#this attention to detail could only have been achieved by someone that deeply cares and deeply knows their character inside/out

[mintsandapples]

thinking about michonne making sure to grab that ‘ramona the pest’ book for judith - even in the middle of storming out and leaving behind the love of her life unsure if he will follow - because she knows her babygirl will love it

which made me think about michonne being away for a while on her mission to find the governor and yet she returns to the prison in 4x01 with a razor for rick because "his face was losing the war" and comics for carl because she knows he loves them

then about her immediately making sure to get a phone with a portrait of carl made as soon as the artist (benjiro i think?) mentioned he could never get it right for rick - even while grappling with rick's attempt to send her home without going with her - because she intimately knows how much carl means to him

she’s so thoughtful and loves her babies so much she makes sure they know she’s thinking about them even when they are (or feel) far way

[darkskywishes]

The Reality of Living with Anorexia

Content Warning: Discussion of eating disorders (no mentions of numbers); mentions of abuse, neglect, and sexual trauma (no explicit details of the trauma); mentions of suicidal ideation

Word Count: 2,000

When people think of anorexia nervosa, they often picture a young girl staring at herself in the mirror, obsessing over being "thin." This oversimplified image obscures the reality of an illness that is deeply rooted in pain, trauma, and self-loathing. Anorexia isn’t just a diet gone wrong or a quest for beauty; it’s an all-consuming mental illness that ravages the body and mind. It’s not a choice, and it’s not something someone can simply "snap out of." Sharing something so personal on a public platform makes me nervous, but I feel it’s necessary to address the harmful misconceptions so many people hold about eating disorders. While my story focuses specifically on anorexia because it’s the eating disorder I suffered from, I want to acknowledge that other eating disorders are just as complex and deserving of serious attention and compassion. Through my experience, I hope to reveal the raw, ugly reality of living with anorexia and dispel the harmful stereotypes that surround this disorder.

I was sexually abused at a very young age. I remember sitting in my childhood room, feeling a heaviness I couldn’t name, staring at my small hands as if they could hold answers I didn’t have. Because I didn’t have the words or understanding to process what had happened to me, the pain remained locked away, unresolved. Even as a very young child, my eating disorder began to take root. I didn’t have the ability to understand or articulate the pain I was experiencing, but it found an outlet in my relationship with food and my body. Over time, controlling what I ate became a way to suppress the chaos inside me, to manage emotions I couldn’t name, and to cling to a fragile sense of power over my life. The more I fixated on food and my body, the more I felt I could shield myself from the unbearable turmoil of my past.

Growing up, I was a perfectionist. Every achievement felt like an obligation rather than a success, and every mistake seemed to reinforce the belief that I wasn’t good enough. My parents were deeply abusive and neglectful, creating an environment where my pain was not only ignored but often actively exacerbated. Their harsh words and constant criticism reinforced the belief that I wasn’t good enough or deserving of love. They would make comments about my appearance, encouraging me to "watch my weight" or "be mindful of how I looked," which only deepened my obsession with control and perfection. What made it even more painful was how oblivious they seemed to the severity of my condition. Even as my body began to show the stark signs of anorexia—my gaunt face, my frail frame, my hollowed cheeks—they remained unaware or perhaps unwilling to acknowledge the reality. Strangers would stop me to express concern, their faces etched with worry, telling me I looked like I was going to die, but my parents never said a word. I was desperate for them to notice, to see that I wasn’t okay, but their silence and indifference were deafening. It felt as if my suffering was invisible to the very people who should have cared the most.

For me, anorexia was never about beauty. I didn’t want to look attractive. I wanted to disappear. My entire life, I had been sent the message that I didn’t matter—that I was worthless. The abuse I endured left me feeling as though I didn’t deserve to take up space, to exist as a person with needs and emotions. Anorexia became a way to physically manifest that belief. I remember standing in front of a mirror, not seeing a person but a silhouette, shrinking day by day. The smaller I became, the less space I occupied, the more I felt I was fulfilling what the world seemed to expect of me. On some level, I didn’t want to be noticed at all, yet at the same time, I desperately wanted my parents to see that I wasn’t okay. My suffering was so intense internally that I almost needed it to be visible externally. It wasn’t a conscious thought at the time, but in retrospect, I can see that my illness was very much a cry for help.

In many ways, anorexia also served as a distraction. It was easier to obsess over food and weight than to think about how everything else in my life was falling apart. When I was meticulously counting calories, obsessively weighing myself, or measuring minute differences in my body, I didn’t have to confront the crushing reality of being unloved by my parents, the lingering trauma of abuse, or the struggles of living in poverty. Fixating on food gave me a false sense of control in a life that otherwise felt completely out of my hands. My world was crumbling, but at least I could control what was on my plate.

Food insecurity as a child also played a significant role in exacerbating my anorexia. Growing up, there were times when meals were scarce, and hunger became a familiar ache. I remember the gnawing emptiness in my stomach and the way it felt like a hollow pit that would never be filled. The lack of reliable access to food created a complex relationship with eating—I learned to fear the absence of food but also to feel guilty when I ate. Anorexia allowed me to control that guilt and the chaos I associated with eating, even if the control was destructive. It’s a myth that anorexia is a "disease of privilege" or a "first-world problem." The reality is that it can affect anyone, regardless of socioeconomic status, and for those who have experienced food insecurity, it can become intertwined with past trauma and survival instincts in deeply painful ways.

Anorexia consumed every waking moment of my life. Food, calories, weight—these were the only things I could think about. I would spend hours watching videos of people cooking or eating, as if living vicariously through them could somehow fill the void inside me. At night, I would dream of food, vivid dreams where tables were piled high with feasts I could never touch. Sometimes, I would wake up in a panic, haunted by nightmares of binge eating, my heart pounding as if I’d committed some unforgivable sin in my sleep. The hunger was so relentless that even in my dreams, I couldn’t escape it. Every thought revolved around what I would eat, what I wouldn’t eat, how much I weighed, and how I could gain even more control over it all. There was no room for anything else—no joy, no hobbies, no connection with others. Anorexia didn’t just consume my body; it consumed my mind.

Anorexia’s symptoms are not just psychological—they’re physical, and they are ugly. My hair fell out in clumps, leaving patches of scalp exposed, a sight that made me avoid mirrors even more than usual. To compensate for the lack of body fat, my body grew lanugo—fine, downy hair meant to keep me warm, a cruel biological response to starvation. My skin was sallow, bruising at the slightest touch, and my eyes were sunken, ringed by shadows that spoke of sleepless nights and endless hunger. My pelvic floor muscles weakened to the point where I became incontinent, an indignity that brought unbearable shame. Every movement was exhausting, my joints ached as if they belonged to someone decades older, and I felt perpetually cold, even on warm summer days when others basked in the sunlight. These were the physical scars of my disorder, a body that was shutting down in its desperate attempt to survive.

But the most dangerous truth about anorexia is how deadly it is. Anorexia has one of the highest mortality rates of any mental illness. Starvation wreaks havoc on every organ in the body: the heart slows, the kidneys struggle, and the brain deteriorates. I would sometimes feel my heart flutter irregularly, a terrifying reminder that it was struggling to keep up. It isn’t an illness to be brushed off as a phase or taken lightly. Every skipped meal, every pound lost, every dizzy spell carries the potential for irreversible damage or even death. This isn’t hyperbole—it’s the stark reality of what untreated anorexia can do.

Even though I knew, deep down, that I wasn’t being healthy, I had trouble recognizing the severity of my disorder. I justified my behaviors, telling myself that I was just being disciplined or that I needed control in my life. The physical signs were there—exhaustion, brittle hair, constant coldness—but I minimized them. I convinced myself it wasn’t “that bad,” even when strangers voiced concerns that I was close to death. Admitting the truth felt too overwhelming, as it would mean facing not only my eating disorder but everything else in my life that was wrong. Anorexia felt like my only comfort, the one thing I could rely on when everything else was falling apart. It offered a perverse sense of security—a constant, unchanging companion in a world that felt chaotic and hostile. The thought of giving it up terrified me because it wasn’t just about losing weight; it was about losing my coping mechanism, the only way I knew how to manage the unbearable emotions and memories that haunted me. Without anorexia, I feared I would be left utterly exposed to the raw pain I had been trying to suppress for so long.

Treatment was brutal. Recovery wasn’t as simple as eating a sandwich or gaining weight. My own torment from anorexia was so overwhelming that there were times I genuinely preferred the idea of dying to gaining weight. Anorexia framed weight loss as the ultimate solution to all my problems, offering a deceptive sense of achievement and control. At the same time, weight gain was seen as a catastrophic failure—an unforgivable weakness. Refeeding—the process of reintroducing food to a malnourished body—was physically excruciating and emotionally tormenting. Every bite was a battle against the voice in my head that screamed I didn’t deserve nourishment.

One of the hardest parts of recovery was confronting the misconceptions others held about my illness. Friends would say things like, “You look so much better now!” not realizing that their well-meaning comment felt like an accusation. “Why don’t you just eat?” was another frequent refrain, as if my disorder was a matter of willpower. Even strangers felt entitled to comment on my body, either applauding me for gaining weight or making unsolicited remarks about how “healthy” I looked.

What people didn’t understand was that anorexia wasn’t just about food, even if it seemed like it was on the surface. It was about self-worth, identity, and fear. It was my body’s way of expressing the pain I couldn’t put into words. Recovery wasn’t about fixing my body; it was about untangling the beliefs and coping mechanisms that had taken root in my mind. It was about learning to sit with discomfort, to challenge the relentless inner critic, and to redefine what it meant to be “worthy.”

Today, I’m in recovery. I won’t lie and say I’m fully healed—there are days when the voice in my head still whispers cruel things. But I’ve learned to counter it with compassion. I’ve learned to value progress over perfection and to find joy in the small victories: sharing a meal with friends without anxiety, enjoying a dessert without guilt, or waking up and feeling grateful for my body’s strength.

If there’s one thing I want people to take away from my story, it’s this: anorexia is not a choice, and it’s not about appearance. It’s a complex mental illness that requires understanding, compassion, and comprehensive care. For me, it was also a coping mechanism—an outward expression of an internal cry for help. It served as a distraction from the deeper pain I couldn’t face, a way to feel in control in an uncontrollable world. Recovery isn’t linear, and it’s not about achieving a certain weight or looking a certain way. It’s about reclaiming your life and learning to see yourself as worthy of love, nourishment, and care.

[ddlcbrainrot]

Alright, I need to speak to SOMEONE with more of a vast understanding of characterization than me and considering well you can piece it together why I'm saying this to you specifically there's just a little bit of signs that point to you liking DDLC I dunno Anyhow but I got into ddlc about a month ago? I think I don't really remember, could've been a month and a half but from what I've seen, the wiser fandom belief is that Monika in no way feels any real romantic attraction to the player, and is just feeling like they are due to their desire and need to be real or that she's faking her attraction but, that doesn't exactly make sense to me, yknow? because in partial matters, the reason she starts doing what she does in the events of ddlc is because she wasn't given a romance route, so that points to her, in fact, craving romantic attention but being guarded off by the fact that the game literally doesn't have a route for her so even if by the end of the game she doesn't hold that sentiment, she did start it all because she wanted to be loved which by the end of the game? I still don't think it's just a masked desire to be real, sure, that can be present, but I don't think it's the singular thing that's on her mind and whilst the idea of her love being just the desire to be real, does make a lot of sense to be honest I really don't like it being the only thing, yknow? because to her at least, she does love the player, and I don't think the desire to be real would make sense for her actions after you delete her because post deletion she does outwardly reset everything so that you can be happy with the literature club and that doesn't make sense to me if she's just craving to be real, yknow? it can be a combo of wanting to be real and loving the player, but just wanting to be real alone doesn't explain why she chooses to set back the literature club and as well as the post-deletion-full-deletion I feel like people see her as being way more emotionally distant than she is I mean, place yourself as the only "real" one in a scenario, unable to achieve what could be your only lifeline to be real you'd do the same, right? but when she deletes the club it's because of Sayori getting admin permissions due to being head of the club, and Monika seeing herself doing all she did, going again deleting the club out of a mercy because, fairly, there's no happy endings in it I think that's it I write out alot, so yknow but yeah! those are all my thoughts seeya!

i feel like calling my takes "a more vast understanding of characterisation" gives them wayyy more credit than they should lol

in my experience, the fandom is kind of split between "monika did not love the player at all" and "monika did everything for the player and no other reason". which seems to be kind of a pattern when it comes to monika's character, shes either a complete monster or she did nothing wrong, she either loves the player or doesn't, she either cares deeply for the girls or she never cared at all. shes kind of always either one end of the spectrum or the other. and personally i think trying to fit her in such black and white categories really limit what you can do with her character.

my take on the whole "does monika actually love the player?" is yeah she definitely thinks she does, and maybe she does truly as well, but also it's way more complicated.

anyway, ive spent a lot of time questioning if monika's love for the player is real and the conclusion ive reached is that i don't think I'll ever be 100% sure if its not or if it is, simply because i dont think monika herself knows. she definitely truly believes its love, the main question is can we take her belief of it at face value?

Actually @beddhead-red and I had a convo about this a whileee back in the comments of this post so id suggest looking through that as well if you want a more detailed response

[vilandel]

Silver Cats & Black Roses

Chapter 28 – Unexpected For Nobles

A/N It's Waltz Time! The music in this chapter is a very famous waltz, Blue Danube by Strauss... I couldn't resist to use it to make Yamichar and even more Nozessa dance 💙💜 Also, Rill is a cutie pie.

Ao3 link

♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣

Vanessa really wanted to try the fancy wine at the buffet, at least just one glass, maybe even one sip. She never had many occasions to try the most expensive wine in the kingdom, after all.

But she hold back, which was easier to achieve she would have thought. But that wasn’t too surprising, as she longed more for Nozel than for wine at this point.

Vanessa sighed deeply. She hadn’t managed to join Nozel yet, as so many nobles tried to get his attention and he tried his best to avoid them. That must be a very daily thing when you were the head of a royal house, but Vanessa knew that her boyfriend loathed this kind of obligation.

All she wanted was to be with him, to comfort him. But to reach him was easier said than done, with the nobles trying to get Nozels attention and his horrible father watching him, ready to do what was necessary to make him yield.

Maybe it was just her imagination, but Vanessa was sure that Lac Silvas observant eye was also on her. Rather creepy, but in his mind, she was just a mere stone on his path, a hurdle towards his goal and if he wasn’t paying attention, she could become a danger for his ambitions.

Vanessa hated that Lac Silva considered himself above everyone else. Even worse, given how smart he was, the power he possessed and the immaculate reputation he had, in a way he was just that. From what she learned thanks to Océane Vermillion, he came from a house of low nobility, who was practically at the end of its career so to speak, and he still managed to rise above. It was impressive, there was no denying that.

But… Vanessa had always thought before that when someone came from a bottom and climbed the ranks, it was because of being kind hearted and wanting to do good for others. Asta was the living proof of that.

Sadly, Lac Silva was quite the opposite. One would have thought that by being married to royalty, he would have helped his birth house from complete disgrace and Acier Silva would have been certainly happy to help him. But Lac Silva never did anything, he was only loyal to himself. Even for an arrogant noble, not being loyal to your birth house at least a bit was still a rarity. Either because said birth house was too horrible to stay loyal to it for reasons. Or because your heart was too cold and arrogant to care for a falling house.

Vanessa was rather certain in which category someone like Lac Silva falls.

If she would listen only to her instincts, Vanessa would have loved to beat him up and giving him a piece of her mind. But as good this would have felt for a moment, it would have gotten her only more difficulties and consequences, as well as for the Black Bulls and Nozel, not to mention house Silva and probably also the Silver Eagles.

What had auntie Océane said? Be discreet, play the game and use your own rules to play. Vanessa was such a newbie in this so called game, she was still trying to understand all those complex details. Not to mention that not every noble and not every royal was good at playing this. Noelle, despite her knowledge, was rather lost in the etiquette, and Nozel was too honest, unable to manipulate. He doesn’t even want to, never did.

It was actually impressive how he managed to come this far with secrets and no lies, while never healing from his loss until recently.

Vanessa admired his inner strength, but it was time for him to not be alone anymore. She would be at his side from now one. And for that, she had a lot to learn about the world of royalty and nobility.

Océane Vermillion had said that a ball was a good opportunity to learn and to observe. Vanessa still wasn’t sure how she could learn in a place like this, but observe, this she did since she entered the ball.

She saw Noelle barely left her brother’s side, which was reassuring for Vanessa. At least, Nozel wasn’t alone and Noelle knew about them. She saw Solid Silva standing next to the buffet, a plate in his hand and eating something that seemed to be an éclair, looking bored. She saw Nebra talking to Zora, next to one of those huge golden pillars, almost hiding in the shadows.

Vanessa frowned. Why did it looked like they were aggressively flirting?

She definitely will investigate this in the near future. But for now, she had other things to focus on.

Lital Lys was dancing with captain Fuegoleon, probably the third or fourth dance. Vanessa smiled. If there’s going to be a betrothal during this ball, that wasn’t do to traps and that was decided out of love, then it would be undoubtedly captain Fuegoleon and Lital.

Vanessa was standing pretty close to the dancefloor and so, she waved at them as they danced nearby. Lital took the time to wave back with a smile and captain Fuegoleon nodded very kindly to her.

Nozels rival had also a knowing look in his eyes when he glanced at her. Vanessa didn’t know what to think about it. Could he know somehow? Captain Fuegoleon wasn’t an idiot and he knew Nozel rather well since childhood.

Well, if he knew already or not yet, Vanessa was certain that there was no danger coming from the captain of the Crimson Lions. In fact, he was certainly going to be a precious ally for her and Nozel.

Vanessa watched Lital and Fuegoleon waltz away from her, looking lovingly in each other’s eyes. She envied them a tiny bit. How much she wanted to be dancing with Nozel right now. Letting him lead, being in his arms, feeling as they were the only ones in the world…

Thinking back at their very first talk back in Spade, it was so unbelievable that she came to love him so truly, so deeply. But Vanessa wasn’t surprised at all. Maybe it was meant to be, maybe it was just a coincidence. But it happened and along with the Black Bulls, Nozel was one of the best things that happened in her life. She cared so much for him that Rouge now had also effect on Nozel. There was no way she would let him go at this point.

She looked at the waltzing pairs. So many nobles, so many people who didn’t danced with someone they loved, be it romantic or platonic.

Vanessa didn’t envy those people, she envied those who were actually dancing with the one they loved, whether they admitted it already or were still unaware about it or denial. Lital and Fuegoleon, Gauche and Grey, who looked so lovely in her silver dress and the black ribbon around her neck. Finral and Finesse, who looked so perfectly lovely in their matching green and silver clothes. And was that auntie Dea dancing with Luck at the other side of the dancefloor?

But despite her small envy, Vanessa wasn’t mad at those couple. On the contrary, she was really happy for them. In a way, it helped her, it strengthened her resolve to be with Nozel. As if it wasn’t already strong before.

She looked around this immense ballroom again, trying to find her boyfriend. She had to get to him, to follow one of auntie Océanes plans and win this battle. And show the world that Nozel was neither a chess piece nor a prize to win.

The Black Bulls were of course on edge, like most of the Magic Knights, because of what this ball was secretly implying. But they were also having fun, of course. Because the Black Bulls were always having fun, no matter what how everyone else would view it.

Gauche and Grey were dancing, as well as Finral and Finesse. Zora and Nebra just disappeared behind a pillar and Vanessa giggled, certain that they might started to do something a bit spicy. Luck was bonding with auntie Dea, Gordon and Henry were talking with a bunch of Blue Rose girls. Vice-captain Nacht was apparently in the small side-salon which had been organized as a gambling area. Vanessa giggled as she reminded how with the help of Finral and Noelle, Nacht successfully made captain Yami promise to not gamble in any way this night. A promise their captain probably only took in the end, because he certainly preferred to spent the night with captain Charlotte.

Speaking of, she had seen them dancing a bit and doing their best to avoid one of Charlottes suitor who wasn’t giving up to get a grip on her. And they also hide behind one of those golden pillars from time to time.

How much she wanted to do the same with Nozel…

But still, Vanessa smiled. She was truly happy for Yami and Charlotte. She hasn’t forgotten how surprised she has been to learn that those two captains were finally, finally together. And this like four or two days ago, when they were both coming to try their dresses for tonight’s ball.

Vanessa hadn’t only won an ally that day, but also a friend. Well, captain Charlotte had become a friend of the Black Bulls already during all those visits and being Lucks older long lost older sister. But now, she also became a close friend for Vanessa. They could relate about the situation of their respective love lives and how stupidly adorable their boyfriend could be.

Charlotte had also told her mother about the situation and Orchidea, who already knew that Vanessas loved one was from royalty or nobility, had given her full support as well. Which was actually welcomed, Vanessa certainly needed friends within those circles. It was a good thing to know kind, truly good people like Océane, Finesse, Charlotte and Orchidea up there. Of course, there was also Lital, but she had her own special position as a legitimated bastard daughter.

As she continued to look around, Vanessa saw Charmy at the buffet, which wasn’t surprising. But while she was eating, she was also talking to Rill Boismortier, the captain of the Aqua Deers. And they looked to be rather close. Had she missed something? Nero, absolutely lovely in her black dress with a few red patterns, was watch very calmly Magna and Asta having some kind eating competition. And there was a very upset Noelle walking towards them.

Wait a minute. Noelle had been with her older brother not too long ago. What happened?

Suddenly fearing for the worst, Vanessa looked around her, searching for burgundy satin with silver embroideries. She sighed in relief when she finally found Nozel again. But her relief was short-lived when she saw who was with him.

Lac Silva.

Oh no, that horrible man managed to get a grip on Nozel! Instinctively, Vanessa moved forward before she even realized it. She needed to go to him. And she would go to him. After all, she had promised to never let Nozel alone ever again. Oh, her boyfriend was doing fine, he had his back towards Lac. But still, Nozel was not alone anymore dealing with scumbags, he had her now!

But Vanessa was only able to do a few steps before a hand touched her arm.

“Oh, miss Vanessa, isn’t this a wonderful ball.”

Vanessa did her best to not sigh in frustration. It was just Josephine Roselei, Charlottes younger cousin, who accompanied them as well as Orchidea to the ball.

Of course, Josephine Roselei had no idea that Vanessa was the girlfriend of the captain of the Silver Eagles. Charlotte and Orchidea told their relative that Vanessa had been on a mission nearby and they invited her to get ready for the ball with them, because it would be easier to reach than to go back the base of the Black Bulls.

Thankfully, the young girl had believed it.

Josephine Roselei loved gossip and was a bit snob like a typical noble, but not that much. She was still kind, only a bit naïve and innocent. Vanessa got rather along with her. To her luck, Josephine also loved fashion and her dress had immediately won her over.

“Well, yes, lady Josephine, it is quite enjoyable so far.”

“Do you think that there are some betrothal that are going to be announced tonight? I have heard that this kind of ball was used to organized engagements between noble houses, sometimes also royal houses.”

“Oh, I heard about this as well. But I think it’s not the case anymore today.”

“Yes, it’s not a betrothal ball anymore. No one would do something like that to engage people behind their backs, when there’s nothing official to back them up. And in my opinion, no one can be that desperate.”

Vanessa hold back a bitter laugh. Oh, that sweet naïve noble girl. If only she knew…

“You seem a bit upset about that fact, my sweet lady.”

“Well, of course! I would love to be engaged to a good, honourable lord, who would cherish me and honestly, I would adore to have a bunch of suitors running after me. But well… I’m not the most endearing party of house Roselei.”

“Oh come on, you’re a sweet girl with those brown hair and lilac eyes, not to mention that this gown in autumn shades suits you perfectly. There will be certainly some who would love to court you.”

“Yeah… But compared to my cousin Charlotte, I’m rather bland and still rather young. Of course they prefer the best party of house Roselei to me. But I don’t blame them, Charlotte is rather amazing in every way she looks and even more in everything she does! After all, she’s a Magic Knight captain and I’m just a standard noble lady who just came of age.”

“Well, to be fair, captain Charlotte doesn’t seem to be eager to be courted by all those suitors. I’ve seen her lately with captain Yami.”

“The captain of the Black Bulls? Oh, that’s a good way to scare away some lords. He looks scary and I know he is a mere foreigner, but damn… he’s so hot as well! I love buff men, too bad that it’s not a noble beauty standard. But if you ask me, it should be!”

“I like buff men as well, but between us, it’s not my favourite type.”

“Oh, what kind of men do you prefer?”

“Let’s see. Between buff and skinny, I’d say, fine muscles that doesn’t stand out. Oh, and elegant traits without being too round or too pointy. It’s a bit difficult to explain. The type of men like Nozel Silva for example. I find him pretty handsome.”

“That he is. But he’s royalty and royals are always beautiful. Look, he’s talking with his father, lord Lac. He’s quite handsome as well for his age, but he would be even better without the moustache. I hate moustaches, men should only let them grow once they are old. It’s a grandfather style.”

“Tell me, what do you think are they talking about?”

“Oh, probably about lord Nozels future wedding. There are rumours about it lately and also reasons to believe that they are true. Most people are betting either on Prudence Évantail or Athénaïs Vitrail to be the future lady Silva.”

Oh, yes, Vanessa knew that. It was fair to say that Lac Silva, Prudence Évantail and Athénaïs Vitrail were the three people she was currently hating the most in this ballroom and probably in general. Mostly because how the view Nozel and how they behaved with him.

She had seen Prudence and Athénaïs a few times during this ball. Only from afar, there was no way she wanted to ever talk to them. Besides, both of these bitches probably weren’t even aware of her existence.

Even right now, Prudence and Athénaïs were mostly either glaring at each other like two wild beasts ready to fight or focused on Nozel looking at him with such greed it made Vanessa almost wanna puke. Prudence, looking sadly amazing in this wide dark green and golden gown, wasn’t that discreet, looking at Nozel like a dry plant longing for water. Athénaïs, who was sadly not an awful vision with this royal blue mermaid dress with the golden patterns, was more holding back, probably due to the presence of her sister Rosette, but anyone must have been blind to not see how she looked at Nozel in superior and possessive way.

It really made Vanessa sick.

Josephine hadn’t noticed anything from her, as she continued to talk. “Even those two believe that one of them is going to married to Nozel Silva one day. But, between us, I firmly believe that neither of them will be a Silva princess. Lord Nozel is so secretive and mysterious, he might surprise anyone with his choice. After all, he put lady Noelle in the Black Bulls and from what I heard, she’s doing great so it wasn’t a bad choice like everyone said. I’m ready to bet the family jewellery of house Roselei that the future wife he has chosen is going to be a surprise as well.”

This made Vanessa raise a brow. “You really believe that? Do you think that… maybe it might not even be a noble.”

“That would honestly be very bold, but even though I don’t quite believe it, why not? It would still be a surprise and aunt Orchidea told me that not all commoners and peasants are bad people, and she usually right. I mean, you’re a witch but you’re actually so much nicer than most nobles my age, miss Vanessa.”

“Oh, thank you for the compliment. You know what, as thanks I will make a kind young man dance with you, you clearly deserve that. Let’s see… Oh, Klaus, over here!”

Klaus Lunettes from the Golden Dawn came to them immediately, as the rather stern but kind gentleman he was.

“Miss Enoteca, how nice it is to see you again.”

“That’s Vanessa for you, honeybun. Klaus, I need a favour from you.”

“How can I be of any help?”

“I’m not sure you’re acquainted with lady Josephine Roselei. Isn’t she looking lovely? She is also a very lovely girl, but sadly no lords are kind and polite enough to invite her for even one dance. Would you be such a gentleman and invite her for the next dance?”

Vanessa didn’t even wait for Klaus’ answer, as she practically put Josephines arm on his and pushed them towards the dancefloor.

Good, now Josephine has finally a kind guy to spend some time with and Vanessa could finally sneak behind Nozel and Lac. Too bad she couldn’t hear anything, but she could see disappointed and arrogant Lac was looking, while Nozel has still turned his back to him.

“Continue like this, honey. I know you won’t yield to him.”

“Need any help?”

Vanessa jumped and turned around. An old and a young woman were standing behind her. The younger one was Grenadine, Nozels adorable little newbie, which immediately calmed Vanessa down. But she didn’t know the old lady.

“My name is Julia Ambrosia, probably the oldest member of the Silver Eagles, nice to meet you properly. You can call me granny. Vanessa, right? You want to talk with young Nozel? Let me handle this. You, Grenadine, you stay with her.”

Before Vanessa had any occasion to respond, Julia already walked firmly towards Nozel and Lac Silva. Grenadine put a hand on her arm in compassion. “Granny Julia is still pretty quick for her age, but you don’t have to worry, she will save captain Nozel from his father.”

“He indeed looks like he could use some saving,” Vanessa replied slowly, having the impression to miss something. “How are you, snookums? No problems with your fathers family so far?”

“The worst most of them do tonight is ignoring me, which is honestly the better option compared to others. But not everyone is ignoring me. Thanks to my sister Églantine, I finally was able to meet another brother, Candid, as well as a great-aunt, Clémentine. Those three are the only Évantails that are accepting me and honestly, it’s more than I could ever dare to ask for. I’m actually happy to call them family.”

“I’m happy for you,” Vanessa said with a smile. She became quite fond of this little Silver Eagle, not only because of Nozel, but also because Grenadine was just such a nice young girl.

Grenadine smiled back at her. “Captain Nozel is happy for me as well. You two are truly perfect for each other. Granny Julia was right about that.”

“Wait, what?”

Vanessa had no occasion to properly ask, as said granny Julia pushed a pretty much confused Nozel towards her and said, “Go finally enjoy the ball together, you two lovebirds. Come, Grenadine, our job here is done.”

Before either Nozel or Vanessa could reply anything, both Silver Eagles immediately went away, Grenadine back to her three good family members, Julia to the buffet table were all the alcohol was.

“Honey, please tell me I’m not the only who has the feeling to have missed something,” Vanessa giggled, rather amused by this whole scene.

“Do you think they know?” Nozel asked back, looking so adorably confused.

“Well, it seemed like it. I can’t imagine how they would have find out, though. But maybe they saw me sneak into the base of the Silver Eagles once and added two and two together.”

“We probably weren’t as cautious as we thought. Or at least me. I was always so eager to see you that-“

“Oh, honey, you should really stop to blame yourself. And besides, it was pretty obvious that your two knights were supportive of us. Don’t focus on that, how are you feeling?”

Vanessa put a hand on Nozels cheek and could have melted when he pressed his own hand tenderly against hers. It felt so good to be finally so near to him again, to be filled by his mere presence, to feel his heart beating just as fast as her own.

“Lac wanted to make me swear to dance with either Prudence Évantail or Athénaïs Vitrail, or at least with another suitable noble lady for the upcoming Three Leaves Waltz. That’s why I have turned my back to him. Not replying to him and not looking him at him seemed like the best way to avoid anything you could do to make me yield. If I would have walked away, Lac would have followed me.”

“What a prick. Did he tried to threaten your siblings or anyone else you care about?”

“I’m certain he was about to do that. But Julia barged in before he could even say anything. Thankfully. I don’t if I would have been able to hold back more if Nebra, Solid or Noelle would have been threaten by him. Or you.”

“How can I blame you for that?”

Of course she couldn’t. Vanessa knew how much Nozel could care deep down. It wasn’t open with him, at least compared to Finral and Asta who were also deeply caring. But Nozel cared a lot and this was one of Vanessas favourite traits about him.

Threatening Nozel himself wouldn’t bring anyone anything. But threatening the people he cared about the most, that was another story. Vanessa knew that and it wouldn’t be surprising if Lac Silva was well aware of that fact as well.

Nozels free hand was now softly caressing her cheek, so Vanessa did like him and pressed her other hand against his. They were in the middle of a crowd, everyone could see and at the same time, between all this chatting, it was also possible that no one would take notice of them. It didn’t matter anymore to Vanessa. She didn’t care if anyone could see them now. After all, both of them were ready to finally go out of secrecy.

“You’re beautiful…” Nozel whispered, so simple, so soft, so tender.

“Thanks, honey. You’re very dashing as well,” Vanessa replied with a smile. She had been so happy to see that he was wearing the cape she had made him months ago. He even got himself a new ceremony suit to go with it! Vanessa knew that burgundy would suit him and even better, Nozel was wearing that cape with such pride. A fact that filled her with immense happiness.

Handsome. Just so handsome in every way.

Nozel sighed deeply, before asking, “Did everything went fine for you so far? Did you got no troubles with anyone from nobility?”

“Aw, you’re so sweet when you’re worried about me. But nothing happened so far. For most nobles, I’m just the infamous Drunken Witch of the Black Bulls. Not worth to take notice of.”

“You’re worth to me.”

“Which is good, I care about how feel than about noble jerks I don’t even know yet. But as a future wife to a royal Head of House, I might going to know them. Even though I really have no idea what is expected from such a role. Your horrible old man to be rather an exception on that matter.”

Nozel had blushed when she talked about being a future royal wife. Of course, they haven’t properly talked yet about wedding and marriage and such, but like auntie Océane told her lately, it was just a matter of time at this point. And Vanessa was more a person to call a cat a cat.

Still, Nozel smiled at her and pointed with his head to a direction. “You see this man over there? The giant with the white mane, wearing the crimson and golden ceremony suit. This is Achilles Vermillion, current head of house Vermillion, ancient captain of the Crimson Lions and grandfather of Mereoleona, Fuegoleon, Leopold, Kirsch and Mimosa. And three other Vermillions. I won’t bother you with all his other Vermillion relatives.”

“You did told me once it is a rather big house. Hm… he looks like an arrogant prick.”

“He actually is. I did told you that he loves putting shade on us Silvas for multiple reasons. It doesn’t matter if he gets contradictory, Achilles Vermillion would never admit it, he has too much arrogance for that. Apparently, it was already like that while my grandfather had been alive, always afraid if the other house was making better, always throwing shade, always brag if the own house was making better. Then it was with my mother and then me.”

“Gosh. And here I thought that most Vermillions were nice. Five of his grandchildren are amazing people. But to be fair, I don’t know many Vermillions. I don’t know many royals in general.”

“Six of his grandchildren are good people. Geneviève Vermillion is also very likable, I’ll admit. She became a nun, which isn’t common for royalty, but at least she is happy. The other two, though… they got the arrogance of most royals.”

“And who’s the old frail lady next to that Achilles prick?”

“His wife, lady Violet. Her situation is probably what awaits most royal spouses when you’re married to house head, especially in arranged marriages. Be quiet, staying in the shadow of your spouse and giving heirs to the house. Nothing else. Or you try to play a game and become someone important, you gain your own power. Lac is of course part of the second option. But he is still rather an exception, because of how far he came by playing the game for his own goals. He played everyone like a fiddle and Achilles regrets to not have him in his house. Lac came from a lost noble house and managed to reach the top. But of course, his example is not one to follow, as he only worked for himself. I don’t want either of those two situations for you, Vanessa. I know you will never act like my father. But you see how quiet and invisible Violet Vermillion is. I refuse to let you become like this as well, it would be like a cage.”

“Nozel, I KNOW that you would never put me in a cage. That wouldn’t be you, with how much care and the person you are today. But I needed to know how being a spouse to a royal Head of House would be. Now, we both can make the difference. You’ve been carrying your house and mothers legacy for so many years alone. I want to be at your side, to help you and to make sure you can relax more often. I would a very bad girlfriend if I just let you be all alone again.”

Nozel didn’t answered, but the look in his eyes was worth more than thousands words. Vanessa wished she could kiss him, but this was rather difficult right now, in the middle of a crowd. Maybe if they could hide behind a pillar, just like captain Yami and captain Charlotte or Zora and Nebra… Vanessa grinned. That sounded like a plan.

But just as she took Nozels hand, a sound was heard from the other side of the ballroom, making them both turn towards that direction.

“What happened?” Vanessa asked.

“I don’t know. It looks like Mereoleona has to be hold back by her brothers to beat up someone. Probably a mere noble who might be rather desperate to court her. No one in their right mind would ever dare to court Mereoleona Vermillion.”

Vanessa chuckled. That sounded about right.

All the other people, even those around them, were now focused on the fire Vermillions and the poor lad that try to invite Mereoleona to dance of something. Nozel noticed that as well, as he put an arm around her waist and pulled her into a slow, deep kiss.

Vanessa was very taken aback by his action. After all, even with the focus being on someone else than them, they were still in the middle of a crowd. But it didn’t matter anymore. Vanessa gave in to the kiss, holding on Nozels shoulders as if her life depended on it.

Maybe it did.

“My gosh, honey. That was very bold, especially for someone like you.”

“I don’t care, I’m tired of keeping you a secret.”

Of course he did. And this was probably one of the traits Vanessa loved the most about him. She cupped his face again with one hand, looking lovingly into his eyes. One year ago, she would have never imagined to fall in love with him. But after Spade, it had been just a matter of time.

The orchestra started to play again, announcing a new dance, letting the dancers two to three minutes to find a partner and to join the dance floor.. And something with everyone’s reactions around them gave Vanessa uneasy feeling.

“Is it time already? For this betrothal-trap dance?”

“Yes. This is the music for the Three Leaves Waltz, which goes practically hand in hand with the Three Leaves Glory ball. Officially, it’s not to engage anyone anymore, but this is still the main idea behind it. Especially for those nobles who demanded for this ball.”

“Like Lac…”

Nozel nodded. She could tell that he was nervous, but there was a determination in his eyes she has rarely witnessed before. He would fight for her, for them. If he was so determined, then she was too.

“Are you ready?”

“With you, always.”

Just like at the wedding of Finral and Finesse, Nozel lead her towards the dancefloor. Slowly, as if she was a true princess, showing her off, proud to have her at his side. It felt a bit like they were already married.

Vanessa heard gasps and whispering around them as they reached the still empty dancefloor. But she didn’t pay any attention to it, her entire focus was on Nozel, on the man she would spend the rest of her life with.

It was only as the preparation music stopped and that Nozel stood in front of her, one hand taking hers, the other on her waist, that Vanesa realized they were still the only couple on the dancefloor.

Were the others that shocked?

“Honey, is this fine?” Vanessa couldn’t help but whisper.

Nozel just smiled at her. He was clearly as nervous as she was, but it was still reassuring. Especially as he whispered back, “Just look at me, Vanessa. It doesn’t matter what others think of us.”

Yes, he was right.

The music started.

And from this moment on, nothing else and no one else mattered. It was just them swaying across the dancefloor, only looking at each other.

Vanessa couldn’t take her eyes from Nozel and he kept looking at her as if she was a dream come true. Maybe she was for him. He certainly was for her. A dream she never realized she had before and it became true before she ever knew how much she wished for it.

He hold her hand and her waist firmly, but still in such a tender way. His eyes were full of love. It felt like they weren’t in the ballroom anymore, but somewhere else, a place only the both of them were aware of.

Vanessa smiled and felt her heart melt as Nozel smiled back. There was no need to hide their love anymore.

♣♣♣

Fuegoleon smiled as he watched his rival dancing with his beloved across the dancefloor. Alone, while everyone was staring at them, mostly in shock. Of course, no one would have thought that Nozel Silva would dance with Vanessa Enoteca, the Drunken Witch of the Black Bulls. It was a sight to see the couple dancing all alone and he was still surprised that Nozel, who always hated to be in the spotlight, had for once no issues about it.

Maybe because he was too much focused on Vanessa to realize that they were the only couple on the dancefloor.

The only couple on the dancefloor during the famous Three Leaves Waltz, which was supposed to officially engage people to each other behind their backs. The supposed highlight of the Three Leaves Glory ball.

Probably for the first time in his life, Nozel openly made nobility understand that he didn’t care about what they desired from him. Fuegoleon smiled, he knew that his rival deserved that.

Fuegoleon side-glanced at Lital, who had her arm on his and was watching at the dancing couple with pride. He remembered how his beloved came to him after her first day of work for Soie Velours and telling him that she had found out who Nozels secret lover was. Of course, Fuegoleon already knew that it was someone who wasn’t a noble nor another royal. But it still surprised him that it had been Vanessa Enoteca of all people. His first suspect had been Dorothy, but despite being more or less close, he never had felt any spark between her and Nozel.

But with Vanessa, he could see and feel the sparks. Fuegoleon might not know how those two found each other, but it was obvious much Nozel and Vanessa loved each other. Even though many nobles couldn’t see it.

“What a scandal,” a noble lady whispered next to him, a glass of champagne in her hand. Actually, she wasn’t a noble, but a royal. His own aunt, lady Leocadia Vermillion. Still looking pretty young for her age.

Fuegoleon didn’t like his aunt. In fact, the only aunt he loved was Océane. Who was looking proudly at her nephew dancing with a witch. So, this would mean that she wasn’t surprised, maybe she even knew it before.

“This… This can only be a mistake, right?” another noble lady whispered in a panicking voice. Oh, lady Cristal Vitrail. Fuegoleon wasn’t surprised she was a bit panicked. After all, her older daughter was considered a top candidate for Nozels future wife.

“A mistake, ladies? I don’t think so,” Lital replied with a very innocent voice. “Why would lord Nozel ever risk to make a mistake in front of everyone? We all know that this is not his style.”

Aunt Leocadia was about to reply, when Rosette Vitrail, lady Cristals younger daughter, looking gracious in her dark grey dress and the lilies at the bottom in three different shades of pink, stepped from behind the group.

“I’m certainly not an expert. But I think that they look beautiful together.”

Fuegoleon smiled. He didn’t know lady Rosette a lot, but right now, she seemed to be one of the most intelligent persons in this ballroom.

“You are right, lady Rosette. They look indeed beautiful, do they not?” Fuegoleon replied, putting some authority in his last sentence. Which had the effect he expected, as the other nobles around him immediately started to agree with him.

Sometimes, it was a good thing to use his royal authority.

“Then, why shouldn’t we join them on the dancefloor? After all, it’s not like this particular waltz can betrothed people to each other,” Fuegoleon continued with an innocent smile. “Pardon me, aunt Leocadia, I have to leave you alone now. Lital, would you do me the honour?”

“Of course.”

He lead Lital to the dancefloor, amused that some couples immediately followed their example. Like Yami and Charlotte.

“Do you still want to do it this night?” Lital asked after a moment, while they were swaying across the dancefloor.

“Yes, my dearest. It would help Nozel and Vanessa, not to mention Yami and Charlotte as well, so that the gossip won’t fall completely upon them. We both know how destroying this can be. And also… we waited for ten years, don’t you agree.”

Lital just smiled, her nacreous eyes brightening up as she did. Fuegoleon smiled back while leading her gracefully across the dancefloor.

Yes. Tonight would be a huge step towards the future, not only for Lital and himself.

♣♣♣

“Calm down, Yami. You’re disturbing the dance, just saying.”

“Forget the dance, I need to have a closer look.”

“I can’t forget the dance, since were dancing right now, in this very moment. That you’re worried about Vanessa, I can understand. But you don’t need to overreact like an overprotective brother, there’s nothing to worry about.”

“Nothing to worry about? She’s dancing with Bird Braid of all people!”

“They’re a couple.”

“That makes it even worse.”

Charlotte hold back a laugh. She didn’t know which was funnier. The fact that Yami was ridiculously upset about Nozel and Vanessa being a couple or the fact that despite his Ki-reading, he still haven’t realized that she wasn’t surprised by the reveal, which meant that she already knew.

Vanessa and Charlotte had agreed to not tell their respective boyfriends about their discovery before the ball. On one hand it was because Nozel and Yami were still rather stiff with each other, even though there was no hate like this between them. But this wasn’t the main reason. To be fair, it was more Vanessas idea, because she thought their reaction could be funny to witness, especially Yamis.

Well, she had been right about that one.

Charlotte just rolled her eyes as Yami tried again to have a better view on Nozel and Vanessa.

Which made them sway right into the third or fourth couple since the start of this dance. Thankfully, it was Gauche and Grey this time.

“You two, keep an eye on Bird Braid and Vanessa. Order from your captain.”

“No, enjoy your dance. There’s nothing to get all fed up about, trust me. I’ll handle your captain, okay?”

Grey was of course blushing terribly and Gauche looked upset for a second, then confused. After glancing suspiciously at Nozel and Vanessa waltzing peacefully, his eyes turned back to Grey. And Gauche seemed to conclude that it was better to trust the captain of the Blue Roses and to focus on his dance partner, who also happened to be his secret crush.

Yami looked like he was about to pout. “My whole squad prefers to obey you than me.”

“Yami, now you’re overreacting.”

“But it’s true! Every time you visit and we had a, well, half-heated discussion, those idiot brats always took your side. And they don’t even know that we’re together yet! As if it wasn’t enough that Luck is attacking me for being with you. Damn, why is he so overprotective, is not the older sibling out of you both.”

“No, he isn’t attacking you every now and then because we’re in a relationship. Luck is attacking you in repay for those ten years you couldn’t tell my feelings for you despite your Ki-reading. At least, this is what he told me.”

“Are you going to hold it against me for the rest of our damn lives?”

“No, I won’t! But Luck will, that much I can tell you. It just gives him an opportunity and an excuse to try to fight you. You know how Luck is.”

“Yeah, sadly.”

Now, Yami was definitely pouting, which made Charlotte unable anymore to hold back her giggle. For heaven’s sake, he could be such a child sometimes.

“Yami, stop making that stupid face, you aren’t five years old anymore.”

“Hey, you’re younger than me!”

“By one year, which doesn’t mean much for adults like us. And no, I won’t let you go over Nozel and Vanessa to play the overprotective father figure. Let them enjoy their dance.”

“That’s bullshit, I need to make sure that this stupid braided face is serious with one of my brats.”

“Oh, trust me, Nozel is more than serious about Vanessa. And she’s also more than serious about me, trust me.”

“Bird Braid, who has at least three sticks up his ass, and Vanessa, who can’t be serious for too long even when she’s not drunk? Serious about each other.”

“I know they are. Vanessa told me and I have honestly no reason to not believe her. So you can trust me on that.”

A beat.

Charlotte hold back a laugh as he saw on his face that Yami was finally connecting the dots.

“Vanessa told you… Hang on a minute! So ya already knew before they danced together all alone this fucking waltz or tango or whatever this is called?”

“It’s a waltz. And yes, I knew already. But to be fair, I only learned about not even a week ago. It was in Soie Velours shop, we came to try our ball gowns on the same day. And before you ask, yes, Vanessa told me a lot how she and Nozel found each other and just so you know, it was HER idea to not tell you or Nozel about it.”

“You mean, I just learned about Bird Braid and Vanessa before he learned about you and me?”

“Probably yes. And right now, Nozel is certainly too focused on Vanessa to even notice us.”

“At least something.”

“Oh, come on, don’t be so petty. And again, yes, Nozel is very serious about his relationship with Vanessa. Have you seen the diadem she’s wearing? It was a gift from him.”

“Yeah, and what’s so special about that shiny crap?”

“It has emotional worth. That diadem belonged to his mother, the late Acier Silva.”

“Shoot, are ya serious? Okay, forget what I said, I take shiny crap back. “

Charlotte smiled. At least, he was aware that Acier Silva was a very important topic for Nozel, so the present of this particular diadem to Vanessa was proof enough how serious he was.

“So, would you please do like Nozel with Vanessa and only focus on me for the rest of the waltz? I would love to enjoy fully to dance with you and not to hold you back to spoil the joy of another couple.”

Yami grumbled something, but in the end smiled at her and finally, finally they could fully enjoy their waltz.

Her boyfriend was maybe not the best or the most enthusiastic dancer, so she was mostly the one leading, but Charlotte didn’t mind. It was a wonderful feeling, to be in his arms and to turn around, forgetting everything and everyone around them.

Charlotte closed her eyes and pressed herself closer to Yami, way closer that it was supposed to be for a waltz. But she didn’t care. Her duties and her discipline were for her squad, not for her noble status and her house. Honestly, the only Roselei she truly loved was her mother. And maybe she had some affection for her cousin Josephine.

Yami hold her closer, softly and finally relaxing. It was good that he could be just calm and enjoy the moment, even during a ball like this. Charlotte smiled, while turning around with him. This was how she wanted the rest of her life to be.

But of course, the music and the waltz had to end, bringing them back to reality. And of course, Yami was getting all tense again because of seeing Nozel and Vanessa disappearing behind one of the golden pillars.

“Prickly Queen, ya sure I shouldn’t follow them, just in case.”

“Yes, I’m sure! Try to get a distraction to calm you down. And no, I don’t mean smoking any cigarettes by that or having a toilet break.”

“I don’t want to take a dump anyway and I haven’t brought any cigarettes with me.”

“William is at the buffet, choosing for a drink. How about you catch up with him? It would distract you more or less from Vanessa and Nozel and you always have good talks with him.”

“Yeah, from our days at the Grey Deers and as rivals. Good ol’ times. Ya right, I might catch up with him. Maybe even tell him we’re a thing now. I owe him a bit after all, as he gave me some hints about how there was sexual tension between us and he even got fed up about… how dense I was, I think.”

Charlotte frowned slightly. William, fed up with something? He was one of the most patient people she knew. It certainly means a lot that he ended up frustrated with Yamis density. But to be fair, this was understandable.

“So, Prickly Queen, you wanna join me and Goldie Guts or do you prefer to check on your mum and your lil’ bro first? You haven’t talked to them since the start of this trappy party.”

“You’re right, I should spend a bit time with time, it would made Luck so happy. Go to William, I will join the two of you later.”

Charlotte put a rather passionate kiss on Yamis lips before they part ways. Yami joined William at the buffet, immediately putting a drink of his choice in his hand, while Charlotte went in the other direction, searching for her mother and her little brother.

But she couldn’t find Orchidea and Luck immediately. No wonder, there were many people in this ballroom. Some she knew, others she didn’t. Some she liked or at least appreciated, others she didn’t hold close to her heart at all. And others she just felt either respect for them or just plain neutrality.

It was really a game full of individual feelings towards many people and more complex than it looked like.

Charlotte saw one of her girls, Églantine, laughing with her bastard half-sister from the Silver Eagles. Grenadine, was it? At least some people from her noble family were accepting of her. Next to Églantine, there was also one of her younger brothers, Candid, a shy but very kind boy and their great-aunt Clémentine, who was very rebellious for an Évantail and for her age.

She saw Magna Swing and Noelle Silva arguing over something, while Asta looked he tried to compromise peacefully between his two squadmates, while Nero stood next to the trio, sipping her rose syrup with a neutral face.

Charlotte had witnessed enough scenes like this to know that it wouldn’t end in a big catastrophe. More or less. At least, Luck wasn’t involved.

Still, she wondered what the four Black Bulls were arguing about. Charlotte wouldn’t be surprised if it was about the revelation about Nozel and Vanessa. Didn’t Vanessa mentioned that Noelle knew about them? Well, with that in mind, Charlotte could imagine many reasons why Magna and Noelle started to argue and why Asta had to try to go between them to mediate.

Charlotte decided to not interfere at all and to continue to search her mother and her brother. But still, Luck and Orchidea were nowhere to be find.

But she saw her aunt Rosamund again, walking firmly above the black marble floor.

Charlotte quickly look around, searching for a path to flee. She had avoided this particular aunt the best she could tonight, so that she wouldn’t find herself getting engaged to Reginald Évantail before she could even say Blue Rose.

Only that… unlike the other times she saw her, aunt Rosamund wasn’t in the company of Reginald Évantail.

Instead, she was talking to a servant. A servant wearing the attire of house Roselei.

Charlotte frowned. As far as her knowledge went, only royal servants were at service for tonight’s ball. Not servants from a noble house.

Also… she didn’t recognized that particular servant. Was he new? Did her mother engage him? She was one of the rare ones responsible for the servants within house Roselei. While aunt Rosamund always deemed herself as too precious to take care of mere servants. It was a common knowledge within house Roselei.

Then why was she talking to a servant? And why during a ball she demanded herself, along with others?

Something was fishy.

Aunt Rosamund and the servant disappeared. Charlotte couldn’t decide if it might be a good idea or not to follow them.

“Oh, Charlotte, you are here! How nice to see you.”

Charlotte jumped, but relaxed immediately as she recognized Rill, looking so dashing and adorable in his white shirt with long puffy sleeves, his silky bright blue vest with pink and green patterns and his dark blue and dark green pants. Colourful, like the artist he was.

“Hello, Rill. Do you enjoy this ball so far?”

“Oh yes, despite all traps of betrothal and such, but I wouldn’t let this spoil my fun. I think I’m going to paint a big canvas of this ball starting tomorrow. And besides, I think that after that Three Leaves Waltz, all trap plans have taken a serious hit. And just because Nozel danced with Vanessa. Oh, have seen how beautiful they were? Dancing so gracefully, like angels, looking like the perfect image of love. I shall make a painting of their dance as well, don’t you think? It’s a surprise, but amazing still. Oh, and I saw you kiss Yami behind a pillar at the start of the ball, congratulations! I’m so happy you’re finally together.”

“I… thank you,” Charlotte replied, a bit overwhelmed by Rills enthusiasm. Then again, that was just typical of Rill.

“Isn’t amazing? Six captain are happily in love and in a relationship?”

“Wait, six?”

“Of course! Kaiser is happily married for decades, it’s only a matter of days now before Fuegoleon is betrothed to Lital, Nozel and Vanessa are the image of love, you and Yami are finally together and I’m happy with my beloved Charmy.”

Charlotte blinked. It took her a few seconds to realize what her youngest colleague just said.

“You and Charmy?”

Had she missed anything?

“Yes, I finally found out who my goddess was. I was rather stupid for not realizing it sooner, but that isn’t a big deal anymore, Charmy is now my girlfriend. Now only Jack, William and Dorothy are still single.”

“But… when?”

“Oh, just a few days after our return from Spade. Wait, you don’t know? Haven’t we told you all already? I thought we did. Oh, so this is what we forgot to do? Charmy and I had the feeling we forgot something, but I never remembered what it was.”

Charlotte, still overwhelmed, was about to reply when something small and kinda white caught her eye.

Just were aunt Rosamund were standing with that unknown servant, a small piece of paper had fallen. Had it fall from her aunt or from the servant.

Charlotte immediately went to pick it up, Rill of course following her.

“Oh, what’s that?”

“I have no idea. One of my aunts had been there not even a minute ago, maybe she dropped in inadvertence.”

Still, the feeling of something being fishy didn’t left Charlotte. Instinctively, she unfolded the piece of paper.

The order of the letters didn’t make any sense to her. Still, something about it was familiar. Hadn’t she seen something similar just recently?

It looked a bit like the coded message Sol and Asta found during their last mission in the Common Realm…

A sudden uneasy feeling waved over Charlotte, as a terrible thought came to her mind. If that small piece of paper had the same code like the message from the Common Realm… And if it truly fell from her aunt… Wouldn’t that mean that Rosamund…

Charlotte couldn’t be sure, but her gut feeling, as Yami called it, told her to take action right now.

“Rill, I have a terrible suspicion. Maybe this has to do with the thievery happening in the Common Realm.”

“Wait, what?”

“I can’t tell you more, maybe I’m wrong and maybe I’m panicking over nothing. But still, we can’t be certain. Try to be as discreet as you can and find the Wizard King. Plus, try to warn at least the other captains, but again, as discreetly as you can. We can awake any suspicions from most nobles present tonight.”

“I will do that. But what about you?”

“I have to follow my guts feeling. Don’t worry about me.”

And with that, Charlotte ran towards the direction Rosamund disappeared earlier.

[raeynbowboi]

How Kipo Makes Great Villains

I stayed up all night binging the second season of Kipo and the Age of Wonderbeasts, and I’ll admit. Going into it, my expectations were a bit low. Season One had such a self-contained objective, I didn’t know what the show was going to do with itself with a second season. But the second season of Kipo blew me out of the water. So, now I’m going to rant about why Scarlemagne and Jamack are fantastic villains for Kipo to confront, and what Kipo teaches us about writing antagonists. Obviously, spoilers ahead, but if you’re caught up, prepare to gush over great villains. If you’re not, do yourself a favor and go away, experience the second season for yourself, and then come back and fangasm over how great it was.

JAMACK

Kipo’s first antagonist is a perfect character foil. That is to say, Jamack is the exact opposite of Kipo. When Jamack meets Kipo, they are in exact opposite situations. He’s in a group while she’s alone. Later, when Kipo finds friends and is no longer alone, Jamack is kicked out of his group, forcing him to survive on his own. Jamack is very focused on self-interest and self-preservation, belittling his underlings for minor mistakes. His outlook is cold, cynical, and jaded. On top of that, Jamack grew up in this crazy world where only the strong survive. He’s also a part of the Mob Frogs, which seem to be the only mute culture with internal hierarchy. Other groups have a leader, but only the Mob Frogs seem to have levels of rank within the organization, causing the Mob Frogs to be competitive, even among themselves. So it makes perfect sense why Jamack will stoop to pretty much anything to get what he wants. Because that’s the mentality that allows for upward mobility in Las Vista. Thus, when Kipo arrives and upends the status quo and proves Jamack’s way of living wrong, he lashes out. Initially seeing it as her stealing his life from him, Jamack begins to gradually change. Jamack is on a similar and reflected hero’s journey to Kipo, and as she grows, so too will he. It’s no surprise that Jamack will eventually become a genuine ally of Kipo, even if he’s still hiding behind a Tsundere mask.

SCARLEMAGNE

My god is this a fantastic villain. In the first season, he was genuinely creepy and intimidating, but in season 2, Hugo became incredibly sympathetic. As season 2 went on, I kept debating to myself who is more of the Zuko of this show: Jamack or Hugo. Scarlemagne serves the same narrative purpose as the Diamonds in Steven Universe, about how words and kindness can work through problems. But I think it’s done a little better here, since Hugo isn’t a world-destroying dictator. He’s done some damage, but nothing that was really lasting. His pheremones can wear off. The humans he’s enslaved can regain their freedom. So, Hugo’s actual damage as a villain is much smaller and thus much more forgivable than immortal galactic conquerors. Hugo shows this deeply in that he genuinely seems like he wants to make Kipo happy, but he’s been hurt for so long that he doesn’t understand how to. And this genuine care seems to come a lot more from his core personality, and not just Kipo making friendship speeches. Even Steven didn’t really change the minds of the Diamonds. He just kind of proved he was their sister/nephew, and they suddenly cared about what he had to say. With Hugo, it’s much easier to see that he’s not a monster, just a scared and confused man lashing out to maintain control in a barbaric world. It makes him a character who you don’t want to see succeed in his evil plans, but you don’t want to watch him fail and lose everything he's worked for. You simultaneously want to hug him, and also punch him. It’s that perfect balance that makes Scarlemagne so well-written. He’s officially on my list of top 10 tv cartoon villains. Also, it’s hysterical that Hugo is voiced by the live action Beast, and the second half of this season was honestly a better Beauty and the Beast story than the live action movie. Am I the only one who hears Dr. Animo from Ben 10 when Scarlemagne speaks though?

DR. EMILIA

Talk about bait and switch. I don’t know if it was their intention, but I assumed the woman in the bird mask was Song, Kipo’s mother. It was clear that she and her goons were wearing burrow jumpsuits, and as it seemed more and more like her mother wasn’t dead, so I assumed this had to be her. This was such a great misdirection. Assuming she’s the hero because of our opinions of Scarlemagne, it’s what gives this show such amazing rewatch potential as now you can go back and pay attention to her words and actions and realize what she’s genuinely like. But even on a character level, she’s a fantastic villain. Kipo is a master of Talk no Jutsu, a fan term from the Naruto fandom, as he had a knack for talking literally anyone into becoming his friend, even the ones actively trying to kill him. Steven Universe and Kipo seem to be the other two masters of this technique. But Dr. Emilia will likely be immune to this. She doesn’t strike me as the sit and talk things out type. Because there are times when words won’t stop people, but action will. Dr. Emilia is a villain Kipo can’t reason with, someone she can’t befriend with a good speech. But even on a philosophical level, Dr. Emilia is fantastic because while she’s clearly a villain, her goal isn’t inherently evil. She sees mutation as a bad thing and wants to restore mute DNA to their normal animal forms. Which is a large part of why humans need to live in burrows. She wants humans to not live in fear, and to restore animals to their genetic origins. At least in theory, it’s a benign enough goal. The problem comes when you consider that animal mutes have sentience. they can speak and express desires. Robbing them of that is akin to purposefully mentally disabling a group in order to be dominant over them, which adds to the great themes here because there’s a loose veil of animals as an enslaved species. Kept in cages or as pets, ruled over or hunted by man who views itself as the superior race, the same sort of thinking that white slave-owners used to rationalize their prejudice. Thus it’s also a loose allegory for Dr. Emilia wanting to return emancipated slaves back to their chains. This is why she’s such a good villain. At face value, her goal sounds sort of reasonable, but when you examine what she’s really doing, it’s incredibly dark and cruel. That level of detail and writing is amazing. Talk about a well-written villain. I’m sorry, I can’t stop gushing.

Kipo demonstrates three equally compelling types of villains, and handles all of them amazingly. Jamack is the hero’s villainous foil, on his own mirrored hero’s journey as hers. His situation is always an exact opposite of hers, as was his life experiences, which led to such a stark difference of ideas. Thus, why it takes her utterly alien character traits to kick start his character arc. Hugo is a beautifully flawed and tragic villain whose goal of bringing the mutes together under a single ruler is genuinely compelling, but you still don’t want him to succeed the wrong way. Yet, if he could achieve his goal in a less hostile and evil way, I doubt fans would be upset with him achieving this goal otherwise. It’s just his approach that’s problematic. Dr. Emilia seems reasonable enough on paper, but once you unpack what she’s really doing, you can read a really deep allegory for slavery and racial superiority into her character that really complicates the otherwise black-and-white opinion of her character. Each of these villains shows ways you can make a compelling antagonist, and if you read this without watching Kipo and the Age of Wonderbeats despite my spoiler warnings, do yourself a favor and watch it. You will not be disappointed.

[whaleofatjme1920]

At the End of Your Rope (Jeff the Killer X F!Reader)

At the End of Your Rope

[Jeff the Killer X F!Reader]

[Warnings: heavy domestic abuse, violence, murder (not heavily described though), language]

[AN: This one's kinda heavy in some places. Take care of yourself first and foremost.]

It was rare that you had moments to yourself and even rarer when you found yourself enjoying those moments. Usually, you were tense, on edge, bitey and waiting to snap or invert back into yourself. That is what it does to you. It takes away, it destroys and it saps you of all your energy, your drive and your will.

No matter, that’s not what you’re supposed to be thinking about. You hum softly as you do the dishes, wondering how long this set of plates will last until he returns. You scrub hard at the bits still stuck to it, wondering how on earth he even managed to get this much filth plastered onto its surface - you made the meal, served it to him, you even took it back to the sink. Was he trying to key you off?

You took in a deep breath and scratched at its surface, only smiling softly when the piece finally dislodged from the blue floral design. You ran it under the sink, lukewarm water feeling alien against your skin as you continued to mindlessly rinse off the suds. As you began to stare off into space and by extension, the void, you found yourself remembering the times he used to bring you blue flowers at the beginning of every date.

A long time ago, when you were starry eyed about the world around you, he loved you deeply and truly. And it was the most strange of couplings, but they do say that opposites attract.

Last class of the day, what a relief. What wasn’t a relief was that it was chemistry. You’d never been particularly good at the subject, but you would often try your hardest and so far, throughout the year, had managed to coast by with a -B. It wasn’t perfect but it was good enough.

For the people around you who knew you better than that, they were more than surprised you hadn’t managed an A in the class just yet. You were the over achiever, the smart girl, the one who knew it all. But not in a cocky way, no, of course not. You were sweet, helpful and kind. That’s what spared you from how cruel teenagers can get - your aura was incredible and people would be absolutely dense to not like you. For the most part, you were quiet and only spoke to a few close friends.

Unfortunately for you, your last period chemistry class didn’t have any of your dear ones near. You sat in the middle of the classroom, attempting to take notes and kept your head down, honestly focused on the material when you heard laughter from the back of the classroom.

“Don't make me come back there,” your teacher said, her eyebrows furrowing slightly. “Do I need to split you up?”

“No, sorry Mrs. Haut,” a dark haired boy piped up.

Mrs. Haut rolled her eyes slightly before going back to writing on the chalkboard. She was talking about the electron configuration of atoms or something like that when the laughter picked back up again. Mrs. Haut sighed again before continuing writing. “One of you move up here by Miss Reader, another by Miss. Rhys, and another by Mr. Clarke.”

The three boys in the back verbally voice their distaste with their teacher’s decision but ultimately went along with it. You buried yourself in your notes even deeper when you realized just who it was sitting next to you. Usually, the person sitting next to you wouldn’t bother you, but the fact that this was by far the most disruptive person in the class had you a little flustered. You couldn’t afford skipping the notes or getting sidetracked especially with midterms coming up.

“You have a pen?” He asked quietly.

That made you pause. “Excuse me?”

“A pen..?” He repeated, albeit a little slowly, as to really get the point across.

You didn’t want to disrupt your teacher any further by the idle chit chat and quietly rummaged in your bag for a pen. Once your fingers grazed the object, you plopped it back onto the desk and got back to writing.

“Thanks,” he said.

Your eyes wandered from your notes over to him - and he smiled at you. Fighting back slight heat, you began scribbling down the notes with a nod as if to say ‘no problem.’

The lesson continued on for a little bit longer until you felt him gently poking your shoulder. You pried your eyes off of the board to give him the attention he so desperately craved. With an eyebrow raised, you asked him what was on his mind.

“What’s your name?” He asked softly.

You felt heat rush to your cheeks - how the hell did he miss your name? You were the only consistent question asker in this class! “... Reader,” you answered, eyes narrowed slightly at the fact he’d miss your name. Though, you do suppose what else could you expect from a class clown? “And what is your name?” You asked simply out of politeness.

His eyes widened in shock, and his face followed in suit. “You seriously don’t know?”

When you shook your head he gave a quiet, but exasperated groan and then flew into a tanger about who he was. The guy who set all those frogs loose last year, the same one who orchestrated turning all the furniture upside down, the guy who did donuts on the football field and the one who covered half the auditorium on elaborate post it notes art.

And unfortunately for you, none of those rang a bell. “I knew someone did it, but I didn’t know you were the one who did it.”

And that spirited yet another tangent from the boy sitting next to you. He went into painstaking detail about how he even got some of those things done, and you pretended to care, more so interested in the passion in his eyes than the actual content of the story. He was a surprisingly good storyteller! You hadn’t even realized the both of you had been chatting more than note taking when everything went dead silent. Much too silent.

“Miss Reader, I am more than disappointed in you,” Mrs. Haut said with another frown pulling on her red lips. “Both of you, detention.”

Your eyes widened in shock as she slapped down two pink slips on your shared table.

“Again?” The boy next to you asked incredulously, taking the note into his fingertips along with his bag in the other hand. “Mrs. H, this is like the second time this month!”

Mrs. Haut only shook her head and gestured towards the door, her shoe tapping impatiently on the ground.

“There’s only thirty more minutes left of class,” you said as you began to pack up your things. “I... “ Upon seeing your teacher’s tired expression,and not being one to directly challenge authority, you relented. “I’m sorry,” you mumbled before taking the slip into your grip and exiting her classroom. You took in a deep breath and trudged out of the classroom, wondering how you would explain to your parents your record had a spot on it when you exited the classroom and closed the door softly behind you.

“Do you know where the room is?” You posed your question to the resident class clown with a crestfallen expression.

“You’re actually planning on going?” He said it like it was a surprise.

“Uh, yeah? Where else would I be going?”

“I don’t know, but we can figure it out.” He smiled widely at you and plucked the pink slip from your hand.

“Wait what-? Give that back!” You cried out as quietly as you could to not disturb the other classes.

“C’mon, Princess, come and get it,” he teased. It didn’t sound like he had malice in his tone though.

You chased him through the hall attempting to get the slip back, narrowly avoiding the watchful gaze of hall monitors and the like when you found he had led you out to the parking lot. You didn’t have a car.

“Let’s go,” he beamed, scrunching up both of your pink slips in his hand before tossing them into the trash. “I wasn’t joking about figuring it out together.”

“I… But-”

“But nothing, Princess. Live a little.” He nodded for you to follow him, and you, feeling much too awkward to challenge someone, found yourself being led by him to his car. It wasn’t a fancy car, but it wasn’t near as run down as you expected it to be. It looked like he kept it relatively decent, and the scent was that of lemon. Whatever, live a little.

You slid into the passenger seat and put on your seatbelt as he became once again.

“Atta girl!” He chuckled as the car roared to life. He then flicked on the radio, turned up some music and the two of you left the school.

You can’t quite say you’ve ever had fun like that before. He took you to a diner, out bowling, you two snuck into a movie theatre then got smoothies before he dropped you off at home. And he was so sweet and kind throughout it all. He made you laugh, listened to you attentively, and over smoothies, he attempted to help you study a bit. It was moot, but it was nice that he even attempted.

That was what started a beautiful friendship that lasted throughout the rest of that academic year. Later, it blossomed into a relationship, and further, it transformed into marriage. The day he asked you to marry him was one of the best days of your entire life - and then, you were convinced you had met your soulmate. He was everything you’d ever wanted in a partner, and he was oh so helpful and attentive.

High school sweethearts was what you were referred to, and you both fit the image so well. You were practically glowing anytime anyone had seen you. Your marriage had happened too fast, but you were convinced he was your one and only unaware that growth comes in many forms. And in this specific case, the roots have burst the pot.

Back then, he used to give you flowers nearly every day in various shades of the rainbow. Blue seemed to be the preferred though.

“You always get these, why?” You had asked one evening, fingertips gently petting the soft petals.

“Apparently, they mean something poetic,” he replied before pressing a kiss to the side of your head. “That’s what the flower guy keeps telling me. And they’re kinda hard to find,” he continued, eyes looking out at the starry night sky the two of you laid under. “So, whenever they come in, I grab them tight and bring them back to my baby.”

You giggled slightly before shutting him off with a kiss.

They were damn near unattainable after the two of you had gotten married. It seemed they’d gone out of style, or perhaps they just weren’t thriving as they used to. One day, when you were lonely and missing your husband, you pulled out an old book on various flora and fauna. You must’ve spent hours upon hours learning about the area you lived in when you chanced upon a dash of blue.

Cornflowers, they were cornflowers.

The flowers on the plate you’d run under the faucet for far too long weren’t the same shade of blue, but they were just as pretty. It’s a shame that these plates would most likely be broken before the month was out.

Gods, when did he change? It was hard to pinpoint it because the two of you had been under each other’s spell for a good chunk of that time. When did he flip the switch? When did he… You shook your head and turned off the faucet, deciding you were done with the dishes for now. Accidentally, when you were placing the plate back in its place, you bumped your forearm on the counter. With a wince, you hissed and mentally reminded yourself to mind the bruises that were still fresh there. He gripped your wrist so hard that night you were sure it was going to snap right off.

He really wasn’t like this in the beginning and your mind raked constantly with reasons as to why when you laid awake at night hoping he wouldn’t go too far or burn a bridge only to find it needed to be rebuilt with supplies that no longer existed.

It was nearing the late evening and he wasn’t supposed to be home until later in the night. You could afford to relax for just a little longer. With a deep breath, you walked up the stairs dead set on drawing a bath to just let your mind go blank. Hidden away in the bathroom sink’s cabinet was a ‘mix’ of herbs and such a dear friend of yours had said would aid in relaxing your soul and maybe your wounds. You could only use the clumsy excuse for so long.

You opened the door to your bathroom, quietly shut it behind you and didn’t bother locking it. If he was here, you might have, but you weren’t expecting him back until much, much later. You could afford to breathe. You drew the faucet and let it run for a moment or two until the water got a little warmer, then you plugged the tub and let it fill. You crouched down and poked your hand around towards the back of the bathroom sink before finding the jar filled with herbs and salts. It smelled divine even when closed. Unscrewing the lid, you are able to take in the scent of lavender, chamomile, rosebuds, sweet lemongrass and vanilla. Pink sea salt for added effect made the bath look heavenly when you poured in a generous scoop. As the water heated the herbs, you notice the rosebuds blooming into large, pink and red flowers. It was nothing short of magickal and filled you with some type of serenity.

Once the water was to your liking, you stripped and got into the tub, sighing in contentment as the water heated your form up. And from there, you let your mind go blank and take in the aroma of the herbs and flowers. You feel the stress leaving your body. You wish you could feel like this forever.

You allow your brain to wander as you relax and find it going back to your husband every single time. If he wasn’t asked to sit next to you, would you have been in this awful situation now? This was no way to live - and you wondered if you had just gone to detention that day if things would be different, or perhaps better. You thought you were able to pinpoint when everything went wrong when yet another starting point would come into your mind. It was like your brain was purposely making you move the goalposts so you wouldn’t be retraumatized by anything all over again.

It started small and in little bouts. He lost his patience with you. If you accidentally burnt the pancakes? It was alright but don’t let it happen again. Over watered the petunias just once? Great, now he needed to go to the store and pick up some new ones should those suffer root rot that was relatively treatable. Couldn’t get dinner ready on time? What a mess. Said something slightly off base? Your intelligence was being actively questioned. It kept snowballing until it reached the first time he hit you. Which was a dark enough day that you rather not think about.

He said he loved you. That he would protect you and make sure you were safe from all harm. But he broke that the moment his hand slapped your face so hard you felt the air leave your lungs. That was a really dark day, but it was not the darkest yet.

You must’ve spent close to an hour in the bath when you heard the front door opening. Shit, he wasn’t supposed to be back. You feel your heart pounding as you leap out of the bath, quickly drying yourself before throwing your clothes back on. In your haste, you forget to unplug the bath. But it’s too late, you hear him coming up the stairs. Seconds later, he’s in your shared bedroom.

“Reader? Where are you?” He sounds exhausted. Upon seeing the bathroom door closed, he stalks up to it. “Reader? Open up, Princess.”

It’s not the first time he’s tried to soften the blow like this.

“I-I’m still in the tub-”

“Sure, sure, sweetie,” he hums. “Can you uh, tell me why you haven’t gotten any food ready if you were going to fuck around in the tub like this then?”

Your heart constricts and your stomach twists. “I didn’t know you were gonna be home this early,” you say softly, ready to brace the door.

“Oh you forgot,” he says as if he’s speculating whether that was a decent answer or not. “You forgot,” he repeats. He stands in front of the bathroom door, swaying slightly like he’s waiting for you to come to you. “Come out of the bathroom.”

“I just drew it-”

“Did I ask for your excuses?”

“No-”

“Then come out of the FUCKING BATHROOM!” He hits the door so hard you thought you heard it splintering.

“What the fuck are you doing?” You cried out as you immediately rammed against the door, struggling to keep your husband back from breaking it down.

He didn’t answer, only continued to rattle off about everything wrong. She kicked the door harder and harder, sending you bouncing against the wood. You continued to cry out in pain but dug your shoulder into the door as you prayed it would be enough to keep him out.

“Stop, stop, STOP IT!” You felt tears pour out from your eyes as your husband pounded the door. “You’re being crazy right now, stop it!” Your throat felt raw with anguish as you continued to screech, head coming dangerously close to bouncing against the door as your husband began kicking it.

Eventually, he succeeded. He backed up, reared his leg up and took three hard hits, successfully kicking the door down. You went flying down with it and tumbled down the tile floor with a yelp of pain, landing sharply on your hip. You looked up through your pain and saw he was standing before you, fists balled and nothing but rage in his eyes.

“I told you to fucking let me in,” he seethes as he narrows in on you. Before he can touch you, his eyes travel to the tub. “And now you’re clogging up my fucking pipes?” He asks in an exasperated tone as he feels his blood pressure rise. “You need to learn a lesson,” he sighs as he runs his fingers through his hair. “When dogs are just puppies and they have an accident,” he begins as he bends down to the ground and nears you as you struggle to crawl away from him. “You take their nose and bury it into their mess.” He finishes. He straddles your waist and sloughs off your weak attempts to get him off of you.

You continue to cry and scream, beg and plead as his hands snake up your arms and to your hair. And your eyes widen as he takes a fistfull and then roughly stands up, dragging your body up with him.

“You fucking dog,” he spits as he drags you upwards. He begins to drag you towards the tub.

“No, NO!” You plead as you dig your heels into the tile, trying to grip onto the sink for dear life as he continues to drag you. You feel your strands of hair damn near get lifted from your scalp as he continues to yank you. He’ll kill you if you don’t put up a fight. “I’m sorry! Gods, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry! Whatever I did to piss you off I promise that it won’t happen again!” You attempt to reason as he finally pries your hands off the sink.

“You should’ve known that to begin with,” he replies as he pulls your hair harder. He then brings you to the tub and roughly shoves you to its lip. You catch yourself and try to get away when he pushes at the back of your head. You still continue to fight him, crying and pleading even harder as your husband kicks in the back of your legs, attempting to cripple you further to get you to bend. You continue to push back, staring into the now cold bath like it’s a watery grave.

A scream rips through your throat as he hits the back of your skull, having you gasping for air and consciousness. He takes that moment as your weakness and finally overpowers you. Your head is thrust below the waters, and you find yourself screeching all the while. From above the water’s surface, you can hear your once beloved husband muttering about you and the faults of your character as he holds you under the water. Before you can even register that air is in your lungs again, you’re plunged back into the water, coughing and hacking all the while as he does so.

When he grows tired of continually plunging your head into the water, he picks up your lower half and tosses you in, sending the water and herbs flying everywhere as your clothed body enters the freezing tub. Your tears mix with the remnants of the bathwater as he holds you under, nothing but rage in his eyes as he does.

When you feel like it’s too much, you begin to let go. Perhaps darkness would be a nicer sight than the sunrise of tomorrow.

You open your eyes slowly to see that you’re still in the tub and laying in a small pool of water that isn’t enough to harm you regardless of how you were laid. You feel aches all over and you feel like water is weighing down your lungs. Slowly, you get to your bearings as you prop yourself up. Step by step and painstaking muscle movement by muscle movement, you stand and grip the edge of the tub, realizing you need to change out of your clothes. You pause momentarily to look at yourself in the mirror.

“Gods,” you whisper to yourself. You look like you were in a car accident. There’s bruises on your throat and your face from where he tried to slam you into the bathtub, and your face is puffy and discolored from crying. Your hair is knotted and you feel like no amount of conditioner on earth can get that out - to even think about detangling it is a nightmare. Your clothes are ripped and waterlogged. Everything about you screams pathetic. When you turn your head and look at the door, you see it’s broken beyond repair. He kicked it out of its latches and the wood itself is splintered in two.

You quietly step out of the bathroom, ready to change into drier clothes when you see your husband sitting at the edge of the bed, waiting for you. You feel yourself begin to shiver, momentarily feeling your mind drift elsewhere to protect your brain from further trauma.

“You’re finally up,” he says, a blank expression on his face. “Are you okay?”

You feel disgust come up in the back of your throat but swallow it back down in favor of not angering him further. “I’m fine,” you lie, not bothering to plaster on a smile.

“Good.” He slowly stands up. “I’m heading out. Don’t do anything stupid while I’m gone.” He holds his arms out to you.

Shivering and absolutely terrified, you find yourself bending to his will. Quietly, you pad across the carpet to him and allow yourself to be wrapped up in his arms. His arms feel like a metal cage as they wrap around your quivering form.

“I’m sorry,” he says emptily as he buries his nose into your hair. “It won’t happen again.” He sways the two of you side to side as he holds you a little tighter, not bothering to mind the bumps and bruises he inflicted on your body.

You internally sigh and hollowly nod, allowing him to hold you.

He said that the last time.

It’s been a few days since your husband flew off the handle like that. Your husband stayed in the house, but like every time before, he pretended nothing had happened and instead vied for avoiding you. In a day or so, he’d be back to pretending he still loved you. But, your mind wasn’t entirely on him coming back to you and acting sweet - it was on everything in between.

See, this isn’t the first time that something of this caliber has happened to you. Convenience was something that seemed to pop up in your life more often than not, and you’d just accepted it. The first time you could remember it was when you were in your garage, trying to have a moment alone after your husband had shoved you into a wall for not making the potatoes the way he wanted (what a stupid thing to be upset over). As you sat at the workbench, sobbing quietly, your attention was pulled towards a thing of antifreeze. It was just propped up there. You don’t remember buying it, nor did you remember your husband buying it either. Neither of you regularly did car maintenance, nor did it seem like the kind used for a pool (which neither of you had). What on earth was it even doing here?

You quietly picked up the bottle and tossed it before your husband came calling for you to redo the potatoes.

The second time you noticed something much too conveniently placed was when the coffee in front of you was decaf. Your husband was terrible at waking up in the mornings, and the only thing that kept him up was his morning coffee on the drive to work. Well, one morning it was decaf in the keurig- and you almost didn’t notice it. The last time that happened, he’d almost swerved off the road. In a panic, you switched it to the right one before he noticed. If neither of you did, it could have claimed his life as the drive from your neck of the woods to the city was kind of dodgy in general.

The third most prominent time was semi-recently. You were cooking and once you finished, carried about your day. When you stopped by the kitchen to grab your keys and head to town for some shopping, you noticed that the gas was left on. Your husband was due to come home soon - if it stayed on for any longer, it might have killed him. Of course, you turned it off, but your hand lingered on the dial just a moment longer, wondering what would have happened if you didn’t turn it off. Feeling monstrous for even letting that thought pop into your head, you pulled back your hand like you had thrown it into the fire.

Those were just some of the most prominent things that happened. There were also little things that occurred as well, such as the TV always being clicked onto certain types of true crime documentaries entailing warring spouses, or the reading material being a tad too detailed in how to get away with things that obviously weren't legal. It started with petty theft, or piracy, and then moved onto other things that were much too unpleasant for you to even detail. All of these things seemed to be calling you towards something more sinister than you had ever imagined.

And until now, you’d managed to hold it all back. Sure, you entertain yourself by watching the documentaries and reading the material (which you wonder deeply who put it in your mailbox to begin with) but you never actually thought to harm him, did you?

It all came to a head a few weeks after the bathtub incident. He pushed you around plenty since then, but it hadn’t crossed the threshold like what happened back then - and that was enough to keep you at bay until this specific dinner. Apparently, your husband had missed out on a promotion given to someone younger and more ambitious than him and that killed him on the inside. He had a chip on his shoulder and he was dead set on taking it out on you.

“Gave it to that little prick,” he mumbles as he stabs at his food.

“I’m sure you’ll get it next time-”

“Next time? That’s half a fucking year away,” your husband replies as he bites down on his food. “Worthless job and can’t even move up in it. Stuck in this hellhole,” he continues to mutter as he stabs around.

Not wanting to even think about flaring him, you just drink uncomfortably at your water. “Is…” You close your mouth, not wanting to even hear his voice.

“No, no, finish your thought,” he says with a deep sigh.

“It’s not important.”

“My wife has something to say, she says it.”

“No, really I-”

“Jesus fucking Christ, Reader, spit it out.”

“Is the food okay?” You ask quietly as you avert your eyes to anywhere but at him. You gulp thickly, worrying that you’ve upset him further and lament even opening your mouth up to begin with.

“It’s awful,” he replies before taking another bite. “You must really be testing me, y’know that?”

“I’m sorry,” you murmur.

“I know.”

Uncomfortable silence passes between the two of you as dinner goes on with that same unease. You practically exude discomfort as you sit there, picking at your food and not wanting to even stomach it as long as this monster sits across from you. You wonder if your husband is going to go on one of his tangents when he answers that useless question by opening his mouth.

He talks a lot about how much he hates work, his coworkers, his lot in life, literally anything he could complain about and everything. He has such a hatred for the world around him that you wonder if it was always hiding just below the surface when you first met him. Probably. People tend to grow into who they were always meant to be as the years go on.

“And you,” he continues, pointing his fork in an accusatory manner at you. “You are the worst part of it,” he says as he narrows his eyes. He does this to you at every meal. And by the end of it, he’s always so riled up he almost breaks the plates. “Remember that girl, Jada? From honors math?”

You quietly nod.

“I should’ve married her. Girl with some brains and a nice ass,” he muses. “Instead I settled for you. Worthless, bruised and battered, puffy faced you,” he says with absolute vitriol, getting more and more riled up as his complaints carry on. “Hell, if it wasn’t for you, I wouldn’t have been thrown in detention again either.”

“That wasn’t my fault-”

“Oh so she speaks, does she?” He stands up.

You brace yourself.

“You know better than that,” he says lowly like a tiger waiting to pounce. “Than to talk back to me in my OWN GODDAMN HOUSE!” The plates and the dinner go flying off the table as he roughly shoves his arms across it.

There go the plates that reminded you of something nicer.

You immediately stand up and gasp, your chair flying back as you do so. Your hands fly up as your husband’s hands grip ar your wrists, his power taking over your frail form as he begins hurling you backwards to the countertop.

“Teach you to talk to me like that again,” he growls as he slams you down onto the counter, wrists not being jostled into his one hand. “You’ll never learn,” he mumbles, strill wrangling you down to the countertop.

From the corner of your eye, you could see him reaching towards the knife rack - and you see your very life fly before your eyes as he palms one.

You begin to repeat no like a mantra as he grips the knife and then lets go of your wrists, hsi hand going to the collar of your shirt. You cry out as your hands balled into fists and start punching, your legs being held by his body as his hand latches onto your throat and squeezes. Tears prick your eyes once again as his eyes flick down to your shirt.

“Stop!” You weakly cry out as his fingers dig into your flesh.

He raises the knife, a mad look on his faze as the steel catches the light. It shines, and then comes plunging down.

You scream as the knife is stabbed much too close to your neck, instead trapping you by snagging your shirt to the counter.

“You stay here and think about all the trouble you’ve caused,” he says in a ‘bubbling with rage’ tone as he shoves your head into the counter. “And clean up this mess.”

Once he leaves and slammed the front door shut, you pry yourself free from the knife and then fall to the floor sobbing, once again feeling your heart broken over your husband treating you so. But, once the rain fell, all that came was a ping - a spark. As you finally composed yourself and began cleaning his mess, the spark ignited to a flame that grew like wildfire in your mind’s eyes as you gingerly picked up the pieces of plates that you held such saccharine fondness over.

You couldn’t stand for this anymore.

With exhaustion sweeping over your body and the kitchen now cleaned, you allow yourself to move on autopilot and move upwards towards your bedroom. You don’t bother changing and plop down onto it. You stare at your ceiling, wondering if you should run away or - oh! Here comes a thought. With your eyes inching towards your nightstand, you finally give into the overwhelming feeling to open the drawer and you do so. Your hand gropes around before you finally touch something cold. Your mind lurches once you realize what it is.

You sit up, more than surprised to see the handle of a gun under your fingertips. On it is a sticky note with a smiley face: ‘don’t forget to turn off the safety :)’. A shiver of horror runs down your spine when you realize there’s a silencer attached to it. Gods, you knew he had a gun but a silencer? Everything about this - you knew it was wrong.

But holding it in your hand… That felt right.

You decided to stay quiet on things for now and think. Afterall, he was stronger than you. You couldn’t just confront him with the gun. He might wrestle it out of you and shoot you instead. You couldn’t take that kind of risk right now. So, you waited, looked over the gun some more, and waited.

Your husband entered back into the house at some gods awful time at night, more than pleased to see the house was back in order as it should be as he closed the door behind him. He was exhausted on all facets (though it could not hold a candle to how you were feeling) as he trudged up the stairs.

You laid in bed, pretending to be asleep. You knew what had to be done.

When your husband came in, huffed and got ready for bed, you itched for the trigger. You knew you had to act soon, but not too fast or he could hurt you again an take you out instead. Your breath hitched when you felt him sit on the bed and get comfortable, of course, turned away from you.

You took in a deep breath, closed your eyes, and held the gun in your hand once you felt him slip into sleep. The moments felt like hours as you quietly sat up and held the gun in your hands. Were you really going to do this?

Your mind flashed with hundreds upon hundreds of possibilities. At one point, a long time ago, you loved him. You loved him deeply and truly.

You took aim.

You shot.

Gods, if you knew it was going to be this hard to drag his body out here, you would’ve chosen a different place to shoot him. Dragging your now dead husband through the woods behind your house was an absolutely miserable process. You were working up a sweat as you did so and it was so dark that you could hardly make heads or tails of anything.

Finally, guided by the moonlight, you came to a place that looked more than decent. It was far enough, and the growth here was so heavy that if you tumbled the earth around, it would hardly look like anyone had disturbed it to begin with.

“Always making things harder on me,” you mumble as you toss his limp body back to the earth before you juggle the shovel you’d dragged along into your hands. You let your mind go blank as you began to cut into the soil.

A plethora of thoughts entered into your head as you shoveled away, making a deep enough hole to throw your deceased husband in. In a way, you didn’t think he deserved a hole this nice, but you knew deep down you had to hide the body. You continued to shovel, and once you finally made it deep enough to your liking, rolled his body into the ground.

“Didn’t think you had it in you,” a low, slightly gravelly voice chuckles, slow clapping.

“Who’s there?” You ask in a slightly panicked tone, holding the shovel up like a weapon. “I… I won’t hesitate-”

“Don’t make me laugh,” the voice continues, a playful bite on every syllable. “No, no, you did good.”

Your eyes frantically look around for the voice when you hear a whistle. There, behind you, is a man. Possibly mid 20s, shoulder length black hair, pale skin that rivals the light of the moon, wearing a hoodie covered in things you’d rather not think of and taller than you by a good head or so.

“You gonna put the shovel down?” He asks with a brow raised.

Hesitantly, you lower the shovel in your grasp just to let him get a little closer. Your eyes widen when you see he’s cut a smile into his face. “Who… Who are you?”

“I’ll tell you if you finish your job here,” he says as he nods to the uncovered, deceased body of your husband. “And before you go through the typical ‘oh my gods, are you gonna turn me in’ bullshit so many of you seem to go through, rest assured that I’m not gonna do anything to you. Just finish your job. Can you do that for me, Bird?” He leans against the tree, looking at you with a small smark.

A mind too frazzled for anything else, you nod and get back to work. It doesn’t take near as long to fill the hole as it did to carve it out, which was a pleasant surprise. When you were done, you wiped the sweat from your brow.

“What are you doing here?” You asked as you held the shovel firmly in your hands.

“Checking in on you,” he replies. “You want to go back to your house and-”

“No,” you cut him off, eyes averting down the ground. “Anywhere but there right now.” You say softly, gesturing to the disturbed earth.

The man pops off the tree and stalks over to the hole you’d covered, lightly shoving some foliage on top of it. “Okay, still sensitive. I get that,” he hums. “Follow me then. Let’s take a walk.” He nods for you to follow, blue eyes silently telling you to bring the shovel along with you.

Not wanting to be near his body anymore despite it being packed below the ground, you relent and follow.

“So, you did good, really good,” the man says as he puts his hands back in his hoodie pockets.

“Why do you keep saying that?” You ask, quickly matching pace with him. “And I never did get your name..?” You trail off slightly, taking in the deep scent of the woods around you. The scent of pine and autumn fills your nose.

“Because you did my job for me, and it’s Jeff,” he replies, his arm momentarily pushing back some low hanging pines. “I’ve been keeping tabs on you for a while, Bird.” He chuckles softly when he sees your confused expression.

“Really? Bird?” You repeat in a dry tone, face deadpanning at the very mention of it. “Job?”

“You’re flighty, like a bird, and judging by how fast you switch topics, bird.” He smiles, continuing to lead you further and further into the woods and away from your now empty house. “Little while back, I was asked to kill your husband. But, I saw you during one of my stalking outings and well, thought I could make things interesting.” He says it like it’s nothing and common knowledge.

“You what?” You ask in a surprised tone. “You stalked us?”

“Well, yeah,” Jeff says. “Normally, I don’t take that much care in my work. I tend to gut first and never ask questions, but you posed something interesting in my wake.”

“Holy fuck,” you murmur as you continue to trot throguh the woods. “We’re both going to jail.”

“Me? Absolutely not. You? Well,” he turns his attention to the deer path laid before the two of you and smiles at the open, moonlit field. “Depends on how you’ll answer my question.”

The two of you step through the remaining brush and finally reach the field. You had no idea this place was even behind your house or even so close. Tall grass rising to your waist sways gently in the wind as you step out of the trees and into the open air. Stars dot the sky as the moon hangs overhead. This place feels nostalgic. Out in the distance is a little stone structure, and upon Jeff taking you closer to it, it’s a little stone shelter.

“Take a seat, gonna be a while,” Jeff says as he rummages around in his pocket. He pulls out a lighter, bends down and lights the pieces of wood conveniently left inside of it, and the night is no longer cold.

You get comfortable and let your exhausted body rest. “Have you been watching me for long?”

“Longer than necessary,” Jeff answers as he cracks his back before finally getting comfortable. “But, I only watched you from a distance. Tell me about yourself first, let me know it wasn’t a mistake to let you breathe.” He smirks at you and winks, sending shivers down your spine.

You take in a deep breath, not really feeling anything but exhaustion and decide to tell him. You tell him everything, about your childhood, about little intricacies and so on. You told him about high school and how you met your husband. Little stories, anecdotes, memories and feelings resurfaced as you detailed how everything was bliss. And then one day, it wasn’t.

“Something in him snapped and went rotten,” you sigh. “And he hurt me. Hurt me really bad.”

Jeff looks up from the fire to see how the light dances across your skin. It’s here that he’s finally able to see the extent of your dead husband’s power over you. Bruises darker than your natural shade line your skin like oddly erased marks on a stubborn piece of paper. Your eyes are hollow, devoid of all life. Hair from your scalp is oddly placed as if it’s still trying to grow back. Your posture conveys nothing but pure exhaustion.

“I’m sorry,” he says in a tone that’s much more gruff than he originally means. It’s not that he doesn’t genuinely feel bad, it’s that he’s awful at actually verbalizing it. In truth, Jeff doesn’t like abusers. They make him feel wrong, make him feel like something’s not fair. Jeff like to fancy himself as someone who goes by the rule of ‘equality.’ If you pick on someone weaker than you with them having no chance of fighting back or at least inflicting the same damage back, you are nothing but a coward who gets off on hurting smaller people. And that in his mind is nothing short of detestable. “Guess good on me for letting you take him out, huh?”

You look at him with an odd mixture of confusion and absolute relief. “I guess,” you say, the sound of serenity slipping into your tone. “And what about you? What originally sent you out here?”

“Tall guy in a suit,” he stated, a small scowl pulling at his lips. “Y’know, he’s interested in you.”

“Tall guy in a suit?”

“Slender Man. I call him ‘Pale Ass’ though. He’s like… A murderous businessman. Has little drones to do his work even though he’s more than capable of doing it himself. And that’s where you come in.” Jeff shifts slightly and fixes his posture. “He’s the guy who originally wanted your husband dead. Sent me to do it.”

“Why did he want him dead?” You inquire. You knew your husband had done some dodgy things, especially with how strangely he was acting within the last few years as his abuse ran up, but you originally assumed he was cheating or something. Maybe into some other shady things. What on earth could he have done to garner the attention of some murderer kingpin?

“Saw something he shouldn’t have. My guess is Toby - maybe Theo. Both of them suck at covering up their tracks,” Jeff laughs slightly. “Probably saw one of us hiding a body, committing a murder, shit, he could’ve stumbled on some finals when he obviously shouldn’t have done that. Regardless, it got Slender’s attention, and now he’s dead because of it,” Jeff continues as he casts his eyes from you to the flickering flames. “You remember that night he fell asleep in his car in the garage?”

You nod.

“Almost took him out right there.” Jeff’s brows furrow slightly. “Something stopped me and then I saw you. The way he reacted to you asking if he wanted a certain type of potato made me giggle, and then I got a thought.”

“The antifreeze…”

“Yeah, the antifreeze. I’d noticed you were being pushed around for a while, honestly planning on taking you out to give you some rest but,” his eyes flash, “seemed more fun to get you into it too.” He sighs and leans back. “Was it cathartic?”

You find yourself uncomfortably shifting and wanting to answer with ‘no, of course not! I killed someone,’ before realizing that wouldn't be truthful. It was cathartic to put an end to his life. It was cathartic to finally bring justice for yourself in a way that no prison system would allow. “It… It was.” You admit, shyly and quietly like confessing to a bad secret.

“Feels nice to admit it, right?” He smiles.

“It does.”

“Now, imagine doing that to other pieces of shit,” he says as he sits up again. “Imagine being able to do that to every monster that’s ever hurt anyone just like you/”

You close your eyes and feel the red hot rage tingle your fingertips. Being able to unload on your dead husband was more than pleasing - in fact, it was nice, and dare you say, fun. The thought of being able to do that to other people who hurt others like that, while a far off possibility now as you were still frail, was still a possibility nonetheless.

“I mean, where else do you have to go?” Jeff continues, watching as you toss the thought around in your head. “You’d never get caught. He’d handle it all right now. You’d be free.” Jeff stands up and begins crossing the distance to meet you. His shadow walks alongside him. Dusk hangs in the air. “Or, if this isn’t to your liking, you can join him.”

“What?” You question, eyes flicking up from Jeff’s shoes to his eyes.

“You gotta understand,” he begins as he crouches in front of you. “If you say no and

decide to deal with the fallout like a normal human being, you’ll be caught and most likely killed for it. You’d be at the end of your rope.”

You feel an ocean of emotions swell up inside of you. “And if I… What would you even have me do if I followed you?”

“I’ll take you to meet him, and we’ll see what happens next. He’ll cover for you. You won’t ever have to see this place ever again.”

The sun begins to peek over the horizon. The fire is dying down. You can hear birds chirping in the early morning sky as fluffy clouds bid good morning to the dimming stars in the sky.

“Let’s get outta here, Bird.” Jeff stands up, holding out his hand.

You take in a deep breath, hand hovering over his. You thought of your husband, your life and everything that had ever happened to lead up to this moment. You’d gone this far, and there was clearly no going back. Another deep breath in and you pressed your hand down to his.

Jeff’s smile bloomed once again.

[an-annyeoing-writer]

vulnerability. – chap. 2.

Story info:

Pair: Byun Baekhyun x Reader

Rating: +18 for mentions of s*x and violence (future chapters)

Genre: angst, smut

Chapter info:

Release date: 4th June 2021

Word count: 2 751

Warnings: mentions of criminal activity

Vulnerability Masterlist || Fanfiction Masterlist || Ko-Fi

Taglist:

@shesdreaminginoverdose @mybiasdashboard @marimsun @byuns-asscheeks @multi--kpop--fanfics @vunv @making-me-blush @skittlez-area512 @bloopbloopkai @byuns-asscheeks @baekyeonoreo @kimcarinaa

Please, always comment on the newest chapter if you wish to be added to/removed from the taglist. I will be also checking the tags, so if you're shy – feel free to leave a note this way.

Previous (Chap. 1.)

Chap. 2.

“What’s my name?”

“Baekhyun.”

“Wrong.”

A stroke of the riding crop over her chest makes the woman whimper. She’s older than him, but it doesn’t matter. Right now, everything about her – her age, name, wants and aversions – they’re all reduced to the leather collar around her neck.

“How are you to address me?”

“Master” she doesn’t hesitate.

The man does, though – he stares her down just for a few seconds, as if to judge her, before he speaks again.

“Good.”

Her gaze follows him as he walks slowly around her, observing her body’s reaction. She’s not to move, not to ask questions. She’s to accept it.

“I’m going to beat you with the crop now. Do you understand?”

“Yes.”

“Bend over.”

* * *

The day was long, but Baekhyun found himself relieving stress in one of his favorite ways.

This time, he sat in The Queen of Spades alone, sipping whiskey and silently watching people around him, eventually ending up staring into the alcohol’s surface instead, until it disappeared entirely and there were only a few pieces of ice at the bottom left to look at. Once they melted, he’d drink them up as well – and it would probably happen, as he wasn’t about to leave anytime soon. There was not much to do.

His eyes landed on the small cut on the inside of his palm, placed next to the glass; the cut was still fresh, but not deep enough to require medical assistance, or even bandaging for that matter. Accidents happened – in some jobs more than in others. The best he could do was to make sure that accidents like this would not follow him back home.

He heard his phone vibrate, but it took him a few seconds to pick it up.

“Hello.”

“Hi there, Hyunie.”

The familiar voice made him sigh deeply with annoyance.

“You don’t sound happy to hear me,” the feminine voice on the other side spoke in slight offense.

“Sorry, it’s not your fault, Luna, I thought I’d be off for the night,” he admitted honestly; the woman’s presence was not something he minded much, but she wasn’t one who ever brought good news, so his mood instantly dropped the moment he heard her voice.

“Well, tonight you can rest, I have something for tomorrow, though.”

Baekhyun exhaled, already rubbing his temples.

“Spill it, I guess.”

“It’s an office. They have a very good security and our hacker couldn’t get in, so we need someone to go there and get some physical copies out, take a few pics and then leave them where they were. No footprints. We need the copies by Monday, and I’ll send someone to give you the details in person tomorrow.”

“Alright. I’ll be waiting.”

“One more thing.”

“What’s that?” He was ready to hang up; thinking became too tiring. But tomorrow; tomorrow, he’d consider this; now was his time off.

“You did leave footprints today, everyone knows. That you got in trouble, and the police were called. What if they recognize you?”

The man snorted in response.

“No way, I know our safety measures. I wouldn’t let them see my face. It was just an accident, okay. A harmless one. I know better and it won’t happen again” he elaborated, feigning confidence – anything just to make this conversation end.

“Are you sure it was harmless?” Luna was the most composed as she spoke, her voice completely ridden of emotions, and that was what started to worry him. As he knew, carelessness and light humor were typical of her, not this seriousness and solemnity.

“What do you mean?”

“The police have a sample of your blood” she finally spilled. “It wasn’t enough to extract your DNA, but it’s already something. Be careful next time, could you?”

His heart dropped. Confidence was gone.

“…Got it.”

“That’s all. Just take care of yourself, Hyunie.”

“Yeah…”

“Sleep well tonight. You have a long day ahead.” She made a quiet smooch sound.

“Goodnight, Luna.”

The line went dead.

For the next few minutes, Baekhyun stared straight ahead, seemingly deep in thought.

In fact, though, he was depleted of thoughts. He was stuck in the bubble of no thinking, no reasons, no emotions, as his brain processed the information it just gathered, but the process was happening outside of his consciousness.

He wished to stay in his thoughtless bubble for longer, but the thin barrier between his consciousness and his internal dialogue finally broke, and he was flooded with everything that he’d been keeping at bay ever since the conversation started.

And so, Byun Baekhyun started contemplating all the things that he preferred to keep away from himself, so as to not spiral into depression and frustration.

He chose a job, thinking, that the breach of law will give him the freedom he desperately wanted.

He ended up dependent on other people to the point where not even the law could protect him anymore; exactly the opposite – the law didn’t seem much of an obstacle anymore, in comparison to all the other things he got tangled in. It wasn’t a lifestyle that one could escape, and he’d learned it way too late.

He tried to achieve independence, but he became a pawn in other people’s hands, irrelevant to the big things happening around; trusted and respected, yet simply disposable at someone else’s command.

There was only one way he knew that could help him regain the sense of control.

And that was how Byun Baekhyun coped.

* * *

“Bend over.”

She obliges without a question, leaning over the table in front of her. Apparently, he’s interested in her behind, rather than the chest that was only a bit pink from the previous hits. She’s an obedient, but slightly frisky one, one that aims to please while also hoping for some pleasure for herself, getting bored easily, but also fussy if something goes not as she wants. Baekhyun breaks her spirit every time they meet, ridding her of any remaining selfishness.

But she enjoys the pain. He makes sure she enjoys nothing else.

The first hit makes her moan, rather than resist. Her skin is smooth, with no scars, and he makes sure it won’t stay this way for much longer, at least for the next few weeks that it will take to heal after he’s done.

The next few swats must feel nice as well, but then her voice falters and turns into quiet whimpers. She doesn’t try to move away, instead, she leans back, at least for the next few hits until it becomes too much and she tries to move away instead.

She doesn’t speak, and neither does he; the sound of the riding crop hitting her bottom mixes with her breath becoming strained and whines becoming louder from pain.

* * *

It was a few days later that Baekhyun sat again in his favorite, cozy area of The Queen of Spades, with a man taller, but younger than himself; it was not so difficult to be taller than Baekhyun, but at the age of 29, most of the people in his circle of closest friends were younger, while most of the ones in his work field were older, which was some sort of a good sign, meaning that he’s worth more than most people of his age.

29 years old – a confusing age. He should have had his life figured out by now, and, to some extent, he had – he knew what he was good at, and what he could do to slowly ensure himself a stable retirement. But to say he was pleased with his career of choice would probably be a misstatement. Yet, that was what he had, and that was what he needed to accept.

They sat on the leather couch that he usually occupied. The taller, bar-styled table and two chairs were on the right side of the couch – he usually used them when carrying on serious conversations. But currently, he was there just to rest, and so in use was the couch. He glanced at the man on his side – leaning his head on Baekhyun’s shoulder, looking fragile despite, in comparison to Baekhyun, being the stronger silhouette.

“Don’t fall asleep, Sehun.”

No answer came, and he didn’t feel a strong need to disturb the other’s rest. Maybe it wouldn’t be too appropriate to sleep in such a place, making an impression of getting drunk over the limits – which was not really the case, alcohol wasn’t the reason for Sehun’s tiredness – however, in fact, who was there to judge them? Especially with Baekhyun being a regular customer who knew everyone else with such a title; and most of them knew what he was up to as well, and why the people he came with usually were not in the most energetic moods.

The music playing in The Queen of Spadeswas usually quiet and climatic, R&B and jazz tunes mixed with the voices of people, and people coming here usually didn’t try stir the bar’s aura.

In fact, it was exactly the opposite.

The moment a person entered the bar, welcomed by the dim space of browns, beiges, woods, and crystals, their soul instantly filled with the calm atmosphere. The aesthetic and climate gave a clear cue, that intruding them wouldn’t be worth much; it was the best to accept and follow, to allow the place to create the unique experience.

“Sehun, are you sleeping?” Baekhyun glanced at the other, and the man only hummed lowly in response. Baekhyun’s shoulder began to cramp, so he gently lifted the other’s head and rested it on the couch’s backrest instead. Sehun instantly moved a little to adjust, but it didn’t seem like he’d want to get up anytime soon. Baekhyun eyed the bruises on his neck – slowly darkening fingerprints of his own.

The bar’s door suddenly opened, catching his attention with noise when the door accidentally hit the wall. Two girls walked in: one of them he saw come here a few times before, alone and not, and the other… well, the other he had not only seen before, but would most likely see in the future as well. What a coincidence.

[F/n] looked nothing like when he last saw her; primarily because, at the museum, she wore modest clothes that suited the situation. Now, in tight fitted pants and a loose shirt exposing a fair amount of cleavage, she looked way more like a girl of her age, similar to many others that came to the bar every day. If not for the fact he knew her, he wouldn’t have paid her much attention now; however, he did know a bit, and if not her appearance, then at least the personality behind it kept his eyes on her until she looked over her shoulder, sparing him a shy glance, as though either knowing he’s looking at her, or, at the very least, expecting him in the same place as he usually was – in fact, he guessed it would be the latter.

She smiled at him softly, and he reciprocated the smile, tension on his face dissipating; the smile grounded him, in a way, reminding him of the fact that, just as he could watch anyone now, he could also be watched. His presence also didn’t make her as tense as it did before, which was relieving – he started worrying if he didn’t go too far during their official first meeting. The word sensitive written on the page of his notebook wasn’t taken out of the blue. She was fragile, he could tell; not in a bad way – but he knew how his demeanor impacted her back then. But that was sort of a proof in itself, a proof of her determination, because despite this impact, she didn’t back out when she had the chance to.

He still felt that she’s not completely aware of what came with the lifestyle – hobby? activity? – that she was getting herself into. Yet, when he thought about it, how could anyone know that for sure, before they had a taste of what’s it like? If anything, he could give her a chance, he thought; a trial, to see if not only she’s in for her own indulgence, but if she can handle what he himself is interested in.

“Wazzup?” Sehun’s voice sounded by his side. The man was undoubtedly good at recognizing his changes in moods. When Baekhyun didn’t feel confident enough to say too much, it was usually Sehun who asked the questions, allowing him to spill out what was on his mind.

“Nothing much. There’s a girl, though, she wants to join” he explained slowly. Sehun’s face didn’t change at the statement.

“You want to take her?”

“Not sure yet.”

“Ah, so.”

“What do you think?” Baekhyun glanced down at the other; Sehun didn’t look at him, his eyes remained closed.

“Well, I don’t know her. But since Byeoli moved out, your circle’s been kind of empty. There’s me, Chaejang, Lisa… well, yeah, that’s it. You haven’t taken anyone new in a while, and old ones are leaving… Aren’t you getting bored?”

“I’m not bored with any of you.” The statement was simple, but meaningful; Sehun smiled softly at that.

“Well, but you seem to have a lot of free time now, and when you have too much free time, you do stupid things.”

Baekhyun scoffed.

“I mean it.” Sehun looked at him directly now. “You’re getting lonely. You need stimuli.”

To the last statement, there was no answer. The men sat there in silence for some more time, until the glasses became empty, until there was nothing more to sit there for, and until the night became so deep that it threatened with becoming the morning soon.

* * *

“Will this be all?”

“Yes, thank you.”

You gave the customer in front of you a bill with the price of his purchase – an average one, just some grocery; not like you paid it much attention – and took the calculated amount of cash from his hand. No change, no problem. You shared a warm smile, as warm as you could muster up at the late hour. It was one of the days when your natural shyness and introversion didn’t get in the way, and you could enjoy the few polite words exchanged with the people passing the store.

“Thank you, goodnight.”

Right as the door closed behind the man, your phone suddenly called and you reached under the counter, where some of your personal things rested during your shift, ready to reach for if necessary.

“Hello?”

“Hello. Am I disturbing you?” Your heart skipped at the familiarity of the voice. However, this time it wasn’t due to anxiety – you started to look forward to his response, and it was like butterflies in your stomach when you received one. You probably should save his number, though.

“Um… Not much” you replied honestly.

“Is your Friday afternoon free?”

“This Friday?” It was Wednesday, you consulted your imaginary calendar.

“Yeah” he replied shortly.

“Um… Sorry, I have the night shift. Saturday?” You counteroffered right away, not wanting him to take your response as a rejection.

“Won’t you be tired?”

“I’ll sleep it off before the afternoon. I’m used to it.” Your free hand fiddled nervously with the strap of your ID badge.

“Hm, okay then. Can we meet at The Queen of Spades? I live nearby too.”

“Where are we going?”

“To my place.” He hesitated for just a second or two. “Are you okay with that?”

The statement made all the cogs in your head move. You hesitated now, too.

Was it what you thought it was? You couldn’t be sure – it could have been just another one of the ordinary meetings, one to get to know each other better, one to pass free time. It was still soon – you didn’t expect it to happen so fast. Even in the span of the time that has passed ever since seeing him for the first time, till reaching this particular point – it still felt so fast, as though after all these years of hopeless yearning you weren’t ready for jumping into the deep end and bringing your dreams to life.

Yet, your instincts were at ease, no red flags, no suspicions. You didn’t feel a need to refuse, or to wait. What would happen if you did – wouldn’t you end up regretting it? Would you be stuck in your safe-zone forever? Although you felt naïve in your trust, you still trusted your instincts foremost.

So the answer came naturally.

“Yes. Yes, I’m in.”

* * *

Please, reblog if you enjoyed, it'll help me a bunch

Author's note: How's everyone doing~? I hope you're enjoying yourselves. Please let me know your thoughts on adding that little criminal thread! And, while waiting for the next update, consider checking out my masterlist~

Next (Chapter 3.)

[whatwillyoudodifferently]

Look, Louts! Lilies! - Yuri For A Hope-Flung Present and Hopeful Future

Look, I’ll be frank. I typically try to keep to a more formal tone when I write for this blog. I’m not in a formal mood. It is June October 2020, and I, like the rest of you, have been under quarantine for a little over three almost seven months now due to the Covid-19 virus. Throw in a eensy, teensy bit of massive political movements and change in response to police violence and racism, and an increase of police violence and racism in response to those movements, and I think it’s fair to say it’s been a tumultuous couple of months. Except, strangely, it also hasn’t been, because so much of this time has been characterized by ennui and isolation. Stressful, yet soul-numbing. In short, it’s been a very weird place to be in.

So, we’ve all found our different ways to cope. My sister’s way has been getting really into succulents(?), and my way has been buying digital manga and video games. I’ve finished stuff I’ve put off for literal years and bought stuff I had heard was good but wasn’t that hyped to get into. And somehow, the one thing I’ve really gotten into has been yuri? 

Now, yuri has a very long and rich history, as well as its own sets of conventions and nuances, so it is with a great, great, GREAT deal of respect that I say that I’m going to simplify it for this essay as “Japanese media with a particular focus on romance between women” for brevity’s sake. If you want to know more, there’s actually quite a lot that’s been written about it in English, but I’m aiming this essay at English-speakers who have had at least a little experience with yuri and more than just passing knowledge.

Because you see, I’ve found that yuri fans have a lot of things to say about yuri! And a lot of those things really bug me!! “Yuri is only fetish quasi-porn written by men,” “yuri is only bland wholesome fluff,” “yuri is only high school drama,” so on, so on. It made me mad, but it also made me realize something: a lot of people simply must not know how big this field of lilies truly is! How else can we get people saying “yuri is oversexualized” and “yuri is sexless” as gospel truth? Something’s not adding up here, guys!

So, all that is to say I’m doing something different for this blog: I’m writing up a recommendation list of yuri. A large chunk of it will be stuff I’ve read and can officially give my seal of approval to, while some of them are just titles I’ve heard of that I think will interest others. All of them have been specifically chosen to counter common untrue things I’ve heard about yuri as a whole. I hope you can find at least a few things on this list that you will enjoy and help you keep your head as the encroaching darkness lurches yet a few inches closer!

1. “Yuri is all schoolgirl stuff! Where’s the sci-fi, the period pieces, the action, the fantasy?”

Otherside Picnic

What It Is: A light novel series written by Iori Miyazawa (illustrated by shirakaba). Ongoing, four volumes at time of writing. The story is being adapted into a manga by Eita Mizuno, and an anime adaptation directed by Takuya Satou will be airing in January 2021.

What It’s About: It was on her third trip to the Otherside that Sorawo Kamikoshi almost died, and it was on that same trip she was saved by an angel. Toriko Nishina is a beautiful and confident young woman who also happens to have intimate knowledge of the Otherside, a dangerous yet captivating world that Sorawo can’t help but being drawn to. Toriko convinces Sorawo to join her on her expeditions to the Otherside, fighting off bizarre creatures that have somehow been ripped out of Japanese urban legends and finding strange artifacts in order to make a little extra cash-- all the while keeping an eye out for someone dear to Toriko’s heart.

What I Think: Otherside Picnic is heavily inspired by the novel Roadside Picnic by Arkady and Boris Strugatsky and features several creatures and scenarios from ghost stories, net lore, and-- there’s no other way to put this-- creepypasta. On paper this sounds deeply unoriginal, so it’s pretty surprising that OP has an incredibly strong identity. The idea of fusing horror with a yuri love story excited me enough the moment I heard about it, so when I finally got to read it for myself, I was delighted to find that the horror elements and the romance elements are both quite strong. 

I will say that thanks to the author’s commitment to following his sources of inspiration to the letter sometimes causes him to undercut his own writing (good example: in one arc there’s an ominous train that keeps being mentioned, causing the reader to dread its arrival with each passing page, but seeing what’s on the train will inevitably fall flat in comparison to the reader’s imagination), but those moments are made up by the more original moments-- the things that are left unseen and unexplained.

The place where the story truly shines is the relationship between the two leads. Sorawo and Toriko are great characters, both incredibly charming and deeply flawed, and they achieve a great chemistry with each other right off the bat. Sorawo is a very interesting protagonist, one who turns out to have a deeply tragic past that has made her into a reclusive, somewhat selfish young woman. What’s great is that Toriko, vivacious and confident, everything Sorawo isn’t, accepts this part of her, in a way. Toriko flat out admits she’s not looking for a particularly virtuous person to accompany her, but an “accomplice.” A big part of the appeal of OP is seeing these two “accomplices” bounce off each other, and eventually come to care about each other, all playing against a background of some genuinely spine-crawling horror. Otherside Picnic is a truly underrated series, and I deeply hope that the anime adaption next year will finally get it all the eyes it deserves (menacing phrasing very much intended).

Where To Get It: The light novels are published by J-Novel Club and can be found via various digital platforms and bookstores. The manga will be published by Square Enix Books starting May 2021. The anime will start airing on January 4th, 2021.

Goodbye My Rose Garden

What It Is: A manga by Dr. Pepperco. Three volumes, complete. It inspired a stage play that ran for a while in Japan, but not much information is available about it in English. 

What It’s About: Hanako has two goals: to meet Victor Franks, the mysterious author who pens the books she adores, and to become a writer herself. Despite having the mettle to travel to England on her own to pursue her dreams, she soons finds that it’s difficult for a young, unwed Japanese woman to dream in 20th century London. However, her luck seems to turn around when she meets Alice Douglas, a noblewoman who offers her a job as her maid-- as well as a surprisingly warm friendship. Alice even offers Hanako a way to meet her idol… but at the price of a horrifying request.

What I Think: In the afterword of Volume 1, Dr. Pepperco openly admits that Goodbye, My Rose Garden was the result of them trying to marry all of their favorite tropes (“Victorian maids! Loads of frills! An English family manor!” are some standout items), and this is apparent in the best way possible. GMRG is a lush period piece that will likely appeal to fans of movies like The Handmaiden and Portrait Of A Lady On Fire, with loving attention paid to details like clothes and settings. 

The relationship between Alice and Hanako is quite charming, with Alice supporting Hanako as much as she can while still taking every available opportunity to tease her, while Hanako constantly surprises Alice each time she shows her moxie and strength. It’s an adorable, sweet dynamic, yet a dark, melancholy weight lurks in the background in the form of Alice’s request-- in short, it’s a relationship that feels tailor made for me. Still, I believe this “darkness” never threatens to overwhelm the story, only enhance it in such a way that the reader will soldier on, hoping for a happy ending for our two leads. With an engaging plot and gorgeous art, this is a great manga for both longtime yuri fans and newcomers looking for an introduction to the world of yuri.

Where To Get It: Seven Seas Entertainment has translated the first two volumes, with the final one coming to English soon all three volumes into English.

Seabed

What It Is: A visual novel by paleontology, a Japanese doujin circle.

What It’s About: Mizuno Sachiko is a designer who is haunted by visions of Takako, her vivacious childhood friend and former lover. Narasaki Hibiki is a psychiatrist who wants to help Sachiko make sense of these hallucinations. Takako is… confused, trying to figure out why she keeps losing her memory and why she and Sachiko drifted apart despite being so close. Seabed is a story that spans the pasts and presents of these three women as they attempt to find and understand the truth.

What I Think: At first glance, Seabed seems simple, but it’s a bit of a hard story to explain. In a way, there isn’t much to explain-- it’s a very slow, down-to-earth story that gets almost tedious at times. I think it would be a hard sell to someone who isn’t used to visual novels, but I could imagine it being challenging even for fans. All I’ll say is this: if you give Seabed a chance, it will draw you into a surreal, gentle, melancholy tale akin to slowly sinking beneath the water of a strange, yet not unfriendly sea. For its simplicity, it’s got quite a few surprises in its long, long runtime, and any attempt to explain further will just ruin an experience that’s meant to wash over the reader over time. The only thing I’ll say is the one thing I think everyone knows: the climax will make you cry.

Where To Get It: Seabed is published in English through Fruitbat Factory and is available on Steam, Itch.io, and Nintendo Switch.

SHWD

What It Is: A manga by Sono. Ongoing.

What It’s About: Sawada is one of the few women working for the Special Hazardous Waste Disposal, and the only one in her office. But that changes when the stunningly-strong yet staggeringly-sweet Koga is hired, and the two become close in no time. Sawada trains Koga and soon the two go on their first mission to dispose of the “hazardous waste” left after a recent war… the dangerous, organic anti-human weapons known as the Dynamis.

What I Think: SHWD opens with several close-ups of Sawada’s arm muscles as she works out. I have found that page alone is sometimes enough to convince someone to read SHWD, and if not, pictures of Sawada and-- especially-- Koga are often enough to do the job. In all seriousness, what I love about SHWD can be summarized by something Sono said in an interview about the manga:

‘The first motivating force was "I want to write a yuri manga featuring strong women." I was very drawn to strong female characters by watching "PERSON of INTEREST" and "Assassin's Creed Odyssey." However, I felt that I should differentiate myself by doing something other than a "strong woman" and "weak woman" dynamic. So, I thought about coupling women with different types of strength. This is why all of the SHWD main characters are "strong women."’

It’s a mindset I love a lot. Koga is remarkably strong in a physical sense, but her mental fortitude is fragile due to her past experiences with the Dynamis, and as such, it’s Sawada who uses her immense mental strength to support her. Indeed, every character in SHWD so far bears intense trauma born of the Dynamis in some way, and it’s hard to see how their pasts still hurt them in the present. But that just makes it satisfying to see these women come together to support one another. SHWD drew me in with a unique and often dark action-oriented story with horror elements, but it’s this idea of “strong women” who make up for each other’s weaknesses that really makes it dear to me. 

Also, it can’t be stated enough that Sono is so so so so so (etc) good at drawing muscular women. 

On a completely unrelated note, there’s a side story about Koga and Sawada playing sports together. This includes judo. I am saying this for no reason.

Where To Get It: The English translation of the manga is released in chapters by Lilyka Manga.

Sexiled: My Sexist Party Leader Kicked Me Out, So I Teamed Up With a Mythical Sorceress!

What It Is: A two volume light novel series by Ameko Kaeruda, illustrated by Kazutomo Miya. Possibly complete.

What It’s About: Tanya Artemiciov is an absurdly talented Mage. So why the hell was she kicked out of her adventuring party? Her leader and former friend sums it up in four words: “You’re a woman, Tanya.” In a fit of rage, Tanya channels her anger into a “venting” session that involves swearing her head of and casting a volley of Explosion spells into the wasteland… and accidentally releases a legendary sorceress! Luckily, Laplace is actually quite nice, and just as powerful as the legends say, so the two decide to team up so Tanya can have her revenge!

What I Think: So, this is a silly one, but after a couple of darker entries I think it’s a good palate cleanser. Sexiled is a loud, not-even-remotely subtle, unabashedly feminist take on the “power fantasy” light novel, especially the “revenge fantasy” subgenre-- and even if that sounds awesome on paper to you (ex. me), it will probably feel over-the-top at times to you (ex. me). But in a way, that’s actually kind of its charm. 

I like that Kaeruda utterly refuses to let up on what she wants to tell you, especially because the story was inspired by a real case in Japan. One may be tempted to think “this story is ridiculous, no one would ever be this cartoonishly sexist!” and then you read a news article about how in a famous Japanese medical university was found rigging the test scores of women, and you realize, “oh, people are still this cartoonishly sexist.” So I’m fine with Kaeruda letting it all out in this story. At the same time, I think Sexiled is best when it’s focused not on Tanya’s revenge but on her kindness, and the way her compassion, her strength, and yes, her anger inspires the women and girls around her. 

Sexiled is a fun and often very funny romp about assholes getting theirs, with some surprisingly deep and nuanced moments hiding in a very unsubtle story.

Where To Get It: The light novels are published by J-Novel Club and can be found via various digital platforms and bookstores.

BONUS: Other titles with sci-fi/fantasy/action elements that may interest you!

The Blank Of Describer: A one-shot manga by kkzt about a pair of two dream-builders. They’ve taken all kinds of commissions in the past, but one job they recieve throws them for a loop: a request for a shinigami that can predict and report death. And then comes the kicker: the customer asks the two of them to give it features that the both of them “adore the most…” (Published in English by Lilyka Manga)

A Lily Blooms In Another World: A light novel by Ameko Kaeruda (illustrated by Shio Sakura), author of Sexiled, about Miyako, a Japanese wage slave reincarnated into another world based on her favorite otome game. However, she’s not interested in her would-be love interest, but in Fuuka Hamilton-- the game’s villainess! After Miyako confesses her love, Fuuka decides to give her a challenge: if Miyako can make her say the words “I’m happy” in fourteen days, she’ll stay by her side! (Published in English through J-Novel Club, available on various platforms)

Superwomen In Love: An ongoing manga by sometime about the sentai villainess Honey Trap and her infatuation with the masked superheroine Rapid Rabbit. After being kicked out of her evil organization, Honey Trap decides to team up with her former nemesis to fight evil-- and hopefully, find romance! (To be published in English by Seven Seas Entertainment, coming in April 2021)

2. “Yuri is all stories about teenagers! Where’s the stuff about adults?”

Take a look at the previous section: there’s the stuff about adults! Otherside Picnic, Goodbye My Rose Garden, Seabed, SHWD, Sexiled, The Blank of Describer, A Lily Blooms In Another World, and Superwomen In Love are all stories with adult-aged protagonists! But if you’re searching for a more down-to-earth romance, I’m happy to report there’s quite a bit of options to look into!

Still Sick

What It Is: A manga by Akashi. Three volumes, complete.

What It’s About: Makoto Shimizu is an office lady with a secret: she’s a yuri fan who draws doujinshi. She’s able to keep her two lives separate, all until the day she comes face-to-face with her co-worker at a convention! To Makoto’s horror, Akane Maekawa is amused by her nerdy secret, but Akane may have some secrets of her own...

What I Think: This one was a roller coaster for me: I loved the premise of the manga, but wasn’t sure about the dynamic between the leads… that is, until near the end of the first volume, where something happened and everything changed. Without giving too much away, I implore people to give Still Sick a chance-- it has a much deeper story than one might initially guess, as well as an interesting character dynamic between the two leads with some surprising turns.

Where To Get It: The first two volumes of Still Sick are published in English by Tokyopop, with the final one coming soon All three volumes have been published in English by Tokyopop.

After Hours

What It Is: A manga by Yuhta Nishio. Three volumes, complete.

What It’s About: After being ditched by her friend at a club, Emi Ashiana is ready to write the whole night off. All that changes when she meets Kei, a DJ who seems to be everything Emi is not-- cool, confident… employed.... But Kei and Emi hit it off and Emi’s life changes as Kei draws her into the world of Japan’s club scene!

What I Think: It’s hard to explain exactly why I like this manga, but I reeeeally like this manga. 

There’s just something about the sleek art, the amazing atmosphere of the scenes set in nightclubs, the chemistry between Emi and Kei, the focus on more mature topics.... it’s a manga that’s remarkably magnetic for how down-to-earth it is. It’s also just interesting to read stories about subcultures that don’t normally get a spotlight in comics. To sum it up, After Hours is just a lovely manga that’s severely underrated that’s perfect for someone who’s looking for a story that’s both fun and mature.

Where To Get It: All three volumes are published in English by Viz Media.

How Do We Relationship?

What It Is: A manga by Tamifull. Ongoing, five volumes at time of writing.

What It’s About: Miwa and Saeko’s first meeting is… interesting. But despite that, and despite their clashing personalities, the two of them become fast friends. Well… actually, perhaps more than friends. You see, pretty soon the two of them learn that the other is into women. With that in mind, Saeko suggests they try dating each other-- might as well, right? “Might as well” seems like a strange place to begin a relationship, but perhaps even something like that could end in true love?

What I Think: “Why do romances always end when they decide to start dating?!” That’s the question Tamifull poses in the afterword of Volume 1. And it’s a great question! What makes How Do We Relationship? an interesting manga is how oddly realistic it is, highlighting things like the compromises people make in relationships, people who get into relationships for pragmatic reasons rather than love, the whole “thing” about sex… as well as highlighting the additional issues queer people have to deal with. That may sound like a heavy story, but it’s actually quite light-hearted, as well as very, very funny at times. With a cute art style and surprisingly deep premise, HDWR is a great manga for older yuri fans who are craving a more mature story.

Where To Get It: The first volume has been published in English by Viz Media, with more on the way.

BONUS: Other titles with adult protagonists that may interest you!

Even Though We’re Adults: A manga by Takako Shimura about two women in their thirties. Ayano and Akari meet each other in a bar and almost immediately feel a sense of chemistry between them. There’s just one problem: Ayano is married to someone else. (To be published in English by Seven Seas Entertainment, coming in January 2021)

Doughnuts Under A Crescent Moon: A manga by Shio Usui. Uno Hinako wants nothing more than to be seen as a normal young woman, but she just can’t seem to make a “normal” romance work. But maybe Sato Asahi, a woman who works at the same company as her, can show her a new kind of normal? (To be published in English by Seven Seas Entertainment, coming in February 2021)

Our Teachers Are Dating: A manga by Pikachi Ohi. Hayama Asuka is a gym teacher, Terano Saki is a biology teacher. One day, they come into work both looking suspiciously happy… because they’ve started dating! (Published in English by Seven Seas Entertainment)

I Married My Best Friend To Shut My Parents Up: A one-volume manga by Kodama Naoko. Morimoto is sick and tired about constantly being badgered about finding a man to marry, so her kouhai from her high school days offers a solution: marry each other to make her parents back off! (Published in English by Seven Seas Entertainment)

Now Loading…!: A one-volume manga by Mikan Uji. Takagi has just snagged her dream job at a games publisher, but being put in charge of a mobile game that’s barely pulling in any attention isn’t exactly what she was hoping for. What’s worse, she’s drawn the attention of her strict higher-up Sakurazuki Kaori… who also happened to design her most favorite game of all time?! (Published in English through Seven Seas Entertainment)

3.  “Yuri is all schoolgirl stuff! Where’s- wait, didn’t we already do this one?”

Yes we did. And you know what? I’m making a stand! There’s a lot of really, really good yuri stories set in high schools, and I think more people need to give them a chance! Here are some high school titles that I think are worth a second look for one reason or another!

Bloom Into You

What It Is: A manga by Nakatani Nio. Eight volumes, complete. A twelve episode anime aired in 2018, covering about the first half of the series. A three volume spinoff light novel series written by Hitoma Iruma was also published.

What It’s About: Yuu Koito has long dreamed of the day she’d find That One, Storybook Romance that would make her feel like she was walking on air, but the day that a boy confesses to her, her feet remain firmly planted on the ground. When she meets Touko Nanami, a girl who seems to have the same strange, distant relationship to romance as she does, Yuu feels like she has found a comrade. But what will happen when the next person to confess to Yuu… is Touko?

What I Think: What can I say about Bloom Into You that hasn’t already been said? There’s a reason it’s basically considered a staple of yuri despite being only five years old. The art is beautiful and delicate, the story has a deft mastery of comedy, drama, and romance, and the characters are deeply loveable. Really, the only reason this one is here is to tell you to get to reading this manga (or watching the anime) if you haven’t already. So get to it!

Where To Get It: The entire series-- as well as the spinoff light novel series Regarding Saeki Sayaka-- has been published in English by Seven Seas Entertainment. The anime is currently streaming on HiDive.

Yuri Is My Job

What It Is: A manga by Miman. Ongoing, seven volumes at time of writing.

What It’s About: Hime wants nothing more than to be adored by everyone and to someday bag a rich husband. Of course, being loved by all takes a lot of work, and she prides herself in keeping her perfect, adorable facade so well-maintained. But of course, the one time she slips up, she ends up injuring the manager of a local cafe! Hime finds herself strong-armed into working for this cafe under their star employee, a kind, graceful girl named Mitsuki. But things aren’t quite so simple-- you see, this cafe has a gimmick in which all the employees are constantly acting out yuri-inspired scenes for the customers, so in a way, the employees also have their own facades. And under her facade, Mitsuki… hates Hime’s guts!

What I Think: Yuri Is My Job is an odd duck, but in a good way. It’s advertised and initially framed as a comedy, but it becomes a surprisingly thoughtful drama about the personas people adopt and why they do so (though, luckily, the comedy never truly goes away). There’s an interesting web of relationships between the girls, and having those interactions take place in a setting where they must act out a completely different sort of drama adds an extra level of drama and intrigue. The cute, polished artwork is just the icing on the cake. YIMJ is a good manga for those who are already familiar with yuri tropes and those who are interested in a drama that doesn’t get too heavy.

Where To Get It: Six volumes have been published in English by Kodansha comics, with the seventh on the way.

Riddle Story of Devil

What It Is: A manga written by Yun Kouga and illustrated by Sunao Minakata. Five volumes, complete. A 12 episode anime aired in 2014.

What It’s About: At Myojo Private School, an elite all-girl’s academy, Class Black has a secret. Twelve of the thirteen girls are actually assassins who have been offered a dark deal-- one wish will be granted to whoever manages to kill Haru Ichinose, the thirteenth student. But there’s still hope for Haru in the form of Tokaku Azuma, one of the assassins who has decided to defect to Haru’s side-- and defend her from the other girls at any cost.

What I Think: I’m not sure… if I can say Riddle Story of Devil is “good.” It’s definitely something. Although its premise is vaguely similar to Revolutionary Girl Utena, its tone and atmosphere remind me a lot more of the Dangan Ronpa series. It’s schlocky and ridiculous and often over-the-top and at times exploitative. It’s pure junk food, basically… and I believe that’s where the charm comes from. It’s my guiltiest of guilty pleasures. It may not exactly be good, but more often than not, it’s fun. It’s hard not to be immediately interested in a yuri battle series, you have to admit. 

And if it does have one undeniably good element, it’s Tokaku and Haru’s relationship. They contrast each other nicely, and while one might expect Haru to be boring and helpless, she’s actually quite proactive at times, and some of the most interesting, engaging parts of the series come from seeing how the two work together to fend off the latest assassin. It’s a short read and if anything, it’s worth it to see how each girl ends up. I recommend it for older viewers who are okay with violence and ludicrous battle scenarios.

Where To Get It: All five volumes are available through Seven Seas Entertainment. The anime can be watched through Funimation.*

*Please don’t watch the anime.**

** At the very least, please don’t watch the anime unless you’ve read the entire manga. Riddle Story Of Devil was one of those unfortunate cases where the anime adaption was produced before the manga reached its conclusion, and as such it has a very strange, rushed ending that includes none of what I enjoyed about the actual ending. Several scenes were also changed, and if I recall correctly, fanservice was added in several places where there was none previously. All in all, I’d really only recommend it for big fans of the series.

Side By Side Dreamers

What It Is: A light novel by Iori Miyazawa, illustrated by Akane Malbeni. One volume, complete.

What It’s About: Saya Hokage has been suffering from insomnia, but one day finds relief in the form of Hitsuji Konparu, a strange girl who can put people to sleep. As it turns out, Hitsuji is a person who has the special ability to move freely in their dreams, known as a “Sleepwalker.” The Sleepwalkers have been battling beings that possess people through their dreams, and it turns out they want Saya to join them in the fight.

What I Think: Side By Side Dreamers is short and… well, dreamy. I really enjoyed the premise and I think it’s a good novel for people who think Otherside Picnic may be a little too much for them. I also enjoyed each dream sequence-- I tend to find that the writing in light novels is a little dry, so the use of figurative language to describe these scenes was really refreshing and interesting. SBSD is a fun oneshot that I think is especially ideal for newcomers to yuri.

Where To Get It: Side-by-Side Dreamers is published by J-Novel Club and can be found via various digital platforms and bookstores.

Cocoon Entwined

What It Is: A manga by Yuriko Hara. Three volumes, ongoing.

What It’s About: Hoshimiya Girls' Academy is a strange, almost otherworldly paradise with a peculiar tradition. For all three years, each girl grows out her hair to absurd, breathtaking lengths, in order for it to eventually be cut and weaved into uniforms for future students. Perhaps it is these strange uniforms that seem to whisper about the past that makes the school seem frozen in another time… picturesque, yet stagnant. But one day, a shocking incident shatters the quiet peace of the academy, and the tumultuous feelings that have long been hidden in the hearts of these girls come rushing into the light.

What I Think: Cocoon Entwined is, in a word, eerie. It’s not marketed as a horror story, and I don’t think it’s intended to be one, but I’ve seen some that say they get horror vibes from it. I definitely understand that-- there’s a deep sense of unease that permeates the entire story in a way that’s a bit hard to articulate. The running thread of uniforms made from human hair definitely doesn’t hurt (it does-- I’ve seen many people understandably turned off by this element), but it’s more than that. It’s the sense that everything at Hoshimiya feels frozen and fragile. It’s the sense that everyone is burying their true feelings under countless layers. It’s the fact that in one scene, Saeki reaches out in a dark room full of uniforms and feels her arm touched by countless hands made of hair. 

Cocoon Entwined is a strange manga, and I feel it’s not for everyone-- besides the way many are put off by the central premise, the way that the story jumps around in time can be a bit confusing to follow. But in my opinion, I love it for these elements: the uniforms and their marriage between beauty and grotesque, the sense of frozen time, the delicate artwork that feels like it might be shattered by the weight of your gaze, the strange, airless atmosphere, the girls and their clear exhaustion of having to be ideal women. It’s a strange little series that I think should be given a shot, particularly if you want something a little more out there, or a darker take on Class S tropes.

Where To Get It: Yen Press has currently published two volumes in English.

BONUS: Other high school titles that may interest you!

A Tropical Fish Yearns For Snow: A manga by Makoto Hagino. Konatsu Amano has just moved to a new town by the sea, and must deal with her new school’s mandatory club policy. Luckily, she meets Koyuki Honami, an older girl who runs the Aquarium Club. Recognizing her loneliness, Konatsu decides to join her club. (Published  in English by Viz Media)

Flowers: A four-part series of visual novels published by Innocent Grey. Flowers focuses on Saint Angraecum Academy, a private high school that prides itself on overseeing the growth of proper young ladies. One notable thing about the academy is the Amitié program, a system that pairs students together in order to foster friendships between the girls. But friendship isn’t the only thing blooming… (Available in English from Steam, J-List, and JAST USA)

Adachi And Shimamura: A series of light novels written by Hitoma Iruma and illustrated by Non that has recently received a manga adaptation and an anime adaption. Adachi and Shimamura are two girls who encounter each other one day while cutting class. Little by little, the two girls become a part of each other’s lives, and feelings begin to form. (The light novels are published in English by Seven Seas Entertainment, the anime is licensed by Funimation)

And there we go! 24 different yuri titles. I didn’t even go into the series that I tried but personally didn’t like that still might interest other people. I primarily made this list to gush about yuri that I liked, but I also tried to include a fairly wide range of things so that, hopefully, any random person who read this whole list could find at least one new title that interests them. And I hope that includes you!

The yuri scene is quite large and wonderful if you know where to look, and it too often gets a bad rap. I hope that this list could give you a new perspective on what kinds of titles are available, and I hope it gives you something new to try. And remember: if you want something specific, try looking for it! There’s a good chance the story you’re craving is already out there, waiting to be discovered!

[afigurelikeadoll]

A Quiet Love

You can find the ao3 version of this fanfic here: https://archiveofourown.org/works/33703750

A/N:  Yeah idk. I was just in an angsty mood today, and listened to a bunch of Marina & the Diamonds songs. Go check out this playlist for Marina songs to listen to while reading this: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLIg5s3ZyD0q2AFig6b7d7AnkkHKxl1zzZ 

If you can guess which Marina song on the playlist I wrote this to fit the theme of, I'll write a fanfic based on the rarry prompts you give me :)

Trigger warning: child abuse, very fucked up self esteem and mindset

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ours is a quiet love, by the dark shade of midnight.

I have nothing else to think of during these moments, except of mirrored luminescence in the lake, sombre dark of midnight, and red hair a colourful contrast to my mourning.

You were an oddity, a refreshment to the long periods of dark in my life.

You, with your broken toys, hand-me-down clothing, large family, and even larger heart.

When your mother caught us by your pond behind the wooden swings, I remember her look of understanding as she silently crept back into the Burrow, leaving us in peace. I don’t think you ever even saw her. I did. I saw everything, every little detail as a child, and I continue to. I see too much.

I sometimes wondered, when I lay awake on silent nights, how my dearest Aunt Petunia would have reacted upon the same sight? She might have killed us both. Not like she hasn’t tried once before, though I suppose that had just been me. Another person, that isn’t your ward, is quite a different story. Perhaps she would have kicked us out? I don’t wish to know.

Uncle Vernon is less intelligent. He would have shot us with his rifle, only the latest model of course, on sight. The damn fags, I can hear him mutter. I almost feel fond when I imagine it. Family is family after all, I suppose. Though I suspect that my family has never even remotely thought of me with fondness in return.

Maybe they miss their slave, and Dudley his punching bag. Better than nothing.

You complain of how you feel overlooked by your family, how your achievements are nothing in the face of accomplished men as your eldest brothers. I would die to feel as you do, dearest Ronald. Your biggest problem in life is the dreaded middle child syndrome. It is remarkable.

You do not feel nearly as cold as I do, and it deeply shows in your actions. You do not hesitate when you show me affection, whether it be a kiss or a beautifully written love letter. Though you would hate to admit it, I know you are a romantic at heart.

I feel terribly jealous when I see this. You don’t even hesitate on things I will always be left questioning. You have never stopped providing your love, your boundless affection, to those that you care for.

I am a quite different person, my love. I know you feel unloved by me, but that couldn’t be further from the truth. I do not show affection as freely as you, that is true. But I hope you can see love in my eyes when we walk together by the lake at dark midnight.

You are an open, honest person. You do not like secrets. To you, our love should be just as open, as free to the world as you are. You dislike a quiet love.

To me, love is as silent as a spring breeze, and as deeply contemplative as dark winter nights. Love does not need exaggeration or overt publicity. Love is just the primal connection between two people, the bond that holds life together, that can be found within the eyes of another person. No need for words or declaration. Seeing is enough.

You are different, and I respect that. You need open declarations of love, exaggerated gestures, and constant validation from your partner. Sometimes, I cannot give you that.

No one has ever loved me. Baggy Harry Potter, with the broken glasses and too-thin frame and horrible hair. I am far from beautiful. What am I, compared to people like Fleur Delacour? No one has ever liked me during my childhood, not even teachers, and I don’t think they would have even without Dudley’s influence.

You were different. You were new, special. You were the only person that had ever been kind to me. The most important person in my life, my everything. I am not foolish enough to believe that I mean just as much to you. It is not your fault. How can someone, surrounded by love and constant affection their whole life, to the point where they take it for granted, feel the ways I feel for you? The only person who cared. It will always be different.

As you have grown up, you have become a magnificent man. Smart, brave, and accomplished. Just as you always desired. You have matured in other ways as well, and quite handsomely I will say. When girls never paid any attention to you before, when you were lanky and freckly and just unremarkable Ron Weasley, they are practically throwing themselves at you now. You have not noticed yet, but someday you will. People do not remain oblivious forever.

I desperately hope, the day that you understand your own self-worth, that you do not throw me away in favour of other, better suitors, such as Lavender Brown. Maybe it’s selfish that I worry so, but I am not ashamed to admit that I am terrified of this happening.

The day might come closer than I anticipate. You have been asking me, every day, to make our love public, for strangers to gawk at us and form their own perverted, invasive conclusions about our relationship. I refuse. I hate attention, but you thrive on it.

Someday, you will get tired. Tired of ugly Harry Potter, with the broken soul and the broken heart. Someday, you will look for greener pastures, for better love that I cannot give you.

I try. I try so hard. It’s not enough, it has never been enough. Why am I never enough? Soon your need for an open love will eventually cloud over any fondness you might have for me, and we will be parted.

I will take the love I can get now. Perhaps it was foolish to believe that things could ever be different from when I was a child. No matter what, I will always be broken Harry Potter, unloved and unwanted by even his own family. No one has ever even remotely liked me. What made you any different? Soon you will realise the same as these people, and leave me as well. I just wish you didn’t pretend to love me first.

When you hold me, I know it is borrowed time that I keep you. The thought of you embracing another lover the way you did me tortures me inside, though I know that it will soon become reality instead of fantasy. That day will be several times more unbearable.

Though I suppose that it is selfish to want to keep you. You have a free heart, free desires, and open love. I can only restrict you, my love. The endless midnight walks will come to an end, the silent musings as we held each other will be no longer, and I fear that I will break that day.

But you deserve better, and what am I in the end? What do my desires matter? I am just the child soldier, meant to fight and die in battle. You deserve more. In the grand scheme of things, I do not matter. I never have, and I never will.

You do matter. You matter more than you think you do, and you will grow to be a wonderful man. And when you live your fantastical life, I will be nothing more than a memory. A dark, gloomy memory. Nothing more, nothing less. I just ask, that maybe, once a year, you spend a second to remember me with a bit of fondness. All I ask. I hope it isn’t much.

It is the day before the final battle, the day that will determine the times to come. I promise you, I will try my best to defeat Voldemort. If only for the sake of your future. I am no fool. I know I will die. But I hope, before I go, that I at least do some good for this world.

I suppose this is goodbye, my love, and I have little else to say. I will only think of our happier times, and hope that is enough.

[plutoswrath]

i’m jealous of your big heart when it comes to animals lmao. i’m arachnophobic and it can be so annoying to have sometimes. i haven’t been able to tie it back to astrology, as much as i would like to. i asked because i was wondering if there was a clear indicator based off certain placements like how 6th house rules animals, 6th is ruled by mercury so i jumbled them even though i probs shouldn’t have lol. and with venus it ties to personal taste so i wondered if it could indicate a liking towards a certain animal. i have sag and sag venus in 6th and embarrassingly enough, i was obsessed with horses. like i came out of the womb adoring them. as soon as i learned to talk i was a walking horse encyclopedia. my obsession died down. i’m not a horse girl, i swear on my life.

i agree with you about the cancer loving animals. animals are babies and momma cancer loves to nurture the babies. i feel like cancers are the most likely to hate the “are you a dog or cat person” question. they’d get offended because how dare someone assume their heart isn’t big enough for both. more than both, really. throw a turtle in there. a rabbit even. cancer asc peeps usually have a shit ton of animals. it’s probably the sag/abundance in the 6th. or they either own a horse or Great Dane. but this is off topic because i forgot i had a follow up question.

if you could tie an animal or a couple animals to each sign that you think best represents that sign? or just seems like one they’d like? some are so easy and others just leave me blank. my arachnophobia thinks scorpio’s deserve better than scorpions but my terror blinds me. but i was looking up the symbolism behind animals and tying them to signs. so far, i’ve concluded that while horses should go with sag, their highly intuitive and empathetic animals. their behavior is like a mirror so if you’re nervous, they are too. so pisces or cancer actually seems to be a better fit. and to stay on topic of cancer with animals, i always tie wolves and dogs in general to cancer. the wolves are tied to the moon and familial dynamics and also i think they’re a great symbolic opposition to leo and how leos tend to resemble cats. sun and moon, dog and cat, night and day, that sort of thing. i realized i’ve rambled but i’m looking forward to your opinion because i’m so lost on what other signs would have. it’s been a year old question in my brain and it’s time for help from the master.

I'm sorry to hear that, I'm had a friend once who was arachnophobic and having phobias like these is really no fun, I can't imagine what it feels like really having them. And omg don't feel bad for liking horses when you were a child, literally so many children, especially young girls, like horses simply because people decided horses where a 'teenage girls only' thing somehow?? (and I will have to dig deeper into this at a point because here where I come from the horse girl thing is soooo painfully real and I want to understand the phenomena). And if I'm not mistake, arachnophobia (like most types of phobias), stem from some kind of trauma right? I absolutely don't try to get to personal but if we look at phobias in that way, maybe it's good to also include looking at planets/asteroids that point to trauma or aspects that can represent/indicate traumatic experiences in that sense! And I agree wholeheartedly to the 'dog or cat' question, I don't get offended by it but I hate this question in general because every animal deserves my love and empathy adfghj and yes, mother feelings definitely play into this haha! I think cancers enjoy (to an extent) having that occasional (or constant) outlet for their nurturing side and the bound you have to animals is also very intuitive and requires a lot of patience and getting educated as well as being observant and reading between the lines somehow and all that dedication paired with emotional knowledge just really speaks to water signs in general (and animals don't judge openly with words, just your energy asdfgh) Uhh, I like the question regarding the animals and I agree with your takes on it so far!! I think one animal can not represent all the core traits of a sign alltogether, but I'll try my best here! and psdfghj no need to call me master because I'm literally so far from anything close to that but thank you so much still, I feel honored really!!

The Signs as Animals:

Disclaimer: some of them are inspired by my ‘the Wild Unknown Animal Spirit’ tarot deck.

Aries: House cat. I know, I always thought cats actually link pretty well to Aries! Cats are just the perfect mixture of intelligen and curious, reserved, stubborn, aggressive, senstive as well as playful/impulsive! They are quick to learn and not afraid to face off against any other, bigger animals, but also can live pretty well together with other pets in the house, as long as they don‘t bother them too much. Especially when it comes to intimacy/pda they are very picky, but forceful when demand it. Seem flexible and unbothered at first but actually have the firmest boundaries when it comes to their personal freedom. Will let you believe they need you but give it a few weeks and the neighbor has better treats than you and gone they are asdfgh, but it's actually a harmful stereotype to believe that cats don't need you because they can become extremely fond of you and grow very attached.

Taurus: Elk. Based on the interpretation of my tarot deck. The elk represents earth energy, it is grounded, is established in itself and knows their core values and acts according to them. They show consistency, coherence and care. Dedicated to who they love and what they care for. Can become narrow minded due to knowing what's best, based on their perception of what's right and necessary, which can effect their ego negatively. Very Taurus for me. Gemini: Dragonfly. I refer to the interpretation of the Dragonfly based on my tarot deck. The dragonfly represents the mind: everchanging, quick, fascinating, a reflection of the world inside us and aroudn us. As the dragonfly is very quick (refering to Mercury's fast and nervous energy) the dragonfly also calles for paying attention to what quality our mind has and to become mindful, because on first glance things always appear different tahn on first glance (Mercury floats between detail-oriented and paying attenetion and being too fast, impatient). The dragonfly is joy and magic, as well as impatience, restlessness and being unable to concentrate. Cancer: Killer Whales (but also whales in general)! I thought especially about Killer Whales, because I once watched a documentary on them and they went in depth about how they have different cultures and different languages even (if I remember correctly) in their familys. Cancer often gets associated with the home life, but I think I wanted to look at it from another perspective, as in how does family 'become' family and how do those family roots develope, what do they consist of, how do we define family and what holds it together (and especially: how do our roots shape our own emotional patterns and nature in life?). I think the mystery of the Killer Whales but the whole complexity that lies behind the fascination of how these animals function and also how deeply affected Killer Whales are by their emotions/when they are absent from their kin, just opens up another big question of family dynamics and how we relate to one another and how principles we always condoned to human beings now apply to animals too. I think the whole part about the Killer Whales relation to emotions and their family's cultures just really made me link them to Cancer. Leo: Otter. I refer o the meaning of teh Otter based on my tarot deck. The Otter resembles the energy of the inner child: it's pure bliss, playfulness, they love to live and live for life itself, and out of this eagerness to enjoy life comes also a contentment and completeness towards life itself. To reconnect with otter energy, it is advised to step into settings of celebration, or total creative self expression and from the outside looking 'unproductive/selfish' indulgence. But actually, this energy is what makes life so enjoyable in the first place.

Virgo: Octopus. Highly intelligent beings that can quickly adapt and take the initiative. Self sufficient by nature, they aren't aggressive unless provoked, they like to mind their business unless they get curious (then they cling heavy onto you because you are their new object of interest). They can change color if it's needed (Virgo is a mutuable sign and can blend in perfectly in social occasions/new situations) and tbh the inking part about octopus just reminds me of the fact that most Virgos have a really quirky side to them you only get to see when you annoy them long enough (aka you are a long term friend). Libra: Gazelle. I refer to the meaning of ten Gazelle based on my tarot deck. The gazelle combines the creation of beauty and harmony, creativity and hyper awareness of it's surroundings, very affected of the imbalances in it's environment, but in it's try to remain this beauty around them, they tend to forget their achievments and stay in the present with their thoughts, as they constantly wheigh out the 'what if's'. A very perceptive animal in the tarot deck and this attribute is equally it's strong suit and downfall. Scorpio: Tiger. I refer here to the meaning of the Tiger based on my tarot deck. Waits in stillness and darkness to reconnect to their own inner power. Healing in isolation with the help of the lunar forces, waiting to regenerate. The Tiger energy shows itself in being passionate, sensual and stepping into ones own power, recognizing ones strength. For me, this is very Scorpio (Moon) for me. When the Tiger in unbalanced, it becomes overstimulated and acts according to this hyperawareness. Sagittarius: Zebra. I refer here to the meaning of the Zebra based on my tarot deck. The Zebra stands for an open mind, visionary and eccentric, new thinking, as well as being young at heart and expansion. I personally connect horses with passion and drive, because they are truly powerhouses. Based on the meaning of my tarit deck, the Zebra also is sociable, at least people find themselves drawn to the energy of the Zebra because it triggers their desire to learn, and I think this is something very beautiful Sagittarius symbolizes when they come into your life: be prepared to broaden your horizon for more. 

Capricorn: Camel. I refer to the meaning of the Camel based on my tarot deck. Camels here represent absolute dependence on self and being able to find the answer to problems in oneself. This self reliance and capability reminds me of capricorns, the camel is finding the 'cool' aka water inside of them and Capricorn is traditionally also symbolized as the sea-goat (which I seriously think should really be considered when anaylzing this archetype) and Capricorns have (imo at least) a rich emotional life, but it's just deeply locked within. The Camel represents showing responsibility for their own actions, regulating the self and circumstances around them as best as they can, which makes sense for Capricorns, ruled by Saturn they usually are confronted with task in their life. If the Camel energy is out of balance, it shows a lack of vitality, with Capricorn representing the senior age in life makes sense, especially since Capricorns can tend to feel very old (exhausted)- Aquarius: Platypus- and no, I’m not using the Platypus because ‚wow all Aquarius are so weird like straight up aliens 🤪🤪’ I think the platypus is a good representation because it makes us question what we’ve known so far about animals and Aquarius too is a sign that introduces us to new ideas and perspectives all in the favor of progress and considering alternatives, leaving the status quo. Pisces:  Raven/Crow. I name these two in particular because as far as I know it’s only the ravens that have been documented intimating people’s voices and tones, but crows are definitely more known for their bright mind. For me people often forget Pisces mutable nature and how quick witted they actually are. These birds are hyper intelligent and their observational skills are truly amazing. In my Wild Uknown Animal Spirit deck, the crow is an animal carrying 3rd eye energy. Here, the view is clear, the crow is moving through different dimensions and sees what other’s cant. For and the emotional depth (void) Pisces is conencted to it just seem to make sense. 

[aislingyngaio-games]

The Tifareth Balance

I think this goes all the way back to the gnostic tree, and how everything has to be brought into balance to achieve Final Heaven.

Introduction: Where the Characters Begin in FF7

At the beginning of the story, Aerith was treated all her life as special by certain individuals - Turks, Shinra/Hojo, Elmyra, Zack. This gave her a very young Queen Victoria levels of self-importance and obstinence, very self-centered world view if you will, and that's why in OG she's always asking Cloud what he thinks about her etc (which actually implies she's rather confused that she isn't already the center of his world somehow) during dialogue options. This is also I believe partially why she seems to sense Ifalna, Elmyra’s husband, and Zack enter the Lifestream, yet seems inured when two reactors, a plate, and the related mass loss of life occurred. Surely she should have been overwhelmed by the sheer number of souls passing back into the Lifestream, yet she seems perfectly deaf to this mass upheaveal and more concerned about her own earthly affairs as she meets Cloud? Sounds oddly cold for a steward of the planet who could hear its cries, however faintly. There’s no Obiwan-Alderaan moment for her at all. Her starting point is that she misses the forest for the trees.

Meanwhile, we have Tifa, who though in her youth was the center of a circle of friends, we learn during the Lifestream that none of them actually understood her, esp obvious during her grief over her mother's death. For an introvert, this is actually a deeply socially draining experience, and since then, given how one by one her social circle deserted her and the village for job opportunities, she is left to believe she's simply a cog in the Grand Scheme. She's always had to suppress her own self and think of others before her. It doesn't matter that she probably wants to leave the village that's been emptied of her peers - she's the chief's daughter so she must stay. It doesn't matter that she disagreed over the reactor bombings, for the Greater Good Avalanche must do something to save the Planet, so she had to acquiesant against her own wishes. It was she who worried and grieved most for the two reactor bombings and the plate fall and its associated loss of life, even though she still had Cloud with her, and realistically couldn’t actually hear the cries of the Planet. Her starting point is that she misses the trees for the forest.

In other words, at the beginning of the story, Aerith is too selfish and Tifa is too selfless. And as author Rick Riordan once wrote, "The most dangerous flaws are those which are good in moderation. Evil is easy to fight. Lack of wisdom… that is very hard indeed." (Athena, The Titan's Curse)

Aerith’s Character Arc in FF7

Over the course of the story, we see Aerith, even while leveraging her position and her blood against Shinra's encroachment, was equally afraid of her own powers. She ignored and hid herself away from the problems of Gaia, hiding under the protection of Elmyra for as long as she could. She disregards opinions and feelings of others like when she totally misjudged how to handle Barret's raw emotions over Corel at the Gold Saucer. She was not at all oblivious to Tifa's feelings yet still attempted to monopolize Cloud's attentions in front of her. This behaviour can be traced back to her need to stand firm against the Turks’/Shinra’s persuasions, though when used on regular people like the team, it is very offputting, abrasive, thoughtless and likely was what actually alienated her peers from her growing up. Ultimately, she made the fatal mistake of believing she knows what's best for the group in merrily skipping off alone into the Forbidden City (I mean, sure, we all know Cloud was unstable from the Jenova manipulation but there were 7 other sane party members who could have been consulted and split up before she skipped off unprotected?), and ultimately her fatal flaw of arrogance and selfishness caused her death. Not because she meant to die, knowing it will protect the planet, because she'd always intended to return to the team ("She talked about the future more than the rest of us"), but she died anyway because her arrogance and selfishness were her fatal flaw.

I think it is only in death, though unaddressed explicitly by the game story itself (which of course remains on the living party members, and therefore is the story of life, and how life still moves on after death), that she truly grasped the littleness of who she is. That ultimately, back in the Lifestream with all the other Cetras, she was finally able to understand that in the end, she was just another Cetra in the great battle against Jenova. Sure, she was the Cetra who summoned Holy, but it was actually doing more harm than good by itself. It was only with the collective power and force of the Lifestream, of all who were born of the Planet and all who returned to the Planet, that Meteor was able to aid Aerith (Holy) in pushing back Meteor. In accepting her ordinariness among the Cetra is when Aerith truly becomes the mother of Gaia, even if nobody other than the FF7 team will ever remember her name. Her legacy lives on in Gaia, along with the legacy every other Cetra died to preserve.

Aerith's character arc is to temper her selfishnes with selflessness, to care for the welfare of all instead of the welfare of a few individuals, and to recognise that she is but a small part in the greater plan, that it is ok to not be special. Her special blood didn't stop her from dying, nor was she alone the only saviour of the Planet. In the end, I believe that Aerith's journey in FF7 is her journey to understand that no matter how special she seems to be, in the end, the Planet will still live on without her too, with Nanaki as the probable successor to her decimated race's role as the new steward of the Planet.

Tifa’s Character Arc in FF7

As for Tifa, her character arc is the complete opposite: to temper her selflessness with selfishness. How odd a concept for a protagonist! Except it goes right back to the balance necessary to achieve Final Heaven ("The most dangerous flaws are those which are good in moderation"). Tifa is shy, she is reserved, she always puts the needs and wants of others above her own, even if she disagrees. She didn't challenge Barret when she disagrees with his methods. She didn't challenge Aerith even when her own feelings were hurt, yet still she was kind in the face of such unkindness (intentional or not). She suppressed her own feelings for Cloud and tries only to behave like a friend to him even though she feels more. And most damning in her character arc, she didn't challenge Cloud over the knowledge that "I waited... but Cloud never came." It was the only piece of the Nibelheim incident she could recall clearly, but because she was too insecure in her own memories (though the rest of the Incident could be chalked up to the trauma caused by her almost dying by Masamune, Cloud's alleged absence at Nibelheim wasn't, because she had pinned her hopes on his arrival and her disappointment was palpable) she allowed what she knew to be false to stand in between them for the sake of Cloud's mental stability.

I have posited in another post that Tifa is not only the heroine of FF7 but the co-protagonist as well, or at the very least the deuteragonist. It is very telling that 10 minutes after Aerith's death, the team went snowboarding, whereas when Cloud and Tifa were both broken emotionally by Sephiroth and had their joint Heroic BSoD moment, the game experienced a timeskip. How odd that the permanent physical death of a valued party member didn't stop the game dead but the death of Cloud and Tifa's trusts in their own memories did? Yet it is important to mention as too many times already Tifa has simply been dismissed as unimportant, as simply the crutch, the guide to Cloud's story and nothing more. This could not be further from the truth. Tifa's story does not simply inform Cloud's. Tifa's story is ENTWINED with Cloud's. Even as their stories run parallel to each other's, crossing the same events, their arcs are both independent AND interdependent on each other's. Tifa is not simply a plot device or the narrator or whatever one calls Tifa in an attempt to dismiss her role in the bigger FF7 story. (And I mention this because even some Tifa fans forget this in their desire to whitewash Tifa's culpability in the Northern Crater affair, which is actually a key turning point in Tifa's hero's journey)

Someday perhaps I will write a full breakdown of Tifa’s hero’s journey (because it’s honestly frustrating to see claims – even from Tifa fans – of Tifa needing a character arc of her own when it’s always been in FF7 all along if only players will take off their protagonist/Cloud-tinted glasses) in greater detail, but for the sake of the discussion of her arc in the context of the gnostic tree and the role of balance within oneself, I will simply say this: that it is only in the death of her trust in herself, and in seeing the emotional death of the one she holds most dear (Cloud’s mental stability shattering at the Northern Crater), that she learns she cannot simply stand passively by even in the face of what she knows to be wrong, just to protect someone else’s feelings and wants. She learns that even inaction has consequences. That she has to be brave enough, assertive enough, just selfish enough to place her own needs and desires, her own thoughts and beliefs, on an equal importance to the rest of the party, even the Planet’s. That just because the world is ending, it doesn’t make her personal struggles any less important than the world’s problems, it doesn’t mean the problem can be ignored or that it will simply go away, or even that it’s unimportant in the grand scheme of things.

She erred, she fell, she “died”. And she learned, she grasped the second chance with both hands, and at Mideel, she stood firm and said, “This is where I want to be. Being with Cloud. Caring for him.” It wasn’t revenge she pursued any longer, or high-minded abstract ideals like saving the Planet. She still would help save the Planet if she could, but for once in her life, she put her foot down and make clear her own priorities – to be by the side of the one she love above all else. And she could make this decision without jeopardizing the Planet because of her ordinariness. She wasn’t imbued with special powers or special bloodlines or special keepsakes and her absence will most likely not affect the Planet’s safety or lack thereof. Even in her absence, we are sent on story missions that still ended in failure – heck, even after Cloud and Tifa rejoined, the Huge Materia space mission still failed anyway, because the point is... just because one wants to save the Planet doesn’t mean one can (after all, summoning Holy didn’t work either, at least not at first).

This is also paralleled with Tifa’s caring of Cloud: there was literally no guarantee that Cloud will ever recover from his Mako poisoning – he could be a vegetable forever, and yet this is still Tifa’s choice. This isn’t just about Cloud, but about Tifa asserting her desire to be with Cloud even in the face of both world destruction and his permanent vegetative state. This is who Tifa wants to be, who Tifa chooses to be. This isn’t something being pushed onto her as part of some “greater good” that she should ignore her own wants and needs for. (And to all those who deride Tifa as being weak for making her choices all for one man, remember that feminism isn’t about a “strong independent woman who need no man”, it’s about having the right to choose who we wish to be without being forced by any societal expectations of us. “Life doesn't make any sense without interdependence. We need each other, and the sooner we learn that, the better for us all." — Erik Erikson. If anything, Tifa choosing to stay by Cloud’s side is the very definition of feminism – it’s not about what we do, rather, that we have a right to choose without being shamed for what we choose to do)

Yet in the Lifestream is when she truly finds herself together with Cloud. She learns that, though she believed she is too ordinary to be special to anyone (remember, though she was the center of her group of friends in her youth, none of them really looked back when the time came for them, or at least she thought none did more than mere talk anyway), she was actually the reason for Cloud’s entire journey, that he reciprocated special feelings for her, that he always intended to return for her. She learned that, just as Cloud’s impetus was her reason for taking up martial arts (one of the few acts of “rebellion”/assertiveness in her youth where she was probably pressured to stay in the village either due to her father’s position or her gender), she was the reason for Cloud’s desire to be a hero too. Tifa was special in her ordinariness. She meant enough to someone who meant enough to her.

Tifa’s arc is to recognise that though she won’t ever be important to the Planet as an individual, she was important enough to the one that mattered most. It is not wrong or “selfish” to find individual love and prioritise it equal to the needs of the Planet. And in the end, it was this revelation and resolution of both her and Cloud’s mutual feelings for each other that gave Cloud the strength he’d previously only accessed from despair five years ago, the strength to defeat Sephiroth. And it was only with Sephiroth’s defeat that Holy was unleashed, and only when the Lifestream joined its chorus that the Planet was ultimately saved. In the end, it was the importance Tifa “selfishly” placed on her own wants and needs that saved Cloud, and by saving him, the Planet as well. If she’d been told that Cloud’s predicament, a single individual, was nothing in the face of the end of the world, if she hadn’t been just that little bit selfish in the face of her extreme selflessness, it might have simply brought them nothing but destruction.

Conclusion

In this sense, I believe that Aerith and Tifa were indeed developed to be two halves of the same whole. They started off as two extremes in terms of personality – Aerith was self-centered, assertive and intransigent, while Tifa was selfless, passive and insecure. Yet these are only negative traits when taken to extreme, and by meeting each other, by learning from each other, tempering and moderating each other’s behaviour, by Aerith learning to be more considerate, more humble and more persuadable (because my god, was Aerith utterly brattish and unbearable in Remake before she met Tifa), by Tifa learning to be more assertive, more confident, to take pride in herself, the two halves of a whole bring each other to balance and become better versions of themselves for it.

"The most dangerous flaws are those which are good in moderation. Evil is easy to fight. Lack of wisdom… that is very hard indeed."

P.S. tagging @enigmaphenomenon as it was your twitter thread that inspired this post. A lot of the thoughts in this impulsive post probably definitely needs a hell lot more refining by more critical minds but I hope this is a good starting point for discussion.

[land-of-classpects-and-analysis]

The Maid Class Analysis

Maids are those who are often thought to only be a servant to those around them, answering to every beck and call that someone higher in authority than them gives. Rarely ever catching a break or being shown much respect, instead tending to play the role of a silent caretaker - a person meant to be seen rather than heard. When whatever job they have been assigned for the time being has been completed, they are often shunted aside, locked away in waiting until the next chore must be done by someone with such a delicate, skittish touch. Oftentimes Maids are those looked down upon - they are the underdogs who no one ever sings about, no one ever makes murals in their memory, rarely given the kindness and respect they so deeply deserve. 

Yet, it is also the Maid who is meant to be the one to keep order in one fashion or another. They are the ones who clean, after all - whether that cleaning is merely tidying up any dust or grime collected over the years, or the mess leftover by those surrounding the Maid. To be rather blunt, the Maid is one who is underappreciated, as well as underestimated in how large of a part they play in the groups they are a part of. Chances are that a Maid is the reason for countless important, largely defining moments for one or even several people they have come across. Maids leave impacts wherever they go, whether they realize this or not. Much like the scrubbing of a cloth against a wall, the bristles of a broom on a dirty floor, or the gentle feathers on a dusty desk - a Maid will always leave a mark wherever they depart from; good and bad alike.

Although some of what has been described may describe that of a typical, non-Classpect related Maid, those who are bound to this creation Class are ones who go through these similar struggles. The life of a Maid is rarely ever an easy one, as they often will face countless challenges along the way of - to be quite honest - their entire existence. One of the biggest defining struggles of a Maid is their Aspect itself. More specifically, the fact that their Aspect is something that has nearly consumed every last piece of the Maid’s world - themself included. While at first it may seem like a play-on-words for a Maid’s Classpect title to be “Maid of Aspect”, there is an unfortunate truth to such a label; one in which the Maid never truly agreed to in the first place. 

The Maid is one who has a seemingly endless supply of their Aspect to the point where it feels almost inescapable to the Maid themself if they ever wished to get away from it. Down to the Maid’s very own decision making - their Aspect is a weight placed on their back and shoulders from the exact moment they were born, and it is one that has rarely ever seemed to become lighter, no matter what they do. As much of their Aspect they have, it is rarely ever something that truly benefits the Maid. In fact, for some Maids, their Aspect is something that is extremely debilitating - an oppressive force that has its claws dug in deeply into the Maid’s heart and soul. Even an Aspect as seemingly beneficial as Space, Life, Breath, Blood, Light, etc. would have their own downsides to someone as unfortunate as the Maid.

They are someone who could be argued to be at constant war with their Aspect, one side always trying to dominate over the other since, if the Maid is not entirely careful, their Aspect could eventually overthrow them entirely - leaving only a lifeless husk of the Aspect to wander around and serve whoever calls their name. However, that is only one of the struggles that the Maid faces, yet there is no doubt that it is still one of the biggest and most difficult obstacles in their way. Unlike the Prince or Bard who seek to destroy their Aspect yet must instead learn how to destroy through it, or the Knight who must learn how to wield their Aspect like a shield or blade, the Maid is one must learn how to put the excessive amount of their Aspect to good use. Although it appears to be a force that only wishes to oppress and perhaps even damage the Maid, it is still up to them to figure out what exactly they wish to do with it. Unfortunately, they won’t ever be able to truly rid themselves of their Aspect, there is no doubting that. That doesn’t entirely mean they have to simply learn to live alongside such a lingering, almost oppressive force, though. There may be some Maids who do find a purpose for their Aspect, one way or another. 

Of course, there are the variety who don’t wish to even associate with it and may even be afraid to become accidentally, completely submissive to it. In these cases, they will most likely go with the option of ignoring or even running away from any and everything that has to do with their Aspect. Whether it is avoiding discussing it, places or locations that are filled with it, people who are linked to it, etc, there will always be the Maids who will merely try to rebel against it as much as they can. In a way, it could be seen as them running away from the duties and responsibilities tied into their Class. Maids are often a crucial part for any group that has been given the privilege of having one amongst them, after all.

Before heading into the powers of a Maid, and just how they can put the excessive amounts of their Aspect to good use, let’s take a moment to reflect on the social life of a Maid, as well as the overall personality this busy and bustling Class are known to have. Starting off, Maids are those who are quite dedicated to doing what is best - at least in when it falls under the light of what they deem to be the most important. If there is one thing Maids dislike, it is having their time and energy wasted on a job, person, or thing, especially if it all turns out to be pointless in the end. This is often because Maids can become extremely dedicated to anything, as well as anyone, that they put their mind to. Maids tend to enjoy working towards some type of goal, fulfilling a promise, making a dream into reality - these are often the things they will deem as far more important than anything else in their life. However, these things that a Maid views as being the most important and deserving of their care and attention will always take the top of their to-do list, pushing aside anything and anyone else closer towards the bottom. 

When a Maid has chosen to commit themself to a belief, individual, cause, group, task, or what have you, then they will do whatever they can to make sure the end product will always be one of perfection. Details are often a large priority for a Maid, especially when it comes to their own private or personal plans, projects, or otherwise creative endeavors. If there is one thing out of place or not exactly perfect, chances are it will be something that will fester and gnaw away at the Maid’s mind and emotional state until one of two things happen. They will either get to fully delve into their project, perfecting every last nook and cranny of it, or they will become fully enraged that their plan or project has not become the best it could be, and may even go as far as to tear apart or throw out whatever it was that they spent so long working on. Oftentimes, when a Maid puts in so much effort, energy, and time into a project, they inevitably begin to associate their very own worth with that project, seeing it as their sole purpose in life. As such, when their project is incapable of reaching such a state of perfection, what does that say about them? That they are not perfect, but rather flawed, and will never, ever be able nor allowed to reach such a state of perfection? 

As eager as Maids can be in regards to dedicating themselves to something, they are often just as quick to begin neglecting themselves if they deem their own health to be not as important as other chores, tasks, or even people. On the other hand, a Maid may be one to seek out ways to live their personal best life; one of luxury, peace, success, and so much more. In order to do so, however, they will often begin neglecting everything and everyone else around them - including their own Aspect. If they believe that their Aspect is truly holding them back, then they will often invite others to come and take their own bits and pieces of it, if only so that it will allow some temporary peace for the Maid. Little does the Maid know that this is one of the biggest, most self-destructive mistakes to make. That is something to be discussed later. As the Maid builds themself up to be a person of grand appearances, wealth, health, and more, they will only truly be able to achieve this by stepping on the toes, backs, and shoulders of other people and places around them. To simply put it, the Maid is one who could either become the most selfless person in the world, or the most selfish. 

No matter how a Maid may present themself towards the world or even the people they meet, it is best to keep in mind that, in life, there is always a weak point to even the grandest, most breath-taking structures. For the Maid, it should come as no surprise that it is their willingness to help anyone they deem worthy or in need of such care. Although some could merely say it is the friendships and relationships in the Maid’s life that is their weak point, that is a point which assumes every Maid has any relationships - real or otherwise - to speak of. In reality, Maids are those who will often have large, open hearts that tend to steer towards being caring souls. Every Maid has their own soft spot for at least one individual, whether they care to admit it or not. While there is nothing inherently wrong with wanting to help those who are in need of support, mending, or even love, there is a flaw in being a person so quick and eager to be the one who helps anyone who cries loud enough. Give a wild animal some food, and chances are it will come back. Give a person an inch, and they will eventually ask for another, then another, until they have claimed an entire mile. Allow someone into a section of your heart, showing them unconditional love and support, and chances are that someone will inevitably come around and ask for more than what they are already getting. To simply put, the Maid is one who is often a victim of being used by others - their kind, trusting, loving nature being seen as just another slab of rotting meat for vultures to swoop in and peck away at.

Maids will rarely often do anything about this, as their sympathy - or perhaps even empathy - is that which runs extremely deep; coursing through every vein in their body. The longer the Maid allows for such selfish souls to strip away all that they have and all that they are, hoever, and eventually the Maid will be left with nothing to give but the biggest part of their entire person: their Aspect. Yes, even the Aspect of the Maid can fall victim to being mistreated and even abused by those in the Maid’s life. If these vultures see a chance to have it, then they will stop at nothing to sink their talons into its metaphysical flesh, during which the Maid, too, shall suffer greatly. 

Even though the Maid may hold grievances towards their Aspect for all the trouble it has brought them, this force is still a fact of their personality that they simply cannot ignore forever nor allow it to be destroyed, stolen away from them, or manipulated into something it is not meant to be. Although Maids are capable of standing up for and taking care of themselves it’s their lack of confidence - or rather the fear of stepping out of line - that is often what holds them back. Rather, it is their submissive, conflict-avoidant nature that so often lands them in situations of mistreatment. When a Maid has had enough of such a thing, however, there is no doubt that the Maid will make quite the show of declaration that not only have they had enough, but that their services are now closed off to anyone; allies and enemies alike.

Within every songbird is a phoenix, waiting for the fires to come and unleash their true, untameable spirits. Within every Maid is a person waiting for the day where someone will repay their kindness and free them of their shackles. The company in which the Maid finds themself within is often wide and extremely diverse, if only because the Maid is someone who attracts people of all walks of life. Yet as many people as the Maid is happy to know, so comes the stress of having to figure out who is truly a friend and who is merely a wolf hiding amidst the shrouded masses of the Maid’s social group. After all, they are someone who is often prone to falling prey to the gnashing teeth and razor claws of monstrous people, and so it might be likely for them to develop a sense of anxiety or underlying trust issues towards the people around them. On the other hand, they may also be just as quick to dismiss all previous negative, toxic relationships as flukes, mistakes, small errors in their own judgement that will never, ever happen again. The Maid is meant to be perfect, are they not? No perfect being would ever allow such a silly thing to happen over, and over, and over, and over again. If there is anything the Maid is, it would be perfect with no flaws to speak of whatsoever. 

People who are aware of the Maid often are those who are either extremely eager to try and befriend, spoil, and care for the Maid, but there may be just as many who are off-putted and unnerved by the Maid, sometimes finding them, their mannerisms, or their ideologies and philosophies on anything to be perturbing or even downright upsetting. Just as well, there are others who are looking to only use them and their trusting, kind-hearted ways for selfish, twisted reasons that rest within such tainted hearts. Despite all of this, though, the Maid will typically, and simply, sit in the center of it all; appreciating and loving every last person to ever show them kindness and care. If there is one thing for certain amongst most, if not all, Maids, it is that they are more often than not complete and utter hopeless romantics in some fashion or another. Whether this means the poetic, literary type of romance; of love for the innocent, tender, far more natural ways of life, or maybe it is the emotional sense of romance that comes with some variation of attraction. Maids wish to dedicate themselves to something, but they will almost always be wanting to dedicate themselves to someone more than anything else.

When it comes to a group setting, Maids are often those who play a far more neutral role in everything that transpires amongst everyone else. Rarely, if ever, are they the ones to ever start something of great importance. If anything, they are the ones meant to see that everything plays out as it is meant to; maintaining order, coherence and appearance in the greater narrative of it all. If life is a play, then the Maid is often the set designer - the one who pushes every set piece, plot device, etc. into place. Whether this is done by their own want to do so, or if their hand is being forced by someone or something else, this is often something that depends on the Maid and whichever predicament they find themself within. No matter what, though, even when it seems that the Maid is the root cause of one plot point, positive, negative, or otherwise, it is quite likely that they were forced into such a position of center-stage-performance. A director, unseen, pulling the curtains back far too early or turning on a stagelight at the wrong moment. Do not take this as Maids being deemed as unimportant or even disposable, however. On the contrary, Maids are one of the most crucial parts for anything, as well as anyone, to function in a world full of plot holes and loose threads. It is merely that due to their title of Maid, others tend to downplay the dire importance in someone such as them. 

The biggest reason for the Maid’s importance is that of their powers - their abilities to affect and leave grand ripples in wherever they go and whoever they meet. There has often been some debate as to a Maid’s true powers for as long as they have been around. The two biggest powers that stand on the top is that of whether a Maid is one who creates their Aspect, or creates through it, or if they are those who heal their Aspect, or heal through it. Their counterpart Class, Sylph, is one that has been noted to have healing properties. As such, would it not make sense for the Maid to have such powers, as well? Well, personally speaking, the powers of the Maid are much like that of a Knight: far more completed when one tries to put them down on paper. The powers of the Maid are that of someone who creates their Aspect while also capable of healing it, or they can create through their Aspect so that they may heal through it. 

Quite a mouthful, as well as seeming quite convoluted, no? If one were to wish to shorten it or make it far easier to read, then the Maid’s powers are that of merely creating their Aspect, or creating through it. Nevertheless, the reason for this extensive conclusion is merely one question that seemed to pop up when personally pondering the powers of this Class: what is, ultimately, the difference between creating and healing? Is healing not the process of creating something better than before, building up from the rubble of what has been soiled and destroyed? Is creating not healing an empty space where something once was, only to be torn out one way or another?

Let’s take a step back and revisit the fact that Maids are ones whose kind, loving natures are often taken advantage of - used and abused by those far more cruel and selfish in this world. When the Maid, or any of their true friends for that matter, is incapable of keeping their Aspect - and therefore themself - safe from the talons and jagged beaks of those who seek to consume all the Maid has to offer, what will ultimately be left of it; of them? Tatters, ragged clothes, bruises, tears - bloodied and forgotten by those who only sought to tear down the Maid and take away all that they are. A broken person in an even more broken world, with their Aspect left in shreds. 

As much as the Maid may hold hesitance and perhaps even ill-feelings towards such an ingrained part of themself, it would be no different to hating one’s own hands, or their legs, or even their lungs or heart. Their Aspect is as big a part of the Maid, as well as everyone else around them. Because of this,  is just as vulnerable as any other part of these mortal, organic coils. Who is to be the one, then, to come forward and mend what has broken? Who is to be the one who takes charge and heals what has been harmed; to create, heal, and restore balance not only within themself but wherever else the Maid’s Aspect may lie? After all, a Maid’s Aspect is something that completely defines them and their actions just as much as it is a fog that lingers upon everything they encounter throughout their life.

Maids are creators first and foremost, whether it is taking their Aspect - or what is left of it - and creating more of it so as to not only benefit themself but the world around them, or they create through their Aspect, honing in on all of its properties, perspectives, and forms so as to build, restore, and configure whatever they wish or need. The idea that Maids are healers is merely an offshoot of their creative powers, which can occasionally have secondary healing effects on those who are touched by the Maid. A Maid may restore the Hope within another person via creating it, but some could see this as the Maid healing that person’s Hope directly. It is an extremely thin line that the powers of the Maid walk upon, always teetering towards one definition over the other. 

This balancing act is why, personally speaking, Maids will be remarked as those who create their Aspect, or create through it, as their primary power. Any possible healing that comes from these acts of creation is uncommonly an accident, though some may try to claim it more as a miracle than anything else. Let’s not forget, as well, the questions brought up before and their core themes: what is truly the difference between creating and healing? Does the difference truly even matter? For some, yes, it does, but for others, they may be just fine accepting this idea that thematically and in regards to action, there truly is very little that separates the two of them.

As for the journey in which the Maid would go about unlocking these powers, that can become quite an elaborate tale to tell. To give a brief summary here, the Maid’s journey to unlocking their powers is often one of great pain, loss, and suffering that will always force the Maid out of their comfort zone - if they even had one to begin with. To further elaborate, the Maid is one whose life is one marked with struggles, internal or otherwise. Ever since the Maid takes their very first breath of air, their Aspect will latch onto and embed itself throughout the entire Maid’s mind, body, and soul. One could argue that the Aspect is like that of a parasite to the Maid, always taking, taking, and taking, yet rarely ever giving anything back to the Maid. What can be said about this argument is how that is only a slightly accurate description of the relationship between a Maid and their Aspect. If the question being begged in one’s mind is ‘well then, what is the relationship’, one might be slightly disappointed to hear that, as is often the case, it simply depends on the Maid and their circumstances. Ultimately, the relationship between them is an extremely complicated one, but there will always be one thread that runs throughout all of these cases; the ever-looming threat of being totally and utterly consumed by one’s Aspect.

Much akin to Heirs, Maids are those whose Aspects are extremely difficult to shake off. Unlike Heirs, however, who simply drift ever closer to the blackhole that is their Aspect, the Maid is one who has already fallen into some sense of servitude to their Aspect. It is already a force that controls almost everything in their life, whether it is seen in a Maid of Void constantly being overlooked or left with countless secrets, or a Maid of Hope being shoved into a box of rules, standards, and laws for them to play by, or surrounded by countless people, places, and things related to faith and beliefs. The Aspect to a Maid is ever-present, almost to a suffocating extent, and it is one that rarely ever benefits the Maid directly. If anything, the Aspect of a Maid is a force that only seeks to bring torment, harm, and perhaps even death to such an unwilling victim of circumstances. 

Yet as much as their Aspect is something that seeks to harm them, and as much as the Maid may come to despise their Aspect, neither of them could truly exist without the other. At the end of the day, though, a Maid’s Aspect is that which seemingly only wishes to envelop the Maid, making them into a vessel only meant to carry out and fulfill tasks related to their Aspect. This is something that often terrifies Maids, and, as such, they may try to seek out ways to handle such a ravenous beast.

Perhaps some Maids subconsciously seek out destructive people; those who will rip and tear and use up all the resources and energy the Maid has to offer, their Aspect included. Maybe it is simply an unfortunate side effect of their naive, far too loving and kind nature. No matter what, though, there will inevitably come a handful of times throughout the Maid’s life where their gentle, near submissive, way of socializing will be taken hold and advantage of. This will come to happen until, finally, the core of their very being has been revealed for all to see, and the Maid’s Aspect will be shown no mercy. The brightest flower, the freshest and most succulent fruit, the most healthy, bountiful soil, and the most tender of meat is that which will always be torn apart and ravaged the most when it comes to those selfish souls. 

Although the Maid may have thought it good that their Aspect will finally be chopped down like an invasive plant entangling them, suffocating them, a horrific discovery would be awaiting them. As their Aspect is savagely and haphazardly used and abused, exhausted and ragged from a never-ending crescendo of everyone wanting to get their own sliver of Breath, or of Mind, or of Light, there would come a point where the Maid would realize that once all their Aspect has gone, they will have nothing left to offer to those around them. If the Maid were to truly allow for all pieces of their Aspect to be ripped away from them and consumed by these wolves and vultures, then what would be their purpose? Who would see any point in keeping the Maid as a companion if they cannot dazzle everyone with their Aspect and what it holds? Moreover, who would the Maid even be without their Aspect? Who is a Maid if not their entire Aspect, flaws and everything?

If they are to survive, then the Maid cannot allow their hatred and rivalry with their Aspect to persist. As much as it has tried to destroy them - to overtake them and make into a husk - such a similar fate is what awaits the Maid if they are to have every last part of their Aspect picked clean from their soul. The two of them are one in the same - two forces who oppose yet must continue to coexist with one another; especially if neither wishes to be left with a longing sense of emptiness. Because of this, the Maid must not only learn how they and their Aspect can coexist with another, but also how to save both forces from being destroyed for good.

Although some of the Maid’s friends played a part in this act of self defamation, it will also be the Maid’s friends who will help them and their Aspect not only become whole again, but, ultimately, become one. Indeed, the Maid must first learn how they can help to restore their Aspect - create it so as to help fill in the gaping spaces that lack its presence - before learning how to create through it. There are many Maids who see such a long-winded journey as far too daunting, and so they often abide by the ways of only ever creating and restoring their Aspect. For as powerful as it may sound, there still lies that underlying tension and fear of losing themself in their very own Aspect. After all, in order for them to create through their Aspect, they essentially have to swear themself over to its whims, ways, and wires, becoming synchronized and aligned with one another to allow peak performance of power to occur. 

However, those who hide and run away from such power will never be able to truly unlock their full potential, even when it comes to their base powers of creating their Aspect. Never will they be able to fully heal, create, or restore what has been lost of their Aspect, not if they don’t fully submit to it. Even the Maids who know this and still choose not to are often content as is when it comes to their powers. Perhaps it is because they still hold a grudge to those who hurt them, and as such see no reason as to why they should make such a grand sacrifice for a few saps who most likely would never do the same in return. Who is to say other than the Maid themself? Who is to say even the Maid knows the reason for this defiance.

At the end of the day, the base power to create their Aspect is one meant to heal their Aspect. Oftentimes, though, they do end up playing the role of a healer to those around them, as well. The longer the Maid creates and heals their Aspect, the more they will come to realize how truly important they are to not only the people around them, but in the grander schemes of everything, as well. 

By creating their Aspect, the Maid is one who manages to maintain the balance needed for everything, and everyone, to function and grow. They are the ones who make certain every last domino falls, exactly as it needs to be. Whenever there is a hole to be filled, chances are that the Maid will do that job well, if only in a rather arbitrary and seemingly convoluted way of doing so. Such a thing is not uncommon for Maids, though, as they do often show themselves to be either victims of outside forces - often ones far out of their own control - or they are ones who orchestrate such a thing; going against the grain as they see fit. 

Their minds are ones of grand creativity, and their powers are ones most certainly meant to accentuate such a trait. Even if a Maid never ventures further on their path of creation, even the base power of creating their Aspect is one that can surely evolve into something extremely grandiose. A Maid of Doom capable of wiping out or rooting away a hundred mile radius of any life with a wave of their hand, a Maid of Breath creating a storm so disastrous it could rip away entire mountains, or even a Maid of Hope who can bring back a lawful and justified balance; soothing whatever rageful beasts may be surrounding them. The Maid and their Aspect have always meant to work side by side, beneficiaries to one another; when such synchrony has even been partially fulfilled, the Maid is one who can prove themself to be quite the daunting force to behold.

Once the Maid has proven themself well equipped in their power of creation, so will come the moment where they can decide whether they wish to further their power or not. To become one with their Aspect, to create through it, is a power not many Maids may wish to partake in as spoken of before. However, for the ones who do take up this challenge, knowing the risks that may come in their possible failure, they are the ones who will not only truly know their Aspect, but will act as a type of ambassador for it. They will represent all that their Aspect is - the good, and the bad - in order to become one of the finest creators of their time.

By creating their Aspect, there may come a time where the Maid finds themself to once again have an excessive amount of it. It is through this excess that the Maid will find their power of creating through it; honing in on what has bubbled over the brim of the pot, the Maid will be able to create whatever they wish from such concentrated amounts of their Aspect. Through stardust itself, a Maid of Space could create what they wish - or what they need, a Maid of Mind could use their ability to foresee consequences of actions to create the ultimate battle strategy, or a Maid of Time could create a perfectly synced series of events across countless timelines; dominoes falling until they make the final push that allows for the Alpha Timeline to continue pushing forward.

To create through one’s Aspect is to use all that is, was, and ever will be to one’s advantage. However, much like their base power of simply creating their Aspect, these actions tend to have an odd offshoot, or rather side effect, of healing to them. When a Maid creates their Aspect, they may unknowingly be healing someone that they never even considered to be in need of such a service. The same goes for the Maids who create through their Aspect, though this can be one on a far broader, or perhaps even more personal, scale. After all, when creating through one’s Aspect, it is often an action that requires a more direct approach from the Maid. No longer do they sweep the halls or dust the artifacts of a castle, but they now have a far better say as to what happens in the castle; they have more control over it. Although they will never reach the levels of control that a Muse or Lord holds over the castle that is their Aspect, they most certainly are ones who hold the ability to come close to such power.

The role of a Maid is one of great importance, yet also one often looked over. They are the ones who help to bring and maintain balance in a group, no matter how many conflicts seem to threaten the stability of it all. Although such a task is one that often calls upon their powers of creation to be used, and still be given very little reward for their efforts, such a fact is one that the Maid can learn to live with. Of course, there may be moments of hot-headedness from the Maid when it comes to their efforts of healing and creating being unacknowledged, but so is often the life of the Creative Classes. After all, some of the best creators are those who were rarely truly appreciated during their time of life.

A Maid is a healer, creator, and a cleaner. They are meant to fix what has been broken, polish what has become rusted, grimy, or smudged, and, most importantly, love what has been neglected. Their Aspect was once left in such a state of disrepair, and the Maid is not one afraid to admit that it was by their own hand. Becoming lost in pettiness, hatred, and fear is often problem the Maid is known to have. It is only when they enter such a state of mind that not only themself, but other things and peoples around them will begin to truly suffer and descend into a state of disarray. After all, when the bringer of balance no longer does their job, who is going to be the one to look after the castle and the people who reside in its kingdom? Perhaps the Knight, though they are most certainly not ones meant to clean things up.

No, a group without a Maid, or at least one who does not play their part, is most certainly a group destined to be filled with many moments of internal and external strife, complications, and struggles. Considering the nature of the Maid, and how people are often drawn towards them, chances are that the Maid will most likely find at least one or a few people within the group worth the time and energy in healing whatever they lack of the Maid’s Aspect. After all, even the most stubborn Maids will always have their weak points - those bleeding hearts inside of their chests - and there will always be the people they simply cannot say no to, for better or for worse.

Ultimately, though, a Maid is someone who merely looks towards doing the right thing - even if that “right thing” holds questionable morals in order to achieve it. Maids can be excellent friends and allies to have, primarily due to their dedicated nature. While at first they may have been more than ready to put someone in front of themself and their Aspect, the Maid has learned through all of the hardships and trauma from such self-destructive actions that, truly, if one wishes to be the change in other people’s lives, or even the world, they must first change how they treat themself, flaws and everything. They have learned that in order to see the true value and worth in everything and everyone, they must first value themself and their Aspect.

Once they manage to climb over this obstacle that is their hatred and/or fear of their Aspect, they will manage to see the good in not only it, but also themself. When they achieve this state of realization will they be allowed to begin their own journey of personal healing. Such a journey will be long, and at times seemingly treacherous. As long as the Maid keeps to the path that they set forth themself, then it will be their true self that will be there to greet them. When they shake hands, they will finally become the mystical, magical mender they were born to be. For it is not the Witch who sews the clothes and relationships when they have become torn and ragged, it is not the Bard who keeps everything in order and equally distributed, and it is not the Thief who is capable of restoring what once seemed lost and forgotten. No, it is the Maid who does this, and it is why they are one of the most important players out of any of them.

[knives-and-narcissi]

10 Reasons it would make narrative sense for Levi and Historia’s character arcs to conclude together.

I’ve been wanting to do this for ages, but I’ve been nervous of the backlash. Feels like it’s now or never though, and theorising for/analysing stories is one of my favourite things to do - I’m clearly missing those literary analysis essays from university days. So please excuse me if you think I’m deluded - I probably am - but the analyst in me won’t let me be until I’ve got this all out of my system.

Beware, it’s a long one. There's some thoughts on chapter 130 nearest the bottom!

1. Childhood Parallels - The Abandoned Children

Levi and Historia’s childhoods mirror one another - there are striking similarities, but then also sections that fit together to complete each other, as though they are matching jigsaw pieces. The characters start out in worlds that are opposite - Historia has the comforts of a safe home, food on the table, and fresh air and sunshine. She has all the physical nourishment she needs, but she does not have her mother’s love. On the contrary, his mother’s love is the one thing Levi does have, otherwise living in poverty underground. Both their mothers, however, appear to be using sex and the idea of love as a means to survive or way to try and improve their circumstances, and it is out of this necessity that both end up being born.

Levi is clearly affected when he first hears Historia’s tale of her childhood - Isayama shows this through the fact that Levi’s plate is the only one left untouched at the end of her story. He has been so sucked in by what she’s relayed, and probably saddened, that he hasn’t been able to bring himself to eat as the others have. Historia’s story rings true with some of his own experiences, but also highlights the world he may have found himself in without his mother’s love.

Remember, Isayama consciously thinks about each panel he’s drawing - he wouldn’t include a small detail like that without reason. We see more of these instances of small but significant stylistic choices and minor details as we progress. Isayama stated in an interview that he wants to give fans an ending that fans would never guess, but that when they look back, the clues were there all along.

Continuing on with the theme of their childhoods and Isayama’s stylistic choices, let’s take a look at two significant moments:

Both characters, although experiencing different forms of deprivation initially (Physical vs. Emotional Nourishment) were abandoned at crucial moments in their lives - when they were looking for validation from their primary caregivers and the people who should have been responsible for demonstrating affection. Historia was abandoned when, after reading and taking onboard information she read in books just like her mother, she reached out to hug her, and Levi was abandoned at the moment he demonstrated that he’d absorbed everything Kenny had taught him. The parallel between these images is very powerful.

Kenny is a character that highlights more parallels between Historia and Levi.

Kenny’s words highlight the literal lack of growth in height for both Historia and Levi - both are particularly short, and also look youthful - but we can also take the words to suggest that the characters are still very much defined by what happened to them in their pasts, and have yet to step away from their demons and achieve closure on what has happened to them as children.

At this point, we can definitely say that Isayama has chosen to tie both Historia and Levi’s stories together through their childhoods - their backstories are revealed alongside each other, in the same arc of our story, and in terms of experiences, they are both identical and mirror opposite at different points.

2. Shared Values

Despite being deprived of affection for large portions of their childhoods, both Levi and Historia appear to have experienced glimmers of kindness in their darkness as well, and this has shaped some of their values and behaviours.

Levi experienced his mother's love for a short while until he lost her - we know how deeply she cared for him from her refusal to give him up despite Kenny’s advice to her when she fell pregnant. Historia had Frieda’s kindness instilled in her, even though she's not able to consciously remember her actions until later. 

Both display an affinity for animals, with several manga and even anime-only scenes where we see them being affectionate and kind to their horses. We don’t see this as prominently with any other characters.

But one of the biggest shared values is their desire to protect children. I've posted on this before, but here are a few examples of Levi being driven by this value:

It’s clear Levi has a soft spot for children. And Historia? We know her feelings on children from her first action as Queen - realised with the support of Levi.

3. Kenny’s failure … Levi’s success?

These next scenes we’ll focus on represent the moment that Levi and Historia are set up to undergo that ‘growth’ Kenny was referring to earlier in the uprising arc. Note Isayama’s choice of words here, and the symbolism of the whole scene. Kenny doesn’t tell Levi, ‘I couldn’t be someone you looked up to,’ or ‘I wasn’t fit to act as your father figure,’ he literally says ‘I can’t be some kid’s dad.” What does he do then? He shoves the titan serum at Levi.

Isayama pays great attention to this - dedicating several panels to the weighty moment, and Levi’s expression. It’s very dramatic. Notice how the word ‘Dad’ even has it’s own speech bubble. It’s almost as though Kenny is passing the mantle on to Levi - passing that responsibility on to him. It feels as though the passing of the serum replaces the missing words, ‘but you can.’ Isayama didn’t have to have Levi ask that question in the moment before Kenny passed the serum on to him. He could have positioned it so that the discussion about dreams was the precursor to the serum being passed over - which in my head, for the context of the scene, would make more sense. But he didn’t; he chose to have Kenny say that exact line to Levi - to admit his inadequacy as a father figure, with that focus on the word dad - and then hand the item over to Levi.

By itself, the scene could be seen as highlighting the ways that Levi is already a better father figure than Kenny. He has been somewhat paternal in his role as a Captain. But it’s the very next scene that brings Historia immediately into focus.

Historia looks suddenly so much maturer here, and the way the scenes sit immediately after one another feels too much like foreshadowing.

If you want the full effect of what I mean here, just rewatch this section of the anime!

We are presented with parallels between them once again. The focus of the crown and power of the monarchy being bestowed on Historia parallels the gift of the serum from Kenny to Levi - drawing on the ‘titan science’ element of the Ackerman heritage, perhaps?

Let me take a moment here, while we have these two visual representations of the Ackerman and Royal bloodlines side by side so perfectly, to point out that Isayama chose to answer a question in Bessatsu Shonen Magazine regarding the nature of a child born of both these bloodlines in 2018:

Q: If a child were to be born between two people from the royal family and the Ackerman family, which blood would take precedence? 

A: I think that both [of their bloodlines] would be reflected.

4. Blood Lines, Identity and Destinies - the Acker/Royal connection

We are still missing some information about the Ackermans, and Mikasa’s own Ackerman powers and behaviours have been a focus in recent chapters, prompting more questions. This suggests that the role of the Ackermans will be important in the story’s finale. With that said, lets have a look at what information we have about them so far in relation to the Royal Family:

- They worked closely with the Royal Family at one time, even being described as their sword and shield until they fell out of favour.

- They cannot be controlled by the king’s vow or have their memories tampered with. For this reason, they became enemies of the crown and the two bloodlines became at odds with one another.

Do either of these scenarios sound familiar in a romantic setting? The knight and princess trope has been hugely popular in fiction for as long as stories have been told - Lancelot and Guinevere is a well known classic. And two feuding families finally brought back together through love by the younger generation? Romeo and Juliet, anyone?

Okay, so maybe I’m reaching here. But Isayama has opened the discourse around this connection between the two bloodlines without concluding it, so I am certain it will have a part to play in upcoming chapters. Why create two characters from said bloodlines with such satisfyingly parallel but awful childhoods, if not to use them in some way to conclude this part of the narrative in the future?

5. The Beast Titan.

Another common plot point that Levi and Historia have is Zeke. The Beast Titan is a defining element in both their arcs. Levi is driven forward by his vow to kill Zeke, and this is repeated to the point where we expect this to be realised, or at least to see some satisfying resolution between the two. Historia’s situation is defined by her vulnerability to being turned into a Titan in order to consume Zeke. This threat to Historia’s life as a normal girl is also repeated across the later story arcs, just as Levi’s vow and apparent destiny to face off again with the Beast Titan is. If we link back to the knight princess trope, we could suggest that Historia is the metaphorical princess, Levi is the metaphorical knight, and The Beast Titan is the metaphorical dragon. The dragon must be slain in order to protect the princess, and the one to do this is always the gallant knight, or the hero. We know that Levi has been labelled Humanity’s Strongest, and even a hero, before.

It has been Levi’s destiny from the start. What's more, what is the crux of Zeke’s plan for Eldians? 

Euthanasia by preventing reproduction. Zeke’s ideology basically directly opposes the values of Levi and Historia - who wish to save as many children as possible.

6. The Smile

If there is one scene Levi fans lost their heads over, it’s this one. The Smile. Who was responsible for getting the sullen Captain to smile? None other than Queen Historia. The one time we get to see a genuine smile from him, in all 131 chapters of SNK, is when Historia playfully punches his arm. I think by this point, it is absolutely fair to say that Levi has a soft spot for her, although I’m not suggesting this is anything romantic at this stage due to her still being a child. What else is interesting about this scene? Let’s look at it from Historia’s point of view. She’s still a 15 year old girl. I’m hardly suggesting she’s got deep, meaningful feelings for a Captain so many years her senior. What I am suggesting, is that clearly there is the beginnings of her seeing him in a different light, and feeling some sort of fondness towards him too. This is also the stereotype of innocent, youthful infatuation - how many times have we seen teenagers play-fighting or bantering with the object of their affections? Something might just be stirring in Historia towards the Captain as she begins her transition into adulthood.

7. THAT (deleted) Scene

Okay, so we can’t very well talk about the smile in the context of this topic without addressing this scene:

There were a few scenes cut to make the uprising arc in the anime more streamlined. This is one of them, and again, has been one of the most talked about. People either love or hate this scene. In the manga, it absolutely sets up some major character growth for Historia, when she goes from being scared and allowing Levi to threaten her into taking an action, to standing up to him atop the wall at Orvud district, throwing his own words back at him. In contrast to Historia’s willingness, Levi becomes more receptive to her perspective and backs down, which also shows his growth. (More on that shortly!)

So, if it adds to the narrative around Levi and Historia, and is a key part of their development as characters, why did Isayama let the studio remove it? It must be because their influence on one another’s growth is no longer important to the story, correct?

If you ask me, that couldn’t be further from the truth. 

Isayama has stated there were some elements of Uprising that he was unhappy with. Just, for a moment, think how this scene would fit into the bigger picture of a relationship (whether that be deeply platonic or even romantic) between Historia and Levi. Could people get behind that knowing that once, he handled her so roughly? Does keeping this scene as canon for the anime open a can of worms in terms of what is and isn’t acceptable (even more so than the age gap already does) when it comes to a relationship? Could Isayama be seen as glorifying abuse and suggesting that female characters are likely to develop feelings for men who have treated them so poorly in the past? I completely understand Levi’s reasoning for acting this way in this scene, and I loved the set up and pay off later in the arc. However, I do believe that animating this, and then having them become much closer later in the story, could make a backlash likely.

My conclusion to this particular section is - if their influence on one another as characters was unimportant, and the payoff of them reaching a stage where they bring out the best in one another wasn’t relevant to the rest of the story, then The Smile shouldn’t have made it in, right? So much of the set up was removed that it would have been far easier to scrap the scene than to try and figure out another reason for Historia to punch Levi, and make him smile.

That punch was important. It remains for a reason.

8. Levi’s Echo

So, since we discussed the impact of Levi’s words on Historia in the previous point, and how Isayama uses them to illustrate her character growth, let’s jump ahead all the way to chapter 130. We’re now post time skip, where Historia is nineteen. She’s matured now into a young woman - a woman old enough to acceptably conceive a child. This is the chapter which caught everyone’s attention due to Historia’s words to Eren regarding the idea of said child. But first of all, I want to focus on a scene which appears a couple of panels before her question:

‘It’s not as if I’ve just been tending to cattle all this time.’

What does this line mean? The only thing we know in terms of what Historia has been doing in the time skip is that she set up an Orphanage that Levi was also very much invested in and supported her with. So she’s not only been tending to cattle, but ... tending to orphans? With the Captain’s help?

Remember how we said that Isayama doesn’t include subtle details unless there’s a reason. Having Levi support her with the orphanage as a way to show how much he cares about the poorer children wasn’t needed - we already know from several instances discussed earlier that he cares about that topic deeply. So surely this must have been a small detail to set up for a later reveal?

This line alone is interesting, but not necessarily enough to suggest a big influence from Levi. But it’s the next line that grabs attention:

‘There’s no need to fight or run.’

What does this echo?

In my mind, the reason served by this dialogue in 130 is twofold. It works with both the literal events of the deleted scene, and also with the reader’s knowledge that the scene was disregarded later:

1. There is no reason to run or to fight, because Levi is on her side now. When he originally spoke those words to her - run from me or fight me - they were used in reference to what he and the corps were going to make her do - ie, become Queen. Now, they are not forcing her to do anything - they aren’t making her comply with the 50 year plan of producing as many royal children as possible and turning herself into a titan. Instead, she’s empowered by them, and very importantly, him, to make her own decisions while they try to figure out an alternative. (Why do I say him? I’ll cover this in the next point). And yet ... she still chooses to bear a child. A child born of love, not necessity. This is the difference between the birth of her child, and her own birth. And funnily enough, Levi’s birth, too. 

The cycle of history is being broken.

2. Her words serve as a reminder that in the revised version of events, Levi never even forced that choice upon her in the first place. He’s always been her ally and treated her with care and respect. Even more reason for her to value and care for him in return. There really is no need to run or fight - from the military police, because she will bear a child, stopping them from turning her - or from Levi, either. 

9. The Hooded Figure

As promised, let me explain why I say that Levi empowers Historia (yet again) to make her own decisions. My good friend Key made a wonderful discovery regarding the hooded figure panel, and honestly, based on the evidence I’ve seen, I’d be prepared to bet a whole lot on this next claim:

Levi is the hooded figure who warned Historia of the plan to turn her.

I’ve shared Key’s original post previously, but here’s the gist, with some added observations.

Levi from the hallway; Levi from that iconic scene, fits the dimensions of the hooded figure perfectly, without having to adjust the panel sizes. 

The jacket worn is lighter in colour than Eren’s standard black one, but is reminiscent of the jackets worn by the Levi Squad in the uprising arc. The only other clue we’re given to work from is that the figure has their hands in their pockets.

Hmm ... you know who else has a habit of stuffing his hands in his pockets?

So if Levi is the one who warned Historia, is that why she subtly uses his words when talking to Eren?

Let me return to chapter 130 once more, and just invite you to read the following panels from a different angle.

10. Mikasa-Eren/Levi-Historia Parallels

Alright, so this is a bit of a head-mash, but just consider what I’m about to say. In our panels with the Historia-Eren-Zeke conversation, Mikasa is never mentioned by name once. Zeke mentions ‘this Ackerman girl,’ however there is no confirmation that Eren was in fact talking about Mikasa when he asked Zeke about the Ackerman traits ...

Isayama only shows us the conversation with Zeke after Eren has just spoken to Historia about her fate and what the Paradis government want her to do in terms of bearing children. If these are just all memory fragments of Eren’s, why would discussing this with Historia suddenly make Eren think of a conversation about Ackerman traits with Zeke?

In this conversation, Zeke puts two and two together and gathers that Eren is asking these questions because of Mikasa. He then tells him how much Mikasa obviously cares about Eren, regardless of any ‘ingrained behaviour.’ What does Eren then link this with?

The conversation where Historia asks him what he’d think if she was to bear a child. What does ingrained Ackerman behaviour and Mikasa’s true feelings have to do with Historia’s child?

I want to suggest this possibility: this conversation has nothing to do with Mikasa’s feelings for Eren, and everything to do with Levi’s feelings for Historia.

Eren even confirms that Zeke has the wrong end of the stick with asking him how he will respond to Mikasa’s feelings.

What are you even talking about?

Here, he is not considering how he will respond to Mikasa, because he can’t even contemplate that with what he is about to do, and how long he has left to live (although this may have then prompted his later conversation with Mikasa after the market - where he sees Levi save the boy that he will later kill - do you see how this is all linking together?)

Here he means the lives of Historia, her child, and potentially even Levi, as well of course as Armin, Mikasa and the rest of his friends. Want to know why I think that? Isayama hinted it. Again.

We have the image of Historia, suggesting the idea of bearing a child, followed by the image of the child Levi saved, followed by the image of Levi himself.

Isayama draws every detail in every panel for a reason. If part of his conclusion to this manga involves Levi and Historia intertwined and the birth of an Ackerman-Royal child, it won’t be a massively random idea.

It will contribute to an ending where the clues were there all along, but we never really considered them.

(There’s more, so much more, but I have to stop somewhere or I won’t leave my computer. If anyone wants a part two because you’re thirsty for more of this crap, drop me a comment!)

[inkwell1013]

Birds of a Feather

Pairing: Futaba & Yusuke (platonic)

Genre: Fluff and Angst, Oneshot

Inspired by: The fic Lasting Impressions by @codenamegeek​. I lowkey stole the idea of Yusuke and Futaba watching anime together and angst happening but took it in a slightly different direction.

Word count: 1.6k

Warnings: Flashbacks, references to child abuse and disordered eating habits/unspecified eating disorders.

Summary: Futaba and Yusuke spend the night watching anime together, but Futaba makes a horrible mistake that effects Yusuke more than either of them expected and has to deal with the consequences.

Notes: This fic includes my hc about the Autism Squad (TM), which consists of Ren, Futaba, Yusuke and Makoto.

- - -

If you were to ask Futaba and Yusuke what they liked about each other, they wouldn’t be able to give you a real answer. On first appearances, they were as different as two people could be, but they shared a sense of kinship regardless.

The cumulation of their friendship was their weekly hang out sessions, where Futaba binged anime and ate snacks full of empty calories and Yusuke sketched quietly. They were both doing their own things, but at least they were doing it together.

“What do you wanna watch Inari?” asked Futaba, fetching another bag of snacks from the cupboard. Sojiro always kept little stashes of food around Le Blanc and their home. It made Futaba feel secure, knowing that the food kept there would always be available. She wouldn’t go hungry here.

“Can we watch Neo Featherman?” said Yusuke, pencil still in motion. “I find the actions scenes quite inspiring for anatomy practice.”

“Sure.” Futaba switched on the television and loaded the show. The familiar jingle burst from the speaker and Yusuke absentmindedly hummed along with the music. The title card flashed on screen: Death of a Condor.

“Wait, what’s going on?” he asked, looking up from his drawing. “Is Black Condor dead? I thought the feather of destiny made him invincible?”

“It does, but it was stolen by Purple Squirrel in episode eight,” explained Futaba. “Weren’t you paying attention?”

“Not really. I just watch it for the fight scenes.”

“And the cute boys.”

Yusuke blushed bright red. “Don’t be ridiculous.”

Futaba giggled, throwing a bag of crisps at Yusuke, which smacked him square in the forehead. “Here,” she said. “Don’t forget to eat. You know what you’re like.”

“I was going to eat eventually,” he grumbled.

“Sure you were,” said Futaba, rolling her eyes. “Just remember to, okay? Sojiro will kill me if you collapse on the way home again.”

Yusuke nodded, his tongue still stuck out in concentration, as the pencil in his hand danced over the page. Futaba span back around in her chair. She was secretly pleased when she heard the sound of the bag being torn open, followed by a crunch.

What an achievement! She had gotten the starving artist to eat. The only other people who had succeeded at that herculean task were Sojiro and Ren.

She didn’t say anything though. Making a big deal about it would only upset him and he had a hard enough relationship with food as it was. Futaba was content to let him eat at his own pace and return to her show.

***

Futaba was furious. They couldn’t just wave away Black Condor’s death by bringing him back to life with Green Parakeet’s powers. Not only did it ruin the climax of the season, but it also made no sense lore wise. If Green Parakeet could bring people back to life, why didn’t she do that to save her lover in episode three? Futaba was going to write a deeply passionate blog post about it later that night.

“So… next episode?” she asked, spinning around in her chair.

Yusuke paused his sketching and nodded. “Just give me a moment,” he said. “I need to use the bathroom.” He stood up, leaving his sketchbook on Ren’s bed.

Once Yusuke’s footsteps had faded and she knew that he was gone, Futaba took a peek at Yusuke’s sketchbook. She couldn’t quell her curiosity, and who knew when she’d have this opportunity again. Yusuke was notoriously protective of his sketchbook – practically growling at anyone who so much as touched it.

The book was open at a sketch of a woman, done in careful, painstaking detail. Even with all the work Yusuke had put into it that evening, the piece still wasn’t quite finished. The woman was beautiful, with long dark hair and slender features. She looked like Yusuke; Futaba realised.

She turned the page, only to see another sketch of the same woman. Upon first glance, it looked identical to the previous sketch, but upon closer inspection she noticed a few slight differences. The nose and eyes were a different shape, and her hair seemed a deeper black.

There was another sketch on the next page. And the next. And the next. And the one after that. Each one was slightly different but still recognisable as the same person.

The door slammed open, and Futaba involuntarily jumped, tearing the fragile page in half.

“Futaba!” snapped Yusuke. “What the hell are you doing? You know you’re not supposed to touch that.”

His eyes fell upon the torn page and his mouth twitched halfway into a frown. Futaba dropped the sketchbook, which landed on the bed, with a thud.

“Inari I—"

Yusuke stared down at the ground, not wanting Futaba to see his expression. “Get out,” he said.

He couldn’t lose his temper with her. Not with Futaba, the girl who cried if people raised their voice at her, who jumped at every slam of the door, who was terrified of strangers, all because she had been hurt by someone who was supposed to love her, just like Yusuke had.

They were birds of a feather in that respect. They were two helpless fledglings who had been beaten and thrown from their nest before they were ready, doomed to suffer at the hand of fate.

He refused to do that to another person.

He refused to repeat history.

“I’m sorry,” mumbled Futaba.

“Please go. I need... I need you to go.” His voice broke, as he was barely holding back his angry tears. “I can’t… I don’t want to let myself be mad at you. Please, just give me some time alone.”

“Yusuke…”

“Please Futaba,” implored Yusuke. “Don’t force yourself to be around me while I’m like this.”

Futaba gave him one final worried look before slinking out the room, shutting the door behind her.

***

Futaba knocked on the door again fifteen minutes later, holding a plate of curry in her hands. After she had explained the situation, Sojiro served up a portion and told her to give it to Yusuke as a peace offering.

“Inari!” she called. “I come bearing gifts of curry.”

She received no response, and for a moment considered leaving the plate at the door for Yusuke to collect later. Then, the door slowly creaked open revealing the artist. He had been crying, she could tell. His eyes were bloodshot, and streaks of tears were left on his cheeks. He rubbed at his face with the sleeve of his shirt.

“Do you want it?” asked Futaba, offering out the curry. “You can say no.”

Yusuke looked a little apprehensive but nodded.

“Can I come in?” she added. Another nod.

They sat down on Ren’s bed, and Yusuke held the plate carefully in his hands, as if he were carrying a gift from a god.

“Are you okay?” asked Futaba. Yusuke set the plate down on his lap.

“I’m sorry,” he signed, hands trembling. “I can’t speak right now.”

Futaba had been teaching Yusuke and the rest of the Phantom Thieves sign language for a little while now. It was useful for giving commands in the metaverse and for when one of the party members went nonverbal, which wasn’t an uncommon occurrence, especially with four autistic party members.

Still, she knew that Yusuke wasn’t very fluent, and it would be difficult to carry a full conversation with him in sign. They would have to find another way to communicate. Then, she had an idea.

“Do you want to text?” she offered. Yusuke nodded, setting the curry on the desk and pulling out his phone. Futaba did the same.

Yusuke: I apologise.

Yusuke: It was wrong of me to snap at you like that.

Futaba glanced up at him, quickly typing in her response.

Futaba: I understand. You were upset.

Three dots hovered in place for a moment, as Yusuke typed.

Yusuke: Being upset is no excuse for how I acted. It was completely out of order.

Yusuke: It’s just hard.

Futaba: Do you want to talk about it?

Yusuke paused for a second.

Yusuke: Yes.

Yusuke: The painting downstairs is my mother. She died when I was young. I can’t quite remember her, no matter how hard I try. Her self-portrait, while beautiful, isn’t objective. No self portrait is.

Yusuke: I’ve been trying to piece her face together from the few bits I can remember but I can never get it right.

Yusuke: When I was younger, I tried to do the same thing, but I was caught.

There was a pause in the conversation and Futaba looked up. Yusuke’s eyes were watering. He looked like he was going to burst into tears all over again.

Yusuke: Madarame tore up every single sketch and burned them all in the fireplace. I cried for hours but he didn’t apologise. He wasn’t even sorry.

Futaba: That’s horrible! You did nothing wrong.

Yusuke: I’m sorry I yelled at you Futaba. I don’t know what came over me. It’s just when I saw that torn page, it was like I was back there again, having all my hard work destroyed.

Futaba: You were scared Yusuke. I understand.

She turned off her phone and fetched the curry from the table. “Here,” she said, passing it to Yusuke. “Crying takes it out of you.”

Yusuke accepted the offering, taking a bite of the curry. Futaba wasn’t sure what to do with herself. She eventually settled on sitting next to Yusuke and placing her hand on top of of his. He gave her a sceptical look, but made no move to pull away, taking another bite.

They were as different as two people could be, but they understood each other and that was enough.

[valdarian]

Invader Zim- Infinite Pink: Prologue (1)

WARNING/DISCLAIMER: This fic is intended for a mature audience and will be covering some traumatic topics that could be triggering. Please be advised! 

Read with caution! 

-Major Character death is temporary and only used in prologue.

-This fic is likely to make some uncomfortable or potentially be triggering. -It is intended for mature audiences, as it will be exploring dark and mature themes and situations. Such as violence, implied/attempted sexual assault and abuse. Non-con/dub-con warnings apply. I will try not to go into too much graphical details, however be warned it will be implied or referenced. -The events in this story are entirely fictional and merely done for dramatic effect. However, they are not intended to poke fun or downplay the real-life seriousness of these issues in anyway.

-I always try to include additional warnings in my author notes before each chapter.

WARNINGS OVER.

Stay safe!

===============================

SUMMARY: Zim’s trial was a victory for Irken society, their biggest thorn finally defeated for good. Zim’s soul reflects on his life and actions from the great beyond. 

When a second chance presents itself; Will he achieve his happy ending or wind up like he did before? Fighting against impossible odds, unraveling mysteries and discovering what lies beneath. Secrets will be revealed. What truth awaits?

===============================

NOTES: 

-Prazr is supposed to be slow burn endgame pairing.

-No Dib/mission to invade Earth (I don’t plan on exploring it) in this fic, besides small past references. 

-Instead it will be focused more on Irk and her history/society. Like Zim’s Academy/elite days.

-It’s been years since I’ve wrote a proper story, so please don’t mind the writing if it’s a bit weird in some places. I’ve had this plot stuck in my head for about a year. Inspired by my obsessed with Isekai/reincarnation/do-over manga and fics.

-If others want to use this as a base for their own story or art, that’s fine. Just tag me, I’d love to see what you do!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(The Abyss: Undetermined time after The Trial)

Zim floated endlessly in darkness, surrounded only by a feeling of a bygone age.

His body, the only thing visible as far as the eye could see. Was as bare as the day he was born, not even a PAK attached. 

Any Irken caught like this would be ridiculed for such degeneracy. Yet, he could not muster much shame. Only hugging his knees tighter to his chest.

He had nothing to show the passage of time. Only a half remembered feeling of what it was to be alive. Left alone in the Abyss with only his own thoughts and distant memories as company.

How long had he been here? Minutes, cycles...Eons?

Was this what death truly felt like? All alone and tormented by his life on replay.

Forever wondering what had went wrong.

He had been angry at first. Enraged at the thoughts of his trial and execution.

How dare they do this to him, to ZIM! He hadn't done anything to deserve this!

The pain of PAK removal was one of the few things still fresh in his mind.

He had cursed the hoomans and their filthy planet, the dib-beast for always interfering in his plans. As well as a long list of others for his fate. Just about anyone and everyone he could remember. No matter how insignificant they had played a role in his life.

His rage had burned without an end in sight. Who had he angered to endure such disgrace! Who did they think they were to put him through such humiliation? 

The names had slipped past his lips before he could stop them.

The Almighty Tallest.

His tirade had halted immediately. Appalled at his renegade of a mouth.

What traitorous thoughts! 

The propaganda and teachings of the Empire still deeply ingrained within his mind.

Yet, the more he had thought about them, the more his rage started to burn again. Turning into a blaze of discontent and resentment.

The Tallest had used him!

They were no more innocent then he!

Just as the Empire had designed them to. Zim had only been doing what any Irken soldier would've done...right? They were taught to love destruction and mayhem. How could he ever be the one in the wrong? Was not that, the purpose the Control Brains gave them?

He was only doing his duty.

What right did they have to punish him then!

Was not it the Tallest who had forced him to pilot during Operation Impending Doom? 

They hadn’t even asked what had caused the disaster. Why he had done what he did. Not that he could’ve answered them. Even now, that time is nothing but a distant haze at best. 

Still, they had never tried to find out what had went wrong. Only sending him to suffer on Foodcourtia under the sadistic Sizz-Lorr.

Did they like seeing him in pain? Did they enjoy seeing him unable to fight against them, even when they continued to ridicule him. Pushing him ever closer to his breaking point?

Like when they had sent him to that treacherous death-world known as Urth.

No! His body had shook in anger.

No, no. 

The truth was that they had sent him into the deep recess of space, hoping he would die.

He had turned a blind eye to all their misdeeds against him. 

For so long...too long, he realizes now. 

Letting his feelings blind him.  Everything had just felt so...so right with them. He had clung to a smeethood friendship. To long buried feelings that he swore they shared, but could not speak of. 

Had he really been that delusional?

They had been friends once, close ones. It had been an instant connection. One he thought would last the test of time. Since their days in the Academy, they had spent practically every waking moment by each other’s sides. Years spent studying, training and completing assignments together. Even graduated as elites with one another.  

He had cared about them, more than he could ever put into words. He had thought they had cared about him too.

Maybe they had one point...Until their love of status won out.

Zim had always known about their dreams of grandeur. But, had ignored it. Convincing himself, that no matter what, they would never abandon him. That they still cared for him...even if only a little.

Yet, time and time again he was proven wrong. 

Unwilling to accept the truth. His own delusions gladly filling in the blanks. They were ultimately the same as him, obviously. Only doing what the Empire wanted. What the Control Brains wanted. 

This was all an...act...There was no way they actually hated him. It was...a test! A test of his faith, of his will...of his love. No matter what, he couldn’t fail. He needed to prove himself to them. Maybe then...

What a pitiful creature he had been.

So much so, he had even done something as primitive as pray to the ancient Gods. Hoping that one day...

He really was delusional. The crazed mess everyone believed him to be.

After all, what Irken in their right mind, would ever want to be seen with such a tiny smaller? 

Yet, in the end he had still loved them. Even now his cardiac-spooch aches for them.

They had hurt him, but he had hurt them too.  He hates them, he loves them, he hates them, he loves them...

He doesn’t know what to think about them anymore.

After some time, his anger had eventually moved on. 

To the only ones left.

The Control Brains.

The machines who claimed to control everything. If they were truly such omnipotent beings, then surely they had to have known his PAK was defective! They dictated everything about Irken lives after all, from what they wore, to their careers and everything in-between. 

Then why was only he to blame!

Were not they the ones that programed him this way!

If he had been such a threat to the empire, if his PAK had so many errors, then why didn't they fix it!

Why had he been the only one to be punished!

If he was so broken, then why couldn't they have just fixed him!

…and just like that, the flames had been snuffed out. He had been quiet for a few minutes...hours...or maybe even days. Dwelling only on that single thought alone.

A sob had left him as the realization came crashing down.

Only then had he finally blame himself. A deep well of shame had quickly bubbling within him.

Over two hundred cycles, years devoted to serving the Armada. Bowing to the strict rules of the Empire and whims of his Tallest. Placing his loyalty to Irk above all else. Rejecting his natural inclinations. Forever trying to hid his perceived weaknesses.

It all amounted to what exactly?

He was defective. A mistake. A problem to be remedied and swept under a rug to be forgotten.

He was only capable of needlessly destroying everything in his path, even himself.

Forever trying to be something he wasn't.

While Silently pleading, hoping beyond hope someone would give him the attention...the love that he so desired. His peers would recognize him and appreciate him.

Irk was sure to celebrate his death for cycles to come.

It's not that he hadn't tried to control his urges. He had tried, he really did. To be the perfect soldier, to be the prime Irken example.

But, at his core, that not who he was. Despite how much he had tried to make himself to be so.

Luck was as much his friend as it was his enemy.

In a society were one was not to step out of line, not to break any mold, to do only what they were told. Someone like him, could only double down. Hoping that maybe this time something would go right. If only he kept trying it wouldn't be considered failure. Something would have to work eventually, right? He hadn't been kicked out of the collective yet. So that meant there was still hope.

What a fool he had been. 

Chaos incarnate many called him. The name Zim was synonymous with destruction and failure. He had no glory, no honor. He was nothing but a devil to his own people, an omen of their death.

By the Gods, if he could just go back! 

His hands clench at the thought.

Would things be different? Could he make different choices. 

Even if his loyalty came into question? If he walked a different road then that of the perfect little Irken. 

Would he even be capable of such a thing?

He doesn’t know.

If only he had tried a little hard to control himself. If he could just be given another chance to prove himself. If to no one else, but to him. If he could just have a chance to live life how he truly wanted.

If only he could start over. If only...

A humorless laugh leaves him. Who would even give him the time of day? To him of all Irken?

As if.

His Empire had denounced him. His people had forsaken him. He had nothing left.

Magenta eyes stare blankly into the expansive darkness. They close as he  buries his face into his knees, lamenting his fate.

Truly this couldn't have been a more fitting punishment for someone as despicable as him.

--------------------------------------------------------------

Cover Art: https://valdarian.tumblr.com/post/643477875611271168/cover-art-for-my-invader-zim-fanfic-infinite

OC ART:https://valdarian.tumblr.com/post/643603226310148096/just-a-few-of-my-oc-that-appear-in-infinite-pink

MAP of IRK: https://valdarian.tumblr.com/post/644055524128735232/guess-who-found-a-world-map-maker-its

Next chapter:

https://valdarian.tumblr.com/post/640238150925598720/invader-zim-infinite-pink-ch1

[charmedseoull]

The Aftermath of Fanfiction Authors with Reba Interview

Before You Read the Interview

I contacted Reba after she posted a Reddit thread titled “When a fic becomes too popular and the author deletes their account and/or work. Explained.” on a throwaway account. We discussed details of the interview during December over email, then started the interview in January. This interview is not associated with a project and is its own independent work. Reba has chosen to remain anonymous.

She provides insight on potential reasons to why fanfiction authors abandon their work from the perspective of a fanfiction reader. She also answered general fandom questions and questions about herself so readers could understand her background.

Charmedseoul is a BTS-focused anonymous historian who documents fandom history using Fanlore. If you would like to be interviewed to help document perspectives in fandom, please contact her on Twitter @charmedseoul or on Tumblr @charmedseoull.

Parts of this interview have been edited with links to Fanlore and Wikipedia pages for understanding. Any information in [brackets] serves for further clarity for readers and elaboration of information.

Now presenting the interview with Reba, long-time fanfiction reader and participant in fandom:

When did you first join fandom culture?

I joined fandom culture in 2014. I feel like fandoms really peaked during this time. [Presence of SuperWhoLock and other Tumblr specific fandoms.]

What fandoms are you in? How have your experiences in them been?

I will be honest and say fandom culture isn’t for me- so I can’t say I’m active in any fandoms (I’m just a silent consumer) but growing up I was a fan of music artists mostly; Justin Bieber, Ariana Grande… I loved the IT 2017 movie adaptation for a long time (I still do), and early 2020 is when I got into BLACKPINK, then BTS. My experience with all of these has been good, and maybe that’s because I don’t see any of the drama and arguments online- but I don’t regret any of my past interests because they all made me happy at one point in time.

What do you like about fandoms?

 What I like about fandoms is how happy it can make an individual; getting excited for a new music video, smiling at behind the scenes photos… it can bring someone a little joy if they are having a bad day.

What do you dislike about fandoms?

I don’t like stan culture at all; fandom drama, arguing on twitter with strangers to defend an artist who doesn’t even know you… it all seems toxic. While I'm sure healthy stanning does exist, I don't think it's easy to achieve at all.

How long have you been an ARMY? What are your opinions about the fandom? How has your experience in the fandom been? 

I became an ARMY in early 2020 when Map of the Soul: 7 was released, so only a year. I really do like the fandom; ARMY is the only fandom I’ve seen where there are so many fans worldwide of all different ages, and that just shows how BTS and their music really is for everyone. There is so much BTS content that there’s never a dull day, so my experience in the fandom has been enjoyable!

Did you ever leave ARMY and take a break then come back?

 I’ve never left ARMY, that being said, I’m a newbie and haven’t been here for long.

When did you first start reading fanfiction? 

I have been exposed to fanfiction since 2014, but I wasn’t in any fandom back then and started reading fanfiction in 2017.

What do you think the purpose behind fanfiction is?

 We mostly read for entertainment but there is definitely a purpose to fanfiction, as for all art. Fanfiction is a great thing for both reader and writers, it can be an outlet for many people, a way to experience things that you don't have a chance to experience in your own life. It also can be a good base ground for people who want to start writing, or for someone who finds reading huge paperback novels difficult. Fanfiction is so easily accessible, you can pull up a story to read or share your work at the press of a button.

As you’ve read fanfiction over the years, do you feel like anything about fanfiction has changed?

Yes! Fanfiction is taken a lot more seriously now, people who write fanfiction treat it like an actual novel with plotting and editing- the quality of fanfiction in general is a lot better. Fandom ships have also changed; when I was a teenager Harry Styles fanfictions were crazy popular, now the fanfics that seem to be more popular are BTS! So that just shows when music evolves, pretty much everything else does too.

As a reader, how do you view authors?

I'm always amazed by fanfic authors because they practically write whole novels for free. Writing can be such a personal thing, and it does take talent; there is a story the author wants to convey, and when a story is told in a beautiful way, it leaves a lasting impact on the reader. I’m sure that must be a euphoric feeling for the author- it means they told their story, and they did it well.

Do you think many other readers share the same view as you?

No, not at all. There are readers out there who don’t really think about the time and effort authors put into their stories. I’ve seen readers expect so much, and criticise something so little. It’s sad- people should be able to write whatever they want, writing is supposed to encourage creativity. Authors shouldn’t have to fear backlash for doing just that. Being creative. 

Why do you think so many authors delete/orphan their work after it gains popularity?

When a story gains popularity- it attracts good and bad attention alike. Unfortunately the negative affects us a lot more, it’s just human nature. While authors do put their work out there, I don’t think they are ever prepared for their stories to become so popular. I am sure it is overwhelming and that’s why authors feel the need to distance themselves from it all and delete/orphan their work.

What stories prompted you to start thinking about why authors delete/orphan their works? 

I read a story called mixtape (IT movie) and I was around long enough to see chapters be uploaded each week. I also saw the struggles the author went through when their fanfic began to rise in popularity, which eventually led to the story being completely deleted from the internet. So I thought this could have been a one-off since I hadn’t read many fanfictions. I then moved onto BTS fanfiction and decided to read the most talked about ones first, only to see a lot of them were by orphaned accounts (so not just a one-off occurrence!). House of Cards by sugamins was the one that got me thinking, I thought “why would somebody not want to be associated with this amazing writing?!” That’s when I began to do some research and stumbled across your interview with the author!

How do you think backlash for a work harms an authors mental health? 

An immense amount of feedback, positive or negative, can take a toll on one person. A lot of authors can be reserved people and they write because they are passionate, as an outlet or just a hobby. So when their work does receive backlash it can be very upsetting- it could make them doubt their reasons and capabilities and affect an author so much they might stop writing all together.

How do you think some authors manage their mental health and not delete a work? 

This is a hard question because everyone deals with backlash differently. I know some authors who are not bothered by backlash and they choose to ignore it and move on with their day, and then there are other authors who are more anxious and have to put a lot of measures in place to protect their mental health; from your interview with sugamins they explain how they didn’t want to destroy their work, just distance themselves from it, so that’s always an option.

Taking time away from social media and getting enough rest, it is important to not neglect your well-being. Finding a way to cope when you feel low; animals tend to ground me and improve my mental health- they are loving and don’t judge you for who you are. Maybe you cope by talking with friends, or listening to your favourite song. It doesn’t matter what it is, as long as it helps. 

At what point with mental health do you think authors start to consider deletion/orphaning?

I think an author starts to consider deleting/orphaning their work when it completely consumes them. It is not healthy to be fixated on something that is no longer bringing you happiness, you need to let it go. If you are an author reading this, just know you are not your feedback, it doesn’t define your existence, okay? Fanfiction should add to your life, not take away from it. 

Why do you think some readers invade an authors privacy?

Sometimes, people care more about the author than the work they have created. So when a fanfic has deeply touched a reader and helped them through so much, they want to reach out in any way and tell them so- this can be invasive if the reader is not careful about their approach.

How do you think authors manage this privacy invasion?

Stopping it before it happens; not using your real name, having a separate account for writing, don’t link social media accounts in your works etc. If privacy has already been compromised and a reader is making the author uncomfortable, then disabling comments on their works, making a new social media or changing their accounts to private would be smart. Just knowing how to keep safe online.

At what point with privacy invasion do you think authors start to consider deletion/orphaning?

When you are at risk of being doxed. I think when readers are going as far as finding authors’ personal accounts and messaging their friends- anything along those lines is scary and the reader is going from a supporter to an intrusive stranger real fast.

Why do you think anonymity is important for fanfiction writing?

When your full name is attached to everything you do, people have a very easy way to get back to you. This is why authors keep an anonymous profile, and it is important readers respect that.  Most authors don’t want their family, friends, employer etc to see that sort of stuff. It is completely okay to remain professional and keep fanfiction writing separate from personal life.

Do you think fanfiction writing should stay free? Do you think authors should be paid for their work? 

I do think fanfiction writing should stay free on the sites they originate from (AO3 for example). However, if the author wants to take their work elsewhere to earn money then I don’t see an issue in that. I am glad you mention copyright law with fanfiction in particular because the author of mixtape (the fanfiction I mentioned earlier) tried to self publish their work while keeping canon names, the author tried to justify it as a parody work and everyone was so concerned that they reported the book until it got removed. I have seen stories on Wattpad become published books to purchase, however, the names had been changed to original characters- I think this seems like a much more logical move to avoid any legal repercussions.

As a reader, how has an author’s work connected with you personally? 

I have had works connect with me on a personal level, one in particular is Somebody To Love by LOVERVMINS (orphaned). My standards are impossibly high after reading that fanfic and I don’t think I will ever come across something so beautiful again. Somebody To Love is a taekook fic that was uploaded to AO3 in 2019, the author ended up deleting all their works but thankfully left this particular story up. I was immediately captured by the incredible writing and unique plot; the story of two lovers who were never meant for each other, but destiny found its way anyway… I apologise in advance for how long this summary (with spoilers) is, but I think my thoughts are proof of how this story has connected with me so much!

(Spoilers for Somebody to Love by LOVERVMINS. Please feel free to scroll to the next bolded question to avoid spoilers.)

In this story, Taehyung is a successful lawyer while Jungkook is just a student, despite the difference in status and wealth, they are intrigued by one another from the very start. After meeting Taehyung, Jungkook is left feeling confused about himself, the internalised homophobia is strong to begin with but as the chapters progress Jungkook goes from someone who is afraid of society and what people may think, to strong and outspoken. Taehyung plays a fundamental part in this, because if Jungkook were to never meet Taehyung, he wouldn’t have realised who he really was, he wouldn’t have been brave enough to discover his sexuality and fall in love in a time where it was so unaccepting. Taehyung is bold and confident on the surface, giving little regard for anybody other than himself, but his concern for others soon changes after he meets Jungkook, he becomes a better man. He could have had his heart desires- but Taehyung was no longer selfish from those few months he spent with Jungkook, so he stayed with his wife to be a good father.

Taehyung makes Jungkook promise him he will find somebody to love (hence the title), and he does, Jungkook finds somebody to love and he is happy- Taehyung finds this out when they unexpectedly meet a few years later, this is the final time Jungkook and Taehyung see each other… but knowing Jungkook is happy, leaves Taehyung happy.

There are different kinds of love, some last forever, and some just for a chapter of your life. It is clear Jungkook was Taehyung’s forever. And I don’t think Jungkook’s love for Taehyung ever went away, he just found another kind of love like he had promised. Jungkook had to live his life; he couldn’t wait for Taehyung, to leave his marriage in the unforeseeable future, or watch him raise his kids from afar, this shows that even if society were accepting, their circumstances were too far gone- if only they met sooner, or in another life. It makes you imagine a world where they could have been together, it makes you think beyond the story even when it’s ended.

It has been a month or two since I read LOVERVMINS work, and I still feel a pang in my chest every time I think of Taehyung’s letter for Jungkook in the epilogue.

Why do you think others think they have the right to know an authors personal information?

I think in this day and age, everything about a person is on show, so people just expect that sort of information from you. Authors appreciate feedback- but they don't know the reader, their family or what they do for fun. Vice versa. You only see a small glimpse into the authors life, and the stuff you see is what they feel comfortable enough to show. That should be enough.

Do you consider writing an art form?

  I do consider writing an art form. Writing is like painting an image in the readers mind. I think it is better than visual art because when you are reading a story, not everyone is going to envision the exact same thing, it is up to the imagination. I think that is what makes it so beautiful- we all collectively love a story, yet, we somehow interpret it differently.

Why do you think Archive of Our Own is the ideal platform for fanfiction writing?

I think Archive of Our Own is ideal for fanfiction writing because they give you many options with your work so you are comfortable- it is easy to remove comments, delete an account, or orphan works while keeping your account etc. It is important authors get control of what happens to their work if they want to leave and go in a different direction.

Do you think other fanfiction writing platforms like Fanfiction.net and Wattpad are ideal or lacking?

I think Wattpad is ideal for younger audiences; it’s more visual with book covers and the layout in general is more appealing, I also feel like the stories on there are targeted for pre-teens. When I first got into fanfiction, I did start on Wattpad because it was easier to navigate. I look back now though and do think it is lacking in terms of quality, a lot of the stories are written for shock value and don’t really make much sense because of that. It is hard to find a story on Wattpad that ticks all the boxes (but not impossible). Wattpad also had a breach with data last summer and everyone’s emails got pwned so that made a lot of people move to AO3. I have never used Fanfiction.net so unfortunately I can’t speak for that one. Overall, AO3 has much more content, you can find a story with ease once you know how to use the site.

How has fanfiction writing affected the people in your personal life?

How did you find out that your sister is writing fanfiction?

My sister wrote a Harry Styles fanfic in 2014 which gathered around half a million reads on Wattpad, she got comments from people telling her how much her fanfic has impacted their lives pretty much every day. My sister and I are close and we share the same friends, I noticed when we would have sleepovers she was always on her phone and never paid attention to the movies we were watching. I think all the numbers did affect her for a moment and it wasn’t until my sister started her exams that she realised she had to put her concentration into those to pass, that’s how she came to the decision to delete the story. I asked her recently if she regrets deleting it and she told me she doesn’t at all, she now looks back and doesn’t think her writing was good back then. So I think that shows authors do know what they’re doing and what is best for them in the long run. 

My sister had a one direction fan account on Instagram that had 100k+ followers (insane!), she was always open with her interests and I found out she started writing fanfiction through that account.

What personal reasons do you think authors have for deleting/orphaning works?

The list is endless; maybe the author wrote the story in a bad time in their life and they want to delete it because it reminds them of that time, they could have left the fandom, or they simply do not like their story anymore- they grew up and know they can do so much better. It is okay for an author to grow apart from their work, it shows they are growing as a person too.

Why do you think authors get backlash from writing dark themes?

I think authors receive backlash from writing dark themes because it can be triggering for some and can bring up unpleasant memories.

What do you think are the responsibilities of an author when writing dark themes?

 A safe bet would be to tag anything relating to abuse (physical, emotional, etc), mental illness (eating disorders, self harm, suicide, etc), graphic violence and rape/sexual assault. That’s what comes to mind. And if a trigger occurs only in a certain chapter, then having an additional warning in the chapter notes would be helpful.  

What do you think are the responsibilities of a reader when reading dark themes?

If dark subjects are included in the tags, don’t read the story if it could trigger you. It is as simple as that. People decide to read the fanfic then get mad at the author for triggering them. I am not trying to insult anybody who has triggers, maybe they read a story and their specific trigger was never mentioned in the additional tags… this is what the ‘chose not to archive warnings’ box is for, with this option, it is handled in AO3’s FAQ that major tags are not necessary. In shirt, this means there may be triggering content in the fic that is not disclosed by the author. Plus, there is usually a pop up banner before you click on a story which reads ‘this work could have adult content. if you proceed you have agreed that you are willing to see such content’. There are so many warnings, you can’t miss them. It is a case of reading at your own risk, you can’t blame the author if you do not like the result.

Do you think authors are facing too much pressure from readers about what themes they write?

I do think authors face unnecessary pressure with the themes they write; they are put on such a pedestal that when they write something that isn’t what the audience want, they receive a lot of negative criticism. Authors, no matter what themes you are writing, there is no need to worry if you are writing for yourself and putting out the content you set out to create.

Why do you think authors write dark themes?

 Dark themes are simply an exploration of difficult emotions along with unpleasant events or consequences. Authors write dark themes because it serves a narrative purpose. And authors don’t have to be ‘dark’ people or experience all of these unsettling things to write such content. 

Why do you think readers read dark themes?

Dark themes are not for everyone, I personally don’t think there are enough dark works out there. I read dark themes because it interests me more, I want to know how the characters are going to cope with the consequences, or heal from the trauma. Other readers might prefer dark themes for the graphic content, this is fine too. Fictional violence is not real- we all know this, so there is no reason to be terrified. 

Why do you think so many authors want to have their work get popular?

 People may disagree, but I think it has a lot to do with validation. Subconsciously, authors want people to like their work- a rise in popularity means readers are seeing the authors work, and hopefully taking enjoyment from it. This isn’t a bad thing as long as you realise validation does not equal self-worth. There are people out there who write and do not gain much attention, but that doesn’t stop them from posting their work anyway.

Do you think a work’s popularity is important?

I personally don’t. I read a range of fanfictions- some are super popular, others are not. It is the content I am more interested in, not how many hits/views it has.  

Should we judge authors for deleting/orphaning their work?

Not at all! I am sure authors have thought long and hard before coming to their decision.

How should we view situations where authors delete/orphan their work? 

For a reader, it can be upsetting when authors delete/orphan their work, especially if there is no possibility of reading that story again. However, we need to show compassion and view the situation from the authors perspective; gaining popularity on a fanfic isn't as pleasant as it might seem, it is much more complicated than that. A lot of feedback, both good and bad, can be overwhelming. Mental health is important, and if that means distancing yourself from something so popular, then it must be done. Privacy can be compromised, people in your real life might find out you write these stories and not be accepting, or readers become invasive which is a scary situation to be in. And a mixture of personal reasons, people are allowed to grow and change and want to distance themselves from things they are no longer proud of. 

What do you think authors should be aware of in case their work does get popular?

This is a good question… I think authors need to be aware that with good feedback, also comes bad feedback. You cannot please every single person on this earth, but that is not your job- so do not take it personally. 

Do you have any last messages to readers of this interview?

 I want to thank you in particular, Charm. This interview is probably the coolest thing I’ll ever get to do for the BTS fandom and I’m so grateful that our paths crossed so we could create this interview together. You are such a kind soul and it has been a pleasure from start to finish. 

For the authors reading this interview; I am just a reader, but I do understand how it can be hard for you to continue on when you are going through so many struggles readers don’t get to see. Just know you are appreciated, and you are supported no matter what you decide to do with your works in the future. Having popular works shouldn’t feel like a burden, there are blessings hidden in there- you have made readers feel a rollercoaster of emotions with your talent, you are able to engage with readers around the world, and you have created a beautiful story from nothing… you did that! 

For the silent readers like myself: let the authors of your favourite work know how much you loved it (in a respectful way) before it is too late! I so wish I had the chance to tell the author of Somebody To Love how their story broke my heart then healed it again. Treasure the fanfictions you love because they very well could be gone tomorrow!

Thank you for reading this interview. Further below are reminders and information about this interview and Charmedseoul’s Fanlore projects.

Reba has chosen to remain anonymous. No social media or information about her will be released publicly.

This interview was conducted through email from January 31, 2021 to February 1, 2021 with Reba’s consent and protections under Fanlore’s Identity Protection policies and the posting website’s privacy policies. Unauthorized reposting of this interview is forbidden. 

Due to the casual nature of this interview, repost of this interview is strictly prohibited. Linking and sharing is appreciated. Translation and unauthorized repost of this interview is forbidden.

Thank you for reading. If you have any questions, please feel free to ask and I will do my best to answer them.