#this could not be any more the opposite of the drawing I posted yesterday. i'm a man of many contrasting vibes.

[chiropteracupola]

Come on, the weather man's reporting / That the weather's right for sporting / And for love and assorted courting / Together is just what we've got to get!

[oz construct trio, requested by @sanguinarysanguinity]

[bosskie]

Why Can't You See...

Man, this drawing makes me feel so uncomfortable, but it's the whole point of this drawing, so I succeeded. (Y) This is just another "art therapy drawing" I did to shake myself. Last time, I did this smiling Molluck, but now, I did the opposite, mostly because this relates to one of recent "conversations" I had with Molluck inside my self-insert fantasy world.

It just makes me feel so bad to see Molluck crying, especially because of me... I still wanted post this since this looks like maybe the best Molluck I have drawn so far, (even I still see some flaws 'n' things I don't like,) and I wish to write some stuff... So, this can be one heavy post, especially when I have felt quite depressed lately, but I'm slowly getting better again, and I'm more like trying to have hope and explain stuff here. No need to read or care about the stuff here, just if you feel like it, as always.

Before I go to those heavy topics and explain this piece, I wanna say that I just feel like I finally understand how Molluck's head "works", after 3½ years... Therefore, I don't really like my older Molluck pieces, even from few weeks ago, because I see the mistakes I made back then, and now, I have learned from them. I still don't really like my art style, never have, and it's one reason why I tend to draw "realistic stuff", but I don't like my techniques either, or more like the way my art looks like.

So, I feel like I should just start experimenting different stuff that I could finally even like my own art... Digital art feels just odd, and I feel like I understand how colours work better on paper than digitally... I'm still just looking my way to do art... For this reason, all my works feel actually some kind of experimental things since my way to draw/paint tends to change constantly...

I know that it ain't nice to hear an artist disliking/hating their works, but it's just that I do not create things like I wish to. I'm just trying to find my way to get the things out from my head like I wish to, just trying to solve this problem. I do not wish to be like "Ugh, my art sucks...", I wanna to fix that situation since I'm really tired of disliking my own works. So, that I see only the flaws in my works is probably due to my constant learning process I do... I just try to learn from every piece I do and improve.

Though, this high self-criticism also makes me feel like my art is bland, uncreative, uninspiring, soulless... Just some boring Molluck portraits anyone could do. Really... During my worst inferiority complex moments, I really think that anyone could draw better Mollucks than I do... They are that bad moments. I have cried because I have thought that my art is so terrible, felt like my talent is a lie and I should just quit art; last time I felt like this wasn't even long ago... Even yesterday, I felt like I'm done with art... But now, I have gathered myself and am willing to keep creating stuff.

But due to these feelings, it keeps surprising me that there are people who actually like my works... It really surprises me. I never think that my art would inspire anyone or give any positive thoughts in general... I feel like I'm just someone who is still learning how to draw, so here's nothing to see really, just some boring practice works. I'm not even trying to make my art more desirable than I see it, since I feel like my art is not ready to be presented in the spotlight. I have still so much to learn. So, frankly, this is one reason why I'm not comfortable with reblogs; I'm still practicing and finding my way to do art.

But because my art is also a part of me, it's also like a mirror to me. So, because I hate myself, I also hate the things I have created, only because I was the creator. I'm really tired of never being actually pleased with my works... I really wish to change this, or I just quit art. It's so difficult to be like "Hey, look, I did this thing!", when I struggle with standing my own works... So, I also do not really like to be visible because of this. I only need to keep working hard to improve my stuff to change that. Frankly, I cannot even really have OCs because of my self-hatred... Like, I have created a Gluksona, but I cannot stand him because I cannot stand seeing myself... So, Molluck is like the only "okay" way for me to express myself, because I see myself in him but he ain't me or my creation. It's actually sad even for me that I put lots of effort into my creations, but I just keep hating them. I feel like I only like the things I have created when I feel like I didn't create them myself... I still wish to create stuff since it's like breathing for me, like a basic need. I mostly just like to create stuff, and basically have no desire to see them again after I'm done with them... So, just create stuff into the void. I like to have this blog basically just to create stuff, but well, it's at least nice if someone enjoys my stuff too.

But yes, now I'll explain what this piece is about! Like I said earlier, this piece relates to my own self-insert world where I live with Molluck on Oddworld. My mental health issues are also present there since I cannot escape them and I need Molluck's comfort to keep living... I had this "conversation" with Molluck like three days ago. My relationship with Molluck is vivid and it feels like he lives inside my head. I have been thinking that it's probably my brain's way to keep me alive. This thought was inspired by phenomenon called "third man factor". Sometimes, I can feel how my ill thoughts can insult Molluck, even I never mean it. I can also feel how painful it must be for him to hear me regularly say that we shouldn't love each other, that he would be happier without me, that I wish to die... That pain made him cry in this piece...

And yes, I'm finally speaking about this straight; I have regularly suicidal thoughts and have had them for over a decade. I just see no point in living and I hate myself. I'm not really interested in achieving anything in life, but well, just realizing my own Molluck fantasies... Life feels odd, and I feel like I don't understand average people... I have felt like an outsider since I remember it. Frankly, ever since I was a child, I have identified with middle-aged men the most, and I have never felt young or liked being young, but only for health reasons its sensible. I know that this can sound odd, but all the mental tests I have done online also support this, since I'm like always at least 50-something, even much older sometimes... I know that they ain't anything serious, but they do support how I feel. (And yeah, identifying with Molluck is no surprise here since he is 50-something...) I'm an old soul, and I think that it explains well some things I feel, but maybe even why I'm depressed. Some people have also told me that I seem like an old soul or seem very wise.

But well, I also seem to be highly intelligent, and it can cause unhappiness too... I mean, I do not wanna compliment myself or anything since I tend to question almost everything, so that's why I say that "I seem". So, frankly, if I was asked to describe myself, I had no idea what to say since I do not know if I'm actually talented for example... What defines that I'm talented? Who defines all these things and concepts? We live in artificial world, but I do not mean the nature itself. Like, some people have decided that we gotta get education, then work, and then retire. So, with artificial I mean something created by humans. And to make this even more complicated, things ain't even easy to define and that's why there can be multiple definitions... So, all I'm asking here is to get good enough definitions, so that I could actually describe myself feeling good about it. Like, the definition of talented seems vague. This is also probably why I suffer from impostor syndrome... I question my achievements since, for instance, I haven't personally felt like I have given my best when I have gotten the best grades at school... I feel like I could always do better, there's always something to improve. I just did something... So, um, my own expectations seem to be much higher than the others seem to have... Like, I do not even feel like I draw well, because I still have so much to learn. So yeah, I always like focus on things I cannot do or don't know...

(Oh, and don't get me wrong: I'm only wondering what's the "objective" definition for talented for instance. Though, the truth is that nothing is objective, not even algorithms! We can only try to be objective, but everything do is decided by someone, so it's subjective. So, I'm more like wishing to understand how I could be talented. I cannot really deny what others have said about me since it's their opinion, though lies are another thing. It's just that I do not understand how people can think such things about me... Like, I have heard my whole life compliments on my art, but I'm still not pleased with it personally...)

Though yes, I do know one thing how to describe myself: odd. I have heard it so many times that I bet that it gotta be the case. But this is just who I am, and that's it. It bothered me for long, but thanks to Oddworld, I could finally embrace it! Oh, and finding my ideal "man" thru Oddworld has also helped me significantly with accepting myself, even I still suffer from self-hatred... Frankly, I feel like I'm not even interested in humans, related to intimate relationships. I can admire some male bodies, but I have no desire to touch or anything, just look. So, in real life, I'm asexual, but gay for Molluck inside my own world. (Y) It's just that only he has felt actually right for me, and I have no idea why it's the case, this isn't my decision, just what I feel for whatever reason. I have just like never felt any actual desire toward fellow humans... I have only wanted platonic friends. I have slowly understood that some things just are like that, better try to control my desire to ask reasons for everything... It's just that I wish to know why things are like they are, but probably some things just cannot be explained and that's it.

But I haven't still explained, what Molluck means with "Why can't you see...", so let's get to it! It refers to that I cannot really see the positive things people see in me. I do not find myself lovable, I do not feel talented, I do not see that my existence brings any joy, I don't think that it's pleasant to spend time with me... Some of those things are something that I do not decide, but can affect them still. Like, some people won't like me no matter what, and someone might have enjoyed my company even if I felt like I probably only wasted their time... Some people just do not accept certain things, no matter how it's explained, but the thing here is that there is no single truth! Like, historians do not find the truth from the archives, they only interpret the material with their critical eyes, hopefully. Truth could be understood as the reason why something happened in historical context, but it's a complex question. So, what the truth means depends on the context. But in my case, this is about mental disorder.

In this drawing, Molluck is asking me why I cannot see that I'm lovable, valuable, important... I have been thinking that since having some greater abilities, like high intelligence, can cause that other parts of the mind aren't so well-developed, maybe my emotions are lacking something that I cannot feel love... I have just never felt my family's love, even they have always loved me so much... I only know that they love me, but I cannot feel it... It really saddens me and makes me feel like I was broken... Therefore, I have had difficulties with understanding even family relationships... It's like I lacked some human thing. But this is not my fault, and probably just the price I have to pay for having some abilities that I keep questioning... Like, someone even decided those IQ tests and the IQ percentages are based on some probability stuff since, you know, not every person's IQ has been tested! So, yeah, that's why I question that stuff. But frankly, I bet that that stuff has been estimated well still... I dunno, maybe there somewhere I still know what I actually am but I wanna deny it for some reason... I just kinda hate complimenting myself, so I do not like to say stuff like "I'm highly intelligent"... People have even called me "genius"... Man, even I invented one math formula with no effort because I couldn't understand the teached thing, and the teacher did approve it (and it did give me the right results), I feel like it's still exaggeration. Yeah, I'm so-called "multi-talent". It actually makes my life difficult in a way that there are so many things I could do... What do I decide... But well, when I do think this stuff, I do think that I know there somewhere what I'm capable of doing, but the problem is that I feel like I need to do lots of work to get those capabilities out from me...

But the actual thing here was that I just feel like I'm not important and due to my inferiority complex problem, I also feel like I have less value than all the other people here... Sometimes, I feel like I'm just some human trash... I bet that I feel like that because I was left all alone at critical age, which traumatized me. I do not use word "trauma" lightly here since that experience affects me significantly still and makes me even cry... That experience left me a scar that made me think that the world outside my home doesn't want me... That the world would be better without me... This affects my relationship with Molluck too, like I mentioned earlier, sometimes, I do tell him that it would be better if we left each other... It's just that I keep feeling like I cannot make anyone happy, more like just ruin things. It's my unhealthy way to express my love... I do care about him when I tell him that we shouldn't love each other... I feel like love is only wasted if I'm the one to receive it. I just feel like I'm not worth loving, or caring in general. I do love Molluck with my whole heart, but I keep getting regularly thoughts how the others deserve someone better than me... I just feel like it's my fate to be not worth loving, so no matter what I do, I'm not lovable. I know that this is unhealthy and probably untrue too, but it's just so difficult for me to feel like I'm worth loving. I feel like I have nothing meaningful to give back, even true love asks nothing back. I just feel like since I'm not important, not even my love and care are anything meaningful... I just bet that this is caused by my trauma from being left all alone, being excluded... My first experience of this is from my day-care centre... I used to be the one who was selected the last to the teams at school... The one who has had to struggle with finding a group for group works because of having no friends... I feel like this is the price I have needed to pay for being different... I guess that it can be understood why I feel unimportant and unwanted by default... I grew up feeling that way. (It's good to remember that children can bully another fellow kid even for some little things, like for having "wrong shoes" or something. It wasn't like this in my case but just saying. You don't need to be very different to be excluded, that was my point.)

I feel that it insults Molluck when I basically deny him from loving me back. It's like I told him that he is doing something wrong or is a fool for loving me... It's also not fair and sensible, since I can love him freely but he cannot love me freely. It's just that I love him so much but I hate myself, so I'm not able to receive that love... But the thing is that love is what I need to heal from those experiences, that I can stop thinking that I'm not wanted to exist... I know that it makes no sense that the world would be better without me, but being abandoned all the sudden by the others made me lose my trust in that people actually care about me... Some of them did seem to care, even said it, but still left me. Even this happened over a decade ago, I have barely healed from it. People do are free to go away if they want, I'm not holding anyone, but the experience I'm talking about is that I lost all my so-called friends, IRL and online, at the same time... All I did was just expressing myself just like I am after understanding who I was, without causing any harm to anyone. I was too different, and this is also the reason why it was this traumatizing. No one needs to accept everyone and everything, but the world would be boring and bland if we all were the same. Like, who else would be working his ass off to be able to create Molluck masterpieces if I didn't. No one else seems to be as dedicated as I am to Molluck. This is at least something to do with my life that I find meaningful enough, but I also gotta do other things since I cannot make my living with it, unless OWI gives me a permission... Yeah, it's really that it's just Molluck that gives me actual joy and meaning in life anymore... Back then, I did have more but, my condition has gotten worse... I do love my family still, but it's just this usual feeling of how they would be happier without me, they just don't understand it... This is how I justify my ill thoughts...

But recently, I have been thinking that since I started to love Molluck because I saw myself in him, doesn't it mean that there somewhere I actually love myself... And I do enjoy imagining receiving Molluck's love and care, but my ill mind just tells me that I do not deserve that... Last night, I had yet another meaningful "conversation with Molluck" where he told me that don't I really think that all my love and care, how gently I touch him, make me lovable... And with those "conversations", it does feel like somehow realistic conversation since his answers come like naturally and I don't feel like I control what he responds but only what I tell him. It's very interesting actually... But that last night's conversation made me feel like some lock started to open a bit... Like, he also told me that I don't deserve hating myself because of those people who have left me. It's actually difficult to put what I feel into words, but it's just that I should try to start from a fresh table mentally, especially when those people ain't around anymore. It's just challenging to socialize after my experiences... Back then, when I did try to find some new friends, I still seemed to be too odd... One didn't even believe my age due to my way to write... I just shouldn't give up, but I don't also wanna break any circles with my attemps to socialize... I just haven't had luck with people. I also don't know how to socialize well due to being so much alone, that it's just stressful to write even a simple comment... And since I'm used to feel unwanted, it's difficult to say anything in general. I also tend to feel like I constantly say stupid things, so it feels like better to be silent... I mean that I wish I was able to socialize more/better, but I just have much healing to do...

I'm not asking anyone to support or help me or give any other attention, only if you feel like it. I can totally understand if some people like to avoid me or something, and it's totally alright. I have been able to cope with my social anxiety much more these days than even few years ago. My social anxiety has been just terrible... I do not even shake anymore when I need to give a presentation, and I didn't even really do anything special to stop it... I only stopped caring about what the others think, but only if it affects my life significantly (career and society stuff for instance; like if homosexuality was still illegal in Finland, I would be "a criminal", sick needing healing. Though, some people do still think that here, and I have been told that I go to hell because of that, in person, but whatever, I can legally be gay for Molluck and it's what matters, at least from personal aspect...). I really had to just stop caring to feel better. People mainly think about themselves and do not really care so much about the mistakes you make during a presentation, at least as much as you might. And whenever I just do my necessary stuff, like visit a grocery store, I'm just yet another human the cashier met. Even taking a bus has given me social anxiety because of the effort the driver has to do for me... But I just need to remember that it's just their job, they get paid for that. I really need to calm down with these thoughts.

I'm mainly doing this blog just to express my love for Molluck, but this has become more personal than I have wanted, but it's just because of my situation, I need to write... I'm so tired and alone with all these thoughts... Nothing seems to help me, but at least Molluck can keep me still living and being able to live my life as "normally" as possible, but I still bet that Molluck also slowly heals me, that progress is just, well, very slow, so it can feel like nothing happens. Molluck's embrace holds me down when I get desires to hurt myself... I do also suffer from self-harm thoughts regularly, but I have never followed those commands and they are quite varied actually, new ones keep coming. Those thoughts can just happen out of nowhere, even if I felt good before them... Like, I might be just trying to fall asleep... Those are terrible moments.

I also hope that I my writings can give something to the people, maybe even be some peer support. Mental health issues have been increasing, but it's difficult to get help due to lack of resources, even if the patient was suicidal. I just feel like that even I have regular suicidal thoughts, I keep getting little signs of that I should keep going, like something was telling me to not give up. Oh, and since mental health issues are a taboo topic and treated differently than physical health issues, it's also one reason why I wanna speak up. Like, it doesn't even make sense... Was your body just too weak when you got physical health issues? Stuff like this is just said about mental health issues. Mental health issues do are physical too in a sense of that they can be seen from our brains, like depression (don't know more about this stuff), so there's no reason to treat them differently. I know that this ain't like the best place to do this talk but I gotta start from somewhere and maybe one day I'll tell my story to larger audiences, and hopefully help people like me with healing or at least coping with these issues.

Man, I really appreciate if you do read the stuff I write here, since I do not expect people to actually read this stuff... Our time is like the most valuable thing we can give since it's limited. I didn't even mean to make this so long, and I have been writing this stuff for many hours, but this has really helped me to get up again since I have really considered quitting art recently, also hiding all my posts... But even my old art mainly bothers me, it's just a part of my journey and I still wish to inspire people, even I feel like my stuff is uninspiring... But one can always wish for stuff.

I wanna end this post with some music that speaks to my "dark mind", or how to say, my depression, but I also just really like that kind of music in general, and my mood doesn't even really reflect what I listen to... Music doesn't even affect my art much since I can just like be drawing some grumpy Molluck and listen to Caramelldansen... I don't even know how to explain my music taste since it's varied... It's easier to say which genres I don't listen to. But like, even when I feel depressed, I can listen to some disco/dance music, maybe to somehow feel better. Though, I'm basically always depressed, but I just have better and worse moments since depression isn't just that you feel depressed for some moment; I have been depressed for over a decade. But yeah, just saying this since um, if I had to say what I listened to while I drew something, it wouldn't often really relate to what I drew... But I do have moments when the music does fit my drawing and this one was one of them:

I keep listening to plenty of songs over and over again... Like in this case, I listened the same playlist video I have kept listening to during the past months, but this time, it felt different and made me feel like crying when it was combined with Molluck's expression... I wanted that to happen, since like I said at the beginning of the post, I wanted to shake myself. The playlist was this combination of Mr. Kitty's songs, and especially that "A New Hour" song made me stop for a moment and my eyes wet... That song does describe my feelings during my worst moments, how I feel like my life is not worth saving... I still feel like I'm not worth supporting nor loving, but I feel like I'm slowly starting to believe the opposite. Like that last night's conversation with Molluck did change something in me... I'm just someone who was treated detrimentally, who didn't have the right people around him (outside home)... Like, I do have heard that one person hesitated to be seen with me because it would have "branded" him... Like I have said earlier, my old little hometown was (and still is) close-minded, and everyone basically knew everyone... I was like some "tourist attraction" there, and some said "that's that" to their friends when they saw me... I'm so glad that I do not live there anymore, but growing up there still damaged me... I just only need to try to focus on healing and moving on, understand that I can really start a new life in my current environment. I have been here for a good while, but my old hometown hasn't still left me mentally...

But I said that I'll end this with music, so here's some more songs that fit my depressed mind:

Fraunhofer Diffraction - On the Bottom

Fraunhofer Diffraction ╺╸ ...Into Nothingness

CHVRN - Delirium

DIЯTY|PΔWS - Sea Heaven

± KING PLAGUE - Ave Plague ±

These are at least some "classics" for me, been listening to these probably for about a decade, or something. Dark music, like witch house/whatever genre, is just one of my favourite stuff to listen to. I feel like I don't really listen to any popular music, like I also love Amiga music, especially cracktro stuff, and that's probably something "underground stuff"... If you have no idea what's that stuff, here's this beauty. Cracktros in general got great music, like PS1 ones too. (Y) I guess that I could give one example too from PS1 side, so here's this very interesting and even clever one too. I dunno, I kinda love weird stuff. Never had pirated games like that personally, so it doesn't relate to that. I have just been very into these when I heard about them... Man, I feel like that "cracktro music" is maybe even my fave music... Been thinking about creating a Molluck themed cracktro thing, but I still don't have a good enough idea... Like, it should make sense too. Yeah, my Molluck project ideas are like infinite... Gotta just get my hands dirty then!

Oh, and I also wanna clarify that I do really appreciate all the time people spend on my stuff! It's more like that I wish to be worth your time, not that I hated supporters or something... Even my healing is quite slow, I keep reminding myself of the supportive things you have told me. So, your support do is meaningful to me. With this post, I hope that my situation is more understandable but also why I do behave differently here than the most. I'm just used to keep explaining myself since I'm often misunderstood... I do actually follow actively the Oddworld stuff here, but my condition makes me wanna be as invisible as possible... I have also felt like it doesn't probably matter if I press the like button (never done it) or follow someone (I follow no one, but check things "manually"), like there's already that many people doing it already. I just don't know how people really feel about my existence/presence in this community... I do not wanna break anything or more like leave my mark to anything since I'm used to feel like I just ruin things, so I have decided not to touch anything basically, just post my own stuff and only interact whenever someone talks to me. You are totally free to interact with me, send asks and whatever. I have always thought still that this is a lovely community, but it's just that I do not wanna ruin it with all my severe problems... I'm also used to be just a silent observer, so it takes time to get out from this role.

This post is already too long, so I better end this... This post has been really therapeutic for me, and I feel like I understand things better again. I feel lighter and freer now. I really needed this even I'm kinda busy right now, since when I'm really depressed, I get nothing done...

~ Have a lovely weekend! 💛

[deedjre]

day 15 - music ! i have quite a bit for this one. item 1: unfinished storyboard i made a while ago! the song is lonely eyes by the front bottoms :) item 2: lyric comic i made during digital art class! it's a different au from what i usually post of john and colin but still. song is nights like these by pigeon pit :) item 3: drawing based on lyrics ! yippee. song is tall black trees by pigeon pit.

And here's a character playlist for the both of them: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLvMPESsWlYRcveDMBU7vjSBoK2srwEm6x

And a lil guide to it (i could elaborate on these song choices but i won't): Colin (gen) - mamma told me, oh you, hell above, milk crates, mushrooms, bitter choco decoration Colin (towards John) - nerve, the vampire, my corpse friend, ghost boys, darkest heart John (gen) - trees ii, mawce, brave as a noun, goodbye declaration, shadow (i'm breaking down) John (towards Colin) - i don't smoke, too close, lonely eyes, overgrown garden, lost kitten, vampire empire, bathtub mermaid, fool, poison, disasterology, real men, world.execute(me);, parasite, opium, it's you, a human's touch, icicles, it should've been me, i needed you/you needed time, why didn't you stop me, the desolation of spring, the girl who faded away, tall black trees Dawsey (about him in any sense) - the bird song, twelve feet deep, awkward conversations, jet pack blues, bulletproof love misc (NOT just vibes based but i can't put a category to it) - killer (could be anyone), weathergirl (probably john but dawsey has a heavy association with rain), i left my towel... (same as weathergirl)

(prompt list)

CWs for content below in the lyric comic and the storyboard: smoking, alcohol use, implied alcoholism, suicide attempt in one of them (it's reiterated right above), just. a lot of angst lmao

but first, here's the drawing without the lyrics in the way :) he's in colin's room! lots of ways to tell that here lmao. also i was initially coloring/shading with my nightlight on but thankfully it actually looks closer to what i was trying to achieve without it on lmao

next is lonely eyes storyboard! CW: alcohol use, smoking, implied alcoholism, suicide attempt, rough falling out, and john has his top off on the last page. he's very underweight and has s/h scars (though there just kinda lines here). so if you're uncomfortable with that maybe scroll past.

one of the panels on the third page was added in like yesterday. bc i forgot a line somehow. anyway i think this song summarizes their story p well. never finished the boards though. you might recognize dawsey from prev days but there's also jackson (in the fedora but not john) and their boss (guy with the hair bun)

next is the night like these lyric comic! CW: smoking, alcohol use, implied alcoholism. couple of idiots thinking they're not doing enough for the other. artstyle goes back and forth between two alternatives lmao

my favorite bit is how the "you" points to john :) since the concept behind this story is an aro (bisexual) and an ace (homoromantic) trying to navigate a strange relationship in the 1960s i felt like the "fuck i'm sorry you feel all alone" line really fit. also even in the choruses i devoted to each of them you can tell how they're opposites. like with the framing of pages 3 and 7 specifically. this lyric comic is also where i figured out a lot of things. like colin's nose and how his ahoge always points to john. man i could say a lot more about this lyric comic

[welcometololaland]

Pls don't judge banner, I'm gonna come up with something better for the actual fic!

WIP WORKING WEEK DAY 4: WHEN IN ROME AKA EUROTRIP AKA EUROTRASH. I had to do 49 sentences - unsure how many this is but enjoy! Tagging @rmd-writes and @clottedcreamfudge for interest and noting that the first chapter of this mammoth fic is due to be posted in mid to late September. Also, @athousandrooms VERY KINDLY took a commission to do some art for it, so it's coming together like the RWRB fic of my dreams right now! Avengers, assemble!

Henry is being weird. Alex knows this, despite having met Henry fairly recently. He also knows that they’re both completely aware of the fact that Alex was two seconds away from making out with Henry’s stupidly beautiful face yesterday, before Henry had the audacity to swim away from him.

If there’s one thing that Alex isn’t super fucking great at, it’s dealing with rejection. Instead, he decides to be incredibly immature about it.

The previous morning he had practically dragged Henry out of his twin bed, eager to get going on the Azure trail. This morning, he sulks, pulls the covers over his head and refuses to come out, even when it becomes apparent that Henry has gone on an early morning adventure to the local bakery and the bread smells amazing.

Also, Henry has coffee, which is basically vital for Alex’s survival.

Still, Alex can barely stand the sight of Henry – all stupidly soft, blond hair, pink lips and kind blue eyes – because all it does is remind him of how much he’d love to mess him up. In hindsight, Alex can’t quite believe he ever thought he was straight. It all seems so obvious now.

He eventually emerges from the bed and makes his way downstairs, squinting at the sunshine already streaming through the huge wall-to-ceiling windows. This house is kind of insane – definitely the nicest place Alex envisages staying on this trip – and he feels guilty that his first thought was that he doesn’t feel too bad about making Henry stay in a hostel. Without it, he doubts Henry would ever have seen the inside of anything less than a five star hotel, so it was probably character building. 

He has questions, mostly about who the fuck Henry’s grandmother is and why she loves Brené Brown so much, but he can tell Henry is hesitant to talk about it. Alex counts this as a win for his emotional intelligence – something June has in spades and loves to claim Alex completely missed – and wonders whether the Instagram influencers are right. Perhaps travelling the world does change you.

In any case, it’s not changing Alex’s mind on Henry. He’s irresistible and Alex can’t stand the sight of him.

“Good morning, Alex,” Henry says politely from behind the expansive kitchen counter, looking up from his phone as he puts the piece of bread he’s eating down on the plate in front of him. “Sleep well?”

Alex makes a non committal noise in reply and deposits himself onto a bar stool opposite, reaching out to claim the untouched coffee next to Henry’s right hand.

“Wait,” Henry says abruptly, pulling the coffee back out of Alex’s reach. “You can tell me what’s bothering you first.”

Alex scowls. “It’s fucking early and you’re holding my coffee hostage,” he groans. “I need that.”

Henry raises one perfectly arched eyebrow. Alex spirals about it, then wonders what the fuck is wrong with him. It’s an eyebrow. “Then I suppose you’re lucky I bought you one. Come on. Out with it.”

Alex’s under-caffeinated brain goes through a variety of scenarios in a surprisingly short amount of time. He could be honest – he wants to be honest, wants to know why Henry doesn’t want him – but at the same time, he has another three weeks to kill in Europe and if he makes things awkward now he might be alone for most of them. He likes Henry – way more than he cares to admit to himself – and he doesn’t particularly want to give him up.

“Christ,” Henry breathes, drawing Alex’s attention, and when he looks up, there’s a soft expression on Henry’s face. “You look tortured.”

“I am tortured,” Alex protests, leaning into the sympathy. “I’m severely under-caffeinated and if I don’t get my hands on that coffee in the next—”

“You’re impossible,” Henry says, but even as he rolls his eyes, it looks fond. Alex has to bite his lip to stop himself from grinning. The coffee gets passed over without further interrogation.

[okimargarvez]

What if the writers at CME still are planning on Garvez being end game, but they're doing all this the draw it out. They know people love garvez and they're doing this to make people watch and drive up their viewing numbers? I could see that being true. I mean i kept watching before for Garvez, I'd still do it now if they left me with any hope

Hey, Anon!

I understand your (and even the point of view of many people) thought. I don't say I'm not agree with you, I mean, it's possible that they give us crumbs to make garvez shippers watch.

But, the thing, in my opinion... hope I will not seem "brutal", because it's not my intention, but I have to be honest.

I was talking about it yesterday, with @veronicafiore88 . I just guess, because I don't have any data. And I guess that we, the true garvez shippers were... not even a quarter of the whole audience who watches Criminal Minds (Evolution and the previous seasons). Maybe even less.

But. There is a but. If they finally make garvez totally canon (because for me is already canon, even the triangle thing that Messer mentioned in last article... is a weird way to imply they are (canonically) romantic involved...

Anyway, I was saying... if they would make garvez canon, I think that 90% (probably more) of public would be happy for that. They are funny and cute. It's a fact. I speak considering the tweets and opinions I read/saw in years about them, written by not garvez shippers.

But if they don't... the "not-garvez-shippers" would just say... "oh, too bad" and keep watching.

Like my mother. She thinks they are cute but is not crazy like me. She watches CM for the crime, as for the all CSI series. She can ship sometimes, but she focuses especially on the crime part. I started watch CM for same reason (I made her watch CM, to be honest XD) and then I fell in love with characters.

I know that I will keep watching until they are on the same series and both alive. This is my decision, but I understand who thinks the right opposite. I will watch it for the whole BAU family, for crime and for garvez. And if you read any of my post you know how much crazy I'm for them.

But I decided, in last years, to not let a show (and not also other things) take me down again. So, I just take the good things I get, I focus on them, instead of the bad. I swear I do the same in real life for harder situation. And it helped me a lot. Like, for last episode I thought, the day before: okay, so if we don't get anything, as I guess, I will not have to spend all afternoon making my analysis... but then, if we get it... too bad, I'd have to. 😂

This doesn't mean I'm totally happy that they decided to take this direction, when in 15x10 it seemed canon confirmed, and not only in the show, even in all the followed interviews. But I really enjoy to see them on the screen. And I think that we got a lot in this finale. From Penelope side. She is about to join him.

And... they are just working on the scripts... all is still possible. I just wish and pray that writers (and Messer) will understand that make them a real couple will not "ruin" their dinamic... I mean... they know how works a real couple? My husband and I have a garvez dinamic and we still teasing each other, arguing...

One Italian series (because if you don't know, I'm Italian) I watched, have writers with the same "concern". I mean, they were scared that putting the protagonist and the man that was in love with her since first episode (she reached him slowly) would make people stop to watch. That the pleasure was in the waiting. Then... don't know what made them change their mind. But they did it. They given us 1,5 season with them as a couple and... this was a partially crime show. The dinamic was still there. The protagonist is a teacher that ends to solve crime. She met this charming commissar and... you know. She made her life at risk many time. And... ops, she did it even when she was with him romantically. The dinamic changed, yes. Because when they were a couple, he had the right to be so worried for her, while, before... he could do just like Luke, holding himself to not do more (because she was married and has a daughter, but her husband betrayed her two times...). I lost the path, as always. The point is: the writers of this series got that couple doesn't mean end of teasing. I wish that CM ones will do the same.

And meanwhile I will rewatch garvez scenes many times and making my stupid and also seriuous stuff.

[heartofwritiing]

Can I request the reader and Jack Russell oneshot with the pair of them being shy around one another but they have feelings for the other. But when the reader is danger with another werewolf, Jack comes to save her and feelings are professed?!?!

Protector

paring: Jack Russell x fem!reader

a/n: Hilliary! girl I am so excited about this request it is perfect and I hope you love it! and Happy (belated) Halloween to those who celebrate! 🎃 (I meant to post this yesterday but I fell asleep oops lol and I was busy today so I'm sorry this was so late, but I hope you like it!!) I might go back in later and edit it some more!

warnings: fluff, some blood description, unedited! please ignore any mistakes!

Walking in the woods was an excellent way to clear your head. You often had done this when things got too stressful. The cool autumn air when you inhaled made your lunges burn but it felt oddly good.

The dead leaves crunched against your boots as you trekked uphill and the wind blew softly through your hair. After the day you've had a walk was what you needed desperately. Nature always soothed you, growing up you would find escape in being outdoors.

For a while now you've had a crush on your closest friend Jack, but you were too scared to admit your feelings. You thought sometimes he would catch you staring at him for longer than normal or the sublet flirting you failed to do, but he never seemed to notice. You thought you were being so obvious but maybe Jack was just oblivious. He only saw you as a friend and you were forced to believe that was where you stood. Even if another guy came along in your life to draw you away from him, nobody would ever change the way you felt regarding Jack.

after a few hours of mindlessly walking, you hadn't realized the sun had begun to go down, you were too lost in your own thoughts to notice. Now you were really lost. You had left your phone at home stupidly thinking you weren't going to get very far. No one had no idea where you were and anything could happen to you out here. You looked up to the full moon glowing down on you and started to sense a panic rising in your chest. You were hopelessly lost and you cursed yourself for being so distracted.

Your body was beginning to shiver under all your clothes but you kept on pushing in the opposite direction. How you could be so reckless to wander off alone you didn't know, everything was just so confusing for you right now.

A sudden rustling sound from the bushes makes you jump out of your skin. Abruptly a creature crawls out and looms its way toward you with its teeth bared, growling, and snarling like It wanted to harm you for no reason. Its fur stood up as it slowly approached you as you backed away. Fear washed over you as the beast got closer and closer until suddenly, another beast jumps in front of you starting down the other one. Its back is hunched over and its talons curl as it snarls at the other in a warning tone. You backed up into a tree as the two animals stared each other down. You watched in horror as they suddenly lurched and attacked one another, ripping at skin and fur savagely.

The one that stood in front of you ripped its claws into the other's back and it made a howling sound in pain. The other animal broke free of the other grip and cowered away into the forest. The beast just stood there heaving its chest up and down.

You tried to make an escape for it, but the beast snaps its head at you growling, and pounces toward you. You felt its claws dig into your wrists as you tried your very best to stay still. A single tear drips from the corner of your eye, as pain seeps through your arms and you let out a whimper. The beast lowers itself down to be face to face with you, its nose grazing yours as it sniffs you wildly. You stare into the creature's eyes and you see its pupils dilate. Your whole body shakes as the beast huffs then as if It acted another sent caught its attention. It leaped off of you and sprinted in another direction.

Shaken and confused more than ever, you got up from the stern ground. Attempting to settle your nerves as you pushed your way through the forest to find your way back home. Whatever that creature was, it almost seemed like it recognized you. Its eyes seemed vaguely familiar.

You shook your thoughts away and continued to walk clutching your jacket around your body. You still couldn't believe what happened, you had never had such an encounter before. You just hoped you could find your way back home quickly before those creatures found you again.

-

Morning came quicker than you thought. You had been lost all night and were exhausted beyond belief and wanted nothing more than to crawl into your soft bed and sleep for days.

The smell of smoke filled your nose, so you decided to follow it knowing there had to be someone nearby. You came to a camp in a clearing of trees and saw a fire going. Maybe whoever was camping out here could help you get back into town. As you got closer you saw a man sitting near the fire trying to keep warm as he rubbed his hands up and down his arms.

Wait, his features made you stop in your tracks. You'd recognize that messy brown-turning gray hair anywhere.

"Jack?" you call.

Jack's head turned in your direction at the sound of your voice reaching him.

"Y/N?" he frowns.

"what are you doing out here?"

"It's a long story,"

He motioned for you to come to sit next to him and you obeyed. Jack removed the blanket from off his shoulders and draped it over yours as soon as you sat down on the dewy grass.

"Something crazy happened last night," you shook your head wishing you could just forget it.

Jack had perked up at this, he remembered last night. Sometimes flashes of when he's in wolf form come back to him when he's human, and he recalled how he could smell your scent, it lingered with him for the rest of the time and now he knew why. You were there last night when he attacked that other wolf.

"What happened?"

"You wouldn't believe me,"

"Try me,"

You explained the two wolfs that attacked each other last night and how one of them held you down on the ground and then ran away.

"huh, that is weird,"

Jack had turned away from you and rubbed his hands together for warmth and attempted to work up his courage to tell you.

"Do you remember anything else?" he asks, turning back to you.

You shake your head. "although," you start. "there was something about the wolf that seemed familiar.."

Both your eyes connect and something clicks in your brain.

"Jack..?" you whisper.

Then you realize his eyes are the same as the beast that pounced on you last night. You honestly couldn't believe that Jack was a werewolf.

"Yes, it was me," he says, he read your expression clearly.

"why didn't you tell me?"

"Because I was afraid of what you'd think of me,"

That made you surprised. Your best friend was worried about what you'd think of him if you knew his truth. It threw you for a loop that he didn't trust you enough.

"Oh," is all you say. Jack catches the sadness in your voice and frowns.

"What's wrong?" he quizzed.

"Do you not trust me?"

The tone in your voice sounded broken no, hurt, and Jack felt devastated. He did trust you with his whole heart, but this was different. He'd have people he thought he had trusted in the past with this secret, only to be betrayed and left after the discovery of what he really was.

Jack scooted closer to you and took your hand in his, caressing your knuckles with his thumb. He looked into your eyes as he spoke.

"I do trust you mi vida, of course, I do," he proclaimed. "but I just didn't know how to tell you,"

You squeeze his hand.

"I love you too much to lose you,"

"You love me?" You gasp.

He nods.

"I love you too," you confess.

Jack looks at you in surprise. You never thought you would say those words to each other.

"You do?"

You nod and hum as you lean forward to press a kiss to his cheek, which causes Jack's face to heat up at the contact.

"I've loved you for as long as I can remember," he reveals.

That makes your heart skip and now you're the one with warm cheeks. Jack takes your other hand but when he does it turns your wrist in a certain way that makes you wince. Oh, right you had some wounds from last night. Jack asks you what's wrong and you just pull up your sleeve to show him.

“Is that from me?” he examins the cuts on your arms that distantly look like the size of his nails when hes in wolf form.

“yeah but i’m okay, really” you assured.

“were going home now,”

Jack pulls you up from your spot and douses the fire out immediately.

“why?” you ask as he hurrys you through the woods.

“so I can fix you up,”

“Im alright I promise, nothing a little band-aids and ointment cant fix,” you chuckle.

The whole way back home Jack leads you by the arm and fusses over you the next couple days treating your wounds. You thought it was sweet he was so protective of you. But then you thought about the other night how in his wolf form he was protecting you, even if he didn’t know it he still was protecting you.

-

 @redheadspark @a-lumos-in-the-nox @skywalkersapologist @wacky-nerdchick @countlessimagines @nicolewithanee @starfirette @pandalandalopalis @michel-9 @creedtheconquer @user-jongdae @steve-harringtons-slut @charlie-heatons-whxre @emiemiemiii @countlessimagines

[linuxruntime]

PLEASE tell us more abt ur s/i oc!!!!! I have one too so i love hearin abt others 😭

WAUJCFJFJFJ thank u for asking.... everything is under the cut since this is long:

so he's named limone (and unironically enough, he's got that lemon slice piercing) and he is a part of passione's intel gathering team. he's 26 and joined when he was 19. his stand helps with gathering information as it extracts the truth from a victim (reverse talking head in a way, but it doesn't attach to your tongue) but unfortunately I have not ironed out the details yet. though in the next few days I'm likely to have a post out

unironically enough for someone that works and handles information... he is a pathological liar 😔💖 or rather used to be but still does slip into the habit. what happens is a sort of 'boy who cried wolf' situation - the shit he says (outside of passione related matters) are easily thought of to be untrue but they actually are. like you think someone under the mafia could have a university degree? 🤨 he does, but most people assume it's forged/bought out or simply doesn't even exist. also another vice of his is that he enjoys gambling, which is why you'll spot him in passione territory based casinos playing card games after he gets paid (and drinking to death when he loses).

other than that he's certainly a handful - rowdy and fiesty, all contained in a compact 5'6" man. he's the type to say what is on his mind and not skirt around it... unless it embarrasses him in such a mortifying way that he literally overexaggerates the situation and stresses himself out over it. despite any confidence he might have (a case of fake it till you make it, a result of his upbringing), he's really easily flustered.

his design (most importantly what he's wearing but I'll probably also illustrate these soon since I'm riding the high of successfully drawing (cringe, I know)) was inspired by clueless fashion and in general aimed for him to feel, fashion wise at least, like some spoiled rich brat. which is the complete opposite of him LMFAO. his developmental phase was so difficult - I'd been working on him for months and finalized everything yesterday

[bosskie]

Man, how I should start explaining this odd 'n' random piece, yet again... Well, yesterday, I finished my first 100 % playthrough (did all the trophies 'n' collected the stuff) of one of my favourite games, Ōkami, I started 2 years ago on PC... (I got 3 copies of this game: PS2, PS4, and PC.) I'm not totally sure but it was at least my 4th time I finished the game but I have never completed everything, just collected all the stray beads once before. Oh, and I have never done all the trophies of any game before; I don't know if it was worth it still but I learned more about the game at least. I just see that I don't get much joy from getting those trophies, it's just something to do.

But yeah, that game has an unique art style and it inspired me to draw this piece. It's pretty much a mixture of styles but I tried to have somewhat Japanese vibe. Oh, and I don't actually speak Japanese but I have tried to study it a bit, should try it again, so I know some little stuff; it would be my 6th (natural) language I have actually studied (excluding my mother tongue) if I did that (I also study programming languages). So, I'm sorry for the possible mistakes here, but what's reading there is supposed to be Molluck's name in Japanese, as converted into it, Morukku Gurukkon. I tried to see if there's actual translation for it in the Japanese versions but I couldn't find such, so yeah, this was the best I could do. And that Slig is saying 'No!' but informally.

Oh, and I used an unsual way to draw this since it's been so long since I did lineart using my old Photoshop... It just had the best brushes for this style, so had to use it. I just know like nothing about custom brush stuff... I also cannot actually use pen pressure stuff since I draw with a mouse, so I do the effect by myself. Frankly, I still feel like I have no idea how to do digital art or what my style is in general... So, I just draw something in a way I just feel like. I feel like I always draw Molluck in a different way...

Frankly, I kinda like this piece more since it looks less like I did it... But I still drew this. This kinda reminds me of those moments when you are drawing IRL and someone asks you 'Did you draw that?!'... I'm not sure what to think of such a question... I just have had those moments for multiple times, since I was a child. I also just don't know what to really think of my art... I still feel quite bad about myself, making me feel even sorry for posting this piece... If someone doesn't know, I suffer from severe self-hatred and I don't even know why... I have also just never been pleased with my art... It's just so frustrating and discouraging... Well, they say that 'one man's trash is another man's treasure'... I just tend to see my stuff as trash and feel like I got no actual talent... But I'm trying my best to learn to think the opposite since it's not long when I felt like I should take down all my pieces, yet again, just end doing art completely... But well, I still wish to create stuff and it often requires artistic stuff, so I gotta just keep going I guess. I feel so sorry, even it's not my fault that I have this disorder... But I wanna thank you all for your kindness and understanding with this toward me!

[reflective-mage]

10-Card Tarot Spread for Beginners

A little bit of background before I show you to this spread: yes, I know it's a common spread, but I want to make my page more about the simple basics. From this I hope you gather inspiration and personalize this to you or whoever you're doing the spread for. This is the first spread I learned, and if your cards like it, a very accurate one at that. I'm actually going to be doing a hypothetical reading throughout this post, then a recap at the end of what the reading may look like step-by-step. That being said, here is the breakdown:

Overall, this spread is one to help you (or whoever the reading is on) familiarize yourself (themselves) with a question they have in mind, or just a reality check. The question shouldn't be yes or no (there are much better ways to go about those types of questions) but more open to interpretation.

Shuffling

As for almost all tarot readings, you will want whoever you're doing the reading for to shuffle the deck while thinking about their question that they're asking the cards.

The Spread

In this spread, there are 10 cards with independent meanings that are subject to change based on the context of the other cards. Keep in mind that if a card is drawn upside down, then the meaning of the cars itself is "reversed" (but not necessarily the exact opposite of its divinatory meaning). Here are the individual meanings first:

You as you are now. This card represents your current standing on the issue. For example, if you are drawn the Four of Pentacles, then it may mean that right now you have financial or material security, and even gain, maybe from hard work (a raise at your job), or maybe from inheritance, but there isn't any emotional or spiritual gain and can also show the effects from greed or selfishness.

What is blocking you. This card suggests some sort of obstacle preventing the best or most desired outcome from your situation. This could be figurative, emotional, or literal. For example, if the Death card is drawn here, do not panic, it may just say that there is a sudden, drastic change which you may not be taking well, or perhaps are in denial of. Overcoming this card is likely to get you a step closer to your end goal.

Distant Past. This is often a history or brief explanation of what happened to lead up to this moment. It may bring insight to a specific trait of your character, or provide some sort of explanation of why you're asking the cards the question you are. For example, if you're a rather closed off person, then Two of Swords in this placement would imply an emotional barrier you've put up to protect you from danger as you see it, and that if your heart once protected by these swords becomes exposed, the emotional damage from it could cause confusion, thus these barriers would need to be taken down slowly over time.

Recent Past. This shows recent factors contributing to your question. The term "recent" is completely objective, and this could have happened in the last hour or last decade, or anywhere in between, just recent enough to still be in the process of shaping you as a person. For example, the Ace of Cups in this position predicts the start of a relationship with the potential of true love and happiness, meaning you may have just met someone or gotten close to someone you may want to stick around.

Near Future. This card is practically the same as recent past, only in the future. The same objectivity applies that this card's prediction may happen as soon or distant as it may. For example, the Ten of Cups drawn here may mean that soon your journey may be finished, and you can breathe in peaceful air and feel the lasting calm of overcoming obstacles and earning your relaxation.

Distant Future. This placement in the spread often describes what sort of life you'll have once the near future has passed. This is, again, a suggestion on what it may look like, as Knight of Pentacles filling this role may look like you'll have a large project or assignment to do, requiring much of your time and energy later on in life.

Your inner self. The card representing your inner self shows who you are inside at your roots, despite how you present yourself or how the world sees you. For example, having the Nine of Wands as your 7th card shows that at your core, you may find obstacles and difficulties, but through your inner strength, stamina, and your will to continue on you overcome nearly any obstacle. It represents a strength we didn't know we have until it shows itself.

Environmental Factors. This card illustrates what happens in the world around you as you move toward your goal, as well as how it effects you. For example, drawing Justice here would show that you've noticed (subconsciously or consciencly) a natural law of cause and effect, and the Karma and Dharma after that. It's a reminder to answer for what you may have done wrong in the past, and for you to monitor your actions because they not only effect your future by direct causation, but the consequences of them (positive or negative) will always return to you.

Hopes, Dreams, and Fears. Here, the cards reveal or reenforce what you most desire and dread. For example, Page of Cups may find himself home here and show how youthful you can feel, as well as nearly impulsive from the wonder and excitement. He appears to remind you that in a world growing cold, believing in your dreams can bring warmth back, and add imagination back to the world. He could mean that you might be afraid to grow up and have to lock away your youth, but reminds you that you don't have to.

Potential Outcome. The potential outcome isn't a definitive yes or no, it just shows you a perspective of what the answer to your question could be. For example, the Four of Wands here would mean that you can look back on everything you've done and be proud of it, but it also says to never stop learning, growing, and living. This shows the easy flow of a balanced life, and appears when you have achieved a goal you've set for yourself.

Example Reading

Earlier in the post, I gave examples of what a card could mean in the context of its placement in the layout, and here is a potential conclusion based on that:

"It looks like from the environment you lived in, you saw people suffer from the consequences of their actions, and you've distances yourself a bit, and built up a barrier to protect yourself. Over time, you've met many people, but recently found one that you feel truly happy to be around, and the feelings are mutual. You enjoy that feeling of happiness, it reminds you of when you were young and full of wonder, but now that you've found yourself in a career or something that has brought you stability, but it was at the expense of your imagination and sense of wonder. But you'll overcome that, you always manage to overcome hardships. Your inner strength is reliable, and hasn't failed you yet. In this world, you need to make sure you're taking responsibility for your actions, because soon you'll finally be able to relax and breathe in a breath of fresh air, knowing you finished today's goal. You should be proud of your work today, yesterday, and tomorrow too, and remember to never stop growing, learning, and ultimately living, because you'll always have something new to work on and learn from, and you will always have that spark of imagination in you!"

In case you were wondering, in my tarot deck, The Medieval Scapini Tarot by Luigi Scapini, has "Coins" instead of "Pentacles" as a suit. I'm not sure why, it just does.

[the-fault-in-our-regards]

I'm sorry but, 1-100!! Love your blog x

eIs a kiss considered cheating? I personally think it is. 

Have you ever faked orgasm? Sort of. oh no. 

If you could have one superpower, what would it be? Telekinesis or reading minds? Maybe even flying.  

Do you think you are going to be rich in 7-8-9 years? I hope so. 

Tell us some funny drunk story. I have never been drunk!!

Why are you no longer together with your ex? He was a dick, oops. 

If you had to choose one way to die, what would it be?  Peacefully

What are your current goals? To truly be happy in life.

Do you like someone? I love someone o: 

Who was the last person to disappoint you? My parents. 

Do you like your body? Lol no

Can you keep a diet? I haven’t started one before. 

If the whole world listened to you right now, what would you say? Love each other conditionally, the world is going to shit. 

Do you work? Currently no. 

If you could choose only one food to eat to the rest of your life, what would it be? Oh my, uhm, hm. I DON’T KNOW. POTAOES. 

Would you get a tattoo? Yea, one day maybe. 

Something you don’t mind spending all your money on? Band merch.

Can you drive? Yea. 

When was the last time someone said you were beautiful? Yesterday 

What was the last thing you cried for? I cried over dogs? 

Do you keep a journal? Nope. 

Is life fun? It has it’s moments

Is farting in front of people irrelevant? I don’t mind, just don’t be obnoxious about it if you do do it.  

What’s your dream car? Haven’t thought about it. An Expensive one?

Are grades in school important? They don’t define a person, but sorta.

Describe your crush. He’s the best boy I’ve ever known and dated.

What was the last book/movie that really impressed you? The Lost City of Z (Really good movie!!)

What was your last lie? “Did you go and hangout with your bf” - No

Dumbest lie you ever told? That I was doing a project with my friends but I was seeing my then boyfriend. Stupidest decision I made 3 years ago. 

Is crying in front of people embarrassing? It is for me. 

31. Something you did and you are proud of? My photography!  (http://www.instagram.com/caitlin_channn) Check it out! 

What’s your favorite cocktail? Haven’t had alcohol. 

Something you are good at? Photography! 

Do you like small kids? Depends on how they act but yes. 

How are you feeling right now? Slightly tired. 

What would you name your daughter/son? Not sure yet! 

What do you need to be happy? Self love/acceptance 

Is there some you want to punch in the face right now? Myself?

What was the last gift you received? Doggos

What was the last gift you gave? A collage/drawing

What was the last concert you went to? Panic! At The Disco! 

Favorite place to shop at? Hot Topic. Oh no. 

Who inspires you? So many people? 

How old were you when you first got drunk? none

How old were you when you first got high? none

How old were you when you first had sex? 17

When was your first kiss? When I was 14, in 8th grade. 

Something you want to do until the end of this year? College decision.

Is there something in the past you wish you hadn’t done? Depression.

Post a selfie. Will do! 

Who are you most comfortable around? My boyfriend.  

Name one thing that terrifies you. Life. 

What kind of books do you read? Any kind! 

What would you tell your 12 year old self? Be happy with yourself.

What is your favorite flower? EVERY FLOWER

Any bad habits you have? I bite my nails.

What kind of people are you attracted to? Kind hearted souls

What was the last thing you cried for? The Office finale. 

Is there something you don’t eat? I can eat onions but I hate them.

Some food that truly disgust you? Onions, Asparagus, liver, ew.

Are you in love? yea. 

Something you find romantic? My boyfriend. 

How long was your longest relationship? like 11 months .-.

What are 3 things that irritate you about the same sex? 1. Many girls prioritize being skinny :( 2. Makeup? 3. Honestly everything. 

What are 3 things that irritate you about the opposite sex? 1. They think they have a higher pain tolerance level? lol no 2. They think that periods are always the cause. 3. Some guys are dicks in general. 

What are you saving money for? Future purchases in general. 

How would you describe your bad side? Scary but pretty sad. 

Are you actually a good person? Why? I’d like to think so/selfless person

What are you living for? Myself. 

Have you ever done anything illegal? Not that I know of. 

Have you ever made someone feel bad about themselves intentionally? I hope not, but I probably have? 

Ever sent nudes? yea, I have.

Have you ever cheated on someone? NEVER

Favorite candy? Kit kat, Hershey cookies and cream, ALL CHOCOLATE 

Is there a blog you visit every day, or almost every day? Tag it!

Do you play any computer games? Undertale a long time ago.  

What is your favorite game? hmm, Wii Sports. 

Favorite TV series? I have so many, oh goodness. Supernatural, Stranger Things, Sherlock, Game of Thrones, Orange is the New Black, Doctor Who, Black Mirror, THE OFFICE, and many more. I have too many ;-;

Are you religious? Not really. 

Does God exist? I’m not sure? 

What was the last book you read? Did it impress you and why? Tenth of December by George Saunders, quite a good book! 

What do you think about vegetarianism/veganism? I don’t mind it. 

How long have you been on Tumblr? 5 years! 

Do you like Chinese food? Well I am half Chinese so yes! 

McDonalds or Subway? Vodka or whiskey? Alcohol or drugs?

Ever been out of your province/state/country? Hong Kong!

Meaning behind your blog name? The fault in our stars!

What are you scared of? Death and spiders? 

Last time you were insulted? Every now and then on Tumblr. 

Most traumatic experience? Depression. 

Perfect date idea? Honestly, just having a good time is ideal!

Favorite app on your phone? Instagram/Snapchat/Facebook messenger

What color are the walls in your room? Light light pink

Do you watch Youtube? Who is your favourite youtuber? I HAVE TOO MANY, AHHHHH

Share your favourite quote. “There’s a lot of beauty in ordinary things. Isn’t that kind of the point?” - Pam Beasley.

What is the meaning of life? To make lemonade when you’re handed lemons? What else? 

Do you like horror movies? YES.

Have you ever made your mum cry? What happened? Eh, no? 

Do you feel lucky or special in a way? Yea! 

Can you keep a secret? Of course. 

Thank you! 

[bosskie]

Another Molluck Study Night

Man, I just felt like I gotta learn from my mistakes I did with my previous sketches/studies, so I tried a different approach, meaning basically thinking differently while drawing but well, I also spent a few hours on this since I wanted to take a closer look at Molluck's shapes. It feels like I finally could draw 'anatomically correct' Molluck, meaning that I feel like I drew his body in a correct way.

I just feel like I tend to draw him too muscular or his shoulders are too wide since they are actually kinda narrow. I don't actually wanna make his body any different that it is, it's perfect as it is! Frankly, I feel like it seems somewhat usual for Gluk-enjoyers to make them have more 'normal bodies'. I don't personally really like Molluck having 'a normal body' since I love his 'odd body'! He just doesn't feel right with that 'normal body'... It's not him for me. Though yes, his body can restrict him significantly but I wanna love him with those restrictions. I feel kinda alone with loving his body like it is, like having zero changes and/or additions.

Man, it's still always interesting to see how people like to have Molluck. Like today (yesterday), I happened to find one more person who has done Molluck self-insert stuff and it was something different. The person seems to be no longer active and that post was done like two years ago, which was kinda the last year of 'Golden Molluck Years'; I mean, back then was just more people loving Molluck, creating/posting stuff about him etc. I can never forget one Twitter profile... It was private though and I feel like it's too NSFW to say here what that profile had written on it... But that person seemed to want badly Molluck's non-existing D... Nothing wrong with that, I'm just the opposite with this, that's why no changes are needed for me... Just interesting that I seem to be quite alone with this...

But yeah, that person I just found seemed to picture Molluck as 'a paternal figure' (and also made him have 'a normal body'). Frankly, when I have been having some thoughts about raising a family with Molluck (= adopting a Gluk baby) for fun, I just cannot see Molluck as a parent, though I don't see myself as one either... I'm only into how Gluks grow up, what like they even look as little etc. so it more like feels like being a scientist than a parent if I had adopted a Gluk... So, nope. I also do not see Molluck as 'a daddy', also because it's not what I'm into. Like I have said many times before, I do see myself in him, so this makes me see us having equal 'roles' in my self-insert stuff. Though, yeah, this can vary depending on the situation/thing but mainly for 'natural reasons', like related to his body or wealth. I also just wish to take care of Molluck since he does need help but I also do not wish to do every single thing for him, I do not wish to be his valet, so yeah, luckily he got Sligs (too). But I love to think about things like washing him since I also care about his well-being. He is free to smoke though... He probably has quite strong cigar smell on him but I feel like it wouldn't be a problem for me, maybe would even enjoy it. I have been joking that there is no need to develop a scent for Molluck, like I have seen some scents developed for fictional characters, since you can just get a cigar and smell that! Yeah, that's basically what I have done... Bought a cigar just because of Molluck!

But yeah, I just have been trying to say that I do like to do the things in my way and it can annoy me when the things ain't done in that way... So yeah, I feel Molluck... I can be bossy and intimidating, even I have no intention to be like that. I guess that you can get it why I have no interest in seeing Molluck as 'a daddy'... Actually, if I could have chosen like any name for my account here, I would have chosen something like 'your boss'... I just enjoy boss stuff, being called a boss etc. and it's been so for a long time. I'm not being totally serious with my stuff, like this boss stuff is also about me having fun.

Oh, and I wanna be clear about that I don't wanna judge the other 'Molluck enjoyers', I'm only curious and wanna share my thoughts on how differently Molluck can be seen! I bet that it also just reflects the person itself, like I do see Molluck in a different way because I see myself in him versus a person who doesn't see themself in him. Just enjoy Molluck like you want but yes, you are also free to hate him! It's kinda odd when it comes to fictional loves, that you just can never really 'own' that character like a real person, meaning that there is just one 'version' of that real person while there are 'multiple copies' of that fictional character, many people being able to do self-insert stuff about them. I mean, yes, it can feel odd to see Molluck being like that with someone else but I'm also just interested in seeing how people see him since, like I have said, I have seen no one else seeing Molluck like I do, referring mainly to how I want him...

Also, I feel like the reason why I even want Molluck, why I love him this much, is different from what the others have since it's that I see myself in him; only after that his appearance caught my attention too, like I have said many times before. Maybe this is also the reason why I seem to be 'the only one who survived' from those 'Golden Molluck Years' since barely anyone else does Molluck content these days. My love for Molluck is just deep and true, and I feel like my love for him just keeps growing, I love him more than ever now! Everyone is free to love him for whatever reason but I'm just unable to love/want someone just for the appearance, it must be about something deep(er). I honestly don't know what makes Molluck hot for the others... So yeah, it's actually confusing for me to see that many people thinking that Molluck is hot... I just don't understand stuff like this in general since yeah, like I have said, I'm quite 'immune to appearance stuff', don't even know when someone is 'charismatic'... Man, sometimes I feel like I'm somehow broken when I seem to differ so often from the others, in many ways, but well, I'm just one odd creature. I have just grown up getting called 'odd' and it might be one of the reasons why I have developed self-hatred...

Man, I just can write so much about Molluck 'n' stuff related to him... But yeah, I don't mind being quite alone with being a Molluck content creator. I keep him loved, hugged, and kissed!