#thinking of a specific place i went to only once. it was a chill lesbian bar with karaoke

[freedominthedarkmp3]

I SHPULD BE AT THE LESBIAN KARAOKE BAR. WHY AM I NOT AT THE LESBIAN KARAOKE BAR!!! AHHHHHHH

[noelwho]

Ultimate Chronological Order Imodna Playlist!!!

Hello! I feel like I have to introduce myself ‘cause I’m barely on Tumblr. I’m still learning how to use it, I posted a couple of fanarts and they went really well, so I want to try and make myself a spot in here. My name is Noel (they/them) and I’m a big fan of Critical Role. I started watching a few months ago, with Exandria Unlimited. Once I was done I went ahead and started Campaign 3. I’m currently on episode 49 (I know, I have a lot ahead yet). I also watched the first season of Candela Obscura and a couple of One-Shots.

Today I’m here to talk about the Lesbian Southern Gothic Witches. Earlier this week I started to obsess over a playlist. An Imodna playlist, to be more specific. It started with me listening to one I found on spotify (I will credit below because it’s been a huge inspiration for this project) and I got the urge to make my own. At the beginning it was something chill, something normal…until it was not. Over the course of the last 3 days I haven’t thought about or listened to anything else. I got the idea of making the playlist in chronological order and I started to take it very seriously. I divided their history in 10 different chapters and assigned each song to the correct time period. At first it was just gonna be into chapters, but then I started to put them in order inside the chapters too, and it became very personal. For real, this playlist has been the one and only thing I wanted to talk about for days. Last night I finally finished it. I’ve played it for run tests several times and I think it’s finally ready to see the light (kinda feels like the project of my life even though I only spent a few days working on it).

After all this brainrot it didn’t feel right to just tweet a link to the playlist, I wanted the world to know everything that went through my head in the process of making this. I also don’t have many people around who care about Critical Role, and I thought it was a good opportunity to connect with the fandom. So all of this took me here, to tumblr. All of a sudden it became very clear that this was the perfect place to set my baby free.

There’s some things I wanna make clear before you start reading, the first being the classic: english is not my first language. Sounds like a joke at this point but for real, it’s very likely that this thing is full of grammatical mistakes and I want to apologize in advance (specially about the in/on/at situation, I’ve been having lots of trouble with those for some reason) This is also the first time I do something like this so it may not be perfect. The second thing is that this will obviously be filled with spoilers. In fact I actually haven’t even got to The Scene, I saw it around on Tumblr and Twitter (impossible to avoid that spoiler, but I don’t really care). I’m aware that there’s a lot of Imodna moments that I haven’t seen yet, but I couldn't wait to start this playlist. I don’t know if the episodes I have left to watch will translate into new chapters or into new songs for the chapters I already have but either way, I will keep this post and the playlist updated.

With that being said, welcome to this ride through an unhinged mind. Fasten your seatbelts and enjoy!

The tether scene is one of my favorite ones. I love that metaphor with a passion. That’s why I chose this name for the playlist. With the photo I wanted to make an allusion to the red thread myth given that Laudna herself carries around a spool of red string. I even edited the picture so the hands on the right are slightly gray like Laudna’s.

There’s not just one specific vibe to this playlist, but I find it to be a very calming one, with the exception of some specific moments that we will talk about later. I tried to avoid strong and distracting beats so I could keep it a little ethereal. Lots of acoustic guitar (which I love). I’m not going to talk about every single song because some of them have pretty obvious meanings. Usually the songs aren't a 100% match, but they do have a part to it that speaks to me and to the story on a certain level.

× Imogen and Laudna’s separate lifes ×

At the beginning of the journey that is this playlist, I wanted to introduce the characters. Intertwining their songs, we get to know Imogen and Laudna’s pasts, before they have each other to face the terrors of being witches in a world that doesn’t quite understand them.

Delilah - Florence + The Machine (Laudna)

I sometimes wonder if Marisha has ever listened to this song, because oh my fucking god. I wanted to start the playlist with Abbey, I didn’t because with the intertwining I couldn’t make it fit, but this one is a very good start as well. This song shows perfectly how it must have been being brought back by Delilah and having that power all of a sudden.

Abbey - Mitski (Imogen)

Matilda - Harry Styles (Laudna)

Imogen - Nick Mulvey (Imogen)

Laudna's lullaby - Ginny Di (Laudna)

Time comes in roses - Bess Atwell (Imogen)

The Tradition - Halsey (Laudna)

Burn it down - Daughter (Imogen)

There’s several songs from this album on this playlist. It couldn’t fit better. It reflects perfectly the moment Imogen started to develop her powers. It even refers directly to the way she parts ways with her town (which doesn’t happen for a few chapters but still I felt this one belonged here). Her fear of being a disappointment, her father becoming absent, the feeling of being cursed. It’s all here.

The hanging tree - The hunger games (Laudna)

Still I wait - Anna Leone (Both)

Even with everything they had to go through, they both still wait and cling to hope.

× Imogen and Laudna meet ×

Finally, their paths cross. They experience the feeling of warmth for the first time in a long time. They both feel the need to keep the other one close and begin to appreciate the little things in life, learning how to be taken care of. Goodbye loneliness.

Season of the Witch - Lana Del Rey

I'd like to walk around in your mind - Vashti Bunyan

How important is this song knowing what Imogen can do…

Comfortable Silence - Bella Porter

Without you without them - Boygenius

A hole in the earth - Daughter

That Moon Song - Gregory Alan Isakov

Love brought weight - Old Sea Brigade

That distant shore - Steven Universe

Sick of losing soulmates - Natalie Dawn

I Hear a Symphony - Cody Fry

Sidelines - Phoebe Bridgers

The bug collector - Haley Heyderickx

Sometimes I feel that it’s always Laudna taking care of Imogen, as if she didn't have anything on her own plate. It can't be easy to live with a voice in your head and paranoia. This song shows how Imogen is there to hold Laudna too when it becomes too much.

Look up - Joy Oladokun

If the last one was an Imogen’s POV, this one is totally a Laudna’s POV. Her and her silly little pep talks. “You’re so capable”.

Daylight - Taylor Swift

I love the idea of them learning that life can be good if you find someone to share it with. This song encapsulates that perfectly.

Spell - Dora Jar

I wanted this one to be the last one of the chapter because it introduces the idea of leaving together.

× Imogen and Laudna run away together ×

“Would you run away with me?” They learn what it’s like to have a home that’s not a place, but something entirely new. The past still follows but they’re no longer crushed by it, because they don’t have to sustain it on their own.

Departure - Daughter

Second child, restless child - The Oh Hellos

Just the two of us - Grover Washington, Jr.

I really like to imagine Imodna slice of life scenes when I listen to this song.

Dandelion Wine - Gregory Alan Isakov

Homesick - Dwara, Khotton Palm

Graceland Too - Phoebe Bridgers

When I realized how much of a Laudna's POV this song is, I almost cried.

Telepath - Manchester Orchestra

I really really like Manchester Orchestra, it's one of my favorite bands. I never let go of the chance of spreading them around, and this one is the best song they have. Laudna's POV for sure.

everything i wanted - Billie Eilish

With songs like this one and Intertwined, I wanted to introduce the idea that even though they're definitely better off now that they left the town, that doesn't instantly solve all of their problems. As I said before, the past follows, but they're no longer alone with it.

Savior Complex - Phoebe Bridgers

Intertwined - Dodie

Nothing else matters - Phoebe Bridgers

As long as they're together, nothing else matters.

× You lied ×

Even though I only have a few songs for this precise moment of the story, I thought that it was very important to include their first fight. The gem is broken and Imogen feels betrayed. Laudna is left abandoned and thinks she deserves to be punished for Delilah’s wrongs. We explore jealousy for the first time.

Witches - Daughter

The silence at the end of this instrumental song represents the loneliness that Laudna felt when Imogen left her alone after her incident with Delilah

Landfill - Daughter

There are two possible ways of reading into this one. This is in my opinion a Laudna's POV. She could either be talking to Imogen, expressing her deep rooted desire for a punishment for what she’s done; or to Delilah, alluding to the attachment she has to her own powers (that at least as far as she knows are there because of Briarwood) opposed to the hatred she feels for her and for herself for wanting those powers (this is a theme that they explore later on future chapters)

Are you okay? - Winnetka Bowling League

Afterglow - Taylor Swift

The archer - Taylor Swift

× Laudna’s death ×

Otohan Thull relentlessly kills three members of Bells Hells. A coin is flipped and Laudna is gone, again. What awaits beyond the afterlife? Perhaps a little girl, a monster and a tree.

DVD menu - Phoebe Bridgers

If death’s not exactly DVD menu by Phoebe Bridgers, then someone tell me what’s like because I can’t imagine otherwise. I freaking love how this song connects with Daffodil.

Daffodil - Florence + The Machine

Death with dignity - Sufjan Stevens

Bells in Santa Fe - Halsey

I like to imagine that Laudna didn't appear in Nightmarish Whitestone immediately. Up until this point, she's in a limbo, accepting her own death. Bells in Santa Fe marks the moment she sets foot in that Upside-down kind of world. The constant repetition of “All of this is temporary” is like a mantra for her, the only hope she has of getting through it with her sanity intact is believing that this will also end and she will finally find peace.

Willow Tree March - The paper kiss

Hard times - Ethel Cain

Tether me - Galleaux

With this song and the next one, I wanted to express desperation. We don't get to know in the series how she feels throughout all of this, but I can only imagine how terrifying it must have been. There's a point where anyone would have started begging for help.

Matilda - alt-J

× Imogen’s grief ×

“Is she your favorite?”. Imogen feels deeply guilty for what happened. The possibility of bringing Laudna back is the only thing that’s keeping her from losing it completely. All the regrets, all the words she wishes she said before, all the times she didn’t approached her when she wanted to, come afloat. Grief, disassociation and sorrow.

Words - Storefront Church, Phoebe Bridgers

This song is meant to represent the exact moment of Imogen floating and losing control, with Otohan in her head pushing her to let go.

Goner - Twenty One Pilots

No other song in existence can express better the moment Imogen realize Laudna's gone for good.

Lanterns lit - Son Lux

True Faith - Ashley Johnson

Hurt for me - SYML

Carry you - Novo Amor

My love - Florence + The Machine

Lucky for you - Novo Amor, Gia Margaret

Killer + the sound - Phoebe Bridgers, Noah Gundersen

Should have known better - Sufjan Stevens

Ya'aburnee - Halsey

Show you a body - Haley Heyderickx

Imogen (even Laura) loses hope for a moment during the ritual they do for bringing Laudna back. The end of this song summarize this repeating a lyric over and over (you can clearly see through this playlist how much I love repetition).

× Back together ×

After Bells Hells confront Delilah at the Upside-down-Whitestone of Laudna’s nightmares, Pike manages to bring her back to life. Imogen and her are back hand by hand, and nothing can ever tear them apart again. Here’s where I think something awakes inside them, but they are far from realizing it.

I am the Antichrist to you - Kishi Bashi

Like an angel “fallen from the sky with grace”, Laudna’s back on Imogen’s arms.

Darling - Halsey

This love (Taylor's Version) - Taylor Swift

Now that you're home - Manchester Orchestra

Lose you again - Manchester Orchestra

Halloween - Phoebe Bridgers

But not kiss - Fayer Webster

Like I said, something changes after this. What they’ve been through is not nothing. This song is here to show that something is born deep inside them, on their subconscious far from their reach yet

× Back to Gelvaan ×

Same as with the “You lied” chapter, I felt that this one was important even though I just have one song for it. It just matches perfectly. Imogen and Laudna visit Imogen’s hometown and the place where they met, searching for answers. Old wounds, some closure and an emotionally absent father.

My tears ricochet - Taylor Swift

× Tethered ×

In this chapter the platonic bond is peaking. It takes place right before The Unraveling, giving in to the “Can I kiss you?” phase and becoming romantic. They’ve been through hell and back just to stay together. This is my personal favorite bit of the playlist, everything is extremely intense but not yet explicit.

Tethered - Sleeping at last

I Will - Mitski

Anchor - Alli X

Don't let them see you cry - Manchester Orchestra

Crosses - José González

Quietly - Manchester Orchestra

Francesca - Hozier

Moon song - Phoebe Bridgers

Capital Karma - Manchester Orchestra

Everywhere, everything - Noah Kahan

In a week - Hozier

Monster - King Princess

j's lullaby (darlin' i'd wait for you) - Delaney Bailey

I will follow you into the dark - Miya Folick

I wouldn't ask you - Clairo

× Can I kiss you? ×

Finally, the moment we’ve all been waiting for. The beggining of something new, the next and most logical step of this journey. The platonic becomes romantic and they get to truly explore the feelings they always had, and some novel ones. This is the moment I know less about, but I’ve used my imagination and my own headcanons.

Can I - Genevieve Stokes

I debated a lot whether to put this one at the end of the last chapter or the beginning of this one because I don't know how relevant Laudna's death is up to this point, and there's a huge reference to this in this song. I know for a fact that the Delilah’s plot is not over and things will change, but I couldn't resist the urge to put it in here, given the name of the song and its obvious connection to the chapter.

We'll never have sex - Leith Ross

Wading in Waist-high Water - Fleet Foxes

This is the last time - The National

All my ghosts - Lizzy McAlpine

Prière pour la nuit - Barbara Pravi, November Ultra

Chewing Cotton Wool - The Japanese House

Bandages - Rachel Bobbitt

This is it, this is The Ultimate Chronological Order Imodna Playlist. I don't know if I'm the first one doing this, probably not, I don't know if this has any value to anyone beyond myself, but I had a hell of a lot of fun. If only one person were to read this till the end I would be more than satisfied.

I’ll link here the playlist that started all of this. Massive respect for this person whoever it is, I took lots of the songs from here

Infinite thanks to anyone who gets here or saves my playlist, feel free to respond with any song that you think adds to the story!! Something tells me this isn't the end of my Imodna brainrot so,,,, more things could be on their way (a fanfic, perhaps?).

No idea how to end this so… long live Lesbian Southern Gothic Witches!!!

[idontblushsrry]

Got the Aux hcs||Jujutsu Kaisen

A/N:  These hcs are prolly gonna vary from general artists/genres to general chaos towards the end :D also gonna do some for the kyoto school...eventually. Didn’t incl. Yuuta because he’s not here yet but tbh he prolly listens to MCR or smthng let’s be real. I apologize for Maki’s being so short, I know her fanbase is starving for content and I’m sorry I was unable to provide it this time.

Word Count: 1123

Plot Synopsis: Some dumb music taste headcanons for the tokyo school. ((I only included characters that have appeared in the anime like fully, onscreen w lines not just mentioned, and I also only did the main ppl from the Tokyo school so that’s why there’s no Yuta or Nanami.))

Itadori

First and foremost

The man is a barb (Nicki Minaj fans) and a hottie (Megan thee stallion fans)

No I don’t take criticism

Aside from that, Yuji listens to pop and some rap (mostly megan thee stallion)

His pop taste is also not limited by generation, he definitely listens to artists like Anri and Miki Matsubara

Other artists he listens to are probably; Rihanna, Post Malone(he just does, idk why), Doja Cat, Brittany Spears, Shakira, Kesha, Lizzo, Ariana Grande

Fushiguro

Fushiguro unironically listened to wake me up inside in middle school, again, I do not take criticism

He also listens to artists like Mother Mother

Fushiguro is kinda embarrassed of his music tastes though so he’ll lie about what he’s listening to

“Fushiguro what are you listening to?”

*cue panicked Fushiguro struggling to put his phone away* “N-Nothing why”

Also this man listens to Lady Gaga and probably some Panic at the Disco

But for sure panic at the disco

Also he makes playlist named after his friends and what not

Now one might say aww, how sweet

Which, yes it is, but also, Fushiguro refuses to let anyone know his true music tastes so adaptation is necessary for survival

If Fushiguro has the aux, it’s a good day, he knows everyone’s music tastes and probably already has a playlist tailored specifically to everyone’s taste, there’s never a single song that everyone hates

Kugisaki

She listens to Avril Lavigne and Kesha

Her and Yuuji have pretty similar music tastes (himbo/lesbian solidarity)

She also listens to songs like Jenny(by the studio killers) and Youth(Troye Sivan) and just stares at the ceiling pining

Her playlist reflects this

From pop to pining and then back again

Also she hasn’t stopped streaming Driver’s License(Olivia Rodrigo), her and Yuuji listen to it and every time she just falls out (when it first came out, she got so invested in the drama of it all)

Genres she listens to are rock ballads, pop, and any playlist with words including but not limited to ‘wlw’, ‘girls are pretty’, ‘how to not have a crush on Maki-senpai’

Artists she listens to incl. Kali Uchis (stumbled upon Dead To Me and hasn’t ben the same since), Queen, pop girlies like Brittany Spears, and Troye Sivan

Maki

Maki mainly listens to workout music or indie/chill beats

 Like her playlists are lowkey dry

And she refuses to use spotify premium, even though Gojo’s paying fo it

I can also see her listening to an occasional orchestral/instrumental piece like Ushiwakamaru

Inumaki also kind of put her onto listening to video game soundtracks, she probably listens to the soundtracks of games like Persona tbh

She does allow herself the small pleasure of listening to Hozier from time to time

Inumaki

Inumaki is a menace

His music taste, while there are bangers, mainly consists of music found in memes/tiktoks/etc.

((He also listens to video game music, but more of the Mario Kart sort))

I’m thinking like Vengaboys, Aqua, etc.

He does listen to other artists like Junko Ohashi and Rina Sawayama on occasion, the majority of his music taste exists to make him laugh as he thinks of all the random jokes made to the songs

Whenever, Inumaki has the aux cord, everyone in the car just mentally prepares themselves

With Inumaki, they feel bad telling him to stop because he’s really sweet and nice, and, maybe he just doesn’t know 

But he does know, he just doesn’t care

Panda

Panda listens to 80/90s rap

Tbh he’s got the best music taste out of everyone sorry not sorry

He mainly listened to whatever Yaga put on growing up so that’s why his taste is older than he is

Artists for Panda include Biggie, Pac, Outkast, etc.

Principal Yaga is black I just know Panda grew up listening to Ice Cube and the like while he was training I just knowwww

Panda’s playlist choices though usually aren’t too egregious

While Panda’s no Fushiguro in terms of adaptability, who’s really gonna be opposed to listening to bangers from the 90′s

Gojo

Gojo’s taste in music exists solely to torture Fushiguro

Now does he necessarily like any of these songs he plays? No

But does his desire to antagonize out rule his dislike? Yesyesyesyesyes

Gojo, unlike Inumaki, does not get the same sympathy

When Gojo syncs up his Bluetooth (bcus let’s be real that man does not have a car with a physical aux cord) everyone in the car just lets out the loudest groan

Just for that he’s gonna make 3 extra unnecessary turns

In actuality though, when he’s not bothering his students or Nanami, I imagine Gojo is a fan of 90′s rap as well as classical music

I think he also likes rock too, he discovered it back in his student days and it never really went away

He also definitely has a playlist called something like ‘my main character music’

General car shenanigans(imagine this as a class trip to some place that’s about 2 hours away)

Gojo and Inumaki team up to antagonize everyone

Like they will play 10 hour loops of caramelldansen with absolutely ZERO remorse

Fushiguro and Kugisaki slowly just go insane during the course of this

Although, Kugisaki will be a lot more vocal about it, cussing up a storm by the 4th loop.

This will then lead to Gojo and Inumaki being overthrown; Gojo being replaced with Ichiji at the wheel and Inumaki on thin fuckin ice

When the inevitable silence becomes too much to handle, Yuuji will tentatively offer to play his music

It’s all good, California Girls and Toxic instant hits

Yujji’s reign will end in one of two ways; 1) eventually, a Megan Thee Stallion song comes on a Gojo’s like “whoa kid, that’s not very family friendly” or 2)The sound of Kugisaki, Gojo, and Itadori singing poorly on purpose pushes Maki to take over out of frustration

Either way Maki takes over and they all kinda doze off because of how chill and soothing Maki’s music is

This ends when Ichiji gets a little too relaxed by the music and almost swerves, causing them to abruptly cut the music off

Panda just puts his paws up non-defensively like, “Don’t ask me, my music isn’t family-friendly either

At which point they all look to Fushiguro to save the day

And he does... until his phone battery dies

(Bonus) Sukuna

Sukuna probably tunes out all the miscellaneous stuff that Yuuji listens to

But one day he was minding his business till he heard Yuuji playing a Nicki Minaj song

Now, whenever Yuuji falls asleep, Sukuna will pop out every once in a while just to turn on Nicki.

[sapphic-yearning-lesbian]

How we F**ked in the Shower

Part Two to a one shot I created based on the song Kitchen Light by Xana. I couldn't help it; Part One.

This is mostly SMUT, with a dash of lesbian simps. 

They are switches in my mind, so Raya takes the lead in this chapter. ENJOY!

Word count: 4218

Namaari was sitting on her window ledge. Back resting on its frame, her head looking outside. She was just wearing her chest binds and underwear. 

The Fang princess was biting her lip, thinking back at all that happened last night. She found herself lost in her thoughts, listening and watching the slight pour of rain outside. 

Raya woke up and shifted in bed. She quickly found Namaari wasn't lying next to her. She sat up in the bed, finding Namaari looking out the window. The Heart princess quietly stood up while wrapping a thin sheet around her body before walking towards the window. 

"Can't stop thinking about how we fucked in the shower," Raya says, getting closer to the window. 

The guardian of the dragon gem mimicked the other princess's posture by sitting on the opposing side of the window, resting her back on the frame. However, she did not look out the window; she looked straight at Namaari, who was smiling. Raya chuckled as she noticed the pink tint on the other princess's cheeks before saying, "You're blushing your cheeks."

~~~flashback to last night~~~

Namaari and Raya got dressed. Raya, of course, quickly cleaned the counter while Namaari grabbed some snacks. Once they both finished their individual tasks, they ran up the stairs to Namaari's room. 

Once in the room, they talked, ate, even play wrestled. Raya was very much exhausted and soon started to doze off, so Namaari quietly made her way to her personal bathroom.

Namaari wasn't trying to keep the other princess awake, knowing she was tired. However, she wanted to shower before going to sleep.

Raya wasn't actually sleeping but wanting to see what Namaari would do. Once she heard the bathroom door close and the shower turn on. Raya shot out the bed, smiling to herself. She quickly rid herself of her dress and underwear, making her way to the door, which Namaari hadn't locked.

Namaari could hear the muffled sounds coming from her bedroom; she knew the other princess was awake. Anyway, she undressed quickly, stepping under the showerhead. The water was cold against her head. 

The Fang princess ran her hands through her now wet hair, closing her eyes as she allowed the water to trickle down her neck towards her defined stomach.

Raya entered the bathroom as quietly as possible. She grinned ear to ear when she was greeted by Namaaris back. She licked her lips as she closed the door and leaned against it, just admiring the other princess. 

Raya watched as Namaari slowly ran her hands through her hair, trying to undo any knots in her hair with her fingers. She then found her eyes traveling to the other princess's back, just admiring how beautiful her broad shoulders were. 

The Heart princess was admiring every muscle on the other's back. "It's rude to stare," Namaari said with a slight chuckle. 

Raya didn't answer as she was captivated by how Maari's shoulders went up silently as she chuckled, bringing more attention to her defined upper body. She couldn't help but bite down on her bottom lip.

"Being rude is worth looking at this view," the Heart princess finally answered in a purr before continuing to watch as the water trickled down the other's spine. She quickly noticed that the Fang warrior had several; stable stretchmarks, probably resulting from how quickly she must have gotten muscular. 

Raya saw Namaari as a canvas painting; composed of many strokes that all came together to create one unison masterpiece. 

All the while, Namaari could feel Raya's eyes almost burning down her body. 

The gems guardian starts slowly walking towards the shower, more specifically to Namaari. Raya chuckled as she opened the shower door before stepping into it. Her eyes quickly falling onto the other's sculpted calves, and her defined quads before her eyes rested on her ass. Her tight plum ass. She soon found her hands running up and down the other's arms. 

"Weren't you tired?" Namaari asked before turning around to look at the princess. Her eyes landing straight on Raya's breasts. 

Raya's arms were now wrapped around Namaari's shoulders. She answered with a chuckle before she slowly moved her hands up Maari's neck, tracing little circles into it. Her left hand finding its way up to her chin, lifting her gaze to her own face. Once she was meet by chocolate eyes, she smirked before uttering, "It's my turn to have some fun."

Namaari raised an eyebrow and opened her mouth to speak when Raya's right hand choked her. Maari gasped as to be taken back by the sudden aggressiveness. She secretly loved that Raya was dominating her. BUT she would never let her know that, or so she thought. 

Unlike Namaari, Raya did press on her trachea. 

The Heart princess waited until the other princess gasped for air before releasing the pressure on the trachea but continuing to press on the carotid arteries. Raya waited for the Fang princess to breathe momentarily before she smashed her lips onto hers. 

Raya's body collided with the Namaari causing Maari's back to go crashing into the shower wall. 

"Fuckk...Raya," The Fang warrior breathed out between their aggressive kisses. She then began to receive several bottom lip bites from the other. She felt a sense of a high from her throat being choked; the lip-biting stung but only amplified that high. 

Namaari could feel as her body began to fail her, causing her to shiver, alerting the guardian she was doing all the right things.

Raya snickered into the kiss before she pulled away slightly, pressing a small kiss on Namaari's bottom lips. After biting and sucking it, well, it was pretty swollen.

Namaari brought her hands up to Raya's cheeks, cupping them before pressing their lips together in a passionate but gentler kiss. 

Raya's grip around Maar's neck loosened. As she found herself lost in their kiss. Their tounges gently exploring each other's mouths. As water continuously trickled down both their bodies.

Namaari pulled away first, placing a soft kiss on Raya's nose. She felt the other's hold on her throat diminish before it made its way to the back of her head. The hand once holding her chin was now tracing her jawline. All while they held each other's gaze.

There were many feelings hidden behind their eyes that both princesses were too scared to vocalize.

There was pain, desire, fear, and so many others, but the only emotion that mattered at that moment was the love they felt for one another. Each waiting for the other to say something...to do something.

Raya wanted to say something, but words escaped her. She was alone for so long she didn't know HOW or WHAT she had to say or do; to adequately explain to Namaari's the feeling pulsing through her veins and body. 

Namaari slightly opened her mouth to form words that could spell out I LOVE YOU without necessarily saying I love you. However, as she gently massaged circles into Raya's cheeks, The other princess bit on her bottom lip before saying, "I need you to lose control, Dep La." 

Raya quickly pressed their lips together in a steamy and passion-filled kiss. All the while, her hands sensually making their way down Namaari's torso. Before she wrapped her arms around Maari, resting her hands on her ass. She massaged them gently before lifting both hands and slamming them down on her cheeks. The fang warrior gasped into the kiss, which Raya caught before dominating the other with her tongue. 

The Fang princess practices control in all aspects of her life, and it was hard to unwind and let Raya take the lead. However, she knew that Raya would never think less of her: The gem guardian just wanted to show her that their passion was mutual. For this reason, Namaari was fine losing control, at least this time.

Most of the water from the showerhead was landing on Raya's head and only bouncing lightly on Namaari. 

The water was chilling and not the warm temperature the guardian preferred; however her burning core kept her at an enjoyable temperature.

As the princesses continued to kiss, Namaari's hands found their way to the other's breasts, gently stimulating the nipples as Raya continued to squeeze and slap her ass. 

Their lips were burning from their consistent exchange of salvia. Raya began to pull away before grasping Namaari's bottom lip and biting down roughly. 

The Fang Princess let out a loud moan when they both tasted the iron in her blood. She loved pain, and Raya had picked up on this hours before this interaction.

Raya chuckled into Namaari's lip before releasing it and commanding her, "Turn around and press your body to the wall" She watched as the Fang warrior raised an eyebrow before nodding and turning around, following her orders. 

Namaari hesitantly presses herself against the cold wall shivering before Raya's hands lifted hers while saying, "spread your legs." She nodded once more, only slightly opening her legs. "Don't move those arms, or you'll be in trouble," Raya ordered as she let go of her wrists. Her arms were now separated in a V formation and pressing on the wall. She nodded, feeling accelerated by this side of Raya.

Raya looked the other princess up and down, noticing she did not spread her legs enough. For that, she would be punished. She chucked before her hands slowly traced down the other's neck. Her left hand stopped at her collarbone, massaging it. While her right hand shot up to Namaari's available hair, pulling it roughly back before her lips landing on her right neck biting down. Namaari gasped before moaning. 

Raya pulled back for a second, seeing clear teeth indentations but no blood. Good! But not good enough...Her mouth returned to the same spot, but this time she began sucking upon the sensitive site. Several moans escaping the other's mouth as she did. 

Namaari trives off of pain. 

There is an initial sting, but her mind is soon overwhelmed by a sense of euphoria: Caused by her elevated heart rate, all the warm and fuzzy sensations lingering in her body but mostly how her pussy begins to throb. 

Raya continually bites down on Namaari's tender skin before sucking hickeys inside those bites. Soon enough, she's left marks all the way up to Maari's right jawline and all the way down to her right shoulder. She couldn't help it because, with every bite and hickey, the Fang warrior whimpered and trembled.

Namaari was headstrong and was too proud to acknowledge she was dripping in anticipation. But she also knew Raya would keep teasing her until she begged her to fuck her. So with every bite, Namaari felt layers of her disappear. She loved the loss of control if it meant Raya was in control.

Raya finally let go of Namaari's hair before she pressed her whole body onto her. She ran her hands up and down the other's torso as her lips licked Maari's right earlobe before catching it in her teeth and biting down. She was waiting for Namaari to give up any and all control. Raya needed to hear it come from her lips; before she processing to fuck her passionately. 

The Fang princess felt the guardian's breasts pressed upon her back as well as her wandering hands looking for their targets. 

Raya's right hand massaged Namaari's right breast before her fingers began to stimulate her nipples, making Maari whimper. While her left hand was tracing its way down her abdomen. As she was putting all the crevices on Namaari's abs to memory. 

This innocent action was so loving to Maari yet so alluring, causing her to bite down on her bottom lip, drawing more blood: The Fang princess was trying to prevent herself from moaning. 

Namaari was also seconds away from entirely giving into the other princess.

Raya felt the Fang warrior tense as she licked her jawline before her left hand shot up to massaging Maari's left breast. Her right hand had shot down to the other princess's navel. In seconds she dug her nails down and dragged them up. 

The sound escaping Namaari lips was a mixture of a moan and groan. 

"You're in control!" Namaari gasped as she felt the sting of the scratch marks on her abdomen. "I'm at your command, just please..." she said, whimpering as Raya chuckled into her ear. 

"Anything for you, Dep La," Raya answered as her right hand slid down to her core. "Ohhh, someone's dripping, and it's not the shower." 

Namaari was about to say something when Raya's left hand let go of her boob and made its way to her jaw. She gripped her chin and shoved her thumb into her mouth, gently rubbing her bottom lip. The Heart princess's right thumb was now gently drawing circles upon her clit. All Maari wanted to do was bite her bottom lip to conceal her moans, but Raya gently pulled her jaw down, preventing her from doing this.

"I need to hear you, Dep La, don't you dare, hold back," Raya whispered in Namaari's ear before pressing gentle kisses down her jawline. She quickly positioned her legs between the other princess's legs; before separating her own legs, causing the other to spread her legs. Perfect. The guardian could now get to the other's core.

The Fang princess gasped when her legs were forced apart before she felt two fingers gently exploring her folds. Her once tense body went limp as she felt herself relax onto Raya's body. The other princess hummed in response before sliding just the tips of her fingers in. Causing a broken whimper to escape her lips before aggressively licking the thumb in her mouth, trying to explain she wanted more.

Raya felt her own abdomen set aflame because she loved teasing and undoing the princess of Fang; however, she could no longer hold back. She threw her own head back slightly with the pure pressure that she felt. In a split second, her two fingers entered Namaari. Her fingers were soaked in warm silk; she could also feel the other's vaginal walls throbbing against her fingers. She was so consumed by her own pleasure that the moans from the Fang princess seemed muted. She quickly shook herself out of her own euphoria, pushing it to the side, for now.

Namaari's head was cloudly as she felt the other princess's kisses up and down her neck and shoulders, her left hand gently massaging her lip, while her right hand went in and out of her core at a fast rate. Maari had no control of the sounds escaping her lips, and she didn't care once Raya entered a third finger into the mix. 

Once Raya entered a third digit into Namaari. This brought Raya closer to her peak, hearing the sweet music caused by her fingers. Her moans echoed through the bathroom as well.

The guardian's pace was slower now, as the space around her fingers needed to be eased into relaxing around her. And once she felt the walls relax around her fingers, she began to pump faster. However, as soon as she began to pump faster, Namaari's knees went weak, and her entire weight was on Raya. She felt Maari's body began to tremble before the muscles around her fingers tightened again. 

Namaari was moaning and panting as she felt completely undone. It's hard to explain the intensity of her orgasm, but it felt like a slight tingle within her abdomen that quickly shot up to her head. Its mind consuming. Your head goes black as the tingle sensation overdoes all of her senses. In all, Namaari knows that she's moaning but cannot hear herself as she feels lost within her own mind.

Raya's left hand leaves the mouth of the other as it lands on her neck, slightly pressing down on her arteries again. She also removes one finger from inside Maari, causing the other to whimper. She continues to pump in and out of Maar's core with those two fingers before curling them with each wave, shown by the trembling of Namaari's legs. 

Once Namaari's panting subsides, and she can feel her body at ease. She opens her eyes, which she didn't know were close--She went to lick Raya's thumb but found her hand around her neck. Maari also realized her whole weight was resting on the other, so she shifted to her weight to be resting on the wall. As soon as she shifted positions, Raya collapsed onto her back with her fingers still inside her. 

Raya was at her peak after leading Namaari through her waves. She felt her body go weak before resting her entire body weight on the Fang warrior. She continues to pump her fingers into Namaari. This was guiding herself through her own orgasm waves. Her mind was soon clouded by her allure of Namaari, causing her to tremble onto the other.

Both the princesses moans filled the bathroom as Raya brought herself down. 

Once Raya regained her strength, she pulled herself off the other slightly before pulling her fingers out. A loud moan escaping from the Fang princess as she did so. 

The Heart princess wanted to taste the juices from the other princess, but the water quickly washed it off her fingers. She huffed in disappointment. Namaari, having heard this, weakly turned around and was met by a frown on Raya's face. 

Namaari raised an eyebrow bringing a hand up to cup Raya's face. However, the gem guardian only pouted and slapped the hand away. "I never said you could turn around, princess." Raya sternly replied. This resulted in a chuckle from the Fang warrior, thinking the other princess wasn't serious.

Raya raised an eyebrow back before smirking and bending down. Doing so, she heard a loud gulp from Namaari as she lightly massaged her outer thighs. "You were such a good girl until a few seconds ago. So now you must be punished!" She stated before licking her lips and lightly pushing on Maari's tighs: A sign that she wanted her to wrap them around her

Namaari trembled as she rested her back upon the shower wall and quickly wrapping her legs around the Heart princess. And as soon as she did, the guardian began drawing circles around her clit with her pointed tongue. 

Raya began salivating once Namaari's core was inches from her face. Even so, she tightly gripped Maar's waist before beginning to lick the leftover silk on her folds. Soon her pointed tongue started to circle around her clit, causing muffled moans to escape the other's mouth before her hands came down, pulling on Raya's hair. 

Namaari felt Raya laugh into her clit before moving her tongue to the opening of her folds. She then felt Raya flatten her tongue as she licked just her entrance.

Raya's head was overwhelmed by the wetness that was Namaari...The taste of her silk...Noticing her natural vaginal lubrication was a thin liquid with no real flavor, but the leftover juices were thick, similar to a loose syrup consistency. She wanted more, and for that, she needed to suck it out of Namaari.  

The Fang princess pulled on the other princess's hair more aggressively when she used her pointed tongue to draw circles inside her. CIRCLES? Who invented that? And why did that feel so good... The guardian curled her tongue other times before pushing it deeper into her, consistently hitting her sweet spot. Also, Raya's nose was unintentionally stimulating Namaari's clit.

One thing was for sure Raya was enjoying her meal!

Raya could feel her face being covered in silk when Namaari began to hump her face as she was reaching her second climax. Instead of punishing the Fang warrior for moving without permission, she laughed as she circled her pointed tongue inside her again before coming out to breathe for a moment. But by no means would she stop pleasing the other princess. 

Namaari whimpered as Raya's tongue exited out from her core but was soon greeted by her flat tongue licking circles on her clit. Between her spaced breathing, she could hear Raya take a few deep breathes before abandoning her clit and penetrating her again. She began to shake as she was overcome by her orgasm. Her head shot back as her back arched. She felt her head hit the wall, and it hurt, but at that moment, she ignored it. She was way too consumed by how Raya was effortlessly sucking out all her juices. Between her moans and sobs of pleasure, she heard Raya say, "Ouch." Namaari assumed she was talking about her slamming her head: It only made her giggle.

Raya stops suctioning Namaari's juices and now gently licks her vaginal walls; as if she was cleaning up her plate. This very stable action eased  Namaari's through all her waves.

After Raya felt Namaari's legs loosen around her neck, and her hands fall from her hair. She lightly pulled her face away from Namaari's core. She quickly found she missed the warmth and wetness of it around her face. She also noticed her once swollen clitoris was starting to go down. 

Namaari was slowly catching her breath as she looked up, seeing the water from the showerhead fall upon them. That's when she realized the bathroom was covered in steam and the water was COLD! She started giggling to herself as she straightened her back before feeling Raya gently lick, proceeding to bite her right inner thigh. 

Raya pressed a quick kiss onto the inner thigh she just bit before smiling and turning her head to look up at Namaari. She was greeted by water hitting her right in the face; she flinched. That was super cold! What the fuck?

The Fang princess burst into laughter as she watched the other princess almost drown from the showerhead. "Can I move?" she asked, watching Raya close her eyes and mouth, probably avoiding the water before nodding yes. As much as that was enjoyable, Namaari was exhausted.

The gem guardian licked the inside of her lips. The taste of Namaari still lingering. It very is difficult to describe, but it had a sweetness to it while also having underlayers of saltness. 

Namaari placed her hands on Raya's head to balance herself as she moved off her shoulders and neck. Once her feet touched the wet shower floor, she realized how weak her knees actually were and was glad her hands were still on Raya's head.

Raya reached for her head grabbing hold of Namaari's wrist firmly, she had her eyes closed, but she assumed she was floppy. She then stood up, feeling her back had actually cramped from her previous position. "That was wow," she heard the Maari say after gasping. 

Namaari watched as Raya tried to blink the water out of her eyes before leaning closer to her face where she wouldn't have water hitting it. She smiled before pressing a soft kiss on her swollen and injured lips. 

The Heart princess tasted a faint trace of blood, causing her smile to drop. "Was I too rough? I'm so sorry." She blurted out as she felt her eyes swell with tears; Namaari was the woman that she loved, and if she hurt her beyond what she was comfortable with. Well, she would hate herself for it.

The Fang warrior quickly shook her head to the sides before saying, "Ohh no, Raya. It was just enough! I really enjoyed every bit of it." She then leaned down, pressing a gentle but intimate kiss on the other princess's lips before she could say anything. 

Namaari also ignored the fact she could taste her own silk on Raya's lips.

These princesses weren't new to sex or pleasure itself. 

They had both engaged in self-gratification and one-night stands before ending in this current situation. So they both knew what their tongues and fingers were doing. However, this was different from all those other encounters. 

As the princesses pulled away from their kiss, Raya's hands let go of the other's wrists, finding their way to her neck. While Namaari's arms wrapped around Raya's waist, pulling her closer and resting them there. They then just stared at each other, smiling as singular water droplets fell onto their faces at times.

This wasn't just sex with a stranger or a one-night stand. This was the start of their forever, and they could feel it as they watched each other. None of them had to say a word as their love oozed out of all their pores. 

There was a glimmer in both their eyes.  

They also both had accelerated hearts pounding within them.

Overall, there is magic in having sex with someone you love because it's no longer just hooking up or having sex. 

Raya just made love to Namaari. 

She made passionate and rough love, but love nevertheless.

"I love you," Namaari whispered as she rubbed her nose against Raya's nose. 

"I love you more," Raya whispered back as she raised her chin to kiss Maari's nose. 

And they stood there in the shower holding onto each other; they continued to whisper it back and forth to each other in between gentle kisses.

~~~

My plan included many more references to the Kitchen Light song in this chapter but failed miserably. Its honesty all SMUT. I hope you'll like it anyway. 

And sorry if you spot any grammatical mistakes!

I'm also on A03

[razanartuk]

about me tag game thing

i was tagged by the wonderful @nothingunrealistic! thank you very much ily <3

under read more bc i was not capable of keeping my answers brief this time around

why did you choose your url?

this...was supposed to be a short explanation but it turned into quite a tale so strap in i guess because we are going on a ride. back in 2017 i was just getting into musical theatre rp and i was still feeling too shy to really talk to anyone ooc so i would just wait for people i wanted to interact with to post starter calls so i could just do things in character with them the easy way. So i did this with my friend cam, who posted a starter for me using a lyric from If I Could Tell Her. she linked the song so i could listen to it, so i did and i went ‘wait a minute, is that Ben Platt from Pitch Perfect?? (and other things too, but i only recognized his voice at the time bc of the acappella girl movies)’ and yes it certainly was.

i had zero idea what the plot of Dear Evan Hansen was about at that point, and for some reason based off Just That One Song and the poster art of who i assumed was Some Guy in a Polo Shirt i started to think it was about some jock guy who broke his arm and had an emo/goth friend who had either died or gone missing under mysterious circumstances. also i intuited that Evan had a crush on his friend’s sister but he couldn’t tell her that directly or his emo friend would kick his ass. so i was like mostly wrong, but a little bit right.

oh and i knew jared and alana were characters from the show bc cam said that they were i think?? but i had no idea what their role was. so after listening to if i could tell her, i listened to good for you and all i really got out of that was that evan the apparently not-jock guy had done...something... that really hurt jared and alana. and at that point i finally decided to go look up a plot synopsis and i found out i was waaay off base. but honestly this is why cast recordings should include scene dialogue in the songs bc otherwise you just get soundtracks like dear evan hansen where the songs have like. zero context. we really just go from waving through a window to for forever to sincerely me without like. any reason as to what is happening huh. It’s honestly not a surprise anymore that all those people on twitter had no idea the plot isn’t about gay teenagers.

anyways. cam was writing jared and she made a post at one point about wishing somebody would write alana and i was like ‘oh i could do that!’ (after i had actually Seen a bootleg and finally knew what the whole story was, of course) so i made a multimuse rp blog featuring alana beck, nabulungi hatimbi, chloe valentine and some other characters, and cam started sharing her headcanons with me that alana is trans, jared and alana were close friends when they were little kids but they sort of drifted apart as they got older and their priorities in life changed, jared was the first person alana came out to when she realized she’s trans, etc.

one night i started talking about wanting to pick a more theatre-relevant url for my blog and trans-[character name] urls were getting pretty popular, and at least 3 of the friends i made through rp had changed theirs to coordinating trans-[character name] and i think it was cam suggested i should make mine be trans-alana so i did. eventually i realized the unhyphenated version was available so i changed it to transalana with no hyphen and i have lived here ever since. sometimes i think about changing it but i feel like transalana has become a part of My Brand and i am not so great with coming up with cool names for things.

any side blogs? if you have them, name them and why you have them

in theory, i have sideblogs... i don’t really use them, but of the ones i do have, there is:

emsbookblog - this was supposed to be where i would post excerpts of the book that i’m working on, but i think i did that maybe one time roughly 2 years ago and then promptly forgot about it/got nervous about my writing and was scared to share anything else. the rest of the stuff that is there is assorted writing tips. i don’t really know what to do with it now. i probably should post all my little thoughts about em and anita and caleb there instead of infodumping on my main from time to time, but if i do that then i have to promo a sideblog and direct people over to it which is always annoying to me when i could just do it on this blog which is much easier

dearnovelhansen - this is basically no longer used, but was a sideblog i made specifically to talk/complain about the novel adaptation of Dear Evan Hansen which was about 3 years ago?? maybe? i can’t be trusted to understand the passage of time. but to summarize: i thought it was an honor just to have the story be made more accessible since many of us couldn’t see the stage performance, but i hated a lot of the creative liberties that were taken. my main grumbles are that everyone who isn’t evan or connor is done so dirty in the novel. connor’s still kind of done dirty in the book, but not as much as like. heidi, alana, jared, and zoe are.

horseisle3 - this one was meant to be a place where i could just enthusiastically post screenshots from hi3, but instead it turned into a blog where i occasionally reblog other players’ hi3 content and bitch about how bad the game admins are bc hi3 is the tumblr famous (infamous?) homophobic horse game. the game where it was once okay to call your club store the gulag bc according to their head of hr, ‘it’s just a russian word for prison’ but you can’t say ‘im gay’ without somebody accusing you of corrupting young children who play the game. unfortunately there aren’t very many good interactive horse games out there, so this one is still about as good as it gets. it’s either that or star stable and i don’t care about star stable.

mlaenie - i’ve had this url saved for i don’t even know how long. way way way back in the day when i wanted to escape from the clutches of the onceler fandom i abandoned my first blog where i basically had an alter ego i guess?? and i decided to just be myself on the new blog. i don’t fully remember who came up with it, but one of my sister’s mutuals suggested that if you scrambled the letters in your name you could come up with aesthetic-looking urls. so lauren’s url became lrauen, and to match with her mine became mlaenie, which i abandoned on tumblr after about a year or so? but have continued to use as my main username on twitter, reddit, youtube, xbox, steam, and discord. i barely ever use any of these accounts aside from twitter, steam, and xbox, but yeah. so i’ve decided to try and turn this empty sideblog into a place for video game thoughts maybe. we’ll see how long it lasts this time around.

how long have you been on tumblr?

i made my first tumblr account in december of 2010, but i didn’t understand how to use it at all or how to customize my theme to look cool and unique so i quickly abandoned it. i made a new account in september of 2011 after some kids at school and my sister told me i should and i have been trapped here with varying degrees of activity/inactivity ever since. i have witnessed the rise and fall of the lorax/onceler fandom, hyperfocused on lord of the rings, star wars and back to the future all at the same time, and for the past 4 years i’ve mostly been a musical theatre blog with assorted other fandom stuff mixed in. i feel i have seen everything and nothing, but mostly i’m just tired and bored.

do you have a queue tag?

no bc i don’t use a queue. i’ve tried using it in the past but i irrationally feel pressured to sustain a coherent theme to queued posts and my brain simply does not vibe with that so i just don’t use it at all anymore. Instead i instantly reblog or post several unrelated thoughts in succession and then don’t post again at all for 3 days. the way god intended

why did you start your blog in the first place?

my very first blog was intended to be a place for me to post all of my petz 5 animals’ profile info, but i didn’t have any understanding of how coding worked at all and i don’t think i really wanted to learn, either. so it just sat there, unused. my second attempt at blogging was as a classic rock fandom person, so as you can probably imagine i was pretty pretentious about ‘modern pop’ vs the beatles, the rolling stones, the who, the monkees, and so on. and then i slowly devolved into a lorax fandom blog and everything went to shit so i made a new blog for lord of the rings/the hobbit which later evolved to include star wars and back to the future blogging. and then for the past 4 years i’ve been mainly a musical theatre blog with other random stuff i like thrown haphazardly into the pot. wonderful.

why did you choose your icon/pfp?

because my url is transalana and two of my most prominent lgbt headcanons are that alana beck is trans and a lesbian. i gotta be shouting out @kinqmike though bc she’s the one i adopted the trans alana beck headcanon from in the first place!

why did you choose your header?

in 2017 i was hyperfixating on Dear Evan Hansen (and Be More Chill, but there weren’t many gif-able videos then considering it ran for a month in New Jersey in 2015 and there was only one yet-to-resurface 35 minute bootleg) so i just grabbed a random gif off of google. i really should get to replacing it with a new header of my own though. i just don’t know what i should do for it.

what’s your post with the most notes?

i have lost track of how many notes it has (i think it’s somewhere around 200 now?) but when Will Roland and George Salazar performed Two Player Game on Good Morning America, i posted a screencap of their Jeremy and Michael along with that one quiz answer meme that says stuff like ‘i want to see it grow up healthy’. i didn’t tag it with any ship names or anything because i was anxious about having it show up in the tags, but somebody who reblogged it from me did tag it as boyf riends and i firmly believe it took off because of that. i don’t think i make posts that are relevant enough to amass thousands of notes, even by accident. which is probably a good thing bc if i did i would have to block so many of them.

how many followers do you have?

on this blog? 175 according to the counter. how many of those are still real people and how many are bots and abandoned accounts? i have no idea.

how many people do you follow?

i try to keep it somewhere around 200. i think i’m sitting at 180 right now but i kind of need to go through and clear out the really inactive blogs.

have you made a shitpost?

let’s think about this for a second. i’ve been on tumblr for nearly 10 years. you might even be able to say i’ve made more than one. they’re just not what you would call...popular shitposts.

how do you feel about ‘you need to reblog this’ post?

that stuff makes me so incredibly anxious that i have to fight the urge to want to yeet my laptop or mobile device through the closest window whenever i read it, so i try very hard to avoid any sort of ‘if you don’t reblog this, i’m judging you’ posts. i find them very manipulative and not particularly helpful

do you like tag games?

yeah babey!! i just frequently forget to do them, but please know that if you have ever tagged me in a tag game i felt incredibly touched by the gesture and the @mention even if i completely forgot to do the thing afterward

do you like ask games?

i do! but also rip to literally anyone who has ever sent me an ask meme bc it takes me so long to answer them. i’m still working on a micro fic prompt from a few weeks ago. also, horrified to realized that it has in fact been a few weeks and not 3 days anymore.

which of your mutuals do you think is tumblr famous?

i don’t know that any are tumblr famous as a whole. but probably @neverheardnothing

do you have a crush on a mutual?

in any sort of romantic connotation? no. not that i’m aware of. there are mutuals that i have friend crushes on where i want to be friends with them but i get so anxious when it comes to meeting new people that usually nothing ever comes of it. i’m really not good at small talk or other casual conversation either which, as you may or may not be able to imagine, sucks. i just wanna skip over all of the awkward introductions and ‘hey how are you, how is life, what are you doing with yourself?’ stuff. not because i don’t care about it. i do, but i think most of my friends/the people i want to be my friends are also depressed and anxious so asking these basic questions about life tends to uh. make us all nervous. and i don’t do much with my life so i always have the most boring answers anyways.

i’m not tagging anyone officially bc the @ thing has just completely given up on me at this point, but if you want to do it, go for it. and then say i tagged you so i can read it c:

[a-stitch-in-time-and-space]

Queers in Space (DS9 Edition) Part 1 (Seasons 1-midway season 5)

Continuation to Queers in Space (TNG)

Benjamin Sisko: Similar to Picard's Captain-Gender, Sisko is Dad (some characters, like Julian, might occasionally look at him and think Daddy, mainly when he's being Righteous). He’s very caught up in caring about everything and is just happy he’s got such a large family (although he wishes there were more babies he could dote on). What he otherwise really loves is getting pegged by beautiful women.

Kasidy Yates: Speaking of women who peg...  She uses she/her pronouns and “woman” but her relationship to gender is like... not relevant. Not needed. Whatever. Call me whatever and I'll respond to it. And she's pan. She's been in space for long enough to have realised that attraction is attraction. Chaotic bench, I love her.

Jake Sisko: he's a burgeoning bisexual, Byron is his literary inspiration and he's the only man on DS9 who's pretty consistently half-well-dressed (you cannot change my mind about this). He and Nog have tested kissing. Mayhaps they may try out more in future.

Kira Nerys: Her lesbianism was so powerful that she was barely allowed to interact with other women (mirror!Kira may have been a bad bisexual trope, but she was also far closer to the truth). Not just a lesbian, but stompin' about in her butch boots and padded shoulders for the first half of the series, damn! All those guys she keeps dating are her beards.

Jadzia Dax: Omnisexual, poly, genderqueer babe - the poly part is why I cannot fully ship her with Worf, even though I love that she’s with a partner she can spar with (in ahem multiple ways). The whole point of trill is to experience life to the fullest and Jadzia takes that brief very seriously (that is canon!). At heart she's also very romantic. The fact that she and Nerys don't seem to have any storylines together is homophobia.

Julian Bashir: Trans, queer, dork. He canonically comes aboard knowing nothing about himself or the universe, he's just here to learn and have a good time and be an idealistic hero and accidentally fall in love with both his best friend and a lizard spyman and we're here cheering that wonderful foot-fetishist on like proud parents (Benjamin has literally sat him down to give him his blessing, but also express his confusion about his tastes).

Elim Garak: Blessed by the mouth of Andy Robinson himself, omnisexual and into Julian and down to clown and generally just a chaotic energy of fun and murder and sex, in whatever order. I read a thing about Cardassians choosing gender through specific make-up and the blue mark on the forehead, and they're all intersex and honestly Yes This! Garak opted out. He dresses like the genderqueer slut icon he is.

Miles O'Brien: I could go 50 different places with him. At first I wrote him off as a straight cis guy, but then as DS9 went on I became less sure... for one, there's Julian and the poly marriage with Keiko and Nerys. For two... it'd be fun if he were gendershrug. “I'm an engineer, I haven't got time to think about that” - does this open up the possibility that in the future all humans choose their own gender? I mean, the federation is supposed to be a form of minor utopia, so yes, and Miles just never got around to it and never will.

Keiko O'Brien: My poly, pan queen. I didn't see her and Nerys coming at aaaall and may I just say I am thrilled. It's what she deserves. She has two hands and a large heart (and a large bed too). She's a lady, but by now I've entirely decided that cis just doesn't exist at that point in the future. Gender is A Choice and she liked the sound of woman and like with everything else she liked the sound of, she grabbed it with both hands and went “mine” (she did that with Miles and Nerys as well).

Worf (Part 2): Ds9 is when Worf got more interesting to me. He was fine on TNG, but here, my word. Both the worst and the best. Okay, yes, he's very monogamous, I will relent. But also he's got a much bigger bi energy going for him, which I celebrate. On that note, if Garak isn't his type, what kinda person is? I'm assuming he's just not into Cardassians as a rule, because of their culture-biases. He likes a partner who'll punch him in the face before propositioning with all their cards on the table. What he needs is to get pegged.

Odo: Ace and aro. He’s full of love. In order to mimic “solids” he tries to make sense of his emotions from their perspectives and so comes to the conclusion that he definitely isn’t allowed to love Quark and definitely ought to be in romantic love with Nerys, but once he understands himself better, he doesn’t feel such a need to limit himself. He has unlimited hands you guys!!!! (sometimes he has no hands, but that doesn’t limit him either). He’s tried out various body shapes, and he likes the sound of “man.” He can’t place his finger on why, and honestly he doesn’t have to. It’s his identity. Hope he realises how loved he is.

Quark: He thought he was your average straight man on the station, but ds9 has a way of bringing out your true colours and it turns out he’s in love with an occasional bucket of goo. He expresses this by snarking at aforementioned goo-man. This isn’t even me, this is just... canon facts. Ferengi have strong binary genders. Quark is a man, but he’s later not-so-secretly sympathetic towards people who veer away from binary gender, such as...

Rom: Is “not having the lobes for business” code for being trans-femme? Kinda feeling it is. In a way it’s harder to be trans-masc, simply because afab people in Ferengi culture have a much harder time escaping the home planet in order to explore themselves, and Rom will eventually launch a campaign for equality for trans Ferengi (what is “trans” in Ferengi?) Also he’s more ace than he realises. He has urges (that one episode... definitely proved that), but they’re not directed at anyone. He likes being loved. Surprisingly sex doesn’t play as big a role in that as he might’ve thought it would.

Nog: "Doesn’t have the lobes for business” but is kinda chill about gender. Probably due to having grown up amongst other humanoids. Especially come starfleet academy he fully embraces gender and sexuality definitions as being “eh” to him. It’s not his interest, so he doesn’t define it. That being said, he’s also somewhere along the bi/pan spectrum.

Leeta: Pan-ace. She likes a certain amount of attention, and she has strong sensual attraction and she doesn’t mind sex, but as long as she’s loving and loved, she’s happy. After dumping Julian (like they both deserve), she gets a bunch of sugar-parents, who pay her school for her. It’s like hunger games out there, with how every one of them tries to impress her the most. She likes the attention and she loves studying, she can do it all. Be a bombshell and a smart cookie.

Gul Dukat: His gender and sexuality are “idiot clown-man.”

[missmeikakuna]

Tired Girl Ch. 11- F/F fantasy story

One more chapter after this one!

Rated: T

Fandom: Original story

Relationship type: F/F

Description:

High schooler Nosderag is childish, impulsive and- worst of all- powerless in a magical world. Her strong sense of empathy leads her to rescue an injured fairy and bring it back to her dorm, to the chagrin of her love-powered rumoured lesbian roommate Dalzonf. Together they try to return the fairy to its enclosure before they get arrested for animal theft.

The problem is, people with love powers are seen as criminals, putting a giant target on Dalzonf’s back.

CONTENT WARNING: This story will have homophobia, bullying and discussions of sexual assault.

Chapter 11: Clever Girl

Cold wind slapped Nosderag’s skin as she raced towards the potions lab. There was but one problem.

Dr Lomaschramm was locking up the lab for the night.

Nosderag tried to think up a lie on the spot, but the teacher turned around and her nose reminded her of Daliki’s beak. Nosderag closed her eyes and took a deep breath.

‘So I saved an ara fairy who was being harmed in the animal storage shed and it followed me to my dorm and I’ve been trying to bring it back a bunch of times but there are now guards and my roommate has been blamed for a bunch of animals getting stolen and now she’s mad at me for some reason she won’t tell me and she got angry and fed the fairy too much love magic and now the fairy’s short of breath and is clearly in pain and I need a healing potion or twenty.’

Dr Lomaschramm placed her hands on Nosderag’s shoulders. ‘Okay, breathe, breathe.’ Nosderag followed her suggestion but observed her warily, her rigid shoulders up to the sky. ‘Can you describe the fairy’s symptoms?’ the teacher asked. Once Nosderag did, the teacher unlocked the lab and led her inside. She pulled out five potions one at a time and handed them to the student.

‘If one doesn’t work, wait at least five minutes before trying another. These are for magical animals specifically, so they’re your best bet.’

‘Um, thank you,’ Nosderag murmured, looking between the potions in her arms and the suddenly soft-faced teacher.

‘Now, tomorrow, bring the fairy to the principal and explain what happened. I’m sure she’ll understand.’ Dr Lomaschramm searched the room for a crate to put the potions in. ‘I need to finish closing up. You go ahead.’

Nosderag thanked the teacher before heading back towards the dormitory. On the way, she saw a familiar face under a lamp.

Mr Fot walked up to her. ‘What are you doing out this late?’

‘I have to heal an Ara fairy.’

Mr Fot stroked his chin. ‘I see. Mind showing me the fairy?’

‘She’s in my room and tomorrow I’m taking her to the Principal. Maybe see if you can visit the enclosure.’

‘Ah, yes, of course. How about I take her back to the enclosure myself? You don’t need to worry the Principal. I’d love to see such a rare specimen before the poor thing is trapped in that dusty old shed.’

Nosderag surveyed the man, at the mischievous twinkle in his eyes. The clenched hands by his side that opened and shut as if preparing to grab something at any moment. The perfect pearly smile with no lines outside his eyes.

Nosderag’s own eyes widened. ‘Um, just out of curiosity, how much do you think an ara fairy would make on the black market?’

The perfect smile turned into a scowl, then a smirk. ‘Clever Girl.’

Mr Fot swirled his hands about, creating a blue field around Nosderag. ‘Too clever. No wonder you respected me. You’re the only one who did in this stinking school. I’m sorry it has to end like this.’ His eyes made him look unhinged but they contained an ounce of genuine guilt. The field slowly shrunk.

When Nosderag touched the field, a painful chill ran up her arm. However, her pointer finger managed to make it outside. She grabbed her crate and slowly pushed herself out of the field. The pain was agonising and she felt like her limbs were going to freeze off, but she persevered. She shivered once she was out and began to run.

Inside the dorm room, Dalzonf looked at her watch and stroked Daliki’s head, cooing words of comfort. The chair she sat on shook as her knees bounced up and down.

Back on campus, Mr Fot’s eyes grew in realisation. ‘Of course. Damn omlers.’ Ice grew on his nails until they began to resemble claws. He lunged onto Nosderag from behind and dug his icy nails into her skin. 

Before he could tear the skin off her back, Nosderag kicked behind her. Her foot reached his gut but she fell frontwards in the process. She teetered on her feet, praying not to drop the potions.

Ah, yes, the potions.

But first, she needed a distraction.

Meanwhile, Dalzonf stood up and walked to the door but when her eyes went down to her hands she took a step back. Her lips hurt from biting them so much and her eyes were shiny with blocked tears.

As she uncorked one of the potions, shielding them from view, Nosderag asked Mr Fot, ‘Are you the one who framed Dalzonf?’

She could hear laughter from behind. ‘Oh, so you know about that. What a shame. I always liked you as a student. She wasn’t too bad either.’

She uncorked a second potion. ‘But why her? What did she do to deserve this?’

‘Nothing, really. Exist, maybe. Once I’m done with you I’ll have to thank her for making such a lovely scapegoat.’

A pang of coldness stabbed Nosderag’s back. She made sure to dodge Mr Fot’s next attacks. She threw the bottles in her hand to the ground and ran away.

An explosion roared through the air. Green flames descended into deep purple as they ascended to the sky. The heightened pressure of the air pushed Nosderag forward until she fell to the ground. Her knees and elbows scraped against the cement. Behind her was a screeching man, followed by the cracking sound of ice. She turned her head, saw that the remaining flames had been cooled and began hurriedly crawling towards the dormitory.

A pained whisper came from Nosderag. ‘Dalzonf…’

The rumbling that came after the explosion could be heard all the way to Nosderag’s desired destination. Various students gasped and chatted loudly about what they guessed happened. Dalzonf didn’t know the details, just like everyone else, but she knew enough to run out of the dorm room and put all her power into making the elevator drop down to the ground level within seconds.

Spending that much magic made her movements sluggish, but she continued walking out of the building. She tried to speed up but felt trapped by her own weakness. 

Eventually, she saw a crawling Nosderag being repeatedly punctured by icicles. The blood in Dalzonf’s skin went painfully hot. Adrenaline gave her enough energy to run towards Mr Fot and force-feed him with red mist. She kept pouring magic into his mouth until he clutched his heart and collapsed.

Dr Lomaschramm entered the scene with a first aid kit. She administered Mr Fot a healing potion before tending to Nosderag. 

‘Are you okay?’ She asked Dalzonf, who was scrutinising her own trembling hands. Despite the horrified expression on her face, she nodded. ‘The police should be here any moment.’

Dr Lomaschramm glared at the guards as they ran towards the scene. She stood up and gave them the details of the situation with a clipped voice.

Nosderag sat on a bench outside as fire tolxers melted away the ice from her back. She pointed to the crate, which still contained several potions. Dalzonf picked up the crate and brought it to her. Nosderag pulled out a potion.

‘Try this on Daliki,’ she ordered Dalzonf, who at this point was reduced to tears.

‘But what about-’

Nosderag’s laughter was wobbly as she continued to shiver. ‘I’ll be fine. She’s in greater danger right now.’

As Dalzonf ran back inside, several students slowly carried Nosderag into the dormitory. A fire tolxer powered the elevator for extra warmth. The last thing she heard before the elevator doors closed was a whispered question from a student.’

‘Astra, did that love tolxer really just save her?’

Nosderag had to smile at that.

[artificialqueens]

Baby, You Can Drive My Car (Branjie) - Joley

ao3 link

Brooke Lynn pushed the hood of the car down and exhaled deeply. One hand steadied herself by pressing against the cool metal while the other wiped her brow, streaking her forehead with grease. There was a rag right beside her, but it’d been dirtied after a long day’s work - just like the rest of her torso, the sacrifice she made when she pushed her coveralls down and tied them around her waist.

“Ay, BL, hit the showers!” A coverall-clad man tossed a towel at her. “We’re going out to eat, it’s Theo’s turn to pick, so you know what that means.”

Of course she did, and with a roll of her eyes and a dry laugh, she replied “Wouldn’t miss it for the world,” before heading into the locker room to shower up.

Well, ‘locker room’ was perhaps a bit generous. It was more like a prison bathroom with open, communal showers - save for one that had a makeshift curtain built around it - that was Brooke’s shower. She had to admit, there was an actual effort made, and she appreciated having some semblance of privacy and not having to drive home with a full layer of grime.

Beyond that, Brooke never felt too singled out at work, even though she was never unaware that she was the only female mechanic in the auto shop. The guys made a point of including her, and part of that was including her in their weekly dinners out. When it was her turn, she would try to expand her coworkers’ palettes - something they were surprisingly receptive towards.

On the other hand, their restaurant choices often fell into a repetitive pattern. Such is the case with Theo, who would only ever pick Hooters for their meal. When asked if he may want to reconsider with a mixed company, he shrugged it off with “She likes chicks too, it’s fine!”

And Brooke, in turn, never voiced any complaints. The food was subpar, but sometimes she liked to indulge in that sort of greasy, fried food. As far as the waitstaff? Well, she was conflicted. As an empathetic feminist, she would find herself concerned - were the girls being treated well? Was there proper recourse when reporting harassment? As a lesbian, however… She understood the appeal.

She was the last one out of the showers because even with the curtain, she still preferred to shower alone. All of the good intentions in the world couldn’t change the fact that being naked around men made her skin crawl. No one ever seemed to question her on this either, though she was occasionally subjected to playful jabs about keeping the guys waiting.

Once they arrived at the restaurant, the group of six was seated promptly, and everything seemed to be business as usual.

Then their waitress came over.

She was shorter than the average waitress, but the energy that radiated from her made up for it. Her warm, brown eyes and dimpled smile could easily captivate anyone, but while Brooke Lynn’s colleagues were pleasantly content, she felt the air leave her lungs and the heat rise to her cheeks.

“You gonna tell me what you wanna drink, sweetie?”

Oh, shit, had she been staring that long? She sat upright and cleared her throat. “Right, sorry. I’ll have an iced tea. Thank you…” she leaned forward to look at the nametag - and just the nametag, of course. “Vanessa.”

Vanessa smirked, pressing her lips together as she tilted her head to toss her thick, dark waves of hair off her shoulder. “Coming right up,” she hummed, then turned on her heel to retreat to the kitchen.

The men at the table turned their attention to Brooke as soon as Vanessa had left, some confused, others amused. “Who are you and what the fuck did you do with Brooke?” One of them asked.

Brooke’s eyes did not leave the menu, pointedly so. “Don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“I always wondered what your type was,” Kevin remarked. “It makes sense, you got taste. Though I doubt a lesbian could stomach working here.”

“You don’t know that,” she scoffed. “Lesbians are stronger than you give us credit for, not just in the literal sense.”

Ryan quirked his brow. “What, so you can tell she likes chicks? Or is it wishful thinking?”

Brooke blushed and looked down. Maybe it was wishful thinking. What were the odds that the most beautiful girl she had ever seen would not only be her waitress, but a fellow queer lady as well? She knew better than to get her hopes up, logically, but when that waitress returned with the drinks, logic was just out of the question.

“Y’all decided on what you’re getting?”

And like before, the guys placed their orders with no issue. But once again, Brooke was flustered and tongue tied, scrambling to find something appetizing to throw out there. “I um…I’ll have the shrimp and spinach salad.”

Vanessa nodded, reading the orders back to the group to make sure everything was correct. “I’ll get this right in,” she hummed, giving Brooke’s shoulder a light squeeze.

Another waitress stopped Vanessa on her way back from dropping the order off. “You know you’re supposed to do that innocent touchy shit with the guys, right?”

“You gotta chill and let me enjoy one damn six-top,” she huffed and rolled her eyes. “‘Sides, my dyke senses were tingling, so it still counts.”

“Dyke senses?”

“Only straight people say ‘gaydar’, and they don’t even have it.”

Her coworker just rolled her eyes. “Long as they tip the same,” she retorted before leaving with a tray of plates.

Vanessa scoffed. “Straight girls don’t know shit,” she muttered to herself. If there was one thing she knew, it was when someone was fawning over her. It wasn’t exactly an uncommon occurrence in her line of work, after all. And sure, straight men and not-straight women express it differently, but as she would explain it - the vibe was all the same.

The train of thought she was on came to a halt by the sound of a bell dinging behind her. “Vanjie! Got the order for table eighteen,” one of the line cooks called out.

“Got it!” She confirmed, loading up the serving tray and taking the meticulously balanced walk across the restaurant to serve the customers. “Enjoy,” she chirped pleasantly, but threw a subtle wink in Brooke Lynn’s direction.

“You guys saw that, right?” Brooke asked once they were alone.

“Saw what?”

“She winked at me. Told you I was onto something.”

“No you didn’t.”

She huffed. Those guys wouldn’t pay attention to anything unless it was in a car or a bikini. Whatever, she knew what she saw and went on to eat her food while trying to think about what her next move should be.

But as if he could read her thoughts, Theo piped up with “So, what’re you gonna do about it? You know, if you’re so convinced she’s into you or whatever.”

Brooke shrugged, poking around at her food. The shrimp was overcooked and the spinach was sad and wilted from being egregiously overdressed with a too-bitter balsamic. “You know how wildly inappropriate it is to hit on someone while they’re at work, right?” There was a deafening silence from the rest of the table. “Right?”

“Cassie and I met at her job,” Ryan defended quietly.

She pinched the bridge of her nose. “Regardless, I’m not going to put her on the spot like that. If anything is meant to happen, it’ll happen when it’s supposed to.”

“Right, say hi to your cats for me.”

Before Brooke could offer a comeback, Vanessa had returned to check in. “You have cats?” She asked brightly. “I just adopted a kitty. Always thought I was a dog person, but that lil thing just sucked me in like,” she made a ‘suction’ noise, making the blonde giggle.

“Cute things do have that effect,” she replied, smiling up at her and batting her lashes.

Vanessa bit back a grin. “You right on that. Everything else good here?” With a positive confirmation, she turned back on her heel and left.

The guys exchanged glances, murmuring amongst themselves. “Okay, maybe you aren’t completely delusional,” Kevin teasingly conceded. “You should definitely say something, though.”

“Not happening.”

“Why? You both seem to like… cats,” he waggled his eyebrows suggestively, making the other men laugh.

Brooke set her napkin on top of her barely-touched meal and finished off her drink. “Just drop it, okay? On the off chance I am misreading the signals, I don’t want to weird her out.”

There was a silently collective decision to drop the subject and pay their separated bills. Some of them took to-go boxes while others, such as Brooke, decided to just leave it.

“Was everything alright? Looks like you ain’t even touch it,” Vanessa observed.

“Oh,” she looked down and cleared her throat, “I just wasn’t very hungry,” she assured kindly. The last thing she wanted after all this was to get the waitress in any sort of trouble. In fact, she made sure that every member of the group tipped their fair share.

“That’s everything then,” Vanessa chirped when she handed out the to-go boxes. “Y’all have a good night,” she said to a polite chorus of ‘you too’.

——

“Yo, B, you got a visitor!” Theo called from the front of the shop. It wasn’t more than twenty minutes before closing, leaving just the two coworkers and their guest.

Brooke pulled herself up from under the car she had been working on. It was an old corvette from the sixties that she was fixing up for a nice elderly man. “Coming!” She called back, admittedly confused. Customers rarely asked for her specifically (and it wasn’t hard to figure out why), but when she did see who it was, she was even more surprised.

“You’re Brooke Lynn, I take it?” Vanessa asked as Theo made a sudden beeline out of the room.

She blinked, nodding. “You wear your uniform in case I forgot who you are?” She laughed, then furrowed her brows. “How’d you find me anyway?”

“Nah, just got off my shift, and I got it from this,” she handed her one of the shop’s business cards that had ‘ask for brooke lynn’ scrawled on the back.

Brooke took the card and looked over her shoulder. “Those little shits,” she chuckled and shook her head before facing the shorter girl again. “I’m sorry, they mean well, but–”

Vanessa waved her hands to draw her attention (and to get her to stop talking). “I wouldn’t have come round if I didn’t wanna see you,” she pointed out. “Y’know, your uniform is pretty sexy too.”

She looked down at her clothes with furrowed brows. Her coveralls were unzipped to her waist and tied around it and she had a white, ribbed tank top that was covered in grease and dirt stains, as was the rest of her exposed skin. Her hair was tied into a high ponytail with a red bandanna covering most of the top of her head. “I’m not so sure about that.”

“Nah I’m bein’ for real, that grease monkey shit is hot.”

Brooke tilted her head, a small smirk playing on her lips. Now, she was in her element. This was her domain. She sauntered past her and grabbed the latch of the garage door, pulling it shut. They could close a few minutes early, she had more important things to attend to. “Then maybe I could take a look under your hood.”

Vanessa snorted. “You lucky you cute with that corny shit,” she leaned against the hood of the frontmost car and beckoned her over with a curled finger.

First, Brooke untied the coveralls around her waist, wiggling out of them and kicking them off. The shorts she had on underneath were probably as short as Vanessas, showing off her long, toned legs as she made her way over. She placed her hands down on either side of the brunette, lowering herself to eye level before leaning in and kissing her deeply, one hand moving to snake around her waist.

It was easy for Vanessa to melt into the kiss. She moved her arms up to drape around her neck, only to be caught off guard when her wrists were grabbed and arms were pinned above her head.

Brooke smirked down at her, keeping her arms pinned with one hand as she kissed down her jaw and neck, littering the expanse of bronze skin with dark purple hickies. She let go of her wrists, using both hands to pull off her shirt before trailing her lips down to her chest, unhooking her bra just as her lips reached one of her nipples.

This wasn’t exactly how Vanessa envisioned this encounter going. Based on how awkward and giggly the other girl had been during their first meeting, she thought for sure she would be walking up on a cute, submissive thing. But she was putty in Brooke’s hands and, to her further surprise, she absolutely loved it. It sent her heart into overdrive and spread goosebumps across her skin.

“God, you’re so fucking beautiful,” she murmured as she alternated between teasing one nipple with her tongue and the other with her fingers. Her free hand hooked into the elastic of her orange shorts and tugged them down as much as she could until she had to use her other hand as well to get the job done.

“Mm, you are too,” Vanessa knocked the bandanna off of her head in the process of taking her hairband out, running her fingers through the mess of blonde hair. Normally she would be deep into dirty talking by now, but something about this girl left her damn near speechless - and that, no pun intended, was saying something.

Brooke shifted, now on her knees in front of her. She swatted Vanessa’s legs apart before kissing up her inner thighs, lips teasingly ghosting over the damp patch on her panties. She smirked when she felt the shudder that ran through her body and looked up, a mischievous glint in her eyes as she slowly pulled down her panties with her teeth.

Vanessa’s entire body felt like it was on fire, her forehead was covered with a thin layer of sweat and both her face and chest were flushed red. It was never this easy to get her so worked up, and in the back of her mind, she had to wonder what the hell it was about her that got under her skin like this.

It didn’t help that Brooke was savoring every whimper and moan she elicited and drew every movement out longer. It felt like ages before her tongue was circling Vanessa’s clit and her finger was easing inside of her, but taking her sweet time to build up a satisfying pace.

Much unlike her usual demeanor, Vanessa was whimpering and whining, her hips pushing her lower body off the car hood and towards her, only to have a calloused hand push down on her hip in a silent command to stay put. And unlike her still, she obeyed.

Brooke finally decided to give her a bit of relief, fucking her with two fingers while fervently licking and sucking on her clit. The more Vanessa trembled and moaned, the more eager she was to please, unable to hide her overwhelming desire to make this pretty girl come.

And boy was that rapidly approaching. Vanessa was finding it harder and harder to keep her hips still, panting and biting down on her knuckles as her body twitched and spasmed, then bucked up sharply when her orgasm finally hit.

But even then, Brooke kept her fingers and tongue working fast and passionately until she was absolutely certain that Vanessa was spent (and maybe a little bit more after that for good measure). She moved her head up from between her thighs and placed a light kiss to her lips, though she lingered a bit before pulling back. “You wanna hit the showers? I got my own personal stall, kind of.”

Vanessa laughed breathlessly. “We both smellin’ rank as hell, huh?” She threw her top and shorts on, just on the off chance that someone popped up between the front of the shop and the showers.

As the two of them cleaned up, Brooke acknowledged that she was in a bit of disbelief. She would have never anticipated getting this out of a trip to Hooters. It made up for the inedible meal and then some.

And she supposed that was why no one was surprised when that was her pick on her turn for the crew’s dinner outing.

[goddessofthundathighs]

VII: WAITING

Suggested Listenings/Songs Mentioned: Overstimulated x Jhené Aiko; Loaded Gun x 6LACK; New Apartment x Ari Lennox

A/N: Instead of writing a separate chapter, the prompt that you picked is in this one @heybriheyyy!

The sound of heels clicking against the black and gold marble floors of the hallway alerted Erik of Skylar’s arrival. The pair had agreed to meet in his office for lunch to discuss his date with O’Shea and other methods of therapy he could implement going forward. For this to be merely a meeting among friends, she was dressed to kill sporting an ivory turtleneck sweater and black pinstripe pencil skirt that hugged her physique in all the right places. On her feet were a pair of black Priyadora Louboutin open-toe sandals and her signature gold wire-rimmed glasses held their usual place atop her head.

She walked in and shut the door behind her, a silent cue for Harper to cancel his appointments for at least the next hour.

“First of all, you’re an ass for leaving her the way you did. I understand that you were upset at her for laughing, but you could’ve handled that so much better.” Erik dropped his head. Though he rectified the situation, he knew that there was no way he would be able to escape Sky’s wrath about how he reacted to his phallus getting caught in Shea’s braces.

“I fixed it!” he declared, throwing his hands up in the air in defeat.

“Oh I know. Disney, huh?” Her lips were twisted into a knowing smirk, much to Erik’s disdain.

“It’s not what you think,” he lied unsuccessfully.

“Oh it’s exactly what I think, Stevens. You’re falling for her.”

“I am not.”

“Then what do you call it?” He paused for a moment, avoiding her face at all cost. He was reluctant to speak because it was a question he had been asking himself ever since he dropped O’Shea off at home the previous Friday. Sky must’ve sensed his dilemma because her demeanor softened as she took a seat in the chair across from him.

“Ok, let’s try this approach: why are you so drawn to her? Is it personal or purely experimental?”

“Is it selfish to say both?”

“Not entirely. Elaborate.”

“I can say that I like her, but it’s the way that I like her and the reasons why that is a mystery at the moment. On a personal level, she’s incredibly smart and beautiful. She challenges me much like you do and I genuinely like being in her company. On a professional level, I’m curious to how each of her personalities react in a true relationship setting. I could use that information to possibly determine why her past relationships failed and ensure that it doesn’t happen again.”

Skylar listened intently as Erik explained before giving her insight to the situation.

“That may be well and good but the fact still remains that she is a patient and a colleague of mine. Are you prepared to completely cross that line or do you want to solely as a means of furthering your research?” She didn’t give him a chance to answer as she continued her lecture. “Furthermore, if you choose the latter, are you prepared to handle the possible blowback? As free as you are with your methods there is still the review board to report to and they will ensure that every step you take is well documented down to the flavor of lube.. and ETHICAL. Tread very softly. I don't wanna see you lose your license over some emotional bullshit that could easily be straightened out.”

“That’s actually the part that scares me the most. I need to figure something out and fast.” Skylar agreed before grabbing her bag.

“Well let me know what you come up with,” she replied as she began making her way out of the office, leaving Erik with his wayward thoughts. He pulled out his phone and scrolled through the text thread between he and O’Shea, chuckling to himself at their playful banter.

“What are you doing to me, Ms. Powell?” he spoke aloud with a sly smile, completely oblivious to the woman that now occupied his office.

“Dr. Stevens?” the young woman spoke, her soft voice causing him to lift his head. She sported a black biker jacket with blue jeans and timberland boots, her hair a curly mess atop her head.

“Yes, how may I help you?” he asked as he sat back in his chair.

“My name is Oya Ramirez. We spoke on the phone briefly the other day.”

“Oh yes, Ms. Ramirez, please have a seat.” Though her smile was bright, her eyes held pain. He could tell that life hadn’t exactly been good to her, but she was trying to make the best out of a bad situation.

“What brings you by, Ms. Ramirez?” he inquired as he sat up straight and grabbed a pen.

“Well, as of late, I've been having trouble achieving orgasms. I know what I like and I know all of the things necessary to get me to that point, but nothing seems to be working. I’ve scared off all of my usual partners because they say that my sex drive is too high and it’s unattractive, which I find absolutely ridiculous.” He looked up with one eyebrow raised, staring at her as though he’d seen a ghost. Everything she said was exactly what O’Shea had told him on their first meeting and he was starting to wonder if he were being Punk’d.

“I read this article in a psychology magazine about how you help women with that sort of thing and I was wondering if you could help me.” Erik couldn’t tell if it was fate or if God had a twisted sense of humor, but this was exactly the sort of thing he needed. He could use the treatment methods he used on O’Shea as a placebo to see if they would truly be practical enough to incorporate into his usual routine. Maybe leveling the playing field would also help him gain clarity of the O’Shea situation.

“Alright Ms. Ramirez, what are your kinks?” As she rattled off the list, he learned that she was a bratty lesbian looking for a dom to tame her.

“Well Ms. Ramirez, my schedule is pretty full at the moment, however, here’s my business partner’s card. She’ll be more than happy to assist you with your needs.”

----------------

“A business trip? For how long?” O’Shea pouted from her seat across from his desk.

“It’s only going to be a week, but in that week I want us to not contact one another. Instead, I want you to try and implement other methods to destress.”

“Did I do something? Was it something I said?” Buttercup begged in a tone so pitiful it almost made Erik cancel the whole trip and cradle her in his arms like the baby she was. He could see Sky in the back of his mind shaking her head and he could hear her saying, "Unhealthy attachment. Transference." And this is exactly why I need to go. We both need clarity.

“I’m not abandoning you, Princess. Trust me, this time next week we’ll be back to our regularly scheduled program and I’ll even have new things for us to try.”

O'Shea blinked at the thought of something new and interesting brought in specifically for her, curiosity softening the blow of temporary abandonment. Afterall, it was only a week and she'd gone longer without attention. She could probably do it again.

The thought crossed her mind to call up Cameron or Michael, past contacts she'd usually turn to in moments when she needed something quick. Neither Bennie, Buttercup, or Bianca would be satisfied, but at least O'Shea would be getting something. However, just as soon as the thought came, it left again. They just weren't worth it, besides there was something sexy and a little charming about waiting. Maybe distance would make their hearts grow fonder.

“Okay, I guess I can deal with that. Just don’t be tryna replace me while you’re gone,” she fake pouted.

“Someone sounds possessive,” he teased as he lead her out of his office, his hands by his side as to not complicate things further. She merely smiled, and continued out to her car, trying hard not to let the bratty beast within her loose before their little experiment had even began.

“Not possessive, just confident. There’s only one O’Shea Powell, Dr. Stevens. Have a safe trip.”

With that, she slid into the driver’s seat of her Benz and drove off into the sunset, leaving Erik yearning to be in her presence once again.

Crushing the line // cutting the line // crossing the line// Bumps in the night // Got me over here overstimulated // Crushing the line // cutting the line // crossing the line // Bumps in the night // Got me, got me over here, over

The first day without Erik was quiet. O’Shea went to work and back home and curled up with a book to ease her mind, her Something Chill playlist playing softly in the background. Though she didn’t want to believe that it was her fault that Erik had left, that’s where her mind kept drifting. She tried to convince herself that their interactions were nothing more than patient/client, she couldn’t ignore the obvious. Regardless of what was going on, no one would willingly purchase a Pandora bracelet or any other token of affection if there weren’t some feelings involved. Could it be that he too felt what she was feeling and was distancing himself to put those feelings into clarity? If so, then why wouldn’t they just talk things out like adults? Separation only gives way to doubt and doubt ruins everything. O’Shea sighed and closed her book. This week was about to be a long one.

“Ade due Damballa, give me the power I beg of you! Leveau mercier du bois chaloitte. Seciose entinne mais pois de morte. Morteisma--”

“Girl, what the hell are you doing?” O’Shea stopped mid-chant and opened one eye to find Skylar standing over her, one eyebrow raised in suspicion.

“I was tryna bring my nigga back, damn,” O’Shea pouted, placing the Pandora bracelet back on her wrist. Skylar doubled over in laughter at the meek woman before her. Erik had only been gone 2 days and she was already acting crazy.

“First of all, stop it, you look stupid. That only works for the transference of spirits and you need the actual Heart of Damballa in order for it to work.”

“I keep forgetting you a wholeass Creole voodoo priestess in your spare time,” O’Shea remarked, pulling out her sketchbook to draw more prototypes.

“And you’re acting like a lovesick puppy.”

“I don’t know what it is, Sky. Like aside from the bomb ass head, I actually miss our conversations. He listened to me, made me laugh. Hell he was the first man in a while that actually cared about how my day was going and how I was feeling throughout the day. I know that’s his job as a therapist and all, but something about it seemed different.”

“Do you think you’re possibly starting to grow feelings for him?”

“Absolutely not!” Shea lied. In actuality, it was a thought she’d mulled over several times since their Disney adventure.

“Why do y’all insist on lying to me? Tell me what’s going on with you,” Sky said, pulling up a chair beside her. O’Shea sighed heavily, not really wanting to expose her true feelings, but Skylar wasn’t just anyone. She was a confidant and also a neutral source. If anyone could help Shea sort through her emotions, it would be her.

“I honestly don’t know how to explain it. Like on one hand, he’s strictly my therapist. Someone more than qualified to help me address my current issues and find and adequate solution. On the other hand, he’s Erik. An incredibly smart and equally handsome man that has put me in my place more times in the last few months than I can remember. I haven’t even laid eyes on the dick yet and I’m already acting like a prized poodle in the Westminster Kennel Club. When he says jump, I want to ask how high and that scares me. Instead of being turned off or annoyed by my little personalities, he embraces and nurtures them in a healthy way and I’m having a hard time distinguishing whether he’s this way because he genuinely wants to be or because, as a doctor, he has to be.” Skylar nodded, absorbing everything that O’Shea had to say before adding her two cents.

“So, I’ll ask again, are you growing feelings him? Before you answer, think about this: if you are growing feelings, are you capable of continuing a professional relationship with him if those feelings aren’t reciprocated?” O’Shea hadn’t thought about the fact that Erik may not feel the same and hearing it now had her stomach in knots. Skylar sensed her dilemma and continued her speech.

“Now I’m not asking this to scare you or to send you off the deep end with your emotions, but I’m being realistic. I honestly think you two need time apart so you both can get clarity of the situation as well as come to terms with whatever y’all are both feeling towards one another.

“He’s going to Wakanda for a week. He suggested that we not call or text one another the entire trip, something about finding other methods to destress.” Leave it to Erik to already be three steps ahead.

“Good. While he’s gone, I have a yoga class I think you’ll be interested in and we can go together.”

“Eww, I hate yoga,” Shea complained.

“You’ll enjoy this, trust me.”

----------------

The sunset in Wakanda was always the most beautiful part of visiting his aunt and cousins. It had been a few years since he’d visited the advanced nation and each time, something new caught his attention. This time, it was the customizations she had made to T’Challa’s Black Panther suit that caught his eye. She had added a stealth mode, meaning he could go invisible if needed be when he was in battle. His younger cousin never ceased to amaze him with her genius nature. One he’d gotten his belongings put away, he set out to find his aunt Ramonda. She was his second mother and if anyone could help him gain clarity of his current predicament, it was her. He found her seated in the floating tea room that overlooked the lush garden at the center of the palace. It was her one of her favorite places in the palace. She always came here when she wanted to get away and clear her head. She was adorned in a white Wakandan lace robe with a matching headdress.

“Auntie, can I talk to you about something?” She beamed, giving him a knowing smile before beckoning him to sit down beside her. She took his hand into her own and squeezed it gently, letting him know that he could speak freely.

“Tell me about her,” was all she said, noting the troubled look in his eyes.

“Who said a girl was involved?” She stared up at him incredulously before chuckling.

“You ask that as though I do not know you, N’Jadaka. You’ve checked your phone every 10 minutes since you got here and I can always read the trouble behind your eyes. Now, tell me about her.” He sighed, hating that he could never hide anything from his aunt.

“It’s one of my clients, I think I’m falling for her.” Ramonda chuckled softly to herself as she studied Erik. She could tell that the topic was a difficult one for him, noting the way he tugged nervously at a lone dreadlock that hung loosely in his face.

“Didn’t you say that you’d never get involved with one of your patients because it’s messy and unprofessional? What changed your mind?”

“I don't know Auntie. There’s something different about this girl. She intrigues me on a level that no other woman has before. She’s witty, and the culmination of her different personalities create a very interesting and sharp young lady," he smiled recounting the times her mouth had been quicker than he could anticipate.

"The man is asked to explain his attraction and he talks about multiple personalities," Shuri tsks making her presence known.

“Obviously I am needed! N'Jadaka!" Her hand clapped hard onto his back as she stood between him and the queen gazing out into the garden ahead.

"Figure out if she is an experiment, a patient, or a lover, but don’t use her to fill your emotional gaps. You’re a jerk if you do,” Shuri scolded before heading back towards her laboratory. "Thank me later," she called as she disappeared from sight. Erik stared after her for a beat before turning back to his aunt to squeezed his hand once more.

“She may be young, but she is wise beyond her years and she knows what she’s talking about. I can give you all of the advice in the world, but at the end of the day, it’s your decision to make. Lord knows we don’t want another Lynda situation,” the Queen concluded as she stood.

She stepped to the side and followed Shuri's path to the exit leaving Erik to gaze solemnly out over the garden and into the grand horizon. He thought back to his relationship with Lynda and how it ended, concluding with himself that O’Shea definitely wasn’t a Lynda. She was an enigma, but a goddess in her own right. She deserved someone that could give her his whole heart and love her as hard as he knew she loved. She deserved to be catered to and spoiled, but also disciplined whenever she stepped out of line; she was a submissive after all. She deserved a lover and a provider and he wasn’t sure that he could be all of those things for her, but he was more than willing to try.

“Dammit. I think I’m in love.” He whipped out his phone and called Skylar, remembering some things he forgot to tell her before he left.

“Wassup lover boy? Miss me already?”

“I always miss you, Nola,” he smirked, hearing her soft gasp at the nickname he hadn’t used since college.

“Real funny, Stevens. To what pleasure do I owe this phone call?”

“I know you don’t really do therapy, but I referred you to someone, Oya Ramirez. She suffers from the same symptoms as our bipolar beauty minus the other personalities and I figured she’d be a good experiment for you. She should be stopping by some time this week.”

“Oya Ramirez,” Skylar repeated, jotting the name down in her notebook for reference. “Got it. Anything else?”

“Nah, that’s it. I’ll be back in a few days. How my girl?”

“Oh, now she’s your girl?”

“You know what I mean. She doing ok?”

“She’s pretty good. We’ve got a yoga date tomorrow.”

“Yoga? She hates yoga.”

“There’s weed involved.”

“Ah,” he states with a nod. “I knew there had to be a catch, but yoga’s good. Good way to get her mind off things.”

“I’m well aware, Dr. Stevens. I’ll keep you posted on her progress.”

“Thanks, Nola. I owe you one.”

“You’re eternally indebted to me, Stevens. I thought we had this discussion already.”

“You right. I’ll make sure I bring you back something dope. Peace.” Erik ended the call and returned to his suite in the palace. It was a room he’d tried and failed to duplicate in his condo back in LA. The color scheme was black, white, and gold with a huge Alaskan king bed trimmed in black and gold in the center of the room. The walls were decorated with paintings of African and Egyptian royalty, including Queen Nefertiti and Anubis from Egyptian mythology. A large floor length mirror hung on the back of his bedroom door and his closet was its own ensuite. The floor was black and gold heated marble, the inspiration to the floor in his office and the ceiling changed to mimic the sky outside, no matter the time of day. He undressed and slipped under the covers, trying and failing to keep his mind from drifting to the current object of his affection as 6LACK‘s mellow voice filled the room.

I got women callin’ my phone like I owe them some’ // It’s kinda my fault // I guess I showed them some’ // No shit, I treat my dick just like a loaded gun // Point that shit away // These hoes gon’ blow what comes

He shook his head, smiling softly at the image of her little pout and the way her eyes lit up when he surprised her with the Pandora bracelet. He would give anything to see her smile the way she smiled that night again. The slight dip of the bed caused Erik to raise his head, only to drop it back against the pillow one he realized who the intruder was.

“I missed you too, Massika,” he murmured as the jaguar made her way up the bed and to her usual spot beside him. She purred softly, rubbing her nose against his face before settling down beside him. She had been his baby ever since he’d rescued her from poachers the last time he visited. Everywhere he went, Massika followed and he made a mental note to introduce her to O’Shea once they were official.

--------------------

Today felt different. The sunlight crept through the large bow window, casting an ethereal glow throughout the bedroom. O’Shea woke roughly 20 minutes before her alarm, something that typically only happened when she was stressed. She stretched and said her morning affirmations before finally slipping out of bed, a small smile creeping across her face.

“Hey Alexa, play Something Chill.” As the device came to life, O’Shea retired to her bathroom and allowed Ari Lennox’s smooth voice to help her get ready for the day.

Pop my woo-hah in the sky // ‘Cause nobody here to judge my life // Leave the dishes in the sink // Do some cartwheels // “Cause my furniture ain’t came // Standard shipping thing // I just got a new apartment // I’m gon’ leave the floor wet // Walk around this bitch naked // And nobody can tell me shit

Since she was awake early, she decided to indulge in a relaxing bath with her newest bath bomb from Lush, called Royalty. The floral scent of the bomb permeated the bathroom before being replaced by a hint of vanilla and sandalwood. She watched as the water turned from a warm golden to soft red and green before slipping into the water. She loved how soft the soy milk powder left her skin, smoother than a baby’s ass fresh from its mother’s womb. After a 30-minute soak, she retired from her bath to get dressed, choosing to slick her curls up into a high puff while sporting a white, floral mini dress and a jean jacket. She felt good, a genuine smile crossed her face as she glanced down at the Pandora bracelet that rested in the center of her jewelry box for the past 3 days. She’d chosen not to wear it, fearing that she would be plagued with thoughts of Erik and be tempted to call or text him. Thanks to Skylar, the week had gone by a lot faster than she’d expected and he was due back home within the next few hours. A quick swipe of her Fenty gloss bomb and she was out the door, a newfound pep in her step.

The jingle of the shop’s bell pulled Shea from her sketchbook. She looked up to find a short, light-skinned woman coming over to the counter. Her hair was braided into cornrows and she wore a white cropped hoodie, blue jean shorts, and white Fila tennis shoes.

“Hello. My name is Oya Ramirez. I was sent here by Dr. Erik Stevens. He told me to ask for Skylar.” O’Shea regarded the young woman for a bit before walking to the back to get Sky.

“Oh Ms. Ramirez, Dr. Stevens told me you’d be stopping by. Follow me this way.” Oya complied, walking with Sky to the back of the store. O’Shea smirked, watching the way Skylar’s eyes followed every move Oya made until they had disappeared somewhere among the tall shelves. Once they were gone, O’Shea turned her attention back to her sketchbook. Since the dildo generator had been approved, Sky had tasked O’Shea with designing preset models that could be customized for potential clients that didn’t want to design their own tool from scratch. Just as she was getting back into her groove, the bell jingled again.

“Hello, welcome to —”

The cocoa skinned woman held up her hand to silence Shea.

“I’m Monica, where’s Skylar?” Almost on cue, Sky emerged from the back of the store with Oya, both giggling like schoolgirls. Once Sky’s eyes met Monica’s however, her smile faded.

“Baby!” Monica tried, attempting to throw her arms around Sky’s neck, but stopping once she saw the death glare Sky was giving.

“Oya, call me tomorrow with updates. O’Shea, take your break.”

“But I just got here,” O’Shea complained.

“I said take a break!” Sky repeated, raising her voice slightly to emphasize her point. Shea seemed to take the hint, leaving Sky and Monica alone in the shop.

TAGS: @vikkidc @thadelightfulone @sydneebleu @trevantesbrat @madamslayyy @chaneajoyyy @jozigrrl @thehomierobbstark @amethyst1993 @iamrheaspeaks @mareethequeen @forbeautyandlife @whatmoredoyouwantamericaa @blowmymbackout @wakanda-inspired @nickidub718 @heyauntieeee @princessstevens @bartierbakarimobisson @xaviera108 @alexundefined @raysunshine78 @dameshaemonique @laketaj24 @youreadthatright @theogbadbitch @bugngiz @amirra88 @post-woke @im5ftbutmythroat66 @blackpinup22 @maya-leche @blessyd-bthyname @unholyxcumbucket @eclecticblkgirl @kissmyafropuff

TAGS DON’T WORK: @beaut1fulone-blog @chefjessypooh @queengidiva619 @love-me22 @honey-poooh @diva-Princess-on-fleek @heybriheyyy

[missjanjie]

Branjie Fic | Baby, You Can Drive My Car

Title: Baby, You Can Drive My Car Summary: Brooke Lynn is a mechanic that has never been thrilled when her coworker picks Hooters as the spot for their weekly dinner. That is, until, she meets a waitress that brings out a whole other side of her. And maybe that waitress finds out something about herself as well. Word Count: ~2.8k Relationship: Branjie (Brooke Lynn Hytes/Vanessa Vanjie Mateo) Rating: E

Read on AO3

Brooke Lynn pushed the hood of the car down and exhaled deeply. One hand steadied herself by pressing against the cool metal while the other wiped her brow, streaking her forehead with grease. There was a rag right beside her, but it’d been dirtied after a long day’s work - just like the rest of her torso, the sacrifice she made when she pushed her coveralls down and tied them around her waist.

“Ay, BL, hit the showers!” A coverall-clad man tossed a towel at her. “We’re going out to eat, it’s Theo’s turn to pick, so you know what that means.”

Of course she did, and with a roll of her eyes and a dry laugh, she replied “Wouldn’t miss it for the world,” before heading into the locker room to shower up.

Well, ‘locker room’ was perhaps a bit generous. It was more like a prison bathroom with open, communal showers - save for one that had a makeshift curtain built around it - that was Brooke’s shower. She had to admit, there was an actual effort made, and she appreciated having some semblance of privacy and not having to drive home with a full layer of grime.

Beyond that, Brooke never felt too singled out at work, even though she was never unaware that she was the only female mechanic in the auto shop. The guys made a point of including her, and part of that was including her in their weekly dinners out. When it was her turn, she would try to expand her coworkers’ palettes - something they were surprisingly receptive towards.

On the other hand, their restaurant choices often fell into a repetitive pattern. Such is the case with Theo, who would only ever pick Hooters for their meal. When asked if he may want to reconsider with a mixed company, he shrugged it off with “She likes chicks too, it’s fine!”

And Brooke, in turn, never voiced any complaints. The food was subpar, but sometimes she liked to indulge in that sort of greasy, fried food. As far as the waitstaff? Well, she was conflicted. As an empathetic feminist, she would find herself concerned - were the girls being treated well? Was there proper recourse when reporting harassment? As a lesbian, however… She understood the appeal.

She was the last one out of the showers because even with the curtain, she still preferred to shower alone. All of the good intentions in the world couldn’t change the fact that being naked around men made her skin crawl. No one ever seemed to question her on this either, though she was occasionally subjected to playful jabs about keeping the guys waiting.

Once they arrived at the restaurant, the group of six was seated promptly, and everything seemed to be business as usual.

Then their waitress came over.

She was shorter than the average waitress, but the energy that radiated from her made up for it. Her warm, brown eyes and dimpled smile could easily captivate anyone, but while Brooke Lynn’s colleagues were pleasantly content, she felt the air leave her lungs and the heat rise to her cheeks.

“You gonna tell me what you wanna drink, sweetie?”

Oh, shit, had she been staring that long? She sat upright and cleared her throat. “Right, sorry. I’ll have an iced tea. Thank you…” she leaned forward to look at the nametag - and just the nametag, of course. “Vanessa.”

Vanessa smirked, pressing her lips together as she tilted her head to toss her thick, dark waves of hair off her shoulder. “Coming right up,” she hummed, then turned on her heel to retreat to the kitchen.

The men at the table turned their attention to Brooke as soon as Vanessa had left, some confused, others amused. “Who are you and what the fuck did you do with Brooke?” One of them asked.

Brooke’s eyes did not leave the menu, pointedly so. “Don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“I always wondered what your type was,” Kevin remarked. “It makes sense, you got taste. Though I doubt a lesbian could stomach working here.”

“You don’t know that,” she scoffed. “Lesbians are stronger than you give us credit for, not just in the literal sense.”

Ryan quirked his brow. “What, so you can tell she likes chicks? Or is it wishful thinking?”

Brooke blushed and looked down. Maybe it was wishful thinking. What were the odds that the most beautiful girl she had ever seen would not only be her waitress, but a fellow queer lady as well? She knew better than to get her hopes up, logically, but when that waitress returned with the drinks, logic was just out of the question.

“Y’all decided on what you’re getting?”

And like before, the guys placed their orders with no issue. But once again, Brooke was flustered and tongue tied, scrambling to find something appetizing to throw out there. “I um...I’ll have the shrimp and spinach salad.”

Vanessa nodded, reading the orders back to the group to make sure everything was correct. “I’ll get this right in,” she hummed, giving Brooke’s shoulder a light squeeze.

Another waitress stopped Vanessa on her way back from dropping the order off. “You know you’re supposed to do that innocent touchy shit with the guys, right?”

“You gotta chill and let me enjoy one damn six-top,” she huffed and rolled her eyes. “‘Sides, my dyke senses were tingling, so it still counts.”

“Dyke senses?”

“Only straight people say ‘gaydar’, and they don’t even have it.”

Her coworker just rolled her eyes. “Long as they tip the same,” she retorted before leaving with a tray of plates.

Vanessa scoffed. “Straight girls don’t know shit,” she muttered to herself. If there was one thing she knew, it was when someone was fawning over her. It wasn’t exactly an uncommon occurrence in her line of work, after all. And sure, straight men and not-straight women express it differently, but as she would explain it - the vibe was all the same.

The train of thought she was on came to a halt by the sound of a bell dinging behind her. “Vanjie! Got the order for table eighteen,” one of the line cooks called out.

“Got it!” She confirmed, loading up the serving tray and taking the meticulously balanced walk across the restaurant to serve the customers. “Enjoy,” she chirped pleasantly, but threw a subtle wink in Brooke Lynn’s direction.

“You guys saw that, right?” Brooke asked once they were alone.

“Saw what?”

“She winked at me. Told you I was onto something.”

“No you didn’t.”

She huffed. Those guys wouldn’t pay attention to anything unless it was in a car or a bikini. Whatever, she knew what she saw and went on to eat her food while trying to think about what her next move should be.

But as if he could read her thoughts, Theo piped up with “So, what’re you gonna do about it? You know, if you’re so convinced she’s into you or whatever.”

Brooke shrugged, poking around at her food. The shrimp was overcooked and the spinach was sad and wilted from being egregiously overdressed with a too-bitter balsamic. “You know how wildly inappropriate it is to hit on someone while they’re at work, right?” There was a deafening silence from the rest of the table. “Right?”

“Cassie and I met at her job,” Ryan defended quietly.

She pinched the bridge of her nose. “Regardless, I’m not going to put her on the spot like that. If anything is meant to happen, it’ll happen when it’s supposed to.”

“Right, say hi to your cats for me.”

Before Brooke could offer a comeback, Vanessa had returned to check in. “You have cats?” She asked brightly. “I just adopted a kitty. Always thought I was a dog person, but that lil thing just sucked me in like,” she made a ‘suction’ noise, making the blonde giggle.

“Cute things do have that effect,” she replied, smiling up at her and batting her lashes.

Vanessa bit back a grin. “You right on that. Everything else good here?” With a positive confirmation, she turned back on her heel and left.

The guys exchanged glances, murmuring amongst themselves. “Okay, maybe you aren’t completely delusional,” Kevin teasingly conceded. “You should definitely say something, though.”

“Not happening.”

“Why? You both seem to like… cats,” he waggled his eyebrows suggestively, making the other men laugh.

Brooke set her napkin on top of her barely-touched meal and finished off her drink. “Just drop it, okay? On the off chance I am misreading the signals, I don’t want to weird her out.”

There was a silently collective decision to drop the subject and pay their separated bills. Some of them took to-go boxes while others, such as Brooke, decided to just leave it.

“Was everything alright? Looks like you ain’t even touch it,” Vanessa observed.

“Oh,” she looked down and cleared her throat, “I just wasn’t very hungry,” she assured kindly. The last thing she wanted after all this was to get the waitress in any sort of trouble. In fact, she made sure that every member of the group tipped their fair share.

“That’s everything then,” Vanessa chirped when she handed out the to-go boxes. “Y’all have a good night,” she said to a polite chorus of ‘you too’.

------

“Yo, B, you got a visitor!” Theo called from the front of the shop. It wasn’t more than twenty minutes before closing, leaving just the two coworkers and their guest.

Brooke pulled herself up from under the car she had been working on. It was an old corvette from the sixties that she was fixing up for a nice elderly man. “Coming!” She called back, admittedly confused. Customers rarely asked for her specifically (and it wasn’t hard to figure out why), but when she did see who it was, she was even more surprised.

“You’re Brooke Lynn, I take it?” Vanessa asked as Theo made a sudden beeline out of the room.

She blinked, nodding. “You wear your uniform in case I forgot who you are?” She laughed, then furrowed her brows. “How’d you find me anyway?”

“Nah, just got off my shift, and I got it from this,” she handed her one of the shop’s business cards that had ‘ask for brooke lynn’ scrawled on the back.

Brooke took the card and looked over her shoulder. “Those little shits,” she chuckled and shook her head before facing the shorter girl again. “I’m sorry, they mean well, but--”

Vanessa waved her hands to draw her attention (and to get her to stop talking). “I wouldn’t have come round if I didn’t wanna see you,” she pointed out. “Y’know, your uniform is pretty sexy too.”

She looked down at her clothes with furrowed brows. Her coveralls were unzipped to her waist and tied around it and she had a white, ribbed tank top that was covered in grease and dirt stains, as was the rest of her exposed skin. Her hair was tied into a high ponytail with a red bandanna covering most of the top of her head. “I’m not so sure about that.”

“Nah I’m bein’ for real, that grease monkey shit is hot.”

Brooke tilted her head, a small smirk playing on her lips. Now, she was in her element. This was her domain. She sauntered past her and grabbed the latch of the garage door, pulling it shut. They could close a few minutes early, she had more important things to attend to. “Then maybe I could take a look under your hood.”

Vanessa snorted. “You lucky you cute with that corny shit,” she leaned against the hood of the frontmost car and beckoned her over with a curled finger.

First, Brooke untied the coveralls around her waist, wiggling out of them and kicking them off. The shorts she had on underneath were probably as short as Vanessas, showing off her long, toned legs as she made her way over. She placed her hands down on either side of the brunette, lowering herself to eye level before leaning in and kissing her deeply, one hand moving to snake around her waist.

It was easy for Vanessa to melt into the kiss. She moved her arms up to drape around her neck, only to be caught off guard when her wrists were grabbed and arms were pinned above her head.

Brooke smirked down at her, keeping her arms pinned with one hand as she kissed down her jaw and neck, littering the expanse of bronze skin with dark purple hickies. She let go of her wrists, using both hands to pull off her shirt before trailing her lips down to her chest, unhooking her bra just as her lips reached one of her nipples.

This wasn’t exactly how Vanessa envisioned this encounter going. Based on how awkward and giggly the other girl had been during their first meeting, she thought for sure she would be walking up on a cute, submissive thing. But she was putty in Brooke’s hands and, to her further surprise, she absolutely loved it. It sent her heart into overdrive and spread goosebumps across her skin.

“God, you’re so fucking beautiful,” she murmured as she alternated between teasing one nipple with her tongue and the other with her fingers. Her free hand hooked into the elastic of her orange shorts and tugged them down as much as she could until she had to use her other hand as well to get the job done.

“Mm, you are too,” Vanessa knocked the bandanna off of her head in the process of taking her hairband out, running her fingers through the mess of blonde hair. Normally she would be deep into dirty talking by now, but something about this girl left her damn near speechless - and that, no pun intended, was saying something.

Brooke shifted, now on her knees in front of her. She swatted Vanessa’s legs apart before kissing up her inner thighs, lips teasingly ghosting over the damp patch on her panties. She smirked when she felt the shudder that ran through her body and looked up, a mischievous glint in her eyes as she slowly pulled down her panties with her teeth.

Vanessa’s entire body felt like it was on fire, her forehead was covered with a thin layer of sweat and both her face and chest were flushed red. It was never this easy to get her so worked up, and in the back of her mind, she had to wonder what the hell it was about her that got under her skin like this.

It didn’t help that Brooke was savoring every whimper and moan she elicited and drew every movement out longer. It felt like ages before her tongue was circling Vanessa’s clit and her finger was easing inside of her, but taking her sweet time to build up a satisfying pace.

Much unlike her usual demeanor, Vanessa was whimpering and whining, her hips pushing her lower body off the car hood and towards her, only to have a calloused hand push down on her hip in a silent command to stay put. And unlike her still, she obeyed.

Brooke finally decided to give her a bit of relief, fucking her with two fingers while fervently licking and sucking on her clit. The more Vanessa trembled and moaned, the more eager she was to please, unable to hide her overwhelming desire to make this pretty girl come.

And boy was that rapidly approaching. Vanessa was finding it harder and harder to keep her hips still, panting and biting down on her knuckles as her body twitched and spasmed, then bucked up sharply when her orgasm finally hit.

But even then, Brooke kept her fingers and tongue working fast and passionately until she was absolutely certain that Vanessa was spent (and maybe a little bit more after that for good measure). She moved her head up from between her thighs and placed a light kiss to her lips, though she lingered a bit before pulling back. “You wanna hit the showers? I got my own personal stall, kind of.”

Vanessa laughed breathlessly. “We both smellin’ rank as hell, huh?” She threw her top and shorts on, just on the off chance that someone popped up between the front of the shop and the showers.

As the two of them cleaned up, Brooke acknowledged that she was in a bit of disbelief. She would have never anticipated getting this out of a trip to Hooters. It made up for the inedible meal and then some.

And she supposed that was why no one was surprised when that was her pick on her turn for the crew’s dinner outing.

[purplesurveys]

646

Name Eight (I’ll be using the last eight people I messaged because Facebook Messenger is where everybody’s at in this part of the world lmao)

One

What is their name?: Rita! Literally one of the sweetest people I know.

How old are they?: She’s a year younger than me, so that makes her 20.

How long have you known them?: A year and a half would be a safe guess. She applied for my org in mid-2018.

Do they have any siblings?: Yes, she has three sisters and one brother, and all their names start with R.

Do they work out regularly?: I’m pretty sure she’s not the gym kind of girl.

Are they a good singer?: Anyone’s a better singer than me so I’m gonna say yes.

Where were they born?: A wild guess would be Pasig.

What was the last thing you said to them out-loud?: I had a BAD migraine last night and she was asking me something work-related so all I remember is that I gave her a half-assed, distracted answer and then I immediately apologized and explained that I was having a rough headache.

Two

What is their name?: Laurice.

How old are they?: She’s also a year younger, making her 20.

How long have you known them?: We applied for our org at the same time so we were part of the same batch, and that was in mid-2017.

Do they have any siblings? Names?: Yep, a younger sister named Yana and a younger brother named Lorenz.

When did you last talk to them?: Online, an hour and a half ago. Personally, it was around 1 PM today when I had to leave for class and I was grumbling to her how much I hated that class.

Do they use Myspace often?: I doubt she was the type to get hooked to Myspace that early, or at all.

Do they go to your school?: We went to different schools in elementary and high school, but now she’s my coursemate in UP.

Have they ever lied to you?: I don’t think she knows how to, haha. She’s super wholesome.

Three

What is their name?: Jo.

How old are they?: These first three people are all 1999 babies, so the takeaways here are that they’re all 20, and that I’m hella old.

How long have you known them? Like Laurice, we were batchmates in applying for our current org and we all met each other mid-2017.

Do they have any siblings? Names?: She’s an only child.

What was the last thing you did with them?: We had a late lunch in Skywalk and exchanged Catholic all-girls school horror stories about how strict our high school teachers were about girls having short hair or being caught in a lesbian relationship.

Have they ever betrayed your trust?: I don’t remember ever being super pissed with her, so I guess not.

Do they play in a band?: I don’t think she’s ever been the type to be in a band.

What colour do they look good in?: Ooh I’m not so sure, I don’t usually observe her outfits. She has a chestnutty top that I like on her, so I’ll go with shades of brown.

Four

What is their name?: Aya.

How old are they?: Finally somebody older than me! She’s 23.

How long have you known them?: Also an org batchmate, so meeting her in mid-2017 would make it two and a half years. It certainly feel like I’ve known her, Jo, and Laurice for ages though.

Do they have any siblings? Names? She has a sister and *I THINK* a brother? I’m 100% sure she has an older sister though.

Do you ever talk to them on the phone?: On a cellphone yes. Not on landline.

What is their Zodiac sign?: Lmao this question is perfectly positioned considering of the four people I’ve listed so far, she and Jo are the biggest astronomy nerds. Aya was born December 5th, and that means she’s *let me Google it first* a Sagittarius.

Are you related to them?: Nope.

Do they own an iPod?: She’s not a big Apple fan so my best guess is that she had an MP3, but not an iPod.

Five

What is their name?: Kate.

How old are they?: She was born on the first day of 1999. Which makes a lot of sense because she honestly feels more like a 1998 person to me. But yeah, she just turned 21.

How long have you known them?: Org batchmate, again – two and a half years.

Do they have any siblings? Names?: She has a younger brother but I always forget his name.

Do they text a lot?: It’s not her preferred platform but she replies if she has to; I talk to her on Messenger way more.

Do they live near you?: A little bit. She’s the only other Rizal girl in our friend group while everyone else lives in Metro Manila, so there’s a level of solidarity in that hahaha.

Do you know what they’re doing right now?: She’s either on her way home from work, or is currently chilling at home. Or drinking out – who knows? I’m not super updated on her life now since she graduated, but I am seeing her tomorrow so yay.

Are they a sporty type of person?: Not at all, that girl’s a STICK haha.

Six

What is their name?: Gabie.

How old are they?: Same age as me, 21.

How long have you known them?: I have known her, technically, for 18 years; but we weren’t formally introduced until nine years ago, in 2011.

Do they have any siblings? Names?: Yeah she has two younger sisters.

What sort of phone do they have?: iPhone 7 Plus, if I’m not mistaken.

Are their parents separated or divorced?: Neither.

Can you tell them anything?: Of course. I’d be pretty scared about our relationship if there are stuff I can’t bring up with her.

Have you ever been in any of their classes?: We study in different universities. Back in high school, we only got to be in the same section once.

Seven

What is their name?: JM.

How old are they?: He’s currently 21, but will be turning 22.

How long have you known them?: Two and a half years. And it is in this survey that I realized that majority of the people I talk to are my org batchmates, hah.

Do they have any siblings? Names?: A younger brother, Gab; and a younger sister, Jana (but it’s pronounced as Hannah).

Do they live in a big house?: Yes. He’s pretty well-off, given that his dad is a lawyer/professor, and his mom is a judge. Their house is filled with paintings and antiques as well, which is super cool to me.

Who is their favourite music artist?: It’s all over the place I think. But when I played The Japanese House out loud once, he sang along so I’m guessing his music taste is pretty decent based from that lol.

Have you ever been on vacation with them?: Nah.

Are they allergic to anything?: I don’t think so.

Eight

What is their name?: My cousin, Jereth. He prefers to be called Gage, but to family he’s Jereth and more specifically, he’s Kuya to me.

How old are they?: Also 21 but turning 22 this year.

How long have you known them?: Ever since I got out of the womb.

Do they have any siblings? Names?: Yes, he has a younger brother, Elijah.

Are they online often?: Not really. He’s pretty busy with work so while he comes up every now and then on my Facebook feed, we communicate mostly through text.

Do they have pets? Names?: Nope. He’s crazy about my dog though, and he’s always looking forward to whenever I have to drop Kimi off at their place when my family goes on vacations.

Do you hang out with them regularly?: We lived under the same roof for the first nine years of my life, so that’s as regular as it gets. These days, I’ll probably see him once every 1-2 months.

Do they like Justin Bieber?: Not at all.

[thoseflashinggreeneyes]

Themes of secrecy in Reputation

Anyone who’s remotely paying attention knows that Reputation is absolutely brimming with references to secrets, duality, double meanings and private revelations. The album explores these ideas from a lot of different perspectives, and I thought it would be useful to get some analysis in one place. Let’s take it song by song, shall we? 

“...Ready For It?” -- This song has obvious public/private parallels that I’ve written about before, with the verses tracking Taylor’s dark public bearding and the choruses tracking her light, airy private loves. (ht @bikertaylor for being the first to point out to me that the verses and choruses seemed to be tracking two different ideas.) The theme of secrecy that I’m interested in exploring here, though, is even more personal: When Taylor writes, “In the middle of the night, in my dreams, I know I’m gonna be with you, so I take my time,” she’s writing about a hope so dear to her heart that it’s buried in her subconscious, bubbling to the surface only in her dreams. (Of course, a dream can also reference a wish or a fantasy, but I think the literal meaning is interesting here and shouldn’t be overlooked.) If you read this song as a conflict between Taylor and her own inner desires, fighting to break free, the music video can be read more literally as well: This song is about a fight Taylor’s having with herself. The battle rages within her own heart, and the “you” in the title might refer to us (her fans, the world) being ready for her to reveal her secrets -- but it might also refer to whether Taylor herself is ready. 

“Endgame” -- The line that piques my interest here is, “I bury hatchets, but I keep maps of where I put ‘em.” The first reading here is about her seeming apologies for her public dramas, a joke that she forgives but doesn’t forget. Many of those dramas, though, concern heartbreaks and bearding narratives -- and I’m really interested in the idea that each of these might be considered a hatchet, a weapon, an instrument of pain but also a tool of survival. She buries these hatchets one by one, but she doesn’t forget them, and they become a map of her psyche,

“I Did Something Bad” -- The line that sticks out here is, “For every lie I tell them, they tell me three.” A lie is of course one kind of secret, and it’s telling that Taylor and her “boyfriends” so regularly keep secrets from one another. Additionally, I like the way “every lie I tell them” might connote that she’s telling the same lie over and over -- namely, the lie about the true nature of her feelings and their relationship.

“Don’t Blame Me” -- This song is absolutely rife with themes of darkness, secrets, and hidden truths, and I love how these references are overlaid with religious iconography: “the darkest little paradise,” “halo hiding my obsession,” “I would fall from grace just to touch your face.” This song is also a continuation of Taylor reckoning with her own desires: “Lord save me, my drug is my baby, I’ll be usin’ for the rest of my life” isn’t a lyric about wanting to return to her past self, the one who plays by the rules; this is a plea to find acceptance for who she is and who she intends to be for the rest of her life. That’s why this song makes more sense as an LGBTQ narrative than, for example, a song about pre-marital sex -- once you get married, you would return to the “halo” state of playing by the rules, but if your “baby” is a queer relationship, you can’t play by the rules without changing who you are. That’s why Taylor’s name is whatever you decide, and that’s how she changed from an existence that was poisonous to herself and others into a daisy, a symbol of innocence. She’s using words associated with nature (and therefore associated with paganism and lesbianism) to redefine the traditional religious ideas of innocence and sin, darkness and light.

“Delicate” --  This is a song about a literal secret relationship (or the beginning of one), so of course I’m more interested here in the metaphorical lines, namely “Is it chill that you’re in my head?” and “Are you ever dreaming of me?” In this song, the first on the album that seems grounded in specific details of Taylor’s current relationship, Taylor is creating a distinction between the secrets she keeps from the public (that the relationship exists at all) and the secrets she keeps from her lover and even herself. 

“Look What You Made Me Do” -- Hear me out on this: What if LWYMMD is a song (at least partially) about bearding? Read this way, we can see that Taylor hates being made to play the role of the fool who can’t make a relationship work, that she had to get smarter and harder in order to protect her real relationships, that she accepts her role as an actress pretending to be someone she’s not. Many critics and listeners have commented that the chorus leaves them cold -- without a melody, without emotion, without the payoff promised by the rising action of the pre-chorus. But if Taylor is telling us that “what we made her do” is live a fake life pretending to be someone she’s not, it makes perfect sense that the chorus would feel lifeless and robotic. The fact that it’s a sample of “I’m Too Sexy” could also be a clever nod to the fact that the performance she’s giving is as a conventionally acceptable, heterosexual being appropriate for consumption by mass audiences. 

“So It Goes...” -- Now we come to the part (i.e. the majority) of the album where secrets are no longer subtext; they are straight up text. The brilliant lyrics about magicians and illusionists show us that the secrets Taylor is keeping are now public -- she is being honest with herself and her partner. No longer is she in her head and her dreams: “I know what you know, we can feel it.” This song marks a transition in the album, away from Taylor reckoning with her own secrets and toward her reckoning with how to keep those secrets away from prying eyes.

“Gorgeous” -- Our explicit secret here (“you touching my hand in a darkened room”) leads to an opportunity for Taylor to confront her own emotions about having to keep this relationship secret: She uses the words “furious,” “hurts,” “hate,” “sad,” and “mad” -- not exactly the kind of language one typically uses to talk about the excitement of meeting a new love. These negative words are juxtaposed against a joyous beat and melody (typical Swiftian genius), but we shouldn’t overlook the fact that Taylor’s circumstances are clearly making her feel horribly upset. Is she upset by meeting a new person? That doesn’t make a lot of sense -- it’s much more likely she’s upset that she can’t be with that person in public.

“Getaway Car” -- I like reading this song as an accurate retelling of her switching beards from CH to TH. “A circus ain’t a love story” is a great way to think about the media circus surrounding all of Taylor’s het relationships, and the narrative of she and TH being criminals fits with them perpetrating duplicity and lies. (More secrets!) Once we get to the outro, though, we see the true emotions behind this lighthearted heist: She was crying and dying in that car. If she didn’t have feelings for TH, as this song would suggest, and if she was ready as hell to leave her ex, why was she so upset -- if not for the deeper secret she was keeping?

“King Of My Heart” -- “Your love is a secret I’m hoping, dreaming, dying to keep. Change my priorities, the taste of your lips is my idea of luxury.” Here we see the unity of Taylor’s inner hopes (her dreams) with her outer identity: She has found the solution to her secrecy problem -- glass closeting. She changes her “priorities” to her “friendships,” and is then able to bring the person who rules the kingdom inside her room out into public. 

“Dancing With Our Hands Tied” -- This is where we get into the dark side of glass closeting, namely kissgate. This song is all about secrecy: “I loved you in secret,” “picture of your face in an invisible locket,” “I’d kiss you as the lights went out.” All those golden secrets Taylor and her partner keep tarnish and revert to poison when brought to the light of day. The “sacred oasis” of Taylor’s relationship is subjected to biblical plagues -- fire, avalanche, flood -- when they dance in public. Their only option is to go back into hiding.

“Dress” -- And, as it turns out, keeping secrets can be hella sexy! This feels like a yin/yang pair to DWOHT, the ecstasy of getting away from public toxicity and back to a golden secret paradise. But though their kingdom is small and secret, Taylor takes care to note its permanence with lyrics like “a golden tattoo,” “carve your name into my bedpost,” and “inescapable.” If a “beard” is the woman a man wears to seem straight, then it only makes sense that a queer woman would wear a “dress.” In that reading, J*e is actually Taylor’s “dress” -- the costume Taylor bought to show a good public face, while in private she removes her armor and becomes her true, permanent self with the person she loves.

“This Is Why We Can’t Have Nice Things” -- Here again, I’ve got a suspicion that Taylor is writing about more than her public feuds. “I’m shaking my head and locking the gates” feels like the same retreat into private described in DWOHT and Dress. What if -- in addition to the obvious narrative -- this song is also discussing why Taylor can’t have the life she wants in public, and we (her fans, the media, etc.) can’t have the true details about her life that we crave?

“Call It What You Want” -- Taylor taketh away but then, oh then, Taylor giveth. Because this is the moment where she lifts the curtain and lets us spend time with her in her golden oasis, behind her crumbled castle walls, her guard evaporated. She’s got her code here (het pronouns), but otherwise her secrets are all gone. I’ve written before about the language she uses in the chorus to reinforce the idea that her relationship is a secret escape, but the beauty of this song is that she invites us to run away with her -- if we’re willing to see the truth. Karlie what you want to; her name is whatever we decide.

“New Year’s Day” -- A circus ain’t a love story, but this song is -- literally! “Don’t read the last page” means that Taylor already knows the ending: she’s going to stay with her partner for the whole long road. In private moments cleaning up the apartment after a party, squeezing hands in the back of a taxi, recognizing each other’s laughs, they have found comfort, longevity, and lasting love in their secret world. They will hold on to each other, and despite the deep fears that the world would divide them, their joy and their memories see them through. 

This album is one long rumination on secrecy and how it affects us -- the secrets we keep from ourselves, from our lovers, and from the strangers who think they know who we truly are. In the introduction to Reputation, Taylor writes very explicitly about this idea -- but in her lyrics, she gives us an intimate view into her own emotional process in grappling with the secrets that have dominated her life. The album charts a beautiful progression from Taylor coming to terms with her own secrets, finding someone else to share those secrets with, and, finally, finding a comfortable and happy way to live with those secrets despite the public and the media bearing down on her from every angle. In refusing to give interviews during this era, she is living the solution she has shown us on this album. 

To state the obvious, Taylor’s het relationships are public by definition, charted in press releases and pap walks. It just doesn’t make sense to me that she would write an entire album about the idea of secrecy unless her life were riddled with secrets. Taken with the specific ways Taylor uses gendered language on this album, it seems abundantly clear to me exactly what secrets she’s keeping.

[sawyer-saucee]

The truth about how I found out I was gay

When I’m telling my story about finding my sexuality and coming out, I waaay oversimplify it to make it fit in with everybody else’s experience. I make it sound like a linear struggle with a happy ending, when it was really a whole lot of back-and-forth for years. I don’t even really remember coming out, at least officially. I just kind of dropped hints until me and my family were on the same page. Even with my friends. It was never really dramatic or emotional, and because of that I feel like I can’t relate to a lot of other LGBTQ+ people and like my voice in a lot of community issues doesn’t really matter, because I “don’t get it.”

So, here’s the real story. Pure truth, and if I can’t remember exactly how something happened, I’ll say so.

I was in sixth grade when I first remember it coming up for me. I was sitting at my lunch table and decided to tell two girls, one of which I didn’t really know, that I had had a crush on a girl before. I don’t know why. I don’t even think I’d had a really memorable girl-crush at that point. Maybe I though I’d be seen as cool or unique for it. Which I’m very ashamed of to this day.

This was received well by one of the girls (who happened to be my best friend) and the other girl went and told two other girls in my class, who weren’t as okay with it. Specifically, I remember coming back from lunch and one of those girls stopping to ask,

“Is it true? That you’re...”

And because I knew what she was going to say, I answered, “Yeah.” To which she proceeded to make a face like she’d just smelled something bad, and then walk away. And that really upset me, because I was sensitive as a kid. I don’t really remember the timeline of events for the rest of that day, but I remember that it ended with me going home crying and “coming out” to my mom as gay. But I don’t count it as a real coming out, because I honestly still didn’t think I was gay. I wrote all of it off as me being dumb and childish and hoped that everyone could forget about it so that I could just go back to being straight, like a “normal person”. But it didn’t, because apparently actions have consequences or something. The girl who stopped me in the classroom must have told her brother about everything that went down. And so, he suddenly decided he hated me. He stopped me out my way out to the buses to tell me that people thought I was a lesbian, but at the time I didn’t actually know what lesbian meant. I don’t really remember anything else from there except that I learned what lesbian meant and that he made fun of me for the rest of the school year. I was not happy about it, but I mostly managed to avoid and ignore him. During the rest of that school year, I realized that I was developing a crush on my best friend, and yes, she was a girl. And it was weird for me, because despite everything that was happening, I still didn’t see it as ‘wrong,’ necessarily. I don’t really remember how I felt about it, honestly, except confused. Mostly because I wasn’t sure if it was actually a crush, or what. (Spoiler alert, it was. Past Sage, you are GAY.)

Enter seventh grade. That year was, in a lot of ways, better than sixth grade. For one, all that sixth grade drama was pretty much gone. We were all in a new school where we barely ever saw our old classmates, and even though I was still pretty embarrassed about what had happened, it wasn’t as big a deal. I didn’t have a crush on my best friend anymore, either. So, things just kind of went back to normal, kind of. But I was still kind of trying to repress it? I don’t know, it was always just something in the back of my mind. And I went through boy-crushes and stuff too, so it was kind of easy to just keep it down. And so, seventh grade was pretty uneventful, all in all.

Now, the summer before eighth grade. I had just moved overseas, and between culture shock and the loneliness of being in a new place, and frickin adolescence, my anxiety was going CRAZY. And, though I’m not sure exactly when it started, I began feeling a whole lot of anxiety around if I was gay or not. Everything that reminded me of anything related to being gay caused me so much anxiety that I had a physical reaction. It would give me that feeling of adrenaline, but kind of different... I don’t know, it’s hard to explain. But it didn’t feel good. And deep inside, I’m sure I did know, but I wasn’t sure. And that was the scariest thing about all of it. I like knowing things. And so when it’s like I’m supposed to know something about myself and I don’t, I just become terrified.

One day, my sisters and I were on the computer in the living room watching random music videos on YouTube, and they wanted to watch Katy Perry’s “Firework” music video. Now, in that video, there’s a scene where two guys kiss at a party. And when I saw it, I started internally freaking out. So, between that and spiraling thoughts of what might happen to me if I kept all of it bottled up, I went to my mom and started a very awkward conversation. I told her that I was worried about being gay or trans or something like that, and she told me that no matter what, she and my dad would love me. And I don’t know if it was how it satiated my fear of rejection or even just the relief of someone else finally knowing, but I started to feel better. And even though I had a ton of other things going on in my busy brain, my sexuality wasn’t something I really worried about anymore. I still was really anxious to have a fitting label and finally figure out who the frick I was attracted to, but it was less stressful than before.

The next year or so is kind of a blur, honestly. Eighth grade went by really fast, and I don’t remember much about it, sexuality-wise.

The beginning of ninth grade is when things started popping up again. I was still so insecure about my sexuality, but I still really wanted to come out to people (because at that point, I was kind of sure that I wasn’t straight, but I was still DEFINITELY in the questioning phase). I honestly don’t know why I wanted come out so badly. The same reason I did in sixth grade? My insane lack of patience?I don’t know.

The timeline of events I’m about to talk about might be completely out of order, but they all happened at some point, so I guess it doesn’t matter that much.

I came out to my group of friends more than once. First to all four of them as a group, very soon after we all met. Then to the two of them I was closest with. I came out to them separately because I wanted to make sure that they got the message and I wasn’t sure they had the first time, since I’d done it with a really out of the blue joke. Anyway, I actually told those two friends twice because my memory was so awful that I couldn’t remember that I’d done it before. Both times, they were super chill about it. Really awkward, but chill. But then, I started having a lot of anxiety over whether or not I was lying. Which is so dumb, right? But it was this huge internalized fear about whether or not I was deceiving people about this really serious thing. Part of it was because I came out to other people before I’d fully come out to myself, and figured myself out. Because I did this, I wasn’t sure if my label was going to change or if the label I’d told everyone I was (bisexual) was even really true. And so even though I lived with that fear, my lack of impulse control led me to come out to my aunt and one set of my grandparents before I was ready. Luckily, they were all really accepting and super cool about it, but then my fear only got worse. I thought, “If I end up figuring out that I’m straight, I’ll be in way to deep to ever say it!”

Spoiler alert, old Sage, YOU ARE GAY. CHILL OUT. But old Sage didn’t know that, and so she dealt with serious self-doubt and anxiety for the next year or so.

The next part of this story takes place online. I don’t really know when this happened exactly, but it was sometime during ninth grade, and maybe even part of the summer before. I joined a social media called Discord and made a lot of friends on there, one of which was a gay girl who I was really close with for a couple months. She asked me what I identified as, and I told her biromantic as almost a cop-out. Like “Haha yeah, girls are cute but I’d only have sex with men haHAA.” She was so cool about it, and through a bunch of conversations and a specific interaction involving her prompting me to draw my dream girl, I told her that she’d helped me reach my epiphany moment and that now I knew I was bisexual. But I was still unsure and I was still afraid of accidentally having lied to everyone, all because I had come out before I was ready and before I was sure.

And so, the anxiety continued. I started feeling anxious whenever I was attracted to a guy, maybe because I thought I wasn’t ‘gay enough’ and I had to only be attracted to girls or mainly to them in order to count. Anything other than gay was ‘cheating,’ I guess. I knew that attraction didn’t have to be 50-50, but it felt like it had to be that or more leaning towards feminine-presenting people in order to be valid. And it doesn’t! But I didn’t know that, and so anxiety stayed.

After that, things get blurry again. I slowly started meeting more people online and just gradually getting more comfortable with myself, and the anxiety kind of started going away a little bit. But then, I met a girl. And I honestly wasn’t sure what I felt for her. I couldn’t differentiate platonic from romantic love, and I was just confused, but because of my desperate need to be ‘gayer,’ I decided that I had a crush on her. Good choice, too. Because turns out, I did. (Guess my anxiety finally did one thing right.) And we started dating. Still though, early in our relationship, I was unsure of my feelings for her and felt even more anxiety because she was so affectionate and if it turned out that I was straight, I would have to break her heart, and I didn’t want to do that. Because as confused and anxious as I was, I knew that I cared about her.

This continued all the way up into February of 2018 where we met in person, and even beyond that. After we met in person, I was more sure of my romantic feelings for her, but all those years of doubt weren’t just going to let it go, so I kept worrying and I kept doubting. After that, it’s another blurry haze.

Now, as I’m writing this, it is July of 2018. It has taken me years, but I’m finally mostly comfortable with myself and the label I’ve chosen. I still have feelings of doubt, but they’re not as loud as they used to be, and it’s nice to finally be pretty much sure of something. I am pansexual, sometimes I say bisexual. I can choose which one I want or even flip back and forth, because I decide what my labels mean to me. I am attracted to people regardless of gender. My attraction to one gender in no way invalidates my attraction to another. I recently attended my first pride, and spent a day with other people like me. We have all struggled, and we’ve all had different struggles, but we all have one thing in common. And that is that we have pushed through, and that we’re going to be okay.

So, that’s the honest story about how I found myself. I left some things out that weren’t super important to the story, and condensed some details that would have made this way too long, but everything that I wrote is true and as I remember it. So, how about two rapid fire things that didn’t really fit anywhere in the story?

1. My parents and family are extremely accepting, and they do a lot to educate themselves, learn from me, and support me.

2. After I realized I was A Homo, I also realized that I have potentially had a gay crush before that I was too young and too uneducated to recognize as one. You never realize how ingrained into our heads heteronormativity is until you look back, honestly.

And that’s it. It was long, it was weird, it was confusing, and it was way more complicated than the simplified version that I normally tell people, but there it is. If you take anything away from all of this, I’d want it to be that it’s okay to be unsure, it’s okay to question for however long you need to, and you are under no obligation to come out to anyone. Do things whenever you’re ready, and don’t forget that no one knows you better than you do.

So, yeah. I just needed to get that all off my chest.

Thanks for reading.

[birdship]

all of em. have fun, nerdo.

Femme or butch? Soft butch.Do you have a “type”? If so, describe it

Plaid button-ups or leather jackets? Plaid.

Describe your style Tacky and comfortable.

Describe your aesthetic Space, the ocean, birds, robots, cats, the meeting point between technology and nature.

Favorite article of clothing? I have this tie-dyed zip-up hoodie that’s super comfortable and warm without being TOO warm.

Favorite pair of shoes? Uhhh I don’t really have that many pairs of shoes, and the ones I do have I guess I like equally for different practical reasons.

Current haircut? Shitty.

Any haircut goals for the future? Not shitty.

Describe the best date you’ve been on Uhhhh none.

Describe the worst date you’ve been on None?

Single? Taken? In a relationship.

If taken, talk about your girlfriend/wife! My girlfriend is my best friend of almost 5 years, though we only started… dating? (I guess I can phrase it that way? It’s an LDR) earlier this year. They’re funny and sweet and talented and they understand me and my garbage brain better than anyone else I’ve ever met. And we’re an amazing creative team.

If single, what are you looking for in a potential girlfriend/wife?

Describe your dream wedding It’s autumn or late winter, and the wedding is held outdoors but under cover. Like maybe a gazebo or something. There’s no sound except for the rain pouring down outside, and the guests are wondering where we are. Suddenly, I poke my head in the doorway, smile and apologize and hurry to the altar as some jpop song plays very softly in the background. I stand awkwardly at the altar alone until the song is over and the next one begins… then suddenly there’s a crash! It’s my partner, who has punched through the roof of the gazebo and as they land, the John Cena theme begins to play. The rain soaks through the fancy carpet runner as they join me at the altar. We high five. Then when the priest starts doing the vow stuff, Life is Beautiful from Deadly Premonition starts playing louder and louder until nobody knows what’s even going on anymore. Then everything goes normally and we act like nothing happened.

Do you want kids? Nope.

If you could live anywhere in the world, where would you live? Honestly, I’m not sure. There are places that sound appealing, but… I dunno where I would want to settle down.

Favorite lesbian movie? I’m struggling to think of any movie I’ve ever seen that could be described as “lesbian”…

Favorite lesbian novel/story? Can’t think of any novels, and I can think of waaaay too many comics/manga, which is my way of subtly saying that I can’t possibly pick one. So rather than pick a fictional story, I’m going to say the non-fiction autobiographical comic My Lesbian Experience With Loneliness.

Favorite lesbian song? I’m not sure what necessarily qualifies as a specifically lesbian song… but uh… I’ll go with Magnet (yes, the Vocaloid song) or maybe Thao Nguyen’s cover of With A Girl Like You.

Favorite lesbian musician? Uhhhhhh… OSTER Project maybe?

What lesbian stereotypes do you fit into, if any? I mean… I’m pretty gender non-conforming in general so like… several of them, lmao. I don’t wear makeup, I have short hair, I own several plaid flannel shirts, I don’t dress in a way that is attractive to men…

Ever been assumed to be nothing more than a gal pal? No, simply because there’s never been the opportunity.

If a woman wanted to woo you, what would a surefire way to accomplish that? Send me weird MMD videos.

Be positive! What do you like most about being a lesbian? Girls………. But seriously, uh… I feel like, especially since it took me so long to come out and to stop being in denial, I now understand what I want from a relationship better than I think most straight people do. In coming to terms with my orientation, I did so much introspection and soul-searching about what love and romance means to me, conceptually.

Are you more of a cat person or a dog person? Cat for sure.

Turn ons? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Turn offs? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Do you usually ask other women out or do you wait for them to ask you? I’ve literally never asked anyone out, so um… probably the latter. I had a huge crush on my best friend for the entire time we’ve been friends, but I was 98% sure they didn’t feel the same way, so I just buried my feelings and felt really insecure and frustrated and hurt about how they definitely don’t actually care about me… until literal years later when they suddenly asked me if I wanted to try the girlfriend thing. And now we both know we both love each other. So that was a long way of saying I absolutely don’t do confrontation of any kind, and I wait in angsty silence.

What is your dream career? What I’m doing now except more and better and with much more success. Also maybe a chill job at a bookstore or an art store on the side. Or opening my own business.

Talk about your interests or hobbies! I draw, write, make games, crochet, dabble in music sometimes, play video games, bird watching, taking photos, uhh… Light hiking? I guess? Not anything as strenuous as the word “hiking” brings to mind, but like… walking in interesting places.

What is the most attractive quality a woman can have? Kindness.

Do you love easily or does it take time for you to warm up to someone? When it’s the right person, I love immediately. That’s… one hurdle my best friend/girlfriend and I hit early on, and I’m glad we were able to move past it. Like… We started talking and I was like !!!!!! WOW !!!!!! new best friend and maybe we could be more than friends in the future??? And they were like “uhhh maybe chill a little, we JUST met”. Like.. I dunno, I don’t fall (platonically or romantically) for people easily in general. I tend to keep my distance. But when I meet someone who I click with, I can come on way too strong sometimes.

Ever fallen for your best-friend? I mean… obviously. Yeah.

Ever fallen for a straight girl? No, because I can’t remember the last time I even interacted with a straight girl. I had a couple fleeting crushes in college, but one was in an LGBT history class full of other gay people (and the person in question was bi and non-binary, I think?). The other one may have been straight, though, I’m not sure… She sure seemed like she was flirting with me, though, idk. But seriously, almost every friend/acquaintance I’ve had any significant platonic feelings for, let alone romantic, has ended up being LGBT even if I (or they) thought they were cishet at the time. Awkward gays stick together, even subconsciously, I guess.

The L-Word: yes or no? (love it or hate it?) Never seen it.

Favorite comfort food? Bread. Like just plain bread. I love a good plain bread.

Coffee or tea? Coffee.

Vegetarian? Vegan? None of the above? Neither.

Do you have any pets? Yup. A cat and a bird.

Early-riser or night-owl? Both, which works out about as well as you’d expect. My sleep schedule is a mess. I guess I’d say I’m a night-owl who wants to be an early-riser. Or maybe an early-riser who can’t manage to sleep properly.

What is your sign? Capricorn.

Can you drive? Nope. I have a learner’s permit and I’ve driven in parking lots twice - once as a teen, then once as an adult - but it was too scary and uncomfortable. I should learn to drive, but ugh, I wish I didn’t have to because I really don’t want to.

Who was your first lesbian crush? Uh, I’m not sure. I definitely liked a lot of female characters for reasons I didn’t quite understand as a kid, but I don’t know which was the first or whatever. So instead I’ll just tell the story I told my girlfriend recently - when I was first seriously coming to terms with being attracted to women, I happened to watch the video for BoA - Eat You Up (warning: flashy) and I remember just sorta watching her like… ah, hm, yes, perhaps girls… are extremely hot actually… maybe this is okay.

At what age did you know you were a lesbian? Specifically a lesbian? Uh like 25 or 26. Attracted to girls in general? I was in denial for a long time but I started kinda sorta slightly coming to terms with it around age 19 or 20.

At what age did you come out (if you have)? I came out around 25-26, shortly before realizing that I’m not bi or pan and I don’t have to “stay open-minded” or “give men a chance”.

Are you crushing on anyone at the moment (celebrity or otherwise)? My girlfriend and Hana (see answer 2) are my eternal, permanent crushes.

Talk about how your day went Pretty boring. I went for a walk and saw two dogs. It rained. It was nice, but not very exciting.

Talk about your dreams/aspirations for the future I wanna live with my girlfriend and have a studio for working on all our projects, both together and separately. Maybe open a store by the ocean selling art and stuff. I want to keep drawing and writing and making things.

Least favorite gay celebrity? Leaving aside the obvious assholes and transmisogynists… Ellen Degeneres. I don’t hate her, but I’m a little bitter about some shitty things she’s said (particularly fat shaming things).

[wrong-shaped]

have had a weird encounter the last few days. i’ve been going into a bake shop a few times a week for the last month and a couple days ago the girl at the counter came over to my table and said something about her friend, the girl who normally works there, thinking i was cute or whatever. apparently she had mentioned that to her, and so the second girl recognized the sweater, glasses, and the order, and so i guess approached me on her friend’s behalf? and i mean i was mainly just bemused by this, honestly more uncomfortable than flattered. what i think really got to me was just the view into myself i got from that, like how she described me and what was apparently significant enough about me to make an impression, specifically on this girl. the thing that made me most uncomfortable was that she mentioned i was “quiet” as though it were an appealing character trait. and then today i went in and the girl was there and so since there was no one else in there she sat down for a while until someone came in to pick up a cake order. she said i was pretty much the only person who ever got a slice of ricotta tart and that it was her favorite, i said it was good bcause it wasn’t too sweet, she said she’d been drinking americanos with it since i’d started coming in and getting that order, i said it’s nice because there’s already enough fat in the dessert that there’s no point getting a latte or a cappuccino and that balance is what makes it such a treat, she said some kind of snide shit about most of the people who bought stuff only wanting the sugariest cakes... it was nice, even i guess kind of cute when that’s all we talked about, and honestly? she’s pretty, she has something like a nice aura. but once things got further than that and i started reading her intentions i got the same feeling as before, like i was seeing myself through the eyes of someone else and i didn’t like it. i didnt bother lying or anything and just said i’d been spending my time wandering around the city all month and that’s why i was coming in, i told her i dont really have any interests or whatever, and i sort of hoped that answering like that would send the signal that there just wasn’t much for us to talk about. didn’t really though. and like she talked about herself and nothing she said made me think she’d really understand what i meant when i said i don’t really really have much of an identity or place in life. which is what made it feel so disturbing, i think, that she still kept up an interest and reacted to me being so straightforward as though it were just having a quirky sense of humour. and it’s not like i was trying to get her not to like me or anything, but i certainly wasn’t trying to come across as the way i apparently was to her. like some fantasy of a quiet, melancholic waif for her to observe was just being fed into the more i tried to demystify it by being as objective as i could. i even said something like “god i feel like i’m being looked at in a zoo or something” and all it did was make her laugh. and i felt pretty aware of being in a certain gendered space in relation to a straight girl, and honestly i felt like a chill when i kind of realize that when her friend like, described me to myself the way she did, it was all pretty much obvious closeted trans woman (maybe trans lesbian?) shit, like the long messy hair, the thick sweaters, the sleepy eyes, the mumbling, these are all things that i think typify how i engage with the world as specifically a trans woman and i don’t think they’re too uncommon in that respect. and like i didn’t feel remotely like i was monopolizing the conversation or rambling the way i do when i really like someone, i felt inhibited and in my shell because i felt that this whole situation was pointless and absurd and i felt uncomfortable, and like again i think that’s a very gendered expression, and it was picked up on and handled in a way that i was very uneasy with. and i mean i realize im going out on a pretty massive limb here, but this felt like a pretty big display of how straight women relate to trans lesbians, like not necessarily in a sexually fetish-y way, but in an exoticizing way. like it’s not really socizlly feasible for straight women to relate to cis lesbians in a tht way, like their instinct is to be somehow grossed out and that’s how they exercise privilege or whatever, but picking up on those signals in someone who it’s socially appropriate to show that kind of interest in and it’s like they see this perfect emotional and aesthetic object to.. i dont want to say victimize, but relate to in a very awkward way. and why wouldnt they, the alternative is straight men, bona fide straight men, it must feel nice to talk to someone who doesnt have the confidence or sense of self to impose themself. and like i’ve been feeling really, idk, disposable, even taken advantage of in certain respects, and something about that interaction illuminated why i’m so predisposed to that, like as long as i dont feel able to coherently relate to anbd share things with other people, and as long as that awkwardness gets filtered into a certain formulaic social relation, and a certain “gaze” if you want to call it that, it is totally impossible for me to actually showanything like the full spectrum of emotion, subjectivity, vulnerability, affection, and so forth without it crossing the wrong wires with the formula for interaction and identity that has made me who i am for other people to begin with. like how do i enter into relationships without illusions, without the hurt and alienation and flat-out depression that make me who i am making things pointless and doomed from the off? how do i have straight up autonomy with other people? sorry for such a long diary post if you actually read all that lol. i do think i’ll still go there sometimes cause i like the food, but thankfully i start work again in a ffew days so it wont be that often.

[al-capone-duck]

Anyways I hate myself and all I ever think about is how fucked up I am and I'm kind of a lost cause honestly? Like there's just so much. So much shit to dig through you couldn't possibly hope to fix or even work on it all and I am a useless & generally worthless human being with exactly zero redeeming qualities and everyone knows that which is why nobody genuinely cares about me but I get it The worst thing is people will say stuff like "I have no friends" and I'll be like "lmao me too" but it's an objectively true statement for me and usually turns out to be false for them I'm not even trying to be dramatic I have ZERO people who I can go see a movie with or get coffee with or whatever, Telena tells me all the time to just call up a friend and go hang out and I tell her I can't because it's the truth. Casey is in Orlando and Christina is in Daytona and Jacob is in Gainesville and Nini is in fucking England or something and Ross is in Jacksonville and that's my entire list of irl friends who I still had when I graduated. Christina and I still talk (when I answer) and Jacob and I snap sometimes but I've completely lost contact with all the rest. I don't have people to do a podcast with or to suck at Smash tournaments with or anything and I hate it Even if we count internet friends I don't talk to Cass or Chris anymore and honestly it's probably because I drove them away! Because I don't fucking answer people ever and it's a miracle anyone even tries with me anymore Being alive is giving me a headache and my mom keeps trying to figure out what's wrong with me but all I've been thinking about lately is how I've never had an actual family and how the only family I ACTUALLY have is like. Shitty fucking Bioware characters. I want to act like liking character-heavy RPGs and family dramas and shit is just me, just a personal interest thing, but that would be a lie because it's obviously about watching functional/found families and trying to feel like part of them Someone on here once said "DA2 is about building a family" and I think about that a lot because like, maybe I don't actually like this game at all maybe it's just my favorite found family to try to insert myself into so I can pretend to have people who understand accept and love me unconditionally The thing is is that people with more dysfunctional families could easily tell me to shut the fuck up because I DO have a family and in fact some people HAVE informed me that I shouldn't say I wish my dad had never been around because it bothers people whose dads really weren't around But like the reason I still have most of my family is because I haven't gone up to them and said "I'm a lesbian" because once that gets out? I'm disowned. And I know everyone is always like "parents tend to react better than you expect" but my grandpa disowned my aunt at 25 when he found out she was pregnant. My grandma eventually convinced him to chill the fuck out but I'm not sure that'll work this time. My cousins have expressed open disgust in regards to gay people and my dad doesn't even try to talk to me now. Wait until he finds out I'm disgusting and an abomination Honestly the only place that I feel I can be openly and purely myself is witchofthewilcls and that fucking sucks because it's a side blog and it's for a specific type of content and it was born primarily out of a need to censor myself on my main I keep saying "it's the worst" and "it's terrible" and shit but the actual, real worst thing is that even though I know I shouldn't and I don't WANT to and it's bad for me because I know how everything is going to play out, I wish my dad would be my dad. I understand that there's a strong feeling of rejection when your dad is never around in your life, but just because my dad was physically present doesn't mean I didn't experience that. He was right there, in front of me, for my whole life, and he ignored me. He didn't even try to act like he wanted anything to do with me. I wish I could say I know he loves me but I don't know. I don't know how to handle this situation. Maybe I SHOULD want him to love me? I don't know what the healthy thing here is but I can't imagine there will ever be a time in my life that I'm not troubled about my dad and I wish he knew how badly he fucked me up. Like the list of things that contributed to how awful my brain is right now is so long it seems pretty much impossible to get through. There's my dad and there's my mom and my aunt and there's the growing up gay in a southern baptist household thing and there's Autumn and there's the whole smart kid! Fantastic potential! Thing and how I just fucking wasted all of it. How bad I went and fucked up my own life. And it's honestly REALLY fucking bothering me that that thing with Nicki and the college tuition is floating around because like, it's great. I don't mean to sound like I'm not happy for the people getting their tuition paid off. But she's like "show me a 4.0" so people with really good grades are getting handouts and I'm over here, a dropout who failed two (three?) classes even when she was doing the bare fucking minimum but not because I wasn't trying. I tried really hard for a really long time but it's just so much to deal with and then I get texts that say stuff like "just got a letter from Princeton" and again, I don't mean to sound like I'm not happy for you, because I absolutely am, but it's just like. Really difficult when anyone brings up college. It's way worse when it's about me specifically but the concept of college just fucks me up so much ESPECIALLY when it's so much better than me. Blowing me out of the fucking water. Elementary school Ashley should've kept going to become high school Ashley and she could've gotten into Princeton. She could've gone to an Ivy League and gone on and got a doctorate in whatever fancy major she picked but she kinda died somewhere along the way and I ended up as this shitty version of myself. And of course I know it's stupid and unreasonable but it's like Someone: mentions an accomplishment that outdoes my own, especially an academic accomplishment My brain: so you're saying I'm worthless/dumb/ugly/not funny/whatever insult is applicable here I just like, have no purpose, no family, no friends, no skills, no interests. My brain is fucked and everyone in the world is better than me because even other people with all my same issues/with worse issues than me are doing better than I am. I have no reason to keep hanging around here but I'm too chickenshit to leave so I won't do it And my mom hangs around and tries to figure out what's wrong and I say "nothing that matters to you anyway" and she's all "I wouldn't be asking if it didn't matter" but she has shown me time and again that it doesn't matter to her. It's never mattered to her. She's never cared about things I was interested in, things that made me happy, never cared about the mental illness thing and she just downplays the Tourettes and the lesbian things constantly. She told me recently that I only have "a touch" of Tourettes which is like, disgustingly false, but she wants to pretend her kid is basically okay. She still makes references to me having a husband in the future and when she DOES decide to acknowledge the gay thing she just switches to gender neutral pronouns. She'll make jokes or whatever about romantic shit and say "people" instead of "girls". When she is talking about how my dad will react she says "when he finds out about you" or "when you tell him" and that's all she says and we both know what she's talking about but she won't say it. Anyways like. TL;DR I'm objectively worthless and everyone knows it