#thinking about how even after so many years they're not quite yet strangers

[byfulcrums]

27 years of his youth, and you only knew him for three.

[if-childrenofiona]

✧ DEMO

LCOF is a +17 IF with heavy themes of murder, gore, cults, obsessive behavior, etc. Many run to Iona's Temple. Perhaps to escape hunger or the touch of death. You aren't sure why. No one is. All you know is that you're among them.

Play disguised as a Child of Iona, the loyal follower of the moon Goddess, Iona. Kept in the temple by day and let out to serve your duties by night. Navigate the mystical kingdom of Gilhanna. Whether you make rivals or friends, it's up to you. Or risk your life to pursue something more; you swore to remain devoted to Iona and Iona alone. Above all, stay hidden!

Everything was wrong— very wrong. Your father was never one to change his mind. Let alone reveal you to the public eye. And yet, he let you attend the Feast of Xihnir? It was a night of happiness, of celebration. And it'll be a night ingrained in your memory forever.

Especially after witnessing your father slaughtered like a lamb before the Divine Lord of Hexma. Since then, you've learned how deep Xihnir's murderous and twisted fascination with you goes.

Fleeing to the neighboring kingdom, Gilhanna, you find a place to escape the pursuits of your father's killer. Hoping to find peace while masked as a Child of Iona. You've enjoyed seven years of peace now. You're sure more is still to come.

Yet, the sudden appearance of a wounded stranger brings rapid talk of the Divine Lord's armed forces praying upon Gilhannian borders. You can't let yourself be reduced to running, hiding — surviving. Nor will you allow yourself to be caught in Xihnir's crooked grasp. Will you give up the identity of this mysterious stranger to protect your own?

Fully customize MC's appearance, personality, gender identity, and sexuality.

Choose between a variety of given trades to influence your character's nature and story! (i.e., swordsman, musician, scholar, weaver, dancer, or merchant.)

Hone your skills!

Become a genuine follower of Iona or exploit this exalted position for your own gain.

Make meaningful choices that will shape your future and the relationships of people around you.

Forge lasting friendships or begrudging enemies.

Eight ROs total— two secret romances. (one minor, one major)

XHILO ✧ XOLA, HOUSE OF AKTER. Your companion with a short temper and an even shorter attention span. You found them cowering in an alley the night you left and have been hiding from Xihnir's forces together since then. Meek and quiet but sometimes has a lot to say. Extremely suspicious and distrusting of newcomers. You think they may still be a bit wary of you.

SILAS ✧ SHILA, CHILD OF IONA. The mean-spirited shepherd who works with you in the temple. At one point, you both were friends, though you're not sure what made them act so cold towards you. Though, that time is very distant. However, one thing hasn't changed: their love of their flock and slightly awkward disposition around new groups of people.

KNOX ✧ KORA, HOUSE OF YARROW. "Eccentric," as the townspeople like to put it. You've only seen them keep to themselves; they're never seen without a notebook. In daylight, their face is tired and worn. You catch them sneaking over the temple walls at night as if hiding one big secret. Some nights, you catch them singing beautiful melodies before running away after they sense someone's listening.

PRINCE LIROY ✧ PRINCESS LORELAI, THE CROWN HEIR OF GILHANNA. Emperor and Empress Jung's firstborn. They are known throughout the kingdom as the epitome of sophistication and stoicism. You don't know much about the Crowned Heir except their duties to the country come first, and they hold them quite dear. A bit too dear.

PRINCESS DELILAH ✧ PRINCE DION, THE HEIR OF DANCE. The royal Jung's second born. A soft but refined beauty. Most remember them for their carefree and childish behavior. "Iona's dancing muse," some may say. You've only seen them dance once when you first came to Gilhanna. Beautiful, hypnotic. You believe they are everything the people say they are.

PRINCESS CLEMENTINE ✧ PRINCE CLEMENT, THE FORGOTTEN HEIR. The youngest of the Jung siblings. You haven't heard about them in all your seven years in Gilhanna. Nor are they mentioned among the people.

[di-42]

2024 fic roundup

Finally getting round to doing this! Just in time for the end of the year!

Many, many thanks to @curiouspupsicle and @bellisima-writes for tagging me all those weeks ago, ant to @cheeseplants for creating the questions. Enjoy curious's answers here, bellisima's answers here, cheeseplants's answers here.

What fandoms do you write in?

Good Omens, only Good Omens, nothing but Good Omens.

How many words have you published in 2024?

133k. Huh! Me?

What is your greatest achievement this year?

In the context of fandom and fanfiction, being brave enough to put myself out there and share my work is probably my greatest personal achievement. But I'm also quite proud to have plotted an 85k fiction while working 55 hours a week (and being lucky enough to have a husband and friends to spend my free time with).

What are your favourite top three fics you wrote this year?

That's an easy one! None of my favourite three are the ones with more engagement, strangely enough!

And I Did, rated E, 85k.

While I know this could have been written much better, I am incredibly proud of this fiction. It's whole season 3 fiction where I managed to pour all my headcanon in a way that hopefully doesn't feel too forced. I think it has an original plot, good side characters and tension. I tried to throw in some humour wherever possible as well. It features Supreme Archangel Aziraphale and Grand Duke of Hell Crowley. They haven't talked for almost two years. The end of the world is approaching. They are on opposite sides. And they both know neither of them was ever going to make a different choice to the one they made.

Only Ever Meant For Someone Else, rated T, 9k.

My first human AU, wheee! It was so much fun to write! I think writing human AUs allows so much freedom, although one shots and shorter stories can be a bit harder than canon compliant short stories. But I had a chance to explore some versions of the characters that I don't really see in canon, but very much enjoy in fictions, and wanted to try my hand at that. And I liked the result! Written for the Scribbling Vaguely Downwards advent calendar.

Every year, the night before Christmas, taxi driver Aziraphale drives passengers to and from the hospital for charity. On the Christmas morning of 2023 he was ready to go home and rest with a cup of tea, a mince pie, and a book after a long night.

Guess who?

“No, you may not!” Barked the other. Then he started pacing up and down the pavement, rambling to himself. “Anathema’s going to kill me. She’s actually going to kill me! She had to go into labour on fucking Christmas day, just my luck!”

Oh, dear.

“In-into labour?”

The stranger stopped pacing and, yet again, looked at Aziraphale sternly. He joined together the tips of his right thumb and forefinger, and punctuated his next words with a gracious movement of his hand.

“Yeah. It means she’s about to give birth.”

“Does it, now.”

Angel! Angel! They're At It Again! rated M, 5k

I really love this little story of mine. I've been told that it made some readers cry and laugh at the same time, and it doesn't get much better than that.

It's the year 2030. The world never ended. Aziraphale and Crowley are living happily and safely together as a married couple. Everything would be well, if it wasn't that lately Aziraphale has been a bit busy. A bit distracted. Now, Crowley can't have that, can he? He seeks the advice of his girlfriends, who unwittingly give him an idea on how to liven up his marriage.

A fluffy story about how we get to a certain cottage.

What was your biggest pit of despair moment?

Tying up all the loose ends in And I Did. Sometimes it felt like I was just hitting a wall and I couldn't possibly ever go through. I felt so embarrassed -mortified, really- that some people had read the story up to a certain point and I had just to let them down, because I couldn't possibly write anything that would make sense with the rest of the story. Even though the main points were planned from the beginning, there were still all those little details that write themselves, basically, and I had no idea what to do with some of them towards the end. I still don't know how I managed to pull it off, honestly, but somehow I did it in a way that I found satisfying enough.

What have you learned?

That people are so much better than I am. Really. And I don't mean at writing fiction. Well, people are better than me at writing fiction, but that's not what I mean here. The amount of people who are ready to read about someone else's ideas and headcanons with an open mind, enjoy stories that they don't necessarily agree with, is astounding. I have very much to learn from this community.

What fic did you want to do but never made it off the ground?

I could tell you. But then I would have to erase your memory.

A fiction that has never made it off the ground is a fiction that has yet to make it off the ground.

Did you beta any fics? Any favs you want to shout out?

I was asked a couple of times, but due partly to my lack of time, partly to English not being my first language, I had to reluctantly decline. I do offer my thoughts on my betas' fictions, though. One of them hasn't published her work yet, and the other has a fantastic one shot on Ao3, called The Corset.

Aziraphale never understood just why he had been issued with a body likes his. He was the Guardian of the Eastgate, after all! So when in the 17th century corsets for men were fashionable again, he had an idea ...

What three fics have you read this year that you love?

Hah! We both know it's not going to be only three, don't we?

Some of these fics were written before, some long before, 2024, but I only read them this year. It's quite hard to pick my favourites among so much talent and creativity, but I'll do my best. I also can't help but notice that my all time favourites are not among the superpopular ones, so please don't be shy and check them out! (And leave kudos and comments!)

The Beginning Of The End (Again), rated M, 78k.

Season 3 fiction full of plot, great characterisation, humour and pining. It has of course a happy ending. It is beyond me how this fic didn't get more engagement, especially when it first came out, closer to the end of season 2.

The Anon Before Christmas, rated E, 66k.

One of my favourite human AUs. The characterisation is spot on and the slow burn is just absolutely perfect. But I did love the whole array of characters surrounding Crowley and Aziraphale. I love how this story is as much about friendship and chosen family than it is about love and romance.

The Bookseller And The Garden, rated T, 13k.

Canon divergent fiction where Crowley is a demon stationed on earth, Aziraphale is an angel stationed on earth, but they have never met until present day. There's no end of the world in sight, only an angel and a demon falling in love and not knowing how to break it to the other that they're not human. I laughed all the way through.

Wrong Turn, rated T, 37k.

Honestly, I don't know why this fiction touched me so much. I just couldn't stop thinking about it for days after I finished it. It's a post season 1 fiction where Crowley suddenly finds himself in a parallel universe at the time the apocalypse is just about to happen. The Crowley and Aziraphale in that universe have a different history to our Crowley and Aziraphale. All our Crowley wants to do is to go back to his universe and his very own angel, but how? As you follow the main plot and focus on Crowley's thoughts and actions, you'll start slowly feeling the other story get hold of you, and it won't let go until the very end and beyond.

Happiness, More Or Less, rated M, 21k

This human AU moved me so very much I cried. Crowley moves into his new flat in Soho, only to discover the flat in haunted by the ghost of the owner of the bookshop downstairs. I won't tell anything else about the plot other than it does have a very sweet happy ending, and it gets there via a rollercoaster of emotions. This is really one of those fictions that leave me in awe of the fandom's talent and creativity. Read it, read it, read it!

One last one that I haven't finished reading yet, but I know it's one of my all time favourites, is The Last Angel, rated E, 162k.

Canon divergent fiction where Crowley and Aziraphale were never assigned to earth, Armageddon happened and hell won the war. I've said many things about this fiction, among which that I can't believe the writer does this in her spare time and writing is not actually her job, and this is the most Good Omens-y fic I have ever read. It's astoundingly good.

What ideas are percolating for next year?

Watch out for The Angel Horror Show! When I learned that Peter Hinwood, the actor who played Rocky in The Rocky Horror Picture Show didn't have a long career as an actor, bout instead went on to become an antiques dealer, I knew I had to write this fiction with Aziraphale as the actor who many years ago played Angel/Rocky in The Angel Horror Show and subsequent film The Angel Horror Picture Show and is now living a comfortable life as a book and antiques dealer, and Crowley as the actor who played Demon/Frank, and went on to become a successful movie and theatre actor and director. I've just started writing it and I'm extremely excited about it!

Who do you want to thank?

Without the shadow of a doubt @sabine-smitten-obviously and IneffableShortCake who have been so incredibly generous with their time and support in the past 8 months! But also everyone who's ever left me a comment making me feel like my stories were liked, from the long comments to the ones with just enthusiastic syllables, from the incredibly witty ones to the more personal ones, thank you, thank you, thank you!

Tag, answer any Qs that suit and play along!

I think because I'm so late in the game that most of the writers I would usually tag have already been tagged by someone else, but perhaps a few haven't done this yet.

@smua70 @ngk-668 @ineffable-duck7

And anyone who wants to answer!

This was fun!

[another-random-paradise]

Hiii! I saw ur account is open to Twisted Wonderland requests and I do hope I can make one request!

Maybe a request for Mozus Trein with an S/O(ofc they’re the same age as him) that is shy and timid but was once an outgoing teenager when they were young and how the two bond now that they’re seeing each other again with both of them knowing that both of them obviously had a crush on one another since teens but separated due to familial circumstances(def didn’t inspire this by an oc of mine, hahahahahaaa-)

Thank you so much for the request!! and yeahh, many of my ideas are based of OC's- Since you didn't specify, I decided to write this as a short fic, since i've been wanting to write one for quite a while now, i hope that's okay!! (tbh I'm so used to writing headcanons, that if you really want to, you can also read this as headcanons) Hope you enjoy :) Also, i refuse to take Treins girl dad privilege's so i simply turned his marriage into an arranged one-

---------------------------------------------------------

Trein and Childhood crush!Reader reconnecting after years apart

Characters: Mozus Trein

Format: Short Fic (972 words)

Warnings: None that i can think of

Trein was rummaging through some old stuff, with his wife's death a few years ago, he decided to declutter, when he stumbled upon an old box. An old box, filled with memories of his time as a teenager. Many of them included pictures of the two of you, how could they not, when he used to spend most of his time wishing he could spend every waking moment with you. Trein has always been an orderly person, perhaps that's why he loved you, you and your outgoing personality, never shying away from anything. If he was completely honest, he still does, and there is nothing he regrets more, than not marrying you.

He still remembers the day like it was yesterday, when his parents told him he was to be married, to a woman he didn't even know, once they were both eighteen, how it broke his heart. Of course, it had to be the same day he planned to finally confess to you. So, when you met him at your favorite spot, instead of a carefully planned speech about his feeling, one he knows he would have messed up anyways at the sight of your smile, he blurted out that he's engaged. He had never felt more pain, than as he watched your heart break, seeing the pain in your eyes. He only wishes that you were able to see how it hurt him too. And the two of you coming from a generation before phones existed made it hard to stay connected, so, in the end you lost sight of each other. Oh, how he wished he could have rebelled against his parents, he still wishes he did, but he always followed the rules his parents set, believing they only wanted the best for him, so how was he supposed to just stop? He is truly happy with his life, there is nothing he loves more than his daughters, and yet to this day, you have never left his heart. To this day, it wishes it were you with who he lived this life.

And it seems that his wishes were heard for once, as the doorbell rings. He is confused at first, the person at the door seems familiar to him, he just can't quite pin point it, at least not until the familiar stranger speaks-

"Long time no see, Mozus"

No matter how much you've changed over the years, the way you speak his name as you smile at him is something that remained the same, something that he could never forget. He invited you inside, the shock of seeing you so long painted clearly on his face. The two of you sit down at the coffee table, as he hands you your drink. He has many questions, and he can only assume you do too. It doesn't take long before you two are talking as openly as you did when you were younger, reminiscing about the older days, discussing what each of you did during your time apart; he tells much about his lovely daughters, talking about each of them as if they're a piece of art, before asking what you did during your time away. He noticed rather quickly that you spoke much quieter than when you were young, holding yourself back during stories instead of making them as big as can be, where he wouldn't have gotten a word in when you were young, he was now leading the conversation. But he couldn't say that he minded, it was only normal to change with age, and he's afraid his aged body wouldn't be able to handle the adventures attitude you had as a child; the change is welcomed with open arms, just as you welcomed everything that changed about him. The conversation lasts well into the night, it is already dark out when the two of you finally become tired. Being the gentleman that he is, and always was, he invites you to stay the night, perhaps even a few more if you have travelled from afar to meet him. As he goes to sleep, he feels a warmth he hasn't felt in years.

It was an early morning, when the sound of meows awoke you. It seems it didn't take long for Lucius to warm up to you either, as the tuxedo cat lets you pet him, albeit only for a few minutes, before elegantly walking of to eat breakfast. Deciding to follow suit, you get dressed and make your way to the kitchen. When you arrive, Trein is already making breakfast, wishing you a good morning, before returning his attention to the eggs. He is already dressed to a tee, you can only imagine how early he woke up. You decide to help him, carrying the finished food to the table, as you started to properly wake up. "Didn't you say you work at a college? don't you have to go to work soon?" you ask as you both sit down at the table. "Luckily, you visited me during the holidays, I have three more weeks before i need to return to work." He responded, a smile on his face. Very quickly the two of you made plans for these weeks, to reconnect.

And reconnect you did. Your plans very quickly turned into dates, as the two of you realize that neither of you ever got over your feelings. You finally do all, or rather all the things that you can do at your age, that you wanted to do as teenagers. Eventually, you even meet his daughters, who luckily seem to like you. They know their parents marriage was arranged, and seeing their father happy with you, makes them happy.

It may have taken many, many years of longing, but it seems that, in the end, fate still had a happy ending in mind for the two of you.

Very fun to write, very happy that i finally had the chance to try and write a proper fic!!

Feedback is welcomed, just be nice please :)

Hope you have a nice day/night!

[pinchinschlimbah]

On "Coming Out" and Noel Fielding

I mentioned forever ago that I had this post in mind and then never got around to it, but now with the new interview quote I was yelling about recently it feels like a particularly good time to get it out of my brain and onto the page! tl;dr: musings on the concept of "coming out" as it has evolved over time, whether it's something that should continue to be necessary or expected of queer people, and why Noel is particularly inspirational to me in that regard since this is, after all, my brainrot blog. This may be extremely long and a bit disjointed but I hope some of y'all will enjoy it!

So a while ago myself and several friends were discussing the concept of coming out. All of us are some flavor of queer both in gender and orientation, but each is in a different place along their self discovery and identity journey, with some being long since out and proud, and others just starting to dip their toes into exploration past the expected cishet.

This discussion actually was prompted by a different discussion about Noel, spurred by comments we'd come across slamming him as being homophobic/transphobic on Bakeoff for making comments suggesting he has romantic or sexual attraction towards Paul, referring to himself with female-centric terms, playing female characters in the skits, and a particular moment where he brings up Old Gregg while talking to KimJoy and says "he was a sea transsexual....quite a demanding role for me" while laughing to indicate that that last part was said in jest. Hey fellas, is it homophobic/transphobic to be a little bit gay and trans? This got us talking about how the current culture of queer identity has evolved to the point where "coming out" feels more like something the public feels they're owed in order for them to view one's expression as valid, rather than its original purpose as something one does for themself in order to live most authentically. I don't think I need to go into detail about how many artists have been harassed by their "fans" into coming out before they were ready because people wouldn't accept the validity of that person's work without knowing exactly how that person identified, there've been plenty of articles and video essays and better written tumblr posts about that, but it's definitely a concerning trend. It can be particularly dangerous when it comes to people who aren't feeling confident or safe enough to come out, who end up being criticized and shunned by the queer community as being somehow problematic for not being able to fully articulate to a group of strangers the ways in which they're experiencing their identity. In this situation, the people who are struggling the most end up with the least support. Forcing people to either declare an identity or get out just leads to more people staying closeted out of fear of doing it "wrong" and never getting the chance to explore the most authentic and joyful versions of themselves, or even worse, feeling the need to out themselves before they're in a safe place to do so and suffering the resulting consequences. Questioning or cautious people deserve space in the community to experiment even if they haven't yet or maybe never will come out! My high school's Gay Straight Alliance was comprised entirely of "straight allies" when I was there. There was not a single "out" person in the school at the time. Nearly all of us in the GSA ended up being some flavor of queer or trans years later after graduation. But whether it was intentional closeting or just feeling an innate affinity towards something we couldn't quite pinpoint at the time, we all knew we belonged there and made that space for ourselves and others like us. Back when "coming out" first became a concept in the public consciousness, it was during a time where cishet identity was not just considered the default, but the only option. By coming out, queer people were giving genuinely revolutionary representation for themselves and others like them by telling the world that, as the old saying goes, we're here, we're queer, get used to it! Nowadays, we're lucky to live in a culture that is much more cognizant of queer identities being a thing, so in many cases coming out has become less about having to explain to those around you the basic concept of queerness existing, and moreso about which specific identity you fall under, and that's where things get messy.

My friends and I shared our own thoughts and experiences. One is currently identifying as "unlabeled" because they haven't found a term that feels correct yet, and therefore hasn't come out because they wouldn't know what to say. One spoke about how when they first came out they were much more insistent on what terms or pronouns people used for them but as time has gone on they've grown to find joy in being inscrutable and letting others wonder what they're perceiving. One expressed that given the state of the world they've been retreating somewhat back into the closet for safety reasons rather than being super outward with their queerness like they used to and is working on learning to embrace those parts of themself again. One said they felt like they'd already been existing as queer and expressing that queerness "before I even had the terms to come out to myself" and is now working on catching up on the conscious end of figuring out what's what. I myself never really had an official "coming out", I just became increasingly visually/socially/vocally queer as I became more and more confident in who I was and what I wanted to be and who I had on some level always been, and decided if people didn't get the hint that's their own problem. I came into consciousness of my queerness during the early 2010s original tumblr MOGAI microlabel boom, where there was a ton of focus on figuring out the hyper specific identity labels that exactly described what you were experiencing. I did a lot of digging and soul searching and experienced a lot of unnecessary stress trying and failing to find my perfect labels and landed on clumsy terms like "full time drag queen" because it was the closest I could get to what I was feeling about my gender, only to be told it was problematic for me to call myself that as an AFAB person because drag "belongs to cis gay men" (don't get me started on that statement, that's a whole other essay lol) It was a real wake up call once I distanced from these aggressively labeled and segmented online spaces and made my way into real world queer communities where I was relieved to find that in fact no one there asks to check your membership card before letting you in, if you feel like you belong there you're welcome no questions asked.

I had other people in these communities referring to me as "queer" and "fag" and "gay" and "queen" before I felt comfortable doing so myself based on online Discourse I'd experienced over who is Allowed to use certain terms, and having these community leaders I respected recognizing those things in me and welcoming me in like that gave me the confidence to really find my own footing in ways that attempting to find my exact correct identity label so that I could officially proclaim it never did. Once I could answer the question of what I was with a shrug and "queer I guess!" things became so much easier. Microlabels can be incredibly helpful and liberating for some, don't get me wrong if it works for you that's great, but let's not pretend that everyone is going to have the same experiences.

So anyway, back to Noel. Noel has never, to my knowledge, ever had any sort of official “coming out” or explicitly referred to himself as queer. So I know there are people out there who will disagree with me considering him to be queer. But so much of what he’s said and done throughout his several decades long career has indicated to me that this is clearly someone of queer experience navigating the world as such, and just as the queers in my local community welcomed me as one of them before I knew to do it myself, I extend that welcome forward. 

Let’s take a look at some of the facts. In the public span of his career, Noel has.....(in no particular order, also if anyone wants to add additional instances of note in the reblogs or comments please feel free, this is by no means a fully comprehensive list) -repeatedly called himself "the woman of the Boosh" or Julian's/Howard's "wife" in ways that suggest that's how he actually felt about it rather than it just being a punchline that he was mistaken for female in the show [2] [3] [4] [5] [6] [7] [8] [9] [10] [11] [12] -referred to himself at the GQ "Man of the Year" awards as "never been a man" and "a sort of girl, he/she" -been referred to by Sandi Toksvig as being "on the cusp" in regards to gender, to which he reacts with amusement and acceptance -consistently expressed excitement and appreciation when others refer to him with feminine terms or say he looks like a girl [2] [3] [4] [5] [6] -said "I love being a man-woman, it's much more interesting than being one or the other" and expressed that the loved shooting the Boosh Electro episode for this reason -referred to Vince Noir (a character who he's been pretty open about being based on himself) as "wasn't seemingly one gender or the other" -expressed that he felt most free and happy when presenting femininely [2] -had Julian, one of the people closest to him, express that Noel and Sandi (an out lesbian) may have "real sexual chemistry" because Noel is "all over the shop, he's a different sex" -used the "Confuser" line of "Is it a boy? Is it a girl? I'm not sure I mind" to refer to himself rather than Vince, and express that he's had to work to find new ways to feel as androgynous as he'd like now that he's older -referred to himself as a lesbian [2] -said that he "sometimes looks in the mirror and sees a woman", in the same interview that Julian implies that Noel is in fact a girl -referred to himself as a "girl/boy" -consistently referred to himself with feminine terms on panel shows and bakeoff -made a joke on bakeoff about not being a testosterone-based person -responded positively when asked about the ways Boosh had influenced queer and nonbinary youth -has said he's "quite obsessed with the man/woman mixup thing" -has said if he was an animal he'd want to be a seahorse because the males get pregnant -Had Lee Mack, who Noel used to live with, refer to him as "the little transsexual one, yeah I think she's fantastic" in a Boosh documentary and "a young lady who came out here happy to be herself" in response to Noel's Wuthering Heights drag performance -had his own mother refer to him as "the daughter I always wanted" -described his own appearance as that of a "transsexual witch" and when an interviewer attempted to make fun of him for calling himself "a transgender witch" by showing Noel a drawing the interviewer clearly found repulsive, Noel responded that the interviewer was "holding up a mirror" and called the image his passport photo

And I'm not even going to bother citing sources on the countless times he's made comments suggesting romantic or sexual attraction towards men. Literally just watch any non-character appearance he's ever done, it's kind of his whole thing??? Not to mention his penchant for picking up explicitly queer and gnc character roles, and also just [gestures vaguely to everything Noel and Julian have said about each other suggesting romantic and sexual tension between them and how they used their characters as an excuse to explore those feelings in a less scary way, again that could be a whole other essay on its own but ooh boy] I also think there's something interesting to explore in the idea of Noel repeatedly referring to his appearance as transgender or transsexual rather than identifying himself as such- at what point does the appearance of something become reality?

It all begs the question- is it even a joke anymore if it's that consistent? Either it's not a joke and it's an authentic expression of his real feelings and experiences, or he for some reason really really wants everyone to believe that he's queer when he's not, with this behavior spanning back to a time before the concept of queerbaiting was on anyone's minds and when being publicly queer could mean the end of your career. Which scenario do you think is more likely? And, does someone who’s been conducting themself like this for their entire career really NEED to come out? Honestly, I find this level of simultaneous authenticity and inscrutability aspirational.

In this Velvet Onion interview from 2012, Noel compares his penchant for dresses to both Grayson Perry and Eddie Izzard. This is interesting because those two people represent pretty opposite intentions behind their presentation- Grayson identifies solidly as cis male, and for him the shock value of crossdressing is the point, saying “I signed up for a gender and I want them to be very clearly delineated so I know I’m dressing up in the wrong clothes.” This doesn't seem particularly in line with where Noel is coming from given him famously referring to himself as "the Confuser" and stating in that same Velvet Onion interview that he "never even bothered giving it a label, I never went oh I'm a transvestite, I just went yeah if I fancy wearing a dress I do, never really thought about it really" Eddie on the other hand has famously said "They're not women's clothes. They're my clothes, I bought them." indicating that they were a genuine part of her authentic expression rather than a crossdressing costume, and has subsequently over the years identified more and more solidly as transfemme. I find Eddie's trajectory particularly fascinating because it's been so non-linear. In the 90s when the language for transness was much less public knowledge, she referred to herself consistently as a transvestite- a cishet man who enjoyed dressing as a woman, as well as using terms like "male tomboy" and "male lesbian" and "a full boy plus extra girl". Despite doing most of her standup shows in femme looks, most of her acting jobs were male-presenting, and there was a period of time in the 2010s where she dropped the femme presentation entirely in an attempt to be taken more seriously as the "crossdressing" was seen by many as a gimmick. Swinging back around more recently, Eddie has been explicitly identifying as genderfluid and transfemme, and in recent years has made the decision to "be based in girl mode from now on", and use primarily she/her pronouns. Since this announcement, in her trans advocacy work Eddie has described herself as being "out" as trans since the 1980s despite all of the above. She always knew who she was, it's just she's gotten access to more accurate terms over time to describe what she was experiencing, as well as feeling more safe to do so the more that transness became a known and accepted concept in the public eye.

The interview I mentioned at the very start of this post isn't really a coming out from Noel. And I don't think we'll ever really get one from him. In my opinion Noel has spent the past several decades conducting himself as someone who is in fact already out- it’s pretty clear Noel knows and is proud of who he is regardless of how he chooses to describe that identity. At this point, making some sort of official statement would just be for the benefit of others looking for clarification on their own perception of him and people who want to be able to put him in one box or another, and that’s not what coming out should be. The statement in the new interview is not "I am genderfluid", its "I've always been genderfluid", simply putting an accurate name to what's always been publicly visibly true now that he's got the terms to do so.

[whereserpentswalk]

9:00 - Imperial standard calendar - Midwinter 31st - The sun rises above a small imperial world. The largest city on the planet, Varel Imperios, shines with architecture thousands of years old, as people awaken and go to work. Though they're safe here, the looming threat of war against the federation still loom above them, as war now looms in all of human space.

9:45 - ISC - MW31 - Some soldiers stationed in the city do their best to take their mind of things in one of the local pubs. Fresh human troops still aren't fully comfortable with the cyborg troops they're stationed with, and the younger cyborg troops aren't fully comfortable with their new bodies. A soldier, still wearing part of their power armor, tosses a few silver coins to the owner of one of the bars to play a song only they would know from their home planet millions of lightyears away.

10:30 - ISC - MW31 - An early class makes time feel like it lasts forever at an imperial university in a building hundreds of floors tall. A student looks out from the window at the city below him and starts talking with his classmate. He asks her what her major is, and she tells him she doesn't know yet. He starts info dumping about his major, studying alien cultures, she's impressed but he wonders if she'll want to talk to him after that.

12:00 - ISC - MW31 - Infront of the governors fortress a crowd of young people protest the war. At the moment the protest resembles a festival more than a rally, but that could change if the imperial guard shows up. A young woman stands among strangers, she's already a cyborg, and already estranged from her parents for that reason, she's trying her best to avoid imperial conscription, though that order has yet to hit this planet. She ends up talking to some other protesters, and after a few minutes they aren't strangers anymore, she hopes she can see them again tomorrow.

2:15 - ISC - MW31 - below a massive temple, in front of a large statue depicting a horned war god in power armor, a young priest looks out to a city street that looks so different from the quite perfection of the temple inside. He looks out at a beggar on the side of the street, that he should probably shoo from the temple, but he hands him a coin instead, thinking about what the first emperors would have done.

4:00 - ISC - MW31 - The commander of a federation fleet finally brings his ships above the city Varel Imperios, he thinks about how many troops must be stationed there, how much of a tactical victory an attack on it would be, and how many imperial bastards would die in the attack. He gives the orders to strike, completely blasting the city to nothing but ruins from orbit. He thinks about the glory of destroying just a small part of the imperium, thinks about how much suffering and hate the imperial people have caused, and how much he will prevent from destroying them. He can see the lasers destroy the governor's fortress and the imperial university, from space, he can even see the temples to their dark gods crumble. The federation celebrates this strike agasint the forces of evil. As the dark city is seen brought to ruin, the people of the federation as reminded that good can triumph in this war.

[blackstarchanx3new]

FSR rambles 19 traumatic things Link experianced

Pet him like a cat shadow.

At least Link's normal enough to get up now.

Awkward...

Shadow's like "Damn this is weird"

Link's selectively mute still but I'd struggle to talk with four dipshits screaming like cracked out squirrels in my head too so ya know, I don't even blame him for being shitty at communication with Shadow rn.

He's got his priorities in order: FOOD.

Okay but you know Link is mad his plan failed literally the day after he employed it.

I'd be pissed anyway XDDDD

The four of em fell asleep, wake back up and they're right back to square one, ground zero the shit storm he tried to escape from.

That's horrifying in a way I can't quite articulate. "Hopelessness" is the only word coming to mind. Like, everything he did, it didn't matter. It was all for nothing they're BACK to how they were.

His hopes that pulling the sword would fix it: Crushed.

The literal only difference is that Shadow's here.

Which, is BETTER but damn if the disappointment from Link isn't palpable. You can only imagine what's going through his head rn after all this shit, he's just defaulting to a LITTLE BIT of normalcy in making breakfast.

Shadow's back to defaulting to doing: well nothing.

He isn't helping Link and is just WATCHING. Smth literally just yesterday was ALL HE COULD DO.

They're both just defaulting to what they're used to because this shit is too weird.

Is nice of Link to make enough for Shadow though. XD

Haha okay I can get into this:

Literally Shadow and Link simultaneously know each other and don't.

In cannon: Shadow said ONE SENTANCE TO THIS MAN. A SINGLE THING. AND IT WAS MOCKING HIM LMFAO.

Yes Shadow had interaction with the colors but Link and Shadow: Nothing.

So of course he feels awkward around him.

They spent forever together and yet still feel so far away.

It's a tough situation.

Link pulling out the "you sure are quiet" is imo, him trying to be funny.

he continues with "thought you'd be more comfortable with me...at least considering how many times we've kissed"

Obviously this is in reference to Vio lmfao (...Also green but uh we'll get into that later). With Link's eyes matching Vio's.

Link is completely fucking with him and it's funny to me at least. Like he's so deadpan but he's being such a goof rn.

Though it is interesting to note how Link directly says Vio is him without any separation here. Since Vio also thought he was Link last night.

WHY WOULDN'T HE REMEMBER SMOOCHING YA SHADOW???

Shadow clearly not knowing HOW Link works is kinda hilarious but also, nobody knows how this works.

Link casually referencing what Vio said in the fire temple, it's much more obvious now he's goofing with Shadow rn.

Shadow realizing the obvious, that Link IS the same person he's been hanging around just mashed together is a small but good reminder. Like link isn't a stranger fully. He's still the four of them.

Shadow just asking "Is this for me" would seem weird but uhh remember:

He didn't have a BED. He's been a SHADOW for YEARS. Like. Shadow being neglected isn't new. So it's a sad notion but he is shocked he'd be given food.

Link kinda having a "Wtf u mean? duh it's for you." moment.

Also the bomb drop that Link knows about Dark Link...Oops.

Exactly what relationship/how he KNOWS about Dark is kinda, left open since he doesn't elaborate what so ever...

It can be assumed he just knows what everyone else does. Buuut. There's always that "but"

"Link what are you blabbing for they can hear you" - Shadow continuing to not understand how Link works. XD

I don't think it was mentioned anywhere before this but haha Blue was also in on the splitting Link plan. Vio and Red are the only ones left out of some of the loop it seems...But they were mainly worried about Vio catching on.

Link accuratly noting this nightmare isn't anything like the first time. Sorry buddy it's cause you're in an unrated comic by a weirdo fan vs any official Zelda comic. XDDD Which wouldn't allow 90% of what's in this comic I'm sure haha.

Also reasonable train of thought thought Shadow buddy about reverting back into a shadow. What a terrifying thought.

Aw Link's being sweet and- TRIFORCE

Yeah Shadow's sweating bullets considering uh the little fact Ganon said "Here catch, you're evil triforce of power man now"

Takes Link a second to remember back on that convo Shadow and Vio had about the triforce in the flashbacks. PG 179-182 ish if you're curious on brushing up on that.

Oh hi Vio.

I don't think a lot of people caught that this was Vio's design from FS. Which is why Shadow was SO DISTURBED to see him like that. Link's very all over the place mentally and it's showing with his appearance. He's unstable as all hell right now.

Blue chiming in with "Wait a damn minute" remembering Zelda ALSO has the Triforce on her hand.

Vio and Red are being obtuse/ignorant while Blue and Green know smth's up and are getting pissy about it.

Which just makes Link: All over the damn spectrum of emotion about this right now haha.

I'd get tonal whiplash too Shadow.

Link going down the list of things he thought Shadow would want haha.

and Shadow's gay lil confession that all he really wants is Link is sweet.

I mean what else does he have to strive for? He gave up on a lot of his old dreams as pointless after becoming apart of the endless cycle of hatred.

It's noteworthy that Link's outfit glitches to black again.

The line "Which you" was a very fun one to come up with. Because it just, hits ya.

Link isn't one entity. He's multiple. And he literally can't tell who Shadow's talking to in that moment. Because the underlying assumption (To Link and this will become obvious) is that Shadow really only cares about Vio.

All of last night is probably a complete blur/emotional whiplash around Shadow For Link.

Shadow threw a sword at Blue and was VERY hostile, was ALL OVER THE PLACE emotionally with Green mostly being bitter as hell, didn't really acknowledge red and Vio had a complete meltdown over his guilt surrounding Shadow and their friendship and relationship as a whole was all over the place.

Cram that all back together and what is Link supposed to take away from all that. Overall dude had a net negative experience with Shadow and now he's telling him he wants him?

I'd be confused as hell too.

Hi Zelda.

Safe to say that was inevitable given how badly Link was bugging out this entire time.

He couldn't handle seeing Zelda haha.

I don't think people caught Vio is just in his "headspace" outfit. Except it isn't pastel color palette.

Panic attack, featuring Blue. He was the most vocally insistent they draw the sword, was activly trying to force his way out of Link's mish mash body during that whole ordeal. The main take away is that: He HATES being In Link and that was just about the worst nightmare come to life for him.

He doesn't even want Red to touch him, which considering the way it's all but stated Link's magical body is just their bodies pressed together into one form makes the angle that they're all LITERALLY touching each other that much more...ehhh disturbing.

It's okay guys he just needs a minute alone-

Hah. Everyone's leaving you Vio. Doesn't press on the ol anxieties or anything.

Doesn't make it easy for a certain someone to come visit you.

Vio's insecurities focusing around being ALONE and himself are smth that's been fun.

He mainly wants to be Link out of pure selfishness and self hatred. Link is an escape from his own accountability, a way for him to keep himself in check. While Blue finds it to be an outright prison.

Everything Dark is saying about here Vio could also be applied to himself and even Dark says that. He looks miserable while saying it too since Vio's problems are starting to hit a lot closer to home.

At least we got Shadow to yank Vio out of his funk. But Dark has no one to do that for him.

Shadow petting Vio's face here while in a headlock is just, funny to me. Shadow can't affection properly at all lmfao.

But hey he knows when our lil buddy is active. Oops.

Oh the fun they have together alright. 😏

It'll be a real wet and fun time-

What the hell Dark is talking about is left pretty open for now.

But he is getting sick of just sad reactions to what he says.

He's nervous when faced with women. Same bro.

Green and Shadow begging for help on wtf to do with their new squid monster is pretty hilarious to me.

Vio's being perceptive.

"IT IS!?" yeah red. And if you were an interesting character I'd write you doing things. :D

HAH. TRAUMA. DARK LINK RELATED TRAUMA.

Surely that won't bite us in the ass later or anything...

Vio's outfit is very covered up because he's emotionally closed off yada yads I've mentioned this before.

This hasn't been brought up in the comic but Green is afraid of tentacles lmfao so his fear at Dark rn is warranted.

Shadow blatantly not caring what Dark is doing rn because he's busy

Zelda notices right away that Dark defied vaati which must have been weird for her in real time hah.

Shadow's instant response to what to do with Dark is "Murder"

Nice to see you've grown so much shadow lmfao.

Notice how Link being around isn't even the thinly vailed excuse dude just doesn't like Dark Link lmfao. Most of what he said to Dark last night imo was pure projection and again: Not because he cared about Dark. But now he feels like they have an easy to to get rid of him via Zelda. Doesn't have to confront weird feelings if the guy is gone ooomf.

Zelda isn't outright apposed to getting rid of Dark Link but is like "Uhh...But what about link tho-"

Shadow noticed his hair change.

I'm sure he noticed earlier, it's right in his eye sight but background detail of him actually looking at it like "Wtf?"

Also fun pressure to put on Green when he's strung out to shit rn.

HI DARK LINK! :D

Uhhhhhh. Okay then.

So Green's got murder trauma.

He's also just sick of the responsibilities piling on him like a crushing weight.

There's smth to be said about how Dark isn't a murderer so, doesn't have blood around his feet haha visual metaphores haha.

So clarity: Link as a whole person murdered the people who killed his father. And Vio and Green were the ones who had main control in that moment.

Hope that clears some stuff up.

Dark finds this shit hilarious because he's sadistic but Green snaps out of the panic to realize THIS GUY IS DARK LINK.

The moment Green switches from his helpless attire into his current fit was very fun emotionally cause this was the first time someone had ANY amount of control when facing Dark Link. (Excluding Shadow I suppose, in terms of the colors anyway)

Green being a badass is just smth I enjoy and the "Oh shit moment" was very fun to watch people react to haha.

Dark was so excited when seeing Green acknowledge him.

It really goes to show all of his "Nyeh you're such a shitty person" talk is literally not even his own opinion when it comes to the four colors. He's literally just repeating their insecurities and nothing else. Those words have NO BITE to them because Dark doesn't even believe it.

He's so excited to see Green because Green's the ONLY PERSON Who's truly acknowledged him in the head space.

Dark being so overwhelmed with joy he vomits.

Dark really doesn't have a lot of emotional regulation emotionally or physically. Like. The idea here is he's just, so excited he literally physically cannot handle that shit haha. I made a shitpost about it once but it's kinda just, accurate. XD

Green's like "Wtf is wrong with you"

because this isn't ANYTHING he thought he'd be dealing with considering how Shadow was acting/talking about him lmfao.

He was expecting Shadow 2.0 and got...This guy.

Guy who apologizes when acting goofy as shit

Guy who is excited to see him overjoyed even...After utterly destroying him not 2 seconds ago.

Just. A silly. Goofy guy.

It is fun to have Dark switch IMEDIATELY to depressed as hell thinking about how he's been so alone.

I would really describe Dark's excitement here as pure mania. because at the root Dark is a depressed individual.

Dark gives no shits when faced with death.

No begging or pleading for his life just "idk do what you want to I don't care"

Which, Dark Link's lack of care for his own personal safety has been shown off before and will only be a continued trend.

At the end of the day it shows a clear lack of self respect or care for himself.

Dark doesn't value himself.

Green's mercy here is rooted in his own selfishness.

He doesn't WANT to kill Dark Link because he doesn't want to hurt people. Which him and Vio did.

Green is ALSO very exhausted. And what you get is two individuals who would typically be at each other's throats, who aren't interested in fighting each other because they're just so worn out. The drive just isn't there.

Which leads them to being able to actually talk to each other in a meaningful way. And I just find that interesting.

Under different circumstances, these two very well could have fought here. XD

[king-odysseus-of-ithaca]

(obligatory "keep reading" section because this accidentally turned into a long post whoops)

I'm always so anxious about interacting with other EPIC/EPIC-adjacent kins, because I feel like I might end up overstepping and making things awkward. Especially with a Penelope or Telemachus. There’s always that fear of rejection, even when every part of me wants to reach out and talk to them, even when I miss them like nothing else.

It’s kind of funny—or, well, not really—but I felt a similar way those first few months (first year? More than that? Less? I don’t know, time is strange) back home after 20 years apart. Many people like to think that everything mostly went back to normal, or if not normal then calm and warm and soft and peaceful. And, well, it was, in a way. There were times when it was.

But it also wasn’t that simple. I was gone for 20 years. Penelope and I had been apart for 20 years, and Telemachus and I had never gotten the chance to know each other during those 20 years. I had to relearn everything—we all did, since a lot of things changed since I was gone and a lot more changed when I came back. I had to relearn who Penelope was, because she had changed too, and I had to learn who my son was, which—while awkward and tense at times—was the greatest joy I had ever experienced. It was a good thing, learning and relearning about the people I love most, but it was also difficult because, well, 20 years. 20 years of being apart and going through our own traumas. 20 years, and now suddenly reunited and whole, except the pieces didn't quite fit together neatly just yet, because healing is a difficult thing.

I remember that interactions with my son were often strained, because I was essentially a stranger to him. A dangerous stranger, with too much blood on his hands and too many sharp edges, angry and unstable and tired of being so. Meanwhile, Telemachus had just been freed from a bunch of vile men taking over his home and plotting harm against both him and his mother, after which I was suddenly in the picture again. So I do not blame him for being wary, even if it hurt and I felt terrible about it. Even I was wary of myself, even after Telemachus warmed up to me, even after he eventually told me he trusted me (which I then cried about).

It was a slow and bumpy process, coming back together and loving each other and being with each other, all three of us, but it was worth it. Everything would always be worth it, if it meant getting to be with my family and being whole again.

Those first few months(?) after I came back home were similar to what I feel now. Not quite the same, but similar enough. Because... that life? That life was forcefully pushed to the past and I am separated from my family once more, and again it has been so long. With all those years apart again plus an entire lifetime this time, not to mention I don't even know if they're my canonmates, trying to interact with these Penelope and Telemachus kins has me flailing on what to say and how to act. And gods, every time I do interact with them—canonmate or not, because they're still my sourcemates and my family, even if they might not be my version of them—it leaves me feeling both giddy and yearning. I miss them. I want to talk to them. But I don't know how, and I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable, so I end up lurking most of the time and staring longingly from afar.

(...This was not meant to be a vent. And it was supposed to be short. What the fuck even happened here.)

[nabaath-areng]

The weirdest part about FFXIV for me now is that for years I considered myself a newbie. I was always around people who had played longer than me, both legacy and not, and with it also being my first ever MMO they all seemed so experienced to me.

... And here I am now, forgetting that I am in a sense closer to all those players I looked up to back then. Year after year I've seen fewer and fewer legacy mounts and titles, and as time goes by I am more and more shocked by how many I interact with who describe Shadowbringers as "the old days". And not only that, I realize then that 5 years IS a long time, and that all the things I keep thinking of as new and flashy (Gpose, job gauges etc) have been in the game longer than they have not.

Mind you, I became psychotic less than a year into my FFXIV career, and then I spent nearly a decade after that trying to heal from both that as well as the paranoia it left me with, so in a sense the years 2015-2022 might as well not have happened in terms of me remembering them in a way that matters. My vague measure of time between 2014 to 2019 in particular is only possible because I memorized FFXIV patches, since the game was practically the only thing keeping me both sane and alive. I cannot tell you what I did IRL in November 2015, but I can tell you what I did during patch 3.1.

And I guess that's why it all feels so mindfucky to me? It's not like I can look back at my years in FFXIV like normal memories, so realizing that 10 years have passed in what to me felt like the blink of an eye, and then having to reconcile with my self perception and reality not quite adding up... it just makes it feel so weird? It kinda feels like waking up from a time bubble, where everyone else has lived normally and you have to adapt super fast to keep up with the changes you barely have time to process.

In a strange sense, many of the people I knew and loved at the time feel like fuzzy figures to me. Some of them I cannot even recall the names of, and some I remember nothing except for their names. I know they were real, because I have screenshots of us playing the game together... but it still feels very little like they're my own memories. It's not like amnesia, but I don't know how to describe it.

They're kind of like the Warrior's of Light who vanished during the Calamity as described in ARR. I know these people were there, and I know that they saved me when everything seemed hopeless... and yet when I try to recall their faces, all I see is light behind silouettes. When I try to say their names, they disappear on my tongue.

And it feels so shitty, because why wouldn't I remember people who were super close to me? But that was the nasty thing with being psychotic, I was so caught up with being constantly in terror, and being unable to determine what was real or not, that even the good things aren't more than vague flickers of light amidst the hopeless darkness I was in. I can barely claim to be the same person, because those years stole "me" for lack of a better way of putting it.

I feel like I came out of that situation a completely different person, someone who is ultimately more "real"... but that makes me question whether the people I held dear actually knew me. They knew a broken down person bearing my name, but I don't recognize that person at all. It was practically a stranger behind the wheel veering off the road over and over again and causing more damage to the vehicle itself.

And it sounds so stupid, I know, but FFXIV sincerely was my sole lifeline. It was the only normal thing... and yet it didn't shield me from the repercussions of losing my sense of self, as is evident in hindsight now that I'm out of the abyss that was my abode for years. It's like I fell asleep at 19 and woke up at 24, and suddenly I had to recalibrate the way I viewed myself and the way I no longer felt like I belonged with other people my age. And then another couple years were spent catching up and trying to "age" myself accordingly. All while fighting to rid myself of the paranoia and delusions that still had me in a chokehold.

And here I am now, running around in FFXIV, free from my delusions and my paranoia once and for all... all while still looking for the people that were around me when I had just started playing, and trying to process that the one safe place I had was just as fleeting as everything else in my life after all.

I should have known that, it's an obvious thing when spelling it out like such. But it shows me that despite having come this far, there's still a lot of work for me to do, and a lot of grief to come to terms with about everything I lost. Things that one may take for granted, that can never be reclaimed once it's gone.

[marcholasmoth]

OSRR: 3653

today marks ten years since i started these entries.

the day i started was august 7th, 2014.

today is august 7th, 2024.

it doesn't feel like it's been all that long at all.

as i made this realization this morning, i was able to spend the day and think about how i've changed over the last ten years, about the things that have happened, about the person i've become. about what i would say to me ten years ago.

the long and short of it is this:

i grew up.

and i don't like thinking about it that way because that means my childhood is long gone, never to return. that everything from here on out is going to be hard.

so as i sit here crying, mourning that loss that i will never truly recover from, i also reflect on the personal growth i've made.

i have less tolerance for bullshit and i'm not afraid to have opinions. i found a group of people who love me for who i am and not what i can do for them. yes i am living paycheck to paycheck, but i no longer consider myself completely broke. i've gotten better at managing my time and my money. i've earned not one, not two, but three separate degrees, the highest of which was earned from a prestigious university. i have a close relationship with my sister. i've reconnected with some high school friends. i've lost so many other friends due to circumstances i was unwilling to accept any longer. i've loved and lost, but i'm happy to have loved. and even now, i have a partner who i've been with for more than half of the decade! and it's been wonderful.

i've had a dozen different jobs in different industries, i've used my knowledge to help people in a lot of places. i've made friends with people across the world and i've seen people blossom into who they're truly meant to be. and i know that everyone is a work in progress. so am i.

i'm not quite done yet. i'm almost ready to come out of the oven.

and maybe the closet, too.

in all of my thoughts today, the ones that have stood out the most have been of how i treat other people and my mental health. over the years, i've seen people from high school who i didn't really spend time around because they were in the "popular" crowd. i instantly recognized them. they were probably too busy to even try to think of where they might've known my face from. but i've learned that it's important to treat people with kindness, respect, and love, regardless of your personal history with them. that everyone deserves respect and dignity, regardless of who they are. of course, even i have my limits, but those who are out of the limits of my patience and care are usually bigots, fascists, neo-nazis, and any combination of things including any of those parts.

and my mental health - what a difference. it's night and day for how it is in my head. being properly medicated and stable and KNOWING that's it's more than "just depression" or "just anxiety" and having a therapist who understands all of it? it's a game-changer. it's great.

what i would tell myself ten years ago would be mostly about how it ends up and the process of getting there. you end up stable. you get a therapist who you love and who helps you get to the root of the trauma you don't even realize you have yet. you have people who love you more than you even know. people love you for who you are, mental illnesses, disabilities, and all. you take up crafting and d&d and playing games. you meet someone adorable and hilarious and he makes your days brighter. you lose your faith and your friends, but after all the anger and grief, you come out stronger than you ever thought you could be. and despite all of the horrors you see in the world, you're still softer than you think. you count bunnies on the way into work. you cry over your waitress, begging the universe to let her smile freely. you smile at and wave to a perfect stranger who doesn't speak your language on your way back to your car, even after a long day.

there's a lot of pain, yes.

but there is so much more beauty than you can possibly imagine.

see it. feel it. embrace it.

but most importantly, share it.

[mysticstarlightduck]

OC Interview Tag

Thank you so much for the tag, @kaylinalexanderbooks!!!! (here)

I'll go with Nimwen from Of Starlight and Beasts because I don't think I've done one of these for her yet!

Are you named after anyone?

"I was named after my paternal grandmother. My parents' marriage was severely looked down upon by my mother's side of the family, because Dad wasn't of noble birth. They decided to choose the name because it was a nice keeping my grandma's memory alive but also a little bit as a way to stick it to my maternal grandparents. Her relatives never really got over their union, and didn't rest until they got the King himself - who was apparently a family friend - to annul my parents' marriage. Her family then arranged for Mom to marry some random noble from a 'proper House' - despite her protests - and cast my father and I out of their social circle."

When was the last time you cried?

"Hmm. That's uh... quite the question, isn't it? Very personal all of the sudden, y'know (her hands squirm and she laughs awkwardly). Let's just say... I have nightmares, and some of them are more... severe than others and sometimes end up crying because of it. I had one recently. I won't go into detail about the dreams though - that's not for you to know. Only Scarlet knows, and even he doesn't know the extra gory details."

Do you have kids?

"Certainly not! I'm barely a grownup and I don't think I should be left in charge of anyone other than myself - Scarlet is always going on like (she mimics her adoptive brother's voice and tone) 'why don't you take care of yourself?' or 'didn't you think this through before doing it? Again, Nim?', so maybe I perhaps might not be the most responsible person to grace this earth. I know, shocking. (giggles). But in all seriousness, I have far too much going on in my life to even think about something like that in the coming years - unless you count my friend Syp as a kid, because he's the youngest of our bunch and is always following me like a little shadow."

Do you use sarcasm a lot?

"No, not really. I'm usually too nervous about hurting someone's feelings or being misunderstood in what I'm trying to say or causing a mess, to the point that I somehow end up just fumbling over my words and making a fool out of myself. Scarlet is the king of sarcasm though, he always knows what to say or how to come up with a sarcastic quip at the right timing. I'm not that lucky (laughs awkwardly). He says I'm fine the way I am and that I don't need to change to be like others, but I do wish I was more eloquent like him."

What’s the first thing you notice about people?

"If they're dangerous or could be a potential threat. I've learned the hard way not to trust too many strangers and still struggle with a lot of... ghosts from my past, per se, looking to strike me down so I've got to be on the lookout for anyone that looks like they could work for the King or the Royal Guard. I also notice their stance and if I can use the terrain around us to my advantage to escape if need be."

What’s your eye colour?

"Dark blue, like my Mom's! I've got Dad's long strawberry blond hair to remember him by though, so that's nice. It's like I've got a little bit of both of them with me at all times - which is comforting, and sad, and a little bit weird. But nice."

Scary movies or happy endings?

"Happy endings, happy endings all the way! I hate scary stories - there's enough terror, and gore and violence and hatred in our world, why should we be subjected to those things in the very fiction that is meant to let us escape it? I hate when the other kids in our bunch start telling horror stories when we're gathered around the campfire - it usually leaves me up all night thinking about it! I know this is probably very silly of me. But I still don't like scary stories one bit and I will keep not liking them until the end of time itself because I don't like being scared."

Any special talents?

"I'm very good at hiding - when you're the daughter of someone who was executed for treason he didn't commit, you learn to hide like your life depends on it, because it really does. Scarlet has also taught me how to shoot the bow and arrow, and I'm... average at it. If I really, really focus I can hit close to the target of my choice, or even hit the target itself if I'm lucky, but if I have to do so whilst moving that arrow is missing the target by a mile. I also know how to sew and embroider, as well as play the harp, which are things my father taught me when I was a child and I haven't really done in a while, so I wouldn't know whether or not I'm still any good at it."

Where were you born?

"I was born in the city of Sylla - which used to belong to another kingdom but was annexed by Tirawen around forty years ago. My Mom comes from a long line of Tirawenian nobles, who moved to Sylla when she was a child because they were given land - a lot of land - in the conquered terrioty by the royal family. My Dad came from a local family of much humbler standing, and he'd risen in the ranks of society by pursuing a career as dyplomat. It didn't end well, as you probably already realized."

Do you have any pets?

"Scarlet has a pet hawk called Arrow! I consider it my pet as well. My brother has trained Arrow to carry messages for us and to hunt. Sometimes he also sends it to scout terrain ahead to check if it's safe for us to pass. Arrow is the most adorable, cutest little bird of prey you'll ever hope to meet! He loves snacks and always chirps happily when you pet his feathers!"

What sort of sports do you play?

"Oh, many! The other kids in our little group of 'outlaws' are always coming up with new things to spend our time doing, so I'm never bored! If anything I'm the opposite. I'm also very good at running, climbing and jumping! And as I mentioned I have a passable knowledge of archery."

How tall are you?

"I would say average height, I never really put much thought into measuring my height, but I seem to be somewhere in the middle between tall and short. Scarlet is very, very tall, so I don't think he counts as a comparison, but my height is similar to that of most of our friends."

What was your favourite subject in school?

"... I uh, didn't really get to attend any of the schools and academies of the kingdom. With the whole 'my dad getting beheaded for treason' ordeal happened when I was really young so I didn't really get a chance. But I think I would've liked to attend the royal academies - I used to love books!!! I still do, but there aren't many opportunities to read when you're living in the forests as an outlaw."

What is your dream job?

"Okay, now, don't laugh, but when I was a little kid I used to dream of growing up to be a pirate - I loved reading tales about pirate adventures and the sort, and couldn't wait to see the ocean one day. I even got a cute little pirate costume for my sixth birthday! But I do realize now real life pirates probably aren't really that nice though. Nowadays I would say my dream job is to become something like a physician or an apothecary - I would love to help more people, especially those who don't have the means to afford healing, because the kingdom all too often tends to forget they exist."

Tagging (gently, no pressure):@steh-lar-uh-nuhs @inky-duchess @late-to-the-fandom @eccaiia, @willtheweaver @littleladymab @cabbojage @lassiesandiego @little-peril-stories @oh-no-another-idea @thepeculiarbird @rickie-the-storyteller @crowandmoonwriting @steh-lar-uh-nuhs @gummybugg @forthesanityofstorytellers @doublegoblin @aalinaaaaaa @starlit-hopes-and-dreams @elshells @clairelsonao3 @anyablackwood @tabswrites and OPEN TAG

[ashadowofburnedoutstardust]

Hello again anon 🐯

Yeah, this bullshitshow has been anything but private

I don't think this man has any comprehension of the damage he has done to his image

As it stands he currently has no audience, no fandom, very little to motivate anyone to follow him around regardless of whatever project he has going

His fans are losing interest?

I started watching the video for the award and lost interest so I have no idea what's been said and I have zero interest in finding out, but then I'm not a Chris Evans fan either, I just stumbled across them after having a weird prophetic dream and following the algorithmic narratives

For the most part, they're pretty awesome people. I didn't like seeing them treated the way they have been so I took what action I could. I'm pretty picky about people and they're the only reason I've stuck around this long

He needs a better team?

He doesn't just need a new team, he needs a new name, a new house, a new life; the man needs to disappear out of the pure embarrassment he's caused himself and all of those around him

And he's badly embarrassed his fans by proxy for having supported someone with no fucking spine willing to betray even the lies he used to help con them with

(Sorry to be harsh, I haven't had dinner yet and it has been a long day at work)

Is he being honest with himself meaning it wouldn't end up like this?

I do truly wonder if he understands that he has also bought into his own image. Does he think that any part of the persona hes had curated over the years actually reflects who he is?

Christopher, you are nothing like any of the characters you've played and each piece of them that's been published in place of your actual personality traits in articles is simply another lie to yourself

Being private doesn't mean being ashamed?

If hes not he should be. Ashamed. Ashamed. Ashamed.

It ties into the lies he's told himself. Honey blocking people is not going to make them stop talking about you

If you are genuinely so scared that telling the truth about whats gone on then maybe you shouldn't have been doing it to begin with

Christopher if this is truly your choice, to fuck around with 20 somethings at your fucking age then yes you should be ashamed because you are a Hollywood cliche and still emotionally a 15 year old boy, basically a rich pervert and theres no amount of PR cleaning that's going to get you out of that after so badly knocking down the fan support system holding you up and paying your bills

Your team aren't the only ones who have been coasting

It's odd a little for me. I tend to be optimistic by nature and not the "hyper-critical debunking character" I've played so much on my blog so there is that genuine little part of me that despite not being a fan I really do want a positive outcome for him

But let me be clear about this: it's not that I'm hoping for it for him, I'm hoping for it for his fans

When you are strangers on the internet it can be a lot easier to let things out to people when you have a safe place to do it from behind an internet profile. Like I've said before I've talked to thousands of his fans by now and the number of them that were distressed, that needed a safe place to vent is extensive

I may not be a mean person IRL, (I get called bubbly.....a lot lol) but I'm fairly sure after spending so much time consoling so many of them I could summon genuine enough rage to scare him straight, or at the very least some common fucking sense

These days I work in....well......let's generalise and say Healthcare; it's a very people focused job where taking into consideration that you have no idea what's going on in the rest of their life and how that affects their experience when they are in the establishment, the ability to empathise with so many people every day is really quite a natural thing for me despite my general introversion

But there are some things you have to learn to be firm on and is one of the most difficult lessons I had to learn to do my job and help make the environment a better place

I have to say I don't think this man has ever learned how to establish boundaries with literally anyone, no wonder I got the impression he needed a strong woman to tell him what to do

(He really does need a replacement Lisa that tells him what to do, but also one that's actually happy to actually do it no woman should ever let a man put their emotional labour on them)

I've done my best to fuck up their narrative bullshitshow as much as possible as revenge for fucking with the fandom friends I had and lost because of what they did

Indeed anon, good luck Chris. If you never learn to stand your ground in a meaningful way nothing will ever change

Do something different

[hedge-rambles]

Terrible isekai guides you might meet

Ok I keep thinking about that post about someone not believing the stupid rules of the fantasy land they're in I reblogged the other day and I'm now trying to think of just terrible options for meeting your guide to this new world when you get isekai'd.

The conspiracy theorist: You've got no background here, so sadly it's not your fault you don't clock that the faun you met after walking through that magic wardrobe is actually a nutjob.

You're quite a way into your quest to defeat the dark lord before you find out he's really a duly elected politician and probably does not, in fact, keep a dungeon full of tortured gnomes beneath his castle.

"Yeah, if you believe the establishment" says the faun, rolling his eyes. With hindsight, you recall the fact he lived alone in a shack in the woods and how perhaps you should have thought more about that.

The helpful AI: You awaken in a futuristic looking facility, your last memory is of sticking a fork in the toaster like your mother always told you not to. There's a console to your right, and the text is in your own language! "Hello, how may I help you today?" the speaker announces in a friendly tone. You tentatively say "where am I?", but are still surprised when the voice answers.

They've clearly improved things a lot since your day, but it's still embarrassing how long, and how many failed solutions to problems it presented, before you finally twig that it's still just an LLM. They've got the voice tone right, and the speech is far more natural, but it's still basically a hallucinating predictive text machine. You begin to doubt everything it's told you.

The confident idiot: Look, it's not their fault they never got a decent education. Just like it's not your fault you don't know enough about this place to know how wrong they are. Maybe the moon here really is a projection on the sky? It's not, and they've clearly misunderstood something they once heard about how the light of the moon is actually reflecting off it, but you weren't to know that. I mean, you just saw a fucking unicorn, all bets were off.

Sadly for you, the helpful young man who found you lying in the middle of the road and nursed you back to health, is kind of an idiot. Helpful, has the best of intentions at heart, but still an idiot. And worse yet, he's just intelligent enough to make logical leaps from all the information he's misunderstood over the years. Everything he taught you is like 40-70% right, or close to right, and you realise it's probably going to take twice as long to unpick which of the things you learnt were true and which bits weren't.

It's five years later, and you're still stuck in that strange world, you're used to it now, this is your home. In the tavern one evening you take a moment to lean over to a trusted companion and utter the stupidest sentence you've ever said: "So, uh, weird question but...do unicorns actually have venomous horns?"

The cultist: Yeah so uh, listen they seemed so nice when they met you! The friendly woman in the shining white armour, who couldn't do enough to help this lost stranger in her land.

Later you learn the visual shorthand here is a bit different to the one you grew up with and you've joined the great war between Good and Evil on the side of Evil. Whoops.

The skull-helmeted warrior-priests of the squid god are the good guys. Actually, it makes a sort of sense when you think about it, that the guys with the lion motif on their breastplates are the bad guys. Lions will eat humans; squid are mostly just delicious. And of course a cultist is friendly to a lost person seemingly with no connections, that's how cults work back in your world too, dummy. Shame they want to "end the world in blood" and all that.

[idkanametoputhere]

MID!!!!

CONGRATS U LIL BUNDLE OF CHAOS !!! MAY MANY MORE FOLLOWERS COME YOUR WAY!!!

*balloons an streamers an confetti galore*

may I request Deuce Spade w/ Young by Vacations? surprise me u chaotic child

AHHHHH THANK U LOVE<33

tbh idk the song so I will leave space here for me to say my thoughts on it after I've listened to it:

OMG IK THIS SONG!!!!

ALSO I am SO SORRY for the delay, the wifi in my village has been out since Saturday morning and now they're trying to fix it but yeah enough with my rambling, ahem

type: angst

pronouns: they/them

character: deuce spade

song inspo: Young by Vacations

tw: cussing, me taking inspiration from real life, how I imagine delinquent deuce

this fic is part of my 100 followers event

masterlist&lt;3

if you ask anyone if they have a childhood best friend, the majority of people will say that they did

deuce spade is one of them, a guy with an oh so supportive best friend who managed to get him out of trouble while still having fun

or well, at least he had a friend like that, you know, before he pushed them away

"Another day goes by

And where was I?"

it was sad to be honest, or more specifically lonely. the friend they had supported all their life, the friend they had turned to whenever they were sad, the friend whose side they stood by through thick and thin had pushed them aside

their blue haired friend was going through a "phase" as you could call it, he wanted to be perceived as a troublemaker, a tough guy who did mischevious deeds. and being friends with someone who had the reputation of a sweetheart was not really fitting for that reputation. and so the two unspeakable friends were suddenly separated

meanwhile the friend kept coming back

"Didn't think I'd still be here

Just to make things clear"

they were a fool to put it simply. a fool attached to their childhood dream of having a close friend. and they tried so hard to stay by his side. to keep supporting him through every one of his decisions

but in every relationship, friendship or not, there needs to be mutual affection for it to work. not just one sad fool, a jester in their own castle, who clings to every pice of affection shown towards them as if they'll fall into the abyss if they let go

"What's the use?"

they considered themselves a smart person. someone who can realise when they are unwanted and yet, they couldn't seem to be able to step away from their friend. they were unable to stop themself from checking at their phone, waiting for a text that would signal them hanging out with deuce

"I'm not talking sense"

everyone was worried about them. "it's fine" they claimed. "he's just been busy, so have i" they said. how many excuses have they come up with so they could lie to the ones who cared about them? or maybe they were lying to themself, they needed those lies to be happy

imagine a flower hidden from the sun. it needs the sunlight, but it is not given to the flower. it tried to find it, but someone placed it in the shadows and therefore it can do nothing but try to get close to its beloved sunlight before it dies

except their sun was not rising just so he wouldn't give sunlight to them

"Call it a ruse

On myself"

"hi" one time, they greeted him and he just quicly and awkwardly greeted them back

"hi deuce" another time, this time they got answered with just a small wave

"hi"

"hello"

"hi"

time and time again, they were greeted back by a quick wave and a roll of the eyes, until one day he just started ignoring them, not even sparing them a glance

and all the lies they had been feeding themself to feel better suddenly disappeared and they were able to see the truth

the truth was quite simple, once they were friends, shared every moment together, sad or not, they had made plans together for the future. and now? now they were nothing more than mere strangers, just like they had started

years of friendship down the drain for the sake of being "cool". pretty funny, isn't it?

"I wanted to go"

the worst thing in all of this was probably watching him with his friends at school or outside

for so long it had been them standing by his side, only for them to be replaced?

call them dramatic but losing such a close friend of theirs affected them a lot. it was as if their whole world had crashed down around them and someone was keeping them from rebuilding it

and the years passed like that, with the well-known sweetheart avoiding one person in particular as they focused on everything but him

and then it was time for both of them to be enrolled at the same college, NRC. and -you wouldn't guess- their luck is so good that they were put in the same dorm as deuce

but speaking of deuce, what about him?

"I wanted to say

All things come to pass

With time"

deuce knew he had fucked up. he knew that what he did was horrible, and now that he had gone out of that delinquent phase of his, he wanted to do nothing more than apologise to his old friend

he missed how they took care of any injuries he had after falling, he missed them sharing their lunch cause he forgot his, he missed them listening to him talking. and most of all, he missed their presence. he missed the warm smile they gave him and their melodic laugh

he thought that enough time had passed so that they would move over what happened, forgive and forget and all that. except he hadn't considered how hurt his old friend was, and how stuck on the past they were, for a good reason that is

and so every time he tried approaching them they turned away, avoiding him like that plague

"But I want everything now

To be all mine"

was he asking for too much? he just wanted his friend back! he knew he had wronged them but they could talk it over and make up, just like that! they weren't children anymore, were they? there was no need for petty arguments!

except of course if one of the two had years of pent up anger and pain caused by the other, then petty arguments were the way to go I suppose

"You think it's all over

Get up and try again"

and so it went, argument after argument, one each day. there were countless times when they were collared by their dorm leader because they were causing a ruckus, and he was right to do that

their fights were messy. no insults were thrown at eachother, there was a time when they cared for eachother so they didn't have the heart to be mean to eachother

but there were some ugly remarks being made

"You've got to act your age, darling"

"can't you just listen to me for one second?"

"couldn't you have, you know, not pushed me aside for literally no reason?"

"grow up"

yet another screaming match between the two. not the first one, and probably not the last one either

they say that, if two people are trying to solve a problem, there needs to be proper communication between them. can you see what the two heroes of our story are lacking? just that, exactly

"I was a kid, I was dumb, I get it and I'm sorry" yelled the ravenette, desperate to have his friend back. "good thing you realised you were dumb, but I was also a kid! and I was there for you since we were babies! you pushed me aside deuce, without any reason. you looked at me as if I was a stranger! you ignored me and never even gave me a reason why!" they screamed at his face, their eyes glossy, tears threatening to spill from their anger.

"do you k own how much that hurt? I was lying to everyone -i was lying to my own self for seven's sake- saying that 'oh no we're still friends. he still cares about me'. bullshit!" they kept on yelling as tears started running down their face

and then he realised how much he had hurt them. how much his own stupid actions had fucked up his most valued friendship

"Before you fall back in"

"I'm sorry" was the inky thing he could say the feeling of guilt running through his mind, like a virus infecting a body and making it weak, only able to respond to said virus

guilt, shame, regret, despair

he realised he had opened pandora's box, and he didn't know if there was hope at the bottom of it.

a/n: okay I got a bit carried away BUT CAN U BLAME ME? ITS A GOOD SONG THAT GIVES ME GREAT INSPIRATION AND I HAD NO INTERNET

[avatarskywalker78]

I saw your ask for @/arrthurpendragon and first of all it was SO sweet and I'm so glad to have met and befriended you!!!! 💜💜💜 second of all you mentioned you also have an old guard oc and if you're willing to share I'd like to hear about them ❤

You're very welcome and I am always happy to talk about my OCs!! The fic will start two months after the film and the OC is Lexa Sullivan (faceclaim Naomi Scott), thirty-two years old, a former soldier in the British Army and current Red Cross worker, who - in a twist of fate - is not killed as a result of her work but during one of the rare times she isn't working, catching stray bullets after gang warfare breaks out in [city yet to be decided]. The only person who rushes to her and stays with her as she's dying is a Frenchman called Sebastien, and Lexa's scared, of course, because she had so much she wanted to do...but she's also relieved that she's not going to die alone...

Except she doesn't die, and the last face she saw as a mortal is the first face she sees as an Immortal and they're both really freaked out by this. But Lexa can't deny what just happened and listens to his explanation of things, though she doesn't want to meet the others yet until it's all sunk in. She learns the man normally goes by Booker, and later that evening he tells her about himself and how he betrayed the team and how really, she'd be better off with the others, especially as he's in exile.

Lexa...chooses not to. Lexa looks at him, this man who chose to stay by a dying stranger's side, who's been nothing but helpful and who could've hidden or downplayed his role in things but instead has been completely honest with her. And although part of her gets why the group would exile him... the main reason he did what he did was because he felt alone and because he didn't want to be here any more, and somehow Lexa thinks that exiling the suicidal man without setting up any kind of support is a terrible idea, especially given the fact that immortality can apparently stop as suddenly as it starts, so he might not even be around in a hundred years time.

And Lexa's knows she can't be his therapist, but she can be his friend, because he looks like he could do with one... and given her life has just changed dramatically she could do with the company as well and so she stays. And most of the first story is going to focus on their friendship and Lexa's attempts to get him to go to therapy because holy fuck does he need it (and she establishes contact with Copley because they need some kind of help here), and there's going to be quite a lot of emotional moments. For Booker in particular because things get worse before they get better, and he spends a good chunk of the story waiting for the other shoe to drop and Lexa to leave (she doesn't.)

I've had this idea and the character since I first watched the film back in 2020, I just haven't written more than a few snippets. But I would love to get back and work on it because I have so many ideas and I love their friendship so much (and it gives me an excuse to watch the film ^_^) and I really love Lexa herself! She's so great and a very good friend and just amazing!!!

[tehuti88-art]

5/17/24: r/SketchDaily theme, "Free Draw Friday." This week's character from my anthro WWII storyline is Inge (last name never given). (Her name is deliberately meant to evoke Inga Dobermann.) She appears only in backstory as a farm widow whose property Lt. Hesse's unit is billeted at, and the two have a brief relationship. She has a daughter by him but he never learns she exists. There'll be more about her later in my art Tumblr and Toyhou.se.

Regarding her design, like Hesse, she's a blue Doberman pinscher. I'm iffy on her hairstyle, but anyway.

TUMBLR EDIT: Inge never appears in the main story; she only appears in an adult WIP featuring Gunter Hesse and herself, set while Hesse is serving in the Waffen-SS near the Eastern Front. Keep in mind my timeline is slightly different, the war starts and Germany and the Soviet Union part ways sooner. At this time, Hesse is living with the Dobermann family--Adelina is around eleven or so, I think--and is easily radicalized by propaganda of the budding SS, since he's still pretty bitter about how the previous war ended (with him badly injured, alone, and addicted to morphine); Inga, who met him and Louis Dobermann recuperating in hospital (they both fell in love with her there, but Dobermann made the first move), insists on him staying with them after she marries, and although he knows she's off limits now, he vows to get clean for her. He never falls out of love with her, but also never tries anything, and grows quite close to Adelina. So when war breaks out again and he decides to enlist--not in the military, which he feels betrayed him, but in the SS--Adelina is heartbroken, and Inga, despite her growing alarm over his political views, begs him not to go. Inga is actually a big part of the reason why he feels he has to go: He privately hopes that time away may dampen his feelings for her, and if not that, that at least SS life might toughen him up so he can handle things better. He replies to Inga's insistence that he's part of their family and has no need to prove himself again that he really ISN'T part of their family--he has no family--and this is why he has to prove himself, as he has nothing else. The SS will be his family now. He promises to do his best to come back to them, and to write to Lina. His application is accepted, he passes the physical, and he heads off to the front. The Dobermanns don't see him again for several years.

Discipline and a sense of personal purpose are indeed just what Hesse needs; like I said, he never does break Inga's hold on him, but he learns better how to cope with it and conceal his feelings. The SS also gives him a sense of brotherhood and belonging that he's always longed for yet lacked. He's older and more experienced than many of the other recruits, so is soon placed in a position of authority by his unit leader, General Immerwahr. When not engaged in active combat, his unit often patrols areas near the front to watch out for Soviet troops attempting to sneak in; it's a wide-open area of isolated farms, not too different from where the Dobermanns live, and so, often, farms are the only place to stay.

Immerwahr's unit approaches one of these farms one day and is met by a woman with a vaguely hostile demeanor; the Waffen-SS troops are known for their ill treatment of civilians, including their fellow Germans, so of course a woman living on her own--there's no husband or male farmhands anywhere in sight--is understandably nervous. She refuses to give her name, and doesn't ask theirs, making it clear she prefers that they all remain strangers to each other (Immerwahr calls her Frau X), yet she agrees to Immerwahr's request to temporarily billet his men at her place. As they're negotiating terms, the men notice two children, young girls, peering out of a doorway; the woman shoos them back out of sight, obviously distressed that the men know about them now. It's clear she was trying to hide them, which makes it even clearer that she allowed the troops into her home only out of necessity, and planned to offer herself to protect her girls if need be. Immerwahr, picking up on this, says they have no interest in harming her as long as they're allowed to stay, though she plainly doubts.

A newer scene not originally in the WIP occurs around here. As the men are talking and the woman is fetching them drinks, since it's late and she has no food prepared, one of them privately accosts her, demanding something to eat; nothing sexual or anything, but he gets more threatening the more she tries to put him off. He grabs her wrist and then is promptly cuffed upside the head, letting her go; she steps back and watches as Hesse smacks the other officer around a little, berating him for disobeying Immerwahr and ordering him back to the group. He reports the inappropriate behavior to Immerwahr, who apologizes to the woman, and sets the guy up outside to take first watch as punishment. After figuring out when to start preparing breakfast for everyone, the woman starts assigning the men places to sleep; Immerwahr gets an unused bedroom, while most of the others just end up where they doze off. The woman directs Hesse to sleep on the floor near the door of her daughters' room, to keep anyone else out; following what happened earlier, she assumes he's the most trustworthy of the lot. It's late, so everyone heads to bed.

Hesse gets up in the middle of the night to go outside and relieve himself; on his way back to the girls' room, someone reaches out to grasp his arm, startling him. "Sie...?" ("You...?") he says to the woman, since he doesn't know what else to call her, and wonders what she wants. She doesn't say anything, just pulls him into the bedroom after her. He doesn't protest.

Hesse returns to the girls' room a while later without needing to be asked, resuming his spot on the floor. This scene occurs the next morning:

She rose again before daybreak and went to peek in on her girls. The older girl still slept in the bed, though her younger daughter had taken her blankets and her pillow and doll and was curled up on the floor not far from the sleeping lieutenant. She stared at them for a little while before leaving them. She headed to the kitchen, getting the coffee ready.

The house was still rather dark as she moved silently about the room, fetching all the mugs and cups she owned. At least the soldiers weren't choosy. It took so long to prepare the coffee that some of them received it only warm and not hot, but they hadn't complained. She was mulling over what she might need to do over the next few days before they left when a soft voice behind her said, "Sie...?"

She jumped a little and quickly turned. She couldn't make out the features of the man standing in the entry to the kitchen. "Apologies," he said, and she recognized the lieutenant's voice. He spoke very quietly. "Hadn't meant to startle you."

She nervously brushed back her hair. "It's...it's all right. Did my girls wake you? I'm sorry, if they did."

"Nein, I always wake early. That was why I wished to talk, though. One of them, the little one, she got out of the bed sometime during the night, it appears. Fell asleep on the floor. I'm not sure why. I put her back in the bed. If she mentions it later on, that was how it happened, I hope you believe I tried nothing inappropriate."

She let out a small breath. "That's...that's all right. She wakes sometimes. She used to come crawl in the bed with my hus...my husband and me." She flinched a little at her own words, hoping he didn't notice.

She saw him nod. "You need help?"

"This pot needs only to brew. I'm almost done. Danke, though."

"If you don't need anything else I'm going to step outside for a while."

"I..." She started speaking without even thinking; he'd been turning to leave, but halted and looked back. "I could join you," she said quietly, "if you don't mind."

He hesitated. "Your girls?"

"I think they'll be fine. You don't believe your men will bother them?"

"They won't." Another pause. "I don't mind," he added.

While they're together this time, she asks him his name, and tells him her own, Inge. She doesn't understand why this gets such a startled reaction from him. She does notice, however, that he afterward briefly starts referring to her as "Inga"--it could be brushed off as a mistake, except that he does it more than once. She thinks she understands now.

"Your woman," she said softly; he looked at her, brow furrowing slightly. "Your woman is named Inga...?" she asked.

He blinked, then reddened. Sat up a bit abruptly so she backed away a little. "My woman..." he echoed, then, "Nein. Not my woman." He lowered his head, looking aside. "Someone else's woman." A pause. "Your name made me think of her...I'm sorry."

"It's all right," Inge said, hating to embarrass him. "You remind me a little of my husband," she admitted.

He peered back at her. "I...sort of wanted to ask. Where is your husband?"

Inge lowered her eyes, brushed back her hair. "I...we lost him. A little over six months ago."

He flinched slightly at the latter words. "I'm sorry," he said again.

"Sometimes when I wake I still think he's there," Inge murmured. "And then I remember." She smoothed her dress down where his grip had crumpled it over her breasts. "Have you lost anyone?"

"I haven't had anyone to lose, yet," he replied, looking away.

She furrowed her brow. "No one...? No woman of your own?"

"I haven't found her yet."

For some reason this response made her twinge inside, a spark of sadness; there was a resigned note in his voice, as if he doubted she even existed by now. She pulled herself closer again and when he turned back to her she placed her hand against his face. Almost automatically, he placed his hand over hers, fingers grasping.

Inge makes Hesse an offer: "Come to my room tonight. Come to my room every night until you leave. You can be my husband and I can be your Inga. We can be whoever we need each other to be." Hesse, surprised, consents, visiting Inge's room every night, though he stops referring to her as Inga, and she stops trying to imagine him as her late husband. They accept each other as who they actually are, Inge and Hesse, two strangers who aren't meant to know each other for long. When the time comes for Hesse's unit to depart, it's understandably bittersweet--not only have Inge and Hesse grown rather fond of each other, but Inge's two girls have grown close to him, and he seems to like them as well--but neither of them protests it, neither makes any promises to try to find each other again. It's just understood that this is likely not to happen. Hesse takes his place in his unit, Immerwahr thanks Inge for her hospitality, and the unit heads out. Hesse does cast one last glance at Inge and her girls as the men march off. He, and Inge, both feel a wistful twinge. At some other time, in some other circumstances, they might have made a family, the sort of family Hesse always longed for, but never got to have.

Hesse continues in the Waffen-SS, is badly injured, released from service, and then heads back home to the Dobermann estate. Adelina, and Inga, greet him happily; he's stunned that "his little Lina" is nearly grown by now. He accepts Inga's welcome, though when she tries to place her hand against his face, a familiar gesture she's used in the past, he abruptly pulls away. There's a distance between them now, and though Inga isn't sure of the circumstances behind it, she grants Hesse his space. Adelina had expected him to regale her with tales of war, so doesn't understand why he declines to talk much about his service; Inga gently tells her that war takes a lot out of a person, to let him rest, and he'll be his old self sometime soon. She isn't expecting it when, some time later, Hesse receives a letter from SS headquarters, accepting his application to their noncombatant branch...turns out his service to the brotherhood isn't over with just yet.

Hesse moves on, takes up his new job as an investigator for the Allgemeine-SS, starts a relationship with Sophie Sommer. He never stops loving Inga--even unwittingly participating in faking her death--though he keeps his distance, always treats her with respect. And as the Third Reich falls, he makes the split decision to choose her and the Dobermann family over his loyalty to the SS, helping them escape at the cost of his own life. His service did discipline him, made him better able to conceal his feelings, but it never did kill them; even though she was never his to have, he loves Inga to the very end.

There's a small sad postscript which Hesse never realizes while he's alive. Outside the main story, there's a still-canon section I call "In Heaven"--basically, certain characters getting the chance to see, after life, how things could have gone--and following his violent death at the hands of his beloved SS, Hesse chooses to move on to the next life, by living through the lives of everyone else who was impacted by his actions. It's a process that takes a split second, yet also years and years, as time has no meaning in the next life, and given the awful things Hesse did in his first life, it's excruciating and horrible. Mostly. There's a bittersweet moment here and there, in the lives of people to whom Hesse was kind rather than cruel; and one particular set of lives strikes him rather hard:

A few lives are so unexpected they stun him. He lives through the life of a farm woman; it's only when she's newly widowed, and cautiously welcomes a Waffen-SS unit to billet at her house, that he realizes who she is. He starts crying when Inge stands at her window staring at the horizon, straining her eyes for any sign of troops, her hands on her belly. Tells her, in his head, he would have returned for her, if he'd known. He lives through the life of the daughter he never knew and his heart breaks that she never knows him.

--"Hesse In Heaven, Part One"

Hesse loved Inga, though she was never his to love. He loved Sophie and chose to spend his life with her, though it wasn't meant to be. He did have one other chance for a family and a life, though he never knew until it was too late. I don't believe he loved Inge the way he loved Sophie or especially Inga, but he would have returned to her if he'd known. He would have accepted his daughter, and her daughters, as his own. He would have perhaps lived a happy life and died content, finally having the family he always longed for so much.

Alas, that also wasn't meant to be. Hesse dies twice, and both times he dies violently, and alone.

[Inge 2024 [‎Friday, ‎May ‎17, ‎2024, ‏‎12:00:10 AM]]