#things that happened since last time: passed my exams; decided to take a gap year; and took up driving lessons

[charizardstolemynickname]

...Okay I know I said I was back in June, BUT I'm actually back (hopefully)

My new/current interests as an update:

- Marvel, specifically X-Men, the animated show and movies <3

- Gravity falls!! Watched it when my friend recommended it months back, and I think about it 24/7

- Musicals (currently listening to hadestown)

- TMagP <3 (I AM SLIGHTLY BEHIND ON EPSIODES BUT I WILL FINISH IT SOON)

- Hermitcraft/life series (still. I fear I will never escape)

- DC, batfam and young justice <3

ANYWAY YES IM SORRY ILL BE BACK TO SPAMMING, MAY EVEN MAKE SIDEBLOGS FOR IDEAS I HAVE HAD

God how I missed you tumblr!

[annie-sae]

Wouldn’t mind

Pairing: Kazutora x fem!reader, past Baji x fem!reader

Hurt/comfort

Author note: This is my way of dealing with Baji’s death finally being animated, this is me comforting myself so I don’t keep crying.

Also, I posted this on AO3 as well:

https://archiveofourown.org/works/33561445

Part of the reason you decided to get close to him was kind of the same reason why you decided to help out Chifuyu and the remaining founding Toman members in any way you could; even if that meant putting yourself in various fights. It was a way to honor his memory.

You met Baji Keisuke; your Kei; as nothing more than a child because you were neighbors and your mom happened to be friends with his mother which ended in them arranging lots of playdates for you both ever since you could remember.

Your mothers always said you were meant to be and they were right, so yeah, they were delighted once you two finally stopped denying yourselves and started to date.

You two got together after one time in which Baji got into a particularly bad fight and you found him on your way home; his hands all bruised but despite how much they must have been hurting he was smiling in that unique way of his that always told you that no matter the pain he won and enjoyed himself.

To be honest you didn’t like that he always got into fights nor how reckless he could be but you had to admit that there was always something about the way his eyes glinted that drew you in.

You dragged him inside your home, knowing that his mother would flip out if she saw him and taking advantage of the fact that your mother was to get home late, you pushed him to the couch, went to the kitchen for a bag of frozen vegetables, grabbed his hand after cleaning the blood off and held the bag to his knuckles hoping that it would bring down the swelling.

There was no way of knowing who made the first move but next thing you knew after that was that you two were kissing; the frozen bag laying on the floor long forgotten. After that you finally acknowledged your feelings and started dating. There was no grand gesture, it was just one of many moments that you shared daily yet it was perfect.

Baji liked to keep you away from Toman businesses so for the most part you didn’t actually know the rest of the members except for Chifuyu; whom you met on various occasions while going to visit your boyfriend; and Mikey that you met as a child since you were always following around Baji and in a way became your friend too; but that was it. He kept that apart from the side of his life that involved you because he was well aware of how messy it could get and he didn’t want to drag you into any trouble.

Yet his gang life caught up to him, crashing into your world and pushing you into a lonely abyss that still to this day left a hole in your chest.

You’d always remember that dreaded day when your mother came home later than usual without letting you know anything, eyes teary and red rimmed. The moment she looked at you, she pulled you into a strong hug and sobbed as she caressed your hair murmuring a string of words you couldn’t really make out.

She was the one to deliver the news of his passing, how she was late because she was at the Baji household and had to accompany his mother to claim her son’s body after the woman received a call from the police station telling her that the boy had been stabbed and bled to death.

The day would never come when you’d forget the pain that shot through your body as you learned that he was gone. It hurt unlike anything else you have ever experienced, as if someone was crushing your chest like it was made out of paper, air knocked out of your lungs and the only thing you could do was scream helplessly his name as you held for dear life onto your mother’s frame. You felt bile rise up your throat so fast that it was a miracle that you didn’t throw up.

His funeral wasn’t any easier. Not when you arrived and his mom pulled you to his casket saying just how handsome he looked, inviting you to see him in a way that you couldn’t refuse.

Around an hour after yourself, arrived Chifuyu who went to you after giving his condolences to his best friend’s mother that held him the way she used to hold her boy but now she’d never get the chance to do anymore.

If you were being completely honest, you couldn’t remember much more of that day, your mind was hazy, too many gaps in the memory of all that transpired.

Only two things were clear as day in your mind. First was the way that Kei had looked inside that coffin smiling peacefully and for a moment you almost fooled yourself into thinking that he was just sleeping, but he was pale, his canines weren’t showing and his eyes were slightly sunken but you had to agree with his mom because he looked handsome indeed. The second was that Chifuyu stayed by your side throughout the whole thing, in fact he was the one who told you what actually happened and you were thankful for it all.

He told you what Baji did and why he did it and you believed it the second the words left his mouth because you knew him well and if there was anything that defined your beloved boyfriend was his heart, how willing he was to give anything for those that he cared about; his unwavering loyalty; you just wished he hadn’t put himself on the line for that.

Twelve years have passed and a lot of things changed since his parting, for starters you became a member of Toman.

One night; around a month after everything happened; you went to the Musashi temple fully aware that it was the place that the boys used as their base and in front of everyone gathered there; bracing yourself; you walked towards Mikey, bowed deeply and begged for him to accept you as a member.

At first most of the guys there laughed at you while others frowned and called you names shooing you away but you stayed still, that was until a big hand grabbed you by the arm and that was when you pulled away from it and punched the guy square in the nose remembering the time Baji taught you how to pack a punch. The guy tried to send a blow towards you but was stopped by Chifuyu yet the whole commotion came to a halt with Mikey’s commanding voice.

“Y/N, you know this is a guys-only gang”

“I’m aware, Mikey, but” you clenched your fists “but Keisuke cared about this gang so I feel like I must join, to protect everything he fought for” you raised your head “he also taught me how to fight so you don’t have to worry about me being a burden on you and I know a few things about first aid, I can carry my own weight” you were thankful for your mother being a nurse and having taught you a bit.

He stared at you, his eyes giving away nothing.

“The first division can take her in” Chifuyu supplied.

Mikey raised a brow and looked at another blonde guy.

“Takemitchy, you are the first division’s captain, do you agree to take her?” the guy straightened up and after sharing one look with Chifuyu he nodded.

An uproar started as a lot of guys started to complain about how bad of an idea it was to admit a girl in the gang but Draken stopped them with one word.

Mikey looked at you once more, then he sighed and nodded.

“Then welcome, Y/N L/N, from now on you are a member of the Tokyo Manji Gang under the first division”.

Later that day you gave your thanks to Chifuyu and Takemichi, for getting behind you and promised to help them in any way possible but Chifuyu made you promise to be safe and only join them as a last resource because he couldn’t allow Baji’s girlfriend to get hurt since he promised him he’d take care of you.

You knew that your parents wouldn’t be happy with you being a part of a gang but you had to do it, it was a way to stay close to Kei and you needed that or else you would have gone crazy, you were also thankful because life had it that you were assigned to the division that used to be his.

Shit happened but you always took things head on and you had to admit that Chifuyu and Takemichi played a crucial part in you surviving all the crappy things that happened until the gang disbanded. While still a member you were extremely grateful for makeup since it helped you hide from your parents a good amount of nasty bruises that came from the fights.

The second thing that changed was that you moved out of your parents’ house from the moment you started college and although at first it was hard and you were living in a tiny apartment that resembled more to a matchbox yet it was the only thing you could afford at the moment with the part time job you had but you were decided to not return home, not because you weren’t comfortable with them but because they were already doing too much for you by paying for your studies so you didn’t want them to be spending any more money on you.

You managed and after a while you got a better job that meant a higher pay grade and you moved out of your tiny place to your current one that was bigger and just a couple of minutes away from the cemetery where the Baji family grave was.

Even when you had exams due the next day, even when you were way too busy, you still made it a habit to go visit him daily, it didn’t matter if you had to walk for long or that you were so tired you could have fallen asleep while standing, you still went to see him.

Your mother told you once that maybe you should let go, that he wouldn’t like to have you clinging to him this much and to appease her you went to a couple of dates once every three months but you never made it past the first date but funnily enough that landed you a few long lasting friendships with some of the guys you tried to date.

One time his mom talked to you and told you just how grateful she was with you for loving her son the way you did but that you didn’t owe him anything, that you could move on because she was sure that was what he would have wanted and maybe she was right; to hell you knew that she was; but it wasn’t a matter of you feeling like you owed devotion to him but more like no one ever compared to him, not a single person awoke in you the same feelings he did, not with the same intensity it was kind of like a beautiful curse because you grieved daily his absence but you wouldn’t want it other way, even if you went back and told yourself that by loving him you’d end up in pain, you’d still go through it all because the time spent with him was worth it and you told her that so she smiled and even talked with your mother making her stop begging you to date and leave you to your own devices.

Another thing that changed was you because you cut your hair really short; yet without needing it you still wore a hair tie on your wrist daily as if it was some sort of amulet because it reminded you of him.

Also, with the bigger place you adopted three beautiful cats that you loved dearly, first there was Blue; whose black hair shone blue under certain light hence his name; then there was Leo; an orange tabby cat you found one day and adopted instantly; and Jin; a maine coon that was your appointed guardian and didn’t like anyone around you nor him.

The three always slept with you; which made you thankful for getting a big bed when you first moved; and in a way they made your life less lonely because in their presence you felt as if Keisuke was right there with you which made sense because you two had made plans about living together once highschool was over and then adopt a ton of cats, all the cats your parents never allowed in the house when you were younger.

Of course things don’t always end up the way we plan them, you knew that better than most although to be completely honest you never expected Kazutora to come into the picture.

You new who he was, on one occasion Kei told you that him speaking on his behalf and taking the full blame for what happened with Mikey’s older brother was a big factor on him staying out of juvie so in a way you were thankful to him but you also knew; through Chifuyu’s retelling; what happened on that horrible halloween when you lost your whole world.

Even when you knew that everything had been planned out by Kisaki, for the longest time you were resentful towards Kazutora, even going as far as to curse his sole existence because hadn’t it been for him then your Keisuke would surely still be with you. It took you years for you to come to terms with everything and accept that Baji chose to leave all because he cared about that boy way too much.

You came to realize that by hating Kazutora, by wishing him the worst and spending so much energy in resenting him you were betraying Kei’s wishes.

His final will was to keep Toman’s funding members; Kazutora included; safe, he chose death, going down as a villain to his friends, all just to protect them, to save him so the least you could do was carry on his wishes and look after them, not only after Chifuyu and the others but you also felt the moral obligation towards Keisuke, to welcome Kazutora and help him back into his life.

Now, you went to help around Chifuyu and Kazutora’s shop, fully aware that it was their way of honoring his memory, by living out the dream he never had the chance for.

You could understand them because everyday you did the same, hell, you even went to study veterinary because that had been the plan all those years back; he was supposed to open his pet shop and you were supposed to be the one to tend to the animals, he always said that you had the best shot because you usually did rather good at school.

You met Kazutora the day after Chifuyu picked him up from prison. You already knew that he would be joining you two for lunch the following day because he told you in advance in case you weren’t ready to meet the man that had played a big part in your old boyfriend’s death.

Chifuyu by that point had become your best friend in the world, your constant support. What started as a way to cope with Baji’s loss, as both of you searching in the other for any vestiges of his existence with the passing of the years turned into something more, a fraternal bond forged through shared grief.

Chifuyu was like a brother to you and you knew that he saw you as a sister, you cared about him deeply.

If you were being completely honest, you were a bit torn when a month prior to the release, he announced to you that he’d be picking up the guy and was planning on welcoming him as a roommate and as an extra hand at the shop; that is if the other accepted. I mean, you’d have to be crazy to just accept it as it was, no questions asked because whether manipulated and messed up in the head, it didn’t change the fact that he was the one to stab him.

Of course you knew it hadn’t been easy for him to reach that, it was obvious that he had thought it through, you could see in his eyes just how much went into making that decision but that he was sure that that was Baji would have liked and you knew that as well because that was the type of person Keisuke used to be, a bit rough on the edges but so caring and willing to give for those he loved, and he sure as hell had proven how much he cared about the guy.

You had never talked to him, what little you knew about him was what Baji had mentioned all those years back when he almost went to prison and what Chifuyu told you, how he was getting the help he needed and seemed to be making progress but that was it.

To say it was awkward at first was a big understatement. He was extremely quiet and even after you greeted him he refused to make eye contact while you kept fidgeting in place trying to come up with something to say. Thank god for Chifuyu since he was the one to introduce you although he could have been a bit more careful when he introduced you as Baji’s old girlfriend, although you couldn’t blame him because there was no way around it, that was what you were.

The moment he understood who you were he froze, eyes focusing on his hands under the table. You noticed how uneasy he became and with a look you asked Chifuyu to give you a minute, thankfully he understood and trusting you excused himself from the table.

You reached out, stilling your hand in the middle of the space between you when you saw him flinch, something that reminded you of the time when you encountered Leo for the first time; hurt and scared. Kazutora in a way resembled him, something lonely and broken about him that gave you the final push to get close.

Just like you did way back for Leo you extended your open hand towards him, facing upwards to show him that you had no ill intentions and you rested your hand on the table just a few centimeters away from his arm, not wanting to startle him but wanting to show him that you were trying to get close.

“I don’t hate you, Hanemiya-kun”

His gaze zeroed on your hand and then eyes of the color of the lightest brown you’ve ever seen; almost the same shade as amber; met yours wary and trembling but you simply nodded confirming that you were being completely honest.

“Why?” his voice came out broken.

“Because Keisuke cared about you” you smiled, feeling your eyes get watery and Kazutora’s face became blurry due to the tears.

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, I- I wish I could take it all back, I really do, I...” you heard the words come out cracked and you shook your head and reached for his arm.

“I know...it’s fine. Like I said, I don’t hate you, it’s been a while since that happened and I’ve made up my mind, I’ve already accepted it as part of life” that’s a lie and you know, you miss him every day so much that you still cling to the little things he left behind, that’s the reason why you haven’t been in a relationship after him.

You quickly wiped the tears out of your eyes and looked at him once more. “I’d like to be there for you, maybe be friends even, that is if you’d like that”

Kazutora’s mind was running laps. Was he hearing you correctly? Did you actually say that you wanted to be friends with him? Be friends with the guy that killed your boyfriend nonetheless. He couldn’t wrap his head around that thought, it was simply impossible, he was a villain, a rotten fruit that nobody had ever liked and that poisoned the only good things he had in his life, why would anyone want to be near him?

First there was Chifuyu; who for all he could gather used to consider Baji as his best friend; welcoming him into his apartment, offering him a place to stay and even a job no questions asked, that was already hard to understand, but now having you willing to welcome him? That was almost ridiculous because you surely knew, he saw the way you interacted with Chifuyu, there was no way in hell he didn’t tell you, so why?

Why were you being kind to him? So gentle? Why couldn’t you just scream and curse him? Heaven knows for how long he has been cursing himself, regretting everything he did, from Shinichiro to Baji. He deserved to be yelled at, to be shunned away from society, he was deserving of pain and should be tossed to the abyss of loneliness, forever in the dark, far away from the sun.

He couldn’t fathom why on God's name was Baji’s girlfriend in front of him extending her delicate hand towards him. But even when he couldn’t understand he wanted to accept it. He knew he deserved nothing given how he had taken two lives but he wanted the embrace so badly.

He wanted company, friends, he didn’t want to be forever an outcast due to his bad decisions but instead he wanted to belong, to feel some sort of comfort, he wanted to bask in the sun’s warmth and for once in a very long time feel a bit of peace, he wanted saving, someone to tell him he was worthy even when he knew he wasn’t.

He looked at you once more, and something felt warm inside his chest; even his throat tightening; when he saw that you were still smiling gently at him despite the rebel tears that had escaped from your eyes.

“I’d like that” he smiled wobbly. “Also, Kazutora is fine”

“Then let’s be friends, Kazutora-kun” your smile grew broader and that was the start.

Surprisingly after that, it didn’t take long for you to grow comfortable with each other. He was quiet and would often be found spacing off but he was considerate towards you, actually he returned the same kindness you gave him, although it was evident that he was still wary and a bit rough on the edges he tried hard and you could see, so whenever he was having a bad mood you tried not to take it personally.

Through gentle words and patience, you won him over, even those around you were surprised at how quickly he warmed up to you but there was just something in him that pulled you, maybe that same thing that pushed you to adopt Leo when you found him malnourished and hurt on your way home from the cemetery or maybe it was something else.

Just as he warmed up to you, you warmed up to him. It was easy to talk to him, he was always willing to lend you an attentive ear, listening to your ramblings about the monotonous things that happened at the clinic, it didn’t matter that he knew nothing about the people you mentioned, he always listened like it was the most important thing in the world.

At first your interactions were always in company of Chifuyu, mostly at the shop while you went to visit which actually ended in you helping around to organize the merchandise or on the usual checkups on the animals to ensure that they were in the utmost condition for the moment someone decided to welcome them into their home.

Then, Kazutora started to walk you to the station but slowly that turned into him accompanying you all the way home and since he was taking the time to go with you you started offering him a cup of tea at your house before he’d leave again to get back to his and Chifuyu’s place.

That wasn’t the end of it because one cup of tea turned into two, then three and finally what started as a thanks for the inconvenience turned into hours-long talks about the most menial things just because.

Your cats loved him; Blue was always rubbing himself against his legs while Leo wasted no time to go lay on his legs and with a meow demand to be petted at the moment; but the most amazing thing of all was that Jin didn’t hate him, in fact he got way too comfortable with him which was a thing that you’d never seen, the only other person besides yourself that he liked was Hina, hell, not even Chifuyu had been able to charm the bigger cat and now apparently he didn’t mind Kazutora trailing behind you when even up to that day whenever he was visiting Chifuyu would get a growl from Jin but not Kazutora.

He was nice to your babies, he liked them and you could see that he didn’t change his demeanour towards them even when he thought you weren’t looking, in fact his voice got softer when directed at them and you were also the kind of person that trusted animal’s perception so the fact that your beloved cats liked him really told you that he had changed from what little you knew about his ways before being sent to prison after Baji’s death.

Kazutora started noticing the little things about you, for starters the way you’d always be singing a random thing off tune but with such energy that it was amusing but when asked he’d swear on his life that he wasn’t bothered that he actually liked it even though you knew very well that you weren’t a good singer but the opposite yet there was something powerful about having him joining in the middle of your singing, even when he didn’t know the lyrics he’d be humming along.

You were a sight to behold for him because in all the mess of his life he had never encountered someone as lively as yourself. Even after losing Baji you tried your best, you were determined and hardworking and so kind, not only to him but to every living thing no matter if they were animals, people or even plants, you amazed him because you were always so willing to be gentle to anyone.

You were a soothing presence.

That was not to say you didn’t have your bad days, after all you were only human and it was simply impossible to be at one hundred percent everyday the whole day, but you pushed through and you were always quick to ask for forgiveness if you had an outburst towards someone, you were the kind to not withhold apologies even when you weren’t at fault. He could remember a handful of times in which you apologized when he was the one to step on your toes.

You, of all people apologized to him, a social reject, a vermin, you apologized to him as if he was worthy, as if that was the logical thing to do but he knew that no matter what you did he knew that he was the one that still owed you a lifetime of apologies.

He wasn’t an idiot, he knew how much Baji meant to you even to that day, he noticed the little pieces of him lingering in your everyday, like how you always wore a hair tie around your wrist even when your hair was way too short for you to ever need it and whenever you had to get your bangs out of your face you used hair clips, never the tie on your wrist, the way you always cracked your knuckles as if getting ready for a fight even if you were only checking the animals and the way you carried yourself in a way resembled the way Baji used to.

He never told you but a few times he found you at the cemetery by coincidence while visiting Baji and there was something heartbreaking about seeing you kneeling on the ground with trembling shoulders despite it being a hot day. He regretted what he did, not only because he felt guilty or ‘cause he missed his friend but also for your sake because he wanted to see your happy smile, he never wanted to hear your cries ever again.

Just like him, you started seeking his company more and more, not only were you inviting him to stay and talk after walking you home but you made plans with him and just him, to go window shopping, for a cup of coffee, lunch dates, movie premieres; because you liked going to the movies so much and discovered that he was an enthusiast as much as you; movies on the couch, even just lazy sundays at your house playing the entire day with your cats.

Of course reaching this state was quick yet slow, it was hard to explain, like you were close to him and enjoyed his company, but it was different than it was with Hina or even Chifuyu yet you wouldn’t call it romantic, not at first.

Sure, there was something to Kazutora, you weren’t blind so you could see clear as day that he was rather handsome, probably one of the prettiest guys you’d ever met but there was something more, something that pulled you, something broken and lonely that tugged at your heart and told you to care for him.

At such a young age he had been to prison on two occasions and you could actually see that that was simply the tip of the iceberg. He had to mature too soon, he mentioned vaguely that his relation with his parents wasn’t the best and his eyes at times looked older than he actually was, plus it took a long time for him to get used to your affectionate ways because your love-language was physical touch. You had a special fascination with hair and all of your friends were used to that but Kazutora was like a kicked puppy that was only learning to trust in people once more.

You were a new breeze of air into his life, with your caring ways and funny nature he fell. For the first time in his life he had someone like you, at first it was difficult for him to realize that the fuzzy feeling inside his gut whenever he looked at you or even heard your voice meant what people called love but it was a given because he had never felt that way before.

For the longest time he felt like love was a lie, he remembered how bad his home life was, how strained and full of pain the things between his parents were, even now from time to time he had nightmares of his mother crying as his father hit her and then her begging him; only a child; to pick sides.

He wanted to hold you close, to keep you away from harm and to listen to your laugh for days on end, for once his heartbeat quickened for someone, he found a safe place in your presence, you were an oasis after years roaming the desert. You were such an unusual kind of certainty in his life that he never had but that he had searched for so long.

While Kazutora realized rather quickly; in comparison to you; that you had wormed your way into his heart making a home for you it took you around three years and others pointing it out for you to actually realize that he meant to you more than a friend.

The first one was your mother although not as subtly but rather by saying that she was happy that you were now with Kazutora which took you by surprise because you weren’t.

That wasn’t the end of it, but only the beginning.

The next one was Hina one day you were sleeping over at her house, but the cherry on top was Chifuyu.

“Hey, I know it’s not really my business, but when are you going to get together?” he asked one time when you went out for coffee.

“What?” you asked mindlessly, stirring some sugar into your beverage.

“Yeah, you’re kind of driving me crazy, it’s kind of annoying feeling like a third-wheel without actually being one, just get it over with” he spoke before taking a sip from his own cup.

“What?” you snapped your head back to him.

“Is that the only thing you’re gonna say?” he looked at you through half-lidded eyes.

“Yes, because I honestly don’t understand a single thing of what you’re saying” you shook your head and took a sip from your coffee.

“What I’m saying is that it’s obvious that you like Kazutora” he said matter-of-factly.

“Of course I like him, he’s my friend, I like you too”.

“No, you don’t, you like me as your friend but you like Kazutora in a different way, a lovey-dovey way” he deadpanned.

“No, Kei-” you began just like you did whenever your mother used to bring up your love life or thereof lack of it.

“Baji-san has been gone for years already” he cut you, wincing as he said that and to you his words felt like a slap across your face.

“Look, I know, trust me, I do, but it’s been long enough and if there is someone that makes you feel good you should go for it, he wouldn’t want you being unhappy for him” he sighed and with a hand pushed his hair back.

“He asked me to take care of you because he wanted you to be alright, he wanted you to be happy and he’d probably punch me if I simply stood by and watched you being miserable” he pushed his cup to the side, leaned over the table to grab you by the shoulders and looked into your eyes seriously.

“I know you like him, don’t be an idiot, it’s painfully obvious with how you look at him and spend almost all of your free time with him, Baji-san won’t be mad at you for finding someone new and I believe that he’d be happy that it is Kazutora of all people”.

Before you could respond to that, the sound of a new message cut you off and when you looked sideways to your phone on the table, a soft smile graced your lips when Kazutora’s name appeared on the screen. Without thinking you opened it and it was some random video of a kitten; somewhere along the way it became a thing between you and it reminded you of how Keisuke used to send you daily pictures of the cats that went to his house.

“It’s Kazutora, right?” Your face grew hot once you came back to reality, remembering suddenly with whom you were and what you were talking about.

“I’ll let you be, but don’t be an idiot and let yourself be happy” and just like that Chifuyu ended that conversation and quickly changed topics.

You knew you liked him, you felt warm whenever he was around you, his voice soothed you even on the worst of days and you looked forward to his messages. You had learned to find comfort in his eyes but they were a wrong shade; not brown enough.

He wasn’t Keisuke. He’d never be.

A few days later you found yourself in the shop, helping around but constantly sending glances in his direction, his back facing towards you, looking painfully similar to Kei’s even down to the hair length, although the color wasn’t the right match with it’s blonde streaks you could still fool yourself into thinking it was him.

But then he’d turn to look at you and send a smile your way and there would be a beauty mark under golden eyes and a tiger tattoo where it shouldn’t have been and that smile was lacking a pair of prominent incisives peeking through.

You knew it was wrong to look at him searching for Keisuke, searching for your lost love in another, clinging to the remnants of his passing through the world but you missed him so much.

At times you felt like you couldn’t even breathe, you had even fallen asleep in front of his family grave after a long day if you went to visit at dawn after not being able to make it at morning but you had to visit him daily in order to feel in his company because if you ever thought of skipping a lump appeared in your chest crushing your heart.

Yet, even then, even when you realized it wasn’t Baji your heart would skip a bit and your stomach would twist.

Later that night you found yourself walking home with Kazutora by your side in complete but comfortable silence, feeling the warmth oozing from his arm that was left hanging at his side lightly brushing against yours, rising even the tiniest hair of your arm.

Kazutora had been going at it over and over for months. At first, when he realized what he felt for you he decided to bury it deep and forever carry it in silence but as time went on he craved your presence.

He started wishing for more, more smiles, those smiles to be only for him, he even found himself looking forward to getting hurt while playing with your cats because it meant that you would be cleaning up his hands and putting on a band-aid with the utmost care and attention even if they were the most insignificant scratches ever.

He liked having your attention, he liked that you replied to any message from him almost immediately; unless you were attending to a patient then you’d reply as soon as possible; he also liked how your eyes would get bigger whenever something amazed you or if you found something even remotely cute.

Your constant ramblings plagued his mind at every hour no matter if he was asleep. Hell, he even went to Baji’s grave to ask for permission to love you, even if he did so in silence he felt like he owed that much to his old friend because you were his girl after all.

Why did it have to be you? Why Baji’s? Why did you have to come into his life and be like the sun? You were too much for him, too perfect, too good while he was nothing but a mess, too fucked up, too far away from repair. For fuck’s sake, he was the one that took your boyfriend away, he would have been better off handling your hate but instead you were there giving him so much it almost pained him, only adding up to his guilt.

This had to be some sick game of the universe. God must have been having the time of his life laughing at how the killer fell in love with the victim’s old love.

Before any of you knew, you had already gotten home and like it became custom you invited him inside for a cup of tea.

As soon as you opened the door, your three babies rushed to the entryway to greet you, Jin being the very first, you hadn’t taken two steps inside when he was already brushing himself against your legs. The other two weren’t too far but to your disappointment Leo approached Kazutora before even looking at you.

“I’ll stop bringing you here, you’re stealing them away from me” you pouted while kneeling down to hug Jin who looked at Kazutora with no distaste, then you picked up Blue and let him nuzzle your neck, after that still holding him you went to rub Leo with your free hand once he finally took notice of you and remembered who bought him food and toys.

Kazutora’s hearty laugh filled your ears pulling your mouth from the pout into a smile.

“Leo knows who’s the cool one” he winked your way. “I’m kidding, he likes you more” he looked down at said cat “right pal? Isn’t your mom the absolute best?”

“Oh, shut up, flattery won’t take you anywhere” You felt blood rushing to your face so you stood up hiding your reddening face into Blue’s fur.

You hurried to the kitchen and then, out of his sight was when you put Blue down and started to boil some water, hearing over it as the door closed and seconds later Kazutora appeared with the other two trailing behind.

You ended up splayed on the bigger couch in your living room, your back leaning against his side while Jin laid on top of your legs while in Kazutora’s rested the other two cats. At that moment you were with your eyes closed, mindlessly caressing Jin while you listened to Kazutora talk to your cats in a baby voice that you wouldn’t have expected from him the first time you met.

For him it wasn’t easy to keep his cool, he had to school his face even if you weren’t looking at him and oh, his heart was so loud it was about to jump out of his chest and he wouldn’t mind but he didn’t want you to listen.

I’m sorry Baji.

A  meow of protest fell on deaf ears since he had stopped caressing Leo and Blue, instead turning his full attention towards you.

You turned your head and suddenly you found yourself way too close to his face; so much you could’ve counted every single of his lashes; staring up at a pair of golden eyes that were looking at you and only you as if you had been the one to hang up the stars in the sky.

His features were delicate, so beautiful it was heartstopping, he looked almost otherworldly; and not only because the ghost of Baji’s face lingered in his in a particular way; but there was a certain glimmer in his eyes that you had been noticing from a few days leading to that one, only that then it shined brighter than ever.

Unbeknownst to you, your eyes were reflecting Kazutora’s shine and your heart was beating to the same tempo as his starting up a melody of their own with your breathing getting caught up in your lungs making up the rhythm accompanying your song.

You were being drawn into each other like opposite poles of a magnet, barely any resistance was there and soon enough you met in the middle. At first it was the softest brush; like when you first dip your toe before jumping into the water; but it started a whole revolution inside both.

The brush became a second and then your lips were pressing against each other, basking in the warmth that radiated off that single contact that sparked a bunch of reactions at the same time. Your heart went off, your lungs closed; forgetting for that moment that they needed air and not that man to keep kissing you; and for the briefest moment your mind stopped thinking about Baji.

Kazutora was ready to die, if he was sent to hell at that very moment he’d be glad because at least he got a taste of heaven and it was more than enough. He decided then and there that he was bound to be cursed because how did a monster like him manage to get a kiss from an angel such as yourself? It must have been a sin for something so tainted to even look your way.

He didn’t know when your hand placed itself on the side of his neck but he knew that he was yours, if there was any doubt of that up until that point, it vanished with the way you were gently caressing his tattoo as if you were tracing it by memory, as if you had paid close attention to him, as if he mattered, as if he was something more than a broken thing.

Something inside you moved when a whimper escaped his lips the first time you pulled away for a mere second in order to get air before going in once more, this time ready to open your mouth and let him take while you explored. It felt nice, new; which was to be expected since the last time you had kissed someone this way had been with Baji.

Keisuke.

You opened your eyes and suddenly pulled away, almost as if his touch burned you; and in a way it could be said to be true; and your violent movement startled the three cats that you had ignored moments before, making them leave for your room.

The image of your beloved; death; boyfriend took Kazutora’s place, brown replaced gold and the beauty mark vanished, the yellow strands that framed his face turned jet black and the smile you’d been missing like crazy; that particularly his that showed his teeth was there.

You blinked a few times and his image left, allowing you to see Kazutora for who he was and not the ghost of him.

“I’m sorry, I don’t know what came to me” he looked at you with tears gathering in his eyes almost pleading and you realized how it must have looked to him.

“No, Tora, I-”

I’m an idiot, I blew this up. Again I’ve just gone and ruined what good I had.

“I’m going now” he stood up and left for the door, leaving you alone and cold on the couch.

I’m sorry Keisuke.

You stood up and went after, finding him in the doorway hastily putting on his shoes but you grasped his arm to stop him.

“I will leave right now, it’ll be like nothing happened” you caught a glimpse of a tear trailing down his cheek and that sight prompted you to speak.

“No” your other hand reached for the fabric of his shirt, securing him.

“Y/N”

“I don’t want you to leave, I-” the words choked you, there was too much you had to say and your mouth wasn’t responding as fast as you would’ve liked.

“Don’t ask me to stay because if you do it’ll only hurt more when you tell me it was a mistake”

“But it wasn’t a mistake, I want you, okay? Kazutora, I like you” you at least managed to say the one thing that was clear in your mind, that had been clear for a long time but only got accepted after that one conversation with Chifuyu.

That certainly stopped him, for he turned around to fully face you and you saw his eyes filled to the brim in tears that he refused to let run freely.

You reached for his face as slowly as the first time you two met, giving him enough space to retreat, but how could he when the thing he wanted most was to be with you and bask in the calm that your presence brought into his messy life? When he didn’t give any signs of pulling away you smiled and cupped his cheeks as if you were holding a piece of glass; and in a way Kazutora was just as fragile as that material when it came to you.

He leaned into your touch, and you were bold enough to pull him in and rest your foreheads together, looking with all seriousness into his eyes, having deja vu of the first day.

“Why? Why? I- what I did to Baji, you know what I’ve done, I don’t”

“I really can’t say, I just do, it’s, it’s hard, okay?” you closed your eyes for a brief second before continuing.

“I swore that there wouldn’t be anyone else and now, now you are here and I like being with you but I know that is way different from how it is with anyone else, it’s something more, something I never thought I’d be able to feel again”

He smiled through his tears because after all he’s done, every mistake in his life said that he didn’t deserve you and yet there you were.

“But I also have to be honest with you” he braced himself for what would be your next words.

“I still love Keisuke, I will probably still be loving him even fifty years from now and that is something that will never change, he was my first friend, first time holding hands, my first love, first kiss, many firsts, he took most of them” you gave out a wobbly smile.

“He’s forever imprinted in my skin and I’ll always be his” he lowered his gaze at that. “But if you can accept that I’m willing to try this, I never dated; not really, not an actual relationship; after him but I wouldn’t mind it being you, I think we deserve a chance”.

His heart was thumping inside his chest making it harder to process everything so you waited while his mind raced. Kazutora looked into your eyes and knew he had to take the chance because you were what he needed and even if he was undeserving you thought him worthy.

A selfish part of him, the bad side said that he should be glad because if Baji was there he knew you would have chosen him, a thousand times you’d have chosen Baji over Kazutora and that pained him but what pained him the most was the fact that a tiny part of him was happy because now he had the chance to be with you.

He was taking the life Baji should’ve had, but he’d take good care of you.

He could live being second best if that meant he got to have you.

[chiwhorei]

green scrunchies

pairing: dom!k. ukai x sub!fem!reader

genre: smut, 18+ minors dni

word count: 4.1k

warnings: swearing, spanking, smoking, daddy kink, dom/ sub dynamics, brat taming, subspace, dirty talk, degradation, age gap(reader is 22ish and ukai is 26ish) spitting, fingering, oral (fem receiving), edging, orgasm denial, dacryphilia, a little dumification, public nudity (kinda), unprotected sex, tattoos (there’s a tattoo in a really unholy place), this is just filth okay

a/n: i have been sitting on the bulk of this piece for a fucking month and am honestly so surprised i finished it. this was inspired by a picture i saw of a really naughty tattoo and my mind want crazy and vomited on to a google doc.

hymn: nothing’s gonna hurt you baby by cigarettes after sex

“but today isn’t a day of honey-sweet ministrations.”

Ukai Keishin is a gentle man. The team of highschoolers he coaches, his friends, hell, even his mother would beg to differ. But they were not privy to the Keishin you know. The man that serenades you with Elvis Presley while cleaning up after closing the store, grabbing your waist and pulling you into a clumsy slow dance as his gravelly voice croons into your ear. 

He’s entrancing. Hypnotizing you, almost two years ago now, in the most tender pursuit possible, so softly you were unaware of falling deeply in love with him until you had already tipped completely over. Turning to an ink pen and scraps of receipt paper to flesh out the feelings he worried would not sound perfect when they hit your ears. To this day, you’re not entirely sure if he meant to leave the pages to his extemporaneous romance novel for you to find on purpose, but you have your suspicions.

You were in your second year of college when you met Keishin, only 20 years old at the time and clueless to any world outside of studying frantically from one exam to the next. Chasing after a degree you could pursue your dreams with and getting tattoos that would piss your parents off, you crashed into him, literally. 

While walking to class with practiced steps and flipping through a small stack of notecards, you frantically try to accomplish last minute cramming and making it to class promptly at the same time. With one final attempt to understand the scribbles in front of you, you take a sharp turn into a brick wall. A flurry of white papers thrown into the air and falling back down like snow.

It happened in a minute, a minute that held sixty of the longest seconds to ever pass; from the moment you smack your nose into his cemented chest to the moment he saves your head from kissing the ground below. “You need to watch where you’re going, kid.” He says with a cigarette pressed between his teeth. It all happened in that single minute, your soul escaping and crawling into his jacket pocket without even realizing. It’s been there ever since, for safekeeping, of course.

He’s perfect in every way. But just as he is soft and loving, Ukai is not one to take shit. Especially when his sweet, shy baby girl is being a raging brat. It’s like any normal fall afternoon, slightly chilly and crisp on your walk from class. The air is biting at your skin, but the temperature is not what sends a piercing shiver down your spine. You know that as soon as you get home, Ukai Keishin is going to ruin you. 

“What are you doing here, princess?” Your presence is made known with a soft ding from the bell above the door, but Ukai doesn't look up from his magazine when acknowledging you. 

“I live upstairs?” Your tone is light and playful. You decide to test the waters, wondering how much Keishin will let slide today.

“Don’t be dense, little one.” He graces you with his eye contact for the first time, “I know you have a Biology lecture on Friday afternoons. So, why is that cute little ass here instead of on campus?” His lips are pulled tightly in a thin line and he rakes his eyes down your body. You’re wearing a short pleated skirt and a baggie pull-over. Exactly what he picked out for you this morning. Well, almost exactly. He was already opening up the store by the time you woke up, so the clothes were placed neatly on his side of the bed. What he didn’t pick out though, were the stockings currently brandishing your mid thigh, cutting off the supple skin with the soft, black cotton. 

“Oh! My professor cancelled lecture today so I came home early to have lunch with my loving boyfriend.” You smile sweetly, dropping your backpack and rounding the corner of the counter he is sat at. Ukai hums softly- dismissively- and lights a cigarette, his eyes don’t give away any emotion, so you are left hanging off the end of the burning cherry. Has he caught on yet? Maybe the thigh-highs would be enough to distract from your real surprise. 

Before you can ruminate on the thought, a wide, kind smile spreads across his face. If you didn’t know any better, this smile would be comforting. Your boyfriend pats his lap, motioning for you to take a seat. You adjust yourself to fit snugly and lean into Keishin’s chest. He presses a chaste kiss to your temple and takes a drag from his cigarette. Customers trickle in slowly, and you stand a few times to ring up their purchases, always the dutiful girlfriend. Keishin watches you with adoration in between paging through a magazine, everything you did was so perfect, even if it’s just scanning a few groceries. Such a good girl you are. 

It’s not until you sit back down, and he adjusts your hips to settle back into him that he is made aware of the game you’re trying to play. And he is pissed.

“Princess, did you not like the clothes I picked out for you this morning?” He has fully caught on to you at this point, and you both know it, but he isn’t going to show you his hand quite yet. 

“Of course I did, Daddy.” You bury your burning cheek into his neck, letting the familiar smell of cologne and campfires calm your clambering heartbeat. 

“I see, then why are you wearing these…” Keishin’s voice trails off and pulls at the material of the thigh-highs, snapping it against your skin.  

“Actually,” he interrupts, “I have a more important question. But I need you to be a good girl and answer honestly.” Keishin whispers into the shell of your ear and nods a goodbye to the elderly man leaving the store. You two were alone now, the promise of other customers wandering in diminishing quickly with the time of day. 

“I’ll be a good girl Daddy.” You try to coat your words in velvet as best as you can, but Keishin scoffs, clearly unamused. 

“That’s rich, princess. Now tell me, did you go to campus this morning without panties on?” You knew the question he was going to pose, you could have even saved him the breath. You knew you were going to get caught, I mean, that is why you did it. But now, faced with having to atone for your sins, the confidence in your original actions was melting away. 

“I forgot to put panties on this morning, Daddy. I’m sorry.” You try to pout in the sweetest way possible, but Keishin knows. You’re lying through your teeth.

“Tsk, you forgot. How could you forget if I laid them right on top of your skirt this morning?” He fishes in his pocket and pulls out a damning article. As he moves the exhibit into evidence, light pink thong hanging off of fingers, you resolve that your little game was over long before you even tried to start. All you can do now is wait with baited breath and flushed cheeks for his next move. 

“Stand up princess.” Ukai grabs onto your hip bones and lifts you upward. He spins you around to face him and perches his elbows on his knees. “Show me what’s mine baby girl.” His request, his demand, rolls off the tongue like icicles. You know what he means, but still stare back dumbly, mouth wide at what he was insinuating.

“You know I don’t like repeating myself, little girl.” His words stir inside you. If he sees how wet you’re getting, you’re done for. There’s no escaping this moment though. You take a deep breath in a feeble fight against the suffocating feeling in your chest, and lift up the end of your short, black skirt so he can see you. All of you.

Your precious, sumptuous thighs now in his view. He studies the lines of the tattoos not covered with your stockings. Beautiful floral designs in delicate black ink. Keishin thinks the work you get done is always so beautiful. Every addition befitting you perfectly. He loves tracing the pads of his fingers over the art in softer moments. This moment though, was not soft, and the tattoos on your thighs were not the subject of Ukai’s attention. 

He flicks his eyes up to meet yours briefly, and trails down from your quivering bottom lip, to your delicate, freckled collarbones peering sweetly from your large sweater. He drags his darkening gaze down further, cherishing every inch until he reaches your hips. Nestled in between the apex of your thighs, in small, dainty writing lays his prize.

“My Daddy Will Kill You.”

No matter what you did, he would always be there, snugly under the second layer of skin. When his fingers weren’t intertwined in yours, when he couldn’t have a protective hand in your back pocket. Whenever he was away with his team for tournaments or just when you were in class. He was always on you.

“Such a gorgeous little cunt you have.” He leans back in his seat, watching you fidget under his stare, “Whose cunt is this, baby? Is it your classmates? Is it your professors?” You bow your head in shame at Ukai’s insinuation, you know that going to class with a bare ass and a short skirt was going to get you in trouble. How could you resist though, when the punishment always feels so good.

“You’ve been acting like a petulant brat recently. I’ve been letting things slide because I know how stressful your senior year of college has been.” His tone is exasperated, but his eyes are calm, level, dark, “I can’t ignore this, you know that right?”

“I know, Daddy.”

“Your class was cancelled. So that means we get to start the weekend early.” He pulls your hands from your skirt, letting it fall back into place and holds both of your hands in one of his much larger ones. “Go upstairs and sit on the bed. I want you in just your skirt and those cute little tights you were so keen on wearing. I’ll be up in a few minutes.” 

“But Daddy…” you really did like to test your luck sometimes, but the look he gives you, slightly shocked and more than lightly infuriated, was enough to make you hurry to the back and up the stairs to your shared apartment. You kick your sneakers off at the door and head straight to the bedroom. You pull the sweater over your head and unclasp your bra. Usually Keishin likes to do that step for you, savoring the way you shiver as he brushes the straps off of your shoulders, but today isn’t a day of honey-sweet ministrations. 

You tremble like a puppy as you wait for Ukai and almost jump out of your own skin when you hear the front door creek open. Usually you are met with a bellowing voice upon his entry, walking through the door with a hearty, “Honey, I’m home!” even if you had only walked in a few steps ahead. Now, all you can do is wait as he mulls about the apartment with lackadaisical intent and a deafening silence. After a few agonizing minutes and feeling like he made his point, Ukai finally appears in the doorway, arms folded and pressed tightly to his hard chest with a categorically sadistic smile on his face.

“So, you do know how to follow directions?” You gulp loudly and nod your head, but quickly correct yourself. If you don’t use your words you’ll make things worse for yourself. “Yes, Daddy. I know how to follow directions.” It’s not a lie, obviously you are aware of his rules, you just prefer breaking them. Your response is small compared to the loud, sarcastic laugh falling from his throat. Ukai steps towards you slowly. 

“You are such a little tease, I came up to kiss you goodbye this morning and found these still sitting on the bed.” He pulls the thong out of his pocket again and drops the lace into your lap. “You left them there because you wanted me to find them. You wanted me to know you were sitting in class with a bare cunt.” There’s no use trying to find an excuse to push past your locked jaw, because he’s not really asking a question. 

“I left them on purpose, Daddy. I’m sorry.” Your mea culpa is underwhelming to say the least, and you both know it. You may be pleading guilty to all charges, but you don’t seem eager for absolution. 

“You are such a little attention whore. My timid, darling girl has been acting like an insolent slut recently. What am I going to do with you?” His voice sounds questioning, but unmistakingly rhetorical. He’s known what he was going to do to you from the moment he spotted your panties weighing the bed down this morning.

“Turn around baby.” Ukai unbuckles his belt, and you turn away from him, tucking your legs to sit upright. He gathers your long h/c hair from where it was settled around your face and meticulously braids it to lay flat on your back, attaching the green scrunchy from his wrist to the bottom. 

Just like a calling card, Keishin always had a scrunchy of yours around his wrist. Whenever you are hunched over the kitchen table in the middle of writing a paper, he pulls your hair behind you and fastens it into a bun, careful to keep it loose so as to not invite a headache, and kisses the crown of your head. Regardless of where you are: shopping, date night, visiting him at practice, if he notices your hair becoming annoying he will slip it from your neck and twist it into the green scrunchy.

And when you are about to be punished, Ukai pulls your hair into a neat, low braid.

You feel him run his hands from your shoulders to your wrists, pulling them gently behind your back. He presses your palms together and gives them a squeeze so you know to keep them together. Ukai pulls off his shirt, and  frees his undone belt from his jeans, folding it in half and running the cool leather up your thigh. He swats softly at your skin, just enough to make you flinch. 

Ukai tosses the belt to the ground, deciding he would rather you feel the sting of his palm, and sits down next to you on the bed. You face him with your hands still laced together behind you and let him position you to lay across his lap. The side of your face and your shoulders lay flush against the bed and your ass is raised up above his jean-clad thighs. 

“You know the rules, right my love?”

“Yes, Daddy. If I lose count you have to start over.”

“There’s my smart girl. You look so beautiful like this.” He lands a smack on your right cheek, actions greatly contrasting his soft, almost taunting tone. “It’s such a shame you’ve been acting like such a whore.” 

He delivers slap after slap on your bruising ass and you count every one out to him, briefly considering what would happen if you stopped counting, but you know that your punishment is already going to be harsh enough. You’re a masochist, yes, but not an idiot. 

“Why do you always seem to be on your best behavior when I have you over my knee, darling?” Ukai connects his palm with your tender flesh again. “How many was that baby?” 

“Fifteen, Daddy.” You speak in an even tone, if your boyfriend catches on to how much more you like this than he already knows, you’re, quite literally, fucked. 

“You really know how to play me, baby. I’m always wrapped around your little finger.” He starts to knead your ass cheek with his large hand, skimming the tips of his digits against your wanton cunt. He’s testing you, wanting to see if you’ll start squirming or unclasp your hands from their position behind your back, but you hold steady.

“You leave me naughty little surprises. I had you on my mind all day, thinking about this naked little pussy walking around campus. One tiny slip and you would have shown everyone what’s mine.” Another sharp swat to your butt reverberates through the room and you can barely mumble out your counted response. 

“But that’s what you wanted isn’t it? You wanted everyone to see this slutty pussy of yours didn’t you?” Whether that was the truth or not doesn't actually matter, you know not to make an excuse. You are just meant to count and thank. 

“You need to stop squirming, princess, or you’re going to royally piss me off.” Ukai continues his relentless pace, two thick fingers pistoning deep in your dripping pussy. This was one of Ukai’s favorite games, finger-fucking you to the point of the bed under you slamming into the wall. Your job was to keep completely still. One arch of your back or escaped moan and he would land a sharp slap to your puffy, untended clit. 

He’s actually being quite generous despite the circumstances. Usually, you would be propped on your hands and knees, but Ukai has laid you flat on your back with one leg tossed over his broad shoulder. The position, while easier to keep your body still, does mean that Ukai’s piercing, hungry gaze has you pinned like prey under him. The completely pornografic sounds of his fingers are making your head spin. The fact that he’s been hammering his fingers relentlessly into your g-spot for an hour, is starting to make your mind foggy, all thoughts are starting to slip from your brain and your boyfriend can tell.

“God, baby, I love making you absolutely stupid for me. I bet all you can think about is my cock filling this little cunt up, huh?” His words are sneering, taunting. Your response is a babbled agreement and plea for his cock, and the sight of you so completely fucked out makes the bulge in his jeans strain even further. The feeling of his fingers in your squelching pussy is dulling all other senses, so when he pulls the digits away, you can’t help the cry that rips from the back of your throat. 

“Don’t worry, precious girl, I’m going to give you what you want. What you’re fucking desperate for.” Ukai pushes himself from the bed and removes his jeans and boxers, and you watch as his thick cock springs free to slap against his abdomen. The sound makes you mewl, your cunt clenching in anticipation. 

As Ukai crawls back onto your shared bed, his head dips down in between your legs. He licks, flat and languid across your slit, collecting your arousal on his tongue with a feral groan.

“Please, Daddy. Please fuck me. I- I need you. Wa- want to be your good girl.” You find your words as best as you can to beg for him, the sweet cadence of your voice and the way your weak arms reach out for his messy bleached hair signals to him that you’ve fallen completely into a foggy, submissive haze. You tug lightly at the tresses and the impressive self-control he has kept up thus far snaps like plywood under a heavy boot. 

Ukai takes one more deep, hungry lick at your soaking pussy and sits up, pushing your legs further apart, digging his nails into the soft skin under your knees. 

“Open your mouth, Princess.” You are quick to comply with his request, sticking your tongue out and looking up at him through your lashes. You hear the sound of him spitting, his saliva and your arousal coats the thickest plane of your tongue, but connecting one thought to the next becomes impossible as Ukai pushes his thick cock into you at the same time.

“Jesus Christ, no matter how much time I take to get you ready you’re still so tight. God, you make it really hard to stay mad at you.” His hands keep your legs pressed up to your chest, pushing his thick cock into you at an agonizingly lazy pace. Ukai was right, it didn’t matter that he had finger-fucked you into the mattress for an hour, taking him was a tight fit every time. As he buries himself in you, the intoxicating burn of being so full takes all of the air out of your chest. His thick cock stretches you so far, you swear he can feel your own heartbeat within the walls of your tiny cunt. He’s barely halfway into you and you can’t help but constrict, the tinny flavor of your orgasm crawling up from your spine to your mouth. 

“There’s no way I’m letting you cum already.” Ukai snickered sadistically, thumb brushing across your tattoo, the dirty secret you shared, right over where you need his fingers most. He wasn’t going to touch your deprived clit yet, and hoping for him to do so was a waste of energy. 

“I’m sorry Daddy. I promise, I’ll be good.” Your tears are rolling down the side of your face, wetting the sheet next to you. 

“You’re a pathetic mess and I’m not even all the way in you yet. I would save the tears if I were you, babydoll.” You try to compose yourself, but Ukai’s words of dismissive degradation give your whimpers more body, sobbing and babbling as his cock bottoms out. 

You can feel every inch of him, hard and thick and so so full inside of you. Ukai pulls out of you completely, his soaking tip rubbing on your labia before slamming back in to the hilt. His pace becomes brutal with every thrust, original slow pace completely unknown to you now. There’s no way you're going to be able to stand properly after this. 

“Daddy, please. Please let me cum. Need to cum, Daddy. Need to be your good girl.” A series of calls for your daddy and prayerful begs are the only things you know at this point, drool and tears covering your face.

“You know what, Princess? I bet I could make you cum with just one touch to that little clit.” Ukai takes one hand off of your thigh and hovers over where you have needed him since you woke up this morning. “If I’m right, I’ll make you cum again. If I’m wrong, you’re not gonna cum at all.”

You can feel the warmth of his finger looming over the neglected bud, the anticipation is overwhelming and cruel, but all worth it as soon as he pushes the rough pad of his thumb down. Ukai presses a single, taught circle into your clit and the coil wound tightly in your stomach snaps with incredible force. You know there is a scream that rips from your dry mouth, but you can’t hear it with the blood rushing through your ears. Ukai works you through your first orgasm, stilling his thrusts as until you come floating back down.

“I know this slutty little cunt better than the back of my hand. Now, my precious little thing,” You watch as Ukai hooks your limp legs over his shoulders, lining his throbbing cock back to your slopping entrance. “Let’s do that a couple more times.”

“Wise men say, only fools rush in. But I can’t help, falling in love with you.”

You feel your senses coming back to you slowly, with every delicate touch Keishin glides over your skin. He pulls you back to reality with sweet touches and the deep, gravely sound of his voice. After several meticulous moments and even more words of praise, Kei delivers a delicate kiss to your forehead and carries you to the shower. You take a deep, relaxed sigh as he massages your aching muscles under the hot water. After drying your exhausted body with a fluffy towel, Keishin helps you into a comfy pair of leggings and one of his sweatshirts. 

“Take my hand. Take my whole heart too.” Your boyfriend’s broad arms wrap around your waist, hands finding purchase under the orange sweatshirt currently drowning your form, and you melt into his chest. “Because I can’t help, falling in love with you.” You turn around in his arms to steal a kiss, but as your lips attach to his a small laugh bubbles up from your stomach. 

“What are you giggling at?” Keishin eyes you curiously, and you start laughing even harder.

“Oh nothing, I was just thinking about the bloody nose you gave me when we first met.” You cackle at the memory and feel Keishin take an exasperated but amused sigh, joining your laughter with his own.

“First of all, Princess, you ran into me.”

all writing is dymphnasprose’s original content, please do not repost or modify. do no read my content as asmr.©️

[saturnsummer]

oh, how we’ve grown.

prompted by an anon from my ask here! 

notes: this was probably the fic that stumped me on so many occasions, since it was really bittersweet. editing, grammar and other mistakes will be taken responsible by me! it took me longer than expected and i’m not sure if everyone would be able to catch on how i interpreted the group’s futures and personalities! if anyone would like to know more, do dm me! as always, enjoy and thank you for the support and love!

original prompt: I think Joon Hwi and Sol A was already dating during their 3L (since Sol A looked so comfortable acting flirty and cute aroud Joon Hwi on their way to the old man's trial). Now I wonder what happen with them during time skip and by the ending, what stage of relationship they are in. Can you write a fic or headcanon ab that? Thank you! 🥰

words: 4373 words

it was finally the day of graduation.

joon hwi was beyond excited. he was nostalgic, sad and emotional, for sure. but after crying so many tears yesterday and the past week, he found it useless to cry any further. he lets the adrenaline set in for his new chapter lying ahead.

joon hwi was finally going to be a prosecutor.

his letter came in a few weeks after the bar exam. he counts himself lucky, being one of the students that helped to capture assemblyman ko, solve his uncle's murder, prove his professor's and his own innocence. all in his first year. it was no surprise that when he applied, they immediately wanted him. his grades were just the cherry on top to his stack of achievements. he was certainly overqualified for a guy who just passed the bar.

(well, he did pass the second round judicial exam.)

further than that, he was crowned valedictorian and was tasked to give a speech to his fellow batch mates. he had practiced his speech countless times, and he could recite it in his sleep by now. but he can’t quite place the feeling that he feels. his thoughts are all over and he can’t seem to keep his heart rate constant.

a knock on the door of his now empty dorm room distracts him from his thoughts. there, dressed in similar graduation robes, with long wavy brown hair is kang sol a, or to him, his kang sol. she walks in with a small smile on her face, but her smile fades away to a face of concern after studying his face. her eyes dart to the door, and she strides back to shut the door, giving him and her the privacy that he needs.

"what's troubling you?" she asks gently, taking his hand into hers. a quiet, simple gesture done by sol could soothe him so much. joon hwi is silent, not knowing why he’s so nervous. he’s done speeches and talked to crowds bigger than this. heck, he has testified for court. yet, the knot in his stomach refuses to cease.

“i don’t know… it’s nothing new, yet…” he trails off, avoiding his eyes with his girlfriend. his thoughts race through his head, but it leads back to his uncle, his samchoon, the man that brought him up: seo byungju.

“joon. joon, look at me.” sol brings a hand up to his cheek, gently raising it so it meets her eyes rather than the floor. joon hwi promised he wouldn’t be emotional today, yet he found his eyes glassy when he met sol’s eyes. as a tear slips, her fingers wipe it away gently.

“your uncle… he would be so proud of you to see the boy he raised achieve his dream.” sol says, a voice so quiet and soft, it seems to echo to joon hwi. she always knew what to say and always knew what was troubling him deep down, even if he denied it.

samchoon… are you proud of me?

“i’ll always be supporting you, like how your uncle did. when you’re on stage, if you feel intimidated, just look at my eyes, alright?” sol says, rubbing his cheek. he gives a small smile and nods slowly. taking his hand, sol intertwines it between her fingers, an action that he knows she only does when they are alone. an act so simple, yet his heart was so soothed by then.

joon hwi’s free hand reaches to the back of her head, as he lowers his slightly, so their forehead rest against each other. he breathes her perfume in, the one he bought for her a few months into their relationship, the one that she always wanted but could never buy. he takes slow breathes with her, her thumb rubbing his knuckle gently.

sol pulls away, much to joon hwi’s disappointment. he wanted her skin ship even more, just savouring her touch under his skin. sol notices his disappointment and only gives him a smile.

“they’re waiting for us. come, let’s go.” sol says softly, letting go of his hand after giving him a squeeze. he knows she hates being affectionate in public, even in front of their close friends. he gives her a quick peck on the top of her head before following behind her, walking to the lobby where they were.

“yah, hyung!” bokgi waved with enthusiasm, gathering the attention of the group. joonhwi maintains his composure and lets out a deep breath.

“nervous, hyung?” yebeom asks, his fingers fiddling.

“tch, it’s me. i’ll be fine.” joon hwi replies. it’s a half truth, now that sol is by his side.

“that’s why sol-noona had to find you, right?” bokgi teases, earning a nudge from yeseul. bokgi looks in mocked offence, but he recovers. everyone eyes at sol with prying eyes, the look of teasing on their faces. she takes this moment to shut her eyes, bring her hands up to face and shakes her head while sighing. these kids have literally nothing better to do than to just tease her and joon hwi.

“it’s time. you should go.” jiho says as he nods towards the lecture hall. the ceremony doesn’t start till half an hour later, but being valedictorian, he had preparations to do. they send joon hwi their last words of encouragement, but joon hwi was not going to leave unless he embarrassed his girlfriend a little longer.

his hand reaches up to sol’s hair, sweeping the curls behind her and cutely arranging her fringe the way she likes it. sol blushes as the group ‘ooh’ and ‘ahh’ in front of them. joon hwi knows she hates being so affectionate in front of her friends, but it’s always fun to tease. sol’s bright red and her face forms the smallest pout. joon hwi knows he’s achieved his mission.

“i’ll see you later.” he says with a wink and walks away, hearing the tease from yebeom and sol squeaking back.

when he’s on stage later, giving his speech, the words fall out of his mouth effortlessly. but the only thing that changes is that his eyes are fixed on the warm brown eyes of sol. as he addresses his late uncle at the end, he pauses and takes a deep breath. sol looks at him and gives him an encouraging nod. he ends his speech, eyes never once leaving her gaze, as the student body claps for him and he takes a bow.

one by one, the students are told to line up and take their certificates on stage from dean oh. she gives the seven graduates a knowing smile when they step on stage, knowing how much they’ve been through, after being swept up by their problems in their first and second years. even after all that, they managed to graduate with excellent results.

when they gather to take their photos (taken by seungjae, who decided to attend their graduation. it was the least he could do to show his support.), joon hwi swears he sees his uncle standing at the rock by the entrance of the school. he swears he sees the knowing silhouette of the tall man, grey hair and his metal spectacles. but what warms him the most is the smile of seo byung ju’s face and the slight nod.

yes, my boy. i’m so proud of you.

with that, joon hwi lets himself smile as seungjae snaps the camera.

(he doesn’t notice his blurred vision from his tears, but rather blames it on the sun hurting his eyes.)

-----

the group takes individual shots of themselves, even jiho and sol b are smiling when their photos are taken. sol doesn’t lose a chance to tease her roomie about her cute smile, one she only reserved for limited situations.

joon hwi watches as his friends spread out across the field to meet their family, sharing the good news of graduation and their new starting jobs. the smiles on the parent’s faces warms his heart deeply, somehow, even though he’s standing alone.

jiho was going to be a prosecutor with joon hwi in their new office. jiho could care less about joon hwi, but he can’t help but admit that it comforted him knowing a familiar face to be in his office in about two weeks. after all, they did share a room for three years.

sol b, against her mother’s wishes, has decided to take a gap year. her mother initially planned for her to continue her training, securing her route to being a judge. but sol b has had enough of her mother’s toxicity. as they went through therapy as a family, sol b had expressed as best as she could her need to discover what she wants for herself, not what her mother wants for her. what she will be doing in her gap year is still undecided, but she has chosen to move out for the time being.

yeseul was going to be in a firm that mostly did cases of women rights. while she initially was hesitant, bokgi encouraged her to take this opportunity, using her experience and her trial as a voice to the other victims. from time to time, she promised professor kim that she would come back to help at the legal clinic.

bokgi, on the other hand, had finally achieved his dream of being a human rights lawyer. while he was upset that he couldn’t work near yeseul, his spirits were immediately lifted when he heard that yebeom was going to be working just at the building across from him, another big law firm. (it was settled that as much as they went through, the bok-beom duo was never to be separated.)

sol, on the other hand, accepted her first job at attorney park’s firm, ironically. just when she had her first internship, she remembers screaming that she would never work with crooked lawyers like him. sol chose to work with him, as a return of the many favours she owes professor yang, starting with the one from high school. it was the most she could do for her role model.

joon hwi observes as he notices the proud faces of mothers, fathers, brothers and sisters, and spots the few sightings of grandparents. somehow, he can’t help but feel a little lonely. his parents, the two individuals he had a short-lived relationship with had long passed. his uncle, the closest thing he had to a father had too passed. he can’t even guess where his aunts or other distant relatives are. his distant relatives probably don’t remember him, and neither does joon hwi.

a small body crashing into him breaks his flow of thoughts, as he looks down to see who it is. byeol wraps her arms around joon hwi’s waist happily and joon hwi breaks into laughter, realising who it is and lifting her before spinning her. she’s giggling in a mess as joon hwi spots sol’s mother and her walking to them.

“ah, hello, mrs kang.” joon hoi greets with formality. sol’s mother playfully smacks his arm with a smile, clearly embarrassed from such formality.

“ah! how many times have i said to not call me that, joon hwi-ah! at this point, you should just call me halmeoni!” she says, earning a big laugh from joon hwi and sol’s face burning with embarrassment.

“umma! don’t say things like this!” sol squeaks back. joon hwi only smiles and insists to call her ‘mrs kang’. byeol is getting introduced to their friends as bokgi and yebeom play a game of tag with her. sol’s mother stands by sol, her hand on her back and her other rubbing joon hwi’s back.

“joon hwi-ah, i hope you know how proud i am of you. sol has told me your own fair share of troubles. i know... you don’t have much of a mother figure in your life, but as your girlfriend’s mother, i hope you know i treat you like my own.” sol’s mother comments to him, holding both his hands in her warm ones. “more than just tutoring my daughter and helping her, you got through your troubles on your own.” joon hwi can only smile as he suppresses the emotions.

“your parents must be so glad to have such a righteous son.”

joon hwi, for a moment, is reminded of his limited memories with his parents. he doesn't remember much, being so young when they died. but how his mother would teach him the importance of kindness and compassion. his father would teach him to be strong, to stand up for the bullies that picked on the poorer kids in his preschool.

hearing his girlfriend’s mother tell him that, he couldn’t help but just pull her into a warm hug. sol joins in from behind, enveloping them with a warm that joon hwi was unable to explain. burying his face into the older woman’s hair, he lets himself be a child, as she rubs his back and holds him lovingly.

for the first time in his life, he finally experiences the warmth of a mother’s hug.

-----

as the field starts clearing out, the seven graduates and seungjae are left behind. their families have gone home, leaving them on the field, laid down in a circle, heads together. there was just silence, as they breathed in the air of hankuk university once more.

once more, as students.

once more, as graduates.

once more, before they step into their next phase.

“i’ll really miss you guys.” sol says quietly. yeseul, lying next to her, nods, although no one can see.

“we’ll meet up. especially you, seungjae-hyung! don’t be shy to ask for babysitters!” bokgi announces, earning a smile from seungjae. they slowly got up from the grass, dusting off the dirt and making their way back once more to the university lobby.

this was the place where these eight students met, all with different objectives and from all walks of life. yet, as different as they are, they got along and went through hell together, for each other. the short lived three years were filled with so many troubles, yet they pulled through together.

truly, they were more than friends. they were family.

seungjae took his leave first, being the family man he was. yebeom had to rush to a family event, and yeseul was going to catch a meal with bokgi. (yeseul promised bokgi to give him a chance once they graduated, and so she kept her promise.) jiho and solb were silently headed off in the same direction with their only conversation being “i’ll drop you off” by jiho and solb nodding. (joon hwi and sol only eye them, making mental notes to tease their ex-roommates.)

“are you going home?” joon hwi asks as sol grabs her bag. after graduating, sol made the decision to move home for the time being, to pay off her loans and support her family and ease her mother of some financial burden. joon hwi has opted many times to help, even wanting to pay off her loans. he had no loans, and after he sold his uncle’s mansion, he had a huge sum of money along with the inheritance. but sol couldn’t do it, she needed to work for this herself.

“yeah. i promised byeol i’ll help her with her work and catch a movie with her too. it’s been long since i could just spend time with her.” sol says. the lobby was now empty, with a few students walking in and out. sol looks at the lady justice statue, almost reminded of the many times she stared at it to remind herself of why she chose law. why she chose this profession.

together, they walk out, holding hands for the first time openly in their school. they were no longer students, and there was no point hiding from others anymore. she was just kang sol; he was just han joon hwi. no more ‘second round judicial pass’, no more ‘uncle killing nephew’, no more ‘klutz’, no more ‘twin failure’. just them.

joon hwi takes the bus to sol’s home, still in the ground floor apartment by an alley. sol’s mother invites him in, but he quickly declines, saying he needs to run some errands back at his own apartment. well, it wasn’t a lie. he just shifted in and he certainly had to clean and unpack.

when the apartment is packed with law books stacked neatly in his bookcase, the floor dusted and mopped, furniture clean and the fridge stocked with fresh groceries, he picks his phone to find seungjae sending the group their photos. there’s numerous comments on how yebeom is already missing us, and even jiho gives a ‘tch’ as a reply in the chat. he notices an unread text from his professor and opens the chat box.

you’re on my speed dial for cases. don’t ignore me.

joon hwi scoffs. he sets his phone aside as he flops back on his bed, for the first time processing all that has happened.

he can’t wait for the future.

(on his wall, he hangs a childhood photo of him and his uncle. on the frame, it has a tag with his daily reminder to judge fairly, and to make sure no one suffers unjustly.)

-----

the next few years for joonhwi are an adventure. his experience in the prosecution office is busy and stressful, but with jiho working just next door, he finds comfort in having him by his side. he battles many cases, slowly but surely, making a name for himself. instead of being known as the man that solved his uncle’s murder, he was now known as the prosecutor that never loses.

the study group kept in touch, meeting every two weeks for dinner at a barbecue place. somedays, they drank. on others, they just chatted and kept the plates of pork coming. seungjae did his best to join, but with his toddler kid, things were difficult.

seungjae took a year after his hearing to be with his wife, and take care of her during her pregnancy. he then decided to work as a forensic examiner. if he couldn't practice law and help people with it, the least he could was to uphold it and enforce it. his job was new and interesting, but he humbled himself to push through his training. he meets the group when they are dealing with criminal cases and helps them out as best he can.

the study group also took turns meeting his kid, and would always love babysitting. sol, as expected, was the best with chaotic duo bokgi and yebeom. instead of dinners some nights, they met at his house to catch up with him and spoil his kid. (seungjae couldn’t stop it. when the kid was born, he immediately gained 7 new aunts and uncles, ready to spoil and pamper him.)

his relationship with sol grew as well. working such long working days was tough, but they tried their best. sol would sometimes deliver homemade stews to his apartment and joon hwi would deliver jjajamyeon with her extra pickles on some nights. they met on the weekends, where they would just go to the park and take strolls or hole up in joon hwi’s apartment to work on their cases together.

sol was doing exceptionally well as a new attorney, almost successfully appealing to all her clients. her clients love her, not only for winning, but for always being so caring to them. many say she still keeps in contact with some clients, even after the case has been closed. while she thinks it is no big deal, sol’s career was climbing up. her loans were fully paid, and she has begun looking into apartments for her family and her to shift out of. that alley brought too much danger, especially with byeol growing into a teenager and her mother’s joints weakening.

sol b took that gap year to work at an administrative office at a law firm, before deciding to continue her law career to gain experience before moving forward to be a judge. throughout the gap year, she split her time on herself and therapy, as well as on her study group. she found herself wanting to be a judge, not for her mother, but for herself.

jiho and sol b also started dating each other shortly after they graduated, when joon hwi spotted sol b and jiho holding hands when he was leaving his office. they only told the group a few months later. but of course, everyone knew by then. ever since then, they caught sol b and jiho smiling a bit more, even if their smiles were just the slight curl at the corner of the lips.

yebeom was doing well in his law firm, handling mostly small cases, but he was content since he had a fun time handling the many cases and making visits to meet clients instead of being stuck in the office. bokgi was a human rights lawyer, with most of his cases about the discrimination of citizens in any aspect. he fought for the rights of those of different sexual orientations, races and religions and was extremely happy being able to do that.

yeseul was defending women of all walks of life, from their unequal treatment to domestic abuse. she was passionate and has made headlines a few times over the years when she chose to speak out about her story. she was well known in this area, being the first few lawyers to be a victim of domestic abuse and defending them. she also kept in contact with professor kim and made regular visits at the legal clinic.

bokgi and her only started dating a year after the graduated. bokgi respected the reasons and her space and yeseul found herself falling in love with him. after all, he stood by her all this while for the whole three years and have seen her at her worst. more than that, he treated her with respect and loved her equally, even after all that.

one day, as joon hwi and sol spent their day on the sofa at joon hwi’s apartment, joon hwi was nervous to ask this question. sol was busy looking at different apartment listings.

“sol, can i ask you something?” joon hwi asks, grabbing her hand. sol nodded, eyes still focussed on her screen.

“would you... would you want to move in with me?” sol’s hand stops scrolling as the words sink in and she slowly faces her boyfriend.

“i... i don’t know. i mean, byeol and umma will be left alone, right?” sol says, her voice quiet and soft.

“we can live near them. i think the lease of the apartment is ending soon, anyways.” joon squeezes her hand.

“but... i don’t know if i have enough money to get an apartment for them and us. joon, i really want to, i really do. but...” sol’s eyes are uncertain, and joon hwi sees her eyes guilty, almost like she feels bad for saying that.

“we can get the apartment in instalments. you can buy one for your mom and byeol first and we will slowly pay for ours.” he says. placing a finger under her chin, he raises it so her eyes meet hers. “sol, they are going to be alright on their own.”

sol nods her head and reaches up to pull her boyfriend’s face to hers, letting their lips connect. his lips are soft against hers, as she taste the slight coffee taste from his mug. it’s almost frenzy, from what started as a simple kiss lead to a fight for dominance. without knowing, sol is straddling joon hwi, as his hands pull back her long hair.

when they pull away, he feels her hot breath on his face, and her face burning red, embarrassed at how she acted.

“should we get back to looking at apartments?” joon hwi asks, a small smile on his face, ultimately an act of tease to her. she quickly nods and climbs off of him as they look at apartments together. joon hwi gives her a knowing smirk, before sol swats his arm and they resume scrolling.

and it was true, when professor yang had him on speed dial.

he was just about to leave for a coffee and bother jiho for a bit at his office one day, when a call came in from professor yang.

“han joon hwi.”

“professor.”

“you’re needed, now. meet me at hankuk university in thirty minutes.” and the call disengages. it was a habit of his professor’s, to give blunt replies and just cut off without saying goodbye. he slips on his blazer and grabs his briefcase before picking up the call from sol instinctively. so much for listening to orders, even though he wasn’t a student anymore.

“called you too?” he asks once he picks up, scribbling on a post it note, noting his early leave from the office.

“what else? gosh, i really hate it when he hangs up like that.” sol replies, a twinge of annoyance in her voice.

“i’ll pick you.” joon hwi says, as he leaves his office, then knocks on jiho’s door. jiho’s head pops up from his laptop, before nodding in acknowledgement.

“no, don’t bother. i’ve already caught the train.” sol replies and joon hwi hears the familiar beeping of train doors. sol knows she’s got to hang up soon, if she doesn’t want to irritate other commenters on the train.

“love you.” he says back. sol’s face is blushing red, but she’s lucky everyone on the train was busy on their phone.

“i love you too.” she whispers before hanging up and storing her phone away in her handbag.

when they meet at the doors of hankuk university each time they are called in for a case, they can’t help but to think of how far they’ve come. sol, the girl with bad grades and on a scholarship. joon hwi, the top student with a hidden secret. yet in a matter of years, they blossomed together with their friends on their routes.

professor yang is by the lady justice statue, and when he looks up to see his students stroll in with authority and confidence, he gives a knowing smile.

shall we start?

[keanureevesisbae]

But professor... - c.1

Summary: Penny Townsend is going to attend her first criminology class. What she didn’t expect was professor Walter Marshall.

Professor!Walter Marshall x Penny Townsend (Asian ofc)

Wordcount: 3.3k

Warnings: Mentions of murder and blood

A/N: I hope you enjoy this Professor!AU -- can you imagine? Walter Marshall as a professor? 🤤

Masterlist // But professor... masterlist // Next chapter

✎ ✎ ✎

My parents hoped that I would become a doctor. I get it—being friends with a lot of successful parents with equally successful children, must’ve raised their standard for me. They however must’ve known that medicine wasn’t it for me and going to law school isn’t my forte either. It must’ve been hard on them, knowing I wasn’t that intellectually gifted, though they tried their best for me to be.

They did a lot for me. At the ripe age of two to five hours, I was placed at the entrance of a church in Maryland. The pastor and his wife discovered me and brought me to the hospital, only to found out I wasn’t just a couple weeks premature, but also had a lot of heroin in my system.

My birth parents barely gave me a chance the second I was born (probably when I was conceived, but okay) and that is why I am so grateful that my adoptive parents care so much about me.

And that’s why I want to make them proud and studying psychology is my best chance at being the successful daughter they deserve, but man does it feel wrong to be here. I know there is another student out there who deserves to be here, who actually wants to do this, yet here I am taking their place.

Psychology wasn’t the greatest choice already, but having to take criminology was an even bigger mistake. I walk into the lecture hall for the first criminology class. My hands shake because of the nerves, they’re even clammy. I’m not good at making friends, so seeing those cliques that has formed after only two weeks of university, makes me slightly jealous and really alone.

I never really fitted in. My teachers would describe me as a sweet young girl, who is painfully shy.

That, of course, is if they even noticed me at all.

It can be hard to fit in, especially when you feel out of place the second you enter a room, like I have felt since I can remember.

‘Take a seat,’ I hear a deep voice say and I look up, to meet the eyes of the professor. He is unlike all of my other professors. He isn’t in a suit or at least some decent slacks. His denim jeans hugs his thick thighs, as he wears a sweater on top. His curls are disheveled and slightly frizzy and his beard is asymmetrical. A deep frown in between his brows.

‘Me?’ I ask in a soft tone.

He nods. ‘You,’ he confirms.

I walk passed him to choose a seat in the back. I take place and look around me, only to meet the eyes of the professor again. While I wonder what made him choose teaching, since he doesn’t look like someone who was born to teach, I also ponder about the fact he is looking at me again.

Why would he do that?

I grab my laptop and open it, opening a new document. I’ve been going to NYU for two weeks now, yet this is my first criminology class. I run my fingers through my hair, pushing up the glasses on my nose bridge.

‘Okay everyone,’ I hear the professor say, when it’s time for the class to start. ‘There is a sheet going around. Find the spot you’re sitting now and write down your name. If I find out you are messing with me, you have failed your class immediately.’

He is not beating around the bush.

‘I’m detective Walter Marshall. I have worked for the MPD, the Minneapolis Police Department. For this semester there are three subjects we’ll cover. Victimology, crime analysis and the psychology of criminal behavior.’

This is not at all what I want to learn. This is too gore for me. I should’ve stood up to my parents and go to cosmetology school like I originally wanted. It’s better for me anyways.

I’m so stupid.

The paper ends up on my table and I try to find my place on it. I write down ‘Penelope Townsend’ and slide it to the person two tables over. Professor Marshall explains how we have a weekly lecture of two hours and how he is available for questions every Friday, since he’ll be in his office.

‘Does anyone have any questions?’

A guy raises his hand. ‘Why aren’t you working for the MPD anymore, sir?’

Professor Marshall sits on the edge of his desk, crossing his muscular arms in front of his chest. ‘I was put on leave.’

‘Why?’

‘There were some issues,’ he says. ‘Between me and suspects.’

I have no idea what he is implying, but the silence in the classroom is so thick, that I have a clue what types of issues came with said suspects.

‘Really?’ the guy asks.

The professor only raises his eyebrows, which obviously means he isn’t joking. You don’t need to have studied Psychology to figure that out. ‘Any more questions?

‘Do we work in pairs for the assignment?’ a girl asks.

He shakes his head. ‘No, individual works only.’

I let out a sigh of relief. Thank the stars, I don’t want to work with others. Really, I don’t.

‘Okay, if that’s all, let me start right away. What do these women have in common?’ He presses a button on his presenter and the screen behind him changes. Three pictures of women appear on the screen. It’s their driver’s license photo.

‘They’re women,’ a guy says, causing a few to laugh.

Professor Marshall grabs the paper with names and says: ‘Does anyone have something less obvious to comment than mister Fitzgerald?’ He seems not amused at all by the words of Fitzgerald.

‘Brown hair, blue eyes,’ a girl says.

He nods. ‘And?’

‘They’re pretty,’ another girl says.

‘Beauty is in the eye of the beholder,’ he notes. His eyes scan the paper and he looks up. ‘Miss Townsend, do you have something to add?’

Our eyes meet again and I realize that I’m the only miss Townsend in the class. I clear my throat and look at the pictures. Say something smart, Penny. Say something intelligent. Really intelligent.

The obvious things have already been said, so I should stay away from those things.

I swallow hard, press my glasses better on my nose and say: ‘Their left eyelid is slightly droopy.’

I hear some people chuckle a bit, making me feel everything but intelligent.

‘Quiet,’ professor Marshall says and the chuckles die down instantly. ‘Their droopy left eyelid is what made them appealing to the killer.’ He looks up from the other side of class, right at me. His slightly annoyed gaze dissolves for a few moments into a soft one. ‘Miss Townsend made an excellent point here. It took an entire police department to come to that conclusion over the course of two months.’

Oh my goodness, I made an excellent point.

The slides change and I see another picture. This time it’s of a man. It’s a mugshot. I bet he is the killer.

‘Miss Townsend, since you are on a roll,’ the professor continues and I nearly groan. Really? He wants me to answer another questions? ‘What’s do you notice about this man?’

I scan his entire face. He has a crooked nose, blemishes on his forehead and thin lips. He looks like a killer. This would be the type of man I would avoid if I came across him.

‘His left eyelid is also droopy,’ I say.

Is that a tiny smirk on his lips? ‘Correct.’ While professor Marshall continues to explain about how his own appearance is unknowingly influencing his choice of victims, I can’t help but beam a little with pride. ‘Because,’ he continues, ‘if you understand your victims, you can understand your killer.’ The slideshow changes to one word. ‘Welcome to victimology.’

✎ ✎ ✎

Time spend in a lecture hall while professor Marshall teaches flies by. Though he is a bit grumpy and not very welcoming, he is interesting and smart. Much better than my other teachers. I put everything in my backpack, before I get up from my seat. I’m one of the last students to leave the place, mostly because I don’t want to be swarmed by the cliques.

‘Miss Townsend,’ professor Marshall says, causing me to stop misstep as I already passed him.

I turn around. ‘Yes?’ I ask.

He doesn’t look up from his notes. ‘You did well in class today.’

Is this man giving me a compliment? He might be the first one in a teacher like position to ever notice me, let alone give me a compliment. ‘I did?’

‘Yeah,’ he says, now looking up from his notes. ‘Don’t hesitate to say something in class next time. You have great insight.’

‘Or just luck,’ I say.

Professor Marshall shakes his head. ‘No, this isn’t about luck, this is good insight. So, can you promise me to raise your hand next class?’

I bite my lip, before shaking my head. ‘No, I can’t.’

‘Why can’t you?’

‘What I said: this was luck and it probably won’t happen again. I have to go. I reserved a spot at the library. If that is all, sir?’

He doesn’t say anything, simply looks at me. It takes a second, maybe two before he nods. ‘If you have questions,’ he says, ‘you know how to contact me.’

I nod, before I walk out of the hall. I see students gathering in front of the door and I quickly slip through them and make my way to the library. I’ve been going to classes for around two weeks now and I’m still up to date as we speak. I decide to at least make a beginning with the assignments of my criminology class, because the sooner I start, the less work and stress I’ll experience later on, because I most definitely will stress about it.

It’s been quite awhile since I opened a book for school for assignments or preparing for exams. After high school, I decided to take a gap year, which ended in two. I’ve traveled with all sorts of groups to different countries, worked at an international cafe in Japan for awhile. It did help me with my social skills. I was happy, social and totally in my element. Those wonderful skills were all forgotten the second I stepped foot back in the USA again.

It was my parents that pushed for going back to college and once they figured out that medicine or law wasn’t up my alley, they agreed psychology, though it wasn’t my thing either.

It’s okay, sure, but… Gosh, I miss the freedom I had during the gap years. I’m not stupid, but is the academical life for me? I have looked at cosmetology school and boy do I wish I was there at the moment.

And not here.

✎ ✎ ✎

I don’t know how long I have been at the library, but my eyes are tired by the time I close my laptop. Besides working on my assignment, I also texted my parents to tell them everything is going fine and checked out multiple cosmetology schools here in the area.

Originally I’m from Maryland, meaning it’s only a three hour drive to see my parents and for them to check in on me. I considered lying about my major, about attending NYU and just go to cosmetology school, but mom and dad are paying my tuition, which is another loophole in my plan.

I put the laptop in my backpack and walk out of the library. Every second my mind wasn’t occupied with university related things, it went straight back to my first criminology class, more specifically my professor. His words. It’s one thing he said those things to me, but another that he looked so handsome while saying it.

‘There she is,’ I hear from behind me as I walk through the hallways to the exit. I turn around to discover it’s Fitzgerald. I forgot his first name, which is weird since we share a lot of the same classes together. He isn’t easy to miss. Pleasant on the eyes, that’s for sure, but he is loud, thinks he is hilarious and that makes him kinda annoying. ‘Miss Townsend,’ he says in a mocking tone.

Okay, change kinda annoying to absolutely insufferable.

‘Hm?’

Fitzgerald walks next to me and he comes a lot closer than I prefer. ‘You’re already the teacher’s pet,’ he continues. ‘Bet the man has a thing for Asian chicks.’

I have no idea how to respond to that implication. My instinct says to get out of here, but the exit is right ahead of me and from the looks of it, Fitzgerald is going there as well. So there is no escape.

‘But let’s say it’s beginners luck,’ he says, ‘because it was actually the first time I heard you speak.’

‘You mind leaving me alone?’ I ask.

‘Why is that, sugar boo?’

Okay, now I’m gonna vomit. Goosebumps run over my spine and the hairs in my neck are standing straight up. I bet this guy’s dad is rich, therefore the only reason he is here. ‘I don’t want you here.’

‘You don’t want me here?’ He starts to chuckle. ‘Sweetheart, everyone wants me here.’

Not me.

‘Fitzgerald, are you deaf?’

It’s professor Marshall.

His eyes enlarge when he realizes that too. ‘No, sir,’ he quickly says.

‘She said she doesn’t want you here.’ He stands in front of the two of us, looking everything but amused. ‘You know, back when I was working, I encountered a lot of guys like you. Did you know they usually peak in high school, do okay in college, but the second they end up locked up in jail—and I promise you, they most often will—they aren’t so tough anymore. They usually end up as someone’s bitch.’

To hear this entire monologue and the word bitch from a professor, was not at all what I was expecting. Fitzgerald’s face is drained from all its color. While Fitzgerald looks like he shat himself, I am utterly amazed. I wish I was this intimidating, I think to myself.

Fitzgerald clears his throat, eyes darting around the hallway, almost as if he is trying to find the closest exit. He shoots out of this place very quickly, meaning I’m left with only our professor.

‘Thank you, sir,’ I say.

Professor Marshall simply nods. ‘You know, if you lowered your shoulders, you’d appear more confident.’

Why do I feel so offended? ‘Oh…’

‘It’s advice, miss Townsend, not criticism.’

‘Oh,’ I say again, this time in a whisper like tone. He could’ve brought it up a bit nicer though. No need to hurt my feelings like that.

Professor Marshall and I both walk towards the exit and I notice it’s raining. Great, guess who didn’t bring her umbrella and also isn’t wearing a jacket with a hood?

Absolutely fantastic.

‘Here,’ the professor says, holding out his umbrella for me.

Is this truly happening? ‘Oh, sir, that’s not necessary.’

‘I insist.’

With some hesitation I grab the umbrella from him and smile. ‘Thank you, professor.’

He politely nods and walks off, leaving me with the umbrella and a little bit confused. Though he looks so handsome and slightly intimidating, he still is nice to me. The only teacher ever. Maybe Fitzgerald is right and—

No, no, no, don’t think like that. It’s not that every man who is nice to me all of the sudden has this fetish. That can’t be it, right?

Maybe, despite my aversion, I am actually good at the whole criminology thing and isn’t it a one time thing. Luck. Maybe I do have something I am good at.

✎ ✎ ✎

That Friday I am still on campus after I spend my entire afternoon in the library. Since I have a question about the criminology assignment, I decide walk to the office of professor Marshall. To kill two birds with one stone, I brought his umbrella with me so I can give it back. I knock on the door and hear a low: ‘Come in.’

I open the door and am met with the professor, who is sitting behind is desk. ‘Sir, I have a question about the assignment.’

He leans back in his chair and gestures me to come in. I close the door behind me and expect to sit, until I notice there isn’t a chair anywhere for me to sit on. How unwelcome of him, I think to myself. Does that mean I have to remain standing?

‘What’s your question, miss Townsend?’

‘I didn’t know which format I had to use for the entire assignment. It’s not really that big of a deal, but I was here in the building and I thought that I could…’ Nice way of getting off track, Penny. As they said in high school musical: ‘Get’cha your head in the game’ and this is  not the game. ‘Never mind. Which format should I use?’

‘That’s up to you,’ he says.

That’s it? That’s the answer he is gonna give me?

‘Right,’ I mumble.

‘Other questions, miss Townsend?’

Yes. I let out a deep sigh. ‘The assignment is just harder than I thought,’ I admit. ‘I don’t really understand it.’

Professor Marshall stands up and holds out his hand. ‘Sit, I’ll try to explain it.’

‘In your chair?’

He simply nods and I walk around the desk, to take a seat, while he leans against the windowsill. Oh, the leather is warm… What a body heat does this man produce. ‘Okay, the point of the assignment is to use some of the example files of—staged—murders. Based on the file you choose, you choose a format. You write out the victimology, try to narrate who the killer is, writing down all your findings and there are things I’m gonna talk about in next classes.’

I nod. ‘That makes it easier, thank you, sir.’

‘You’re already working on the assignment?’ he asks. Why does he sound genuinely surprised?

I nod again. ‘I am. I find it easier to work a bit every day, than to cram it all in one day.’ I realize how that sounds. ‘That sounds dorky.’

‘It doesn’t really. It’s a whole lot better than what I did back in the days,’ he says. ‘What did you think of the class?’

Is he asking for my opinion? ‘Your class was very interesting. Slightly morbid though, but fascinating.’

‘Morbid?’ the professor asks. ‘There was nothing morbid about my class.’

I scrunch up my nose. ‘It was kinda scary. With the blood patterns and all. The peek into the murderer’s mind?’ I shiver. ‘Don’t know, felt too personal and too much into the killer’s brain.’

‘The class you’re taking is criminology,’ he says, ‘you should’ve known.’

I shrug, not knowing what to say to him. He is right…

‘Miss Townsend—’

‘Penny,’ I say. ‘It’s Penny. Penelope officially, but people barely call me that.’ People barely call out for me ever, but that’s a different topic. Total different topic.

‘Penny,’ he says, ‘could’ve known.’

I don’t know what he is implying, but I realize I am totally overstaying. ‘I’m sorry, I should go. Thanks for helping me out. Oh, I brought you back your umbrella. I don’t need it anyways.’

Professor Marshall nods. ‘Okay.’

‘I should go. It’s getting kinda dark already.’

‘Let me guess, you don’t do well in the dark.’

I smile almost out of guilt. ‘That obvious?’

For a brief moment I spot a smirk on his face. ‘I’m a detective, I spot these things.’

Okay, not gonna lie, but that’s pretty funny. ‘See you next class, professor,’ I say, standing up from his chair and I walk towards the door.

‘See you next class, Penny.’

[five-rivers]

Danger First

Chapter 7

@pocketramblr

.

"Hey, Midoriya?" asked Uraraka, after Aizawa passed out a costume revision assignment and feigned passing out.

"Yes?" said Midoriya, knowing that his eyes were preturnaturally wide and fine tremors were running through his body. He was a wreck.

"Are you okay? Why did you come to class with Mr. Aizawa?"

"And what's that you're holding onto?" asked Kaminari.

"Um," said Izuku. "I was sort of... abducted by the support department? But in a nice way... And they gave me this grappling hook."

"Wow, cool! I didn't know we could get stuff like that from the support department."

"You should really read the student handbook, Kaminari," said Iida, pushing up his glasses.

"But it's so long!"

Iida tsked and adjusted his glasses more vigorously. "You're a student! You should at least be familiar with what is expected of you! Speaking of which, Midoriya, do you know how to use that?"

As much as he could learn from a ten-minute crash-course. "... yes," said Izuku, but it was clear from Iida's face that he had hesitated too long.

"Midoriya! You shouldn't have something like that in the classroom without knowing how to use it!" Iida half stood up, and Izuku clutched the grappling hook closer to his chest.

"No! Mine!" Maybe he was too attached to something he'd only had for a little over an hour, but the support department hadn't been able to give him any smoke bombs or flash grenades due to 'new school regulations regarding explosives' and he'd gone through a lot this morning.

Distress washed over Iida's face, and Izuku wondered if he'd accidentally smacked into some old trauma.

"I wasn't going to take it!" he said, earnestly waving his hands. "I just wanted to make sure you knew where the safety-"

The door to the classroom slammed open. "Is that my little brother I hear?" asked a beaming man in a track suit. Without waiting for an answer, he bounded over to where Iida was sitting and clapped him on the back. "I have come to embarrass you horribly!"

From the expression on Iida's face, this venture was doomed to failure. "I thought you were joking when you said you'd see me today!" exclaimed Iida, beaming.

"Why... why would I joke about that?"

"You joke about a lot of things. Like knowing vigila-"

"Okay! Yes, haha, funny jokester, that's me! Now why don't you introduce me to your classmates?"

"Of course! I have been remiss in my duties as vice president." He stood and executed a ninety-degree bow. "Forgive me! This is my brother, Iida Tensei! Also known as the pro hero Ingenium!"

Izuku could almost see his classmates start to put together the puzzle pieces of Chibiida and extremely tall older brother. He was more concerned about whether or not it would be rude to ask Ingenium for his autograph... and to check his analysis page on Ingenium...

"That's me! And I'll be your special guest TA today! Now, where's Aizawa? You're supposed to have him for homeroom, right?"

As one, the class pointed to the giant yellow caterpillar in the corner of the room.

"Oh my gosh, Shouta, I thought you were joking-"

.

Ingenium was, to put it in a single word, cool. To put it in two words, he was unbelievably cool. So cool Izuku was almost able to forget the impending field-trip-related DOOM they were all facing.

But not quite.

So Izuku slogged through his classes, still thrilled to be there and waning to do his best, but unable to truly focus past the crushing weight of what might happen. His classmates and maybe-friends hovered at the periphery of his suffering, clearly wanting to help, but just as clearly unsure how, or what lines they could or couldn't cross, leading them to resort to painfully awkward normal small talk.

Until they sat down for lunch, that is, by which time Monoma and Iida had gotten into a conversational spiral about how amazing UA was, how awesome Ingenium was, and how UA was truly superior for being able to have pro-heroes like Ingenium come in as TAs on such short notice.

"Midoriya," said Uraraka, startling him out of his fourth or fifth 'Kacchan sweep.'

(It was still possible that his bad feeling was related to Kacchan hunting him down and blowing him up. He'd be mortified about making such a big deal over it if that was the case, but it would be preferable to, say, a terrorist attack.)

(Why did he keep coming back to terrorist attacks?)

"Are you... okay? You've just seemed really down today, and-"

"Invisible hug!" shouted Hagakure before grabbing Izuku and lifting him over her head.

There was a beat of whispering near-silence. Then Uraraka stood up, slamming both hands on the table and inadvertently making it float. "You have got to tell me your work out routine!"

Izuku agreed.

("Strawberry," someone whispered.)

.

"I generally say what's on my mind," said Asui as the Iidas had radically different reactions to the bus seating arrangement.

"Aha," said Izuku. The swaying of the bus plus the strain of probably-Danger-Sense was making him nauseous. "What is it, Asui?'

"Call me Tsuyu."

The first time a person his age let him call them by name since kindergarten, and he couldn't properly appreciate it. Figured.

"I was watching the videos of the battle trials I missed last night," Tsuyu continued, "and I realized, I don't think any of us know what your quirk is."

Izuku's first impulse was to lie or redirect the conversation. Years of quirklessness had left their mark. But on second consideration... was there really a reason to lie? He wasn't going to talk about One for All, obviously, but the rest of it was harmless and bound to come out eventually anyway.

"Well," said Izuku, adjusting the fit of his air filter self-consciously. "That's a good question, actually."

"If you're keeping it a secret, I won't press."

"No, no, that isn't it!" Yes, it was. "It's just that, um, it's really subtle? As in, so subtle I thought I was quirkless until recently. Haha."

"Oh, wow," said Kirishima, "that must have been hard. I mean, I got teased for having a boring quirk, I can't even imagine-"

"Your quirk isn't boring! It's more than enough to be a pro!"

"But what is your quirk?" asked Monoma.

"Um," said Izuku, "well, we're not entirely sure, but... We think it lets me sense things that are dangerous? But I've also got anxiety, so..."

Monoma was frowning, but before he could speak, one of Hagakure's gloves waved frantically in front of his face.

"Is that how you knew I was there?" she asked. "In the battle trial and the entrance exam?"

"Maybe? I think so?"

"You were kind of anxious this morning," said Uraraka, concerned. "Did something bad happen to you?"

"Not- not yet," said Izuku, weakly. "It- We still don't really know how it works, so it could just be the anxiety..." He trailed off. Everyone was kind of staring at him. He pressed back against his seat, wishing there was somewhere to hide.

"Well!" said Uraraka, suddenly pumped up. "We'll just have to keep an eye out! We're hero students, aren't we?"

There was a general cheer of consensus and Izuku managed a shaky smile. So, this was what it was like to have friends.

Eventually, Mr. Aizawa told them to calm down, but there was no heat in the scolding. Maybe, Izuku thought, past the ever-increasing buzzing in his head, today would be okay after all.

.

"Yeah," said Hikage, "there's really no chance of that."

.

The Unforeseen Simulation Joint was an incredible space!

Space Hero Thirteen was about a thousand times cooler in person than on TV!

All Might, in his golden age rescue-specialized costume, looked like he'd just stepped off the pages of a comic book!

But just like Tsuyu's name, Izuku didn't have the ability to appreciate it.

As the other students marveled over the USJ, Izuku watched the adults quietly talk to one another. It seemed to be something serious.

.

"Did you find anything else with the safety checks?" asked Shouta.

"A few of the areas had the difficulty set too high- apparently some of the third-years decided to get some practice in and their supervisor didn't reset everything. Other than that? Nothing." Thirteen shook their head. "No signs of structural failure, no security gaps. Everything seems, well, normal."

"Well," said All Might, "whatever happens, we're prepared!"

Aizawa seriously doubted they were prepared for anything, but the most obvious, most likely things? Yeah.

"What do you think, Ingenium?" he asked.

"Everything looks fine to me," said Tensei, shrugging. "But if it was something obvious, then it wouldn't be so much of a threat, right?"

"We're still not sure how Midoriya's quirk really works," said Shouta. "It could be a threat just to him." He sighed heavily.

Tensei smiled in a way that just about guaranteed Shouta would be teased about this later.

"Well, I'm going to start my speech now!" said Thirteen giving the others a thumbs up. "Wish me luck!"

.

As soon as Thirteen finished their (surprisingly moving) speech, all of Izuku's attention zeroed in on the air next to the fountain. A swirl of dark mist appeared next to it.

Izuku felt like he couldn't breathe.

"Mr. Aizawa-!" But he was already looking in that direction, already watching the man made covered in emerge from the dark hole, followed by a veritable horde of villains.

And Izuku didn't use the term villain idly here. Several of the people he saw were on wanted lists.

Ironically, now that he was faced with real danger, the panicked siren in his head eased off slightly. Evidently, at least some of the strain had been fear of the unknown, and now the threat was very, very known in the worst way, that particular stressor was gone.

"There he is!" cried the man covered in hands. "All Might! The one we've all come for! Nomu! Get him!"

A large villain with an exposed brain who practically sang with danger charged All Might, who grabbed him by the wrist and flung him away, towards the landslide zone. "Ha! That's not much of a challenge! You'll have to do better than that, villains!"

"Maybe," said a villain made of the same mist as the portal that had brought the others. The large villain came charging out of the landslide zone, none the worse for wear. "Maybe not."

"You might be an elite player, but can you fight the boss and protect the noobs you're powerleveling?"

The other villains surged forwards.

This is when Mr. Aizawa and Ingenium jumped into the fray, and everything immediately got more chaotic. Izuku rapidly lost track of the multiple battles occurring around him - except, wow, Mr. Aizawa was really mowing through villains, wasn't he - that Nomu guy had to have a regeneration quirk, there was just no way - he'd have to write down that villain's monolog as soon as they got out, it might have clues - Izuku had no idea that Ingenium could fly and wow that gave him some ideas for Iida-

Speaking of Iida-

"This is no time for analysis! Hurry up and evacuate!"

Right.

"I won't allow that."

Yeah the misty villain definitely had some kind of teleportation quirk, which made this whole thing even more gutsy. Quirks like that were always monitored by the government. These guys must not care about their identities.

"Greetings," he said, a metal colar slipping into place around his neck. "We are the League of Villains. Forgive our audacity, but... today we've come to-"

A gust of air from All Might's fight pushed the mist villain back. But the move had left him partially unguarded, and Izuku watched helplessly as Nomu pounded a fist into his exposed side-

Nomu knew about All Might's injury.

Oh, no.

Izuku didn't have time to process that, however, as Kirishima and Monoma jumped forward, attacking the mist villain.

The feeling of danger spiked, and Izuku barely registered Monoma's bewildered expression.

"Only students... but the best of the best... yes he was right to say you'd be a threat." Darkness spread like an ink stain from the villain's body. Darkness... and portals.

Izuku slammed into Tsuyu and Kaminari, pushing them out of the way of forming portals. He wasn't able to do the same for himself.

"Begone," intoned the mist villain, his voice echoing all around Izuku. "Writhe in torment until you breathe your last."

The next thing Izuku knew, he was in clear light and falling. From at least two stories up, over the flood zone.

And then he stopped.

.

The ghosts whipped their heads around to stare at Nana. She was sitting on a stool, hiding her face in her hands, though whether it was out of embarrassment or fear for Izuku was unclear.

"Nana..." said Yoichi, softly.

"I know, I know, I'm sorry I saw him falling and pani-"

"What did you do that for!" exclaimed Banjo. "He was only fifteen, twenty meters up! Into water!"

"That's twice as high as Olympic divers go! And they screw up their bodies all the time if they hit wrong!" shot back Nana, other emotions abandoned in favor of rage.

"Uh, guys...?" said Yoichi, weakly.

"Who still watches the Olympics?" muttered En.

"If we had to give him a new quirk, it should have been a combat one!"

"You're just jealous that he has Float and not Blackwhip!"

"So what if I am?" demanded Banjo. "If he had Blackwhip, he wouldn't need that stupid grappling hook gun!"

"So, you admit Blackwhip is just a glorified grappling hook?"

"Better than a glorified- glorified-" He puffed out his cheeks. "I'm going to give him Blackwhip right now!"

"NO!" shouted the other ghosts.

"Banjo," said En, "what do you remember about people who All for One gave three quirks to?"

Banjo went pale.

"Oh, hell," said Banjo. "I'm sorry, I got carried away."

"You can say that again," grumbled Nana.

"But," continued Banjo, "doesn't this mean we can't give him the stockpile?"

They turned to Yoichi, who was far and away the expert on the stockpile quirk. He held up his hands and offered a sick, shaky smile. "We've already started the process of giving him stockpile access. There's... there's really no way to stop it."

Nana started swearing, and even Second and Third looked tense.

"But that's borrowing trouble! Maybe he'll be compatable?"

"With three quirks?"

"It's possible!" protested Yoichi. "I mean, he's- um, he's got One for All? Maybe it's more like All for One than we thought?"

"Disgusting."

"No."

"Absolutely not."

"Never say that again."

"But, again, that's a future problem, unlike the villain attack, which is a now problem."

"I see what you're saying," said En, "but we can't do anything about the villain attack, but we could theoretically do something about quirk troubles. Unless you'd rather watch helplessly while our latest-possibly-last holder is murdered?"

Yoichi sighed. "Okay, yeah, let's take a look."

.

Izuku's first thought was that Uraraka must have tagged him, but he had been way too far away from her for her to do that. Unless she had run at him when he dove for Tsuyu? Tsuyu had maybe sort of been between them...

But, no, this didn't feel like Uraraka's quirk. He'd only experienced it a couple of times, but it felt like falling. This felt more like floating on the surface of a pool.

This was, he realized as he drifted helplessly upwards and slightly sideways, Shimura Nana's quirk.

It would be really, really cool if the circumstances were different or if he had any control over the quirk whatsoever. As it was, he didn't appreciate the way he was getting progressively higher. Hitting the water at his previous height would have sucked, but he probably would have survived. Now? Not so much. So, if the quirk decided to stop as suddenly as it had started, he was doomed.

Beyond doomed.

He'd be dead.

Wait! The grappling hook!

He pulled it carefully out of its holster, making sure to wrap the loop around his wrist. He could get back to the ground with the grappling hook, anchor himself at a decent height and make use of this, or even attack, but if he dropped it...

Well. Doom and all that.

His best bet was the top of the downpour zone. It was the closest structure by far. He lined up his sights, fired, and watched as the hook fell several meters short.

That was less than ideal.

He rolled over and looked up. He wasn't that far from the ceiling-

Danger Sense screamed at him, and he was falling, just in time to miss getting hit by a jet of water from below. Izuku, naturally, started screaming as well and fired the grappling hook blindly. He rejoiced as a metallic thunk told him it had hit something and immediately hit the stop button, almost wrenching his shoulders out of their sockets. However, his joy quickly turned to horror as he realized he was now headed toward the hard, unforgiving side of the downpour zone at a dangerously high speed. He squeezed his eyes shut.

Float turned back on.

Izuku let out a somewhat pathetic whine in relief, and hit the retract button on the grappling hook gun, letting it pull him up to the roof.

From here, he had an acceptable view of the rest of the USJ. He shaded his eyes to look back at the main plaza and entrance. He could see Eraserhead and Ingenium fighting back to back in the central plaza. All Might and Nomu were tearing up trees in one of the forested areas, and near the entrance he could see Thirteen, Iida, Uraraka, Shouji, Sato, Sero, and Ashido facing down the mist villain. Hopefully, with those numbers, they'd be able to get past him.

Looking elsewhere, Izuku had to assume Todoroki was in the landslide zone, with the spiky ring of ice in the middle of it. He must be holding back. He could make out a fight happening in the mountain zone, but couldn't tell who was involved.

That was more than half the class unaccounted for, including Tsuyu and Kaminari, who he'd thought he'd pushed away from portals. They were probably in the other zones, but...

He took a deep breath. Focus. Where would he do the most good? Danger Sense couldn't tell him that right now, with all these bright threats all around him. He had to decide on his own.

The fight in the mountain area wasn't going well. The number of visible villains was only increasing.

Could Izuku get there? He bit his lip as he contemplated the distance, then jogged back to the opposite side of the downpour zone roof.

Then he ran.

Then he-

-jumped-

-off the roof.

Float activated at the top of the arc of his jump, and his momentum sent him tumbling forward towards the mountain zone. As he approached and began to slow (air resistance still being a thing, apparently), he was able to see Yaoyorozu and Jiro fighting for their lives. Yaoyorozu did not look good.

This wasn't a great way to be proven right about her quirk having drawbacks.

He aimed the grappling hook at one of the larger, closer villains, not really caring about how much damage it would do, and fired.

.

"Wow," said En. "Kid definitely has a bit of a ruthless streak."

"Imagine how much better he'd do with Blackwhip."

"He wouldn't have been able to get there in the first place without Float."

"Honestly," continued En, "I don't get why Second and Third don't like him. They never shut up about Nana and Eighth being too soft, after all."

"What? They said that stuff about me, too?"

"Yeah, I think they're just unsatsifiable at this point. It's annoying."

"I was much more violent and ruthless than Toshi, though."

"I know."

"Yoichi," said Hikage. "I'm not seeing any sign of additional stress on Ninth's body."

"That's because Izuku is the best."

"Or," said En, "it's because he's only had Nana's quirk for, like, five, ten minutes, tops."

"Or because he's the best. Just look at how he's helped his friends defeat all those villains!"

"Compelling argument," said Hikage.

.

"What- what now?" asked Yaoyorozu, holding herself up with one of her staffs. The mountain zone was littered with various weapons and shrapnel from Yaoyorozu's quirk use. This included a canon. Which was really cool, but seemed a bit over the top... and maybe not the most efficient thing to make, considering Yaoyorozu's limitations.

"I don't know," admitted Izuku. He'd been flung around the field as a makeshift flail/bola by the girls a few times, and was a little dizzy.

He looked back out at the battles still taking place in the plaza. "I think... Maybe we should go down, and make our way around the edge to the entrance. We could pick up Todoroki and see if there's anyone in the ruins zone who needs help-"

Then he saw the hand villain step forward, facing down Eraserhead as Ingenium was lured away in defense of Tsuyu and Kaminari, who had just run out of the wooded area, trailing villains. Danger flared in his mind's eye, and, for the second time in his life, his body moved by itself.

[welcometothemxdhouse]

Lectures (pt.3)

I know this took a while i’ve just restarted uni after a year off so it has kinda been chaos. Originally i was only going to make this a three part small fic but i’m actually kinda enjoying thinking about how i’m going to develop Frederick in a timeline outside of the tv show. I want to try and keep his personality as close as possible, and i know there is a dark side to that which i may explore, but mostly this is just me wanting to give him a hug. 

Also just a mention; all the words in italics are like internal thoughts.

This is gender neutral except one line which indicates that reader is female. I wanted to write the line because it is important to me but there was no way for me to make it gender neutral-i’m sorry, i hope you can easily skip over it.

Warnings: Actual smut this time lmao. Nothing crazy just basically oral (male receiving). Also mention of an age-gap/student-professor relationship.

Taglist: @feedthemadness-sweetie​ @prurientpuddlejumper @jonesy201​ @madamsnape921​ @charlottegrice 

Three weeks had been and gone before you were alone with Doctor Chilton again. It was excruciating watching him peacock around the lecture hall twice a week as if nothing had happened-as if you didn't fall asleep every night with the thought of his lips on yours and his hands on your thighs. 

You were snapped out of your daydream by the sounds of annoyed groans, disappointed sighs and an exam paper being dropped on your desk. You looked up just enough to spot the grade written in black ink before dropping your head down into your hands. Fuck, you thought, i’ve really gotta work on that. Before you even had time to consider dropping out for the 100th time this semester, the stern voice of your professor muttered what you’d been hoping to hear for almost a month,

“See me in my office after class.”

It wasn’t a question but a demand and fuck if it didn’t shoot electricity straight to your core. You knew there was a possibility he really did just want to talk about the exam but considering the reactions of everyone around you and the way Doctor Chilton was currently giving them a collective telling-off about how “nobody takes the class seriously” and “no one was proving themselves intelligent enough to be in this class”, you assumed he wanted to see you privately for a different reason. 

You began to pack your things and followed your best friend out of the hall. Ever since you told them about what happened between you and Doctor Chilton they had stopped being so mean to him with everyone else, unfortunately right now they were clearly too angry to care.

“I worked my ASS off for that exam and what? He just decides i’m too dumb to take his class because I misunderstood one question? Which, by the way, was phrased shitty anyway”, you interrupted them by grabbing their arm and dragging them to a halt, “WHAT?” they snapped in response.

“Chilton wants to speak to me about the exam.” you replied. Your friend stopped and stared at you for a second, the smirk rising on their face matching the blush rising on yours. 

“The exam, huh?” 

“Yes. The exam” 

They freed their arm from your grasp and condescendingly patted you on the cheek before turning on their heels and walking away,

“Have fun!” they shouted from down the corridor. Well...at least they stopped being angry for two seconds.

                    ----------------------------------------------------------------

You found yourself, once again, in the corridor outside your professor’s office, only this time the awkwardness of the first meeting was gone. Assuming he wouldn’t have returned from the lecture hall yet you leant against the wall and began mindlessly scrolling on your phone. Your thoughts began to wander to the last time you had been here:

You had just begun to reach down and unbuckle his belt when the sound of a heavy knock on the office door made Doctor Chilton practically jump out of his skin.

Suddenly you became aware of a presence in front of you. You looked up quickly, assuming it was Frederick trying to pull you from your daydreams for the second time today but instead locked eyes with a guy you recognised from one of your classes.

“Hey?” you muttered, trying to wrack your brains for any memory of his name.

“Hi”, he replied, meeting your stare so intently you felt yourself shift uncomfortably on the spot, “I saw you stood here all alone so I assumed you’d want some company”

The actual audacity of men, you laughed to yourself, where the fuck do they get it? 

“I’m good, but thanks anyway.”

He lifted himself off the opposite wall and stepped closer to you, crowding you so close that you subconsciously squeezed your knuckles and held your breath for what was to come.

“If you are going to make out, please do it somewhere other than outside my office.” 

You whipped your head around to see Doctor Chilton standing next to you both nonchalantly, leaning on his cane with one hand and unlocking the door with his other. When he raised his eyes to meet yours you threw him your best ‘i am two seconds away from kicking this guy in the balls’ face before said guy turned his attention back to you,

“Apologies Professor”, he smiled to himself, “you know my name Y/N, message me.” 

You watched the almost-stranger leave before turning back around to meet Doctor Chilton with a sigh,

“I actually don’t know his name.” You whispered, just loud enough for Frederick to hear and you smiled to yourself as he let out a small laugh in return. 

Frederick signalled for you to enter his office first and then closed the door behind the both of you. He paused as if he was debating what to say to you before settling on a quiet,

“Are you okay?”

You wondered briefly if he was normally this gentlemanly. If this is what the real Frederick Chilton was like then his strict, obnoxious image was not doing him any favours. You decided you liked this version better.

“Yeah i’m okay. Not to get all feminist on you but it’s nothing every girl isn’t used to.” you paused and dropped your head to look awkwardly at your shoes, “i guess that doesn’t make it any easier to deal with though.”

A painfully long silence followed and you wondered, just like last time, if you’d put him off with your stupid comments. You were just about to apologise when his voice, softer than usual, mumbled

“You can leave if you want, Y/N. I’m not a monster, i’m not going to force you to be here.” 

You almost gave yourself whiplash with how quickly you moved to reassure him. You stepped closer to him and rested a hand on his cheek, relishing in the feeling of his stubble scratching your palm as he tilted his head to lean into your touch.

“I want to be here, Doctor Chilton.”

“You can call me Frederick while we’re alone, Y/N”

You reached up on your toes and tentatively pressed a kiss to his lips.

“Okay, Frederick.”

You moved to pull away until Frederick grabbed both sides of your face and pulled you back to him, moaning softly as you lightly bit his bottom lip after a few seconds to deepen the kiss. His hands moved to circle your waist as he walked you back towards the door, reaching behind him and twisting the lock. As soon as you heard the click in the door you detached yourself from Frederick and smiled as you heard him whine quietly at the sudden loss of contact. You grabbed his hand and lead him to his desk, pulling the chair out from behind it and pushing him down to sit. As soon as his legs hit the chair you saw his body stiffen and his eyes began darting around the room, looking anywhere that wasn’t at you. Your stomach twisted in a knot as a million worries passed through your mind within seconds. 

“Frederick...? What’s wrong?”

“I just...”, he flicked his eyes back to you and away again, “I don’t do this often.”

Your breath hitched as you realised what the issue was. He was nervous. This handsome, smart, sexy professor was nervous about having sex with you. Damn this man and his adorableness. If your time alone with Frederick so far had taught you anything it was how easy it was to forget this man was your senior by a substantial amount of years. You momentarily wondered what happened in the course of his life to make him have to cover this shy, awkward, sweet personality with the one that makes everyone hate him. You must be so lonely, Frederick Chilton. You walked over to the desk and perched on the edge, the irony not lost on you later that all three of your first encounters began with you on one of his desks. You leant forward and traced his jaw with your index finger,

“If you don’t want this, we can stop.”

“No i do want this, i want you.” He paused again, “i made you wait three weeks...i don’t want to disappoint you.”

He hardly had time to finish his sentence before you surged forward and captured his lips again. The height difference between the desk and the chair meant his neck was exposed to you above his collar as he reached up to match the energy of the kiss. You dipped your head and trailed open-mouthed kisses down his neck and across his jawline, the whimpers and groans that slipped out of his mouth made shock-after-shock fire down to your core. Watching “Professor Chilton” outside of this office would never have given you a clue that he would be as submissive as he seemed to be now. You made a mental note to explore that later on if this ever happened again. Oh this is definitely going to happen again. As you moved off the desk Frederick’s hands instinctively went to rest on your thighs like the last time you were in this position. You, however, had other ideas. You shuffled to your feet then rapidly dropped to your knees. Frederick’s eyes widened and you heard his breath catch in his throat as he realised what you were doing.

“Fuck Y/N” he groaned, looking down and almost coming in his pants at the sight of you with your dishevelled hair and kiss-swollen lips reaching to unbuckle his belt.

“Is this okay...” ,you asked, stilling your hands and peering up from under your lashes, “sir?”

The moan that came out of Frederick as you simultaneously brushed your hand over the bulge in his trousers was positively abhuman and shit it was hot. You undid the button and zipper on his trousers before pulling them down just enough to lift his dick out of his underwear. If you weren’t dripping before then you certainly were now. You had no idea how he could ever be worried about disappointing you with a dick the size of his - your jaw was practically aching just looking at it. With no hesitation you settled back on your heels and began kitten-licking the tip before licking a stripe along the underside of his dick and taking him into your mouth. Frederick grunted and moaned above you as you took him deeper with every dip of your head, eventually gagging slightly when he hit the back of your throat. The sound of that alone made Frederick grasp the back of your hair with both hands and pull you off him in a panic,

“If you keep doing that i’m gonna..” he stuttered, embarrassed. When you looked up at him he was so flustered it was almost sweet. You wrapped one hand back around his dick and reached around to place your other hand on top of his on the back of your head.

“Come for me, sir” 

You tapped the hand on the back of your head as a signal for him to push your head back down and you took him in your mouth again, bobbing up and down with even more ferocity, scraping your teeth lightly along his veins a few times. You felt his dick throb against your tongue and you moaned, hoping the vibrations would be what he needed to push him over the edge.

“Shit Y/N i’m...” and with one last bob of your head you felt his come hit the back of your throat and you instinctively swallowed.

You pulled off Frederick with a obscene ‘popping’ noise before meeting his eyes and licking your lips, making sure he knew you’d taken every last drop. You buttoned up his trousers and raised yourself to perch back on the desk-you wanted to revel in the scene in front of you for a second. Frederick was a mess. He was breathing heavy and beads of sweat had gathered on his forehead. His hair was sticking up in every direction and his hands had settled to rest on his thighs as he tried, unsuccessfully, to stop them from shaking. He wasn’t lying, he really doesn’t do this often.

“What is the saying? Take a picture, it will last longer?” he snarled, clearly off-put by your staring.

“Maybe one day i will.” You smiled as you hopped off the desk and nudged his legs open with your knee so you could stand between them. You bent down and pressed a heavy kiss to his lips before walking towards the door.

“See you soon, Frederick”.

[bellakitse]

searching for a trail to follow again

How many life decisions did you make today?

Just one more.

*

Before TK talks to his team, he and Carlos have a conversation at the hospital and come to a decision about their relationship.

*Spoilers for the finale*

They finish stitching him up, and the nurse leaves but not before giving him a lecture about being more careful. She doesn’t seem impressed that he popped his stitches trying to save someone’s life. Though she does take pity on him enough to find him a spare t-shirt, getting rid of his ruin one.

It hurts to lift his arm with the fresh stitches, and the day’s events are catching up with him. He’s struggling with the top when he hears footsteps. Looking towards the door, he’s both surprised and not surprised to see who’s there, his heart giving a jerk at who it is.

“Hey,” he starts, not sure what else to add as he looks at Carlos. He watches him as he gives him a quick once over, no doubt checking to see how hurt he is, his shoulders losing some of their tension as he concludes that he’s all right.

“I just wanted to make sure you were okay,” Carlos says softly as he walks into the room. “I would have come with you earlier but –“

“You had to keep helping,” he finishes for him with a half-smile. Of course, Carlos stayed behind to help; it doesn’t matter that he’s not on the clock or that he’s in street clothes. It’s obvious that Carlos was made to help people; it’s in his blood the way it’s in his dad’s. Carlos’ thoughtfulness and compassion leaps out of him in everything he does.

Even now, after their less than awesome date, which ended with them breaking up – can you even break up if you weren’t really together? And if they weren’t together, why does TK ache right now looking at him – even now Carlos is proving how kind he is by being here.

“Are you okay?” Carlos asks as he comes to stand in front of where he sits.

TK holds on to the shirt he’s been trying to put on, twisting it in his hands. He shifts nervously, and the paper on the exam table underneath him crinkles loudly. “Yeah,” he licks his lips anxiously as he bobs his head. “I’m okay. I checked on the woman from the bus, Ellen, and then had them fix my stitches,” he tries to smile, but it feels stiff on his face. “Then the nurse yelled at me for being reckless.”

Carlos smiles back at him gently. “You should have told her you were being a hero.”

TK chuckles, some of the tension he feels disappearing. That’s the thing about Carlos, he’s seen him in bad shape, acting at his worse, but he still finds a way to make TK feel good and comfortable, while all TK seems to do is disappoint him.

“Do you need help with your shirt?” Carlos questions, giving it a look. “It looked like you were struggling.”

TK stares at him, taking in Carlos’ kind eyes, patient the way he always is with him, and it hurts how much he wants to keep him. Even while knowing he doesn’t deserve it.

“May I?” he holds out his hand for TK to hand him the shirt, flashing him a smile when he does.

“We’ll go slow,” Carlos assures him as he slips the shirt over his head. “Now, the good side.”

TK does as he’s told, wincing when they get to the hurt side of his body, the stitches on his chest pull as he lifts his arm. “Shit,” he says, letting out a small groan.

Carlos makes a sympathetic noise, giving his shoulder a gentle squeeze as he helps TK put his arm through the opening. “I’m sorry, sweetheart,” he murmurs, not realizing how the endearment makes TK’s heart skip. He runs a hand down TK’s side, smoothing the shirt out. “There, we’re done.”

“Why are you here?” he blurts out, feeling like an absolute dick at the hurt look that flashes across Carlos’ face.

Carlos takes a breath, and his expression settles into something more neutral, carefully blank. It reminds TK of the night at the police station. Of Carlos telling him he’s used to crazy. It’s the most closed-off TK has ever seen Carlos be with him, and he hated it. He hates it now too.

“I wanted to see if you were okay,” he repeats after a moment.

“Why?” he asks, the plea loud for both of them to hear. “After today at the juice bar, after how we ended things, why Carlos?”

Carlos frowns at him, but he doesn’t look mad. Instead, he seems worried, and TK can only imagine the look on his face right now, how desperate he must look. “I care about you, TK,” Carlos starts, his words hitting TK hard. “You not wanting to be with me doesn’t change that. I care about you, and I’m going to keep doing so, even if we’re never together.”

“You shouldn’t,” TK gets out, feeling his eyes sting, and he has to bite down on his lip to keep from giving in to the urge to cry. “I’m not worth it.”

Carlos’ eyes go hard, and now TK starts to see some anger. “That’s for me to decide, Tyler,” he says sternly. “Not you.”

TK shakes his head, frustration making him all but vibrate.

“I’ll hurt you,” he promises, pushing forward when he sees Carlos open his mouth to argue. “You said you felt some strong feelings when you saw me in that hospital bed. Well, this isn’t the first time this year that’s happened. It’s not the first time I’ve almost died.”

“TK –“

“I OD’d back in New York,” he rushes to get out, the words feeling like bile at his throat. He watches as Carlos gets a stricken look on his face. It hurts TK to hurt him, but better he know now, rather than later. “I got my heartbroken, and instead of handling it, I scored some pills and OD’d. My dad found me passed out, and my heart had stopped,” he finishes, his voice breaking.

He can’t help the tears that fall now, and he hates that there are tears on Carlos’ face too. “That’s who I am, Carlos, now tell me I’m still worth caring for.”

TK watches as Carlos struggles for a moment as he looks away from him, he takes in the way he’s trying to get his breath under control, the tear tracks down his face, and the shake in his left hand. His body looks like a tight coil ready to spring.

When he looks back at TK, there is a resolve in his expression that makes TK’s breath catch.

“Yes, you are.”

TK shakes his head, feeling his lungs tighten as he fights for a breath. “No.”

“Yes, Tyler,” Carlos answers, his tone tells TK he’s firm in his conviction, and TK finds himself crying, it’s selfish of him, but he’s relieved, and he knows he can’t hide it.

“Carlos – “ he gets out, not even knowing what he wants to say.

Carlos closes the gap between them. His hands tenderly cradle TK’s face, bringing another wave of tears as he’s touched with such care. “Listen to me,” he starts, his voice is gentle in that way that seems to be for him alone. “You can tell me that you don’t want this, that you don’t have feelings for me. I can handle that. It would suck, but I’m a big boy, and you aren’t my first rejection. You can tell me that you aren’t ready for anything more, and you just want me to be your friend. You can even tell me that you never want to see me again, and to get lost.”

TK lets out a huff as he rolls his eyes. That’s the last thing he wants, everything would be so much easier if that were the case.

Carlos gives him a small smile in return.

“But you can’t tell me not to care about you,” Carlos raises his eyebrows at him, making sure he’s listening. He is, he’s listening even as his heart pounds loudly in his ears. “Because that’s not going to happen. I will always care about you, and you telling me about your OD, doesn’t change that. If anything, it makes me care and admire you more.”

“You’re crazy,” TK jokes faintly, affection spreading through his body for the man holding him. It’s such a bad idea, but he can’t help but want for Carlos to keep doing it, and he wants to hold him back.

He wraps his hands around Carlos’ wrists, pulling his hands off his face. Carlos moves to take a step back, but TK tightens his hold, keeping him in place. Waiting him out, Carlos raises an eyebrow at him.

TK realizes with a stumble of his heart that it’s his move to make. Tugging him forward, he lets out a breath when Carlos steps in closer.

“I’m a mess,” he warns him, looking at Carlos seriously. He needs him to understand what he’s getting into with him. “I’m probably going to be a mess for a while.”

Carlos answers him with a soft smile. “I’m not perfect either, TK.”

“I might hurt you,” he counters, swallowing when Carlos nods.

“I might hurt you too,” he says softly. TK doesn’t tell him that he already knows that. Given a chance, he knows he’ll give Carlos his whole heart, and with it the power to crush it.

Carlos sees this, and TK lets out a trembling breath as Carlos leans in, touching his forehead against his. “I’ll try very hard not to though,” he whispers, his breath like a touch against TK’s mouth.

“Me too,” TK whispers in return.

Carlos pulls back, the beginnings of a smile on his face. He’s beautiful, and TK’s crazy heart gives out yet another erratic thump. “What does that mean?”

TK closes his eyes, a reluctant smile making its way to his face. “You said we could go slow,” he says, pointing at the shirt Carlos just carefully helped him put on. He thinks if there is anyone who would be careful with his heart, it’s Carlos.

“You set the speed,” he tells him, his eyes bright with joy, it makes TK feel warm and cared for.

“Yeah?” TK asks, needing to be sure.

Carlos nods. “Yes, TK,” he answers tenderly. He raises a hand again to touch TK’s face, his thumb caressing his cheek.

TK leans into the touch, grabbing at Carlos’ shirt to pull him even closer. He touches the back of Carlos’ neck and pushes himself up from the exam table to brush his lips against his.

He keeps the kiss light, the barest touch of their mouths, but it’s been weeks since he’s kissed Carlos, and it’s more than enough to make every part of TK’s body hum.

“Then can we, be a ‘we’ now?” he asks quietly, his heart buzzing with hopefulness.

The smile Carlos gives him when he says yes, is the gentlest anyone outside his father has ever given him, and as he feels it against his mouth when they kiss again, something inside him slowly starts to mend.

[brokenjardaantech]

absorbance of the deep (chapter 5: rest)

written for a mermay prompts challenge. my prompt is ‘monochromatic.’

previous chapter can be found here.

also on ao3

----

No matter how much Simon wanted to avoid it, he had to return to the lighthouse in the end. Before he left the cave, Markus made him promise two times that he would call for the sea whenever trouble arose, and both times he solemnly swore that he would rely on him for support in case things went down, that he would cry for help, that he wouldn’t pretend that he could solve it on his own, because truthfully, he knew the attack changed everything; his parents could no longer ignore the fact that the only thing standing between him and his death was three teenagers of his age, nor could they pretend that Daniel didn’t even want to stay in their village anymore, and thinking about it, what did he do at school apart from reading on his own anyway? He hadn’t passed any exams since eight or nine, all his promotions were due to the lack of funding of their village and, therefore, the reluctance to waste money on a student for more years than strictly necessary. Of course they didn’t tell him about it in his face; he learnt it a few years back when a disgruntled Daniel complained about how his twin could advance a grade despite not putting any effort into studying at all and threatened to complain to the authorities - whoever they were - until the school or their parents gave him a reasonable explanation that promoting Simon was the cheapest and fastest way to get rid of him. They thought that because he didn’t speak, he certainly couldn’t understand what they were saying either.

Well, it did take him a few months to decide his feelings on the issue and a lot of effort to focus on the entire conversation instead of being distracted by other thoughts halfway through, but that didn’t make it hurt less. It still hurts from time to time when he thinks about it, but the civilisation on the surface is gone, he has Markus to distract him, so he tends not to be very bothered even though he never had been in the first place.

He rode the waves until they placed him gently on the pier connected to the lighthouse, and he thanked them one last time before taking a deep breath and forcing himself to walk along the pier until he was standing in front of the backdoor. He pressed his ear against the wood carefully so that it didn’t make it creak to listen for any sign of struggle and chaos, but all seemed quiet. He could neither hear a single movement nor feel the slightest vibrations apart from the gentle thud, thud, thud of the structure being lapped by the tide, though it could be his bias towards the ocean that made it less terrifying than it probably was in reality. But still, for safety, he climbed up the improvised ladder Daniel built to enter the house through his bedroom instead of through the backdoor, holding onto one of the ledges with one hand while trying to slide the window open.

He should’ve known that his clumsiness would one day cost him.

His heart nearly burst out of his chest as his hand slipped on the glass and he lost his balance. The momentum of his upper body sent him reeling, his other hand let go of the plank, and without at least three points of contact, he started to fall, his limbs flailing but not touching anything solid as his brain processed what was happening, his mind bracing for the inevitable impact and maybe his early demise -

Just to be cushioned by something soft and bouncy.

He was slowly lowered onto the pier until he was lying on the cool wood. Pushing himself to a sitting position, he turned around and saw Markus hanging on the edge of the pier with his arms outstretched and his head peeking out with a chastising look on his face. Go through the door.

It won’t be wise, was Simon’s explanation. Going to my room is safer.

Fine.

A tendril of water rises from the sea and extends up to the window of the twins’ room, nudging it open until a gap just big enough for Simon to climb through before sliding back down again and disappearing completely. Go on, Markus said in his mind. I won’t go until you’re safely inside.

Simon picked himself up once more and climbed the wall more carefully this time, feeling Markus’ gaze on his back all the way up until he silently rolled into his bedroom - one of the advantages of having his bed next to the windows - and he knelt on the mattress with his arms on the windowsill just to stare at Markus for a long while, memorising the way the rising sun painted the ocean a rippling gold and creating a halo around his head. He looked absolutely stunning.

Just like the entire ocean he should be.

The thought came unprompted and without any explanation, but somehow, in his entire memory, it made sense. It didn’t surprise him that Markus and the sea were the same. It didn’t surprise him that Markus let him know. It didn’t surprise him that Markus brought him the courage to look at the overwhelming brightness of the ocean just to take one more look at him before he disappeared under the pier and proceeded to go back to wherever he lived - if he had a corporal form at all. But it wasn’t a time for poetic musings and pining; he kept his window open for the morning breeze, but as soon as he turned around to face the empty bed on the other side of the room, reality crashed down onto him harder than any tsunami, and he nearly fell off his bed from his attempt to scramble off the bed in search for his twin. Daniel? he asked in his mind before remembering that telepathy was limited to between him and Markus. Creeping out to the corridor, he first checked on his parents’ room and discovered that his mother was sleeping, then he stuck close to a wall as he padded down the stairs to take a peek at the situation in the living room, finding out that his brother was waking up on the sofa. He didn’t look pleased to see Simon.

‘Should I even ask?’ Daniel grumbled as he ran his hand through his hair.

Simon wished he had his dictionary with him right now because then he would be able to tell his twin to clarify, but since rushing upstairs to grab it seemed like a bad idea, all he did was to shut up and listen.

‘Well, it worked,’ the twin walked straight to the kitchen and started preparing his breakfast by banging the cupboard doors and slamming eating utensils onto the counter, the sharp noise assaulting Simon’s ears and forcing him to protect them by covering them with his hands. ‘I’m officially out of this place.’

Simon followed his gaze towards the suitcase by the door, a soft, worn-out thing that looked like it was on the verge of bursting. So that was why Daniel’s bed and the space around it looked so empty when Simon climbed in a few minutes ago - he had probably shoved everything into the suitcase.

‘Don’t worry, I think the other guys are out too,’ the fridge door slammed shut. Every single movement from his twin was forceful, harsh, as if he wanted to unleash his wrath on anything and everything, and even though Simon knew Daniel would never hurt him, his brain told him to stay on guard, to run as soon as he could. Or it was Markus keeping track of everything and silently nudging him towards the direction. ‘They won’t hurt you anymore.’

That didn’t quite match what Josh had said the day before, but Simon wasn’t in the mood to confirm right now; he managed to rush upstairs before the first scrape of metal spoon against teeth as Daniel shoved the first of many mouthfuls of cereal into his mouth to fetch his dictionary, already flipping through the pages as he ran down to perch on the sofa so that it was close enough to let his brother read the word he was pointing at but not hurt him, and he asked, [where - are - you - going]

‘Away from here.’

[where - exactly]

‘Does it matter?’ Daniel exploded, and Simon wished he had grabbed his headphones as well. ‘Not that you care, right? All you ever do is reading your damned books and disappearing into the fucking sea for hours and making us worry. They don’t even want you in the system!’

A particularly hard wave of the hand he was holding the cereal bowl with sent a mixture of milk and soggy cornflakes onto the ground. With a particularly loud curse, he threw the bowl - cereal and all - onto the floor, the ceramic shattering into a few large jagged pieces that Simon knew could be used against him with the loudest clank that echoed in the room. The sound triggered every single alarm in his system, snapped the last thread that held his self-control, and then he stopped caring, he stopped being the supportive twin brother he always wanted to be but couldn’t, he stopped thinking about everything apart from the simple thought that he had to run. He was aware of the sofa, then the suitcase, then the door, and he was out in the sun, his feet were pounding against heating asphalt, the usual soft ocean breeze had turned into blades cutting into his cheeks from how fast he was running, but he couldn’t stop, he couldn’t look back, not with Daniel doing that to him and leaving, leaving, leaving and he was angry and so was probably his mother and his father who wasn’t even in the house but it was a small village and there wasn’t a lot of place for a lighthouse keeping to go at the crack of dawn so WHERE CAN HE BE? His vision became blurry, his ears were filled with nothing but the high-pitched whistling of the wind, and one moment of hesitation was enough for him to trip on completely flat ground and land painfully on hard ground paved with pieces of sett, but despite the pain, despite the wounds he couldn’t feel, despite his throat constricting and his legs burning, he picked himself up, moved forward; walked when he couldn’t run, put one foot in front of another when he could barely walk, collapsed onto his feet and crawled when he couldn’t support himself - anything to get away from his brother who betrayed him and his mother who didn’t care about him once he stopped being a baby and his father whom he didn’t even know the location of.

He didn’t have any reason to stay, he realised, but neither did he have anywhere else to go.

Somehow no one stopped him before the texture underneath his hand turned from pavement to wet grass, and he used the last of his strength to drag himself to a shaded spot under a tree so that his senses didn’t get overwhelmed again from the sunlight. Without direct light, the morning dew was even more prevalent and soaked through his shirt quickly, but even that was better compared to the heat he had absorbed from the sun or generated from running from one side of the village to another. He had no water, no food, nothing to help himself recover apart from time, time which he didn’t have because his entire body was hurting so much that he might as well be dying, and even though the logical, life-loving side of him knew that dying here wouldn’t solve anything, he wouldn’t mind if he just closed his eyes here and never wake up, because if he did, his parents would probably send him off to the deep ocean on a boat in his favourite clothing and possession - the latter which probably consisted of nothing more than his noise-cancelling headphones and his trusty backpack that was too small on him but he refused to replace - then he would be able to be with Markus forever because he no longer had to return to the bright surface world where there was no Markus -

Cut that thought, Markus’ voice wasn’t loud but neither was it gentle like before. I’ll ask someone to tend to you. Wait there.

Markus had never been that harsh (firm, the reasonable side of his mind reminded him, but it wasn’t that he had the capacity to be reasonable and level-headed right now) with him before. Simon knew the words were out of genuine care, so why was his vision turning blurry and the sockets of his eyes heating up? I want you to be here.

I know, but you were just attacked yesterday and people wouldn’t be kind when they see another stranger with you.

They didn’t see you yesterday?

I made sure I stayed hidden.

That didn’t help Simon’s argument. But I don’t want anyone else.

I’ll be there as soon as I can.

But I want you here now, Simon knew he didn’t have an excuse anymore and was throwing a tantrum, but he just couldn’t seem to stop, couldn’t seem to stop hurting. I can come to you.

No. Stay where you are. You are under no condition to move.

The last sentence sparked his defiance, the sudden pounding in his heart giving him just enough strength to put some of his weight into his arms and push his upper body up by a few centimetres before they suddenly gave out and the back of his head hit the grass once more with a soft thud. His fingers on the grass tightened, the force enough to tear a few poor strands of vegetation out of the soil, and he curled into a ball with frustrated tears rolling down his face. He was tired. He didn’t know how long he lay there sobbing and crying until he exhausted the last bit of his strength and he could only melt into the hard ground, feeling the soil soften underneath his body and release even more moisture and wetting his clothes to an uncomfortable level.

He just wanted Markus.

It was hours later when the sun was high up in the sky that he heard footsteps approaching, and he had to cover his ears once more because he had been with nothing but his own breaths for so long that anything more than that set him on edge. He did risk a peek at the person and realised that it was Josh, who knelt down next to him and blocked most of his vision with his body. ‘Markus told me you’re here,’ he explained, the volume of his muffled voice just right. ‘I’ll take you back to my place. Then we’ll see what we can do, okay?’

Anywhere that was neither the lighthouse nor here sounded good enough to Simon right now, so he nodded and attempted to pick himself up once more, managing to sit up but not stand on his feet because the burn in his muscles was too much to bear. Josh offered his hand for him to grab as support, but when Simon reached out to grab it, his friend surprised him by taking his wrist and pulling him up almost painfully in a way that reminded him of North. When he swayed, Josh didn’t even ask before taking one of Simon’s arms and draping it on his shoulders and then dragging him towards the car he didn’t even realise was there. How did he miss an entire car engine?

Josh helped him fasten his seatbelt before going to the other side of the car to climb in. North was, once more, their designated driver, and their gazes only met once in the rearview mirror before Simon averted his eyes and she made the car go. How Markus contacted them or how they managed to arrive in such a short time, Simon had no idea, but all he knew as the air-conditioning started drying his sweat and his wounds from tripping and falling started to sting. North might as well have run him over with her car and he probably wouldn’t know the difference.

The drive to Josh’s house was short, a fact that Simon was grateful for because of how much his wounds were suddenly hurting. When they arrived, he let Josh lead him into the house, sat down on the too-soft sofa when he instructed him to, mentally prepared himself for the sting of Rivanol after Josh warned him about how he was going to treat his wounds, and all the warning he got was North holding him in place before a cotton ball soaked in yellow fluid was swapped against the scrapes on his arms.

If his voice worked, he would’ve screamed.

But it didn’t, and all he could do was sit there trying not to pull his muscles all over again by hissing and breathing through the gaps of his clenched teeth as one of his best friends hold him down and the other quickly sanitised all open wounds on his body by lighting fires on top of it. His muscles flexed and spasmed, beads of sweat broke out on his already soaked body, and there was nothing he could do when Josh accidentally dragged the material of the dressing against one of the scrape wounds on his arm against broken skin, tugging layers of tissue towards a direction it shouldn’t go. Suddenly he was back on the street again, his legs paralysed and too weak to support himself, he could taste the salt of his own sweat, he could swear the sunlight was going to burn him, his skin was boiling, sweat and blood and other fluids were leaking out of his body, he needed to get out and run and run until he was one with the ocean and maybe then he could be -

‘Look, Simon.’

North’s voice, one that she usually reserved for situations where they had to abandon everything and run, cut through his mind, and so he looked, he heard the sound of running water, and it didn’t take long for him to notice the clear stream of running water moving across the floor towards where they all were and crawling up the sofa in a defiance against gravity, the second time that he saw Markus in such state. This time, the sea showed up and solidified next to him and immediately pulled Simon against his side, the weight of his arm across his shoulders and the warmth his body radiated equally comforting. Markus said something but he didn’t catch it, but it was also fine because Markus’ hand on his face helped numb his senses, and the next thing he knew was Josh pulling away and setting the first-aid kit to one side. ‘Go take a shower,’ North said before taking the kit away. ‘I’m sure Josh can lend you something.’

‘The dressings are waterproof,’ Josh explained. It got harder to hear his voice when he walked to the other side of the living room, but somehow Simon managed to catch everything instead of drifting away. ‘Just make sure that the adhesive doesn’t fully peel back and the wounds should be protected well. I’ll get you some clothes; do you want long sleeves or short sleeves?’

Just as Simon wondered how he could request for a dictionary, a small one was gently placed on his lap, and unfamiliarity meant that it took him longer than usual to find the word he needed. [short]

‘I’ll put them in the bathroom. Hope you don’t mind they’re a bit big.’

Simon looked at the clothes he was wearing. His shirt used to belong to his father who was both stronger and broader than Simon himself would ever be, his mother had to add an elastic around the waistband of his trousers so that it could stay on without a belt because he was too clumsy to use one, and he constantly had to wear two pairs of socks so that his shoes fit and the hard material didn’t scrape his skin. [use - to - it]

He wasn’t sure if all the flipping and scanning even paid off because his friend was already moving on to his next task, and the thought that he was once more left alone simply for being slower to communicate his thoughts - not letting that chain of thought continue. Seeing nowhere to return the dictionary to, he placed it on top of one of the many piles of books on the coffee table and hoped that Josh didn’t mind in case he screwed up the arrangement, but from the layer of dust on the once-topmost book, its owner probably hadn’t touched it in quite a while, so Josh probably wouldn't care that much - if he remembered the pile existed at all.

Come on, Simon, let’s get to the bathroom to clean you up.

The stairs in Josh’s house were hard to climb because of the big steps. With every single movement came a sharp wave of pain from the dressing brushing against his scrapes, and by the time he reached the upper floor, it felt like he had been running all over again, his body aching in places he never knew could hurt or exhaust and making him even more drained than before. Markus’ presence behind him probably saved him from falling backwards and hitting his head against the corner of a step multiple times, but it didn’t prevent his legs from seizing up from a cramp, didn’t help him prepare for the slight moment of panic he felt before he met the floor painfully, didn’t remind him to breathe as the air was knocked out of his lungs. The floor was hard but cool and smooth. He might lie there for a moment so that he can rest -

He was rolled over before an arm slid underneath his back and another his knees, and suddenly he was in the air, a bounce and suddenly his head rolled uncontrollably against Markus’ chest, and in Simon’s head was the sea’s voice, Let me help you. It’s been a restless two days.

Simon realised that any other person would’ve been at least somewhat embarrassed had the circumstances been the same, but as Markus carried him to the bathroom, as he was gently placed on the countertop between the sink and the pile of clothes Josh no doubt prepared, as he watched Markus fumble with the taps next to the bathtub, he felt oddly numb apart from the usual anticipation and sense of safety the sea brought to him. Like he was underwater riding the waves while being half-asleep and his entire vision was tinted a deep, deep blue. He heard neither the sound of water hitting the smooth surface of the bathtub nor the telltale murmur of running water, but when Markus filled his line of sight with his body by standing so, so close again, Simon looked up and saw that the tub was nearly full.

I hope the temperature is appropriate, the sea said. Do you want me to stay or leave? I know people on the surface tend to bathe alone.

You may stay, Simon replied. I don’t mind. It’s up to you.

His hands reached for the hem of his shirt so that he could take it off - one of the rare complex actions he could do on his own after years of practice and embarrassment - but one thing he failed to account for was that he had run across town not a few hours ago and had tripped countless times before lying for hours on melting soil, and the smell of his own sweat, the stickiness of the mud sticking onto his clothes and parts of his body, the bruises and muscle cramps making themselves known when he tried to raise his arms - his mouth fell open in a silent scream while his body stayed frozen despite his pounding heart and his racing breaths. He couldn’t finish the motion.

He was stuck.

His shirt was tugged away by a pair of hands that didn’t belong to him, returning both his vision and mobility, and he held his breath as Markus casually dropped his shirt onto the floor with his green eyes fixated on somewhere below his face as if he was taking in every bruise, every small scar he left on himself when he picked on the thin, tiny hair that was the only thing his body seemed to be able to grow, every single cell that made him who he was. Slowly, Markus reached for him, touched him first with the pads of his fingers, then with his entire hand, then sliding said hand across his body, slowing down on dressing-covered flesh, smoothing down his arm, then holding Simon’s slender wrist, his bony hand, and he couldn’t help but notice how dark Markus’ skin was compared to his own, how strong and shapely his hand was, how he could feel the sheer power humming underneath Markus’ skin as if asking for permission to… enter him.

And the thought that he wouldn’t mind was equally terrifying and exciting.

What do you want to do? Simon asked. Had they been alone, he would’ve let Markus have his way, but unfortunately they were still in Josh’s house at the moment.

I can heal your wounds in a blink of an eye, Markus made it sound like something normal that he did on a daily basis, but I’ll need your permission. It might feel strange for you.

Being pain-free did sound nice, but Simon dared not think of how his friends would react if they realised his wounds were gone. They had enough speculations and suspicion about Markus that neither of them was in the position to answer, and to think that on top of turning into a gravity-defying puddle and controlling the ocean, he could heal whatever aches and pains Simon had in his body… the questions would be endless. Not this time. Josh and North will notice and they’ll ask questions.

Doesn’t mean that we need to answer them.

I don’t even want to hear them.

Fair enough. May I help you undress, then?

Simon gave Markus a nod, and the sea knelt to take off his socks before beckoning him to slide down the counter so that he could remove his torn trousers next. What Simon didn’t expect, however, was his underwear being removed at the same time, and in one smooth motion he was completely bare, but instead of feeling exposed like when he was with… anyone else, for that matter, he felt… relieved. As if the final barrier he constructed between the ocean and himself finally crumbled and collapsed, all with a pull of fabric. He found Markus staring again, except this time Simon was the one overlooking and Markus the one below him, and it was neither awkward nor unnatural even though his experience had been the opposite, the sea as destined to look after him as he was destined to be drawn to the depths of the ocean. The idea of letting the sea take him came unprompted, and Markus stood up in a sudden, abrupt movement that startled Simon. Evidently their bond ran deeper and less controllable than he had thought. More unexpectedly, the sea took his cheeks and yanked him in for a kiss rougher than any one they had shared up to that point, one of Markus’ thumbs pressing down on his chin in a wordless command to open his mouth which he complied, welcoming the sea’s mouth to devour his own, submitting to the ocean’s manipulation when strong fingers angle his head to gain better access to his lips, his tongue. A heat so foreign to him that it quickly became terrifying pooled in his guts, and as if sensing Simon’s discomfort and fear, Markus finally pulled away but stayed close enough to press their foreheads together, their breaths mingling and their hearts roaring in sync. Then they kissed again, this time no more than a light peck of their lips - an apology from Markus.

I lost control, he said. I should’ve slowed down. I’m sorry.

You did, answered Simon, and even he himself wasn’t sure if it was referring to the first or second statement. I… liked it.

I scared you.

I scared myself.

Markus sighed and took both of Simon’s hands in his. Let’s get into the bath.

He obeyed the request and stepped into the warm water with a hand on the edge of the tub and the other holding onto Markus’ wrist, his subsequent exhale draining the remaining strength out of him, and his back hit the slanted side of the tub with a dull thud and a splash of water. His arms drifted beneath the surface in an odd show of buoyancy, his legs started floating upwards if he didn’t use some of his strength to ground himself - which he eventually got over by spreading his legs and sticking them against the sides of the tub - and he discovered soon enough that he couldn’t stop moving because everything felt so strange when the water wasn’t flowing.

He was used to the vastness of the ocean. He was used to the waves either carrying him to his home or gently cradling him as he floated on the surface with Markus as they both gazed at the stars. He was not used to still water and the noises he made echoing in the confined space of a bathroom.

Close your eyes, Markus distracted him with a kiss on his cheek. Imagine yourself sitting in the tide under the sun with my protection. I’ll wash you if you allow me to.

Simon did as he said. Please.

He let his mind drift as he relaxed into the bath while Markus… did his thing. He was aware of a soft sponge being carefully pushed between his fingers, then along his body, then his toes, the smoothness that followed indicating that Markus was using some sort of soap that somehow managed to not irritate Simon’s fragile skin. It was more solid and stern than Simon would’ve treated himself, but because it was Markus, he was relaxing nonetheless, and somehow he found himself leaning into the ocean’s touch as Markus washed his hair and kneaded his scalp with just enough pressure to make it therapeutic instead of painful.

We should do this more often, Markus said as he washed away the bubbles in Simon’s hair. As the water automatically avoided his eyes, Simon risked opening them and discovered that the water in the tub was still as clear as when it was first prepared. It is… more relaxing than I expected.

You’re doing most of the work.

Indeed I am.

This isn’t cumbersome?

Not when it’s you I’m serving. Come on, we’re finished here.

This was the first time Simon emerged from a bath completely dry immediately, saving him the trouble of dragging a towel across his skin and making himself all sweaty and annoyed, and it didn’t take long for him to get dressed despite the dull throbbing of his muscles and wounds thanks to Markus’ help, but he insisted to walk down the stairs himself even though he had to keep a vice-like grip on the sea’s arm because of course a staircase narrow as this didn’t have any railings. He made a beeline to the sofa and sank into its corner right before his legs gave out, and Markus joined him immediately afterwards and placed his arms around his shoulders. Drifting together at last, as things should be. Distantly, he heard Markus talking to someone with his physical voice, but it was all muffled and illegible to his exhausted mind, and it wasn’t until the ocean’s voice echoed in his mind that he woke up from the light doze he had fallen into.

I presume that you heard nothing.

And you are correct.

The arm around his shoulders tightened as Markus buried his nose into Simon’s hair. Are you up to going back to school?

Why?

They want your input in deciding your future education.

Simon was confused. They never listened to me before.

He could hear a smirk in Markus’ voice. They will now. Don’t worry, I’ll always be on your side.

[heyyyharry]

My Girl Series: Chapter 10 - Storm In A Teacup

…in which, breaking someone else’s heart is breaking your own.

Series description: Y/N falls in love with the older boy next door who doesn’t feel the same, years later they meet again at a funeral.

AU: actor!harry, older!harry, younger!y/n; (4-year age gap)

Chapter 9: Bambi - The little girl next door isn’t so little anymore.

Warning: a bit of smut (?), angst towards the end, plenty of mistakes perhaps?

.

In the next two weeks, sex was all there was to them. Most of the time they saw each other, somehow, for whatever reasons, it always ended with sex, like two teenagers falling in love for the first time. But they weren't teenagers, and it wasn't love, or at least not the kind that they'd experienced and heard of before. So the correct way to put it would be, a man and a woman trying to get close to each other without hurting themselves. And they were fine with that, at least for the moment.

It was just another lazy Saturday morning. Y/N had a day off and Harry was as busy as always. He had to be at the table read for his new film at 10AM. But there was plenty of time until then to bury himself inside of her for the second time in the shower.

Y/N's flat had become their new secret hideout, a place for them to strip bare and do all the things they wanted without caring about the rest of the world. Harry had stayed over so often that he now had his own toothbrush in her bathroom. That should be weird for two people who were only fucking. But strangely, it wasn't. They actually enjoyed each other's company, not just the mind-blowing sex.

"Oh, you're still here?" Y/N asked, leaning against the doorway with a glass of orange juice in her hand while watching Harry pour himself some black coffee. Her hair was damp from the shower and she was still in her bathrobe, but she enjoyed that view too much to go dry off and get changed. How could she ever get enough of watching a beautiful half-naked Harry drinking coffee in the middle of her kitchen? Impossible.

"What's so funny?"

"Nothing." She pressed her lips into a cheeky smile, shaking her head. "Shouldn't you be going to work?"

Harry looked at the clock on the wall and gave her a shrug. "It's still pretty early," he said, laughing slightly.

"Well, you shouldn't be late on your first day on set."

"We haven't got to filming yet, kid. The table read is basically where all the actors sit down together with the creators of the project to read the script and discuss their parts."

"Sounds fun."

"Boring actually. That's why I need coffee to stay awake." Then he brought his mug to where she stood and pinched her side after pecking her on the lips. It was weird that his tiny playful teasing was what turned her on the most.

"Are you getting a sex scene in this one?" She asked, watching him flop down on the couch and place his mug on her coffee table. His eyebrows furrowed in response to her question.

"Why?" He chuckled. "Are you jealous?"

"Curious." She rolled her eyes.

"Hmm." Harry crossed one leg, lifting an eyebrow as he leaned back to make himself more comfortable. "It's okay if you're jealous. I don't mind."

"Those sex scenes are fake anyway."

"But the kissing is real."

Laughing, she walked up to him and put her empty glass right by his coffee, and without warning, pressing him down on the sofa so she was now lying on top of him. Harry didn't need her to say the word. He quickly untied her bathrobe and cupped her face to kiss her hard on the mouth, biting her bottom lip as he teased, "I'm gonna kiss my co-star just like this."

"Do whatever you want," she said as a whisper. "I know no one can kiss you like I do."

"You're right, kid." He laughed hoarsely, nodding fast. "No one can."

When Harry moved in, Y/N trembled in reaction to the tenderness of his lips against her neck, which he knew would turn the key to her engine. There was something about her that kept him coming back for more. It wasn't just the sex, it was all the other things, like watching her sleep, making her breakfast, and kissing her good morning, and goodnight. He found joy in discovering little things that she loved, outside and inside the bedroom. And after the last two weeks, he thought he now knew her body like the back of his hand. He knew that once he kissed her neck, her resistance would come to dust. She could act as indifferent as she possibly could, but when he leaned in to caress her skin, slow and gentle, she would toss her head back, hands running through his hair, begging for more.

But before she could capture his mouth with her own, the doorbell caused Y/N to sit back up instantly. Harry parted his lips, meaning to ask if she was expecting someone, but he was interrupted by the loud voice in the hallway.

"Y/N! It's me, my love!"

"Shit." She quickly covered his mouth, eyes widened. "It's Celine."

"I thought she was in Boston?" Harry sat up straight as the girl flew right off the couch to tie the strings of her rope together.

"So did I! Quick! Hide!" She grabbed him by the arm, pulling him up.

"What do you—"

"Hurry!"

Y/N watched Harry dash into the kitchen, taking a deep breath as she quickly rushed to the door, knowing Celine might suspect something was off if she had to wait for too long. Fortunately, the tiny girl couldn't look past the composure her best friend was faking as she pulled Y/N into a tight hug and repeatedly said how happy she was that they finally got to hold each other again.

"Cece, what are you doing here?" Y/N pretended to laugh as she stepped aside, one hand holding the door for her friend to walk in, the other resting on her hip. Her heart was pounding hard when Celine scanned her eyes around the room to get used to the changes in the place. All Y/N could do at the moment was pray that her best friend would never discover the biggest "change" hiding in her kitchen.

"I wanted to surprise you!" Said the blue-eyed girl. "Amala couldn't come because she got an exam this week. Trust me, she really wants to be here."

That smile immediately dropped from Celine's face once she saw the half-finished coffee cup resting on the table. She'd known Y/N since they were nine, so every little habit Y/N had adapted and given up in all those years couldn't get past her. She knew too well that her friend could never take a sip of black coffee without cringing and spitting it out. And that was the moment she realized, something was definitely not normal.

"Is someone else here?" She asked Y/N, yet her eyes were fixed on the coffee cup. Y/N knew she could lie to anyone but Celine, so she just stayed quiet. But silence, in most cases, meant yes for an answer.

"Y/N!" Celine gasped, turning to her friend in an instant. "Are you having sex with your plumber again?"

"I never had sex with that guy!"

"Yes, you did!" Laughing, the shorter girl quickly rushed to the kitchen. Y/N tried to grab her, but she was too quick. "Pretty boy, I know you're in th—"

Now it was too late.

Y/N leaned against the doorway, sighing as she locked eyes with a startled Harry, who now felt extremely lucky that he'd got his boxers and wasn't standing there fully naked in front of the other girl.

"Hi." He cracked a smile at Celine, whose mouth and eyes were all wide opened. "Uh...You're taller than the last time we met."

"Un-fucking-believable..." Celine muttered under her breath and stormed right out of the kitchen, not taking one last look at either Harry or her guilty best friend. As for Y/N, she could only stay quiet, knowing whenever Celine chose silence over an argument, it was never a good sign.

Now Harry had no choice but to get dressed quickly and head straight to the front door without being asked to. There was just enough time for him to steal a quick goodbye kiss from his Bambi before going on his way, leaving the poor girl with an angry best friend to deal with.

The atmosphere in the flat had become much heavier now that Harry was gone, and Celine sat silently on the couch, staring at her phone. Heaving a sigh, Y/N came to sit down next to the girl, elbows resting on her knees, hands together, as she finally spoke, "are you mad at me?"

It took Celine two seconds to shake her head. "No. I'm just disappointed that you hid something like this from me."

"Will I be forgiven if I tell you everything now?"

Celine's eyes finally left the screen as she looked at her best friend, one brow arched. "Go on. I'm listening."

So Y/N ended up confessing everything to Celine, not leaving out one single detail from the night she got so drunk that she passed out at a bar, to her and Harry having sex in a car for the first time, and then, to that very morning, when Celine had to find out about their affair in the worst way she could never have imagined. When she was done, all that was left on her best friend's face was a huge question mark. Celine looked so confused, yet amused, and upset at the same time. Honestly, Y/N couldn't figure out what that look actually meant.

"Please don't yell at me," she mumbled, hands clasped together in front of her chest.

But Celine only snorted. "I'm not going to," she said at last. "Look, I'm just a third person standing outside looking in, I cannot judge you or even tell you what to do. So I respect your decision no matter how dumb it is. I hope you know what you're doing though."

"I do."

"Alright then..." Celine giggled, pulling her best friend closer so their foreheads were together and they were eye to eye. "I'm gonna be there and support you, no matter what."

"Just like from the start?"

"Just like from the start."

So despite the awkward situation with Harry, the girls carried on with their day together as if nothing had happened. They decided to stay in and do all the things they used to do when they were still in high school, like taking turns painting nails or braiding each other's hair, meanwhile Y/N would share her craziest book ideas to Celine, who would just laugh and try to elaborate and create even more insane ideas. But they had a lot of fun, and soon it was time for the girls to make dinner. That day, Celine volunteered to be the chef and prepare a big fine meal for her best friend, who would just burn the whole kitchen down if she ever attempted to cook.

"Oh my god, are you making fish stew?"

"Yes, your favorite." Celine chuckled when Y/N hugged her from behind. "Just like how your mother taught me."

The taller girl breathed out a laugh as she shook her head. "You should be her daughter, not me."

"Shit!" Celine cursed loudly and turned to widen her eyes at a confused Y/N. "Do you have green onion here?"

"Why would I have green onion if I never cook?"

"I forgot to buy it." Pouting, Celine released a sigh. "Don't worry. I can manage without green onion."

"No! You cannot make fish stew without it!" Y/N scoffed as she put on her jacket, typing down a quick text before putting her phone back on the counter. "I'm gonna run to the grocery."

"Okay. But hey, bring your umbrella. I think it's going to rain," said Celine with her back facing the kitchen entrance, not knowing that her best friend had already left.

.

.

.

⌲ Bambi: Gotta go to the grocery. Be back in 15 mins.

It had been forty minutes since Harry received that text from Y/N. He knew he shouldn't be worried, she could be doing something with Celine and forget to text him back. But deep down inside he had a very bad feeling about this, like he was sure something bad was going to happen. It was never a good idea to act on a hunch. But all of a sudden, one of the director's assistants rushed into the room, and told everyone at the table that it was raining so hard outside that she couldn't go out to buy them coffee. That was all it took for Harry to rise from his seat.

There were ten minutes left until the read through was over, so he excused himself to go first, saying it was an emergency. Since he was the main actor, the directors decided to just let everyone else leave early as well. Harry was the first to run out of the door, yet he was stopped in the hallway when a co-star called out his name.

Breathless, he turned around. It was Madeline Grey — the actress who played his love interest in this new film. He knew Niall was obsessed with her, and if Niall had been there he would've called Harry an idiot for wanting to walk away when Madeline tried to start a conversation with him. However, he had his priorities.

"I really gotta run. Can we talk some other time?"

"Oh okay. How about dinner?" The girl giggled. "Getting to know each other can be a great way to build chemistry for our characters."

"I'm really sorry, I—"

"Why say no now when you can just think about it?" She cut him off before he could finish, pressing her red lips into a smirk. "Just think about it, and call me?"

Without answering that question, Harry turned his heels and kept on walking.

.

.

.

It wasn't so long after Y/N had carried her grocery bag out of the store that the gentle-tapping of the rain on her arms and shoulders grabbed her full attention. She looked up, eyebrows furrowed as the sky turned dark and pillows of heavy grey clouds gathering above London as if to swallow the city as a whole. The girl muttered a curse word under her breath and walked faster to get home before it started to pour. But from what she'd learned from two years living in London, the sky never showed mercy.

In just a minute, there came the rain — the type that got everyone wet just as they took the first step outside. With one arm above her head and the other clutching the paper bag, Y/N quickened her paces, her stubbornness told her she could make it home no matter how hard it was pouring. But it was hard to figure out the way home when you were drowning in an ocean of mist.

The screeching of car tires on the road made Y/N scream as she dashed to the right in fear of being run over. Thanks to the treacherously wet pavement, she soon lost her balance and fell into a massive puddle. The pain got Y/N's head spinning in a second, yet she soon regained her composure and propped up on her hands and knees to pick up her grocery bag. With struggle, she managed to get back on her feet and take cover on the doorstep of a closed store nearby. Her jacket had given up on keeping her body dry a while ago. But the discomfort of having drenched clothes on couldn't compare to the pain of a sprained ankle.

Y/N sat on the step, the wet paper bag placed by her side. She cuffed up the hems of her jeans to see how bad the injury was. It didn't look awful, but it would be a miracle for her to walk home on her own now. On the spur of the moment, Y/N searched for her phone to call the first person she could think of — Harry. She knew he would come and save her if she called.

Unfortunately, Y/N didn't even have her phone there. She left it at home when she went out, assuming that she would return in less than twenty minutes. But on the bright side, if she'd had it there, it would've been soaked and broken anyway.

"Why do bad things always happen to me?!" Y/N cried out, thinking no one could hear or even see her behind the thick white curtain of water.

However, somebody did show up for her.

"Smiley?"

At first, Y/N thought she was having a hallucination, that she was desperate to have someone around so she ended up imagining him. But when the man dropped down on his knees and looked her in the eyes, she knew it was impossible for her mind to fake a color blue that seemed so real.

"Why are you always crying in the street?" Isaac chuckled lowly and laid his umbrella down. Gently and carefully, he picked up her right foot to examine her sprained ankle, looking genuinely concerned about her pain as if it was his own.

"Aren't you supposed to be in Rome right now?" She finally asked, her voice trembling from the chill running down her spine.

"I just got back yesterday." Isaac looked up to give the girl a reassuring smile. "Do you think you can still walk?"

"I can try."

Her answer made him laugh. She didn't know why it was funny, probably because he could already guess what she was gonna say when he asked that question. Knowing Y/N, Isaac believed that even if her leg was broken, she would never admit that she couldn't walk on her own. So he picked up the umbrella, handing it to the girl and telling her to hold it for him.

"Get on my back," Isaac said, still on his knees as he turned around.

"What?" Y/N chuckled, thinking he was only joking. But he seemed so serious.

"Who knows how long the rain's gonna last? You can't sit here forever."

"But...I'm gonna get you soaked."

"I'll be soaked eventually." He shrugged, turning his head to smile at her. "C'mon, Smiley. You can be stubborn later when you're safe and dry."

As much as Y/N didn't want to be a burden to Isaac, she thought he did have a point. Her ankle would just get worse if she didn't apply some ice onto it, and the rain looked like it could last forever. Eventually, she heaved a sigh and leaned forward to wrap her arms around his neck, one hand holding the umbrella above their heads, the other clutching the dripping grocery bag. Isaac picked her up without much effort, and just like that, they headed out in the rain.

The downfall was gradually becoming less heavy as he kept on walking, now as calming as the beating of her heart. Just a moment ago she was shivering from the cold, but now, on his back, she began to feel warm again. Isaac was no longer dry because the water from her clothes was soaking through his sweater and dripping down his jeans. Though he kept telling her to stop apologizing, she still couldn't help but feel guilty.

"If I'm too heavy you can put me down," she said.

The sound of his laugh was so relaxing when mixed with the tapping of the raindrops on the pavements.

"You're the lightest thing I've ever carried."

"Such a good liar." She rolled her eyes, smiling to herself. "But why did you come back? I thought you were gonna be in Italy for six months."

"Well...I asked for a couple weeks off. My little brother's in the hospital."

"Oh no." Y/N gasped. "Is he okay?"

"He is now. He just had an appendicitis surgery the other day."

"How long is he gonna be in the hospital?"

"Probably a month."

Y/N frowned in response to the sadness in his voice. Sighing, she said, "I'm so sorry."

"He's fine, don't you worry." His voice was as warm as the heat radiating from his body. "I needed a reason to come back anyway."

What followed right after that sentence was absolute silence that remained for the rest of the way back to her block. The rain had ceased by the time they arrived, so Y/N folded Isaac's umbrella and leaned in closer to tighten her arms around his neck for more support. She thought he might feel her grip because he let out a soft laugh and just kept on walking.

As both were preoccupied, they didn't notice the black car parked on the other side of the road. From there, through the rain, Harry could see everything. He gripped onto the steering wheel as his heart pained in reaction to what he had to witness. Maybe the downpour was just over for the other two, but for him, it had only just begun.

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.

.

"Baby! Oh god, you're safe!"

Celine pulled Y/N into a tight hug, not caring that her best friend was soaking wet. If Y/N hadn't pulled away, Celine might've already squeezed all the air out of her.

"I was so worried I almost went out to look for y—" The tiny girl paused halfway when she noticed the handsome stranger standing right there. She knew who he was because Y/N had shown her a couple photos of him before. But he looked so different in person, he was taller and much more attractive, so attractive that Celine needed a moment to remember how to breathe properly.

"This is my best friend, Celine. Celine, this is—"

"Isaac!" The girl squealed in excitement as she grabbed his hand, shaking it with much enthusiasm. It was only then that she finally noticed how Y/N was soaked from head to toes but Isaac's sweater was the only thing on his body that was really wet. "Wait." She gasped loudly, gripping onto Y/N's arm. "What happened?"

"I fell and sprained my ankle," Y/N mumbled, glancing at Isaac. "He carried me on his back all the way back here."

"What?! Oh my god! Poor baby! Let's get you dried off and I'll put some ice on your ankle, yeah?" Celine wrapped both arms around her best friend's waist to help her walk into the living room. But as Isaac turned to leave, she stopped him right in his tracks. "Where are you going? Come in."

The man widened his eyes, pointing at himself. "Me?"

"Yeah. Who else, silly?" Celine scoffed when she saw the look on both Isaac's and her best friend's face. "Y/N, you're gonna let him walk home after he gave you a piggyback ride all the way home in the rain?"

Y/N turned to look at Isaac, smiling apologetically when she saw rainwater dripping down from his sweater onto the hardwood floor.

"Do you wanna stay for dinner?" She finally asked him.

"I don't wanna bother you two."

"Not at all!" Celine jumped in, laughing loudly. "I've made plenty of food for all three of us."

"But..."

"Your shirt?" She rolled her eyes. "Come on in. We'll blow dry the shit out of it and it'll be good as new."

.

.

.

Y/N couldn't remember the last time she sat down at a table and had a decent dinner on her own, let alone with other people. The girl couldn't cook, so she would just go out every night, or order some food to eat right on her sofa. Of course, living alone had plenty of benefits for someone who enjoyed being alone like herself. However, sometimes it did feel kind of lonely. When her mum was still alive, she always had a great home-cooked dinner every single night. Though her parents would just kill the mood by not talking to each other or arguing over something with her sitting right there, at least they were together, and Y/N wasn't alone. So to be honest, she did miss nights like that.

But now, while the soft rain was tapping on her window, she sat at the table full of nice food, laughing with two of her friends, and the three of them really looked like a happy family. At that moment, she had thought about inviting Harry over, because it wasn't the same without him, but then she remembered that she couldn't. It would be extremely awkward for him to show up there and sit at the same table with his 'used-to-be-best-friend' Isaac, and Celine wasn't a very big fan of him, if at all. So Y/N texted Harry to ask if he was home yet, just to be sure that he was safe from the rain, but what she received wasn't a reply, it was one disappointing little word — read.

With eyes fixed on her phone, the anxious girl tried to listen to the conversation between Isaac and her best friend while waiting for three dots to appear in the chat box. But all she got was nothing. He didn't answer.

Despite knowing it would seem like she was desperate if she double-texted him to demand a reply, Y/N couldn't stop herself from doing it anyway. She ended up sending not only the second text, but also the third, and the forth.

⌲ Why didn't you answer my text? :(

⌲ H?

⌲ Call me when you're free.

This time, he left her on read...again.

Putting her phone down, the girl pinched the bridge of her nose, wondering why she was acting that way. She was being immature and impulsive over a couple messages, like a teenage girl being obsessed with the guy who didn't text her back. Harry didn't have the responsibility to report all the things he did to her, because they were nothing more than friends who fucked. But now she began to question herself — was it just that simple for her?

"Y/N!"

The knife collided with the floor as Y/N flinched and shot her head up to make eye contact with her best friend, causing Celine to raise an eyebrow in confusion.

"Oh my god, what's wrong with you? I called your name three times!"

"Sorry, I was just...texting my dad."

The answer made Celine frown, so apparently, she believed that was true.

"Oh sweetie, is it about the wedding again?"

"Yeah, but never mind. I left him on read."

Faking a smile, Y/N picked up the knife to go get herself a new one. Meanwhile, Celine continued to ask Isaac about his new job in Italy, after following him on Instagram and asking him to do the same to her.

"Oh my god, you're kind of famous on social media! Y/N, look!" She squealed and grabbed Y/N's arm when the girl returned to her seat. "Do you know how many likes there are on that one photo of you?"

"Oh, the photo at the exhibition?" Y/N chuckled when her best friend showed her the post. She turned to look at Isaac and the man's face reddened all at once. "I didn't know you posted it." She smiled, and he did too.

"I post all of my works on Instagram."

"Oh, oh!" Celine literally bounced in her chair. "If you post a story with us in it, maybe we'll get many new followers!"

"Cece!"

"What?" The girl glared at her best friend. "Wait, I forgot, your Instagram is dead. But hey, I still need to stay relevant."

Celine's enthusiasm made Isaac laugh as he pulled out his phone and asked her how she wanted to show up in his story.

"Here," said the happy girl as she quickly rearranged the table so it wouldn't look like a mess on camera. "You pretend to film this table full of food and 'accidentally' get a nice shot of my face in it!"

Y/N rolled her eyes as she moved her chair aside so Isaac could film Celine, but the blue-eyed girl was quick to clutch onto the arm of the chair and pull her best friend back in.

"Baby, if I showed up alone on his insta story, his fangirls would kill me." She rolled her eyes, locking an arm around Y/N's shoulders so she couldn't escape, leaving her no other choice but to stay there and smile at Isaac.

"Only on my—"

"On your good side." He chuckled, shaking his head and holding up his phone. "I got it."

"Good." She nodded, raising a smile in response.

.

.

.

Harry was bored, really bored.

If he knew that dinner "date" with Madeline Grey would be so boring, he wouldn't have agreed to come. He'd actually thought a lot about calling it off when he was driving to that restaurant, but his mind didn't let him do it. As his heart screamed no, that stubborn voice inside his head told him yes, because if Y/N could spend time alone with Isaac, he should go out with someone else too. That was a mindset of a teenage boy, not a 24-year-old man, he knew that, still he didn't fight it and listened to that voice anyway. He was trying to prove that he could do just fine without Y/N, but to whom? her, or himself? Right now, he was leaning towards the latter option more. And he was actually failing, because all he could think about was his Bambi.

Madeline had a lot of to talk about, but not a single thing she'd been saying could keep Harry entertained. He knew it wasn't fair to call her boring when he was the reason she had to do all of the talking on their "date". He didn't even bother to try and initiate the conversation. It was impossible to enjoy that dinner when his brain kept making comparisons between this girl and his girl. Everything was just different with Y/N.

She always knew how to keep the conversation going without ranting about how many expensive pair of shoes she'd got in her closet. She could talk about the universe and aliens and make those topics the most interesting things in the world. Harry assumed it might be because she was a writer at heart so she saw the world from a kaleidoscope rather than the world as it was. And while thinking of her, he cracked a smile, making Madeline think he was actually interested in hearing about her trip to Bali last summer.

A couple more texts popped up on the screen, grabbing Harry's full attention when he saw the name.

⌲ Bambi: Why didn't you answer my text? :(

⌲ Bambi: H?

⌲ Bambi: Call me when you're free.

"Harry!"

"Huh?"

"Have you been listening to me?"

"Of course!" He chuckled nervously. "You were talking about your trip to Bali?"

"Yes!" Her face brightened up.

Now that Harry finally looked her in the eyes, he noticed how they were almost the same color as Y/N's, only a shade lighter. Of course, they could never compare to the perfect color of her Bambi eyes. But he shouldn't be thinking about her again. He really had to stop.

So for the next couple minutes, Harry tried to pay attention to Madeline talking about how she'd lost her diamond earring while tanning on the beach, but once a notification got his phone buzzing, he had to grab it really quick to see if it was another text from Y/N. Sadly, it wasn't. It was an alert from Instagram that let him know Isaac had just posted a new story. He was rarely on social media anyway, so putting Isaac and Niall on notification would help him never miss a single post of his two best friends since they did a lot of self-promo on their accounts. However, right now, a part of him kind of regretted checking Isaac's latest story.

It was a short clip that showed a table full of food. Harry didn't need to see Celine and Y/N in it to recognize the kitchen in which he watched her dance in her underwear every single night before bed. A little part of him wanted to leave the restaurant and drive all the way there to demand to speak to her, but that was just an impulsive thought that lit up and died out in a split second.

He wasn't invited to a dinner with her best friend, but Isaac did.

So what?

Y/N didn't have the responsibility to include him in every single moment of her life because they weren't actually together. She wasn't his and he wasn't hers, no strings attached. He kept telling himself all of those things, only to grip onto his napkin and fake a smile to swallow down his anxiety. At last, he chose to ignore her texts and carried on with his "date night", even though it smelt just as bad as the special dish he'd ordered out of boredom.

.

.

.

"Oooh, I got ten new followers in five minutes!" Celine clapped her hands while staring at her phone on the table, and her elation got both Isaac and Y/N burst out laughing. But the laughter in the small kitchen soon faded away at the same time with the wide grin on Celine's face. The tiny girl picked up her phone as she clenched her other fist, now staring intensely at the screen.

"What is it? Let me see?"

When Y/N reached out to grab the phone from Celine, the girl smacked her hand away immediately.

"It's nothing!" She blurted out, making Y/N confused.

"What? You got hate messages from Isaac's fans or something?"

Y/N's joke made Isaac laugh as well, but Celine didn't join them. She held the phone close to her chest and quickly finished what was left on her plate so that her mouth was full and she didn't need to answer any more question. At that very moment, Isaac also received a notification. He quickly read whatever it was that somebody had sent to him, then his eyes grew wide — the same reaction as Celine. Now Y/N had a feeling that she was the only one there who didn't know what was going on.

Taking in a deep breath, she held out her hand and demanded her best friend to hand the phone over. Celine shook her head fast with her mouth still full, yet Y/N furrowed her eyebrows, this time looking much more upset. So her little friend had no other choice but to hand her the phone.

The second Y/N saw the post with her own eyes, she instantly wished she had never asked.

Pictures of Harry walking side by side with a pretty actress were all over the internet, as well as the ones of them having dinner together in a fancy restaurant. Those pictures were definitely recent, because Y/N could recognize that coat he was wearing which she'd just made fun of the night before. Now that she knew where he was and what he was doing, and whom with. She finally understood why he'd been ignoring her messages.

It took Y/N a moment to calm down and look up to see both Isaac and Celine staring at her. So she plastered a fake smile on her face and said, "I don't see why people are so obsessed with other people's business."

Celine rocked slightly in her chair as she made eye-contact with Isaac, pursing her lips awkwardly. They both knew that Y/N was trying to act like she was okay, when in reality, she was never good at concealing her true emotions.

"Stupid rumors...right?" Celine scoffed, snatching her phone away from her best friend's hand. "I mean, they weren't even holding hands."

That comment was supposed to make Y/N feel better, but what she knew that Celine didn't was, Harry would only hold hands on a date if it was for PR. So him walking so far from the girl didn't actually mean they were just friends, and Y/N hated herself for having reached that far. After all, those were just photos. He was a celebrity after all, and he could hang out with other celebrities if he wanted to. He didn't have to tell her everything since he wasn't her boyfriend. They weren't exclusive.

Sadly, maybe a part of her wanted them to be.

Now that Y/N wasn't in the mood to joke anymore, the dinner ended soon. While Celine was cleaning the table, Y/N came to the door to say goodbye to Isaac after he'd insisted on her staying in her seat because her ankle was still in pain. But Y/N knew if she was left alone even for just a second, she would burst into tears, and that was the last thing she needed at the moment. Therefore, she held onto the last couple minutes left with Isaac before he went away, just to keep herself preoccupied for a couple minutes more.

After thanking him for everything, she pulled him into a hug. But this time, Isaac did hold her a bit longer than usual; and Y/N knew he could already see what she refused to admit to herself.

"You're okay, right?" He whispered into her ear, one hand at the back of her head.

Tightening her arms around his waist, Y/N only gave him a slight nod. Now that he couldn't see her face, she could finally let a frown appear.

"Why wouldn't I be?" She snorted. But both of them knew it was just another lie. Slowly, Y/N backed away and kept a considerable distance from the man, leaning against the doorway for support so she wouldn't torture her poor ankle.

"Hey, about your brother," she began, shyly tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. "Uhm...is it okay if I tag along the next time you visit him? I can buy him milkshake or sweets, whatever he prefers."

Isaac put on a smile when he heard that. "You don't have to get him anything."

"I want to though." The girl rolled her eyes, exhaling a soft laugh. "I mean, that's the least I can do after what you did for me."

"Okay." He lifted his shoulders, hands shoved into his pockets. "But let's wait until your ankle gets better."

"You can carry me to the hospital."

"Sure, if that's what you want."

His answer made her jaw drop. She poked his shoulder, laughing lightly. "I was joking!"

"So was I." Isaac gave her a lop-sided grin. "Next time you get on my back, you'll get charged like everyone else."

"Haha. Hilarious." Y/N crossed her arms, biting back a smile.

"Goodnight, Smiley," Isaac said, placing a hand at the back of her head to pull her for a forehead kiss. She didn't mind him doing that because he used to do it every time they said goodbye before he left for Italy. She had to thank him actually, because for a second there, she actually felt happy.

"Goodnight," she said, waving goodbye to the man and watching him head down the stairs until he was completely out of sight. With another sigh, the girl dragged her painful foot into her flat and locked the front door, telling herself that maybe a cup of tea couldn't help her sleep well tonight.

.

.

.

As a child Y/N used to have trouble sleeping alone, the darkness worried her, and her great imagination wasn't so useful in this case for all she could think about were the types of monsters lurking under her bed. But now she embraced it. She loved lying in the dark and listening to her own breathing, thinking about her castle on the clouds. She'd grown to enjoy sleeping alone, because, without the presence of another, she could cry all she wanted to if she must.

Right now, she couldn't.

She lied perfectly still under her warm bed covers with Celine spooning her like Harry had done many the nights before. She was almost holding back her breath in fear that if she made a tiny sound, her best friend would just jump right in to make comments about what had happened at the dinner table. But same as Isaac, when Celine broke the silence, she only asked how Y/N was feeling at the moment.

"I'm fine." There came another lie. "After all, we're only fucking. I've done this all the time."

"But never with someone you used to love." Those words hit Y/N extremely hard on the head, causing her to exhale harshly, yet she remained silent for Celine to fill in that awkward pause. "It's 'used to', right?"

Right?

Y/N wanted to say yes, but instead, she said, "I think I'm gonna end it..."

The first response she received from Celine was a long and sorrowful sigh. She felt her best friend shift a little bit, arms tightened around her waist to pull her closer. Then Celine finally nodded to agree with that decision. She said, "I don't want to see fourteen-year-old Y/N pining over the boy next door again."

Somehow, those soft words punched a massive hole right through Y/N's chest. She didn't say anything else and lie there with her eyes wide open, waiting for her whole body to feel exhausted so she would just drift away without knowing.

Half an hour later, Celine was already soundly asleep, yet Y/N was still staring at the clock on the wall. She thought about a lot of things, most of which were the things her best friend had said. It was only when the phone on her nightstand lit up with a new message that she finally fell back to reality. In an instant, she grabbed the device and checked the message she'd just received.

It was from him.

⌲ H: Bambi are you there?

Then came another.

⌲ H: I miss you.

He missed her. He said he missed her. But this time, she didn't believe it. How could one person really miss you when they were with another? Maybe what he meant was "I miss your body", "I miss having sex with you". Maybe that would make more sense than him actually missing her. Maybe she was overreacting. Maybe this shouldn't matter.

But it still did.

A lot.

It hurt her to see him with someone else.

A lot.

She guessed Celine was right after all. She couldn't go back to being that fourteen-year-old who kept on pining over the boy next door who didn't feel the same. This had got to stop. If she was going to be selfish, she must be the one who ended this in order to save herself.  

.

.

.

As Harry stepped out in the street, he folded both arms to hug himself the same way his Bambi would if she was there. This time, he was all alone, cold in the night. His date had ended with the girl asking for a kiss goodnight and him turning her down to keep it 'strictly business'. She did seem pretty confused because if he didn't want to be romantically involved with her, why did he agree to go out with her in the first place? Honestly, he didn't get it either. At that point, he'd already given up on trying to understand himself, knowing he couldn't.

So he walked back to his car, which was parked a couple blocks away from the restaurant. With his head hung low, he didn't look at the night sky like he used to ever since that night in Holmes Chapel. But somehow, he still thought about her. He always did when the night came.

Going faster, Harry tried to stop the image of her from flashing inside his messed up mind, but now she was everywhere.

Everywhere.

The scent of her perfume lingered in the air, making him chase down a stranger and calling out her name only to be disappointed when the girl turned around and was a different person. Embarrassed, he apologized for his careless mistake and turned to walk in the opposite direction, not knowing where he was going, but he just needed to keep on walking. Maybe he was just being stupid, maybe he was overreacting. But a storm in a teacup was still a storm. And he wanted her so much that he had turned selfish and couldn't stand seeing her laughing with another man.

Taking a deep breath, he stopped by a brick wall and stood with his back against it, pulling out his phone. She hadn't sent him any other messages after he'd left her on read twice. So he pondered for a moment, tapping his foot impatiently then finally typed down something.

⌲ Bambi are you there?

Read.

⌲ I miss you.

Read. Again.

This time, he held his breath, waiting for a little bit more. His hand was shaking and his heart was pounding like it was going to burst right out of his chest. Then three little dots appeared, giving him so much hope, but the reply he received ripped the beating organ right out of his lifeless body.

⌲ Bambi: I don't think we should keep doing this. Please don't text or call me again.

Harry stared at that one text for so long that he almost forgot how to breathe. Those words hung over him like a black cloud, raining on him, soaking him in his own sorrow. And there he stood on the side of the road, head tossed back, gasping for air like a fish out of water, wondering to himself why it was called a heartache when his entire body and soul was aching too.

Frantically, Harry searched in his coat for the little pack he knew was still there because he kept forgetting to throw it away. Then he found a lighter in the back pocket of his jeans.

With a sigh, he lit a cigarette.

[plague-of-insomnia]

So Andre suggested I post my serial original fiction, In/Exhale, on AO3.

The thing is, I wrote season 1 in like 2012, and it was the first time I had tried to write the story for a public audience... so I would have a huge urge to re-write/Re-edit it (again)... but I honestly don’t really have the time/energy for that.

Would anyone be interested in reading it via AO3?

(In its current state. You can read it via free downloadable ebook on my site right now.)

It’s on on-going series, with three complete seasons so far, probably like 300-500K words.

I know several of you expressed interest in reading some of my original work. When I asked that question I wasn’t thinking of I/E, but it is a story very close to my heart.

Here is some info about the story from my website:

Here’s a tiny excerpt from the first episode (abridged):

Kai tried to bite back the wave of regret that swept over him. Sure, he’d lost a few years, but that was behind him. He had a future now, one he hadn’t thought would be possible, and he needed to focus on that. He’d put the past firmly behind him, and focus on the now, on the possibilities ahead of him instead. And none of these people had to know any of it, if he could help it.

It only took a few minutes to reach the third floor, and Kai shuffled out behind a couple of cute girls. He wondered if he could ever bring himself to get close to someone again. Not just in bed--he had Nikki for that, and what they had was incredible--in fact, he planned on seeing her tonight after his classes. But growing up as an orphan in a home, he'd always dreamed of having a family someday. A wife whom he loved, and who loved him, some kids. Most of his life that had been as big a fantasy as flying, but then he'd met Becca. Becca, who he'd thought could maybe be the one, who would stick with him despite everything.

Kai felt his hands balling into fists as he wandered down the hall for his first class. New start, new start, he thought, fighting his fingers' instinct to sign the words as he finally found room 312, shuffling in behind a few other students.

Room 312 was one of the large auditorium-style lecture halls on campus, with stadium seating leading up in tiered rows, divided into three sections by stairs. It was still early; class didn't start for at least another twenty minutes, so plenty of seats lay empty. Kai glanced at the front row, where there were gaps obviously intended for wheelchairs and sighed despite himself before turning his attention to the stairs and the far top back of the room. Troy had told him to push himself as far as he reasonably could, and although he had avoided stairs as a general rule for most of his life, he decided to give them a try.

Without his crutches or a handrail it was harder than it could have been, and halfway up Kai debated stopping. But he'd been trapped at the bottom of rooms like this so often in his life, and the thrill of his breath coming so easily even as his exhalations and inhalations grew quicker and shallower, encouraged him to keep going.

When he finally reached the top, he collapsed in the first available seat, staring down and reveling in his achievement. He knew it was silly, and it wasn't like he'd ever seen a mountain, but he realized this must be what it felt like to climb one and look down, admiring the view, knowing what you did to earn it. It wasn't the most practical seat for various reasons.

Kai was so lost in his own thoughts he hadn't realized a girl had sat down beside him. It was her aroma that got him first; one of the things Kai had enjoyed most since he'd been extubated post-transplant was getting his sense of smell back. She smelled delicate and floral; he couldn't quite place the exact scent, but it was subtle and lovely. A body spray, perhaps, instead of a perfume. Certainly not pungent enough to provoke an attack if this had been before.

When he turned his head, he realized she'd been staring at him, and for a moment, he grew nervous. Had his collar dipped or come undone and she could see his trache scar? He knew it was creepy looking, especially if you'd never seen anything like it before. Reflexively, he brought his fingers to his neck, and maybe she sensed she'd been staring, because she blinked, shook her head, and smiled.

"Sorry." She cleared her throat. "I'm Renee Poche," she said. Her voice was soft and sweet like her scent; clearly, she wasn't from the Midwest.

"Kai Fox," he replied, offering his hand, reluctantly dropping it from his throat.

She smiled. God, she had a beautiful smile. She was petite; it was hard to tell how tall now that they were sitting, but it was yet another indication that she wasn't from around here. Her hair was dark--almost black--and curly. Kai didn't know much about women, but it looked natural, her thick tendrils perfectly framing her face in a managed chaos he found entrancing despite the fact that Becca also had curly hair.

"That's an unusual name. You a freshman?" She asked as she pulled a notebook and pen out of her bag.

Kai flushed slightly, realizing how silly it was for his body to react this way. "Yeah." He couldn't manage to say more than that.

She flipped her desk out and laid her supplies on it, smiling the whole time. "I'm an architecture student, so my program's five years. I'm a second-year right now. But I put off most of my core classes last year, so here I am."

Kai grinned despite himself. He wanted to touch her curls, feel their softness on his skin, never stop smelling her unique floral scent. His stomach churned and he knew immediately he wanted to know more about her--everything. Suddenly, his chest grew tight, and his face paled. No. This hadn't happened since. . . . Reflexively, he dropped his hand to his right pocket, feeling the inhaler beneath his palm.

"You OK?" Her face was so concerned and sincere, and she'd reached for him, placing a warm, tiny hand on his arm.

He stared at it, forced himself to take a few slow breaths, realizing he was OK. They'd experimentally grafted the most important nerves, so he had more sensation than most transplant patients, but it was different than before, something he was still getting used to. The tightness could have been his imagination. How was it that this girl he hardly knew, whom he'd just met, could make him feel so off kilter? He eased his lips into a smile to reassure her and give backing to his words.

"Yeah. Sorry." He swallowed. "First day jitters, I guess," he added with a bit of a blush.

She laughed, a musical, lilting sound that made him grateful for his hearing. "So what classes are you taking this semester?"

Kai thought a moment. "World History I, English Comp, Intro to Philosophy, Intro to Psych."

The professor had arrived and was setting up for the lecture, writing "World History I, H101, MILLER" on the white board.

"Me too," she said. "I mean, I have those same classes. We should sit together in them, too."

Kai felt a warm flutter in his stomach. "I'd like that."

Renee looked as if she were about to say something else when the professor cleared his throat and began to speak. He was a short, chubby, bearded man, or perhaps his height was an illusion created by the distance, dressed almost stereotypically in khakis, simple button-up, and tartan sportscoat with brown patches on the elbows.

"Welcome, ladies and gentleman, to World History I. This course will fulfill your common curriculum requirement, but only if you study hard and pass my exams."

Kai knew he should be taking notes, but he'd nearly forgotten himself, so entranced by Renee, so he fumbled for his bag to grab a notebook and his own pen. It could have been his imagination, but she seemed to be casting glances at him every few minutes, smiling the entire time.

"Many people ask, 'why study history?'" Professor Miller leaned on his podium as if he were studying the class, taking everyone in one by one. With nearly three-hundred students in this section, there was no way he could know them all, and Kai knew he and Renee were just two in a sea of faces. "Of course, the easy answer is 'because then we're doomed to repeat it.' However, I think life is far more complicated than that."Professor Miller abandoned his podium and crossed so he was nearer to the first row of students, laying one arm across his stomach and balancing his opposite elbow in the palm of his hand, supporting his chin on his fist. "I believe that the past, however behind us it may seem, is never truly gone." Miller again searched the faces in the crowd, and for a split moment, despite being dozens of feet away, Kai felt as if their eyes met, and his pulse quickened, nervous, but not sure exactly why. He glanced over at Renee, partially so he didn’t have to look at the professor, and partially to simply steal a peek at her. She had her head bent over her paper, as if she were taking notes, but he could see from here her page was blank.

"The past is always a part of us, and as much as we may like to forget that, not only can't we, we mustn't." Professor Miller nodded his head, then turned his back on the audience.

Kai knew Miller wasn’t speaking to him, couldn’t be speaking to him, but why did his words feel so personal? And why couldn’t one forget the past? Kai had done it before, shifting dark memories into the deep recesses of his brain, never talked about, never thought about. Why should now be any different?

[purplesurveys]

945

A Survey For College/Uni Grads Survey by emptyspaces

What year did you graduate? 2020. It’s only been a little over a month, too.

What degree do you have? Journalism, but I might as well have had a minor in history because of the amount of history electives I took as well haha.

What classes did you take your first year? The first semester of my first year was purely for general courses, so I took basic courses on English, biology, math, philosophy, and Philippine history. By the second semester I took more basic courses on public speaking, physics, and social science, but by then I was already allowed to take two journalism majors.

Second year? My general courses included a basic course on art history, chemistry, English, Filipino, Asian history; my majors were on communication and media, news reporting, media law, media theory, journalism ethics, and an introductory course on broadcast communication.

Third year? The only general courses I had by this point were an intro to political science and a class on Philippine government and politics. I mostly took majors this year though, which wiped me the crap out: my majors were on media and society, feature writing, public relations, international relations, fact-checking, broadcast management, Southeast Asian history, and introductory courses on macroeconomics, film, psychology, and communication research.

Fourth year? I took up journalism design and layout, contemporary Philippine history, Philippine social history, pornography in media just because lol, an introductory course on anthropology, and I also got started on my thesis as well. My second and final semester got cancelled entirely because of the pandemic, but I would have finished units on business reporting, online journalism, community press, and the history of women in the Philippines.

Did it take you longer than four years to graduate? No. That would have disappointed my parents big time and considering how much effort they’ve put to send me to good schools, the least I could do was to graduate on time. Even if I wanted to shift out of my course, it would’ve led to a delay and I didn’t want that for them and I personally didn’t want that for myself either.

Did you start at 18, or did you have a gap year(s) after high school? Again, I didn’t want to take gap years for my parents’ sake. I immediately went to college right after graduating high school, like what the majority of students here do.

Was it a small or large college/university? Very large. The competition is even bigger – 100,000++ high school seniors take the entrance exam every year but they only take in around 10,000 passers. Still, 10,000 new students every school year is so many, and it’s always a bitch to get class slots because of our population.

Public or private? Public. 

Is there anything the school is well-known for? All sorts of things. It’s one of the top schools in the country, so we hog the spotlight in the national news pretty much everyday. I think the biggest things we’re known for though is our reputation for research and our activism history. It also makes us a popular target of pro-government trolls.

What were some of your favorite classes? I loved taking up art studies and all of my political science and history electives, and as for my journalism electives I really only enjoyed public relations and that one class where we ran an online magazine for a whole semester.

What were some classes you hated? Fucking economics. And fact-checking. And the fact that I took both in the same period...got my lowest average for that semester because of those classes, too. I feel like I would have done better if my economics class didn’t have a population of 200 and if I had a more experienced professor fact-checking but shit happens, I guess. I also felt like my porn class was a waste because the readings were so pretentious. And of course, philosophy.

Did you have any super-long classes? Like 3 hours or longer? All majors in my college are 3 hours long. So classes like PR, journalism ethics, feature writing, business reporting, media law, communication theory, etc. all definitely took a big chunk of my weekdays.

Did you ever change your major? No. I had multiple conversations with myself to decide if I should, but aside from not wanting to get delayed I also accepted the fact that as much as I had grown to not like journalism as a practice, the technical skills taught in it were still going to be super useful in the industry I want to get into, which is communications and PR.

Did you do any internships? If so, where? I did. I interned at a PR agency last year but it was part of my requirements to complete my course, so it felt forced to an extent. I’m currently interning at another PR agency, but this time I’m out of school and it’s a personal choice of mine.

Did you ever take any online classes? If so, which ones? I only had one or two online class sessions at the beginning of the lockdown, but my school ultimately cancelled the semester altogether in consideration of disadvantaged students who may not have laptops of their own or wi-fi at home. In the end they just gave a grade of ‘P’ to everyone, which meant Pass.

Were textbooks expensive? I didn’t need to buy entire textbooks because my professors usually just took excerpts or chapters from certain relevant books and let us photocopy the pages, which costs a lot cheaper than having to buy books.

What other supplies besides books did you have to buy for your classes? Other than course readings I didn’t need to spend much. Journalism isn’t a material-heavy course like how film or broadcast communication is.

Were you in any clubs or student organizations? Yes. I was in a journalism org, our graduation committee, and was part of a student publication at one point. I also tried to join AIESEC but my schedule was so hectic at the time that I had to drop it.

Did you ever volunteer anywhere? I was a lecturer and facilitator for the journalism workshops that my org regularly held (and will probably continue to volunteer even as a grad, since I know they appreciate alumni lecturers lol), and one time I also volunteered to be an usher for Batch 2019′s graduation.

Were you on any sports teams? Nope. I liked playing table tennis, but I was never trained properly enough to make it to varsity. 

Where was your favorite place to eat on campus? It depended on how much of a hurry I was in and how much I was willing to spend. The cheapest option was the network of kiosks scattered around campus which sold the same instant noodles and street food. If I wanted to reward myself but was on a tight budget, I went to Area 2 which is a residential street in campus that was also dotted with small food booths ran by the homeowners; if I had some money to spend and the time to stay in a sit-in restaurant I used to go to Chocolate Kiss.

Did you work while you were in college? I did not. I was lucky to be in a privileged position where my parents were able to provide for me and where I never had to worry about finances.

If so, where? How many hours per week?

How many times did you move throughout college? I didn’t. We lived in the same house the whole time I was in college.

Did you live on campus, in an apartment, or somewhere else? I lived at home and I just drove to and from school everyday, since the campus was near-ish enough for me not to avail of a dorm or condo.

Did you live with roommates? Alone? With a significant other? I lived with my family, but tbh it was mostly my mom and brother at home since my sister stays at a dorm and my dad works abroad.

If off-campus, how much was your rent? Never had to pay any.

How often did you go back to visit your parents? I went home to my mom every night lol, unless I had a sleepover at someone else’s place.

Did your parents help you out with living costs? Sure did. Nothing changed with my living arrangements and I still lived under their roof.

Did your parents (or someone else) pay for your tuition? They paid for the first two semesters; then by my sophomore year the government passed an act implementing free tuition for all state universities so since then they never had to pay a cent for my education.

Was it an expensive school? Not at all, which is why the competition to get in is so fierce. To illustrate, four years in my school is just equivalent to one semester in my sister’s college. Last time I checked one unit is ₱1500 or roughly $30.

If you paid for it, do you still have student loans you're paying off? I don’t have student loans. Idk if that’s a thing here, actually. I don’t think it is.

How many people did you date throughout college? One.

What was your longest relationship while in college? The whole four years. I was in the same relationship when I started and ended.

Were you in a sorority/fraternity? Fuck no.

Were you into partying? Just occasionally. I wasn’t a wild partier but I did go to a few college parties every now and then, and I certainly went to nearby bars nearly every Friday.

Where did you and your friends usually hang out? Along Katip, since there were enough places there to hang out in. Occasionally we’d go to Maginhawa, but I prefer it a lot less because the parking there sucks balls.

What did you and your friends do for fun? Drink, eat, play games.

Do you still keep in touch with any college friends? Very much. I support those who remain in the org, and I occasionally catch up with those who had already graduated.

Did any of them graduate with the same degree as you? Most of them did. It’s how I met them.

What did you do after you graduated? I rested for a bit but an existential crisis quickly came over and now I’m in a bit of a mental slump, but at least I’ve scored this internship to keep me occupied.

How was the pay at your first job out of college? The company I’m currently interning for objectively pays well, but they acquired me as an intern because they aren’t offering full-time positions for now. That said, I get an allowance rather than a salary so it isn’t much at all, but I’m still happy to be in the company because it’s supposed to be one of the top agencies in the country.

What classes prepared you the most for your career? PR, feature writing, public speaking, news reporting, online journalism...and tbh org work. 

- Five favorite memories from your college days -

1: UP vs DLSU basketball game from September last year HAAAAAA

2: Attending my organization’s orientation and encountering them for the first time, not knowing I was going to bloom so much there and gain my closest friends

3: High Def 2018 and 2019

4: Drinking at VSpot with Angela, Hans, Gabie, and whoever else from their Ateneo gang that also got invited

5: TK with orgmates

[aoibaratraveler]

A Look Back At My Time in Japan! Chapter 2

Welllllll it looks like it’s been a while since I last posted again...but I have an excuse! I was preparing for a pretty big interview and getting ready to make a trip back to Canada. Maybe you’ve heard of the JET programme and maybe you haven’t but I had an interview for that earlier this month and so it took up a lot of my headspace, I’ll be posting more about it once I hear my results in a month or so but I hope to not have too much of a gap anymore in between posts! Also, a mutual friend of both mine and the bf is coming to stay this weekend from Germany so I’m very excited about that and will hopefully have chapter 3 up afterward.

I said before that this will probably be a 4 part blog but you know I really just have so much to say on my experience and can hopefully provide some insight to any people looking to go on exchange to Japan in the future! Or go on exchange in general since my UK exchange story will be coming after this one! So much happened though that this may just end up being a 6 parter xD, ahh it really would have been great if I wrote what happened at the time. Well, I hope you enjoy reading about Japan through my eyes! I’ve also decided to go with naming these chapters since unlike my UK road trip blog, I’m writing this 4 years after the fact so it feels more like I’m telling a story than giving a week by week account on what I experienced. Anyway, last change to my blog! Promise!

Without further ado!

First Month on Exchange: April

I forgot to mention! At the end of chapter 1 was when I arrived in Nagasaki for the first time and earlier in the day before my homestay mother arrived to pick me up, all of the exchange students were made to sit a placement exam to determine their level of Japanese and which class they were to be placed into. Since I had barely slept the night prior and wasn’t really reviewing my textbooks until the last minute, I was only placed in Japanese 3 (they work up from 1) which was good enough for the level that I was at, at the time but if I had reviewed like I had wanted to instead of being lazy then I might have made it to Japanese level 4...but well, we’ll never know and I’m really just giving myself a hard time since I take learning languages, especially Japanese, and being a linguist super seriously. I’m a major procrastinator so of course, I put off reviewing until the last moment but I should be proud of myself for getting there and I made some really good friends that I’m still in touch with from being placed in Japanese 3. 

The day after arriving was a whirlwind! I felt like I could tackle anything and was so full of energy! I took my homestay mother up on her offer to drive me to the opening ceremony that was the day after I arrived in Nagasaki which was meant to welcome all the new exchange students and the first-year Japanese students. It was a rainy day but I was full of anticipation. I wore my best outfit that I had brought along with me and had high hopes. It was a really interesting experience as we never do opening ceremonies or anything of the sort for new university students in Canada. There are normally just fairs and maybe freebies up for grabs. My homestay mother only stayed for a small part of it and then left but it was short enough anyway so I didn’t mind. We were then shipped off to the university campus as the ceremony wasn’t actually at the school and then made to attend a sort of self-introduction and general information class where we each said a little something about ourselves and were able to ask any questions about what our life was going to be like for the next four months. I quickly seemed to grab the attention of a small Vietnamese-American who we’ll call TC. She was very bright and friendly and immediately asked if we could be friends because I said that I love to travel in my self-introduction and I seemed interesting whereas no one else did (probably should have taken this as a slight red flag but I felt flattered so whatever). We pretty quickly buddied up and spent a lot of time together thereafter. 

The next day was a Saturday and from the looks of my Google timeline, I mostly just walked around and explored my new neighbourhood the whole time and got to know my homestay family. Although Saturday morning was special because my homestay family took me up to Tateyama to go have a picnic next to the cherry blossoms since they were still in season. Tateyama has a “mountain” in the name but it’s really just a hill that was situated behind my homestay family’s apartment and it took about 30 minutes to walk up. I tried some kakigori (shaved ice) and played with the coolest little Shiba Inu. It was a lovely little morning and I got to experience the happy atmosphere of my neighborhood while we all took in the cherry blossoms. 

I was lucky enough to be placed in the centre of Nagasaki city while most other homestays were in the countryside, closer to the school. I wouldn’t have minded that since I adore the countryside of Japan and being placed in the city meant that I was an hour away from the university. My first official week in Nagasaki was jam-packed even though I hadn’t actually started my classes yet! Even though we had already attended our opening ceremony for the semester and the school year the previous Friday, classes, for the exchange students at least, weren’t scheduled to start until the second week of April and our first week was just for us to mostly do whatever we wanted! TC and I decided to spend our Monday making a day trip to the next prefecture which was Saga. We didn’t really have any idea what we wanted to do there exactly but I had recently purchased a JR Youth 18 ticket which is somewhat similar to a JR pass and anyone can buy it, not just tourists, and you can only go on local JR trains, so no bullet trains or high-speed trains. It costs about the equivalent of $120 and is good for any 5 non-consecutive days with unlimited trips on those days. We had looked up a bunch of cool things that were in Saga prefecture but would take a really long time to get to and weren’t anywhere near the actual city so we decided just to spend a day in Saga city...although we didn’t really have any choice. You see, I’m speaking to you in hindsight knowing full well how a lot of things work now...especially the JR Youth 18 ticket. I only briefly had an idea of it when I purchased it because L’s sister told me about it when I was living in Tokyo. So when TC and I embarked on our journey to explore Saga, we boarded a bullet train from Nagasaki station. We were about an hour into our trip when a conductor came by to check our ticket and notified us that we were very mistaken but he was super kind and understood that we didn’t know we had done something wrong and let us know what our next step should be. We told him where we wanted to go so he wrote out a detailed guide with all the stations we’d need to get on and get off at (after getting off the bullet train at the next stop) with all of the times. It was really helpful and I really appreciated it but what was supposed to be only an hour-long trip to the next prefecture turned into 4 and a half hours...I felt really bad because TC had left it to me since she couldn’t speak Japanese and voiced her displeasure at it all. It wasn’t a great start to the week but I think if I were on my own and the same thing was to happen then I honestly wouldn’t have minded. When we got off the bullet train we were in a really small town in the middle of nowhere that was super quiet with nothing around, it was actually really cool. We explored that area for about an hour while we waited for the next local train. There was a big river flowing through the city, an old shrine on top of a hill, and a bunch of little, colourful wind turbines lined up one after the other leading from the station to the river.  It was lovely. That stop had the longest wait for a train, the next few stops had trains coming one after the other, but we had just missed one by being on the bullet train. After a long journey, we finally made it to Saga city but it was super quiet and no one was around, maybe because it was a Monday? It was really nice though, there was something really serene about being in a city with one main street and no one around except for a few elderly people walking about. We didn’t end up staying for long but I knew from living in Tokyo for a month that government buildings of any Japanese city are usually free for people to go up to, to the top floor and get a view of the entire city so that’s what we did and it was really nice because again, no one else was there and it was just us. Afterward, we took some photos with the cherry blossoms and headed back to Nagasaki.

The next day I decided to use my JR Youth 18 ticket again to go to Sasebo which is in Nagasaki prefecture so it wouldn’t be that long of a trip but TC didn’t want to have any more long train rides for a while so I went on my own. Sasebo is well known in the prefecture by people and is a recommended spot from locals because it’s where the American naval base is and has a different vibe to it compared to other prefectures. It is also famous for the “Sasebo burger” which is essentially just a normal-sized burger to us Westerners but was designed for the surge in marines that were living in Sasebo after World War II and became a hit to all visitors thereafter. I really just spent an afternoon walking around and admiring the area because, yes, it didn’t quite feel like the rest of Japan, but not exactly like America either. You’d have to see for yourself. I mostly wanted to visit Sasebo because there was meant to be an abandoned theme park nearby and I love that sort of stuff but unfortunately I would have needed a car to get there. The train ride in and out is what made it really special. It was absolutely gorgeous because the trip went along the coast and it was such a beautiful day, I honestly wish I had videotaped it. 

The following couple of days I visited my university and more thoroughly explored the inner and outer parts of Nagasaki city, especially the biggest shrine in the area and what made that part of the city so popular, Suwajinja/ Suwa Shrine. “It is located in the northern part of the city, on the slopes of Mount Tamazono-san, and features a 277-step stone staircase leading up the mountain to the various buildings that comprise the shrine. Suwa shrine was established as a way of stopping and reversing the conversion to Christianity that was taking place in Nagasaki. In modern times it remains an important and successful center of the community.” https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Suwa_Shrine_(Nagasaki)

I also got a job! It was the funniest thing actually. A day or so prior, I was walking with my homestay mother through town to help her go grocery shopping and I saw a little building that had an English school in it and was intrigued. Later, that night I looked the school up and decided to send them an email expressing my interest in working there part-time and if they had any open spots. I immediately got a response from the owner and he said I could come by the next day for a chat. I did just that and apparently, as I arrived, little did I know, a guy that the owner had just spent two weeks training and getting ready for the after spring break rush of students decided to quit at the last minute and do a runner. So to sum it up, after a pleasant but short conversation, I was hired on the spot. I was told to come by the next day for some quick training prep, as I had never taught English before, so that I could start the following week. He clearly needed someone after the other guy had bailed out though.

Finally, on Friday and the end of my first week in Nagasaki, all of the exchange students were taken for an overnight trip to the mountain and hot springs town of Unzen! It took us about 7 and a half hours to get there but we left early in the morning and arrived mid-afternoon so there was still plenty of time for us to do stuff. We were to stay in a traditional hotel next to a natural hot springs and several geysers. It was such a cool and mysterious area to explore with my exchange mates and TC, especially at night after soaking in the hot springs (which let me tell you was awkward considering it was my first time being naked in front of other people, other girls, but still). The air was misty because of the sulfur, smelled like rotten eggs, but that didn’t stop us from walking around in our hotel yukatas. We stayed up for a large portion of the night, took in the atmosphere and just basically partied. The next day we hiked Mount Unzen and it was awesome, the view was glorious. It was also just a really nice bonding experience and a better way for us all to get to know each other. After our hike, we were taken to the small town of Obama which wasn’t named after the former U.S. president but did have a statue of him. It was also a seaside town and was popular for its free public hot spring foot baths which we indulged in after having a delicious nabe lunch. It was an unforgettable overnight trip and did its job of helping all the exchange students get to know each other better (more detail here and below).

The following week consisted of more city exploration, settling in, my first shifts at the English school, some administrative university stuff like signing up for classes the old school way with pen and paper - gotta love Japan - and actually attending classes. It may seem a bit mundane but I enjoyed every minute of it. Oh I forgot to mention, another reason why Nagasaki is so cool to explore and why I never get tired of it is there is a big Portuguese and Dutch influence mixed in with the Japanese aesthetic because those were the first countries that Japan opened up trade to on the port of Nagasaki between the 16th and 19th centuries. To add to that, there are also several hidden Christian sites that are also UNESCO World Heritage sites around the area because when Christianity first appeared with the Dutch and the Portuguese, it was outlawed and forbidden.

In the next couple of weeks, I went strawberry picking with my homestay family which was spectacular! They had a family friend who owned a strawberry farm and we were allowed to pick an unlimited number of delicious, fresh strawberries. I’m telling you we picked enough strawberries to last us for the next few weeks and I got a strawberry coma from the amount that I ate. It was great. After strawberry picking, my homestay family took me to a restaurant nearby the farm where all the ingredients were locally sourced. A few days after that, I spent the day with a few of my new friends as well as TC and we went to the Nagasaki Penguin Aquarium and, boy, was that cool. We saw so many species of Penguin with all sorts of personalities. There was something that put a bit of a hamper in our day and that had to do with a guy who my friend so eloquently nicknamed as “kimoi” (Japanese for gross). I suppose it all started a  day or so before my friends and I decided to meet up for the aquarium. I was sitting in the lounge at uni waiting for some people when a Japanese guy approached me and wanted to chat and obviously that was no problem so I obliged because I’m always down to make new friends. He  seemed nice and friendly enough but we slowly moved from small talk to him mentioning a girl that I am now friends with but at the time didn’t know so well even though we were in the same class. He began talking shit about her and how mean she was to him and….how he wanted to kill her...I was like whoa ok no need for that, I’m sure it was a misunderstanding and I tried to cheer him up and his mood did end up getting better and then he just started complimenting me and saying how nice I was and I honestly didn’t know how to take what was happening. I honestly should have taken it more seriously but it was really just a passing conversation that I had with him since we were the only ones in the lounge and he seemed to be friends with a few other people that I had befriended. It was very strange though especially since Japanese people aren’t known to speak ill of others. Anyway, someone from the group of people I met had invited him to hang out with us at the aquarium and I was ok with it at first but...it turns out that he took our small talk that happened by chance as a sign that I liked him??? And wanted to date him?? He assumed that this whole day at the aquarium was our date and I somehow turned into his girlfriend and the other people that were there were just...third, fourth, fifth, and sixth wheels….It was bizarre and I was thoroughly creeped out. He was clearly unstable. The whole time at the aquarium he was trying to find a chance to be alone with me and get the other guys to leave but I kept making sure we were always with everyone and finally one of my guy friends took one for the team and said he’ll distract him by insisting he wants to hang out with him somewhere else while the rest of us headed back to the city. We ended the day by having a much needed calming visit to the Nagasaki Museum of History and Culture and spent a couple of hours learning about our new home. 

Then, on the 27th of April, my birthday, I was pleasantly surprised by a home celebration planned by my homestay mother. She got me a little Sailor Moon figure since I mentioned how much I love the character Sailor Moon, ordered chiraishi bowls for all of us which is essentially sashimi over rice, and some cake. I was absolutely delighted. It was a fantastic day if I do say so myself especially since earlier in the day when I was in class my new friends had all bought me snacks and wished me happy birthday. I was further spoiled after work the next day by my boss taking me and my coworkers out for an izakaya dinner, obviously I don’t drink but the food at izakayas are always sooooo good. It was definitely one of my more favourite birthdays, I was 22 and having the time of my life.

I decided to end off April and spend Golden Week, which is a week at the end of April and beginning of May filled with national holidays and is thus called “Golden Week” by making a trip to Busan, South Korea with TC. She found a deal for us to take a 3-hour ferry from Fukuoka to Busan and stay in a Couchsurfing place (which was to be my first of many). I soon learned from this trip that even though TC claimed to be travel savvy, she doesn’t really do her research very well. But I’ll get to that in a bit. We embarked on our journey from Nagasaki station by highway bus (which was the cheapest option) to Fukuoka to take our ferry. When we arrived, we quickly got lost. South Korea, well Busan, isn’t quite as easy to figure out as Japan but that’s mostly because neither of us spoke Korean. We spent a while trying to find wifi and our host’s place. We were excited to be able to explore the city of Busan at any rate and spoke to a few locals along our way who could speak a little English. When we finally found and arrived at our host’s place. We found out that our host didn’t have a bed or a blanket or anything for us to sleep on, just literally the hardwood floor of his kitchen in a small one-bedroom apartment. I mean I was grateful to have shelter, I was, but damn. TC complained that the couple of other times that she used Couchsurfing she always had her own room and bed and didn’t know why this happened but being that I now have lots of experience in Couchsurfing, I can tell you that TC was either lying or that she must have had luck of the draw with her previous Couchsurfing trips and just requested to stay with the first person that popped up in Busan. Normally, when you look on Couchsurfing you can tell what the host is offering, where you get your own room or a shared room, how much privacy you get and pictures of the place but this guy must have had nothing up on his profile otherwise I don’t see how TC would have requested to stay with him...actually I still don’t see why she requested to stay with him. I never stay with someone if they have no references, pictures, or if it’s a shared space. It was such an uncomfortable 6 days because I really was not prepared to be sleeping on a hardwood floor with no cover but the clothes from my bag. The host was really nice though and he could speak English well so that was a plus. I mostly blame TC for most likely not actually reading his profile because then I could have prepared myself.

We spent our first full day in Busan and the last day of April at the Gamcheon Culture Village which is considered the “Asian Santorini” for its colourful landscape. TC had arranged for us to meet up with another couchsurfing host and his guest. One of whom was a Vietnamese ex-pat and an American from Connecticut that had been spending the past few months traveling around Asia. He was really cool and open-minded, we both connected with the two guys really quickly and had a blast exploring the village, trying street food and heading to downtown Busan. The American guy, Z, reminded me that travel shouldn’t be about seeing as much as possible but just absorbing where you are and taking in everything as opposed to getting so much done but never actually experiencing it. We walked for ages and thoroughly investigated every nook and cranny of this intriguing village. We also hiked up to the top and took an amazing view of all of the colourful buildings and artwork. I ate a loooot of street food that day and honestly each thing was under a dollar, it was great! Two things stood out to me from my street food adventure and that was Beondegi which is silkworm pupae; bitter but not overly gross and hotteok; my absolute favourite thing that I tried even though I’m not really much of a sweet tooth. It was a deliciously sweet, caramelly thick pancake with peanuts. One of the reasons why I love Busan so much is that the food is so cheap and delicious so I really did eat a lot of it….Since we hit it off with these two other couch surfers, we decided to meet up with them a few more times before leaving Busan. Later that night when we got back to our host’s apartment, we were invited to have fried chicken with him and his friend--an absolute must-have if you’re ever in Korea.

[borderlandscast]

starwarscast rythian

this au is essentially rythian playing himself in a dnd game set in star wars, pre clone wars. everyone else is also playing themselves. the last post i did was listing the current cast’s characters and their species, plus a sneak peek into nilesy and rythian’s stats.

below is all my cleaned up and compressed notes on rythian’s timeline, trivia and backstory.

rythian:

honorable mention of this rythian goes here because i rarely return to this au (i blame all the ‘canon’ worldbuilding we’re finally getting on rythian’s species, now decades after the original books were published) and i’m still fond of him.

hold up your thumb and index finger. now put them together so there’s the a gap but they’re not touching. that’s how much less gayer he is than blcast rythian.

long haired; keeps it well maintained with lush products bc he’s kind of vain about it. has it in a french braid that runs down his back. if he ever suggested cutting it, a petition would go around to stop him. he still has the pale/grey stripe running down the middle of his hair.

he still can’t cook. if anything, he’s even worse at it. whether or not he deliberately plays it up is a running joke. it’s a mystery how he survived as zoeya’s padawan. zoeya jokes about watering him whenever others ask. he doesn’t appreciate it.

rythian’s full name is in the archives, and he never uses it. he goes by a much shortened version (thanks to the circumstances by which he arrived at the temple, and zoeya’s help). keep reading for why.

the slightest mention of a holocron (sith or jedi) or lost knowledge is the fastest way to summon him from across a room. he’s one of the best artifact hunters and puzzle solvers.

his main job in the jedi temple is a librarian, and he has a reputation as a strict but helpful master. don’t run any of the texts, and you’ll keep staying on his good side.

he’s actually younger than he looks; he became a master in his late teens, and zoeya had to make a solid case about him taking the exams to become a master that young. it distanced him from a lot of his peers.

now that he’s older, he gives slightly less of a f*ck, and is fairly outspoken as a grey jedi since he sometimes uses fairly questionable means to accomplish his goals (something zylus takes after him in that regard).

lightsaber is purple. he’s never been prouder. he uses the same style as obi-wan, but has a decent grounding in other styles to throw someone off if he ends up in a duel.

his species is exceedingly rare. to give you an idea of how rare, he’s the only chiss residing within the bounds of known, explored space; his species exists in a difficult to navigate, well isolated patch. it also causes him some minor grief whenever he leaves the temple, since most think he’s just a freak, mutant or a hybrid pantoran.

even funnier is that he’s the only jedi of said species, but is not the only force sensitive of his kind (go read timothy zahn’s latest triology, it’s got some good tidbits at last about how his species views and treats their force sensitive individuals). i know there was a canon chiss jedi padawan but the old star wars canon is a mess i’m not touching with a ten foot pole, or else rythian would have died of happiness to meet another one of his species even if neither of them know anything about them.

his arc revolves around gaining acceptance that sometimes things happen even if we don’t want them to, and that not all answers sought out will give happiness, including the truth.

his backstory was that his parents (a happily married trio, consisting of a fleet commander, a governor and a scientist) made the decision to give him away as a baby due to two events: restless political climate nearly resulting in baby rythian’s death from assasination, and his ridiculous force sensitivity, which immediately marks him for a risky career as a hyperspace navigator once he’s old enough to walk and talk. they don’t hold family ties once they start this career, so.

not wanting to risk their child’s life, his parents sneakily flag down a passing jedi ship carrying one jedi master zoeya (who is a sentient, old af tree, known as ‘neti’). she is very surprised that she is now in charge of an unknown alien infant but understands that for reasons unknown, he is now in her care. for who knows how long.

rythian spends his childhood at jedi temple. he matures way faster than the other kids, and excels in his studies. apparently, that’s normal for his kind, but it’s abnormal to others. it’s made even worse because nobody knows what species he is. he befriends a kel dor named will strife, another padawan after strife stops a couple of older teens from hassling rythian.

zoeya officially takes rythian as her padawan. she also secretly gives him an ecrypted disc containing a basic dictionary and guide to chiss language, the only link rythian has to his parents (aside from the hand stitched blanket and baby clothes). rythian never knows zoeya gives him the disc since it’s left on his bed. it’s the only knowledge he never contributes to the jedi temple’s extensive archives.

stuff happens to zoeya; rythian loses her as a master due to her past trauma catching up. he learns that he’s her third padawan (the second being lomadia, who is still alive); her first died hundreds of years ago, and zoeya’s memories keep overlapping so she’s confusing him for them. she leaves the order after her memory’s adjusted so she can start fresh as a civilian. the last thing she says to him before she goes for treatment are a string of numbers, and a single, nonsensical name. rythian is advised that it’s best not to find her or risk a relapse.

will strife voluntarily leaves the order as well due to pressing circumstances; i.e., a fabricated scandal with him and a well known politician (played by lalnable). rythian gradually accepts that everyone he knows and cares for will eventually leave him. he still maintains strife as a contact after strife takes up a career as a traveling merchant.

rythian takes a teen zylus as a padawan and resolves to do better than zoeya, as a mentor and parental figure. he did bring baby zylus to the temple after all. he keeps an eye on zylus as zylus grows up, occasionally nudging zylus to stay focused.

that said, rythian had his nose in a book during the candidate lightsaber matches, thus narrowly missing zylus leaving. zylus dropped by the libaray on his last day at the temple, which was where rythian found him and dragged him of to get him approved as his official padawan.

zylus successfully graduates, and to rythian’s great relief, he stays to work on the archives with him as a fellow holocron hunter and decrypter.

and then the chosen one, nilesy, arrives at the temple in search of how to best temper his newfound force sensitivity. in tow is ravs, a sith. rythian volunteers to be the sith watchdog, and nilesy’s trainer, and it’s not just because this is his golden chance to hit up a sith for secret forbidden lore or anything.

unfortunately, ravs has no interest in helping rythian unlock sith holocrons; he advises that his fellow sith buddy, daltos, might be of help but he has no idea where said buddy is. this greatly annoys rythian (unbeknowst, several months later, zylus has the honor of said first meeting).

ravs constantly hides in rythian’s room from jedi padawan nanosounds, who is eager to test her formidable lightsaber skills on a sith. rythian eventually gets used to ravs randomly chilling in his room.

he and ravs have a thing. zylus is completely oblivious to it, and nilesy pretends that he’s not aware of it.

rythian decides to go on holiday, which immediately sparks suspicion from everyone because everyone has to literally pry rythian from the archives on a daily basis. ravs secretly tails him, and sees rythian about to board a chiss ship.

afraid of losing him forever, ravs butts in, and discovers that rythain is meeting his parents, who also react to ravs like he’s a threat. rythian persuades his parents that ravs means no harm, and gets ravs permission to board as well.

rythian tries to reconcile with his parents’ decision to ‘abandon’ him, and their aloof attitudes after finally reuniting with them as an adult. he has no memories of them, to their disappointment. he eventually discovers in one of his parent’s offices, a hidden compartment containing two photos of him as a child and padawan.

he confronts his parents, and finds out that zoeya met his parents in secret one more time to deliver these photos. reassured that they’d made the right decision, they ask her to pass on a message: if ry’thia’nuruodo wishes to learn of his heritage, meet us at these coordinates on this day. we shall return yearly, without fail, until we are unable to. this was zoeya’s message, which she’d passed onto him, albeit incomplete.

rythian also has to contend with helping ravs make a good first impression; his parents don’t speak basic (or pretend not to, wanting to test if rythian retained his knowledge of his species’ language), and ravs can’t speak their language. they don’t approve of him having a relationship with ravs since he’s an alien and they don’t know what he’s capable of, but eventually concede that ravs will do since nobody else can match their son’s capabilities.

as for the issue of who exactly rythian’s family members are? i don’t know anything about chiss society so this entirely headcanon. their society is very rigid, and is based on doing your job correctly and loyalty to their houses (ie, family branches). all chiss tend to be fairly straight faced, calm and composed and intelligent individuals. rythian is an exception, which is why he doesn’t initially understand why his parents are so cold to him at first, but clues in eventually that they’re exceedingly subtle about their affection and praises (and insults, too).

his biological father is ry’aratalla’nuruodo (aratalla for short), cedef fleet commander. rythian takes after him in sense of humor, looks and height but inherited all his teeth from his other biological parent, sev’adira’csapla. very level headed, accomodating, quiet and grounded; rythian is a little intimidated by him, and assumes his dad has the final say in everything. this is utterly wrong and his dad is whipped by the other two parents.

sev’adira’csapla (vadirac, or adira) is a colony governor and ship provisions officer. nonbinary, goes by they/them. has a mean, petty and haughty personality, can also be called a tsundere. unfortunately, rythian gets his vanity and dramatic flair from them. he doesn’t get along with them, and the two spend a fair amount of time insulting each other (which adira actually enjoys).

radar’isoto’inrokini (isoto for short, a triple wordplay on ‘risotto’, ‘radar’ and ‘isotope’). rythian’s ‘mother’, in a sense. rythain gets his curiosity and love of knowledge from her. she’s like zoeya; full of optimistism, disarmingly charming, frightening when angered and is actually one of the sharpest minds around. she’s a exceptional mixture of physicist, linguist, biologist, geologist and chemist, being the chief scientific officer serving on the same ship as rythian’s dad. she gets along with ravs a little too well, and takes on the giant task of learning basic so she can communicate with him.

rythian leaves with ravs, having learned a great deal about chiss. he’s supposed to be a big secret since his parents spread a rumor that he died from ‘weak constitution’. he and ravs are to keep everything they learned and visited a secret.

rythian, nilesy and zylus learn of a secret mission to assassinate the sith who’ve been more or less friendly towards nilesy: minty, ravs and daltos. minty escapes, but ravs and daltos aren’t so lucky, resulting in nilesy, rythian and zylus interfering. the three let ravs and daltos escape, causing the three jedi’s standing to plummet within the temple. don’t worry, it doesn’t stay that way for long.

right after the above happens, the clone wars occur. rythian doesn’t meet ravs for months; ravs ghosts him. they end up reuniting on a mission much later when ravs frees him from a seperatist jail at the risk of compromising his cover. it’s a very emotional reunion. ravs is in hiding since he suspects a bigger conspiracy, and has been compiling clues and evidence. he and rythian agreed to meet up and share what they know.

rythian assists nilesy in further training his powers. unfortunately, without ravs counterpoint, there is no balance for nilesy. nilesy is confined to the temple since he can’t take part in any of the life threatening missions.

rythian takes ‘tom’ (angor) as his clone officer. tom assists him in piecing together transmissions and intelligence to send off. ravs passes him information every now and then. rythian is a dad to a clone trooper, okay.

order 66 occurs at the climax of the clone wars. the temple is under siege by a traitor jedi and the clones. rythian and any jedi on the scene attempt to escape. rythian almost dies when tom fails a will check to stop himself from shooting rythian due to order 66. nilesy and ravs pool together their resources and wills to save him.

when all hope is lost, nilesy ascends as a ‘chosen one’, bringing a fragile balance to himself since he failed the galaxy. through his connection in the force, he learns that the other chosen one (thanks, skywalker) went off the deep end. nilesy unlocks the secret of mortis, and drags the survivors of temple massacre inside before closing the rift.

rythian recovers, forgives tom, and stays on as nilesy’s teacher, having successfully saved several important texts and holocrons from the archives prior to leaving the temple.

nilesy wishes to join the rebels once he hears news of them.

i got this far before having to stop due to real life circumstances interfering, and felt that this was a safe stopping point as well.

[notsuchasecret]

*cracks knuckles* MY TURN! Ship 1: HaruNagi

Alrighty folks! So @ezzydean and I decided to do this here fandom bingo challenge, sending each other five ships for each card and trying to check off as many boxes as we can. 

Ship One: HaruNagiBoxes: Major Character Death, Angst, Hurt/Comfort, partially ticks off the Afterlife box.Warnings: That’s a big ole Major Character Death warning right there folks.

Under a readmore, because it gets real, real quick.

The beeping and whirring of machines was deafening. It was dark in the hospital room, and Haru knew he shouldn’t have been there. They would be livid if they found out, would say things like Makoto didn’t want him to waste his life there, Makoto would want him to take care of himself, Makoto would want, Makoto wouldn’t want, Makoto, Makoto, Makoto. They never seemed to think of what Haru needed.

He should have known he wouldn’t be alone for long. If there was one thing Nagisa was good at, it was filling a gap. Makoto was Haru’s best friend, had been since they were barely walking, but Nagisa was something special. Was something more. So even though he didn’t understand him the way Makoto did, he understood enough. Enough that he knew where to show up at three in the morning with a bottle of water and a pack of granola bars that he knew full well Haru wasn’t going to eat.

“Is it gonna be tonight, do you think?” Nagisa asked, watching the monitor. His face had lost its childhood pudginess, growing tired and thin in the recent weeks. He was barely out of high school, too young, too young, they were all too young.

“It’s going to be tonight,” Haru agreed. There had been three scares already, three flatlines and resuscitations. Makoto’s mother was asleep in the chair across the bed from Haru and the twins were at the hotel with his father. Ever since the accident, they had kept an eye on Haru as much as on Makoto. But Haru knew that when Makoto was gone, they would be too bound up in their grief to keep an eye on him anymore. Which was where Nagisa came in, he supposed.

The end, when it came, came quiet. The beep-beep-beep slowed, then sped for a moment, then switched to a flat line. It took about thirty seconds for a team of doctors to come bursting in, and in that thirty seconds, Haru and Nagisa made themselves scarce. They walked through the hospital hallways hand-in-hand until they reached an elevator, more hallways, and finally a door. Haru called them a cab. It was too late or perhaps too early for the trains to be running, even in this part of the city.

Nagisa held it together all the way to Haru and Makoto’s flat. They stood outside the open door, staring in at the apartment that smelled stale and looked exactly the way it had a week ago when the accident had happened. Haru had been back once, to shower and change his clothes, and hadn’t lingered long enough to notice. But Makoto’s jacket was on the hook by the door, Makoto’s favorite blanket was sprawled on the couch, Makoto’s notes for the physics exam he had missed were spread across the table. It was too much for Nagisa, and he burst into tears.

“Come on,” Haru whispered, and drew him away from the door. “We’ll get a hotel room tonight.”

Nagisa grew quiet as they went back out onto the street. The hotel Haru had in mind was just a few blocks away, and Nagisa sniffled quietly the entire way there. He let Haru handle talking to the man who worked the desk, annoyed at being disturbed so early or so late, apathetic to their sob story and caring only that Haru had a credit card with a high enough limit to secure them a single room. He held it together until they got inside, and then slumped against Haru’s side and let out a quiet wail.

“Come here,” Haru said. “I’ve got you.” He drew Nagisa onto the bed and held him close, uncaring that there was probably mud on their shoes or that Nagisa was getting snot and tears on his shirt. He cradled the blond head of curls close to his heart and buried his nose in it. But he couldn’t cry.

He’d done plenty of that already, sobbing  into Makoto’s chest, or Tachibana-san’s arms, or even Rin’s shoulder on one occasion. He’d been a wreck. But now, now that it mattered, there was nothing. Haru’s phone buzzed, probably the Tachibanas remembering him amidst their own grief, but he didn’t answer it. There would be time for other people in the morning. For now, there was just the perfect, heartbroken creature in his arms and the long night still ahead.

“I kept thinking he would pull through,” Nagisa whispered when some space of moments or hours had passed. “I kept thinking-” Nagisa’s voice broke.

“Me too,” Haru said, but it was a lie. As soon as he had seen Makoto sprawled on the pavement, had seen the blood, he had known. He had said his last words to his best friend, and would never get the chance to replace them with something kinder, something more like Makoto deserved.

“We should tell the others,” Nagisa murmured. “They deserve to know-”

“They will. Later. Right now, no one deserves more of you than you’re ready to give.”

“Can we sleep?” Nagisa asked. He sounded like a child asking to crawl into his parents’ bed. Haru nodded and kicked off his shoes. He waited while Nagisa did the same, then pulled the blanket down. They crawled in together and for the rest of the night neither acknowledged that the other did not sleep. They simply lay in each other's arms until the sun filtered through the dull brown curtains and they could pretend no longer.

“Are you hungry?” Haru asked, his voice sounding raw. Nagisa shook his head. “When was the last time you ate?” Haru insisted.

“Sometime yesterday morning,” Nagisa admitted.

“Will you try?” Haru asked. “For me?”

“Only if you try too,” Nagisa replied. Haru nodded, but neither of them moved. They just stared at each other in the brown-filtered light.

“If the timing weren’t so horrible,” Haru whispered, and Nagisa nodded.

“I would kiss you right now,” Nagisa said. “If the timing weren’t so horrible. But I’ve wanted to kiss you for years, and I’m not going to let our first kiss be because of something like this. I want it to be because you’re so happy you can’t contain yourself.”

Haru understood. He agreed, even. But right then, he wanted any comfort he could get, and the taste of Nagisa’s lips seemed like comfort indeed. Like home. Like a time when things were simpler. Like a time when the biggest challenge they faced was Rin and his angst. Haru settled for pressing his lips briefly to Nagisa’s forehead and then climbing out of the bed. The apartment and the Tachibanas and the school and the rest of the world would have to be faced. But first there was Nagisa and breakfast and Nagisa and Nagisa and Nagisa.

They ended up at the twenty-four-hour diner across the street from the hotel, pushing crappy western food around their plates with no intention of eating and no intention of letting the other go without. It was a standoff that neither could win, and eventually they both gave up having managed to choke down a few measly bites. Haru paid their check and they set out from the diner with no particular direction.

The streets of the city were still mostly deserted at this hour. Businesses wouldn’t be opening until eight or nine and most people were still in bed, squeezing the last few moments out of their sleep as they could. It was already warm, the day promising to be hot and unrelenting. But for now, the sun was gentle, caressing their shoulders and kissing their faces. Haru hadn’t seen the sun not filtered through the blinds in Makoto’s hospital room in several days.

They held hands. Haru had held Nagisa’s hand so many times before, but in light of the morning’s revelations, it felt different now. More real. More like he was holding the hand of someone who loved him with all the same quiet passion with which Haru loved Nagisa.

“I never told Makoto about you,” Haru said softly. Nagisa made a soft, questioning noise. “I never told Makoto I was in love with you,” Haru said. “I think he knew, though. He was always planning ways to get us in the same room, and then get us alone.”

“I noticed that,” Nagisa said. “I thought he knew how I felt about you. I never even realized… Do you think he regrets never seeing us together?”

“I don’t think he regrets anything,” Haru said, and it all came crashing down on him. Makoto didn’t regret anything, because there was no Makoto left to regret. Or if there was, if the afterlife was real, if all of Makoto’s sweetness had left a permanent impression, what would he think of his pathetic best friend? Someone who took a tragedy like this to realize the boy he liked liked him back. Someone who wasted every opportunity that was presented to him. Someone who-

“Hey, Haru-chan, it’s okay-” Nagisa stared, but Haru flinched. “Sorry, I probably shouldn’t call you that, huh?” Nagisa murmured.

“No, it’s okay, it’s-”

“It’s fine,” Nagisa said. “I get that he called you that too.” There were tears in Nagisa’s voice again, the thick kind that made him numb his consonants and slur his vowels. Haru felt an answer pricking at his eyes. They kept walking.

By the time they made their way back to the hospital, the tears had come and gone. There were marks going down Haru’s cheeks, and Nagisa’s face was swollen and red. They walked into the visitor’s check-in and asked for Tachibana, only for a sad-faced nurse to tell them the news. Haru asked where the living Tachibanas were and was directed back to the hotel.

They stood outside, staring up at the face of the building. It was tall, steel and glass looming over them like all the other buildings around here.

“I can’t do this,” Haru whispered. “I can’t face them.”

“You don’t have to right now,” Nagisa said. He was still holding Haru’s hand.

“What kind of a coward would that make me?” Haru asked. Then again, wasn’t he already aware he was a coward?

“It makes you a human,” Nagisa said. “It makes you someone who’s had a tragedy happen, someone who isn’t ready to have that tragedy ground in their face. If you want, you can come back to mine for the day. We can call them and let them know we know, let them know we’re okay, and call it a day. We’ll let Rei-chan and Rin-chan and the others know tomorrow. Today, let’s just take it easy, okay?”

So that’s what they did. There would be time, there would be time, to face the world. The apartment could wait, the Tachibanas could wait, Rin and Rei and Yamazaki and Mikoshiba and all the others could wait.  Right then, right then and forever, there was Nagisa. And though it wasn’t all Haru wanted, it was all he needed. He closed his eyes and thought that wherever souls went, Makoto’s was happy.

[ayyyez]

Hcs for Neji with an S/o who started out as enemies/rivals (mostly due to the S/o disliking how the Hyuga family was so strict and hurtful, but Neji mistook it as a general hatred for his clan), ended up becoming friends, and then became lovers? Thank you in advance 💕

-It started when you two were at the academy or at least that was when Neji first noticed it. The first time he caught you staring your expression was neutral so he didn’t understand why you were looking but after a glance away then back to find your gaze still fixed on him he was sure it was him you were staring at.

-It made him a little uncomfortable, especially since he didn’t really know who you were. Sure, he knew your name since he had heard it called out in class and had also recognised it when it appeared a few spaces below his whenever marks were released but as for who you were as a person, well, at this stage he honestly couldn’t care less. 

-But then he noticed it happening more frequently. You kept on staring day after day and it felt like a hole was burning into him wherever your eyes caught. It happened in the academy yard during practice sessions, in the classroom (usually when people weren’t paying attention and talking), in the halls as he passed you. 

-At first it fed his ego a little bit, knowing he had attention on him (he assumed because you recognised you abilities) but in the end he didn’t really care about that and he was getting straight up irritated. That was when he silently referred to you as the annoyance especially since it through him off his focus the first few times. It wasn’t long before he got used to it though and was able to ignore you altogether (when he wasn’t glaring at you).

-Neji didn’t think about it again until just before graduating the academy. You were paired with him to spar in the training yard. When he saw you he sighed and rolled his eyes which made you glare. It was only when you started sparring that he had to (internally) acknowledge your skill. He’d never really found and equal match in the class before when it came to fighting or academic skill and even though you weren’t stronger than him, you came pretty damn close to landing some blows. 

-It distracted him enough to almost land a punch to the face but he dodged at the last second. ‘Careful Hyuga, wouldn’t want me to tarnish your reputation or your pretty face.’ It was the first words you had spoken to him. And that comment alone was enough to cause adrenaline to surge through him and take you down in two moves. 

 -When you were down though you didn’t groan. Instead you laughed and looked up at him. ‘That’s the Hyuga way, huh?’ You spat on the ground then pushed yourself outright to perform the unison sign. Neji glared and walked away, ignoring the instructor. If only you knew just how much he agreed with your statement, just not when it was directed at him. He was furious to say the least and he hoped never to see you again. 

-He saw you at the graduation ceremony which members of his clan happened to attend. More for formalities rather than him. And when he saw you he clenched his fist but then relaxed once he saw who you were glaring at. It wasn’t him this time but members of his clan. That confused him but then he took his seat and focused on the ceremony. 

-By the time the chunin exams rolled around he had forgotten about you. He had thrown everything he had into training, missions and never forgetting about what happened to his father. Then he ran into you in the forbidden forest. You both were alone and recognised each other immediately. Both of you took a fighting stance. 

- ‘So, it’s you.’ You said taking a step forward. Neji grunted and glared in response. He waited for you to make the first move and you did, kunai in hand and ready to take him on. This wasn’t the academy anymore and you both had picked up new skills. But then two enemy teammates from another village took the opportunity to attack both of you. That’s when things changed.

-You jumped to a branch above while Neji was left to take them both on. Just when one was about to attack Neji from behind you jumped down and knocked him out. Neji looked over his shoulder at you stunned. ‘If anyone is going to take you down it’s me.’ Then you threw a kunai and it hit the other enemies thigh causing him to fall down. ‘See you around, Hyuga.’ There was something about the way you called him that which made him uneasy. Neji couldn’t quite figure you out and he hated that. 

-It was when he lost the final part of the chunin exams to Naruto that things between you changed. Your battle followed him and you happened to win but were escorted to the medical bay to disinfect your minor wounds. That’s where you ran into Neji alone. Your eyes locked at soon as you entered the room and all the stuff he had revealed about his clan entered your mind. 

- ‘Sorry.’ You spoke first. ‘It’s fine, you can come in. Were you injured?’ He asked. An untypical polite inquiry from him. ‘Not really but I wasn’t apologising for intruding.’ Neji frowned. ‘Oh?’ You walked over to his bed and sat beside him with a big enough gap between you. ‘Sorry for misjudging you. I thought you were like the rest of them.’ ‘Who?’ ‘The Hyuga clan.’ Then there was a heavy silence between you two. ‘My mother was a Hyuga once.’ Neji turned to you. ‘I didn’t know that.’ You sighed. ‘Yeah nobody really does. She was sort of exiled before she died since my father isn’t apart of the clan. So I’m sorry for judging you.’ ‘I understand.’ 

-You both sat there for awhile in comfortable silence for awhile. ‘I see Naruto finally knocked some sense into you.’ You said. Neji smiled and nodded. Your conversation was cut short when the village was attacked and you had to leave to do our duty as a shinobi. 

-After that your meetings were less hostile. It began when you happened to run into each other at the training grounds, then in the village and sometimes on missions. But after awhile it became less of a coincidence and more on purpose. The friendship came naturally to the two of you especially since you both needed attitude adjustments. You were able to change together. 

-As you both changed and the years went on feelings between the two of you developed and grew too. The rivalry between the two of you became more playful, especially from your end. It was fun to push the boundaries with Neji especially with his flustered reactions. But it wasn’t long before you wanted to stop playing and do something for real. You realised it when you pushed him too far one day and got into an argument. As usual neither of you wanted to apologise and you’d be damned if you caved first. 

-Weeks went on without the to of you meeting and talking. You began to feel sick at the thought of losing him. Especially over something so silly as an argument. One day you decided to finally do something about the two of you dancing around your feelings and be bold. So you went to the training ground when you spotted him in the middle of the field. You called out to him and practically marched over to him. When he turned to you he looked stunned and curious. The important thing was he didn’t seem mad anymore.

-Just as you reached him and he looked as though he was about to speak you grabbed his face with both hands and kissed him (hard). When you pulled away he was red and even more stunned than before. In fact you had never seen him look that way ever. ‘I wasn’t just playing around I actually like you and your stupid flustered face.’ And he couldn’t really refuse that. He did get annoyed you called his face stupid though.