#think I’ve typed it enough times?
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queen-scribbles · 4 months ago
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I have Tighe/Cass and Trinne/Lann ficlets to type up and then maybe, maybe the muses will free me to work on OWaP xD
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lynxfrost13 · 2 months ago
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LSTR-S2301 and the maintenance tunnel ARAR are best friends to me even though that Elster was only on sierpinski for a seemingly brief time, they’re bros who fuck around on the clock during work. I think Elster was probably more willing to put extra time in however she’s also very “okay you’ve given me a list of tasks I did them. They’re done and done well. That’s it, my time now.” Whereas I see Ara being more of a slacker (very valid of her) or at the very least just a bare minimum type of gal when it comes to work.
Idk I tend to imagine them fucking off in the middle of shifts to go find weird lonely corners of sierpinski to hang out in. They don’t even talk half the time but they love it.
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silkjade · 2 months ago
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i haven’t been here much recently, and i’m sorry i’ve only been negative on the off chance i’ve been online, but let me just say one last piece before the end of this month, so that maybe the next might be better….
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#or ​maybe my time here ends w this month…i’m not sure i guess it all depends on how i feel but as of right now#everytime i think i'm fine i open tumblr and immediately am sad again the whole app has become my doomscroll at this point#i got a notification on a random talking post from a while ago and it felt like reading the words of a completely different person#lately i find it difficult to find any joy here at all when it always feels so lonely… a type of loneliness i’ve never experienced before#everyone always has ppl interacting w them who are interested in their stuff or are always sent things that are reminiscent of them....#i’m always praised for remembering stuff abt other ppl but i wonder if anyone remembers anything abt me#what is it about me that is so forgettable am i dull am i uninteresting did i not solidify myself enough do you guys just not like me lolz#but i don't want this to come across as guilt tripping or being ungrateful to what i do have because ik comparison is the death of joy but#it's still hard to watch when it's so in your face and it makes me think if ppl only talk to me because they feel obligated to#because anyone can say empty words.... i wish my perception of things didn't turn bitter i wish i hadn't become so jaded but#over and over i've felt irrelevant cast aside overshadowed and i cannot exist in a place where i feel like i'm a ghost in the corner#idk i've never felt like This before and i'm at least glad it's something i can walk away from by just....leaving...#sad that this used to be somewhere i can run away To but now it's become somewhere i want to run away From#i don't know...even if i get over whatever this is...things will never be the same for me... i just don't think i belong here#if only i had never made this blog then i would have saved myself a world of turmoil
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dykedvonte · 11 days ago
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I really do like character design in mouthwashing
Anya is obvi inspired by Shelley Duval (who was also verbally abused by Cubric, if I recall correctly), the Shining protagonist. Curly is your typical captain America style charismatic leader, he is even canonically a gym bro (although I recall you mentioning that if Curly's pre-crash face wasn't revealed, you would've headcanoned him as black, so I am a bit curios, what his dynamic w/ Jimmy would've been. Like, I think this little piece of sht would be casually racist towards him, he is just that sort of asshole. If the story was set at our times he would've def vote for Trump and complain abt immigrants eating dogs or something equally rediculous lol. Also, his dynamic w/ Anya - being marginalised himself would've he been harder on Jimbo's bullshit? Or would that not matter at all in their particular situation? So many possibilities.)
Daisuke is a bright spot in an otherwise dull and grey space. Swansea is simply perfect, 10/10😁
-💀
I don’t think Jimmy would be racist towards Curly or anyone for that matter.
Like I don’t see Jimmy as a misanthrope. He’s not hateful just to be hateful, he’s spiteful. All of his envy and resentment of others comes from his own projection of shared aspects he feels inferior by. I think the biggest difference is it adds a little more ire to Jimmy’s sentiments as it takes away an easy aspect of Curly’s life. I assume Mouthwashing operates in a similar social history and structure as our world so Curly likely faced prejudices based on his race in this scenario. He had something extra outside of his control weighing him down and yet he still reached that highest rung.
For Jimmy it’s infuriating. It feeds that delusion that Curly has it so much easier, that he doesn’t have to do the real work to get to that space. He should’ve struggled more, he should be more bitter but he isn’t. He’s not like him still and he’s pissed about it. He still wouldn’t understand the underlying and systemic issues Curly would’ve faced cause he can’t. He wouldn’t try to because in doing that it’s an admission he’s just not trying like Curly is. Any comments that could be seen as racist are less targeted at Curly’s ethnicity but just at him. Jimmy’s issues are with Curly as a whole, being so idealic compared to him and everything around him. It’s not just one facet of him physically, mentally or emotionally that makes Jimmy so envious. It’s why he’s obsessed, it everything about him.
As for Anya, this is no anger toward you, but there’s this perception in fandom spaces with intersectionality that sharing a minority status creates an equal understanding of what exact struggles the others go through. You can understand the feeling of oppression but certain aspects of certain systems will still be misunderstood if they don’t apply to you. Curly is still a man and Anya a woman. Perhaps she is a woman of color, it think he may have been a bit harsher to Jimmy as he would be aware of the racial factors at play when it comes to the dehumanization and sexism perpetrated towards WOC but he still wouldn’t get it as a man.
It’s like apples and oranges to where they are both fruit but being categorically the same doesn’t make them identical. I can not describe to you the taste of an apple by using an orange. Anya would no more understand Curly’s struggles being black than he would her being the only woman on board. Of course they share the similarity of being the only one but even in this case we do work off the assumption everybody but Daisuke is white. He’d inherently have more solidarity with him on that aspect than her.
#I also just kinda headcanon anyone as black if there’s no canon race or physical description#blue eyes be damned it’s the future fuck it#but yeah I don’t think it’d change much but it does add to that factor of Jimmy really#not understanding the responsibilities and struggles of other especially with his black best friend#he’s the type to think having scholarships targets to minorities was weird but he’d hold his tongue on it#like I don’t think he’d vote for Trump but he just wouldn’t vote hell put his name on the balet#he’s like one of those people that don’t vote cause he feels it doesn’t matter even tho he could vote to help#those around him affected like he’s a centrist because he’s not#stupid enough to fall for right wing stuff but he’s also against the woke mob ig#mouthwashing#ask#mouthwashing game#💀 anon#jimmy mouthwashing#curly mouthwashing#anya mouthwashing#it’s also a thing of sort of Curly thinking those comments are bad cause they aren’t the worse you heard. like being in white dominated#spaces you hear things and develop a system of ignorance vs intentional racism#it’s not fun but it allows you to navigate them safely because no white person can understand that sort of isolation being the only BIPOC is#or just poc in general like I’ve had “friends who I’d never talk to but they were just better options than complete racists#black Curly is like that in my head where the foundation of his friendship with Jimmy is based on him not being the worst and the other#emotional abuse that is practically canon#it’s complicated but at the same time an aspect that would change so much and so little
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devilsskettle · 15 days ago
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i think i'm finally gonna read house of leaves wish me luck
#i've been meaning to read this book for like 5+ years lol#i think i'm finally ready to commit to it and also i just bit the bullet and bought a copy#because i know myself enough to know that i will not finish it if i get it from the library#and also they didn’t have the gravity falls book at the bookstore hahaha they said they’ve sold out of it twice#so. oh well. house of leaves time first#also i think i'm gonna finish fma brotherhood without my friend who wanted to watch it in the first place#out of spite because he's still being a little bitch#hope he doesn't change his mind! or feel butt hurt when i don't want to watch shit with him anymore#i think after all this i'm not gonna watch any longer series with him anymore#movies only. low commitment only. so he can't bail on me just on a whim#i'm enjoying fma a lot though!! these boys are the exact type of characters i get attached to lol#i like the alchemy shit also and the humor/drama balance#and the character design and the world building and the Lore#i was kind of on a movie kick again earlier this month but i just don’t have a lot of time for it rn#or the attention span. to be so honest#kind of embarrassing but i’m so mentally exhausted and i’ve been splitting my attention between a lot of different things lately#i was on such a reading kick this summer too!! hopefully house of leaves will replenish my energy for reading#i also got a sci-fi novel a nonfiction book and a folklore collection so i have plenty of new material rn#and i found another book that i want to reread soon#winter is gonna be a big reading time i am committing to that!!#anyway. that’s that
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creativity-deficient · 3 months ago
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Soooo what are y’all’s hcs on the Tweak family 🤔🤔🤔
#lowkey I like to hc it as a generational trauma type of thing for Mr Tweak#I feel like Richard was a LOT like Tweek when he was little#very anxious and unsure of himself#he mentions in the gnomes episode I believe that his business has been going on 30 years#and was passed down to him by his father by his father before him#growing up I think that he too was given a lot of this coffee by his father#and over the years he was conditioned and manipulated into accepting this as the norm#in hopes that he would one day take over the business#when he was finally old enough his father shared the family recipe with him and at that point he had pretty much been brainwashed#I think he sees a lot of his younger self in tweek which is why he’s so condescending towards him and so determined to steer him down the#same path. Repeating the cycle and all that#and when Tweek is old enough he plans on sharing the family’s secret as his father did with him#MRS Tweak on the other hand is an interesting one#we know so little about her but I feel like her personality also says a lot about her#she’s definitely better than Mr Tweak but she’s still very complacent and neglectful#I think what stands out to me the most about her though is the way her personality can completely switch up at times#most of the time she has this eerily calm almost docile personality#but other times she’s a LOT more attentive and caring#yk like a normal mom#COMPLETELY different from how she usually acts#but the episode that gets me the most is “Gnomes#where she actively goes against Richard’s attempt to manipulate the kids and use them for business ventures#yet this is the same mom that actively poisons her son? presumably for the business??#like it doesn’t make sense to me#I’ve seen someone suggest that Richard has been drugging her too#and BOY would that be a twist#definitely would explain the sudden shift in personality#i definitely think it would be interesting if she was in the dark about a lot of this too#not using this as an excuse as I still do think she is SOMEWHAT negligent on her own but I do think it could explain some things#south park
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thefleshyougoveggie · 11 months ago
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we as a society need to talk more about platonic love!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AND HOW WONDERFUL IT IS!!!!!!
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charmedcleric · 1 month ago
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Now that I’ve had some sleep after my break down this morning I think I’m just gonna spend today relaxing, might play some bg3 or continue on with my trevelyan run on dai
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otterdoesart · 4 months ago
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Hey hey hey mate! ‘S been a while but I’ve just kinda scrolled through your art tag from the last three years (TIME MOVING REAL!?) and it’s crazy to see how much you’ve done in that time XD! Real fond of your splatoon ocs (manta and Ray was it?) and that one love letter fanart you made (BLEW MY MIND!? THE LYRICS FIT THEM SO WELL!! I WAS IN AWE) X) really do love spending time on this app n’ yappin, makes me wish I spend more than like five minutes a week here ,, BUT gonna do my bestest to see what you’ve been up to/ going to get up to 💚 - Z (ALSO DO YOU HAVE A LIIKR A TAG FOR YOUR OC WORLD CUZ I SAW A FEW POSTS MENTION IT BUT I COULDNT FIND IT RAAARGHHH I would love to see it I am so sorry for yelling byebyebeybeye)
HII Z
Im literally at work rn crying at your kind words 🫶🫶🫶
It really is crazy it’s been so long 😭 I feel like I’ve improved in my art but stayed the same at the same time hehe
Thank you for loving my boys! I created them with my homie from high school and they consume my brain,,They’re just goofy little guys who fight and love each other :) Ray is dating Callie (gross🙄(affectionate)) and manta is dating Dove hehe
Thank you for saying so!!! About the letter fanart guehrhe I killed myself doing that last year on the midst of art fight 💀💀
A lot of my OC stuff is in my head and scattered across sites eughejehe I could ramble about them but it wouldn’t be coherent ! The story changes every 2 months jdhddndh
Oughhh i loveghsj themmm just some more silly guys
Anywho thank you for saying all that I really appreciate it and our friendship although we don’t talk as much anymore 🫶🫶🫶
#oc rambling in tags:#Orion is an elf wizard#elves are one of the few species that weren’t born inherently with magic so they learned it from the world around them#because of that a lot of others consider them to be fake#also rotating an idea about evil elves who source their magic through the slaughter of magical beasts#it’s a cheating way of gaining power and does not give respect to nature smh#Orion is roommates with Fyre-a dragonborn#the story takes place at Ajicae Academy#there are 2 ways to enroll-either have a lot of magic skill or potential#fyre has both#he’s very strong and feircly loyal#Dragonborn’s only have control over fire magic#elves have learned to control all types of magic so Orion is a jack of all trades#then their is Axel who is the heir to the siren kingdom#*there#he is protective of orion but doesn’t quite see them as equal#she has a bit of a tsundere personality 💀#Blanc is a tabaxi-the other species no born with magical abilities#tabaco care less about learning magic than elves#they’re generally inventors#Blanc creates things that aid in harnessing or strengthening magic#I’ll add more later maybe gotta go back to work lol !#the main humanoid races are fairies angels dragonborn tabaxi sirens and elves#I’ve considered giants but I haven’t found a way to make them interesting enough for me to draw and still differentiate from elves#the main forms of magic are water fire air plant light and earth#I know I want monsters to exist but I’m not sure how to separate them from regular magical creatures without being stereotypical#I’m thinking of making it so they’re infected with something causing them to be out of control?#but I also want there to be technology protecting Ajicae from monsters#I can’t have it both ways 😔#unless the monsters have existed a long time? hmmm I have to think a lot on it
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scratxhed-cd · 6 months ago
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I’m gonna be pathetic real quick,
#I miss her so much#dealing with a one sided crush on one of my closest friends no less has not been easy#we haven’t really hung out this year not bc of the feelings stuff but bc I was tired of always being the one to plan hang outs and outreach#this has always been our dynamic#she’s just not the initiator type#which was fine at first#but for me the more I put into a friendship the more I expect in return#so it was hard not to take it personally when things didn’t change after we talked abt it#anyway she graduated college today#and idk if it just really sunk in that this is very likely the last time we will ever be in proximity to each other#but something abt it just kinda hit me today#a part of me wishes she had reached out#but maybe this is for the best#I feel I shouldn’t have to ask for what I need every single time#the down side is that knowing that doesn’t cancel out the years of friendship#I’ve always had a hard time letting people go#a part of me almost always cares about them for a long time#it’s hard bc my college experience was largely knowing that while I had friends I likely wasn’t their top choice#or part of their larger group#I floated around a lot which was cool sometimes and lonely other times#but if there was any person who I would have expected or I guess even just wanted to put in more of an effort it was her#personal#rambles#vent#it is complicated navigating friend expectations vs crush yearning#but I like to think that I can be rational enough to distinguish between the two#and so not ask for anything that is outside the reasonable expectation for friends#idk man it’s been an emo day overall ig
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teruthecreator · 2 years ago
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1 AM and the servers asleep so i’m just gonna post my thoughts on here but i think it’s rlly so important and poignant how sho extends an olive branch to his father after everything that happened, when he absolutely would’ve been justified in spitting in toichiro’s face and walking out of his life forever (similarly to what toichiro did to him, metaphorically at least). and that decision that he makes is one that cements how mature and understanding sho is despite his antics and attitude.
like, he’s a kid, and he’s a kid that experienced massive amounts of abuse and trauma in his formative years. we will truly never know how he was raised whilst working in claw, but seeing how pretty much everyone else was manipulated, brainwashed, and tortured into reaching their full potential—the assumption can be made that it wasn’t easy. and sho’s father is Directly responsible for that, meaning he’s Directly responsible for any mistreatment or neglect sho faced even if it wasn’t done by him directly. and any kid at his age with all that baggage probably wouldn’t want to keep their dad around, after everything has finally been resolved. but sho doesn’t do that; he reminds toichiro that he’s still gotta hear an earful from his ex wife, and sho is ensuring that this won’t be the end. he is offering his father a kindness that that man never gave to him. and that’s like. Astounding for a kid his age
i think it’s really easy for people to place sho firmly in the trope of like silly, goofy kid with an insane side; but sho has one of the most level heads out of the esper teens. it’s kind of like he got a lot of that emotional turbulence out of the way beforehand, and now is just centering his focus on this one goal. of course, that doesn’t mean he doesn’t do stupid shit based on bad trains of thought (the whole concept of him trying to resist the narrative only to become more ingrained in it is like. right there. also the hero trope shit y’all have seen the essay posts i’m not reiterating). but sho is a lot more sure of what he’s doing and what he wants than ritsu, mob, or teru.
also it’s just like. the fact that he gives his father a second chance really drives home the message of the entire series. that people can make mistakes, but those mistakes do not have to define their whole existence if they’re willing to own up to them and change. sho is extending himself in much the same way mob extended himself to toichiro hours earlier, only this time there’s the weight of this probably not being the first time sho has given his father a second chance and yet he Still does it. and toichiro realizing that he could’ve squandered that chance during confession arc is SO GOOD like you see how sho is conflicted and hurt bc he’s essentially being let down once again, and so toichiro walks back. he won’t let his son’s trust be given in vain
the suzukis rival the kageyamas in terms of like. accurate familial representation. like if you eliminate all of the psychic terrorism bullshit, this is a broken family—further broken by a messy divorce—trying to navigate life post-everything. there is no expectation for sho to forgive his father (he doesn’t do that at any point and That Is Important), and there’s no expectation for him to do anything with his father At All. toichiro understands that he is deserving of no one’s kindness.
yet sho does it anyway. he does it because he wants to and because he cares. and that’s far more than toichiro could’ve ever asked for
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simcardiac-arrested · 1 year ago
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as a russian who doesn't talk to russian people online what the shit is happening there hello
look man i myself have put in the effort to Not talk to online russians for like (checks hand) 7 or so years (of course i’ve met some really great ones but this isn’t about them and they probably know it) but i’m sure the community didn’t change much. actually from the glimpses i see it seems to have gotten worse. don’t even get me startedddddd man
#Like okay first we have the misogynist dudebros. not a category exclusive to online russians but#there are so many it’s fucking crazy. homophobic to hell and back and Will hate on you for no reason#alpha male type mfs who hate women but will still harass them because of course they will#the second category of course is weird unironic fujoshis who are also usually proshippers#and they are either 12 (forgivable) or 25 and the thing is you can NEVER tell. But it’s kind of fucked how#acceptable it is to just straight up fetishize gay men (hell probably not only them) in online russian communities#and listen to me. the secret third category is that there is no third category. Both of these categories are racist#deer was right i have never seen a community more racist or xenophobic than fucking online russians#you draw a character one shade darker than their usual skintone and suddenly you got annoying as fuck russians in your comments going#BRO BURNT IN THE SUNNN 🤣🤣🤣 ENGLISH FANDOM LOOK WHAT YOU’VE DONE !!! <- in recent times they have taken to blaming the english fandom for#‘wokefying’ their sacred online russian spaces. Of course we can only be woke enough to fetishize gay men. god forbid black people exist#now the actual third category is the online russian tеrf/radfеm community. it seems recent to me but also as i said i have not really#interacted with russian comminity as a whole for a long while. But yea anyways they’re crazy i dont think i have to explain this one#but they’re somehow more evil and miserable than the ones you’re used to#another recent one is the russian twitterians … i’ve only seen glimpses of them as well as i dont use twitter#but you will not believe the shit these mfs try to pull. They try to get you to stop swearing at all bc they find a way to make every#russian swear word offensive. AND they speak fucking … englussian. rusglish. Half of their sentences are just english words written in#russian letters. all the same buzzwords english speaking twitter users like to say!#if you’ve never seen a russian talk about feminization or gatekeeping or being woke or yadda yadda. Well i have#it’s bad. they’re just very very terminally online#and don’t worry the last two categories will also always be racist/xenophobic even if the last one tries to seem Progressive#don’t know if i missed anytning but those are just the Specific Types of annoying asf online russians that i have noticed and have been#observing from a safe distance like a scientist#my point is keep not talking to russian people#cramswering#edit: I FORGOT BUT DONT EVEN GET ME STARTED ON HOW ONLINE RUSSIANS TREAT TRANS PEOPLE#YOU CANNOT IMAGINE THE WAY THEY REACT TO TRANS HEADCANONS IT’S LIKE THE END OF THE WORLD TO THEM. OR TRANS CHARACTERS#OR GOD FORBID ACTUAL REAL LIFE TRANS PEOPLE. it’s actually quite incredible how bigoted online russians are
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pipskippy · 10 months ago
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reading dungeon meshi for the first time wheeeeeeee!!!!
#pip speaks#dungeon meshi spoilers#very abridged first thoughts#:#(i’m on chapter 12)#i like the main characters all well enough laios is very autism and he and falin remind me of beat and rhyme (blonde siblings where the olde#r brother is a little insensitive and the younger sister is very kindhearted and also (!!!!!!!!TWEWY SPOILERS) gets eaten by a thing.#TWEWY SPOILERS OVER anyways lots of respect for senshi and my intuition is great bc i assumed chi#chilchuck was not in fact a child and just a type of creature that looks young#although i guess maybe he’s a teenager but i feel like everyone is at least 20s by human standards?#marcille very failgirl energy. i like her hair and outfit. i like everyone’s outfits…i love the unabashed love of fantasy tropes…#but also the rly clever creative creatures like the shellfish armor??? that’s so awesome i’ve never seen anything like that. well i hvent re#read or seen that much fantasy….lol#i like how kui introduces the characters by showing their strengths/specialties and weaknesses and how they learn to work together. its cute#and effective and fun :) joys of writing#oh also this is just me being extremely biased about alphonse but laios always reminds me of him just because blond guy + armor + autistic +#carries a little book of stuff to eat in his armor + looks forward to eating etc. lol#speaking of fma i wonder if the leather shoe on the plate is a fma reference about ed and ling eating ed’s boot. or if#i just think about that any time someone mentions that you can eat leather
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samuraisharkie · 2 years ago
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ok I genuinely think @is-the-owl-video-cute has gone off the deep end. what makes you act like that on the internet for real. I don’t even have a real stock in this bullshit drama but they are just the most reactionary asshole to people? how can y’all look up to them they are genuinely so immature and pissy. they’ve been throwing a fit over users they personally dislike and using absolutely no proof at all to say they doxxed ppl. there’s like zero proof other than they don’t like them LMAO. can y’all log the fuck off please?? before someone actually gets hurt??
#is-the-owl-video-cute#yeah I’m tagging actually I hope ppl searching for drama see this and get a reality check#I saw that archived link what the actual fucking shit in hell were they thinking typing that?#they arent fucking animal murderers. they don't like the way scout handles their media presence or their farm#but that doesn’t mean they doxxed them and there is zero evidence to suggest as much. they’ve said they didn’t so like. nothing to go on.💀#(frankly also. scout and owlvid should be able to handle criticism and disagreements like normal fucking people#instead of flying off the handle literally every single time. like it’s a pattern)#I think both of them should just log off until they learn to handle this shit in a normal way#and without encouraging their impressionable followers to go on witch-hunts after ppl.#especially bc they don’t like it when it happens to them?? yet they say NOTHING when their followers start harassing ppl?? telling lol#I can’t stand it. y’all aren’t educators and you will never be the end all be all of every opinion you have. stop assuming such.#owlvid has had wildly inaccurate ‘facts’ about rabbits before but acting like they KNOW this shit is infuriating.#I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that every ‘is the x animal cute’ blog has gone to shit and up a creek though#just particularly disappointed in owlvid and scout for the way they’ve handled this#while KNOWING the amount of followers that would swallow their boots all the way their their head if they could#like. cmon. you can say you don’t know enough abt this subject to comment. it’s ok.#and I think scout should be able to handle and address criticisms abt their cows without losing it every single time like#I’ve never met a good farmer that can’t handle criticism for their animals. it’s part of the job you won’t please everyone#and if you are planning on being an educator you have to be able to handle those criticisms with a level head and understanding.#that’s not what owlvid OR scout do. they are influencers on a power trip.#if you want respect you have to give it. not one of the dreaded rabbit people have been disrespectful about their criticism.#it is not so the other way around and that’s telling as hell#the only time I’ve seen these apparently evil sadistic rabbit bloggers make sardonic or disrespectful (I guess?) comments is on their own#and when they’re frustrated about being labeled like they kick puppies for fun for being a fucking normal ass farmer lol#you’d think maybe scout would be able to get that. maybe not so much owlvid bc they don’t seem to understand rural animal care#for the record I’m not looking at any of these blogs involved with scrutinizing detail bc I have better things to do#but I have kept an eye on the situation w scout and animal control being called and how it got twisted into ‘doxxing and swatting’#by high strung ppl who should not have been online#I value my blood pressure too much the urge to just turn off my phone overcomes any desire to look through the drama
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teethpaste · 4 months ago
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I never should’ve let mustached love bomber back in , he is so toxic and unstable and bad for me and it is ADDICTING
Like I eat it up. I feel myself feeling crazy! I know it’s gonna crash and burn by August so I’m like ? Just lean into it? Enjoy it for what it is and know he’s gonna leave and that’s okay. Life is short like I may just have 1 month of fun, right? Right?
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uhh
#Today I realise I probably have a eating disorder#no I’m not starving or eating too much I just#have bouts of food insecurity#and horrible horrible parents I hate them so much <3#anyway I slowly realized that I’ve been more than happy to go without food for extended periods of time#and that my fast/slow eating and ARFID tendencies have mixed together in a horrible fashion#I’ve gone days without proper meals. I’ve gone so so many days without proper meals#I never realized that eating disorders could be related to inconsistent food access#I don’t claim to have any sorta normal type it’s a fucked up me thing#But it’s so fucked. I shouldn’t feel that any meal that’s “edible” to me is the only meal I’ll have for days#it’s just. So fucked. Starving is preferred to eating something disgusting#and these days that becoming more and more#I can’t become sick of beef I can’t if I start retching if I start getting sick#i’ll starve again#I just don’t want to anymore#I just don’t want to. I want to not worry anymore I want to never worry again#but I can’t I don’t know if I’ll have a proper meal I don’t know if tomorrow is the same#I tried so hard today and it wasn’t enough.#if I mess up one meal I don’t think anyone will eat well#and that’s exactly what happened again. And again and again#the utter despair that coursed through me as I knew no one would be able to eat#the sobs that racked me. And yet false promises from my father and yet again I’m exhausted#I’m made of plastic I’m strong but bend me the wrong way and I break#and today was that. I hate that I do these things I should be able to feed my family#but I can’t I let them down. I eat too much because I don’t know when I’ll have food next#I cry at wasting good leftovers because I don’t know if I can eat the next meal#and every single day I feel this deep shame for buying food for myself that’s more that 5$#I am so scared of not being able to eat again. Because it’s happened so often in my life#from when I was little to when I’m an adult#I can’t afford to get sick of beef I can’t I just can’t. If it happens I’ll starve worse than I did before
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