#this and that moment in s1 where he finally breaks down in the office :( is in my heart heavy

[kendallsroyco]

File this scene under: Top 5 moments I wanted to reach through the screen and give Matt a long hug 😭

Seriously though, this is one of the most heart-breaking we've seen Matt. Charlie just plays vulnerability so well and so naturally. The way his voice breaks, the tone of resignation in his voice (considering what he does next after this), him sniffling 💔😔 I've never wanted to comfort Matt so bad during the show 😭

[booksandmate]

On understanding and other things

I think part of the reason why that final talk is so painful is because it shows that they don't know each other as well as they wanted to believe. Both of their ideas about who the other is and what they want are based mostly on what they want the other to be and not on who they really are.

They both want to be together, but in different ways. Aziraphale wants them to be on the same side, on the side of heaven. Crowley wants them to be on their own side, one apart from heaven and hell and everything they know, one where they can be themselves as Crowley and Aziraphale, not as angel and demon or even angel and angel.

And I think the reason they want such different things has to do with a number of things that could be summed up in their different life experiences and, consequently, their views on idealism and big changes.

Aziraphale never got over who they were in the beginning. I think for both of them that might have been one of the most beautiful moments of their lives, because they were still together, on the same side, simply in awe of the beauty of creation and unaware of the problems that would arise in the future. It is the only part of their history where they could be on the same side without breaking the rules, so it is only natural that Aziraphale remembers it as the best of times. But it ended with Crowley being unfairly cast out, so it's only sensible that he has a completely different perception.

And Aziraphale still believes Crowley to be an angel. He interprets his rejection of evil and his pursuit of goodness as a remnant of the angel he used to be and his desire to be one again. And actually, this interpretation makes sense, but it’s just not the correct one. Crowley has again and again denied his demon nature, doing everything in his power to do as little evil as possible without his head office noticing, yes, but not because he wants to be an angel.

Crowley has given up the idea of heaven as fundamentally good a long time ago, as it has proven, in more than one ocassion, to be capable of as much cruelty as hell itself in the name of an imagined greater good. Crowley's experience as an angel was good only at the very beginning. Once he learned that heaven was more about following rules than doing good, his idea of it was lost.

In short, Crowley doesn't want to be a demon any more than he wants to be an angel. It is not a matter of which side, but of the existence of sides per se. He does not like the system and does not want to be part of it from either side.

That is why he is hurt, because after so long, Aziraphale misunderstood his true nature. Crowley wants to be good, yes, but not in an angelic way. He doesn't want to go back to the place where rules and great plans matter more than real goodness. He just wants to be himself, outside of preconceived ideas of good and evil.

And so Aziraphale's offer to return to all that comes to Crowley as a disappointment. To realise that after all these years the one person you can consider a friend doesn't really understand you, the one person who has stood by you, listened to you, protected you, and done everything that no one else ever did. That even that person can't understand what you are, well, it must have felt like a stab in the chest.

And the same is true the other way around.

Crowley wanted to think that after the events of s1, Aziraphale had finally accepted who he was and what he (they) wanted. In the same way that Crowley hasn't been good at being a demon, Aziraphale hasn't been good at being an angel, and Crowley thinks that puts them in the same place. But it doesn't, because although Aziraphale is not just a clueless angel who silently follows the rules, neither has he been let down in the same way that Crowley has.

As I mentioned earlier, their difference of opinion is based (not entirely, but largely) on their different experiences of heaven. Aziraphale has been let down by heaven a couple of times throughout history, but none of them could match what Crowley had to go through when he was cast out. Aziraphale knows this, but he can never truly understand it.

So even when they both understand that heaven is not ideal, one of them approaches it with exasperating idealism, while the other doesn't even try anymore.

[nemonclature]

GUYS. I HAVE A THEORY. IT’S SUCH A GOOD THEORY. ACTUALLY IT’S THE BEST. Actually I’m just gonna go ahead and call this canon. I’m staking my entire identity on it.

So, I was gonna do an in depth art post bouncing off this excellent bit of research. I was expecting some thematic hints a la Hannibal and much fun to be had.

I decided to start with this:

Francis Bacon’s Three Studies for Figures at the Base of a Crucifixion, which hangs on the wall in the Dubai apartment.

Let’s sidestep the Christian connotations of the crucifixion* IMO the Christ bit is misdirection (mostly. We’ll come back to that)

Armand: Witnesses to Christ’s agony. Mr Bacon also referred to these as the Three Furies.

Who are they? The Furies/Erinyes are Ancient Greek Goddesses of vengeance. "The Erinyes, that under earth take vengeance on men, whosoever hath sworn a false oath" ... They are traditionally depicted as … preoccupied with avenging patricide and matricide by hunting down and killing violent criminals ... Their task is to hear complaints brought by mortals against the insolence of the young to the aged, of children to parents, of hosts to guests.” (wiki)

Kinda on point for a vampire that tried to kill his maker, no? Or for a vampire that’s abusing the guests in his home? Or an old man shit-talking two much older vamps. (lol jk not you Danny boy, you trash them all you want bb).

Armand: We’ve received an aggressive offer for the Bacon triptych.

Louis: Oh? I didn’t know we’d made it available.

Armand: It’s a new name, so I’ll have to run due diligence.

Hmm, who could possibly be being setup to enter late season under cover as some innocuous buyer? Who would Armand let into his theatre home in order to wreck it? Who’s presence/interest/existence would he keep from Louis? Who better to complete Bacon's intention and provide the crucified final figure of the set, but...

YES! Our favourite victim of patricide. The ultimate Daddy Vampire. Lestat de fucking Lioncourt.

Guys there’s a reason I’ve been calling him White Vampire Jesus and it’s not (just) because I find myself hilarious.

Real Rashid: The lawyer for the buyer is ready for the teleconference.

Not a massive deal, rich people make lawyers do things for them. But so do VAMPIRES WHO DON’T WANT TO BE IDENTIFIED.

But yeah, lets’ get into that phone call. Mr Philips, the lawyer, is introduced to Mr du Lac (like, in case anyone was wondering how Lestat knew it was Louis who owned it, just fucking use your real name Louis, sure.) The buyer wants it for her husband (GUYS. HE WANTS IT FOR LOUIS).

This is episode 2.03 and, guys, Lestat is EVERYWHERE in this episode. We get Armand opening up, but not about his full past, just about his past with Lestat.

Dreamstat dogs Louis’s footsteps

Louis admits to Armand that Lestat was his maker in this episode.

And the scene directly before the lawyer calls?

Louis and Claudia are talking about Lestat, it moves on to Bruce, but it starts with Lestat.

We could also talk about how, this season, as the focus has moved away from Loustat to Loumand, the action has moved away from the main room with the Triptych, to the tree room and the dining room.

Lets start with the tree room, where Armand (the clinging vine) reaches, but never touches Louis (the tree).

"For woman is a branching tree, and man a clinging vine. And from your branches carelessly, he’ll take what he can find."

(Let no man steal your thyme, trad)

Too much? Then how about the dining room of equally symbolic paintings. (and, side note. Paintings have been IT this season. This is the Armand season, the Amadeo season, the Louis photographer season, the breaking into museums to look at or steal art season. If S1 was music, S2 is art).

The dining room where we find the Ron Bechet, Transformation (A TREE AND VINES FFS), representing Louis (or Loumand) and the (stolen - can we take a moment to appreciate the hilarity that is Louis and Armand dressing up as police officers to carry out one of the biggest art heists in recent history?) Rembrandt, Christ in the Storm on the Sea of Galilee representing Daniel (Fear and Faith).

You can see them more clearly in the S1 scene where Dan and Louis are at either end of the table, each before their own painting.

But also in S2 in combo with the Marius christ-and-demons, representing Armand (or representing Armius?? Lol do they have a ship name? kill me now). I find it very interesting how Armand is sometimes framed with Dan's painting behind him and at other times with Louis', almost like he's being pulled between the two.

Anyway. Point is the GIANT RED ORANGE LESTAT CHRIST SYMBOLISM is suspiciously out of frame this season.

See the difference in framing here in Season 1: (note, this is DanLou first meeting. It's BEEN THERE FROM THE BEGINNING)

And this itty bitty corner shot in Season 2:

And when does the triptych come back into frame? Oh just DIRECTLY AFTER THIS BIT OMFG:

Me too, Dan. Me too.

The triptych has been on the wall from the start of the show. Looming over everything, haunting the narrative, like a giant bleeding meta signpost.

[bronx-bomber87]

Hi! just want to say really love The Rookie episode breakdown that you do.

So assuming you have watch all of them, do you have any list / ranking of best Chenford related episodes? Or can you give us your ranking of best Chenford related episodes? Really want to hear your thoughts on this. Thank you!

Hi @xiaozhen16! First off thank you for your lovely comment on my reviews. Means a lot I'm so glad you enjoy them. :) Also appreciate you wanting my thoughts on this. Let's see I have been with The Rookie since day one, actually pre-green light. I followed Nathan after Castle and his next project and saw The Rookie get its green light. So i've been with since the literal jump. Seen all eps for sure more than once haha Think I've rewatched it least 5 times since it started. Thank you for being patient while I took the time to answer this. Life is hard to fit stuff in so thank you. It'll be a long reply lol In order to answer this properly I'm going to do top 5 with an honorable mentions that could span up to 5 cause this is hard LOL Those will be in no particular order. I'll do it for each season. Except S5. I just can't choose S5 down to a top ten.

I love that entire season. But I can do 1-4. Someday I can rank S5 on its own ranking the entire season if you like but for now it'll be this. Let me know if you'd like me to do that in the comments. But for this one Each season has something different to offer for them. So it'll be easier to break it down by season but only going up to S4. Hopefully you enjoy this detailed reply. Anyone is welcome to comment and such too.

Season 1.

1x14 Plain Clothes Day

Hands down this is my favorite episode of S1 for them. It's a very telling episode for them both. Lots of growth as well. Lucy is hell bent to prove herself to Tim. She is nervous but driven to prove to Tim she is worth investing his time in. Her day is a plethora of jitters and mistakes. Tim consistently getting under her skin and rattling her cage. Then at the last minute like a phoenix rising from the ashes Lucy makes the right call. Such a clutch moment that impresses Tim more than he'll ever let on. Doesn't hesitate for one moment checking that man's garage out.

This is a huge step towards her growth as a cop and a person really. Its seminal episode for Lucy. A stepping stone to her confidence and learning to trust her instincts and not second guess herself. For Tim it's realizing as much as he loves to mess with Lucy he wants her to succeed more. He states in the very beginning of the episode how he's had 11 rookies wash out on this day. ELEVEN. He hasn't cared if his rookies have washed out 11 times. Then Lucy Chen walked into his life. Disrupted his life in the best way.

With her incredibly driven sunshine ways he REFUSES to let her be his 12th. Does everything in his ability to keep her from being fired. They have a lot of lovely moments in this episode ranging from messing with her to fiercely protecting her from that tool-bag trying to take her job. The scene outside the captain's office where he has to re-write her eval gah so very good. Overall just an amazing episode of moments and growth for them as characters and as a ship. Another step towards their rock-solid bond.

2. 1x20 Free Fall

What's not to love about this finale? It's the culmination of everything they've been through to this point in the season. We watch how Tim instantly protects Lucy from being infected. At first he's in control of the situation (or so he thinks..) Trying to keep Lucy calm while on the inside he is panicking. Attempting to keep up his tough T.O. act with her. Determined to show Lucy he's bulletproof no matter the situation. That quickly begins the devolve the longer he is in that room.

The more he has to deal with this disease alone the worse it gets. We get a front row seat into protective Lucy. The way she is losing it for Tim on the outside. Doing anything and everything to get him out of there. This is the first time we get to see Tim trust Lucy emotionally and not hesitate. Not only that but so openly. She has been knocking on the door of this all season.

The scene above is her reward for all that work. The role reversal that happens here is wonderful. Where Lucy becomes the rock. The one to comfort him while Tim is battling with his dark thoughts of suicide if this goes sideways. Trusting her enough to tell her such deep thoughts. Lucy guiding him through those emotions best she can. It's a fantastic way to end the season for them. Lots of earned moments in this one.

3. 1x11 Redwood

Our first Iconic OTP Line Episode. This is where we start to see Tim soften for Lucy. Those sharp edges dulling a bit. We get to watch how he knows exactly how to calm her when she is in a panic. Tim commands this entire episode for her. Distracting her from the moment that needle goes in to chewing out the nurse for not prioritizing her. It was our first glimpse into protective Tim and I was here for it. Excellent introduction to this side of him regarding Lucy. Does the Tim Bradford special where he tells her like it is while showing empathy.

The first time we get to see him care truly care and let her know that he's there. Has her back in a way no one really has before. Lucy is watching her career go down the drain in her eyes. Changing her life forever and is in panic city. Tim doesn't let her be a resident there for very long. This ep showcases how amazing he is at his job and how good Tim is with Lucy. Knows exactly what to do in order to keep her sane.

He spends his entire day distracting her and showing empathy in the process. Ultimately stopping her from going off the razor's edge. It's these moments she has with Tim that shift her POV of him. Why she fights for him like she does. Lucy knows the good heart this man has. That he cares about her as person. That she is more than just his rookie. It's so very good. Producing the line above. *sigh*

4. 1x07 The Ride Along

These early episode are what I like to call building block eps. The foundation that is laid in these are so important. It's Lucy showing up for Tim when he needs it most. Their relationship is in its infancy in these episodes. Being molded into what we see in the finale and honestly the future. Lucy noticing a serious wrong (Isabel taking advantage of Tim's deep loyalty) Not only noticing but not letting him throw his life/career away for it. The line above is EVERYTHING. She refuses to let Tim cross an ocean and compromise his soul for someone who wouldn't cross a puddle for him. The bravery it took for her take a stand I'll always commend her for. How scary it must've been for her to confront him like this. When he was still in his radioactive insanely damaged phase. Tim already meant more to her at this point than she expected. She couldn't stand back and watch him self-destruct for someone who didn't deserve it. Tim is not even close to being used to someone showing up for him like this at this point. It's so very foreign to him.

Not only that but someone putting him in place and knocking sense back into him. Something he comes to learn and love about Lucy. Becomes the fabric of their dynamic really. In the moment he's so angry with her but long term forever grateful she stepped in like she did. That crack in his wall starting to grow a little more. A defining moment for them early on in this season. They had me hook line and sinker after this. I was already low-key shipping them but this added to it.

5. 1x03 The Good The Bad and the Ugly

Another building block episode. A crucial one for them really. I love how their early episodes set them up beautifully for the rest of the season. If not for these episodes you wouldn't see how wonderful the growth is for them both. The episodes that'll be in my honorable mentions are the fruit of these. Because without seeing where they came from how could we deeply appreciate how far they've come? Tim is imploding at a high velocity in this episode. Doesn't care about the collateral damage either. At this point that damage radius includes Lucy.

We truly see Tim as his very worst in the beginning. The beautiful thing is Lucy see's past his hurt into who he is as a person. He is worth getting through to. Also she also see's he is a god damn dumpster fire. One that if she doesn't put him out he's going to take her down with him. You know Tim respects the hell out of her for the scene above. (Not in the moment but in the long term of it all.)

For standing up to him and showing him how selfish he was being. It's what earns her that wonderful scene in the shop afterwards. Where he opens up and tells her about Isabel and a little bit of their history. His way of thanking her for getting his head on straight. Their early stuff is so raw but so good. They're learning how to function together. Usually one of them leading the other more depending on the situation. Start of their wonderful dynamic.

~~~

Honorable mentions-Ones I wanted to include cause they're amazing but can only gif the top 5 and one mention ha So it'll be my top ten for each season. They have so many good eps.

1x18 Home Front

So much to love about this one. Lucy busting his chops the entire ep. Get our first glimpse into their playful work flirts. Her challenging him on his personal life and not work for the first time. Standing her ground in that opinion. Like she does best with him. Telling Tim he needs something other than work. Naturally is defensive at first and eventually caves in. It results in the cute paintball moment above we all know and love.

1x19-Checklist-We get another glimpse into what Tim is willing to do to keep Lucy from washing out. I love this episode and how we start to see Tim trust in her decision making skills. Like the woman with the swapped plates. She lets her go and it ends up working out for her. The final scene is the best where he logs OT for her to continue on in the program. Lucy feeling so supported with this gesture. *heart clutch* So good.

1x16 Green light- Our first look into how protective Lucy can be about Tim. Their rank be damned in her opinion. The way she protects and defends him to Detective Murphy is glorious. Not caring she's her superior officer. She is kicking him when he is already down and Lucy won't stand for it. Then Tim returns the favor when she's upset about catching Cole. ‘Grief is grief. It’s a hole that can’t be filled. But over time, it’ll shrink enough so that you won’t fall in every time you take a step.’ His growth in this line is amazing to watch unfold. How he has grown since his whole debacle with Isabel.

1x15-Man Hunt.- We see some more fruit of Lucy's impact on Tim. Him wanting to do more with his career. He decides to go for Sergeant and we all know she is part of that reason. Also we get a glimpse into Tim and his rookie days through Deacon and his 54 connection. Lucy is delighted to get a birds eye view to his past. It's the scene where they're defending the escaped prisoner that's the best. Saying how he refuses to do something he will be ashamed in the light of day. This moment being proof Lucy's impact on him from 1x07. Its beautifully full circle.

1x01 Pilot-Gotta include the pilot. It's what set the table for them. "Officer Bradford gets our hot shot." He sure does. Getting a look into them as characters and where they start off from. It's what hooked me to this show to begin with. Other than just my love for Eric and Nathan at the time lol I saw deep characters with so much potential and I've been hooked ever since.

~~~

Season 2. Has an unreal amount of good eps for them did my best to keep it to ten.

2x11 Day of Death

Naturally this iconic episode is my favorite of S2. How could it not be? This is a massively seminal moment in their history. It's where they go from border-line friends to bonded in a way no one else will ever understand. We watch Lucy fight tooth and nail to stay alive. She is so resilient because she knows Tim is on his way. He won't let her die. Won't Let Caleb win. Her immense amount of faith is beautiful. Knowing that he will get to her in time. Not a doubt in her mind.

We watch Tim race against the clock to rescue her. The pressure and anxiety mounting through out the entire episode for him. Like a weight on his soul he refuses to put down until she is back. We get to witness how much Tim has come to care about Lucy. See the depth's he will go to get her back safely. Also get to see a darker side to him. Which I wasn't totally opposed to seeing in order to get to her. (and wouldn't mind seeing again. tbh) 'Today is your day of reckoning. I am responsible for a life that is in jeopardy, and I will do whatever I have to, to save her.' *fans self* That man is on edge from the moment she goes missing till she is in his arms above.

First actual relaxing breath he takes the entire ep. You see how his body slumps against her in relief as he holds her. How deeply worried he was and won't let her out of his sight afterwards. We all know that man slept at the hospital all night and didn't take his eyes off her until she woke up. To make sure he was the first face she saw. That final scene in the hospital a beautiful look into the deep bond they've formed at this point. I love them sfm. Where we get our next Iconic OTP Line. 'You know me so well. Too Well.' Amongst a flurry of heart eyes and emotions.

2. 2x12 Now and Then

What I love the most about this episode is how Tim steps back. Let's her get taken care of by someone other than himself. Control Freak Tim Bradford hands the reins over. Because her recovering is more important than his ego. The growth I can not. He see's a blind spot within himself that he can not help out with. So he heeds Nyla's words when she approaches him about taking her on. He watches anxiously from afar wanting not to over step the entire episode.

Lucy is hurt he doesn't let her ride with him right away. She is confused and her emotions are all over the place in this episode. Rightfully so. We get to see once again how much Tim cares about her. The way he's asking everyone around her how she is. Even asks Nolan how she is really doing. You know that was hard for him to do. We get to the end of the episode and this glorious scene above. Tim sharing a piece of his past to heal her present.

You can tell he so desperately wants to take on some of her pain. That if he could he would. Still shouldering the weight of her being taken being on him. Trying to give her some hard won perspective. This is his way of saying he's so proud of her, he misses her, hoping him sharing his past brings her back to him. Brings Lucy back to being his sunshine human. Not the angry resentful one he see's in front of him. It's a beautiful scene for the both of them. The sweet smiles when he tosses back the ring. My damn heart.

3. 2x13 Follow Up Day

Another Iconic moment in S2. This season is full of them. Ground breaking moments that drive them forward as a ship. He's passed his Sergeants exam. Hooray. Lucy is SO DAMN PROUD when they get the news. It's the thing he's been working toward since the beginning of S2. He's offered a Hollywood post. One that he can have quickly. A prominent position for him right out the gate and yet he hesitates. Why you ask? Well he's a little too attached to his current rookie that he pretends he isn't attached to. (While dating her best friend might I add. Something I would forget regularly in this season)

Lucy reminds him why he wants to stay around and not leave yet. She challenges him, supports him and believes in Tim in a way he's never had before. Has unwavering faith in him. He says he's not done training her yet. When really he's not ready to let go of the influence she's had on his life. Heart eyes galore. She is more important than moving up atm. I love it.

4. 2x02 The Night General

The beginning of Tim's quest to study for being a Sergeant. It starts off as Tim torturing Lucy with reading his out of print book to him. What starts out as him enjoying making her read it turns into so much more. Lucy quickly turns it around on him. Because well Lucy. Decides on specific segments to have him recite back. Quickly annoying him and he loses this game fairly quickly. It's during this studying we find out Tim learns a certain way. That he must be in motion to absorb the material. (Me too love) He doesn't take this news in stride very well because it's Tim.

Lucy goes above and beyond to apologize for upsetting him. She spends what I assume is any free time between shifts recording the book for him. Not only does she do this she reassures him that it's ok to learn this way. There is no shame in it even compliments him because of it. Telling him its why he excels at being a cop. I

I just adore this moment so much because she builds him up and encourages him. Never once letting him feel shame for how he learns. Lucy taking care of him in ways Tim can't even comprehend atm. He is overwhelmed by her support and empathy. Can only muster a really loaded 'Thanks.' Such a lovely building block for them. Also welcome to the sweaty gun show above *fans self*

5. 2x08 Clean Cut

Ahh the protective Lucy episode. We get to see how far Tim will go for Lucy in this season. The audience also gets to see how far Lucy is willing to go to protect and defend Tim. Just like in 1x16 she charges head long at a superior to defend Tim. Refusing to let anyone sully his name or character. From the moment their shop hits that woman's car she goes into 'Protect Tim mode.' at all costs.

Hell raining down on anyone who gets in the way of her clearing his name. Eating anyone trying to stop her from righting this wrong she KNOWS is a wrong against him. Tim is so defeated and resigned after it happens. He's not going to defend himself so Lucy takes it on herself to do this. The ferocity is noticed by Tim. Why he lets her lead the questioning against the shady BF.

Lucy breathes life back into him that they could overturn this. That unshakeable faith she has in him. Refusing to let him give up on himself. It's the way she builds him up and won't let him think any less of himself I adore so much. After it's reversed and he gets his award she's a proud wifey. Even throwing back his own words at him when he thanks her. Eyes full of love. It's fantastic full circle moment for them.

~~~

Honorable Mentions

2x19-Q Word

As I've said earlier S2 is chock full of goodies. Tim learning the place he still holds in Lucy's life. He is her GO TO. A place he thought he had lost in 2x11. He gave up having that spot in her life because he no longer felt worthy of it. That he was given his shot and he blew it. Lucy not for one damn second thought he forfeited that. She was more upset he wasn't engaging with her about this than anything else.

Lucy does her best to relieve him of his burden. Of the guilt he continues to feel. To let him know it was NOT his fault. That his opinion is one of most value to her. The very opposite of what Tim thought of his place in her world. It's a good episode. One of the best parts above. Lucy applying some salve to his guilty soul.

2x06 Fallout

Lots to love in this ep. Tim trying and failing at 'being nice' to Lucy while she goes through her emotions about her ex. To him tapping into his actual soft side for her. The genuine side. Them facing a bomb threat and Lucy getting to unleash all her anger about her ex's wedding Such a good scene.. With a little of Lucy throwing his words back like no one else can. Lastly ending with them deciding to spend their last moments on earth together drinking booze. Damn good ep.

2x10-The Dark Side

Ahhh the pre-DOD episode. Where Tim spends the entire episode being over protective of Lucy and not sure why he is. All he knows is he doesn't like this guy sniffing around her. His cop gut screaming at him with a mixture of jealously and actual worry. The whole episode is one giant foreshadowing for the following episode.

2x14 Casualties

Tim background eps are always my jam. I LOVE LOVE LOVE this man and learning of his history. Getting a little look into his life in the service with Mitch. Also the intro of their fur-baby Kojo and how very unready Lucy is to care for him. We get our next Iconic OTP line 'Some things matter more.' A moment which is such a prominent scene for them. Good precursor to the moment they share in 2x19 as well.

2x01 impact

The premiere got some real good stuff. We see how Tim reacts so very poorly to Lucy protecting him. Regressing them both with his flour bomb moment. HIs anger coming out in everything he does with her in this episode. Lucy taking it at first then reaches her boiling point towards the end. Basically hands him his ass in a way only Lucy Chen can. It's glorious. Turns him around so much he brags on her to Grey later on about her jump after a suspect. 'Of course she did. I trained her.'

~~~

Season 3

3x09 Amber

Ahh my fav ep of the season. This episode has so many good moments. Lucy with her list for a 'healthy parting.' How she is determined to make her last day a big deal with Tim. Where as Tim is also determined, just in the opposite direction. Because if he talks about it he's going to have to face her leaving. Which we all know he does not want to do. Fights her on it most of the episode. Until something serious happens. Then Tim finally gives in to distract Lucy from the stressful baby scenario they're currently in.

Takes care of her by letting her do the bloody list he's trying to avoid. They have a lovely moment of reminiscing over Plain Clothes Day. How far Lucy has come since that moment. The amount of confidence she had gained. Learning to trust her instincts fully. Something Tim saw in her day one and wanted her to hone in on. Lucy then brings up UC and Tim saying she doesn't have what it takes. it leads into the most iconic moment of the episode. Where she "pretends" to have feelings for Tim.

Sending Tim into an ABSOLUTE panic till she can't take it anymore and breaks into pure laughter. Wounding his pride severely in the process of proving her point. We get two epic moments in this episode. The parking garage scene is lovely. A culmination of the last year of so. How far they've both come. His last eval being one that brings them full circle. Lucy's flour bomb finishing off the nostalgia. The heart eyes galore in this scene and its topped off with them calling each other by their first names. Starting a new chapter with this wonderful moment.

2. 3x14 Threshold

I LOVE this episode so much. It's why it's number 2. This episode is the culmination of Lucy's fast track UC training with Harper. Lucy chomping at the bit to prove herself. A VERY anxious Tim observing from the outside. The flirty flirt we get in the car makes me squee every time. Little bit of Tim and Lucy truly coming out in that moment. The touching is everything as she communicates silently with him about what's going on.

Then we get this moment above. Where they are blatantly flirting and checking each other out. Especially Tim. Man could not be more transparent in his attraction to Lucy at this point. The elevator gaze before they even talk. *fans self* Shameless flirting, praise from Tim and to top it off Tim is the one to ask Lucy to save him a dance. I remember going out of my mind with excitement when I saw this episode. Look at them above. My god the UST in immense and I love it so very much.

3. 3x06 Revelations

The episode where Lucy begins her interest in UC. It's a ROUGH episode for Tim for a lot of reasons. From his PTSD about Isabel with Mack showing up to seeing Lucy put in harms way. We see the protective side come out fiercely in this one. He doesn't even try to tamp it down. Especially in front of others. i.e. the entire OP room LOL Tim battling past demons and losing terribly. Seeing his favorite human put at risk isn't sitting well with him. His panic at losing her or possibly getting hurt making him lose his mind.

Lucy just wanting him to be proud of her. For showing an interest outside of patrol. To be excited she got put on an OP because she kicked ass on the fly. Impressed Harper enough to green light her. His approval and opinion meaning the entire world to her. When he doesn't she is so very discouraged. That's what makes the moment above so important and amazing. Tim putting aside those demons and letting her have that approval and praise she earned ten times over. Because at the end of the day this OP was about her and not him. So he puts her first with the lovely moment above.

4. 3x11 New Blood

Where we see Lucy be utterly CONSUMED by jealously and insecurities. Tim gets his new rookie and Lucy is excited at first. Then see's Tim isn't treating her anywhere near how she was treated in the beginning. He's being nice, letting her drive, buying her coffee, being soft and empathetic. All things she had to drag out of him kicking and screaming. I've said this before but Tim was her first real 'puppy' with massive success. It was a lot of work though for her to have the relationship she has with him now.

Then this Katie Barnes comes in and gets it all in one shift. Lucy is losing her damn mind most of the ep. Watching from afar with massive jealously. Poor Jackson has to listen to it most of his shift LOL Comes with the bestie territory though. By the end of the episode she see's Tim filling out her paperwork and lets Tim have it. What I love is he doesn't get mad at her for it.

Doesn't reprimand her just quell's her insecurities. Explaining why he was training Barnes the way he was. Then seals the scene with the lovely line above. Lucy is absolutely beaming when he walks away. Full of so much joy and happiness she can't contain herself. He thinks she is one of the best rookie's he's trained and lets her know it. Saying maybe one day Katie could be as good as her. *sigh* So good.

5. 3x01 Consequences

Their first marriage episode of the season. Where Lucy is on Tim like white on rice. Her confidence and self esteem shines through out this season and this is the starter episode of it all. The way they go through Nolan's house together is fantastic. She challenges Tim the entire time with her own cop gut. It's so fun to watch the back and forth.

They go from cute banter to Tim being a fierce protector when they have to go see Rosalind. Tim tries to prevent her from going in. Wanting to shield her from this monster. Lucy refuses says she can handle it. Rosalind just see's someone she can play with. Tim attempts to hold back. Not interfere and tries to keep Lucy steady. Then loses it when she taunts Lucy with her barrel song. The official title of 'Fierce protector.' is born in this moment. Such a good episode for them beginning to end.

~~~

Honorable Mentions

3x02 In-Justice

I adore this ep because it is one giant flirting session. The scene above alone is proof of that. Tim just sitting back and enjoying the Lucy show. Setting up a game he knows she is going to absolutely crush. (and does) They're legit flirting in front of their call for like two minutes before they disengage and Lucy works her magic. Also we get to see how soft Tim is for Lucy and gone for her with her car. Telling her to get over until Caleb PTSD in brought into the picture. It's then he caves instantly. Also the introduction of their pseudo daughter Tamara. Lucy's 'puppy.'

3x04-Sabotage

The fruit of the last couple eps coming to fruition. Lucy having Tim revisit something he did on her first shift. Confronting him about how he treated those gardeners. Not only that but the impact he had on them through his actions. This brings Tim's defenses immediately up and he snaps at her. Trying to defend his actions because he is feeling defensive. He does a poor job of it and shuts down completely. Reason being he's ashamed of who he was then and Lucy bringing it up hurts in a way he wasn't expecting.

We get to see our boy go through some serious growth. MASSIVE growth really. I could not be prouder of him for it. For not shutting down for the rest of the day. Letting Lucy know he was wrong and what he can do so it never happens again. Love this ep for the Tim growth, Lucy calling him out and letting him know how proud she is of him. It's such a good moment/ep for them.

3x07 True Crime

I personally LOVE the documentary episodes so much. The reason being their banter is the best part. Their chemistry is on full display for all to see. Lucy owns Tim's ass in this one. Shoots down all his cocky comments. He is also all heart eyes whenever she isn't crushing him with her words ahha. Light hearted fun ep for them.

3x08 Bad Blood

Good ep for Tim telling her like it is when he's trying to avoid it like the plague haha Emmett breaking up with her over text. Lucy doesn't handle it well. She self destructs till Tim does what he does best and gives her some solid perspective. Helping her finally solve the 'Why' behind her break up.

3x05 Lockdown

Tim and Lucy being a united front against Doug is the absolute best. How Tim comes tearing into the station after Stanton and Lucy has to stop him. Then Stanton is an extra ass and Tim then has to prevent Lucy from hurting him. The way they have each other's backs always gets to me. They spend the entire episode this kick ass duo determined to protect Jackson. I love it sfm.

~~~~

Season 4 another super hard one for me but top ten helped.

4x09 Breakdown

I'm sure some of you thought I would choose 4x22. It follows this one pretty closely but I ADORE this episode. It's my favorite for so many reasons. Lucy has a day off and how does she spend it? With Tim and his sister redoing his childhood home. Totally normal 'Friend' status there. Nothing soulmate level about that at all....Then they spend the episode chasing down his father's sordid past. This is due to a gun they find in the wall. Not only that but how heavily Tim leans on Lucy during the process.

Let's her take the lead and trusts her to handle portions of it for him. Like interrogating his dad's former mistress. Then we get this GLORIOUS scene above. Hands down my favorite hug of their's. Tim confronting his father and walking out feeling nuclear in his emotions. He is radioactive from that interaction and so very hurt. He explains what his father did to Lucy. He's so disgusted and hurt.

Then he is NEEDING Lucy to know he isn't his father. That the Tim tests don't make him like his dad. He is on the verge of tears as he says this to her. The most vulnerable we have ever seen Tim in general but especially with her. Lucy jumping into action and gathering him up in her arms. Comforting him, letting him know he is NOTHING like him. Tim sinks into the hug. Wraps himself entirely around her. Letting her hold him up emotionally. It's here we see the last of his wall crumble to the ground never to be rebuilt again. This was the ep I knew we were headed towards them getting together. All time fav ep.

2. 4x22 Day in The Hole

So much to love in this episode. From their daughter getting her ‘first’ car to finding Tim's bizzaro world double 'Dim' LOL Also the introduction of Juicy aha It's so good I can not. Lucy getting beyond excited to get Tim all dressed up for his UC mission. Especially with the tattoo's. Then when Juicy gets involved so does Lucy. It's AU Tim and Lucy and I was dying. Lucy breaks his brain in more ways than one above. The way she stuns him with her UC background for their characters LMAO He stumbles on his words and shifts like his pants are getting little tight for him heh. They haven't even kissed yet.

It will forever crack me up his reaction. Also the hilarious lead up to the kiss. How nervous and awkward they are. 'Well that's romantic....I wasn't trying to be romantic.' LMFAO. Clearly Timothy.... Eric and Melissa's chemistry on full display in this moment. Then the way Lucy just grabs his face and the kiss above happens. How they instantly melt into each other. Like why haven't we been doing this the entire time? You can see Tim ready to seriously deepen the kiss above. The pre-tongue action going on. Hot damn. I remember having to rewind it making sure what I was seeing was real.

The hilarity that ensures when Tamara walks in is so so funny. Never not cackle at this. Lucy's 'Oh!' and Tim is stumbling over himself to get out of there. Makes me laugh just writing it. The awkward 'Good jobs' and pointing. I'm dying. Tim's epiphany in the hallway is the best. Can no longer run from how he feels anymore. That kiss unlocking why he's felt the way he does. The awkward way they interact at the station. Both hiding in their vehicles waiting to find the courage to come out. Gah such a good finale leading to an incredible season 5.

3. 4x12 The Knock

Another episode on the road to them ending up together. They are at soulmate level territory in the scene above alone. The entire episode is fantastic. 'Personal space I don't know her' is the theme of this episode for them. From this 'date' to their case. Where Tim lets her take the lead. They're right on top of each other in that hallway scene when Tim is asking her POV on what they should do.

The beach date is one of the best parts. I don't know how both Ashley and Chris didn't just get up and leave. It's so obvious Tim and Lucy are the ones on a date. Chris and Ashley just happen to be there. The way they flirt the entire time, the inside jokes, the way they know each other so deeply. Their intimate connection on full display.

It's the lack of space I adore so much. That magnetic pull of their's. Never be over Gerald the goat. The way they lovingly stare at each other after he's told the story. The only ones laughing are them. To think either of them (Chris and Ashley) actually thought they had a chance against their bond. Such fools. I would've been highly threatened after that display. Something so intimate about knowing someone on an emotional level like they do. Height of their soulmate moments in this one.

4. 4x18-Backstabbers

Gah this episode be still my damn shipper heart. Lucy getting annoyed she isn't getting any recognition as Tim's aide. Naturally at first Tim pushes against it. Gives her crap for asking for it. Little bit of Old school Tim coming out in this scenario. But we see by the end of the episode him cracking for her. Like he always does. Tim cashing in on the dance he owed her from 3x14. How these two don't know they're in love at this point I couldn't tell you. Blows my damn mind.

The fact that he gives up recognition for her to have it. To further her career and telling her he wants her to be successful? Gah not to mention the heart eyes in this moment. Lucy is beaming brightly like a Christmas tree at this gesture. Tim is so so gone for her by this point it's oozing out of him. If you watched these two above with no context you'd think they were together. Everything about them says how in love they are. The entire scene is one giant I love you/in love with you moment. Tim I don't do weddings Bradford tearing up the dance floor with his girl. Gah I can not.

5. 4x01-Life and Death

The premiere is so very very good. Tim offering her a safe space the moment they get some time alone. Especially after hearing how heartbroken she is. How she can't go back to her apt without Jackson right now. The way he gives her a safe place to crash land into. I love it sfm. Then we get the gloriously intimate and beautiful hug above. The one that sparks the flame between them. One they've been trying to keep at a low flame roaring into an inferno. Their emotions and closeness ramping it up to a level neither is ready for.

The chemistry in this moment is out of this world good. Both being smacked in the face with the growing UST between them. Lucy going for it but it being shot down by Wesley's call. Gah such a good way to start an amazing season. Then Lucy spends the rest of the episode worrying about him from the other side of the world. Letting him know that worry until he makes it back. Such a good premiere.

Honorable Mentions

4x07 Fire Fight

This scene alone is why it's my first honorable mention. Phew lord. The fiery UST in this scene. HOT DAMN. The brazen way they're both looking at each other. This is totally platonic friendship right here....The intense gaze gets me in my shipper feels. Then Tim gets his wits about him a bit before sassing her. Telling her the mic is too high. Her ripping it right off and his face LOL They're so married it kills me. I do love the way she bosses him around in this scene and afterwards when he's in the car. She's projecting jealously entire time.

4x06 Poetic Justice

Oh you know just another episode where all they do is compete and flirt. Not caring about anyone else around them while they do so. Because they can't handle their emotions yet. So they intensely channel it into flirting and competitive things instead. I love these idiots so much.

4x08 -Hit and Run

I LOVE this episode for the Tim background alone. We get the introduction of his sister Genny. Who I love sfm. Lucy of course eats up her being there. She THRIVES on any morsel of info she can get on his background. Lucy is enjoying herself till his dark childhood is brought up. His sister is there to sell their childhood home and he doesn't want to be apart of it. ""Wha-what do you want? Some other family to just cuddle up under the broken plaster where dad slammed my head against the wall?" Ugh my heart. My boy. But it's such a good episode in full for Tim. Also for Lucy getting to meet his sister.

4x14-The Long Shot

This is a great episode for Lucy. We get to see more about her background as well. Finally finding out why her mother is the way she is with her. Her deep digging revealing her father isn't her real father. How much she struggles in this episode emotionally. We get to see how natural it is for Tim to be there for her. Not an ounce of fight left in him to stay out of her personal life. This is just part of who they are now and it's such growth I can not stand it.

4x16-Real Crime

Another gem for the documentary series. If you think they were married in this last one they double down on this one. The amount of cuteness, sass and marriage moments is primo in this one. 'Can I be interviewed alone?' LMAO The epitome of Grumpy x Sunshine. Lucy having the time of her life while Tim is a grumpsaurous. Their dynamic gives me life haha I adore this entire episode for them.

S5 I adore all it's own. If you want a ranking from 1-22 I can do that but I can not choose. Hurts me too much to do that LOL but here are my picks for 1-4. Once again thank you for being so patient on my reply. This was a hefty ask to answer thank you for asking me :) I hope you enjoy the answer.

[phantom-of-the-501st]

Crosshair's Helmet

Okay, I know a lot of people have already talked about this but I just wanna drop my own thoughts on the significance of Cross' helmet.

That helmet has always been a significant symbol for Imperial Crosshair ™️. With it on, he's the perfect soldier. With it off he's more vulnerable and open (even if it isn't always obvious).

Let's chuck out a few examples!

Helmet On

Killing civilians.

Pretty much everything he does on Ryloth.

Initially confronting the Batch on Kamino when his men are surrounding CF 99 in the training room.

Shooting the person in Solitary Clone (I have completely forgotten their name oops).

The first half of the mission with Mayday where he is opening up a little bit but is still reluctant to let his guard down.

Helmet Off

Being singed by the ion engine.

The rest of the S1 finale after he's killed his fellow imperial soldiers and is running around with the Batch (including when he stays on the platform).

Talking to Rampart in his office when Crosshair is feeling particularly bitter and cynical of what he's being asked.

Watching Cody leave.

The entire last half of the mission with Mayday including when he shoots Lieutenant dickhead.

I'm not gonna list every moment because I'm sure you get the point. The helmet is very symbolic for where Crosshair is and his relationship to the Empire.

You see it in Episode 12 in particular. Right at the beginning, Lieutenant Asshole tells Crosshair "you're not in uniform", at which point Cross puts the helmet on. He's not "in uniform" without it, he isn't a true representative of the Empire without it. That piece of armour symbolises Crosshair's entire identity as an imperial soldier.

And then he loses it and that's when the real vulnerability kicks in. It's been creeping in throughout the episode, with Cross giving away minimal details of his life to Mayday but when the avalanche hit, he lost the helmet and the fear truly set in (I'm sure you could also make some inference about the avalanche symbolising how Crosshair's entire life came crashing down on him yada yada).

From the moment that helmet comes off, every emotion is on display. Crosshair doesn't choose to hide his emotions, nor does he try to play the perfect solider. He starts to break down, he rebels against orders. Crosshair isn't playing the Empirial puppet.

And I think that this moment is going to be a tipping point for Crosshair. Not just because he shot Lieutenant Fuckface but because he lost his helmet. This isn't a case of him taking it off and momentarily showing his vulnerabilities. It's gone. He isn't getting that back.

Crosshair's life as a soldier for the Empire is gone, buried. While the Empire still have him in their hands, they can still pull the strings, but he isn't going to be their loyal lapdog anymore. At least not by choice.

I truly think we're going to see a new phase for Crosshair. One that leaves his loyalty to the Empire dead and buried.

°•°•°•°

Tagging @eriexplosion @phis-writing @saturn-sends-hugs @nimata-beroya and @snarkyfina because I'm sure they all have their own great takes on this topic! :)

[smudged-red-ink]

Okay but an Artful Dodger Season 2 would actually be so good. I'm not just saying that because I'm obsessed--there's actually so much good plot stuff here to work with.

Season 1 was pretty good, but had its flaws. Here's how Season 2 can be perfect:

Fagin and Jack's reputations are ruined so they have to run away to sea before the gaines' replacement hangs Jack. Jack can relive his navy surgeon days and re-meet up with the original captain who saw his potential. Then Fagin and the navy officer can have a father v. father square up that represents Jack's ongoing internal moral dilema of criminal verses gentleman.

Jack gets to improvise surgeries on the go, all the while missing how Belle helped him prepare.

Back home, Belle is running the hospital on her own, complete with the woman's ward she invisioned in the first season. Her first scene is identical to Jack's introduction, where she opperates on a patient in front of an enthusiastic crowd. BUT then a patient actually dies, and she has to learn that it's not about the glory, it's about caring for the person. She's exploring the theme that Jack brought up in S1 about the consequences of playing God. (i wanted more development for Belle. She came off just a touch sheltered rich girl, and this responsibility could really break her out of it.)

Also, Fanny is finally falling in love with someone legit, and Belle is watching. And remembering.

Jack and Fagin get to back to London where everyone's favorite piece of wet lettuce is waiting. Oliver's out to get them hanged, and they have to find out how to discredit him. They get the rest of Fagin's grown up gang back together to take him down. Jack gets some great bonding moments with his old buddies.

Simultaniously, Jack has to pose in high london society to get to Oliver. No one trusts him as a doctor bc he can't read, but he gradudually shows them how brilliant he is by saving important people's lives.

Okay and then somewhere along the line either the fight between Oliver and Jack is moved back to the colony or Belle comes to London (maybe to learn some more surgery or something? idk). The point is that they have a dramatic getting back together. There's a great showdown with Oliver at the end in which Jack chooses the high road for good. But also Oliver gets discredited and robbed.

These plot lines are spaced appropriately and cleaned up all pretty. And of course there's a lot of Fagin/Dodge and Belle/Dodge banter, medical emergencies, possible sword fighting, and bloodstained sleeves.

[sisterofficerlucychen]

Hi there, its me again here to vent 👋🏼

I totally agree with you, in spite of some moments, it was super funny. One thing i love about the show is that is like Brooklyn 99 but lasting 45 minutes and a lot more of police stuff. The scene where she invites everyone to the party and its seen by the bodycams? THAT IS FUNNY.

What we asked for is here, those glances of I HATE YOU but I LOVE YOU from Lucyyy omggg or Tim trying to reach her not knowing how? S1 Tim being all I dontgiveafuckmywifeisanaddictidonttalkaboutit but this time dontgiveafuckbrokemygirlsheartdonttalkaboutit? THE PINING 2.0 IS COMING PEOPLE!!!

I see everyone got stuck in London and the face she makes when she close the door and Tim going there afterhours. But what I can't see bad about it. I mean sure this shrink is quite sketchy BUUUT I see a therapist that worked all day in building trust with a potential patience and is proud that got him to open up and say that need help. AND I also see Tim completly broken... the scene where he talks with Lucy you can see him about to cry and doesnt know what to say, aknowledging he can't give her what she wants (and adult talk) while she tells him he needs more help... Is that what pushes him to go and say Dr London this is URGENT.

Also I read other post where someone states that all this drama with Blair is because she is just a young pretty female AND I COULDNT AGREE MORE. If the therapist was a man or and old lady everyone would be 'ohh yes Tim finally'

Also I will die on this hill → the writers are not idiots, they wont make something so dark like hooking them up and screwing chenford being at risk of loosing the fans and for instance loosing the show, its what feeds their families lol

I gonna trust the process, Melissa's and Eric's sneak peaks, and thats all.

Also thinking about the 'OFFICER DOWN' in the promo thats Tim voice and last week here was a bts video where you can hear OFFICER DOWN ITS CHEN so IM PREPARING MY SELF FOR LUCY HURT TIM PANICKING AND BEING THE FIRST STEP FORWARD (or to become a professional clown)

My vent Is over, see you next week haha

hello, friend! pls vent away! ♡

adlkfjsdas omg yes! it definitely gives b99 vibes when it’s leaning into it’s comedic side~~ especially the funny cold opens remind me so much of it lol. THAT WAS BRILLIANT — i think the choice of filming it through the body cams and the security cam added to the chaos and awkwardness. lucy was so real for that but i will forever cry at tim not being there because he was there with lucy when they met and he practically lived with them.

yes! 😭👀 that first scene with them in the hallway was so angsty but what made it hurt that much more (than what we saw in the promo) was how lucy had just caught smitty in the middle of a betting pool about the break up like no wonder she just bolted and shook her head. THE ANGST WAS ANGST-ING. it hurt but i kind of loved it??? because it highlighted once again their struggle to communicate and be on the same page with one another (the “you know me so well” is fake news atm 😭. YAY ♡ so excited for angst and pining 2.0 eras.

i am definitely said people with the look she gave lmao. i swear as she closed the door there was something in her eyes that just felt off? personally for me it’s just how she’s treated aaron at the bar and then ended up with a hidden recording? especially the latter like that’s the only answer i can come up with because it’s clearly important for them to have added it into the scene but to me, when she turned it off, it didn’t struck me as her covering her ass because she had a moment with her client and she needed to put a stop to it - it felt malicious~~ OMG BUT YES. sketchy or no, dr. blair wasn’t lying when she told aaron she knows what she’s doing because she read tim without hesitation and said things he really needed to hear. tim is so broken rn 💔 yeeeees! the way he tried (and epically failed) at making small talk bc he was so off base but i think that was the first time in the day he actually smiled?? that scene was the angst i was expecting for the entire episode and i’m so glad we got it at the end of the episode because it was so important. i definitely agree with you like i think that was the final push he needed to seek immediate help.

oooh~ that’s a good point, i can see that! i mean for me it’s def just the sus vibes she gave with that video recording. like maybe this is one step past delulu but to the point you just made about how it’d be so different if the therapist was a man or an older woman (agreed), it makes me wonder what the casting call for the therapist was because i feel like that could be telling of the purpose/intention of the character? 

1000000000% - that theory has me a little confused, ngl. like maybe if it were grey’s anatomy and he was owen hunt? but it’s not and that’s absolutely not who tim is even at his lowest and most vulnerable. nothing about that would absolve him from his guilt, it wouldn’t be a way for him to punish himself, and he didn’t break up with lucy because he stopped loving her. i don’t think he’s hooking up with anyone any time soon because this man has completely lost himself and doesn’t think he’s worthy of anything but even if he did, she’d probably be the last person not the first. for sure on them knowing better like they know, they might be tugging at our heat strings but they aren’t going to do something that far-fetched that would add nothing to anyone’s character growth or progress any storyline. 

same ♡ they have yet to give me a reason not to believe them and if they’ve both said this is a needed thing and good things are coming then i’m gonna take their word on that.

YES, YES, YES, YES!!!!!! it’s so interesting that they layered that voiceover in the promo with what’s happening at the hospital because of that bts video eric shared. it’s definitely lucy and celina who get hurt because of how all the bts content lines up (and the synopsis) BUT OOOOH~ THAT’S GONNA HURT SO GOOD. like it’ll be the first time where she’s hurt and he likely can’t comfort her the way she needs?? because dod, he never moved from her bedside; and then with the shooting, he was also by her side reassuring her and ready to help support her. i am curious to see if he full on panics or panics, rushes to her side, and then once he knows she’s alive/okay, retreats? (but i’ll grab the make up and join you if we don’t get hurt lucy and panicked tim lol).

thanks for sharing! appreciated hearing what you had to say! see you next week ♡

[scalamore]

[Detail] Rupert's drug use

Ch 41, 43, 94

Ch 85

Rupert's life was a living hell in S1 and S2. (Ages 13-16(?), but it started even years earlier after Eva died). He was constantly plagued by nightmares about his mother and the Emperor, his own fears that he would be condemned to hell, that he would die before he became Emperor, and various other things. He was plagued by insomnia, and when he was able to sleep, he would wake up from nightmares. (Ch 26) During the day he was forced to lay the groundwork for Fassbender's group, create alchemic tools that drained his energy, pretend to be a powerless princess, keep up with his studies. Not to mention, the Emperor and Arnulf kept on beating him up to the point where he was numb to pain. Every day for him was suffering. So he used Ropium, the strongest pain killer and sleep aid to help him sleep at night, and during the day he smoked fea, to calm down his nerves and fatigue. Before becoming crown prince, he was actually a nervous wreck. That's also why he was so hot headed, irritable, and angry all the time - he could die any moment, he's weak, he's uncertain of the future and life just sucks right now. Not to mention, he's a teenager and he can tell he's going through puberty - he's literally starving himself and eating only one meal a day to try to delay his growth. It's portrayed in the manhwa with him wearing collared dresses, a choker, and his forever undereye bags. Regarding the ropium - Rupert is the one who specially imports it to the palace, and compounds his own for his use. He's tolerant to it, so he uses quite a bit. That's why he's especially shocked when ropium was used to poison Lari - because Tory had stolen it from his office and made Lari drink it. Because it's so strong, of course Lari would immediately overdose and fall into a coma. Since it's so rare and he's the only one who uses it, there's no antidote. Regarding him smoking fea - he does it all the time to calm the nerves, even as crown prince. He was surprised to hear that Lari doesn't like it when people smoke - why the heck did she never scold him about it?? He's smoked dozens of times in front of her, but she never said anything?? The interesting thing is that after the poisoning incident and after Rupert is cranky and mentions that Lari never scolded him for smoking, he actually stops doing both. There's no more mention of him using either drug once they return from Belois that summer. It implies that by this time, it's almost guaranteed Rupert would become Emperor, Eva had finally broken down completely and was buried, The Emperor no longer bothered Rupert, and he and Lari got along well - all these factors made life much more bearable for him. A significant weight was lifted off his shoulders. After their return from Belois, Lari mentions that Rupert gives her quite a bit more attention compared to before. We see him trying to spend as much of his break times with her as possible, to the point where Lari feels a bit awkward and tries to hide sometimes ^^. She also mentions that they're together so often now, and he's always so smiley - why does he always frown in public when he has such a nice smile? He no longer needs to use drugs to relax and sleep - because Lari's presence is his happiness. He just naturally gravitates towards her now. ^^

[jelazakazone]

Liminal spaces in Heartstopper Ep 8

The last essay of S1! Thanks so much to @barrows-teeth​ for all the amazing gifs!! And of course to @herewetumble​ for the great beta’ing. and to E, who helped with this one and the previous one. You can find the master post here.

At the beginning of the season, many of the transformative moments happened indoors. But as the characters grew, we started to see a shift to more outdoor settings, especially in episodes 6, 7, and 8. So, let’s dive in and see what happens in episode 8! 

Ep 8 does start indoors, in Charlie’s room with Charlie sat at his drum kit. He’s looking at messages with Tao. The last one Tao sent was right before the fight with Harry and Charlie had sent one asking if Tao was ok. The lighting is dark, the music is slow. The mood is gloomy. Charlie puts the phone down and starts banging away on the drums. Tori comes in to tell him he’s being too loud. Then she checks on him: “Did you finally decide to have a rebellious phase? Did something happen?” Charlie starts with mentioning the fights Harry had with Nick and Tao and ends with “Maybe I do just ruin people’s lives, and it’d be better if I didn’t exist.” Thank god for Tori because she says, “Well, you’re not ruining mine.” She suggests making them pizza. He says he’s not very hungry, he might just eat later, and then grabs onto her arm, as though it’s a life preserver and he’s drowning. 

In his room, with his sister, Charlie is able to be rescued from the depths. Her outside perspective assures Charlie that he is loved. 

Next we see Tao, Charlie, and Isaac in class. Charlie is trying to talk to Tao. Isaac informs Charlie that Tao isn’t talking to Charlie. Charlie looks hopefully at Tao and suggests they could all do javelin throw, like last year. Tao says “You’re on the rugby team.” Isaac reminds Charlie that the rugby team always do the Sports Day rugby match, so they can’t do the same thing. It’s a clear reminder that they can’t just go back to the way things have been. Things have changed, for all of them. 

Charlie is walking through the corridor, a big blue wave to his side/back, and he runs into Nick who asks if he wants to get lunch together. Charlie says, “I can’t. I’m sorry.” and leaves. Nick looks crestfallen. This scene is less than 30 seconds long and yet it packs a serious punch. Charlie is still feeling like he’s ruining Nick’s life and that blue wave behind him is a metaphor for all the feelings that are threatening to drown Charlie. Nick was so happy to see Charlie and that simple “no” has left him heartbroken. 

Charlie walks through the blue door in Ms Singh’s small office, a room painted green, and tells her he’s going to quit the rugby team — “It’s not for” him. She asks if any of the boys have been giving him a hard time. “No, it’s just me.” I think the colors in the room, which are also the MLM pride flag colors, are reflective of her acceptance of his homosexuality. I also think it’s significant he quit the team in her tiny little office; it emphasizes that it really is just about Charlie and not the bullying. After, he has to pass through the gym, which had formerly been a relatively safe space. It is now associated with the pain of ruining Nick’s life and his attempt to break up with Nick. 

And now we’re outside. Nick sits down with Tao, who immediately asks where Charlie is. There is a back and forth about this and why Charlie is avoiding both of them—except Tao is avoiding Charlie because Tao’s “pissed off with” Charlie. Tao had seen the bullying and its effects on Charlie the previous year and he was worried about Charlie joining the rugby team for this reason. He tried to protect Charlie, and Charlie didn’t listen. Tao finishes with “I deserve to be appreciated.” And then it comes out that Tao is hurt Charlie didn’t tell him about Nick. Tao is very comfortable outdoors at his picnic bench. He is literally clearing the air between himself and Nick. 

Nick takes a stab at why Charlie hasn’t told him — Charlie cares about Tao a lot. Tao doesn’t really seem to accept this, but he does soften and ask why Charlie is avoiding Nick. Nick thinks it might be because Charlie’s having a hard time keeping their relationship secret. Tao says, “Charlie’s always had a tendency to believe that him just existing is annoying for other people.” Nick agrees, “Yeah. I sort of got that impression.” 

Tao tells Nick that Charlie isn’t going to force Nick to come out, but that also, Charlie would “like for Nick to be something more than the secret guy he kisses on the down-low sometimes and if Nick can’t give him that, it’s fine, but it will always make him feel a little bit crap about himself.” Now Nick is really understanding why it’s hard for Charlie. And Tao encourages Nick to talk to Charlie. Nick says Tao should do the same, but Tao resists, saying he’s going to stay pissed off with him a while longer. This important bonding experience happens outside and in Tao’s territory. 

 Nick is in bed, texting Charlie. He’s trying to talk. Charlie types in “I’m sorry” and then deletes it, tears in his eyes and never responds. The bedroom seems to be a cave Charlie has closed himself off in. 

The very next scene is outdoors. It’s a bright, sunny day. Colorful streamers have been hung for Sports Day! Darcy, Elle, and Tara are walking towards Truham having a friendly conversation. Darcy, trying to be supportive, suggests they could all fake an injury to get out of going. Elle steels herself and says, “No, I want to do this,” and leads the way. The other two catch up and each take one of her hands. Elle has found her people and can be fully herself, outside as the sun shines down on them. 

Inside the gym, Charlie puts a red bib on, sees Nick, and flees. The gym’s safety suddenly becomes terrifying for Charlie. He thinks he has hurt Nick and can’t bear to have that validated. Nick, on the other hand, is heartbroken again that Charlie is running away from him. 

Tao finds Elle outside and gives her a big hug, saying “It’s literally like old times.” (One has to wonder how he can say that given that Elle isn’t wearing Truham colors, for starters.) She says, “Ugh, don’t say that, I thought I’d never have to come back to this hell hole.” Tao suggests they could go hide. He doesn’t want to be there, he hasn’t signed up for an event, and if Ms. Singh catches him, she’s going to make him actually participate. Isaac comes up and says hi and asks where Charlie is. They guess with the rugby team, even though the event isn’t until later in the afternoon. 

Meanwhile, it turns out Charlie is trying to hide in the art room. Mr Ajayi tells Charlie that he’s a nice teacher and won’t force him to go to Sports Day, but he also ends with “Don’t let anyone make you disappear.” The art room is a nurturing space where growth happens. 

Ms Singh appears and signs Tao up for the 200m race. He protests that he can’t run (Elle backs this up), but he’s stuck. Charlie comes up and says, “Swap bibs with me. … I’ll run it for you.  I’m just sorry. Sorry for everything.” As he walks away, Tao and Elle follow. Finally, the air is being cleared between Charlie and Tao — outside. 

Charlie goes to get in place for the race and passes Ben who says, “What, are you obsessed with me or something?” Charlie doesn’t dignify this with an answer. They run. Charlie wins and goes up to Ben who is lying on the ground to say, “You don’t get to have an opinion about anything I do … you don’t get to make me feel like crap any more just because you hate yourself. So leave me alone. Just leave me alone.” Looks like those words of affirmation from Tori and Mr Ajayi have taken effect with some sunshine and the power of winning the race.

Charlie and Tao have a moment where they are apologizing to each other again and end with a big hug and a promise to do a film night. Again, I think this had to happen outside. Something something about the fresh air and sunshine. 

Tao asks if Charlie wants to join him and Elle in exploring all her old classrooms. Charlie declines, saying he’ll be fine. At that moment, little animated seagulls appear, which we first saw at the end of episode one, when Nick was in the car on his way home. The sun and fresh air are powerful forces indeed.

Tao and Elle run through the corridors, banging open doors that had imprisoned Elle and blowing off steam. They end up in the ever nurturing art room while the rest of the students are outdoors doing sports. Tara does the high jump well and kisses Darcy after (which, by the way, is my favorite T/D kiss and their fist kiss outside!). Isaac throws the javelin while Charlie holds Isaac’s book and cheers him on. 

Tao and Elle lie back on one of the art tables, just generally being cute and flirty. Elle says she has something to tell him, but changes her mind and says he has the wrong color face paint. Meanwhile, animated butterflies are floating around them. They need the comfort of four walls around them and a roof to explore their feelings for each other. They aren’t ready to be outside, exposed, quite yet. 

The rugby boys come out onto the field. Charlie is behind a fence (remember in ep 1 when Nick was watching Charlie run from behind the fence?). The physical barrier is a metaphor for the barrier Charlie is trying to hold up to protect Nick. Nick looks around (surveying the field? looking for Charlie?). He starts the game, kicking the ball into play and seems completely focused. As he scores, Charlie has climbed onto the stands and is smiling to see Nick doing well. 

Nick finally spots Charlie in the stands. As animated flowers flutter around Nick, he chucks the ball to Ms Singh and strides purposefully off the pitch to Charlie. Nick takes Charlie’s hand and leads him into the school as Imogen and Charlie’s friends watch them. 

Inside, just the two of them, Nick tells Charlie he doesn’t want to break up and that his life is way better because Charlie is in it and he says he will keep saying it until Charlie believes him. Charlie says, “Nick, I believe you.”  The corridor is brightly lit and actually is a private bubble for them. Charlie has been able to let go of his insecurities (for now) having made up with Tao and kicked Ben to the curb and with encouragement from his sister. This moment in the corridor feels like a happy rewrite to the scene with Nick and Charlie in the corridor at the end of ep 1. 

We next see them at the train station with a rainbow overhead. They travel on the train and end up at the beach (which, again, harkens back to the seagulls we saw at the end of ep 1). They ride the carousel, get their pictures taken, eat chips, walk on the boardwalk, and kiss. They are outside and totally comfortable together. 

Lying on the sand, Nick says, “I’ve been thinking, what if I came out?” Charlie asks, “Do you really want to?” Nick replies, “I really want to. I know I’ve been pretty unsure of everything for a while, but like, I’m definitely bisexual and I don’t want to have to go around pretending we’re platonic bffs. I’m not saying I want to have a public announcement or anything, but I want to be able to tell the people who matter, and I want you to be able to tell people too. Oh my god, I like you so much. And I love liking you.” He then runs into the ocean shouting “I like Charlie Spring in a romantic way, not just a friend way.” So much for not making a public announcement. Lol. 

I think this monologue of Nick’s is so so so important and the fact that it happens outside just underscores how much more comfortable he’s gotten with his sexuality and with people finding out about him and Charlie. At first, I did not like Nick yelling his feelings to the sea. I found it very cringey. But I’ve come to understand that Nick’s feelings and confidence have both grown so much, he’s literally shouting his feelings into the universe. 

Charlie joins him at the edge of the waves and Nick senses that Charlie wants to say something. 

“What?” 

“I never thought this would happen to me.”

Nick embraces him and says, “me neither.” 

Charlie never thought he could find happiness; Nick probably thought he would never be in a relationship with a guy. 

We turn to Nick walking into his kitchen in a bright orange shirt, smiling. His mum asks if he had a good day. He says, “Yeah, it was really good.” He makes a cup of tea and you can see him stiffen his resolve. He’s made the decision to tell his mum about Charlie. 

He sits down, a bit nervous, and says, “Mum”. She fiddles with her iPad and doesn’t pay close attention to her son. “You know how Charlie’s like my best friend?” She immediately says if he’s asking if Charlie can go on their Menorca holiday, the answer is no. Nick replies, “No, that’s not what I was going to say.” Sarah looks at him and can tell he has something important to say. With her full attention on him, Nick says, “He’s my boyfriend. Charlie’s my boyfriend. I still like girls, but I like boys too. And me and Charlie, we’re going out and I just wanted you to know.” 

Sarah has the best response ever, starting with “Oh baby, thank you for telling me.” They chat a little more and Sarah ends with, “I love you.” Although Nick could have come out to her in the car at some point, I think it has to be his kitchen where it happens. This is their cozy space. The painting of the flowers behind Nick’s head reinforce Nick’s own blossoming, as do the brightness and the yellow walls and the proximity to his mother. The kitchen seems to be the space where Nick feels most comfortable opening up to his mum (as we saw when Imogen’s dog died). 

And finally, we end on the beach, with Nick and Charlie snuggled up in each other’s arms, on their blue and yellow blankets with “I Belong in Your Arms” playing. The boys had to travel through many corridors and rooms to get to this point, where they could lie in each other’s arms openly—and they made it! 

[mediocre--writing]

au where steves dad is the abusive one?

ok i saw this whole thing a while back about how nancy slapped steve in s1 and he didn’t flinch or cower away and people said it could be a result of getting used to not flinching...

so steve’s dad is an all powerful, mighty businessman who needs the perfect wife and kid, meaning it has to be that way at home, as well.

steve is kinda used to it. like a little slap here and there are no big deal and he’s a little brat most of the time, so he kinda deserves it.

and, let’s just say, maybe billy moved to hawkins with his mom and her new husband (max’s dad) but he’s still pretty upset with the move. not as destructive, but still mad he’s been pulled from his home.

he befriends steve pretty quickly, they’ve got very similar personalities deep down and they recognize it pretty quickly.

billy’s a clingy friend. he’s the type of person to find one friend and latch on for life.

that’s why it’s so peculiar to him that he’s been friends with steve for almost a year now but has yet to go to his house.

steve’s always busy or his parents are having a brunch party or something. and billy gets it, sometimes you just don’t wanna be at your house and need a getaway, but this is bordering on ridiculous.

ridiculous as in steve has a drawer and a half of his stuff in billy’s vanity, plus a few jackets hanging on the hooks by the door. it’s weird.

and so, one random sunday that billy knew steve had nothing to fill his time on, he goes to his house as a surprise.

he had blissfully ignored the little signs between steve, himself, and his mom. the ones that flinch at loud noises and don’t particularly like bigger men. he figured it was whatever. he’d continue to barge into steve’s life if it was the last thing he’d do.

he rang the doorbell, waited for an answer.

“...nd when i get back there you better get rid of that bullshit you call a sense of humor or i’m gonna give you a real reason to cry!”

billy’s eyes widened at what he’d heard, but quickly composed himself as a man, he assumed john, steve’s father, answered the door.

“hi, how can i help you?” he was buttoning his shirt cuffs and looking annoyed as ever while staring down billy. as if he had better things to be doing.

“i’m here for steve,” billy have a small smile that felt more like a snarl.

“he’s busy right now—“

“but we’ve got a project. it’s due monday and we’re only halfway through,” billy chuckled as if he were telling an amusing anecdote. “you see, i’ve been blowing off our study meetings and he’s been telling me, you know, i’ve gotta do my share of the project, but i’ve been goofing off. you get that? right?

“so, anyway, my moms all on me about my grades and i need this project to boost it up, but i can’t do it without steve,”

john is still staring at billy with a nonamused look on his face.

“what class?”

“english. we’re supposed to compare and contrast whether elizabeth should have gotten with darcy or not. i’m pretty against it, you know. he was so mean to her and his only excuse was that he’s shy? sounds like a load of crap, ya know? but steve’s all for this mushy crap. he swears they should be together forever,” billy chuckles and keeps talking. “you know—“

“kid, if you shut up right now i’ll make sure steve’s down in a second, alright?” john finally cuts him off, looking about ready to rip his own hair out (or what’s left on the sides).

smiling, billy thanks him and walks to stand by his car, waiting for steve.

“go,” john says as he storms into steve’s room.

steve’s eyebrows furrow. his dads gotten mad before, sure, but never just kicked him out like this.

“your little friend... the one with the curly hair... he’s waiting outside for you to complete your english project,” john tweaks an eyebrow as he leans on steve’s doorframe.

steve’s eyes widen then he nods, collecting school stuff, just to make whatever lie billy spewed out believable. he pulls on a shirt and grabs a coat as he makes his way downstairs.

“when you get home,” john starts as he stands near the door, waiting for steve to come down, “we’re finishing our discussion, do you understand?”

“yes, sir,” steve nods as he smiles to his mother, swinging his backpack over his shoulder, which is the wrong move because it smacks and rubs at where the belt had hit earlier.

“go on, don’t keep him waiting,” john opens the door and steve practically sprints out the door.

billy gives a half smile as he gets in the car, steve walking around to the passenger seat and getting in, throwing his book bag in the backseat.

billy backs out of the (ridiculously long) driveway and starts driving out of the neighborhood.

“we don’t... actually have a project i forgot about by some chance, right?” steve asks meekly.

“i’m not even taking english this semester, steve,” billy says as a joke, but it comes out softer and almost sounds like he’s scared to say the wrong thing.

“why did you stop by?” steve asks as the boys pull up near the entrance to the trails that lead through the woods towards the quarry.

billy only shrugs as he turns the car off and gets out, walking down a trail, steve quickly following behind.

“you didn’t answer,”

“i—i don’t know?” billy admitted, shoving his hands into the tight pockets of his jeans. “i guess, i’ve never really seen your house and i was curious,”

steve nods as they continue walking in silence, only the crunching of leaves under their feet.

steve keeps glancing over to billy, wonders if billy can tell what happened by the way steve’s walking or talking.

billy keeps glancing over to steve, wonders what’s going through his head and how badly he wants to cry or scream.

eventually, after about 15 minutes of walking in silence, they reach the peak of the quarry, and billy sits down and hangs his feet off the edge.

he pats the spot to his left when steve stays standing behind him.

steve sits down reluctantly, careful not to scoot too close to the edge.

“my dad is a piece of shit, too,” billy says quietly as he looks over to steve, trying to gauge his reaction.

steve’s big eyes grow even wider before his head snaps over to billy, mouth opening and closing multiple times.

“it’s why my mom and i moved here. she divorced him when i was like, uhh—i don’t know—maybe eight or nine? but he kept bothering us. would show up at night and bang on the door, threaten my me and my mom, all that kinda stuff. it got worse when my mom started dating trevor, he kidnapped me once, when i was 10,

“got me out of school and just took me to his house and wouldn’t let me leave or make phone calls. trevor, he was a police officer in cali, and he was the one who helped my mom find me,” billy smiled as if it was a nice little story. “i don’t know what i would have been like if i’d have gotten stuck with my dad. he was mean and vile and hit my mom and i all the time until we just left, it’s the only thing that stopped it,”

“billy—“

“it’s not a pity story, steve. i’m trying to let you know that bad situations only get worse when you try to solve them on your own. and i know your parents probably won’t divorce or anything, so let me help you because i don’t want something to go too far one day that could have been avoidable if you just had someone,”

“i don’t—“

“don’t what?” billy asked, but it sounded more like a threat.

steve’s eyebrows pulled together and he sucked his lips between his teeth, face screwing up in a way that looked almost painful. “i don’t—i don’t know what i did—“

steve let out a gaspy sob that looked like it hurt coming out of his chest, tears that had been pooling for months finally breaking through the barrier, cascading down his face and, if this wasn’t such a heartbreaking moment, almost made his big brown eyes look prettier.

billy, scooting himself off the edge, pulled steve backwards so he could fall into billy’s chest and let it all out.

“you didn’t do anything, stevie,” billy brought a gentle hand up and down steve’s back and arm, “none of this is your fault, i promise. nothing you have done or will do is ever going to make his actions justified, ok?”

steve nodded his head slowly as he continued to cry, but it was less sobbing and more overflowing emotions at this point.

“do you wanna stay at mine tonight?”

“...please,”

“of course,” billy was tempted to kiss steve on the crown of his head, so he did. “you are welcome whenever you need to come over,”

“i’m scared to go back,” steve whispered, heard only slightly over the high winds.

“you don’t have to go back,” billy whispered in return.

“yeah, i do,” steve whispered again, “he’s already mad you interrupted—“

“interrupted what?” billy asked, wondering why steve left off his sentence.

“noth—“

“interrupted what?”

“was hittin’ me with ‘is belt,” steve said into billy’s chest, quiet as he could.

“stevie,” billy cooed, and, somehow, steve didn’t feel like he was being talked down to. it may have been the way it was said or who said it, but it made him feel safe.

they kept sitting their for another hour, at least, and just enjoyed the noise of nature. not loud men, not threatening home lives, just birds singing and wind blowing and the water lapping below the edge.

[kilyra]

Found the Trouble

A/N: Well no one asked for this either, but I really enjoyed “Looking for Trouble” so I made a follow up! I think there might be one more to this arc - I’m loving Johnny! I’d say this fic takes place maybe mid S1, when he’s still subletting to a yoga class but is starting to get more students.

After weeks of training with Johnny, you find you’re getting a little closer to him than maybe you should...

Warnings: Racy bits and Bad language but no spoilers. Also a warning is I don’t write past racy bits (which I’m not even sure are that good, I’m so rusty!) so you might want to have a proper smushalicious fic lined up to read after this LOL

If you want to be on my tag lists, (all or just a character) just let me know!

“So, you deal with that bitch in Accounting yet?”

As Johnny stood on the mat across from you, wearing his black gi with his knees softly bent, he was clearly ready to make a move. Which made his random question even more confusing.

“W-what?”

Your skin prickled with anticipation as his eyes flickered over you, but his serious expression didn't betray his plan. "You know...what's-her-name. The one that threw you under the bus last week."

It was a conversation you had as he drove you home from a late practice. One of the many times he drove you home, actually, since most of the practices ran late. Or if practice wrapped up, you were often so caught up in conversation that you stayed late anyhow. And, although you had politely protested at first, it became routine for Johnny to drive you...and often spend a few more minutes in the parking lot of your apartment building as you finished your chat. Time seemed to speed by too fast when you were together. 

The fact you were fully crushing on him like you were a teen again didn’t help.

Wondering what this new tactic was, you hesitantly answered. “Uh...yeah, no, I know who you're talking about. I just...there's nothing to deal w-”

Rushing forward, he roughly grabbed your arm to yank you off balance. Stepping to the side, you dug your fingers into his wrist, forcing his hand open enough to catch him in a wrist-lock. Following through the motion, he was forced to bend and turn away as you raised his arm behind him.  

Letting go, you kicked hard against his backside, sending him stumbling forward. Dropping his arm to catch himself, he stopped short of falling to the floor. Shooting a look at you over his shoulder, a quick lift of the corner of his mouth was all the approval he'd offer.

"You were pretty pissed after all that bullshit she pulled last week. You're seriously not going to do anything about it?" He continued without missing a beat.

Slowly rising to his feet, he tucked his chin and kept a steady gaze on you. Your eyelids fluttered in quick blinks to stop yourself from getting trapped in his stare.

“Yeah, it turns out she's an asshole, but it's not like I can get her fired over it, so what's the point? It's just more drama. My manager knows the truth at least.”

Stalking you like a predator hunts its prey, his lip curled in a sneer as he shook his head. Tension raced down your arms as you braced yourself, ready to try and block a hit...or listen to an arrogant lecture.

Instead, he swiftly closed the gap and grabbed a solid handful of hair. Clapping your hands over his, you pressed his fist to your scalp and snapped forward at the waist in a quick and low bow. Driven to his knees, Johnny was on the mat with his arm low to stop his wrist from being hurt.  

As both of you let go, you stood up and took a moment to fix your hair without stepping back.

Still kneeling, Johnny's eyebrows drew together in disapproval as he looked up at you and spread his hands apart. The gesture caused his gi to open, exposing his bare...and deliciously toned...chest in the process. “What the hell? Is that all you're gonna do?”

"What? My team knows the truth and they're on my side...that has to be enough."

Rolling his eyes, he rocked back to his feet and stood up while pointing to the mat where he had fallen. “No, not that...that. Hair grabbing isn't part of karate, but if you were one of my students, I'd have had you on your ass for that.”

Heat flushed your chest as he barked at you. That move was perfect and you both damn well knew it.

“For what? I nailed that!”

Not even a hint of amusement seeped into his face as he moved forward. Sidestepping, he started to circle, but you stood your ground and watched his movements in the mirrored wall across from you. Straightening your shoulders, you practically challenged him to argue.  

Which, of course, he did. "And where's your follow-through? If someone grabs your hair like that, it's not just some asshole harassing you – you're in a fight. It's not enough for him to let go, you need to put him down, or he's just coming right back only now he's really pissed.”

Your eyes were glued to the mirror as he stood between you and the dojo wall, staring at the back of your head and silently daring you to argue. Gritting your teeth, you tried to stay quiet but...

“I don-”

Shouting sharply, Johnny sprang forward and threw his arm around your throat. Panic burst through you as you tried to grab his elbow, but he smoothly closed the headlock, flexing his muscles to apply extra pressure. Gasping, you struggled to pry him off you as he pulled you flush against his chest.  

“Come on, Y/n. We've done this one before. You know what to do here.” There was a steadiness to his tone, unaffected by your desperation.

Focusing on his words, you thought back to the few other times he showed you how to break the hold. Each motion was hesitant as you fought the blur of your scrambling brain, but shifting your weight, you leaned enough to drive your elbow into his stomach. As he let go, you grabbed his wrist and stepped back to put his arm in a hold behind him.

Breathing heavily, you held his wrist as adrenaline still washed over you. Even your hands were shaking as you tried to control yourself. Did that bastard really put you in a headlock with no warning?

"Nice work. Now from here, you ca-"

Sidestepping, you let go, but raised your arm, bracing along his collarbone as you threw your weight forward. Letting you push him, he moved with it as you pinned him against the wall. You intended to push him away, to yell at him for being a jerk.

But instead, you found yourself staring into his bright blue eyes as he smirked. 

The rush shifted as you breathed in the scent of stale sweat and spicy cologne while you felt the quickening rise and fall of his chest under your arm. Keeping his hands relaxed at his sides, he didn't resist, seemingly uninterested in pushing you off. His eyes only just darted to your lips, but it was enough to start a new flame in your core.

“Not bad. But the point of self-defence is to create space between you and...your attacker.” The strain in his voice was almost too slight to catch.

“Maybe I don't want to create space...” Your reply came out in a low, breathy exhale.

His eyes skimmed over your face as the smirk slowly dropped. Suddenly, you became acutely aware of the fact you were pressed against him, and while he didn't try to move you, he wasn't exactly reciprocating.

Immediately, your ears grew hot as you realized you might have misread everything. The easy chats, the lingering looks, the fact he was bothered by the idea of you taking the bus after dark...it didn't mean he was up at night, fantasizing about you when he should be sleeping, like you were. It could just mean you were friends...

Doubt struck hard. Shaking your head sharply, you eased off the pressure and pulled your arm away. "Sorry...”

Before you could step back, his hand jerked up, roughly grabbing your waist and keeping you in place. Your breath hitched in your throat as your lips parted. But no words came out.

Johnny paused long enough to search your face for a sign to stop. But as your gaze dropped to his mouth, he swiftly moved in. His lips came crashing onto yours as he pulled you closer, his hand dropping to your hip. There was no gentleness or even a fight for dominance as he deepened the kiss. His tongue pushed past your lips and invaded your mouth. But you welcomed it. You were greedy for it. Grabbing the fabric of his gi to steady yourself, the skin of his bare chest was warm and inviting under your fingertips.  

You wanted more.

Your free hand snaked up to the back of his neck, gently grabbing his hair. Soon, his hand also ran up your side until it settled to the back of your head, keeping you in place. As his tongue explored you, a very real need grew. If you didn't pull away to clear your head, you weren't going to stop until you were both in his office, naked and exhausted.

Rolling your hips against him, you knew you didn't care. No. You did care...you wanted it. You wanted him.

Lowering his hand from your hip to your leg, he guided it around his waist. Protecting your head, he spun you around, pinning you against the wall and lifting your feet off the floor in one smooth motion. Bracing yourself on his shoulder, you wrapped your legs around him, hooking your feet together and pulling him close as he ran his hand up your thigh to hold you with a bruising grip.

Pressing his hips forward, giving you all the friction you ached for, he captured your moan in his unending kiss. It wasn't until you started to grind against him, hugging your legs tight and feeling how hard he'd grown, that he finally let you catch your breath as he kissed his way down your neck. Letting your head relax to the side, your soft whimpers filled the room, egging him on. As his hand roamed up the back of your shirt, you knew you needed to get somewhere more private. Immediately.

Your fingernails scratched at his scalp as you tried to form words between your panting breaths.

But before you could manage it, the bell above the dojo entrance jingled as the door opened. You both froze.

To your horror, a young man's voice called out. “Sensei?”

Kicking your feet free, you hid your face in Johnny's chest and the lust-filled haze was replaced with embarrassment. Loosening his hold, Johnny let you slide until your feet hit the floor, but otherwise stood still. His flaring nose and clenching jaw was his only response to the teen wandering into the room.

“Sensei Lawr- Oh! Oh...um...I'm sor-” The teen sputtered as soon as he came far enough in to spot you.

"What is it, Miguel?" Johnny's voice was commanding, but he refused to turn around.

“Uh...never mind, it's...” Miguel's awkward fumbling grew worse as he started to back out.

Your heart hammered in your chest as you finally pushed Johnny back a step. Had you truly believed you could just casually fuck your instructor and it would be no big deal?

With your cheeks on fire, you slunk out from behind Johnny and hurried over to your bag. Grabbing your stuff, you waved Miguel back into the room. "No, no, it's okay. I have to get going anyhow."

"Wait? What? No, come on, don't be like that. I can still give you a ride home."

Not affording a look back, you didn't even glance at Miguel as you brushed past him. You needed air.

"No, it's fine. I'll be fine." Not only did you cross a line, but you found the trouble you had been looking for.  

“Would you just-”

The cool, sobering evening air greeted you as you rushed out, letting the door cut off Johnny's words.  Glancing up the street, you stopped the bus turning the corner.

You couldn't outrun your embarrassment, but at least you could make a quick getaway.

Taglist:  @foreverfaeries​  @flower-two-writings​  @getlostinyourparadise​   @selfishkiddo​  @angelicshinigami  @parkersbabey  @whyhaveyouwritten-mehere​   @livingmybestfictionallife​  @sorryyoureoutofmyleague​

[irishseeeker]

Since you’re answering asks about the show—how do you think they’re going to handle Bridgerton house in season 2 and going forward? When Anthony and Kate move in and the rest of them move to number 5, most of the Bridgerton kids still live with Violet (idk where Colin and Benedict live in the show…?) And since Bridgerton house was one of the main sets in season one, it would be jarring to suddenly have the main characters of future seasons be living in a house other than Bridgerton house.

So…do Anthony and Kate move in with the rest of the family? Do they allow Violet to stay there until the kids grow up? (side note the scenes between Violet and Kate about passing down the title of viscountess is gonna make me so emo) Will they decide to break my heart and have kathony live off screen at Aubrey hall during all future seasons so it’s not a problem? Am I thinking about this way too much? 🤣

Hi Anon! Hope you’re having a good day! That's such a good question and something I've thought a lot about.

Bridgerton House is definitely the most important set and the main place where they all have dinner and congregate and later this will be No.5 from S3. I think they’re going to increase the amount of scenes all the Bridgertons have together as those scenes are so popular from S1 and the show is about the Bridgertons after all! Plus Ben and Colin will be focused on big time this season to build up for their seasons.  Bridgerton is such an expensive show they’ll want to use the same sets as much as possible and they’re already expanding a lot for S2 with Aubrey Hall, the Sharmas and probably a few more sets. A lot of Anthony’s scenes take place in his father’s office in the books and S1 and they definitely will in S2, so Bridgerton House is very important. I reckon we’ll see Kate, Edwina and Mary in Bridgerton House for tea or dinner with all the Bridgertons at some point as well pre and post engagement. Bridgerton House is where we’ll  mainly see all the unmarried Bridgertons together, especially Hyacinth, Greg, Eloise and Francesca as that’s where we saw them most in S1 (excluding parties and balls) and there’s not a whole lot going on for them unless the smaller ones get more of a plot but I doubt that. We’ll definitely see more of Eloise everywhere like we did in S1 anyway as her plot will be her debut to society! 

I’m kind of curious if they’ll show any of Eloise’s suitors and possibly one she actually likes? As she does get a few proposals over the years in her book but she has 0 interest in any of them. I reckon we’ll see her just being the worst, funniest debutant in the history of London haha.

I think they’ll definitely do the move to No.5 but not properly until S3. It definitely will be jarring but I’m thinking they’ll make it a plot line for sure to show the transition and sort of the emotional impact of it, leaving behind Edmund and their family home. I could see Kate and Anthony moving into Bridgerton House in the last episode in the final scene of S2 like a year later with Kate recovered from her leg injury and pregnant, to set the scene for S3 as most of that will take place in No.5 with Sophie and the Bridgertons. No.5 is important for S3. I also think we'll see Violet and the Bridgertons having a moment together before they leave their childhood home either at the end of S2 or at the beginning of S3, as that's going to be emotional for them, particularly Violet as she’s leaving the place she lived with Edmund behind.  

 TVWLM ends in 1814 and AOFAG begins in 1815, which is when Edmund II is born. I’m thinking Kate and Anthony's role in the first 2 episodes could be Kate's struggles to adapting to motherhood or as Viscountess now they're living in Bridgerton House or something like that. Anthony struggles too possibly? Moving in with the family is actually a really good idea as that would definitely result in some humour as they all could get very sick of each other? Or it would just make it easier for the writers and the show to have everyone together. They could move in with the Bridgertons first and then they could leave just before the time skip in AOFAG. I really don’t see them all living together as that’s not how the books do it but who knows! I just really hope Anthony and Kate have a good sub-plot in S3. I'm thinking the first episode of S3 will be mainly about Sophie's childhood and life (or they could do it in flashbacks but for Sophie it would make more sense to just tell her story at once to understand why she runs away) and it will end with the ball scene, so Edmund’s birth fits in perfectly around then before the 2 year time skip. The ball scene could even be episode 2! 

This also will be the year Francesca enters society and marries John so John courting Franny & their engagement will definitely be a sub-plot in S3, maybe only for an episode or two or we might only get an introduction and then we see them married. This will happen before the time skip which I can’t see them avoiding as it just throws the entire time line off. Anthony will be relatively involved in that plot as well and so will Violet. 

Daphne's role in S2 intrigues me as she won't have Simon so to see where she fits in and if she has a plot herself will indicate what's in store for Anthony, Ben etc when they're married after their seasons and if their spouses stay on. Although, they will have a bigger role than Daphne regardless as the brothers always have scenes together and are relatively involved in their brother’s love lives. I can see Phoebe leaving after S2 but I would like if they focused on motherhood for Daphne in S2 and possibly helping Anthony out with courting and his love life if she does end up going. It would be sad but hopefully she stays! She might not really be in S2 we won’t know for ages anyway! 

The show is so expensive that I think they’ll minimize the amount of sets they have to set up or locations they shoot on and for S2, I’d be surprised if Ben and Colin aren’t nearly always in Bridgerton House. Benedict and Colin seem to be living in Bridgerton House in the show from what we've seen so far, they're always at the house and they return from balls to Bridgerton House. Anthony is the only one who doesn't live there but we never see his bachelor lodgings and I don't think we will until their wedding night, unless we seem some scenes of him brooding on his own and pining over Kate haha. I can see Anthony gifting Benedict My Cottage at some point in S2 to set him up for season 3 and to help him escape London, but in his book Ben has his own bachelor lodgings which I don’t think we’ll see until S3. I don't think we'll see Colin's bachelor lodgings until S4 as that's when he gets a place in RMB after returning from his travels. I think they'll want to keep Colin in the show as much as possible so any time skips that's when he'll be traveling like when they ended S1 with him going off to travel and then flash forward to a year and Daphne and Simon have their baby. So when he’s in London, he’ll always be at Bridgerton House or No.5.

Going by the first season, I presume there's going to be 8 episodes in season 2. I think Kate and Anthony will be married by episode 5 like Simon and Daphne were. That leaves 3 episodes of Anthony's 'I won't love my wife idiot' stage. I would love for us to get a full episode of their honeymoon in Aubrey Hall but I don't think we will considering the book didn't have it and we're going to get at least 2 episodes in Aubrey Hall anyway. I do think one of the post-marriage episodes will be focused on Kate adjusting to the role of Viscountess and her bonding and having some very sweet moments with Violet and the Bridgertons. I hope they'll focus on her insecurities and her struggles with how Anthony is behaving and just how society has been treating her.  Especially when Anthony ran off to Aubrey Hall after their engagement and left Kate all alone to deal with the whispers? I hope they address that and he gets some slack for it. I think there’s going to be a good few scenes in S2 at the Sharma residence as well and a few balls, definitely one at Lady Danburys, so we’re in for an amazing season! 

Who knows what will happen but I could see them using very similar sets for Bridgerton House & No.5 in future seasons so it wouldn’t be a big change. No. 5 will still be a big household if it has the 4 youngest and Violet and occasioanlly Colin and Ben. I’m still not so sure about Eloise’s book and on, I think the strongest and most popular books plot wise are Anthonys, Benedicts and Colins and everyone is hyped for them. Daphne’s did extremely well though with a weaker book (that was still good just not a favourite of mine) so I have high hopes for them to do all the Bridgerton’s books. What I think they could do is possibly combine Eloise and Francescas for S5? As they’re both taking place at the same time in 1824. Gregory’s book was okay but it could be a good adaption as there’s so much going on. Who knows! They’ve already included Marina and Philip so that seems like an indication they would love to do them all and plan to?

I really went on here (again, do I ever stop talking). I don’t know what anyone else thinks but I’d love to hear! I could talk about Bridgerton forever tbh and I really do need to get back to the many invoices waiting for me <3 hope you’re having a good day anon!

[seiin-translations]

2.43 S1 Chapter 1.1: Young Yunichika

1. FIRST TOUCH

For this whole series, just imagine that everyone except Haijima is talking in dialect

Translation Notes

1. Itoko (従姉妹) is the Japanese word for cousin, so Kuroba’s itoko is Itoko, it’s a pun

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Continuing to fall almost nonstop since New Years’ Eve, the snow completely buried the school building right after winter break. It was just like a drifting classroom isolated in the gaps of space-time. The window glass that was pure-white with condensation cut off any connection to the outside world, and the air warmed by the stove amassed in the classroom without circulating. Steam rose gently from the brass basin that was placed on the stovetop, and the air near the ceiling appeared to flicker.

The old school building seemed to be creaking under the weight of the snow, and he was afraid that it was going to collapse, but it had held up every year without any problems. If only somewhere else in the school—like around the principal’s office—had been crushed flat, the talks of renovation would have proceeded quickly.

I mean, Grandpa can just make a donation. Should I try asking him seriously this time?

He thought that for a moment, but there was no doubt that he would have graduated by the time the new school building was completed, so that was a little silly. The middle school in the neighboring Suzumu City, which he had visited before at a town exchange event, was a new, clean, and sturdy reinforced concrete building, and the entire building was warm even though there were no kerosene heaters to be seen anywhere. He received a culture shock when he learned that the toilets were not cold.

I wanna be in high school soon, he thought vaguely. Since there were no high schools in town, you would have to go to Suzumu City for the closest one. However, the one year and three months until graduation was a length that could be called an eternity.

Fourteen years old. He had finally just started the third semester of his second year of middle school.

“The transfer student’s late, isn’t he?”

After performing the penance of opening ceremony in the frigid gym, Kuroba Itoko said and she hung her behind on the edge of his desk during the strangely slow waiting time after they returned to the classroom. “Heave ho,” she said as she wriggled her butt back to put her thighs on his desk, so Kuroba Yuni reflexively removed his chin resting in his hands on the desk and leaned back. This is just a bit embarrassing, oi… Even if all the female middle and high school students in the city did it, it was hard to understand why so many girls were shortening their skirts when the circumstances in this snowy country was different.

Itoko’s class was Class 2 next door, but she often made trips to Class 1. From entry to elementary school to middle school graduation, the faces in each grade didn’t change fundamentally, so everyone knew each other even though the classes were different. She seemed to have gotten some kind of information from the group of Class 1 girls who were still talking at the doorway even now.

That was right, a transfer student was arriving. There was no small amount of excitement in the air in Class 2-1 for the big event of the new semester, which was rarely encountered. It was a depopulating town where the number of people in school decreased, but rarely increased. What was more, apparently the transfer student was coming from Tokyo, so the expectations were high no matter what.

“I wonder if he’ll be cute. I hope he’ll be cute.”

“He has a normal face. Maybe a bit below normal.”

“You knew him until you guys were in senior kindergarten, right? He might have gotten cute.”

“I’m telling you, he didn’t. He’s going to be a pipsqueak with glasses who’s bad at sports. He became a wuss who’d get scared by this amount of snow...”

“What’s with you, are you sulking? You really are a little kid…”

“Shut up. I told you stop acting like you’re my big sister. The teacher’s coming soon so get back to your own class.”

As soon as he told her to stop, Itoko said, “Yes, yes, what a hopeless kid” with the utmost superior look on her face, shrugged her shoulders and jumped down from the table. Her short skirt fluttered lightly.

“I’m wearing underpants, so there’s no use peeking.”

“Did you make knitted panties? So ugly. I don’t get why you try so hard to look like that.”

“Being stylish is all about grit.”

Brushing aside the unintentional insult that rushed out of his mouth, Itoko slipped through the gaps between the messily aligned desks. Since she didn’t deny the knitted panties, did that mean that was true?

Kuroba Yuni and Kuroba Itoko had the same family name, but they were not siblings. It either made it confusingly similar or easy to understand, but…Itoko was his cousin. (1) They had the same grandfather and their fathers were brothers. She always acted like his older sister, but they were the same age, and since Kuroba was born in September and Itoko was born in October, he wanted to assert the fact that he was the one who was older.

She turned her miffed face away and rested her chin in her hands again. Kuroba’s seat was at very back by the window—until today. When he came to school today, a brand new desk and chair was brought in behind him.

He wiped the condensation on the window with his palm. Even when he cleared away the white film, all you could see beyond it was a blanket of white snow. The snow had stopped for now, but heavy snow clouds remained in the sky, and it wouldn’t be unusual if it started snowing some time again. There was a narrow path created from the school gate to the building sandwiched between walls of snow, but since the snow removal operation in the early morning, it had gotten buried again by the continuing snow.

He squinted outside the window to see if there was anything visible in the white. He was a slow and clumsy kid, so I hope he didn’t get stuck buried in the snow or something…

The truth was, Kuroba took pride in the fact that he was looking forward to the transfer student more than anyone else, a hundred or a thousand times more than Itoko or his classmates. Even though he was supposed to have finished moving house during winter break, he showed no indication of coming over to his house to show his face, so he was just a little frustrated about that and his excitement went down. They parted with each other in senior kindergarten, so it had been eight years. He wondered if he had been thoroughly steeped in Tokyo and forgot about this place.

Although, it wasn’t as if Kuroba remembered a lot either. He could remember meaningless episodes like what he did to get injured or what he did to get scolded, but as soon as he tried to systematically trace his memories, they became hazy. Like a snow scene that became misty with a glass that was already clouding over again—

In the midst of the white, he could see a flicker of something black moving.

Surprised, he half-rose to his feet and pasted himself to the window. There were two figures walking in the gorge between the walls of snow that seemed like they could collapse at any minute.

“…He’s here!”

He unintentionally exclaimed, and the miscellaneous chatter that filled the classroom quickly faded. There was a beat, and then shouts of joy rose. His more than thirty classmates surged towards the window and lined their faces.

The smaller figure, dressed in a stocky blouson down coat, was an old lady when he looked closer. So that means the other, bigger figure was…? Wait, how can he be that big…He was confused for a moment because he didn’t match his image of that kindergarten kid.

However, as soon as he strained his eyes and looked into his face, a warm-colored lantern lit up the snowy landscape of his white hazy memory, and a fresh image appeared in his mind.

“I’ll never forget you, Yuni… But, goodbye…”

Certainly, there was the face of a crying kindergartener who came to say goodbye to him while sobbing eight years ago. His pale face was drenched with tears, and even his glasses were wet. No matter how much he wiped them with his hands, large drops of tears continued to run down his cheeks, so much that he was worried that he was going to squeeze all the water out of his body.

That’s right, the glasses. He was already wearing glasses in kindergarten, and that might have helped giving him an introverted and quiet impression. Glasses and short and bad at sports. That was exactly his impression at that time. Once he remembered one thing, the vivid parts increased one after the other. One lantern lit a new lantern, and it became brighter and brighter.

Immediately, he stopped caring about how he didn’t come to see him over winter break or any of those small grievances. With impatient hands, he unfastened the screw lock on the window frame and threw open the window. The cold wind blew in and his classmates reproached him with “It’s so cold—“, but everyone’s voices bounced off him. Fine snowflakes blown up together with the wind struck his face. He shook his head and brushed away the snow.

“Chika!”

He leaned so far out the window that it looked like he was about to fall down and raised his voice.

The figure stopped and looked up. His eyes met his through thin-framed glasses. How will he react at first? His heart was beating fast from the anticipation.

He just reacted in such an indifferent way, like he just happened to exchange lines of sight with a stranger. He moved his face down without changing expression and disappeared into the shade of the eaves of the school entrance. The old lady who was left behind bowed slightly like she was troubled and followed after him, her snow boots making crunching noises.

Huh…? Did he…forget me?

Feeling let down, Kuroba stood stock still near the window. The two footprints that continued from the school gate were swept away by the white snow-mixed wind as the hanging lanterns that lit his memories went out with a puff.

⋆﹥━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━﹤⋆

“Haijima Kimichika-kun came from Tokyo. It seems that his grandfather’s house is in town, and he lived in Suzumu City until kindergarten. Perhaps some of you might know him.”

The gazes of everyone in the class was focused on the gangly school uniform standing at the teacher’s podium. How tall is he, it looks like he’s about the same as me? Kuroba thought absentmindedly as he stared at the small tip on the first stroke of “Hai” from the family name that was written vertically on the blackboard by the homeroom teacher. From among the three past elements of glasses, being tiny, and bad at sports, the glasses remained and pipsqueak disappeared. The remaining unknown was his motor skills.

He had a pale, smooth face and a rather neat set of features. If he had to decide between strong or weak, he would say they were weak. Depending on how you looked at it, they might look reptilian. At the very least, the characteristics of an idol-like pretty boy that Itoko had sweetly hoped for were nonexistent. To be frank, he seemed unfriendly. He still hadn’t smiled even once since he entered the classroom. He didn’t even try to look around at his classmates’ faces, just pursing his lips together and staring at his feet. Hmm, shyness?

“Kuroba-kun.”

Suddenly called on by the teacher, he made a stupid “Yeah?” sound.

“Haijima-kun played volleyball in his last school, so he will be joining the volleyball team. Please teach him about the team activities. Also, Haijima-kun’s eyesight is not good, but as you can see, he is tall, so you will move a seat behind. He will be the second from the back by the window.

Still without saying a word or even making a sound, Hajima nodded, took his bag and descended from the podium. Everyone’s interested gazes moved with his movements. As he turned twice at right angles and walked over to him without hesitation, Kuroba hurriedly got up as though to jump out of the way, and he put his bag on Kuroba’s seat with a thump before sitting down.

“Oh,” When Kuroba started to talk to him,

“…?”

He glared at him with a sideways glance, looking suspicious. What he placed on his desk was a somewhat stylish dark red backpack that looked like something from a school in the city, and had a somewhat stylish, unfamiliar school emblem embroidered on it.  

“No…it’s fine.”

Kuroba took the seat behind his, thinking, Well, if he’s fine with it, then I guess it’s okay. Unlike his desk, which had scribbles carved all over it with a cutter, the desk prepared for Haijima was still brand new, the surface shining brightly.

“Hey, how tall are you? You’re seventy, right?”

He leaned over the desk, poked the back before him and started talking to him. Kuroba was 173 centimeters. He had heard that the average height for second-year middle school boys was around 160, so he was on the considerably tall side.

Haijima turned around, looking like he couldn’t be bothered. His narrow eyes glared at him again. A gaze where you couldn’t feel anything like charm or friendliness at all, as if all the temperature was absorbed while passing through the thin lens of his glasses.

“Your position?”

That was the first sound he made since entering the classroom. Similar to his eyes, the way he spoke made you wonder if he had thrown away all his charm and friendliness at a station on the express train ride here from Tokyo. His voice finished changing…maybe? He had a low voice that carried well. It was just a bit frustrating.

“On the volleyball team?”

Haijima raised his eyebrows and repeated his words when Kuroba was just staring at him vacantly. Huh? His intonation felt strange. He was speaking in standard Japanese. Has it always been that way? It shouldn’t be like that, though.

“Oh, oooh, that’s what you meant by position?” This guy talked in a way that lopped off the context before and after his words. “Well, let’s see, I feel like we didn’t really decide them…”

“You didn’t decide? What do you do in matches?”

“Matches? Ah…”

He hadn’t heard that word in a long time. After gaping like it was someone else’s problem,

“We’ve never been in a proper match. It’s a club of guys who only belong to it in name only, and the practice days are whenever. Look, you have to join a club here. Don’t you know that?”

An expression that actually looked like an expression appeared on Haijima’s face, it looked like. Though it was only slightly, his narrow eyes widened—is this shock? And then his eyes suddenly lowered, his mouth turning down at the corners. Is this sadness?

“Oh, was your old school really strong?”

Crap, I might make him cry. He didn’t really understand, but he felt that he said something wrong, and when he panickily tried to stay on topic,

“Tch…”

He heard that. No way, did he click his tongue just now?

“So you’re just uselessly big?”

He heard a sudden, unbelievable insult from the mouth of the transfer student, who one would think would be generally burning with the desire to build good relationships with the people at his new school. With that, Haijima abruptly faced forward and started emitting an aura of “Don’t ever talk to me” from his back. Kuroba could do nothing but stare at that amazingly obstinate back with his mouth wide open.

“I’ll never forget you, Yuni… But, goodbye…”

Which station did you lose the “Chika” from eight years ago who was sobbing because he didn’t want to say goodbye?

Previous || Index || Next

[goosewithasaxophone]

Attack On Titan seasons 3+4 Spoilers (and 1 if you haven’t started it or gotten halfway thru it yet)

EVERYONE LISTEN UP OR DONT IDC BUT I JUST FINISHED EPISODE 8 OF AOT AND I HAVE AN IRRELEVANT HEADCANON THAT HELPS ME FALL ASLEEP AT NIGHT

Levi says to the kids (i guess they’re not kids anymore 😭😭😭😭) “Don’t die on me” and i just AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA it got me thinking how fuckin TIRED THIS POOR MAN IS of LOSING HIS FRIENDS

he lost his mom as a young child, his squad in s1, Kenny, Erwin and almost Hange (TOO CLOSE MOM TOO CLOSE) in s3, now Sasha in s4 ??? he needs a BREAK !!!!!!!!!!!!

so here’s my headcanon that i think about nonstop ☺️☺️

Levi is alone in his office after they return from the fight between Eren and the other titans. Sasha is put to rest with her things gathered and folded nicely on Levi’s desk to return to her family (are they alive ?? whatever i don’t remember).

He’s sitting at his desk writing a letter to go with Sasha’s things when they’re given back to whomever. Hange walks in, she’s exhausted. They both are. She stands in his doorway watching him. He tells her to come in, his tone gruff and assertive and his voice low and tired. His eyes are dark, even under the light of the lantern on his desk, shedding a low warm glow around the little room.

Hange steps closer and stands behind him where he sits, reading over his shoulder at the letter he’s writing. Beside it, she sees another letter, in fact, it’s a small pile of letters. Each paper has his scribbly writing inked and smudged and aged. She glided her fingers across the sides of the top page in the pile, trying to read them under the dull light. She sees the name “Erwin Smith” appear several times in several variances throughout the letter. Her heart twinges at the heartfelt words in the letter. Underneath that one she searches for other names in the other letters. She sees Petra, Oluo, Eld, and Gunther throughout the other pages.

By the time she finishes reading final letter in the pile she snaps back into the moment and notices Levi writing more aggressively on Sasha’s letter. His pen is taking the pressure from his hands and almost tearing through the paper. Hange has to place her hand on his wrist before he goes too far. He resists and tears a hole in the paper.

“Fuck,” he curses aggressively under his breath. Hange is about to say something, she opens her mouth to try to say something, anything that will reassure Levi that the tear in the page is nothing to fret, he can write another copy. But she knows she can’t say that because his words are authentic and to write another copy would be replicating a feeling already felt. That’s dwelling in the past and Levi doesn’t do that.

So she says nothing, and instead places her hand on his back. If she presses her palm flat against him she can feel his breath grow shallow and rigid. His breathing becomes audible.

Levi does not show emotion. He stares straight ahead and speaks monotonously no matter the situation. He uses his actions as expression and displays loyalty through his behavior.

Unless he’s alone with Hange.

Moments pass and Hange thinks he’s pulled himself together, so she takes a step back. Just as her fingertips lift from the man’s back he slams his fist on the desk and drops his face into his hands. Hange swoops down and throws herself over him like a protective blanket. She snakes her arms around him as far as they’ll go and squeezes tightly.

Levi curls forward from within her embrace and continues to try to control his breathing. He’s failing, they’re both aware, and neither say a word. It’s not until Hange realizes he isn’t going to immediately pull himself together that she takes another action. Shuffling her feet until she’s directly in front of him she brings her arms underneath his and raises him so he’s standing. She can hold him much closer this way.

“Fucking shit,” he sobs. Despite the lack of context Hange knows exactly what he’s talking about. It translated to “Why do I keep losing people?” She says the only thing she can think to say in the moment.

“Not me,” she whispers, feeling her own tears begin to sting her eyes. “Never me.”

“You were too close,” he mumbles. “Don’t ever fucking pull some shit like that again, he growled, remembering back to the sight of her being slammed against the trees, the sound of her voice shouting in pain as she hit the hard surfaces on her way down after her gear failed to suspend her. “That was too fucking close.”

Hange chuckles weakly. “I’ll do my best.”

“No you won’t. Your wreckless ass can’t stand not being at the center of danger.”

“What do you expect, that’s how we learn about things. From the center of them.”

“You’re fucking stupid.”

“I know.”

He brings his arms around her waist and pulls tightly. She knows he doesn’t mean the things he says. She knows he doesn’t think she’s intellectually stupid. He just doesn’t want to lose her too.

“You’re not gonna lose me, but I can’t lose you either, okay?” she said, trying to take a more encouraging turn. “I can’t handle those stupid kids on my own. Someone’s gotta be around to kick the shit outta them and keep ‘em in line, okay?” He nods against her chest and keeps his face buried in her.

It’s late evenings like these, when they return from some sort of mission, after Levi has changed out of his bloodstained clothes and Hange has restored her messy ponytail and everyone else has settled in for a long awaited rest, that Levi finds himself emotionally more vulnerable. It’s late evenings like these that when Hange is around and they’re alone, he can let himself be vulnerable. She’s his closest remaining partner.

It’s the pile of letters on his desk, never sent out, only ever growing with every additional squad member’s death, that Hange sees Levi’s true colors in. He’s not the cold, distant, abusive caption that everyone fears to anger lest they experience his wrath. He’s the damaged, healing, fragile captain that is so goddamn determined to keep his squads alive because every single time a member dies, another small piece of him dies with them. When the kids came into the picture he had never felt a greater weight on his shoulders. Every boy containing Farlan’s eyes and every girl containing Isabel’s, though no one saw it but him. He had to keep these stupid, wreckless, impulsive kids alive, because if he didn’t, who would?

But now the kids weren’t kids anymore. They were growing up. They were maturing. They were seeing things that toughened their skin and their hearts. They were taking control of their lives and realizing the real important things in life.

Levi was glad he could see them grow up and become wreckless adults instead of their old wreckless selves. But it also scared him, because he used to be that fresh new wreckless adult. And now he was the only one left. Him and Hange.

And that’s why he puts up an emotionless front. Because he and Hange are the last two left. The kids may think they are on their own, but Levi keeps an eye out. He watches and observes and takes pride in their enthusiasm on the good days and stays quietly sympathetic in the defeated hope on the bad ones. He’s watching because he cares so much. And that is what makes him so afraid.

Anyway that took me a half hour to type out because the more i thought about it while writing it the more developed it got. So there’s my big detailed headcanon, probably some misinformation in there but that’s because i don’t always understand what’s going on in the show and i’m far too behind to start the manga now. hope y’all enjoy and can suffer through the rest of the season along with me <3

[panharmonium]

Merlin and Naruto

I did Merlin here, so here’s Naruto! :D

[disclaimer for everyone: I have only watched up through Season 10 of Shippuden (the arc with the Five Kage Summit), and I am trying to avoid spoilers for everything after that point, so please don’t interact with this (including tags, because tumblr shows them to me automatically) unless you are avoiding ALL spoilers.  For me, this includes discussion about whether you like/dislike future seasons, comparisons of various seasons in terms of quality, etc.  Thanks, everyone! <3]

My favorite parent-child relationship: I know they’re not blood-related, but Iruka and Naruto have me crying every time I see them together.  Naruto straight-up says that when he’s with Iruka he feels like he knows what it’s like to have a father, and honestly, Iruka loves Naruto so much at this point that he would insta-adopt him if Naruto asked.  I love how Naruto always cites Iruka as the first person who cared for him even later in the show when Iruka hasn’t had as much screentime, and when I saw Iruka cry because he’s so proud of Naruto at the end of the Pain arc, it was just...too much for my little heart to handle.

My favorite sibling relationship: You know, thinking about it, almost all of the people in Naruto are only children, as far as we know!  But in terms of just that sibling vibe - Sakura and Naruto definitely give me that feel.  I know he has a crush on her, but their relationship has always felt more sibling-like to me, and I especially love how deep their bond has become by the time we get to Shippuden.  They are just so comfortable with each other now - the depth of the love and friendship they feel for each other is palpable.  

My favorite family relationship (other): I adore Naruto’s relationship with Jiraiya.  That scene where Naruto falls asleep against his back almost killed me, and Jiraiya’s later line, “Your smile is my salvation” - that was too much.  It absolutely destroyed me.  The way Jiraiya kind of gave up on everything after his old life went to hell - neverending wars, Orochimaru gone, his original students dead, his student’s students dead, Minato dead - he just ran away after that, and it was meeting Naruto that kind of rekindled that spark of hope in him and helped him reconnect with his community and rediscover a sense of purpose in his life.  Naruto enabled him to finally come home, and I think that’s beautiful.

My favorite friendship between two people: There are so many friendships in Naruto that I love (one of the greatest things about this show for me has been how little focus is given to romantic relationships, at least so far; it’s very much a friendship-oriented show), but right now I’m in a bit of a Kakashi-Yamato hole.  I was super primed to not like Yamato when he first showed up, because him being there meant that my favorite character WASN’T there, and also he ended up replacing Kakashi on the one mission where the team finally found Sasuke, but the guy won me over in the end.  He is one of my favorite characters now - my heart just swells every time I see him - and I think his relationship with Kakashi is super interesting.  I’ve written before about how Kakashi’s only truly intimate friendships are with people who are dead, and I do think that applies when it comes to Yamato, too, even though the two of them are obviously very companionable and close.  There is still a level to that relationship where Kakashi is a bit of a mentor figure, the “superior officer,” which results in a degree of (still friendly and affectionate) distance.  And as with all of his other relationships, Kakashi doesn’t really confide in Yamato about his life or open up to him in the same way that he does when he talks to his dead friends - but at the same time, there is an element to their relationship that doesn’t exist in Kakashi’s other friendships, and it’s the fact that Kakashi trusts Yamato with his kids, implicitly and without reservation.  Kakashi’s entire life right now is very much enmeshed in what happens to his students, and even if he doesn’t necessarily talk about that with Yamato, Yamato is still deeply involved in that work.  Yamato VOLUNTEERED for that work.  And he continues to dedicate himself to it even when his first mission as Kakashi’s stand-in ends up going completely off the rails and turning into WAY more than he signed up for.  He keeps doing his utmost for Kakashi’s kids without it even being his original responsibility, and that is such an unusual thing, for Kakashi, who in every other circumstance is always the one stepping in to help other people, the one who always shoulders his burdens alone.  Nobody ever asks Kakashi if he needs help with these incredibly high-needs children, and neither does Yamato - but the difference is that Yamato jumps in to help regardless, and he stays no matter how complicated things get.  That’s huge, and it’s only going to become more important.  It’s just - it is difficult for Kakashi to have intimate friendships with people who don’t share his history, and this rules out almost everybody else in the world, because all the people who truly share his own history are dead.  But the degree to which Yamato has altruistically and irreversibly entwined himself into the most important parts of Kakashi’s new history - the chapters being written right now, the ones that are going to define the rest of Kakashi’s life - means that Yamato is well on his way to breaking through that wall and becoming the first exception to a universal rule. [There is a lot to be said on Kakashi’s side of this, too, like - every time Kakashi refuses to call Yamato by his code name I lose my mind just a little bit, and I have MANY thoughts about Kakashi basically dragging folks who’ve been victimized or exploited or experimented on out of ANBU and then absorbing them into his own team, where they become a part of a family-type unit that respects them and cares about them and treats them like human beings.  I mean, there’s a huge difference between the Yamato we meet in S2 vs. the Yamato we know in S10 (and the same thing goes for Sai!) - and that’s something I think about a lot.]

My favorite friendship between a group:  I love all of the team dynamics, but Team Gai is a fave XD  The absurd contrast between oh-so-serious Neji vs. Gai/Lee’s incredible goofiness (with Tenten’s exasperation in between) is comedy gold.  I screamed with laughter in S1 when Gai was trying to get Neji to put his hand in the circle and do their “shout a slogan like a sports team” thing - I’ve never seen anything funnier on this show than jonin!Neji trying to put up with Gai’s antics.  

My favorite mentorship: My favorite mentorship is always Kakashi and whichever kid happens be onscreen with him at that moment, but I’ll be honest and say that Kakashi+Sasuke was the first dynamic that got me actually invested in this show (as opposed to me just watching it because it was on and not really caring what happened to any of the characters).  They are still the mentorship dynamic about which I have the most complex feelings, and that is especially true after the last season we watched.  I will probably end up making a separate post about this, because I still have not written down all of my thoughts about the end of Season 10 and I am still trapped in my feelings about this very lost child and the only adult who ever tried to help him the way he deserved to be helped, and I know I have way more to say about them than I can reasonably fit in this bullet point.  But - the short version is that I am super compelled by the way that every tragedy that’s befallen Kakashi is precisely what shapes him into the only adult who can help this particular kid, the way seemingly senseless events ended up putting Kakashi in a position where he’s the only adult who can intervene on this kid’s behalf many, many years later.  The way Sasuke’s plight (and the potential that Kakashi has to help him) suddenly grants meaning to the worst parts of Kakashi’s life - that knocks me on my butt.  

My favorite rivalry: So I probably would not have said this until the episode where Kakashi comes three seconds away from being made Hokage, but I’m gonna say Gai & Kakashi, solely to express my love and appreciation for Gai in that episode.  This is the ep where Gai challenges Kakashi to a race through the entire village (as a sort of “last hurrah before we can’t do this kind of silly shit anymore” thing) and Kakashi is initially kind of reluctant to do it, because he’s stressed out about a lot of things, but he does end up agreeing to it, and then he has SO much fun, and I LOVED this so much; I can’t even tell you.  This moment takes place immediately after Kakashi returns from that horrible, awful confrontation with Sasuke, and everything preceding this scene was very hard for me to see, because everybody is just asking Kakashi to do more and more and more for them without giving him even a hot minute to be like “i almost just killed my own kid.  i almost just had to kill my own kid, who was trying to kill my other kid, who was trying to kill kid #1 first, so i wouldn’t have assume the burden of killing him myself.”  Nobody checks on him, nobody asks, and Kakashi has to just hold onto that horror and also fret over the uncertain yet chilling secrets that Madara Uchiha disclosed and also prepare to shoulder the crushing weight of an office he never asked for - AND THEN.  GAI SHOWS UP.  And even though Gai doesn’t really know what happened, he still checks Kakashi over from top to bottom to make sure he’s in one piece, and then he drags him into this stupid competition, and it makes Kakashi LAUGH.  They go running all out across the craterized scene of devastation that used to be their home, and they have FUN doing it, and Kakashi straight-up tells Gai, “This was just what I needed,” which - god.  It would be great if Kakashi had somebody he could actually talk to, sure, but there’s also a space in our lives for people who just cheer us up, no questions asked.  It’s like when you tell someone you have a problem and they ask, “Do you want to talk about it or do you want to be distracted?”  Sometimes you don’t need to talk about it.  Sometimes you just need people who will take you for a goofy footrace and make you feel like you’re running too fast for any of your troubles to ever touch you again, for a few minutes. 

My favorite hatred/antipathy: The answer to this question used to be Kakashi and Itachi, and while I’m even MORE fascinated by their dynamic now than ever, it’s taken on a whole new dimension, given that I think Itachi is (secretly) thrilled to see someone like Kakashi so committed to taking him down and keeping Sasuke safe.  So, in place of that, I’ll just say that I love how much all of the Akatsuki cannot stand each other XD  Almost none of them get along, and it makes me laugh every time - I can’t believe they ever get anything done, though I guess that’s to be expected when you get that many super-criminals together in a room.  I especially love how they all think Orochimaru is so stupid...cannot get over them laughing at him and his body-snatching immortality schemes.

My favorite potential relationship between characters who never talk in canon: Okay, these are both silly answers, but - I would have KILLED to see Jiraiya interacting with Minato’s team.  Like, I’m certain they spent time together, but honestly, what I wouldn’t give to have witnessed some of it.  All I could think about during that mini-arc where Jiraiya teaches Naruto how to sync up with Gamariki was how little!Kakashi would have taken one look at the dancing frogs and decided he would be using dog!summons for the rest of his life; meanwhile Obito would have already been in the frog’s mouth begging to be launched into the air like a cannonball.  Also - my sister said the other night how it is a CRIME that we never got to see Sasuke forced to interact with Jiraiya and honestly, that is too true.

[itsthenovelteafactor]

Superhero Gothic

Thanks to everyone who responded to my previous post (special shoutout to @jeyfeather1234 💛 ) about superheroes and gothic media! I know it’s been, like, a month, but here we go.

Here’s a bit of a look into some common gothic themes, and how they apply to Doom Patrol, The Boys, Watchmen (2019), and The Umbrella Academy. This one’s a bit long, not gonna lie, but I hope you enjoy! 

Part I: Let’s Talk About Gothic Media

There is not actually an all-encompassing definition for gothic media, or even a universally agreed-upon one. You’re probably familiar with some well-known gothic works (think Dracula, Frankenstein, Edgar Allen Poe, Stephen King) but there is a lot of debate on what exactly makes them gothic. 

There are some common themes in gothic works, though: families/characters under the control of a tyrannical paterfamilias, the crumbling of the established order/estate, long-buried secrets that have consequences in the present, and supernatural events that are stand-ins for/reflective of the emotional state/past actions of the characters. 

(Note: these aren’t all the themes of gothic works or even most of them, but for purposes here, I’d like to limit this analysis to them. I’d love to talk about other themes/ideas, though, if anyone has them. 😊)

So… superheroes (quick overview in case you haven’t watched any of them… spoiler warnings for the rest of this discussion)

Doom Patrol:

Five misfit superhumans attempt to rescue their mentor figure when he is kidnapped by an old enemy.

They are very, very bad at it.

Also features a singing horse head, a sentient nonbinary teleporting street (who is by far the best character) and the narrator is the fourth-wall breaking series villain. 

Beautifully weird but will also emotionally devastate you. Criminally underrated, tbh.

Watchmen (2019):

Story takes place after the canon of the graphic novel which is too much to summarize.

Alternate history (that should really feel more fictitious than it does) where white supremacist organization the Seventh Cavalry, masked police officers, and former superheroes in hiding all collide in Tulsa Oklahoma

Swept the Emmys this year and ABSOLUTELY DESERVED TO

The Umbrella Academy:

Washed up former child superheroes are forced to reunite when their father dies under mysterious circumstances 

Time travel, dysfunctional siblings, and a killer soundtrack

Basically a family drama with the superhero story as secondary (complimentary)

Probably the most obviously gothic of all of these it is aesthetic AF 

The Boys: 

Superheroes exist but they are corporate sellouts under the control of evil company Not-Amazon (AKA Vought)

Regular human protagonists try to hold them accountable for their actions with varying (read: usually minimal) success

Yes, it’s the one from those weird ads earlier this year

Billy Joel!! 

Part II: Niles Caulder, Ozymandias, and Other Terrible Father Figures

The Tyrannical Paterfamilias: 

Does not always mean a father figure explicitly, often relating to the notion of a patriarchal tradition, or family inheritance that plays a role in controlling the main characters. 

Sometimes, it is a father figure. 

Sometimes, it is a representative of patriarchal tradition/male head of pseudo-family unit.

So, uh, role call: 

Reginald Hargreeves (even in death) holds power over his children, and has shaped all of them into the adults they have become, and that drives the majority of the conflict. Each of the major character individually grapples with the after-effects of his abuse. Luther feels the need to be the leader and protect everyone and alienates his allies as a consequence. Diego constantly asserts himself as a hero (often to dangerous extremes) because it is the only way he was ever valued. Allison has to teach herself boundaries and responsible use of her powers after he encouraged her to abuse them for years. Klaus turns to drugs to cope with his childhood trauma. Five disobeyed his father with disastrous consequences and is constantly fighting to not become him. Vanya spent her entire childhood in the background, and never learned to assert herself in a healthy way. Thanks, Reggie.

Homelander says that The Seven are like a family. While whether or not this is accurate (it isn’t) is up for debate, he does occupy the tyrannical paterfamilias roles incredibly well. Homelander controls every member of the Seven, threatening them and their loved ones whenever they step out of line (read: do not do exactly what he wants in the exact way he wants them to do it.) He is also very closely tied with conservative/patriarchal rhetoric in-universe and at one point dates a literal Nazi. 

William Butcher less evil than most of the other characters on this list but the bar is also like, on the ground. Butcher tries to control the Boys in a similar way (Butcher and Homelander are character foils, okay? it’s actually pretty neat). He’s perfectly willing to sacrifice them in pursuit of his own goals, disregards their points of view and the well-being of their loved ones, and tries to cut loose anyone who disagrees with his methods (recall when Hughie tried to rescue his friends at the end of s1 and Butcher… punched him in the face? Yeah, that.) The difference is that the Boys can push back against his without being, you know, brutally murdered. (And also the Butcher isn’t a literal monster; I’m not anti-Butcher, okay? He’s an interesting character and the fact that he seems constantly on the verge of becoming that which he hates most is part of what makes him interesting.)

Guess what, folks? It’s hating Niles Caulder hours. He engineered accidents to turn the main characters into his test subjects, and then kept them conveniently hidden away in his large manor. Stole their autonomy and independence but paints himself as a benevolent father figure. And that’s not even including what he does to his actual daughter, Dorothy. He’s terrified of her growing up (read: becoming a young woman) and so he locks her away for almost 100 years and, when she is freed, yells at her constantly and makes her terrified of showing any signs of maturation (even though she’s 111 and clearly tired of being written off as a child).

The relationship between Ozymandias and his daughter, Lady Trieu, is integral to the final act of Watchmen. Heralded as the “smartest man in the world,” Ozymandias refused to acknowledge his daughter as his until he needed something from her. While Lady Trieu is more self-sufficient and independent than some of the applications of this trope, she goes to great lengths to prove herself, first to him, and then to herself when he rejects her.

Part III: Been a Long Time Gone (Constantinople) 

Gothic fiction is often associated with change, and particularly, the collapse of established systems of power. For example, many works like The House of the Seven Gables and The Fall of the House of Usher take place in old, crumbling manor houses. There is a reason for this! These kinds of estates are remnants of a past that is irreversibly gone, and their continued presence in decrypt forms serves as a reminder. 

Each of the four series takes place at a moment, either on a wide scale or on a personal scale (or both!), in which an established order is being questioned, and the constant reminders of that failed order are used to gothic effect.

The Umbrella Academy plays this most directly (In fact, there are TONS of parallels between the end of s1 of TUA and House of Usher that I don’t have the time to get into right now... lmk if you want that meta). We can see the Hargreeves mansion as a very literal example of this. While not worn down, the house is notably both very large and very empty. Shelves are filled with merchandise for a superhero team that disbanded over a decade prior, and portraits of a family that no longer speaks to each other. None of the family members ever seem truly comfortable or at ease in the house, and for good reason - every back corner is a reminder of their incredibly traumatic childhood. 

In The Boys, the story begins with the fridging death of the main character’s girlfriend, Robin, at the hands of a member of the Seven, a group of heroes so ingrained in the public consciousness that when they later hide out in a costume shop, literally every single costume is for one of Vought’s heroes. The Seven represent the system in power, which, at the disposal of Not-Amazon means corporate greed, shallow altruism, and the cultivation of public personas at the expense of actual humanity. 

From that moment on, the sheer presence of The Seven on everything from public billboards to breakfast cereal is a remainder for Hughie (and the audience) that this established system doesn’t work and is based on lies, which serves this effect on a personal level. In the broader scale, however, we also see that the Seven themselves are fracturing under an unsustainable business model. Even their name, “The Seven” starts to seem a bit dated when halfway through season one through the end of season two there are notably... less than seven of them. 

The main characters in Doom Patrol are all in recovery after the accidents that irreversibly changed their lives. We see through flashbacks the people that they used to be, and the difference is striking. They were each established in their own elements: Cliff a famous race-car driver, Rita a world renowned actress, Larry a hero pilot, Jane was involved in counter-cultural movements, Vic was a student and athlete. The foundations upon which their worlds were established are completely decimated by the accidents, and now they (save Vic and sometimes Jane) live mostly in isolation in Niles’ manor house, an estate that is far larger than would be necessary to comfortably house a group of their size.

And you feel the emptiness, both in the manor, and in the lives of the characters. They have barely created a shadow version of their own existence when the series starts, so fragile that a simple trip into town devolves into utter chaos. 

Angela Abar of Watchmen has also constructed a life following the terrifying act of terrorism on the White Night. It’s a bit of a double life, and we see that the balancing act is challenging for her, even before the story truly begins. The death of Judd Crawford, and the revelation about him that follows is not only traumatizing on a personal level (but it definitely is that), but also upsets her understanding of the world. People she’s come to trust are not just dishonest but truly monstrous. And the more Angela learns about what has been happening, the more her understanding of the world begins to unravel. Her memories, and the memories of those around her are cast in a much more sinister light, and the effect is genuinely chilling. 

Part IV: “I’m the Little Girl Who Threw the Brick in the Air”

In episode 3 of Watchmen, Laurie contacts Dr. Manhattan on the cosmic phone booth to tell him a joke. It’s a version of what TVTropes calls the “brick joke,” and it relies on set up taking place early on, other stuff happening, and then the response coming at an unexpected moment. 

So, yeah. Events of the past/buried secrets resurfacing with consequences in the present.

Continuing with the theme from Watchmen, the entire series is punctuated with the way the past and the present intertwine, with elements from both the original Watchmen graphic novel, and actual American history. One of the things we talked a lot about in my gothic lit class was the manner in which the overhanging specter of past atrocities casts a shadow over the present, and how many works cannot help but have gothic themes because there are so many horrifying things in the past that cannot be ignored, and provide both context and nuance for the discussions we have in the present. No series tackles these topics quite so directly (and with as much care) as Watchmen. (note: it does not always make for easy viewing, but if you’re in a place where you feel like you can engage with that kind of material, I highly recommend the show.)

In Doom Patrol, the past actions of the characters very much control the storyline (see: previous discussion of Niles Caulder), but the character whose storyline I want to talk about here is Rita (partially for plot reasons and partially because I just love Rita, okay?). We learn when we first meet Rita that in the past she was... not a great person. We know that the trauma of the accident that gave her her powers has changed her, we also know that she still holds on to the guilt and that her guilt has limited the scope of her world for years, but we don’t know what exactly it is that she’s done. 

Enter Mr. Nobody, all-powerful narrator who is not just aware of Rita’s greatest sins, but perfectly capable of manifesting reminders of them into the story. She is confronted with empty cradles, and the sound of crying children in the background of many scenes and we see how much it effects her, without a full understanding of why it does (see: The Tell-Tale Heart). Her past begins to haunt her physically, and she begins to crumble in response to it, until finally she is forced to confide in a stranger (and thus the audience). The past actions do not just inform the audience of Rita’s character - they show up to influence her behavior in the present. 

The ending of The Umbrella Academy season 1 is super evocative of the gothic genre with Vanya breaking open the soundproof chamber (wherein she was silenced for years) and rising from the basement to destroy the last remnants of the Hargreeves legacy (which would be awesome if the last remnants of the Hargreeves legacy didn’t include the rest of her family). Pretty much every mistake the siblings make over the course of the season feeds together to create the finale, but the primary cause isn’t something any of them actually did. It all ties back to Reginald Hargreeves’ complete inability to be nice to children. Any children. His own and random strangers that need help. 

In The Boys, while the extent to which people are making f-ed up choices in the present cannot be expressed enough, we see through the characters of Homelander that many of the present difficulties are a result of past mistakes. Particularly, the profit-seeking corruption within Vought. We learn in s1 through Vogelbaum that Homelander was raised in a lab by Vought as an experiment, only to be unceremoniously thrust into the spotlight and told he was a superhero (which... does not justify a single one of his actions but is still a major yikes). As the head scientist of the project, Vogelbaum is very aware that ignoring his conscious if the name of research has essentially created the biggest threat their world has ever seen. 

(Seriously y’all just stop raising your super kids in isolation) 

Part V: Put Them Together, and They’re the MF-ing Spice Girls 

Having the environment respond to characters’ emotions/mental states is pretty common in gothic works (it was a dark and stormy night = someone is probably not doing super well). One of the advantages of the genre’s tendency towards the supernatural is that, often, those elements of the stories, as well, are reflections of the main ideas of a work of fiction (see: Stephen King’s really unsubtle period metaphors).

Because all of these shows have a ton of supernatural/scifi elements by virtue of being, well, superhero shows, I thought it would be easier (and more fun!) to come up with a short list of elements, what they mean, and what cases they might apply to.

1. A Nonlinear Experience of Time

The Umbrella Academy: legitimately about time travel. Characters are attempting to fix the timeline but are unable to because they are both mentally and sometimes literally stuck in the past. 

Watchmen: In the episode This Extraordinary Being, Angela experiences firsthand the experiences of her grandfather, under the influence of a drug called Nostalgia. The episode touches on many themes, one of which being the impact of generational trauma in marginalized communities. Throughout the series, Dr. Manhatten is cursed with experiencing all time at once, and the episode A God Walks into Abar illustrates that, because of this, he is constantly facing the consequences of particular actions before, after, and while he is preforming him.

Doom Patrol: Mr. Nobody is able to physically travel to one of Jane’s flashbacks via his fourth-wall breaking powers, and gives Dr. Harrison an ultimatum for the future. 

What it implies: Events, particularly events that evoke guilt or conflict, are not as rooted in the past as one would like to think.

2. Powers/Abilities that reflect personal trauma/failings

Doom Patrol: Larry’s abilities/bond with the Negative Spirit have made it so that he is constantly covering himself with bandages/avoiding other people, which reflects his experiences having to hide his identity as a gay man in the 50/60s. Rita forced herself to walk a thin line, betraying everything in pursuit of her image; her abilities require constant effort to keep her entire body from becoming misshapen and out of control. Vic’s father with boundary issues can literally control his perception of the world through his cybernetic enhancements. Dorothy’s abilities manifest as imaginary friends because she was kept isolated for years at a time. 

The Umbrella Academy: pretty much all of the kids’ powers are representative of the interpersonal skills they were never able to develop. Luther is super-durable but also the most emotionally vulnerable of the group. Five can teleport and time travel but always seems to be too late to stop things. Diego can manipulate the trajectory of projectiles but cannot escape the path his father set out for him, not matter how much he resents it. Vanya always forced herself to stay quiet until the sound literally explodes out of her.

The Boys: Annie’s abilities allow her to control light, but she struggles (in the beginning) to bring to light the horrible things done to her behind closed doors. 

Watchmen: Not technically a power, but Looking Glass’ mirror-mask is a constant reminder of the hall of mirrors that both saved his life and traumatized him forever. 

What it implies: from a story perspective, these allow for an exploration of trauma/guilt to occur on a scale much larger than people simply talking about their problems (as if anyone on any of these shows knows how to talk about their problems...) It also means that the trauma/guilt of the characters takes on a physical form that is able to haunt them, and constantly remind them/hold them accountable for their past actions.

3. Diluted Sense of Reality:

Doom Patrol: The first season is narrated by its main villain, and throughout the season we see that the act of narration itself has an impact on the story.

Watchmen: The event that kicks off the plot of the story is hinged upon a paradox introduced by Angela near the end of the series when trying to speak to her Grandfather in the past through Dr. Manhattan.

The Umbrella Academy: The pair of episodes in season 1, The Day that Wasn’t and The Day That Was take the same point in time and explore two possible avenue for the future from there, with The Day that Wasn’t ending with the events of the entire episode being completely erased from the timeline.

What it implies: you can’t necessarily trust everything you see, even from the audience perspective, giving them a position not unlike that of the characters. The character’s uncertainty and confusion is magnified and reflected in the world that surrounds them.

Other examples: an apocalypse (The Umbrella Academy, Doom Patrol, Watchmen (of a sort)), ghosts (The Umbrella Academy - hi, Ben!), immortality/invulnerability (Watchmen, Doom Patrol, The Boys), and characters that look significantly younger than they actually are (The Boys, The Umbrella Academy, Doom Patrol). 

Part VI: Why Did You Write a Literal Essay Don’t You Have Real Schoolwork (yes... shhhhh...)

And... there you have it. I don’t really have some grand conclusion here. This is (clearly) far from a complete analysis but it is the most my finals-week brain can concoct at the moment. 

If you have other ideas, let me know! You can always add to the notes or message me – my inbox is always open!  If you got this far, thank you so much for taking the time to read this! Much love! ❤️