#this is why i keep saying its from another playlist lol

[wind-becomes-lightning]

🎧 💕

shuffling my "blorbo thoughts all day" playlist! :)

this is from my kakashi and sayuri playlist! I just think it is a very nice sort of moment of breathing after the war has ended etc well the title says it all :D In my mind the continuation of "we looked like giants" that tells the story of their family would be called "in our bedroom after the war"

Send me a 🎧 and I will put my music on shuffle and give you a song and my favourite lyric from it

[lostfracturess]

symptoms and causes | ch. 11

ღ pairing professor gojo x med student reader

ღ summary he's arrogant, self-centered, and he's your professor. renowned for his brilliance in neurosurgery and infamous for his allure. too bad you have to work with him on this research team. now you're stuck with dr. satoru gojo, delving into the complexities of both the brain and the heart—and of how far you'd go for a love that could destroy not only him but you as well.

ღ wc 13.5 k (enjoy your meal lol)

ღ warnings [18+] this story contains substance abuse/addiction, overdosing, (rough) smut, mature themes, self-destructive and abusive behavior, manipulation, (heavy) angst, mentions of death / illness / blood, graphic medical procedures. reader discretion is advised.

ღ author's note hey loves!! thank you so much for your patience, i know it's been a while. buckle up, because we're taking another trip inside satoru's mind, so yeahhh. it's gonna be wild, oh and we're continuing right were we left off in the last chapter. this chapter is again in satoru's pov!! i've also updated the trigger warnings, so please take a look before reading (might be spoiling tho). and lastly, credit to the fanart in the cover, if you know the artist, pls let me know!! can't wait to hear what you all think & thanks for sticking with me!! ♡

series masterlist + playlist + ao3 + wattpad

<- prev chapter | next chapter ->

They say before you can love someone else, you have to love yourself first.

And there lies the damn problem. 

I don't know how. 

Never have.

Why am I thinking this now? 

I knew this was right. 

Right for her. 

But then why does my heart feel like it's being ripped out by the fucking roots?

Suguru will take care of her. He always does. That's the only thing that keeps me from screaming, keeps me from chasing after her.

I trust him, damn it, but it shouldn't be him.

It should be me holding her. Me, who knows how she likes to be held when the panic claws its way up. Me, holding her until the world feels less sharp, less cruel.  

Me, who knows that she doesn't want to talk about it. Me, who knows to give her space. She needs space. My strong girl needs space first. 

I hope he gives her space.

But he wouldn't know any of this. He couldn't comfort her in the ways I instinctively knew how. 

Me, who knows how to soothe the invisible wounds, the ones even she denies exist. Me, who knows the soft words she needs to hear after it passes.

It shouldn't be him. 

Sorry. 

It shouldn't have been him.

Past tense. 

It all might be past tense now.

And the thought is more than I could bear.

Shattered. 

Was that the word?

Was there even a word for what I felt in that moment?

How could I ever convey this suffocating agony that's tearing me apart with mere words?

Words are meaningless in the end.

Meaningless when they couldn't be spoken to her, couldn't reach her, couldn't make her understand, couldn't heal the wound I'd carved into her heart.

So, yeah, maybe shattered is the right word. 

The wrong word.

The sterile air was acid in my lungs. Each ragged breath felt like sandpaper against my throat. I held my breath, a desperate plea for the world to stop spinning, for the clock to rewind, for a chance to undo everything.

But time doesn't care. 

It marched on, relentless, while I stayed trapped in this hell, drowning in the mess I made. 

My lungs burned. My vision blurred. I waited until she disappeared. The world seemed to tilt sideways, losing all color and shape, leaving only the sharp, agonizing realization that I'd made her walk away.

I didn't want to breathe anymore.

Not in a world where every breath ached without her.

"Dr. Gojo?" A voice, distant, muffled. 

Irrelevant.

My gaze flickered to Sukuna. He watched, a predator savoring the kill. 

His twisted smile fueled rage within me. But there would be no fighting this. No grand defense. Not when her life was the bargaining chip.

So, I lied. 

Each word a nail in the coffin of the connection I craved more than life itself.

Each word a drop of poison forced down my throat. A self-inflicted wound, a desperate mutilation of the only thing that had ever felt real.

Her eyes, those beautiful eyes I loved so fiercely, wide with confusion and horror. The strangled gasp, the way her body went limp in Geto's arms — a haunting image that would forever be etched on my heart.

Muscles screamed, a silent protest against my own pathetic stillness. But I remained frozen. 

This was my punishment. 

I had to watch her leave, had to sear the pain into my very being, an endless penance for the choices I'd made.

The door clicked shut behind them.

That simple sound, final, absolute.

My lungs filled with air, a betrayal. Oxygen I didn't deserve, didn't want. 

My own body, this treacherous thing kept going, kept me alive against my will, kept me tethered to this cruel reality.

The room swam back into focus, the judges' accusing faces nothing but a blurry backdrop. The sounds of their inquest washed over me like meaningless noise.

"Dr. Gojo? Can we continue?"

I nodded.

They pressed on. More questions about the research, her involvement, their accusations of favoritism.

How stupid.

Of course, I favored her. 

How could I not? 

She is everything.

Oh, sorry. Forgot. Past tense.

She was everything.

Did I regret it? 

Did I wish I could go back and treat her with the same damn indifference I afforded everyone else?

Yeah, maybe.

A familiar craving stirred my senses, the desperate need for the numbing escape that would mean failing her even more. My fingers clawed at my forearm, trying to replace the hollowness with physical pain. It wasn't enough.

My responses were rote, mechanical.

Yeah, I favored her. 

Yeah, I let her into the OR because of it.

Yeah, and she outshone every damn surgeon twice her age. 

No, she didn't know I'd set it up. 

No, she never asked for special treatment. She just worked until her eyes were bloodshot, pushing harder than anyone else.

And hell no, she didn't do a single thing wrong.

Except maybe — maybe loving me. 

After what felt like an eternity, the judges seemed satisfied, or perhaps just exhausted by my robotic replies. 

They painted me the arrogant professor with a weakness for a young student, who abused his power, who played favorites.

Whatever they wanted to believe, fine.

Didn't even have the energy to care anymore.

Let them drag my name through the mud, tarnish the reputation I'd worked so hard to build. 

Because the title, the position, the facade of success meant nothing when all I wanted was to rewind time, to undo the damage I'd done to the one person who truly mattered.

I didn't feel anymore.

I was done.

─── ·✧· ───

I burst out of the courtroom.

I needed escape, not just from this sterile prison of a room, but from my own traitorous flesh.

That itch.

It was a wildfire beneath my skin, a thousand insects gnawing their way to the surface. My fingers twitched, claws desperate to tear, to bleed out the poison of this relentless craving.

My legs moved without conscious thought, pushing me towards my office. Somewhere. Anywhere I would be able to breathe again. The guilt was a serrated blade twisting in my gut, each movement slicing me open anew.

Her terror-stricken eyes seared into my very soul.

The walls of my office closed in, the familiar space suddenly too small, too suffocating. 

My fist slammed into the desk. Papers scattered to the floor, a meaningless sea of white against the dark wood.

They didn't matter. None of it mattered.

A half-finished coffee mug followed. Porcelain shattered. Dark liquid splashed against the wall. 

My blood roared in my ears. 

Across the room, my framed diploma. I ripped it off the wall. Glass smashed. Sharp edges bit into my palm, drawing blood. But it wasn't enough. I hurled the frame against the wall.

Blood, hot and slick, coated my hands, the pain nothing.

In the shattered frame, I caught a glimpse of myself — wild eyes in a sweat-slicked face, a man on the verge of collapse.

It was a stranger.

I was across the room before I even registered the decision.

The drawer.

My fingers ripped it open. 

There, like a coiled viper, the amber vial gleamed, a venomous promise of oblivion.

Don't —

Don't come at me now. 

Did you really think I wouldn't keep a backup?

My hand reached, then hesitated.

The world lurched to a sharp halt as a knock pierced the chaos. My breath hitched, the vial a burning brand in my bloodied hand.

The door creaked open.

And there he was. Sukuna. 

He leaned against the doorframe, that sickening smirk plastered on his face. It was like a lit fuse to a powder keg. The rage that had been gnawing at my insides, tearing me apart, finally found its target.

Before a single rational thought could form, I was on him. Fist to jaw, heard the crack, felt it in my knuckles. He stumbled back, the smirk finally wiping off his face.

I pinned him against the door. Forearm across his throat, crushing his windpipe. His eyes widened, but even then, there was that damn flicker of amusement.

"Well, well," he choked out, "this is a nice welcome back."

"Funny to you?"

He coughed, a harsh laugh scraping out of him. "C'mon, Satoru, relax. I did you a favor," he sputtered. "Your precious little student, she's better off now. You know I'm right."

Every muscle in my body tensed.

He was right. 

In his twisted way, he was. 

And that's what made it all so much worse.

My grip on his throat tightened. But there was nothing, no satisfactio, no release in the violence.

Sukuna saw it, the hesitation. His mouth twisted into a smirk again. "See, you get it. Sweet thing doesn't belong in this mess, does she? It's not for her, Satoru. It's for us."

His words scraped like nails on a chalkboard. 

Yes, she was safer now, untouched by the rot that festered within me. Some desperate, logical part of me clung to that. But how could I hold on to that when my heart was screaming for her closeness?

"Or maybe," Sukuna drawled, pushing the knife deeper, "maybe you wanted to see where this goes. Stain her a bit, make her just a little bit more like you."

My breath hitched. For a split second, the floor vanished beneath me.

"Hit a nerve, did I?"

"Shut the hell up!" I couldn't face it, couldn't face the ugly truth as it would tear me apart. "You twist everything. Play with lives just for your own sick amusement."

This was his game.

Sukuna thrived on chaos, on exploiting pain. 

He knew my guilt, my fear for her, and wielded it like a scalpel, laying bare the raw nerve of my fragile sanity.

"Perhaps. But ain't I right?  You needed to end it, but you lack the guts for it. Waited a bit longer, it'd be a total disaster."

I hesitated, then my grip on him slackened. I stepped back.

"You know I'm right," Sukuna continued. "You know how this would have ended. Suspension. Scandal. She'll be doomed forever for getting involved with her professor for favors. You wouldn't destroy her like that, would you? You're not that cruel."

"I'm not so sure." I ran a hand through my hair.  It had taken everything in me to push her away. 

But I can't deny that an ugly part of me wanted to keep her close. Drag her down with me. 

See her drown.

"Damn, you hit hard," he said, rubbing his jaw. "Go beat up some students again, not me."

"Stop giving me reasons to punch you."  Exhausted, I slumped into my desk chair, burying my face in my hands. My head pounded, the infuriating itch worsening with each damn moment. "Was this your plan all along?"

"What?" he scoffed.

I lifted a single eyebrow at him.

"You think that low of me? Honestly, Toru, a bit of credit, please. It was your pathetic indecision that made this entertaining. You basically gift-wrapped this mess and handed it to me."

"Besides," he continued, "let's be honest, you were holding her back. Now maybe she'll have a chance to become someone who might surpass you one day. You wouldn't deny her that, would you? No thanks needed."

He was right, and I hated that more than anything.

Sukuna sank into the chair across from me, a picture of smug satisfaction despite the visible bruise. "Damn, that punch still stings."

I opened my desk drawer and wordlessly tossed him the bottle of opioids. His eyes widened in surprise, before he gave the bottle a knowing shake. "Still on the hydromorphone?"

I didn't answer. The sound alone threatened to shatter what fragile control I had left. The itch was unbearable, each nerve ending screaming for relief.

Sukuna observed me, a predator watching its prey struggle. "Withdrawal never suited you," he said, popping a pill. "You always get so—" he paused, savoring the word, "—tense."

"Yeah, real supportive of you."

"Actually, I'm being incredibly supportive. I'm leaving for a little research trip overseas—four months. Ethics committee can't meet without me, so—" He leaned back in his chair, his grin widening. "Gives you time to get your shit together. Isn't that nice of me?"

"Shut the hell up."

"C'mon, I put in a good word for you too. No suspension for now. You can keep teaching, just no surgeries. Yaga really hates my guts, doesn't he? But hey, at least you're not totally screwed."

"You expect a thank you?"

"Relax, Toru, the show's over," he said. "Trust me, they don't want a scandal, let alone lose their star surgeon. When I get back, a slap on the wrist, maybe a semester's suspension, then you're back to the boring old grind."

A bitter laugh escaped me. "Last I checked, you were the one pushing for a scandal."

He rolled his eyes. "Someone had to do it. Knew you'd drag this out forever, playing the tragic hero. Needed a villain to get things moving." He gave a mocking bow. "At your service, my friend."

"Also," he continued, leaning forward in his chair, "the focus is off you now. The committee's sniffing around those implant engineers. Funny, isn't it?" 

Sukuna paused, savoring the moment. "Honestly, never thought there was anything wrong with your surgeries. You wouldn't make that kind of mistake. Tech malfunction more likely."

Of course. 

The bastard never doubted the damn research. It had all been a game to him — my career, my sanity, her — just pieces on his chessboard.

It should've made me furious, lash out, pound his face in again — but all I felt was a bone-deep exhaustion, a weariness that seeped into my very soul. I was too tired, too hollowed-out to do anything but swallow the bitter truth.

"That supposed to make me feel better?" 

"A little," he said, tossing the opioid bottle back. "This, though? That'll do the trick even better."

I caught it, my fingers clenching around the plastic.

He rose, stretching with a theatrical sigh. "Well, time to go. Remember, you owe me big time. You should take one," he gestured towards the pills, "you look like shit."

My grip on the bottle tightened. I looked up at him. "When all of this is done, I never want to see your damn face again."

He laughed. "We both know that's a lie. You and me? We need each other."

"The only thing you need is some damn therapy."

"Ah, Toru," he dismissed me with a smirk, "you'll come crawling back soon enough. We both know how this works."

With that, he was gone. I was left alone in the echoing silence, the pill bottle a burning weight in my hand. The world seemed to sway around me, my eyelids growing heavy.

The will to fight simply wasn't there anymore.

─── ·✧· ───

Cruel. 

Cruel how one little pill can undo everything. 

Cruel how one little pill can silence everything. 

Cruel how one damn pill can soften the world, make it — bearable, almost.

Unfair. 

It's truly unfair.

The screaming under my skin, that relentless itch — it's still there, but it had dulled to a faint hum, pushed back by the familiar numbness.

Finally.

Oh, finally some fucking silence.

I let out a shaky breath. It wasn't peace, not really. I knew that all too well. Borrowed time, each second ticking closer to the inevitable crash, the return of that relentless screaming in my head.

But for now, it'll have to be enough.

I collapsed on the couch, smoke curling lazily before my eyes.

I knew I shouldn't mix opioids with cannabis. That's something they teach you within the first year of university. What I used to teach students within the first year of university.

What a hypocrite I am really.

Another drag — harsh, burning down my throat. 

The urge to close my eyes, to sink into oblivion, was almost overwhelming. But sleep wouldn't bring respite. Only nightmares. I knew that only too well.

So, I lay there, staring up at the ceiling.

It really came down to me failing again, huh?

What was it now?

Attempt number five? 

Six?

I started losing count.

Maybe this was my fate.

A broken record, stuck on the same damn track.

Deep down, under the chemical haze, guilt gnawed at me. It was a dull ache now, no longer the searing pain of earlier, but a constant, insidious reminder. 

She were out there, her life forever marked by my choices, while I was — here. Hiding in a haze of pills and smoke.

God, I hoped Suguru was looking after her. Making sure she ate, making sure she was safe — that she didn't hate me too much.

I brought the joint to my lips again, the smoke curling up towards the ceiling. It left an acrid taste in my mouth.

I watched my hand for a second.

Bloodied earlier, the wounds had scabbed over, the blood dried. It was perfectly still now, the trembling smoothed out by the chemicals in my blood. 

I clenched it into a fist, then unclenched, watching the movement like it belonged to someone else.

Traitor.

This body was a traitor — betrayed myself, betrayed her, betrayed everything I held dear.

Weak. 

Broken.

A pathetic mess.

Was that it?

Living as a slave to these chemicals to patch up my crumbling sanity one day at a time? 

Chained to pills, each dawn a ticking clock until the next dose, until I could silence the screaming for a few damn hours?

My eyes locked onto the half-empty vial on the table. 

Took too many, didn't I?

I knew that, even through the haze. But a cold certainty twisted in my gut. There'd be more. Always more. Until there was nothing left.

Before I could think, I threw another down my throat. Bad idea, probably, after a few clean days.

Suddenly, the haze warped, twisting into nausea. Bile rose in my throat.

I lurched to my feet, the world tilting precariously with each step. Surfaces rippled, the bathroom light stabbing into my skull.

I barely made it. My stomach heaved. Each retch wracked my body, leaving me gasping, weak.

Too many. 

Way too many.

How the hell did I forget? Forget my body's limits? Somehow, I felt like some reckless student again, stumbling through experiments, blind to the consequences.

Stupid. So damn stupid.

Darkness swam at the edges of my vision.  Another wave of nausea, and I was back, hunched over the toilet. 

I hauled myself up, hands shaking, clinging to the sink. In the mirror, a stranger stared back. Eyes bloodshot, a sheen of sweat coating his skin.

This wasn't me anymore.

I splashed cold water on my face, trying to wash away the acid burn. Didn't help. Drops of water ran down my face, felt like they were melting the damn skin off.

My knees buckled. I slid down the wall, my head heavy against the tile wall. 

The bathroom light, needles in my brain moments ago, seemed impossibly distant now. Each breath was a ragged gasp, each pulse a dull throb in my temples.

I waited for it to pass, the nausea, the haze. But as minutes crawled by, a new, searing pain gnawed at me.

My fingers trembled against my abdomen, pressing into the tender spot. Liver, of course. 

Wrecked it, just like the rest of me. I'd known the risks, had ignored the warnings, and now my body was demanding payment.

How pathetic.

Darkness gnawed at the edges of my vision, pushing back against the stubborn spots of light. My head felt heavy, detached from my body. Arms and legs useless.

Each breath a battle I wasn't sure I'd win.

Time warped. Stretching, then snapping, leaving me floating in nausea and pain. Then I heard something — muffled, distant. Footsteps, getting closer.

My eyes struggled to make sense of the shifting shadows.

Then, a voice. Soft, achingly familiar. I couldn't make out the words, but the warmth of it—

I knew that voice — would always recognize it.

Cold water hit my skin. Hands, gentle, but firm, on my face. I strained to focus, to see her, to soak in the sight I needed, yet feared more than anything.

Oh, how desperately I needed to see her. Needed her to be real.

But my eyes betrayed me.

She must be so beautiful. She always was.

Then, a touch on my outstretched leg, a flash of metal — was that a scalpel?

Agony ripped through me, shattering the haze. I jerked back, my scream ragged against the tiles. My head slammed back with sickening force.

Before I knew it, a needle pierced my skin.

The room spun as whatever she'd injected battled the comfortable blur of the pills. Nausea churned in my stomach, the numbness receding with terrifying speed.

Groaning, I shifted on the floor.

My vision sharpened, my senses returning with brutal clarity. 

The first thing I noticed was the metallic glint of the discarded syringe beside my leg. 

Then the cut, a ragged gash through the fabric of my dress pants where she'd stabbed the needle in — the unnecessarily deep and brutal cut — but in the chaos, I let it slide. Didn't even register the pain as I watched the blood drain from the cut. 

I reached for the syringe and read the label. 

Adrenaline. 

Smart girl. 

But as I turned it over, a frown creased my brow. Two fucking milliliters? Was she trying to give me a damn heart attack?

I lifted my head, the question burning on my tongue. But the words died unspoken as my gaze locked on hers. 

She stood there, just a few feet away, her breath ragged, her eyes — those pretty eyes.

Terror. 

There was raw, unadulterated terror etched in her eyes. But I was right. She looked as beautiful as ever. Even with those terror-stricken eyes she was breathtaking.

She stumbled back, slumping against the wall opposite of me with a choked gasp, pulling her knees up. I didn't move, couldn't move, my gaze locked with hers.

The terror faded slowly, replaced by a weariness that was far worse. 

For a fleeting moment, I saw a flicker of that familiar defiance, the spark I both loved and feared. But even that felt strangely muted now, as if even the energy to fight had been drained out of her.

She simply watched me. In silence, in that devastating silence.

How I hated her silence.

Because her silence was far worse than anything she could have screamed, any insult she could have hurled my way. Her stillness, her silence, was the most terrifying weapon she'd ever wielded against me.

And for the first time in a very long time, I was truly afraid.

Time stretched, then I choked out, "You're angry."

Her answer was blunt, devoid of emotion. "Oh really? What makes you think that?"

I glanced down. Blood still seeped from the gash in my leg. With a trembling hand, I fumbled for a towel and pressed it against the wound. "Your cut is kinda deep. Was that on purpose?"

She didn't say anything.

It probably was on purpose.

My gaze fell on the syringe. "Where'd you get that?"

"What happened to your hand?"

"I asked first."

"Don't try to play games now, Satoru. You're walking on thin fucking ice," she snapped.

"Shattered some glass," I said after a pause ", and punched Sukuna."

"Stole it from the hospital."

"What?"

"You think I'd date an addict and not have adrenaline on hand?"

My lips twitched into a weary smile. Oh my beautiful, brilliant girl, always prepared.

"But you know, two milliliters is a bit much." I moved my leg slightly to check if she had cut any tendons, which would complicate the healing a bit. "Or are you trying to kill me?"

Her gaze pierced me, colder than any scalpel. "Looks like you're doing a fine job of that yourself."

My smile faded.

Silence.

Oh, that cruel silence again.

She didn't say anything. Maybe I should be thankful for that, because if she said anything now, I'd probably crumble completely — if I haven't already.

Ironic, wasn't it? 

How much power this woman had over me. 

Yet it was me who destroyed her.

She dropped her head, ran a shaking hand through her hair, then looked at me again. "How much did you take?"

Huh?

Why would she ask that?

Didn't she see that it's over?

That I'm too far gone?

It was unbearable.

It was unbearable, how she could still look at me and see someone worth saving. It was unbearable, knowing she believed in me even when I didn't. 

Almost pissed me off, how stubbornly she clung to that stupid hope. Because seeing that hope in her eyes — it made me hate myself even more.

I wouldn't change, couldn't. Not for her, not for anyone.

"Doesn't matter. It's over."

"Satoru, please," she choked out, pain raw in her voice, the pain I caused, "cut the crap and tell me. Now."

"It doesn't matter," I repeated, my voice cold. I couldn't bear the flicker of hope, couldn't bear to fail her yet again.

Then, the first tear rolled down her cheek and my heart shattered, the fragments piercing me from within. 

I'd never wanted to be the reason those beautiful eyes filled with pain, the reason her sweet lips trembled. Every fiber of my being wanted to pull her close, erase the hurt I'd caused.

I would have given anything, sacrificed anything, if only I could make it stop.

But I couldn't.

Because I was the problem. I was the poison.

She buried her face in her hands. "I'm tired, Satoru."

"I know."

"I'm so fucking tired," she whispered through tears.

"I know, love."

My eyes burned as I watched her fragile body shudder. Each sob of her driving a stake deeper into my already bleeding heart. I bit my lip until I tasted blood. 

I hated myself, hated myself, hated myself, hated myself, hated myself because — because I was the reason for all of this. 

She'd never wanted this, never wanted to fall in love with me to begin with, but I dragged her into it anyway.

Because I was selfish. 

Knew how it would end.

And now, I could only watch — only watch in this unbearable silence as the woman I loved wept over the man I hated. 

"It's for the best, believe me—"

"No," she cut me off.  "You're sacrificing me for this—this reputation of mine you think matters. It doesn't. I don't want any of it without you. I don't want a future where you're not in it."

She looked up then, eyes red and filled with unshed tears. "Because I love you, Satoru."

What?

The words turned my blood to ice.

After everything — the lies, the ways I'd hurt her, the desperate attempts to push her away — there it was, the confession I'd craved and feared in equal measure.

My heart was being ripped apart and stitched back together again in that very moment — vulnerable and yet so unbearably full. 

She loved me, she said it.

She loves me.

She loves me.

And I love her.

God, how I loved her. More than I thought possible.

I've never once loved in my entire life. 

Not until her. 

Not until she changed me completely. 

What is that, anyway? Love?

How can I possible describe the type of feeling I feel when I'm with her? How can I ever convey the words when they are not even clear to me? 

How cruel it is. How utterly cruel the type of feeling is, that she makes me feel.

Because how could I ever live without it.

Not when she showed me how to breathe.

How to live.

How could I ever go back to what I was before her — was there even something before her?

Not when she showed me how to breathe.

With her.

For her. 

Because she is the air that fills my lungs.

The pulse that keeps me alive.

And nothing can ever change that. So how could I ever go back to what I was before? 

Oh, how she tortures me, tortures me with feelings I rather not feel, tortures me with her love that I deserve so little. 

Nothing. 

I deserve nothing and yet she gives me everything.

Why can't I give it back? What chains me, binds this rotten heart? Why does it fail me so cruelly to love her the way she deserves? 

Because she does. 

She deserves everything. 

She is everything. 

Yet there is only my own failure in loving her. I'm failing her again and again. I hurt her again and again. I hate myself, hate myself for the pain I cause her.

Still—

How can I let her go, when she's the only good thing in my life? 

It is selfish, selfish to say the least, to want to keep her close when all I do is fail her.

Her tears were molten iron searing my insides. But I clench my jaw, refusing to let them break me. If she saw weakness, she might hesitate. Might stay and continue to be broken by me. 

Every fiber of my being wanted nothing more than to reach out, to comfort her, to tell her it would all be okay.

More lies for a heart that deserved nothing but the truth. So I swallowed down the love threatening to spill from my lips. 

I would give her anything, my life, the last shreds of my sanity — except the one thing she asked for, the only thing she ever ask for. 

Because loving her, truly loving her, meant letting her go. Even if it destroys me.

"I spare you," I rasped.

"No." She slowly shook her head. "You're killing me. Can't you see?" There was a cold edge in her voice now. "You're killing me."

"I can't change. Love isn't enough. I can't stop."

"You're the only one who thinks that." Her reply held a flicker of her old, beautiful defiance, a defiance I loved so dearly. "I'd follow you anywhere, Satoru. Even if you can't get clean, then so be it. I don't care. I won't leave you."

The sincerity in her voice was a blow, a beautiful, terrible blow. Complete, unwavering acceptance of who I was, in all my brokenness.

And in that moment, I finally realized. 

It wasn't about saving her. It was about saving myself from the terrifying vulnerability her love demanded. From the weakness that threatened to drown me if I let her in.

Perhaps I'm just a coward after all.

My heart was too damn small, too messed up. Of course I had to push her out, deny her the love she offered so freely — because it terrified me.

Her love terrified me.

"I can't do this to you," I choked out, the words scraping my throat raw. "You deserve—" I swallowed, the words catching in my throat. "You deserve better." 

"Better?" She leaned forward slightly. "You are my better."

Oh, love, that's not true.

You are my better. I'm your worst.

I wanted to say that, should've said that.

But I remained silent, unable to say anything. 

"Say something, Satoru." 

I couldn't, simply couldn't. Because mere words were too hollow, too insignificant against the depth of her pain.

"Say something, damn it!" 

"It will get easier someday," I chocked out. Each word felt like a stone I was forcing down my own throat. Each word empty — we both knew it.

"Is that what you hope for?"

"I have to."

She closed her mouth. Her silence more devastating than any scream. She didn't explode, as I half-expected. Instead, she straightened, her movements slow, weary.

I watched her, unable to move, unable to look away, as a horrifying realization bloomed across her face. It wasn't anger, wasn't sadness — it was a terrible understanding.

She knew. She always knew.

Perhaps that's what I hated about her the most.

"That's it?" she asked.

"That's it."

She watched me.  Not in anger, but with chilling detachment. Her eyes, usually so filled with warmth, were now as distant as those of a stranger. 

Still, I burned the image into my soul, knowing it might be the last time.

Then, without another word, she turned. And walked away.

When she finally disappeared from sight, a wave of crushing despair washed over me. It wasn't just the loneliness. It was the terrifying certainty that there was no going back from this. 

I had destroyed the best thing in my life — a sacrifice she didn't even ask for.

But then again, my sacrifice is really only an illusion after all, masking a desperate, terrified selfishness.

Because I'm selfish.

I do love her.  Gods, how I love her. 

But my fear was stronger.

And I was too damn weak to fight it.

─── ·✧· ───

Four weeks.

Was it four weeks?

I can't remember.

Time — it didn't tick or flow anymore. 

It was a shapeless thing. Punctuated only by the empty thump of my heart in this wrecked chest.

Those first days — or weeks, who knows? — they melted together in a haze. After she left, I was — raw. One giant exposed nerve.  

Each damn breath without the pills felt like scraping sandpaper across it, a reminder  of what I'd lost — no, what I'd destroyed.

So I was barely sober.

My body didn't even protest. At first, it was almost — nice? The rush, the way it wiped out not just the pain but any thought at all.

But the crash was always brutal. Mornings, if you could even call it that, I'd wake up shaking, sick to my stomach, and terrified of — what was I even terrified of? Somehow of everything and nothing at all. But I knew the fix for that. 

It was a sick, relentless cycle.

The phone rang, vibrated with messages. Suguru mostly. His messages growing more urgent with each unanswered text. Liver issues. Treatment. Something about irreversible damage.   

It was all white noise compared to the screaming in my head.

Her name, though, cut through the haze.

There were nights — or was it days? — when a desperate, clawing need to hear her voice, to see her face, would rise up in me. I'd reach for the phone, fingers hovering above her name. Then the fear would crush that impulse. 

I knew that reaching out to her would be the final act of cruelty.

So I stumbled on, each day collapsing into the next. 

Until the next semester started and I remembered I had an actual job.

─── ·✧· ───

I stood in the corridor outside the auditorium.

My fingers fumbled with the familiar pill bottle. Just enough to numb the edge, get me through the lecture. With a bitter swallow, I tilted the pill into my palm, chasing it down dry.

Four weeks. Four weeks of barely holding it together, four weeks since I almost OD'd, four weeks since she left, and the weight of it all threatened to crush me at any moment. 

Yet, muscle memory took over.

I limped slightly as I walked into the auditorium. My leg still hurt after she basically cut my muscle in half. 

She definitely did that on purpose. She was too smart not to not know what she was doing.

The usual chatter died down when I walked in.  Old routine. Time for the performance. Pretend I'm the professor, pretend like this whole thing isn't ripping me apart, piece by piece. It should have been comforting. 

Once, perhaps, it was.

Wordlessly, I grabbed a marker, scrawled my name on the board. Like they didn't already know who I was, right? 

Everyone on campus knows, especially after this summer's mess.

With a sigh, I turned towards the class.

And there she was. 

My breath hitched, the marker clattering to the floor. My lips parted, but no words came.

Of course.

Of fucking course. 

Second-year lecture. 

How the hell could I forget that?

She was here, after everything, right in front of me. The pain of the past weeks, that suffocating emptiness — it all melted away, replaced by a pounding headache in that one instant.

My eyes clung to her, unable to look away, drinking in the sight of her. That stubborn tilt of her head, the pain in those beautiful eyes — God, how I'd missed her. 

Yet with every beat of my yearning heart came a fresh wave of guilt. I longed to reach out, to apologize, to tell her how much I'd missed her. 

But I knew it was wrong. 

Then, it hit me. Every eye in the room was on her, following my gaze like a spotlight burning into her. Damn it.

Still, she didn't flinch.

Endured it like she has always endured everything.

Clearing my throat, I managed to speak as I adverted my gaze. "So, uh, let's start the lecture."

My voice echoed in the now tense auditorium, words tumbling out in a forced attempt at normalcy. The lecture blurred. My own words were just noise in my head. I pushed through the lecture. Don't even remember what I lectured about.

It was routine, should have been easy, but — not with her there. Never with her. 

Every damn minute, my eyes flicked towards her, drawn like a magnet. I couldn't help it. Because all I could see was her. But she avoided my gaze.

Should've expected that.

Shouldn't make me angry, right?

Still did.

Finally, thank god, the bell rang. 

I let out a breath I didn't even know I was holding.

I remained behind my desk and gathered my notes. Students surged towards the exit, a faceless blur of motion. My traitorous gaze remained locked on her as the auditorium slowly emptied.

She and her friends passed by me. Before I could even think, the words tumbled out, "Wait, not—not you, first-year."

Silence. 

Her friend's chatter halted abruptly. I hadn't meant to say it, hadn't thought before the desperate need to speak to her had short-circuited my brain.

Now, it was done.

Her eyes, those beautiful eyes, met mine. For a moment, time seemed to stand still. 

Her friends exchanged glances. I could feel Zenin glaring daggers at me, didn't even need to look. She'd always been fiercely protective.

"I'll catch up later," she said then to her friends, a strained smile plastered on her face. 

They left, leaving us alone in the vast, suddenly suffocating auditorium.

Silence again.

My heart hammered against my ribs, so loud I feared she could hear it.

Finally, she spoke. "You know I'm not a first-year anymore."

I rounded the desk, the wood rough against my fingertips. "Yeah, right. Sorry." Leaning against it, I crossed my arms.

"Didn't you get suspended?"

"They postponed it."

She watched me for a moment, those beautiful eyes drilling into me. Her eyes held a coldness I've never seen before. For a sickening moment, I thought I might throw up.

"How are you?"

"Don't," she snapped. "Don't ask me that. Don't you dare pretend to care after—" 

She stopped herself, the silence louder than any accusation. After everything you did. After you pushed me away. After you nearly killed yourself.

She didn't need to voice it.

My hands clenched into fists against the edge of my desk, nails digging into my palms in a futile attempt to ground myself. Needed to maintain this thin illusion of control.

I do care. Dammit, I care more than you'll ever know. 

I wanted to scream it, to tear open my chest and show her the bleeding wound she'd left behind. But the words stuck in my throat. 

Pointless now, anyway.

Knuckles turned white, nails digging deeper.

She stepped closer. Her hand darted into her bag, then shot out, palm open. Keys glinted in the harsh light — the keys to my apartment. 

I watched them for a second. Should've expected that. Shouldn't hurt me. Still did.

"You don't have to return them. I want you to keep them."

"Why? I won't need them anymore, will I? Or are you planning on overdosing again?"

Each word was acid on an open wound.

I deserved this, the anger, the contempt, it was all on me. But why the hell did it make me so fucking angry?

"Have you ever thought about how I felt when I found you?" she snapped, her voice rising. "How terrified I was when you wouldn't respond? When you couldn't even recognize me? When I thought you'd die on me?" She took a shaky breath. "Fuck Satoru, I held your face in my hands while you were barely breathing!"

I tried to speak, but she cut me off.  "Don't. You. Dare."

"Four weeks," she went on, her voice sharp, laced with a fury that cut to the bone. "Four weeks of silence. Ever think I might be drowning, haunted by what I saw? Or were you too busy numbing yourself with pills? Hell, I didn't even know if you'd overdosed for good this time!"

Her words hit me cold, but they weren't the storm tearing me apart. It was the image of her, terrified, holding my barely-alive body, that ripped my insides out. 

Those eyes — her eyes filled with a terror that was all because of me. The guilt choked me. Seeing my near-death through her haunted eyes is twisted a knife in my gut.

It was the look of someone who'd had a piece of her soul ripped out. 

It was the look of someone who loved me.

"But then again, you never cared about me, did you?" she added, the raw hurt bleeding beneath the anger.

My stomach twisted. "Don't you dare say that," I rasped, the words ripping from my throat. "I care so much it damn near killed me. You were the only thing keeping me alive, the only reason I fought at all! Don't you dare say I don't—" I choked, the pain unbearable.

The room seemed to tilt, my anger threatening to consume me. 

I took a step towards her, closing the distance in one move. We were so close, I could smell her damn shampoo. "Every damn thing I did, every stupid decision—it was all because I care about you too much."

Her eyes widened. But only for a second. Then, that cold defiance was back, and it cut deep. 

"You're really pathetic, you know that?" she spat. "You talk about caring, but in the end you threw everything away. Because you are too terrified to let yourself love me. Because apparently your own damn peace is worth more than me."

Her words were knives, finding their mark with cruel efficiency. 

"Shut up," I whispered. "You know nothing."

"Oh really?" She glared at me, "then let me paint the picture for you—the minute things got difficult, the second you had to face actual consequences for your actions, you used it as an excuse to back away. Shut yourself down."

She moved closer still. "Convenient, wasn't it? Pushing me away, destroying us—it absolved you from having to confront anything real."

Her accusations hit uncomfortably close to home.

And I didn't want to hear it from her lips.

Not from hers.

"Shut up," I growled.

"Don't you dare tell me to shut up," she snapped back, her voice rising. "You don't get to play the victim here. You did this. You ruined everything."

Fury ignited, not at her, but at myself. 

Blindly, I reached out, my fingers gripping her jaw so tight it bordered on violence. I forced her to look at me, my eyes burning into hers. "Shut up, or I swear to god, I'll make you."

Her chin lifted, eyes narrowing. "I dare you."

The words set me on fire. Every rational thought, every vestige of self-preservation was devoured by a sudden, desperate need. My gaze fell to her lips, slightly parted, a vulnerable target I craved to claim.

Without even thinking, my hand went to her waist, fingers digging in as I pulled her impossibly close. My other hand tangled in her hair, forcing her head back. Our eyes locked, some kind of messed-up challenge.

I could feel her rapid breaths on my skin, smell that damn perfume of hers that I'd always loved, but now was driving me to the edge of control. Her heart pounding against mine.

Everything in me screamed to close the distance, claim those lips that had haunted me, haunted me for weeks. 

I wanted to claim her, to silence her, to lose myself in her, but my last shred of sanity held me back.

Because pushing her further into my nightmare was the ultimate act of cruelty. 

"Uncomfortable, isn't it? Getting confronted with the ugly truth?" she whispered against my lips.

My grip on her tightened. She really didn't know when to stop, or maybe she simply wanted to watch me burn. Perhaps both.

"Don't push me."

"Why? Scared of what you'll find if you let yourself be honest for once?" Her head tilted. Her gaze was fire, and I was already ash. "You run, Satoru. From everything, but most of all, from yourself."

"And that," she leaned closer, almost brushing my lips, "is what makes you the most pathetic person I know."

Oh, she could be so viciously cruel when she wanted to. So disgustingly cruel. It was one of the things I'd fallen hopelessly in love with. Even now, as it tore me apart, I still loved it. 

But I also wanted nothing more than to fuck that attitude out of her right then and there.

"You're right. You're always right. Maybe that's what's terrifies me about you so much."

"You're not terrified of me," she whispered. "You're terrified of yourself."

The air between us crackled. Every rational thought in my brain begged me to stop. Still, I couldn't resist. I inched closer, helpless against the force that binds and burns us both.

My hands tightened their hold as I took a sharp inhale. Her eyes fluttered shut, lashes trembling. 

Our lips hovered, almost touching, two aching souls suspended in that impossible space. So much unspoken words, so much hurt, and the destructive pull between us that had always tethered us together.

Then, the auditorium door creaked open. 

Her head snapped towards the sound. But I couldn't look away, wouldn't miss a second of her. Because this, right here, was all I had left.

Had to be Suguru anyway — anyone else would be screaming their heads off by now.

After a pause, she turned back at me. "You know, I'm still waiting."

"For what, love?"

"For it to get easier."

I looked at her, the woman I loved, and guilt clawed at my insides. That hurt, that anger on her face — I deserved it all. Because it was the consequence of the pain I'd caused.

"You said it would get easier," she added.

It was a lie. Nothing about this was easy. Nothing ever would be again. Suddenly, the room felt too small, the air thick and unbreathable.

"I don't know if it ever will."

Perhaps I was only meant to love her in silence.

In distance.

Because at least then I couldn't hurt her anymore.

Suguru cleared his throat. He stepped into the room, breaking the moment.

Reluctantly, I let go of her. She stepped back, eyes holding mine for a second, something flickering there that I didn't dare try to read. Then, without another word, she turned and walked away.

I watched her go.

Suguru approached me, stopping close by. He didn't say anything.

I leaned against the desk, running a hand through my hair. The adrenaline from that almost-kiss crashed, leaving behind a hollow ache.

The sound of the door slamming behind her echoed in the empty auditorium, way too loud.

Suguru's hand landed on my shoulder. 

"You really have a thing for bad timing," I muttered.

"Bad timing," he echoed, "or good timing to stop you from doing something stupid?"

I didn't answer. The memory of her, so close, choked every thought out of my mind.

"You know it was the right thing to do. With everything going on, letting her go was the right decision."

"I know," I said, pushing off the desk and rounding it to gather my things. I couldn't meet his gaze. "I'm trying to remember that."

Suguru then started placing pill bottles on the desk with a serious expression. The first clink of plastic on wood cut through the silence. 

"Prednisone for the liver inflammation." Another bottle. "Lactulose for the hepatic encephalopathy." Then another. "Vitamin B and K for the nutritional deficiencies."

"But you know the first step would be to—" he paused for a second then placed another two bottles in from of me. "Methadone, to manage the withdrawal and craving. And Naltrexone, to block the euphoric effects of your opioids."

Hesitantly, another bottle appeared. "Clonidine, in case you feel like you're dying."

"Suguru—" I began, but he cut me off.

"Satoru, you have to get clean. The pills won't do a damn thing if you keep wrecking your liver."

"Yeah, it's a little late for that, don't you think? It's the only thing keeping me sane right now."

He sighed.  "You're the absolute worst patient ever."

"Aw, come on, I thought you liked a bit of challenge. You're the best doctor, you'll figure something out."  I rummaged through my bag, pulling out a folder.

"Even the best doctor on earth can't help if you don't—"

I shoved the folder across the desk, cutting him off. "What's this?"

"It's a patient. An anyeurism. I'm still not allowed to do surgery, not until this thing with the ethics committee is over."

Suguru opened the folder, flipping through the pages.  "You want me to do it?  Is there something special about this patient?"

"I want you to take her with you," I said quietly. "She likes aneurysm clippings."

Suguru looked up, that familiar crease between his brows.  "She'll figure it out. Sooner or later. Latest when you're in the hospital waiting for a liver transplant, not lecturing anymore."

Silence stretched. My eyes fell on the pill bottles lined up on the desk. 

I sighed, then gathered them and crammed them into my bag.  "Let's go. I need fresh fair," I said as I brushed past him, putting the withdrawal meds back into his hands.

Without another word, I left the auditorium.

─── ·✧· ───

My eyes snapped open.

I sat upright, a strangled gasp tearing from my throat. My heart hammered against my ribs, each beat threatening to burst right out of my chest. 

For a disorienting second, the world was a blur. Sweat drenched my skin. My lungs screamed for air.

Damn nightmares. 

Another night of that shit. 

I clutched at my chest, trying to quell the frantic pounding. Cold sweat made my shirt cling to my skin. The room spun. My pulse thundered in my ears.

I fumbled for the lamp, the sudden brightness stinging my eyes. But it didn't chase away the image seared into my brain. Her face, cruel, beautiful, cruelly beautiful, twisted in absolute terror. My stomach twisted.

My fault. 

Always my fault.

I couldn't breathe right.

Sleep was a lost cause now. First decent rest in a week, and my brain decided to torment me again. Exhaustion was its own kind of hell, but it was nothing compared to this. That, more than anything, was the real torture.

I slumped forward, scrubbing a hand over my face.

I'd hurt her. 

I'd hurt her, the one person who meant something.

Every day, it felt more like I'd made the biggest mistake of my life. Letting her go, pushing her away, I—

I hated myself. 

Hated the way I ruined everything.

Hated the way I ruined every chance at something good. 

It was like a damn curse.

Nothing good ever lasted for me. I should've known that by now.

Damn it, I knew it was wrong. But how the hell could it be wrong when it'd felt so damn right? When she was the only thing, the only person, that cut through the crap, made this whole mess seem like it might have some sort of meaning?

How could that possibly be wrong?

Guilt ate at my insides. Had I been a damn coward? Too scared to fight for something that made me feel, really feel?

Perhaps.

Easier to push her away, sabotage the whole damn thing, than risk actually letting her in. Letting anyone in. Losing control. But it didn't matter now, did it? 

It was over. 

I needed out. Out of my head, out of this apartment, out of my own damn skin. 

The silence was unbearable.

I pushed off the bed, muscles screaming in protest. I slipped into running clothes, the routine automatic. As I laced up my shoes, a sharp sting shot through my leg from the still-healing cut on my leg.

That bitch. 

The more I thought about it, the more sure I was she'd done it on purpose.

Good thing I was addicted to painkillers, huh?

I drowned a pill — no two, for good measure — before stepping outside into the pre-dawn chill. 

Cold autumn air bit at my skin. Each step echoed on the empty street. The pills kicked in, dulling the sharp pain in my leg. Good. Long as the cut didn't split open, I didn't damn care.

I pushed myself, needing the burn in my muscles, the ache in my lungs, to drown out the constant echo of her voice, her name, in my head.

The world blurred. Streetlights, shadows, it all melded together. The only reality was the ache in my body, the cold air forcing its way into my lungs. My mind, for once, was mercifully blank. 

No nightmares, no guilt, no memories of her haunted eyes — just the simple focus on putting one foot in front of the other.

I didn't set a goal, didn't choose a destination. 

Just moving, pushing, escaping.

Sweat dripped, but I barely registered. With each mile, the crushing weight eased. Not gone, hell, not even close to forgotten, but  — manageable. 

I ran until the city was a smear of lights, until my legs burned and my lungs screamed. 

Finally, gasping for breath, legs threatening to give out, I stumbled to a halt. The neon lights of a Seven Eleven cut through the pre-dawn darkness. My throat was sandpaper. I pushed through the door.

Inside, the harsh lights stung my eyes. I grabbed a water, my body on autopilot as I shuffled toward the register. The bored-looking teenager behind the counter gave me a sidelong look as I fumbled for my wallet.

"Rough night?"

"Something like that." I glanced down at my leg, the still-healing cut a visible red line. Wincing, I shifted my weight, favoring the uninjured side. 

I pulled out my card to pay, but then a flash of color caught my eye. Beside the cashier's register, stacked in a gaudy pyramid, was a display of energy drinks. I starred at them for a second, the name oddly familiar.

I knew why the name was so familiar.

I reached for a can and placed it on the counter. "And this."

Outside, I downed the water in a matter of seconds. Then, I cracked open the energy drink. The first sip hit my tongue. Surprisingly, it didn't taste half-bad without a shot of stale coffee to ruin it. 

But the taste wasn't the problem, wasn't it? 

Memories flooded back. Her, hunched over a massive anatomy textbook in the dim library, those beautiful eyes ringed with exhaustion. Beside her, half-empty, a mug of coffee — spiked with the sickeningly sweet energy drink I currently held.

Just the thought of that awful mixture made my stomach turn.

Still, a smile tugged at my lips.

Dammit, I didn't want to think about her. But to be fair, thinking, not thinking — it was all the same. The dull, constant ache of her absence throbbed beneath it all.

I chugged the rest of the energy drink, crushing the can in my hand.

Ah, fuck it.

Before my sanity could interfere, my legs were in motion.

I knew this was wrong. Knew every step took me closer to more pain. Knew all along this was stupid, reckless — inevitable. 

I couldn't stop.

The pull towards her was too damn strong. I needed to see her, to confirm her existence, to know she was real, to fix — what? What the hell could I fix? What the hell did I even think I was doing?

Finally, gasping for breath, I stumbled to a halt outside her apartment building.

A glance at my watch confirmed the hour — well past 3 am. Insane. I hadn't expected her to be awake. Just needed the pathetic reassurance of her presence. But as I looked up, my breath hitched. 

In a second-floor window, a flicker of warm light spilled into the darkness. And there, etched against that warmth — her silhouette. Unmistakable.

A heavy exhale escaped my lips. 

She was there.

Here.

On this same cursed world with me.

My heart pounded against my ribs. I knew, I had no right to be here. But god, I needed this, needed to see her.

She sat on the windowsill, book in hand. My future wife. Even in the dead of night, she was studying. How I loved her.

My gaze traced the familiar curve of her shoulders, the way the soft lamplight painted her skin with warmth, highlighting the strands of hair escaping her messy bun. 

In that stolen moment, I could almost convince myself that things were different, that my actions hadn't irrevocably shattered something precious.

But then, she moved. Rising from her seat, she stretched, drawing the fabric of her shirt upwards. Before my mind could catch up, she was at the window, pushing it open. I froze.

She was staring down — right at me. 

Shit.

I held my breath. For what felt like an eternity, we simply stared at each other. A muscle in her jaw twitched. Then her gaze dropped, breaking eye contact.

"You're bleeding."

I glanced down. The edge of my shorts was soaked through, a fresh stain of crimson spreading. Damn it. The cut had reopened.

"Yeah," I said, looking back up at her, "I'm a mess."

I braced myself for whatever was coming. The anger, the disgust, the righteous fury — it would all be justified. I deserved it. But she simply watched me. Her gaze was steady, devoid of emotion. 

"You know where the entrance is," she said finally, then leaned back into the soft glow of her room and closed the window shut.

Before my brain could catch up with how wrong this was, I walked toward the apartment building.

─── ·✧· ───

I sat on the edge of her bed, she on a chair in front of me, her hands already on my leg as she pushed the fabric of my shorts up. "How could you not notice that?"

I opened my mouth, but she cut me off, "Wait, forget it." 

Yeah. Now she remembered.

With practiced efficiency, she began cleaning the wound. Her touch was surprisingly gentle, considering how pissed she must be. 

The silence was heavy, broken only by the rustle of bandages and my occasional  sharp intake of breath when the antiseptic hit a raw spot.

My eyes wandered. Her space, even small and half-finished, felt warm, lived in. Smelled like her. Books spilling everywhere, papers scattered on a desk, a yoga mat forgotten in the corner — the organized chaos was so perfectly her.

Then my gaze landed on the half-unpacked boxes stacked against the wall. She really still didn't fully move in. Occupied with my mess, huh? 

Guilt flooded me. I didn't deserve this, didn't deserve her gentle hands on me, not after everything. 

Yet, a selfish part of me wanted nothing more than to stay exactly like this, wanted nothing more than to keep her hands on me.

With a sigh, I sank back against her pillows. Exhaustion seeped into my bones. Pain returned as the effects of the pills wore off.

Her fingers brushed the reopened cut. I winced, throwing an arm over my eyes. The relentless pounding in my head threatened to split me open, spilling all the ugly thoughts onto her pristine sheets.

"You've had nightmares again, haven't you?"

Huh? 

I lifted my head a fraction, struggling to meet her eyes. She glanced up briefly, her eyes guarded, then focused back on my leg.

"Yeah, something like that." My head thumped back onto the pillow. "Hard to sleep when your head won't shut up."

"What dose?"

"You really don't want to know."

"I asked because I do," she countered. The sharp tug as she tightened the bandage around my leg was enough to make me speak.

"Ten milligrams," I admitted, wincing. "The usual."

She scoffed, then another, even sharper, tug had me gritting my teeth. "Ngh—fuck," I moaned. 

I really needed a pill now.

She stood, gathering the first-aid supplies. "Heals slowly, doesn't it?"

I knew it.

I popped myself up on one elbow, raising an eyebrow at her. 

"Don't give me that look. You know damn well you deserved it."

I let out a dry laugh. "You really are a bitch sometimes." I dropped back onto the bed, my hand reaching for my throbbing head. 

I needed two pills now.

"You've got some damn nerve. You show up here in the middle of the night, injured, high—"

"I'm not high—"

"Save it," she spat. "You know what your fucking problem is? You can't stand being alone. Alone with your thoughts, with yourself. So you run. You run to pills, to whatever distraction you can find, anything to fill the void."

Yeah, how the hell am I supposed to want to be alone after feeling what it's like to be with you, stupid.

"You're too damn scared to face your fears," she continued, her voice laced with a bitter edge, "and when someone threatens your artificial peace, someone who might actually force you to look in the damn mirror, you panic. You sabotage it, push them away before it all gets too real, too close."

She stepped closer. "Because it's easier, isn't it? Safer to stick with the misery you know than risk having to face that void."

Every word stung, but I couldn't deny it, couldn't lie anymore.

"You're right. And I'm sorry—"

"Don't." She rose a hand at me. "Don't pretend you care, Satoru. You've made it clear how little I matter."

How little you matter? 

Oh, love, you couldn't be more wrong.

A harsh laugh escaped me. 

"You find this funny?"

"No, love," I said, pushing myself up. My leg throbbed in protest, but I ignored it. Everything narrowed down to her. I moved closer, a strange recklessness fueling me. "Quite the opposite."

Something flickered in her eyes — surprise? wariness? — but the anger remained.

"Keep going," I insisted, moving closer. "Let it out. Yell at me, tell me how pathetic I am. Make me feel something, anything other than this damn emptiness."

She hesitated. Her eyes searched mine, and for a breathless moment, I hoped that her fury, her anger, would burn away the numbness, making me feel something, anything.

Because even her anger was better than her indifference.

I couldn't stand being indifferent to her.

Might as well make her hate me.

"You want me to yell at you?" Her voice rose, the first hint of the storm I craved. "Fine! You wanna be a pathetic mess? Go ahead! Piss away your career, your life, whatever the hell you care about, I don't give a damn anymore!"

Each word hit me, but there was a desperate relief in it. Finally, she wasn't looking at me with that chilling indifference, that cold pity that twisted a knife in my gut. 

Her rage, it was fire — scorching and brutal, but alive. And I loved it.

Because it was prove she still cared, even if it was just to hate me with every fiber of her being. It was better than the void, that terrible chasm that had opened up between us after I'd pushed her away.

I closed the distance, enjoying the anger in her eyes. She flinched, but didn't back down.

"More." I grabbed her waist, lifting her with ease, and hauled her towards the bed.

"You're weak!" she spat, pushing against my chest, her voice rising with each word.

Yeah, so damn weak for you, love.

"You're selfish! So consumed by your own self-pity you can't see how you hurt everyone around you!"

Her words should have hurt. They probably would have, under different circumstances. But right now, I couldn't care less.

"Keep going," I rasped, my pulse pounding in my ears. I forced her onto the bed and hovered over her, my body trapping her between the mattress and my own. "C'mon, love, let it all out."

"You don't deserve me," she continued. "You don't deserve anyone who gives a damn, because you only know how to destroy things."

Each word was a knife. Yet, with each insult, the suffocating hollowness inside me eased a fraction. I wanted her anger, the full force of it, wanted the burn only she could inflict on me.

"More."

Her breath hitched, eyes narrowing. "You keep breaking my heart over and over, then come crawling back when it suits you, like it doesn't matter!"

"You're right." I leaned in, my thumb brushing over her bottom lip. The thin fabric of her shirt did little to hide her shivers. "C'mon, love, give it to me. I know you can do better."

In one swift move, I ripped my shirt over my head, tossing it to the floor. I leaned down again, my breath ghosting over her lips. "Hate me." My hands went for the flimsy waistband of her shorts. "Tell me how much you despise me."

Her breaths came fast, quick gasps against my skin.  I could see it all over her face — the rage, the fear, and maybe — yeah, maybe that darker edge, the same desperation burning in me.

"I fucking hate you, Satoru. Hate that you made me care, made me fall for you, then crushed it."

"Don't stop," I said, my voice a hoarse rasp. "Say it again." Before she could react, her shorts were down, exposing her to the night air. My own pants followed hasty, desperate. "Say you hate me."

"I fucking hate that you treat me like I'm just another damn plaything to fill whatever void your messed-up mom or whatever left you with!"

Okay, now it gets personal.

"I fucking hate that you act like you can control me," she hissed, but her body betrayed her, shivered running down her skin as my hands gazed her collarbone. "Hate that you make my choices for me, decide what's good for me, like you got to have control over something when you obviously can't control yourself!"

Damn, Freud himself is on to something tonight, huh? She really doesn't know when to stop.

"You're a fucking hypocrite, you know that?" I leaned closer, my mouth close to her ear. "You hate who I am, but you crave this, don't you? Giving up control, being at my mercy. Admit it."

Her eyes widened, then narrowed. She lifted a hand, as if to slap me, but I was faster. I caught her wrists and pinned them above her head, pressing them hard into the mattress.

"You know it's true," I pressed, relishing the way she struggled against my hold. "It's hard always being the composed one, isn't it? The responsible one. It's draining. Maybe that's why you're drawn to me. You love the thrill as much as I do, don't you?"

She stared at me, silent, her lips a tight line. 

"Prove me wrong, sweetheart. Call me a liar, and I'll show you just how wrong you are," I leaned in closer, my voice a harsh whisper against her lips. "We're the same, you and me. We feed off each other. Even if you hate to admit it, I fill that emptiness inside you same as you do for me."

"You arrogant piece of shit!" she spat, twisting and bucking against my grip. "You think you know everything, control everything!"

"Don't I?" My grip tightened, feeling her pulse throb against my fingers. "Seems I've got you pinned pretty damn well, wouldn't you say?"

"You know it's true. You love this. Makes you feel something your books, your fancy grades never could."

"Screw you, Satoru," she hissed, venom in her voice. "We're nothing alike."

"You really are a fool, for wanting to fix something so broken it'll cut you to shreds the moment you get close and then you cry afterwards—"

Her spit hit my face. I closed my eyes for a second, then a smile twisted across my lips. 

My future wife just spit in my face — what a good anecdote on our wedding day.

"That's my girl," I rasped, shoving her legs wider. "Tell me how much you hate me. Scream it."

"I fucking hate you Satoru, I hate you—"

Her words died on her tongue as I thrust forward, filling her completely. I closed my eyes, letting my head hang heavy for a second. 

My god, the things this woman's body could do to me. I could feel her body trembling beneath me, her heart racing as she arched her back.

How treacherous a body can be, huh?

"Hate you, Satoru," she managed to say before she closed her eyes, biting down her lip as I thrust deeper still. Her thighs spread further apart, inviting me closer, urging me onward. 

She's so damn beautiful.

I grinned, my hands still holding her wrists in place over her head. "I know you do, love. But you know what?" My lips were only a breath away from hers. "I hate you, too. I hate how you make me feel, how you expose every broken piece of me, how I crave you like I crave another fix."

Hell, I might just be addicted to this woman.

I pulled out fully, before thrusting back into her. Her head fell back, pressing into the mattress as a strangled moan escaping her lips.

She felt incredible.

Pulling back slowly, I watched her body react to the absence, her eyes flickering open to meet mine. Those pupils dilated with need, mirroring my own hunger for her. 

In that moment, nothing else mattered. Not our fight. Not our problems. Not our insults that had left our lips moments before. Just us — two halves coming together in a perfect whole. 

I pushed back into her, deeper, harder.

With each thrust, I felt myself sinking deeper into her, losing myself in her. Fuck, if there was anything better than this — well, I hadn't found it yet.

This woman owned me — plain and simple.

It was madness, this pull towards her. 

Insane, perhaps.

But it was also undeniably real. So real that even though dawn threatened to break soon, stealing away whatever remnants of darkness remained, I couldn't help but chase after that high only she could provide.

Even knowing full well that when morning arrived, reality would crash down upon us, forcing us back onto opposite sides of the divide.

"Look what you've done to me, love. You're making a fool of me." I whispered against her lips without touching them.

Weren't together anymore after all.

Kissing would be too much.

Her chest rose and fell rapidly beneath me. Her nails dug into my skin where my hands gripped her wrists. With each deep thrust, I watched her face contort with pleasure and pain, her features illuminated by fleeting streaks of moonlight seeping through the curtains.

I loved that look on her face.

I wondered if I could make that look even more pathetic.

I pulled out, dragging the tip of my length across her clit before pushing back in. She squirmed underneath me, arching her back. But I denied her, keeping my unhurried pace. I wanted to draw out this sweet torture for as long as possible.

Hours passed — or perhaps mere minutes. I couldn't tell anymore. All that mattered was this woman writhing beneath me.

Groaning in frustration, she attempted to break free from my grip. "Dammit, Satoru. If you won't finish what you started, then get off me!"

I smirked. "Why so eager, love. Can't handle the wait?" I leaned in to kiss down the side of her neck. She shivered beneath me, her breath hitching as my teeth grazed her skin. 

With my free hand I reached down, running my fingers down her quivering stomach, relishing in the shivers that coursed through her body. 

She glared up at me, her eyes narrowing dangerously. "Stop calling me 'love'. I don't belong to you, not anymore—" 

She gasped into my mouth when I found her clit. Slowly, deliberately, I began to circle it with my thumb, feeling her surrender to me. I plunged deeper, thrusting into her mercilessly.

Let her hate me all she wants. She can't deny the chemistry between us — a spark that refuses to fade, no matter how hard either of us tries.

She must have hated this — hated how she surrendered to me, even with all that anger. Made me wondered if I could rail her up even more.

"You think you're so much better than me?" I rasped. "So strong, so selfless, always putting others first? It's a lie, and you know it. You're just bored."

"You fucker!" Before I knew what was happening, she broke free of my grasp and had flipped us over so that she was now straddling my hips. 

Without warning, she reached forward, gripping my throat with surprising strength as she leaned down, her hair falling like a curtain around our faces. I couldn't help but smile.

"Don't project your bullshit on me," she seethed, her face inches from mine. 

Her words sent a chill down my spine, stirring up a fresh wave of desire within me. Damn, this woman was infuriating — and captivating in the worst way possible.

We glared at each other like enemies preparing for battle. 

"Aren't you a little tired? Pulling up that act all the time?" I choked out, feeling her fingers dig in further. "Deep down, you're just as bored as me, you're just too righteous to admit it."

"Shut up," she hissed, pressing harder, choking the words out of me.

This was madness. Destructive madness. But for this one desperate moment, I didn't care. It was exhilarating, addictive. Because love, our twisted, broken love, wasn't supposed to be pretty.

It was messy, chaotic, and borderline abusive. But sometimes all you need is a firm grip around the throat to remind you that you're alive.

"Harder, love," I gasped, a laugh bubbling up in my constricted throat. "Come on, make me feel your rage."

Slowly, deliberately, she began grinding her hips against mine, setting a maddening pace that left me reeling. Fuck, I think I love it even more when she hates me.

"Ahh, shit," I gasped, clutching at her thighs as she rode me mercilessly. "That's it."

Eyes squeezed shut, my head rolled back. Chills prickled my skin, possibly due to the cool breeze drifting in from the window. Or perhaps it was merely her.

She rode me with increased speed, and I could barely contain the overwhelming sensations coursing through my body. Every fiber of my being screamed for release. 

My knuckles on her thighs turned white from the force. "Oh, shit, you're going to kill me," I moaned between choked sounds that escaped my lips. 

My lips twisted into a smile again. "Admit it. You love the chaos as much as I do. The thrill, the way it makes you feel alive."

"You're wrong," she said, increasing her pace making my cock twitch inside her. "We're nothing alike."

"Keep telling yourself that," I replied, struggling to catch my breath, as she made me lose my mind. "But I know the truth—we're two sides of the same coin."

"You really believe that, don't you?"

"Why else would you be here, like this, with me?" I countered. "Face it, we're addicted to each other—the highs, the lows, the constant push and pull. It's exhilarating, isn't it?"

"You're the only addict here."

"Liar," I rasped.

Her muscles clenched around me, drawing me deeper inside her. She was close. Each contraction of her pushing me further towards a peak that I knew would soon shatter me.

But I wasn't ready yet. Not quite.

I shifted our positions, sitting upright before spinning us around so she was now beneath me on the mattress. I positioned myself behind her, forcing her down onto the mattress.

I slowly slid my hand along her spine as I pushed her further down, feeling her tremble beneath my touch, the softness of her skin beneath my fingertips. 

It was intoxicating to watch her submit to me.

"Fuck, you'll be the death of me."

Leaning down, I pressed my lips against the small of her back, feeling her shiver once more. My hand continued its descent, stopping just short of where she needed me.

"Satoru," my name fell from her lips.

Oh, how I loved it when she breathed my name like that. I couldn't resist her — could never resist her. I was at her mercy. Even now.

She arched her back, silently pleading for me to continue. I slid my hand between her legs. "God, you're so fucking wet," I murmured, slipped a finger inside her, then another. She was so tight, so warm. 

I couldn't wait to be inside her again.

She gasped, pushing back against me. "Don't stop."

Curving my fingers, I searched for that spot that I knew would drive her mad. When I found it, she cried out, her hips bucking against my hand. Her hands scrabbled at the sheets, grasping for purchase as I started to move inside her.

"Yes, fuck," she moaned, spreading her legs wider. "Right there."

Oh, love. I know you like that.

I smiled, relishing the fact that I knew her body better than herself. I knew every inch of her, every freckle, every scar, every sensitive spot that made her squirm. 

"More," she begged.

I happily obliged, adding a third finger and thrusting deeper. She was soaking wet, her juices coating my fingers as I fucked her with my hand. Her moans grew louder, more urgent. She was close, so close.

I increased the pace of my fingers, pumping them in and out of her as I used my thumb to apply pressure to her clit. 

However, as her moans reached a fever pitch, I withdrew my fingers, denying her release.

She gasped, glanced over her shoulder at me, her mouth open, but said nothing — probably out of breath. 

I brought my fingers to my mouth, savoring the taste of her. It was so uniquely her. I couldn't get enough.

Leaning in, I pressed my body against hers from behind, my hard length probed at her entrance. 

I leaned down over her, my hand snaking into her hair. I grabbed it tightly, forcing her head up to meet mine. "I love you, first-year," I murmured against her ear.

She trembled, but her defiance remained strong. "I hate you."

I sighed — always so fierce, makes me wonder what it takes to fuck that stubborn attitude out of her. 

"It's alright, I love you enough for both of us."

With that, I pushed her head down into the mattress. Her cry muffled by the sheets beneath her as I thrust into her once more, bottoming out inside her with a groan.

I began to move in and out of her. Faster now, harder until the headboard slammed against the wall. Her muscles clenched around me, drawing me deeper inside her. She clawed at the sheets beneath her, her moans muffled by the fabric.

As her cries grew louder, I quickly pushed her face further into the mattress. "Quiet, first year," I murmured as I angled myself to rub against her G-spot, making it harder for her to keep quiet. "Wouldn't want to disturb anyone in the middle of the night, would we?"

Neither of us spoke a word — not that she could but — perhaps because there was nothing left to say. Instead, we communicated solely through our actions, saying everything that needed to be said without opening our mouths.

I increased both the pace and pressure. Nearly causing her to fall forward hadn't I held her in place with one hand on her waist and one sill in her hair. Her breath hitched, her entire body tensed as she approached her breaking point.

Oh, how I loved feeling her tighten around me.

Bringing her closer to the edge was a thrill like no other. Watching her lose control, hearing her cries and moans, feeling her body tremble beneath me — it was intoxicating.

I could feel myself getting closer to the edge, my balls tightening as I approached my own release. 

Her cries grew louder, more urgent, until finally, she shattered around me, her orgasm triggering my own.

With a final thrust, I emptied myself inside her, filling her completely. Her contractions milked every last drop from me, her body still quivering around me. 

I stayed inside her, savoring the feeling. It might be the last time.

I was panting, my chest rising and falling rapidly as I tried to catch my breath. My cock was still twitching inside her. Reluctantly, I pulled out with a low moan.

I stayed behind her for a moment longer, admiring the curve of her waist, the sheen of sweat on her skin in the sliver of moonlight. 

Don't know when or if I'll ever see that again.

Time seemed to stand still, suspended indefinitely as we tried to find our breath again.

Then she turned her head. "You're a fucking idiot," she finally said.

"Tell me something I don't know."

She shifted to face me, her expression serious.  "Promise me something."

"Anything you want, love."

"Promise me, you won't kill yourself with your pills."

I swallowed hard. That's not what'll get me, I thought, as I felt a sharp pain lancing through my right side.

I moved closer, cupping her face with my hands that trembled slightly. For an insane moment, I wanted to kiss her, but I knew I couldn't — couldn't ever again. "I promise," I rasped.

The words heavy with a lie we both knew.

<- prev chapter | next chapter ->

author's note: wooooaaa, another insane!gojo chapter lol. this chapter really killed me, was crying, screaming, throwing up while writing.

i'm equally scared and excited to hear what you think about todays chapter, ngl. originally i didn't plan a smut scene in this chapter, but you know, somewhere down that line gojo just happened and here we are. 

also like, i think now both their's darkest secrets are now out — in the worst way possible. also because i keep getting messages regarding how much chapters are left of the story, idk i write form chapter to chapter. we're down somewhere the 60—70 % line with the story i guess, but we'll see. still more to uncover of gojo's past and all that.

also sorry for the people asking of for more fluff and happy moments, ehhh, there will be some in the future?? also i'm still sticking to the plan of a happy ending, so don't worry!! gojo fucked up big time and the next chapters will center about him trying to fight his fears and get shit together — let's see if he can do that. curious myself.

so thank you so so much for sicking by with the story. sending kisses to all of you lovely people seeing me messages, leaving likes, comments and reblog stuff. it really makes my heart happy everything i see a notification. love you all sm!! ♡

okay my last note, just so you know, i'm going on vocation soon, so the next chapter will be a bit delayed again, sorraaaayyy!! wishing you a great day or night and an awesome weekend ahead! ♡

🏷️ @sad-darksoul @aerithsthingss @mylovelessnightmare @bbyxxm @musababy @neuviloved @ykehqqy @hexrts-anatomy @fvsm4x @tw0fvced @heijihattorisgf @sadmonke @thatsopanu @sirencholia @sugurusdiscordmoderator @erwinslut @shervinss @certainlysyko @mechalily @purplehallow11 @kendall0111 @bloopsstuff @therealestpussyeater @louoi7 @whereflowerswenttodie @billiondollarworth @deluluforcarlos55 @starrynight-777 @vina21 @michelleeveline @boba-is-a-soup @cre8inghavoc @love-jelly @daimiyu @d0nk3y-k0ng @mo0nforme @smolbeanzzz @oneiricals @ynishalee @gojolvrr34 @nanasukii28 @ariiiii0938 @kelppsstuff @tojisdollx @drakenswifeyy @bakarinnie @vina21 @phoenix-eclipses @nanamis-baker @neptnszn (pls comment on the series masterlist to get tagged in the future!)

[cloud9gojo]

salt & the sea

consider this a one-shot for now, i really just wanted to get this prologue style chapter for my self-infsert suguru fic out there it was eating me alive. this is so on a whim, i don't have a header, nor do i expect anyone to actually read this lol. if you do like it, hmu @peachygf

pairing: geto x f!reader if we ever make it there

words: 4.2k

warnings: sfw they're kids bro, sign language, synesthesia, kid awkwardness, me being awkward, there ya go

also made a playlist for this but it's on apple music 😭 lmk if you're into that and i can convert it or smth

______________________________________________________________

December 1997

The morning of December 27th in the Inumaki household was chaotic.

Some months prior, it was decided that the disgraced, elder Inumaki son, Miharu, and his family would be offered redemption through certain means. During July, in the southern part of Japan, a sorcerer with the potential to become a special grade was discovered. They had no family lineage and the powers-that-be would have your family introduce them to jujutsu society. The order had been passed down that they would train alongside the son's eldest child, in both theory and practical study, until they attended Jujutsu High at fourteen years of age. That is if they survived that long.

So when your parents sit you down and make you promise to be on your best behavior, to not antagonize, make fun of, or laugh at your guests or there would be consequences, dirty dishwater-related consequences, you say yes. You promise them you will be good, nice, and welcoming.

At first, it was easy because it was exciting! Everyone (except Akari, who was drooling in her crib) was bustling with frantic energy, cleaning, and then going over the entire house. Making sure everything was in its place; flowers in the foyer, record playing in the living room, new sake ready to be opened on the counter. You even tolerated your little sister's incessant babbling and following afternoon tantrums with a great attitude. Granted, you couldn't hear her cries at full volume, but still, you were a good sport about the whole thing. You were more focused on the idea of training with another sorcerer your age and what gifts your parents might bring back from their visit to Jujutsu High in Tokyo next month. It was going to be a good new year.

When your guests arrived, your family had arranged themselves at your home's entrance. A poised, respectable sorcerer family welcoming a newly awakened sorcerer and their parents. Who you knew from peaking at your parents' signing during movie night, were normal humans, not a trace of cursed energy on them. (Your parents should really be more careful where they sign.)

Greeting the couple was nice and normal enough, you were bright and of course, the perfect host. You interpreted for your parents perfectly, like you had been doing for the majority of your life, "The Inumaki's are honored to be coordinating your child's sorcerer training."

"The honor is ours, thank you for allowing us into your home. Why, it's so beautiful!" Mrs. Geto's voice was soft to your ears, but the color of it radiated a light pink that settled neatly in the air around her. Her smile was sly, but inviting. She reminded you of a fox, especially with the way her updo gave her two bumps on her head that looked like little ears. You pursed your mouth to match hers and decided to keep that happy little thought to yourself.

You spared a glance at their son who had at first sight seemed ordinary like you. His bow was short and curt, his name lost to your wooden flooring. Only when prompted by his mother did he repeat it, "Geto Suguru. Pleased to meet you." The sound waves around him bent the light strangely, making the shadows curl around him even though the foyer was well-lit.

His voice sent a shiver down your spine, soft like his mother's but not at all like the soft pink she gave off. The color of his voice was deep indigo and unnerving. The waves refused to settle, creating a dark corona around the boy. It had you straightening your back, setting your shoulders up, back, and then down at attention.

"Inumaki. Pleased to meet you." Your bow wasn't as low as it should have been, but you had your eyes trained on him, making sure you saw every single movement.

The Getos, you're sure, were impressed with you either way. Especially with how grown up you were for a child your age (it's what every other adult seemed to say after meeting you). It was only natural, you were a jujutsu sorcerer after all. Or at least on your way to being a first-grade one. Right now though, all you were was a seven-year-old being told to make nice with some stranger.

"Go play, try to be friendly. You're going to be spending more time together soon." Your father's usually composed signing was rushed as he ushered you both through the backdoor and hurried to get back to where your guests were seated in the living room. His anxiety was visible, he had been going on and on about this day for a month straight. Finally, he would be respected again. (Or something like that, you tried not to peer in on your parents' private conversations in their bedroom. Most of the time.)

You were pretty sure he was happier to share his special sake and show off his vintage record collection than to talk about jujutsu society, those poor, poor people. They would have to get by on pen-and-paper conversations and charades with your tipsy parents while you were exiled outside with their son.

Alarm bells start ringing in your head finally being alone with him. He was just a little kid like you, all knobby knees and awkward limbs, but you could tell he was powerful. You don't know whether to run from him or fight him. You struggle, momentarily stuck to your spot, but ultimately decide against fighting. You would be going in blind and set a bad first impression.

Both of you stand apart, facing out into your backyard. A small garden that your mother keeps up is in the center, while the rest grows tall and wild around an old patio set towards the far right corner. A desire path is starting to form along the edges from your many trips back and forth from the beach that was just beyond the green belt of tall grasses at the end of your property. You let your eyes trace it as you chew on your lip, considering how to befriend this boy beside you.

You don't know what he can do exactly, only seeing your parents discuss it once in passing; Cursed Manipulation. What things he could manipulate was a mystery, all you knew was that you didn't want it to be you. Your mind screamed danger! but you had to get to know this strange boy, now that you were going to start training with him in the new year. After your eighth birthday, so you could still have time with your family before getting serious.

You pout and think of how your father had made you promise to be nice this morning. But you didn't feel like playing outside with this weird, jittery kid now! You wanted to cry, it was either this or dish duty for a month and you would rather die than touch nasty dishwater. So you make down the steps into the yard two at a time, in a huff, only partially caring if Geto follows you or not. (He does, with his hands in his pockets, taking his sweet time.)

Walking into the garden, you watch the air ripple with little bursts of color in every step. When you reach the patio set, you plop down facing the tall grasses at the back. It gives you a view of the sunset peaking through the blades, pale yellow into a muted blue sky.

Geto wiggles his chair out from under the table and positions it to face the same way as yours. He all but falls backward into it, releasing a long sigh when he settles. You sneak a peek at him from the corner of your eye. He's slouching so much, you're surprised he's still on the cushion, but he looks content to be watching the sky. You turn to watch little bugs flitter through the evening air. The beating hum of their wings gave off tiny warm yellow waves. At least they were a nice distraction from your present company.

"So, are you going to tell me your name?"

His voice almost makes you jump out of your seat. When you face him, he has his cocked to the side, a bored expression on his face. You masterfully pull yours into a kind expression, no dirty dishes for you. "Inumaki, remember?" You say it sweetly, to make up for the fact that it's not the answer he's looking for. You're not dumb, you know what he's asking you, but you don't want him to know your first name. Not yet, at least.

Geto scowls before turning away from you once again.

You sigh in frustration, you had been looking forward to having a friend, someone like you who wasn't three, stinky, and drooling. (Sorry to your sister, but she was just not very fun right now.) You were fighting an uphill battle of social awkwardness with Suguru Geto and losing. You weren't used to failing, ever. If this is how it's going to be between you both, then what would training look like in the spring?

Your parents believe you're being a good host, so that's some good-daughter points for you. Ugh, but if you don't try, then nothing is going to change between you both and you'll be stuck with your stinky sister your whole life. Yuck! You conclude that you can't rely on him to make the first move. You're the host, you make the conversation. It doesn't mean that Suguru Geto is going to be your best friend, but maybe you can get a powerful ally out of him. You perk up in your seat, yeah, you could make that work!

Working together with other sorcerers is important long term, if you're going to persevere in and preserve the jujutsu world. Maybe, if you tell him about when you first got your cursed technique, it'll make him feel more comfortable.

The thing is, you don’t really remember when your technique manifested.

You remember the heat and stickiness of the day. It must have been late summer, in the rainy season. A rare sunny day, no clouds in sight, spent at the park near your home. Your very pregnant mother sitting down watching you, laughing along with your high-pitched giggles. The red of the picnic table was a streak in your vision as you flew through the air on the swings, pushed higher and higher by your father. Silent, wearing a mask to cover his clan markings, but happy.

It was so, so hot that day, and the humidity had turned your hair into a frizzy mess. Sweat caused it and your clothes to stick to you uncomfortably, but you didn’t care. The sky was so blue and clear, and the air so crisp. You could see the expanse of the horizon at the top of your swing and the urge to jump was too great, you were weightless when you threw yourself from the seat.

You remember how the sky burst into color halfway down, how everything thrummed with color and strange vibrations. It was so pretty that you screamed with joy at the sight of sound waves emanating from everything. It was exactly how your mother described how she saw the world through her technique. The overload of visual information then clouded over the fact that everything was quieter. Like the volume set at full was dialed down quicker than your little brain could register.

You were only four or five when that happened. Suguru Geto, seven, is a late bloomer by jujutsu standards. The thought makes you want to laugh, but you hold it in and then calmly release it as a breath of air. Whew, that was close.

The evening was turning into night and the wind was cold against your arms causing goosebumps. Pieces of your hair were flying around your face, getting caught in your glasses and mouth. You sputter and push it back behind your ears for the hundredth time, even now it refuses to stay in place. You notice the indigo of Geto's sneaky giggles more than you can hear them.

"Are you laughing at me?" Geto, looking unashamed about being caught, meets your eyes only once before turning to watch the swaying grasses. You frown and follow his gaze, yup, still grass and sky. Beyond that was the color of the distant sound waves from the water crashing against the sand, although you know Geto can't see them like you could. You turn to face him once more, wishing he would at least try to keep eye contact with you. Or make conversation. Or do anything besides stare at stupid beach grass!

"You sound kinda funny." He tells you this very casually, like it's not the first thing he's said that wasn't a greeting or a question.

You blink at him, incredulous. "I don't get to use my voice that often." You're fully facing him now, bracing yourself on the patio chair's arm.

"Is it because your parents use their hands to talk?"

Did he really just ask you that?

"Yes."

"Oh."

Be nice, be nice, be nice. "My father can't speak because of his technique and my mother and I have some hearing loss from our own so it just makes sense for us to use sign," you manage, after a lengthy pause.

“Oh.” 

He’s still not facing you, have you done something wrong that you missed? Your family wasn’t exactly the most social, maybe it was you. Were you the one being weird? You can’t tell if he's being mean or not, but you also don't know why he would be mean to you in the first place so maybe you're overthinking it. You've never made a friend before, but surely it can't be this hard.

"When you see curses, are you afraid of them?" When he says it he doesn't face you so you have to read his lips to make out the parts you miss.

You take a moment to mull it over. "No, I already know some defensive techniques so I think I could protect myself. Low-level ones I feel like I could kill easily." You smile at that, remembering how your parents said your barrier technique was very strong for your age. It made you happy that you had a sound-related technique like your mom. You liked being like her, strong and beautiful, but also kind. (You were still working on that last part.)

"What about the stronger ones? Would you run or fight?" This time when he says it, Geto's gaze is so steady, you couldn't escape it if you wanted to. His pale face was open and honest.

"I'd fight." You try to keep your face earnest and keep eye contact, you want him to know you're being truthful. When you focus on them, his eyes are a dark amber framed by straight, long eyelashes. (Annoying, how boys always got pretty lashes without even having to try.)

Geto presses his lips into a thin line before casting his eyes back to the horizon past the grass. "I'd run."

You giggle at that, trying to imagine this string bean of a boy running from some scary curse. "I guess we'll have to work on that when we see each other again in the new year. Right?" You smile when he looks back at you. If you relax and keep making conversation, then training will go well the next time you meet. Having him warm up to you also means a boost to your strength, in the end.

Which means you have to be good at this making friends thing. You want to be good at it, for your parents who rely on you to carry on their legacy. For your sister, who will look up to you as you both get older. And for this new kid, who has no one else in his family like him. Who was assigned to the closest sorcerer family available so that he's prepared for jujutsu society—your family. Maybe, you think, you could be good for him and whip him into shape by the time you both attend Jujutsu High and start taking missions.

He blinks a few too many times before slouching even more than you thought possible, (looking at his posture was making your neck ache) and giving you a small, "Sure."

Another beat of silence, and you think he's going to let this one stretch out before he asks another question. "So why can't your dad talk?"

You laugh at his bold line of questioning this time, "My dad comes from a long line of cursed speech users. That's why his mouth has those little markings, even though they're a little faded. They're the symbol of our family, the Inumakis." You decide not to tell Geto why your father's marks are faded or why he jumped at the opportunity to sponsor him. That's all stressful, adult stuff.

"And your mom? She can talk, but doesn't?" Geto arches his eyebrow at you and you wonder, does he know that it lets you know he's asking a question? He's already good at nonverbal communication, you don't have to think too hard about what he means when he's facing you.

You shake your head and lift yourself up from your seat with great effort, ready to head back towards your house. "My mom and I can talk, but it's easier when we can all just sign what we mean, together." It's a simple explanation, you hope he accepts it.

Geto pulls himself from his seat to follow you, this time side by side. "What's her technique like?"

You suck air into your cheeks, making a big show of contemplating your answer. "My mother has control over sound and pressure waves at the molecular level." You take your time sounding out the complicated words, you don't actually know what pressure, let alone molecular means. "She can create barriers with sound the same way I can. We can also see the sound waves in the air. My brain is so used to it though that I don't even focus on that anymore. Like when your brain ignores your nose, you know?" You crinkle your nose at him, twitching the tip of it like a bunny. It makes him laugh and you smile, you like the color of it much more than normal conversation. "But because we can see all that stuff, our hearing isn't as strong as other peoples. It doesn't feel any different though, I don't remember a time before it."

You've never had to say all these big words out loud before, you catch Geto laughing at the way you're pronouncing some of them. You tut disapprovingly at him but laugh with him also. You probably do sound a little funny.

He hums and swings his hands back and forth, the effort making his t-shirt sway on his frame like a big pillowcase. "Is it only barriers you can make with sound?"

You hum, thoughtful. "I haven't really tried anything else, but that's why I'm excited to train with you in the spring!"

"Is that what you think we'll be working on when we see each other next?"

You focus on the way he shapes his vowels, how they stretch and flow, before looking back at his eyes. "Mmm, probably not. My dad will make us start with the basics of cursed energy and breathing techniques. Prepare for lots of meditating, my dad loves to put on his jazz music every morning for stretches and quiet time, it's awful. Let's see what else..." You tap your chin, thinking. "Then we might move on to basic fighting forms, which I've barely gotten to practice." You see the familiar notes of your father's records seep from the house as you get closer to the steps of your porch. When you reach them, you each take a seat next to each other.

Geto smiles at you, like his mother it's sly, but more smug than anything. More music escapes into the air behind him as faint swirls of color. Pretty, you think. "I'm already pretty good at fighting, I take after-school lessons. Or, at least I used to." His brow furrows at that last sentence. Suddenly displeased, he turns to stare at the ants crossing near your feet.

You note the shift with a frown. You've never been to a regular school, you've been taught by your mom and dad your whole life. Math, science, reading, all that boring stuff. You've never experienced public school, so you don't know exactly what it is that Geto might miss.

This is an exciting opportunity for you and your family, something you were looking forward to and happy about. Getting to introduce someone to jujutsu society is a great honor, but it doesn't seem like that's how it is for Geto. You lean forward to try and catch his eyes again. "Are you going to miss it?"

He eyes you from behind his dark hair, debating his answer. "I'm going to miss my teacher and my friends. I thought we would all be together until high school or something like that." He closes his eyes and takes a breath. You see his lip shake more than you can hear the quiver in his voice. "I didn't ask to be a sorcerer."

Something hard has formed in your throat watching this boy you were just laughing with almost cry in front of you. You force it down and take a moment to think about what it was like moments after your technique manifested. Chaotic, too bright all at once, and then quiet. You definitely started crying at some point after your joy turned to fear. But your parents had never hid their culture from you, so curses and cursed energy weren't anything new. It was more overwhelming than scary.

Before you can try to comfort Geto, the backdoor slides open and a flurry of color fills your vision. Your mother stands in the doorway, jovial and laughing until seeing Geto's expression.

"What's going on?" She steps forward, displeased.

You jump up to try and rectify the situation. "We were just talking about his school!"

Your mother purses her lips and looks between you both now that Geto is standing on the step above you. "We'll discuss this later. Come inside and say goodbye."

You whine and hang your head in defeat knowing you can't sway your mother. "Yes, ma'am."

You look at Geto and motion for him to go inside first. "Mom says that they're finished. Let's go."

You suck in your lip, chewing on your unspoken words, and trudge into the house behind him. You watch the trail of indigo his footsteps leave behind, he must scuff his feet along the floor. Something pangs in your chest, you don't want him to leave you sad or mad at you. Before that mess about school, you started to get along.

Before he can get too far away from you, you reach out to tug on his shirt. "Geto, wait."

His hands are in his pockets and he's slouching so much you're surprised he's still upright, but he gazes you over his shoulder with an arched brow, a silent acknowledgment.

You drop your hand back to your side, letting go of his shirt. "I just wanted to say that I'm looking forward to seeing you. Next time, you know? This is all new for me, I've never trained with anyone my age so I want this to go well. I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings asking about your school." You cringe at how it all spills out. Much too fast and eager, you're not used to speaking out loud so much. But, it gets him to turn fully towards you before entering the foyer.

"I know, Inumaki-san. I'm happy to be training with you too, but leaving my friends and everything else behind isn't easy. Not for me, anyway."

You stare back at him, wanting to comfort him all over again, but all that comes out is, "Okay." You want to smack yourself, you are so lame.

For some reason, he lets a hint of a smile come over his face. "Okay." He nods before continuing, "I'll see you in the new year." 

With that, both of you enter the foyer to be with your parents. You skip past Geto so you can be by your parents' side to interpret their goodbyes. You preen as your father smooths your hair back with his hand. Its warm familiar weight settles on your shoulder. You did a good job tonight, making Geto feel welcome to the best of your ability. However socially awkward you were, you got him to have a solid conversation with you. Next time will be even better.

The three of you walk them out and down the steps of your home. It's later than you thought it was and you're starting to get sleepy. You return Geto's little wave through the glass window of his parents' car.

When you get back inside, you make your parents wait with you until you see the lights of the Geto's car fade from view before you turn off the porch lights. Your father carries you to bed, and your mother tucks you in and sings you a lullaby. Your sister is already asleep in her bed next to yours. It was a good night, you think before letting your heavy eyelids rest.

When you finally drift off into sleep, your dreams are full of inky indigos and soft pink clouds, with little foxes jumping between their misty hiding spots while you giggle watching them.

[bluemoonjayy]

𝗥𝗢𝗟𝗟𝗘𝗥𝗖𝗢𝗔𝗦𝗧𝗘𝗥 𝗢𝗙 𝗘𝗠𝗢𝗧𝗜𝗢𝗡𝗦

[𝕸𝖆𝖙𝖙 𝖘𝖙𝖚𝖗𝖓𝖎𝖔𝖑𝖔 𝖝 𝖗𝖊𝖆𝖉𝖊𝖗]

𝘚𝘜𝘔𝘔𝘈𝘙𝘠: ʏ/ɴ ᴀɴᴅ ᴛʜᴇɪʀ ꜰʀɪᴇɴᴅ ʏᴠᴇ ɢᴏ ᴛᴏ ᴛʜᴇ ᴄᴀʀɴɪᴠᴀʟ ᴀɴᴅ ᴍᴇᴇᴛ ᴛʜᴇ ᴏᴡɴᴇʀ'ꜱ ᴋɪᴅꜱ ᴏꜰ ᴀ ᴄᴀʀᴏᴜꜱᴇʟ ᴛʜᴀᴛ ᴛʜᴇʏ ʟᴏᴠᴇ

[PART 1] [PART 2]

PLAYLIST:

On dat bxtch by lumi athena

Swimming pools by Kendrick Lamar or lloyd version

The party and the after party (Sango remix) by the weeknd

All mine by plaza

Nightcrawler by Travis scott

On the floor by removeface

Swim by chase atlantic

Into it by chase atlantic

[I RECOMMEND THE SLOWED VERSION]

BEFORE READING

- I wanted to say that english is not my first language so if I make some mistakes tell me lol

- this is not really my first story but im trying to write something different and also hope you like it :3

IM GONNA MAKE A CHRIS ONE IF Y'ALL WILL LIKE THIS

⋆⭒˚.⋆🪐 ⋆⭒˚.⋆⋆⭒˚.⋆🪐 ⋆⭒˚.⋆⋆⭒˚.⋆🪐 ⋆⭒˚.

-Are you ready?- my friend Yve asks me after knocking at the door of my room

-yeah, almost done!- I reply -i just need to wear my pants!- I wear them as quickly as possible and open the entrance

-finally!- she rools her eyes quite annoyed by the fact that I made her wait a bit too much -We had to be at the carnival almost 15 minutes ago…-

-sorry, sorry, sorryyyy!- I take my bag and her hand -we’re gonna absolutely run there- and we do as I said, sprinting through the people that are in the streets trying not to hit them

Well…

it didn't work…

-oh my goodness, I'm so sorry!- i apologize as I head myself to my friend who is far from me

-damn, it took you hours to arrive-

-its already much if I'm still alive- I take deep breaths because of the long run I had

After some seconds I recompose myself and look up seeing the amazing carousels that I was waiting to go on since the end of the school

My favorites are the musik express and the tagada

They're the best!

My friend actually finds them boring but still goes with me for unknown reasons, maybe just to keep me company

-come on!- Yve runs leaving me alone

-oh, you bitch!- I laugh and follow her

We first go near the tagada

I notice two boys on it

They both look so alike but one has quite long hair and a hat, they're probably twins

-Yve? Why are they the only ones on it?- I turn my head to watch her

-they’re the owner's kids- she replies -they do this to test the carousel to see if it has some problems, you know-

I return my eyes back on the two of them

-Nick! Make this thing start!- the one with the hat screams at another person that looked like them in the control box

-okay, Chris!- he presses some buttons and the machine moves

The boys are still standing at the center of it

-Matt, are you ready?- Chris screams

-Yes, i am!- he smiles a little

The carousel starts to move and the brothers do the most insane things to not fall down of it

One of them does a backflip

-wow!- Yve whispers -they’re really good-

-i could never- I chuckle

I would probably be at the hospital if I even tried to stand on it for a second

After some other crazy backflips and shit the carousel stops

Matt looks at me in the eyes and I feel myself getting this crazy feeling that I almost never had in my entire life

He smirks and winks at me

“Wait…did he REALLY do that to me?”

-Matt, we gotta help Nick with the tickets- Chris points at the control box where the poor boy is being pressured selling tickets to hundreds of people

-yeah…- the brunette looks at me a last time and heads to the other brothers

“he's so fin-Y/N! Stop having crushes on random people that show you affection,okay?” my cheeks get red at the thought of the last gesture that the man did

“but still…what if he wasn't doing that to me? What if I'm just being delusional? what if-”

My thoughts get interrupted by my friend

-girl, are you okay? You're blushing like crazy right now!- she laughs

-stop! It's better if we go try the attractions- we head to the nearest one

*one hour later*

It's time to (finally) go on the tagada

Yve pays her ticket and sits on the first free place she found

-it’s 3 dollars- Nick tells me and I take the money to give him

-Wait!- I look at the boy's side and I see matt -i’ll pay her ticket-

At those words I smile -don’t worry it's just 3 dollars!-

-nah, you shouldn't worry- he hands me the ticket -come on!-

I take it a bit reluctantly and sit far from my friend since almost all the good places got taken

I begin to hold myself tight to not slip/fall

Like I said before, my friend is literally unbothered by all of this

She doesn't even hold much most of the times

Maybe I'm too scared, i should be relaxed like her

I'm not gonna die for a stupid game after all

SWIMMING POOLS BY KENDRICK LAMAR PLAYS

My favorite song starts and I smile looking at Yve that mouths "im here just because of you"

I rool my eyes and we both laugh

-okay, ladies and gentlemen or whatever! The ride is initiating so hold yourself and have fun!- Nick states in the microphone

The two brothers are the last to enter

They both positionate in the middle, Matt right in front of me

He smiles and i do so too

“I'm 100 percent sure now that he's flirting with me” I think

Nobody ever flirted with me, people always tried to avoid being near me

Except Yve

She sees the real me and Im really grateful for that

The carousel starts and I feel quite nervous

It first spins around not too fast but some seconds after it forces some thrusts

As always, I was about to fall from the seat

Meanwhile Matt and Chris where perfectly standing and occasionally jumping to avoid the thrusts

I was watching them thinking that I wanted to learn how to do that too

I manage to not slip for almost the whole time

The ride was about to end and Nick announces the last round

I turn to mouth to my friend “help me” and she replies with “its all right”

The carousel spins around really fast and I try my best to stay where I am

Suddenly Matt loses balance and bumps into me

It didn't hurt much fortunately and he sits beside me

The game stops, making everyone stand up and head to the exit

I was about to too but the boy takes my hand

-i…I wanted to apologize for what happened- he says -did I hurt you?-

-im fine, don't worry!- I smile -and thanks again for the ticket-

-no problem, babe- he smirks

I feel myself exploding mentally and almost physically

-well…I have to go, see you- I leave and he follows me

-can't you stay a bit more?- I turn to face him

-i should be with my friend actually…-

I stop to think

This boy is trying to flirt with me and he's also my type

Yve will understand

I take my phone and text her

•YVE• •YOU•

You can go without me,

I'll explain later

fine...

✅(read)

---------------------------------------------------

-okay, now I can- his face seems to enlighten at my words

-great! Wanna take a drink?- I nod a yes and we head to the nearest bar

⭒₊ ⊹🌕₊ ⊹⭒⭒₊ ⊹🌕₊ ⊹⭒⭒₊ ⊹🌕₊ ⊹⭒⭒₊ ⊹🌕₊

PLEASE TELL ME IF YOU LIKED IT :D

SEE YAAAA

[bodycountgame]

The way I, and i think lots of others, would devour your Hozier essay like please spare us some crumbs i beg (also Vinh my beloved......when I say that song choice has ruined me.. your mind thank you)

hahaha okay this been so hotly requested but i am incapable of coherent thoughts so please enjoy these rambling thoughts that i jotted down in the notes app while on the bus!

i feel like there is more to be said but also bus journeys are finite so i'm just doing what i can with the time i have lol. what are your thoughts??? please share with the class i Know you have opinions and i wanna hear em!

adegoke: movement

so adegoke's character playlist actually has a different hozier song on it (from eden) which i always imagined to be more from MC's perspective. 

for adegoke, i love the idea of romance like the push and pull of the ocean currents, waves meeting and breaking, a rhythm. and movement just gives me that, i guess! adegoke is also a deeply creative person and movement really gives the vibe of the lover as an inspiration, a muse, which i think would be something that he would totally relate to. as a writer, love is at the core of his work - even when it isn't the subject it is what he finds grounding. 

adegoke also loves to dance (and is an excellent dancer) so that particular expression feels so appropriate. 

arthur: angel of small death and the codeine scene 

this one is quite literal, i guess - arthur is a mean little weasel and it can be a challenge to find the sweetness in him. i think arthur defaults to an "i can make them worse" approach to romance which i think this sort of speaks to.

also his family are terrible and he often feels like a bit of a stray, i think. 

atticus: NFWMB

this one has been pulled straight from his character playlist because its just So ???????? musically it just reminds me of him but i know nothing about music so i have no idea how to articulate it - the sort of unassuming and almost casual vibe contrasted with the utter devotion in the lyrics. the emotional intensity comes from the lack of fanfare, you know?

also like. atticus loves a hair pull, sort of sexy possessive vibes and a rhetorical question so the "ain't you my baby" really hits on that level as well lmaooo 

avery: it will come back

this is another one that is already on avery's character playlist hahaha what can i say i'm a hozier bitch!

this choice is really about avery's complicated relationship with softness and intimacy, especially in a romance with MC which is Forbidden when she places such an emphasis on her professionalism. the way that she partitions different parts of her life is something of a defense for her after her difficult experiences in medicine - she's learned the hard way, she knows better, and yet she just can't help herself. i always think of avery's romance as being like a dam bursting; there's nothing for a long time until a little crack forms and then the dam breaks and everything falls apart. once she has a taste she can't be satiated, which i think this song speaks to. 

charlie - sunlight

he just can't keep away, even knowing how totally disastrous it will probably be for him, but he continues on gladly because he thinks that being that close to the sun will feel worth it even after it's burned him. he's 'death trap clad happily'. 

ellis - almost (sweet music) 

i did a deep dive into ellis' who playlist on patreon way back when and (surprise surprise) this was one of the songs that features on their playlist. this was actually one that i didn't say too much about because its just a bop, you know??? there's the lyrics about their foolish heart, but otherwise this song just screams ellis at me and i never really know why its just a warm fuzzy good vibe and that's them all over. 

florrie - take me to church 

a song thats an endictment of catholicism And fucking???? all the ingredients to make up a solid florrie song. there are a few lines that give me big florrie energy (she's the giggle at the funeral / knows everybody's disapproval / my lover's the sunlight / get something shiny) but in general i imagine florrie would fare well being worshipped, i think that's a great dynamic for her, so this is reflective of that. 

griffin - someone new 

i don't think this one really needs much explanation - griffin falls fast and hard and often. he's my romeo, and every bit as naive.

beyond that, i do think that griff is someone who doesn't believe there's a Right Way to go about things and he's quite happy to muddle through life and always seems to land on his feet - a great person to help someone really uptight unwind hahaha 

imogen - my love will never die 

of all the characters, imogen is the one who is most likely to get on her knees and beg someone to love her. 

also she loves flowers 💐 

nyra - to be alone 

this one is also pretty literal lmao i am many things but i am Not a deep thinker. she doesn't love crowds, and i think the thing that nyra would value most in a partner is having someone that she can be alone with, if that makes sense? one of those special people that you can hang out with and still have the regenerative effect of alone time. 

when we meet nyra in body count she's in the midst of a really hard time in her life - we're at a real low point for her. she doesn't really feel like a person, she feels like a zombie dragging herself from one day to the next. she needs to work through that on her own (falling in love doesn't Magically Fix People), but i think that her relationship with MC would give her a few little sparking reminders to help guide her on her way. 

rowan - jackie and wilson 

again soz this is on her character playlist hahaha! this is an absolute rowan anthem for me - she is my roman candle of the wild. i mean obviously this song is so fun and that is Very Rowan, but the "better yet, she wouldn't care" particularly speaks to me. rowan is very much someone who can meet people where they're at with grace and understanding and help to build them up. 

syd - work song 

syd was the hardest person to match a song with, weirdly, but it was the second verse that really cinched it (and I was burnin' up a fever / i didn't care much how long i lived / but i swear i thought i dreamed her / she never asked me once about the wrong i did). syd is a hard person to Date because they are a fuck up! they don't always get things right or know the right things to say or make the right gesture. that said, if someone can work through the initial challenges with them, they would be rewarded with endless devotion (albeit expressed in their own funny little way). 

vinh - in a week 

lying down and dying together in a field to be eaten by animals is peak romance to vinh lmao. in general, i think once they find Their Person it will be someone that they can feel at home and happy with regardless of the situation, and there isn't much that they wouldn't be willing to endure as long as they had that. 

[thirdtidemouse]

my (official and real) sketchbook playlist!! descriptions underneath! i have put the songs in a specific order and tried to make sure all the songs fit their vibe too outside (or disregarding) lyrics. also the types of music i think theyd enjoy lol.

1.. don't believe - vashti bunyan

oh, don't believe that love brings happiness gone tomorrow, here today love involves so much unhappiness don't believe what they say

lets kick it off with some folksy bittersweet 🤟this is both kaisa and johanna separately, before they meet. and their mirrored loneliness

2. apple pie - the scary jokes

i'll always be too shy to say what's on my mind i'm fantasizing all the time

the scary jokes are on this playlist. kaisa music. magic shygirl type of stuff

3. walking all day - graham coxon

walking all day with my mind on fire tryin' to get talkin' to you

this one's johanna vibes. ohh the days she'd spend walking round town, visiting the library, daydreaming about running into her and pretending it was an accident. she can't sit still, always restless, a teenager again

4. beautiful brain - mabel ye

i think you're beautiful i think you've got a beautiful brain i think you're beautiful i check up on it every day and while we sit just four feet across separated by a wall that is both white and moss i feel distance from you i feel closer to you

real ones know this came up in sketchbook week.. watch the music video for this!! (its sketchbook af)

5. super crush - tiger trap

i've got a supercrush on you because i think about you night and day

i'm not explaining this

6. the too much song - lemon demon

you're too much or am i not enough? you're (too much) and i feel this way much too much the longer that i wait the more you are much to my dismay

kaisa's perspective..

7. pink smoke - the scary jokes

you walk through walls set off the smoke alarms i feel your arms wrapping around me your aura almost drowns me pink smoke gets stuck in my throat when i say your name my heart goes up in flames

aaah johanna is crushing on a being of magic!

8. trees and flowers - strawberry switchblade

and i hate the buildings and the way they tower over me can't you see? i get so frightened no-one else seems frightened

strawberry switchblade is such kaisa music! goth & sweet! this song is definitely her but i think johanna's general anxieties about the city & the wilderness really show up in this song. they connect over these anxieties

9. i wanna be the moon - the scary jokes

it's scary to see you falling for me i wish that i could be i wanna be, i wanna be the moon i can't make you cry from way up in the sky and that's the reason why i wanna be, i wanna be the moon

kaisa's perspective. she doesn't like to get too close to people

10. it must be love - madness

i never thought i'd miss you half as much as i do

cmaaan johanna would love madness. london gerl. also one of the actual best love songs ever written ever

11. i have the moon - lush

you have to fly around the world all day to keep the sun upon your face i'd like to come and comfort you but i'd be blinded by the blue you have the sun, i have the moon

another sketchbook week song OOPS... literally sun/moon couple.

12. m'lover - kishi bashi

i wanna do what lovers do with you i wanna walk the edge of the earth with you

ripped STRAIGHT off the hilda soundtrack shamelessly. lovely magical sound. this plays when they're going on a very long expedition together

13. soho square - kirsty maccoll

one day you'll be waiting there no empty bench in soho square and we'll dance around like we don't care and i'll be much too old to cry and you'll kiss me quick in case i die before my birthday one day you'll be waiting there come summertime in soho square and i'll be painting stars up in the sky before i get too old to cry before my birthday

one of kaisa's first crushes was kirsty maccoll i'll say it. this song is so emotional the strings her vooiice!! this is a city love song. this is johanna leaving trolberg within the hc that they were childhood friends.

14. let's do everything for the first time forever - of montreal

may we dance again so i can pretend we're dancing for the first time? because when we danced for the first time i was so nervous!

it's been so long for both of them they're like teenagers again.. every time they talk its like talking to a school crush. embarrassing af. we both are out of practice with romance. let's do it together!!

15. black magic - little mix

take a sip of my secret potion i'll make you fall in love for a spell that can't be broken one drop should be enough

hehehehe!!!

16. my girlfriend is a witch - october country

spells fill the air i think i hear footsteps on my stair coming near her thoughts are telling me that she's here

quintessential hilda fandom song. how could i not?

17. she's got a new spell - billy bragg

one minute she says, she's gone to get the cat in next thing i know, she's mumbling in latin she cut the stars out of the sky and baked them in a pie, that's how i know she stole the scene and the scenery the script and the machinery, that's how i know that she's got a new spell

another witch's lover's song.. all that magic in one household can't be good.

18. lovers rock - tv girl

are you sick of me? would you like to be?

this song is just so chilled and lovely like a quiet night in. but captures the nerves and uncertainty of dating as well

19. riches and wonders - the mountain goats

we write letters to each other, invent secrets to confess to i learn foreign and exotic terms of endearment by which to address you we feed fresh fruit to one another we stay up all night and i am healthy, i am whole, but i have poor impulse control and i want to go home but i am home we are strong, we are faithful we are guardians of a rare thing we are filled with riches and wonders our love keeps the things it finds

domesticity and true love at its greatest. i love tmg!!

20. settin' the woods on fire - hank williams

you're my gal and i'm your feller dress up in your frock of yeller i'll look swell, but you'll look sweller! tonight we're settin' the woods on fire

off some country records johanna would 'co-own' with woodman. so fun. this gets put on in the pearson household when they have a family evening in

21. acolyte - slaughter beach, dog

annie, i want you to marry me we'll wait a few years i don't mean to frighten you i just want to be clear. man, it cuts like a dull knife when you're young and you're told 'makes sense when you're older,' darling, let's get old

not much to say on this one. i luv this song :-)

22. all i want is you - barry louis polisar

if you were a river in the mountains tall the rumble of your water would be my call if you were the winter i know i'd be the snow just as long as you were with me when the cold winds blow

juno soundtrack to finish it off :-) the core of sketchbook to me is joy & comfort & nature & magic

i hope u guys enjoyed this! lmk what you think of these interpretations! show me some lyrics you think about!

[dragon-creates]

5+1 AU Characters as Taylor Swift Songs

I got bored yesterday and my ADHD + my swiftie brain decided to put together what says would go together with the characters of my fic. This was mostly done for fun but if you know the meanings behind these songs, I'm going to enjoy feasting on your suffering 😈

Here's the link to my fic here if you haven't read it yet.

Pomni/Penny: Mirrorball

And I'm still a believer, but I don't know why. I've never been a natural, all I do is try, try, try

I thought this song best fit Pomni/Penny due to her complicated relationship with her dad and how that affected her as a person, always trying to do her best despite what's thrown at her, even if it hurts her in the process and she doesn't know why.

Jax/Jack: This Is Me Trying

Could've followed my fears all the way down And maybe I don't quite know what to say. But I'm here in your doorway I just wanted you to know. That this is me trying

I mean, I think its kinda obvious (cough cough chapter 5 cough cough). Jax/Jack went through a lot as a kid before he moved in with Winter and the Alvarez's and yes while he's hurting, he wants to heal but as ya'll know, relapses happen. But he'll always keep trying.

Riley: Karma

Karma's gonna track you down. Step by step, from town to town. Sweet like justice, karma is a queen

I had fun with this one. As ya'll know, Riley is quite protective over those she cares about (she's also an FBI agent so if you hurt Penny you probably won't be seen the next day). Riley is always gonna make sure that those who decide to fuck around are gonna find out. After all, karma is a bitch.

Winter: 22

You don't know about me but I'll bet you want to. Everything will be alright if we just keep dancing like we're 22

Ah Winter, my sassy lesbian queen. Winter has always been fun to write due to how positive and fun she is. Teasing Jack, being lovey dovey with Riley and hyping up Penny as well. She would be one of those people who throw the wildest parties and dread cleaning up the next day, but doesn't care as long as she and others are having fun.

Amber: Tolerate It

Lay the table with the fancy shit. And watch you tolerate it

Amber, mother of two and the ex of the man that everyone in discord wants dead. This reflects what her marriage to David was like and her releasing how awful he was after they divorced. Amber is a strong and protective mother bear, but she was hurt first emotionally to become that strong. Sometimes there will be moments will break, but she always picks herself back up for her girls, David forgotten at the back of her mind for their sake.

~okay let's focus on some duo/trio songs~

Pomni/Penny & Jax/Jack: Wildest Dreams

Say you'll remember me. Standin' in a nice dress. Starin' at the sunset, babe. Red lips and rosy cheeks. Say you'll see me again. Even if it's just in your wildest dreams

Come on, are you really surprised? It's the title of the last chapter and basically this fic's theme! Even if they don't realise who each other are, there memories stay in their dreams and their shown just how beautiful their love was!!!!

Riley & Winter: Paper Rings

I like shiny things, but I'd marry you with paper rings. Uh-huh, that's right. Darling, you're the one I want

Let's go! Let's go lesbians let's go!!! The yuri deserve a nice lovey dovey song. These two are just so sweet with one another and the reason why Jack and Penny got together (much to Riley's disappointment lol) and they deserve all the happiness. And yes this song was in their wedding playlist.

Pomni/Penny & Riley: Safe and Sound

No one can hurt you now. Come morning light. You and I'll be safe and sound

This song is definitely a parallel of Penny and Riley's sisterhood, especially growing up with David still in the picture. Riley doing her job as an older sister, shielding her little sister whenever David wanted to target her with his verbal abuse. Riley hates every fibre of her father's being, it only got worse after he involved Penny in the car accident. No matter what, even as adults, Riley will always protect her baby sister from everything...until the day she couldn't.

Winter & Jax/Jack: The Best Day

God smiles on my little brother, inside and out. He's better than I am I grew up in a pretty house and I had space to run. And I had the best days with you

This was how Winter viewed her and Jack when he moved in with her family. Jack is and always will be her little brother, even if they aren't blood related. She and her family give him the life he didn't and the space to thrive, and neither she or Jack would trade it for the world even after all these years.

Pomni/Penny & Amber: Bigger Than The Whole Sky

Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye. You were bigger than the whole sky

Hehe ya'll gonna hate me for this one. But yeah, after Penny went missing, it hit Amber like a freight train. Penny was her baby, she watched her daughter go through hell and back, and helped with her healing, watched her fall in love, comforted her through her heartbreak and the next day she disappeared, and no one can find her. She grieves her daughter every day, as though she truly passed away. She and Penny had a relationship like no other, there's nothing stronger than a mother's love for her child.

Riley & Amber: Dear Reader

The greatest of luxuries is your secrets. Dear reader, when you aim at the devil make sure you don't miss. Never take advice from someone who's falling apart

While Amber loves Penny, never once did she neglect Riley or see her problems as inferior. She loves both her babies more than anything. But she can tell that Riley has gone through a lot, watching her father grow apart from her and seeing her little sister get hurt over and over again. This song is kinda reminiscent of chapter 3 (with Amber reassuring Riley that she's not wrong to feel upset with her dad), but also Amber teaching Riley what she knows and so she doesn't make the same mistakes as she did.

Amber & Riley & Pomni/Penny: Never Grow Up

Oh, darlin', don't you ever grow up. Don't you ever grow up. Just stay this little. Oh, darlin', don't you ever grow up. Don't you ever grow up. It could stay this simple

Let's end it off bittersweet with our three girls. This is reminiscing over her daughters, more so the good moments of their childhood (David isn't in these memories which isn't a surprise). It kind of hits Amber when she sees her girls all grown up and living their own lives, just how far they've come since they were kids. She gave birth to them, helped them take their first steps, cried at their first words, dropped them off both at their first days at school, teasing Riley over her first crush on a girl, comforting and spending each day Penny was in hospital after the accident, letting them cry in her shoulder over David leaving, reassured Riley that she wasn't abandoning Penny once the older of the two left for college, helped Penny overcome her eating habits, watched her girls fall in love. It leaves her tearful and proud of how much they've grown.

I hope you guys enjoyed this, and keep an eye out for my next funnybunny fic on ao3 and tumblr called 'Royally Screwed'. It's a royal AU based on the ideas and art of one of my friends on discord and I hope ya'll like it when it comes out!

[eomma-jpeg]

In The Meadow - Music Analysis

i said i was gonna post bc i love music analysis and i love my beloved characters, so if you too have an obsession, then this is for you.

The Playlist

I think I may just go down the line

The Meadow - Nickel Creek

This song was one that i just happened to be listening to when I started writing ‘in the meadow’ but i liked it and the kind of… building and dynamic of the relationship in the song that I decided to use the song as inspiration and where i get all the chapter titles lol

Ultimately the relationship in the song doesn’t go anywhere, but the narrator still hears that person they decided to fall in love with, and they use the echo of a voice in the meadow as their reminder and it just,,,, i liked it so much and i still listen to it multiple times a day lol

You and Me - Lifehouse

So this song is specifically on here because of this comic by faestorian

It just…. Yeah, there’s not much to say except its from Knives perspective… and I love him and how easily distracted he is by her.

Not Strong Enough - boygenius

This song,,, just has Knives written all over it. Specifically these lines

I don't know why I am

The way I am

Not strong enough to be your man

I tried, I can't

Stop staring at the ceiling fan and

Spinning out about things that haven't happened

Breathing in and out

I just think it shows Knives’ overthinking and eventual kind of decision that he thinks he’s not enough for her or could never be worthy of the kind of benevolence she gives him, and so he’s trapped in his own mind about stuff

The line ‘i don’t know why i am the way I am’ is repeated throughout the song and… i just felt like knives is always asking himself why he is this way even though he knows but at the same time he doesn’t know why he and vash reacted so differently to the same trauma and its just so frustrating for him.

Also the line ‘Always an angel, never a God’.... thats a good line, especially in the knives context

Liar - Paramore

So liar was on here initially as a millyons song, but has since undergone a vashmeryl transformation, so the song applies to the both of them

Its just a song about how you tried to hide things about yourself from the person you love to keep them safe, but ultimately you realize that the person who you wanted to keep safe was the one doing the protecting, and you don’t know why you ever needed to lie to them

I love this in a millyons context bc i think Knives at first tried to hide himself from Milly, and then ultimately realized ‘why am i doing that? She’s only trying to help me’ 

It takes a lot for the boy to accept help

In a vashmeryl context, its the both of them… but mostly vash

They just cant figure out why they tried to hide from one another, when its obvious they care so deeply

This second verse is so good for vashmeryl

I got too good at fighting chemicals

And dodging arrows I was asking for

Wading through the fog and then it disappeared

Naked when I'm here

And why should I deny what's all

At once, so crystal clear

And i just really like paramore a lot

The Bomb - Florence + the Machine

This song,,,, geez

I initially liked this song for knives and milly, but it works so much better as a song from meryl’s perspective about vash. 

It just is told from the pov of a person who has fallen for someone who never does any good for themselves, always getting hurt or hurting others in the process. The line 'unavailability is the only thing that turns you on’ is so raw and very good for meryl as a person who just thinks that vash lives in this constant of ‘i want so many things i can never have’ and thinks he can never have them

And yet meryl is always there to try and give him anything

And then the second half of the song it switches, the narrator is now explaining that that is what they have fallen for, the destruction and unavailability and the chaos

They just love to convince themselves that they love each other for the worst reasons.

Savior Complex - Phoebe Bridgers

So savior complex was added to accompany the idea that Milly herself has one, and this song is just one of my all time favorites and I needed it to be included

The relationship in the song is kind of implied to go poorly (as most one sided savior complex relationships do) but i love the lyrics to the build up

Crocodile tears, run the tap 'til it's clear

Drift off on the floor

I drag you to the shore

Sweating through the sheets

You're gonna drown in your sleep, for sure

I think,,, these lyrics relate quite well to how milly felt in the beginning of ‘in the meadow’, just desperate to help and seeing his own desperation for something different, a change, and Milly decides she going to do whatever it takes to help him through it

Crave - Paramore

I just love paramore. I’d put their entire new album on this playlist if i could

This song is uhhh from Knives’ perspective and his just desire to remember everything about Milly. Every moment of every day is just, he craves it. He wants to be near her even if he doesn’t quite understand why.

The song also delves into like, unhealthy practices and how you still crave those terrible times because of the familiarity,,,,,, and if that isn’t knives i don’t know what is

‘I romanticize even the worst of times’

(You) On My Arm - Leith Ross

This song is just a silly “I would do anything for you” song from Knives’ perspective.

It just talks about the most mundane things and being in love and im just a sap for knives becoming a sap for milly.

Apple Pie - Lizzy McAlpine

This song AHHHH for vashmeryl !!!!!! THE ONE SHOT T-T

It just is about a person who is your home away from home and how no place could be complete without this person and despite moving around and finding new adventures and new beginnings, you wouldn’t be able to do it without that one person

I think that vash is like that about meryl

The story is told from the perspective of a person who is constantly moving and changing, but they need that one consistent of the person they love, and vash is very much that way for me about meryl; he needs to return to her, or at least keep her nearby

Some day we can be in the same city

Some day we'll be grown and I'll be fine with packing up

Cardboard boxes filled and sad farewells

And I'll be fine we'll pack a bag

As long as I don't say goodbye to you as well

I think, eventually vash realizes that home is not a place, because he’s never really had a home except for the seeds ship, and meryl becomes that comfort for him

It’s Alright - Mother Mother

This song… is a doozy

So the main voice of the song is someone overcome with guilt, just unable to kind of forgive themselves for whatever mistakes they’ve made, which I really liked for knives, but the most important part is the second chorus !!!!!

The first chorus is from a first person perspective of the song’s author, but the second chorus is from an outside perspective !!! And I like to think of it as milly comforting knives during moments when he doubts he can be a good person

It's alright, it's okay, it's alright, it's okay

You're not a monster, just a human

And you made a few mistakes

It's alright, it's okay, it's alright, it's okay

You're not gruesome, just human

And you made a few mistakes

Please just,,, listen to the song and tell me the verses don’t just SCREAM knives

Eraser - Ricky Montgomery

So this song i haven’t had a lot of time to dissect this one, but i think its just kind of a perspective of milly trying to comfort knives despite his flaws and feelings of guilt. The first verse is just the narrator figuring out whats going on, and then it moves into the chorus which provides kind of a solution, stating that the “eraser” doesn’t have to ruin their life over something so small.

I just like the comforting aspect. The voice of the song is convincing their target that everything is okay, and even when its not they can work it out together, avoid anyone else and just breathe

Hate to See Your Heart Break - Paramore 

Soooo this song is just chapter 23,,,,, and the both of them (mostly milly) just aching inside because she can see his heart breaking over and over again and it kills her inside, so milly just provides solace and comfort in the fact that thats what being a human is. Sometimes it hurts so much, but she’s there to remind him that there is light and she wants to be that light T-T

For all the air that's in your lungs

For all the joy that is to come

For all the things that you're alive to feel

Just let the pain remind you hearts can heal

My heart hurts anytime i listen to this song cuz i can just see like,,, milly comforting knives in any given scenario, desperate to convince him of the good and hating the pain in his expression

A New Kind of Love - Frou Frou

I really like this song for Vashmeryl because its kind of a dance of the mundane, as well as finding the love within

Because the first verse of the song kind of dabbles in the way the love becomes a branded thing, just something you buy or is fleeting, but the voice of the song and whoever they are addressing find a love despite this new kind of love

I just like vash and meryl finding each other in that classic kind of love, and just eventually realize theyve both fallen hard for one another

I also like the verse that talks about how busy each person has become, and the kind of mundane act of disregarding the person you love because you’re afraid of the outcome…. Yeah

Agoraphobia - Autoheart

Yeah this song was put on there specifically for knives and his innate desire never to leave the house again,,, just kind of lock himself away from the scary aspects of the world and life.

Slow Dancing - Aly & Aj

I love this as a vashmeryl song, specifically them getting to know each other after years of knowing each other,,, y’know?

Just the heartfelt act of having been around one another and having fallen deeply in love, but now they have to relearn how to interact, how to behave when someone isn’t hunting you down or chasing you from town to town. 

And they both realize it doesn’t need to be fancy or extraordinary,,, it just needs to be real.

Iris - The Goo Goo Dolls

Okay, this song is on everyone’s ship playlist, and it often ends up paired with vashwood, but I liked it as a song from Knives’ perspective for milly

Especially the chorus

And I don't want the world to see me

'Cause I don't think that they'd understand

When everything's made to be broken

I just want you to know who I am

Knives ultimately doesn’t care what anyone else thinks, they don’t have any say in what he does or doesn’t do, but he does care about milly and what she thinks and how she’ll react, and he knows he can always turn to her for comfort, because thats what milly is… pure comfort. 

And for the first time in his long life, he wants someone other than Vash to know everything about him

Make You Feel My Love - Adele

Milly and Meryl energy in this one !!!!

Initially i had it as a milly song, where she kind of wants knives to know that no matter what she’s going to be there for him to comfort and offer support whenever

But i do like the idea of Meryl being like,,,, im going to make you understand that i love you no matter the circumstances, rain or shine i will be there and you will accept it because I love you, you DUNCE

Never Ending Summer - Wes Reeve

Uhh i added this song mostly for vibes and because I liked the idea of Milly saying ‘kiss me hard, touch me soft on the weekends’

:D 

It’s just a lovely song about like,, love blindness and i think that milly and knives will suffer from that for a bit

Graceland Too - Phoebe Bridgers

So i added this song purely for the line ‘Whatever you want me to do, I will do’, and then the repetition of ‘whatever she wants’ because i like the idea of this song being from Knives’ perspective as he watches milly kind of… unravel ? in moments when she’s working too hard or needs a break from the world, he wants to be there for her. 

I just love the idea of unfailing love… and uhhh we won’t read to far into that.

[the-scarlet-witch-22]

Hiiiiii me again so prepare for a novel length ask 😵‍💫 sometimes I just can’t shush.

I agree with you soooooo much about the finale and Agatha/Rio. It was so interesting to watch it unfold - like the almost kiss in the forest? My impression of that was Agatha had received special treatment from Rio because of their relationship (which we got confirmation of this) and that she had a moment she thought that happened again - that somehow Rio had given Nicholas back as Billy. And Rio knew that, too, which is why she stopped Agatha from kissing her - Agatha was having soft, grateful feelings to Rio, thinking she had her son back - and Rio couldn’t let her believe that. Or didn’t want her to.

But I agree, they aren’t getting back together - Agatha made that hella clear. Even if she still has feelings for Rio, she can’t get past the loss of her son. Rio took Nicholas, and while it was her job to, there are some things that just can’t be repaired.

I also admittedly laughed really hard when Agatha came back as a ghost. Not only did she keep Rio from getting Billy, she siphoned Death’s power in a farewell kiss, and did…whatever she did, to become a ghost and keep Rio from taking her spirit. Total power move.

Plus..Rio does not like ghosts at all. I wish I could stick it to my ex in that next level petty of a fashion.

Ghost!Agatha x Reader has wriggled its way into my subconscious, so there’s that, too. Ahem.

Was Eras completely magical? Did you go with your wonderful girlfriend? Details on your outfit, please? 💜

Also also, sending you a huge hug on the post about your mother. I am so sorry you have to live that way. I live in a red state and while my family is VERY BLUE, my heart breaks for anyone who doesn’t feel they can be safe and supported with their family.

I hope you’re having a lovely night. 💜

- 🌸

Hi my friend <3 (my response is sooo long so I’m gonna cut it hahaha)

Oh wow I really like your interpretation on that moment between Agatha and Rio in episode 4. I almost took it as a warning, I guess, or to maybe set Agatha's expectations. Because yes absolutely Agatha has received special treatment, like Rio said more than any mortal before her ever did, and I think she's aware to some extent the power she holds over Rio. What's interesting to me when looking at their relationship, is the majority of the manipulation comes from Agatha. It's funny that the personification of Death doesn't hold the upper hand, but I do think it's very fitting with Agatha's character. Anyways, I kind of saw it as Rio warning Agatha, 'that boy is not yours and he shouldn't be here'. And I think her reasoning on that definitely was because she still had feelings for Agatha, ya know? Taking Nick destroyed them, and maybe in her mind she thought 'well I'm warning Agatha, so it won't be an issue. He's another woman's son anyways'.

Gosh that was way too long, hahaha. But yes I completely agree! I am super intrigued to watch them interact in the future...especially with Tommy now being back. I fear Rio is not gonna be too thrilled with Agatha doing all of this for another woman's kids LOLL can't say I blame her. And the Agatha ghost bit SENT ME. Taking ghosting to a new level of petty, in true Agatha Harkness fashion <3

I'm really playing around with a ghost!Agatha fic!! I'm sooo behind on writing but the idea I have is kind of depressing, lol but I'm gonna try and think of a more upbeat version.

Oh my gosh the Eras Tour was actually one of the best nights of my entire life, no exaggeration. I love Taylor Swift, she's on a good portion of my writing playlists. I actually started crying when it started, which is embarrassing af but I don't care!! And yes! I went with my girlfriend (who acquired the tickets, she's a rockstar and we love her), and one of my friends & her girlfriend! I love the song Maroon (which she played a night later rip haha), so I found these sparkly burgundy pants and a maroon themed shirt and paired with Nikes that had a burgundy swish on them.

Also thank you for saying that <3 It's really hard being in a mainly conservative family. I'm genuinely so happy that your family is voting Blue, at this point it just feels like a difference between having morals and not. I'm also tired of these past few elections feeling so stressed, idk, things have just taken such a drastically dark turn and I hate that we ended up here. My response is SOOO long and I apologize but I hope you're well, thank you so much for the ask <3 (I'll post a pic of the concert separately because this is already so long asdhasfhjas)

[chibishortdeath]

Fuck it, Simon Belmont, because why not you basically themed your blog after him

You don’t have any specific numbers, so I’m just answering every question >:3c mwahahaha—

1. “Why do you like this character”:

A lot of reasons!!! First off, most of his games are super fun and some of my favorite platformers just in general. I replay CV1, Simon’s Quest, and SCV4 most often cause they’re a real joy to play! I also absolutely LOVE Simon’s story, I’ve considered making comics about it if I could ever get out of recent art block whoops, even though I’ve seen many people say he doesn’t have one (´TωT｀). His designs are really cool, he’s got great music in his games, there’s just a lot to love and I’ll explain more in detail in other questions.

2. “Favorite canon thing?”

I really like the concept that he looks up to Christopher as this legendary hero and then ends up considered the same kind of legendary hero by Juste and others after him. It’s pretty ironic, kinda bittersweet, especially after being hated for so long. Castlevania loves its cycles like that. Also just Simon’s Quest in general, I love that game.

3. “Least favorite canon thing?”

Ooo that’s very hard. There’s kinda a lot of things about him that aren’t explained or confirmed, especially personality wise, but I kinda like that in a way cause it leaves room for interpretation and whatnot. Idk hmmm. I’m gonna go with Grimoire of Souls in general. I had some hopes for it, but it ended up being kinda lame. A lot of the characterization was weird and don’t even start me on things like the Cursed Whip theory being in there 💀. So I just choose to ignore it and not consider it canon.

4. “If you could put this character in another media, what would it be?”

I have thought about drawing him as if he was a character in other series for ages lol. I’ve already drawn him as a Pokémon trainer, I’ve thought about drawing Castlevania and Soul Eater crossovers before, and I tried drawing him in the style of Resident Evil 1 but could not get the art style down. Idk put him in Fortnite or something that’d be funny we already got Solid Snake so Konami has been in talks with them I guess X,,,,,,,,,,D

5. “What’s the first song that comes to mind when you think of them?”

Probably either Simon’s Theme (of course lol) or Bloody Tears, but I do wanna mention that I have a YouTube playlist of songs I wanna make Simon animations with eventually (alas animation is HARD).

6. “What’s something you have in common with the character?”

Mostly negative things unfortunately d(;w; ). Like self comparison, doubt in my own abilities, trouble making and keeping friends, etc etc. Although a lot of these are based on assumptions and interpretations, as a lot of him usually is. Simon does have a really similar hair color to me on the NES box art tho so that’s cool.

7. “What’s something the fandom does with this character that you like?”

There’s a lot of really nice art of him!!! Usually portraits, but sometimes there’s other doodles and whatnot too :3. Cool fan redesigns too! I also have seen a lot of neat headcanons, a lot of which I’ve adopted. I also appreciate the Captain N reunion stuff for the most part, it’s pretty wholesome.

8. “What’s something the fandom does with this character that you don’t like?”

I’ve seen a lot of comics, especially around when Smash Bros Ultimate came out, that were really… weird. I think all of them could kinda be boiled down to “old = bad” in the way that the artists probably just found out he was from the 1600s and then decided to make him the Boomer to Richter’s Gen Z for whatever reason (ya know despite Richter being from the 1700s but anyway). Simon would either be the jerk in the situation and/or the butt of the joke. I don’t think that Simon would have any issue with any of the female characters’ outfits let alone start harassing them for it. I saw some comics that made fun of him for not speaking very much in some genuinely disgusting ways too. Like making him not able to read or practically just the generic caveman stereotype. Especially in cases where the artist would depict other silent NES protagonists really nicely after making Simon out to be a complete idiot and asshole. There was also the trend of making him generally be all “oh no witchcraft!!!!!!!!!! What sin!!!!!!! The horror!!!!!!!!” about like anything and everything. I guess a lot of this comes from Smash Bros fans not usually being fans of Castlevania, but I’ve seen it in the Castlevania fandom too just less frequently. There’s also the “Simon has no story” thing oof. I’ve seen people tell people to skip his games or play fan games instead before :(

9. “Could you be roommates with this character?”

Realistically, no, my room is too small for another person :(. If that wasn’t an issue, then yeah probably :).

10. “Could you be best friends with this character?”

I WOULD REALLY LIKE TO—

11. “Would you date this character?”

No, he’s probably married, generally feels more like a bestie, and I’m aroace lol

12. “What headcanon do you have for this character?”

Too many oh my god. I think he probably makes things. That’s a very vague sentence lol, but think like armor, knives, general woodworking, all his necklaces and headbands and stuff, etc. He generally seems like he keeps to himself and lives mostly alone, so I can see him doing all that by himself. He keeps some bones and teeth of things he hunts most of the time. A lot of people have him as the most super Christian of the family, but I see him as like Christian but really not organized or strict about it, if that makes sense? I’ve seen someone else describe the Belmonts as like “Christopagan” before and yeah I think that fits. Idk why but I have consistently drawn him with his cross necklace in his mouth sometimes. I headcanon him as semiverbal (I think that’s the correct term for it, basically like inbetween speaking and nonspeaking). I like to think he’s like really average height for the 1600s cause he’s about as tall as other townspeople and skeletons and stuff. Which is funny cause that’d make him like 5’5-5’7 ish and that’s kinda short in modern day lol. And I guess that makes his 8bit sprite being used all the time make more sense XD. I have way more, I didn’t even get into Simon’s Quest related ones, but I don’t wanna make this too long aaaaaaaaaaaa

13. “What’s an emoticon that reminds you of the character or you think they’d use a lot?”

Ok this is funny cause I actually do have one for this and it’s got context. It’s the “:3”. So I was watching a bunch of people’s playthroughs one night cause I was bored and ran into a channel with a toooooon of speedruns of maps from Harmony of Despair. Whenever they’d get to a boss battle they’d use the typing feature just to go “hi” with a different cutesy emoticon every time, but when they got to Dracula they specifically went for the “hi :3” and then went “oh no :(“ when Dracula started attacking and now that’s the way I think he’d text I guess.

14. “Assign a fashion aesthetic to this character”

How does one properly explain how much this guy slays in one aesthetic term—

15. “What’s your favorite ship for this character?”

Oooooo, in canon probably like his wife (Selena) and/or the Mysterious Woman (who could be the same character depending on what theories you go by), but outside of that Simon Belmont x Getsu Fuma and I can’t even explain exactly why, but it’s pretty cute.

16. “What’s your least favorite ship for this character?”

Any BelmontXBelmont shipping ugh, it’s unfortunately really common on some places… also the whole Lucas or Pit or whatever other child character thing the smash bros fandom had ugh. I guess I also just don’t see the appeal of shipping any of the Belmonts with Dracula.

17. “What’s a ship you don’t hate but it’s not your favorite?”

I’ve also seen people ship him with Solid Snake, Palutena, or Bayonetta before. Ummm he doesn’t really have a lot of other characters he’s shipped with tbh. Idk I saw someone ship him with one of the priests from Simon’s Quest once.

18. “Relationship in canon you admire?”

Unfortunately he doesn’t really talk to people enough in game to form canon relationships 😔

19. “Relationship in canon you don’t like?”

I don’t even know if I can answer this one for the same reasons as the above 💀💀💀. I guess the townspeople hating the hell out of him, but I don’t hate that cause it’s kinda integral to the plot???? Yeah idk lol

20. “What character is the ideal best friend for this character?”

Simon and Shanoa would get along a lot I think. Sara too. Hmmmm… I think he and Alucard would probably also be good friends. Christopher too for many reasons. Simon just really needs friends my poor dude is out here in Dracula’s Castle and the Romanian countryside after being cursed alone like this poor guy :’(

21. “If you’re a fic writer, what’s your favorite thing to do when writing this character? What’s something you don’t like?”

I have not written much at all, however what small comics I have done I looooove to make sure to sprinkle in whatever symbols he has in the games into it. He has a lot of cool things ranging from like rose thorns to The Hanged Man card and a lot of them end up meaning things like martyrdom and whatnot idk I made a post about it a while ago :3. I also like specifically Simon’s Quest speculation stuff, like what if scenarios for the vague, left open spots of it. If it’s not something super angsty or lore heavy, it’s usually just wholesome character interactions or doodling him being comforted by Christopher or Trevor cause I was sad or something lol. As far as things I don’t like writing uh idk that’s hard, maybe just any kind of filler scenes cause I’m not very good at those oof. Dialogue is hard too 💀💀💀

22. “If you’re a fic reader, what’s something you like/don’t like to see in fics?”

I’ve mentioned a lot of things I don’t like seeing in uh question 8, but things I do like is when people really try to go full horror with him. I’ve seen some Simon’s Quest fics (sadly there’s very few :’3) that really try to get that same feeling of anxiousness and dread the game does and I love that honestly. It’s a really dark story in the series! I also saw one that went psychological horror with it with him kinda losing himself a little at night it’s just ough it’s cool :D! Simon is a horror protagonist! Make him afraid!!!

23. “Favorite picture of this character?”

Again, too many!!! X3

24. “What other character from another fandom reminds you of them?”

Not from fandoms I am in (yet, hopefully I’ll get into these), but Ragnvaldr from Fear and Hunger I’ve heard is just directly inspired by him and Alfred from Bloodborne also, to me, seems heavily inspired by him. The whole Vilebloods section seems very Castlevania inspired tbh. From other fandoms I’m in, that’s hard to say, there’s not really any I don’t think.

25. “What was your first impression of this character, is it the same as now?”

Well I got into Castlevania through Smash Bros and at first was completely indifferent about him, he was just kinda fun to play as. Then Richter got me to play SotN and actually get into the series more. I had no idea I had SotN on XBOX360 for a long time, but that made it pretty easy to start playing. And now I am absolutely hooked and Simon is my favorite character so uh yeah X3.

26. “Freebie!”

I guess I just say anything? Ok, I am currently half trying to cosplay Simon’s Simon’s Quest design rn! I have like everything but the armor, but I’ll have to wait a while to be able to get materials for it oof. But yeah :). Hopefully that works out. 

Ok yeah that’s pretty dang long wow, but yeah, thanks for the ask!!!! I am happy to rant about Simon anytime :3

[iliveforyouilongforyouvesuvia]

guess what iii haaaave😏😏😏😏THATSRIGHTMOREMURIELSONG

https://youtu.be/oQvqDYrCi_k

its not as creepy as it can seem (at least thats what the youtube comments keep saying lol) but yeah its just the guy trying to assure the girl he doesnt want to leave her like she thinks he will cause he actually does like her and they fit well together, shes just scared 🥲 now why does that sound Familiar cbfkptdgbc also morga with that one line at the end there killing the mood lmao

and if you DO like it creepy then i think it can fit just as well for muriels reversed👀👀

OH i remembered i got another for luciooo hold on *shuffleshuffle*

https://youtu.be/lOgfBGfaP6E

if you include the entirety of the song theres a lot of interpreting possibilities for the most part i think like about his self awareness n morality n shit BUT the part that i picked this one for that hits the best is the "you can run from those demons until you are exhausted/one day you will have to stop and question what they wanted" LITERALLY. LITERALLY HIM DONT EVEN AT ME chDhfjg

oh maybe ill just ask while im here already Do you have a favourite reversed ending? :D

Two golden suggestions! I'll link them below, as always, so others can see them ^.^ and they are absolutely going on the tag and playlist!

And I don't actually have a favorite reversed ending - they're all painful in their own ways :')

Thank you for the song suggestions and the accompanying commentary, @tetsuooooooooooo! I always look forward to seeing your submissions :D

[videostak]

spotify srsly sucks so much ass like i need to get a cd player in my car and never use my sisters car ever again cause like i waas lsitening to my playlist and 2010 by cornelius came on and i was like wtf thats like my least fav song by him maybe i added it on accident and then while waiting for my sisteer to geet out of work i checked the playlist and it wasnt even on there so i was like wtf and then it played a herbie hancock song from takin off on the way home and iwas like wtf i havent evne heeared that album!? and then my sister was like oh yea spotify will play random recommended songs if its played every song in ur playlist (which it hasnt since my playlist is like 43 hrs and i litereally add songs to it regularly) and like thats insane but what was rly truly insane and has me so annoyed is that she was genuinley confused as to why i was annoyed that it would do that like we kept going back n forth and she was like "oh yea well thatss how i discover new music and if u dont want taht to happen u just have to keep adding and restart ur playlist anytime u open the app" and seemed COMPLETELY oblivious to why someone would be like annoyed/making fun of an app that plays stuff on a playlist that was not put on the playlist by you like kinda defeats the purpose of a playlist to just throw random songs on it algorithmically lol. but what annoyed me most was that like my sister was legit confused as to why that would be a pet peeve to have on ur app lol. like i kept saying like thats dumb cause i put the songs on the playlist i want to hear hence it being my playlist and she kept saying like oh yea but just restart the whole playlist if u dont want that to happen or add more songs which is like insane since i already have tons of songs on it it hasnt played once and having to go restart the playlist by clicking another playlist then going back to teh playlist u want to listen to is insane bs. worst app!

[perexcri]

Perexcri’s back with another wonderful byler fic 🕺🕺

Will would definetely be a music snob in college o my god its so perfect! I didnt even think of this but its very in character, new headcanon unlocked ✅ (canon Mike Wheeler would, however, never argue with Will Byers. That boy is too whipped. /j)

I love the layout in this one, the way it looks like a mixtape is SO on brand and I JUST LOVE IT!!

I will be recommending this one to my poor friend who has to listen to me rant about random fanfics i find every day (i’ve also recommended aftry to them a few months back and we still talk about it lol)

I hope you’re doing well! :] 🫶

AHHHH HELLO FRIEND!! i'm so glad you read and liked the new fic :D my sincerest apologies for still being stuck on the rose, but at least there's 50k of this au to help pass the time, right?

i am a firm lover of the Will is a music snob headcanon, mostly because i think it's so funny. also, yeah, Will is nice and quiet and sweet and open-hearted to all around him, but he can also be a brat and can run his mouth. which is why this one was so fun to write!! it's fun to explore Will with those softer sides to him, but i also do enjoy making him more sarcastic or acting like the annoying little brother that he is, because i think those are aspects of his canon self, too

plus, i just. think he would be a music snob. everyone on byler tumblr talks about Mike's spotify playlist a lot, but i don't see a lot of people talking about Will's, and if you listen to it...yeah, i 100% think he'd be a music snob. his playlist is a lot of what i was listening to in middle school when i was determined to not like any music that was popular at the time and/or only wanted to listen to "real" music. he even has 3 Jack White music projects on that playlist!! THREE!!!! he has high standards and thinks he is Right, and while i don't believe he'd shove his opinions down everyone's throats, i do think he would hold to his standards

which, not that it matters in the least bit, but this is all to say that i don't think he'd listen to taylor swi[GUNSHOTS]

anyway!! glad i could convert you to my headcanon lol 😌✨

i'm also so so glad you liked the layout!! i've been wanting to do more with different formatting options on ao3 (without venturing into the realm of work skins lol), so this one felt like the perfect opportunity to do so! and i liked keeping it with a classic rock/blues/folk theme for the titles. i was originally gonna title the fic "hold me like a grudge" from the new fall out boy album and do all the subtitles based on fall out boy lyrics, but i'm kind of glad i strayed away from my addiction to Pete Wentz's wordsmithing and went for the classic stuff instead :]

and the fact that you would even consider telling your friend is a honor to me 🥺 AND the fact that you told them about aftry?? ANDDDD you guys still talk about it? you're trying to put me in an early grave, i think. my heart can't take this anymore T_T

but seriously, i'm so so glad you enjoyed it and took the time to read it!! it means the world to me, especially because i did not anticipate this fic turning into the length of project that it ended up being. i thought it'd be like 20k words, max. oh how wrong i was

thanks for being lovely, and thank you for stopping by with such kind words!! i'm wishing you all the best and hope you're doing well, too :] 💜💜💜

[auspex]

(gehenna-calling) MARKSONGSMARKSONGSMARKSONGS. theme… one related to his clan or his relationship with his clan? ALSO do you have any songs for mark + sampson?

YES MARKSONGS i LOVE ty @gehenna-calling okay okay lets see most of them relate to his sire specifically but hm the most general one...

other than the aforementioned To Modern Science which is the more positive one... but 2 explain why i think it relates to his relationship w his clan i would say that its because he does have some pride in tremere being the ones that seem to be researching and improving rather than just being hedonists or money grabbers LMFAO even if he realizes most of em are selfish about it and that some of the older ones do seem to stagnate and only care about prestige, theres still something there and thats the part he likes.

Spellbound is a CLASSIC Tremere song but it fits how the elders in the tremere really throw their weight around to the poor younger apprencties (we play in 2000 so the pyramid is v intact)

-

as for the second question... it got long but i promise if u care its a v good song

Uh I Might have a whole playlist just for just mark and sampson (FEEL FREE 2 ASK ABOUT THAT...) :v the ones on mark's personal playlist are abt how he feels abt sampson and not like mutual relationship sooooo actually let me get one from the mark x sampson playlist:

these lyrics are just too good literally almost all of them are perfect. if you know abt mark and sampson read the lyrics first b4 u read mine and just see how perfect it is. anyway let me explain now. let me go insane for a bit. ready?

Every time you get a drink/ And every time you go to sleep/ Are those dreams inside your head?/ Is that sunlight on your bed?

ok FIRST OFF Theres a whole THING about how Mark can't remember his dreams anymore, and also with Sampson being SUPER CAGEY about if Kyle shows up in his dreams. And then obviously the dual meaning with drinking with sampson getting drunk and/or mark drinking blood. and then with the sunlight - idk theres something but i cant articulate it.

moving on

Every time you're driving home/ Way outside your safety zone/ Wherever you will ever be/ You're never getting rid of me.

Mark has gone sooo much out of his comfort zone into really dangerous spots but he always came home or let sampson know he was and one time he didnt and he got really nervous :( anyway now we are getting to the main crux of the song which is owning/being owned and being stuck. So with the blood bond and the ghoul, sampsons kinda stuck. you cant forget about kindred society once ya know it, and he isnt about to leave mark for another kindred domintor LOL. So. Never getting rid of him. But ALSO Mark isn't about to let him go either...

You own me/ There's nothing you can do/ You own me

Mark LITERALLY by Camarilla law owns sampson basically :( very fucked. and he has to to keep him safe. rogue ghouls get killed in detroit.

You could've made a safer bet/ But what you break is what you get/ You wake up in the bed you make/ I think you made a big mistake

few diff ways to interpret it, but Mark does worry he has made mistakes in the way he's handled everything. But he's stuck where he is now! And even if Mark isn't the one who broke sampson, sampson is a broken person.

Skipping the second chorus.. only new thing is "Lucky you"... THEN THE FUCKING BRIDGE.

You clean yourself to meet/ A man who isn't me/ You're putting on a shirt/ A shirt I'll never see/ The letter's in your coat/ And no one's in your head/ 'Cause you're too smart to remember/ You're too smart/

Lucky you/ Lucky you/ Lucky you

Besties the LAYERS here.

I interpret this is Mark cleaning himself up/putting on a persona for Julius who mark wants to make sure sampson never meets. but mark cares a lot about julius due to blood bond. anyway. Then the SECOND part starting with And No One's in your head is about SAMPSOn cause MARK has Julius in his head, but sampson doesnt have anyone afaik, AND Sampson has memory problems....

and they're both stuck w each other and. Mark would definitely be sarcastic and be like "well i guess you're stuck with me, lucky you" but really sampson IS lucky that mark is still trying to be a decent guy - sampson def deserves even better but just statistically many kindred become awful and ksadjflksajf this song is so perf thanks if u read sm

[chained-by-secrets]

e, j, o, x

From Doc's Homebrew Alphabet Meme!

Element - what is their horoscope and/or their Chinese zodiac?  do they believe in it?  which element best represents them? what's their opinion about predestined compatibility?

His Astrological sign is Aquarius (nothing deeper because I'm lazy lol) and his Eastern sign is a Fire Dragon

Not really. He underreacts to labels and titles like that and when people say "oh that's such an Aquarius mood" he doesn't understand what that means. He doesn't get judging people based on their immutable characteristics or lumping people in with generalizations

My first thought was the obvious "earth" but I think he's more "water". He's an ice king metaphorically - sturdy, distant, blunt. But he's also water in the more traditional way in that he's malleable and goes with the flow (hah), he insists that all you see of him is the surface and, of course, he grows plants

If you asked him about "predestined compatibility" he'd ask something humorously serious such as "There must be some mistake; I wasn't designed to be compatible with anything or anyone."

Junk - do they collect anything?  are there any objects which hold emotional significance for them?  if they were a dragon, what would they hoarde? what do they usually have in their pockets or purse?

He collects bugs and related creepy crawlies! He has several boards filled with butterflies and dragonflies, most of which he'd collected himself

His utility belt. No one, not even his parents, know why he's so attached to the damn thing but it's been with him since he was very small. It's old, worn, been severed once and subsequently stitched up but it's always with him

If he were a dragon, he'd hoard bones and books. Any kinds of bones, nonfiction books. Dictionaries in multiple languages, the bones of other mystical creatures. Books and bones for the fire dragon man

Another perk of the utility belt - pockets! He keeps all sorts of goodies in there, from pens to his wallet/ID to a couple of different types of gum for people he knows their preferences for. He'll hold spare change, some dog and cat treats, seeds, fun things

Opera - what kind of music do they like, or if they don't, why not?  which songs remind you of them?  can they sing?  do they enjoy dancing?

Parker isn't the type to listen to a lot of music (and its difficult for him to hear it half the time) but he likes classical and he'd never admit this but he also has a soft spot for stage musicals

I have a playlist! (you obvs don't have to listen to it lol)

He actually can. Really well. That's another secret thing of his that I don't know if any other characters in the group will ever hear because I picked the one FC who performed on Broadway before becoming an actor and said "hey so his character doesn't sing at all and has stage fright"

Psht, dancing requires emotion and Parker doesn't have any of that. He also doesn't think he can dance like at all so he doesn't bother. He'll watch you, though!

XRay - how do they handle doctor visits?  what's the worst injury they've gotten?  have they ever been to the ER?  do they have any medical issues or conditions?

He doesn't like them but he'll tolerate them. He's not a fan of hospitals, though he doesn't bear any disdain for doctors or nurses

The worst injury he's ever gotten was probably meningitis, if that counts. If it doesn't, he broke his femur when he was younger

He has a few times, I wanna say. Twice when he was a kid and once as an adult for being bitten by something venomous

Aside from being mostly deaf, he has an undiagnosed bird allergy and intermittent heart palpitations caused by anxiety (not that he knows that's what it is)

[temporarymoods]

"relax" time

hey bloggggerooni,

you're intercepting me in my personal time. you see, i've been employing apple calendar-- i cannot reccomend her enough-- and 10:07 PM puts us in the block of time labeled "Relax" and colored purple. I could do anything in these next two hours. And I decided to get a little high and talk to you.

<3

I haven't smoked in a while, it's true! Especially alone. A girl does not have the time. But I've been looking forward to it, knowing its at the priority list, but if I can just,, do enough,, to reach it. Lmao. I meant it when I said I've been busy.

Unfortunately, I've got so much, too much, sativa. I know, I know, so lame; shut up about weed strains. But I had to say it?! Why did I go crazy. Why did I do that. Lol. Anyway, the only non **wake up** product got with me is this hyrbid flower. Didn't even get the chance to think about rolling by the time I see this beautiful little blue bowl. Honestly viewer, I forgot where I got it from. Thus prompted the following one-handed-ly-typed note:

wherr did i get. t his bowl

I take notes a lot, when I'm awake. About lots of things, right. Here's another:

- directory ,, crm/?

So know they're (me) talking about those personal communications file flippers. Do you know the old ones? Where 90s business professionals used to keep track of how long its been since they last intereacted with a person? Boy have those had an effect on me. Why do I think about those all of the time. I just wished upon mine, but alas, it does not exist.

I've been thinking a lot today, yesterday. So much, in comparison to how much I've been looking at myself. Very little. So much so, that when I go to get a little high and on my porch with my blog, as a treat, hehe, and I see my reflection in the facetime app, it gives me pause. I am a person, I am a human, I'm one of them, the rest of them, who you think about all the time. And you've got people. Wait, who are those people? And how are they doing?

That might be something I need to do more.

- - -

Welcome to K-Ray94.4, this is your DJ Kate. For your considering, the following, without further ado...

Hawks | Jodi

Rubberneckerss | Christian Lee Hutson

End of Beginning | Djo

Salvation Army | Harrison Whitford

Calling the Shots | Jamie B.

Horable Mention: I'd Have to Think About It | Leith Ross

Guys, gals, pals, despite love, despite commitment, despite trust, I can not get myself to listen to anything other than indie/folk right now.

I'll be back, though, I'll be back................

That one bowl went berserk. Another? she asks.

Trader Joe's chocchip muffin for now, thanks.

Part of me's been wanting to change the theme on here, super randomly. Like it's too bright. I really like the old Microsoft look, haha, but want something darker...? Or I'm clinging to a passing vampirism fetish?

I can see the glowing lights of the city skyline from here. They're twinkling, like jewels, through the new gap in the tree foliage. Soon there will be more of them, and I'll have a warm drink, a scarf and mittens. I look forward to those times.

Lots to look forward to. !! :)

I've been liking these thoughts so far, catching their flow through time. I like writing; i just always get so scared.

Until soon, very soon, as there's lots to discuss, Kate 10/10/23 10:31PM

p.s. playlist 'momtober'