#thingsdoofwouldprobablysay

[thingsdoofwouldprobablysay]

Everything in this room is edible, even-even I am edible, technically, but…but that’s kinda frowned upon, kids, that’s called-that is what we call CANNIBALISM. Which is very much frowned upon in most societies…though…though I guess, I suppose under that context it would be acceptable under certain conditions. That being said, I personally wouldn’t advise it, I…I’m a little chewy.

[galaxina-the-pyro]

Hey. Psst. Guuuuyyyyysssss...you should check out @thingsdoofwouldprobablysay, he’s a riot. You won’t regret it~.

[thingsdoofwouldprobablysay]

“It’s funny, I remember every moment of my early years with disturbing clarity, but if you asked me what I said five minutes ago I wouldn’t be able to say. Was I ranting about an inator? Talking about cheese? Both? I’ll never know, and you won’t either.”

[thingsdoofwouldprobablysay]

“Fickle is another one of those words I can’t take seriously, no matter how hard I try. Every time I hear it I can’t help but think of a pickle dipped in fudge, which is disappointing because I use it a lot.”

[thingsdoofwouldprobablysay]

“You think you had a rough day, Perry? I just spent five hours developing a soft drink only for Alice to inform me she wanted grape soda. Now I’ve got fifteen cans of crêpe soda and I have no idea what to do with them.”

[thingsdoofwouldprobablysay]

“You see, Perry the Platypus, when I was a child back in Gimmelshtump I accidentally set my mother’s rose garden on fire. Don’t ask how, I have no idea either. I didn’t even know roses were flammable, not that I was even doing anything that involved fire at all. I was playing with a Doonkle Truck! Seriously, Perry the Platypus, how is driving a toy truck on mud going to cause a fire? Bah, no matter, from that day forward I swore revenge on Schimmelman toys for their faulty products! BEHOLD the anticombustioninator! Once I power this inator, none of their toys will ever combust again!”

[thingsdoofwouldprobablysay]

“I’ve come to make an announcement. Perry the Platypus is a no-good beaver-duck-bird. He broke all my good inators. That’s right, he took his male-platypus ankle barbs out and he broke all my inators, and all he could say was ‘digga-digga-digga-dig’. And I think that’s insulting, so I’m making a callout post on my tumblr dot com: Perry the Platypus, you have a stupid hat, it’s as dumb as your boss’ monobrow but it’s way dumber. And guess what? Here’s what my de-platypus-inator looks like! BEHOOOOOOOLD! That’s right, baby! All machine, no self-destruct, no buttons at all. Look at that, it looks like two lasers and a magnifying glass! He broke my inators, so guess what? I’m going to break the Tri-State Area! That’s right, this is what you get, my SUPER DE-PLATYPUSI-NATOR! Except I’m not going to break the Tri-State Area, I’m going to aim higher! I’m going to break your reality! How do you like that, Monogram? I erased your organization from the timeline, you fool! You have twenty-three hours before the quantum fragments spread across the Earth and erase everything you’ve ever worked for, now prepare for the reign of Doctor Heinz Doofenshmirtz!”

[thingsdoofwouldprobablysay]

“Normally I’d suspend you over a vat of boiling acid for this, Perry the Platypus, but my insurance refuses to cover another lawsuit from the OWCA. And I already spent all my alimony on the Defenestratorinator, so there’s no way I’m paying for that. So here, I’ll put this little cup of vanilla pudding that came with my lunch this morning under you, and we can just pretend it’s deadly, alright?”

[thingsdoofwouldprobablysay]

“And for my ultimate Christmas-themed scheme, I once planned to construct a massive dome over the Tri-State Area that would serve as an isolated meteorological biosphere in a constant state of snow and nighttime, ensuring that Christmas eve would last forever! Imagine the people’s constant anticipation of waking up the next morning and opening theirpresents, only for the realization that Christmas morning would never arrive to slowly seep in! My plan in simple terms? In an eggshell, cease day, oh! It would have been hilarious, Perry the Platypus!”

[thingsdoofwouldprobablysay]

“When I was a little boy back in Drusselstein, a lot of the other boys in our village formed the Goozim Schutzgesellschaft. Loosely, the Society for the Protection of Goozim. They organized a protest around the goozim cage, made signs and everything, but I was the only one to show up. Turns out that the entire club had been concocted to pull a prank on me specifically, and most of the town was in on it.”

[thingsdoofwouldprobablysay]

“There I was, backed into a corner, my only defense is the broom I picked up when I ran through the kitchen. Thousands of the little pests were swarming all over the floor, I couldn’t even see the tiles! It was a nightmare, Perry! I can still hear the clicks of their legs, the gnashing of their jaws, their bloodthirtsy chirps and cries. It keeps me awake at night. Anyway, long story short I’m not allowed to babysit hamsters anymore.”

[thingsdoofwouldprobablysay]

“Remember when you were hanging out with your first coworkers, and you fell out of a window right when they were congratulating you on your first successful mission? It was me, Perry! I zapped you with the Defenestrator-inator so that on your first day you looked like a nervous klutz!”

[thingsdoofwouldprobablysay]

“Have you ever talked with one of those stuck-up types that talk like they read two pages of a dictionary from the 1800s before bed? I’m serious, Perry! It’s obnoxious! The English language already has over two hundred thousand words that are perfectly fine and dandy, and then some smart aleck waltzes in and starts using words like ‘bequeath’ that haven’t been used since the sixteenth century.”

[thingsdoofwouldprobablysay]

“I remember one time I took the LOVEMUFFIN guild to a local convention hall to see if it would make a good location for our third annual EvilCon. It was in the process of hosting for people who seemed way too obsessed with little plastic shapes, and Dr. Wexler got separated from the group halfway through. I tell you, Perry, it turned into this whole big thing; we had to go to security and get them to ask for Lloyd over the speakers, and a bunch of dudes in green pajamas showed up. It was just ridiculous!”

[thingsdoofwouldprobablysay]

“I once abducted some stuck-up politician’s overfed dog for nefarious purposes purely out of spite, and then for the life of me I couldn’t figure out what to do with him. I plotted and schemed around dog-powered or dog-related inators for weeks, slaving over blueprints that were completely functional, but for some strange reason nothing ever came from it. So, long story short, he now he lives with someone named Buck Hunter in Oregon. I’m sure he’s perfectly miserable getting all that exercise and fresh air in those woods, I know how much dogs loathe that stuff.”

[thingsdoofwouldprobablysay]

“I’ve always been confused by the word ‘limericks’. I mean, seriously, either someone doesn’t know how to spell ‘limb’ or they have no idea how to say ‘lime’. And I don’t know what either of those has to do with beat poetry.”