#third and fourth are position changes using the peanut

[abirddogmoment]

A variety of conditioning exercises using the inflatable peanut.

[senselessviolets]

“dream a little dream of me”

Roman Roy x Fem. Reader

Rating E

Word Count: 2.3k

AO3 Link

WARNINGS:

EXTREMELY dubious consent, somnophilia (reader is in and out of sleep), sleep/drunk sex (both Roman and Reader are drunk but Roman is more active/the one initiating during encounter), smut, alcohol, language, implied Roman eating disorder, erectile dysfunction mention, pervert!Roman, needy Roman, no uses of Y/N

Author's Notes:

A oneshot by @cum-a-calla opened my eyes recently and I realized “Roman + somno” might be my peanut butter & jelly. Like wow. What a concept.  Jokes aside, this fic is dark so PLEASE be wary of the warnings above. <3 

Summary:

Post-S4, Roman and Reader begin to date after working at Waystar Studios together. While they bond and flirt more and more, he continues to keep her at bay. One night, the two get extremely drunk at his apartment and suffice it to say—they both wind up getting what they want.

This was maybe your third or fourth time sleeping over. You honest to god never thought you’d make it this far. For all of his gross jokes and sexual provocations, Roman reviled intimacy.

It’s why when he first started to court you; you were so taken aback. You’d been around; you knew what the mumblings were about his ‘eccentricities’. You were the Director of Creative Affairs at the Waystar Studios L.A headquarters. A position you were remarkably young to have; your famous two-time Oscar-award-winning actress mother and prominent movie producer father having nothing to do with it at all.

Following the Gojo acquisition, Roman withdrew from executive operations, accepting the fact he no longer had a place there. That and he outright refused to be in the same room with Lukas Mattsson.

As such, he returned to the entertainment side of things (this time with no Frank to boss him around) and went back to living in L.A around the clock. Things hadn’t changed much in the three-year hiatus he had from working at Studios. 

Well, except for you. 

It was only in his absence that you got your job. You wondered had he been around during that time, if he would’ve made a stink over your dad pulling the strings and landing you the job. A practice that was completely foreign to him, no doubt. Of course with it being Roman, you knew with full certainty the answer—yes. Because who was he if not the world’s biggest hypocrite/walking contradiction?

You found this to be even more apparent after your first date. Roman made a point of booking the two of you a reservation for the most high-end, gourmet French restaurant in the city. Even though when the waiter came around to your secluded table with the 16 oz beef ribeye he’d ordered, Roman did no more than fidget with the garnish on the plate. 

While on that same date, though he’d surprised you at the beginning of the evening with an ornate bouquet of red roses and white orchids—he didn’t deign to even so much as hold your hand the rest of that night.

Three months later, you and Rome had exchanged a myriad of kisses and flirtatious squeezes around the office. The suggestive texts the two of you exchanged, making tempting offers and filthy propositions. All of that build-up only to result in chaste nights in at his flat, eating takeout and bitching about the latest tentpole flop your studio was in the midst of developing. It could be worse, you thought. To say your needs were being met, though, would be a lie.

Tonight was different. Tonight was heavy. 

The two of you had spent a good portion of the night sprawled out on the wooden floors of his living room, talking about nothing and downing a Japanese whisky neither of you could pronounce. The taste hadn’t left your mouths. You wondered if his would taste the same. 

After deciding to turn in for the night, you gradually make your way toward the master bedroom, stumbling over yourself. He stops you from colliding into the wall several times. You and Roman make the most obnoxious-sounding cackles as the both of you hap-heartedly flop onto his Hastens Superia bed. You let yourself fall deep into the cotton wool mattress, landing somewhere between sleep and a drunken haze.

You feel yourself be pried out of this state as a force slowly turns you so you’re on your back. You can tell by the faint outline of his fluffy hair that it’s him. In this lighting or lack thereof, you don’t really know for sure. You give a weak smile, maybe even whisper a small “hi”. He waits to proceed until the expression has fully faded from your face and the heaviness in your eyelids takes over. His lips made rough with the scratch from his beard, are forcefully pressed onto yours. Once again, you are ripped out of the peaceful purgatory between awareness and slumber you’d just been slipping into. It’s hard to not liven up at the wet sensation of his tongue slipping past your lips. 

Roman hadn’t ever kissed you like this.

Using your chin, he pries your mouth with his index finger so it's more open to him. Briefly, you consider gliding your tongue along his own, to reciprocate the motions, to achieve the taste you yourself so desperately craved. But you didn’t want him to stop. 

To get in his head like he had a tendency to. To sever himself from you yet again.

So you remain still. Pliant. His.

Meanwhile, his one free hand has wandered elsewhere. Roman’s fully straddling you at this point so you can feel a firmness in between his thighs that hadn’t been present before. The hand alternates from palming himself to cupping your bare mound. The chill of his fingers causes you to flinch. You suppose in the arduous journey to get to his bedroom, you must have lost your bottoms. You don’t entirely remember having ever taken them off yourself. 

It would remain a mystery.

The oversized white button-up blouse of yours has opened itself to Roman and his gaze. He moves the opposing sides of the fabric so they’re no longer covering your chest. Roman dives face first, smushing his face against the warm pillowy flesh of your breasts, inhaling deeply. He kneads them with his fingers and takes them into his mouth, sucking more gently than he wishes to. It’s clear Roman wishes not to disturb your ‘slumber’. 

He shows you a devotion other men had hardly shown you when you were fully awake. It was all a jumbled mess in your head. Due to the surrealness of the whole situation but also the liquor as well.

Instead of working his way downwards like most guys naturally would, Roman instead makes his way up to your neck, burrowing his head in the crook near your shoulder. He takes a deeper inhale of the tender flesh there. Eventually his nose prods into your hair which was strewn all over the pillow your head rests on. There were times at the office when you could’ve sworn he took a brief inhale of your hair when sneaking past you. You didn’t say anything. Even after you two had begun ‘dating’, you still didn’t question it.

While Roman halts his movements and lies on top of you, your mind drifts, thinking something to the effect of, ‘if he’s this much of a pervert when I’m asleep at night, what kind of disgusting shit does he get up to in the daytime behind my back’?

You have no time to dwell on the thought because something cold and slender traces your opening. Due to its tensility, you’re able to make out that its his finger that now fumbles around your entrance. There’s no foreplay, no crescendo because in an instant, Roman is inside of you. You can’t help but mumble a whimper at the sudden intrusion. He freezes, keeping the tip of his finger in you. When he sees you don’t stir and go back to sleep, he plunges what feels like his index finger deeper into you. So deep, you fear he’ll run out of space to fill. He stops just before it becomes too uncomfortable. Not that the interaction was all that pleasant. 

Mentally, you were aroused but physically, your body had yet to catch up.

“...not wet,” he says to himself. 

He withdraws his hand quickly, spitting multiple times on his now two fingers, and wedges them both inside of you. The lube of his saliva provides some slick but it’s still making you sore. 

“That better��? Hm…? Yeah…?” he coos, watching your emotionless face, “That what you need..?”

He smirks briefly when he sees your eyes flutter. 

“Oh…you dreamin’, baby? Hm, you dreaming about me?” Roman taunts, in a shrill soft voice, “You better be. You better fuckin’ be.”

You clench reflexively as he says it. Roman drags his lower teeth against the smooth skin of your arm as he continues to pump his fingers into you rapidly. Fast enough that your increasing wetness is audible in the still silence of his bedroom. Roman ceases all of his movements at once, letting out a sharp exhale. Gradually, he removes his fingers from your pussy and a moment passes before you begin to feel something warm and moist being smeared across your lips. You realize it's your own fluids. The notion makes your stomach flip.

Roman proceeds to lick it off your lips. His tongue becomes more and more greedy and taking the opportunity to drag along the sides of your full cheeks. You get the impression this is something he’d thought about doing before, if not entirely because of how slowly he does it. 

He’s fucking savoring it. 

‘This’ll be it. He’ll just continue to fuck around a little more and use it as spank bait later,’ you predict. 

The thought of Roman penetrating you with anything more than his fingers was truly unfathomable. There’d always been the rumor at work about him having ED (though the type of ED varied depending on who you were talking to) and needing the little blue pill to so much as jerk off. You never knew what to make of those claims. You disregarded them. But the stiffness that has been rutting against your hips and waist and thigh for the past half hour had you now wondering; ‘was he gonna go all the way?’.

A few more moments of nothingness pass. Then the metallic sound of a zipper being undone overwhelms your senses—the sonority soon replaced with dread. Even if he did position himself between your legs and bury himself fully inside of your unaroused cunt; ‘what would it really change?’ 

It wouldn’t suddenly make it ‘rape’.

 That ship had sailed several digits ago. 

You were on the pill if he decided to be lazy. You were clean and he had assured you many times he was as well—and you chose to believe him. The answer to your self-questioning was that it would simultaneously change ‘nothing’ and ‘everything’. 

So you brace yourself for his full weight on top of you once more along with the new sensation of being stretched open on his cock.

But it doesn’t come. 

Roman rolls off of you completely, laying adjacent to you on the mattress. There’s the rustling of fabric as he shimmies his slacks down his thighs. Roman’s hand flies to your wrist as he slides his dick into your relaxed grasp. Spitting into his palm and gliding the wet over the head of his cock, he begins to fuck your own fist in earnest. 

The most pitiful, squeaky boyish moans leave his lips and he pants them into your shoulder, hot from the heat of his breath.  

“F-f-fuck…oh f-ff…I…I fuckin’ need this, need this,” Roman whines into your hair, “Oh…oh…ohhh…needed this, need this, fuckin’ need this,”

His hips continue ramming into your hand at the same relentless pace. He’s clearly pent-up. Probably from the months of emotional anguish, familial turmoil, betrayal—with a dollop of grief on top. Small dabs of wetness is felt on your skin. At first, you think he’s drooling from arousal but you later realize those were tears. 

It doesn’t deter from his sheer desperation, his uninhibited need, all on display. 

You had been the one submitting yourself to him but somewhere along the way, the roles seemingly had become inverted. You hold back from biting your own lip. You had made it this far. You couldn’t fuck it up now. Not for him. If he stopped, you felt like you’d die a small death then and there. 

“Oh, please, my sweet. Sweet little thing, please be sweet. Please be good. Please take what you need. What you’ve earned,” you’d chant, if you were even capable of speech, “Please cum. Please cum now.”  

There’s no humanly possible way he could’ve heard your inner dialogue but his hips buck wildly and he unloads into your palm like he did. 

“Thank you, thank you, I needed it, I needed it, baby…oh, I fuckin’...I fuckin’ needed …,” he trails off.

His vibrating body eventually after a long while goes still. You’re able to unravel your hand off of his softening cock. The stickiness between your fingers is still lukewarm. If you had the strength or the agency, you might wipe it off with a Kleenex or onto the sheets or the perv in you may try to sneak a sniff or a lick. But you like him are beyond spent. He stays facing you, laying on his side, now sound asleep with a gentle snore. You remain on your back, shirt ripped open, naked from the lower half, face staring deep, deep into the void of the ceiling. 

It was this empty blackness—this dark—that you slowly felt yourself being compelled to. It’s where your darkest urges liked to dwell. The desires you never felt the courage to voice, even to those you trusted the most. It felt cliche to say you often saw Roman on the other side of this void. You got the impression it’s an island he’d marooned himself on for a long time. Every partner that tried to swim out to him sunk to the bottom of the ocean floor. And there they stayed in the depths of his subconscious. Submerged, sodden, drowned memory of a person that for years would continue to be buried by guilt. By shame. Fear. You refused to succumb to that same fate.

As you let the sleep overtake your tired limbs and melt into oblivion, you swear you see him in that void. Expressionless. He’s numb, like you. He’s scared, like you. He doesn’t know what he wants, much less what he needs. And neither do you. So in the meantime, you silently agree to meet him there in that void. In that black. Again and again. 

As long as you found each other in the end.

{ Feedback is welcome! }

Follow me on twt: @endlessviolets

<3

[caligulalotus]

ok now i will elaborate

so i'm sorting everything in the glossary screenshots i got (ty @blazeball ) into four categories: in the glossary before, in the glossary before, but changed, not in the glossary before, and no longer in the glossary. i'm cross referencing the new glossary with how it looked during season 24 from before.

in the glossary before, unchanged:

amplification (added during short circuits)

alternate

away team

ballpark

boost

bottom of the inning

charge (added during short circuits)

circuit (added during short circuits)

coffee

combo (added during short circuits)

commissioner

conference (added during short circuits)

day (added during short circuits)

debt

distortion (added during short circuits)

division (added during short circuits)

election

elsewhere (added during short circuits)

fan

feedback

fielder's choice

god's day

home team

honey roasted

impair

in

incineration

inning

inverted (still totally redacted definition)

lineup

losses

lots of birds

night (added during short circuits)

noise (added during short circuits)

non-losses (YUP. THOSE ARE STILL THERE.)

observed

out

outing

partying

pending

percolated

pity

player

preseason

receiver

released

reverb

reverberating

risk (added during short circuits)

rotation

run

shadows

shame

shame donor

[redacted] (technically, we all know from the definition and placement that it's shelled)

siesta

solar eclipse

superallergic (sorry nerd)

superyummy

[redacted] (the definition is just "Is.")

the coffee cup

the fourth strike

top of the inning

tribute

unstable

vote (yes, this means votes are still snacks!)

walk in the park

win

wins

in the glossary before, changed:

electric: the second definition has now been changed to state that the bloodborne ability can now strike away strikes and balls, rather than just strikes

flooding: the first two definitions remain unchanged, but the third definition, "a fan-made crisis", is gone

idol: the only change is that it does not say idols will reward fans with coins, just that they will reward fans.

internet series: instead of reading "contested since Season 6 of the Discipline Era, between the champion teams of the Wild League and the Mild League", it reads "contested since [redacted] between champion teams of the Uptempo Conference and the Downtempo Conference."

party time: the second half of the definition, "during which they may occasionally receive permanent stat boosts during games", has been removed

peanuts: two definitions have been removed. "2. A snack to be consumed during Blaseball games (not to be confused with Snacks)." and "3. An offering of tribute in the Hall of Flame." have been removed.

not in the glossary before:

[redacted]: A condensed outburst of [redacted] (starts with a c, in between charge and circuit)

discipline: 1. The practice of training people to obey rules or a code of behavior, using punishment to correct disobedience. 2. A branch of knowledge.

doubt: A lack of confidence, conviction, or faith.

fiesta: An official stoppage of Regular Season Play for the Observation of Parties.

good vibes: An increase in Cinnamon and Pressurization

a new(?) totally redacted word and definition in the "L" section. may have been in the glossary before but there's not really a way to know for certain if they're the same. (it might be, as some have speculated, legendary. if that's the case it was there before.

uptempo conference championship series: A postseason series to decide the Uptempo Conference Champion, their representative in the Internet Series.

bonus category: things i could've sworn were added during short circuits but weren't, apparently?

virtue: A quality considered good or desirable or associated with positive expected value.

prize match: A contest, usually between two Teams, granting the Winner a Prize from [redacted] in lieu of a Win.

snow: 1. Weather 2. Crystalized [redacted] that accumulates on the Field [redacted] modifying and potentially Freezing [redacted] (i'm certain this showed up during the circuits but i don't know what it's old definition was)

title belt: A Prize Forged by the Cheat [redacted] granting the Wielder invitation to Tournaments.

[redacted]: A contest, usually between two Teams, between [long redacted] granting the Winner possession of [redacted] in lieu of a Win.

no longer in the glossary

0 no

affinity for crows

apple

art gallery

base instincts

bird seed

black hole

blaserunning

bless off

blood bath

blooddrain (RIV)

burger

chaotic

charm

cheese board

chesapeake racetrack and ballpark (or: the crabitat)

chips

coin

concessions

consolidated debt

containment (oh no)

credit to the team

crunchy

curse of crows

earlpostseason

earlsiesta

like four redacted "e" terms

endseason

fifth base

fire eater

fireproof

first born

flickering

fliickerrriiing

flinch

flute

free refill

friend of crows

gravity

growth (thank god)

hall of flame

hard boiled

haunted (RIV...)

heating up...

home field advantage

hot dog

idol immune

inhabiting

latepostseason

latesiesta

lateseason

liberated

life of the party

loyalty

magmatic

midseason

mild

mild league championship series

[redacted]: a destroyed non-physical concept (started with o)

perk

pizza

popcorn

red hot!

refinanced debt

repeating

returned

roamin

saboteur

sealant

shop

siphon

snake oil

somewhat better

somewhat worse

spicy

squiddest

squiddish

stable

stale popcorn

star

steal

subjection

sub-league

sun 2

sunflower seeds

super idol

swap

targeted shame

tired

traveling

well rested

wild league championship series

will

wired

ok im not gonna elaborate without doing a read more but i am. obsessed with certain things in the new glossary. what's going on in there.

[girlactionfigure]

There is a popular quote that circulates every once in a while that reads “One person can make a difference and everyone should try.”

This individual holds a special place in my heart and also the hearts of many long-time Peace Page followers, who found this page after reading a simple story which mentioned her and which became one of the most popular posts on the Peace Page. Her name is Harriet Glickman, she is the teacher who decided to write a letter to Charles Schulz and ask him if he could create a black character on his Peanuts comic strip - that character would become Franklin, one of the first black characters in a popular comic strip. Harriet Glickman passed away Friday morning, March 27, 2020, at her home in Sherman Oaks. She was 93. Her passing was reported by a Peanuts-based website, which quoted a personal friend who said, her passing was "peaceful, in her sleep" and that the former schoolteacher had been "well prepared for this." They say representation matters, and Franklin, even though he was a fictional character, was noticed by many who did not feel they were being represented enough during those days. The original Peace Page post started: "On July 31, 1968, a young, black man was reading the newspaper when he saw something that he had never seen before. With tears in his eyes, he started running and screaming throughout the house, calling for his mom. He would show his mom, and, she would gasp, seeing something she thought she would never see in her lifetime. Throughout the nation, there were similar reactions. "What they saw was Franklin Armstrong's first appearance on the iconic comic strip "Peanuts." Although Charles Schulz deserves the accolades and credit for having the courage to create Franklin and standing by him when he started receiving racist demands to remove him, it was all started by a school teacher who decided to write a simple letter. "Harriet has a very interesting place in history," according to The LAist. "In 1968, she wrote to 'Peanuts' creator Charles Schulz asking him to do something remarkable at the time: integrate his famous comic strip." "Harriet Glickman was a white, 42-year-old suburban Los Angeles school teacher and mother raising three children when Martin Luther King was assassinated in 1968," according to the Press Telegram. According to NPR, she wrote, “Since the death of Martin Luther King, 'I’ve been asking myself what I can do to help change those conditions in our society which led to the assassination and which contribute to the vast sea of misunderstanding, hate, fear and violence.'” Glickman decided to write a letter to Schulz, not knowing whether he would actually read it or even whether he would receive the letter. Glickman was especially aware of the power of comics among the young. “And my feeling at the time was that I realized that black kids and white kids never saw themselves [depicted] together in the classroom,” she said in the Washington Post. She hoped this would bring the country together and show people of color that they are not excluded from American society. At the time, Schulz, the creator of the enormously popular “Peanuts” comic strip, was already being "published in hundreds of newspapers around the United States reaching nearly 100 million readers," according to the Press Telegram. Surprisingly, Schulz did respond, but wasn't sure whether it would be right, coming from him, he didn't want to make matters worse, he felt that it may sound condescending to people of color. Glickman persisted, however, continuing her correspondence with Schulz, even having black friends write to Schulz and explain to him what it would mean to them. She told Schulz that "the gentleness of the [Peanuts would be] 'the perfect setting' for such representation," according to CBR. “I am well aware of the very long and tortuous road ahead,” she added. “I’m sure one doesn’t make radical changes in so important an institution without a lot of shock waves from syndicates, clients, etc. You have, however, a stature and reputation which can withstand a great deal.” This conversation would continue until one day, Schulz told Glickman to check her newspaper on July 31, 1968. On that date, the cartoon, as created by Schulz, shows Charlie Brown meeting a new character, named Franklin. Other than his color, Franklin was just an ordinary kid who befriends and helps Charlie Brown. In a speech at American University of Health Sciences in Signal Hill, California in 2018, talking to a group of children and adults, Glickman said, the 1960s in the United States was “a time long before any of you were born, a time when not everyone was understanding of other people, when young African Americans couldn’t go to the same beach as white children and when schools were separate.” According to the Press Telegram, the Rev. Gregory Johnson, co-founder of American University of Health Sciences who invited Glickman to the event, said he wanted her to know what a profound effect her action with Schulz had on him. “I appreciate so much what you did in improving relations. I wouldn’t be here without you,” he said. Glickman was born in Sioux City, Iowa, and lived in Chicago before moving to Southern California and a job in the Burbank School District and eventually UCLA before retiring. Glickman explained in previous interviews that her parents were "concerned about others, and the values that they instilled in us about caring for and appreciating everyone of all colors and backgrounds — this is what we knew when we were growing up, that you cared about other people . . . And so, during the years, we were very aware of the issues of racism and civil rights in this country [when] black people had to sit at the back of the bus, black people couldn’t sit in the same seats in the restaurants that you could sit . . . Every day I would see, or read, about black children trying to get into school and seeing crowds of white people standing around spitting at them or yelling at them . . . and the beatings and the dogs and the hosings and the courage of so many people in that time." Glickman, according to The LAist, said someone once commented to her that "‘It took courage [to do what she did, to make a stand].’ I said, ’No it didn’t, it didn’t take courage for me to sit in Sherman Oaks in my comfortable home with my three children and type a letter.'" "Courage," she said, "was little Ruby Bridges, the little girl who integrated a school in the south who had to come with the National Guard with people spitting at her and yelling at her and throwing things at her and the parents who drew their children out. That was courage." Because of Glickman, because of Schulz, people around the world were introduced to a little boy named Franklin, and even today, when Franklin is mentioned, fond memories are evoked, such as those like the young, black man, who with tears in his eyes, started running and screaming throughout the house because he was introduced to Franklin for the first time. Barbara Brandon-Croft, the first African American woman to have a nationally syndicated comic strip in the mainstream press, was 10 years old in 1968, said, “I remember feeling affirmed by seeing Franklin in ‘Peanuts.’ ‘There’s a little black kid! Thank goodness! We do matter.’" When the Peace Page first shared its story about Franklin's birth, one Peace Page reader commented, "I normally don't comment on Facebook but I feel compelled to now. As a black child growing up in the 70's and 80's U grew up in mostly white neighborhoods. One of the most difficult things at that time is my sense of where I belonged in the world. I didn't have anybody in my position i could relate to on TV or in the movies. Then I started reading Peanut cartoons and I met Franklin and I saw myself for once. As a character, Franklin was so important to me I named my third son after him. thank you . . . for helping me find my place." That Peace Page story has now reached 22,498,877 people, receiving 2,091,450 reactions. It has inspired an Upworthy article and has been shared all over the world, including by media companies in Australia and Italy. When the Peace Page contacted the Charles M. Schulz Museum in Santa Rosa, California, one of the representatives said that Glickman regularly visited the museum and she was fondly called "Franklin's Mom." When she saw that Peace Page post, she commented on the Peace Page, "It's always a joy for me to share the Franklin story. I consider him my fourth child and he is very much loved." In the speech in 2018 at American University of Health Sciences, she told the audience that it still “feels like yesterday [when Franklin was introduced].” She said some things have changed, but others have not. “We still have so many problems on how we see each other,” she said in an article by the Press Telegram. She told the children: “You can make a difference in making the world a better place. When you see something that makes you feel angry or upset, don’t just complain, do something about it. And remember that we all care for each other; we’re all the same loving, caring people.” She then autographed a book introducing Franklin to Charlie Brown, “Nice to Meet You, Franklin!” and urged each youngster “to make a difference.” Thank you, Harriet Glickman, also, for making a difference and making the world a better place. [Photo courtesy of CBR]

The Jon S. Randal Peace Page

[paper-mirio]

let the world turn without you tonight

Kirishima Eijirou x Reader, Platonic!Class 1-A x Reader

College AU

Words: 4,966

Summary: You’re the resident assistant for floor 1-A in a dorm building at U.A. University. You have many responsibilities that come with this position, yet you still have to maintain your grades on top of this. You’ve been able to handle things so far, but the stress of university life creeps up slowly on you. How long will you be able to keep saying that everything’s fine?

Warnings: light angst, negative thoughts, anxiety, imposter syndrome, mentions of fire

  The clock read 11:43 pm. It was a Saturday night, and it had been three hours since the last time Bakugou was heard yelling at someone in the halls. Kaminari had apparently brought snacks to the floor’s lounge to share with everyone, including peanut butter cookies. Peanuts, of course, were banned from the lounge due to Yaoyorozu’s severe allergies, and this was the fourth time this semester Kaminari forgot that particular rule. You supposed you should thank Bakugou for resolving the situation quickly. The last thing you needed was to write up a report on why a student had to be sent to the emergency room while you were on duty. Still, it would've been nice for him to be a bit quieter during midterm season.

Your eyes tore away from the clock, looking back down to the textbook in front of you. You took a few moments to try and blink the sleep out of your eyes, yawning as you did so. Your midterm wasn't for another week, but you knew there wouldn't be enough time for you to cram in the days before. With planning for the floor’s retreat, writing up funding proposals, and making sure nobody started a third fire this month, you knew you would have been far too busy in the days before the exam. Besides, wasn't this a more effective way of studying?

As you moved your hand to write down the answer to a problem you were working on, you stopped, noticing the pencil had gone missing from your hand. And the paper had gone missing from your desk. And the clock now read 12:25 am.

Oh, right, you thought. I was packing up for the night.

You closed your textbook and set it aside, avoiding the pile of notebooks that was dangerously close to toppling over. You stood and stretched, letting out a squeak upon hearing a multitude of cracks and snaps in your spine. I really need to work on my posture, you thought as you reached up to turn off your desk lamp.

You made a brief glance at your phone to check the notifications. Other than a few reminders you'd set and some memes in the group chat from Ashido, there was no new activity. You plugged your phone in and set it down, feeling a bit relieved. It was earlier than you'd normally go to bed, but nobody on the floor seemed to need anything tonight, and you were especially exhausted. You shuffled across the room to your bed and threw yourself across it. As the soft mattress hit your back, you let out a soft moan at the comfort. After sitting hunched at your desk for hours, either studying or doing work, it was a relief to lie back and let yourself rest. You sank into the mattress, leaned back against your pillow, and closed your eyes, letting yourself drift off into sleep.

---

It's 2:15 am, not even two hours later, when you're woken up by a loud screech and white flashing lights. A crackling sound came from your intercom, and you heard the prerecorded voice begin to give instructions. Standard procedure for a fire alarm being set off. You turned over in bed, burying your face into your pillow, and let out a strangled sob.

It’s fine, you thought, stumbling out of bed to slip on your shoes. I’m fine, as you shrugged on your uniform jacket. Everything’s fine, as you stepped out of your room and into the hallway, finding a few of the residents standing in the doorways to their rooms. You closed your eyes, inhale slow and deep, and let out a sigh. Fine.

You walked over to Uraraka, Hagakure, Sero, and Kirishima, whose rooms were closest to yours and were already standing outside. Uraraka rubbed her eyes, a pout on her face. “Ugh, another one already?” she whined. “(Y/N), I thought you said we were only gonna have one drill this semester. This is, like, the fourth one!”

“I know, I know, but you know the drill by now,” you started. “Get to the stairs, head down and out. Get away from the building. I'll meet you all there.”

Sero and Uraraka nodded, moving to leave. Hagakure stayed put and appeared to gesture to the rest of the hall. “I can wake everyone else up!” she offered. You smiled, noting that she was oddly cheery and energetic for someone woken up so early in the morning, before shaking your head.

“As much as I’d appreciate the help, I need you to evacuate with everyone else. Get to safety. Let me handle this.” When you finished telling her this, she made a movement you could only assume was a nod before heading toward the staircase, a spring in her step. You watched her leave with a smile on your face. At least she seems unbothered by this.

You turned back around to wake up the rest of the hall, only to be faced with Kirishima. He was still standing outside his door and didn't seem to have moved at all. You let out a sigh—you were already going to have to deal with a bunch of other 19 year-olds waking up, and you did not want to have to repeat the same directions to your boyfriend of all people.

“Listen, Eijirou, that applies to you too. I need you to leave with everyone else,” you stated, moving to walk around him only to stop as he grabbed your shoulder. You looked back at him to see his eyebrows furrowed and a frown on his face. He seemed cautious, as his grip on you was light. He opened his mouth a few times to say something, only to shut it, changing his mind. Finally, he seemed to gather himself as he looked you in the eyes.

“(Y/N),” he began, “are you sure you're alright?”

I’m fine. Everything's fine. You gave him a strained smile, placing your hand over his. “I will be once you're out of the building safely. We can talk later, okay?”

His frown deepened, and you felt his grip on your arm tighten briefly before letting go. His arm dropped to his side, and he turned to walk toward the staircase without another word.

As you watched him leave, you felt an uneasy feeling set in your chest. The way he'd frowned at you, how he didn't respond to you, his posture—all of it told you something was wrong. You replayed the interaction in your head, trying to think of something you'd said to upset him, only to come up with nothing. You were fine, and you wanted him to be safe, so everything should be fine, right?

A harsh shove met your side, knocking you out of your thoughts and into the wall next to you. Your head and shoulder took the brunt of the impact, and your hands caught the wall to prevent yourself from toppling onto the ground.

After getting yourself back upright, you looked ahead, slightly dazed, to see two hooded figures running towards the staircase. You squinted at them in annoyance. Nobody ever pays attention to the instructions...

“Hey!” you shouted at them, before wincing at how loud your voice sounded. “No running! Walk out of the building in an orderly fashion!” Your head throbbed from hitting the wall, the blaring alarm and the volume you had to use to be heard only worsening the pain. You decided you'd need to send out a message to everyone later letting them know what “orderly” meant.

At your instruction, the two slowed their pace, but not by much. As the two speed-walked towards the exit, one of them turned their head around to glance back at you. Midoriya, as you could now tell, smiled sheepishly. “Sorry, (Y/N)!” he laughed, before turning back and continuing to walk.

The second person ducked their head and pulled their hood further down, as if they didn't want to be seen. Despite this, you caught a glimpse of red and white hair peeking out from underneath. You let out an annoyed sigh.

“Just get to the evacuation zone safely. And Todoroki, please watch where you're going,” you called after them, watching them exit through the door to the staircase.

You marked the two of them off on a mental checklist, noting that they'd left the building. That made six who'd left already, three who were off-campus or in other buildings, and six who were visiting their families for the weekend. As you counted off in your head, you saw the last few unaccounted for students make their ways to the exit, stumbling in a sleepy haze. You smiled to yourself, glad that everyone would be safe and accounted for.

You walked behind them toward the staircase, ready to exit. As you walked, however, a faint smell reached you, causing you to falter in your steps. You inhaled sharply in surprise, and the smell became stronger, causing you to cover your nose with your sleeve.

Shit, you thought. Something’s actually burning...

---

It was dark out, save for the flashing lights of the fire alarm in the building behind you and a few street lamps. You stood at the entrance of the building, having just turned away a seventh student who tried to enter despite it clearly being evacuated. A harsh breeze hit your face and you flinched, shrinking in on yourself to try and hide your face in the thin jacket you wore. Your hands trembled, and you cursed under your breath. The firefighters normally didn't take this long to resolve the issue.

You looked over to the parking lot across the street, where the residents of your floor had gathered. They were scattered across the lot, some on their phones, and some others talking with students living in building B, who had come out to see what the commotion was about. Some, like Koda and his emotional support rabbit, tried to escape the cold by entering the B building, with the residents being kind enough to allow entry. Ojiro and Tsuyu were both leaned against a wall, asleep already, while Tokoyami seemed more awake and alert than normal.

As you looked across the lot, verifying that everyone had evacuated for the tenth time since you left the building, you couldn't help the dread building in you. The firefighters still hadn't left the building yet, and you'd started to worry that this may be something serious. Had this been a larger fire? Was this something more dangerous? Different possibilities occurred to you suddenly, and each one made your stomach flip and your heart drop. Shaky breaths came out your mouth, forming visible clouds in the cold air. Maybe I should check on everyone one last time, just to be sure, you thought. So you looked across the lot for the eleventh time.

“Excuse me?” called out a voice behind you. “You're (Y/N), right? The resident assistant on floor 1-A?”

You turned to see a fireman standing in the doorway to the building. He had a grimace on his face and was holding something charred, black, and annoyingly familiar in his hands.

“Yeah, that’s me,” you started, the worry starting the fade and irritation quickly taking its place. “Is everything alright? Is the fire taken care of?”

“It's all fine now. Just try to make sure this doesn't happen again,” he scolded, before turning and walking away, muttering something about a damn smell and annoying kids.

You closed your eyes and inhaled deeply, counting to five before letting out the breath. It’s fine.

After heading to the parking lot and informing everyone that they could return to their rooms, you did a quick headcount to yourself to make sure nobody who had fallen asleep was left behind in the parking lot. Once you verified that everyone was making their way inside, you searched the crowd for your two targets. Spotting the two blondes about to enter an elevator, you glared and rushed forward, sticking your arm in before the elevator could close completely. “Fuck,” you muttered as the elevator doors opened, rubbing your arm.

“Oh, hey (Y/N)!” Kaminari laughed. “Sorry, didn't see you there. Would've held the door open if I did. Guess I'm still kinda tired, heh.” You rolled your eyes, teeth gritting at his nonchalance, and stepped into the elevator, letting the doors shut behind you.

Bakugou remained silent and rubbed his eyes, clearly exhausted. When he saw you glaring at him, however, he frowned. “The fuck is your problem?”

You crossed your arms, not looking away. “My problem,” you hissed, “is that I have told both of you on multiple occasions that using your quirks to make popcorn is not only stupid, but incredibly dangerous. This is the third time we’ve had to evacuate because of this.”

Both blondes blinked in confusion, taking in your accusation.

“Wait, you think we did this?” Kaminari asked. “Why?”

You stared at him, raising an eyebrow. “History. You've done it before. I don't doubt you did it again.” You let out a deep sigh, shaking your head. “I don't have proof it was you two, so nothing’s gonna happen. Just, please, don't do this again. Especially this late.”

The elevator jolted to a stop as you reached your floor. The doors slid open, and the three of you exited together.

Bakugou growled, turning and stomping in the direction of his room. “Whatever,” he grumbled. “Too fucking late to be blamed for this shit...” Kaminari followed him with a shrug.

You rolled your eyes at the two, before turning and heading in the direction of your room. You looked down at your watch. 3:20 am. That gives me...three more hours of sleep? Maybe I can fit in 20 extra minutes if I run to class.

Once in your room, you pondered over how much sleep you could get while still having time for breakfast and coffee. Slipping back into bed, you attempted to make the calculations in your head. Hindered by your sleep deprivation, you had lost 20 minutes of potential sleep time by the time you gave up on trying to figure it out. You turned off your light, collapsed on your bed, and finally returned to sleep. Tomorrow’s gonna be fine. Better than today.

---

It took all your willpower to resist slamming your laptop shut and hurling it out the window, though you doubt you would've had the strength to even lift it at this point. Your eyes burned as you continued to stare at the bright screen, hoping to somehow change what you’ve read. Your vision blurred, making the results illegible to you as tears ran down your face. The numbers were etched firmly into your mind, however, impossible to ignore.

All of that time spent studying, stressing, just to receive a 53% on the midterm. It was pathetic. You choked down a sob and frantically tried to scrub the tears from your eyes. Pathetic. You were an adult, sitting in your room and crying like a child over a bad grade. It happens to everyone. Everyone, that is, except the students at U.A., known for its prestige and academic excellence.

Yet here you were, failing. You should've known this would happen. You felt lucky enough to be accepted that you tricked yourself into getting comfortable, believing that luck would carry over the entire time you spent here. But no, it was just luck. That's all it had to be, if all of your efforts resulted in failure anyway.

You let these thoughts fill your head as your face was buried into your hands. You attempted to steady your breathing, but hearing how shaky your voice sounded only distressed you further.

I’m fine, you tried. I’m okay.

Because failing was fine, right? You only wasted money and time on this school when somebody else more deserving could easily have taken your place. Fine. Pathetic.

You were pulled out of your thoughts by the sound of your door opening. You cursed under your breath, suddenly regretting the open door policy you had with your residents.

“Woah, it's so dark in here,” Kirishima muttered, causing you to flinch. Of all people to walk in right now, why did it have to be him? “Hey, (Y/N), are you busy right now? Because there's something going on in the lounge and I think—“ he cut himself off, suddenly taking in the sight of you curled up in front of your laptop, face buried into your arms.

Great, now he’s worried about me. You took in a deep breath before removing your hands from your face, wiping your eyes as you do so. You turned to smile at him, trying to convince him nothing is wrong. Because you were fine.

Judging by the frown on his face, he wasn't convinced. He shut the door behind him and locked it before making his way over to stand behind the chair you were curled up in. He leaned over, wrapping his arms around you and pressing a kiss to your cheek.

“(Y/N), honey, what's wrong?”

You sat in silence, wondering if you should tell him. You didn't want to bother him with your own failures. But, you thought, he cares. He wouldn't want me to keep this to myself. You open your mouth to speak, then shut it, remembering how your voice sounded earlier. You didn't want it to be any more obvious that you were crying, if he couldn't already tell. Instead, you gestured wordlessly to the screen in front of you, still displaying your grades.

Kirishima looked to the screen at your direction, only to inhale sharply through his teeth upon reading the score. You deflated hearing that, shame pooling in your stomach. See? It's bad, and he knows it.

“Yikes,” he muttered. “I see the problem, now...” You frown, nodding silently. The problem, of course, being the solid dent in your GPA.

You sniffed, reaching up to rub at your eyes. “It’s just, I studied so hard for this,” you whispered, still not quite trusting your voice. “It feels like it was all for nothing, now.”

“You’ve got Aizawa-sensei for this course, right? Yeah, his exams are always like that.”

Wait, what?

“Like...that?” you muttered. You turned your head away from the screen to look at him, eyebrows furrowed.

“Yeah, I had him last semester. His exams are always this difficult, full of trick questions and so long hardly anyone can complete them in time.” Kirishima chuckled, leaning to rest his chin on your shoulder as he stared at the screen. “The highest I've ever heard anyone getting on his exams was 65%, and I'm pretty sure that person cheated.”

You blinked, trying to process this information. “But, if everyone scores low, how do they pass?” you questioned, trying to make sense of it.

Kirishima looked at you and gave a toothy grin. “His exams are tough as hell, but Aizawa-sensei’s a fair teacher. Those scores are just for us to use as a reference point for what we need to focus on moving forward, but he doesn't actually grade by percentage. If he thinks you know the material well enough, you pass the course.” He lifted a hand to point at your screen. “And 53%? Is pretty damn great, all things considered. I never got anything higher than 40% in his class and I still made it out with a B.”

His grin turned to a soft smile as he watched you try to process this. While you sat in shock, he reached over to shut your laptop closed. “Let’s not worry about that anymore,” he muttered, before reaching down to scoop you into his arms. “C’mere, let's lay down a minute.”

He carried you over to your bed before gently laying you down on your back. He slid in next to you, lazily wrapping an arm around your middle and resting his head on top of yours. You leaned into his embrace, face still scrunched up in confusion.

“So...I didn't fail?” you asked.

He laughed and gently pressed a kiss to the top of your head. “I thought I said let's not worry about that, hm? But no, (Y/N), you didn't fail.” He hummed softly, using his arm to pull you closer. “You're actually doing great. Not that I'm surprised, of course. I've got the smartest partner in the whole world.” He laughed again before leaning down to pepper soft kisses on your neck. “I'm so lucky...”

Your face heated up, and you laughed nervously. “Eiji, stop...” You gasped, feeling his hand begin to slide up under your shirt, but made no move to stop him. “Somebody could walk in!”

Kirishima shook his head. “Nah, I made sure I locked it this time.” He shifted himself until he was on top of you, legs straddling your waist. He gave you a goofy grin that caused you to laugh.

“That's what you said last time,” you giggled. “Then Mina walked in. I mean, it's probably the most embarrassing thing that's happened to me, but the look on her face!” You burst into laughter, clutching your sides.

Kirishima laughed above you. “True, but seriously! I did lock it this time!” His laughter died down while you continued to giggle. He smiled warmly before leaning down to peck at your lips, effectively cutting off your laughter. “There's that smile,” he murmured. “You've been so stressed lately, I missed seeing it on you.”

You blushed, smiling up at him. “Well, I can't help but laugh when my boyfriend’s this much of a dork.” He let out a snort at that. “But still, I guess it does help that I love you.”

He leaned his forehead against yours, moving a hand to your cheek to gently caress it. “I love you too, (Y/N).” He then pressed his lips to yours.

As you get lost in the sensation of kissing your boyfriend, you feel yourself relax under him. The feeling was strange, unfamiliar, like a weight had been lifted off your shoulders and you couldn't remember a time without it. You lifted a hand to run through Kirishima’s hair, trying to bring him closer somehow. He hummed, pressing his body into yours.

His phone buzzed in his pocket. You tried not to let it distract you.

You thought about how long it had been since the two of you really kissed like this, or even just had a moment to yourselves. You had been far too busy lately with work and classes, and you'd spent so long stressing over both that you hadn't had much time to just relax with your boyfriend. You thought about all the times he'd asked if you were okay or looked at you with worry, and you'd just brushed it off, saying you'd talk later. Did you ever talk with him? You couldn't remember.

Kirishima broke the kiss, pulling you out of your thoughts. “You're overthinking again,” he stated.

You sighed, leaning your head back against the mattress. “Sorry,” you muttered. “I was just thinking how long it's been since we were able to just...do this. Be alone. Kiss. Hell, even just talk to each other.” You frowned, turning your head to the side. “I've been busy lately, but I still could've made time for this. For us. I'm sorry.”

Kirishima shook his head, using his hand on your cheek to turn you to look at him. “(Y/N), all of that was out of your control. You had all of these responsibilities before we got together, so I knew what I was getting into.” His phone buzzes again, making him pause and roll his eyes. He continued, ignoring it. “I'm just worried about you. You push yourself too hard sometimes, and I know it gets overwhelming. I don't want to see you cry the way you were when I first walked in.”

He pecked your cheek. “Let's enjoy this time we have now, alright? No more worrying about anything else.” He gave you a gentle smile, and you couldn't help but return it. He always seemed to know just what to say. He leaned back in to kiss you again.

Kirishima’s phone buzzed repeatedly in his pocket, causing both of you to let out load groans.

“Who the hell is texting me this late?” he questioned, exasperated. His phone buzzed again, making Kirishima sigh and roll off of you.

“It might be important,” you said, giving an awkward smile. You rolled onto your side to face him. “You should probably check it, just to be sure.”

He hummed in acknowledgment. He pulled his phone out of his pocket and read the notifications. His eyes widened, and he jolted upright in the bed. You startled, slowly sitting up next to him.

“Shit!”

“What?” you asked. “Is something wrong?”

“Completely forgot the reason I came in here in the first place!” he exclaimed, smacking his forehead with his palm.

“The reason you came in here?” You thought about what that could mean, then suddenly you remembered his words upon entering. You sucked in a gasp. “Wait, you said something was going on in the lounge? Is it bad?” Without waiting for an answer, you bolted out of bed. You hurriedly put on your shoes and scrambled to get your jacket.

“Wait, (Y/N), calm down for a moment, it's nothing that serious!” Kirishima got up after you, alarmed by your sudden panic.

“But you said something was happening and wanted me to come check it out. What if it is serious by now?” You shook your head, heading towards the door. “I'm heading over just to be sure.” You opened the door and walked out into the hall, walking swiftly towards the lounge.

Kirishima let out a deep sigh, burying his face into his hands. “Nice going, dumbass. Couldn't find an excuse that wouldn't make them panic...” He shook his head before following after you, doing his best to keep up with your pace.

You reached the door to the lounge. You braced yourself for what chaos you might find inside. I just hope nobody started another fight over the TV. That's the last thing we need right now, you thought, before turning the knob and opening the door.

“Finally! Took you long enough to get them, Kirishima,” Ashido exclaimed. The occupants startled, turning towards the door. It seemed everyone on the floor was inside. They all beamed upon seeing you, before simultaneously shouting, “Surprise!”

You stood in the doorway in shock. Rather than chaos and potential damage reports you'd need to write, the room was decorated and relatively clean. There was a table full of food and snacks, many of which were your favorites. The TV was hooked up to a console, one you assumed belonged to Kaminari, and it seemed they were in the middle of a Mario Kart match before pausing it when you walked in.

“What's all of this?” you asked, not quite understanding what was happening. Your birthday wasn't for a few more months, and Kirishima’s had been last semester. You couldn't recall anything happening recently worth celebrating, but the surprise seemed to be meant for you.

“Well, we had this party set up for you, and it would've started half an hour ago, but someone got distracted when sent to retrieve the guest of honor,” Hagakure explained. Ashido looked to Kirishima with a raised eyebrow and a smirk, to which Kirishima blushed and rubbed the back of his neck.

“Ok,” you replied. “Why, though?”

“To thank you, of course!” Midoriya smiled. “For being the best resident assistant we could've asked for!”

“Yes! You've been fair at enforcing the rules while also going above and beyond to ensure our safety!” Iida exclaimed, gesturing from you to everyone else.

“Not to mention the fact that you were able to get Mineta kicked out after the school wouldn't listen to our complaints,” Jirou smirked, giving a thumbs up. “We still owe you for that one.”

As the others began to speak up with more praise and thanks, you felt your face heating up from having this much attention on you. You'd never really thought about how they'd feel about the work you did. They really did all of this for me?

“So, to show our appreciation, we set up this party! Because even though you're technically the boss of us now, we’re still all your friends!” Uraraka said. “We got Satou to make these sweets, and Aoyama and Yaoyorozu helped us with the decorations, and Shoji helped us hang them up, and Kaminari and Sero told us what your favorite games were, and—“ she rambled on, listing every detail of the party and exactly how every person on the floor was able to contribute. “Even Bakugou pitched in and was able to tell us what times you were busy, based on when you tell him to stop yelling!”

Kirishima wrapped his arms around you from behind. “You’ve done a lot for us this past year. Let us take care of you tonight, okay?” He pressed a kiss to your cheek. “All of this is for you.”

You looked to Kirishima, who had a large grin on his face. You glanced around the room at everyone, noticing how happy they all looked. A warm feeling blossomed in your chest, and you felt tears well up in your eyes. A few managed to escape and fall down your cheek.

Hagakure jumped, panicking. “Oh no, we made them cry!”

“Everything alright, (Y/N)?” Kirishima asked softly.

You laughed, reaching up to wipe away your tears. Everything was fine, right? No, you thought, not fine. You gave everyone a large grin.

“Yeah, everything’s great!”

[queenmylovely]

The Fourth Stage

Summary: Gardner langway x fem!reader. Gardner meets someone new along his route. 

Word Count: 7.3k

Warnings: mentions of death, grief, depression, angst, cussing 

A/N: This is what I wrote for my first request. It’s much darker than anything I’ve ever wrote but I tried to be as true to the request and grief as I could. Also it’s in kind of a headcanon format but it’s over 7k words so idk. I hope you like what I wrote, and any feedback including likes, replies, and reblog are greatly appreciated!

Request: Something where Gardner falls for a PoC woman who’s emotionally broken

Disclaimer: I am not Black nor do I claim to know or understand the experience of Black people or Black women specifically. I was requested to write this by an anon that requested something with a PoC woman. I welcome constructive criticism for any part of my characterization of Reader. (I will not be accepting and will delete and block any racist hate.)

Masterlist 

☆☆☆

You moved into your dad’s house in May, a month after he died.

It was a sudden heart attack at work, but apparently your dad had a will, so you inherited his house. Because you wanted to keep it in good condition and didn’t have anything tying you to your current place, you moved.

You hadn’t done anything with his things so all of your boxes were piled into the garage and you lived with his stuff instead.

His death had wrecked you, and you had quit your stupid summer job because doing anything but laying down seemed impossible.

While he hadn’t been a rich man, he had left enough money that this was possible for summer; something that you would have thought was lucky if the thought of anything related to his death being lucky didn’t make you sick.

You spent all day everyday in your bed, maybe making it to the kitchen once or twice but only for saltines and peanut butter out of the jar or a can of cold chili.

The highlight of your day, if you could call it that, was taking the hottest shower you could, in an effort to feel something other than the dull ache that was knowing your dad was dead.

But all it did was leave your skin dry and stinging, the slight pain only making you feel worse because you knew it was nothing compared to what your dad had felt.

Your mom called once a week, but since you had been raised by your dad after their divorce, she had little to say and you sat silent while she tried to think of things that would cause any reaction in you other than a grunt or sigh.

About a week after you moved in, as you’re laying in bed, eyes closed but sleep never reaching you, you hear something that you had noticed the day before.

It was the sound of footsteps approaching your door followed by a metal creak and then footsteps retreating again.

Most of the time, you were too lost in your head to notice the outside world, but it just so happened that yesterday you were walking to your kitchen when it had happened and when the sound repeated itself today, you took notice.

The next day, without realizing you had been waiting for it, you heard the sound again.

After it repeated the following day, you looked at the clock, reading 3:25pm.

On the fifth day you realized it must be the sound of the mail deliverer because when you collected the mail that night at 2:00am, the mailbox made the same creaking sound.

Soon, it became a comfort to hear that sound because of how consistent it was. Part of you wondered how the mail carrier was so exact with their timing, but for the most part you didn’t really care.

Three weeks later you found yourself moving from your bed to the couch around 3:00pm and you didn’t really know why until you heard the sound. It was louder since the door wasn’t separated by any walls.

When 3:24pm rolled around everyday, you held your breath in anticipation, letting it out as soon as you heard the steps coming up the walk.

Another week later, you moved from the couch at 3:15pm, sitting against the door with a blanket until you heard the sound.

From this position, you could hear the person’s fingers against the paper of the envelopes as they grabbed them from the bag.

The next day you jump when the person coughed as they walked away; it was the first sound that really affirmed to you that it was another person outside the door.

Three days later the person sneezed just after the metal creak and you realized it was a guy.

You whispered, “Bless you” out of habit, though you knew that he would never know you said it.

Three days later, it wasn’t enough. Hearing his breathing and coughing and sneezing everyday was both too much and not enough to hear from this person you had never seen before.

You needed to make sure this person was real. Needed to know it wasn’t just the ghost of your own mind or a side effect of only sleeping in hour intervals and eating just twice a day on good days.

So, on a random Tuesday, you stood up at 3:23pm, swaying a bit from the head-rush that you got and tried to keep yourself from hyperventilating as you waited for two excruciating minutes.

When you heard the footsteps, but before the metal creak, you opened the door quickly, startling the person on your front step. He’s holding your mail in one hand and your eyes zeroed in on that and you reached out, grabbing the letters from him.

You closed the door just as fast but made sure it closed softly before dropping the mail on the floor and running back to your room.

Gardner stood on your front step, a little dumbfounded by what had just happened.

A couple of customers on his route knew when he delivered their mail, but usually they talked to him if they did.

He figured you weren’t trying to be rude though, with the gentle way you had taken the mail and closed the door. Plus, the look on your face had been more apprehensive than angry.

The next day, you stand and wait again. This time, you opened the door a little more calmly and actually looked at the guy.

He was an average looking white guy in a post office uniform. Your eyebrow raised imperceptibly at the hat he’s wearing but you just grabbed the mail again and closed the door.

Gardner looked down at himself as the door closed. He hadn’t missed the way your eyes had moved over his form. He also hadn’t missed the fact that you were wearing the same clothes as the day before.

Changing your clothes was a weekly occurrence. Somehow, your mom seemed to know that you needed to be told to, so you would after she called.

This week, you’re wearing grey sweats and one of your dad’s college sweatshirts from Howard.

Your hair was as dry as your skin from your too-hot showers. Naturally a 4a texture that you used to keep well defined was now frizzy and tangled. You didn’t have the energy to do your hair care routine anymore, only washing it and maybe pulling it into a low ponytail.

The third day he realized you’re still wearing the same thing and introduced himself before you could close the door.

“I’m Gardner.” You almost jumped when he talked, but the kind voice and harmless words reassured you.

“Y/N,” you replied, voice croaking from lack of use.

On the fourth day he said hi.

“Hi, Y/N,” he said with a closed lip smile.

“Hi Gardner,” you replied, and though the look of apprehension was gone, the smile was not returned.

Fifth day he made a comment about the weather.

“Nice weather today, nicer than yesterday.” he told you. You looked up at the sky for the first time in a while and nodded.

Sixth day he asked for the time.

“Do you have the time?” he asked as you opened the door.

“You’re wearing a watch,” you pointed out.

“It doesn’t work anymore,” he explained.

“It’s 3:25. You always come at 3:25,” you said matter-of-factly.

“Thank you,” he said with what almost looked like a little smirk but he’s turning away before you could be sure.

On the seventh day, you’re wearing different clothes. They’re still not necessarily real clothes; leggings that are pilled up and a Howard shirt, but Gardner still noticed.

“I like your shirt.”

“Thank you, it was my Dad’s,” you said, looking him in the eye. You didn’t smile, but there’s more expression in your face than before.

He nodded, knowing that if you wanted to say more you would.

Eighth day you’re wearing the same shirt but different leggings. Gardner made a comment about how it looks like it might rain.

This continued for another 10 days. Gardner always talked first, and you offered varying replies. Sometimes it’s just a nod, others it’s a sentence. You changed your clothes more often, and Gardner complimented you every time he noticed.

It’s a small thing, and the compliments were simple. “I like that shirt,” “Those pants look comfy,” or “I’m a fan of Jurassic Park too,” but whenever he said them, you got a small rush of dopamine that you’d gotten used to living without.

One day, you’re not at the door. Unbeknownst to Gardner, it’s the three month anniversary of your father’s death and nothing was enough to move you from your place on your bed. The dull pain was amplified in waves over the course of the day. Staring at the wall turned into uncontrollable sobbing in a matter of seconds and back again within minutes.

The next day, when you’re back at the door with red-rimmed eyes and puffy cheeks, Gardner didn’t mention your absence. Instead, he commented on the number of ads in today’s mail.

“That’s how you really know that the 4th of July is approaching, the mattress sales,” he joked and the corners of your mouth pulled slightly up as you grabbed the aforementioned ads and shut the door.

Another week later, Gardner walked up and when you opened the door, there’s nothing in his hands. You raised your eyebrows in a silent question.

“You don’t have any mail today,” he told you.

“Then why did you come to my door?” you asked in confusion.

“I like seeing you everyday. Part of my routine,” he said plainly.

You made a face he couldn’t quite decipher and replied, “Okay.”

“That’s a good color on you,” he gestured to your shirt which was a dark green.

“Thank you,” you said, supposing that the pine colored shirt did compliment your dark brown skin well.

“You’re welcome,” he replied, turning around and walking away. You watched him until he got to the edge of your yard, noticing the way he trudged as he walked and how he looked down at his feet. Shrugging to yourself, you closed the door.

Three days later you opened the door and before he could say anything you talked, “Gardener’s your first name?”

“Yeah, but without the ‘e.’”

“Okay,” you replied and he handed you the mail.

Three days later, it hit 100 degrees and you felt it even in the air conditioned house.

You opened the door as Gardner was at the edge of your yard and watched him approach. It’s not until he’s just five feet away that he noticed the door’s open, a side effect of watching the sidewalk.

It’s easy to see the sweat that’s sticking his shirt to his chest, dripping down his neck, and darkening the rim of his hat. Even after only being outside for under a minute, you could feel the beginnings of sweat on your body as well.

Gardner looked at you as you stood there before reaching into his bag for your mail. You looked as if you wanted to say something, so he didn’t interrupt you with talk of the weather as he had planned.

“It’s too hot out,” you stated.

“I agree,” he agreed.

“I mean, it’s too hot for you to be outside,” you clarified.

“Neither snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom of night stays these couriers from the swift completion of their appointed rounds,” he recited.

You shook your head in slight frustration and then rushed out, “Do you want to come inside for a minute to get out of the heat?”

“Oh, um, sure I can do that,” he replied. As you stepped away from the doorway, he walked in and you closed the door behind him.

You led him to the kitchen which was freshly cleaned. When you realized how hot it was this morning and decided to invite him in, you had cleaned the kitchen in a fury.

Growing up, your dad had always made sure to clean the house well before guests came over, and made sure you did the same. The thought of disappointing him in that small way gave you enough energy to do the work that you hadn’t done the whole time you lived there.

You pulled down two cups from the cupboard and filled them with cool water. You set them on the table, sitting down and gesturing for him to do the same.

“I didn’t put ice ‘cause you’re not supposed to shock your system with water that’s too cold, but this should still be refreshing,” you told him.

“That’s good to know, thank you,” Gardner replied before gulping down the whole glass. You quirked your lips at his actions. He was trying to act like he was okay, but obviously he was having trouble dealing with the heat.

As you stood to refill his water, he looked at you a little more carefully. You’re wearing black running shorts that he’s seen before, but instead of the sweatshirt that you had paired with them, you’re wearing that t-shirt you had been wearing the first day he complimented your appearance. This time, it was knotted in front and the sleeves were cuffed so less fabric was touching your skin.

Garner tried not to look too hard at the exposed skin of your arms and legs, forcing his eyes up to your hair. At first, he had thought it was in a low ponytail like it was sometimes, but as he really looked now, he could tell it’s in one braid that hits between your shoulder blades. He could see the curls even in the plait, and as you turned around, he noticed that a couple of curls had escaped and were framing your face.

“Your hair looks nice,” he said softly.

You reached up and felt the braid. “Oh, I was cleaning,” you said, almost more to yourself than him. To keep your hair out of your face while cleaning, you always used to pull it into a simple braid. You hadn’t even realized you had done so today.

The two of you sat in silence for a minute until Gardner spoke up, “This is a really nice house.”

You could tell by the way he said it that he’s kind of purposely not asking any questions, just complimenting, but you slightly answered anyway, “Yeah, it was my dad’s.”

“Like the shirt,” he said as he pointed to the shirt you’re wearing.

You looked down and laughed, a sound he hadn’t heard yet. It’s a sound that surprised you as well; you hadn’t heard it in months. All of a sudden, it’s all you could do as an almost hysterical laugh took over your body. You’re laughing, gasping for air, and wiping the beginnings of tears from your eyes for a full minute before you answered, “Yeah, like the shirt,” in between giggles.

Gardner, to his credit, didn’t look freaked out and instead was smiling at the sound of your laughter. He decided that he really liked the sound, and would love to hear it again.

The two of you were smiling at each other for the better part of a minute before you dropped your gaze and took a sip of your water. Gardner copied you, waiting for you to make the next move.

You’re tapping your fingernails against the glass and looking into the water as you said your next words, “He died in April.”

Gardner nodded, but you only saw it from the corner of your eye. He had suspected for a while that something had happened. Well, really since April. While he had never met your dad, he noticed the mail pile up and then the change in only the first name on all of the mail. “That sucks.”

“It does,” you replied and took another sip of your water. You appreciated that he didn’t say I’m sorry like most people do and wondered what’s happened to him that he knew that those words don’t really help.

There’s a comfortable silence for another few minutes before Gardner finished his second glass and cleared his throat, standing up.

“Thank you for the water and for letting me come in here and cool off. I’ve gotta finish my route, so I have to go,” he informed you and you nodded.

“You’re welcome, Gardner,” you said as you led him back to your front door. You waved as he went out onto the front step, “Bye.”

“Bye,” he said back and started down the walk. Just before he reached the edge of your yard, he turned and looked back at you, smiling when he saw you hadn’t closed the door yet. You smiled back before closing the door.

Two days later, on Friday, it’s hot again, but it didn’t reach 100. You decided to invite him in anyway.

When you opened the door and he handed you your mail, you asked him, “Do you want to come inside again?”

He made a face you couldn’t quite comprehend. His eyes were squinty and his mouth was pressed down in a firm line. After a second, he replied.

“I actually can’t today. I have more mail than usual and I can’t get off track.”

“Oh,” you said, casting your eyes downwards and you started to slowly close the door.

“But I can come back after my route…?” Gardner offered, wanting to see you again.

“Okay,” you answered, the slightest of smiles creeping its way onto your face.

Gardner nodded and told you he’d be back around 5:30 and just as he started to turn away, you told him to wait.

You ran to your kitchen, grabbing a water bottle and filling quickly with water and just a bit of ice. Rushing back to the front door, you held it out to him and said, “At least take the water so you can stay hydrated.”

“Thank you. I’ll bring it back when I come back,” he said before waving and walking away.

You closed the door behind him and sat down on your living room couch. You sat there for a while, feeling something that you couldn’t quite place.

The feeling kept building slowly, and when you felt a drop in your stomach, you realized what it was. You’re nervous. It’s something you hadn’t felt in a long time.

Since all you typically felt was the numbness, dull ache, or shooting pain, and now the calmness that came everyday at 3:25, you hadn’t recognized it at first.

Now, it was all you felt and you had to remind yourself to breathe in and out at a regular pace so you could remain at least a little calm.

Standing up, you walked to your bathroom and splashed some cold water on your face.

You looked in the mirror, taking in your appearance and seeing someone changed by grief.

Your hair was still in the braid from two days ago, and was very loose and frizzy. You took out the braid and shook it loose, watching it fall limply to the sides of your head, the natural volume and shape washed out by the harshness of the hot water. Knowing there wouldn’t be enough time for an entire routine, you pulled it into a much tighter french braid and called it good.

Next, you took in your face and how sunken your eyes were. Lack of sleep did wonders for the bags under your eyes.

Your skin looked dry and so did your lips. Trying to find some way to remedy this, you looked under the sink for lotion or something. Thankfully, your dad was very diligent about staying moisturized, and there’s shea and cocoa butter that you pull out.

Once you grabbed those, you could see what was behind them and smiled to yourself. It was a big jar of coconut oil, and you sent a little thank you to your dad. You used the butters to moisturize and the oil to help tame the baby hairs at the crown of your head before leaving for your bedroom.

There, you put on one of your less dingy pairs of black leggings, a black tank top, and one of your dad’s flannel shirts that you left unbuttoned.

You spent the next hour or so that you had to wait cleaning up the little mess that had accumulated since he last came inside.

At 5:31, you heard a knock at the door and opened it, as you had already been standing there.

“Hi, Y/N,” he said with a slight smile, even though he seemed to be a little out of breath.

“You’re late,” you said seriously.

“I’m sorry, my brother Calvin wouldn’t let me leave without telling me about his day, it took longer than I thought. I practically ran over here,” he said in a rush, with a worried look on his face.

“I’m joking,” you reassured him with a small smile and a little laugh. His face relaxed and he smiled back at you. “You’re only a minute late, so that doesn’t even count. Come in.”

“Thanks for understanding. I try to be very punctual,” he said as you led him into the living room and you both sat on the couch.

“I’ve noticed. I think that’s a good quality, but you shouldn’t stress yourself out about it.”

“I didn’t want you to think that I wasn’t going to come or anything,” he explained.

“Well, you could’ve texted me or something.”

“I- um, I don’t have your number,” he pointed out, cheeks getting a little red, and not from the running.

“Oh, that’s right. Here, where’s your phone?” you said, reaching your hand out towards him. He pulled it out of his pocket and handed it over. You quickly went into his contacts and added yourself. You handed back his phone and he looked at it, a fond little smile coming onto his face. “There. You know, I like the uniform, but it’s kinda nice to see you out of it.”

Gardner was wearing just an orange and white striped polo shirt and jeans. He flushed slightly at your words but smiled back and barely whispered, “thank you.”

A slight silence fell, but neither of you really seemed to mind. Gardner was taking in your living room and you’re taking in him.

He was really a very unassuming person but he was actually pretty cute and you always found yourself unusually calm in his presence. Even after the afternoon that was filled with nerves, as soon as you opened the door and laid eyes on him, everything had evened out.

“So you have a brother?” you asked, breaking the silence. His eyes flicked back over to you when you spoke and he nodded.

“Yeah, Calvin. We live together. Well, I live in front of the house. In a boat,” he told you.

“A boat?” you said, your eyebrows knitting together in confusion.

“A boat on stilts,” he explained.

“Do you ever take it out?” you asked, slowly understanding what he meant.

“Not really.”

“Mm. What does Calvin do?” you said to switch the subject since he didn’t really seem to want to talk about the boat.

“He works at a mechanic shop. It’s pretty good work, he likes it.”

“The one in town?”

“Yeah, I mean it’s the only one in town, so yeah,” he replied.

“Then I’ve been there. Maybe I saw him. It was a little while ago, though. Last year,” you continued.

“He’s shorter than me. Great hair though,” he said.

“Hmmm, I think I’d remember great hair,” you said with a chuckle and Gardner joined in.

“Do you wanna see the rest of the house? A tour?” you asked him after a second and he nodded happily.

You stood up with him and guided him towards the hallway. First, you pointed to the bathroom then walked down to the bedrooms.

Opening the door to your dad’s room, you felt a slight shiver run over you. It’s a mixture of how cold the room is since the door is always closed and the same pang you felt in your heart every time you looked in.

Usually, you looked around the room every couple of days, wanting to feel closer to your dad, and sometimes you got the best sleep on his bed, lying on top of the comforter. Still, every look reminded you that he’s gone.

You looked around the room as Gardner stood next to you. Unknowingly, you brought a hand to your chest as if you were trying to ease the pain that was there.

Seeing the physiological manifestation of your grief, Gardner felt his own heart hurting for you. He could relate to how horrible the first months were without a parent.

Carefully and slowly, he reached out and placed his hand on your shoulder, squeezing it and then leaving it there. It comforted you, and when you finally swallowed the lump in your throat, you moved your hand from your chest to his hand and held it there for a moment before turning around and showing him your room across the hall.

It was still a bit of a mess, but all of the trash had been removed and your dirty clothes were piled into the overflowing hamper. Gardner didn’t seem put off by that fact and looked around your room.

It was technically the spare room, but when you stayed there with your dad, it had practically been your room and was partially filled with little things your dad knew you liked.

On the windowsill were a couple beeswax candles. The top of the dresser had an interesting mix of children’s books and classics with a boxset of The Lord of the Rings on one side and of Star Trek: The Next Generation on the other as bookends.

“The Next Generation?” he asked in amusement.

“Definitely, it’s a classic,” you returned.

“Hmmm, I was always more fond of the Original Series,” he stated with a smirk.

“Well, I hate to inform you, but you’ve been missing out on the best Star Trek has to offer,” you said, only slightly teasing.

“I’m not sure about that…” he said, definitely teasing.

“Why don’t we watch it and see?” you countered with a smile that he quickly returned.

“Deal.”

You grabbed the box set and the two of you headed back to the living room. You popped the disc into the player and turned on the TV. As it started up, you realized this is the first time you’d be watching anything you used to watch with your dad without him.

Your breath hitched for a second, and Gardner noticed, turning his head to look at you. He saw how the look on your face had changed.

“Are you okay?” he asked, concerned.

You took a second to breathe again and then nodded slowly, “...yeah, I just used to watch this with my dad and haven’t since he died.”

“We don’t have to watch it if you don’t want,” he offered.

“No, I do want to,” you told him, making sure to look at him so he could see the clarity in your eyes. He nodded and the two of you turned your attention back to the screen.

The two of you watched the episode, laughing at the funny parts and gasping at the surprises. By the end of it, you felt content, except for one thing.

“Gosh, are you starving? I swear my stomach was rumbling through the last 20 minutes,” you said with an easy laugh.

“That was you? I thought it was the show,” Gardner said with a twinkle in his eye.

“Shut up,” you said, giggling and Gardner joined in. “How do you feel about a pizza?”

“That sounds great,” he said with a grin.

“Good, what kind do you like? I like pepperoni, so we can do half and half if you like something else.”

“I like plain cheese,” he confessed a little sheepishly.

“Sounds like a plan,” you said, picking up your phone and heading into the kitchen to find the pizza place’s number. You dug through a drawer your dad had with all that type of stuff and found it, placing an order for a delivery in half an hour.

You walked back in the living room and found Gardner sitting there with his hands in his lap, the TV paused.

“You didn’t have to pause the TV, I’ve seen all of these before,” you told him, sorry that he was probably bored.

“I wanted to watch with you,” he explained and you smiled, feeling your cheeks get a little warm.

You complied, sitting down on the couch and resuming the next episode. About ¾ of it passed before the pizza came, and you paused it again to get up and pay. Bringing the box into the kitchen, you beckoned Gardner to follow and he did willingly; his own stomach had started to rumble halfway into the second episode.

Pulling two plates down, you handed one to him and the two of you placed two slices each before grabbing a couple napkins.

“We can go back in the living room,” you informed him and he followed, you. Both of you dug in as soon as you pressed play.

Before long, the entire pizza was gone and the fourth episode was almost done. You noticed Gardner yawning into his hand and when it’s over, you offered to drive him home. He protested at first, but you insisted since it’s nearing 10:30pm and it’s already dark outside.

The drive was mainly quiet, the only words being said were Gardner’s directions. After about 10 minutes, you pulled up behind a boat on stilts. You laughed a little because part of you had doubted its existence, but there it was.

As Gardner started to reach for the door, you spoke up, “So what’s the verdict? Do you admit that TNG is better than TOS?”

He turned and looked at you with a slight smirk, “I don’t know. I’m still not sure that Picard can hold a candle to Kirk.”

“Okay, how dare you? Guess you’ll just have to watch more until you’re converted,” you told him, looking at him with a smile and a sure look in your eyes.

“Sounds like a plan. See you Monday,” he told you, opening the door and getting out. “Oh! I forgot your water bottle, it’s in the boat, I’ll go get it!”

He closed the door and started to jog away but you rolled down the window.

“Wait, Gardner!” you called out and he came back. “Don’t worry about it, you just keep it. You’ll get more use out of it than I would.”

“Okay,” he said, still a little unsure. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome. See you Monday,” you told him and then drove away as he waved.

The drive back felt different. You didn’t drive much these days, only when you were absolutely out of food and could no longer ignore the hunger pangs in your body.

But, it’s kind of nice to drive again, and you felt happy for a second thinking about how nice the night was with Gardner. You got excited as you turned off your car to go inside and tell your dad all about it; he had always been incredibly supportive and understanding with your dating.

You left your car and used your keys to open the front door. Just as you opened your mouth to call out to your dad, you realized your mistake and the shock ran through your entire body.

Falling to your knees right there in front of the door, sobs racked your body and you had no choice but to give yourself up to them. That night, you fell asleep on your dad’s bed, having crawled to his room to try and find some comforting feeling there.

The next two days you spent all of your time in his bedroom, trying your hardest to feel his presence.

Monday came around and so did Gardner. Whatever kind of normalcy you had returned and the week continued on. On Friday, you invited Gardner over again to keep watching Star Trek.

This time, you ordered Chinese food and Gardner made you laugh as he tried to teach you to use chopsticks.

The summer heat had finally broken, and nights were finally getting cooler. Earlier in the day, you had opened the windows, and now they were letting in a cool breeze that was actually making you chilly and you noticed that Gardner had goosebumps.

Getting up during the theme song, you went to the hallway closet and grabbed a fuzzy blanket. Sitting back down, you draped it over both you and Gardner, and you had to sit closer so it covered the both of you.

Gardner thanked you and his voice cracked a little because the warmth he could feel radiating from your thigh touching his.

The two of you went back to watching the show, but between the blanket and Gardner’s warmth, you felt extremely cozy and started getting sleepy. Blinking slowly and yawning every couple of minutes, you tried to fight off the tiredness, but within 10 minutes, you’re dozing off.

Gardner noticed your tiredness but didn’t think too much of it until your head slumped over onto his shoulder. He turned his head and could see the profile of your face. Your eyes were closed and your face relaxed, your mouth just barely open.

He stayed as still as he could for a few minutes until he’s sure you’re deep asleep. Then, ever so slowly, he moved his arm from underneath your head so it could rest just above your shoulders on the couch.

Even in your sleep, you moved instinctively further into him, angling your head to lay on his chest and your legs came up onto the seats of the couch, pushing you further onto him. Your motion caused his arm to fall onto your shoulders and he left it there as you hummed happily in your sleep.  

Eventually, your closeness and the soft sounds of the TV that he had turned down so as to not wake you up lulled Gardner to sleep as well.

The two of you remained sleeping until the morning. The sun shining brightly through an east-facing window was what woke you as it was directly on your face.

You kept your eyes closed so the sun didn’t blind you and immediately felt a pain in your neck. You thought to yourself that you must have slept wrong. That thought confused you, though, since normally you didn’t fall asleep long enough to cause any aches or pains.

The next thing that confused you was the movement you felt underneath your head. Bringing a hand up to shield your eyes from the sun, you opened your eyes and blinked rapidly, trying to get the sleep out of your eyes and take in your surroundings.

You gasped, moving your hand to cover your mouth as you realized that the thing moving underneath you was Gardner’s chest.

He’s still asleep. His head was leaning on the back of the couch, his mouth open, and you could hear his slow breathing. His right arm was resting on the arm of the couch and his left fell from your shoulders to your waist when you sat up to look at him. He had almost no blanket on him and you cringed at yourself for hogging the blanket.

You cringed again thinking how awkward it’s about to be when he woke up.

Pushing past your hesitation, you gently shook his shoulder, saying, “Gardner, wake up.”

Slowly, he started stirring and stretched inwardly, his arm tensing against your waist as he did. His eyes blinked open and he sleepily looked at you, confusion running onto his face as he saw how light it is.

“What time is it?” he asked worriedly.

“Ummm, 9:30am,” you informed him, looking at your phone.

“I’m so sorry, I fell asleep. I didn’t mean to impose. You just kind of fell asleep on me and I didn’t want to move until you woke up on your own but I guess I fell asleep too,” he rambled, looking around him. He saw his arm on your waist and quickly pulled it back to his side, blushing furiously.

“Gardner, it’s okay,” you told him, reaching for his hand at his side. “If anything it’s my fault because I fell asleep on you. Seriously, it’s all good.”

He looked at his hand in yours and nodded, looking up to you when you gave it a squeeze.

“Do you want some breakfast?” you asked. He nods again and you stood up to lead him to the kitchen.

This week, when you had gone grocery shopping, you had gotten more things than usual. That taste of pizza the previous Friday had reminded you how good cooked food was and you started actually cooking for yourself again.

You grabbed pancake mix and the griddle from the cupboard and got started.

Gardner chatted to you about how Calvin makes waffles but he likes pancakes too and about the events of the episodes the two of you watched last night.

He made you laugh with his theories about Riker and Deanna, and Picard and Dr. Crusher. The two of you shared little stories over pancakes; you told him a little about your dad and he told you about his friends at work and along the route.

After the two of you eat, he said that he should be on his way and that he could walk this time. You acquiesced, with the condition that he texted you when he got back so you would know he made it.

He opened your front door and stepped onto the front porch before turning back to say goodbye.

“Thanks for the food, it was good,” he said, a little awkward because he didn’t know where the two of you stood.

“You’re welcome,” you said, stepping out of the doorway and up to him. Placing a hand on his shoulder, you leaned up and pressed a kiss to his cheek and then told him softly, “I’ll see you soon, Gardner,” before going back inside and closing the door softly behind you.

Gardner stayed standing there for a moment, reaching a hand up to his cheek and repeating, “soon.”

He remembered to text you as soon as he got back, walking into the house instead of climbing into the boat. Calvin spotted him walking through the kitchen and called him into the backyard for a game of horseshoes.

“Hey, man. How’s it going?” he asked as he picked up his shoes.

“Pretty good,” Gardner replied, picking his own up.

“You look kinda tired… Aren’t those the clothes you were wearing yesterday? Holy shit, did you stay the night at that girl’s place?” he asked gleefully, putting the pieces together. He tossed his first shoe and missed by a foot.

“Y/N, and yes, and yes. But we just slept. Well, she fell asleep on me on her couch and then I fell asleep too. My neck kinda hurts,” Gardner explained, rubbing his neck then throwing his first shoe, ringing it.

“Shit. Does she like you?” Calvin asked before throwing his second one that landed so it’s touching then pumping his fist in celebration.

“I don’t know, Cal. Maybe? She’s going through a rough time, her dad died a couple months ago and I don’t think she’s totally herself yet. You remember what I was like when they left,” he reminded him, throwing another ringer.

Calvin nodded in agreement. Gardner had been changed forever when his parents abandoned him, but that first year was especially brutal. Tossing his shoe first, and getting a ringer, he asked, “You like her though?”

“Yeah, I really really do. I know I don’t actually know the real or normal her, but I swear sometimes I get these flashes of her and it’s like the sun coming out after a cloudy day,” he said, pausing to throw his last one; it spun around the peg before landing on top of the other two. “But she’s amazing all the time. She’s kind and trusting and giving and non judgmental.”

“Why do you always win?” Calvin muttered under his breath before responding. “Well, she sounds great. Good luck.”

The pattern continued with you and Gardner, although it ramped up in frequency. He started coming over almost every other day, and the next weekend, asked you to dinner at a restaurant in town. Although you’re a little apprehensive, since you know Gardner will be there for you, you agreed.

It’s a great night and the two of you ate and then walk around the river, talking for hours. That night, when you dropped him off at the boat, you asked to see it and he welcomed you gladly.

You shared your first kiss after he brought you inside. Gardner was unsure at first, but you just pulled him closer and he lost his nerves when you placed his hands on your waist and then ran your own through his hair.

After a little while of making out, you decided to leave, knowing you aren’t ready for anything else. Giving him a final peck on the lips, you climbed back out of the boat and drove home. That night, you slept in your own bed, making it all through the night and only waking up once.

From then on, the two of you split your time together at your house, his boat, and going places in town. About once a week, you joined him on his route for an hour or so.

Gardner made you laugh, but also knew when you’re especially missing your dad and talked to you about him so his memory could comfort you.

One night, after the fifth season finale of Star Trek, you and he were cuddling on the couch. You’re sitting upright and his head’s in your lap facing the ceiling. Your hand was moving in little circles on his upper arm and he’s watching your face as you watched the credits.

It was a scene that was not uncommon between the two of you, but Gardner can’t seem to be able to help himself as he breathed out, “I love you.”

Your eyes snapped to his, and though he might have wished you missed the words, you heard them loud and clear and were looking at him in a way he can’t decipher.

“You do?”

“Yeah, um, I do,” he said, averting his eyes from your gaze. He knew that it might be too soon, but once he had the thought, it left his brain through his mouth and there was nothing he could do about it.

Gardner’s cheeks and neck are blushing red as he looked away, but you moved your hand to their junction, and used his jaw to turn his face and eyes back to you.

“I love you too, Gardner,” you told him earnestly.

He sat up and turned to you, mouthing “really,” and you nodded. His hands moved to your face and you moved yours to the back of his neck. When he didn’t close the gap, you did, pulling him to you and kissing him softly to assure him of the meaning behind your words.

Life continued, and you relished the last two weeks of summer before you had to go back to school. Since it would only be a 30 minute commute, you decided to continue living at your dad’s house.

You started to move your things out of the garage and into the house, packing away things of your dad’s that hold less significance to make room.

There will still be bad days in the future, and you won’t know when they’re coming or how long they’ll be. But, you know you have Gardner to lean on, and while he can’t take away your pain, he can offer you some comfort as you deal with it.

★★★

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Reminder that my requests are open! If you would like something in a sort of one shot format/length or blurb, etc. send it in! I’ll write for any of the Borhap or Queen boys (Freddie only platonically), Lucy, Patrick Murray, Gardner Langway and adult!Tim Murphy or possibly any of the other characters these people have played if I know enough about them!

[purplesurveys]

502

Are you going to any concerts this summer? No. It’s been almost a year since my last concert, and of my favorite band to boot :( I can’t believe it’s been that long already; every detail is still ridiculously fresh in my mind. Have you ever been to a concert? I’ve been to several ones. I typically go for mainstream acts since it’s rare that they come over to the country, so I’ve seen Coldplay, One Direction, and Paramore, and a WWE show if that counts. Would you have gone to Woodstock? It would have been such a thrill to experience that; I don’t think I would have wanted to miss it, despite the traffic and the mud and sanitary problems that ultimately came up. Then again I’d probably only go if I was already near the area cause I wouldn’t be passionate enough to travel for it. Have you ever camped out with a significant other? Mmm no. We’re both pretty unfit to try camping hahaha. We’d have no clue where to start. I’d love to have the opportunity though. What kind of music do your parents listen to? Generally, my mom is super attached to her elementary and high school tunes; she knows every hit song from the 80s. Right now she’s in a Queen and ABBA phase though. My dad is so much hipper than I am and the playlists he makes has all the newest Top 40 singles lmfao, half of them I usually don’t even know about. I do know he has a bias for Maroon 5.

What's so special about the state you live in? We don’t have states here, only provinces and cities. Do you ever feel like you're getting old, but you're still a teen? Well, I mean I’m no longer a teen but when I used to be one I didn’t feel like I was getting older. I wanted to enjoy my teenage years, so I did my best to. What do you do when you can't escape thoughts of your ex? When I was stuck in this position, I couldn’t. I went out to as many hangouts with my friends as my mom could possibly allow me to try and forget, and while those helped distract me for a bit, it never fully worked. Then my grandfather died soon after so I had something else to cry about. And then the most important college entrance exam I was ever gonna take took place, so I was properly distracted for a bit. But that was all there is to it – distractions. What do you think about indoor pets? So long as they’re properly trained and don’t chew and/or pee on everything, it’s fine. If you were a fish, what colour would you like to be? Silver? I dunno. What was your best year at school, so far? In high school, third or fourth year. In college, third year (so far). Do you have any siblings? I have two. Do you have any lame family traditions for holidays? We have our traditions but I don’t think they’re lame. What colour hair do you have, naturally? Black. Do you think it's gay for a guy to straighten his hair? It’s not gay for a guy to do anything except actually be gay. Do you watch any TV shows where the setting's a hospital? Nope, generally not a fan of those. Do you believe in ghosts or spirits? I’d like to think it’s possible that they exist, but I’m not like an overzealous ~paranormal~ expert with equipment or anything close to that. Would you agree that love is blind? Sure. Do you want anything that you can't have? Yes. Lots of money. Would you still want it if you had it? I don’t think I’d get tired of it lmao. What's your favorite video game? Mmm I’m pretty basic lmfao, I’m going with the Grand Theft Auto or Resident Evil series. What are some perks of being your gender? I know we’re all about gender expression nowadays and anyone could wear what they want so what I’m about to say isn’t really a *perk*, but I do like how the women’s sections in shops are always much bigger than men’s. That’s the case in the Philippines though; I don’t know if it’s the same in other countries. Did your first real significant other change you at all? She helped me grow up and taught me to save a little love for myself. Are you waiting to have sex until you're married? Welp, I didn’t. Do you play any sports at school? My PE this semester is supposed to be weight training, but our instructor has decided that it will be a general fitness course so we’ll be working out for the next four months...I’m so dead lmao, I have not exercised a day in my life. :(((( He’s a gym coach though so he’s pretty legit, and while I’m mostly terrified about my body possibly giving out, I’m a LITTLE excited for what’s in store.

How many schools have you been to? Two. I went to the same school for 14 years for kinder, elementary, and high school. Then I started university and had to move to a different school. What's your favorite football team? I hate American football, and I don’t understand football. Do any songs give you goosebumps? Usually songs that are really meant to evoke intense feelings, yeah - like songs used in series finales. Baby Blue, used in Breaking Bad’s last episode is a great example. What do you think about divorce? We don’t have it here, so all I have to say is we need it :) :) :) What's your favorite colour? Pastel pink. What's your favorite colour to wear? Black, maroon, or olive green. Isn't it lovely when your SO smells good? Yessssssssssss. What do your socks look like? I’m not wearing any at the moment but the last pair I wear was blue and it had a bacon and eggs design. If you could live anywhere in the world, where would you live? Chicago. Where's the most beautiful place you've ever seen? Sagada. Do you watch shows like South Park, Family Guy, The Cleveland Show? I did, when I still used to watch on cable. I quickly realized that their humor was never my style, so I got tired of it easily. Harry Potter or Twilight? Twilight. Have you ever seen the show True Blood? Nope. Never looked interesting enough for me. Have you ever read a Harry Potter book? Yes. I read the series up until I reached the thick blue book, and at that point I realized it was gonna be the same old shit I read in the last four or so books. I always kinda hoped it was gonna be a different story for every new book but I never learned until I reached the blue one. I think I put it down by Page 2 and never returned to it anymore. Do you have anything autographed by a celebrity? I have a poster signed by AJ Lee, but I think that’s it. I used to have it on a frame because I absolutely DID NOT want it to get dirty, until my mom redesigned my room and it got placed in my closet. I would never throw it away, though. If you HAD to makeout with a celeb from the Disney channel, who would it be? I don’t know any of the new ones so I’m sticking with the people from my era. I’d go with Miley Cyrus. Who's your favorite actor? Kristen Stewart and Kate Winslet. Who can make you laugh no matter what? Hans.

What's your favorite way to eat peanut butter? As a doughnut flavor, in a milkshake, in a Reese’s, or with a spoon. Can you play any musical instruments? Just the recorder. I ‘know’ how to play piano but only because I know which keys to press to play my favorite tunes. Have you ever obsessed over a crush before? When I was in Grade 5 and was the typical 11 year old, sure. The last time you packed, what did you pack? Stuff for a trip to the beach. The next time you pack, where will you be going? Not sure. I think my dad has a couple of out-of-town trips planned. Do you still watch any cartoons meant for kids? Spongebob, that’s for sure haha. What's your favorite kind of cereal? I don’t like grainy ones. I’d go for super sweet cereals, like Cookie Crisps. What'd you eat for breakfast, all this past week? I skipped breakfast all week because I’ve had to drive to my morning classes. History or Discovery channel? Discovery, because History Channel is barely about history these days. Do you have a good memory? Yes. Do you have a Netflix? My dad handles the family plan, but yeah I technically have one because I’m part of the subscription. What were you doing the last time you were on a roof? I’ve never been on a roof, just rooftops. Have you ever attended a slumber party? I’ve been to sleepovers, but we didn’t really call them ~slumber parties. What did you wear to bed last night? I wore a tank and shorts, my usual get-up at home. What's your favorite kind of sandwich? Banh mi! Have you ever *dated* someone you've never met? Nope. Where can you always find inspiration? UP. Have you ever left America? I’ve never *been* to America. Have you seen Alice In Wonderland? Nope. Have you seen The Lovely Bones? Nope. What's your favorite movie, by the way? It’s either Good Will Hunting or Two for the Road. What keeps you awake at night? Various triggers.

[jancys-blue-bayou]

prompt for “we’ll figure it out”: emily always falling asleep on top of jonathan (since she was a baby)

A/N: Thanks for the great prompt! This spun into short little vignettes of them through the years.

Also on Ao3 and FFNet!

Four days old…

Emily is a clingy but sleepy baby. They come to that conclusion quickly. Both their mothers tell them how lucky they are she’s a sleepy baby as opposed to a cryer for example. According to her mom, Nancy was the latter, and she herself recalls Holly wailing in the night too. Joyce says Jonathan and Will both were similar to Emily. ”Sweet babies, but God you were so cuddly! As long as I held you you wouldn’t cry but there was a period where you’d cry soon as I put you down!”. That’s sort of how it is with Emily at this early stage. She doesn’t cry when she’s held, but try and set her down once she’s fallen asleep and she’ll instantly wake up crying, craving bodily contact. They hope Joyce is right that it’s just a phase that will pass, because though Emily is the most amazing, snuggly, cuddly, precious, awesomest thing ever, she’s not sure she’ll be able to deal with having to hold her all the time.

Because it’s still early, only their second day home from the hospital. She’s still drained from the ordeal of giving birth, she mostly sits or lies with Emily while Jonathan is running around waiting on her hand and foot. She swears it’s like he’s in multiple places at once sometimes, like when he’s somehow cooking her food, giving her a back rub, doing laundry and changing Emily’s diaper seemingly all at the same time. She felt kind of bad about just sitting on her butt while he’s darting around at light speed fixing stuff, but when she told him this he stopped in his tracks, looked at her and then pointed to Emily.

”You gave birth to her and you keep her alive, you’ve done more than I will ever even come close to doing, ever.”

Hard to argue with that when he sounds so sure.

She holds Emily most of the day. Emily eats and sleeps. That’s basically it. Well, that and tiny life-changing moments like her eyes peering open and them for a second locking gazes before Emily nuzzles in closer and falls back asleep. At night they try again to place a sleeping Emily in the bassinet by their bed, but they soon give up on it as it makes the girl bawl her eyes out. Emily stops crying soon as she picks her up again.

”You know, this is definitely your cuddle bug genes doing this,” she notes.

”Oh yeah, because you’re so cold and aloof,” Jonathan josses her.

”Fair,” she admits. Kind of has to admit considering she’s pressed into his side as usual right now, it’s second nature to her to be that close.

”I can take her,” he then offers.

She nods and carefully hands Emily over. The baby whimpers a little at first but soon as she’s resting against Jonathan’s broad chest she stops. She then lets out a big cute yawn before nuzzling in close and soon falling back asleep.

”Mm, she’s got the right idea,” she notes and adjusts herself, laying down her head in the crook of Jonathan’s neck. ”Comfiest pillow in the world.”

”Glad to be at your service,” he chuckles.

”Don’t roll over,” she mumbles into his chest before following Emily into dreamland.

Six months…

”Seriously it was awesome, their sound is amazing and he sings about like… like everything, you know? Like it just hits you so hard,” Will is beaming with excitement telling him all about a concert he went to with some friends from college last night. Some new band Jonathan’s not sure he’s heard of before, he’s been kind of out of the loop music wise recently. Other stuff kind of took the forefront.

”Yeah, totally. That’s awesome. What was their album called, again?” He asks while glancing at Emily who’s on the playmat between him and Will, currently content to just lie on her tummy clutching her dear Hopper the Bunny, that Will gave her as a newborn, in one fist while simply pounding the floor with the other while making incoherent baby noises, peering up at him. He smiles down at her.

”Nevermind,” Will tells him.

”What? No come on, I’m listening,” he insists. He really is, Will shouldn’t think he’s not interested or blowing him off just because he’s looking after the baby at the same time.

”No,” Will snorts with laughter. ”That’s the album. It’s called Nevermind. By Nirvana,” he explains.

”Oh! Gotcha. Cool, I’ll check that out.”

”I have a tape with a few of theirs on it, here,” Will fishes a mix tape out of his pocket and hands it over. ”You gotta hear Come As You Are. It’s incredible.”

”Cool,” he nods. Emily, intrigued by the new item in her line of sight reaches out for the tape in his hand.

”Awesome, she’s already into grunge. I knew you’d make a cool kid,” Will grins.

”She’s the coolest yeah,” he agrees.

”She actually almost looks like their album cover, kind of. But all babies look the same so. Well, except she doesn’t have the little wee-wee of course.”

”Er, what?”

”Oh, on the album cover there’s a baby boy swimming after a dollar bill.”

”Huh. ’Wee-wee’?” He smirks.

”Well I don’t know, felt weird to say d-i-c-k or p-e-n-i-s about a baby’s you-know-what, especially in front of a baby,” Will blushes.

”Right,” he chuckles.

Emily’s attention has turned to Will. She started crawling recently and excited with her newfound ability that she’s rapidly getting better at, she hurriedly turns around and crawls over to her uncle and tries to climb into his lap. That proves to big of a challenge though, but Emily happily babbles when Will instead picks her up and plays with her. He’s happy to watch the two of them. That Will would be the best uncle in the world was as obvious to him as the fact that Nancy would be the best mom ever.

”Hey watch her for a minute will you, I’ll get the milk,” he excuses himself and gets up to go to the kitchen.

”So how’s Nancy doing?” Will asks him while he feeds Emily.

”Good, she’s good. She’s happy to be back at work but still misses Emily for those hours. But you know, that’s how it is. She’d miss work otherwise.”

”Right, yeah. Plus work is just so many hours out of the day, she can still be with her, right?”

”Right. And she can work from home on Fridays, mostly, which is good for her. But I think she’s still adjusting, you know after being home with her for six months. You get really used to it and she’s always on your mind.”

”Sure. You guys are really nailing this whole thing, by the way. I mean, we all knew you would but it’s still cool to see.”

”Thanks. It’s pretty easy though, with Nancy on my team. She can do anything so I just try to do all I can.”

”Well, you’re not too bad either.”

”I guess. But to be fair Emily doesn’t really do much so it’s easy.”

”Mainly eating, it seems like?” Will smirks.

The girl in question just at that moment decides she’s done eating, turning her head and pushing the bottle away.

”Yeah,” he smiles as he holds Emily up to his shoulder and pats her back. ”And burping,” he continues and soon is granted with Emily doing just that.

Emily next lets out a comically large yawn, then nuzzles into his shirt and instantly falls asleep.

”And sleeping,” Will chuckles at the speed of which she went between the two modes.

”Yes. And pooping, don’t forget about pooping,” he adds and carefully adjusts Emily so he can take a quick sniff. ”Not yet, so there’s something to look forward to.”

”Exciting times,” Will rolls his eyes and smiles.

Four years old…

Okay. Dishes — done. Cleanup in the kitchen — done. Cleanup in the living room — done. Cleanup in the hall — done. Cleanup in their bedroom — not tonight. Cleanup in Emily’s room — await status report. Now entering prone position.

Emily turned four years old today. A monumental occasion of course, just like when she turned one, two and three. As per usual they invited Emily’s aunts and uncles and grandparents, and her best friend Luis, who all showed up of course, El in advance with the cake she insisted on making just like previous birthdays. But this year the guest list expanded outside the usual suspects. The big happening in Emily’s life between her third and fourth birthday was her starting preschool. She’s loved it from the start, being a bit apprehensive at first but once Nancy convinced her it was the start of a big exciting adventure she’d go on with Luis at her side, she was game. Headstrong, creative and energetic she soon discovered the perks of going to a place which had fun new toys she didn’t have at home and a bunch of new playmates. Emily invited them all to her party. Twenty kids who received nice handmade invitation cards Emily made with Nancy’s help. It’s all gone well, Emily’s had a big smile on her face all day playing with her friends and family. But dear God, somehow hosting twenty sugar-high kids at their place and the cleanup has been almost more exhausting than all their run-ins with another dimension. The aftermath of the party slightly reminded him of the states of destruction his old home in Hawkins was put in through the years.

He and Nancy cleaned the living room and hall together after saying goodbye to their last guests — his mother, stepfather and brother, whose offer to stay and help clean up they politely declined — while Emily played with the new toys she was gifted today. While he took care of the kitchen Nancy went to get Emily ready for bed.

And having finished up in there he’s now allowed himself to fall back on the living room couch, lying from end to end stretching out and grabbing some rest. He smiles to himself as he can hear Emily and Nancy talking in about the day while brushing their teeth. Then their soft footsteps pattering out from the bathroom and towards the living room.

”Turning four is exhausting! I’m all tuckered out.”

”Aw, you’ll sleep well then Peanut, we’ll just say goodnight to- well well looks like it tuckered daddy out too!”

He opens his eyes to find his wife smirking at him and his daughter with a smile on her lips and tired eyes. She clutches Hopper the bunny in her hand.

”Mm, well I certainly am all tuckered out. You and your friends really know how to party, Emi.”

”Did you have fun daddy?”

”I did, did you?”

”Super fun!”

”That’s good. Sometimes you have so much fun you get so tired. So we should go to sleep so we can wake up and have more fun tomorrow.”

”Good idea!”

He gives Emily a goodnight kiss and hug. But then the girl doesn’t turn away to go into her bedroom with Nancy like he expected, instead she climbs up the couch, plopping herself down on top of him, laying down with her head on his chest. His arms immediately go around her to keep her steady of course. Nancy snickers.

”Sweetie, what are you doing?” He asks.

Emily’s answer comes in the form of a large yawn. Says it all, really.

”Okay sweetie but we should sleep in beds not on top of daddy,” Nancy tries, barely containing the chuckle in her voice.

Emily’s already fallen asleep though.

”Wow she really goes lights out when she’s comfy on you doesn’t she,” Nancy continues to snicker.

”Yeah,” he whispers. It’s not the first time she’s fallen asleep on him or snuggled into him.

Sleeping on the couch the whole night doesn’t sound appealing though so with Nancy’s help he manages to get up without disturbing Emily and they head into their bedroom, all three of them. Nancy’s as beat as he is and they end end up in a big tangled heap, him sleeping on his back with  Emily on his chest and Nancy on his arm.

Six years old…

”I’m going to stay up until midnight!”

”Well, you’re welcome to try, Peanut.”

”I will! Just you watch!”

There’s five hours left of 1997 and their six year old is determined to stay awake for the fireworks going off at midnight. He has no problem with Emily taking on that challenge. She’ll never make it. She’s never made it past nine the previous years. He exchanges a knowing glance with Nancy who smirks at him. They’re celebrating in the new year at home with his mom, Hopper, El and Mike, and Will and his boyfriend Adam. It’s become a tradition for them all, since they first moved to New York really. In time for the clock to strike twelve they’ll go up to the roof of their apartment building from where they’ll have a good view of the fireworks. Until then they’re happy to be inside with each other’s company, food and the moderate amount of booze they’re comfortable having at a party with a six year old as well as El and Mike’s baby girl Anne.

Emily makes it until almost 10 PM before she slumps against Nancy on the couch and starts snoozing away. Nancy smiles and presses a kiss to their daughter’s hair before carefully adjusting her so she’s laying down under a blanket.

”We’ll wake her up for the fireworks,” she tells him as they together with the others subtly moves the party into the kitchen and keeping it going at a lower volume.

1997, the year Emily started first grade. And the year he and Nancy both turned 30 and ”officially got old” as Mike put it. He doesn’t really feel old though, it’s hard to feel that way when he’s with Nancy and they’re having just as much fun as they did a decade ago. It feels crazy how the years have passed. It feels like just yesterday they were skittering around each other until they finally just said fuck it and shared the damn bed in Murray’s bunker. But it also feels like just yesterday they moved to New York, just yesterday Emily was born, just yesterday a lot of things. Time is weird in that way.

”Honey, wake up.”

”Huh… what…” Emily mumbles in response as he rouses her from her sleep.

”It’s almost midnight. 1998 is just around the corner.”

”Nooo did I fall asleep?!”

”You did, honey.”

”Rats.”

”But you lasted longer than last year!”

”I’m tired…” Emily rubs her eyes.

”Come on, I’ll carry you.”

”Next year I’m going to be awake the whole time,” Emily says with conviction as they’re on the rooftop.

”I believe in you sweetie,” Nancy smiles.

”I’m gonna stay up all night now at least!”

”I’m sure you will…”

”Ten!” Mike calls out, and they all join in counting down the last ten seconds of the year, none more loud than Emily.

”Happy new year!”

He’s still holding Emily and on the stroke of midnight he and Nancy kisses either of their daughter’s cheeks. She squeals with laughter while fireworks erupt above their heads. Emily is transfixed by them while he shares a quick kiss with Nancy.

By the time the last fireworks ebb out, Emily’s already fallen back asleep against his chest.

Fifteen years old…

”America’s Most Wanted?”

”Next.”

”Law & Order SVU?”

”I’ve seen this one three times already.”

”News?”

”I write the news, next.”

”Some Disney cartoon… oh it’s Lady and the Tramp.”

”Hold it!”

”You want to watch Lady and the Tramp?”

”Hell yeah, considering the options.”

”Fair.”

Jonathan puts down the remote. She picks up both their wine glasses and hands his to him before nestling into his side, getting comfortable right in the spot that’s been her favorite one to be in on earth for decades now. It’s Saturday night and Emily is out, giving them privacy and time to cuddle up on the couch. Jonathan remembered to pick up wine but forgot to pick up a movie and having gone through all their dvd’s they opted to flick through channels until finding something suitable enough. Which they found in ABC’s Saturday Night Movie.

”Remember first time we watched this together?”

”Yes, there was a snowstorm so we couldn’t go to the movies so we had to make due with what me and Will and mom had on tape.”

”And we found this and you got inspired to make spaghetti later.”

”Right.”

”One of my favorite dates ever I think.”

”I’m sure-”

He’s interrupted by the front door suddenly swinging open and Emily coming in, alone.

”You’re home early?” She calls out to the hall. Emily really is, it’s not even 9:30, way too early for a teenager to return home from a date.

Emily doesn’t answer at first but they can hear her breathing heavily.

”Emi? Are you okay?” She asks as they both stand up. They’re on their way to the hall when Emily steps into the living room, wiping at her cheeks where tears fall freely.

”Brian broke up with me.”

Oh. The first boyfriend. Since about a month back. And now the first heartbreak. It pains her so to see her daughter like this, all she wants to do is wrap her up in a big hug and shield her from everything bad in the world. So that’s what she does. And Jonathan the same.

”Oh sweetheart, come here. I’m so sorry.”

Emily just cries in their arms for awhile and they simply let her. Eventually she feels it appropriate to ask.

”What happened?”

”I-I d-don’t know he just said he wasn’t ’feeling it’ anymore… w-what am I supposed to make out of that?”

”Ugh, I don’t know sweetie that’s such a shitty explanation… it’s not even an explanation.”

”I-I j-just don’t get what… what changed? I d-didn’t feel like anything changed I thought it was like before, I liked that… m-maybe I’m too slow… too boring…”

”Honey, no,” Jonathan immediately protests.

”But it must be me… I d-don’t know what to do with… stuff like this… what’s expected… I thought we were having fun I didn’t want to do… more. Than we were doing…” Emily mumbles, then hastily adds. ”Just kissing! Is what I meant. Just kissing I don’t want…”

”Peanut, relax. You didn’t do anything wrong. Come here, let’s sit down.”

They lead Emily to the couch and sit down with Emily in the middle. They let Emily collect herself, anticipating that she has more to get off her chest first. As much as it pains her to see her daughter hurting, she’s happy Emily feels comfortable coming to them to talk about it. Like they’ve told her all her life, she should always come to them with whatever problem she has and they will listen to her and try to help her. She thinks back to her own upbringing. It wasn’t quite like that. She loves her mom but they were never… that close, or at least not as close as she feels to Emily. Growing up she didn’t always feel like she could go to her mom. She vividly remembers the last time she did, go to her with a big problem. Confiding in her about Barb’s disappearance and all her worries about that. Her mom had tried to be supportive in her own way at first but then… the betrayal she felt when, after she told her mom all about her worries for Barb and what could’ve happened to her, her mom instead focused on the fact that she had gone to a party and hooked up with a guy, that that was what was important to her, that her princess had slept with some guy not that Barb was missing. She’s never really gotten over that betrayal, after that it felt useless to go to her mom with her troubles. She’d handle it herself instead. With a lot of help from the guy who’s right now got his arm protectively around both her and their daughter on the couch. And she promised herself she’d never do to Emily what her own mom did to her.

”I’m just… I don’t know what people, what he… expects. Or wants. I thought we were just having fun going to the movies and hanging out and stuff and just uh… kissing. I didn’t… don’t… want to do more than that… kissing. Right now. But I know that… I mean Cindy told us in the locker room that she let Greg Morris feel her up like uh… a lot and people talk about going to second base or third or whatever and like some have been having sex since like 8th grade, ew, but I’m just… not ready… for that stuff… I thought Brian got that but I mean I know he wanted more because I kind of had to slow him down last week what if that’s what… I mean everyone else is up for it I don’t know why I’m such a-”

”Hey hey hey. You shouldn’t do stuff you don’t want to do. Never. Don’t ever do stuff just because other people are doing them if you don’t really want to. That’s never the solution. We’re so proud of you. You’re so strong.”

”No…”

”Yes you are, you have the strength to say something when you’re uncomfortable and don’t let people just have their way with you. That’s really strong. You know… a lot of that stuff you mentioned it’s just… okay all that stuff can for sure be fun, but only if both are ready for it and really want to do it. Sadly I think a lot of times people start doing stuff like that when they’re too young because… well because boys… a lot of… most, boys take stuff for granted and maybe are pushy in a way that it’s hard to say no. When someone is being pushy, to say no like you did that takes strength and not everyone has that strength always, which no one can be blamed for, it’s just bad that people are pushy… I’m not gonna be the type of mother who tells you to not do… stuff but I am glad you haven’t done that stuff yet if you’re not comfortable with it. Because it really is only fun if you really want to do it not when you just give in because someone nags you about it.”

”And if he couldn’t handle you saying you didn’t want to do that stuff then he’s an idiot.”

”Dad…”

”He is. If he can’t wait and doesn’t like it when a girl says what she wants, he sucks.”

”It’s true Peanut, he really sucks if that’s the reason.”

”Okay but still it’s… I don’t know if it was that I just think maybe that was… but also just like… compared to other girls I mean I… if I don’t put out like other girls… and then I look like this and I’m not cool I don’t get how… what would people see in me… what did he even see-”

”People see a super cute beautiful girl! With a cute face and great hair and piercingly blue eyes-”

”Mom, you’re my mom of course you’re gonna say-”

”That you’re the most beautiful girl in the world, because you are. Okay remember, family rule: No bullshit.”

”But ugh I’m too short and I’m flat as a plank and my acne is…”

”Isn’t noticeable. And you’re not flat as a plank, nor too short. You’re perfect.”

”Yes. And what do you mean you’re not cool? You’re easily the coolest girl in your school.”

”Dad, you don’t know cool. Pretty sure my dad saying I’m the coolest just made me even less cool…”

”Hey now I know cool! Your mom was the coolest girl in town no doubt and you’re so much like her!”

”Yeah right… I just… feel so stupid.”

”You’re not stupid. He’s stupid. Boys are stupid.”

”Well I’m just… I thought he liked me… I liked him… I think I liked him… it’s… I hate this. I was so nervous I’d screw it up and I wasn’t sure how I felt but then I started feeling better about it and then he just goes ’not feeling it’… I don’t… I don’t know…”

”Sweetie, were you having fun? With him.”

”Yes… mostly, I mean. When I wasn’t nervous or unsure of… stuff, it was fun.”

”Well then… I know it hurts, it ending like this. Without him giving a good reason even. That really sucks. And I’m not gonna lie, it’s gonna continue to suck for a bit… I wish I could say something that would just make it all better but I don’t have those magic words sweetie. But I do know it’s going to be okay.”

”Right…”

”And I don’t think you should have any regrets. Seriously, it’s his loss not yours. It’s not you who did anything wrong. You did what you wanted to do and didn’t do what you didn’t want to do. Hold onto that attitude sweetie, please, I’m begging you. Don’t do stuff you don’t want to do. If he can’t handle that it’s his loss.”

”Yeah he’ll be kicking himself soon enough. He’ll go ’oh my god how could I let Emily Byers go? I’m such an idiot’,” Jonathan fills in.

”Yeah right dad,” Emily scoffs with the slightest hint of laughter in her tone. ”And thanks mom I know I’m just… trying to be strong like you but-”

”You’re already way stronger than me.”

”No I’m not-”

”Yes you are. God you should’ve seen me at your age. So desperate to fit in, so unsure of who I was, what I wanted to do…”

”I don’t know what I want to do or who I am or anything either!”

”Yeah but who does? My point is, you at least don’t change who you are to fit in. You’re just unapologetically you, which makes you the coolest. You got that from your dad, by the way. I love that about you and that’s why your friends like you and that’s why even the dork I married is right when he says you’re the coolest girl in school.”

Emily releases a soft chuckle at her calling Jonathan a dork.

”Why are you drinking wine and watching Lady and the Tramp?” Emily then asks as she readjusts herself further back into the cushions and for the first time really glancing up at the TV.

”Because adulthood is fun. And because your father forgot to go to Blockbuster.”

”And because your mom got nostalgic.”

”We watched this in the winter of ’84 when we got snowed in and then he got inspired to make me spaghetti,” she explains to Emily’s questioning look. ”It was sweet.”

”Ugh, you’re both dorks,” Emily shakes her head.

”Thanks, you’ve said that before.”

The classic scene where Lady and the Tramp share a string of spaghetti comes on.

”Please tell me you guys didn’t do that,” Emily sighs.

”Well…”

”It was your mother’s idea.”

”God please tell me I’m adopted.”

”Sorry honey.”

Her daughter’s usual dry sarcasm is like music to her ears. Emily will be okay. They remain cuddled up together all three on the couch for the rest of the evening, lazily watching the rest of the movie and then other late-night programming. Eventually Emily falls asleep against Jonathan just like she always did when she was little. She gently brushes a hand through Emily’s hair and thinks that through it all they somehow must’ve managed to do something right because they’ve raised this girl who’s turned into the best person in the history of the world as far as she’s concerned.

[count-demonlord-of-decadence]

Impromptu: Introduction of Power

We’ve officially moved from The Nameless Theater to a operational dance club called P.H.; which secretly stands for Pheasant Humiliation. The move reduces our cleaning and maintenance cost by 47.3% and features a fully functioning kitchen. The clubs owner is my friend and fellow libertine Risa Kawajiri, though running the club will keep her from attending ‘Impromptu’. But before we reveal the minutes of this event, let us first describe the locale as there won’t be time to describe them later; but by no means shall it distract from our tale.

The exterior of P.H. is in no way unique or distinguished from the other buildings in the area. The interior of the first floor is just as interesting as the exterior, save for the excessive use of valour. Upstairs is the VIP room with more valour and six televisions for viewing various sporting events. It is only through an electronically locked door on the ground floor labeled ‘Staff Only’ (as opposed to employees only) one can access to our setting. Follow me as I have an electronic key card that allows access. Follow me into a dimly lit corridor with a thrice turning, ADA certified ramp to another door also electronically locked which the key card opens. On the other side is another door much like one finds in a modern bank allowing passage to one person at a time. This third door requires a five digit PIN unique to each guest; thus preventing undesirables from entering. I have provided one for you (85491), so come along as we enter…

...A brightly lit club with gold plating, mirrors and reclaimed wood wherever possible, bringing the word gaudy to the mind of most who see it. Assuming we entered through the Southwest door, I shall describe the layout desoil from the aforementioned starting point. Immediately to the right is the men’s lavatory, along the West wall is the bar, followed by the buffet. The kitchen is behind the bar. The Northwest corner is the supply room servicing both the kitchen and the stage. The stage is along the North wall with a DJ booth in the Northeast corner. The East wall is a lounge area with couches and tables with a variety of pipes, bongs and hookahs ready for use. In the southeast corner is the women’s restroom, followed by the other entrance with a unisex lavatory in between the two entrances. Their architecture and style differ in no way from the rest of the club. The dance floor was in the middle.

Now let us turn to the night in question. Ah but gentle reader, I must first take a moment to beg of you to prepare your heart and mind for a telling of an adventure most impure. Many of the actions we shall depict will, undoubtedly, displease you. This we know. But there amongst you a few whom this tale will warm to the point of arousal. We cannot guess who amongst you will fall into which category, all we can do is relay the facts as best we can given the details of this evening. Think it of as a buffet, some dishes you’ll like, some you won’t, but you needn’t eat them all. Take what you like and leave the rest for others to decide for themselves.

And now, with no further delay or warnings, we present the minutes of the event called, ‘Impromptu’.

There are 19 (counting your dear narrator who does have a role in this drama) attendees at Impromptu, the first we must mention of course is the ponytailed assassin from Thursday; we never did learn his name. He is naked and locked bent over in a pillory bolted to the stage; facing the lounge area. His feet kept apart by a metal spreader locked around his ankles and locked to the stage. His mouth is held open by a dentist's gag. The second guest we must mention is Ling-Li Chang, mistress of the Purple Dragon Triad. She was dressed in a sailor suit, gagged and cuffed ankles and wrists to a wheelchair. A head restraint was attached to prevent her from turning her head, and support the wire speculum that held her eyes open. She was positioned as close to the stage as possible but ensured she could see the whole stage.

The 17 others were all to play a game. Each would be given a turn to subject ponytail to whatever their dark imaginations could conceive of; but whoever killed him would have to pay a thousand dollars to every guest who didn’t their turn. They drew numbers to determine the order.

We’ll skip the hour or so they spent treating this as an everyday social event, making small talk, sampling the food, making each other’s drinks and get to the examples of how it wasn’t. With that the first number was called. It was Lucas (no surname), built like a UFC middleweight; he’s a veteran member of The Syndicate who participated in the raid on Ling-Li’s villa. His past is a mystery to all, but one could speculate he was an American with military training. Lucas simply struck ponytail about the face 14 or 16 times with his fists. He clearly didn’t hold back.

Next was a woman, short, nearly 100 kg most of which was muscle. She had short hair and wore blue jeans, a grey t shirt and a red flannel shirt over it. She place a cage on his limp prick and began massaging his anus and testes with sensuous oils to encourage an erection impeded by the cage. All the men winced, hissed and/or groaned at the sight. A discussion of whether or not he was capable of preventing an erection was possible and all agreed; not with the technique our heroine used. There was an applause at the end.

Number three was an obese white MtoF transexual who went by the name Luna Turquoise; easily voted best dressed of the evening. Luna made sweet tender love to ponytail. There was a spirited debate among those on the dance floor as to how cruel this was. Sure he was sexually assaulted but he wasn’t maimed or disfigured. Also planted the thought that this would be the most pleasant thing to happen to him seem the worst torture of all. Others took the position that not removing the penis prison was the worst. Let us finish the minutes and you, dear reader, can determine what was the worst single event he suffered.

A Japanese dominatrix, unanimously voted second best dressed of the evening, though her name escapes me, took her turn next. She gave him 50 strokes with a bull pizzle on the buttocks. Nearly 30 of those strokes landed in between his cheeks. Following was Christof Select, attending his first such party. He was welcomed with gentle teasing and gratitude. He showed no signs of first time jitters as he shoved filthy and salted bamboo shoots under ponytail’s finger and toenails. He sipped a pair of manhattans and sang Norse folk songs the entire time.

Thérése (no surname), sixty-two, hailing from the bowls of France. She looks like a skeleton, has no hair, no teeth, a stinking mouth, and ass seamed with scars, it’s hole is of excessively generous diameter. She forced her fetid ass and cunt on to the subject’s mouth, rubs it all over his face. She produces some of the most foul smelling farts and queefs as she does so. Her orgasam is intense and she shouts blasphamies as it happens.

Amir Kusein, dressed in an Armani tuxedo and hold his fourth dirty snowball (Pour irish cream and peppermint schnapps over ice in a medium rocks or old-fashioned glass. Top with milk, stir, and serve in "Old-Fashioned Glass" and no garnish) had been moping the night because he couldn’t bring his dog. There was a lively discussion among the attendees about animal participation during the preamble. Suffice to say they were excluded, and Amir was disappointed. He satisfied himself while dropping teaspoons of boiling peanut oil onto ponytail’s back and buttocks. He ejaculated into the subject’s left ear.

Cammy Williams, a veteran member of The Syndicate who participated in the raid on Ling-Li’s villa. She wore an Alice in Wonderland (animated) cosplay with bunny ears atop her head. She was standing at the buffet feasting on teriyaki shrimp when her number as called. She dashed to the stage, wasted no time and showcased her MI6 training by dislocating his right shoulder and breaking a rib in one ferocious elbow strike. This produced a scream and a puddle of urine from the subject that brought a cheer from the attendees. She then returned to the buffet. No one else had teriyaki shrimp that night.

Viktor (no surname), a veteran member of The Syndicate who participated in the raid on Ling-Li’s villa; and probably the largest man you’ll ever see. He wore a white gym shirt and green gym shorts that hide nothing. When questioned about his lack of shoes he replied he liked the feel of the filth on his feet. Brandishing the third largest member of the night, he sodomized to the direction of those on the dance floor, letting them control the tempo, depth, strength, etc. of his penetrations. He finished by discharging into the crowd. They were delighted.

The woman that followed is best described as actress Constance Zimmer (though it couldn’t possibly be her) cosplaying as Edea from Final Fantasy 8. Notably, she was controversially voted third best dressed at the event. She firmly planted her shoe heel in the subject’s anus and proceeded to use a megaphone to verbally abuse him with every degrading insult and invective she could shout in the time permitted. She had spent the last 19 hours memorizing them in preparation for this moment. Most took this moment to use the restrooms or hit the buffet; unless they wanted teriyaki shrimp.

A man I only ever heard called, and I do beg your pardon for this, Arse Splitter, is 28 years old. He has the look of a satyr; his majestic prick is bent saber fashion, it’s head, or glans, is enormous, it is eight and three eighths inches in circumference and the shaft eight in length. A fine curve to this majestic prick. Sodomized the subject in a manner true to his name. Many of the ladies attending wished to try him out, but learned his leanings were only for men’s asses.

Nina White, a veteran member of The Syndicate who participated in the raid on Ling-Li’s villa. She was dressed as a playboy bunny and had just been spurned by Arse Splitter when her number was called. She found large chunks of ice and used them to break eight bones in his hands. It matters not which ones or in which order it happened. It is enough to say it took considerable effort on her part, three chunks ice and only ended because her time was said to have expired.

Up next was a man who made his living as a professional Dennis Rodman impersonator, dressed in a Yves Saint Laurent wedding dress and had been very bitchy since he didn’t make the top three for best dressed. One by one he used a straight razor to cut off the subject’s toes and shoves them up his ass with a member that also fails to make the top three of the night. He discharged when the tenth toe came back out.

A squat woman dressed as Pennywise the Dancing Clown from Stephen King’s It (2017) viciously fists the subject and beats him with a one pound plastic weight in a crudely drawn sock puppet. In her, fist, is the remote for her vibrating panties. Her orgasam is so intense, so flfilling, she falls. After she falls out of him, he voids  his bowels upon her. She then has a second orgasm more intense and violent than the first. Viktor has to carry her off the stage to the lounge where they fornicate, forever tainting one of the couches.

Next was a muscular 6 foot 3 inch tall, black, MtoF transsexual cosplaying as Juliet from Lollipop Chainsaw. She tries to pull out ten of the subjects teeth with two pair of the filthiest pliers one ever did see, failing to get three. She then holds the subject’s tongue with a pair of the pliers and stabs his tongue with a pair equally filthy screwdrivers, both phillips and flat. when asked she revealed she kept the tools in the bowl of a portable toilet used by the homeless. She doesn’t stay for the orgy that follows these minutes.

The penultimate guest was Heather Camden dressed in a Star Trek TNG engineers uniform, rank Lieutenant Commander. She dumped three table spoons of some caustic powder to his mouth that reacted with the water in his mouth in a very acidic way. It produced some voluptuous gargled screams to which she frigged herself. She howled and appeared in seizure when climaxing. The woman, who’s name I cannot remember though I know she went second, carried Heather off the stage.

Last was me, your narrator gentle reader. I simply stab his six or seven times with an ornate early 18th century German smallsword; taking great care to ensure none of the wounds is fatal. The subject is then freed of his bonds and rushed to a competent emergency room. Our heroes then have an orgy the likes of which I’ll leave to your imaginations based on the information you have now. Though i must confess Viktor, Ms. Pennywise and Thérése had their own private orgy which Ling-Li was made to watch, apart from the main one. When it was over Ling-Li was returned to her corpse decorated villa with the understanding of what happens to those who fuck with The Syndicate.

[mardukwhite-blog]

I was not raised in a racist home or environment. Living in the South, almost every White person has a small amount of racial awareness, simply beause of the numbers of negroes in this part of the country. But it is a superficial awareness. Growing up, in school, the White and black kids would make racial jokes toward each other, but all they were were jokes. Me and White friends would sometimes would watch things that would make us think that “blacks were the real racists” and other elementary thoughts like this, but there was no real understanding behind it. The event that truly awakened me was the Trayvon Martin case. I kept hearing and seeing his name, and eventually I decided to look him up. I read the Wikipedia article and right away I was unable to understand what the big deal was. It was obvious that Zimmerman was in the right. But more importantly this prompted me to type in the words “black on White crime” into Google, and I have never been the same since that day. The first website I came to was the Council of Conservative Citizens. There were pages upon pages of these brutal black on White murders. I was in disbelief. At this moment I realized that something was very wrong. How could the news be blowing up the Trayvon Martin case while hundreds of these black on White murders got ignored? From this point I researched deeper and found out what was happening in Europe. I saw that the same things were happening in England and France, and in all the other Western European countries. Again I found myself in disbelief. As an American we are taught to accept living in the melting pot, and black and other minorities have just as much right to be here as we do, since we are all immigrants. But Europe is the homeland of White people, and in many ways the situation is even worse there. From here I found out about the Jewish problem and other issues facing our race, and I can say today that I am completely racially aware. Blacks I think it is is fitting to start off with the group I have the most real life experience with, and the group that is the biggest problem for Americans. Niggers are stupid and violent. At the same time they have the capacity to be very slick. Black people view everything through a racial lense. Thats what racial awareness is, its viewing everything that happens through a racial lense. They are always thinking about the fact that they are black. This is part of the reason they get offended so easily, and think that some thing are intended to be racist towards them, even when a White person wouldnt be thinking about race. The other reason is the Jewish agitation of the black race. Black people are racially aware almost from birth, but White people on average dont think about race in their daily lives. And this is our problem. We need to and have to. Say you were to witness a dog being beat by a man. You are almost surely going to feel very sorry for that dog. But then say you were to witness a dog biting a man. You will most likely not feel the same pity you felt for the dog for the man. Why? Because dogs are lower than men. This same analogy applies to black and White relations. Even today, blacks are subconsciously viewed by White people are lower beings. They are held to a lower standard in general. This is why they are able to get away with things like obnoxious behavior in public. Because it is expected of them. Modern history classes instill a subconscious White superiority complex in Whites and an inferiority complex in blacks. This White superiority complex that comes from learning of how we dominated other peoples is also part of the problem I have just mentioned. But of course I dont deny that we are in fact superior. I wish with a passion that niggers were treated terribly throughout history by Whites, that every White person had an ancestor who owned slaves, that segregation was an evil an oppressive institution, and so on. Because if it was all it true, it would make it so much easier for me to accept our current situation. But it isnt true. None of it is. We are told to accept what is happening to us because of ancestors wrong doing, but it is all based on historical lies, exaggerations and myths. I have tried endlessly to think of reasons we deserve this, and I have only came back more irritated because there are no reasons. Only a fourth to a third of people in the South owned even one slave. Yet every White person is treated as if they had a slave owning ancestor. This applies to in the states where slavery never existed, as well as people whose families immigrated after slavery was abolished. I have read hundreds of slaves narratives from my state. And almost all of them were positive. One sticks out in my mind where an old ex-slave recounted how the day his mistress died was one of the saddest days of his life. And in many of these narratives the slaves told of how their masters didnt even allowing whipping on his plantation. Segregation was not a bad thing. It was a defensive measure. Segregation did not exist to hold back negroes. It existed to protect us from them. And I mean that in multiple ways. Not only did it protect us from having to interact with them, and from being physically harmed by them, but it protected us from being brought down to their level. Integration has done nothing but bring Whites down to level of brute animals. The best example of this is obviously our school system. Now White parents are forced to move to the suburbs to send their children to “good schools”. But what constitutes a “good school”? The fact is that how good a school is considered directly corresponds to how White it is. I hate with a passion the whole idea of the suburbs. To me it represents nothing but scared White people running. Running because they are too weak, scared, and brainwashed to fight. Why should we have to flee the cities we created for the security of the suburbs? Why are the suburbs secure in the first place? Because they are White. The pathetic part is that these White people dont even admit to themselves why they are moving. They tell themselves it is for better schools or simply to live in a nicer neighborhood. But it is honestly just a way to escape niggers and other minorities. But what about the White people that are left behind? What about the White children who, because of school zoning laws, are forced to go to a school that is 90 percent black? Do we really think that that White kid will be able to go one day without being picked on for being White, or called a “white boy”? And who is fighting for him? Who is fighting for these White people forced by economic circumstances to live among negroes? No one, but someone has to. Here I would also like to touch on the idea of a Norhtwest Front. I think this idea is beyond stupid. Why should I for example, give up the beauty and history of my state to go to the Norhthwest? To me the whole idea just parralells the concept of White people running to the suburbs. The whole idea is pathetic and just another way to run from the problem without facing it. Some people feel as though the South is beyond saving, that we have too many blacks here. To this I say look at history. The South had a higher ratio of blacks when we were holding them as slaves. Look at South Africa, and how such a small minority held the black in apartheid for years and years. Speaking of South Africa, if anyone thinks that think will eventually just change for the better, consider how in South Africa they have affirmative action for the black population that makes up 80 percent of the population. It is far from being too late for America or Europe. I believe that even if we made up only 30 percent of the population we could take it back completely. But by no means should we wait any longer to take drastic action. Anyone who thinks that White and black people look as different as we do on the outside, but are somehow magically the same on the inside, is delusional. How could our faces, skin, hair, and body structure all be different, but our brains be exactly the same? This is the nonsense we are led to believe. Negroes have lower Iqs, lower impulse control, and higher testosterone levels in generals. These three things alone are a recipe for violent behavior. If a scientist publishes a paper on the differences between the races in Western Europe or Americans, he can expect to lose his job. There are personality traits within human families, and within different breeds of cats or dogs, so why not within the races? A horse and a donkey can breed and make a mule, but they are still two completely different animals. Just because we can breed with the other races doesnt make us the same. In a modern history class it is always emphasized that, when talking about “bad” things Whites have done in history, they were White. But when we lern about the numerous, almost countless wonderful things Whites have done, it is never pointed out that these people were White. Yet when we learn about anything important done by a black person in history, it is always pointed out repeatedly that they were black. For example when we learn about how George Washington carver was the first nigger smart enough to open a peanut. On another subject I want to say this. Many White people feel as though they dont have a unique culture. The reason for this is that White culture is world culture. I dont mean that our culture is made up of other cultures, I mean that our culture has been adopted by everyone in the world. This makes us feel as though our culture isnt special or unique. Say for example that every business man in the world wore a kimono, that every skyscraper was in the shape of a pagoda, that every door was a sliding one, and that everyone ate every meal with chopsticks. This would probably make a Japanese man feel as though he had no unique traditional culture. I have noticed a great disdain for race mixing White women within the White nationalists community, bordering on insanity it. These women are victims, and they can be saved. Stop. Jews Unlike many White naitonalists, I am of the opinion that the majority of American and European jews are White. In my opinion the issues with jews is not their blood, but their identity. I think that if we could somehow destroy the jewish identity, then they wouldnt cause much of a problem. The problem is that Jews look White, and in many cases are White, yet they see themselves as minorities. Just like niggers, most jews are always thinking about the fact that they are jewish. The other issue is that they network. If we could somehow turn every jew blue for 24 hours, I think there would be a mass awakening, because people would be able to see plainly what is going on. I dont pretend to understand why jews do what they do. They are enigma. Hispanics Hispanics are obviously a huge problem for Americans. But there are good hispanics and bad hispanics. I remember while watching hispanic television stations, the shows and even the commercials were more White than our own. They have respect for White beauty, and a good portion of hispanics are White. It is a well known fact that White hispanics make up the elite of most hispanics countries. There is good White blood worht saving in Uruguay, Argentina, Chile and even Brasil. But they are still our enemies. East Asians I have great respent for the East Asian races. Even if we were to go extinct they could carry something on. They are by nature very racist and could be great allies of the White race. I am not opposed at all to allies with the Northeast Asian races. Patriotism I hate the sight of the American flag. Modern American patriotism is an absolute joke. People pretending like they have something to be proud while White people are being murdered daily in the streets. Many veterans believe we owe them something for “protecting our way of life” or “protecting our freedom”. But im not sure what way of life they are talking about. How about we protect the White race and stop fighting for the jews. I will say this though, I myself would have rather lived in 1940's American than Nazi Germany, and no this is not ignorance speaking, it is just my opinion. So I dont blame the veterans of any wars up until after Vietnam, because at least they had an American to be proud of and fight for. An Explanation To take a saying from a film, “I see all this stuff going on, and I dont see anyone doing anything about it. And it pisses me off.”. To take a saying from my favorite film, “Even if my life is worth less than a speck of dirt, I want to use it for the good of society.”. I have no choice. I am not in the position to, alone, go into the ghetto and fight. I chose Charleston because it is most historic city in my state, and at one time had the highest ratio of blacks to Whites in the country. We have no skinheads, no real KKK, no one doing anything but talking on the internet. Well someone has to have the bravery to take it to the real world, and I guess that has to be me. Unfortunately at the time of writing I am in a great hurry and some of my best thoughts, actually many of them have been to be left out and lost forever. But I believe enough great White minds are out there already. Please forgive any typos, I didnt have time to check it.

[chaiwu1314]

What causes the severe hair loss

1. What is the cause of severe hair loss

　　 One is: hereditary hair loss.

Hereditary hair loss is the most common cause of hair loss in men. The reason for this serious hair loss is that some of the human head hair follicles have natural defects. They are easily stimulated by male hormones in the body and cause the hair follicles to shrink, lose their function, and enter "pseudosexuality". The "death" state leads to severe hair loss.

　　 The second is: lack of sleep, poor sleep quality.

　　 Adequate sleep can promote the normal metabolism of skin and hair, and the metabolism period of hair is mainly at night, especially between 10 pm and 2 am. During this period of adequate sleep, the hair can be metabolized normally. On the contrary, if the metabolism and nutrition of the hair are out of balance, the hair will fall out. Nowadays, people are used to staying up late or even overnight due to work, study, etc., which leads to severe hair loss.

　　 The third is: long-term mental stress.

　　 The high mental pressure in today's society is also one of the main reasons for the severe hair loss. The ancients used to say "smile, ten years old, worry, worry, white head", it can be seen that hair and spirit have a lot to do. Hair loss caused by mental problems is generally temporary, as long as you adjust your mentality and improve your quality of life, this can generally be restored.

　　Fourth is: unbalanced nutrition.

　　Unbalanced nutrition has always been one of the important reasons for severe hair loss. The growth of hair requires a lot of protein, amino acids, vitamins, trace elements, etc. If a certain kind of nutrition is lacking, it will make the hair grow abnormally and cause hair loss all the time.

　　 Fifth is: the scalp is stimulated by the outside.

　　External stimulation is also the main cause of hair loss. External irritation mainly comes from perm, hair dyeing, hair pulling, hair binding, poor air environment, and poor cleaning. These irritations directly damage the hair follicles and cause chronic hair loss. It is also easy to damage the hair quality, and the hair becomes thin and soft. It can be said that most of these factors are man-made, so we need to pay attention to them.

Second, what should I do if my hair falls badly? 　　 1. Diet is the main source of hair nutrition, so whether the diet is balanced or not will directly affect the growth of hair. If the long-term nutrition is not balanced, or if eating spicy food stimulates greasy food, it will lead to severe hair loss. To make your hair grow healthily, you should pay attention to nutritional conditioning, supplement high-quality protein, and eat less spicy and irritating foods and foods that are too fatty to provide sufficient nutrient absorption for your hair!

　　2. Daily care is a key factor directly related to the health of hair and hair roots. Don't blindly pursue fashion, pursue beauty, and perm and dye your hair excessively. Perm and dyeing will make the hair lose its luster and elasticity, and even become dry and yellow, which will lead to severe hair loss. At the same time, it is necessary to clean and protect the hair moderately. When washing the hair, pay attention to the massage of the head and the hair care after washing.

3. You can choose an effective method that suits you to effectively suppress the continuous occurrence of severe hair loss, avoid hair thinning on the top of the head due to long-term hair fall, and baldness, and avoid the appearance of frequent hair fall. Produce a huge gap to avoid immeasurable impact on life and career due to frequent hair loss. Experts recommend that Heileya has a good effect on preventing frequent hair loss.

　　4. Maintain an optimistic attitude towards life, take part in more exercises to keep the body and mind healthy, and avoid anxiety, excessive stress, and long-term mental stress that can lead to severe hair loss. Should reduce stress, exercise properly, promote the normal circulation of body functions, and maintain optimism and cheerfulness. On weekends, you can go out at the right time, breathe in the fresh air outside the city, and appreciate the amorous feelings of nature, thereby effectively relaxing your body and mind.

　　 5. Sufficient sleep is an indispensable foundation for a healthy life. Only by ensuring the quality of sleep, can people better engage in new work, maintain normal functioning of the body, and effectively avoid severe hair loss.

3. What kind of food is better for hair loss? 　　 iron supplement

　　 Suitable for the crowd: Anemia causes hair loss

　　 The human body needs a variety of trace elements. Iron deficiency can cause anemia. One of the accompanying symptoms of anemia is hair loss. Therefore, you should choose foods with high iron content in your diet. Peanuts, soybeans, black beans, carrots, spinach, carp, bananas, potatoes, etc. are rich in iron.

　　 Protein supplement

　　 Suitable for the crowd: malnourished hair loss

　　Hair is one of the measures of people's health. Malnutrition is manifested as browning, split ends, and a lot of hair loss on the hair. This type of hair loss should eat foods with higher protein content. Eggs, white meat, corn, etc. are high-protein foods. Milk is also a good choice.

　　Alkaline vegetables and fruits

　　 Suitable for the crowd: Excessive fatigue causes hair loss

　　 The major factor in hair loss and yellowing of hair may be acid toxins in the blood. The reason is physical and mental fatigue. Long-term consumption of carbohydrates and fatty foods causes acid toxins to be produced in the metabolic process of the body. Vegetables and fruits such as grapes, tea, wine, kelp, citrus, persimmons, cucumbers, and carrots are all strongly alkaline.

　　 Hair aging and hair loss

　　Hair is also alive. It changes with the change of people's age. It also has a growth period, a mature period and a senescence period. For this type of hair loss, we must first maintain an optimistic and young mentality, and at the same time supplement vitamin E in an appropriate amount. Vitamin E can also be taken from food. Fresh green leafy vegetables, animal organs, beans, egg yolks, fruits, lean meat, peanuts, etc. contain a lot of vitamin E.

Fourth, how to prevent severe hair loss

　　 1. Psychotherapy

　　 First of all, we must have an optimistic and positive attitude to view this phenomenon. A happy mood can make our hair more black and beautiful. On the one hand, hair loss is related to our genes, and a large part of the reason is recent stress. Therefore, no matter what difficulties we encounter, we must have an optimistic and positive attitude.

　　 2. Food therapy

　　① Barley + mung bean + lotus leaf, wash the above three ingredients and cook porridge for consumption, which has a good anti-hair loss effect.

　　②Multi-protein and vitamins, usually eat foods rich in protein, trace elements, vitamins, etc., but also avoid spicy, fried and other irritating foods, as well as refined sugar and flour. These foods are not conducive to the growth of hair.

　　③We boil black sesame and japonica rice together to make porridge and drink. This method requires us to persist in doing it. Black sesame seeds contain a lot of vitamins, which can play a good role in treating drug-induced hair loss and disease hair loss.

　　 Tips: Try to use less irritating foods, spicy and fatty foods, and eat more fresh fruits and vegetables, vegetables, and nuts.

　　3. Massage

　　 You can rub the scalp with both hands in the morning and before going to bed, from the forehead through the top of the head to the pillow for 2 to 4 minutes each time, 30 to 40 times per minute, and then gradually extend to 5 to 10 minutes each time. As long as you stick to it for a long time, you will have black hair after three or four years. Scalp massage has a good effect on promoting blood circulation.

　　 4. Olive oil cures hair loss

　　Olive oil is rich in vitamins B and E. Apply them on the scalp and massage until fully absorbed. Wrap it in a turban or shower cap and wash it off with a neutral shampoo after one hour. This method can prevent hair loss and also prevent dandruff.

　　5. Guaranteed sleep

　　 After studying and working for a day, our heads must be in a state of tension, and enough sleep at night can keep the metabolism of the skin and scalp normal. So I suggest everyone, every night from 10 to 2 o'clock, to ensure sleep during this period, can help reduce the occurrence of hair loss, and keep your hair in good condition.

m 字 はげ つむじ はげ 若 ハゲ 分け目 はげ つむじ はげ 男

[latinuser]

Okay so I’m currently in a bit of a root of depression/insecurity/HELLA QUESTIONING MY SHIT right now, which all added together with the need of a job kind of fucks over the mental state to create stuff and get out of that funk. You just sorta. Binge? Lay there doing nothing, you aren’t super upset at that moment but you don’t feel anything, so you’re watching comedy skits or anime or something to bring yourself to a high point so that you can feel motivated to do anything.

But, while being in this shit hole where the majority of my brain turns to: Nobody supports you, you don’t know what you feel so how dare you even think the way you do/you’re fucking over other people you love/you have it so easy stfu

I decided, LETS TRY AND BE PRODUCTIVE (and vent sorta with the above) and so I’m gonna throw up a bunch of shit I like to do to try and help myself feel better (because I can be happy in a moment but it fades over time with the whole depression until you feel like a void)

So, down below is gonna be just some shit I do to make myself do stuff set into categories of:

Art/Drawing

Writing

and Chores

Key note, this works for me. It may not for others, but if it works for some people then I’m glad to provide a little relief.

If anyone else has other advice/resources add on to this post!!

ART/DRAWING

First thing I suggest is something I’ve been doing for ages before I even recognized I was doing it for my depression.

Find a super old piece of art you did, like two-three years ago, and then re-draw it. For slumps (especially long ones) where Depression just won’t let you think creatively, not having to overthink what you’re drawing is helpful. Having an old piece where the pose/the basic composition of the piece is already decided let’s you just work through everything faster, even if you change the pose slightly/what the character is doing. You know the scene, that’s the important bit.

Once done, look back at the old piece, then what you can do now. You may not be satisfied with where you are, but, you are almost guaranteed to be better than the older piece. 

Second thing is memes. Whether it’s draw your character memes or faces or something, just. Draw them. All of them. It’s a good warm up, and it also let’s you go kind of zen and, again, not have to think creatively.

Third is get paper (physical paper) and pen, crayons, etc... any and all different mediums, and just. Scribble. Not being specific has a bit of freedom in it and lets you get out of a “What tf do I draw, it has to be perfect/anything i do is shit” mindset.

Fourth is similar to the last. If you have a medium you haven’t used in a long time (pen/paper, pencil/paper, colored pencils, marker, etc...) pick it up again. Usually making yourself work with something you aren’t used to/haven’t done in a long time lets you see the other skills you’ve progressed and feels good at the time, lets you move forward a bit easier.

Fifth, drink something hydrating. Water, tea, etc... just something that isn’t soda or energy drinks. This is more so just an “in general” statement, but I find I think more clearly when I’m drinking cold water.

WRITING

First thing I like to do is, similar to the first drawing is, read my old writing. Not re-write it, but just. Read it. Read it and pick out all my mistakes and laugh at my grammar or cringy I was. It helps me see where I flubbed out and where I can improve.

Second is pencil/paper write it out. Write out some of your story beats, how it works, etc... Hell, if you have a whiteboard thats even better! This way you can get a far away look at everything. (Also there’s just something to me about writing on paper?? Idk, it’s nice)

Third is eat/drink something. Yeah, same as the fifth one for drawing but this is!!! SUPER!!! IMPORTANT!!!!!! Sometimes you dont realize the reason your head is foggy/your “muse” or your mojo isn’t working is cuz “I haven’t eaten in like 9+ hours and holy shit is that the time?” So just. Get some water, get some fruit/peanuts/something small at your desk and snack while you write.

Fourth is turning all your text white in whatever document. This is more so if you just get stuck at a specific part for me, but it can work for this too. Turning your text white makes you have to ignore your mistakes / what you wrote prior and just keep moving forward, cuz you backspace once and who tf knows what’s going on.

CHORES

Chores are monotonous things that, when you have 0 energy and can’t see a point in doing anything, kind of get pushed to the side. Especially in comparison to the creative things (like writing/drawing) that get pushed to the side because “I can not do that” but!! Here’s a few things I do right before starting them to keep me going.

First thing is white noise.

No. Really. Just. Put something on in the background and have that playing while you drag your butt around the house. This won’t work all the time (like all of these won’t work all of the time) but I find it’s helpful.

Second, family help. So this one is, again, not for everybody and definitely not gonna work if you don’t have someone around who’s willing to take your phone/tablet/random device away from you, but. If you do. Ask your sibling/parent/friend to take your phone away from you after (x) amount of time (i usually say 20 minutes cuz that gets me through one YT episode) and then to take it and hide it (still playing, mind you) and hide it somewhere.

Not too hard, but def. somewhere I gotta go and search. Makes me get up, makes me have to go to whatever other room it is, and means I’m much more likely to keep moving.

Third is, honest to god, showering. Just. Do it?? I dunno what it is about showering, and I don’t care if it’s 9AM, Noon, or 11PM, take a shower. Showers can help you wake up or wind down and, generally, the water will ease you and make you relax more. Plus, as said with above, once you start moving, you keep going. Even if you don’t quite understand why.

Fourth is binging while you work. I usually carry my phone around with me, YT or a Podcast blasting in my pocket and just walk around and do my chores kind of numbly in these moods. It’s not the easiest and I do get 100% distracted/just don’t want to keep going. But it helps me, similarly to white noise.

Fifth, can anybody guess what this is?

That’s right. Drink/Eat stuff. AND AGAIN, make sure it isn’t just junk food or soda/carbonated drinks. Again, fruit, peanuts, just something?? Is better than nothing.

Anyway there are some of my things. Hope this helped some people?? As a final “THIS IS WHAT I LOOK AT” I’ll put down some pretty sappy/funny stuff I like to watch in this mood to give me more positive ... mess of something in my stomach while I work.

Lucahjin

Masaenala

Chuggaconroy

TheRunawayGuys

Ponder Sprocket

TheZodiacLord

TheOdd1sOut

Jaiden Animations

[orbemnews]

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Within the Nineteen Sixties, concertgoers on the rock promoter Invoice Graham’s Fillmore theaters in New York and San Francisco have been greeted with barrels providing free apples.In Trippy Occasions, Invoice Graham Took Care of Actuality 12. For many years after the delivery of contemporary pictures in 1839, one of the frequent makes use of of the know-how was a professionally shot {photograph} of a lifeless member of the family.The iPhone on the Deathbed 13. The Scott Paper Firm was the primary firm to introduce rest room paper with cardboard rolls, again in 1890.My Tireless Quest for a Tubeless Wipe 14. Fearing they’d face a scarcity of wooden for coffins after the primary aerial assault on London in World Battle II, officers within the British Residence Workplace believed they must bury 1000’s of individuals in cardboard and even papier-mâché.How Churchill Introduced Britain Again From the Brink 15. In accordance with a 2008 research by the US Institute of Peace, almost 90 p.c of ladies in Afghanistan will expertise some type of home abuse of their lifetime.They Killed Their Husbands. Now in Jail, They Really feel Free. March 16. At one live performance in Vienna in 1808, his final public look as a pianist, Beethoven unveiled the Fifth Symphony, the “Pastoral” Sixth, the Fourth Piano Concerto and “Choral Fantasy.”Overview: Beethoven’s Greatest Live performance, Now With Warmth 17. One research, revealed in Nature Local weather Change in March, discovered that greater than half of the world’s sandy seashores might disappear by the tip of this century.The Authentic Lengthy Islanders Struggle to Save Their Land From a Rising Sea 18. 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In the event that they have been a rustic, cows would rank because the world’s sixth-largest emitter of methane gasoline, forward of Brazil, Japan and Germany.The Enterprise of Burps: Scientists Odor Revenue in Cow Emissions 32. Disney’s eight film studios managed 40 p.c of the home field workplace in 2018.For Walt Disney Co., a Stricken Empire 33. In Could, Elon Musk and his girlfriend, Claire Boucher, the musician generally known as Grimes, had a toddler and named him X Æ A-12.Tesla Homeowners Attempt to Make Sense of Elon Musk’s ‘Purple Capsule’ Second 34. Richard Scherrer, the engineer listed first on the patent for Lockheed’s F-117 stealth plane, had moonlighted within the Nineteen Fifties to design a number of the rides at Disneyland, together with Dumbo the Flying Elephant.Taking a look at Battle Throughout 2,500 Years 35. Fungi could be skilled to eat cigarette butts, used diapers, oil spills and even radiation.Whether or not You’re Making a Meal or Cleansing an Oil Spill, There’s a Fungus for That 36. In March, because the coronavirus pandemic intensified, Individuals purchased two million weapons, the busiest month for gross sales since January 2013.Father of Faculty Taking pictures Sufferer Takes On Smith & Wesson June 37. There could also be trillions of species of virus on this planet. Of them, just a few hundred thousand sorts are recognized, and fewer than 7,000 have names.Monster or Machine? A Profile of the Coronavirus at 6 Months 38. Brooks Brothers, which Henry Sands Brooks based in Manhattan in 1818, is the oldest attire model in steady operation in the US.Brooks Bros., ‘Made in America’ Since 1818, Could Quickly Want a New Calling Card 39. 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The self-storage trade acquired its begin within the Nineteen Sixties, when swelling consumerism led Individuals to purchase extra stuff than that they had room for.Individuals Hunker Down, Threatening the Self-Storage Trade 49. At 17, Lucille Ball left her upstate New York highschool for Broadway, solely to be instructed: “You simply don’t have it. Why don’t you go house?”The ‘Wildcat’ Episode, or, Did Broadway Love Lucy? 50. Bayes’s theorem is a tool for rationally updating your prior beliefs and uncertainties primarily based on noticed proof.Find out how to Assume Like an Epidemiologist August 51. After getting swallowed by a frog, the beetle Regimbartia attenuata can scuttle down the amphibian’s intestine and drive it to poop, rising dirty however alive.There Are Two Methods Out of a Frog. This Beetle Selected the Again Door. 52. Penicillin, which was found in 1928, would have vanquished the pneumonia that killed many individuals throughout the 1918 influenza pandemic.In N.Y.C.’s Coronavirus Surge, a Horrifying Echo of the 1918 Flu 53. The fist bump was seemingly popularized by Fred Carter, a high-energy N.B.A. participant of the Nineteen Seventies.Will We Ever Contact (Professionally) Once more? September 54. Earlier than taking what would grow to be a well-known {photograph} of Florence Owens Thompson generally known as “Migrant Mom” in 1936, Dorothea Lange drove 20 miles previous the camp the place Ms. Thompson was staying earlier than deciding to show round.America at Starvation’s Edge 55. The seashores of Svalbard, a Norwegian archipelago, are coated with “blubberstones” — gravel mingled with rendered fats, vestiges of the mass killings of seals and whales.Grief and Geology Each Take Time in ‘The E-book of Unconformities’ 56. Martha Stewart, who has a line of CBD merchandise, together with pâte de fruit, was launched to the palliative results of hashish by Snoop Dogg, a good friend, at Comedy Central’s 2015 “Roast of Justin Bieber.”Martha Stewart, Blissed Out on CBD, Rides Out the Pandemic 57. In the US, jail life sentences have quadrupled for the reason that Eighties.Making Artwork When ‘Lockdown’ Means Jail 68. Sports activities groups first visited the White Home in 1865, when President Andrew Johnson welcomed baseball’s Washington Nationals and Brooklyn Atlantics.Even With a New President, Sports activities on the White Home Gained’t Be the Similar 69. As soon as uncommon off Southern California seashores, nice white sharks are starting to point out up extra usually. The newcomers are principally juvenile sharks, which favor the nice and cozy waters nearer to shore.When Sharks Turned Up at Their Seaside, They Known as in Drones December 70. Many tales have been instructed through the years in regards to the inspiration for the tune “Lola” by the Kinks. The group’s singer, Ray Davies, mentioned it got here from an encounter on the Castille Membership, a Paris nightspot the group frequented.Ray Davies on 50 Years of ‘Lola’ 71. Underground, timber and fungi type partnerships generally known as mycorrhizas: Threadlike fungi envelop and fuse with tree roots, serving to them extract water and vitamins in trade for a number of the carbon-rich sugars the timber make by means of photosynthesis.The Social Lifetime of Forests 72. The Olympic monitor star Rafer Johnson was an everyday in Robert F. Kennedy’s presidential marketing campaign entourage in 1968. Johnson helped to deal with Sirhan Sirhan after the murderer shot Kennedy on the Ambassador Resort in Los Angeles.Remembering Rafer Johnson in a Lengthy 12 months of Misplaced Sports activities Legends Supply hyperlink #Facts

[kedreeva]

[Video description/transcript below the cut because it's long]

There is a white storage bin lip laid on top of a short, overturned grey plastic bin just inside and to the right of the doorway of a large, indoor peafowl coop. There is straw on the ground, and a person (me!) wearing jeans can be seen only from the knees down from where they are sitting on an overturned, red 5-gallon bucket.

On the white lid there are 10 buttons in 4 rows, oriented to face into the pen rather than the camera or the person. On the top row center there is a black hexagon. The second row has a 1x4 board, atop which sits a small blue and white button with the word "Eris" written on it. The third row has 3 hexagon buttons. The closest button to the camera is green and labeled "Kale" the middle button is white and labeled "want" and the farthest is yellow and labeled "nugget." The bottom row has 5 buttons. The closest to the camera is a round, orange button labeled "No," the second button is a red hexagon labeled "Peanut," the middle button is a round, pink button labeled "treat," the fourth button is a blue hexagon labeled "Roach," and the last button is a round, green button labeled "Yes." The camera is stable and will not change positions through the video.

The video begins:

Me: (snapping my fingers to get the attention of Eris offscreen) Leave it alone. (I lean down and press the buttons, which speak pre-recorded words aloud. As I press the first one, a purple-morph female peafowl comes over from offscreen and watches what I am doing with her face very close to my hands)

Buttons: Eris. Want. Roach.

Eris: (taps the blue "roach" button immediately after I do. I say the button's word, since Eris cannot apply enough pressure to the buttons to set them off. This will be true the entire video, so anything Eris "says" is me speaking the word on the button she pressed) Roach. (she pauses to look at the camera, her neck feather fluffing in alarm, and then presses more buttons) Nugget. Nugget. Roach.

Me: Which one?

Eris: Roach. Roach. Yes.

Me: Okay. (off/above camera I retrieve a dubia roach treat and Eris walks over to me to get it. She sets it on the ground to eat.)

Eris: (returns to the buttons,) Roach. Roach. (she tries to scratch at the buttons with her feet, but is blocked by the frankly clever addition of the overturned grey bin). Roach. ROACH.

Me: (reaching down to model pressing the buttons) Want. Roach?

Eris: (immediately after I press the blue button) Roach.

Me: Yes or no?

Eris: (looks at the "Eris" button first, and then) Roach. Roach. (she looks up at me, and then comes over to receive a roach, which she eats)

Me: (using buttons) Eris. Want. Roach (she pressed the blue button right after me). Yes.

Eris: (looking at me for treat)

Me: Want roach?

Eris: (pauses, and then goes to the board) Nugget. Nugget. Roach. Roach. Roach. Nugget. Nugget. (she comes to me for a treat, and I give her a nugget, which she drops and we both look for in the straw)

Me: Where'd it go? (I give up and give her a second nugget instead, which she eats).

Eris: Yes. (she proceeds to press the roach button repeatedly, more times than I say the word for her). Roachroachroachroachroachroachroachroachroachroach

Me: (tapping buttons but not activating them) Want. (she taps the want button after me) Roach. (she taps the button after me, and then looks for a treat. I reach to press buttons again, actually activating them this time) Eris. Want. Roach. (she presses the blue roach button after me, and looks for a treat) Yes or no?

Eris: Yes. (she receives and eats a roach, and then returns to the board) Roach. Roach. Roach. Roach. Nugget. Want. Want. (she comes over to me and receives a nugget treat, which she eats, and then returns to the board) Yes. (she comes back over to me and backs up when I reach down)

Me: (reaches down to board to press and activate buttons) Want. Roach. (just speaking) Yes or no?

Eris: (steps closer to me)

Me: Use your buttons.

Eris: (returns to the button board)

Me: Yes or no?

Eris: (looks at the button board, then around the pen, and at the camera, and then at me)

Me: Want roach?

Eris: Yes.

Me: (Gives Eris a roach, which she eats, and then when she comes to me again) You're such a good bird. (quieter) you're such a good bird. Very good bird. (we interact only partially on camera for a few seconds and then I speak) What do you want?

Eris: (returns to the board) Yes. .... yes yesyes. Roach. Roach. (she returns to me and receives a roach, which she eats, and then returns to the board) Roach. Roach. (pause) Nugget. Nugget. Roach roach.

Me: Which one?

Eris: Treat. Want. Want.

Me: (laughing) Okay. ({I can tell she is getting frustrated by her body language and soft vocalizations, so semi-offscreen I start the process of cleaning up to end the session} I give her a roach, which she eats. While she is eating, Lazuli, a young purple blackshoulder peacock, appears from offscreen and inspects the floor and the buttons). I'm gonna give 2 to your brother. (softly) actually that's not a bad idea. (in the background, quail start making noise and Stan the peacock calls from outside while I fiddle with something offscreen) (VERY softly, when she grabs for something) It's not for you. I mean it is for you, but give me a minute. .... New button. New button? You're figuring out "want" pretty quick. (there is a long pause, during which Lazuli comes over to see what I'm doing too. There is a loud beep.) Lazuli (there are 2 loud beeps and then a recording repeats) Lazuli. Lazuli. (I lean down to place the "Lazuli" button on the wooden board, on the side closest to the camera, and then adjust the "Eris" button to be on the opposite end)

Eris: Nugget. Nugget {note: I did not vocalize these presses because I didn't see which button she pressed}

Me: (gives Eris the second-to-last roach, which she eats) oh, you're going to hate this. ( lean over and press) Lazuli. Roach. (I hand the last roach to Lazuli, who takes it and turns away so Eris can't steal it.

Eris: (Attemps to steal the roach anyway, but is unsuccessful. She turns to the buttons and begins pressing them very hard and at random and trying to dislodge them from the board) Kale. KALE. ROACH ROACH. NUGGET.

Me: (and she comes partway over to me again) You're just pressing buttons 'cause you're mad, now.

Eris: Yes.

Me: (laughing)

End video]

I used the camera tripod that Sark got me to film a full session with Eris. I cut this before she started arguing with me about roaches being all done.

For reference, the “want” button (white) and the “all done” button (black) and the “eris” button (the small one on the board) are all brand new, which is why I am modeling them for her. “Kale” is a button she HAS but not one I have actually taught her yet.

She likes nugget treats and roaches the best so far out of the treats I commonly have available, and sometimes doesn’t care which. Usually if she presses both and I ask her “which one” she will just press one, and you can see that on here- I ask which one and she presses “roach, yes.” This session was interesting because she pressed both “nugget” and “roach,” and when I asked her which one, she pressed “treat want” instead. She also threw a little hissy fit when I gave her brother a roach at the end (because he was VERY well behaved the entire session and left us alone and deserved a roach).

[sapphiraice]

1-100!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! tell me everything >;3c

/dies

Under the cut because 100 is a lot.

1. What is your middle name? Rose. I was named for my maternal grandma.

2. How old are you? 20. I keep wanting to say 21 because of how close my birthday is lol

3. When is your birthday? September 25th

4. What is your zodiac sign? Libra

5. What is your favorite color? sapphire blue (or blues in general)

6. What’s your lucky number? 13? My favorite number’s four, so I guess four.

7. Do you have any pets? A male dog named Teddy.

8. Where are you from? North Dakota, in the USA :3

9. How tall are you? 5′6″

10. What shoe size are you? 9 wide, although most shoe stores don’t carry wide, so I wear 9 ½.

11. How many pairs of shoes do you own? 5, but I’m thinking of getting rid of a couple.

12. What was your last dream about? I dreamed that my family was having a reunion and everyone was telling me that I don’t matter and my problems were nothing and I haven’t been through anything that should qualify me for the various issues that I have. They all sat around a table eating food and I had to sit on the floor next to the table and cry. Coincidentally, I woke up crying.

13. What talents do you have? Being a consistent failure. I pick up animal body language very quickly. I tend to learn most things fairly quickly.

14. Are you psychic in any way? My mom thinks I am because it makes her feel good about herself for having made me. When I was little I did a tarot card reading that predicted my mom’s various financial statuses and my cousin getting an abusive boyfriend, I suppose.

15. Favorite song? I usually can’t decide these things, as they’re very ‘in-the-moment’. I like the songs from Three Days Grace from before they changed lead singers pretty consistently.

16. Favorite movie? Kiki’s Delivery Service. I will never not want to see that movie.

17. Who would be your ideal partner? Like someone I know? Not sure. For qualities, I could try to name a few, but I’ll just go with someone who is willing to work through my paranoia until I realize that they actually do care about me and I don’t have to maintain some kind of air of perfection to avoid abandonment.

18. Do you want children? No. Never.

19. Do you want a church wedding? Depends who I’m getting married to.

20. Are you religious? I was raised Lutheran, and would like to find a church eventually if possible.

21. Have you ever been to the hospital? Aside from regular checkups, I’ve been there for two surgeries, an allergy test, and the emergency room for my foot.

22. Have you ever gotten in trouble with the law? Not exactly. My aunt let me borrow her car, and a policeman pulled up to me in the college parking lot to inform me that the tags were seven years out of date, the car insurance/title was different than the license plate, and the license plate itself was the wrong one (which is a pretty bad felony). I explained my situation and instead of arresting me he believed me (thank goodness) and told me to just not drive the car anymore.

23. Have you ever met any celebrities? No, but my mom cleaned a set for a film featuring Shia LaBeouf. Close enough for me.

24. Baths or showers? Showers. Having to lay in my own dirty bath water makes me feel like I didn’t actually get clean.

25. What color socks are you wearing? Dark gray knee-highs with 3 white stripes at the top.

26. Have you ever been famous? Depends on the scale of fame. In my school I was generally well known for being intelligent, in my county I had a brief moment of fame for making it to the state Spelling Bee, etc.

27. Would you like to be a big celebrity? No.

28. What type of music do you like? I’m not picky. I have a soft spot for musical soundtracks, rock/metal, and classical instrument covers of various genres.

29. Have you ever been skinny dipping? No but I want to.

30. How many pillows do you sleep with? Two and a bunch of stuffed animals.

31. What position do you usually sleep in? On my back or sides. Occasionally my legs & arms will take on various awkward-looking positions.

32. How big is your house? I currently live in a one-bedroom, one-bathroom apartment.

33. What do you typically have for breakfast? Nothing, or toast with peanut butter and honey.

34. Have you ever fired a gun? Multiple guns, multiple times.

35. Have you ever tried archery? My bow and arrows are in the closet.

36. Favorite clean word? Defenestration.

37. Favorite swear word? I typically don’t swear. Maybe silly variations on traditional swears? Like mcfuckin

38. What’s the longest you’ve ever gone without sleep? Close to 48 hours.

39. Do you have any scars? I have 4 scars.

40. Have you ever had a secret admirer? If I have, they’re still very much a secret.

41. Are you a good liar? Yes, but it takes effort that I’m not willing to make.

42. Are you a good judge of character? I can be, but I’m not infallible.

43. Can you do any other accents than your own? No.

44. Do you have a strong accent? Not particularly, although people from other areas can probably pick up on it.

45. What is your favorite accent? *ahem* South Korean. >.> followed closely by Irish, although I don’t recall the exact dialect.

46. What is your personality type? If you mean MBTI, I’m most likely an INXP (I waffle between the T and F pretty frequently).

47. What is your most expensive piece of clothing? I don’t do expensive, but I have an old prom dress that I never wear that technically qualifies.

48. Can you curl your tongue? No.

49. Are you an innie or an outie? innie

50. Left or right handed? right

51. Are you scared of spiders? No but they have startled me on occasion.

52. Favorite food? Blueberries and pumpkin (and all their variants).

53. Favorite foreign food? I’m only counting foreign food as what I’ve eaten in foreign countries. I don’t know what it’s called, but in Greece I had this awesome hotdish/lasagna-type thing. I had gotten the non-vegetarian version, and I was able to try the vegetarian version, and they were both great!

54. Are you a clean or messy person? messy 100%

55. Most used phrase? “at this point”, or some other phrase that’s more of a local colloquialism (I asked my sister and she said “owo”)

56. Most used word? It’s probably “hecc” at this point. *stares* (omg I didn’t even realized I said ‘at this point’ lol)

57. How long does it take for you to get ready? 15 minutes to an hour and a half

58. Do you have much of an ego? No.

59. Do you suck or bite lollipops? No matter how hard I try to just suck, I always end up biting them.

60. Do you talk to yourself? Yeah.

61. Do you sing to yourself? I used to.

62. Are you a good singer? My voice is too weak for me to carry a tune consistently.

63. Biggest fear? Abandonment or failure

64. Are you a gossip? I’ll listen but I won’t participate unless I have a reasonable explanation to add.

65. Best dramatic movie you’ve seen? I don’t remember any dramas I may have watched.

66. Do you like long or short hair? I like the ways I can style long hair.

67. Can you name all 50 states of America? Given enough time and motivation.

68. Favorite school subject? Science

69. Extrovert or introvert? Introvert

70. Have you ever been scuba diving? No but I want to.

71. What makes you nervous? Social situations, mostly

72. Are you scared of the dark? I’m not afraid of the dark, but only what it could be hiding.

73. Do you correct people when they make a mistake? I used to do that a lot, but now it’s a bit rarer or I’ll do it in a joking way.

74. Are you ticklish? No one has found my ticklish spots.

75. Have you ever started a rumor? No.

76. Have you ever been in a position of authority? Junior high class vice president.

77. Have you ever drank underage? I’ve sipped beer (nasty), champagne, a white wine, and maybe a few other things.

78. Have you ever done drugs? No and I don’t want to.

79. Who was your first real crush? A boy in the same high school grade as me.

80. How many piercings do you have? Two; one on each ear lobe

81. Can you roll your Rs? No. It makes speaking Spanish difficult.

82. How fast can you type? I’m inconsistent so it varies from 65-75 wpm.

83. How fast can you run? Average to below average speed, maybe.

84. What color is your hair? Used to be blue. It’s a dark blonde now.

85. What color are your eyes? Blue, although they’ve been known to change shades or look gray or green.

86. What are you allergic to? All deciduous trees/pollen, all non-fruit-bearing plants, all non-fruit-bearing bushes, horses, cows, maybe some other farm animals, cats, pollen, dust, hay fever, ceclor/cefaclor.

87. Do you keep a journal? I used to. I still have it, and plan to start it up again soon.

88. What do your parents do? My dad is dead, my mom runs a cleaning business.

89. Do you like your age? Sure? I don’t dislike it.

90. What makes you angry? Anything/anyone who is/has threatened people I care about. People who abuse animals.

91. Do you like your own name? Yep

92. Have you already thought of baby names, and if so what are they? No.

93. Do you want a boy or a girl for a child? No.

94. What are your strengths? Do I have any? I can’t think of any right now.

95. What are your weaknesses? My fear of abandonment makes me a jealous person. I have crippling insecurity. I can’t resist sugary foods. I lose motivation quickly. I’m indecisive. etc

96. How did you get your name? My mom came across it and was pretty much like “Oh, that’s cool. If I give birth to a daughter I’ll name her this.”

97. Were your ancestors royalty? I read that at least 70% of the American population containing West European DNA is related to one of the kings of England, so probably.

98. Do you have any scars? This is a repeat question, so I’ll say their locations. One’s on my left shin, another’s on the back of my left hand, a third’s on my left wrist, and the fourth’s on my left thumb. While inspecting my left thumb I found a fifth scar that I forgot to mention, so there’s also that. :/

99. Color of your bedspread? Blue

100. Color of your room? White (boring, but it is an apartment)

[organicdietguide]

Kids and Their Bones | Help Your Child Build Healthy Bones

What Builds Healthy Bones?

Many nutrients work in concert to provide the framework for healthy bones. Calcium lies at the forefront, but vitamin D, magnesium, vitamin K and regular physical activity also are important.

Calcium Aim for a good calcium source in each meal and snack. Milk, cheese, and yogurt are the richest natural sources of calcium.

For instance, one 8-ounce glass of milk provides 300 milligrams of calcium, or about one-fourth to one-third of the recommended daily intake.

Other non-dairy food sources include almonds, broccoli, kale, turnip greens, figs, and tofu prepared with calcium.

Breastfeeding super foods

Some foods and beverages are fortified with calcium, including certain juices, cereals, and plant-based beverages.

Vitamin D Sun exposure triggers vitamin D production, but this can vary greatly with skin pigmentation, season, and geography. If you live in the northern United States.

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there is a good chance you won’t get enough sun exposure in winter for adequate vitamin D production.

Also, sunlight exposure increases the risk of skin cancer and sunscreen blocks vitamin D production.

There are just a few natural food sources of vitamin D, including egg yolks and fatty fish such as salmon and tuna.

You can find vitamin D in fortified sources such as orange juice, milk, and some non-dairy beverages. Talk with your pediatrician about giving kids vitamin D supplements to reach the recommended 600 IU per day.

Best Diets Weight loss Diet plans

Magnesium Look for sources of this mineral in foods such as almonds, spinach, black beans, oats, peanut butter, avocado, and potato.

Vitamin K Leafy green vegetables, such as kale, turnip greens, cabbage, spinach, and broccoli, are rich in vitamin K.

A small amount of vitamin K is made from bacteria in the colon but it’s unclear how much our bodies are able to produce and use, so it’s important to include food sources.

Physical Activity Regular weight-bearing exercise stimulates bones and makes them stronger. Try activities such as running, hiking, dancing, tennis, gymnastics, basketball, volleyball, soccer, and weight training to build bones.

While swimming and bicycling are great for cardiovascular health, they are not weight-bearing. If these are your child’s preferred sports, encourage them to do weight-bearing activities, too.

Lifestyle Changes to Improve Your Cholesterol

Diet and nutrition impacts bone health Encourage fruits and vegetables, especially green leafy vegetables, beans, and soy.

Discourage soda pop; the phosphates contained in soda may decrease calcium absorption in the bone.

Make sure your child has the recommended daily allowance of essential bone health nutrients, such as calcium, vitamin D, and vitamin C.

Monitor weight gain. Obesity is a growing problem in America’s youth. Be a role model for healthy eating habits.

Serve the age-appropriate meal and snack portions.

Avoid junk food, fast food, and highly processed foods, sweetened juices, and sports drinks and candy.

Choose a fun activity to do together instead of using food treats as a reward for good behavior.

Be active to improve bone density

Encourage regular physical activity, at least 60 minutes per day. This can be casual, recreational, and informal, but should raise the heart rate and cause sweating.

Decrease TV and computer time. Set specific time limits on daily participation in sedentary activities.

Some sun exposure early or late in the day without sunscreen may be healthy.

The body absorbs vitamin D through sunlight, and this key vitamin helps with the absorption of calcium. Maintain a balance; overexposure to sunlight is a risk for skin cancer, skin damage, and wrinkling.

Participate in regular weight-bearing, a high-impact activity that loads the bones.

The “riding sports” (skateboarding, scooters, bicycles) are very popular these days but do not promote healthy bone impact.

Healthy Diet Plant-Based Diet

Kids and Their Bones | Help Your Child Build Healthy Bones

Impact activity includes running, jumping, hopping, skipping, cutting, and weightlifting. Movements should be forceful, fast, changing in direction, and progressively more skilled.

Set up an obstacle course The following is a fun high-impact obstacle course you can set up and do with your child to help build bone strength. As they improve, add more challenges by using a timer or increasing repetitions.

Single leg hops to the side: Hop on the right leg to the right 3 times. Hop on the left leg to the left 3 times.

Double leg hop: Jump forward with two feet together. Older children can hop over cushions or cones, while younger children can hop over coins or stickers.

Drop hop: Stand on the bottom stair of a staircase or on a step-stool or firm box. Jump down with two feet shoulder-width apart, landing with knees pointing straight ahead.

Frog leap: Kneel down into a crouched position and leap upwards. Land with both feet facing forward, knees straight ahead in the same crouched position.

To help build healthy bones Eat Lots of Vegetable Vegetables are great for your bones.

Perform Strength Training and Weight-Bearing Exercises.

Eat High- Protein and Calcium Foods Throughout the Day.

Here are some calcium-rich foods to try incorporating into your child’s diet:

Low-fat and non-fat milk, yogurt and cheese.

Canned sardines and salmon (with bones).

Collard greens, turnip greens, kale, okra, Chinese cabbage, dandelion greens, mustard greens and broccoli.

Vitamin D:

Make sure your child receives the recommended amount of vitamin D. Vitamin D helps ensure the body absorbs and retains calcium and phosphorus, both critical for building bone.

Sources of vitamin D:

Oily fish, beef liver, cheese, egg yolks, and some mushrooms, Foods fortified with vitamin D such as milk, cereal, orange juice, yogurt, and margarine, Sunlight, Your skin makes vitamin D from the ultraviolet light (UVB rays) in sunlight.

Develop healthy eating habits Healthy habits start in childhood, and getting enough calcium and vitamin D.

your kids can develop a taste for leafy green vegetables, nuts like almonds, and water or milk to drink. Replace soft drinks with calcium-rich dairy drinks.

If your child dislikes dairy products or is lactose-intolerant, consider almond milk or fortified orange juice.

Belly Fat in Women

It’s also important that your child eats enough calories, especially if he or she is an athlete.

Get active Research shows that high-impact exercise, such as jumping, is the most powerful way to build bones and muscle. But it also has the highest risk of injury so be careful.

Limit screen time Phones, computers, TVs, video games.

Prevention begins in childhood

It is important to promote bone health at all ages

Childhood and young adulthood are the bone-building years

As children grow, their bone mass increases until it reaches what is called peak bone mass (“PBM”).

PBM is the greatest amount of bone an individual can attain

PBM is reached in the late teens and early ’20s

Children and adolescents who have higher PBM reduce their risk of osteoporosis later in life

What can I do to help my child and teen build and protect their bones?

Provide a well-balanced diet including calcium-rich foods such as milk, yogurt, green leafy vegetables, and calcium-fortified foods

The Real Mom’s Guide

Be sure your child gets the right amount of vitamin D

Be sure your child is physically active – Children and teens need to be active every day and get at least 60 minutes of moderate exercise

If you observe your child or teen exercising or dieting to excess, speak to them and your healthcare provider

Stress the importance of healthy lifestyle choices including avoiding smoking and avoiding underage alcohol consumption since they are harmful to bones

Teach about the importance of wearing a seatbelt and using protective equipment for sports such as a helmet, and knee pads to protect bones

Speak to your child’s healthcare provider about their bone health

Kids and Their Bones | Help Your Child Build Healthy Bones

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