she couldn't go without the use of one arm for the next three months. Taking a deep breath, she grabbed the wrist and prepared to pull.

"Wait!" Canon grabbed her hand. "You shouldn't do that! You could break it more."

"Well what's your suggestion, then? Because if Mary or Dad find out about this, I am so dead!" She hissed out, casting a glance at Danny. Luckily, he didn't seem to grasp the gravity of the situation.

"Well... " She hesitated briefly, swallowing down the apprehension of the suggestion. "Riley's good at this sort of thing-"

"No." The reply was harsh and quick.

"Stacy, you have to." The blue haired Puppet pointed at her mangled elbow. "You can't fix that by yourself."

"Watch me." She attempted to tug, and was rewarded with nothing. The next few pulls were met with the same, and she realized with dawning horror that she had to tell someone. Canon sighed again as she realized what was happening.

"Stacy, we are going to Riley. Right now."

"No, I can fi-OWOWOWOW! Stop that!" She grabbed at the Puppet now on her head, pulling her hair. Canon dodged her weak attempts, leaning down into her view.

"You will go to Riley or I will go get Riley." She told the girl, who glared back, but even she knew she was defeated.

"Fine." She ground out, standing up. Danny stood with her, the other Puppets gathered in his arms. Except for Scout, who Jumped onto Stacy's shoulder with Canon.

"It's okay." The younger Puppet tried to quietly assure her as the group made the trip to Riley's room. "Riley's really nice, I promise."

Stacy ignored her, left hand digging into her sleeve as she approached the door to her possible doom. She stopped just before the door, in a moment that went on forever as she stared, unblinking, into space.

"Nope." She turned on her heel, fully intending on heading back to the playroom, but a loud thunk behind her made her stop. She turned just in time to see Scout sliding down the door, having launched herself at it. Stacy didn't even have time to murderously glare at the Puppet before it opened to reveal Riley in full lab gear, goggles down and mask up.

She pushed the goggles up, spotting Scout almost immediately. "I don't have the time to babysit. Tell me now, what is it?"

Scout didn't even hesitate before she pointed to Stacy. "Stacy broke her robot arm and needs help fixing it!" She informed the scientist. Riley looked up at the girl, who had angled away to try and hide her arm. It failed, though, as the Puppet could still see how obviously twisted it was.

"Hmm, I see." She turned and gestured. "Follow me." It took Stacy a second, but, reluctantly, she did as she was told. Only for Riley to suddenly pluck Canon from her head and hand her to Danny before shooing him and the Hand Puppets away. "Not you, I'm afraid. Why don't you go back and play. This is something we need to do alone, and we'll come get you when we're done." And then she closed the door, shutting them out.

Stacy watched this with no small amount of fear, wishing she could speak up to say "No, stop, I want them in here." She didn't, though, and instead stood silently as she'd always done. She jumped slightly when Riley cleared her throat, startled out of her thoughts.

"Off with the shirt so that I can take a look." The rhymes were getting looser, but Stacy wisely didn't point that out and instead took off her shirt, leaving her with just a plain pink tank top instead. She set it aside on the table and offered up her arm, which Riley grabbed to look at.

"Hmm, I see what happened, and it's an easy fix. Just come with and I'll, uh-" She had tried to lead Stacy to a work table, only for the arm to fall limply in her hands. Looking back, she saw the girl standing there almost too innocently, right arm now just a stump with a metal cap on it. "Clever." Was all Riley said about it, before heading to the work table.

Stacy followed, curious to how the Puppet would fix the arm. She kept her distance, but inched closer when she realized Riley wasn't paying attention to her. She may not like the Puppet, but she did want to see her fix the arm.

It was delicate work, however, as she'd twisted the elbow joint quite badly when she'd fell. It involved taking the arm apart at the elbow, so Riley could untwist everything. Gently, she pushed wires back where they belonged, making sure the joint itself wasn't cracked or shattered.

"Luckily, the damage isn't so great that I'm unable to repair." She told the girl. "But how this happened, you need to share."

"Hmm." A pause, because honestly it was kinda embarrassing. "... I was showing the others a dance and slipped..." She finally mumbled, twisting the hem of her tank top in her hand. "... Landed on the robot arm..." She was startled when Riley suddenly grabbed her stump, inspecting the area around the connector.

"Any damage to the flesh of your arm would be alarming." She told Stacy seriously as she examined it. "Lucky for you, there's no evidence of even a bruise forming."

"Okay..." She yanked her stump out of the Puppet's hands and rubbed at it to try and scrub the feeling of her rubbery gloves away. She wanted to scratch, but knew by now that would just cause her to bleed.

If Riley thought that was an odd reaction, she didn't give any indication of it and instead turned back to fixing up the prosthetic. This time, however, she talked as she worked, telling Stacy about the different parts she was working on and how they fit together. And she did it all in rhyme, which even Stacy had to admit was impressive, since she was coming up with all of it on the fly.

After some time, though, she finally finished and had put everything back together. She bent and unbent the elbow a few times to make sure things were working as intended, then presented it to Stacy. The girl grabbed it and, though she didn't explain it verbally, she did make sure Riley could see how she hooked it into the connector. It was fairly simple, but the Puppet still watched her do it with intense interest.

Pulling her long sleeved shirt back on, Stacy wondered how she could make it up to the scientist. Her eye caught the box of beakers, seemingly untouched since yesterday. She stared at it, mind turning over the consequences of each option before her. Taking a deep breath and willing her voice to be steady, she spoke up.

"I heard Nick talking about something yesterday." She was pleased with how casual she managed to sound, even as her heartbeat picked up.

"Oh?" Riley turned around, giving the girl her full attention and making her even more nervous. "What did he say?"

"He was talking about how he replaced the beakers you used on the show with ones made of sugar glass. As payback because you took his paint." She tried to keep from rambling.

Casting a suspicious look, Riley wheeled over and grabbed the box, taking out one of the beakers to inspect it against the light. Stacy could see it in her eyes when she realized she was telling the truth.

Expression turning briefly murderous before going blank, the Handeeman put the beaker back into the box and wheeled out of the room. Stacy following close behind, curious as to what she would do. Right outside, she found the others, and quickly indicated that they should all follow Riley, who was waiting for them in the elevator.

The ride down was tense and silent, everyone able to feel the anger radiating off of the scientist. Not even Bonzai tried to lighten the mood with a quick quip, too frightened of Riley's dark demeanor to even make the attempt.

Daniel suppressed a yawn as his pen lightly tapped against his notebook. Nick stood at the head of the table, trying to explain his changes to the script. Daniel was pretty sure he hadn't been thinking with those changes, considering he didn't seem to have an explanation for half of them.

He was pretty sure this meeting would end with all changes reverted. Just like every other time this had happened. Daniel was pretty sure Nick only made changes to be a nuisance and ruin everybody else's weekend. Still, he diligently took notes on the answers Nick did give, and hoped Mortimer would call the meeting done soon.

What neither he or anyone else knew, was that soon the meeting would be about something else entirely. Quietly, without anyone taking notice, the doorknob turned and the door was pushed open ever so slightly. A moment later, the door was slammed open, hitting against the wall hard enough to leave a dent.

"Nicholas Nack!" Riley shrieked as she burst into the room. "How dare you!" And then she threw one of the beakers at the artist, making everyone scream and yell.  Beyond her, in the doorway, Stacy, Danny, and the Handpuppets could be seen, watching the whole thing go down.

"Riley!" Mortimer yelled as the humans dove beneath the table. That didn't stop her, as she began to chase Nick around the room, throwing the beakers at him.

"I'll show you to steal my stuff!" She shrieked as sugar glass broke against the walls. Daisy pulled one of the writers away as they barreled past, and she wondered just what was happening this time.

"How did you find out?!" He dodged another attempt, and the kids ducked back from the doorway as the beaker flew past and shattered against the wall. Danny was laughing, and the Hand Puppets were cheering Riley on, though they were all drowned out by the yelling inside the room. Stacy just watched, recalling a similar scene from her childhood.

When she was young, her mother liked to put on old tapes of Mortimer's Handeemen, and there was skit just like this, also featuring Riley and Nick. Back then the skit had really upset her, even with her mom assuring her it wasn't real and was just pretend. It hadn't helped and all subsequent viewings of the tape had them fast forwarding through the skit.

Watching Riley now, in the present, launch herself off of her stand and across the room at Nick, Stacy was pretty sure they weren't pretending now. Luckily, she was saved from trying to figure out what to do when Daisy finally spotted them and rushed out of the room, closing the door behind her.

"I'll bet you kids are hungry!" She said with fake cheer. "Why don't we go on down to the cafeteria, and I'll get you kids something to eat."

"But I wanna watch Riley kill Nick!" Bit protested, even as Daisy and Stacy worked to herd them away.

"Nope! Y'all don't get to see that today!" She hurried them along. "But don't worry, they'll be fine. This just... it happens sometimes. Don't worry." She gave a soft sigh, and Stacy felt the guilt of what she started build in her stomach.

'Better now than later I guess.' She tried to reassure herself. 'At least nobody knows that I helped with the prank. Except for Nick and Danny. I hope they don't tell anyone.'

[drop-of-infinity]

Ok here it is! This is kinda weirdly formatted so bear with me, and sorry if it doesn’t make sense with later seasons, I haven’t gotten there yet.

<><><><>

Chapter 1: Season 4

Lazarus Rising

{“I’m the one who gripped you tight and raised you from perdition.” It’s the truth, obviously. Castiel studies the man who just shot him. He wonders if Dean remembers anything. Cas gripping him to his chest and flying out of Hell with his hand on Dean’s shoulder from behind, a blur of blood and rainbow wings.

{“Yeah well, thanks for that.” Clearly he doesn’t.

{“Good things do happen Dean.” Dean almost laughs. Because yeah, forty years in hell was definitely not what he’d call a good thing.

{“What’s the matter?” Dean is careful not to let any emotion into his eyes. This trench coat clad being may be an ally, but he’s not a friend.

{“You don’t think you deserve to be saved.” Dean blinks. The gentleness was what caught him off guard. The angel- Castiel? He wasn’t teasing, he wasn’t mocking- but he wasn’t asking. It was a statement. A very gentle statement that slices through Dean’s walls with its casual wording and kind inflection and briefly makes him feel weak. Oh I don’t like this guy at all.

Episodes 2-4

{Castiel only talks to him in dreams. Because of this, he knows what Dean looks like in his sleep better than awake. His face is a lot more peaceful. Castiel... feels. He wishes he could spare him the pain that is to come. It terrifies him. He ignores it.

{“Cas said if I don’t stop you he will.” Dean does not register the fact that he had just given an angel of the lord a nickname until an hour or so later. He twitches his head slightly, and wonders if said angel will mind. Castiel is a bit of a mouthful. Why should I care if he minds? Dean decides to call him that out of spite.

Episode 7

{They have talked alone before, but usually only in Dean’s head. When Cas sits next to him on the bench, and tells him what the real orders were, Dean can’t believe he’s surprised.

{“I was praying you would choose to save the town.” Now that surprises him quite a bit. He listens to Cas’s explanation, and tries to see humans the way he does.

{Castiel cares. He cares about humanity more than ever, and he can’t put his finger on why. The tiny emotions inside him are growing, and he is scared. Angels aren’t supposed to care.

Heaven and Hell

{“You’re some heartless sons of bitches you know that?” Dean shouldn’t be hurt. He isn’t hurt. Cas is just like the other angels, which Dean knew, and he shouldn’t be hurt. But Cas talks about humanity with emotions he clearly isn’t supposed to have, and this stings just a little.

{“As a matter of fact we are.” They aren’t. Well Castiel isn’t, anyway. He’s supposed to be, he TRIED to be but he’s not. Better Dean think he is though. It’s better. Isn’t it?

{Dean stabbed the demon before it could hurt Cas. He was angry, not heartless.

{Uriel launched himself towards Dean. Castiel stopped him. He tried to untangle the web of feelings he wasn’t even supposed to have, but he couldn’t.

On the Head of a Pin

{“WE. Don’t care.” Cas-thats what Dean calls him and he’s started calling himself that subconsciously because most people don’t address him by name-stares at the ground. He shouldn’t care, he CANT care, but he does. He cares about humans and he cares about the angels that are dying and he cares about Dean. He cares about Dean and he can’t ask him to do this but he has to, he HAS to.

{Cas can’t ask him to do this. He CANT. “If I walk through that door, you won’t like what comes out.” Dean doesn’t like the way he phrases that, as if Cas’s opinion was more important than anything. I don’t want to give him a bigger head then he already has. But they were becoming... well not friends exactly, angels probably weren’t allowed friends. But even if Dean wasn’t Cas’s friend, Cas was becoming his and he couldn’t ask Dean to do this but he had.

{“I was getting too close to the humans in my charge. You.” Cas wonders if he should have said that differently, but it’s the truth. Dean probably doesn’t like him very much, but Cas had been beginning to see the green-eyed suicidally brave man in front of him as a friend. He doesn’t spare a thought for the fact that he shouldn’t be feeling what he’s feeling. Thinking about it doesn’t make it stop.

{“For the first time... I feel.” He’s not sure Anna understands. He doesn’t even understand himself.

{Cas is trying to reassure him. Dean can see it. He’s talking gently and he’s being kind and his eyes and voice are soft. It’s strange. Why should Cas care if he’s worried?

The Monster at the end of This Book

{“Just so you understand. Why I can’t help.” Dean’s anger evaporates in a second. Cas smiles a secret tiny smile, and some fibre of worry in Dean’s chest melts, just a little.

{Dean walks away and Cas stares at his hands, in awe of what he just did. Dean asked him to disobey heaven and... he hadn’t had he? No surely this didn’t count as disobedience. It was just bending the rules a bit. The voice screaming in his head that he couldn’t do what he was doing was neatly silenced by Dean’s look of gratitude.

Episode 20

{Cas is aware of no feelings other than that he has to warn Dean. He has to. The angels want the apocalypse and his life is cracking and he HAS to tell Dean. Then he gets recalled to heaven, and they talk to him in a manner he won’t know is called “gaslighting” until Dean explains it several years later.

{“I serve heaven. I don’t serve man and I certainly don’t serve you.” Why does it hurt? It’s true. It shouldn’t hurt to say.

{It hurts Dean to hear. Why should it? It’s true. He bets it doesn’t hurt to say.

Lucifer Rising

{He can’t help Dean. He can’t. But every bit of him that isn’t just angel-because there are parts of him that are more now, and he knows it- is screaming that he has to.

{When Cas leaves, Dean knows it shouldn’t feel like a stab. But then again, nothing ever is as it should be with Cas.

{“You aren’t in this story.” “Yeah, well. We’re making it up as we go.” Dean turns to look at Cas. This angel who is rebelling against heaven for humanity, because Dean asked him to. Something odd happens to the mess of emotions in his chest. For an alarming moment, they flutter. He wonders if this is what it feels like to fly.

{Cas banishes Zacharia. He ignores the prophet. He volunteers to hold the archangel off. He wonders if this is what it feels like to fall.

Then Lucifer rises, and neither of them have time to wonder.

[hollowisthyname]

Hello, Icarus! Please infodump to me about Danganronpa?

okay so! I had written out a whole thing but then tumblr deleted it! so that was fun! /s but now that I know what I'm going to write it's much easier, so that's good 😌

n e ways, I'm gonna do like a basic timeline w explanations and some other stuff that hopefully I'll remember once I start writing!! so let's go :D

a list of everything danganronpa in chronological order (not the order that you should play/watch the stuff in, I'll put that in the explanations)

Danganronpa 3: The End of Hope's Peak High School - Despair Arc (DR3) - second anime, watch along with the Future and Hope arcs after playing the first two games (and UDG if you want to). backstory for the cast of the second game.

Danganronpa: Trigger Happy Havoc (THH) - first main game, play first. also has an anime that's basically the same as the game, but since there's not enough time to put everything from the game into the anime I definitely recommend playing the game. high school students from a prestigious school trapped in said school are forced to play a killing game, hijinks ensue.

Danganronpa Another Episode: Ultra Despair Girls (UDG) - third game, not main. play after playing the first two games. very different game mechanics from the main three, and widely considered not cannon by the fandom. I like it though, and it introduces a lot of really interesting characters along with giving a v underdeveloped character from the first game a lot more character development. it's not necessary to play it (though one of the characters plays a pretty big part in the third anime, so that would make more sense if you already knew her), but I think it's interesting and fun. there are also robot fights.

Danganronpa 2: Goodbye Despair (DR2 or SDR2) - second main game, play after playing the first game. same basic premise as the first game, except it's a different class (same school though) and this time they're on an island. even more hijinks and plot twists than the first game.

Super Danganronpa 2.5: Komaeda Nagito to Sekai no Hakaimono - (I could only find the Japanese title for this one, sorry 😔) kinda also part of the second anime? watch after playing the first two games (and UDG if you want) and watching DR3. character is woken up from a coma via overdramatic and overpowered other character.

Danganronpa 3: The End of Hope's Peak High School - Future and Hope Arcs (DR3) - second anime, watch along with the Despair arc after playing the first two games (and UDG if you want to). aftermath of the first two games.

Danganronpa V3: Killing Harmony (DRV3) - third main game, fourth game in total. I don't actually know when it happens bc they're v secretive about everything, so I'm just putting it last. play last. same premise as the first two, the class is trapped in a school with a courtyard and a huge sort of dome around everything. peak hijinks, too many plot twists to count.

woo!! that's the timeline as I know it, hopefully I didn't miss anything. and I have managed to remember what else I was going to say, so let's move on to section two:

the mechanics of the games

danganronpa is, at its core, a glorified visual novel. every character has a certain amount of sprites for when they talk, as well as voice lines that aren't usually the exact text on the screen but fit the vibe of whatever they're saying. and as I've said before, there's quite a lot of talking. these games have more plot than should really be possible and most or all of it is done through dialogue. cutscenes and class trials are the only parts that are reliably fully voice acted, but there are a lot of those.

as for the parts that are less visual novel-y: you can walk around, and the settings are pretty much as 3d as the 2d-ish style of the game allows. you can also click on things, and sometimes clicking on stuff will get you monocoins, the currency of the game, which means you'll be able to buy presents for the characters!!

"now why do I need presents for the characters?" you ask. well, that's because you're given a certain amount of free time each game to hang out with characters you want to get to know better! the game's ending is fixed, so you won't change the course of the game by who you do or don't hang out with, but you can learn more about characters and become closer to them! giving them presents they like makes them like you more :D

and the most exciting part of danganronpa, what a lot of people play the games for, the true lure of the game.... the class trials!!

so these characters are in a killing game, right? basically, they're faced with a sort of lose-lose predicament: stay trapped in the school forever, or kill one of your classmates to "graduate". but it's not as simple as that, because in order to graduate, you can't be caught. and how do you determine whether or not a criminal has been found out? well, a trial of course!

enter the class trials. every student (barring dead or severely wounded ones) is required to participate in a kind of mock trial- except someone's really dead, and they need to find the murderer or they'll all die too.

(right, did I forget to mention that? only one person can graduate. getting out alive insures that none of your classmates get the luxury of doing the same.)

so, yeah. the class trials are a true fight for life on both sides, because who ever loses will be executed.

and they're really, really fun.

entirely voice acted! enough minigames that the list of them is probably longer than this entire post! the joy of solving the mystery! the... execution, right in front of everyone.

hey, it's a dark game. not like they're trying to hide that. and the executions aren't actually all that gory most of the time, but they're still very much there and onscreen. also as close to fully animated as the games ever get, which is pretty cool.

so how the class trials work is this:

there's a murder. dun dun duuuun. you investigate everywhere related to the murder to get "truth bullets", which are the reason you don't immediately fail at the trials. you don't have to remember all of them, they're all written down in your e-handbook. plus, the protagonists all seem to have really good memories.

time for the actual class trial!! Monokuma (asshole bear running the killing game) introduces everything, explains the rules. and everyone starts talking.

there are a lot of different parts to the class trial, but most of it is "nonstop debates". everyone talks one after the other, and you have to find inconsistencies and shoot the right "weak spot" with the right truth bullet. you refute the lie or mistake and everyone goes back to arguing normally.

there's also hangman's gambit (weird hangman to find a key word), multiple choice things (self-explanatory), and plenty of others.

near the end of the trial (or sometimes only a little over halfway in, it varies), the killer will.... kind of become obvious. there's a specific kind of change in behavior that's the mark of the murderer in these games, but I'm not sure how to describe it exactly. a lot of times there's an accent change, and in general they start acting much more erratic. since it's a trial, though, even after this presents itself you still have to prove your case beyond reasonable doubt.

and once it's become clear to the killer that they're backed into a corner, you have to do the "bullet time battle". it goes by different names in different games, but the basic mechanics are the same: you battle against a student (usually the killer, but not always) in a rhythm-based battle where you have to click to the rhythm to refute your opponent's statements. once you've dealt enough damage, you shoot the final piece of evidence, and that's the end of it.

the murderers react differently different times. sometimes they break down and confess. sometimes they keep denying it. sometimes, they're just calm. however they act, though, the end is the same. they are caught and punished accordingly.

but before that, there's one more thing to do. the closing argument.

your final task is to explain how the murder was committed, from idea to execution (look, a pun! see I can be funny too 😌). and you have to do it... as a manga.

you don't have to draw the whole thing yourself ofc- you just have to fill in the missing panels and then watch as the protagonist narrates it to the rest of the class.

and that's all for the class trial, not counting the long talks after every execution while still in the courtroom.

wow, this is getting...... really, really long. there's only one more thing I'm gonna add, and I promise it will be much shorter than the other two bc it is late and I am officially Incredibly Fucking Tired.

with no further ado, a very short part three:

my general impression of the game. its vibes or smth, I dunno this is just what i think about it

when I first heard of danganronpa, I thought it was a horror game. I can now assure you that it is not. thriller? maybe. debatable. but definitely not horror.

and despite its extremely dark premise, this game is not all doom and gloom. there's so much stuff about hope, and overcoming despair even when it seems impossible... it's not exactly a happy game, but there's a lot more of that in there than you'd probably expect.

all in all, I love this game. so much. it means a lot to me, and I think it's a really good game. thanks for letting me talk about it so much asdhfd :D

[vidkid20ssimblrlair]

Episode 32: Sundown At Ashfield (Part 2)

He grabbed his backpack and placed his mask inside. He then pointed towards the cemetery front gate and we entered. We walk through rows of graves as we went deeper and deeper into the cemetery.

Some graves were covered entirely by grass and weeds while others sat tall and crooked in the dirt. He pointed to a giant weeping willow tree and there a small tent sat under it. It looked like a campsite with a little campfire, a sitting area with logs, and various gear sitting around it.

"Welcome," he beamed. "This is my home away from home, so make yourself at home."

"In a cemetery?"

"It's not that bad. It's pretty serene. Plus the dead stay dead here. No rising from the grave so far."

"Still doesn't make it any less creepy."

"Oh, don't be such a Debbie Downer. Sit down. Let's talk."

He sat down and I sat down across from him. I placed my bag beside me and watched him do the same. He lit a fire with a lighter creating a warm glow amongst the chilly gloom.

"So what happened to the fancy stick?" I scoffed. "You actually managed to impress me out there.”

"Really? It’s just something I made using junk at the junkyard. A spear. It took me forever to make” he blushed as I rolled my eyes. “I fashioned it after my favorite video game-"

"Ugh, videogames. You sound like Audrey."

"Who?"

"Nevermind.”

“Well, I left it at the front gate if you want to look at it.”

“No. I don’t.”

“Ok. Ok. Well, I bet this will put a smile on your face." He smirked and reached for his backpack. He pulled out a packet of small spongy cakes. He held it up like a trophy, ripped it open, took out one, and bit into it. He then held the packet out to me. A mouth full of cake, he offered me the other. "Twinkie?"

"No, thanks," I frowned. He seemed disappointed but continued eating. I studied his face now getting a good look. He looked to be banged up a bit. He even seemed to be sporting a shiner and bruises to go with it. Poor guy. My eyes then scan the place as he chomped down on the second cake. I felt unease. Not because of the creepy choice of setting, but for the living who might come by. "So you sure this place is secure?"

"Yep. Along as the gate is closed, they stay out. Maybe one or two might squeeze in -”

“No. I mean the living.”

“Oh. Well, not even my sister knows about this place. Also, most strangers stay clear of places like this, so we’re good."

"Are you sure? No one followed you?"

"Follow me?! No way! They don't care about me or where I go. My sister does, but only when she remembers I'm related to her," he huffed. "Besides, they sent me out on a supply run. They've been sending me out for a lot of supply runs lately. To get me out the way I guess. They probably think I'll be gone for days since they sent me on some stupid hunt for watch batteries. Jokes on them, I found them already. Ha!"

"How about Jade though?"

"What about her?"

"Well, last I left you she was knocked out on the floor thanks to your genius thinking and you were going make up some bullshit story to save your ass. What happened with that?"

"Well, she woke up. That's for sure. She was a bit confused and dizzy at the time so she brought my story. Didn't make her any less angry though. She yelled a lot. Asked me a bunch of questions and yelled some more."

"Oh. So is that who gave you that shiner?"

"The black eye," he asked touching it hesitantly. He shook his head. "No. Ace did this but it's nothing. I've had worse."

"Worse?"

"Yeah. Let's just say I don't keep medical supplies around just for kind strangers like you," he chuckled. He then sighed. "He just gets really angry and frustrated with me is all. After Jade told him my story about getting jumped, he told me I should have done something. Said I was useless. Then he punishes me...with his fist."

I shook my head. "You should leave them."

"But my-"

"Your sister. Yeah, I know, but it's not fair to you. Does she even try to stop it? Does she do anything?"

"She tries to talk him down and she has kept him from killing me so far."

"That's fucked up."

"I'm fine. Really. Don't worry about me," he smirked. He fidgeted a bit and threw his twinkie wrapper to the side. He then grabbed another one. "You sure don't want one? Here take one."

He handed it to me, but I had no interest in cake or food at the moment. I placed it on top of my bag beside me. I looked up at him and his mouth was already full of cake. I groaned. "Enough with the twinkies!"

"You don't like them?"

"They’re fine, but I didn't come here to stuff my face, kid. I came here-"

"For Gemma."

"Bingo. You know her?"

"Yeah. Redhead, right? Tall, pale, insane."

"Yeah. Exactly. Definitely nuts. She part of your crew, right?"

"Yeah. Unfortunately," he mumbled. He tensed up and look downward. "When you said Gemma, I thought the name sound familiar. I wasn't entirely sure. Then it came back to me. You're talking about Big Red."

"Who?"

"Big Red. Her codename is Red Devil, but everybody calls her Big Red. Have you come across her or something?"

"Have I come across her? She's in my house right now. Well, where me and my friends are staying at least. She just showed up one day-"

"Wait! You said she's at your house?" he gasped. "Oh, God. Are you serious?"

"Yeah. She's tied up in our kitchen now-"

"That doesn't matter. You're like in serious danger," he shrilled. He then began grumbling to himself. "They never tell me anything. Shit. Of all the things to not to tell me..."

"Hey! Hey!" I snarled. I snapped my fingers in his face. "Talk to me. What's up?"

He came back to attention. His eyes wide and the color draining from his face. "Has anyone died since she's been there?"

"Meh. No. Not really. We had an old lady named Grace die, but that was before she came and the corpses killed her."

"Well, you're lucky. That's a damn miracle. You see Red takes pleasure in killing. She kills people. She likes toying with them first and then she lets them turn. Sometimes she lets them turn and watches them devour loved ones. She thinks it's funny. She's a psychopath and Ace loves her for it. She’s like his little pet," he said. "He sends her in when he wants a bloodbath, so I don't get it. You should be dead by now."

"Well, we're not and she's tied up. Maybe we got the better of her."

"Of her. Ha! If she wants to kill you... if she wants to get free, she will. She knows how to manipulate people to get what she wants. Trust me. She won't stay tied up for long," he warned. "Hmm...the only reason you're still alive because Ace had to order her not to. That's the only thing that makes sense."

"Why would Ace order her not to? Is that his usual thing?"

"No. Not at all. He takes pleasure in sick shit like Red, but he's a lot more tamer about it I guess. Still strange. At less...," he pondered. He then gasped. "At less, he needs you alive."

I scoffed. "For what?"

"I don't know. It's the only explanation I got though."

"You're hopeless. Do they really not tell you anything?" I sighed. "What about the Ace? What's his deal?"

"Ace aka Johnathan? He's just a power-hungry asshole who takes his jollies on preying on the weak and stealing from them. Who needs to find supplies or food when you can make someone else do it for you," he scowled. "But he didn't start off like that. He was a jerk but he was fairly normal when we met him. Part of me pities him."

"Really?"

"Yeah. Like you, he had a daughter, but he lost her doing this. It broke him. The way she died and everything. It truly broke him."

I started to ask how she died but part of me was afraid. People dying in this mess was enough to mess with your head, but losing a child...that was something else. I thought back to the zombified little girl and I got chills. I then thought of my daughter. Was Mya alive?

Both of us then froze as we heard something. It sounded like it was right behind me. The crinkling of paper? I quickly stood up and look back. A hand was reaching out from behind a gravestone and bushes. It had managed to pull my bag closer to them and its fingers felt around on top of my bag. It grabbed the Twinkies and I grabbed its wrist. It was no way it was a corpse. I pulled out my gun and pulled the intruder towards me. I gasped.

"Audrey?!"

"What? You're weren't eating them and I got hungry," she whined. I let her go and she grab the spongy cakes. "You don't want it right?"

Part 1

Audrey gets those Twinkies in Part 3.

P.S. I wish someone would make a normal looking wooden spear and Twinkies is a nod to Zombieland. xD

[lizacstuff]

Sen Çal Kapımı and Eda/Serkan asks

Hey all, thanks for the asks, I got a bunch after episode 23, so I’m answering them in one big post under the cut. 

(KEEP READING)

Anonymous said: Thoughts on how or if Eda & Serkan finally reconcile in the next few episodes? The show does a nice job of making you feel bad for both Eda & Serkan when it comes to them not being together. It is tough not to melt when Eda & Serkan look at each other and also touch not to yell at the screen “kiss, just finally kiss again please” because the actors have so much chemistry together. Eda has the willpower of a freakin goddess honestly that is the only explanation for them not hooking up post breakup. That aside, I am not crazy about the fact that the show really ramped up the Serkan flirting, love declarations and sweet gestures. While it is totally understandable that Eda would rebuff a lot of it especially initially sometimes it feels like it has also prevented her from ever getting a chance to sort through her feelings. I took the contract as her way to put space between them especially the clause about only work related talk but it feels like she never really got that space. She is just in a constant state of trying to juggle her worries, fears, doubts, desires, a lot of which she probably had before the breakup with her pain from the breakup & secret and she has to constantly be on her guard so as not to give into Serkan. On top of work, trying to be a good friend, school, etc. And now there is another woman in the picture trying to make moves on Serkan which is clearly upsetting her as well. I get Serkan wanting to show Eda that he is willing to change and how much he cares about her but how about just saying “ you know I love you and I will be ready to move forward whenever you decide you are too” and just have them be coworkers for a bit. It would honestly be interesting to see what kind of reaction that gets from Eda.

You make a lot of great points. Honestly, I think Serkan’s actions can be chalked up to a few things:

A) He just can’t help himself. He probably, intellectually wants her to have the time she needs, but when they’re together he just doesn’t know how to hold back. It’s completely in-character and it’s how he acted when they were broken up too. He broke up with her for her own good, and logically knew he needed to stay away from her for both their sakes, but in reality he couldn’t do it and took every opportunity to spend time with her.  

B) They are drawn to one another so when they’re together, neither can resist so it always escalates beyond what either was planning.

C) She always responds to him, and he knows how to get to her, so I think in any given moment he thinks he’s just one move away from her being ready to get back together, and he pushes his luck. He just wants it so badly. 

I also think that Eda would be in a very different emotional place if they hadn’t been thrown for a loop twice.  If she and Serkan had gone to dinner at the end of Episode 20 and talked, they’d be in a better place. Instead, of a nice healing dinner, we got Eda being emotionally scarred by thinking he abandoned her again, because that's how she felt after the break up. Even though she now knows he didn’t stand her up, she still went through those emotions, and they still lost the opportunity to spend that time together and come to an understanding.  

Same thing goes for movie night. She was excited, she wanted to go to his place, she wanted to watch a movie with him, but she gets there and finds this woman who has already unsettled her trying to take her place in his life. So again instead of having time together, alone, when she’s made an overt move, she leaves upset. 

Also, practically, TPTB know that this show’s entire thing is the sexual tension between these two characters so they just want to keep it ramped up to eleventy at all times. Which I can appreciate as a viewer.

As far as the reconciliation, I just want it to be emotional and beautiful and I want to see them happy. Happy like the ice-skating scene, but fully back together and that happy.  I don’t want to put expectations on the next episode, HOWEVER, it is a holiday episode, it is exactly 10 episodes since they broke up, so the time feels right for something good to happen. 

Hi I would like to have your opinion on episode 23 what do you think about it ? I found that there was too much balca she’s almost in every scene. Also the writing felt a bit inconsistent?? especially for serkan and eda (idk how to explain it, but it was weird at times maybe because of the writers changing).  

Full episode thoughts are here.  

At this point any Balca is too much Balca. I’m already ready for that crazy lady to be vanquished. 

As far as the writing feeling inconsistent, maybe it's because the last two episodes had different writers, but I think it's more that they're trying to pad out the series and they needed a few filler episodes until they get back together.  They want to give us the sexual tension and the heart-melting moments, because that is the entire point of the show, but if the emotional momentum kept pace with every scene they gave us, Ed and Serkan would be married by now!  And then the show would be over. So, honestly, I think they're struggling trying to give us those moments without getting them back together too quickly, which results in some of those inconsistencies you talk about. 

In the end, I have full confidence that this show will deliver in every way most of us want it too, but it may be trying for some to watch in real time.  My advice is to be patient and don't judge it too hard. It's a sweet, silly confection of a show. Let the beauty of Eda and Serkan and their shippy moments spark joy and don't think too hard about the rest.  

Anonymous said: I can't wait to see the reconciliation between eda and serkan especially since this time it will be eda's turn to confess her feelings and finally tell him I love you. How would you like this to happen? I think that the confession could not have come at a better time with the arrival of the grandmother.

Can’t wait for their reconciliation and an Eda “I Love You.”  I’ve very much of the opinion that she has already expressed that sentiment several times, and I am very sure Serkan knows how she feels, HOWEVER, I also, badly want her to say it and tell him what he means to her. The audience deserves it! I don’t have many preconceived notions about it, I just want it to feel like a big moment and I want it to be properly emotional. And then I want them to have sex. Because frankly they’re gonna explode if they don’t. 

As for grandma, I was wondering if they were going to bring her in when they were still apart, or right after they got together, or right before they were about to get back together.  It appears it’s the final option, right before they were about to get back together. It was about to happen, Eda was ready to turn the page and go to Paris with him and that would have cemented everything. Let’s hope Gran’s appearance does not derail that, and they still get back together. All I want is to see is them united and working as a team. Perhaps they’ll get back together, but keep it on the dl so they can suss out what Grandma wants.  We shall see. 

Also I want to see Serkan’s reaction to Grandma having arranged a marriage for Eda. Dude is not going to be happy! 

Anonymous said: I can't get enough of this scene when he described it all through her, every word was describing her actions and showed her why he is so sure around her. He can read her like a book like she is so naked in front of him. She can’t hide anything any more.

They sizzle! 

Anonymous said: I really like how the writers ended up reversing roles with serkan and eda. Serkan was so closed and cold in the beginning and eda was the one who tried everything to make him open up a little more to her. Now it's Serkan's turn to do everything to make Eda open up to him, trust him again and reveal his feelings (after the break-up and everything that happened it's understandable that she acts like that, she needs time).

This is really well observed! Great point.  They really did have a role reversal.  

I think some people forget how cold and punishing Serkan was in the first handful of episodes. Like go back and watch the second half of episode 3, watch how he treats her, it is HARSH.  (By the by, can we get that Serkan to make an appearance and put Balca and potentially Babaanne, in their place?) 

I love Serkan, his pain gives me pain, but it’s okay that Eda has taken a little time and has had a few stops and starts on her way back to him.  

Anonymous said: why didn't eda say anything when serkan told her i love you in french? I know that given the situation she couldn't have said it back but I expected her to at least say something.

DUUUDE, she did say something. She said that she understood what he said, then she went a bit weak in the knees, looked at him with stars in her eyes and was about a millimeter away from kissing him before coming to her senses. Then, with a huge smile and in a very flirty manner, she told him not to speak French anymore, pretty much admitting to him what his speaking French does to her heart, body, soul, mind, everything!!!!

If you’re reading that scene in any way negatively, you’re watching this show entirely wrong. Seriously, reset your perspective and get a better attitude, you’ll enjoy everything about your life more. 

Anonymous said: I saw something around here and I would like to bounce on it eda clearly has the attention to leave and no longer see serkan but she continues to act (with her scenes of jealousy) and give false hope to serkan why?

Eda is confused, the last four eps she’s been in a constant emotional tug o war. On one side is her aunt and her stubborn pride telling her that she needs to leave and start fresh. On the other side is her heart and her soul knowing that she loves him and that they are inevitable. 

It’s only been a week or so since she found out everything and Serkan is the one putting the hard press on her. He’s a big boy, he can handle the situation. He has demonstrated multiple times that he knows exactly where her heart is, she’s not giving him any false hope by having a hard time resisting him. Her jealousy is an honest reaction, even if she won’t admit it, and her succumbing to his flirting and declarations is an honest reaction.  Which is exactly what he wants, he wants to push her into recognizing and admitting her honest feelings. Besides, Eda had pretty much decided to move forward with him by the end of the last episode, which is pretty dang quick in the scheme of things. 

If you want to enjoy this show, don’t tie yourself into knots trying to pit these two lovers against one another. They’d be the first to defend the other if you did it in front of them. 

Anonymous said: Do you know if there is a new episode of SCK this coming Saturday or are they taking a break till 2021? Episode 23 just about did me in and I need the next one ASAP. I loved all of the Edser scenes! I hated all of the scenes with Blaca but am trying to stay optimistic that the writers know what they are doing. It cannot always be smooth sailing for Eda & Serkan but every time they finally start moving toward reconciliation, a problem arises that understandably (in my opinion) causes Eda to put her wall back up. I get since we never have Eda saying she loves Serkan out loud/openly that this is the show’s way of telling us that she does want to reconcile & loves him as much as he loves her but dang, an “I love you Serkan” at some point would be amazing. But like Serkan was being a total idiot about Blaca that whole episode. He focused solely on Eda being jealous which is true but kept him from seriously considering that Blaca was bad news. It was frustrating to watch even though there has to be drama to keep things interesting. Staying positive that Eda & Serkan (and hopefully Ayfer & Aydan as well) will be a United front against Grandma & Blaca in the next episode.

I believe episode 24 will air on December 26th, no new episode on January 2nd. 

All I want is for them to take on Grandma and Balca together!  Bring it, show, I know you want to. No misunderstandings, no miscommunications, just facing them together.

You’re right about Eda’s walls going up and down. The last four episodes have been all about Eda and Serkan making slow progress towards each other and then the end scene is something that resets the progress. The dinner sabotage which picked at Eda’s abandonment issues and prevented them having a heart-to-heart talk which probably would have done them a world of good. The kiss which was followed by a slap. Then Eda once again working up the emotional courage to make a move, but she shows up at his house only to find Balca there and that derails everything. Then in the last episode, Eda had decided to start fresh, go to Paris with him on the most romantic date in the world, but boom there’s Babaanne. 

She’s going to say I Love You, and it’s going to be glorious. Now when that happens is another matter. We shall see, however it wouldn’t hurt to...

[nobody-wants-ice-cream]

Everything Wrong With The Umbrella Academy. Episode 1, We Only See Each Other At Weddings and Funerals.

Some context before the cut: This is all in good fun! I wanted to do a really nitpicky re-watch of the series and found some really cool and interesting things I didn’t notice before. This is meant to have a Cinema Sins-esque tone. However, I did take off a lot more sins than Cinema Sins would have because I do genuinely like the series and the people that made it possible. So all of the good things got one sin off and all the bad things got one sin added. This is a really long post, so grab some popcorn. If there’s anything that I missed, feel free to add it!

We Only See Each Other At Weddings And Funerals

The story opens with a random scene. I know why this is important now, but for a first time viewer this is a strange Russian show with no subtitles. Sin for the fact that this opening scene could drive away audiences when they could have opened with Pogo’s monologue or the sudden birth scene. +1

Sudden birth. I know that this is what starts the whole series, but not once do these assholes discuss the implications of sudden birth. That shit is traumatic and must have induced a lot of trauma in the mothers. Sinning for trauma. +1

The russian ladies all help this poor girl. Teamwork and togetherness gets a sin off. -1

How did they get her swimsuit off enough for her to give birth without just taking the whole thing off? Did one woman happen to have a pair of scissors on her so they could cut the crotch? Because one piece suits are not that flexible downstairs. They didn’t take it off her, it’s still covering her. Sinning for lack of realism or explanation. +1

This narration should have happened much sooner. +1

Buying children. Literally buying children. And he gets seven so he buys them wholesale. Seven sins because Sir Reginald Hargreeves is a dick that bought seven children. +7

One sin off for the soundtrack now. All the songs used in this show are bops! -1

Ellen Page starts playing the Lindsey Stirling Phantom of the Opera piece on the lowest string when the piece starts on a high note. One sin for lack of musicality. +1

Minus one sin for Ellen Page’s vibrato. Not many people pretending to play the violin get that so accurate. That or this was the talented body double. Either way one sin off for musicality. -1

“Please send more food” Reginald Hargreeves is a dick to his adopted children. He didn’t feed Luther enough, so who knows what he did to the ones he didn’t like as much. +7

Also, Luther has presumably spent four years in this base on the moon. Did he hit his head every morning? You would think that he would learn to duck. +1

One sin off for the moon plant. -1

I’m taking 10 sins off for the special effects of this entire series. -10

That car transition between Diego’s and Allison’s entrances was out of place. I know it’s meant to show that Allison is far away from the action. But did we really need that? It’s not shown when transitioning from the red carpet to Klaus in rehab. +1

What is keeping the lawnchair that Luther has on the moon down? It looks lightweight. Does he have it nailed to the moon? Is there now a lawnchair on the moon forever? +1

Tom Hopper is an excellent actor. He nailed the “just got the news that my father is dead” without saying a single word. -1

Diego doesn’t bother to untie the family he saves. He caused property damage and severely injured the thugs that broke in. No wonder Patch has a problem with him being a vigilante. +1

“Allison, will you wear Valentino to the funeral” +1

One sin off because Robert Sheehan has already won my heart as Klaus and he hasn’t said a single word yet. And for the little jig he does when he gets the drugs. Interesting choice, but I like it. I could be biased because I’ve watched the series already, but I don’t care. One sin off for Robert Sheehan. -1

Why was Vanya allowed to be playing to this empty theatre with spotlights on her? Does she have an arrangement with maintenance? Is that why the orchestra isn’t set up? +1

One sin off for the Hargreeves mansion. The set designers did an amazing job.-1 

Creepy shrine portrait of Five is creepy and somehow manages to not look like Aidan Gallager. This could be a stylistic choice to show that Reggie didn’t care about Five, in which case, another sin for child abuse. +1 

Creepy statue of Ben is creepy. And it doesn’t look like Justin Min or Ethan Hwang. Who is this statue honoring? +1

It has been stated that Ben’s death broke up the academy. Yet, the other four assholes stuck around for one more portrait after his death? +1

Vanya doesn’t close the doors behind her when she walks into the mansion. +1

Diego’s outfit is central to introducing his character. However, it is dumb as hell and he probably stabbed himself with the knives in the harness multiple times. Especially the ones on his back. +1

Diego is a dick to Vanya at their father's funeral. I know Reggie was a jackass, but Jesus Christ, Diego. Have some tact. I know this is meant to show that Diego doesn’t have any tact, but this is such a severe line. +1

In the first shot of Reggie’s bedroom there are 6 freaking lamps. What is he, Bella Swan? And later, there are three more. +1

David Castaneda really brings Diego to life with his interaction with Luther in Reggie's bedroom. -1

I know I already took sins off for the special effects, but Pogo deserves another two off. Special Effects team, you did good. -2

“How long has it been since Five dissapered” is the most obvious bit of exposition/foreshadowing. To the point where it reads lazy. Another option would be Vanya asking “How long has it been since” and trailing off from there. Pogo knows what happened. This is a crucial reveal, let the audience wait for it a bit. +1

One sin off for Vanya being a good sister to Five. Fluffernutter sandwiches and leaving the lights on is heartwarming.  -1

Props to these child actors for being able to portray the way Reggie treats them and how that affects their emotions in the scene where they wanted to say goodnight to Reggie. -1

However, Reginald Hargreeves is a dick to his adopted children. I will keep sinning this. +7 

After Reggie shuns and ignores his children, Luther’s hand on Ben’s shoulder is a subtle way to show that Luther and Ben were sort of close, which is what an excerpt from Vanya’s book implies in the comics. Good job directors or actors for making that choice! -1

Robert Sheehan in the office scene. This is where we meet Klaus as an audience for the first time with dialogue, and he fucking nails it.  -1

��Thank God he’s not our real father so we couldn’t inherit those cold dead eyes! Ahh! Number Threee-” The delivery on that line is excellent. -1

Klaus’s dangly necklace that looks kind of like dog tags foreshadowing the real dog tags he wears later on in the show. -1

No way in hell Klaus’s skimpy outfit provided enough concealment for that massive box. In fact, in the shots we do see of his back, we should have seen the outline of the box. +1

Sir Reginald Hargreeves is as obsessed with lamps as he is with collecting children. His office is full of them! +1

“Do you think he wears that thing in the bathroom” “Like in the shower” “Yes, absolutely” Allison and Luther have some good interactions. This is where they really act like siblings making fun of another sibling. -1

A woman who told bedtime stories to her kid about her uncle on the moon forgets that said uncle has been on the moon and judges him when he doesn’t know about her divorce.+1 

“Rumor thing” Way to be specific, Luther. +1

Allison’s expression at the family meeting when she takes a sip of her drink. Emmy Raver-Lampman is what makes this character likeable. -1

Reginald Hargreeves was a dick to his children. The whole favorite spot thing? Yeah that. Golden child abuse victim. +7

Sir Reginald playing tennis with Hitler line. -1

Luther accuses his siblings of killing their father. Have some tact man, not at the funeral. This makes sense for the character and his circumstances, but I am still sinning it because Luther doesn’t think he did anything wrong. +1

I feel kind of bad for Luther after his siblings leave the room. Great acting on Tom Hopper’s part. -1

How did Allison get into the bank? +1

Luther straight up throws this man out of a building! That guy is 100% dead. And then he admonishes Five for being a killer later! +1

“Guns are for sissies, real men throw knives!” is a line that would only be spoken by a twelve year old that has never faced the judgement of people he isn’t related to. Also, Diego practiced this line in front of a mirror. +1

But that throw was badass, so... -1

Also, how did Klaus, Diego, Five, and Ben get into the bank as well? We only see Luther enter. And presumably Five teleported in. So were the rest already in there? +1

Five manages to jump faster than a bullet here, but in episode two he’s a lot slower when jumping from one side of the table to the other. You could make the argument that the table is in the way, but there was a human being and a bullet in the way here. +1

“Woah! That’s one badass stapler!” This is the first sin off because Aidan Gallagher can act, and it will not be the last. For all his grumpy 58 year old man, he also manages to shine while playing a young version of said grumpy 58 year old man. You would think that one or the other would be a little weak, but no he nails both performances. -1

But, how did Five switch the gun and the stapler? And why do we never see him do this again with more useful items like a briefcase or one of the machine guns used by the local commission hires? Can he only switch items with a similar mass? How does this power work? +1

Luther is the one that tells Ben that there's more guys in the vault to kill. Not Klaus who could have been like “a ghost said there's more guys in the vault”. What exactly did Klaus do on missions? He isn’t shown helping the hostages or fighting in any way. +1

“I didn’t sign up for this.” yeah Ben, like it’s a summer camp and not your abusive father buying you as an infant and then forcing you to kill people. +1

Kenny’s mom appearance. Also, the woman mixes leopard print leggings, a black dress, a square pattern cardigan, and a hat with stripes and a pom-pom. +1

“Can we go home now” Ethan Hwang had great delivery on that line. -1

Sir Reginald Hargreeves is a dick to his children. He forces 6 of them to kill, and then makes it seem like it’s all fun and games to the one he isolates. +7

When did they get coats and scarves? Did Reggie bring them coats and scarves while coming down to address the crowd? +1

Also, Reggie was on the roof of a different building with vanya! What did the kids do while they were waiting for him? Stand around and look pretty? Not likely, Ben was covered in blood. +1

Also, when did Ben have time to clean up? He is significantly less bloody in the scene where Reggie talks to the press. Yet his mask, uniform, and a bit of his jaw still have blood. This suggests he had time to wipe down. What kind of magic wipes are these that soak up and remove blood quickly and where can I get them? +1

The way the children wear their scarves show their personality. Luther has it done properly, Diego has his flapping around, Allison and Klaus have tied it fashionably, Five has it done well, but not as proper, and Ben has it done like Luthers. Well done costume people or actors who made that character choice. -1

The entire scene when Klaus attempts to summon Reggie from the afterlife. -4

I forgot that Klaus actually calls him Reggie in this scene. I thought it was just a fandom thing lmao. -1

How did Klaus clean up the ashes without leaving evidence on the bar? Did he vacuum it? +1

The cutesy fighting posters are a great set design choice. -1

Allison had her trauma tattoo refreshed at some point. It’s faded on Klaus, but on her it’s perfectly visible and stark. I’m sinning because they don’t show or tell why Allison might want to do this. +1

Also, that guitar Klaus was cuddling in a later scene, was just in the kitchen for some reason. Why? +1

Five and Ben are not part of the I Think We’re Alone Now dance party. I know it’s for plot, but come on! They don’t even have another dance party later to make up for this. +1

Diego and Vanya totally saw each other when Diego went to close the door between the foyer and the living area. +1

Luther and Vanya’s dance moves. No hate on either though because I dance like them if it isn’t swing or any other partnered dance +1

Diego, Klaus, and Allison’s dance moves. -1

Also, the song is heard all the way in the kitchen. There is no soundproofing in this mansion. +1

Luther punching down the airplane is funny. -1

David Castaneda doing those amazing dance moves in character. -1

Oh hello Five. Nice of you to show up and kickstart the plot into being something other than washed up superheroes are really sad and abused. +1

“Daddy!” -1

Why were Five’s powers affecting random objects? +1

Klaus is the only one with self preservation. “I vote for running” +1

“Does anyone else see little Number Five, or is that just me” is a great line because Klaus can see the dead. However, the dead don’t show up in massive portals, otherwise something like that would have happened when we see Dave in The Day That Wasn’t. +1

Five asks for an exact date and then Vanya gives him “the 24th” real specific, Vanya +1 

Five doesn’t close the fridge properly because that doesn’t matter in the apocalypse -1

“In the end I had to project my consciousness forward into a suspended quantum state version of myself that exists across every possible instance of time” “That makes no sense” “well it would if you were smarter” the mark of someone being smart is being able to explain concepts like this in layman's terms. If Five were as smart as he said he was, then he could have been able to come up with an analogy. That or the showmakers have no clue what they’re talking about and wrote a bunch of science-y bullshit to make Five sound smart. +1

Diego was ready to throw hands with Five, someone who looks thirteen and was thirteen until Five explained otherwise. +1

“Dolores kept saying the equations were off” so in other words, Five knew that his equations were off, but he still risked it. +1

But also, Five knew his equations were off, but he was so desperate to see his family that he risked it anyway. -1

Nations Gazette paper has articles that look like they’re actually about the headline. -1

“What part of the future do you not understand.” -1

Aidan Gallagher’s delivery in that scene really set the tone for his character. Impressive. -1

Five decides to dress in the full on school boy getup. Complete with the tie and the blazer when those items aren’t necessary. +1

Aidan Gallagher and Ellen Page are two kick ass actors. They play off each other surprisingly well. -1

“You mean like what happened to Ben” “Was it bad?” What happened to Ben? This remains a sin until they explain it. +1

“May the darkness within you find peace in the light” that sounds really bad. What a horrible thing to have on your statue. +1

Jordan Claire Robbins’s performance of Grace -1

Luther and Diego are so emo that they don't need umbrellas. You’re in The Umbrella Academy! This had to be a personal choice to not carry one. +1

Klaus’s face when Luther dumps out the ashes. -1

The camera cuts to Five when Diego says that Mom gave them actual names. -1

The fight between Luther and Diego is stupid. +1

Klaus and Five fight over who is going to protect who. +1

“Stop it!” “Hit him! Hit him!” -1

The detail on Ben’s statue. It shows his toe and knee have been touched many times by people who presumably miss him and love him. -1

Luther punches Ben’s statue in the crotch, which makes Klaus’s face 10x funnier once you remember that Ben was probably there too. -1 

Luther punches Ben’s statue in the crotch and beheads it, suggesting that Luther had something to do with Ben’s death. -1

Luther punches Ben’s statue in the crotch. +1

Klaus puts his cigarette out in reggie’s ashes. -1

Reggie narration +1

Reggie is a dick to his kids +7

The stupid, bright green jumpsuits +6

What is the point of this exercise? How does running up the stairs make them better heroes? +1

Young Diego either practiced “That’s not fair, Five’s cheating” or his stutter is only there when the plot calls for it. +1

Child Abuse tattoos +12

The fact that Vanya feels left out because she didn’t get a child abuse tattoo. Reggie, you fucked up these kids real bad. +2

We think that Reggie is comforting Luther after he got a child abuse tattoo, but no, he’s actually just attaching monitors to his head. +1

Reginald Hargreeves likes to watch young children sleep. +7

Vanya foreshadowing. Her monitor showing more activity then the cut to her taking one of the pills is brilliant. -1

Vanya still doesn’t close the academy door behind her when she leaves. +1

“An entire square block, 42 bedrooms 19 bathrooms” Five are you a real-estate agent now? +1

“Dad hated children too, but he had plenty of us!” Klaus would be excellent at cinema sins. Seven more for child abuse +7

What are the rules to Five’s jumps? We only really see him jump to places he can see unless he is time traveling or in the instance where he jumps to the car. Speaking of, the car had the keys in it. Reggie, are you trying to get it stolen  +1

Diego is a dick to Allison about her divorce. +1

Klaus and Diego’s interactions make me happy. -1

The Klaus theme is a wonderful piece of music. -1 

Robert Sheehan making David Castaneda laugh. -1 

We get our first glimpse of Luther’s arm here. It’s super weird and vague and only teases the reveal. This is where the ape reveal should have been for the audience and where it would have made sense. Doing the reveal in a later episode is weird. +1

Five doesn’t know how to break correctly, which contradicts “I know how to do everything” +1

Something I just noticed, Five completed the uniform not only with the tie and blazer, but with the hair gel too. +1

The towing guy chooses to sit next to Five at an empty counter. +1

Five looks so offended when Agnes refers to him as “the kid” -1

The creepy smile Five pulls in an attempt to look innocent doesn’t make Agnes scream in terror. Seriously Aidan Gallagher, what the fuck was that that was absoulutely terrifying. +1

+1

Five attempts to relate to a man that looks the age that he should be, but it ends up exceedingly awkward because Five looks 13. +1

The tow truck driver helps him out, but how was Five going to pay for his coffee? We don’t see him with money. Was he just going to jump out to the car? +1

Five never gets his cup of coffee :( +1

“Istanbul was Constantinople/ Now it’s Istanbul not Constantinople”. This whole scene is great. Five plays with them like he did in the bank scene which shows that even if he did age, he didn’t do it around people so he doesn’t have maturity. -1

Five stabs a guy with a mop and kills him. -1

Five stabs a guy in the crotch with a pencil, then uses the same pencil to stab him in the eye. In between he throws a plate at another guy. This is badass. -1

Five jumps in a way that actually does make two of the idiots shoot each other. Which means that technically, Patch was right. -1

Five kills a man with his bare hands. -1

But he stops to put his fucking tie back on. +1

And yet after all that, the goriest thing is when Five pulls the tracker out of his arm.  Props to the makeup department  and Aidan Gallagher’s acting skill for making that look so real. -1

Five should be way sweatier when he walks out of Griddys. Unless he moped that up with some napkins? What are these super absorbent napkins and where can I buy them? +1

Agnes should be far more traumatized. And definitely shouldn’t have survived that. +1

Diego is emo with the monocle. +1

Luther flashback narration. +1

Klaus, thankfully interrupts this. -1 

“Number 6 “Ben” (deceased)” -1

We can see Ben depending on if it’s Klaus or Diego talking. -1

The vigilante mask Diego wears +1

Five jumpscare in Vanya’s apartment. +1

“Rapists can climb” yes Five. Continue with the criminals that can climb. Including you. +1

This whole scene is the best ending to an episode in the entire season. -1

Aidan Gallagher and Ellen Page play off each other with subtle expressions. This acting talent is amazing. -2

“The world ends in eight days and I have no idea how to stop it” “I’ll put on a pot of coffee” roll credits. I love this ending for many reasons. It’s a total mic drop moment. -2 

Overall review:

While actively looking for nitpicky things, I got to see the first in a whole new light. Both the great parts and terrible parts stood out in a way that they didn’t when I wasn’t looking for them. Robert Sheehan, Aidan Gallagher, and Ellen Page were the stand out actors in this episode. All three contributed something significant that didn’t heavily rely on the script writers. 

The child cast also really stood out to me. All seven of them had very limited screen time (I am counting Gallagher playing a child version of his character in this assessment) and they absolutely made the best of it. Out of all of them, Ethan Hwang stood out to me because of his overall great delivery. I hope that we see him play Ben in a more in-depth way in season 2. 

Don’t get it twisted, I genuinely like this series and I think that it tells a great story. I just think it’s fun to nitpick and look deeper. After over analyzing everything else, it’s time to get back to basics. Especially because the season 2 trailer could drop any day now. 

Total: 82 sins

Sentence: Tennis with Hitler and Sir Reginald. 

[thecrowmaiden]

“Our Humanity”

There's gossip that Jon and Daisy are "more than" friends, and Jon isn't taking it well. Daisy eventually finds out why, and takes it upon herself to stop the gossip before she and Jon lose their friendship.

// Featuring: the headcanon that Daisy is a lesbian, Jon's self-loathing skewing his opinion of his asexuality, and me projecting onto the Archivist (as usual). Lots of self indulgent Daisy and Jon being friends through their trauma.

Ao3 link will be in the reblog. 4K words.

“Can you believe they’re friends?”

“Yeah, friends with benefits.”

The hushed pair of comments is spoken into battered Magnus Institute mugs, by a man and woman Daisy doesn’t know. Employees from some other department obviously, although based on their lack of self-preservation Daisy would rule out Artefact Storage. If there’s a smile in their whispers, hidden behind that cheap tea, it’s not a nice one. Still, it’s nowhere near the worst thing Daisy has heard, and if she was on her own she might have spared a quick grimace for the thought of being in that kind of relationship with their resident Archivist. On her own, she wouldn’t have felt rage.

But she’s with Jon, and it’s Jon’s reaction to the cruel, offhand remark that makes Daisy want to turn chipped ceramic into chipped teeth.

They had been walking towards the exit when they passed the gossips in the lunchroom, Daisy dragging Jon toward a night of drinks as he pretended to protest in a way that once would have pissed her off; as if he was too busy to go out for normal things—as if he didn’t want to be near normal people. Which...wasn’t actually wrong. But after the Buried, she knew better.

His arm was slung around Daisy’s waist, as much as he could reach with their difference in height and size. It helped keep him balanced mentally and physically, and Daisy didn’t mind. There was something comforting about the light weight of his arm against the small of her back, and his hand near her hip. She had even joked once, the first time he’d worked up the courage to do it, that he was so scrawny it felt like a rope. He had gone to pull away when she spoke, always so damn unsure, and she had wrestled her voice into finishing the sentiment before he could. It had even sounded casual when she did.

 “You heard me: a rope. Like the ones they tie around people to pull them to safety.

 “Like a…a lifeline?”

 “Yeah.”

Daisy had tightened her grip around his shoulders and Jon had relaxed, and that was that.

From then on that was just how they walked together—Daisy’s arm around Jon’s shoulders and Jon’s arm around her waist—keeping them both connected to something besides the hunger that clawed at them. Although they told everyone else it was so it felt less like she was ‘frog-marching him to his death’ when they went to the lunchroom or the pub or wherever else they decided to go. When she had shrugged and pointed out he knew better than anyone how that actually felt, he’d actually laughed. No one else had.

All this was to say that Jon’s physical engagement in Daisy’s dragging him from his office had been hard won, so when the snide exchange makes Jon drop his arm violently…Daisy sucks in a sharp breath that barely stops the growl she wants to voice instead.

The colour is gone from his face, leaving his cheeks ashy under his stubble and his shoulders are hunched. There’s a pinched look to his mouth like he’s sick, or about to be. Daisy can almost hear him refuting what the strangers have said as he twists the hem of his jumper in his hands. That he would never, ever. That it’s not like that. Daisy has enough sense to know it’s not personal to her (not that she would care), even if she didn’t remember Basira telling her about something similar happening between Basira and Jon once already.

In fact, Daisy would bet money his reaction would be similar even if the friend in question was Martin. Not that she’s going to dig any deeper into that mess of pining; that’s up to them to work out. Regardless, she doesn’t think Jon’s reaction has anything to do with if he’s interested. Because it’s not disgust that has him trying to strangle his own clothes; it’s something else. Something that, knowing him, is complicated.

Daisy chooses not to address it this time though, and practically lifts Jon’s feet off the ground as she propels him out the door into the wet London night.

It’s a decent walk to the pub they frequent. Far enough from the Institute that the eye they feel on the back of their necks eases off, but not so far that either of them tires before they get there. The drizzle around them makes the streetlights hazy, softens the sleepless bruises under Jon’s eyes and makes the air seem cleaner. Or that might just be the result of getting away from the Archives. Daisy lets her arm fall from Jon’s stiff shoulders as they make their way down the sidewalk, not bothering to step behind him so they take up less room; no one bumps into them anyway. Jon is too scarred, gaze too sharp, and Daisy knows her very posture still screams cop. It’s the same combination of things that gets them left alone at whatever table or booth they find in the pub.

Five minutes into the walk the wind picks up, chilling their faces and causing their breath to show against the night. The drizzle gets heavier. The dark creeps closer. Neither of them have the energy to run for shelter like the other people out are starting to do—not unless something is chasing them, anyway. So they keep trudging along and ignore the weather apart from wiping the rain from their eyes.

Jon nearly collapses onto a bench with cracked vinyl seating when they finally get indoors, facing the entrance like he always does. He’s actually shivering, and he seems brittle—more so than usual. Daisy doesn’t say anything as she drops her coat over him and goes to pick up what’s typically his first round. Her coat is from before, and while it hangs a little loose on her now it absolutely swamps Jon. A smile almost makes it to her face as she waits at the bar when she looks back to see him half-hidden under the wool.

She’s not immune to the irony that someone who looks like a poorly-rested scarecrow pulled her out of the Buried, but she remembers the strength in his hand when he led her out. It makes it easier to look after him—without the resentment that he needs taking care of at all—when she remembers that Jon isn’t quite as weak as he seems in the dim pub lighting. She still doesn’t like how hollow he looks though, and practically shoves his drink into his hands.

They stay for a while, and Jon doesn’t even attempt to keep up with Daisy. Not that he has since the first time, but she’s used to him at least knocking a few back as they talk about whatever has nothing do with what they charitably call their jobs. Instead, he nurses his first drink in silence as they sit there under a crackling yellow bulb, shying away from her touch that he usually leans into with a sort of desperation. Most nights saw him ducking under the protective curve of her arm at a drunkard’s shout the way she ducks into his office, but tonight Jon flinches away from her.

It makes him seem hunted.

Daisy doesn’t like it.

His standoffish behaviour lasts a week—a week of avoidance and stammers and Jon practically oozing into the floor to avoid her. When Monday rolls around and the world inside and outside the Archives remains uneventful though, the pressure seems to lift and Daisy almost jumps when Jon drops down in front of her with a brush in one hand and a statement in the other. She puts his hair up for him as he reads, tying off his bun with one of the several elastics on his wrist, and when the tape recorder clicks off he gives her a smile that looks relieved.

Just like that, they’re back to whatever they call normal. Scarred hands holding scarred hands so they don’t get separated while taking the Tube, his shoulder digging into her ribcage when she leans over him at his desk to ask what he’s reading this time. Occasional and venomless arguments over their jobs, Jon struggling to help Daisy with her physical therapy without ending up in need of it himself. A handful of silent faces made at each other over an episode of The Archers. They’re not soft together, but whatever they’re doing works.

(Basira had once said they looked like siblings taking the piss out of each other. Daisy thinks that’s about as good an explanation as any.)

The next week is a quiet one in a bad way. Recordings are broken by nothing but a stillness that chokes down the dungeon-like hallways and makes any conversation seem loud. Jon has one of his worrying episodes over Martin and gets even more brittle, the exhaustion in his face sliding towards despair. More often than not Daisy walks into his office to find him slumped over his desk, shoulder blades dimpling a rumpled shirt that might have been nice before he wore it four days running. He doesn’t seem to register her entry until she speaks to him, and even then it’s like he doesn’t quite see her past the big picture trying to squash him flat.

When she finds him unable to actually speak on Saturday, his mouth cracked and dry and his eyes bloodshot, Daisy hauls him to his feet with one hand around his bicep and steers him toward the lunchroom. She’s no homebody but she can make a cup of tea, and that’ll have to do until she can drag Jon down to the pub. She needs to get him out of the Institute. There’s a fizzle of something in her chest as she leads him down the hall, knowing that even as weak as she is without the Hunt she’s still stronger than him. At least it means she can bully him into taking a break.

And a tea break seems like a good plan—

—right up until another whisper lances around the corner.

“I can’t believe they’re still going at it.” The voice is followed by the repetitive clink of a spoon against a mug. “You’d think she would have broken him their first time.”

“Maybe that’s why he looks like he hasn’t slept,” another voice titters, “must be tiring trying to keep up.”

“His desk must be tired too.”

Daisy feels like once upon a time, Jon may have stammered his innocence against such comments. But Jon doesn’t speak to people outside the Archives much anymore, generally tries to pretend he doesn’t exist even there. So he just goes still, his feet rooting him in place as his chest starts to rise and fall with the air he does need to breathe, wild eyes staring towards the lunchroom as if it suddenly has too many doors.

Her hand tightens on his arm in her usual display of reassurance, but Jon jerks away with a violence he hadn’t even displayed when she put a knife to his throat. Daisy is so shocked that she lets him break away and turn on his heel, watching him stagger back to his office with the disquiet in her chest stirring again. It takes a moment to stamp down the urge to confront whoever has derailed her plans, and she follows after Jon with the intent of ignoring his reaction until she can get him somewhere far away from prying eyes and flapping mouths. Whatever is going on, Peter Lukas doesn’t need to know.

But that intent goes straight out the window when Daisy finds his office locked.

Fear spikes through her veins when the doorknob doesn’t move under her hand and for one horrible moment the rushing in her ears sounds like rain. Pressure builds in the air and starts to creep over her skin oh so slowly, like a gentle embrace drawing her in. She closes her eyes, ignores it, ignores the smell of dirt, and squeezes. Gun calluses tighten over the worn brass to the point where it ought to hurt, and with a grunt Daisy twists hard. The cheap internal lock snaps in her grip and she opens the door just enough to slide through, her fingers still strangling the knob until she makes the concentrated effort to let go.

Inside, Jon is sitting with his mouth hanging open in a vague sort of shock as he stares. He’s still hunched over his desk, head in his hands, but he’s looking up at her with an expression that has surprise and guilt mixed in equal parts with something else she can’t place. Daisy ignores him to take a couple deep breaths, before she shuts the door behind her and jams a chair under the knob. It’s not the barricade she would like, but it’ll slow down anyone human trying to get in. Not that she thinks any of them would risk it.

Jon’s eyebrows shoot up briefly at her impromptu lock, before they settle back into the lines that seem permanently carved into his forehead. It’s not a really a frown, just the farthest thing from relaxed. It’s like Jon doesn’t remember how to experience an emotion that doesn’t hurt him anymore—and Daisy has to bite down the urge to be mad at him for it. Her anger isn’t for him, even if he did try to shut her out.

“Daisy, I-I’m sorry.”

She blinks at his strained voice, and her anger ebbs lower. Whatever she had meant to say gets misplaced for the moment, so she wordlessly grabs the chair not holding the door closed instead. Jon winces as she drags it across the floor to his desk with a drawn-out scrape, and she drops heavily down into it so she can fold her arms on the back and look Jon in the eye. They stare at each other for a minute, Jon ashamed and Daisy contemplative. He looks away first.

“Why?” She asks finally, voice even.

“For locking you out. I shouldn’t, I shouldn’t have done that. I know how you feel about being alone—”

Daisy holds up one hand to cut him off, and it’s a testament to how far they’ve come when he simply stops and doesn’t snap his jaw shut with fear. He just watches her, waiting. She appreciates the apology, she does, but there’s only so much talking she can usually get out of Jon before he gets overwhelmed or sidetracked. Or they get interrupted by something nasty. So Daisy barrels ahead, because as far as she’s concerned there are more important things to discuss.

“Why are you so upset that people think we’re screwing around?”

A noise better suited to something being submerged in a bathtub escapes Jon and his glasses slide farther down his nose. It honestly sounds like a cross between an empty kettle and a squeaky toy. He makes a couple more random sounds that aren’t even close to words, gesturing at her with a jerky wave that might be a question mark.

“That’s not an answer. So let’s try again: why are you so upset that people think we’re screwing around?”

“B-because I’m, I don’t, I m-mean we’re not.” Jon finally manages to find his voice as he drags his hands through his streaky hair, his stammering ramping up. “I’m n-not interested in you like, l-like that!”

“Neither am I. Still doesn’t explain why you’re having a fit.”

“Because I’m not interested in anyone like that! And I don’t like people thinking I am!”

Jon throws his hands in the air but drops them quickly as his shout echoes. He knots his fingers together, squeezing them until his knuckles start to lose colour—like he’s trying to keep them attached to his body. His own raised voice seems to have actually shocked him. His eyes dance around the office, skittering over Daisy’s face like he’s afraid what he’ll see. A couple grey hairs are snarled around his shaking fingers, pulled loose from his outburst, his messy bun completely undone.

Regardless of all the times she’s brushed it out for him, Daisy is surprised once again by how long Jon’s hair really is. She watches his bangs mask the expression too mixed to be readable and she briefly wonders why he doesn’t leave it down to hide behind more often. It certainly makes him look less transparent.

A floorboard creaks when Daisy shifts. There’s silence unbroken by even the low crinkle of tapes as she really studies Jon. The dull green of his jumper matches half of the book covers stacked on the shelf at his back: like it’s just one more way his work is trying to consume him. All his limbs are tensed. His glasses are smudged so badly she doubts he can see through them, and she reaches out to tug them off his nose to wipe them carefully on her sleeve. His face goes rapidly mottled with a bad combination of what’s probably embarrassment mixed with apprehension, and things finally click.

“So…no one?” She asks.

“Yes.”

“Does anyone…?”

“Georgie knows, of course. I-I-I think Melanie? Maybe Basira.”

“Mm. Why does it bother you so much?”

“Why not?” The animation visibly burns out of Jon, the fear and anxiety draining away to leave a tired man crumpled at a desk for a job that might kill him and has already tried. He props his head on one hand as he meets Daisy’s eyes finally. It’s so damn hard to remember how powerful he still is under it all, when he’s like this. “I don’t want M—I don’t want people to misconstrue how I am. And it feels violating, to have people assume I do those kinds of things when I never have and never want to. But if I tell them that?”

Jon’s mouth twists, and his lips thin into the horrible knife-edge smile he saves for when he really feels like The Archivist. “It’ll just be one more thing that makes me less human to them.”

It takes every ounce of Daisy’s will not to snap right there.

With all they've gone through, with all they are, how dare the world make him feel broken because of that. How dare it. She barely swallows the need to slam her hands down on the desk and loudly express how incredibly not okay any of that is. Her nails, less ragged now that she and Jon are on each other’s cases about their habit of biting them, dig into her palms to keep them still. Because as justified as she thinks her feelings are, lashing out will only harm Jon. No matter how strange it is to say after everything that happened in the beginning, Jon is her friend. She isn’t going to hurt him with fear. Not if she can help it.

Forcing a long, hard exhale through her nose, Daisy manages to resist the urge to take action. Breathe in for five, hold, and breathe out. Repeat. Rage still pounds behind her eyes, but she shoves it down to a place where it can stew into something approaching helpful action before she speaks.

“Out of everything you’ve done or can do, that doesn’t even make the list of what makes you less human. No arguments.” Daisy holds up her hand again when Jon opens his mouth to disagree, fixing him with her best I-am-still-armed-don’t-fuck-with-me look. “I mean it. Don’t even try.”

But Jon, being Jon, tries anyway.

“You can’t honestly believe people will just, just drink their tea and ignore that kind of thing. They can’t even comprehend a man and woman being friends much less...that.”

“So ignore them instead.”

“Hm. That’s easy for you to say.”

Daisy bites her tongue before she says something she doesn’t actually want to say, reminding herself that her anger is not directed at him. Because in a way, he’s right. In a way, the gossips in the lunchroom are just another potential threat to Jonathan Sims, and there’s no way he can fully ignore that. It’s kind of his thing, after all. Even if those employees don’t physically harm him, Elias or Lukas might do something to them for being a nuisance and that would just cripple Jon with additional guilt.

She sighs at the realization, deflating a bit like he had earlier, and Jon musters up a wry smile for her as they face each other from their respective slumped postures.

“Well, screw them,” Daisy says at last, “and not like that.”

The addition is for Jon’s benefit when he makes a face, and she’s rewarded by another of his attempts at a smile. When she stands and offers him her hand, he actually takes it; and the two of them wordlessly grab their coats. They don’t go anywhere particular that night. Just wherever their feet take them around London until Daisy walks him to his station, and gives him a rough squeeze of the shoulder as he heads into the carriage and off to the flat she sometimes wonders why he still has.

A cool breeze ruffles Daisy’s collar as she pointedly avoids going back to the Institute, wandering the streets as she picks at her earlier rage to see if there’s an idea hidden within it. Something to keep her and Jon’s friendship established as just that. Something to make it clear that no matter how many times they walked somewhere almost connected at the hip, their nearby body parts were very much uninvolved with each other. It's no one's business, but...

Someone laughs loudly nearby, and a group of teenagers tumble out of a small shop, giggling and laughing as they jostle each other while attaching their purchases to backpacks and coats and hats. They’re dressed in a variety of fashions and are loud with nothing but happiness, so Daisy internally writes them off as harmless and moves to avoid getting clipped by any over-excited waving arms. But in stepping aside to let them pass, Daisy gets a good look at one of the badges a boy is pinning to his friend’s shirt.

It’s a rainbow flag.

Hm.

With a quick pivot, she walks towards the shop the teens exited and pushes the door open. It’s a small bookstore, the kind that might be described as ‘quirky’ and sells everything from tarot cards to knickknacks to actual books. A small display near the back counter features more rainbows, and Daisy squeezes through the cramped aisles to get to it. Most of the items at eye-level display the typical pattern of colours that runs red-through-purple, most with an extra black and brown bar at the top.

But some are different colours and some are only four stripes, and some are three, and soon Daisy is half-crouched as she reads labels and info cards attached to the various pieces of merchandise that fill the case. After about half an hour of deciding (and one nervous comment from a staff member that they were closing soon), Daisy makes her purchase. The little paper bag that smells of some sort of incense crinkles in her hand as she walks home, her strides not as strong as they were before the coffin but stronger than they’ve been all day.

She has a plan.

So the next morning she sails into the Institute with purpose, bare arms swinging with her usual quiet confidence as she times her entrance to when the majority of the staff haven’t wandered off to their posts yet. They’re all practiced at not actually looking at the misfits that make up the Archive team, and Daisy makes her way through without much notice. When she finds Jon trying to make himself small as he edges past the others toward the stairs, she throws an arm around him with a flash of her teeth—just enough to catch him off guard. And his loud, breathy little noise of shock when it does draws more than a few looks.

Which is exactly what Daisy wants.

Because as she stands there grinning, with Jon tucked against her new tank top emblazoned with the lesbian pride flag, the entire foyer stutters to a complete and grinding halt.

Melanie is the first to break the silence, letting loose an overdramatic wolf-whistle. Basira sighs next, fondly rolling her eyes, and Martin looks…relieved. The other staff look like they’re having regrets. A lot of them.

Daisy is fucking delighted.

Outing Jon without his consent was never an option, but outing herself to shut folks up? Daisy can’t think of anything that’s less of an issue to her. It isn’t like she ever made a big secret of it, anyway.

From where he’s pressed into her side, she can feel Jon start to shake. When she glances over to see him biting his lip hard as a smile threatens to overtake his usually tired features, she pushes him towards the Archives and out of sight. She only manages to get him halfway down the stairs before he actually starts laughing, a spluttering little chuckle that echoes in the hallway and makes Daisy smile in return.

Because she really doubts the Fears are homophobic after all, so it’s not like they’re going to get any worse. And normal people just don’t scare her. In fact, they seem rather scared of her instead. She didn’t even have to pull a weapon on them either, unless you counted her arms. She shares that last thought with Jon, waiting until he almost has his amusement in check, just to watch his control slip and a new round of laughter bubble up.

There are no more whispers in the lunchroom, and Jon’s arm is back around Daisy’s waist where it belongs when they go out. A couple employees find themselves on the receiving end of pointed letters about human rights and workplace tolerance from Peter Lukas’ assistant, and Daisy takes to randomly wearing her new tank top simply because she likes it. She even goes back to the odd little shop to buy a couple spares when she finds out how comfortable they are for doing her PT.

For Jon, she buys the smallest lapel pin she can find. It’s coloured with what the clerk had said was the ‘ace pride’ flag, shaped like a book and declaring ‘I’d rather be reading’ in silver font across the front. Jon’s hand closes over it with a smile more honest than he usually musters up when she gives it to him, and his thanks is in a voice that’s soft.

He never wears it, as Daisy expected, and he never even takes it out of its packaging. Instead he puts it in an empty tea tin from the lunchroom—hiding it along with a post-it note from Martin that Daisy pointedly doesn’t mention—and tucks it into his desk drawer between a jar of suspicious ashes and a single human rib. It sits there with the grisly souvenirs of Jon’s life, and sometimes Daisy sees him open the drawer to smile at it.

A little bit of normal in the middle of everything that isn’t.

Just like him.

[theycallmebeccawrites]

Chris & Ellie Series: Episode 21

Greetings all! I hope you guys are having a good day and if not, I hope it gets better for you. Today is a bittersweet day for me. I gave Ellie July 17th as her birthday in honor of my grandma, who passed away in 2016, a couple days after I started writing the Chris and Ellie series. My grandma would have been 92 today. ❤

My grandma always encouraged me to do what I love and I love to write, so I do. And I love sharing what I’ve written with you guys. So thank you for allowing me to share this little world I have created with all of you guys. And thank you all for reading.

xo Becca xo

Pairing: Chris Evans x Ellie Spencer (OFC)

Rating: PG-13

Warnings: language

Episode Summary: The lead up to Ellie's birthday and the surprise that Scott has planned for her.

Disclaimer: This work of fiction is not to be reposted, used or translated without my permission.

This episode can also be read on AO3.

The Chris and Ellie series is primarily chronological. It begins with a flash forward to 2016 and has a few other scenes in the future. However, the majority of their story is told in chronological order starting in 2013 and going through 2017. Each episode starts with a date to help you place it within the story.

The Chris & Ellie Series Masterlist | Chris & Ellie Masterlist

Episode 20.5

Episode 21: Birthday Confessions

July 2014

Music flowed through the speakers as Ellie merged off the freeway and onto the exit for LAX.

"I don't have to go, you know," Scott said as he looked over at her.

"Yes, you do," Ellie replied, glancing at him. "You're in a wedding and your family has been looking forward to seeing you."

"I just don't like the idea of you all alone," Scott admitted. He knew she had come a long way in the weeks since she'd started opening up about what had happened between her and Chris, but he hated leaving her there alone.

"I'll be fine," Ellie assured him with more confidence than she actually felt. She hadn't been by herself in the house since December and that felt like a lifetime ago. If she was being honest with herself, she'd never really liked being in the big house when it was empty, but now it was filled with memories she didn't want to revisit.

"Thanks for driving me," Scott said as Ellie navigated the departures drop off area.

"It was the only way for me to ensure you'd get on the plane," Ellie replied in a joking manner as she pulled over in front of the designated area for the airline he was flying.

Scott gave a mumbled 'ha' before he leaned over and gave her a hug and a peck on the cheek. Then he got out of the car and went back to the trunk to get his suitcase. He gave her another wave before he disappeared into the steady stream of people going into the airport.

Not ready to go home yet, Ellie ran a few errands before she made her way back to Chris's house. She parked her car in the garage and then made her way inside.

With no desire to hang out in the big house, she quickly made her way through the kitchen and out the backdoor. Using the patio off the kitchen and the steps down to the pool deck took longer than going out the door through the basement, but she didn't like going down to that room if she didn't have to.

Once inside the guesthouse, Ellie let Daisy out of her kennel and then sat down on her bed to check her email. She'd finished editing a book a couple weeks ago for a new author and was waiting for her next assignment. Instead of finding a new manuscript to read, she found an email saying that one of her main authors would have one ready for her soon, so they were keeping her schedule open.

After replying to the email, Ellie closed her laptop and leaned back against the pillows on her bed with a sigh. She had been hoping to distract herself with a new manuscript while Scott was gone, but now that wasn't an option. She'd already picked up a few extra shifts at the bookstore, helping people who wanted to take days off, but picking up seemed better than staying at Chris's more than necessary.

Picking up her phone, she sent a couple texts, seeing if anyone wanted to hang out that night. Unfortunately, no one was available, but she was able to make plans for other nights during the week when she wasn't working. Including accepting a couple invitations for the Fourth of July.

Thus, the first week Scott was gone went by in a breeze. She worked on the second and went to a movie with some friends after work on the third. Then she spent the morning of the fourth with her cousin and the late afternoon and evening with Pierre and some of his friends. She picked up another shift on Saturday and then spent Sunday with her cousin's family, not wanting to spend the whole day alone at Chris's house.

"You've had a busy week," Pierre reflected after she'd told him all about it during dinner at his condo during the second week. In fact, he'd already known how busy she was keeping herself, thanks to a group chat he'd found himself part of with her sisters, cousin and Scott. He wasn't convinced it was a good idea to have such a chat, but it made the others feel better.

"It feels good to be busy," Ellie said with a shrug before muttering, "Better than staying alone in the house, anyway."

Whether or not she wanted him to hear the last part, he had, and he realized her sisters were right to raise concern over her sudden shift in personality. Ellie, they had explained to him, was a homebody by nature. A trait she'd shared with Chris, Scott had told him privately.

"What's wrong with staying at home?" he asked, cautiously.

Ellie sighed and shoved her food around on her plate before looking up. "Other than that it's Chris's house and I'm just a house guest?" she asked.

She sounded snarky, but he sensed that she was trying to mask her true feelings. Instead of prying, he waited her out. They'd been friends for nearly two months and he'd learned quickly that she liked to process her thoughts before she could speak them aloud.

"It's the memories," she finally admitted. "There's nowhere in the house that I can go that doesn't have a million memories flooding back to my brain of happier times. Not even the guesthouse is memory free, but there, with my things, I can push him out. That isn't possible in the rest of the house though. He's fucking everywhere."

Pierre nodded consolingly. He'd been through many a breakup, but only one that had left him in a house full of memories. Of course, he'd had to suffer through the rest of his lease before he'd been able to move. But moving to this condo had been a fresh start.

"And I'm crying again," she said in an exasperated tone as she brushed away the tears. "I told myself that I'd cried enough over this whole situation." 

Pierre stood up and grabbed a box of tissues off the kitchen counter and brought them back to the table. Instead of sitting back down across from her, he took the seat next to her. He handed her a tissue and she gave him a weak smile before blotting the tears.

"Obviously, I don't know your financial situation or what your agreement is with Scott's mom regarding room and board, but have you thought about moving out?" he asked Ellie.

Ellie shook her head. "I hadn't gotten that far yet," she admitted. "Chris is gone for another few months and technically, living there when he isn't there is what I'm paid to do."

"Think about it," Pierre encouraged her. "It might be the next step you have to take."

The idea of finding her own place stayed at the forefront of Ellie's mind in the days that followed, but it wasn't until a night where she had nothing to do but sit in the guesthouse that she did anything about it. She went back to the links she'd found in her early days of living in the Los Angeles area and looked for availabilities within her price range. There were a few of them, but none in areas that she'd feel comfortable living by herself in.

Unlike the last time she'd been hunting for an apartment, she wasn't tied down to a specific part of town because of a job. Nor was she as strapped for cash as she had been. Thanks to the added income of editing manuscripts and not having to pay rent, she had managed to pay down a lot of her debt with the money that Chris's mom had paid her.

Despite having a wider area to search for a place to live, Ellie found herself struggling to find anything less than $1,000 a month that allowed dogs. Frustrated, she closed her laptop and leaned back against the headboard of the bed. Which only served to remind her that in addition to finding a place to live, she'd have to buy furniture as well as she didn't have any.

"We'll find a place, Daisy," she said, scratching her dog's head. "I don't know where yet, but we'll find a place."

By the time Scott returned from the east coast, a few days later, she'd sent off applications for a couple of apartments an hour or so away, but both had come back saying she'd been added to a waiting list for an apartment. She considered telling Scott that she was thinking about moving out but decided against it. She knew he was still worried about her with everything that had happened and she didn't want to worry him more than she had to.

"You're a doll for picking me up," Scott said once he was in the car and she had merged into the traffic leaving LAX.

"Gave me an excuse to get out of the house," Ellie replied before mentally kicking herself. "Daisy and I spent yesterday lounging by the pool."

Scott lowered his sunglasses and raised his eyebrows. "Under an umbrella?" he asked, seeing that her skin, while glowing, was still barely tan.

"And wearing lots of SPF," she replied with a laugh. "How was Massachusetts and the wedding?"

"The wedding was beautiful," Scott stated before going into a full rundown of the wedding. Followed by an elaborate explanation of his family's Fourth of July party and what he had done with his family while he'd been home.

"Sounds like you had a blast," Ellie said with a smile.

"Oh, I did, but it's nice to come home to some quiet," he replied and then smiled. "But don't worry. It won't be too quiet, after all, we both know what's happening on Thursday."

"I know my birthday is on Thursday," Ellie said, cautiously as she glanced at him. He wore a big smile on his face. "Scott Evans, what have you done?"

"You'll just have to wait and see," he replied, then mimed zipping his lips closed, locking them and throwing away the key.

He remained annoyingly tight lipped over the next few days, which put her slightly on edge because she had no idea what he had up his sleeve. She knew the two of them had two very different types of fun; she liked to stay home and play games while he liked to go out and dance.

Thursday morning, Ellie came up to the big house to find a cinnamon roll in a pastry box for her on the kitchen counter along with a note from Scott.

Izzy told me that you guys always had cinnamon rolls for breakfast whenever someone in the family had a birthday when you were growing up. I didn't make it (that would have been a disaster) but enjoy!

She cut the large cinnamon roll in half and ate half of it, then took the other half back to the guesthouse with her, to take to work. Once Daisy was settled in her kennel, Ellie grabbed her stuff and left for work.

The sense of relief that came over her as she drove away from the house was only more confirmation that it was time for her to move out.

Later, during her lunch break, she looked for apartments again and, after failing to find much in the Los Angeles area, decided to try looking in Oregon. She hated the idea of leaving LA and her friends, but the truth was she could live anywhere and still do her editing. 

————— 

“She’s coming!” Scott called as he ran down the stairs. "Everyone get away from the window!"

He heard her sisters scrambling into spots that couldn't be seen from the window as he made his way to the main floor. Hearing the garage door opening, he made his way down the hall to the kitchen and was waiting there when Ellie came into the house.

"Hey there, birthday girl!" he greeted her with a big grin. "I noticed you didn't leave me a piece of the cinnamon roll."

"You're damn right I didn't," Ellie replied with a tired smile.

"Before you go to your room, can you come look at something in the living room for me?" he asked.

"I have a call with my sisters in like ten minutes," she told him, glancing at the clock on the stove.

"It'll be fast, promise," Scott insisted. "Like a minute tops."

Sighing, Ellie put her stuff down on the counter and then followed him down the hall to the living room. "So what am I -" she started to ask, but shut her mouth when she saw her sisters sitting casually in the room.

She stared in disbelief as tears began to well up in her eyes. She felt Scott nudge her from behind, encouraging her to go to her sisters.

"Happy Birthday, El," Izzy said, reaching her first. She wrapped her around Ellie and hugged her tight.

"I'm happy you guys are here," Ellie said, through her tears. "But what are you doing here?"

"You didn't think we were going to make you celebrate all by yourself, did you?" her youngest sister, Riley, asked with a grin as she gave Ellie a hug. "We were here last year, too. This year we just brought Sydney with us."

"I'm here to make sure those two don't get too wild," Sydney said, jokingly as she gave Ellie a hug. "And to make sure we do things you like to do for your birthday weekend."

"Birthday weekend?" Ellie repeated. Then she saw Scott lingering in the doorway. "This is what you've been planning all week, isn't it?"

"Part of it anyway," Scott replied with a grin. "I'll let them tell you the rest."

"You're the best," Ellie told him. She reached her hand out to him and he took it, squeezing it. "What is the rest?"

"Our gift to you is a weekend getaway at a beach house about an hour from here," Sydney told her. "The five of us and Pierre, but he'll be coming tomorrow after work."

"When are we going?" Ellie asked.

"As soon as you can pack a bag," Izzy told her. 

"What about Daisy?" Ellie asked, only then spotting her dog curled up in her favorite chair in the corner.

"She's coming with us," Scott replied. "I've already packed her stuff."

"Thanks," Ellie said, smiling at him. "What do I need to bring?"

"I'll h-" Izzy and Riley started, but Sydney stepped forward and took Ellie's hand before saying, "I'll help you pack."

"Thank you," Ellie muttered under her breath as she and Sydney made their way to the guest house.

Twenty minutes later, she and Sydney came back into the main house, locking doors as they passed them. They followed the voices out to the garage and found Scott and Izzy loading things into his car while Riley played with Daisy.

"Isn't someone driving with Scott?" Ellie asked as Izzy took her bag and put it in the backseat.

"Daisy is going to be my copilot," Scott told her

"Are you sure?" Ellie asked him. "I can ride with you."

"Nah, you ride with your sisters, Daisy and I will be fine," Scott assured her. "Besides, she doesn't try to change the music like some people I know." He gave her a pointed look.

"I would be offended except you do the same thing to me when I'm driving you," Ellie retorted before maturely sticking her tongue out at him.

"Very mature for a 29-year-old," Scott commented.

"Let's get on the road, shall we?" Sydney interrupted in a mom tone.

"You guys head out, I'll do a quick check around the house to lock it up and then Daisy and I will follow," Scott offered.

"Shotgun!" Riley shouted out.

"It's Ellie's birthday, Riles," Izzy said, shaking her head. "The birthday person always gets the front seat."

"Fine," Riley sighed. "Let's go."

Thanks to traffic, the drive took longer than an hour, but Ellie didn't mind. It had been a long time since she'd gone anywhere with just her sisters and it was just like old times. Telling stories, laughing, and talking over each other as Sydney drove.

The beach house was down the street from the beach, rather than oceanfront, but they could see the ocean from the balcony off the largest of the three bedrooms. The house had a Mediterranean feel to it in its design and decor. The first floor had the smaller of the three bedrooms rooms, a half bath and an open concept living, dining and kitchen. The second floor had a full bathroom and two bedrooms, the largest of the two having two queen sized beds in it. The best part of the house, though, was the backyard that looked like it belonged in Italy instead of Southern California.

By the time Scott got to the house with Daisy, the sisters had unloaded the few things that had been in the trunk of Ellie's car and had ordered takeout from a nearby restaurant. They helped him unload his car, putting their luggage in the bedroom with the two queen sized beds, leaving the other two rooms for Scott and Pierre.

Then they all headed outside to relax on the back porch while they waited for their dinner to be delivered. Sydney poured everyone drinks, except for herself, a fact that her sisters quickly noticed.

"Are you pregnant?!" Riley demanded.

The corner of Sydney's mouth twitched, but she nodded. "I didn't want to say anything tonight, because it's Ellie's birthday, but -"

"Shut up," Ellie said laughing as she gave her sister a hug. "It's the best birthday present you could give me!"

Hearing the doorbell ring, Scott went to answer it, leaving the sisters to celebrate. Knowing the sisters had already paid for the meal, he gave the delivery person a cash tip, thanked them and closed the door.

As he carried the food back to the girls, he paused when he heard Ellie say: "I have some news myself."

Given what her sister had just announced, he froze, his mind instantly going to the idea that she might be pregnant with Chris's baby.

"Relax, I'm not pregnant," Ellie said with a nervous laugh.

"Fucking hell, Ellie," Izzy said in a relieved tone that matched how Scott was feeling. "Don't scare us like that."

"What's your news, Ellie?" Sydney asked, drawing everyone's attention back to Ellie.

"I'm going to move out of Chris's house," Ellie announced. "I don't feel comfortable there anymore. In fact, I hate being there by myself."

Scott could tell that she was holding something back and so could her sisters, because Riley called her out on it.

"What aren't you telling us?" Riley asked.

"I'm having a hard time finding a place here that I can afford," Ellie replied, her voice trailing off. "So I might be moving home. Want a roommate, Riles?"

Scott felt his stomach drop. He didn't want Ellie to go back to Oregon.

"I thought you were saving money," Sydney said, snapping into the protective older sister/mothering older sister mode.

Scott smirked. Her sisters had this.

"I paid off a lot of things," Ellie replied. "And I have some savings, but…"

Scott heard her sigh.

"After everything with Chris went downhill, I haven't felt right accepting the money that Lisa has been paying me," she confessed to her sisters. "I've been donating my paychecks to a non-profit organization that provides books to underprivileged kids in the LA area. It seemed fitting since she and I met at the bookstore."

"Oh Ellie," Sydney said, the tone not one of scolding but of compassion.

Backing up, Scott decided to put dinner on the dining room table and get dishes out so they could serve themselves in the house. Allowing the sisters and himself time to process Ellie's confession. All of them.

He hated the idea of her moving period, but especially the idea of her moving to another state. The paycheck donation was a whole different situation, one that he wasn't fully capable of processing just yet. Obviously, there was guilt on Ellie's part, but for what? Taking advantage of his mom's trust by boinking Chris? His mom liked Ellie and she would have loved holding the fact that she'd picked Chris's wife over his head.

Scott shook his head and sighed. Hearing footsteps, he looked up and saw Riley in the doorway. "I was just going to call you guys in," he told her, gesturing to the food that he'd laid out.

"Awesome, I'll get the others," Riley replied before disappearing outside again.

One thing he knew for sure was that if his mom ever found out that Ellie had donated her paychecks because Chris was a dumbass, Scott would pay top dollar to witness that confrontation.

He was still smirking to himself when the sisters filed in. He let them go first and then dished himself a plate of food.

No one said a word about Ellie's possible move until they were all seated at the table outside.

"For the record, I think you moving back to Oregon is a bad idea," Riley stated, looking at her older sister. "I've never seen you run away from your problems in my entire life. Never mind the fact that everyone will wonder why you left California. And you know how our family talks, it will be all over town within five days of you stepping foot on mom and dad's farm. We won't talk, but you know how they are, they'll figure it out. They always do."

Scott picked up his drink and took a sip, hiding his smile. Ellie was stubborn, but her sisters wouldn't let her do anything stupid. And neither would he. He was going to do everything in his power to get her to stay in LA.

Episode 21.5

Want to find me off tumblr? I'm @beccatheycallme on twitter. I also post my stories on AO3.

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[gallavictorious]

I loved Gallavich in 10x08 but struggled quite a bit with them in 10x09 and 10x10 (even if I personally loved the brawl proposal), partly because Mickey's behaviour in regards to Byron makes me cringe so hard, and partly because we don't get a proper explanation for how Ian goes from ”how do you know you love me” to ”and if you let me...  “ and this bugs me.

However, never let it be said that I'm not ready to do whatever interpretative work needs to be done  for my favourite couple to make sense, so here it is:

How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Episodes.

(Disclaimer: I'm just now watching season 10 in its entirerty and you guys have been at this for a while. If you've heard it all before, please be patient with a newbie who just really needs to sort through her thoughts and emotions.)

Now, I know that many fans would have preferred Byron to actually like Mickey, and I've seen pre-episode 10x10 takes where people theorized that Byron, rather than list all the ways Mickey sucks would list all the way he soars, thus leading to an eavesdropping Ian's realization that he needs to be with Mickey forever. And while that would have been very sweet in its own way – I am myself very much here for more people appreciating Mickey – I think it would ultimately have been far less realistic, for two reasons: 1, Mickey was never going to treat Byron well, and 2, Ian's reservations about getting married were never rooted in a lack of love for Mickey.

Mickey's cringe-worthy treatment of Byron stems from him trying to perform two different roles at the same time: he strives to be demonstratively affectionate whenever they're in front of Ian, but this reads as fundamentally false becuase this is not how Mickey normally shows affection. But Mickey's usual mode of loving communication is both far less overt than this, and thus less fit for the purpose, but also something he would never allow Byron to experience, because Mickey being loving is largely tied to Mickey allowing himself to be vulnerable, to be open and himself, and since Byron is not someone he trusts, or even respects, that's never going to happen. I'd argue that Mickey chooses Byron exactly because he perceives Byron as ”weak” and so someone he can use for his own means without Byron putting up a fight about it - but at the same time, associating with this ”weakness” actualizes all of Mickey's internalized ideas about strenght, manliness, South Side, etc, which leads him to revert back to his extra special thuggish behaviour in order to continually establish dominance and distance himself from the more effeminate homosexuality Byron represents. So, he treats Byron rather nastily, while at the same time employing conventional means of demonstrating affection whenever Ian's around, which serves both as a means to show oh god, how very very much in love with Byron he is, and as a means to always maintain a distance from Byron himself. Which is actually very realistic, given what we know of Mickey, but makes for a whiplash watching experience, and yes. Cringe.

And I'm pretty sure Mickey isn't even trying to fool Ian here: he doesn't expect Ian to believe that he has suddenly fallen in love with someone else. (So again, the unconvincing declarations of love on Mickey’s part serves a purpose here; they’re unconvincing on purpose, if maybe not alway consciously so.) This is an act calculated to provoke a response, becaue he needs Ian to prove something to him, to fight for him. (This bit, about Mickey needing a grand gesture rather than words have been discussed by many others in more articulate ways, so I'm not going to dwell on that.)

But regardless: everything Ian overhears Byron say is true (well, apart from the dumb bit – but I think Byron can be forgiven for not getting that, becaues I doubt Mickey made any effort at all to put his smarts on display, and our boy sure does act dumb from time to time). So why is hearing Byron say it enough to spur Ian into the grand gesture Mickey is looking for? Sure, we all get really pissed when hear others talk smack about the ones we love, but Ian's reluctance to marry was never rooted in Ian doubting his feelings for Mickey, so realizing that ”oh, I need to beat this one up because he's mean to my man” can hardly be the catalysator here. Actually, I don't think it is the catalysator – it just paves the way for the moment that is.

Bear wih me for a while:

That Mickey believes that it's Ian's feelings for him that waver isn't hard to understand: Ian has left him, multiple times, and considering how hard he went for the ”if we love and trust each other the maybe this decision isn't that hard” I absolutely get that Mickey, when Ian backs out, comes to the conclusion that Ian does not, in fact, love and/or trust him, at least not enough. But Ian does, and he verbally reaffirms that throughout these and the previous episodes. Does his insecurity, then, stem from an uncertainty that Mickey will be able to love him throughout his highs and lows? This is what he tries to tell Mickey when the whole promise rings thing fall apart, and I get that it pisses Mickey off, because hasn't Mickey already demonstrated, again and again, that he will stick by Ian, no matter what? Is Ian really so dense and insecure as not to see that?

I actually think that Ian absolutely knows that Mickey will stand by him through thick and thin, and this scares him because what if he develops into someone that Mickey no longer can love but feels obligated to stay with anyway? Ian hates being helpless; Ian hates being a victi; Ian hates feeling indebted to people because that implies he can't take care of himself, and I think that nothing terrifies him more than being a project, or being someone people stay with because they pity him or worry that he can't take care of himself. The issue here, I think, is that he doesn't trust Mickey to leave.

Why this would would be a bigger problem than it already is if they were married I don't quite get, but marriage typically speaks of a stronger and more formal committment and so is even harder to break up from, maybe? Hm. This part I haven't quite figured out yet.

Anyhow. Ian's problem is that he is scared that Mickey will stick with him even when Mickey really would rather leave, Mickey's problem – apart from him being pretty nasty to Byron – is that he wants a Grand Gesture and Proof of Love from Ian, because just expressions of love doesn’t cut it with him. This, I think, is not the proposal, but the fact that Ian shows up with a fake date. This obvious attempt at making Mickey jealous is enough to prove to Mickey that yeah, this means something to Ian too. Particularly since it comes right at the heels of Mickey experiencing a moment of true fear, when Ian announces his new partner: what if this is real, what if Mickey took things too far, what if he fucked this up? But then he sees Cole (who is, btw, awesome) and he sees Ian's face, and he knows exactly what Ian is up to. I think it was fiona-fififi who noted that they both realize that they'll be going home togheter this evening, even though they also have to go through the movements of a proper reconciliation. I tend to think of this as Mickey knowing they're going to make up, because he's prepared for that now, but Ian doesn't know it, yet. Mickey's just waiting for the opportune moment, and he's probably feeling a bit insecure, too, because how do you make the first move after all this?

But then, when Ian tops the whole thing off by beating up Byron (which Byron really didn't deserve, becaue after what Mickey put him through, he has earned the right to badmouth him – even if he is a coward for not just making Mickey leave), yeah, that's Mickey done for, that was all he needed. When he walks over to the pile of bodies, going ”hey”, that's an overture of peace: at this point, Ian doesn't actually need to propse to win him back. That is already a done deal.

I think Ian knows this too. I actually need Ian to know this too, because otherwise it will forever feel like he agreed to something he really didn't want just to have Mickey back, and this doesn't sit right with him. But then the question remain – why the fuck did he propose? What changed, that he suddenly felt confident enough in Mickey's ability to leave that he felt comfortable formalizing their union?

Maybe it's the simple fact that Mickey did leave. When he felt himself unfairly treated by Ian, he did leave and hooked-up with someone else. Admittedly and obviously in an attempt to get back at Ian, but he stubbornly stuck with it through Ian's various attempts at getting him back. Mickey is utterly in love with and devoted to Ian, but he's no wiltering flower: he will stand up for himself, and if he feels like he's not being treated right, he sure as hell will make certain Ian hears about this. Seeing Mickey standing there over him, returned only now that Ian has satisifed his need for proof of love, I think this is what Ian finally gets. This, in combination with feeling on a very deep and visceral level that he never wants Mickey to walk away and have to return again, is what prompts the proposal.

And hey - maybe he's still not completely sure about this whole getting married business, but he is sure about Mickey, so he's prepared to take the leap. Mickey may be rough in a lot of ways, but he's perfect for Ian in a way that no one else has ever been, and that's worth taking a chance on.

Anyway, this is what I think I think at the moment. Maybe I'll think something else in a while? Do you have thoughts? I'd love to hear them.

TL;DR Everything that happened in 10x09 and 10x10 actually makes sense and are in character, but should I really have to work this hard to get that?