#this being my top song is so fucked up on a meta level that it becomes funny

[elytrafemme]

i’ll post more later but call me #committed because despite it releasing in late october my top song of 2024 was life of a spider (draft) by halsey and i was in top 0.001% of listeners

[pixelkip]

Hey u wanna see how hard I can ramble about homestuck classpects AND hazy river character analysis at the same time?? Too bad!! You will!!

SO holy fuck I've been trying to come up with homestuck classpects for Annie and garcello for the LONGEST time and Annie has ALWAYS been a problem area for me cause of her lack of real story and canon characterization

Garcello imo is a rogue of doom, the rogue class steals their aspect for the betterment of others and well.... "stealing doom" in a way for someone else's benefit is literally exactly what he does in seos!! And the description of a doom player's personality really does fit him!! Easy right?

But then Annie. Oh my fucking gog

She has almost 0 canon dialogue and little to no story. The only instances of her even talking were the butter comic and snowed in. We might have some backstory shit that's been shared around before and Drowning of course but other than that she doesn't have much of a real storyline.

I've discussed this on discord and a lot of ideas were thrown around like maybe void, for her aspect, which does fit in a meta sense considering all beyond-surface-level characterization for her is pretty hard to find or completely unknown, and I've thought about either time or hope or rage being her aspect based on personality descriptions and her weaponizing rage in her liquid form but none seemed to really fit perfectly for her, especially when trying to pick a class.

(Before you bring up seos with lyrics as much as I ADORE how Annie is acted in it holy fuck dude it still gives me chills it is not canon)

Then it fucking hit me. Hope is literally perfect in a meta sense (and I'm operating on homestuck logic so I'm allowed to do that hehehhehe)

How we perceive Annie as a character is based a ton on fanon. Ideas like her having self esteem issues, for example, were extrapolated by fandom because of Good Enough being her first song. The butter comic, the first of only 2 times she's spoken in any official capacity, came from THE FANDOM MAKING SHIT UP and then anne making a comic based on it. Other bits of characterization from discord were gleaned from THE FANDOM ACTIVELY WANTING IT.

The hope aspect in homestuck is strongly connected with believing in something so hard it becomes real. This is seen with Jake's creation of brain ghost dirk, and eridan making a plain ass wand and then believing it's some powerful God weapon, and then it actually being powerful

Do. Do you see what I'm getting at here. Her whole character is heavily based in what we think it is based on what little we have. If that doesn't make her being a hope player fucking perfect i don't know what does.

As for class tho I'm a little bit stumped. I'm feeling like maybe witch since the 2 most prominent witches in homestuck do remind me a lot of her, personality-wise. They're also characters who have a particularly strong connection with the magic and power their classpect gives them. Jade's been experiencing the weird magicy shit that relates to her role within sburb and homestuck's narrative her whole life. Feferi's biggest move as the witch of life is very personal to her, talking to the horrorterrors to create the dream bubbles was only possible cause of her existing connection to a similar creature, being her lusus.

And annies liquid, while already being just a badass magical tool by itself, feels an awful lot like an extension of her energetic, over-the-top personality. Just more violent. The fact it canonically makes her more animalistic and instinctual just carries on her existing animal theming.

Also hope has a lotta religious theming and Annie has been connected with imagery of devil horns a LOT. Just thought that was neat.

Annieway tldr after over a year of thinking about this and having an epiphany watching a laureledeevees video about Jake English and lots of wiki and extended zodiac reading.. Garcello is a rogue of doom and Annie is a witch of hope

Disclaimer I am not the best at classpecting ik to people ho do this a lot I probably interpreted some stuff weirdly please don't murder me sjgjkdjgkdjf

[mapsofnonexistentplacesremade]

OK activating music autism pick one band to associate to each character + bonus unrelated question do they have a fav color and if they do what is it

colors image first i was gonna do everyone but i got bored

AND MUSIC AUTISM YIPPEE

dalisays always been like industrial metal kind of guy to me with delves into jazz and ambient music... but ive also always had the association between hir and liquid tension experiment just for songs like paradigm shift and universal mind and i think thats also befitting. intense instrumental prog metal but also occasional sillyness. sometimes theres random ragtime and circus music. just for fun. fuck it

somsak i just associate with generic ska bands because. he is in one canonically. saying less than jake because thats the funniest one i can think of off the top of my head

freya olzhas and isel i will group together into two associations. first is haken which is just because i think like. the presentation in albums like affinity and virus match the threes attitude and motivations in the story and their songs usually have this big grandiose but also bitter tone. and also there are many songs about just like divorce in their discography which reminds me of Those Two Old Men. second association is just dream theater plainly because it also has that grandiose melodrama aspect to it and because it inspired a lot of cassiopeia band stuff in terms of how theyd sound.... overall these threes connection to prog metal has like a lot of meta backbone ive been trying to explain it to myself for a while but its very abstract lol.

tangentially olzhas has garnered a lot of ninch influence. ninfluence. over these past few months and i genuinely have reasons for it but also saying "this happened just because its really funny to me" works. faris also has this kind of

uhhhh ulises and peixin kind of share a band association in my mind but for like wildly different reasons lol. that being mars volta. in ulises' case its much more of a 'oh this is music she'd listen to' and on a canonical meta level that connection comes in the form of like. very mild backstory stuff being inspired by either the actual guys in the band or by the frances the mute album. but their music doesnt really influence her active arc in the story so to speak. with peixin its the precise opposite as their entire character campaign was based on deloused in the comatorium (and also the haken album visions but thats another thing!!!!!!!) and they mostly retain things from the in-album character cerpin taxt, mainly a lot of the surrealistic horror and paranoia springing from him...

demeter is weird.... i honestly think the most apt artist i can throw up is kate bush just because a lot of her songs have like this distilled dreamy air thats very classical prog esque and i think thats just like a good encapsulation of their presence. similarly a lot of beatrix's arc is about reminiscing on the past and all kinds of skeuomorphism and also just social observation. which cements king crimson as my association for her....

i think i woke up one day and decided valerie was gonna be a fan of tool and thats just stayed consistent over the months for no good reason. but i do think it matches her attitude as like. simultaneously being very complex philosophical and esoteric whilst also being very tired and contemptful a lot of the time.

marjolaine haaaas a tenuous connection with everything everything in my mind but i dont think i can really explain it. mazin has connections to both btbam and coheed just because those bands made a few songs that HEAVILY inspired his creation. i cant think of anything for sabri off the top of my head

[inamindfarfaraway]

My ideas:

More worldbuilding about Clivesdale, its culture and perception of its “sister city” and their rivalry. For example, my headcanons are that Clivesdale is overall higher income and has better schools (and are really proud of their academics, hence the weirdly scientific school sports team theme of the Chemists); and the typical attitude is pretending not to have any disdain for Hatchetfield, but actually just being passive-aggressive about it.

Unlike a lot of Romeo and Juliet-inspired star-crossed-lovers stories, here multiple deaths could absolutely make sense.

Isn’t it interesting that Hatchetfield is such an important nexus of the supernatural, and yet the town right across the bridge is apparently perfectly normal (school sports team names aside)? Maybe something big happened to divide them, long ago. Something PEIP or its predecessors covered up. Something that quarantined the mystical and Lovecraftian dangers on an island, saving the mainland, but intensifying the looming threats to Hatchetfield. It could even have involved a genuine wrong done by at least one Clivesdaler, the root of the schism, in the name of freeing Clivesdale from the Lords in Black’s influence, that would explain the Hatchetfielders’ tradition of extreme hatred if they could remember it. If the Witchwood can seal in magic and imprison evil entities by using the souls of dead people with a touch of the Gift, perhaps blood was spilled on the Nantucket Bridge? Something something Clivesdale’s association with science originated as a deliberate contrast to Hatchetfield’s association with the supernatural and mystery.

To emphasise the contrast, the Chemist girl’s scenes in her hometown are completely mundane, romantic comedy teen movie story beats with loving, if strict and misguided, parents and concerned and loyal, but overly protective friends. It’s a star-crossed romance the way High School Musical is. The scenes in Hatchetfeld have a darker, more serious tone and hints to lore, and the feud is over-the-top vitriol. The towns are different genres.

A love song by the Chemist girl, with or without the boy, that uses an extended “chemistry” metaphor. It’s powerful. It’s dangerous. It has so much potential for good. It could set off a disastrous chain reaction. She could get burned. But then again, what is a Chemist if not someone willing to take those risks?

Likewise, early on the boy’s teammate gives him a warning with the allegory of chequer-tailed nighthawks being endemic to the island and not able to thrive anywhere else. They’re endangered. And as the plot thickens, it becomes clear to the audience that the human Nighthawks are too. Think about the implications!

We can’t not have a “Fuck Clivesdale? Okay!” joke when the lovers get intimate.

A Lord in Black enacting some evil scheme is a subplot that the characters understand very little of. The better established main characters of the franchise make cameo appearances and are implied to be the heroes of a more conventional Hatchetfield story in the background, while the Lord’s influence grows and exacerbates the events that cause all the deaths. But when his machinations directly threaten the lovers, the girl manages to evade them shut them all down because she doesn’t play by any horror/apocalypse/mind control story rules. She is so antithetical to the tropes, narratives and very concept of Hatchetfield that she just breaks a typical Hatchetfield story. Like Paul being antithetical to the Hive on a similarly meta level in TGWDLM. The retreating Lord can muster only two words: “Fuck Clivesdale!”

There can still be a sad ending if the boy, enmeshed in the “special place” of Hatchetfield, dies due to the inverse. Clivesdale is normal. Hatchetfield is inherently a setting for tragedy. The climax can occur on the bridge in a parallel to the event that started the feud. But only one of the kids makes it across. What belongs to Hatchetfield can’t leave it forever, as Emma and Paul prove. The nightmare time already caught you.

If that happens, the girl’s arc can end like Maria’s in West Side Story. After rejecting the feud as pointless the whole time and promising to never stop fighting it, only to go through the Horrors as a visitor, barely survive and losing her first love, she stares back across the bridge, heartbroken and exhausted. She goes home in shock. Her oblivious parents ask her what happened. Thousand-yard-stare hardening, she says bitterly, “Fuck Hatchetfield”. Her parents, assuming her boyfriend lived up to their expectations, nod sympathetically. “Fuck ‘em.”

romeo and juliet story of a girl from clivesdale and a boy from hatchetfield

[idiopath-fic-smile]

GIRL WITH A BUZZCUT 🤘🤘🤘

YESSSSS (for reference, my version of the song lives here)

like i said, i felt some pressure writing my version of this one since in-universe it's the title track of the first album and the song Eddie at one point describes as the most personal, etc etc. this was also the first time i deliberately sat down and said, "yep, writing a song about a Stranger Things fanfic, on purpose this time."

i tried to write it in accordance with the fic description—song about El, starts quiet and then gets louder, deliberately variable in volume. i actually asked @greatunironic for any guidance she wanted to share and she referenced the Pearl Jam songs Jeremy and Alive. (i hope that had some impact on my approach; i was definitely aware as i was writing, how little like Pearl Jam i sound, haha.)

i think the weakest aspect of the song is the lack of specificity in the lyrics. i didn't rewatch Stranger Things to double-check some details that would've been helpful, like i couldn't remember what El's childhood lessons actually covered beyond presumably trying to harness the telekinesis and so on. as i recall, the kids have to teach her words like "pretty" and "friend" so presumably her non-supernatural education was limited.

i've thought a lot about Eddie in the fic describing "Girl With a Buzzcut" as his most personal song, and here is my elaborate justification for that:

hop aboard the headcanon express!

i think my iteration of the song is fundamentally about being dealt a very bad hand by life, at a time when you don't really have the tools to react in a healthy way, and trying frantically to find any path forward. this is already stuff that Eddie might relate to, within the confines of Stranger Things the show—having to grow up fast in some ways, being treated as dangerous. and then when you factor in The Most Remarkable Thing 'verse Eddie coming of age as queer in the late eighties/early nineties, i think that sense of you vs most of the world could really resonate, consciously or not. having to unlearn or reject everything the authorities have told you about yourself. being really fucking angry about it. carving out your own space and your own way to make sense of everything, more or less from scratch.

(Eddie in The Most Remarkable Thing had his name taken away, too, albeit in a different way, with the witsec alias.)

"fate is a four-letter word" = the notion that there is a place in the narrative El is "meant" to occupy (in her case: child soldier who is someone else's tool) and she is disregarding that. also that Eddie has a narrative purpose among people in Hawkins (satanic scapegoat) and he needs to find a way to move beyond that. (and on a more meta level, the fact that he dies in Stranger Things canon and we have all collectively said: Nah.)

i also think that it might feel more personal because it's about a friend of Eddie's, which i guess is paradoxical, but like. speaking only for myself, i don't really fret about putting autobiographical details in songs i write because it's just me. if a stranger walks away knowing more about me, i'm fine with that, i can handle it. writing a song for someone else can feel a lot more vulnerable because there is this profound sense of wanting to get it right, wanting to do them and their experiences justice and that can be super intimidating.

the line that i had a hard time singing in a level voice was "concentrate, now this might hurt a bit" because jesus, what a thing to say to a kid. it's not like riding a bike where there is some guaranteed pain but ultimately the trade-off is more freedom and mobility for the kid. it's "we have an agenda, and in accordance with that agenda, mitigating your pain is not our top priority." for the good of whoever we say this stuff is for the good of.

"every monster on your list is gonna be interred" = waaay at the end of the song, me suddenly remembering that the fic explicitly mentions that the lyrics refer to her fighting monsters. you win some, you lose some.

[fresh-prince-of-denmark]

Cyberpunk 2077 Literary Analysis Pt 7: Leave me Alone, Hemingway, You’re Supposed to be Dead

Surprise bitch I bet you thought you’d seen the last of me.

Cyberpunk spoilers ahead!

Cyberpunk meta literary analysis masterpost here 

Okay, so I thought I would be done with this, but it kinda feels like Hemingway has me by the left asscheek and won’t let me go as of late. So here we are: Cyberpunk literature meta-analysis part 7: For Whom the Bell Tolls

Hemingway comes up a few times in Cyberpunk, too many times to ignore. It’s not surprising, really. We know that Johnny is actually a pretty well-read guy from some of his passing comments, and if I had to guess, he’d probably really connect to Hemingway. In fact, if you play Johnny’s ending with Rogue, the final quest is called “For Whom the Bell Tolls” (which is also cool since it keeps the theme of all the missions being song titles, as this is also a Metallica song). But for once, this analysis isn’t entirely about Johnny or V. Hopefully this rings a bell (pun intended), as we’re very explicitly told who else really connected to Hemingway.  

Jackie Wells.

During the quest Heroes, Mama Wells will ask you to go through Jackie’s garage to find something for the ofrenda. One option is a book, For Whom the Bell Tolls by Earnest Hemingway. Misty will comment that he used to read it before a big job, and that it was important to him. If you choose to bring the book for the ofrenda, V will “read from the book” (I put this in quotes because the passage they read has actually been misattributed, it is a Hemingway quote, but not from FWTBT, rather from another of his works titled “Men at War”):

“When you go to war as a boy, you have a great illusion of immortality. Other people get killed, not you... Then, when you are badly wounded the first time, you lose that illusion, and you know it can happen to you.”

The majority of our main characters start out as The Fool, naive and feeling like they’re on top of the world, the kind of hubris that can only come with youth. Yet, like Hemingway says, it takes a bullet to give one a dose of reality.

For Whom the Bell Tolls is a story of war. Our protagonist, Robert Jordan (I’d be really interested to know if Johnny’s birth name, Robert John Linder, was inspired by this), leaves his cushy job as a college instructor in the United States to join the Republican side in the Spanish Civil War. Robert begins the novel fairly bland; he has no real friends, no real family, and he feels completely disconnected from the world. In all honesty, he’s boring. Like, if wet cardboard were a person. He doesn’t really care if he lives or dies, not because he’s a badass, but because he really doesn’t have anything to lose. No passion, no connections, nothing he loves that ties him to this earth despite the fact that he is a man of such strong convictions that he willingly joins this war. Robert is tasked with destroying a bridge, meeting comrades of varying philosophies along the way, who become a kind of found family to him. Despite going out of his way to avoid making connections, he falls in love, not just with the love interest Maria, but with his friends, finally giving him something worth fighting for, something connecting him to this life. The novel concludes as the group finally blow up the bridge (a task done in vain, since the Republican side has ultimately sustained more losses than the Fascists), and Robert is injured. He convinces the others to leave him behind so he can buy them time to escape. The novel ends just as it begins; our protagonist lying in wait in a forest, gun in hand, “heart to the ground,” on a bed of pine needles. (For more on cycles/mirrors/reflections, see here).

While there’s a much larger political message here that could parallel the themes of Cyberpunk, I want to focus more on the philosophical side, as it ties in with my previous analysis much more coherently. The biggest theme of this novel is about how interpersonal relationships are what matter most in this life, which is summarized very nicely by the poem by John Donne which not only lends the novel it’s name, but serves as it’s opening epitaph:

No man is an island,

Entire of itself.

Each is a piece of the continent,

A part of the main.

If a clod be washed away by the sea,

Europe is the less.

As well as if a promontory were.

As well as if a manor of thine own

Or of thine friend's were.

Each man's death diminishes me,

For I am involved in mankind.

Therefore, send not to know

For whom the bell tolls,

It tolls for thee.

This poem and the overall meaning of the book work on two levels. The most obvious is that we all die one day, that mortality is fleeting. But on another level, No man is an island. Our identity is tied within our communities, those that love us, and those we live for. “Therefore, send not to know/For whom the bell tolls/It tolls for thee.” Each time a person dies, a piece of all those who loved them dies with them. Funerals are not just for the deceased, but for us, a chance to bury the pieces of ourselves that died with them. “Each is a piece of the continent/Apart of the main/If a clod be washed away by the sea/Europe is the less.”

Johnny is incredibly similar to Robert Jordan. Despite knowing a lot of people and having a lot of connections, Johnny is not particularly loved, and that feeling is mutual. He even tells V that they are the only person who knows him that that doesn’t hate his guts. Both Robert and Johnny are men who base their morals and identity solely on principal and ideals; standing up for what is right, fighting against oppression, rebellion, but that passion is not borne from interpersonal relationships and connections. It is made of hate of the world, not love of their fellow man. This leads to one of Johnny’s fatal flaws; he did not fear death, because he did not feel as if he had anything to lose. He was consumed and driven by hate, not love, leading to all of his failed relationships. Had Johnny something to lose, he may not have taken all of the stupid the risks he did, acting as if he did not care about his own life.

V, in many ways, parallels Maria, Robert’s love interest in the novel. While Robert salvation lies in the love he has for all of his newfound friends, the main focus is on the love interest, Maria. Here’s an interesting bit of dialogue between Maria and Robert:

"Now, feel. I am thee and thou art me and all of one is the other. And I love thee, oh, I love thee so. Are you not truly one? Canst thou not feel it?"

"Yes," he said, "it is true."

"And feel now. Thou hast no heart but mine."

"Nor any other legs, nor feet, nor of the body."

"But we are different," she said. "I would have us exactly the same."

"You do not mean that." (20.66-71)

In this moment, Robert and Maria are talking about how they feel as if they have fused into the same person, as if they share a body. Yet there is a key difference in how they view their relationship: Maria wishes that they were exactly the same, while Robert states that she doesn’t mean that. Similarly, while Johnny seems to enjoy the growth he and V provide one another, his greatest fear is V/himself being changed into something they are not. Hmmmm….

Johnny and V are very different people by the end of Cyberpunk, finding meaning in relationships just as Robert has. For V, this means Judy, River, Panem, Kerry, Misty, Vik, etc. And for Johnny, this means V, and by extension, all of the people who make up V’s identity through their love and friendship. Despite dying and rising again as lines of code, V is able to finally show Johnny what it means to be human. His journey, I believe, can be accurate summed up by this quote from the novel:

“This was the greatest gift that he had, the talent that fitted him for war; that ability not to ignore but to despise whatever bad ending there could be. This quality was destroyed by too much responsibility for others or the necessity of undertaking something ill planned or badly conceived. For in such things the bad ending, failure, could not be ignored. It was not simply a possibility of harm to one's self, which could be ignored. He knew he himself was nothing, and he knew death was nothing. He knew that truly, as truly as he knew anything. In the last few days he had learned that he himself, with another person, could be everything. But inside himself he knew that this was the exception. That we have had, he thought. In that I have been most fortunate. That was given to me, perhaps, because I never asked for it. That cannot be taken away nor lost. But that is over and done with now on this morning and what there is to do now is our work.”

In addition, Robert’s final conversation with Maria as he is convincing the others to leave him behind so he can buy them time to escape is nearly identical to Johnny and V’s final conversation:

"Listen to this well, rabbit," he said. He knew there was a great hurry and he was sweating very much, but this had to be said and understood. "Thou wilt go now, rabbit. But I go with thee. As long as there is one of us there is both of us. Do you understand?" (43.319)

Here, Robert is telling Maria that because they are the same, only one of them needs to survive in order for them both to live. Compare that to what Johnny tells V:

V: For fucks sake, defend yourself! You’re not even trying!

Johnny: Hmm…sounds kind of familiar. We know that attitude. See, V? Stayin’ with you whether you like it or not.”

This scene is further paralleled by the fact that V crosses a bridge to reach Mikoshi, which is set to be destroyed, just as Robert was tasked with destroying the bridge. Furthermore, in the Suicide ending, the overall theme is about how V “never realized just how many friends they had.” Friends who, in all other endings, were willing to die for V, as losing them meant a piece of themselves dying with them. Similarly, Robert considers killing himself as his friends escape, as the pain of his injury becomes too much to bear. However, he is comforted knowing that his sacrifice will mean that they live, telling himself, "I don't mind this at all now they are away.” Despite now having something to live for, like Johnny, they are still able to brave their deaths as now they have been given meaning. And not just any meaning; love. No longer hate, or rage, or blind idealism. Love. 

This is the overall message of Cyberpunk: maybe you won’t change the world. Maybe you won’t win the war. Maybe your sacrifice isn’t going to change history. Maybe, in the grand scheme of the universe, you don’t matter, and you won’t ever be a legend. But you do matter to the people in your life. No man is an island. We were made to be in each other’s lives, to love one another, to change one another for the better. And that’s what life is all about.

[johannas-motivational-insults]

Jo’s Top 10 of 2020

I see lots of artists doing that thing where they post a piece from each month of the year... unfortunately my content creation isn’t necessarily consistent and it’s hard to track what month individual fic chapters were posted in, but I figured I’d do something similar and post my Top 10 pieces of content I created in 2020, what they’re about and why I love them. I actually did get a fair amount done this year thanks to the lockdown, but I’ve narrowed it down to these ten that I’d like to reflect on. (To be fair, I’m probably forgetting something huge. Feel free to leave comments if you think I passed over something important lol.)

10. Friendship in the Horde (meta): This is something I’d wanted to write for a while but finally got around to finishing in February. It’s basically a sociology paper lmao, an analysis of the social hierarchies and systems of the Horde. It was also a convenient excuse for me to gush about Catralonnie, an underrated (friend)ship. But honestly this was an important piece for me because I have always identified with the Horde characters way more than any of the rebels (other than Adora, who grew up in the Horde) and part of why is how they are in an unsafe environment and end up forming relationships that are helpful for survival but hinder them psychologically. And I think to understand the Horde characters and really evaluate their motives and choices you need to understand this first.

9. The Sting in My Eyes: On the surface this is just a run of the mill hurt/comfort oneshot, but it was a really important post-canon processing fic for me. I had a lot of feelings about Catra’s relationships with Shadow Weaver and Melog in season 5, particularly about how Catra must have felt really conflicted after Shadow Weaver told her what she wanted to hear all those years but in a way that felt unearned and out of the blue. It was really cathartic for me to write a scene where she struggles with those mixed feelings but has Adora and Melog to help her process them. And I had long associated the song the title is from with Catra and Shadow Weaver’s relationship, and the way she died trying to redeem herself really solidified that connection.

8. Hail Mary, chapter 6: This was supposed to be a short chapter mostly about the backstory between Catra and Scorpia in this au, with some Catradora yearning thrown in. It evolved into a massive, sprawling thing that is very atmospheric in terms of how the setting and vibes are described and how in the moment it feels. Hail Mary is like that sometimes but that type of narration is usually about football games rather than parties, so this chapter was a fun change of pace in many ways. It was really nostaglic for me to write too, the nerves of being a teenager at a party with your crush and how intense everything feels. And the Scorptra stuff really is delicious, it was nice seeing them have that conversation they never got to have in canon and truly make up, and the tiny sliver I added of Catra’s earlier history was heartbreaking in the best way. So this was not what I intended to write, but it turned out way better for it.

7. A Better Son or Daughter (AMV): I’ve done other Adora AMVs, but this one is really my iconic piece. The song is perfect for Adora, so perfect it’s on Noelle’s Adora playlist. The vid itself is a character study about Adora’s mental health struggles and the way she represses them, as well as a tribute to her resiliency and her eventual triumph of getting to a better place in her life. This is a song that gives me a lot of feelings and once I was making it about Adora it gave me even more, so this was a very satisfying piece to complete. I wish Noelle had gotten a chance to see it but oh well, maybe down the line.

6. Hail Mary, chapter 12: This is the chapter that much of the fic had been building to, Catra and Adora in conflict because Catra finally got the chance to be Adora’s hero and Adora shot her down. It’s painfully analogous to canon, both in terms of how (I suspect) Catra felt in Thaymor and Adora’s tendency to victim blame because she’s so pragmatic. There’s definitely some tones of Taking Control in there but Lonnie does a much better job of examining Catra’s psychology and needs than Glimmer did in canon (a writing error imo, Glimmer should have had more insight). Adora just wants to help but sometimes in her quest to do so she disenfranchises others, and this was a much needed look at that aspect of her character. It’s also an excellent illustration of what it’s like to play a peacekeeping role in an abusive household and how stressful it is trying to protect others while also protecting yourself.

5. Unstoppable (AMV): This is not my favorite Catra AMV I’ve ever done, but it might be the cleverest. The soundtrack is a song about mental illness masquerading as a song about being a bad bitch, which is basically Catra in a nutshell. The lyrics are incredibly fitting for her and her arc as it develops over seasons 1-4. The vid itself takes a hard turn in the interpretation of the lyrics, going from talking about how no one can stop Catra to how she can’t stop herself because she’s in such a terrible sunk cost fallacy spiral, and I think I got several death threats over that twist lmao. As someone who primarily deals in angst, there’s hardly a better compliment to be paid.

4. Demons, chapter 31: This one got real dark on me. The concept of this chapter was originally an examination of how comparing abuse can get really dicey but you also have to respect that other people have had different experiences from you and you have to be careful not to equate things or make it sound like you’re talking over someone else. I guess it’s also a bit of a look at how autistic people (like myself) will often explain why they can empathize so others know they understand rather than saying empty platitudes, but that can come off as insensitive or like they’re making things about them. I mean, in this case Adora kinda was making things about her, but she was provoked into it by a parade of comments insinuating she didn’t suffer at all, which was also unfair. Anyway it’s one of the more important Catradora fights in Demons and something I’d written bits of over a year prior, it was that important to the plot, but it also took a turn I was not originally planning. I finished the chapter when I was in a really bad depressive and self-loathing spiral and that bled onto the page, but it worked perfectly for Catra in this scenario... that push and pull of feeling like the world has hurt and victimized you mixed with knowing you’ve done some bad things yourself and feeling like you don’t have a leg to stand on when mourning the ways you’ve been hurt. It’s intense as all fuck but it’s excellent.

3. Hail Mary, chapter 11: Speaking of dark Catra content, this chapter... whew. It was really something else, to read and to write. I have written flashbacks in Demons that are more detailed and even include explicit violence but because those scenes are always in flashback form I never really got the chance to sit in the head of an abuse victim waiting for the other shoe to drop for an entire chapter like I did here. It’s quite different from the rest of Hail Mary stylistically and is both highly sensory and extremely internalized. It took me back to some terrifying moments in my own life so it was difficult but also extremely cathartic to write. It’s important too because it really sets up where Catra was at mentally heading into her big fight with Adora, and that chapter is in Adora POV. This chapter is ranked so high simply because it’s... polished, as @malachi-walker put it. It almost is its own story within the story and really noteworthy as a piece all its own.

2. Demons, chapter 26: This chapter is very similar thematically to Hail Mary 12, just based in the canonverse. It deals with one of the core (but highly neglected by fandom) conflicts between Catra and Adora, where they both need to feel like they can take care of and protect the other but also detest feeling weak or vulnerable themselves. It leads to Adora’s ego making Catra feel disrespected and Catra’s behavior confusing Adora and making her think she’s an ungrateful brat rather than someone who needs so badly to be needed, just like her. There’s definitely some power struggles in this chapter but finally they’re able to get to the heart of it and seeing them talk it out is so satisfying. Getting this chapter published was also important to me on a personal level because, like I said, this aspect of their conflict and relationship is rarely acknowleged for how important it is when really it’s one of the deepest conflicts between them in the series. It’s a scene I started writing pretty much as soon I knew I was extending the fic into something longer because I just needed them to have this conversation, so finishing it was so satisfying.

1. Satisfaction, chapter 3: This chapter took me a really long time to write, both in terms of time to get it published and time I actually spent working on it. It’s the crown jewel of a fic that’s really important to me and I had to get it just right, so I spent more time agonizing over every detail and rewriting things to get them absolutely perfect than I usually do (I’m a perfectionist anyway, but this took it to a whole other level). But in the end it was worth it, because this chapter is damn fine. It’s really hot, as you’d expect from a smut fic, but it’s also an excellent character study of how both Catra and Adora were affected by their abuse and trauma and the issues it raises for them in terms of sex and intimacy. Also, come on, we need more BDSM fics out there that focus on the actual point of it all (the trust involved) and promote communication and do the character work to explain why they might be into it in the first place.

BONUS (from December 31, 2019): One of my favorite pieces of 2020 technically came out in 2019, but I posted it on New Years Eve so most people first saw it in 2020. It’s an absolute banger of an AMV called I’m Not Jesus that’s all about Catra and Adora’s anger towards Shadow Weaver and their refusal to forgive their abuser. Funny enough this came out before Adora’s iconic “I will never forgive you” line, and Shadow Weaver definitely made things more complicated with how she went out, but I think the sentiment still applies.

[permian-tropos]

so one of the things that kind of drives me up the wall about fandom “discourse” is that there are so many meta level topics that don’t get talked about bc the big debates are about the subject matter of fiction, not… what it means to be fannish.

in fandom, we are all trying to play this collective game where the fiction matters — so that it does something for us. makes us happy, makes us feel things, helps us socialize, inspires us. and the way to make it matter is to invent rules, invent concepts, play out social hierarchy struggles.

but in order to not cause actual harm to people over meaningless bullshit, we need to be able to pause the game. some people find that really easy because “yeah duh it’s just fiction” and then other people seem to find it impossible because it would take away the socially constructed significance of fandom itself.

but as someone who does fit better into the latter category despite thinking people need to chill the fuck out about fiction… I have thought a lot about the weird and intricate details of caring far too much about fiction!

like sometimes I wonder why I have never heard it said that ship wars are born from vicarious romantic jealousy. is it too obvious to say directly or not obvious enough? we say that shippers hate threats and rivals to their ship, but do we ever say — that’s because the flip side to romantic attachment is romantic rejection and jealousy. because if a fictional ship activates the euphoria in your brain associated with romantic love, it can also activate the famously unbearable dysphoria of not getting that love the way you want it.

and is vicarious jealousy actually a bad thing? I don’t think so! it’s just that fandom currently doesn’t seem to aestheticize that experience as much. but step outside of fandom and literally half of all songs you know are about heartbreak, about love that doesn’t work like you wanted it to. people crave art that lets them cope with those feelings. the worldwide and timeless popularity of art about crimes of passion and wanting to die for love is not just indicative of how relatable those feelings are, but the universal need to mitigate and cope.

so if you’re in a fandom and you don’t seem to have an artistic, aestheticized, nonconfrontational way to cope with romantic anxiety… that’s a little strange since it’s widespread elsewhere. and it’s not like fannish people never have relationship troubles. we do… and yet… we sort of pretend we don’t? or we don’t talk about it as honestly with our art. we don’t explore jealousy. these days in fiction relationships are deemed either healthy or unhealthy. and the idea of a relationship making you feel like you want to kill or die has been relegated to it being taboo or disgusting… but that’s not emotionally honest, is it? jealousy isn’t always moral. a relationship that makes you feel so bad it’s like the world is ending isn’t necessarily abusive or toxic. that only counts if it’s your relationship. but if it’s somebody else’s…

so what are healthy ways to vent jealous feelings in ship communities? off the top of my head I can imagine being appeased by a spotify playlist themed around my otp not being together, but my notp is, and the rejected loser is very sad about it. cause that’s not hating on rival shippers, it’s just letting the negative feelings become something appealing and cathartic. and it doesn’t suggest that other people in fandom are doing anything wrong

this is such a weird long ramble of a post but basically my point is that we don’t tend to have these kinds of discussions. and… we should?

[veliseraptor]

top 5 Xue Yang quotes

I mean pretty much every time he opens his mouth I love it. But I guess if I had to pick single lines...I am going to put screencaps here. This is also all CQL because that’s what I’m more familiar with.

Under a read more because it got long. Surprising no one familiar with me and how this sort of thing goes. Featuring my new blog subtitle: A Whole Lotta Feelings About Xue Yang, and links to a bunch of my own older meta.

1. “You shouldn’t have gotten involved in other people’s business. Who’s right, who’s wrong? How much kindness, how many grudges. Can an outsider be clear about it? Maybe you shouldn’t have left the mountain.”

I wrote a whole meta post about this! I mean, I’ve written a whole lot of meta posts about Xue Yang generally, the amount of digital ink I’ve spilled over this character is, hm. Well. 

But I just find this line fascinating for the ways in which it is, like many of the things that Xue Yang says in this scene, such a blend of emotions: anger, frustration, misery, disappointment.

There’s the “how dare you judge me” of it all, the “you’re so goddamn clueless you just don’t get it” of it, and then also the thing that I talked about in the linked meta - the “you would’ve been better served staying away from this stupid world, where you would’ve been safe and where you would’ve been safe from me.” 

I have a lot of...thoughts, about the way that Xue Yang bounces back and forth between finding it hilarious that Xiao Xingchen is so nice to him while having no idea who he really is, finding it maddening that he is (he’s so stupid! how does he get away with being so stupid!), and finding it...something that he likes, and sort of wants him to keep (in a similar way, actually, to the way that I think Jin Guangyao wants Lan Xichen to keep his relative innocence). 

And also the arc words/recurring sentiment of those questions of right and wrong, black and white. And the idea that that’s not a question Xue Yang has historically concerned himself with, but perhaps right now it might actually matter.

And right now he wants Xiao Xingchen to be on the same page, and at least for a half a second genuinely thought he might be.

2. “The finger is mine, while the lives are theirs.”

Obviously this is like. Peak Xue Yang line: pure solipsism, pure self-centered self-interest: my finger is mine and therefore it’s worth more than the lives of other people.

And there’s a lot to be said about that as a manifesto for Xue Yang - on one level I do think it’s just about how he thinks and perceives others: they just aren’t quite real to him, not in the way he himself is. Like, yes! They exist! Nominally they have “feelings” and “wants” or whatever, but conceptualizing that in any concrete way, or internalizing it, is...hard. It doesn’t seem quite real to him. They don’t seem quite real, not in the way that he is, himself. 

And on the other hand I think there’s something about the way that Xue Yang weights his own value so heavily because he’s the only one who will. Nobody else is going to put any value on his hand or his finger. Xue Yang’s approach to life is very much “nobody’s going to give me anything, so I will get mine and fuck everyone else, if I don’t look out for me above all then it’s a short road to death.” And I think there’s elements of that here. 

Or maybe a question: why should their lives be worth more than my body? Why should they be more valuable than me? And the answer, of course, is that they shouldn’t. 

While I do think that Xue Yang has his insecurities and uncertainties, one thing that he refuses to doubt is that he has a right to exist and a right to get what’s his - even if that comes at the expense of others. 

And I think, too, on some level he figures this is how everyone works. They probably think their fingers are worth his life. They’re wrong, obviously, and the fact that he won proves that. But they still believed it.

3. “Cultivator friend, I’ll plead guilty. But to submit to punishment...that depends if you’re able to catch me.”

Flirting is playing murder tag with a cute boy!

This is a less serious one but I love it because it is just...it’s not his intro intro (see below) but it also sort of is, in another way. And it is definitely an intro to his relationship with Xiao Xingchen, and I love it for that - for the way he shows up, perching on a house over an enormous massacre, and is just having the time of his life. 

It’s so cheerfully playful, so bright, the way that he doesn’t even hesitate to be like “yes! I did kill all those people! what’re you gonna do about it :D”

(”does my gay little crime spree piss you off?”)

It sets up this dynamic between a Xiao Xingchen who is taking this all very seriously and a Xue Yang who is having a fantastic time and I just love it. New standard for your OTP meeting: if it doesn’t happen at the scene of a massacre for which one of them is responsible then what’s even the point.

4. “I don’t fear death, only boredom/living without a purpose.”

I wish!!! I knew whether this translation (”having no purpose in living” or the Netflix one (”boredom”) was more “””accurate””” - or if it doesn’t matter and the meaning is pretty close. If someone can tell me that’d be amazing. But either way - this is the moment where I was like “oh I’m screwed” when it came to adopting a new terrible character for my very own.

I have a huge glaring weak spot for characters who are very “death before boredom” about their lives - who look at their existence as sort of “here for a good time not a long time” and recognize that they’re not one for a long life but they’re going to make it one they can enjoy. That almost indifference to their own end weighed against the prospect of dullness - or, with the Viki translation, purposelessness. 

And it does fit with how I think of Xue Yang as someone who sort of needs to have a drive or a goal, most of the time; who needs to be engaged and is easily bored. (This is one of the things that I think he has in common with Wei Wuxian! Sorry, buddy, you’re more alike than you’d like to acknowledge.)

But it also demands such a contrast with the fact that he does, later on, settle down into domestic relative tranquility - into something that would look, to a lot of people, and maybe even to his past self, like boredom.

And yet it doesn’t bore him.

And I just. You know. Have a lot of feelings about that.

5. “Very well. Would I be afraid of people’s disgust? However, are you qualified to feel disgusted by me?”

tfw you see your great fake life starting to go to pieces and decide you’re going to detonate your nuclear weapon in it because hey, might as well take everyone down with you, right?

I love this because it’s one of those things where it’s true and it’s not - I do not think, generally, that Xue Yang really cares about people’s disgust. He sometimes even relishes it! I mean, I think a certain kind of dehumanization sets him off, but in general - yes, I’m’s horrible, yes, I’m disgusting, yes, sure, do I care? Nope. 

But it is pretty clear here, both in terms of facial expression and reactions, that Xiao Xingchen’s judgment does hit home. That his anger and dismissal of Xue Yang’s story, of his exposure of a vulnerability he doesn’t usually allow, hits pretty hard. From Xue Yang’s perspective, he’s taken a risk, and Xiao Xingchen answered it with a slap in the face. (Wrote a bunch about this here.)

And in that hurt he responds, immediately, by lashing out - by using the weapon he’s held in reserve. I’ve written before about how I think Xue Yang prior to this point was in sort of “the fierce corpses thing can stay between me and the fierce corpses now” mode about his extracurricular activities with Xiao Xingchen, but it’s still there, and he knows exactly what he’s doing here. After all, that revenge was always tailored: it was always about bringing Xiao Xingchen down to his level and proving that he’s no better, and never has been any better. 

But I will never get over the look on his face over that first line, where he’s saying “would I be afraid of people’s disgust” and while the words imply no his face is definitely saying yes, at least when it’s you.

BONUSES: 

Most of his conversation with Wei Wuxian but especially the bit about slowly and intimately doing experimental necromancy, but also Xue Yang inviting Song Lan in for lunch.

Come on, Song Lan! Just take the free meal! It’ll be fine.

[tunemyart]

Top 5 favorite and least favorite episodes of Xena. GO!

You drive a hard, hard ask, but I have limited myself (be proud!!)

FAVORITE FIVE:

The Bitter Suite - In what world do we get an entire episode solely dedicated to digging into the roots of the anguish that the two leads have caused each other that they descend into some Jungian dreamscape heavily influenced by tarot, wherein they finally learn how to speak to each other as wounded equals, and through which they discover healing of trauma and forgiveness, all via song written specifically for this show/this episode? YOUR OTHER SHOWS COULD AND WOULD NEVER. (Also somebody please point me toward a Xena-inspired tarot deck.)

The Ides of March - y'all are aware of my obsession with Xena's vision in season four and my love of Gabrielle's pacifist arc as an unspoken reaction to the trauma of S3; and the way those two things collide, the inevitability of it, the sheer elegant perfection of it, is something I hope I never get over. Ofc I'm here for the beauty of the jail scenes, the simplicity of the quiet admissions of self to each other - but I'm also here for how it's all wrapped up in and transformed by the words that have been torturing Xena's soul for the last season: "I love you, Xena." YOUR OTHER SHOWS STILL WOULD NEVER.

When Fates Collide - Give me a season of Empress!Xena/Playwright!Gabrielle and it might be enough. The fucking yearning. So explicit on Xena's face! The beautiful meta layer of Gabrielle writing the Xena scrolls as plays that part of Xena remembers and reacts to! "Do you really believe love like that exists?" GOD XENA, YOU DO. "I’ll love you forever.” THAT’S RIGHT. *sobs forever*

Paradise Found - Aside from the gorgeous level of physical intimacy established as completely and utterly normal between them at this point, the deep dive into their psyches and the things that hurt them and the reasons why is so, so good. (Give me the paaaaiiinnnnn!!!) I've talked before about how beautiful the juxtaposition of the Platonic Way of Love vs. their embodied love for each other is, but gosh, THAT SCENE.

Who's Gurkhan? - I love this episode bc I am admittedly a shallow bitch! Also bc I am fucking here for Gabrielle's relationship with violence and Xena’s mind getting her through torture by conjuring up a vision of Gabrielle that’s not sweet supportive bby Gabs, but rather a strong, sexual, and morally complicated Gabrielle who belly danced her way into a harem for the express purpose of murdering a dude, bc that's who Gabrielle is now! And that's who Xena loves! And that's the show! (Also GODDDDDDDD they're both so fucking gorgeous, holy shit)

LEAST FAVORITE FIVE:

Ulysses - we are all correct in our collective hatred of this episode

Fallen Angel - ughhhhhhhhhhh you're gonna follow up The IDES of MARCH with this nonsense? Worst offender just bc of wasted potential, taking us from the glorious narrative heights of S4 into... whatever S5 was

Lifeblood - i.e., that ep I forgot existed until my friend on her first series watchthrough texted me about Julius Caesar being a caveman. And then I forgot about it again until this very minute. And now I will keep on forgetting about it, and that's exactly the way it should be.

Purity/Back in the Bottle - some character assassination goin’ on here, I cannot accept the 20,000 or 100,000 or whatever Xena was supposed to have killed with the powah of her mind bc there was “no other choice” or some bullshit. Oh and the rest of it was real bad too.

Anthony and Cleopatra - fun fact! when I first watched this episode while trying to binge my way through S5 to make it go faster, it filled me with such rage and despair that I had to skip ahead to S6 to make sure this wasn't just gonna be the show from now on.

[moved-attre]

info dump for my v! was gonna make this into a whole tag meme but the prompts aren’t very original. oops.

THE BASICS:

FULL NAME: Valerie King.

ALIAS: V / Veronica Li.

DATE OF BIRTH: August 27th, 2049.

AGE (AS OF 2077): 28.

PLACE OF BIRTH: Heywood, Night City.

RACE/CULTURE: Chinese American.

RELIGION: It’s complicated. (Raised Catholic... Now unsure.)

SEXUALITY: Bi

GENDER / PRONOUNS: Cis female, she/her.

SPOKEN LANGUAGES: English and Spanish.

RIGHT OR LEFT HANDED: Right handed.

EDUCATION: College drop-out.

OCCUPATION: Agent at the counterintelligence division of Arasaka, second to Assistant Director Jenkins. Later, mercenary. 

APPEARANCE: 

HAIR: Black. Mid length. Straight. Loose. Briefly changes to neon green, bob cut. Then, back again.

EYES: Dark brown. 

NOTEABLE FEATURES: Freckles on face and body. 

TATTOOS: Snake wrapped around left wrist / Dragon wrapped around left shoulder / Lovers tarot card on left inner forearm / ‘LUCKY YOU’ on left hip joint just above crotch. Angel wings & halo with ‘JACKIE’ on right inner wrist / Collection of roses on right hip and upper thigh / ‘DEATH CAN WAIT’ on bottom of right ribcage. “Johnny + V” in a heart on right inner forearm. 

PIERCINGS: Right and left lobe, double piercing. Philtrum piercing. Navel piercing.

CYBERNETICS/PROSTHETICS: Visible golden cybernetic... plate? on her neck. It can have a skin-like texture covering but it’s sorta transparent. Replaced right hand, and again: has a skin-like texture finish but slightly transparent so the gold chrome is visible. Kiroshi eyes (natural color). Enhanced knee caps/ankles for long distanced jumping. Mantis blades. Cardiovascular and Respiratory system is almost all tech, as is much of her nervous system etc. 

SCARS: None from combat. She has stretch marks on her butt, boobs and tummy.

BODY SHAPE: Curvy / plus size. Not skinny or muscled. Soft.

HEIGHT: 5′3. 

FASHION SENSE: Neon, metallic, holographic. Short skirts, crop tops and big coats / jackets. Wedged sneakers or heeled boots. (Johnny says her style is “hooker”, but what the fuck does Johnny know. He’s worn the same outfit for like 70+ years. Get with the times, grandpa.)

MAKE UP: Neon. Loves yellow or green eyeshadow / eyeliner and shiny colored lip gloss.

NAILS: Long and pointed, like triangle shaped. Always with a metallic finish, colored either: Red, blue or silver.

PERSONALITY: 

ZODIAC: Virgo sun, Aries moon.

MBTI: INTP.

5 FLAWS: Anxious, high maintenance, clingy, emotionally unavailable, jealous.

5 STRENGTHS: Patient, detail-oriented, ambitious, witty, passionate.

SECRET TALENT(S): Can sing.

LIKES: Crappy daytime soap operas, artificial strawberry flavored foods and skin care, MONEY!! and NC in the rain at night.

DISLIKES: Healthy food (She has never touched a vegetable... She’s pretty gross.), other people’s mess, anything with a matte texture and rock music (Sorry to Johnny. But she’s never heard a Samurai song and never will.)

HOBBIES: Boxing. (Not that she ever actually goes more than once a month... She’s got 50+ missed calls from Coach Fred.)

FEARS: Loneliness / being left behind. Being replaced. FOMO.

DREAMS: Stability. A family, whether that’s with a romantic partner or friends. Just someone who’ll stick around.

MUSIC TASTE: Pop, dance, rap. The majority of her library is filled with “girl power” tracks about making money, beating people up and being sexy. 😙

DRINK AND DRUGS: Weed. Likes beer. Smokes cigarettes, thanks to Johnny. Tried various other, harder drugs as a teen but outgrew it.

BAD HABITS: Chews her bottom lip / plays with jewellery when nervous. Tends to bottle up her emotions until she explodes. Has a perpetually messy apartment and will not tidy up.

REASON FOR WANTING TO MAKE IT BIG IN NC: To prove a point. She’s not quite sure who to, sometimes it’s her mom... Other times it’s herself... (She puts a lot of importance on being “self-made”.) For a while, she wanted to succeed for Jackie. Until it got him killed. Now she just wants to survive.

CHILDHOOD HERO: Morgan Blackhand. Corpo-backed mercenary who took on Adam Smasher and may or may not be alive yet? He was like a comic book character to baby V. 

COMBAT/VEHICLES: 

COMBAT STYLE: Netrunner. (Stealth.)

PREFERRED WEAPONS: Her hands. Hacking. A pistol with a silencer. Mantis blades, in an emergency. 

WEAKNESSES: Open combat. She can be slow to react, as she’s overthinking everything. This isn’t the Matrix, unfortunately. 😔

SIGNATURE VEHICLE: Type-66 Avenger, or Jackie’s ARCH.

FAMILY/OTHER RELATIONSHIPS:

FATHER: Everett King, deceased. Low level office worker for Militech.

RELATIONSHIP WITH FATHER: Generally positive. He was her only family for a long time, so V grew very attached. When he passed, she was very angry.

MOTHER: Chloë Li, unknown. Housewife.

RELATIONSHIP WITH MOTHER: Non-existent. Her mom left the family years ago when V was a young child, so her memories of her are vague at best - and clouded by V’s feelings of abandonment.

SIBLING(S): Jordan King (younger brother), deceased.

RELATIONSHIP WITH SIBLING(S): She loved her little brother lots, for the very short time she knew him.

PETS: Nibbles the (creepy) cat.

SIGNIFICANT OTHER: N/A. Briefly, River Ward. (Johnny... but it’s complicated. 😢)

CHILDREN: N/A. She doesn’t want children, ever.

OTHER MEANINGFUL RELATIONSHIPS: Jackie, Mama Welles, T-Bug, Misty, Vik, Judy, Panam, River, Kerry, Padre. Jenkins, in a mentor role.

META: 

LIFE PATH: Corpo. 

CHOSEN ENDING: Worst ending. V [redacted] and dies with Johnny by her side. She doesn’t see the point in struggling on and letting other people die for her, nor does she want to run away. She’s bound to Night City, for better or for worse, and she’d rather go out on her own terms with the most important person in the world to her by her side.

ACTUAL ENDING: V explores the Old City ruins, finds Arasaka’s top secret cryogenics facility. Johnny’s body is recovered, his engram restored and they live happily ever after in Night City. Tah dah! The end!

PRIMARY SKILLS: Intelligence and Cool.

SECONDARY SKILLS: Body and Technical ability.

[allthefilmsiveseenforfree]

Teen Witch

Controversial opinion: stories about witches are the best stories. Just look at WandaVision - bitches ate that UP because it’s about WITCHES, which means it’s ultimately about loss and trauma and female (literal) empowerment in the face of those tragedies (and I mean there’s some complicated stuff in there about inflicting trauma upon others, even accidentally, and that’s kind of a witch thing too). And Sabrina is all well and good and everything, but what if you want your witch story to be a little less Dark Arts and a little more candy-coated? Have I got the film for you! Wes requested Teen Witch as part of his quest to expand my cheesy 80s cult classic knowledge, and boy did this one deliver. How 80s-tastic are we talking? Well...

The basic story is this: Louise (Robyn Lively) is a typical teen girl who occupies the nerd level of the high school hierarchy. You know the type - soft-spoken, nerdy best friend, has a crush on the cutest guy in school (Dan Gauthier), made fun of in gym class by all the cheerleaders. One day she crashes her bike in front of a psychic’s home/place of business and goes inside to use the phone, but gets her palm read first. The psychic, named Madame Serena, (Zelda Rubenstein, playing, I’m assuming, herself) tells her she will soon come into some witchy powers on her 16th birthday. When Louise’s birthday rolls around, you guessed it - witching aplenty. She gets the popularity, she gets the cute guy, she ditches her nerdy friend; it’s basically The Princess Diaries without Queen Julie Andrews. But then, y’know, she learns a valuable lesson about the high price of popularity and how important it is to be true to yourse--wait, no she doesn’t, she takes off her magic necklace and smooches with the boy she likes at the school dance and that’s how it ends.

Some thoughts:

This slow motion credit sequence is incredible. See, we just don’t have this anymore, where the movie starts and you have no fucking idea what’s going on. The 80s really knew how to draw an audience in. Is this a dream? Is this a music video? No one knows! That’s why it’s exciting!

Why are tv and movies so obsessed with a completely made-up depiction of what takes place outside a high school’s entrance before the first bell? Apparently there’s a busker festival going on at this high school every day - there’s guys doing BMX tricks, an all white rap group, I think I saw some jugglers.

I’ve actually taught in both middle and high school, so I know this English teacher (Shelley Berman) wouldn’t be fired for being such a shitty teacher, but he should be. 

Is this like...a musical? First there was the terrible rapping, now there are cheerleaders doing “the new cheer” which is literally a song just saying “I...LIKE...BOYS!” and there’s a dance routine on top of lockers - there’s a lot of towel choreography. It feels like a musical in the sense that it’s nonsensical, but I don’t actually think it IS a musical. Genre-defying!

It’s kinda creepy that Louise is watching an extended montage of Brad (Gauthier) working out shirtless from the shadows but like...same, girl. Damn, Brad.

Aw, at least Brad is reasonably nice. Louise, show some backbone! You shouldn’t have been too proud to let him drive you home after he ran you off the road on your bike accidentally!

I am just mystified by the market for roles that were appropriate for Zelda Rubenstein in the 80s. What is this niche? Which came first, Zelda Rubenstein, or these characters? 

I am also mystified by this gremliny little brother (Joshua John Miller) who seems to be obsessed with eating cake and never washing his hair. He’s like a goblin trapped in a diminutive nonbinary body made of pizza and spite. [ETA: I now feel a little bad for finding him so repellent in this, as the actor wrote one of my favorite meta horror movies, The Final Girls, in 2015. So at least he grew up and made something cool of himself.]

OMFG did Brad just hit the soda machine for her like the fucking Fonz? 

There is (temporarily) a Very Good Dog who is not harmed in any way.

In what universe does Louise see what her date, David (Jared Chandler), is wearing and be like “he’s such a geek” when she looks like an extra from Leave it to Beaver. 

The DJ just said “OK guys, grab your wallets, it’s a slow song.” What...does that even mean? Is he implying that slow dances are expensive? Ooh or even more nefarious, that there’s a rampant pickpocketing problem during slow dances?

Did Louise...just imply that the number of light years away a star is dictates how soon a wish you make on that star would come true? Listen. I’m no astrophysicist. But I have read enough Neil Degrasse Tyson tweets to know that that’s not how any of this works. 

OK I take back what I said, David is a fucking CREEP. Drag his ass, Louise. However, I think she may have straight up murdered him by making him disappear. David is never seen or heard from again in this film. 

Obsessed with the dad’s sweaters both because they are ridiculous and because he is the lesser Darren from the original Bewitched. 

It feels weird that Louise’s revenge involves forcing Mr. Weaver to take his clothes off in front of the class.Who wants that? Like I get that it’s humiliating for him, but really, you’re only punishing yourself here Louise. 

There is a rap-off that is meant to convey electric sexual tension between two nerdy ass white kids. 

I don’t know what it was like at your school, but I can tell you for sure that at my high school no one ever applauded when the most popular girl in school walked into the classroom like she’s Kramer making an entrance on Seinfeld.

Why is Brad taking her to an abandoned house in the middle of nowhere? And why is she wearing heels?

Oh god she took the heels off and now she’s barefoot in this decrepit house, that’s so much worse! TETANUS EXISTS LOUISE.

Wait are they going to fuck in the abandoned house? Brad has a girlfriend! You brought heels, but did you bring condoms?? I guess she has bigger concerns than tetanus now. Also I feel so bad for these actors, they are both DRIPPING sweat. That must have been a miserable shoot.

I’ve said this before, but the 80s were such an incredible time for himbo fashion. Crop tops, those tank tops with the giant holes for the arms, teeny little basketball shorts. In the 90s all we had were JNCOs and weirdly “urbanized” Looney Tunes characters on baggy t-shirts. Gen X has no idea how good they had it re: male fashion. 

I’m genuinely obsessed with the idea that popularity means the school just has banners all over that say “LOUISE” and she gets like, cards and fan mail that say “Louise U R the best.” This feels like if you ask a kindergartner what being popular means.

Madame Serena just said “the real magic is believing in yourself” which is exactly what Louise’s dad said like 15 minutes ago, but I guess he wasn’t a 3-foot-tall witch so no one paid attention when he said it. 

Y’know for an 80s prom outfit, Louise’s dress is pretty cute. 

I cannot stress enough that Brad’s girlfriend is at this dance while he and Louise are kissing! Does no one care? Were high school attitudes toward monogamy just way more flexible in the 80s? 

Did I Cry? Shyeah, right. 

This is such an odd, mostly charming, but wildly perplexing little movie. There was no antagonist or real conflict here, at all. Louise barely struggles with any sort of tension or remorse about having her powers and what it means for her life, she just kind of decides at the end that she’s over it, and she still gets the guy and no actual negative consequences from bending the entire school to her will for the past few months. I mean, in The Craft, when people use magic for their own gains, other people fucking DIE. I was definitely entertained, but a lot of it was due to me saying, “What? How? What?” loudly at the screen. I can see how this has gained a cult following in much the same way that other oddball 80s fare like Better Off Dead or Girls Just Wanna Have Fun did. Watch it once, then watch it again while you get drunk with your friends (in a post-Covid world, obviously) and you’ll probably have a pretty great time. 

If you liked this review, please consider reblogging or subscribing to my Patreon! For as low as $1, you can access bonus content and movie reviews, or even request that I review any movie of your choice.

[fipindustries]

Mouth Dreams analysis

MOUTH DREAMS

I dont even need to introduce to you the marvelous mash up works of neil cicierega’s mouth trilogy (now quadrilogy i guess). We all know them, we all love them and we all have our own interpretations of what they mean. For some merely musical shitposting, for others clever experimentation laden with phrases, leivmotifs and themes repeating here and there, and for many a deep and rich bounty of lore, hidden messages, subtextual stories and underlying narratives implied across multiple variations of all star, hidden in the meta data and uncovered only after doing spectrographic analysis on the soundwaves of the songs after being played at x0.000003 times the speed. It is usually understood that all the albums together form a unique and rich tapestry, a coherent whole that can be understood in its totality. Im not here to do that.

I came up with my own interpretation of what Mouth Dreams can be read as, independent from the other albums. Think of it as me presenting this entry as the soundtrack of a musical with its own self contained story. It is the interpretation that i chose to go by and i hope its understood the brilliance of these albums lies on how weird and vague and open ended they are such that any number of different readings can be extracted from them. So lets see the one i extracted, without further ado, lets begin.

Yahoo

It is an out of context, in media res, start for the whole story. We hear a voice, echoing in the void, yelling at the top of its lungs, reaching desperately for human conection. One form of looking at this song is that the voice only receives an empty response from its own echoes, but i dont take it like that. The song is too sublime and too beautiful for these, the notes soaring too high, the desperate plead is being answered. Someone is listening to the plead and answering right back, harmonizing.

This whole album is in a way that howl, reaching to others, and we the audience are answering back, listening. But also on another level, this whole album is the protagonist telling the tragic story of his own life to some sympathetic figure who wants to help, perhaps a therapist, perhaps a friend, perhaps a partner, we’ll see. And as the yelling subsides the story starts proper.

Mouth dreams (intro)

We are being slowly taken into the story, entering the psyche of the main character, entering their subconscious, their dreams, their memories and therefore, their past. We’ll see what life they led and how they ended up where they are now and we start right at his infancy with….

Spongerock

Spongebob is a great indicator that we are seeing this person’s early childhood. They seem to be a rambunctious and energetic child. Cheerful and enthusiastic, yet there seems to be some underlying aggression there. The music is a bit to strong, and in comes freddy mercury berating the poor kid “you’ve got mud on your face, you big disgrace”. Who is this entity being so hostile to a poor kid? What lies beneath that image of a happy kid? We are about to see on the next song.

Just a baby

This is where trouble starts. We are treated to a dramatic song about a poor young baby who seems to be having a pretty sad life. Justin bieber, former teen idol, keeps lamenting about the poor baby being stuck in baby jail. This song is very much about loss of innocence. A shadowy figure of the mother is introduced who tells the protagonist to be a good boy. And almost at the end of the song we get a suggestion of what’s so wrong on this poor kid’s life. His mother apparently “shot a man in reno”. We dont know if this is a literal thing the mother did or if this is a metaphor for the mother doing something horrible, commiting some crime, harming someone in some way. While its not clarified we see strong hints of what the mother could have done in the next song

Superkiller

As we worry what may be so wrong with this kid’s mother we come across the title for this song, ominous. Now in the original Psycho killer the killer was clearly the singer, but in here the song is twisted and turned a bit, recontextualized by the beats of “cant touch this”. It seems like this time is the singer the one who doesnt want to be touched by some nefarious figure (the mother? Is the mother a psycho killer?) maybe the kid saw the mother killing people “i dont like people when they’re on fire”. whatever the case might be the kid is clearly strung up and under a lot of stress and we are introduced to the first hint of the insomnia that will plague this persons life who cant sleep because “my bed’s on fire”. The horrible situation in which this kid is living is taking a severe toll on their mental health. How is he going to cope with this?

Get happy

I think everyone can agree that “come on get happy” is incredibly unnerving when mindlessly repeated over and over. A first read might suggest the kid is forced to put on a happy face, to pretend that there is nothing wrong going on with their life. But as the song progresses it could also be interpreted as the kid being tempted to find refuge from the horror by unsavory methods “get happy” as in acquire happiness of a forced and artificial kind, perhaps drugs. But also “we’ll make you happy”. The kid is not running into a rabbit hole on their own, they are being invited. Its possible that the kid is being seduced by a bad crowd to move into seedy circles as an escape from their life.

Ribs

In here we see the kid, probably a young teenager by this point as suggested by the use of marylin manson in this song, falling deep into debauchery. The specific kind is not needed to know, it could be drugs, it could be sexual experimentation, it could be criminality. Point is this is unhealthy and dangerous and depraved, emphasized by the title of the song “ribs” as a reference to the rumor that marilyn manson removed two of his ribs in order to perform autofellatio. Whatever the case it clearly works, the song is actually a great bop, energetic and upbeat, the kid is content with the situation, at least for a while…

My mouth

This song is the coming down from the high. In here we see at full blast how the life of depravity on the one side and their situation at home on the other have turned the character into a hardcore insomniac, their health is severy compromised “My eyes feel like they're gonna bleed

Dried up and bulging out my skull”. Another way to read this song is as we momentarily cutting back to the present. After all, what we have been seeing until now has been dreams/memories and this is a short look at the wreck that the person is as a grown up, stirring awake from their memories and trying desperately to forget or to go back to sleep where they can have a reprieve. As evidenced by the next song

Aerolong

I dont wanna miss a thing is completely turned on its head. As the lyrics clearly demonstrate is the protagonist who cant go to sleep being chased by their memories, specifically the memories of their mother “I don't miss you, babe, and I do want to miss a thing”. As the person is tossing and turning on their bed, unable to sleep they talk about how they dont miss their mother at all and they want to “miss” her as in they want to forget her.

Sleepin’

The character is constantly speaking about how they are “sleeping with their clothes on” this is due to them falling asleep during their everyday life because of their lack of sleep every night, this person is barely functional, their sleep schedule is broken. Also since this song is about the character actually sleeping it also works as a bridge back into their dreams and so into their past.

Aammoorree

Is another vignette about the character sinking into disreputable states in order to escape their shitty situation as a teenager, this time very specifically about being completely drunk and perhaps experiencing romance for the first time. The character is probably at a club or a party, drunkenly hitting on someone, though chances are without much success as the song becomes increasingly more incoherent and we go into a full black out. This gets bad enough that the person finally has to take a look and….

Where is my mom

….stop. It is highly suggestive that in the album the “stop” is part of this song rather than the last one. The person is not only stopping their current alcoholic binge. They are stopping the entire situation and taking a good look at their life, finally confronting face to face what is happening and why it is so wrong. Now “stacy’s mom” was always kind of an inappropriate song due to it being about a child having a crush on their friend’s mom, as sung by an adult. But as it is recontextualized by the instruments of “where is my mind” it takes on a much darker tone. The romantic words are still there but now with a sinister bent. This time the main character asks their friend if they can go and take refuge at their house and when they ask if the mom is going to be there they sound more scared than eager, specially suggested by the way he seems to be stammering the word “pool”, they are nervous and terrified. They also talk about stacy’s mom as “all they want and been waiting for so long”, probably because all they want is a normal, loving mother. Presumably this song is about the main character finally talking about what is going on at his house with a friend, confessing and that confession gives way to realization

Fredhammer

Then realization gives way to anger. During this whole song we see the teenage character finally grasping how fucked up the whole situation is and he gets progressively more worked up with each successive aggravation “Why did it take so long? Why (hoo!), did I wait so long, huh?

Why??? To figure it out, but I did it (huh?)”. From this we transition to the kid actually confronting their mom face to face. The line “So you can take that cookie And stick it up your (yeah!)” can be read as the mother trying to pretend there is nothing wrong or pacifying the kid with empty gestures of motherhood, by making cookies and the kid spitting that back into their face. The kid gets more and more worked up through the song as we seamlessly transition to the next one.

Limp Wicket

This song is pure incoherent chaos but something very important can be rescued out of the chaos. This song uses the lyrics from the “ewok celebration” which is presumably the song the ewoks sing in return of the jedi after the empire was defeated. So in a way is the kid celebrating that he finally confronted their mother and presumably defeated her. This is emphazised by the recurrence of the lyrics ““So you can take that cookie”. Is not specified how the mother is defeated, maybe social services or the police get involved, maybe the kid runs away, either way this song is triumphant. The evil entity that stole his childhood and innocence has been defeated.

Cannibals

This song is slightly different from the rest. It works as a form of victory lap after the defeat of the mother figure, but also as an intermission since it lies smack dab in the middle of the album, and finally as a transitionary song from childhood to adulthood. Is a time skip, we get to see the person grow up in fast forward as the THX song hits its crescendo. This song also makes it perfectly clear that, even though she was left behind, the mental scars that the mother left are still there and still fresh and still very much stopping them from sleeping “She drives me crazy

And I can't help myself”. 

The outsiders

This works as a way to recontextualize us in the life of the character as an adult. Our so called “feature presentation”. It is not altogether clear who these people being introduced are. They could be the people who came to mean something in this persons life as they grew up after trauma, probably multiple foster homes, social workers, friends, bosses, co workers, etc. the fact that they are being enumerated dissapasionatly could indicate how most of his social relationships were basically a meaningless blur for him who grew up socially distant due to trauma. It could also represent the multiple roles that our character was forced to take as they grew up and the multiple things that went through his mind or meant something. There is clearly some desperate attempts to recapture their lost childhood as figures such as “inspector gadget” or “the ninja turtles part three” are named. The song is a fast montage of views and places. That prepares us for the next song.

Johnny

We finally zoom in and take a good look at our main character as an adult. A sad, pathetic figure, hurt and lonely, possibly not very well liked and certainly not respected as we hear boos all around. Despite all this the character is clearly committing themselves to be a good person, to not hurt others like he was hurt and specifically to not commit the same crimes that their mother commited.

Closerflies & Nightmovin

These two songs might as well work as a single piece since they are both more or less about the same thing. We reiterate how this person has been turned into an insomniac due to the trauma that they experienced as a child “When I'm far too tired to fall asleep”. They are delirious and barely coherent, possibly hallucinating as they think about their life in bed. This is clearly hell on earth and it seems like its just never going to stop “Can't wake up in a sweat

'Cause it ain't over yet” but, with neil’s classic sense of humor, the song immediately ends.

Now that could just be for the sake of irony but there is also another level in which it could be read. This suffering stops because something suddenly changes in this person’s life. What could that be?

Whitehouse

“I fell in love with a girl”

As the lyrics say, the main character met someone special and they are deeply in love. But also, because of the past that weighs heavily on him, he is very trepidatious about wether to go on with the relationship or not. He knows he is damaged goods and he doesnt want to drag her down as well, these fears make it so he never fully opens up to her about his issues “She turns and says, "Are you alright?" I said, "I must be fine because my heart's still beating." 

Wah

The use of “war” by edwin starr is a clever reference about how everything is fair in love and war. Now this song is an important departure since it is sung from the point of view of the girl our main character fell in love with. She is a feisty woman who is very clearly trying to establish the terms of the relationship and demanding her partner to open up which the main character, due to his insecurities, takes as a declaration of war and which he deflects by playing dumb, hence the repeated use of the silly “WAH” by wario. 

Pee Wee Inc

The emotional distance from the man is putting a strain in the relationship, so what once was supposed to “feel good” is now this melancholic and unbearable situation. Is no mistake that the song sampled here is “the breakfast machine” from pee wee’s big adventure. After all  a neglected partner can feel like a breakfast machine, an object that is there just to make your breakfast. On top of this you can see that the insomnia hasnt gone away “My dreams, they got a kissing 'cause I don't get to sleep, no”. In a lot of ways the girlfriend is feeling used as just a relief from the man’s suffering but not as someone who is being truly loved.

1000 spoons

We go back to the woman’s perspective. At first it just seems like a simple melancholic situation where she is sad the relationship is not working, but then we see the woman have a full mental breakdown as the song changes and becomes much more deranged and we get to see what is really happening. The man ran away on their wedding day. This is represented by the lyrics “is like rain on your wedding day” because it means the wedding has been ruined. She is heartbroken by this.

Mouth dreams (extro)

Appropriately as the previous song talked about a wedding being ruined by “rain” this song begins with the sound of rain. This is the big emotional climax of the story, the music at its most dramatic. Now i will admit, even for me this is a stretch, im willing to concede most of what i am about to say is essentially built out of whole cloth and me wanting to fit a neat full narrative into this album where there is none, but hey, what is art for?

Essentially the man is about to commit suicide, possibly by jumping off a bridge in the rain as suggested by the song being sampled “drowning”. The fact that this song is named after the album is a way to signify how everything that we have just seen weighs heavily on the man’s heart, his whole life, his memories, his trauma, and he is finally ready to end it all. He jumps.

But at the last second his wife jumps after him and drags him to the shore, the last we see is her trying to perform mouth to mouth resuscitation, as indicated by the song,”love me mouth to mouth now…” he is unconscious and presumably finally sleeping peacefully (maybe dead?) “...cover me with dreams, yeah”.

It might look like he will not survive, as implied by the sinister version of all star encroaching over the song. But as it looks like all hope is lost he finally WAKES UP.

In a way this song is also when we finally catch up with the start of the album where we saw the man desperately hollering for human contact and merely echos responding, except now someone finally answered, and he is finally ready to open up and share his story.

Brithoven

Even though this song is sung by a single person i choose to take it as a dialog between the couple, both of them sharing their regrets about their relationship with each other, her recriminating the fact that she couldnt have known what he was going through “oh baby bay, how was i supposed to know, that something wasnt right here” and him finally admitting that he needs help “My loneliness is killing me”.

Finally they both agree to try it again and give their relationship a second chance “hit me baby one more time”

Ain’t

Part of me is conflicted about this song, i kind of want to disregard it, mainly because i think its kind of a weird way to end an album and also because i just dont feel is a very good mashup really. The lyrics dont mix that well with the song, they are paced in an inconsistent way and overall feel like they never truly click. On top of that it just doesnt fit at all with the narrative that i have been building during this analysis.

There is talk about alcoholism and parent abandoment, this time by the father, a figure that was never mentioned during the album. The last line says “say it aint so” which doesnt particularly seem to reflect on any of the themes i’ve been building upon. Ultimately i think i will just leave it besides and be content that i managed to fit almost all of the album into one story, this process was never meant to be a perfect dissection of the carefully planned story that neil deliberately crafted but rather me having fun seeing pictures in a rorshach test.

So anyway that was Mouth dreams, let me know what you thought.

[orionsangel86]

“I Think It’s Time For Me To Move On”

...And Other Things That Have Destroyed Me This Weekend...

So there is this common trope within love stories which generally happens at the end of the second act in which everything goes wrong and we all think that the lovers are doomed to failure. Its pretty much standard in every Jane Austen novel, every romantic film every made, every single bloody love story. Go ahead, name one. I guarantee you the break up moment is there.

Within the epic love story of Dean and Cas, there have been many break up moments, and all have had their emotionally devastating impact on the relationship and the show...

But THIS was a different level. 

(For a nice summary of Destiel break up moments and understanding of this trope, @tinkdw​ wrote about it here.)

I didn’t think that there would be another moment within Dean and Cas’s relationship that could hit me this hard. The mixtape in 12x19, the wrapping of Cas’s body in 13x01, and the return of Cas in 13x05 are moments that I consider to be the very top of the scale in making this pairing undeniably romantic. Moments that pushed it beyond a platonic interpretation. These three moments have been the things I cling to when the show has otherwise made me doubt any conclusion to the DeanCas story, and since there hasn’t been another one of those moments since 13x05, until now I have been somewhat nervous that the story was dropped, or being forced back behind a platonic screen. 

15x03 has ripped that screen away. 

Emotional meta under cut...

This entire episode was an emotion fuelled dramatic roller-coaster that killed off three characters including our beloved witch queen in a scene that almost stole the show and practically canonised the SamWitch ship. Rowena’s death should have been by far the most torturous moment for viewers to endure, and it was extremely torturous and had me sobbing on a plane 3 hours into a 7 hour flight. That incredibly heartfelt moment between Sam and Rowena will probably go down as one of the top tear-jerking moments on this show. It was tragic in the best way - the way Supernatural is famous for.

But lets not gloss over the fact that in an episode where THAT should have been the climax, where THAT should have been the emotional highlight and end point, instead we get a further MORE dramatic stand off between Dean and Cas that pulled focus and ripped all of our hearts out just as violently as poor Ketch in the first act (a very clever and smug piece of meta foreshadowing there Mr Berens).

On a meta level, this is HUGE as a writing choice because they MUST know how this looks. This was the climax of the third episode of the finale season. The way Supernatural has always structured itself since Carver era is that the first three mytharc episodes of each season establish the direction of the story and set the foundations for the character level focal points and dramatic key notes to come. 

That the writers have chosen to end the foundation episodes with a DeanCas break up moment that was more dramatic than a Spanish Telenovela has just stunned me and left me reeling because I just can’t see how else this can go. This break up scene absolutely DEMANDS a huge reconciliation of the sort that will be part of the A plot of the season - the FINAL SEASON. Guys. Part of the reason I have been so quiet and so disillusioned with the show during late season 13 and season 14 was because they pushed any Destiel plot into non existent territory - it became kinda irrelevant and Dean and Cas just acted like friends (homoerotic friends yes, and sometimes like an old married couple, but it was mostly played as an afterthought imo), so for this to suddenly be brought to the forefront of the emotional story again is excellent news for us. 

The thing is, like with those huge moments I listed above, the break up scene is basically undeniably romantic when you break it down to its components:

1. It’s only Dean and Cas. 

Once again we have another scene of high stake emotions that excludes Sam. In a platonic reading of the show, it makes zero sense for there to be such a hugely disjointed relationship between Cas and Dean and Cas and Sam given he has known them both for so long now that if they were all “just friends” then surely Sam would also feel the impact of Cas’s choices as heavily as Dean. In a platonic reading, Dean comes across as an asshole, Sam comes across as being weirdly uncaring about his friend of 10 years, and Cas comes across as not even bothering to get Sam’s opinion before leaving. A romantic reading makes sense because quite literally THIS IS A ROMANTIC BREAK UP.

2. The words spoken. 

“Well I don’t think there is anything left to say.”

“I think it’s time for me to move on”

From Cas’s perspective at least, name one time in a piece of media where such language has been used for a platonic breakup sincerely? There have been heartfelt break up songs that use these exact words. (I should know I’ve spent the last 24 hours listening to them all).

That last line in particular is so heavy. It’s the last line of the episode and nothing about it is platonic. This is relationship terminology my dudes. “I need to move on, and get over you.” This is Cas’s bloody Adele song. My heart breaks for him, but if I was his sassy and fabulous best girlfriend right now I’d be sitting him down, sipping a cocktail, flipping my hair and telling him “Babe, you’re too good for him. Good Riddance. Let’s go out, have some cocktails, something pink and fruity. No dive bars for us darling. I’ll take you to Heaven... the fun one in London.”

In all seriousness though, from Cas’s perspective, this was him admitting defeat and giving up the fight for love. How anyone can possibly say Cas isn’t in love with Dean after this, well I just don’t know what show you are watching. This is the face of a heartbroken man who has just accepted that his love is unrequited. 

3. The many faces of Dean Winchester

On the other end of the scale, Dean was mostly silent after his poisonous words “And why does that something always seem to be you?”

Forgive the terrible gif quality I’ve no time for fancy gif work!

Look at his face here. He knows what he said was fucked up and he immediately regrets it. The way he swallows around that regret and then turns away.

and after Cas says that devastating final line and walks away? We get THIS reaction from him:

The jaw clench as he looks down. The sorrow on his face as he realises he has well and truly fucked this up. LOOK

Finally, he looks up, makes himself look up and watch Cas leave. If that isn’t the face of a broken man I dunno what to tell you. Anyone who thinks Dean is totally heartless and uncaring right now needs to reassess because this is NOT the face of someone uncaring. This is the face of someone who has just lost everything. Again. 

4. The FUCKING MUSIC

Seriously. The sweeping heavy drama of the low strings that come in right after Dean says that horrid line, that carry the weight of the look of horror and heartbreak on Cas’s face as they amplify the emotion there. As they blend seamlessly into the slow and subtle version of the Winchester family theme behind Cas’s heartbreaking speech and Dean’s stubborn stoic face hiding a multitude of emotion, until the violin dominates as Cas says “I think it’s time for me to move on” and the Winchester Theme swells to its climax, ripping all our hearts out just like poor Ketch as Dean watches Cas walk out of his life surrounded by darkness. 

I MEAN.

A friend on Twitter reminded us all of this point about the importance of this theme via @justanotheridijiton​ here which is essentially:

“The Winchester theme is not simply an aural marker to let the audience know when and how Sam and Dean love each other (any Supernatural fan knows that is the baseline of their relationship), but to provide narrative information, especially when the image and dialogue are incomplete or inconsistent with the true situation...  Seasoned fans will recognize the theme and its history of being paired with images indicating deep emotional bonding and a desire to do the right thing by the Winchester code. Here we trust our ears over our eyes to reveal the truth.”

So here is yet another key indicator that any surface read that this is actually an ending between Dean and Cas and that Dean really is just an angry asshole is utter bullshit. 

Honestly, this was PAINFUL, but it was painful in the best way. It was 13x01 levels of pain, but this time it was Cas choosing to walk away which makes all the difference. Dean’s greatest fear isn’t his loved ones dying on him after all, but of his loved ones choosing to leave him. This was exactly the kick up the ass Dean needs in order to win Cas back, classic love trope style. 

Hence my excitement at what is to come. Yes we won’t see Cas again until 15x06, but in the meantime I fully expect a good helping of angst and wallowing from a depressed Dean who has to deal with the fact that he has just lost the love of his life and it is all his fault. That he just pushed away the one person who promised they would always stay by his side. That has got to hurt. 

So yeah, this episode emotionally destroyed me, and I’ve only really covered the primary reason, let alone all my feels over SamWitch, Rowena’s death, Belphegor’s taunting of Cas over his deepest fears and then having to suffer through smiting a creature wearing the face of his son until his body was nothing but a burnt corpse... I wonder if Bobo had a bet going in the office over how much he could hurt us all? He was certainly enjoying scrolling through the Supernatural tag on Twitter and liking everyone’s reaction tweets including some brilliant Destiel related ones. I do love Bobo. Our Angst Goblin King. 

If anyone had asked me a few weeks ago what my thoughts were on the chances of getting explicit canon Destiel by series end, I would have said somewhere in the realms of 30-40%, considering it a battle of wills between DabbBerens and CW studio execs who I still feel are against it in general. I would have considered everything that happened after 13x06 as the writers getting a big NO on Destiel from the network and therefore having to pull back on any Destiel related plot points (purely my own speculation on BTS matters of course).

Now I am wondering if Dabb kept fighting the network? If he managed to wear them down into begrudging acceptance? I’m currently up to around an 80% chance of textual canon DeanCas if we continue on this path. If Dean is clearly shown to be mourning and hating himself over Cas next episode, and if this DeanCas dramatic plot line continues to be a focal point of the emotional story arcs... well...

I’m side eyeing 15x07 a lot right now. Only in my wildest dreams would I think that they might actually introduce an old boyfriend for Dean in a “coming out” episode, but the placement, timing, and potential is all there and I’m kind of once again donning the clown mask because I’m just in awe at everything that they are doing. I guess we’ll find out soon enough. In the meantime, I’m gonna paint my face in red and white and wear my rainbow wig and listen to break up songs on Spotify whilst trying to shove my heart back into my chest where Bobo Beren’s gleefully ripped it out with his hands like the demonic angst goblin he is. Wish me luck, I’m not sure I’m gonna get through this season with my emotions intact.

[aerielz]

1, 3, 8, 9, 12!!!!! and like. any others because i love talking tww with you! also i assume your really stressed with finals and school and life, so this is a reminder from a friend that you’re going to be okay! it will all be over soon, and you have so much strength and intelligence that you can surely handle this<33 so yeah, here you go- distraction AND reassurance, hope this helps🥰

At some point you're going to make me cry, okay? You’re the best!!!!! I also love talking tww with you, and it really does help. Finals have been killing me, and I really needed this!

On to the answers!

[Under the cut because I really went for it. and I mean... I went for it. check the last answer if you want just the headcanons, everything else for unpopular opinions, lmao]

1: favorite episode(s)

Ohhhhhhooooo boy. There’s an endless list. I think I can name a season’s worth of them, but here’s ones I can pull from the top of my head:

Crackpots and These Women: and here’s some of my rationale behind the choice. but yeah, I could go on and on about this episode.

Nöel: listen, I’m a basic bitch who’s in love with Josh Lyman, okay, is that simple. But. yeah, like, no. here’s the thing, there’s a reason why everyone won Emmys for this one, ok. the writing is freakishly good, and Bradley Whitford can draw nuance from a fucking comma. that episode is absolutely off the charts when it comes to just about any aspect of the filmmaking. it’s what happens when everyone involved decides to live up to their potential. it’s one of those I need to reign myself in, otherwise I'll just go full analysis and there’s no end to that meta lmao

The Steakhouse Filibuster: the way this episode works is... pure fun. I'm a writer and it doesn’t turn off and I will start taking about structure unless I shut up now, so. also, DONNATELLA MOSS, who I'm, also, in love with.

Hartsfield’s Landing: “You're a good father, you don't have to act like it. You're the President, you don't have to act like it. You're a good man, you don't have to act like it. You're not just folks, you're not plain-spoken. Do not - do not - do not act like it!” “I don't want to be killed.” "Then make this election about smart, and not. Make it about engaged, and not. Qualified, and not. Make it about a heavyweight. You're a heavyweight. And you've been holding me up for too many rounds.” This exchange carries a lot of meaning for me. it’s about being who you are in spite of outside opinion, and this idea has been hitting me like a truck, these last couple of months.

Holy Night: [cries in JD shipper language]

Commencement: hands down the best episodes this show has ever produced, season finale notwithstanding. but I'm biased, because they used Angel, and I loved that song. also: DONNATELLA MOSS.

The Supremes: everything Debora Cahn ever wrote for this show deserves more love. This episode is a work of art, and. like. Glenn Close, man. also: DONNATELLA MOSS. are we sensing a theme, perhaps?

No Exit: THIS EPISODE HURTS SO GOOD. And for many reasons, including the fact that we get cj and donna’s scene. I'm queen of unpopular opinions when it comes to this show, tbh, and this is just one of them. It’s one of those really serious episodes that happened post-sorkin that gave the actors a chance to shine through the lens of a more poignant drama. Janel is so good here, I can’t stress that enough.

King Corn: [more cries in JD shipper language. louder]. I love how they stress just how much Donna is growing by paralleling her routine with Josh’s. She’s on his level now, they’re on the same boat. Not just that, but we see the toll the distance takes on both of them. It’s distance makes the heart grow fonder in perfect visual form. writing-wise, it’s impeccable. and since I actually like the direction the show took after Sorkin left, I really like this one.

Freedonia: Eli Attie’s creative is paralleled by none short of Vince Gilligan (of breaking bad fame). After he arrived on the show the political content got to a whole new level, and under his writing we finally got to see josh being the genius political operative we were always promised he was. I mean, the chickens. the damn chickens.

The Cold: the writing and the kiss and the FUCKING BEAUTIFUL SHOTS OF JOSH AND DONNA FRAMED BY LIGHTS and the kiss and the acting and the kiss and [crying] the kiss.

3: favorite ship

There are ships that we love for a few months and then let go. Then there’s ships that stay with you long after you watched the show. Then there’s ships that change your life. Then there’s what JD did to me.

But Andy/CJ killed me and continues to kill me, and you’ve successfully convinced me to ship the shit out of the OT3, too.

8: scene you watch over and over again

To be honest, while watching the show I had the remote on my hands and watched everything that made me laugh or just mildly happy multiple times before even allowing the episode to play through.

I mean, the kiss from the cold... I literally just kept replaying it when I got to it. I watched it like seven times before even continued to watch the rest of episode. not just that, but also the shots of them looking at each other at the end.

Also: cj and the turkey. cj and toby and the dead brother. donna and the chicken. that scene in which toby lays his heart out for will about writing because honestly that just too close to home and the recognition hurts but like in a nice way.

But, for real. This entire show was me pausing every five second to rewatch something.

9: plot you pretend didn’t happen

Bartlet giving the go on killing a foreign leader, because political assassination does not sit well with me (ʘ‿ʘ✿)

12: headcanons

ok now you really want me to stay here the whole week. here’s a small list:

- unpopular opinion: josh was actually in love with Amy for a second, there. which is why he’s learned so much from the debacle that was their relationship.

- remember when sam once said “I never knew how much smarter than me he is” when he has to step in for josh as DCoS? that’s when he realised that Donna can keep up with Josh. Which is why he knew, before everyone else, that Donna would leave Josh eventually.

- I can’t remember if this is cannon, but I'm 100% sure josh never even thought of taking the bar. sam will never be over teasing him about it.

- after so many bad christmases, josh really doesn’t like it. but he starts reevaluating his opinions after they he gets married to donna. getting to see the kids light up at both Hanukah and Christmas year after year... let’s just say family has this way of making things feel better.

- cj regularly gets called to guest lecture at Columbia. she regularly declines. but she does accept once. and it changes everything (YOU KNOW WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT ALEENA).

[jlf23tumble]

Top 10 Niche Interests

Fixations? Obsessions? This is incredibly hard because I have wayyyy too many niche interests, so instead of stressing about it, I tried to channel the 10 things that immediately speak to me and maybe aren't so obvious from what I post here, like how much I'm obsessed with wigs, doll furniture, incredibly specific blogs, all forms of clothing with pockets, swimming pools, whimsical bus stops, over-the-top bathrooms, etc. etc Instead, I opted for some specifics that feel a little more evergreen and long tailed, like, so LIFE-long tailed that it's tough to nail down when or how they became part of the national psyche. I thank @alienfuckeronmain​ for the initial tag, and I'm tagging her AGAIN for round two because I know she has a billion additional niche things, and she'll post them, and I'll scream because it'll trigger five other things I neglected to post here, and I'll probably post my own round two, arggggh, insert aggressive sighing. Anyway, I tag ANYONE who wants to do it, just tag me so I can see! 

1. Indoor Trees

I have no idea why this concept PULLS so hard because houseplants are kind of meh to me, but you want to plant an entire-ass TREE indoors, in the place where you live? Me, too, and I'd add a conversation pit plus a combo gold/red bathroom, among other things, and, bam, we're in my imaginary dream home, which I have literally, constantly ALWAYS mentally constructed from the time I was about six or so. (If you're curious, it has multiple themed rooms, and the closest I've seen to it recently is the outstanding Dita von Teese AD feature, but Amy Sedaris’s apartment comes close, too). There are two (2) 1960s houses in Long Beach with magnificent indoor trees, but I can't find them online, so have this modern interpretation and cry with me about how I can't visit the multi-story fake tree inside Clifton's Cafeteria for a good long while:

2. Conventions of Fans of Any Kind

One thing that I don't think I'll ever lose is how much I *love* people who are fans of SOMETHING, people who have a passion and create something about it or cosplay it or simply gather to celebrate it and connect to other people through it. The Internet provides in all kinds of ways, but I'm talking specifically about IRL conventions and the way my heart pitter pats when I first walk in those doors, SWOON! And it doesn’t matter how big the convention is or how random, I've been to smaller events like CatCon and the My Little Pony convention all the way up to biggies like WonderCon and Comic Con, and I have yet to be disappointed. I might know jack shit about what I'm walking into, but I want to see the merch, hear about the panels, and check out the people who are fucking PUMPED to be there. Sadly, I think it's gonna be a lonnnnng time until these come back, but I can live vicariously through my old photos, sigh:

3. Dutch Wax Fabrics and African Fashion

I'm not the snazziest of dressers, but textiles, colors, and patterns have been an obsession that has soothed my visual soul for as long as I can literally remember. Wax fabric marries all three of those touchpoints, plus throws in a healthy dose of style, and I count myself lucky to have seen two big exhibits on the subject (this was one of them), oh, how I wish there were more! For sure, there's a fucked up underlying colonial/imperialist history here, but there's also humor and color and vibrancy, a reclamation of sorts, and multiple levels of fashion that take my breath away. I cannot do the different patterns justice at all, but the fan motif is one of my faves:

4. Hearst Castle vs. Madonna inn

These two fall into my #home tag because they're where I'm from, and they speak to me as equally sublime and ridiculous, camp and kitsch writ large and small, different (yet similar!) versions of Xanadu that two rich white men built as shrines to their own personal "taste." And the irony is that a lot of people shit on Alex Madonna for being tacky (the Madonna Inn is...uh, something else), yet praise WR Hearst for all the high-class art and architecture, most of which is fully lifted from desperate churches between and after world and yet they're both more or less the same concept (lodging for weary travelers, self-aggrandizement, questionable taste-mixing). Hearst Castle edges out slightly for me because it's bigger and has spectacular scenery and history, plus it gives me doses of LA noir thanks to the way Hearst killed a guy in a jealous Charlie Chaplin-related rage and Hedda Hopper covered it up, all kinds of old Hollywood shenanigans happened up there, etc. But I'm low-key an expert on both houses of the holy, I'm OBSESSED with both, and we can leave it at that. I mean, come on:

5. Snow Globes

I had to cull my personal collection slightly just to fit it all on the dedicated shelf in my bathroom, and I seriously need to refill all the water lines, but nothing beats a snow globe in terms of memorable souvenir, especially when you put it in a bathroom. The majesty!!! The jewel of my collection is the one from Sherwood Forest because WHY NOT celebrate a historic place and moment in the basic way?? He robbed from the rich to give to the poor, and the gift shop about 100 feet from the tree he hid in does the same! The circle of life! The irony of all the watermarks on this blessed image...protect:

6. Highly Specific Museums

Look, we can all agree that the more venerated museums in the world are a form of garbage in terms of what they represent, what they've done, and who runs them, but I'm here for the museums that collect and celebrate things that tend to get overlooked. There are too many to list that I love that are still thriving, so I'm going to say goodbye to four recently departed faves. RIP to the Pez museum, I'm so glad I saw you and purchased your stale candy souvenirs. RIP to the museum of terrible food, you were a pop up when Phoenix and I saw you, and I will forever think about the worker describing people literally vomiting during their visits. RIP to the currywurst museum in Berlin, I've had currywurst exactly once and it was not for me, but I respect the Journey you took me on, including obscure east German TV shows that helped make you so popular (??). Finally, RIP to the velvet painting museum, there's no way to mince words, the person who owned you was crazy AS FUCK and had zero clue how to run a business, but I'm so glad I saw you multiple times and purchased my own velvet treasure (not this exact one, but remarkably similar):

7. Liminal Spaces: Grocery Store Edition

Confession time for those who don't know me all that well, I'm a big time voyeur, and nothing fills my heart with joy like a walk at 7 or 8 pm, the witching hour when people haven't pulled the curtains, and I can scope out their decorations/furnishings without it being "weird." Another confession is how much I unabashedly adore grocery stores in other countries and will spend at least an hour wandering aisle by aisle, falling in love with how much everything is different yet completely the same:

8. Agatha Christie Novels:

As a child, I was a fairly compliant reader--I had to read something for school? Okay! For my mom? Sounds good! But the books that sparked the initial fire for me to read something purely for myself were second-hand (probably fourth- or fifth-hand, judging by cover art) Agatha Christie short story anthologies, which were the gateway drug to full Agatha Christie novels, then other mystery novels, and so on. But getting back to Agatha, I obviously loved all the stories, but every decade spawned incredibly good cover art (like, exceptionally good), and this particular artist's are right up near the top for me (I go back and forth on a lot of the '50s and '60s ones):

9. Scopitones

I link my obsession with scopitones both to my love of music videos in general and a shop in Austin, TX, that sold DVD compilations of them in particular, but either way, they're underappreciated and kitschy all in one! Francoise Hardy and the rest of the ye-ye's are my forever girls for this medium, but seemingly every country cranked them out, both actual set videos and "live" performances? If you don't know what they are, scopitones were machines that played music videos in French cafes in the '60s (??), so it was sort of your proto-MTV way to see your faves sing and dance. Oh, Francoise...so moderne!!

10. Cover Songs

I have so much patience and love for cover songs of any stripe, the more genre-bending and/or surprising, the better! My only minor beef is the trend in slooooooooowing down songs to make a point, but even those ones have a special place in my heart if they're effective. Live Lounge feeds my hunger the best, but my meta fave for representing this concept is Pulp's Bad Cover Version, which was already lyrically INSPIRED, a song about bad cover versions in terms of relationships, but then they did a video that was a visual "bad" cover version, with actors lip synching over an audio "bad" cover version, and all of it just worked? The cover for the single is someone in the band as a boy, making his own bad cover version of a Bowie album cover, it's meta meta meta, and I love love love, here's the video, if you're curious. In the more sublime cover category, I'm absolutely addicted to all of Orville Peck's covers, I truly hope he officially releases them sometime soon, but I wholeheartedly support any artist who does it: