aintnobutterflygirl

[aintnobutterflygirl]

April 9, 2023

Matt: Or idk I'm all scrambled with this dude (1:44 am)

Emily will you please talk to me (9:10 pm)

April 10, 2023

Matt: Why won't you talk to me (11:52 am)

Dude it's been a full day (2:05 pm)

Alright what ever don't talk to me (7:59 pm)

Glad to know how you feel about me (8:40 pm)

April 11, 2023

Matt: You suck dude won't even respond to my phone calls my text messages it's like you don't even care about me anymore? (9:03 am)

Like why even do that whole fucking Easter bunny thing pretending to love me when you pull this shit on me? I don't even know if you killed your self or not

I think I'm done clearly you can't give a fuck about me anymore (9:30 am)

April 20, 2023

Me: Are you unhappy that I'm out of the hospital? (7:02 pm)

If you don't want to see or talk to me anymore, at least have the decency to tell me now

Matt: Emily I want you to know that I want you in my life as much as possible and I know you're scared of losing me but I just wanted to say that things will get better between us (8:05 pm)

And I want you too also know that in no way do I hate you or think you are a burden but I just need to time to feel more comfortable around you again

I miss you and I'm excited to see you tomorrow night

Me: I am trying to understand how you're feeling. (10:03 am)

But it's also hard through text because I can't hear tone, can't see your expression, can't read your body language. I do understand that you need time, and I want to give you that. I am trying, and I know I annoy you sometimes when I don't necessarily trust you, but that's just how I am with everyone. I was raised to believe that I was never good enough for anyone and that whenever a friend wanted to get together, it's because they felt obligated, not because they actually wanted to.

So I always want to make sure people around me are actually comfortable, not just saying so.

[aintnobutterflygirl]

August 23, 2022

Matt: Hey I'm all done let's hang out )7:18 pm)

Go to the bank parking lot

Matt: Emilyyyyyyy (7:27 pm)

Matt: Just saw that (pictures of deer, 7:47 pm)

Matt: Emily where are you (7:57 pm)

Matt: Okay well I guess tonight can't work so I'll head home (8:14 pm)

Me: I made other plans cause you clearly didn't want to see me to begin with (8:14 pm)

Matt: What the hell Emily (8:15)

Fine what the hell ever fuck it

You know I may have taken to much time and that's my fault but even for you that's petty and I feel really hurt

I wanted to see you so much this hurts dude

Matt: Like I told you I'd let you know when I'm done there like I didn't make you wait in your car or left you hanging (8:54 pm)

Idk I'm just so lost on why this even happened

Matt: Thank you for ignoring me for the rest of the night (10:19 pm)

I'll just go fuck myself

August 24, 2022

Me: 95% of the time when we hangout you want it to happen as soon as possible. Like 5:30 - 6:00. That's when it usually happens. So I was ready to go at 5, cause I've missed you so much and been looking forward to seeing you all day. All week really. And then at 6 you said you had to go deliver weed to Cam. Yeah it's my fault for assuming that 'deliver' meant drop off, but it honestly pissed me off. After an hour and a half I was like at this point it's pretty clear he doesn't want to see me tonight. (12:44 am)

Idk what to say dude. You're hurt, I'm hurt, I feel like at this point there's no point in even explaining my point of view cause you're just not gonna get it.

Matt: Dude I didn't even get home till 450 ish had to help in the garden go shower get weed go to cams which I got there around 620 talked to cam for a bit left at like 710ish texted you and waited until like 820 then you texted me that (7:58 am)

I'm sorry that I got caught up with cam but it hurts way more to know that you don't think that I want to see you

Makes me feel sad af when you say stuff like that i miss you everyday and i want to see you everyday

Me: But ultimately I'm sorry that you're hurt, I'm sorry that I upset you. I never want to do that to you even on accident (8:09 am)

And yeah I feel that way, you know I feel that way and have shitty self esteem and paranoia and most of the time feel like to be honest feel like you're just using me cause honestly I can't think of any other reason you'd want to be around me, so in my mind it makes sense

In my mind you're at your buddies house taking your time cause you're probably telling him how dumb I am and how much you don't want to see me, but you do feel obligated to, and that's why you want to drag out your visit, so you'd have as little time with me as possible. I know that may sound lame but this is the type of shit I tell myself

Matt: I want you around because I love you emily you make any day I see you 100x better (8:13 am)

When ever I talk about you all I ever have to say is that I love her a lot and seeing her makes me happy

And then we talk about video games and stuff we could do to our trucks and places to find to live in maine

Like I have never bad mouthed you to anyone you are the most important thing in my life emily

Me: It's so hard for me to believe that, even when you tell me. I'm just like ok, he must be horny, or want something from me. (8:38 am)

I was also upset last night because I have to work an extra long shift today and I knew I would be super tired, so I was planning on heading home around 9, and was kinda pissed/sad when I realized we would only get an hour and a half with each other

After not seeing you for a week, that sucks, and it pissed me off

Matt: I'm sorry emily can we see each other soon (9:12am)

Me: I don't think I'll be able to see you until Sunday :( (10:56 am)

Unless we make it a really quick 15-20 minute visit tomorrow

It's not that I don't want to, please don't think that. It's just bad timing. My schedule is super shitty this week.

Matt: Dude if we can do the 15-20 min thing that would be awesome I just hate this feeling I have right now and I need to see you to get it out (12:02 pm)

Me: I know we're technically not a couple, but I'm gonna be honest with you. I was 100% convinced last night that you wanted nothing to do with me. And I was angry, and felt sad. So I hooked up with another guy. And maybe that's no big deal to you, but it's the first time I've been with anyone but you since last September. And I didn't think it would matter, cause I know you hook up with other girls, and like I said, I didn't think you'd really give a shit enough about me to care. But today I feel really bad about it, and sad about it, and I kind feel like I cheated on you honestly. (2:34 pm)

And maybe I shouldn't feel that way, maybe that's just me being dumb. But right now I feel like I've made a huge mistake and it feels terrible

Matt: Dude I wish you could understand but I don't hookup with other girls ever the most I've gone in term of hooking up was getting head for an oz of weed one time like 5 months ago women don't like me I'm uninteresting and quite frankly women scare the fuck out of me talking to them makes me feel off and it drives me crazy the way I feel sometimes especially with girls who are closer in my age cause I act so much older than I actually am (4:02 pm)

Me: Which is one of the things I love about you. You're fucking cool and interesting and into your own shit. You're not a sheep. You're knowledgeable about so many things. Never in my life would I imagine I'd be in my 30s able to carry on an interesting conversation with someone who was 19, or 20, or 21. You don't give a shit about the trends, or care about clout or try to be a dumb gangster fag or whatever. You're you and you're funny, and naturally sweet, and it's awesome, I love that you don't act your age, I wish more guys your age would act older cause it's a huge turn on to be respectful and intelligent

Matt: Like don't even get me stared on some of these whores I would love to see dead my buddy Zach his landlords wife or what ever Jesus Christ (4.15 pm)

I've never wanted to slap a bitch so much before

And I know so many like her that just irritate the absolute fucking shit out of me

But you are so much more enjoyable to be around emily it's like night and day you make me feel good and alive for once

Me: I'm sorry Matt, I'm sorry I was dumb, I'm sorry I doubted you and I'm sorry I have dumb paranoid brain (4:20 pm)

Matt: It's not all your fault emily I'm not mad or upset just mostly sad (4:28 pm)

Me: I'm sad too (5:15 pm)

I want to kiss you really softly on the forehead, move my way down to your nose then slowly and really softly kiss your lips. And tell you how much you mean to me. And hold you so tight.

Matt: That would be so nice right now emily (5:18 pm)

August 25, 2022

Me: I didn't have a back up plan, it was a last minute decision. I didn't end up sleeping at all Tuesday night so I was fucked yesterday. I can definitely see how it would seem like I purposely went out and fucked a guy just to spite you and puss you off, but it absolutely wasn't like that. *puss you off (11:19 am)

You have no idea how much I have been missing you and absolutely just craving you these past few days. Not just sexually, but like lovey dovey. I've been pretty much drooling thinking about you, like anime heart eyes. I was really disappointed that I couldn't see you on Monday, but I understood. All day on Tuesday I was so excited. And then I just felt so let down. I felt like you didn't care. (11:56 am)

It's easier to explain in person and I will later, but I absolutely was not doing anything to spite you. I felt like you were unconsciously doing things to try and tell me that you weren't interested.

Matt: I know and I'm sorry a lot had happened between the time I saw cam last. So I was talking to him and brother a lot and lost track of time (11:58 am)

Me: I get that, I realize now I over reacted, and I'm sorry (11:58 am)

Matt: And thank you for proving me wrong about what I was thinking earlier I feel better (11:58 am)

Me: I've been in so many relationships in the past that were abusive physically but also mentally, and my exes would do so much shady shit with my mind and sometimes I overthink things. And I'm like ok, this is a sign, that he's feeling this way (12:00 pm)

Matt: Dude I'm not very clever with how I operate in life but I don't do other stuff other than smoke a bunch of weed and play video games and hangout with my friends (12:02 pm)

I don't like talking behind other peoples back and doing thing behind others if I have something to say to you that matters I'm gonna say it

Me: You are clever though, that's the thing (12:17 pm)

Matt: Enough to get by (1:39 pm)

Me: Well I told Brennan that I was mean to you and you were mad at me so I was gonna see you whether he liked it or not (3:40 pm)

Matt: What did he say to that? (3:51 pm)

Me: (sent a picture of myself (5:42 pm)

My hair is gross and greasy and I nees a shower just so you're aware that I'm a mess, don't judge

I basically haven't slept since Monday and I don't have the energy to do anything so I've just been a gross troll these past few days

Matt: lol okay I'm gonna head on over now (6:19 pm)

Me: Matt I love you and want to always be there for you (10:08 pm)

I'm sorry I made you sad, hopefully when we see each other this weekend we will have more time to spend with each other because I feel like I just have to hold you for a long time

Matt: Dude please just laying my head on your shoulder I wanted to fall asleep so much (10:40 pm)

Me: I felt so comfortable and my body just wanted to melt into you (11:20 pm)

August 26, 2022

Matt: I miss you emily I need so much more love from you (5:40 am)

Me: After seeing you last night I finally was mentally relaxed enough to get some sleep and now I feel all lovey dovey and overwhelmingly snuggly like I had been before Tuesday. Like I just want to rock you like a baby and smother you with kisses (8:12 am)

Matt will you be my little baby boy (11:33 am)

Can I nuzzle your nose like a puppy wrapped up in a fuzzy blanket and tell you how adorable you are and kiss your belly and fall asleep smiling while admiring you

Matt: Please emily I wanna cuddle all night in your arms (11:56 am)

[aintnobutterflygirl]

“It’s kinda pointless to fight for what you want when what you want continues to break your heart.”

— Molly McAdams

[aintnobutterflygirl]

[aintnobutterflygirl]

“I hope you’ll see me one day and see who I’ve become. I hope regret steals your breath.”

— Jess Amelia

[aintnobutterflygirl]

Joanna Glenn, from her novel titled "All My Mothers," originally published in 2021

[aintnobutterflygirl]

Clarice Lispector, Água Viva

[aintnobutterflygirl]

Joanna Glenn, from her novel titled "All My Mothers," originally published in 2021

[aintnobutterflygirl]

Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up.

― Neil Gaiman, The Kindly Ones

[aintnobutterflygirl]

Redman beast mode

[aintnobutterflygirl]

Trista Mateer, from Small Ghost: Poems; "Small Ghost Doesn't Feel Good,"

[aintnobutterflygirl]

— Louise L. Hay

[aintnobutterflygirl]

[aintnobutterflygirl]

— I Guess the Old You is a Ghost (#589: June 25, 2014)

[aintnobutterflygirl]

[aintnobutterflygirl]

“What I want back is what I was.“ 

-Sylvia Plath

[aintnobutterflygirl]

Simone de Beauvoir, from "Inseraparable: A Never Before Published Novel,"